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within the metal of mine head-gear, where the guards did come down at the sides; and she to kiss me very sober upon the lips; but yet to mean utter by that kiss. And I not to return the kiss; for I saw that it did not be her need. Now, in the beginning of the fourth hour, as I did go with the Maid, I to see afar off one of the half-bird monsters, that I did see before upon this place where there did be naught save great stones and boulders for a great way that did be many miles. And truly, I to hide very swift with the Maid, where two great boulders did come together; and surely the bird-creature to go past at no great way, and to go with a great bounding, that did be half of flight and half of leaping, as that it did be too weighty in the body to make to fly proper. And, indeed, I to have a sudden memory how that there did be a picture in some book that I did read in the Mighty Pyramid, where it did show such a bird-thing as this; and to make remark in the book that these things had been seen no more in the Night Land for a score thousand of years, or more; and to be extinct, as we do say. But, indeed, now I do think that they did be come downward to that warm Country, a great while gone, and so to have new life and to breed through a great age, and this way to have set a pattern unto the Humans. And, in verity, it might be that in some age that did be far after that time, the Humans to find some way to journey from the Pyramid, and to build a new Refuge in that deep Country; and mayhap the Humans thiswise to have a new space of life, after that all the Night Land did be dead and lost in the bitter frost of Eternity. But this, indeed, to be no more than an odd thought; for how might any great multitude pass the Monsters; and I to ask that you take it for nothing of fact, but only as of my suppositions; and thiswise to come back again to happenings. Now, when the bird-thing did be gone a long way off, I to go forward again with Mine Own, and to have a new care, and to look very swift and frequent everyway. And, truly, it did be as that the creatures did inhabit that part of the Country; for in an hour after that, I to see a good score. And, I to free the Diskos from my hip, and to have it ready in mine arms beside the Maid; and so to journey. And many times I to have to hide with Mine Own, and to crouch low among the rocks and the boulders; and this way to escape free of all for a great while. Yet, when that the fifth hour did be nigh gone, I heard a noise sudden to my back, as we did go over a clear space. And, in verity, there did be one of the monsters that came upward over certain rocks that were to my rearward; and surely it to have been stayed hid there, or resting, and to have heard us or to have smelled us; but anywise then to have knowledge of us, and to come with low and brutish heavy boundings, very lumbersome, after us. And I lookt everyway in a moment; but there was nowhere any shelter anigh. And the Maid to leap sudden from mine arms, that I be free with the Diskos; and I to look swift to her, and to see that she have her knife ready in her hand, that she might chance to aid me. But surely I might not fight in ease of mind, if that Mine Own did be needless in danger; and I caught her very quick by the waist, and set her upon the ground between my feet. And she to make half to refuse; but I to have no time for explaining, and to be sharp that I have her safe; so that I gave her a little shake that did sudden to make her feel the strength in me; and she then to be instant quiet in my hands, and to let me that I set her upon her face, and to cast the thick cloak above her; and in a moment to be stood over her, and to set down the visor of mine head-gear, lest that the bird-monster strike me in the face. And surely, the bird-thing did be scarce an hundred good paces off; and to make two lumbering and monstrous bounds, and to come at me. Yet, truly, it made sudden a pause, because that the Diskos did roar and send out fire, as I made it to spin; but in an instant the great thing to come in at me upon the left side, and to strike me very hard with the bill, that did be so long as mine arm, and had surely gone through my body, if that I had been naked. And the bill of the monster rang upon mine armour; and it smote me twice thiswise, so that I staggered very sick and shaken. But in a moment, as it made to draw off, that it should come the more hard upon me, I swung the Diskos very sure and quick, and I smote the Bird-thing above the place where the great seeming-leathern wing did join upon the right side, as it should be the shoulder of the Bird-monster. And, in verity, the monster gave out a mighty squarking, and went backward this way and that, and beat all about upon the stones, and did strike with the great bill at the place where it did be hurt. And I heeded that I end it swiftly; and I ran in upon it, and the creature to strike at me with the great bill, very savage. But I jumpt speedy to this side, and again to that, and so in a moment to have chance to come in surely. And truly I split the skull of the Bird-thing, so that it died very quick and was gone from pain. And the Bird-creature lay all spread upon the stones and the rock of that place; and surely it did be as that it were leathern, and made somewise as a bat doth be of this age, in that it did have no feathers. And, truly, it lookt mighty, where it did be spread; and indeed the body to be full so big as the body of a young horse; and the bill to be very deadly and sharp and cumbrous, as you to have guessed. And I to be all and utter thankful that it did be there, dead, in the stead of mine own body. And the thing yet to twitch and stir a little, as the life did go from it. And surely I was back then very speedy to the Maid, and she to be kneeled upward to watch me. And I took her into mine arms, and lookt well about; and made then forward again. And about the middle part of the sixth hour of crossing that rocky land, I saw that we did draw near unto the shallow river, that you shall mind I came over, after that I had done with the olden flying ship. And in all that time, since the Bird-monster to come after us, I had seen but two more, and they a great way off, so that I guessed that I was come beyond that part where they did go very frequent. And I to wade over the river, and to carry Mine Own upon one arm, the while that I did sound my way with the staff of the Diskos; and truly I came across very easy, save that I did have to go around somewhat, where that the river did seem to have a deep place. And when that we had crost the river, it did be full one and twenty hours since that we slumbered, as you shall know, if that you but count a little; for you do mind that we spent a certain time within the tree, as I have told; and this not to have been proper counted into the time of our journeying. And surely, the Maid to have been very quiet, since that I did show my strength a little to her, when that I made her to lie, that she be safe from the bill of the Bird-monster. But she not to be anywise in anger upon me; but only, as I do think, that the woman in her did be something fresh waked unto me; and she to be very content that she be quiet in mine arms. Now the place that we were come to, was much spread with boulders; but yet to have the beginnings again of the forests, as you to remember; for I to have made some small remark of the land in this part, upon mine outward way. And we lookt about for a fire-hole, that I should dry my lower garments; and truly, we had not past many in a great while; but we to be in fortune, that we came soon upon a little fire-hill that did be no more than so high as a man, and to have the rock all hot about; so that this did be a good place to our purpose. And I kist the Maid, and set her down out of mine arms; and when that I had lookt well about, and seen that there did be naught to our sight to give us to fear, the Maid to help me with mine armour; and afterward with my garments, and to ease me all ways that she could think of with helpfulness. And she set the garments of my lower parts to dry, and whilst that they did be drying, she to make ready the water and the tablets, and to have me to sit beside her, in my body-vest and gear, and we to eat and drink very comfortable in the warm hollow that was something anigh to the small fire-hill. Now, truly, I did be very hungry that time, and indeed to be alway so, for the tablets did be very unfilling to the belly, as you do well know from my tellings. And when that I did be finished, I saw that the Maid lookt at me somewise oddways, and sudden she to come into laughter, and askt me whether that I did be very empty; and in the same moment there to be a wondrous dear look within her eyes; so that I perceived that there went a mother-note under her impudence. And she to yearn, as I could know, that she have some way to feed me; but truly there did be no way, for we thought not to make to slay aught for our purpose, and we did be feared that we eat any root or plant, lest that we be ill. And this to seem strange to my spirit of this our age, but to be natural unto that; so that I do think I did be so long bred from the primal obtaining of food, that I did be all lost to that which should seem natural unto the peoples of this early age of the world; though we truly to think that the world doth even now be old; and this to have seemed a true thing unto every age that ever did live. Now, beside that we did lack somewise to think serious that we slay something to eat, in that the tablets did actually suffice to our strength, I to believe that there did be some other reason that I do forget, and mayhap never to have thought plain upon; but which to be set within me as an instinct, as we do say; and this to mean, if that I try to set it in other words, that the tablets did keep the body and the spirit in such condition that the Forces of Evil did have the less power to act upon us. Yet, have I no remembering that I was taught in the preparation that I eat naught, save the tablets; and this mayhap never to have been set upon me; but to have been as a thing that doth never need to have been told; even as you shall not tell a grown man in this Age that he shall refrain from dung, and eat only wholesome matter. And truly, I to hope that I have made this thing somewise clear unto you; for, indeed, it doth be something hard to set out; for every Age hath the subtleties peculiar to that Age; and these to be hard to the understanding of other Ages, but yet to seem plain and utter natural, even without thought, unto the Peoples of the Age. And surely all this to be plain to you, and to be over-plain; for, in verity, I tell to you, and over-tell, until that I should be weary; and mayhap you to be the more so. And, indeed, I not to blame you; but only to hope that your understanding, which doth mean also in general your hearts, doth be with me all along my way. And, indeed, this my tale to be not easy told. And, in verity, I to be back now unto the Maid a-laugh upon me, and in the same moment deeply loving and a-lack that she could not feed me, and I to laugh with her, and to have understanding with her, as you to know; and, indeed, I to have an heart that doth be made someways natural unto understanding; so that even though I be dead when you read this, my tale, you to feel that we be friends, and to know that could I meet with you in pitiful trouble, I to have understanding and love to you, if that you be not utter brutish; and even-so, I to be sorrowful that you should be brutish, and to have understanding, in that I to know that by developement you to become wise unto sweetness and charity, and in love with all dear things, and kind pity of the rest. And thiswise you to be in human sympathy with me, because that you do feel that I be honest with you, and somewise even now to your elbow, as you read. And this to be writ now, and you mayhap not to be born a great while yet; but in the end to read and to have understanding with me, and to know how I did love Mine Own. And so we to go forward again, the closer, in that we do be the more knit in dear human sympathy. And surely the Maid kist me very nice on the lips, and did promise again how that she should make me a great meal when that we did come to our Mighty Home; and, indeed, as she to say, she to join with me, and we both to be naughty gluttons for that once. And, surely, I laughed gently at the Maid, because that she should be so dainty a glutton; but for my part, I to feel that I could eat an horse, as we do say in this Age. And by that we had eat and drunk and talked awhile, and lookt oft about, so that we know that no brutish thing came near, to our hurt, the Maid to tell me that my garments did be dry; and she then to give me aid that I dress very quick; and afterward she to help me with mine armour, the which she did wipe after that we had eat and drunk; and she to have had joy that she do this thing, and all things for me; and to have used a part of her torn garments to this end. And so, truly, I to be clothed and armed very speedy, and to feel eased and the more sure in my mind; for in verity, I was alway in unease, when that I did not be ready that I be able to meet any horrid Brute that should be like to come upon us. Now, when that I did be into mine armour again, the Maid to set the scrip and the pouch upon me, and all the while I scarce to be loosed of the Diskos, as ever. And we then to our way, which did be that we find a place proper to our slumber. And when that we did be gone all-ways, and no cave proper to our sight, we found a great tree, that did be set off alone, and had a plenty of branches; but none that did be near to the bottom-part. And surely, I gave the Maid a lift, and held her up so far as mine arms did go, so that she might stand upon the palms of my hands, and be steady against the trunk of the tree; and she thiswise to have a hold upon a branch, and so to go upward. And, truly, when that she was safe, I loosed one of the straps from the pouch and the scrip, and I cast this up to the Maid, and she set it strong about the branch. And when I had caught the downward end, I went upward very easy; and afterward took loose the strap; and this way we did be something safe, as you shall see. And we climbed upward then, and so came to a part of the tree where the branches did be very thick together; and we made here a place for our slumber, and the Maid set the cloak over the branches that did be so close, and afterward we lay down; but first I set the strap about her waist, and thence to a branch, and she to refuse sleep until that I be likewise; so that we did be both very safe from any fall. And she kist me, and we then to our slumber, and very weary; for it did be two and twenty hours, by this, since that we had sleep. Now we had eight hours in which we slept utter; and we both to awake, as it did seem in the same moment; but truly, I to think that Mine Own did be wakeful before that time; for, indeed, as she put her arms very dainty about my neck, that she kiss me, I did have a quick and sudden knowledge that I had been kist oft in my sleep, and this to have been but a little while gone. And surely, it did seem to me that Mine Own did have a sweet and contented Mischief inward of her eyes; but yet she to be very sedate outward, and to kiss me loving and dear, and then we to our breakfast, upon the cloak. And afterward, I climbed to the topmost branches of the tree, and lookt well over the Country all about; but there was no brutish thing to my sight in any place, neither near nor far. And I came down then to the Maid, and told her how that there was quietness of life all about. And we had our gear together, and went downward to the earth, and I to help Mine Own, and this way she to be safe. Now, as we went forward upon our journeying, I perceived that the Maid had a wayward air; and truly, I thought that she did have her heart all set toward naughtiness and mischief; and in the same moment that I was in this belief, I did know in mine understanding that this did spring from the workings of my nature upon the nature of Mine Own Maiden. And Naani to walk, in the first, beside me, and to have no word for me, because that she did be so filled with the stirrings of her naughtiness, that did be in the same moment very sweet unto me, and yet to waken all that did be masterful within me. And she to be that she did know, and to delight, in her secret heart that she waken that which did be masterful in me; but yet in the same moment to be strong determined that she be not mastered by me. And surely this to seem contrarywise in the words; but to be clear to the heart, if indeed you have ever been loved by a dear maid of an high spirit. And above all this, the Maid did be filled with a love for me, that did beat and dance in all her being; and this in truth to overweigh all; but yet from this same thing her dainty naughtiness to be born, because, as I did say, my manhood to stir all her nature up-wise in sweet trouble that did be half of rebellion, and half that she did ache that she be close unto me in mine arms. And, in verity, you to be with me in all these things, if that you have had the love-days beside a dear and dainty maid, of an high and pure and natural spirit; so that if you be old these days, even but the light merriment of a passing maiden to bring a pain of wonderings and golden memories upon your heart. And presently, I saw that Mine Own put a little space between us, as the naughtiness did work in her, as my heart to know; and she to be offward from me a little. And she still to have no speech with me; but in a little to begin that she sing in a low voice; and to have her pretty body very upright and lithesome, and to go forward with a wondrous dainty swing, so that my heart told me that she did all be stirred with small thrillings of defiance unto me, and with thrillings of love; and she to have the triumph of her Maidenhood and of her Womanhood, as it were both to contend in her and to thrill upon her tongue, and to show out the lilting and pretty warfare of her spirit that did go dancing and dearly naughty in her breast. And surely I went, very lifted in my heart, and astir; for it did be wondrous to me that this lovely Maid did be so utter mine. And to see but the way that she set her feet to the earth, and the way that she did lift them sure and dainty; and the way that her body did be poised, and the way of her head; and the way of her naughtiness and the sweetness and the love that did be wrapt in with all, did make me want that I have her in mine arms. But yet, I not to do this, because that in the same time that she did so stir me to love and admirings, she to set somewhat else in me at variance, so that I did half to feel stern with her, for I perceived that she had that naughtiness then within her, that she did be like to have a real intent of impertinence unto me, so that she should be naughtily outrageous, and to have no heed to my advisings, neither unto my desires, unless that I set my hand upon her, to _make_ her to obey. And truly, you that have had dear maids, shall follow mine explainings; but unto others, I know not whether they shall understand, until they too have been possessed of One that shall set all their heart adrift, even as this One that did be Mine Own. And sudden, I to know that Naani did change from her low singing unto an olden air that had surely not been heard in all that eternity. And in verity, for a little while, I not to know why that it did so shake all my heart; nor what it did be; nor whether that I had truly heard it before, or only to think so. And, surely, it did be as that the silence of the olden moonlit world did steal all about me; and sudden, I to know that the Maid did sing an olden love-song of the olden world, and to go halting a little as she sang, because that the words did steal something odd-wise through the far veils of her memory, even as a song doth come backward out of dreams. And I to feel all my blood to seem to tremble in my veins, and my throat to be troubled, as with vague sobs that did be the ghosts of forgotten tears. And the dim sorrow that had come so swift and strange upon me, to be likewise steeped in golden mists of the love that I once did love; and the glamour to be come all fresh upon me, and I to know in that moment how much we do forget, even when that we do believe that we have all memory and all sorrow within our hearts. And I lookt unto the Maid, something dimly, because of the way that I did be; and I perceived in a moment that Mine Own did weep as she walked; but the less with pain than with the strange anguish of Memory, that doth have in it Tenderness and Sorrow and Love and all that Hath Been and all that Did Never Be, and all to make a Vale unto the Spirit, where doth be both a dim greyness and a warm and everlasting light, and an utter speechlessness, and the low and far music of forgotten songs, that do come downward over the shadowy mountains that do be builded of Years and Forgetfulness, and yet made to be seen with the light of that our Memory, which doth cast so many husht shadows. And surely, as I did say, the Maid did weep as she went; but not to be cast down; but rather that she held her head upwise, as that she did walk in a glory. And the song to come oft-broke, and oddly, and to set her voice to little human quiverings, as her memory did shake her sweet spirit unto tears afresh; and she to walk with her pretty head upheld and as that she did go in a Triumph; and the tears to come down strangely upon her face, and all her soul to be there, pure and wondrous, and in the same time both troubled and glad. And this thing to be very dear and amazing; and she to be as that she not to know then that she sang; but as that she did be lost in her thoughts, as we do say, and this to have come sudden upon her, out of all her upliftedness of spirit, that had been like to make her very open unto all subtile and subtle powers of thought and inward stirrings, as you shall think. And again the song to come full-remembered, and fresh, as that this Eternity did be but the yesterday of that moment. And Mine Own to be all in a sweet madness with those half-dreamed memories, and the wonder and pain of all that no man hath ever said, and that shall be never said; and of the utter lost years, and all that hath been lost, and all forgotten greatness and splendour, and the dreadfulness of parting, and the loveliness of beautiful things that do be hid in the abyss of the years. And it did be sudden to my quickened fancy, that there did be low echoes all about us, of the voices of dear beautiful ones that have died; for so did memory set a strange and lovely mystery about my spirit in that moment, that I did be all shaken so much as Mine Own. And I to be as that I drew my breath anigh to tears, and did be there with Naani amid the quiet spareness of the trees and the rock of that part of the land; but yet did be to see half dimly that I stood within a light, even as the light that doth be the wonder of olden sunsets; and I to be, in the same time, both _that_ man and _this_ man that now doth write; and to have beside my spirit but one maid, that I did lack to know whether I say to her Naani or Mirdath; for though the two that have been Mine Own did be different-seeming to the eye, there to be but the spirit of one maid beside me in that moment. And surely, I did be there, all shaken unto the seeing of visions, as it did seem; so that the Land about me to have grown half as that it did lack that it be real unto my sight, because that I lookt inward unto Lands that did be of Memory. And lo! in a moment this to go; and I to be in that Country of the Seas, and to look newly unto Naani, and she to go as I have told; and there to be the lonesome trees and the rocks in all parts for a great way about. And sudden, as I lookt at Mine Own, she to come round unto me, and she held out her arms, and did gaze at me with such a love, as that she were transfigured, and to need strangely that she | monsters | How many times the word 'monsters' appears in the text? | 3 |
within the metal of mine head-gear, where the guards did come down at the sides; and she to kiss me very sober upon the lips; but yet to mean utter by that kiss. And I not to return the kiss; for I saw that it did not be her need. Now, in the beginning of the fourth hour, as I did go with the Maid, I to see afar off one of the half-bird monsters, that I did see before upon this place where there did be naught save great stones and boulders for a great way that did be many miles. And truly, I to hide very swift with the Maid, where two great boulders did come together; and surely the bird-creature to go past at no great way, and to go with a great bounding, that did be half of flight and half of leaping, as that it did be too weighty in the body to make to fly proper. And, indeed, I to have a sudden memory how that there did be a picture in some book that I did read in the Mighty Pyramid, where it did show such a bird-thing as this; and to make remark in the book that these things had been seen no more in the Night Land for a score thousand of years, or more; and to be extinct, as we do say. But, indeed, now I do think that they did be come downward to that warm Country, a great while gone, and so to have new life and to breed through a great age, and this way to have set a pattern unto the Humans. And, in verity, it might be that in some age that did be far after that time, the Humans to find some way to journey from the Pyramid, and to build a new Refuge in that deep Country; and mayhap the Humans thiswise to have a new space of life, after that all the Night Land did be dead and lost in the bitter frost of Eternity. But this, indeed, to be no more than an odd thought; for how might any great multitude pass the Monsters; and I to ask that you take it for nothing of fact, but only as of my suppositions; and thiswise to come back again to happenings. Now, when the bird-thing did be gone a long way off, I to go forward again with Mine Own, and to have a new care, and to look very swift and frequent everyway. And, truly, it did be as that the creatures did inhabit that part of the Country; for in an hour after that, I to see a good score. And, I to free the Diskos from my hip, and to have it ready in mine arms beside the Maid; and so to journey. And many times I to have to hide with Mine Own, and to crouch low among the rocks and the boulders; and this way to escape free of all for a great while. Yet, when that the fifth hour did be nigh gone, I heard a noise sudden to my back, as we did go over a clear space. And, in verity, there did be one of the monsters that came upward over certain rocks that were to my rearward; and surely it to have been stayed hid there, or resting, and to have heard us or to have smelled us; but anywise then to have knowledge of us, and to come with low and brutish heavy boundings, very lumbersome, after us. And I lookt everyway in a moment; but there was nowhere any shelter anigh. And the Maid to leap sudden from mine arms, that I be free with the Diskos; and I to look swift to her, and to see that she have her knife ready in her hand, that she might chance to aid me. But surely I might not fight in ease of mind, if that Mine Own did be needless in danger; and I caught her very quick by the waist, and set her upon the ground between my feet. And she to make half to refuse; but I to have no time for explaining, and to be sharp that I have her safe; so that I gave her a little shake that did sudden to make her feel the strength in me; and she then to be instant quiet in my hands, and to let me that I set her upon her face, and to cast the thick cloak above her; and in a moment to be stood over her, and to set down the visor of mine head-gear, lest that the bird-monster strike me in the face. And surely, the bird-thing did be scarce an hundred good paces off; and to make two lumbering and monstrous bounds, and to come at me. Yet, truly, it made sudden a pause, because that the Diskos did roar and send out fire, as I made it to spin; but in an instant the great thing to come in at me upon the left side, and to strike me very hard with the bill, that did be so long as mine arm, and had surely gone through my body, if that I had been naked. And the bill of the monster rang upon mine armour; and it smote me twice thiswise, so that I staggered very sick and shaken. But in a moment, as it made to draw off, that it should come the more hard upon me, I swung the Diskos very sure and quick, and I smote the Bird-thing above the place where the great seeming-leathern wing did join upon the right side, as it should be the shoulder of the Bird-monster. And, in verity, the monster gave out a mighty squarking, and went backward this way and that, and beat all about upon the stones, and did strike with the great bill at the place where it did be hurt. And I heeded that I end it swiftly; and I ran in upon it, and the creature to strike at me with the great bill, very savage. But I jumpt speedy to this side, and again to that, and so in a moment to have chance to come in surely. And truly I split the skull of the Bird-thing, so that it died very quick and was gone from pain. And the Bird-creature lay all spread upon the stones and the rock of that place; and surely it did be as that it were leathern, and made somewise as a bat doth be of this age, in that it did have no feathers. And, truly, it lookt mighty, where it did be spread; and indeed the body to be full so big as the body of a young horse; and the bill to be very deadly and sharp and cumbrous, as you to have guessed. And I to be all and utter thankful that it did be there, dead, in the stead of mine own body. And the thing yet to twitch and stir a little, as the life did go from it. And surely I was back then very speedy to the Maid, and she to be kneeled upward to watch me. And I took her into mine arms, and lookt well about; and made then forward again. And about the middle part of the sixth hour of crossing that rocky land, I saw that we did draw near unto the shallow river, that you shall mind I came over, after that I had done with the olden flying ship. And in all that time, since the Bird-monster to come after us, I had seen but two more, and they a great way off, so that I guessed that I was come beyond that part where they did go very frequent. And I to wade over the river, and to carry Mine Own upon one arm, the while that I did sound my way with the staff of the Diskos; and truly I came across very easy, save that I did have to go around somewhat, where that the river did seem to have a deep place. And when that we had crost the river, it did be full one and twenty hours since that we slumbered, as you shall know, if that you but count a little; for you do mind that we spent a certain time within the tree, as I have told; and this not to have been proper counted into the time of our journeying. And surely, the Maid to have been very quiet, since that I did show my strength a little to her, when that I made her to lie, that she be safe from the bill of the Bird-monster. But she not to be anywise in anger upon me; but only, as I do think, that the woman in her did be something fresh waked unto me; and she to be very content that she be quiet in mine arms. Now the place that we were come to, was much spread with boulders; but yet to have the beginnings again of the forests, as you to remember; for I to have made some small remark of the land in this part, upon mine outward way. And we lookt about for a fire-hole, that I should dry my lower garments; and truly, we had not past many in a great while; but we to be in fortune, that we came soon upon a little fire-hill that did be no more than so high as a man, and to have the rock all hot about; so that this did be a good place to our purpose. And I kist the Maid, and set her down out of mine arms; and when that I had lookt well about, and seen that there did be naught to our sight to give us to fear, the Maid to help me with mine armour; and afterward with my garments, and to ease me all ways that she could think of with helpfulness. And she set the garments of my lower parts to dry, and whilst that they did be drying, she to make ready the water and the tablets, and to have me to sit beside her, in my body-vest and gear, and we to eat and drink very comfortable in the warm hollow that was something anigh to the small fire-hill. Now, truly, I did be very hungry that time, and indeed to be alway so, for the tablets did be very unfilling to the belly, as you do well know from my tellings. And when that I did be finished, I saw that the Maid lookt at me somewise oddways, and sudden she to come into laughter, and askt me whether that I did be very empty; and in the same moment there to be a wondrous dear look within her eyes; so that I perceived that there went a mother-note under her impudence. And she to yearn, as I could know, that she have some way to feed me; but truly there did be no way, for we thought not to make to slay aught for our purpose, and we did be feared that we eat any root or plant, lest that we be ill. And this to seem strange to my spirit of this our age, but to be natural unto that; so that I do think I did be so long bred from the primal obtaining of food, that I did be all lost to that which should seem natural unto the peoples of this early age of the world; though we truly to think that the world doth even now be old; and this to have seemed a true thing unto every age that ever did live. Now, beside that we did lack somewise to think serious that we slay something to eat, in that the tablets did actually suffice to our strength, I to believe that there did be some other reason that I do forget, and mayhap never to have thought plain upon; but which to be set within me as an instinct, as we do say; and this to mean, if that I try to set it in other words, that the tablets did keep the body and the spirit in such condition that the Forces of Evil did have the less power to act upon us. Yet, have I no remembering that I was taught in the preparation that I eat naught, save the tablets; and this mayhap never to have been set upon me; but to have been as a thing that doth never need to have been told; even as you shall not tell a grown man in this Age that he shall refrain from dung, and eat only wholesome matter. And truly, I to hope that I have made this thing somewise clear unto you; for, indeed, it doth be something hard to set out; for every Age hath the subtleties peculiar to that Age; and these to be hard to the understanding of other Ages, but yet to seem plain and utter natural, even without thought, unto the Peoples of the Age. And surely all this to be plain to you, and to be over-plain; for, in verity, I tell to you, and over-tell, until that I should be weary; and mayhap you to be the more so. And, indeed, I not to blame you; but only to hope that your understanding, which doth mean also in general your hearts, doth be with me all along my way. And, indeed, this my tale to be not easy told. And, in verity, I to be back now unto the Maid a-laugh upon me, and in the same moment deeply loving and a-lack that she could not feed me, and I to laugh with her, and to have understanding with her, as you to know; and, indeed, I to have an heart that doth be made someways natural unto understanding; so that even though I be dead when you read this, my tale, you to feel that we be friends, and to know that could I meet with you in pitiful trouble, I to have understanding and love to you, if that you be not utter brutish; and even-so, I to be sorrowful that you should be brutish, and to have understanding, in that I to know that by developement you to become wise unto sweetness and charity, and in love with all dear things, and kind pity of the rest. And thiswise you to be in human sympathy with me, because that you do feel that I be honest with you, and somewise even now to your elbow, as you read. And this to be writ now, and you mayhap not to be born a great while yet; but in the end to read and to have understanding with me, and to know how I did love Mine Own. And so we to go forward again, the closer, in that we do be the more knit in dear human sympathy. And surely the Maid kist me very nice on the lips, and did promise again how that she should make me a great meal when that we did come to our Mighty Home; and, indeed, as she to say, she to join with me, and we both to be naughty gluttons for that once. And, surely, I laughed gently at the Maid, because that she should be so dainty a glutton; but for my part, I to feel that I could eat an horse, as we do say in this Age. And by that we had eat and drunk and talked awhile, and lookt oft about, so that we know that no brutish thing came near, to our hurt, the Maid to tell me that my garments did be dry; and she then to give me aid that I dress very quick; and afterward she to help me with mine armour, the which she did wipe after that we had eat and drunk; and she to have had joy that she do this thing, and all things for me; and to have used a part of her torn garments to this end. And so, truly, I to be clothed and armed very speedy, and to feel eased and the more sure in my mind; for in verity, I was alway in unease, when that I did not be ready that I be able to meet any horrid Brute that should be like to come upon us. Now, when that I did be into mine armour again, the Maid to set the scrip and the pouch upon me, and all the while I scarce to be loosed of the Diskos, as ever. And we then to our way, which did be that we find a place proper to our slumber. And when that we did be gone all-ways, and no cave proper to our sight, we found a great tree, that did be set off alone, and had a plenty of branches; but none that did be near to the bottom-part. And surely, I gave the Maid a lift, and held her up so far as mine arms did go, so that she might stand upon the palms of my hands, and be steady against the trunk of the tree; and she thiswise to have a hold upon a branch, and so to go upward. And, truly, when that she was safe, I loosed one of the straps from the pouch and the scrip, and I cast this up to the Maid, and she set it strong about the branch. And when I had caught the downward end, I went upward very easy; and afterward took loose the strap; and this way we did be something safe, as you shall see. And we climbed upward then, and so came to a part of the tree where the branches did be very thick together; and we made here a place for our slumber, and the Maid set the cloak over the branches that did be so close, and afterward we lay down; but first I set the strap about her waist, and thence to a branch, and she to refuse sleep until that I be likewise; so that we did be both very safe from any fall. And she kist me, and we then to our slumber, and very weary; for it did be two and twenty hours, by this, since that we had sleep. Now we had eight hours in which we slept utter; and we both to awake, as it did seem in the same moment; but truly, I to think that Mine Own did be wakeful before that time; for, indeed, as she put her arms very dainty about my neck, that she kiss me, I did have a quick and sudden knowledge that I had been kist oft in my sleep, and this to have been but a little while gone. And surely, it did seem to me that Mine Own did have a sweet and contented Mischief inward of her eyes; but yet she to be very sedate outward, and to kiss me loving and dear, and then we to our breakfast, upon the cloak. And afterward, I climbed to the topmost branches of the tree, and lookt well over the Country all about; but there was no brutish thing to my sight in any place, neither near nor far. And I came down then to the Maid, and told her how that there was quietness of life all about. And we had our gear together, and went downward to the earth, and I to help Mine Own, and this way she to be safe. Now, as we went forward upon our journeying, I perceived that the Maid had a wayward air; and truly, I thought that she did have her heart all set toward naughtiness and mischief; and in the same moment that I was in this belief, I did know in mine understanding that this did spring from the workings of my nature upon the nature of Mine Own Maiden. And Naani to walk, in the first, beside me, and to have no word for me, because that she did be so filled with the stirrings of her naughtiness, that did be in the same moment very sweet unto me, and yet to waken all that did be masterful within me. And she to be that she did know, and to delight, in her secret heart that she waken that which did be masterful in me; but yet in the same moment to be strong determined that she be not mastered by me. And surely this to seem contrarywise in the words; but to be clear to the heart, if indeed you have ever been loved by a dear maid of an high spirit. And above all this, the Maid did be filled with a love for me, that did beat and dance in all her being; and this in truth to overweigh all; but yet from this same thing her dainty naughtiness to be born, because, as I did say, my manhood to stir all her nature up-wise in sweet trouble that did be half of rebellion, and half that she did ache that she be close unto me in mine arms. And, in verity, you to be with me in all these things, if that you have had the love-days beside a dear and dainty maid, of an high and pure and natural spirit; so that if you be old these days, even but the light merriment of a passing maiden to bring a pain of wonderings and golden memories upon your heart. And presently, I saw that Mine Own put a little space between us, as the naughtiness did work in her, as my heart to know; and she to be offward from me a little. And she still to have no speech with me; but in a little to begin that she sing in a low voice; and to have her pretty body very upright and lithesome, and to go forward with a wondrous dainty swing, so that my heart told me that she did all be stirred with small thrillings of defiance unto me, and with thrillings of love; and she to have the triumph of her Maidenhood and of her Womanhood, as it were both to contend in her and to thrill upon her tongue, and to show out the lilting and pretty warfare of her spirit that did go dancing and dearly naughty in her breast. And surely I went, very lifted in my heart, and astir; for it did be wondrous to me that this lovely Maid did be so utter mine. And to see but the way that she set her feet to the earth, and the way that she did lift them sure and dainty; and the way that her body did be poised, and the way of her head; and the way of her naughtiness and the sweetness and the love that did be wrapt in with all, did make me want that I have her in mine arms. But yet, I not to do this, because that in the same time that she did so stir me to love and admirings, she to set somewhat else in me at variance, so that I did half to feel stern with her, for I perceived that she had that naughtiness then within her, that she did be like to have a real intent of impertinence unto me, so that she should be naughtily outrageous, and to have no heed to my advisings, neither unto my desires, unless that I set my hand upon her, to _make_ her to obey. And truly, you that have had dear maids, shall follow mine explainings; but unto others, I know not whether they shall understand, until they too have been possessed of One that shall set all their heart adrift, even as this One that did be Mine Own. And sudden, I to know that Naani did change from her low singing unto an olden air that had surely not been heard in all that eternity. And in verity, for a little while, I not to know why that it did so shake all my heart; nor what it did be; nor whether that I had truly heard it before, or only to think so. And, surely, it did be as that the silence of the olden moonlit world did steal all about me; and sudden, I to know that the Maid did sing an olden love-song of the olden world, and to go halting a little as she sang, because that the words did steal something odd-wise through the far veils of her memory, even as a song doth come backward out of dreams. And I to feel all my blood to seem to tremble in my veins, and my throat to be troubled, as with vague sobs that did be the ghosts of forgotten tears. And the dim sorrow that had come so swift and strange upon me, to be likewise steeped in golden mists of the love that I once did love; and the glamour to be come all fresh upon me, and I to know in that moment how much we do forget, even when that we do believe that we have all memory and all sorrow within our hearts. And I lookt unto the Maid, something dimly, because of the way that I did be; and I perceived in a moment that Mine Own did weep as she walked; but the less with pain than with the strange anguish of Memory, that doth have in it Tenderness and Sorrow and Love and all that Hath Been and all that Did Never Be, and all to make a Vale unto the Spirit, where doth be both a dim greyness and a warm and everlasting light, and an utter speechlessness, and the low and far music of forgotten songs, that do come downward over the shadowy mountains that do be builded of Years and Forgetfulness, and yet made to be seen with the light of that our Memory, which doth cast so many husht shadows. And surely, as I did say, the Maid did weep as she went; but not to be cast down; but rather that she held her head upwise, as that she did walk in a glory. And the song to come oft-broke, and oddly, and to set her voice to little human quiverings, as her memory did shake her sweet spirit unto tears afresh; and she to walk with her pretty head upheld and as that she did go in a Triumph; and the tears to come down strangely upon her face, and all her soul to be there, pure and wondrous, and in the same time both troubled and glad. And this thing to be very dear and amazing; and she to be as that she not to know then that she sang; but as that she did be lost in her thoughts, as we do say, and this to have come sudden upon her, out of all her upliftedness of spirit, that had been like to make her very open unto all subtile and subtle powers of thought and inward stirrings, as you shall think. And again the song to come full-remembered, and fresh, as that this Eternity did be but the yesterday of that moment. And Mine Own to be all in a sweet madness with those half-dreamed memories, and the wonder and pain of all that no man hath ever said, and that shall be never said; and of the utter lost years, and all that hath been lost, and all forgotten greatness and splendour, and the dreadfulness of parting, and the loveliness of beautiful things that do be hid in the abyss of the years. And it did be sudden to my quickened fancy, that there did be low echoes all about us, of the voices of dear beautiful ones that have died; for so did memory set a strange and lovely mystery about my spirit in that moment, that I did be all shaken so much as Mine Own. And I to be as that I drew my breath anigh to tears, and did be there with Naani amid the quiet spareness of the trees and the rock of that part of the land; but yet did be to see half dimly that I stood within a light, even as the light that doth be the wonder of olden sunsets; and I to be, in the same time, both _that_ man and _this_ man that now doth write; and to have beside my spirit but one maid, that I did lack to know whether I say to her Naani or Mirdath; for though the two that have been Mine Own did be different-seeming to the eye, there to be but the spirit of one maid beside me in that moment. And surely, I did be there, all shaken unto the seeing of visions, as it did seem; so that the Land about me to have grown half as that it did lack that it be real unto my sight, because that I lookt inward unto Lands that did be of Memory. And lo! in a moment this to go; and I to be in that Country of the Seas, and to look newly unto Naani, and she to go as I have told; and there to be the lonesome trees and the rocks in all parts for a great way about. And sudden, as I lookt at Mine Own, she to come round unto me, and she held out her arms, and did gaze at me with such a love, as that she were transfigured, and to need strangely that she | went | How many times the word 'went' appears in the text? | 3 |
within the metal of mine head-gear, where the guards did come down at the sides; and she to kiss me very sober upon the lips; but yet to mean utter by that kiss. And I not to return the kiss; for I saw that it did not be her need. Now, in the beginning of the fourth hour, as I did go with the Maid, I to see afar off one of the half-bird monsters, that I did see before upon this place where there did be naught save great stones and boulders for a great way that did be many miles. And truly, I to hide very swift with the Maid, where two great boulders did come together; and surely the bird-creature to go past at no great way, and to go with a great bounding, that did be half of flight and half of leaping, as that it did be too weighty in the body to make to fly proper. And, indeed, I to have a sudden memory how that there did be a picture in some book that I did read in the Mighty Pyramid, where it did show such a bird-thing as this; and to make remark in the book that these things had been seen no more in the Night Land for a score thousand of years, or more; and to be extinct, as we do say. But, indeed, now I do think that they did be come downward to that warm Country, a great while gone, and so to have new life and to breed through a great age, and this way to have set a pattern unto the Humans. And, in verity, it might be that in some age that did be far after that time, the Humans to find some way to journey from the Pyramid, and to build a new Refuge in that deep Country; and mayhap the Humans thiswise to have a new space of life, after that all the Night Land did be dead and lost in the bitter frost of Eternity. But this, indeed, to be no more than an odd thought; for how might any great multitude pass the Monsters; and I to ask that you take it for nothing of fact, but only as of my suppositions; and thiswise to come back again to happenings. Now, when the bird-thing did be gone a long way off, I to go forward again with Mine Own, and to have a new care, and to look very swift and frequent everyway. And, truly, it did be as that the creatures did inhabit that part of the Country; for in an hour after that, I to see a good score. And, I to free the Diskos from my hip, and to have it ready in mine arms beside the Maid; and so to journey. And many times I to have to hide with Mine Own, and to crouch low among the rocks and the boulders; and this way to escape free of all for a great while. Yet, when that the fifth hour did be nigh gone, I heard a noise sudden to my back, as we did go over a clear space. And, in verity, there did be one of the monsters that came upward over certain rocks that were to my rearward; and surely it to have been stayed hid there, or resting, and to have heard us or to have smelled us; but anywise then to have knowledge of us, and to come with low and brutish heavy boundings, very lumbersome, after us. And I lookt everyway in a moment; but there was nowhere any shelter anigh. And the Maid to leap sudden from mine arms, that I be free with the Diskos; and I to look swift to her, and to see that she have her knife ready in her hand, that she might chance to aid me. But surely I might not fight in ease of mind, if that Mine Own did be needless in danger; and I caught her very quick by the waist, and set her upon the ground between my feet. And she to make half to refuse; but I to have no time for explaining, and to be sharp that I have her safe; so that I gave her a little shake that did sudden to make her feel the strength in me; and she then to be instant quiet in my hands, and to let me that I set her upon her face, and to cast the thick cloak above her; and in a moment to be stood over her, and to set down the visor of mine head-gear, lest that the bird-monster strike me in the face. And surely, the bird-thing did be scarce an hundred good paces off; and to make two lumbering and monstrous bounds, and to come at me. Yet, truly, it made sudden a pause, because that the Diskos did roar and send out fire, as I made it to spin; but in an instant the great thing to come in at me upon the left side, and to strike me very hard with the bill, that did be so long as mine arm, and had surely gone through my body, if that I had been naked. And the bill of the monster rang upon mine armour; and it smote me twice thiswise, so that I staggered very sick and shaken. But in a moment, as it made to draw off, that it should come the more hard upon me, I swung the Diskos very sure and quick, and I smote the Bird-thing above the place where the great seeming-leathern wing did join upon the right side, as it should be the shoulder of the Bird-monster. And, in verity, the monster gave out a mighty squarking, and went backward this way and that, and beat all about upon the stones, and did strike with the great bill at the place where it did be hurt. And I heeded that I end it swiftly; and I ran in upon it, and the creature to strike at me with the great bill, very savage. But I jumpt speedy to this side, and again to that, and so in a moment to have chance to come in surely. And truly I split the skull of the Bird-thing, so that it died very quick and was gone from pain. And the Bird-creature lay all spread upon the stones and the rock of that place; and surely it did be as that it were leathern, and made somewise as a bat doth be of this age, in that it did have no feathers. And, truly, it lookt mighty, where it did be spread; and indeed the body to be full so big as the body of a young horse; and the bill to be very deadly and sharp and cumbrous, as you to have guessed. And I to be all and utter thankful that it did be there, dead, in the stead of mine own body. And the thing yet to twitch and stir a little, as the life did go from it. And surely I was back then very speedy to the Maid, and she to be kneeled upward to watch me. And I took her into mine arms, and lookt well about; and made then forward again. And about the middle part of the sixth hour of crossing that rocky land, I saw that we did draw near unto the shallow river, that you shall mind I came over, after that I had done with the olden flying ship. And in all that time, since the Bird-monster to come after us, I had seen but two more, and they a great way off, so that I guessed that I was come beyond that part where they did go very frequent. And I to wade over the river, and to carry Mine Own upon one arm, the while that I did sound my way with the staff of the Diskos; and truly I came across very easy, save that I did have to go around somewhat, where that the river did seem to have a deep place. And when that we had crost the river, it did be full one and twenty hours since that we slumbered, as you shall know, if that you but count a little; for you do mind that we spent a certain time within the tree, as I have told; and this not to have been proper counted into the time of our journeying. And surely, the Maid to have been very quiet, since that I did show my strength a little to her, when that I made her to lie, that she be safe from the bill of the Bird-monster. But she not to be anywise in anger upon me; but only, as I do think, that the woman in her did be something fresh waked unto me; and she to be very content that she be quiet in mine arms. Now the place that we were come to, was much spread with boulders; but yet to have the beginnings again of the forests, as you to remember; for I to have made some small remark of the land in this part, upon mine outward way. And we lookt about for a fire-hole, that I should dry my lower garments; and truly, we had not past many in a great while; but we to be in fortune, that we came soon upon a little fire-hill that did be no more than so high as a man, and to have the rock all hot about; so that this did be a good place to our purpose. And I kist the Maid, and set her down out of mine arms; and when that I had lookt well about, and seen that there did be naught to our sight to give us to fear, the Maid to help me with mine armour; and afterward with my garments, and to ease me all ways that she could think of with helpfulness. And she set the garments of my lower parts to dry, and whilst that they did be drying, she to make ready the water and the tablets, and to have me to sit beside her, in my body-vest and gear, and we to eat and drink very comfortable in the warm hollow that was something anigh to the small fire-hill. Now, truly, I did be very hungry that time, and indeed to be alway so, for the tablets did be very unfilling to the belly, as you do well know from my tellings. And when that I did be finished, I saw that the Maid lookt at me somewise oddways, and sudden she to come into laughter, and askt me whether that I did be very empty; and in the same moment there to be a wondrous dear look within her eyes; so that I perceived that there went a mother-note under her impudence. And she to yearn, as I could know, that she have some way to feed me; but truly there did be no way, for we thought not to make to slay aught for our purpose, and we did be feared that we eat any root or plant, lest that we be ill. And this to seem strange to my spirit of this our age, but to be natural unto that; so that I do think I did be so long bred from the primal obtaining of food, that I did be all lost to that which should seem natural unto the peoples of this early age of the world; though we truly to think that the world doth even now be old; and this to have seemed a true thing unto every age that ever did live. Now, beside that we did lack somewise to think serious that we slay something to eat, in that the tablets did actually suffice to our strength, I to believe that there did be some other reason that I do forget, and mayhap never to have thought plain upon; but which to be set within me as an instinct, as we do say; and this to mean, if that I try to set it in other words, that the tablets did keep the body and the spirit in such condition that the Forces of Evil did have the less power to act upon us. Yet, have I no remembering that I was taught in the preparation that I eat naught, save the tablets; and this mayhap never to have been set upon me; but to have been as a thing that doth never need to have been told; even as you shall not tell a grown man in this Age that he shall refrain from dung, and eat only wholesome matter. And truly, I to hope that I have made this thing somewise clear unto you; for, indeed, it doth be something hard to set out; for every Age hath the subtleties peculiar to that Age; and these to be hard to the understanding of other Ages, but yet to seem plain and utter natural, even without thought, unto the Peoples of the Age. And surely all this to be plain to you, and to be over-plain; for, in verity, I tell to you, and over-tell, until that I should be weary; and mayhap you to be the more so. And, indeed, I not to blame you; but only to hope that your understanding, which doth mean also in general your hearts, doth be with me all along my way. And, indeed, this my tale to be not easy told. And, in verity, I to be back now unto the Maid a-laugh upon me, and in the same moment deeply loving and a-lack that she could not feed me, and I to laugh with her, and to have understanding with her, as you to know; and, indeed, I to have an heart that doth be made someways natural unto understanding; so that even though I be dead when you read this, my tale, you to feel that we be friends, and to know that could I meet with you in pitiful trouble, I to have understanding and love to you, if that you be not utter brutish; and even-so, I to be sorrowful that you should be brutish, and to have understanding, in that I to know that by developement you to become wise unto sweetness and charity, and in love with all dear things, and kind pity of the rest. And thiswise you to be in human sympathy with me, because that you do feel that I be honest with you, and somewise even now to your elbow, as you read. And this to be writ now, and you mayhap not to be born a great while yet; but in the end to read and to have understanding with me, and to know how I did love Mine Own. And so we to go forward again, the closer, in that we do be the more knit in dear human sympathy. And surely the Maid kist me very nice on the lips, and did promise again how that she should make me a great meal when that we did come to our Mighty Home; and, indeed, as she to say, she to join with me, and we both to be naughty gluttons for that once. And, surely, I laughed gently at the Maid, because that she should be so dainty a glutton; but for my part, I to feel that I could eat an horse, as we do say in this Age. And by that we had eat and drunk and talked awhile, and lookt oft about, so that we know that no brutish thing came near, to our hurt, the Maid to tell me that my garments did be dry; and she then to give me aid that I dress very quick; and afterward she to help me with mine armour, the which she did wipe after that we had eat and drunk; and she to have had joy that she do this thing, and all things for me; and to have used a part of her torn garments to this end. And so, truly, I to be clothed and armed very speedy, and to feel eased and the more sure in my mind; for in verity, I was alway in unease, when that I did not be ready that I be able to meet any horrid Brute that should be like to come upon us. Now, when that I did be into mine armour again, the Maid to set the scrip and the pouch upon me, and all the while I scarce to be loosed of the Diskos, as ever. And we then to our way, which did be that we find a place proper to our slumber. And when that we did be gone all-ways, and no cave proper to our sight, we found a great tree, that did be set off alone, and had a plenty of branches; but none that did be near to the bottom-part. And surely, I gave the Maid a lift, and held her up so far as mine arms did go, so that she might stand upon the palms of my hands, and be steady against the trunk of the tree; and she thiswise to have a hold upon a branch, and so to go upward. And, truly, when that she was safe, I loosed one of the straps from the pouch and the scrip, and I cast this up to the Maid, and she set it strong about the branch. And when I had caught the downward end, I went upward very easy; and afterward took loose the strap; and this way we did be something safe, as you shall see. And we climbed upward then, and so came to a part of the tree where the branches did be very thick together; and we made here a place for our slumber, and the Maid set the cloak over the branches that did be so close, and afterward we lay down; but first I set the strap about her waist, and thence to a branch, and she to refuse sleep until that I be likewise; so that we did be both very safe from any fall. And she kist me, and we then to our slumber, and very weary; for it did be two and twenty hours, by this, since that we had sleep. Now we had eight hours in which we slept utter; and we both to awake, as it did seem in the same moment; but truly, I to think that Mine Own did be wakeful before that time; for, indeed, as she put her arms very dainty about my neck, that she kiss me, I did have a quick and sudden knowledge that I had been kist oft in my sleep, and this to have been but a little while gone. And surely, it did seem to me that Mine Own did have a sweet and contented Mischief inward of her eyes; but yet she to be very sedate outward, and to kiss me loving and dear, and then we to our breakfast, upon the cloak. And afterward, I climbed to the topmost branches of the tree, and lookt well over the Country all about; but there was no brutish thing to my sight in any place, neither near nor far. And I came down then to the Maid, and told her how that there was quietness of life all about. And we had our gear together, and went downward to the earth, and I to help Mine Own, and this way she to be safe. Now, as we went forward upon our journeying, I perceived that the Maid had a wayward air; and truly, I thought that she did have her heart all set toward naughtiness and mischief; and in the same moment that I was in this belief, I did know in mine understanding that this did spring from the workings of my nature upon the nature of Mine Own Maiden. And Naani to walk, in the first, beside me, and to have no word for me, because that she did be so filled with the stirrings of her naughtiness, that did be in the same moment very sweet unto me, and yet to waken all that did be masterful within me. And she to be that she did know, and to delight, in her secret heart that she waken that which did be masterful in me; but yet in the same moment to be strong determined that she be not mastered by me. And surely this to seem contrarywise in the words; but to be clear to the heart, if indeed you have ever been loved by a dear maid of an high spirit. And above all this, the Maid did be filled with a love for me, that did beat and dance in all her being; and this in truth to overweigh all; but yet from this same thing her dainty naughtiness to be born, because, as I did say, my manhood to stir all her nature up-wise in sweet trouble that did be half of rebellion, and half that she did ache that she be close unto me in mine arms. And, in verity, you to be with me in all these things, if that you have had the love-days beside a dear and dainty maid, of an high and pure and natural spirit; so that if you be old these days, even but the light merriment of a passing maiden to bring a pain of wonderings and golden memories upon your heart. And presently, I saw that Mine Own put a little space between us, as the naughtiness did work in her, as my heart to know; and she to be offward from me a little. And she still to have no speech with me; but in a little to begin that she sing in a low voice; and to have her pretty body very upright and lithesome, and to go forward with a wondrous dainty swing, so that my heart told me that she did all be stirred with small thrillings of defiance unto me, and with thrillings of love; and she to have the triumph of her Maidenhood and of her Womanhood, as it were both to contend in her and to thrill upon her tongue, and to show out the lilting and pretty warfare of her spirit that did go dancing and dearly naughty in her breast. And surely I went, very lifted in my heart, and astir; for it did be wondrous to me that this lovely Maid did be so utter mine. And to see but the way that she set her feet to the earth, and the way that she did lift them sure and dainty; and the way that her body did be poised, and the way of her head; and the way of her naughtiness and the sweetness and the love that did be wrapt in with all, did make me want that I have her in mine arms. But yet, I not to do this, because that in the same time that she did so stir me to love and admirings, she to set somewhat else in me at variance, so that I did half to feel stern with her, for I perceived that she had that naughtiness then within her, that she did be like to have a real intent of impertinence unto me, so that she should be naughtily outrageous, and to have no heed to my advisings, neither unto my desires, unless that I set my hand upon her, to _make_ her to obey. And truly, you that have had dear maids, shall follow mine explainings; but unto others, I know not whether they shall understand, until they too have been possessed of One that shall set all their heart adrift, even as this One that did be Mine Own. And sudden, I to know that Naani did change from her low singing unto an olden air that had surely not been heard in all that eternity. And in verity, for a little while, I not to know why that it did so shake all my heart; nor what it did be; nor whether that I had truly heard it before, or only to think so. And, surely, it did be as that the silence of the olden moonlit world did steal all about me; and sudden, I to know that the Maid did sing an olden love-song of the olden world, and to go halting a little as she sang, because that the words did steal something odd-wise through the far veils of her memory, even as a song doth come backward out of dreams. And I to feel all my blood to seem to tremble in my veins, and my throat to be troubled, as with vague sobs that did be the ghosts of forgotten tears. And the dim sorrow that had come so swift and strange upon me, to be likewise steeped in golden mists of the love that I once did love; and the glamour to be come all fresh upon me, and I to know in that moment how much we do forget, even when that we do believe that we have all memory and all sorrow within our hearts. And I lookt unto the Maid, something dimly, because of the way that I did be; and I perceived in a moment that Mine Own did weep as she walked; but the less with pain than with the strange anguish of Memory, that doth have in it Tenderness and Sorrow and Love and all that Hath Been and all that Did Never Be, and all to make a Vale unto the Spirit, where doth be both a dim greyness and a warm and everlasting light, and an utter speechlessness, and the low and far music of forgotten songs, that do come downward over the shadowy mountains that do be builded of Years and Forgetfulness, and yet made to be seen with the light of that our Memory, which doth cast so many husht shadows. And surely, as I did say, the Maid did weep as she went; but not to be cast down; but rather that she held her head upwise, as that she did walk in a glory. And the song to come oft-broke, and oddly, and to set her voice to little human quiverings, as her memory did shake her sweet spirit unto tears afresh; and she to walk with her pretty head upheld and as that she did go in a Triumph; and the tears to come down strangely upon her face, and all her soul to be there, pure and wondrous, and in the same time both troubled and glad. And this thing to be very dear and amazing; and she to be as that she not to know then that she sang; but as that she did be lost in her thoughts, as we do say, and this to have come sudden upon her, out of all her upliftedness of spirit, that had been like to make her very open unto all subtile and subtle powers of thought and inward stirrings, as you shall think. And again the song to come full-remembered, and fresh, as that this Eternity did be but the yesterday of that moment. And Mine Own to be all in a sweet madness with those half-dreamed memories, and the wonder and pain of all that no man hath ever said, and that shall be never said; and of the utter lost years, and all that hath been lost, and all forgotten greatness and splendour, and the dreadfulness of parting, and the loveliness of beautiful things that do be hid in the abyss of the years. And it did be sudden to my quickened fancy, that there did be low echoes all about us, of the voices of dear beautiful ones that have died; for so did memory set a strange and lovely mystery about my spirit in that moment, that I did be all shaken so much as Mine Own. And I to be as that I drew my breath anigh to tears, and did be there with Naani amid the quiet spareness of the trees and the rock of that part of the land; but yet did be to see half dimly that I stood within a light, even as the light that doth be the wonder of olden sunsets; and I to be, in the same time, both _that_ man and _this_ man that now doth write; and to have beside my spirit but one maid, that I did lack to know whether I say to her Naani or Mirdath; for though the two that have been Mine Own did be different-seeming to the eye, there to be but the spirit of one maid beside me in that moment. And surely, I did be there, all shaken unto the seeing of visions, as it did seem; so that the Land about me to have grown half as that it did lack that it be real unto my sight, because that I lookt inward unto Lands that did be of Memory. And lo! in a moment this to go; and I to be in that Country of the Seas, and to look newly unto Naani, and she to go as I have told; and there to be the lonesome trees and the rocks in all parts for a great way about. And sudden, as I lookt at Mine Own, she to come round unto me, and she held out her arms, and did gaze at me with such a love, as that she were transfigured, and to need strangely that she | see | How many times the word 'see' appears in the text? | 3 |
within the metal of mine head-gear, where the guards did come down at the sides; and she to kiss me very sober upon the lips; but yet to mean utter by that kiss. And I not to return the kiss; for I saw that it did not be her need. Now, in the beginning of the fourth hour, as I did go with the Maid, I to see afar off one of the half-bird monsters, that I did see before upon this place where there did be naught save great stones and boulders for a great way that did be many miles. And truly, I to hide very swift with the Maid, where two great boulders did come together; and surely the bird-creature to go past at no great way, and to go with a great bounding, that did be half of flight and half of leaping, as that it did be too weighty in the body to make to fly proper. And, indeed, I to have a sudden memory how that there did be a picture in some book that I did read in the Mighty Pyramid, where it did show such a bird-thing as this; and to make remark in the book that these things had been seen no more in the Night Land for a score thousand of years, or more; and to be extinct, as we do say. But, indeed, now I do think that they did be come downward to that warm Country, a great while gone, and so to have new life and to breed through a great age, and this way to have set a pattern unto the Humans. And, in verity, it might be that in some age that did be far after that time, the Humans to find some way to journey from the Pyramid, and to build a new Refuge in that deep Country; and mayhap the Humans thiswise to have a new space of life, after that all the Night Land did be dead and lost in the bitter frost of Eternity. But this, indeed, to be no more than an odd thought; for how might any great multitude pass the Monsters; and I to ask that you take it for nothing of fact, but only as of my suppositions; and thiswise to come back again to happenings. Now, when the bird-thing did be gone a long way off, I to go forward again with Mine Own, and to have a new care, and to look very swift and frequent everyway. And, truly, it did be as that the creatures did inhabit that part of the Country; for in an hour after that, I to see a good score. And, I to free the Diskos from my hip, and to have it ready in mine arms beside the Maid; and so to journey. And many times I to have to hide with Mine Own, and to crouch low among the rocks and the boulders; and this way to escape free of all for a great while. Yet, when that the fifth hour did be nigh gone, I heard a noise sudden to my back, as we did go over a clear space. And, in verity, there did be one of the monsters that came upward over certain rocks that were to my rearward; and surely it to have been stayed hid there, or resting, and to have heard us or to have smelled us; but anywise then to have knowledge of us, and to come with low and brutish heavy boundings, very lumbersome, after us. And I lookt everyway in a moment; but there was nowhere any shelter anigh. And the Maid to leap sudden from mine arms, that I be free with the Diskos; and I to look swift to her, and to see that she have her knife ready in her hand, that she might chance to aid me. But surely I might not fight in ease of mind, if that Mine Own did be needless in danger; and I caught her very quick by the waist, and set her upon the ground between my feet. And she to make half to refuse; but I to have no time for explaining, and to be sharp that I have her safe; so that I gave her a little shake that did sudden to make her feel the strength in me; and she then to be instant quiet in my hands, and to let me that I set her upon her face, and to cast the thick cloak above her; and in a moment to be stood over her, and to set down the visor of mine head-gear, lest that the bird-monster strike me in the face. And surely, the bird-thing did be scarce an hundred good paces off; and to make two lumbering and monstrous bounds, and to come at me. Yet, truly, it made sudden a pause, because that the Diskos did roar and send out fire, as I made it to spin; but in an instant the great thing to come in at me upon the left side, and to strike me very hard with the bill, that did be so long as mine arm, and had surely gone through my body, if that I had been naked. And the bill of the monster rang upon mine armour; and it smote me twice thiswise, so that I staggered very sick and shaken. But in a moment, as it made to draw off, that it should come the more hard upon me, I swung the Diskos very sure and quick, and I smote the Bird-thing above the place where the great seeming-leathern wing did join upon the right side, as it should be the shoulder of the Bird-monster. And, in verity, the monster gave out a mighty squarking, and went backward this way and that, and beat all about upon the stones, and did strike with the great bill at the place where it did be hurt. And I heeded that I end it swiftly; and I ran in upon it, and the creature to strike at me with the great bill, very savage. But I jumpt speedy to this side, and again to that, and so in a moment to have chance to come in surely. And truly I split the skull of the Bird-thing, so that it died very quick and was gone from pain. And the Bird-creature lay all spread upon the stones and the rock of that place; and surely it did be as that it were leathern, and made somewise as a bat doth be of this age, in that it did have no feathers. And, truly, it lookt mighty, where it did be spread; and indeed the body to be full so big as the body of a young horse; and the bill to be very deadly and sharp and cumbrous, as you to have guessed. And I to be all and utter thankful that it did be there, dead, in the stead of mine own body. And the thing yet to twitch and stir a little, as the life did go from it. And surely I was back then very speedy to the Maid, and she to be kneeled upward to watch me. And I took her into mine arms, and lookt well about; and made then forward again. And about the middle part of the sixth hour of crossing that rocky land, I saw that we did draw near unto the shallow river, that you shall mind I came over, after that I had done with the olden flying ship. And in all that time, since the Bird-monster to come after us, I had seen but two more, and they a great way off, so that I guessed that I was come beyond that part where they did go very frequent. And I to wade over the river, and to carry Mine Own upon one arm, the while that I did sound my way with the staff of the Diskos; and truly I came across very easy, save that I did have to go around somewhat, where that the river did seem to have a deep place. And when that we had crost the river, it did be full one and twenty hours since that we slumbered, as you shall know, if that you but count a little; for you do mind that we spent a certain time within the tree, as I have told; and this not to have been proper counted into the time of our journeying. And surely, the Maid to have been very quiet, since that I did show my strength a little to her, when that I made her to lie, that she be safe from the bill of the Bird-monster. But she not to be anywise in anger upon me; but only, as I do think, that the woman in her did be something fresh waked unto me; and she to be very content that she be quiet in mine arms. Now the place that we were come to, was much spread with boulders; but yet to have the beginnings again of the forests, as you to remember; for I to have made some small remark of the land in this part, upon mine outward way. And we lookt about for a fire-hole, that I should dry my lower garments; and truly, we had not past many in a great while; but we to be in fortune, that we came soon upon a little fire-hill that did be no more than so high as a man, and to have the rock all hot about; so that this did be a good place to our purpose. And I kist the Maid, and set her down out of mine arms; and when that I had lookt well about, and seen that there did be naught to our sight to give us to fear, the Maid to help me with mine armour; and afterward with my garments, and to ease me all ways that she could think of with helpfulness. And she set the garments of my lower parts to dry, and whilst that they did be drying, she to make ready the water and the tablets, and to have me to sit beside her, in my body-vest and gear, and we to eat and drink very comfortable in the warm hollow that was something anigh to the small fire-hill. Now, truly, I did be very hungry that time, and indeed to be alway so, for the tablets did be very unfilling to the belly, as you do well know from my tellings. And when that I did be finished, I saw that the Maid lookt at me somewise oddways, and sudden she to come into laughter, and askt me whether that I did be very empty; and in the same moment there to be a wondrous dear look within her eyes; so that I perceived that there went a mother-note under her impudence. And she to yearn, as I could know, that she have some way to feed me; but truly there did be no way, for we thought not to make to slay aught for our purpose, and we did be feared that we eat any root or plant, lest that we be ill. And this to seem strange to my spirit of this our age, but to be natural unto that; so that I do think I did be so long bred from the primal obtaining of food, that I did be all lost to that which should seem natural unto the peoples of this early age of the world; though we truly to think that the world doth even now be old; and this to have seemed a true thing unto every age that ever did live. Now, beside that we did lack somewise to think serious that we slay something to eat, in that the tablets did actually suffice to our strength, I to believe that there did be some other reason that I do forget, and mayhap never to have thought plain upon; but which to be set within me as an instinct, as we do say; and this to mean, if that I try to set it in other words, that the tablets did keep the body and the spirit in such condition that the Forces of Evil did have the less power to act upon us. Yet, have I no remembering that I was taught in the preparation that I eat naught, save the tablets; and this mayhap never to have been set upon me; but to have been as a thing that doth never need to have been told; even as you shall not tell a grown man in this Age that he shall refrain from dung, and eat only wholesome matter. And truly, I to hope that I have made this thing somewise clear unto you; for, indeed, it doth be something hard to set out; for every Age hath the subtleties peculiar to that Age; and these to be hard to the understanding of other Ages, but yet to seem plain and utter natural, even without thought, unto the Peoples of the Age. And surely all this to be plain to you, and to be over-plain; for, in verity, I tell to you, and over-tell, until that I should be weary; and mayhap you to be the more so. And, indeed, I not to blame you; but only to hope that your understanding, which doth mean also in general your hearts, doth be with me all along my way. And, indeed, this my tale to be not easy told. And, in verity, I to be back now unto the Maid a-laugh upon me, and in the same moment deeply loving and a-lack that she could not feed me, and I to laugh with her, and to have understanding with her, as you to know; and, indeed, I to have an heart that doth be made someways natural unto understanding; so that even though I be dead when you read this, my tale, you to feel that we be friends, and to know that could I meet with you in pitiful trouble, I to have understanding and love to you, if that you be not utter brutish; and even-so, I to be sorrowful that you should be brutish, and to have understanding, in that I to know that by developement you to become wise unto sweetness and charity, and in love with all dear things, and kind pity of the rest. And thiswise you to be in human sympathy with me, because that you do feel that I be honest with you, and somewise even now to your elbow, as you read. And this to be writ now, and you mayhap not to be born a great while yet; but in the end to read and to have understanding with me, and to know how I did love Mine Own. And so we to go forward again, the closer, in that we do be the more knit in dear human sympathy. And surely the Maid kist me very nice on the lips, and did promise again how that she should make me a great meal when that we did come to our Mighty Home; and, indeed, as she to say, she to join with me, and we both to be naughty gluttons for that once. And, surely, I laughed gently at the Maid, because that she should be so dainty a glutton; but for my part, I to feel that I could eat an horse, as we do say in this Age. And by that we had eat and drunk and talked awhile, and lookt oft about, so that we know that no brutish thing came near, to our hurt, the Maid to tell me that my garments did be dry; and she then to give me aid that I dress very quick; and afterward she to help me with mine armour, the which she did wipe after that we had eat and drunk; and she to have had joy that she do this thing, and all things for me; and to have used a part of her torn garments to this end. And so, truly, I to be clothed and armed very speedy, and to feel eased and the more sure in my mind; for in verity, I was alway in unease, when that I did not be ready that I be able to meet any horrid Brute that should be like to come upon us. Now, when that I did be into mine armour again, the Maid to set the scrip and the pouch upon me, and all the while I scarce to be loosed of the Diskos, as ever. And we then to our way, which did be that we find a place proper to our slumber. And when that we did be gone all-ways, and no cave proper to our sight, we found a great tree, that did be set off alone, and had a plenty of branches; but none that did be near to the bottom-part. And surely, I gave the Maid a lift, and held her up so far as mine arms did go, so that she might stand upon the palms of my hands, and be steady against the trunk of the tree; and she thiswise to have a hold upon a branch, and so to go upward. And, truly, when that she was safe, I loosed one of the straps from the pouch and the scrip, and I cast this up to the Maid, and she set it strong about the branch. And when I had caught the downward end, I went upward very easy; and afterward took loose the strap; and this way we did be something safe, as you shall see. And we climbed upward then, and so came to a part of the tree where the branches did be very thick together; and we made here a place for our slumber, and the Maid set the cloak over the branches that did be so close, and afterward we lay down; but first I set the strap about her waist, and thence to a branch, and she to refuse sleep until that I be likewise; so that we did be both very safe from any fall. And she kist me, and we then to our slumber, and very weary; for it did be two and twenty hours, by this, since that we had sleep. Now we had eight hours in which we slept utter; and we both to awake, as it did seem in the same moment; but truly, I to think that Mine Own did be wakeful before that time; for, indeed, as she put her arms very dainty about my neck, that she kiss me, I did have a quick and sudden knowledge that I had been kist oft in my sleep, and this to have been but a little while gone. And surely, it did seem to me that Mine Own did have a sweet and contented Mischief inward of her eyes; but yet she to be very sedate outward, and to kiss me loving and dear, and then we to our breakfast, upon the cloak. And afterward, I climbed to the topmost branches of the tree, and lookt well over the Country all about; but there was no brutish thing to my sight in any place, neither near nor far. And I came down then to the Maid, and told her how that there was quietness of life all about. And we had our gear together, and went downward to the earth, and I to help Mine Own, and this way she to be safe. Now, as we went forward upon our journeying, I perceived that the Maid had a wayward air; and truly, I thought that she did have her heart all set toward naughtiness and mischief; and in the same moment that I was in this belief, I did know in mine understanding that this did spring from the workings of my nature upon the nature of Mine Own Maiden. And Naani to walk, in the first, beside me, and to have no word for me, because that she did be so filled with the stirrings of her naughtiness, that did be in the same moment very sweet unto me, and yet to waken all that did be masterful within me. And she to be that she did know, and to delight, in her secret heart that she waken that which did be masterful in me; but yet in the same moment to be strong determined that she be not mastered by me. And surely this to seem contrarywise in the words; but to be clear to the heart, if indeed you have ever been loved by a dear maid of an high spirit. And above all this, the Maid did be filled with a love for me, that did beat and dance in all her being; and this in truth to overweigh all; but yet from this same thing her dainty naughtiness to be born, because, as I did say, my manhood to stir all her nature up-wise in sweet trouble that did be half of rebellion, and half that she did ache that she be close unto me in mine arms. And, in verity, you to be with me in all these things, if that you have had the love-days beside a dear and dainty maid, of an high and pure and natural spirit; so that if you be old these days, even but the light merriment of a passing maiden to bring a pain of wonderings and golden memories upon your heart. And presently, I saw that Mine Own put a little space between us, as the naughtiness did work in her, as my heart to know; and she to be offward from me a little. And she still to have no speech with me; but in a little to begin that she sing in a low voice; and to have her pretty body very upright and lithesome, and to go forward with a wondrous dainty swing, so that my heart told me that she did all be stirred with small thrillings of defiance unto me, and with thrillings of love; and she to have the triumph of her Maidenhood and of her Womanhood, as it were both to contend in her and to thrill upon her tongue, and to show out the lilting and pretty warfare of her spirit that did go dancing and dearly naughty in her breast. And surely I went, very lifted in my heart, and astir; for it did be wondrous to me that this lovely Maid did be so utter mine. And to see but the way that she set her feet to the earth, and the way that she did lift them sure and dainty; and the way that her body did be poised, and the way of her head; and the way of her naughtiness and the sweetness and the love that did be wrapt in with all, did make me want that I have her in mine arms. But yet, I not to do this, because that in the same time that she did so stir me to love and admirings, she to set somewhat else in me at variance, so that I did half to feel stern with her, for I perceived that she had that naughtiness then within her, that she did be like to have a real intent of impertinence unto me, so that she should be naughtily outrageous, and to have no heed to my advisings, neither unto my desires, unless that I set my hand upon her, to _make_ her to obey. And truly, you that have had dear maids, shall follow mine explainings; but unto others, I know not whether they shall understand, until they too have been possessed of One that shall set all their heart adrift, even as this One that did be Mine Own. And sudden, I to know that Naani did change from her low singing unto an olden air that had surely not been heard in all that eternity. And in verity, for a little while, I not to know why that it did so shake all my heart; nor what it did be; nor whether that I had truly heard it before, or only to think so. And, surely, it did be as that the silence of the olden moonlit world did steal all about me; and sudden, I to know that the Maid did sing an olden love-song of the olden world, and to go halting a little as she sang, because that the words did steal something odd-wise through the far veils of her memory, even as a song doth come backward out of dreams. And I to feel all my blood to seem to tremble in my veins, and my throat to be troubled, as with vague sobs that did be the ghosts of forgotten tears. And the dim sorrow that had come so swift and strange upon me, to be likewise steeped in golden mists of the love that I once did love; and the glamour to be come all fresh upon me, and I to know in that moment how much we do forget, even when that we do believe that we have all memory and all sorrow within our hearts. And I lookt unto the Maid, something dimly, because of the way that I did be; and I perceived in a moment that Mine Own did weep as she walked; but the less with pain than with the strange anguish of Memory, that doth have in it Tenderness and Sorrow and Love and all that Hath Been and all that Did Never Be, and all to make a Vale unto the Spirit, where doth be both a dim greyness and a warm and everlasting light, and an utter speechlessness, and the low and far music of forgotten songs, that do come downward over the shadowy mountains that do be builded of Years and Forgetfulness, and yet made to be seen with the light of that our Memory, which doth cast so many husht shadows. And surely, as I did say, the Maid did weep as she went; but not to be cast down; but rather that she held her head upwise, as that she did walk in a glory. And the song to come oft-broke, and oddly, and to set her voice to little human quiverings, as her memory did shake her sweet spirit unto tears afresh; and she to walk with her pretty head upheld and as that she did go in a Triumph; and the tears to come down strangely upon her face, and all her soul to be there, pure and wondrous, and in the same time both troubled and glad. And this thing to be very dear and amazing; and she to be as that she not to know then that she sang; but as that she did be lost in her thoughts, as we do say, and this to have come sudden upon her, out of all her upliftedness of spirit, that had been like to make her very open unto all subtile and subtle powers of thought and inward stirrings, as you shall think. And again the song to come full-remembered, and fresh, as that this Eternity did be but the yesterday of that moment. And Mine Own to be all in a sweet madness with those half-dreamed memories, and the wonder and pain of all that no man hath ever said, and that shall be never said; and of the utter lost years, and all that hath been lost, and all forgotten greatness and splendour, and the dreadfulness of parting, and the loveliness of beautiful things that do be hid in the abyss of the years. And it did be sudden to my quickened fancy, that there did be low echoes all about us, of the voices of dear beautiful ones that have died; for so did memory set a strange and lovely mystery about my spirit in that moment, that I did be all shaken so much as Mine Own. And I to be as that I drew my breath anigh to tears, and did be there with Naani amid the quiet spareness of the trees and the rock of that part of the land; but yet did be to see half dimly that I stood within a light, even as the light that doth be the wonder of olden sunsets; and I to be, in the same time, both _that_ man and _this_ man that now doth write; and to have beside my spirit but one maid, that I did lack to know whether I say to her Naani or Mirdath; for though the two that have been Mine Own did be different-seeming to the eye, there to be but the spirit of one maid beside me in that moment. And surely, I did be there, all shaken unto the seeing of visions, as it did seem; so that the Land about me to have grown half as that it did lack that it be real unto my sight, because that I lookt inward unto Lands that did be of Memory. And lo! in a moment this to go; and I to be in that Country of the Seas, and to look newly unto Naani, and she to go as I have told; and there to be the lonesome trees and the rocks in all parts for a great way about. And sudden, as I lookt at Mine Own, she to come round unto me, and she held out her arms, and did gaze at me with such a love, as that she were transfigured, and to need strangely that she | good | How many times the word 'good' appears in the text? | 3 |
within the metal of mine head-gear, where the guards did come down at the sides; and she to kiss me very sober upon the lips; but yet to mean utter by that kiss. And I not to return the kiss; for I saw that it did not be her need. Now, in the beginning of the fourth hour, as I did go with the Maid, I to see afar off one of the half-bird monsters, that I did see before upon this place where there did be naught save great stones and boulders for a great way that did be many miles. And truly, I to hide very swift with the Maid, where two great boulders did come together; and surely the bird-creature to go past at no great way, and to go with a great bounding, that did be half of flight and half of leaping, as that it did be too weighty in the body to make to fly proper. And, indeed, I to have a sudden memory how that there did be a picture in some book that I did read in the Mighty Pyramid, where it did show such a bird-thing as this; and to make remark in the book that these things had been seen no more in the Night Land for a score thousand of years, or more; and to be extinct, as we do say. But, indeed, now I do think that they did be come downward to that warm Country, a great while gone, and so to have new life and to breed through a great age, and this way to have set a pattern unto the Humans. And, in verity, it might be that in some age that did be far after that time, the Humans to find some way to journey from the Pyramid, and to build a new Refuge in that deep Country; and mayhap the Humans thiswise to have a new space of life, after that all the Night Land did be dead and lost in the bitter frost of Eternity. But this, indeed, to be no more than an odd thought; for how might any great multitude pass the Monsters; and I to ask that you take it for nothing of fact, but only as of my suppositions; and thiswise to come back again to happenings. Now, when the bird-thing did be gone a long way off, I to go forward again with Mine Own, and to have a new care, and to look very swift and frequent everyway. And, truly, it did be as that the creatures did inhabit that part of the Country; for in an hour after that, I to see a good score. And, I to free the Diskos from my hip, and to have it ready in mine arms beside the Maid; and so to journey. And many times I to have to hide with Mine Own, and to crouch low among the rocks and the boulders; and this way to escape free of all for a great while. Yet, when that the fifth hour did be nigh gone, I heard a noise sudden to my back, as we did go over a clear space. And, in verity, there did be one of the monsters that came upward over certain rocks that were to my rearward; and surely it to have been stayed hid there, or resting, and to have heard us or to have smelled us; but anywise then to have knowledge of us, and to come with low and brutish heavy boundings, very lumbersome, after us. And I lookt everyway in a moment; but there was nowhere any shelter anigh. And the Maid to leap sudden from mine arms, that I be free with the Diskos; and I to look swift to her, and to see that she have her knife ready in her hand, that she might chance to aid me. But surely I might not fight in ease of mind, if that Mine Own did be needless in danger; and I caught her very quick by the waist, and set her upon the ground between my feet. And she to make half to refuse; but I to have no time for explaining, and to be sharp that I have her safe; so that I gave her a little shake that did sudden to make her feel the strength in me; and she then to be instant quiet in my hands, and to let me that I set her upon her face, and to cast the thick cloak above her; and in a moment to be stood over her, and to set down the visor of mine head-gear, lest that the bird-monster strike me in the face. And surely, the bird-thing did be scarce an hundred good paces off; and to make two lumbering and monstrous bounds, and to come at me. Yet, truly, it made sudden a pause, because that the Diskos did roar and send out fire, as I made it to spin; but in an instant the great thing to come in at me upon the left side, and to strike me very hard with the bill, that did be so long as mine arm, and had surely gone through my body, if that I had been naked. And the bill of the monster rang upon mine armour; and it smote me twice thiswise, so that I staggered very sick and shaken. But in a moment, as it made to draw off, that it should come the more hard upon me, I swung the Diskos very sure and quick, and I smote the Bird-thing above the place where the great seeming-leathern wing did join upon the right side, as it should be the shoulder of the Bird-monster. And, in verity, the monster gave out a mighty squarking, and went backward this way and that, and beat all about upon the stones, and did strike with the great bill at the place where it did be hurt. And I heeded that I end it swiftly; and I ran in upon it, and the creature to strike at me with the great bill, very savage. But I jumpt speedy to this side, and again to that, and so in a moment to have chance to come in surely. And truly I split the skull of the Bird-thing, so that it died very quick and was gone from pain. And the Bird-creature lay all spread upon the stones and the rock of that place; and surely it did be as that it were leathern, and made somewise as a bat doth be of this age, in that it did have no feathers. And, truly, it lookt mighty, where it did be spread; and indeed the body to be full so big as the body of a young horse; and the bill to be very deadly and sharp and cumbrous, as you to have guessed. And I to be all and utter thankful that it did be there, dead, in the stead of mine own body. And the thing yet to twitch and stir a little, as the life did go from it. And surely I was back then very speedy to the Maid, and she to be kneeled upward to watch me. And I took her into mine arms, and lookt well about; and made then forward again. And about the middle part of the sixth hour of crossing that rocky land, I saw that we did draw near unto the shallow river, that you shall mind I came over, after that I had done with the olden flying ship. And in all that time, since the Bird-monster to come after us, I had seen but two more, and they a great way off, so that I guessed that I was come beyond that part where they did go very frequent. And I to wade over the river, and to carry Mine Own upon one arm, the while that I did sound my way with the staff of the Diskos; and truly I came across very easy, save that I did have to go around somewhat, where that the river did seem to have a deep place. And when that we had crost the river, it did be full one and twenty hours since that we slumbered, as you shall know, if that you but count a little; for you do mind that we spent a certain time within the tree, as I have told; and this not to have been proper counted into the time of our journeying. And surely, the Maid to have been very quiet, since that I did show my strength a little to her, when that I made her to lie, that she be safe from the bill of the Bird-monster. But she not to be anywise in anger upon me; but only, as I do think, that the woman in her did be something fresh waked unto me; and she to be very content that she be quiet in mine arms. Now the place that we were come to, was much spread with boulders; but yet to have the beginnings again of the forests, as you to remember; for I to have made some small remark of the land in this part, upon mine outward way. And we lookt about for a fire-hole, that I should dry my lower garments; and truly, we had not past many in a great while; but we to be in fortune, that we came soon upon a little fire-hill that did be no more than so high as a man, and to have the rock all hot about; so that this did be a good place to our purpose. And I kist the Maid, and set her down out of mine arms; and when that I had lookt well about, and seen that there did be naught to our sight to give us to fear, the Maid to help me with mine armour; and afterward with my garments, and to ease me all ways that she could think of with helpfulness. And she set the garments of my lower parts to dry, and whilst that they did be drying, she to make ready the water and the tablets, and to have me to sit beside her, in my body-vest and gear, and we to eat and drink very comfortable in the warm hollow that was something anigh to the small fire-hill. Now, truly, I did be very hungry that time, and indeed to be alway so, for the tablets did be very unfilling to the belly, as you do well know from my tellings. And when that I did be finished, I saw that the Maid lookt at me somewise oddways, and sudden she to come into laughter, and askt me whether that I did be very empty; and in the same moment there to be a wondrous dear look within her eyes; so that I perceived that there went a mother-note under her impudence. And she to yearn, as I could know, that she have some way to feed me; but truly there did be no way, for we thought not to make to slay aught for our purpose, and we did be feared that we eat any root or plant, lest that we be ill. And this to seem strange to my spirit of this our age, but to be natural unto that; so that I do think I did be so long bred from the primal obtaining of food, that I did be all lost to that which should seem natural unto the peoples of this early age of the world; though we truly to think that the world doth even now be old; and this to have seemed a true thing unto every age that ever did live. Now, beside that we did lack somewise to think serious that we slay something to eat, in that the tablets did actually suffice to our strength, I to believe that there did be some other reason that I do forget, and mayhap never to have thought plain upon; but which to be set within me as an instinct, as we do say; and this to mean, if that I try to set it in other words, that the tablets did keep the body and the spirit in such condition that the Forces of Evil did have the less power to act upon us. Yet, have I no remembering that I was taught in the preparation that I eat naught, save the tablets; and this mayhap never to have been set upon me; but to have been as a thing that doth never need to have been told; even as you shall not tell a grown man in this Age that he shall refrain from dung, and eat only wholesome matter. And truly, I to hope that I have made this thing somewise clear unto you; for, indeed, it doth be something hard to set out; for every Age hath the subtleties peculiar to that Age; and these to be hard to the understanding of other Ages, but yet to seem plain and utter natural, even without thought, unto the Peoples of the Age. And surely all this to be plain to you, and to be over-plain; for, in verity, I tell to you, and over-tell, until that I should be weary; and mayhap you to be the more so. And, indeed, I not to blame you; but only to hope that your understanding, which doth mean also in general your hearts, doth be with me all along my way. And, indeed, this my tale to be not easy told. And, in verity, I to be back now unto the Maid a-laugh upon me, and in the same moment deeply loving and a-lack that she could not feed me, and I to laugh with her, and to have understanding with her, as you to know; and, indeed, I to have an heart that doth be made someways natural unto understanding; so that even though I be dead when you read this, my tale, you to feel that we be friends, and to know that could I meet with you in pitiful trouble, I to have understanding and love to you, if that you be not utter brutish; and even-so, I to be sorrowful that you should be brutish, and to have understanding, in that I to know that by developement you to become wise unto sweetness and charity, and in love with all dear things, and kind pity of the rest. And thiswise you to be in human sympathy with me, because that you do feel that I be honest with you, and somewise even now to your elbow, as you read. And this to be writ now, and you mayhap not to be born a great while yet; but in the end to read and to have understanding with me, and to know how I did love Mine Own. And so we to go forward again, the closer, in that we do be the more knit in dear human sympathy. And surely the Maid kist me very nice on the lips, and did promise again how that she should make me a great meal when that we did come to our Mighty Home; and, indeed, as she to say, she to join with me, and we both to be naughty gluttons for that once. And, surely, I laughed gently at the Maid, because that she should be so dainty a glutton; but for my part, I to feel that I could eat an horse, as we do say in this Age. And by that we had eat and drunk and talked awhile, and lookt oft about, so that we know that no brutish thing came near, to our hurt, the Maid to tell me that my garments did be dry; and she then to give me aid that I dress very quick; and afterward she to help me with mine armour, the which she did wipe after that we had eat and drunk; and she to have had joy that she do this thing, and all things for me; and to have used a part of her torn garments to this end. And so, truly, I to be clothed and armed very speedy, and to feel eased and the more sure in my mind; for in verity, I was alway in unease, when that I did not be ready that I be able to meet any horrid Brute that should be like to come upon us. Now, when that I did be into mine armour again, the Maid to set the scrip and the pouch upon me, and all the while I scarce to be loosed of the Diskos, as ever. And we then to our way, which did be that we find a place proper to our slumber. And when that we did be gone all-ways, and no cave proper to our sight, we found a great tree, that did be set off alone, and had a plenty of branches; but none that did be near to the bottom-part. And surely, I gave the Maid a lift, and held her up so far as mine arms did go, so that she might stand upon the palms of my hands, and be steady against the trunk of the tree; and she thiswise to have a hold upon a branch, and so to go upward. And, truly, when that she was safe, I loosed one of the straps from the pouch and the scrip, and I cast this up to the Maid, and she set it strong about the branch. And when I had caught the downward end, I went upward very easy; and afterward took loose the strap; and this way we did be something safe, as you shall see. And we climbed upward then, and so came to a part of the tree where the branches did be very thick together; and we made here a place for our slumber, and the Maid set the cloak over the branches that did be so close, and afterward we lay down; but first I set the strap about her waist, and thence to a branch, and she to refuse sleep until that I be likewise; so that we did be both very safe from any fall. And she kist me, and we then to our slumber, and very weary; for it did be two and twenty hours, by this, since that we had sleep. Now we had eight hours in which we slept utter; and we both to awake, as it did seem in the same moment; but truly, I to think that Mine Own did be wakeful before that time; for, indeed, as she put her arms very dainty about my neck, that she kiss me, I did have a quick and sudden knowledge that I had been kist oft in my sleep, and this to have been but a little while gone. And surely, it did seem to me that Mine Own did have a sweet and contented Mischief inward of her eyes; but yet she to be very sedate outward, and to kiss me loving and dear, and then we to our breakfast, upon the cloak. And afterward, I climbed to the topmost branches of the tree, and lookt well over the Country all about; but there was no brutish thing to my sight in any place, neither near nor far. And I came down then to the Maid, and told her how that there was quietness of life all about. And we had our gear together, and went downward to the earth, and I to help Mine Own, and this way she to be safe. Now, as we went forward upon our journeying, I perceived that the Maid had a wayward air; and truly, I thought that she did have her heart all set toward naughtiness and mischief; and in the same moment that I was in this belief, I did know in mine understanding that this did spring from the workings of my nature upon the nature of Mine Own Maiden. And Naani to walk, in the first, beside me, and to have no word for me, because that she did be so filled with the stirrings of her naughtiness, that did be in the same moment very sweet unto me, and yet to waken all that did be masterful within me. And she to be that she did know, and to delight, in her secret heart that she waken that which did be masterful in me; but yet in the same moment to be strong determined that she be not mastered by me. And surely this to seem contrarywise in the words; but to be clear to the heart, if indeed you have ever been loved by a dear maid of an high spirit. And above all this, the Maid did be filled with a love for me, that did beat and dance in all her being; and this in truth to overweigh all; but yet from this same thing her dainty naughtiness to be born, because, as I did say, my manhood to stir all her nature up-wise in sweet trouble that did be half of rebellion, and half that she did ache that she be close unto me in mine arms. And, in verity, you to be with me in all these things, if that you have had the love-days beside a dear and dainty maid, of an high and pure and natural spirit; so that if you be old these days, even but the light merriment of a passing maiden to bring a pain of wonderings and golden memories upon your heart. And presently, I saw that Mine Own put a little space between us, as the naughtiness did work in her, as my heart to know; and she to be offward from me a little. And she still to have no speech with me; but in a little to begin that she sing in a low voice; and to have her pretty body very upright and lithesome, and to go forward with a wondrous dainty swing, so that my heart told me that she did all be stirred with small thrillings of defiance unto me, and with thrillings of love; and she to have the triumph of her Maidenhood and of her Womanhood, as it were both to contend in her and to thrill upon her tongue, and to show out the lilting and pretty warfare of her spirit that did go dancing and dearly naughty in her breast. And surely I went, very lifted in my heart, and astir; for it did be wondrous to me that this lovely Maid did be so utter mine. And to see but the way that she set her feet to the earth, and the way that she did lift them sure and dainty; and the way that her body did be poised, and the way of her head; and the way of her naughtiness and the sweetness and the love that did be wrapt in with all, did make me want that I have her in mine arms. But yet, I not to do this, because that in the same time that she did so stir me to love and admirings, she to set somewhat else in me at variance, so that I did half to feel stern with her, for I perceived that she had that naughtiness then within her, that she did be like to have a real intent of impertinence unto me, so that she should be naughtily outrageous, and to have no heed to my advisings, neither unto my desires, unless that I set my hand upon her, to _make_ her to obey. And truly, you that have had dear maids, shall follow mine explainings; but unto others, I know not whether they shall understand, until they too have been possessed of One that shall set all their heart adrift, even as this One that did be Mine Own. And sudden, I to know that Naani did change from her low singing unto an olden air that had surely not been heard in all that eternity. And in verity, for a little while, I not to know why that it did so shake all my heart; nor what it did be; nor whether that I had truly heard it before, or only to think so. And, surely, it did be as that the silence of the olden moonlit world did steal all about me; and sudden, I to know that the Maid did sing an olden love-song of the olden world, and to go halting a little as she sang, because that the words did steal something odd-wise through the far veils of her memory, even as a song doth come backward out of dreams. And I to feel all my blood to seem to tremble in my veins, and my throat to be troubled, as with vague sobs that did be the ghosts of forgotten tears. And the dim sorrow that had come so swift and strange upon me, to be likewise steeped in golden mists of the love that I once did love; and the glamour to be come all fresh upon me, and I to know in that moment how much we do forget, even when that we do believe that we have all memory and all sorrow within our hearts. And I lookt unto the Maid, something dimly, because of the way that I did be; and I perceived in a moment that Mine Own did weep as she walked; but the less with pain than with the strange anguish of Memory, that doth have in it Tenderness and Sorrow and Love and all that Hath Been and all that Did Never Be, and all to make a Vale unto the Spirit, where doth be both a dim greyness and a warm and everlasting light, and an utter speechlessness, and the low and far music of forgotten songs, that do come downward over the shadowy mountains that do be builded of Years and Forgetfulness, and yet made to be seen with the light of that our Memory, which doth cast so many husht shadows. And surely, as I did say, the Maid did weep as she went; but not to be cast down; but rather that she held her head upwise, as that she did walk in a glory. And the song to come oft-broke, and oddly, and to set her voice to little human quiverings, as her memory did shake her sweet spirit unto tears afresh; and she to walk with her pretty head upheld and as that she did go in a Triumph; and the tears to come down strangely upon her face, and all her soul to be there, pure and wondrous, and in the same time both troubled and glad. And this thing to be very dear and amazing; and she to be as that she not to know then that she sang; but as that she did be lost in her thoughts, as we do say, and this to have come sudden upon her, out of all her upliftedness of spirit, that had been like to make her very open unto all subtile and subtle powers of thought and inward stirrings, as you shall think. And again the song to come full-remembered, and fresh, as that this Eternity did be but the yesterday of that moment. And Mine Own to be all in a sweet madness with those half-dreamed memories, and the wonder and pain of all that no man hath ever said, and that shall be never said; and of the utter lost years, and all that hath been lost, and all forgotten greatness and splendour, and the dreadfulness of parting, and the loveliness of beautiful things that do be hid in the abyss of the years. And it did be sudden to my quickened fancy, that there did be low echoes all about us, of the voices of dear beautiful ones that have died; for so did memory set a strange and lovely mystery about my spirit in that moment, that I did be all shaken so much as Mine Own. And I to be as that I drew my breath anigh to tears, and did be there with Naani amid the quiet spareness of the trees and the rock of that part of the land; but yet did be to see half dimly that I stood within a light, even as the light that doth be the wonder of olden sunsets; and I to be, in the same time, both _that_ man and _this_ man that now doth write; and to have beside my spirit but one maid, that I did lack to know whether I say to her Naani or Mirdath; for though the two that have been Mine Own did be different-seeming to the eye, there to be but the spirit of one maid beside me in that moment. And surely, I did be there, all shaken unto the seeing of visions, as it did seem; so that the Land about me to have grown half as that it did lack that it be real unto my sight, because that I lookt inward unto Lands that did be of Memory. And lo! in a moment this to go; and I to be in that Country of the Seas, and to look newly unto Naani, and she to go as I have told; and there to be the lonesome trees and the rocks in all parts for a great way about. And sudden, as I lookt at Mine Own, she to come round unto me, and she held out her arms, and did gaze at me with such a love, as that she were transfigured, and to need strangely that she | waked | How many times the word 'waked' appears in the text? | 1 |
within the metal of mine head-gear, where the guards did come down at the sides; and she to kiss me very sober upon the lips; but yet to mean utter by that kiss. And I not to return the kiss; for I saw that it did not be her need. Now, in the beginning of the fourth hour, as I did go with the Maid, I to see afar off one of the half-bird monsters, that I did see before upon this place where there did be naught save great stones and boulders for a great way that did be many miles. And truly, I to hide very swift with the Maid, where two great boulders did come together; and surely the bird-creature to go past at no great way, and to go with a great bounding, that did be half of flight and half of leaping, as that it did be too weighty in the body to make to fly proper. And, indeed, I to have a sudden memory how that there did be a picture in some book that I did read in the Mighty Pyramid, where it did show such a bird-thing as this; and to make remark in the book that these things had been seen no more in the Night Land for a score thousand of years, or more; and to be extinct, as we do say. But, indeed, now I do think that they did be come downward to that warm Country, a great while gone, and so to have new life and to breed through a great age, and this way to have set a pattern unto the Humans. And, in verity, it might be that in some age that did be far after that time, the Humans to find some way to journey from the Pyramid, and to build a new Refuge in that deep Country; and mayhap the Humans thiswise to have a new space of life, after that all the Night Land did be dead and lost in the bitter frost of Eternity. But this, indeed, to be no more than an odd thought; for how might any great multitude pass the Monsters; and I to ask that you take it for nothing of fact, but only as of my suppositions; and thiswise to come back again to happenings. Now, when the bird-thing did be gone a long way off, I to go forward again with Mine Own, and to have a new care, and to look very swift and frequent everyway. And, truly, it did be as that the creatures did inhabit that part of the Country; for in an hour after that, I to see a good score. And, I to free the Diskos from my hip, and to have it ready in mine arms beside the Maid; and so to journey. And many times I to have to hide with Mine Own, and to crouch low among the rocks and the boulders; and this way to escape free of all for a great while. Yet, when that the fifth hour did be nigh gone, I heard a noise sudden to my back, as we did go over a clear space. And, in verity, there did be one of the monsters that came upward over certain rocks that were to my rearward; and surely it to have been stayed hid there, or resting, and to have heard us or to have smelled us; but anywise then to have knowledge of us, and to come with low and brutish heavy boundings, very lumbersome, after us. And I lookt everyway in a moment; but there was nowhere any shelter anigh. And the Maid to leap sudden from mine arms, that I be free with the Diskos; and I to look swift to her, and to see that she have her knife ready in her hand, that she might chance to aid me. But surely I might not fight in ease of mind, if that Mine Own did be needless in danger; and I caught her very quick by the waist, and set her upon the ground between my feet. And she to make half to refuse; but I to have no time for explaining, and to be sharp that I have her safe; so that I gave her a little shake that did sudden to make her feel the strength in me; and she then to be instant quiet in my hands, and to let me that I set her upon her face, and to cast the thick cloak above her; and in a moment to be stood over her, and to set down the visor of mine head-gear, lest that the bird-monster strike me in the face. And surely, the bird-thing did be scarce an hundred good paces off; and to make two lumbering and monstrous bounds, and to come at me. Yet, truly, it made sudden a pause, because that the Diskos did roar and send out fire, as I made it to spin; but in an instant the great thing to come in at me upon the left side, and to strike me very hard with the bill, that did be so long as mine arm, and had surely gone through my body, if that I had been naked. And the bill of the monster rang upon mine armour; and it smote me twice thiswise, so that I staggered very sick and shaken. But in a moment, as it made to draw off, that it should come the more hard upon me, I swung the Diskos very sure and quick, and I smote the Bird-thing above the place where the great seeming-leathern wing did join upon the right side, as it should be the shoulder of the Bird-monster. And, in verity, the monster gave out a mighty squarking, and went backward this way and that, and beat all about upon the stones, and did strike with the great bill at the place where it did be hurt. And I heeded that I end it swiftly; and I ran in upon it, and the creature to strike at me with the great bill, very savage. But I jumpt speedy to this side, and again to that, and so in a moment to have chance to come in surely. And truly I split the skull of the Bird-thing, so that it died very quick and was gone from pain. And the Bird-creature lay all spread upon the stones and the rock of that place; and surely it did be as that it were leathern, and made somewise as a bat doth be of this age, in that it did have no feathers. And, truly, it lookt mighty, where it did be spread; and indeed the body to be full so big as the body of a young horse; and the bill to be very deadly and sharp and cumbrous, as you to have guessed. And I to be all and utter thankful that it did be there, dead, in the stead of mine own body. And the thing yet to twitch and stir a little, as the life did go from it. And surely I was back then very speedy to the Maid, and she to be kneeled upward to watch me. And I took her into mine arms, and lookt well about; and made then forward again. And about the middle part of the sixth hour of crossing that rocky land, I saw that we did draw near unto the shallow river, that you shall mind I came over, after that I had done with the olden flying ship. And in all that time, since the Bird-monster to come after us, I had seen but two more, and they a great way off, so that I guessed that I was come beyond that part where they did go very frequent. And I to wade over the river, and to carry Mine Own upon one arm, the while that I did sound my way with the staff of the Diskos; and truly I came across very easy, save that I did have to go around somewhat, where that the river did seem to have a deep place. And when that we had crost the river, it did be full one and twenty hours since that we slumbered, as you shall know, if that you but count a little; for you do mind that we spent a certain time within the tree, as I have told; and this not to have been proper counted into the time of our journeying. And surely, the Maid to have been very quiet, since that I did show my strength a little to her, when that I made her to lie, that she be safe from the bill of the Bird-monster. But she not to be anywise in anger upon me; but only, as I do think, that the woman in her did be something fresh waked unto me; and she to be very content that she be quiet in mine arms. Now the place that we were come to, was much spread with boulders; but yet to have the beginnings again of the forests, as you to remember; for I to have made some small remark of the land in this part, upon mine outward way. And we lookt about for a fire-hole, that I should dry my lower garments; and truly, we had not past many in a great while; but we to be in fortune, that we came soon upon a little fire-hill that did be no more than so high as a man, and to have the rock all hot about; so that this did be a good place to our purpose. And I kist the Maid, and set her down out of mine arms; and when that I had lookt well about, and seen that there did be naught to our sight to give us to fear, the Maid to help me with mine armour; and afterward with my garments, and to ease me all ways that she could think of with helpfulness. And she set the garments of my lower parts to dry, and whilst that they did be drying, she to make ready the water and the tablets, and to have me to sit beside her, in my body-vest and gear, and we to eat and drink very comfortable in the warm hollow that was something anigh to the small fire-hill. Now, truly, I did be very hungry that time, and indeed to be alway so, for the tablets did be very unfilling to the belly, as you do well know from my tellings. And when that I did be finished, I saw that the Maid lookt at me somewise oddways, and sudden she to come into laughter, and askt me whether that I did be very empty; and in the same moment there to be a wondrous dear look within her eyes; so that I perceived that there went a mother-note under her impudence. And she to yearn, as I could know, that she have some way to feed me; but truly there did be no way, for we thought not to make to slay aught for our purpose, and we did be feared that we eat any root or plant, lest that we be ill. And this to seem strange to my spirit of this our age, but to be natural unto that; so that I do think I did be so long bred from the primal obtaining of food, that I did be all lost to that which should seem natural unto the peoples of this early age of the world; though we truly to think that the world doth even now be old; and this to have seemed a true thing unto every age that ever did live. Now, beside that we did lack somewise to think serious that we slay something to eat, in that the tablets did actually suffice to our strength, I to believe that there did be some other reason that I do forget, and mayhap never to have thought plain upon; but which to be set within me as an instinct, as we do say; and this to mean, if that I try to set it in other words, that the tablets did keep the body and the spirit in such condition that the Forces of Evil did have the less power to act upon us. Yet, have I no remembering that I was taught in the preparation that I eat naught, save the tablets; and this mayhap never to have been set upon me; but to have been as a thing that doth never need to have been told; even as you shall not tell a grown man in this Age that he shall refrain from dung, and eat only wholesome matter. And truly, I to hope that I have made this thing somewise clear unto you; for, indeed, it doth be something hard to set out; for every Age hath the subtleties peculiar to that Age; and these to be hard to the understanding of other Ages, but yet to seem plain and utter natural, even without thought, unto the Peoples of the Age. And surely all this to be plain to you, and to be over-plain; for, in verity, I tell to you, and over-tell, until that I should be weary; and mayhap you to be the more so. And, indeed, I not to blame you; but only to hope that your understanding, which doth mean also in general your hearts, doth be with me all along my way. And, indeed, this my tale to be not easy told. And, in verity, I to be back now unto the Maid a-laugh upon me, and in the same moment deeply loving and a-lack that she could not feed me, and I to laugh with her, and to have understanding with her, as you to know; and, indeed, I to have an heart that doth be made someways natural unto understanding; so that even though I be dead when you read this, my tale, you to feel that we be friends, and to know that could I meet with you in pitiful trouble, I to have understanding and love to you, if that you be not utter brutish; and even-so, I to be sorrowful that you should be brutish, and to have understanding, in that I to know that by developement you to become wise unto sweetness and charity, and in love with all dear things, and kind pity of the rest. And thiswise you to be in human sympathy with me, because that you do feel that I be honest with you, and somewise even now to your elbow, as you read. And this to be writ now, and you mayhap not to be born a great while yet; but in the end to read and to have understanding with me, and to know how I did love Mine Own. And so we to go forward again, the closer, in that we do be the more knit in dear human sympathy. And surely the Maid kist me very nice on the lips, and did promise again how that she should make me a great meal when that we did come to our Mighty Home; and, indeed, as she to say, she to join with me, and we both to be naughty gluttons for that once. And, surely, I laughed gently at the Maid, because that she should be so dainty a glutton; but for my part, I to feel that I could eat an horse, as we do say in this Age. And by that we had eat and drunk and talked awhile, and lookt oft about, so that we know that no brutish thing came near, to our hurt, the Maid to tell me that my garments did be dry; and she then to give me aid that I dress very quick; and afterward she to help me with mine armour, the which she did wipe after that we had eat and drunk; and she to have had joy that she do this thing, and all things for me; and to have used a part of her torn garments to this end. And so, truly, I to be clothed and armed very speedy, and to feel eased and the more sure in my mind; for in verity, I was alway in unease, when that I did not be ready that I be able to meet any horrid Brute that should be like to come upon us. Now, when that I did be into mine armour again, the Maid to set the scrip and the pouch upon me, and all the while I scarce to be loosed of the Diskos, as ever. And we then to our way, which did be that we find a place proper to our slumber. And when that we did be gone all-ways, and no cave proper to our sight, we found a great tree, that did be set off alone, and had a plenty of branches; but none that did be near to the bottom-part. And surely, I gave the Maid a lift, and held her up so far as mine arms did go, so that she might stand upon the palms of my hands, and be steady against the trunk of the tree; and she thiswise to have a hold upon a branch, and so to go upward. And, truly, when that she was safe, I loosed one of the straps from the pouch and the scrip, and I cast this up to the Maid, and she set it strong about the branch. And when I had caught the downward end, I went upward very easy; and afterward took loose the strap; and this way we did be something safe, as you shall see. And we climbed upward then, and so came to a part of the tree where the branches did be very thick together; and we made here a place for our slumber, and the Maid set the cloak over the branches that did be so close, and afterward we lay down; but first I set the strap about her waist, and thence to a branch, and she to refuse sleep until that I be likewise; so that we did be both very safe from any fall. And she kist me, and we then to our slumber, and very weary; for it did be two and twenty hours, by this, since that we had sleep. Now we had eight hours in which we slept utter; and we both to awake, as it did seem in the same moment; but truly, I to think that Mine Own did be wakeful before that time; for, indeed, as she put her arms very dainty about my neck, that she kiss me, I did have a quick and sudden knowledge that I had been kist oft in my sleep, and this to have been but a little while gone. And surely, it did seem to me that Mine Own did have a sweet and contented Mischief inward of her eyes; but yet she to be very sedate outward, and to kiss me loving and dear, and then we to our breakfast, upon the cloak. And afterward, I climbed to the topmost branches of the tree, and lookt well over the Country all about; but there was no brutish thing to my sight in any place, neither near nor far. And I came down then to the Maid, and told her how that there was quietness of life all about. And we had our gear together, and went downward to the earth, and I to help Mine Own, and this way she to be safe. Now, as we went forward upon our journeying, I perceived that the Maid had a wayward air; and truly, I thought that she did have her heart all set toward naughtiness and mischief; and in the same moment that I was in this belief, I did know in mine understanding that this did spring from the workings of my nature upon the nature of Mine Own Maiden. And Naani to walk, in the first, beside me, and to have no word for me, because that she did be so filled with the stirrings of her naughtiness, that did be in the same moment very sweet unto me, and yet to waken all that did be masterful within me. And she to be that she did know, and to delight, in her secret heart that she waken that which did be masterful in me; but yet in the same moment to be strong determined that she be not mastered by me. And surely this to seem contrarywise in the words; but to be clear to the heart, if indeed you have ever been loved by a dear maid of an high spirit. And above all this, the Maid did be filled with a love for me, that did beat and dance in all her being; and this in truth to overweigh all; but yet from this same thing her dainty naughtiness to be born, because, as I did say, my manhood to stir all her nature up-wise in sweet trouble that did be half of rebellion, and half that she did ache that she be close unto me in mine arms. And, in verity, you to be with me in all these things, if that you have had the love-days beside a dear and dainty maid, of an high and pure and natural spirit; so that if you be old these days, even but the light merriment of a passing maiden to bring a pain of wonderings and golden memories upon your heart. And presently, I saw that Mine Own put a little space between us, as the naughtiness did work in her, as my heart to know; and she to be offward from me a little. And she still to have no speech with me; but in a little to begin that she sing in a low voice; and to have her pretty body very upright and lithesome, and to go forward with a wondrous dainty swing, so that my heart told me that she did all be stirred with small thrillings of defiance unto me, and with thrillings of love; and she to have the triumph of her Maidenhood and of her Womanhood, as it were both to contend in her and to thrill upon her tongue, and to show out the lilting and pretty warfare of her spirit that did go dancing and dearly naughty in her breast. And surely I went, very lifted in my heart, and astir; for it did be wondrous to me that this lovely Maid did be so utter mine. And to see but the way that she set her feet to the earth, and the way that she did lift them sure and dainty; and the way that her body did be poised, and the way of her head; and the way of her naughtiness and the sweetness and the love that did be wrapt in with all, did make me want that I have her in mine arms. But yet, I not to do this, because that in the same time that she did so stir me to love and admirings, she to set somewhat else in me at variance, so that I did half to feel stern with her, for I perceived that she had that naughtiness then within her, that she did be like to have a real intent of impertinence unto me, so that she should be naughtily outrageous, and to have no heed to my advisings, neither unto my desires, unless that I set my hand upon her, to _make_ her to obey. And truly, you that have had dear maids, shall follow mine explainings; but unto others, I know not whether they shall understand, until they too have been possessed of One that shall set all their heart adrift, even as this One that did be Mine Own. And sudden, I to know that Naani did change from her low singing unto an olden air that had surely not been heard in all that eternity. And in verity, for a little while, I not to know why that it did so shake all my heart; nor what it did be; nor whether that I had truly heard it before, or only to think so. And, surely, it did be as that the silence of the olden moonlit world did steal all about me; and sudden, I to know that the Maid did sing an olden love-song of the olden world, and to go halting a little as she sang, because that the words did steal something odd-wise through the far veils of her memory, even as a song doth come backward out of dreams. And I to feel all my blood to seem to tremble in my veins, and my throat to be troubled, as with vague sobs that did be the ghosts of forgotten tears. And the dim sorrow that had come so swift and strange upon me, to be likewise steeped in golden mists of the love that I once did love; and the glamour to be come all fresh upon me, and I to know in that moment how much we do forget, even when that we do believe that we have all memory and all sorrow within our hearts. And I lookt unto the Maid, something dimly, because of the way that I did be; and I perceived in a moment that Mine Own did weep as she walked; but the less with pain than with the strange anguish of Memory, that doth have in it Tenderness and Sorrow and Love and all that Hath Been and all that Did Never Be, and all to make a Vale unto the Spirit, where doth be both a dim greyness and a warm and everlasting light, and an utter speechlessness, and the low and far music of forgotten songs, that do come downward over the shadowy mountains that do be builded of Years and Forgetfulness, and yet made to be seen with the light of that our Memory, which doth cast so many husht shadows. And surely, as I did say, the Maid did weep as she went; but not to be cast down; but rather that she held her head upwise, as that she did walk in a glory. And the song to come oft-broke, and oddly, and to set her voice to little human quiverings, as her memory did shake her sweet spirit unto tears afresh; and she to walk with her pretty head upheld and as that she did go in a Triumph; and the tears to come down strangely upon her face, and all her soul to be there, pure and wondrous, and in the same time both troubled and glad. And this thing to be very dear and amazing; and she to be as that she not to know then that she sang; but as that she did be lost in her thoughts, as we do say, and this to have come sudden upon her, out of all her upliftedness of spirit, that had been like to make her very open unto all subtile and subtle powers of thought and inward stirrings, as you shall think. And again the song to come full-remembered, and fresh, as that this Eternity did be but the yesterday of that moment. And Mine Own to be all in a sweet madness with those half-dreamed memories, and the wonder and pain of all that no man hath ever said, and that shall be never said; and of the utter lost years, and all that hath been lost, and all forgotten greatness and splendour, and the dreadfulness of parting, and the loveliness of beautiful things that do be hid in the abyss of the years. And it did be sudden to my quickened fancy, that there did be low echoes all about us, of the voices of dear beautiful ones that have died; for so did memory set a strange and lovely mystery about my spirit in that moment, that I did be all shaken so much as Mine Own. And I to be as that I drew my breath anigh to tears, and did be there with Naani amid the quiet spareness of the trees and the rock of that part of the land; but yet did be to see half dimly that I stood within a light, even as the light that doth be the wonder of olden sunsets; and I to be, in the same time, both _that_ man and _this_ man that now doth write; and to have beside my spirit but one maid, that I did lack to know whether I say to her Naani or Mirdath; for though the two that have been Mine Own did be different-seeming to the eye, there to be but the spirit of one maid beside me in that moment. And surely, I did be there, all shaken unto the seeing of visions, as it did seem; so that the Land about me to have grown half as that it did lack that it be real unto my sight, because that I lookt inward unto Lands that did be of Memory. And lo! in a moment this to go; and I to be in that Country of the Seas, and to look newly unto Naani, and she to go as I have told; and there to be the lonesome trees and the rocks in all parts for a great way about. And sudden, as I lookt at Mine Own, she to come round unto me, and she held out her arms, and did gaze at me with such a love, as that she were transfigured, and to need strangely that she | communications | How many times the word 'communications' appears in the text? | 0 |
within the metal of mine head-gear, where the guards did come down at the sides; and she to kiss me very sober upon the lips; but yet to mean utter by that kiss. And I not to return the kiss; for I saw that it did not be her need. Now, in the beginning of the fourth hour, as I did go with the Maid, I to see afar off one of the half-bird monsters, that I did see before upon this place where there did be naught save great stones and boulders for a great way that did be many miles. And truly, I to hide very swift with the Maid, where two great boulders did come together; and surely the bird-creature to go past at no great way, and to go with a great bounding, that did be half of flight and half of leaping, as that it did be too weighty in the body to make to fly proper. And, indeed, I to have a sudden memory how that there did be a picture in some book that I did read in the Mighty Pyramid, where it did show such a bird-thing as this; and to make remark in the book that these things had been seen no more in the Night Land for a score thousand of years, or more; and to be extinct, as we do say. But, indeed, now I do think that they did be come downward to that warm Country, a great while gone, and so to have new life and to breed through a great age, and this way to have set a pattern unto the Humans. And, in verity, it might be that in some age that did be far after that time, the Humans to find some way to journey from the Pyramid, and to build a new Refuge in that deep Country; and mayhap the Humans thiswise to have a new space of life, after that all the Night Land did be dead and lost in the bitter frost of Eternity. But this, indeed, to be no more than an odd thought; for how might any great multitude pass the Monsters; and I to ask that you take it for nothing of fact, but only as of my suppositions; and thiswise to come back again to happenings. Now, when the bird-thing did be gone a long way off, I to go forward again with Mine Own, and to have a new care, and to look very swift and frequent everyway. And, truly, it did be as that the creatures did inhabit that part of the Country; for in an hour after that, I to see a good score. And, I to free the Diskos from my hip, and to have it ready in mine arms beside the Maid; and so to journey. And many times I to have to hide with Mine Own, and to crouch low among the rocks and the boulders; and this way to escape free of all for a great while. Yet, when that the fifth hour did be nigh gone, I heard a noise sudden to my back, as we did go over a clear space. And, in verity, there did be one of the monsters that came upward over certain rocks that were to my rearward; and surely it to have been stayed hid there, or resting, and to have heard us or to have smelled us; but anywise then to have knowledge of us, and to come with low and brutish heavy boundings, very lumbersome, after us. And I lookt everyway in a moment; but there was nowhere any shelter anigh. And the Maid to leap sudden from mine arms, that I be free with the Diskos; and I to look swift to her, and to see that she have her knife ready in her hand, that she might chance to aid me. But surely I might not fight in ease of mind, if that Mine Own did be needless in danger; and I caught her very quick by the waist, and set her upon the ground between my feet. And she to make half to refuse; but I to have no time for explaining, and to be sharp that I have her safe; so that I gave her a little shake that did sudden to make her feel the strength in me; and she then to be instant quiet in my hands, and to let me that I set her upon her face, and to cast the thick cloak above her; and in a moment to be stood over her, and to set down the visor of mine head-gear, lest that the bird-monster strike me in the face. And surely, the bird-thing did be scarce an hundred good paces off; and to make two lumbering and monstrous bounds, and to come at me. Yet, truly, it made sudden a pause, because that the Diskos did roar and send out fire, as I made it to spin; but in an instant the great thing to come in at me upon the left side, and to strike me very hard with the bill, that did be so long as mine arm, and had surely gone through my body, if that I had been naked. And the bill of the monster rang upon mine armour; and it smote me twice thiswise, so that I staggered very sick and shaken. But in a moment, as it made to draw off, that it should come the more hard upon me, I swung the Diskos very sure and quick, and I smote the Bird-thing above the place where the great seeming-leathern wing did join upon the right side, as it should be the shoulder of the Bird-monster. And, in verity, the monster gave out a mighty squarking, and went backward this way and that, and beat all about upon the stones, and did strike with the great bill at the place where it did be hurt. And I heeded that I end it swiftly; and I ran in upon it, and the creature to strike at me with the great bill, very savage. But I jumpt speedy to this side, and again to that, and so in a moment to have chance to come in surely. And truly I split the skull of the Bird-thing, so that it died very quick and was gone from pain. And the Bird-creature lay all spread upon the stones and the rock of that place; and surely it did be as that it were leathern, and made somewise as a bat doth be of this age, in that it did have no feathers. And, truly, it lookt mighty, where it did be spread; and indeed the body to be full so big as the body of a young horse; and the bill to be very deadly and sharp and cumbrous, as you to have guessed. And I to be all and utter thankful that it did be there, dead, in the stead of mine own body. And the thing yet to twitch and stir a little, as the life did go from it. And surely I was back then very speedy to the Maid, and she to be kneeled upward to watch me. And I took her into mine arms, and lookt well about; and made then forward again. And about the middle part of the sixth hour of crossing that rocky land, I saw that we did draw near unto the shallow river, that you shall mind I came over, after that I had done with the olden flying ship. And in all that time, since the Bird-monster to come after us, I had seen but two more, and they a great way off, so that I guessed that I was come beyond that part where they did go very frequent. And I to wade over the river, and to carry Mine Own upon one arm, the while that I did sound my way with the staff of the Diskos; and truly I came across very easy, save that I did have to go around somewhat, where that the river did seem to have a deep place. And when that we had crost the river, it did be full one and twenty hours since that we slumbered, as you shall know, if that you but count a little; for you do mind that we spent a certain time within the tree, as I have told; and this not to have been proper counted into the time of our journeying. And surely, the Maid to have been very quiet, since that I did show my strength a little to her, when that I made her to lie, that she be safe from the bill of the Bird-monster. But she not to be anywise in anger upon me; but only, as I do think, that the woman in her did be something fresh waked unto me; and she to be very content that she be quiet in mine arms. Now the place that we were come to, was much spread with boulders; but yet to have the beginnings again of the forests, as you to remember; for I to have made some small remark of the land in this part, upon mine outward way. And we lookt about for a fire-hole, that I should dry my lower garments; and truly, we had not past many in a great while; but we to be in fortune, that we came soon upon a little fire-hill that did be no more than so high as a man, and to have the rock all hot about; so that this did be a good place to our purpose. And I kist the Maid, and set her down out of mine arms; and when that I had lookt well about, and seen that there did be naught to our sight to give us to fear, the Maid to help me with mine armour; and afterward with my garments, and to ease me all ways that she could think of with helpfulness. And she set the garments of my lower parts to dry, and whilst that they did be drying, she to make ready the water and the tablets, and to have me to sit beside her, in my body-vest and gear, and we to eat and drink very comfortable in the warm hollow that was something anigh to the small fire-hill. Now, truly, I did be very hungry that time, and indeed to be alway so, for the tablets did be very unfilling to the belly, as you do well know from my tellings. And when that I did be finished, I saw that the Maid lookt at me somewise oddways, and sudden she to come into laughter, and askt me whether that I did be very empty; and in the same moment there to be a wondrous dear look within her eyes; so that I perceived that there went a mother-note under her impudence. And she to yearn, as I could know, that she have some way to feed me; but truly there did be no way, for we thought not to make to slay aught for our purpose, and we did be feared that we eat any root or plant, lest that we be ill. And this to seem strange to my spirit of this our age, but to be natural unto that; so that I do think I did be so long bred from the primal obtaining of food, that I did be all lost to that which should seem natural unto the peoples of this early age of the world; though we truly to think that the world doth even now be old; and this to have seemed a true thing unto every age that ever did live. Now, beside that we did lack somewise to think serious that we slay something to eat, in that the tablets did actually suffice to our strength, I to believe that there did be some other reason that I do forget, and mayhap never to have thought plain upon; but which to be set within me as an instinct, as we do say; and this to mean, if that I try to set it in other words, that the tablets did keep the body and the spirit in such condition that the Forces of Evil did have the less power to act upon us. Yet, have I no remembering that I was taught in the preparation that I eat naught, save the tablets; and this mayhap never to have been set upon me; but to have been as a thing that doth never need to have been told; even as you shall not tell a grown man in this Age that he shall refrain from dung, and eat only wholesome matter. And truly, I to hope that I have made this thing somewise clear unto you; for, indeed, it doth be something hard to set out; for every Age hath the subtleties peculiar to that Age; and these to be hard to the understanding of other Ages, but yet to seem plain and utter natural, even without thought, unto the Peoples of the Age. And surely all this to be plain to you, and to be over-plain; for, in verity, I tell to you, and over-tell, until that I should be weary; and mayhap you to be the more so. And, indeed, I not to blame you; but only to hope that your understanding, which doth mean also in general your hearts, doth be with me all along my way. And, indeed, this my tale to be not easy told. And, in verity, I to be back now unto the Maid a-laugh upon me, and in the same moment deeply loving and a-lack that she could not feed me, and I to laugh with her, and to have understanding with her, as you to know; and, indeed, I to have an heart that doth be made someways natural unto understanding; so that even though I be dead when you read this, my tale, you to feel that we be friends, and to know that could I meet with you in pitiful trouble, I to have understanding and love to you, if that you be not utter brutish; and even-so, I to be sorrowful that you should be brutish, and to have understanding, in that I to know that by developement you to become wise unto sweetness and charity, and in love with all dear things, and kind pity of the rest. And thiswise you to be in human sympathy with me, because that you do feel that I be honest with you, and somewise even now to your elbow, as you read. And this to be writ now, and you mayhap not to be born a great while yet; but in the end to read and to have understanding with me, and to know how I did love Mine Own. And so we to go forward again, the closer, in that we do be the more knit in dear human sympathy. And surely the Maid kist me very nice on the lips, and did promise again how that she should make me a great meal when that we did come to our Mighty Home; and, indeed, as she to say, she to join with me, and we both to be naughty gluttons for that once. And, surely, I laughed gently at the Maid, because that she should be so dainty a glutton; but for my part, I to feel that I could eat an horse, as we do say in this Age. And by that we had eat and drunk and talked awhile, and lookt oft about, so that we know that no brutish thing came near, to our hurt, the Maid to tell me that my garments did be dry; and she then to give me aid that I dress very quick; and afterward she to help me with mine armour, the which she did wipe after that we had eat and drunk; and she to have had joy that she do this thing, and all things for me; and to have used a part of her torn garments to this end. And so, truly, I to be clothed and armed very speedy, and to feel eased and the more sure in my mind; for in verity, I was alway in unease, when that I did not be ready that I be able to meet any horrid Brute that should be like to come upon us. Now, when that I did be into mine armour again, the Maid to set the scrip and the pouch upon me, and all the while I scarce to be loosed of the Diskos, as ever. And we then to our way, which did be that we find a place proper to our slumber. And when that we did be gone all-ways, and no cave proper to our sight, we found a great tree, that did be set off alone, and had a plenty of branches; but none that did be near to the bottom-part. And surely, I gave the Maid a lift, and held her up so far as mine arms did go, so that she might stand upon the palms of my hands, and be steady against the trunk of the tree; and she thiswise to have a hold upon a branch, and so to go upward. And, truly, when that she was safe, I loosed one of the straps from the pouch and the scrip, and I cast this up to the Maid, and she set it strong about the branch. And when I had caught the downward end, I went upward very easy; and afterward took loose the strap; and this way we did be something safe, as you shall see. And we climbed upward then, and so came to a part of the tree where the branches did be very thick together; and we made here a place for our slumber, and the Maid set the cloak over the branches that did be so close, and afterward we lay down; but first I set the strap about her waist, and thence to a branch, and she to refuse sleep until that I be likewise; so that we did be both very safe from any fall. And she kist me, and we then to our slumber, and very weary; for it did be two and twenty hours, by this, since that we had sleep. Now we had eight hours in which we slept utter; and we both to awake, as it did seem in the same moment; but truly, I to think that Mine Own did be wakeful before that time; for, indeed, as she put her arms very dainty about my neck, that she kiss me, I did have a quick and sudden knowledge that I had been kist oft in my sleep, and this to have been but a little while gone. And surely, it did seem to me that Mine Own did have a sweet and contented Mischief inward of her eyes; but yet she to be very sedate outward, and to kiss me loving and dear, and then we to our breakfast, upon the cloak. And afterward, I climbed to the topmost branches of the tree, and lookt well over the Country all about; but there was no brutish thing to my sight in any place, neither near nor far. And I came down then to the Maid, and told her how that there was quietness of life all about. And we had our gear together, and went downward to the earth, and I to help Mine Own, and this way she to be safe. Now, as we went forward upon our journeying, I perceived that the Maid had a wayward air; and truly, I thought that she did have her heart all set toward naughtiness and mischief; and in the same moment that I was in this belief, I did know in mine understanding that this did spring from the workings of my nature upon the nature of Mine Own Maiden. And Naani to walk, in the first, beside me, and to have no word for me, because that she did be so filled with the stirrings of her naughtiness, that did be in the same moment very sweet unto me, and yet to waken all that did be masterful within me. And she to be that she did know, and to delight, in her secret heart that she waken that which did be masterful in me; but yet in the same moment to be strong determined that she be not mastered by me. And surely this to seem contrarywise in the words; but to be clear to the heart, if indeed you have ever been loved by a dear maid of an high spirit. And above all this, the Maid did be filled with a love for me, that did beat and dance in all her being; and this in truth to overweigh all; but yet from this same thing her dainty naughtiness to be born, because, as I did say, my manhood to stir all her nature up-wise in sweet trouble that did be half of rebellion, and half that she did ache that she be close unto me in mine arms. And, in verity, you to be with me in all these things, if that you have had the love-days beside a dear and dainty maid, of an high and pure and natural spirit; so that if you be old these days, even but the light merriment of a passing maiden to bring a pain of wonderings and golden memories upon your heart. And presently, I saw that Mine Own put a little space between us, as the naughtiness did work in her, as my heart to know; and she to be offward from me a little. And she still to have no speech with me; but in a little to begin that she sing in a low voice; and to have her pretty body very upright and lithesome, and to go forward with a wondrous dainty swing, so that my heart told me that she did all be stirred with small thrillings of defiance unto me, and with thrillings of love; and she to have the triumph of her Maidenhood and of her Womanhood, as it were both to contend in her and to thrill upon her tongue, and to show out the lilting and pretty warfare of her spirit that did go dancing and dearly naughty in her breast. And surely I went, very lifted in my heart, and astir; for it did be wondrous to me that this lovely Maid did be so utter mine. And to see but the way that she set her feet to the earth, and the way that she did lift them sure and dainty; and the way that her body did be poised, and the way of her head; and the way of her naughtiness and the sweetness and the love that did be wrapt in with all, did make me want that I have her in mine arms. But yet, I not to do this, because that in the same time that she did so stir me to love and admirings, she to set somewhat else in me at variance, so that I did half to feel stern with her, for I perceived that she had that naughtiness then within her, that she did be like to have a real intent of impertinence unto me, so that she should be naughtily outrageous, and to have no heed to my advisings, neither unto my desires, unless that I set my hand upon her, to _make_ her to obey. And truly, you that have had dear maids, shall follow mine explainings; but unto others, I know not whether they shall understand, until they too have been possessed of One that shall set all their heart adrift, even as this One that did be Mine Own. And sudden, I to know that Naani did change from her low singing unto an olden air that had surely not been heard in all that eternity. And in verity, for a little while, I not to know why that it did so shake all my heart; nor what it did be; nor whether that I had truly heard it before, or only to think so. And, surely, it did be as that the silence of the olden moonlit world did steal all about me; and sudden, I to know that the Maid did sing an olden love-song of the olden world, and to go halting a little as she sang, because that the words did steal something odd-wise through the far veils of her memory, even as a song doth come backward out of dreams. And I to feel all my blood to seem to tremble in my veins, and my throat to be troubled, as with vague sobs that did be the ghosts of forgotten tears. And the dim sorrow that had come so swift and strange upon me, to be likewise steeped in golden mists of the love that I once did love; and the glamour to be come all fresh upon me, and I to know in that moment how much we do forget, even when that we do believe that we have all memory and all sorrow within our hearts. And I lookt unto the Maid, something dimly, because of the way that I did be; and I perceived in a moment that Mine Own did weep as she walked; but the less with pain than with the strange anguish of Memory, that doth have in it Tenderness and Sorrow and Love and all that Hath Been and all that Did Never Be, and all to make a Vale unto the Spirit, where doth be both a dim greyness and a warm and everlasting light, and an utter speechlessness, and the low and far music of forgotten songs, that do come downward over the shadowy mountains that do be builded of Years and Forgetfulness, and yet made to be seen with the light of that our Memory, which doth cast so many husht shadows. And surely, as I did say, the Maid did weep as she went; but not to be cast down; but rather that she held her head upwise, as that she did walk in a glory. And the song to come oft-broke, and oddly, and to set her voice to little human quiverings, as her memory did shake her sweet spirit unto tears afresh; and she to walk with her pretty head upheld and as that she did go in a Triumph; and the tears to come down strangely upon her face, and all her soul to be there, pure and wondrous, and in the same time both troubled and glad. And this thing to be very dear and amazing; and she to be as that she not to know then that she sang; but as that she did be lost in her thoughts, as we do say, and this to have come sudden upon her, out of all her upliftedness of spirit, that had been like to make her very open unto all subtile and subtle powers of thought and inward stirrings, as you shall think. And again the song to come full-remembered, and fresh, as that this Eternity did be but the yesterday of that moment. And Mine Own to be all in a sweet madness with those half-dreamed memories, and the wonder and pain of all that no man hath ever said, and that shall be never said; and of the utter lost years, and all that hath been lost, and all forgotten greatness and splendour, and the dreadfulness of parting, and the loveliness of beautiful things that do be hid in the abyss of the years. And it did be sudden to my quickened fancy, that there did be low echoes all about us, of the voices of dear beautiful ones that have died; for so did memory set a strange and lovely mystery about my spirit in that moment, that I did be all shaken so much as Mine Own. And I to be as that I drew my breath anigh to tears, and did be there with Naani amid the quiet spareness of the trees and the rock of that part of the land; but yet did be to see half dimly that I stood within a light, even as the light that doth be the wonder of olden sunsets; and I to be, in the same time, both _that_ man and _this_ man that now doth write; and to have beside my spirit but one maid, that I did lack to know whether I say to her Naani or Mirdath; for though the two that have been Mine Own did be different-seeming to the eye, there to be but the spirit of one maid beside me in that moment. And surely, I did be there, all shaken unto the seeing of visions, as it did seem; so that the Land about me to have grown half as that it did lack that it be real unto my sight, because that I lookt inward unto Lands that did be of Memory. And lo! in a moment this to go; and I to be in that Country of the Seas, and to look newly unto Naani, and she to go as I have told; and there to be the lonesome trees and the rocks in all parts for a great way about. And sudden, as I lookt at Mine Own, she to come round unto me, and she held out her arms, and did gaze at me with such a love, as that she were transfigured, and to need strangely that she | certain | How many times the word 'certain' appears in the text? | 2 |
within the metal of mine head-gear, where the guards did come down at the sides; and she to kiss me very sober upon the lips; but yet to mean utter by that kiss. And I not to return the kiss; for I saw that it did not be her need. Now, in the beginning of the fourth hour, as I did go with the Maid, I to see afar off one of the half-bird monsters, that I did see before upon this place where there did be naught save great stones and boulders for a great way that did be many miles. And truly, I to hide very swift with the Maid, where two great boulders did come together; and surely the bird-creature to go past at no great way, and to go with a great bounding, that did be half of flight and half of leaping, as that it did be too weighty in the body to make to fly proper. And, indeed, I to have a sudden memory how that there did be a picture in some book that I did read in the Mighty Pyramid, where it did show such a bird-thing as this; and to make remark in the book that these things had been seen no more in the Night Land for a score thousand of years, or more; and to be extinct, as we do say. But, indeed, now I do think that they did be come downward to that warm Country, a great while gone, and so to have new life and to breed through a great age, and this way to have set a pattern unto the Humans. And, in verity, it might be that in some age that did be far after that time, the Humans to find some way to journey from the Pyramid, and to build a new Refuge in that deep Country; and mayhap the Humans thiswise to have a new space of life, after that all the Night Land did be dead and lost in the bitter frost of Eternity. But this, indeed, to be no more than an odd thought; for how might any great multitude pass the Monsters; and I to ask that you take it for nothing of fact, but only as of my suppositions; and thiswise to come back again to happenings. Now, when the bird-thing did be gone a long way off, I to go forward again with Mine Own, and to have a new care, and to look very swift and frequent everyway. And, truly, it did be as that the creatures did inhabit that part of the Country; for in an hour after that, I to see a good score. And, I to free the Diskos from my hip, and to have it ready in mine arms beside the Maid; and so to journey. And many times I to have to hide with Mine Own, and to crouch low among the rocks and the boulders; and this way to escape free of all for a great while. Yet, when that the fifth hour did be nigh gone, I heard a noise sudden to my back, as we did go over a clear space. And, in verity, there did be one of the monsters that came upward over certain rocks that were to my rearward; and surely it to have been stayed hid there, or resting, and to have heard us or to have smelled us; but anywise then to have knowledge of us, and to come with low and brutish heavy boundings, very lumbersome, after us. And I lookt everyway in a moment; but there was nowhere any shelter anigh. And the Maid to leap sudden from mine arms, that I be free with the Diskos; and I to look swift to her, and to see that she have her knife ready in her hand, that she might chance to aid me. But surely I might not fight in ease of mind, if that Mine Own did be needless in danger; and I caught her very quick by the waist, and set her upon the ground between my feet. And she to make half to refuse; but I to have no time for explaining, and to be sharp that I have her safe; so that I gave her a little shake that did sudden to make her feel the strength in me; and she then to be instant quiet in my hands, and to let me that I set her upon her face, and to cast the thick cloak above her; and in a moment to be stood over her, and to set down the visor of mine head-gear, lest that the bird-monster strike me in the face. And surely, the bird-thing did be scarce an hundred good paces off; and to make two lumbering and monstrous bounds, and to come at me. Yet, truly, it made sudden a pause, because that the Diskos did roar and send out fire, as I made it to spin; but in an instant the great thing to come in at me upon the left side, and to strike me very hard with the bill, that did be so long as mine arm, and had surely gone through my body, if that I had been naked. And the bill of the monster rang upon mine armour; and it smote me twice thiswise, so that I staggered very sick and shaken. But in a moment, as it made to draw off, that it should come the more hard upon me, I swung the Diskos very sure and quick, and I smote the Bird-thing above the place where the great seeming-leathern wing did join upon the right side, as it should be the shoulder of the Bird-monster. And, in verity, the monster gave out a mighty squarking, and went backward this way and that, and beat all about upon the stones, and did strike with the great bill at the place where it did be hurt. And I heeded that I end it swiftly; and I ran in upon it, and the creature to strike at me with the great bill, very savage. But I jumpt speedy to this side, and again to that, and so in a moment to have chance to come in surely. And truly I split the skull of the Bird-thing, so that it died very quick and was gone from pain. And the Bird-creature lay all spread upon the stones and the rock of that place; and surely it did be as that it were leathern, and made somewise as a bat doth be of this age, in that it did have no feathers. And, truly, it lookt mighty, where it did be spread; and indeed the body to be full so big as the body of a young horse; and the bill to be very deadly and sharp and cumbrous, as you to have guessed. And I to be all and utter thankful that it did be there, dead, in the stead of mine own body. And the thing yet to twitch and stir a little, as the life did go from it. And surely I was back then very speedy to the Maid, and she to be kneeled upward to watch me. And I took her into mine arms, and lookt well about; and made then forward again. And about the middle part of the sixth hour of crossing that rocky land, I saw that we did draw near unto the shallow river, that you shall mind I came over, after that I had done with the olden flying ship. And in all that time, since the Bird-monster to come after us, I had seen but two more, and they a great way off, so that I guessed that I was come beyond that part where they did go very frequent. And I to wade over the river, and to carry Mine Own upon one arm, the while that I did sound my way with the staff of the Diskos; and truly I came across very easy, save that I did have to go around somewhat, where that the river did seem to have a deep place. And when that we had crost the river, it did be full one and twenty hours since that we slumbered, as you shall know, if that you but count a little; for you do mind that we spent a certain time within the tree, as I have told; and this not to have been proper counted into the time of our journeying. And surely, the Maid to have been very quiet, since that I did show my strength a little to her, when that I made her to lie, that she be safe from the bill of the Bird-monster. But she not to be anywise in anger upon me; but only, as I do think, that the woman in her did be something fresh waked unto me; and she to be very content that she be quiet in mine arms. Now the place that we were come to, was much spread with boulders; but yet to have the beginnings again of the forests, as you to remember; for I to have made some small remark of the land in this part, upon mine outward way. And we lookt about for a fire-hole, that I should dry my lower garments; and truly, we had not past many in a great while; but we to be in fortune, that we came soon upon a little fire-hill that did be no more than so high as a man, and to have the rock all hot about; so that this did be a good place to our purpose. And I kist the Maid, and set her down out of mine arms; and when that I had lookt well about, and seen that there did be naught to our sight to give us to fear, the Maid to help me with mine armour; and afterward with my garments, and to ease me all ways that she could think of with helpfulness. And she set the garments of my lower parts to dry, and whilst that they did be drying, she to make ready the water and the tablets, and to have me to sit beside her, in my body-vest and gear, and we to eat and drink very comfortable in the warm hollow that was something anigh to the small fire-hill. Now, truly, I did be very hungry that time, and indeed to be alway so, for the tablets did be very unfilling to the belly, as you do well know from my tellings. And when that I did be finished, I saw that the Maid lookt at me somewise oddways, and sudden she to come into laughter, and askt me whether that I did be very empty; and in the same moment there to be a wondrous dear look within her eyes; so that I perceived that there went a mother-note under her impudence. And she to yearn, as I could know, that she have some way to feed me; but truly there did be no way, for we thought not to make to slay aught for our purpose, and we did be feared that we eat any root or plant, lest that we be ill. And this to seem strange to my spirit of this our age, but to be natural unto that; so that I do think I did be so long bred from the primal obtaining of food, that I did be all lost to that which should seem natural unto the peoples of this early age of the world; though we truly to think that the world doth even now be old; and this to have seemed a true thing unto every age that ever did live. Now, beside that we did lack somewise to think serious that we slay something to eat, in that the tablets did actually suffice to our strength, I to believe that there did be some other reason that I do forget, and mayhap never to have thought plain upon; but which to be set within me as an instinct, as we do say; and this to mean, if that I try to set it in other words, that the tablets did keep the body and the spirit in such condition that the Forces of Evil did have the less power to act upon us. Yet, have I no remembering that I was taught in the preparation that I eat naught, save the tablets; and this mayhap never to have been set upon me; but to have been as a thing that doth never need to have been told; even as you shall not tell a grown man in this Age that he shall refrain from dung, and eat only wholesome matter. And truly, I to hope that I have made this thing somewise clear unto you; for, indeed, it doth be something hard to set out; for every Age hath the subtleties peculiar to that Age; and these to be hard to the understanding of other Ages, but yet to seem plain and utter natural, even without thought, unto the Peoples of the Age. And surely all this to be plain to you, and to be over-plain; for, in verity, I tell to you, and over-tell, until that I should be weary; and mayhap you to be the more so. And, indeed, I not to blame you; but only to hope that your understanding, which doth mean also in general your hearts, doth be with me all along my way. And, indeed, this my tale to be not easy told. And, in verity, I to be back now unto the Maid a-laugh upon me, and in the same moment deeply loving and a-lack that she could not feed me, and I to laugh with her, and to have understanding with her, as you to know; and, indeed, I to have an heart that doth be made someways natural unto understanding; so that even though I be dead when you read this, my tale, you to feel that we be friends, and to know that could I meet with you in pitiful trouble, I to have understanding and love to you, if that you be not utter brutish; and even-so, I to be sorrowful that you should be brutish, and to have understanding, in that I to know that by developement you to become wise unto sweetness and charity, and in love with all dear things, and kind pity of the rest. And thiswise you to be in human sympathy with me, because that you do feel that I be honest with you, and somewise even now to your elbow, as you read. And this to be writ now, and you mayhap not to be born a great while yet; but in the end to read and to have understanding with me, and to know how I did love Mine Own. And so we to go forward again, the closer, in that we do be the more knit in dear human sympathy. And surely the Maid kist me very nice on the lips, and did promise again how that she should make me a great meal when that we did come to our Mighty Home; and, indeed, as she to say, she to join with me, and we both to be naughty gluttons for that once. And, surely, I laughed gently at the Maid, because that she should be so dainty a glutton; but for my part, I to feel that I could eat an horse, as we do say in this Age. And by that we had eat and drunk and talked awhile, and lookt oft about, so that we know that no brutish thing came near, to our hurt, the Maid to tell me that my garments did be dry; and she then to give me aid that I dress very quick; and afterward she to help me with mine armour, the which she did wipe after that we had eat and drunk; and she to have had joy that she do this thing, and all things for me; and to have used a part of her torn garments to this end. And so, truly, I to be clothed and armed very speedy, and to feel eased and the more sure in my mind; for in verity, I was alway in unease, when that I did not be ready that I be able to meet any horrid Brute that should be like to come upon us. Now, when that I did be into mine armour again, the Maid to set the scrip and the pouch upon me, and all the while I scarce to be loosed of the Diskos, as ever. And we then to our way, which did be that we find a place proper to our slumber. And when that we did be gone all-ways, and no cave proper to our sight, we found a great tree, that did be set off alone, and had a plenty of branches; but none that did be near to the bottom-part. And surely, I gave the Maid a lift, and held her up so far as mine arms did go, so that she might stand upon the palms of my hands, and be steady against the trunk of the tree; and she thiswise to have a hold upon a branch, and so to go upward. And, truly, when that she was safe, I loosed one of the straps from the pouch and the scrip, and I cast this up to the Maid, and she set it strong about the branch. And when I had caught the downward end, I went upward very easy; and afterward took loose the strap; and this way we did be something safe, as you shall see. And we climbed upward then, and so came to a part of the tree where the branches did be very thick together; and we made here a place for our slumber, and the Maid set the cloak over the branches that did be so close, and afterward we lay down; but first I set the strap about her waist, and thence to a branch, and she to refuse sleep until that I be likewise; so that we did be both very safe from any fall. And she kist me, and we then to our slumber, and very weary; for it did be two and twenty hours, by this, since that we had sleep. Now we had eight hours in which we slept utter; and we both to awake, as it did seem in the same moment; but truly, I to think that Mine Own did be wakeful before that time; for, indeed, as she put her arms very dainty about my neck, that she kiss me, I did have a quick and sudden knowledge that I had been kist oft in my sleep, and this to have been but a little while gone. And surely, it did seem to me that Mine Own did have a sweet and contented Mischief inward of her eyes; but yet she to be very sedate outward, and to kiss me loving and dear, and then we to our breakfast, upon the cloak. And afterward, I climbed to the topmost branches of the tree, and lookt well over the Country all about; but there was no brutish thing to my sight in any place, neither near nor far. And I came down then to the Maid, and told her how that there was quietness of life all about. And we had our gear together, and went downward to the earth, and I to help Mine Own, and this way she to be safe. Now, as we went forward upon our journeying, I perceived that the Maid had a wayward air; and truly, I thought that she did have her heart all set toward naughtiness and mischief; and in the same moment that I was in this belief, I did know in mine understanding that this did spring from the workings of my nature upon the nature of Mine Own Maiden. And Naani to walk, in the first, beside me, and to have no word for me, because that she did be so filled with the stirrings of her naughtiness, that did be in the same moment very sweet unto me, and yet to waken all that did be masterful within me. And she to be that she did know, and to delight, in her secret heart that she waken that which did be masterful in me; but yet in the same moment to be strong determined that she be not mastered by me. And surely this to seem contrarywise in the words; but to be clear to the heart, if indeed you have ever been loved by a dear maid of an high spirit. And above all this, the Maid did be filled with a love for me, that did beat and dance in all her being; and this in truth to overweigh all; but yet from this same thing her dainty naughtiness to be born, because, as I did say, my manhood to stir all her nature up-wise in sweet trouble that did be half of rebellion, and half that she did ache that she be close unto me in mine arms. And, in verity, you to be with me in all these things, if that you have had the love-days beside a dear and dainty maid, of an high and pure and natural spirit; so that if you be old these days, even but the light merriment of a passing maiden to bring a pain of wonderings and golden memories upon your heart. And presently, I saw that Mine Own put a little space between us, as the naughtiness did work in her, as my heart to know; and she to be offward from me a little. And she still to have no speech with me; but in a little to begin that she sing in a low voice; and to have her pretty body very upright and lithesome, and to go forward with a wondrous dainty swing, so that my heart told me that she did all be stirred with small thrillings of defiance unto me, and with thrillings of love; and she to have the triumph of her Maidenhood and of her Womanhood, as it were both to contend in her and to thrill upon her tongue, and to show out the lilting and pretty warfare of her spirit that did go dancing and dearly naughty in her breast. And surely I went, very lifted in my heart, and astir; for it did be wondrous to me that this lovely Maid did be so utter mine. And to see but the way that she set her feet to the earth, and the way that she did lift them sure and dainty; and the way that her body did be poised, and the way of her head; and the way of her naughtiness and the sweetness and the love that did be wrapt in with all, did make me want that I have her in mine arms. But yet, I not to do this, because that in the same time that she did so stir me to love and admirings, she to set somewhat else in me at variance, so that I did half to feel stern with her, for I perceived that she had that naughtiness then within her, that she did be like to have a real intent of impertinence unto me, so that she should be naughtily outrageous, and to have no heed to my advisings, neither unto my desires, unless that I set my hand upon her, to _make_ her to obey. And truly, you that have had dear maids, shall follow mine explainings; but unto others, I know not whether they shall understand, until they too have been possessed of One that shall set all their heart adrift, even as this One that did be Mine Own. And sudden, I to know that Naani did change from her low singing unto an olden air that had surely not been heard in all that eternity. And in verity, for a little while, I not to know why that it did so shake all my heart; nor what it did be; nor whether that I had truly heard it before, or only to think so. And, surely, it did be as that the silence of the olden moonlit world did steal all about me; and sudden, I to know that the Maid did sing an olden love-song of the olden world, and to go halting a little as she sang, because that the words did steal something odd-wise through the far veils of her memory, even as a song doth come backward out of dreams. And I to feel all my blood to seem to tremble in my veins, and my throat to be troubled, as with vague sobs that did be the ghosts of forgotten tears. And the dim sorrow that had come so swift and strange upon me, to be likewise steeped in golden mists of the love that I once did love; and the glamour to be come all fresh upon me, and I to know in that moment how much we do forget, even when that we do believe that we have all memory and all sorrow within our hearts. And I lookt unto the Maid, something dimly, because of the way that I did be; and I perceived in a moment that Mine Own did weep as she walked; but the less with pain than with the strange anguish of Memory, that doth have in it Tenderness and Sorrow and Love and all that Hath Been and all that Did Never Be, and all to make a Vale unto the Spirit, where doth be both a dim greyness and a warm and everlasting light, and an utter speechlessness, and the low and far music of forgotten songs, that do come downward over the shadowy mountains that do be builded of Years and Forgetfulness, and yet made to be seen with the light of that our Memory, which doth cast so many husht shadows. And surely, as I did say, the Maid did weep as she went; but not to be cast down; but rather that she held her head upwise, as that she did walk in a glory. And the song to come oft-broke, and oddly, and to set her voice to little human quiverings, as her memory did shake her sweet spirit unto tears afresh; and she to walk with her pretty head upheld and as that she did go in a Triumph; and the tears to come down strangely upon her face, and all her soul to be there, pure and wondrous, and in the same time both troubled and glad. And this thing to be very dear and amazing; and she to be as that she not to know then that she sang; but as that she did be lost in her thoughts, as we do say, and this to have come sudden upon her, out of all her upliftedness of spirit, that had been like to make her very open unto all subtile and subtle powers of thought and inward stirrings, as you shall think. And again the song to come full-remembered, and fresh, as that this Eternity did be but the yesterday of that moment. And Mine Own to be all in a sweet madness with those half-dreamed memories, and the wonder and pain of all that no man hath ever said, and that shall be never said; and of the utter lost years, and all that hath been lost, and all forgotten greatness and splendour, and the dreadfulness of parting, and the loveliness of beautiful things that do be hid in the abyss of the years. And it did be sudden to my quickened fancy, that there did be low echoes all about us, of the voices of dear beautiful ones that have died; for so did memory set a strange and lovely mystery about my spirit in that moment, that I did be all shaken so much as Mine Own. And I to be as that I drew my breath anigh to tears, and did be there with Naani amid the quiet spareness of the trees and the rock of that part of the land; but yet did be to see half dimly that I stood within a light, even as the light that doth be the wonder of olden sunsets; and I to be, in the same time, both _that_ man and _this_ man that now doth write; and to have beside my spirit but one maid, that I did lack to know whether I say to her Naani or Mirdath; for though the two that have been Mine Own did be different-seeming to the eye, there to be but the spirit of one maid beside me in that moment. And surely, I did be there, all shaken unto the seeing of visions, as it did seem; so that the Land about me to have grown half as that it did lack that it be real unto my sight, because that I lookt inward unto Lands that did be of Memory. And lo! in a moment this to go; and I to be in that Country of the Seas, and to look newly unto Naani, and she to go as I have told; and there to be the lonesome trees and the rocks in all parts for a great way about. And sudden, as I lookt at Mine Own, she to come round unto me, and she held out her arms, and did gaze at me with such a love, as that she were transfigured, and to need strangely that she | ages | How many times the word 'ages' appears in the text? | 1 |
within the metal of mine head-gear, where the guards did come down at the sides; and she to kiss me very sober upon the lips; but yet to mean utter by that kiss. And I not to return the kiss; for I saw that it did not be her need. Now, in the beginning of the fourth hour, as I did go with the Maid, I to see afar off one of the half-bird monsters, that I did see before upon this place where there did be naught save great stones and boulders for a great way that did be many miles. And truly, I to hide very swift with the Maid, where two great boulders did come together; and surely the bird-creature to go past at no great way, and to go with a great bounding, that did be half of flight and half of leaping, as that it did be too weighty in the body to make to fly proper. And, indeed, I to have a sudden memory how that there did be a picture in some book that I did read in the Mighty Pyramid, where it did show such a bird-thing as this; and to make remark in the book that these things had been seen no more in the Night Land for a score thousand of years, or more; and to be extinct, as we do say. But, indeed, now I do think that they did be come downward to that warm Country, a great while gone, and so to have new life and to breed through a great age, and this way to have set a pattern unto the Humans. And, in verity, it might be that in some age that did be far after that time, the Humans to find some way to journey from the Pyramid, and to build a new Refuge in that deep Country; and mayhap the Humans thiswise to have a new space of life, after that all the Night Land did be dead and lost in the bitter frost of Eternity. But this, indeed, to be no more than an odd thought; for how might any great multitude pass the Monsters; and I to ask that you take it for nothing of fact, but only as of my suppositions; and thiswise to come back again to happenings. Now, when the bird-thing did be gone a long way off, I to go forward again with Mine Own, and to have a new care, and to look very swift and frequent everyway. And, truly, it did be as that the creatures did inhabit that part of the Country; for in an hour after that, I to see a good score. And, I to free the Diskos from my hip, and to have it ready in mine arms beside the Maid; and so to journey. And many times I to have to hide with Mine Own, and to crouch low among the rocks and the boulders; and this way to escape free of all for a great while. Yet, when that the fifth hour did be nigh gone, I heard a noise sudden to my back, as we did go over a clear space. And, in verity, there did be one of the monsters that came upward over certain rocks that were to my rearward; and surely it to have been stayed hid there, or resting, and to have heard us or to have smelled us; but anywise then to have knowledge of us, and to come with low and brutish heavy boundings, very lumbersome, after us. And I lookt everyway in a moment; but there was nowhere any shelter anigh. And the Maid to leap sudden from mine arms, that I be free with the Diskos; and I to look swift to her, and to see that she have her knife ready in her hand, that she might chance to aid me. But surely I might not fight in ease of mind, if that Mine Own did be needless in danger; and I caught her very quick by the waist, and set her upon the ground between my feet. And she to make half to refuse; but I to have no time for explaining, and to be sharp that I have her safe; so that I gave her a little shake that did sudden to make her feel the strength in me; and she then to be instant quiet in my hands, and to let me that I set her upon her face, and to cast the thick cloak above her; and in a moment to be stood over her, and to set down the visor of mine head-gear, lest that the bird-monster strike me in the face. And surely, the bird-thing did be scarce an hundred good paces off; and to make two lumbering and monstrous bounds, and to come at me. Yet, truly, it made sudden a pause, because that the Diskos did roar and send out fire, as I made it to spin; but in an instant the great thing to come in at me upon the left side, and to strike me very hard with the bill, that did be so long as mine arm, and had surely gone through my body, if that I had been naked. And the bill of the monster rang upon mine armour; and it smote me twice thiswise, so that I staggered very sick and shaken. But in a moment, as it made to draw off, that it should come the more hard upon me, I swung the Diskos very sure and quick, and I smote the Bird-thing above the place where the great seeming-leathern wing did join upon the right side, as it should be the shoulder of the Bird-monster. And, in verity, the monster gave out a mighty squarking, and went backward this way and that, and beat all about upon the stones, and did strike with the great bill at the place where it did be hurt. And I heeded that I end it swiftly; and I ran in upon it, and the creature to strike at me with the great bill, very savage. But I jumpt speedy to this side, and again to that, and so in a moment to have chance to come in surely. And truly I split the skull of the Bird-thing, so that it died very quick and was gone from pain. And the Bird-creature lay all spread upon the stones and the rock of that place; and surely it did be as that it were leathern, and made somewise as a bat doth be of this age, in that it did have no feathers. And, truly, it lookt mighty, where it did be spread; and indeed the body to be full so big as the body of a young horse; and the bill to be very deadly and sharp and cumbrous, as you to have guessed. And I to be all and utter thankful that it did be there, dead, in the stead of mine own body. And the thing yet to twitch and stir a little, as the life did go from it. And surely I was back then very speedy to the Maid, and she to be kneeled upward to watch me. And I took her into mine arms, and lookt well about; and made then forward again. And about the middle part of the sixth hour of crossing that rocky land, I saw that we did draw near unto the shallow river, that you shall mind I came over, after that I had done with the olden flying ship. And in all that time, since the Bird-monster to come after us, I had seen but two more, and they a great way off, so that I guessed that I was come beyond that part where they did go very frequent. And I to wade over the river, and to carry Mine Own upon one arm, the while that I did sound my way with the staff of the Diskos; and truly I came across very easy, save that I did have to go around somewhat, where that the river did seem to have a deep place. And when that we had crost the river, it did be full one and twenty hours since that we slumbered, as you shall know, if that you but count a little; for you do mind that we spent a certain time within the tree, as I have told; and this not to have been proper counted into the time of our journeying. And surely, the Maid to have been very quiet, since that I did show my strength a little to her, when that I made her to lie, that she be safe from the bill of the Bird-monster. But she not to be anywise in anger upon me; but only, as I do think, that the woman in her did be something fresh waked unto me; and she to be very content that she be quiet in mine arms. Now the place that we were come to, was much spread with boulders; but yet to have the beginnings again of the forests, as you to remember; for I to have made some small remark of the land in this part, upon mine outward way. And we lookt about for a fire-hole, that I should dry my lower garments; and truly, we had not past many in a great while; but we to be in fortune, that we came soon upon a little fire-hill that did be no more than so high as a man, and to have the rock all hot about; so that this did be a good place to our purpose. And I kist the Maid, and set her down out of mine arms; and when that I had lookt well about, and seen that there did be naught to our sight to give us to fear, the Maid to help me with mine armour; and afterward with my garments, and to ease me all ways that she could think of with helpfulness. And she set the garments of my lower parts to dry, and whilst that they did be drying, she to make ready the water and the tablets, and to have me to sit beside her, in my body-vest and gear, and we to eat and drink very comfortable in the warm hollow that was something anigh to the small fire-hill. Now, truly, I did be very hungry that time, and indeed to be alway so, for the tablets did be very unfilling to the belly, as you do well know from my tellings. And when that I did be finished, I saw that the Maid lookt at me somewise oddways, and sudden she to come into laughter, and askt me whether that I did be very empty; and in the same moment there to be a wondrous dear look within her eyes; so that I perceived that there went a mother-note under her impudence. And she to yearn, as I could know, that she have some way to feed me; but truly there did be no way, for we thought not to make to slay aught for our purpose, and we did be feared that we eat any root or plant, lest that we be ill. And this to seem strange to my spirit of this our age, but to be natural unto that; so that I do think I did be so long bred from the primal obtaining of food, that I did be all lost to that which should seem natural unto the peoples of this early age of the world; though we truly to think that the world doth even now be old; and this to have seemed a true thing unto every age that ever did live. Now, beside that we did lack somewise to think serious that we slay something to eat, in that the tablets did actually suffice to our strength, I to believe that there did be some other reason that I do forget, and mayhap never to have thought plain upon; but which to be set within me as an instinct, as we do say; and this to mean, if that I try to set it in other words, that the tablets did keep the body and the spirit in such condition that the Forces of Evil did have the less power to act upon us. Yet, have I no remembering that I was taught in the preparation that I eat naught, save the tablets; and this mayhap never to have been set upon me; but to have been as a thing that doth never need to have been told; even as you shall not tell a grown man in this Age that he shall refrain from dung, and eat only wholesome matter. And truly, I to hope that I have made this thing somewise clear unto you; for, indeed, it doth be something hard to set out; for every Age hath the subtleties peculiar to that Age; and these to be hard to the understanding of other Ages, but yet to seem plain and utter natural, even without thought, unto the Peoples of the Age. And surely all this to be plain to you, and to be over-plain; for, in verity, I tell to you, and over-tell, until that I should be weary; and mayhap you to be the more so. And, indeed, I not to blame you; but only to hope that your understanding, which doth mean also in general your hearts, doth be with me all along my way. And, indeed, this my tale to be not easy told. And, in verity, I to be back now unto the Maid a-laugh upon me, and in the same moment deeply loving and a-lack that she could not feed me, and I to laugh with her, and to have understanding with her, as you to know; and, indeed, I to have an heart that doth be made someways natural unto understanding; so that even though I be dead when you read this, my tale, you to feel that we be friends, and to know that could I meet with you in pitiful trouble, I to have understanding and love to you, if that you be not utter brutish; and even-so, I to be sorrowful that you should be brutish, and to have understanding, in that I to know that by developement you to become wise unto sweetness and charity, and in love with all dear things, and kind pity of the rest. And thiswise you to be in human sympathy with me, because that you do feel that I be honest with you, and somewise even now to your elbow, as you read. And this to be writ now, and you mayhap not to be born a great while yet; but in the end to read and to have understanding with me, and to know how I did love Mine Own. And so we to go forward again, the closer, in that we do be the more knit in dear human sympathy. And surely the Maid kist me very nice on the lips, and did promise again how that she should make me a great meal when that we did come to our Mighty Home; and, indeed, as she to say, she to join with me, and we both to be naughty gluttons for that once. And, surely, I laughed gently at the Maid, because that she should be so dainty a glutton; but for my part, I to feel that I could eat an horse, as we do say in this Age. And by that we had eat and drunk and talked awhile, and lookt oft about, so that we know that no brutish thing came near, to our hurt, the Maid to tell me that my garments did be dry; and she then to give me aid that I dress very quick; and afterward she to help me with mine armour, the which she did wipe after that we had eat and drunk; and she to have had joy that she do this thing, and all things for me; and to have used a part of her torn garments to this end. And so, truly, I to be clothed and armed very speedy, and to feel eased and the more sure in my mind; for in verity, I was alway in unease, when that I did not be ready that I be able to meet any horrid Brute that should be like to come upon us. Now, when that I did be into mine armour again, the Maid to set the scrip and the pouch upon me, and all the while I scarce to be loosed of the Diskos, as ever. And we then to our way, which did be that we find a place proper to our slumber. And when that we did be gone all-ways, and no cave proper to our sight, we found a great tree, that did be set off alone, and had a plenty of branches; but none that did be near to the bottom-part. And surely, I gave the Maid a lift, and held her up so far as mine arms did go, so that she might stand upon the palms of my hands, and be steady against the trunk of the tree; and she thiswise to have a hold upon a branch, and so to go upward. And, truly, when that she was safe, I loosed one of the straps from the pouch and the scrip, and I cast this up to the Maid, and she set it strong about the branch. And when I had caught the downward end, I went upward very easy; and afterward took loose the strap; and this way we did be something safe, as you shall see. And we climbed upward then, and so came to a part of the tree where the branches did be very thick together; and we made here a place for our slumber, and the Maid set the cloak over the branches that did be so close, and afterward we lay down; but first I set the strap about her waist, and thence to a branch, and she to refuse sleep until that I be likewise; so that we did be both very safe from any fall. And she kist me, and we then to our slumber, and very weary; for it did be two and twenty hours, by this, since that we had sleep. Now we had eight hours in which we slept utter; and we both to awake, as it did seem in the same moment; but truly, I to think that Mine Own did be wakeful before that time; for, indeed, as she put her arms very dainty about my neck, that she kiss me, I did have a quick and sudden knowledge that I had been kist oft in my sleep, and this to have been but a little while gone. And surely, it did seem to me that Mine Own did have a sweet and contented Mischief inward of her eyes; but yet she to be very sedate outward, and to kiss me loving and dear, and then we to our breakfast, upon the cloak. And afterward, I climbed to the topmost branches of the tree, and lookt well over the Country all about; but there was no brutish thing to my sight in any place, neither near nor far. And I came down then to the Maid, and told her how that there was quietness of life all about. And we had our gear together, and went downward to the earth, and I to help Mine Own, and this way she to be safe. Now, as we went forward upon our journeying, I perceived that the Maid had a wayward air; and truly, I thought that she did have her heart all set toward naughtiness and mischief; and in the same moment that I was in this belief, I did know in mine understanding that this did spring from the workings of my nature upon the nature of Mine Own Maiden. And Naani to walk, in the first, beside me, and to have no word for me, because that she did be so filled with the stirrings of her naughtiness, that did be in the same moment very sweet unto me, and yet to waken all that did be masterful within me. And she to be that she did know, and to delight, in her secret heart that she waken that which did be masterful in me; but yet in the same moment to be strong determined that she be not mastered by me. And surely this to seem contrarywise in the words; but to be clear to the heart, if indeed you have ever been loved by a dear maid of an high spirit. And above all this, the Maid did be filled with a love for me, that did beat and dance in all her being; and this in truth to overweigh all; but yet from this same thing her dainty naughtiness to be born, because, as I did say, my manhood to stir all her nature up-wise in sweet trouble that did be half of rebellion, and half that she did ache that she be close unto me in mine arms. And, in verity, you to be with me in all these things, if that you have had the love-days beside a dear and dainty maid, of an high and pure and natural spirit; so that if you be old these days, even but the light merriment of a passing maiden to bring a pain of wonderings and golden memories upon your heart. And presently, I saw that Mine Own put a little space between us, as the naughtiness did work in her, as my heart to know; and she to be offward from me a little. And she still to have no speech with me; but in a little to begin that she sing in a low voice; and to have her pretty body very upright and lithesome, and to go forward with a wondrous dainty swing, so that my heart told me that she did all be stirred with small thrillings of defiance unto me, and with thrillings of love; and she to have the triumph of her Maidenhood and of her Womanhood, as it were both to contend in her and to thrill upon her tongue, and to show out the lilting and pretty warfare of her spirit that did go dancing and dearly naughty in her breast. And surely I went, very lifted in my heart, and astir; for it did be wondrous to me that this lovely Maid did be so utter mine. And to see but the way that she set her feet to the earth, and the way that she did lift them sure and dainty; and the way that her body did be poised, and the way of her head; and the way of her naughtiness and the sweetness and the love that did be wrapt in with all, did make me want that I have her in mine arms. But yet, I not to do this, because that in the same time that she did so stir me to love and admirings, she to set somewhat else in me at variance, so that I did half to feel stern with her, for I perceived that she had that naughtiness then within her, that she did be like to have a real intent of impertinence unto me, so that she should be naughtily outrageous, and to have no heed to my advisings, neither unto my desires, unless that I set my hand upon her, to _make_ her to obey. And truly, you that have had dear maids, shall follow mine explainings; but unto others, I know not whether they shall understand, until they too have been possessed of One that shall set all their heart adrift, even as this One that did be Mine Own. And sudden, I to know that Naani did change from her low singing unto an olden air that had surely not been heard in all that eternity. And in verity, for a little while, I not to know why that it did so shake all my heart; nor what it did be; nor whether that I had truly heard it before, or only to think so. And, surely, it did be as that the silence of the olden moonlit world did steal all about me; and sudden, I to know that the Maid did sing an olden love-song of the olden world, and to go halting a little as she sang, because that the words did steal something odd-wise through the far veils of her memory, even as a song doth come backward out of dreams. And I to feel all my blood to seem to tremble in my veins, and my throat to be troubled, as with vague sobs that did be the ghosts of forgotten tears. And the dim sorrow that had come so swift and strange upon me, to be likewise steeped in golden mists of the love that I once did love; and the glamour to be come all fresh upon me, and I to know in that moment how much we do forget, even when that we do believe that we have all memory and all sorrow within our hearts. And I lookt unto the Maid, something dimly, because of the way that I did be; and I perceived in a moment that Mine Own did weep as she walked; but the less with pain than with the strange anguish of Memory, that doth have in it Tenderness and Sorrow and Love and all that Hath Been and all that Did Never Be, and all to make a Vale unto the Spirit, where doth be both a dim greyness and a warm and everlasting light, and an utter speechlessness, and the low and far music of forgotten songs, that do come downward over the shadowy mountains that do be builded of Years and Forgetfulness, and yet made to be seen with the light of that our Memory, which doth cast so many husht shadows. And surely, as I did say, the Maid did weep as she went; but not to be cast down; but rather that she held her head upwise, as that she did walk in a glory. And the song to come oft-broke, and oddly, and to set her voice to little human quiverings, as her memory did shake her sweet spirit unto tears afresh; and she to walk with her pretty head upheld and as that she did go in a Triumph; and the tears to come down strangely upon her face, and all her soul to be there, pure and wondrous, and in the same time both troubled and glad. And this thing to be very dear and amazing; and she to be as that she not to know then that she sang; but as that she did be lost in her thoughts, as we do say, and this to have come sudden upon her, out of all her upliftedness of spirit, that had been like to make her very open unto all subtile and subtle powers of thought and inward stirrings, as you shall think. And again the song to come full-remembered, and fresh, as that this Eternity did be but the yesterday of that moment. And Mine Own to be all in a sweet madness with those half-dreamed memories, and the wonder and pain of all that no man hath ever said, and that shall be never said; and of the utter lost years, and all that hath been lost, and all forgotten greatness and splendour, and the dreadfulness of parting, and the loveliness of beautiful things that do be hid in the abyss of the years. And it did be sudden to my quickened fancy, that there did be low echoes all about us, of the voices of dear beautiful ones that have died; for so did memory set a strange and lovely mystery about my spirit in that moment, that I did be all shaken so much as Mine Own. And I to be as that I drew my breath anigh to tears, and did be there with Naani amid the quiet spareness of the trees and the rock of that part of the land; but yet did be to see half dimly that I stood within a light, even as the light that doth be the wonder of olden sunsets; and I to be, in the same time, both _that_ man and _this_ man that now doth write; and to have beside my spirit but one maid, that I did lack to know whether I say to her Naani or Mirdath; for though the two that have been Mine Own did be different-seeming to the eye, there to be but the spirit of one maid beside me in that moment. And surely, I did be there, all shaken unto the seeing of visions, as it did seem; so that the Land about me to have grown half as that it did lack that it be real unto my sight, because that I lookt inward unto Lands that did be of Memory. And lo! in a moment this to go; and I to be in that Country of the Seas, and to look newly unto Naani, and she to go as I have told; and there to be the lonesome trees and the rocks in all parts for a great way about. And sudden, as I lookt at Mine Own, she to come round unto me, and she held out her arms, and did gaze at me with such a love, as that she were transfigured, and to need strangely that she | climbed | How many times the word 'climbed' appears in the text? | 2 |
within the metal of mine head-gear, where the guards did come down at the sides; and she to kiss me very sober upon the lips; but yet to mean utter by that kiss. And I not to return the kiss; for I saw that it did not be her need. Now, in the beginning of the fourth hour, as I did go with the Maid, I to see afar off one of the half-bird monsters, that I did see before upon this place where there did be naught save great stones and boulders for a great way that did be many miles. And truly, I to hide very swift with the Maid, where two great boulders did come together; and surely the bird-creature to go past at no great way, and to go with a great bounding, that did be half of flight and half of leaping, as that it did be too weighty in the body to make to fly proper. And, indeed, I to have a sudden memory how that there did be a picture in some book that I did read in the Mighty Pyramid, where it did show such a bird-thing as this; and to make remark in the book that these things had been seen no more in the Night Land for a score thousand of years, or more; and to be extinct, as we do say. But, indeed, now I do think that they did be come downward to that warm Country, a great while gone, and so to have new life and to breed through a great age, and this way to have set a pattern unto the Humans. And, in verity, it might be that in some age that did be far after that time, the Humans to find some way to journey from the Pyramid, and to build a new Refuge in that deep Country; and mayhap the Humans thiswise to have a new space of life, after that all the Night Land did be dead and lost in the bitter frost of Eternity. But this, indeed, to be no more than an odd thought; for how might any great multitude pass the Monsters; and I to ask that you take it for nothing of fact, but only as of my suppositions; and thiswise to come back again to happenings. Now, when the bird-thing did be gone a long way off, I to go forward again with Mine Own, and to have a new care, and to look very swift and frequent everyway. And, truly, it did be as that the creatures did inhabit that part of the Country; for in an hour after that, I to see a good score. And, I to free the Diskos from my hip, and to have it ready in mine arms beside the Maid; and so to journey. And many times I to have to hide with Mine Own, and to crouch low among the rocks and the boulders; and this way to escape free of all for a great while. Yet, when that the fifth hour did be nigh gone, I heard a noise sudden to my back, as we did go over a clear space. And, in verity, there did be one of the monsters that came upward over certain rocks that were to my rearward; and surely it to have been stayed hid there, or resting, and to have heard us or to have smelled us; but anywise then to have knowledge of us, and to come with low and brutish heavy boundings, very lumbersome, after us. And I lookt everyway in a moment; but there was nowhere any shelter anigh. And the Maid to leap sudden from mine arms, that I be free with the Diskos; and I to look swift to her, and to see that she have her knife ready in her hand, that she might chance to aid me. But surely I might not fight in ease of mind, if that Mine Own did be needless in danger; and I caught her very quick by the waist, and set her upon the ground between my feet. And she to make half to refuse; but I to have no time for explaining, and to be sharp that I have her safe; so that I gave her a little shake that did sudden to make her feel the strength in me; and she then to be instant quiet in my hands, and to let me that I set her upon her face, and to cast the thick cloak above her; and in a moment to be stood over her, and to set down the visor of mine head-gear, lest that the bird-monster strike me in the face. And surely, the bird-thing did be scarce an hundred good paces off; and to make two lumbering and monstrous bounds, and to come at me. Yet, truly, it made sudden a pause, because that the Diskos did roar and send out fire, as I made it to spin; but in an instant the great thing to come in at me upon the left side, and to strike me very hard with the bill, that did be so long as mine arm, and had surely gone through my body, if that I had been naked. And the bill of the monster rang upon mine armour; and it smote me twice thiswise, so that I staggered very sick and shaken. But in a moment, as it made to draw off, that it should come the more hard upon me, I swung the Diskos very sure and quick, and I smote the Bird-thing above the place where the great seeming-leathern wing did join upon the right side, as it should be the shoulder of the Bird-monster. And, in verity, the monster gave out a mighty squarking, and went backward this way and that, and beat all about upon the stones, and did strike with the great bill at the place where it did be hurt. And I heeded that I end it swiftly; and I ran in upon it, and the creature to strike at me with the great bill, very savage. But I jumpt speedy to this side, and again to that, and so in a moment to have chance to come in surely. And truly I split the skull of the Bird-thing, so that it died very quick and was gone from pain. And the Bird-creature lay all spread upon the stones and the rock of that place; and surely it did be as that it were leathern, and made somewise as a bat doth be of this age, in that it did have no feathers. And, truly, it lookt mighty, where it did be spread; and indeed the body to be full so big as the body of a young horse; and the bill to be very deadly and sharp and cumbrous, as you to have guessed. And I to be all and utter thankful that it did be there, dead, in the stead of mine own body. And the thing yet to twitch and stir a little, as the life did go from it. And surely I was back then very speedy to the Maid, and she to be kneeled upward to watch me. And I took her into mine arms, and lookt well about; and made then forward again. And about the middle part of the sixth hour of crossing that rocky land, I saw that we did draw near unto the shallow river, that you shall mind I came over, after that I had done with the olden flying ship. And in all that time, since the Bird-monster to come after us, I had seen but two more, and they a great way off, so that I guessed that I was come beyond that part where they did go very frequent. And I to wade over the river, and to carry Mine Own upon one arm, the while that I did sound my way with the staff of the Diskos; and truly I came across very easy, save that I did have to go around somewhat, where that the river did seem to have a deep place. And when that we had crost the river, it did be full one and twenty hours since that we slumbered, as you shall know, if that you but count a little; for you do mind that we spent a certain time within the tree, as I have told; and this not to have been proper counted into the time of our journeying. And surely, the Maid to have been very quiet, since that I did show my strength a little to her, when that I made her to lie, that she be safe from the bill of the Bird-monster. But she not to be anywise in anger upon me; but only, as I do think, that the woman in her did be something fresh waked unto me; and she to be very content that she be quiet in mine arms. Now the place that we were come to, was much spread with boulders; but yet to have the beginnings again of the forests, as you to remember; for I to have made some small remark of the land in this part, upon mine outward way. And we lookt about for a fire-hole, that I should dry my lower garments; and truly, we had not past many in a great while; but we to be in fortune, that we came soon upon a little fire-hill that did be no more than so high as a man, and to have the rock all hot about; so that this did be a good place to our purpose. And I kist the Maid, and set her down out of mine arms; and when that I had lookt well about, and seen that there did be naught to our sight to give us to fear, the Maid to help me with mine armour; and afterward with my garments, and to ease me all ways that she could think of with helpfulness. And she set the garments of my lower parts to dry, and whilst that they did be drying, she to make ready the water and the tablets, and to have me to sit beside her, in my body-vest and gear, and we to eat and drink very comfortable in the warm hollow that was something anigh to the small fire-hill. Now, truly, I did be very hungry that time, and indeed to be alway so, for the tablets did be very unfilling to the belly, as you do well know from my tellings. And when that I did be finished, I saw that the Maid lookt at me somewise oddways, and sudden she to come into laughter, and askt me whether that I did be very empty; and in the same moment there to be a wondrous dear look within her eyes; so that I perceived that there went a mother-note under her impudence. And she to yearn, as I could know, that she have some way to feed me; but truly there did be no way, for we thought not to make to slay aught for our purpose, and we did be feared that we eat any root or plant, lest that we be ill. And this to seem strange to my spirit of this our age, but to be natural unto that; so that I do think I did be so long bred from the primal obtaining of food, that I did be all lost to that which should seem natural unto the peoples of this early age of the world; though we truly to think that the world doth even now be old; and this to have seemed a true thing unto every age that ever did live. Now, beside that we did lack somewise to think serious that we slay something to eat, in that the tablets did actually suffice to our strength, I to believe that there did be some other reason that I do forget, and mayhap never to have thought plain upon; but which to be set within me as an instinct, as we do say; and this to mean, if that I try to set it in other words, that the tablets did keep the body and the spirit in such condition that the Forces of Evil did have the less power to act upon us. Yet, have I no remembering that I was taught in the preparation that I eat naught, save the tablets; and this mayhap never to have been set upon me; but to have been as a thing that doth never need to have been told; even as you shall not tell a grown man in this Age that he shall refrain from dung, and eat only wholesome matter. And truly, I to hope that I have made this thing somewise clear unto you; for, indeed, it doth be something hard to set out; for every Age hath the subtleties peculiar to that Age; and these to be hard to the understanding of other Ages, but yet to seem plain and utter natural, even without thought, unto the Peoples of the Age. And surely all this to be plain to you, and to be over-plain; for, in verity, I tell to you, and over-tell, until that I should be weary; and mayhap you to be the more so. And, indeed, I not to blame you; but only to hope that your understanding, which doth mean also in general your hearts, doth be with me all along my way. And, indeed, this my tale to be not easy told. And, in verity, I to be back now unto the Maid a-laugh upon me, and in the same moment deeply loving and a-lack that she could not feed me, and I to laugh with her, and to have understanding with her, as you to know; and, indeed, I to have an heart that doth be made someways natural unto understanding; so that even though I be dead when you read this, my tale, you to feel that we be friends, and to know that could I meet with you in pitiful trouble, I to have understanding and love to you, if that you be not utter brutish; and even-so, I to be sorrowful that you should be brutish, and to have understanding, in that I to know that by developement you to become wise unto sweetness and charity, and in love with all dear things, and kind pity of the rest. And thiswise you to be in human sympathy with me, because that you do feel that I be honest with you, and somewise even now to your elbow, as you read. And this to be writ now, and you mayhap not to be born a great while yet; but in the end to read and to have understanding with me, and to know how I did love Mine Own. And so we to go forward again, the closer, in that we do be the more knit in dear human sympathy. And surely the Maid kist me very nice on the lips, and did promise again how that she should make me a great meal when that we did come to our Mighty Home; and, indeed, as she to say, she to join with me, and we both to be naughty gluttons for that once. And, surely, I laughed gently at the Maid, because that she should be so dainty a glutton; but for my part, I to feel that I could eat an horse, as we do say in this Age. And by that we had eat and drunk and talked awhile, and lookt oft about, so that we know that no brutish thing came near, to our hurt, the Maid to tell me that my garments did be dry; and she then to give me aid that I dress very quick; and afterward she to help me with mine armour, the which she did wipe after that we had eat and drunk; and she to have had joy that she do this thing, and all things for me; and to have used a part of her torn garments to this end. And so, truly, I to be clothed and armed very speedy, and to feel eased and the more sure in my mind; for in verity, I was alway in unease, when that I did not be ready that I be able to meet any horrid Brute that should be like to come upon us. Now, when that I did be into mine armour again, the Maid to set the scrip and the pouch upon me, and all the while I scarce to be loosed of the Diskos, as ever. And we then to our way, which did be that we find a place proper to our slumber. And when that we did be gone all-ways, and no cave proper to our sight, we found a great tree, that did be set off alone, and had a plenty of branches; but none that did be near to the bottom-part. And surely, I gave the Maid a lift, and held her up so far as mine arms did go, so that she might stand upon the palms of my hands, and be steady against the trunk of the tree; and she thiswise to have a hold upon a branch, and so to go upward. And, truly, when that she was safe, I loosed one of the straps from the pouch and the scrip, and I cast this up to the Maid, and she set it strong about the branch. And when I had caught the downward end, I went upward very easy; and afterward took loose the strap; and this way we did be something safe, as you shall see. And we climbed upward then, and so came to a part of the tree where the branches did be very thick together; and we made here a place for our slumber, and the Maid set the cloak over the branches that did be so close, and afterward we lay down; but first I set the strap about her waist, and thence to a branch, and she to refuse sleep until that I be likewise; so that we did be both very safe from any fall. And she kist me, and we then to our slumber, and very weary; for it did be two and twenty hours, by this, since that we had sleep. Now we had eight hours in which we slept utter; and we both to awake, as it did seem in the same moment; but truly, I to think that Mine Own did be wakeful before that time; for, indeed, as she put her arms very dainty about my neck, that she kiss me, I did have a quick and sudden knowledge that I had been kist oft in my sleep, and this to have been but a little while gone. And surely, it did seem to me that Mine Own did have a sweet and contented Mischief inward of her eyes; but yet she to be very sedate outward, and to kiss me loving and dear, and then we to our breakfast, upon the cloak. And afterward, I climbed to the topmost branches of the tree, and lookt well over the Country all about; but there was no brutish thing to my sight in any place, neither near nor far. And I came down then to the Maid, and told her how that there was quietness of life all about. And we had our gear together, and went downward to the earth, and I to help Mine Own, and this way she to be safe. Now, as we went forward upon our journeying, I perceived that the Maid had a wayward air; and truly, I thought that she did have her heart all set toward naughtiness and mischief; and in the same moment that I was in this belief, I did know in mine understanding that this did spring from the workings of my nature upon the nature of Mine Own Maiden. And Naani to walk, in the first, beside me, and to have no word for me, because that she did be so filled with the stirrings of her naughtiness, that did be in the same moment very sweet unto me, and yet to waken all that did be masterful within me. And she to be that she did know, and to delight, in her secret heart that she waken that which did be masterful in me; but yet in the same moment to be strong determined that she be not mastered by me. And surely this to seem contrarywise in the words; but to be clear to the heart, if indeed you have ever been loved by a dear maid of an high spirit. And above all this, the Maid did be filled with a love for me, that did beat and dance in all her being; and this in truth to overweigh all; but yet from this same thing her dainty naughtiness to be born, because, as I did say, my manhood to stir all her nature up-wise in sweet trouble that did be half of rebellion, and half that she did ache that she be close unto me in mine arms. And, in verity, you to be with me in all these things, if that you have had the love-days beside a dear and dainty maid, of an high and pure and natural spirit; so that if you be old these days, even but the light merriment of a passing maiden to bring a pain of wonderings and golden memories upon your heart. And presently, I saw that Mine Own put a little space between us, as the naughtiness did work in her, as my heart to know; and she to be offward from me a little. And she still to have no speech with me; but in a little to begin that she sing in a low voice; and to have her pretty body very upright and lithesome, and to go forward with a wondrous dainty swing, so that my heart told me that she did all be stirred with small thrillings of defiance unto me, and with thrillings of love; and she to have the triumph of her Maidenhood and of her Womanhood, as it were both to contend in her and to thrill upon her tongue, and to show out the lilting and pretty warfare of her spirit that did go dancing and dearly naughty in her breast. And surely I went, very lifted in my heart, and astir; for it did be wondrous to me that this lovely Maid did be so utter mine. And to see but the way that she set her feet to the earth, and the way that she did lift them sure and dainty; and the way that her body did be poised, and the way of her head; and the way of her naughtiness and the sweetness and the love that did be wrapt in with all, did make me want that I have her in mine arms. But yet, I not to do this, because that in the same time that she did so stir me to love and admirings, she to set somewhat else in me at variance, so that I did half to feel stern with her, for I perceived that she had that naughtiness then within her, that she did be like to have a real intent of impertinence unto me, so that she should be naughtily outrageous, and to have no heed to my advisings, neither unto my desires, unless that I set my hand upon her, to _make_ her to obey. And truly, you that have had dear maids, shall follow mine explainings; but unto others, I know not whether they shall understand, until they too have been possessed of One that shall set all their heart adrift, even as this One that did be Mine Own. And sudden, I to know that Naani did change from her low singing unto an olden air that had surely not been heard in all that eternity. And in verity, for a little while, I not to know why that it did so shake all my heart; nor what it did be; nor whether that I had truly heard it before, or only to think so. And, surely, it did be as that the silence of the olden moonlit world did steal all about me; and sudden, I to know that the Maid did sing an olden love-song of the olden world, and to go halting a little as she sang, because that the words did steal something odd-wise through the far veils of her memory, even as a song doth come backward out of dreams. And I to feel all my blood to seem to tremble in my veins, and my throat to be troubled, as with vague sobs that did be the ghosts of forgotten tears. And the dim sorrow that had come so swift and strange upon me, to be likewise steeped in golden mists of the love that I once did love; and the glamour to be come all fresh upon me, and I to know in that moment how much we do forget, even when that we do believe that we have all memory and all sorrow within our hearts. And I lookt unto the Maid, something dimly, because of the way that I did be; and I perceived in a moment that Mine Own did weep as she walked; but the less with pain than with the strange anguish of Memory, that doth have in it Tenderness and Sorrow and Love and all that Hath Been and all that Did Never Be, and all to make a Vale unto the Spirit, where doth be both a dim greyness and a warm and everlasting light, and an utter speechlessness, and the low and far music of forgotten songs, that do come downward over the shadowy mountains that do be builded of Years and Forgetfulness, and yet made to be seen with the light of that our Memory, which doth cast so many husht shadows. And surely, as I did say, the Maid did weep as she went; but not to be cast down; but rather that she held her head upwise, as that she did walk in a glory. And the song to come oft-broke, and oddly, and to set her voice to little human quiverings, as her memory did shake her sweet spirit unto tears afresh; and she to walk with her pretty head upheld and as that she did go in a Triumph; and the tears to come down strangely upon her face, and all her soul to be there, pure and wondrous, and in the same time both troubled and glad. And this thing to be very dear and amazing; and she to be as that she not to know then that she sang; but as that she did be lost in her thoughts, as we do say, and this to have come sudden upon her, out of all her upliftedness of spirit, that had been like to make her very open unto all subtile and subtle powers of thought and inward stirrings, as you shall think. And again the song to come full-remembered, and fresh, as that this Eternity did be but the yesterday of that moment. And Mine Own to be all in a sweet madness with those half-dreamed memories, and the wonder and pain of all that no man hath ever said, and that shall be never said; and of the utter lost years, and all that hath been lost, and all forgotten greatness and splendour, and the dreadfulness of parting, and the loveliness of beautiful things that do be hid in the abyss of the years. And it did be sudden to my quickened fancy, that there did be low echoes all about us, of the voices of dear beautiful ones that have died; for so did memory set a strange and lovely mystery about my spirit in that moment, that I did be all shaken so much as Mine Own. And I to be as that I drew my breath anigh to tears, and did be there with Naani amid the quiet spareness of the trees and the rock of that part of the land; but yet did be to see half dimly that I stood within a light, even as the light that doth be the wonder of olden sunsets; and I to be, in the same time, both _that_ man and _this_ man that now doth write; and to have beside my spirit but one maid, that I did lack to know whether I say to her Naani or Mirdath; for though the two that have been Mine Own did be different-seeming to the eye, there to be but the spirit of one maid beside me in that moment. And surely, I did be there, all shaken unto the seeing of visions, as it did seem; so that the Land about me to have grown half as that it did lack that it be real unto my sight, because that I lookt inward unto Lands that did be of Memory. And lo! in a moment this to go; and I to be in that Country of the Seas, and to look newly unto Naani, and she to go as I have told; and there to be the lonesome trees and the rocks in all parts for a great way about. And sudden, as I lookt at Mine Own, she to come round unto me, and she held out her arms, and did gaze at me with such a love, as that she were transfigured, and to need strangely that she | join | How many times the word 'join' appears in the text? | 2 |
within the metal of mine head-gear, where the guards did come down at the sides; and she to kiss me very sober upon the lips; but yet to mean utter by that kiss. And I not to return the kiss; for I saw that it did not be her need. Now, in the beginning of the fourth hour, as I did go with the Maid, I to see afar off one of the half-bird monsters, that I did see before upon this place where there did be naught save great stones and boulders for a great way that did be many miles. And truly, I to hide very swift with the Maid, where two great boulders did come together; and surely the bird-creature to go past at no great way, and to go with a great bounding, that did be half of flight and half of leaping, as that it did be too weighty in the body to make to fly proper. And, indeed, I to have a sudden memory how that there did be a picture in some book that I did read in the Mighty Pyramid, where it did show such a bird-thing as this; and to make remark in the book that these things had been seen no more in the Night Land for a score thousand of years, or more; and to be extinct, as we do say. But, indeed, now I do think that they did be come downward to that warm Country, a great while gone, and so to have new life and to breed through a great age, and this way to have set a pattern unto the Humans. And, in verity, it might be that in some age that did be far after that time, the Humans to find some way to journey from the Pyramid, and to build a new Refuge in that deep Country; and mayhap the Humans thiswise to have a new space of life, after that all the Night Land did be dead and lost in the bitter frost of Eternity. But this, indeed, to be no more than an odd thought; for how might any great multitude pass the Monsters; and I to ask that you take it for nothing of fact, but only as of my suppositions; and thiswise to come back again to happenings. Now, when the bird-thing did be gone a long way off, I to go forward again with Mine Own, and to have a new care, and to look very swift and frequent everyway. And, truly, it did be as that the creatures did inhabit that part of the Country; for in an hour after that, I to see a good score. And, I to free the Diskos from my hip, and to have it ready in mine arms beside the Maid; and so to journey. And many times I to have to hide with Mine Own, and to crouch low among the rocks and the boulders; and this way to escape free of all for a great while. Yet, when that the fifth hour did be nigh gone, I heard a noise sudden to my back, as we did go over a clear space. And, in verity, there did be one of the monsters that came upward over certain rocks that were to my rearward; and surely it to have been stayed hid there, or resting, and to have heard us or to have smelled us; but anywise then to have knowledge of us, and to come with low and brutish heavy boundings, very lumbersome, after us. And I lookt everyway in a moment; but there was nowhere any shelter anigh. And the Maid to leap sudden from mine arms, that I be free with the Diskos; and I to look swift to her, and to see that she have her knife ready in her hand, that she might chance to aid me. But surely I might not fight in ease of mind, if that Mine Own did be needless in danger; and I caught her very quick by the waist, and set her upon the ground between my feet. And she to make half to refuse; but I to have no time for explaining, and to be sharp that I have her safe; so that I gave her a little shake that did sudden to make her feel the strength in me; and she then to be instant quiet in my hands, and to let me that I set her upon her face, and to cast the thick cloak above her; and in a moment to be stood over her, and to set down the visor of mine head-gear, lest that the bird-monster strike me in the face. And surely, the bird-thing did be scarce an hundred good paces off; and to make two lumbering and monstrous bounds, and to come at me. Yet, truly, it made sudden a pause, because that the Diskos did roar and send out fire, as I made it to spin; but in an instant the great thing to come in at me upon the left side, and to strike me very hard with the bill, that did be so long as mine arm, and had surely gone through my body, if that I had been naked. And the bill of the monster rang upon mine armour; and it smote me twice thiswise, so that I staggered very sick and shaken. But in a moment, as it made to draw off, that it should come the more hard upon me, I swung the Diskos very sure and quick, and I smote the Bird-thing above the place where the great seeming-leathern wing did join upon the right side, as it should be the shoulder of the Bird-monster. And, in verity, the monster gave out a mighty squarking, and went backward this way and that, and beat all about upon the stones, and did strike with the great bill at the place where it did be hurt. And I heeded that I end it swiftly; and I ran in upon it, and the creature to strike at me with the great bill, very savage. But I jumpt speedy to this side, and again to that, and so in a moment to have chance to come in surely. And truly I split the skull of the Bird-thing, so that it died very quick and was gone from pain. And the Bird-creature lay all spread upon the stones and the rock of that place; and surely it did be as that it were leathern, and made somewise as a bat doth be of this age, in that it did have no feathers. And, truly, it lookt mighty, where it did be spread; and indeed the body to be full so big as the body of a young horse; and the bill to be very deadly and sharp and cumbrous, as you to have guessed. And I to be all and utter thankful that it did be there, dead, in the stead of mine own body. And the thing yet to twitch and stir a little, as the life did go from it. And surely I was back then very speedy to the Maid, and she to be kneeled upward to watch me. And I took her into mine arms, and lookt well about; and made then forward again. And about the middle part of the sixth hour of crossing that rocky land, I saw that we did draw near unto the shallow river, that you shall mind I came over, after that I had done with the olden flying ship. And in all that time, since the Bird-monster to come after us, I had seen but two more, and they a great way off, so that I guessed that I was come beyond that part where they did go very frequent. And I to wade over the river, and to carry Mine Own upon one arm, the while that I did sound my way with the staff of the Diskos; and truly I came across very easy, save that I did have to go around somewhat, where that the river did seem to have a deep place. And when that we had crost the river, it did be full one and twenty hours since that we slumbered, as you shall know, if that you but count a little; for you do mind that we spent a certain time within the tree, as I have told; and this not to have been proper counted into the time of our journeying. And surely, the Maid to have been very quiet, since that I did show my strength a little to her, when that I made her to lie, that she be safe from the bill of the Bird-monster. But she not to be anywise in anger upon me; but only, as I do think, that the woman in her did be something fresh waked unto me; and she to be very content that she be quiet in mine arms. Now the place that we were come to, was much spread with boulders; but yet to have the beginnings again of the forests, as you to remember; for I to have made some small remark of the land in this part, upon mine outward way. And we lookt about for a fire-hole, that I should dry my lower garments; and truly, we had not past many in a great while; but we to be in fortune, that we came soon upon a little fire-hill that did be no more than so high as a man, and to have the rock all hot about; so that this did be a good place to our purpose. And I kist the Maid, and set her down out of mine arms; and when that I had lookt well about, and seen that there did be naught to our sight to give us to fear, the Maid to help me with mine armour; and afterward with my garments, and to ease me all ways that she could think of with helpfulness. And she set the garments of my lower parts to dry, and whilst that they did be drying, she to make ready the water and the tablets, and to have me to sit beside her, in my body-vest and gear, and we to eat and drink very comfortable in the warm hollow that was something anigh to the small fire-hill. Now, truly, I did be very hungry that time, and indeed to be alway so, for the tablets did be very unfilling to the belly, as you do well know from my tellings. And when that I did be finished, I saw that the Maid lookt at me somewise oddways, and sudden she to come into laughter, and askt me whether that I did be very empty; and in the same moment there to be a wondrous dear look within her eyes; so that I perceived that there went a mother-note under her impudence. And she to yearn, as I could know, that she have some way to feed me; but truly there did be no way, for we thought not to make to slay aught for our purpose, and we did be feared that we eat any root or plant, lest that we be ill. And this to seem strange to my spirit of this our age, but to be natural unto that; so that I do think I did be so long bred from the primal obtaining of food, that I did be all lost to that which should seem natural unto the peoples of this early age of the world; though we truly to think that the world doth even now be old; and this to have seemed a true thing unto every age that ever did live. Now, beside that we did lack somewise to think serious that we slay something to eat, in that the tablets did actually suffice to our strength, I to believe that there did be some other reason that I do forget, and mayhap never to have thought plain upon; but which to be set within me as an instinct, as we do say; and this to mean, if that I try to set it in other words, that the tablets did keep the body and the spirit in such condition that the Forces of Evil did have the less power to act upon us. Yet, have I no remembering that I was taught in the preparation that I eat naught, save the tablets; and this mayhap never to have been set upon me; but to have been as a thing that doth never need to have been told; even as you shall not tell a grown man in this Age that he shall refrain from dung, and eat only wholesome matter. And truly, I to hope that I have made this thing somewise clear unto you; for, indeed, it doth be something hard to set out; for every Age hath the subtleties peculiar to that Age; and these to be hard to the understanding of other Ages, but yet to seem plain and utter natural, even without thought, unto the Peoples of the Age. And surely all this to be plain to you, and to be over-plain; for, in verity, I tell to you, and over-tell, until that I should be weary; and mayhap you to be the more so. And, indeed, I not to blame you; but only to hope that your understanding, which doth mean also in general your hearts, doth be with me all along my way. And, indeed, this my tale to be not easy told. And, in verity, I to be back now unto the Maid a-laugh upon me, and in the same moment deeply loving and a-lack that she could not feed me, and I to laugh with her, and to have understanding with her, as you to know; and, indeed, I to have an heart that doth be made someways natural unto understanding; so that even though I be dead when you read this, my tale, you to feel that we be friends, and to know that could I meet with you in pitiful trouble, I to have understanding and love to you, if that you be not utter brutish; and even-so, I to be sorrowful that you should be brutish, and to have understanding, in that I to know that by developement you to become wise unto sweetness and charity, and in love with all dear things, and kind pity of the rest. And thiswise you to be in human sympathy with me, because that you do feel that I be honest with you, and somewise even now to your elbow, as you read. And this to be writ now, and you mayhap not to be born a great while yet; but in the end to read and to have understanding with me, and to know how I did love Mine Own. And so we to go forward again, the closer, in that we do be the more knit in dear human sympathy. And surely the Maid kist me very nice on the lips, and did promise again how that she should make me a great meal when that we did come to our Mighty Home; and, indeed, as she to say, she to join with me, and we both to be naughty gluttons for that once. And, surely, I laughed gently at the Maid, because that she should be so dainty a glutton; but for my part, I to feel that I could eat an horse, as we do say in this Age. And by that we had eat and drunk and talked awhile, and lookt oft about, so that we know that no brutish thing came near, to our hurt, the Maid to tell me that my garments did be dry; and she then to give me aid that I dress very quick; and afterward she to help me with mine armour, the which she did wipe after that we had eat and drunk; and she to have had joy that she do this thing, and all things for me; and to have used a part of her torn garments to this end. And so, truly, I to be clothed and armed very speedy, and to feel eased and the more sure in my mind; for in verity, I was alway in unease, when that I did not be ready that I be able to meet any horrid Brute that should be like to come upon us. Now, when that I did be into mine armour again, the Maid to set the scrip and the pouch upon me, and all the while I scarce to be loosed of the Diskos, as ever. And we then to our way, which did be that we find a place proper to our slumber. And when that we did be gone all-ways, and no cave proper to our sight, we found a great tree, that did be set off alone, and had a plenty of branches; but none that did be near to the bottom-part. And surely, I gave the Maid a lift, and held her up so far as mine arms did go, so that she might stand upon the palms of my hands, and be steady against the trunk of the tree; and she thiswise to have a hold upon a branch, and so to go upward. And, truly, when that she was safe, I loosed one of the straps from the pouch and the scrip, and I cast this up to the Maid, and she set it strong about the branch. And when I had caught the downward end, I went upward very easy; and afterward took loose the strap; and this way we did be something safe, as you shall see. And we climbed upward then, and so came to a part of the tree where the branches did be very thick together; and we made here a place for our slumber, and the Maid set the cloak over the branches that did be so close, and afterward we lay down; but first I set the strap about her waist, and thence to a branch, and she to refuse sleep until that I be likewise; so that we did be both very safe from any fall. And she kist me, and we then to our slumber, and very weary; for it did be two and twenty hours, by this, since that we had sleep. Now we had eight hours in which we slept utter; and we both to awake, as it did seem in the same moment; but truly, I to think that Mine Own did be wakeful before that time; for, indeed, as she put her arms very dainty about my neck, that she kiss me, I did have a quick and sudden knowledge that I had been kist oft in my sleep, and this to have been but a little while gone. And surely, it did seem to me that Mine Own did have a sweet and contented Mischief inward of her eyes; but yet she to be very sedate outward, and to kiss me loving and dear, and then we to our breakfast, upon the cloak. And afterward, I climbed to the topmost branches of the tree, and lookt well over the Country all about; but there was no brutish thing to my sight in any place, neither near nor far. And I came down then to the Maid, and told her how that there was quietness of life all about. And we had our gear together, and went downward to the earth, and I to help Mine Own, and this way she to be safe. Now, as we went forward upon our journeying, I perceived that the Maid had a wayward air; and truly, I thought that she did have her heart all set toward naughtiness and mischief; and in the same moment that I was in this belief, I did know in mine understanding that this did spring from the workings of my nature upon the nature of Mine Own Maiden. And Naani to walk, in the first, beside me, and to have no word for me, because that she did be so filled with the stirrings of her naughtiness, that did be in the same moment very sweet unto me, and yet to waken all that did be masterful within me. And she to be that she did know, and to delight, in her secret heart that she waken that which did be masterful in me; but yet in the same moment to be strong determined that she be not mastered by me. And surely this to seem contrarywise in the words; but to be clear to the heart, if indeed you have ever been loved by a dear maid of an high spirit. And above all this, the Maid did be filled with a love for me, that did beat and dance in all her being; and this in truth to overweigh all; but yet from this same thing her dainty naughtiness to be born, because, as I did say, my manhood to stir all her nature up-wise in sweet trouble that did be half of rebellion, and half that she did ache that she be close unto me in mine arms. And, in verity, you to be with me in all these things, if that you have had the love-days beside a dear and dainty maid, of an high and pure and natural spirit; so that if you be old these days, even but the light merriment of a passing maiden to bring a pain of wonderings and golden memories upon your heart. And presently, I saw that Mine Own put a little space between us, as the naughtiness did work in her, as my heart to know; and she to be offward from me a little. And she still to have no speech with me; but in a little to begin that she sing in a low voice; and to have her pretty body very upright and lithesome, and to go forward with a wondrous dainty swing, so that my heart told me that she did all be stirred with small thrillings of defiance unto me, and with thrillings of love; and she to have the triumph of her Maidenhood and of her Womanhood, as it were both to contend in her and to thrill upon her tongue, and to show out the lilting and pretty warfare of her spirit that did go dancing and dearly naughty in her breast. And surely I went, very lifted in my heart, and astir; for it did be wondrous to me that this lovely Maid did be so utter mine. And to see but the way that she set her feet to the earth, and the way that she did lift them sure and dainty; and the way that her body did be poised, and the way of her head; and the way of her naughtiness and the sweetness and the love that did be wrapt in with all, did make me want that I have her in mine arms. But yet, I not to do this, because that in the same time that she did so stir me to love and admirings, she to set somewhat else in me at variance, so that I did half to feel stern with her, for I perceived that she had that naughtiness then within her, that she did be like to have a real intent of impertinence unto me, so that she should be naughtily outrageous, and to have no heed to my advisings, neither unto my desires, unless that I set my hand upon her, to _make_ her to obey. And truly, you that have had dear maids, shall follow mine explainings; but unto others, I know not whether they shall understand, until they too have been possessed of One that shall set all their heart adrift, even as this One that did be Mine Own. And sudden, I to know that Naani did change from her low singing unto an olden air that had surely not been heard in all that eternity. And in verity, for a little while, I not to know why that it did so shake all my heart; nor what it did be; nor whether that I had truly heard it before, or only to think so. And, surely, it did be as that the silence of the olden moonlit world did steal all about me; and sudden, I to know that the Maid did sing an olden love-song of the olden world, and to go halting a little as she sang, because that the words did steal something odd-wise through the far veils of her memory, even as a song doth come backward out of dreams. And I to feel all my blood to seem to tremble in my veins, and my throat to be troubled, as with vague sobs that did be the ghosts of forgotten tears. And the dim sorrow that had come so swift and strange upon me, to be likewise steeped in golden mists of the love that I once did love; and the glamour to be come all fresh upon me, and I to know in that moment how much we do forget, even when that we do believe that we have all memory and all sorrow within our hearts. And I lookt unto the Maid, something dimly, because of the way that I did be; and I perceived in a moment that Mine Own did weep as she walked; but the less with pain than with the strange anguish of Memory, that doth have in it Tenderness and Sorrow and Love and all that Hath Been and all that Did Never Be, and all to make a Vale unto the Spirit, where doth be both a dim greyness and a warm and everlasting light, and an utter speechlessness, and the low and far music of forgotten songs, that do come downward over the shadowy mountains that do be builded of Years and Forgetfulness, and yet made to be seen with the light of that our Memory, which doth cast so many husht shadows. And surely, as I did say, the Maid did weep as she went; but not to be cast down; but rather that she held her head upwise, as that she did walk in a glory. And the song to come oft-broke, and oddly, and to set her voice to little human quiverings, as her memory did shake her sweet spirit unto tears afresh; and she to walk with her pretty head upheld and as that she did go in a Triumph; and the tears to come down strangely upon her face, and all her soul to be there, pure and wondrous, and in the same time both troubled and glad. And this thing to be very dear and amazing; and she to be as that she not to know then that she sang; but as that she did be lost in her thoughts, as we do say, and this to have come sudden upon her, out of all her upliftedness of spirit, that had been like to make her very open unto all subtile and subtle powers of thought and inward stirrings, as you shall think. And again the song to come full-remembered, and fresh, as that this Eternity did be but the yesterday of that moment. And Mine Own to be all in a sweet madness with those half-dreamed memories, and the wonder and pain of all that no man hath ever said, and that shall be never said; and of the utter lost years, and all that hath been lost, and all forgotten greatness and splendour, and the dreadfulness of parting, and the loveliness of beautiful things that do be hid in the abyss of the years. And it did be sudden to my quickened fancy, that there did be low echoes all about us, of the voices of dear beautiful ones that have died; for so did memory set a strange and lovely mystery about my spirit in that moment, that I did be all shaken so much as Mine Own. And I to be as that I drew my breath anigh to tears, and did be there with Naani amid the quiet spareness of the trees and the rock of that part of the land; but yet did be to see half dimly that I stood within a light, even as the light that doth be the wonder of olden sunsets; and I to be, in the same time, both _that_ man and _this_ man that now doth write; and to have beside my spirit but one maid, that I did lack to know whether I say to her Naani or Mirdath; for though the two that have been Mine Own did be different-seeming to the eye, there to be but the spirit of one maid beside me in that moment. And surely, I did be there, all shaken unto the seeing of visions, as it did seem; so that the Land about me to have grown half as that it did lack that it be real unto my sight, because that I lookt inward unto Lands that did be of Memory. And lo! in a moment this to go; and I to be in that Country of the Seas, and to look newly unto Naani, and she to go as I have told; and there to be the lonesome trees and the rocks in all parts for a great way about. And sudden, as I lookt at Mine Own, she to come round unto me, and she held out her arms, and did gaze at me with such a love, as that she were transfigured, and to need strangely that she | waist | How many times the word 'waist' appears in the text? | 2 |
within the metal of mine head-gear, where the guards did come down at the sides; and she to kiss me very sober upon the lips; but yet to mean utter by that kiss. And I not to return the kiss; for I saw that it did not be her need. Now, in the beginning of the fourth hour, as I did go with the Maid, I to see afar off one of the half-bird monsters, that I did see before upon this place where there did be naught save great stones and boulders for a great way that did be many miles. And truly, I to hide very swift with the Maid, where two great boulders did come together; and surely the bird-creature to go past at no great way, and to go with a great bounding, that did be half of flight and half of leaping, as that it did be too weighty in the body to make to fly proper. And, indeed, I to have a sudden memory how that there did be a picture in some book that I did read in the Mighty Pyramid, where it did show such a bird-thing as this; and to make remark in the book that these things had been seen no more in the Night Land for a score thousand of years, or more; and to be extinct, as we do say. But, indeed, now I do think that they did be come downward to that warm Country, a great while gone, and so to have new life and to breed through a great age, and this way to have set a pattern unto the Humans. And, in verity, it might be that in some age that did be far after that time, the Humans to find some way to journey from the Pyramid, and to build a new Refuge in that deep Country; and mayhap the Humans thiswise to have a new space of life, after that all the Night Land did be dead and lost in the bitter frost of Eternity. But this, indeed, to be no more than an odd thought; for how might any great multitude pass the Monsters; and I to ask that you take it for nothing of fact, but only as of my suppositions; and thiswise to come back again to happenings. Now, when the bird-thing did be gone a long way off, I to go forward again with Mine Own, and to have a new care, and to look very swift and frequent everyway. And, truly, it did be as that the creatures did inhabit that part of the Country; for in an hour after that, I to see a good score. And, I to free the Diskos from my hip, and to have it ready in mine arms beside the Maid; and so to journey. And many times I to have to hide with Mine Own, and to crouch low among the rocks and the boulders; and this way to escape free of all for a great while. Yet, when that the fifth hour did be nigh gone, I heard a noise sudden to my back, as we did go over a clear space. And, in verity, there did be one of the monsters that came upward over certain rocks that were to my rearward; and surely it to have been stayed hid there, or resting, and to have heard us or to have smelled us; but anywise then to have knowledge of us, and to come with low and brutish heavy boundings, very lumbersome, after us. And I lookt everyway in a moment; but there was nowhere any shelter anigh. And the Maid to leap sudden from mine arms, that I be free with the Diskos; and I to look swift to her, and to see that she have her knife ready in her hand, that she might chance to aid me. But surely I might not fight in ease of mind, if that Mine Own did be needless in danger; and I caught her very quick by the waist, and set her upon the ground between my feet. And she to make half to refuse; but I to have no time for explaining, and to be sharp that I have her safe; so that I gave her a little shake that did sudden to make her feel the strength in me; and she then to be instant quiet in my hands, and to let me that I set her upon her face, and to cast the thick cloak above her; and in a moment to be stood over her, and to set down the visor of mine head-gear, lest that the bird-monster strike me in the face. And surely, the bird-thing did be scarce an hundred good paces off; and to make two lumbering and monstrous bounds, and to come at me. Yet, truly, it made sudden a pause, because that the Diskos did roar and send out fire, as I made it to spin; but in an instant the great thing to come in at me upon the left side, and to strike me very hard with the bill, that did be so long as mine arm, and had surely gone through my body, if that I had been naked. And the bill of the monster rang upon mine armour; and it smote me twice thiswise, so that I staggered very sick and shaken. But in a moment, as it made to draw off, that it should come the more hard upon me, I swung the Diskos very sure and quick, and I smote the Bird-thing above the place where the great seeming-leathern wing did join upon the right side, as it should be the shoulder of the Bird-monster. And, in verity, the monster gave out a mighty squarking, and went backward this way and that, and beat all about upon the stones, and did strike with the great bill at the place where it did be hurt. And I heeded that I end it swiftly; and I ran in upon it, and the creature to strike at me with the great bill, very savage. But I jumpt speedy to this side, and again to that, and so in a moment to have chance to come in surely. And truly I split the skull of the Bird-thing, so that it died very quick and was gone from pain. And the Bird-creature lay all spread upon the stones and the rock of that place; and surely it did be as that it were leathern, and made somewise as a bat doth be of this age, in that it did have no feathers. And, truly, it lookt mighty, where it did be spread; and indeed the body to be full so big as the body of a young horse; and the bill to be very deadly and sharp and cumbrous, as you to have guessed. And I to be all and utter thankful that it did be there, dead, in the stead of mine own body. And the thing yet to twitch and stir a little, as the life did go from it. And surely I was back then very speedy to the Maid, and she to be kneeled upward to watch me. And I took her into mine arms, and lookt well about; and made then forward again. And about the middle part of the sixth hour of crossing that rocky land, I saw that we did draw near unto the shallow river, that you shall mind I came over, after that I had done with the olden flying ship. And in all that time, since the Bird-monster to come after us, I had seen but two more, and they a great way off, so that I guessed that I was come beyond that part where they did go very frequent. And I to wade over the river, and to carry Mine Own upon one arm, the while that I did sound my way with the staff of the Diskos; and truly I came across very easy, save that I did have to go around somewhat, where that the river did seem to have a deep place. And when that we had crost the river, it did be full one and twenty hours since that we slumbered, as you shall know, if that you but count a little; for you do mind that we spent a certain time within the tree, as I have told; and this not to have been proper counted into the time of our journeying. And surely, the Maid to have been very quiet, since that I did show my strength a little to her, when that I made her to lie, that she be safe from the bill of the Bird-monster. But she not to be anywise in anger upon me; but only, as I do think, that the woman in her did be something fresh waked unto me; and she to be very content that she be quiet in mine arms. Now the place that we were come to, was much spread with boulders; but yet to have the beginnings again of the forests, as you to remember; for I to have made some small remark of the land in this part, upon mine outward way. And we lookt about for a fire-hole, that I should dry my lower garments; and truly, we had not past many in a great while; but we to be in fortune, that we came soon upon a little fire-hill that did be no more than so high as a man, and to have the rock all hot about; so that this did be a good place to our purpose. And I kist the Maid, and set her down out of mine arms; and when that I had lookt well about, and seen that there did be naught to our sight to give us to fear, the Maid to help me with mine armour; and afterward with my garments, and to ease me all ways that she could think of with helpfulness. And she set the garments of my lower parts to dry, and whilst that they did be drying, she to make ready the water and the tablets, and to have me to sit beside her, in my body-vest and gear, and we to eat and drink very comfortable in the warm hollow that was something anigh to the small fire-hill. Now, truly, I did be very hungry that time, and indeed to be alway so, for the tablets did be very unfilling to the belly, as you do well know from my tellings. And when that I did be finished, I saw that the Maid lookt at me somewise oddways, and sudden she to come into laughter, and askt me whether that I did be very empty; and in the same moment there to be a wondrous dear look within her eyes; so that I perceived that there went a mother-note under her impudence. And she to yearn, as I could know, that she have some way to feed me; but truly there did be no way, for we thought not to make to slay aught for our purpose, and we did be feared that we eat any root or plant, lest that we be ill. And this to seem strange to my spirit of this our age, but to be natural unto that; so that I do think I did be so long bred from the primal obtaining of food, that I did be all lost to that which should seem natural unto the peoples of this early age of the world; though we truly to think that the world doth even now be old; and this to have seemed a true thing unto every age that ever did live. Now, beside that we did lack somewise to think serious that we slay something to eat, in that the tablets did actually suffice to our strength, I to believe that there did be some other reason that I do forget, and mayhap never to have thought plain upon; but which to be set within me as an instinct, as we do say; and this to mean, if that I try to set it in other words, that the tablets did keep the body and the spirit in such condition that the Forces of Evil did have the less power to act upon us. Yet, have I no remembering that I was taught in the preparation that I eat naught, save the tablets; and this mayhap never to have been set upon me; but to have been as a thing that doth never need to have been told; even as you shall not tell a grown man in this Age that he shall refrain from dung, and eat only wholesome matter. And truly, I to hope that I have made this thing somewise clear unto you; for, indeed, it doth be something hard to set out; for every Age hath the subtleties peculiar to that Age; and these to be hard to the understanding of other Ages, but yet to seem plain and utter natural, even without thought, unto the Peoples of the Age. And surely all this to be plain to you, and to be over-plain; for, in verity, I tell to you, and over-tell, until that I should be weary; and mayhap you to be the more so. And, indeed, I not to blame you; but only to hope that your understanding, which doth mean also in general your hearts, doth be with me all along my way. And, indeed, this my tale to be not easy told. And, in verity, I to be back now unto the Maid a-laugh upon me, and in the same moment deeply loving and a-lack that she could not feed me, and I to laugh with her, and to have understanding with her, as you to know; and, indeed, I to have an heart that doth be made someways natural unto understanding; so that even though I be dead when you read this, my tale, you to feel that we be friends, and to know that could I meet with you in pitiful trouble, I to have understanding and love to you, if that you be not utter brutish; and even-so, I to be sorrowful that you should be brutish, and to have understanding, in that I to know that by developement you to become wise unto sweetness and charity, and in love with all dear things, and kind pity of the rest. And thiswise you to be in human sympathy with me, because that you do feel that I be honest with you, and somewise even now to your elbow, as you read. And this to be writ now, and you mayhap not to be born a great while yet; but in the end to read and to have understanding with me, and to know how I did love Mine Own. And so we to go forward again, the closer, in that we do be the more knit in dear human sympathy. And surely the Maid kist me very nice on the lips, and did promise again how that she should make me a great meal when that we did come to our Mighty Home; and, indeed, as she to say, she to join with me, and we both to be naughty gluttons for that once. And, surely, I laughed gently at the Maid, because that she should be so dainty a glutton; but for my part, I to feel that I could eat an horse, as we do say in this Age. And by that we had eat and drunk and talked awhile, and lookt oft about, so that we know that no brutish thing came near, to our hurt, the Maid to tell me that my garments did be dry; and she then to give me aid that I dress very quick; and afterward she to help me with mine armour, the which she did wipe after that we had eat and drunk; and she to have had joy that she do this thing, and all things for me; and to have used a part of her torn garments to this end. And so, truly, I to be clothed and armed very speedy, and to feel eased and the more sure in my mind; for in verity, I was alway in unease, when that I did not be ready that I be able to meet any horrid Brute that should be like to come upon us. Now, when that I did be into mine armour again, the Maid to set the scrip and the pouch upon me, and all the while I scarce to be loosed of the Diskos, as ever. And we then to our way, which did be that we find a place proper to our slumber. And when that we did be gone all-ways, and no cave proper to our sight, we found a great tree, that did be set off alone, and had a plenty of branches; but none that did be near to the bottom-part. And surely, I gave the Maid a lift, and held her up so far as mine arms did go, so that she might stand upon the palms of my hands, and be steady against the trunk of the tree; and she thiswise to have a hold upon a branch, and so to go upward. And, truly, when that she was safe, I loosed one of the straps from the pouch and the scrip, and I cast this up to the Maid, and she set it strong about the branch. And when I had caught the downward end, I went upward very easy; and afterward took loose the strap; and this way we did be something safe, as you shall see. And we climbed upward then, and so came to a part of the tree where the branches did be very thick together; and we made here a place for our slumber, and the Maid set the cloak over the branches that did be so close, and afterward we lay down; but first I set the strap about her waist, and thence to a branch, and she to refuse sleep until that I be likewise; so that we did be both very safe from any fall. And she kist me, and we then to our slumber, and very weary; for it did be two and twenty hours, by this, since that we had sleep. Now we had eight hours in which we slept utter; and we both to awake, as it did seem in the same moment; but truly, I to think that Mine Own did be wakeful before that time; for, indeed, as she put her arms very dainty about my neck, that she kiss me, I did have a quick and sudden knowledge that I had been kist oft in my sleep, and this to have been but a little while gone. And surely, it did seem to me that Mine Own did have a sweet and contented Mischief inward of her eyes; but yet she to be very sedate outward, and to kiss me loving and dear, and then we to our breakfast, upon the cloak. And afterward, I climbed to the topmost branches of the tree, and lookt well over the Country all about; but there was no brutish thing to my sight in any place, neither near nor far. And I came down then to the Maid, and told her how that there was quietness of life all about. And we had our gear together, and went downward to the earth, and I to help Mine Own, and this way she to be safe. Now, as we went forward upon our journeying, I perceived that the Maid had a wayward air; and truly, I thought that she did have her heart all set toward naughtiness and mischief; and in the same moment that I was in this belief, I did know in mine understanding that this did spring from the workings of my nature upon the nature of Mine Own Maiden. And Naani to walk, in the first, beside me, and to have no word for me, because that she did be so filled with the stirrings of her naughtiness, that did be in the same moment very sweet unto me, and yet to waken all that did be masterful within me. And she to be that she did know, and to delight, in her secret heart that she waken that which did be masterful in me; but yet in the same moment to be strong determined that she be not mastered by me. And surely this to seem contrarywise in the words; but to be clear to the heart, if indeed you have ever been loved by a dear maid of an high spirit. And above all this, the Maid did be filled with a love for me, that did beat and dance in all her being; and this in truth to overweigh all; but yet from this same thing her dainty naughtiness to be born, because, as I did say, my manhood to stir all her nature up-wise in sweet trouble that did be half of rebellion, and half that she did ache that she be close unto me in mine arms. And, in verity, you to be with me in all these things, if that you have had the love-days beside a dear and dainty maid, of an high and pure and natural spirit; so that if you be old these days, even but the light merriment of a passing maiden to bring a pain of wonderings and golden memories upon your heart. And presently, I saw that Mine Own put a little space between us, as the naughtiness did work in her, as my heart to know; and she to be offward from me a little. And she still to have no speech with me; but in a little to begin that she sing in a low voice; and to have her pretty body very upright and lithesome, and to go forward with a wondrous dainty swing, so that my heart told me that she did all be stirred with small thrillings of defiance unto me, and with thrillings of love; and she to have the triumph of her Maidenhood and of her Womanhood, as it were both to contend in her and to thrill upon her tongue, and to show out the lilting and pretty warfare of her spirit that did go dancing and dearly naughty in her breast. And surely I went, very lifted in my heart, and astir; for it did be wondrous to me that this lovely Maid did be so utter mine. And to see but the way that she set her feet to the earth, and the way that she did lift them sure and dainty; and the way that her body did be poised, and the way of her head; and the way of her naughtiness and the sweetness and the love that did be wrapt in with all, did make me want that I have her in mine arms. But yet, I not to do this, because that in the same time that she did so stir me to love and admirings, she to set somewhat else in me at variance, so that I did half to feel stern with her, for I perceived that she had that naughtiness then within her, that she did be like to have a real intent of impertinence unto me, so that she should be naughtily outrageous, and to have no heed to my advisings, neither unto my desires, unless that I set my hand upon her, to _make_ her to obey. And truly, you that have had dear maids, shall follow mine explainings; but unto others, I know not whether they shall understand, until they too have been possessed of One that shall set all their heart adrift, even as this One that did be Mine Own. And sudden, I to know that Naani did change from her low singing unto an olden air that had surely not been heard in all that eternity. And in verity, for a little while, I not to know why that it did so shake all my heart; nor what it did be; nor whether that I had truly heard it before, or only to think so. And, surely, it did be as that the silence of the olden moonlit world did steal all about me; and sudden, I to know that the Maid did sing an olden love-song of the olden world, and to go halting a little as she sang, because that the words did steal something odd-wise through the far veils of her memory, even as a song doth come backward out of dreams. And I to feel all my blood to seem to tremble in my veins, and my throat to be troubled, as with vague sobs that did be the ghosts of forgotten tears. And the dim sorrow that had come so swift and strange upon me, to be likewise steeped in golden mists of the love that I once did love; and the glamour to be come all fresh upon me, and I to know in that moment how much we do forget, even when that we do believe that we have all memory and all sorrow within our hearts. And I lookt unto the Maid, something dimly, because of the way that I did be; and I perceived in a moment that Mine Own did weep as she walked; but the less with pain than with the strange anguish of Memory, that doth have in it Tenderness and Sorrow and Love and all that Hath Been and all that Did Never Be, and all to make a Vale unto the Spirit, where doth be both a dim greyness and a warm and everlasting light, and an utter speechlessness, and the low and far music of forgotten songs, that do come downward over the shadowy mountains that do be builded of Years and Forgetfulness, and yet made to be seen with the light of that our Memory, which doth cast so many husht shadows. And surely, as I did say, the Maid did weep as she went; but not to be cast down; but rather that she held her head upwise, as that she did walk in a glory. And the song to come oft-broke, and oddly, and to set her voice to little human quiverings, as her memory did shake her sweet spirit unto tears afresh; and she to walk with her pretty head upheld and as that she did go in a Triumph; and the tears to come down strangely upon her face, and all her soul to be there, pure and wondrous, and in the same time both troubled and glad. And this thing to be very dear and amazing; and she to be as that she not to know then that she sang; but as that she did be lost in her thoughts, as we do say, and this to have come sudden upon her, out of all her upliftedness of spirit, that had been like to make her very open unto all subtile and subtle powers of thought and inward stirrings, as you shall think. And again the song to come full-remembered, and fresh, as that this Eternity did be but the yesterday of that moment. And Mine Own to be all in a sweet madness with those half-dreamed memories, and the wonder and pain of all that no man hath ever said, and that shall be never said; and of the utter lost years, and all that hath been lost, and all forgotten greatness and splendour, and the dreadfulness of parting, and the loveliness of beautiful things that do be hid in the abyss of the years. And it did be sudden to my quickened fancy, that there did be low echoes all about us, of the voices of dear beautiful ones that have died; for so did memory set a strange and lovely mystery about my spirit in that moment, that I did be all shaken so much as Mine Own. And I to be as that I drew my breath anigh to tears, and did be there with Naani amid the quiet spareness of the trees and the rock of that part of the land; but yet did be to see half dimly that I stood within a light, even as the light that doth be the wonder of olden sunsets; and I to be, in the same time, both _that_ man and _this_ man that now doth write; and to have beside my spirit but one maid, that I did lack to know whether I say to her Naani or Mirdath; for though the two that have been Mine Own did be different-seeming to the eye, there to be but the spirit of one maid beside me in that moment. And surely, I did be there, all shaken unto the seeing of visions, as it did seem; so that the Land about me to have grown half as that it did lack that it be real unto my sight, because that I lookt inward unto Lands that did be of Memory. And lo! in a moment this to go; and I to be in that Country of the Seas, and to look newly unto Naani, and she to go as I have told; and there to be the lonesome trees and the rocks in all parts for a great way about. And sudden, as I lookt at Mine Own, she to come round unto me, and she held out her arms, and did gaze at me with such a love, as that she were transfigured, and to need strangely that she | here | How many times the word 'here' appears in the text? | 1 |
within the metal of mine head-gear, where the guards did come down at the sides; and she to kiss me very sober upon the lips; but yet to mean utter by that kiss. And I not to return the kiss; for I saw that it did not be her need. Now, in the beginning of the fourth hour, as I did go with the Maid, I to see afar off one of the half-bird monsters, that I did see before upon this place where there did be naught save great stones and boulders for a great way that did be many miles. And truly, I to hide very swift with the Maid, where two great boulders did come together; and surely the bird-creature to go past at no great way, and to go with a great bounding, that did be half of flight and half of leaping, as that it did be too weighty in the body to make to fly proper. And, indeed, I to have a sudden memory how that there did be a picture in some book that I did read in the Mighty Pyramid, where it did show such a bird-thing as this; and to make remark in the book that these things had been seen no more in the Night Land for a score thousand of years, or more; and to be extinct, as we do say. But, indeed, now I do think that they did be come downward to that warm Country, a great while gone, and so to have new life and to breed through a great age, and this way to have set a pattern unto the Humans. And, in verity, it might be that in some age that did be far after that time, the Humans to find some way to journey from the Pyramid, and to build a new Refuge in that deep Country; and mayhap the Humans thiswise to have a new space of life, after that all the Night Land did be dead and lost in the bitter frost of Eternity. But this, indeed, to be no more than an odd thought; for how might any great multitude pass the Monsters; and I to ask that you take it for nothing of fact, but only as of my suppositions; and thiswise to come back again to happenings. Now, when the bird-thing did be gone a long way off, I to go forward again with Mine Own, and to have a new care, and to look very swift and frequent everyway. And, truly, it did be as that the creatures did inhabit that part of the Country; for in an hour after that, I to see a good score. And, I to free the Diskos from my hip, and to have it ready in mine arms beside the Maid; and so to journey. And many times I to have to hide with Mine Own, and to crouch low among the rocks and the boulders; and this way to escape free of all for a great while. Yet, when that the fifth hour did be nigh gone, I heard a noise sudden to my back, as we did go over a clear space. And, in verity, there did be one of the monsters that came upward over certain rocks that were to my rearward; and surely it to have been stayed hid there, or resting, and to have heard us or to have smelled us; but anywise then to have knowledge of us, and to come with low and brutish heavy boundings, very lumbersome, after us. And I lookt everyway in a moment; but there was nowhere any shelter anigh. And the Maid to leap sudden from mine arms, that I be free with the Diskos; and I to look swift to her, and to see that she have her knife ready in her hand, that she might chance to aid me. But surely I might not fight in ease of mind, if that Mine Own did be needless in danger; and I caught her very quick by the waist, and set her upon the ground between my feet. And she to make half to refuse; but I to have no time for explaining, and to be sharp that I have her safe; so that I gave her a little shake that did sudden to make her feel the strength in me; and she then to be instant quiet in my hands, and to let me that I set her upon her face, and to cast the thick cloak above her; and in a moment to be stood over her, and to set down the visor of mine head-gear, lest that the bird-monster strike me in the face. And surely, the bird-thing did be scarce an hundred good paces off; and to make two lumbering and monstrous bounds, and to come at me. Yet, truly, it made sudden a pause, because that the Diskos did roar and send out fire, as I made it to spin; but in an instant the great thing to come in at me upon the left side, and to strike me very hard with the bill, that did be so long as mine arm, and had surely gone through my body, if that I had been naked. And the bill of the monster rang upon mine armour; and it smote me twice thiswise, so that I staggered very sick and shaken. But in a moment, as it made to draw off, that it should come the more hard upon me, I swung the Diskos very sure and quick, and I smote the Bird-thing above the place where the great seeming-leathern wing did join upon the right side, as it should be the shoulder of the Bird-monster. And, in verity, the monster gave out a mighty squarking, and went backward this way and that, and beat all about upon the stones, and did strike with the great bill at the place where it did be hurt. And I heeded that I end it swiftly; and I ran in upon it, and the creature to strike at me with the great bill, very savage. But I jumpt speedy to this side, and again to that, and so in a moment to have chance to come in surely. And truly I split the skull of the Bird-thing, so that it died very quick and was gone from pain. And the Bird-creature lay all spread upon the stones and the rock of that place; and surely it did be as that it were leathern, and made somewise as a bat doth be of this age, in that it did have no feathers. And, truly, it lookt mighty, where it did be spread; and indeed the body to be full so big as the body of a young horse; and the bill to be very deadly and sharp and cumbrous, as you to have guessed. And I to be all and utter thankful that it did be there, dead, in the stead of mine own body. And the thing yet to twitch and stir a little, as the life did go from it. And surely I was back then very speedy to the Maid, and she to be kneeled upward to watch me. And I took her into mine arms, and lookt well about; and made then forward again. And about the middle part of the sixth hour of crossing that rocky land, I saw that we did draw near unto the shallow river, that you shall mind I came over, after that I had done with the olden flying ship. And in all that time, since the Bird-monster to come after us, I had seen but two more, and they a great way off, so that I guessed that I was come beyond that part where they did go very frequent. And I to wade over the river, and to carry Mine Own upon one arm, the while that I did sound my way with the staff of the Diskos; and truly I came across very easy, save that I did have to go around somewhat, where that the river did seem to have a deep place. And when that we had crost the river, it did be full one and twenty hours since that we slumbered, as you shall know, if that you but count a little; for you do mind that we spent a certain time within the tree, as I have told; and this not to have been proper counted into the time of our journeying. And surely, the Maid to have been very quiet, since that I did show my strength a little to her, when that I made her to lie, that she be safe from the bill of the Bird-monster. But she not to be anywise in anger upon me; but only, as I do think, that the woman in her did be something fresh waked unto me; and she to be very content that she be quiet in mine arms. Now the place that we were come to, was much spread with boulders; but yet to have the beginnings again of the forests, as you to remember; for I to have made some small remark of the land in this part, upon mine outward way. And we lookt about for a fire-hole, that I should dry my lower garments; and truly, we had not past many in a great while; but we to be in fortune, that we came soon upon a little fire-hill that did be no more than so high as a man, and to have the rock all hot about; so that this did be a good place to our purpose. And I kist the Maid, and set her down out of mine arms; and when that I had lookt well about, and seen that there did be naught to our sight to give us to fear, the Maid to help me with mine armour; and afterward with my garments, and to ease me all ways that she could think of with helpfulness. And she set the garments of my lower parts to dry, and whilst that they did be drying, she to make ready the water and the tablets, and to have me to sit beside her, in my body-vest and gear, and we to eat and drink very comfortable in the warm hollow that was something anigh to the small fire-hill. Now, truly, I did be very hungry that time, and indeed to be alway so, for the tablets did be very unfilling to the belly, as you do well know from my tellings. And when that I did be finished, I saw that the Maid lookt at me somewise oddways, and sudden she to come into laughter, and askt me whether that I did be very empty; and in the same moment there to be a wondrous dear look within her eyes; so that I perceived that there went a mother-note under her impudence. And she to yearn, as I could know, that she have some way to feed me; but truly there did be no way, for we thought not to make to slay aught for our purpose, and we did be feared that we eat any root or plant, lest that we be ill. And this to seem strange to my spirit of this our age, but to be natural unto that; so that I do think I did be so long bred from the primal obtaining of food, that I did be all lost to that which should seem natural unto the peoples of this early age of the world; though we truly to think that the world doth even now be old; and this to have seemed a true thing unto every age that ever did live. Now, beside that we did lack somewise to think serious that we slay something to eat, in that the tablets did actually suffice to our strength, I to believe that there did be some other reason that I do forget, and mayhap never to have thought plain upon; but which to be set within me as an instinct, as we do say; and this to mean, if that I try to set it in other words, that the tablets did keep the body and the spirit in such condition that the Forces of Evil did have the less power to act upon us. Yet, have I no remembering that I was taught in the preparation that I eat naught, save the tablets; and this mayhap never to have been set upon me; but to have been as a thing that doth never need to have been told; even as you shall not tell a grown man in this Age that he shall refrain from dung, and eat only wholesome matter. And truly, I to hope that I have made this thing somewise clear unto you; for, indeed, it doth be something hard to set out; for every Age hath the subtleties peculiar to that Age; and these to be hard to the understanding of other Ages, but yet to seem plain and utter natural, even without thought, unto the Peoples of the Age. And surely all this to be plain to you, and to be over-plain; for, in verity, I tell to you, and over-tell, until that I should be weary; and mayhap you to be the more so. And, indeed, I not to blame you; but only to hope that your understanding, which doth mean also in general your hearts, doth be with me all along my way. And, indeed, this my tale to be not easy told. And, in verity, I to be back now unto the Maid a-laugh upon me, and in the same moment deeply loving and a-lack that she could not feed me, and I to laugh with her, and to have understanding with her, as you to know; and, indeed, I to have an heart that doth be made someways natural unto understanding; so that even though I be dead when you read this, my tale, you to feel that we be friends, and to know that could I meet with you in pitiful trouble, I to have understanding and love to you, if that you be not utter brutish; and even-so, I to be sorrowful that you should be brutish, and to have understanding, in that I to know that by developement you to become wise unto sweetness and charity, and in love with all dear things, and kind pity of the rest. And thiswise you to be in human sympathy with me, because that you do feel that I be honest with you, and somewise even now to your elbow, as you read. And this to be writ now, and you mayhap not to be born a great while yet; but in the end to read and to have understanding with me, and to know how I did love Mine Own. And so we to go forward again, the closer, in that we do be the more knit in dear human sympathy. And surely the Maid kist me very nice on the lips, and did promise again how that she should make me a great meal when that we did come to our Mighty Home; and, indeed, as she to say, she to join with me, and we both to be naughty gluttons for that once. And, surely, I laughed gently at the Maid, because that she should be so dainty a glutton; but for my part, I to feel that I could eat an horse, as we do say in this Age. And by that we had eat and drunk and talked awhile, and lookt oft about, so that we know that no brutish thing came near, to our hurt, the Maid to tell me that my garments did be dry; and she then to give me aid that I dress very quick; and afterward she to help me with mine armour, the which she did wipe after that we had eat and drunk; and she to have had joy that she do this thing, and all things for me; and to have used a part of her torn garments to this end. And so, truly, I to be clothed and armed very speedy, and to feel eased and the more sure in my mind; for in verity, I was alway in unease, when that I did not be ready that I be able to meet any horrid Brute that should be like to come upon us. Now, when that I did be into mine armour again, the Maid to set the scrip and the pouch upon me, and all the while I scarce to be loosed of the Diskos, as ever. And we then to our way, which did be that we find a place proper to our slumber. And when that we did be gone all-ways, and no cave proper to our sight, we found a great tree, that did be set off alone, and had a plenty of branches; but none that did be near to the bottom-part. And surely, I gave the Maid a lift, and held her up so far as mine arms did go, so that she might stand upon the palms of my hands, and be steady against the trunk of the tree; and she thiswise to have a hold upon a branch, and so to go upward. And, truly, when that she was safe, I loosed one of the straps from the pouch and the scrip, and I cast this up to the Maid, and she set it strong about the branch. And when I had caught the downward end, I went upward very easy; and afterward took loose the strap; and this way we did be something safe, as you shall see. And we climbed upward then, and so came to a part of the tree where the branches did be very thick together; and we made here a place for our slumber, and the Maid set the cloak over the branches that did be so close, and afterward we lay down; but first I set the strap about her waist, and thence to a branch, and she to refuse sleep until that I be likewise; so that we did be both very safe from any fall. And she kist me, and we then to our slumber, and very weary; for it did be two and twenty hours, by this, since that we had sleep. Now we had eight hours in which we slept utter; and we both to awake, as it did seem in the same moment; but truly, I to think that Mine Own did be wakeful before that time; for, indeed, as she put her arms very dainty about my neck, that she kiss me, I did have a quick and sudden knowledge that I had been kist oft in my sleep, and this to have been but a little while gone. And surely, it did seem to me that Mine Own did have a sweet and contented Mischief inward of her eyes; but yet she to be very sedate outward, and to kiss me loving and dear, and then we to our breakfast, upon the cloak. And afterward, I climbed to the topmost branches of the tree, and lookt well over the Country all about; but there was no brutish thing to my sight in any place, neither near nor far. And I came down then to the Maid, and told her how that there was quietness of life all about. And we had our gear together, and went downward to the earth, and I to help Mine Own, and this way she to be safe. Now, as we went forward upon our journeying, I perceived that the Maid had a wayward air; and truly, I thought that she did have her heart all set toward naughtiness and mischief; and in the same moment that I was in this belief, I did know in mine understanding that this did spring from the workings of my nature upon the nature of Mine Own Maiden. And Naani to walk, in the first, beside me, and to have no word for me, because that she did be so filled with the stirrings of her naughtiness, that did be in the same moment very sweet unto me, and yet to waken all that did be masterful within me. And she to be that she did know, and to delight, in her secret heart that she waken that which did be masterful in me; but yet in the same moment to be strong determined that she be not mastered by me. And surely this to seem contrarywise in the words; but to be clear to the heart, if indeed you have ever been loved by a dear maid of an high spirit. And above all this, the Maid did be filled with a love for me, that did beat and dance in all her being; and this in truth to overweigh all; but yet from this same thing her dainty naughtiness to be born, because, as I did say, my manhood to stir all her nature up-wise in sweet trouble that did be half of rebellion, and half that she did ache that she be close unto me in mine arms. And, in verity, you to be with me in all these things, if that you have had the love-days beside a dear and dainty maid, of an high and pure and natural spirit; so that if you be old these days, even but the light merriment of a passing maiden to bring a pain of wonderings and golden memories upon your heart. And presently, I saw that Mine Own put a little space between us, as the naughtiness did work in her, as my heart to know; and she to be offward from me a little. And she still to have no speech with me; but in a little to begin that she sing in a low voice; and to have her pretty body very upright and lithesome, and to go forward with a wondrous dainty swing, so that my heart told me that she did all be stirred with small thrillings of defiance unto me, and with thrillings of love; and she to have the triumph of her Maidenhood and of her Womanhood, as it were both to contend in her and to thrill upon her tongue, and to show out the lilting and pretty warfare of her spirit that did go dancing and dearly naughty in her breast. And surely I went, very lifted in my heart, and astir; for it did be wondrous to me that this lovely Maid did be so utter mine. And to see but the way that she set her feet to the earth, and the way that she did lift them sure and dainty; and the way that her body did be poised, and the way of her head; and the way of her naughtiness and the sweetness and the love that did be wrapt in with all, did make me want that I have her in mine arms. But yet, I not to do this, because that in the same time that she did so stir me to love and admirings, she to set somewhat else in me at variance, so that I did half to feel stern with her, for I perceived that she had that naughtiness then within her, that she did be like to have a real intent of impertinence unto me, so that she should be naughtily outrageous, and to have no heed to my advisings, neither unto my desires, unless that I set my hand upon her, to _make_ her to obey. And truly, you that have had dear maids, shall follow mine explainings; but unto others, I know not whether they shall understand, until they too have been possessed of One that shall set all their heart adrift, even as this One that did be Mine Own. And sudden, I to know that Naani did change from her low singing unto an olden air that had surely not been heard in all that eternity. And in verity, for a little while, I not to know why that it did so shake all my heart; nor what it did be; nor whether that I had truly heard it before, or only to think so. And, surely, it did be as that the silence of the olden moonlit world did steal all about me; and sudden, I to know that the Maid did sing an olden love-song of the olden world, and to go halting a little as she sang, because that the words did steal something odd-wise through the far veils of her memory, even as a song doth come backward out of dreams. And I to feel all my blood to seem to tremble in my veins, and my throat to be troubled, as with vague sobs that did be the ghosts of forgotten tears. And the dim sorrow that had come so swift and strange upon me, to be likewise steeped in golden mists of the love that I once did love; and the glamour to be come all fresh upon me, and I to know in that moment how much we do forget, even when that we do believe that we have all memory and all sorrow within our hearts. And I lookt unto the Maid, something dimly, because of the way that I did be; and I perceived in a moment that Mine Own did weep as she walked; but the less with pain than with the strange anguish of Memory, that doth have in it Tenderness and Sorrow and Love and all that Hath Been and all that Did Never Be, and all to make a Vale unto the Spirit, where doth be both a dim greyness and a warm and everlasting light, and an utter speechlessness, and the low and far music of forgotten songs, that do come downward over the shadowy mountains that do be builded of Years and Forgetfulness, and yet made to be seen with the light of that our Memory, which doth cast so many husht shadows. And surely, as I did say, the Maid did weep as she went; but not to be cast down; but rather that she held her head upwise, as that she did walk in a glory. And the song to come oft-broke, and oddly, and to set her voice to little human quiverings, as her memory did shake her sweet spirit unto tears afresh; and she to walk with her pretty head upheld and as that she did go in a Triumph; and the tears to come down strangely upon her face, and all her soul to be there, pure and wondrous, and in the same time both troubled and glad. And this thing to be very dear and amazing; and she to be as that she not to know then that she sang; but as that she did be lost in her thoughts, as we do say, and this to have come sudden upon her, out of all her upliftedness of spirit, that had been like to make her very open unto all subtile and subtle powers of thought and inward stirrings, as you shall think. And again the song to come full-remembered, and fresh, as that this Eternity did be but the yesterday of that moment. And Mine Own to be all in a sweet madness with those half-dreamed memories, and the wonder and pain of all that no man hath ever said, and that shall be never said; and of the utter lost years, and all that hath been lost, and all forgotten greatness and splendour, and the dreadfulness of parting, and the loveliness of beautiful things that do be hid in the abyss of the years. And it did be sudden to my quickened fancy, that there did be low echoes all about us, of the voices of dear beautiful ones that have died; for so did memory set a strange and lovely mystery about my spirit in that moment, that I did be all shaken so much as Mine Own. And I to be as that I drew my breath anigh to tears, and did be there with Naani amid the quiet spareness of the trees and the rock of that part of the land; but yet did be to see half dimly that I stood within a light, even as the light that doth be the wonder of olden sunsets; and I to be, in the same time, both _that_ man and _this_ man that now doth write; and to have beside my spirit but one maid, that I did lack to know whether I say to her Naani or Mirdath; for though the two that have been Mine Own did be different-seeming to the eye, there to be but the spirit of one maid beside me in that moment. And surely, I did be there, all shaken unto the seeing of visions, as it did seem; so that the Land about me to have grown half as that it did lack that it be real unto my sight, because that I lookt inward unto Lands that did be of Memory. And lo! in a moment this to go; and I to be in that Country of the Seas, and to look newly unto Naani, and she to go as I have told; and there to be the lonesome trees and the rocks in all parts for a great way about. And sudden, as I lookt at Mine Own, she to come round unto me, and she held out her arms, and did gaze at me with such a love, as that she were transfigured, and to need strangely that she | creature | How many times the word 'creature' appears in the text? | 3 |
within the metal of mine head-gear, where the guards did come down at the sides; and she to kiss me very sober upon the lips; but yet to mean utter by that kiss. And I not to return the kiss; for I saw that it did not be her need. Now, in the beginning of the fourth hour, as I did go with the Maid, I to see afar off one of the half-bird monsters, that I did see before upon this place where there did be naught save great stones and boulders for a great way that did be many miles. And truly, I to hide very swift with the Maid, where two great boulders did come together; and surely the bird-creature to go past at no great way, and to go with a great bounding, that did be half of flight and half of leaping, as that it did be too weighty in the body to make to fly proper. And, indeed, I to have a sudden memory how that there did be a picture in some book that I did read in the Mighty Pyramid, where it did show such a bird-thing as this; and to make remark in the book that these things had been seen no more in the Night Land for a score thousand of years, or more; and to be extinct, as we do say. But, indeed, now I do think that they did be come downward to that warm Country, a great while gone, and so to have new life and to breed through a great age, and this way to have set a pattern unto the Humans. And, in verity, it might be that in some age that did be far after that time, the Humans to find some way to journey from the Pyramid, and to build a new Refuge in that deep Country; and mayhap the Humans thiswise to have a new space of life, after that all the Night Land did be dead and lost in the bitter frost of Eternity. But this, indeed, to be no more than an odd thought; for how might any great multitude pass the Monsters; and I to ask that you take it for nothing of fact, but only as of my suppositions; and thiswise to come back again to happenings. Now, when the bird-thing did be gone a long way off, I to go forward again with Mine Own, and to have a new care, and to look very swift and frequent everyway. And, truly, it did be as that the creatures did inhabit that part of the Country; for in an hour after that, I to see a good score. And, I to free the Diskos from my hip, and to have it ready in mine arms beside the Maid; and so to journey. And many times I to have to hide with Mine Own, and to crouch low among the rocks and the boulders; and this way to escape free of all for a great while. Yet, when that the fifth hour did be nigh gone, I heard a noise sudden to my back, as we did go over a clear space. And, in verity, there did be one of the monsters that came upward over certain rocks that were to my rearward; and surely it to have been stayed hid there, or resting, and to have heard us or to have smelled us; but anywise then to have knowledge of us, and to come with low and brutish heavy boundings, very lumbersome, after us. And I lookt everyway in a moment; but there was nowhere any shelter anigh. And the Maid to leap sudden from mine arms, that I be free with the Diskos; and I to look swift to her, and to see that she have her knife ready in her hand, that she might chance to aid me. But surely I might not fight in ease of mind, if that Mine Own did be needless in danger; and I caught her very quick by the waist, and set her upon the ground between my feet. And she to make half to refuse; but I to have no time for explaining, and to be sharp that I have her safe; so that I gave her a little shake that did sudden to make her feel the strength in me; and she then to be instant quiet in my hands, and to let me that I set her upon her face, and to cast the thick cloak above her; and in a moment to be stood over her, and to set down the visor of mine head-gear, lest that the bird-monster strike me in the face. And surely, the bird-thing did be scarce an hundred good paces off; and to make two lumbering and monstrous bounds, and to come at me. Yet, truly, it made sudden a pause, because that the Diskos did roar and send out fire, as I made it to spin; but in an instant the great thing to come in at me upon the left side, and to strike me very hard with the bill, that did be so long as mine arm, and had surely gone through my body, if that I had been naked. And the bill of the monster rang upon mine armour; and it smote me twice thiswise, so that I staggered very sick and shaken. But in a moment, as it made to draw off, that it should come the more hard upon me, I swung the Diskos very sure and quick, and I smote the Bird-thing above the place where the great seeming-leathern wing did join upon the right side, as it should be the shoulder of the Bird-monster. And, in verity, the monster gave out a mighty squarking, and went backward this way and that, and beat all about upon the stones, and did strike with the great bill at the place where it did be hurt. And I heeded that I end it swiftly; and I ran in upon it, and the creature to strike at me with the great bill, very savage. But I jumpt speedy to this side, and again to that, and so in a moment to have chance to come in surely. And truly I split the skull of the Bird-thing, so that it died very quick and was gone from pain. And the Bird-creature lay all spread upon the stones and the rock of that place; and surely it did be as that it were leathern, and made somewise as a bat doth be of this age, in that it did have no feathers. And, truly, it lookt mighty, where it did be spread; and indeed the body to be full so big as the body of a young horse; and the bill to be very deadly and sharp and cumbrous, as you to have guessed. And I to be all and utter thankful that it did be there, dead, in the stead of mine own body. And the thing yet to twitch and stir a little, as the life did go from it. And surely I was back then very speedy to the Maid, and she to be kneeled upward to watch me. And I took her into mine arms, and lookt well about; and made then forward again. And about the middle part of the sixth hour of crossing that rocky land, I saw that we did draw near unto the shallow river, that you shall mind I came over, after that I had done with the olden flying ship. And in all that time, since the Bird-monster to come after us, I had seen but two more, and they a great way off, so that I guessed that I was come beyond that part where they did go very frequent. And I to wade over the river, and to carry Mine Own upon one arm, the while that I did sound my way with the staff of the Diskos; and truly I came across very easy, save that I did have to go around somewhat, where that the river did seem to have a deep place. And when that we had crost the river, it did be full one and twenty hours since that we slumbered, as you shall know, if that you but count a little; for you do mind that we spent a certain time within the tree, as I have told; and this not to have been proper counted into the time of our journeying. And surely, the Maid to have been very quiet, since that I did show my strength a little to her, when that I made her to lie, that she be safe from the bill of the Bird-monster. But she not to be anywise in anger upon me; but only, as I do think, that the woman in her did be something fresh waked unto me; and she to be very content that she be quiet in mine arms. Now the place that we were come to, was much spread with boulders; but yet to have the beginnings again of the forests, as you to remember; for I to have made some small remark of the land in this part, upon mine outward way. And we lookt about for a fire-hole, that I should dry my lower garments; and truly, we had not past many in a great while; but we to be in fortune, that we came soon upon a little fire-hill that did be no more than so high as a man, and to have the rock all hot about; so that this did be a good place to our purpose. And I kist the Maid, and set her down out of mine arms; and when that I had lookt well about, and seen that there did be naught to our sight to give us to fear, the Maid to help me with mine armour; and afterward with my garments, and to ease me all ways that she could think of with helpfulness. And she set the garments of my lower parts to dry, and whilst that they did be drying, she to make ready the water and the tablets, and to have me to sit beside her, in my body-vest and gear, and we to eat and drink very comfortable in the warm hollow that was something anigh to the small fire-hill. Now, truly, I did be very hungry that time, and indeed to be alway so, for the tablets did be very unfilling to the belly, as you do well know from my tellings. And when that I did be finished, I saw that the Maid lookt at me somewise oddways, and sudden she to come into laughter, and askt me whether that I did be very empty; and in the same moment there to be a wondrous dear look within her eyes; so that I perceived that there went a mother-note under her impudence. And she to yearn, as I could know, that she have some way to feed me; but truly there did be no way, for we thought not to make to slay aught for our purpose, and we did be feared that we eat any root or plant, lest that we be ill. And this to seem strange to my spirit of this our age, but to be natural unto that; so that I do think I did be so long bred from the primal obtaining of food, that I did be all lost to that which should seem natural unto the peoples of this early age of the world; though we truly to think that the world doth even now be old; and this to have seemed a true thing unto every age that ever did live. Now, beside that we did lack somewise to think serious that we slay something to eat, in that the tablets did actually suffice to our strength, I to believe that there did be some other reason that I do forget, and mayhap never to have thought plain upon; but which to be set within me as an instinct, as we do say; and this to mean, if that I try to set it in other words, that the tablets did keep the body and the spirit in such condition that the Forces of Evil did have the less power to act upon us. Yet, have I no remembering that I was taught in the preparation that I eat naught, save the tablets; and this mayhap never to have been set upon me; but to have been as a thing that doth never need to have been told; even as you shall not tell a grown man in this Age that he shall refrain from dung, and eat only wholesome matter. And truly, I to hope that I have made this thing somewise clear unto you; for, indeed, it doth be something hard to set out; for every Age hath the subtleties peculiar to that Age; and these to be hard to the understanding of other Ages, but yet to seem plain and utter natural, even without thought, unto the Peoples of the Age. And surely all this to be plain to you, and to be over-plain; for, in verity, I tell to you, and over-tell, until that I should be weary; and mayhap you to be the more so. And, indeed, I not to blame you; but only to hope that your understanding, which doth mean also in general your hearts, doth be with me all along my way. And, indeed, this my tale to be not easy told. And, in verity, I to be back now unto the Maid a-laugh upon me, and in the same moment deeply loving and a-lack that she could not feed me, and I to laugh with her, and to have understanding with her, as you to know; and, indeed, I to have an heart that doth be made someways natural unto understanding; so that even though I be dead when you read this, my tale, you to feel that we be friends, and to know that could I meet with you in pitiful trouble, I to have understanding and love to you, if that you be not utter brutish; and even-so, I to be sorrowful that you should be brutish, and to have understanding, in that I to know that by developement you to become wise unto sweetness and charity, and in love with all dear things, and kind pity of the rest. And thiswise you to be in human sympathy with me, because that you do feel that I be honest with you, and somewise even now to your elbow, as you read. And this to be writ now, and you mayhap not to be born a great while yet; but in the end to read and to have understanding with me, and to know how I did love Mine Own. And so we to go forward again, the closer, in that we do be the more knit in dear human sympathy. And surely the Maid kist me very nice on the lips, and did promise again how that she should make me a great meal when that we did come to our Mighty Home; and, indeed, as she to say, she to join with me, and we both to be naughty gluttons for that once. And, surely, I laughed gently at the Maid, because that she should be so dainty a glutton; but for my part, I to feel that I could eat an horse, as we do say in this Age. And by that we had eat and drunk and talked awhile, and lookt oft about, so that we know that no brutish thing came near, to our hurt, the Maid to tell me that my garments did be dry; and she then to give me aid that I dress very quick; and afterward she to help me with mine armour, the which she did wipe after that we had eat and drunk; and she to have had joy that she do this thing, and all things for me; and to have used a part of her torn garments to this end. And so, truly, I to be clothed and armed very speedy, and to feel eased and the more sure in my mind; for in verity, I was alway in unease, when that I did not be ready that I be able to meet any horrid Brute that should be like to come upon us. Now, when that I did be into mine armour again, the Maid to set the scrip and the pouch upon me, and all the while I scarce to be loosed of the Diskos, as ever. And we then to our way, which did be that we find a place proper to our slumber. And when that we did be gone all-ways, and no cave proper to our sight, we found a great tree, that did be set off alone, and had a plenty of branches; but none that did be near to the bottom-part. And surely, I gave the Maid a lift, and held her up so far as mine arms did go, so that she might stand upon the palms of my hands, and be steady against the trunk of the tree; and she thiswise to have a hold upon a branch, and so to go upward. And, truly, when that she was safe, I loosed one of the straps from the pouch and the scrip, and I cast this up to the Maid, and she set it strong about the branch. And when I had caught the downward end, I went upward very easy; and afterward took loose the strap; and this way we did be something safe, as you shall see. And we climbed upward then, and so came to a part of the tree where the branches did be very thick together; and we made here a place for our slumber, and the Maid set the cloak over the branches that did be so close, and afterward we lay down; but first I set the strap about her waist, and thence to a branch, and she to refuse sleep until that I be likewise; so that we did be both very safe from any fall. And she kist me, and we then to our slumber, and very weary; for it did be two and twenty hours, by this, since that we had sleep. Now we had eight hours in which we slept utter; and we both to awake, as it did seem in the same moment; but truly, I to think that Mine Own did be wakeful before that time; for, indeed, as she put her arms very dainty about my neck, that she kiss me, I did have a quick and sudden knowledge that I had been kist oft in my sleep, and this to have been but a little while gone. And surely, it did seem to me that Mine Own did have a sweet and contented Mischief inward of her eyes; but yet she to be very sedate outward, and to kiss me loving and dear, and then we to our breakfast, upon the cloak. And afterward, I climbed to the topmost branches of the tree, and lookt well over the Country all about; but there was no brutish thing to my sight in any place, neither near nor far. And I came down then to the Maid, and told her how that there was quietness of life all about. And we had our gear together, and went downward to the earth, and I to help Mine Own, and this way she to be safe. Now, as we went forward upon our journeying, I perceived that the Maid had a wayward air; and truly, I thought that she did have her heart all set toward naughtiness and mischief; and in the same moment that I was in this belief, I did know in mine understanding that this did spring from the workings of my nature upon the nature of Mine Own Maiden. And Naani to walk, in the first, beside me, and to have no word for me, because that she did be so filled with the stirrings of her naughtiness, that did be in the same moment very sweet unto me, and yet to waken all that did be masterful within me. And she to be that she did know, and to delight, in her secret heart that she waken that which did be masterful in me; but yet in the same moment to be strong determined that she be not mastered by me. And surely this to seem contrarywise in the words; but to be clear to the heart, if indeed you have ever been loved by a dear maid of an high spirit. And above all this, the Maid did be filled with a love for me, that did beat and dance in all her being; and this in truth to overweigh all; but yet from this same thing her dainty naughtiness to be born, because, as I did say, my manhood to stir all her nature up-wise in sweet trouble that did be half of rebellion, and half that she did ache that she be close unto me in mine arms. And, in verity, you to be with me in all these things, if that you have had the love-days beside a dear and dainty maid, of an high and pure and natural spirit; so that if you be old these days, even but the light merriment of a passing maiden to bring a pain of wonderings and golden memories upon your heart. And presently, I saw that Mine Own put a little space between us, as the naughtiness did work in her, as my heart to know; and she to be offward from me a little. And she still to have no speech with me; but in a little to begin that she sing in a low voice; and to have her pretty body very upright and lithesome, and to go forward with a wondrous dainty swing, so that my heart told me that she did all be stirred with small thrillings of defiance unto me, and with thrillings of love; and she to have the triumph of her Maidenhood and of her Womanhood, as it were both to contend in her and to thrill upon her tongue, and to show out the lilting and pretty warfare of her spirit that did go dancing and dearly naughty in her breast. And surely I went, very lifted in my heart, and astir; for it did be wondrous to me that this lovely Maid did be so utter mine. And to see but the way that she set her feet to the earth, and the way that she did lift them sure and dainty; and the way that her body did be poised, and the way of her head; and the way of her naughtiness and the sweetness and the love that did be wrapt in with all, did make me want that I have her in mine arms. But yet, I not to do this, because that in the same time that she did so stir me to love and admirings, she to set somewhat else in me at variance, so that I did half to feel stern with her, for I perceived that she had that naughtiness then within her, that she did be like to have a real intent of impertinence unto me, so that she should be naughtily outrageous, and to have no heed to my advisings, neither unto my desires, unless that I set my hand upon her, to _make_ her to obey. And truly, you that have had dear maids, shall follow mine explainings; but unto others, I know not whether they shall understand, until they too have been possessed of One that shall set all their heart adrift, even as this One that did be Mine Own. And sudden, I to know that Naani did change from her low singing unto an olden air that had surely not been heard in all that eternity. And in verity, for a little while, I not to know why that it did so shake all my heart; nor what it did be; nor whether that I had truly heard it before, or only to think so. And, surely, it did be as that the silence of the olden moonlit world did steal all about me; and sudden, I to know that the Maid did sing an olden love-song of the olden world, and to go halting a little as she sang, because that the words did steal something odd-wise through the far veils of her memory, even as a song doth come backward out of dreams. And I to feel all my blood to seem to tremble in my veins, and my throat to be troubled, as with vague sobs that did be the ghosts of forgotten tears. And the dim sorrow that had come so swift and strange upon me, to be likewise steeped in golden mists of the love that I once did love; and the glamour to be come all fresh upon me, and I to know in that moment how much we do forget, even when that we do believe that we have all memory and all sorrow within our hearts. And I lookt unto the Maid, something dimly, because of the way that I did be; and I perceived in a moment that Mine Own did weep as she walked; but the less with pain than with the strange anguish of Memory, that doth have in it Tenderness and Sorrow and Love and all that Hath Been and all that Did Never Be, and all to make a Vale unto the Spirit, where doth be both a dim greyness and a warm and everlasting light, and an utter speechlessness, and the low and far music of forgotten songs, that do come downward over the shadowy mountains that do be builded of Years and Forgetfulness, and yet made to be seen with the light of that our Memory, which doth cast so many husht shadows. And surely, as I did say, the Maid did weep as she went; but not to be cast down; but rather that she held her head upwise, as that she did walk in a glory. And the song to come oft-broke, and oddly, and to set her voice to little human quiverings, as her memory did shake her sweet spirit unto tears afresh; and she to walk with her pretty head upheld and as that she did go in a Triumph; and the tears to come down strangely upon her face, and all her soul to be there, pure and wondrous, and in the same time both troubled and glad. And this thing to be very dear and amazing; and she to be as that she not to know then that she sang; but as that she did be lost in her thoughts, as we do say, and this to have come sudden upon her, out of all her upliftedness of spirit, that had been like to make her very open unto all subtile and subtle powers of thought and inward stirrings, as you shall think. And again the song to come full-remembered, and fresh, as that this Eternity did be but the yesterday of that moment. And Mine Own to be all in a sweet madness with those half-dreamed memories, and the wonder and pain of all that no man hath ever said, and that shall be never said; and of the utter lost years, and all that hath been lost, and all forgotten greatness and splendour, and the dreadfulness of parting, and the loveliness of beautiful things that do be hid in the abyss of the years. And it did be sudden to my quickened fancy, that there did be low echoes all about us, of the voices of dear beautiful ones that have died; for so did memory set a strange and lovely mystery about my spirit in that moment, that I did be all shaken so much as Mine Own. And I to be as that I drew my breath anigh to tears, and did be there with Naani amid the quiet spareness of the trees and the rock of that part of the land; but yet did be to see half dimly that I stood within a light, even as the light that doth be the wonder of olden sunsets; and I to be, in the same time, both _that_ man and _this_ man that now doth write; and to have beside my spirit but one maid, that I did lack to know whether I say to her Naani or Mirdath; for though the two that have been Mine Own did be different-seeming to the eye, there to be but the spirit of one maid beside me in that moment. And surely, I did be there, all shaken unto the seeing of visions, as it did seem; so that the Land about me to have grown half as that it did lack that it be real unto my sight, because that I lookt inward unto Lands that did be of Memory. And lo! in a moment this to go; and I to be in that Country of the Seas, and to look newly unto Naani, and she to go as I have told; and there to be the lonesome trees and the rocks in all parts for a great way about. And sudden, as I lookt at Mine Own, she to come round unto me, and she held out her arms, and did gaze at me with such a love, as that she were transfigured, and to need strangely that she | serve | How many times the word 'serve' appears in the text? | 0 |
within the metal of mine head-gear, where the guards did come down at the sides; and she to kiss me very sober upon the lips; but yet to mean utter by that kiss. And I not to return the kiss; for I saw that it did not be her need. Now, in the beginning of the fourth hour, as I did go with the Maid, I to see afar off one of the half-bird monsters, that I did see before upon this place where there did be naught save great stones and boulders for a great way that did be many miles. And truly, I to hide very swift with the Maid, where two great boulders did come together; and surely the bird-creature to go past at no great way, and to go with a great bounding, that did be half of flight and half of leaping, as that it did be too weighty in the body to make to fly proper. And, indeed, I to have a sudden memory how that there did be a picture in some book that I did read in the Mighty Pyramid, where it did show such a bird-thing as this; and to make remark in the book that these things had been seen no more in the Night Land for a score thousand of years, or more; and to be extinct, as we do say. But, indeed, now I do think that they did be come downward to that warm Country, a great while gone, and so to have new life and to breed through a great age, and this way to have set a pattern unto the Humans. And, in verity, it might be that in some age that did be far after that time, the Humans to find some way to journey from the Pyramid, and to build a new Refuge in that deep Country; and mayhap the Humans thiswise to have a new space of life, after that all the Night Land did be dead and lost in the bitter frost of Eternity. But this, indeed, to be no more than an odd thought; for how might any great multitude pass the Monsters; and I to ask that you take it for nothing of fact, but only as of my suppositions; and thiswise to come back again to happenings. Now, when the bird-thing did be gone a long way off, I to go forward again with Mine Own, and to have a new care, and to look very swift and frequent everyway. And, truly, it did be as that the creatures did inhabit that part of the Country; for in an hour after that, I to see a good score. And, I to free the Diskos from my hip, and to have it ready in mine arms beside the Maid; and so to journey. And many times I to have to hide with Mine Own, and to crouch low among the rocks and the boulders; and this way to escape free of all for a great while. Yet, when that the fifth hour did be nigh gone, I heard a noise sudden to my back, as we did go over a clear space. And, in verity, there did be one of the monsters that came upward over certain rocks that were to my rearward; and surely it to have been stayed hid there, or resting, and to have heard us or to have smelled us; but anywise then to have knowledge of us, and to come with low and brutish heavy boundings, very lumbersome, after us. And I lookt everyway in a moment; but there was nowhere any shelter anigh. And the Maid to leap sudden from mine arms, that I be free with the Diskos; and I to look swift to her, and to see that she have her knife ready in her hand, that she might chance to aid me. But surely I might not fight in ease of mind, if that Mine Own did be needless in danger; and I caught her very quick by the waist, and set her upon the ground between my feet. And she to make half to refuse; but I to have no time for explaining, and to be sharp that I have her safe; so that I gave her a little shake that did sudden to make her feel the strength in me; and she then to be instant quiet in my hands, and to let me that I set her upon her face, and to cast the thick cloak above her; and in a moment to be stood over her, and to set down the visor of mine head-gear, lest that the bird-monster strike me in the face. And surely, the bird-thing did be scarce an hundred good paces off; and to make two lumbering and monstrous bounds, and to come at me. Yet, truly, it made sudden a pause, because that the Diskos did roar and send out fire, as I made it to spin; but in an instant the great thing to come in at me upon the left side, and to strike me very hard with the bill, that did be so long as mine arm, and had surely gone through my body, if that I had been naked. And the bill of the monster rang upon mine armour; and it smote me twice thiswise, so that I staggered very sick and shaken. But in a moment, as it made to draw off, that it should come the more hard upon me, I swung the Diskos very sure and quick, and I smote the Bird-thing above the place where the great seeming-leathern wing did join upon the right side, as it should be the shoulder of the Bird-monster. And, in verity, the monster gave out a mighty squarking, and went backward this way and that, and beat all about upon the stones, and did strike with the great bill at the place where it did be hurt. And I heeded that I end it swiftly; and I ran in upon it, and the creature to strike at me with the great bill, very savage. But I jumpt speedy to this side, and again to that, and so in a moment to have chance to come in surely. And truly I split the skull of the Bird-thing, so that it died very quick and was gone from pain. And the Bird-creature lay all spread upon the stones and the rock of that place; and surely it did be as that it were leathern, and made somewise as a bat doth be of this age, in that it did have no feathers. And, truly, it lookt mighty, where it did be spread; and indeed the body to be full so big as the body of a young horse; and the bill to be very deadly and sharp and cumbrous, as you to have guessed. And I to be all and utter thankful that it did be there, dead, in the stead of mine own body. And the thing yet to twitch and stir a little, as the life did go from it. And surely I was back then very speedy to the Maid, and she to be kneeled upward to watch me. And I took her into mine arms, and lookt well about; and made then forward again. And about the middle part of the sixth hour of crossing that rocky land, I saw that we did draw near unto the shallow river, that you shall mind I came over, after that I had done with the olden flying ship. And in all that time, since the Bird-monster to come after us, I had seen but two more, and they a great way off, so that I guessed that I was come beyond that part where they did go very frequent. And I to wade over the river, and to carry Mine Own upon one arm, the while that I did sound my way with the staff of the Diskos; and truly I came across very easy, save that I did have to go around somewhat, where that the river did seem to have a deep place. And when that we had crost the river, it did be full one and twenty hours since that we slumbered, as you shall know, if that you but count a little; for you do mind that we spent a certain time within the tree, as I have told; and this not to have been proper counted into the time of our journeying. And surely, the Maid to have been very quiet, since that I did show my strength a little to her, when that I made her to lie, that she be safe from the bill of the Bird-monster. But she not to be anywise in anger upon me; but only, as I do think, that the woman in her did be something fresh waked unto me; and she to be very content that she be quiet in mine arms. Now the place that we were come to, was much spread with boulders; but yet to have the beginnings again of the forests, as you to remember; for I to have made some small remark of the land in this part, upon mine outward way. And we lookt about for a fire-hole, that I should dry my lower garments; and truly, we had not past many in a great while; but we to be in fortune, that we came soon upon a little fire-hill that did be no more than so high as a man, and to have the rock all hot about; so that this did be a good place to our purpose. And I kist the Maid, and set her down out of mine arms; and when that I had lookt well about, and seen that there did be naught to our sight to give us to fear, the Maid to help me with mine armour; and afterward with my garments, and to ease me all ways that she could think of with helpfulness. And she set the garments of my lower parts to dry, and whilst that they did be drying, she to make ready the water and the tablets, and to have me to sit beside her, in my body-vest and gear, and we to eat and drink very comfortable in the warm hollow that was something anigh to the small fire-hill. Now, truly, I did be very hungry that time, and indeed to be alway so, for the tablets did be very unfilling to the belly, as you do well know from my tellings. And when that I did be finished, I saw that the Maid lookt at me somewise oddways, and sudden she to come into laughter, and askt me whether that I did be very empty; and in the same moment there to be a wondrous dear look within her eyes; so that I perceived that there went a mother-note under her impudence. And she to yearn, as I could know, that she have some way to feed me; but truly there did be no way, for we thought not to make to slay aught for our purpose, and we did be feared that we eat any root or plant, lest that we be ill. And this to seem strange to my spirit of this our age, but to be natural unto that; so that I do think I did be so long bred from the primal obtaining of food, that I did be all lost to that which should seem natural unto the peoples of this early age of the world; though we truly to think that the world doth even now be old; and this to have seemed a true thing unto every age that ever did live. Now, beside that we did lack somewise to think serious that we slay something to eat, in that the tablets did actually suffice to our strength, I to believe that there did be some other reason that I do forget, and mayhap never to have thought plain upon; but which to be set within me as an instinct, as we do say; and this to mean, if that I try to set it in other words, that the tablets did keep the body and the spirit in such condition that the Forces of Evil did have the less power to act upon us. Yet, have I no remembering that I was taught in the preparation that I eat naught, save the tablets; and this mayhap never to have been set upon me; but to have been as a thing that doth never need to have been told; even as you shall not tell a grown man in this Age that he shall refrain from dung, and eat only wholesome matter. And truly, I to hope that I have made this thing somewise clear unto you; for, indeed, it doth be something hard to set out; for every Age hath the subtleties peculiar to that Age; and these to be hard to the understanding of other Ages, but yet to seem plain and utter natural, even without thought, unto the Peoples of the Age. And surely all this to be plain to you, and to be over-plain; for, in verity, I tell to you, and over-tell, until that I should be weary; and mayhap you to be the more so. And, indeed, I not to blame you; but only to hope that your understanding, which doth mean also in general your hearts, doth be with me all along my way. And, indeed, this my tale to be not easy told. And, in verity, I to be back now unto the Maid a-laugh upon me, and in the same moment deeply loving and a-lack that she could not feed me, and I to laugh with her, and to have understanding with her, as you to know; and, indeed, I to have an heart that doth be made someways natural unto understanding; so that even though I be dead when you read this, my tale, you to feel that we be friends, and to know that could I meet with you in pitiful trouble, I to have understanding and love to you, if that you be not utter brutish; and even-so, I to be sorrowful that you should be brutish, and to have understanding, in that I to know that by developement you to become wise unto sweetness and charity, and in love with all dear things, and kind pity of the rest. And thiswise you to be in human sympathy with me, because that you do feel that I be honest with you, and somewise even now to your elbow, as you read. And this to be writ now, and you mayhap not to be born a great while yet; but in the end to read and to have understanding with me, and to know how I did love Mine Own. And so we to go forward again, the closer, in that we do be the more knit in dear human sympathy. And surely the Maid kist me very nice on the lips, and did promise again how that she should make me a great meal when that we did come to our Mighty Home; and, indeed, as she to say, she to join with me, and we both to be naughty gluttons for that once. And, surely, I laughed gently at the Maid, because that she should be so dainty a glutton; but for my part, I to feel that I could eat an horse, as we do say in this Age. And by that we had eat and drunk and talked awhile, and lookt oft about, so that we know that no brutish thing came near, to our hurt, the Maid to tell me that my garments did be dry; and she then to give me aid that I dress very quick; and afterward she to help me with mine armour, the which she did wipe after that we had eat and drunk; and she to have had joy that she do this thing, and all things for me; and to have used a part of her torn garments to this end. And so, truly, I to be clothed and armed very speedy, and to feel eased and the more sure in my mind; for in verity, I was alway in unease, when that I did not be ready that I be able to meet any horrid Brute that should be like to come upon us. Now, when that I did be into mine armour again, the Maid to set the scrip and the pouch upon me, and all the while I scarce to be loosed of the Diskos, as ever. And we then to our way, which did be that we find a place proper to our slumber. And when that we did be gone all-ways, and no cave proper to our sight, we found a great tree, that did be set off alone, and had a plenty of branches; but none that did be near to the bottom-part. And surely, I gave the Maid a lift, and held her up so far as mine arms did go, so that she might stand upon the palms of my hands, and be steady against the trunk of the tree; and she thiswise to have a hold upon a branch, and so to go upward. And, truly, when that she was safe, I loosed one of the straps from the pouch and the scrip, and I cast this up to the Maid, and she set it strong about the branch. And when I had caught the downward end, I went upward very easy; and afterward took loose the strap; and this way we did be something safe, as you shall see. And we climbed upward then, and so came to a part of the tree where the branches did be very thick together; and we made here a place for our slumber, and the Maid set the cloak over the branches that did be so close, and afterward we lay down; but first I set the strap about her waist, and thence to a branch, and she to refuse sleep until that I be likewise; so that we did be both very safe from any fall. And she kist me, and we then to our slumber, and very weary; for it did be two and twenty hours, by this, since that we had sleep. Now we had eight hours in which we slept utter; and we both to awake, as it did seem in the same moment; but truly, I to think that Mine Own did be wakeful before that time; for, indeed, as she put her arms very dainty about my neck, that she kiss me, I did have a quick and sudden knowledge that I had been kist oft in my sleep, and this to have been but a little while gone. And surely, it did seem to me that Mine Own did have a sweet and contented Mischief inward of her eyes; but yet she to be very sedate outward, and to kiss me loving and dear, and then we to our breakfast, upon the cloak. And afterward, I climbed to the topmost branches of the tree, and lookt well over the Country all about; but there was no brutish thing to my sight in any place, neither near nor far. And I came down then to the Maid, and told her how that there was quietness of life all about. And we had our gear together, and went downward to the earth, and I to help Mine Own, and this way she to be safe. Now, as we went forward upon our journeying, I perceived that the Maid had a wayward air; and truly, I thought that she did have her heart all set toward naughtiness and mischief; and in the same moment that I was in this belief, I did know in mine understanding that this did spring from the workings of my nature upon the nature of Mine Own Maiden. And Naani to walk, in the first, beside me, and to have no word for me, because that she did be so filled with the stirrings of her naughtiness, that did be in the same moment very sweet unto me, and yet to waken all that did be masterful within me. And she to be that she did know, and to delight, in her secret heart that she waken that which did be masterful in me; but yet in the same moment to be strong determined that she be not mastered by me. And surely this to seem contrarywise in the words; but to be clear to the heart, if indeed you have ever been loved by a dear maid of an high spirit. And above all this, the Maid did be filled with a love for me, that did beat and dance in all her being; and this in truth to overweigh all; but yet from this same thing her dainty naughtiness to be born, because, as I did say, my manhood to stir all her nature up-wise in sweet trouble that did be half of rebellion, and half that she did ache that she be close unto me in mine arms. And, in verity, you to be with me in all these things, if that you have had the love-days beside a dear and dainty maid, of an high and pure and natural spirit; so that if you be old these days, even but the light merriment of a passing maiden to bring a pain of wonderings and golden memories upon your heart. And presently, I saw that Mine Own put a little space between us, as the naughtiness did work in her, as my heart to know; and she to be offward from me a little. And she still to have no speech with me; but in a little to begin that she sing in a low voice; and to have her pretty body very upright and lithesome, and to go forward with a wondrous dainty swing, so that my heart told me that she did all be stirred with small thrillings of defiance unto me, and with thrillings of love; and she to have the triumph of her Maidenhood and of her Womanhood, as it were both to contend in her and to thrill upon her tongue, and to show out the lilting and pretty warfare of her spirit that did go dancing and dearly naughty in her breast. And surely I went, very lifted in my heart, and astir; for it did be wondrous to me that this lovely Maid did be so utter mine. And to see but the way that she set her feet to the earth, and the way that she did lift them sure and dainty; and the way that her body did be poised, and the way of her head; and the way of her naughtiness and the sweetness and the love that did be wrapt in with all, did make me want that I have her in mine arms. But yet, I not to do this, because that in the same time that she did so stir me to love and admirings, she to set somewhat else in me at variance, so that I did half to feel stern with her, for I perceived that she had that naughtiness then within her, that she did be like to have a real intent of impertinence unto me, so that she should be naughtily outrageous, and to have no heed to my advisings, neither unto my desires, unless that I set my hand upon her, to _make_ her to obey. And truly, you that have had dear maids, shall follow mine explainings; but unto others, I know not whether they shall understand, until they too have been possessed of One that shall set all their heart adrift, even as this One that did be Mine Own. And sudden, I to know that Naani did change from her low singing unto an olden air that had surely not been heard in all that eternity. And in verity, for a little while, I not to know why that it did so shake all my heart; nor what it did be; nor whether that I had truly heard it before, or only to think so. And, surely, it did be as that the silence of the olden moonlit world did steal all about me; and sudden, I to know that the Maid did sing an olden love-song of the olden world, and to go halting a little as she sang, because that the words did steal something odd-wise through the far veils of her memory, even as a song doth come backward out of dreams. And I to feel all my blood to seem to tremble in my veins, and my throat to be troubled, as with vague sobs that did be the ghosts of forgotten tears. And the dim sorrow that had come so swift and strange upon me, to be likewise steeped in golden mists of the love that I once did love; and the glamour to be come all fresh upon me, and I to know in that moment how much we do forget, even when that we do believe that we have all memory and all sorrow within our hearts. And I lookt unto the Maid, something dimly, because of the way that I did be; and I perceived in a moment that Mine Own did weep as she walked; but the less with pain than with the strange anguish of Memory, that doth have in it Tenderness and Sorrow and Love and all that Hath Been and all that Did Never Be, and all to make a Vale unto the Spirit, where doth be both a dim greyness and a warm and everlasting light, and an utter speechlessness, and the low and far music of forgotten songs, that do come downward over the shadowy mountains that do be builded of Years and Forgetfulness, and yet made to be seen with the light of that our Memory, which doth cast so many husht shadows. And surely, as I did say, the Maid did weep as she went; but not to be cast down; but rather that she held her head upwise, as that she did walk in a glory. And the song to come oft-broke, and oddly, and to set her voice to little human quiverings, as her memory did shake her sweet spirit unto tears afresh; and she to walk with her pretty head upheld and as that she did go in a Triumph; and the tears to come down strangely upon her face, and all her soul to be there, pure and wondrous, and in the same time both troubled and glad. And this thing to be very dear and amazing; and she to be as that she not to know then that she sang; but as that she did be lost in her thoughts, as we do say, and this to have come sudden upon her, out of all her upliftedness of spirit, that had been like to make her very open unto all subtile and subtle powers of thought and inward stirrings, as you shall think. And again the song to come full-remembered, and fresh, as that this Eternity did be but the yesterday of that moment. And Mine Own to be all in a sweet madness with those half-dreamed memories, and the wonder and pain of all that no man hath ever said, and that shall be never said; and of the utter lost years, and all that hath been lost, and all forgotten greatness and splendour, and the dreadfulness of parting, and the loveliness of beautiful things that do be hid in the abyss of the years. And it did be sudden to my quickened fancy, that there did be low echoes all about us, of the voices of dear beautiful ones that have died; for so did memory set a strange and lovely mystery about my spirit in that moment, that I did be all shaken so much as Mine Own. And I to be as that I drew my breath anigh to tears, and did be there with Naani amid the quiet spareness of the trees and the rock of that part of the land; but yet did be to see half dimly that I stood within a light, even as the light that doth be the wonder of olden sunsets; and I to be, in the same time, both _that_ man and _this_ man that now doth write; and to have beside my spirit but one maid, that I did lack to know whether I say to her Naani or Mirdath; for though the two that have been Mine Own did be different-seeming to the eye, there to be but the spirit of one maid beside me in that moment. And surely, I did be there, all shaken unto the seeing of visions, as it did seem; so that the Land about me to have grown half as that it did lack that it be real unto my sight, because that I lookt inward unto Lands that did be of Memory. And lo! in a moment this to go; and I to be in that Country of the Seas, and to look newly unto Naani, and she to go as I have told; and there to be the lonesome trees and the rocks in all parts for a great way about. And sudden, as I lookt at Mine Own, she to come round unto me, and she held out her arms, and did gaze at me with such a love, as that she were transfigured, and to need strangely that she | middle | How many times the word 'middle' appears in the text? | 1 |
within the metal of mine head-gear, where the guards did come down at the sides; and she to kiss me very sober upon the lips; but yet to mean utter by that kiss. And I not to return the kiss; for I saw that it did not be her need. Now, in the beginning of the fourth hour, as I did go with the Maid, I to see afar off one of the half-bird monsters, that I did see before upon this place where there did be naught save great stones and boulders for a great way that did be many miles. And truly, I to hide very swift with the Maid, where two great boulders did come together; and surely the bird-creature to go past at no great way, and to go with a great bounding, that did be half of flight and half of leaping, as that it did be too weighty in the body to make to fly proper. And, indeed, I to have a sudden memory how that there did be a picture in some book that I did read in the Mighty Pyramid, where it did show such a bird-thing as this; and to make remark in the book that these things had been seen no more in the Night Land for a score thousand of years, or more; and to be extinct, as we do say. But, indeed, now I do think that they did be come downward to that warm Country, a great while gone, and so to have new life and to breed through a great age, and this way to have set a pattern unto the Humans. And, in verity, it might be that in some age that did be far after that time, the Humans to find some way to journey from the Pyramid, and to build a new Refuge in that deep Country; and mayhap the Humans thiswise to have a new space of life, after that all the Night Land did be dead and lost in the bitter frost of Eternity. But this, indeed, to be no more than an odd thought; for how might any great multitude pass the Monsters; and I to ask that you take it for nothing of fact, but only as of my suppositions; and thiswise to come back again to happenings. Now, when the bird-thing did be gone a long way off, I to go forward again with Mine Own, and to have a new care, and to look very swift and frequent everyway. And, truly, it did be as that the creatures did inhabit that part of the Country; for in an hour after that, I to see a good score. And, I to free the Diskos from my hip, and to have it ready in mine arms beside the Maid; and so to journey. And many times I to have to hide with Mine Own, and to crouch low among the rocks and the boulders; and this way to escape free of all for a great while. Yet, when that the fifth hour did be nigh gone, I heard a noise sudden to my back, as we did go over a clear space. And, in verity, there did be one of the monsters that came upward over certain rocks that were to my rearward; and surely it to have been stayed hid there, or resting, and to have heard us or to have smelled us; but anywise then to have knowledge of us, and to come with low and brutish heavy boundings, very lumbersome, after us. And I lookt everyway in a moment; but there was nowhere any shelter anigh. And the Maid to leap sudden from mine arms, that I be free with the Diskos; and I to look swift to her, and to see that she have her knife ready in her hand, that she might chance to aid me. But surely I might not fight in ease of mind, if that Mine Own did be needless in danger; and I caught her very quick by the waist, and set her upon the ground between my feet. And she to make half to refuse; but I to have no time for explaining, and to be sharp that I have her safe; so that I gave her a little shake that did sudden to make her feel the strength in me; and she then to be instant quiet in my hands, and to let me that I set her upon her face, and to cast the thick cloak above her; and in a moment to be stood over her, and to set down the visor of mine head-gear, lest that the bird-monster strike me in the face. And surely, the bird-thing did be scarce an hundred good paces off; and to make two lumbering and monstrous bounds, and to come at me. Yet, truly, it made sudden a pause, because that the Diskos did roar and send out fire, as I made it to spin; but in an instant the great thing to come in at me upon the left side, and to strike me very hard with the bill, that did be so long as mine arm, and had surely gone through my body, if that I had been naked. And the bill of the monster rang upon mine armour; and it smote me twice thiswise, so that I staggered very sick and shaken. But in a moment, as it made to draw off, that it should come the more hard upon me, I swung the Diskos very sure and quick, and I smote the Bird-thing above the place where the great seeming-leathern wing did join upon the right side, as it should be the shoulder of the Bird-monster. And, in verity, the monster gave out a mighty squarking, and went backward this way and that, and beat all about upon the stones, and did strike with the great bill at the place where it did be hurt. And I heeded that I end it swiftly; and I ran in upon it, and the creature to strike at me with the great bill, very savage. But I jumpt speedy to this side, and again to that, and so in a moment to have chance to come in surely. And truly I split the skull of the Bird-thing, so that it died very quick and was gone from pain. And the Bird-creature lay all spread upon the stones and the rock of that place; and surely it did be as that it were leathern, and made somewise as a bat doth be of this age, in that it did have no feathers. And, truly, it lookt mighty, where it did be spread; and indeed the body to be full so big as the body of a young horse; and the bill to be very deadly and sharp and cumbrous, as you to have guessed. And I to be all and utter thankful that it did be there, dead, in the stead of mine own body. And the thing yet to twitch and stir a little, as the life did go from it. And surely I was back then very speedy to the Maid, and she to be kneeled upward to watch me. And I took her into mine arms, and lookt well about; and made then forward again. And about the middle part of the sixth hour of crossing that rocky land, I saw that we did draw near unto the shallow river, that you shall mind I came over, after that I had done with the olden flying ship. And in all that time, since the Bird-monster to come after us, I had seen but two more, and they a great way off, so that I guessed that I was come beyond that part where they did go very frequent. And I to wade over the river, and to carry Mine Own upon one arm, the while that I did sound my way with the staff of the Diskos; and truly I came across very easy, save that I did have to go around somewhat, where that the river did seem to have a deep place. And when that we had crost the river, it did be full one and twenty hours since that we slumbered, as you shall know, if that you but count a little; for you do mind that we spent a certain time within the tree, as I have told; and this not to have been proper counted into the time of our journeying. And surely, the Maid to have been very quiet, since that I did show my strength a little to her, when that I made her to lie, that she be safe from the bill of the Bird-monster. But she not to be anywise in anger upon me; but only, as I do think, that the woman in her did be something fresh waked unto me; and she to be very content that she be quiet in mine arms. Now the place that we were come to, was much spread with boulders; but yet to have the beginnings again of the forests, as you to remember; for I to have made some small remark of the land in this part, upon mine outward way. And we lookt about for a fire-hole, that I should dry my lower garments; and truly, we had not past many in a great while; but we to be in fortune, that we came soon upon a little fire-hill that did be no more than so high as a man, and to have the rock all hot about; so that this did be a good place to our purpose. And I kist the Maid, and set her down out of mine arms; and when that I had lookt well about, and seen that there did be naught to our sight to give us to fear, the Maid to help me with mine armour; and afterward with my garments, and to ease me all ways that she could think of with helpfulness. And she set the garments of my lower parts to dry, and whilst that they did be drying, she to make ready the water and the tablets, and to have me to sit beside her, in my body-vest and gear, and we to eat and drink very comfortable in the warm hollow that was something anigh to the small fire-hill. Now, truly, I did be very hungry that time, and indeed to be alway so, for the tablets did be very unfilling to the belly, as you do well know from my tellings. And when that I did be finished, I saw that the Maid lookt at me somewise oddways, and sudden she to come into laughter, and askt me whether that I did be very empty; and in the same moment there to be a wondrous dear look within her eyes; so that I perceived that there went a mother-note under her impudence. And she to yearn, as I could know, that she have some way to feed me; but truly there did be no way, for we thought not to make to slay aught for our purpose, and we did be feared that we eat any root or plant, lest that we be ill. And this to seem strange to my spirit of this our age, but to be natural unto that; so that I do think I did be so long bred from the primal obtaining of food, that I did be all lost to that which should seem natural unto the peoples of this early age of the world; though we truly to think that the world doth even now be old; and this to have seemed a true thing unto every age that ever did live. Now, beside that we did lack somewise to think serious that we slay something to eat, in that the tablets did actually suffice to our strength, I to believe that there did be some other reason that I do forget, and mayhap never to have thought plain upon; but which to be set within me as an instinct, as we do say; and this to mean, if that I try to set it in other words, that the tablets did keep the body and the spirit in such condition that the Forces of Evil did have the less power to act upon us. Yet, have I no remembering that I was taught in the preparation that I eat naught, save the tablets; and this mayhap never to have been set upon me; but to have been as a thing that doth never need to have been told; even as you shall not tell a grown man in this Age that he shall refrain from dung, and eat only wholesome matter. And truly, I to hope that I have made this thing somewise clear unto you; for, indeed, it doth be something hard to set out; for every Age hath the subtleties peculiar to that Age; and these to be hard to the understanding of other Ages, but yet to seem plain and utter natural, even without thought, unto the Peoples of the Age. And surely all this to be plain to you, and to be over-plain; for, in verity, I tell to you, and over-tell, until that I should be weary; and mayhap you to be the more so. And, indeed, I not to blame you; but only to hope that your understanding, which doth mean also in general your hearts, doth be with me all along my way. And, indeed, this my tale to be not easy told. And, in verity, I to be back now unto the Maid a-laugh upon me, and in the same moment deeply loving and a-lack that she could not feed me, and I to laugh with her, and to have understanding with her, as you to know; and, indeed, I to have an heart that doth be made someways natural unto understanding; so that even though I be dead when you read this, my tale, you to feel that we be friends, and to know that could I meet with you in pitiful trouble, I to have understanding and love to you, if that you be not utter brutish; and even-so, I to be sorrowful that you should be brutish, and to have understanding, in that I to know that by developement you to become wise unto sweetness and charity, and in love with all dear things, and kind pity of the rest. And thiswise you to be in human sympathy with me, because that you do feel that I be honest with you, and somewise even now to your elbow, as you read. And this to be writ now, and you mayhap not to be born a great while yet; but in the end to read and to have understanding with me, and to know how I did love Mine Own. And so we to go forward again, the closer, in that we do be the more knit in dear human sympathy. And surely the Maid kist me very nice on the lips, and did promise again how that she should make me a great meal when that we did come to our Mighty Home; and, indeed, as she to say, she to join with me, and we both to be naughty gluttons for that once. And, surely, I laughed gently at the Maid, because that she should be so dainty a glutton; but for my part, I to feel that I could eat an horse, as we do say in this Age. And by that we had eat and drunk and talked awhile, and lookt oft about, so that we know that no brutish thing came near, to our hurt, the Maid to tell me that my garments did be dry; and she then to give me aid that I dress very quick; and afterward she to help me with mine armour, the which she did wipe after that we had eat and drunk; and she to have had joy that she do this thing, and all things for me; and to have used a part of her torn garments to this end. And so, truly, I to be clothed and armed very speedy, and to feel eased and the more sure in my mind; for in verity, I was alway in unease, when that I did not be ready that I be able to meet any horrid Brute that should be like to come upon us. Now, when that I did be into mine armour again, the Maid to set the scrip and the pouch upon me, and all the while I scarce to be loosed of the Diskos, as ever. And we then to our way, which did be that we find a place proper to our slumber. And when that we did be gone all-ways, and no cave proper to our sight, we found a great tree, that did be set off alone, and had a plenty of branches; but none that did be near to the bottom-part. And surely, I gave the Maid a lift, and held her up so far as mine arms did go, so that she might stand upon the palms of my hands, and be steady against the trunk of the tree; and she thiswise to have a hold upon a branch, and so to go upward. And, truly, when that she was safe, I loosed one of the straps from the pouch and the scrip, and I cast this up to the Maid, and she set it strong about the branch. And when I had caught the downward end, I went upward very easy; and afterward took loose the strap; and this way we did be something safe, as you shall see. And we climbed upward then, and so came to a part of the tree where the branches did be very thick together; and we made here a place for our slumber, and the Maid set the cloak over the branches that did be so close, and afterward we lay down; but first I set the strap about her waist, and thence to a branch, and she to refuse sleep until that I be likewise; so that we did be both very safe from any fall. And she kist me, and we then to our slumber, and very weary; for it did be two and twenty hours, by this, since that we had sleep. Now we had eight hours in which we slept utter; and we both to awake, as it did seem in the same moment; but truly, I to think that Mine Own did be wakeful before that time; for, indeed, as she put her arms very dainty about my neck, that she kiss me, I did have a quick and sudden knowledge that I had been kist oft in my sleep, and this to have been but a little while gone. And surely, it did seem to me that Mine Own did have a sweet and contented Mischief inward of her eyes; but yet she to be very sedate outward, and to kiss me loving and dear, and then we to our breakfast, upon the cloak. And afterward, I climbed to the topmost branches of the tree, and lookt well over the Country all about; but there was no brutish thing to my sight in any place, neither near nor far. And I came down then to the Maid, and told her how that there was quietness of life all about. And we had our gear together, and went downward to the earth, and I to help Mine Own, and this way she to be safe. Now, as we went forward upon our journeying, I perceived that the Maid had a wayward air; and truly, I thought that she did have her heart all set toward naughtiness and mischief; and in the same moment that I was in this belief, I did know in mine understanding that this did spring from the workings of my nature upon the nature of Mine Own Maiden. And Naani to walk, in the first, beside me, and to have no word for me, because that she did be so filled with the stirrings of her naughtiness, that did be in the same moment very sweet unto me, and yet to waken all that did be masterful within me. And she to be that she did know, and to delight, in her secret heart that she waken that which did be masterful in me; but yet in the same moment to be strong determined that she be not mastered by me. And surely this to seem contrarywise in the words; but to be clear to the heart, if indeed you have ever been loved by a dear maid of an high spirit. And above all this, the Maid did be filled with a love for me, that did beat and dance in all her being; and this in truth to overweigh all; but yet from this same thing her dainty naughtiness to be born, because, as I did say, my manhood to stir all her nature up-wise in sweet trouble that did be half of rebellion, and half that she did ache that she be close unto me in mine arms. And, in verity, you to be with me in all these things, if that you have had the love-days beside a dear and dainty maid, of an high and pure and natural spirit; so that if you be old these days, even but the light merriment of a passing maiden to bring a pain of wonderings and golden memories upon your heart. And presently, I saw that Mine Own put a little space between us, as the naughtiness did work in her, as my heart to know; and she to be offward from me a little. And she still to have no speech with me; but in a little to begin that she sing in a low voice; and to have her pretty body very upright and lithesome, and to go forward with a wondrous dainty swing, so that my heart told me that she did all be stirred with small thrillings of defiance unto me, and with thrillings of love; and she to have the triumph of her Maidenhood and of her Womanhood, as it were both to contend in her and to thrill upon her tongue, and to show out the lilting and pretty warfare of her spirit that did go dancing and dearly naughty in her breast. And surely I went, very lifted in my heart, and astir; for it did be wondrous to me that this lovely Maid did be so utter mine. And to see but the way that she set her feet to the earth, and the way that she did lift them sure and dainty; and the way that her body did be poised, and the way of her head; and the way of her naughtiness and the sweetness and the love that did be wrapt in with all, did make me want that I have her in mine arms. But yet, I not to do this, because that in the same time that she did so stir me to love and admirings, she to set somewhat else in me at variance, so that I did half to feel stern with her, for I perceived that she had that naughtiness then within her, that she did be like to have a real intent of impertinence unto me, so that she should be naughtily outrageous, and to have no heed to my advisings, neither unto my desires, unless that I set my hand upon her, to _make_ her to obey. And truly, you that have had dear maids, shall follow mine explainings; but unto others, I know not whether they shall understand, until they too have been possessed of One that shall set all their heart adrift, even as this One that did be Mine Own. And sudden, I to know that Naani did change from her low singing unto an olden air that had surely not been heard in all that eternity. And in verity, for a little while, I not to know why that it did so shake all my heart; nor what it did be; nor whether that I had truly heard it before, or only to think so. And, surely, it did be as that the silence of the olden moonlit world did steal all about me; and sudden, I to know that the Maid did sing an olden love-song of the olden world, and to go halting a little as she sang, because that the words did steal something odd-wise through the far veils of her memory, even as a song doth come backward out of dreams. And I to feel all my blood to seem to tremble in my veins, and my throat to be troubled, as with vague sobs that did be the ghosts of forgotten tears. And the dim sorrow that had come so swift and strange upon me, to be likewise steeped in golden mists of the love that I once did love; and the glamour to be come all fresh upon me, and I to know in that moment how much we do forget, even when that we do believe that we have all memory and all sorrow within our hearts. And I lookt unto the Maid, something dimly, because of the way that I did be; and I perceived in a moment that Mine Own did weep as she walked; but the less with pain than with the strange anguish of Memory, that doth have in it Tenderness and Sorrow and Love and all that Hath Been and all that Did Never Be, and all to make a Vale unto the Spirit, where doth be both a dim greyness and a warm and everlasting light, and an utter speechlessness, and the low and far music of forgotten songs, that do come downward over the shadowy mountains that do be builded of Years and Forgetfulness, and yet made to be seen with the light of that our Memory, which doth cast so many husht shadows. And surely, as I did say, the Maid did weep as she went; but not to be cast down; but rather that she held her head upwise, as that she did walk in a glory. And the song to come oft-broke, and oddly, and to set her voice to little human quiverings, as her memory did shake her sweet spirit unto tears afresh; and she to walk with her pretty head upheld and as that she did go in a Triumph; and the tears to come down strangely upon her face, and all her soul to be there, pure and wondrous, and in the same time both troubled and glad. And this thing to be very dear and amazing; and she to be as that she not to know then that she sang; but as that she did be lost in her thoughts, as we do say, and this to have come sudden upon her, out of all her upliftedness of spirit, that had been like to make her very open unto all subtile and subtle powers of thought and inward stirrings, as you shall think. And again the song to come full-remembered, and fresh, as that this Eternity did be but the yesterday of that moment. And Mine Own to be all in a sweet madness with those half-dreamed memories, and the wonder and pain of all that no man hath ever said, and that shall be never said; and of the utter lost years, and all that hath been lost, and all forgotten greatness and splendour, and the dreadfulness of parting, and the loveliness of beautiful things that do be hid in the abyss of the years. And it did be sudden to my quickened fancy, that there did be low echoes all about us, of the voices of dear beautiful ones that have died; for so did memory set a strange and lovely mystery about my spirit in that moment, that I did be all shaken so much as Mine Own. And I to be as that I drew my breath anigh to tears, and did be there with Naani amid the quiet spareness of the trees and the rock of that part of the land; but yet did be to see half dimly that I stood within a light, even as the light that doth be the wonder of olden sunsets; and I to be, in the same time, both _that_ man and _this_ man that now doth write; and to have beside my spirit but one maid, that I did lack to know whether I say to her Naani or Mirdath; for though the two that have been Mine Own did be different-seeming to the eye, there to be but the spirit of one maid beside me in that moment. And surely, I did be there, all shaken unto the seeing of visions, as it did seem; so that the Land about me to have grown half as that it did lack that it be real unto my sight, because that I lookt inward unto Lands that did be of Memory. And lo! in a moment this to go; and I to be in that Country of the Seas, and to look newly unto Naani, and she to go as I have told; and there to be the lonesome trees and the rocks in all parts for a great way about. And sudden, as I lookt at Mine Own, she to come round unto me, and she held out her arms, and did gaze at me with such a love, as that she were transfigured, and to need strangely that she | together | How many times the word 'together' appears in the text? | 3 |
within the metal of mine head-gear, where the guards did come down at the sides; and she to kiss me very sober upon the lips; but yet to mean utter by that kiss. And I not to return the kiss; for I saw that it did not be her need. Now, in the beginning of the fourth hour, as I did go with the Maid, I to see afar off one of the half-bird monsters, that I did see before upon this place where there did be naught save great stones and boulders for a great way that did be many miles. And truly, I to hide very swift with the Maid, where two great boulders did come together; and surely the bird-creature to go past at no great way, and to go with a great bounding, that did be half of flight and half of leaping, as that it did be too weighty in the body to make to fly proper. And, indeed, I to have a sudden memory how that there did be a picture in some book that I did read in the Mighty Pyramid, where it did show such a bird-thing as this; and to make remark in the book that these things had been seen no more in the Night Land for a score thousand of years, or more; and to be extinct, as we do say. But, indeed, now I do think that they did be come downward to that warm Country, a great while gone, and so to have new life and to breed through a great age, and this way to have set a pattern unto the Humans. And, in verity, it might be that in some age that did be far after that time, the Humans to find some way to journey from the Pyramid, and to build a new Refuge in that deep Country; and mayhap the Humans thiswise to have a new space of life, after that all the Night Land did be dead and lost in the bitter frost of Eternity. But this, indeed, to be no more than an odd thought; for how might any great multitude pass the Monsters; and I to ask that you take it for nothing of fact, but only as of my suppositions; and thiswise to come back again to happenings. Now, when the bird-thing did be gone a long way off, I to go forward again with Mine Own, and to have a new care, and to look very swift and frequent everyway. And, truly, it did be as that the creatures did inhabit that part of the Country; for in an hour after that, I to see a good score. And, I to free the Diskos from my hip, and to have it ready in mine arms beside the Maid; and so to journey. And many times I to have to hide with Mine Own, and to crouch low among the rocks and the boulders; and this way to escape free of all for a great while. Yet, when that the fifth hour did be nigh gone, I heard a noise sudden to my back, as we did go over a clear space. And, in verity, there did be one of the monsters that came upward over certain rocks that were to my rearward; and surely it to have been stayed hid there, or resting, and to have heard us or to have smelled us; but anywise then to have knowledge of us, and to come with low and brutish heavy boundings, very lumbersome, after us. And I lookt everyway in a moment; but there was nowhere any shelter anigh. And the Maid to leap sudden from mine arms, that I be free with the Diskos; and I to look swift to her, and to see that she have her knife ready in her hand, that she might chance to aid me. But surely I might not fight in ease of mind, if that Mine Own did be needless in danger; and I caught her very quick by the waist, and set her upon the ground between my feet. And she to make half to refuse; but I to have no time for explaining, and to be sharp that I have her safe; so that I gave her a little shake that did sudden to make her feel the strength in me; and she then to be instant quiet in my hands, and to let me that I set her upon her face, and to cast the thick cloak above her; and in a moment to be stood over her, and to set down the visor of mine head-gear, lest that the bird-monster strike me in the face. And surely, the bird-thing did be scarce an hundred good paces off; and to make two lumbering and monstrous bounds, and to come at me. Yet, truly, it made sudden a pause, because that the Diskos did roar and send out fire, as I made it to spin; but in an instant the great thing to come in at me upon the left side, and to strike me very hard with the bill, that did be so long as mine arm, and had surely gone through my body, if that I had been naked. And the bill of the monster rang upon mine armour; and it smote me twice thiswise, so that I staggered very sick and shaken. But in a moment, as it made to draw off, that it should come the more hard upon me, I swung the Diskos very sure and quick, and I smote the Bird-thing above the place where the great seeming-leathern wing did join upon the right side, as it should be the shoulder of the Bird-monster. And, in verity, the monster gave out a mighty squarking, and went backward this way and that, and beat all about upon the stones, and did strike with the great bill at the place where it did be hurt. And I heeded that I end it swiftly; and I ran in upon it, and the creature to strike at me with the great bill, very savage. But I jumpt speedy to this side, and again to that, and so in a moment to have chance to come in surely. And truly I split the skull of the Bird-thing, so that it died very quick and was gone from pain. And the Bird-creature lay all spread upon the stones and the rock of that place; and surely it did be as that it were leathern, and made somewise as a bat doth be of this age, in that it did have no feathers. And, truly, it lookt mighty, where it did be spread; and indeed the body to be full so big as the body of a young horse; and the bill to be very deadly and sharp and cumbrous, as you to have guessed. And I to be all and utter thankful that it did be there, dead, in the stead of mine own body. And the thing yet to twitch and stir a little, as the life did go from it. And surely I was back then very speedy to the Maid, and she to be kneeled upward to watch me. And I took her into mine arms, and lookt well about; and made then forward again. And about the middle part of the sixth hour of crossing that rocky land, I saw that we did draw near unto the shallow river, that you shall mind I came over, after that I had done with the olden flying ship. And in all that time, since the Bird-monster to come after us, I had seen but two more, and they a great way off, so that I guessed that I was come beyond that part where they did go very frequent. And I to wade over the river, and to carry Mine Own upon one arm, the while that I did sound my way with the staff of the Diskos; and truly I came across very easy, save that I did have to go around somewhat, where that the river did seem to have a deep place. And when that we had crost the river, it did be full one and twenty hours since that we slumbered, as you shall know, if that you but count a little; for you do mind that we spent a certain time within the tree, as I have told; and this not to have been proper counted into the time of our journeying. And surely, the Maid to have been very quiet, since that I did show my strength a little to her, when that I made her to lie, that she be safe from the bill of the Bird-monster. But she not to be anywise in anger upon me; but only, as I do think, that the woman in her did be something fresh waked unto me; and she to be very content that she be quiet in mine arms. Now the place that we were come to, was much spread with boulders; but yet to have the beginnings again of the forests, as you to remember; for I to have made some small remark of the land in this part, upon mine outward way. And we lookt about for a fire-hole, that I should dry my lower garments; and truly, we had not past many in a great while; but we to be in fortune, that we came soon upon a little fire-hill that did be no more than so high as a man, and to have the rock all hot about; so that this did be a good place to our purpose. And I kist the Maid, and set her down out of mine arms; and when that I had lookt well about, and seen that there did be naught to our sight to give us to fear, the Maid to help me with mine armour; and afterward with my garments, and to ease me all ways that she could think of with helpfulness. And she set the garments of my lower parts to dry, and whilst that they did be drying, she to make ready the water and the tablets, and to have me to sit beside her, in my body-vest and gear, and we to eat and drink very comfortable in the warm hollow that was something anigh to the small fire-hill. Now, truly, I did be very hungry that time, and indeed to be alway so, for the tablets did be very unfilling to the belly, as you do well know from my tellings. And when that I did be finished, I saw that the Maid lookt at me somewise oddways, and sudden she to come into laughter, and askt me whether that I did be very empty; and in the same moment there to be a wondrous dear look within her eyes; so that I perceived that there went a mother-note under her impudence. And she to yearn, as I could know, that she have some way to feed me; but truly there did be no way, for we thought not to make to slay aught for our purpose, and we did be feared that we eat any root or plant, lest that we be ill. And this to seem strange to my spirit of this our age, but to be natural unto that; so that I do think I did be so long bred from the primal obtaining of food, that I did be all lost to that which should seem natural unto the peoples of this early age of the world; though we truly to think that the world doth even now be old; and this to have seemed a true thing unto every age that ever did live. Now, beside that we did lack somewise to think serious that we slay something to eat, in that the tablets did actually suffice to our strength, I to believe that there did be some other reason that I do forget, and mayhap never to have thought plain upon; but which to be set within me as an instinct, as we do say; and this to mean, if that I try to set it in other words, that the tablets did keep the body and the spirit in such condition that the Forces of Evil did have the less power to act upon us. Yet, have I no remembering that I was taught in the preparation that I eat naught, save the tablets; and this mayhap never to have been set upon me; but to have been as a thing that doth never need to have been told; even as you shall not tell a grown man in this Age that he shall refrain from dung, and eat only wholesome matter. And truly, I to hope that I have made this thing somewise clear unto you; for, indeed, it doth be something hard to set out; for every Age hath the subtleties peculiar to that Age; and these to be hard to the understanding of other Ages, but yet to seem plain and utter natural, even without thought, unto the Peoples of the Age. And surely all this to be plain to you, and to be over-plain; for, in verity, I tell to you, and over-tell, until that I should be weary; and mayhap you to be the more so. And, indeed, I not to blame you; but only to hope that your understanding, which doth mean also in general your hearts, doth be with me all along my way. And, indeed, this my tale to be not easy told. And, in verity, I to be back now unto the Maid a-laugh upon me, and in the same moment deeply loving and a-lack that she could not feed me, and I to laugh with her, and to have understanding with her, as you to know; and, indeed, I to have an heart that doth be made someways natural unto understanding; so that even though I be dead when you read this, my tale, you to feel that we be friends, and to know that could I meet with you in pitiful trouble, I to have understanding and love to you, if that you be not utter brutish; and even-so, I to be sorrowful that you should be brutish, and to have understanding, in that I to know that by developement you to become wise unto sweetness and charity, and in love with all dear things, and kind pity of the rest. And thiswise you to be in human sympathy with me, because that you do feel that I be honest with you, and somewise even now to your elbow, as you read. And this to be writ now, and you mayhap not to be born a great while yet; but in the end to read and to have understanding with me, and to know how I did love Mine Own. And so we to go forward again, the closer, in that we do be the more knit in dear human sympathy. And surely the Maid kist me very nice on the lips, and did promise again how that she should make me a great meal when that we did come to our Mighty Home; and, indeed, as she to say, she to join with me, and we both to be naughty gluttons for that once. And, surely, I laughed gently at the Maid, because that she should be so dainty a glutton; but for my part, I to feel that I could eat an horse, as we do say in this Age. And by that we had eat and drunk and talked awhile, and lookt oft about, so that we know that no brutish thing came near, to our hurt, the Maid to tell me that my garments did be dry; and she then to give me aid that I dress very quick; and afterward she to help me with mine armour, the which she did wipe after that we had eat and drunk; and she to have had joy that she do this thing, and all things for me; and to have used a part of her torn garments to this end. And so, truly, I to be clothed and armed very speedy, and to feel eased and the more sure in my mind; for in verity, I was alway in unease, when that I did not be ready that I be able to meet any horrid Brute that should be like to come upon us. Now, when that I did be into mine armour again, the Maid to set the scrip and the pouch upon me, and all the while I scarce to be loosed of the Diskos, as ever. And we then to our way, which did be that we find a place proper to our slumber. And when that we did be gone all-ways, and no cave proper to our sight, we found a great tree, that did be set off alone, and had a plenty of branches; but none that did be near to the bottom-part. And surely, I gave the Maid a lift, and held her up so far as mine arms did go, so that she might stand upon the palms of my hands, and be steady against the trunk of the tree; and she thiswise to have a hold upon a branch, and so to go upward. And, truly, when that she was safe, I loosed one of the straps from the pouch and the scrip, and I cast this up to the Maid, and she set it strong about the branch. And when I had caught the downward end, I went upward very easy; and afterward took loose the strap; and this way we did be something safe, as you shall see. And we climbed upward then, and so came to a part of the tree where the branches did be very thick together; and we made here a place for our slumber, and the Maid set the cloak over the branches that did be so close, and afterward we lay down; but first I set the strap about her waist, and thence to a branch, and she to refuse sleep until that I be likewise; so that we did be both very safe from any fall. And she kist me, and we then to our slumber, and very weary; for it did be two and twenty hours, by this, since that we had sleep. Now we had eight hours in which we slept utter; and we both to awake, as it did seem in the same moment; but truly, I to think that Mine Own did be wakeful before that time; for, indeed, as she put her arms very dainty about my neck, that she kiss me, I did have a quick and sudden knowledge that I had been kist oft in my sleep, and this to have been but a little while gone. And surely, it did seem to me that Mine Own did have a sweet and contented Mischief inward of her eyes; but yet she to be very sedate outward, and to kiss me loving and dear, and then we to our breakfast, upon the cloak. And afterward, I climbed to the topmost branches of the tree, and lookt well over the Country all about; but there was no brutish thing to my sight in any place, neither near nor far. And I came down then to the Maid, and told her how that there was quietness of life all about. And we had our gear together, and went downward to the earth, and I to help Mine Own, and this way she to be safe. Now, as we went forward upon our journeying, I perceived that the Maid had a wayward air; and truly, I thought that she did have her heart all set toward naughtiness and mischief; and in the same moment that I was in this belief, I did know in mine understanding that this did spring from the workings of my nature upon the nature of Mine Own Maiden. And Naani to walk, in the first, beside me, and to have no word for me, because that she did be so filled with the stirrings of her naughtiness, that did be in the same moment very sweet unto me, and yet to waken all that did be masterful within me. And she to be that she did know, and to delight, in her secret heart that she waken that which did be masterful in me; but yet in the same moment to be strong determined that she be not mastered by me. And surely this to seem contrarywise in the words; but to be clear to the heart, if indeed you have ever been loved by a dear maid of an high spirit. And above all this, the Maid did be filled with a love for me, that did beat and dance in all her being; and this in truth to overweigh all; but yet from this same thing her dainty naughtiness to be born, because, as I did say, my manhood to stir all her nature up-wise in sweet trouble that did be half of rebellion, and half that she did ache that she be close unto me in mine arms. And, in verity, you to be with me in all these things, if that you have had the love-days beside a dear and dainty maid, of an high and pure and natural spirit; so that if you be old these days, even but the light merriment of a passing maiden to bring a pain of wonderings and golden memories upon your heart. And presently, I saw that Mine Own put a little space between us, as the naughtiness did work in her, as my heart to know; and she to be offward from me a little. And she still to have no speech with me; but in a little to begin that she sing in a low voice; and to have her pretty body very upright and lithesome, and to go forward with a wondrous dainty swing, so that my heart told me that she did all be stirred with small thrillings of defiance unto me, and with thrillings of love; and she to have the triumph of her Maidenhood and of her Womanhood, as it were both to contend in her and to thrill upon her tongue, and to show out the lilting and pretty warfare of her spirit that did go dancing and dearly naughty in her breast. And surely I went, very lifted in my heart, and astir; for it did be wondrous to me that this lovely Maid did be so utter mine. And to see but the way that she set her feet to the earth, and the way that she did lift them sure and dainty; and the way that her body did be poised, and the way of her head; and the way of her naughtiness and the sweetness and the love that did be wrapt in with all, did make me want that I have her in mine arms. But yet, I not to do this, because that in the same time that she did so stir me to love and admirings, she to set somewhat else in me at variance, so that I did half to feel stern with her, for I perceived that she had that naughtiness then within her, that she did be like to have a real intent of impertinence unto me, so that she should be naughtily outrageous, and to have no heed to my advisings, neither unto my desires, unless that I set my hand upon her, to _make_ her to obey. And truly, you that have had dear maids, shall follow mine explainings; but unto others, I know not whether they shall understand, until they too have been possessed of One that shall set all their heart adrift, even as this One that did be Mine Own. And sudden, I to know that Naani did change from her low singing unto an olden air that had surely not been heard in all that eternity. And in verity, for a little while, I not to know why that it did so shake all my heart; nor what it did be; nor whether that I had truly heard it before, or only to think so. And, surely, it did be as that the silence of the olden moonlit world did steal all about me; and sudden, I to know that the Maid did sing an olden love-song of the olden world, and to go halting a little as she sang, because that the words did steal something odd-wise through the far veils of her memory, even as a song doth come backward out of dreams. And I to feel all my blood to seem to tremble in my veins, and my throat to be troubled, as with vague sobs that did be the ghosts of forgotten tears. And the dim sorrow that had come so swift and strange upon me, to be likewise steeped in golden mists of the love that I once did love; and the glamour to be come all fresh upon me, and I to know in that moment how much we do forget, even when that we do believe that we have all memory and all sorrow within our hearts. And I lookt unto the Maid, something dimly, because of the way that I did be; and I perceived in a moment that Mine Own did weep as she walked; but the less with pain than with the strange anguish of Memory, that doth have in it Tenderness and Sorrow and Love and all that Hath Been and all that Did Never Be, and all to make a Vale unto the Spirit, where doth be both a dim greyness and a warm and everlasting light, and an utter speechlessness, and the low and far music of forgotten songs, that do come downward over the shadowy mountains that do be builded of Years and Forgetfulness, and yet made to be seen with the light of that our Memory, which doth cast so many husht shadows. And surely, as I did say, the Maid did weep as she went; but not to be cast down; but rather that she held her head upwise, as that she did walk in a glory. And the song to come oft-broke, and oddly, and to set her voice to little human quiverings, as her memory did shake her sweet spirit unto tears afresh; and she to walk with her pretty head upheld and as that she did go in a Triumph; and the tears to come down strangely upon her face, and all her soul to be there, pure and wondrous, and in the same time both troubled and glad. And this thing to be very dear and amazing; and she to be as that she not to know then that she sang; but as that she did be lost in her thoughts, as we do say, and this to have come sudden upon her, out of all her upliftedness of spirit, that had been like to make her very open unto all subtile and subtle powers of thought and inward stirrings, as you shall think. And again the song to come full-remembered, and fresh, as that this Eternity did be but the yesterday of that moment. And Mine Own to be all in a sweet madness with those half-dreamed memories, and the wonder and pain of all that no man hath ever said, and that shall be never said; and of the utter lost years, and all that hath been lost, and all forgotten greatness and splendour, and the dreadfulness of parting, and the loveliness of beautiful things that do be hid in the abyss of the years. And it did be sudden to my quickened fancy, that there did be low echoes all about us, of the voices of dear beautiful ones that have died; for so did memory set a strange and lovely mystery about my spirit in that moment, that I did be all shaken so much as Mine Own. And I to be as that I drew my breath anigh to tears, and did be there with Naani amid the quiet spareness of the trees and the rock of that part of the land; but yet did be to see half dimly that I stood within a light, even as the light that doth be the wonder of olden sunsets; and I to be, in the same time, both _that_ man and _this_ man that now doth write; and to have beside my spirit but one maid, that I did lack to know whether I say to her Naani or Mirdath; for though the two that have been Mine Own did be different-seeming to the eye, there to be but the spirit of one maid beside me in that moment. And surely, I did be there, all shaken unto the seeing of visions, as it did seem; so that the Land about me to have grown half as that it did lack that it be real unto my sight, because that I lookt inward unto Lands that did be of Memory. And lo! in a moment this to go; and I to be in that Country of the Seas, and to look newly unto Naani, and she to go as I have told; and there to be the lonesome trees and the rocks in all parts for a great way about. And sudden, as I lookt at Mine Own, she to come round unto me, and she held out her arms, and did gaze at me with such a love, as that she were transfigured, and to need strangely that she | mother | How many times the word 'mother' appears in the text? | 1 |
within the metal of mine head-gear, where the guards did come down at the sides; and she to kiss me very sober upon the lips; but yet to mean utter by that kiss. And I not to return the kiss; for I saw that it did not be her need. Now, in the beginning of the fourth hour, as I did go with the Maid, I to see afar off one of the half-bird monsters, that I did see before upon this place where there did be naught save great stones and boulders for a great way that did be many miles. And truly, I to hide very swift with the Maid, where two great boulders did come together; and surely the bird-creature to go past at no great way, and to go with a great bounding, that did be half of flight and half of leaping, as that it did be too weighty in the body to make to fly proper. And, indeed, I to have a sudden memory how that there did be a picture in some book that I did read in the Mighty Pyramid, where it did show such a bird-thing as this; and to make remark in the book that these things had been seen no more in the Night Land for a score thousand of years, or more; and to be extinct, as we do say. But, indeed, now I do think that they did be come downward to that warm Country, a great while gone, and so to have new life and to breed through a great age, and this way to have set a pattern unto the Humans. And, in verity, it might be that in some age that did be far after that time, the Humans to find some way to journey from the Pyramid, and to build a new Refuge in that deep Country; and mayhap the Humans thiswise to have a new space of life, after that all the Night Land did be dead and lost in the bitter frost of Eternity. But this, indeed, to be no more than an odd thought; for how might any great multitude pass the Monsters; and I to ask that you take it for nothing of fact, but only as of my suppositions; and thiswise to come back again to happenings. Now, when the bird-thing did be gone a long way off, I to go forward again with Mine Own, and to have a new care, and to look very swift and frequent everyway. And, truly, it did be as that the creatures did inhabit that part of the Country; for in an hour after that, I to see a good score. And, I to free the Diskos from my hip, and to have it ready in mine arms beside the Maid; and so to journey. And many times I to have to hide with Mine Own, and to crouch low among the rocks and the boulders; and this way to escape free of all for a great while. Yet, when that the fifth hour did be nigh gone, I heard a noise sudden to my back, as we did go over a clear space. And, in verity, there did be one of the monsters that came upward over certain rocks that were to my rearward; and surely it to have been stayed hid there, or resting, and to have heard us or to have smelled us; but anywise then to have knowledge of us, and to come with low and brutish heavy boundings, very lumbersome, after us. And I lookt everyway in a moment; but there was nowhere any shelter anigh. And the Maid to leap sudden from mine arms, that I be free with the Diskos; and I to look swift to her, and to see that she have her knife ready in her hand, that she might chance to aid me. But surely I might not fight in ease of mind, if that Mine Own did be needless in danger; and I caught her very quick by the waist, and set her upon the ground between my feet. And she to make half to refuse; but I to have no time for explaining, and to be sharp that I have her safe; so that I gave her a little shake that did sudden to make her feel the strength in me; and she then to be instant quiet in my hands, and to let me that I set her upon her face, and to cast the thick cloak above her; and in a moment to be stood over her, and to set down the visor of mine head-gear, lest that the bird-monster strike me in the face. And surely, the bird-thing did be scarce an hundred good paces off; and to make two lumbering and monstrous bounds, and to come at me. Yet, truly, it made sudden a pause, because that the Diskos did roar and send out fire, as I made it to spin; but in an instant the great thing to come in at me upon the left side, and to strike me very hard with the bill, that did be so long as mine arm, and had surely gone through my body, if that I had been naked. And the bill of the monster rang upon mine armour; and it smote me twice thiswise, so that I staggered very sick and shaken. But in a moment, as it made to draw off, that it should come the more hard upon me, I swung the Diskos very sure and quick, and I smote the Bird-thing above the place where the great seeming-leathern wing did join upon the right side, as it should be the shoulder of the Bird-monster. And, in verity, the monster gave out a mighty squarking, and went backward this way and that, and beat all about upon the stones, and did strike with the great bill at the place where it did be hurt. And I heeded that I end it swiftly; and I ran in upon it, and the creature to strike at me with the great bill, very savage. But I jumpt speedy to this side, and again to that, and so in a moment to have chance to come in surely. And truly I split the skull of the Bird-thing, so that it died very quick and was gone from pain. And the Bird-creature lay all spread upon the stones and the rock of that place; and surely it did be as that it were leathern, and made somewise as a bat doth be of this age, in that it did have no feathers. And, truly, it lookt mighty, where it did be spread; and indeed the body to be full so big as the body of a young horse; and the bill to be very deadly and sharp and cumbrous, as you to have guessed. And I to be all and utter thankful that it did be there, dead, in the stead of mine own body. And the thing yet to twitch and stir a little, as the life did go from it. And surely I was back then very speedy to the Maid, and she to be kneeled upward to watch me. And I took her into mine arms, and lookt well about; and made then forward again. And about the middle part of the sixth hour of crossing that rocky land, I saw that we did draw near unto the shallow river, that you shall mind I came over, after that I had done with the olden flying ship. And in all that time, since the Bird-monster to come after us, I had seen but two more, and they a great way off, so that I guessed that I was come beyond that part where they did go very frequent. And I to wade over the river, and to carry Mine Own upon one arm, the while that I did sound my way with the staff of the Diskos; and truly I came across very easy, save that I did have to go around somewhat, where that the river did seem to have a deep place. And when that we had crost the river, it did be full one and twenty hours since that we slumbered, as you shall know, if that you but count a little; for you do mind that we spent a certain time within the tree, as I have told; and this not to have been proper counted into the time of our journeying. And surely, the Maid to have been very quiet, since that I did show my strength a little to her, when that I made her to lie, that she be safe from the bill of the Bird-monster. But she not to be anywise in anger upon me; but only, as I do think, that the woman in her did be something fresh waked unto me; and she to be very content that she be quiet in mine arms. Now the place that we were come to, was much spread with boulders; but yet to have the beginnings again of the forests, as you to remember; for I to have made some small remark of the land in this part, upon mine outward way. And we lookt about for a fire-hole, that I should dry my lower garments; and truly, we had not past many in a great while; but we to be in fortune, that we came soon upon a little fire-hill that did be no more than so high as a man, and to have the rock all hot about; so that this did be a good place to our purpose. And I kist the Maid, and set her down out of mine arms; and when that I had lookt well about, and seen that there did be naught to our sight to give us to fear, the Maid to help me with mine armour; and afterward with my garments, and to ease me all ways that she could think of with helpfulness. And she set the garments of my lower parts to dry, and whilst that they did be drying, she to make ready the water and the tablets, and to have me to sit beside her, in my body-vest and gear, and we to eat and drink very comfortable in the warm hollow that was something anigh to the small fire-hill. Now, truly, I did be very hungry that time, and indeed to be alway so, for the tablets did be very unfilling to the belly, as you do well know from my tellings. And when that I did be finished, I saw that the Maid lookt at me somewise oddways, and sudden she to come into laughter, and askt me whether that I did be very empty; and in the same moment there to be a wondrous dear look within her eyes; so that I perceived that there went a mother-note under her impudence. And she to yearn, as I could know, that she have some way to feed me; but truly there did be no way, for we thought not to make to slay aught for our purpose, and we did be feared that we eat any root or plant, lest that we be ill. And this to seem strange to my spirit of this our age, but to be natural unto that; so that I do think I did be so long bred from the primal obtaining of food, that I did be all lost to that which should seem natural unto the peoples of this early age of the world; though we truly to think that the world doth even now be old; and this to have seemed a true thing unto every age that ever did live. Now, beside that we did lack somewise to think serious that we slay something to eat, in that the tablets did actually suffice to our strength, I to believe that there did be some other reason that I do forget, and mayhap never to have thought plain upon; but which to be set within me as an instinct, as we do say; and this to mean, if that I try to set it in other words, that the tablets did keep the body and the spirit in such condition that the Forces of Evil did have the less power to act upon us. Yet, have I no remembering that I was taught in the preparation that I eat naught, save the tablets; and this mayhap never to have been set upon me; but to have been as a thing that doth never need to have been told; even as you shall not tell a grown man in this Age that he shall refrain from dung, and eat only wholesome matter. And truly, I to hope that I have made this thing somewise clear unto you; for, indeed, it doth be something hard to set out; for every Age hath the subtleties peculiar to that Age; and these to be hard to the understanding of other Ages, but yet to seem plain and utter natural, even without thought, unto the Peoples of the Age. And surely all this to be plain to you, and to be over-plain; for, in verity, I tell to you, and over-tell, until that I should be weary; and mayhap you to be the more so. And, indeed, I not to blame you; but only to hope that your understanding, which doth mean also in general your hearts, doth be with me all along my way. And, indeed, this my tale to be not easy told. And, in verity, I to be back now unto the Maid a-laugh upon me, and in the same moment deeply loving and a-lack that she could not feed me, and I to laugh with her, and to have understanding with her, as you to know; and, indeed, I to have an heart that doth be made someways natural unto understanding; so that even though I be dead when you read this, my tale, you to feel that we be friends, and to know that could I meet with you in pitiful trouble, I to have understanding and love to you, if that you be not utter brutish; and even-so, I to be sorrowful that you should be brutish, and to have understanding, in that I to know that by developement you to become wise unto sweetness and charity, and in love with all dear things, and kind pity of the rest. And thiswise you to be in human sympathy with me, because that you do feel that I be honest with you, and somewise even now to your elbow, as you read. And this to be writ now, and you mayhap not to be born a great while yet; but in the end to read and to have understanding with me, and to know how I did love Mine Own. And so we to go forward again, the closer, in that we do be the more knit in dear human sympathy. And surely the Maid kist me very nice on the lips, and did promise again how that she should make me a great meal when that we did come to our Mighty Home; and, indeed, as she to say, she to join with me, and we both to be naughty gluttons for that once. And, surely, I laughed gently at the Maid, because that she should be so dainty a glutton; but for my part, I to feel that I could eat an horse, as we do say in this Age. And by that we had eat and drunk and talked awhile, and lookt oft about, so that we know that no brutish thing came near, to our hurt, the Maid to tell me that my garments did be dry; and she then to give me aid that I dress very quick; and afterward she to help me with mine armour, the which she did wipe after that we had eat and drunk; and she to have had joy that she do this thing, and all things for me; and to have used a part of her torn garments to this end. And so, truly, I to be clothed and armed very speedy, and to feel eased and the more sure in my mind; for in verity, I was alway in unease, when that I did not be ready that I be able to meet any horrid Brute that should be like to come upon us. Now, when that I did be into mine armour again, the Maid to set the scrip and the pouch upon me, and all the while I scarce to be loosed of the Diskos, as ever. And we then to our way, which did be that we find a place proper to our slumber. And when that we did be gone all-ways, and no cave proper to our sight, we found a great tree, that did be set off alone, and had a plenty of branches; but none that did be near to the bottom-part. And surely, I gave the Maid a lift, and held her up so far as mine arms did go, so that she might stand upon the palms of my hands, and be steady against the trunk of the tree; and she thiswise to have a hold upon a branch, and so to go upward. And, truly, when that she was safe, I loosed one of the straps from the pouch and the scrip, and I cast this up to the Maid, and she set it strong about the branch. And when I had caught the downward end, I went upward very easy; and afterward took loose the strap; and this way we did be something safe, as you shall see. And we climbed upward then, and so came to a part of the tree where the branches did be very thick together; and we made here a place for our slumber, and the Maid set the cloak over the branches that did be so close, and afterward we lay down; but first I set the strap about her waist, and thence to a branch, and she to refuse sleep until that I be likewise; so that we did be both very safe from any fall. And she kist me, and we then to our slumber, and very weary; for it did be two and twenty hours, by this, since that we had sleep. Now we had eight hours in which we slept utter; and we both to awake, as it did seem in the same moment; but truly, I to think that Mine Own did be wakeful before that time; for, indeed, as she put her arms very dainty about my neck, that she kiss me, I did have a quick and sudden knowledge that I had been kist oft in my sleep, and this to have been but a little while gone. And surely, it did seem to me that Mine Own did have a sweet and contented Mischief inward of her eyes; but yet she to be very sedate outward, and to kiss me loving and dear, and then we to our breakfast, upon the cloak. And afterward, I climbed to the topmost branches of the tree, and lookt well over the Country all about; but there was no brutish thing to my sight in any place, neither near nor far. And I came down then to the Maid, and told her how that there was quietness of life all about. And we had our gear together, and went downward to the earth, and I to help Mine Own, and this way she to be safe. Now, as we went forward upon our journeying, I perceived that the Maid had a wayward air; and truly, I thought that she did have her heart all set toward naughtiness and mischief; and in the same moment that I was in this belief, I did know in mine understanding that this did spring from the workings of my nature upon the nature of Mine Own Maiden. And Naani to walk, in the first, beside me, and to have no word for me, because that she did be so filled with the stirrings of her naughtiness, that did be in the same moment very sweet unto me, and yet to waken all that did be masterful within me. And she to be that she did know, and to delight, in her secret heart that she waken that which did be masterful in me; but yet in the same moment to be strong determined that she be not mastered by me. And surely this to seem contrarywise in the words; but to be clear to the heart, if indeed you have ever been loved by a dear maid of an high spirit. And above all this, the Maid did be filled with a love for me, that did beat and dance in all her being; and this in truth to overweigh all; but yet from this same thing her dainty naughtiness to be born, because, as I did say, my manhood to stir all her nature up-wise in sweet trouble that did be half of rebellion, and half that she did ache that she be close unto me in mine arms. And, in verity, you to be with me in all these things, if that you have had the love-days beside a dear and dainty maid, of an high and pure and natural spirit; so that if you be old these days, even but the light merriment of a passing maiden to bring a pain of wonderings and golden memories upon your heart. And presently, I saw that Mine Own put a little space between us, as the naughtiness did work in her, as my heart to know; and she to be offward from me a little. And she still to have no speech with me; but in a little to begin that she sing in a low voice; and to have her pretty body very upright and lithesome, and to go forward with a wondrous dainty swing, so that my heart told me that she did all be stirred with small thrillings of defiance unto me, and with thrillings of love; and she to have the triumph of her Maidenhood and of her Womanhood, as it were both to contend in her and to thrill upon her tongue, and to show out the lilting and pretty warfare of her spirit that did go dancing and dearly naughty in her breast. And surely I went, very lifted in my heart, and astir; for it did be wondrous to me that this lovely Maid did be so utter mine. And to see but the way that she set her feet to the earth, and the way that she did lift them sure and dainty; and the way that her body did be poised, and the way of her head; and the way of her naughtiness and the sweetness and the love that did be wrapt in with all, did make me want that I have her in mine arms. But yet, I not to do this, because that in the same time that she did so stir me to love and admirings, she to set somewhat else in me at variance, so that I did half to feel stern with her, for I perceived that she had that naughtiness then within her, that she did be like to have a real intent of impertinence unto me, so that she should be naughtily outrageous, and to have no heed to my advisings, neither unto my desires, unless that I set my hand upon her, to _make_ her to obey. And truly, you that have had dear maids, shall follow mine explainings; but unto others, I know not whether they shall understand, until they too have been possessed of One that shall set all their heart adrift, even as this One that did be Mine Own. And sudden, I to know that Naani did change from her low singing unto an olden air that had surely not been heard in all that eternity. And in verity, for a little while, I not to know why that it did so shake all my heart; nor what it did be; nor whether that I had truly heard it before, or only to think so. And, surely, it did be as that the silence of the olden moonlit world did steal all about me; and sudden, I to know that the Maid did sing an olden love-song of the olden world, and to go halting a little as she sang, because that the words did steal something odd-wise through the far veils of her memory, even as a song doth come backward out of dreams. And I to feel all my blood to seem to tremble in my veins, and my throat to be troubled, as with vague sobs that did be the ghosts of forgotten tears. And the dim sorrow that had come so swift and strange upon me, to be likewise steeped in golden mists of the love that I once did love; and the glamour to be come all fresh upon me, and I to know in that moment how much we do forget, even when that we do believe that we have all memory and all sorrow within our hearts. And I lookt unto the Maid, something dimly, because of the way that I did be; and I perceived in a moment that Mine Own did weep as she walked; but the less with pain than with the strange anguish of Memory, that doth have in it Tenderness and Sorrow and Love and all that Hath Been and all that Did Never Be, and all to make a Vale unto the Spirit, where doth be both a dim greyness and a warm and everlasting light, and an utter speechlessness, and the low and far music of forgotten songs, that do come downward over the shadowy mountains that do be builded of Years and Forgetfulness, and yet made to be seen with the light of that our Memory, which doth cast so many husht shadows. And surely, as I did say, the Maid did weep as she went; but not to be cast down; but rather that she held her head upwise, as that she did walk in a glory. And the song to come oft-broke, and oddly, and to set her voice to little human quiverings, as her memory did shake her sweet spirit unto tears afresh; and she to walk with her pretty head upheld and as that she did go in a Triumph; and the tears to come down strangely upon her face, and all her soul to be there, pure and wondrous, and in the same time both troubled and glad. And this thing to be very dear and amazing; and she to be as that she not to know then that she sang; but as that she did be lost in her thoughts, as we do say, and this to have come sudden upon her, out of all her upliftedness of spirit, that had been like to make her very open unto all subtile and subtle powers of thought and inward stirrings, as you shall think. And again the song to come full-remembered, and fresh, as that this Eternity did be but the yesterday of that moment. And Mine Own to be all in a sweet madness with those half-dreamed memories, and the wonder and pain of all that no man hath ever said, and that shall be never said; and of the utter lost years, and all that hath been lost, and all forgotten greatness and splendour, and the dreadfulness of parting, and the loveliness of beautiful things that do be hid in the abyss of the years. And it did be sudden to my quickened fancy, that there did be low echoes all about us, of the voices of dear beautiful ones that have died; for so did memory set a strange and lovely mystery about my spirit in that moment, that I did be all shaken so much as Mine Own. And I to be as that I drew my breath anigh to tears, and did be there with Naani amid the quiet spareness of the trees and the rock of that part of the land; but yet did be to see half dimly that I stood within a light, even as the light that doth be the wonder of olden sunsets; and I to be, in the same time, both _that_ man and _this_ man that now doth write; and to have beside my spirit but one maid, that I did lack to know whether I say to her Naani or Mirdath; for though the two that have been Mine Own did be different-seeming to the eye, there to be but the spirit of one maid beside me in that moment. And surely, I did be there, all shaken unto the seeing of visions, as it did seem; so that the Land about me to have grown half as that it did lack that it be real unto my sight, because that I lookt inward unto Lands that did be of Memory. And lo! in a moment this to go; and I to be in that Country of the Seas, and to look newly unto Naani, and she to go as I have told; and there to be the lonesome trees and the rocks in all parts for a great way about. And sudden, as I lookt at Mine Own, she to come round unto me, and she held out her arms, and did gaze at me with such a love, as that she were transfigured, and to need strangely that she | guide | How many times the word 'guide' appears in the text? | 0 |
within the metal of mine head-gear, where the guards did come down at the sides; and she to kiss me very sober upon the lips; but yet to mean utter by that kiss. And I not to return the kiss; for I saw that it did not be her need. Now, in the beginning of the fourth hour, as I did go with the Maid, I to see afar off one of the half-bird monsters, that I did see before upon this place where there did be naught save great stones and boulders for a great way that did be many miles. And truly, I to hide very swift with the Maid, where two great boulders did come together; and surely the bird-creature to go past at no great way, and to go with a great bounding, that did be half of flight and half of leaping, as that it did be too weighty in the body to make to fly proper. And, indeed, I to have a sudden memory how that there did be a picture in some book that I did read in the Mighty Pyramid, where it did show such a bird-thing as this; and to make remark in the book that these things had been seen no more in the Night Land for a score thousand of years, or more; and to be extinct, as we do say. But, indeed, now I do think that they did be come downward to that warm Country, a great while gone, and so to have new life and to breed through a great age, and this way to have set a pattern unto the Humans. And, in verity, it might be that in some age that did be far after that time, the Humans to find some way to journey from the Pyramid, and to build a new Refuge in that deep Country; and mayhap the Humans thiswise to have a new space of life, after that all the Night Land did be dead and lost in the bitter frost of Eternity. But this, indeed, to be no more than an odd thought; for how might any great multitude pass the Monsters; and I to ask that you take it for nothing of fact, but only as of my suppositions; and thiswise to come back again to happenings. Now, when the bird-thing did be gone a long way off, I to go forward again with Mine Own, and to have a new care, and to look very swift and frequent everyway. And, truly, it did be as that the creatures did inhabit that part of the Country; for in an hour after that, I to see a good score. And, I to free the Diskos from my hip, and to have it ready in mine arms beside the Maid; and so to journey. And many times I to have to hide with Mine Own, and to crouch low among the rocks and the boulders; and this way to escape free of all for a great while. Yet, when that the fifth hour did be nigh gone, I heard a noise sudden to my back, as we did go over a clear space. And, in verity, there did be one of the monsters that came upward over certain rocks that were to my rearward; and surely it to have been stayed hid there, or resting, and to have heard us or to have smelled us; but anywise then to have knowledge of us, and to come with low and brutish heavy boundings, very lumbersome, after us. And I lookt everyway in a moment; but there was nowhere any shelter anigh. And the Maid to leap sudden from mine arms, that I be free with the Diskos; and I to look swift to her, and to see that she have her knife ready in her hand, that she might chance to aid me. But surely I might not fight in ease of mind, if that Mine Own did be needless in danger; and I caught her very quick by the waist, and set her upon the ground between my feet. And she to make half to refuse; but I to have no time for explaining, and to be sharp that I have her safe; so that I gave her a little shake that did sudden to make her feel the strength in me; and she then to be instant quiet in my hands, and to let me that I set her upon her face, and to cast the thick cloak above her; and in a moment to be stood over her, and to set down the visor of mine head-gear, lest that the bird-monster strike me in the face. And surely, the bird-thing did be scarce an hundred good paces off; and to make two lumbering and monstrous bounds, and to come at me. Yet, truly, it made sudden a pause, because that the Diskos did roar and send out fire, as I made it to spin; but in an instant the great thing to come in at me upon the left side, and to strike me very hard with the bill, that did be so long as mine arm, and had surely gone through my body, if that I had been naked. And the bill of the monster rang upon mine armour; and it smote me twice thiswise, so that I staggered very sick and shaken. But in a moment, as it made to draw off, that it should come the more hard upon me, I swung the Diskos very sure and quick, and I smote the Bird-thing above the place where the great seeming-leathern wing did join upon the right side, as it should be the shoulder of the Bird-monster. And, in verity, the monster gave out a mighty squarking, and went backward this way and that, and beat all about upon the stones, and did strike with the great bill at the place where it did be hurt. And I heeded that I end it swiftly; and I ran in upon it, and the creature to strike at me with the great bill, very savage. But I jumpt speedy to this side, and again to that, and so in a moment to have chance to come in surely. And truly I split the skull of the Bird-thing, so that it died very quick and was gone from pain. And the Bird-creature lay all spread upon the stones and the rock of that place; and surely it did be as that it were leathern, and made somewise as a bat doth be of this age, in that it did have no feathers. And, truly, it lookt mighty, where it did be spread; and indeed the body to be full so big as the body of a young horse; and the bill to be very deadly and sharp and cumbrous, as you to have guessed. And I to be all and utter thankful that it did be there, dead, in the stead of mine own body. And the thing yet to twitch and stir a little, as the life did go from it. And surely I was back then very speedy to the Maid, and she to be kneeled upward to watch me. And I took her into mine arms, and lookt well about; and made then forward again. And about the middle part of the sixth hour of crossing that rocky land, I saw that we did draw near unto the shallow river, that you shall mind I came over, after that I had done with the olden flying ship. And in all that time, since the Bird-monster to come after us, I had seen but two more, and they a great way off, so that I guessed that I was come beyond that part where they did go very frequent. And I to wade over the river, and to carry Mine Own upon one arm, the while that I did sound my way with the staff of the Diskos; and truly I came across very easy, save that I did have to go around somewhat, where that the river did seem to have a deep place. And when that we had crost the river, it did be full one and twenty hours since that we slumbered, as you shall know, if that you but count a little; for you do mind that we spent a certain time within the tree, as I have told; and this not to have been proper counted into the time of our journeying. And surely, the Maid to have been very quiet, since that I did show my strength a little to her, when that I made her to lie, that she be safe from the bill of the Bird-monster. But she not to be anywise in anger upon me; but only, as I do think, that the woman in her did be something fresh waked unto me; and she to be very content that she be quiet in mine arms. Now the place that we were come to, was much spread with boulders; but yet to have the beginnings again of the forests, as you to remember; for I to have made some small remark of the land in this part, upon mine outward way. And we lookt about for a fire-hole, that I should dry my lower garments; and truly, we had not past many in a great while; but we to be in fortune, that we came soon upon a little fire-hill that did be no more than so high as a man, and to have the rock all hot about; so that this did be a good place to our purpose. And I kist the Maid, and set her down out of mine arms; and when that I had lookt well about, and seen that there did be naught to our sight to give us to fear, the Maid to help me with mine armour; and afterward with my garments, and to ease me all ways that she could think of with helpfulness. And she set the garments of my lower parts to dry, and whilst that they did be drying, she to make ready the water and the tablets, and to have me to sit beside her, in my body-vest and gear, and we to eat and drink very comfortable in the warm hollow that was something anigh to the small fire-hill. Now, truly, I did be very hungry that time, and indeed to be alway so, for the tablets did be very unfilling to the belly, as you do well know from my tellings. And when that I did be finished, I saw that the Maid lookt at me somewise oddways, and sudden she to come into laughter, and askt me whether that I did be very empty; and in the same moment there to be a wondrous dear look within her eyes; so that I perceived that there went a mother-note under her impudence. And she to yearn, as I could know, that she have some way to feed me; but truly there did be no way, for we thought not to make to slay aught for our purpose, and we did be feared that we eat any root or plant, lest that we be ill. And this to seem strange to my spirit of this our age, but to be natural unto that; so that I do think I did be so long bred from the primal obtaining of food, that I did be all lost to that which should seem natural unto the peoples of this early age of the world; though we truly to think that the world doth even now be old; and this to have seemed a true thing unto every age that ever did live. Now, beside that we did lack somewise to think serious that we slay something to eat, in that the tablets did actually suffice to our strength, I to believe that there did be some other reason that I do forget, and mayhap never to have thought plain upon; but which to be set within me as an instinct, as we do say; and this to mean, if that I try to set it in other words, that the tablets did keep the body and the spirit in such condition that the Forces of Evil did have the less power to act upon us. Yet, have I no remembering that I was taught in the preparation that I eat naught, save the tablets; and this mayhap never to have been set upon me; but to have been as a thing that doth never need to have been told; even as you shall not tell a grown man in this Age that he shall refrain from dung, and eat only wholesome matter. And truly, I to hope that I have made this thing somewise clear unto you; for, indeed, it doth be something hard to set out; for every Age hath the subtleties peculiar to that Age; and these to be hard to the understanding of other Ages, but yet to seem plain and utter natural, even without thought, unto the Peoples of the Age. And surely all this to be plain to you, and to be over-plain; for, in verity, I tell to you, and over-tell, until that I should be weary; and mayhap you to be the more so. And, indeed, I not to blame you; but only to hope that your understanding, which doth mean also in general your hearts, doth be with me all along my way. And, indeed, this my tale to be not easy told. And, in verity, I to be back now unto the Maid a-laugh upon me, and in the same moment deeply loving and a-lack that she could not feed me, and I to laugh with her, and to have understanding with her, as you to know; and, indeed, I to have an heart that doth be made someways natural unto understanding; so that even though I be dead when you read this, my tale, you to feel that we be friends, and to know that could I meet with you in pitiful trouble, I to have understanding and love to you, if that you be not utter brutish; and even-so, I to be sorrowful that you should be brutish, and to have understanding, in that I to know that by developement you to become wise unto sweetness and charity, and in love with all dear things, and kind pity of the rest. And thiswise you to be in human sympathy with me, because that you do feel that I be honest with you, and somewise even now to your elbow, as you read. And this to be writ now, and you mayhap not to be born a great while yet; but in the end to read and to have understanding with me, and to know how I did love Mine Own. And so we to go forward again, the closer, in that we do be the more knit in dear human sympathy. And surely the Maid kist me very nice on the lips, and did promise again how that she should make me a great meal when that we did come to our Mighty Home; and, indeed, as she to say, she to join with me, and we both to be naughty gluttons for that once. And, surely, I laughed gently at the Maid, because that she should be so dainty a glutton; but for my part, I to feel that I could eat an horse, as we do say in this Age. And by that we had eat and drunk and talked awhile, and lookt oft about, so that we know that no brutish thing came near, to our hurt, the Maid to tell me that my garments did be dry; and she then to give me aid that I dress very quick; and afterward she to help me with mine armour, the which she did wipe after that we had eat and drunk; and she to have had joy that she do this thing, and all things for me; and to have used a part of her torn garments to this end. And so, truly, I to be clothed and armed very speedy, and to feel eased and the more sure in my mind; for in verity, I was alway in unease, when that I did not be ready that I be able to meet any horrid Brute that should be like to come upon us. Now, when that I did be into mine armour again, the Maid to set the scrip and the pouch upon me, and all the while I scarce to be loosed of the Diskos, as ever. And we then to our way, which did be that we find a place proper to our slumber. And when that we did be gone all-ways, and no cave proper to our sight, we found a great tree, that did be set off alone, and had a plenty of branches; but none that did be near to the bottom-part. And surely, I gave the Maid a lift, and held her up so far as mine arms did go, so that she might stand upon the palms of my hands, and be steady against the trunk of the tree; and she thiswise to have a hold upon a branch, and so to go upward. And, truly, when that she was safe, I loosed one of the straps from the pouch and the scrip, and I cast this up to the Maid, and she set it strong about the branch. And when I had caught the downward end, I went upward very easy; and afterward took loose the strap; and this way we did be something safe, as you shall see. And we climbed upward then, and so came to a part of the tree where the branches did be very thick together; and we made here a place for our slumber, and the Maid set the cloak over the branches that did be so close, and afterward we lay down; but first I set the strap about her waist, and thence to a branch, and she to refuse sleep until that I be likewise; so that we did be both very safe from any fall. And she kist me, and we then to our slumber, and very weary; for it did be two and twenty hours, by this, since that we had sleep. Now we had eight hours in which we slept utter; and we both to awake, as it did seem in the same moment; but truly, I to think that Mine Own did be wakeful before that time; for, indeed, as she put her arms very dainty about my neck, that she kiss me, I did have a quick and sudden knowledge that I had been kist oft in my sleep, and this to have been but a little while gone. And surely, it did seem to me that Mine Own did have a sweet and contented Mischief inward of her eyes; but yet she to be very sedate outward, and to kiss me loving and dear, and then we to our breakfast, upon the cloak. And afterward, I climbed to the topmost branches of the tree, and lookt well over the Country all about; but there was no brutish thing to my sight in any place, neither near nor far. And I came down then to the Maid, and told her how that there was quietness of life all about. And we had our gear together, and went downward to the earth, and I to help Mine Own, and this way she to be safe. Now, as we went forward upon our journeying, I perceived that the Maid had a wayward air; and truly, I thought that she did have her heart all set toward naughtiness and mischief; and in the same moment that I was in this belief, I did know in mine understanding that this did spring from the workings of my nature upon the nature of Mine Own Maiden. And Naani to walk, in the first, beside me, and to have no word for me, because that she did be so filled with the stirrings of her naughtiness, that did be in the same moment very sweet unto me, and yet to waken all that did be masterful within me. And she to be that she did know, and to delight, in her secret heart that she waken that which did be masterful in me; but yet in the same moment to be strong determined that she be not mastered by me. And surely this to seem contrarywise in the words; but to be clear to the heart, if indeed you have ever been loved by a dear maid of an high spirit. And above all this, the Maid did be filled with a love for me, that did beat and dance in all her being; and this in truth to overweigh all; but yet from this same thing her dainty naughtiness to be born, because, as I did say, my manhood to stir all her nature up-wise in sweet trouble that did be half of rebellion, and half that she did ache that she be close unto me in mine arms. And, in verity, you to be with me in all these things, if that you have had the love-days beside a dear and dainty maid, of an high and pure and natural spirit; so that if you be old these days, even but the light merriment of a passing maiden to bring a pain of wonderings and golden memories upon your heart. And presently, I saw that Mine Own put a little space between us, as the naughtiness did work in her, as my heart to know; and she to be offward from me a little. And she still to have no speech with me; but in a little to begin that she sing in a low voice; and to have her pretty body very upright and lithesome, and to go forward with a wondrous dainty swing, so that my heart told me that she did all be stirred with small thrillings of defiance unto me, and with thrillings of love; and she to have the triumph of her Maidenhood and of her Womanhood, as it were both to contend in her and to thrill upon her tongue, and to show out the lilting and pretty warfare of her spirit that did go dancing and dearly naughty in her breast. And surely I went, very lifted in my heart, and astir; for it did be wondrous to me that this lovely Maid did be so utter mine. And to see but the way that she set her feet to the earth, and the way that she did lift them sure and dainty; and the way that her body did be poised, and the way of her head; and the way of her naughtiness and the sweetness and the love that did be wrapt in with all, did make me want that I have her in mine arms. But yet, I not to do this, because that in the same time that she did so stir me to love and admirings, she to set somewhat else in me at variance, so that I did half to feel stern with her, for I perceived that she had that naughtiness then within her, that she did be like to have a real intent of impertinence unto me, so that she should be naughtily outrageous, and to have no heed to my advisings, neither unto my desires, unless that I set my hand upon her, to _make_ her to obey. And truly, you that have had dear maids, shall follow mine explainings; but unto others, I know not whether they shall understand, until they too have been possessed of One that shall set all their heart adrift, even as this One that did be Mine Own. And sudden, I to know that Naani did change from her low singing unto an olden air that had surely not been heard in all that eternity. And in verity, for a little while, I not to know why that it did so shake all my heart; nor what it did be; nor whether that I had truly heard it before, or only to think so. And, surely, it did be as that the silence of the olden moonlit world did steal all about me; and sudden, I to know that the Maid did sing an olden love-song of the olden world, and to go halting a little as she sang, because that the words did steal something odd-wise through the far veils of her memory, even as a song doth come backward out of dreams. And I to feel all my blood to seem to tremble in my veins, and my throat to be troubled, as with vague sobs that did be the ghosts of forgotten tears. And the dim sorrow that had come so swift and strange upon me, to be likewise steeped in golden mists of the love that I once did love; and the glamour to be come all fresh upon me, and I to know in that moment how much we do forget, even when that we do believe that we have all memory and all sorrow within our hearts. And I lookt unto the Maid, something dimly, because of the way that I did be; and I perceived in a moment that Mine Own did weep as she walked; but the less with pain than with the strange anguish of Memory, that doth have in it Tenderness and Sorrow and Love and all that Hath Been and all that Did Never Be, and all to make a Vale unto the Spirit, where doth be both a dim greyness and a warm and everlasting light, and an utter speechlessness, and the low and far music of forgotten songs, that do come downward over the shadowy mountains that do be builded of Years and Forgetfulness, and yet made to be seen with the light of that our Memory, which doth cast so many husht shadows. And surely, as I did say, the Maid did weep as she went; but not to be cast down; but rather that she held her head upwise, as that she did walk in a glory. And the song to come oft-broke, and oddly, and to set her voice to little human quiverings, as her memory did shake her sweet spirit unto tears afresh; and she to walk with her pretty head upheld and as that she did go in a Triumph; and the tears to come down strangely upon her face, and all her soul to be there, pure and wondrous, and in the same time both troubled and glad. And this thing to be very dear and amazing; and she to be as that she not to know then that she sang; but as that she did be lost in her thoughts, as we do say, and this to have come sudden upon her, out of all her upliftedness of spirit, that had been like to make her very open unto all subtile and subtle powers of thought and inward stirrings, as you shall think. And again the song to come full-remembered, and fresh, as that this Eternity did be but the yesterday of that moment. And Mine Own to be all in a sweet madness with those half-dreamed memories, and the wonder and pain of all that no man hath ever said, and that shall be never said; and of the utter lost years, and all that hath been lost, and all forgotten greatness and splendour, and the dreadfulness of parting, and the loveliness of beautiful things that do be hid in the abyss of the years. And it did be sudden to my quickened fancy, that there did be low echoes all about us, of the voices of dear beautiful ones that have died; for so did memory set a strange and lovely mystery about my spirit in that moment, that I did be all shaken so much as Mine Own. And I to be as that I drew my breath anigh to tears, and did be there with Naani amid the quiet spareness of the trees and the rock of that part of the land; but yet did be to see half dimly that I stood within a light, even as the light that doth be the wonder of olden sunsets; and I to be, in the same time, both _that_ man and _this_ man that now doth write; and to have beside my spirit but one maid, that I did lack to know whether I say to her Naani or Mirdath; for though the two that have been Mine Own did be different-seeming to the eye, there to be but the spirit of one maid beside me in that moment. And surely, I did be there, all shaken unto the seeing of visions, as it did seem; so that the Land about me to have grown half as that it did lack that it be real unto my sight, because that I lookt inward unto Lands that did be of Memory. And lo! in a moment this to go; and I to be in that Country of the Seas, and to look newly unto Naani, and she to go as I have told; and there to be the lonesome trees and the rocks in all parts for a great way about. And sudden, as I lookt at Mine Own, she to come round unto me, and she held out her arms, and did gaze at me with such a love, as that she were transfigured, and to need strangely that she | feel | How many times the word 'feel' appears in the text? | 3 |
within the metal of mine head-gear, where the guards did come down at the sides; and she to kiss me very sober upon the lips; but yet to mean utter by that kiss. And I not to return the kiss; for I saw that it did not be her need. Now, in the beginning of the fourth hour, as I did go with the Maid, I to see afar off one of the half-bird monsters, that I did see before upon this place where there did be naught save great stones and boulders for a great way that did be many miles. And truly, I to hide very swift with the Maid, where two great boulders did come together; and surely the bird-creature to go past at no great way, and to go with a great bounding, that did be half of flight and half of leaping, as that it did be too weighty in the body to make to fly proper. And, indeed, I to have a sudden memory how that there did be a picture in some book that I did read in the Mighty Pyramid, where it did show such a bird-thing as this; and to make remark in the book that these things had been seen no more in the Night Land for a score thousand of years, or more; and to be extinct, as we do say. But, indeed, now I do think that they did be come downward to that warm Country, a great while gone, and so to have new life and to breed through a great age, and this way to have set a pattern unto the Humans. And, in verity, it might be that in some age that did be far after that time, the Humans to find some way to journey from the Pyramid, and to build a new Refuge in that deep Country; and mayhap the Humans thiswise to have a new space of life, after that all the Night Land did be dead and lost in the bitter frost of Eternity. But this, indeed, to be no more than an odd thought; for how might any great multitude pass the Monsters; and I to ask that you take it for nothing of fact, but only as of my suppositions; and thiswise to come back again to happenings. Now, when the bird-thing did be gone a long way off, I to go forward again with Mine Own, and to have a new care, and to look very swift and frequent everyway. And, truly, it did be as that the creatures did inhabit that part of the Country; for in an hour after that, I to see a good score. And, I to free the Diskos from my hip, and to have it ready in mine arms beside the Maid; and so to journey. And many times I to have to hide with Mine Own, and to crouch low among the rocks and the boulders; and this way to escape free of all for a great while. Yet, when that the fifth hour did be nigh gone, I heard a noise sudden to my back, as we did go over a clear space. And, in verity, there did be one of the monsters that came upward over certain rocks that were to my rearward; and surely it to have been stayed hid there, or resting, and to have heard us or to have smelled us; but anywise then to have knowledge of us, and to come with low and brutish heavy boundings, very lumbersome, after us. And I lookt everyway in a moment; but there was nowhere any shelter anigh. And the Maid to leap sudden from mine arms, that I be free with the Diskos; and I to look swift to her, and to see that she have her knife ready in her hand, that she might chance to aid me. But surely I might not fight in ease of mind, if that Mine Own did be needless in danger; and I caught her very quick by the waist, and set her upon the ground between my feet. And she to make half to refuse; but I to have no time for explaining, and to be sharp that I have her safe; so that I gave her a little shake that did sudden to make her feel the strength in me; and she then to be instant quiet in my hands, and to let me that I set her upon her face, and to cast the thick cloak above her; and in a moment to be stood over her, and to set down the visor of mine head-gear, lest that the bird-monster strike me in the face. And surely, the bird-thing did be scarce an hundred good paces off; and to make two lumbering and monstrous bounds, and to come at me. Yet, truly, it made sudden a pause, because that the Diskos did roar and send out fire, as I made it to spin; but in an instant the great thing to come in at me upon the left side, and to strike me very hard with the bill, that did be so long as mine arm, and had surely gone through my body, if that I had been naked. And the bill of the monster rang upon mine armour; and it smote me twice thiswise, so that I staggered very sick and shaken. But in a moment, as it made to draw off, that it should come the more hard upon me, I swung the Diskos very sure and quick, and I smote the Bird-thing above the place where the great seeming-leathern wing did join upon the right side, as it should be the shoulder of the Bird-monster. And, in verity, the monster gave out a mighty squarking, and went backward this way and that, and beat all about upon the stones, and did strike with the great bill at the place where it did be hurt. And I heeded that I end it swiftly; and I ran in upon it, and the creature to strike at me with the great bill, very savage. But I jumpt speedy to this side, and again to that, and so in a moment to have chance to come in surely. And truly I split the skull of the Bird-thing, so that it died very quick and was gone from pain. And the Bird-creature lay all spread upon the stones and the rock of that place; and surely it did be as that it were leathern, and made somewise as a bat doth be of this age, in that it did have no feathers. And, truly, it lookt mighty, where it did be spread; and indeed the body to be full so big as the body of a young horse; and the bill to be very deadly and sharp and cumbrous, as you to have guessed. And I to be all and utter thankful that it did be there, dead, in the stead of mine own body. And the thing yet to twitch and stir a little, as the life did go from it. And surely I was back then very speedy to the Maid, and she to be kneeled upward to watch me. And I took her into mine arms, and lookt well about; and made then forward again. And about the middle part of the sixth hour of crossing that rocky land, I saw that we did draw near unto the shallow river, that you shall mind I came over, after that I had done with the olden flying ship. And in all that time, since the Bird-monster to come after us, I had seen but two more, and they a great way off, so that I guessed that I was come beyond that part where they did go very frequent. And I to wade over the river, and to carry Mine Own upon one arm, the while that I did sound my way with the staff of the Diskos; and truly I came across very easy, save that I did have to go around somewhat, where that the river did seem to have a deep place. And when that we had crost the river, it did be full one and twenty hours since that we slumbered, as you shall know, if that you but count a little; for you do mind that we spent a certain time within the tree, as I have told; and this not to have been proper counted into the time of our journeying. And surely, the Maid to have been very quiet, since that I did show my strength a little to her, when that I made her to lie, that she be safe from the bill of the Bird-monster. But she not to be anywise in anger upon me; but only, as I do think, that the woman in her did be something fresh waked unto me; and she to be very content that she be quiet in mine arms. Now the place that we were come to, was much spread with boulders; but yet to have the beginnings again of the forests, as you to remember; for I to have made some small remark of the land in this part, upon mine outward way. And we lookt about for a fire-hole, that I should dry my lower garments; and truly, we had not past many in a great while; but we to be in fortune, that we came soon upon a little fire-hill that did be no more than so high as a man, and to have the rock all hot about; so that this did be a good place to our purpose. And I kist the Maid, and set her down out of mine arms; and when that I had lookt well about, and seen that there did be naught to our sight to give us to fear, the Maid to help me with mine armour; and afterward with my garments, and to ease me all ways that she could think of with helpfulness. And she set the garments of my lower parts to dry, and whilst that they did be drying, she to make ready the water and the tablets, and to have me to sit beside her, in my body-vest and gear, and we to eat and drink very comfortable in the warm hollow that was something anigh to the small fire-hill. Now, truly, I did be very hungry that time, and indeed to be alway so, for the tablets did be very unfilling to the belly, as you do well know from my tellings. And when that I did be finished, I saw that the Maid lookt at me somewise oddways, and sudden she to come into laughter, and askt me whether that I did be very empty; and in the same moment there to be a wondrous dear look within her eyes; so that I perceived that there went a mother-note under her impudence. And she to yearn, as I could know, that she have some way to feed me; but truly there did be no way, for we thought not to make to slay aught for our purpose, and we did be feared that we eat any root or plant, lest that we be ill. And this to seem strange to my spirit of this our age, but to be natural unto that; so that I do think I did be so long bred from the primal obtaining of food, that I did be all lost to that which should seem natural unto the peoples of this early age of the world; though we truly to think that the world doth even now be old; and this to have seemed a true thing unto every age that ever did live. Now, beside that we did lack somewise to think serious that we slay something to eat, in that the tablets did actually suffice to our strength, I to believe that there did be some other reason that I do forget, and mayhap never to have thought plain upon; but which to be set within me as an instinct, as we do say; and this to mean, if that I try to set it in other words, that the tablets did keep the body and the spirit in such condition that the Forces of Evil did have the less power to act upon us. Yet, have I no remembering that I was taught in the preparation that I eat naught, save the tablets; and this mayhap never to have been set upon me; but to have been as a thing that doth never need to have been told; even as you shall not tell a grown man in this Age that he shall refrain from dung, and eat only wholesome matter. And truly, I to hope that I have made this thing somewise clear unto you; for, indeed, it doth be something hard to set out; for every Age hath the subtleties peculiar to that Age; and these to be hard to the understanding of other Ages, but yet to seem plain and utter natural, even without thought, unto the Peoples of the Age. And surely all this to be plain to you, and to be over-plain; for, in verity, I tell to you, and over-tell, until that I should be weary; and mayhap you to be the more so. And, indeed, I not to blame you; but only to hope that your understanding, which doth mean also in general your hearts, doth be with me all along my way. And, indeed, this my tale to be not easy told. And, in verity, I to be back now unto the Maid a-laugh upon me, and in the same moment deeply loving and a-lack that she could not feed me, and I to laugh with her, and to have understanding with her, as you to know; and, indeed, I to have an heart that doth be made someways natural unto understanding; so that even though I be dead when you read this, my tale, you to feel that we be friends, and to know that could I meet with you in pitiful trouble, I to have understanding and love to you, if that you be not utter brutish; and even-so, I to be sorrowful that you should be brutish, and to have understanding, in that I to know that by developement you to become wise unto sweetness and charity, and in love with all dear things, and kind pity of the rest. And thiswise you to be in human sympathy with me, because that you do feel that I be honest with you, and somewise even now to your elbow, as you read. And this to be writ now, and you mayhap not to be born a great while yet; but in the end to read and to have understanding with me, and to know how I did love Mine Own. And so we to go forward again, the closer, in that we do be the more knit in dear human sympathy. And surely the Maid kist me very nice on the lips, and did promise again how that she should make me a great meal when that we did come to our Mighty Home; and, indeed, as she to say, she to join with me, and we both to be naughty gluttons for that once. And, surely, I laughed gently at the Maid, because that she should be so dainty a glutton; but for my part, I to feel that I could eat an horse, as we do say in this Age. And by that we had eat and drunk and talked awhile, and lookt oft about, so that we know that no brutish thing came near, to our hurt, the Maid to tell me that my garments did be dry; and she then to give me aid that I dress very quick; and afterward she to help me with mine armour, the which she did wipe after that we had eat and drunk; and she to have had joy that she do this thing, and all things for me; and to have used a part of her torn garments to this end. And so, truly, I to be clothed and armed very speedy, and to feel eased and the more sure in my mind; for in verity, I was alway in unease, when that I did not be ready that I be able to meet any horrid Brute that should be like to come upon us. Now, when that I did be into mine armour again, the Maid to set the scrip and the pouch upon me, and all the while I scarce to be loosed of the Diskos, as ever. And we then to our way, which did be that we find a place proper to our slumber. And when that we did be gone all-ways, and no cave proper to our sight, we found a great tree, that did be set off alone, and had a plenty of branches; but none that did be near to the bottom-part. And surely, I gave the Maid a lift, and held her up so far as mine arms did go, so that she might stand upon the palms of my hands, and be steady against the trunk of the tree; and she thiswise to have a hold upon a branch, and so to go upward. And, truly, when that she was safe, I loosed one of the straps from the pouch and the scrip, and I cast this up to the Maid, and she set it strong about the branch. And when I had caught the downward end, I went upward very easy; and afterward took loose the strap; and this way we did be something safe, as you shall see. And we climbed upward then, and so came to a part of the tree where the branches did be very thick together; and we made here a place for our slumber, and the Maid set the cloak over the branches that did be so close, and afterward we lay down; but first I set the strap about her waist, and thence to a branch, and she to refuse sleep until that I be likewise; so that we did be both very safe from any fall. And she kist me, and we then to our slumber, and very weary; for it did be two and twenty hours, by this, since that we had sleep. Now we had eight hours in which we slept utter; and we both to awake, as it did seem in the same moment; but truly, I to think that Mine Own did be wakeful before that time; for, indeed, as she put her arms very dainty about my neck, that she kiss me, I did have a quick and sudden knowledge that I had been kist oft in my sleep, and this to have been but a little while gone. And surely, it did seem to me that Mine Own did have a sweet and contented Mischief inward of her eyes; but yet she to be very sedate outward, and to kiss me loving and dear, and then we to our breakfast, upon the cloak. And afterward, I climbed to the topmost branches of the tree, and lookt well over the Country all about; but there was no brutish thing to my sight in any place, neither near nor far. And I came down then to the Maid, and told her how that there was quietness of life all about. And we had our gear together, and went downward to the earth, and I to help Mine Own, and this way she to be safe. Now, as we went forward upon our journeying, I perceived that the Maid had a wayward air; and truly, I thought that she did have her heart all set toward naughtiness and mischief; and in the same moment that I was in this belief, I did know in mine understanding that this did spring from the workings of my nature upon the nature of Mine Own Maiden. And Naani to walk, in the first, beside me, and to have no word for me, because that she did be so filled with the stirrings of her naughtiness, that did be in the same moment very sweet unto me, and yet to waken all that did be masterful within me. And she to be that she did know, and to delight, in her secret heart that she waken that which did be masterful in me; but yet in the same moment to be strong determined that she be not mastered by me. And surely this to seem contrarywise in the words; but to be clear to the heart, if indeed you have ever been loved by a dear maid of an high spirit. And above all this, the Maid did be filled with a love for me, that did beat and dance in all her being; and this in truth to overweigh all; but yet from this same thing her dainty naughtiness to be born, because, as I did say, my manhood to stir all her nature up-wise in sweet trouble that did be half of rebellion, and half that she did ache that she be close unto me in mine arms. And, in verity, you to be with me in all these things, if that you have had the love-days beside a dear and dainty maid, of an high and pure and natural spirit; so that if you be old these days, even but the light merriment of a passing maiden to bring a pain of wonderings and golden memories upon your heart. And presently, I saw that Mine Own put a little space between us, as the naughtiness did work in her, as my heart to know; and she to be offward from me a little. And she still to have no speech with me; but in a little to begin that she sing in a low voice; and to have her pretty body very upright and lithesome, and to go forward with a wondrous dainty swing, so that my heart told me that she did all be stirred with small thrillings of defiance unto me, and with thrillings of love; and she to have the triumph of her Maidenhood and of her Womanhood, as it were both to contend in her and to thrill upon her tongue, and to show out the lilting and pretty warfare of her spirit that did go dancing and dearly naughty in her breast. And surely I went, very lifted in my heart, and astir; for it did be wondrous to me that this lovely Maid did be so utter mine. And to see but the way that she set her feet to the earth, and the way that she did lift them sure and dainty; and the way that her body did be poised, and the way of her head; and the way of her naughtiness and the sweetness and the love that did be wrapt in with all, did make me want that I have her in mine arms. But yet, I not to do this, because that in the same time that she did so stir me to love and admirings, she to set somewhat else in me at variance, so that I did half to feel stern with her, for I perceived that she had that naughtiness then within her, that she did be like to have a real intent of impertinence unto me, so that she should be naughtily outrageous, and to have no heed to my advisings, neither unto my desires, unless that I set my hand upon her, to _make_ her to obey. And truly, you that have had dear maids, shall follow mine explainings; but unto others, I know not whether they shall understand, until they too have been possessed of One that shall set all their heart adrift, even as this One that did be Mine Own. And sudden, I to know that Naani did change from her low singing unto an olden air that had surely not been heard in all that eternity. And in verity, for a little while, I not to know why that it did so shake all my heart; nor what it did be; nor whether that I had truly heard it before, or only to think so. And, surely, it did be as that the silence of the olden moonlit world did steal all about me; and sudden, I to know that the Maid did sing an olden love-song of the olden world, and to go halting a little as she sang, because that the words did steal something odd-wise through the far veils of her memory, even as a song doth come backward out of dreams. And I to feel all my blood to seem to tremble in my veins, and my throat to be troubled, as with vague sobs that did be the ghosts of forgotten tears. And the dim sorrow that had come so swift and strange upon me, to be likewise steeped in golden mists of the love that I once did love; and the glamour to be come all fresh upon me, and I to know in that moment how much we do forget, even when that we do believe that we have all memory and all sorrow within our hearts. And I lookt unto the Maid, something dimly, because of the way that I did be; and I perceived in a moment that Mine Own did weep as she walked; but the less with pain than with the strange anguish of Memory, that doth have in it Tenderness and Sorrow and Love and all that Hath Been and all that Did Never Be, and all to make a Vale unto the Spirit, where doth be both a dim greyness and a warm and everlasting light, and an utter speechlessness, and the low and far music of forgotten songs, that do come downward over the shadowy mountains that do be builded of Years and Forgetfulness, and yet made to be seen with the light of that our Memory, which doth cast so many husht shadows. And surely, as I did say, the Maid did weep as she went; but not to be cast down; but rather that she held her head upwise, as that she did walk in a glory. And the song to come oft-broke, and oddly, and to set her voice to little human quiverings, as her memory did shake her sweet spirit unto tears afresh; and she to walk with her pretty head upheld and as that she did go in a Triumph; and the tears to come down strangely upon her face, and all her soul to be there, pure and wondrous, and in the same time both troubled and glad. And this thing to be very dear and amazing; and she to be as that she not to know then that she sang; but as that she did be lost in her thoughts, as we do say, and this to have come sudden upon her, out of all her upliftedness of spirit, that had been like to make her very open unto all subtile and subtle powers of thought and inward stirrings, as you shall think. And again the song to come full-remembered, and fresh, as that this Eternity did be but the yesterday of that moment. And Mine Own to be all in a sweet madness with those half-dreamed memories, and the wonder and pain of all that no man hath ever said, and that shall be never said; and of the utter lost years, and all that hath been lost, and all forgotten greatness and splendour, and the dreadfulness of parting, and the loveliness of beautiful things that do be hid in the abyss of the years. And it did be sudden to my quickened fancy, that there did be low echoes all about us, of the voices of dear beautiful ones that have died; for so did memory set a strange and lovely mystery about my spirit in that moment, that I did be all shaken so much as Mine Own. And I to be as that I drew my breath anigh to tears, and did be there with Naani amid the quiet spareness of the trees and the rock of that part of the land; but yet did be to see half dimly that I stood within a light, even as the light that doth be the wonder of olden sunsets; and I to be, in the same time, both _that_ man and _this_ man that now doth write; and to have beside my spirit but one maid, that I did lack to know whether I say to her Naani or Mirdath; for though the two that have been Mine Own did be different-seeming to the eye, there to be but the spirit of one maid beside me in that moment. And surely, I did be there, all shaken unto the seeing of visions, as it did seem; so that the Land about me to have grown half as that it did lack that it be real unto my sight, because that I lookt inward unto Lands that did be of Memory. And lo! in a moment this to go; and I to be in that Country of the Seas, and to look newly unto Naani, and she to go as I have told; and there to be the lonesome trees and the rocks in all parts for a great way about. And sudden, as I lookt at Mine Own, she to come round unto me, and she held out her arms, and did gaze at me with such a love, as that she were transfigured, and to need strangely that she | humans | How many times the word 'humans' appears in the text? | 3 |
without looking over... CLARENCE Not everyone sits around dreaming of playing in the NBA, you know. 25. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Maybe not. But you do. TWIGGY MUNSON Yeah, that's all you ever talk about. MONIX You're not jealous, are you Clarence? CLARENCE No one calls me Clarence. BEE BEE ELLIS His name's Downtown. MONIX Okay Downtown. I'll make sure Downtown is only referred to as Downtown, okay Downtown? CLARENCE Don't think I don't know what you're doing. You're doing that thing where you pretend to mean what you say, but you don't. BEE BEE ELLIS Sarcasm. CLARENCE Yeah. How'd you like that sarcasm smacked off your face? MONIX Bring it, funky stuff. BEE BEE ELLIS That's sarcasm, man. He's doing it again! CLARENCE (to Bee Bee) I got this, alright? Monix squares off with a smile that says 'hit me.' Clarence takes off his leather full length and folds it nicely. CLARENCE (in Monix's face) How'd you like a knuckle sandwich? 26. MONIX Knuckle sandwich? Who says that? CLARENCE I do motherfucker. I'm gonna pound you so hard, you're-- MONIX REARS HIS FIST BACK, about to release a strong Popeye HOOK-- CLARENCE WAIT! CLARENCE IMMEDIATELY SWITCHES GEARS, PUTTING HIS HANDS UP LIKE A SCARED LITTLE GIRL. CLARENCE (like a sissy) --WAIT! OKAY? COOL COOL COOL. CHILL OUT, MAN, ALRIGHT? WE'RE COOL-- BAM. MONIX PUNCHES CLARENCE IN THE STOMACH ANYWAY. BEE BEE ELLIS YESSS! I LIKE IT! IT'S OUR OWN TEAM, BUT I LIKE IT. One of the party people, a ball girl, GAYLE, interrupts. GAYLE Excuse me boys. You mind, if I borrow your friend for a minute? INT. DANCE FLOOR - MEANWHILE Jackie is dancing to his own song, still wearing the ice packs on his knees. The song ends and A DIFFERENT ONE STARTS. JACKIE MOON (looking to the DJ) Hold on a second. MELINDA What's wrong? JACKIE MOON Where's the boogie? Jackie fights his way through the crowd to the DJ booth. JACKIE MOON (to DJ, over music) HEY! WHERE'S THE BOOGIE? 27. DJ I ALREADY PLAYED YOUR SONG FOUR TIMES. JACKIE MOON GET UP. DJ NO. YOU CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS, JACKIE. I'M THE DJ. JACKIE MOON (taking over as DJ) NOT ANY MORE. YOU'RE ON SNACK PATROL. SCREECH -- The music stops. JACKIE MOON (into the mic) The year was 1973. A young musician named Jackie Moon, finishes years of musical training, only to find he is a slave to the notes on the page. He knows it's time to break free. In a sudden fit of creative mastery, he grabs a pen and a napkin and writes a song that breaks all the rules. Ladies and gentleman... Let's get sweaty. MUSIC CUE: Jackie's song. Everyone goes crazy. JACKIE MOON (V.0.) (studio version) Baby, who wants to; love me sexy. baby, are you ready to; lick me sexy. Take off your shoes and; suck me sexy. Baby, we're naked and we're; humping sexy-- INT. DAIQUIRI ROOM - NIGHT Gayle and Monix walk upstairs into the 'coolest' room ever. Carpet on the ceiling, a plaid couch, a fish tank, a water bed, mirrors, etc. GAYLE I'm glad they traded for you, I got myself a cute one. MONIX So, this is the Daiquiri room? 28. LUCY MOON (O.S. ) That's right. REVEAL: LUCY MOON, Jackie's wife, is on the couch. She's the hottest girl in the world. LUCY MOON What do you think, Gayle? Does he like it with my boots on, or does he like my boots off? GAYLE He seems like a boots on kind of guy. LUCY MOON Then it looks like I'm ready. As soon as you slide these shorts off of me. MONIX Aren't you Jackie's wife? LUCY MOON He knows about the Daiquiri room. GAYLE It's a new tradition we're starting, when new players join. MONIX I see. Well, I'm going to have to pass. I'm good, thanks. LUCY MOON Honey, you don't know what good is. With that, Lucy flicks on the stereo-- MUSIC CUE: THE BAR KEYS 'TOO HOT TO STOP.' MONIX Listen um... (i.e. what's your name?) GAYLE My name is 'no strings attached.' LUCY MOON You can call me Mrs. Moon. Gayle and Lucy perform a funky/seductive dance, moving closer and closer to Monix. 29. MONIX I don't think this is going to happen, Mrs. Moon. LUCY MOON It has to. GAYLE It's bad luck if you don't. MONIX Yeah, I'd hate to bring bad luck to Flint Michigan. Lucy has sprayed some WHIP CREAM on her nipples. LUCY MOON (whip cream) Why don't you lick these clean for me? MONIX I can't eat dairy. Lucy decides that now is a good time to aggressively KISS him. Monix pushes her away. MONIX Nice tits, Mrs. Moon. I gotta go. Monix walks down the stairs. LUCY MOON (calling after him) I see what this is: You want us to send Eric and Marcus up here? On the way out, Monix flicks her off. INT. LYNN'S HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT Lynn is asleep next to Kyle. She awakes to someone pounding on the door. EXT. LYNN'S FRONT YARD - NIGHT Lynn has arrived at the screen door. Monix, wasted, doesn't notice Lynn yet, he keeps pounding until she opens it. LYNN Why are you here? 30. MONIX I got traded. LYNN I mean, why are you here? MONIX Can we talk? KYLE (O.S.) --Yo, Monix, you're wasted! Ha! Kyle has come out to say hi. MONIX Yeah. Sorry man-- KYLE What's up! That of jump shot of yours ain't broke yet, is it? MONIX No. Ha. KYLE Great back door cut for the lay-up in the third. That's how basketball should be played. MONIX Kyle, can you give us a second? We need to talk. KYLE No problem. Great game tonight man. MONIX Why does your boyfriend like me so much? LYNN You're his favorite player. MONIX Look, there are still some things I think we need to talk about. LYNN I've already said everything I'm ever going to say to you. 31. MONIX I see. (BEAT) Well, I guess I'll be leaving then. Monix walks away... Then turns back. MONIX You're really not going to stop me? LYNN No. Monix walks more, until Lynn speaks. LYNN You're going to end up walking with a cane the rest of your life. You have to quit. MONIX And do what? LYNN I don't know... Kill yourself, I guess. MONIX Kill myself? LYNN You act like there's nothing else in the world besides basketball. If that's how you really feel, then go ahead and get it over with. I'm going to sleep. MONIX Thanks for the pep. talk. LYNN No problem. MONIX Lynn. (she opens the door again) Can I ask you for one favor? LYNN You want a favor? MONIX My knee. 32. LYNN Oh, Jesus Christ Monix. It's 4 a.m. Lynn stares at him in disbelief. Monix shrugs. MONIX No one here can drain it right. LYNN Fine. Monix nods, then makes a move toward the door. LYNN No. You're not coming in. We'll do it in the yard. DISSOLVE TO: INT. JACKIE'S MONTE CARLO - DAYS LATER Jackie drives in his car, practicing for the meeting. tries to build some confidence. JACKIE MOON (into the rear view, very CIVILIZED) Well, hello Commissioner -- Why sure, I would love one of your Puerto Rican cigars -- Oh, I know I'm a legitimate owner, you don't have to tell me that -- We're merging with the NBA? Oh, that's nice -- Ha Ha Ha! Good one, Commish ... EXT. INDIANAPOLIS - CONTINUOUS A brick building on the outskirts of Indianapolis. A sign says. WELCOME ABA OWNERS. Jackie pulls into the lot and parks. He looks in the mirror one last time. JACKIE MOON Your Mom would be proud of you today. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS Not-quite-Rich guys surround a large oak table. JACKIE is by far the youngest of the owners. 33. COMMISH .I'm sure each of you have heard the rumors. And I'm here to tell you, the rumors are true. The ABA will be merging with the NBA at the end of this season. JACKIE MOON YES!!! (to an old guy) GIVE ME TEN, NORTON! YES!! (fists to the ceiling) EVERYONE CAN EAT SHIT! I AM THE GREATEST MAN IN THE WORLD! COMMISH Our league is sold. And the NBA agreed to all of our financial demands! Now Jackie turns inward, more quietly intense. This is, without question, the greatest moment of his life. JACKIE MOON (to himself) You're a real owner. You're in the NBA. COMMISH Four of our teams will be absorbed into the NBA family, the rest of you will terminate operations. JACKIE MOON Exactly! You know it! (now hearing) I'm sorry, wait, what? COMMISH The Nuggets, The Nets, The Spurs and the Pacers will play in the NBA next year. The rest of us will dissolve. JACKIE MOON Dissolve? Dissolve, like, how? How do I dissolve into the NBA? The winning owners look at each other, not sure how to handle Jackie. JACKIE MOON What's happening? 34. COMMISH I'm sorry Jackie. We all know how. emotional you get. We waited until the very last second to tell you. Jackie pounds the table. JACKIE MOON No. NO! NO!!! He kicks over his chair... THE COMMISH We know you're upset, Jackie. But you'll be very well compensated. LOSING OWNER #1 Everyone's agreed to a very large sum. JACKIE MOON I don't want a sum! I want my team! (to the losing owners) C'mon you guys, you're not going to just sit here and take the money, are you? They are. JACKIE MOON (to winning owners) What do the Spurs have that we don't? THE COMMISH A huge fan base. A brand new stadium. A solid economic growth package, including strong tax incentives. JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon, that's BULLSHIT! COMMISH The NBA is taking four teams, Jackie, there's nothing I can do. Jackie goes quiet, thinking... An epic idea hits him. JACKIE MOON The best four teams should go. 35. COMMISH What? JACKIE MOON Forget the huge fan base, the stadiums, the economic... (a little lost) Growing... package... inventions... WINNING OWNER #1 (correcting him) Economic growth pack-- JACKIE MOON I KNOW WHAT I SAID! (to the room) The four teams with the best records should merge. LOSING OWNER #2 He's right. LOSING OWNER #1 Yeah, that's the fairest way. COMMISH These four teams DO have the best records. Flint's only won six games all year! JACKIE MOON So far. The season isn't over. LOSING OWNER #2 Yeah, maybe we should finish the season first. COMMISH This plan sounds like a lot of fun, but it's too late. The commissioner, me, has already decided. LOSING OWNER #2 Actually, the terms of a merger can only be approved by a league mandate. JACKIE MOON YES. That's right. What he said. 36. LOSING OWNER #1 I move that we vote on the terms of the merger. EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NEXT DAY The team sits around the parking lot, sitting on their duffle bags, dejected. Jackie is having a team meeting. JACKIE MOON C'mon you guys, let's try to stay psyched. This is a chance to become a real NBA franchise! CLARENCE There's no way we can make it to fourth place. It's mathematically impossible. JACKIE MOON I ran the numbers. All we have to do is win about eighty-two percent of our remaining games. CLARENCE Eighty-two percent? Isn't that a lot? JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon! We just gotta start hitting our threes. (guys look around, unsure) Listen, I know this seems like bad news, but it doesn't have to be. This is a big road trip for us. We've just got to start playing solid Flint basketball. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY I don't know. We suck, man. JACKIE SLAPS SCOOTSIE. JACKIE MOON (re: The slap) Sorry. JACKIE SLAPS HIM AGAIN, HARDER. JACKIE MOON We do not suck, okay? We just have to want it! 37. Pumped, Jackie walks around with his hands on his hips. BEE BEE ELLIS What do you think, Monix? All eyes turn on the grumpy one. MONIX I think we suck. JACKIE MOON Well... See, now there's some team unity! Now let's load up the jet. REVEAL: A SHITTY SCHOOL BUS has the words 'THE JET!' Spray- painted in graffiti letters with a palm tree next to it. JACKIE MOON (as they load up) Now we've got a special treat. You know I take care of my family. Today, the Jet is catered. I had Downtown's Mom pack us some hot dish. BEE BEE ELLIS Ms. Quincy's hot dish? Sweet! INT. BUS - CONTINUOUS The guys load up. It's so packed it's ridiculous. Everyone tries to stuff their gear somewhere and sit down. Jackie carries a big pot of hot dish, accidentally burning Scootsie's back. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Ah, watch the hot dish, man. JACKIE MOON Sorry Scootsie. TWIGGY MUNSON Hey Jackie, there's some dude out there, wants to talk to you. POV: Out the window, we can see DUKES, the full court shot winner, holding his GIANT CHECK and looking into the bus. He's still shirtless, with a star-spangled headband. EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - MOMENTS LATER Jackie and Dukes are next to the bus, discussing the check. 38. DUKES I tried Jackie. They won't take it. They said it's 'symbolic.' JACKIE MOON What does symbolic mean? DUKES I don't know. But they said I need a real check. JACKIE MOON I don't know what your bank is talking about. That is a real check. I signed it myself. DUKES It's written in glitter, dude. Can't you just give me, like, a regular sized one? JACKIE MOON I don't get it. People are usually able to cash these. Maybe you should try another bank. (trying to wrap it up) If you run into any more trouble, let me know. DUKES Okay Jackie, thanks man. JACKIE MOON Any time, congratulations. Jackie turns away from Dukes and exhales, walking back to the bus. MUSIC CUE: 'SHORT PEOPLE' BY RANDY NEWMAN. EXT. THE HIGHWAY - DAY We're flying down the highway. INT. THE JET - DAY Kong, the small Asian player, is driving, singing along with Jackie to the radio... JACKIE MOON & KONG (singing Randy Newman) SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... 39. SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE Jackie reaches up into a special bin and takes out some beef jerky, then yells out the window. JACKIE (out the window at a car) YOU IN-THE-GREEN-CAR GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE... Pan back to see the whole team crammed into tiny seats. Vakidis has his knees pointing straight toward the ceiling. Twiggy Munson is reading '70's pornography. Clarence is sewing a new name onto his jersey. The rest of the guys are eating their hot dish. MONIX So, Clarence, what's in this 'hot dish' anyway? CLARENCE My Mom cooked your ass a whole Damn meal, why you gotta go asking what's in it? MONIX It's a compliment. It's good. CLARENCE If it's good, then it's good. Why do you gotta know what's in it? What's in hot dish? Hot dish is in hot dish, asshole. BEE BEE and SCOOTSIE look over the seat, facing them. BEE BEE ELLIS Hey Monix, what were the Celtics like? MONIX They were fast. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Fast? No one's faster than me. I should be on the Celtics. MONIX (pointing to his mind) Fast up here. 40. BEE BEE ELLIS You're supposed to be Mr. Smartball. Why'd you get bounced? MONIX Well, you have to be able to jump too. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Hey, let us see that ring again. MONIX Not right now, okay Twiggy? CLARENCE Isn't it a little embarrassing wearing that thing everyday? MONIX Embarrassing? CLARENCE You call yourself a Celtic? You sat through every single playoff game. You didn't see action once. And now you walk around wearing the ice like you're Bill Russel. Well you ain't. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, you're just jealous. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Yeah, Monix played solid minutes, for lots of teams. He's played in the NBA, that's more than you can say. CLARENCE Whatever. At least I never sat on the bench and then called myself a champion. You didn't do shit for that Celtic team. If I was Dave Cowens, I'd yank that ring right off your neck. That was a pretty heated exchange. Monix looks like he's got something to say, but he doesn't. Clarence has the last word. CLARENCE He doesn't wear it on his finger because he knows he didn't earn it. He didn't even play. 41. Monix looks out the window. EXT. ROAD GAME #1 - NIGHT 'The Jet' is parked outside the arena. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) We're just a few minutes away from game one of the Tropic's 6 game road trip. With talk of an NBA merger hitting the league, there's a new electricity surrounding tonight's game... INT. VISITOR'S LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT Jackie addresses his team before tip off. JACKIE MOON Alright. Now, a lot of people out there are writing us off. A lot people are saying things like 'Jackie Moon is an offensive liability.' They're saying 'Flint's turnovers led to sixty fast break points per game.' (Making this up) They're saying 'Bee Bee's retarded brother is so retarded that his eyes look too big,. Like a French Bulldog. BEE BEE ELLIS No one said that, man. JACKIE MOON (trying to motivate) Yes they did. And we're going to use it as motivation, okay? THIS IS OUR TIME! WE'RE GOING TO SHOOT MORE THAN WE'VE EVER SHOT BEFORE! NOW BRING IT IN! READY? ONE TWO THREE- EVERYONE LET'S GET TROPICAL! MONTAGE: FLINT PLAYS HARDER BUT THEY STILL SUCK. GAME 1) JACKIE MOON sprints across the floor tries to get two f eet planted in the lane. It's not even close, JACKIE HAS TAKEN A GUY DOWN HARD. The ref whistles a blocking foul. 42. JACKIE MOON OH, C'MON!? Where's the charge, Father Pat? FATHER PAT THE REF Both feet weren't planted. JACKIE MOON OH, SUCK MY COCK. I WILL MURDER YOUR FAMILY. FATHER PAT THE REF That's it, you're out. JACKIE MOON What!? What did I say? Jackie takes a ball and drop kicks it, PUNTING IT high up into the rafters. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: COLONELS 111 TROPICS 92. GAME 2) MONIX drives the lane, fast and smart -- A no-look pass hits Scootsie Double-Day in the shoulder. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY AH. MY COLLAR BONE! BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: SQUIRES 90 TROPICS 70. GAME 3) CLARENCE and BEE BEE jog back on Defense. CLARENCE I ain't guarding my guy anymore. BEE BEE ELLIS Why not? CLARENCE He's too'Damn sweaty, man. (re: his wet uniform) Look at me. BEE BEE ELLIS Gross. Well, I ain't guarding him. Monix notices this discussion. MONIX Quit talking and play defense! The sweaty guy backs in on Clarence, posting up top. 44. GAME 5) Jackie Moon plays great defense, rejecting a shot! Monix grabs the ball and dribbles on a fast break. Clarence trails, in perfect position... CLARENCE Right on! I'm open baby! Try a behind-the-back! Monix delivers a nice two handed bounce pass, but Clarence isn't ready for anything fundamentally sound -- The ball hits him in the nuts. CLARENCE Ah, shit. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: PIPERS 105 TROPICS 91. EXT. HOTEL STRIP - NIGHT Angle on a big hotel with fancy lights -- but then we pan to reveal: A shitty motel. The 'Jet' is parked at the cheap place. INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Two twin beds in a crap-box motel room. Monix has the phone to his ear, but it just keeps ringing. He'd leave a message for Lynn, but answering machines haven't been invented yet. He hangs up, looks in the mirror, and now takes his Championship ring necklace off. He looks at the ring in his hand... And shoves it into his duffle bag. CLARENCE (O.S.) I brought us some ice. Monix is startled. Clarence, his roommate for the night, enters. MONIX Ice? What for? CLARENCE I don't know, it's free. Clarence takes some ice, pops it in his mouth and starts crunching. CLARENCE Want some? 45. MONIX No thanks. Now BEE BEE enters, yet another player in the small room. BEE BEE ELLIS That Root Beer machine took my fucking change, man. White people are assholes. Monix ignores this. Laying back, he focuses on the TV: THE CELTICS are playing. Their trapping defense is a thing of beauty. Clarence walks over and flicks the channels, until he stops at 'Love American Style.' MONIX You turned off the Celtics? CLARENCE I don't watch people play basketball. They watch me. With that, Clarence pulls out a JOINT and lights it. MONIX (re: the marijuana) What the Hell is that? CLARENCE (as he inhales) It's a fucking Egg-McMuffin. Monix opens the window, clearing the pot smoke out of his face. JACKIE EXITS the bathroom, having just taken a shower. He's wearing a very small robe. This is now the fourth player who's sleeping in this tiny room. MONIX Why don't you shower in your room? JACKIE MOON My wife is using it. I'll be crashing with you guys tonight. (NOTICING) Ice? Awesome. (as he eats ice, re: TV) Love American Style? Turn it up. 46. Jackie doesn't say a word about the pot. Instead he keeps his eyes glued to the TV, then reaches for the joint and SMOKES IT. MONIX Jackie, have you ever even slept with your wife? JACKIE MOON (LYING) What? Are you kidding? Try, like, every weekend. She's so hot. MONIX Sounds like a great arrangement. JACKIE MOON You guys need to wake up. Quit living like it's the 1950's, man. Live it up. (showing off) Hey Clarence, let's have some of that smoke, bro. MONIX I'm pretty sure we have a game tomorrow. JACKIE MOON (as he inhales) This stuff won't affect you. It's premium. Jackie finishes inhaling, then holds it out for Monix. He stares at the joint, then around the room at his teammates. MONIX Well, if this is really going to be my life, I might as well be stoned like everyone else. JACKIE MOON Well said. Monix takes the stupid joint. The instant Monix inhales he COUGHS LIKE CRAZY. MONIX What the Hell is this? CLARENCE What do you mean? 47. MONIX It's harsh. CLARENCE Take that back. MONIX Take what back? JACKIE MOON His Mom grows it. CLARENCE Yeah, in the yard. MONIX Your Mom grew this? CLARENCE It's sweet grass. MONIX Well, I'm finished, thanks. CLARENCE What's wrong, my Mom's weed ain't good enough for you? MONIX I guess not. JACKIE MOON C'mon man, have some respect for his Mom's weed. CLARENCE That's it, I ain't sleeping in the same bed as this motherfucker. INT. AMIGO STADIUM - ROAD TRIP GAME 6 - NEXT NIGHT Television cameras are being set up. A camera man cleans the lens. Jackie studies the cameras, mesmerized by the idea of television. He speaks with the Amigo's manager. AMIGO MANAGER You want all the fans to sit on one side of the stadium? 48. JACKIE MOON Yeah, just move all those people over to this side. (DEMONSTRATING) See, the TV cameras are going to face this way, right? Well, if we fill the seats on that side, we'll look sold out. AMIGO MANAGER Actually, that's not a bad idea. MEANWHILE, ON THE COURT: Both teams are warming up. Clarence now has a new name on his Jersey. There are so many words, there is barely space for a number. It's a mess. CLARENCE (re: Jersey, new name) Check it out. I sewed it on the bus. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY (struggling to read it) What's it say? CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. The asshole, PETRELLI, wanders over near the Tropics side of the court. PETRELLI Yo, Granny Yarn Barn, how's the needle point going? CLARENCE Kiss my ass, Petrelli. PETRELLI (re: the Jersey name) Hey man, I think you spelled 'Flint sucks balls' wrong. (BEAT) This guy's the next Betsy Ross! Aren't you Clarence? The guys laugh. MONIX walks up, defending his teammate. MONIX No one calls him Clarence. His name IS-- (BEAT) What's your name? 49. CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. MONIX His name's Jumping Johnny Johnson. (nose to nose) You got that? Jackie hurries over. JACKIE MOON Alright, break it up. (to his team) Everyone huddle up!... VAKIDIS! OVER HERE. Where is he walking to? (BEAT) Fuck it. Listen up, we're on National TV tonight. And you all know what that means: The league needs a good clean game. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, that's a bunch of dog shit. JACKIE MOON Hey! You guys want to merge or not? Because the fastest way to screw this up is to start punching people in the face while the commissioner is at home, watching the game with his kids... Children are very impressionable. Their minds are not yet soiled by the cruel realities of this world. BEE BEE ELLIS What? JACKIE MOON No punching. Behind the huddle, FANS BEGIN WALKING RIGHT ACROSS THE COURT. Both teams turn to watch this strange thing. The Amigos manager leads the herd, Jackie helps out, directing them across to the other side. JACKIE MOON THAT'S RIGHT, JUST MOVE RIGHT ACROSS- IF YOU COULD JUST FILL IN ALL OF THOSE EMPTY SEATS IN THAT AREA, THAT'D BE GREAT. 50. INT. AMIGO'S STADIUM - LATER The optical illusion has worked. The game does indeed look crowded. The game is in full swing. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) This sold out crowd is loving this one, the Amigos up by twenty-six here in the second. Monix drains a nice jumper, but out of nowhere, Petrelli, the guy we hate, throws a hard shoulder, knocking Monix to the floor. MONIX That's a moving pick Father Pat! C'mon! FATHER PAT THE REF Play on. Monix can't believe it. Petrelli taunts Monix. PETRELLI What's wrong Monix, cat got your 'nads? Monix faces off. JACKIE MOON MONIX! NO! (POINTING) Not with the cameras. (miming the commish') He's watching. Monix looks around and thinks... MONIX What about commercials? JACKIE MOON What? MONIX Commercials, what about commercials? Jackie thinks about this, then nods 'good idea.' JACKIE MOON I like it. Time out Ref! 51. ANNOUNCER (V.0. ) A time out on the floor, 5:20 left before the half, the Amigos 45, the Tropics 19, we'll be right back after this message from Shasta. The camera's on air' red light turns off. CAMERA MAN (rooting them on) And... You're clear. JACKIE MOON SOMEBODY HIT SOMEBODY! BAM! MONIX CLOCKS PETRELLI. BAM! JACKIE MOON PUNCHES ANOTHER GUY. PETRELLI TAKES THE HIT AND TACKLES MONIX. BOTH BENCHES CLEAR. THE CROWD GOES NUTS. INT. THE COMMISSIONER'S HOUSE - MEANWHILE The commissioner relaxes at home with his two kids... A Shasta commercial is on TV. SHASTA COMMERCIAL (V.0.) (on TV) I want a pop... I want a -- Shasta... INT. AMIGO STADIUM - CONTINUOUS MAYHEM. JACKIE MOON IS YANKING A FAN'S HAIR. A TALL GUY IS ABOUT TO POUND SHORT LITTLE KONG. BUT NOW KONG JUMPS IN THE AIR AND DOES A SWEET ROUND-HOUSE JUDO KICK, KNOCKING THE TALL GUY TO THE FLOOR. KONG Hi-Ya! MEANWHILE: MONIX AND PETRELLI ARE TRADING HOCKEY PUNCHES... CAMERA MAN And we're back in -5- (Monix punches Petrelli) -4- (Petrelli punches Monix) -3- (Monix punches Petrelli) 52 -2- (Monix ducks and punches) (cuing the announcers) AND WE'RE ON. THE 'RED LIGHT' GLOWS. ON A DIME: EVERYONE STOPS PUNCHING, STANDS UP STRAIGHT AND SMILES. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) Welcome back to the ABA game of the week... Players hold their heads in pain. Others limp back to the bench. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) .The camaraderie and spirit of this league is on full display here tonight... Off camera, Monix delivers a secret punch to Patrelli's spleen. INT. LOCKER ROOM - HALF TIME Jackie runs the half time talk, standing in front of the chalk board. JACKIE MOON Okay, solid first half guys, but we're going to have to make some ADJ-- Monix interrupts Jackie, pissed. He addresses the team, stepping in front of Jackie Moon. MONIX --This is bullshit guys. They're kicking our ass in basketball and they're kicking our ass during the commercials, too. Does anybody here understand the concept of the pick and roll? Because they're going to keep double teaming at the top of the key until somebody rotates the Damn ball... JACKIE MOON Yeah! C'mon guys! Rotate the ball. Monix looks at this group and gets even madder. 53. MONIX Does anyone in this room have any pride? Don't you realize, this is thelast four weeks of basketball anyus are ever going to play?Is thishow we're really going togo out?You'd think we'd want toend ourcareers battling, hustling after every loose ball. Boxing out under the boards. Setting picks for our teammates. But we haven't done shit out there. Twiggy Munson and Scootsie Double-Day hang their heads. MONIX We're a bunch of selfish assholes -- And I've got news for you, we aren't going to finish in fourth, we're going to finish dead last. Monix paces in front of the guys, a man possessed. MONIX One day, you're going to look back on your life... And you're going to look back on this time... And you're going to realize... Monix is staring right at Clarence. And Clarence is actually listening... MONIX .You're going to realize you never even played basketball. A moment of silence after the intensity. Monix waddles to the door. MONIX Now, you guys have fun out there in the second half. If anyone needs me, I'll be in the training room, draining my knee. Monix limps off, everyone's head is hanging low. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY He's right. 54. BEE BEE ELLIS Of course he's right. But what the Hell are we supposed to do about it? We don't even have plays. INT. JACKIE MOON'S OFFICE - DAYS LATER We're back in Flint. Jackie is back in his office, speaking on the phone. JACKIE MOON (into phone) Dukes! | dreaming | How many times the word 'dreaming' appears in the text? | 1 |
without looking over... CLARENCE Not everyone sits around dreaming of playing in the NBA, you know. 25. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Maybe not. But you do. TWIGGY MUNSON Yeah, that's all you ever talk about. MONIX You're not jealous, are you Clarence? CLARENCE No one calls me Clarence. BEE BEE ELLIS His name's Downtown. MONIX Okay Downtown. I'll make sure Downtown is only referred to as Downtown, okay Downtown? CLARENCE Don't think I don't know what you're doing. You're doing that thing where you pretend to mean what you say, but you don't. BEE BEE ELLIS Sarcasm. CLARENCE Yeah. How'd you like that sarcasm smacked off your face? MONIX Bring it, funky stuff. BEE BEE ELLIS That's sarcasm, man. He's doing it again! CLARENCE (to Bee Bee) I got this, alright? Monix squares off with a smile that says 'hit me.' Clarence takes off his leather full length and folds it nicely. CLARENCE (in Monix's face) How'd you like a knuckle sandwich? 26. MONIX Knuckle sandwich? Who says that? CLARENCE I do motherfucker. I'm gonna pound you so hard, you're-- MONIX REARS HIS FIST BACK, about to release a strong Popeye HOOK-- CLARENCE WAIT! CLARENCE IMMEDIATELY SWITCHES GEARS, PUTTING HIS HANDS UP LIKE A SCARED LITTLE GIRL. CLARENCE (like a sissy) --WAIT! OKAY? COOL COOL COOL. CHILL OUT, MAN, ALRIGHT? WE'RE COOL-- BAM. MONIX PUNCHES CLARENCE IN THE STOMACH ANYWAY. BEE BEE ELLIS YESSS! I LIKE IT! IT'S OUR OWN TEAM, BUT I LIKE IT. One of the party people, a ball girl, GAYLE, interrupts. GAYLE Excuse me boys. You mind, if I borrow your friend for a minute? INT. DANCE FLOOR - MEANWHILE Jackie is dancing to his own song, still wearing the ice packs on his knees. The song ends and A DIFFERENT ONE STARTS. JACKIE MOON (looking to the DJ) Hold on a second. MELINDA What's wrong? JACKIE MOON Where's the boogie? Jackie fights his way through the crowd to the DJ booth. JACKIE MOON (to DJ, over music) HEY! WHERE'S THE BOOGIE? 27. DJ I ALREADY PLAYED YOUR SONG FOUR TIMES. JACKIE MOON GET UP. DJ NO. YOU CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS, JACKIE. I'M THE DJ. JACKIE MOON (taking over as DJ) NOT ANY MORE. YOU'RE ON SNACK PATROL. SCREECH -- The music stops. JACKIE MOON (into the mic) The year was 1973. A young musician named Jackie Moon, finishes years of musical training, only to find he is a slave to the notes on the page. He knows it's time to break free. In a sudden fit of creative mastery, he grabs a pen and a napkin and writes a song that breaks all the rules. Ladies and gentleman... Let's get sweaty. MUSIC CUE: Jackie's song. Everyone goes crazy. JACKIE MOON (V.0.) (studio version) Baby, who wants to; love me sexy. baby, are you ready to; lick me sexy. Take off your shoes and; suck me sexy. Baby, we're naked and we're; humping sexy-- INT. DAIQUIRI ROOM - NIGHT Gayle and Monix walk upstairs into the 'coolest' room ever. Carpet on the ceiling, a plaid couch, a fish tank, a water bed, mirrors, etc. GAYLE I'm glad they traded for you, I got myself a cute one. MONIX So, this is the Daiquiri room? 28. LUCY MOON (O.S. ) That's right. REVEAL: LUCY MOON, Jackie's wife, is on the couch. She's the hottest girl in the world. LUCY MOON What do you think, Gayle? Does he like it with my boots on, or does he like my boots off? GAYLE He seems like a boots on kind of guy. LUCY MOON Then it looks like I'm ready. As soon as you slide these shorts off of me. MONIX Aren't you Jackie's wife? LUCY MOON He knows about the Daiquiri room. GAYLE It's a new tradition we're starting, when new players join. MONIX I see. Well, I'm going to have to pass. I'm good, thanks. LUCY MOON Honey, you don't know what good is. With that, Lucy flicks on the stereo-- MUSIC CUE: THE BAR KEYS 'TOO HOT TO STOP.' MONIX Listen um... (i.e. what's your name?) GAYLE My name is 'no strings attached.' LUCY MOON You can call me Mrs. Moon. Gayle and Lucy perform a funky/seductive dance, moving closer and closer to Monix. 29. MONIX I don't think this is going to happen, Mrs. Moon. LUCY MOON It has to. GAYLE It's bad luck if you don't. MONIX Yeah, I'd hate to bring bad luck to Flint Michigan. Lucy has sprayed some WHIP CREAM on her nipples. LUCY MOON (whip cream) Why don't you lick these clean for me? MONIX I can't eat dairy. Lucy decides that now is a good time to aggressively KISS him. Monix pushes her away. MONIX Nice tits, Mrs. Moon. I gotta go. Monix walks down the stairs. LUCY MOON (calling after him) I see what this is: You want us to send Eric and Marcus up here? On the way out, Monix flicks her off. INT. LYNN'S HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT Lynn is asleep next to Kyle. She awakes to someone pounding on the door. EXT. LYNN'S FRONT YARD - NIGHT Lynn has arrived at the screen door. Monix, wasted, doesn't notice Lynn yet, he keeps pounding until she opens it. LYNN Why are you here? 30. MONIX I got traded. LYNN I mean, why are you here? MONIX Can we talk? KYLE (O.S.) --Yo, Monix, you're wasted! Ha! Kyle has come out to say hi. MONIX Yeah. Sorry man-- KYLE What's up! That of jump shot of yours ain't broke yet, is it? MONIX No. Ha. KYLE Great back door cut for the lay-up in the third. That's how basketball should be played. MONIX Kyle, can you give us a second? We need to talk. KYLE No problem. Great game tonight man. MONIX Why does your boyfriend like me so much? LYNN You're his favorite player. MONIX Look, there are still some things I think we need to talk about. LYNN I've already said everything I'm ever going to say to you. 31. MONIX I see. (BEAT) Well, I guess I'll be leaving then. Monix walks away... Then turns back. MONIX You're really not going to stop me? LYNN No. Monix walks more, until Lynn speaks. LYNN You're going to end up walking with a cane the rest of your life. You have to quit. MONIX And do what? LYNN I don't know... Kill yourself, I guess. MONIX Kill myself? LYNN You act like there's nothing else in the world besides basketball. If that's how you really feel, then go ahead and get it over with. I'm going to sleep. MONIX Thanks for the pep. talk. LYNN No problem. MONIX Lynn. (she opens the door again) Can I ask you for one favor? LYNN You want a favor? MONIX My knee. 32. LYNN Oh, Jesus Christ Monix. It's 4 a.m. Lynn stares at him in disbelief. Monix shrugs. MONIX No one here can drain it right. LYNN Fine. Monix nods, then makes a move toward the door. LYNN No. You're not coming in. We'll do it in the yard. DISSOLVE TO: INT. JACKIE'S MONTE CARLO - DAYS LATER Jackie drives in his car, practicing for the meeting. tries to build some confidence. JACKIE MOON (into the rear view, very CIVILIZED) Well, hello Commissioner -- Why sure, I would love one of your Puerto Rican cigars -- Oh, I know I'm a legitimate owner, you don't have to tell me that -- We're merging with the NBA? Oh, that's nice -- Ha Ha Ha! Good one, Commish ... EXT. INDIANAPOLIS - CONTINUOUS A brick building on the outskirts of Indianapolis. A sign says. WELCOME ABA OWNERS. Jackie pulls into the lot and parks. He looks in the mirror one last time. JACKIE MOON Your Mom would be proud of you today. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS Not-quite-Rich guys surround a large oak table. JACKIE is by far the youngest of the owners. 33. COMMISH .I'm sure each of you have heard the rumors. And I'm here to tell you, the rumors are true. The ABA will be merging with the NBA at the end of this season. JACKIE MOON YES!!! (to an old guy) GIVE ME TEN, NORTON! YES!! (fists to the ceiling) EVERYONE CAN EAT SHIT! I AM THE GREATEST MAN IN THE WORLD! COMMISH Our league is sold. And the NBA agreed to all of our financial demands! Now Jackie turns inward, more quietly intense. This is, without question, the greatest moment of his life. JACKIE MOON (to himself) You're a real owner. You're in the NBA. COMMISH Four of our teams will be absorbed into the NBA family, the rest of you will terminate operations. JACKIE MOON Exactly! You know it! (now hearing) I'm sorry, wait, what? COMMISH The Nuggets, The Nets, The Spurs and the Pacers will play in the NBA next year. The rest of us will dissolve. JACKIE MOON Dissolve? Dissolve, like, how? How do I dissolve into the NBA? The winning owners look at each other, not sure how to handle Jackie. JACKIE MOON What's happening? 34. COMMISH I'm sorry Jackie. We all know how. emotional you get. We waited until the very last second to tell you. Jackie pounds the table. JACKIE MOON No. NO! NO!!! He kicks over his chair... THE COMMISH We know you're upset, Jackie. But you'll be very well compensated. LOSING OWNER #1 Everyone's agreed to a very large sum. JACKIE MOON I don't want a sum! I want my team! (to the losing owners) C'mon you guys, you're not going to just sit here and take the money, are you? They are. JACKIE MOON (to winning owners) What do the Spurs have that we don't? THE COMMISH A huge fan base. A brand new stadium. A solid economic growth package, including strong tax incentives. JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon, that's BULLSHIT! COMMISH The NBA is taking four teams, Jackie, there's nothing I can do. Jackie goes quiet, thinking... An epic idea hits him. JACKIE MOON The best four teams should go. 35. COMMISH What? JACKIE MOON Forget the huge fan base, the stadiums, the economic... (a little lost) Growing... package... inventions... WINNING OWNER #1 (correcting him) Economic growth pack-- JACKIE MOON I KNOW WHAT I SAID! (to the room) The four teams with the best records should merge. LOSING OWNER #2 He's right. LOSING OWNER #1 Yeah, that's the fairest way. COMMISH These four teams DO have the best records. Flint's only won six games all year! JACKIE MOON So far. The season isn't over. LOSING OWNER #2 Yeah, maybe we should finish the season first. COMMISH This plan sounds like a lot of fun, but it's too late. The commissioner, me, has already decided. LOSING OWNER #2 Actually, the terms of a merger can only be approved by a league mandate. JACKIE MOON YES. That's right. What he said. 36. LOSING OWNER #1 I move that we vote on the terms of the merger. EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NEXT DAY The team sits around the parking lot, sitting on their duffle bags, dejected. Jackie is having a team meeting. JACKIE MOON C'mon you guys, let's try to stay psyched. This is a chance to become a real NBA franchise! CLARENCE There's no way we can make it to fourth place. It's mathematically impossible. JACKIE MOON I ran the numbers. All we have to do is win about eighty-two percent of our remaining games. CLARENCE Eighty-two percent? Isn't that a lot? JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon! We just gotta start hitting our threes. (guys look around, unsure) Listen, I know this seems like bad news, but it doesn't have to be. This is a big road trip for us. We've just got to start playing solid Flint basketball. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY I don't know. We suck, man. JACKIE SLAPS SCOOTSIE. JACKIE MOON (re: The slap) Sorry. JACKIE SLAPS HIM AGAIN, HARDER. JACKIE MOON We do not suck, okay? We just have to want it! 37. Pumped, Jackie walks around with his hands on his hips. BEE BEE ELLIS What do you think, Monix? All eyes turn on the grumpy one. MONIX I think we suck. JACKIE MOON Well... See, now there's some team unity! Now let's load up the jet. REVEAL: A SHITTY SCHOOL BUS has the words 'THE JET!' Spray- painted in graffiti letters with a palm tree next to it. JACKIE MOON (as they load up) Now we've got a special treat. You know I take care of my family. Today, the Jet is catered. I had Downtown's Mom pack us some hot dish. BEE BEE ELLIS Ms. Quincy's hot dish? Sweet! INT. BUS - CONTINUOUS The guys load up. It's so packed it's ridiculous. Everyone tries to stuff their gear somewhere and sit down. Jackie carries a big pot of hot dish, accidentally burning Scootsie's back. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Ah, watch the hot dish, man. JACKIE MOON Sorry Scootsie. TWIGGY MUNSON Hey Jackie, there's some dude out there, wants to talk to you. POV: Out the window, we can see DUKES, the full court shot winner, holding his GIANT CHECK and looking into the bus. He's still shirtless, with a star-spangled headband. EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - MOMENTS LATER Jackie and Dukes are next to the bus, discussing the check. 38. DUKES I tried Jackie. They won't take it. They said it's 'symbolic.' JACKIE MOON What does symbolic mean? DUKES I don't know. But they said I need a real check. JACKIE MOON I don't know what your bank is talking about. That is a real check. I signed it myself. DUKES It's written in glitter, dude. Can't you just give me, like, a regular sized one? JACKIE MOON I don't get it. People are usually able to cash these. Maybe you should try another bank. (trying to wrap it up) If you run into any more trouble, let me know. DUKES Okay Jackie, thanks man. JACKIE MOON Any time, congratulations. Jackie turns away from Dukes and exhales, walking back to the bus. MUSIC CUE: 'SHORT PEOPLE' BY RANDY NEWMAN. EXT. THE HIGHWAY - DAY We're flying down the highway. INT. THE JET - DAY Kong, the small Asian player, is driving, singing along with Jackie to the radio... JACKIE MOON & KONG (singing Randy Newman) SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... 39. SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE Jackie reaches up into a special bin and takes out some beef jerky, then yells out the window. JACKIE (out the window at a car) YOU IN-THE-GREEN-CAR GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE... Pan back to see the whole team crammed into tiny seats. Vakidis has his knees pointing straight toward the ceiling. Twiggy Munson is reading '70's pornography. Clarence is sewing a new name onto his jersey. The rest of the guys are eating their hot dish. MONIX So, Clarence, what's in this 'hot dish' anyway? CLARENCE My Mom cooked your ass a whole Damn meal, why you gotta go asking what's in it? MONIX It's a compliment. It's good. CLARENCE If it's good, then it's good. Why do you gotta know what's in it? What's in hot dish? Hot dish is in hot dish, asshole. BEE BEE and SCOOTSIE look over the seat, facing them. BEE BEE ELLIS Hey Monix, what were the Celtics like? MONIX They were fast. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Fast? No one's faster than me. I should be on the Celtics. MONIX (pointing to his mind) Fast up here. 40. BEE BEE ELLIS You're supposed to be Mr. Smartball. Why'd you get bounced? MONIX Well, you have to be able to jump too. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Hey, let us see that ring again. MONIX Not right now, okay Twiggy? CLARENCE Isn't it a little embarrassing wearing that thing everyday? MONIX Embarrassing? CLARENCE You call yourself a Celtic? You sat through every single playoff game. You didn't see action once. And now you walk around wearing the ice like you're Bill Russel. Well you ain't. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, you're just jealous. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Yeah, Monix played solid minutes, for lots of teams. He's played in the NBA, that's more than you can say. CLARENCE Whatever. At least I never sat on the bench and then called myself a champion. You didn't do shit for that Celtic team. If I was Dave Cowens, I'd yank that ring right off your neck. That was a pretty heated exchange. Monix looks like he's got something to say, but he doesn't. Clarence has the last word. CLARENCE He doesn't wear it on his finger because he knows he didn't earn it. He didn't even play. 41. Monix looks out the window. EXT. ROAD GAME #1 - NIGHT 'The Jet' is parked outside the arena. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) We're just a few minutes away from game one of the Tropic's 6 game road trip. With talk of an NBA merger hitting the league, there's a new electricity surrounding tonight's game... INT. VISITOR'S LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT Jackie addresses his team before tip off. JACKIE MOON Alright. Now, a lot of people out there are writing us off. A lot people are saying things like 'Jackie Moon is an offensive liability.' They're saying 'Flint's turnovers led to sixty fast break points per game.' (Making this up) They're saying 'Bee Bee's retarded brother is so retarded that his eyes look too big,. Like a French Bulldog. BEE BEE ELLIS No one said that, man. JACKIE MOON (trying to motivate) Yes they did. And we're going to use it as motivation, okay? THIS IS OUR TIME! WE'RE GOING TO SHOOT MORE THAN WE'VE EVER SHOT BEFORE! NOW BRING IT IN! READY? ONE TWO THREE- EVERYONE LET'S GET TROPICAL! MONTAGE: FLINT PLAYS HARDER BUT THEY STILL SUCK. GAME 1) JACKIE MOON sprints across the floor tries to get two f eet planted in the lane. It's not even close, JACKIE HAS TAKEN A GUY DOWN HARD. The ref whistles a blocking foul. 42. JACKIE MOON OH, C'MON!? Where's the charge, Father Pat? FATHER PAT THE REF Both feet weren't planted. JACKIE MOON OH, SUCK MY COCK. I WILL MURDER YOUR FAMILY. FATHER PAT THE REF That's it, you're out. JACKIE MOON What!? What did I say? Jackie takes a ball and drop kicks it, PUNTING IT high up into the rafters. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: COLONELS 111 TROPICS 92. GAME 2) MONIX drives the lane, fast and smart -- A no-look pass hits Scootsie Double-Day in the shoulder. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY AH. MY COLLAR BONE! BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: SQUIRES 90 TROPICS 70. GAME 3) CLARENCE and BEE BEE jog back on Defense. CLARENCE I ain't guarding my guy anymore. BEE BEE ELLIS Why not? CLARENCE He's too'Damn sweaty, man. (re: his wet uniform) Look at me. BEE BEE ELLIS Gross. Well, I ain't guarding him. Monix notices this discussion. MONIX Quit talking and play defense! The sweaty guy backs in on Clarence, posting up top. 44. GAME 5) Jackie Moon plays great defense, rejecting a shot! Monix grabs the ball and dribbles on a fast break. Clarence trails, in perfect position... CLARENCE Right on! I'm open baby! Try a behind-the-back! Monix delivers a nice two handed bounce pass, but Clarence isn't ready for anything fundamentally sound -- The ball hits him in the nuts. CLARENCE Ah, shit. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: PIPERS 105 TROPICS 91. EXT. HOTEL STRIP - NIGHT Angle on a big hotel with fancy lights -- but then we pan to reveal: A shitty motel. The 'Jet' is parked at the cheap place. INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Two twin beds in a crap-box motel room. Monix has the phone to his ear, but it just keeps ringing. He'd leave a message for Lynn, but answering machines haven't been invented yet. He hangs up, looks in the mirror, and now takes his Championship ring necklace off. He looks at the ring in his hand... And shoves it into his duffle bag. CLARENCE (O.S.) I brought us some ice. Monix is startled. Clarence, his roommate for the night, enters. MONIX Ice? What for? CLARENCE I don't know, it's free. Clarence takes some ice, pops it in his mouth and starts crunching. CLARENCE Want some? 45. MONIX No thanks. Now BEE BEE enters, yet another player in the small room. BEE BEE ELLIS That Root Beer machine took my fucking change, man. White people are assholes. Monix ignores this. Laying back, he focuses on the TV: THE CELTICS are playing. Their trapping defense is a thing of beauty. Clarence walks over and flicks the channels, until he stops at 'Love American Style.' MONIX You turned off the Celtics? CLARENCE I don't watch people play basketball. They watch me. With that, Clarence pulls out a JOINT and lights it. MONIX (re: the marijuana) What the Hell is that? CLARENCE (as he inhales) It's a fucking Egg-McMuffin. Monix opens the window, clearing the pot smoke out of his face. JACKIE EXITS the bathroom, having just taken a shower. He's wearing a very small robe. This is now the fourth player who's sleeping in this tiny room. MONIX Why don't you shower in your room? JACKIE MOON My wife is using it. I'll be crashing with you guys tonight. (NOTICING) Ice? Awesome. (as he eats ice, re: TV) Love American Style? Turn it up. 46. Jackie doesn't say a word about the pot. Instead he keeps his eyes glued to the TV, then reaches for the joint and SMOKES IT. MONIX Jackie, have you ever even slept with your wife? JACKIE MOON (LYING) What? Are you kidding? Try, like, every weekend. She's so hot. MONIX Sounds like a great arrangement. JACKIE MOON You guys need to wake up. Quit living like it's the 1950's, man. Live it up. (showing off) Hey Clarence, let's have some of that smoke, bro. MONIX I'm pretty sure we have a game tomorrow. JACKIE MOON (as he inhales) This stuff won't affect you. It's premium. Jackie finishes inhaling, then holds it out for Monix. He stares at the joint, then around the room at his teammates. MONIX Well, if this is really going to be my life, I might as well be stoned like everyone else. JACKIE MOON Well said. Monix takes the stupid joint. The instant Monix inhales he COUGHS LIKE CRAZY. MONIX What the Hell is this? CLARENCE What do you mean? 47. MONIX It's harsh. CLARENCE Take that back. MONIX Take what back? JACKIE MOON His Mom grows it. CLARENCE Yeah, in the yard. MONIX Your Mom grew this? CLARENCE It's sweet grass. MONIX Well, I'm finished, thanks. CLARENCE What's wrong, my Mom's weed ain't good enough for you? MONIX I guess not. JACKIE MOON C'mon man, have some respect for his Mom's weed. CLARENCE That's it, I ain't sleeping in the same bed as this motherfucker. INT. AMIGO STADIUM - ROAD TRIP GAME 6 - NEXT NIGHT Television cameras are being set up. A camera man cleans the lens. Jackie studies the cameras, mesmerized by the idea of television. He speaks with the Amigo's manager. AMIGO MANAGER You want all the fans to sit on one side of the stadium? 48. JACKIE MOON Yeah, just move all those people over to this side. (DEMONSTRATING) See, the TV cameras are going to face this way, right? Well, if we fill the seats on that side, we'll look sold out. AMIGO MANAGER Actually, that's not a bad idea. MEANWHILE, ON THE COURT: Both teams are warming up. Clarence now has a new name on his Jersey. There are so many words, there is barely space for a number. It's a mess. CLARENCE (re: Jersey, new name) Check it out. I sewed it on the bus. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY (struggling to read it) What's it say? CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. The asshole, PETRELLI, wanders over near the Tropics side of the court. PETRELLI Yo, Granny Yarn Barn, how's the needle point going? CLARENCE Kiss my ass, Petrelli. PETRELLI (re: the Jersey name) Hey man, I think you spelled 'Flint sucks balls' wrong. (BEAT) This guy's the next Betsy Ross! Aren't you Clarence? The guys laugh. MONIX walks up, defending his teammate. MONIX No one calls him Clarence. His name IS-- (BEAT) What's your name? 49. CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. MONIX His name's Jumping Johnny Johnson. (nose to nose) You got that? Jackie hurries over. JACKIE MOON Alright, break it up. (to his team) Everyone huddle up!... VAKIDIS! OVER HERE. Where is he walking to? (BEAT) Fuck it. Listen up, we're on National TV tonight. And you all know what that means: The league needs a good clean game. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, that's a bunch of dog shit. JACKIE MOON Hey! You guys want to merge or not? Because the fastest way to screw this up is to start punching people in the face while the commissioner is at home, watching the game with his kids... Children are very impressionable. Their minds are not yet soiled by the cruel realities of this world. BEE BEE ELLIS What? JACKIE MOON No punching. Behind the huddle, FANS BEGIN WALKING RIGHT ACROSS THE COURT. Both teams turn to watch this strange thing. The Amigos manager leads the herd, Jackie helps out, directing them across to the other side. JACKIE MOON THAT'S RIGHT, JUST MOVE RIGHT ACROSS- IF YOU COULD JUST FILL IN ALL OF THOSE EMPTY SEATS IN THAT AREA, THAT'D BE GREAT. 50. INT. AMIGO'S STADIUM - LATER The optical illusion has worked. The game does indeed look crowded. The game is in full swing. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) This sold out crowd is loving this one, the Amigos up by twenty-six here in the second. Monix drains a nice jumper, but out of nowhere, Petrelli, the guy we hate, throws a hard shoulder, knocking Monix to the floor. MONIX That's a moving pick Father Pat! C'mon! FATHER PAT THE REF Play on. Monix can't believe it. Petrelli taunts Monix. PETRELLI What's wrong Monix, cat got your 'nads? Monix faces off. JACKIE MOON MONIX! NO! (POINTING) Not with the cameras. (miming the commish') He's watching. Monix looks around and thinks... MONIX What about commercials? JACKIE MOON What? MONIX Commercials, what about commercials? Jackie thinks about this, then nods 'good idea.' JACKIE MOON I like it. Time out Ref! 51. ANNOUNCER (V.0. ) A time out on the floor, 5:20 left before the half, the Amigos 45, the Tropics 19, we'll be right back after this message from Shasta. The camera's on air' red light turns off. CAMERA MAN (rooting them on) And... You're clear. JACKIE MOON SOMEBODY HIT SOMEBODY! BAM! MONIX CLOCKS PETRELLI. BAM! JACKIE MOON PUNCHES ANOTHER GUY. PETRELLI TAKES THE HIT AND TACKLES MONIX. BOTH BENCHES CLEAR. THE CROWD GOES NUTS. INT. THE COMMISSIONER'S HOUSE - MEANWHILE The commissioner relaxes at home with his two kids... A Shasta commercial is on TV. SHASTA COMMERCIAL (V.0.) (on TV) I want a pop... I want a -- Shasta... INT. AMIGO STADIUM - CONTINUOUS MAYHEM. JACKIE MOON IS YANKING A FAN'S HAIR. A TALL GUY IS ABOUT TO POUND SHORT LITTLE KONG. BUT NOW KONG JUMPS IN THE AIR AND DOES A SWEET ROUND-HOUSE JUDO KICK, KNOCKING THE TALL GUY TO THE FLOOR. KONG Hi-Ya! MEANWHILE: MONIX AND PETRELLI ARE TRADING HOCKEY PUNCHES... CAMERA MAN And we're back in -5- (Monix punches Petrelli) -4- (Petrelli punches Monix) -3- (Monix punches Petrelli) 52 -2- (Monix ducks and punches) (cuing the announcers) AND WE'RE ON. THE 'RED LIGHT' GLOWS. ON A DIME: EVERYONE STOPS PUNCHING, STANDS UP STRAIGHT AND SMILES. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) Welcome back to the ABA game of the week... Players hold their heads in pain. Others limp back to the bench. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) .The camaraderie and spirit of this league is on full display here tonight... Off camera, Monix delivers a secret punch to Patrelli's spleen. INT. LOCKER ROOM - HALF TIME Jackie runs the half time talk, standing in front of the chalk board. JACKIE MOON Okay, solid first half guys, but we're going to have to make some ADJ-- Monix interrupts Jackie, pissed. He addresses the team, stepping in front of Jackie Moon. MONIX --This is bullshit guys. They're kicking our ass in basketball and they're kicking our ass during the commercials, too. Does anybody here understand the concept of the pick and roll? Because they're going to keep double teaming at the top of the key until somebody rotates the Damn ball... JACKIE MOON Yeah! C'mon guys! Rotate the ball. Monix looks at this group and gets even madder. 53. MONIX Does anyone in this room have any pride? Don't you realize, this is thelast four weeks of basketball anyus are ever going to play?Is thishow we're really going togo out?You'd think we'd want toend ourcareers battling, hustling after every loose ball. Boxing out under the boards. Setting picks for our teammates. But we haven't done shit out there. Twiggy Munson and Scootsie Double-Day hang their heads. MONIX We're a bunch of selfish assholes -- And I've got news for you, we aren't going to finish in fourth, we're going to finish dead last. Monix paces in front of the guys, a man possessed. MONIX One day, you're going to look back on your life... And you're going to look back on this time... And you're going to realize... Monix is staring right at Clarence. And Clarence is actually listening... MONIX .You're going to realize you never even played basketball. A moment of silence after the intensity. Monix waddles to the door. MONIX Now, you guys have fun out there in the second half. If anyone needs me, I'll be in the training room, draining my knee. Monix limps off, everyone's head is hanging low. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY He's right. 54. BEE BEE ELLIS Of course he's right. But what the Hell are we supposed to do about it? We don't even have plays. INT. JACKIE MOON'S OFFICE - DAYS LATER We're back in Flint. Jackie is back in his office, speaking on the phone. JACKIE MOON (into phone) Dukes! | care | How many times the word 'care' appears in the text? | 1 |
without looking over... CLARENCE Not everyone sits around dreaming of playing in the NBA, you know. 25. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Maybe not. But you do. TWIGGY MUNSON Yeah, that's all you ever talk about. MONIX You're not jealous, are you Clarence? CLARENCE No one calls me Clarence. BEE BEE ELLIS His name's Downtown. MONIX Okay Downtown. I'll make sure Downtown is only referred to as Downtown, okay Downtown? CLARENCE Don't think I don't know what you're doing. You're doing that thing where you pretend to mean what you say, but you don't. BEE BEE ELLIS Sarcasm. CLARENCE Yeah. How'd you like that sarcasm smacked off your face? MONIX Bring it, funky stuff. BEE BEE ELLIS That's sarcasm, man. He's doing it again! CLARENCE (to Bee Bee) I got this, alright? Monix squares off with a smile that says 'hit me.' Clarence takes off his leather full length and folds it nicely. CLARENCE (in Monix's face) How'd you like a knuckle sandwich? 26. MONIX Knuckle sandwich? Who says that? CLARENCE I do motherfucker. I'm gonna pound you so hard, you're-- MONIX REARS HIS FIST BACK, about to release a strong Popeye HOOK-- CLARENCE WAIT! CLARENCE IMMEDIATELY SWITCHES GEARS, PUTTING HIS HANDS UP LIKE A SCARED LITTLE GIRL. CLARENCE (like a sissy) --WAIT! OKAY? COOL COOL COOL. CHILL OUT, MAN, ALRIGHT? WE'RE COOL-- BAM. MONIX PUNCHES CLARENCE IN THE STOMACH ANYWAY. BEE BEE ELLIS YESSS! I LIKE IT! IT'S OUR OWN TEAM, BUT I LIKE IT. One of the party people, a ball girl, GAYLE, interrupts. GAYLE Excuse me boys. You mind, if I borrow your friend for a minute? INT. DANCE FLOOR - MEANWHILE Jackie is dancing to his own song, still wearing the ice packs on his knees. The song ends and A DIFFERENT ONE STARTS. JACKIE MOON (looking to the DJ) Hold on a second. MELINDA What's wrong? JACKIE MOON Where's the boogie? Jackie fights his way through the crowd to the DJ booth. JACKIE MOON (to DJ, over music) HEY! WHERE'S THE BOOGIE? 27. DJ I ALREADY PLAYED YOUR SONG FOUR TIMES. JACKIE MOON GET UP. DJ NO. YOU CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS, JACKIE. I'M THE DJ. JACKIE MOON (taking over as DJ) NOT ANY MORE. YOU'RE ON SNACK PATROL. SCREECH -- The music stops. JACKIE MOON (into the mic) The year was 1973. A young musician named Jackie Moon, finishes years of musical training, only to find he is a slave to the notes on the page. He knows it's time to break free. In a sudden fit of creative mastery, he grabs a pen and a napkin and writes a song that breaks all the rules. Ladies and gentleman... Let's get sweaty. MUSIC CUE: Jackie's song. Everyone goes crazy. JACKIE MOON (V.0.) (studio version) Baby, who wants to; love me sexy. baby, are you ready to; lick me sexy. Take off your shoes and; suck me sexy. Baby, we're naked and we're; humping sexy-- INT. DAIQUIRI ROOM - NIGHT Gayle and Monix walk upstairs into the 'coolest' room ever. Carpet on the ceiling, a plaid couch, a fish tank, a water bed, mirrors, etc. GAYLE I'm glad they traded for you, I got myself a cute one. MONIX So, this is the Daiquiri room? 28. LUCY MOON (O.S. ) That's right. REVEAL: LUCY MOON, Jackie's wife, is on the couch. She's the hottest girl in the world. LUCY MOON What do you think, Gayle? Does he like it with my boots on, or does he like my boots off? GAYLE He seems like a boots on kind of guy. LUCY MOON Then it looks like I'm ready. As soon as you slide these shorts off of me. MONIX Aren't you Jackie's wife? LUCY MOON He knows about the Daiquiri room. GAYLE It's a new tradition we're starting, when new players join. MONIX I see. Well, I'm going to have to pass. I'm good, thanks. LUCY MOON Honey, you don't know what good is. With that, Lucy flicks on the stereo-- MUSIC CUE: THE BAR KEYS 'TOO HOT TO STOP.' MONIX Listen um... (i.e. what's your name?) GAYLE My name is 'no strings attached.' LUCY MOON You can call me Mrs. Moon. Gayle and Lucy perform a funky/seductive dance, moving closer and closer to Monix. 29. MONIX I don't think this is going to happen, Mrs. Moon. LUCY MOON It has to. GAYLE It's bad luck if you don't. MONIX Yeah, I'd hate to bring bad luck to Flint Michigan. Lucy has sprayed some WHIP CREAM on her nipples. LUCY MOON (whip cream) Why don't you lick these clean for me? MONIX I can't eat dairy. Lucy decides that now is a good time to aggressively KISS him. Monix pushes her away. MONIX Nice tits, Mrs. Moon. I gotta go. Monix walks down the stairs. LUCY MOON (calling after him) I see what this is: You want us to send Eric and Marcus up here? On the way out, Monix flicks her off. INT. LYNN'S HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT Lynn is asleep next to Kyle. She awakes to someone pounding on the door. EXT. LYNN'S FRONT YARD - NIGHT Lynn has arrived at the screen door. Monix, wasted, doesn't notice Lynn yet, he keeps pounding until she opens it. LYNN Why are you here? 30. MONIX I got traded. LYNN I mean, why are you here? MONIX Can we talk? KYLE (O.S.) --Yo, Monix, you're wasted! Ha! Kyle has come out to say hi. MONIX Yeah. Sorry man-- KYLE What's up! That of jump shot of yours ain't broke yet, is it? MONIX No. Ha. KYLE Great back door cut for the lay-up in the third. That's how basketball should be played. MONIX Kyle, can you give us a second? We need to talk. KYLE No problem. Great game tonight man. MONIX Why does your boyfriend like me so much? LYNN You're his favorite player. MONIX Look, there are still some things I think we need to talk about. LYNN I've already said everything I'm ever going to say to you. 31. MONIX I see. (BEAT) Well, I guess I'll be leaving then. Monix walks away... Then turns back. MONIX You're really not going to stop me? LYNN No. Monix walks more, until Lynn speaks. LYNN You're going to end up walking with a cane the rest of your life. You have to quit. MONIX And do what? LYNN I don't know... Kill yourself, I guess. MONIX Kill myself? LYNN You act like there's nothing else in the world besides basketball. If that's how you really feel, then go ahead and get it over with. I'm going to sleep. MONIX Thanks for the pep. talk. LYNN No problem. MONIX Lynn. (she opens the door again) Can I ask you for one favor? LYNN You want a favor? MONIX My knee. 32. LYNN Oh, Jesus Christ Monix. It's 4 a.m. Lynn stares at him in disbelief. Monix shrugs. MONIX No one here can drain it right. LYNN Fine. Monix nods, then makes a move toward the door. LYNN No. You're not coming in. We'll do it in the yard. DISSOLVE TO: INT. JACKIE'S MONTE CARLO - DAYS LATER Jackie drives in his car, practicing for the meeting. tries to build some confidence. JACKIE MOON (into the rear view, very CIVILIZED) Well, hello Commissioner -- Why sure, I would love one of your Puerto Rican cigars -- Oh, I know I'm a legitimate owner, you don't have to tell me that -- We're merging with the NBA? Oh, that's nice -- Ha Ha Ha! Good one, Commish ... EXT. INDIANAPOLIS - CONTINUOUS A brick building on the outskirts of Indianapolis. A sign says. WELCOME ABA OWNERS. Jackie pulls into the lot and parks. He looks in the mirror one last time. JACKIE MOON Your Mom would be proud of you today. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS Not-quite-Rich guys surround a large oak table. JACKIE is by far the youngest of the owners. 33. COMMISH .I'm sure each of you have heard the rumors. And I'm here to tell you, the rumors are true. The ABA will be merging with the NBA at the end of this season. JACKIE MOON YES!!! (to an old guy) GIVE ME TEN, NORTON! YES!! (fists to the ceiling) EVERYONE CAN EAT SHIT! I AM THE GREATEST MAN IN THE WORLD! COMMISH Our league is sold. And the NBA agreed to all of our financial demands! Now Jackie turns inward, more quietly intense. This is, without question, the greatest moment of his life. JACKIE MOON (to himself) You're a real owner. You're in the NBA. COMMISH Four of our teams will be absorbed into the NBA family, the rest of you will terminate operations. JACKIE MOON Exactly! You know it! (now hearing) I'm sorry, wait, what? COMMISH The Nuggets, The Nets, The Spurs and the Pacers will play in the NBA next year. The rest of us will dissolve. JACKIE MOON Dissolve? Dissolve, like, how? How do I dissolve into the NBA? The winning owners look at each other, not sure how to handle Jackie. JACKIE MOON What's happening? 34. COMMISH I'm sorry Jackie. We all know how. emotional you get. We waited until the very last second to tell you. Jackie pounds the table. JACKIE MOON No. NO! NO!!! He kicks over his chair... THE COMMISH We know you're upset, Jackie. But you'll be very well compensated. LOSING OWNER #1 Everyone's agreed to a very large sum. JACKIE MOON I don't want a sum! I want my team! (to the losing owners) C'mon you guys, you're not going to just sit here and take the money, are you? They are. JACKIE MOON (to winning owners) What do the Spurs have that we don't? THE COMMISH A huge fan base. A brand new stadium. A solid economic growth package, including strong tax incentives. JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon, that's BULLSHIT! COMMISH The NBA is taking four teams, Jackie, there's nothing I can do. Jackie goes quiet, thinking... An epic idea hits him. JACKIE MOON The best four teams should go. 35. COMMISH What? JACKIE MOON Forget the huge fan base, the stadiums, the economic... (a little lost) Growing... package... inventions... WINNING OWNER #1 (correcting him) Economic growth pack-- JACKIE MOON I KNOW WHAT I SAID! (to the room) The four teams with the best records should merge. LOSING OWNER #2 He's right. LOSING OWNER #1 Yeah, that's the fairest way. COMMISH These four teams DO have the best records. Flint's only won six games all year! JACKIE MOON So far. The season isn't over. LOSING OWNER #2 Yeah, maybe we should finish the season first. COMMISH This plan sounds like a lot of fun, but it's too late. The commissioner, me, has already decided. LOSING OWNER #2 Actually, the terms of a merger can only be approved by a league mandate. JACKIE MOON YES. That's right. What he said. 36. LOSING OWNER #1 I move that we vote on the terms of the merger. EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NEXT DAY The team sits around the parking lot, sitting on their duffle bags, dejected. Jackie is having a team meeting. JACKIE MOON C'mon you guys, let's try to stay psyched. This is a chance to become a real NBA franchise! CLARENCE There's no way we can make it to fourth place. It's mathematically impossible. JACKIE MOON I ran the numbers. All we have to do is win about eighty-two percent of our remaining games. CLARENCE Eighty-two percent? Isn't that a lot? JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon! We just gotta start hitting our threes. (guys look around, unsure) Listen, I know this seems like bad news, but it doesn't have to be. This is a big road trip for us. We've just got to start playing solid Flint basketball. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY I don't know. We suck, man. JACKIE SLAPS SCOOTSIE. JACKIE MOON (re: The slap) Sorry. JACKIE SLAPS HIM AGAIN, HARDER. JACKIE MOON We do not suck, okay? We just have to want it! 37. Pumped, Jackie walks around with his hands on his hips. BEE BEE ELLIS What do you think, Monix? All eyes turn on the grumpy one. MONIX I think we suck. JACKIE MOON Well... See, now there's some team unity! Now let's load up the jet. REVEAL: A SHITTY SCHOOL BUS has the words 'THE JET!' Spray- painted in graffiti letters with a palm tree next to it. JACKIE MOON (as they load up) Now we've got a special treat. You know I take care of my family. Today, the Jet is catered. I had Downtown's Mom pack us some hot dish. BEE BEE ELLIS Ms. Quincy's hot dish? Sweet! INT. BUS - CONTINUOUS The guys load up. It's so packed it's ridiculous. Everyone tries to stuff their gear somewhere and sit down. Jackie carries a big pot of hot dish, accidentally burning Scootsie's back. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Ah, watch the hot dish, man. JACKIE MOON Sorry Scootsie. TWIGGY MUNSON Hey Jackie, there's some dude out there, wants to talk to you. POV: Out the window, we can see DUKES, the full court shot winner, holding his GIANT CHECK and looking into the bus. He's still shirtless, with a star-spangled headband. EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - MOMENTS LATER Jackie and Dukes are next to the bus, discussing the check. 38. DUKES I tried Jackie. They won't take it. They said it's 'symbolic.' JACKIE MOON What does symbolic mean? DUKES I don't know. But they said I need a real check. JACKIE MOON I don't know what your bank is talking about. That is a real check. I signed it myself. DUKES It's written in glitter, dude. Can't you just give me, like, a regular sized one? JACKIE MOON I don't get it. People are usually able to cash these. Maybe you should try another bank. (trying to wrap it up) If you run into any more trouble, let me know. DUKES Okay Jackie, thanks man. JACKIE MOON Any time, congratulations. Jackie turns away from Dukes and exhales, walking back to the bus. MUSIC CUE: 'SHORT PEOPLE' BY RANDY NEWMAN. EXT. THE HIGHWAY - DAY We're flying down the highway. INT. THE JET - DAY Kong, the small Asian player, is driving, singing along with Jackie to the radio... JACKIE MOON & KONG (singing Randy Newman) SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... 39. SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE Jackie reaches up into a special bin and takes out some beef jerky, then yells out the window. JACKIE (out the window at a car) YOU IN-THE-GREEN-CAR GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE... Pan back to see the whole team crammed into tiny seats. Vakidis has his knees pointing straight toward the ceiling. Twiggy Munson is reading '70's pornography. Clarence is sewing a new name onto his jersey. The rest of the guys are eating their hot dish. MONIX So, Clarence, what's in this 'hot dish' anyway? CLARENCE My Mom cooked your ass a whole Damn meal, why you gotta go asking what's in it? MONIX It's a compliment. It's good. CLARENCE If it's good, then it's good. Why do you gotta know what's in it? What's in hot dish? Hot dish is in hot dish, asshole. BEE BEE and SCOOTSIE look over the seat, facing them. BEE BEE ELLIS Hey Monix, what were the Celtics like? MONIX They were fast. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Fast? No one's faster than me. I should be on the Celtics. MONIX (pointing to his mind) Fast up here. 40. BEE BEE ELLIS You're supposed to be Mr. Smartball. Why'd you get bounced? MONIX Well, you have to be able to jump too. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Hey, let us see that ring again. MONIX Not right now, okay Twiggy? CLARENCE Isn't it a little embarrassing wearing that thing everyday? MONIX Embarrassing? CLARENCE You call yourself a Celtic? You sat through every single playoff game. You didn't see action once. And now you walk around wearing the ice like you're Bill Russel. Well you ain't. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, you're just jealous. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Yeah, Monix played solid minutes, for lots of teams. He's played in the NBA, that's more than you can say. CLARENCE Whatever. At least I never sat on the bench and then called myself a champion. You didn't do shit for that Celtic team. If I was Dave Cowens, I'd yank that ring right off your neck. That was a pretty heated exchange. Monix looks like he's got something to say, but he doesn't. Clarence has the last word. CLARENCE He doesn't wear it on his finger because he knows he didn't earn it. He didn't even play. 41. Monix looks out the window. EXT. ROAD GAME #1 - NIGHT 'The Jet' is parked outside the arena. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) We're just a few minutes away from game one of the Tropic's 6 game road trip. With talk of an NBA merger hitting the league, there's a new electricity surrounding tonight's game... INT. VISITOR'S LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT Jackie addresses his team before tip off. JACKIE MOON Alright. Now, a lot of people out there are writing us off. A lot people are saying things like 'Jackie Moon is an offensive liability.' They're saying 'Flint's turnovers led to sixty fast break points per game.' (Making this up) They're saying 'Bee Bee's retarded brother is so retarded that his eyes look too big,. Like a French Bulldog. BEE BEE ELLIS No one said that, man. JACKIE MOON (trying to motivate) Yes they did. And we're going to use it as motivation, okay? THIS IS OUR TIME! WE'RE GOING TO SHOOT MORE THAN WE'VE EVER SHOT BEFORE! NOW BRING IT IN! READY? ONE TWO THREE- EVERYONE LET'S GET TROPICAL! MONTAGE: FLINT PLAYS HARDER BUT THEY STILL SUCK. GAME 1) JACKIE MOON sprints across the floor tries to get two f eet planted in the lane. It's not even close, JACKIE HAS TAKEN A GUY DOWN HARD. The ref whistles a blocking foul. 42. JACKIE MOON OH, C'MON!? Where's the charge, Father Pat? FATHER PAT THE REF Both feet weren't planted. JACKIE MOON OH, SUCK MY COCK. I WILL MURDER YOUR FAMILY. FATHER PAT THE REF That's it, you're out. JACKIE MOON What!? What did I say? Jackie takes a ball and drop kicks it, PUNTING IT high up into the rafters. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: COLONELS 111 TROPICS 92. GAME 2) MONIX drives the lane, fast and smart -- A no-look pass hits Scootsie Double-Day in the shoulder. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY AH. MY COLLAR BONE! BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: SQUIRES 90 TROPICS 70. GAME 3) CLARENCE and BEE BEE jog back on Defense. CLARENCE I ain't guarding my guy anymore. BEE BEE ELLIS Why not? CLARENCE He's too'Damn sweaty, man. (re: his wet uniform) Look at me. BEE BEE ELLIS Gross. Well, I ain't guarding him. Monix notices this discussion. MONIX Quit talking and play defense! The sweaty guy backs in on Clarence, posting up top. 44. GAME 5) Jackie Moon plays great defense, rejecting a shot! Monix grabs the ball and dribbles on a fast break. Clarence trails, in perfect position... CLARENCE Right on! I'm open baby! Try a behind-the-back! Monix delivers a nice two handed bounce pass, but Clarence isn't ready for anything fundamentally sound -- The ball hits him in the nuts. CLARENCE Ah, shit. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: PIPERS 105 TROPICS 91. EXT. HOTEL STRIP - NIGHT Angle on a big hotel with fancy lights -- but then we pan to reveal: A shitty motel. The 'Jet' is parked at the cheap place. INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Two twin beds in a crap-box motel room. Monix has the phone to his ear, but it just keeps ringing. He'd leave a message for Lynn, but answering machines haven't been invented yet. He hangs up, looks in the mirror, and now takes his Championship ring necklace off. He looks at the ring in his hand... And shoves it into his duffle bag. CLARENCE (O.S.) I brought us some ice. Monix is startled. Clarence, his roommate for the night, enters. MONIX Ice? What for? CLARENCE I don't know, it's free. Clarence takes some ice, pops it in his mouth and starts crunching. CLARENCE Want some? 45. MONIX No thanks. Now BEE BEE enters, yet another player in the small room. BEE BEE ELLIS That Root Beer machine took my fucking change, man. White people are assholes. Monix ignores this. Laying back, he focuses on the TV: THE CELTICS are playing. Their trapping defense is a thing of beauty. Clarence walks over and flicks the channels, until he stops at 'Love American Style.' MONIX You turned off the Celtics? CLARENCE I don't watch people play basketball. They watch me. With that, Clarence pulls out a JOINT and lights it. MONIX (re: the marijuana) What the Hell is that? CLARENCE (as he inhales) It's a fucking Egg-McMuffin. Monix opens the window, clearing the pot smoke out of his face. JACKIE EXITS the bathroom, having just taken a shower. He's wearing a very small robe. This is now the fourth player who's sleeping in this tiny room. MONIX Why don't you shower in your room? JACKIE MOON My wife is using it. I'll be crashing with you guys tonight. (NOTICING) Ice? Awesome. (as he eats ice, re: TV) Love American Style? Turn it up. 46. Jackie doesn't say a word about the pot. Instead he keeps his eyes glued to the TV, then reaches for the joint and SMOKES IT. MONIX Jackie, have you ever even slept with your wife? JACKIE MOON (LYING) What? Are you kidding? Try, like, every weekend. She's so hot. MONIX Sounds like a great arrangement. JACKIE MOON You guys need to wake up. Quit living like it's the 1950's, man. Live it up. (showing off) Hey Clarence, let's have some of that smoke, bro. MONIX I'm pretty sure we have a game tomorrow. JACKIE MOON (as he inhales) This stuff won't affect you. It's premium. Jackie finishes inhaling, then holds it out for Monix. He stares at the joint, then around the room at his teammates. MONIX Well, if this is really going to be my life, I might as well be stoned like everyone else. JACKIE MOON Well said. Monix takes the stupid joint. The instant Monix inhales he COUGHS LIKE CRAZY. MONIX What the Hell is this? CLARENCE What do you mean? 47. MONIX It's harsh. CLARENCE Take that back. MONIX Take what back? JACKIE MOON His Mom grows it. CLARENCE Yeah, in the yard. MONIX Your Mom grew this? CLARENCE It's sweet grass. MONIX Well, I'm finished, thanks. CLARENCE What's wrong, my Mom's weed ain't good enough for you? MONIX I guess not. JACKIE MOON C'mon man, have some respect for his Mom's weed. CLARENCE That's it, I ain't sleeping in the same bed as this motherfucker. INT. AMIGO STADIUM - ROAD TRIP GAME 6 - NEXT NIGHT Television cameras are being set up. A camera man cleans the lens. Jackie studies the cameras, mesmerized by the idea of television. He speaks with the Amigo's manager. AMIGO MANAGER You want all the fans to sit on one side of the stadium? 48. JACKIE MOON Yeah, just move all those people over to this side. (DEMONSTRATING) See, the TV cameras are going to face this way, right? Well, if we fill the seats on that side, we'll look sold out. AMIGO MANAGER Actually, that's not a bad idea. MEANWHILE, ON THE COURT: Both teams are warming up. Clarence now has a new name on his Jersey. There are so many words, there is barely space for a number. It's a mess. CLARENCE (re: Jersey, new name) Check it out. I sewed it on the bus. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY (struggling to read it) What's it say? CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. The asshole, PETRELLI, wanders over near the Tropics side of the court. PETRELLI Yo, Granny Yarn Barn, how's the needle point going? CLARENCE Kiss my ass, Petrelli. PETRELLI (re: the Jersey name) Hey man, I think you spelled 'Flint sucks balls' wrong. (BEAT) This guy's the next Betsy Ross! Aren't you Clarence? The guys laugh. MONIX walks up, defending his teammate. MONIX No one calls him Clarence. His name IS-- (BEAT) What's your name? 49. CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. MONIX His name's Jumping Johnny Johnson. (nose to nose) You got that? Jackie hurries over. JACKIE MOON Alright, break it up. (to his team) Everyone huddle up!... VAKIDIS! OVER HERE. Where is he walking to? (BEAT) Fuck it. Listen up, we're on National TV tonight. And you all know what that means: The league needs a good clean game. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, that's a bunch of dog shit. JACKIE MOON Hey! You guys want to merge or not? Because the fastest way to screw this up is to start punching people in the face while the commissioner is at home, watching the game with his kids... Children are very impressionable. Their minds are not yet soiled by the cruel realities of this world. BEE BEE ELLIS What? JACKIE MOON No punching. Behind the huddle, FANS BEGIN WALKING RIGHT ACROSS THE COURT. Both teams turn to watch this strange thing. The Amigos manager leads the herd, Jackie helps out, directing them across to the other side. JACKIE MOON THAT'S RIGHT, JUST MOVE RIGHT ACROSS- IF YOU COULD JUST FILL IN ALL OF THOSE EMPTY SEATS IN THAT AREA, THAT'D BE GREAT. 50. INT. AMIGO'S STADIUM - LATER The optical illusion has worked. The game does indeed look crowded. The game is in full swing. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) This sold out crowd is loving this one, the Amigos up by twenty-six here in the second. Monix drains a nice jumper, but out of nowhere, Petrelli, the guy we hate, throws a hard shoulder, knocking Monix to the floor. MONIX That's a moving pick Father Pat! C'mon! FATHER PAT THE REF Play on. Monix can't believe it. Petrelli taunts Monix. PETRELLI What's wrong Monix, cat got your 'nads? Monix faces off. JACKIE MOON MONIX! NO! (POINTING) Not with the cameras. (miming the commish') He's watching. Monix looks around and thinks... MONIX What about commercials? JACKIE MOON What? MONIX Commercials, what about commercials? Jackie thinks about this, then nods 'good idea.' JACKIE MOON I like it. Time out Ref! 51. ANNOUNCER (V.0. ) A time out on the floor, 5:20 left before the half, the Amigos 45, the Tropics 19, we'll be right back after this message from Shasta. The camera's on air' red light turns off. CAMERA MAN (rooting them on) And... You're clear. JACKIE MOON SOMEBODY HIT SOMEBODY! BAM! MONIX CLOCKS PETRELLI. BAM! JACKIE MOON PUNCHES ANOTHER GUY. PETRELLI TAKES THE HIT AND TACKLES MONIX. BOTH BENCHES CLEAR. THE CROWD GOES NUTS. INT. THE COMMISSIONER'S HOUSE - MEANWHILE The commissioner relaxes at home with his two kids... A Shasta commercial is on TV. SHASTA COMMERCIAL (V.0.) (on TV) I want a pop... I want a -- Shasta... INT. AMIGO STADIUM - CONTINUOUS MAYHEM. JACKIE MOON IS YANKING A FAN'S HAIR. A TALL GUY IS ABOUT TO POUND SHORT LITTLE KONG. BUT NOW KONG JUMPS IN THE AIR AND DOES A SWEET ROUND-HOUSE JUDO KICK, KNOCKING THE TALL GUY TO THE FLOOR. KONG Hi-Ya! MEANWHILE: MONIX AND PETRELLI ARE TRADING HOCKEY PUNCHES... CAMERA MAN And we're back in -5- (Monix punches Petrelli) -4- (Petrelli punches Monix) -3- (Monix punches Petrelli) 52 -2- (Monix ducks and punches) (cuing the announcers) AND WE'RE ON. THE 'RED LIGHT' GLOWS. ON A DIME: EVERYONE STOPS PUNCHING, STANDS UP STRAIGHT AND SMILES. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) Welcome back to the ABA game of the week... Players hold their heads in pain. Others limp back to the bench. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) .The camaraderie and spirit of this league is on full display here tonight... Off camera, Monix delivers a secret punch to Patrelli's spleen. INT. LOCKER ROOM - HALF TIME Jackie runs the half time talk, standing in front of the chalk board. JACKIE MOON Okay, solid first half guys, but we're going to have to make some ADJ-- Monix interrupts Jackie, pissed. He addresses the team, stepping in front of Jackie Moon. MONIX --This is bullshit guys. They're kicking our ass in basketball and they're kicking our ass during the commercials, too. Does anybody here understand the concept of the pick and roll? Because they're going to keep double teaming at the top of the key until somebody rotates the Damn ball... JACKIE MOON Yeah! C'mon guys! Rotate the ball. Monix looks at this group and gets even madder. 53. MONIX Does anyone in this room have any pride? Don't you realize, this is thelast four weeks of basketball anyus are ever going to play?Is thishow we're really going togo out?You'd think we'd want toend ourcareers battling, hustling after every loose ball. Boxing out under the boards. Setting picks for our teammates. But we haven't done shit out there. Twiggy Munson and Scootsie Double-Day hang their heads. MONIX We're a bunch of selfish assholes -- And I've got news for you, we aren't going to finish in fourth, we're going to finish dead last. Monix paces in front of the guys, a man possessed. MONIX One day, you're going to look back on your life... And you're going to look back on this time... And you're going to realize... Monix is staring right at Clarence. And Clarence is actually listening... MONIX .You're going to realize you never even played basketball. A moment of silence after the intensity. Monix waddles to the door. MONIX Now, you guys have fun out there in the second half. If anyone needs me, I'll be in the training room, draining my knee. Monix limps off, everyone's head is hanging low. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY He's right. 54. BEE BEE ELLIS Of course he's right. But what the Hell are we supposed to do about it? We don't even have plays. INT. JACKIE MOON'S OFFICE - DAYS LATER We're back in Flint. Jackie is back in his office, speaking on the phone. JACKIE MOON (into phone) Dukes! | swept | How many times the word 'swept' appears in the text? | 0 |
without looking over... CLARENCE Not everyone sits around dreaming of playing in the NBA, you know. 25. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Maybe not. But you do. TWIGGY MUNSON Yeah, that's all you ever talk about. MONIX You're not jealous, are you Clarence? CLARENCE No one calls me Clarence. BEE BEE ELLIS His name's Downtown. MONIX Okay Downtown. I'll make sure Downtown is only referred to as Downtown, okay Downtown? CLARENCE Don't think I don't know what you're doing. You're doing that thing where you pretend to mean what you say, but you don't. BEE BEE ELLIS Sarcasm. CLARENCE Yeah. How'd you like that sarcasm smacked off your face? MONIX Bring it, funky stuff. BEE BEE ELLIS That's sarcasm, man. He's doing it again! CLARENCE (to Bee Bee) I got this, alright? Monix squares off with a smile that says 'hit me.' Clarence takes off his leather full length and folds it nicely. CLARENCE (in Monix's face) How'd you like a knuckle sandwich? 26. MONIX Knuckle sandwich? Who says that? CLARENCE I do motherfucker. I'm gonna pound you so hard, you're-- MONIX REARS HIS FIST BACK, about to release a strong Popeye HOOK-- CLARENCE WAIT! CLARENCE IMMEDIATELY SWITCHES GEARS, PUTTING HIS HANDS UP LIKE A SCARED LITTLE GIRL. CLARENCE (like a sissy) --WAIT! OKAY? COOL COOL COOL. CHILL OUT, MAN, ALRIGHT? WE'RE COOL-- BAM. MONIX PUNCHES CLARENCE IN THE STOMACH ANYWAY. BEE BEE ELLIS YESSS! I LIKE IT! IT'S OUR OWN TEAM, BUT I LIKE IT. One of the party people, a ball girl, GAYLE, interrupts. GAYLE Excuse me boys. You mind, if I borrow your friend for a minute? INT. DANCE FLOOR - MEANWHILE Jackie is dancing to his own song, still wearing the ice packs on his knees. The song ends and A DIFFERENT ONE STARTS. JACKIE MOON (looking to the DJ) Hold on a second. MELINDA What's wrong? JACKIE MOON Where's the boogie? Jackie fights his way through the crowd to the DJ booth. JACKIE MOON (to DJ, over music) HEY! WHERE'S THE BOOGIE? 27. DJ I ALREADY PLAYED YOUR SONG FOUR TIMES. JACKIE MOON GET UP. DJ NO. YOU CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS, JACKIE. I'M THE DJ. JACKIE MOON (taking over as DJ) NOT ANY MORE. YOU'RE ON SNACK PATROL. SCREECH -- The music stops. JACKIE MOON (into the mic) The year was 1973. A young musician named Jackie Moon, finishes years of musical training, only to find he is a slave to the notes on the page. He knows it's time to break free. In a sudden fit of creative mastery, he grabs a pen and a napkin and writes a song that breaks all the rules. Ladies and gentleman... Let's get sweaty. MUSIC CUE: Jackie's song. Everyone goes crazy. JACKIE MOON (V.0.) (studio version) Baby, who wants to; love me sexy. baby, are you ready to; lick me sexy. Take off your shoes and; suck me sexy. Baby, we're naked and we're; humping sexy-- INT. DAIQUIRI ROOM - NIGHT Gayle and Monix walk upstairs into the 'coolest' room ever. Carpet on the ceiling, a plaid couch, a fish tank, a water bed, mirrors, etc. GAYLE I'm glad they traded for you, I got myself a cute one. MONIX So, this is the Daiquiri room? 28. LUCY MOON (O.S. ) That's right. REVEAL: LUCY MOON, Jackie's wife, is on the couch. She's the hottest girl in the world. LUCY MOON What do you think, Gayle? Does he like it with my boots on, or does he like my boots off? GAYLE He seems like a boots on kind of guy. LUCY MOON Then it looks like I'm ready. As soon as you slide these shorts off of me. MONIX Aren't you Jackie's wife? LUCY MOON He knows about the Daiquiri room. GAYLE It's a new tradition we're starting, when new players join. MONIX I see. Well, I'm going to have to pass. I'm good, thanks. LUCY MOON Honey, you don't know what good is. With that, Lucy flicks on the stereo-- MUSIC CUE: THE BAR KEYS 'TOO HOT TO STOP.' MONIX Listen um... (i.e. what's your name?) GAYLE My name is 'no strings attached.' LUCY MOON You can call me Mrs. Moon. Gayle and Lucy perform a funky/seductive dance, moving closer and closer to Monix. 29. MONIX I don't think this is going to happen, Mrs. Moon. LUCY MOON It has to. GAYLE It's bad luck if you don't. MONIX Yeah, I'd hate to bring bad luck to Flint Michigan. Lucy has sprayed some WHIP CREAM on her nipples. LUCY MOON (whip cream) Why don't you lick these clean for me? MONIX I can't eat dairy. Lucy decides that now is a good time to aggressively KISS him. Monix pushes her away. MONIX Nice tits, Mrs. Moon. I gotta go. Monix walks down the stairs. LUCY MOON (calling after him) I see what this is: You want us to send Eric and Marcus up here? On the way out, Monix flicks her off. INT. LYNN'S HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT Lynn is asleep next to Kyle. She awakes to someone pounding on the door. EXT. LYNN'S FRONT YARD - NIGHT Lynn has arrived at the screen door. Monix, wasted, doesn't notice Lynn yet, he keeps pounding until she opens it. LYNN Why are you here? 30. MONIX I got traded. LYNN I mean, why are you here? MONIX Can we talk? KYLE (O.S.) --Yo, Monix, you're wasted! Ha! Kyle has come out to say hi. MONIX Yeah. Sorry man-- KYLE What's up! That of jump shot of yours ain't broke yet, is it? MONIX No. Ha. KYLE Great back door cut for the lay-up in the third. That's how basketball should be played. MONIX Kyle, can you give us a second? We need to talk. KYLE No problem. Great game tonight man. MONIX Why does your boyfriend like me so much? LYNN You're his favorite player. MONIX Look, there are still some things I think we need to talk about. LYNN I've already said everything I'm ever going to say to you. 31. MONIX I see. (BEAT) Well, I guess I'll be leaving then. Monix walks away... Then turns back. MONIX You're really not going to stop me? LYNN No. Monix walks more, until Lynn speaks. LYNN You're going to end up walking with a cane the rest of your life. You have to quit. MONIX And do what? LYNN I don't know... Kill yourself, I guess. MONIX Kill myself? LYNN You act like there's nothing else in the world besides basketball. If that's how you really feel, then go ahead and get it over with. I'm going to sleep. MONIX Thanks for the pep. talk. LYNN No problem. MONIX Lynn. (she opens the door again) Can I ask you for one favor? LYNN You want a favor? MONIX My knee. 32. LYNN Oh, Jesus Christ Monix. It's 4 a.m. Lynn stares at him in disbelief. Monix shrugs. MONIX No one here can drain it right. LYNN Fine. Monix nods, then makes a move toward the door. LYNN No. You're not coming in. We'll do it in the yard. DISSOLVE TO: INT. JACKIE'S MONTE CARLO - DAYS LATER Jackie drives in his car, practicing for the meeting. tries to build some confidence. JACKIE MOON (into the rear view, very CIVILIZED) Well, hello Commissioner -- Why sure, I would love one of your Puerto Rican cigars -- Oh, I know I'm a legitimate owner, you don't have to tell me that -- We're merging with the NBA? Oh, that's nice -- Ha Ha Ha! Good one, Commish ... EXT. INDIANAPOLIS - CONTINUOUS A brick building on the outskirts of Indianapolis. A sign says. WELCOME ABA OWNERS. Jackie pulls into the lot and parks. He looks in the mirror one last time. JACKIE MOON Your Mom would be proud of you today. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS Not-quite-Rich guys surround a large oak table. JACKIE is by far the youngest of the owners. 33. COMMISH .I'm sure each of you have heard the rumors. And I'm here to tell you, the rumors are true. The ABA will be merging with the NBA at the end of this season. JACKIE MOON YES!!! (to an old guy) GIVE ME TEN, NORTON! YES!! (fists to the ceiling) EVERYONE CAN EAT SHIT! I AM THE GREATEST MAN IN THE WORLD! COMMISH Our league is sold. And the NBA agreed to all of our financial demands! Now Jackie turns inward, more quietly intense. This is, without question, the greatest moment of his life. JACKIE MOON (to himself) You're a real owner. You're in the NBA. COMMISH Four of our teams will be absorbed into the NBA family, the rest of you will terminate operations. JACKIE MOON Exactly! You know it! (now hearing) I'm sorry, wait, what? COMMISH The Nuggets, The Nets, The Spurs and the Pacers will play in the NBA next year. The rest of us will dissolve. JACKIE MOON Dissolve? Dissolve, like, how? How do I dissolve into the NBA? The winning owners look at each other, not sure how to handle Jackie. JACKIE MOON What's happening? 34. COMMISH I'm sorry Jackie. We all know how. emotional you get. We waited until the very last second to tell you. Jackie pounds the table. JACKIE MOON No. NO! NO!!! He kicks over his chair... THE COMMISH We know you're upset, Jackie. But you'll be very well compensated. LOSING OWNER #1 Everyone's agreed to a very large sum. JACKIE MOON I don't want a sum! I want my team! (to the losing owners) C'mon you guys, you're not going to just sit here and take the money, are you? They are. JACKIE MOON (to winning owners) What do the Spurs have that we don't? THE COMMISH A huge fan base. A brand new stadium. A solid economic growth package, including strong tax incentives. JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon, that's BULLSHIT! COMMISH The NBA is taking four teams, Jackie, there's nothing I can do. Jackie goes quiet, thinking... An epic idea hits him. JACKIE MOON The best four teams should go. 35. COMMISH What? JACKIE MOON Forget the huge fan base, the stadiums, the economic... (a little lost) Growing... package... inventions... WINNING OWNER #1 (correcting him) Economic growth pack-- JACKIE MOON I KNOW WHAT I SAID! (to the room) The four teams with the best records should merge. LOSING OWNER #2 He's right. LOSING OWNER #1 Yeah, that's the fairest way. COMMISH These four teams DO have the best records. Flint's only won six games all year! JACKIE MOON So far. The season isn't over. LOSING OWNER #2 Yeah, maybe we should finish the season first. COMMISH This plan sounds like a lot of fun, but it's too late. The commissioner, me, has already decided. LOSING OWNER #2 Actually, the terms of a merger can only be approved by a league mandate. JACKIE MOON YES. That's right. What he said. 36. LOSING OWNER #1 I move that we vote on the terms of the merger. EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NEXT DAY The team sits around the parking lot, sitting on their duffle bags, dejected. Jackie is having a team meeting. JACKIE MOON C'mon you guys, let's try to stay psyched. This is a chance to become a real NBA franchise! CLARENCE There's no way we can make it to fourth place. It's mathematically impossible. JACKIE MOON I ran the numbers. All we have to do is win about eighty-two percent of our remaining games. CLARENCE Eighty-two percent? Isn't that a lot? JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon! We just gotta start hitting our threes. (guys look around, unsure) Listen, I know this seems like bad news, but it doesn't have to be. This is a big road trip for us. We've just got to start playing solid Flint basketball. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY I don't know. We suck, man. JACKIE SLAPS SCOOTSIE. JACKIE MOON (re: The slap) Sorry. JACKIE SLAPS HIM AGAIN, HARDER. JACKIE MOON We do not suck, okay? We just have to want it! 37. Pumped, Jackie walks around with his hands on his hips. BEE BEE ELLIS What do you think, Monix? All eyes turn on the grumpy one. MONIX I think we suck. JACKIE MOON Well... See, now there's some team unity! Now let's load up the jet. REVEAL: A SHITTY SCHOOL BUS has the words 'THE JET!' Spray- painted in graffiti letters with a palm tree next to it. JACKIE MOON (as they load up) Now we've got a special treat. You know I take care of my family. Today, the Jet is catered. I had Downtown's Mom pack us some hot dish. BEE BEE ELLIS Ms. Quincy's hot dish? Sweet! INT. BUS - CONTINUOUS The guys load up. It's so packed it's ridiculous. Everyone tries to stuff their gear somewhere and sit down. Jackie carries a big pot of hot dish, accidentally burning Scootsie's back. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Ah, watch the hot dish, man. JACKIE MOON Sorry Scootsie. TWIGGY MUNSON Hey Jackie, there's some dude out there, wants to talk to you. POV: Out the window, we can see DUKES, the full court shot winner, holding his GIANT CHECK and looking into the bus. He's still shirtless, with a star-spangled headband. EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - MOMENTS LATER Jackie and Dukes are next to the bus, discussing the check. 38. DUKES I tried Jackie. They won't take it. They said it's 'symbolic.' JACKIE MOON What does symbolic mean? DUKES I don't know. But they said I need a real check. JACKIE MOON I don't know what your bank is talking about. That is a real check. I signed it myself. DUKES It's written in glitter, dude. Can't you just give me, like, a regular sized one? JACKIE MOON I don't get it. People are usually able to cash these. Maybe you should try another bank. (trying to wrap it up) If you run into any more trouble, let me know. DUKES Okay Jackie, thanks man. JACKIE MOON Any time, congratulations. Jackie turns away from Dukes and exhales, walking back to the bus. MUSIC CUE: 'SHORT PEOPLE' BY RANDY NEWMAN. EXT. THE HIGHWAY - DAY We're flying down the highway. INT. THE JET - DAY Kong, the small Asian player, is driving, singing along with Jackie to the radio... JACKIE MOON & KONG (singing Randy Newman) SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... 39. SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE Jackie reaches up into a special bin and takes out some beef jerky, then yells out the window. JACKIE (out the window at a car) YOU IN-THE-GREEN-CAR GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE... Pan back to see the whole team crammed into tiny seats. Vakidis has his knees pointing straight toward the ceiling. Twiggy Munson is reading '70's pornography. Clarence is sewing a new name onto his jersey. The rest of the guys are eating their hot dish. MONIX So, Clarence, what's in this 'hot dish' anyway? CLARENCE My Mom cooked your ass a whole Damn meal, why you gotta go asking what's in it? MONIX It's a compliment. It's good. CLARENCE If it's good, then it's good. Why do you gotta know what's in it? What's in hot dish? Hot dish is in hot dish, asshole. BEE BEE and SCOOTSIE look over the seat, facing them. BEE BEE ELLIS Hey Monix, what were the Celtics like? MONIX They were fast. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Fast? No one's faster than me. I should be on the Celtics. MONIX (pointing to his mind) Fast up here. 40. BEE BEE ELLIS You're supposed to be Mr. Smartball. Why'd you get bounced? MONIX Well, you have to be able to jump too. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Hey, let us see that ring again. MONIX Not right now, okay Twiggy? CLARENCE Isn't it a little embarrassing wearing that thing everyday? MONIX Embarrassing? CLARENCE You call yourself a Celtic? You sat through every single playoff game. You didn't see action once. And now you walk around wearing the ice like you're Bill Russel. Well you ain't. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, you're just jealous. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Yeah, Monix played solid minutes, for lots of teams. He's played in the NBA, that's more than you can say. CLARENCE Whatever. At least I never sat on the bench and then called myself a champion. You didn't do shit for that Celtic team. If I was Dave Cowens, I'd yank that ring right off your neck. That was a pretty heated exchange. Monix looks like he's got something to say, but he doesn't. Clarence has the last word. CLARENCE He doesn't wear it on his finger because he knows he didn't earn it. He didn't even play. 41. Monix looks out the window. EXT. ROAD GAME #1 - NIGHT 'The Jet' is parked outside the arena. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) We're just a few minutes away from game one of the Tropic's 6 game road trip. With talk of an NBA merger hitting the league, there's a new electricity surrounding tonight's game... INT. VISITOR'S LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT Jackie addresses his team before tip off. JACKIE MOON Alright. Now, a lot of people out there are writing us off. A lot people are saying things like 'Jackie Moon is an offensive liability.' They're saying 'Flint's turnovers led to sixty fast break points per game.' (Making this up) They're saying 'Bee Bee's retarded brother is so retarded that his eyes look too big,. Like a French Bulldog. BEE BEE ELLIS No one said that, man. JACKIE MOON (trying to motivate) Yes they did. And we're going to use it as motivation, okay? THIS IS OUR TIME! WE'RE GOING TO SHOOT MORE THAN WE'VE EVER SHOT BEFORE! NOW BRING IT IN! READY? ONE TWO THREE- EVERYONE LET'S GET TROPICAL! MONTAGE: FLINT PLAYS HARDER BUT THEY STILL SUCK. GAME 1) JACKIE MOON sprints across the floor tries to get two f eet planted in the lane. It's not even close, JACKIE HAS TAKEN A GUY DOWN HARD. The ref whistles a blocking foul. 42. JACKIE MOON OH, C'MON!? Where's the charge, Father Pat? FATHER PAT THE REF Both feet weren't planted. JACKIE MOON OH, SUCK MY COCK. I WILL MURDER YOUR FAMILY. FATHER PAT THE REF That's it, you're out. JACKIE MOON What!? What did I say? Jackie takes a ball and drop kicks it, PUNTING IT high up into the rafters. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: COLONELS 111 TROPICS 92. GAME 2) MONIX drives the lane, fast and smart -- A no-look pass hits Scootsie Double-Day in the shoulder. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY AH. MY COLLAR BONE! BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: SQUIRES 90 TROPICS 70. GAME 3) CLARENCE and BEE BEE jog back on Defense. CLARENCE I ain't guarding my guy anymore. BEE BEE ELLIS Why not? CLARENCE He's too'Damn sweaty, man. (re: his wet uniform) Look at me. BEE BEE ELLIS Gross. Well, I ain't guarding him. Monix notices this discussion. MONIX Quit talking and play defense! The sweaty guy backs in on Clarence, posting up top. 44. GAME 5) Jackie Moon plays great defense, rejecting a shot! Monix grabs the ball and dribbles on a fast break. Clarence trails, in perfect position... CLARENCE Right on! I'm open baby! Try a behind-the-back! Monix delivers a nice two handed bounce pass, but Clarence isn't ready for anything fundamentally sound -- The ball hits him in the nuts. CLARENCE Ah, shit. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: PIPERS 105 TROPICS 91. EXT. HOTEL STRIP - NIGHT Angle on a big hotel with fancy lights -- but then we pan to reveal: A shitty motel. The 'Jet' is parked at the cheap place. INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Two twin beds in a crap-box motel room. Monix has the phone to his ear, but it just keeps ringing. He'd leave a message for Lynn, but answering machines haven't been invented yet. He hangs up, looks in the mirror, and now takes his Championship ring necklace off. He looks at the ring in his hand... And shoves it into his duffle bag. CLARENCE (O.S.) I brought us some ice. Monix is startled. Clarence, his roommate for the night, enters. MONIX Ice? What for? CLARENCE I don't know, it's free. Clarence takes some ice, pops it in his mouth and starts crunching. CLARENCE Want some? 45. MONIX No thanks. Now BEE BEE enters, yet another player in the small room. BEE BEE ELLIS That Root Beer machine took my fucking change, man. White people are assholes. Monix ignores this. Laying back, he focuses on the TV: THE CELTICS are playing. Their trapping defense is a thing of beauty. Clarence walks over and flicks the channels, until he stops at 'Love American Style.' MONIX You turned off the Celtics? CLARENCE I don't watch people play basketball. They watch me. With that, Clarence pulls out a JOINT and lights it. MONIX (re: the marijuana) What the Hell is that? CLARENCE (as he inhales) It's a fucking Egg-McMuffin. Monix opens the window, clearing the pot smoke out of his face. JACKIE EXITS the bathroom, having just taken a shower. He's wearing a very small robe. This is now the fourth player who's sleeping in this tiny room. MONIX Why don't you shower in your room? JACKIE MOON My wife is using it. I'll be crashing with you guys tonight. (NOTICING) Ice? Awesome. (as he eats ice, re: TV) Love American Style? Turn it up. 46. Jackie doesn't say a word about the pot. Instead he keeps his eyes glued to the TV, then reaches for the joint and SMOKES IT. MONIX Jackie, have you ever even slept with your wife? JACKIE MOON (LYING) What? Are you kidding? Try, like, every weekend. She's so hot. MONIX Sounds like a great arrangement. JACKIE MOON You guys need to wake up. Quit living like it's the 1950's, man. Live it up. (showing off) Hey Clarence, let's have some of that smoke, bro. MONIX I'm pretty sure we have a game tomorrow. JACKIE MOON (as he inhales) This stuff won't affect you. It's premium. Jackie finishes inhaling, then holds it out for Monix. He stares at the joint, then around the room at his teammates. MONIX Well, if this is really going to be my life, I might as well be stoned like everyone else. JACKIE MOON Well said. Monix takes the stupid joint. The instant Monix inhales he COUGHS LIKE CRAZY. MONIX What the Hell is this? CLARENCE What do you mean? 47. MONIX It's harsh. CLARENCE Take that back. MONIX Take what back? JACKIE MOON His Mom grows it. CLARENCE Yeah, in the yard. MONIX Your Mom grew this? CLARENCE It's sweet grass. MONIX Well, I'm finished, thanks. CLARENCE What's wrong, my Mom's weed ain't good enough for you? MONIX I guess not. JACKIE MOON C'mon man, have some respect for his Mom's weed. CLARENCE That's it, I ain't sleeping in the same bed as this motherfucker. INT. AMIGO STADIUM - ROAD TRIP GAME 6 - NEXT NIGHT Television cameras are being set up. A camera man cleans the lens. Jackie studies the cameras, mesmerized by the idea of television. He speaks with the Amigo's manager. AMIGO MANAGER You want all the fans to sit on one side of the stadium? 48. JACKIE MOON Yeah, just move all those people over to this side. (DEMONSTRATING) See, the TV cameras are going to face this way, right? Well, if we fill the seats on that side, we'll look sold out. AMIGO MANAGER Actually, that's not a bad idea. MEANWHILE, ON THE COURT: Both teams are warming up. Clarence now has a new name on his Jersey. There are so many words, there is barely space for a number. It's a mess. CLARENCE (re: Jersey, new name) Check it out. I sewed it on the bus. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY (struggling to read it) What's it say? CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. The asshole, PETRELLI, wanders over near the Tropics side of the court. PETRELLI Yo, Granny Yarn Barn, how's the needle point going? CLARENCE Kiss my ass, Petrelli. PETRELLI (re: the Jersey name) Hey man, I think you spelled 'Flint sucks balls' wrong. (BEAT) This guy's the next Betsy Ross! Aren't you Clarence? The guys laugh. MONIX walks up, defending his teammate. MONIX No one calls him Clarence. His name IS-- (BEAT) What's your name? 49. CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. MONIX His name's Jumping Johnny Johnson. (nose to nose) You got that? Jackie hurries over. JACKIE MOON Alright, break it up. (to his team) Everyone huddle up!... VAKIDIS! OVER HERE. Where is he walking to? (BEAT) Fuck it. Listen up, we're on National TV tonight. And you all know what that means: The league needs a good clean game. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, that's a bunch of dog shit. JACKIE MOON Hey! You guys want to merge or not? Because the fastest way to screw this up is to start punching people in the face while the commissioner is at home, watching the game with his kids... Children are very impressionable. Their minds are not yet soiled by the cruel realities of this world. BEE BEE ELLIS What? JACKIE MOON No punching. Behind the huddle, FANS BEGIN WALKING RIGHT ACROSS THE COURT. Both teams turn to watch this strange thing. The Amigos manager leads the herd, Jackie helps out, directing them across to the other side. JACKIE MOON THAT'S RIGHT, JUST MOVE RIGHT ACROSS- IF YOU COULD JUST FILL IN ALL OF THOSE EMPTY SEATS IN THAT AREA, THAT'D BE GREAT. 50. INT. AMIGO'S STADIUM - LATER The optical illusion has worked. The game does indeed look crowded. The game is in full swing. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) This sold out crowd is loving this one, the Amigos up by twenty-six here in the second. Monix drains a nice jumper, but out of nowhere, Petrelli, the guy we hate, throws a hard shoulder, knocking Monix to the floor. MONIX That's a moving pick Father Pat! C'mon! FATHER PAT THE REF Play on. Monix can't believe it. Petrelli taunts Monix. PETRELLI What's wrong Monix, cat got your 'nads? Monix faces off. JACKIE MOON MONIX! NO! (POINTING) Not with the cameras. (miming the commish') He's watching. Monix looks around and thinks... MONIX What about commercials? JACKIE MOON What? MONIX Commercials, what about commercials? Jackie thinks about this, then nods 'good idea.' JACKIE MOON I like it. Time out Ref! 51. ANNOUNCER (V.0. ) A time out on the floor, 5:20 left before the half, the Amigos 45, the Tropics 19, we'll be right back after this message from Shasta. The camera's on air' red light turns off. CAMERA MAN (rooting them on) And... You're clear. JACKIE MOON SOMEBODY HIT SOMEBODY! BAM! MONIX CLOCKS PETRELLI. BAM! JACKIE MOON PUNCHES ANOTHER GUY. PETRELLI TAKES THE HIT AND TACKLES MONIX. BOTH BENCHES CLEAR. THE CROWD GOES NUTS. INT. THE COMMISSIONER'S HOUSE - MEANWHILE The commissioner relaxes at home with his two kids... A Shasta commercial is on TV. SHASTA COMMERCIAL (V.0.) (on TV) I want a pop... I want a -- Shasta... INT. AMIGO STADIUM - CONTINUOUS MAYHEM. JACKIE MOON IS YANKING A FAN'S HAIR. A TALL GUY IS ABOUT TO POUND SHORT LITTLE KONG. BUT NOW KONG JUMPS IN THE AIR AND DOES A SWEET ROUND-HOUSE JUDO KICK, KNOCKING THE TALL GUY TO THE FLOOR. KONG Hi-Ya! MEANWHILE: MONIX AND PETRELLI ARE TRADING HOCKEY PUNCHES... CAMERA MAN And we're back in -5- (Monix punches Petrelli) -4- (Petrelli punches Monix) -3- (Monix punches Petrelli) 52 -2- (Monix ducks and punches) (cuing the announcers) AND WE'RE ON. THE 'RED LIGHT' GLOWS. ON A DIME: EVERYONE STOPS PUNCHING, STANDS UP STRAIGHT AND SMILES. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) Welcome back to the ABA game of the week... Players hold their heads in pain. Others limp back to the bench. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) .The camaraderie and spirit of this league is on full display here tonight... Off camera, Monix delivers a secret punch to Patrelli's spleen. INT. LOCKER ROOM - HALF TIME Jackie runs the half time talk, standing in front of the chalk board. JACKIE MOON Okay, solid first half guys, but we're going to have to make some ADJ-- Monix interrupts Jackie, pissed. He addresses the team, stepping in front of Jackie Moon. MONIX --This is bullshit guys. They're kicking our ass in basketball and they're kicking our ass during the commercials, too. Does anybody here understand the concept of the pick and roll? Because they're going to keep double teaming at the top of the key until somebody rotates the Damn ball... JACKIE MOON Yeah! C'mon guys! Rotate the ball. Monix looks at this group and gets even madder. 53. MONIX Does anyone in this room have any pride? Don't you realize, this is thelast four weeks of basketball anyus are ever going to play?Is thishow we're really going togo out?You'd think we'd want toend ourcareers battling, hustling after every loose ball. Boxing out under the boards. Setting picks for our teammates. But we haven't done shit out there. Twiggy Munson and Scootsie Double-Day hang their heads. MONIX We're a bunch of selfish assholes -- And I've got news for you, we aren't going to finish in fourth, we're going to finish dead last. Monix paces in front of the guys, a man possessed. MONIX One day, you're going to look back on your life... And you're going to look back on this time... And you're going to realize... Monix is staring right at Clarence. And Clarence is actually listening... MONIX .You're going to realize you never even played basketball. A moment of silence after the intensity. Monix waddles to the door. MONIX Now, you guys have fun out there in the second half. If anyone needs me, I'll be in the training room, draining my knee. Monix limps off, everyone's head is hanging low. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY He's right. 54. BEE BEE ELLIS Of course he's right. But what the Hell are we supposed to do about it? We don't even have plays. INT. JACKIE MOON'S OFFICE - DAYS LATER We're back in Flint. Jackie is back in his office, speaking on the phone. JACKIE MOON (into phone) Dukes! | favor | How many times the word 'favor' appears in the text? | 2 |
without looking over... CLARENCE Not everyone sits around dreaming of playing in the NBA, you know. 25. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Maybe not. But you do. TWIGGY MUNSON Yeah, that's all you ever talk about. MONIX You're not jealous, are you Clarence? CLARENCE No one calls me Clarence. BEE BEE ELLIS His name's Downtown. MONIX Okay Downtown. I'll make sure Downtown is only referred to as Downtown, okay Downtown? CLARENCE Don't think I don't know what you're doing. You're doing that thing where you pretend to mean what you say, but you don't. BEE BEE ELLIS Sarcasm. CLARENCE Yeah. How'd you like that sarcasm smacked off your face? MONIX Bring it, funky stuff. BEE BEE ELLIS That's sarcasm, man. He's doing it again! CLARENCE (to Bee Bee) I got this, alright? Monix squares off with a smile that says 'hit me.' Clarence takes off his leather full length and folds it nicely. CLARENCE (in Monix's face) How'd you like a knuckle sandwich? 26. MONIX Knuckle sandwich? Who says that? CLARENCE I do motherfucker. I'm gonna pound you so hard, you're-- MONIX REARS HIS FIST BACK, about to release a strong Popeye HOOK-- CLARENCE WAIT! CLARENCE IMMEDIATELY SWITCHES GEARS, PUTTING HIS HANDS UP LIKE A SCARED LITTLE GIRL. CLARENCE (like a sissy) --WAIT! OKAY? COOL COOL COOL. CHILL OUT, MAN, ALRIGHT? WE'RE COOL-- BAM. MONIX PUNCHES CLARENCE IN THE STOMACH ANYWAY. BEE BEE ELLIS YESSS! I LIKE IT! IT'S OUR OWN TEAM, BUT I LIKE IT. One of the party people, a ball girl, GAYLE, interrupts. GAYLE Excuse me boys. You mind, if I borrow your friend for a minute? INT. DANCE FLOOR - MEANWHILE Jackie is dancing to his own song, still wearing the ice packs on his knees. The song ends and A DIFFERENT ONE STARTS. JACKIE MOON (looking to the DJ) Hold on a second. MELINDA What's wrong? JACKIE MOON Where's the boogie? Jackie fights his way through the crowd to the DJ booth. JACKIE MOON (to DJ, over music) HEY! WHERE'S THE BOOGIE? 27. DJ I ALREADY PLAYED YOUR SONG FOUR TIMES. JACKIE MOON GET UP. DJ NO. YOU CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS, JACKIE. I'M THE DJ. JACKIE MOON (taking over as DJ) NOT ANY MORE. YOU'RE ON SNACK PATROL. SCREECH -- The music stops. JACKIE MOON (into the mic) The year was 1973. A young musician named Jackie Moon, finishes years of musical training, only to find he is a slave to the notes on the page. He knows it's time to break free. In a sudden fit of creative mastery, he grabs a pen and a napkin and writes a song that breaks all the rules. Ladies and gentleman... Let's get sweaty. MUSIC CUE: Jackie's song. Everyone goes crazy. JACKIE MOON (V.0.) (studio version) Baby, who wants to; love me sexy. baby, are you ready to; lick me sexy. Take off your shoes and; suck me sexy. Baby, we're naked and we're; humping sexy-- INT. DAIQUIRI ROOM - NIGHT Gayle and Monix walk upstairs into the 'coolest' room ever. Carpet on the ceiling, a plaid couch, a fish tank, a water bed, mirrors, etc. GAYLE I'm glad they traded for you, I got myself a cute one. MONIX So, this is the Daiquiri room? 28. LUCY MOON (O.S. ) That's right. REVEAL: LUCY MOON, Jackie's wife, is on the couch. She's the hottest girl in the world. LUCY MOON What do you think, Gayle? Does he like it with my boots on, or does he like my boots off? GAYLE He seems like a boots on kind of guy. LUCY MOON Then it looks like I'm ready. As soon as you slide these shorts off of me. MONIX Aren't you Jackie's wife? LUCY MOON He knows about the Daiquiri room. GAYLE It's a new tradition we're starting, when new players join. MONIX I see. Well, I'm going to have to pass. I'm good, thanks. LUCY MOON Honey, you don't know what good is. With that, Lucy flicks on the stereo-- MUSIC CUE: THE BAR KEYS 'TOO HOT TO STOP.' MONIX Listen um... (i.e. what's your name?) GAYLE My name is 'no strings attached.' LUCY MOON You can call me Mrs. Moon. Gayle and Lucy perform a funky/seductive dance, moving closer and closer to Monix. 29. MONIX I don't think this is going to happen, Mrs. Moon. LUCY MOON It has to. GAYLE It's bad luck if you don't. MONIX Yeah, I'd hate to bring bad luck to Flint Michigan. Lucy has sprayed some WHIP CREAM on her nipples. LUCY MOON (whip cream) Why don't you lick these clean for me? MONIX I can't eat dairy. Lucy decides that now is a good time to aggressively KISS him. Monix pushes her away. MONIX Nice tits, Mrs. Moon. I gotta go. Monix walks down the stairs. LUCY MOON (calling after him) I see what this is: You want us to send Eric and Marcus up here? On the way out, Monix flicks her off. INT. LYNN'S HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT Lynn is asleep next to Kyle. She awakes to someone pounding on the door. EXT. LYNN'S FRONT YARD - NIGHT Lynn has arrived at the screen door. Monix, wasted, doesn't notice Lynn yet, he keeps pounding until she opens it. LYNN Why are you here? 30. MONIX I got traded. LYNN I mean, why are you here? MONIX Can we talk? KYLE (O.S.) --Yo, Monix, you're wasted! Ha! Kyle has come out to say hi. MONIX Yeah. Sorry man-- KYLE What's up! That of jump shot of yours ain't broke yet, is it? MONIX No. Ha. KYLE Great back door cut for the lay-up in the third. That's how basketball should be played. MONIX Kyle, can you give us a second? We need to talk. KYLE No problem. Great game tonight man. MONIX Why does your boyfriend like me so much? LYNN You're his favorite player. MONIX Look, there are still some things I think we need to talk about. LYNN I've already said everything I'm ever going to say to you. 31. MONIX I see. (BEAT) Well, I guess I'll be leaving then. Monix walks away... Then turns back. MONIX You're really not going to stop me? LYNN No. Monix walks more, until Lynn speaks. LYNN You're going to end up walking with a cane the rest of your life. You have to quit. MONIX And do what? LYNN I don't know... Kill yourself, I guess. MONIX Kill myself? LYNN You act like there's nothing else in the world besides basketball. If that's how you really feel, then go ahead and get it over with. I'm going to sleep. MONIX Thanks for the pep. talk. LYNN No problem. MONIX Lynn. (she opens the door again) Can I ask you for one favor? LYNN You want a favor? MONIX My knee. 32. LYNN Oh, Jesus Christ Monix. It's 4 a.m. Lynn stares at him in disbelief. Monix shrugs. MONIX No one here can drain it right. LYNN Fine. Monix nods, then makes a move toward the door. LYNN No. You're not coming in. We'll do it in the yard. DISSOLVE TO: INT. JACKIE'S MONTE CARLO - DAYS LATER Jackie drives in his car, practicing for the meeting. tries to build some confidence. JACKIE MOON (into the rear view, very CIVILIZED) Well, hello Commissioner -- Why sure, I would love one of your Puerto Rican cigars -- Oh, I know I'm a legitimate owner, you don't have to tell me that -- We're merging with the NBA? Oh, that's nice -- Ha Ha Ha! Good one, Commish ... EXT. INDIANAPOLIS - CONTINUOUS A brick building on the outskirts of Indianapolis. A sign says. WELCOME ABA OWNERS. Jackie pulls into the lot and parks. He looks in the mirror one last time. JACKIE MOON Your Mom would be proud of you today. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS Not-quite-Rich guys surround a large oak table. JACKIE is by far the youngest of the owners. 33. COMMISH .I'm sure each of you have heard the rumors. And I'm here to tell you, the rumors are true. The ABA will be merging with the NBA at the end of this season. JACKIE MOON YES!!! (to an old guy) GIVE ME TEN, NORTON! YES!! (fists to the ceiling) EVERYONE CAN EAT SHIT! I AM THE GREATEST MAN IN THE WORLD! COMMISH Our league is sold. And the NBA agreed to all of our financial demands! Now Jackie turns inward, more quietly intense. This is, without question, the greatest moment of his life. JACKIE MOON (to himself) You're a real owner. You're in the NBA. COMMISH Four of our teams will be absorbed into the NBA family, the rest of you will terminate operations. JACKIE MOON Exactly! You know it! (now hearing) I'm sorry, wait, what? COMMISH The Nuggets, The Nets, The Spurs and the Pacers will play in the NBA next year. The rest of us will dissolve. JACKIE MOON Dissolve? Dissolve, like, how? How do I dissolve into the NBA? The winning owners look at each other, not sure how to handle Jackie. JACKIE MOON What's happening? 34. COMMISH I'm sorry Jackie. We all know how. emotional you get. We waited until the very last second to tell you. Jackie pounds the table. JACKIE MOON No. NO! NO!!! He kicks over his chair... THE COMMISH We know you're upset, Jackie. But you'll be very well compensated. LOSING OWNER #1 Everyone's agreed to a very large sum. JACKIE MOON I don't want a sum! I want my team! (to the losing owners) C'mon you guys, you're not going to just sit here and take the money, are you? They are. JACKIE MOON (to winning owners) What do the Spurs have that we don't? THE COMMISH A huge fan base. A brand new stadium. A solid economic growth package, including strong tax incentives. JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon, that's BULLSHIT! COMMISH The NBA is taking four teams, Jackie, there's nothing I can do. Jackie goes quiet, thinking... An epic idea hits him. JACKIE MOON The best four teams should go. 35. COMMISH What? JACKIE MOON Forget the huge fan base, the stadiums, the economic... (a little lost) Growing... package... inventions... WINNING OWNER #1 (correcting him) Economic growth pack-- JACKIE MOON I KNOW WHAT I SAID! (to the room) The four teams with the best records should merge. LOSING OWNER #2 He's right. LOSING OWNER #1 Yeah, that's the fairest way. COMMISH These four teams DO have the best records. Flint's only won six games all year! JACKIE MOON So far. The season isn't over. LOSING OWNER #2 Yeah, maybe we should finish the season first. COMMISH This plan sounds like a lot of fun, but it's too late. The commissioner, me, has already decided. LOSING OWNER #2 Actually, the terms of a merger can only be approved by a league mandate. JACKIE MOON YES. That's right. What he said. 36. LOSING OWNER #1 I move that we vote on the terms of the merger. EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NEXT DAY The team sits around the parking lot, sitting on their duffle bags, dejected. Jackie is having a team meeting. JACKIE MOON C'mon you guys, let's try to stay psyched. This is a chance to become a real NBA franchise! CLARENCE There's no way we can make it to fourth place. It's mathematically impossible. JACKIE MOON I ran the numbers. All we have to do is win about eighty-two percent of our remaining games. CLARENCE Eighty-two percent? Isn't that a lot? JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon! We just gotta start hitting our threes. (guys look around, unsure) Listen, I know this seems like bad news, but it doesn't have to be. This is a big road trip for us. We've just got to start playing solid Flint basketball. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY I don't know. We suck, man. JACKIE SLAPS SCOOTSIE. JACKIE MOON (re: The slap) Sorry. JACKIE SLAPS HIM AGAIN, HARDER. JACKIE MOON We do not suck, okay? We just have to want it! 37. Pumped, Jackie walks around with his hands on his hips. BEE BEE ELLIS What do you think, Monix? All eyes turn on the grumpy one. MONIX I think we suck. JACKIE MOON Well... See, now there's some team unity! Now let's load up the jet. REVEAL: A SHITTY SCHOOL BUS has the words 'THE JET!' Spray- painted in graffiti letters with a palm tree next to it. JACKIE MOON (as they load up) Now we've got a special treat. You know I take care of my family. Today, the Jet is catered. I had Downtown's Mom pack us some hot dish. BEE BEE ELLIS Ms. Quincy's hot dish? Sweet! INT. BUS - CONTINUOUS The guys load up. It's so packed it's ridiculous. Everyone tries to stuff their gear somewhere and sit down. Jackie carries a big pot of hot dish, accidentally burning Scootsie's back. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Ah, watch the hot dish, man. JACKIE MOON Sorry Scootsie. TWIGGY MUNSON Hey Jackie, there's some dude out there, wants to talk to you. POV: Out the window, we can see DUKES, the full court shot winner, holding his GIANT CHECK and looking into the bus. He's still shirtless, with a star-spangled headband. EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - MOMENTS LATER Jackie and Dukes are next to the bus, discussing the check. 38. DUKES I tried Jackie. They won't take it. They said it's 'symbolic.' JACKIE MOON What does symbolic mean? DUKES I don't know. But they said I need a real check. JACKIE MOON I don't know what your bank is talking about. That is a real check. I signed it myself. DUKES It's written in glitter, dude. Can't you just give me, like, a regular sized one? JACKIE MOON I don't get it. People are usually able to cash these. Maybe you should try another bank. (trying to wrap it up) If you run into any more trouble, let me know. DUKES Okay Jackie, thanks man. JACKIE MOON Any time, congratulations. Jackie turns away from Dukes and exhales, walking back to the bus. MUSIC CUE: 'SHORT PEOPLE' BY RANDY NEWMAN. EXT. THE HIGHWAY - DAY We're flying down the highway. INT. THE JET - DAY Kong, the small Asian player, is driving, singing along with Jackie to the radio... JACKIE MOON & KONG (singing Randy Newman) SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... 39. SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE Jackie reaches up into a special bin and takes out some beef jerky, then yells out the window. JACKIE (out the window at a car) YOU IN-THE-GREEN-CAR GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE... Pan back to see the whole team crammed into tiny seats. Vakidis has his knees pointing straight toward the ceiling. Twiggy Munson is reading '70's pornography. Clarence is sewing a new name onto his jersey. The rest of the guys are eating their hot dish. MONIX So, Clarence, what's in this 'hot dish' anyway? CLARENCE My Mom cooked your ass a whole Damn meal, why you gotta go asking what's in it? MONIX It's a compliment. It's good. CLARENCE If it's good, then it's good. Why do you gotta know what's in it? What's in hot dish? Hot dish is in hot dish, asshole. BEE BEE and SCOOTSIE look over the seat, facing them. BEE BEE ELLIS Hey Monix, what were the Celtics like? MONIX They were fast. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Fast? No one's faster than me. I should be on the Celtics. MONIX (pointing to his mind) Fast up here. 40. BEE BEE ELLIS You're supposed to be Mr. Smartball. Why'd you get bounced? MONIX Well, you have to be able to jump too. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Hey, let us see that ring again. MONIX Not right now, okay Twiggy? CLARENCE Isn't it a little embarrassing wearing that thing everyday? MONIX Embarrassing? CLARENCE You call yourself a Celtic? You sat through every single playoff game. You didn't see action once. And now you walk around wearing the ice like you're Bill Russel. Well you ain't. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, you're just jealous. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Yeah, Monix played solid minutes, for lots of teams. He's played in the NBA, that's more than you can say. CLARENCE Whatever. At least I never sat on the bench and then called myself a champion. You didn't do shit for that Celtic team. If I was Dave Cowens, I'd yank that ring right off your neck. That was a pretty heated exchange. Monix looks like he's got something to say, but he doesn't. Clarence has the last word. CLARENCE He doesn't wear it on his finger because he knows he didn't earn it. He didn't even play. 41. Monix looks out the window. EXT. ROAD GAME #1 - NIGHT 'The Jet' is parked outside the arena. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) We're just a few minutes away from game one of the Tropic's 6 game road trip. With talk of an NBA merger hitting the league, there's a new electricity surrounding tonight's game... INT. VISITOR'S LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT Jackie addresses his team before tip off. JACKIE MOON Alright. Now, a lot of people out there are writing us off. A lot people are saying things like 'Jackie Moon is an offensive liability.' They're saying 'Flint's turnovers led to sixty fast break points per game.' (Making this up) They're saying 'Bee Bee's retarded brother is so retarded that his eyes look too big,. Like a French Bulldog. BEE BEE ELLIS No one said that, man. JACKIE MOON (trying to motivate) Yes they did. And we're going to use it as motivation, okay? THIS IS OUR TIME! WE'RE GOING TO SHOOT MORE THAN WE'VE EVER SHOT BEFORE! NOW BRING IT IN! READY? ONE TWO THREE- EVERYONE LET'S GET TROPICAL! MONTAGE: FLINT PLAYS HARDER BUT THEY STILL SUCK. GAME 1) JACKIE MOON sprints across the floor tries to get two f eet planted in the lane. It's not even close, JACKIE HAS TAKEN A GUY DOWN HARD. The ref whistles a blocking foul. 42. JACKIE MOON OH, C'MON!? Where's the charge, Father Pat? FATHER PAT THE REF Both feet weren't planted. JACKIE MOON OH, SUCK MY COCK. I WILL MURDER YOUR FAMILY. FATHER PAT THE REF That's it, you're out. JACKIE MOON What!? What did I say? Jackie takes a ball and drop kicks it, PUNTING IT high up into the rafters. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: COLONELS 111 TROPICS 92. GAME 2) MONIX drives the lane, fast and smart -- A no-look pass hits Scootsie Double-Day in the shoulder. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY AH. MY COLLAR BONE! BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: SQUIRES 90 TROPICS 70. GAME 3) CLARENCE and BEE BEE jog back on Defense. CLARENCE I ain't guarding my guy anymore. BEE BEE ELLIS Why not? CLARENCE He's too'Damn sweaty, man. (re: his wet uniform) Look at me. BEE BEE ELLIS Gross. Well, I ain't guarding him. Monix notices this discussion. MONIX Quit talking and play defense! The sweaty guy backs in on Clarence, posting up top. 44. GAME 5) Jackie Moon plays great defense, rejecting a shot! Monix grabs the ball and dribbles on a fast break. Clarence trails, in perfect position... CLARENCE Right on! I'm open baby! Try a behind-the-back! Monix delivers a nice two handed bounce pass, but Clarence isn't ready for anything fundamentally sound -- The ball hits him in the nuts. CLARENCE Ah, shit. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: PIPERS 105 TROPICS 91. EXT. HOTEL STRIP - NIGHT Angle on a big hotel with fancy lights -- but then we pan to reveal: A shitty motel. The 'Jet' is parked at the cheap place. INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Two twin beds in a crap-box motel room. Monix has the phone to his ear, but it just keeps ringing. He'd leave a message for Lynn, but answering machines haven't been invented yet. He hangs up, looks in the mirror, and now takes his Championship ring necklace off. He looks at the ring in his hand... And shoves it into his duffle bag. CLARENCE (O.S.) I brought us some ice. Monix is startled. Clarence, his roommate for the night, enters. MONIX Ice? What for? CLARENCE I don't know, it's free. Clarence takes some ice, pops it in his mouth and starts crunching. CLARENCE Want some? 45. MONIX No thanks. Now BEE BEE enters, yet another player in the small room. BEE BEE ELLIS That Root Beer machine took my fucking change, man. White people are assholes. Monix ignores this. Laying back, he focuses on the TV: THE CELTICS are playing. Their trapping defense is a thing of beauty. Clarence walks over and flicks the channels, until he stops at 'Love American Style.' MONIX You turned off the Celtics? CLARENCE I don't watch people play basketball. They watch me. With that, Clarence pulls out a JOINT and lights it. MONIX (re: the marijuana) What the Hell is that? CLARENCE (as he inhales) It's a fucking Egg-McMuffin. Monix opens the window, clearing the pot smoke out of his face. JACKIE EXITS the bathroom, having just taken a shower. He's wearing a very small robe. This is now the fourth player who's sleeping in this tiny room. MONIX Why don't you shower in your room? JACKIE MOON My wife is using it. I'll be crashing with you guys tonight. (NOTICING) Ice? Awesome. (as he eats ice, re: TV) Love American Style? Turn it up. 46. Jackie doesn't say a word about the pot. Instead he keeps his eyes glued to the TV, then reaches for the joint and SMOKES IT. MONIX Jackie, have you ever even slept with your wife? JACKIE MOON (LYING) What? Are you kidding? Try, like, every weekend. She's so hot. MONIX Sounds like a great arrangement. JACKIE MOON You guys need to wake up. Quit living like it's the 1950's, man. Live it up. (showing off) Hey Clarence, let's have some of that smoke, bro. MONIX I'm pretty sure we have a game tomorrow. JACKIE MOON (as he inhales) This stuff won't affect you. It's premium. Jackie finishes inhaling, then holds it out for Monix. He stares at the joint, then around the room at his teammates. MONIX Well, if this is really going to be my life, I might as well be stoned like everyone else. JACKIE MOON Well said. Monix takes the stupid joint. The instant Monix inhales he COUGHS LIKE CRAZY. MONIX What the Hell is this? CLARENCE What do you mean? 47. MONIX It's harsh. CLARENCE Take that back. MONIX Take what back? JACKIE MOON His Mom grows it. CLARENCE Yeah, in the yard. MONIX Your Mom grew this? CLARENCE It's sweet grass. MONIX Well, I'm finished, thanks. CLARENCE What's wrong, my Mom's weed ain't good enough for you? MONIX I guess not. JACKIE MOON C'mon man, have some respect for his Mom's weed. CLARENCE That's it, I ain't sleeping in the same bed as this motherfucker. INT. AMIGO STADIUM - ROAD TRIP GAME 6 - NEXT NIGHT Television cameras are being set up. A camera man cleans the lens. Jackie studies the cameras, mesmerized by the idea of television. He speaks with the Amigo's manager. AMIGO MANAGER You want all the fans to sit on one side of the stadium? 48. JACKIE MOON Yeah, just move all those people over to this side. (DEMONSTRATING) See, the TV cameras are going to face this way, right? Well, if we fill the seats on that side, we'll look sold out. AMIGO MANAGER Actually, that's not a bad idea. MEANWHILE, ON THE COURT: Both teams are warming up. Clarence now has a new name on his Jersey. There are so many words, there is barely space for a number. It's a mess. CLARENCE (re: Jersey, new name) Check it out. I sewed it on the bus. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY (struggling to read it) What's it say? CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. The asshole, PETRELLI, wanders over near the Tropics side of the court. PETRELLI Yo, Granny Yarn Barn, how's the needle point going? CLARENCE Kiss my ass, Petrelli. PETRELLI (re: the Jersey name) Hey man, I think you spelled 'Flint sucks balls' wrong. (BEAT) This guy's the next Betsy Ross! Aren't you Clarence? The guys laugh. MONIX walks up, defending his teammate. MONIX No one calls him Clarence. His name IS-- (BEAT) What's your name? 49. CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. MONIX His name's Jumping Johnny Johnson. (nose to nose) You got that? Jackie hurries over. JACKIE MOON Alright, break it up. (to his team) Everyone huddle up!... VAKIDIS! OVER HERE. Where is he walking to? (BEAT) Fuck it. Listen up, we're on National TV tonight. And you all know what that means: The league needs a good clean game. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, that's a bunch of dog shit. JACKIE MOON Hey! You guys want to merge or not? Because the fastest way to screw this up is to start punching people in the face while the commissioner is at home, watching the game with his kids... Children are very impressionable. Their minds are not yet soiled by the cruel realities of this world. BEE BEE ELLIS What? JACKIE MOON No punching. Behind the huddle, FANS BEGIN WALKING RIGHT ACROSS THE COURT. Both teams turn to watch this strange thing. The Amigos manager leads the herd, Jackie helps out, directing them across to the other side. JACKIE MOON THAT'S RIGHT, JUST MOVE RIGHT ACROSS- IF YOU COULD JUST FILL IN ALL OF THOSE EMPTY SEATS IN THAT AREA, THAT'D BE GREAT. 50. INT. AMIGO'S STADIUM - LATER The optical illusion has worked. The game does indeed look crowded. The game is in full swing. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) This sold out crowd is loving this one, the Amigos up by twenty-six here in the second. Monix drains a nice jumper, but out of nowhere, Petrelli, the guy we hate, throws a hard shoulder, knocking Monix to the floor. MONIX That's a moving pick Father Pat! C'mon! FATHER PAT THE REF Play on. Monix can't believe it. Petrelli taunts Monix. PETRELLI What's wrong Monix, cat got your 'nads? Monix faces off. JACKIE MOON MONIX! NO! (POINTING) Not with the cameras. (miming the commish') He's watching. Monix looks around and thinks... MONIX What about commercials? JACKIE MOON What? MONIX Commercials, what about commercials? Jackie thinks about this, then nods 'good idea.' JACKIE MOON I like it. Time out Ref! 51. ANNOUNCER (V.0. ) A time out on the floor, 5:20 left before the half, the Amigos 45, the Tropics 19, we'll be right back after this message from Shasta. The camera's on air' red light turns off. CAMERA MAN (rooting them on) And... You're clear. JACKIE MOON SOMEBODY HIT SOMEBODY! BAM! MONIX CLOCKS PETRELLI. BAM! JACKIE MOON PUNCHES ANOTHER GUY. PETRELLI TAKES THE HIT AND TACKLES MONIX. BOTH BENCHES CLEAR. THE CROWD GOES NUTS. INT. THE COMMISSIONER'S HOUSE - MEANWHILE The commissioner relaxes at home with his two kids... A Shasta commercial is on TV. SHASTA COMMERCIAL (V.0.) (on TV) I want a pop... I want a -- Shasta... INT. AMIGO STADIUM - CONTINUOUS MAYHEM. JACKIE MOON IS YANKING A FAN'S HAIR. A TALL GUY IS ABOUT TO POUND SHORT LITTLE KONG. BUT NOW KONG JUMPS IN THE AIR AND DOES A SWEET ROUND-HOUSE JUDO KICK, KNOCKING THE TALL GUY TO THE FLOOR. KONG Hi-Ya! MEANWHILE: MONIX AND PETRELLI ARE TRADING HOCKEY PUNCHES... CAMERA MAN And we're back in -5- (Monix punches Petrelli) -4- (Petrelli punches Monix) -3- (Monix punches Petrelli) 52 -2- (Monix ducks and punches) (cuing the announcers) AND WE'RE ON. THE 'RED LIGHT' GLOWS. ON A DIME: EVERYONE STOPS PUNCHING, STANDS UP STRAIGHT AND SMILES. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) Welcome back to the ABA game of the week... Players hold their heads in pain. Others limp back to the bench. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) .The camaraderie and spirit of this league is on full display here tonight... Off camera, Monix delivers a secret punch to Patrelli's spleen. INT. LOCKER ROOM - HALF TIME Jackie runs the half time talk, standing in front of the chalk board. JACKIE MOON Okay, solid first half guys, but we're going to have to make some ADJ-- Monix interrupts Jackie, pissed. He addresses the team, stepping in front of Jackie Moon. MONIX --This is bullshit guys. They're kicking our ass in basketball and they're kicking our ass during the commercials, too. Does anybody here understand the concept of the pick and roll? Because they're going to keep double teaming at the top of the key until somebody rotates the Damn ball... JACKIE MOON Yeah! C'mon guys! Rotate the ball. Monix looks at this group and gets even madder. 53. MONIX Does anyone in this room have any pride? Don't you realize, this is thelast four weeks of basketball anyus are ever going to play?Is thishow we're really going togo out?You'd think we'd want toend ourcareers battling, hustling after every loose ball. Boxing out under the boards. Setting picks for our teammates. But we haven't done shit out there. Twiggy Munson and Scootsie Double-Day hang their heads. MONIX We're a bunch of selfish assholes -- And I've got news for you, we aren't going to finish in fourth, we're going to finish dead last. Monix paces in front of the guys, a man possessed. MONIX One day, you're going to look back on your life... And you're going to look back on this time... And you're going to realize... Monix is staring right at Clarence. And Clarence is actually listening... MONIX .You're going to realize you never even played basketball. A moment of silence after the intensity. Monix waddles to the door. MONIX Now, you guys have fun out there in the second half. If anyone needs me, I'll be in the training room, draining my knee. Monix limps off, everyone's head is hanging low. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY He's right. 54. BEE BEE ELLIS Of course he's right. But what the Hell are we supposed to do about it? We don't even have plays. INT. JACKIE MOON'S OFFICE - DAYS LATER We're back in Flint. Jackie is back in his office, speaking on the phone. JACKIE MOON (into phone) Dukes! | cue | How many times the word 'cue' appears in the text? | 3 |
without looking over... CLARENCE Not everyone sits around dreaming of playing in the NBA, you know. 25. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Maybe not. But you do. TWIGGY MUNSON Yeah, that's all you ever talk about. MONIX You're not jealous, are you Clarence? CLARENCE No one calls me Clarence. BEE BEE ELLIS His name's Downtown. MONIX Okay Downtown. I'll make sure Downtown is only referred to as Downtown, okay Downtown? CLARENCE Don't think I don't know what you're doing. You're doing that thing where you pretend to mean what you say, but you don't. BEE BEE ELLIS Sarcasm. CLARENCE Yeah. How'd you like that sarcasm smacked off your face? MONIX Bring it, funky stuff. BEE BEE ELLIS That's sarcasm, man. He's doing it again! CLARENCE (to Bee Bee) I got this, alright? Monix squares off with a smile that says 'hit me.' Clarence takes off his leather full length and folds it nicely. CLARENCE (in Monix's face) How'd you like a knuckle sandwich? 26. MONIX Knuckle sandwich? Who says that? CLARENCE I do motherfucker. I'm gonna pound you so hard, you're-- MONIX REARS HIS FIST BACK, about to release a strong Popeye HOOK-- CLARENCE WAIT! CLARENCE IMMEDIATELY SWITCHES GEARS, PUTTING HIS HANDS UP LIKE A SCARED LITTLE GIRL. CLARENCE (like a sissy) --WAIT! OKAY? COOL COOL COOL. CHILL OUT, MAN, ALRIGHT? WE'RE COOL-- BAM. MONIX PUNCHES CLARENCE IN THE STOMACH ANYWAY. BEE BEE ELLIS YESSS! I LIKE IT! IT'S OUR OWN TEAM, BUT I LIKE IT. One of the party people, a ball girl, GAYLE, interrupts. GAYLE Excuse me boys. You mind, if I borrow your friend for a minute? INT. DANCE FLOOR - MEANWHILE Jackie is dancing to his own song, still wearing the ice packs on his knees. The song ends and A DIFFERENT ONE STARTS. JACKIE MOON (looking to the DJ) Hold on a second. MELINDA What's wrong? JACKIE MOON Where's the boogie? Jackie fights his way through the crowd to the DJ booth. JACKIE MOON (to DJ, over music) HEY! WHERE'S THE BOOGIE? 27. DJ I ALREADY PLAYED YOUR SONG FOUR TIMES. JACKIE MOON GET UP. DJ NO. YOU CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS, JACKIE. I'M THE DJ. JACKIE MOON (taking over as DJ) NOT ANY MORE. YOU'RE ON SNACK PATROL. SCREECH -- The music stops. JACKIE MOON (into the mic) The year was 1973. A young musician named Jackie Moon, finishes years of musical training, only to find he is a slave to the notes on the page. He knows it's time to break free. In a sudden fit of creative mastery, he grabs a pen and a napkin and writes a song that breaks all the rules. Ladies and gentleman... Let's get sweaty. MUSIC CUE: Jackie's song. Everyone goes crazy. JACKIE MOON (V.0.) (studio version) Baby, who wants to; love me sexy. baby, are you ready to; lick me sexy. Take off your shoes and; suck me sexy. Baby, we're naked and we're; humping sexy-- INT. DAIQUIRI ROOM - NIGHT Gayle and Monix walk upstairs into the 'coolest' room ever. Carpet on the ceiling, a plaid couch, a fish tank, a water bed, mirrors, etc. GAYLE I'm glad they traded for you, I got myself a cute one. MONIX So, this is the Daiquiri room? 28. LUCY MOON (O.S. ) That's right. REVEAL: LUCY MOON, Jackie's wife, is on the couch. She's the hottest girl in the world. LUCY MOON What do you think, Gayle? Does he like it with my boots on, or does he like my boots off? GAYLE He seems like a boots on kind of guy. LUCY MOON Then it looks like I'm ready. As soon as you slide these shorts off of me. MONIX Aren't you Jackie's wife? LUCY MOON He knows about the Daiquiri room. GAYLE It's a new tradition we're starting, when new players join. MONIX I see. Well, I'm going to have to pass. I'm good, thanks. LUCY MOON Honey, you don't know what good is. With that, Lucy flicks on the stereo-- MUSIC CUE: THE BAR KEYS 'TOO HOT TO STOP.' MONIX Listen um... (i.e. what's your name?) GAYLE My name is 'no strings attached.' LUCY MOON You can call me Mrs. Moon. Gayle and Lucy perform a funky/seductive dance, moving closer and closer to Monix. 29. MONIX I don't think this is going to happen, Mrs. Moon. LUCY MOON It has to. GAYLE It's bad luck if you don't. MONIX Yeah, I'd hate to bring bad luck to Flint Michigan. Lucy has sprayed some WHIP CREAM on her nipples. LUCY MOON (whip cream) Why don't you lick these clean for me? MONIX I can't eat dairy. Lucy decides that now is a good time to aggressively KISS him. Monix pushes her away. MONIX Nice tits, Mrs. Moon. I gotta go. Monix walks down the stairs. LUCY MOON (calling after him) I see what this is: You want us to send Eric and Marcus up here? On the way out, Monix flicks her off. INT. LYNN'S HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT Lynn is asleep next to Kyle. She awakes to someone pounding on the door. EXT. LYNN'S FRONT YARD - NIGHT Lynn has arrived at the screen door. Monix, wasted, doesn't notice Lynn yet, he keeps pounding until she opens it. LYNN Why are you here? 30. MONIX I got traded. LYNN I mean, why are you here? MONIX Can we talk? KYLE (O.S.) --Yo, Monix, you're wasted! Ha! Kyle has come out to say hi. MONIX Yeah. Sorry man-- KYLE What's up! That of jump shot of yours ain't broke yet, is it? MONIX No. Ha. KYLE Great back door cut for the lay-up in the third. That's how basketball should be played. MONIX Kyle, can you give us a second? We need to talk. KYLE No problem. Great game tonight man. MONIX Why does your boyfriend like me so much? LYNN You're his favorite player. MONIX Look, there are still some things I think we need to talk about. LYNN I've already said everything I'm ever going to say to you. 31. MONIX I see. (BEAT) Well, I guess I'll be leaving then. Monix walks away... Then turns back. MONIX You're really not going to stop me? LYNN No. Monix walks more, until Lynn speaks. LYNN You're going to end up walking with a cane the rest of your life. You have to quit. MONIX And do what? LYNN I don't know... Kill yourself, I guess. MONIX Kill myself? LYNN You act like there's nothing else in the world besides basketball. If that's how you really feel, then go ahead and get it over with. I'm going to sleep. MONIX Thanks for the pep. talk. LYNN No problem. MONIX Lynn. (she opens the door again) Can I ask you for one favor? LYNN You want a favor? MONIX My knee. 32. LYNN Oh, Jesus Christ Monix. It's 4 a.m. Lynn stares at him in disbelief. Monix shrugs. MONIX No one here can drain it right. LYNN Fine. Monix nods, then makes a move toward the door. LYNN No. You're not coming in. We'll do it in the yard. DISSOLVE TO: INT. JACKIE'S MONTE CARLO - DAYS LATER Jackie drives in his car, practicing for the meeting. tries to build some confidence. JACKIE MOON (into the rear view, very CIVILIZED) Well, hello Commissioner -- Why sure, I would love one of your Puerto Rican cigars -- Oh, I know I'm a legitimate owner, you don't have to tell me that -- We're merging with the NBA? Oh, that's nice -- Ha Ha Ha! Good one, Commish ... EXT. INDIANAPOLIS - CONTINUOUS A brick building on the outskirts of Indianapolis. A sign says. WELCOME ABA OWNERS. Jackie pulls into the lot and parks. He looks in the mirror one last time. JACKIE MOON Your Mom would be proud of you today. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS Not-quite-Rich guys surround a large oak table. JACKIE is by far the youngest of the owners. 33. COMMISH .I'm sure each of you have heard the rumors. And I'm here to tell you, the rumors are true. The ABA will be merging with the NBA at the end of this season. JACKIE MOON YES!!! (to an old guy) GIVE ME TEN, NORTON! YES!! (fists to the ceiling) EVERYONE CAN EAT SHIT! I AM THE GREATEST MAN IN THE WORLD! COMMISH Our league is sold. And the NBA agreed to all of our financial demands! Now Jackie turns inward, more quietly intense. This is, without question, the greatest moment of his life. JACKIE MOON (to himself) You're a real owner. You're in the NBA. COMMISH Four of our teams will be absorbed into the NBA family, the rest of you will terminate operations. JACKIE MOON Exactly! You know it! (now hearing) I'm sorry, wait, what? COMMISH The Nuggets, The Nets, The Spurs and the Pacers will play in the NBA next year. The rest of us will dissolve. JACKIE MOON Dissolve? Dissolve, like, how? How do I dissolve into the NBA? The winning owners look at each other, not sure how to handle Jackie. JACKIE MOON What's happening? 34. COMMISH I'm sorry Jackie. We all know how. emotional you get. We waited until the very last second to tell you. Jackie pounds the table. JACKIE MOON No. NO! NO!!! He kicks over his chair... THE COMMISH We know you're upset, Jackie. But you'll be very well compensated. LOSING OWNER #1 Everyone's agreed to a very large sum. JACKIE MOON I don't want a sum! I want my team! (to the losing owners) C'mon you guys, you're not going to just sit here and take the money, are you? They are. JACKIE MOON (to winning owners) What do the Spurs have that we don't? THE COMMISH A huge fan base. A brand new stadium. A solid economic growth package, including strong tax incentives. JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon, that's BULLSHIT! COMMISH The NBA is taking four teams, Jackie, there's nothing I can do. Jackie goes quiet, thinking... An epic idea hits him. JACKIE MOON The best four teams should go. 35. COMMISH What? JACKIE MOON Forget the huge fan base, the stadiums, the economic... (a little lost) Growing... package... inventions... WINNING OWNER #1 (correcting him) Economic growth pack-- JACKIE MOON I KNOW WHAT I SAID! (to the room) The four teams with the best records should merge. LOSING OWNER #2 He's right. LOSING OWNER #1 Yeah, that's the fairest way. COMMISH These four teams DO have the best records. Flint's only won six games all year! JACKIE MOON So far. The season isn't over. LOSING OWNER #2 Yeah, maybe we should finish the season first. COMMISH This plan sounds like a lot of fun, but it's too late. The commissioner, me, has already decided. LOSING OWNER #2 Actually, the terms of a merger can only be approved by a league mandate. JACKIE MOON YES. That's right. What he said. 36. LOSING OWNER #1 I move that we vote on the terms of the merger. EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NEXT DAY The team sits around the parking lot, sitting on their duffle bags, dejected. Jackie is having a team meeting. JACKIE MOON C'mon you guys, let's try to stay psyched. This is a chance to become a real NBA franchise! CLARENCE There's no way we can make it to fourth place. It's mathematically impossible. JACKIE MOON I ran the numbers. All we have to do is win about eighty-two percent of our remaining games. CLARENCE Eighty-two percent? Isn't that a lot? JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon! We just gotta start hitting our threes. (guys look around, unsure) Listen, I know this seems like bad news, but it doesn't have to be. This is a big road trip for us. We've just got to start playing solid Flint basketball. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY I don't know. We suck, man. JACKIE SLAPS SCOOTSIE. JACKIE MOON (re: The slap) Sorry. JACKIE SLAPS HIM AGAIN, HARDER. JACKIE MOON We do not suck, okay? We just have to want it! 37. Pumped, Jackie walks around with his hands on his hips. BEE BEE ELLIS What do you think, Monix? All eyes turn on the grumpy one. MONIX I think we suck. JACKIE MOON Well... See, now there's some team unity! Now let's load up the jet. REVEAL: A SHITTY SCHOOL BUS has the words 'THE JET!' Spray- painted in graffiti letters with a palm tree next to it. JACKIE MOON (as they load up) Now we've got a special treat. You know I take care of my family. Today, the Jet is catered. I had Downtown's Mom pack us some hot dish. BEE BEE ELLIS Ms. Quincy's hot dish? Sweet! INT. BUS - CONTINUOUS The guys load up. It's so packed it's ridiculous. Everyone tries to stuff their gear somewhere and sit down. Jackie carries a big pot of hot dish, accidentally burning Scootsie's back. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Ah, watch the hot dish, man. JACKIE MOON Sorry Scootsie. TWIGGY MUNSON Hey Jackie, there's some dude out there, wants to talk to you. POV: Out the window, we can see DUKES, the full court shot winner, holding his GIANT CHECK and looking into the bus. He's still shirtless, with a star-spangled headband. EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - MOMENTS LATER Jackie and Dukes are next to the bus, discussing the check. 38. DUKES I tried Jackie. They won't take it. They said it's 'symbolic.' JACKIE MOON What does symbolic mean? DUKES I don't know. But they said I need a real check. JACKIE MOON I don't know what your bank is talking about. That is a real check. I signed it myself. DUKES It's written in glitter, dude. Can't you just give me, like, a regular sized one? JACKIE MOON I don't get it. People are usually able to cash these. Maybe you should try another bank. (trying to wrap it up) If you run into any more trouble, let me know. DUKES Okay Jackie, thanks man. JACKIE MOON Any time, congratulations. Jackie turns away from Dukes and exhales, walking back to the bus. MUSIC CUE: 'SHORT PEOPLE' BY RANDY NEWMAN. EXT. THE HIGHWAY - DAY We're flying down the highway. INT. THE JET - DAY Kong, the small Asian player, is driving, singing along with Jackie to the radio... JACKIE MOON & KONG (singing Randy Newman) SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... 39. SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE Jackie reaches up into a special bin and takes out some beef jerky, then yells out the window. JACKIE (out the window at a car) YOU IN-THE-GREEN-CAR GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE... Pan back to see the whole team crammed into tiny seats. Vakidis has his knees pointing straight toward the ceiling. Twiggy Munson is reading '70's pornography. Clarence is sewing a new name onto his jersey. The rest of the guys are eating their hot dish. MONIX So, Clarence, what's in this 'hot dish' anyway? CLARENCE My Mom cooked your ass a whole Damn meal, why you gotta go asking what's in it? MONIX It's a compliment. It's good. CLARENCE If it's good, then it's good. Why do you gotta know what's in it? What's in hot dish? Hot dish is in hot dish, asshole. BEE BEE and SCOOTSIE look over the seat, facing them. BEE BEE ELLIS Hey Monix, what were the Celtics like? MONIX They were fast. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Fast? No one's faster than me. I should be on the Celtics. MONIX (pointing to his mind) Fast up here. 40. BEE BEE ELLIS You're supposed to be Mr. Smartball. Why'd you get bounced? MONIX Well, you have to be able to jump too. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Hey, let us see that ring again. MONIX Not right now, okay Twiggy? CLARENCE Isn't it a little embarrassing wearing that thing everyday? MONIX Embarrassing? CLARENCE You call yourself a Celtic? You sat through every single playoff game. You didn't see action once. And now you walk around wearing the ice like you're Bill Russel. Well you ain't. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, you're just jealous. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Yeah, Monix played solid minutes, for lots of teams. He's played in the NBA, that's more than you can say. CLARENCE Whatever. At least I never sat on the bench and then called myself a champion. You didn't do shit for that Celtic team. If I was Dave Cowens, I'd yank that ring right off your neck. That was a pretty heated exchange. Monix looks like he's got something to say, but he doesn't. Clarence has the last word. CLARENCE He doesn't wear it on his finger because he knows he didn't earn it. He didn't even play. 41. Monix looks out the window. EXT. ROAD GAME #1 - NIGHT 'The Jet' is parked outside the arena. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) We're just a few minutes away from game one of the Tropic's 6 game road trip. With talk of an NBA merger hitting the league, there's a new electricity surrounding tonight's game... INT. VISITOR'S LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT Jackie addresses his team before tip off. JACKIE MOON Alright. Now, a lot of people out there are writing us off. A lot people are saying things like 'Jackie Moon is an offensive liability.' They're saying 'Flint's turnovers led to sixty fast break points per game.' (Making this up) They're saying 'Bee Bee's retarded brother is so retarded that his eyes look too big,. Like a French Bulldog. BEE BEE ELLIS No one said that, man. JACKIE MOON (trying to motivate) Yes they did. And we're going to use it as motivation, okay? THIS IS OUR TIME! WE'RE GOING TO SHOOT MORE THAN WE'VE EVER SHOT BEFORE! NOW BRING IT IN! READY? ONE TWO THREE- EVERYONE LET'S GET TROPICAL! MONTAGE: FLINT PLAYS HARDER BUT THEY STILL SUCK. GAME 1) JACKIE MOON sprints across the floor tries to get two f eet planted in the lane. It's not even close, JACKIE HAS TAKEN A GUY DOWN HARD. The ref whistles a blocking foul. 42. JACKIE MOON OH, C'MON!? Where's the charge, Father Pat? FATHER PAT THE REF Both feet weren't planted. JACKIE MOON OH, SUCK MY COCK. I WILL MURDER YOUR FAMILY. FATHER PAT THE REF That's it, you're out. JACKIE MOON What!? What did I say? Jackie takes a ball and drop kicks it, PUNTING IT high up into the rafters. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: COLONELS 111 TROPICS 92. GAME 2) MONIX drives the lane, fast and smart -- A no-look pass hits Scootsie Double-Day in the shoulder. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY AH. MY COLLAR BONE! BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: SQUIRES 90 TROPICS 70. GAME 3) CLARENCE and BEE BEE jog back on Defense. CLARENCE I ain't guarding my guy anymore. BEE BEE ELLIS Why not? CLARENCE He's too'Damn sweaty, man. (re: his wet uniform) Look at me. BEE BEE ELLIS Gross. Well, I ain't guarding him. Monix notices this discussion. MONIX Quit talking and play defense! The sweaty guy backs in on Clarence, posting up top. 44. GAME 5) Jackie Moon plays great defense, rejecting a shot! Monix grabs the ball and dribbles on a fast break. Clarence trails, in perfect position... CLARENCE Right on! I'm open baby! Try a behind-the-back! Monix delivers a nice two handed bounce pass, but Clarence isn't ready for anything fundamentally sound -- The ball hits him in the nuts. CLARENCE Ah, shit. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: PIPERS 105 TROPICS 91. EXT. HOTEL STRIP - NIGHT Angle on a big hotel with fancy lights -- but then we pan to reveal: A shitty motel. The 'Jet' is parked at the cheap place. INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Two twin beds in a crap-box motel room. Monix has the phone to his ear, but it just keeps ringing. He'd leave a message for Lynn, but answering machines haven't been invented yet. He hangs up, looks in the mirror, and now takes his Championship ring necklace off. He looks at the ring in his hand... And shoves it into his duffle bag. CLARENCE (O.S.) I brought us some ice. Monix is startled. Clarence, his roommate for the night, enters. MONIX Ice? What for? CLARENCE I don't know, it's free. Clarence takes some ice, pops it in his mouth and starts crunching. CLARENCE Want some? 45. MONIX No thanks. Now BEE BEE enters, yet another player in the small room. BEE BEE ELLIS That Root Beer machine took my fucking change, man. White people are assholes. Monix ignores this. Laying back, he focuses on the TV: THE CELTICS are playing. Their trapping defense is a thing of beauty. Clarence walks over and flicks the channels, until he stops at 'Love American Style.' MONIX You turned off the Celtics? CLARENCE I don't watch people play basketball. They watch me. With that, Clarence pulls out a JOINT and lights it. MONIX (re: the marijuana) What the Hell is that? CLARENCE (as he inhales) It's a fucking Egg-McMuffin. Monix opens the window, clearing the pot smoke out of his face. JACKIE EXITS the bathroom, having just taken a shower. He's wearing a very small robe. This is now the fourth player who's sleeping in this tiny room. MONIX Why don't you shower in your room? JACKIE MOON My wife is using it. I'll be crashing with you guys tonight. (NOTICING) Ice? Awesome. (as he eats ice, re: TV) Love American Style? Turn it up. 46. Jackie doesn't say a word about the pot. Instead he keeps his eyes glued to the TV, then reaches for the joint and SMOKES IT. MONIX Jackie, have you ever even slept with your wife? JACKIE MOON (LYING) What? Are you kidding? Try, like, every weekend. She's so hot. MONIX Sounds like a great arrangement. JACKIE MOON You guys need to wake up. Quit living like it's the 1950's, man. Live it up. (showing off) Hey Clarence, let's have some of that smoke, bro. MONIX I'm pretty sure we have a game tomorrow. JACKIE MOON (as he inhales) This stuff won't affect you. It's premium. Jackie finishes inhaling, then holds it out for Monix. He stares at the joint, then around the room at his teammates. MONIX Well, if this is really going to be my life, I might as well be stoned like everyone else. JACKIE MOON Well said. Monix takes the stupid joint. The instant Monix inhales he COUGHS LIKE CRAZY. MONIX What the Hell is this? CLARENCE What do you mean? 47. MONIX It's harsh. CLARENCE Take that back. MONIX Take what back? JACKIE MOON His Mom grows it. CLARENCE Yeah, in the yard. MONIX Your Mom grew this? CLARENCE It's sweet grass. MONIX Well, I'm finished, thanks. CLARENCE What's wrong, my Mom's weed ain't good enough for you? MONIX I guess not. JACKIE MOON C'mon man, have some respect for his Mom's weed. CLARENCE That's it, I ain't sleeping in the same bed as this motherfucker. INT. AMIGO STADIUM - ROAD TRIP GAME 6 - NEXT NIGHT Television cameras are being set up. A camera man cleans the lens. Jackie studies the cameras, mesmerized by the idea of television. He speaks with the Amigo's manager. AMIGO MANAGER You want all the fans to sit on one side of the stadium? 48. JACKIE MOON Yeah, just move all those people over to this side. (DEMONSTRATING) See, the TV cameras are going to face this way, right? Well, if we fill the seats on that side, we'll look sold out. AMIGO MANAGER Actually, that's not a bad idea. MEANWHILE, ON THE COURT: Both teams are warming up. Clarence now has a new name on his Jersey. There are so many words, there is barely space for a number. It's a mess. CLARENCE (re: Jersey, new name) Check it out. I sewed it on the bus. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY (struggling to read it) What's it say? CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. The asshole, PETRELLI, wanders over near the Tropics side of the court. PETRELLI Yo, Granny Yarn Barn, how's the needle point going? CLARENCE Kiss my ass, Petrelli. PETRELLI (re: the Jersey name) Hey man, I think you spelled 'Flint sucks balls' wrong. (BEAT) This guy's the next Betsy Ross! Aren't you Clarence? The guys laugh. MONIX walks up, defending his teammate. MONIX No one calls him Clarence. His name IS-- (BEAT) What's your name? 49. CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. MONIX His name's Jumping Johnny Johnson. (nose to nose) You got that? Jackie hurries over. JACKIE MOON Alright, break it up. (to his team) Everyone huddle up!... VAKIDIS! OVER HERE. Where is he walking to? (BEAT) Fuck it. Listen up, we're on National TV tonight. And you all know what that means: The league needs a good clean game. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, that's a bunch of dog shit. JACKIE MOON Hey! You guys want to merge or not? Because the fastest way to screw this up is to start punching people in the face while the commissioner is at home, watching the game with his kids... Children are very impressionable. Their minds are not yet soiled by the cruel realities of this world. BEE BEE ELLIS What? JACKIE MOON No punching. Behind the huddle, FANS BEGIN WALKING RIGHT ACROSS THE COURT. Both teams turn to watch this strange thing. The Amigos manager leads the herd, Jackie helps out, directing them across to the other side. JACKIE MOON THAT'S RIGHT, JUST MOVE RIGHT ACROSS- IF YOU COULD JUST FILL IN ALL OF THOSE EMPTY SEATS IN THAT AREA, THAT'D BE GREAT. 50. INT. AMIGO'S STADIUM - LATER The optical illusion has worked. The game does indeed look crowded. The game is in full swing. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) This sold out crowd is loving this one, the Amigos up by twenty-six here in the second. Monix drains a nice jumper, but out of nowhere, Petrelli, the guy we hate, throws a hard shoulder, knocking Monix to the floor. MONIX That's a moving pick Father Pat! C'mon! FATHER PAT THE REF Play on. Monix can't believe it. Petrelli taunts Monix. PETRELLI What's wrong Monix, cat got your 'nads? Monix faces off. JACKIE MOON MONIX! NO! (POINTING) Not with the cameras. (miming the commish') He's watching. Monix looks around and thinks... MONIX What about commercials? JACKIE MOON What? MONIX Commercials, what about commercials? Jackie thinks about this, then nods 'good idea.' JACKIE MOON I like it. Time out Ref! 51. ANNOUNCER (V.0. ) A time out on the floor, 5:20 left before the half, the Amigos 45, the Tropics 19, we'll be right back after this message from Shasta. The camera's on air' red light turns off. CAMERA MAN (rooting them on) And... You're clear. JACKIE MOON SOMEBODY HIT SOMEBODY! BAM! MONIX CLOCKS PETRELLI. BAM! JACKIE MOON PUNCHES ANOTHER GUY. PETRELLI TAKES THE HIT AND TACKLES MONIX. BOTH BENCHES CLEAR. THE CROWD GOES NUTS. INT. THE COMMISSIONER'S HOUSE - MEANWHILE The commissioner relaxes at home with his two kids... A Shasta commercial is on TV. SHASTA COMMERCIAL (V.0.) (on TV) I want a pop... I want a -- Shasta... INT. AMIGO STADIUM - CONTINUOUS MAYHEM. JACKIE MOON IS YANKING A FAN'S HAIR. A TALL GUY IS ABOUT TO POUND SHORT LITTLE KONG. BUT NOW KONG JUMPS IN THE AIR AND DOES A SWEET ROUND-HOUSE JUDO KICK, KNOCKING THE TALL GUY TO THE FLOOR. KONG Hi-Ya! MEANWHILE: MONIX AND PETRELLI ARE TRADING HOCKEY PUNCHES... CAMERA MAN And we're back in -5- (Monix punches Petrelli) -4- (Petrelli punches Monix) -3- (Monix punches Petrelli) 52 -2- (Monix ducks and punches) (cuing the announcers) AND WE'RE ON. THE 'RED LIGHT' GLOWS. ON A DIME: EVERYONE STOPS PUNCHING, STANDS UP STRAIGHT AND SMILES. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) Welcome back to the ABA game of the week... Players hold their heads in pain. Others limp back to the bench. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) .The camaraderie and spirit of this league is on full display here tonight... Off camera, Monix delivers a secret punch to Patrelli's spleen. INT. LOCKER ROOM - HALF TIME Jackie runs the half time talk, standing in front of the chalk board. JACKIE MOON Okay, solid first half guys, but we're going to have to make some ADJ-- Monix interrupts Jackie, pissed. He addresses the team, stepping in front of Jackie Moon. MONIX --This is bullshit guys. They're kicking our ass in basketball and they're kicking our ass during the commercials, too. Does anybody here understand the concept of the pick and roll? Because they're going to keep double teaming at the top of the key until somebody rotates the Damn ball... JACKIE MOON Yeah! C'mon guys! Rotate the ball. Monix looks at this group and gets even madder. 53. MONIX Does anyone in this room have any pride? Don't you realize, this is thelast four weeks of basketball anyus are ever going to play?Is thishow we're really going togo out?You'd think we'd want toend ourcareers battling, hustling after every loose ball. Boxing out under the boards. Setting picks for our teammates. But we haven't done shit out there. Twiggy Munson and Scootsie Double-Day hang their heads. MONIX We're a bunch of selfish assholes -- And I've got news for you, we aren't going to finish in fourth, we're going to finish dead last. Monix paces in front of the guys, a man possessed. MONIX One day, you're going to look back on your life... And you're going to look back on this time... And you're going to realize... Monix is staring right at Clarence. And Clarence is actually listening... MONIX .You're going to realize you never even played basketball. A moment of silence after the intensity. Monix waddles to the door. MONIX Now, you guys have fun out there in the second half. If anyone needs me, I'll be in the training room, draining my knee. Monix limps off, everyone's head is hanging low. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY He's right. 54. BEE BEE ELLIS Of course he's right. But what the Hell are we supposed to do about it? We don't even have plays. INT. JACKIE MOON'S OFFICE - DAYS LATER We're back in Flint. Jackie is back in his office, speaking on the phone. JACKIE MOON (into phone) Dukes! | pen | How many times the word 'pen' appears in the text? | 1 |
without looking over... CLARENCE Not everyone sits around dreaming of playing in the NBA, you know. 25. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Maybe not. But you do. TWIGGY MUNSON Yeah, that's all you ever talk about. MONIX You're not jealous, are you Clarence? CLARENCE No one calls me Clarence. BEE BEE ELLIS His name's Downtown. MONIX Okay Downtown. I'll make sure Downtown is only referred to as Downtown, okay Downtown? CLARENCE Don't think I don't know what you're doing. You're doing that thing where you pretend to mean what you say, but you don't. BEE BEE ELLIS Sarcasm. CLARENCE Yeah. How'd you like that sarcasm smacked off your face? MONIX Bring it, funky stuff. BEE BEE ELLIS That's sarcasm, man. He's doing it again! CLARENCE (to Bee Bee) I got this, alright? Monix squares off with a smile that says 'hit me.' Clarence takes off his leather full length and folds it nicely. CLARENCE (in Monix's face) How'd you like a knuckle sandwich? 26. MONIX Knuckle sandwich? Who says that? CLARENCE I do motherfucker. I'm gonna pound you so hard, you're-- MONIX REARS HIS FIST BACK, about to release a strong Popeye HOOK-- CLARENCE WAIT! CLARENCE IMMEDIATELY SWITCHES GEARS, PUTTING HIS HANDS UP LIKE A SCARED LITTLE GIRL. CLARENCE (like a sissy) --WAIT! OKAY? COOL COOL COOL. CHILL OUT, MAN, ALRIGHT? WE'RE COOL-- BAM. MONIX PUNCHES CLARENCE IN THE STOMACH ANYWAY. BEE BEE ELLIS YESSS! I LIKE IT! IT'S OUR OWN TEAM, BUT I LIKE IT. One of the party people, a ball girl, GAYLE, interrupts. GAYLE Excuse me boys. You mind, if I borrow your friend for a minute? INT. DANCE FLOOR - MEANWHILE Jackie is dancing to his own song, still wearing the ice packs on his knees. The song ends and A DIFFERENT ONE STARTS. JACKIE MOON (looking to the DJ) Hold on a second. MELINDA What's wrong? JACKIE MOON Where's the boogie? Jackie fights his way through the crowd to the DJ booth. JACKIE MOON (to DJ, over music) HEY! WHERE'S THE BOOGIE? 27. DJ I ALREADY PLAYED YOUR SONG FOUR TIMES. JACKIE MOON GET UP. DJ NO. YOU CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS, JACKIE. I'M THE DJ. JACKIE MOON (taking over as DJ) NOT ANY MORE. YOU'RE ON SNACK PATROL. SCREECH -- The music stops. JACKIE MOON (into the mic) The year was 1973. A young musician named Jackie Moon, finishes years of musical training, only to find he is a slave to the notes on the page. He knows it's time to break free. In a sudden fit of creative mastery, he grabs a pen and a napkin and writes a song that breaks all the rules. Ladies and gentleman... Let's get sweaty. MUSIC CUE: Jackie's song. Everyone goes crazy. JACKIE MOON (V.0.) (studio version) Baby, who wants to; love me sexy. baby, are you ready to; lick me sexy. Take off your shoes and; suck me sexy. Baby, we're naked and we're; humping sexy-- INT. DAIQUIRI ROOM - NIGHT Gayle and Monix walk upstairs into the 'coolest' room ever. Carpet on the ceiling, a plaid couch, a fish tank, a water bed, mirrors, etc. GAYLE I'm glad they traded for you, I got myself a cute one. MONIX So, this is the Daiquiri room? 28. LUCY MOON (O.S. ) That's right. REVEAL: LUCY MOON, Jackie's wife, is on the couch. She's the hottest girl in the world. LUCY MOON What do you think, Gayle? Does he like it with my boots on, or does he like my boots off? GAYLE He seems like a boots on kind of guy. LUCY MOON Then it looks like I'm ready. As soon as you slide these shorts off of me. MONIX Aren't you Jackie's wife? LUCY MOON He knows about the Daiquiri room. GAYLE It's a new tradition we're starting, when new players join. MONIX I see. Well, I'm going to have to pass. I'm good, thanks. LUCY MOON Honey, you don't know what good is. With that, Lucy flicks on the stereo-- MUSIC CUE: THE BAR KEYS 'TOO HOT TO STOP.' MONIX Listen um... (i.e. what's your name?) GAYLE My name is 'no strings attached.' LUCY MOON You can call me Mrs. Moon. Gayle and Lucy perform a funky/seductive dance, moving closer and closer to Monix. 29. MONIX I don't think this is going to happen, Mrs. Moon. LUCY MOON It has to. GAYLE It's bad luck if you don't. MONIX Yeah, I'd hate to bring bad luck to Flint Michigan. Lucy has sprayed some WHIP CREAM on her nipples. LUCY MOON (whip cream) Why don't you lick these clean for me? MONIX I can't eat dairy. Lucy decides that now is a good time to aggressively KISS him. Monix pushes her away. MONIX Nice tits, Mrs. Moon. I gotta go. Monix walks down the stairs. LUCY MOON (calling after him) I see what this is: You want us to send Eric and Marcus up here? On the way out, Monix flicks her off. INT. LYNN'S HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT Lynn is asleep next to Kyle. She awakes to someone pounding on the door. EXT. LYNN'S FRONT YARD - NIGHT Lynn has arrived at the screen door. Monix, wasted, doesn't notice Lynn yet, he keeps pounding until she opens it. LYNN Why are you here? 30. MONIX I got traded. LYNN I mean, why are you here? MONIX Can we talk? KYLE (O.S.) --Yo, Monix, you're wasted! Ha! Kyle has come out to say hi. MONIX Yeah. Sorry man-- KYLE What's up! That of jump shot of yours ain't broke yet, is it? MONIX No. Ha. KYLE Great back door cut for the lay-up in the third. That's how basketball should be played. MONIX Kyle, can you give us a second? We need to talk. KYLE No problem. Great game tonight man. MONIX Why does your boyfriend like me so much? LYNN You're his favorite player. MONIX Look, there are still some things I think we need to talk about. LYNN I've already said everything I'm ever going to say to you. 31. MONIX I see. (BEAT) Well, I guess I'll be leaving then. Monix walks away... Then turns back. MONIX You're really not going to stop me? LYNN No. Monix walks more, until Lynn speaks. LYNN You're going to end up walking with a cane the rest of your life. You have to quit. MONIX And do what? LYNN I don't know... Kill yourself, I guess. MONIX Kill myself? LYNN You act like there's nothing else in the world besides basketball. If that's how you really feel, then go ahead and get it over with. I'm going to sleep. MONIX Thanks for the pep. talk. LYNN No problem. MONIX Lynn. (she opens the door again) Can I ask you for one favor? LYNN You want a favor? MONIX My knee. 32. LYNN Oh, Jesus Christ Monix. It's 4 a.m. Lynn stares at him in disbelief. Monix shrugs. MONIX No one here can drain it right. LYNN Fine. Monix nods, then makes a move toward the door. LYNN No. You're not coming in. We'll do it in the yard. DISSOLVE TO: INT. JACKIE'S MONTE CARLO - DAYS LATER Jackie drives in his car, practicing for the meeting. tries to build some confidence. JACKIE MOON (into the rear view, very CIVILIZED) Well, hello Commissioner -- Why sure, I would love one of your Puerto Rican cigars -- Oh, I know I'm a legitimate owner, you don't have to tell me that -- We're merging with the NBA? Oh, that's nice -- Ha Ha Ha! Good one, Commish ... EXT. INDIANAPOLIS - CONTINUOUS A brick building on the outskirts of Indianapolis. A sign says. WELCOME ABA OWNERS. Jackie pulls into the lot and parks. He looks in the mirror one last time. JACKIE MOON Your Mom would be proud of you today. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS Not-quite-Rich guys surround a large oak table. JACKIE is by far the youngest of the owners. 33. COMMISH .I'm sure each of you have heard the rumors. And I'm here to tell you, the rumors are true. The ABA will be merging with the NBA at the end of this season. JACKIE MOON YES!!! (to an old guy) GIVE ME TEN, NORTON! YES!! (fists to the ceiling) EVERYONE CAN EAT SHIT! I AM THE GREATEST MAN IN THE WORLD! COMMISH Our league is sold. And the NBA agreed to all of our financial demands! Now Jackie turns inward, more quietly intense. This is, without question, the greatest moment of his life. JACKIE MOON (to himself) You're a real owner. You're in the NBA. COMMISH Four of our teams will be absorbed into the NBA family, the rest of you will terminate operations. JACKIE MOON Exactly! You know it! (now hearing) I'm sorry, wait, what? COMMISH The Nuggets, The Nets, The Spurs and the Pacers will play in the NBA next year. The rest of us will dissolve. JACKIE MOON Dissolve? Dissolve, like, how? How do I dissolve into the NBA? The winning owners look at each other, not sure how to handle Jackie. JACKIE MOON What's happening? 34. COMMISH I'm sorry Jackie. We all know how. emotional you get. We waited until the very last second to tell you. Jackie pounds the table. JACKIE MOON No. NO! NO!!! He kicks over his chair... THE COMMISH We know you're upset, Jackie. But you'll be very well compensated. LOSING OWNER #1 Everyone's agreed to a very large sum. JACKIE MOON I don't want a sum! I want my team! (to the losing owners) C'mon you guys, you're not going to just sit here and take the money, are you? They are. JACKIE MOON (to winning owners) What do the Spurs have that we don't? THE COMMISH A huge fan base. A brand new stadium. A solid economic growth package, including strong tax incentives. JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon, that's BULLSHIT! COMMISH The NBA is taking four teams, Jackie, there's nothing I can do. Jackie goes quiet, thinking... An epic idea hits him. JACKIE MOON The best four teams should go. 35. COMMISH What? JACKIE MOON Forget the huge fan base, the stadiums, the economic... (a little lost) Growing... package... inventions... WINNING OWNER #1 (correcting him) Economic growth pack-- JACKIE MOON I KNOW WHAT I SAID! (to the room) The four teams with the best records should merge. LOSING OWNER #2 He's right. LOSING OWNER #1 Yeah, that's the fairest way. COMMISH These four teams DO have the best records. Flint's only won six games all year! JACKIE MOON So far. The season isn't over. LOSING OWNER #2 Yeah, maybe we should finish the season first. COMMISH This plan sounds like a lot of fun, but it's too late. The commissioner, me, has already decided. LOSING OWNER #2 Actually, the terms of a merger can only be approved by a league mandate. JACKIE MOON YES. That's right. What he said. 36. LOSING OWNER #1 I move that we vote on the terms of the merger. EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NEXT DAY The team sits around the parking lot, sitting on their duffle bags, dejected. Jackie is having a team meeting. JACKIE MOON C'mon you guys, let's try to stay psyched. This is a chance to become a real NBA franchise! CLARENCE There's no way we can make it to fourth place. It's mathematically impossible. JACKIE MOON I ran the numbers. All we have to do is win about eighty-two percent of our remaining games. CLARENCE Eighty-two percent? Isn't that a lot? JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon! We just gotta start hitting our threes. (guys look around, unsure) Listen, I know this seems like bad news, but it doesn't have to be. This is a big road trip for us. We've just got to start playing solid Flint basketball. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY I don't know. We suck, man. JACKIE SLAPS SCOOTSIE. JACKIE MOON (re: The slap) Sorry. JACKIE SLAPS HIM AGAIN, HARDER. JACKIE MOON We do not suck, okay? We just have to want it! 37. Pumped, Jackie walks around with his hands on his hips. BEE BEE ELLIS What do you think, Monix? All eyes turn on the grumpy one. MONIX I think we suck. JACKIE MOON Well... See, now there's some team unity! Now let's load up the jet. REVEAL: A SHITTY SCHOOL BUS has the words 'THE JET!' Spray- painted in graffiti letters with a palm tree next to it. JACKIE MOON (as they load up) Now we've got a special treat. You know I take care of my family. Today, the Jet is catered. I had Downtown's Mom pack us some hot dish. BEE BEE ELLIS Ms. Quincy's hot dish? Sweet! INT. BUS - CONTINUOUS The guys load up. It's so packed it's ridiculous. Everyone tries to stuff their gear somewhere and sit down. Jackie carries a big pot of hot dish, accidentally burning Scootsie's back. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Ah, watch the hot dish, man. JACKIE MOON Sorry Scootsie. TWIGGY MUNSON Hey Jackie, there's some dude out there, wants to talk to you. POV: Out the window, we can see DUKES, the full court shot winner, holding his GIANT CHECK and looking into the bus. He's still shirtless, with a star-spangled headband. EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - MOMENTS LATER Jackie and Dukes are next to the bus, discussing the check. 38. DUKES I tried Jackie. They won't take it. They said it's 'symbolic.' JACKIE MOON What does symbolic mean? DUKES I don't know. But they said I need a real check. JACKIE MOON I don't know what your bank is talking about. That is a real check. I signed it myself. DUKES It's written in glitter, dude. Can't you just give me, like, a regular sized one? JACKIE MOON I don't get it. People are usually able to cash these. Maybe you should try another bank. (trying to wrap it up) If you run into any more trouble, let me know. DUKES Okay Jackie, thanks man. JACKIE MOON Any time, congratulations. Jackie turns away from Dukes and exhales, walking back to the bus. MUSIC CUE: 'SHORT PEOPLE' BY RANDY NEWMAN. EXT. THE HIGHWAY - DAY We're flying down the highway. INT. THE JET - DAY Kong, the small Asian player, is driving, singing along with Jackie to the radio... JACKIE MOON & KONG (singing Randy Newman) SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... 39. SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE Jackie reaches up into a special bin and takes out some beef jerky, then yells out the window. JACKIE (out the window at a car) YOU IN-THE-GREEN-CAR GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE... Pan back to see the whole team crammed into tiny seats. Vakidis has his knees pointing straight toward the ceiling. Twiggy Munson is reading '70's pornography. Clarence is sewing a new name onto his jersey. The rest of the guys are eating their hot dish. MONIX So, Clarence, what's in this 'hot dish' anyway? CLARENCE My Mom cooked your ass a whole Damn meal, why you gotta go asking what's in it? MONIX It's a compliment. It's good. CLARENCE If it's good, then it's good. Why do you gotta know what's in it? What's in hot dish? Hot dish is in hot dish, asshole. BEE BEE and SCOOTSIE look over the seat, facing them. BEE BEE ELLIS Hey Monix, what were the Celtics like? MONIX They were fast. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Fast? No one's faster than me. I should be on the Celtics. MONIX (pointing to his mind) Fast up here. 40. BEE BEE ELLIS You're supposed to be Mr. Smartball. Why'd you get bounced? MONIX Well, you have to be able to jump too. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Hey, let us see that ring again. MONIX Not right now, okay Twiggy? CLARENCE Isn't it a little embarrassing wearing that thing everyday? MONIX Embarrassing? CLARENCE You call yourself a Celtic? You sat through every single playoff game. You didn't see action once. And now you walk around wearing the ice like you're Bill Russel. Well you ain't. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, you're just jealous. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Yeah, Monix played solid minutes, for lots of teams. He's played in the NBA, that's more than you can say. CLARENCE Whatever. At least I never sat on the bench and then called myself a champion. You didn't do shit for that Celtic team. If I was Dave Cowens, I'd yank that ring right off your neck. That was a pretty heated exchange. Monix looks like he's got something to say, but he doesn't. Clarence has the last word. CLARENCE He doesn't wear it on his finger because he knows he didn't earn it. He didn't even play. 41. Monix looks out the window. EXT. ROAD GAME #1 - NIGHT 'The Jet' is parked outside the arena. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) We're just a few minutes away from game one of the Tropic's 6 game road trip. With talk of an NBA merger hitting the league, there's a new electricity surrounding tonight's game... INT. VISITOR'S LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT Jackie addresses his team before tip off. JACKIE MOON Alright. Now, a lot of people out there are writing us off. A lot people are saying things like 'Jackie Moon is an offensive liability.' They're saying 'Flint's turnovers led to sixty fast break points per game.' (Making this up) They're saying 'Bee Bee's retarded brother is so retarded that his eyes look too big,. Like a French Bulldog. BEE BEE ELLIS No one said that, man. JACKIE MOON (trying to motivate) Yes they did. And we're going to use it as motivation, okay? THIS IS OUR TIME! WE'RE GOING TO SHOOT MORE THAN WE'VE EVER SHOT BEFORE! NOW BRING IT IN! READY? ONE TWO THREE- EVERYONE LET'S GET TROPICAL! MONTAGE: FLINT PLAYS HARDER BUT THEY STILL SUCK. GAME 1) JACKIE MOON sprints across the floor tries to get two f eet planted in the lane. It's not even close, JACKIE HAS TAKEN A GUY DOWN HARD. The ref whistles a blocking foul. 42. JACKIE MOON OH, C'MON!? Where's the charge, Father Pat? FATHER PAT THE REF Both feet weren't planted. JACKIE MOON OH, SUCK MY COCK. I WILL MURDER YOUR FAMILY. FATHER PAT THE REF That's it, you're out. JACKIE MOON What!? What did I say? Jackie takes a ball and drop kicks it, PUNTING IT high up into the rafters. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: COLONELS 111 TROPICS 92. GAME 2) MONIX drives the lane, fast and smart -- A no-look pass hits Scootsie Double-Day in the shoulder. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY AH. MY COLLAR BONE! BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: SQUIRES 90 TROPICS 70. GAME 3) CLARENCE and BEE BEE jog back on Defense. CLARENCE I ain't guarding my guy anymore. BEE BEE ELLIS Why not? CLARENCE He's too'Damn sweaty, man. (re: his wet uniform) Look at me. BEE BEE ELLIS Gross. Well, I ain't guarding him. Monix notices this discussion. MONIX Quit talking and play defense! The sweaty guy backs in on Clarence, posting up top. 44. GAME 5) Jackie Moon plays great defense, rejecting a shot! Monix grabs the ball and dribbles on a fast break. Clarence trails, in perfect position... CLARENCE Right on! I'm open baby! Try a behind-the-back! Monix delivers a nice two handed bounce pass, but Clarence isn't ready for anything fundamentally sound -- The ball hits him in the nuts. CLARENCE Ah, shit. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: PIPERS 105 TROPICS 91. EXT. HOTEL STRIP - NIGHT Angle on a big hotel with fancy lights -- but then we pan to reveal: A shitty motel. The 'Jet' is parked at the cheap place. INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Two twin beds in a crap-box motel room. Monix has the phone to his ear, but it just keeps ringing. He'd leave a message for Lynn, but answering machines haven't been invented yet. He hangs up, looks in the mirror, and now takes his Championship ring necklace off. He looks at the ring in his hand... And shoves it into his duffle bag. CLARENCE (O.S.) I brought us some ice. Monix is startled. Clarence, his roommate for the night, enters. MONIX Ice? What for? CLARENCE I don't know, it's free. Clarence takes some ice, pops it in his mouth and starts crunching. CLARENCE Want some? 45. MONIX No thanks. Now BEE BEE enters, yet another player in the small room. BEE BEE ELLIS That Root Beer machine took my fucking change, man. White people are assholes. Monix ignores this. Laying back, he focuses on the TV: THE CELTICS are playing. Their trapping defense is a thing of beauty. Clarence walks over and flicks the channels, until he stops at 'Love American Style.' MONIX You turned off the Celtics? CLARENCE I don't watch people play basketball. They watch me. With that, Clarence pulls out a JOINT and lights it. MONIX (re: the marijuana) What the Hell is that? CLARENCE (as he inhales) It's a fucking Egg-McMuffin. Monix opens the window, clearing the pot smoke out of his face. JACKIE EXITS the bathroom, having just taken a shower. He's wearing a very small robe. This is now the fourth player who's sleeping in this tiny room. MONIX Why don't you shower in your room? JACKIE MOON My wife is using it. I'll be crashing with you guys tonight. (NOTICING) Ice? Awesome. (as he eats ice, re: TV) Love American Style? Turn it up. 46. Jackie doesn't say a word about the pot. Instead he keeps his eyes glued to the TV, then reaches for the joint and SMOKES IT. MONIX Jackie, have you ever even slept with your wife? JACKIE MOON (LYING) What? Are you kidding? Try, like, every weekend. She's so hot. MONIX Sounds like a great arrangement. JACKIE MOON You guys need to wake up. Quit living like it's the 1950's, man. Live it up. (showing off) Hey Clarence, let's have some of that smoke, bro. MONIX I'm pretty sure we have a game tomorrow. JACKIE MOON (as he inhales) This stuff won't affect you. It's premium. Jackie finishes inhaling, then holds it out for Monix. He stares at the joint, then around the room at his teammates. MONIX Well, if this is really going to be my life, I might as well be stoned like everyone else. JACKIE MOON Well said. Monix takes the stupid joint. The instant Monix inhales he COUGHS LIKE CRAZY. MONIX What the Hell is this? CLARENCE What do you mean? 47. MONIX It's harsh. CLARENCE Take that back. MONIX Take what back? JACKIE MOON His Mom grows it. CLARENCE Yeah, in the yard. MONIX Your Mom grew this? CLARENCE It's sweet grass. MONIX Well, I'm finished, thanks. CLARENCE What's wrong, my Mom's weed ain't good enough for you? MONIX I guess not. JACKIE MOON C'mon man, have some respect for his Mom's weed. CLARENCE That's it, I ain't sleeping in the same bed as this motherfucker. INT. AMIGO STADIUM - ROAD TRIP GAME 6 - NEXT NIGHT Television cameras are being set up. A camera man cleans the lens. Jackie studies the cameras, mesmerized by the idea of television. He speaks with the Amigo's manager. AMIGO MANAGER You want all the fans to sit on one side of the stadium? 48. JACKIE MOON Yeah, just move all those people over to this side. (DEMONSTRATING) See, the TV cameras are going to face this way, right? Well, if we fill the seats on that side, we'll look sold out. AMIGO MANAGER Actually, that's not a bad idea. MEANWHILE, ON THE COURT: Both teams are warming up. Clarence now has a new name on his Jersey. There are so many words, there is barely space for a number. It's a mess. CLARENCE (re: Jersey, new name) Check it out. I sewed it on the bus. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY (struggling to read it) What's it say? CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. The asshole, PETRELLI, wanders over near the Tropics side of the court. PETRELLI Yo, Granny Yarn Barn, how's the needle point going? CLARENCE Kiss my ass, Petrelli. PETRELLI (re: the Jersey name) Hey man, I think you spelled 'Flint sucks balls' wrong. (BEAT) This guy's the next Betsy Ross! Aren't you Clarence? The guys laugh. MONIX walks up, defending his teammate. MONIX No one calls him Clarence. His name IS-- (BEAT) What's your name? 49. CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. MONIX His name's Jumping Johnny Johnson. (nose to nose) You got that? Jackie hurries over. JACKIE MOON Alright, break it up. (to his team) Everyone huddle up!... VAKIDIS! OVER HERE. Where is he walking to? (BEAT) Fuck it. Listen up, we're on National TV tonight. And you all know what that means: The league needs a good clean game. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, that's a bunch of dog shit. JACKIE MOON Hey! You guys want to merge or not? Because the fastest way to screw this up is to start punching people in the face while the commissioner is at home, watching the game with his kids... Children are very impressionable. Their minds are not yet soiled by the cruel realities of this world. BEE BEE ELLIS What? JACKIE MOON No punching. Behind the huddle, FANS BEGIN WALKING RIGHT ACROSS THE COURT. Both teams turn to watch this strange thing. The Amigos manager leads the herd, Jackie helps out, directing them across to the other side. JACKIE MOON THAT'S RIGHT, JUST MOVE RIGHT ACROSS- IF YOU COULD JUST FILL IN ALL OF THOSE EMPTY SEATS IN THAT AREA, THAT'D BE GREAT. 50. INT. AMIGO'S STADIUM - LATER The optical illusion has worked. The game does indeed look crowded. The game is in full swing. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) This sold out crowd is loving this one, the Amigos up by twenty-six here in the second. Monix drains a nice jumper, but out of nowhere, Petrelli, the guy we hate, throws a hard shoulder, knocking Monix to the floor. MONIX That's a moving pick Father Pat! C'mon! FATHER PAT THE REF Play on. Monix can't believe it. Petrelli taunts Monix. PETRELLI What's wrong Monix, cat got your 'nads? Monix faces off. JACKIE MOON MONIX! NO! (POINTING) Not with the cameras. (miming the commish') He's watching. Monix looks around and thinks... MONIX What about commercials? JACKIE MOON What? MONIX Commercials, what about commercials? Jackie thinks about this, then nods 'good idea.' JACKIE MOON I like it. Time out Ref! 51. ANNOUNCER (V.0. ) A time out on the floor, 5:20 left before the half, the Amigos 45, the Tropics 19, we'll be right back after this message from Shasta. The camera's on air' red light turns off. CAMERA MAN (rooting them on) And... You're clear. JACKIE MOON SOMEBODY HIT SOMEBODY! BAM! MONIX CLOCKS PETRELLI. BAM! JACKIE MOON PUNCHES ANOTHER GUY. PETRELLI TAKES THE HIT AND TACKLES MONIX. BOTH BENCHES CLEAR. THE CROWD GOES NUTS. INT. THE COMMISSIONER'S HOUSE - MEANWHILE The commissioner relaxes at home with his two kids... A Shasta commercial is on TV. SHASTA COMMERCIAL (V.0.) (on TV) I want a pop... I want a -- Shasta... INT. AMIGO STADIUM - CONTINUOUS MAYHEM. JACKIE MOON IS YANKING A FAN'S HAIR. A TALL GUY IS ABOUT TO POUND SHORT LITTLE KONG. BUT NOW KONG JUMPS IN THE AIR AND DOES A SWEET ROUND-HOUSE JUDO KICK, KNOCKING THE TALL GUY TO THE FLOOR. KONG Hi-Ya! MEANWHILE: MONIX AND PETRELLI ARE TRADING HOCKEY PUNCHES... CAMERA MAN And we're back in -5- (Monix punches Petrelli) -4- (Petrelli punches Monix) -3- (Monix punches Petrelli) 52 -2- (Monix ducks and punches) (cuing the announcers) AND WE'RE ON. THE 'RED LIGHT' GLOWS. ON A DIME: EVERYONE STOPS PUNCHING, STANDS UP STRAIGHT AND SMILES. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) Welcome back to the ABA game of the week... Players hold their heads in pain. Others limp back to the bench. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) .The camaraderie and spirit of this league is on full display here tonight... Off camera, Monix delivers a secret punch to Patrelli's spleen. INT. LOCKER ROOM - HALF TIME Jackie runs the half time talk, standing in front of the chalk board. JACKIE MOON Okay, solid first half guys, but we're going to have to make some ADJ-- Monix interrupts Jackie, pissed. He addresses the team, stepping in front of Jackie Moon. MONIX --This is bullshit guys. They're kicking our ass in basketball and they're kicking our ass during the commercials, too. Does anybody here understand the concept of the pick and roll? Because they're going to keep double teaming at the top of the key until somebody rotates the Damn ball... JACKIE MOON Yeah! C'mon guys! Rotate the ball. Monix looks at this group and gets even madder. 53. MONIX Does anyone in this room have any pride? Don't you realize, this is thelast four weeks of basketball anyus are ever going to play?Is thishow we're really going togo out?You'd think we'd want toend ourcareers battling, hustling after every loose ball. Boxing out under the boards. Setting picks for our teammates. But we haven't done shit out there. Twiggy Munson and Scootsie Double-Day hang their heads. MONIX We're a bunch of selfish assholes -- And I've got news for you, we aren't going to finish in fourth, we're going to finish dead last. Monix paces in front of the guys, a man possessed. MONIX One day, you're going to look back on your life... And you're going to look back on this time... And you're going to realize... Monix is staring right at Clarence. And Clarence is actually listening... MONIX .You're going to realize you never even played basketball. A moment of silence after the intensity. Monix waddles to the door. MONIX Now, you guys have fun out there in the second half. If anyone needs me, I'll be in the training room, draining my knee. Monix limps off, everyone's head is hanging low. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY He's right. 54. BEE BEE ELLIS Of course he's right. But what the Hell are we supposed to do about it? We don't even have plays. INT. JACKIE MOON'S OFFICE - DAYS LATER We're back in Flint. Jackie is back in his office, speaking on the phone. JACKIE MOON (into phone) Dukes! | leaves | How many times the word 'leaves' appears in the text? | 0 |
without looking over... CLARENCE Not everyone sits around dreaming of playing in the NBA, you know. 25. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Maybe not. But you do. TWIGGY MUNSON Yeah, that's all you ever talk about. MONIX You're not jealous, are you Clarence? CLARENCE No one calls me Clarence. BEE BEE ELLIS His name's Downtown. MONIX Okay Downtown. I'll make sure Downtown is only referred to as Downtown, okay Downtown? CLARENCE Don't think I don't know what you're doing. You're doing that thing where you pretend to mean what you say, but you don't. BEE BEE ELLIS Sarcasm. CLARENCE Yeah. How'd you like that sarcasm smacked off your face? MONIX Bring it, funky stuff. BEE BEE ELLIS That's sarcasm, man. He's doing it again! CLARENCE (to Bee Bee) I got this, alright? Monix squares off with a smile that says 'hit me.' Clarence takes off his leather full length and folds it nicely. CLARENCE (in Monix's face) How'd you like a knuckle sandwich? 26. MONIX Knuckle sandwich? Who says that? CLARENCE I do motherfucker. I'm gonna pound you so hard, you're-- MONIX REARS HIS FIST BACK, about to release a strong Popeye HOOK-- CLARENCE WAIT! CLARENCE IMMEDIATELY SWITCHES GEARS, PUTTING HIS HANDS UP LIKE A SCARED LITTLE GIRL. CLARENCE (like a sissy) --WAIT! OKAY? COOL COOL COOL. CHILL OUT, MAN, ALRIGHT? WE'RE COOL-- BAM. MONIX PUNCHES CLARENCE IN THE STOMACH ANYWAY. BEE BEE ELLIS YESSS! I LIKE IT! IT'S OUR OWN TEAM, BUT I LIKE IT. One of the party people, a ball girl, GAYLE, interrupts. GAYLE Excuse me boys. You mind, if I borrow your friend for a minute? INT. DANCE FLOOR - MEANWHILE Jackie is dancing to his own song, still wearing the ice packs on his knees. The song ends and A DIFFERENT ONE STARTS. JACKIE MOON (looking to the DJ) Hold on a second. MELINDA What's wrong? JACKIE MOON Where's the boogie? Jackie fights his way through the crowd to the DJ booth. JACKIE MOON (to DJ, over music) HEY! WHERE'S THE BOOGIE? 27. DJ I ALREADY PLAYED YOUR SONG FOUR TIMES. JACKIE MOON GET UP. DJ NO. YOU CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS, JACKIE. I'M THE DJ. JACKIE MOON (taking over as DJ) NOT ANY MORE. YOU'RE ON SNACK PATROL. SCREECH -- The music stops. JACKIE MOON (into the mic) The year was 1973. A young musician named Jackie Moon, finishes years of musical training, only to find he is a slave to the notes on the page. He knows it's time to break free. In a sudden fit of creative mastery, he grabs a pen and a napkin and writes a song that breaks all the rules. Ladies and gentleman... Let's get sweaty. MUSIC CUE: Jackie's song. Everyone goes crazy. JACKIE MOON (V.0.) (studio version) Baby, who wants to; love me sexy. baby, are you ready to; lick me sexy. Take off your shoes and; suck me sexy. Baby, we're naked and we're; humping sexy-- INT. DAIQUIRI ROOM - NIGHT Gayle and Monix walk upstairs into the 'coolest' room ever. Carpet on the ceiling, a plaid couch, a fish tank, a water bed, mirrors, etc. GAYLE I'm glad they traded for you, I got myself a cute one. MONIX So, this is the Daiquiri room? 28. LUCY MOON (O.S. ) That's right. REVEAL: LUCY MOON, Jackie's wife, is on the couch. She's the hottest girl in the world. LUCY MOON What do you think, Gayle? Does he like it with my boots on, or does he like my boots off? GAYLE He seems like a boots on kind of guy. LUCY MOON Then it looks like I'm ready. As soon as you slide these shorts off of me. MONIX Aren't you Jackie's wife? LUCY MOON He knows about the Daiquiri room. GAYLE It's a new tradition we're starting, when new players join. MONIX I see. Well, I'm going to have to pass. I'm good, thanks. LUCY MOON Honey, you don't know what good is. With that, Lucy flicks on the stereo-- MUSIC CUE: THE BAR KEYS 'TOO HOT TO STOP.' MONIX Listen um... (i.e. what's your name?) GAYLE My name is 'no strings attached.' LUCY MOON You can call me Mrs. Moon. Gayle and Lucy perform a funky/seductive dance, moving closer and closer to Monix. 29. MONIX I don't think this is going to happen, Mrs. Moon. LUCY MOON It has to. GAYLE It's bad luck if you don't. MONIX Yeah, I'd hate to bring bad luck to Flint Michigan. Lucy has sprayed some WHIP CREAM on her nipples. LUCY MOON (whip cream) Why don't you lick these clean for me? MONIX I can't eat dairy. Lucy decides that now is a good time to aggressively KISS him. Monix pushes her away. MONIX Nice tits, Mrs. Moon. I gotta go. Monix walks down the stairs. LUCY MOON (calling after him) I see what this is: You want us to send Eric and Marcus up here? On the way out, Monix flicks her off. INT. LYNN'S HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT Lynn is asleep next to Kyle. She awakes to someone pounding on the door. EXT. LYNN'S FRONT YARD - NIGHT Lynn has arrived at the screen door. Monix, wasted, doesn't notice Lynn yet, he keeps pounding until she opens it. LYNN Why are you here? 30. MONIX I got traded. LYNN I mean, why are you here? MONIX Can we talk? KYLE (O.S.) --Yo, Monix, you're wasted! Ha! Kyle has come out to say hi. MONIX Yeah. Sorry man-- KYLE What's up! That of jump shot of yours ain't broke yet, is it? MONIX No. Ha. KYLE Great back door cut for the lay-up in the third. That's how basketball should be played. MONIX Kyle, can you give us a second? We need to talk. KYLE No problem. Great game tonight man. MONIX Why does your boyfriend like me so much? LYNN You're his favorite player. MONIX Look, there are still some things I think we need to talk about. LYNN I've already said everything I'm ever going to say to you. 31. MONIX I see. (BEAT) Well, I guess I'll be leaving then. Monix walks away... Then turns back. MONIX You're really not going to stop me? LYNN No. Monix walks more, until Lynn speaks. LYNN You're going to end up walking with a cane the rest of your life. You have to quit. MONIX And do what? LYNN I don't know... Kill yourself, I guess. MONIX Kill myself? LYNN You act like there's nothing else in the world besides basketball. If that's how you really feel, then go ahead and get it over with. I'm going to sleep. MONIX Thanks for the pep. talk. LYNN No problem. MONIX Lynn. (she opens the door again) Can I ask you for one favor? LYNN You want a favor? MONIX My knee. 32. LYNN Oh, Jesus Christ Monix. It's 4 a.m. Lynn stares at him in disbelief. Monix shrugs. MONIX No one here can drain it right. LYNN Fine. Monix nods, then makes a move toward the door. LYNN No. You're not coming in. We'll do it in the yard. DISSOLVE TO: INT. JACKIE'S MONTE CARLO - DAYS LATER Jackie drives in his car, practicing for the meeting. tries to build some confidence. JACKIE MOON (into the rear view, very CIVILIZED) Well, hello Commissioner -- Why sure, I would love one of your Puerto Rican cigars -- Oh, I know I'm a legitimate owner, you don't have to tell me that -- We're merging with the NBA? Oh, that's nice -- Ha Ha Ha! Good one, Commish ... EXT. INDIANAPOLIS - CONTINUOUS A brick building on the outskirts of Indianapolis. A sign says. WELCOME ABA OWNERS. Jackie pulls into the lot and parks. He looks in the mirror one last time. JACKIE MOON Your Mom would be proud of you today. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS Not-quite-Rich guys surround a large oak table. JACKIE is by far the youngest of the owners. 33. COMMISH .I'm sure each of you have heard the rumors. And I'm here to tell you, the rumors are true. The ABA will be merging with the NBA at the end of this season. JACKIE MOON YES!!! (to an old guy) GIVE ME TEN, NORTON! YES!! (fists to the ceiling) EVERYONE CAN EAT SHIT! I AM THE GREATEST MAN IN THE WORLD! COMMISH Our league is sold. And the NBA agreed to all of our financial demands! Now Jackie turns inward, more quietly intense. This is, without question, the greatest moment of his life. JACKIE MOON (to himself) You're a real owner. You're in the NBA. COMMISH Four of our teams will be absorbed into the NBA family, the rest of you will terminate operations. JACKIE MOON Exactly! You know it! (now hearing) I'm sorry, wait, what? COMMISH The Nuggets, The Nets, The Spurs and the Pacers will play in the NBA next year. The rest of us will dissolve. JACKIE MOON Dissolve? Dissolve, like, how? How do I dissolve into the NBA? The winning owners look at each other, not sure how to handle Jackie. JACKIE MOON What's happening? 34. COMMISH I'm sorry Jackie. We all know how. emotional you get. We waited until the very last second to tell you. Jackie pounds the table. JACKIE MOON No. NO! NO!!! He kicks over his chair... THE COMMISH We know you're upset, Jackie. But you'll be very well compensated. LOSING OWNER #1 Everyone's agreed to a very large sum. JACKIE MOON I don't want a sum! I want my team! (to the losing owners) C'mon you guys, you're not going to just sit here and take the money, are you? They are. JACKIE MOON (to winning owners) What do the Spurs have that we don't? THE COMMISH A huge fan base. A brand new stadium. A solid economic growth package, including strong tax incentives. JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon, that's BULLSHIT! COMMISH The NBA is taking four teams, Jackie, there's nothing I can do. Jackie goes quiet, thinking... An epic idea hits him. JACKIE MOON The best four teams should go. 35. COMMISH What? JACKIE MOON Forget the huge fan base, the stadiums, the economic... (a little lost) Growing... package... inventions... WINNING OWNER #1 (correcting him) Economic growth pack-- JACKIE MOON I KNOW WHAT I SAID! (to the room) The four teams with the best records should merge. LOSING OWNER #2 He's right. LOSING OWNER #1 Yeah, that's the fairest way. COMMISH These four teams DO have the best records. Flint's only won six games all year! JACKIE MOON So far. The season isn't over. LOSING OWNER #2 Yeah, maybe we should finish the season first. COMMISH This plan sounds like a lot of fun, but it's too late. The commissioner, me, has already decided. LOSING OWNER #2 Actually, the terms of a merger can only be approved by a league mandate. JACKIE MOON YES. That's right. What he said. 36. LOSING OWNER #1 I move that we vote on the terms of the merger. EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NEXT DAY The team sits around the parking lot, sitting on their duffle bags, dejected. Jackie is having a team meeting. JACKIE MOON C'mon you guys, let's try to stay psyched. This is a chance to become a real NBA franchise! CLARENCE There's no way we can make it to fourth place. It's mathematically impossible. JACKIE MOON I ran the numbers. All we have to do is win about eighty-two percent of our remaining games. CLARENCE Eighty-two percent? Isn't that a lot? JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon! We just gotta start hitting our threes. (guys look around, unsure) Listen, I know this seems like bad news, but it doesn't have to be. This is a big road trip for us. We've just got to start playing solid Flint basketball. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY I don't know. We suck, man. JACKIE SLAPS SCOOTSIE. JACKIE MOON (re: The slap) Sorry. JACKIE SLAPS HIM AGAIN, HARDER. JACKIE MOON We do not suck, okay? We just have to want it! 37. Pumped, Jackie walks around with his hands on his hips. BEE BEE ELLIS What do you think, Monix? All eyes turn on the grumpy one. MONIX I think we suck. JACKIE MOON Well... See, now there's some team unity! Now let's load up the jet. REVEAL: A SHITTY SCHOOL BUS has the words 'THE JET!' Spray- painted in graffiti letters with a palm tree next to it. JACKIE MOON (as they load up) Now we've got a special treat. You know I take care of my family. Today, the Jet is catered. I had Downtown's Mom pack us some hot dish. BEE BEE ELLIS Ms. Quincy's hot dish? Sweet! INT. BUS - CONTINUOUS The guys load up. It's so packed it's ridiculous. Everyone tries to stuff their gear somewhere and sit down. Jackie carries a big pot of hot dish, accidentally burning Scootsie's back. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Ah, watch the hot dish, man. JACKIE MOON Sorry Scootsie. TWIGGY MUNSON Hey Jackie, there's some dude out there, wants to talk to you. POV: Out the window, we can see DUKES, the full court shot winner, holding his GIANT CHECK and looking into the bus. He's still shirtless, with a star-spangled headband. EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - MOMENTS LATER Jackie and Dukes are next to the bus, discussing the check. 38. DUKES I tried Jackie. They won't take it. They said it's 'symbolic.' JACKIE MOON What does symbolic mean? DUKES I don't know. But they said I need a real check. JACKIE MOON I don't know what your bank is talking about. That is a real check. I signed it myself. DUKES It's written in glitter, dude. Can't you just give me, like, a regular sized one? JACKIE MOON I don't get it. People are usually able to cash these. Maybe you should try another bank. (trying to wrap it up) If you run into any more trouble, let me know. DUKES Okay Jackie, thanks man. JACKIE MOON Any time, congratulations. Jackie turns away from Dukes and exhales, walking back to the bus. MUSIC CUE: 'SHORT PEOPLE' BY RANDY NEWMAN. EXT. THE HIGHWAY - DAY We're flying down the highway. INT. THE JET - DAY Kong, the small Asian player, is driving, singing along with Jackie to the radio... JACKIE MOON & KONG (singing Randy Newman) SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... 39. SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE Jackie reaches up into a special bin and takes out some beef jerky, then yells out the window. JACKIE (out the window at a car) YOU IN-THE-GREEN-CAR GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE... Pan back to see the whole team crammed into tiny seats. Vakidis has his knees pointing straight toward the ceiling. Twiggy Munson is reading '70's pornography. Clarence is sewing a new name onto his jersey. The rest of the guys are eating their hot dish. MONIX So, Clarence, what's in this 'hot dish' anyway? CLARENCE My Mom cooked your ass a whole Damn meal, why you gotta go asking what's in it? MONIX It's a compliment. It's good. CLARENCE If it's good, then it's good. Why do you gotta know what's in it? What's in hot dish? Hot dish is in hot dish, asshole. BEE BEE and SCOOTSIE look over the seat, facing them. BEE BEE ELLIS Hey Monix, what were the Celtics like? MONIX They were fast. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Fast? No one's faster than me. I should be on the Celtics. MONIX (pointing to his mind) Fast up here. 40. BEE BEE ELLIS You're supposed to be Mr. Smartball. Why'd you get bounced? MONIX Well, you have to be able to jump too. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Hey, let us see that ring again. MONIX Not right now, okay Twiggy? CLARENCE Isn't it a little embarrassing wearing that thing everyday? MONIX Embarrassing? CLARENCE You call yourself a Celtic? You sat through every single playoff game. You didn't see action once. And now you walk around wearing the ice like you're Bill Russel. Well you ain't. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, you're just jealous. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Yeah, Monix played solid minutes, for lots of teams. He's played in the NBA, that's more than you can say. CLARENCE Whatever. At least I never sat on the bench and then called myself a champion. You didn't do shit for that Celtic team. If I was Dave Cowens, I'd yank that ring right off your neck. That was a pretty heated exchange. Monix looks like he's got something to say, but he doesn't. Clarence has the last word. CLARENCE He doesn't wear it on his finger because he knows he didn't earn it. He didn't even play. 41. Monix looks out the window. EXT. ROAD GAME #1 - NIGHT 'The Jet' is parked outside the arena. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) We're just a few minutes away from game one of the Tropic's 6 game road trip. With talk of an NBA merger hitting the league, there's a new electricity surrounding tonight's game... INT. VISITOR'S LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT Jackie addresses his team before tip off. JACKIE MOON Alright. Now, a lot of people out there are writing us off. A lot people are saying things like 'Jackie Moon is an offensive liability.' They're saying 'Flint's turnovers led to sixty fast break points per game.' (Making this up) They're saying 'Bee Bee's retarded brother is so retarded that his eyes look too big,. Like a French Bulldog. BEE BEE ELLIS No one said that, man. JACKIE MOON (trying to motivate) Yes they did. And we're going to use it as motivation, okay? THIS IS OUR TIME! WE'RE GOING TO SHOOT MORE THAN WE'VE EVER SHOT BEFORE! NOW BRING IT IN! READY? ONE TWO THREE- EVERYONE LET'S GET TROPICAL! MONTAGE: FLINT PLAYS HARDER BUT THEY STILL SUCK. GAME 1) JACKIE MOON sprints across the floor tries to get two f eet planted in the lane. It's not even close, JACKIE HAS TAKEN A GUY DOWN HARD. The ref whistles a blocking foul. 42. JACKIE MOON OH, C'MON!? Where's the charge, Father Pat? FATHER PAT THE REF Both feet weren't planted. JACKIE MOON OH, SUCK MY COCK. I WILL MURDER YOUR FAMILY. FATHER PAT THE REF That's it, you're out. JACKIE MOON What!? What did I say? Jackie takes a ball and drop kicks it, PUNTING IT high up into the rafters. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: COLONELS 111 TROPICS 92. GAME 2) MONIX drives the lane, fast and smart -- A no-look pass hits Scootsie Double-Day in the shoulder. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY AH. MY COLLAR BONE! BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: SQUIRES 90 TROPICS 70. GAME 3) CLARENCE and BEE BEE jog back on Defense. CLARENCE I ain't guarding my guy anymore. BEE BEE ELLIS Why not? CLARENCE He's too'Damn sweaty, man. (re: his wet uniform) Look at me. BEE BEE ELLIS Gross. Well, I ain't guarding him. Monix notices this discussion. MONIX Quit talking and play defense! The sweaty guy backs in on Clarence, posting up top. 44. GAME 5) Jackie Moon plays great defense, rejecting a shot! Monix grabs the ball and dribbles on a fast break. Clarence trails, in perfect position... CLARENCE Right on! I'm open baby! Try a behind-the-back! Monix delivers a nice two handed bounce pass, but Clarence isn't ready for anything fundamentally sound -- The ball hits him in the nuts. CLARENCE Ah, shit. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: PIPERS 105 TROPICS 91. EXT. HOTEL STRIP - NIGHT Angle on a big hotel with fancy lights -- but then we pan to reveal: A shitty motel. The 'Jet' is parked at the cheap place. INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Two twin beds in a crap-box motel room. Monix has the phone to his ear, but it just keeps ringing. He'd leave a message for Lynn, but answering machines haven't been invented yet. He hangs up, looks in the mirror, and now takes his Championship ring necklace off. He looks at the ring in his hand... And shoves it into his duffle bag. CLARENCE (O.S.) I brought us some ice. Monix is startled. Clarence, his roommate for the night, enters. MONIX Ice? What for? CLARENCE I don't know, it's free. Clarence takes some ice, pops it in his mouth and starts crunching. CLARENCE Want some? 45. MONIX No thanks. Now BEE BEE enters, yet another player in the small room. BEE BEE ELLIS That Root Beer machine took my fucking change, man. White people are assholes. Monix ignores this. Laying back, he focuses on the TV: THE CELTICS are playing. Their trapping defense is a thing of beauty. Clarence walks over and flicks the channels, until he stops at 'Love American Style.' MONIX You turned off the Celtics? CLARENCE I don't watch people play basketball. They watch me. With that, Clarence pulls out a JOINT and lights it. MONIX (re: the marijuana) What the Hell is that? CLARENCE (as he inhales) It's a fucking Egg-McMuffin. Monix opens the window, clearing the pot smoke out of his face. JACKIE EXITS the bathroom, having just taken a shower. He's wearing a very small robe. This is now the fourth player who's sleeping in this tiny room. MONIX Why don't you shower in your room? JACKIE MOON My wife is using it. I'll be crashing with you guys tonight. (NOTICING) Ice? Awesome. (as he eats ice, re: TV) Love American Style? Turn it up. 46. Jackie doesn't say a word about the pot. Instead he keeps his eyes glued to the TV, then reaches for the joint and SMOKES IT. MONIX Jackie, have you ever even slept with your wife? JACKIE MOON (LYING) What? Are you kidding? Try, like, every weekend. She's so hot. MONIX Sounds like a great arrangement. JACKIE MOON You guys need to wake up. Quit living like it's the 1950's, man. Live it up. (showing off) Hey Clarence, let's have some of that smoke, bro. MONIX I'm pretty sure we have a game tomorrow. JACKIE MOON (as he inhales) This stuff won't affect you. It's premium. Jackie finishes inhaling, then holds it out for Monix. He stares at the joint, then around the room at his teammates. MONIX Well, if this is really going to be my life, I might as well be stoned like everyone else. JACKIE MOON Well said. Monix takes the stupid joint. The instant Monix inhales he COUGHS LIKE CRAZY. MONIX What the Hell is this? CLARENCE What do you mean? 47. MONIX It's harsh. CLARENCE Take that back. MONIX Take what back? JACKIE MOON His Mom grows it. CLARENCE Yeah, in the yard. MONIX Your Mom grew this? CLARENCE It's sweet grass. MONIX Well, I'm finished, thanks. CLARENCE What's wrong, my Mom's weed ain't good enough for you? MONIX I guess not. JACKIE MOON C'mon man, have some respect for his Mom's weed. CLARENCE That's it, I ain't sleeping in the same bed as this motherfucker. INT. AMIGO STADIUM - ROAD TRIP GAME 6 - NEXT NIGHT Television cameras are being set up. A camera man cleans the lens. Jackie studies the cameras, mesmerized by the idea of television. He speaks with the Amigo's manager. AMIGO MANAGER You want all the fans to sit on one side of the stadium? 48. JACKIE MOON Yeah, just move all those people over to this side. (DEMONSTRATING) See, the TV cameras are going to face this way, right? Well, if we fill the seats on that side, we'll look sold out. AMIGO MANAGER Actually, that's not a bad idea. MEANWHILE, ON THE COURT: Both teams are warming up. Clarence now has a new name on his Jersey. There are so many words, there is barely space for a number. It's a mess. CLARENCE (re: Jersey, new name) Check it out. I sewed it on the bus. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY (struggling to read it) What's it say? CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. The asshole, PETRELLI, wanders over near the Tropics side of the court. PETRELLI Yo, Granny Yarn Barn, how's the needle point going? CLARENCE Kiss my ass, Petrelli. PETRELLI (re: the Jersey name) Hey man, I think you spelled 'Flint sucks balls' wrong. (BEAT) This guy's the next Betsy Ross! Aren't you Clarence? The guys laugh. MONIX walks up, defending his teammate. MONIX No one calls him Clarence. His name IS-- (BEAT) What's your name? 49. CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. MONIX His name's Jumping Johnny Johnson. (nose to nose) You got that? Jackie hurries over. JACKIE MOON Alright, break it up. (to his team) Everyone huddle up!... VAKIDIS! OVER HERE. Where is he walking to? (BEAT) Fuck it. Listen up, we're on National TV tonight. And you all know what that means: The league needs a good clean game. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, that's a bunch of dog shit. JACKIE MOON Hey! You guys want to merge or not? Because the fastest way to screw this up is to start punching people in the face while the commissioner is at home, watching the game with his kids... Children are very impressionable. Their minds are not yet soiled by the cruel realities of this world. BEE BEE ELLIS What? JACKIE MOON No punching. Behind the huddle, FANS BEGIN WALKING RIGHT ACROSS THE COURT. Both teams turn to watch this strange thing. The Amigos manager leads the herd, Jackie helps out, directing them across to the other side. JACKIE MOON THAT'S RIGHT, JUST MOVE RIGHT ACROSS- IF YOU COULD JUST FILL IN ALL OF THOSE EMPTY SEATS IN THAT AREA, THAT'D BE GREAT. 50. INT. AMIGO'S STADIUM - LATER The optical illusion has worked. The game does indeed look crowded. The game is in full swing. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) This sold out crowd is loving this one, the Amigos up by twenty-six here in the second. Monix drains a nice jumper, but out of nowhere, Petrelli, the guy we hate, throws a hard shoulder, knocking Monix to the floor. MONIX That's a moving pick Father Pat! C'mon! FATHER PAT THE REF Play on. Monix can't believe it. Petrelli taunts Monix. PETRELLI What's wrong Monix, cat got your 'nads? Monix faces off. JACKIE MOON MONIX! NO! (POINTING) Not with the cameras. (miming the commish') He's watching. Monix looks around and thinks... MONIX What about commercials? JACKIE MOON What? MONIX Commercials, what about commercials? Jackie thinks about this, then nods 'good idea.' JACKIE MOON I like it. Time out Ref! 51. ANNOUNCER (V.0. ) A time out on the floor, 5:20 left before the half, the Amigos 45, the Tropics 19, we'll be right back after this message from Shasta. The camera's on air' red light turns off. CAMERA MAN (rooting them on) And... You're clear. JACKIE MOON SOMEBODY HIT SOMEBODY! BAM! MONIX CLOCKS PETRELLI. BAM! JACKIE MOON PUNCHES ANOTHER GUY. PETRELLI TAKES THE HIT AND TACKLES MONIX. BOTH BENCHES CLEAR. THE CROWD GOES NUTS. INT. THE COMMISSIONER'S HOUSE - MEANWHILE The commissioner relaxes at home with his two kids... A Shasta commercial is on TV. SHASTA COMMERCIAL (V.0.) (on TV) I want a pop... I want a -- Shasta... INT. AMIGO STADIUM - CONTINUOUS MAYHEM. JACKIE MOON IS YANKING A FAN'S HAIR. A TALL GUY IS ABOUT TO POUND SHORT LITTLE KONG. BUT NOW KONG JUMPS IN THE AIR AND DOES A SWEET ROUND-HOUSE JUDO KICK, KNOCKING THE TALL GUY TO THE FLOOR. KONG Hi-Ya! MEANWHILE: MONIX AND PETRELLI ARE TRADING HOCKEY PUNCHES... CAMERA MAN And we're back in -5- (Monix punches Petrelli) -4- (Petrelli punches Monix) -3- (Monix punches Petrelli) 52 -2- (Monix ducks and punches) (cuing the announcers) AND WE'RE ON. THE 'RED LIGHT' GLOWS. ON A DIME: EVERYONE STOPS PUNCHING, STANDS UP STRAIGHT AND SMILES. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) Welcome back to the ABA game of the week... Players hold their heads in pain. Others limp back to the bench. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) .The camaraderie and spirit of this league is on full display here tonight... Off camera, Monix delivers a secret punch to Patrelli's spleen. INT. LOCKER ROOM - HALF TIME Jackie runs the half time talk, standing in front of the chalk board. JACKIE MOON Okay, solid first half guys, but we're going to have to make some ADJ-- Monix interrupts Jackie, pissed. He addresses the team, stepping in front of Jackie Moon. MONIX --This is bullshit guys. They're kicking our ass in basketball and they're kicking our ass during the commercials, too. Does anybody here understand the concept of the pick and roll? Because they're going to keep double teaming at the top of the key until somebody rotates the Damn ball... JACKIE MOON Yeah! C'mon guys! Rotate the ball. Monix looks at this group and gets even madder. 53. MONIX Does anyone in this room have any pride? Don't you realize, this is thelast four weeks of basketball anyus are ever going to play?Is thishow we're really going togo out?You'd think we'd want toend ourcareers battling, hustling after every loose ball. Boxing out under the boards. Setting picks for our teammates. But we haven't done shit out there. Twiggy Munson and Scootsie Double-Day hang their heads. MONIX We're a bunch of selfish assholes -- And I've got news for you, we aren't going to finish in fourth, we're going to finish dead last. Monix paces in front of the guys, a man possessed. MONIX One day, you're going to look back on your life... And you're going to look back on this time... And you're going to realize... Monix is staring right at Clarence. And Clarence is actually listening... MONIX .You're going to realize you never even played basketball. A moment of silence after the intensity. Monix waddles to the door. MONIX Now, you guys have fun out there in the second half. If anyone needs me, I'll be in the training room, draining my knee. Monix limps off, everyone's head is hanging low. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY He's right. 54. BEE BEE ELLIS Of course he's right. But what the Hell are we supposed to do about it? We don't even have plays. INT. JACKIE MOON'S OFFICE - DAYS LATER We're back in Flint. Jackie is back in his office, speaking on the phone. JACKIE MOON (into phone) Dukes! | cane | How many times the word 'cane' appears in the text? | 1 |
without looking over... CLARENCE Not everyone sits around dreaming of playing in the NBA, you know. 25. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Maybe not. But you do. TWIGGY MUNSON Yeah, that's all you ever talk about. MONIX You're not jealous, are you Clarence? CLARENCE No one calls me Clarence. BEE BEE ELLIS His name's Downtown. MONIX Okay Downtown. I'll make sure Downtown is only referred to as Downtown, okay Downtown? CLARENCE Don't think I don't know what you're doing. You're doing that thing where you pretend to mean what you say, but you don't. BEE BEE ELLIS Sarcasm. CLARENCE Yeah. How'd you like that sarcasm smacked off your face? MONIX Bring it, funky stuff. BEE BEE ELLIS That's sarcasm, man. He's doing it again! CLARENCE (to Bee Bee) I got this, alright? Monix squares off with a smile that says 'hit me.' Clarence takes off his leather full length and folds it nicely. CLARENCE (in Monix's face) How'd you like a knuckle sandwich? 26. MONIX Knuckle sandwich? Who says that? CLARENCE I do motherfucker. I'm gonna pound you so hard, you're-- MONIX REARS HIS FIST BACK, about to release a strong Popeye HOOK-- CLARENCE WAIT! CLARENCE IMMEDIATELY SWITCHES GEARS, PUTTING HIS HANDS UP LIKE A SCARED LITTLE GIRL. CLARENCE (like a sissy) --WAIT! OKAY? COOL COOL COOL. CHILL OUT, MAN, ALRIGHT? WE'RE COOL-- BAM. MONIX PUNCHES CLARENCE IN THE STOMACH ANYWAY. BEE BEE ELLIS YESSS! I LIKE IT! IT'S OUR OWN TEAM, BUT I LIKE IT. One of the party people, a ball girl, GAYLE, interrupts. GAYLE Excuse me boys. You mind, if I borrow your friend for a minute? INT. DANCE FLOOR - MEANWHILE Jackie is dancing to his own song, still wearing the ice packs on his knees. The song ends and A DIFFERENT ONE STARTS. JACKIE MOON (looking to the DJ) Hold on a second. MELINDA What's wrong? JACKIE MOON Where's the boogie? Jackie fights his way through the crowd to the DJ booth. JACKIE MOON (to DJ, over music) HEY! WHERE'S THE BOOGIE? 27. DJ I ALREADY PLAYED YOUR SONG FOUR TIMES. JACKIE MOON GET UP. DJ NO. YOU CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS, JACKIE. I'M THE DJ. JACKIE MOON (taking over as DJ) NOT ANY MORE. YOU'RE ON SNACK PATROL. SCREECH -- The music stops. JACKIE MOON (into the mic) The year was 1973. A young musician named Jackie Moon, finishes years of musical training, only to find he is a slave to the notes on the page. He knows it's time to break free. In a sudden fit of creative mastery, he grabs a pen and a napkin and writes a song that breaks all the rules. Ladies and gentleman... Let's get sweaty. MUSIC CUE: Jackie's song. Everyone goes crazy. JACKIE MOON (V.0.) (studio version) Baby, who wants to; love me sexy. baby, are you ready to; lick me sexy. Take off your shoes and; suck me sexy. Baby, we're naked and we're; humping sexy-- INT. DAIQUIRI ROOM - NIGHT Gayle and Monix walk upstairs into the 'coolest' room ever. Carpet on the ceiling, a plaid couch, a fish tank, a water bed, mirrors, etc. GAYLE I'm glad they traded for you, I got myself a cute one. MONIX So, this is the Daiquiri room? 28. LUCY MOON (O.S. ) That's right. REVEAL: LUCY MOON, Jackie's wife, is on the couch. She's the hottest girl in the world. LUCY MOON What do you think, Gayle? Does he like it with my boots on, or does he like my boots off? GAYLE He seems like a boots on kind of guy. LUCY MOON Then it looks like I'm ready. As soon as you slide these shorts off of me. MONIX Aren't you Jackie's wife? LUCY MOON He knows about the Daiquiri room. GAYLE It's a new tradition we're starting, when new players join. MONIX I see. Well, I'm going to have to pass. I'm good, thanks. LUCY MOON Honey, you don't know what good is. With that, Lucy flicks on the stereo-- MUSIC CUE: THE BAR KEYS 'TOO HOT TO STOP.' MONIX Listen um... (i.e. what's your name?) GAYLE My name is 'no strings attached.' LUCY MOON You can call me Mrs. Moon. Gayle and Lucy perform a funky/seductive dance, moving closer and closer to Monix. 29. MONIX I don't think this is going to happen, Mrs. Moon. LUCY MOON It has to. GAYLE It's bad luck if you don't. MONIX Yeah, I'd hate to bring bad luck to Flint Michigan. Lucy has sprayed some WHIP CREAM on her nipples. LUCY MOON (whip cream) Why don't you lick these clean for me? MONIX I can't eat dairy. Lucy decides that now is a good time to aggressively KISS him. Monix pushes her away. MONIX Nice tits, Mrs. Moon. I gotta go. Monix walks down the stairs. LUCY MOON (calling after him) I see what this is: You want us to send Eric and Marcus up here? On the way out, Monix flicks her off. INT. LYNN'S HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT Lynn is asleep next to Kyle. She awakes to someone pounding on the door. EXT. LYNN'S FRONT YARD - NIGHT Lynn has arrived at the screen door. Monix, wasted, doesn't notice Lynn yet, he keeps pounding until she opens it. LYNN Why are you here? 30. MONIX I got traded. LYNN I mean, why are you here? MONIX Can we talk? KYLE (O.S.) --Yo, Monix, you're wasted! Ha! Kyle has come out to say hi. MONIX Yeah. Sorry man-- KYLE What's up! That of jump shot of yours ain't broke yet, is it? MONIX No. Ha. KYLE Great back door cut for the lay-up in the third. That's how basketball should be played. MONIX Kyle, can you give us a second? We need to talk. KYLE No problem. Great game tonight man. MONIX Why does your boyfriend like me so much? LYNN You're his favorite player. MONIX Look, there are still some things I think we need to talk about. LYNN I've already said everything I'm ever going to say to you. 31. MONIX I see. (BEAT) Well, I guess I'll be leaving then. Monix walks away... Then turns back. MONIX You're really not going to stop me? LYNN No. Monix walks more, until Lynn speaks. LYNN You're going to end up walking with a cane the rest of your life. You have to quit. MONIX And do what? LYNN I don't know... Kill yourself, I guess. MONIX Kill myself? LYNN You act like there's nothing else in the world besides basketball. If that's how you really feel, then go ahead and get it over with. I'm going to sleep. MONIX Thanks for the pep. talk. LYNN No problem. MONIX Lynn. (she opens the door again) Can I ask you for one favor? LYNN You want a favor? MONIX My knee. 32. LYNN Oh, Jesus Christ Monix. It's 4 a.m. Lynn stares at him in disbelief. Monix shrugs. MONIX No one here can drain it right. LYNN Fine. Monix nods, then makes a move toward the door. LYNN No. You're not coming in. We'll do it in the yard. DISSOLVE TO: INT. JACKIE'S MONTE CARLO - DAYS LATER Jackie drives in his car, practicing for the meeting. tries to build some confidence. JACKIE MOON (into the rear view, very CIVILIZED) Well, hello Commissioner -- Why sure, I would love one of your Puerto Rican cigars -- Oh, I know I'm a legitimate owner, you don't have to tell me that -- We're merging with the NBA? Oh, that's nice -- Ha Ha Ha! Good one, Commish ... EXT. INDIANAPOLIS - CONTINUOUS A brick building on the outskirts of Indianapolis. A sign says. WELCOME ABA OWNERS. Jackie pulls into the lot and parks. He looks in the mirror one last time. JACKIE MOON Your Mom would be proud of you today. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS Not-quite-Rich guys surround a large oak table. JACKIE is by far the youngest of the owners. 33. COMMISH .I'm sure each of you have heard the rumors. And I'm here to tell you, the rumors are true. The ABA will be merging with the NBA at the end of this season. JACKIE MOON YES!!! (to an old guy) GIVE ME TEN, NORTON! YES!! (fists to the ceiling) EVERYONE CAN EAT SHIT! I AM THE GREATEST MAN IN THE WORLD! COMMISH Our league is sold. And the NBA agreed to all of our financial demands! Now Jackie turns inward, more quietly intense. This is, without question, the greatest moment of his life. JACKIE MOON (to himself) You're a real owner. You're in the NBA. COMMISH Four of our teams will be absorbed into the NBA family, the rest of you will terminate operations. JACKIE MOON Exactly! You know it! (now hearing) I'm sorry, wait, what? COMMISH The Nuggets, The Nets, The Spurs and the Pacers will play in the NBA next year. The rest of us will dissolve. JACKIE MOON Dissolve? Dissolve, like, how? How do I dissolve into the NBA? The winning owners look at each other, not sure how to handle Jackie. JACKIE MOON What's happening? 34. COMMISH I'm sorry Jackie. We all know how. emotional you get. We waited until the very last second to tell you. Jackie pounds the table. JACKIE MOON No. NO! NO!!! He kicks over his chair... THE COMMISH We know you're upset, Jackie. But you'll be very well compensated. LOSING OWNER #1 Everyone's agreed to a very large sum. JACKIE MOON I don't want a sum! I want my team! (to the losing owners) C'mon you guys, you're not going to just sit here and take the money, are you? They are. JACKIE MOON (to winning owners) What do the Spurs have that we don't? THE COMMISH A huge fan base. A brand new stadium. A solid economic growth package, including strong tax incentives. JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon, that's BULLSHIT! COMMISH The NBA is taking four teams, Jackie, there's nothing I can do. Jackie goes quiet, thinking... An epic idea hits him. JACKIE MOON The best four teams should go. 35. COMMISH What? JACKIE MOON Forget the huge fan base, the stadiums, the economic... (a little lost) Growing... package... inventions... WINNING OWNER #1 (correcting him) Economic growth pack-- JACKIE MOON I KNOW WHAT I SAID! (to the room) The four teams with the best records should merge. LOSING OWNER #2 He's right. LOSING OWNER #1 Yeah, that's the fairest way. COMMISH These four teams DO have the best records. Flint's only won six games all year! JACKIE MOON So far. The season isn't over. LOSING OWNER #2 Yeah, maybe we should finish the season first. COMMISH This plan sounds like a lot of fun, but it's too late. The commissioner, me, has already decided. LOSING OWNER #2 Actually, the terms of a merger can only be approved by a league mandate. JACKIE MOON YES. That's right. What he said. 36. LOSING OWNER #1 I move that we vote on the terms of the merger. EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NEXT DAY The team sits around the parking lot, sitting on their duffle bags, dejected. Jackie is having a team meeting. JACKIE MOON C'mon you guys, let's try to stay psyched. This is a chance to become a real NBA franchise! CLARENCE There's no way we can make it to fourth place. It's mathematically impossible. JACKIE MOON I ran the numbers. All we have to do is win about eighty-two percent of our remaining games. CLARENCE Eighty-two percent? Isn't that a lot? JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon! We just gotta start hitting our threes. (guys look around, unsure) Listen, I know this seems like bad news, but it doesn't have to be. This is a big road trip for us. We've just got to start playing solid Flint basketball. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY I don't know. We suck, man. JACKIE SLAPS SCOOTSIE. JACKIE MOON (re: The slap) Sorry. JACKIE SLAPS HIM AGAIN, HARDER. JACKIE MOON We do not suck, okay? We just have to want it! 37. Pumped, Jackie walks around with his hands on his hips. BEE BEE ELLIS What do you think, Monix? All eyes turn on the grumpy one. MONIX I think we suck. JACKIE MOON Well... See, now there's some team unity! Now let's load up the jet. REVEAL: A SHITTY SCHOOL BUS has the words 'THE JET!' Spray- painted in graffiti letters with a palm tree next to it. JACKIE MOON (as they load up) Now we've got a special treat. You know I take care of my family. Today, the Jet is catered. I had Downtown's Mom pack us some hot dish. BEE BEE ELLIS Ms. Quincy's hot dish? Sweet! INT. BUS - CONTINUOUS The guys load up. It's so packed it's ridiculous. Everyone tries to stuff their gear somewhere and sit down. Jackie carries a big pot of hot dish, accidentally burning Scootsie's back. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Ah, watch the hot dish, man. JACKIE MOON Sorry Scootsie. TWIGGY MUNSON Hey Jackie, there's some dude out there, wants to talk to you. POV: Out the window, we can see DUKES, the full court shot winner, holding his GIANT CHECK and looking into the bus. He's still shirtless, with a star-spangled headband. EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - MOMENTS LATER Jackie and Dukes are next to the bus, discussing the check. 38. DUKES I tried Jackie. They won't take it. They said it's 'symbolic.' JACKIE MOON What does symbolic mean? DUKES I don't know. But they said I need a real check. JACKIE MOON I don't know what your bank is talking about. That is a real check. I signed it myself. DUKES It's written in glitter, dude. Can't you just give me, like, a regular sized one? JACKIE MOON I don't get it. People are usually able to cash these. Maybe you should try another bank. (trying to wrap it up) If you run into any more trouble, let me know. DUKES Okay Jackie, thanks man. JACKIE MOON Any time, congratulations. Jackie turns away from Dukes and exhales, walking back to the bus. MUSIC CUE: 'SHORT PEOPLE' BY RANDY NEWMAN. EXT. THE HIGHWAY - DAY We're flying down the highway. INT. THE JET - DAY Kong, the small Asian player, is driving, singing along with Jackie to the radio... JACKIE MOON & KONG (singing Randy Newman) SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... 39. SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE Jackie reaches up into a special bin and takes out some beef jerky, then yells out the window. JACKIE (out the window at a car) YOU IN-THE-GREEN-CAR GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE... Pan back to see the whole team crammed into tiny seats. Vakidis has his knees pointing straight toward the ceiling. Twiggy Munson is reading '70's pornography. Clarence is sewing a new name onto his jersey. The rest of the guys are eating their hot dish. MONIX So, Clarence, what's in this 'hot dish' anyway? CLARENCE My Mom cooked your ass a whole Damn meal, why you gotta go asking what's in it? MONIX It's a compliment. It's good. CLARENCE If it's good, then it's good. Why do you gotta know what's in it? What's in hot dish? Hot dish is in hot dish, asshole. BEE BEE and SCOOTSIE look over the seat, facing them. BEE BEE ELLIS Hey Monix, what were the Celtics like? MONIX They were fast. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Fast? No one's faster than me. I should be on the Celtics. MONIX (pointing to his mind) Fast up here. 40. BEE BEE ELLIS You're supposed to be Mr. Smartball. Why'd you get bounced? MONIX Well, you have to be able to jump too. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Hey, let us see that ring again. MONIX Not right now, okay Twiggy? CLARENCE Isn't it a little embarrassing wearing that thing everyday? MONIX Embarrassing? CLARENCE You call yourself a Celtic? You sat through every single playoff game. You didn't see action once. And now you walk around wearing the ice like you're Bill Russel. Well you ain't. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, you're just jealous. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Yeah, Monix played solid minutes, for lots of teams. He's played in the NBA, that's more than you can say. CLARENCE Whatever. At least I never sat on the bench and then called myself a champion. You didn't do shit for that Celtic team. If I was Dave Cowens, I'd yank that ring right off your neck. That was a pretty heated exchange. Monix looks like he's got something to say, but he doesn't. Clarence has the last word. CLARENCE He doesn't wear it on his finger because he knows he didn't earn it. He didn't even play. 41. Monix looks out the window. EXT. ROAD GAME #1 - NIGHT 'The Jet' is parked outside the arena. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) We're just a few minutes away from game one of the Tropic's 6 game road trip. With talk of an NBA merger hitting the league, there's a new electricity surrounding tonight's game... INT. VISITOR'S LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT Jackie addresses his team before tip off. JACKIE MOON Alright. Now, a lot of people out there are writing us off. A lot people are saying things like 'Jackie Moon is an offensive liability.' They're saying 'Flint's turnovers led to sixty fast break points per game.' (Making this up) They're saying 'Bee Bee's retarded brother is so retarded that his eyes look too big,. Like a French Bulldog. BEE BEE ELLIS No one said that, man. JACKIE MOON (trying to motivate) Yes they did. And we're going to use it as motivation, okay? THIS IS OUR TIME! WE'RE GOING TO SHOOT MORE THAN WE'VE EVER SHOT BEFORE! NOW BRING IT IN! READY? ONE TWO THREE- EVERYONE LET'S GET TROPICAL! MONTAGE: FLINT PLAYS HARDER BUT THEY STILL SUCK. GAME 1) JACKIE MOON sprints across the floor tries to get two f eet planted in the lane. It's not even close, JACKIE HAS TAKEN A GUY DOWN HARD. The ref whistles a blocking foul. 42. JACKIE MOON OH, C'MON!? Where's the charge, Father Pat? FATHER PAT THE REF Both feet weren't planted. JACKIE MOON OH, SUCK MY COCK. I WILL MURDER YOUR FAMILY. FATHER PAT THE REF That's it, you're out. JACKIE MOON What!? What did I say? Jackie takes a ball and drop kicks it, PUNTING IT high up into the rafters. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: COLONELS 111 TROPICS 92. GAME 2) MONIX drives the lane, fast and smart -- A no-look pass hits Scootsie Double-Day in the shoulder. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY AH. MY COLLAR BONE! BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: SQUIRES 90 TROPICS 70. GAME 3) CLARENCE and BEE BEE jog back on Defense. CLARENCE I ain't guarding my guy anymore. BEE BEE ELLIS Why not? CLARENCE He's too'Damn sweaty, man. (re: his wet uniform) Look at me. BEE BEE ELLIS Gross. Well, I ain't guarding him. Monix notices this discussion. MONIX Quit talking and play defense! The sweaty guy backs in on Clarence, posting up top. 44. GAME 5) Jackie Moon plays great defense, rejecting a shot! Monix grabs the ball and dribbles on a fast break. Clarence trails, in perfect position... CLARENCE Right on! I'm open baby! Try a behind-the-back! Monix delivers a nice two handed bounce pass, but Clarence isn't ready for anything fundamentally sound -- The ball hits him in the nuts. CLARENCE Ah, shit. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: PIPERS 105 TROPICS 91. EXT. HOTEL STRIP - NIGHT Angle on a big hotel with fancy lights -- but then we pan to reveal: A shitty motel. The 'Jet' is parked at the cheap place. INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Two twin beds in a crap-box motel room. Monix has the phone to his ear, but it just keeps ringing. He'd leave a message for Lynn, but answering machines haven't been invented yet. He hangs up, looks in the mirror, and now takes his Championship ring necklace off. He looks at the ring in his hand... And shoves it into his duffle bag. CLARENCE (O.S.) I brought us some ice. Monix is startled. Clarence, his roommate for the night, enters. MONIX Ice? What for? CLARENCE I don't know, it's free. Clarence takes some ice, pops it in his mouth and starts crunching. CLARENCE Want some? 45. MONIX No thanks. Now BEE BEE enters, yet another player in the small room. BEE BEE ELLIS That Root Beer machine took my fucking change, man. White people are assholes. Monix ignores this. Laying back, he focuses on the TV: THE CELTICS are playing. Their trapping defense is a thing of beauty. Clarence walks over and flicks the channels, until he stops at 'Love American Style.' MONIX You turned off the Celtics? CLARENCE I don't watch people play basketball. They watch me. With that, Clarence pulls out a JOINT and lights it. MONIX (re: the marijuana) What the Hell is that? CLARENCE (as he inhales) It's a fucking Egg-McMuffin. Monix opens the window, clearing the pot smoke out of his face. JACKIE EXITS the bathroom, having just taken a shower. He's wearing a very small robe. This is now the fourth player who's sleeping in this tiny room. MONIX Why don't you shower in your room? JACKIE MOON My wife is using it. I'll be crashing with you guys tonight. (NOTICING) Ice? Awesome. (as he eats ice, re: TV) Love American Style? Turn it up. 46. Jackie doesn't say a word about the pot. Instead he keeps his eyes glued to the TV, then reaches for the joint and SMOKES IT. MONIX Jackie, have you ever even slept with your wife? JACKIE MOON (LYING) What? Are you kidding? Try, like, every weekend. She's so hot. MONIX Sounds like a great arrangement. JACKIE MOON You guys need to wake up. Quit living like it's the 1950's, man. Live it up. (showing off) Hey Clarence, let's have some of that smoke, bro. MONIX I'm pretty sure we have a game tomorrow. JACKIE MOON (as he inhales) This stuff won't affect you. It's premium. Jackie finishes inhaling, then holds it out for Monix. He stares at the joint, then around the room at his teammates. MONIX Well, if this is really going to be my life, I might as well be stoned like everyone else. JACKIE MOON Well said. Monix takes the stupid joint. The instant Monix inhales he COUGHS LIKE CRAZY. MONIX What the Hell is this? CLARENCE What do you mean? 47. MONIX It's harsh. CLARENCE Take that back. MONIX Take what back? JACKIE MOON His Mom grows it. CLARENCE Yeah, in the yard. MONIX Your Mom grew this? CLARENCE It's sweet grass. MONIX Well, I'm finished, thanks. CLARENCE What's wrong, my Mom's weed ain't good enough for you? MONIX I guess not. JACKIE MOON C'mon man, have some respect for his Mom's weed. CLARENCE That's it, I ain't sleeping in the same bed as this motherfucker. INT. AMIGO STADIUM - ROAD TRIP GAME 6 - NEXT NIGHT Television cameras are being set up. A camera man cleans the lens. Jackie studies the cameras, mesmerized by the idea of television. He speaks with the Amigo's manager. AMIGO MANAGER You want all the fans to sit on one side of the stadium? 48. JACKIE MOON Yeah, just move all those people over to this side. (DEMONSTRATING) See, the TV cameras are going to face this way, right? Well, if we fill the seats on that side, we'll look sold out. AMIGO MANAGER Actually, that's not a bad idea. MEANWHILE, ON THE COURT: Both teams are warming up. Clarence now has a new name on his Jersey. There are so many words, there is barely space for a number. It's a mess. CLARENCE (re: Jersey, new name) Check it out. I sewed it on the bus. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY (struggling to read it) What's it say? CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. The asshole, PETRELLI, wanders over near the Tropics side of the court. PETRELLI Yo, Granny Yarn Barn, how's the needle point going? CLARENCE Kiss my ass, Petrelli. PETRELLI (re: the Jersey name) Hey man, I think you spelled 'Flint sucks balls' wrong. (BEAT) This guy's the next Betsy Ross! Aren't you Clarence? The guys laugh. MONIX walks up, defending his teammate. MONIX No one calls him Clarence. His name IS-- (BEAT) What's your name? 49. CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. MONIX His name's Jumping Johnny Johnson. (nose to nose) You got that? Jackie hurries over. JACKIE MOON Alright, break it up. (to his team) Everyone huddle up!... VAKIDIS! OVER HERE. Where is he walking to? (BEAT) Fuck it. Listen up, we're on National TV tonight. And you all know what that means: The league needs a good clean game. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, that's a bunch of dog shit. JACKIE MOON Hey! You guys want to merge or not? Because the fastest way to screw this up is to start punching people in the face while the commissioner is at home, watching the game with his kids... Children are very impressionable. Their minds are not yet soiled by the cruel realities of this world. BEE BEE ELLIS What? JACKIE MOON No punching. Behind the huddle, FANS BEGIN WALKING RIGHT ACROSS THE COURT. Both teams turn to watch this strange thing. The Amigos manager leads the herd, Jackie helps out, directing them across to the other side. JACKIE MOON THAT'S RIGHT, JUST MOVE RIGHT ACROSS- IF YOU COULD JUST FILL IN ALL OF THOSE EMPTY SEATS IN THAT AREA, THAT'D BE GREAT. 50. INT. AMIGO'S STADIUM - LATER The optical illusion has worked. The game does indeed look crowded. The game is in full swing. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) This sold out crowd is loving this one, the Amigos up by twenty-six here in the second. Monix drains a nice jumper, but out of nowhere, Petrelli, the guy we hate, throws a hard shoulder, knocking Monix to the floor. MONIX That's a moving pick Father Pat! C'mon! FATHER PAT THE REF Play on. Monix can't believe it. Petrelli taunts Monix. PETRELLI What's wrong Monix, cat got your 'nads? Monix faces off. JACKIE MOON MONIX! NO! (POINTING) Not with the cameras. (miming the commish') He's watching. Monix looks around and thinks... MONIX What about commercials? JACKIE MOON What? MONIX Commercials, what about commercials? Jackie thinks about this, then nods 'good idea.' JACKIE MOON I like it. Time out Ref! 51. ANNOUNCER (V.0. ) A time out on the floor, 5:20 left before the half, the Amigos 45, the Tropics 19, we'll be right back after this message from Shasta. The camera's on air' red light turns off. CAMERA MAN (rooting them on) And... You're clear. JACKIE MOON SOMEBODY HIT SOMEBODY! BAM! MONIX CLOCKS PETRELLI. BAM! JACKIE MOON PUNCHES ANOTHER GUY. PETRELLI TAKES THE HIT AND TACKLES MONIX. BOTH BENCHES CLEAR. THE CROWD GOES NUTS. INT. THE COMMISSIONER'S HOUSE - MEANWHILE The commissioner relaxes at home with his two kids... A Shasta commercial is on TV. SHASTA COMMERCIAL (V.0.) (on TV) I want a pop... I want a -- Shasta... INT. AMIGO STADIUM - CONTINUOUS MAYHEM. JACKIE MOON IS YANKING A FAN'S HAIR. A TALL GUY IS ABOUT TO POUND SHORT LITTLE KONG. BUT NOW KONG JUMPS IN THE AIR AND DOES A SWEET ROUND-HOUSE JUDO KICK, KNOCKING THE TALL GUY TO THE FLOOR. KONG Hi-Ya! MEANWHILE: MONIX AND PETRELLI ARE TRADING HOCKEY PUNCHES... CAMERA MAN And we're back in -5- (Monix punches Petrelli) -4- (Petrelli punches Monix) -3- (Monix punches Petrelli) 52 -2- (Monix ducks and punches) (cuing the announcers) AND WE'RE ON. THE 'RED LIGHT' GLOWS. ON A DIME: EVERYONE STOPS PUNCHING, STANDS UP STRAIGHT AND SMILES. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) Welcome back to the ABA game of the week... Players hold their heads in pain. Others limp back to the bench. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) .The camaraderie and spirit of this league is on full display here tonight... Off camera, Monix delivers a secret punch to Patrelli's spleen. INT. LOCKER ROOM - HALF TIME Jackie runs the half time talk, standing in front of the chalk board. JACKIE MOON Okay, solid first half guys, but we're going to have to make some ADJ-- Monix interrupts Jackie, pissed. He addresses the team, stepping in front of Jackie Moon. MONIX --This is bullshit guys. They're kicking our ass in basketball and they're kicking our ass during the commercials, too. Does anybody here understand the concept of the pick and roll? Because they're going to keep double teaming at the top of the key until somebody rotates the Damn ball... JACKIE MOON Yeah! C'mon guys! Rotate the ball. Monix looks at this group and gets even madder. 53. MONIX Does anyone in this room have any pride? Don't you realize, this is thelast four weeks of basketball anyus are ever going to play?Is thishow we're really going togo out?You'd think we'd want toend ourcareers battling, hustling after every loose ball. Boxing out under the boards. Setting picks for our teammates. But we haven't done shit out there. Twiggy Munson and Scootsie Double-Day hang their heads. MONIX We're a bunch of selfish assholes -- And I've got news for you, we aren't going to finish in fourth, we're going to finish dead last. Monix paces in front of the guys, a man possessed. MONIX One day, you're going to look back on your life... And you're going to look back on this time... And you're going to realize... Monix is staring right at Clarence. And Clarence is actually listening... MONIX .You're going to realize you never even played basketball. A moment of silence after the intensity. Monix waddles to the door. MONIX Now, you guys have fun out there in the second half. If anyone needs me, I'll be in the training room, draining my knee. Monix limps off, everyone's head is hanging low. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY He's right. 54. BEE BEE ELLIS Of course he's right. But what the Hell are we supposed to do about it? We don't even have plays. INT. JACKIE MOON'S OFFICE - DAYS LATER We're back in Flint. Jackie is back in his office, speaking on the phone. JACKIE MOON (into phone) Dukes! | twiggy | How many times the word 'twiggy' appears in the text? | 3 |
without looking over... CLARENCE Not everyone sits around dreaming of playing in the NBA, you know. 25. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Maybe not. But you do. TWIGGY MUNSON Yeah, that's all you ever talk about. MONIX You're not jealous, are you Clarence? CLARENCE No one calls me Clarence. BEE BEE ELLIS His name's Downtown. MONIX Okay Downtown. I'll make sure Downtown is only referred to as Downtown, okay Downtown? CLARENCE Don't think I don't know what you're doing. You're doing that thing where you pretend to mean what you say, but you don't. BEE BEE ELLIS Sarcasm. CLARENCE Yeah. How'd you like that sarcasm smacked off your face? MONIX Bring it, funky stuff. BEE BEE ELLIS That's sarcasm, man. He's doing it again! CLARENCE (to Bee Bee) I got this, alright? Monix squares off with a smile that says 'hit me.' Clarence takes off his leather full length and folds it nicely. CLARENCE (in Monix's face) How'd you like a knuckle sandwich? 26. MONIX Knuckle sandwich? Who says that? CLARENCE I do motherfucker. I'm gonna pound you so hard, you're-- MONIX REARS HIS FIST BACK, about to release a strong Popeye HOOK-- CLARENCE WAIT! CLARENCE IMMEDIATELY SWITCHES GEARS, PUTTING HIS HANDS UP LIKE A SCARED LITTLE GIRL. CLARENCE (like a sissy) --WAIT! OKAY? COOL COOL COOL. CHILL OUT, MAN, ALRIGHT? WE'RE COOL-- BAM. MONIX PUNCHES CLARENCE IN THE STOMACH ANYWAY. BEE BEE ELLIS YESSS! I LIKE IT! IT'S OUR OWN TEAM, BUT I LIKE IT. One of the party people, a ball girl, GAYLE, interrupts. GAYLE Excuse me boys. You mind, if I borrow your friend for a minute? INT. DANCE FLOOR - MEANWHILE Jackie is dancing to his own song, still wearing the ice packs on his knees. The song ends and A DIFFERENT ONE STARTS. JACKIE MOON (looking to the DJ) Hold on a second. MELINDA What's wrong? JACKIE MOON Where's the boogie? Jackie fights his way through the crowd to the DJ booth. JACKIE MOON (to DJ, over music) HEY! WHERE'S THE BOOGIE? 27. DJ I ALREADY PLAYED YOUR SONG FOUR TIMES. JACKIE MOON GET UP. DJ NO. YOU CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS, JACKIE. I'M THE DJ. JACKIE MOON (taking over as DJ) NOT ANY MORE. YOU'RE ON SNACK PATROL. SCREECH -- The music stops. JACKIE MOON (into the mic) The year was 1973. A young musician named Jackie Moon, finishes years of musical training, only to find he is a slave to the notes on the page. He knows it's time to break free. In a sudden fit of creative mastery, he grabs a pen and a napkin and writes a song that breaks all the rules. Ladies and gentleman... Let's get sweaty. MUSIC CUE: Jackie's song. Everyone goes crazy. JACKIE MOON (V.0.) (studio version) Baby, who wants to; love me sexy. baby, are you ready to; lick me sexy. Take off your shoes and; suck me sexy. Baby, we're naked and we're; humping sexy-- INT. DAIQUIRI ROOM - NIGHT Gayle and Monix walk upstairs into the 'coolest' room ever. Carpet on the ceiling, a plaid couch, a fish tank, a water bed, mirrors, etc. GAYLE I'm glad they traded for you, I got myself a cute one. MONIX So, this is the Daiquiri room? 28. LUCY MOON (O.S. ) That's right. REVEAL: LUCY MOON, Jackie's wife, is on the couch. She's the hottest girl in the world. LUCY MOON What do you think, Gayle? Does he like it with my boots on, or does he like my boots off? GAYLE He seems like a boots on kind of guy. LUCY MOON Then it looks like I'm ready. As soon as you slide these shorts off of me. MONIX Aren't you Jackie's wife? LUCY MOON He knows about the Daiquiri room. GAYLE It's a new tradition we're starting, when new players join. MONIX I see. Well, I'm going to have to pass. I'm good, thanks. LUCY MOON Honey, you don't know what good is. With that, Lucy flicks on the stereo-- MUSIC CUE: THE BAR KEYS 'TOO HOT TO STOP.' MONIX Listen um... (i.e. what's your name?) GAYLE My name is 'no strings attached.' LUCY MOON You can call me Mrs. Moon. Gayle and Lucy perform a funky/seductive dance, moving closer and closer to Monix. 29. MONIX I don't think this is going to happen, Mrs. Moon. LUCY MOON It has to. GAYLE It's bad luck if you don't. MONIX Yeah, I'd hate to bring bad luck to Flint Michigan. Lucy has sprayed some WHIP CREAM on her nipples. LUCY MOON (whip cream) Why don't you lick these clean for me? MONIX I can't eat dairy. Lucy decides that now is a good time to aggressively KISS him. Monix pushes her away. MONIX Nice tits, Mrs. Moon. I gotta go. Monix walks down the stairs. LUCY MOON (calling after him) I see what this is: You want us to send Eric and Marcus up here? On the way out, Monix flicks her off. INT. LYNN'S HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT Lynn is asleep next to Kyle. She awakes to someone pounding on the door. EXT. LYNN'S FRONT YARD - NIGHT Lynn has arrived at the screen door. Monix, wasted, doesn't notice Lynn yet, he keeps pounding until she opens it. LYNN Why are you here? 30. MONIX I got traded. LYNN I mean, why are you here? MONIX Can we talk? KYLE (O.S.) --Yo, Monix, you're wasted! Ha! Kyle has come out to say hi. MONIX Yeah. Sorry man-- KYLE What's up! That of jump shot of yours ain't broke yet, is it? MONIX No. Ha. KYLE Great back door cut for the lay-up in the third. That's how basketball should be played. MONIX Kyle, can you give us a second? We need to talk. KYLE No problem. Great game tonight man. MONIX Why does your boyfriend like me so much? LYNN You're his favorite player. MONIX Look, there are still some things I think we need to talk about. LYNN I've already said everything I'm ever going to say to you. 31. MONIX I see. (BEAT) Well, I guess I'll be leaving then. Monix walks away... Then turns back. MONIX You're really not going to stop me? LYNN No. Monix walks more, until Lynn speaks. LYNN You're going to end up walking with a cane the rest of your life. You have to quit. MONIX And do what? LYNN I don't know... Kill yourself, I guess. MONIX Kill myself? LYNN You act like there's nothing else in the world besides basketball. If that's how you really feel, then go ahead and get it over with. I'm going to sleep. MONIX Thanks for the pep. talk. LYNN No problem. MONIX Lynn. (she opens the door again) Can I ask you for one favor? LYNN You want a favor? MONIX My knee. 32. LYNN Oh, Jesus Christ Monix. It's 4 a.m. Lynn stares at him in disbelief. Monix shrugs. MONIX No one here can drain it right. LYNN Fine. Monix nods, then makes a move toward the door. LYNN No. You're not coming in. We'll do it in the yard. DISSOLVE TO: INT. JACKIE'S MONTE CARLO - DAYS LATER Jackie drives in his car, practicing for the meeting. tries to build some confidence. JACKIE MOON (into the rear view, very CIVILIZED) Well, hello Commissioner -- Why sure, I would love one of your Puerto Rican cigars -- Oh, I know I'm a legitimate owner, you don't have to tell me that -- We're merging with the NBA? Oh, that's nice -- Ha Ha Ha! Good one, Commish ... EXT. INDIANAPOLIS - CONTINUOUS A brick building on the outskirts of Indianapolis. A sign says. WELCOME ABA OWNERS. Jackie pulls into the lot and parks. He looks in the mirror one last time. JACKIE MOON Your Mom would be proud of you today. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS Not-quite-Rich guys surround a large oak table. JACKIE is by far the youngest of the owners. 33. COMMISH .I'm sure each of you have heard the rumors. And I'm here to tell you, the rumors are true. The ABA will be merging with the NBA at the end of this season. JACKIE MOON YES!!! (to an old guy) GIVE ME TEN, NORTON! YES!! (fists to the ceiling) EVERYONE CAN EAT SHIT! I AM THE GREATEST MAN IN THE WORLD! COMMISH Our league is sold. And the NBA agreed to all of our financial demands! Now Jackie turns inward, more quietly intense. This is, without question, the greatest moment of his life. JACKIE MOON (to himself) You're a real owner. You're in the NBA. COMMISH Four of our teams will be absorbed into the NBA family, the rest of you will terminate operations. JACKIE MOON Exactly! You know it! (now hearing) I'm sorry, wait, what? COMMISH The Nuggets, The Nets, The Spurs and the Pacers will play in the NBA next year. The rest of us will dissolve. JACKIE MOON Dissolve? Dissolve, like, how? How do I dissolve into the NBA? The winning owners look at each other, not sure how to handle Jackie. JACKIE MOON What's happening? 34. COMMISH I'm sorry Jackie. We all know how. emotional you get. We waited until the very last second to tell you. Jackie pounds the table. JACKIE MOON No. NO! NO!!! He kicks over his chair... THE COMMISH We know you're upset, Jackie. But you'll be very well compensated. LOSING OWNER #1 Everyone's agreed to a very large sum. JACKIE MOON I don't want a sum! I want my team! (to the losing owners) C'mon you guys, you're not going to just sit here and take the money, are you? They are. JACKIE MOON (to winning owners) What do the Spurs have that we don't? THE COMMISH A huge fan base. A brand new stadium. A solid economic growth package, including strong tax incentives. JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon, that's BULLSHIT! COMMISH The NBA is taking four teams, Jackie, there's nothing I can do. Jackie goes quiet, thinking... An epic idea hits him. JACKIE MOON The best four teams should go. 35. COMMISH What? JACKIE MOON Forget the huge fan base, the stadiums, the economic... (a little lost) Growing... package... inventions... WINNING OWNER #1 (correcting him) Economic growth pack-- JACKIE MOON I KNOW WHAT I SAID! (to the room) The four teams with the best records should merge. LOSING OWNER #2 He's right. LOSING OWNER #1 Yeah, that's the fairest way. COMMISH These four teams DO have the best records. Flint's only won six games all year! JACKIE MOON So far. The season isn't over. LOSING OWNER #2 Yeah, maybe we should finish the season first. COMMISH This plan sounds like a lot of fun, but it's too late. The commissioner, me, has already decided. LOSING OWNER #2 Actually, the terms of a merger can only be approved by a league mandate. JACKIE MOON YES. That's right. What he said. 36. LOSING OWNER #1 I move that we vote on the terms of the merger. EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NEXT DAY The team sits around the parking lot, sitting on their duffle bags, dejected. Jackie is having a team meeting. JACKIE MOON C'mon you guys, let's try to stay psyched. This is a chance to become a real NBA franchise! CLARENCE There's no way we can make it to fourth place. It's mathematically impossible. JACKIE MOON I ran the numbers. All we have to do is win about eighty-two percent of our remaining games. CLARENCE Eighty-two percent? Isn't that a lot? JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon! We just gotta start hitting our threes. (guys look around, unsure) Listen, I know this seems like bad news, but it doesn't have to be. This is a big road trip for us. We've just got to start playing solid Flint basketball. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY I don't know. We suck, man. JACKIE SLAPS SCOOTSIE. JACKIE MOON (re: The slap) Sorry. JACKIE SLAPS HIM AGAIN, HARDER. JACKIE MOON We do not suck, okay? We just have to want it! 37. Pumped, Jackie walks around with his hands on his hips. BEE BEE ELLIS What do you think, Monix? All eyes turn on the grumpy one. MONIX I think we suck. JACKIE MOON Well... See, now there's some team unity! Now let's load up the jet. REVEAL: A SHITTY SCHOOL BUS has the words 'THE JET!' Spray- painted in graffiti letters with a palm tree next to it. JACKIE MOON (as they load up) Now we've got a special treat. You know I take care of my family. Today, the Jet is catered. I had Downtown's Mom pack us some hot dish. BEE BEE ELLIS Ms. Quincy's hot dish? Sweet! INT. BUS - CONTINUOUS The guys load up. It's so packed it's ridiculous. Everyone tries to stuff their gear somewhere and sit down. Jackie carries a big pot of hot dish, accidentally burning Scootsie's back. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Ah, watch the hot dish, man. JACKIE MOON Sorry Scootsie. TWIGGY MUNSON Hey Jackie, there's some dude out there, wants to talk to you. POV: Out the window, we can see DUKES, the full court shot winner, holding his GIANT CHECK and looking into the bus. He's still shirtless, with a star-spangled headband. EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - MOMENTS LATER Jackie and Dukes are next to the bus, discussing the check. 38. DUKES I tried Jackie. They won't take it. They said it's 'symbolic.' JACKIE MOON What does symbolic mean? DUKES I don't know. But they said I need a real check. JACKIE MOON I don't know what your bank is talking about. That is a real check. I signed it myself. DUKES It's written in glitter, dude. Can't you just give me, like, a regular sized one? JACKIE MOON I don't get it. People are usually able to cash these. Maybe you should try another bank. (trying to wrap it up) If you run into any more trouble, let me know. DUKES Okay Jackie, thanks man. JACKIE MOON Any time, congratulations. Jackie turns away from Dukes and exhales, walking back to the bus. MUSIC CUE: 'SHORT PEOPLE' BY RANDY NEWMAN. EXT. THE HIGHWAY - DAY We're flying down the highway. INT. THE JET - DAY Kong, the small Asian player, is driving, singing along with Jackie to the radio... JACKIE MOON & KONG (singing Randy Newman) SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... 39. SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE Jackie reaches up into a special bin and takes out some beef jerky, then yells out the window. JACKIE (out the window at a car) YOU IN-THE-GREEN-CAR GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE... Pan back to see the whole team crammed into tiny seats. Vakidis has his knees pointing straight toward the ceiling. Twiggy Munson is reading '70's pornography. Clarence is sewing a new name onto his jersey. The rest of the guys are eating their hot dish. MONIX So, Clarence, what's in this 'hot dish' anyway? CLARENCE My Mom cooked your ass a whole Damn meal, why you gotta go asking what's in it? MONIX It's a compliment. It's good. CLARENCE If it's good, then it's good. Why do you gotta know what's in it? What's in hot dish? Hot dish is in hot dish, asshole. BEE BEE and SCOOTSIE look over the seat, facing them. BEE BEE ELLIS Hey Monix, what were the Celtics like? MONIX They were fast. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Fast? No one's faster than me. I should be on the Celtics. MONIX (pointing to his mind) Fast up here. 40. BEE BEE ELLIS You're supposed to be Mr. Smartball. Why'd you get bounced? MONIX Well, you have to be able to jump too. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Hey, let us see that ring again. MONIX Not right now, okay Twiggy? CLARENCE Isn't it a little embarrassing wearing that thing everyday? MONIX Embarrassing? CLARENCE You call yourself a Celtic? You sat through every single playoff game. You didn't see action once. And now you walk around wearing the ice like you're Bill Russel. Well you ain't. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, you're just jealous. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Yeah, Monix played solid minutes, for lots of teams. He's played in the NBA, that's more than you can say. CLARENCE Whatever. At least I never sat on the bench and then called myself a champion. You didn't do shit for that Celtic team. If I was Dave Cowens, I'd yank that ring right off your neck. That was a pretty heated exchange. Monix looks like he's got something to say, but he doesn't. Clarence has the last word. CLARENCE He doesn't wear it on his finger because he knows he didn't earn it. He didn't even play. 41. Monix looks out the window. EXT. ROAD GAME #1 - NIGHT 'The Jet' is parked outside the arena. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) We're just a few minutes away from game one of the Tropic's 6 game road trip. With talk of an NBA merger hitting the league, there's a new electricity surrounding tonight's game... INT. VISITOR'S LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT Jackie addresses his team before tip off. JACKIE MOON Alright. Now, a lot of people out there are writing us off. A lot people are saying things like 'Jackie Moon is an offensive liability.' They're saying 'Flint's turnovers led to sixty fast break points per game.' (Making this up) They're saying 'Bee Bee's retarded brother is so retarded that his eyes look too big,. Like a French Bulldog. BEE BEE ELLIS No one said that, man. JACKIE MOON (trying to motivate) Yes they did. And we're going to use it as motivation, okay? THIS IS OUR TIME! WE'RE GOING TO SHOOT MORE THAN WE'VE EVER SHOT BEFORE! NOW BRING IT IN! READY? ONE TWO THREE- EVERYONE LET'S GET TROPICAL! MONTAGE: FLINT PLAYS HARDER BUT THEY STILL SUCK. GAME 1) JACKIE MOON sprints across the floor tries to get two f eet planted in the lane. It's not even close, JACKIE HAS TAKEN A GUY DOWN HARD. The ref whistles a blocking foul. 42. JACKIE MOON OH, C'MON!? Where's the charge, Father Pat? FATHER PAT THE REF Both feet weren't planted. JACKIE MOON OH, SUCK MY COCK. I WILL MURDER YOUR FAMILY. FATHER PAT THE REF That's it, you're out. JACKIE MOON What!? What did I say? Jackie takes a ball and drop kicks it, PUNTING IT high up into the rafters. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: COLONELS 111 TROPICS 92. GAME 2) MONIX drives the lane, fast and smart -- A no-look pass hits Scootsie Double-Day in the shoulder. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY AH. MY COLLAR BONE! BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: SQUIRES 90 TROPICS 70. GAME 3) CLARENCE and BEE BEE jog back on Defense. CLARENCE I ain't guarding my guy anymore. BEE BEE ELLIS Why not? CLARENCE He's too'Damn sweaty, man. (re: his wet uniform) Look at me. BEE BEE ELLIS Gross. Well, I ain't guarding him. Monix notices this discussion. MONIX Quit talking and play defense! The sweaty guy backs in on Clarence, posting up top. 44. GAME 5) Jackie Moon plays great defense, rejecting a shot! Monix grabs the ball and dribbles on a fast break. Clarence trails, in perfect position... CLARENCE Right on! I'm open baby! Try a behind-the-back! Monix delivers a nice two handed bounce pass, but Clarence isn't ready for anything fundamentally sound -- The ball hits him in the nuts. CLARENCE Ah, shit. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: PIPERS 105 TROPICS 91. EXT. HOTEL STRIP - NIGHT Angle on a big hotel with fancy lights -- but then we pan to reveal: A shitty motel. The 'Jet' is parked at the cheap place. INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Two twin beds in a crap-box motel room. Monix has the phone to his ear, but it just keeps ringing. He'd leave a message for Lynn, but answering machines haven't been invented yet. He hangs up, looks in the mirror, and now takes his Championship ring necklace off. He looks at the ring in his hand... And shoves it into his duffle bag. CLARENCE (O.S.) I brought us some ice. Monix is startled. Clarence, his roommate for the night, enters. MONIX Ice? What for? CLARENCE I don't know, it's free. Clarence takes some ice, pops it in his mouth and starts crunching. CLARENCE Want some? 45. MONIX No thanks. Now BEE BEE enters, yet another player in the small room. BEE BEE ELLIS That Root Beer machine took my fucking change, man. White people are assholes. Monix ignores this. Laying back, he focuses on the TV: THE CELTICS are playing. Their trapping defense is a thing of beauty. Clarence walks over and flicks the channels, until he stops at 'Love American Style.' MONIX You turned off the Celtics? CLARENCE I don't watch people play basketball. They watch me. With that, Clarence pulls out a JOINT and lights it. MONIX (re: the marijuana) What the Hell is that? CLARENCE (as he inhales) It's a fucking Egg-McMuffin. Monix opens the window, clearing the pot smoke out of his face. JACKIE EXITS the bathroom, having just taken a shower. He's wearing a very small robe. This is now the fourth player who's sleeping in this tiny room. MONIX Why don't you shower in your room? JACKIE MOON My wife is using it. I'll be crashing with you guys tonight. (NOTICING) Ice? Awesome. (as he eats ice, re: TV) Love American Style? Turn it up. 46. Jackie doesn't say a word about the pot. Instead he keeps his eyes glued to the TV, then reaches for the joint and SMOKES IT. MONIX Jackie, have you ever even slept with your wife? JACKIE MOON (LYING) What? Are you kidding? Try, like, every weekend. She's so hot. MONIX Sounds like a great arrangement. JACKIE MOON You guys need to wake up. Quit living like it's the 1950's, man. Live it up. (showing off) Hey Clarence, let's have some of that smoke, bro. MONIX I'm pretty sure we have a game tomorrow. JACKIE MOON (as he inhales) This stuff won't affect you. It's premium. Jackie finishes inhaling, then holds it out for Monix. He stares at the joint, then around the room at his teammates. MONIX Well, if this is really going to be my life, I might as well be stoned like everyone else. JACKIE MOON Well said. Monix takes the stupid joint. The instant Monix inhales he COUGHS LIKE CRAZY. MONIX What the Hell is this? CLARENCE What do you mean? 47. MONIX It's harsh. CLARENCE Take that back. MONIX Take what back? JACKIE MOON His Mom grows it. CLARENCE Yeah, in the yard. MONIX Your Mom grew this? CLARENCE It's sweet grass. MONIX Well, I'm finished, thanks. CLARENCE What's wrong, my Mom's weed ain't good enough for you? MONIX I guess not. JACKIE MOON C'mon man, have some respect for his Mom's weed. CLARENCE That's it, I ain't sleeping in the same bed as this motherfucker. INT. AMIGO STADIUM - ROAD TRIP GAME 6 - NEXT NIGHT Television cameras are being set up. A camera man cleans the lens. Jackie studies the cameras, mesmerized by the idea of television. He speaks with the Amigo's manager. AMIGO MANAGER You want all the fans to sit on one side of the stadium? 48. JACKIE MOON Yeah, just move all those people over to this side. (DEMONSTRATING) See, the TV cameras are going to face this way, right? Well, if we fill the seats on that side, we'll look sold out. AMIGO MANAGER Actually, that's not a bad idea. MEANWHILE, ON THE COURT: Both teams are warming up. Clarence now has a new name on his Jersey. There are so many words, there is barely space for a number. It's a mess. CLARENCE (re: Jersey, new name) Check it out. I sewed it on the bus. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY (struggling to read it) What's it say? CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. The asshole, PETRELLI, wanders over near the Tropics side of the court. PETRELLI Yo, Granny Yarn Barn, how's the needle point going? CLARENCE Kiss my ass, Petrelli. PETRELLI (re: the Jersey name) Hey man, I think you spelled 'Flint sucks balls' wrong. (BEAT) This guy's the next Betsy Ross! Aren't you Clarence? The guys laugh. MONIX walks up, defending his teammate. MONIX No one calls him Clarence. His name IS-- (BEAT) What's your name? 49. CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. MONIX His name's Jumping Johnny Johnson. (nose to nose) You got that? Jackie hurries over. JACKIE MOON Alright, break it up. (to his team) Everyone huddle up!... VAKIDIS! OVER HERE. Where is he walking to? (BEAT) Fuck it. Listen up, we're on National TV tonight. And you all know what that means: The league needs a good clean game. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, that's a bunch of dog shit. JACKIE MOON Hey! You guys want to merge or not? Because the fastest way to screw this up is to start punching people in the face while the commissioner is at home, watching the game with his kids... Children are very impressionable. Their minds are not yet soiled by the cruel realities of this world. BEE BEE ELLIS What? JACKIE MOON No punching. Behind the huddle, FANS BEGIN WALKING RIGHT ACROSS THE COURT. Both teams turn to watch this strange thing. The Amigos manager leads the herd, Jackie helps out, directing them across to the other side. JACKIE MOON THAT'S RIGHT, JUST MOVE RIGHT ACROSS- IF YOU COULD JUST FILL IN ALL OF THOSE EMPTY SEATS IN THAT AREA, THAT'D BE GREAT. 50. INT. AMIGO'S STADIUM - LATER The optical illusion has worked. The game does indeed look crowded. The game is in full swing. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) This sold out crowd is loving this one, the Amigos up by twenty-six here in the second. Monix drains a nice jumper, but out of nowhere, Petrelli, the guy we hate, throws a hard shoulder, knocking Monix to the floor. MONIX That's a moving pick Father Pat! C'mon! FATHER PAT THE REF Play on. Monix can't believe it. Petrelli taunts Monix. PETRELLI What's wrong Monix, cat got your 'nads? Monix faces off. JACKIE MOON MONIX! NO! (POINTING) Not with the cameras. (miming the commish') He's watching. Monix looks around and thinks... MONIX What about commercials? JACKIE MOON What? MONIX Commercials, what about commercials? Jackie thinks about this, then nods 'good idea.' JACKIE MOON I like it. Time out Ref! 51. ANNOUNCER (V.0. ) A time out on the floor, 5:20 left before the half, the Amigos 45, the Tropics 19, we'll be right back after this message from Shasta. The camera's on air' red light turns off. CAMERA MAN (rooting them on) And... You're clear. JACKIE MOON SOMEBODY HIT SOMEBODY! BAM! MONIX CLOCKS PETRELLI. BAM! JACKIE MOON PUNCHES ANOTHER GUY. PETRELLI TAKES THE HIT AND TACKLES MONIX. BOTH BENCHES CLEAR. THE CROWD GOES NUTS. INT. THE COMMISSIONER'S HOUSE - MEANWHILE The commissioner relaxes at home with his two kids... A Shasta commercial is on TV. SHASTA COMMERCIAL (V.0.) (on TV) I want a pop... I want a -- Shasta... INT. AMIGO STADIUM - CONTINUOUS MAYHEM. JACKIE MOON IS YANKING A FAN'S HAIR. A TALL GUY IS ABOUT TO POUND SHORT LITTLE KONG. BUT NOW KONG JUMPS IN THE AIR AND DOES A SWEET ROUND-HOUSE JUDO KICK, KNOCKING THE TALL GUY TO THE FLOOR. KONG Hi-Ya! MEANWHILE: MONIX AND PETRELLI ARE TRADING HOCKEY PUNCHES... CAMERA MAN And we're back in -5- (Monix punches Petrelli) -4- (Petrelli punches Monix) -3- (Monix punches Petrelli) 52 -2- (Monix ducks and punches) (cuing the announcers) AND WE'RE ON. THE 'RED LIGHT' GLOWS. ON A DIME: EVERYONE STOPS PUNCHING, STANDS UP STRAIGHT AND SMILES. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) Welcome back to the ABA game of the week... Players hold their heads in pain. Others limp back to the bench. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) .The camaraderie and spirit of this league is on full display here tonight... Off camera, Monix delivers a secret punch to Patrelli's spleen. INT. LOCKER ROOM - HALF TIME Jackie runs the half time talk, standing in front of the chalk board. JACKIE MOON Okay, solid first half guys, but we're going to have to make some ADJ-- Monix interrupts Jackie, pissed. He addresses the team, stepping in front of Jackie Moon. MONIX --This is bullshit guys. They're kicking our ass in basketball and they're kicking our ass during the commercials, too. Does anybody here understand the concept of the pick and roll? Because they're going to keep double teaming at the top of the key until somebody rotates the Damn ball... JACKIE MOON Yeah! C'mon guys! Rotate the ball. Monix looks at this group and gets even madder. 53. MONIX Does anyone in this room have any pride? Don't you realize, this is thelast four weeks of basketball anyus are ever going to play?Is thishow we're really going togo out?You'd think we'd want toend ourcareers battling, hustling after every loose ball. Boxing out under the boards. Setting picks for our teammates. But we haven't done shit out there. Twiggy Munson and Scootsie Double-Day hang their heads. MONIX We're a bunch of selfish assholes -- And I've got news for you, we aren't going to finish in fourth, we're going to finish dead last. Monix paces in front of the guys, a man possessed. MONIX One day, you're going to look back on your life... And you're going to look back on this time... And you're going to realize... Monix is staring right at Clarence. And Clarence is actually listening... MONIX .You're going to realize you never even played basketball. A moment of silence after the intensity. Monix waddles to the door. MONIX Now, you guys have fun out there in the second half. If anyone needs me, I'll be in the training room, draining my knee. Monix limps off, everyone's head is hanging low. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY He's right. 54. BEE BEE ELLIS Of course he's right. But what the Hell are we supposed to do about it? We don't even have plays. INT. JACKIE MOON'S OFFICE - DAYS LATER We're back in Flint. Jackie is back in his office, speaking on the phone. JACKIE MOON (into phone) Dukes! | requires | How many times the word 'requires' appears in the text? | 0 |
without looking over... CLARENCE Not everyone sits around dreaming of playing in the NBA, you know. 25. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Maybe not. But you do. TWIGGY MUNSON Yeah, that's all you ever talk about. MONIX You're not jealous, are you Clarence? CLARENCE No one calls me Clarence. BEE BEE ELLIS His name's Downtown. MONIX Okay Downtown. I'll make sure Downtown is only referred to as Downtown, okay Downtown? CLARENCE Don't think I don't know what you're doing. You're doing that thing where you pretend to mean what you say, but you don't. BEE BEE ELLIS Sarcasm. CLARENCE Yeah. How'd you like that sarcasm smacked off your face? MONIX Bring it, funky stuff. BEE BEE ELLIS That's sarcasm, man. He's doing it again! CLARENCE (to Bee Bee) I got this, alright? Monix squares off with a smile that says 'hit me.' Clarence takes off his leather full length and folds it nicely. CLARENCE (in Monix's face) How'd you like a knuckle sandwich? 26. MONIX Knuckle sandwich? Who says that? CLARENCE I do motherfucker. I'm gonna pound you so hard, you're-- MONIX REARS HIS FIST BACK, about to release a strong Popeye HOOK-- CLARENCE WAIT! CLARENCE IMMEDIATELY SWITCHES GEARS, PUTTING HIS HANDS UP LIKE A SCARED LITTLE GIRL. CLARENCE (like a sissy) --WAIT! OKAY? COOL COOL COOL. CHILL OUT, MAN, ALRIGHT? WE'RE COOL-- BAM. MONIX PUNCHES CLARENCE IN THE STOMACH ANYWAY. BEE BEE ELLIS YESSS! I LIKE IT! IT'S OUR OWN TEAM, BUT I LIKE IT. One of the party people, a ball girl, GAYLE, interrupts. GAYLE Excuse me boys. You mind, if I borrow your friend for a minute? INT. DANCE FLOOR - MEANWHILE Jackie is dancing to his own song, still wearing the ice packs on his knees. The song ends and A DIFFERENT ONE STARTS. JACKIE MOON (looking to the DJ) Hold on a second. MELINDA What's wrong? JACKIE MOON Where's the boogie? Jackie fights his way through the crowd to the DJ booth. JACKIE MOON (to DJ, over music) HEY! WHERE'S THE BOOGIE? 27. DJ I ALREADY PLAYED YOUR SONG FOUR TIMES. JACKIE MOON GET UP. DJ NO. YOU CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS, JACKIE. I'M THE DJ. JACKIE MOON (taking over as DJ) NOT ANY MORE. YOU'RE ON SNACK PATROL. SCREECH -- The music stops. JACKIE MOON (into the mic) The year was 1973. A young musician named Jackie Moon, finishes years of musical training, only to find he is a slave to the notes on the page. He knows it's time to break free. In a sudden fit of creative mastery, he grabs a pen and a napkin and writes a song that breaks all the rules. Ladies and gentleman... Let's get sweaty. MUSIC CUE: Jackie's song. Everyone goes crazy. JACKIE MOON (V.0.) (studio version) Baby, who wants to; love me sexy. baby, are you ready to; lick me sexy. Take off your shoes and; suck me sexy. Baby, we're naked and we're; humping sexy-- INT. DAIQUIRI ROOM - NIGHT Gayle and Monix walk upstairs into the 'coolest' room ever. Carpet on the ceiling, a plaid couch, a fish tank, a water bed, mirrors, etc. GAYLE I'm glad they traded for you, I got myself a cute one. MONIX So, this is the Daiquiri room? 28. LUCY MOON (O.S. ) That's right. REVEAL: LUCY MOON, Jackie's wife, is on the couch. She's the hottest girl in the world. LUCY MOON What do you think, Gayle? Does he like it with my boots on, or does he like my boots off? GAYLE He seems like a boots on kind of guy. LUCY MOON Then it looks like I'm ready. As soon as you slide these shorts off of me. MONIX Aren't you Jackie's wife? LUCY MOON He knows about the Daiquiri room. GAYLE It's a new tradition we're starting, when new players join. MONIX I see. Well, I'm going to have to pass. I'm good, thanks. LUCY MOON Honey, you don't know what good is. With that, Lucy flicks on the stereo-- MUSIC CUE: THE BAR KEYS 'TOO HOT TO STOP.' MONIX Listen um... (i.e. what's your name?) GAYLE My name is 'no strings attached.' LUCY MOON You can call me Mrs. Moon. Gayle and Lucy perform a funky/seductive dance, moving closer and closer to Monix. 29. MONIX I don't think this is going to happen, Mrs. Moon. LUCY MOON It has to. GAYLE It's bad luck if you don't. MONIX Yeah, I'd hate to bring bad luck to Flint Michigan. Lucy has sprayed some WHIP CREAM on her nipples. LUCY MOON (whip cream) Why don't you lick these clean for me? MONIX I can't eat dairy. Lucy decides that now is a good time to aggressively KISS him. Monix pushes her away. MONIX Nice tits, Mrs. Moon. I gotta go. Monix walks down the stairs. LUCY MOON (calling after him) I see what this is: You want us to send Eric and Marcus up here? On the way out, Monix flicks her off. INT. LYNN'S HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT Lynn is asleep next to Kyle. She awakes to someone pounding on the door. EXT. LYNN'S FRONT YARD - NIGHT Lynn has arrived at the screen door. Monix, wasted, doesn't notice Lynn yet, he keeps pounding until she opens it. LYNN Why are you here? 30. MONIX I got traded. LYNN I mean, why are you here? MONIX Can we talk? KYLE (O.S.) --Yo, Monix, you're wasted! Ha! Kyle has come out to say hi. MONIX Yeah. Sorry man-- KYLE What's up! That of jump shot of yours ain't broke yet, is it? MONIX No. Ha. KYLE Great back door cut for the lay-up in the third. That's how basketball should be played. MONIX Kyle, can you give us a second? We need to talk. KYLE No problem. Great game tonight man. MONIX Why does your boyfriend like me so much? LYNN You're his favorite player. MONIX Look, there are still some things I think we need to talk about. LYNN I've already said everything I'm ever going to say to you. 31. MONIX I see. (BEAT) Well, I guess I'll be leaving then. Monix walks away... Then turns back. MONIX You're really not going to stop me? LYNN No. Monix walks more, until Lynn speaks. LYNN You're going to end up walking with a cane the rest of your life. You have to quit. MONIX And do what? LYNN I don't know... Kill yourself, I guess. MONIX Kill myself? LYNN You act like there's nothing else in the world besides basketball. If that's how you really feel, then go ahead and get it over with. I'm going to sleep. MONIX Thanks for the pep. talk. LYNN No problem. MONIX Lynn. (she opens the door again) Can I ask you for one favor? LYNN You want a favor? MONIX My knee. 32. LYNN Oh, Jesus Christ Monix. It's 4 a.m. Lynn stares at him in disbelief. Monix shrugs. MONIX No one here can drain it right. LYNN Fine. Monix nods, then makes a move toward the door. LYNN No. You're not coming in. We'll do it in the yard. DISSOLVE TO: INT. JACKIE'S MONTE CARLO - DAYS LATER Jackie drives in his car, practicing for the meeting. tries to build some confidence. JACKIE MOON (into the rear view, very CIVILIZED) Well, hello Commissioner -- Why sure, I would love one of your Puerto Rican cigars -- Oh, I know I'm a legitimate owner, you don't have to tell me that -- We're merging with the NBA? Oh, that's nice -- Ha Ha Ha! Good one, Commish ... EXT. INDIANAPOLIS - CONTINUOUS A brick building on the outskirts of Indianapolis. A sign says. WELCOME ABA OWNERS. Jackie pulls into the lot and parks. He looks in the mirror one last time. JACKIE MOON Your Mom would be proud of you today. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS Not-quite-Rich guys surround a large oak table. JACKIE is by far the youngest of the owners. 33. COMMISH .I'm sure each of you have heard the rumors. And I'm here to tell you, the rumors are true. The ABA will be merging with the NBA at the end of this season. JACKIE MOON YES!!! (to an old guy) GIVE ME TEN, NORTON! YES!! (fists to the ceiling) EVERYONE CAN EAT SHIT! I AM THE GREATEST MAN IN THE WORLD! COMMISH Our league is sold. And the NBA agreed to all of our financial demands! Now Jackie turns inward, more quietly intense. This is, without question, the greatest moment of his life. JACKIE MOON (to himself) You're a real owner. You're in the NBA. COMMISH Four of our teams will be absorbed into the NBA family, the rest of you will terminate operations. JACKIE MOON Exactly! You know it! (now hearing) I'm sorry, wait, what? COMMISH The Nuggets, The Nets, The Spurs and the Pacers will play in the NBA next year. The rest of us will dissolve. JACKIE MOON Dissolve? Dissolve, like, how? How do I dissolve into the NBA? The winning owners look at each other, not sure how to handle Jackie. JACKIE MOON What's happening? 34. COMMISH I'm sorry Jackie. We all know how. emotional you get. We waited until the very last second to tell you. Jackie pounds the table. JACKIE MOON No. NO! NO!!! He kicks over his chair... THE COMMISH We know you're upset, Jackie. But you'll be very well compensated. LOSING OWNER #1 Everyone's agreed to a very large sum. JACKIE MOON I don't want a sum! I want my team! (to the losing owners) C'mon you guys, you're not going to just sit here and take the money, are you? They are. JACKIE MOON (to winning owners) What do the Spurs have that we don't? THE COMMISH A huge fan base. A brand new stadium. A solid economic growth package, including strong tax incentives. JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon, that's BULLSHIT! COMMISH The NBA is taking four teams, Jackie, there's nothing I can do. Jackie goes quiet, thinking... An epic idea hits him. JACKIE MOON The best four teams should go. 35. COMMISH What? JACKIE MOON Forget the huge fan base, the stadiums, the economic... (a little lost) Growing... package... inventions... WINNING OWNER #1 (correcting him) Economic growth pack-- JACKIE MOON I KNOW WHAT I SAID! (to the room) The four teams with the best records should merge. LOSING OWNER #2 He's right. LOSING OWNER #1 Yeah, that's the fairest way. COMMISH These four teams DO have the best records. Flint's only won six games all year! JACKIE MOON So far. The season isn't over. LOSING OWNER #2 Yeah, maybe we should finish the season first. COMMISH This plan sounds like a lot of fun, but it's too late. The commissioner, me, has already decided. LOSING OWNER #2 Actually, the terms of a merger can only be approved by a league mandate. JACKIE MOON YES. That's right. What he said. 36. LOSING OWNER #1 I move that we vote on the terms of the merger. EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NEXT DAY The team sits around the parking lot, sitting on their duffle bags, dejected. Jackie is having a team meeting. JACKIE MOON C'mon you guys, let's try to stay psyched. This is a chance to become a real NBA franchise! CLARENCE There's no way we can make it to fourth place. It's mathematically impossible. JACKIE MOON I ran the numbers. All we have to do is win about eighty-two percent of our remaining games. CLARENCE Eighty-two percent? Isn't that a lot? JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon! We just gotta start hitting our threes. (guys look around, unsure) Listen, I know this seems like bad news, but it doesn't have to be. This is a big road trip for us. We've just got to start playing solid Flint basketball. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY I don't know. We suck, man. JACKIE SLAPS SCOOTSIE. JACKIE MOON (re: The slap) Sorry. JACKIE SLAPS HIM AGAIN, HARDER. JACKIE MOON We do not suck, okay? We just have to want it! 37. Pumped, Jackie walks around with his hands on his hips. BEE BEE ELLIS What do you think, Monix? All eyes turn on the grumpy one. MONIX I think we suck. JACKIE MOON Well... See, now there's some team unity! Now let's load up the jet. REVEAL: A SHITTY SCHOOL BUS has the words 'THE JET!' Spray- painted in graffiti letters with a palm tree next to it. JACKIE MOON (as they load up) Now we've got a special treat. You know I take care of my family. Today, the Jet is catered. I had Downtown's Mom pack us some hot dish. BEE BEE ELLIS Ms. Quincy's hot dish? Sweet! INT. BUS - CONTINUOUS The guys load up. It's so packed it's ridiculous. Everyone tries to stuff their gear somewhere and sit down. Jackie carries a big pot of hot dish, accidentally burning Scootsie's back. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Ah, watch the hot dish, man. JACKIE MOON Sorry Scootsie. TWIGGY MUNSON Hey Jackie, there's some dude out there, wants to talk to you. POV: Out the window, we can see DUKES, the full court shot winner, holding his GIANT CHECK and looking into the bus. He's still shirtless, with a star-spangled headband. EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - MOMENTS LATER Jackie and Dukes are next to the bus, discussing the check. 38. DUKES I tried Jackie. They won't take it. They said it's 'symbolic.' JACKIE MOON What does symbolic mean? DUKES I don't know. But they said I need a real check. JACKIE MOON I don't know what your bank is talking about. That is a real check. I signed it myself. DUKES It's written in glitter, dude. Can't you just give me, like, a regular sized one? JACKIE MOON I don't get it. People are usually able to cash these. Maybe you should try another bank. (trying to wrap it up) If you run into any more trouble, let me know. DUKES Okay Jackie, thanks man. JACKIE MOON Any time, congratulations. Jackie turns away from Dukes and exhales, walking back to the bus. MUSIC CUE: 'SHORT PEOPLE' BY RANDY NEWMAN. EXT. THE HIGHWAY - DAY We're flying down the highway. INT. THE JET - DAY Kong, the small Asian player, is driving, singing along with Jackie to the radio... JACKIE MOON & KONG (singing Randy Newman) SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... 39. SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE Jackie reaches up into a special bin and takes out some beef jerky, then yells out the window. JACKIE (out the window at a car) YOU IN-THE-GREEN-CAR GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE... Pan back to see the whole team crammed into tiny seats. Vakidis has his knees pointing straight toward the ceiling. Twiggy Munson is reading '70's pornography. Clarence is sewing a new name onto his jersey. The rest of the guys are eating their hot dish. MONIX So, Clarence, what's in this 'hot dish' anyway? CLARENCE My Mom cooked your ass a whole Damn meal, why you gotta go asking what's in it? MONIX It's a compliment. It's good. CLARENCE If it's good, then it's good. Why do you gotta know what's in it? What's in hot dish? Hot dish is in hot dish, asshole. BEE BEE and SCOOTSIE look over the seat, facing them. BEE BEE ELLIS Hey Monix, what were the Celtics like? MONIX They were fast. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Fast? No one's faster than me. I should be on the Celtics. MONIX (pointing to his mind) Fast up here. 40. BEE BEE ELLIS You're supposed to be Mr. Smartball. Why'd you get bounced? MONIX Well, you have to be able to jump too. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Hey, let us see that ring again. MONIX Not right now, okay Twiggy? CLARENCE Isn't it a little embarrassing wearing that thing everyday? MONIX Embarrassing? CLARENCE You call yourself a Celtic? You sat through every single playoff game. You didn't see action once. And now you walk around wearing the ice like you're Bill Russel. Well you ain't. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, you're just jealous. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Yeah, Monix played solid minutes, for lots of teams. He's played in the NBA, that's more than you can say. CLARENCE Whatever. At least I never sat on the bench and then called myself a champion. You didn't do shit for that Celtic team. If I was Dave Cowens, I'd yank that ring right off your neck. That was a pretty heated exchange. Monix looks like he's got something to say, but he doesn't. Clarence has the last word. CLARENCE He doesn't wear it on his finger because he knows he didn't earn it. He didn't even play. 41. Monix looks out the window. EXT. ROAD GAME #1 - NIGHT 'The Jet' is parked outside the arena. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) We're just a few minutes away from game one of the Tropic's 6 game road trip. With talk of an NBA merger hitting the league, there's a new electricity surrounding tonight's game... INT. VISITOR'S LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT Jackie addresses his team before tip off. JACKIE MOON Alright. Now, a lot of people out there are writing us off. A lot people are saying things like 'Jackie Moon is an offensive liability.' They're saying 'Flint's turnovers led to sixty fast break points per game.' (Making this up) They're saying 'Bee Bee's retarded brother is so retarded that his eyes look too big,. Like a French Bulldog. BEE BEE ELLIS No one said that, man. JACKIE MOON (trying to motivate) Yes they did. And we're going to use it as motivation, okay? THIS IS OUR TIME! WE'RE GOING TO SHOOT MORE THAN WE'VE EVER SHOT BEFORE! NOW BRING IT IN! READY? ONE TWO THREE- EVERYONE LET'S GET TROPICAL! MONTAGE: FLINT PLAYS HARDER BUT THEY STILL SUCK. GAME 1) JACKIE MOON sprints across the floor tries to get two f eet planted in the lane. It's not even close, JACKIE HAS TAKEN A GUY DOWN HARD. The ref whistles a blocking foul. 42. JACKIE MOON OH, C'MON!? Where's the charge, Father Pat? FATHER PAT THE REF Both feet weren't planted. JACKIE MOON OH, SUCK MY COCK. I WILL MURDER YOUR FAMILY. FATHER PAT THE REF That's it, you're out. JACKIE MOON What!? What did I say? Jackie takes a ball and drop kicks it, PUNTING IT high up into the rafters. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: COLONELS 111 TROPICS 92. GAME 2) MONIX drives the lane, fast and smart -- A no-look pass hits Scootsie Double-Day in the shoulder. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY AH. MY COLLAR BONE! BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: SQUIRES 90 TROPICS 70. GAME 3) CLARENCE and BEE BEE jog back on Defense. CLARENCE I ain't guarding my guy anymore. BEE BEE ELLIS Why not? CLARENCE He's too'Damn sweaty, man. (re: his wet uniform) Look at me. BEE BEE ELLIS Gross. Well, I ain't guarding him. Monix notices this discussion. MONIX Quit talking and play defense! The sweaty guy backs in on Clarence, posting up top. 44. GAME 5) Jackie Moon plays great defense, rejecting a shot! Monix grabs the ball and dribbles on a fast break. Clarence trails, in perfect position... CLARENCE Right on! I'm open baby! Try a behind-the-back! Monix delivers a nice two handed bounce pass, but Clarence isn't ready for anything fundamentally sound -- The ball hits him in the nuts. CLARENCE Ah, shit. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: PIPERS 105 TROPICS 91. EXT. HOTEL STRIP - NIGHT Angle on a big hotel with fancy lights -- but then we pan to reveal: A shitty motel. The 'Jet' is parked at the cheap place. INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Two twin beds in a crap-box motel room. Monix has the phone to his ear, but it just keeps ringing. He'd leave a message for Lynn, but answering machines haven't been invented yet. He hangs up, looks in the mirror, and now takes his Championship ring necklace off. He looks at the ring in his hand... And shoves it into his duffle bag. CLARENCE (O.S.) I brought us some ice. Monix is startled. Clarence, his roommate for the night, enters. MONIX Ice? What for? CLARENCE I don't know, it's free. Clarence takes some ice, pops it in his mouth and starts crunching. CLARENCE Want some? 45. MONIX No thanks. Now BEE BEE enters, yet another player in the small room. BEE BEE ELLIS That Root Beer machine took my fucking change, man. White people are assholes. Monix ignores this. Laying back, he focuses on the TV: THE CELTICS are playing. Their trapping defense is a thing of beauty. Clarence walks over and flicks the channels, until he stops at 'Love American Style.' MONIX You turned off the Celtics? CLARENCE I don't watch people play basketball. They watch me. With that, Clarence pulls out a JOINT and lights it. MONIX (re: the marijuana) What the Hell is that? CLARENCE (as he inhales) It's a fucking Egg-McMuffin. Monix opens the window, clearing the pot smoke out of his face. JACKIE EXITS the bathroom, having just taken a shower. He's wearing a very small robe. This is now the fourth player who's sleeping in this tiny room. MONIX Why don't you shower in your room? JACKIE MOON My wife is using it. I'll be crashing with you guys tonight. (NOTICING) Ice? Awesome. (as he eats ice, re: TV) Love American Style? Turn it up. 46. Jackie doesn't say a word about the pot. Instead he keeps his eyes glued to the TV, then reaches for the joint and SMOKES IT. MONIX Jackie, have you ever even slept with your wife? JACKIE MOON (LYING) What? Are you kidding? Try, like, every weekend. She's so hot. MONIX Sounds like a great arrangement. JACKIE MOON You guys need to wake up. Quit living like it's the 1950's, man. Live it up. (showing off) Hey Clarence, let's have some of that smoke, bro. MONIX I'm pretty sure we have a game tomorrow. JACKIE MOON (as he inhales) This stuff won't affect you. It's premium. Jackie finishes inhaling, then holds it out for Monix. He stares at the joint, then around the room at his teammates. MONIX Well, if this is really going to be my life, I might as well be stoned like everyone else. JACKIE MOON Well said. Monix takes the stupid joint. The instant Monix inhales he COUGHS LIKE CRAZY. MONIX What the Hell is this? CLARENCE What do you mean? 47. MONIX It's harsh. CLARENCE Take that back. MONIX Take what back? JACKIE MOON His Mom grows it. CLARENCE Yeah, in the yard. MONIX Your Mom grew this? CLARENCE It's sweet grass. MONIX Well, I'm finished, thanks. CLARENCE What's wrong, my Mom's weed ain't good enough for you? MONIX I guess not. JACKIE MOON C'mon man, have some respect for his Mom's weed. CLARENCE That's it, I ain't sleeping in the same bed as this motherfucker. INT. AMIGO STADIUM - ROAD TRIP GAME 6 - NEXT NIGHT Television cameras are being set up. A camera man cleans the lens. Jackie studies the cameras, mesmerized by the idea of television. He speaks with the Amigo's manager. AMIGO MANAGER You want all the fans to sit on one side of the stadium? 48. JACKIE MOON Yeah, just move all those people over to this side. (DEMONSTRATING) See, the TV cameras are going to face this way, right? Well, if we fill the seats on that side, we'll look sold out. AMIGO MANAGER Actually, that's not a bad idea. MEANWHILE, ON THE COURT: Both teams are warming up. Clarence now has a new name on his Jersey. There are so many words, there is barely space for a number. It's a mess. CLARENCE (re: Jersey, new name) Check it out. I sewed it on the bus. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY (struggling to read it) What's it say? CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. The asshole, PETRELLI, wanders over near the Tropics side of the court. PETRELLI Yo, Granny Yarn Barn, how's the needle point going? CLARENCE Kiss my ass, Petrelli. PETRELLI (re: the Jersey name) Hey man, I think you spelled 'Flint sucks balls' wrong. (BEAT) This guy's the next Betsy Ross! Aren't you Clarence? The guys laugh. MONIX walks up, defending his teammate. MONIX No one calls him Clarence. His name IS-- (BEAT) What's your name? 49. CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. MONIX His name's Jumping Johnny Johnson. (nose to nose) You got that? Jackie hurries over. JACKIE MOON Alright, break it up. (to his team) Everyone huddle up!... VAKIDIS! OVER HERE. Where is he walking to? (BEAT) Fuck it. Listen up, we're on National TV tonight. And you all know what that means: The league needs a good clean game. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, that's a bunch of dog shit. JACKIE MOON Hey! You guys want to merge or not? Because the fastest way to screw this up is to start punching people in the face while the commissioner is at home, watching the game with his kids... Children are very impressionable. Their minds are not yet soiled by the cruel realities of this world. BEE BEE ELLIS What? JACKIE MOON No punching. Behind the huddle, FANS BEGIN WALKING RIGHT ACROSS THE COURT. Both teams turn to watch this strange thing. The Amigos manager leads the herd, Jackie helps out, directing them across to the other side. JACKIE MOON THAT'S RIGHT, JUST MOVE RIGHT ACROSS- IF YOU COULD JUST FILL IN ALL OF THOSE EMPTY SEATS IN THAT AREA, THAT'D BE GREAT. 50. INT. AMIGO'S STADIUM - LATER The optical illusion has worked. The game does indeed look crowded. The game is in full swing. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) This sold out crowd is loving this one, the Amigos up by twenty-six here in the second. Monix drains a nice jumper, but out of nowhere, Petrelli, the guy we hate, throws a hard shoulder, knocking Monix to the floor. MONIX That's a moving pick Father Pat! C'mon! FATHER PAT THE REF Play on. Monix can't believe it. Petrelli taunts Monix. PETRELLI What's wrong Monix, cat got your 'nads? Monix faces off. JACKIE MOON MONIX! NO! (POINTING) Not with the cameras. (miming the commish') He's watching. Monix looks around and thinks... MONIX What about commercials? JACKIE MOON What? MONIX Commercials, what about commercials? Jackie thinks about this, then nods 'good idea.' JACKIE MOON I like it. Time out Ref! 51. ANNOUNCER (V.0. ) A time out on the floor, 5:20 left before the half, the Amigos 45, the Tropics 19, we'll be right back after this message from Shasta. The camera's on air' red light turns off. CAMERA MAN (rooting them on) And... You're clear. JACKIE MOON SOMEBODY HIT SOMEBODY! BAM! MONIX CLOCKS PETRELLI. BAM! JACKIE MOON PUNCHES ANOTHER GUY. PETRELLI TAKES THE HIT AND TACKLES MONIX. BOTH BENCHES CLEAR. THE CROWD GOES NUTS. INT. THE COMMISSIONER'S HOUSE - MEANWHILE The commissioner relaxes at home with his two kids... A Shasta commercial is on TV. SHASTA COMMERCIAL (V.0.) (on TV) I want a pop... I want a -- Shasta... INT. AMIGO STADIUM - CONTINUOUS MAYHEM. JACKIE MOON IS YANKING A FAN'S HAIR. A TALL GUY IS ABOUT TO POUND SHORT LITTLE KONG. BUT NOW KONG JUMPS IN THE AIR AND DOES A SWEET ROUND-HOUSE JUDO KICK, KNOCKING THE TALL GUY TO THE FLOOR. KONG Hi-Ya! MEANWHILE: MONIX AND PETRELLI ARE TRADING HOCKEY PUNCHES... CAMERA MAN And we're back in -5- (Monix punches Petrelli) -4- (Petrelli punches Monix) -3- (Monix punches Petrelli) 52 -2- (Monix ducks and punches) (cuing the announcers) AND WE'RE ON. THE 'RED LIGHT' GLOWS. ON A DIME: EVERYONE STOPS PUNCHING, STANDS UP STRAIGHT AND SMILES. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) Welcome back to the ABA game of the week... Players hold their heads in pain. Others limp back to the bench. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) .The camaraderie and spirit of this league is on full display here tonight... Off camera, Monix delivers a secret punch to Patrelli's spleen. INT. LOCKER ROOM - HALF TIME Jackie runs the half time talk, standing in front of the chalk board. JACKIE MOON Okay, solid first half guys, but we're going to have to make some ADJ-- Monix interrupts Jackie, pissed. He addresses the team, stepping in front of Jackie Moon. MONIX --This is bullshit guys. They're kicking our ass in basketball and they're kicking our ass during the commercials, too. Does anybody here understand the concept of the pick and roll? Because they're going to keep double teaming at the top of the key until somebody rotates the Damn ball... JACKIE MOON Yeah! C'mon guys! Rotate the ball. Monix looks at this group and gets even madder. 53. MONIX Does anyone in this room have any pride? Don't you realize, this is thelast four weeks of basketball anyus are ever going to play?Is thishow we're really going togo out?You'd think we'd want toend ourcareers battling, hustling after every loose ball. Boxing out under the boards. Setting picks for our teammates. But we haven't done shit out there. Twiggy Munson and Scootsie Double-Day hang their heads. MONIX We're a bunch of selfish assholes -- And I've got news for you, we aren't going to finish in fourth, we're going to finish dead last. Monix paces in front of the guys, a man possessed. MONIX One day, you're going to look back on your life... And you're going to look back on this time... And you're going to realize... Monix is staring right at Clarence. And Clarence is actually listening... MONIX .You're going to realize you never even played basketball. A moment of silence after the intensity. Monix waddles to the door. MONIX Now, you guys have fun out there in the second half. If anyone needs me, I'll be in the training room, draining my knee. Monix limps off, everyone's head is hanging low. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY He's right. 54. BEE BEE ELLIS Of course he's right. But what the Hell are we supposed to do about it? We don't even have plays. INT. JACKIE MOON'S OFFICE - DAYS LATER We're back in Flint. Jackie is back in his office, speaking on the phone. JACKIE MOON (into phone) Dukes! | i.e. | How many times the word 'i.e.' appears in the text? | 1 |
without looking over... CLARENCE Not everyone sits around dreaming of playing in the NBA, you know. 25. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Maybe not. But you do. TWIGGY MUNSON Yeah, that's all you ever talk about. MONIX You're not jealous, are you Clarence? CLARENCE No one calls me Clarence. BEE BEE ELLIS His name's Downtown. MONIX Okay Downtown. I'll make sure Downtown is only referred to as Downtown, okay Downtown? CLARENCE Don't think I don't know what you're doing. You're doing that thing where you pretend to mean what you say, but you don't. BEE BEE ELLIS Sarcasm. CLARENCE Yeah. How'd you like that sarcasm smacked off your face? MONIX Bring it, funky stuff. BEE BEE ELLIS That's sarcasm, man. He's doing it again! CLARENCE (to Bee Bee) I got this, alright? Monix squares off with a smile that says 'hit me.' Clarence takes off his leather full length and folds it nicely. CLARENCE (in Monix's face) How'd you like a knuckle sandwich? 26. MONIX Knuckle sandwich? Who says that? CLARENCE I do motherfucker. I'm gonna pound you so hard, you're-- MONIX REARS HIS FIST BACK, about to release a strong Popeye HOOK-- CLARENCE WAIT! CLARENCE IMMEDIATELY SWITCHES GEARS, PUTTING HIS HANDS UP LIKE A SCARED LITTLE GIRL. CLARENCE (like a sissy) --WAIT! OKAY? COOL COOL COOL. CHILL OUT, MAN, ALRIGHT? WE'RE COOL-- BAM. MONIX PUNCHES CLARENCE IN THE STOMACH ANYWAY. BEE BEE ELLIS YESSS! I LIKE IT! IT'S OUR OWN TEAM, BUT I LIKE IT. One of the party people, a ball girl, GAYLE, interrupts. GAYLE Excuse me boys. You mind, if I borrow your friend for a minute? INT. DANCE FLOOR - MEANWHILE Jackie is dancing to his own song, still wearing the ice packs on his knees. The song ends and A DIFFERENT ONE STARTS. JACKIE MOON (looking to the DJ) Hold on a second. MELINDA What's wrong? JACKIE MOON Where's the boogie? Jackie fights his way through the crowd to the DJ booth. JACKIE MOON (to DJ, over music) HEY! WHERE'S THE BOOGIE? 27. DJ I ALREADY PLAYED YOUR SONG FOUR TIMES. JACKIE MOON GET UP. DJ NO. YOU CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS, JACKIE. I'M THE DJ. JACKIE MOON (taking over as DJ) NOT ANY MORE. YOU'RE ON SNACK PATROL. SCREECH -- The music stops. JACKIE MOON (into the mic) The year was 1973. A young musician named Jackie Moon, finishes years of musical training, only to find he is a slave to the notes on the page. He knows it's time to break free. In a sudden fit of creative mastery, he grabs a pen and a napkin and writes a song that breaks all the rules. Ladies and gentleman... Let's get sweaty. MUSIC CUE: Jackie's song. Everyone goes crazy. JACKIE MOON (V.0.) (studio version) Baby, who wants to; love me sexy. baby, are you ready to; lick me sexy. Take off your shoes and; suck me sexy. Baby, we're naked and we're; humping sexy-- INT. DAIQUIRI ROOM - NIGHT Gayle and Monix walk upstairs into the 'coolest' room ever. Carpet on the ceiling, a plaid couch, a fish tank, a water bed, mirrors, etc. GAYLE I'm glad they traded for you, I got myself a cute one. MONIX So, this is the Daiquiri room? 28. LUCY MOON (O.S. ) That's right. REVEAL: LUCY MOON, Jackie's wife, is on the couch. She's the hottest girl in the world. LUCY MOON What do you think, Gayle? Does he like it with my boots on, or does he like my boots off? GAYLE He seems like a boots on kind of guy. LUCY MOON Then it looks like I'm ready. As soon as you slide these shorts off of me. MONIX Aren't you Jackie's wife? LUCY MOON He knows about the Daiquiri room. GAYLE It's a new tradition we're starting, when new players join. MONIX I see. Well, I'm going to have to pass. I'm good, thanks. LUCY MOON Honey, you don't know what good is. With that, Lucy flicks on the stereo-- MUSIC CUE: THE BAR KEYS 'TOO HOT TO STOP.' MONIX Listen um... (i.e. what's your name?) GAYLE My name is 'no strings attached.' LUCY MOON You can call me Mrs. Moon. Gayle and Lucy perform a funky/seductive dance, moving closer and closer to Monix. 29. MONIX I don't think this is going to happen, Mrs. Moon. LUCY MOON It has to. GAYLE It's bad luck if you don't. MONIX Yeah, I'd hate to bring bad luck to Flint Michigan. Lucy has sprayed some WHIP CREAM on her nipples. LUCY MOON (whip cream) Why don't you lick these clean for me? MONIX I can't eat dairy. Lucy decides that now is a good time to aggressively KISS him. Monix pushes her away. MONIX Nice tits, Mrs. Moon. I gotta go. Monix walks down the stairs. LUCY MOON (calling after him) I see what this is: You want us to send Eric and Marcus up here? On the way out, Monix flicks her off. INT. LYNN'S HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT Lynn is asleep next to Kyle. She awakes to someone pounding on the door. EXT. LYNN'S FRONT YARD - NIGHT Lynn has arrived at the screen door. Monix, wasted, doesn't notice Lynn yet, he keeps pounding until she opens it. LYNN Why are you here? 30. MONIX I got traded. LYNN I mean, why are you here? MONIX Can we talk? KYLE (O.S.) --Yo, Monix, you're wasted! Ha! Kyle has come out to say hi. MONIX Yeah. Sorry man-- KYLE What's up! That of jump shot of yours ain't broke yet, is it? MONIX No. Ha. KYLE Great back door cut for the lay-up in the third. That's how basketball should be played. MONIX Kyle, can you give us a second? We need to talk. KYLE No problem. Great game tonight man. MONIX Why does your boyfriend like me so much? LYNN You're his favorite player. MONIX Look, there are still some things I think we need to talk about. LYNN I've already said everything I'm ever going to say to you. 31. MONIX I see. (BEAT) Well, I guess I'll be leaving then. Monix walks away... Then turns back. MONIX You're really not going to stop me? LYNN No. Monix walks more, until Lynn speaks. LYNN You're going to end up walking with a cane the rest of your life. You have to quit. MONIX And do what? LYNN I don't know... Kill yourself, I guess. MONIX Kill myself? LYNN You act like there's nothing else in the world besides basketball. If that's how you really feel, then go ahead and get it over with. I'm going to sleep. MONIX Thanks for the pep. talk. LYNN No problem. MONIX Lynn. (she opens the door again) Can I ask you for one favor? LYNN You want a favor? MONIX My knee. 32. LYNN Oh, Jesus Christ Monix. It's 4 a.m. Lynn stares at him in disbelief. Monix shrugs. MONIX No one here can drain it right. LYNN Fine. Monix nods, then makes a move toward the door. LYNN No. You're not coming in. We'll do it in the yard. DISSOLVE TO: INT. JACKIE'S MONTE CARLO - DAYS LATER Jackie drives in his car, practicing for the meeting. tries to build some confidence. JACKIE MOON (into the rear view, very CIVILIZED) Well, hello Commissioner -- Why sure, I would love one of your Puerto Rican cigars -- Oh, I know I'm a legitimate owner, you don't have to tell me that -- We're merging with the NBA? Oh, that's nice -- Ha Ha Ha! Good one, Commish ... EXT. INDIANAPOLIS - CONTINUOUS A brick building on the outskirts of Indianapolis. A sign says. WELCOME ABA OWNERS. Jackie pulls into the lot and parks. He looks in the mirror one last time. JACKIE MOON Your Mom would be proud of you today. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS Not-quite-Rich guys surround a large oak table. JACKIE is by far the youngest of the owners. 33. COMMISH .I'm sure each of you have heard the rumors. And I'm here to tell you, the rumors are true. The ABA will be merging with the NBA at the end of this season. JACKIE MOON YES!!! (to an old guy) GIVE ME TEN, NORTON! YES!! (fists to the ceiling) EVERYONE CAN EAT SHIT! I AM THE GREATEST MAN IN THE WORLD! COMMISH Our league is sold. And the NBA agreed to all of our financial demands! Now Jackie turns inward, more quietly intense. This is, without question, the greatest moment of his life. JACKIE MOON (to himself) You're a real owner. You're in the NBA. COMMISH Four of our teams will be absorbed into the NBA family, the rest of you will terminate operations. JACKIE MOON Exactly! You know it! (now hearing) I'm sorry, wait, what? COMMISH The Nuggets, The Nets, The Spurs and the Pacers will play in the NBA next year. The rest of us will dissolve. JACKIE MOON Dissolve? Dissolve, like, how? How do I dissolve into the NBA? The winning owners look at each other, not sure how to handle Jackie. JACKIE MOON What's happening? 34. COMMISH I'm sorry Jackie. We all know how. emotional you get. We waited until the very last second to tell you. Jackie pounds the table. JACKIE MOON No. NO! NO!!! He kicks over his chair... THE COMMISH We know you're upset, Jackie. But you'll be very well compensated. LOSING OWNER #1 Everyone's agreed to a very large sum. JACKIE MOON I don't want a sum! I want my team! (to the losing owners) C'mon you guys, you're not going to just sit here and take the money, are you? They are. JACKIE MOON (to winning owners) What do the Spurs have that we don't? THE COMMISH A huge fan base. A brand new stadium. A solid economic growth package, including strong tax incentives. JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon, that's BULLSHIT! COMMISH The NBA is taking four teams, Jackie, there's nothing I can do. Jackie goes quiet, thinking... An epic idea hits him. JACKIE MOON The best four teams should go. 35. COMMISH What? JACKIE MOON Forget the huge fan base, the stadiums, the economic... (a little lost) Growing... package... inventions... WINNING OWNER #1 (correcting him) Economic growth pack-- JACKIE MOON I KNOW WHAT I SAID! (to the room) The four teams with the best records should merge. LOSING OWNER #2 He's right. LOSING OWNER #1 Yeah, that's the fairest way. COMMISH These four teams DO have the best records. Flint's only won six games all year! JACKIE MOON So far. The season isn't over. LOSING OWNER #2 Yeah, maybe we should finish the season first. COMMISH This plan sounds like a lot of fun, but it's too late. The commissioner, me, has already decided. LOSING OWNER #2 Actually, the terms of a merger can only be approved by a league mandate. JACKIE MOON YES. That's right. What he said. 36. LOSING OWNER #1 I move that we vote on the terms of the merger. EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NEXT DAY The team sits around the parking lot, sitting on their duffle bags, dejected. Jackie is having a team meeting. JACKIE MOON C'mon you guys, let's try to stay psyched. This is a chance to become a real NBA franchise! CLARENCE There's no way we can make it to fourth place. It's mathematically impossible. JACKIE MOON I ran the numbers. All we have to do is win about eighty-two percent of our remaining games. CLARENCE Eighty-two percent? Isn't that a lot? JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon! We just gotta start hitting our threes. (guys look around, unsure) Listen, I know this seems like bad news, but it doesn't have to be. This is a big road trip for us. We've just got to start playing solid Flint basketball. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY I don't know. We suck, man. JACKIE SLAPS SCOOTSIE. JACKIE MOON (re: The slap) Sorry. JACKIE SLAPS HIM AGAIN, HARDER. JACKIE MOON We do not suck, okay? We just have to want it! 37. Pumped, Jackie walks around with his hands on his hips. BEE BEE ELLIS What do you think, Monix? All eyes turn on the grumpy one. MONIX I think we suck. JACKIE MOON Well... See, now there's some team unity! Now let's load up the jet. REVEAL: A SHITTY SCHOOL BUS has the words 'THE JET!' Spray- painted in graffiti letters with a palm tree next to it. JACKIE MOON (as they load up) Now we've got a special treat. You know I take care of my family. Today, the Jet is catered. I had Downtown's Mom pack us some hot dish. BEE BEE ELLIS Ms. Quincy's hot dish? Sweet! INT. BUS - CONTINUOUS The guys load up. It's so packed it's ridiculous. Everyone tries to stuff their gear somewhere and sit down. Jackie carries a big pot of hot dish, accidentally burning Scootsie's back. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Ah, watch the hot dish, man. JACKIE MOON Sorry Scootsie. TWIGGY MUNSON Hey Jackie, there's some dude out there, wants to talk to you. POV: Out the window, we can see DUKES, the full court shot winner, holding his GIANT CHECK and looking into the bus. He's still shirtless, with a star-spangled headband. EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - MOMENTS LATER Jackie and Dukes are next to the bus, discussing the check. 38. DUKES I tried Jackie. They won't take it. They said it's 'symbolic.' JACKIE MOON What does symbolic mean? DUKES I don't know. But they said I need a real check. JACKIE MOON I don't know what your bank is talking about. That is a real check. I signed it myself. DUKES It's written in glitter, dude. Can't you just give me, like, a regular sized one? JACKIE MOON I don't get it. People are usually able to cash these. Maybe you should try another bank. (trying to wrap it up) If you run into any more trouble, let me know. DUKES Okay Jackie, thanks man. JACKIE MOON Any time, congratulations. Jackie turns away from Dukes and exhales, walking back to the bus. MUSIC CUE: 'SHORT PEOPLE' BY RANDY NEWMAN. EXT. THE HIGHWAY - DAY We're flying down the highway. INT. THE JET - DAY Kong, the small Asian player, is driving, singing along with Jackie to the radio... JACKIE MOON & KONG (singing Randy Newman) SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... 39. SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE Jackie reaches up into a special bin and takes out some beef jerky, then yells out the window. JACKIE (out the window at a car) YOU IN-THE-GREEN-CAR GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE... Pan back to see the whole team crammed into tiny seats. Vakidis has his knees pointing straight toward the ceiling. Twiggy Munson is reading '70's pornography. Clarence is sewing a new name onto his jersey. The rest of the guys are eating their hot dish. MONIX So, Clarence, what's in this 'hot dish' anyway? CLARENCE My Mom cooked your ass a whole Damn meal, why you gotta go asking what's in it? MONIX It's a compliment. It's good. CLARENCE If it's good, then it's good. Why do you gotta know what's in it? What's in hot dish? Hot dish is in hot dish, asshole. BEE BEE and SCOOTSIE look over the seat, facing them. BEE BEE ELLIS Hey Monix, what were the Celtics like? MONIX They were fast. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Fast? No one's faster than me. I should be on the Celtics. MONIX (pointing to his mind) Fast up here. 40. BEE BEE ELLIS You're supposed to be Mr. Smartball. Why'd you get bounced? MONIX Well, you have to be able to jump too. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Hey, let us see that ring again. MONIX Not right now, okay Twiggy? CLARENCE Isn't it a little embarrassing wearing that thing everyday? MONIX Embarrassing? CLARENCE You call yourself a Celtic? You sat through every single playoff game. You didn't see action once. And now you walk around wearing the ice like you're Bill Russel. Well you ain't. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, you're just jealous. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Yeah, Monix played solid minutes, for lots of teams. He's played in the NBA, that's more than you can say. CLARENCE Whatever. At least I never sat on the bench and then called myself a champion. You didn't do shit for that Celtic team. If I was Dave Cowens, I'd yank that ring right off your neck. That was a pretty heated exchange. Monix looks like he's got something to say, but he doesn't. Clarence has the last word. CLARENCE He doesn't wear it on his finger because he knows he didn't earn it. He didn't even play. 41. Monix looks out the window. EXT. ROAD GAME #1 - NIGHT 'The Jet' is parked outside the arena. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) We're just a few minutes away from game one of the Tropic's 6 game road trip. With talk of an NBA merger hitting the league, there's a new electricity surrounding tonight's game... INT. VISITOR'S LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT Jackie addresses his team before tip off. JACKIE MOON Alright. Now, a lot of people out there are writing us off. A lot people are saying things like 'Jackie Moon is an offensive liability.' They're saying 'Flint's turnovers led to sixty fast break points per game.' (Making this up) They're saying 'Bee Bee's retarded brother is so retarded that his eyes look too big,. Like a French Bulldog. BEE BEE ELLIS No one said that, man. JACKIE MOON (trying to motivate) Yes they did. And we're going to use it as motivation, okay? THIS IS OUR TIME! WE'RE GOING TO SHOOT MORE THAN WE'VE EVER SHOT BEFORE! NOW BRING IT IN! READY? ONE TWO THREE- EVERYONE LET'S GET TROPICAL! MONTAGE: FLINT PLAYS HARDER BUT THEY STILL SUCK. GAME 1) JACKIE MOON sprints across the floor tries to get two f eet planted in the lane. It's not even close, JACKIE HAS TAKEN A GUY DOWN HARD. The ref whistles a blocking foul. 42. JACKIE MOON OH, C'MON!? Where's the charge, Father Pat? FATHER PAT THE REF Both feet weren't planted. JACKIE MOON OH, SUCK MY COCK. I WILL MURDER YOUR FAMILY. FATHER PAT THE REF That's it, you're out. JACKIE MOON What!? What did I say? Jackie takes a ball and drop kicks it, PUNTING IT high up into the rafters. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: COLONELS 111 TROPICS 92. GAME 2) MONIX drives the lane, fast and smart -- A no-look pass hits Scootsie Double-Day in the shoulder. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY AH. MY COLLAR BONE! BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: SQUIRES 90 TROPICS 70. GAME 3) CLARENCE and BEE BEE jog back on Defense. CLARENCE I ain't guarding my guy anymore. BEE BEE ELLIS Why not? CLARENCE He's too'Damn sweaty, man. (re: his wet uniform) Look at me. BEE BEE ELLIS Gross. Well, I ain't guarding him. Monix notices this discussion. MONIX Quit talking and play defense! The sweaty guy backs in on Clarence, posting up top. 44. GAME 5) Jackie Moon plays great defense, rejecting a shot! Monix grabs the ball and dribbles on a fast break. Clarence trails, in perfect position... CLARENCE Right on! I'm open baby! Try a behind-the-back! Monix delivers a nice two handed bounce pass, but Clarence isn't ready for anything fundamentally sound -- The ball hits him in the nuts. CLARENCE Ah, shit. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: PIPERS 105 TROPICS 91. EXT. HOTEL STRIP - NIGHT Angle on a big hotel with fancy lights -- but then we pan to reveal: A shitty motel. The 'Jet' is parked at the cheap place. INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Two twin beds in a crap-box motel room. Monix has the phone to his ear, but it just keeps ringing. He'd leave a message for Lynn, but answering machines haven't been invented yet. He hangs up, looks in the mirror, and now takes his Championship ring necklace off. He looks at the ring in his hand... And shoves it into his duffle bag. CLARENCE (O.S.) I brought us some ice. Monix is startled. Clarence, his roommate for the night, enters. MONIX Ice? What for? CLARENCE I don't know, it's free. Clarence takes some ice, pops it in his mouth and starts crunching. CLARENCE Want some? 45. MONIX No thanks. Now BEE BEE enters, yet another player in the small room. BEE BEE ELLIS That Root Beer machine took my fucking change, man. White people are assholes. Monix ignores this. Laying back, he focuses on the TV: THE CELTICS are playing. Their trapping defense is a thing of beauty. Clarence walks over and flicks the channels, until he stops at 'Love American Style.' MONIX You turned off the Celtics? CLARENCE I don't watch people play basketball. They watch me. With that, Clarence pulls out a JOINT and lights it. MONIX (re: the marijuana) What the Hell is that? CLARENCE (as he inhales) It's a fucking Egg-McMuffin. Monix opens the window, clearing the pot smoke out of his face. JACKIE EXITS the bathroom, having just taken a shower. He's wearing a very small robe. This is now the fourth player who's sleeping in this tiny room. MONIX Why don't you shower in your room? JACKIE MOON My wife is using it. I'll be crashing with you guys tonight. (NOTICING) Ice? Awesome. (as he eats ice, re: TV) Love American Style? Turn it up. 46. Jackie doesn't say a word about the pot. Instead he keeps his eyes glued to the TV, then reaches for the joint and SMOKES IT. MONIX Jackie, have you ever even slept with your wife? JACKIE MOON (LYING) What? Are you kidding? Try, like, every weekend. She's so hot. MONIX Sounds like a great arrangement. JACKIE MOON You guys need to wake up. Quit living like it's the 1950's, man. Live it up. (showing off) Hey Clarence, let's have some of that smoke, bro. MONIX I'm pretty sure we have a game tomorrow. JACKIE MOON (as he inhales) This stuff won't affect you. It's premium. Jackie finishes inhaling, then holds it out for Monix. He stares at the joint, then around the room at his teammates. MONIX Well, if this is really going to be my life, I might as well be stoned like everyone else. JACKIE MOON Well said. Monix takes the stupid joint. The instant Monix inhales he COUGHS LIKE CRAZY. MONIX What the Hell is this? CLARENCE What do you mean? 47. MONIX It's harsh. CLARENCE Take that back. MONIX Take what back? JACKIE MOON His Mom grows it. CLARENCE Yeah, in the yard. MONIX Your Mom grew this? CLARENCE It's sweet grass. MONIX Well, I'm finished, thanks. CLARENCE What's wrong, my Mom's weed ain't good enough for you? MONIX I guess not. JACKIE MOON C'mon man, have some respect for his Mom's weed. CLARENCE That's it, I ain't sleeping in the same bed as this motherfucker. INT. AMIGO STADIUM - ROAD TRIP GAME 6 - NEXT NIGHT Television cameras are being set up. A camera man cleans the lens. Jackie studies the cameras, mesmerized by the idea of television. He speaks with the Amigo's manager. AMIGO MANAGER You want all the fans to sit on one side of the stadium? 48. JACKIE MOON Yeah, just move all those people over to this side. (DEMONSTRATING) See, the TV cameras are going to face this way, right? Well, if we fill the seats on that side, we'll look sold out. AMIGO MANAGER Actually, that's not a bad idea. MEANWHILE, ON THE COURT: Both teams are warming up. Clarence now has a new name on his Jersey. There are so many words, there is barely space for a number. It's a mess. CLARENCE (re: Jersey, new name) Check it out. I sewed it on the bus. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY (struggling to read it) What's it say? CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. The asshole, PETRELLI, wanders over near the Tropics side of the court. PETRELLI Yo, Granny Yarn Barn, how's the needle point going? CLARENCE Kiss my ass, Petrelli. PETRELLI (re: the Jersey name) Hey man, I think you spelled 'Flint sucks balls' wrong. (BEAT) This guy's the next Betsy Ross! Aren't you Clarence? The guys laugh. MONIX walks up, defending his teammate. MONIX No one calls him Clarence. His name IS-- (BEAT) What's your name? 49. CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. MONIX His name's Jumping Johnny Johnson. (nose to nose) You got that? Jackie hurries over. JACKIE MOON Alright, break it up. (to his team) Everyone huddle up!... VAKIDIS! OVER HERE. Where is he walking to? (BEAT) Fuck it. Listen up, we're on National TV tonight. And you all know what that means: The league needs a good clean game. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, that's a bunch of dog shit. JACKIE MOON Hey! You guys want to merge or not? Because the fastest way to screw this up is to start punching people in the face while the commissioner is at home, watching the game with his kids... Children are very impressionable. Their minds are not yet soiled by the cruel realities of this world. BEE BEE ELLIS What? JACKIE MOON No punching. Behind the huddle, FANS BEGIN WALKING RIGHT ACROSS THE COURT. Both teams turn to watch this strange thing. The Amigos manager leads the herd, Jackie helps out, directing them across to the other side. JACKIE MOON THAT'S RIGHT, JUST MOVE RIGHT ACROSS- IF YOU COULD JUST FILL IN ALL OF THOSE EMPTY SEATS IN THAT AREA, THAT'D BE GREAT. 50. INT. AMIGO'S STADIUM - LATER The optical illusion has worked. The game does indeed look crowded. The game is in full swing. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) This sold out crowd is loving this one, the Amigos up by twenty-six here in the second. Monix drains a nice jumper, but out of nowhere, Petrelli, the guy we hate, throws a hard shoulder, knocking Monix to the floor. MONIX That's a moving pick Father Pat! C'mon! FATHER PAT THE REF Play on. Monix can't believe it. Petrelli taunts Monix. PETRELLI What's wrong Monix, cat got your 'nads? Monix faces off. JACKIE MOON MONIX! NO! (POINTING) Not with the cameras. (miming the commish') He's watching. Monix looks around and thinks... MONIX What about commercials? JACKIE MOON What? MONIX Commercials, what about commercials? Jackie thinks about this, then nods 'good idea.' JACKIE MOON I like it. Time out Ref! 51. ANNOUNCER (V.0. ) A time out on the floor, 5:20 left before the half, the Amigos 45, the Tropics 19, we'll be right back after this message from Shasta. The camera's on air' red light turns off. CAMERA MAN (rooting them on) And... You're clear. JACKIE MOON SOMEBODY HIT SOMEBODY! BAM! MONIX CLOCKS PETRELLI. BAM! JACKIE MOON PUNCHES ANOTHER GUY. PETRELLI TAKES THE HIT AND TACKLES MONIX. BOTH BENCHES CLEAR. THE CROWD GOES NUTS. INT. THE COMMISSIONER'S HOUSE - MEANWHILE The commissioner relaxes at home with his two kids... A Shasta commercial is on TV. SHASTA COMMERCIAL (V.0.) (on TV) I want a pop... I want a -- Shasta... INT. AMIGO STADIUM - CONTINUOUS MAYHEM. JACKIE MOON IS YANKING A FAN'S HAIR. A TALL GUY IS ABOUT TO POUND SHORT LITTLE KONG. BUT NOW KONG JUMPS IN THE AIR AND DOES A SWEET ROUND-HOUSE JUDO KICK, KNOCKING THE TALL GUY TO THE FLOOR. KONG Hi-Ya! MEANWHILE: MONIX AND PETRELLI ARE TRADING HOCKEY PUNCHES... CAMERA MAN And we're back in -5- (Monix punches Petrelli) -4- (Petrelli punches Monix) -3- (Monix punches Petrelli) 52 -2- (Monix ducks and punches) (cuing the announcers) AND WE'RE ON. THE 'RED LIGHT' GLOWS. ON A DIME: EVERYONE STOPS PUNCHING, STANDS UP STRAIGHT AND SMILES. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) Welcome back to the ABA game of the week... Players hold their heads in pain. Others limp back to the bench. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) .The camaraderie and spirit of this league is on full display here tonight... Off camera, Monix delivers a secret punch to Patrelli's spleen. INT. LOCKER ROOM - HALF TIME Jackie runs the half time talk, standing in front of the chalk board. JACKIE MOON Okay, solid first half guys, but we're going to have to make some ADJ-- Monix interrupts Jackie, pissed. He addresses the team, stepping in front of Jackie Moon. MONIX --This is bullshit guys. They're kicking our ass in basketball and they're kicking our ass during the commercials, too. Does anybody here understand the concept of the pick and roll? Because they're going to keep double teaming at the top of the key until somebody rotates the Damn ball... JACKIE MOON Yeah! C'mon guys! Rotate the ball. Monix looks at this group and gets even madder. 53. MONIX Does anyone in this room have any pride? Don't you realize, this is thelast four weeks of basketball anyus are ever going to play?Is thishow we're really going togo out?You'd think we'd want toend ourcareers battling, hustling after every loose ball. Boxing out under the boards. Setting picks for our teammates. But we haven't done shit out there. Twiggy Munson and Scootsie Double-Day hang their heads. MONIX We're a bunch of selfish assholes -- And I've got news for you, we aren't going to finish in fourth, we're going to finish dead last. Monix paces in front of the guys, a man possessed. MONIX One day, you're going to look back on your life... And you're going to look back on this time... And you're going to realize... Monix is staring right at Clarence. And Clarence is actually listening... MONIX .You're going to realize you never even played basketball. A moment of silence after the intensity. Monix waddles to the door. MONIX Now, you guys have fun out there in the second half. If anyone needs me, I'll be in the training room, draining my knee. Monix limps off, everyone's head is hanging low. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY He's right. 54. BEE BEE ELLIS Of course he's right. But what the Hell are we supposed to do about it? We don't even have plays. INT. JACKIE MOON'S OFFICE - DAYS LATER We're back in Flint. Jackie is back in his office, speaking on the phone. JACKIE MOON (into phone) Dukes! | approaching | How many times the word 'approaching' appears in the text? | 0 |
without looking over... CLARENCE Not everyone sits around dreaming of playing in the NBA, you know. 25. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Maybe not. But you do. TWIGGY MUNSON Yeah, that's all you ever talk about. MONIX You're not jealous, are you Clarence? CLARENCE No one calls me Clarence. BEE BEE ELLIS His name's Downtown. MONIX Okay Downtown. I'll make sure Downtown is only referred to as Downtown, okay Downtown? CLARENCE Don't think I don't know what you're doing. You're doing that thing where you pretend to mean what you say, but you don't. BEE BEE ELLIS Sarcasm. CLARENCE Yeah. How'd you like that sarcasm smacked off your face? MONIX Bring it, funky stuff. BEE BEE ELLIS That's sarcasm, man. He's doing it again! CLARENCE (to Bee Bee) I got this, alright? Monix squares off with a smile that says 'hit me.' Clarence takes off his leather full length and folds it nicely. CLARENCE (in Monix's face) How'd you like a knuckle sandwich? 26. MONIX Knuckle sandwich? Who says that? CLARENCE I do motherfucker. I'm gonna pound you so hard, you're-- MONIX REARS HIS FIST BACK, about to release a strong Popeye HOOK-- CLARENCE WAIT! CLARENCE IMMEDIATELY SWITCHES GEARS, PUTTING HIS HANDS UP LIKE A SCARED LITTLE GIRL. CLARENCE (like a sissy) --WAIT! OKAY? COOL COOL COOL. CHILL OUT, MAN, ALRIGHT? WE'RE COOL-- BAM. MONIX PUNCHES CLARENCE IN THE STOMACH ANYWAY. BEE BEE ELLIS YESSS! I LIKE IT! IT'S OUR OWN TEAM, BUT I LIKE IT. One of the party people, a ball girl, GAYLE, interrupts. GAYLE Excuse me boys. You mind, if I borrow your friend for a minute? INT. DANCE FLOOR - MEANWHILE Jackie is dancing to his own song, still wearing the ice packs on his knees. The song ends and A DIFFERENT ONE STARTS. JACKIE MOON (looking to the DJ) Hold on a second. MELINDA What's wrong? JACKIE MOON Where's the boogie? Jackie fights his way through the crowd to the DJ booth. JACKIE MOON (to DJ, over music) HEY! WHERE'S THE BOOGIE? 27. DJ I ALREADY PLAYED YOUR SONG FOUR TIMES. JACKIE MOON GET UP. DJ NO. YOU CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS, JACKIE. I'M THE DJ. JACKIE MOON (taking over as DJ) NOT ANY MORE. YOU'RE ON SNACK PATROL. SCREECH -- The music stops. JACKIE MOON (into the mic) The year was 1973. A young musician named Jackie Moon, finishes years of musical training, only to find he is a slave to the notes on the page. He knows it's time to break free. In a sudden fit of creative mastery, he grabs a pen and a napkin and writes a song that breaks all the rules. Ladies and gentleman... Let's get sweaty. MUSIC CUE: Jackie's song. Everyone goes crazy. JACKIE MOON (V.0.) (studio version) Baby, who wants to; love me sexy. baby, are you ready to; lick me sexy. Take off your shoes and; suck me sexy. Baby, we're naked and we're; humping sexy-- INT. DAIQUIRI ROOM - NIGHT Gayle and Monix walk upstairs into the 'coolest' room ever. Carpet on the ceiling, a plaid couch, a fish tank, a water bed, mirrors, etc. GAYLE I'm glad they traded for you, I got myself a cute one. MONIX So, this is the Daiquiri room? 28. LUCY MOON (O.S. ) That's right. REVEAL: LUCY MOON, Jackie's wife, is on the couch. She's the hottest girl in the world. LUCY MOON What do you think, Gayle? Does he like it with my boots on, or does he like my boots off? GAYLE He seems like a boots on kind of guy. LUCY MOON Then it looks like I'm ready. As soon as you slide these shorts off of me. MONIX Aren't you Jackie's wife? LUCY MOON He knows about the Daiquiri room. GAYLE It's a new tradition we're starting, when new players join. MONIX I see. Well, I'm going to have to pass. I'm good, thanks. LUCY MOON Honey, you don't know what good is. With that, Lucy flicks on the stereo-- MUSIC CUE: THE BAR KEYS 'TOO HOT TO STOP.' MONIX Listen um... (i.e. what's your name?) GAYLE My name is 'no strings attached.' LUCY MOON You can call me Mrs. Moon. Gayle and Lucy perform a funky/seductive dance, moving closer and closer to Monix. 29. MONIX I don't think this is going to happen, Mrs. Moon. LUCY MOON It has to. GAYLE It's bad luck if you don't. MONIX Yeah, I'd hate to bring bad luck to Flint Michigan. Lucy has sprayed some WHIP CREAM on her nipples. LUCY MOON (whip cream) Why don't you lick these clean for me? MONIX I can't eat dairy. Lucy decides that now is a good time to aggressively KISS him. Monix pushes her away. MONIX Nice tits, Mrs. Moon. I gotta go. Monix walks down the stairs. LUCY MOON (calling after him) I see what this is: You want us to send Eric and Marcus up here? On the way out, Monix flicks her off. INT. LYNN'S HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT Lynn is asleep next to Kyle. She awakes to someone pounding on the door. EXT. LYNN'S FRONT YARD - NIGHT Lynn has arrived at the screen door. Monix, wasted, doesn't notice Lynn yet, he keeps pounding until she opens it. LYNN Why are you here? 30. MONIX I got traded. LYNN I mean, why are you here? MONIX Can we talk? KYLE (O.S.) --Yo, Monix, you're wasted! Ha! Kyle has come out to say hi. MONIX Yeah. Sorry man-- KYLE What's up! That of jump shot of yours ain't broke yet, is it? MONIX No. Ha. KYLE Great back door cut for the lay-up in the third. That's how basketball should be played. MONIX Kyle, can you give us a second? We need to talk. KYLE No problem. Great game tonight man. MONIX Why does your boyfriend like me so much? LYNN You're his favorite player. MONIX Look, there are still some things I think we need to talk about. LYNN I've already said everything I'm ever going to say to you. 31. MONIX I see. (BEAT) Well, I guess I'll be leaving then. Monix walks away... Then turns back. MONIX You're really not going to stop me? LYNN No. Monix walks more, until Lynn speaks. LYNN You're going to end up walking with a cane the rest of your life. You have to quit. MONIX And do what? LYNN I don't know... Kill yourself, I guess. MONIX Kill myself? LYNN You act like there's nothing else in the world besides basketball. If that's how you really feel, then go ahead and get it over with. I'm going to sleep. MONIX Thanks for the pep. talk. LYNN No problem. MONIX Lynn. (she opens the door again) Can I ask you for one favor? LYNN You want a favor? MONIX My knee. 32. LYNN Oh, Jesus Christ Monix. It's 4 a.m. Lynn stares at him in disbelief. Monix shrugs. MONIX No one here can drain it right. LYNN Fine. Monix nods, then makes a move toward the door. LYNN No. You're not coming in. We'll do it in the yard. DISSOLVE TO: INT. JACKIE'S MONTE CARLO - DAYS LATER Jackie drives in his car, practicing for the meeting. tries to build some confidence. JACKIE MOON (into the rear view, very CIVILIZED) Well, hello Commissioner -- Why sure, I would love one of your Puerto Rican cigars -- Oh, I know I'm a legitimate owner, you don't have to tell me that -- We're merging with the NBA? Oh, that's nice -- Ha Ha Ha! Good one, Commish ... EXT. INDIANAPOLIS - CONTINUOUS A brick building on the outskirts of Indianapolis. A sign says. WELCOME ABA OWNERS. Jackie pulls into the lot and parks. He looks in the mirror one last time. JACKIE MOON Your Mom would be proud of you today. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS Not-quite-Rich guys surround a large oak table. JACKIE is by far the youngest of the owners. 33. COMMISH .I'm sure each of you have heard the rumors. And I'm here to tell you, the rumors are true. The ABA will be merging with the NBA at the end of this season. JACKIE MOON YES!!! (to an old guy) GIVE ME TEN, NORTON! YES!! (fists to the ceiling) EVERYONE CAN EAT SHIT! I AM THE GREATEST MAN IN THE WORLD! COMMISH Our league is sold. And the NBA agreed to all of our financial demands! Now Jackie turns inward, more quietly intense. This is, without question, the greatest moment of his life. JACKIE MOON (to himself) You're a real owner. You're in the NBA. COMMISH Four of our teams will be absorbed into the NBA family, the rest of you will terminate operations. JACKIE MOON Exactly! You know it! (now hearing) I'm sorry, wait, what? COMMISH The Nuggets, The Nets, The Spurs and the Pacers will play in the NBA next year. The rest of us will dissolve. JACKIE MOON Dissolve? Dissolve, like, how? How do I dissolve into the NBA? The winning owners look at each other, not sure how to handle Jackie. JACKIE MOON What's happening? 34. COMMISH I'm sorry Jackie. We all know how. emotional you get. We waited until the very last second to tell you. Jackie pounds the table. JACKIE MOON No. NO! NO!!! He kicks over his chair... THE COMMISH We know you're upset, Jackie. But you'll be very well compensated. LOSING OWNER #1 Everyone's agreed to a very large sum. JACKIE MOON I don't want a sum! I want my team! (to the losing owners) C'mon you guys, you're not going to just sit here and take the money, are you? They are. JACKIE MOON (to winning owners) What do the Spurs have that we don't? THE COMMISH A huge fan base. A brand new stadium. A solid economic growth package, including strong tax incentives. JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon, that's BULLSHIT! COMMISH The NBA is taking four teams, Jackie, there's nothing I can do. Jackie goes quiet, thinking... An epic idea hits him. JACKIE MOON The best four teams should go. 35. COMMISH What? JACKIE MOON Forget the huge fan base, the stadiums, the economic... (a little lost) Growing... package... inventions... WINNING OWNER #1 (correcting him) Economic growth pack-- JACKIE MOON I KNOW WHAT I SAID! (to the room) The four teams with the best records should merge. LOSING OWNER #2 He's right. LOSING OWNER #1 Yeah, that's the fairest way. COMMISH These four teams DO have the best records. Flint's only won six games all year! JACKIE MOON So far. The season isn't over. LOSING OWNER #2 Yeah, maybe we should finish the season first. COMMISH This plan sounds like a lot of fun, but it's too late. The commissioner, me, has already decided. LOSING OWNER #2 Actually, the terms of a merger can only be approved by a league mandate. JACKIE MOON YES. That's right. What he said. 36. LOSING OWNER #1 I move that we vote on the terms of the merger. EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NEXT DAY The team sits around the parking lot, sitting on their duffle bags, dejected. Jackie is having a team meeting. JACKIE MOON C'mon you guys, let's try to stay psyched. This is a chance to become a real NBA franchise! CLARENCE There's no way we can make it to fourth place. It's mathematically impossible. JACKIE MOON I ran the numbers. All we have to do is win about eighty-two percent of our remaining games. CLARENCE Eighty-two percent? Isn't that a lot? JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon! We just gotta start hitting our threes. (guys look around, unsure) Listen, I know this seems like bad news, but it doesn't have to be. This is a big road trip for us. We've just got to start playing solid Flint basketball. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY I don't know. We suck, man. JACKIE SLAPS SCOOTSIE. JACKIE MOON (re: The slap) Sorry. JACKIE SLAPS HIM AGAIN, HARDER. JACKIE MOON We do not suck, okay? We just have to want it! 37. Pumped, Jackie walks around with his hands on his hips. BEE BEE ELLIS What do you think, Monix? All eyes turn on the grumpy one. MONIX I think we suck. JACKIE MOON Well... See, now there's some team unity! Now let's load up the jet. REVEAL: A SHITTY SCHOOL BUS has the words 'THE JET!' Spray- painted in graffiti letters with a palm tree next to it. JACKIE MOON (as they load up) Now we've got a special treat. You know I take care of my family. Today, the Jet is catered. I had Downtown's Mom pack us some hot dish. BEE BEE ELLIS Ms. Quincy's hot dish? Sweet! INT. BUS - CONTINUOUS The guys load up. It's so packed it's ridiculous. Everyone tries to stuff their gear somewhere and sit down. Jackie carries a big pot of hot dish, accidentally burning Scootsie's back. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Ah, watch the hot dish, man. JACKIE MOON Sorry Scootsie. TWIGGY MUNSON Hey Jackie, there's some dude out there, wants to talk to you. POV: Out the window, we can see DUKES, the full court shot winner, holding his GIANT CHECK and looking into the bus. He's still shirtless, with a star-spangled headband. EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - MOMENTS LATER Jackie and Dukes are next to the bus, discussing the check. 38. DUKES I tried Jackie. They won't take it. They said it's 'symbolic.' JACKIE MOON What does symbolic mean? DUKES I don't know. But they said I need a real check. JACKIE MOON I don't know what your bank is talking about. That is a real check. I signed it myself. DUKES It's written in glitter, dude. Can't you just give me, like, a regular sized one? JACKIE MOON I don't get it. People are usually able to cash these. Maybe you should try another bank. (trying to wrap it up) If you run into any more trouble, let me know. DUKES Okay Jackie, thanks man. JACKIE MOON Any time, congratulations. Jackie turns away from Dukes and exhales, walking back to the bus. MUSIC CUE: 'SHORT PEOPLE' BY RANDY NEWMAN. EXT. THE HIGHWAY - DAY We're flying down the highway. INT. THE JET - DAY Kong, the small Asian player, is driving, singing along with Jackie to the radio... JACKIE MOON & KONG (singing Randy Newman) SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... 39. SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE Jackie reaches up into a special bin and takes out some beef jerky, then yells out the window. JACKIE (out the window at a car) YOU IN-THE-GREEN-CAR GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE... Pan back to see the whole team crammed into tiny seats. Vakidis has his knees pointing straight toward the ceiling. Twiggy Munson is reading '70's pornography. Clarence is sewing a new name onto his jersey. The rest of the guys are eating their hot dish. MONIX So, Clarence, what's in this 'hot dish' anyway? CLARENCE My Mom cooked your ass a whole Damn meal, why you gotta go asking what's in it? MONIX It's a compliment. It's good. CLARENCE If it's good, then it's good. Why do you gotta know what's in it? What's in hot dish? Hot dish is in hot dish, asshole. BEE BEE and SCOOTSIE look over the seat, facing them. BEE BEE ELLIS Hey Monix, what were the Celtics like? MONIX They were fast. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Fast? No one's faster than me. I should be on the Celtics. MONIX (pointing to his mind) Fast up here. 40. BEE BEE ELLIS You're supposed to be Mr. Smartball. Why'd you get bounced? MONIX Well, you have to be able to jump too. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Hey, let us see that ring again. MONIX Not right now, okay Twiggy? CLARENCE Isn't it a little embarrassing wearing that thing everyday? MONIX Embarrassing? CLARENCE You call yourself a Celtic? You sat through every single playoff game. You didn't see action once. And now you walk around wearing the ice like you're Bill Russel. Well you ain't. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, you're just jealous. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Yeah, Monix played solid minutes, for lots of teams. He's played in the NBA, that's more than you can say. CLARENCE Whatever. At least I never sat on the bench and then called myself a champion. You didn't do shit for that Celtic team. If I was Dave Cowens, I'd yank that ring right off your neck. That was a pretty heated exchange. Monix looks like he's got something to say, but he doesn't. Clarence has the last word. CLARENCE He doesn't wear it on his finger because he knows he didn't earn it. He didn't even play. 41. Monix looks out the window. EXT. ROAD GAME #1 - NIGHT 'The Jet' is parked outside the arena. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) We're just a few minutes away from game one of the Tropic's 6 game road trip. With talk of an NBA merger hitting the league, there's a new electricity surrounding tonight's game... INT. VISITOR'S LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT Jackie addresses his team before tip off. JACKIE MOON Alright. Now, a lot of people out there are writing us off. A lot people are saying things like 'Jackie Moon is an offensive liability.' They're saying 'Flint's turnovers led to sixty fast break points per game.' (Making this up) They're saying 'Bee Bee's retarded brother is so retarded that his eyes look too big,. Like a French Bulldog. BEE BEE ELLIS No one said that, man. JACKIE MOON (trying to motivate) Yes they did. And we're going to use it as motivation, okay? THIS IS OUR TIME! WE'RE GOING TO SHOOT MORE THAN WE'VE EVER SHOT BEFORE! NOW BRING IT IN! READY? ONE TWO THREE- EVERYONE LET'S GET TROPICAL! MONTAGE: FLINT PLAYS HARDER BUT THEY STILL SUCK. GAME 1) JACKIE MOON sprints across the floor tries to get two f eet planted in the lane. It's not even close, JACKIE HAS TAKEN A GUY DOWN HARD. The ref whistles a blocking foul. 42. JACKIE MOON OH, C'MON!? Where's the charge, Father Pat? FATHER PAT THE REF Both feet weren't planted. JACKIE MOON OH, SUCK MY COCK. I WILL MURDER YOUR FAMILY. FATHER PAT THE REF That's it, you're out. JACKIE MOON What!? What did I say? Jackie takes a ball and drop kicks it, PUNTING IT high up into the rafters. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: COLONELS 111 TROPICS 92. GAME 2) MONIX drives the lane, fast and smart -- A no-look pass hits Scootsie Double-Day in the shoulder. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY AH. MY COLLAR BONE! BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: SQUIRES 90 TROPICS 70. GAME 3) CLARENCE and BEE BEE jog back on Defense. CLARENCE I ain't guarding my guy anymore. BEE BEE ELLIS Why not? CLARENCE He's too'Damn sweaty, man. (re: his wet uniform) Look at me. BEE BEE ELLIS Gross. Well, I ain't guarding him. Monix notices this discussion. MONIX Quit talking and play defense! The sweaty guy backs in on Clarence, posting up top. 44. GAME 5) Jackie Moon plays great defense, rejecting a shot! Monix grabs the ball and dribbles on a fast break. Clarence trails, in perfect position... CLARENCE Right on! I'm open baby! Try a behind-the-back! Monix delivers a nice two handed bounce pass, but Clarence isn't ready for anything fundamentally sound -- The ball hits him in the nuts. CLARENCE Ah, shit. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: PIPERS 105 TROPICS 91. EXT. HOTEL STRIP - NIGHT Angle on a big hotel with fancy lights -- but then we pan to reveal: A shitty motel. The 'Jet' is parked at the cheap place. INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Two twin beds in a crap-box motel room. Monix has the phone to his ear, but it just keeps ringing. He'd leave a message for Lynn, but answering machines haven't been invented yet. He hangs up, looks in the mirror, and now takes his Championship ring necklace off. He looks at the ring in his hand... And shoves it into his duffle bag. CLARENCE (O.S.) I brought us some ice. Monix is startled. Clarence, his roommate for the night, enters. MONIX Ice? What for? CLARENCE I don't know, it's free. Clarence takes some ice, pops it in his mouth and starts crunching. CLARENCE Want some? 45. MONIX No thanks. Now BEE BEE enters, yet another player in the small room. BEE BEE ELLIS That Root Beer machine took my fucking change, man. White people are assholes. Monix ignores this. Laying back, he focuses on the TV: THE CELTICS are playing. Their trapping defense is a thing of beauty. Clarence walks over and flicks the channels, until he stops at 'Love American Style.' MONIX You turned off the Celtics? CLARENCE I don't watch people play basketball. They watch me. With that, Clarence pulls out a JOINT and lights it. MONIX (re: the marijuana) What the Hell is that? CLARENCE (as he inhales) It's a fucking Egg-McMuffin. Monix opens the window, clearing the pot smoke out of his face. JACKIE EXITS the bathroom, having just taken a shower. He's wearing a very small robe. This is now the fourth player who's sleeping in this tiny room. MONIX Why don't you shower in your room? JACKIE MOON My wife is using it. I'll be crashing with you guys tonight. (NOTICING) Ice? Awesome. (as he eats ice, re: TV) Love American Style? Turn it up. 46. Jackie doesn't say a word about the pot. Instead he keeps his eyes glued to the TV, then reaches for the joint and SMOKES IT. MONIX Jackie, have you ever even slept with your wife? JACKIE MOON (LYING) What? Are you kidding? Try, like, every weekend. She's so hot. MONIX Sounds like a great arrangement. JACKIE MOON You guys need to wake up. Quit living like it's the 1950's, man. Live it up. (showing off) Hey Clarence, let's have some of that smoke, bro. MONIX I'm pretty sure we have a game tomorrow. JACKIE MOON (as he inhales) This stuff won't affect you. It's premium. Jackie finishes inhaling, then holds it out for Monix. He stares at the joint, then around the room at his teammates. MONIX Well, if this is really going to be my life, I might as well be stoned like everyone else. JACKIE MOON Well said. Monix takes the stupid joint. The instant Monix inhales he COUGHS LIKE CRAZY. MONIX What the Hell is this? CLARENCE What do you mean? 47. MONIX It's harsh. CLARENCE Take that back. MONIX Take what back? JACKIE MOON His Mom grows it. CLARENCE Yeah, in the yard. MONIX Your Mom grew this? CLARENCE It's sweet grass. MONIX Well, I'm finished, thanks. CLARENCE What's wrong, my Mom's weed ain't good enough for you? MONIX I guess not. JACKIE MOON C'mon man, have some respect for his Mom's weed. CLARENCE That's it, I ain't sleeping in the same bed as this motherfucker. INT. AMIGO STADIUM - ROAD TRIP GAME 6 - NEXT NIGHT Television cameras are being set up. A camera man cleans the lens. Jackie studies the cameras, mesmerized by the idea of television. He speaks with the Amigo's manager. AMIGO MANAGER You want all the fans to sit on one side of the stadium? 48. JACKIE MOON Yeah, just move all those people over to this side. (DEMONSTRATING) See, the TV cameras are going to face this way, right? Well, if we fill the seats on that side, we'll look sold out. AMIGO MANAGER Actually, that's not a bad idea. MEANWHILE, ON THE COURT: Both teams are warming up. Clarence now has a new name on his Jersey. There are so many words, there is barely space for a number. It's a mess. CLARENCE (re: Jersey, new name) Check it out. I sewed it on the bus. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY (struggling to read it) What's it say? CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. The asshole, PETRELLI, wanders over near the Tropics side of the court. PETRELLI Yo, Granny Yarn Barn, how's the needle point going? CLARENCE Kiss my ass, Petrelli. PETRELLI (re: the Jersey name) Hey man, I think you spelled 'Flint sucks balls' wrong. (BEAT) This guy's the next Betsy Ross! Aren't you Clarence? The guys laugh. MONIX walks up, defending his teammate. MONIX No one calls him Clarence. His name IS-- (BEAT) What's your name? 49. CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. MONIX His name's Jumping Johnny Johnson. (nose to nose) You got that? Jackie hurries over. JACKIE MOON Alright, break it up. (to his team) Everyone huddle up!... VAKIDIS! OVER HERE. Where is he walking to? (BEAT) Fuck it. Listen up, we're on National TV tonight. And you all know what that means: The league needs a good clean game. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, that's a bunch of dog shit. JACKIE MOON Hey! You guys want to merge or not? Because the fastest way to screw this up is to start punching people in the face while the commissioner is at home, watching the game with his kids... Children are very impressionable. Their minds are not yet soiled by the cruel realities of this world. BEE BEE ELLIS What? JACKIE MOON No punching. Behind the huddle, FANS BEGIN WALKING RIGHT ACROSS THE COURT. Both teams turn to watch this strange thing. The Amigos manager leads the herd, Jackie helps out, directing them across to the other side. JACKIE MOON THAT'S RIGHT, JUST MOVE RIGHT ACROSS- IF YOU COULD JUST FILL IN ALL OF THOSE EMPTY SEATS IN THAT AREA, THAT'D BE GREAT. 50. INT. AMIGO'S STADIUM - LATER The optical illusion has worked. The game does indeed look crowded. The game is in full swing. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) This sold out crowd is loving this one, the Amigos up by twenty-six here in the second. Monix drains a nice jumper, but out of nowhere, Petrelli, the guy we hate, throws a hard shoulder, knocking Monix to the floor. MONIX That's a moving pick Father Pat! C'mon! FATHER PAT THE REF Play on. Monix can't believe it. Petrelli taunts Monix. PETRELLI What's wrong Monix, cat got your 'nads? Monix faces off. JACKIE MOON MONIX! NO! (POINTING) Not with the cameras. (miming the commish') He's watching. Monix looks around and thinks... MONIX What about commercials? JACKIE MOON What? MONIX Commercials, what about commercials? Jackie thinks about this, then nods 'good idea.' JACKIE MOON I like it. Time out Ref! 51. ANNOUNCER (V.0. ) A time out on the floor, 5:20 left before the half, the Amigos 45, the Tropics 19, we'll be right back after this message from Shasta. The camera's on air' red light turns off. CAMERA MAN (rooting them on) And... You're clear. JACKIE MOON SOMEBODY HIT SOMEBODY! BAM! MONIX CLOCKS PETRELLI. BAM! JACKIE MOON PUNCHES ANOTHER GUY. PETRELLI TAKES THE HIT AND TACKLES MONIX. BOTH BENCHES CLEAR. THE CROWD GOES NUTS. INT. THE COMMISSIONER'S HOUSE - MEANWHILE The commissioner relaxes at home with his two kids... A Shasta commercial is on TV. SHASTA COMMERCIAL (V.0.) (on TV) I want a pop... I want a -- Shasta... INT. AMIGO STADIUM - CONTINUOUS MAYHEM. JACKIE MOON IS YANKING A FAN'S HAIR. A TALL GUY IS ABOUT TO POUND SHORT LITTLE KONG. BUT NOW KONG JUMPS IN THE AIR AND DOES A SWEET ROUND-HOUSE JUDO KICK, KNOCKING THE TALL GUY TO THE FLOOR. KONG Hi-Ya! MEANWHILE: MONIX AND PETRELLI ARE TRADING HOCKEY PUNCHES... CAMERA MAN And we're back in -5- (Monix punches Petrelli) -4- (Petrelli punches Monix) -3- (Monix punches Petrelli) 52 -2- (Monix ducks and punches) (cuing the announcers) AND WE'RE ON. THE 'RED LIGHT' GLOWS. ON A DIME: EVERYONE STOPS PUNCHING, STANDS UP STRAIGHT AND SMILES. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) Welcome back to the ABA game of the week... Players hold their heads in pain. Others limp back to the bench. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) .The camaraderie and spirit of this league is on full display here tonight... Off camera, Monix delivers a secret punch to Patrelli's spleen. INT. LOCKER ROOM - HALF TIME Jackie runs the half time talk, standing in front of the chalk board. JACKIE MOON Okay, solid first half guys, but we're going to have to make some ADJ-- Monix interrupts Jackie, pissed. He addresses the team, stepping in front of Jackie Moon. MONIX --This is bullshit guys. They're kicking our ass in basketball and they're kicking our ass during the commercials, too. Does anybody here understand the concept of the pick and roll? Because they're going to keep double teaming at the top of the key until somebody rotates the Damn ball... JACKIE MOON Yeah! C'mon guys! Rotate the ball. Monix looks at this group and gets even madder. 53. MONIX Does anyone in this room have any pride? Don't you realize, this is thelast four weeks of basketball anyus are ever going to play?Is thishow we're really going togo out?You'd think we'd want toend ourcareers battling, hustling after every loose ball. Boxing out under the boards. Setting picks for our teammates. But we haven't done shit out there. Twiggy Munson and Scootsie Double-Day hang their heads. MONIX We're a bunch of selfish assholes -- And I've got news for you, we aren't going to finish in fourth, we're going to finish dead last. Monix paces in front of the guys, a man possessed. MONIX One day, you're going to look back on your life... And you're going to look back on this time... And you're going to realize... Monix is staring right at Clarence. And Clarence is actually listening... MONIX .You're going to realize you never even played basketball. A moment of silence after the intensity. Monix waddles to the door. MONIX Now, you guys have fun out there in the second half. If anyone needs me, I'll be in the training room, draining my knee. Monix limps off, everyone's head is hanging low. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY He's right. 54. BEE BEE ELLIS Of course he's right. But what the Hell are we supposed to do about it? We don't even have plays. INT. JACKIE MOON'S OFFICE - DAYS LATER We're back in Flint. Jackie is back in his office, speaking on the phone. JACKIE MOON (into phone) Dukes! | knuckle | How many times the word 'knuckle' appears in the text? | 2 |
without looking over... CLARENCE Not everyone sits around dreaming of playing in the NBA, you know. 25. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Maybe not. But you do. TWIGGY MUNSON Yeah, that's all you ever talk about. MONIX You're not jealous, are you Clarence? CLARENCE No one calls me Clarence. BEE BEE ELLIS His name's Downtown. MONIX Okay Downtown. I'll make sure Downtown is only referred to as Downtown, okay Downtown? CLARENCE Don't think I don't know what you're doing. You're doing that thing where you pretend to mean what you say, but you don't. BEE BEE ELLIS Sarcasm. CLARENCE Yeah. How'd you like that sarcasm smacked off your face? MONIX Bring it, funky stuff. BEE BEE ELLIS That's sarcasm, man. He's doing it again! CLARENCE (to Bee Bee) I got this, alright? Monix squares off with a smile that says 'hit me.' Clarence takes off his leather full length and folds it nicely. CLARENCE (in Monix's face) How'd you like a knuckle sandwich? 26. MONIX Knuckle sandwich? Who says that? CLARENCE I do motherfucker. I'm gonna pound you so hard, you're-- MONIX REARS HIS FIST BACK, about to release a strong Popeye HOOK-- CLARENCE WAIT! CLARENCE IMMEDIATELY SWITCHES GEARS, PUTTING HIS HANDS UP LIKE A SCARED LITTLE GIRL. CLARENCE (like a sissy) --WAIT! OKAY? COOL COOL COOL. CHILL OUT, MAN, ALRIGHT? WE'RE COOL-- BAM. MONIX PUNCHES CLARENCE IN THE STOMACH ANYWAY. BEE BEE ELLIS YESSS! I LIKE IT! IT'S OUR OWN TEAM, BUT I LIKE IT. One of the party people, a ball girl, GAYLE, interrupts. GAYLE Excuse me boys. You mind, if I borrow your friend for a minute? INT. DANCE FLOOR - MEANWHILE Jackie is dancing to his own song, still wearing the ice packs on his knees. The song ends and A DIFFERENT ONE STARTS. JACKIE MOON (looking to the DJ) Hold on a second. MELINDA What's wrong? JACKIE MOON Where's the boogie? Jackie fights his way through the crowd to the DJ booth. JACKIE MOON (to DJ, over music) HEY! WHERE'S THE BOOGIE? 27. DJ I ALREADY PLAYED YOUR SONG FOUR TIMES. JACKIE MOON GET UP. DJ NO. YOU CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS, JACKIE. I'M THE DJ. JACKIE MOON (taking over as DJ) NOT ANY MORE. YOU'RE ON SNACK PATROL. SCREECH -- The music stops. JACKIE MOON (into the mic) The year was 1973. A young musician named Jackie Moon, finishes years of musical training, only to find he is a slave to the notes on the page. He knows it's time to break free. In a sudden fit of creative mastery, he grabs a pen and a napkin and writes a song that breaks all the rules. Ladies and gentleman... Let's get sweaty. MUSIC CUE: Jackie's song. Everyone goes crazy. JACKIE MOON (V.0.) (studio version) Baby, who wants to; love me sexy. baby, are you ready to; lick me sexy. Take off your shoes and; suck me sexy. Baby, we're naked and we're; humping sexy-- INT. DAIQUIRI ROOM - NIGHT Gayle and Monix walk upstairs into the 'coolest' room ever. Carpet on the ceiling, a plaid couch, a fish tank, a water bed, mirrors, etc. GAYLE I'm glad they traded for you, I got myself a cute one. MONIX So, this is the Daiquiri room? 28. LUCY MOON (O.S. ) That's right. REVEAL: LUCY MOON, Jackie's wife, is on the couch. She's the hottest girl in the world. LUCY MOON What do you think, Gayle? Does he like it with my boots on, or does he like my boots off? GAYLE He seems like a boots on kind of guy. LUCY MOON Then it looks like I'm ready. As soon as you slide these shorts off of me. MONIX Aren't you Jackie's wife? LUCY MOON He knows about the Daiquiri room. GAYLE It's a new tradition we're starting, when new players join. MONIX I see. Well, I'm going to have to pass. I'm good, thanks. LUCY MOON Honey, you don't know what good is. With that, Lucy flicks on the stereo-- MUSIC CUE: THE BAR KEYS 'TOO HOT TO STOP.' MONIX Listen um... (i.e. what's your name?) GAYLE My name is 'no strings attached.' LUCY MOON You can call me Mrs. Moon. Gayle and Lucy perform a funky/seductive dance, moving closer and closer to Monix. 29. MONIX I don't think this is going to happen, Mrs. Moon. LUCY MOON It has to. GAYLE It's bad luck if you don't. MONIX Yeah, I'd hate to bring bad luck to Flint Michigan. Lucy has sprayed some WHIP CREAM on her nipples. LUCY MOON (whip cream) Why don't you lick these clean for me? MONIX I can't eat dairy. Lucy decides that now is a good time to aggressively KISS him. Monix pushes her away. MONIX Nice tits, Mrs. Moon. I gotta go. Monix walks down the stairs. LUCY MOON (calling after him) I see what this is: You want us to send Eric and Marcus up here? On the way out, Monix flicks her off. INT. LYNN'S HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT Lynn is asleep next to Kyle. She awakes to someone pounding on the door. EXT. LYNN'S FRONT YARD - NIGHT Lynn has arrived at the screen door. Monix, wasted, doesn't notice Lynn yet, he keeps pounding until she opens it. LYNN Why are you here? 30. MONIX I got traded. LYNN I mean, why are you here? MONIX Can we talk? KYLE (O.S.) --Yo, Monix, you're wasted! Ha! Kyle has come out to say hi. MONIX Yeah. Sorry man-- KYLE What's up! That of jump shot of yours ain't broke yet, is it? MONIX No. Ha. KYLE Great back door cut for the lay-up in the third. That's how basketball should be played. MONIX Kyle, can you give us a second? We need to talk. KYLE No problem. Great game tonight man. MONIX Why does your boyfriend like me so much? LYNN You're his favorite player. MONIX Look, there are still some things I think we need to talk about. LYNN I've already said everything I'm ever going to say to you. 31. MONIX I see. (BEAT) Well, I guess I'll be leaving then. Monix walks away... Then turns back. MONIX You're really not going to stop me? LYNN No. Monix walks more, until Lynn speaks. LYNN You're going to end up walking with a cane the rest of your life. You have to quit. MONIX And do what? LYNN I don't know... Kill yourself, I guess. MONIX Kill myself? LYNN You act like there's nothing else in the world besides basketball. If that's how you really feel, then go ahead and get it over with. I'm going to sleep. MONIX Thanks for the pep. talk. LYNN No problem. MONIX Lynn. (she opens the door again) Can I ask you for one favor? LYNN You want a favor? MONIX My knee. 32. LYNN Oh, Jesus Christ Monix. It's 4 a.m. Lynn stares at him in disbelief. Monix shrugs. MONIX No one here can drain it right. LYNN Fine. Monix nods, then makes a move toward the door. LYNN No. You're not coming in. We'll do it in the yard. DISSOLVE TO: INT. JACKIE'S MONTE CARLO - DAYS LATER Jackie drives in his car, practicing for the meeting. tries to build some confidence. JACKIE MOON (into the rear view, very CIVILIZED) Well, hello Commissioner -- Why sure, I would love one of your Puerto Rican cigars -- Oh, I know I'm a legitimate owner, you don't have to tell me that -- We're merging with the NBA? Oh, that's nice -- Ha Ha Ha! Good one, Commish ... EXT. INDIANAPOLIS - CONTINUOUS A brick building on the outskirts of Indianapolis. A sign says. WELCOME ABA OWNERS. Jackie pulls into the lot and parks. He looks in the mirror one last time. JACKIE MOON Your Mom would be proud of you today. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS Not-quite-Rich guys surround a large oak table. JACKIE is by far the youngest of the owners. 33. COMMISH .I'm sure each of you have heard the rumors. And I'm here to tell you, the rumors are true. The ABA will be merging with the NBA at the end of this season. JACKIE MOON YES!!! (to an old guy) GIVE ME TEN, NORTON! YES!! (fists to the ceiling) EVERYONE CAN EAT SHIT! I AM THE GREATEST MAN IN THE WORLD! COMMISH Our league is sold. And the NBA agreed to all of our financial demands! Now Jackie turns inward, more quietly intense. This is, without question, the greatest moment of his life. JACKIE MOON (to himself) You're a real owner. You're in the NBA. COMMISH Four of our teams will be absorbed into the NBA family, the rest of you will terminate operations. JACKIE MOON Exactly! You know it! (now hearing) I'm sorry, wait, what? COMMISH The Nuggets, The Nets, The Spurs and the Pacers will play in the NBA next year. The rest of us will dissolve. JACKIE MOON Dissolve? Dissolve, like, how? How do I dissolve into the NBA? The winning owners look at each other, not sure how to handle Jackie. JACKIE MOON What's happening? 34. COMMISH I'm sorry Jackie. We all know how. emotional you get. We waited until the very last second to tell you. Jackie pounds the table. JACKIE MOON No. NO! NO!!! He kicks over his chair... THE COMMISH We know you're upset, Jackie. But you'll be very well compensated. LOSING OWNER #1 Everyone's agreed to a very large sum. JACKIE MOON I don't want a sum! I want my team! (to the losing owners) C'mon you guys, you're not going to just sit here and take the money, are you? They are. JACKIE MOON (to winning owners) What do the Spurs have that we don't? THE COMMISH A huge fan base. A brand new stadium. A solid economic growth package, including strong tax incentives. JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon, that's BULLSHIT! COMMISH The NBA is taking four teams, Jackie, there's nothing I can do. Jackie goes quiet, thinking... An epic idea hits him. JACKIE MOON The best four teams should go. 35. COMMISH What? JACKIE MOON Forget the huge fan base, the stadiums, the economic... (a little lost) Growing... package... inventions... WINNING OWNER #1 (correcting him) Economic growth pack-- JACKIE MOON I KNOW WHAT I SAID! (to the room) The four teams with the best records should merge. LOSING OWNER #2 He's right. LOSING OWNER #1 Yeah, that's the fairest way. COMMISH These four teams DO have the best records. Flint's only won six games all year! JACKIE MOON So far. The season isn't over. LOSING OWNER #2 Yeah, maybe we should finish the season first. COMMISH This plan sounds like a lot of fun, but it's too late. The commissioner, me, has already decided. LOSING OWNER #2 Actually, the terms of a merger can only be approved by a league mandate. JACKIE MOON YES. That's right. What he said. 36. LOSING OWNER #1 I move that we vote on the terms of the merger. EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NEXT DAY The team sits around the parking lot, sitting on their duffle bags, dejected. Jackie is having a team meeting. JACKIE MOON C'mon you guys, let's try to stay psyched. This is a chance to become a real NBA franchise! CLARENCE There's no way we can make it to fourth place. It's mathematically impossible. JACKIE MOON I ran the numbers. All we have to do is win about eighty-two percent of our remaining games. CLARENCE Eighty-two percent? Isn't that a lot? JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon! We just gotta start hitting our threes. (guys look around, unsure) Listen, I know this seems like bad news, but it doesn't have to be. This is a big road trip for us. We've just got to start playing solid Flint basketball. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY I don't know. We suck, man. JACKIE SLAPS SCOOTSIE. JACKIE MOON (re: The slap) Sorry. JACKIE SLAPS HIM AGAIN, HARDER. JACKIE MOON We do not suck, okay? We just have to want it! 37. Pumped, Jackie walks around with his hands on his hips. BEE BEE ELLIS What do you think, Monix? All eyes turn on the grumpy one. MONIX I think we suck. JACKIE MOON Well... See, now there's some team unity! Now let's load up the jet. REVEAL: A SHITTY SCHOOL BUS has the words 'THE JET!' Spray- painted in graffiti letters with a palm tree next to it. JACKIE MOON (as they load up) Now we've got a special treat. You know I take care of my family. Today, the Jet is catered. I had Downtown's Mom pack us some hot dish. BEE BEE ELLIS Ms. Quincy's hot dish? Sweet! INT. BUS - CONTINUOUS The guys load up. It's so packed it's ridiculous. Everyone tries to stuff their gear somewhere and sit down. Jackie carries a big pot of hot dish, accidentally burning Scootsie's back. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Ah, watch the hot dish, man. JACKIE MOON Sorry Scootsie. TWIGGY MUNSON Hey Jackie, there's some dude out there, wants to talk to you. POV: Out the window, we can see DUKES, the full court shot winner, holding his GIANT CHECK and looking into the bus. He's still shirtless, with a star-spangled headband. EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - MOMENTS LATER Jackie and Dukes are next to the bus, discussing the check. 38. DUKES I tried Jackie. They won't take it. They said it's 'symbolic.' JACKIE MOON What does symbolic mean? DUKES I don't know. But they said I need a real check. JACKIE MOON I don't know what your bank is talking about. That is a real check. I signed it myself. DUKES It's written in glitter, dude. Can't you just give me, like, a regular sized one? JACKIE MOON I don't get it. People are usually able to cash these. Maybe you should try another bank. (trying to wrap it up) If you run into any more trouble, let me know. DUKES Okay Jackie, thanks man. JACKIE MOON Any time, congratulations. Jackie turns away from Dukes and exhales, walking back to the bus. MUSIC CUE: 'SHORT PEOPLE' BY RANDY NEWMAN. EXT. THE HIGHWAY - DAY We're flying down the highway. INT. THE JET - DAY Kong, the small Asian player, is driving, singing along with Jackie to the radio... JACKIE MOON & KONG (singing Randy Newman) SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... 39. SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE Jackie reaches up into a special bin and takes out some beef jerky, then yells out the window. JACKIE (out the window at a car) YOU IN-THE-GREEN-CAR GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE... Pan back to see the whole team crammed into tiny seats. Vakidis has his knees pointing straight toward the ceiling. Twiggy Munson is reading '70's pornography. Clarence is sewing a new name onto his jersey. The rest of the guys are eating their hot dish. MONIX So, Clarence, what's in this 'hot dish' anyway? CLARENCE My Mom cooked your ass a whole Damn meal, why you gotta go asking what's in it? MONIX It's a compliment. It's good. CLARENCE If it's good, then it's good. Why do you gotta know what's in it? What's in hot dish? Hot dish is in hot dish, asshole. BEE BEE and SCOOTSIE look over the seat, facing them. BEE BEE ELLIS Hey Monix, what were the Celtics like? MONIX They were fast. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Fast? No one's faster than me. I should be on the Celtics. MONIX (pointing to his mind) Fast up here. 40. BEE BEE ELLIS You're supposed to be Mr. Smartball. Why'd you get bounced? MONIX Well, you have to be able to jump too. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Hey, let us see that ring again. MONIX Not right now, okay Twiggy? CLARENCE Isn't it a little embarrassing wearing that thing everyday? MONIX Embarrassing? CLARENCE You call yourself a Celtic? You sat through every single playoff game. You didn't see action once. And now you walk around wearing the ice like you're Bill Russel. Well you ain't. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, you're just jealous. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Yeah, Monix played solid minutes, for lots of teams. He's played in the NBA, that's more than you can say. CLARENCE Whatever. At least I never sat on the bench and then called myself a champion. You didn't do shit for that Celtic team. If I was Dave Cowens, I'd yank that ring right off your neck. That was a pretty heated exchange. Monix looks like he's got something to say, but he doesn't. Clarence has the last word. CLARENCE He doesn't wear it on his finger because he knows he didn't earn it. He didn't even play. 41. Monix looks out the window. EXT. ROAD GAME #1 - NIGHT 'The Jet' is parked outside the arena. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) We're just a few minutes away from game one of the Tropic's 6 game road trip. With talk of an NBA merger hitting the league, there's a new electricity surrounding tonight's game... INT. VISITOR'S LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT Jackie addresses his team before tip off. JACKIE MOON Alright. Now, a lot of people out there are writing us off. A lot people are saying things like 'Jackie Moon is an offensive liability.' They're saying 'Flint's turnovers led to sixty fast break points per game.' (Making this up) They're saying 'Bee Bee's retarded brother is so retarded that his eyes look too big,. Like a French Bulldog. BEE BEE ELLIS No one said that, man. JACKIE MOON (trying to motivate) Yes they did. And we're going to use it as motivation, okay? THIS IS OUR TIME! WE'RE GOING TO SHOOT MORE THAN WE'VE EVER SHOT BEFORE! NOW BRING IT IN! READY? ONE TWO THREE- EVERYONE LET'S GET TROPICAL! MONTAGE: FLINT PLAYS HARDER BUT THEY STILL SUCK. GAME 1) JACKIE MOON sprints across the floor tries to get two f eet planted in the lane. It's not even close, JACKIE HAS TAKEN A GUY DOWN HARD. The ref whistles a blocking foul. 42. JACKIE MOON OH, C'MON!? Where's the charge, Father Pat? FATHER PAT THE REF Both feet weren't planted. JACKIE MOON OH, SUCK MY COCK. I WILL MURDER YOUR FAMILY. FATHER PAT THE REF That's it, you're out. JACKIE MOON What!? What did I say? Jackie takes a ball and drop kicks it, PUNTING IT high up into the rafters. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: COLONELS 111 TROPICS 92. GAME 2) MONIX drives the lane, fast and smart -- A no-look pass hits Scootsie Double-Day in the shoulder. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY AH. MY COLLAR BONE! BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: SQUIRES 90 TROPICS 70. GAME 3) CLARENCE and BEE BEE jog back on Defense. CLARENCE I ain't guarding my guy anymore. BEE BEE ELLIS Why not? CLARENCE He's too'Damn sweaty, man. (re: his wet uniform) Look at me. BEE BEE ELLIS Gross. Well, I ain't guarding him. Monix notices this discussion. MONIX Quit talking and play defense! The sweaty guy backs in on Clarence, posting up top. 44. GAME 5) Jackie Moon plays great defense, rejecting a shot! Monix grabs the ball and dribbles on a fast break. Clarence trails, in perfect position... CLARENCE Right on! I'm open baby! Try a behind-the-back! Monix delivers a nice two handed bounce pass, but Clarence isn't ready for anything fundamentally sound -- The ball hits him in the nuts. CLARENCE Ah, shit. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: PIPERS 105 TROPICS 91. EXT. HOTEL STRIP - NIGHT Angle on a big hotel with fancy lights -- but then we pan to reveal: A shitty motel. The 'Jet' is parked at the cheap place. INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Two twin beds in a crap-box motel room. Monix has the phone to his ear, but it just keeps ringing. He'd leave a message for Lynn, but answering machines haven't been invented yet. He hangs up, looks in the mirror, and now takes his Championship ring necklace off. He looks at the ring in his hand... And shoves it into his duffle bag. CLARENCE (O.S.) I brought us some ice. Monix is startled. Clarence, his roommate for the night, enters. MONIX Ice? What for? CLARENCE I don't know, it's free. Clarence takes some ice, pops it in his mouth and starts crunching. CLARENCE Want some? 45. MONIX No thanks. Now BEE BEE enters, yet another player in the small room. BEE BEE ELLIS That Root Beer machine took my fucking change, man. White people are assholes. Monix ignores this. Laying back, he focuses on the TV: THE CELTICS are playing. Their trapping defense is a thing of beauty. Clarence walks over and flicks the channels, until he stops at 'Love American Style.' MONIX You turned off the Celtics? CLARENCE I don't watch people play basketball. They watch me. With that, Clarence pulls out a JOINT and lights it. MONIX (re: the marijuana) What the Hell is that? CLARENCE (as he inhales) It's a fucking Egg-McMuffin. Monix opens the window, clearing the pot smoke out of his face. JACKIE EXITS the bathroom, having just taken a shower. He's wearing a very small robe. This is now the fourth player who's sleeping in this tiny room. MONIX Why don't you shower in your room? JACKIE MOON My wife is using it. I'll be crashing with you guys tonight. (NOTICING) Ice? Awesome. (as he eats ice, re: TV) Love American Style? Turn it up. 46. Jackie doesn't say a word about the pot. Instead he keeps his eyes glued to the TV, then reaches for the joint and SMOKES IT. MONIX Jackie, have you ever even slept with your wife? JACKIE MOON (LYING) What? Are you kidding? Try, like, every weekend. She's so hot. MONIX Sounds like a great arrangement. JACKIE MOON You guys need to wake up. Quit living like it's the 1950's, man. Live it up. (showing off) Hey Clarence, let's have some of that smoke, bro. MONIX I'm pretty sure we have a game tomorrow. JACKIE MOON (as he inhales) This stuff won't affect you. It's premium. Jackie finishes inhaling, then holds it out for Monix. He stares at the joint, then around the room at his teammates. MONIX Well, if this is really going to be my life, I might as well be stoned like everyone else. JACKIE MOON Well said. Monix takes the stupid joint. The instant Monix inhales he COUGHS LIKE CRAZY. MONIX What the Hell is this? CLARENCE What do you mean? 47. MONIX It's harsh. CLARENCE Take that back. MONIX Take what back? JACKIE MOON His Mom grows it. CLARENCE Yeah, in the yard. MONIX Your Mom grew this? CLARENCE It's sweet grass. MONIX Well, I'm finished, thanks. CLARENCE What's wrong, my Mom's weed ain't good enough for you? MONIX I guess not. JACKIE MOON C'mon man, have some respect for his Mom's weed. CLARENCE That's it, I ain't sleeping in the same bed as this motherfucker. INT. AMIGO STADIUM - ROAD TRIP GAME 6 - NEXT NIGHT Television cameras are being set up. A camera man cleans the lens. Jackie studies the cameras, mesmerized by the idea of television. He speaks with the Amigo's manager. AMIGO MANAGER You want all the fans to sit on one side of the stadium? 48. JACKIE MOON Yeah, just move all those people over to this side. (DEMONSTRATING) See, the TV cameras are going to face this way, right? Well, if we fill the seats on that side, we'll look sold out. AMIGO MANAGER Actually, that's not a bad idea. MEANWHILE, ON THE COURT: Both teams are warming up. Clarence now has a new name on his Jersey. There are so many words, there is barely space for a number. It's a mess. CLARENCE (re: Jersey, new name) Check it out. I sewed it on the bus. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY (struggling to read it) What's it say? CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. The asshole, PETRELLI, wanders over near the Tropics side of the court. PETRELLI Yo, Granny Yarn Barn, how's the needle point going? CLARENCE Kiss my ass, Petrelli. PETRELLI (re: the Jersey name) Hey man, I think you spelled 'Flint sucks balls' wrong. (BEAT) This guy's the next Betsy Ross! Aren't you Clarence? The guys laugh. MONIX walks up, defending his teammate. MONIX No one calls him Clarence. His name IS-- (BEAT) What's your name? 49. CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. MONIX His name's Jumping Johnny Johnson. (nose to nose) You got that? Jackie hurries over. JACKIE MOON Alright, break it up. (to his team) Everyone huddle up!... VAKIDIS! OVER HERE. Where is he walking to? (BEAT) Fuck it. Listen up, we're on National TV tonight. And you all know what that means: The league needs a good clean game. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, that's a bunch of dog shit. JACKIE MOON Hey! You guys want to merge or not? Because the fastest way to screw this up is to start punching people in the face while the commissioner is at home, watching the game with his kids... Children are very impressionable. Their minds are not yet soiled by the cruel realities of this world. BEE BEE ELLIS What? JACKIE MOON No punching. Behind the huddle, FANS BEGIN WALKING RIGHT ACROSS THE COURT. Both teams turn to watch this strange thing. The Amigos manager leads the herd, Jackie helps out, directing them across to the other side. JACKIE MOON THAT'S RIGHT, JUST MOVE RIGHT ACROSS- IF YOU COULD JUST FILL IN ALL OF THOSE EMPTY SEATS IN THAT AREA, THAT'D BE GREAT. 50. INT. AMIGO'S STADIUM - LATER The optical illusion has worked. The game does indeed look crowded. The game is in full swing. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) This sold out crowd is loving this one, the Amigos up by twenty-six here in the second. Monix drains a nice jumper, but out of nowhere, Petrelli, the guy we hate, throws a hard shoulder, knocking Monix to the floor. MONIX That's a moving pick Father Pat! C'mon! FATHER PAT THE REF Play on. Monix can't believe it. Petrelli taunts Monix. PETRELLI What's wrong Monix, cat got your 'nads? Monix faces off. JACKIE MOON MONIX! NO! (POINTING) Not with the cameras. (miming the commish') He's watching. Monix looks around and thinks... MONIX What about commercials? JACKIE MOON What? MONIX Commercials, what about commercials? Jackie thinks about this, then nods 'good idea.' JACKIE MOON I like it. Time out Ref! 51. ANNOUNCER (V.0. ) A time out on the floor, 5:20 left before the half, the Amigos 45, the Tropics 19, we'll be right back after this message from Shasta. The camera's on air' red light turns off. CAMERA MAN (rooting them on) And... You're clear. JACKIE MOON SOMEBODY HIT SOMEBODY! BAM! MONIX CLOCKS PETRELLI. BAM! JACKIE MOON PUNCHES ANOTHER GUY. PETRELLI TAKES THE HIT AND TACKLES MONIX. BOTH BENCHES CLEAR. THE CROWD GOES NUTS. INT. THE COMMISSIONER'S HOUSE - MEANWHILE The commissioner relaxes at home with his two kids... A Shasta commercial is on TV. SHASTA COMMERCIAL (V.0.) (on TV) I want a pop... I want a -- Shasta... INT. AMIGO STADIUM - CONTINUOUS MAYHEM. JACKIE MOON IS YANKING A FAN'S HAIR. A TALL GUY IS ABOUT TO POUND SHORT LITTLE KONG. BUT NOW KONG JUMPS IN THE AIR AND DOES A SWEET ROUND-HOUSE JUDO KICK, KNOCKING THE TALL GUY TO THE FLOOR. KONG Hi-Ya! MEANWHILE: MONIX AND PETRELLI ARE TRADING HOCKEY PUNCHES... CAMERA MAN And we're back in -5- (Monix punches Petrelli) -4- (Petrelli punches Monix) -3- (Monix punches Petrelli) 52 -2- (Monix ducks and punches) (cuing the announcers) AND WE'RE ON. THE 'RED LIGHT' GLOWS. ON A DIME: EVERYONE STOPS PUNCHING, STANDS UP STRAIGHT AND SMILES. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) Welcome back to the ABA game of the week... Players hold their heads in pain. Others limp back to the bench. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) .The camaraderie and spirit of this league is on full display here tonight... Off camera, Monix delivers a secret punch to Patrelli's spleen. INT. LOCKER ROOM - HALF TIME Jackie runs the half time talk, standing in front of the chalk board. JACKIE MOON Okay, solid first half guys, but we're going to have to make some ADJ-- Monix interrupts Jackie, pissed. He addresses the team, stepping in front of Jackie Moon. MONIX --This is bullshit guys. They're kicking our ass in basketball and they're kicking our ass during the commercials, too. Does anybody here understand the concept of the pick and roll? Because they're going to keep double teaming at the top of the key until somebody rotates the Damn ball... JACKIE MOON Yeah! C'mon guys! Rotate the ball. Monix looks at this group and gets even madder. 53. MONIX Does anyone in this room have any pride? Don't you realize, this is thelast four weeks of basketball anyus are ever going to play?Is thishow we're really going togo out?You'd think we'd want toend ourcareers battling, hustling after every loose ball. Boxing out under the boards. Setting picks for our teammates. But we haven't done shit out there. Twiggy Munson and Scootsie Double-Day hang their heads. MONIX We're a bunch of selfish assholes -- And I've got news for you, we aren't going to finish in fourth, we're going to finish dead last. Monix paces in front of the guys, a man possessed. MONIX One day, you're going to look back on your life... And you're going to look back on this time... And you're going to realize... Monix is staring right at Clarence. And Clarence is actually listening... MONIX .You're going to realize you never even played basketball. A moment of silence after the intensity. Monix waddles to the door. MONIX Now, you guys have fun out there in the second half. If anyone needs me, I'll be in the training room, draining my knee. Monix limps off, everyone's head is hanging low. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY He's right. 54. BEE BEE ELLIS Of course he's right. But what the Hell are we supposed to do about it? We don't even have plays. INT. JACKIE MOON'S OFFICE - DAYS LATER We're back in Flint. Jackie is back in his office, speaking on the phone. JACKIE MOON (into phone) Dukes! | short | How many times the word 'short' appears in the text? | 3 |
without looking over... CLARENCE Not everyone sits around dreaming of playing in the NBA, you know. 25. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Maybe not. But you do. TWIGGY MUNSON Yeah, that's all you ever talk about. MONIX You're not jealous, are you Clarence? CLARENCE No one calls me Clarence. BEE BEE ELLIS His name's Downtown. MONIX Okay Downtown. I'll make sure Downtown is only referred to as Downtown, okay Downtown? CLARENCE Don't think I don't know what you're doing. You're doing that thing where you pretend to mean what you say, but you don't. BEE BEE ELLIS Sarcasm. CLARENCE Yeah. How'd you like that sarcasm smacked off your face? MONIX Bring it, funky stuff. BEE BEE ELLIS That's sarcasm, man. He's doing it again! CLARENCE (to Bee Bee) I got this, alright? Monix squares off with a smile that says 'hit me.' Clarence takes off his leather full length and folds it nicely. CLARENCE (in Monix's face) How'd you like a knuckle sandwich? 26. MONIX Knuckle sandwich? Who says that? CLARENCE I do motherfucker. I'm gonna pound you so hard, you're-- MONIX REARS HIS FIST BACK, about to release a strong Popeye HOOK-- CLARENCE WAIT! CLARENCE IMMEDIATELY SWITCHES GEARS, PUTTING HIS HANDS UP LIKE A SCARED LITTLE GIRL. CLARENCE (like a sissy) --WAIT! OKAY? COOL COOL COOL. CHILL OUT, MAN, ALRIGHT? WE'RE COOL-- BAM. MONIX PUNCHES CLARENCE IN THE STOMACH ANYWAY. BEE BEE ELLIS YESSS! I LIKE IT! IT'S OUR OWN TEAM, BUT I LIKE IT. One of the party people, a ball girl, GAYLE, interrupts. GAYLE Excuse me boys. You mind, if I borrow your friend for a minute? INT. DANCE FLOOR - MEANWHILE Jackie is dancing to his own song, still wearing the ice packs on his knees. The song ends and A DIFFERENT ONE STARTS. JACKIE MOON (looking to the DJ) Hold on a second. MELINDA What's wrong? JACKIE MOON Where's the boogie? Jackie fights his way through the crowd to the DJ booth. JACKIE MOON (to DJ, over music) HEY! WHERE'S THE BOOGIE? 27. DJ I ALREADY PLAYED YOUR SONG FOUR TIMES. JACKIE MOON GET UP. DJ NO. YOU CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS, JACKIE. I'M THE DJ. JACKIE MOON (taking over as DJ) NOT ANY MORE. YOU'RE ON SNACK PATROL. SCREECH -- The music stops. JACKIE MOON (into the mic) The year was 1973. A young musician named Jackie Moon, finishes years of musical training, only to find he is a slave to the notes on the page. He knows it's time to break free. In a sudden fit of creative mastery, he grabs a pen and a napkin and writes a song that breaks all the rules. Ladies and gentleman... Let's get sweaty. MUSIC CUE: Jackie's song. Everyone goes crazy. JACKIE MOON (V.0.) (studio version) Baby, who wants to; love me sexy. baby, are you ready to; lick me sexy. Take off your shoes and; suck me sexy. Baby, we're naked and we're; humping sexy-- INT. DAIQUIRI ROOM - NIGHT Gayle and Monix walk upstairs into the 'coolest' room ever. Carpet on the ceiling, a plaid couch, a fish tank, a water bed, mirrors, etc. GAYLE I'm glad they traded for you, I got myself a cute one. MONIX So, this is the Daiquiri room? 28. LUCY MOON (O.S. ) That's right. REVEAL: LUCY MOON, Jackie's wife, is on the couch. She's the hottest girl in the world. LUCY MOON What do you think, Gayle? Does he like it with my boots on, or does he like my boots off? GAYLE He seems like a boots on kind of guy. LUCY MOON Then it looks like I'm ready. As soon as you slide these shorts off of me. MONIX Aren't you Jackie's wife? LUCY MOON He knows about the Daiquiri room. GAYLE It's a new tradition we're starting, when new players join. MONIX I see. Well, I'm going to have to pass. I'm good, thanks. LUCY MOON Honey, you don't know what good is. With that, Lucy flicks on the stereo-- MUSIC CUE: THE BAR KEYS 'TOO HOT TO STOP.' MONIX Listen um... (i.e. what's your name?) GAYLE My name is 'no strings attached.' LUCY MOON You can call me Mrs. Moon. Gayle and Lucy perform a funky/seductive dance, moving closer and closer to Monix. 29. MONIX I don't think this is going to happen, Mrs. Moon. LUCY MOON It has to. GAYLE It's bad luck if you don't. MONIX Yeah, I'd hate to bring bad luck to Flint Michigan. Lucy has sprayed some WHIP CREAM on her nipples. LUCY MOON (whip cream) Why don't you lick these clean for me? MONIX I can't eat dairy. Lucy decides that now is a good time to aggressively KISS him. Monix pushes her away. MONIX Nice tits, Mrs. Moon. I gotta go. Monix walks down the stairs. LUCY MOON (calling after him) I see what this is: You want us to send Eric and Marcus up here? On the way out, Monix flicks her off. INT. LYNN'S HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT Lynn is asleep next to Kyle. She awakes to someone pounding on the door. EXT. LYNN'S FRONT YARD - NIGHT Lynn has arrived at the screen door. Monix, wasted, doesn't notice Lynn yet, he keeps pounding until she opens it. LYNN Why are you here? 30. MONIX I got traded. LYNN I mean, why are you here? MONIX Can we talk? KYLE (O.S.) --Yo, Monix, you're wasted! Ha! Kyle has come out to say hi. MONIX Yeah. Sorry man-- KYLE What's up! That of jump shot of yours ain't broke yet, is it? MONIX No. Ha. KYLE Great back door cut for the lay-up in the third. That's how basketball should be played. MONIX Kyle, can you give us a second? We need to talk. KYLE No problem. Great game tonight man. MONIX Why does your boyfriend like me so much? LYNN You're his favorite player. MONIX Look, there are still some things I think we need to talk about. LYNN I've already said everything I'm ever going to say to you. 31. MONIX I see. (BEAT) Well, I guess I'll be leaving then. Monix walks away... Then turns back. MONIX You're really not going to stop me? LYNN No. Monix walks more, until Lynn speaks. LYNN You're going to end up walking with a cane the rest of your life. You have to quit. MONIX And do what? LYNN I don't know... Kill yourself, I guess. MONIX Kill myself? LYNN You act like there's nothing else in the world besides basketball. If that's how you really feel, then go ahead and get it over with. I'm going to sleep. MONIX Thanks for the pep. talk. LYNN No problem. MONIX Lynn. (she opens the door again) Can I ask you for one favor? LYNN You want a favor? MONIX My knee. 32. LYNN Oh, Jesus Christ Monix. It's 4 a.m. Lynn stares at him in disbelief. Monix shrugs. MONIX No one here can drain it right. LYNN Fine. Monix nods, then makes a move toward the door. LYNN No. You're not coming in. We'll do it in the yard. DISSOLVE TO: INT. JACKIE'S MONTE CARLO - DAYS LATER Jackie drives in his car, practicing for the meeting. tries to build some confidence. JACKIE MOON (into the rear view, very CIVILIZED) Well, hello Commissioner -- Why sure, I would love one of your Puerto Rican cigars -- Oh, I know I'm a legitimate owner, you don't have to tell me that -- We're merging with the NBA? Oh, that's nice -- Ha Ha Ha! Good one, Commish ... EXT. INDIANAPOLIS - CONTINUOUS A brick building on the outskirts of Indianapolis. A sign says. WELCOME ABA OWNERS. Jackie pulls into the lot and parks. He looks in the mirror one last time. JACKIE MOON Your Mom would be proud of you today. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS Not-quite-Rich guys surround a large oak table. JACKIE is by far the youngest of the owners. 33. COMMISH .I'm sure each of you have heard the rumors. And I'm here to tell you, the rumors are true. The ABA will be merging with the NBA at the end of this season. JACKIE MOON YES!!! (to an old guy) GIVE ME TEN, NORTON! YES!! (fists to the ceiling) EVERYONE CAN EAT SHIT! I AM THE GREATEST MAN IN THE WORLD! COMMISH Our league is sold. And the NBA agreed to all of our financial demands! Now Jackie turns inward, more quietly intense. This is, without question, the greatest moment of his life. JACKIE MOON (to himself) You're a real owner. You're in the NBA. COMMISH Four of our teams will be absorbed into the NBA family, the rest of you will terminate operations. JACKIE MOON Exactly! You know it! (now hearing) I'm sorry, wait, what? COMMISH The Nuggets, The Nets, The Spurs and the Pacers will play in the NBA next year. The rest of us will dissolve. JACKIE MOON Dissolve? Dissolve, like, how? How do I dissolve into the NBA? The winning owners look at each other, not sure how to handle Jackie. JACKIE MOON What's happening? 34. COMMISH I'm sorry Jackie. We all know how. emotional you get. We waited until the very last second to tell you. Jackie pounds the table. JACKIE MOON No. NO! NO!!! He kicks over his chair... THE COMMISH We know you're upset, Jackie. But you'll be very well compensated. LOSING OWNER #1 Everyone's agreed to a very large sum. JACKIE MOON I don't want a sum! I want my team! (to the losing owners) C'mon you guys, you're not going to just sit here and take the money, are you? They are. JACKIE MOON (to winning owners) What do the Spurs have that we don't? THE COMMISH A huge fan base. A brand new stadium. A solid economic growth package, including strong tax incentives. JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon, that's BULLSHIT! COMMISH The NBA is taking four teams, Jackie, there's nothing I can do. Jackie goes quiet, thinking... An epic idea hits him. JACKIE MOON The best four teams should go. 35. COMMISH What? JACKIE MOON Forget the huge fan base, the stadiums, the economic... (a little lost) Growing... package... inventions... WINNING OWNER #1 (correcting him) Economic growth pack-- JACKIE MOON I KNOW WHAT I SAID! (to the room) The four teams with the best records should merge. LOSING OWNER #2 He's right. LOSING OWNER #1 Yeah, that's the fairest way. COMMISH These four teams DO have the best records. Flint's only won six games all year! JACKIE MOON So far. The season isn't over. LOSING OWNER #2 Yeah, maybe we should finish the season first. COMMISH This plan sounds like a lot of fun, but it's too late. The commissioner, me, has already decided. LOSING OWNER #2 Actually, the terms of a merger can only be approved by a league mandate. JACKIE MOON YES. That's right. What he said. 36. LOSING OWNER #1 I move that we vote on the terms of the merger. EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NEXT DAY The team sits around the parking lot, sitting on their duffle bags, dejected. Jackie is having a team meeting. JACKIE MOON C'mon you guys, let's try to stay psyched. This is a chance to become a real NBA franchise! CLARENCE There's no way we can make it to fourth place. It's mathematically impossible. JACKIE MOON I ran the numbers. All we have to do is win about eighty-two percent of our remaining games. CLARENCE Eighty-two percent? Isn't that a lot? JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon! We just gotta start hitting our threes. (guys look around, unsure) Listen, I know this seems like bad news, but it doesn't have to be. This is a big road trip for us. We've just got to start playing solid Flint basketball. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY I don't know. We suck, man. JACKIE SLAPS SCOOTSIE. JACKIE MOON (re: The slap) Sorry. JACKIE SLAPS HIM AGAIN, HARDER. JACKIE MOON We do not suck, okay? We just have to want it! 37. Pumped, Jackie walks around with his hands on his hips. BEE BEE ELLIS What do you think, Monix? All eyes turn on the grumpy one. MONIX I think we suck. JACKIE MOON Well... See, now there's some team unity! Now let's load up the jet. REVEAL: A SHITTY SCHOOL BUS has the words 'THE JET!' Spray- painted in graffiti letters with a palm tree next to it. JACKIE MOON (as they load up) Now we've got a special treat. You know I take care of my family. Today, the Jet is catered. I had Downtown's Mom pack us some hot dish. BEE BEE ELLIS Ms. Quincy's hot dish? Sweet! INT. BUS - CONTINUOUS The guys load up. It's so packed it's ridiculous. Everyone tries to stuff their gear somewhere and sit down. Jackie carries a big pot of hot dish, accidentally burning Scootsie's back. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Ah, watch the hot dish, man. JACKIE MOON Sorry Scootsie. TWIGGY MUNSON Hey Jackie, there's some dude out there, wants to talk to you. POV: Out the window, we can see DUKES, the full court shot winner, holding his GIANT CHECK and looking into the bus. He's still shirtless, with a star-spangled headband. EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - MOMENTS LATER Jackie and Dukes are next to the bus, discussing the check. 38. DUKES I tried Jackie. They won't take it. They said it's 'symbolic.' JACKIE MOON What does symbolic mean? DUKES I don't know. But they said I need a real check. JACKIE MOON I don't know what your bank is talking about. That is a real check. I signed it myself. DUKES It's written in glitter, dude. Can't you just give me, like, a regular sized one? JACKIE MOON I don't get it. People are usually able to cash these. Maybe you should try another bank. (trying to wrap it up) If you run into any more trouble, let me know. DUKES Okay Jackie, thanks man. JACKIE MOON Any time, congratulations. Jackie turns away from Dukes and exhales, walking back to the bus. MUSIC CUE: 'SHORT PEOPLE' BY RANDY NEWMAN. EXT. THE HIGHWAY - DAY We're flying down the highway. INT. THE JET - DAY Kong, the small Asian player, is driving, singing along with Jackie to the radio... JACKIE MOON & KONG (singing Randy Newman) SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... 39. SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE Jackie reaches up into a special bin and takes out some beef jerky, then yells out the window. JACKIE (out the window at a car) YOU IN-THE-GREEN-CAR GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE... Pan back to see the whole team crammed into tiny seats. Vakidis has his knees pointing straight toward the ceiling. Twiggy Munson is reading '70's pornography. Clarence is sewing a new name onto his jersey. The rest of the guys are eating their hot dish. MONIX So, Clarence, what's in this 'hot dish' anyway? CLARENCE My Mom cooked your ass a whole Damn meal, why you gotta go asking what's in it? MONIX It's a compliment. It's good. CLARENCE If it's good, then it's good. Why do you gotta know what's in it? What's in hot dish? Hot dish is in hot dish, asshole. BEE BEE and SCOOTSIE look over the seat, facing them. BEE BEE ELLIS Hey Monix, what were the Celtics like? MONIX They were fast. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Fast? No one's faster than me. I should be on the Celtics. MONIX (pointing to his mind) Fast up here. 40. BEE BEE ELLIS You're supposed to be Mr. Smartball. Why'd you get bounced? MONIX Well, you have to be able to jump too. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Hey, let us see that ring again. MONIX Not right now, okay Twiggy? CLARENCE Isn't it a little embarrassing wearing that thing everyday? MONIX Embarrassing? CLARENCE You call yourself a Celtic? You sat through every single playoff game. You didn't see action once. And now you walk around wearing the ice like you're Bill Russel. Well you ain't. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, you're just jealous. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Yeah, Monix played solid minutes, for lots of teams. He's played in the NBA, that's more than you can say. CLARENCE Whatever. At least I never sat on the bench and then called myself a champion. You didn't do shit for that Celtic team. If I was Dave Cowens, I'd yank that ring right off your neck. That was a pretty heated exchange. Monix looks like he's got something to say, but he doesn't. Clarence has the last word. CLARENCE He doesn't wear it on his finger because he knows he didn't earn it. He didn't even play. 41. Monix looks out the window. EXT. ROAD GAME #1 - NIGHT 'The Jet' is parked outside the arena. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) We're just a few minutes away from game one of the Tropic's 6 game road trip. With talk of an NBA merger hitting the league, there's a new electricity surrounding tonight's game... INT. VISITOR'S LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT Jackie addresses his team before tip off. JACKIE MOON Alright. Now, a lot of people out there are writing us off. A lot people are saying things like 'Jackie Moon is an offensive liability.' They're saying 'Flint's turnovers led to sixty fast break points per game.' (Making this up) They're saying 'Bee Bee's retarded brother is so retarded that his eyes look too big,. Like a French Bulldog. BEE BEE ELLIS No one said that, man. JACKIE MOON (trying to motivate) Yes they did. And we're going to use it as motivation, okay? THIS IS OUR TIME! WE'RE GOING TO SHOOT MORE THAN WE'VE EVER SHOT BEFORE! NOW BRING IT IN! READY? ONE TWO THREE- EVERYONE LET'S GET TROPICAL! MONTAGE: FLINT PLAYS HARDER BUT THEY STILL SUCK. GAME 1) JACKIE MOON sprints across the floor tries to get two f eet planted in the lane. It's not even close, JACKIE HAS TAKEN A GUY DOWN HARD. The ref whistles a blocking foul. 42. JACKIE MOON OH, C'MON!? Where's the charge, Father Pat? FATHER PAT THE REF Both feet weren't planted. JACKIE MOON OH, SUCK MY COCK. I WILL MURDER YOUR FAMILY. FATHER PAT THE REF That's it, you're out. JACKIE MOON What!? What did I say? Jackie takes a ball and drop kicks it, PUNTING IT high up into the rafters. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: COLONELS 111 TROPICS 92. GAME 2) MONIX drives the lane, fast and smart -- A no-look pass hits Scootsie Double-Day in the shoulder. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY AH. MY COLLAR BONE! BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: SQUIRES 90 TROPICS 70. GAME 3) CLARENCE and BEE BEE jog back on Defense. CLARENCE I ain't guarding my guy anymore. BEE BEE ELLIS Why not? CLARENCE He's too'Damn sweaty, man. (re: his wet uniform) Look at me. BEE BEE ELLIS Gross. Well, I ain't guarding him. Monix notices this discussion. MONIX Quit talking and play defense! The sweaty guy backs in on Clarence, posting up top. 44. GAME 5) Jackie Moon plays great defense, rejecting a shot! Monix grabs the ball and dribbles on a fast break. Clarence trails, in perfect position... CLARENCE Right on! I'm open baby! Try a behind-the-back! Monix delivers a nice two handed bounce pass, but Clarence isn't ready for anything fundamentally sound -- The ball hits him in the nuts. CLARENCE Ah, shit. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: PIPERS 105 TROPICS 91. EXT. HOTEL STRIP - NIGHT Angle on a big hotel with fancy lights -- but then we pan to reveal: A shitty motel. The 'Jet' is parked at the cheap place. INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Two twin beds in a crap-box motel room. Monix has the phone to his ear, but it just keeps ringing. He'd leave a message for Lynn, but answering machines haven't been invented yet. He hangs up, looks in the mirror, and now takes his Championship ring necklace off. He looks at the ring in his hand... And shoves it into his duffle bag. CLARENCE (O.S.) I brought us some ice. Monix is startled. Clarence, his roommate for the night, enters. MONIX Ice? What for? CLARENCE I don't know, it's free. Clarence takes some ice, pops it in his mouth and starts crunching. CLARENCE Want some? 45. MONIX No thanks. Now BEE BEE enters, yet another player in the small room. BEE BEE ELLIS That Root Beer machine took my fucking change, man. White people are assholes. Monix ignores this. Laying back, he focuses on the TV: THE CELTICS are playing. Their trapping defense is a thing of beauty. Clarence walks over and flicks the channels, until he stops at 'Love American Style.' MONIX You turned off the Celtics? CLARENCE I don't watch people play basketball. They watch me. With that, Clarence pulls out a JOINT and lights it. MONIX (re: the marijuana) What the Hell is that? CLARENCE (as he inhales) It's a fucking Egg-McMuffin. Monix opens the window, clearing the pot smoke out of his face. JACKIE EXITS the bathroom, having just taken a shower. He's wearing a very small robe. This is now the fourth player who's sleeping in this tiny room. MONIX Why don't you shower in your room? JACKIE MOON My wife is using it. I'll be crashing with you guys tonight. (NOTICING) Ice? Awesome. (as he eats ice, re: TV) Love American Style? Turn it up. 46. Jackie doesn't say a word about the pot. Instead he keeps his eyes glued to the TV, then reaches for the joint and SMOKES IT. MONIX Jackie, have you ever even slept with your wife? JACKIE MOON (LYING) What? Are you kidding? Try, like, every weekend. She's so hot. MONIX Sounds like a great arrangement. JACKIE MOON You guys need to wake up. Quit living like it's the 1950's, man. Live it up. (showing off) Hey Clarence, let's have some of that smoke, bro. MONIX I'm pretty sure we have a game tomorrow. JACKIE MOON (as he inhales) This stuff won't affect you. It's premium. Jackie finishes inhaling, then holds it out for Monix. He stares at the joint, then around the room at his teammates. MONIX Well, if this is really going to be my life, I might as well be stoned like everyone else. JACKIE MOON Well said. Monix takes the stupid joint. The instant Monix inhales he COUGHS LIKE CRAZY. MONIX What the Hell is this? CLARENCE What do you mean? 47. MONIX It's harsh. CLARENCE Take that back. MONIX Take what back? JACKIE MOON His Mom grows it. CLARENCE Yeah, in the yard. MONIX Your Mom grew this? CLARENCE It's sweet grass. MONIX Well, I'm finished, thanks. CLARENCE What's wrong, my Mom's weed ain't good enough for you? MONIX I guess not. JACKIE MOON C'mon man, have some respect for his Mom's weed. CLARENCE That's it, I ain't sleeping in the same bed as this motherfucker. INT. AMIGO STADIUM - ROAD TRIP GAME 6 - NEXT NIGHT Television cameras are being set up. A camera man cleans the lens. Jackie studies the cameras, mesmerized by the idea of television. He speaks with the Amigo's manager. AMIGO MANAGER You want all the fans to sit on one side of the stadium? 48. JACKIE MOON Yeah, just move all those people over to this side. (DEMONSTRATING) See, the TV cameras are going to face this way, right? Well, if we fill the seats on that side, we'll look sold out. AMIGO MANAGER Actually, that's not a bad idea. MEANWHILE, ON THE COURT: Both teams are warming up. Clarence now has a new name on his Jersey. There are so many words, there is barely space for a number. It's a mess. CLARENCE (re: Jersey, new name) Check it out. I sewed it on the bus. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY (struggling to read it) What's it say? CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. The asshole, PETRELLI, wanders over near the Tropics side of the court. PETRELLI Yo, Granny Yarn Barn, how's the needle point going? CLARENCE Kiss my ass, Petrelli. PETRELLI (re: the Jersey name) Hey man, I think you spelled 'Flint sucks balls' wrong. (BEAT) This guy's the next Betsy Ross! Aren't you Clarence? The guys laugh. MONIX walks up, defending his teammate. MONIX No one calls him Clarence. His name IS-- (BEAT) What's your name? 49. CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. MONIX His name's Jumping Johnny Johnson. (nose to nose) You got that? Jackie hurries over. JACKIE MOON Alright, break it up. (to his team) Everyone huddle up!... VAKIDIS! OVER HERE. Where is he walking to? (BEAT) Fuck it. Listen up, we're on National TV tonight. And you all know what that means: The league needs a good clean game. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, that's a bunch of dog shit. JACKIE MOON Hey! You guys want to merge or not? Because the fastest way to screw this up is to start punching people in the face while the commissioner is at home, watching the game with his kids... Children are very impressionable. Their minds are not yet soiled by the cruel realities of this world. BEE BEE ELLIS What? JACKIE MOON No punching. Behind the huddle, FANS BEGIN WALKING RIGHT ACROSS THE COURT. Both teams turn to watch this strange thing. The Amigos manager leads the herd, Jackie helps out, directing them across to the other side. JACKIE MOON THAT'S RIGHT, JUST MOVE RIGHT ACROSS- IF YOU COULD JUST FILL IN ALL OF THOSE EMPTY SEATS IN THAT AREA, THAT'D BE GREAT. 50. INT. AMIGO'S STADIUM - LATER The optical illusion has worked. The game does indeed look crowded. The game is in full swing. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) This sold out crowd is loving this one, the Amigos up by twenty-six here in the second. Monix drains a nice jumper, but out of nowhere, Petrelli, the guy we hate, throws a hard shoulder, knocking Monix to the floor. MONIX That's a moving pick Father Pat! C'mon! FATHER PAT THE REF Play on. Monix can't believe it. Petrelli taunts Monix. PETRELLI What's wrong Monix, cat got your 'nads? Monix faces off. JACKIE MOON MONIX! NO! (POINTING) Not with the cameras. (miming the commish') He's watching. Monix looks around and thinks... MONIX What about commercials? JACKIE MOON What? MONIX Commercials, what about commercials? Jackie thinks about this, then nods 'good idea.' JACKIE MOON I like it. Time out Ref! 51. ANNOUNCER (V.0. ) A time out on the floor, 5:20 left before the half, the Amigos 45, the Tropics 19, we'll be right back after this message from Shasta. The camera's on air' red light turns off. CAMERA MAN (rooting them on) And... You're clear. JACKIE MOON SOMEBODY HIT SOMEBODY! BAM! MONIX CLOCKS PETRELLI. BAM! JACKIE MOON PUNCHES ANOTHER GUY. PETRELLI TAKES THE HIT AND TACKLES MONIX. BOTH BENCHES CLEAR. THE CROWD GOES NUTS. INT. THE COMMISSIONER'S HOUSE - MEANWHILE The commissioner relaxes at home with his two kids... A Shasta commercial is on TV. SHASTA COMMERCIAL (V.0.) (on TV) I want a pop... I want a -- Shasta... INT. AMIGO STADIUM - CONTINUOUS MAYHEM. JACKIE MOON IS YANKING A FAN'S HAIR. A TALL GUY IS ABOUT TO POUND SHORT LITTLE KONG. BUT NOW KONG JUMPS IN THE AIR AND DOES A SWEET ROUND-HOUSE JUDO KICK, KNOCKING THE TALL GUY TO THE FLOOR. KONG Hi-Ya! MEANWHILE: MONIX AND PETRELLI ARE TRADING HOCKEY PUNCHES... CAMERA MAN And we're back in -5- (Monix punches Petrelli) -4- (Petrelli punches Monix) -3- (Monix punches Petrelli) 52 -2- (Monix ducks and punches) (cuing the announcers) AND WE'RE ON. THE 'RED LIGHT' GLOWS. ON A DIME: EVERYONE STOPS PUNCHING, STANDS UP STRAIGHT AND SMILES. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) Welcome back to the ABA game of the week... Players hold their heads in pain. Others limp back to the bench. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) .The camaraderie and spirit of this league is on full display here tonight... Off camera, Monix delivers a secret punch to Patrelli's spleen. INT. LOCKER ROOM - HALF TIME Jackie runs the half time talk, standing in front of the chalk board. JACKIE MOON Okay, solid first half guys, but we're going to have to make some ADJ-- Monix interrupts Jackie, pissed. He addresses the team, stepping in front of Jackie Moon. MONIX --This is bullshit guys. They're kicking our ass in basketball and they're kicking our ass during the commercials, too. Does anybody here understand the concept of the pick and roll? Because they're going to keep double teaming at the top of the key until somebody rotates the Damn ball... JACKIE MOON Yeah! C'mon guys! Rotate the ball. Monix looks at this group and gets even madder. 53. MONIX Does anyone in this room have any pride? Don't you realize, this is thelast four weeks of basketball anyus are ever going to play?Is thishow we're really going togo out?You'd think we'd want toend ourcareers battling, hustling after every loose ball. Boxing out under the boards. Setting picks for our teammates. But we haven't done shit out there. Twiggy Munson and Scootsie Double-Day hang their heads. MONIX We're a bunch of selfish assholes -- And I've got news for you, we aren't going to finish in fourth, we're going to finish dead last. Monix paces in front of the guys, a man possessed. MONIX One day, you're going to look back on your life... And you're going to look back on this time... And you're going to realize... Monix is staring right at Clarence. And Clarence is actually listening... MONIX .You're going to realize you never even played basketball. A moment of silence after the intensity. Monix waddles to the door. MONIX Now, you guys have fun out there in the second half. If anyone needs me, I'll be in the training room, draining my knee. Monix limps off, everyone's head is hanging low. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY He's right. 54. BEE BEE ELLIS Of course he's right. But what the Hell are we supposed to do about it? We don't even have plays. INT. JACKIE MOON'S OFFICE - DAYS LATER We're back in Flint. Jackie is back in his office, speaking on the phone. JACKIE MOON (into phone) Dukes! | teams | How many times the word 'teams' appears in the text? | 2 |
without looking over... CLARENCE Not everyone sits around dreaming of playing in the NBA, you know. 25. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Maybe not. But you do. TWIGGY MUNSON Yeah, that's all you ever talk about. MONIX You're not jealous, are you Clarence? CLARENCE No one calls me Clarence. BEE BEE ELLIS His name's Downtown. MONIX Okay Downtown. I'll make sure Downtown is only referred to as Downtown, okay Downtown? CLARENCE Don't think I don't know what you're doing. You're doing that thing where you pretend to mean what you say, but you don't. BEE BEE ELLIS Sarcasm. CLARENCE Yeah. How'd you like that sarcasm smacked off your face? MONIX Bring it, funky stuff. BEE BEE ELLIS That's sarcasm, man. He's doing it again! CLARENCE (to Bee Bee) I got this, alright? Monix squares off with a smile that says 'hit me.' Clarence takes off his leather full length and folds it nicely. CLARENCE (in Monix's face) How'd you like a knuckle sandwich? 26. MONIX Knuckle sandwich? Who says that? CLARENCE I do motherfucker. I'm gonna pound you so hard, you're-- MONIX REARS HIS FIST BACK, about to release a strong Popeye HOOK-- CLARENCE WAIT! CLARENCE IMMEDIATELY SWITCHES GEARS, PUTTING HIS HANDS UP LIKE A SCARED LITTLE GIRL. CLARENCE (like a sissy) --WAIT! OKAY? COOL COOL COOL. CHILL OUT, MAN, ALRIGHT? WE'RE COOL-- BAM. MONIX PUNCHES CLARENCE IN THE STOMACH ANYWAY. BEE BEE ELLIS YESSS! I LIKE IT! IT'S OUR OWN TEAM, BUT I LIKE IT. One of the party people, a ball girl, GAYLE, interrupts. GAYLE Excuse me boys. You mind, if I borrow your friend for a minute? INT. DANCE FLOOR - MEANWHILE Jackie is dancing to his own song, still wearing the ice packs on his knees. The song ends and A DIFFERENT ONE STARTS. JACKIE MOON (looking to the DJ) Hold on a second. MELINDA What's wrong? JACKIE MOON Where's the boogie? Jackie fights his way through the crowd to the DJ booth. JACKIE MOON (to DJ, over music) HEY! WHERE'S THE BOOGIE? 27. DJ I ALREADY PLAYED YOUR SONG FOUR TIMES. JACKIE MOON GET UP. DJ NO. YOU CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS, JACKIE. I'M THE DJ. JACKIE MOON (taking over as DJ) NOT ANY MORE. YOU'RE ON SNACK PATROL. SCREECH -- The music stops. JACKIE MOON (into the mic) The year was 1973. A young musician named Jackie Moon, finishes years of musical training, only to find he is a slave to the notes on the page. He knows it's time to break free. In a sudden fit of creative mastery, he grabs a pen and a napkin and writes a song that breaks all the rules. Ladies and gentleman... Let's get sweaty. MUSIC CUE: Jackie's song. Everyone goes crazy. JACKIE MOON (V.0.) (studio version) Baby, who wants to; love me sexy. baby, are you ready to; lick me sexy. Take off your shoes and; suck me sexy. Baby, we're naked and we're; humping sexy-- INT. DAIQUIRI ROOM - NIGHT Gayle and Monix walk upstairs into the 'coolest' room ever. Carpet on the ceiling, a plaid couch, a fish tank, a water bed, mirrors, etc. GAYLE I'm glad they traded for you, I got myself a cute one. MONIX So, this is the Daiquiri room? 28. LUCY MOON (O.S. ) That's right. REVEAL: LUCY MOON, Jackie's wife, is on the couch. She's the hottest girl in the world. LUCY MOON What do you think, Gayle? Does he like it with my boots on, or does he like my boots off? GAYLE He seems like a boots on kind of guy. LUCY MOON Then it looks like I'm ready. As soon as you slide these shorts off of me. MONIX Aren't you Jackie's wife? LUCY MOON He knows about the Daiquiri room. GAYLE It's a new tradition we're starting, when new players join. MONIX I see. Well, I'm going to have to pass. I'm good, thanks. LUCY MOON Honey, you don't know what good is. With that, Lucy flicks on the stereo-- MUSIC CUE: THE BAR KEYS 'TOO HOT TO STOP.' MONIX Listen um... (i.e. what's your name?) GAYLE My name is 'no strings attached.' LUCY MOON You can call me Mrs. Moon. Gayle and Lucy perform a funky/seductive dance, moving closer and closer to Monix. 29. MONIX I don't think this is going to happen, Mrs. Moon. LUCY MOON It has to. GAYLE It's bad luck if you don't. MONIX Yeah, I'd hate to bring bad luck to Flint Michigan. Lucy has sprayed some WHIP CREAM on her nipples. LUCY MOON (whip cream) Why don't you lick these clean for me? MONIX I can't eat dairy. Lucy decides that now is a good time to aggressively KISS him. Monix pushes her away. MONIX Nice tits, Mrs. Moon. I gotta go. Monix walks down the stairs. LUCY MOON (calling after him) I see what this is: You want us to send Eric and Marcus up here? On the way out, Monix flicks her off. INT. LYNN'S HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT Lynn is asleep next to Kyle. She awakes to someone pounding on the door. EXT. LYNN'S FRONT YARD - NIGHT Lynn has arrived at the screen door. Monix, wasted, doesn't notice Lynn yet, he keeps pounding until she opens it. LYNN Why are you here? 30. MONIX I got traded. LYNN I mean, why are you here? MONIX Can we talk? KYLE (O.S.) --Yo, Monix, you're wasted! Ha! Kyle has come out to say hi. MONIX Yeah. Sorry man-- KYLE What's up! That of jump shot of yours ain't broke yet, is it? MONIX No. Ha. KYLE Great back door cut for the lay-up in the third. That's how basketball should be played. MONIX Kyle, can you give us a second? We need to talk. KYLE No problem. Great game tonight man. MONIX Why does your boyfriend like me so much? LYNN You're his favorite player. MONIX Look, there are still some things I think we need to talk about. LYNN I've already said everything I'm ever going to say to you. 31. MONIX I see. (BEAT) Well, I guess I'll be leaving then. Monix walks away... Then turns back. MONIX You're really not going to stop me? LYNN No. Monix walks more, until Lynn speaks. LYNN You're going to end up walking with a cane the rest of your life. You have to quit. MONIX And do what? LYNN I don't know... Kill yourself, I guess. MONIX Kill myself? LYNN You act like there's nothing else in the world besides basketball. If that's how you really feel, then go ahead and get it over with. I'm going to sleep. MONIX Thanks for the pep. talk. LYNN No problem. MONIX Lynn. (she opens the door again) Can I ask you for one favor? LYNN You want a favor? MONIX My knee. 32. LYNN Oh, Jesus Christ Monix. It's 4 a.m. Lynn stares at him in disbelief. Monix shrugs. MONIX No one here can drain it right. LYNN Fine. Monix nods, then makes a move toward the door. LYNN No. You're not coming in. We'll do it in the yard. DISSOLVE TO: INT. JACKIE'S MONTE CARLO - DAYS LATER Jackie drives in his car, practicing for the meeting. tries to build some confidence. JACKIE MOON (into the rear view, very CIVILIZED) Well, hello Commissioner -- Why sure, I would love one of your Puerto Rican cigars -- Oh, I know I'm a legitimate owner, you don't have to tell me that -- We're merging with the NBA? Oh, that's nice -- Ha Ha Ha! Good one, Commish ... EXT. INDIANAPOLIS - CONTINUOUS A brick building on the outskirts of Indianapolis. A sign says. WELCOME ABA OWNERS. Jackie pulls into the lot and parks. He looks in the mirror one last time. JACKIE MOON Your Mom would be proud of you today. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS Not-quite-Rich guys surround a large oak table. JACKIE is by far the youngest of the owners. 33. COMMISH .I'm sure each of you have heard the rumors. And I'm here to tell you, the rumors are true. The ABA will be merging with the NBA at the end of this season. JACKIE MOON YES!!! (to an old guy) GIVE ME TEN, NORTON! YES!! (fists to the ceiling) EVERYONE CAN EAT SHIT! I AM THE GREATEST MAN IN THE WORLD! COMMISH Our league is sold. And the NBA agreed to all of our financial demands! Now Jackie turns inward, more quietly intense. This is, without question, the greatest moment of his life. JACKIE MOON (to himself) You're a real owner. You're in the NBA. COMMISH Four of our teams will be absorbed into the NBA family, the rest of you will terminate operations. JACKIE MOON Exactly! You know it! (now hearing) I'm sorry, wait, what? COMMISH The Nuggets, The Nets, The Spurs and the Pacers will play in the NBA next year. The rest of us will dissolve. JACKIE MOON Dissolve? Dissolve, like, how? How do I dissolve into the NBA? The winning owners look at each other, not sure how to handle Jackie. JACKIE MOON What's happening? 34. COMMISH I'm sorry Jackie. We all know how. emotional you get. We waited until the very last second to tell you. Jackie pounds the table. JACKIE MOON No. NO! NO!!! He kicks over his chair... THE COMMISH We know you're upset, Jackie. But you'll be very well compensated. LOSING OWNER #1 Everyone's agreed to a very large sum. JACKIE MOON I don't want a sum! I want my team! (to the losing owners) C'mon you guys, you're not going to just sit here and take the money, are you? They are. JACKIE MOON (to winning owners) What do the Spurs have that we don't? THE COMMISH A huge fan base. A brand new stadium. A solid economic growth package, including strong tax incentives. JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon, that's BULLSHIT! COMMISH The NBA is taking four teams, Jackie, there's nothing I can do. Jackie goes quiet, thinking... An epic idea hits him. JACKIE MOON The best four teams should go. 35. COMMISH What? JACKIE MOON Forget the huge fan base, the stadiums, the economic... (a little lost) Growing... package... inventions... WINNING OWNER #1 (correcting him) Economic growth pack-- JACKIE MOON I KNOW WHAT I SAID! (to the room) The four teams with the best records should merge. LOSING OWNER #2 He's right. LOSING OWNER #1 Yeah, that's the fairest way. COMMISH These four teams DO have the best records. Flint's only won six games all year! JACKIE MOON So far. The season isn't over. LOSING OWNER #2 Yeah, maybe we should finish the season first. COMMISH This plan sounds like a lot of fun, but it's too late. The commissioner, me, has already decided. LOSING OWNER #2 Actually, the terms of a merger can only be approved by a league mandate. JACKIE MOON YES. That's right. What he said. 36. LOSING OWNER #1 I move that we vote on the terms of the merger. EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NEXT DAY The team sits around the parking lot, sitting on their duffle bags, dejected. Jackie is having a team meeting. JACKIE MOON C'mon you guys, let's try to stay psyched. This is a chance to become a real NBA franchise! CLARENCE There's no way we can make it to fourth place. It's mathematically impossible. JACKIE MOON I ran the numbers. All we have to do is win about eighty-two percent of our remaining games. CLARENCE Eighty-two percent? Isn't that a lot? JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon! We just gotta start hitting our threes. (guys look around, unsure) Listen, I know this seems like bad news, but it doesn't have to be. This is a big road trip for us. We've just got to start playing solid Flint basketball. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY I don't know. We suck, man. JACKIE SLAPS SCOOTSIE. JACKIE MOON (re: The slap) Sorry. JACKIE SLAPS HIM AGAIN, HARDER. JACKIE MOON We do not suck, okay? We just have to want it! 37. Pumped, Jackie walks around with his hands on his hips. BEE BEE ELLIS What do you think, Monix? All eyes turn on the grumpy one. MONIX I think we suck. JACKIE MOON Well... See, now there's some team unity! Now let's load up the jet. REVEAL: A SHITTY SCHOOL BUS has the words 'THE JET!' Spray- painted in graffiti letters with a palm tree next to it. JACKIE MOON (as they load up) Now we've got a special treat. You know I take care of my family. Today, the Jet is catered. I had Downtown's Mom pack us some hot dish. BEE BEE ELLIS Ms. Quincy's hot dish? Sweet! INT. BUS - CONTINUOUS The guys load up. It's so packed it's ridiculous. Everyone tries to stuff their gear somewhere and sit down. Jackie carries a big pot of hot dish, accidentally burning Scootsie's back. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Ah, watch the hot dish, man. JACKIE MOON Sorry Scootsie. TWIGGY MUNSON Hey Jackie, there's some dude out there, wants to talk to you. POV: Out the window, we can see DUKES, the full court shot winner, holding his GIANT CHECK and looking into the bus. He's still shirtless, with a star-spangled headband. EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - MOMENTS LATER Jackie and Dukes are next to the bus, discussing the check. 38. DUKES I tried Jackie. They won't take it. They said it's 'symbolic.' JACKIE MOON What does symbolic mean? DUKES I don't know. But they said I need a real check. JACKIE MOON I don't know what your bank is talking about. That is a real check. I signed it myself. DUKES It's written in glitter, dude. Can't you just give me, like, a regular sized one? JACKIE MOON I don't get it. People are usually able to cash these. Maybe you should try another bank. (trying to wrap it up) If you run into any more trouble, let me know. DUKES Okay Jackie, thanks man. JACKIE MOON Any time, congratulations. Jackie turns away from Dukes and exhales, walking back to the bus. MUSIC CUE: 'SHORT PEOPLE' BY RANDY NEWMAN. EXT. THE HIGHWAY - DAY We're flying down the highway. INT. THE JET - DAY Kong, the small Asian player, is driving, singing along with Jackie to the radio... JACKIE MOON & KONG (singing Randy Newman) SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... 39. SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE Jackie reaches up into a special bin and takes out some beef jerky, then yells out the window. JACKIE (out the window at a car) YOU IN-THE-GREEN-CAR GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE... Pan back to see the whole team crammed into tiny seats. Vakidis has his knees pointing straight toward the ceiling. Twiggy Munson is reading '70's pornography. Clarence is sewing a new name onto his jersey. The rest of the guys are eating their hot dish. MONIX So, Clarence, what's in this 'hot dish' anyway? CLARENCE My Mom cooked your ass a whole Damn meal, why you gotta go asking what's in it? MONIX It's a compliment. It's good. CLARENCE If it's good, then it's good. Why do you gotta know what's in it? What's in hot dish? Hot dish is in hot dish, asshole. BEE BEE and SCOOTSIE look over the seat, facing them. BEE BEE ELLIS Hey Monix, what were the Celtics like? MONIX They were fast. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Fast? No one's faster than me. I should be on the Celtics. MONIX (pointing to his mind) Fast up here. 40. BEE BEE ELLIS You're supposed to be Mr. Smartball. Why'd you get bounced? MONIX Well, you have to be able to jump too. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Hey, let us see that ring again. MONIX Not right now, okay Twiggy? CLARENCE Isn't it a little embarrassing wearing that thing everyday? MONIX Embarrassing? CLARENCE You call yourself a Celtic? You sat through every single playoff game. You didn't see action once. And now you walk around wearing the ice like you're Bill Russel. Well you ain't. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, you're just jealous. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Yeah, Monix played solid minutes, for lots of teams. He's played in the NBA, that's more than you can say. CLARENCE Whatever. At least I never sat on the bench and then called myself a champion. You didn't do shit for that Celtic team. If I was Dave Cowens, I'd yank that ring right off your neck. That was a pretty heated exchange. Monix looks like he's got something to say, but he doesn't. Clarence has the last word. CLARENCE He doesn't wear it on his finger because he knows he didn't earn it. He didn't even play. 41. Monix looks out the window. EXT. ROAD GAME #1 - NIGHT 'The Jet' is parked outside the arena. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) We're just a few minutes away from game one of the Tropic's 6 game road trip. With talk of an NBA merger hitting the league, there's a new electricity surrounding tonight's game... INT. VISITOR'S LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT Jackie addresses his team before tip off. JACKIE MOON Alright. Now, a lot of people out there are writing us off. A lot people are saying things like 'Jackie Moon is an offensive liability.' They're saying 'Flint's turnovers led to sixty fast break points per game.' (Making this up) They're saying 'Bee Bee's retarded brother is so retarded that his eyes look too big,. Like a French Bulldog. BEE BEE ELLIS No one said that, man. JACKIE MOON (trying to motivate) Yes they did. And we're going to use it as motivation, okay? THIS IS OUR TIME! WE'RE GOING TO SHOOT MORE THAN WE'VE EVER SHOT BEFORE! NOW BRING IT IN! READY? ONE TWO THREE- EVERYONE LET'S GET TROPICAL! MONTAGE: FLINT PLAYS HARDER BUT THEY STILL SUCK. GAME 1) JACKIE MOON sprints across the floor tries to get two f eet planted in the lane. It's not even close, JACKIE HAS TAKEN A GUY DOWN HARD. The ref whistles a blocking foul. 42. JACKIE MOON OH, C'MON!? Where's the charge, Father Pat? FATHER PAT THE REF Both feet weren't planted. JACKIE MOON OH, SUCK MY COCK. I WILL MURDER YOUR FAMILY. FATHER PAT THE REF That's it, you're out. JACKIE MOON What!? What did I say? Jackie takes a ball and drop kicks it, PUNTING IT high up into the rafters. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: COLONELS 111 TROPICS 92. GAME 2) MONIX drives the lane, fast and smart -- A no-look pass hits Scootsie Double-Day in the shoulder. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY AH. MY COLLAR BONE! BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: SQUIRES 90 TROPICS 70. GAME 3) CLARENCE and BEE BEE jog back on Defense. CLARENCE I ain't guarding my guy anymore. BEE BEE ELLIS Why not? CLARENCE He's too'Damn sweaty, man. (re: his wet uniform) Look at me. BEE BEE ELLIS Gross. Well, I ain't guarding him. Monix notices this discussion. MONIX Quit talking and play defense! The sweaty guy backs in on Clarence, posting up top. 44. GAME 5) Jackie Moon plays great defense, rejecting a shot! Monix grabs the ball and dribbles on a fast break. Clarence trails, in perfect position... CLARENCE Right on! I'm open baby! Try a behind-the-back! Monix delivers a nice two handed bounce pass, but Clarence isn't ready for anything fundamentally sound -- The ball hits him in the nuts. CLARENCE Ah, shit. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: PIPERS 105 TROPICS 91. EXT. HOTEL STRIP - NIGHT Angle on a big hotel with fancy lights -- but then we pan to reveal: A shitty motel. The 'Jet' is parked at the cheap place. INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Two twin beds in a crap-box motel room. Monix has the phone to his ear, but it just keeps ringing. He'd leave a message for Lynn, but answering machines haven't been invented yet. He hangs up, looks in the mirror, and now takes his Championship ring necklace off. He looks at the ring in his hand... And shoves it into his duffle bag. CLARENCE (O.S.) I brought us some ice. Monix is startled. Clarence, his roommate for the night, enters. MONIX Ice? What for? CLARENCE I don't know, it's free. Clarence takes some ice, pops it in his mouth and starts crunching. CLARENCE Want some? 45. MONIX No thanks. Now BEE BEE enters, yet another player in the small room. BEE BEE ELLIS That Root Beer machine took my fucking change, man. White people are assholes. Monix ignores this. Laying back, he focuses on the TV: THE CELTICS are playing. Their trapping defense is a thing of beauty. Clarence walks over and flicks the channels, until he stops at 'Love American Style.' MONIX You turned off the Celtics? CLARENCE I don't watch people play basketball. They watch me. With that, Clarence pulls out a JOINT and lights it. MONIX (re: the marijuana) What the Hell is that? CLARENCE (as he inhales) It's a fucking Egg-McMuffin. Monix opens the window, clearing the pot smoke out of his face. JACKIE EXITS the bathroom, having just taken a shower. He's wearing a very small robe. This is now the fourth player who's sleeping in this tiny room. MONIX Why don't you shower in your room? JACKIE MOON My wife is using it. I'll be crashing with you guys tonight. (NOTICING) Ice? Awesome. (as he eats ice, re: TV) Love American Style? Turn it up. 46. Jackie doesn't say a word about the pot. Instead he keeps his eyes glued to the TV, then reaches for the joint and SMOKES IT. MONIX Jackie, have you ever even slept with your wife? JACKIE MOON (LYING) What? Are you kidding? Try, like, every weekend. She's so hot. MONIX Sounds like a great arrangement. JACKIE MOON You guys need to wake up. Quit living like it's the 1950's, man. Live it up. (showing off) Hey Clarence, let's have some of that smoke, bro. MONIX I'm pretty sure we have a game tomorrow. JACKIE MOON (as he inhales) This stuff won't affect you. It's premium. Jackie finishes inhaling, then holds it out for Monix. He stares at the joint, then around the room at his teammates. MONIX Well, if this is really going to be my life, I might as well be stoned like everyone else. JACKIE MOON Well said. Monix takes the stupid joint. The instant Monix inhales he COUGHS LIKE CRAZY. MONIX What the Hell is this? CLARENCE What do you mean? 47. MONIX It's harsh. CLARENCE Take that back. MONIX Take what back? JACKIE MOON His Mom grows it. CLARENCE Yeah, in the yard. MONIX Your Mom grew this? CLARENCE It's sweet grass. MONIX Well, I'm finished, thanks. CLARENCE What's wrong, my Mom's weed ain't good enough for you? MONIX I guess not. JACKIE MOON C'mon man, have some respect for his Mom's weed. CLARENCE That's it, I ain't sleeping in the same bed as this motherfucker. INT. AMIGO STADIUM - ROAD TRIP GAME 6 - NEXT NIGHT Television cameras are being set up. A camera man cleans the lens. Jackie studies the cameras, mesmerized by the idea of television. He speaks with the Amigo's manager. AMIGO MANAGER You want all the fans to sit on one side of the stadium? 48. JACKIE MOON Yeah, just move all those people over to this side. (DEMONSTRATING) See, the TV cameras are going to face this way, right? Well, if we fill the seats on that side, we'll look sold out. AMIGO MANAGER Actually, that's not a bad idea. MEANWHILE, ON THE COURT: Both teams are warming up. Clarence now has a new name on his Jersey. There are so many words, there is barely space for a number. It's a mess. CLARENCE (re: Jersey, new name) Check it out. I sewed it on the bus. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY (struggling to read it) What's it say? CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. The asshole, PETRELLI, wanders over near the Tropics side of the court. PETRELLI Yo, Granny Yarn Barn, how's the needle point going? CLARENCE Kiss my ass, Petrelli. PETRELLI (re: the Jersey name) Hey man, I think you spelled 'Flint sucks balls' wrong. (BEAT) This guy's the next Betsy Ross! Aren't you Clarence? The guys laugh. MONIX walks up, defending his teammate. MONIX No one calls him Clarence. His name IS-- (BEAT) What's your name? 49. CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. MONIX His name's Jumping Johnny Johnson. (nose to nose) You got that? Jackie hurries over. JACKIE MOON Alright, break it up. (to his team) Everyone huddle up!... VAKIDIS! OVER HERE. Where is he walking to? (BEAT) Fuck it. Listen up, we're on National TV tonight. And you all know what that means: The league needs a good clean game. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, that's a bunch of dog shit. JACKIE MOON Hey! You guys want to merge or not? Because the fastest way to screw this up is to start punching people in the face while the commissioner is at home, watching the game with his kids... Children are very impressionable. Their minds are not yet soiled by the cruel realities of this world. BEE BEE ELLIS What? JACKIE MOON No punching. Behind the huddle, FANS BEGIN WALKING RIGHT ACROSS THE COURT. Both teams turn to watch this strange thing. The Amigos manager leads the herd, Jackie helps out, directing them across to the other side. JACKIE MOON THAT'S RIGHT, JUST MOVE RIGHT ACROSS- IF YOU COULD JUST FILL IN ALL OF THOSE EMPTY SEATS IN THAT AREA, THAT'D BE GREAT. 50. INT. AMIGO'S STADIUM - LATER The optical illusion has worked. The game does indeed look crowded. The game is in full swing. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) This sold out crowd is loving this one, the Amigos up by twenty-six here in the second. Monix drains a nice jumper, but out of nowhere, Petrelli, the guy we hate, throws a hard shoulder, knocking Monix to the floor. MONIX That's a moving pick Father Pat! C'mon! FATHER PAT THE REF Play on. Monix can't believe it. Petrelli taunts Monix. PETRELLI What's wrong Monix, cat got your 'nads? Monix faces off. JACKIE MOON MONIX! NO! (POINTING) Not with the cameras. (miming the commish') He's watching. Monix looks around and thinks... MONIX What about commercials? JACKIE MOON What? MONIX Commercials, what about commercials? Jackie thinks about this, then nods 'good idea.' JACKIE MOON I like it. Time out Ref! 51. ANNOUNCER (V.0. ) A time out on the floor, 5:20 left before the half, the Amigos 45, the Tropics 19, we'll be right back after this message from Shasta. The camera's on air' red light turns off. CAMERA MAN (rooting them on) And... You're clear. JACKIE MOON SOMEBODY HIT SOMEBODY! BAM! MONIX CLOCKS PETRELLI. BAM! JACKIE MOON PUNCHES ANOTHER GUY. PETRELLI TAKES THE HIT AND TACKLES MONIX. BOTH BENCHES CLEAR. THE CROWD GOES NUTS. INT. THE COMMISSIONER'S HOUSE - MEANWHILE The commissioner relaxes at home with his two kids... A Shasta commercial is on TV. SHASTA COMMERCIAL (V.0.) (on TV) I want a pop... I want a -- Shasta... INT. AMIGO STADIUM - CONTINUOUS MAYHEM. JACKIE MOON IS YANKING A FAN'S HAIR. A TALL GUY IS ABOUT TO POUND SHORT LITTLE KONG. BUT NOW KONG JUMPS IN THE AIR AND DOES A SWEET ROUND-HOUSE JUDO KICK, KNOCKING THE TALL GUY TO THE FLOOR. KONG Hi-Ya! MEANWHILE: MONIX AND PETRELLI ARE TRADING HOCKEY PUNCHES... CAMERA MAN And we're back in -5- (Monix punches Petrelli) -4- (Petrelli punches Monix) -3- (Monix punches Petrelli) 52 -2- (Monix ducks and punches) (cuing the announcers) AND WE'RE ON. THE 'RED LIGHT' GLOWS. ON A DIME: EVERYONE STOPS PUNCHING, STANDS UP STRAIGHT AND SMILES. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) Welcome back to the ABA game of the week... Players hold their heads in pain. Others limp back to the bench. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) .The camaraderie and spirit of this league is on full display here tonight... Off camera, Monix delivers a secret punch to Patrelli's spleen. INT. LOCKER ROOM - HALF TIME Jackie runs the half time talk, standing in front of the chalk board. JACKIE MOON Okay, solid first half guys, but we're going to have to make some ADJ-- Monix interrupts Jackie, pissed. He addresses the team, stepping in front of Jackie Moon. MONIX --This is bullshit guys. They're kicking our ass in basketball and they're kicking our ass during the commercials, too. Does anybody here understand the concept of the pick and roll? Because they're going to keep double teaming at the top of the key until somebody rotates the Damn ball... JACKIE MOON Yeah! C'mon guys! Rotate the ball. Monix looks at this group and gets even madder. 53. MONIX Does anyone in this room have any pride? Don't you realize, this is thelast four weeks of basketball anyus are ever going to play?Is thishow we're really going togo out?You'd think we'd want toend ourcareers battling, hustling after every loose ball. Boxing out under the boards. Setting picks for our teammates. But we haven't done shit out there. Twiggy Munson and Scootsie Double-Day hang their heads. MONIX We're a bunch of selfish assholes -- And I've got news for you, we aren't going to finish in fourth, we're going to finish dead last. Monix paces in front of the guys, a man possessed. MONIX One day, you're going to look back on your life... And you're going to look back on this time... And you're going to realize... Monix is staring right at Clarence. And Clarence is actually listening... MONIX .You're going to realize you never even played basketball. A moment of silence after the intensity. Monix waddles to the door. MONIX Now, you guys have fun out there in the second half. If anyone needs me, I'll be in the training room, draining my knee. Monix limps off, everyone's head is hanging low. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY He's right. 54. BEE BEE ELLIS Of course he's right. But what the Hell are we supposed to do about it? We don't even have plays. INT. JACKIE MOON'S OFFICE - DAYS LATER We're back in Flint. Jackie is back in his office, speaking on the phone. JACKIE MOON (into phone) Dukes! | over | How many times the word 'over' appears in the text? | 2 |
without looking over... CLARENCE Not everyone sits around dreaming of playing in the NBA, you know. 25. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Maybe not. But you do. TWIGGY MUNSON Yeah, that's all you ever talk about. MONIX You're not jealous, are you Clarence? CLARENCE No one calls me Clarence. BEE BEE ELLIS His name's Downtown. MONIX Okay Downtown. I'll make sure Downtown is only referred to as Downtown, okay Downtown? CLARENCE Don't think I don't know what you're doing. You're doing that thing where you pretend to mean what you say, but you don't. BEE BEE ELLIS Sarcasm. CLARENCE Yeah. How'd you like that sarcasm smacked off your face? MONIX Bring it, funky stuff. BEE BEE ELLIS That's sarcasm, man. He's doing it again! CLARENCE (to Bee Bee) I got this, alright? Monix squares off with a smile that says 'hit me.' Clarence takes off his leather full length and folds it nicely. CLARENCE (in Monix's face) How'd you like a knuckle sandwich? 26. MONIX Knuckle sandwich? Who says that? CLARENCE I do motherfucker. I'm gonna pound you so hard, you're-- MONIX REARS HIS FIST BACK, about to release a strong Popeye HOOK-- CLARENCE WAIT! CLARENCE IMMEDIATELY SWITCHES GEARS, PUTTING HIS HANDS UP LIKE A SCARED LITTLE GIRL. CLARENCE (like a sissy) --WAIT! OKAY? COOL COOL COOL. CHILL OUT, MAN, ALRIGHT? WE'RE COOL-- BAM. MONIX PUNCHES CLARENCE IN THE STOMACH ANYWAY. BEE BEE ELLIS YESSS! I LIKE IT! IT'S OUR OWN TEAM, BUT I LIKE IT. One of the party people, a ball girl, GAYLE, interrupts. GAYLE Excuse me boys. You mind, if I borrow your friend for a minute? INT. DANCE FLOOR - MEANWHILE Jackie is dancing to his own song, still wearing the ice packs on his knees. The song ends and A DIFFERENT ONE STARTS. JACKIE MOON (looking to the DJ) Hold on a second. MELINDA What's wrong? JACKIE MOON Where's the boogie? Jackie fights his way through the crowd to the DJ booth. JACKIE MOON (to DJ, over music) HEY! WHERE'S THE BOOGIE? 27. DJ I ALREADY PLAYED YOUR SONG FOUR TIMES. JACKIE MOON GET UP. DJ NO. YOU CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS, JACKIE. I'M THE DJ. JACKIE MOON (taking over as DJ) NOT ANY MORE. YOU'RE ON SNACK PATROL. SCREECH -- The music stops. JACKIE MOON (into the mic) The year was 1973. A young musician named Jackie Moon, finishes years of musical training, only to find he is a slave to the notes on the page. He knows it's time to break free. In a sudden fit of creative mastery, he grabs a pen and a napkin and writes a song that breaks all the rules. Ladies and gentleman... Let's get sweaty. MUSIC CUE: Jackie's song. Everyone goes crazy. JACKIE MOON (V.0.) (studio version) Baby, who wants to; love me sexy. baby, are you ready to; lick me sexy. Take off your shoes and; suck me sexy. Baby, we're naked and we're; humping sexy-- INT. DAIQUIRI ROOM - NIGHT Gayle and Monix walk upstairs into the 'coolest' room ever. Carpet on the ceiling, a plaid couch, a fish tank, a water bed, mirrors, etc. GAYLE I'm glad they traded for you, I got myself a cute one. MONIX So, this is the Daiquiri room? 28. LUCY MOON (O.S. ) That's right. REVEAL: LUCY MOON, Jackie's wife, is on the couch. She's the hottest girl in the world. LUCY MOON What do you think, Gayle? Does he like it with my boots on, or does he like my boots off? GAYLE He seems like a boots on kind of guy. LUCY MOON Then it looks like I'm ready. As soon as you slide these shorts off of me. MONIX Aren't you Jackie's wife? LUCY MOON He knows about the Daiquiri room. GAYLE It's a new tradition we're starting, when new players join. MONIX I see. Well, I'm going to have to pass. I'm good, thanks. LUCY MOON Honey, you don't know what good is. With that, Lucy flicks on the stereo-- MUSIC CUE: THE BAR KEYS 'TOO HOT TO STOP.' MONIX Listen um... (i.e. what's your name?) GAYLE My name is 'no strings attached.' LUCY MOON You can call me Mrs. Moon. Gayle and Lucy perform a funky/seductive dance, moving closer and closer to Monix. 29. MONIX I don't think this is going to happen, Mrs. Moon. LUCY MOON It has to. GAYLE It's bad luck if you don't. MONIX Yeah, I'd hate to bring bad luck to Flint Michigan. Lucy has sprayed some WHIP CREAM on her nipples. LUCY MOON (whip cream) Why don't you lick these clean for me? MONIX I can't eat dairy. Lucy decides that now is a good time to aggressively KISS him. Monix pushes her away. MONIX Nice tits, Mrs. Moon. I gotta go. Monix walks down the stairs. LUCY MOON (calling after him) I see what this is: You want us to send Eric and Marcus up here? On the way out, Monix flicks her off. INT. LYNN'S HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT Lynn is asleep next to Kyle. She awakes to someone pounding on the door. EXT. LYNN'S FRONT YARD - NIGHT Lynn has arrived at the screen door. Monix, wasted, doesn't notice Lynn yet, he keeps pounding until she opens it. LYNN Why are you here? 30. MONIX I got traded. LYNN I mean, why are you here? MONIX Can we talk? KYLE (O.S.) --Yo, Monix, you're wasted! Ha! Kyle has come out to say hi. MONIX Yeah. Sorry man-- KYLE What's up! That of jump shot of yours ain't broke yet, is it? MONIX No. Ha. KYLE Great back door cut for the lay-up in the third. That's how basketball should be played. MONIX Kyle, can you give us a second? We need to talk. KYLE No problem. Great game tonight man. MONIX Why does your boyfriend like me so much? LYNN You're his favorite player. MONIX Look, there are still some things I think we need to talk about. LYNN I've already said everything I'm ever going to say to you. 31. MONIX I see. (BEAT) Well, I guess I'll be leaving then. Monix walks away... Then turns back. MONIX You're really not going to stop me? LYNN No. Monix walks more, until Lynn speaks. LYNN You're going to end up walking with a cane the rest of your life. You have to quit. MONIX And do what? LYNN I don't know... Kill yourself, I guess. MONIX Kill myself? LYNN You act like there's nothing else in the world besides basketball. If that's how you really feel, then go ahead and get it over with. I'm going to sleep. MONIX Thanks for the pep. talk. LYNN No problem. MONIX Lynn. (she opens the door again) Can I ask you for one favor? LYNN You want a favor? MONIX My knee. 32. LYNN Oh, Jesus Christ Monix. It's 4 a.m. Lynn stares at him in disbelief. Monix shrugs. MONIX No one here can drain it right. LYNN Fine. Monix nods, then makes a move toward the door. LYNN No. You're not coming in. We'll do it in the yard. DISSOLVE TO: INT. JACKIE'S MONTE CARLO - DAYS LATER Jackie drives in his car, practicing for the meeting. tries to build some confidence. JACKIE MOON (into the rear view, very CIVILIZED) Well, hello Commissioner -- Why sure, I would love one of your Puerto Rican cigars -- Oh, I know I'm a legitimate owner, you don't have to tell me that -- We're merging with the NBA? Oh, that's nice -- Ha Ha Ha! Good one, Commish ... EXT. INDIANAPOLIS - CONTINUOUS A brick building on the outskirts of Indianapolis. A sign says. WELCOME ABA OWNERS. Jackie pulls into the lot and parks. He looks in the mirror one last time. JACKIE MOON Your Mom would be proud of you today. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS Not-quite-Rich guys surround a large oak table. JACKIE is by far the youngest of the owners. 33. COMMISH .I'm sure each of you have heard the rumors. And I'm here to tell you, the rumors are true. The ABA will be merging with the NBA at the end of this season. JACKIE MOON YES!!! (to an old guy) GIVE ME TEN, NORTON! YES!! (fists to the ceiling) EVERYONE CAN EAT SHIT! I AM THE GREATEST MAN IN THE WORLD! COMMISH Our league is sold. And the NBA agreed to all of our financial demands! Now Jackie turns inward, more quietly intense. This is, without question, the greatest moment of his life. JACKIE MOON (to himself) You're a real owner. You're in the NBA. COMMISH Four of our teams will be absorbed into the NBA family, the rest of you will terminate operations. JACKIE MOON Exactly! You know it! (now hearing) I'm sorry, wait, what? COMMISH The Nuggets, The Nets, The Spurs and the Pacers will play in the NBA next year. The rest of us will dissolve. JACKIE MOON Dissolve? Dissolve, like, how? How do I dissolve into the NBA? The winning owners look at each other, not sure how to handle Jackie. JACKIE MOON What's happening? 34. COMMISH I'm sorry Jackie. We all know how. emotional you get. We waited until the very last second to tell you. Jackie pounds the table. JACKIE MOON No. NO! NO!!! He kicks over his chair... THE COMMISH We know you're upset, Jackie. But you'll be very well compensated. LOSING OWNER #1 Everyone's agreed to a very large sum. JACKIE MOON I don't want a sum! I want my team! (to the losing owners) C'mon you guys, you're not going to just sit here and take the money, are you? They are. JACKIE MOON (to winning owners) What do the Spurs have that we don't? THE COMMISH A huge fan base. A brand new stadium. A solid economic growth package, including strong tax incentives. JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon, that's BULLSHIT! COMMISH The NBA is taking four teams, Jackie, there's nothing I can do. Jackie goes quiet, thinking... An epic idea hits him. JACKIE MOON The best four teams should go. 35. COMMISH What? JACKIE MOON Forget the huge fan base, the stadiums, the economic... (a little lost) Growing... package... inventions... WINNING OWNER #1 (correcting him) Economic growth pack-- JACKIE MOON I KNOW WHAT I SAID! (to the room) The four teams with the best records should merge. LOSING OWNER #2 He's right. LOSING OWNER #1 Yeah, that's the fairest way. COMMISH These four teams DO have the best records. Flint's only won six games all year! JACKIE MOON So far. The season isn't over. LOSING OWNER #2 Yeah, maybe we should finish the season first. COMMISH This plan sounds like a lot of fun, but it's too late. The commissioner, me, has already decided. LOSING OWNER #2 Actually, the terms of a merger can only be approved by a league mandate. JACKIE MOON YES. That's right. What he said. 36. LOSING OWNER #1 I move that we vote on the terms of the merger. EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NEXT DAY The team sits around the parking lot, sitting on their duffle bags, dejected. Jackie is having a team meeting. JACKIE MOON C'mon you guys, let's try to stay psyched. This is a chance to become a real NBA franchise! CLARENCE There's no way we can make it to fourth place. It's mathematically impossible. JACKIE MOON I ran the numbers. All we have to do is win about eighty-two percent of our remaining games. CLARENCE Eighty-two percent? Isn't that a lot? JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon! We just gotta start hitting our threes. (guys look around, unsure) Listen, I know this seems like bad news, but it doesn't have to be. This is a big road trip for us. We've just got to start playing solid Flint basketball. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY I don't know. We suck, man. JACKIE SLAPS SCOOTSIE. JACKIE MOON (re: The slap) Sorry. JACKIE SLAPS HIM AGAIN, HARDER. JACKIE MOON We do not suck, okay? We just have to want it! 37. Pumped, Jackie walks around with his hands on his hips. BEE BEE ELLIS What do you think, Monix? All eyes turn on the grumpy one. MONIX I think we suck. JACKIE MOON Well... See, now there's some team unity! Now let's load up the jet. REVEAL: A SHITTY SCHOOL BUS has the words 'THE JET!' Spray- painted in graffiti letters with a palm tree next to it. JACKIE MOON (as they load up) Now we've got a special treat. You know I take care of my family. Today, the Jet is catered. I had Downtown's Mom pack us some hot dish. BEE BEE ELLIS Ms. Quincy's hot dish? Sweet! INT. BUS - CONTINUOUS The guys load up. It's so packed it's ridiculous. Everyone tries to stuff their gear somewhere and sit down. Jackie carries a big pot of hot dish, accidentally burning Scootsie's back. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Ah, watch the hot dish, man. JACKIE MOON Sorry Scootsie. TWIGGY MUNSON Hey Jackie, there's some dude out there, wants to talk to you. POV: Out the window, we can see DUKES, the full court shot winner, holding his GIANT CHECK and looking into the bus. He's still shirtless, with a star-spangled headband. EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - MOMENTS LATER Jackie and Dukes are next to the bus, discussing the check. 38. DUKES I tried Jackie. They won't take it. They said it's 'symbolic.' JACKIE MOON What does symbolic mean? DUKES I don't know. But they said I need a real check. JACKIE MOON I don't know what your bank is talking about. That is a real check. I signed it myself. DUKES It's written in glitter, dude. Can't you just give me, like, a regular sized one? JACKIE MOON I don't get it. People are usually able to cash these. Maybe you should try another bank. (trying to wrap it up) If you run into any more trouble, let me know. DUKES Okay Jackie, thanks man. JACKIE MOON Any time, congratulations. Jackie turns away from Dukes and exhales, walking back to the bus. MUSIC CUE: 'SHORT PEOPLE' BY RANDY NEWMAN. EXT. THE HIGHWAY - DAY We're flying down the highway. INT. THE JET - DAY Kong, the small Asian player, is driving, singing along with Jackie to the radio... JACKIE MOON & KONG (singing Randy Newman) SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... 39. SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE Jackie reaches up into a special bin and takes out some beef jerky, then yells out the window. JACKIE (out the window at a car) YOU IN-THE-GREEN-CAR GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE... Pan back to see the whole team crammed into tiny seats. Vakidis has his knees pointing straight toward the ceiling. Twiggy Munson is reading '70's pornography. Clarence is sewing a new name onto his jersey. The rest of the guys are eating their hot dish. MONIX So, Clarence, what's in this 'hot dish' anyway? CLARENCE My Mom cooked your ass a whole Damn meal, why you gotta go asking what's in it? MONIX It's a compliment. It's good. CLARENCE If it's good, then it's good. Why do you gotta know what's in it? What's in hot dish? Hot dish is in hot dish, asshole. BEE BEE and SCOOTSIE look over the seat, facing them. BEE BEE ELLIS Hey Monix, what were the Celtics like? MONIX They were fast. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Fast? No one's faster than me. I should be on the Celtics. MONIX (pointing to his mind) Fast up here. 40. BEE BEE ELLIS You're supposed to be Mr. Smartball. Why'd you get bounced? MONIX Well, you have to be able to jump too. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Hey, let us see that ring again. MONIX Not right now, okay Twiggy? CLARENCE Isn't it a little embarrassing wearing that thing everyday? MONIX Embarrassing? CLARENCE You call yourself a Celtic? You sat through every single playoff game. You didn't see action once. And now you walk around wearing the ice like you're Bill Russel. Well you ain't. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, you're just jealous. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Yeah, Monix played solid minutes, for lots of teams. He's played in the NBA, that's more than you can say. CLARENCE Whatever. At least I never sat on the bench and then called myself a champion. You didn't do shit for that Celtic team. If I was Dave Cowens, I'd yank that ring right off your neck. That was a pretty heated exchange. Monix looks like he's got something to say, but he doesn't. Clarence has the last word. CLARENCE He doesn't wear it on his finger because he knows he didn't earn it. He didn't even play. 41. Monix looks out the window. EXT. ROAD GAME #1 - NIGHT 'The Jet' is parked outside the arena. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) We're just a few minutes away from game one of the Tropic's 6 game road trip. With talk of an NBA merger hitting the league, there's a new electricity surrounding tonight's game... INT. VISITOR'S LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT Jackie addresses his team before tip off. JACKIE MOON Alright. Now, a lot of people out there are writing us off. A lot people are saying things like 'Jackie Moon is an offensive liability.' They're saying 'Flint's turnovers led to sixty fast break points per game.' (Making this up) They're saying 'Bee Bee's retarded brother is so retarded that his eyes look too big,. Like a French Bulldog. BEE BEE ELLIS No one said that, man. JACKIE MOON (trying to motivate) Yes they did. And we're going to use it as motivation, okay? THIS IS OUR TIME! WE'RE GOING TO SHOOT MORE THAN WE'VE EVER SHOT BEFORE! NOW BRING IT IN! READY? ONE TWO THREE- EVERYONE LET'S GET TROPICAL! MONTAGE: FLINT PLAYS HARDER BUT THEY STILL SUCK. GAME 1) JACKIE MOON sprints across the floor tries to get two f eet planted in the lane. It's not even close, JACKIE HAS TAKEN A GUY DOWN HARD. The ref whistles a blocking foul. 42. JACKIE MOON OH, C'MON!? Where's the charge, Father Pat? FATHER PAT THE REF Both feet weren't planted. JACKIE MOON OH, SUCK MY COCK. I WILL MURDER YOUR FAMILY. FATHER PAT THE REF That's it, you're out. JACKIE MOON What!? What did I say? Jackie takes a ball and drop kicks it, PUNTING IT high up into the rafters. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: COLONELS 111 TROPICS 92. GAME 2) MONIX drives the lane, fast and smart -- A no-look pass hits Scootsie Double-Day in the shoulder. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY AH. MY COLLAR BONE! BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: SQUIRES 90 TROPICS 70. GAME 3) CLARENCE and BEE BEE jog back on Defense. CLARENCE I ain't guarding my guy anymore. BEE BEE ELLIS Why not? CLARENCE He's too'Damn sweaty, man. (re: his wet uniform) Look at me. BEE BEE ELLIS Gross. Well, I ain't guarding him. Monix notices this discussion. MONIX Quit talking and play defense! The sweaty guy backs in on Clarence, posting up top. 44. GAME 5) Jackie Moon plays great defense, rejecting a shot! Monix grabs the ball and dribbles on a fast break. Clarence trails, in perfect position... CLARENCE Right on! I'm open baby! Try a behind-the-back! Monix delivers a nice two handed bounce pass, but Clarence isn't ready for anything fundamentally sound -- The ball hits him in the nuts. CLARENCE Ah, shit. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: PIPERS 105 TROPICS 91. EXT. HOTEL STRIP - NIGHT Angle on a big hotel with fancy lights -- but then we pan to reveal: A shitty motel. The 'Jet' is parked at the cheap place. INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Two twin beds in a crap-box motel room. Monix has the phone to his ear, but it just keeps ringing. He'd leave a message for Lynn, but answering machines haven't been invented yet. He hangs up, looks in the mirror, and now takes his Championship ring necklace off. He looks at the ring in his hand... And shoves it into his duffle bag. CLARENCE (O.S.) I brought us some ice. Monix is startled. Clarence, his roommate for the night, enters. MONIX Ice? What for? CLARENCE I don't know, it's free. Clarence takes some ice, pops it in his mouth and starts crunching. CLARENCE Want some? 45. MONIX No thanks. Now BEE BEE enters, yet another player in the small room. BEE BEE ELLIS That Root Beer machine took my fucking change, man. White people are assholes. Monix ignores this. Laying back, he focuses on the TV: THE CELTICS are playing. Their trapping defense is a thing of beauty. Clarence walks over and flicks the channels, until he stops at 'Love American Style.' MONIX You turned off the Celtics? CLARENCE I don't watch people play basketball. They watch me. With that, Clarence pulls out a JOINT and lights it. MONIX (re: the marijuana) What the Hell is that? CLARENCE (as he inhales) It's a fucking Egg-McMuffin. Monix opens the window, clearing the pot smoke out of his face. JACKIE EXITS the bathroom, having just taken a shower. He's wearing a very small robe. This is now the fourth player who's sleeping in this tiny room. MONIX Why don't you shower in your room? JACKIE MOON My wife is using it. I'll be crashing with you guys tonight. (NOTICING) Ice? Awesome. (as he eats ice, re: TV) Love American Style? Turn it up. 46. Jackie doesn't say a word about the pot. Instead he keeps his eyes glued to the TV, then reaches for the joint and SMOKES IT. MONIX Jackie, have you ever even slept with your wife? JACKIE MOON (LYING) What? Are you kidding? Try, like, every weekend. She's so hot. MONIX Sounds like a great arrangement. JACKIE MOON You guys need to wake up. Quit living like it's the 1950's, man. Live it up. (showing off) Hey Clarence, let's have some of that smoke, bro. MONIX I'm pretty sure we have a game tomorrow. JACKIE MOON (as he inhales) This stuff won't affect you. It's premium. Jackie finishes inhaling, then holds it out for Monix. He stares at the joint, then around the room at his teammates. MONIX Well, if this is really going to be my life, I might as well be stoned like everyone else. JACKIE MOON Well said. Monix takes the stupid joint. The instant Monix inhales he COUGHS LIKE CRAZY. MONIX What the Hell is this? CLARENCE What do you mean? 47. MONIX It's harsh. CLARENCE Take that back. MONIX Take what back? JACKIE MOON His Mom grows it. CLARENCE Yeah, in the yard. MONIX Your Mom grew this? CLARENCE It's sweet grass. MONIX Well, I'm finished, thanks. CLARENCE What's wrong, my Mom's weed ain't good enough for you? MONIX I guess not. JACKIE MOON C'mon man, have some respect for his Mom's weed. CLARENCE That's it, I ain't sleeping in the same bed as this motherfucker. INT. AMIGO STADIUM - ROAD TRIP GAME 6 - NEXT NIGHT Television cameras are being set up. A camera man cleans the lens. Jackie studies the cameras, mesmerized by the idea of television. He speaks with the Amigo's manager. AMIGO MANAGER You want all the fans to sit on one side of the stadium? 48. JACKIE MOON Yeah, just move all those people over to this side. (DEMONSTRATING) See, the TV cameras are going to face this way, right? Well, if we fill the seats on that side, we'll look sold out. AMIGO MANAGER Actually, that's not a bad idea. MEANWHILE, ON THE COURT: Both teams are warming up. Clarence now has a new name on his Jersey. There are so many words, there is barely space for a number. It's a mess. CLARENCE (re: Jersey, new name) Check it out. I sewed it on the bus. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY (struggling to read it) What's it say? CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. The asshole, PETRELLI, wanders over near the Tropics side of the court. PETRELLI Yo, Granny Yarn Barn, how's the needle point going? CLARENCE Kiss my ass, Petrelli. PETRELLI (re: the Jersey name) Hey man, I think you spelled 'Flint sucks balls' wrong. (BEAT) This guy's the next Betsy Ross! Aren't you Clarence? The guys laugh. MONIX walks up, defending his teammate. MONIX No one calls him Clarence. His name IS-- (BEAT) What's your name? 49. CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. MONIX His name's Jumping Johnny Johnson. (nose to nose) You got that? Jackie hurries over. JACKIE MOON Alright, break it up. (to his team) Everyone huddle up!... VAKIDIS! OVER HERE. Where is he walking to? (BEAT) Fuck it. Listen up, we're on National TV tonight. And you all know what that means: The league needs a good clean game. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, that's a bunch of dog shit. JACKIE MOON Hey! You guys want to merge or not? Because the fastest way to screw this up is to start punching people in the face while the commissioner is at home, watching the game with his kids... Children are very impressionable. Their minds are not yet soiled by the cruel realities of this world. BEE BEE ELLIS What? JACKIE MOON No punching. Behind the huddle, FANS BEGIN WALKING RIGHT ACROSS THE COURT. Both teams turn to watch this strange thing. The Amigos manager leads the herd, Jackie helps out, directing them across to the other side. JACKIE MOON THAT'S RIGHT, JUST MOVE RIGHT ACROSS- IF YOU COULD JUST FILL IN ALL OF THOSE EMPTY SEATS IN THAT AREA, THAT'D BE GREAT. 50. INT. AMIGO'S STADIUM - LATER The optical illusion has worked. The game does indeed look crowded. The game is in full swing. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) This sold out crowd is loving this one, the Amigos up by twenty-six here in the second. Monix drains a nice jumper, but out of nowhere, Petrelli, the guy we hate, throws a hard shoulder, knocking Monix to the floor. MONIX That's a moving pick Father Pat! C'mon! FATHER PAT THE REF Play on. Monix can't believe it. Petrelli taunts Monix. PETRELLI What's wrong Monix, cat got your 'nads? Monix faces off. JACKIE MOON MONIX! NO! (POINTING) Not with the cameras. (miming the commish') He's watching. Monix looks around and thinks... MONIX What about commercials? JACKIE MOON What? MONIX Commercials, what about commercials? Jackie thinks about this, then nods 'good idea.' JACKIE MOON I like it. Time out Ref! 51. ANNOUNCER (V.0. ) A time out on the floor, 5:20 left before the half, the Amigos 45, the Tropics 19, we'll be right back after this message from Shasta. The camera's on air' red light turns off. CAMERA MAN (rooting them on) And... You're clear. JACKIE MOON SOMEBODY HIT SOMEBODY! BAM! MONIX CLOCKS PETRELLI. BAM! JACKIE MOON PUNCHES ANOTHER GUY. PETRELLI TAKES THE HIT AND TACKLES MONIX. BOTH BENCHES CLEAR. THE CROWD GOES NUTS. INT. THE COMMISSIONER'S HOUSE - MEANWHILE The commissioner relaxes at home with his two kids... A Shasta commercial is on TV. SHASTA COMMERCIAL (V.0.) (on TV) I want a pop... I want a -- Shasta... INT. AMIGO STADIUM - CONTINUOUS MAYHEM. JACKIE MOON IS YANKING A FAN'S HAIR. A TALL GUY IS ABOUT TO POUND SHORT LITTLE KONG. BUT NOW KONG JUMPS IN THE AIR AND DOES A SWEET ROUND-HOUSE JUDO KICK, KNOCKING THE TALL GUY TO THE FLOOR. KONG Hi-Ya! MEANWHILE: MONIX AND PETRELLI ARE TRADING HOCKEY PUNCHES... CAMERA MAN And we're back in -5- (Monix punches Petrelli) -4- (Petrelli punches Monix) -3- (Monix punches Petrelli) 52 -2- (Monix ducks and punches) (cuing the announcers) AND WE'RE ON. THE 'RED LIGHT' GLOWS. ON A DIME: EVERYONE STOPS PUNCHING, STANDS UP STRAIGHT AND SMILES. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) Welcome back to the ABA game of the week... Players hold their heads in pain. Others limp back to the bench. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) .The camaraderie and spirit of this league is on full display here tonight... Off camera, Monix delivers a secret punch to Patrelli's spleen. INT. LOCKER ROOM - HALF TIME Jackie runs the half time talk, standing in front of the chalk board. JACKIE MOON Okay, solid first half guys, but we're going to have to make some ADJ-- Monix interrupts Jackie, pissed. He addresses the team, stepping in front of Jackie Moon. MONIX --This is bullshit guys. They're kicking our ass in basketball and they're kicking our ass during the commercials, too. Does anybody here understand the concept of the pick and roll? Because they're going to keep double teaming at the top of the key until somebody rotates the Damn ball... JACKIE MOON Yeah! C'mon guys! Rotate the ball. Monix looks at this group and gets even madder. 53. MONIX Does anyone in this room have any pride? Don't you realize, this is thelast four weeks of basketball anyus are ever going to play?Is thishow we're really going togo out?You'd think we'd want toend ourcareers battling, hustling after every loose ball. Boxing out under the boards. Setting picks for our teammates. But we haven't done shit out there. Twiggy Munson and Scootsie Double-Day hang their heads. MONIX We're a bunch of selfish assholes -- And I've got news for you, we aren't going to finish in fourth, we're going to finish dead last. Monix paces in front of the guys, a man possessed. MONIX One day, you're going to look back on your life... And you're going to look back on this time... And you're going to realize... Monix is staring right at Clarence. And Clarence is actually listening... MONIX .You're going to realize you never even played basketball. A moment of silence after the intensity. Monix waddles to the door. MONIX Now, you guys have fun out there in the second half. If anyone needs me, I'll be in the training room, draining my knee. Monix limps off, everyone's head is hanging low. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY He's right. 54. BEE BEE ELLIS Of course he's right. But what the Hell are we supposed to do about it? We don't even have plays. INT. JACKIE MOON'S OFFICE - DAYS LATER We're back in Flint. Jackie is back in his office, speaking on the phone. JACKIE MOON (into phone) Dukes! | ahead | How many times the word 'ahead' appears in the text? | 1 |
without looking over... CLARENCE Not everyone sits around dreaming of playing in the NBA, you know. 25. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Maybe not. But you do. TWIGGY MUNSON Yeah, that's all you ever talk about. MONIX You're not jealous, are you Clarence? CLARENCE No one calls me Clarence. BEE BEE ELLIS His name's Downtown. MONIX Okay Downtown. I'll make sure Downtown is only referred to as Downtown, okay Downtown? CLARENCE Don't think I don't know what you're doing. You're doing that thing where you pretend to mean what you say, but you don't. BEE BEE ELLIS Sarcasm. CLARENCE Yeah. How'd you like that sarcasm smacked off your face? MONIX Bring it, funky stuff. BEE BEE ELLIS That's sarcasm, man. He's doing it again! CLARENCE (to Bee Bee) I got this, alright? Monix squares off with a smile that says 'hit me.' Clarence takes off his leather full length and folds it nicely. CLARENCE (in Monix's face) How'd you like a knuckle sandwich? 26. MONIX Knuckle sandwich? Who says that? CLARENCE I do motherfucker. I'm gonna pound you so hard, you're-- MONIX REARS HIS FIST BACK, about to release a strong Popeye HOOK-- CLARENCE WAIT! CLARENCE IMMEDIATELY SWITCHES GEARS, PUTTING HIS HANDS UP LIKE A SCARED LITTLE GIRL. CLARENCE (like a sissy) --WAIT! OKAY? COOL COOL COOL. CHILL OUT, MAN, ALRIGHT? WE'RE COOL-- BAM. MONIX PUNCHES CLARENCE IN THE STOMACH ANYWAY. BEE BEE ELLIS YESSS! I LIKE IT! IT'S OUR OWN TEAM, BUT I LIKE IT. One of the party people, a ball girl, GAYLE, interrupts. GAYLE Excuse me boys. You mind, if I borrow your friend for a minute? INT. DANCE FLOOR - MEANWHILE Jackie is dancing to his own song, still wearing the ice packs on his knees. The song ends and A DIFFERENT ONE STARTS. JACKIE MOON (looking to the DJ) Hold on a second. MELINDA What's wrong? JACKIE MOON Where's the boogie? Jackie fights his way through the crowd to the DJ booth. JACKIE MOON (to DJ, over music) HEY! WHERE'S THE BOOGIE? 27. DJ I ALREADY PLAYED YOUR SONG FOUR TIMES. JACKIE MOON GET UP. DJ NO. YOU CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS, JACKIE. I'M THE DJ. JACKIE MOON (taking over as DJ) NOT ANY MORE. YOU'RE ON SNACK PATROL. SCREECH -- The music stops. JACKIE MOON (into the mic) The year was 1973. A young musician named Jackie Moon, finishes years of musical training, only to find he is a slave to the notes on the page. He knows it's time to break free. In a sudden fit of creative mastery, he grabs a pen and a napkin and writes a song that breaks all the rules. Ladies and gentleman... Let's get sweaty. MUSIC CUE: Jackie's song. Everyone goes crazy. JACKIE MOON (V.0.) (studio version) Baby, who wants to; love me sexy. baby, are you ready to; lick me sexy. Take off your shoes and; suck me sexy. Baby, we're naked and we're; humping sexy-- INT. DAIQUIRI ROOM - NIGHT Gayle and Monix walk upstairs into the 'coolest' room ever. Carpet on the ceiling, a plaid couch, a fish tank, a water bed, mirrors, etc. GAYLE I'm glad they traded for you, I got myself a cute one. MONIX So, this is the Daiquiri room? 28. LUCY MOON (O.S. ) That's right. REVEAL: LUCY MOON, Jackie's wife, is on the couch. She's the hottest girl in the world. LUCY MOON What do you think, Gayle? Does he like it with my boots on, or does he like my boots off? GAYLE He seems like a boots on kind of guy. LUCY MOON Then it looks like I'm ready. As soon as you slide these shorts off of me. MONIX Aren't you Jackie's wife? LUCY MOON He knows about the Daiquiri room. GAYLE It's a new tradition we're starting, when new players join. MONIX I see. Well, I'm going to have to pass. I'm good, thanks. LUCY MOON Honey, you don't know what good is. With that, Lucy flicks on the stereo-- MUSIC CUE: THE BAR KEYS 'TOO HOT TO STOP.' MONIX Listen um... (i.e. what's your name?) GAYLE My name is 'no strings attached.' LUCY MOON You can call me Mrs. Moon. Gayle and Lucy perform a funky/seductive dance, moving closer and closer to Monix. 29. MONIX I don't think this is going to happen, Mrs. Moon. LUCY MOON It has to. GAYLE It's bad luck if you don't. MONIX Yeah, I'd hate to bring bad luck to Flint Michigan. Lucy has sprayed some WHIP CREAM on her nipples. LUCY MOON (whip cream) Why don't you lick these clean for me? MONIX I can't eat dairy. Lucy decides that now is a good time to aggressively KISS him. Monix pushes her away. MONIX Nice tits, Mrs. Moon. I gotta go. Monix walks down the stairs. LUCY MOON (calling after him) I see what this is: You want us to send Eric and Marcus up here? On the way out, Monix flicks her off. INT. LYNN'S HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT Lynn is asleep next to Kyle. She awakes to someone pounding on the door. EXT. LYNN'S FRONT YARD - NIGHT Lynn has arrived at the screen door. Monix, wasted, doesn't notice Lynn yet, he keeps pounding until she opens it. LYNN Why are you here? 30. MONIX I got traded. LYNN I mean, why are you here? MONIX Can we talk? KYLE (O.S.) --Yo, Monix, you're wasted! Ha! Kyle has come out to say hi. MONIX Yeah. Sorry man-- KYLE What's up! That of jump shot of yours ain't broke yet, is it? MONIX No. Ha. KYLE Great back door cut for the lay-up in the third. That's how basketball should be played. MONIX Kyle, can you give us a second? We need to talk. KYLE No problem. Great game tonight man. MONIX Why does your boyfriend like me so much? LYNN You're his favorite player. MONIX Look, there are still some things I think we need to talk about. LYNN I've already said everything I'm ever going to say to you. 31. MONIX I see. (BEAT) Well, I guess I'll be leaving then. Monix walks away... Then turns back. MONIX You're really not going to stop me? LYNN No. Monix walks more, until Lynn speaks. LYNN You're going to end up walking with a cane the rest of your life. You have to quit. MONIX And do what? LYNN I don't know... Kill yourself, I guess. MONIX Kill myself? LYNN You act like there's nothing else in the world besides basketball. If that's how you really feel, then go ahead and get it over with. I'm going to sleep. MONIX Thanks for the pep. talk. LYNN No problem. MONIX Lynn. (she opens the door again) Can I ask you for one favor? LYNN You want a favor? MONIX My knee. 32. LYNN Oh, Jesus Christ Monix. It's 4 a.m. Lynn stares at him in disbelief. Monix shrugs. MONIX No one here can drain it right. LYNN Fine. Monix nods, then makes a move toward the door. LYNN No. You're not coming in. We'll do it in the yard. DISSOLVE TO: INT. JACKIE'S MONTE CARLO - DAYS LATER Jackie drives in his car, practicing for the meeting. tries to build some confidence. JACKIE MOON (into the rear view, very CIVILIZED) Well, hello Commissioner -- Why sure, I would love one of your Puerto Rican cigars -- Oh, I know I'm a legitimate owner, you don't have to tell me that -- We're merging with the NBA? Oh, that's nice -- Ha Ha Ha! Good one, Commish ... EXT. INDIANAPOLIS - CONTINUOUS A brick building on the outskirts of Indianapolis. A sign says. WELCOME ABA OWNERS. Jackie pulls into the lot and parks. He looks in the mirror one last time. JACKIE MOON Your Mom would be proud of you today. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS Not-quite-Rich guys surround a large oak table. JACKIE is by far the youngest of the owners. 33. COMMISH .I'm sure each of you have heard the rumors. And I'm here to tell you, the rumors are true. The ABA will be merging with the NBA at the end of this season. JACKIE MOON YES!!! (to an old guy) GIVE ME TEN, NORTON! YES!! (fists to the ceiling) EVERYONE CAN EAT SHIT! I AM THE GREATEST MAN IN THE WORLD! COMMISH Our league is sold. And the NBA agreed to all of our financial demands! Now Jackie turns inward, more quietly intense. This is, without question, the greatest moment of his life. JACKIE MOON (to himself) You're a real owner. You're in the NBA. COMMISH Four of our teams will be absorbed into the NBA family, the rest of you will terminate operations. JACKIE MOON Exactly! You know it! (now hearing) I'm sorry, wait, what? COMMISH The Nuggets, The Nets, The Spurs and the Pacers will play in the NBA next year. The rest of us will dissolve. JACKIE MOON Dissolve? Dissolve, like, how? How do I dissolve into the NBA? The winning owners look at each other, not sure how to handle Jackie. JACKIE MOON What's happening? 34. COMMISH I'm sorry Jackie. We all know how. emotional you get. We waited until the very last second to tell you. Jackie pounds the table. JACKIE MOON No. NO! NO!!! He kicks over his chair... THE COMMISH We know you're upset, Jackie. But you'll be very well compensated. LOSING OWNER #1 Everyone's agreed to a very large sum. JACKIE MOON I don't want a sum! I want my team! (to the losing owners) C'mon you guys, you're not going to just sit here and take the money, are you? They are. JACKIE MOON (to winning owners) What do the Spurs have that we don't? THE COMMISH A huge fan base. A brand new stadium. A solid economic growth package, including strong tax incentives. JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon, that's BULLSHIT! COMMISH The NBA is taking four teams, Jackie, there's nothing I can do. Jackie goes quiet, thinking... An epic idea hits him. JACKIE MOON The best four teams should go. 35. COMMISH What? JACKIE MOON Forget the huge fan base, the stadiums, the economic... (a little lost) Growing... package... inventions... WINNING OWNER #1 (correcting him) Economic growth pack-- JACKIE MOON I KNOW WHAT I SAID! (to the room) The four teams with the best records should merge. LOSING OWNER #2 He's right. LOSING OWNER #1 Yeah, that's the fairest way. COMMISH These four teams DO have the best records. Flint's only won six games all year! JACKIE MOON So far. The season isn't over. LOSING OWNER #2 Yeah, maybe we should finish the season first. COMMISH This plan sounds like a lot of fun, but it's too late. The commissioner, me, has already decided. LOSING OWNER #2 Actually, the terms of a merger can only be approved by a league mandate. JACKIE MOON YES. That's right. What he said. 36. LOSING OWNER #1 I move that we vote on the terms of the merger. EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NEXT DAY The team sits around the parking lot, sitting on their duffle bags, dejected. Jackie is having a team meeting. JACKIE MOON C'mon you guys, let's try to stay psyched. This is a chance to become a real NBA franchise! CLARENCE There's no way we can make it to fourth place. It's mathematically impossible. JACKIE MOON I ran the numbers. All we have to do is win about eighty-two percent of our remaining games. CLARENCE Eighty-two percent? Isn't that a lot? JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon! We just gotta start hitting our threes. (guys look around, unsure) Listen, I know this seems like bad news, but it doesn't have to be. This is a big road trip for us. We've just got to start playing solid Flint basketball. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY I don't know. We suck, man. JACKIE SLAPS SCOOTSIE. JACKIE MOON (re: The slap) Sorry. JACKIE SLAPS HIM AGAIN, HARDER. JACKIE MOON We do not suck, okay? We just have to want it! 37. Pumped, Jackie walks around with his hands on his hips. BEE BEE ELLIS What do you think, Monix? All eyes turn on the grumpy one. MONIX I think we suck. JACKIE MOON Well... See, now there's some team unity! Now let's load up the jet. REVEAL: A SHITTY SCHOOL BUS has the words 'THE JET!' Spray- painted in graffiti letters with a palm tree next to it. JACKIE MOON (as they load up) Now we've got a special treat. You know I take care of my family. Today, the Jet is catered. I had Downtown's Mom pack us some hot dish. BEE BEE ELLIS Ms. Quincy's hot dish? Sweet! INT. BUS - CONTINUOUS The guys load up. It's so packed it's ridiculous. Everyone tries to stuff their gear somewhere and sit down. Jackie carries a big pot of hot dish, accidentally burning Scootsie's back. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Ah, watch the hot dish, man. JACKIE MOON Sorry Scootsie. TWIGGY MUNSON Hey Jackie, there's some dude out there, wants to talk to you. POV: Out the window, we can see DUKES, the full court shot winner, holding his GIANT CHECK and looking into the bus. He's still shirtless, with a star-spangled headband. EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - MOMENTS LATER Jackie and Dukes are next to the bus, discussing the check. 38. DUKES I tried Jackie. They won't take it. They said it's 'symbolic.' JACKIE MOON What does symbolic mean? DUKES I don't know. But they said I need a real check. JACKIE MOON I don't know what your bank is talking about. That is a real check. I signed it myself. DUKES It's written in glitter, dude. Can't you just give me, like, a regular sized one? JACKIE MOON I don't get it. People are usually able to cash these. Maybe you should try another bank. (trying to wrap it up) If you run into any more trouble, let me know. DUKES Okay Jackie, thanks man. JACKIE MOON Any time, congratulations. Jackie turns away from Dukes and exhales, walking back to the bus. MUSIC CUE: 'SHORT PEOPLE' BY RANDY NEWMAN. EXT. THE HIGHWAY - DAY We're flying down the highway. INT. THE JET - DAY Kong, the small Asian player, is driving, singing along with Jackie to the radio... JACKIE MOON & KONG (singing Randy Newman) SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... 39. SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE Jackie reaches up into a special bin and takes out some beef jerky, then yells out the window. JACKIE (out the window at a car) YOU IN-THE-GREEN-CAR GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE... Pan back to see the whole team crammed into tiny seats. Vakidis has his knees pointing straight toward the ceiling. Twiggy Munson is reading '70's pornography. Clarence is sewing a new name onto his jersey. The rest of the guys are eating their hot dish. MONIX So, Clarence, what's in this 'hot dish' anyway? CLARENCE My Mom cooked your ass a whole Damn meal, why you gotta go asking what's in it? MONIX It's a compliment. It's good. CLARENCE If it's good, then it's good. Why do you gotta know what's in it? What's in hot dish? Hot dish is in hot dish, asshole. BEE BEE and SCOOTSIE look over the seat, facing them. BEE BEE ELLIS Hey Monix, what were the Celtics like? MONIX They were fast. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Fast? No one's faster than me. I should be on the Celtics. MONIX (pointing to his mind) Fast up here. 40. BEE BEE ELLIS You're supposed to be Mr. Smartball. Why'd you get bounced? MONIX Well, you have to be able to jump too. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Hey, let us see that ring again. MONIX Not right now, okay Twiggy? CLARENCE Isn't it a little embarrassing wearing that thing everyday? MONIX Embarrassing? CLARENCE You call yourself a Celtic? You sat through every single playoff game. You didn't see action once. And now you walk around wearing the ice like you're Bill Russel. Well you ain't. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, you're just jealous. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Yeah, Monix played solid minutes, for lots of teams. He's played in the NBA, that's more than you can say. CLARENCE Whatever. At least I never sat on the bench and then called myself a champion. You didn't do shit for that Celtic team. If I was Dave Cowens, I'd yank that ring right off your neck. That was a pretty heated exchange. Monix looks like he's got something to say, but he doesn't. Clarence has the last word. CLARENCE He doesn't wear it on his finger because he knows he didn't earn it. He didn't even play. 41. Monix looks out the window. EXT. ROAD GAME #1 - NIGHT 'The Jet' is parked outside the arena. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) We're just a few minutes away from game one of the Tropic's 6 game road trip. With talk of an NBA merger hitting the league, there's a new electricity surrounding tonight's game... INT. VISITOR'S LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT Jackie addresses his team before tip off. JACKIE MOON Alright. Now, a lot of people out there are writing us off. A lot people are saying things like 'Jackie Moon is an offensive liability.' They're saying 'Flint's turnovers led to sixty fast break points per game.' (Making this up) They're saying 'Bee Bee's retarded brother is so retarded that his eyes look too big,. Like a French Bulldog. BEE BEE ELLIS No one said that, man. JACKIE MOON (trying to motivate) Yes they did. And we're going to use it as motivation, okay? THIS IS OUR TIME! WE'RE GOING TO SHOOT MORE THAN WE'VE EVER SHOT BEFORE! NOW BRING IT IN! READY? ONE TWO THREE- EVERYONE LET'S GET TROPICAL! MONTAGE: FLINT PLAYS HARDER BUT THEY STILL SUCK. GAME 1) JACKIE MOON sprints across the floor tries to get two f eet planted in the lane. It's not even close, JACKIE HAS TAKEN A GUY DOWN HARD. The ref whistles a blocking foul. 42. JACKIE MOON OH, C'MON!? Where's the charge, Father Pat? FATHER PAT THE REF Both feet weren't planted. JACKIE MOON OH, SUCK MY COCK. I WILL MURDER YOUR FAMILY. FATHER PAT THE REF That's it, you're out. JACKIE MOON What!? What did I say? Jackie takes a ball and drop kicks it, PUNTING IT high up into the rafters. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: COLONELS 111 TROPICS 92. GAME 2) MONIX drives the lane, fast and smart -- A no-look pass hits Scootsie Double-Day in the shoulder. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY AH. MY COLLAR BONE! BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: SQUIRES 90 TROPICS 70. GAME 3) CLARENCE and BEE BEE jog back on Defense. CLARENCE I ain't guarding my guy anymore. BEE BEE ELLIS Why not? CLARENCE He's too'Damn sweaty, man. (re: his wet uniform) Look at me. BEE BEE ELLIS Gross. Well, I ain't guarding him. Monix notices this discussion. MONIX Quit talking and play defense! The sweaty guy backs in on Clarence, posting up top. 44. GAME 5) Jackie Moon plays great defense, rejecting a shot! Monix grabs the ball and dribbles on a fast break. Clarence trails, in perfect position... CLARENCE Right on! I'm open baby! Try a behind-the-back! Monix delivers a nice two handed bounce pass, but Clarence isn't ready for anything fundamentally sound -- The ball hits him in the nuts. CLARENCE Ah, shit. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: PIPERS 105 TROPICS 91. EXT. HOTEL STRIP - NIGHT Angle on a big hotel with fancy lights -- but then we pan to reveal: A shitty motel. The 'Jet' is parked at the cheap place. INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Two twin beds in a crap-box motel room. Monix has the phone to his ear, but it just keeps ringing. He'd leave a message for Lynn, but answering machines haven't been invented yet. He hangs up, looks in the mirror, and now takes his Championship ring necklace off. He looks at the ring in his hand... And shoves it into his duffle bag. CLARENCE (O.S.) I brought us some ice. Monix is startled. Clarence, his roommate for the night, enters. MONIX Ice? What for? CLARENCE I don't know, it's free. Clarence takes some ice, pops it in his mouth and starts crunching. CLARENCE Want some? 45. MONIX No thanks. Now BEE BEE enters, yet another player in the small room. BEE BEE ELLIS That Root Beer machine took my fucking change, man. White people are assholes. Monix ignores this. Laying back, he focuses on the TV: THE CELTICS are playing. Their trapping defense is a thing of beauty. Clarence walks over and flicks the channels, until he stops at 'Love American Style.' MONIX You turned off the Celtics? CLARENCE I don't watch people play basketball. They watch me. With that, Clarence pulls out a JOINT and lights it. MONIX (re: the marijuana) What the Hell is that? CLARENCE (as he inhales) It's a fucking Egg-McMuffin. Monix opens the window, clearing the pot smoke out of his face. JACKIE EXITS the bathroom, having just taken a shower. He's wearing a very small robe. This is now the fourth player who's sleeping in this tiny room. MONIX Why don't you shower in your room? JACKIE MOON My wife is using it. I'll be crashing with you guys tonight. (NOTICING) Ice? Awesome. (as he eats ice, re: TV) Love American Style? Turn it up. 46. Jackie doesn't say a word about the pot. Instead he keeps his eyes glued to the TV, then reaches for the joint and SMOKES IT. MONIX Jackie, have you ever even slept with your wife? JACKIE MOON (LYING) What? Are you kidding? Try, like, every weekend. She's so hot. MONIX Sounds like a great arrangement. JACKIE MOON You guys need to wake up. Quit living like it's the 1950's, man. Live it up. (showing off) Hey Clarence, let's have some of that smoke, bro. MONIX I'm pretty sure we have a game tomorrow. JACKIE MOON (as he inhales) This stuff won't affect you. It's premium. Jackie finishes inhaling, then holds it out for Monix. He stares at the joint, then around the room at his teammates. MONIX Well, if this is really going to be my life, I might as well be stoned like everyone else. JACKIE MOON Well said. Monix takes the stupid joint. The instant Monix inhales he COUGHS LIKE CRAZY. MONIX What the Hell is this? CLARENCE What do you mean? 47. MONIX It's harsh. CLARENCE Take that back. MONIX Take what back? JACKIE MOON His Mom grows it. CLARENCE Yeah, in the yard. MONIX Your Mom grew this? CLARENCE It's sweet grass. MONIX Well, I'm finished, thanks. CLARENCE What's wrong, my Mom's weed ain't good enough for you? MONIX I guess not. JACKIE MOON C'mon man, have some respect for his Mom's weed. CLARENCE That's it, I ain't sleeping in the same bed as this motherfucker. INT. AMIGO STADIUM - ROAD TRIP GAME 6 - NEXT NIGHT Television cameras are being set up. A camera man cleans the lens. Jackie studies the cameras, mesmerized by the idea of television. He speaks with the Amigo's manager. AMIGO MANAGER You want all the fans to sit on one side of the stadium? 48. JACKIE MOON Yeah, just move all those people over to this side. (DEMONSTRATING) See, the TV cameras are going to face this way, right? Well, if we fill the seats on that side, we'll look sold out. AMIGO MANAGER Actually, that's not a bad idea. MEANWHILE, ON THE COURT: Both teams are warming up. Clarence now has a new name on his Jersey. There are so many words, there is barely space for a number. It's a mess. CLARENCE (re: Jersey, new name) Check it out. I sewed it on the bus. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY (struggling to read it) What's it say? CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. The asshole, PETRELLI, wanders over near the Tropics side of the court. PETRELLI Yo, Granny Yarn Barn, how's the needle point going? CLARENCE Kiss my ass, Petrelli. PETRELLI (re: the Jersey name) Hey man, I think you spelled 'Flint sucks balls' wrong. (BEAT) This guy's the next Betsy Ross! Aren't you Clarence? The guys laugh. MONIX walks up, defending his teammate. MONIX No one calls him Clarence. His name IS-- (BEAT) What's your name? 49. CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. MONIX His name's Jumping Johnny Johnson. (nose to nose) You got that? Jackie hurries over. JACKIE MOON Alright, break it up. (to his team) Everyone huddle up!... VAKIDIS! OVER HERE. Where is he walking to? (BEAT) Fuck it. Listen up, we're on National TV tonight. And you all know what that means: The league needs a good clean game. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, that's a bunch of dog shit. JACKIE MOON Hey! You guys want to merge or not? Because the fastest way to screw this up is to start punching people in the face while the commissioner is at home, watching the game with his kids... Children are very impressionable. Their minds are not yet soiled by the cruel realities of this world. BEE BEE ELLIS What? JACKIE MOON No punching. Behind the huddle, FANS BEGIN WALKING RIGHT ACROSS THE COURT. Both teams turn to watch this strange thing. The Amigos manager leads the herd, Jackie helps out, directing them across to the other side. JACKIE MOON THAT'S RIGHT, JUST MOVE RIGHT ACROSS- IF YOU COULD JUST FILL IN ALL OF THOSE EMPTY SEATS IN THAT AREA, THAT'D BE GREAT. 50. INT. AMIGO'S STADIUM - LATER The optical illusion has worked. The game does indeed look crowded. The game is in full swing. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) This sold out crowd is loving this one, the Amigos up by twenty-six here in the second. Monix drains a nice jumper, but out of nowhere, Petrelli, the guy we hate, throws a hard shoulder, knocking Monix to the floor. MONIX That's a moving pick Father Pat! C'mon! FATHER PAT THE REF Play on. Monix can't believe it. Petrelli taunts Monix. PETRELLI What's wrong Monix, cat got your 'nads? Monix faces off. JACKIE MOON MONIX! NO! (POINTING) Not with the cameras. (miming the commish') He's watching. Monix looks around and thinks... MONIX What about commercials? JACKIE MOON What? MONIX Commercials, what about commercials? Jackie thinks about this, then nods 'good idea.' JACKIE MOON I like it. Time out Ref! 51. ANNOUNCER (V.0. ) A time out on the floor, 5:20 left before the half, the Amigos 45, the Tropics 19, we'll be right back after this message from Shasta. The camera's on air' red light turns off. CAMERA MAN (rooting them on) And... You're clear. JACKIE MOON SOMEBODY HIT SOMEBODY! BAM! MONIX CLOCKS PETRELLI. BAM! JACKIE MOON PUNCHES ANOTHER GUY. PETRELLI TAKES THE HIT AND TACKLES MONIX. BOTH BENCHES CLEAR. THE CROWD GOES NUTS. INT. THE COMMISSIONER'S HOUSE - MEANWHILE The commissioner relaxes at home with his two kids... A Shasta commercial is on TV. SHASTA COMMERCIAL (V.0.) (on TV) I want a pop... I want a -- Shasta... INT. AMIGO STADIUM - CONTINUOUS MAYHEM. JACKIE MOON IS YANKING A FAN'S HAIR. A TALL GUY IS ABOUT TO POUND SHORT LITTLE KONG. BUT NOW KONG JUMPS IN THE AIR AND DOES A SWEET ROUND-HOUSE JUDO KICK, KNOCKING THE TALL GUY TO THE FLOOR. KONG Hi-Ya! MEANWHILE: MONIX AND PETRELLI ARE TRADING HOCKEY PUNCHES... CAMERA MAN And we're back in -5- (Monix punches Petrelli) -4- (Petrelli punches Monix) -3- (Monix punches Petrelli) 52 -2- (Monix ducks and punches) (cuing the announcers) AND WE'RE ON. THE 'RED LIGHT' GLOWS. ON A DIME: EVERYONE STOPS PUNCHING, STANDS UP STRAIGHT AND SMILES. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) Welcome back to the ABA game of the week... Players hold their heads in pain. Others limp back to the bench. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) .The camaraderie and spirit of this league is on full display here tonight... Off camera, Monix delivers a secret punch to Patrelli's spleen. INT. LOCKER ROOM - HALF TIME Jackie runs the half time talk, standing in front of the chalk board. JACKIE MOON Okay, solid first half guys, but we're going to have to make some ADJ-- Monix interrupts Jackie, pissed. He addresses the team, stepping in front of Jackie Moon. MONIX --This is bullshit guys. They're kicking our ass in basketball and they're kicking our ass during the commercials, too. Does anybody here understand the concept of the pick and roll? Because they're going to keep double teaming at the top of the key until somebody rotates the Damn ball... JACKIE MOON Yeah! C'mon guys! Rotate the ball. Monix looks at this group and gets even madder. 53. MONIX Does anyone in this room have any pride? Don't you realize, this is thelast four weeks of basketball anyus are ever going to play?Is thishow we're really going togo out?You'd think we'd want toend ourcareers battling, hustling after every loose ball. Boxing out under the boards. Setting picks for our teammates. But we haven't done shit out there. Twiggy Munson and Scootsie Double-Day hang their heads. MONIX We're a bunch of selfish assholes -- And I've got news for you, we aren't going to finish in fourth, we're going to finish dead last. Monix paces in front of the guys, a man possessed. MONIX One day, you're going to look back on your life... And you're going to look back on this time... And you're going to realize... Monix is staring right at Clarence. And Clarence is actually listening... MONIX .You're going to realize you never even played basketball. A moment of silence after the intensity. Monix waddles to the door. MONIX Now, you guys have fun out there in the second half. If anyone needs me, I'll be in the training room, draining my knee. Monix limps off, everyone's head is hanging low. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY He's right. 54. BEE BEE ELLIS Of course he's right. But what the Hell are we supposed to do about it? We don't even have plays. INT. JACKIE MOON'S OFFICE - DAYS LATER We're back in Flint. Jackie is back in his office, speaking on the phone. JACKIE MOON (into phone) Dukes! | finest | How many times the word 'finest' appears in the text? | 0 |
without looking over... CLARENCE Not everyone sits around dreaming of playing in the NBA, you know. 25. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Maybe not. But you do. TWIGGY MUNSON Yeah, that's all you ever talk about. MONIX You're not jealous, are you Clarence? CLARENCE No one calls me Clarence. BEE BEE ELLIS His name's Downtown. MONIX Okay Downtown. I'll make sure Downtown is only referred to as Downtown, okay Downtown? CLARENCE Don't think I don't know what you're doing. You're doing that thing where you pretend to mean what you say, but you don't. BEE BEE ELLIS Sarcasm. CLARENCE Yeah. How'd you like that sarcasm smacked off your face? MONIX Bring it, funky stuff. BEE BEE ELLIS That's sarcasm, man. He's doing it again! CLARENCE (to Bee Bee) I got this, alright? Monix squares off with a smile that says 'hit me.' Clarence takes off his leather full length and folds it nicely. CLARENCE (in Monix's face) How'd you like a knuckle sandwich? 26. MONIX Knuckle sandwich? Who says that? CLARENCE I do motherfucker. I'm gonna pound you so hard, you're-- MONIX REARS HIS FIST BACK, about to release a strong Popeye HOOK-- CLARENCE WAIT! CLARENCE IMMEDIATELY SWITCHES GEARS, PUTTING HIS HANDS UP LIKE A SCARED LITTLE GIRL. CLARENCE (like a sissy) --WAIT! OKAY? COOL COOL COOL. CHILL OUT, MAN, ALRIGHT? WE'RE COOL-- BAM. MONIX PUNCHES CLARENCE IN THE STOMACH ANYWAY. BEE BEE ELLIS YESSS! I LIKE IT! IT'S OUR OWN TEAM, BUT I LIKE IT. One of the party people, a ball girl, GAYLE, interrupts. GAYLE Excuse me boys. You mind, if I borrow your friend for a minute? INT. DANCE FLOOR - MEANWHILE Jackie is dancing to his own song, still wearing the ice packs on his knees. The song ends and A DIFFERENT ONE STARTS. JACKIE MOON (looking to the DJ) Hold on a second. MELINDA What's wrong? JACKIE MOON Where's the boogie? Jackie fights his way through the crowd to the DJ booth. JACKIE MOON (to DJ, over music) HEY! WHERE'S THE BOOGIE? 27. DJ I ALREADY PLAYED YOUR SONG FOUR TIMES. JACKIE MOON GET UP. DJ NO. YOU CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS, JACKIE. I'M THE DJ. JACKIE MOON (taking over as DJ) NOT ANY MORE. YOU'RE ON SNACK PATROL. SCREECH -- The music stops. JACKIE MOON (into the mic) The year was 1973. A young musician named Jackie Moon, finishes years of musical training, only to find he is a slave to the notes on the page. He knows it's time to break free. In a sudden fit of creative mastery, he grabs a pen and a napkin and writes a song that breaks all the rules. Ladies and gentleman... Let's get sweaty. MUSIC CUE: Jackie's song. Everyone goes crazy. JACKIE MOON (V.0.) (studio version) Baby, who wants to; love me sexy. baby, are you ready to; lick me sexy. Take off your shoes and; suck me sexy. Baby, we're naked and we're; humping sexy-- INT. DAIQUIRI ROOM - NIGHT Gayle and Monix walk upstairs into the 'coolest' room ever. Carpet on the ceiling, a plaid couch, a fish tank, a water bed, mirrors, etc. GAYLE I'm glad they traded for you, I got myself a cute one. MONIX So, this is the Daiquiri room? 28. LUCY MOON (O.S. ) That's right. REVEAL: LUCY MOON, Jackie's wife, is on the couch. She's the hottest girl in the world. LUCY MOON What do you think, Gayle? Does he like it with my boots on, or does he like my boots off? GAYLE He seems like a boots on kind of guy. LUCY MOON Then it looks like I'm ready. As soon as you slide these shorts off of me. MONIX Aren't you Jackie's wife? LUCY MOON He knows about the Daiquiri room. GAYLE It's a new tradition we're starting, when new players join. MONIX I see. Well, I'm going to have to pass. I'm good, thanks. LUCY MOON Honey, you don't know what good is. With that, Lucy flicks on the stereo-- MUSIC CUE: THE BAR KEYS 'TOO HOT TO STOP.' MONIX Listen um... (i.e. what's your name?) GAYLE My name is 'no strings attached.' LUCY MOON You can call me Mrs. Moon. Gayle and Lucy perform a funky/seductive dance, moving closer and closer to Monix. 29. MONIX I don't think this is going to happen, Mrs. Moon. LUCY MOON It has to. GAYLE It's bad luck if you don't. MONIX Yeah, I'd hate to bring bad luck to Flint Michigan. Lucy has sprayed some WHIP CREAM on her nipples. LUCY MOON (whip cream) Why don't you lick these clean for me? MONIX I can't eat dairy. Lucy decides that now is a good time to aggressively KISS him. Monix pushes her away. MONIX Nice tits, Mrs. Moon. I gotta go. Monix walks down the stairs. LUCY MOON (calling after him) I see what this is: You want us to send Eric and Marcus up here? On the way out, Monix flicks her off. INT. LYNN'S HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT Lynn is asleep next to Kyle. She awakes to someone pounding on the door. EXT. LYNN'S FRONT YARD - NIGHT Lynn has arrived at the screen door. Monix, wasted, doesn't notice Lynn yet, he keeps pounding until she opens it. LYNN Why are you here? 30. MONIX I got traded. LYNN I mean, why are you here? MONIX Can we talk? KYLE (O.S.) --Yo, Monix, you're wasted! Ha! Kyle has come out to say hi. MONIX Yeah. Sorry man-- KYLE What's up! That of jump shot of yours ain't broke yet, is it? MONIX No. Ha. KYLE Great back door cut for the lay-up in the third. That's how basketball should be played. MONIX Kyle, can you give us a second? We need to talk. KYLE No problem. Great game tonight man. MONIX Why does your boyfriend like me so much? LYNN You're his favorite player. MONIX Look, there are still some things I think we need to talk about. LYNN I've already said everything I'm ever going to say to you. 31. MONIX I see. (BEAT) Well, I guess I'll be leaving then. Monix walks away... Then turns back. MONIX You're really not going to stop me? LYNN No. Monix walks more, until Lynn speaks. LYNN You're going to end up walking with a cane the rest of your life. You have to quit. MONIX And do what? LYNN I don't know... Kill yourself, I guess. MONIX Kill myself? LYNN You act like there's nothing else in the world besides basketball. If that's how you really feel, then go ahead and get it over with. I'm going to sleep. MONIX Thanks for the pep. talk. LYNN No problem. MONIX Lynn. (she opens the door again) Can I ask you for one favor? LYNN You want a favor? MONIX My knee. 32. LYNN Oh, Jesus Christ Monix. It's 4 a.m. Lynn stares at him in disbelief. Monix shrugs. MONIX No one here can drain it right. LYNN Fine. Monix nods, then makes a move toward the door. LYNN No. You're not coming in. We'll do it in the yard. DISSOLVE TO: INT. JACKIE'S MONTE CARLO - DAYS LATER Jackie drives in his car, practicing for the meeting. tries to build some confidence. JACKIE MOON (into the rear view, very CIVILIZED) Well, hello Commissioner -- Why sure, I would love one of your Puerto Rican cigars -- Oh, I know I'm a legitimate owner, you don't have to tell me that -- We're merging with the NBA? Oh, that's nice -- Ha Ha Ha! Good one, Commish ... EXT. INDIANAPOLIS - CONTINUOUS A brick building on the outskirts of Indianapolis. A sign says. WELCOME ABA OWNERS. Jackie pulls into the lot and parks. He looks in the mirror one last time. JACKIE MOON Your Mom would be proud of you today. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS Not-quite-Rich guys surround a large oak table. JACKIE is by far the youngest of the owners. 33. COMMISH .I'm sure each of you have heard the rumors. And I'm here to tell you, the rumors are true. The ABA will be merging with the NBA at the end of this season. JACKIE MOON YES!!! (to an old guy) GIVE ME TEN, NORTON! YES!! (fists to the ceiling) EVERYONE CAN EAT SHIT! I AM THE GREATEST MAN IN THE WORLD! COMMISH Our league is sold. And the NBA agreed to all of our financial demands! Now Jackie turns inward, more quietly intense. This is, without question, the greatest moment of his life. JACKIE MOON (to himself) You're a real owner. You're in the NBA. COMMISH Four of our teams will be absorbed into the NBA family, the rest of you will terminate operations. JACKIE MOON Exactly! You know it! (now hearing) I'm sorry, wait, what? COMMISH The Nuggets, The Nets, The Spurs and the Pacers will play in the NBA next year. The rest of us will dissolve. JACKIE MOON Dissolve? Dissolve, like, how? How do I dissolve into the NBA? The winning owners look at each other, not sure how to handle Jackie. JACKIE MOON What's happening? 34. COMMISH I'm sorry Jackie. We all know how. emotional you get. We waited until the very last second to tell you. Jackie pounds the table. JACKIE MOON No. NO! NO!!! He kicks over his chair... THE COMMISH We know you're upset, Jackie. But you'll be very well compensated. LOSING OWNER #1 Everyone's agreed to a very large sum. JACKIE MOON I don't want a sum! I want my team! (to the losing owners) C'mon you guys, you're not going to just sit here and take the money, are you? They are. JACKIE MOON (to winning owners) What do the Spurs have that we don't? THE COMMISH A huge fan base. A brand new stadium. A solid economic growth package, including strong tax incentives. JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon, that's BULLSHIT! COMMISH The NBA is taking four teams, Jackie, there's nothing I can do. Jackie goes quiet, thinking... An epic idea hits him. JACKIE MOON The best four teams should go. 35. COMMISH What? JACKIE MOON Forget the huge fan base, the stadiums, the economic... (a little lost) Growing... package... inventions... WINNING OWNER #1 (correcting him) Economic growth pack-- JACKIE MOON I KNOW WHAT I SAID! (to the room) The four teams with the best records should merge. LOSING OWNER #2 He's right. LOSING OWNER #1 Yeah, that's the fairest way. COMMISH These four teams DO have the best records. Flint's only won six games all year! JACKIE MOON So far. The season isn't over. LOSING OWNER #2 Yeah, maybe we should finish the season first. COMMISH This plan sounds like a lot of fun, but it's too late. The commissioner, me, has already decided. LOSING OWNER #2 Actually, the terms of a merger can only be approved by a league mandate. JACKIE MOON YES. That's right. What he said. 36. LOSING OWNER #1 I move that we vote on the terms of the merger. EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NEXT DAY The team sits around the parking lot, sitting on their duffle bags, dejected. Jackie is having a team meeting. JACKIE MOON C'mon you guys, let's try to stay psyched. This is a chance to become a real NBA franchise! CLARENCE There's no way we can make it to fourth place. It's mathematically impossible. JACKIE MOON I ran the numbers. All we have to do is win about eighty-two percent of our remaining games. CLARENCE Eighty-two percent? Isn't that a lot? JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon! We just gotta start hitting our threes. (guys look around, unsure) Listen, I know this seems like bad news, but it doesn't have to be. This is a big road trip for us. We've just got to start playing solid Flint basketball. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY I don't know. We suck, man. JACKIE SLAPS SCOOTSIE. JACKIE MOON (re: The slap) Sorry. JACKIE SLAPS HIM AGAIN, HARDER. JACKIE MOON We do not suck, okay? We just have to want it! 37. Pumped, Jackie walks around with his hands on his hips. BEE BEE ELLIS What do you think, Monix? All eyes turn on the grumpy one. MONIX I think we suck. JACKIE MOON Well... See, now there's some team unity! Now let's load up the jet. REVEAL: A SHITTY SCHOOL BUS has the words 'THE JET!' Spray- painted in graffiti letters with a palm tree next to it. JACKIE MOON (as they load up) Now we've got a special treat. You know I take care of my family. Today, the Jet is catered. I had Downtown's Mom pack us some hot dish. BEE BEE ELLIS Ms. Quincy's hot dish? Sweet! INT. BUS - CONTINUOUS The guys load up. It's so packed it's ridiculous. Everyone tries to stuff their gear somewhere and sit down. Jackie carries a big pot of hot dish, accidentally burning Scootsie's back. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Ah, watch the hot dish, man. JACKIE MOON Sorry Scootsie. TWIGGY MUNSON Hey Jackie, there's some dude out there, wants to talk to you. POV: Out the window, we can see DUKES, the full court shot winner, holding his GIANT CHECK and looking into the bus. He's still shirtless, with a star-spangled headband. EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - MOMENTS LATER Jackie and Dukes are next to the bus, discussing the check. 38. DUKES I tried Jackie. They won't take it. They said it's 'symbolic.' JACKIE MOON What does symbolic mean? DUKES I don't know. But they said I need a real check. JACKIE MOON I don't know what your bank is talking about. That is a real check. I signed it myself. DUKES It's written in glitter, dude. Can't you just give me, like, a regular sized one? JACKIE MOON I don't get it. People are usually able to cash these. Maybe you should try another bank. (trying to wrap it up) If you run into any more trouble, let me know. DUKES Okay Jackie, thanks man. JACKIE MOON Any time, congratulations. Jackie turns away from Dukes and exhales, walking back to the bus. MUSIC CUE: 'SHORT PEOPLE' BY RANDY NEWMAN. EXT. THE HIGHWAY - DAY We're flying down the highway. INT. THE JET - DAY Kong, the small Asian player, is driving, singing along with Jackie to the radio... JACKIE MOON & KONG (singing Randy Newman) SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... 39. SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE Jackie reaches up into a special bin and takes out some beef jerky, then yells out the window. JACKIE (out the window at a car) YOU IN-THE-GREEN-CAR GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE... Pan back to see the whole team crammed into tiny seats. Vakidis has his knees pointing straight toward the ceiling. Twiggy Munson is reading '70's pornography. Clarence is sewing a new name onto his jersey. The rest of the guys are eating their hot dish. MONIX So, Clarence, what's in this 'hot dish' anyway? CLARENCE My Mom cooked your ass a whole Damn meal, why you gotta go asking what's in it? MONIX It's a compliment. It's good. CLARENCE If it's good, then it's good. Why do you gotta know what's in it? What's in hot dish? Hot dish is in hot dish, asshole. BEE BEE and SCOOTSIE look over the seat, facing them. BEE BEE ELLIS Hey Monix, what were the Celtics like? MONIX They were fast. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Fast? No one's faster than me. I should be on the Celtics. MONIX (pointing to his mind) Fast up here. 40. BEE BEE ELLIS You're supposed to be Mr. Smartball. Why'd you get bounced? MONIX Well, you have to be able to jump too. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Hey, let us see that ring again. MONIX Not right now, okay Twiggy? CLARENCE Isn't it a little embarrassing wearing that thing everyday? MONIX Embarrassing? CLARENCE You call yourself a Celtic? You sat through every single playoff game. You didn't see action once. And now you walk around wearing the ice like you're Bill Russel. Well you ain't. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, you're just jealous. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Yeah, Monix played solid minutes, for lots of teams. He's played in the NBA, that's more than you can say. CLARENCE Whatever. At least I never sat on the bench and then called myself a champion. You didn't do shit for that Celtic team. If I was Dave Cowens, I'd yank that ring right off your neck. That was a pretty heated exchange. Monix looks like he's got something to say, but he doesn't. Clarence has the last word. CLARENCE He doesn't wear it on his finger because he knows he didn't earn it. He didn't even play. 41. Monix looks out the window. EXT. ROAD GAME #1 - NIGHT 'The Jet' is parked outside the arena. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) We're just a few minutes away from game one of the Tropic's 6 game road trip. With talk of an NBA merger hitting the league, there's a new electricity surrounding tonight's game... INT. VISITOR'S LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT Jackie addresses his team before tip off. JACKIE MOON Alright. Now, a lot of people out there are writing us off. A lot people are saying things like 'Jackie Moon is an offensive liability.' They're saying 'Flint's turnovers led to sixty fast break points per game.' (Making this up) They're saying 'Bee Bee's retarded brother is so retarded that his eyes look too big,. Like a French Bulldog. BEE BEE ELLIS No one said that, man. JACKIE MOON (trying to motivate) Yes they did. And we're going to use it as motivation, okay? THIS IS OUR TIME! WE'RE GOING TO SHOOT MORE THAN WE'VE EVER SHOT BEFORE! NOW BRING IT IN! READY? ONE TWO THREE- EVERYONE LET'S GET TROPICAL! MONTAGE: FLINT PLAYS HARDER BUT THEY STILL SUCK. GAME 1) JACKIE MOON sprints across the floor tries to get two f eet planted in the lane. It's not even close, JACKIE HAS TAKEN A GUY DOWN HARD. The ref whistles a blocking foul. 42. JACKIE MOON OH, C'MON!? Where's the charge, Father Pat? FATHER PAT THE REF Both feet weren't planted. JACKIE MOON OH, SUCK MY COCK. I WILL MURDER YOUR FAMILY. FATHER PAT THE REF That's it, you're out. JACKIE MOON What!? What did I say? Jackie takes a ball and drop kicks it, PUNTING IT high up into the rafters. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: COLONELS 111 TROPICS 92. GAME 2) MONIX drives the lane, fast and smart -- A no-look pass hits Scootsie Double-Day in the shoulder. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY AH. MY COLLAR BONE! BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: SQUIRES 90 TROPICS 70. GAME 3) CLARENCE and BEE BEE jog back on Defense. CLARENCE I ain't guarding my guy anymore. BEE BEE ELLIS Why not? CLARENCE He's too'Damn sweaty, man. (re: his wet uniform) Look at me. BEE BEE ELLIS Gross. Well, I ain't guarding him. Monix notices this discussion. MONIX Quit talking and play defense! The sweaty guy backs in on Clarence, posting up top. 44. GAME 5) Jackie Moon plays great defense, rejecting a shot! Monix grabs the ball and dribbles on a fast break. Clarence trails, in perfect position... CLARENCE Right on! I'm open baby! Try a behind-the-back! Monix delivers a nice two handed bounce pass, but Clarence isn't ready for anything fundamentally sound -- The ball hits him in the nuts. CLARENCE Ah, shit. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: PIPERS 105 TROPICS 91. EXT. HOTEL STRIP - NIGHT Angle on a big hotel with fancy lights -- but then we pan to reveal: A shitty motel. The 'Jet' is parked at the cheap place. INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Two twin beds in a crap-box motel room. Monix has the phone to his ear, but it just keeps ringing. He'd leave a message for Lynn, but answering machines haven't been invented yet. He hangs up, looks in the mirror, and now takes his Championship ring necklace off. He looks at the ring in his hand... And shoves it into his duffle bag. CLARENCE (O.S.) I brought us some ice. Monix is startled. Clarence, his roommate for the night, enters. MONIX Ice? What for? CLARENCE I don't know, it's free. Clarence takes some ice, pops it in his mouth and starts crunching. CLARENCE Want some? 45. MONIX No thanks. Now BEE BEE enters, yet another player in the small room. BEE BEE ELLIS That Root Beer machine took my fucking change, man. White people are assholes. Monix ignores this. Laying back, he focuses on the TV: THE CELTICS are playing. Their trapping defense is a thing of beauty. Clarence walks over and flicks the channels, until he stops at 'Love American Style.' MONIX You turned off the Celtics? CLARENCE I don't watch people play basketball. They watch me. With that, Clarence pulls out a JOINT and lights it. MONIX (re: the marijuana) What the Hell is that? CLARENCE (as he inhales) It's a fucking Egg-McMuffin. Monix opens the window, clearing the pot smoke out of his face. JACKIE EXITS the bathroom, having just taken a shower. He's wearing a very small robe. This is now the fourth player who's sleeping in this tiny room. MONIX Why don't you shower in your room? JACKIE MOON My wife is using it. I'll be crashing with you guys tonight. (NOTICING) Ice? Awesome. (as he eats ice, re: TV) Love American Style? Turn it up. 46. Jackie doesn't say a word about the pot. Instead he keeps his eyes glued to the TV, then reaches for the joint and SMOKES IT. MONIX Jackie, have you ever even slept with your wife? JACKIE MOON (LYING) What? Are you kidding? Try, like, every weekend. She's so hot. MONIX Sounds like a great arrangement. JACKIE MOON You guys need to wake up. Quit living like it's the 1950's, man. Live it up. (showing off) Hey Clarence, let's have some of that smoke, bro. MONIX I'm pretty sure we have a game tomorrow. JACKIE MOON (as he inhales) This stuff won't affect you. It's premium. Jackie finishes inhaling, then holds it out for Monix. He stares at the joint, then around the room at his teammates. MONIX Well, if this is really going to be my life, I might as well be stoned like everyone else. JACKIE MOON Well said. Monix takes the stupid joint. The instant Monix inhales he COUGHS LIKE CRAZY. MONIX What the Hell is this? CLARENCE What do you mean? 47. MONIX It's harsh. CLARENCE Take that back. MONIX Take what back? JACKIE MOON His Mom grows it. CLARENCE Yeah, in the yard. MONIX Your Mom grew this? CLARENCE It's sweet grass. MONIX Well, I'm finished, thanks. CLARENCE What's wrong, my Mom's weed ain't good enough for you? MONIX I guess not. JACKIE MOON C'mon man, have some respect for his Mom's weed. CLARENCE That's it, I ain't sleeping in the same bed as this motherfucker. INT. AMIGO STADIUM - ROAD TRIP GAME 6 - NEXT NIGHT Television cameras are being set up. A camera man cleans the lens. Jackie studies the cameras, mesmerized by the idea of television. He speaks with the Amigo's manager. AMIGO MANAGER You want all the fans to sit on one side of the stadium? 48. JACKIE MOON Yeah, just move all those people over to this side. (DEMONSTRATING) See, the TV cameras are going to face this way, right? Well, if we fill the seats on that side, we'll look sold out. AMIGO MANAGER Actually, that's not a bad idea. MEANWHILE, ON THE COURT: Both teams are warming up. Clarence now has a new name on his Jersey. There are so many words, there is barely space for a number. It's a mess. CLARENCE (re: Jersey, new name) Check it out. I sewed it on the bus. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY (struggling to read it) What's it say? CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. The asshole, PETRELLI, wanders over near the Tropics side of the court. PETRELLI Yo, Granny Yarn Barn, how's the needle point going? CLARENCE Kiss my ass, Petrelli. PETRELLI (re: the Jersey name) Hey man, I think you spelled 'Flint sucks balls' wrong. (BEAT) This guy's the next Betsy Ross! Aren't you Clarence? The guys laugh. MONIX walks up, defending his teammate. MONIX No one calls him Clarence. His name IS-- (BEAT) What's your name? 49. CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. MONIX His name's Jumping Johnny Johnson. (nose to nose) You got that? Jackie hurries over. JACKIE MOON Alright, break it up. (to his team) Everyone huddle up!... VAKIDIS! OVER HERE. Where is he walking to? (BEAT) Fuck it. Listen up, we're on National TV tonight. And you all know what that means: The league needs a good clean game. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, that's a bunch of dog shit. JACKIE MOON Hey! You guys want to merge or not? Because the fastest way to screw this up is to start punching people in the face while the commissioner is at home, watching the game with his kids... Children are very impressionable. Their minds are not yet soiled by the cruel realities of this world. BEE BEE ELLIS What? JACKIE MOON No punching. Behind the huddle, FANS BEGIN WALKING RIGHT ACROSS THE COURT. Both teams turn to watch this strange thing. The Amigos manager leads the herd, Jackie helps out, directing them across to the other side. JACKIE MOON THAT'S RIGHT, JUST MOVE RIGHT ACROSS- IF YOU COULD JUST FILL IN ALL OF THOSE EMPTY SEATS IN THAT AREA, THAT'D BE GREAT. 50. INT. AMIGO'S STADIUM - LATER The optical illusion has worked. The game does indeed look crowded. The game is in full swing. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) This sold out crowd is loving this one, the Amigos up by twenty-six here in the second. Monix drains a nice jumper, but out of nowhere, Petrelli, the guy we hate, throws a hard shoulder, knocking Monix to the floor. MONIX That's a moving pick Father Pat! C'mon! FATHER PAT THE REF Play on. Monix can't believe it. Petrelli taunts Monix. PETRELLI What's wrong Monix, cat got your 'nads? Monix faces off. JACKIE MOON MONIX! NO! (POINTING) Not with the cameras. (miming the commish') He's watching. Monix looks around and thinks... MONIX What about commercials? JACKIE MOON What? MONIX Commercials, what about commercials? Jackie thinks about this, then nods 'good idea.' JACKIE MOON I like it. Time out Ref! 51. ANNOUNCER (V.0. ) A time out on the floor, 5:20 left before the half, the Amigos 45, the Tropics 19, we'll be right back after this message from Shasta. The camera's on air' red light turns off. CAMERA MAN (rooting them on) And... You're clear. JACKIE MOON SOMEBODY HIT SOMEBODY! BAM! MONIX CLOCKS PETRELLI. BAM! JACKIE MOON PUNCHES ANOTHER GUY. PETRELLI TAKES THE HIT AND TACKLES MONIX. BOTH BENCHES CLEAR. THE CROWD GOES NUTS. INT. THE COMMISSIONER'S HOUSE - MEANWHILE The commissioner relaxes at home with his two kids... A Shasta commercial is on TV. SHASTA COMMERCIAL (V.0.) (on TV) I want a pop... I want a -- Shasta... INT. AMIGO STADIUM - CONTINUOUS MAYHEM. JACKIE MOON IS YANKING A FAN'S HAIR. A TALL GUY IS ABOUT TO POUND SHORT LITTLE KONG. BUT NOW KONG JUMPS IN THE AIR AND DOES A SWEET ROUND-HOUSE JUDO KICK, KNOCKING THE TALL GUY TO THE FLOOR. KONG Hi-Ya! MEANWHILE: MONIX AND PETRELLI ARE TRADING HOCKEY PUNCHES... CAMERA MAN And we're back in -5- (Monix punches Petrelli) -4- (Petrelli punches Monix) -3- (Monix punches Petrelli) 52 -2- (Monix ducks and punches) (cuing the announcers) AND WE'RE ON. THE 'RED LIGHT' GLOWS. ON A DIME: EVERYONE STOPS PUNCHING, STANDS UP STRAIGHT AND SMILES. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) Welcome back to the ABA game of the week... Players hold their heads in pain. Others limp back to the bench. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) .The camaraderie and spirit of this league is on full display here tonight... Off camera, Monix delivers a secret punch to Patrelli's spleen. INT. LOCKER ROOM - HALF TIME Jackie runs the half time talk, standing in front of the chalk board. JACKIE MOON Okay, solid first half guys, but we're going to have to make some ADJ-- Monix interrupts Jackie, pissed. He addresses the team, stepping in front of Jackie Moon. MONIX --This is bullshit guys. They're kicking our ass in basketball and they're kicking our ass during the commercials, too. Does anybody here understand the concept of the pick and roll? Because they're going to keep double teaming at the top of the key until somebody rotates the Damn ball... JACKIE MOON Yeah! C'mon guys! Rotate the ball. Monix looks at this group and gets even madder. 53. MONIX Does anyone in this room have any pride? Don't you realize, this is thelast four weeks of basketball anyus are ever going to play?Is thishow we're really going togo out?You'd think we'd want toend ourcareers battling, hustling after every loose ball. Boxing out under the boards. Setting picks for our teammates. But we haven't done shit out there. Twiggy Munson and Scootsie Double-Day hang their heads. MONIX We're a bunch of selfish assholes -- And I've got news for you, we aren't going to finish in fourth, we're going to finish dead last. Monix paces in front of the guys, a man possessed. MONIX One day, you're going to look back on your life... And you're going to look back on this time... And you're going to realize... Monix is staring right at Clarence. And Clarence is actually listening... MONIX .You're going to realize you never even played basketball. A moment of silence after the intensity. Monix waddles to the door. MONIX Now, you guys have fun out there in the second half. If anyone needs me, I'll be in the training room, draining my knee. Monix limps off, everyone's head is hanging low. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY He's right. 54. BEE BEE ELLIS Of course he's right. But what the Hell are we supposed to do about it? We don't even have plays. INT. JACKIE MOON'S OFFICE - DAYS LATER We're back in Flint. Jackie is back in his office, speaking on the phone. JACKIE MOON (into phone) Dukes! | yes | How many times the word 'yes' appears in the text? | 2 |
without looking over... CLARENCE Not everyone sits around dreaming of playing in the NBA, you know. 25. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Maybe not. But you do. TWIGGY MUNSON Yeah, that's all you ever talk about. MONIX You're not jealous, are you Clarence? CLARENCE No one calls me Clarence. BEE BEE ELLIS His name's Downtown. MONIX Okay Downtown. I'll make sure Downtown is only referred to as Downtown, okay Downtown? CLARENCE Don't think I don't know what you're doing. You're doing that thing where you pretend to mean what you say, but you don't. BEE BEE ELLIS Sarcasm. CLARENCE Yeah. How'd you like that sarcasm smacked off your face? MONIX Bring it, funky stuff. BEE BEE ELLIS That's sarcasm, man. He's doing it again! CLARENCE (to Bee Bee) I got this, alright? Monix squares off with a smile that says 'hit me.' Clarence takes off his leather full length and folds it nicely. CLARENCE (in Monix's face) How'd you like a knuckle sandwich? 26. MONIX Knuckle sandwich? Who says that? CLARENCE I do motherfucker. I'm gonna pound you so hard, you're-- MONIX REARS HIS FIST BACK, about to release a strong Popeye HOOK-- CLARENCE WAIT! CLARENCE IMMEDIATELY SWITCHES GEARS, PUTTING HIS HANDS UP LIKE A SCARED LITTLE GIRL. CLARENCE (like a sissy) --WAIT! OKAY? COOL COOL COOL. CHILL OUT, MAN, ALRIGHT? WE'RE COOL-- BAM. MONIX PUNCHES CLARENCE IN THE STOMACH ANYWAY. BEE BEE ELLIS YESSS! I LIKE IT! IT'S OUR OWN TEAM, BUT I LIKE IT. One of the party people, a ball girl, GAYLE, interrupts. GAYLE Excuse me boys. You mind, if I borrow your friend for a minute? INT. DANCE FLOOR - MEANWHILE Jackie is dancing to his own song, still wearing the ice packs on his knees. The song ends and A DIFFERENT ONE STARTS. JACKIE MOON (looking to the DJ) Hold on a second. MELINDA What's wrong? JACKIE MOON Where's the boogie? Jackie fights his way through the crowd to the DJ booth. JACKIE MOON (to DJ, over music) HEY! WHERE'S THE BOOGIE? 27. DJ I ALREADY PLAYED YOUR SONG FOUR TIMES. JACKIE MOON GET UP. DJ NO. YOU CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS, JACKIE. I'M THE DJ. JACKIE MOON (taking over as DJ) NOT ANY MORE. YOU'RE ON SNACK PATROL. SCREECH -- The music stops. JACKIE MOON (into the mic) The year was 1973. A young musician named Jackie Moon, finishes years of musical training, only to find he is a slave to the notes on the page. He knows it's time to break free. In a sudden fit of creative mastery, he grabs a pen and a napkin and writes a song that breaks all the rules. Ladies and gentleman... Let's get sweaty. MUSIC CUE: Jackie's song. Everyone goes crazy. JACKIE MOON (V.0.) (studio version) Baby, who wants to; love me sexy. baby, are you ready to; lick me sexy. Take off your shoes and; suck me sexy. Baby, we're naked and we're; humping sexy-- INT. DAIQUIRI ROOM - NIGHT Gayle and Monix walk upstairs into the 'coolest' room ever. Carpet on the ceiling, a plaid couch, a fish tank, a water bed, mirrors, etc. GAYLE I'm glad they traded for you, I got myself a cute one. MONIX So, this is the Daiquiri room? 28. LUCY MOON (O.S. ) That's right. REVEAL: LUCY MOON, Jackie's wife, is on the couch. She's the hottest girl in the world. LUCY MOON What do you think, Gayle? Does he like it with my boots on, or does he like my boots off? GAYLE He seems like a boots on kind of guy. LUCY MOON Then it looks like I'm ready. As soon as you slide these shorts off of me. MONIX Aren't you Jackie's wife? LUCY MOON He knows about the Daiquiri room. GAYLE It's a new tradition we're starting, when new players join. MONIX I see. Well, I'm going to have to pass. I'm good, thanks. LUCY MOON Honey, you don't know what good is. With that, Lucy flicks on the stereo-- MUSIC CUE: THE BAR KEYS 'TOO HOT TO STOP.' MONIX Listen um... (i.e. what's your name?) GAYLE My name is 'no strings attached.' LUCY MOON You can call me Mrs. Moon. Gayle and Lucy perform a funky/seductive dance, moving closer and closer to Monix. 29. MONIX I don't think this is going to happen, Mrs. Moon. LUCY MOON It has to. GAYLE It's bad luck if you don't. MONIX Yeah, I'd hate to bring bad luck to Flint Michigan. Lucy has sprayed some WHIP CREAM on her nipples. LUCY MOON (whip cream) Why don't you lick these clean for me? MONIX I can't eat dairy. Lucy decides that now is a good time to aggressively KISS him. Monix pushes her away. MONIX Nice tits, Mrs. Moon. I gotta go. Monix walks down the stairs. LUCY MOON (calling after him) I see what this is: You want us to send Eric and Marcus up here? On the way out, Monix flicks her off. INT. LYNN'S HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT Lynn is asleep next to Kyle. She awakes to someone pounding on the door. EXT. LYNN'S FRONT YARD - NIGHT Lynn has arrived at the screen door. Monix, wasted, doesn't notice Lynn yet, he keeps pounding until she opens it. LYNN Why are you here? 30. MONIX I got traded. LYNN I mean, why are you here? MONIX Can we talk? KYLE (O.S.) --Yo, Monix, you're wasted! Ha! Kyle has come out to say hi. MONIX Yeah. Sorry man-- KYLE What's up! That of jump shot of yours ain't broke yet, is it? MONIX No. Ha. KYLE Great back door cut for the lay-up in the third. That's how basketball should be played. MONIX Kyle, can you give us a second? We need to talk. KYLE No problem. Great game tonight man. MONIX Why does your boyfriend like me so much? LYNN You're his favorite player. MONIX Look, there are still some things I think we need to talk about. LYNN I've already said everything I'm ever going to say to you. 31. MONIX I see. (BEAT) Well, I guess I'll be leaving then. Monix walks away... Then turns back. MONIX You're really not going to stop me? LYNN No. Monix walks more, until Lynn speaks. LYNN You're going to end up walking with a cane the rest of your life. You have to quit. MONIX And do what? LYNN I don't know... Kill yourself, I guess. MONIX Kill myself? LYNN You act like there's nothing else in the world besides basketball. If that's how you really feel, then go ahead and get it over with. I'm going to sleep. MONIX Thanks for the pep. talk. LYNN No problem. MONIX Lynn. (she opens the door again) Can I ask you for one favor? LYNN You want a favor? MONIX My knee. 32. LYNN Oh, Jesus Christ Monix. It's 4 a.m. Lynn stares at him in disbelief. Monix shrugs. MONIX No one here can drain it right. LYNN Fine. Monix nods, then makes a move toward the door. LYNN No. You're not coming in. We'll do it in the yard. DISSOLVE TO: INT. JACKIE'S MONTE CARLO - DAYS LATER Jackie drives in his car, practicing for the meeting. tries to build some confidence. JACKIE MOON (into the rear view, very CIVILIZED) Well, hello Commissioner -- Why sure, I would love one of your Puerto Rican cigars -- Oh, I know I'm a legitimate owner, you don't have to tell me that -- We're merging with the NBA? Oh, that's nice -- Ha Ha Ha! Good one, Commish ... EXT. INDIANAPOLIS - CONTINUOUS A brick building on the outskirts of Indianapolis. A sign says. WELCOME ABA OWNERS. Jackie pulls into the lot and parks. He looks in the mirror one last time. JACKIE MOON Your Mom would be proud of you today. INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - CONTINUOUS Not-quite-Rich guys surround a large oak table. JACKIE is by far the youngest of the owners. 33. COMMISH .I'm sure each of you have heard the rumors. And I'm here to tell you, the rumors are true. The ABA will be merging with the NBA at the end of this season. JACKIE MOON YES!!! (to an old guy) GIVE ME TEN, NORTON! YES!! (fists to the ceiling) EVERYONE CAN EAT SHIT! I AM THE GREATEST MAN IN THE WORLD! COMMISH Our league is sold. And the NBA agreed to all of our financial demands! Now Jackie turns inward, more quietly intense. This is, without question, the greatest moment of his life. JACKIE MOON (to himself) You're a real owner. You're in the NBA. COMMISH Four of our teams will be absorbed into the NBA family, the rest of you will terminate operations. JACKIE MOON Exactly! You know it! (now hearing) I'm sorry, wait, what? COMMISH The Nuggets, The Nets, The Spurs and the Pacers will play in the NBA next year. The rest of us will dissolve. JACKIE MOON Dissolve? Dissolve, like, how? How do I dissolve into the NBA? The winning owners look at each other, not sure how to handle Jackie. JACKIE MOON What's happening? 34. COMMISH I'm sorry Jackie. We all know how. emotional you get. We waited until the very last second to tell you. Jackie pounds the table. JACKIE MOON No. NO! NO!!! He kicks over his chair... THE COMMISH We know you're upset, Jackie. But you'll be very well compensated. LOSING OWNER #1 Everyone's agreed to a very large sum. JACKIE MOON I don't want a sum! I want my team! (to the losing owners) C'mon you guys, you're not going to just sit here and take the money, are you? They are. JACKIE MOON (to winning owners) What do the Spurs have that we don't? THE COMMISH A huge fan base. A brand new stadium. A solid economic growth package, including strong tax incentives. JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon, that's BULLSHIT! COMMISH The NBA is taking four teams, Jackie, there's nothing I can do. Jackie goes quiet, thinking... An epic idea hits him. JACKIE MOON The best four teams should go. 35. COMMISH What? JACKIE MOON Forget the huge fan base, the stadiums, the economic... (a little lost) Growing... package... inventions... WINNING OWNER #1 (correcting him) Economic growth pack-- JACKIE MOON I KNOW WHAT I SAID! (to the room) The four teams with the best records should merge. LOSING OWNER #2 He's right. LOSING OWNER #1 Yeah, that's the fairest way. COMMISH These four teams DO have the best records. Flint's only won six games all year! JACKIE MOON So far. The season isn't over. LOSING OWNER #2 Yeah, maybe we should finish the season first. COMMISH This plan sounds like a lot of fun, but it's too late. The commissioner, me, has already decided. LOSING OWNER #2 Actually, the terms of a merger can only be approved by a league mandate. JACKIE MOON YES. That's right. What he said. 36. LOSING OWNER #1 I move that we vote on the terms of the merger. EXT. FLINT MICHIGAN FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - NEXT DAY The team sits around the parking lot, sitting on their duffle bags, dejected. Jackie is having a team meeting. JACKIE MOON C'mon you guys, let's try to stay psyched. This is a chance to become a real NBA franchise! CLARENCE There's no way we can make it to fourth place. It's mathematically impossible. JACKIE MOON I ran the numbers. All we have to do is win about eighty-two percent of our remaining games. CLARENCE Eighty-two percent? Isn't that a lot? JACKIE MOON Oh, c'mon! We just gotta start hitting our threes. (guys look around, unsure) Listen, I know this seems like bad news, but it doesn't have to be. This is a big road trip for us. We've just got to start playing solid Flint basketball. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY I don't know. We suck, man. JACKIE SLAPS SCOOTSIE. JACKIE MOON (re: The slap) Sorry. JACKIE SLAPS HIM AGAIN, HARDER. JACKIE MOON We do not suck, okay? We just have to want it! 37. Pumped, Jackie walks around with his hands on his hips. BEE BEE ELLIS What do you think, Monix? All eyes turn on the grumpy one. MONIX I think we suck. JACKIE MOON Well... See, now there's some team unity! Now let's load up the jet. REVEAL: A SHITTY SCHOOL BUS has the words 'THE JET!' Spray- painted in graffiti letters with a palm tree next to it. JACKIE MOON (as they load up) Now we've got a special treat. You know I take care of my family. Today, the Jet is catered. I had Downtown's Mom pack us some hot dish. BEE BEE ELLIS Ms. Quincy's hot dish? Sweet! INT. BUS - CONTINUOUS The guys load up. It's so packed it's ridiculous. Everyone tries to stuff their gear somewhere and sit down. Jackie carries a big pot of hot dish, accidentally burning Scootsie's back. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Ah, watch the hot dish, man. JACKIE MOON Sorry Scootsie. TWIGGY MUNSON Hey Jackie, there's some dude out there, wants to talk to you. POV: Out the window, we can see DUKES, the full court shot winner, holding his GIANT CHECK and looking into the bus. He's still shirtless, with a star-spangled headband. EXT. FLINT FAIRGROUNDS COLISEUM - MOMENTS LATER Jackie and Dukes are next to the bus, discussing the check. 38. DUKES I tried Jackie. They won't take it. They said it's 'symbolic.' JACKIE MOON What does symbolic mean? DUKES I don't know. But they said I need a real check. JACKIE MOON I don't know what your bank is talking about. That is a real check. I signed it myself. DUKES It's written in glitter, dude. Can't you just give me, like, a regular sized one? JACKIE MOON I don't get it. People are usually able to cash these. Maybe you should try another bank. (trying to wrap it up) If you run into any more trouble, let me know. DUKES Okay Jackie, thanks man. JACKIE MOON Any time, congratulations. Jackie turns away from Dukes and exhales, walking back to the bus. MUSIC CUE: 'SHORT PEOPLE' BY RANDY NEWMAN. EXT. THE HIGHWAY - DAY We're flying down the highway. INT. THE JET - DAY Kong, the small Asian player, is driving, singing along with Jackie to the radio... JACKIE MOON & KONG (singing Randy Newman) SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... 39. SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON... SHORT PEOPLE GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE Jackie reaches up into a special bin and takes out some beef jerky, then yells out the window. JACKIE (out the window at a car) YOU IN-THE-GREEN-CAR GOT, NO REASON TO LIVE... Pan back to see the whole team crammed into tiny seats. Vakidis has his knees pointing straight toward the ceiling. Twiggy Munson is reading '70's pornography. Clarence is sewing a new name onto his jersey. The rest of the guys are eating their hot dish. MONIX So, Clarence, what's in this 'hot dish' anyway? CLARENCE My Mom cooked your ass a whole Damn meal, why you gotta go asking what's in it? MONIX It's a compliment. It's good. CLARENCE If it's good, then it's good. Why do you gotta know what's in it? What's in hot dish? Hot dish is in hot dish, asshole. BEE BEE and SCOOTSIE look over the seat, facing them. BEE BEE ELLIS Hey Monix, what were the Celtics like? MONIX They were fast. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Fast? No one's faster than me. I should be on the Celtics. MONIX (pointing to his mind) Fast up here. 40. BEE BEE ELLIS You're supposed to be Mr. Smartball. Why'd you get bounced? MONIX Well, you have to be able to jump too. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Hey, let us see that ring again. MONIX Not right now, okay Twiggy? CLARENCE Isn't it a little embarrassing wearing that thing everyday? MONIX Embarrassing? CLARENCE You call yourself a Celtic? You sat through every single playoff game. You didn't see action once. And now you walk around wearing the ice like you're Bill Russel. Well you ain't. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, you're just jealous. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY Yeah, Monix played solid minutes, for lots of teams. He's played in the NBA, that's more than you can say. CLARENCE Whatever. At least I never sat on the bench and then called myself a champion. You didn't do shit for that Celtic team. If I was Dave Cowens, I'd yank that ring right off your neck. That was a pretty heated exchange. Monix looks like he's got something to say, but he doesn't. Clarence has the last word. CLARENCE He doesn't wear it on his finger because he knows he didn't earn it. He didn't even play. 41. Monix looks out the window. EXT. ROAD GAME #1 - NIGHT 'The Jet' is parked outside the arena. LIVE ABA RADIO (V.0.) We're just a few minutes away from game one of the Tropic's 6 game road trip. With talk of an NBA merger hitting the league, there's a new electricity surrounding tonight's game... INT. VISITOR'S LOCKER ROOM - NIGHT Jackie addresses his team before tip off. JACKIE MOON Alright. Now, a lot of people out there are writing us off. A lot people are saying things like 'Jackie Moon is an offensive liability.' They're saying 'Flint's turnovers led to sixty fast break points per game.' (Making this up) They're saying 'Bee Bee's retarded brother is so retarded that his eyes look too big,. Like a French Bulldog. BEE BEE ELLIS No one said that, man. JACKIE MOON (trying to motivate) Yes they did. And we're going to use it as motivation, okay? THIS IS OUR TIME! WE'RE GOING TO SHOOT MORE THAN WE'VE EVER SHOT BEFORE! NOW BRING IT IN! READY? ONE TWO THREE- EVERYONE LET'S GET TROPICAL! MONTAGE: FLINT PLAYS HARDER BUT THEY STILL SUCK. GAME 1) JACKIE MOON sprints across the floor tries to get two f eet planted in the lane. It's not even close, JACKIE HAS TAKEN A GUY DOWN HARD. The ref whistles a blocking foul. 42. JACKIE MOON OH, C'MON!? Where's the charge, Father Pat? FATHER PAT THE REF Both feet weren't planted. JACKIE MOON OH, SUCK MY COCK. I WILL MURDER YOUR FAMILY. FATHER PAT THE REF That's it, you're out. JACKIE MOON What!? What did I say? Jackie takes a ball and drop kicks it, PUNTING IT high up into the rafters. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: COLONELS 111 TROPICS 92. GAME 2) MONIX drives the lane, fast and smart -- A no-look pass hits Scootsie Double-Day in the shoulder. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY AH. MY COLLAR BONE! BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: SQUIRES 90 TROPICS 70. GAME 3) CLARENCE and BEE BEE jog back on Defense. CLARENCE I ain't guarding my guy anymore. BEE BEE ELLIS Why not? CLARENCE He's too'Damn sweaty, man. (re: his wet uniform) Look at me. BEE BEE ELLIS Gross. Well, I ain't guarding him. Monix notices this discussion. MONIX Quit talking and play defense! The sweaty guy backs in on Clarence, posting up top. 44. GAME 5) Jackie Moon plays great defense, rejecting a shot! Monix grabs the ball and dribbles on a fast break. Clarence trails, in perfect position... CLARENCE Right on! I'm open baby! Try a behind-the-back! Monix delivers a nice two handed bounce pass, but Clarence isn't ready for anything fundamentally sound -- The ball hits him in the nuts. CLARENCE Ah, shit. BUZZER! FINAL SCORE: PIPERS 105 TROPICS 91. EXT. HOTEL STRIP - NIGHT Angle on a big hotel with fancy lights -- but then we pan to reveal: A shitty motel. The 'Jet' is parked at the cheap place. INT. MOTEL ROOM - NIGHT Two twin beds in a crap-box motel room. Monix has the phone to his ear, but it just keeps ringing. He'd leave a message for Lynn, but answering machines haven't been invented yet. He hangs up, looks in the mirror, and now takes his Championship ring necklace off. He looks at the ring in his hand... And shoves it into his duffle bag. CLARENCE (O.S.) I brought us some ice. Monix is startled. Clarence, his roommate for the night, enters. MONIX Ice? What for? CLARENCE I don't know, it's free. Clarence takes some ice, pops it in his mouth and starts crunching. CLARENCE Want some? 45. MONIX No thanks. Now BEE BEE enters, yet another player in the small room. BEE BEE ELLIS That Root Beer machine took my fucking change, man. White people are assholes. Monix ignores this. Laying back, he focuses on the TV: THE CELTICS are playing. Their trapping defense is a thing of beauty. Clarence walks over and flicks the channels, until he stops at 'Love American Style.' MONIX You turned off the Celtics? CLARENCE I don't watch people play basketball. They watch me. With that, Clarence pulls out a JOINT and lights it. MONIX (re: the marijuana) What the Hell is that? CLARENCE (as he inhales) It's a fucking Egg-McMuffin. Monix opens the window, clearing the pot smoke out of his face. JACKIE EXITS the bathroom, having just taken a shower. He's wearing a very small robe. This is now the fourth player who's sleeping in this tiny room. MONIX Why don't you shower in your room? JACKIE MOON My wife is using it. I'll be crashing with you guys tonight. (NOTICING) Ice? Awesome. (as he eats ice, re: TV) Love American Style? Turn it up. 46. Jackie doesn't say a word about the pot. Instead he keeps his eyes glued to the TV, then reaches for the joint and SMOKES IT. MONIX Jackie, have you ever even slept with your wife? JACKIE MOON (LYING) What? Are you kidding? Try, like, every weekend. She's so hot. MONIX Sounds like a great arrangement. JACKIE MOON You guys need to wake up. Quit living like it's the 1950's, man. Live it up. (showing off) Hey Clarence, let's have some of that smoke, bro. MONIX I'm pretty sure we have a game tomorrow. JACKIE MOON (as he inhales) This stuff won't affect you. It's premium. Jackie finishes inhaling, then holds it out for Monix. He stares at the joint, then around the room at his teammates. MONIX Well, if this is really going to be my life, I might as well be stoned like everyone else. JACKIE MOON Well said. Monix takes the stupid joint. The instant Monix inhales he COUGHS LIKE CRAZY. MONIX What the Hell is this? CLARENCE What do you mean? 47. MONIX It's harsh. CLARENCE Take that back. MONIX Take what back? JACKIE MOON His Mom grows it. CLARENCE Yeah, in the yard. MONIX Your Mom grew this? CLARENCE It's sweet grass. MONIX Well, I'm finished, thanks. CLARENCE What's wrong, my Mom's weed ain't good enough for you? MONIX I guess not. JACKIE MOON C'mon man, have some respect for his Mom's weed. CLARENCE That's it, I ain't sleeping in the same bed as this motherfucker. INT. AMIGO STADIUM - ROAD TRIP GAME 6 - NEXT NIGHT Television cameras are being set up. A camera man cleans the lens. Jackie studies the cameras, mesmerized by the idea of television. He speaks with the Amigo's manager. AMIGO MANAGER You want all the fans to sit on one side of the stadium? 48. JACKIE MOON Yeah, just move all those people over to this side. (DEMONSTRATING) See, the TV cameras are going to face this way, right? Well, if we fill the seats on that side, we'll look sold out. AMIGO MANAGER Actually, that's not a bad idea. MEANWHILE, ON THE COURT: Both teams are warming up. Clarence now has a new name on his Jersey. There are so many words, there is barely space for a number. It's a mess. CLARENCE (re: Jersey, new name) Check it out. I sewed it on the bus. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY (struggling to read it) What's it say? CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. The asshole, PETRELLI, wanders over near the Tropics side of the court. PETRELLI Yo, Granny Yarn Barn, how's the needle point going? CLARENCE Kiss my ass, Petrelli. PETRELLI (re: the Jersey name) Hey man, I think you spelled 'Flint sucks balls' wrong. (BEAT) This guy's the next Betsy Ross! Aren't you Clarence? The guys laugh. MONIX walks up, defending his teammate. MONIX No one calls him Clarence. His name IS-- (BEAT) What's your name? 49. CLARENCE Jumping Johnny Johnson. MONIX His name's Jumping Johnny Johnson. (nose to nose) You got that? Jackie hurries over. JACKIE MOON Alright, break it up. (to his team) Everyone huddle up!... VAKIDIS! OVER HERE. Where is he walking to? (BEAT) Fuck it. Listen up, we're on National TV tonight. And you all know what that means: The league needs a good clean game. BEE BEE ELLIS Oh, that's a bunch of dog shit. JACKIE MOON Hey! You guys want to merge or not? Because the fastest way to screw this up is to start punching people in the face while the commissioner is at home, watching the game with his kids... Children are very impressionable. Their minds are not yet soiled by the cruel realities of this world. BEE BEE ELLIS What? JACKIE MOON No punching. Behind the huddle, FANS BEGIN WALKING RIGHT ACROSS THE COURT. Both teams turn to watch this strange thing. The Amigos manager leads the herd, Jackie helps out, directing them across to the other side. JACKIE MOON THAT'S RIGHT, JUST MOVE RIGHT ACROSS- IF YOU COULD JUST FILL IN ALL OF THOSE EMPTY SEATS IN THAT AREA, THAT'D BE GREAT. 50. INT. AMIGO'S STADIUM - LATER The optical illusion has worked. The game does indeed look crowded. The game is in full swing. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) This sold out crowd is loving this one, the Amigos up by twenty-six here in the second. Monix drains a nice jumper, but out of nowhere, Petrelli, the guy we hate, throws a hard shoulder, knocking Monix to the floor. MONIX That's a moving pick Father Pat! C'mon! FATHER PAT THE REF Play on. Monix can't believe it. Petrelli taunts Monix. PETRELLI What's wrong Monix, cat got your 'nads? Monix faces off. JACKIE MOON MONIX! NO! (POINTING) Not with the cameras. (miming the commish') He's watching. Monix looks around and thinks... MONIX What about commercials? JACKIE MOON What? MONIX Commercials, what about commercials? Jackie thinks about this, then nods 'good idea.' JACKIE MOON I like it. Time out Ref! 51. ANNOUNCER (V.0. ) A time out on the floor, 5:20 left before the half, the Amigos 45, the Tropics 19, we'll be right back after this message from Shasta. The camera's on air' red light turns off. CAMERA MAN (rooting them on) And... You're clear. JACKIE MOON SOMEBODY HIT SOMEBODY! BAM! MONIX CLOCKS PETRELLI. BAM! JACKIE MOON PUNCHES ANOTHER GUY. PETRELLI TAKES THE HIT AND TACKLES MONIX. BOTH BENCHES CLEAR. THE CROWD GOES NUTS. INT. THE COMMISSIONER'S HOUSE - MEANWHILE The commissioner relaxes at home with his two kids... A Shasta commercial is on TV. SHASTA COMMERCIAL (V.0.) (on TV) I want a pop... I want a -- Shasta... INT. AMIGO STADIUM - CONTINUOUS MAYHEM. JACKIE MOON IS YANKING A FAN'S HAIR. A TALL GUY IS ABOUT TO POUND SHORT LITTLE KONG. BUT NOW KONG JUMPS IN THE AIR AND DOES A SWEET ROUND-HOUSE JUDO KICK, KNOCKING THE TALL GUY TO THE FLOOR. KONG Hi-Ya! MEANWHILE: MONIX AND PETRELLI ARE TRADING HOCKEY PUNCHES... CAMERA MAN And we're back in -5- (Monix punches Petrelli) -4- (Petrelli punches Monix) -3- (Monix punches Petrelli) 52 -2- (Monix ducks and punches) (cuing the announcers) AND WE'RE ON. THE 'RED LIGHT' GLOWS. ON A DIME: EVERYONE STOPS PUNCHING, STANDS UP STRAIGHT AND SMILES. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) Welcome back to the ABA game of the week... Players hold their heads in pain. Others limp back to the bench. ANNOUNCER (V.0.) .The camaraderie and spirit of this league is on full display here tonight... Off camera, Monix delivers a secret punch to Patrelli's spleen. INT. LOCKER ROOM - HALF TIME Jackie runs the half time talk, standing in front of the chalk board. JACKIE MOON Okay, solid first half guys, but we're going to have to make some ADJ-- Monix interrupts Jackie, pissed. He addresses the team, stepping in front of Jackie Moon. MONIX --This is bullshit guys. They're kicking our ass in basketball and they're kicking our ass during the commercials, too. Does anybody here understand the concept of the pick and roll? Because they're going to keep double teaming at the top of the key until somebody rotates the Damn ball... JACKIE MOON Yeah! C'mon guys! Rotate the ball. Monix looks at this group and gets even madder. 53. MONIX Does anyone in this room have any pride? Don't you realize, this is thelast four weeks of basketball anyus are ever going to play?Is thishow we're really going togo out?You'd think we'd want toend ourcareers battling, hustling after every loose ball. Boxing out under the boards. Setting picks for our teammates. But we haven't done shit out there. Twiggy Munson and Scootsie Double-Day hang their heads. MONIX We're a bunch of selfish assholes -- And I've got news for you, we aren't going to finish in fourth, we're going to finish dead last. Monix paces in front of the guys, a man possessed. MONIX One day, you're going to look back on your life... And you're going to look back on this time... And you're going to realize... Monix is staring right at Clarence. And Clarence is actually listening... MONIX .You're going to realize you never even played basketball. A moment of silence after the intensity. Monix waddles to the door. MONIX Now, you guys have fun out there in the second half. If anyone needs me, I'll be in the training room, draining my knee. Monix limps off, everyone's head is hanging low. SCOOTSIE DOUBLE-DAY He's right. 54. BEE BEE ELLIS Of course he's right. But what the Hell are we supposed to do about it? We don't even have plays. INT. JACKIE MOON'S OFFICE - DAYS LATER We're back in Flint. Jackie is back in his office, speaking on the phone. JACKIE MOON (into phone) Dukes! | signed | How many times the word 'signed' appears in the text? | 1 |
woman and said, 'You'll take me home with you, won't you? And let me play with your little girls till the others have done with the Queen.' 'Surely I will, little heart!' said the woman. And then Anthea hurriedly stroked the Psammead and embraced Jane, who took the woman's hand, and trotted contentedly away with the Psammead's bag under the other arm. The others stood looking after her till she, the woman, and the basket were lost in the many-coloured crowd. Then Anthea turned once more to the palace's magnificent doorway and said-- 'Let's ask the porter to take care of our Babylonian overcoats.' So they took off the garments that the woman had lent them and stood amid the jostling petitioners of the Queen in their own English frocks and coats and hats and boots. 'We want to see the Queen,' said Cyril; 'we come from the far Empire where the sun never sets!' A murmur of surprise and a thrill of excitement ran through the crowd. The door-porter spoke to a black man, he spoke to someone else. There was a whispering, waiting pause. Then a big man, with a cleanly-shaven face, beckoned them from the top of a flight of red marble steps. They went up; the boots of Robert clattering more than usual because he was so nervous. A door swung open, a curtain was drawn back. A double line of bowing forms in gorgeous raiment formed a lane that led to the steps of the throne, and as the children advanced hurriedly there came from the throne a voice very sweet and kind. 'Three children from the land where the sun never sets! Let them draw hither without fear.' In another minute they were kneeling at the throne's foot, saying, 'O Queen, live for ever!' exactly as the woman had taught them. And a splendid dream-lady, all gold and silver and jewels and snowy drift of veils, was raising Anthea, and saying-- 'Don't be frightened, I really am SO glad you came! The land where the sun never sets! I am delighted to see you! I was getting quite too dreadfully bored for anything!' And behind Anthea the kneeling Cyril whispered in the ears of the respectful Robert-- 'Bobs, don't say anything to Panther. It's no use upsetting her, but we didn't ask for Jane's address, and the Psammead's with her.' 'Well,' whispered Robert, 'the charm can bring them to us at any moment. IT said so.' 'Oh, yes,' whispered Cyril, in miserable derision, 'WE'RE all right, of course. So we are! Oh, yes! If we'd only GOT the charm.' Then Robert saw, and he murmured, 'Crikey!' at the foot of the throne of Babylon; while Cyril hoarsely whispered the plain English fact-- 'Jane's got the charm round her neck, you silly cuckoo.' 'Crikey!' Robert repeated in heart-broken undertones. CHAPTER 7. 'THE DEEPEST DUNGEON BELOW THE CASTLE MOAT' The Queen threw three of the red and gold embroidered cushions off the throne on to the marble steps that led up to it. 'Just make yourselves comfortable there,' she said. 'I'm simply dying to talk to you, and to hear all about your wonderful country and how you got here, and everything, but I have to do justice every morning. Such a bore, isn't it? Do you do justice in your own country?' 'No, said Cyril; 'at least of course we try to, but not in this public sort of way, only in private.' 'Ah, yes,' said the Queen, 'I should much prefer a private audience myself--much easier to manage. But public opinion has to be considered. Doing justice is very hard work, even when you're brought up to it.' 'We don't do justice, but we have to do scales, Jane and me,' said Anthea, 'twenty minutes a day. It's simply horrid.' 'What are scales?' asked the Queen, 'and what is Jane?' 'Jane is my little sister. One of the guards-at-the-gate's wife is taking care of her. And scales are music.' 'I never heard of the instrument,' said the Queen. 'Do you sing?' 'Oh, yes. We can sing in parts,' said Anthea. 'That IS magic,' said the Queen. 'How many parts are you each cut into before you do it?' 'We aren't cut at all,' said Robert hastily. 'We couldn't sing if we were. We'll show you afterwards.' 'So you shall, and now sit quiet like dear children and hear me do justice. The way I do it has always been admired. I oughtn't to say that ought I? Sounds so conceited. But I don't mind with you, dears. Somehow I feel as though I'd known you quite a long time already.' The Queen settled herself on her throne and made a signal to her attendants. The children, whispering together among the cushions on the steps of the throne, decided that she was very beautiful and very kind, but perhaps just the least bit flighty. The first person who came to ask for justice was a woman whose brother had taken the money the father had left for her. The brother said it was the uncle who had the money. There was a good deal of talk and the children were growing rather bored, when the Queen suddenly clapped her hands, and said-- 'Put both the men in prison till one of them owns up that the other is innocent.' 'But suppose they both did it?' Cyril could not help interrupting. 'Then prison's the best place for them,' said the Queen. 'But suppose neither did it.' 'That's impossible,' said the Queen; 'a thing's not done unless someone does it. And you mustn't interrupt.' Then came a woman, in tears, with a torn veil and real ashes on her head--at least Anthea thought so, but it may have been only road-dust. She complained that her husband was in prison. 'What for?' said the Queen. 'They SAID it was for speaking evil of your Majesty,' said the woman, 'but it wasn't. Someone had a spite against him. That was what it was.' 'How do you know he hadn't spoken evil of me?' said the Queen. 'No one could,' said the woman simply, 'when they'd once seen your beautiful face.' 'Let the man out,' said the Queen, smiling. 'Next case.' The next case was that of a boy who had stolen a fox. 'Like the Spartan boy,' whispered Robert. But the Queen ruled that nobody could have any possible reason for owning a fox, and still less for stealing one. And she did not believe that there were any foxes in Babylon; she, at any rate, had never seen one. So the boy was released. The people came to the Queen about all sorts of family quarrels and neighbourly misunderstandings--from a fight between brothers over the division of an inheritance, to the dishonest and unfriendly conduct of a woman who had borrowed a cooking-pot at the last New Year's festival, and not returned it yet. And the Queen decided everything, very, very decidedly indeed. At last she clapped her hands quite suddenly and with extreme loudness, and said-- 'The audience is over for today.' Everyone said, 'May the Queen live for ever!' and went out. And the children were left alone in the justice-hall with the Queen of Babylon and her ladies. 'There!' said the Queen, with a long sigh of relief. 'THAT'S over! I couldn't have done another stitch of justice if you'd offered me the crown of Egypt! Now come into the garden, and we'll have a nice, long, cosy talk.' She led them through long, narrow corridors whose walls they somehow felt, were very, very thick, into a sort of garden courtyard. There were thick shrubs closely planted, and roses were trained over trellises, and made a pleasant shade--needed, indeed, for already the sun was as hot as it is in England in August at the seaside. Slaves spread cushions on a low, marble terrace, and a big man with a smooth face served cool drink in cups of gold studded with beryls. He drank a little from the Queen's cup before handing it to her. 'That's rather a nasty trick,' whispered Robert, who had been carefully taught never to drink out of one of the nice, shiny, metal cups that are chained to the London drinking fountains without first rinsing it out thoroughly. The Queen overheard him. 'Not at all,' said she. 'Ritti-Marduk is a very clean man. And one has to have SOME ONE as taster, you know, because of poison.' The word made the children feel rather creepy; but Ritti-Marduk had tasted all the cups, so they felt pretty safe. The drink was delicious--very cold, and tasting like lemonade and partly like penny ices. 'Leave us,' said the Queen. And all the Court ladies, in their beautiful, many-folded, many-coloured, fringed dresses, filed out slowly, and the children were left alone with the Queen. 'Now,' she said, 'tell me all about yourselves.' They looked at each other. 'You, Bobs,' said Cyril. 'No--Anthea,' said Robert. 'No--you--Cyril,' said Anthea. 'Don't you remember how pleased the Queen of India was when you told her all about us?' Cyril muttered that it was all very well, and so it was. For when he had told the tale of the Phoenix and the Carpet to the Ranee, it had been only the truth--and all the truth that he had to tell. But now it was not easy to tell a convincing story without mentioning the Amulet--which, of course, it wouldn't have done to mention--and without owning that they were really living in London, about 2,500 years later than the time they were talking in. Cyril took refuge in the tale of the Psammead and its wonderful power of making wishes come true. The children had never been able to tell anyone before, and Cyril was surprised to find that the spell which kept them silent in London did not work here. 'Something to do with our being in the Past, I suppose,' he said to himself. 'This is MOST interesting,' said the Queen. 'We must have this Psammead for the banquet tonight. Its performance will be one of the most popular turns in the whole programme. Where is it?' Anthea explained that they did not know; also why it was that they did not know. 'Oh, THAT'S quite simple,' said the Queen, and everyone breathed a deep sigh of relief as she said it. 'Ritti-Marduk shall run down to the gates and find out which guard your sister went home with.' 'Might he'--Anthea's voice was tremulous--'might he--would it interfere with his meal-times, or anything like that, if he went NOW?' 'Of course he shall go now. He may think himself lucky if he gets his meals at any time,' said the Queen heartily, and clapped her hands. 'May I send a letter?' asked Cyril, pulling out a red-backed penny account-book, and feeling in his pockets for a stump of pencil that he knew was in one of them. 'By all means. I'll call my scribe.' 'Oh, I can scribe right enough, thanks,' said Cyril, finding the pencil and licking its point. He even had to bite the wood a little, for it was very blunt. 'Oh, you clever, clever boy!' said the Queen. 'DO let me watch you do it!' Cyril wrote on a leaf of the book--it was of rough, woolly paper, with hairs that stuck out and would have got in his pen if he had been using one, and ruled for accounts. 'Hide IT most carefully before you come here,' he wrote, 'and don't mention it--and destroy this letter. Everything is going A1. The Queen is a fair treat. There's nothing to be afraid of.' 'What curious characters, and what a strange flat surface!' said the Queen. 'What have you inscribed?' 'I've 'scribed,' replied Cyril cautiously, 'that you are fair, and a--and like a--like a festival; and that she need not be afraid, and that she is to come at once.' Ritti-Marduk, who had come in and had stood waiting while Cyril wrote, his Babylonish eyes nearly starting out of his Babylonish head, now took the letter, with some reluctance. 'O Queen, live for ever! Is it a charm?' he timidly asked. 'A strong charm, most great lady?' 'YES,' said Robert, unexpectedly, 'it IS a charm, but it won't hurt anyone until you've given it to Jane. And then she'll destroy it, so that it CAN'T hurt anyone. It's most awful strong!--as strong as--Peppermint!' he ended abruptly. 'I know not the god,' said Ritti-Marduk, bending timorously. 'She'll tear it up directly she gets it,' said Robert, 'That'll end the charm. You needn't be afraid if you go now.' Ritti-Marduk went, seeming only partly satisfied; and then the Queen began to admire the penny account-book and the bit of pencil in so marked and significant a way that Cyril felt he could not do less than press them upon her as a gift. She ruffled the leaves delightedly. 'What a wonderful substance!' she said. 'And with this style you make charms? Make a charm for me! Do you know,' her voice sank to a whisper, 'the names of the great ones of your own far country?' 'Rather!' said Cyril, and hastily wrote the names of Alfred the Great, Shakespeare, Nelson, Gordon, Lord Beaconsfield, Mr Rudyard Kipling, and Mr Sherlock Holmes, while the Queen watched him with 'unbaited breath', as Anthea said afterwards. She took the book and hid it reverently among the bright folds of her gown. 'You shall teach me later to say the great names,' she said. 'And the names of their Ministers--perhaps the great Nisroch is one of them?' 'I don't think so,' said Cyril. 'Mr Campbell Bannerman's Prime Minister and Mr Burns a Minister, and so is the Archbishop of Canterbury, I think, but I'm not sure--and Dr Parker was one, I know, and--' 'No more,' said the Queen, putting her hands to her ears. 'My head's going round with all those great names. You shall teach them to me later--because of course you'll make us a nice long visit now you have come, won't you? Now tell me--but no, I am quite tired out with your being so clever. Besides, I'm sure you'd like ME to tell YOU something, wouldn't you?' 'Yes,' said Anthea. 'I want to know how it is that the King has gone--' 'Excuse me, but you should say "the King may-he-live-for-ever",' said the Queen gently. 'I beg your pardon,' Anthea hastened to say--'the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone to fetch home his fourteenth wife? I don't think even Bluebeard had as many as that. And, besides, he hasn't killed YOU at any rate.' The Queen looked bewildered. 'She means,' explained Robert, 'that English kings only have one wife--at least, Henry the Eighth had seven or eight, but not all at once.' 'In our country,' said the Queen scornfully, 'a king would not reign a day who had only one wife. No one would respect him, and quite right too.' 'Then are all the other thirteen alive?' asked Anthea. 'Of course they are--poor mean-spirited things! I don't associate with them, of course, I am the Queen: they're only the wives.' 'I see,' said Anthea, gasping. 'But oh, my dears,' the Queen went on, 'such a to-do as there's been about this last wife! You never did! It really was TOO funny. We wanted an Egyptian princess. The King may-he-live-for-ever has got a wife from most of the important nations, and he had set his heart on an Egyptian one to complete his collection. Well, of course, to begin with, we sent a handsome present of gold. The Egyptian king sent back some horses--quite a few; he's fearfully stingy!--and he said he liked the gold very much, but what they were really short of was lapis lazuli, so of course we sent him some. But by that time he'd begun to use the gold to cover the beams of the roof of the Temple of the Sun-God, and he hadn't nearly enough to finish the job, so we sent some more. And so it went on, oh, for years. You see each journey takes at least six months. And at last we asked the hand of his daughter in marriage.' 'Yes, and then?' said Anthea, who wanted to get to the princess part of the story. 'Well, then,' said the Queen, 'when he'd got everything out of us that he could, and only given the meanest presents in return, he sent to say he would esteem the honour of an alliance very highly, only unfortunately he hadn't any daughter, but he hoped one would be born soon, and if so, she should certainly be reserved for the King of Babylon!' 'What a trick!' said Cyril. 'Yes, wasn't it? So then we said his sister would do, and then there were more gifts and more journeys; and now at last the tiresome, black-haired thing is coming, and the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone seven days' journey to meet her at Carchemish. And he's gone in his best chariot, the one inlaid with lapis lazuli and gold, with the gold-plated wheels and onyx-studded hubs--much too great an honour in my opinion. She'll be here tonight; there'll be a grand banquet to celebrate her arrival. SHE won't be present, of course. She'll be having her baths and her anointings, and all that sort of thing. We always clean our foreign brides very carefully. It takes two or three weeks. Now it's dinnertime, and you shall eat with me, for I can see that you are of high rank.' She led them into a dark, cool hall, with many cushions on the floor. On these they sat and low tables were brought--beautiful tables of smooth, blue stone mounted in gold. On these, golden trays were placed; but there were no knives, or forks, or spoons. The children expected the Queen to call for them; but no. She just ate with her fingers, and as the first dish was a great tray of boiled corn, and meat and raisins all mixed up together, and melted fat poured all over the tray, it was found difficult to follow her example with anything like what we are used to think of as good table manners. There were stewed quinces afterwards, and dates in syrup, and thick yellowy cream. It was the kind of dinner you hardly ever get in Fitzroy Street. After dinner everybody went to sleep, even the children. The Queen awoke with a start. 'Good gracious!' she cried, 'what a time we've slept! I must rush off and dress for the banquet. I shan't have much more than time.' 'Hasn't Ritti-Marduk got back with our sister and the Psammead yet?' Anthea asked. 'I QUITE forgot to ask. I'm sorry,' said the Queen. 'And of course they wouldn't announce her unless I told them to, except during justice hours. I expect she's waiting outside. I'll see.' Ritti-Marduk came in a moment later. 'I regret,' he said, 'that I have been unable to find your sister. The beast she bears with her in a basket has bitten the child of the guard, and your sister and the beast set out to come to you. The police say they have a clue. No doubt we shall have news of her in a few weeks.' He bowed and withdrew. The horror of this threefold loss--Jane, the Psammead, and the Amulet--gave the children something to talk about while the Queen was dressing. I shall not report their conversation; it was very gloomy. Everyone repeated himself several times, and the discussion ended in each of them blaming the other two for having let Jane go. You know the sort of talk it was, don't you? At last Cyril said-- 'After all, she's with the Psammead, so SHE'S all right. The Psammead is jolly careful of itself too. And it isn't as if we were in any danger. Let's try to buck up and enjoy the banquet.' They did enjoy the banquet. They had a beautiful bath, which was delicious, were heavily oiled all over, including their hair, and that was most unpleasant. Then, they dressed again and were presented to the King, who was most affable. The banquet was long; there were all sorts of nice things to eat, and everybody seemed to eat and drink a good deal. Everyone lay on cushions and couches, ladies on one side and gentlemen on the other; and after the eating was done each lady went and sat by some gentleman, who seemed to be her sweetheart or her husband, for they were very affectionate to each other. The Court dresses had gold threads woven in them, very bright and beautiful. The middle of the room was left clear, and different people came and did amusing things. There were conjurers and jugglers and snake-charmers, which last Anthea did not like at all. When it got dark torches were lighted. Cedar splinters dipped in oil blazed in copper dishes set high on poles. Then there was a dancer, who hardly danced at all, only just struck attitudes. She had hardly any clothes, and was not at all pretty. The children were rather bored by her, but everyone else was delighted, including the King. 'By the beard of Nimrod!' he cried, 'ask what you like girl, and you shall have it!' 'I want nothing,' said the dancer; 'the honour of having pleased the King may-he-live-for-ever is reward enough for me.' And the King was so pleased with this modest and sensible reply that he gave her the gold collar off his own neck. 'I say!' said Cyril, awed by the magnificence of the gift. 'It's all right,' whispered the Queen, 'it's not his best collar by any means. We always keep a stock of cheap jewellery for these occasions. And now--you promised to sing us something. Would you like my minstrels to accompany you?' 'No, thank you,' said Anthea quickly. The minstrels had been playing off and on all the time, and their music reminded Anthea of the band she and the others had once had on the fifth of November--with penny horns, a tin whistle, a tea-tray, the tongs, a policeman's rattle, and a toy drum. They had enjoyed this band very much at the time. But it was quite different when someone else was making the same kind of music. Anthea understood now that Father had not been really heartless and unreasonable when he had told them to stop that infuriating din. 'What shall we sing?' Cyril was asking. 'Sweet and low?' suggested Anthea. 'Too soft--I vote for "Who will o'er the downs". Now then--one, two, three. 'Oh, who will o'er the downs so free, Oh, who will with me ride, Oh, who will up and follow me, To win a blooming bride? Her father he has locked the door, Her mother keeps the key; But neither bolt nor bar shall keep My own true love from me.' Jane, the alto, was missing, and Robert, unlike the mother of the lady in the song, never could 'keep the key', but the song, even so, was sufficiently unlike anything any of them had ever heard to rouse the Babylonian Court to the wildest enthusiasm. 'More, more,' cried the King; 'by my beard, this savage music is a new thing. Sing again!' So they sang: 'I saw her bower at twilight gray, 'Twas guarded safe and sure. I saw her bower at break of day, 'Twas guarded then no more. The varlets they were all asleep, And there was none to see The greeting fair that passed there Between my love and me.' Shouts of applause greeted the ending of the verse, and the King would not be satisfied till they had sung all their part-songs (they only knew three) twice over, and ended up with 'Men of Harlech' in unison. Then the King stood up in his royal robes with his high, narrow crown on his head and shouted-- 'By the beak of Nisroch, ask what you will, strangers from the land where the sun never sets!' 'We ought to say it's enough honour, like the dancer did,' whispered Anthea. 'No, let's ask for IT,' said Robert. 'No, no, I'm sure the other's manners,' said Anthea. But Robert, who was excited by the music, and the flaring torches, and the applause and the opportunity, spoke up before the others could stop him. 'Give us the half of the Amulet that has on it the name UR HEKAU SETCHEH,' he said, adding as an afterthought, 'O King, live-for-ever.' As he spoke the great name those in the pillared hall fell on their faces, and lay still. All but the Queen who crouched amid her cushions with her head in her hands, and the King, who stood upright, perfectly still, like the statue of a king in stone. It was only for a moment though. Then his great voice thundered out-- 'Guard, seize them!' Instantly, from nowhere as it seemed, sprang eight soldiers in bright armour inlaid with gold, and tunics of red and white. Very splendid they were, and very alarming. 'Impious and sacrilegious wretches!' shouted the King. 'To the dungeons with them! We will find a way, tomorrow, to make them speak. For without doubt they can tell us where to find the lost half of It.' A wall of scarlet and white and steel and gold closed up round the children and hurried them away among the many pillars of the great hall. As they went they heard the voices of the courtiers loud in horror. 'You've done it this time,' said Cyril with extreme bitterness. 'Oh, it will come right. It MUST. It always does,' said Anthea desperately. They could not see where they were going, because the guard surrounded them so closely, but the ground under their feet, smooth marble at first, grew rougher like stone, then it was loose earth and sand, and they felt the night air. Then there was more stone, and steps down. 'It's my belief we really ARE going to the deepest dungeon below the castle moat this time,' said Cyril. And they were. At least it was not below a moat, but below the river Euphrates, which was just as bad if not worse. In a most unpleasant place it was. Dark, very, very damp, and with an odd, musty smell rather like the shells of oysters. There was a torch--that is to say, a copper basket on a high stick with oiled wood burning in it. By its light the children saw that the walls were green, and that trickles of water ran down them and dripped from the roof. There were things on the floor that looked like newts, and in the dark corners creepy, shiny things moved sluggishly, uneasily, horribly. Robert's heart sank right into those really reliable boots of his. Anthea and Cyril each had a private struggle with that inside disagreeableness which is part of all of us, and which is sometimes called the Old Adam--and both were victors. Neither of them said to Robert (and both tried hard not even to think it), 'This is YOUR doing.' Anthea had the additional temptation to add, 'I told you so.' And she resisted it successfully. 'Sacrilege, and impious cheek,' said the captain of the guard to the gaoler. 'To be kept during the King's pleasure. I expect he means to get some pleasure out of them tomorrow! He'll tickle them up!' 'Poor little kids,' said the gaoler. 'Oh, yes,' said the captain. 'I've got kids of my own too. But it doesn't do to let domestic sentiment interfere with one's public duties. Good night.' The soldiers tramped heavily off in their white and red and steel and gold. The gaoler, with a bunch of big keys in his hand, stood looking pityingly at the children. He shook his head twice and went out. 'Courage!' said Anthea. 'I know it will be all right. It's only a dream REALLY, you know. It MUST be! I don't believe about time being only a something or other of thought. It IS a dream, and we're bound to wake up all right and safe.' 'Humph,' said Cyril bitterly. And Robert suddenly said-- 'It's all my doing. If it really IS all up do please not keep a down on me about it, and tell Father--Oh, I forgot.' What he had forgotten was that his father was 3,000 miles and 5,000 or more years away from him. 'All right, Bobs, old man,' said Cyril; and Anthea got hold of Robert's hand and squeezed it. Then the gaoler came back with a platter of hard, flat cakes made of coarse grain, very different from the cream-and-juicy-date feasts of the palace; also a pitcher of water. 'There,' he said. 'Oh, thank you so very much. You ARE kind,' said Anthea feverishly. 'Go to sleep,' said the gaoler, pointing to a heap of straw in a corner; 'tomorrow comes soon enough.' 'Oh, dear Mr Gaoler,' said Anthea, 'whatever will they do to us tomorrow?' 'They'll try to make you tell things,' said the gaoler grimly, 'and my advice is if you've nothing to tell, make up something. Then perhaps they'll sell you to the Northern nations. Regular savages THEY are. Good night.' 'Good night,' said three trembling voices, which their owners strove in vain to render firm. Then he went out, and the three were left alone in the damp, dim vault. 'I know the light won't last long,' said Cyril, looking at the flickering brazier. 'Is it any good, do you think, calling on the name when we haven't got the charm?' suggested Anthea. 'I shouldn't think so. But we might try.' So they tried. But the blank silence of the damp dungeon remained unchanged. 'What was the name the Queen said?' asked Cyril suddenly. 'Nisbeth--Nesbit--something? You know, the slave of the great names?' 'Wait a sec,' said Robert, 'though I | carefully | How many times the word 'carefully' appears in the text? | 3 |
woman and said, 'You'll take me home with you, won't you? And let me play with your little girls till the others have done with the Queen.' 'Surely I will, little heart!' said the woman. And then Anthea hurriedly stroked the Psammead and embraced Jane, who took the woman's hand, and trotted contentedly away with the Psammead's bag under the other arm. The others stood looking after her till she, the woman, and the basket were lost in the many-coloured crowd. Then Anthea turned once more to the palace's magnificent doorway and said-- 'Let's ask the porter to take care of our Babylonian overcoats.' So they took off the garments that the woman had lent them and stood amid the jostling petitioners of the Queen in their own English frocks and coats and hats and boots. 'We want to see the Queen,' said Cyril; 'we come from the far Empire where the sun never sets!' A murmur of surprise and a thrill of excitement ran through the crowd. The door-porter spoke to a black man, he spoke to someone else. There was a whispering, waiting pause. Then a big man, with a cleanly-shaven face, beckoned them from the top of a flight of red marble steps. They went up; the boots of Robert clattering more than usual because he was so nervous. A door swung open, a curtain was drawn back. A double line of bowing forms in gorgeous raiment formed a lane that led to the steps of the throne, and as the children advanced hurriedly there came from the throne a voice very sweet and kind. 'Three children from the land where the sun never sets! Let them draw hither without fear.' In another minute they were kneeling at the throne's foot, saying, 'O Queen, live for ever!' exactly as the woman had taught them. And a splendid dream-lady, all gold and silver and jewels and snowy drift of veils, was raising Anthea, and saying-- 'Don't be frightened, I really am SO glad you came! The land where the sun never sets! I am delighted to see you! I was getting quite too dreadfully bored for anything!' And behind Anthea the kneeling Cyril whispered in the ears of the respectful Robert-- 'Bobs, don't say anything to Panther. It's no use upsetting her, but we didn't ask for Jane's address, and the Psammead's with her.' 'Well,' whispered Robert, 'the charm can bring them to us at any moment. IT said so.' 'Oh, yes,' whispered Cyril, in miserable derision, 'WE'RE all right, of course. So we are! Oh, yes! If we'd only GOT the charm.' Then Robert saw, and he murmured, 'Crikey!' at the foot of the throne of Babylon; while Cyril hoarsely whispered the plain English fact-- 'Jane's got the charm round her neck, you silly cuckoo.' 'Crikey!' Robert repeated in heart-broken undertones. CHAPTER 7. 'THE DEEPEST DUNGEON BELOW THE CASTLE MOAT' The Queen threw three of the red and gold embroidered cushions off the throne on to the marble steps that led up to it. 'Just make yourselves comfortable there,' she said. 'I'm simply dying to talk to you, and to hear all about your wonderful country and how you got here, and everything, but I have to do justice every morning. Such a bore, isn't it? Do you do justice in your own country?' 'No, said Cyril; 'at least of course we try to, but not in this public sort of way, only in private.' 'Ah, yes,' said the Queen, 'I should much prefer a private audience myself--much easier to manage. But public opinion has to be considered. Doing justice is very hard work, even when you're brought up to it.' 'We don't do justice, but we have to do scales, Jane and me,' said Anthea, 'twenty minutes a day. It's simply horrid.' 'What are scales?' asked the Queen, 'and what is Jane?' 'Jane is my little sister. One of the guards-at-the-gate's wife is taking care of her. And scales are music.' 'I never heard of the instrument,' said the Queen. 'Do you sing?' 'Oh, yes. We can sing in parts,' said Anthea. 'That IS magic,' said the Queen. 'How many parts are you each cut into before you do it?' 'We aren't cut at all,' said Robert hastily. 'We couldn't sing if we were. We'll show you afterwards.' 'So you shall, and now sit quiet like dear children and hear me do justice. The way I do it has always been admired. I oughtn't to say that ought I? Sounds so conceited. But I don't mind with you, dears. Somehow I feel as though I'd known you quite a long time already.' The Queen settled herself on her throne and made a signal to her attendants. The children, whispering together among the cushions on the steps of the throne, decided that she was very beautiful and very kind, but perhaps just the least bit flighty. The first person who came to ask for justice was a woman whose brother had taken the money the father had left for her. The brother said it was the uncle who had the money. There was a good deal of talk and the children were growing rather bored, when the Queen suddenly clapped her hands, and said-- 'Put both the men in prison till one of them owns up that the other is innocent.' 'But suppose they both did it?' Cyril could not help interrupting. 'Then prison's the best place for them,' said the Queen. 'But suppose neither did it.' 'That's impossible,' said the Queen; 'a thing's not done unless someone does it. And you mustn't interrupt.' Then came a woman, in tears, with a torn veil and real ashes on her head--at least Anthea thought so, but it may have been only road-dust. She complained that her husband was in prison. 'What for?' said the Queen. 'They SAID it was for speaking evil of your Majesty,' said the woman, 'but it wasn't. Someone had a spite against him. That was what it was.' 'How do you know he hadn't spoken evil of me?' said the Queen. 'No one could,' said the woman simply, 'when they'd once seen your beautiful face.' 'Let the man out,' said the Queen, smiling. 'Next case.' The next case was that of a boy who had stolen a fox. 'Like the Spartan boy,' whispered Robert. But the Queen ruled that nobody could have any possible reason for owning a fox, and still less for stealing one. And she did not believe that there were any foxes in Babylon; she, at any rate, had never seen one. So the boy was released. The people came to the Queen about all sorts of family quarrels and neighbourly misunderstandings--from a fight between brothers over the division of an inheritance, to the dishonest and unfriendly conduct of a woman who had borrowed a cooking-pot at the last New Year's festival, and not returned it yet. And the Queen decided everything, very, very decidedly indeed. At last she clapped her hands quite suddenly and with extreme loudness, and said-- 'The audience is over for today.' Everyone said, 'May the Queen live for ever!' and went out. And the children were left alone in the justice-hall with the Queen of Babylon and her ladies. 'There!' said the Queen, with a long sigh of relief. 'THAT'S over! I couldn't have done another stitch of justice if you'd offered me the crown of Egypt! Now come into the garden, and we'll have a nice, long, cosy talk.' She led them through long, narrow corridors whose walls they somehow felt, were very, very thick, into a sort of garden courtyard. There were thick shrubs closely planted, and roses were trained over trellises, and made a pleasant shade--needed, indeed, for already the sun was as hot as it is in England in August at the seaside. Slaves spread cushions on a low, marble terrace, and a big man with a smooth face served cool drink in cups of gold studded with beryls. He drank a little from the Queen's cup before handing it to her. 'That's rather a nasty trick,' whispered Robert, who had been carefully taught never to drink out of one of the nice, shiny, metal cups that are chained to the London drinking fountains without first rinsing it out thoroughly. The Queen overheard him. 'Not at all,' said she. 'Ritti-Marduk is a very clean man. And one has to have SOME ONE as taster, you know, because of poison.' The word made the children feel rather creepy; but Ritti-Marduk had tasted all the cups, so they felt pretty safe. The drink was delicious--very cold, and tasting like lemonade and partly like penny ices. 'Leave us,' said the Queen. And all the Court ladies, in their beautiful, many-folded, many-coloured, fringed dresses, filed out slowly, and the children were left alone with the Queen. 'Now,' she said, 'tell me all about yourselves.' They looked at each other. 'You, Bobs,' said Cyril. 'No--Anthea,' said Robert. 'No--you--Cyril,' said Anthea. 'Don't you remember how pleased the Queen of India was when you told her all about us?' Cyril muttered that it was all very well, and so it was. For when he had told the tale of the Phoenix and the Carpet to the Ranee, it had been only the truth--and all the truth that he had to tell. But now it was not easy to tell a convincing story without mentioning the Amulet--which, of course, it wouldn't have done to mention--and without owning that they were really living in London, about 2,500 years later than the time they were talking in. Cyril took refuge in the tale of the Psammead and its wonderful power of making wishes come true. The children had never been able to tell anyone before, and Cyril was surprised to find that the spell which kept them silent in London did not work here. 'Something to do with our being in the Past, I suppose,' he said to himself. 'This is MOST interesting,' said the Queen. 'We must have this Psammead for the banquet tonight. Its performance will be one of the most popular turns in the whole programme. Where is it?' Anthea explained that they did not know; also why it was that they did not know. 'Oh, THAT'S quite simple,' said the Queen, and everyone breathed a deep sigh of relief as she said it. 'Ritti-Marduk shall run down to the gates and find out which guard your sister went home with.' 'Might he'--Anthea's voice was tremulous--'might he--would it interfere with his meal-times, or anything like that, if he went NOW?' 'Of course he shall go now. He may think himself lucky if he gets his meals at any time,' said the Queen heartily, and clapped her hands. 'May I send a letter?' asked Cyril, pulling out a red-backed penny account-book, and feeling in his pockets for a stump of pencil that he knew was in one of them. 'By all means. I'll call my scribe.' 'Oh, I can scribe right enough, thanks,' said Cyril, finding the pencil and licking its point. He even had to bite the wood a little, for it was very blunt. 'Oh, you clever, clever boy!' said the Queen. 'DO let me watch you do it!' Cyril wrote on a leaf of the book--it was of rough, woolly paper, with hairs that stuck out and would have got in his pen if he had been using one, and ruled for accounts. 'Hide IT most carefully before you come here,' he wrote, 'and don't mention it--and destroy this letter. Everything is going A1. The Queen is a fair treat. There's nothing to be afraid of.' 'What curious characters, and what a strange flat surface!' said the Queen. 'What have you inscribed?' 'I've 'scribed,' replied Cyril cautiously, 'that you are fair, and a--and like a--like a festival; and that she need not be afraid, and that she is to come at once.' Ritti-Marduk, who had come in and had stood waiting while Cyril wrote, his Babylonish eyes nearly starting out of his Babylonish head, now took the letter, with some reluctance. 'O Queen, live for ever! Is it a charm?' he timidly asked. 'A strong charm, most great lady?' 'YES,' said Robert, unexpectedly, 'it IS a charm, but it won't hurt anyone until you've given it to Jane. And then she'll destroy it, so that it CAN'T hurt anyone. It's most awful strong!--as strong as--Peppermint!' he ended abruptly. 'I know not the god,' said Ritti-Marduk, bending timorously. 'She'll tear it up directly she gets it,' said Robert, 'That'll end the charm. You needn't be afraid if you go now.' Ritti-Marduk went, seeming only partly satisfied; and then the Queen began to admire the penny account-book and the bit of pencil in so marked and significant a way that Cyril felt he could not do less than press them upon her as a gift. She ruffled the leaves delightedly. 'What a wonderful substance!' she said. 'And with this style you make charms? Make a charm for me! Do you know,' her voice sank to a whisper, 'the names of the great ones of your own far country?' 'Rather!' said Cyril, and hastily wrote the names of Alfred the Great, Shakespeare, Nelson, Gordon, Lord Beaconsfield, Mr Rudyard Kipling, and Mr Sherlock Holmes, while the Queen watched him with 'unbaited breath', as Anthea said afterwards. She took the book and hid it reverently among the bright folds of her gown. 'You shall teach me later to say the great names,' she said. 'And the names of their Ministers--perhaps the great Nisroch is one of them?' 'I don't think so,' said Cyril. 'Mr Campbell Bannerman's Prime Minister and Mr Burns a Minister, and so is the Archbishop of Canterbury, I think, but I'm not sure--and Dr Parker was one, I know, and--' 'No more,' said the Queen, putting her hands to her ears. 'My head's going round with all those great names. You shall teach them to me later--because of course you'll make us a nice long visit now you have come, won't you? Now tell me--but no, I am quite tired out with your being so clever. Besides, I'm sure you'd like ME to tell YOU something, wouldn't you?' 'Yes,' said Anthea. 'I want to know how it is that the King has gone--' 'Excuse me, but you should say "the King may-he-live-for-ever",' said the Queen gently. 'I beg your pardon,' Anthea hastened to say--'the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone to fetch home his fourteenth wife? I don't think even Bluebeard had as many as that. And, besides, he hasn't killed YOU at any rate.' The Queen looked bewildered. 'She means,' explained Robert, 'that English kings only have one wife--at least, Henry the Eighth had seven or eight, but not all at once.' 'In our country,' said the Queen scornfully, 'a king would not reign a day who had only one wife. No one would respect him, and quite right too.' 'Then are all the other thirteen alive?' asked Anthea. 'Of course they are--poor mean-spirited things! I don't associate with them, of course, I am the Queen: they're only the wives.' 'I see,' said Anthea, gasping. 'But oh, my dears,' the Queen went on, 'such a to-do as there's been about this last wife! You never did! It really was TOO funny. We wanted an Egyptian princess. The King may-he-live-for-ever has got a wife from most of the important nations, and he had set his heart on an Egyptian one to complete his collection. Well, of course, to begin with, we sent a handsome present of gold. The Egyptian king sent back some horses--quite a few; he's fearfully stingy!--and he said he liked the gold very much, but what they were really short of was lapis lazuli, so of course we sent him some. But by that time he'd begun to use the gold to cover the beams of the roof of the Temple of the Sun-God, and he hadn't nearly enough to finish the job, so we sent some more. And so it went on, oh, for years. You see each journey takes at least six months. And at last we asked the hand of his daughter in marriage.' 'Yes, and then?' said Anthea, who wanted to get to the princess part of the story. 'Well, then,' said the Queen, 'when he'd got everything out of us that he could, and only given the meanest presents in return, he sent to say he would esteem the honour of an alliance very highly, only unfortunately he hadn't any daughter, but he hoped one would be born soon, and if so, she should certainly be reserved for the King of Babylon!' 'What a trick!' said Cyril. 'Yes, wasn't it? So then we said his sister would do, and then there were more gifts and more journeys; and now at last the tiresome, black-haired thing is coming, and the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone seven days' journey to meet her at Carchemish. And he's gone in his best chariot, the one inlaid with lapis lazuli and gold, with the gold-plated wheels and onyx-studded hubs--much too great an honour in my opinion. She'll be here tonight; there'll be a grand banquet to celebrate her arrival. SHE won't be present, of course. She'll be having her baths and her anointings, and all that sort of thing. We always clean our foreign brides very carefully. It takes two or three weeks. Now it's dinnertime, and you shall eat with me, for I can see that you are of high rank.' She led them into a dark, cool hall, with many cushions on the floor. On these they sat and low tables were brought--beautiful tables of smooth, blue stone mounted in gold. On these, golden trays were placed; but there were no knives, or forks, or spoons. The children expected the Queen to call for them; but no. She just ate with her fingers, and as the first dish was a great tray of boiled corn, and meat and raisins all mixed up together, and melted fat poured all over the tray, it was found difficult to follow her example with anything like what we are used to think of as good table manners. There were stewed quinces afterwards, and dates in syrup, and thick yellowy cream. It was the kind of dinner you hardly ever get in Fitzroy Street. After dinner everybody went to sleep, even the children. The Queen awoke with a start. 'Good gracious!' she cried, 'what a time we've slept! I must rush off and dress for the banquet. I shan't have much more than time.' 'Hasn't Ritti-Marduk got back with our sister and the Psammead yet?' Anthea asked. 'I QUITE forgot to ask. I'm sorry,' said the Queen. 'And of course they wouldn't announce her unless I told them to, except during justice hours. I expect she's waiting outside. I'll see.' Ritti-Marduk came in a moment later. 'I regret,' he said, 'that I have been unable to find your sister. The beast she bears with her in a basket has bitten the child of the guard, and your sister and the beast set out to come to you. The police say they have a clue. No doubt we shall have news of her in a few weeks.' He bowed and withdrew. The horror of this threefold loss--Jane, the Psammead, and the Amulet--gave the children something to talk about while the Queen was dressing. I shall not report their conversation; it was very gloomy. Everyone repeated himself several times, and the discussion ended in each of them blaming the other two for having let Jane go. You know the sort of talk it was, don't you? At last Cyril said-- 'After all, she's with the Psammead, so SHE'S all right. The Psammead is jolly careful of itself too. And it isn't as if we were in any danger. Let's try to buck up and enjoy the banquet.' They did enjoy the banquet. They had a beautiful bath, which was delicious, were heavily oiled all over, including their hair, and that was most unpleasant. Then, they dressed again and were presented to the King, who was most affable. The banquet was long; there were all sorts of nice things to eat, and everybody seemed to eat and drink a good deal. Everyone lay on cushions and couches, ladies on one side and gentlemen on the other; and after the eating was done each lady went and sat by some gentleman, who seemed to be her sweetheart or her husband, for they were very affectionate to each other. The Court dresses had gold threads woven in them, very bright and beautiful. The middle of the room was left clear, and different people came and did amusing things. There were conjurers and jugglers and snake-charmers, which last Anthea did not like at all. When it got dark torches were lighted. Cedar splinters dipped in oil blazed in copper dishes set high on poles. Then there was a dancer, who hardly danced at all, only just struck attitudes. She had hardly any clothes, and was not at all pretty. The children were rather bored by her, but everyone else was delighted, including the King. 'By the beard of Nimrod!' he cried, 'ask what you like girl, and you shall have it!' 'I want nothing,' said the dancer; 'the honour of having pleased the King may-he-live-for-ever is reward enough for me.' And the King was so pleased with this modest and sensible reply that he gave her the gold collar off his own neck. 'I say!' said Cyril, awed by the magnificence of the gift. 'It's all right,' whispered the Queen, 'it's not his best collar by any means. We always keep a stock of cheap jewellery for these occasions. And now--you promised to sing us something. Would you like my minstrels to accompany you?' 'No, thank you,' said Anthea quickly. The minstrels had been playing off and on all the time, and their music reminded Anthea of the band she and the others had once had on the fifth of November--with penny horns, a tin whistle, a tea-tray, the tongs, a policeman's rattle, and a toy drum. They had enjoyed this band very much at the time. But it was quite different when someone else was making the same kind of music. Anthea understood now that Father had not been really heartless and unreasonable when he had told them to stop that infuriating din. 'What shall we sing?' Cyril was asking. 'Sweet and low?' suggested Anthea. 'Too soft--I vote for "Who will o'er the downs". Now then--one, two, three. 'Oh, who will o'er the downs so free, Oh, who will with me ride, Oh, who will up and follow me, To win a blooming bride? Her father he has locked the door, Her mother keeps the key; But neither bolt nor bar shall keep My own true love from me.' Jane, the alto, was missing, and Robert, unlike the mother of the lady in the song, never could 'keep the key', but the song, even so, was sufficiently unlike anything any of them had ever heard to rouse the Babylonian Court to the wildest enthusiasm. 'More, more,' cried the King; 'by my beard, this savage music is a new thing. Sing again!' So they sang: 'I saw her bower at twilight gray, 'Twas guarded safe and sure. I saw her bower at break of day, 'Twas guarded then no more. The varlets they were all asleep, And there was none to see The greeting fair that passed there Between my love and me.' Shouts of applause greeted the ending of the verse, and the King would not be satisfied till they had sung all their part-songs (they only knew three) twice over, and ended up with 'Men of Harlech' in unison. Then the King stood up in his royal robes with his high, narrow crown on his head and shouted-- 'By the beak of Nisroch, ask what you will, strangers from the land where the sun never sets!' 'We ought to say it's enough honour, like the dancer did,' whispered Anthea. 'No, let's ask for IT,' said Robert. 'No, no, I'm sure the other's manners,' said Anthea. But Robert, who was excited by the music, and the flaring torches, and the applause and the opportunity, spoke up before the others could stop him. 'Give us the half of the Amulet that has on it the name UR HEKAU SETCHEH,' he said, adding as an afterthought, 'O King, live-for-ever.' As he spoke the great name those in the pillared hall fell on their faces, and lay still. All but the Queen who crouched amid her cushions with her head in her hands, and the King, who stood upright, perfectly still, like the statue of a king in stone. It was only for a moment though. Then his great voice thundered out-- 'Guard, seize them!' Instantly, from nowhere as it seemed, sprang eight soldiers in bright armour inlaid with gold, and tunics of red and white. Very splendid they were, and very alarming. 'Impious and sacrilegious wretches!' shouted the King. 'To the dungeons with them! We will find a way, tomorrow, to make them speak. For without doubt they can tell us where to find the lost half of It.' A wall of scarlet and white and steel and gold closed up round the children and hurried them away among the many pillars of the great hall. As they went they heard the voices of the courtiers loud in horror. 'You've done it this time,' said Cyril with extreme bitterness. 'Oh, it will come right. It MUST. It always does,' said Anthea desperately. They could not see where they were going, because the guard surrounded them so closely, but the ground under their feet, smooth marble at first, grew rougher like stone, then it was loose earth and sand, and they felt the night air. Then there was more stone, and steps down. 'It's my belief we really ARE going to the deepest dungeon below the castle moat this time,' said Cyril. And they were. At least it was not below a moat, but below the river Euphrates, which was just as bad if not worse. In a most unpleasant place it was. Dark, very, very damp, and with an odd, musty smell rather like the shells of oysters. There was a torch--that is to say, a copper basket on a high stick with oiled wood burning in it. By its light the children saw that the walls were green, and that trickles of water ran down them and dripped from the roof. There were things on the floor that looked like newts, and in the dark corners creepy, shiny things moved sluggishly, uneasily, horribly. Robert's heart sank right into those really reliable boots of his. Anthea and Cyril each had a private struggle with that inside disagreeableness which is part of all of us, and which is sometimes called the Old Adam--and both were victors. Neither of them said to Robert (and both tried hard not even to think it), 'This is YOUR doing.' Anthea had the additional temptation to add, 'I told you so.' And she resisted it successfully. 'Sacrilege, and impious cheek,' said the captain of the guard to the gaoler. 'To be kept during the King's pleasure. I expect he means to get some pleasure out of them tomorrow! He'll tickle them up!' 'Poor little kids,' said the gaoler. 'Oh, yes,' said the captain. 'I've got kids of my own too. But it doesn't do to let domestic sentiment interfere with one's public duties. Good night.' The soldiers tramped heavily off in their white and red and steel and gold. The gaoler, with a bunch of big keys in his hand, stood looking pityingly at the children. He shook his head twice and went out. 'Courage!' said Anthea. 'I know it will be all right. It's only a dream REALLY, you know. It MUST be! I don't believe about time being only a something or other of thought. It IS a dream, and we're bound to wake up all right and safe.' 'Humph,' said Cyril bitterly. And Robert suddenly said-- 'It's all my doing. If it really IS all up do please not keep a down on me about it, and tell Father--Oh, I forgot.' What he had forgotten was that his father was 3,000 miles and 5,000 or more years away from him. 'All right, Bobs, old man,' said Cyril; and Anthea got hold of Robert's hand and squeezed it. Then the gaoler came back with a platter of hard, flat cakes made of coarse grain, very different from the cream-and-juicy-date feasts of the palace; also a pitcher of water. 'There,' he said. 'Oh, thank you so very much. You ARE kind,' said Anthea feverishly. 'Go to sleep,' said the gaoler, pointing to a heap of straw in a corner; 'tomorrow comes soon enough.' 'Oh, dear Mr Gaoler,' said Anthea, 'whatever will they do to us tomorrow?' 'They'll try to make you tell things,' said the gaoler grimly, 'and my advice is if you've nothing to tell, make up something. Then perhaps they'll sell you to the Northern nations. Regular savages THEY are. Good night.' 'Good night,' said three trembling voices, which their owners strove in vain to render firm. Then he went out, and the three were left alone in the damp, dim vault. 'I know the light won't last long,' said Cyril, looking at the flickering brazier. 'Is it any good, do you think, calling on the name when we haven't got the charm?' suggested Anthea. 'I shouldn't think so. But we might try.' So they tried. But the blank silence of the damp dungeon remained unchanged. 'What was the name the Queen said?' asked Cyril suddenly. 'Nisbeth--Nesbit--something? You know, the slave of the great names?' 'Wait a sec,' said Robert, 'though I | simply | How many times the word 'simply' appears in the text? | 3 |
woman and said, 'You'll take me home with you, won't you? And let me play with your little girls till the others have done with the Queen.' 'Surely I will, little heart!' said the woman. And then Anthea hurriedly stroked the Psammead and embraced Jane, who took the woman's hand, and trotted contentedly away with the Psammead's bag under the other arm. The others stood looking after her till she, the woman, and the basket were lost in the many-coloured crowd. Then Anthea turned once more to the palace's magnificent doorway and said-- 'Let's ask the porter to take care of our Babylonian overcoats.' So they took off the garments that the woman had lent them and stood amid the jostling petitioners of the Queen in their own English frocks and coats and hats and boots. 'We want to see the Queen,' said Cyril; 'we come from the far Empire where the sun never sets!' A murmur of surprise and a thrill of excitement ran through the crowd. The door-porter spoke to a black man, he spoke to someone else. There was a whispering, waiting pause. Then a big man, with a cleanly-shaven face, beckoned them from the top of a flight of red marble steps. They went up; the boots of Robert clattering more than usual because he was so nervous. A door swung open, a curtain was drawn back. A double line of bowing forms in gorgeous raiment formed a lane that led to the steps of the throne, and as the children advanced hurriedly there came from the throne a voice very sweet and kind. 'Three children from the land where the sun never sets! Let them draw hither without fear.' In another minute they were kneeling at the throne's foot, saying, 'O Queen, live for ever!' exactly as the woman had taught them. And a splendid dream-lady, all gold and silver and jewels and snowy drift of veils, was raising Anthea, and saying-- 'Don't be frightened, I really am SO glad you came! The land where the sun never sets! I am delighted to see you! I was getting quite too dreadfully bored for anything!' And behind Anthea the kneeling Cyril whispered in the ears of the respectful Robert-- 'Bobs, don't say anything to Panther. It's no use upsetting her, but we didn't ask for Jane's address, and the Psammead's with her.' 'Well,' whispered Robert, 'the charm can bring them to us at any moment. IT said so.' 'Oh, yes,' whispered Cyril, in miserable derision, 'WE'RE all right, of course. So we are! Oh, yes! If we'd only GOT the charm.' Then Robert saw, and he murmured, 'Crikey!' at the foot of the throne of Babylon; while Cyril hoarsely whispered the plain English fact-- 'Jane's got the charm round her neck, you silly cuckoo.' 'Crikey!' Robert repeated in heart-broken undertones. CHAPTER 7. 'THE DEEPEST DUNGEON BELOW THE CASTLE MOAT' The Queen threw three of the red and gold embroidered cushions off the throne on to the marble steps that led up to it. 'Just make yourselves comfortable there,' she said. 'I'm simply dying to talk to you, and to hear all about your wonderful country and how you got here, and everything, but I have to do justice every morning. Such a bore, isn't it? Do you do justice in your own country?' 'No, said Cyril; 'at least of course we try to, but not in this public sort of way, only in private.' 'Ah, yes,' said the Queen, 'I should much prefer a private audience myself--much easier to manage. But public opinion has to be considered. Doing justice is very hard work, even when you're brought up to it.' 'We don't do justice, but we have to do scales, Jane and me,' said Anthea, 'twenty minutes a day. It's simply horrid.' 'What are scales?' asked the Queen, 'and what is Jane?' 'Jane is my little sister. One of the guards-at-the-gate's wife is taking care of her. And scales are music.' 'I never heard of the instrument,' said the Queen. 'Do you sing?' 'Oh, yes. We can sing in parts,' said Anthea. 'That IS magic,' said the Queen. 'How many parts are you each cut into before you do it?' 'We aren't cut at all,' said Robert hastily. 'We couldn't sing if we were. We'll show you afterwards.' 'So you shall, and now sit quiet like dear children and hear me do justice. The way I do it has always been admired. I oughtn't to say that ought I? Sounds so conceited. But I don't mind with you, dears. Somehow I feel as though I'd known you quite a long time already.' The Queen settled herself on her throne and made a signal to her attendants. The children, whispering together among the cushions on the steps of the throne, decided that she was very beautiful and very kind, but perhaps just the least bit flighty. The first person who came to ask for justice was a woman whose brother had taken the money the father had left for her. The brother said it was the uncle who had the money. There was a good deal of talk and the children were growing rather bored, when the Queen suddenly clapped her hands, and said-- 'Put both the men in prison till one of them owns up that the other is innocent.' 'But suppose they both did it?' Cyril could not help interrupting. 'Then prison's the best place for them,' said the Queen. 'But suppose neither did it.' 'That's impossible,' said the Queen; 'a thing's not done unless someone does it. And you mustn't interrupt.' Then came a woman, in tears, with a torn veil and real ashes on her head--at least Anthea thought so, but it may have been only road-dust. She complained that her husband was in prison. 'What for?' said the Queen. 'They SAID it was for speaking evil of your Majesty,' said the woman, 'but it wasn't. Someone had a spite against him. That was what it was.' 'How do you know he hadn't spoken evil of me?' said the Queen. 'No one could,' said the woman simply, 'when they'd once seen your beautiful face.' 'Let the man out,' said the Queen, smiling. 'Next case.' The next case was that of a boy who had stolen a fox. 'Like the Spartan boy,' whispered Robert. But the Queen ruled that nobody could have any possible reason for owning a fox, and still less for stealing one. And she did not believe that there were any foxes in Babylon; she, at any rate, had never seen one. So the boy was released. The people came to the Queen about all sorts of family quarrels and neighbourly misunderstandings--from a fight between brothers over the division of an inheritance, to the dishonest and unfriendly conduct of a woman who had borrowed a cooking-pot at the last New Year's festival, and not returned it yet. And the Queen decided everything, very, very decidedly indeed. At last she clapped her hands quite suddenly and with extreme loudness, and said-- 'The audience is over for today.' Everyone said, 'May the Queen live for ever!' and went out. And the children were left alone in the justice-hall with the Queen of Babylon and her ladies. 'There!' said the Queen, with a long sigh of relief. 'THAT'S over! I couldn't have done another stitch of justice if you'd offered me the crown of Egypt! Now come into the garden, and we'll have a nice, long, cosy talk.' She led them through long, narrow corridors whose walls they somehow felt, were very, very thick, into a sort of garden courtyard. There were thick shrubs closely planted, and roses were trained over trellises, and made a pleasant shade--needed, indeed, for already the sun was as hot as it is in England in August at the seaside. Slaves spread cushions on a low, marble terrace, and a big man with a smooth face served cool drink in cups of gold studded with beryls. He drank a little from the Queen's cup before handing it to her. 'That's rather a nasty trick,' whispered Robert, who had been carefully taught never to drink out of one of the nice, shiny, metal cups that are chained to the London drinking fountains without first rinsing it out thoroughly. The Queen overheard him. 'Not at all,' said she. 'Ritti-Marduk is a very clean man. And one has to have SOME ONE as taster, you know, because of poison.' The word made the children feel rather creepy; but Ritti-Marduk had tasted all the cups, so they felt pretty safe. The drink was delicious--very cold, and tasting like lemonade and partly like penny ices. 'Leave us,' said the Queen. And all the Court ladies, in their beautiful, many-folded, many-coloured, fringed dresses, filed out slowly, and the children were left alone with the Queen. 'Now,' she said, 'tell me all about yourselves.' They looked at each other. 'You, Bobs,' said Cyril. 'No--Anthea,' said Robert. 'No--you--Cyril,' said Anthea. 'Don't you remember how pleased the Queen of India was when you told her all about us?' Cyril muttered that it was all very well, and so it was. For when he had told the tale of the Phoenix and the Carpet to the Ranee, it had been only the truth--and all the truth that he had to tell. But now it was not easy to tell a convincing story without mentioning the Amulet--which, of course, it wouldn't have done to mention--and without owning that they were really living in London, about 2,500 years later than the time they were talking in. Cyril took refuge in the tale of the Psammead and its wonderful power of making wishes come true. The children had never been able to tell anyone before, and Cyril was surprised to find that the spell which kept them silent in London did not work here. 'Something to do with our being in the Past, I suppose,' he said to himself. 'This is MOST interesting,' said the Queen. 'We must have this Psammead for the banquet tonight. Its performance will be one of the most popular turns in the whole programme. Where is it?' Anthea explained that they did not know; also why it was that they did not know. 'Oh, THAT'S quite simple,' said the Queen, and everyone breathed a deep sigh of relief as she said it. 'Ritti-Marduk shall run down to the gates and find out which guard your sister went home with.' 'Might he'--Anthea's voice was tremulous--'might he--would it interfere with his meal-times, or anything like that, if he went NOW?' 'Of course he shall go now. He may think himself lucky if he gets his meals at any time,' said the Queen heartily, and clapped her hands. 'May I send a letter?' asked Cyril, pulling out a red-backed penny account-book, and feeling in his pockets for a stump of pencil that he knew was in one of them. 'By all means. I'll call my scribe.' 'Oh, I can scribe right enough, thanks,' said Cyril, finding the pencil and licking its point. He even had to bite the wood a little, for it was very blunt. 'Oh, you clever, clever boy!' said the Queen. 'DO let me watch you do it!' Cyril wrote on a leaf of the book--it was of rough, woolly paper, with hairs that stuck out and would have got in his pen if he had been using one, and ruled for accounts. 'Hide IT most carefully before you come here,' he wrote, 'and don't mention it--and destroy this letter. Everything is going A1. The Queen is a fair treat. There's nothing to be afraid of.' 'What curious characters, and what a strange flat surface!' said the Queen. 'What have you inscribed?' 'I've 'scribed,' replied Cyril cautiously, 'that you are fair, and a--and like a--like a festival; and that she need not be afraid, and that she is to come at once.' Ritti-Marduk, who had come in and had stood waiting while Cyril wrote, his Babylonish eyes nearly starting out of his Babylonish head, now took the letter, with some reluctance. 'O Queen, live for ever! Is it a charm?' he timidly asked. 'A strong charm, most great lady?' 'YES,' said Robert, unexpectedly, 'it IS a charm, but it won't hurt anyone until you've given it to Jane. And then she'll destroy it, so that it CAN'T hurt anyone. It's most awful strong!--as strong as--Peppermint!' he ended abruptly. 'I know not the god,' said Ritti-Marduk, bending timorously. 'She'll tear it up directly she gets it,' said Robert, 'That'll end the charm. You needn't be afraid if you go now.' Ritti-Marduk went, seeming only partly satisfied; and then the Queen began to admire the penny account-book and the bit of pencil in so marked and significant a way that Cyril felt he could not do less than press them upon her as a gift. She ruffled the leaves delightedly. 'What a wonderful substance!' she said. 'And with this style you make charms? Make a charm for me! Do you know,' her voice sank to a whisper, 'the names of the great ones of your own far country?' 'Rather!' said Cyril, and hastily wrote the names of Alfred the Great, Shakespeare, Nelson, Gordon, Lord Beaconsfield, Mr Rudyard Kipling, and Mr Sherlock Holmes, while the Queen watched him with 'unbaited breath', as Anthea said afterwards. She took the book and hid it reverently among the bright folds of her gown. 'You shall teach me later to say the great names,' she said. 'And the names of their Ministers--perhaps the great Nisroch is one of them?' 'I don't think so,' said Cyril. 'Mr Campbell Bannerman's Prime Minister and Mr Burns a Minister, and so is the Archbishop of Canterbury, I think, but I'm not sure--and Dr Parker was one, I know, and--' 'No more,' said the Queen, putting her hands to her ears. 'My head's going round with all those great names. You shall teach them to me later--because of course you'll make us a nice long visit now you have come, won't you? Now tell me--but no, I am quite tired out with your being so clever. Besides, I'm sure you'd like ME to tell YOU something, wouldn't you?' 'Yes,' said Anthea. 'I want to know how it is that the King has gone--' 'Excuse me, but you should say "the King may-he-live-for-ever",' said the Queen gently. 'I beg your pardon,' Anthea hastened to say--'the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone to fetch home his fourteenth wife? I don't think even Bluebeard had as many as that. And, besides, he hasn't killed YOU at any rate.' The Queen looked bewildered. 'She means,' explained Robert, 'that English kings only have one wife--at least, Henry the Eighth had seven or eight, but not all at once.' 'In our country,' said the Queen scornfully, 'a king would not reign a day who had only one wife. No one would respect him, and quite right too.' 'Then are all the other thirteen alive?' asked Anthea. 'Of course they are--poor mean-spirited things! I don't associate with them, of course, I am the Queen: they're only the wives.' 'I see,' said Anthea, gasping. 'But oh, my dears,' the Queen went on, 'such a to-do as there's been about this last wife! You never did! It really was TOO funny. We wanted an Egyptian princess. The King may-he-live-for-ever has got a wife from most of the important nations, and he had set his heart on an Egyptian one to complete his collection. Well, of course, to begin with, we sent a handsome present of gold. The Egyptian king sent back some horses--quite a few; he's fearfully stingy!--and he said he liked the gold very much, but what they were really short of was lapis lazuli, so of course we sent him some. But by that time he'd begun to use the gold to cover the beams of the roof of the Temple of the Sun-God, and he hadn't nearly enough to finish the job, so we sent some more. And so it went on, oh, for years. You see each journey takes at least six months. And at last we asked the hand of his daughter in marriage.' 'Yes, and then?' said Anthea, who wanted to get to the princess part of the story. 'Well, then,' said the Queen, 'when he'd got everything out of us that he could, and only given the meanest presents in return, he sent to say he would esteem the honour of an alliance very highly, only unfortunately he hadn't any daughter, but he hoped one would be born soon, and if so, she should certainly be reserved for the King of Babylon!' 'What a trick!' said Cyril. 'Yes, wasn't it? So then we said his sister would do, and then there were more gifts and more journeys; and now at last the tiresome, black-haired thing is coming, and the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone seven days' journey to meet her at Carchemish. And he's gone in his best chariot, the one inlaid with lapis lazuli and gold, with the gold-plated wheels and onyx-studded hubs--much too great an honour in my opinion. She'll be here tonight; there'll be a grand banquet to celebrate her arrival. SHE won't be present, of course. She'll be having her baths and her anointings, and all that sort of thing. We always clean our foreign brides very carefully. It takes two or three weeks. Now it's dinnertime, and you shall eat with me, for I can see that you are of high rank.' She led them into a dark, cool hall, with many cushions on the floor. On these they sat and low tables were brought--beautiful tables of smooth, blue stone mounted in gold. On these, golden trays were placed; but there were no knives, or forks, or spoons. The children expected the Queen to call for them; but no. She just ate with her fingers, and as the first dish was a great tray of boiled corn, and meat and raisins all mixed up together, and melted fat poured all over the tray, it was found difficult to follow her example with anything like what we are used to think of as good table manners. There were stewed quinces afterwards, and dates in syrup, and thick yellowy cream. It was the kind of dinner you hardly ever get in Fitzroy Street. After dinner everybody went to sleep, even the children. The Queen awoke with a start. 'Good gracious!' she cried, 'what a time we've slept! I must rush off and dress for the banquet. I shan't have much more than time.' 'Hasn't Ritti-Marduk got back with our sister and the Psammead yet?' Anthea asked. 'I QUITE forgot to ask. I'm sorry,' said the Queen. 'And of course they wouldn't announce her unless I told them to, except during justice hours. I expect she's waiting outside. I'll see.' Ritti-Marduk came in a moment later. 'I regret,' he said, 'that I have been unable to find your sister. The beast she bears with her in a basket has bitten the child of the guard, and your sister and the beast set out to come to you. The police say they have a clue. No doubt we shall have news of her in a few weeks.' He bowed and withdrew. The horror of this threefold loss--Jane, the Psammead, and the Amulet--gave the children something to talk about while the Queen was dressing. I shall not report their conversation; it was very gloomy. Everyone repeated himself several times, and the discussion ended in each of them blaming the other two for having let Jane go. You know the sort of talk it was, don't you? At last Cyril said-- 'After all, she's with the Psammead, so SHE'S all right. The Psammead is jolly careful of itself too. And it isn't as if we were in any danger. Let's try to buck up and enjoy the banquet.' They did enjoy the banquet. They had a beautiful bath, which was delicious, were heavily oiled all over, including their hair, and that was most unpleasant. Then, they dressed again and were presented to the King, who was most affable. The banquet was long; there were all sorts of nice things to eat, and everybody seemed to eat and drink a good deal. Everyone lay on cushions and couches, ladies on one side and gentlemen on the other; and after the eating was done each lady went and sat by some gentleman, who seemed to be her sweetheart or her husband, for they were very affectionate to each other. The Court dresses had gold threads woven in them, very bright and beautiful. The middle of the room was left clear, and different people came and did amusing things. There were conjurers and jugglers and snake-charmers, which last Anthea did not like at all. When it got dark torches were lighted. Cedar splinters dipped in oil blazed in copper dishes set high on poles. Then there was a dancer, who hardly danced at all, only just struck attitudes. She had hardly any clothes, and was not at all pretty. The children were rather bored by her, but everyone else was delighted, including the King. 'By the beard of Nimrod!' he cried, 'ask what you like girl, and you shall have it!' 'I want nothing,' said the dancer; 'the honour of having pleased the King may-he-live-for-ever is reward enough for me.' And the King was so pleased with this modest and sensible reply that he gave her the gold collar off his own neck. 'I say!' said Cyril, awed by the magnificence of the gift. 'It's all right,' whispered the Queen, 'it's not his best collar by any means. We always keep a stock of cheap jewellery for these occasions. And now--you promised to sing us something. Would you like my minstrels to accompany you?' 'No, thank you,' said Anthea quickly. The minstrels had been playing off and on all the time, and their music reminded Anthea of the band she and the others had once had on the fifth of November--with penny horns, a tin whistle, a tea-tray, the tongs, a policeman's rattle, and a toy drum. They had enjoyed this band very much at the time. But it was quite different when someone else was making the same kind of music. Anthea understood now that Father had not been really heartless and unreasonable when he had told them to stop that infuriating din. 'What shall we sing?' Cyril was asking. 'Sweet and low?' suggested Anthea. 'Too soft--I vote for "Who will o'er the downs". Now then--one, two, three. 'Oh, who will o'er the downs so free, Oh, who will with me ride, Oh, who will up and follow me, To win a blooming bride? Her father he has locked the door, Her mother keeps the key; But neither bolt nor bar shall keep My own true love from me.' Jane, the alto, was missing, and Robert, unlike the mother of the lady in the song, never could 'keep the key', but the song, even so, was sufficiently unlike anything any of them had ever heard to rouse the Babylonian Court to the wildest enthusiasm. 'More, more,' cried the King; 'by my beard, this savage music is a new thing. Sing again!' So they sang: 'I saw her bower at twilight gray, 'Twas guarded safe and sure. I saw her bower at break of day, 'Twas guarded then no more. The varlets they were all asleep, And there was none to see The greeting fair that passed there Between my love and me.' Shouts of applause greeted the ending of the verse, and the King would not be satisfied till they had sung all their part-songs (they only knew three) twice over, and ended up with 'Men of Harlech' in unison. Then the King stood up in his royal robes with his high, narrow crown on his head and shouted-- 'By the beak of Nisroch, ask what you will, strangers from the land where the sun never sets!' 'We ought to say it's enough honour, like the dancer did,' whispered Anthea. 'No, let's ask for IT,' said Robert. 'No, no, I'm sure the other's manners,' said Anthea. But Robert, who was excited by the music, and the flaring torches, and the applause and the opportunity, spoke up before the others could stop him. 'Give us the half of the Amulet that has on it the name UR HEKAU SETCHEH,' he said, adding as an afterthought, 'O King, live-for-ever.' As he spoke the great name those in the pillared hall fell on their faces, and lay still. All but the Queen who crouched amid her cushions with her head in her hands, and the King, who stood upright, perfectly still, like the statue of a king in stone. It was only for a moment though. Then his great voice thundered out-- 'Guard, seize them!' Instantly, from nowhere as it seemed, sprang eight soldiers in bright armour inlaid with gold, and tunics of red and white. Very splendid they were, and very alarming. 'Impious and sacrilegious wretches!' shouted the King. 'To the dungeons with them! We will find a way, tomorrow, to make them speak. For without doubt they can tell us where to find the lost half of It.' A wall of scarlet and white and steel and gold closed up round the children and hurried them away among the many pillars of the great hall. As they went they heard the voices of the courtiers loud in horror. 'You've done it this time,' said Cyril with extreme bitterness. 'Oh, it will come right. It MUST. It always does,' said Anthea desperately. They could not see where they were going, because the guard surrounded them so closely, but the ground under their feet, smooth marble at first, grew rougher like stone, then it was loose earth and sand, and they felt the night air. Then there was more stone, and steps down. 'It's my belief we really ARE going to the deepest dungeon below the castle moat this time,' said Cyril. And they were. At least it was not below a moat, but below the river Euphrates, which was just as bad if not worse. In a most unpleasant place it was. Dark, very, very damp, and with an odd, musty smell rather like the shells of oysters. There was a torch--that is to say, a copper basket on a high stick with oiled wood burning in it. By its light the children saw that the walls were green, and that trickles of water ran down them and dripped from the roof. There were things on the floor that looked like newts, and in the dark corners creepy, shiny things moved sluggishly, uneasily, horribly. Robert's heart sank right into those really reliable boots of his. Anthea and Cyril each had a private struggle with that inside disagreeableness which is part of all of us, and which is sometimes called the Old Adam--and both were victors. Neither of them said to Robert (and both tried hard not even to think it), 'This is YOUR doing.' Anthea had the additional temptation to add, 'I told you so.' And she resisted it successfully. 'Sacrilege, and impious cheek,' said the captain of the guard to the gaoler. 'To be kept during the King's pleasure. I expect he means to get some pleasure out of them tomorrow! He'll tickle them up!' 'Poor little kids,' said the gaoler. 'Oh, yes,' said the captain. 'I've got kids of my own too. But it doesn't do to let domestic sentiment interfere with one's public duties. Good night.' The soldiers tramped heavily off in their white and red and steel and gold. The gaoler, with a bunch of big keys in his hand, stood looking pityingly at the children. He shook his head twice and went out. 'Courage!' said Anthea. 'I know it will be all right. It's only a dream REALLY, you know. It MUST be! I don't believe about time being only a something or other of thought. It IS a dream, and we're bound to wake up all right and safe.' 'Humph,' said Cyril bitterly. And Robert suddenly said-- 'It's all my doing. If it really IS all up do please not keep a down on me about it, and tell Father--Oh, I forgot.' What he had forgotten was that his father was 3,000 miles and 5,000 or more years away from him. 'All right, Bobs, old man,' said Cyril; and Anthea got hold of Robert's hand and squeezed it. Then the gaoler came back with a platter of hard, flat cakes made of coarse grain, very different from the cream-and-juicy-date feasts of the palace; also a pitcher of water. 'There,' he said. 'Oh, thank you so very much. You ARE kind,' said Anthea feverishly. 'Go to sleep,' said the gaoler, pointing to a heap of straw in a corner; 'tomorrow comes soon enough.' 'Oh, dear Mr Gaoler,' said Anthea, 'whatever will they do to us tomorrow?' 'They'll try to make you tell things,' said the gaoler grimly, 'and my advice is if you've nothing to tell, make up something. Then perhaps they'll sell you to the Northern nations. Regular savages THEY are. Good night.' 'Good night,' said three trembling voices, which their owners strove in vain to render firm. Then he went out, and the three were left alone in the damp, dim vault. 'I know the light won't last long,' said Cyril, looking at the flickering brazier. 'Is it any good, do you think, calling on the name when we haven't got the charm?' suggested Anthea. 'I shouldn't think so. But we might try.' So they tried. But the blank silence of the damp dungeon remained unchanged. 'What was the name the Queen said?' asked Cyril suddenly. 'Nisbeth--Nesbit--something? You know, the slave of the great names?' 'Wait a sec,' said Robert, 'though I | cool | How many times the word 'cool' appears in the text? | 2 |
woman and said, 'You'll take me home with you, won't you? And let me play with your little girls till the others have done with the Queen.' 'Surely I will, little heart!' said the woman. And then Anthea hurriedly stroked the Psammead and embraced Jane, who took the woman's hand, and trotted contentedly away with the Psammead's bag under the other arm. The others stood looking after her till she, the woman, and the basket were lost in the many-coloured crowd. Then Anthea turned once more to the palace's magnificent doorway and said-- 'Let's ask the porter to take care of our Babylonian overcoats.' So they took off the garments that the woman had lent them and stood amid the jostling petitioners of the Queen in their own English frocks and coats and hats and boots. 'We want to see the Queen,' said Cyril; 'we come from the far Empire where the sun never sets!' A murmur of surprise and a thrill of excitement ran through the crowd. The door-porter spoke to a black man, he spoke to someone else. There was a whispering, waiting pause. Then a big man, with a cleanly-shaven face, beckoned them from the top of a flight of red marble steps. They went up; the boots of Robert clattering more than usual because he was so nervous. A door swung open, a curtain was drawn back. A double line of bowing forms in gorgeous raiment formed a lane that led to the steps of the throne, and as the children advanced hurriedly there came from the throne a voice very sweet and kind. 'Three children from the land where the sun never sets! Let them draw hither without fear.' In another minute they were kneeling at the throne's foot, saying, 'O Queen, live for ever!' exactly as the woman had taught them. And a splendid dream-lady, all gold and silver and jewels and snowy drift of veils, was raising Anthea, and saying-- 'Don't be frightened, I really am SO glad you came! The land where the sun never sets! I am delighted to see you! I was getting quite too dreadfully bored for anything!' And behind Anthea the kneeling Cyril whispered in the ears of the respectful Robert-- 'Bobs, don't say anything to Panther. It's no use upsetting her, but we didn't ask for Jane's address, and the Psammead's with her.' 'Well,' whispered Robert, 'the charm can bring them to us at any moment. IT said so.' 'Oh, yes,' whispered Cyril, in miserable derision, 'WE'RE all right, of course. So we are! Oh, yes! If we'd only GOT the charm.' Then Robert saw, and he murmured, 'Crikey!' at the foot of the throne of Babylon; while Cyril hoarsely whispered the plain English fact-- 'Jane's got the charm round her neck, you silly cuckoo.' 'Crikey!' Robert repeated in heart-broken undertones. CHAPTER 7. 'THE DEEPEST DUNGEON BELOW THE CASTLE MOAT' The Queen threw three of the red and gold embroidered cushions off the throne on to the marble steps that led up to it. 'Just make yourselves comfortable there,' she said. 'I'm simply dying to talk to you, and to hear all about your wonderful country and how you got here, and everything, but I have to do justice every morning. Such a bore, isn't it? Do you do justice in your own country?' 'No, said Cyril; 'at least of course we try to, but not in this public sort of way, only in private.' 'Ah, yes,' said the Queen, 'I should much prefer a private audience myself--much easier to manage. But public opinion has to be considered. Doing justice is very hard work, even when you're brought up to it.' 'We don't do justice, but we have to do scales, Jane and me,' said Anthea, 'twenty minutes a day. It's simply horrid.' 'What are scales?' asked the Queen, 'and what is Jane?' 'Jane is my little sister. One of the guards-at-the-gate's wife is taking care of her. And scales are music.' 'I never heard of the instrument,' said the Queen. 'Do you sing?' 'Oh, yes. We can sing in parts,' said Anthea. 'That IS magic,' said the Queen. 'How many parts are you each cut into before you do it?' 'We aren't cut at all,' said Robert hastily. 'We couldn't sing if we were. We'll show you afterwards.' 'So you shall, and now sit quiet like dear children and hear me do justice. The way I do it has always been admired. I oughtn't to say that ought I? Sounds so conceited. But I don't mind with you, dears. Somehow I feel as though I'd known you quite a long time already.' The Queen settled herself on her throne and made a signal to her attendants. The children, whispering together among the cushions on the steps of the throne, decided that she was very beautiful and very kind, but perhaps just the least bit flighty. The first person who came to ask for justice was a woman whose brother had taken the money the father had left for her. The brother said it was the uncle who had the money. There was a good deal of talk and the children were growing rather bored, when the Queen suddenly clapped her hands, and said-- 'Put both the men in prison till one of them owns up that the other is innocent.' 'But suppose they both did it?' Cyril could not help interrupting. 'Then prison's the best place for them,' said the Queen. 'But suppose neither did it.' 'That's impossible,' said the Queen; 'a thing's not done unless someone does it. And you mustn't interrupt.' Then came a woman, in tears, with a torn veil and real ashes on her head--at least Anthea thought so, but it may have been only road-dust. She complained that her husband was in prison. 'What for?' said the Queen. 'They SAID it was for speaking evil of your Majesty,' said the woman, 'but it wasn't. Someone had a spite against him. That was what it was.' 'How do you know he hadn't spoken evil of me?' said the Queen. 'No one could,' said the woman simply, 'when they'd once seen your beautiful face.' 'Let the man out,' said the Queen, smiling. 'Next case.' The next case was that of a boy who had stolen a fox. 'Like the Spartan boy,' whispered Robert. But the Queen ruled that nobody could have any possible reason for owning a fox, and still less for stealing one. And she did not believe that there were any foxes in Babylon; she, at any rate, had never seen one. So the boy was released. The people came to the Queen about all sorts of family quarrels and neighbourly misunderstandings--from a fight between brothers over the division of an inheritance, to the dishonest and unfriendly conduct of a woman who had borrowed a cooking-pot at the last New Year's festival, and not returned it yet. And the Queen decided everything, very, very decidedly indeed. At last she clapped her hands quite suddenly and with extreme loudness, and said-- 'The audience is over for today.' Everyone said, 'May the Queen live for ever!' and went out. And the children were left alone in the justice-hall with the Queen of Babylon and her ladies. 'There!' said the Queen, with a long sigh of relief. 'THAT'S over! I couldn't have done another stitch of justice if you'd offered me the crown of Egypt! Now come into the garden, and we'll have a nice, long, cosy talk.' She led them through long, narrow corridors whose walls they somehow felt, were very, very thick, into a sort of garden courtyard. There were thick shrubs closely planted, and roses were trained over trellises, and made a pleasant shade--needed, indeed, for already the sun was as hot as it is in England in August at the seaside. Slaves spread cushions on a low, marble terrace, and a big man with a smooth face served cool drink in cups of gold studded with beryls. He drank a little from the Queen's cup before handing it to her. 'That's rather a nasty trick,' whispered Robert, who had been carefully taught never to drink out of one of the nice, shiny, metal cups that are chained to the London drinking fountains without first rinsing it out thoroughly. The Queen overheard him. 'Not at all,' said she. 'Ritti-Marduk is a very clean man. And one has to have SOME ONE as taster, you know, because of poison.' The word made the children feel rather creepy; but Ritti-Marduk had tasted all the cups, so they felt pretty safe. The drink was delicious--very cold, and tasting like lemonade and partly like penny ices. 'Leave us,' said the Queen. And all the Court ladies, in their beautiful, many-folded, many-coloured, fringed dresses, filed out slowly, and the children were left alone with the Queen. 'Now,' she said, 'tell me all about yourselves.' They looked at each other. 'You, Bobs,' said Cyril. 'No--Anthea,' said Robert. 'No--you--Cyril,' said Anthea. 'Don't you remember how pleased the Queen of India was when you told her all about us?' Cyril muttered that it was all very well, and so it was. For when he had told the tale of the Phoenix and the Carpet to the Ranee, it had been only the truth--and all the truth that he had to tell. But now it was not easy to tell a convincing story without mentioning the Amulet--which, of course, it wouldn't have done to mention--and without owning that they were really living in London, about 2,500 years later than the time they were talking in. Cyril took refuge in the tale of the Psammead and its wonderful power of making wishes come true. The children had never been able to tell anyone before, and Cyril was surprised to find that the spell which kept them silent in London did not work here. 'Something to do with our being in the Past, I suppose,' he said to himself. 'This is MOST interesting,' said the Queen. 'We must have this Psammead for the banquet tonight. Its performance will be one of the most popular turns in the whole programme. Where is it?' Anthea explained that they did not know; also why it was that they did not know. 'Oh, THAT'S quite simple,' said the Queen, and everyone breathed a deep sigh of relief as she said it. 'Ritti-Marduk shall run down to the gates and find out which guard your sister went home with.' 'Might he'--Anthea's voice was tremulous--'might he--would it interfere with his meal-times, or anything like that, if he went NOW?' 'Of course he shall go now. He may think himself lucky if he gets his meals at any time,' said the Queen heartily, and clapped her hands. 'May I send a letter?' asked Cyril, pulling out a red-backed penny account-book, and feeling in his pockets for a stump of pencil that he knew was in one of them. 'By all means. I'll call my scribe.' 'Oh, I can scribe right enough, thanks,' said Cyril, finding the pencil and licking its point. He even had to bite the wood a little, for it was very blunt. 'Oh, you clever, clever boy!' said the Queen. 'DO let me watch you do it!' Cyril wrote on a leaf of the book--it was of rough, woolly paper, with hairs that stuck out and would have got in his pen if he had been using one, and ruled for accounts. 'Hide IT most carefully before you come here,' he wrote, 'and don't mention it--and destroy this letter. Everything is going A1. The Queen is a fair treat. There's nothing to be afraid of.' 'What curious characters, and what a strange flat surface!' said the Queen. 'What have you inscribed?' 'I've 'scribed,' replied Cyril cautiously, 'that you are fair, and a--and like a--like a festival; and that she need not be afraid, and that she is to come at once.' Ritti-Marduk, who had come in and had stood waiting while Cyril wrote, his Babylonish eyes nearly starting out of his Babylonish head, now took the letter, with some reluctance. 'O Queen, live for ever! Is it a charm?' he timidly asked. 'A strong charm, most great lady?' 'YES,' said Robert, unexpectedly, 'it IS a charm, but it won't hurt anyone until you've given it to Jane. And then she'll destroy it, so that it CAN'T hurt anyone. It's most awful strong!--as strong as--Peppermint!' he ended abruptly. 'I know not the god,' said Ritti-Marduk, bending timorously. 'She'll tear it up directly she gets it,' said Robert, 'That'll end the charm. You needn't be afraid if you go now.' Ritti-Marduk went, seeming only partly satisfied; and then the Queen began to admire the penny account-book and the bit of pencil in so marked and significant a way that Cyril felt he could not do less than press them upon her as a gift. She ruffled the leaves delightedly. 'What a wonderful substance!' she said. 'And with this style you make charms? Make a charm for me! Do you know,' her voice sank to a whisper, 'the names of the great ones of your own far country?' 'Rather!' said Cyril, and hastily wrote the names of Alfred the Great, Shakespeare, Nelson, Gordon, Lord Beaconsfield, Mr Rudyard Kipling, and Mr Sherlock Holmes, while the Queen watched him with 'unbaited breath', as Anthea said afterwards. She took the book and hid it reverently among the bright folds of her gown. 'You shall teach me later to say the great names,' she said. 'And the names of their Ministers--perhaps the great Nisroch is one of them?' 'I don't think so,' said Cyril. 'Mr Campbell Bannerman's Prime Minister and Mr Burns a Minister, and so is the Archbishop of Canterbury, I think, but I'm not sure--and Dr Parker was one, I know, and--' 'No more,' said the Queen, putting her hands to her ears. 'My head's going round with all those great names. You shall teach them to me later--because of course you'll make us a nice long visit now you have come, won't you? Now tell me--but no, I am quite tired out with your being so clever. Besides, I'm sure you'd like ME to tell YOU something, wouldn't you?' 'Yes,' said Anthea. 'I want to know how it is that the King has gone--' 'Excuse me, but you should say "the King may-he-live-for-ever",' said the Queen gently. 'I beg your pardon,' Anthea hastened to say--'the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone to fetch home his fourteenth wife? I don't think even Bluebeard had as many as that. And, besides, he hasn't killed YOU at any rate.' The Queen looked bewildered. 'She means,' explained Robert, 'that English kings only have one wife--at least, Henry the Eighth had seven or eight, but not all at once.' 'In our country,' said the Queen scornfully, 'a king would not reign a day who had only one wife. No one would respect him, and quite right too.' 'Then are all the other thirteen alive?' asked Anthea. 'Of course they are--poor mean-spirited things! I don't associate with them, of course, I am the Queen: they're only the wives.' 'I see,' said Anthea, gasping. 'But oh, my dears,' the Queen went on, 'such a to-do as there's been about this last wife! You never did! It really was TOO funny. We wanted an Egyptian princess. The King may-he-live-for-ever has got a wife from most of the important nations, and he had set his heart on an Egyptian one to complete his collection. Well, of course, to begin with, we sent a handsome present of gold. The Egyptian king sent back some horses--quite a few; he's fearfully stingy!--and he said he liked the gold very much, but what they were really short of was lapis lazuli, so of course we sent him some. But by that time he'd begun to use the gold to cover the beams of the roof of the Temple of the Sun-God, and he hadn't nearly enough to finish the job, so we sent some more. And so it went on, oh, for years. You see each journey takes at least six months. And at last we asked the hand of his daughter in marriage.' 'Yes, and then?' said Anthea, who wanted to get to the princess part of the story. 'Well, then,' said the Queen, 'when he'd got everything out of us that he could, and only given the meanest presents in return, he sent to say he would esteem the honour of an alliance very highly, only unfortunately he hadn't any daughter, but he hoped one would be born soon, and if so, she should certainly be reserved for the King of Babylon!' 'What a trick!' said Cyril. 'Yes, wasn't it? So then we said his sister would do, and then there were more gifts and more journeys; and now at last the tiresome, black-haired thing is coming, and the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone seven days' journey to meet her at Carchemish. And he's gone in his best chariot, the one inlaid with lapis lazuli and gold, with the gold-plated wheels and onyx-studded hubs--much too great an honour in my opinion. She'll be here tonight; there'll be a grand banquet to celebrate her arrival. SHE won't be present, of course. She'll be having her baths and her anointings, and all that sort of thing. We always clean our foreign brides very carefully. It takes two or three weeks. Now it's dinnertime, and you shall eat with me, for I can see that you are of high rank.' She led them into a dark, cool hall, with many cushions on the floor. On these they sat and low tables were brought--beautiful tables of smooth, blue stone mounted in gold. On these, golden trays were placed; but there were no knives, or forks, or spoons. The children expected the Queen to call for them; but no. She just ate with her fingers, and as the first dish was a great tray of boiled corn, and meat and raisins all mixed up together, and melted fat poured all over the tray, it was found difficult to follow her example with anything like what we are used to think of as good table manners. There were stewed quinces afterwards, and dates in syrup, and thick yellowy cream. It was the kind of dinner you hardly ever get in Fitzroy Street. After dinner everybody went to sleep, even the children. The Queen awoke with a start. 'Good gracious!' she cried, 'what a time we've slept! I must rush off and dress for the banquet. I shan't have much more than time.' 'Hasn't Ritti-Marduk got back with our sister and the Psammead yet?' Anthea asked. 'I QUITE forgot to ask. I'm sorry,' said the Queen. 'And of course they wouldn't announce her unless I told them to, except during justice hours. I expect she's waiting outside. I'll see.' Ritti-Marduk came in a moment later. 'I regret,' he said, 'that I have been unable to find your sister. The beast she bears with her in a basket has bitten the child of the guard, and your sister and the beast set out to come to you. The police say they have a clue. No doubt we shall have news of her in a few weeks.' He bowed and withdrew. The horror of this threefold loss--Jane, the Psammead, and the Amulet--gave the children something to talk about while the Queen was dressing. I shall not report their conversation; it was very gloomy. Everyone repeated himself several times, and the discussion ended in each of them blaming the other two for having let Jane go. You know the sort of talk it was, don't you? At last Cyril said-- 'After all, she's with the Psammead, so SHE'S all right. The Psammead is jolly careful of itself too. And it isn't as if we were in any danger. Let's try to buck up and enjoy the banquet.' They did enjoy the banquet. They had a beautiful bath, which was delicious, were heavily oiled all over, including their hair, and that was most unpleasant. Then, they dressed again and were presented to the King, who was most affable. The banquet was long; there were all sorts of nice things to eat, and everybody seemed to eat and drink a good deal. Everyone lay on cushions and couches, ladies on one side and gentlemen on the other; and after the eating was done each lady went and sat by some gentleman, who seemed to be her sweetheart or her husband, for they were very affectionate to each other. The Court dresses had gold threads woven in them, very bright and beautiful. The middle of the room was left clear, and different people came and did amusing things. There were conjurers and jugglers and snake-charmers, which last Anthea did not like at all. When it got dark torches were lighted. Cedar splinters dipped in oil blazed in copper dishes set high on poles. Then there was a dancer, who hardly danced at all, only just struck attitudes. She had hardly any clothes, and was not at all pretty. The children were rather bored by her, but everyone else was delighted, including the King. 'By the beard of Nimrod!' he cried, 'ask what you like girl, and you shall have it!' 'I want nothing,' said the dancer; 'the honour of having pleased the King may-he-live-for-ever is reward enough for me.' And the King was so pleased with this modest and sensible reply that he gave her the gold collar off his own neck. 'I say!' said Cyril, awed by the magnificence of the gift. 'It's all right,' whispered the Queen, 'it's not his best collar by any means. We always keep a stock of cheap jewellery for these occasions. And now--you promised to sing us something. Would you like my minstrels to accompany you?' 'No, thank you,' said Anthea quickly. The minstrels had been playing off and on all the time, and their music reminded Anthea of the band she and the others had once had on the fifth of November--with penny horns, a tin whistle, a tea-tray, the tongs, a policeman's rattle, and a toy drum. They had enjoyed this band very much at the time. But it was quite different when someone else was making the same kind of music. Anthea understood now that Father had not been really heartless and unreasonable when he had told them to stop that infuriating din. 'What shall we sing?' Cyril was asking. 'Sweet and low?' suggested Anthea. 'Too soft--I vote for "Who will o'er the downs". Now then--one, two, three. 'Oh, who will o'er the downs so free, Oh, who will with me ride, Oh, who will up and follow me, To win a blooming bride? Her father he has locked the door, Her mother keeps the key; But neither bolt nor bar shall keep My own true love from me.' Jane, the alto, was missing, and Robert, unlike the mother of the lady in the song, never could 'keep the key', but the song, even so, was sufficiently unlike anything any of them had ever heard to rouse the Babylonian Court to the wildest enthusiasm. 'More, more,' cried the King; 'by my beard, this savage music is a new thing. Sing again!' So they sang: 'I saw her bower at twilight gray, 'Twas guarded safe and sure. I saw her bower at break of day, 'Twas guarded then no more. The varlets they were all asleep, And there was none to see The greeting fair that passed there Between my love and me.' Shouts of applause greeted the ending of the verse, and the King would not be satisfied till they had sung all their part-songs (they only knew three) twice over, and ended up with 'Men of Harlech' in unison. Then the King stood up in his royal robes with his high, narrow crown on his head and shouted-- 'By the beak of Nisroch, ask what you will, strangers from the land where the sun never sets!' 'We ought to say it's enough honour, like the dancer did,' whispered Anthea. 'No, let's ask for IT,' said Robert. 'No, no, I'm sure the other's manners,' said Anthea. But Robert, who was excited by the music, and the flaring torches, and the applause and the opportunity, spoke up before the others could stop him. 'Give us the half of the Amulet that has on it the name UR HEKAU SETCHEH,' he said, adding as an afterthought, 'O King, live-for-ever.' As he spoke the great name those in the pillared hall fell on their faces, and lay still. All but the Queen who crouched amid her cushions with her head in her hands, and the King, who stood upright, perfectly still, like the statue of a king in stone. It was only for a moment though. Then his great voice thundered out-- 'Guard, seize them!' Instantly, from nowhere as it seemed, sprang eight soldiers in bright armour inlaid with gold, and tunics of red and white. Very splendid they were, and very alarming. 'Impious and sacrilegious wretches!' shouted the King. 'To the dungeons with them! We will find a way, tomorrow, to make them speak. For without doubt they can tell us where to find the lost half of It.' A wall of scarlet and white and steel and gold closed up round the children and hurried them away among the many pillars of the great hall. As they went they heard the voices of the courtiers loud in horror. 'You've done it this time,' said Cyril with extreme bitterness. 'Oh, it will come right. It MUST. It always does,' said Anthea desperately. They could not see where they were going, because the guard surrounded them so closely, but the ground under their feet, smooth marble at first, grew rougher like stone, then it was loose earth and sand, and they felt the night air. Then there was more stone, and steps down. 'It's my belief we really ARE going to the deepest dungeon below the castle moat this time,' said Cyril. And they were. At least it was not below a moat, but below the river Euphrates, which was just as bad if not worse. In a most unpleasant place it was. Dark, very, very damp, and with an odd, musty smell rather like the shells of oysters. There was a torch--that is to say, a copper basket on a high stick with oiled wood burning in it. By its light the children saw that the walls were green, and that trickles of water ran down them and dripped from the roof. There were things on the floor that looked like newts, and in the dark corners creepy, shiny things moved sluggishly, uneasily, horribly. Robert's heart sank right into those really reliable boots of his. Anthea and Cyril each had a private struggle with that inside disagreeableness which is part of all of us, and which is sometimes called the Old Adam--and both were victors. Neither of them said to Robert (and both tried hard not even to think it), 'This is YOUR doing.' Anthea had the additional temptation to add, 'I told you so.' And she resisted it successfully. 'Sacrilege, and impious cheek,' said the captain of the guard to the gaoler. 'To be kept during the King's pleasure. I expect he means to get some pleasure out of them tomorrow! He'll tickle them up!' 'Poor little kids,' said the gaoler. 'Oh, yes,' said the captain. 'I've got kids of my own too. But it doesn't do to let domestic sentiment interfere with one's public duties. Good night.' The soldiers tramped heavily off in their white and red and steel and gold. The gaoler, with a bunch of big keys in his hand, stood looking pityingly at the children. He shook his head twice and went out. 'Courage!' said Anthea. 'I know it will be all right. It's only a dream REALLY, you know. It MUST be! I don't believe about time being only a something or other of thought. It IS a dream, and we're bound to wake up all right and safe.' 'Humph,' said Cyril bitterly. And Robert suddenly said-- 'It's all my doing. If it really IS all up do please not keep a down on me about it, and tell Father--Oh, I forgot.' What he had forgotten was that his father was 3,000 miles and 5,000 or more years away from him. 'All right, Bobs, old man,' said Cyril; and Anthea got hold of Robert's hand and squeezed it. Then the gaoler came back with a platter of hard, flat cakes made of coarse grain, very different from the cream-and-juicy-date feasts of the palace; also a pitcher of water. 'There,' he said. 'Oh, thank you so very much. You ARE kind,' said Anthea feverishly. 'Go to sleep,' said the gaoler, pointing to a heap of straw in a corner; 'tomorrow comes soon enough.' 'Oh, dear Mr Gaoler,' said Anthea, 'whatever will they do to us tomorrow?' 'They'll try to make you tell things,' said the gaoler grimly, 'and my advice is if you've nothing to tell, make up something. Then perhaps they'll sell you to the Northern nations. Regular savages THEY are. Good night.' 'Good night,' said three trembling voices, which their owners strove in vain to render firm. Then he went out, and the three were left alone in the damp, dim vault. 'I know the light won't last long,' said Cyril, looking at the flickering brazier. 'Is it any good, do you think, calling on the name when we haven't got the charm?' suggested Anthea. 'I shouldn't think so. But we might try.' So they tried. But the blank silence of the damp dungeon remained unchanged. 'What was the name the Queen said?' asked Cyril suddenly. 'Nisbeth--Nesbit--something? You know, the slave of the great names?' 'Wait a sec,' said Robert, 'though I | foot | How many times the word 'foot' appears in the text? | 2 |
woman and said, 'You'll take me home with you, won't you? And let me play with your little girls till the others have done with the Queen.' 'Surely I will, little heart!' said the woman. And then Anthea hurriedly stroked the Psammead and embraced Jane, who took the woman's hand, and trotted contentedly away with the Psammead's bag under the other arm. The others stood looking after her till she, the woman, and the basket were lost in the many-coloured crowd. Then Anthea turned once more to the palace's magnificent doorway and said-- 'Let's ask the porter to take care of our Babylonian overcoats.' So they took off the garments that the woman had lent them and stood amid the jostling petitioners of the Queen in their own English frocks and coats and hats and boots. 'We want to see the Queen,' said Cyril; 'we come from the far Empire where the sun never sets!' A murmur of surprise and a thrill of excitement ran through the crowd. The door-porter spoke to a black man, he spoke to someone else. There was a whispering, waiting pause. Then a big man, with a cleanly-shaven face, beckoned them from the top of a flight of red marble steps. They went up; the boots of Robert clattering more than usual because he was so nervous. A door swung open, a curtain was drawn back. A double line of bowing forms in gorgeous raiment formed a lane that led to the steps of the throne, and as the children advanced hurriedly there came from the throne a voice very sweet and kind. 'Three children from the land where the sun never sets! Let them draw hither without fear.' In another minute they were kneeling at the throne's foot, saying, 'O Queen, live for ever!' exactly as the woman had taught them. And a splendid dream-lady, all gold and silver and jewels and snowy drift of veils, was raising Anthea, and saying-- 'Don't be frightened, I really am SO glad you came! The land where the sun never sets! I am delighted to see you! I was getting quite too dreadfully bored for anything!' And behind Anthea the kneeling Cyril whispered in the ears of the respectful Robert-- 'Bobs, don't say anything to Panther. It's no use upsetting her, but we didn't ask for Jane's address, and the Psammead's with her.' 'Well,' whispered Robert, 'the charm can bring them to us at any moment. IT said so.' 'Oh, yes,' whispered Cyril, in miserable derision, 'WE'RE all right, of course. So we are! Oh, yes! If we'd only GOT the charm.' Then Robert saw, and he murmured, 'Crikey!' at the foot of the throne of Babylon; while Cyril hoarsely whispered the plain English fact-- 'Jane's got the charm round her neck, you silly cuckoo.' 'Crikey!' Robert repeated in heart-broken undertones. CHAPTER 7. 'THE DEEPEST DUNGEON BELOW THE CASTLE MOAT' The Queen threw three of the red and gold embroidered cushions off the throne on to the marble steps that led up to it. 'Just make yourselves comfortable there,' she said. 'I'm simply dying to talk to you, and to hear all about your wonderful country and how you got here, and everything, but I have to do justice every morning. Such a bore, isn't it? Do you do justice in your own country?' 'No, said Cyril; 'at least of course we try to, but not in this public sort of way, only in private.' 'Ah, yes,' said the Queen, 'I should much prefer a private audience myself--much easier to manage. But public opinion has to be considered. Doing justice is very hard work, even when you're brought up to it.' 'We don't do justice, but we have to do scales, Jane and me,' said Anthea, 'twenty minutes a day. It's simply horrid.' 'What are scales?' asked the Queen, 'and what is Jane?' 'Jane is my little sister. One of the guards-at-the-gate's wife is taking care of her. And scales are music.' 'I never heard of the instrument,' said the Queen. 'Do you sing?' 'Oh, yes. We can sing in parts,' said Anthea. 'That IS magic,' said the Queen. 'How many parts are you each cut into before you do it?' 'We aren't cut at all,' said Robert hastily. 'We couldn't sing if we were. We'll show you afterwards.' 'So you shall, and now sit quiet like dear children and hear me do justice. The way I do it has always been admired. I oughtn't to say that ought I? Sounds so conceited. But I don't mind with you, dears. Somehow I feel as though I'd known you quite a long time already.' The Queen settled herself on her throne and made a signal to her attendants. The children, whispering together among the cushions on the steps of the throne, decided that she was very beautiful and very kind, but perhaps just the least bit flighty. The first person who came to ask for justice was a woman whose brother had taken the money the father had left for her. The brother said it was the uncle who had the money. There was a good deal of talk and the children were growing rather bored, when the Queen suddenly clapped her hands, and said-- 'Put both the men in prison till one of them owns up that the other is innocent.' 'But suppose they both did it?' Cyril could not help interrupting. 'Then prison's the best place for them,' said the Queen. 'But suppose neither did it.' 'That's impossible,' said the Queen; 'a thing's not done unless someone does it. And you mustn't interrupt.' Then came a woman, in tears, with a torn veil and real ashes on her head--at least Anthea thought so, but it may have been only road-dust. She complained that her husband was in prison. 'What for?' said the Queen. 'They SAID it was for speaking evil of your Majesty,' said the woman, 'but it wasn't. Someone had a spite against him. That was what it was.' 'How do you know he hadn't spoken evil of me?' said the Queen. 'No one could,' said the woman simply, 'when they'd once seen your beautiful face.' 'Let the man out,' said the Queen, smiling. 'Next case.' The next case was that of a boy who had stolen a fox. 'Like the Spartan boy,' whispered Robert. But the Queen ruled that nobody could have any possible reason for owning a fox, and still less for stealing one. And she did not believe that there were any foxes in Babylon; she, at any rate, had never seen one. So the boy was released. The people came to the Queen about all sorts of family quarrels and neighbourly misunderstandings--from a fight between brothers over the division of an inheritance, to the dishonest and unfriendly conduct of a woman who had borrowed a cooking-pot at the last New Year's festival, and not returned it yet. And the Queen decided everything, very, very decidedly indeed. At last she clapped her hands quite suddenly and with extreme loudness, and said-- 'The audience is over for today.' Everyone said, 'May the Queen live for ever!' and went out. And the children were left alone in the justice-hall with the Queen of Babylon and her ladies. 'There!' said the Queen, with a long sigh of relief. 'THAT'S over! I couldn't have done another stitch of justice if you'd offered me the crown of Egypt! Now come into the garden, and we'll have a nice, long, cosy talk.' She led them through long, narrow corridors whose walls they somehow felt, were very, very thick, into a sort of garden courtyard. There were thick shrubs closely planted, and roses were trained over trellises, and made a pleasant shade--needed, indeed, for already the sun was as hot as it is in England in August at the seaside. Slaves spread cushions on a low, marble terrace, and a big man with a smooth face served cool drink in cups of gold studded with beryls. He drank a little from the Queen's cup before handing it to her. 'That's rather a nasty trick,' whispered Robert, who had been carefully taught never to drink out of one of the nice, shiny, metal cups that are chained to the London drinking fountains without first rinsing it out thoroughly. The Queen overheard him. 'Not at all,' said she. 'Ritti-Marduk is a very clean man. And one has to have SOME ONE as taster, you know, because of poison.' The word made the children feel rather creepy; but Ritti-Marduk had tasted all the cups, so they felt pretty safe. The drink was delicious--very cold, and tasting like lemonade and partly like penny ices. 'Leave us,' said the Queen. And all the Court ladies, in their beautiful, many-folded, many-coloured, fringed dresses, filed out slowly, and the children were left alone with the Queen. 'Now,' she said, 'tell me all about yourselves.' They looked at each other. 'You, Bobs,' said Cyril. 'No--Anthea,' said Robert. 'No--you--Cyril,' said Anthea. 'Don't you remember how pleased the Queen of India was when you told her all about us?' Cyril muttered that it was all very well, and so it was. For when he had told the tale of the Phoenix and the Carpet to the Ranee, it had been only the truth--and all the truth that he had to tell. But now it was not easy to tell a convincing story without mentioning the Amulet--which, of course, it wouldn't have done to mention--and without owning that they were really living in London, about 2,500 years later than the time they were talking in. Cyril took refuge in the tale of the Psammead and its wonderful power of making wishes come true. The children had never been able to tell anyone before, and Cyril was surprised to find that the spell which kept them silent in London did not work here. 'Something to do with our being in the Past, I suppose,' he said to himself. 'This is MOST interesting,' said the Queen. 'We must have this Psammead for the banquet tonight. Its performance will be one of the most popular turns in the whole programme. Where is it?' Anthea explained that they did not know; also why it was that they did not know. 'Oh, THAT'S quite simple,' said the Queen, and everyone breathed a deep sigh of relief as she said it. 'Ritti-Marduk shall run down to the gates and find out which guard your sister went home with.' 'Might he'--Anthea's voice was tremulous--'might he--would it interfere with his meal-times, or anything like that, if he went NOW?' 'Of course he shall go now. He may think himself lucky if he gets his meals at any time,' said the Queen heartily, and clapped her hands. 'May I send a letter?' asked Cyril, pulling out a red-backed penny account-book, and feeling in his pockets for a stump of pencil that he knew was in one of them. 'By all means. I'll call my scribe.' 'Oh, I can scribe right enough, thanks,' said Cyril, finding the pencil and licking its point. He even had to bite the wood a little, for it was very blunt. 'Oh, you clever, clever boy!' said the Queen. 'DO let me watch you do it!' Cyril wrote on a leaf of the book--it was of rough, woolly paper, with hairs that stuck out and would have got in his pen if he had been using one, and ruled for accounts. 'Hide IT most carefully before you come here,' he wrote, 'and don't mention it--and destroy this letter. Everything is going A1. The Queen is a fair treat. There's nothing to be afraid of.' 'What curious characters, and what a strange flat surface!' said the Queen. 'What have you inscribed?' 'I've 'scribed,' replied Cyril cautiously, 'that you are fair, and a--and like a--like a festival; and that she need not be afraid, and that she is to come at once.' Ritti-Marduk, who had come in and had stood waiting while Cyril wrote, his Babylonish eyes nearly starting out of his Babylonish head, now took the letter, with some reluctance. 'O Queen, live for ever! Is it a charm?' he timidly asked. 'A strong charm, most great lady?' 'YES,' said Robert, unexpectedly, 'it IS a charm, but it won't hurt anyone until you've given it to Jane. And then she'll destroy it, so that it CAN'T hurt anyone. It's most awful strong!--as strong as--Peppermint!' he ended abruptly. 'I know not the god,' said Ritti-Marduk, bending timorously. 'She'll tear it up directly she gets it,' said Robert, 'That'll end the charm. You needn't be afraid if you go now.' Ritti-Marduk went, seeming only partly satisfied; and then the Queen began to admire the penny account-book and the bit of pencil in so marked and significant a way that Cyril felt he could not do less than press them upon her as a gift. She ruffled the leaves delightedly. 'What a wonderful substance!' she said. 'And with this style you make charms? Make a charm for me! Do you know,' her voice sank to a whisper, 'the names of the great ones of your own far country?' 'Rather!' said Cyril, and hastily wrote the names of Alfred the Great, Shakespeare, Nelson, Gordon, Lord Beaconsfield, Mr Rudyard Kipling, and Mr Sherlock Holmes, while the Queen watched him with 'unbaited breath', as Anthea said afterwards. She took the book and hid it reverently among the bright folds of her gown. 'You shall teach me later to say the great names,' she said. 'And the names of their Ministers--perhaps the great Nisroch is one of them?' 'I don't think so,' said Cyril. 'Mr Campbell Bannerman's Prime Minister and Mr Burns a Minister, and so is the Archbishop of Canterbury, I think, but I'm not sure--and Dr Parker was one, I know, and--' 'No more,' said the Queen, putting her hands to her ears. 'My head's going round with all those great names. You shall teach them to me later--because of course you'll make us a nice long visit now you have come, won't you? Now tell me--but no, I am quite tired out with your being so clever. Besides, I'm sure you'd like ME to tell YOU something, wouldn't you?' 'Yes,' said Anthea. 'I want to know how it is that the King has gone--' 'Excuse me, but you should say "the King may-he-live-for-ever",' said the Queen gently. 'I beg your pardon,' Anthea hastened to say--'the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone to fetch home his fourteenth wife? I don't think even Bluebeard had as many as that. And, besides, he hasn't killed YOU at any rate.' The Queen looked bewildered. 'She means,' explained Robert, 'that English kings only have one wife--at least, Henry the Eighth had seven or eight, but not all at once.' 'In our country,' said the Queen scornfully, 'a king would not reign a day who had only one wife. No one would respect him, and quite right too.' 'Then are all the other thirteen alive?' asked Anthea. 'Of course they are--poor mean-spirited things! I don't associate with them, of course, I am the Queen: they're only the wives.' 'I see,' said Anthea, gasping. 'But oh, my dears,' the Queen went on, 'such a to-do as there's been about this last wife! You never did! It really was TOO funny. We wanted an Egyptian princess. The King may-he-live-for-ever has got a wife from most of the important nations, and he had set his heart on an Egyptian one to complete his collection. Well, of course, to begin with, we sent a handsome present of gold. The Egyptian king sent back some horses--quite a few; he's fearfully stingy!--and he said he liked the gold very much, but what they were really short of was lapis lazuli, so of course we sent him some. But by that time he'd begun to use the gold to cover the beams of the roof of the Temple of the Sun-God, and he hadn't nearly enough to finish the job, so we sent some more. And so it went on, oh, for years. You see each journey takes at least six months. And at last we asked the hand of his daughter in marriage.' 'Yes, and then?' said Anthea, who wanted to get to the princess part of the story. 'Well, then,' said the Queen, 'when he'd got everything out of us that he could, and only given the meanest presents in return, he sent to say he would esteem the honour of an alliance very highly, only unfortunately he hadn't any daughter, but he hoped one would be born soon, and if so, she should certainly be reserved for the King of Babylon!' 'What a trick!' said Cyril. 'Yes, wasn't it? So then we said his sister would do, and then there were more gifts and more journeys; and now at last the tiresome, black-haired thing is coming, and the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone seven days' journey to meet her at Carchemish. And he's gone in his best chariot, the one inlaid with lapis lazuli and gold, with the gold-plated wheels and onyx-studded hubs--much too great an honour in my opinion. She'll be here tonight; there'll be a grand banquet to celebrate her arrival. SHE won't be present, of course. She'll be having her baths and her anointings, and all that sort of thing. We always clean our foreign brides very carefully. It takes two or three weeks. Now it's dinnertime, and you shall eat with me, for I can see that you are of high rank.' She led them into a dark, cool hall, with many cushions on the floor. On these they sat and low tables were brought--beautiful tables of smooth, blue stone mounted in gold. On these, golden trays were placed; but there were no knives, or forks, or spoons. The children expected the Queen to call for them; but no. She just ate with her fingers, and as the first dish was a great tray of boiled corn, and meat and raisins all mixed up together, and melted fat poured all over the tray, it was found difficult to follow her example with anything like what we are used to think of as good table manners. There were stewed quinces afterwards, and dates in syrup, and thick yellowy cream. It was the kind of dinner you hardly ever get in Fitzroy Street. After dinner everybody went to sleep, even the children. The Queen awoke with a start. 'Good gracious!' she cried, 'what a time we've slept! I must rush off and dress for the banquet. I shan't have much more than time.' 'Hasn't Ritti-Marduk got back with our sister and the Psammead yet?' Anthea asked. 'I QUITE forgot to ask. I'm sorry,' said the Queen. 'And of course they wouldn't announce her unless I told them to, except during justice hours. I expect she's waiting outside. I'll see.' Ritti-Marduk came in a moment later. 'I regret,' he said, 'that I have been unable to find your sister. The beast she bears with her in a basket has bitten the child of the guard, and your sister and the beast set out to come to you. The police say they have a clue. No doubt we shall have news of her in a few weeks.' He bowed and withdrew. The horror of this threefold loss--Jane, the Psammead, and the Amulet--gave the children something to talk about while the Queen was dressing. I shall not report their conversation; it was very gloomy. Everyone repeated himself several times, and the discussion ended in each of them blaming the other two for having let Jane go. You know the sort of talk it was, don't you? At last Cyril said-- 'After all, she's with the Psammead, so SHE'S all right. The Psammead is jolly careful of itself too. And it isn't as if we were in any danger. Let's try to buck up and enjoy the banquet.' They did enjoy the banquet. They had a beautiful bath, which was delicious, were heavily oiled all over, including their hair, and that was most unpleasant. Then, they dressed again and were presented to the King, who was most affable. The banquet was long; there were all sorts of nice things to eat, and everybody seemed to eat and drink a good deal. Everyone lay on cushions and couches, ladies on one side and gentlemen on the other; and after the eating was done each lady went and sat by some gentleman, who seemed to be her sweetheart or her husband, for they were very affectionate to each other. The Court dresses had gold threads woven in them, very bright and beautiful. The middle of the room was left clear, and different people came and did amusing things. There were conjurers and jugglers and snake-charmers, which last Anthea did not like at all. When it got dark torches were lighted. Cedar splinters dipped in oil blazed in copper dishes set high on poles. Then there was a dancer, who hardly danced at all, only just struck attitudes. She had hardly any clothes, and was not at all pretty. The children were rather bored by her, but everyone else was delighted, including the King. 'By the beard of Nimrod!' he cried, 'ask what you like girl, and you shall have it!' 'I want nothing,' said the dancer; 'the honour of having pleased the King may-he-live-for-ever is reward enough for me.' And the King was so pleased with this modest and sensible reply that he gave her the gold collar off his own neck. 'I say!' said Cyril, awed by the magnificence of the gift. 'It's all right,' whispered the Queen, 'it's not his best collar by any means. We always keep a stock of cheap jewellery for these occasions. And now--you promised to sing us something. Would you like my minstrels to accompany you?' 'No, thank you,' said Anthea quickly. The minstrels had been playing off and on all the time, and their music reminded Anthea of the band she and the others had once had on the fifth of November--with penny horns, a tin whistle, a tea-tray, the tongs, a policeman's rattle, and a toy drum. They had enjoyed this band very much at the time. But it was quite different when someone else was making the same kind of music. Anthea understood now that Father had not been really heartless and unreasonable when he had told them to stop that infuriating din. 'What shall we sing?' Cyril was asking. 'Sweet and low?' suggested Anthea. 'Too soft--I vote for "Who will o'er the downs". Now then--one, two, three. 'Oh, who will o'er the downs so free, Oh, who will with me ride, Oh, who will up and follow me, To win a blooming bride? Her father he has locked the door, Her mother keeps the key; But neither bolt nor bar shall keep My own true love from me.' Jane, the alto, was missing, and Robert, unlike the mother of the lady in the song, never could 'keep the key', but the song, even so, was sufficiently unlike anything any of them had ever heard to rouse the Babylonian Court to the wildest enthusiasm. 'More, more,' cried the King; 'by my beard, this savage music is a new thing. Sing again!' So they sang: 'I saw her bower at twilight gray, 'Twas guarded safe and sure. I saw her bower at break of day, 'Twas guarded then no more. The varlets they were all asleep, And there was none to see The greeting fair that passed there Between my love and me.' Shouts of applause greeted the ending of the verse, and the King would not be satisfied till they had sung all their part-songs (they only knew three) twice over, and ended up with 'Men of Harlech' in unison. Then the King stood up in his royal robes with his high, narrow crown on his head and shouted-- 'By the beak of Nisroch, ask what you will, strangers from the land where the sun never sets!' 'We ought to say it's enough honour, like the dancer did,' whispered Anthea. 'No, let's ask for IT,' said Robert. 'No, no, I'm sure the other's manners,' said Anthea. But Robert, who was excited by the music, and the flaring torches, and the applause and the opportunity, spoke up before the others could stop him. 'Give us the half of the Amulet that has on it the name UR HEKAU SETCHEH,' he said, adding as an afterthought, 'O King, live-for-ever.' As he spoke the great name those in the pillared hall fell on their faces, and lay still. All but the Queen who crouched amid her cushions with her head in her hands, and the King, who stood upright, perfectly still, like the statue of a king in stone. It was only for a moment though. Then his great voice thundered out-- 'Guard, seize them!' Instantly, from nowhere as it seemed, sprang eight soldiers in bright armour inlaid with gold, and tunics of red and white. Very splendid they were, and very alarming. 'Impious and sacrilegious wretches!' shouted the King. 'To the dungeons with them! We will find a way, tomorrow, to make them speak. For without doubt they can tell us where to find the lost half of It.' A wall of scarlet and white and steel and gold closed up round the children and hurried them away among the many pillars of the great hall. As they went they heard the voices of the courtiers loud in horror. 'You've done it this time,' said Cyril with extreme bitterness. 'Oh, it will come right. It MUST. It always does,' said Anthea desperately. They could not see where they were going, because the guard surrounded them so closely, but the ground under their feet, smooth marble at first, grew rougher like stone, then it was loose earth and sand, and they felt the night air. Then there was more stone, and steps down. 'It's my belief we really ARE going to the deepest dungeon below the castle moat this time,' said Cyril. And they were. At least it was not below a moat, but below the river Euphrates, which was just as bad if not worse. In a most unpleasant place it was. Dark, very, very damp, and with an odd, musty smell rather like the shells of oysters. There was a torch--that is to say, a copper basket on a high stick with oiled wood burning in it. By its light the children saw that the walls were green, and that trickles of water ran down them and dripped from the roof. There were things on the floor that looked like newts, and in the dark corners creepy, shiny things moved sluggishly, uneasily, horribly. Robert's heart sank right into those really reliable boots of his. Anthea and Cyril each had a private struggle with that inside disagreeableness which is part of all of us, and which is sometimes called the Old Adam--and both were victors. Neither of them said to Robert (and both tried hard not even to think it), 'This is YOUR doing.' Anthea had the additional temptation to add, 'I told you so.' And she resisted it successfully. 'Sacrilege, and impious cheek,' said the captain of the guard to the gaoler. 'To be kept during the King's pleasure. I expect he means to get some pleasure out of them tomorrow! He'll tickle them up!' 'Poor little kids,' said the gaoler. 'Oh, yes,' said the captain. 'I've got kids of my own too. But it doesn't do to let domestic sentiment interfere with one's public duties. Good night.' The soldiers tramped heavily off in their white and red and steel and gold. The gaoler, with a bunch of big keys in his hand, stood looking pityingly at the children. He shook his head twice and went out. 'Courage!' said Anthea. 'I know it will be all right. It's only a dream REALLY, you know. It MUST be! I don't believe about time being only a something or other of thought. It IS a dream, and we're bound to wake up all right and safe.' 'Humph,' said Cyril bitterly. And Robert suddenly said-- 'It's all my doing. If it really IS all up do please not keep a down on me about it, and tell Father--Oh, I forgot.' What he had forgotten was that his father was 3,000 miles and 5,000 or more years away from him. 'All right, Bobs, old man,' said Cyril; and Anthea got hold of Robert's hand and squeezed it. Then the gaoler came back with a platter of hard, flat cakes made of coarse grain, very different from the cream-and-juicy-date feasts of the palace; also a pitcher of water. 'There,' he said. 'Oh, thank you so very much. You ARE kind,' said Anthea feverishly. 'Go to sleep,' said the gaoler, pointing to a heap of straw in a corner; 'tomorrow comes soon enough.' 'Oh, dear Mr Gaoler,' said Anthea, 'whatever will they do to us tomorrow?' 'They'll try to make you tell things,' said the gaoler grimly, 'and my advice is if you've nothing to tell, make up something. Then perhaps they'll sell you to the Northern nations. Regular savages THEY are. Good night.' 'Good night,' said three trembling voices, which their owners strove in vain to render firm. Then he went out, and the three were left alone in the damp, dim vault. 'I know the light won't last long,' said Cyril, looking at the flickering brazier. 'Is it any good, do you think, calling on the name when we haven't got the charm?' suggested Anthea. 'I shouldn't think so. But we might try.' So they tried. But the blank silence of the damp dungeon remained unchanged. 'What was the name the Queen said?' asked Cyril suddenly. 'Nisbeth--Nesbit--something? You know, the slave of the great names?' 'Wait a sec,' said Robert, 'though I | begin | How many times the word 'begin' appears in the text? | 1 |
woman and said, 'You'll take me home with you, won't you? And let me play with your little girls till the others have done with the Queen.' 'Surely I will, little heart!' said the woman. And then Anthea hurriedly stroked the Psammead and embraced Jane, who took the woman's hand, and trotted contentedly away with the Psammead's bag under the other arm. The others stood looking after her till she, the woman, and the basket were lost in the many-coloured crowd. Then Anthea turned once more to the palace's magnificent doorway and said-- 'Let's ask the porter to take care of our Babylonian overcoats.' So they took off the garments that the woman had lent them and stood amid the jostling petitioners of the Queen in their own English frocks and coats and hats and boots. 'We want to see the Queen,' said Cyril; 'we come from the far Empire where the sun never sets!' A murmur of surprise and a thrill of excitement ran through the crowd. The door-porter spoke to a black man, he spoke to someone else. There was a whispering, waiting pause. Then a big man, with a cleanly-shaven face, beckoned them from the top of a flight of red marble steps. They went up; the boots of Robert clattering more than usual because he was so nervous. A door swung open, a curtain was drawn back. A double line of bowing forms in gorgeous raiment formed a lane that led to the steps of the throne, and as the children advanced hurriedly there came from the throne a voice very sweet and kind. 'Three children from the land where the sun never sets! Let them draw hither without fear.' In another minute they were kneeling at the throne's foot, saying, 'O Queen, live for ever!' exactly as the woman had taught them. And a splendid dream-lady, all gold and silver and jewels and snowy drift of veils, was raising Anthea, and saying-- 'Don't be frightened, I really am SO glad you came! The land where the sun never sets! I am delighted to see you! I was getting quite too dreadfully bored for anything!' And behind Anthea the kneeling Cyril whispered in the ears of the respectful Robert-- 'Bobs, don't say anything to Panther. It's no use upsetting her, but we didn't ask for Jane's address, and the Psammead's with her.' 'Well,' whispered Robert, 'the charm can bring them to us at any moment. IT said so.' 'Oh, yes,' whispered Cyril, in miserable derision, 'WE'RE all right, of course. So we are! Oh, yes! If we'd only GOT the charm.' Then Robert saw, and he murmured, 'Crikey!' at the foot of the throne of Babylon; while Cyril hoarsely whispered the plain English fact-- 'Jane's got the charm round her neck, you silly cuckoo.' 'Crikey!' Robert repeated in heart-broken undertones. CHAPTER 7. 'THE DEEPEST DUNGEON BELOW THE CASTLE MOAT' The Queen threw three of the red and gold embroidered cushions off the throne on to the marble steps that led up to it. 'Just make yourselves comfortable there,' she said. 'I'm simply dying to talk to you, and to hear all about your wonderful country and how you got here, and everything, but I have to do justice every morning. Such a bore, isn't it? Do you do justice in your own country?' 'No, said Cyril; 'at least of course we try to, but not in this public sort of way, only in private.' 'Ah, yes,' said the Queen, 'I should much prefer a private audience myself--much easier to manage. But public opinion has to be considered. Doing justice is very hard work, even when you're brought up to it.' 'We don't do justice, but we have to do scales, Jane and me,' said Anthea, 'twenty minutes a day. It's simply horrid.' 'What are scales?' asked the Queen, 'and what is Jane?' 'Jane is my little sister. One of the guards-at-the-gate's wife is taking care of her. And scales are music.' 'I never heard of the instrument,' said the Queen. 'Do you sing?' 'Oh, yes. We can sing in parts,' said Anthea. 'That IS magic,' said the Queen. 'How many parts are you each cut into before you do it?' 'We aren't cut at all,' said Robert hastily. 'We couldn't sing if we were. We'll show you afterwards.' 'So you shall, and now sit quiet like dear children and hear me do justice. The way I do it has always been admired. I oughtn't to say that ought I? Sounds so conceited. But I don't mind with you, dears. Somehow I feel as though I'd known you quite a long time already.' The Queen settled herself on her throne and made a signal to her attendants. The children, whispering together among the cushions on the steps of the throne, decided that she was very beautiful and very kind, but perhaps just the least bit flighty. The first person who came to ask for justice was a woman whose brother had taken the money the father had left for her. The brother said it was the uncle who had the money. There was a good deal of talk and the children were growing rather bored, when the Queen suddenly clapped her hands, and said-- 'Put both the men in prison till one of them owns up that the other is innocent.' 'But suppose they both did it?' Cyril could not help interrupting. 'Then prison's the best place for them,' said the Queen. 'But suppose neither did it.' 'That's impossible,' said the Queen; 'a thing's not done unless someone does it. And you mustn't interrupt.' Then came a woman, in tears, with a torn veil and real ashes on her head--at least Anthea thought so, but it may have been only road-dust. She complained that her husband was in prison. 'What for?' said the Queen. 'They SAID it was for speaking evil of your Majesty,' said the woman, 'but it wasn't. Someone had a spite against him. That was what it was.' 'How do you know he hadn't spoken evil of me?' said the Queen. 'No one could,' said the woman simply, 'when they'd once seen your beautiful face.' 'Let the man out,' said the Queen, smiling. 'Next case.' The next case was that of a boy who had stolen a fox. 'Like the Spartan boy,' whispered Robert. But the Queen ruled that nobody could have any possible reason for owning a fox, and still less for stealing one. And she did not believe that there were any foxes in Babylon; she, at any rate, had never seen one. So the boy was released. The people came to the Queen about all sorts of family quarrels and neighbourly misunderstandings--from a fight between brothers over the division of an inheritance, to the dishonest and unfriendly conduct of a woman who had borrowed a cooking-pot at the last New Year's festival, and not returned it yet. And the Queen decided everything, very, very decidedly indeed. At last she clapped her hands quite suddenly and with extreme loudness, and said-- 'The audience is over for today.' Everyone said, 'May the Queen live for ever!' and went out. And the children were left alone in the justice-hall with the Queen of Babylon and her ladies. 'There!' said the Queen, with a long sigh of relief. 'THAT'S over! I couldn't have done another stitch of justice if you'd offered me the crown of Egypt! Now come into the garden, and we'll have a nice, long, cosy talk.' She led them through long, narrow corridors whose walls they somehow felt, were very, very thick, into a sort of garden courtyard. There were thick shrubs closely planted, and roses were trained over trellises, and made a pleasant shade--needed, indeed, for already the sun was as hot as it is in England in August at the seaside. Slaves spread cushions on a low, marble terrace, and a big man with a smooth face served cool drink in cups of gold studded with beryls. He drank a little from the Queen's cup before handing it to her. 'That's rather a nasty trick,' whispered Robert, who had been carefully taught never to drink out of one of the nice, shiny, metal cups that are chained to the London drinking fountains without first rinsing it out thoroughly. The Queen overheard him. 'Not at all,' said she. 'Ritti-Marduk is a very clean man. And one has to have SOME ONE as taster, you know, because of poison.' The word made the children feel rather creepy; but Ritti-Marduk had tasted all the cups, so they felt pretty safe. The drink was delicious--very cold, and tasting like lemonade and partly like penny ices. 'Leave us,' said the Queen. And all the Court ladies, in their beautiful, many-folded, many-coloured, fringed dresses, filed out slowly, and the children were left alone with the Queen. 'Now,' she said, 'tell me all about yourselves.' They looked at each other. 'You, Bobs,' said Cyril. 'No--Anthea,' said Robert. 'No--you--Cyril,' said Anthea. 'Don't you remember how pleased the Queen of India was when you told her all about us?' Cyril muttered that it was all very well, and so it was. For when he had told the tale of the Phoenix and the Carpet to the Ranee, it had been only the truth--and all the truth that he had to tell. But now it was not easy to tell a convincing story without mentioning the Amulet--which, of course, it wouldn't have done to mention--and without owning that they were really living in London, about 2,500 years later than the time they were talking in. Cyril took refuge in the tale of the Psammead and its wonderful power of making wishes come true. The children had never been able to tell anyone before, and Cyril was surprised to find that the spell which kept them silent in London did not work here. 'Something to do with our being in the Past, I suppose,' he said to himself. 'This is MOST interesting,' said the Queen. 'We must have this Psammead for the banquet tonight. Its performance will be one of the most popular turns in the whole programme. Where is it?' Anthea explained that they did not know; also why it was that they did not know. 'Oh, THAT'S quite simple,' said the Queen, and everyone breathed a deep sigh of relief as she said it. 'Ritti-Marduk shall run down to the gates and find out which guard your sister went home with.' 'Might he'--Anthea's voice was tremulous--'might he--would it interfere with his meal-times, or anything like that, if he went NOW?' 'Of course he shall go now. He may think himself lucky if he gets his meals at any time,' said the Queen heartily, and clapped her hands. 'May I send a letter?' asked Cyril, pulling out a red-backed penny account-book, and feeling in his pockets for a stump of pencil that he knew was in one of them. 'By all means. I'll call my scribe.' 'Oh, I can scribe right enough, thanks,' said Cyril, finding the pencil and licking its point. He even had to bite the wood a little, for it was very blunt. 'Oh, you clever, clever boy!' said the Queen. 'DO let me watch you do it!' Cyril wrote on a leaf of the book--it was of rough, woolly paper, with hairs that stuck out and would have got in his pen if he had been using one, and ruled for accounts. 'Hide IT most carefully before you come here,' he wrote, 'and don't mention it--and destroy this letter. Everything is going A1. The Queen is a fair treat. There's nothing to be afraid of.' 'What curious characters, and what a strange flat surface!' said the Queen. 'What have you inscribed?' 'I've 'scribed,' replied Cyril cautiously, 'that you are fair, and a--and like a--like a festival; and that she need not be afraid, and that she is to come at once.' Ritti-Marduk, who had come in and had stood waiting while Cyril wrote, his Babylonish eyes nearly starting out of his Babylonish head, now took the letter, with some reluctance. 'O Queen, live for ever! Is it a charm?' he timidly asked. 'A strong charm, most great lady?' 'YES,' said Robert, unexpectedly, 'it IS a charm, but it won't hurt anyone until you've given it to Jane. And then she'll destroy it, so that it CAN'T hurt anyone. It's most awful strong!--as strong as--Peppermint!' he ended abruptly. 'I know not the god,' said Ritti-Marduk, bending timorously. 'She'll tear it up directly she gets it,' said Robert, 'That'll end the charm. You needn't be afraid if you go now.' Ritti-Marduk went, seeming only partly satisfied; and then the Queen began to admire the penny account-book and the bit of pencil in so marked and significant a way that Cyril felt he could not do less than press them upon her as a gift. She ruffled the leaves delightedly. 'What a wonderful substance!' she said. 'And with this style you make charms? Make a charm for me! Do you know,' her voice sank to a whisper, 'the names of the great ones of your own far country?' 'Rather!' said Cyril, and hastily wrote the names of Alfred the Great, Shakespeare, Nelson, Gordon, Lord Beaconsfield, Mr Rudyard Kipling, and Mr Sherlock Holmes, while the Queen watched him with 'unbaited breath', as Anthea said afterwards. She took the book and hid it reverently among the bright folds of her gown. 'You shall teach me later to say the great names,' she said. 'And the names of their Ministers--perhaps the great Nisroch is one of them?' 'I don't think so,' said Cyril. 'Mr Campbell Bannerman's Prime Minister and Mr Burns a Minister, and so is the Archbishop of Canterbury, I think, but I'm not sure--and Dr Parker was one, I know, and--' 'No more,' said the Queen, putting her hands to her ears. 'My head's going round with all those great names. You shall teach them to me later--because of course you'll make us a nice long visit now you have come, won't you? Now tell me--but no, I am quite tired out with your being so clever. Besides, I'm sure you'd like ME to tell YOU something, wouldn't you?' 'Yes,' said Anthea. 'I want to know how it is that the King has gone--' 'Excuse me, but you should say "the King may-he-live-for-ever",' said the Queen gently. 'I beg your pardon,' Anthea hastened to say--'the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone to fetch home his fourteenth wife? I don't think even Bluebeard had as many as that. And, besides, he hasn't killed YOU at any rate.' The Queen looked bewildered. 'She means,' explained Robert, 'that English kings only have one wife--at least, Henry the Eighth had seven or eight, but not all at once.' 'In our country,' said the Queen scornfully, 'a king would not reign a day who had only one wife. No one would respect him, and quite right too.' 'Then are all the other thirteen alive?' asked Anthea. 'Of course they are--poor mean-spirited things! I don't associate with them, of course, I am the Queen: they're only the wives.' 'I see,' said Anthea, gasping. 'But oh, my dears,' the Queen went on, 'such a to-do as there's been about this last wife! You never did! It really was TOO funny. We wanted an Egyptian princess. The King may-he-live-for-ever has got a wife from most of the important nations, and he had set his heart on an Egyptian one to complete his collection. Well, of course, to begin with, we sent a handsome present of gold. The Egyptian king sent back some horses--quite a few; he's fearfully stingy!--and he said he liked the gold very much, but what they were really short of was lapis lazuli, so of course we sent him some. But by that time he'd begun to use the gold to cover the beams of the roof of the Temple of the Sun-God, and he hadn't nearly enough to finish the job, so we sent some more. And so it went on, oh, for years. You see each journey takes at least six months. And at last we asked the hand of his daughter in marriage.' 'Yes, and then?' said Anthea, who wanted to get to the princess part of the story. 'Well, then,' said the Queen, 'when he'd got everything out of us that he could, and only given the meanest presents in return, he sent to say he would esteem the honour of an alliance very highly, only unfortunately he hadn't any daughter, but he hoped one would be born soon, and if so, she should certainly be reserved for the King of Babylon!' 'What a trick!' said Cyril. 'Yes, wasn't it? So then we said his sister would do, and then there were more gifts and more journeys; and now at last the tiresome, black-haired thing is coming, and the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone seven days' journey to meet her at Carchemish. And he's gone in his best chariot, the one inlaid with lapis lazuli and gold, with the gold-plated wheels and onyx-studded hubs--much too great an honour in my opinion. She'll be here tonight; there'll be a grand banquet to celebrate her arrival. SHE won't be present, of course. She'll be having her baths and her anointings, and all that sort of thing. We always clean our foreign brides very carefully. It takes two or three weeks. Now it's dinnertime, and you shall eat with me, for I can see that you are of high rank.' She led them into a dark, cool hall, with many cushions on the floor. On these they sat and low tables were brought--beautiful tables of smooth, blue stone mounted in gold. On these, golden trays were placed; but there were no knives, or forks, or spoons. The children expected the Queen to call for them; but no. She just ate with her fingers, and as the first dish was a great tray of boiled corn, and meat and raisins all mixed up together, and melted fat poured all over the tray, it was found difficult to follow her example with anything like what we are used to think of as good table manners. There were stewed quinces afterwards, and dates in syrup, and thick yellowy cream. It was the kind of dinner you hardly ever get in Fitzroy Street. After dinner everybody went to sleep, even the children. The Queen awoke with a start. 'Good gracious!' she cried, 'what a time we've slept! I must rush off and dress for the banquet. I shan't have much more than time.' 'Hasn't Ritti-Marduk got back with our sister and the Psammead yet?' Anthea asked. 'I QUITE forgot to ask. I'm sorry,' said the Queen. 'And of course they wouldn't announce her unless I told them to, except during justice hours. I expect she's waiting outside. I'll see.' Ritti-Marduk came in a moment later. 'I regret,' he said, 'that I have been unable to find your sister. The beast she bears with her in a basket has bitten the child of the guard, and your sister and the beast set out to come to you. The police say they have a clue. No doubt we shall have news of her in a few weeks.' He bowed and withdrew. The horror of this threefold loss--Jane, the Psammead, and the Amulet--gave the children something to talk about while the Queen was dressing. I shall not report their conversation; it was very gloomy. Everyone repeated himself several times, and the discussion ended in each of them blaming the other two for having let Jane go. You know the sort of talk it was, don't you? At last Cyril said-- 'After all, she's with the Psammead, so SHE'S all right. The Psammead is jolly careful of itself too. And it isn't as if we were in any danger. Let's try to buck up and enjoy the banquet.' They did enjoy the banquet. They had a beautiful bath, which was delicious, were heavily oiled all over, including their hair, and that was most unpleasant. Then, they dressed again and were presented to the King, who was most affable. The banquet was long; there were all sorts of nice things to eat, and everybody seemed to eat and drink a good deal. Everyone lay on cushions and couches, ladies on one side and gentlemen on the other; and after the eating was done each lady went and sat by some gentleman, who seemed to be her sweetheart or her husband, for they were very affectionate to each other. The Court dresses had gold threads woven in them, very bright and beautiful. The middle of the room was left clear, and different people came and did amusing things. There were conjurers and jugglers and snake-charmers, which last Anthea did not like at all. When it got dark torches were lighted. Cedar splinters dipped in oil blazed in copper dishes set high on poles. Then there was a dancer, who hardly danced at all, only just struck attitudes. She had hardly any clothes, and was not at all pretty. The children were rather bored by her, but everyone else was delighted, including the King. 'By the beard of Nimrod!' he cried, 'ask what you like girl, and you shall have it!' 'I want nothing,' said the dancer; 'the honour of having pleased the King may-he-live-for-ever is reward enough for me.' And the King was so pleased with this modest and sensible reply that he gave her the gold collar off his own neck. 'I say!' said Cyril, awed by the magnificence of the gift. 'It's all right,' whispered the Queen, 'it's not his best collar by any means. We always keep a stock of cheap jewellery for these occasions. And now--you promised to sing us something. Would you like my minstrels to accompany you?' 'No, thank you,' said Anthea quickly. The minstrels had been playing off and on all the time, and their music reminded Anthea of the band she and the others had once had on the fifth of November--with penny horns, a tin whistle, a tea-tray, the tongs, a policeman's rattle, and a toy drum. They had enjoyed this band very much at the time. But it was quite different when someone else was making the same kind of music. Anthea understood now that Father had not been really heartless and unreasonable when he had told them to stop that infuriating din. 'What shall we sing?' Cyril was asking. 'Sweet and low?' suggested Anthea. 'Too soft--I vote for "Who will o'er the downs". Now then--one, two, three. 'Oh, who will o'er the downs so free, Oh, who will with me ride, Oh, who will up and follow me, To win a blooming bride? Her father he has locked the door, Her mother keeps the key; But neither bolt nor bar shall keep My own true love from me.' Jane, the alto, was missing, and Robert, unlike the mother of the lady in the song, never could 'keep the key', but the song, even so, was sufficiently unlike anything any of them had ever heard to rouse the Babylonian Court to the wildest enthusiasm. 'More, more,' cried the King; 'by my beard, this savage music is a new thing. Sing again!' So they sang: 'I saw her bower at twilight gray, 'Twas guarded safe and sure. I saw her bower at break of day, 'Twas guarded then no more. The varlets they were all asleep, And there was none to see The greeting fair that passed there Between my love and me.' Shouts of applause greeted the ending of the verse, and the King would not be satisfied till they had sung all their part-songs (they only knew three) twice over, and ended up with 'Men of Harlech' in unison. Then the King stood up in his royal robes with his high, narrow crown on his head and shouted-- 'By the beak of Nisroch, ask what you will, strangers from the land where the sun never sets!' 'We ought to say it's enough honour, like the dancer did,' whispered Anthea. 'No, let's ask for IT,' said Robert. 'No, no, I'm sure the other's manners,' said Anthea. But Robert, who was excited by the music, and the flaring torches, and the applause and the opportunity, spoke up before the others could stop him. 'Give us the half of the Amulet that has on it the name UR HEKAU SETCHEH,' he said, adding as an afterthought, 'O King, live-for-ever.' As he spoke the great name those in the pillared hall fell on their faces, and lay still. All but the Queen who crouched amid her cushions with her head in her hands, and the King, who stood upright, perfectly still, like the statue of a king in stone. It was only for a moment though. Then his great voice thundered out-- 'Guard, seize them!' Instantly, from nowhere as it seemed, sprang eight soldiers in bright armour inlaid with gold, and tunics of red and white. Very splendid they were, and very alarming. 'Impious and sacrilegious wretches!' shouted the King. 'To the dungeons with them! We will find a way, tomorrow, to make them speak. For without doubt they can tell us where to find the lost half of It.' A wall of scarlet and white and steel and gold closed up round the children and hurried them away among the many pillars of the great hall. As they went they heard the voices of the courtiers loud in horror. 'You've done it this time,' said Cyril with extreme bitterness. 'Oh, it will come right. It MUST. It always does,' said Anthea desperately. They could not see where they were going, because the guard surrounded them so closely, but the ground under their feet, smooth marble at first, grew rougher like stone, then it was loose earth and sand, and they felt the night air. Then there was more stone, and steps down. 'It's my belief we really ARE going to the deepest dungeon below the castle moat this time,' said Cyril. And they were. At least it was not below a moat, but below the river Euphrates, which was just as bad if not worse. In a most unpleasant place it was. Dark, very, very damp, and with an odd, musty smell rather like the shells of oysters. There was a torch--that is to say, a copper basket on a high stick with oiled wood burning in it. By its light the children saw that the walls were green, and that trickles of water ran down them and dripped from the roof. There were things on the floor that looked like newts, and in the dark corners creepy, shiny things moved sluggishly, uneasily, horribly. Robert's heart sank right into those really reliable boots of his. Anthea and Cyril each had a private struggle with that inside disagreeableness which is part of all of us, and which is sometimes called the Old Adam--and both were victors. Neither of them said to Robert (and both tried hard not even to think it), 'This is YOUR doing.' Anthea had the additional temptation to add, 'I told you so.' And she resisted it successfully. 'Sacrilege, and impious cheek,' said the captain of the guard to the gaoler. 'To be kept during the King's pleasure. I expect he means to get some pleasure out of them tomorrow! He'll tickle them up!' 'Poor little kids,' said the gaoler. 'Oh, yes,' said the captain. 'I've got kids of my own too. But it doesn't do to let domestic sentiment interfere with one's public duties. Good night.' The soldiers tramped heavily off in their white and red and steel and gold. The gaoler, with a bunch of big keys in his hand, stood looking pityingly at the children. He shook his head twice and went out. 'Courage!' said Anthea. 'I know it will be all right. It's only a dream REALLY, you know. It MUST be! I don't believe about time being only a something or other of thought. It IS a dream, and we're bound to wake up all right and safe.' 'Humph,' said Cyril bitterly. And Robert suddenly said-- 'It's all my doing. If it really IS all up do please not keep a down on me about it, and tell Father--Oh, I forgot.' What he had forgotten was that his father was 3,000 miles and 5,000 or more years away from him. 'All right, Bobs, old man,' said Cyril; and Anthea got hold of Robert's hand and squeezed it. Then the gaoler came back with a platter of hard, flat cakes made of coarse grain, very different from the cream-and-juicy-date feasts of the palace; also a pitcher of water. 'There,' he said. 'Oh, thank you so very much. You ARE kind,' said Anthea feverishly. 'Go to sleep,' said the gaoler, pointing to a heap of straw in a corner; 'tomorrow comes soon enough.' 'Oh, dear Mr Gaoler,' said Anthea, 'whatever will they do to us tomorrow?' 'They'll try to make you tell things,' said the gaoler grimly, 'and my advice is if you've nothing to tell, make up something. Then perhaps they'll sell you to the Northern nations. Regular savages THEY are. Good night.' 'Good night,' said three trembling voices, which their owners strove in vain to render firm. Then he went out, and the three were left alone in the damp, dim vault. 'I know the light won't last long,' said Cyril, looking at the flickering brazier. 'Is it any good, do you think, calling on the name when we haven't got the charm?' suggested Anthea. 'I shouldn't think so. But we might try.' So they tried. But the blank silence of the damp dungeon remained unchanged. 'What was the name the Queen said?' asked Cyril suddenly. 'Nisbeth--Nesbit--something? You know, the slave of the great names?' 'Wait a sec,' said Robert, 'though I | then | How many times the word 'then' appears in the text? | 2 |
woman and said, 'You'll take me home with you, won't you? And let me play with your little girls till the others have done with the Queen.' 'Surely I will, little heart!' said the woman. And then Anthea hurriedly stroked the Psammead and embraced Jane, who took the woman's hand, and trotted contentedly away with the Psammead's bag under the other arm. The others stood looking after her till she, the woman, and the basket were lost in the many-coloured crowd. Then Anthea turned once more to the palace's magnificent doorway and said-- 'Let's ask the porter to take care of our Babylonian overcoats.' So they took off the garments that the woman had lent them and stood amid the jostling petitioners of the Queen in their own English frocks and coats and hats and boots. 'We want to see the Queen,' said Cyril; 'we come from the far Empire where the sun never sets!' A murmur of surprise and a thrill of excitement ran through the crowd. The door-porter spoke to a black man, he spoke to someone else. There was a whispering, waiting pause. Then a big man, with a cleanly-shaven face, beckoned them from the top of a flight of red marble steps. They went up; the boots of Robert clattering more than usual because he was so nervous. A door swung open, a curtain was drawn back. A double line of bowing forms in gorgeous raiment formed a lane that led to the steps of the throne, and as the children advanced hurriedly there came from the throne a voice very sweet and kind. 'Three children from the land where the sun never sets! Let them draw hither without fear.' In another minute they were kneeling at the throne's foot, saying, 'O Queen, live for ever!' exactly as the woman had taught them. And a splendid dream-lady, all gold and silver and jewels and snowy drift of veils, was raising Anthea, and saying-- 'Don't be frightened, I really am SO glad you came! The land where the sun never sets! I am delighted to see you! I was getting quite too dreadfully bored for anything!' And behind Anthea the kneeling Cyril whispered in the ears of the respectful Robert-- 'Bobs, don't say anything to Panther. It's no use upsetting her, but we didn't ask for Jane's address, and the Psammead's with her.' 'Well,' whispered Robert, 'the charm can bring them to us at any moment. IT said so.' 'Oh, yes,' whispered Cyril, in miserable derision, 'WE'RE all right, of course. So we are! Oh, yes! If we'd only GOT the charm.' Then Robert saw, and he murmured, 'Crikey!' at the foot of the throne of Babylon; while Cyril hoarsely whispered the plain English fact-- 'Jane's got the charm round her neck, you silly cuckoo.' 'Crikey!' Robert repeated in heart-broken undertones. CHAPTER 7. 'THE DEEPEST DUNGEON BELOW THE CASTLE MOAT' The Queen threw three of the red and gold embroidered cushions off the throne on to the marble steps that led up to it. 'Just make yourselves comfortable there,' she said. 'I'm simply dying to talk to you, and to hear all about your wonderful country and how you got here, and everything, but I have to do justice every morning. Such a bore, isn't it? Do you do justice in your own country?' 'No, said Cyril; 'at least of course we try to, but not in this public sort of way, only in private.' 'Ah, yes,' said the Queen, 'I should much prefer a private audience myself--much easier to manage. But public opinion has to be considered. Doing justice is very hard work, even when you're brought up to it.' 'We don't do justice, but we have to do scales, Jane and me,' said Anthea, 'twenty minutes a day. It's simply horrid.' 'What are scales?' asked the Queen, 'and what is Jane?' 'Jane is my little sister. One of the guards-at-the-gate's wife is taking care of her. And scales are music.' 'I never heard of the instrument,' said the Queen. 'Do you sing?' 'Oh, yes. We can sing in parts,' said Anthea. 'That IS magic,' said the Queen. 'How many parts are you each cut into before you do it?' 'We aren't cut at all,' said Robert hastily. 'We couldn't sing if we were. We'll show you afterwards.' 'So you shall, and now sit quiet like dear children and hear me do justice. The way I do it has always been admired. I oughtn't to say that ought I? Sounds so conceited. But I don't mind with you, dears. Somehow I feel as though I'd known you quite a long time already.' The Queen settled herself on her throne and made a signal to her attendants. The children, whispering together among the cushions on the steps of the throne, decided that she was very beautiful and very kind, but perhaps just the least bit flighty. The first person who came to ask for justice was a woman whose brother had taken the money the father had left for her. The brother said it was the uncle who had the money. There was a good deal of talk and the children were growing rather bored, when the Queen suddenly clapped her hands, and said-- 'Put both the men in prison till one of them owns up that the other is innocent.' 'But suppose they both did it?' Cyril could not help interrupting. 'Then prison's the best place for them,' said the Queen. 'But suppose neither did it.' 'That's impossible,' said the Queen; 'a thing's not done unless someone does it. And you mustn't interrupt.' Then came a woman, in tears, with a torn veil and real ashes on her head--at least Anthea thought so, but it may have been only road-dust. She complained that her husband was in prison. 'What for?' said the Queen. 'They SAID it was for speaking evil of your Majesty,' said the woman, 'but it wasn't. Someone had a spite against him. That was what it was.' 'How do you know he hadn't spoken evil of me?' said the Queen. 'No one could,' said the woman simply, 'when they'd once seen your beautiful face.' 'Let the man out,' said the Queen, smiling. 'Next case.' The next case was that of a boy who had stolen a fox. 'Like the Spartan boy,' whispered Robert. But the Queen ruled that nobody could have any possible reason for owning a fox, and still less for stealing one. And she did not believe that there were any foxes in Babylon; she, at any rate, had never seen one. So the boy was released. The people came to the Queen about all sorts of family quarrels and neighbourly misunderstandings--from a fight between brothers over the division of an inheritance, to the dishonest and unfriendly conduct of a woman who had borrowed a cooking-pot at the last New Year's festival, and not returned it yet. And the Queen decided everything, very, very decidedly indeed. At last she clapped her hands quite suddenly and with extreme loudness, and said-- 'The audience is over for today.' Everyone said, 'May the Queen live for ever!' and went out. And the children were left alone in the justice-hall with the Queen of Babylon and her ladies. 'There!' said the Queen, with a long sigh of relief. 'THAT'S over! I couldn't have done another stitch of justice if you'd offered me the crown of Egypt! Now come into the garden, and we'll have a nice, long, cosy talk.' She led them through long, narrow corridors whose walls they somehow felt, were very, very thick, into a sort of garden courtyard. There were thick shrubs closely planted, and roses were trained over trellises, and made a pleasant shade--needed, indeed, for already the sun was as hot as it is in England in August at the seaside. Slaves spread cushions on a low, marble terrace, and a big man with a smooth face served cool drink in cups of gold studded with beryls. He drank a little from the Queen's cup before handing it to her. 'That's rather a nasty trick,' whispered Robert, who had been carefully taught never to drink out of one of the nice, shiny, metal cups that are chained to the London drinking fountains without first rinsing it out thoroughly. The Queen overheard him. 'Not at all,' said she. 'Ritti-Marduk is a very clean man. And one has to have SOME ONE as taster, you know, because of poison.' The word made the children feel rather creepy; but Ritti-Marduk had tasted all the cups, so they felt pretty safe. The drink was delicious--very cold, and tasting like lemonade and partly like penny ices. 'Leave us,' said the Queen. And all the Court ladies, in their beautiful, many-folded, many-coloured, fringed dresses, filed out slowly, and the children were left alone with the Queen. 'Now,' she said, 'tell me all about yourselves.' They looked at each other. 'You, Bobs,' said Cyril. 'No--Anthea,' said Robert. 'No--you--Cyril,' said Anthea. 'Don't you remember how pleased the Queen of India was when you told her all about us?' Cyril muttered that it was all very well, and so it was. For when he had told the tale of the Phoenix and the Carpet to the Ranee, it had been only the truth--and all the truth that he had to tell. But now it was not easy to tell a convincing story without mentioning the Amulet--which, of course, it wouldn't have done to mention--and without owning that they were really living in London, about 2,500 years later than the time they were talking in. Cyril took refuge in the tale of the Psammead and its wonderful power of making wishes come true. The children had never been able to tell anyone before, and Cyril was surprised to find that the spell which kept them silent in London did not work here. 'Something to do with our being in the Past, I suppose,' he said to himself. 'This is MOST interesting,' said the Queen. 'We must have this Psammead for the banquet tonight. Its performance will be one of the most popular turns in the whole programme. Where is it?' Anthea explained that they did not know; also why it was that they did not know. 'Oh, THAT'S quite simple,' said the Queen, and everyone breathed a deep sigh of relief as she said it. 'Ritti-Marduk shall run down to the gates and find out which guard your sister went home with.' 'Might he'--Anthea's voice was tremulous--'might he--would it interfere with his meal-times, or anything like that, if he went NOW?' 'Of course he shall go now. He may think himself lucky if he gets his meals at any time,' said the Queen heartily, and clapped her hands. 'May I send a letter?' asked Cyril, pulling out a red-backed penny account-book, and feeling in his pockets for a stump of pencil that he knew was in one of them. 'By all means. I'll call my scribe.' 'Oh, I can scribe right enough, thanks,' said Cyril, finding the pencil and licking its point. He even had to bite the wood a little, for it was very blunt. 'Oh, you clever, clever boy!' said the Queen. 'DO let me watch you do it!' Cyril wrote on a leaf of the book--it was of rough, woolly paper, with hairs that stuck out and would have got in his pen if he had been using one, and ruled for accounts. 'Hide IT most carefully before you come here,' he wrote, 'and don't mention it--and destroy this letter. Everything is going A1. The Queen is a fair treat. There's nothing to be afraid of.' 'What curious characters, and what a strange flat surface!' said the Queen. 'What have you inscribed?' 'I've 'scribed,' replied Cyril cautiously, 'that you are fair, and a--and like a--like a festival; and that she need not be afraid, and that she is to come at once.' Ritti-Marduk, who had come in and had stood waiting while Cyril wrote, his Babylonish eyes nearly starting out of his Babylonish head, now took the letter, with some reluctance. 'O Queen, live for ever! Is it a charm?' he timidly asked. 'A strong charm, most great lady?' 'YES,' said Robert, unexpectedly, 'it IS a charm, but it won't hurt anyone until you've given it to Jane. And then she'll destroy it, so that it CAN'T hurt anyone. It's most awful strong!--as strong as--Peppermint!' he ended abruptly. 'I know not the god,' said Ritti-Marduk, bending timorously. 'She'll tear it up directly she gets it,' said Robert, 'That'll end the charm. You needn't be afraid if you go now.' Ritti-Marduk went, seeming only partly satisfied; and then the Queen began to admire the penny account-book and the bit of pencil in so marked and significant a way that Cyril felt he could not do less than press them upon her as a gift. She ruffled the leaves delightedly. 'What a wonderful substance!' she said. 'And with this style you make charms? Make a charm for me! Do you know,' her voice sank to a whisper, 'the names of the great ones of your own far country?' 'Rather!' said Cyril, and hastily wrote the names of Alfred the Great, Shakespeare, Nelson, Gordon, Lord Beaconsfield, Mr Rudyard Kipling, and Mr Sherlock Holmes, while the Queen watched him with 'unbaited breath', as Anthea said afterwards. She took the book and hid it reverently among the bright folds of her gown. 'You shall teach me later to say the great names,' she said. 'And the names of their Ministers--perhaps the great Nisroch is one of them?' 'I don't think so,' said Cyril. 'Mr Campbell Bannerman's Prime Minister and Mr Burns a Minister, and so is the Archbishop of Canterbury, I think, but I'm not sure--and Dr Parker was one, I know, and--' 'No more,' said the Queen, putting her hands to her ears. 'My head's going round with all those great names. You shall teach them to me later--because of course you'll make us a nice long visit now you have come, won't you? Now tell me--but no, I am quite tired out with your being so clever. Besides, I'm sure you'd like ME to tell YOU something, wouldn't you?' 'Yes,' said Anthea. 'I want to know how it is that the King has gone--' 'Excuse me, but you should say "the King may-he-live-for-ever",' said the Queen gently. 'I beg your pardon,' Anthea hastened to say--'the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone to fetch home his fourteenth wife? I don't think even Bluebeard had as many as that. And, besides, he hasn't killed YOU at any rate.' The Queen looked bewildered. 'She means,' explained Robert, 'that English kings only have one wife--at least, Henry the Eighth had seven or eight, but not all at once.' 'In our country,' said the Queen scornfully, 'a king would not reign a day who had only one wife. No one would respect him, and quite right too.' 'Then are all the other thirteen alive?' asked Anthea. 'Of course they are--poor mean-spirited things! I don't associate with them, of course, I am the Queen: they're only the wives.' 'I see,' said Anthea, gasping. 'But oh, my dears,' the Queen went on, 'such a to-do as there's been about this last wife! You never did! It really was TOO funny. We wanted an Egyptian princess. The King may-he-live-for-ever has got a wife from most of the important nations, and he had set his heart on an Egyptian one to complete his collection. Well, of course, to begin with, we sent a handsome present of gold. The Egyptian king sent back some horses--quite a few; he's fearfully stingy!--and he said he liked the gold very much, but what they were really short of was lapis lazuli, so of course we sent him some. But by that time he'd begun to use the gold to cover the beams of the roof of the Temple of the Sun-God, and he hadn't nearly enough to finish the job, so we sent some more. And so it went on, oh, for years. You see each journey takes at least six months. And at last we asked the hand of his daughter in marriage.' 'Yes, and then?' said Anthea, who wanted to get to the princess part of the story. 'Well, then,' said the Queen, 'when he'd got everything out of us that he could, and only given the meanest presents in return, he sent to say he would esteem the honour of an alliance very highly, only unfortunately he hadn't any daughter, but he hoped one would be born soon, and if so, she should certainly be reserved for the King of Babylon!' 'What a trick!' said Cyril. 'Yes, wasn't it? So then we said his sister would do, and then there were more gifts and more journeys; and now at last the tiresome, black-haired thing is coming, and the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone seven days' journey to meet her at Carchemish. And he's gone in his best chariot, the one inlaid with lapis lazuli and gold, with the gold-plated wheels and onyx-studded hubs--much too great an honour in my opinion. She'll be here tonight; there'll be a grand banquet to celebrate her arrival. SHE won't be present, of course. She'll be having her baths and her anointings, and all that sort of thing. We always clean our foreign brides very carefully. It takes two or three weeks. Now it's dinnertime, and you shall eat with me, for I can see that you are of high rank.' She led them into a dark, cool hall, with many cushions on the floor. On these they sat and low tables were brought--beautiful tables of smooth, blue stone mounted in gold. On these, golden trays were placed; but there were no knives, or forks, or spoons. The children expected the Queen to call for them; but no. She just ate with her fingers, and as the first dish was a great tray of boiled corn, and meat and raisins all mixed up together, and melted fat poured all over the tray, it was found difficult to follow her example with anything like what we are used to think of as good table manners. There were stewed quinces afterwards, and dates in syrup, and thick yellowy cream. It was the kind of dinner you hardly ever get in Fitzroy Street. After dinner everybody went to sleep, even the children. The Queen awoke with a start. 'Good gracious!' she cried, 'what a time we've slept! I must rush off and dress for the banquet. I shan't have much more than time.' 'Hasn't Ritti-Marduk got back with our sister and the Psammead yet?' Anthea asked. 'I QUITE forgot to ask. I'm sorry,' said the Queen. 'And of course they wouldn't announce her unless I told them to, except during justice hours. I expect she's waiting outside. I'll see.' Ritti-Marduk came in a moment later. 'I regret,' he said, 'that I have been unable to find your sister. The beast she bears with her in a basket has bitten the child of the guard, and your sister and the beast set out to come to you. The police say they have a clue. No doubt we shall have news of her in a few weeks.' He bowed and withdrew. The horror of this threefold loss--Jane, the Psammead, and the Amulet--gave the children something to talk about while the Queen was dressing. I shall not report their conversation; it was very gloomy. Everyone repeated himself several times, and the discussion ended in each of them blaming the other two for having let Jane go. You know the sort of talk it was, don't you? At last Cyril said-- 'After all, she's with the Psammead, so SHE'S all right. The Psammead is jolly careful of itself too. And it isn't as if we were in any danger. Let's try to buck up and enjoy the banquet.' They did enjoy the banquet. They had a beautiful bath, which was delicious, were heavily oiled all over, including their hair, and that was most unpleasant. Then, they dressed again and were presented to the King, who was most affable. The banquet was long; there were all sorts of nice things to eat, and everybody seemed to eat and drink a good deal. Everyone lay on cushions and couches, ladies on one side and gentlemen on the other; and after the eating was done each lady went and sat by some gentleman, who seemed to be her sweetheart or her husband, for they were very affectionate to each other. The Court dresses had gold threads woven in them, very bright and beautiful. The middle of the room was left clear, and different people came and did amusing things. There were conjurers and jugglers and snake-charmers, which last Anthea did not like at all. When it got dark torches were lighted. Cedar splinters dipped in oil blazed in copper dishes set high on poles. Then there was a dancer, who hardly danced at all, only just struck attitudes. She had hardly any clothes, and was not at all pretty. The children were rather bored by her, but everyone else was delighted, including the King. 'By the beard of Nimrod!' he cried, 'ask what you like girl, and you shall have it!' 'I want nothing,' said the dancer; 'the honour of having pleased the King may-he-live-for-ever is reward enough for me.' And the King was so pleased with this modest and sensible reply that he gave her the gold collar off his own neck. 'I say!' said Cyril, awed by the magnificence of the gift. 'It's all right,' whispered the Queen, 'it's not his best collar by any means. We always keep a stock of cheap jewellery for these occasions. And now--you promised to sing us something. Would you like my minstrels to accompany you?' 'No, thank you,' said Anthea quickly. The minstrels had been playing off and on all the time, and their music reminded Anthea of the band she and the others had once had on the fifth of November--with penny horns, a tin whistle, a tea-tray, the tongs, a policeman's rattle, and a toy drum. They had enjoyed this band very much at the time. But it was quite different when someone else was making the same kind of music. Anthea understood now that Father had not been really heartless and unreasonable when he had told them to stop that infuriating din. 'What shall we sing?' Cyril was asking. 'Sweet and low?' suggested Anthea. 'Too soft--I vote for "Who will o'er the downs". Now then--one, two, three. 'Oh, who will o'er the downs so free, Oh, who will with me ride, Oh, who will up and follow me, To win a blooming bride? Her father he has locked the door, Her mother keeps the key; But neither bolt nor bar shall keep My own true love from me.' Jane, the alto, was missing, and Robert, unlike the mother of the lady in the song, never could 'keep the key', but the song, even so, was sufficiently unlike anything any of them had ever heard to rouse the Babylonian Court to the wildest enthusiasm. 'More, more,' cried the King; 'by my beard, this savage music is a new thing. Sing again!' So they sang: 'I saw her bower at twilight gray, 'Twas guarded safe and sure. I saw her bower at break of day, 'Twas guarded then no more. The varlets they were all asleep, And there was none to see The greeting fair that passed there Between my love and me.' Shouts of applause greeted the ending of the verse, and the King would not be satisfied till they had sung all their part-songs (they only knew three) twice over, and ended up with 'Men of Harlech' in unison. Then the King stood up in his royal robes with his high, narrow crown on his head and shouted-- 'By the beak of Nisroch, ask what you will, strangers from the land where the sun never sets!' 'We ought to say it's enough honour, like the dancer did,' whispered Anthea. 'No, let's ask for IT,' said Robert. 'No, no, I'm sure the other's manners,' said Anthea. But Robert, who was excited by the music, and the flaring torches, and the applause and the opportunity, spoke up before the others could stop him. 'Give us the half of the Amulet that has on it the name UR HEKAU SETCHEH,' he said, adding as an afterthought, 'O King, live-for-ever.' As he spoke the great name those in the pillared hall fell on their faces, and lay still. All but the Queen who crouched amid her cushions with her head in her hands, and the King, who stood upright, perfectly still, like the statue of a king in stone. It was only for a moment though. Then his great voice thundered out-- 'Guard, seize them!' Instantly, from nowhere as it seemed, sprang eight soldiers in bright armour inlaid with gold, and tunics of red and white. Very splendid they were, and very alarming. 'Impious and sacrilegious wretches!' shouted the King. 'To the dungeons with them! We will find a way, tomorrow, to make them speak. For without doubt they can tell us where to find the lost half of It.' A wall of scarlet and white and steel and gold closed up round the children and hurried them away among the many pillars of the great hall. As they went they heard the voices of the courtiers loud in horror. 'You've done it this time,' said Cyril with extreme bitterness. 'Oh, it will come right. It MUST. It always does,' said Anthea desperately. They could not see where they were going, because the guard surrounded them so closely, but the ground under their feet, smooth marble at first, grew rougher like stone, then it was loose earth and sand, and they felt the night air. Then there was more stone, and steps down. 'It's my belief we really ARE going to the deepest dungeon below the castle moat this time,' said Cyril. And they were. At least it was not below a moat, but below the river Euphrates, which was just as bad if not worse. In a most unpleasant place it was. Dark, very, very damp, and with an odd, musty smell rather like the shells of oysters. There was a torch--that is to say, a copper basket on a high stick with oiled wood burning in it. By its light the children saw that the walls were green, and that trickles of water ran down them and dripped from the roof. There were things on the floor that looked like newts, and in the dark corners creepy, shiny things moved sluggishly, uneasily, horribly. Robert's heart sank right into those really reliable boots of his. Anthea and Cyril each had a private struggle with that inside disagreeableness which is part of all of us, and which is sometimes called the Old Adam--and both were victors. Neither of them said to Robert (and both tried hard not even to think it), 'This is YOUR doing.' Anthea had the additional temptation to add, 'I told you so.' And she resisted it successfully. 'Sacrilege, and impious cheek,' said the captain of the guard to the gaoler. 'To be kept during the King's pleasure. I expect he means to get some pleasure out of them tomorrow! He'll tickle them up!' 'Poor little kids,' said the gaoler. 'Oh, yes,' said the captain. 'I've got kids of my own too. But it doesn't do to let domestic sentiment interfere with one's public duties. Good night.' The soldiers tramped heavily off in their white and red and steel and gold. The gaoler, with a bunch of big keys in his hand, stood looking pityingly at the children. He shook his head twice and went out. 'Courage!' said Anthea. 'I know it will be all right. It's only a dream REALLY, you know. It MUST be! I don't believe about time being only a something or other of thought. It IS a dream, and we're bound to wake up all right and safe.' 'Humph,' said Cyril bitterly. And Robert suddenly said-- 'It's all my doing. If it really IS all up do please not keep a down on me about it, and tell Father--Oh, I forgot.' What he had forgotten was that his father was 3,000 miles and 5,000 or more years away from him. 'All right, Bobs, old man,' said Cyril; and Anthea got hold of Robert's hand and squeezed it. Then the gaoler came back with a platter of hard, flat cakes made of coarse grain, very different from the cream-and-juicy-date feasts of the palace; also a pitcher of water. 'There,' he said. 'Oh, thank you so very much. You ARE kind,' said Anthea feverishly. 'Go to sleep,' said the gaoler, pointing to a heap of straw in a corner; 'tomorrow comes soon enough.' 'Oh, dear Mr Gaoler,' said Anthea, 'whatever will they do to us tomorrow?' 'They'll try to make you tell things,' said the gaoler grimly, 'and my advice is if you've nothing to tell, make up something. Then perhaps they'll sell you to the Northern nations. Regular savages THEY are. Good night.' 'Good night,' said three trembling voices, which their owners strove in vain to render firm. Then he went out, and the three were left alone in the damp, dim vault. 'I know the light won't last long,' said Cyril, looking at the flickering brazier. 'Is it any good, do you think, calling on the name when we haven't got the charm?' suggested Anthea. 'I shouldn't think so. But we might try.' So they tried. But the blank silence of the damp dungeon remained unchanged. 'What was the name the Queen said?' asked Cyril suddenly. 'Nisbeth--Nesbit--something? You know, the slave of the great names?' 'Wait a sec,' said Robert, 'though I | shakespeare | How many times the word 'shakespeare' appears in the text? | 1 |
woman and said, 'You'll take me home with you, won't you? And let me play with your little girls till the others have done with the Queen.' 'Surely I will, little heart!' said the woman. And then Anthea hurriedly stroked the Psammead and embraced Jane, who took the woman's hand, and trotted contentedly away with the Psammead's bag under the other arm. The others stood looking after her till she, the woman, and the basket were lost in the many-coloured crowd. Then Anthea turned once more to the palace's magnificent doorway and said-- 'Let's ask the porter to take care of our Babylonian overcoats.' So they took off the garments that the woman had lent them and stood amid the jostling petitioners of the Queen in their own English frocks and coats and hats and boots. 'We want to see the Queen,' said Cyril; 'we come from the far Empire where the sun never sets!' A murmur of surprise and a thrill of excitement ran through the crowd. The door-porter spoke to a black man, he spoke to someone else. There was a whispering, waiting pause. Then a big man, with a cleanly-shaven face, beckoned them from the top of a flight of red marble steps. They went up; the boots of Robert clattering more than usual because he was so nervous. A door swung open, a curtain was drawn back. A double line of bowing forms in gorgeous raiment formed a lane that led to the steps of the throne, and as the children advanced hurriedly there came from the throne a voice very sweet and kind. 'Three children from the land where the sun never sets! Let them draw hither without fear.' In another minute they were kneeling at the throne's foot, saying, 'O Queen, live for ever!' exactly as the woman had taught them. And a splendid dream-lady, all gold and silver and jewels and snowy drift of veils, was raising Anthea, and saying-- 'Don't be frightened, I really am SO glad you came! The land where the sun never sets! I am delighted to see you! I was getting quite too dreadfully bored for anything!' And behind Anthea the kneeling Cyril whispered in the ears of the respectful Robert-- 'Bobs, don't say anything to Panther. It's no use upsetting her, but we didn't ask for Jane's address, and the Psammead's with her.' 'Well,' whispered Robert, 'the charm can bring them to us at any moment. IT said so.' 'Oh, yes,' whispered Cyril, in miserable derision, 'WE'RE all right, of course. So we are! Oh, yes! If we'd only GOT the charm.' Then Robert saw, and he murmured, 'Crikey!' at the foot of the throne of Babylon; while Cyril hoarsely whispered the plain English fact-- 'Jane's got the charm round her neck, you silly cuckoo.' 'Crikey!' Robert repeated in heart-broken undertones. CHAPTER 7. 'THE DEEPEST DUNGEON BELOW THE CASTLE MOAT' The Queen threw three of the red and gold embroidered cushions off the throne on to the marble steps that led up to it. 'Just make yourselves comfortable there,' she said. 'I'm simply dying to talk to you, and to hear all about your wonderful country and how you got here, and everything, but I have to do justice every morning. Such a bore, isn't it? Do you do justice in your own country?' 'No, said Cyril; 'at least of course we try to, but not in this public sort of way, only in private.' 'Ah, yes,' said the Queen, 'I should much prefer a private audience myself--much easier to manage. But public opinion has to be considered. Doing justice is very hard work, even when you're brought up to it.' 'We don't do justice, but we have to do scales, Jane and me,' said Anthea, 'twenty minutes a day. It's simply horrid.' 'What are scales?' asked the Queen, 'and what is Jane?' 'Jane is my little sister. One of the guards-at-the-gate's wife is taking care of her. And scales are music.' 'I never heard of the instrument,' said the Queen. 'Do you sing?' 'Oh, yes. We can sing in parts,' said Anthea. 'That IS magic,' said the Queen. 'How many parts are you each cut into before you do it?' 'We aren't cut at all,' said Robert hastily. 'We couldn't sing if we were. We'll show you afterwards.' 'So you shall, and now sit quiet like dear children and hear me do justice. The way I do it has always been admired. I oughtn't to say that ought I? Sounds so conceited. But I don't mind with you, dears. Somehow I feel as though I'd known you quite a long time already.' The Queen settled herself on her throne and made a signal to her attendants. The children, whispering together among the cushions on the steps of the throne, decided that she was very beautiful and very kind, but perhaps just the least bit flighty. The first person who came to ask for justice was a woman whose brother had taken the money the father had left for her. The brother said it was the uncle who had the money. There was a good deal of talk and the children were growing rather bored, when the Queen suddenly clapped her hands, and said-- 'Put both the men in prison till one of them owns up that the other is innocent.' 'But suppose they both did it?' Cyril could not help interrupting. 'Then prison's the best place for them,' said the Queen. 'But suppose neither did it.' 'That's impossible,' said the Queen; 'a thing's not done unless someone does it. And you mustn't interrupt.' Then came a woman, in tears, with a torn veil and real ashes on her head--at least Anthea thought so, but it may have been only road-dust. She complained that her husband was in prison. 'What for?' said the Queen. 'They SAID it was for speaking evil of your Majesty,' said the woman, 'but it wasn't. Someone had a spite against him. That was what it was.' 'How do you know he hadn't spoken evil of me?' said the Queen. 'No one could,' said the woman simply, 'when they'd once seen your beautiful face.' 'Let the man out,' said the Queen, smiling. 'Next case.' The next case was that of a boy who had stolen a fox. 'Like the Spartan boy,' whispered Robert. But the Queen ruled that nobody could have any possible reason for owning a fox, and still less for stealing one. And she did not believe that there were any foxes in Babylon; she, at any rate, had never seen one. So the boy was released. The people came to the Queen about all sorts of family quarrels and neighbourly misunderstandings--from a fight between brothers over the division of an inheritance, to the dishonest and unfriendly conduct of a woman who had borrowed a cooking-pot at the last New Year's festival, and not returned it yet. And the Queen decided everything, very, very decidedly indeed. At last she clapped her hands quite suddenly and with extreme loudness, and said-- 'The audience is over for today.' Everyone said, 'May the Queen live for ever!' and went out. And the children were left alone in the justice-hall with the Queen of Babylon and her ladies. 'There!' said the Queen, with a long sigh of relief. 'THAT'S over! I couldn't have done another stitch of justice if you'd offered me the crown of Egypt! Now come into the garden, and we'll have a nice, long, cosy talk.' She led them through long, narrow corridors whose walls they somehow felt, were very, very thick, into a sort of garden courtyard. There were thick shrubs closely planted, and roses were trained over trellises, and made a pleasant shade--needed, indeed, for already the sun was as hot as it is in England in August at the seaside. Slaves spread cushions on a low, marble terrace, and a big man with a smooth face served cool drink in cups of gold studded with beryls. He drank a little from the Queen's cup before handing it to her. 'That's rather a nasty trick,' whispered Robert, who had been carefully taught never to drink out of one of the nice, shiny, metal cups that are chained to the London drinking fountains without first rinsing it out thoroughly. The Queen overheard him. 'Not at all,' said she. 'Ritti-Marduk is a very clean man. And one has to have SOME ONE as taster, you know, because of poison.' The word made the children feel rather creepy; but Ritti-Marduk had tasted all the cups, so they felt pretty safe. The drink was delicious--very cold, and tasting like lemonade and partly like penny ices. 'Leave us,' said the Queen. And all the Court ladies, in their beautiful, many-folded, many-coloured, fringed dresses, filed out slowly, and the children were left alone with the Queen. 'Now,' she said, 'tell me all about yourselves.' They looked at each other. 'You, Bobs,' said Cyril. 'No--Anthea,' said Robert. 'No--you--Cyril,' said Anthea. 'Don't you remember how pleased the Queen of India was when you told her all about us?' Cyril muttered that it was all very well, and so it was. For when he had told the tale of the Phoenix and the Carpet to the Ranee, it had been only the truth--and all the truth that he had to tell. But now it was not easy to tell a convincing story without mentioning the Amulet--which, of course, it wouldn't have done to mention--and without owning that they were really living in London, about 2,500 years later than the time they were talking in. Cyril took refuge in the tale of the Psammead and its wonderful power of making wishes come true. The children had never been able to tell anyone before, and Cyril was surprised to find that the spell which kept them silent in London did not work here. 'Something to do with our being in the Past, I suppose,' he said to himself. 'This is MOST interesting,' said the Queen. 'We must have this Psammead for the banquet tonight. Its performance will be one of the most popular turns in the whole programme. Where is it?' Anthea explained that they did not know; also why it was that they did not know. 'Oh, THAT'S quite simple,' said the Queen, and everyone breathed a deep sigh of relief as she said it. 'Ritti-Marduk shall run down to the gates and find out which guard your sister went home with.' 'Might he'--Anthea's voice was tremulous--'might he--would it interfere with his meal-times, or anything like that, if he went NOW?' 'Of course he shall go now. He may think himself lucky if he gets his meals at any time,' said the Queen heartily, and clapped her hands. 'May I send a letter?' asked Cyril, pulling out a red-backed penny account-book, and feeling in his pockets for a stump of pencil that he knew was in one of them. 'By all means. I'll call my scribe.' 'Oh, I can scribe right enough, thanks,' said Cyril, finding the pencil and licking its point. He even had to bite the wood a little, for it was very blunt. 'Oh, you clever, clever boy!' said the Queen. 'DO let me watch you do it!' Cyril wrote on a leaf of the book--it was of rough, woolly paper, with hairs that stuck out and would have got in his pen if he had been using one, and ruled for accounts. 'Hide IT most carefully before you come here,' he wrote, 'and don't mention it--and destroy this letter. Everything is going A1. The Queen is a fair treat. There's nothing to be afraid of.' 'What curious characters, and what a strange flat surface!' said the Queen. 'What have you inscribed?' 'I've 'scribed,' replied Cyril cautiously, 'that you are fair, and a--and like a--like a festival; and that she need not be afraid, and that she is to come at once.' Ritti-Marduk, who had come in and had stood waiting while Cyril wrote, his Babylonish eyes nearly starting out of his Babylonish head, now took the letter, with some reluctance. 'O Queen, live for ever! Is it a charm?' he timidly asked. 'A strong charm, most great lady?' 'YES,' said Robert, unexpectedly, 'it IS a charm, but it won't hurt anyone until you've given it to Jane. And then she'll destroy it, so that it CAN'T hurt anyone. It's most awful strong!--as strong as--Peppermint!' he ended abruptly. 'I know not the god,' said Ritti-Marduk, bending timorously. 'She'll tear it up directly she gets it,' said Robert, 'That'll end the charm. You needn't be afraid if you go now.' Ritti-Marduk went, seeming only partly satisfied; and then the Queen began to admire the penny account-book and the bit of pencil in so marked and significant a way that Cyril felt he could not do less than press them upon her as a gift. She ruffled the leaves delightedly. 'What a wonderful substance!' she said. 'And with this style you make charms? Make a charm for me! Do you know,' her voice sank to a whisper, 'the names of the great ones of your own far country?' 'Rather!' said Cyril, and hastily wrote the names of Alfred the Great, Shakespeare, Nelson, Gordon, Lord Beaconsfield, Mr Rudyard Kipling, and Mr Sherlock Holmes, while the Queen watched him with 'unbaited breath', as Anthea said afterwards. She took the book and hid it reverently among the bright folds of her gown. 'You shall teach me later to say the great names,' she said. 'And the names of their Ministers--perhaps the great Nisroch is one of them?' 'I don't think so,' said Cyril. 'Mr Campbell Bannerman's Prime Minister and Mr Burns a Minister, and so is the Archbishop of Canterbury, I think, but I'm not sure--and Dr Parker was one, I know, and--' 'No more,' said the Queen, putting her hands to her ears. 'My head's going round with all those great names. You shall teach them to me later--because of course you'll make us a nice long visit now you have come, won't you? Now tell me--but no, I am quite tired out with your being so clever. Besides, I'm sure you'd like ME to tell YOU something, wouldn't you?' 'Yes,' said Anthea. 'I want to know how it is that the King has gone--' 'Excuse me, but you should say "the King may-he-live-for-ever",' said the Queen gently. 'I beg your pardon,' Anthea hastened to say--'the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone to fetch home his fourteenth wife? I don't think even Bluebeard had as many as that. And, besides, he hasn't killed YOU at any rate.' The Queen looked bewildered. 'She means,' explained Robert, 'that English kings only have one wife--at least, Henry the Eighth had seven or eight, but not all at once.' 'In our country,' said the Queen scornfully, 'a king would not reign a day who had only one wife. No one would respect him, and quite right too.' 'Then are all the other thirteen alive?' asked Anthea. 'Of course they are--poor mean-spirited things! I don't associate with them, of course, I am the Queen: they're only the wives.' 'I see,' said Anthea, gasping. 'But oh, my dears,' the Queen went on, 'such a to-do as there's been about this last wife! You never did! It really was TOO funny. We wanted an Egyptian princess. The King may-he-live-for-ever has got a wife from most of the important nations, and he had set his heart on an Egyptian one to complete his collection. Well, of course, to begin with, we sent a handsome present of gold. The Egyptian king sent back some horses--quite a few; he's fearfully stingy!--and he said he liked the gold very much, but what they were really short of was lapis lazuli, so of course we sent him some. But by that time he'd begun to use the gold to cover the beams of the roof of the Temple of the Sun-God, and he hadn't nearly enough to finish the job, so we sent some more. And so it went on, oh, for years. You see each journey takes at least six months. And at last we asked the hand of his daughter in marriage.' 'Yes, and then?' said Anthea, who wanted to get to the princess part of the story. 'Well, then,' said the Queen, 'when he'd got everything out of us that he could, and only given the meanest presents in return, he sent to say he would esteem the honour of an alliance very highly, only unfortunately he hadn't any daughter, but he hoped one would be born soon, and if so, she should certainly be reserved for the King of Babylon!' 'What a trick!' said Cyril. 'Yes, wasn't it? So then we said his sister would do, and then there were more gifts and more journeys; and now at last the tiresome, black-haired thing is coming, and the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone seven days' journey to meet her at Carchemish. And he's gone in his best chariot, the one inlaid with lapis lazuli and gold, with the gold-plated wheels and onyx-studded hubs--much too great an honour in my opinion. She'll be here tonight; there'll be a grand banquet to celebrate her arrival. SHE won't be present, of course. She'll be having her baths and her anointings, and all that sort of thing. We always clean our foreign brides very carefully. It takes two or three weeks. Now it's dinnertime, and you shall eat with me, for I can see that you are of high rank.' She led them into a dark, cool hall, with many cushions on the floor. On these they sat and low tables were brought--beautiful tables of smooth, blue stone mounted in gold. On these, golden trays were placed; but there were no knives, or forks, or spoons. The children expected the Queen to call for them; but no. She just ate with her fingers, and as the first dish was a great tray of boiled corn, and meat and raisins all mixed up together, and melted fat poured all over the tray, it was found difficult to follow her example with anything like what we are used to think of as good table manners. There were stewed quinces afterwards, and dates in syrup, and thick yellowy cream. It was the kind of dinner you hardly ever get in Fitzroy Street. After dinner everybody went to sleep, even the children. The Queen awoke with a start. 'Good gracious!' she cried, 'what a time we've slept! I must rush off and dress for the banquet. I shan't have much more than time.' 'Hasn't Ritti-Marduk got back with our sister and the Psammead yet?' Anthea asked. 'I QUITE forgot to ask. I'm sorry,' said the Queen. 'And of course they wouldn't announce her unless I told them to, except during justice hours. I expect she's waiting outside. I'll see.' Ritti-Marduk came in a moment later. 'I regret,' he said, 'that I have been unable to find your sister. The beast she bears with her in a basket has bitten the child of the guard, and your sister and the beast set out to come to you. The police say they have a clue. No doubt we shall have news of her in a few weeks.' He bowed and withdrew. The horror of this threefold loss--Jane, the Psammead, and the Amulet--gave the children something to talk about while the Queen was dressing. I shall not report their conversation; it was very gloomy. Everyone repeated himself several times, and the discussion ended in each of them blaming the other two for having let Jane go. You know the sort of talk it was, don't you? At last Cyril said-- 'After all, she's with the Psammead, so SHE'S all right. The Psammead is jolly careful of itself too. And it isn't as if we were in any danger. Let's try to buck up and enjoy the banquet.' They did enjoy the banquet. They had a beautiful bath, which was delicious, were heavily oiled all over, including their hair, and that was most unpleasant. Then, they dressed again and were presented to the King, who was most affable. The banquet was long; there were all sorts of nice things to eat, and everybody seemed to eat and drink a good deal. Everyone lay on cushions and couches, ladies on one side and gentlemen on the other; and after the eating was done each lady went and sat by some gentleman, who seemed to be her sweetheart or her husband, for they were very affectionate to each other. The Court dresses had gold threads woven in them, very bright and beautiful. The middle of the room was left clear, and different people came and did amusing things. There were conjurers and jugglers and snake-charmers, which last Anthea did not like at all. When it got dark torches were lighted. Cedar splinters dipped in oil blazed in copper dishes set high on poles. Then there was a dancer, who hardly danced at all, only just struck attitudes. She had hardly any clothes, and was not at all pretty. The children were rather bored by her, but everyone else was delighted, including the King. 'By the beard of Nimrod!' he cried, 'ask what you like girl, and you shall have it!' 'I want nothing,' said the dancer; 'the honour of having pleased the King may-he-live-for-ever is reward enough for me.' And the King was so pleased with this modest and sensible reply that he gave her the gold collar off his own neck. 'I say!' said Cyril, awed by the magnificence of the gift. 'It's all right,' whispered the Queen, 'it's not his best collar by any means. We always keep a stock of cheap jewellery for these occasions. And now--you promised to sing us something. Would you like my minstrels to accompany you?' 'No, thank you,' said Anthea quickly. The minstrels had been playing off and on all the time, and their music reminded Anthea of the band she and the others had once had on the fifth of November--with penny horns, a tin whistle, a tea-tray, the tongs, a policeman's rattle, and a toy drum. They had enjoyed this band very much at the time. But it was quite different when someone else was making the same kind of music. Anthea understood now that Father had not been really heartless and unreasonable when he had told them to stop that infuriating din. 'What shall we sing?' Cyril was asking. 'Sweet and low?' suggested Anthea. 'Too soft--I vote for "Who will o'er the downs". Now then--one, two, three. 'Oh, who will o'er the downs so free, Oh, who will with me ride, Oh, who will up and follow me, To win a blooming bride? Her father he has locked the door, Her mother keeps the key; But neither bolt nor bar shall keep My own true love from me.' Jane, the alto, was missing, and Robert, unlike the mother of the lady in the song, never could 'keep the key', but the song, even so, was sufficiently unlike anything any of them had ever heard to rouse the Babylonian Court to the wildest enthusiasm. 'More, more,' cried the King; 'by my beard, this savage music is a new thing. Sing again!' So they sang: 'I saw her bower at twilight gray, 'Twas guarded safe and sure. I saw her bower at break of day, 'Twas guarded then no more. The varlets they were all asleep, And there was none to see The greeting fair that passed there Between my love and me.' Shouts of applause greeted the ending of the verse, and the King would not be satisfied till they had sung all their part-songs (they only knew three) twice over, and ended up with 'Men of Harlech' in unison. Then the King stood up in his royal robes with his high, narrow crown on his head and shouted-- 'By the beak of Nisroch, ask what you will, strangers from the land where the sun never sets!' 'We ought to say it's enough honour, like the dancer did,' whispered Anthea. 'No, let's ask for IT,' said Robert. 'No, no, I'm sure the other's manners,' said Anthea. But Robert, who was excited by the music, and the flaring torches, and the applause and the opportunity, spoke up before the others could stop him. 'Give us the half of the Amulet that has on it the name UR HEKAU SETCHEH,' he said, adding as an afterthought, 'O King, live-for-ever.' As he spoke the great name those in the pillared hall fell on their faces, and lay still. All but the Queen who crouched amid her cushions with her head in her hands, and the King, who stood upright, perfectly still, like the statue of a king in stone. It was only for a moment though. Then his great voice thundered out-- 'Guard, seize them!' Instantly, from nowhere as it seemed, sprang eight soldiers in bright armour inlaid with gold, and tunics of red and white. Very splendid they were, and very alarming. 'Impious and sacrilegious wretches!' shouted the King. 'To the dungeons with them! We will find a way, tomorrow, to make them speak. For without doubt they can tell us where to find the lost half of It.' A wall of scarlet and white and steel and gold closed up round the children and hurried them away among the many pillars of the great hall. As they went they heard the voices of the courtiers loud in horror. 'You've done it this time,' said Cyril with extreme bitterness. 'Oh, it will come right. It MUST. It always does,' said Anthea desperately. They could not see where they were going, because the guard surrounded them so closely, but the ground under their feet, smooth marble at first, grew rougher like stone, then it was loose earth and sand, and they felt the night air. Then there was more stone, and steps down. 'It's my belief we really ARE going to the deepest dungeon below the castle moat this time,' said Cyril. And they were. At least it was not below a moat, but below the river Euphrates, which was just as bad if not worse. In a most unpleasant place it was. Dark, very, very damp, and with an odd, musty smell rather like the shells of oysters. There was a torch--that is to say, a copper basket on a high stick with oiled wood burning in it. By its light the children saw that the walls were green, and that trickles of water ran down them and dripped from the roof. There were things on the floor that looked like newts, and in the dark corners creepy, shiny things moved sluggishly, uneasily, horribly. Robert's heart sank right into those really reliable boots of his. Anthea and Cyril each had a private struggle with that inside disagreeableness which is part of all of us, and which is sometimes called the Old Adam--and both were victors. Neither of them said to Robert (and both tried hard not even to think it), 'This is YOUR doing.' Anthea had the additional temptation to add, 'I told you so.' And she resisted it successfully. 'Sacrilege, and impious cheek,' said the captain of the guard to the gaoler. 'To be kept during the King's pleasure. I expect he means to get some pleasure out of them tomorrow! He'll tickle them up!' 'Poor little kids,' said the gaoler. 'Oh, yes,' said the captain. 'I've got kids of my own too. But it doesn't do to let domestic sentiment interfere with one's public duties. Good night.' The soldiers tramped heavily off in their white and red and steel and gold. The gaoler, with a bunch of big keys in his hand, stood looking pityingly at the children. He shook his head twice and went out. 'Courage!' said Anthea. 'I know it will be all right. It's only a dream REALLY, you know. It MUST be! I don't believe about time being only a something or other of thought. It IS a dream, and we're bound to wake up all right and safe.' 'Humph,' said Cyril bitterly. And Robert suddenly said-- 'It's all my doing. If it really IS all up do please not keep a down on me about it, and tell Father--Oh, I forgot.' What he had forgotten was that his father was 3,000 miles and 5,000 or more years away from him. 'All right, Bobs, old man,' said Cyril; and Anthea got hold of Robert's hand and squeezed it. Then the gaoler came back with a platter of hard, flat cakes made of coarse grain, very different from the cream-and-juicy-date feasts of the palace; also a pitcher of water. 'There,' he said. 'Oh, thank you so very much. You ARE kind,' said Anthea feverishly. 'Go to sleep,' said the gaoler, pointing to a heap of straw in a corner; 'tomorrow comes soon enough.' 'Oh, dear Mr Gaoler,' said Anthea, 'whatever will they do to us tomorrow?' 'They'll try to make you tell things,' said the gaoler grimly, 'and my advice is if you've nothing to tell, make up something. Then perhaps they'll sell you to the Northern nations. Regular savages THEY are. Good night.' 'Good night,' said three trembling voices, which their owners strove in vain to render firm. Then he went out, and the three were left alone in the damp, dim vault. 'I know the light won't last long,' said Cyril, looking at the flickering brazier. 'Is it any good, do you think, calling on the name when we haven't got the charm?' suggested Anthea. 'I shouldn't think so. But we might try.' So they tried. But the blank silence of the damp dungeon remained unchanged. 'What was the name the Queen said?' asked Cyril suddenly. 'Nisbeth--Nesbit--something? You know, the slave of the great names?' 'Wait a sec,' said Robert, 'though I | present | How many times the word 'present' appears in the text? | 2 |
woman and said, 'You'll take me home with you, won't you? And let me play with your little girls till the others have done with the Queen.' 'Surely I will, little heart!' said the woman. And then Anthea hurriedly stroked the Psammead and embraced Jane, who took the woman's hand, and trotted contentedly away with the Psammead's bag under the other arm. The others stood looking after her till she, the woman, and the basket were lost in the many-coloured crowd. Then Anthea turned once more to the palace's magnificent doorway and said-- 'Let's ask the porter to take care of our Babylonian overcoats.' So they took off the garments that the woman had lent them and stood amid the jostling petitioners of the Queen in their own English frocks and coats and hats and boots. 'We want to see the Queen,' said Cyril; 'we come from the far Empire where the sun never sets!' A murmur of surprise and a thrill of excitement ran through the crowd. The door-porter spoke to a black man, he spoke to someone else. There was a whispering, waiting pause. Then a big man, with a cleanly-shaven face, beckoned them from the top of a flight of red marble steps. They went up; the boots of Robert clattering more than usual because he was so nervous. A door swung open, a curtain was drawn back. A double line of bowing forms in gorgeous raiment formed a lane that led to the steps of the throne, and as the children advanced hurriedly there came from the throne a voice very sweet and kind. 'Three children from the land where the sun never sets! Let them draw hither without fear.' In another minute they were kneeling at the throne's foot, saying, 'O Queen, live for ever!' exactly as the woman had taught them. And a splendid dream-lady, all gold and silver and jewels and snowy drift of veils, was raising Anthea, and saying-- 'Don't be frightened, I really am SO glad you came! The land where the sun never sets! I am delighted to see you! I was getting quite too dreadfully bored for anything!' And behind Anthea the kneeling Cyril whispered in the ears of the respectful Robert-- 'Bobs, don't say anything to Panther. It's no use upsetting her, but we didn't ask for Jane's address, and the Psammead's with her.' 'Well,' whispered Robert, 'the charm can bring them to us at any moment. IT said so.' 'Oh, yes,' whispered Cyril, in miserable derision, 'WE'RE all right, of course. So we are! Oh, yes! If we'd only GOT the charm.' Then Robert saw, and he murmured, 'Crikey!' at the foot of the throne of Babylon; while Cyril hoarsely whispered the plain English fact-- 'Jane's got the charm round her neck, you silly cuckoo.' 'Crikey!' Robert repeated in heart-broken undertones. CHAPTER 7. 'THE DEEPEST DUNGEON BELOW THE CASTLE MOAT' The Queen threw three of the red and gold embroidered cushions off the throne on to the marble steps that led up to it. 'Just make yourselves comfortable there,' she said. 'I'm simply dying to talk to you, and to hear all about your wonderful country and how you got here, and everything, but I have to do justice every morning. Such a bore, isn't it? Do you do justice in your own country?' 'No, said Cyril; 'at least of course we try to, but not in this public sort of way, only in private.' 'Ah, yes,' said the Queen, 'I should much prefer a private audience myself--much easier to manage. But public opinion has to be considered. Doing justice is very hard work, even when you're brought up to it.' 'We don't do justice, but we have to do scales, Jane and me,' said Anthea, 'twenty minutes a day. It's simply horrid.' 'What are scales?' asked the Queen, 'and what is Jane?' 'Jane is my little sister. One of the guards-at-the-gate's wife is taking care of her. And scales are music.' 'I never heard of the instrument,' said the Queen. 'Do you sing?' 'Oh, yes. We can sing in parts,' said Anthea. 'That IS magic,' said the Queen. 'How many parts are you each cut into before you do it?' 'We aren't cut at all,' said Robert hastily. 'We couldn't sing if we were. We'll show you afterwards.' 'So you shall, and now sit quiet like dear children and hear me do justice. The way I do it has always been admired. I oughtn't to say that ought I? Sounds so conceited. But I don't mind with you, dears. Somehow I feel as though I'd known you quite a long time already.' The Queen settled herself on her throne and made a signal to her attendants. The children, whispering together among the cushions on the steps of the throne, decided that she was very beautiful and very kind, but perhaps just the least bit flighty. The first person who came to ask for justice was a woman whose brother had taken the money the father had left for her. The brother said it was the uncle who had the money. There was a good deal of talk and the children were growing rather bored, when the Queen suddenly clapped her hands, and said-- 'Put both the men in prison till one of them owns up that the other is innocent.' 'But suppose they both did it?' Cyril could not help interrupting. 'Then prison's the best place for them,' said the Queen. 'But suppose neither did it.' 'That's impossible,' said the Queen; 'a thing's not done unless someone does it. And you mustn't interrupt.' Then came a woman, in tears, with a torn veil and real ashes on her head--at least Anthea thought so, but it may have been only road-dust. She complained that her husband was in prison. 'What for?' said the Queen. 'They SAID it was for speaking evil of your Majesty,' said the woman, 'but it wasn't. Someone had a spite against him. That was what it was.' 'How do you know he hadn't spoken evil of me?' said the Queen. 'No one could,' said the woman simply, 'when they'd once seen your beautiful face.' 'Let the man out,' said the Queen, smiling. 'Next case.' The next case was that of a boy who had stolen a fox. 'Like the Spartan boy,' whispered Robert. But the Queen ruled that nobody could have any possible reason for owning a fox, and still less for stealing one. And she did not believe that there were any foxes in Babylon; she, at any rate, had never seen one. So the boy was released. The people came to the Queen about all sorts of family quarrels and neighbourly misunderstandings--from a fight between brothers over the division of an inheritance, to the dishonest and unfriendly conduct of a woman who had borrowed a cooking-pot at the last New Year's festival, and not returned it yet. And the Queen decided everything, very, very decidedly indeed. At last she clapped her hands quite suddenly and with extreme loudness, and said-- 'The audience is over for today.' Everyone said, 'May the Queen live for ever!' and went out. And the children were left alone in the justice-hall with the Queen of Babylon and her ladies. 'There!' said the Queen, with a long sigh of relief. 'THAT'S over! I couldn't have done another stitch of justice if you'd offered me the crown of Egypt! Now come into the garden, and we'll have a nice, long, cosy talk.' She led them through long, narrow corridors whose walls they somehow felt, were very, very thick, into a sort of garden courtyard. There were thick shrubs closely planted, and roses were trained over trellises, and made a pleasant shade--needed, indeed, for already the sun was as hot as it is in England in August at the seaside. Slaves spread cushions on a low, marble terrace, and a big man with a smooth face served cool drink in cups of gold studded with beryls. He drank a little from the Queen's cup before handing it to her. 'That's rather a nasty trick,' whispered Robert, who had been carefully taught never to drink out of one of the nice, shiny, metal cups that are chained to the London drinking fountains without first rinsing it out thoroughly. The Queen overheard him. 'Not at all,' said she. 'Ritti-Marduk is a very clean man. And one has to have SOME ONE as taster, you know, because of poison.' The word made the children feel rather creepy; but Ritti-Marduk had tasted all the cups, so they felt pretty safe. The drink was delicious--very cold, and tasting like lemonade and partly like penny ices. 'Leave us,' said the Queen. And all the Court ladies, in their beautiful, many-folded, many-coloured, fringed dresses, filed out slowly, and the children were left alone with the Queen. 'Now,' she said, 'tell me all about yourselves.' They looked at each other. 'You, Bobs,' said Cyril. 'No--Anthea,' said Robert. 'No--you--Cyril,' said Anthea. 'Don't you remember how pleased the Queen of India was when you told her all about us?' Cyril muttered that it was all very well, and so it was. For when he had told the tale of the Phoenix and the Carpet to the Ranee, it had been only the truth--and all the truth that he had to tell. But now it was not easy to tell a convincing story without mentioning the Amulet--which, of course, it wouldn't have done to mention--and without owning that they were really living in London, about 2,500 years later than the time they were talking in. Cyril took refuge in the tale of the Psammead and its wonderful power of making wishes come true. The children had never been able to tell anyone before, and Cyril was surprised to find that the spell which kept them silent in London did not work here. 'Something to do with our being in the Past, I suppose,' he said to himself. 'This is MOST interesting,' said the Queen. 'We must have this Psammead for the banquet tonight. Its performance will be one of the most popular turns in the whole programme. Where is it?' Anthea explained that they did not know; also why it was that they did not know. 'Oh, THAT'S quite simple,' said the Queen, and everyone breathed a deep sigh of relief as she said it. 'Ritti-Marduk shall run down to the gates and find out which guard your sister went home with.' 'Might he'--Anthea's voice was tremulous--'might he--would it interfere with his meal-times, or anything like that, if he went NOW?' 'Of course he shall go now. He may think himself lucky if he gets his meals at any time,' said the Queen heartily, and clapped her hands. 'May I send a letter?' asked Cyril, pulling out a red-backed penny account-book, and feeling in his pockets for a stump of pencil that he knew was in one of them. 'By all means. I'll call my scribe.' 'Oh, I can scribe right enough, thanks,' said Cyril, finding the pencil and licking its point. He even had to bite the wood a little, for it was very blunt. 'Oh, you clever, clever boy!' said the Queen. 'DO let me watch you do it!' Cyril wrote on a leaf of the book--it was of rough, woolly paper, with hairs that stuck out and would have got in his pen if he had been using one, and ruled for accounts. 'Hide IT most carefully before you come here,' he wrote, 'and don't mention it--and destroy this letter. Everything is going A1. The Queen is a fair treat. There's nothing to be afraid of.' 'What curious characters, and what a strange flat surface!' said the Queen. 'What have you inscribed?' 'I've 'scribed,' replied Cyril cautiously, 'that you are fair, and a--and like a--like a festival; and that she need not be afraid, and that she is to come at once.' Ritti-Marduk, who had come in and had stood waiting while Cyril wrote, his Babylonish eyes nearly starting out of his Babylonish head, now took the letter, with some reluctance. 'O Queen, live for ever! Is it a charm?' he timidly asked. 'A strong charm, most great lady?' 'YES,' said Robert, unexpectedly, 'it IS a charm, but it won't hurt anyone until you've given it to Jane. And then she'll destroy it, so that it CAN'T hurt anyone. It's most awful strong!--as strong as--Peppermint!' he ended abruptly. 'I know not the god,' said Ritti-Marduk, bending timorously. 'She'll tear it up directly she gets it,' said Robert, 'That'll end the charm. You needn't be afraid if you go now.' Ritti-Marduk went, seeming only partly satisfied; and then the Queen began to admire the penny account-book and the bit of pencil in so marked and significant a way that Cyril felt he could not do less than press them upon her as a gift. She ruffled the leaves delightedly. 'What a wonderful substance!' she said. 'And with this style you make charms? Make a charm for me! Do you know,' her voice sank to a whisper, 'the names of the great ones of your own far country?' 'Rather!' said Cyril, and hastily wrote the names of Alfred the Great, Shakespeare, Nelson, Gordon, Lord Beaconsfield, Mr Rudyard Kipling, and Mr Sherlock Holmes, while the Queen watched him with 'unbaited breath', as Anthea said afterwards. She took the book and hid it reverently among the bright folds of her gown. 'You shall teach me later to say the great names,' she said. 'And the names of their Ministers--perhaps the great Nisroch is one of them?' 'I don't think so,' said Cyril. 'Mr Campbell Bannerman's Prime Minister and Mr Burns a Minister, and so is the Archbishop of Canterbury, I think, but I'm not sure--and Dr Parker was one, I know, and--' 'No more,' said the Queen, putting her hands to her ears. 'My head's going round with all those great names. You shall teach them to me later--because of course you'll make us a nice long visit now you have come, won't you? Now tell me--but no, I am quite tired out with your being so clever. Besides, I'm sure you'd like ME to tell YOU something, wouldn't you?' 'Yes,' said Anthea. 'I want to know how it is that the King has gone--' 'Excuse me, but you should say "the King may-he-live-for-ever",' said the Queen gently. 'I beg your pardon,' Anthea hastened to say--'the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone to fetch home his fourteenth wife? I don't think even Bluebeard had as many as that. And, besides, he hasn't killed YOU at any rate.' The Queen looked bewildered. 'She means,' explained Robert, 'that English kings only have one wife--at least, Henry the Eighth had seven or eight, but not all at once.' 'In our country,' said the Queen scornfully, 'a king would not reign a day who had only one wife. No one would respect him, and quite right too.' 'Then are all the other thirteen alive?' asked Anthea. 'Of course they are--poor mean-spirited things! I don't associate with them, of course, I am the Queen: they're only the wives.' 'I see,' said Anthea, gasping. 'But oh, my dears,' the Queen went on, 'such a to-do as there's been about this last wife! You never did! It really was TOO funny. We wanted an Egyptian princess. The King may-he-live-for-ever has got a wife from most of the important nations, and he had set his heart on an Egyptian one to complete his collection. Well, of course, to begin with, we sent a handsome present of gold. The Egyptian king sent back some horses--quite a few; he's fearfully stingy!--and he said he liked the gold very much, but what they were really short of was lapis lazuli, so of course we sent him some. But by that time he'd begun to use the gold to cover the beams of the roof of the Temple of the Sun-God, and he hadn't nearly enough to finish the job, so we sent some more. And so it went on, oh, for years. You see each journey takes at least six months. And at last we asked the hand of his daughter in marriage.' 'Yes, and then?' said Anthea, who wanted to get to the princess part of the story. 'Well, then,' said the Queen, 'when he'd got everything out of us that he could, and only given the meanest presents in return, he sent to say he would esteem the honour of an alliance very highly, only unfortunately he hadn't any daughter, but he hoped one would be born soon, and if so, she should certainly be reserved for the King of Babylon!' 'What a trick!' said Cyril. 'Yes, wasn't it? So then we said his sister would do, and then there were more gifts and more journeys; and now at last the tiresome, black-haired thing is coming, and the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone seven days' journey to meet her at Carchemish. And he's gone in his best chariot, the one inlaid with lapis lazuli and gold, with the gold-plated wheels and onyx-studded hubs--much too great an honour in my opinion. She'll be here tonight; there'll be a grand banquet to celebrate her arrival. SHE won't be present, of course. She'll be having her baths and her anointings, and all that sort of thing. We always clean our foreign brides very carefully. It takes two or three weeks. Now it's dinnertime, and you shall eat with me, for I can see that you are of high rank.' She led them into a dark, cool hall, with many cushions on the floor. On these they sat and low tables were brought--beautiful tables of smooth, blue stone mounted in gold. On these, golden trays were placed; but there were no knives, or forks, or spoons. The children expected the Queen to call for them; but no. She just ate with her fingers, and as the first dish was a great tray of boiled corn, and meat and raisins all mixed up together, and melted fat poured all over the tray, it was found difficult to follow her example with anything like what we are used to think of as good table manners. There were stewed quinces afterwards, and dates in syrup, and thick yellowy cream. It was the kind of dinner you hardly ever get in Fitzroy Street. After dinner everybody went to sleep, even the children. The Queen awoke with a start. 'Good gracious!' she cried, 'what a time we've slept! I must rush off and dress for the banquet. I shan't have much more than time.' 'Hasn't Ritti-Marduk got back with our sister and the Psammead yet?' Anthea asked. 'I QUITE forgot to ask. I'm sorry,' said the Queen. 'And of course they wouldn't announce her unless I told them to, except during justice hours. I expect she's waiting outside. I'll see.' Ritti-Marduk came in a moment later. 'I regret,' he said, 'that I have been unable to find your sister. The beast she bears with her in a basket has bitten the child of the guard, and your sister and the beast set out to come to you. The police say they have a clue. No doubt we shall have news of her in a few weeks.' He bowed and withdrew. The horror of this threefold loss--Jane, the Psammead, and the Amulet--gave the children something to talk about while the Queen was dressing. I shall not report their conversation; it was very gloomy. Everyone repeated himself several times, and the discussion ended in each of them blaming the other two for having let Jane go. You know the sort of talk it was, don't you? At last Cyril said-- 'After all, she's with the Psammead, so SHE'S all right. The Psammead is jolly careful of itself too. And it isn't as if we were in any danger. Let's try to buck up and enjoy the banquet.' They did enjoy the banquet. They had a beautiful bath, which was delicious, were heavily oiled all over, including their hair, and that was most unpleasant. Then, they dressed again and were presented to the King, who was most affable. The banquet was long; there were all sorts of nice things to eat, and everybody seemed to eat and drink a good deal. Everyone lay on cushions and couches, ladies on one side and gentlemen on the other; and after the eating was done each lady went and sat by some gentleman, who seemed to be her sweetheart or her husband, for they were very affectionate to each other. The Court dresses had gold threads woven in them, very bright and beautiful. The middle of the room was left clear, and different people came and did amusing things. There were conjurers and jugglers and snake-charmers, which last Anthea did not like at all. When it got dark torches were lighted. Cedar splinters dipped in oil blazed in copper dishes set high on poles. Then there was a dancer, who hardly danced at all, only just struck attitudes. She had hardly any clothes, and was not at all pretty. The children were rather bored by her, but everyone else was delighted, including the King. 'By the beard of Nimrod!' he cried, 'ask what you like girl, and you shall have it!' 'I want nothing,' said the dancer; 'the honour of having pleased the King may-he-live-for-ever is reward enough for me.' And the King was so pleased with this modest and sensible reply that he gave her the gold collar off his own neck. 'I say!' said Cyril, awed by the magnificence of the gift. 'It's all right,' whispered the Queen, 'it's not his best collar by any means. We always keep a stock of cheap jewellery for these occasions. And now--you promised to sing us something. Would you like my minstrels to accompany you?' 'No, thank you,' said Anthea quickly. The minstrels had been playing off and on all the time, and their music reminded Anthea of the band she and the others had once had on the fifth of November--with penny horns, a tin whistle, a tea-tray, the tongs, a policeman's rattle, and a toy drum. They had enjoyed this band very much at the time. But it was quite different when someone else was making the same kind of music. Anthea understood now that Father had not been really heartless and unreasonable when he had told them to stop that infuriating din. 'What shall we sing?' Cyril was asking. 'Sweet and low?' suggested Anthea. 'Too soft--I vote for "Who will o'er the downs". Now then--one, two, three. 'Oh, who will o'er the downs so free, Oh, who will with me ride, Oh, who will up and follow me, To win a blooming bride? Her father he has locked the door, Her mother keeps the key; But neither bolt nor bar shall keep My own true love from me.' Jane, the alto, was missing, and Robert, unlike the mother of the lady in the song, never could 'keep the key', but the song, even so, was sufficiently unlike anything any of them had ever heard to rouse the Babylonian Court to the wildest enthusiasm. 'More, more,' cried the King; 'by my beard, this savage music is a new thing. Sing again!' So they sang: 'I saw her bower at twilight gray, 'Twas guarded safe and sure. I saw her bower at break of day, 'Twas guarded then no more. The varlets they were all asleep, And there was none to see The greeting fair that passed there Between my love and me.' Shouts of applause greeted the ending of the verse, and the King would not be satisfied till they had sung all their part-songs (they only knew three) twice over, and ended up with 'Men of Harlech' in unison. Then the King stood up in his royal robes with his high, narrow crown on his head and shouted-- 'By the beak of Nisroch, ask what you will, strangers from the land where the sun never sets!' 'We ought to say it's enough honour, like the dancer did,' whispered Anthea. 'No, let's ask for IT,' said Robert. 'No, no, I'm sure the other's manners,' said Anthea. But Robert, who was excited by the music, and the flaring torches, and the applause and the opportunity, spoke up before the others could stop him. 'Give us the half of the Amulet that has on it the name UR HEKAU SETCHEH,' he said, adding as an afterthought, 'O King, live-for-ever.' As he spoke the great name those in the pillared hall fell on their faces, and lay still. All but the Queen who crouched amid her cushions with her head in her hands, and the King, who stood upright, perfectly still, like the statue of a king in stone. It was only for a moment though. Then his great voice thundered out-- 'Guard, seize them!' Instantly, from nowhere as it seemed, sprang eight soldiers in bright armour inlaid with gold, and tunics of red and white. Very splendid they were, and very alarming. 'Impious and sacrilegious wretches!' shouted the King. 'To the dungeons with them! We will find a way, tomorrow, to make them speak. For without doubt they can tell us where to find the lost half of It.' A wall of scarlet and white and steel and gold closed up round the children and hurried them away among the many pillars of the great hall. As they went they heard the voices of the courtiers loud in horror. 'You've done it this time,' said Cyril with extreme bitterness. 'Oh, it will come right. It MUST. It always does,' said Anthea desperately. They could not see where they were going, because the guard surrounded them so closely, but the ground under their feet, smooth marble at first, grew rougher like stone, then it was loose earth and sand, and they felt the night air. Then there was more stone, and steps down. 'It's my belief we really ARE going to the deepest dungeon below the castle moat this time,' said Cyril. And they were. At least it was not below a moat, but below the river Euphrates, which was just as bad if not worse. In a most unpleasant place it was. Dark, very, very damp, and with an odd, musty smell rather like the shells of oysters. There was a torch--that is to say, a copper basket on a high stick with oiled wood burning in it. By its light the children saw that the walls were green, and that trickles of water ran down them and dripped from the roof. There were things on the floor that looked like newts, and in the dark corners creepy, shiny things moved sluggishly, uneasily, horribly. Robert's heart sank right into those really reliable boots of his. Anthea and Cyril each had a private struggle with that inside disagreeableness which is part of all of us, and which is sometimes called the Old Adam--and both were victors. Neither of them said to Robert (and both tried hard not even to think it), 'This is YOUR doing.' Anthea had the additional temptation to add, 'I told you so.' And she resisted it successfully. 'Sacrilege, and impious cheek,' said the captain of the guard to the gaoler. 'To be kept during the King's pleasure. I expect he means to get some pleasure out of them tomorrow! He'll tickle them up!' 'Poor little kids,' said the gaoler. 'Oh, yes,' said the captain. 'I've got kids of my own too. But it doesn't do to let domestic sentiment interfere with one's public duties. Good night.' The soldiers tramped heavily off in their white and red and steel and gold. The gaoler, with a bunch of big keys in his hand, stood looking pityingly at the children. He shook his head twice and went out. 'Courage!' said Anthea. 'I know it will be all right. It's only a dream REALLY, you know. It MUST be! I don't believe about time being only a something or other of thought. It IS a dream, and we're bound to wake up all right and safe.' 'Humph,' said Cyril bitterly. And Robert suddenly said-- 'It's all my doing. If it really IS all up do please not keep a down on me about it, and tell Father--Oh, I forgot.' What he had forgotten was that his father was 3,000 miles and 5,000 or more years away from him. 'All right, Bobs, old man,' said Cyril; and Anthea got hold of Robert's hand and squeezed it. Then the gaoler came back with a platter of hard, flat cakes made of coarse grain, very different from the cream-and-juicy-date feasts of the palace; also a pitcher of water. 'There,' he said. 'Oh, thank you so very much. You ARE kind,' said Anthea feverishly. 'Go to sleep,' said the gaoler, pointing to a heap of straw in a corner; 'tomorrow comes soon enough.' 'Oh, dear Mr Gaoler,' said Anthea, 'whatever will they do to us tomorrow?' 'They'll try to make you tell things,' said the gaoler grimly, 'and my advice is if you've nothing to tell, make up something. Then perhaps they'll sell you to the Northern nations. Regular savages THEY are. Good night.' 'Good night,' said three trembling voices, which their owners strove in vain to render firm. Then he went out, and the three were left alone in the damp, dim vault. 'I know the light won't last long,' said Cyril, looking at the flickering brazier. 'Is it any good, do you think, calling on the name when we haven't got the charm?' suggested Anthea. 'I shouldn't think so. But we might try.' So they tried. But the blank silence of the damp dungeon remained unchanged. 'What was the name the Queen said?' asked Cyril suddenly. 'Nisbeth--Nesbit--something? You know, the slave of the great names?' 'Wait a sec,' said Robert, 'though I | him | How many times the word 'him' appears in the text? | 3 |
woman and said, 'You'll take me home with you, won't you? And let me play with your little girls till the others have done with the Queen.' 'Surely I will, little heart!' said the woman. And then Anthea hurriedly stroked the Psammead and embraced Jane, who took the woman's hand, and trotted contentedly away with the Psammead's bag under the other arm. The others stood looking after her till she, the woman, and the basket were lost in the many-coloured crowd. Then Anthea turned once more to the palace's magnificent doorway and said-- 'Let's ask the porter to take care of our Babylonian overcoats.' So they took off the garments that the woman had lent them and stood amid the jostling petitioners of the Queen in their own English frocks and coats and hats and boots. 'We want to see the Queen,' said Cyril; 'we come from the far Empire where the sun never sets!' A murmur of surprise and a thrill of excitement ran through the crowd. The door-porter spoke to a black man, he spoke to someone else. There was a whispering, waiting pause. Then a big man, with a cleanly-shaven face, beckoned them from the top of a flight of red marble steps. They went up; the boots of Robert clattering more than usual because he was so nervous. A door swung open, a curtain was drawn back. A double line of bowing forms in gorgeous raiment formed a lane that led to the steps of the throne, and as the children advanced hurriedly there came from the throne a voice very sweet and kind. 'Three children from the land where the sun never sets! Let them draw hither without fear.' In another minute they were kneeling at the throne's foot, saying, 'O Queen, live for ever!' exactly as the woman had taught them. And a splendid dream-lady, all gold and silver and jewels and snowy drift of veils, was raising Anthea, and saying-- 'Don't be frightened, I really am SO glad you came! The land where the sun never sets! I am delighted to see you! I was getting quite too dreadfully bored for anything!' And behind Anthea the kneeling Cyril whispered in the ears of the respectful Robert-- 'Bobs, don't say anything to Panther. It's no use upsetting her, but we didn't ask for Jane's address, and the Psammead's with her.' 'Well,' whispered Robert, 'the charm can bring them to us at any moment. IT said so.' 'Oh, yes,' whispered Cyril, in miserable derision, 'WE'RE all right, of course. So we are! Oh, yes! If we'd only GOT the charm.' Then Robert saw, and he murmured, 'Crikey!' at the foot of the throne of Babylon; while Cyril hoarsely whispered the plain English fact-- 'Jane's got the charm round her neck, you silly cuckoo.' 'Crikey!' Robert repeated in heart-broken undertones. CHAPTER 7. 'THE DEEPEST DUNGEON BELOW THE CASTLE MOAT' The Queen threw three of the red and gold embroidered cushions off the throne on to the marble steps that led up to it. 'Just make yourselves comfortable there,' she said. 'I'm simply dying to talk to you, and to hear all about your wonderful country and how you got here, and everything, but I have to do justice every morning. Such a bore, isn't it? Do you do justice in your own country?' 'No, said Cyril; 'at least of course we try to, but not in this public sort of way, only in private.' 'Ah, yes,' said the Queen, 'I should much prefer a private audience myself--much easier to manage. But public opinion has to be considered. Doing justice is very hard work, even when you're brought up to it.' 'We don't do justice, but we have to do scales, Jane and me,' said Anthea, 'twenty minutes a day. It's simply horrid.' 'What are scales?' asked the Queen, 'and what is Jane?' 'Jane is my little sister. One of the guards-at-the-gate's wife is taking care of her. And scales are music.' 'I never heard of the instrument,' said the Queen. 'Do you sing?' 'Oh, yes. We can sing in parts,' said Anthea. 'That IS magic,' said the Queen. 'How many parts are you each cut into before you do it?' 'We aren't cut at all,' said Robert hastily. 'We couldn't sing if we were. We'll show you afterwards.' 'So you shall, and now sit quiet like dear children and hear me do justice. The way I do it has always been admired. I oughtn't to say that ought I? Sounds so conceited. But I don't mind with you, dears. Somehow I feel as though I'd known you quite a long time already.' The Queen settled herself on her throne and made a signal to her attendants. The children, whispering together among the cushions on the steps of the throne, decided that she was very beautiful and very kind, but perhaps just the least bit flighty. The first person who came to ask for justice was a woman whose brother had taken the money the father had left for her. The brother said it was the uncle who had the money. There was a good deal of talk and the children were growing rather bored, when the Queen suddenly clapped her hands, and said-- 'Put both the men in prison till one of them owns up that the other is innocent.' 'But suppose they both did it?' Cyril could not help interrupting. 'Then prison's the best place for them,' said the Queen. 'But suppose neither did it.' 'That's impossible,' said the Queen; 'a thing's not done unless someone does it. And you mustn't interrupt.' Then came a woman, in tears, with a torn veil and real ashes on her head--at least Anthea thought so, but it may have been only road-dust. She complained that her husband was in prison. 'What for?' said the Queen. 'They SAID it was for speaking evil of your Majesty,' said the woman, 'but it wasn't. Someone had a spite against him. That was what it was.' 'How do you know he hadn't spoken evil of me?' said the Queen. 'No one could,' said the woman simply, 'when they'd once seen your beautiful face.' 'Let the man out,' said the Queen, smiling. 'Next case.' The next case was that of a boy who had stolen a fox. 'Like the Spartan boy,' whispered Robert. But the Queen ruled that nobody could have any possible reason for owning a fox, and still less for stealing one. And she did not believe that there were any foxes in Babylon; she, at any rate, had never seen one. So the boy was released. The people came to the Queen about all sorts of family quarrels and neighbourly misunderstandings--from a fight between brothers over the division of an inheritance, to the dishonest and unfriendly conduct of a woman who had borrowed a cooking-pot at the last New Year's festival, and not returned it yet. And the Queen decided everything, very, very decidedly indeed. At last she clapped her hands quite suddenly and with extreme loudness, and said-- 'The audience is over for today.' Everyone said, 'May the Queen live for ever!' and went out. And the children were left alone in the justice-hall with the Queen of Babylon and her ladies. 'There!' said the Queen, with a long sigh of relief. 'THAT'S over! I couldn't have done another stitch of justice if you'd offered me the crown of Egypt! Now come into the garden, and we'll have a nice, long, cosy talk.' She led them through long, narrow corridors whose walls they somehow felt, were very, very thick, into a sort of garden courtyard. There were thick shrubs closely planted, and roses were trained over trellises, and made a pleasant shade--needed, indeed, for already the sun was as hot as it is in England in August at the seaside. Slaves spread cushions on a low, marble terrace, and a big man with a smooth face served cool drink in cups of gold studded with beryls. He drank a little from the Queen's cup before handing it to her. 'That's rather a nasty trick,' whispered Robert, who had been carefully taught never to drink out of one of the nice, shiny, metal cups that are chained to the London drinking fountains without first rinsing it out thoroughly. The Queen overheard him. 'Not at all,' said she. 'Ritti-Marduk is a very clean man. And one has to have SOME ONE as taster, you know, because of poison.' The word made the children feel rather creepy; but Ritti-Marduk had tasted all the cups, so they felt pretty safe. The drink was delicious--very cold, and tasting like lemonade and partly like penny ices. 'Leave us,' said the Queen. And all the Court ladies, in their beautiful, many-folded, many-coloured, fringed dresses, filed out slowly, and the children were left alone with the Queen. 'Now,' she said, 'tell me all about yourselves.' They looked at each other. 'You, Bobs,' said Cyril. 'No--Anthea,' said Robert. 'No--you--Cyril,' said Anthea. 'Don't you remember how pleased the Queen of India was when you told her all about us?' Cyril muttered that it was all very well, and so it was. For when he had told the tale of the Phoenix and the Carpet to the Ranee, it had been only the truth--and all the truth that he had to tell. But now it was not easy to tell a convincing story without mentioning the Amulet--which, of course, it wouldn't have done to mention--and without owning that they were really living in London, about 2,500 years later than the time they were talking in. Cyril took refuge in the tale of the Psammead and its wonderful power of making wishes come true. The children had never been able to tell anyone before, and Cyril was surprised to find that the spell which kept them silent in London did not work here. 'Something to do with our being in the Past, I suppose,' he said to himself. 'This is MOST interesting,' said the Queen. 'We must have this Psammead for the banquet tonight. Its performance will be one of the most popular turns in the whole programme. Where is it?' Anthea explained that they did not know; also why it was that they did not know. 'Oh, THAT'S quite simple,' said the Queen, and everyone breathed a deep sigh of relief as she said it. 'Ritti-Marduk shall run down to the gates and find out which guard your sister went home with.' 'Might he'--Anthea's voice was tremulous--'might he--would it interfere with his meal-times, or anything like that, if he went NOW?' 'Of course he shall go now. He may think himself lucky if he gets his meals at any time,' said the Queen heartily, and clapped her hands. 'May I send a letter?' asked Cyril, pulling out a red-backed penny account-book, and feeling in his pockets for a stump of pencil that he knew was in one of them. 'By all means. I'll call my scribe.' 'Oh, I can scribe right enough, thanks,' said Cyril, finding the pencil and licking its point. He even had to bite the wood a little, for it was very blunt. 'Oh, you clever, clever boy!' said the Queen. 'DO let me watch you do it!' Cyril wrote on a leaf of the book--it was of rough, woolly paper, with hairs that stuck out and would have got in his pen if he had been using one, and ruled for accounts. 'Hide IT most carefully before you come here,' he wrote, 'and don't mention it--and destroy this letter. Everything is going A1. The Queen is a fair treat. There's nothing to be afraid of.' 'What curious characters, and what a strange flat surface!' said the Queen. 'What have you inscribed?' 'I've 'scribed,' replied Cyril cautiously, 'that you are fair, and a--and like a--like a festival; and that she need not be afraid, and that she is to come at once.' Ritti-Marduk, who had come in and had stood waiting while Cyril wrote, his Babylonish eyes nearly starting out of his Babylonish head, now took the letter, with some reluctance. 'O Queen, live for ever! Is it a charm?' he timidly asked. 'A strong charm, most great lady?' 'YES,' said Robert, unexpectedly, 'it IS a charm, but it won't hurt anyone until you've given it to Jane. And then she'll destroy it, so that it CAN'T hurt anyone. It's most awful strong!--as strong as--Peppermint!' he ended abruptly. 'I know not the god,' said Ritti-Marduk, bending timorously. 'She'll tear it up directly she gets it,' said Robert, 'That'll end the charm. You needn't be afraid if you go now.' Ritti-Marduk went, seeming only partly satisfied; and then the Queen began to admire the penny account-book and the bit of pencil in so marked and significant a way that Cyril felt he could not do less than press them upon her as a gift. She ruffled the leaves delightedly. 'What a wonderful substance!' she said. 'And with this style you make charms? Make a charm for me! Do you know,' her voice sank to a whisper, 'the names of the great ones of your own far country?' 'Rather!' said Cyril, and hastily wrote the names of Alfred the Great, Shakespeare, Nelson, Gordon, Lord Beaconsfield, Mr Rudyard Kipling, and Mr Sherlock Holmes, while the Queen watched him with 'unbaited breath', as Anthea said afterwards. She took the book and hid it reverently among the bright folds of her gown. 'You shall teach me later to say the great names,' she said. 'And the names of their Ministers--perhaps the great Nisroch is one of them?' 'I don't think so,' said Cyril. 'Mr Campbell Bannerman's Prime Minister and Mr Burns a Minister, and so is the Archbishop of Canterbury, I think, but I'm not sure--and Dr Parker was one, I know, and--' 'No more,' said the Queen, putting her hands to her ears. 'My head's going round with all those great names. You shall teach them to me later--because of course you'll make us a nice long visit now you have come, won't you? Now tell me--but no, I am quite tired out with your being so clever. Besides, I'm sure you'd like ME to tell YOU something, wouldn't you?' 'Yes,' said Anthea. 'I want to know how it is that the King has gone--' 'Excuse me, but you should say "the King may-he-live-for-ever",' said the Queen gently. 'I beg your pardon,' Anthea hastened to say--'the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone to fetch home his fourteenth wife? I don't think even Bluebeard had as many as that. And, besides, he hasn't killed YOU at any rate.' The Queen looked bewildered. 'She means,' explained Robert, 'that English kings only have one wife--at least, Henry the Eighth had seven or eight, but not all at once.' 'In our country,' said the Queen scornfully, 'a king would not reign a day who had only one wife. No one would respect him, and quite right too.' 'Then are all the other thirteen alive?' asked Anthea. 'Of course they are--poor mean-spirited things! I don't associate with them, of course, I am the Queen: they're only the wives.' 'I see,' said Anthea, gasping. 'But oh, my dears,' the Queen went on, 'such a to-do as there's been about this last wife! You never did! It really was TOO funny. We wanted an Egyptian princess. The King may-he-live-for-ever has got a wife from most of the important nations, and he had set his heart on an Egyptian one to complete his collection. Well, of course, to begin with, we sent a handsome present of gold. The Egyptian king sent back some horses--quite a few; he's fearfully stingy!--and he said he liked the gold very much, but what they were really short of was lapis lazuli, so of course we sent him some. But by that time he'd begun to use the gold to cover the beams of the roof of the Temple of the Sun-God, and he hadn't nearly enough to finish the job, so we sent some more. And so it went on, oh, for years. You see each journey takes at least six months. And at last we asked the hand of his daughter in marriage.' 'Yes, and then?' said Anthea, who wanted to get to the princess part of the story. 'Well, then,' said the Queen, 'when he'd got everything out of us that he could, and only given the meanest presents in return, he sent to say he would esteem the honour of an alliance very highly, only unfortunately he hadn't any daughter, but he hoped one would be born soon, and if so, she should certainly be reserved for the King of Babylon!' 'What a trick!' said Cyril. 'Yes, wasn't it? So then we said his sister would do, and then there were more gifts and more journeys; and now at last the tiresome, black-haired thing is coming, and the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone seven days' journey to meet her at Carchemish. And he's gone in his best chariot, the one inlaid with lapis lazuli and gold, with the gold-plated wheels and onyx-studded hubs--much too great an honour in my opinion. She'll be here tonight; there'll be a grand banquet to celebrate her arrival. SHE won't be present, of course. She'll be having her baths and her anointings, and all that sort of thing. We always clean our foreign brides very carefully. It takes two or three weeks. Now it's dinnertime, and you shall eat with me, for I can see that you are of high rank.' She led them into a dark, cool hall, with many cushions on the floor. On these they sat and low tables were brought--beautiful tables of smooth, blue stone mounted in gold. On these, golden trays were placed; but there were no knives, or forks, or spoons. The children expected the Queen to call for them; but no. She just ate with her fingers, and as the first dish was a great tray of boiled corn, and meat and raisins all mixed up together, and melted fat poured all over the tray, it was found difficult to follow her example with anything like what we are used to think of as good table manners. There were stewed quinces afterwards, and dates in syrup, and thick yellowy cream. It was the kind of dinner you hardly ever get in Fitzroy Street. After dinner everybody went to sleep, even the children. The Queen awoke with a start. 'Good gracious!' she cried, 'what a time we've slept! I must rush off and dress for the banquet. I shan't have much more than time.' 'Hasn't Ritti-Marduk got back with our sister and the Psammead yet?' Anthea asked. 'I QUITE forgot to ask. I'm sorry,' said the Queen. 'And of course they wouldn't announce her unless I told them to, except during justice hours. I expect she's waiting outside. I'll see.' Ritti-Marduk came in a moment later. 'I regret,' he said, 'that I have been unable to find your sister. The beast she bears with her in a basket has bitten the child of the guard, and your sister and the beast set out to come to you. The police say they have a clue. No doubt we shall have news of her in a few weeks.' He bowed and withdrew. The horror of this threefold loss--Jane, the Psammead, and the Amulet--gave the children something to talk about while the Queen was dressing. I shall not report their conversation; it was very gloomy. Everyone repeated himself several times, and the discussion ended in each of them blaming the other two for having let Jane go. You know the sort of talk it was, don't you? At last Cyril said-- 'After all, she's with the Psammead, so SHE'S all right. The Psammead is jolly careful of itself too. And it isn't as if we were in any danger. Let's try to buck up and enjoy the banquet.' They did enjoy the banquet. They had a beautiful bath, which was delicious, were heavily oiled all over, including their hair, and that was most unpleasant. Then, they dressed again and were presented to the King, who was most affable. The banquet was long; there were all sorts of nice things to eat, and everybody seemed to eat and drink a good deal. Everyone lay on cushions and couches, ladies on one side and gentlemen on the other; and after the eating was done each lady went and sat by some gentleman, who seemed to be her sweetheart or her husband, for they were very affectionate to each other. The Court dresses had gold threads woven in them, very bright and beautiful. The middle of the room was left clear, and different people came and did amusing things. There were conjurers and jugglers and snake-charmers, which last Anthea did not like at all. When it got dark torches were lighted. Cedar splinters dipped in oil blazed in copper dishes set high on poles. Then there was a dancer, who hardly danced at all, only just struck attitudes. She had hardly any clothes, and was not at all pretty. The children were rather bored by her, but everyone else was delighted, including the King. 'By the beard of Nimrod!' he cried, 'ask what you like girl, and you shall have it!' 'I want nothing,' said the dancer; 'the honour of having pleased the King may-he-live-for-ever is reward enough for me.' And the King was so pleased with this modest and sensible reply that he gave her the gold collar off his own neck. 'I say!' said Cyril, awed by the magnificence of the gift. 'It's all right,' whispered the Queen, 'it's not his best collar by any means. We always keep a stock of cheap jewellery for these occasions. And now--you promised to sing us something. Would you like my minstrels to accompany you?' 'No, thank you,' said Anthea quickly. The minstrels had been playing off and on all the time, and their music reminded Anthea of the band she and the others had once had on the fifth of November--with penny horns, a tin whistle, a tea-tray, the tongs, a policeman's rattle, and a toy drum. They had enjoyed this band very much at the time. But it was quite different when someone else was making the same kind of music. Anthea understood now that Father had not been really heartless and unreasonable when he had told them to stop that infuriating din. 'What shall we sing?' Cyril was asking. 'Sweet and low?' suggested Anthea. 'Too soft--I vote for "Who will o'er the downs". Now then--one, two, three. 'Oh, who will o'er the downs so free, Oh, who will with me ride, Oh, who will up and follow me, To win a blooming bride? Her father he has locked the door, Her mother keeps the key; But neither bolt nor bar shall keep My own true love from me.' Jane, the alto, was missing, and Robert, unlike the mother of the lady in the song, never could 'keep the key', but the song, even so, was sufficiently unlike anything any of them had ever heard to rouse the Babylonian Court to the wildest enthusiasm. 'More, more,' cried the King; 'by my beard, this savage music is a new thing. Sing again!' So they sang: 'I saw her bower at twilight gray, 'Twas guarded safe and sure. I saw her bower at break of day, 'Twas guarded then no more. The varlets they were all asleep, And there was none to see The greeting fair that passed there Between my love and me.' Shouts of applause greeted the ending of the verse, and the King would not be satisfied till they had sung all their part-songs (they only knew three) twice over, and ended up with 'Men of Harlech' in unison. Then the King stood up in his royal robes with his high, narrow crown on his head and shouted-- 'By the beak of Nisroch, ask what you will, strangers from the land where the sun never sets!' 'We ought to say it's enough honour, like the dancer did,' whispered Anthea. 'No, let's ask for IT,' said Robert. 'No, no, I'm sure the other's manners,' said Anthea. But Robert, who was excited by the music, and the flaring torches, and the applause and the opportunity, spoke up before the others could stop him. 'Give us the half of the Amulet that has on it the name UR HEKAU SETCHEH,' he said, adding as an afterthought, 'O King, live-for-ever.' As he spoke the great name those in the pillared hall fell on their faces, and lay still. All but the Queen who crouched amid her cushions with her head in her hands, and the King, who stood upright, perfectly still, like the statue of a king in stone. It was only for a moment though. Then his great voice thundered out-- 'Guard, seize them!' Instantly, from nowhere as it seemed, sprang eight soldiers in bright armour inlaid with gold, and tunics of red and white. Very splendid they were, and very alarming. 'Impious and sacrilegious wretches!' shouted the King. 'To the dungeons with them! We will find a way, tomorrow, to make them speak. For without doubt they can tell us where to find the lost half of It.' A wall of scarlet and white and steel and gold closed up round the children and hurried them away among the many pillars of the great hall. As they went they heard the voices of the courtiers loud in horror. 'You've done it this time,' said Cyril with extreme bitterness. 'Oh, it will come right. It MUST. It always does,' said Anthea desperately. They could not see where they were going, because the guard surrounded them so closely, but the ground under their feet, smooth marble at first, grew rougher like stone, then it was loose earth and sand, and they felt the night air. Then there was more stone, and steps down. 'It's my belief we really ARE going to the deepest dungeon below the castle moat this time,' said Cyril. And they were. At least it was not below a moat, but below the river Euphrates, which was just as bad if not worse. In a most unpleasant place it was. Dark, very, very damp, and with an odd, musty smell rather like the shells of oysters. There was a torch--that is to say, a copper basket on a high stick with oiled wood burning in it. By its light the children saw that the walls were green, and that trickles of water ran down them and dripped from the roof. There were things on the floor that looked like newts, and in the dark corners creepy, shiny things moved sluggishly, uneasily, horribly. Robert's heart sank right into those really reliable boots of his. Anthea and Cyril each had a private struggle with that inside disagreeableness which is part of all of us, and which is sometimes called the Old Adam--and both were victors. Neither of them said to Robert (and both tried hard not even to think it), 'This is YOUR doing.' Anthea had the additional temptation to add, 'I told you so.' And she resisted it successfully. 'Sacrilege, and impious cheek,' said the captain of the guard to the gaoler. 'To be kept during the King's pleasure. I expect he means to get some pleasure out of them tomorrow! He'll tickle them up!' 'Poor little kids,' said the gaoler. 'Oh, yes,' said the captain. 'I've got kids of my own too. But it doesn't do to let domestic sentiment interfere with one's public duties. Good night.' The soldiers tramped heavily off in their white and red and steel and gold. The gaoler, with a bunch of big keys in his hand, stood looking pityingly at the children. He shook his head twice and went out. 'Courage!' said Anthea. 'I know it will be all right. It's only a dream REALLY, you know. It MUST be! I don't believe about time being only a something or other of thought. It IS a dream, and we're bound to wake up all right and safe.' 'Humph,' said Cyril bitterly. And Robert suddenly said-- 'It's all my doing. If it really IS all up do please not keep a down on me about it, and tell Father--Oh, I forgot.' What he had forgotten was that his father was 3,000 miles and 5,000 or more years away from him. 'All right, Bobs, old man,' said Cyril; and Anthea got hold of Robert's hand and squeezed it. Then the gaoler came back with a platter of hard, flat cakes made of coarse grain, very different from the cream-and-juicy-date feasts of the palace; also a pitcher of water. 'There,' he said. 'Oh, thank you so very much. You ARE kind,' said Anthea feverishly. 'Go to sleep,' said the gaoler, pointing to a heap of straw in a corner; 'tomorrow comes soon enough.' 'Oh, dear Mr Gaoler,' said Anthea, 'whatever will they do to us tomorrow?' 'They'll try to make you tell things,' said the gaoler grimly, 'and my advice is if you've nothing to tell, make up something. Then perhaps they'll sell you to the Northern nations. Regular savages THEY are. Good night.' 'Good night,' said three trembling voices, which their owners strove in vain to render firm. Then he went out, and the three were left alone in the damp, dim vault. 'I know the light won't last long,' said Cyril, looking at the flickering brazier. 'Is it any good, do you think, calling on the name when we haven't got the charm?' suggested Anthea. 'I shouldn't think so. But we might try.' So they tried. But the blank silence of the damp dungeon remained unchanged. 'What was the name the Queen said?' asked Cyril suddenly. 'Nisbeth--Nesbit--something? You know, the slave of the great names?' 'Wait a sec,' said Robert, 'though I | boots | How many times the word 'boots' appears in the text? | 1 |
woman and said, 'You'll take me home with you, won't you? And let me play with your little girls till the others have done with the Queen.' 'Surely I will, little heart!' said the woman. And then Anthea hurriedly stroked the Psammead and embraced Jane, who took the woman's hand, and trotted contentedly away with the Psammead's bag under the other arm. The others stood looking after her till she, the woman, and the basket were lost in the many-coloured crowd. Then Anthea turned once more to the palace's magnificent doorway and said-- 'Let's ask the porter to take care of our Babylonian overcoats.' So they took off the garments that the woman had lent them and stood amid the jostling petitioners of the Queen in their own English frocks and coats and hats and boots. 'We want to see the Queen,' said Cyril; 'we come from the far Empire where the sun never sets!' A murmur of surprise and a thrill of excitement ran through the crowd. The door-porter spoke to a black man, he spoke to someone else. There was a whispering, waiting pause. Then a big man, with a cleanly-shaven face, beckoned them from the top of a flight of red marble steps. They went up; the boots of Robert clattering more than usual because he was so nervous. A door swung open, a curtain was drawn back. A double line of bowing forms in gorgeous raiment formed a lane that led to the steps of the throne, and as the children advanced hurriedly there came from the throne a voice very sweet and kind. 'Three children from the land where the sun never sets! Let them draw hither without fear.' In another minute they were kneeling at the throne's foot, saying, 'O Queen, live for ever!' exactly as the woman had taught them. And a splendid dream-lady, all gold and silver and jewels and snowy drift of veils, was raising Anthea, and saying-- 'Don't be frightened, I really am SO glad you came! The land where the sun never sets! I am delighted to see you! I was getting quite too dreadfully bored for anything!' And behind Anthea the kneeling Cyril whispered in the ears of the respectful Robert-- 'Bobs, don't say anything to Panther. It's no use upsetting her, but we didn't ask for Jane's address, and the Psammead's with her.' 'Well,' whispered Robert, 'the charm can bring them to us at any moment. IT said so.' 'Oh, yes,' whispered Cyril, in miserable derision, 'WE'RE all right, of course. So we are! Oh, yes! If we'd only GOT the charm.' Then Robert saw, and he murmured, 'Crikey!' at the foot of the throne of Babylon; while Cyril hoarsely whispered the plain English fact-- 'Jane's got the charm round her neck, you silly cuckoo.' 'Crikey!' Robert repeated in heart-broken undertones. CHAPTER 7. 'THE DEEPEST DUNGEON BELOW THE CASTLE MOAT' The Queen threw three of the red and gold embroidered cushions off the throne on to the marble steps that led up to it. 'Just make yourselves comfortable there,' she said. 'I'm simply dying to talk to you, and to hear all about your wonderful country and how you got here, and everything, but I have to do justice every morning. Such a bore, isn't it? Do you do justice in your own country?' 'No, said Cyril; 'at least of course we try to, but not in this public sort of way, only in private.' 'Ah, yes,' said the Queen, 'I should much prefer a private audience myself--much easier to manage. But public opinion has to be considered. Doing justice is very hard work, even when you're brought up to it.' 'We don't do justice, but we have to do scales, Jane and me,' said Anthea, 'twenty minutes a day. It's simply horrid.' 'What are scales?' asked the Queen, 'and what is Jane?' 'Jane is my little sister. One of the guards-at-the-gate's wife is taking care of her. And scales are music.' 'I never heard of the instrument,' said the Queen. 'Do you sing?' 'Oh, yes. We can sing in parts,' said Anthea. 'That IS magic,' said the Queen. 'How many parts are you each cut into before you do it?' 'We aren't cut at all,' said Robert hastily. 'We couldn't sing if we were. We'll show you afterwards.' 'So you shall, and now sit quiet like dear children and hear me do justice. The way I do it has always been admired. I oughtn't to say that ought I? Sounds so conceited. But I don't mind with you, dears. Somehow I feel as though I'd known you quite a long time already.' The Queen settled herself on her throne and made a signal to her attendants. The children, whispering together among the cushions on the steps of the throne, decided that she was very beautiful and very kind, but perhaps just the least bit flighty. The first person who came to ask for justice was a woman whose brother had taken the money the father had left for her. The brother said it was the uncle who had the money. There was a good deal of talk and the children were growing rather bored, when the Queen suddenly clapped her hands, and said-- 'Put both the men in prison till one of them owns up that the other is innocent.' 'But suppose they both did it?' Cyril could not help interrupting. 'Then prison's the best place for them,' said the Queen. 'But suppose neither did it.' 'That's impossible,' said the Queen; 'a thing's not done unless someone does it. And you mustn't interrupt.' Then came a woman, in tears, with a torn veil and real ashes on her head--at least Anthea thought so, but it may have been only road-dust. She complained that her husband was in prison. 'What for?' said the Queen. 'They SAID it was for speaking evil of your Majesty,' said the woman, 'but it wasn't. Someone had a spite against him. That was what it was.' 'How do you know he hadn't spoken evil of me?' said the Queen. 'No one could,' said the woman simply, 'when they'd once seen your beautiful face.' 'Let the man out,' said the Queen, smiling. 'Next case.' The next case was that of a boy who had stolen a fox. 'Like the Spartan boy,' whispered Robert. But the Queen ruled that nobody could have any possible reason for owning a fox, and still less for stealing one. And she did not believe that there were any foxes in Babylon; she, at any rate, had never seen one. So the boy was released. The people came to the Queen about all sorts of family quarrels and neighbourly misunderstandings--from a fight between brothers over the division of an inheritance, to the dishonest and unfriendly conduct of a woman who had borrowed a cooking-pot at the last New Year's festival, and not returned it yet. And the Queen decided everything, very, very decidedly indeed. At last she clapped her hands quite suddenly and with extreme loudness, and said-- 'The audience is over for today.' Everyone said, 'May the Queen live for ever!' and went out. And the children were left alone in the justice-hall with the Queen of Babylon and her ladies. 'There!' said the Queen, with a long sigh of relief. 'THAT'S over! I couldn't have done another stitch of justice if you'd offered me the crown of Egypt! Now come into the garden, and we'll have a nice, long, cosy talk.' She led them through long, narrow corridors whose walls they somehow felt, were very, very thick, into a sort of garden courtyard. There were thick shrubs closely planted, and roses were trained over trellises, and made a pleasant shade--needed, indeed, for already the sun was as hot as it is in England in August at the seaside. Slaves spread cushions on a low, marble terrace, and a big man with a smooth face served cool drink in cups of gold studded with beryls. He drank a little from the Queen's cup before handing it to her. 'That's rather a nasty trick,' whispered Robert, who had been carefully taught never to drink out of one of the nice, shiny, metal cups that are chained to the London drinking fountains without first rinsing it out thoroughly. The Queen overheard him. 'Not at all,' said she. 'Ritti-Marduk is a very clean man. And one has to have SOME ONE as taster, you know, because of poison.' The word made the children feel rather creepy; but Ritti-Marduk had tasted all the cups, so they felt pretty safe. The drink was delicious--very cold, and tasting like lemonade and partly like penny ices. 'Leave us,' said the Queen. And all the Court ladies, in their beautiful, many-folded, many-coloured, fringed dresses, filed out slowly, and the children were left alone with the Queen. 'Now,' she said, 'tell me all about yourselves.' They looked at each other. 'You, Bobs,' said Cyril. 'No--Anthea,' said Robert. 'No--you--Cyril,' said Anthea. 'Don't you remember how pleased the Queen of India was when you told her all about us?' Cyril muttered that it was all very well, and so it was. For when he had told the tale of the Phoenix and the Carpet to the Ranee, it had been only the truth--and all the truth that he had to tell. But now it was not easy to tell a convincing story without mentioning the Amulet--which, of course, it wouldn't have done to mention--and without owning that they were really living in London, about 2,500 years later than the time they were talking in. Cyril took refuge in the tale of the Psammead and its wonderful power of making wishes come true. The children had never been able to tell anyone before, and Cyril was surprised to find that the spell which kept them silent in London did not work here. 'Something to do with our being in the Past, I suppose,' he said to himself. 'This is MOST interesting,' said the Queen. 'We must have this Psammead for the banquet tonight. Its performance will be one of the most popular turns in the whole programme. Where is it?' Anthea explained that they did not know; also why it was that they did not know. 'Oh, THAT'S quite simple,' said the Queen, and everyone breathed a deep sigh of relief as she said it. 'Ritti-Marduk shall run down to the gates and find out which guard your sister went home with.' 'Might he'--Anthea's voice was tremulous--'might he--would it interfere with his meal-times, or anything like that, if he went NOW?' 'Of course he shall go now. He may think himself lucky if he gets his meals at any time,' said the Queen heartily, and clapped her hands. 'May I send a letter?' asked Cyril, pulling out a red-backed penny account-book, and feeling in his pockets for a stump of pencil that he knew was in one of them. 'By all means. I'll call my scribe.' 'Oh, I can scribe right enough, thanks,' said Cyril, finding the pencil and licking its point. He even had to bite the wood a little, for it was very blunt. 'Oh, you clever, clever boy!' said the Queen. 'DO let me watch you do it!' Cyril wrote on a leaf of the book--it was of rough, woolly paper, with hairs that stuck out and would have got in his pen if he had been using one, and ruled for accounts. 'Hide IT most carefully before you come here,' he wrote, 'and don't mention it--and destroy this letter. Everything is going A1. The Queen is a fair treat. There's nothing to be afraid of.' 'What curious characters, and what a strange flat surface!' said the Queen. 'What have you inscribed?' 'I've 'scribed,' replied Cyril cautiously, 'that you are fair, and a--and like a--like a festival; and that she need not be afraid, and that she is to come at once.' Ritti-Marduk, who had come in and had stood waiting while Cyril wrote, his Babylonish eyes nearly starting out of his Babylonish head, now took the letter, with some reluctance. 'O Queen, live for ever! Is it a charm?' he timidly asked. 'A strong charm, most great lady?' 'YES,' said Robert, unexpectedly, 'it IS a charm, but it won't hurt anyone until you've given it to Jane. And then she'll destroy it, so that it CAN'T hurt anyone. It's most awful strong!--as strong as--Peppermint!' he ended abruptly. 'I know not the god,' said Ritti-Marduk, bending timorously. 'She'll tear it up directly she gets it,' said Robert, 'That'll end the charm. You needn't be afraid if you go now.' Ritti-Marduk went, seeming only partly satisfied; and then the Queen began to admire the penny account-book and the bit of pencil in so marked and significant a way that Cyril felt he could not do less than press them upon her as a gift. She ruffled the leaves delightedly. 'What a wonderful substance!' she said. 'And with this style you make charms? Make a charm for me! Do you know,' her voice sank to a whisper, 'the names of the great ones of your own far country?' 'Rather!' said Cyril, and hastily wrote the names of Alfred the Great, Shakespeare, Nelson, Gordon, Lord Beaconsfield, Mr Rudyard Kipling, and Mr Sherlock Holmes, while the Queen watched him with 'unbaited breath', as Anthea said afterwards. She took the book and hid it reverently among the bright folds of her gown. 'You shall teach me later to say the great names,' she said. 'And the names of their Ministers--perhaps the great Nisroch is one of them?' 'I don't think so,' said Cyril. 'Mr Campbell Bannerman's Prime Minister and Mr Burns a Minister, and so is the Archbishop of Canterbury, I think, but I'm not sure--and Dr Parker was one, I know, and--' 'No more,' said the Queen, putting her hands to her ears. 'My head's going round with all those great names. You shall teach them to me later--because of course you'll make us a nice long visit now you have come, won't you? Now tell me--but no, I am quite tired out with your being so clever. Besides, I'm sure you'd like ME to tell YOU something, wouldn't you?' 'Yes,' said Anthea. 'I want to know how it is that the King has gone--' 'Excuse me, but you should say "the King may-he-live-for-ever",' said the Queen gently. 'I beg your pardon,' Anthea hastened to say--'the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone to fetch home his fourteenth wife? I don't think even Bluebeard had as many as that. And, besides, he hasn't killed YOU at any rate.' The Queen looked bewildered. 'She means,' explained Robert, 'that English kings only have one wife--at least, Henry the Eighth had seven or eight, but not all at once.' 'In our country,' said the Queen scornfully, 'a king would not reign a day who had only one wife. No one would respect him, and quite right too.' 'Then are all the other thirteen alive?' asked Anthea. 'Of course they are--poor mean-spirited things! I don't associate with them, of course, I am the Queen: they're only the wives.' 'I see,' said Anthea, gasping. 'But oh, my dears,' the Queen went on, 'such a to-do as there's been about this last wife! You never did! It really was TOO funny. We wanted an Egyptian princess. The King may-he-live-for-ever has got a wife from most of the important nations, and he had set his heart on an Egyptian one to complete his collection. Well, of course, to begin with, we sent a handsome present of gold. The Egyptian king sent back some horses--quite a few; he's fearfully stingy!--and he said he liked the gold very much, but what they were really short of was lapis lazuli, so of course we sent him some. But by that time he'd begun to use the gold to cover the beams of the roof of the Temple of the Sun-God, and he hadn't nearly enough to finish the job, so we sent some more. And so it went on, oh, for years. You see each journey takes at least six months. And at last we asked the hand of his daughter in marriage.' 'Yes, and then?' said Anthea, who wanted to get to the princess part of the story. 'Well, then,' said the Queen, 'when he'd got everything out of us that he could, and only given the meanest presents in return, he sent to say he would esteem the honour of an alliance very highly, only unfortunately he hadn't any daughter, but he hoped one would be born soon, and if so, she should certainly be reserved for the King of Babylon!' 'What a trick!' said Cyril. 'Yes, wasn't it? So then we said his sister would do, and then there were more gifts and more journeys; and now at last the tiresome, black-haired thing is coming, and the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone seven days' journey to meet her at Carchemish. And he's gone in his best chariot, the one inlaid with lapis lazuli and gold, with the gold-plated wheels and onyx-studded hubs--much too great an honour in my opinion. She'll be here tonight; there'll be a grand banquet to celebrate her arrival. SHE won't be present, of course. She'll be having her baths and her anointings, and all that sort of thing. We always clean our foreign brides very carefully. It takes two or three weeks. Now it's dinnertime, and you shall eat with me, for I can see that you are of high rank.' She led them into a dark, cool hall, with many cushions on the floor. On these they sat and low tables were brought--beautiful tables of smooth, blue stone mounted in gold. On these, golden trays were placed; but there were no knives, or forks, or spoons. The children expected the Queen to call for them; but no. She just ate with her fingers, and as the first dish was a great tray of boiled corn, and meat and raisins all mixed up together, and melted fat poured all over the tray, it was found difficult to follow her example with anything like what we are used to think of as good table manners. There were stewed quinces afterwards, and dates in syrup, and thick yellowy cream. It was the kind of dinner you hardly ever get in Fitzroy Street. After dinner everybody went to sleep, even the children. The Queen awoke with a start. 'Good gracious!' she cried, 'what a time we've slept! I must rush off and dress for the banquet. I shan't have much more than time.' 'Hasn't Ritti-Marduk got back with our sister and the Psammead yet?' Anthea asked. 'I QUITE forgot to ask. I'm sorry,' said the Queen. 'And of course they wouldn't announce her unless I told them to, except during justice hours. I expect she's waiting outside. I'll see.' Ritti-Marduk came in a moment later. 'I regret,' he said, 'that I have been unable to find your sister. The beast she bears with her in a basket has bitten the child of the guard, and your sister and the beast set out to come to you. The police say they have a clue. No doubt we shall have news of her in a few weeks.' He bowed and withdrew. The horror of this threefold loss--Jane, the Psammead, and the Amulet--gave the children something to talk about while the Queen was dressing. I shall not report their conversation; it was very gloomy. Everyone repeated himself several times, and the discussion ended in each of them blaming the other two for having let Jane go. You know the sort of talk it was, don't you? At last Cyril said-- 'After all, she's with the Psammead, so SHE'S all right. The Psammead is jolly careful of itself too. And it isn't as if we were in any danger. Let's try to buck up and enjoy the banquet.' They did enjoy the banquet. They had a beautiful bath, which was delicious, were heavily oiled all over, including their hair, and that was most unpleasant. Then, they dressed again and were presented to the King, who was most affable. The banquet was long; there were all sorts of nice things to eat, and everybody seemed to eat and drink a good deal. Everyone lay on cushions and couches, ladies on one side and gentlemen on the other; and after the eating was done each lady went and sat by some gentleman, who seemed to be her sweetheart or her husband, for they were very affectionate to each other. The Court dresses had gold threads woven in them, very bright and beautiful. The middle of the room was left clear, and different people came and did amusing things. There were conjurers and jugglers and snake-charmers, which last Anthea did not like at all. When it got dark torches were lighted. Cedar splinters dipped in oil blazed in copper dishes set high on poles. Then there was a dancer, who hardly danced at all, only just struck attitudes. She had hardly any clothes, and was not at all pretty. The children were rather bored by her, but everyone else was delighted, including the King. 'By the beard of Nimrod!' he cried, 'ask what you like girl, and you shall have it!' 'I want nothing,' said the dancer; 'the honour of having pleased the King may-he-live-for-ever is reward enough for me.' And the King was so pleased with this modest and sensible reply that he gave her the gold collar off his own neck. 'I say!' said Cyril, awed by the magnificence of the gift. 'It's all right,' whispered the Queen, 'it's not his best collar by any means. We always keep a stock of cheap jewellery for these occasions. And now--you promised to sing us something. Would you like my minstrels to accompany you?' 'No, thank you,' said Anthea quickly. The minstrels had been playing off and on all the time, and their music reminded Anthea of the band she and the others had once had on the fifth of November--with penny horns, a tin whistle, a tea-tray, the tongs, a policeman's rattle, and a toy drum. They had enjoyed this band very much at the time. But it was quite different when someone else was making the same kind of music. Anthea understood now that Father had not been really heartless and unreasonable when he had told them to stop that infuriating din. 'What shall we sing?' Cyril was asking. 'Sweet and low?' suggested Anthea. 'Too soft--I vote for "Who will o'er the downs". Now then--one, two, three. 'Oh, who will o'er the downs so free, Oh, who will with me ride, Oh, who will up and follow me, To win a blooming bride? Her father he has locked the door, Her mother keeps the key; But neither bolt nor bar shall keep My own true love from me.' Jane, the alto, was missing, and Robert, unlike the mother of the lady in the song, never could 'keep the key', but the song, even so, was sufficiently unlike anything any of them had ever heard to rouse the Babylonian Court to the wildest enthusiasm. 'More, more,' cried the King; 'by my beard, this savage music is a new thing. Sing again!' So they sang: 'I saw her bower at twilight gray, 'Twas guarded safe and sure. I saw her bower at break of day, 'Twas guarded then no more. The varlets they were all asleep, And there was none to see The greeting fair that passed there Between my love and me.' Shouts of applause greeted the ending of the verse, and the King would not be satisfied till they had sung all their part-songs (they only knew three) twice over, and ended up with 'Men of Harlech' in unison. Then the King stood up in his royal robes with his high, narrow crown on his head and shouted-- 'By the beak of Nisroch, ask what you will, strangers from the land where the sun never sets!' 'We ought to say it's enough honour, like the dancer did,' whispered Anthea. 'No, let's ask for IT,' said Robert. 'No, no, I'm sure the other's manners,' said Anthea. But Robert, who was excited by the music, and the flaring torches, and the applause and the opportunity, spoke up before the others could stop him. 'Give us the half of the Amulet that has on it the name UR HEKAU SETCHEH,' he said, adding as an afterthought, 'O King, live-for-ever.' As he spoke the great name those in the pillared hall fell on their faces, and lay still. All but the Queen who crouched amid her cushions with her head in her hands, and the King, who stood upright, perfectly still, like the statue of a king in stone. It was only for a moment though. Then his great voice thundered out-- 'Guard, seize them!' Instantly, from nowhere as it seemed, sprang eight soldiers in bright armour inlaid with gold, and tunics of red and white. Very splendid they were, and very alarming. 'Impious and sacrilegious wretches!' shouted the King. 'To the dungeons with them! We will find a way, tomorrow, to make them speak. For without doubt they can tell us where to find the lost half of It.' A wall of scarlet and white and steel and gold closed up round the children and hurried them away among the many pillars of the great hall. As they went they heard the voices of the courtiers loud in horror. 'You've done it this time,' said Cyril with extreme bitterness. 'Oh, it will come right. It MUST. It always does,' said Anthea desperately. They could not see where they were going, because the guard surrounded them so closely, but the ground under their feet, smooth marble at first, grew rougher like stone, then it was loose earth and sand, and they felt the night air. Then there was more stone, and steps down. 'It's my belief we really ARE going to the deepest dungeon below the castle moat this time,' said Cyril. And they were. At least it was not below a moat, but below the river Euphrates, which was just as bad if not worse. In a most unpleasant place it was. Dark, very, very damp, and with an odd, musty smell rather like the shells of oysters. There was a torch--that is to say, a copper basket on a high stick with oiled wood burning in it. By its light the children saw that the walls were green, and that trickles of water ran down them and dripped from the roof. There were things on the floor that looked like newts, and in the dark corners creepy, shiny things moved sluggishly, uneasily, horribly. Robert's heart sank right into those really reliable boots of his. Anthea and Cyril each had a private struggle with that inside disagreeableness which is part of all of us, and which is sometimes called the Old Adam--and both were victors. Neither of them said to Robert (and both tried hard not even to think it), 'This is YOUR doing.' Anthea had the additional temptation to add, 'I told you so.' And she resisted it successfully. 'Sacrilege, and impious cheek,' said the captain of the guard to the gaoler. 'To be kept during the King's pleasure. I expect he means to get some pleasure out of them tomorrow! He'll tickle them up!' 'Poor little kids,' said the gaoler. 'Oh, yes,' said the captain. 'I've got kids of my own too. But it doesn't do to let domestic sentiment interfere with one's public duties. Good night.' The soldiers tramped heavily off in their white and red and steel and gold. The gaoler, with a bunch of big keys in his hand, stood looking pityingly at the children. He shook his head twice and went out. 'Courage!' said Anthea. 'I know it will be all right. It's only a dream REALLY, you know. It MUST be! I don't believe about time being only a something or other of thought. It IS a dream, and we're bound to wake up all right and safe.' 'Humph,' said Cyril bitterly. And Robert suddenly said-- 'It's all my doing. If it really IS all up do please not keep a down on me about it, and tell Father--Oh, I forgot.' What he had forgotten was that his father was 3,000 miles and 5,000 or more years away from him. 'All right, Bobs, old man,' said Cyril; and Anthea got hold of Robert's hand and squeezed it. Then the gaoler came back with a platter of hard, flat cakes made of coarse grain, very different from the cream-and-juicy-date feasts of the palace; also a pitcher of water. 'There,' he said. 'Oh, thank you so very much. You ARE kind,' said Anthea feverishly. 'Go to sleep,' said the gaoler, pointing to a heap of straw in a corner; 'tomorrow comes soon enough.' 'Oh, dear Mr Gaoler,' said Anthea, 'whatever will they do to us tomorrow?' 'They'll try to make you tell things,' said the gaoler grimly, 'and my advice is if you've nothing to tell, make up something. Then perhaps they'll sell you to the Northern nations. Regular savages THEY are. Good night.' 'Good night,' said three trembling voices, which their owners strove in vain to render firm. Then he went out, and the three were left alone in the damp, dim vault. 'I know the light won't last long,' said Cyril, looking at the flickering brazier. 'Is it any good, do you think, calling on the name when we haven't got the charm?' suggested Anthea. 'I shouldn't think so. But we might try.' So they tried. But the blank silence of the damp dungeon remained unchanged. 'What was the name the Queen said?' asked Cyril suddenly. 'Nisbeth--Nesbit--something? You know, the slave of the great names?' 'Wait a sec,' said Robert, 'though I | anyone | How many times the word 'anyone' appears in the text? | 3 |
woman and said, 'You'll take me home with you, won't you? And let me play with your little girls till the others have done with the Queen.' 'Surely I will, little heart!' said the woman. And then Anthea hurriedly stroked the Psammead and embraced Jane, who took the woman's hand, and trotted contentedly away with the Psammead's bag under the other arm. The others stood looking after her till she, the woman, and the basket were lost in the many-coloured crowd. Then Anthea turned once more to the palace's magnificent doorway and said-- 'Let's ask the porter to take care of our Babylonian overcoats.' So they took off the garments that the woman had lent them and stood amid the jostling petitioners of the Queen in their own English frocks and coats and hats and boots. 'We want to see the Queen,' said Cyril; 'we come from the far Empire where the sun never sets!' A murmur of surprise and a thrill of excitement ran through the crowd. The door-porter spoke to a black man, he spoke to someone else. There was a whispering, waiting pause. Then a big man, with a cleanly-shaven face, beckoned them from the top of a flight of red marble steps. They went up; the boots of Robert clattering more than usual because he was so nervous. A door swung open, a curtain was drawn back. A double line of bowing forms in gorgeous raiment formed a lane that led to the steps of the throne, and as the children advanced hurriedly there came from the throne a voice very sweet and kind. 'Three children from the land where the sun never sets! Let them draw hither without fear.' In another minute they were kneeling at the throne's foot, saying, 'O Queen, live for ever!' exactly as the woman had taught them. And a splendid dream-lady, all gold and silver and jewels and snowy drift of veils, was raising Anthea, and saying-- 'Don't be frightened, I really am SO glad you came! The land where the sun never sets! I am delighted to see you! I was getting quite too dreadfully bored for anything!' And behind Anthea the kneeling Cyril whispered in the ears of the respectful Robert-- 'Bobs, don't say anything to Panther. It's no use upsetting her, but we didn't ask for Jane's address, and the Psammead's with her.' 'Well,' whispered Robert, 'the charm can bring them to us at any moment. IT said so.' 'Oh, yes,' whispered Cyril, in miserable derision, 'WE'RE all right, of course. So we are! Oh, yes! If we'd only GOT the charm.' Then Robert saw, and he murmured, 'Crikey!' at the foot of the throne of Babylon; while Cyril hoarsely whispered the plain English fact-- 'Jane's got the charm round her neck, you silly cuckoo.' 'Crikey!' Robert repeated in heart-broken undertones. CHAPTER 7. 'THE DEEPEST DUNGEON BELOW THE CASTLE MOAT' The Queen threw three of the red and gold embroidered cushions off the throne on to the marble steps that led up to it. 'Just make yourselves comfortable there,' she said. 'I'm simply dying to talk to you, and to hear all about your wonderful country and how you got here, and everything, but I have to do justice every morning. Such a bore, isn't it? Do you do justice in your own country?' 'No, said Cyril; 'at least of course we try to, but not in this public sort of way, only in private.' 'Ah, yes,' said the Queen, 'I should much prefer a private audience myself--much easier to manage. But public opinion has to be considered. Doing justice is very hard work, even when you're brought up to it.' 'We don't do justice, but we have to do scales, Jane and me,' said Anthea, 'twenty minutes a day. It's simply horrid.' 'What are scales?' asked the Queen, 'and what is Jane?' 'Jane is my little sister. One of the guards-at-the-gate's wife is taking care of her. And scales are music.' 'I never heard of the instrument,' said the Queen. 'Do you sing?' 'Oh, yes. We can sing in parts,' said Anthea. 'That IS magic,' said the Queen. 'How many parts are you each cut into before you do it?' 'We aren't cut at all,' said Robert hastily. 'We couldn't sing if we were. We'll show you afterwards.' 'So you shall, and now sit quiet like dear children and hear me do justice. The way I do it has always been admired. I oughtn't to say that ought I? Sounds so conceited. But I don't mind with you, dears. Somehow I feel as though I'd known you quite a long time already.' The Queen settled herself on her throne and made a signal to her attendants. The children, whispering together among the cushions on the steps of the throne, decided that she was very beautiful and very kind, but perhaps just the least bit flighty. The first person who came to ask for justice was a woman whose brother had taken the money the father had left for her. The brother said it was the uncle who had the money. There was a good deal of talk and the children were growing rather bored, when the Queen suddenly clapped her hands, and said-- 'Put both the men in prison till one of them owns up that the other is innocent.' 'But suppose they both did it?' Cyril could not help interrupting. 'Then prison's the best place for them,' said the Queen. 'But suppose neither did it.' 'That's impossible,' said the Queen; 'a thing's not done unless someone does it. And you mustn't interrupt.' Then came a woman, in tears, with a torn veil and real ashes on her head--at least Anthea thought so, but it may have been only road-dust. She complained that her husband was in prison. 'What for?' said the Queen. 'They SAID it was for speaking evil of your Majesty,' said the woman, 'but it wasn't. Someone had a spite against him. That was what it was.' 'How do you know he hadn't spoken evil of me?' said the Queen. 'No one could,' said the woman simply, 'when they'd once seen your beautiful face.' 'Let the man out,' said the Queen, smiling. 'Next case.' The next case was that of a boy who had stolen a fox. 'Like the Spartan boy,' whispered Robert. But the Queen ruled that nobody could have any possible reason for owning a fox, and still less for stealing one. And she did not believe that there were any foxes in Babylon; she, at any rate, had never seen one. So the boy was released. The people came to the Queen about all sorts of family quarrels and neighbourly misunderstandings--from a fight between brothers over the division of an inheritance, to the dishonest and unfriendly conduct of a woman who had borrowed a cooking-pot at the last New Year's festival, and not returned it yet. And the Queen decided everything, very, very decidedly indeed. At last she clapped her hands quite suddenly and with extreme loudness, and said-- 'The audience is over for today.' Everyone said, 'May the Queen live for ever!' and went out. And the children were left alone in the justice-hall with the Queen of Babylon and her ladies. 'There!' said the Queen, with a long sigh of relief. 'THAT'S over! I couldn't have done another stitch of justice if you'd offered me the crown of Egypt! Now come into the garden, and we'll have a nice, long, cosy talk.' She led them through long, narrow corridors whose walls they somehow felt, were very, very thick, into a sort of garden courtyard. There were thick shrubs closely planted, and roses were trained over trellises, and made a pleasant shade--needed, indeed, for already the sun was as hot as it is in England in August at the seaside. Slaves spread cushions on a low, marble terrace, and a big man with a smooth face served cool drink in cups of gold studded with beryls. He drank a little from the Queen's cup before handing it to her. 'That's rather a nasty trick,' whispered Robert, who had been carefully taught never to drink out of one of the nice, shiny, metal cups that are chained to the London drinking fountains without first rinsing it out thoroughly. The Queen overheard him. 'Not at all,' said she. 'Ritti-Marduk is a very clean man. And one has to have SOME ONE as taster, you know, because of poison.' The word made the children feel rather creepy; but Ritti-Marduk had tasted all the cups, so they felt pretty safe. The drink was delicious--very cold, and tasting like lemonade and partly like penny ices. 'Leave us,' said the Queen. And all the Court ladies, in their beautiful, many-folded, many-coloured, fringed dresses, filed out slowly, and the children were left alone with the Queen. 'Now,' she said, 'tell me all about yourselves.' They looked at each other. 'You, Bobs,' said Cyril. 'No--Anthea,' said Robert. 'No--you--Cyril,' said Anthea. 'Don't you remember how pleased the Queen of India was when you told her all about us?' Cyril muttered that it was all very well, and so it was. For when he had told the tale of the Phoenix and the Carpet to the Ranee, it had been only the truth--and all the truth that he had to tell. But now it was not easy to tell a convincing story without mentioning the Amulet--which, of course, it wouldn't have done to mention--and without owning that they were really living in London, about 2,500 years later than the time they were talking in. Cyril took refuge in the tale of the Psammead and its wonderful power of making wishes come true. The children had never been able to tell anyone before, and Cyril was surprised to find that the spell which kept them silent in London did not work here. 'Something to do with our being in the Past, I suppose,' he said to himself. 'This is MOST interesting,' said the Queen. 'We must have this Psammead for the banquet tonight. Its performance will be one of the most popular turns in the whole programme. Where is it?' Anthea explained that they did not know; also why it was that they did not know. 'Oh, THAT'S quite simple,' said the Queen, and everyone breathed a deep sigh of relief as she said it. 'Ritti-Marduk shall run down to the gates and find out which guard your sister went home with.' 'Might he'--Anthea's voice was tremulous--'might he--would it interfere with his meal-times, or anything like that, if he went NOW?' 'Of course he shall go now. He may think himself lucky if he gets his meals at any time,' said the Queen heartily, and clapped her hands. 'May I send a letter?' asked Cyril, pulling out a red-backed penny account-book, and feeling in his pockets for a stump of pencil that he knew was in one of them. 'By all means. I'll call my scribe.' 'Oh, I can scribe right enough, thanks,' said Cyril, finding the pencil and licking its point. He even had to bite the wood a little, for it was very blunt. 'Oh, you clever, clever boy!' said the Queen. 'DO let me watch you do it!' Cyril wrote on a leaf of the book--it was of rough, woolly paper, with hairs that stuck out and would have got in his pen if he had been using one, and ruled for accounts. 'Hide IT most carefully before you come here,' he wrote, 'and don't mention it--and destroy this letter. Everything is going A1. The Queen is a fair treat. There's nothing to be afraid of.' 'What curious characters, and what a strange flat surface!' said the Queen. 'What have you inscribed?' 'I've 'scribed,' replied Cyril cautiously, 'that you are fair, and a--and like a--like a festival; and that she need not be afraid, and that she is to come at once.' Ritti-Marduk, who had come in and had stood waiting while Cyril wrote, his Babylonish eyes nearly starting out of his Babylonish head, now took the letter, with some reluctance. 'O Queen, live for ever! Is it a charm?' he timidly asked. 'A strong charm, most great lady?' 'YES,' said Robert, unexpectedly, 'it IS a charm, but it won't hurt anyone until you've given it to Jane. And then she'll destroy it, so that it CAN'T hurt anyone. It's most awful strong!--as strong as--Peppermint!' he ended abruptly. 'I know not the god,' said Ritti-Marduk, bending timorously. 'She'll tear it up directly she gets it,' said Robert, 'That'll end the charm. You needn't be afraid if you go now.' Ritti-Marduk went, seeming only partly satisfied; and then the Queen began to admire the penny account-book and the bit of pencil in so marked and significant a way that Cyril felt he could not do less than press them upon her as a gift. She ruffled the leaves delightedly. 'What a wonderful substance!' she said. 'And with this style you make charms? Make a charm for me! Do you know,' her voice sank to a whisper, 'the names of the great ones of your own far country?' 'Rather!' said Cyril, and hastily wrote the names of Alfred the Great, Shakespeare, Nelson, Gordon, Lord Beaconsfield, Mr Rudyard Kipling, and Mr Sherlock Holmes, while the Queen watched him with 'unbaited breath', as Anthea said afterwards. She took the book and hid it reverently among the bright folds of her gown. 'You shall teach me later to say the great names,' she said. 'And the names of their Ministers--perhaps the great Nisroch is one of them?' 'I don't think so,' said Cyril. 'Mr Campbell Bannerman's Prime Minister and Mr Burns a Minister, and so is the Archbishop of Canterbury, I think, but I'm not sure--and Dr Parker was one, I know, and--' 'No more,' said the Queen, putting her hands to her ears. 'My head's going round with all those great names. You shall teach them to me later--because of course you'll make us a nice long visit now you have come, won't you? Now tell me--but no, I am quite tired out with your being so clever. Besides, I'm sure you'd like ME to tell YOU something, wouldn't you?' 'Yes,' said Anthea. 'I want to know how it is that the King has gone--' 'Excuse me, but you should say "the King may-he-live-for-ever",' said the Queen gently. 'I beg your pardon,' Anthea hastened to say--'the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone to fetch home his fourteenth wife? I don't think even Bluebeard had as many as that. And, besides, he hasn't killed YOU at any rate.' The Queen looked bewildered. 'She means,' explained Robert, 'that English kings only have one wife--at least, Henry the Eighth had seven or eight, but not all at once.' 'In our country,' said the Queen scornfully, 'a king would not reign a day who had only one wife. No one would respect him, and quite right too.' 'Then are all the other thirteen alive?' asked Anthea. 'Of course they are--poor mean-spirited things! I don't associate with them, of course, I am the Queen: they're only the wives.' 'I see,' said Anthea, gasping. 'But oh, my dears,' the Queen went on, 'such a to-do as there's been about this last wife! You never did! It really was TOO funny. We wanted an Egyptian princess. The King may-he-live-for-ever has got a wife from most of the important nations, and he had set his heart on an Egyptian one to complete his collection. Well, of course, to begin with, we sent a handsome present of gold. The Egyptian king sent back some horses--quite a few; he's fearfully stingy!--and he said he liked the gold very much, but what they were really short of was lapis lazuli, so of course we sent him some. But by that time he'd begun to use the gold to cover the beams of the roof of the Temple of the Sun-God, and he hadn't nearly enough to finish the job, so we sent some more. And so it went on, oh, for years. You see each journey takes at least six months. And at last we asked the hand of his daughter in marriage.' 'Yes, and then?' said Anthea, who wanted to get to the princess part of the story. 'Well, then,' said the Queen, 'when he'd got everything out of us that he could, and only given the meanest presents in return, he sent to say he would esteem the honour of an alliance very highly, only unfortunately he hadn't any daughter, but he hoped one would be born soon, and if so, she should certainly be reserved for the King of Babylon!' 'What a trick!' said Cyril. 'Yes, wasn't it? So then we said his sister would do, and then there were more gifts and more journeys; and now at last the tiresome, black-haired thing is coming, and the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone seven days' journey to meet her at Carchemish. And he's gone in his best chariot, the one inlaid with lapis lazuli and gold, with the gold-plated wheels and onyx-studded hubs--much too great an honour in my opinion. She'll be here tonight; there'll be a grand banquet to celebrate her arrival. SHE won't be present, of course. She'll be having her baths and her anointings, and all that sort of thing. We always clean our foreign brides very carefully. It takes two or three weeks. Now it's dinnertime, and you shall eat with me, for I can see that you are of high rank.' She led them into a dark, cool hall, with many cushions on the floor. On these they sat and low tables were brought--beautiful tables of smooth, blue stone mounted in gold. On these, golden trays were placed; but there were no knives, or forks, or spoons. The children expected the Queen to call for them; but no. She just ate with her fingers, and as the first dish was a great tray of boiled corn, and meat and raisins all mixed up together, and melted fat poured all over the tray, it was found difficult to follow her example with anything like what we are used to think of as good table manners. There were stewed quinces afterwards, and dates in syrup, and thick yellowy cream. It was the kind of dinner you hardly ever get in Fitzroy Street. After dinner everybody went to sleep, even the children. The Queen awoke with a start. 'Good gracious!' she cried, 'what a time we've slept! I must rush off and dress for the banquet. I shan't have much more than time.' 'Hasn't Ritti-Marduk got back with our sister and the Psammead yet?' Anthea asked. 'I QUITE forgot to ask. I'm sorry,' said the Queen. 'And of course they wouldn't announce her unless I told them to, except during justice hours. I expect she's waiting outside. I'll see.' Ritti-Marduk came in a moment later. 'I regret,' he said, 'that I have been unable to find your sister. The beast she bears with her in a basket has bitten the child of the guard, and your sister and the beast set out to come to you. The police say they have a clue. No doubt we shall have news of her in a few weeks.' He bowed and withdrew. The horror of this threefold loss--Jane, the Psammead, and the Amulet--gave the children something to talk about while the Queen was dressing. I shall not report their conversation; it was very gloomy. Everyone repeated himself several times, and the discussion ended in each of them blaming the other two for having let Jane go. You know the sort of talk it was, don't you? At last Cyril said-- 'After all, she's with the Psammead, so SHE'S all right. The Psammead is jolly careful of itself too. And it isn't as if we were in any danger. Let's try to buck up and enjoy the banquet.' They did enjoy the banquet. They had a beautiful bath, which was delicious, were heavily oiled all over, including their hair, and that was most unpleasant. Then, they dressed again and were presented to the King, who was most affable. The banquet was long; there were all sorts of nice things to eat, and everybody seemed to eat and drink a good deal. Everyone lay on cushions and couches, ladies on one side and gentlemen on the other; and after the eating was done each lady went and sat by some gentleman, who seemed to be her sweetheart or her husband, for they were very affectionate to each other. The Court dresses had gold threads woven in them, very bright and beautiful. The middle of the room was left clear, and different people came and did amusing things. There were conjurers and jugglers and snake-charmers, which last Anthea did not like at all. When it got dark torches were lighted. Cedar splinters dipped in oil blazed in copper dishes set high on poles. Then there was a dancer, who hardly danced at all, only just struck attitudes. She had hardly any clothes, and was not at all pretty. The children were rather bored by her, but everyone else was delighted, including the King. 'By the beard of Nimrod!' he cried, 'ask what you like girl, and you shall have it!' 'I want nothing,' said the dancer; 'the honour of having pleased the King may-he-live-for-ever is reward enough for me.' And the King was so pleased with this modest and sensible reply that he gave her the gold collar off his own neck. 'I say!' said Cyril, awed by the magnificence of the gift. 'It's all right,' whispered the Queen, 'it's not his best collar by any means. We always keep a stock of cheap jewellery for these occasions. And now--you promised to sing us something. Would you like my minstrels to accompany you?' 'No, thank you,' said Anthea quickly. The minstrels had been playing off and on all the time, and their music reminded Anthea of the band she and the others had once had on the fifth of November--with penny horns, a tin whistle, a tea-tray, the tongs, a policeman's rattle, and a toy drum. They had enjoyed this band very much at the time. But it was quite different when someone else was making the same kind of music. Anthea understood now that Father had not been really heartless and unreasonable when he had told them to stop that infuriating din. 'What shall we sing?' Cyril was asking. 'Sweet and low?' suggested Anthea. 'Too soft--I vote for "Who will o'er the downs". Now then--one, two, three. 'Oh, who will o'er the downs so free, Oh, who will with me ride, Oh, who will up and follow me, To win a blooming bride? Her father he has locked the door, Her mother keeps the key; But neither bolt nor bar shall keep My own true love from me.' Jane, the alto, was missing, and Robert, unlike the mother of the lady in the song, never could 'keep the key', but the song, even so, was sufficiently unlike anything any of them had ever heard to rouse the Babylonian Court to the wildest enthusiasm. 'More, more,' cried the King; 'by my beard, this savage music is a new thing. Sing again!' So they sang: 'I saw her bower at twilight gray, 'Twas guarded safe and sure. I saw her bower at break of day, 'Twas guarded then no more. The varlets they were all asleep, And there was none to see The greeting fair that passed there Between my love and me.' Shouts of applause greeted the ending of the verse, and the King would not be satisfied till they had sung all their part-songs (they only knew three) twice over, and ended up with 'Men of Harlech' in unison. Then the King stood up in his royal robes with his high, narrow crown on his head and shouted-- 'By the beak of Nisroch, ask what you will, strangers from the land where the sun never sets!' 'We ought to say it's enough honour, like the dancer did,' whispered Anthea. 'No, let's ask for IT,' said Robert. 'No, no, I'm sure the other's manners,' said Anthea. But Robert, who was excited by the music, and the flaring torches, and the applause and the opportunity, spoke up before the others could stop him. 'Give us the half of the Amulet that has on it the name UR HEKAU SETCHEH,' he said, adding as an afterthought, 'O King, live-for-ever.' As he spoke the great name those in the pillared hall fell on their faces, and lay still. All but the Queen who crouched amid her cushions with her head in her hands, and the King, who stood upright, perfectly still, like the statue of a king in stone. It was only for a moment though. Then his great voice thundered out-- 'Guard, seize them!' Instantly, from nowhere as it seemed, sprang eight soldiers in bright armour inlaid with gold, and tunics of red and white. Very splendid they were, and very alarming. 'Impious and sacrilegious wretches!' shouted the King. 'To the dungeons with them! We will find a way, tomorrow, to make them speak. For without doubt they can tell us where to find the lost half of It.' A wall of scarlet and white and steel and gold closed up round the children and hurried them away among the many pillars of the great hall. As they went they heard the voices of the courtiers loud in horror. 'You've done it this time,' said Cyril with extreme bitterness. 'Oh, it will come right. It MUST. It always does,' said Anthea desperately. They could not see where they were going, because the guard surrounded them so closely, but the ground under their feet, smooth marble at first, grew rougher like stone, then it was loose earth and sand, and they felt the night air. Then there was more stone, and steps down. 'It's my belief we really ARE going to the deepest dungeon below the castle moat this time,' said Cyril. And they were. At least it was not below a moat, but below the river Euphrates, which was just as bad if not worse. In a most unpleasant place it was. Dark, very, very damp, and with an odd, musty smell rather like the shells of oysters. There was a torch--that is to say, a copper basket on a high stick with oiled wood burning in it. By its light the children saw that the walls were green, and that trickles of water ran down them and dripped from the roof. There were things on the floor that looked like newts, and in the dark corners creepy, shiny things moved sluggishly, uneasily, horribly. Robert's heart sank right into those really reliable boots of his. Anthea and Cyril each had a private struggle with that inside disagreeableness which is part of all of us, and which is sometimes called the Old Adam--and both were victors. Neither of them said to Robert (and both tried hard not even to think it), 'This is YOUR doing.' Anthea had the additional temptation to add, 'I told you so.' And she resisted it successfully. 'Sacrilege, and impious cheek,' said the captain of the guard to the gaoler. 'To be kept during the King's pleasure. I expect he means to get some pleasure out of them tomorrow! He'll tickle them up!' 'Poor little kids,' said the gaoler. 'Oh, yes,' said the captain. 'I've got kids of my own too. But it doesn't do to let domestic sentiment interfere with one's public duties. Good night.' The soldiers tramped heavily off in their white and red and steel and gold. The gaoler, with a bunch of big keys in his hand, stood looking pityingly at the children. He shook his head twice and went out. 'Courage!' said Anthea. 'I know it will be all right. It's only a dream REALLY, you know. It MUST be! I don't believe about time being only a something or other of thought. It IS a dream, and we're bound to wake up all right and safe.' 'Humph,' said Cyril bitterly. And Robert suddenly said-- 'It's all my doing. If it really IS all up do please not keep a down on me about it, and tell Father--Oh, I forgot.' What he had forgotten was that his father was 3,000 miles and 5,000 or more years away from him. 'All right, Bobs, old man,' said Cyril; and Anthea got hold of Robert's hand and squeezed it. Then the gaoler came back with a platter of hard, flat cakes made of coarse grain, very different from the cream-and-juicy-date feasts of the palace; also a pitcher of water. 'There,' he said. 'Oh, thank you so very much. You ARE kind,' said Anthea feverishly. 'Go to sleep,' said the gaoler, pointing to a heap of straw in a corner; 'tomorrow comes soon enough.' 'Oh, dear Mr Gaoler,' said Anthea, 'whatever will they do to us tomorrow?' 'They'll try to make you tell things,' said the gaoler grimly, 'and my advice is if you've nothing to tell, make up something. Then perhaps they'll sell you to the Northern nations. Regular savages THEY are. Good night.' 'Good night,' said three trembling voices, which their owners strove in vain to render firm. Then he went out, and the three were left alone in the damp, dim vault. 'I know the light won't last long,' said Cyril, looking at the flickering brazier. 'Is it any good, do you think, calling on the name when we haven't got the charm?' suggested Anthea. 'I shouldn't think so. But we might try.' So they tried. But the blank silence of the damp dungeon remained unchanged. 'What was the name the Queen said?' asked Cyril suddenly. 'Nisbeth--Nesbit--something? You know, the slave of the great names?' 'Wait a sec,' said Robert, 'though I | yard | How many times the word 'yard' appears in the text? | 0 |
woman and said, 'You'll take me home with you, won't you? And let me play with your little girls till the others have done with the Queen.' 'Surely I will, little heart!' said the woman. And then Anthea hurriedly stroked the Psammead and embraced Jane, who took the woman's hand, and trotted contentedly away with the Psammead's bag under the other arm. The others stood looking after her till she, the woman, and the basket were lost in the many-coloured crowd. Then Anthea turned once more to the palace's magnificent doorway and said-- 'Let's ask the porter to take care of our Babylonian overcoats.' So they took off the garments that the woman had lent them and stood amid the jostling petitioners of the Queen in their own English frocks and coats and hats and boots. 'We want to see the Queen,' said Cyril; 'we come from the far Empire where the sun never sets!' A murmur of surprise and a thrill of excitement ran through the crowd. The door-porter spoke to a black man, he spoke to someone else. There was a whispering, waiting pause. Then a big man, with a cleanly-shaven face, beckoned them from the top of a flight of red marble steps. They went up; the boots of Robert clattering more than usual because he was so nervous. A door swung open, a curtain was drawn back. A double line of bowing forms in gorgeous raiment formed a lane that led to the steps of the throne, and as the children advanced hurriedly there came from the throne a voice very sweet and kind. 'Three children from the land where the sun never sets! Let them draw hither without fear.' In another minute they were kneeling at the throne's foot, saying, 'O Queen, live for ever!' exactly as the woman had taught them. And a splendid dream-lady, all gold and silver and jewels and snowy drift of veils, was raising Anthea, and saying-- 'Don't be frightened, I really am SO glad you came! The land where the sun never sets! I am delighted to see you! I was getting quite too dreadfully bored for anything!' And behind Anthea the kneeling Cyril whispered in the ears of the respectful Robert-- 'Bobs, don't say anything to Panther. It's no use upsetting her, but we didn't ask for Jane's address, and the Psammead's with her.' 'Well,' whispered Robert, 'the charm can bring them to us at any moment. IT said so.' 'Oh, yes,' whispered Cyril, in miserable derision, 'WE'RE all right, of course. So we are! Oh, yes! If we'd only GOT the charm.' Then Robert saw, and he murmured, 'Crikey!' at the foot of the throne of Babylon; while Cyril hoarsely whispered the plain English fact-- 'Jane's got the charm round her neck, you silly cuckoo.' 'Crikey!' Robert repeated in heart-broken undertones. CHAPTER 7. 'THE DEEPEST DUNGEON BELOW THE CASTLE MOAT' The Queen threw three of the red and gold embroidered cushions off the throne on to the marble steps that led up to it. 'Just make yourselves comfortable there,' she said. 'I'm simply dying to talk to you, and to hear all about your wonderful country and how you got here, and everything, but I have to do justice every morning. Such a bore, isn't it? Do you do justice in your own country?' 'No, said Cyril; 'at least of course we try to, but not in this public sort of way, only in private.' 'Ah, yes,' said the Queen, 'I should much prefer a private audience myself--much easier to manage. But public opinion has to be considered. Doing justice is very hard work, even when you're brought up to it.' 'We don't do justice, but we have to do scales, Jane and me,' said Anthea, 'twenty minutes a day. It's simply horrid.' 'What are scales?' asked the Queen, 'and what is Jane?' 'Jane is my little sister. One of the guards-at-the-gate's wife is taking care of her. And scales are music.' 'I never heard of the instrument,' said the Queen. 'Do you sing?' 'Oh, yes. We can sing in parts,' said Anthea. 'That IS magic,' said the Queen. 'How many parts are you each cut into before you do it?' 'We aren't cut at all,' said Robert hastily. 'We couldn't sing if we were. We'll show you afterwards.' 'So you shall, and now sit quiet like dear children and hear me do justice. The way I do it has always been admired. I oughtn't to say that ought I? Sounds so conceited. But I don't mind with you, dears. Somehow I feel as though I'd known you quite a long time already.' The Queen settled herself on her throne and made a signal to her attendants. The children, whispering together among the cushions on the steps of the throne, decided that she was very beautiful and very kind, but perhaps just the least bit flighty. The first person who came to ask for justice was a woman whose brother had taken the money the father had left for her. The brother said it was the uncle who had the money. There was a good deal of talk and the children were growing rather bored, when the Queen suddenly clapped her hands, and said-- 'Put both the men in prison till one of them owns up that the other is innocent.' 'But suppose they both did it?' Cyril could not help interrupting. 'Then prison's the best place for them,' said the Queen. 'But suppose neither did it.' 'That's impossible,' said the Queen; 'a thing's not done unless someone does it. And you mustn't interrupt.' Then came a woman, in tears, with a torn veil and real ashes on her head--at least Anthea thought so, but it may have been only road-dust. She complained that her husband was in prison. 'What for?' said the Queen. 'They SAID it was for speaking evil of your Majesty,' said the woman, 'but it wasn't. Someone had a spite against him. That was what it was.' 'How do you know he hadn't spoken evil of me?' said the Queen. 'No one could,' said the woman simply, 'when they'd once seen your beautiful face.' 'Let the man out,' said the Queen, smiling. 'Next case.' The next case was that of a boy who had stolen a fox. 'Like the Spartan boy,' whispered Robert. But the Queen ruled that nobody could have any possible reason for owning a fox, and still less for stealing one. And she did not believe that there were any foxes in Babylon; she, at any rate, had never seen one. So the boy was released. The people came to the Queen about all sorts of family quarrels and neighbourly misunderstandings--from a fight between brothers over the division of an inheritance, to the dishonest and unfriendly conduct of a woman who had borrowed a cooking-pot at the last New Year's festival, and not returned it yet. And the Queen decided everything, very, very decidedly indeed. At last she clapped her hands quite suddenly and with extreme loudness, and said-- 'The audience is over for today.' Everyone said, 'May the Queen live for ever!' and went out. And the children were left alone in the justice-hall with the Queen of Babylon and her ladies. 'There!' said the Queen, with a long sigh of relief. 'THAT'S over! I couldn't have done another stitch of justice if you'd offered me the crown of Egypt! Now come into the garden, and we'll have a nice, long, cosy talk.' She led them through long, narrow corridors whose walls they somehow felt, were very, very thick, into a sort of garden courtyard. There were thick shrubs closely planted, and roses were trained over trellises, and made a pleasant shade--needed, indeed, for already the sun was as hot as it is in England in August at the seaside. Slaves spread cushions on a low, marble terrace, and a big man with a smooth face served cool drink in cups of gold studded with beryls. He drank a little from the Queen's cup before handing it to her. 'That's rather a nasty trick,' whispered Robert, who had been carefully taught never to drink out of one of the nice, shiny, metal cups that are chained to the London drinking fountains without first rinsing it out thoroughly. The Queen overheard him. 'Not at all,' said she. 'Ritti-Marduk is a very clean man. And one has to have SOME ONE as taster, you know, because of poison.' The word made the children feel rather creepy; but Ritti-Marduk had tasted all the cups, so they felt pretty safe. The drink was delicious--very cold, and tasting like lemonade and partly like penny ices. 'Leave us,' said the Queen. And all the Court ladies, in their beautiful, many-folded, many-coloured, fringed dresses, filed out slowly, and the children were left alone with the Queen. 'Now,' she said, 'tell me all about yourselves.' They looked at each other. 'You, Bobs,' said Cyril. 'No--Anthea,' said Robert. 'No--you--Cyril,' said Anthea. 'Don't you remember how pleased the Queen of India was when you told her all about us?' Cyril muttered that it was all very well, and so it was. For when he had told the tale of the Phoenix and the Carpet to the Ranee, it had been only the truth--and all the truth that he had to tell. But now it was not easy to tell a convincing story without mentioning the Amulet--which, of course, it wouldn't have done to mention--and without owning that they were really living in London, about 2,500 years later than the time they were talking in. Cyril took refuge in the tale of the Psammead and its wonderful power of making wishes come true. The children had never been able to tell anyone before, and Cyril was surprised to find that the spell which kept them silent in London did not work here. 'Something to do with our being in the Past, I suppose,' he said to himself. 'This is MOST interesting,' said the Queen. 'We must have this Psammead for the banquet tonight. Its performance will be one of the most popular turns in the whole programme. Where is it?' Anthea explained that they did not know; also why it was that they did not know. 'Oh, THAT'S quite simple,' said the Queen, and everyone breathed a deep sigh of relief as she said it. 'Ritti-Marduk shall run down to the gates and find out which guard your sister went home with.' 'Might he'--Anthea's voice was tremulous--'might he--would it interfere with his meal-times, or anything like that, if he went NOW?' 'Of course he shall go now. He may think himself lucky if he gets his meals at any time,' said the Queen heartily, and clapped her hands. 'May I send a letter?' asked Cyril, pulling out a red-backed penny account-book, and feeling in his pockets for a stump of pencil that he knew was in one of them. 'By all means. I'll call my scribe.' 'Oh, I can scribe right enough, thanks,' said Cyril, finding the pencil and licking its point. He even had to bite the wood a little, for it was very blunt. 'Oh, you clever, clever boy!' said the Queen. 'DO let me watch you do it!' Cyril wrote on a leaf of the book--it was of rough, woolly paper, with hairs that stuck out and would have got in his pen if he had been using one, and ruled for accounts. 'Hide IT most carefully before you come here,' he wrote, 'and don't mention it--and destroy this letter. Everything is going A1. The Queen is a fair treat. There's nothing to be afraid of.' 'What curious characters, and what a strange flat surface!' said the Queen. 'What have you inscribed?' 'I've 'scribed,' replied Cyril cautiously, 'that you are fair, and a--and like a--like a festival; and that she need not be afraid, and that she is to come at once.' Ritti-Marduk, who had come in and had stood waiting while Cyril wrote, his Babylonish eyes nearly starting out of his Babylonish head, now took the letter, with some reluctance. 'O Queen, live for ever! Is it a charm?' he timidly asked. 'A strong charm, most great lady?' 'YES,' said Robert, unexpectedly, 'it IS a charm, but it won't hurt anyone until you've given it to Jane. And then she'll destroy it, so that it CAN'T hurt anyone. It's most awful strong!--as strong as--Peppermint!' he ended abruptly. 'I know not the god,' said Ritti-Marduk, bending timorously. 'She'll tear it up directly she gets it,' said Robert, 'That'll end the charm. You needn't be afraid if you go now.' Ritti-Marduk went, seeming only partly satisfied; and then the Queen began to admire the penny account-book and the bit of pencil in so marked and significant a way that Cyril felt he could not do less than press them upon her as a gift. She ruffled the leaves delightedly. 'What a wonderful substance!' she said. 'And with this style you make charms? Make a charm for me! Do you know,' her voice sank to a whisper, 'the names of the great ones of your own far country?' 'Rather!' said Cyril, and hastily wrote the names of Alfred the Great, Shakespeare, Nelson, Gordon, Lord Beaconsfield, Mr Rudyard Kipling, and Mr Sherlock Holmes, while the Queen watched him with 'unbaited breath', as Anthea said afterwards. She took the book and hid it reverently among the bright folds of her gown. 'You shall teach me later to say the great names,' she said. 'And the names of their Ministers--perhaps the great Nisroch is one of them?' 'I don't think so,' said Cyril. 'Mr Campbell Bannerman's Prime Minister and Mr Burns a Minister, and so is the Archbishop of Canterbury, I think, but I'm not sure--and Dr Parker was one, I know, and--' 'No more,' said the Queen, putting her hands to her ears. 'My head's going round with all those great names. You shall teach them to me later--because of course you'll make us a nice long visit now you have come, won't you? Now tell me--but no, I am quite tired out with your being so clever. Besides, I'm sure you'd like ME to tell YOU something, wouldn't you?' 'Yes,' said Anthea. 'I want to know how it is that the King has gone--' 'Excuse me, but you should say "the King may-he-live-for-ever",' said the Queen gently. 'I beg your pardon,' Anthea hastened to say--'the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone to fetch home his fourteenth wife? I don't think even Bluebeard had as many as that. And, besides, he hasn't killed YOU at any rate.' The Queen looked bewildered. 'She means,' explained Robert, 'that English kings only have one wife--at least, Henry the Eighth had seven or eight, but not all at once.' 'In our country,' said the Queen scornfully, 'a king would not reign a day who had only one wife. No one would respect him, and quite right too.' 'Then are all the other thirteen alive?' asked Anthea. 'Of course they are--poor mean-spirited things! I don't associate with them, of course, I am the Queen: they're only the wives.' 'I see,' said Anthea, gasping. 'But oh, my dears,' the Queen went on, 'such a to-do as there's been about this last wife! You never did! It really was TOO funny. We wanted an Egyptian princess. The King may-he-live-for-ever has got a wife from most of the important nations, and he had set his heart on an Egyptian one to complete his collection. Well, of course, to begin with, we sent a handsome present of gold. The Egyptian king sent back some horses--quite a few; he's fearfully stingy!--and he said he liked the gold very much, but what they were really short of was lapis lazuli, so of course we sent him some. But by that time he'd begun to use the gold to cover the beams of the roof of the Temple of the Sun-God, and he hadn't nearly enough to finish the job, so we sent some more. And so it went on, oh, for years. You see each journey takes at least six months. And at last we asked the hand of his daughter in marriage.' 'Yes, and then?' said Anthea, who wanted to get to the princess part of the story. 'Well, then,' said the Queen, 'when he'd got everything out of us that he could, and only given the meanest presents in return, he sent to say he would esteem the honour of an alliance very highly, only unfortunately he hadn't any daughter, but he hoped one would be born soon, and if so, she should certainly be reserved for the King of Babylon!' 'What a trick!' said Cyril. 'Yes, wasn't it? So then we said his sister would do, and then there were more gifts and more journeys; and now at last the tiresome, black-haired thing is coming, and the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone seven days' journey to meet her at Carchemish. And he's gone in his best chariot, the one inlaid with lapis lazuli and gold, with the gold-plated wheels and onyx-studded hubs--much too great an honour in my opinion. She'll be here tonight; there'll be a grand banquet to celebrate her arrival. SHE won't be present, of course. She'll be having her baths and her anointings, and all that sort of thing. We always clean our foreign brides very carefully. It takes two or three weeks. Now it's dinnertime, and you shall eat with me, for I can see that you are of high rank.' She led them into a dark, cool hall, with many cushions on the floor. On these they sat and low tables were brought--beautiful tables of smooth, blue stone mounted in gold. On these, golden trays were placed; but there were no knives, or forks, or spoons. The children expected the Queen to call for them; but no. She just ate with her fingers, and as the first dish was a great tray of boiled corn, and meat and raisins all mixed up together, and melted fat poured all over the tray, it was found difficult to follow her example with anything like what we are used to think of as good table manners. There were stewed quinces afterwards, and dates in syrup, and thick yellowy cream. It was the kind of dinner you hardly ever get in Fitzroy Street. After dinner everybody went to sleep, even the children. The Queen awoke with a start. 'Good gracious!' she cried, 'what a time we've slept! I must rush off and dress for the banquet. I shan't have much more than time.' 'Hasn't Ritti-Marduk got back with our sister and the Psammead yet?' Anthea asked. 'I QUITE forgot to ask. I'm sorry,' said the Queen. 'And of course they wouldn't announce her unless I told them to, except during justice hours. I expect she's waiting outside. I'll see.' Ritti-Marduk came in a moment later. 'I regret,' he said, 'that I have been unable to find your sister. The beast she bears with her in a basket has bitten the child of the guard, and your sister and the beast set out to come to you. The police say they have a clue. No doubt we shall have news of her in a few weeks.' He bowed and withdrew. The horror of this threefold loss--Jane, the Psammead, and the Amulet--gave the children something to talk about while the Queen was dressing. I shall not report their conversation; it was very gloomy. Everyone repeated himself several times, and the discussion ended in each of them blaming the other two for having let Jane go. You know the sort of talk it was, don't you? At last Cyril said-- 'After all, she's with the Psammead, so SHE'S all right. The Psammead is jolly careful of itself too. And it isn't as if we were in any danger. Let's try to buck up and enjoy the banquet.' They did enjoy the banquet. They had a beautiful bath, which was delicious, were heavily oiled all over, including their hair, and that was most unpleasant. Then, they dressed again and were presented to the King, who was most affable. The banquet was long; there were all sorts of nice things to eat, and everybody seemed to eat and drink a good deal. Everyone lay on cushions and couches, ladies on one side and gentlemen on the other; and after the eating was done each lady went and sat by some gentleman, who seemed to be her sweetheart or her husband, for they were very affectionate to each other. The Court dresses had gold threads woven in them, very bright and beautiful. The middle of the room was left clear, and different people came and did amusing things. There were conjurers and jugglers and snake-charmers, which last Anthea did not like at all. When it got dark torches were lighted. Cedar splinters dipped in oil blazed in copper dishes set high on poles. Then there was a dancer, who hardly danced at all, only just struck attitudes. She had hardly any clothes, and was not at all pretty. The children were rather bored by her, but everyone else was delighted, including the King. 'By the beard of Nimrod!' he cried, 'ask what you like girl, and you shall have it!' 'I want nothing,' said the dancer; 'the honour of having pleased the King may-he-live-for-ever is reward enough for me.' And the King was so pleased with this modest and sensible reply that he gave her the gold collar off his own neck. 'I say!' said Cyril, awed by the magnificence of the gift. 'It's all right,' whispered the Queen, 'it's not his best collar by any means. We always keep a stock of cheap jewellery for these occasions. And now--you promised to sing us something. Would you like my minstrels to accompany you?' 'No, thank you,' said Anthea quickly. The minstrels had been playing off and on all the time, and their music reminded Anthea of the band she and the others had once had on the fifth of November--with penny horns, a tin whistle, a tea-tray, the tongs, a policeman's rattle, and a toy drum. They had enjoyed this band very much at the time. But it was quite different when someone else was making the same kind of music. Anthea understood now that Father had not been really heartless and unreasonable when he had told them to stop that infuriating din. 'What shall we sing?' Cyril was asking. 'Sweet and low?' suggested Anthea. 'Too soft--I vote for "Who will o'er the downs". Now then--one, two, three. 'Oh, who will o'er the downs so free, Oh, who will with me ride, Oh, who will up and follow me, To win a blooming bride? Her father he has locked the door, Her mother keeps the key; But neither bolt nor bar shall keep My own true love from me.' Jane, the alto, was missing, and Robert, unlike the mother of the lady in the song, never could 'keep the key', but the song, even so, was sufficiently unlike anything any of them had ever heard to rouse the Babylonian Court to the wildest enthusiasm. 'More, more,' cried the King; 'by my beard, this savage music is a new thing. Sing again!' So they sang: 'I saw her bower at twilight gray, 'Twas guarded safe and sure. I saw her bower at break of day, 'Twas guarded then no more. The varlets they were all asleep, And there was none to see The greeting fair that passed there Between my love and me.' Shouts of applause greeted the ending of the verse, and the King would not be satisfied till they had sung all their part-songs (they only knew three) twice over, and ended up with 'Men of Harlech' in unison. Then the King stood up in his royal robes with his high, narrow crown on his head and shouted-- 'By the beak of Nisroch, ask what you will, strangers from the land where the sun never sets!' 'We ought to say it's enough honour, like the dancer did,' whispered Anthea. 'No, let's ask for IT,' said Robert. 'No, no, I'm sure the other's manners,' said Anthea. But Robert, who was excited by the music, and the flaring torches, and the applause and the opportunity, spoke up before the others could stop him. 'Give us the half of the Amulet that has on it the name UR HEKAU SETCHEH,' he said, adding as an afterthought, 'O King, live-for-ever.' As he spoke the great name those in the pillared hall fell on their faces, and lay still. All but the Queen who crouched amid her cushions with her head in her hands, and the King, who stood upright, perfectly still, like the statue of a king in stone. It was only for a moment though. Then his great voice thundered out-- 'Guard, seize them!' Instantly, from nowhere as it seemed, sprang eight soldiers in bright armour inlaid with gold, and tunics of red and white. Very splendid they were, and very alarming. 'Impious and sacrilegious wretches!' shouted the King. 'To the dungeons with them! We will find a way, tomorrow, to make them speak. For without doubt they can tell us where to find the lost half of It.' A wall of scarlet and white and steel and gold closed up round the children and hurried them away among the many pillars of the great hall. As they went they heard the voices of the courtiers loud in horror. 'You've done it this time,' said Cyril with extreme bitterness. 'Oh, it will come right. It MUST. It always does,' said Anthea desperately. They could not see where they were going, because the guard surrounded them so closely, but the ground under their feet, smooth marble at first, grew rougher like stone, then it was loose earth and sand, and they felt the night air. Then there was more stone, and steps down. 'It's my belief we really ARE going to the deepest dungeon below the castle moat this time,' said Cyril. And they were. At least it was not below a moat, but below the river Euphrates, which was just as bad if not worse. In a most unpleasant place it was. Dark, very, very damp, and with an odd, musty smell rather like the shells of oysters. There was a torch--that is to say, a copper basket on a high stick with oiled wood burning in it. By its light the children saw that the walls were green, and that trickles of water ran down them and dripped from the roof. There were things on the floor that looked like newts, and in the dark corners creepy, shiny things moved sluggishly, uneasily, horribly. Robert's heart sank right into those really reliable boots of his. Anthea and Cyril each had a private struggle with that inside disagreeableness which is part of all of us, and which is sometimes called the Old Adam--and both were victors. Neither of them said to Robert (and both tried hard not even to think it), 'This is YOUR doing.' Anthea had the additional temptation to add, 'I told you so.' And she resisted it successfully. 'Sacrilege, and impious cheek,' said the captain of the guard to the gaoler. 'To be kept during the King's pleasure. I expect he means to get some pleasure out of them tomorrow! He'll tickle them up!' 'Poor little kids,' said the gaoler. 'Oh, yes,' said the captain. 'I've got kids of my own too. But it doesn't do to let domestic sentiment interfere with one's public duties. Good night.' The soldiers tramped heavily off in their white and red and steel and gold. The gaoler, with a bunch of big keys in his hand, stood looking pityingly at the children. He shook his head twice and went out. 'Courage!' said Anthea. 'I know it will be all right. It's only a dream REALLY, you know. It MUST be! I don't believe about time being only a something or other of thought. It IS a dream, and we're bound to wake up all right and safe.' 'Humph,' said Cyril bitterly. And Robert suddenly said-- 'It's all my doing. If it really IS all up do please not keep a down on me about it, and tell Father--Oh, I forgot.' What he had forgotten was that his father was 3,000 miles and 5,000 or more years away from him. 'All right, Bobs, old man,' said Cyril; and Anthea got hold of Robert's hand and squeezed it. Then the gaoler came back with a platter of hard, flat cakes made of coarse grain, very different from the cream-and-juicy-date feasts of the palace; also a pitcher of water. 'There,' he said. 'Oh, thank you so very much. You ARE kind,' said Anthea feverishly. 'Go to sleep,' said the gaoler, pointing to a heap of straw in a corner; 'tomorrow comes soon enough.' 'Oh, dear Mr Gaoler,' said Anthea, 'whatever will they do to us tomorrow?' 'They'll try to make you tell things,' said the gaoler grimly, 'and my advice is if you've nothing to tell, make up something. Then perhaps they'll sell you to the Northern nations. Regular savages THEY are. Good night.' 'Good night,' said three trembling voices, which their owners strove in vain to render firm. Then he went out, and the three were left alone in the damp, dim vault. 'I know the light won't last long,' said Cyril, looking at the flickering brazier. 'Is it any good, do you think, calling on the name when we haven't got the charm?' suggested Anthea. 'I shouldn't think so. But we might try.' So they tried. But the blank silence of the damp dungeon remained unchanged. 'What was the name the Queen said?' asked Cyril suddenly. 'Nisbeth--Nesbit--something? You know, the slave of the great names?' 'Wait a sec,' said Robert, 'though I | before | How many times the word 'before' appears in the text? | 3 |
woman and said, 'You'll take me home with you, won't you? And let me play with your little girls till the others have done with the Queen.' 'Surely I will, little heart!' said the woman. And then Anthea hurriedly stroked the Psammead and embraced Jane, who took the woman's hand, and trotted contentedly away with the Psammead's bag under the other arm. The others stood looking after her till she, the woman, and the basket were lost in the many-coloured crowd. Then Anthea turned once more to the palace's magnificent doorway and said-- 'Let's ask the porter to take care of our Babylonian overcoats.' So they took off the garments that the woman had lent them and stood amid the jostling petitioners of the Queen in their own English frocks and coats and hats and boots. 'We want to see the Queen,' said Cyril; 'we come from the far Empire where the sun never sets!' A murmur of surprise and a thrill of excitement ran through the crowd. The door-porter spoke to a black man, he spoke to someone else. There was a whispering, waiting pause. Then a big man, with a cleanly-shaven face, beckoned them from the top of a flight of red marble steps. They went up; the boots of Robert clattering more than usual because he was so nervous. A door swung open, a curtain was drawn back. A double line of bowing forms in gorgeous raiment formed a lane that led to the steps of the throne, and as the children advanced hurriedly there came from the throne a voice very sweet and kind. 'Three children from the land where the sun never sets! Let them draw hither without fear.' In another minute they were kneeling at the throne's foot, saying, 'O Queen, live for ever!' exactly as the woman had taught them. And a splendid dream-lady, all gold and silver and jewels and snowy drift of veils, was raising Anthea, and saying-- 'Don't be frightened, I really am SO glad you came! The land where the sun never sets! I am delighted to see you! I was getting quite too dreadfully bored for anything!' And behind Anthea the kneeling Cyril whispered in the ears of the respectful Robert-- 'Bobs, don't say anything to Panther. It's no use upsetting her, but we didn't ask for Jane's address, and the Psammead's with her.' 'Well,' whispered Robert, 'the charm can bring them to us at any moment. IT said so.' 'Oh, yes,' whispered Cyril, in miserable derision, 'WE'RE all right, of course. So we are! Oh, yes! If we'd only GOT the charm.' Then Robert saw, and he murmured, 'Crikey!' at the foot of the throne of Babylon; while Cyril hoarsely whispered the plain English fact-- 'Jane's got the charm round her neck, you silly cuckoo.' 'Crikey!' Robert repeated in heart-broken undertones. CHAPTER 7. 'THE DEEPEST DUNGEON BELOW THE CASTLE MOAT' The Queen threw three of the red and gold embroidered cushions off the throne on to the marble steps that led up to it. 'Just make yourselves comfortable there,' she said. 'I'm simply dying to talk to you, and to hear all about your wonderful country and how you got here, and everything, but I have to do justice every morning. Such a bore, isn't it? Do you do justice in your own country?' 'No, said Cyril; 'at least of course we try to, but not in this public sort of way, only in private.' 'Ah, yes,' said the Queen, 'I should much prefer a private audience myself--much easier to manage. But public opinion has to be considered. Doing justice is very hard work, even when you're brought up to it.' 'We don't do justice, but we have to do scales, Jane and me,' said Anthea, 'twenty minutes a day. It's simply horrid.' 'What are scales?' asked the Queen, 'and what is Jane?' 'Jane is my little sister. One of the guards-at-the-gate's wife is taking care of her. And scales are music.' 'I never heard of the instrument,' said the Queen. 'Do you sing?' 'Oh, yes. We can sing in parts,' said Anthea. 'That IS magic,' said the Queen. 'How many parts are you each cut into before you do it?' 'We aren't cut at all,' said Robert hastily. 'We couldn't sing if we were. We'll show you afterwards.' 'So you shall, and now sit quiet like dear children and hear me do justice. The way I do it has always been admired. I oughtn't to say that ought I? Sounds so conceited. But I don't mind with you, dears. Somehow I feel as though I'd known you quite a long time already.' The Queen settled herself on her throne and made a signal to her attendants. The children, whispering together among the cushions on the steps of the throne, decided that she was very beautiful and very kind, but perhaps just the least bit flighty. The first person who came to ask for justice was a woman whose brother had taken the money the father had left for her. The brother said it was the uncle who had the money. There was a good deal of talk and the children were growing rather bored, when the Queen suddenly clapped her hands, and said-- 'Put both the men in prison till one of them owns up that the other is innocent.' 'But suppose they both did it?' Cyril could not help interrupting. 'Then prison's the best place for them,' said the Queen. 'But suppose neither did it.' 'That's impossible,' said the Queen; 'a thing's not done unless someone does it. And you mustn't interrupt.' Then came a woman, in tears, with a torn veil and real ashes on her head--at least Anthea thought so, but it may have been only road-dust. She complained that her husband was in prison. 'What for?' said the Queen. 'They SAID it was for speaking evil of your Majesty,' said the woman, 'but it wasn't. Someone had a spite against him. That was what it was.' 'How do you know he hadn't spoken evil of me?' said the Queen. 'No one could,' said the woman simply, 'when they'd once seen your beautiful face.' 'Let the man out,' said the Queen, smiling. 'Next case.' The next case was that of a boy who had stolen a fox. 'Like the Spartan boy,' whispered Robert. But the Queen ruled that nobody could have any possible reason for owning a fox, and still less for stealing one. And she did not believe that there were any foxes in Babylon; she, at any rate, had never seen one. So the boy was released. The people came to the Queen about all sorts of family quarrels and neighbourly misunderstandings--from a fight between brothers over the division of an inheritance, to the dishonest and unfriendly conduct of a woman who had borrowed a cooking-pot at the last New Year's festival, and not returned it yet. And the Queen decided everything, very, very decidedly indeed. At last she clapped her hands quite suddenly and with extreme loudness, and said-- 'The audience is over for today.' Everyone said, 'May the Queen live for ever!' and went out. And the children were left alone in the justice-hall with the Queen of Babylon and her ladies. 'There!' said the Queen, with a long sigh of relief. 'THAT'S over! I couldn't have done another stitch of justice if you'd offered me the crown of Egypt! Now come into the garden, and we'll have a nice, long, cosy talk.' She led them through long, narrow corridors whose walls they somehow felt, were very, very thick, into a sort of garden courtyard. There were thick shrubs closely planted, and roses were trained over trellises, and made a pleasant shade--needed, indeed, for already the sun was as hot as it is in England in August at the seaside. Slaves spread cushions on a low, marble terrace, and a big man with a smooth face served cool drink in cups of gold studded with beryls. He drank a little from the Queen's cup before handing it to her. 'That's rather a nasty trick,' whispered Robert, who had been carefully taught never to drink out of one of the nice, shiny, metal cups that are chained to the London drinking fountains without first rinsing it out thoroughly. The Queen overheard him. 'Not at all,' said she. 'Ritti-Marduk is a very clean man. And one has to have SOME ONE as taster, you know, because of poison.' The word made the children feel rather creepy; but Ritti-Marduk had tasted all the cups, so they felt pretty safe. The drink was delicious--very cold, and tasting like lemonade and partly like penny ices. 'Leave us,' said the Queen. And all the Court ladies, in their beautiful, many-folded, many-coloured, fringed dresses, filed out slowly, and the children were left alone with the Queen. 'Now,' she said, 'tell me all about yourselves.' They looked at each other. 'You, Bobs,' said Cyril. 'No--Anthea,' said Robert. 'No--you--Cyril,' said Anthea. 'Don't you remember how pleased the Queen of India was when you told her all about us?' Cyril muttered that it was all very well, and so it was. For when he had told the tale of the Phoenix and the Carpet to the Ranee, it had been only the truth--and all the truth that he had to tell. But now it was not easy to tell a convincing story without mentioning the Amulet--which, of course, it wouldn't have done to mention--and without owning that they were really living in London, about 2,500 years later than the time they were talking in. Cyril took refuge in the tale of the Psammead and its wonderful power of making wishes come true. The children had never been able to tell anyone before, and Cyril was surprised to find that the spell which kept them silent in London did not work here. 'Something to do with our being in the Past, I suppose,' he said to himself. 'This is MOST interesting,' said the Queen. 'We must have this Psammead for the banquet tonight. Its performance will be one of the most popular turns in the whole programme. Where is it?' Anthea explained that they did not know; also why it was that they did not know. 'Oh, THAT'S quite simple,' said the Queen, and everyone breathed a deep sigh of relief as she said it. 'Ritti-Marduk shall run down to the gates and find out which guard your sister went home with.' 'Might he'--Anthea's voice was tremulous--'might he--would it interfere with his meal-times, or anything like that, if he went NOW?' 'Of course he shall go now. He may think himself lucky if he gets his meals at any time,' said the Queen heartily, and clapped her hands. 'May I send a letter?' asked Cyril, pulling out a red-backed penny account-book, and feeling in his pockets for a stump of pencil that he knew was in one of them. 'By all means. I'll call my scribe.' 'Oh, I can scribe right enough, thanks,' said Cyril, finding the pencil and licking its point. He even had to bite the wood a little, for it was very blunt. 'Oh, you clever, clever boy!' said the Queen. 'DO let me watch you do it!' Cyril wrote on a leaf of the book--it was of rough, woolly paper, with hairs that stuck out and would have got in his pen if he had been using one, and ruled for accounts. 'Hide IT most carefully before you come here,' he wrote, 'and don't mention it--and destroy this letter. Everything is going A1. The Queen is a fair treat. There's nothing to be afraid of.' 'What curious characters, and what a strange flat surface!' said the Queen. 'What have you inscribed?' 'I've 'scribed,' replied Cyril cautiously, 'that you are fair, and a--and like a--like a festival; and that she need not be afraid, and that she is to come at once.' Ritti-Marduk, who had come in and had stood waiting while Cyril wrote, his Babylonish eyes nearly starting out of his Babylonish head, now took the letter, with some reluctance. 'O Queen, live for ever! Is it a charm?' he timidly asked. 'A strong charm, most great lady?' 'YES,' said Robert, unexpectedly, 'it IS a charm, but it won't hurt anyone until you've given it to Jane. And then she'll destroy it, so that it CAN'T hurt anyone. It's most awful strong!--as strong as--Peppermint!' he ended abruptly. 'I know not the god,' said Ritti-Marduk, bending timorously. 'She'll tear it up directly she gets it,' said Robert, 'That'll end the charm. You needn't be afraid if you go now.' Ritti-Marduk went, seeming only partly satisfied; and then the Queen began to admire the penny account-book and the bit of pencil in so marked and significant a way that Cyril felt he could not do less than press them upon her as a gift. She ruffled the leaves delightedly. 'What a wonderful substance!' she said. 'And with this style you make charms? Make a charm for me! Do you know,' her voice sank to a whisper, 'the names of the great ones of your own far country?' 'Rather!' said Cyril, and hastily wrote the names of Alfred the Great, Shakespeare, Nelson, Gordon, Lord Beaconsfield, Mr Rudyard Kipling, and Mr Sherlock Holmes, while the Queen watched him with 'unbaited breath', as Anthea said afterwards. She took the book and hid it reverently among the bright folds of her gown. 'You shall teach me later to say the great names,' she said. 'And the names of their Ministers--perhaps the great Nisroch is one of them?' 'I don't think so,' said Cyril. 'Mr Campbell Bannerman's Prime Minister and Mr Burns a Minister, and so is the Archbishop of Canterbury, I think, but I'm not sure--and Dr Parker was one, I know, and--' 'No more,' said the Queen, putting her hands to her ears. 'My head's going round with all those great names. You shall teach them to me later--because of course you'll make us a nice long visit now you have come, won't you? Now tell me--but no, I am quite tired out with your being so clever. Besides, I'm sure you'd like ME to tell YOU something, wouldn't you?' 'Yes,' said Anthea. 'I want to know how it is that the King has gone--' 'Excuse me, but you should say "the King may-he-live-for-ever",' said the Queen gently. 'I beg your pardon,' Anthea hastened to say--'the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone to fetch home his fourteenth wife? I don't think even Bluebeard had as many as that. And, besides, he hasn't killed YOU at any rate.' The Queen looked bewildered. 'She means,' explained Robert, 'that English kings only have one wife--at least, Henry the Eighth had seven or eight, but not all at once.' 'In our country,' said the Queen scornfully, 'a king would not reign a day who had only one wife. No one would respect him, and quite right too.' 'Then are all the other thirteen alive?' asked Anthea. 'Of course they are--poor mean-spirited things! I don't associate with them, of course, I am the Queen: they're only the wives.' 'I see,' said Anthea, gasping. 'But oh, my dears,' the Queen went on, 'such a to-do as there's been about this last wife! You never did! It really was TOO funny. We wanted an Egyptian princess. The King may-he-live-for-ever has got a wife from most of the important nations, and he had set his heart on an Egyptian one to complete his collection. Well, of course, to begin with, we sent a handsome present of gold. The Egyptian king sent back some horses--quite a few; he's fearfully stingy!--and he said he liked the gold very much, but what they were really short of was lapis lazuli, so of course we sent him some. But by that time he'd begun to use the gold to cover the beams of the roof of the Temple of the Sun-God, and he hadn't nearly enough to finish the job, so we sent some more. And so it went on, oh, for years. You see each journey takes at least six months. And at last we asked the hand of his daughter in marriage.' 'Yes, and then?' said Anthea, who wanted to get to the princess part of the story. 'Well, then,' said the Queen, 'when he'd got everything out of us that he could, and only given the meanest presents in return, he sent to say he would esteem the honour of an alliance very highly, only unfortunately he hadn't any daughter, but he hoped one would be born soon, and if so, she should certainly be reserved for the King of Babylon!' 'What a trick!' said Cyril. 'Yes, wasn't it? So then we said his sister would do, and then there were more gifts and more journeys; and now at last the tiresome, black-haired thing is coming, and the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone seven days' journey to meet her at Carchemish. And he's gone in his best chariot, the one inlaid with lapis lazuli and gold, with the gold-plated wheels and onyx-studded hubs--much too great an honour in my opinion. She'll be here tonight; there'll be a grand banquet to celebrate her arrival. SHE won't be present, of course. She'll be having her baths and her anointings, and all that sort of thing. We always clean our foreign brides very carefully. It takes two or three weeks. Now it's dinnertime, and you shall eat with me, for I can see that you are of high rank.' She led them into a dark, cool hall, with many cushions on the floor. On these they sat and low tables were brought--beautiful tables of smooth, blue stone mounted in gold. On these, golden trays were placed; but there were no knives, or forks, or spoons. The children expected the Queen to call for them; but no. She just ate with her fingers, and as the first dish was a great tray of boiled corn, and meat and raisins all mixed up together, and melted fat poured all over the tray, it was found difficult to follow her example with anything like what we are used to think of as good table manners. There were stewed quinces afterwards, and dates in syrup, and thick yellowy cream. It was the kind of dinner you hardly ever get in Fitzroy Street. After dinner everybody went to sleep, even the children. The Queen awoke with a start. 'Good gracious!' she cried, 'what a time we've slept! I must rush off and dress for the banquet. I shan't have much more than time.' 'Hasn't Ritti-Marduk got back with our sister and the Psammead yet?' Anthea asked. 'I QUITE forgot to ask. I'm sorry,' said the Queen. 'And of course they wouldn't announce her unless I told them to, except during justice hours. I expect she's waiting outside. I'll see.' Ritti-Marduk came in a moment later. 'I regret,' he said, 'that I have been unable to find your sister. The beast she bears with her in a basket has bitten the child of the guard, and your sister and the beast set out to come to you. The police say they have a clue. No doubt we shall have news of her in a few weeks.' He bowed and withdrew. The horror of this threefold loss--Jane, the Psammead, and the Amulet--gave the children something to talk about while the Queen was dressing. I shall not report their conversation; it was very gloomy. Everyone repeated himself several times, and the discussion ended in each of them blaming the other two for having let Jane go. You know the sort of talk it was, don't you? At last Cyril said-- 'After all, she's with the Psammead, so SHE'S all right. The Psammead is jolly careful of itself too. And it isn't as if we were in any danger. Let's try to buck up and enjoy the banquet.' They did enjoy the banquet. They had a beautiful bath, which was delicious, were heavily oiled all over, including their hair, and that was most unpleasant. Then, they dressed again and were presented to the King, who was most affable. The banquet was long; there were all sorts of nice things to eat, and everybody seemed to eat and drink a good deal. Everyone lay on cushions and couches, ladies on one side and gentlemen on the other; and after the eating was done each lady went and sat by some gentleman, who seemed to be her sweetheart or her husband, for they were very affectionate to each other. The Court dresses had gold threads woven in them, very bright and beautiful. The middle of the room was left clear, and different people came and did amusing things. There were conjurers and jugglers and snake-charmers, which last Anthea did not like at all. When it got dark torches were lighted. Cedar splinters dipped in oil blazed in copper dishes set high on poles. Then there was a dancer, who hardly danced at all, only just struck attitudes. She had hardly any clothes, and was not at all pretty. The children were rather bored by her, but everyone else was delighted, including the King. 'By the beard of Nimrod!' he cried, 'ask what you like girl, and you shall have it!' 'I want nothing,' said the dancer; 'the honour of having pleased the King may-he-live-for-ever is reward enough for me.' And the King was so pleased with this modest and sensible reply that he gave her the gold collar off his own neck. 'I say!' said Cyril, awed by the magnificence of the gift. 'It's all right,' whispered the Queen, 'it's not his best collar by any means. We always keep a stock of cheap jewellery for these occasions. And now--you promised to sing us something. Would you like my minstrels to accompany you?' 'No, thank you,' said Anthea quickly. The minstrels had been playing off and on all the time, and their music reminded Anthea of the band she and the others had once had on the fifth of November--with penny horns, a tin whistle, a tea-tray, the tongs, a policeman's rattle, and a toy drum. They had enjoyed this band very much at the time. But it was quite different when someone else was making the same kind of music. Anthea understood now that Father had not been really heartless and unreasonable when he had told them to stop that infuriating din. 'What shall we sing?' Cyril was asking. 'Sweet and low?' suggested Anthea. 'Too soft--I vote for "Who will o'er the downs". Now then--one, two, three. 'Oh, who will o'er the downs so free, Oh, who will with me ride, Oh, who will up and follow me, To win a blooming bride? Her father he has locked the door, Her mother keeps the key; But neither bolt nor bar shall keep My own true love from me.' Jane, the alto, was missing, and Robert, unlike the mother of the lady in the song, never could 'keep the key', but the song, even so, was sufficiently unlike anything any of them had ever heard to rouse the Babylonian Court to the wildest enthusiasm. 'More, more,' cried the King; 'by my beard, this savage music is a new thing. Sing again!' So they sang: 'I saw her bower at twilight gray, 'Twas guarded safe and sure. I saw her bower at break of day, 'Twas guarded then no more. The varlets they were all asleep, And there was none to see The greeting fair that passed there Between my love and me.' Shouts of applause greeted the ending of the verse, and the King would not be satisfied till they had sung all their part-songs (they only knew three) twice over, and ended up with 'Men of Harlech' in unison. Then the King stood up in his royal robes with his high, narrow crown on his head and shouted-- 'By the beak of Nisroch, ask what you will, strangers from the land where the sun never sets!' 'We ought to say it's enough honour, like the dancer did,' whispered Anthea. 'No, let's ask for IT,' said Robert. 'No, no, I'm sure the other's manners,' said Anthea. But Robert, who was excited by the music, and the flaring torches, and the applause and the opportunity, spoke up before the others could stop him. 'Give us the half of the Amulet that has on it the name UR HEKAU SETCHEH,' he said, adding as an afterthought, 'O King, live-for-ever.' As he spoke the great name those in the pillared hall fell on their faces, and lay still. All but the Queen who crouched amid her cushions with her head in her hands, and the King, who stood upright, perfectly still, like the statue of a king in stone. It was only for a moment though. Then his great voice thundered out-- 'Guard, seize them!' Instantly, from nowhere as it seemed, sprang eight soldiers in bright armour inlaid with gold, and tunics of red and white. Very splendid they were, and very alarming. 'Impious and sacrilegious wretches!' shouted the King. 'To the dungeons with them! We will find a way, tomorrow, to make them speak. For without doubt they can tell us where to find the lost half of It.' A wall of scarlet and white and steel and gold closed up round the children and hurried them away among the many pillars of the great hall. As they went they heard the voices of the courtiers loud in horror. 'You've done it this time,' said Cyril with extreme bitterness. 'Oh, it will come right. It MUST. It always does,' said Anthea desperately. They could not see where they were going, because the guard surrounded them so closely, but the ground under their feet, smooth marble at first, grew rougher like stone, then it was loose earth and sand, and they felt the night air. Then there was more stone, and steps down. 'It's my belief we really ARE going to the deepest dungeon below the castle moat this time,' said Cyril. And they were. At least it was not below a moat, but below the river Euphrates, which was just as bad if not worse. In a most unpleasant place it was. Dark, very, very damp, and with an odd, musty smell rather like the shells of oysters. There was a torch--that is to say, a copper basket on a high stick with oiled wood burning in it. By its light the children saw that the walls were green, and that trickles of water ran down them and dripped from the roof. There were things on the floor that looked like newts, and in the dark corners creepy, shiny things moved sluggishly, uneasily, horribly. Robert's heart sank right into those really reliable boots of his. Anthea and Cyril each had a private struggle with that inside disagreeableness which is part of all of us, and which is sometimes called the Old Adam--and both were victors. Neither of them said to Robert (and both tried hard not even to think it), 'This is YOUR doing.' Anthea had the additional temptation to add, 'I told you so.' And she resisted it successfully. 'Sacrilege, and impious cheek,' said the captain of the guard to the gaoler. 'To be kept during the King's pleasure. I expect he means to get some pleasure out of them tomorrow! He'll tickle them up!' 'Poor little kids,' said the gaoler. 'Oh, yes,' said the captain. 'I've got kids of my own too. But it doesn't do to let domestic sentiment interfere with one's public duties. Good night.' The soldiers tramped heavily off in their white and red and steel and gold. The gaoler, with a bunch of big keys in his hand, stood looking pityingly at the children. He shook his head twice and went out. 'Courage!' said Anthea. 'I know it will be all right. It's only a dream REALLY, you know. It MUST be! I don't believe about time being only a something or other of thought. It IS a dream, and we're bound to wake up all right and safe.' 'Humph,' said Cyril bitterly. And Robert suddenly said-- 'It's all my doing. If it really IS all up do please not keep a down on me about it, and tell Father--Oh, I forgot.' What he had forgotten was that his father was 3,000 miles and 5,000 or more years away from him. 'All right, Bobs, old man,' said Cyril; and Anthea got hold of Robert's hand and squeezed it. Then the gaoler came back with a platter of hard, flat cakes made of coarse grain, very different from the cream-and-juicy-date feasts of the palace; also a pitcher of water. 'There,' he said. 'Oh, thank you so very much. You ARE kind,' said Anthea feverishly. 'Go to sleep,' said the gaoler, pointing to a heap of straw in a corner; 'tomorrow comes soon enough.' 'Oh, dear Mr Gaoler,' said Anthea, 'whatever will they do to us tomorrow?' 'They'll try to make you tell things,' said the gaoler grimly, 'and my advice is if you've nothing to tell, make up something. Then perhaps they'll sell you to the Northern nations. Regular savages THEY are. Good night.' 'Good night,' said three trembling voices, which their owners strove in vain to render firm. Then he went out, and the three were left alone in the damp, dim vault. 'I know the light won't last long,' said Cyril, looking at the flickering brazier. 'Is it any good, do you think, calling on the name when we haven't got the charm?' suggested Anthea. 'I shouldn't think so. But we might try.' So they tried. But the blank silence of the damp dungeon remained unchanged. 'What was the name the Queen said?' asked Cyril suddenly. 'Nisbeth--Nesbit--something? You know, the slave of the great names?' 'Wait a sec,' said Robert, 'though I | through | How many times the word 'through' appears in the text? | 2 |
woman and said, 'You'll take me home with you, won't you? And let me play with your little girls till the others have done with the Queen.' 'Surely I will, little heart!' said the woman. And then Anthea hurriedly stroked the Psammead and embraced Jane, who took the woman's hand, and trotted contentedly away with the Psammead's bag under the other arm. The others stood looking after her till she, the woman, and the basket were lost in the many-coloured crowd. Then Anthea turned once more to the palace's magnificent doorway and said-- 'Let's ask the porter to take care of our Babylonian overcoats.' So they took off the garments that the woman had lent them and stood amid the jostling petitioners of the Queen in their own English frocks and coats and hats and boots. 'We want to see the Queen,' said Cyril; 'we come from the far Empire where the sun never sets!' A murmur of surprise and a thrill of excitement ran through the crowd. The door-porter spoke to a black man, he spoke to someone else. There was a whispering, waiting pause. Then a big man, with a cleanly-shaven face, beckoned them from the top of a flight of red marble steps. They went up; the boots of Robert clattering more than usual because he was so nervous. A door swung open, a curtain was drawn back. A double line of bowing forms in gorgeous raiment formed a lane that led to the steps of the throne, and as the children advanced hurriedly there came from the throne a voice very sweet and kind. 'Three children from the land where the sun never sets! Let them draw hither without fear.' In another minute they were kneeling at the throne's foot, saying, 'O Queen, live for ever!' exactly as the woman had taught them. And a splendid dream-lady, all gold and silver and jewels and snowy drift of veils, was raising Anthea, and saying-- 'Don't be frightened, I really am SO glad you came! The land where the sun never sets! I am delighted to see you! I was getting quite too dreadfully bored for anything!' And behind Anthea the kneeling Cyril whispered in the ears of the respectful Robert-- 'Bobs, don't say anything to Panther. It's no use upsetting her, but we didn't ask for Jane's address, and the Psammead's with her.' 'Well,' whispered Robert, 'the charm can bring them to us at any moment. IT said so.' 'Oh, yes,' whispered Cyril, in miserable derision, 'WE'RE all right, of course. So we are! Oh, yes! If we'd only GOT the charm.' Then Robert saw, and he murmured, 'Crikey!' at the foot of the throne of Babylon; while Cyril hoarsely whispered the plain English fact-- 'Jane's got the charm round her neck, you silly cuckoo.' 'Crikey!' Robert repeated in heart-broken undertones. CHAPTER 7. 'THE DEEPEST DUNGEON BELOW THE CASTLE MOAT' The Queen threw three of the red and gold embroidered cushions off the throne on to the marble steps that led up to it. 'Just make yourselves comfortable there,' she said. 'I'm simply dying to talk to you, and to hear all about your wonderful country and how you got here, and everything, but I have to do justice every morning. Such a bore, isn't it? Do you do justice in your own country?' 'No, said Cyril; 'at least of course we try to, but not in this public sort of way, only in private.' 'Ah, yes,' said the Queen, 'I should much prefer a private audience myself--much easier to manage. But public opinion has to be considered. Doing justice is very hard work, even when you're brought up to it.' 'We don't do justice, but we have to do scales, Jane and me,' said Anthea, 'twenty minutes a day. It's simply horrid.' 'What are scales?' asked the Queen, 'and what is Jane?' 'Jane is my little sister. One of the guards-at-the-gate's wife is taking care of her. And scales are music.' 'I never heard of the instrument,' said the Queen. 'Do you sing?' 'Oh, yes. We can sing in parts,' said Anthea. 'That IS magic,' said the Queen. 'How many parts are you each cut into before you do it?' 'We aren't cut at all,' said Robert hastily. 'We couldn't sing if we were. We'll show you afterwards.' 'So you shall, and now sit quiet like dear children and hear me do justice. The way I do it has always been admired. I oughtn't to say that ought I? Sounds so conceited. But I don't mind with you, dears. Somehow I feel as though I'd known you quite a long time already.' The Queen settled herself on her throne and made a signal to her attendants. The children, whispering together among the cushions on the steps of the throne, decided that she was very beautiful and very kind, but perhaps just the least bit flighty. The first person who came to ask for justice was a woman whose brother had taken the money the father had left for her. The brother said it was the uncle who had the money. There was a good deal of talk and the children were growing rather bored, when the Queen suddenly clapped her hands, and said-- 'Put both the men in prison till one of them owns up that the other is innocent.' 'But suppose they both did it?' Cyril could not help interrupting. 'Then prison's the best place for them,' said the Queen. 'But suppose neither did it.' 'That's impossible,' said the Queen; 'a thing's not done unless someone does it. And you mustn't interrupt.' Then came a woman, in tears, with a torn veil and real ashes on her head--at least Anthea thought so, but it may have been only road-dust. She complained that her husband was in prison. 'What for?' said the Queen. 'They SAID it was for speaking evil of your Majesty,' said the woman, 'but it wasn't. Someone had a spite against him. That was what it was.' 'How do you know he hadn't spoken evil of me?' said the Queen. 'No one could,' said the woman simply, 'when they'd once seen your beautiful face.' 'Let the man out,' said the Queen, smiling. 'Next case.' The next case was that of a boy who had stolen a fox. 'Like the Spartan boy,' whispered Robert. But the Queen ruled that nobody could have any possible reason for owning a fox, and still less for stealing one. And she did not believe that there were any foxes in Babylon; she, at any rate, had never seen one. So the boy was released. The people came to the Queen about all sorts of family quarrels and neighbourly misunderstandings--from a fight between brothers over the division of an inheritance, to the dishonest and unfriendly conduct of a woman who had borrowed a cooking-pot at the last New Year's festival, and not returned it yet. And the Queen decided everything, very, very decidedly indeed. At last she clapped her hands quite suddenly and with extreme loudness, and said-- 'The audience is over for today.' Everyone said, 'May the Queen live for ever!' and went out. And the children were left alone in the justice-hall with the Queen of Babylon and her ladies. 'There!' said the Queen, with a long sigh of relief. 'THAT'S over! I couldn't have done another stitch of justice if you'd offered me the crown of Egypt! Now come into the garden, and we'll have a nice, long, cosy talk.' She led them through long, narrow corridors whose walls they somehow felt, were very, very thick, into a sort of garden courtyard. There were thick shrubs closely planted, and roses were trained over trellises, and made a pleasant shade--needed, indeed, for already the sun was as hot as it is in England in August at the seaside. Slaves spread cushions on a low, marble terrace, and a big man with a smooth face served cool drink in cups of gold studded with beryls. He drank a little from the Queen's cup before handing it to her. 'That's rather a nasty trick,' whispered Robert, who had been carefully taught never to drink out of one of the nice, shiny, metal cups that are chained to the London drinking fountains without first rinsing it out thoroughly. The Queen overheard him. 'Not at all,' said she. 'Ritti-Marduk is a very clean man. And one has to have SOME ONE as taster, you know, because of poison.' The word made the children feel rather creepy; but Ritti-Marduk had tasted all the cups, so they felt pretty safe. The drink was delicious--very cold, and tasting like lemonade and partly like penny ices. 'Leave us,' said the Queen. And all the Court ladies, in their beautiful, many-folded, many-coloured, fringed dresses, filed out slowly, and the children were left alone with the Queen. 'Now,' she said, 'tell me all about yourselves.' They looked at each other. 'You, Bobs,' said Cyril. 'No--Anthea,' said Robert. 'No--you--Cyril,' said Anthea. 'Don't you remember how pleased the Queen of India was when you told her all about us?' Cyril muttered that it was all very well, and so it was. For when he had told the tale of the Phoenix and the Carpet to the Ranee, it had been only the truth--and all the truth that he had to tell. But now it was not easy to tell a convincing story without mentioning the Amulet--which, of course, it wouldn't have done to mention--and without owning that they were really living in London, about 2,500 years later than the time they were talking in. Cyril took refuge in the tale of the Psammead and its wonderful power of making wishes come true. The children had never been able to tell anyone before, and Cyril was surprised to find that the spell which kept them silent in London did not work here. 'Something to do with our being in the Past, I suppose,' he said to himself. 'This is MOST interesting,' said the Queen. 'We must have this Psammead for the banquet tonight. Its performance will be one of the most popular turns in the whole programme. Where is it?' Anthea explained that they did not know; also why it was that they did not know. 'Oh, THAT'S quite simple,' said the Queen, and everyone breathed a deep sigh of relief as she said it. 'Ritti-Marduk shall run down to the gates and find out which guard your sister went home with.' 'Might he'--Anthea's voice was tremulous--'might he--would it interfere with his meal-times, or anything like that, if he went NOW?' 'Of course he shall go now. He may think himself lucky if he gets his meals at any time,' said the Queen heartily, and clapped her hands. 'May I send a letter?' asked Cyril, pulling out a red-backed penny account-book, and feeling in his pockets for a stump of pencil that he knew was in one of them. 'By all means. I'll call my scribe.' 'Oh, I can scribe right enough, thanks,' said Cyril, finding the pencil and licking its point. He even had to bite the wood a little, for it was very blunt. 'Oh, you clever, clever boy!' said the Queen. 'DO let me watch you do it!' Cyril wrote on a leaf of the book--it was of rough, woolly paper, with hairs that stuck out and would have got in his pen if he had been using one, and ruled for accounts. 'Hide IT most carefully before you come here,' he wrote, 'and don't mention it--and destroy this letter. Everything is going A1. The Queen is a fair treat. There's nothing to be afraid of.' 'What curious characters, and what a strange flat surface!' said the Queen. 'What have you inscribed?' 'I've 'scribed,' replied Cyril cautiously, 'that you are fair, and a--and like a--like a festival; and that she need not be afraid, and that she is to come at once.' Ritti-Marduk, who had come in and had stood waiting while Cyril wrote, his Babylonish eyes nearly starting out of his Babylonish head, now took the letter, with some reluctance. 'O Queen, live for ever! Is it a charm?' he timidly asked. 'A strong charm, most great lady?' 'YES,' said Robert, unexpectedly, 'it IS a charm, but it won't hurt anyone until you've given it to Jane. And then she'll destroy it, so that it CAN'T hurt anyone. It's most awful strong!--as strong as--Peppermint!' he ended abruptly. 'I know not the god,' said Ritti-Marduk, bending timorously. 'She'll tear it up directly she gets it,' said Robert, 'That'll end the charm. You needn't be afraid if you go now.' Ritti-Marduk went, seeming only partly satisfied; and then the Queen began to admire the penny account-book and the bit of pencil in so marked and significant a way that Cyril felt he could not do less than press them upon her as a gift. She ruffled the leaves delightedly. 'What a wonderful substance!' she said. 'And with this style you make charms? Make a charm for me! Do you know,' her voice sank to a whisper, 'the names of the great ones of your own far country?' 'Rather!' said Cyril, and hastily wrote the names of Alfred the Great, Shakespeare, Nelson, Gordon, Lord Beaconsfield, Mr Rudyard Kipling, and Mr Sherlock Holmes, while the Queen watched him with 'unbaited breath', as Anthea said afterwards. She took the book and hid it reverently among the bright folds of her gown. 'You shall teach me later to say the great names,' she said. 'And the names of their Ministers--perhaps the great Nisroch is one of them?' 'I don't think so,' said Cyril. 'Mr Campbell Bannerman's Prime Minister and Mr Burns a Minister, and so is the Archbishop of Canterbury, I think, but I'm not sure--and Dr Parker was one, I know, and--' 'No more,' said the Queen, putting her hands to her ears. 'My head's going round with all those great names. You shall teach them to me later--because of course you'll make us a nice long visit now you have come, won't you? Now tell me--but no, I am quite tired out with your being so clever. Besides, I'm sure you'd like ME to tell YOU something, wouldn't you?' 'Yes,' said Anthea. 'I want to know how it is that the King has gone--' 'Excuse me, but you should say "the King may-he-live-for-ever",' said the Queen gently. 'I beg your pardon,' Anthea hastened to say--'the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone to fetch home his fourteenth wife? I don't think even Bluebeard had as many as that. And, besides, he hasn't killed YOU at any rate.' The Queen looked bewildered. 'She means,' explained Robert, 'that English kings only have one wife--at least, Henry the Eighth had seven or eight, but not all at once.' 'In our country,' said the Queen scornfully, 'a king would not reign a day who had only one wife. No one would respect him, and quite right too.' 'Then are all the other thirteen alive?' asked Anthea. 'Of course they are--poor mean-spirited things! I don't associate with them, of course, I am the Queen: they're only the wives.' 'I see,' said Anthea, gasping. 'But oh, my dears,' the Queen went on, 'such a to-do as there's been about this last wife! You never did! It really was TOO funny. We wanted an Egyptian princess. The King may-he-live-for-ever has got a wife from most of the important nations, and he had set his heart on an Egyptian one to complete his collection. Well, of course, to begin with, we sent a handsome present of gold. The Egyptian king sent back some horses--quite a few; he's fearfully stingy!--and he said he liked the gold very much, but what they were really short of was lapis lazuli, so of course we sent him some. But by that time he'd begun to use the gold to cover the beams of the roof of the Temple of the Sun-God, and he hadn't nearly enough to finish the job, so we sent some more. And so it went on, oh, for years. You see each journey takes at least six months. And at last we asked the hand of his daughter in marriage.' 'Yes, and then?' said Anthea, who wanted to get to the princess part of the story. 'Well, then,' said the Queen, 'when he'd got everything out of us that he could, and only given the meanest presents in return, he sent to say he would esteem the honour of an alliance very highly, only unfortunately he hadn't any daughter, but he hoped one would be born soon, and if so, she should certainly be reserved for the King of Babylon!' 'What a trick!' said Cyril. 'Yes, wasn't it? So then we said his sister would do, and then there were more gifts and more journeys; and now at last the tiresome, black-haired thing is coming, and the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone seven days' journey to meet her at Carchemish. And he's gone in his best chariot, the one inlaid with lapis lazuli and gold, with the gold-plated wheels and onyx-studded hubs--much too great an honour in my opinion. She'll be here tonight; there'll be a grand banquet to celebrate her arrival. SHE won't be present, of course. She'll be having her baths and her anointings, and all that sort of thing. We always clean our foreign brides very carefully. It takes two or three weeks. Now it's dinnertime, and you shall eat with me, for I can see that you are of high rank.' She led them into a dark, cool hall, with many cushions on the floor. On these they sat and low tables were brought--beautiful tables of smooth, blue stone mounted in gold. On these, golden trays were placed; but there were no knives, or forks, or spoons. The children expected the Queen to call for them; but no. She just ate with her fingers, and as the first dish was a great tray of boiled corn, and meat and raisins all mixed up together, and melted fat poured all over the tray, it was found difficult to follow her example with anything like what we are used to think of as good table manners. There were stewed quinces afterwards, and dates in syrup, and thick yellowy cream. It was the kind of dinner you hardly ever get in Fitzroy Street. After dinner everybody went to sleep, even the children. The Queen awoke with a start. 'Good gracious!' she cried, 'what a time we've slept! I must rush off and dress for the banquet. I shan't have much more than time.' 'Hasn't Ritti-Marduk got back with our sister and the Psammead yet?' Anthea asked. 'I QUITE forgot to ask. I'm sorry,' said the Queen. 'And of course they wouldn't announce her unless I told them to, except during justice hours. I expect she's waiting outside. I'll see.' Ritti-Marduk came in a moment later. 'I regret,' he said, 'that I have been unable to find your sister. The beast she bears with her in a basket has bitten the child of the guard, and your sister and the beast set out to come to you. The police say they have a clue. No doubt we shall have news of her in a few weeks.' He bowed and withdrew. The horror of this threefold loss--Jane, the Psammead, and the Amulet--gave the children something to talk about while the Queen was dressing. I shall not report their conversation; it was very gloomy. Everyone repeated himself several times, and the discussion ended in each of them blaming the other two for having let Jane go. You know the sort of talk it was, don't you? At last Cyril said-- 'After all, she's with the Psammead, so SHE'S all right. The Psammead is jolly careful of itself too. And it isn't as if we were in any danger. Let's try to buck up and enjoy the banquet.' They did enjoy the banquet. They had a beautiful bath, which was delicious, were heavily oiled all over, including their hair, and that was most unpleasant. Then, they dressed again and were presented to the King, who was most affable. The banquet was long; there were all sorts of nice things to eat, and everybody seemed to eat and drink a good deal. Everyone lay on cushions and couches, ladies on one side and gentlemen on the other; and after the eating was done each lady went and sat by some gentleman, who seemed to be her sweetheart or her husband, for they were very affectionate to each other. The Court dresses had gold threads woven in them, very bright and beautiful. The middle of the room was left clear, and different people came and did amusing things. There were conjurers and jugglers and snake-charmers, which last Anthea did not like at all. When it got dark torches were lighted. Cedar splinters dipped in oil blazed in copper dishes set high on poles. Then there was a dancer, who hardly danced at all, only just struck attitudes. She had hardly any clothes, and was not at all pretty. The children were rather bored by her, but everyone else was delighted, including the King. 'By the beard of Nimrod!' he cried, 'ask what you like girl, and you shall have it!' 'I want nothing,' said the dancer; 'the honour of having pleased the King may-he-live-for-ever is reward enough for me.' And the King was so pleased with this modest and sensible reply that he gave her the gold collar off his own neck. 'I say!' said Cyril, awed by the magnificence of the gift. 'It's all right,' whispered the Queen, 'it's not his best collar by any means. We always keep a stock of cheap jewellery for these occasions. And now--you promised to sing us something. Would you like my minstrels to accompany you?' 'No, thank you,' said Anthea quickly. The minstrels had been playing off and on all the time, and their music reminded Anthea of the band she and the others had once had on the fifth of November--with penny horns, a tin whistle, a tea-tray, the tongs, a policeman's rattle, and a toy drum. They had enjoyed this band very much at the time. But it was quite different when someone else was making the same kind of music. Anthea understood now that Father had not been really heartless and unreasonable when he had told them to stop that infuriating din. 'What shall we sing?' Cyril was asking. 'Sweet and low?' suggested Anthea. 'Too soft--I vote for "Who will o'er the downs". Now then--one, two, three. 'Oh, who will o'er the downs so free, Oh, who will with me ride, Oh, who will up and follow me, To win a blooming bride? Her father he has locked the door, Her mother keeps the key; But neither bolt nor bar shall keep My own true love from me.' Jane, the alto, was missing, and Robert, unlike the mother of the lady in the song, never could 'keep the key', but the song, even so, was sufficiently unlike anything any of them had ever heard to rouse the Babylonian Court to the wildest enthusiasm. 'More, more,' cried the King; 'by my beard, this savage music is a new thing. Sing again!' So they sang: 'I saw her bower at twilight gray, 'Twas guarded safe and sure. I saw her bower at break of day, 'Twas guarded then no more. The varlets they were all asleep, And there was none to see The greeting fair that passed there Between my love and me.' Shouts of applause greeted the ending of the verse, and the King would not be satisfied till they had sung all their part-songs (they only knew three) twice over, and ended up with 'Men of Harlech' in unison. Then the King stood up in his royal robes with his high, narrow crown on his head and shouted-- 'By the beak of Nisroch, ask what you will, strangers from the land where the sun never sets!' 'We ought to say it's enough honour, like the dancer did,' whispered Anthea. 'No, let's ask for IT,' said Robert. 'No, no, I'm sure the other's manners,' said Anthea. But Robert, who was excited by the music, and the flaring torches, and the applause and the opportunity, spoke up before the others could stop him. 'Give us the half of the Amulet that has on it the name UR HEKAU SETCHEH,' he said, adding as an afterthought, 'O King, live-for-ever.' As he spoke the great name those in the pillared hall fell on their faces, and lay still. All but the Queen who crouched amid her cushions with her head in her hands, and the King, who stood upright, perfectly still, like the statue of a king in stone. It was only for a moment though. Then his great voice thundered out-- 'Guard, seize them!' Instantly, from nowhere as it seemed, sprang eight soldiers in bright armour inlaid with gold, and tunics of red and white. Very splendid they were, and very alarming. 'Impious and sacrilegious wretches!' shouted the King. 'To the dungeons with them! We will find a way, tomorrow, to make them speak. For without doubt they can tell us where to find the lost half of It.' A wall of scarlet and white and steel and gold closed up round the children and hurried them away among the many pillars of the great hall. As they went they heard the voices of the courtiers loud in horror. 'You've done it this time,' said Cyril with extreme bitterness. 'Oh, it will come right. It MUST. It always does,' said Anthea desperately. They could not see where they were going, because the guard surrounded them so closely, but the ground under their feet, smooth marble at first, grew rougher like stone, then it was loose earth and sand, and they felt the night air. Then there was more stone, and steps down. 'It's my belief we really ARE going to the deepest dungeon below the castle moat this time,' said Cyril. And they were. At least it was not below a moat, but below the river Euphrates, which was just as bad if not worse. In a most unpleasant place it was. Dark, very, very damp, and with an odd, musty smell rather like the shells of oysters. There was a torch--that is to say, a copper basket on a high stick with oiled wood burning in it. By its light the children saw that the walls were green, and that trickles of water ran down them and dripped from the roof. There were things on the floor that looked like newts, and in the dark corners creepy, shiny things moved sluggishly, uneasily, horribly. Robert's heart sank right into those really reliable boots of his. Anthea and Cyril each had a private struggle with that inside disagreeableness which is part of all of us, and which is sometimes called the Old Adam--and both were victors. Neither of them said to Robert (and both tried hard not even to think it), 'This is YOUR doing.' Anthea had the additional temptation to add, 'I told you so.' And she resisted it successfully. 'Sacrilege, and impious cheek,' said the captain of the guard to the gaoler. 'To be kept during the King's pleasure. I expect he means to get some pleasure out of them tomorrow! He'll tickle them up!' 'Poor little kids,' said the gaoler. 'Oh, yes,' said the captain. 'I've got kids of my own too. But it doesn't do to let domestic sentiment interfere with one's public duties. Good night.' The soldiers tramped heavily off in their white and red and steel and gold. The gaoler, with a bunch of big keys in his hand, stood looking pityingly at the children. He shook his head twice and went out. 'Courage!' said Anthea. 'I know it will be all right. It's only a dream REALLY, you know. It MUST be! I don't believe about time being only a something or other of thought. It IS a dream, and we're bound to wake up all right and safe.' 'Humph,' said Cyril bitterly. And Robert suddenly said-- 'It's all my doing. If it really IS all up do please not keep a down on me about it, and tell Father--Oh, I forgot.' What he had forgotten was that his father was 3,000 miles and 5,000 or more years away from him. 'All right, Bobs, old man,' said Cyril; and Anthea got hold of Robert's hand and squeezed it. Then the gaoler came back with a platter of hard, flat cakes made of coarse grain, very different from the cream-and-juicy-date feasts of the palace; also a pitcher of water. 'There,' he said. 'Oh, thank you so very much. You ARE kind,' said Anthea feverishly. 'Go to sleep,' said the gaoler, pointing to a heap of straw in a corner; 'tomorrow comes soon enough.' 'Oh, dear Mr Gaoler,' said Anthea, 'whatever will they do to us tomorrow?' 'They'll try to make you tell things,' said the gaoler grimly, 'and my advice is if you've nothing to tell, make up something. Then perhaps they'll sell you to the Northern nations. Regular savages THEY are. Good night.' 'Good night,' said three trembling voices, which their owners strove in vain to render firm. Then he went out, and the three were left alone in the damp, dim vault. 'I know the light won't last long,' said Cyril, looking at the flickering brazier. 'Is it any good, do you think, calling on the name when we haven't got the charm?' suggested Anthea. 'I shouldn't think so. But we might try.' So they tried. But the blank silence of the damp dungeon remained unchanged. 'What was the name the Queen said?' asked Cyril suddenly. 'Nisbeth--Nesbit--something? You know, the slave of the great names?' 'Wait a sec,' said Robert, 'though I | released | How many times the word 'released' appears in the text? | 1 |
woman and said, 'You'll take me home with you, won't you? And let me play with your little girls till the others have done with the Queen.' 'Surely I will, little heart!' said the woman. And then Anthea hurriedly stroked the Psammead and embraced Jane, who took the woman's hand, and trotted contentedly away with the Psammead's bag under the other arm. The others stood looking after her till she, the woman, and the basket were lost in the many-coloured crowd. Then Anthea turned once more to the palace's magnificent doorway and said-- 'Let's ask the porter to take care of our Babylonian overcoats.' So they took off the garments that the woman had lent them and stood amid the jostling petitioners of the Queen in their own English frocks and coats and hats and boots. 'We want to see the Queen,' said Cyril; 'we come from the far Empire where the sun never sets!' A murmur of surprise and a thrill of excitement ran through the crowd. The door-porter spoke to a black man, he spoke to someone else. There was a whispering, waiting pause. Then a big man, with a cleanly-shaven face, beckoned them from the top of a flight of red marble steps. They went up; the boots of Robert clattering more than usual because he was so nervous. A door swung open, a curtain was drawn back. A double line of bowing forms in gorgeous raiment formed a lane that led to the steps of the throne, and as the children advanced hurriedly there came from the throne a voice very sweet and kind. 'Three children from the land where the sun never sets! Let them draw hither without fear.' In another minute they were kneeling at the throne's foot, saying, 'O Queen, live for ever!' exactly as the woman had taught them. And a splendid dream-lady, all gold and silver and jewels and snowy drift of veils, was raising Anthea, and saying-- 'Don't be frightened, I really am SO glad you came! The land where the sun never sets! I am delighted to see you! I was getting quite too dreadfully bored for anything!' And behind Anthea the kneeling Cyril whispered in the ears of the respectful Robert-- 'Bobs, don't say anything to Panther. It's no use upsetting her, but we didn't ask for Jane's address, and the Psammead's with her.' 'Well,' whispered Robert, 'the charm can bring them to us at any moment. IT said so.' 'Oh, yes,' whispered Cyril, in miserable derision, 'WE'RE all right, of course. So we are! Oh, yes! If we'd only GOT the charm.' Then Robert saw, and he murmured, 'Crikey!' at the foot of the throne of Babylon; while Cyril hoarsely whispered the plain English fact-- 'Jane's got the charm round her neck, you silly cuckoo.' 'Crikey!' Robert repeated in heart-broken undertones. CHAPTER 7. 'THE DEEPEST DUNGEON BELOW THE CASTLE MOAT' The Queen threw three of the red and gold embroidered cushions off the throne on to the marble steps that led up to it. 'Just make yourselves comfortable there,' she said. 'I'm simply dying to talk to you, and to hear all about your wonderful country and how you got here, and everything, but I have to do justice every morning. Such a bore, isn't it? Do you do justice in your own country?' 'No, said Cyril; 'at least of course we try to, but not in this public sort of way, only in private.' 'Ah, yes,' said the Queen, 'I should much prefer a private audience myself--much easier to manage. But public opinion has to be considered. Doing justice is very hard work, even when you're brought up to it.' 'We don't do justice, but we have to do scales, Jane and me,' said Anthea, 'twenty minutes a day. It's simply horrid.' 'What are scales?' asked the Queen, 'and what is Jane?' 'Jane is my little sister. One of the guards-at-the-gate's wife is taking care of her. And scales are music.' 'I never heard of the instrument,' said the Queen. 'Do you sing?' 'Oh, yes. We can sing in parts,' said Anthea. 'That IS magic,' said the Queen. 'How many parts are you each cut into before you do it?' 'We aren't cut at all,' said Robert hastily. 'We couldn't sing if we were. We'll show you afterwards.' 'So you shall, and now sit quiet like dear children and hear me do justice. The way I do it has always been admired. I oughtn't to say that ought I? Sounds so conceited. But I don't mind with you, dears. Somehow I feel as though I'd known you quite a long time already.' The Queen settled herself on her throne and made a signal to her attendants. The children, whispering together among the cushions on the steps of the throne, decided that she was very beautiful and very kind, but perhaps just the least bit flighty. The first person who came to ask for justice was a woman whose brother had taken the money the father had left for her. The brother said it was the uncle who had the money. There was a good deal of talk and the children were growing rather bored, when the Queen suddenly clapped her hands, and said-- 'Put both the men in prison till one of them owns up that the other is innocent.' 'But suppose they both did it?' Cyril could not help interrupting. 'Then prison's the best place for them,' said the Queen. 'But suppose neither did it.' 'That's impossible,' said the Queen; 'a thing's not done unless someone does it. And you mustn't interrupt.' Then came a woman, in tears, with a torn veil and real ashes on her head--at least Anthea thought so, but it may have been only road-dust. She complained that her husband was in prison. 'What for?' said the Queen. 'They SAID it was for speaking evil of your Majesty,' said the woman, 'but it wasn't. Someone had a spite against him. That was what it was.' 'How do you know he hadn't spoken evil of me?' said the Queen. 'No one could,' said the woman simply, 'when they'd once seen your beautiful face.' 'Let the man out,' said the Queen, smiling. 'Next case.' The next case was that of a boy who had stolen a fox. 'Like the Spartan boy,' whispered Robert. But the Queen ruled that nobody could have any possible reason for owning a fox, and still less for stealing one. And she did not believe that there were any foxes in Babylon; she, at any rate, had never seen one. So the boy was released. The people came to the Queen about all sorts of family quarrels and neighbourly misunderstandings--from a fight between brothers over the division of an inheritance, to the dishonest and unfriendly conduct of a woman who had borrowed a cooking-pot at the last New Year's festival, and not returned it yet. And the Queen decided everything, very, very decidedly indeed. At last she clapped her hands quite suddenly and with extreme loudness, and said-- 'The audience is over for today.' Everyone said, 'May the Queen live for ever!' and went out. And the children were left alone in the justice-hall with the Queen of Babylon and her ladies. 'There!' said the Queen, with a long sigh of relief. 'THAT'S over! I couldn't have done another stitch of justice if you'd offered me the crown of Egypt! Now come into the garden, and we'll have a nice, long, cosy talk.' She led them through long, narrow corridors whose walls they somehow felt, were very, very thick, into a sort of garden courtyard. There were thick shrubs closely planted, and roses were trained over trellises, and made a pleasant shade--needed, indeed, for already the sun was as hot as it is in England in August at the seaside. Slaves spread cushions on a low, marble terrace, and a big man with a smooth face served cool drink in cups of gold studded with beryls. He drank a little from the Queen's cup before handing it to her. 'That's rather a nasty trick,' whispered Robert, who had been carefully taught never to drink out of one of the nice, shiny, metal cups that are chained to the London drinking fountains without first rinsing it out thoroughly. The Queen overheard him. 'Not at all,' said she. 'Ritti-Marduk is a very clean man. And one has to have SOME ONE as taster, you know, because of poison.' The word made the children feel rather creepy; but Ritti-Marduk had tasted all the cups, so they felt pretty safe. The drink was delicious--very cold, and tasting like lemonade and partly like penny ices. 'Leave us,' said the Queen. And all the Court ladies, in their beautiful, many-folded, many-coloured, fringed dresses, filed out slowly, and the children were left alone with the Queen. 'Now,' she said, 'tell me all about yourselves.' They looked at each other. 'You, Bobs,' said Cyril. 'No--Anthea,' said Robert. 'No--you--Cyril,' said Anthea. 'Don't you remember how pleased the Queen of India was when you told her all about us?' Cyril muttered that it was all very well, and so it was. For when he had told the tale of the Phoenix and the Carpet to the Ranee, it had been only the truth--and all the truth that he had to tell. But now it was not easy to tell a convincing story without mentioning the Amulet--which, of course, it wouldn't have done to mention--and without owning that they were really living in London, about 2,500 years later than the time they were talking in. Cyril took refuge in the tale of the Psammead and its wonderful power of making wishes come true. The children had never been able to tell anyone before, and Cyril was surprised to find that the spell which kept them silent in London did not work here. 'Something to do with our being in the Past, I suppose,' he said to himself. 'This is MOST interesting,' said the Queen. 'We must have this Psammead for the banquet tonight. Its performance will be one of the most popular turns in the whole programme. Where is it?' Anthea explained that they did not know; also why it was that they did not know. 'Oh, THAT'S quite simple,' said the Queen, and everyone breathed a deep sigh of relief as she said it. 'Ritti-Marduk shall run down to the gates and find out which guard your sister went home with.' 'Might he'--Anthea's voice was tremulous--'might he--would it interfere with his meal-times, or anything like that, if he went NOW?' 'Of course he shall go now. He may think himself lucky if he gets his meals at any time,' said the Queen heartily, and clapped her hands. 'May I send a letter?' asked Cyril, pulling out a red-backed penny account-book, and feeling in his pockets for a stump of pencil that he knew was in one of them. 'By all means. I'll call my scribe.' 'Oh, I can scribe right enough, thanks,' said Cyril, finding the pencil and licking its point. He even had to bite the wood a little, for it was very blunt. 'Oh, you clever, clever boy!' said the Queen. 'DO let me watch you do it!' Cyril wrote on a leaf of the book--it was of rough, woolly paper, with hairs that stuck out and would have got in his pen if he had been using one, and ruled for accounts. 'Hide IT most carefully before you come here,' he wrote, 'and don't mention it--and destroy this letter. Everything is going A1. The Queen is a fair treat. There's nothing to be afraid of.' 'What curious characters, and what a strange flat surface!' said the Queen. 'What have you inscribed?' 'I've 'scribed,' replied Cyril cautiously, 'that you are fair, and a--and like a--like a festival; and that she need not be afraid, and that she is to come at once.' Ritti-Marduk, who had come in and had stood waiting while Cyril wrote, his Babylonish eyes nearly starting out of his Babylonish head, now took the letter, with some reluctance. 'O Queen, live for ever! Is it a charm?' he timidly asked. 'A strong charm, most great lady?' 'YES,' said Robert, unexpectedly, 'it IS a charm, but it won't hurt anyone until you've given it to Jane. And then she'll destroy it, so that it CAN'T hurt anyone. It's most awful strong!--as strong as--Peppermint!' he ended abruptly. 'I know not the god,' said Ritti-Marduk, bending timorously. 'She'll tear it up directly she gets it,' said Robert, 'That'll end the charm. You needn't be afraid if you go now.' Ritti-Marduk went, seeming only partly satisfied; and then the Queen began to admire the penny account-book and the bit of pencil in so marked and significant a way that Cyril felt he could not do less than press them upon her as a gift. She ruffled the leaves delightedly. 'What a wonderful substance!' she said. 'And with this style you make charms? Make a charm for me! Do you know,' her voice sank to a whisper, 'the names of the great ones of your own far country?' 'Rather!' said Cyril, and hastily wrote the names of Alfred the Great, Shakespeare, Nelson, Gordon, Lord Beaconsfield, Mr Rudyard Kipling, and Mr Sherlock Holmes, while the Queen watched him with 'unbaited breath', as Anthea said afterwards. She took the book and hid it reverently among the bright folds of her gown. 'You shall teach me later to say the great names,' she said. 'And the names of their Ministers--perhaps the great Nisroch is one of them?' 'I don't think so,' said Cyril. 'Mr Campbell Bannerman's Prime Minister and Mr Burns a Minister, and so is the Archbishop of Canterbury, I think, but I'm not sure--and Dr Parker was one, I know, and--' 'No more,' said the Queen, putting her hands to her ears. 'My head's going round with all those great names. You shall teach them to me later--because of course you'll make us a nice long visit now you have come, won't you? Now tell me--but no, I am quite tired out with your being so clever. Besides, I'm sure you'd like ME to tell YOU something, wouldn't you?' 'Yes,' said Anthea. 'I want to know how it is that the King has gone--' 'Excuse me, but you should say "the King may-he-live-for-ever",' said the Queen gently. 'I beg your pardon,' Anthea hastened to say--'the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone to fetch home his fourteenth wife? I don't think even Bluebeard had as many as that. And, besides, he hasn't killed YOU at any rate.' The Queen looked bewildered. 'She means,' explained Robert, 'that English kings only have one wife--at least, Henry the Eighth had seven or eight, but not all at once.' 'In our country,' said the Queen scornfully, 'a king would not reign a day who had only one wife. No one would respect him, and quite right too.' 'Then are all the other thirteen alive?' asked Anthea. 'Of course they are--poor mean-spirited things! I don't associate with them, of course, I am the Queen: they're only the wives.' 'I see,' said Anthea, gasping. 'But oh, my dears,' the Queen went on, 'such a to-do as there's been about this last wife! You never did! It really was TOO funny. We wanted an Egyptian princess. The King may-he-live-for-ever has got a wife from most of the important nations, and he had set his heart on an Egyptian one to complete his collection. Well, of course, to begin with, we sent a handsome present of gold. The Egyptian king sent back some horses--quite a few; he's fearfully stingy!--and he said he liked the gold very much, but what they were really short of was lapis lazuli, so of course we sent him some. But by that time he'd begun to use the gold to cover the beams of the roof of the Temple of the Sun-God, and he hadn't nearly enough to finish the job, so we sent some more. And so it went on, oh, for years. You see each journey takes at least six months. And at last we asked the hand of his daughter in marriage.' 'Yes, and then?' said Anthea, who wanted to get to the princess part of the story. 'Well, then,' said the Queen, 'when he'd got everything out of us that he could, and only given the meanest presents in return, he sent to say he would esteem the honour of an alliance very highly, only unfortunately he hadn't any daughter, but he hoped one would be born soon, and if so, she should certainly be reserved for the King of Babylon!' 'What a trick!' said Cyril. 'Yes, wasn't it? So then we said his sister would do, and then there were more gifts and more journeys; and now at last the tiresome, black-haired thing is coming, and the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone seven days' journey to meet her at Carchemish. And he's gone in his best chariot, the one inlaid with lapis lazuli and gold, with the gold-plated wheels and onyx-studded hubs--much too great an honour in my opinion. She'll be here tonight; there'll be a grand banquet to celebrate her arrival. SHE won't be present, of course. She'll be having her baths and her anointings, and all that sort of thing. We always clean our foreign brides very carefully. It takes two or three weeks. Now it's dinnertime, and you shall eat with me, for I can see that you are of high rank.' She led them into a dark, cool hall, with many cushions on the floor. On these they sat and low tables were brought--beautiful tables of smooth, blue stone mounted in gold. On these, golden trays were placed; but there were no knives, or forks, or spoons. The children expected the Queen to call for them; but no. She just ate with her fingers, and as the first dish was a great tray of boiled corn, and meat and raisins all mixed up together, and melted fat poured all over the tray, it was found difficult to follow her example with anything like what we are used to think of as good table manners. There were stewed quinces afterwards, and dates in syrup, and thick yellowy cream. It was the kind of dinner you hardly ever get in Fitzroy Street. After dinner everybody went to sleep, even the children. The Queen awoke with a start. 'Good gracious!' she cried, 'what a time we've slept! I must rush off and dress for the banquet. I shan't have much more than time.' 'Hasn't Ritti-Marduk got back with our sister and the Psammead yet?' Anthea asked. 'I QUITE forgot to ask. I'm sorry,' said the Queen. 'And of course they wouldn't announce her unless I told them to, except during justice hours. I expect she's waiting outside. I'll see.' Ritti-Marduk came in a moment later. 'I regret,' he said, 'that I have been unable to find your sister. The beast she bears with her in a basket has bitten the child of the guard, and your sister and the beast set out to come to you. The police say they have a clue. No doubt we shall have news of her in a few weeks.' He bowed and withdrew. The horror of this threefold loss--Jane, the Psammead, and the Amulet--gave the children something to talk about while the Queen was dressing. I shall not report their conversation; it was very gloomy. Everyone repeated himself several times, and the discussion ended in each of them blaming the other two for having let Jane go. You know the sort of talk it was, don't you? At last Cyril said-- 'After all, she's with the Psammead, so SHE'S all right. The Psammead is jolly careful of itself too. And it isn't as if we were in any danger. Let's try to buck up and enjoy the banquet.' They did enjoy the banquet. They had a beautiful bath, which was delicious, were heavily oiled all over, including their hair, and that was most unpleasant. Then, they dressed again and were presented to the King, who was most affable. The banquet was long; there were all sorts of nice things to eat, and everybody seemed to eat and drink a good deal. Everyone lay on cushions and couches, ladies on one side and gentlemen on the other; and after the eating was done each lady went and sat by some gentleman, who seemed to be her sweetheart or her husband, for they were very affectionate to each other. The Court dresses had gold threads woven in them, very bright and beautiful. The middle of the room was left clear, and different people came and did amusing things. There were conjurers and jugglers and snake-charmers, which last Anthea did not like at all. When it got dark torches were lighted. Cedar splinters dipped in oil blazed in copper dishes set high on poles. Then there was a dancer, who hardly danced at all, only just struck attitudes. She had hardly any clothes, and was not at all pretty. The children were rather bored by her, but everyone else was delighted, including the King. 'By the beard of Nimrod!' he cried, 'ask what you like girl, and you shall have it!' 'I want nothing,' said the dancer; 'the honour of having pleased the King may-he-live-for-ever is reward enough for me.' And the King was so pleased with this modest and sensible reply that he gave her the gold collar off his own neck. 'I say!' said Cyril, awed by the magnificence of the gift. 'It's all right,' whispered the Queen, 'it's not his best collar by any means. We always keep a stock of cheap jewellery for these occasions. And now--you promised to sing us something. Would you like my minstrels to accompany you?' 'No, thank you,' said Anthea quickly. The minstrels had been playing off and on all the time, and their music reminded Anthea of the band she and the others had once had on the fifth of November--with penny horns, a tin whistle, a tea-tray, the tongs, a policeman's rattle, and a toy drum. They had enjoyed this band very much at the time. But it was quite different when someone else was making the same kind of music. Anthea understood now that Father had not been really heartless and unreasonable when he had told them to stop that infuriating din. 'What shall we sing?' Cyril was asking. 'Sweet and low?' suggested Anthea. 'Too soft--I vote for "Who will o'er the downs". Now then--one, two, three. 'Oh, who will o'er the downs so free, Oh, who will with me ride, Oh, who will up and follow me, To win a blooming bride? Her father he has locked the door, Her mother keeps the key; But neither bolt nor bar shall keep My own true love from me.' Jane, the alto, was missing, and Robert, unlike the mother of the lady in the song, never could 'keep the key', but the song, even so, was sufficiently unlike anything any of them had ever heard to rouse the Babylonian Court to the wildest enthusiasm. 'More, more,' cried the King; 'by my beard, this savage music is a new thing. Sing again!' So they sang: 'I saw her bower at twilight gray, 'Twas guarded safe and sure. I saw her bower at break of day, 'Twas guarded then no more. The varlets they were all asleep, And there was none to see The greeting fair that passed there Between my love and me.' Shouts of applause greeted the ending of the verse, and the King would not be satisfied till they had sung all their part-songs (they only knew three) twice over, and ended up with 'Men of Harlech' in unison. Then the King stood up in his royal robes with his high, narrow crown on his head and shouted-- 'By the beak of Nisroch, ask what you will, strangers from the land where the sun never sets!' 'We ought to say it's enough honour, like the dancer did,' whispered Anthea. 'No, let's ask for IT,' said Robert. 'No, no, I'm sure the other's manners,' said Anthea. But Robert, who was excited by the music, and the flaring torches, and the applause and the opportunity, spoke up before the others could stop him. 'Give us the half of the Amulet that has on it the name UR HEKAU SETCHEH,' he said, adding as an afterthought, 'O King, live-for-ever.' As he spoke the great name those in the pillared hall fell on their faces, and lay still. All but the Queen who crouched amid her cushions with her head in her hands, and the King, who stood upright, perfectly still, like the statue of a king in stone. It was only for a moment though. Then his great voice thundered out-- 'Guard, seize them!' Instantly, from nowhere as it seemed, sprang eight soldiers in bright armour inlaid with gold, and tunics of red and white. Very splendid they were, and very alarming. 'Impious and sacrilegious wretches!' shouted the King. 'To the dungeons with them! We will find a way, tomorrow, to make them speak. For without doubt they can tell us where to find the lost half of It.' A wall of scarlet and white and steel and gold closed up round the children and hurried them away among the many pillars of the great hall. As they went they heard the voices of the courtiers loud in horror. 'You've done it this time,' said Cyril with extreme bitterness. 'Oh, it will come right. It MUST. It always does,' said Anthea desperately. They could not see where they were going, because the guard surrounded them so closely, but the ground under their feet, smooth marble at first, grew rougher like stone, then it was loose earth and sand, and they felt the night air. Then there was more stone, and steps down. 'It's my belief we really ARE going to the deepest dungeon below the castle moat this time,' said Cyril. And they were. At least it was not below a moat, but below the river Euphrates, which was just as bad if not worse. In a most unpleasant place it was. Dark, very, very damp, and with an odd, musty smell rather like the shells of oysters. There was a torch--that is to say, a copper basket on a high stick with oiled wood burning in it. By its light the children saw that the walls were green, and that trickles of water ran down them and dripped from the roof. There were things on the floor that looked like newts, and in the dark corners creepy, shiny things moved sluggishly, uneasily, horribly. Robert's heart sank right into those really reliable boots of his. Anthea and Cyril each had a private struggle with that inside disagreeableness which is part of all of us, and which is sometimes called the Old Adam--and both were victors. Neither of them said to Robert (and both tried hard not even to think it), 'This is YOUR doing.' Anthea had the additional temptation to add, 'I told you so.' And she resisted it successfully. 'Sacrilege, and impious cheek,' said the captain of the guard to the gaoler. 'To be kept during the King's pleasure. I expect he means to get some pleasure out of them tomorrow! He'll tickle them up!' 'Poor little kids,' said the gaoler. 'Oh, yes,' said the captain. 'I've got kids of my own too. But it doesn't do to let domestic sentiment interfere with one's public duties. Good night.' The soldiers tramped heavily off in their white and red and steel and gold. The gaoler, with a bunch of big keys in his hand, stood looking pityingly at the children. He shook his head twice and went out. 'Courage!' said Anthea. 'I know it will be all right. It's only a dream REALLY, you know. It MUST be! I don't believe about time being only a something or other of thought. It IS a dream, and we're bound to wake up all right and safe.' 'Humph,' said Cyril bitterly. And Robert suddenly said-- 'It's all my doing. If it really IS all up do please not keep a down on me about it, and tell Father--Oh, I forgot.' What he had forgotten was that his father was 3,000 miles and 5,000 or more years away from him. 'All right, Bobs, old man,' said Cyril; and Anthea got hold of Robert's hand and squeezed it. Then the gaoler came back with a platter of hard, flat cakes made of coarse grain, very different from the cream-and-juicy-date feasts of the palace; also a pitcher of water. 'There,' he said. 'Oh, thank you so very much. You ARE kind,' said Anthea feverishly. 'Go to sleep,' said the gaoler, pointing to a heap of straw in a corner; 'tomorrow comes soon enough.' 'Oh, dear Mr Gaoler,' said Anthea, 'whatever will they do to us tomorrow?' 'They'll try to make you tell things,' said the gaoler grimly, 'and my advice is if you've nothing to tell, make up something. Then perhaps they'll sell you to the Northern nations. Regular savages THEY are. Good night.' 'Good night,' said three trembling voices, which their owners strove in vain to render firm. Then he went out, and the three were left alone in the damp, dim vault. 'I know the light won't last long,' said Cyril, looking at the flickering brazier. 'Is it any good, do you think, calling on the name when we haven't got the charm?' suggested Anthea. 'I shouldn't think so. But we might try.' So they tried. But the blank silence of the damp dungeon remained unchanged. 'What was the name the Queen said?' asked Cyril suddenly. 'Nisbeth--Nesbit--something? You know, the slave of the great names?' 'Wait a sec,' said Robert, 'though I | prison | How many times the word 'prison' appears in the text? | 3 |
woman and said, 'You'll take me home with you, won't you? And let me play with your little girls till the others have done with the Queen.' 'Surely I will, little heart!' said the woman. And then Anthea hurriedly stroked the Psammead and embraced Jane, who took the woman's hand, and trotted contentedly away with the Psammead's bag under the other arm. The others stood looking after her till she, the woman, and the basket were lost in the many-coloured crowd. Then Anthea turned once more to the palace's magnificent doorway and said-- 'Let's ask the porter to take care of our Babylonian overcoats.' So they took off the garments that the woman had lent them and stood amid the jostling petitioners of the Queen in their own English frocks and coats and hats and boots. 'We want to see the Queen,' said Cyril; 'we come from the far Empire where the sun never sets!' A murmur of surprise and a thrill of excitement ran through the crowd. The door-porter spoke to a black man, he spoke to someone else. There was a whispering, waiting pause. Then a big man, with a cleanly-shaven face, beckoned them from the top of a flight of red marble steps. They went up; the boots of Robert clattering more than usual because he was so nervous. A door swung open, a curtain was drawn back. A double line of bowing forms in gorgeous raiment formed a lane that led to the steps of the throne, and as the children advanced hurriedly there came from the throne a voice very sweet and kind. 'Three children from the land where the sun never sets! Let them draw hither without fear.' In another minute they were kneeling at the throne's foot, saying, 'O Queen, live for ever!' exactly as the woman had taught them. And a splendid dream-lady, all gold and silver and jewels and snowy drift of veils, was raising Anthea, and saying-- 'Don't be frightened, I really am SO glad you came! The land where the sun never sets! I am delighted to see you! I was getting quite too dreadfully bored for anything!' And behind Anthea the kneeling Cyril whispered in the ears of the respectful Robert-- 'Bobs, don't say anything to Panther. It's no use upsetting her, but we didn't ask for Jane's address, and the Psammead's with her.' 'Well,' whispered Robert, 'the charm can bring them to us at any moment. IT said so.' 'Oh, yes,' whispered Cyril, in miserable derision, 'WE'RE all right, of course. So we are! Oh, yes! If we'd only GOT the charm.' Then Robert saw, and he murmured, 'Crikey!' at the foot of the throne of Babylon; while Cyril hoarsely whispered the plain English fact-- 'Jane's got the charm round her neck, you silly cuckoo.' 'Crikey!' Robert repeated in heart-broken undertones. CHAPTER 7. 'THE DEEPEST DUNGEON BELOW THE CASTLE MOAT' The Queen threw three of the red and gold embroidered cushions off the throne on to the marble steps that led up to it. 'Just make yourselves comfortable there,' she said. 'I'm simply dying to talk to you, and to hear all about your wonderful country and how you got here, and everything, but I have to do justice every morning. Such a bore, isn't it? Do you do justice in your own country?' 'No, said Cyril; 'at least of course we try to, but not in this public sort of way, only in private.' 'Ah, yes,' said the Queen, 'I should much prefer a private audience myself--much easier to manage. But public opinion has to be considered. Doing justice is very hard work, even when you're brought up to it.' 'We don't do justice, but we have to do scales, Jane and me,' said Anthea, 'twenty minutes a day. It's simply horrid.' 'What are scales?' asked the Queen, 'and what is Jane?' 'Jane is my little sister. One of the guards-at-the-gate's wife is taking care of her. And scales are music.' 'I never heard of the instrument,' said the Queen. 'Do you sing?' 'Oh, yes. We can sing in parts,' said Anthea. 'That IS magic,' said the Queen. 'How many parts are you each cut into before you do it?' 'We aren't cut at all,' said Robert hastily. 'We couldn't sing if we were. We'll show you afterwards.' 'So you shall, and now sit quiet like dear children and hear me do justice. The way I do it has always been admired. I oughtn't to say that ought I? Sounds so conceited. But I don't mind with you, dears. Somehow I feel as though I'd known you quite a long time already.' The Queen settled herself on her throne and made a signal to her attendants. The children, whispering together among the cushions on the steps of the throne, decided that she was very beautiful and very kind, but perhaps just the least bit flighty. The first person who came to ask for justice was a woman whose brother had taken the money the father had left for her. The brother said it was the uncle who had the money. There was a good deal of talk and the children were growing rather bored, when the Queen suddenly clapped her hands, and said-- 'Put both the men in prison till one of them owns up that the other is innocent.' 'But suppose they both did it?' Cyril could not help interrupting. 'Then prison's the best place for them,' said the Queen. 'But suppose neither did it.' 'That's impossible,' said the Queen; 'a thing's not done unless someone does it. And you mustn't interrupt.' Then came a woman, in tears, with a torn veil and real ashes on her head--at least Anthea thought so, but it may have been only road-dust. She complained that her husband was in prison. 'What for?' said the Queen. 'They SAID it was for speaking evil of your Majesty,' said the woman, 'but it wasn't. Someone had a spite against him. That was what it was.' 'How do you know he hadn't spoken evil of me?' said the Queen. 'No one could,' said the woman simply, 'when they'd once seen your beautiful face.' 'Let the man out,' said the Queen, smiling. 'Next case.' The next case was that of a boy who had stolen a fox. 'Like the Spartan boy,' whispered Robert. But the Queen ruled that nobody could have any possible reason for owning a fox, and still less for stealing one. And she did not believe that there were any foxes in Babylon; she, at any rate, had never seen one. So the boy was released. The people came to the Queen about all sorts of family quarrels and neighbourly misunderstandings--from a fight between brothers over the division of an inheritance, to the dishonest and unfriendly conduct of a woman who had borrowed a cooking-pot at the last New Year's festival, and not returned it yet. And the Queen decided everything, very, very decidedly indeed. At last she clapped her hands quite suddenly and with extreme loudness, and said-- 'The audience is over for today.' Everyone said, 'May the Queen live for ever!' and went out. And the children were left alone in the justice-hall with the Queen of Babylon and her ladies. 'There!' said the Queen, with a long sigh of relief. 'THAT'S over! I couldn't have done another stitch of justice if you'd offered me the crown of Egypt! Now come into the garden, and we'll have a nice, long, cosy talk.' She led them through long, narrow corridors whose walls they somehow felt, were very, very thick, into a sort of garden courtyard. There were thick shrubs closely planted, and roses were trained over trellises, and made a pleasant shade--needed, indeed, for already the sun was as hot as it is in England in August at the seaside. Slaves spread cushions on a low, marble terrace, and a big man with a smooth face served cool drink in cups of gold studded with beryls. He drank a little from the Queen's cup before handing it to her. 'That's rather a nasty trick,' whispered Robert, who had been carefully taught never to drink out of one of the nice, shiny, metal cups that are chained to the London drinking fountains without first rinsing it out thoroughly. The Queen overheard him. 'Not at all,' said she. 'Ritti-Marduk is a very clean man. And one has to have SOME ONE as taster, you know, because of poison.' The word made the children feel rather creepy; but Ritti-Marduk had tasted all the cups, so they felt pretty safe. The drink was delicious--very cold, and tasting like lemonade and partly like penny ices. 'Leave us,' said the Queen. And all the Court ladies, in their beautiful, many-folded, many-coloured, fringed dresses, filed out slowly, and the children were left alone with the Queen. 'Now,' she said, 'tell me all about yourselves.' They looked at each other. 'You, Bobs,' said Cyril. 'No--Anthea,' said Robert. 'No--you--Cyril,' said Anthea. 'Don't you remember how pleased the Queen of India was when you told her all about us?' Cyril muttered that it was all very well, and so it was. For when he had told the tale of the Phoenix and the Carpet to the Ranee, it had been only the truth--and all the truth that he had to tell. But now it was not easy to tell a convincing story without mentioning the Amulet--which, of course, it wouldn't have done to mention--and without owning that they were really living in London, about 2,500 years later than the time they were talking in. Cyril took refuge in the tale of the Psammead and its wonderful power of making wishes come true. The children had never been able to tell anyone before, and Cyril was surprised to find that the spell which kept them silent in London did not work here. 'Something to do with our being in the Past, I suppose,' he said to himself. 'This is MOST interesting,' said the Queen. 'We must have this Psammead for the banquet tonight. Its performance will be one of the most popular turns in the whole programme. Where is it?' Anthea explained that they did not know; also why it was that they did not know. 'Oh, THAT'S quite simple,' said the Queen, and everyone breathed a deep sigh of relief as she said it. 'Ritti-Marduk shall run down to the gates and find out which guard your sister went home with.' 'Might he'--Anthea's voice was tremulous--'might he--would it interfere with his meal-times, or anything like that, if he went NOW?' 'Of course he shall go now. He may think himself lucky if he gets his meals at any time,' said the Queen heartily, and clapped her hands. 'May I send a letter?' asked Cyril, pulling out a red-backed penny account-book, and feeling in his pockets for a stump of pencil that he knew was in one of them. 'By all means. I'll call my scribe.' 'Oh, I can scribe right enough, thanks,' said Cyril, finding the pencil and licking its point. He even had to bite the wood a little, for it was very blunt. 'Oh, you clever, clever boy!' said the Queen. 'DO let me watch you do it!' Cyril wrote on a leaf of the book--it was of rough, woolly paper, with hairs that stuck out and would have got in his pen if he had been using one, and ruled for accounts. 'Hide IT most carefully before you come here,' he wrote, 'and don't mention it--and destroy this letter. Everything is going A1. The Queen is a fair treat. There's nothing to be afraid of.' 'What curious characters, and what a strange flat surface!' said the Queen. 'What have you inscribed?' 'I've 'scribed,' replied Cyril cautiously, 'that you are fair, and a--and like a--like a festival; and that she need not be afraid, and that she is to come at once.' Ritti-Marduk, who had come in and had stood waiting while Cyril wrote, his Babylonish eyes nearly starting out of his Babylonish head, now took the letter, with some reluctance. 'O Queen, live for ever! Is it a charm?' he timidly asked. 'A strong charm, most great lady?' 'YES,' said Robert, unexpectedly, 'it IS a charm, but it won't hurt anyone until you've given it to Jane. And then she'll destroy it, so that it CAN'T hurt anyone. It's most awful strong!--as strong as--Peppermint!' he ended abruptly. 'I know not the god,' said Ritti-Marduk, bending timorously. 'She'll tear it up directly she gets it,' said Robert, 'That'll end the charm. You needn't be afraid if you go now.' Ritti-Marduk went, seeming only partly satisfied; and then the Queen began to admire the penny account-book and the bit of pencil in so marked and significant a way that Cyril felt he could not do less than press them upon her as a gift. She ruffled the leaves delightedly. 'What a wonderful substance!' she said. 'And with this style you make charms? Make a charm for me! Do you know,' her voice sank to a whisper, 'the names of the great ones of your own far country?' 'Rather!' said Cyril, and hastily wrote the names of Alfred the Great, Shakespeare, Nelson, Gordon, Lord Beaconsfield, Mr Rudyard Kipling, and Mr Sherlock Holmes, while the Queen watched him with 'unbaited breath', as Anthea said afterwards. She took the book and hid it reverently among the bright folds of her gown. 'You shall teach me later to say the great names,' she said. 'And the names of their Ministers--perhaps the great Nisroch is one of them?' 'I don't think so,' said Cyril. 'Mr Campbell Bannerman's Prime Minister and Mr Burns a Minister, and so is the Archbishop of Canterbury, I think, but I'm not sure--and Dr Parker was one, I know, and--' 'No more,' said the Queen, putting her hands to her ears. 'My head's going round with all those great names. You shall teach them to me later--because of course you'll make us a nice long visit now you have come, won't you? Now tell me--but no, I am quite tired out with your being so clever. Besides, I'm sure you'd like ME to tell YOU something, wouldn't you?' 'Yes,' said Anthea. 'I want to know how it is that the King has gone--' 'Excuse me, but you should say "the King may-he-live-for-ever",' said the Queen gently. 'I beg your pardon,' Anthea hastened to say--'the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone to fetch home his fourteenth wife? I don't think even Bluebeard had as many as that. And, besides, he hasn't killed YOU at any rate.' The Queen looked bewildered. 'She means,' explained Robert, 'that English kings only have one wife--at least, Henry the Eighth had seven or eight, but not all at once.' 'In our country,' said the Queen scornfully, 'a king would not reign a day who had only one wife. No one would respect him, and quite right too.' 'Then are all the other thirteen alive?' asked Anthea. 'Of course they are--poor mean-spirited things! I don't associate with them, of course, I am the Queen: they're only the wives.' 'I see,' said Anthea, gasping. 'But oh, my dears,' the Queen went on, 'such a to-do as there's been about this last wife! You never did! It really was TOO funny. We wanted an Egyptian princess. The King may-he-live-for-ever has got a wife from most of the important nations, and he had set his heart on an Egyptian one to complete his collection. Well, of course, to begin with, we sent a handsome present of gold. The Egyptian king sent back some horses--quite a few; he's fearfully stingy!--and he said he liked the gold very much, but what they were really short of was lapis lazuli, so of course we sent him some. But by that time he'd begun to use the gold to cover the beams of the roof of the Temple of the Sun-God, and he hadn't nearly enough to finish the job, so we sent some more. And so it went on, oh, for years. You see each journey takes at least six months. And at last we asked the hand of his daughter in marriage.' 'Yes, and then?' said Anthea, who wanted to get to the princess part of the story. 'Well, then,' said the Queen, 'when he'd got everything out of us that he could, and only given the meanest presents in return, he sent to say he would esteem the honour of an alliance very highly, only unfortunately he hadn't any daughter, but he hoped one would be born soon, and if so, she should certainly be reserved for the King of Babylon!' 'What a trick!' said Cyril. 'Yes, wasn't it? So then we said his sister would do, and then there were more gifts and more journeys; and now at last the tiresome, black-haired thing is coming, and the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone seven days' journey to meet her at Carchemish. And he's gone in his best chariot, the one inlaid with lapis lazuli and gold, with the gold-plated wheels and onyx-studded hubs--much too great an honour in my opinion. She'll be here tonight; there'll be a grand banquet to celebrate her arrival. SHE won't be present, of course. She'll be having her baths and her anointings, and all that sort of thing. We always clean our foreign brides very carefully. It takes two or three weeks. Now it's dinnertime, and you shall eat with me, for I can see that you are of high rank.' She led them into a dark, cool hall, with many cushions on the floor. On these they sat and low tables were brought--beautiful tables of smooth, blue stone mounted in gold. On these, golden trays were placed; but there were no knives, or forks, or spoons. The children expected the Queen to call for them; but no. She just ate with her fingers, and as the first dish was a great tray of boiled corn, and meat and raisins all mixed up together, and melted fat poured all over the tray, it was found difficult to follow her example with anything like what we are used to think of as good table manners. There were stewed quinces afterwards, and dates in syrup, and thick yellowy cream. It was the kind of dinner you hardly ever get in Fitzroy Street. After dinner everybody went to sleep, even the children. The Queen awoke with a start. 'Good gracious!' she cried, 'what a time we've slept! I must rush off and dress for the banquet. I shan't have much more than time.' 'Hasn't Ritti-Marduk got back with our sister and the Psammead yet?' Anthea asked. 'I QUITE forgot to ask. I'm sorry,' said the Queen. 'And of course they wouldn't announce her unless I told them to, except during justice hours. I expect she's waiting outside. I'll see.' Ritti-Marduk came in a moment later. 'I regret,' he said, 'that I have been unable to find your sister. The beast she bears with her in a basket has bitten the child of the guard, and your sister and the beast set out to come to you. The police say they have a clue. No doubt we shall have news of her in a few weeks.' He bowed and withdrew. The horror of this threefold loss--Jane, the Psammead, and the Amulet--gave the children something to talk about while the Queen was dressing. I shall not report their conversation; it was very gloomy. Everyone repeated himself several times, and the discussion ended in each of them blaming the other two for having let Jane go. You know the sort of talk it was, don't you? At last Cyril said-- 'After all, she's with the Psammead, so SHE'S all right. The Psammead is jolly careful of itself too. And it isn't as if we were in any danger. Let's try to buck up and enjoy the banquet.' They did enjoy the banquet. They had a beautiful bath, which was delicious, were heavily oiled all over, including their hair, and that was most unpleasant. Then, they dressed again and were presented to the King, who was most affable. The banquet was long; there were all sorts of nice things to eat, and everybody seemed to eat and drink a good deal. Everyone lay on cushions and couches, ladies on one side and gentlemen on the other; and after the eating was done each lady went and sat by some gentleman, who seemed to be her sweetheart or her husband, for they were very affectionate to each other. The Court dresses had gold threads woven in them, very bright and beautiful. The middle of the room was left clear, and different people came and did amusing things. There were conjurers and jugglers and snake-charmers, which last Anthea did not like at all. When it got dark torches were lighted. Cedar splinters dipped in oil blazed in copper dishes set high on poles. Then there was a dancer, who hardly danced at all, only just struck attitudes. She had hardly any clothes, and was not at all pretty. The children were rather bored by her, but everyone else was delighted, including the King. 'By the beard of Nimrod!' he cried, 'ask what you like girl, and you shall have it!' 'I want nothing,' said the dancer; 'the honour of having pleased the King may-he-live-for-ever is reward enough for me.' And the King was so pleased with this modest and sensible reply that he gave her the gold collar off his own neck. 'I say!' said Cyril, awed by the magnificence of the gift. 'It's all right,' whispered the Queen, 'it's not his best collar by any means. We always keep a stock of cheap jewellery for these occasions. And now--you promised to sing us something. Would you like my minstrels to accompany you?' 'No, thank you,' said Anthea quickly. The minstrels had been playing off and on all the time, and their music reminded Anthea of the band she and the others had once had on the fifth of November--with penny horns, a tin whistle, a tea-tray, the tongs, a policeman's rattle, and a toy drum. They had enjoyed this band very much at the time. But it was quite different when someone else was making the same kind of music. Anthea understood now that Father had not been really heartless and unreasonable when he had told them to stop that infuriating din. 'What shall we sing?' Cyril was asking. 'Sweet and low?' suggested Anthea. 'Too soft--I vote for "Who will o'er the downs". Now then--one, two, three. 'Oh, who will o'er the downs so free, Oh, who will with me ride, Oh, who will up and follow me, To win a blooming bride? Her father he has locked the door, Her mother keeps the key; But neither bolt nor bar shall keep My own true love from me.' Jane, the alto, was missing, and Robert, unlike the mother of the lady in the song, never could 'keep the key', but the song, even so, was sufficiently unlike anything any of them had ever heard to rouse the Babylonian Court to the wildest enthusiasm. 'More, more,' cried the King; 'by my beard, this savage music is a new thing. Sing again!' So they sang: 'I saw her bower at twilight gray, 'Twas guarded safe and sure. I saw her bower at break of day, 'Twas guarded then no more. The varlets they were all asleep, And there was none to see The greeting fair that passed there Between my love and me.' Shouts of applause greeted the ending of the verse, and the King would not be satisfied till they had sung all their part-songs (they only knew three) twice over, and ended up with 'Men of Harlech' in unison. Then the King stood up in his royal robes with his high, narrow crown on his head and shouted-- 'By the beak of Nisroch, ask what you will, strangers from the land where the sun never sets!' 'We ought to say it's enough honour, like the dancer did,' whispered Anthea. 'No, let's ask for IT,' said Robert. 'No, no, I'm sure the other's manners,' said Anthea. But Robert, who was excited by the music, and the flaring torches, and the applause and the opportunity, spoke up before the others could stop him. 'Give us the half of the Amulet that has on it the name UR HEKAU SETCHEH,' he said, adding as an afterthought, 'O King, live-for-ever.' As he spoke the great name those in the pillared hall fell on their faces, and lay still. All but the Queen who crouched amid her cushions with her head in her hands, and the King, who stood upright, perfectly still, like the statue of a king in stone. It was only for a moment though. Then his great voice thundered out-- 'Guard, seize them!' Instantly, from nowhere as it seemed, sprang eight soldiers in bright armour inlaid with gold, and tunics of red and white. Very splendid they were, and very alarming. 'Impious and sacrilegious wretches!' shouted the King. 'To the dungeons with them! We will find a way, tomorrow, to make them speak. For without doubt they can tell us where to find the lost half of It.' A wall of scarlet and white and steel and gold closed up round the children and hurried them away among the many pillars of the great hall. As they went they heard the voices of the courtiers loud in horror. 'You've done it this time,' said Cyril with extreme bitterness. 'Oh, it will come right. It MUST. It always does,' said Anthea desperately. They could not see where they were going, because the guard surrounded them so closely, but the ground under their feet, smooth marble at first, grew rougher like stone, then it was loose earth and sand, and they felt the night air. Then there was more stone, and steps down. 'It's my belief we really ARE going to the deepest dungeon below the castle moat this time,' said Cyril. And they were. At least it was not below a moat, but below the river Euphrates, which was just as bad if not worse. In a most unpleasant place it was. Dark, very, very damp, and with an odd, musty smell rather like the shells of oysters. There was a torch--that is to say, a copper basket on a high stick with oiled wood burning in it. By its light the children saw that the walls were green, and that trickles of water ran down them and dripped from the roof. There were things on the floor that looked like newts, and in the dark corners creepy, shiny things moved sluggishly, uneasily, horribly. Robert's heart sank right into those really reliable boots of his. Anthea and Cyril each had a private struggle with that inside disagreeableness which is part of all of us, and which is sometimes called the Old Adam--and both were victors. Neither of them said to Robert (and both tried hard not even to think it), 'This is YOUR doing.' Anthea had the additional temptation to add, 'I told you so.' And she resisted it successfully. 'Sacrilege, and impious cheek,' said the captain of the guard to the gaoler. 'To be kept during the King's pleasure. I expect he means to get some pleasure out of them tomorrow! He'll tickle them up!' 'Poor little kids,' said the gaoler. 'Oh, yes,' said the captain. 'I've got kids of my own too. But it doesn't do to let domestic sentiment interfere with one's public duties. Good night.' The soldiers tramped heavily off in their white and red and steel and gold. The gaoler, with a bunch of big keys in his hand, stood looking pityingly at the children. He shook his head twice and went out. 'Courage!' said Anthea. 'I know it will be all right. It's only a dream REALLY, you know. It MUST be! I don't believe about time being only a something or other of thought. It IS a dream, and we're bound to wake up all right and safe.' 'Humph,' said Cyril bitterly. And Robert suddenly said-- 'It's all my doing. If it really IS all up do please not keep a down on me about it, and tell Father--Oh, I forgot.' What he had forgotten was that his father was 3,000 miles and 5,000 or more years away from him. 'All right, Bobs, old man,' said Cyril; and Anthea got hold of Robert's hand and squeezed it. Then the gaoler came back with a platter of hard, flat cakes made of coarse grain, very different from the cream-and-juicy-date feasts of the palace; also a pitcher of water. 'There,' he said. 'Oh, thank you so very much. You ARE kind,' said Anthea feverishly. 'Go to sleep,' said the gaoler, pointing to a heap of straw in a corner; 'tomorrow comes soon enough.' 'Oh, dear Mr Gaoler,' said Anthea, 'whatever will they do to us tomorrow?' 'They'll try to make you tell things,' said the gaoler grimly, 'and my advice is if you've nothing to tell, make up something. Then perhaps they'll sell you to the Northern nations. Regular savages THEY are. Good night.' 'Good night,' said three trembling voices, which their owners strove in vain to render firm. Then he went out, and the three were left alone in the damp, dim vault. 'I know the light won't last long,' said Cyril, looking at the flickering brazier. 'Is it any good, do you think, calling on the name when we haven't got the charm?' suggested Anthea. 'I shouldn't think so. But we might try.' So they tried. But the blank silence of the damp dungeon remained unchanged. 'What was the name the Queen said?' asked Cyril suddenly. 'Nisbeth--Nesbit--something? You know, the slave of the great names?' 'Wait a sec,' said Robert, 'though I | income | How many times the word 'income' appears in the text? | 0 |
woman and said, 'You'll take me home with you, won't you? And let me play with your little girls till the others have done with the Queen.' 'Surely I will, little heart!' said the woman. And then Anthea hurriedly stroked the Psammead and embraced Jane, who took the woman's hand, and trotted contentedly away with the Psammead's bag under the other arm. The others stood looking after her till she, the woman, and the basket were lost in the many-coloured crowd. Then Anthea turned once more to the palace's magnificent doorway and said-- 'Let's ask the porter to take care of our Babylonian overcoats.' So they took off the garments that the woman had lent them and stood amid the jostling petitioners of the Queen in their own English frocks and coats and hats and boots. 'We want to see the Queen,' said Cyril; 'we come from the far Empire where the sun never sets!' A murmur of surprise and a thrill of excitement ran through the crowd. The door-porter spoke to a black man, he spoke to someone else. There was a whispering, waiting pause. Then a big man, with a cleanly-shaven face, beckoned them from the top of a flight of red marble steps. They went up; the boots of Robert clattering more than usual because he was so nervous. A door swung open, a curtain was drawn back. A double line of bowing forms in gorgeous raiment formed a lane that led to the steps of the throne, and as the children advanced hurriedly there came from the throne a voice very sweet and kind. 'Three children from the land where the sun never sets! Let them draw hither without fear.' In another minute they were kneeling at the throne's foot, saying, 'O Queen, live for ever!' exactly as the woman had taught them. And a splendid dream-lady, all gold and silver and jewels and snowy drift of veils, was raising Anthea, and saying-- 'Don't be frightened, I really am SO glad you came! The land where the sun never sets! I am delighted to see you! I was getting quite too dreadfully bored for anything!' And behind Anthea the kneeling Cyril whispered in the ears of the respectful Robert-- 'Bobs, don't say anything to Panther. It's no use upsetting her, but we didn't ask for Jane's address, and the Psammead's with her.' 'Well,' whispered Robert, 'the charm can bring them to us at any moment. IT said so.' 'Oh, yes,' whispered Cyril, in miserable derision, 'WE'RE all right, of course. So we are! Oh, yes! If we'd only GOT the charm.' Then Robert saw, and he murmured, 'Crikey!' at the foot of the throne of Babylon; while Cyril hoarsely whispered the plain English fact-- 'Jane's got the charm round her neck, you silly cuckoo.' 'Crikey!' Robert repeated in heart-broken undertones. CHAPTER 7. 'THE DEEPEST DUNGEON BELOW THE CASTLE MOAT' The Queen threw three of the red and gold embroidered cushions off the throne on to the marble steps that led up to it. 'Just make yourselves comfortable there,' she said. 'I'm simply dying to talk to you, and to hear all about your wonderful country and how you got here, and everything, but I have to do justice every morning. Such a bore, isn't it? Do you do justice in your own country?' 'No, said Cyril; 'at least of course we try to, but not in this public sort of way, only in private.' 'Ah, yes,' said the Queen, 'I should much prefer a private audience myself--much easier to manage. But public opinion has to be considered. Doing justice is very hard work, even when you're brought up to it.' 'We don't do justice, but we have to do scales, Jane and me,' said Anthea, 'twenty minutes a day. It's simply horrid.' 'What are scales?' asked the Queen, 'and what is Jane?' 'Jane is my little sister. One of the guards-at-the-gate's wife is taking care of her. And scales are music.' 'I never heard of the instrument,' said the Queen. 'Do you sing?' 'Oh, yes. We can sing in parts,' said Anthea. 'That IS magic,' said the Queen. 'How many parts are you each cut into before you do it?' 'We aren't cut at all,' said Robert hastily. 'We couldn't sing if we were. We'll show you afterwards.' 'So you shall, and now sit quiet like dear children and hear me do justice. The way I do it has always been admired. I oughtn't to say that ought I? Sounds so conceited. But I don't mind with you, dears. Somehow I feel as though I'd known you quite a long time already.' The Queen settled herself on her throne and made a signal to her attendants. The children, whispering together among the cushions on the steps of the throne, decided that she was very beautiful and very kind, but perhaps just the least bit flighty. The first person who came to ask for justice was a woman whose brother had taken the money the father had left for her. The brother said it was the uncle who had the money. There was a good deal of talk and the children were growing rather bored, when the Queen suddenly clapped her hands, and said-- 'Put both the men in prison till one of them owns up that the other is innocent.' 'But suppose they both did it?' Cyril could not help interrupting. 'Then prison's the best place for them,' said the Queen. 'But suppose neither did it.' 'That's impossible,' said the Queen; 'a thing's not done unless someone does it. And you mustn't interrupt.' Then came a woman, in tears, with a torn veil and real ashes on her head--at least Anthea thought so, but it may have been only road-dust. She complained that her husband was in prison. 'What for?' said the Queen. 'They SAID it was for speaking evil of your Majesty,' said the woman, 'but it wasn't. Someone had a spite against him. That was what it was.' 'How do you know he hadn't spoken evil of me?' said the Queen. 'No one could,' said the woman simply, 'when they'd once seen your beautiful face.' 'Let the man out,' said the Queen, smiling. 'Next case.' The next case was that of a boy who had stolen a fox. 'Like the Spartan boy,' whispered Robert. But the Queen ruled that nobody could have any possible reason for owning a fox, and still less for stealing one. And she did not believe that there were any foxes in Babylon; she, at any rate, had never seen one. So the boy was released. The people came to the Queen about all sorts of family quarrels and neighbourly misunderstandings--from a fight between brothers over the division of an inheritance, to the dishonest and unfriendly conduct of a woman who had borrowed a cooking-pot at the last New Year's festival, and not returned it yet. And the Queen decided everything, very, very decidedly indeed. At last she clapped her hands quite suddenly and with extreme loudness, and said-- 'The audience is over for today.' Everyone said, 'May the Queen live for ever!' and went out. And the children were left alone in the justice-hall with the Queen of Babylon and her ladies. 'There!' said the Queen, with a long sigh of relief. 'THAT'S over! I couldn't have done another stitch of justice if you'd offered me the crown of Egypt! Now come into the garden, and we'll have a nice, long, cosy talk.' She led them through long, narrow corridors whose walls they somehow felt, were very, very thick, into a sort of garden courtyard. There were thick shrubs closely planted, and roses were trained over trellises, and made a pleasant shade--needed, indeed, for already the sun was as hot as it is in England in August at the seaside. Slaves spread cushions on a low, marble terrace, and a big man with a smooth face served cool drink in cups of gold studded with beryls. He drank a little from the Queen's cup before handing it to her. 'That's rather a nasty trick,' whispered Robert, who had been carefully taught never to drink out of one of the nice, shiny, metal cups that are chained to the London drinking fountains without first rinsing it out thoroughly. The Queen overheard him. 'Not at all,' said she. 'Ritti-Marduk is a very clean man. And one has to have SOME ONE as taster, you know, because of poison.' The word made the children feel rather creepy; but Ritti-Marduk had tasted all the cups, so they felt pretty safe. The drink was delicious--very cold, and tasting like lemonade and partly like penny ices. 'Leave us,' said the Queen. And all the Court ladies, in their beautiful, many-folded, many-coloured, fringed dresses, filed out slowly, and the children were left alone with the Queen. 'Now,' she said, 'tell me all about yourselves.' They looked at each other. 'You, Bobs,' said Cyril. 'No--Anthea,' said Robert. 'No--you--Cyril,' said Anthea. 'Don't you remember how pleased the Queen of India was when you told her all about us?' Cyril muttered that it was all very well, and so it was. For when he had told the tale of the Phoenix and the Carpet to the Ranee, it had been only the truth--and all the truth that he had to tell. But now it was not easy to tell a convincing story without mentioning the Amulet--which, of course, it wouldn't have done to mention--and without owning that they were really living in London, about 2,500 years later than the time they were talking in. Cyril took refuge in the tale of the Psammead and its wonderful power of making wishes come true. The children had never been able to tell anyone before, and Cyril was surprised to find that the spell which kept them silent in London did not work here. 'Something to do with our being in the Past, I suppose,' he said to himself. 'This is MOST interesting,' said the Queen. 'We must have this Psammead for the banquet tonight. Its performance will be one of the most popular turns in the whole programme. Where is it?' Anthea explained that they did not know; also why it was that they did not know. 'Oh, THAT'S quite simple,' said the Queen, and everyone breathed a deep sigh of relief as she said it. 'Ritti-Marduk shall run down to the gates and find out which guard your sister went home with.' 'Might he'--Anthea's voice was tremulous--'might he--would it interfere with his meal-times, or anything like that, if he went NOW?' 'Of course he shall go now. He may think himself lucky if he gets his meals at any time,' said the Queen heartily, and clapped her hands. 'May I send a letter?' asked Cyril, pulling out a red-backed penny account-book, and feeling in his pockets for a stump of pencil that he knew was in one of them. 'By all means. I'll call my scribe.' 'Oh, I can scribe right enough, thanks,' said Cyril, finding the pencil and licking its point. He even had to bite the wood a little, for it was very blunt. 'Oh, you clever, clever boy!' said the Queen. 'DO let me watch you do it!' Cyril wrote on a leaf of the book--it was of rough, woolly paper, with hairs that stuck out and would have got in his pen if he had been using one, and ruled for accounts. 'Hide IT most carefully before you come here,' he wrote, 'and don't mention it--and destroy this letter. Everything is going A1. The Queen is a fair treat. There's nothing to be afraid of.' 'What curious characters, and what a strange flat surface!' said the Queen. 'What have you inscribed?' 'I've 'scribed,' replied Cyril cautiously, 'that you are fair, and a--and like a--like a festival; and that she need not be afraid, and that she is to come at once.' Ritti-Marduk, who had come in and had stood waiting while Cyril wrote, his Babylonish eyes nearly starting out of his Babylonish head, now took the letter, with some reluctance. 'O Queen, live for ever! Is it a charm?' he timidly asked. 'A strong charm, most great lady?' 'YES,' said Robert, unexpectedly, 'it IS a charm, but it won't hurt anyone until you've given it to Jane. And then she'll destroy it, so that it CAN'T hurt anyone. It's most awful strong!--as strong as--Peppermint!' he ended abruptly. 'I know not the god,' said Ritti-Marduk, bending timorously. 'She'll tear it up directly she gets it,' said Robert, 'That'll end the charm. You needn't be afraid if you go now.' Ritti-Marduk went, seeming only partly satisfied; and then the Queen began to admire the penny account-book and the bit of pencil in so marked and significant a way that Cyril felt he could not do less than press them upon her as a gift. She ruffled the leaves delightedly. 'What a wonderful substance!' she said. 'And with this style you make charms? Make a charm for me! Do you know,' her voice sank to a whisper, 'the names of the great ones of your own far country?' 'Rather!' said Cyril, and hastily wrote the names of Alfred the Great, Shakespeare, Nelson, Gordon, Lord Beaconsfield, Mr Rudyard Kipling, and Mr Sherlock Holmes, while the Queen watched him with 'unbaited breath', as Anthea said afterwards. She took the book and hid it reverently among the bright folds of her gown. 'You shall teach me later to say the great names,' she said. 'And the names of their Ministers--perhaps the great Nisroch is one of them?' 'I don't think so,' said Cyril. 'Mr Campbell Bannerman's Prime Minister and Mr Burns a Minister, and so is the Archbishop of Canterbury, I think, but I'm not sure--and Dr Parker was one, I know, and--' 'No more,' said the Queen, putting her hands to her ears. 'My head's going round with all those great names. You shall teach them to me later--because of course you'll make us a nice long visit now you have come, won't you? Now tell me--but no, I am quite tired out with your being so clever. Besides, I'm sure you'd like ME to tell YOU something, wouldn't you?' 'Yes,' said Anthea. 'I want to know how it is that the King has gone--' 'Excuse me, but you should say "the King may-he-live-for-ever",' said the Queen gently. 'I beg your pardon,' Anthea hastened to say--'the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone to fetch home his fourteenth wife? I don't think even Bluebeard had as many as that. And, besides, he hasn't killed YOU at any rate.' The Queen looked bewildered. 'She means,' explained Robert, 'that English kings only have one wife--at least, Henry the Eighth had seven or eight, but not all at once.' 'In our country,' said the Queen scornfully, 'a king would not reign a day who had only one wife. No one would respect him, and quite right too.' 'Then are all the other thirteen alive?' asked Anthea. 'Of course they are--poor mean-spirited things! I don't associate with them, of course, I am the Queen: they're only the wives.' 'I see,' said Anthea, gasping. 'But oh, my dears,' the Queen went on, 'such a to-do as there's been about this last wife! You never did! It really was TOO funny. We wanted an Egyptian princess. The King may-he-live-for-ever has got a wife from most of the important nations, and he had set his heart on an Egyptian one to complete his collection. Well, of course, to begin with, we sent a handsome present of gold. The Egyptian king sent back some horses--quite a few; he's fearfully stingy!--and he said he liked the gold very much, but what they were really short of was lapis lazuli, so of course we sent him some. But by that time he'd begun to use the gold to cover the beams of the roof of the Temple of the Sun-God, and he hadn't nearly enough to finish the job, so we sent some more. And so it went on, oh, for years. You see each journey takes at least six months. And at last we asked the hand of his daughter in marriage.' 'Yes, and then?' said Anthea, who wanted to get to the princess part of the story. 'Well, then,' said the Queen, 'when he'd got everything out of us that he could, and only given the meanest presents in return, he sent to say he would esteem the honour of an alliance very highly, only unfortunately he hadn't any daughter, but he hoped one would be born soon, and if so, she should certainly be reserved for the King of Babylon!' 'What a trick!' said Cyril. 'Yes, wasn't it? So then we said his sister would do, and then there were more gifts and more journeys; and now at last the tiresome, black-haired thing is coming, and the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone seven days' journey to meet her at Carchemish. And he's gone in his best chariot, the one inlaid with lapis lazuli and gold, with the gold-plated wheels and onyx-studded hubs--much too great an honour in my opinion. She'll be here tonight; there'll be a grand banquet to celebrate her arrival. SHE won't be present, of course. She'll be having her baths and her anointings, and all that sort of thing. We always clean our foreign brides very carefully. It takes two or three weeks. Now it's dinnertime, and you shall eat with me, for I can see that you are of high rank.' She led them into a dark, cool hall, with many cushions on the floor. On these they sat and low tables were brought--beautiful tables of smooth, blue stone mounted in gold. On these, golden trays were placed; but there were no knives, or forks, or spoons. The children expected the Queen to call for them; but no. She just ate with her fingers, and as the first dish was a great tray of boiled corn, and meat and raisins all mixed up together, and melted fat poured all over the tray, it was found difficult to follow her example with anything like what we are used to think of as good table manners. There were stewed quinces afterwards, and dates in syrup, and thick yellowy cream. It was the kind of dinner you hardly ever get in Fitzroy Street. After dinner everybody went to sleep, even the children. The Queen awoke with a start. 'Good gracious!' she cried, 'what a time we've slept! I must rush off and dress for the banquet. I shan't have much more than time.' 'Hasn't Ritti-Marduk got back with our sister and the Psammead yet?' Anthea asked. 'I QUITE forgot to ask. I'm sorry,' said the Queen. 'And of course they wouldn't announce her unless I told them to, except during justice hours. I expect she's waiting outside. I'll see.' Ritti-Marduk came in a moment later. 'I regret,' he said, 'that I have been unable to find your sister. The beast she bears with her in a basket has bitten the child of the guard, and your sister and the beast set out to come to you. The police say they have a clue. No doubt we shall have news of her in a few weeks.' He bowed and withdrew. The horror of this threefold loss--Jane, the Psammead, and the Amulet--gave the children something to talk about while the Queen was dressing. I shall not report their conversation; it was very gloomy. Everyone repeated himself several times, and the discussion ended in each of them blaming the other two for having let Jane go. You know the sort of talk it was, don't you? At last Cyril said-- 'After all, she's with the Psammead, so SHE'S all right. The Psammead is jolly careful of itself too. And it isn't as if we were in any danger. Let's try to buck up and enjoy the banquet.' They did enjoy the banquet. They had a beautiful bath, which was delicious, were heavily oiled all over, including their hair, and that was most unpleasant. Then, they dressed again and were presented to the King, who was most affable. The banquet was long; there were all sorts of nice things to eat, and everybody seemed to eat and drink a good deal. Everyone lay on cushions and couches, ladies on one side and gentlemen on the other; and after the eating was done each lady went and sat by some gentleman, who seemed to be her sweetheart or her husband, for they were very affectionate to each other. The Court dresses had gold threads woven in them, very bright and beautiful. The middle of the room was left clear, and different people came and did amusing things. There were conjurers and jugglers and snake-charmers, which last Anthea did not like at all. When it got dark torches were lighted. Cedar splinters dipped in oil blazed in copper dishes set high on poles. Then there was a dancer, who hardly danced at all, only just struck attitudes. She had hardly any clothes, and was not at all pretty. The children were rather bored by her, but everyone else was delighted, including the King. 'By the beard of Nimrod!' he cried, 'ask what you like girl, and you shall have it!' 'I want nothing,' said the dancer; 'the honour of having pleased the King may-he-live-for-ever is reward enough for me.' And the King was so pleased with this modest and sensible reply that he gave her the gold collar off his own neck. 'I say!' said Cyril, awed by the magnificence of the gift. 'It's all right,' whispered the Queen, 'it's not his best collar by any means. We always keep a stock of cheap jewellery for these occasions. And now--you promised to sing us something. Would you like my minstrels to accompany you?' 'No, thank you,' said Anthea quickly. The minstrels had been playing off and on all the time, and their music reminded Anthea of the band she and the others had once had on the fifth of November--with penny horns, a tin whistle, a tea-tray, the tongs, a policeman's rattle, and a toy drum. They had enjoyed this band very much at the time. But it was quite different when someone else was making the same kind of music. Anthea understood now that Father had not been really heartless and unreasonable when he had told them to stop that infuriating din. 'What shall we sing?' Cyril was asking. 'Sweet and low?' suggested Anthea. 'Too soft--I vote for "Who will o'er the downs". Now then--one, two, three. 'Oh, who will o'er the downs so free, Oh, who will with me ride, Oh, who will up and follow me, To win a blooming bride? Her father he has locked the door, Her mother keeps the key; But neither bolt nor bar shall keep My own true love from me.' Jane, the alto, was missing, and Robert, unlike the mother of the lady in the song, never could 'keep the key', but the song, even so, was sufficiently unlike anything any of them had ever heard to rouse the Babylonian Court to the wildest enthusiasm. 'More, more,' cried the King; 'by my beard, this savage music is a new thing. Sing again!' So they sang: 'I saw her bower at twilight gray, 'Twas guarded safe and sure. I saw her bower at break of day, 'Twas guarded then no more. The varlets they were all asleep, And there was none to see The greeting fair that passed there Between my love and me.' Shouts of applause greeted the ending of the verse, and the King would not be satisfied till they had sung all their part-songs (they only knew three) twice over, and ended up with 'Men of Harlech' in unison. Then the King stood up in his royal robes with his high, narrow crown on his head and shouted-- 'By the beak of Nisroch, ask what you will, strangers from the land where the sun never sets!' 'We ought to say it's enough honour, like the dancer did,' whispered Anthea. 'No, let's ask for IT,' said Robert. 'No, no, I'm sure the other's manners,' said Anthea. But Robert, who was excited by the music, and the flaring torches, and the applause and the opportunity, spoke up before the others could stop him. 'Give us the half of the Amulet that has on it the name UR HEKAU SETCHEH,' he said, adding as an afterthought, 'O King, live-for-ever.' As he spoke the great name those in the pillared hall fell on their faces, and lay still. All but the Queen who crouched amid her cushions with her head in her hands, and the King, who stood upright, perfectly still, like the statue of a king in stone. It was only for a moment though. Then his great voice thundered out-- 'Guard, seize them!' Instantly, from nowhere as it seemed, sprang eight soldiers in bright armour inlaid with gold, and tunics of red and white. Very splendid they were, and very alarming. 'Impious and sacrilegious wretches!' shouted the King. 'To the dungeons with them! We will find a way, tomorrow, to make them speak. For without doubt they can tell us where to find the lost half of It.' A wall of scarlet and white and steel and gold closed up round the children and hurried them away among the many pillars of the great hall. As they went they heard the voices of the courtiers loud in horror. 'You've done it this time,' said Cyril with extreme bitterness. 'Oh, it will come right. It MUST. It always does,' said Anthea desperately. They could not see where they were going, because the guard surrounded them so closely, but the ground under their feet, smooth marble at first, grew rougher like stone, then it was loose earth and sand, and they felt the night air. Then there was more stone, and steps down. 'It's my belief we really ARE going to the deepest dungeon below the castle moat this time,' said Cyril. And they were. At least it was not below a moat, but below the river Euphrates, which was just as bad if not worse. In a most unpleasant place it was. Dark, very, very damp, and with an odd, musty smell rather like the shells of oysters. There was a torch--that is to say, a copper basket on a high stick with oiled wood burning in it. By its light the children saw that the walls were green, and that trickles of water ran down them and dripped from the roof. There were things on the floor that looked like newts, and in the dark corners creepy, shiny things moved sluggishly, uneasily, horribly. Robert's heart sank right into those really reliable boots of his. Anthea and Cyril each had a private struggle with that inside disagreeableness which is part of all of us, and which is sometimes called the Old Adam--and both were victors. Neither of them said to Robert (and both tried hard not even to think it), 'This is YOUR doing.' Anthea had the additional temptation to add, 'I told you so.' And she resisted it successfully. 'Sacrilege, and impious cheek,' said the captain of the guard to the gaoler. 'To be kept during the King's pleasure. I expect he means to get some pleasure out of them tomorrow! He'll tickle them up!' 'Poor little kids,' said the gaoler. 'Oh, yes,' said the captain. 'I've got kids of my own too. But it doesn't do to let domestic sentiment interfere with one's public duties. Good night.' The soldiers tramped heavily off in their white and red and steel and gold. The gaoler, with a bunch of big keys in his hand, stood looking pityingly at the children. He shook his head twice and went out. 'Courage!' said Anthea. 'I know it will be all right. It's only a dream REALLY, you know. It MUST be! I don't believe about time being only a something or other of thought. It IS a dream, and we're bound to wake up all right and safe.' 'Humph,' said Cyril bitterly. And Robert suddenly said-- 'It's all my doing. If it really IS all up do please not keep a down on me about it, and tell Father--Oh, I forgot.' What he had forgotten was that his father was 3,000 miles and 5,000 or more years away from him. 'All right, Bobs, old man,' said Cyril; and Anthea got hold of Robert's hand and squeezed it. Then the gaoler came back with a platter of hard, flat cakes made of coarse grain, very different from the cream-and-juicy-date feasts of the palace; also a pitcher of water. 'There,' he said. 'Oh, thank you so very much. You ARE kind,' said Anthea feverishly. 'Go to sleep,' said the gaoler, pointing to a heap of straw in a corner; 'tomorrow comes soon enough.' 'Oh, dear Mr Gaoler,' said Anthea, 'whatever will they do to us tomorrow?' 'They'll try to make you tell things,' said the gaoler grimly, 'and my advice is if you've nothing to tell, make up something. Then perhaps they'll sell you to the Northern nations. Regular savages THEY are. Good night.' 'Good night,' said three trembling voices, which their owners strove in vain to render firm. Then he went out, and the three were left alone in the damp, dim vault. 'I know the light won't last long,' said Cyril, looking at the flickering brazier. 'Is it any good, do you think, calling on the name when we haven't got the charm?' suggested Anthea. 'I shouldn't think so. But we might try.' So they tried. But the blank silence of the damp dungeon remained unchanged. 'What was the name the Queen said?' asked Cyril suddenly. 'Nisbeth--Nesbit--something? You know, the slave of the great names?' 'Wait a sec,' said Robert, 'though I | troubling | How many times the word 'troubling' appears in the text? | 0 |
woman and said, 'You'll take me home with you, won't you? And let me play with your little girls till the others have done with the Queen.' 'Surely I will, little heart!' said the woman. And then Anthea hurriedly stroked the Psammead and embraced Jane, who took the woman's hand, and trotted contentedly away with the Psammead's bag under the other arm. The others stood looking after her till she, the woman, and the basket were lost in the many-coloured crowd. Then Anthea turned once more to the palace's magnificent doorway and said-- 'Let's ask the porter to take care of our Babylonian overcoats.' So they took off the garments that the woman had lent them and stood amid the jostling petitioners of the Queen in their own English frocks and coats and hats and boots. 'We want to see the Queen,' said Cyril; 'we come from the far Empire where the sun never sets!' A murmur of surprise and a thrill of excitement ran through the crowd. The door-porter spoke to a black man, he spoke to someone else. There was a whispering, waiting pause. Then a big man, with a cleanly-shaven face, beckoned them from the top of a flight of red marble steps. They went up; the boots of Robert clattering more than usual because he was so nervous. A door swung open, a curtain was drawn back. A double line of bowing forms in gorgeous raiment formed a lane that led to the steps of the throne, and as the children advanced hurriedly there came from the throne a voice very sweet and kind. 'Three children from the land where the sun never sets! Let them draw hither without fear.' In another minute they were kneeling at the throne's foot, saying, 'O Queen, live for ever!' exactly as the woman had taught them. And a splendid dream-lady, all gold and silver and jewels and snowy drift of veils, was raising Anthea, and saying-- 'Don't be frightened, I really am SO glad you came! The land where the sun never sets! I am delighted to see you! I was getting quite too dreadfully bored for anything!' And behind Anthea the kneeling Cyril whispered in the ears of the respectful Robert-- 'Bobs, don't say anything to Panther. It's no use upsetting her, but we didn't ask for Jane's address, and the Psammead's with her.' 'Well,' whispered Robert, 'the charm can bring them to us at any moment. IT said so.' 'Oh, yes,' whispered Cyril, in miserable derision, 'WE'RE all right, of course. So we are! Oh, yes! If we'd only GOT the charm.' Then Robert saw, and he murmured, 'Crikey!' at the foot of the throne of Babylon; while Cyril hoarsely whispered the plain English fact-- 'Jane's got the charm round her neck, you silly cuckoo.' 'Crikey!' Robert repeated in heart-broken undertones. CHAPTER 7. 'THE DEEPEST DUNGEON BELOW THE CASTLE MOAT' The Queen threw three of the red and gold embroidered cushions off the throne on to the marble steps that led up to it. 'Just make yourselves comfortable there,' she said. 'I'm simply dying to talk to you, and to hear all about your wonderful country and how you got here, and everything, but I have to do justice every morning. Such a bore, isn't it? Do you do justice in your own country?' 'No, said Cyril; 'at least of course we try to, but not in this public sort of way, only in private.' 'Ah, yes,' said the Queen, 'I should much prefer a private audience myself--much easier to manage. But public opinion has to be considered. Doing justice is very hard work, even when you're brought up to it.' 'We don't do justice, but we have to do scales, Jane and me,' said Anthea, 'twenty minutes a day. It's simply horrid.' 'What are scales?' asked the Queen, 'and what is Jane?' 'Jane is my little sister. One of the guards-at-the-gate's wife is taking care of her. And scales are music.' 'I never heard of the instrument,' said the Queen. 'Do you sing?' 'Oh, yes. We can sing in parts,' said Anthea. 'That IS magic,' said the Queen. 'How many parts are you each cut into before you do it?' 'We aren't cut at all,' said Robert hastily. 'We couldn't sing if we were. We'll show you afterwards.' 'So you shall, and now sit quiet like dear children and hear me do justice. The way I do it has always been admired. I oughtn't to say that ought I? Sounds so conceited. But I don't mind with you, dears. Somehow I feel as though I'd known you quite a long time already.' The Queen settled herself on her throne and made a signal to her attendants. The children, whispering together among the cushions on the steps of the throne, decided that she was very beautiful and very kind, but perhaps just the least bit flighty. The first person who came to ask for justice was a woman whose brother had taken the money the father had left for her. The brother said it was the uncle who had the money. There was a good deal of talk and the children were growing rather bored, when the Queen suddenly clapped her hands, and said-- 'Put both the men in prison till one of them owns up that the other is innocent.' 'But suppose they both did it?' Cyril could not help interrupting. 'Then prison's the best place for them,' said the Queen. 'But suppose neither did it.' 'That's impossible,' said the Queen; 'a thing's not done unless someone does it. And you mustn't interrupt.' Then came a woman, in tears, with a torn veil and real ashes on her head--at least Anthea thought so, but it may have been only road-dust. She complained that her husband was in prison. 'What for?' said the Queen. 'They SAID it was for speaking evil of your Majesty,' said the woman, 'but it wasn't. Someone had a spite against him. That was what it was.' 'How do you know he hadn't spoken evil of me?' said the Queen. 'No one could,' said the woman simply, 'when they'd once seen your beautiful face.' 'Let the man out,' said the Queen, smiling. 'Next case.' The next case was that of a boy who had stolen a fox. 'Like the Spartan boy,' whispered Robert. But the Queen ruled that nobody could have any possible reason for owning a fox, and still less for stealing one. And she did not believe that there were any foxes in Babylon; she, at any rate, had never seen one. So the boy was released. The people came to the Queen about all sorts of family quarrels and neighbourly misunderstandings--from a fight between brothers over the division of an inheritance, to the dishonest and unfriendly conduct of a woman who had borrowed a cooking-pot at the last New Year's festival, and not returned it yet. And the Queen decided everything, very, very decidedly indeed. At last she clapped her hands quite suddenly and with extreme loudness, and said-- 'The audience is over for today.' Everyone said, 'May the Queen live for ever!' and went out. And the children were left alone in the justice-hall with the Queen of Babylon and her ladies. 'There!' said the Queen, with a long sigh of relief. 'THAT'S over! I couldn't have done another stitch of justice if you'd offered me the crown of Egypt! Now come into the garden, and we'll have a nice, long, cosy talk.' She led them through long, narrow corridors whose walls they somehow felt, were very, very thick, into a sort of garden courtyard. There were thick shrubs closely planted, and roses were trained over trellises, and made a pleasant shade--needed, indeed, for already the sun was as hot as it is in England in August at the seaside. Slaves spread cushions on a low, marble terrace, and a big man with a smooth face served cool drink in cups of gold studded with beryls. He drank a little from the Queen's cup before handing it to her. 'That's rather a nasty trick,' whispered Robert, who had been carefully taught never to drink out of one of the nice, shiny, metal cups that are chained to the London drinking fountains without first rinsing it out thoroughly. The Queen overheard him. 'Not at all,' said she. 'Ritti-Marduk is a very clean man. And one has to have SOME ONE as taster, you know, because of poison.' The word made the children feel rather creepy; but Ritti-Marduk had tasted all the cups, so they felt pretty safe. The drink was delicious--very cold, and tasting like lemonade and partly like penny ices. 'Leave us,' said the Queen. And all the Court ladies, in their beautiful, many-folded, many-coloured, fringed dresses, filed out slowly, and the children were left alone with the Queen. 'Now,' she said, 'tell me all about yourselves.' They looked at each other. 'You, Bobs,' said Cyril. 'No--Anthea,' said Robert. 'No--you--Cyril,' said Anthea. 'Don't you remember how pleased the Queen of India was when you told her all about us?' Cyril muttered that it was all very well, and so it was. For when he had told the tale of the Phoenix and the Carpet to the Ranee, it had been only the truth--and all the truth that he had to tell. But now it was not easy to tell a convincing story without mentioning the Amulet--which, of course, it wouldn't have done to mention--and without owning that they were really living in London, about 2,500 years later than the time they were talking in. Cyril took refuge in the tale of the Psammead and its wonderful power of making wishes come true. The children had never been able to tell anyone before, and Cyril was surprised to find that the spell which kept them silent in London did not work here. 'Something to do with our being in the Past, I suppose,' he said to himself. 'This is MOST interesting,' said the Queen. 'We must have this Psammead for the banquet tonight. Its performance will be one of the most popular turns in the whole programme. Where is it?' Anthea explained that they did not know; also why it was that they did not know. 'Oh, THAT'S quite simple,' said the Queen, and everyone breathed a deep sigh of relief as she said it. 'Ritti-Marduk shall run down to the gates and find out which guard your sister went home with.' 'Might he'--Anthea's voice was tremulous--'might he--would it interfere with his meal-times, or anything like that, if he went NOW?' 'Of course he shall go now. He may think himself lucky if he gets his meals at any time,' said the Queen heartily, and clapped her hands. 'May I send a letter?' asked Cyril, pulling out a red-backed penny account-book, and feeling in his pockets for a stump of pencil that he knew was in one of them. 'By all means. I'll call my scribe.' 'Oh, I can scribe right enough, thanks,' said Cyril, finding the pencil and licking its point. He even had to bite the wood a little, for it was very blunt. 'Oh, you clever, clever boy!' said the Queen. 'DO let me watch you do it!' Cyril wrote on a leaf of the book--it was of rough, woolly paper, with hairs that stuck out and would have got in his pen if he had been using one, and ruled for accounts. 'Hide IT most carefully before you come here,' he wrote, 'and don't mention it--and destroy this letter. Everything is going A1. The Queen is a fair treat. There's nothing to be afraid of.' 'What curious characters, and what a strange flat surface!' said the Queen. 'What have you inscribed?' 'I've 'scribed,' replied Cyril cautiously, 'that you are fair, and a--and like a--like a festival; and that she need not be afraid, and that she is to come at once.' Ritti-Marduk, who had come in and had stood waiting while Cyril wrote, his Babylonish eyes nearly starting out of his Babylonish head, now took the letter, with some reluctance. 'O Queen, live for ever! Is it a charm?' he timidly asked. 'A strong charm, most great lady?' 'YES,' said Robert, unexpectedly, 'it IS a charm, but it won't hurt anyone until you've given it to Jane. And then she'll destroy it, so that it CAN'T hurt anyone. It's most awful strong!--as strong as--Peppermint!' he ended abruptly. 'I know not the god,' said Ritti-Marduk, bending timorously. 'She'll tear it up directly she gets it,' said Robert, 'That'll end the charm. You needn't be afraid if you go now.' Ritti-Marduk went, seeming only partly satisfied; and then the Queen began to admire the penny account-book and the bit of pencil in so marked and significant a way that Cyril felt he could not do less than press them upon her as a gift. She ruffled the leaves delightedly. 'What a wonderful substance!' she said. 'And with this style you make charms? Make a charm for me! Do you know,' her voice sank to a whisper, 'the names of the great ones of your own far country?' 'Rather!' said Cyril, and hastily wrote the names of Alfred the Great, Shakespeare, Nelson, Gordon, Lord Beaconsfield, Mr Rudyard Kipling, and Mr Sherlock Holmes, while the Queen watched him with 'unbaited breath', as Anthea said afterwards. She took the book and hid it reverently among the bright folds of her gown. 'You shall teach me later to say the great names,' she said. 'And the names of their Ministers--perhaps the great Nisroch is one of them?' 'I don't think so,' said Cyril. 'Mr Campbell Bannerman's Prime Minister and Mr Burns a Minister, and so is the Archbishop of Canterbury, I think, but I'm not sure--and Dr Parker was one, I know, and--' 'No more,' said the Queen, putting her hands to her ears. 'My head's going round with all those great names. You shall teach them to me later--because of course you'll make us a nice long visit now you have come, won't you? Now tell me--but no, I am quite tired out with your being so clever. Besides, I'm sure you'd like ME to tell YOU something, wouldn't you?' 'Yes,' said Anthea. 'I want to know how it is that the King has gone--' 'Excuse me, but you should say "the King may-he-live-for-ever",' said the Queen gently. 'I beg your pardon,' Anthea hastened to say--'the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone to fetch home his fourteenth wife? I don't think even Bluebeard had as many as that. And, besides, he hasn't killed YOU at any rate.' The Queen looked bewildered. 'She means,' explained Robert, 'that English kings only have one wife--at least, Henry the Eighth had seven or eight, but not all at once.' 'In our country,' said the Queen scornfully, 'a king would not reign a day who had only one wife. No one would respect him, and quite right too.' 'Then are all the other thirteen alive?' asked Anthea. 'Of course they are--poor mean-spirited things! I don't associate with them, of course, I am the Queen: they're only the wives.' 'I see,' said Anthea, gasping. 'But oh, my dears,' the Queen went on, 'such a to-do as there's been about this last wife! You never did! It really was TOO funny. We wanted an Egyptian princess. The King may-he-live-for-ever has got a wife from most of the important nations, and he had set his heart on an Egyptian one to complete his collection. Well, of course, to begin with, we sent a handsome present of gold. The Egyptian king sent back some horses--quite a few; he's fearfully stingy!--and he said he liked the gold very much, but what they were really short of was lapis lazuli, so of course we sent him some. But by that time he'd begun to use the gold to cover the beams of the roof of the Temple of the Sun-God, and he hadn't nearly enough to finish the job, so we sent some more. And so it went on, oh, for years. You see each journey takes at least six months. And at last we asked the hand of his daughter in marriage.' 'Yes, and then?' said Anthea, who wanted to get to the princess part of the story. 'Well, then,' said the Queen, 'when he'd got everything out of us that he could, and only given the meanest presents in return, he sent to say he would esteem the honour of an alliance very highly, only unfortunately he hadn't any daughter, but he hoped one would be born soon, and if so, she should certainly be reserved for the King of Babylon!' 'What a trick!' said Cyril. 'Yes, wasn't it? So then we said his sister would do, and then there were more gifts and more journeys; and now at last the tiresome, black-haired thing is coming, and the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone seven days' journey to meet her at Carchemish. And he's gone in his best chariot, the one inlaid with lapis lazuli and gold, with the gold-plated wheels and onyx-studded hubs--much too great an honour in my opinion. She'll be here tonight; there'll be a grand banquet to celebrate her arrival. SHE won't be present, of course. She'll be having her baths and her anointings, and all that sort of thing. We always clean our foreign brides very carefully. It takes two or three weeks. Now it's dinnertime, and you shall eat with me, for I can see that you are of high rank.' She led them into a dark, cool hall, with many cushions on the floor. On these they sat and low tables were brought--beautiful tables of smooth, blue stone mounted in gold. On these, golden trays were placed; but there were no knives, or forks, or spoons. The children expected the Queen to call for them; but no. She just ate with her fingers, and as the first dish was a great tray of boiled corn, and meat and raisins all mixed up together, and melted fat poured all over the tray, it was found difficult to follow her example with anything like what we are used to think of as good table manners. There were stewed quinces afterwards, and dates in syrup, and thick yellowy cream. It was the kind of dinner you hardly ever get in Fitzroy Street. After dinner everybody went to sleep, even the children. The Queen awoke with a start. 'Good gracious!' she cried, 'what a time we've slept! I must rush off and dress for the banquet. I shan't have much more than time.' 'Hasn't Ritti-Marduk got back with our sister and the Psammead yet?' Anthea asked. 'I QUITE forgot to ask. I'm sorry,' said the Queen. 'And of course they wouldn't announce her unless I told them to, except during justice hours. I expect she's waiting outside. I'll see.' Ritti-Marduk came in a moment later. 'I regret,' he said, 'that I have been unable to find your sister. The beast she bears with her in a basket has bitten the child of the guard, and your sister and the beast set out to come to you. The police say they have a clue. No doubt we shall have news of her in a few weeks.' He bowed and withdrew. The horror of this threefold loss--Jane, the Psammead, and the Amulet--gave the children something to talk about while the Queen was dressing. I shall not report their conversation; it was very gloomy. Everyone repeated himself several times, and the discussion ended in each of them blaming the other two for having let Jane go. You know the sort of talk it was, don't you? At last Cyril said-- 'After all, she's with the Psammead, so SHE'S all right. The Psammead is jolly careful of itself too. And it isn't as if we were in any danger. Let's try to buck up and enjoy the banquet.' They did enjoy the banquet. They had a beautiful bath, which was delicious, were heavily oiled all over, including their hair, and that was most unpleasant. Then, they dressed again and were presented to the King, who was most affable. The banquet was long; there were all sorts of nice things to eat, and everybody seemed to eat and drink a good deal. Everyone lay on cushions and couches, ladies on one side and gentlemen on the other; and after the eating was done each lady went and sat by some gentleman, who seemed to be her sweetheart or her husband, for they were very affectionate to each other. The Court dresses had gold threads woven in them, very bright and beautiful. The middle of the room was left clear, and different people came and did amusing things. There were conjurers and jugglers and snake-charmers, which last Anthea did not like at all. When it got dark torches were lighted. Cedar splinters dipped in oil blazed in copper dishes set high on poles. Then there was a dancer, who hardly danced at all, only just struck attitudes. She had hardly any clothes, and was not at all pretty. The children were rather bored by her, but everyone else was delighted, including the King. 'By the beard of Nimrod!' he cried, 'ask what you like girl, and you shall have it!' 'I want nothing,' said the dancer; 'the honour of having pleased the King may-he-live-for-ever is reward enough for me.' And the King was so pleased with this modest and sensible reply that he gave her the gold collar off his own neck. 'I say!' said Cyril, awed by the magnificence of the gift. 'It's all right,' whispered the Queen, 'it's not his best collar by any means. We always keep a stock of cheap jewellery for these occasions. And now--you promised to sing us something. Would you like my minstrels to accompany you?' 'No, thank you,' said Anthea quickly. The minstrels had been playing off and on all the time, and their music reminded Anthea of the band she and the others had once had on the fifth of November--with penny horns, a tin whistle, a tea-tray, the tongs, a policeman's rattle, and a toy drum. They had enjoyed this band very much at the time. But it was quite different when someone else was making the same kind of music. Anthea understood now that Father had not been really heartless and unreasonable when he had told them to stop that infuriating din. 'What shall we sing?' Cyril was asking. 'Sweet and low?' suggested Anthea. 'Too soft--I vote for "Who will o'er the downs". Now then--one, two, three. 'Oh, who will o'er the downs so free, Oh, who will with me ride, Oh, who will up and follow me, To win a blooming bride? Her father he has locked the door, Her mother keeps the key; But neither bolt nor bar shall keep My own true love from me.' Jane, the alto, was missing, and Robert, unlike the mother of the lady in the song, never could 'keep the key', but the song, even so, was sufficiently unlike anything any of them had ever heard to rouse the Babylonian Court to the wildest enthusiasm. 'More, more,' cried the King; 'by my beard, this savage music is a new thing. Sing again!' So they sang: 'I saw her bower at twilight gray, 'Twas guarded safe and sure. I saw her bower at break of day, 'Twas guarded then no more. The varlets they were all asleep, And there was none to see The greeting fair that passed there Between my love and me.' Shouts of applause greeted the ending of the verse, and the King would not be satisfied till they had sung all their part-songs (they only knew three) twice over, and ended up with 'Men of Harlech' in unison. Then the King stood up in his royal robes with his high, narrow crown on his head and shouted-- 'By the beak of Nisroch, ask what you will, strangers from the land where the sun never sets!' 'We ought to say it's enough honour, like the dancer did,' whispered Anthea. 'No, let's ask for IT,' said Robert. 'No, no, I'm sure the other's manners,' said Anthea. But Robert, who was excited by the music, and the flaring torches, and the applause and the opportunity, spoke up before the others could stop him. 'Give us the half of the Amulet that has on it the name UR HEKAU SETCHEH,' he said, adding as an afterthought, 'O King, live-for-ever.' As he spoke the great name those in the pillared hall fell on their faces, and lay still. All but the Queen who crouched amid her cushions with her head in her hands, and the King, who stood upright, perfectly still, like the statue of a king in stone. It was only for a moment though. Then his great voice thundered out-- 'Guard, seize them!' Instantly, from nowhere as it seemed, sprang eight soldiers in bright armour inlaid with gold, and tunics of red and white. Very splendid they were, and very alarming. 'Impious and sacrilegious wretches!' shouted the King. 'To the dungeons with them! We will find a way, tomorrow, to make them speak. For without doubt they can tell us where to find the lost half of It.' A wall of scarlet and white and steel and gold closed up round the children and hurried them away among the many pillars of the great hall. As they went they heard the voices of the courtiers loud in horror. 'You've done it this time,' said Cyril with extreme bitterness. 'Oh, it will come right. It MUST. It always does,' said Anthea desperately. They could not see where they were going, because the guard surrounded them so closely, but the ground under their feet, smooth marble at first, grew rougher like stone, then it was loose earth and sand, and they felt the night air. Then there was more stone, and steps down. 'It's my belief we really ARE going to the deepest dungeon below the castle moat this time,' said Cyril. And they were. At least it was not below a moat, but below the river Euphrates, which was just as bad if not worse. In a most unpleasant place it was. Dark, very, very damp, and with an odd, musty smell rather like the shells of oysters. There was a torch--that is to say, a copper basket on a high stick with oiled wood burning in it. By its light the children saw that the walls were green, and that trickles of water ran down them and dripped from the roof. There were things on the floor that looked like newts, and in the dark corners creepy, shiny things moved sluggishly, uneasily, horribly. Robert's heart sank right into those really reliable boots of his. Anthea and Cyril each had a private struggle with that inside disagreeableness which is part of all of us, and which is sometimes called the Old Adam--and both were victors. Neither of them said to Robert (and both tried hard not even to think it), 'This is YOUR doing.' Anthea had the additional temptation to add, 'I told you so.' And she resisted it successfully. 'Sacrilege, and impious cheek,' said the captain of the guard to the gaoler. 'To be kept during the King's pleasure. I expect he means to get some pleasure out of them tomorrow! He'll tickle them up!' 'Poor little kids,' said the gaoler. 'Oh, yes,' said the captain. 'I've got kids of my own too. But it doesn't do to let domestic sentiment interfere with one's public duties. Good night.' The soldiers tramped heavily off in their white and red and steel and gold. The gaoler, with a bunch of big keys in his hand, stood looking pityingly at the children. He shook his head twice and went out. 'Courage!' said Anthea. 'I know it will be all right. It's only a dream REALLY, you know. It MUST be! I don't believe about time being only a something or other of thought. It IS a dream, and we're bound to wake up all right and safe.' 'Humph,' said Cyril bitterly. And Robert suddenly said-- 'It's all my doing. If it really IS all up do please not keep a down on me about it, and tell Father--Oh, I forgot.' What he had forgotten was that his father was 3,000 miles and 5,000 or more years away from him. 'All right, Bobs, old man,' said Cyril; and Anthea got hold of Robert's hand and squeezed it. Then the gaoler came back with a platter of hard, flat cakes made of coarse grain, very different from the cream-and-juicy-date feasts of the palace; also a pitcher of water. 'There,' he said. 'Oh, thank you so very much. You ARE kind,' said Anthea feverishly. 'Go to sleep,' said the gaoler, pointing to a heap of straw in a corner; 'tomorrow comes soon enough.' 'Oh, dear Mr Gaoler,' said Anthea, 'whatever will they do to us tomorrow?' 'They'll try to make you tell things,' said the gaoler grimly, 'and my advice is if you've nothing to tell, make up something. Then perhaps they'll sell you to the Northern nations. Regular savages THEY are. Good night.' 'Good night,' said three trembling voices, which their owners strove in vain to render firm. Then he went out, and the three were left alone in the damp, dim vault. 'I know the light won't last long,' said Cyril, looking at the flickering brazier. 'Is it any good, do you think, calling on the name when we haven't got the charm?' suggested Anthea. 'I shouldn't think so. But we might try.' So they tried. But the blank silence of the damp dungeon remained unchanged. 'What was the name the Queen said?' asked Cyril suddenly. 'Nisbeth--Nesbit--something? You know, the slave of the great names?' 'Wait a sec,' said Robert, 'though I | an | How many times the word 'an' appears in the text? | 3 |
woman and said, 'You'll take me home with you, won't you? And let me play with your little girls till the others have done with the Queen.' 'Surely I will, little heart!' said the woman. And then Anthea hurriedly stroked the Psammead and embraced Jane, who took the woman's hand, and trotted contentedly away with the Psammead's bag under the other arm. The others stood looking after her till she, the woman, and the basket were lost in the many-coloured crowd. Then Anthea turned once more to the palace's magnificent doorway and said-- 'Let's ask the porter to take care of our Babylonian overcoats.' So they took off the garments that the woman had lent them and stood amid the jostling petitioners of the Queen in their own English frocks and coats and hats and boots. 'We want to see the Queen,' said Cyril; 'we come from the far Empire where the sun never sets!' A murmur of surprise and a thrill of excitement ran through the crowd. The door-porter spoke to a black man, he spoke to someone else. There was a whispering, waiting pause. Then a big man, with a cleanly-shaven face, beckoned them from the top of a flight of red marble steps. They went up; the boots of Robert clattering more than usual because he was so nervous. A door swung open, a curtain was drawn back. A double line of bowing forms in gorgeous raiment formed a lane that led to the steps of the throne, and as the children advanced hurriedly there came from the throne a voice very sweet and kind. 'Three children from the land where the sun never sets! Let them draw hither without fear.' In another minute they were kneeling at the throne's foot, saying, 'O Queen, live for ever!' exactly as the woman had taught them. And a splendid dream-lady, all gold and silver and jewels and snowy drift of veils, was raising Anthea, and saying-- 'Don't be frightened, I really am SO glad you came! The land where the sun never sets! I am delighted to see you! I was getting quite too dreadfully bored for anything!' And behind Anthea the kneeling Cyril whispered in the ears of the respectful Robert-- 'Bobs, don't say anything to Panther. It's no use upsetting her, but we didn't ask for Jane's address, and the Psammead's with her.' 'Well,' whispered Robert, 'the charm can bring them to us at any moment. IT said so.' 'Oh, yes,' whispered Cyril, in miserable derision, 'WE'RE all right, of course. So we are! Oh, yes! If we'd only GOT the charm.' Then Robert saw, and he murmured, 'Crikey!' at the foot of the throne of Babylon; while Cyril hoarsely whispered the plain English fact-- 'Jane's got the charm round her neck, you silly cuckoo.' 'Crikey!' Robert repeated in heart-broken undertones. CHAPTER 7. 'THE DEEPEST DUNGEON BELOW THE CASTLE MOAT' The Queen threw three of the red and gold embroidered cushions off the throne on to the marble steps that led up to it. 'Just make yourselves comfortable there,' she said. 'I'm simply dying to talk to you, and to hear all about your wonderful country and how you got here, and everything, but I have to do justice every morning. Such a bore, isn't it? Do you do justice in your own country?' 'No, said Cyril; 'at least of course we try to, but not in this public sort of way, only in private.' 'Ah, yes,' said the Queen, 'I should much prefer a private audience myself--much easier to manage. But public opinion has to be considered. Doing justice is very hard work, even when you're brought up to it.' 'We don't do justice, but we have to do scales, Jane and me,' said Anthea, 'twenty minutes a day. It's simply horrid.' 'What are scales?' asked the Queen, 'and what is Jane?' 'Jane is my little sister. One of the guards-at-the-gate's wife is taking care of her. And scales are music.' 'I never heard of the instrument,' said the Queen. 'Do you sing?' 'Oh, yes. We can sing in parts,' said Anthea. 'That IS magic,' said the Queen. 'How many parts are you each cut into before you do it?' 'We aren't cut at all,' said Robert hastily. 'We couldn't sing if we were. We'll show you afterwards.' 'So you shall, and now sit quiet like dear children and hear me do justice. The way I do it has always been admired. I oughtn't to say that ought I? Sounds so conceited. But I don't mind with you, dears. Somehow I feel as though I'd known you quite a long time already.' The Queen settled herself on her throne and made a signal to her attendants. The children, whispering together among the cushions on the steps of the throne, decided that she was very beautiful and very kind, but perhaps just the least bit flighty. The first person who came to ask for justice was a woman whose brother had taken the money the father had left for her. The brother said it was the uncle who had the money. There was a good deal of talk and the children were growing rather bored, when the Queen suddenly clapped her hands, and said-- 'Put both the men in prison till one of them owns up that the other is innocent.' 'But suppose they both did it?' Cyril could not help interrupting. 'Then prison's the best place for them,' said the Queen. 'But suppose neither did it.' 'That's impossible,' said the Queen; 'a thing's not done unless someone does it. And you mustn't interrupt.' Then came a woman, in tears, with a torn veil and real ashes on her head--at least Anthea thought so, but it may have been only road-dust. She complained that her husband was in prison. 'What for?' said the Queen. 'They SAID it was for speaking evil of your Majesty,' said the woman, 'but it wasn't. Someone had a spite against him. That was what it was.' 'How do you know he hadn't spoken evil of me?' said the Queen. 'No one could,' said the woman simply, 'when they'd once seen your beautiful face.' 'Let the man out,' said the Queen, smiling. 'Next case.' The next case was that of a boy who had stolen a fox. 'Like the Spartan boy,' whispered Robert. But the Queen ruled that nobody could have any possible reason for owning a fox, and still less for stealing one. And she did not believe that there were any foxes in Babylon; she, at any rate, had never seen one. So the boy was released. The people came to the Queen about all sorts of family quarrels and neighbourly misunderstandings--from a fight between brothers over the division of an inheritance, to the dishonest and unfriendly conduct of a woman who had borrowed a cooking-pot at the last New Year's festival, and not returned it yet. And the Queen decided everything, very, very decidedly indeed. At last she clapped her hands quite suddenly and with extreme loudness, and said-- 'The audience is over for today.' Everyone said, 'May the Queen live for ever!' and went out. And the children were left alone in the justice-hall with the Queen of Babylon and her ladies. 'There!' said the Queen, with a long sigh of relief. 'THAT'S over! I couldn't have done another stitch of justice if you'd offered me the crown of Egypt! Now come into the garden, and we'll have a nice, long, cosy talk.' She led them through long, narrow corridors whose walls they somehow felt, were very, very thick, into a sort of garden courtyard. There were thick shrubs closely planted, and roses were trained over trellises, and made a pleasant shade--needed, indeed, for already the sun was as hot as it is in England in August at the seaside. Slaves spread cushions on a low, marble terrace, and a big man with a smooth face served cool drink in cups of gold studded with beryls. He drank a little from the Queen's cup before handing it to her. 'That's rather a nasty trick,' whispered Robert, who had been carefully taught never to drink out of one of the nice, shiny, metal cups that are chained to the London drinking fountains without first rinsing it out thoroughly. The Queen overheard him. 'Not at all,' said she. 'Ritti-Marduk is a very clean man. And one has to have SOME ONE as taster, you know, because of poison.' The word made the children feel rather creepy; but Ritti-Marduk had tasted all the cups, so they felt pretty safe. The drink was delicious--very cold, and tasting like lemonade and partly like penny ices. 'Leave us,' said the Queen. And all the Court ladies, in their beautiful, many-folded, many-coloured, fringed dresses, filed out slowly, and the children were left alone with the Queen. 'Now,' she said, 'tell me all about yourselves.' They looked at each other. 'You, Bobs,' said Cyril. 'No--Anthea,' said Robert. 'No--you--Cyril,' said Anthea. 'Don't you remember how pleased the Queen of India was when you told her all about us?' Cyril muttered that it was all very well, and so it was. For when he had told the tale of the Phoenix and the Carpet to the Ranee, it had been only the truth--and all the truth that he had to tell. But now it was not easy to tell a convincing story without mentioning the Amulet--which, of course, it wouldn't have done to mention--and without owning that they were really living in London, about 2,500 years later than the time they were talking in. Cyril took refuge in the tale of the Psammead and its wonderful power of making wishes come true. The children had never been able to tell anyone before, and Cyril was surprised to find that the spell which kept them silent in London did not work here. 'Something to do with our being in the Past, I suppose,' he said to himself. 'This is MOST interesting,' said the Queen. 'We must have this Psammead for the banquet tonight. Its performance will be one of the most popular turns in the whole programme. Where is it?' Anthea explained that they did not know; also why it was that they did not know. 'Oh, THAT'S quite simple,' said the Queen, and everyone breathed a deep sigh of relief as she said it. 'Ritti-Marduk shall run down to the gates and find out which guard your sister went home with.' 'Might he'--Anthea's voice was tremulous--'might he--would it interfere with his meal-times, or anything like that, if he went NOW?' 'Of course he shall go now. He may think himself lucky if he gets his meals at any time,' said the Queen heartily, and clapped her hands. 'May I send a letter?' asked Cyril, pulling out a red-backed penny account-book, and feeling in his pockets for a stump of pencil that he knew was in one of them. 'By all means. I'll call my scribe.' 'Oh, I can scribe right enough, thanks,' said Cyril, finding the pencil and licking its point. He even had to bite the wood a little, for it was very blunt. 'Oh, you clever, clever boy!' said the Queen. 'DO let me watch you do it!' Cyril wrote on a leaf of the book--it was of rough, woolly paper, with hairs that stuck out and would have got in his pen if he had been using one, and ruled for accounts. 'Hide IT most carefully before you come here,' he wrote, 'and don't mention it--and destroy this letter. Everything is going A1. The Queen is a fair treat. There's nothing to be afraid of.' 'What curious characters, and what a strange flat surface!' said the Queen. 'What have you inscribed?' 'I've 'scribed,' replied Cyril cautiously, 'that you are fair, and a--and like a--like a festival; and that she need not be afraid, and that she is to come at once.' Ritti-Marduk, who had come in and had stood waiting while Cyril wrote, his Babylonish eyes nearly starting out of his Babylonish head, now took the letter, with some reluctance. 'O Queen, live for ever! Is it a charm?' he timidly asked. 'A strong charm, most great lady?' 'YES,' said Robert, unexpectedly, 'it IS a charm, but it won't hurt anyone until you've given it to Jane. And then she'll destroy it, so that it CAN'T hurt anyone. It's most awful strong!--as strong as--Peppermint!' he ended abruptly. 'I know not the god,' said Ritti-Marduk, bending timorously. 'She'll tear it up directly she gets it,' said Robert, 'That'll end the charm. You needn't be afraid if you go now.' Ritti-Marduk went, seeming only partly satisfied; and then the Queen began to admire the penny account-book and the bit of pencil in so marked and significant a way that Cyril felt he could not do less than press them upon her as a gift. She ruffled the leaves delightedly. 'What a wonderful substance!' she said. 'And with this style you make charms? Make a charm for me! Do you know,' her voice sank to a whisper, 'the names of the great ones of your own far country?' 'Rather!' said Cyril, and hastily wrote the names of Alfred the Great, Shakespeare, Nelson, Gordon, Lord Beaconsfield, Mr Rudyard Kipling, and Mr Sherlock Holmes, while the Queen watched him with 'unbaited breath', as Anthea said afterwards. She took the book and hid it reverently among the bright folds of her gown. 'You shall teach me later to say the great names,' she said. 'And the names of their Ministers--perhaps the great Nisroch is one of them?' 'I don't think so,' said Cyril. 'Mr Campbell Bannerman's Prime Minister and Mr Burns a Minister, and so is the Archbishop of Canterbury, I think, but I'm not sure--and Dr Parker was one, I know, and--' 'No more,' said the Queen, putting her hands to her ears. 'My head's going round with all those great names. You shall teach them to me later--because of course you'll make us a nice long visit now you have come, won't you? Now tell me--but no, I am quite tired out with your being so clever. Besides, I'm sure you'd like ME to tell YOU something, wouldn't you?' 'Yes,' said Anthea. 'I want to know how it is that the King has gone--' 'Excuse me, but you should say "the King may-he-live-for-ever",' said the Queen gently. 'I beg your pardon,' Anthea hastened to say--'the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone to fetch home his fourteenth wife? I don't think even Bluebeard had as many as that. And, besides, he hasn't killed YOU at any rate.' The Queen looked bewildered. 'She means,' explained Robert, 'that English kings only have one wife--at least, Henry the Eighth had seven or eight, but not all at once.' 'In our country,' said the Queen scornfully, 'a king would not reign a day who had only one wife. No one would respect him, and quite right too.' 'Then are all the other thirteen alive?' asked Anthea. 'Of course they are--poor mean-spirited things! I don't associate with them, of course, I am the Queen: they're only the wives.' 'I see,' said Anthea, gasping. 'But oh, my dears,' the Queen went on, 'such a to-do as there's been about this last wife! You never did! It really was TOO funny. We wanted an Egyptian princess. The King may-he-live-for-ever has got a wife from most of the important nations, and he had set his heart on an Egyptian one to complete his collection. Well, of course, to begin with, we sent a handsome present of gold. The Egyptian king sent back some horses--quite a few; he's fearfully stingy!--and he said he liked the gold very much, but what they were really short of was lapis lazuli, so of course we sent him some. But by that time he'd begun to use the gold to cover the beams of the roof of the Temple of the Sun-God, and he hadn't nearly enough to finish the job, so we sent some more. And so it went on, oh, for years. You see each journey takes at least six months. And at last we asked the hand of his daughter in marriage.' 'Yes, and then?' said Anthea, who wanted to get to the princess part of the story. 'Well, then,' said the Queen, 'when he'd got everything out of us that he could, and only given the meanest presents in return, he sent to say he would esteem the honour of an alliance very highly, only unfortunately he hadn't any daughter, but he hoped one would be born soon, and if so, she should certainly be reserved for the King of Babylon!' 'What a trick!' said Cyril. 'Yes, wasn't it? So then we said his sister would do, and then there were more gifts and more journeys; and now at last the tiresome, black-haired thing is coming, and the King may-he-live-for-ever has gone seven days' journey to meet her at Carchemish. And he's gone in his best chariot, the one inlaid with lapis lazuli and gold, with the gold-plated wheels and onyx-studded hubs--much too great an honour in my opinion. She'll be here tonight; there'll be a grand banquet to celebrate her arrival. SHE won't be present, of course. She'll be having her baths and her anointings, and all that sort of thing. We always clean our foreign brides very carefully. It takes two or three weeks. Now it's dinnertime, and you shall eat with me, for I can see that you are of high rank.' She led them into a dark, cool hall, with many cushions on the floor. On these they sat and low tables were brought--beautiful tables of smooth, blue stone mounted in gold. On these, golden trays were placed; but there were no knives, or forks, or spoons. The children expected the Queen to call for them; but no. She just ate with her fingers, and as the first dish was a great tray of boiled corn, and meat and raisins all mixed up together, and melted fat poured all over the tray, it was found difficult to follow her example with anything like what we are used to think of as good table manners. There were stewed quinces afterwards, and dates in syrup, and thick yellowy cream. It was the kind of dinner you hardly ever get in Fitzroy Street. After dinner everybody went to sleep, even the children. The Queen awoke with a start. 'Good gracious!' she cried, 'what a time we've slept! I must rush off and dress for the banquet. I shan't have much more than time.' 'Hasn't Ritti-Marduk got back with our sister and the Psammead yet?' Anthea asked. 'I QUITE forgot to ask. I'm sorry,' said the Queen. 'And of course they wouldn't announce her unless I told them to, except during justice hours. I expect she's waiting outside. I'll see.' Ritti-Marduk came in a moment later. 'I regret,' he said, 'that I have been unable to find your sister. The beast she bears with her in a basket has bitten the child of the guard, and your sister and the beast set out to come to you. The police say they have a clue. No doubt we shall have news of her in a few weeks.' He bowed and withdrew. The horror of this threefold loss--Jane, the Psammead, and the Amulet--gave the children something to talk about while the Queen was dressing. I shall not report their conversation; it was very gloomy. Everyone repeated himself several times, and the discussion ended in each of them blaming the other two for having let Jane go. You know the sort of talk it was, don't you? At last Cyril said-- 'After all, she's with the Psammead, so SHE'S all right. The Psammead is jolly careful of itself too. And it isn't as if we were in any danger. Let's try to buck up and enjoy the banquet.' They did enjoy the banquet. They had a beautiful bath, which was delicious, were heavily oiled all over, including their hair, and that was most unpleasant. Then, they dressed again and were presented to the King, who was most affable. The banquet was long; there were all sorts of nice things to eat, and everybody seemed to eat and drink a good deal. Everyone lay on cushions and couches, ladies on one side and gentlemen on the other; and after the eating was done each lady went and sat by some gentleman, who seemed to be her sweetheart or her husband, for they were very affectionate to each other. The Court dresses had gold threads woven in them, very bright and beautiful. The middle of the room was left clear, and different people came and did amusing things. There were conjurers and jugglers and snake-charmers, which last Anthea did not like at all. When it got dark torches were lighted. Cedar splinters dipped in oil blazed in copper dishes set high on poles. Then there was a dancer, who hardly danced at all, only just struck attitudes. She had hardly any clothes, and was not at all pretty. The children were rather bored by her, but everyone else was delighted, including the King. 'By the beard of Nimrod!' he cried, 'ask what you like girl, and you shall have it!' 'I want nothing,' said the dancer; 'the honour of having pleased the King may-he-live-for-ever is reward enough for me.' And the King was so pleased with this modest and sensible reply that he gave her the gold collar off his own neck. 'I say!' said Cyril, awed by the magnificence of the gift. 'It's all right,' whispered the Queen, 'it's not his best collar by any means. We always keep a stock of cheap jewellery for these occasions. And now--you promised to sing us something. Would you like my minstrels to accompany you?' 'No, thank you,' said Anthea quickly. The minstrels had been playing off and on all the time, and their music reminded Anthea of the band she and the others had once had on the fifth of November--with penny horns, a tin whistle, a tea-tray, the tongs, a policeman's rattle, and a toy drum. They had enjoyed this band very much at the time. But it was quite different when someone else was making the same kind of music. Anthea understood now that Father had not been really heartless and unreasonable when he had told them to stop that infuriating din. 'What shall we sing?' Cyril was asking. 'Sweet and low?' suggested Anthea. 'Too soft--I vote for "Who will o'er the downs". Now then--one, two, three. 'Oh, who will o'er the downs so free, Oh, who will with me ride, Oh, who will up and follow me, To win a blooming bride? Her father he has locked the door, Her mother keeps the key; But neither bolt nor bar shall keep My own true love from me.' Jane, the alto, was missing, and Robert, unlike the mother of the lady in the song, never could 'keep the key', but the song, even so, was sufficiently unlike anything any of them had ever heard to rouse the Babylonian Court to the wildest enthusiasm. 'More, more,' cried the King; 'by my beard, this savage music is a new thing. Sing again!' So they sang: 'I saw her bower at twilight gray, 'Twas guarded safe and sure. I saw her bower at break of day, 'Twas guarded then no more. The varlets they were all asleep, And there was none to see The greeting fair that passed there Between my love and me.' Shouts of applause greeted the ending of the verse, and the King would not be satisfied till they had sung all their part-songs (they only knew three) twice over, and ended up with 'Men of Harlech' in unison. Then the King stood up in his royal robes with his high, narrow crown on his head and shouted-- 'By the beak of Nisroch, ask what you will, strangers from the land where the sun never sets!' 'We ought to say it's enough honour, like the dancer did,' whispered Anthea. 'No, let's ask for IT,' said Robert. 'No, no, I'm sure the other's manners,' said Anthea. But Robert, who was excited by the music, and the flaring torches, and the applause and the opportunity, spoke up before the others could stop him. 'Give us the half of the Amulet that has on it the name UR HEKAU SETCHEH,' he said, adding as an afterthought, 'O King, live-for-ever.' As he spoke the great name those in the pillared hall fell on their faces, and lay still. All but the Queen who crouched amid her cushions with her head in her hands, and the King, who stood upright, perfectly still, like the statue of a king in stone. It was only for a moment though. Then his great voice thundered out-- 'Guard, seize them!' Instantly, from nowhere as it seemed, sprang eight soldiers in bright armour inlaid with gold, and tunics of red and white. Very splendid they were, and very alarming. 'Impious and sacrilegious wretches!' shouted the King. 'To the dungeons with them! We will find a way, tomorrow, to make them speak. For without doubt they can tell us where to find the lost half of It.' A wall of scarlet and white and steel and gold closed up round the children and hurried them away among the many pillars of the great hall. As they went they heard the voices of the courtiers loud in horror. 'You've done it this time,' said Cyril with extreme bitterness. 'Oh, it will come right. It MUST. It always does,' said Anthea desperately. They could not see where they were going, because the guard surrounded them so closely, but the ground under their feet, smooth marble at first, grew rougher like stone, then it was loose earth and sand, and they felt the night air. Then there was more stone, and steps down. 'It's my belief we really ARE going to the deepest dungeon below the castle moat this time,' said Cyril. And they were. At least it was not below a moat, but below the river Euphrates, which was just as bad if not worse. In a most unpleasant place it was. Dark, very, very damp, and with an odd, musty smell rather like the shells of oysters. There was a torch--that is to say, a copper basket on a high stick with oiled wood burning in it. By its light the children saw that the walls were green, and that trickles of water ran down them and dripped from the roof. There were things on the floor that looked like newts, and in the dark corners creepy, shiny things moved sluggishly, uneasily, horribly. Robert's heart sank right into those really reliable boots of his. Anthea and Cyril each had a private struggle with that inside disagreeableness which is part of all of us, and which is sometimes called the Old Adam--and both were victors. Neither of them said to Robert (and both tried hard not even to think it), 'This is YOUR doing.' Anthea had the additional temptation to add, 'I told you so.' And she resisted it successfully. 'Sacrilege, and impious cheek,' said the captain of the guard to the gaoler. 'To be kept during the King's pleasure. I expect he means to get some pleasure out of them tomorrow! He'll tickle them up!' 'Poor little kids,' said the gaoler. 'Oh, yes,' said the captain. 'I've got kids of my own too. But it doesn't do to let domestic sentiment interfere with one's public duties. Good night.' The soldiers tramped heavily off in their white and red and steel and gold. The gaoler, with a bunch of big keys in his hand, stood looking pityingly at the children. He shook his head twice and went out. 'Courage!' said Anthea. 'I know it will be all right. It's only a dream REALLY, you know. It MUST be! I don't believe about time being only a something or other of thought. It IS a dream, and we're bound to wake up all right and safe.' 'Humph,' said Cyril bitterly. And Robert suddenly said-- 'It's all my doing. If it really IS all up do please not keep a down on me about it, and tell Father--Oh, I forgot.' What he had forgotten was that his father was 3,000 miles and 5,000 or more years away from him. 'All right, Bobs, old man,' said Cyril; and Anthea got hold of Robert's hand and squeezed it. Then the gaoler came back with a platter of hard, flat cakes made of coarse grain, very different from the cream-and-juicy-date feasts of the palace; also a pitcher of water. 'There,' he said. 'Oh, thank you so very much. You ARE kind,' said Anthea feverishly. 'Go to sleep,' said the gaoler, pointing to a heap of straw in a corner; 'tomorrow comes soon enough.' 'Oh, dear Mr Gaoler,' said Anthea, 'whatever will they do to us tomorrow?' 'They'll try to make you tell things,' said the gaoler grimly, 'and my advice is if you've nothing to tell, make up something. Then perhaps they'll sell you to the Northern nations. Regular savages THEY are. Good night.' 'Good night,' said three trembling voices, which their owners strove in vain to render firm. Then he went out, and the three were left alone in the damp, dim vault. 'I know the light won't last long,' said Cyril, looking at the flickering brazier. 'Is it any good, do you think, calling on the name when we haven't got the charm?' suggested Anthea. 'I shouldn't think so. But we might try.' So they tried. But the blank silence of the damp dungeon remained unchanged. 'What was the name the Queen said?' asked Cyril suddenly. 'Nisbeth--Nesbit--something? You know, the slave of the great names?' 'Wait a sec,' said Robert, 'though I | hastily | How many times the word 'hastily' appears in the text? | 2 |
woman can do... with a bobbie pin. Ned looks at the door. The frame and lock have been brutally chewed away, as if someone used a jackhammer on them! She pulls out a pack of cigarettes... BLACK LUNG LITES. LOLA (offering) Cigarette? NED No... thanks. They're bad for ya. He goes to the water cooler. She lights up, exhaling a soft cloud of smoke through a sleepy smile, her voice purring. LOLA Yes, I know. I like things that are bad for me. (touching lawbooks) So... I hear you go both ways. Ned hesitates... about to drink from the paper cup. NED Only once. It was a fraternity prank. I never saw him again. He gulps the water down, crumbles the cup in his hand. LOLA No, I mean... you're a cop and a lawyer. NED Oh. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of scum out there on the streets... but they all deserve a fair and costly trial. Ned turns, tries to casually "dunk" the crumpled cup in the waste basket. He misses. Laura enters with a huge pile of lawbooks in her arms. She sees Ned miss the basket and darts over as he bends down to pick it up. LAURA I'll get that. She picks it up and tosses it into the waste basket. NED Oh... Laura... this is, uh... LOLA Lola Cain. Laura sets the heavy load of books on the desk and steps toward Lola, extending her hand. Lola takes her time removing the long white glove... finally reaching out and shaking Laura's hand with a condescending air. LOLA (sarcastic) So lovely to meet you, Laura. Ned grabs the books and turns to the bookshelf, replacing each lawbook in its proper slot. The "handshake" between Lola and Laura turns tense, then aggressive, eventually becoming a "standing Indian wrestle" as they try to force each other off balance with sheer force. Ned is oblivious to the battle behind him, chattering away. NED Gotta keep these darn books in their right place or we'll never find the ones we need. Let's see, Q thru M... R thru B... W thru F... Laura suddenly whirls Lola around, putting her in an arm lock. But Lola elbows Laura in the stomach! Laura doubles over. Lola feigns sympathy, taking her hand... then spins, twisting Laura's arm, flipping her head over heels! Laura lands on the couch... upside down... gasping. Lola strikes a haughty pose, still holding her lit cigarette. She takes a drag. Laura checks her watch, then tumbles off the couch, landing on her feet. She straightens her skirt. LAURA It's getting late. I'll give you a ride home, Ned. Finished with the books, Ned turns... smiles. NED I have my car. LAURA I'll tow you. NED Not today. You don't need to wait. I'll see you tomorrow. Lola looks at Laura... icy, haughty, triumphant. Laura moves reluctantly toward the door, sees the lock and door frame chewed to pieces... whirls around, heads back toward Ned. LAURA I should call someone to fix this... NED Tomorrow... She instantly spins around, heads back toward the door... LAURA I'll call from home. ...and exits. Ned sits down on the corner of the desk. Lola sits in the chair across from him. LOLA I think I should warn you, Mr. Ravine... I'm not wearing any underwear. She crosses her legs suggestively... then slowly, enticingly, re-crosses them in the other direction. Unimpressed, Ned opens Laura's desk drawer... pulls a pair of sexy lace panties from a Kleenex-style dispenser box labeled "PANDORA'S POP-UP PANTIES"... which pulls another pair up into position. He tosses the panties to Lola. NED Try these on. She does... very, very slowly and seductively... as they talk. NED So... what can I do for you? LOLA I've run across some... papers... and I thought you might be able to tell me what they are. You see, I'm not very experienced when it comes to... papers. NED I'll help you Miss Cain, if I'm able. Do you have the... papers... here? LOLA No... they're at home. I thought you might stop by... NED I'm on duty tonight. LOLA Don't they ever give you a night off? NED Yeah. Tomorrow. LOLA (picks up cigarette) Why don't we meet tomorrow evening then? She finishes pulling the panties on with a sultry smile... "snapping" the elastic waistband. She goes to the door, pauses... turns to him. LOLA I'll let you know where. NED (steps over to her) What's wrong with my office? She looks around, exhaling another cloud of smoke. LOLA Nothing a good interior decorator couldn't fix. She opens the door. Behind her, in the hall, we see Dizzy, the saxophone player, wailing away on "Lola's Theme." CLOSE ON LOLA She takes a final, long drag on her cigarette, then reaches O.S. with it... toward Ned. LOLA Take care of this for me, will ya? With a sultry smile, she turns and leaves, closing the door. ANGLE ON NED The cigarette is stuck in his nose. INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT The front door swings open. Frank is standing there, dressed in a cheap, loose-fitting suit and a T-shirt. FRANK I came back for my shower cap. Lana, now wearing the diaphanous gown, pulls him inside. She kisses him hungrily, slipping a frilly plastic shower cap with a gaudy floral design on his head. LANA Yeah, well you came to the right place. She walks to the living room. Frank follows, still wearing the shower cap. Lana snaps her fingers. LANA Sit down. He sits in a chair, looking around. FRANK Where is he? LANA On duty all night. By the time he wraps up his reports, it'll be close to noon tomorrow. She sits on the couch, picks up a stack of papers. LANA I was just reading over... She looks up at Frank. Sees the shower cap. LANA Take off the hat, Frank. He slips the shower cap off as Lana continues. LANA I was just reading over my husband's insurance policies. You wouldn't know anything about insurance, would you, Frankie? FRANK Yeah, matter of fact, I sell policies part-time. I got half a brain... or didn't you notice? LANA I musta had my eye on something else. (hands him papers) How about a translation. He flips through, scanning the pages, shrugging. FRANK Standard accident policy... all the usual stuff... blah, blah, blah. The face value is... Wow. Not bad. Three million bucks! (flips page) And there's a triple indemnity rider. LANA Meaning? FRANK Aw, it's just something agents throw in so we can boost the premium. If the policy holder dies under very specific conditions, it pays off three times the face value of the policy. LANA Nine million dollars...? FRANK Yeah... but it's a sure bet for the company. Nobody ever collects. LANA Why not? FRANK Well, like here... it only pays off if he's shot with a pistol, falls from a moving northbound train and drowns in a fresh water stream. LANA All three? FRANK See what I mean, sweetheart? What are the odds of that? LANA It could happen. (dramatic beat) Suppose it did happen? FRANK Then you'd be rich. LANA Then we'd be rich. FRANK What're you sayin'...? She drops to her knees in front of him, her face close to his, speaking with a persuasive urgency. LANA We're gonna kill the son-of-a-bitch! And I know exactly how! He has a legal symposium in Santa Barbara this weekend... All we have to do is get him to take the train up instead of driving. FRANK How we gonna do that? Didn't you tell me he hates trains? LANA That's where you come in, baby. You're gonna rig his car so it doesn't work. That should be no problem for you. She gets up, walks to the adjoining room... snapping her fingers at her side. He follows. She steps to a table, pulls the cover off an elaborate scale- model of Dealey Plaza and a train station, complete with HO- Scale model trains chugging around the tracks. She uses a pointer to trace the route to the depot. LANA Then... we give him a lift to the train station... through Dealey Plaza, past the Book Suppository and around the grassy knoll... FRANK Isn't that out of our way? Ignoring this, she turns the LIGHTS OFF, walks over to a screen and picks up a remote control. She clicks the button. A SLIDE PROJECTOR comes on, throwing an IMAGE on Frank's back. We can read the words: THE PLAN. LANA Move, Frank. He moves over. "THE PLAN" appears on the screen. LANA And pay attention. As she talks, IMAGES appear on the screen, accompanying her rapid spiel. We see: a shot of the depot, a map of the rail route, a gun, a river, a Bingo game, baseball action and a huge dollar sign! LANA Ten minutes out of the station he'll be standing in the vestibule between cars... trying to avoid a panic attack. Fourteen minutes and ten seconds out, the train crosses the Santa Ynez River. So at thirteen minutes and fifty-four seconds, I shoot him, shove him out the door... he hits the river and drowns. Bingo! A triple play. We're rich! The lights click ON. FRANK You been thinking about this a lot, haven't you? LANA No. It just came to me. (closer, seductive) I had this image of a big, powerful, throbbing train... plunging into a long, dark, wet tunnel. They embrace, kissing passionately, dropping out of frame. The model train CHUGS faster, the train whistle SHRIEKING a long "Woooooooo-woooooooooo!"... racing into a model tunnel. INT. POLICE STATION - SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT Ned and Arch drag in a bunch of bad-ass, multi-ethnic GANG MEMBERS they've just busted. Ned angrily shoves one of the toughest gang members against the wall... losing his cool. NED Stand over there and shut up! GANG MEMBER #1 Hey, man, we got rights! Don't you be layin' no deleterious malfeasance on us. Ned goes ballistic and slams him into the wall again! NED Watch your mouth, punk! I don't want to hear language like that! Arch grabs Ned by the shoulder, pulling him back, calming him. ARCH Whoa, hold on, hoss! Take it easy. You seem a little tense tonight. What is it? Ned regains his composure. He's depressed. NED Aw... I don't know. I guess it's Lana. It's just... I know she wants to have a baby so bad... Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. NED ...but I never get to spend any time with her. And when I am home... it's like she's, you know... avoiding sex. Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. GANG MEMBER #1 You should try to be more sensitive, man. More romantic. Bring her flowers. He steps between them, putting his arm around Ned's shoulder. GANG MEMBER #1 Try to understand how she feels. After all... He steps back, begins to SING "Try A Little Tenderness"... GANG MEMBER #1 She may be weary... Women do get weary... Wearing that same old shabby dress... But when she's weary... Try a little ten-der-ness... The other Gang Members join in on the SECOND VERSE with a sweet, mellow street-corner harmony as back-up... and some smooth group choreography. The COPS on duty listen raptly, getting maudlin and dewey- eyed. Tears roll down the cheeks of the BOOKING SERGEANT. The lights dim. A big, gruff COP makes eyes at a HOOKER being booked... and they start to slow dance. Arch watches all this with a sentimental smile, munching on his Nachos. When the song ends, Arch puts a comforting hand, covered with Nacho cheese, on Ned's shoulder. NED That can't be it. I'm the tenderest guy on the force. Nah... I think she's just afraid she won't be able to get pregnant. ARCH What's to be afraid! It's like making breakfast! You bring home the bacon... she's got the eggs. Ya scramble it up. Ba-da-boom ba-da-bing! She's got an omelette in the oven! (a beat, then) Why don't you knock off early... go home. It'd be nice for Lana to wake up in the morning and find you there for a change. NED Naw... I can't. I got all this paperwork. ARCH Don't worry about that. GANG MEMBER #1 We'll do our own paperwork, man! OTHER GANG MEMBERS Yeah! We'll fill out all that shit. Ned nods, smiles and gratefully "high-fives" the Gang Members as he heads for the door. INT. THE HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT The house is dark. A key turns in the lock and Ned enters. IN THE BEDROOM It's dark. Ned quietly undresses and slips into bed. INT. BEDROOM - CLOSE ON LANA - DAWN Sunlight creeps through the windows. Lana's eyes flutter open. She sees Ned beside her... sleeping. Suddenly, it hits her. She turns! Frank is on the other side, curled up, snoring. She's laying between both men! Lana elbows Frank. He stirs, groggy. She covers his mouth... indicating Ned. Frank's eyes bug out! He slips out of bed. The bed frame SQUEAKS LOUDLY! Frank freezes. Ned sleeps on steadily. Frank grabs his clothes. An unending torrent of coins fall out of his pants pockets, CLANGING on the floor! He freezes. Ned sleeps on. Frank retrieves the coins, clumsily stepping on the TV REMOTE CONTROL. A high-tech, sleekly designed TELEVISION MONITOR rises up... clicks ON. Frank tries frantically to push the set down, but it keeps rising into position. An IMAGE appears. It's WILLARD SCOTT, doing the weather on the TODAY SHOW. Frank grabs the remote control, frantically pounding on all the buttons. The VOLUME goes up... SOUND BLASTING! WILLARD SCOTT (on television) ...and Mrs. Prudy Ann Camomile of Delphi, Georgia is one-hundred and thirteen! What a gorgeous hunk of female! Smokes three cigars a day, drinks a straight shot of vodka at bedtime... and still has sex! The alarm clock goes off, CLANGING LOUDLY! Lana dives for it, slamming her hand down, killing the alarm. Going for a double-play, she flings the clock at the TV, nailing the on/off switch! Silence. Ned is still out cold. Frank moves toward the door... but with each step the floor CREAKS LOUDLY! He turns the knob. It CLUNKS! He pulls the door open v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y and it CRE-E-E-E-A-K-S like the piercing metal brakes of a train! He blows Lana a kiss, then pulls the door closed very gently. It sticks. He pulls harder. The knob pops off in his hand and he falls backward, tumbling down the stairs with a HUGE RACKET! Ned doesn't stir. Finally it's SILENT. Lana exhales. A SMALL BIRD lands on the sill of the open window, trilling a sweet little "CHIRP." Ned sits bolt upright, irritated. NED Damn birds! He grabs his shoe, heaving it toward the open window. EXT. NED'S HOUSE - MORNING Frank glances back up at the bedroom window with an arrogant smirk. WHAP! Ned's shoe hits him right in the face! EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY Ned comes down the courthouse steps. He pauses in the street, glimpsing the back of a WOMAN passing nearby... a STUNNING BLOND decked out in a clinging dress and fashionable hat... a long strip of toilet paper trailing from her high heel shoe. It must be LOLA. He turns to watch her. A HORN BLARES! BRAKES SCREECH! The SOUND OVERLAPS to... INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - DAY The door opens. Ned enters, looking terrible. Suit ripped, hair messed up, bruised and battered, briefcase crushed. LAURA My God, Ned... you look like you were hit by a bus. NED I was. (notices) Who's in my office? LAURA Max Shady's mother. NED Not again. INSIDE THE OFFICE MRS. SHADY, an older woman with a pleasant appearance, sits in an overstuffed leather chair. Ned and Laura enter. NED Hello, Mrs. Shady. Ned goes straight to his office closet, pulls out an identical blue suit... and starts stripping off his tattered clothes. NED Laura... check on my insurance. Make sure it's paid up. Laura reluctantly returns to the outer office. MRS. SHADY Good idea, Mr. Ravine. My son, Max, is getting out of prison tomorrow. NED (checks his watch) Gee, has it been seven years already? MRS. SHADY Seven long, miserable years in the slammer. And he's a bit pissed off. NED Well, being locked in a tiny room with no TV can make a guy feel pretty tense. MRS. SHADY I'm very concerned about him, Mr. Ravine. He said you were a two-bit shyster... and he's going to rip your head off and use it for a bowling ball! He goes to her, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder, looking her right in the eye, attempting to provide solace. NED I'm sure the experience wasn't all negative. He probably made a lot of friends... MRS. SHADY (ever hopeful) You think? NED ...learned a useful trade... MRS. SHADY Oh yes... live autopsies... NED ...caught up on all those books he wanted to read... She struggles to her feet feebly... MRS. SHADY Maybe so... but he said he's going to punch you in the testicles... She hauls off and PUNCHES him like a pile driver! WHAM! He doubles over, gasping. MRS. SHADY ...smash your face... She KNEES him in the face, raising him up... then nails him with a devastating RIGHT CROSS, spinning him around. He collapses over the desk. MRS. SHADY ...and decimate your wardrobe. She grabs the tail of his suit jacket and rips it up the back! MRS. SHADY And I wouldn't want that to happen. (spanks his butt) He's a naughty naughty boy. I just thought I should warn you. She turns and shuffles out, passing through the outer office. MRS. SHADY (to Laura) Bye for now. (pauses by desk) Oh... may I have a cookie? LAURA (at file cabinet) Sure. She grabs a handful of cookies and casually flings them at Laura... as she heads out the door. MRS. SHADY Thank yooooooooou. Laura rushes into Ned's office with the file folder. He staggers unsteadily by the desk. LAURA Oh my God, Ned. NED I hate when she comes to see me. LAURA Don't you realize, Ned?... you could be in real danger. NED (sees file) What's that? LAURA Extreme peril. You know, the risk of personal bodily harm. NED (points at file) No... I mean that. LAURA Your insurance file. But the policy's missing. Did you take it home? NED I don't think so. Laura looks puzzled... wondering where it might be. Then... LAURA Oh, wait a second... She goes to her desk in the outer office, digs through a drawer. Suddenly, she GASPS! She is holding... A FRAMED PHOTOGRAPH of her abusive HUSBAND... sneering. A circle has been drawn around his head with lipstick and a diagonal line slashed across his face. MATCH DISSOLVE TO: FLASHBACK HER HUSBAND'S FACE peers out through a sailboat porthole at stormy seas. A piece of masking tape stuck to the glass matches the diagonal line. INT. CABIN OF SAILBOAT - NIGHT Laura's Husband turns from the porthole. Laura cowers. The boat pitches and heaves, disturbing all the neatly hung towels, emblazoned with MINE - MINE - MINE across the bottom edge. Laura's Husband reacts with a crazed look in his eyes. Laura makes a break for it, running up on deck. EXT. SAILBOAT IN STORM - NIGHT Laura's Husband scrambles up onto the deck, looking fore and aft. Laura's vanished! He looks out to sea, calling... LAURA'S HUSBAND Lau-raaaaa! EXT. BEACH - NIGHT Laura paddles ashore, grasping a little kid's inflatable float ring. She struggles onto the sand and looks out to sea, triumphant... tossing the plastic float aside. MONTAGE - ULTRA CONTEMPO BEACH HOUSE - NIGHT -- Laura rushes in, tracking water all through the house. -- Laura cuts an inch of hair from her amazingly long, very wet tresses, then puts on a WIG... that is also LONG and WET! -- Laura retrieves a bra and a package of Twinkies from a secret hiding place... and stuffs them into a small brown paper bag. -- Laura hurriedly mops up her water tracks, then... -- She uses an industrial buffer to wax the hardwood floor. -- Laura removes her wedding ring... throws it in the toilet. She reaches for the handle to flush it... hesitates, seeing the "CONSERVE WATER - THIS MEANS YOU!" sticker on the toilet. She reaches into the bowl and retrieves the ring. -- On the deck, Laura throws the wedding ring toward the ocean. A SEAGULL swoops down, snatching it in mid-air and flies off. OMIT Sequence omitted from original script. -- In the bathroom... the Seagull flies in through the open window, lands on the back of the toilet and drops the ring... into the toilet bowl! EXT. THE BEACH - NEXT MORNING Laura's Husband reaches into the surf and picks up the deflated float ring. He looks at it with a cruel sneer. INT. BEACH HOUSE - BATHROOM Laura's Husband fishes Laura's wedding ring out of the toilet bowl... looking off with demonic rage! END FLASHBACK MONTAGE THE CAMERA PULLS BACK from Laura's SCREAMING mouth! Her eyes are filled with pure terror! A GIGANTIC wave of WATER splashes in her face! We see Ned... holding a tiny empty paper cup in his hand. Laura is completely drenched! NED Laura! Are you alright? That was a very long flashback you had. She snaps out of it, sputtering. LAURA Yes... I know. It's okay. I'm just a little... pre-menstrual. She goes to her desk, still upset. She picks up the message spike and turns to Ned. LAURA That Lola Cain... "person"... stopped by. She left this! She thrusts it toward Ned's face! There's a business card stuck on the end. He pulls it off. ANGLE - CLOSE ON BUSINESS CARD It reads: LE HOT CLUB! No Air Conditioning... And Proud Of It! Scribbled next to it is the message... "Meet me at 7:30". The edges of the card are scorched. INT. LE HOT CLUB - NIGHT It's dark, seductive, smoky, crowded... and HOT. Everybody is dripping with sweat and holding unlit cigarettes. Ned enters, sees Lola sitting on a stool at the bar, one leg crossed provocatively over the other. A beer can is stuck to the gum on the bottom of her shoe. It falls off with a CLUNK. He sits on the stool next to her. She looks at him, smiles. NED Oh yeah, before I forget... you asked me to take care of this. He reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a LIT CIGARETTE. It has a very long ash. LOLA Thanks... She takes it... inhales a drag, then lets the smoke flow out through her smile. It flows out for a loooooooooong time! More smoke than she could ever have inhaled. Then... NED You smoke too much. (looks around, then) It's hot tonight. LOLA Is it? I never know. My body heat runs about twenty degrees above normal. He notices the drink in her hand is BOILING. A saxophone begins to softly wail Lola's Theme. Ned looks over to see a QUARTET, featuring Dizzy on sax. The GUITARIST spontaneously bursts into FLAME! A FIREMAN, in full gear, jumps up from the bar and puts out the blaze with a fire extinguisher. None of the band members miss a beat. NED Maybe we should look for a cooler place. LOLA I doubt we'll find one. Even the wind chimes on my porch aren't moving much these days. They keep thudding softly, like dairy cows bumping butts in the night. I go out there expecting to find a cool breeze... but it's just a lot of hot air. Ned glances at the MALE CUSTOMERS... sitting at the bar across from them. They're staring coldly at Ned. NED What're they lookin' at? LOLA A lot of them have tried that seat. You're the first one's lasted this long. NED I feel honored. LOLA Don't. It's broken. A beat of realization, then the stool collapses with a CRASH! Ned pulls himself back up and drags another stool over. NED Did you bring the... papers? LOLA No. I thought you might come over... NED Sure. I'll drive you. LOLA I brought my own car. NED I'll follow you then. LOLA I know it sounds silly, but would you leave first... wait in your car? I come here a lot and I wouldn't want those men to think I'm "easy"... a slut who'll jump into bed with anyone at the drop of a hat. But if you leave first... NED ...they'll think I'm a putz for passing up a sure thing. Lola stares at Ned for a long moment... then SLAPS his face. He doesn't move, remaining staunchly macho. Then, suddenly, she SLUGS HIM so hard it knocks him over the top of the bar! LOLA (for all to hear) Now leave me alone! She pauses to give him a flicker of a COY SMILE... then picks up her drink and moves to a nearby table. Ned struggles to his feet and staggers to the door. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Ned is a mess! Blood trickles from the side of his mouth. Shirt soaked in sweat. He turns the radio ON. LOLA'S THEME starts playing. A small ceiling fan hangs from the interior roof of his car, turning slowly. The venetian blinds on his side windows are partially open, letting in slashes of dramatic light. ANGLE - HIS POV OF ROAD He's following Lola's car. It signals and turns left. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Still hot, Ned pulls the chain on the ceiling fan. It spins faster. MUCH faster! The car becomes like a wind tunnel! EXT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT The two cars enter a long drive, coming to a stop near a large two story house surrounded by lush greenery. Ned climbs out... his wind-blown hair flattened on one side and sticking out crazily. ANGLE - LOLA'S CAR DOOR - NED'S POV It opens. Lola's legs swing out. The CAMERA PANS DOWN her long legs to her feet. The car floormat is stuck to one shoe. She casually shakes it off... going to the front door. INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT They enter. It's DARK. Ned squints into the shadows. NED Well, here we are... in the dark. LOLA I have The Clapper. NED You what? Lola CLAPS her hands twice and all the LIGHTS COME ON. She smiles at him... drops her car keys on the hall table, then goes up the stairs. Ned drops his car keys on the table too and follows her. EXT. PORCH OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola clicks on a porch light. She and Ned step out. Dozens of small boxes hang around the perimeter of the porch. LOLA My wind chimes. Ned steps over, running his hands along the boxes. They "thud" against each other. NED You know, these would work a lot better if you took them out of the boxes. He slips several boxes off, releasing clusters of the metal chimes. They "tinkle" and "clang" melodically in the breeze. LOLA Well well... I guess you have been around. I'm impressed. She moves close, coming on to him. Ned feels uneasy. NED Why don't we take a look at those... papers? LOLA (remembering) Papers. Right. INT. DRESSING AREA OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola comes in, looks around, then down. She removes her shoe, pulling off two scraps of paper stuck to the gum on her heel. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Ned is looking through a book... "KAMIKAZE KAMA SUTRA - The Encyclopedia of Deadly Sexual Positions." Lola comes back in, hands Ned the two scraps of paper. NED That's it? These are the... papers? LOLA Yes. They're so confusing to me. Can you tell me what they are? He checks them out... shrugs. It's obvious. NED This one's a laundry receipt... and the other one's an expired lottery ticket. He hands them back to her, but she gently pushes them away. LOLA No. You keep them... as a memento of our time together. She slips them into his jacket pocket... then sensuously slides her hands around him, grabbing his buns, pulling him closer. LOLA I'm so grateful. How can I ever repay you for all you've done? NED Cash would be nice. LOLA Isn't there some other way? NED I suppose you could wash my car. LOLA No, I mean, isn't there something else you want? Something I could give you? She seductively starts to slide the jacket off his shoulders. NED Hey... slow down... there's a speed limit in this state. Sixty-five miles an hour. LOLA How fast was I going, officer? NED Oh, about a hundred and twenty-three. LOLA Suppose you pull me over and frisk me? NED Suppose I let you off with a warning? LOLA Suppose I find a cop with a bigger nightstick? NED Suppose I put you under arrest for being a bad girl with bad thoughts? LOLA Suppose you handcuff me to the bed? NED (rapid run-on) Suppose I do and then we lose the key and while I'm gone to get a duplicate made the house catches on fire and I can't get back to save you because the bridge is washed out and so you die a horrible death toasted like a Polish sausage on a flaming spit! (shakes his head) Nah... I better be going. He turns and leaves. She is stunned, confused, breathless. EXT. FRONT DOOR - NIGHT Ned opens the door, pauses, turns... as Lola joins him there. She looks into his eyes with desire. LOLA You're not so tough. Last chance. She moves her lips close to his, about to kiss him. Then... NED No thanks. I got a cold shower and a wife who trusts me waiting at home. LOLA What's the matter? Don't you want me? It's the way I look, isn't it? He steps out, pauses... turns to her. NED Don't forget to lock up. Ned pulls the door shut. The lock CLICKS. He pauses by his car, realizing | fashionable | How many times the word 'fashionable' appears in the text? | 1 |
woman can do... with a bobbie pin. Ned looks at the door. The frame and lock have been brutally chewed away, as if someone used a jackhammer on them! She pulls out a pack of cigarettes... BLACK LUNG LITES. LOLA (offering) Cigarette? NED No... thanks. They're bad for ya. He goes to the water cooler. She lights up, exhaling a soft cloud of smoke through a sleepy smile, her voice purring. LOLA Yes, I know. I like things that are bad for me. (touching lawbooks) So... I hear you go both ways. Ned hesitates... about to drink from the paper cup. NED Only once. It was a fraternity prank. I never saw him again. He gulps the water down, crumbles the cup in his hand. LOLA No, I mean... you're a cop and a lawyer. NED Oh. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of scum out there on the streets... but they all deserve a fair and costly trial. Ned turns, tries to casually "dunk" the crumpled cup in the waste basket. He misses. Laura enters with a huge pile of lawbooks in her arms. She sees Ned miss the basket and darts over as he bends down to pick it up. LAURA I'll get that. She picks it up and tosses it into the waste basket. NED Oh... Laura... this is, uh... LOLA Lola Cain. Laura sets the heavy load of books on the desk and steps toward Lola, extending her hand. Lola takes her time removing the long white glove... finally reaching out and shaking Laura's hand with a condescending air. LOLA (sarcastic) So lovely to meet you, Laura. Ned grabs the books and turns to the bookshelf, replacing each lawbook in its proper slot. The "handshake" between Lola and Laura turns tense, then aggressive, eventually becoming a "standing Indian wrestle" as they try to force each other off balance with sheer force. Ned is oblivious to the battle behind him, chattering away. NED Gotta keep these darn books in their right place or we'll never find the ones we need. Let's see, Q thru M... R thru B... W thru F... Laura suddenly whirls Lola around, putting her in an arm lock. But Lola elbows Laura in the stomach! Laura doubles over. Lola feigns sympathy, taking her hand... then spins, twisting Laura's arm, flipping her head over heels! Laura lands on the couch... upside down... gasping. Lola strikes a haughty pose, still holding her lit cigarette. She takes a drag. Laura checks her watch, then tumbles off the couch, landing on her feet. She straightens her skirt. LAURA It's getting late. I'll give you a ride home, Ned. Finished with the books, Ned turns... smiles. NED I have my car. LAURA I'll tow you. NED Not today. You don't need to wait. I'll see you tomorrow. Lola looks at Laura... icy, haughty, triumphant. Laura moves reluctantly toward the door, sees the lock and door frame chewed to pieces... whirls around, heads back toward Ned. LAURA I should call someone to fix this... NED Tomorrow... She instantly spins around, heads back toward the door... LAURA I'll call from home. ...and exits. Ned sits down on the corner of the desk. Lola sits in the chair across from him. LOLA I think I should warn you, Mr. Ravine... I'm not wearing any underwear. She crosses her legs suggestively... then slowly, enticingly, re-crosses them in the other direction. Unimpressed, Ned opens Laura's desk drawer... pulls a pair of sexy lace panties from a Kleenex-style dispenser box labeled "PANDORA'S POP-UP PANTIES"... which pulls another pair up into position. He tosses the panties to Lola. NED Try these on. She does... very, very slowly and seductively... as they talk. NED So... what can I do for you? LOLA I've run across some... papers... and I thought you might be able to tell me what they are. You see, I'm not very experienced when it comes to... papers. NED I'll help you Miss Cain, if I'm able. Do you have the... papers... here? LOLA No... they're at home. I thought you might stop by... NED I'm on duty tonight. LOLA Don't they ever give you a night off? NED Yeah. Tomorrow. LOLA (picks up cigarette) Why don't we meet tomorrow evening then? She finishes pulling the panties on with a sultry smile... "snapping" the elastic waistband. She goes to the door, pauses... turns to him. LOLA I'll let you know where. NED (steps over to her) What's wrong with my office? She looks around, exhaling another cloud of smoke. LOLA Nothing a good interior decorator couldn't fix. She opens the door. Behind her, in the hall, we see Dizzy, the saxophone player, wailing away on "Lola's Theme." CLOSE ON LOLA She takes a final, long drag on her cigarette, then reaches O.S. with it... toward Ned. LOLA Take care of this for me, will ya? With a sultry smile, she turns and leaves, closing the door. ANGLE ON NED The cigarette is stuck in his nose. INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT The front door swings open. Frank is standing there, dressed in a cheap, loose-fitting suit and a T-shirt. FRANK I came back for my shower cap. Lana, now wearing the diaphanous gown, pulls him inside. She kisses him hungrily, slipping a frilly plastic shower cap with a gaudy floral design on his head. LANA Yeah, well you came to the right place. She walks to the living room. Frank follows, still wearing the shower cap. Lana snaps her fingers. LANA Sit down. He sits in a chair, looking around. FRANK Where is he? LANA On duty all night. By the time he wraps up his reports, it'll be close to noon tomorrow. She sits on the couch, picks up a stack of papers. LANA I was just reading over... She looks up at Frank. Sees the shower cap. LANA Take off the hat, Frank. He slips the shower cap off as Lana continues. LANA I was just reading over my husband's insurance policies. You wouldn't know anything about insurance, would you, Frankie? FRANK Yeah, matter of fact, I sell policies part-time. I got half a brain... or didn't you notice? LANA I musta had my eye on something else. (hands him papers) How about a translation. He flips through, scanning the pages, shrugging. FRANK Standard accident policy... all the usual stuff... blah, blah, blah. The face value is... Wow. Not bad. Three million bucks! (flips page) And there's a triple indemnity rider. LANA Meaning? FRANK Aw, it's just something agents throw in so we can boost the premium. If the policy holder dies under very specific conditions, it pays off three times the face value of the policy. LANA Nine million dollars...? FRANK Yeah... but it's a sure bet for the company. Nobody ever collects. LANA Why not? FRANK Well, like here... it only pays off if he's shot with a pistol, falls from a moving northbound train and drowns in a fresh water stream. LANA All three? FRANK See what I mean, sweetheart? What are the odds of that? LANA It could happen. (dramatic beat) Suppose it did happen? FRANK Then you'd be rich. LANA Then we'd be rich. FRANK What're you sayin'...? She drops to her knees in front of him, her face close to his, speaking with a persuasive urgency. LANA We're gonna kill the son-of-a-bitch! And I know exactly how! He has a legal symposium in Santa Barbara this weekend... All we have to do is get him to take the train up instead of driving. FRANK How we gonna do that? Didn't you tell me he hates trains? LANA That's where you come in, baby. You're gonna rig his car so it doesn't work. That should be no problem for you. She gets up, walks to the adjoining room... snapping her fingers at her side. He follows. She steps to a table, pulls the cover off an elaborate scale- model of Dealey Plaza and a train station, complete with HO- Scale model trains chugging around the tracks. She uses a pointer to trace the route to the depot. LANA Then... we give him a lift to the train station... through Dealey Plaza, past the Book Suppository and around the grassy knoll... FRANK Isn't that out of our way? Ignoring this, she turns the LIGHTS OFF, walks over to a screen and picks up a remote control. She clicks the button. A SLIDE PROJECTOR comes on, throwing an IMAGE on Frank's back. We can read the words: THE PLAN. LANA Move, Frank. He moves over. "THE PLAN" appears on the screen. LANA And pay attention. As she talks, IMAGES appear on the screen, accompanying her rapid spiel. We see: a shot of the depot, a map of the rail route, a gun, a river, a Bingo game, baseball action and a huge dollar sign! LANA Ten minutes out of the station he'll be standing in the vestibule between cars... trying to avoid a panic attack. Fourteen minutes and ten seconds out, the train crosses the Santa Ynez River. So at thirteen minutes and fifty-four seconds, I shoot him, shove him out the door... he hits the river and drowns. Bingo! A triple play. We're rich! The lights click ON. FRANK You been thinking about this a lot, haven't you? LANA No. It just came to me. (closer, seductive) I had this image of a big, powerful, throbbing train... plunging into a long, dark, wet tunnel. They embrace, kissing passionately, dropping out of frame. The model train CHUGS faster, the train whistle SHRIEKING a long "Woooooooo-woooooooooo!"... racing into a model tunnel. INT. POLICE STATION - SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT Ned and Arch drag in a bunch of bad-ass, multi-ethnic GANG MEMBERS they've just busted. Ned angrily shoves one of the toughest gang members against the wall... losing his cool. NED Stand over there and shut up! GANG MEMBER #1 Hey, man, we got rights! Don't you be layin' no deleterious malfeasance on us. Ned goes ballistic and slams him into the wall again! NED Watch your mouth, punk! I don't want to hear language like that! Arch grabs Ned by the shoulder, pulling him back, calming him. ARCH Whoa, hold on, hoss! Take it easy. You seem a little tense tonight. What is it? Ned regains his composure. He's depressed. NED Aw... I don't know. I guess it's Lana. It's just... I know she wants to have a baby so bad... Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. NED ...but I never get to spend any time with her. And when I am home... it's like she's, you know... avoiding sex. Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. GANG MEMBER #1 You should try to be more sensitive, man. More romantic. Bring her flowers. He steps between them, putting his arm around Ned's shoulder. GANG MEMBER #1 Try to understand how she feels. After all... He steps back, begins to SING "Try A Little Tenderness"... GANG MEMBER #1 She may be weary... Women do get weary... Wearing that same old shabby dress... But when she's weary... Try a little ten-der-ness... The other Gang Members join in on the SECOND VERSE with a sweet, mellow street-corner harmony as back-up... and some smooth group choreography. The COPS on duty listen raptly, getting maudlin and dewey- eyed. Tears roll down the cheeks of the BOOKING SERGEANT. The lights dim. A big, gruff COP makes eyes at a HOOKER being booked... and they start to slow dance. Arch watches all this with a sentimental smile, munching on his Nachos. When the song ends, Arch puts a comforting hand, covered with Nacho cheese, on Ned's shoulder. NED That can't be it. I'm the tenderest guy on the force. Nah... I think she's just afraid she won't be able to get pregnant. ARCH What's to be afraid! It's like making breakfast! You bring home the bacon... she's got the eggs. Ya scramble it up. Ba-da-boom ba-da-bing! She's got an omelette in the oven! (a beat, then) Why don't you knock off early... go home. It'd be nice for Lana to wake up in the morning and find you there for a change. NED Naw... I can't. I got all this paperwork. ARCH Don't worry about that. GANG MEMBER #1 We'll do our own paperwork, man! OTHER GANG MEMBERS Yeah! We'll fill out all that shit. Ned nods, smiles and gratefully "high-fives" the Gang Members as he heads for the door. INT. THE HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT The house is dark. A key turns in the lock and Ned enters. IN THE BEDROOM It's dark. Ned quietly undresses and slips into bed. INT. BEDROOM - CLOSE ON LANA - DAWN Sunlight creeps through the windows. Lana's eyes flutter open. She sees Ned beside her... sleeping. Suddenly, it hits her. She turns! Frank is on the other side, curled up, snoring. She's laying between both men! Lana elbows Frank. He stirs, groggy. She covers his mouth... indicating Ned. Frank's eyes bug out! He slips out of bed. The bed frame SQUEAKS LOUDLY! Frank freezes. Ned sleeps on steadily. Frank grabs his clothes. An unending torrent of coins fall out of his pants pockets, CLANGING on the floor! He freezes. Ned sleeps on. Frank retrieves the coins, clumsily stepping on the TV REMOTE CONTROL. A high-tech, sleekly designed TELEVISION MONITOR rises up... clicks ON. Frank tries frantically to push the set down, but it keeps rising into position. An IMAGE appears. It's WILLARD SCOTT, doing the weather on the TODAY SHOW. Frank grabs the remote control, frantically pounding on all the buttons. The VOLUME goes up... SOUND BLASTING! WILLARD SCOTT (on television) ...and Mrs. Prudy Ann Camomile of Delphi, Georgia is one-hundred and thirteen! What a gorgeous hunk of female! Smokes three cigars a day, drinks a straight shot of vodka at bedtime... and still has sex! The alarm clock goes off, CLANGING LOUDLY! Lana dives for it, slamming her hand down, killing the alarm. Going for a double-play, she flings the clock at the TV, nailing the on/off switch! Silence. Ned is still out cold. Frank moves toward the door... but with each step the floor CREAKS LOUDLY! He turns the knob. It CLUNKS! He pulls the door open v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y and it CRE-E-E-E-A-K-S like the piercing metal brakes of a train! He blows Lana a kiss, then pulls the door closed very gently. It sticks. He pulls harder. The knob pops off in his hand and he falls backward, tumbling down the stairs with a HUGE RACKET! Ned doesn't stir. Finally it's SILENT. Lana exhales. A SMALL BIRD lands on the sill of the open window, trilling a sweet little "CHIRP." Ned sits bolt upright, irritated. NED Damn birds! He grabs his shoe, heaving it toward the open window. EXT. NED'S HOUSE - MORNING Frank glances back up at the bedroom window with an arrogant smirk. WHAP! Ned's shoe hits him right in the face! EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY Ned comes down the courthouse steps. He pauses in the street, glimpsing the back of a WOMAN passing nearby... a STUNNING BLOND decked out in a clinging dress and fashionable hat... a long strip of toilet paper trailing from her high heel shoe. It must be LOLA. He turns to watch her. A HORN BLARES! BRAKES SCREECH! The SOUND OVERLAPS to... INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - DAY The door opens. Ned enters, looking terrible. Suit ripped, hair messed up, bruised and battered, briefcase crushed. LAURA My God, Ned... you look like you were hit by a bus. NED I was. (notices) Who's in my office? LAURA Max Shady's mother. NED Not again. INSIDE THE OFFICE MRS. SHADY, an older woman with a pleasant appearance, sits in an overstuffed leather chair. Ned and Laura enter. NED Hello, Mrs. Shady. Ned goes straight to his office closet, pulls out an identical blue suit... and starts stripping off his tattered clothes. NED Laura... check on my insurance. Make sure it's paid up. Laura reluctantly returns to the outer office. MRS. SHADY Good idea, Mr. Ravine. My son, Max, is getting out of prison tomorrow. NED (checks his watch) Gee, has it been seven years already? MRS. SHADY Seven long, miserable years in the slammer. And he's a bit pissed off. NED Well, being locked in a tiny room with no TV can make a guy feel pretty tense. MRS. SHADY I'm very concerned about him, Mr. Ravine. He said you were a two-bit shyster... and he's going to rip your head off and use it for a bowling ball! He goes to her, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder, looking her right in the eye, attempting to provide solace. NED I'm sure the experience wasn't all negative. He probably made a lot of friends... MRS. SHADY (ever hopeful) You think? NED ...learned a useful trade... MRS. SHADY Oh yes... live autopsies... NED ...caught up on all those books he wanted to read... She struggles to her feet feebly... MRS. SHADY Maybe so... but he said he's going to punch you in the testicles... She hauls off and PUNCHES him like a pile driver! WHAM! He doubles over, gasping. MRS. SHADY ...smash your face... She KNEES him in the face, raising him up... then nails him with a devastating RIGHT CROSS, spinning him around. He collapses over the desk. MRS. SHADY ...and decimate your wardrobe. She grabs the tail of his suit jacket and rips it up the back! MRS. SHADY And I wouldn't want that to happen. (spanks his butt) He's a naughty naughty boy. I just thought I should warn you. She turns and shuffles out, passing through the outer office. MRS. SHADY (to Laura) Bye for now. (pauses by desk) Oh... may I have a cookie? LAURA (at file cabinet) Sure. She grabs a handful of cookies and casually flings them at Laura... as she heads out the door. MRS. SHADY Thank yooooooooou. Laura rushes into Ned's office with the file folder. He staggers unsteadily by the desk. LAURA Oh my God, Ned. NED I hate when she comes to see me. LAURA Don't you realize, Ned?... you could be in real danger. NED (sees file) What's that? LAURA Extreme peril. You know, the risk of personal bodily harm. NED (points at file) No... I mean that. LAURA Your insurance file. But the policy's missing. Did you take it home? NED I don't think so. Laura looks puzzled... wondering where it might be. Then... LAURA Oh, wait a second... She goes to her desk in the outer office, digs through a drawer. Suddenly, she GASPS! She is holding... A FRAMED PHOTOGRAPH of her abusive HUSBAND... sneering. A circle has been drawn around his head with lipstick and a diagonal line slashed across his face. MATCH DISSOLVE TO: FLASHBACK HER HUSBAND'S FACE peers out through a sailboat porthole at stormy seas. A piece of masking tape stuck to the glass matches the diagonal line. INT. CABIN OF SAILBOAT - NIGHT Laura's Husband turns from the porthole. Laura cowers. The boat pitches and heaves, disturbing all the neatly hung towels, emblazoned with MINE - MINE - MINE across the bottom edge. Laura's Husband reacts with a crazed look in his eyes. Laura makes a break for it, running up on deck. EXT. SAILBOAT IN STORM - NIGHT Laura's Husband scrambles up onto the deck, looking fore and aft. Laura's vanished! He looks out to sea, calling... LAURA'S HUSBAND Lau-raaaaa! EXT. BEACH - NIGHT Laura paddles ashore, grasping a little kid's inflatable float ring. She struggles onto the sand and looks out to sea, triumphant... tossing the plastic float aside. MONTAGE - ULTRA CONTEMPO BEACH HOUSE - NIGHT -- Laura rushes in, tracking water all through the house. -- Laura cuts an inch of hair from her amazingly long, very wet tresses, then puts on a WIG... that is also LONG and WET! -- Laura retrieves a bra and a package of Twinkies from a secret hiding place... and stuffs them into a small brown paper bag. -- Laura hurriedly mops up her water tracks, then... -- She uses an industrial buffer to wax the hardwood floor. -- Laura removes her wedding ring... throws it in the toilet. She reaches for the handle to flush it... hesitates, seeing the "CONSERVE WATER - THIS MEANS YOU!" sticker on the toilet. She reaches into the bowl and retrieves the ring. -- On the deck, Laura throws the wedding ring toward the ocean. A SEAGULL swoops down, snatching it in mid-air and flies off. OMIT Sequence omitted from original script. -- In the bathroom... the Seagull flies in through the open window, lands on the back of the toilet and drops the ring... into the toilet bowl! EXT. THE BEACH - NEXT MORNING Laura's Husband reaches into the surf and picks up the deflated float ring. He looks at it with a cruel sneer. INT. BEACH HOUSE - BATHROOM Laura's Husband fishes Laura's wedding ring out of the toilet bowl... looking off with demonic rage! END FLASHBACK MONTAGE THE CAMERA PULLS BACK from Laura's SCREAMING mouth! Her eyes are filled with pure terror! A GIGANTIC wave of WATER splashes in her face! We see Ned... holding a tiny empty paper cup in his hand. Laura is completely drenched! NED Laura! Are you alright? That was a very long flashback you had. She snaps out of it, sputtering. LAURA Yes... I know. It's okay. I'm just a little... pre-menstrual. She goes to her desk, still upset. She picks up the message spike and turns to Ned. LAURA That Lola Cain... "person"... stopped by. She left this! She thrusts it toward Ned's face! There's a business card stuck on the end. He pulls it off. ANGLE - CLOSE ON BUSINESS CARD It reads: LE HOT CLUB! No Air Conditioning... And Proud Of It! Scribbled next to it is the message... "Meet me at 7:30". The edges of the card are scorched. INT. LE HOT CLUB - NIGHT It's dark, seductive, smoky, crowded... and HOT. Everybody is dripping with sweat and holding unlit cigarettes. Ned enters, sees Lola sitting on a stool at the bar, one leg crossed provocatively over the other. A beer can is stuck to the gum on the bottom of her shoe. It falls off with a CLUNK. He sits on the stool next to her. She looks at him, smiles. NED Oh yeah, before I forget... you asked me to take care of this. He reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a LIT CIGARETTE. It has a very long ash. LOLA Thanks... She takes it... inhales a drag, then lets the smoke flow out through her smile. It flows out for a loooooooooong time! More smoke than she could ever have inhaled. Then... NED You smoke too much. (looks around, then) It's hot tonight. LOLA Is it? I never know. My body heat runs about twenty degrees above normal. He notices the drink in her hand is BOILING. A saxophone begins to softly wail Lola's Theme. Ned looks over to see a QUARTET, featuring Dizzy on sax. The GUITARIST spontaneously bursts into FLAME! A FIREMAN, in full gear, jumps up from the bar and puts out the blaze with a fire extinguisher. None of the band members miss a beat. NED Maybe we should look for a cooler place. LOLA I doubt we'll find one. Even the wind chimes on my porch aren't moving much these days. They keep thudding softly, like dairy cows bumping butts in the night. I go out there expecting to find a cool breeze... but it's just a lot of hot air. Ned glances at the MALE CUSTOMERS... sitting at the bar across from them. They're staring coldly at Ned. NED What're they lookin' at? LOLA A lot of them have tried that seat. You're the first one's lasted this long. NED I feel honored. LOLA Don't. It's broken. A beat of realization, then the stool collapses with a CRASH! Ned pulls himself back up and drags another stool over. NED Did you bring the... papers? LOLA No. I thought you might come over... NED Sure. I'll drive you. LOLA I brought my own car. NED I'll follow you then. LOLA I know it sounds silly, but would you leave first... wait in your car? I come here a lot and I wouldn't want those men to think I'm "easy"... a slut who'll jump into bed with anyone at the drop of a hat. But if you leave first... NED ...they'll think I'm a putz for passing up a sure thing. Lola stares at Ned for a long moment... then SLAPS his face. He doesn't move, remaining staunchly macho. Then, suddenly, she SLUGS HIM so hard it knocks him over the top of the bar! LOLA (for all to hear) Now leave me alone! She pauses to give him a flicker of a COY SMILE... then picks up her drink and moves to a nearby table. Ned struggles to his feet and staggers to the door. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Ned is a mess! Blood trickles from the side of his mouth. Shirt soaked in sweat. He turns the radio ON. LOLA'S THEME starts playing. A small ceiling fan hangs from the interior roof of his car, turning slowly. The venetian blinds on his side windows are partially open, letting in slashes of dramatic light. ANGLE - HIS POV OF ROAD He's following Lola's car. It signals and turns left. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Still hot, Ned pulls the chain on the ceiling fan. It spins faster. MUCH faster! The car becomes like a wind tunnel! EXT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT The two cars enter a long drive, coming to a stop near a large two story house surrounded by lush greenery. Ned climbs out... his wind-blown hair flattened on one side and sticking out crazily. ANGLE - LOLA'S CAR DOOR - NED'S POV It opens. Lola's legs swing out. The CAMERA PANS DOWN her long legs to her feet. The car floormat is stuck to one shoe. She casually shakes it off... going to the front door. INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT They enter. It's DARK. Ned squints into the shadows. NED Well, here we are... in the dark. LOLA I have The Clapper. NED You what? Lola CLAPS her hands twice and all the LIGHTS COME ON. She smiles at him... drops her car keys on the hall table, then goes up the stairs. Ned drops his car keys on the table too and follows her. EXT. PORCH OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola clicks on a porch light. She and Ned step out. Dozens of small boxes hang around the perimeter of the porch. LOLA My wind chimes. Ned steps over, running his hands along the boxes. They "thud" against each other. NED You know, these would work a lot better if you took them out of the boxes. He slips several boxes off, releasing clusters of the metal chimes. They "tinkle" and "clang" melodically in the breeze. LOLA Well well... I guess you have been around. I'm impressed. She moves close, coming on to him. Ned feels uneasy. NED Why don't we take a look at those... papers? LOLA (remembering) Papers. Right. INT. DRESSING AREA OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola comes in, looks around, then down. She removes her shoe, pulling off two scraps of paper stuck to the gum on her heel. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Ned is looking through a book... "KAMIKAZE KAMA SUTRA - The Encyclopedia of Deadly Sexual Positions." Lola comes back in, hands Ned the two scraps of paper. NED That's it? These are the... papers? LOLA Yes. They're so confusing to me. Can you tell me what they are? He checks them out... shrugs. It's obvious. NED This one's a laundry receipt... and the other one's an expired lottery ticket. He hands them back to her, but she gently pushes them away. LOLA No. You keep them... as a memento of our time together. She slips them into his jacket pocket... then sensuously slides her hands around him, grabbing his buns, pulling him closer. LOLA I'm so grateful. How can I ever repay you for all you've done? NED Cash would be nice. LOLA Isn't there some other way? NED I suppose you could wash my car. LOLA No, I mean, isn't there something else you want? Something I could give you? She seductively starts to slide the jacket off his shoulders. NED Hey... slow down... there's a speed limit in this state. Sixty-five miles an hour. LOLA How fast was I going, officer? NED Oh, about a hundred and twenty-three. LOLA Suppose you pull me over and frisk me? NED Suppose I let you off with a warning? LOLA Suppose I find a cop with a bigger nightstick? NED Suppose I put you under arrest for being a bad girl with bad thoughts? LOLA Suppose you handcuff me to the bed? NED (rapid run-on) Suppose I do and then we lose the key and while I'm gone to get a duplicate made the house catches on fire and I can't get back to save you because the bridge is washed out and so you die a horrible death toasted like a Polish sausage on a flaming spit! (shakes his head) Nah... I better be going. He turns and leaves. She is stunned, confused, breathless. EXT. FRONT DOOR - NIGHT Ned opens the door, pauses, turns... as Lola joins him there. She looks into his eyes with desire. LOLA You're not so tough. Last chance. She moves her lips close to his, about to kiss him. Then... NED No thanks. I got a cold shower and a wife who trusts me waiting at home. LOLA What's the matter? Don't you want me? It's the way I look, isn't it? He steps out, pauses... turns to her. NED Don't forget to lock up. Ned pulls the door shut. The lock CLICKS. He pauses by his car, realizing | suitcase | How many times the word 'suitcase' appears in the text? | 0 |
woman can do... with a bobbie pin. Ned looks at the door. The frame and lock have been brutally chewed away, as if someone used a jackhammer on them! She pulls out a pack of cigarettes... BLACK LUNG LITES. LOLA (offering) Cigarette? NED No... thanks. They're bad for ya. He goes to the water cooler. She lights up, exhaling a soft cloud of smoke through a sleepy smile, her voice purring. LOLA Yes, I know. I like things that are bad for me. (touching lawbooks) So... I hear you go both ways. Ned hesitates... about to drink from the paper cup. NED Only once. It was a fraternity prank. I never saw him again. He gulps the water down, crumbles the cup in his hand. LOLA No, I mean... you're a cop and a lawyer. NED Oh. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of scum out there on the streets... but they all deserve a fair and costly trial. Ned turns, tries to casually "dunk" the crumpled cup in the waste basket. He misses. Laura enters with a huge pile of lawbooks in her arms. She sees Ned miss the basket and darts over as he bends down to pick it up. LAURA I'll get that. She picks it up and tosses it into the waste basket. NED Oh... Laura... this is, uh... LOLA Lola Cain. Laura sets the heavy load of books on the desk and steps toward Lola, extending her hand. Lola takes her time removing the long white glove... finally reaching out and shaking Laura's hand with a condescending air. LOLA (sarcastic) So lovely to meet you, Laura. Ned grabs the books and turns to the bookshelf, replacing each lawbook in its proper slot. The "handshake" between Lola and Laura turns tense, then aggressive, eventually becoming a "standing Indian wrestle" as they try to force each other off balance with sheer force. Ned is oblivious to the battle behind him, chattering away. NED Gotta keep these darn books in their right place or we'll never find the ones we need. Let's see, Q thru M... R thru B... W thru F... Laura suddenly whirls Lola around, putting her in an arm lock. But Lola elbows Laura in the stomach! Laura doubles over. Lola feigns sympathy, taking her hand... then spins, twisting Laura's arm, flipping her head over heels! Laura lands on the couch... upside down... gasping. Lola strikes a haughty pose, still holding her lit cigarette. She takes a drag. Laura checks her watch, then tumbles off the couch, landing on her feet. She straightens her skirt. LAURA It's getting late. I'll give you a ride home, Ned. Finished with the books, Ned turns... smiles. NED I have my car. LAURA I'll tow you. NED Not today. You don't need to wait. I'll see you tomorrow. Lola looks at Laura... icy, haughty, triumphant. Laura moves reluctantly toward the door, sees the lock and door frame chewed to pieces... whirls around, heads back toward Ned. LAURA I should call someone to fix this... NED Tomorrow... She instantly spins around, heads back toward the door... LAURA I'll call from home. ...and exits. Ned sits down on the corner of the desk. Lola sits in the chair across from him. LOLA I think I should warn you, Mr. Ravine... I'm not wearing any underwear. She crosses her legs suggestively... then slowly, enticingly, re-crosses them in the other direction. Unimpressed, Ned opens Laura's desk drawer... pulls a pair of sexy lace panties from a Kleenex-style dispenser box labeled "PANDORA'S POP-UP PANTIES"... which pulls another pair up into position. He tosses the panties to Lola. NED Try these on. She does... very, very slowly and seductively... as they talk. NED So... what can I do for you? LOLA I've run across some... papers... and I thought you might be able to tell me what they are. You see, I'm not very experienced when it comes to... papers. NED I'll help you Miss Cain, if I'm able. Do you have the... papers... here? LOLA No... they're at home. I thought you might stop by... NED I'm on duty tonight. LOLA Don't they ever give you a night off? NED Yeah. Tomorrow. LOLA (picks up cigarette) Why don't we meet tomorrow evening then? She finishes pulling the panties on with a sultry smile... "snapping" the elastic waistband. She goes to the door, pauses... turns to him. LOLA I'll let you know where. NED (steps over to her) What's wrong with my office? She looks around, exhaling another cloud of smoke. LOLA Nothing a good interior decorator couldn't fix. She opens the door. Behind her, in the hall, we see Dizzy, the saxophone player, wailing away on "Lola's Theme." CLOSE ON LOLA She takes a final, long drag on her cigarette, then reaches O.S. with it... toward Ned. LOLA Take care of this for me, will ya? With a sultry smile, she turns and leaves, closing the door. ANGLE ON NED The cigarette is stuck in his nose. INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT The front door swings open. Frank is standing there, dressed in a cheap, loose-fitting suit and a T-shirt. FRANK I came back for my shower cap. Lana, now wearing the diaphanous gown, pulls him inside. She kisses him hungrily, slipping a frilly plastic shower cap with a gaudy floral design on his head. LANA Yeah, well you came to the right place. She walks to the living room. Frank follows, still wearing the shower cap. Lana snaps her fingers. LANA Sit down. He sits in a chair, looking around. FRANK Where is he? LANA On duty all night. By the time he wraps up his reports, it'll be close to noon tomorrow. She sits on the couch, picks up a stack of papers. LANA I was just reading over... She looks up at Frank. Sees the shower cap. LANA Take off the hat, Frank. He slips the shower cap off as Lana continues. LANA I was just reading over my husband's insurance policies. You wouldn't know anything about insurance, would you, Frankie? FRANK Yeah, matter of fact, I sell policies part-time. I got half a brain... or didn't you notice? LANA I musta had my eye on something else. (hands him papers) How about a translation. He flips through, scanning the pages, shrugging. FRANK Standard accident policy... all the usual stuff... blah, blah, blah. The face value is... Wow. Not bad. Three million bucks! (flips page) And there's a triple indemnity rider. LANA Meaning? FRANK Aw, it's just something agents throw in so we can boost the premium. If the policy holder dies under very specific conditions, it pays off three times the face value of the policy. LANA Nine million dollars...? FRANK Yeah... but it's a sure bet for the company. Nobody ever collects. LANA Why not? FRANK Well, like here... it only pays off if he's shot with a pistol, falls from a moving northbound train and drowns in a fresh water stream. LANA All three? FRANK See what I mean, sweetheart? What are the odds of that? LANA It could happen. (dramatic beat) Suppose it did happen? FRANK Then you'd be rich. LANA Then we'd be rich. FRANK What're you sayin'...? She drops to her knees in front of him, her face close to his, speaking with a persuasive urgency. LANA We're gonna kill the son-of-a-bitch! And I know exactly how! He has a legal symposium in Santa Barbara this weekend... All we have to do is get him to take the train up instead of driving. FRANK How we gonna do that? Didn't you tell me he hates trains? LANA That's where you come in, baby. You're gonna rig his car so it doesn't work. That should be no problem for you. She gets up, walks to the adjoining room... snapping her fingers at her side. He follows. She steps to a table, pulls the cover off an elaborate scale- model of Dealey Plaza and a train station, complete with HO- Scale model trains chugging around the tracks. She uses a pointer to trace the route to the depot. LANA Then... we give him a lift to the train station... through Dealey Plaza, past the Book Suppository and around the grassy knoll... FRANK Isn't that out of our way? Ignoring this, she turns the LIGHTS OFF, walks over to a screen and picks up a remote control. She clicks the button. A SLIDE PROJECTOR comes on, throwing an IMAGE on Frank's back. We can read the words: THE PLAN. LANA Move, Frank. He moves over. "THE PLAN" appears on the screen. LANA And pay attention. As she talks, IMAGES appear on the screen, accompanying her rapid spiel. We see: a shot of the depot, a map of the rail route, a gun, a river, a Bingo game, baseball action and a huge dollar sign! LANA Ten minutes out of the station he'll be standing in the vestibule between cars... trying to avoid a panic attack. Fourteen minutes and ten seconds out, the train crosses the Santa Ynez River. So at thirteen minutes and fifty-four seconds, I shoot him, shove him out the door... he hits the river and drowns. Bingo! A triple play. We're rich! The lights click ON. FRANK You been thinking about this a lot, haven't you? LANA No. It just came to me. (closer, seductive) I had this image of a big, powerful, throbbing train... plunging into a long, dark, wet tunnel. They embrace, kissing passionately, dropping out of frame. The model train CHUGS faster, the train whistle SHRIEKING a long "Woooooooo-woooooooooo!"... racing into a model tunnel. INT. POLICE STATION - SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT Ned and Arch drag in a bunch of bad-ass, multi-ethnic GANG MEMBERS they've just busted. Ned angrily shoves one of the toughest gang members against the wall... losing his cool. NED Stand over there and shut up! GANG MEMBER #1 Hey, man, we got rights! Don't you be layin' no deleterious malfeasance on us. Ned goes ballistic and slams him into the wall again! NED Watch your mouth, punk! I don't want to hear language like that! Arch grabs Ned by the shoulder, pulling him back, calming him. ARCH Whoa, hold on, hoss! Take it easy. You seem a little tense tonight. What is it? Ned regains his composure. He's depressed. NED Aw... I don't know. I guess it's Lana. It's just... I know she wants to have a baby so bad... Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. NED ...but I never get to spend any time with her. And when I am home... it's like she's, you know... avoiding sex. Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. GANG MEMBER #1 You should try to be more sensitive, man. More romantic. Bring her flowers. He steps between them, putting his arm around Ned's shoulder. GANG MEMBER #1 Try to understand how she feels. After all... He steps back, begins to SING "Try A Little Tenderness"... GANG MEMBER #1 She may be weary... Women do get weary... Wearing that same old shabby dress... But when she's weary... Try a little ten-der-ness... The other Gang Members join in on the SECOND VERSE with a sweet, mellow street-corner harmony as back-up... and some smooth group choreography. The COPS on duty listen raptly, getting maudlin and dewey- eyed. Tears roll down the cheeks of the BOOKING SERGEANT. The lights dim. A big, gruff COP makes eyes at a HOOKER being booked... and they start to slow dance. Arch watches all this with a sentimental smile, munching on his Nachos. When the song ends, Arch puts a comforting hand, covered with Nacho cheese, on Ned's shoulder. NED That can't be it. I'm the tenderest guy on the force. Nah... I think she's just afraid she won't be able to get pregnant. ARCH What's to be afraid! It's like making breakfast! You bring home the bacon... she's got the eggs. Ya scramble it up. Ba-da-boom ba-da-bing! She's got an omelette in the oven! (a beat, then) Why don't you knock off early... go home. It'd be nice for Lana to wake up in the morning and find you there for a change. NED Naw... I can't. I got all this paperwork. ARCH Don't worry about that. GANG MEMBER #1 We'll do our own paperwork, man! OTHER GANG MEMBERS Yeah! We'll fill out all that shit. Ned nods, smiles and gratefully "high-fives" the Gang Members as he heads for the door. INT. THE HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT The house is dark. A key turns in the lock and Ned enters. IN THE BEDROOM It's dark. Ned quietly undresses and slips into bed. INT. BEDROOM - CLOSE ON LANA - DAWN Sunlight creeps through the windows. Lana's eyes flutter open. She sees Ned beside her... sleeping. Suddenly, it hits her. She turns! Frank is on the other side, curled up, snoring. She's laying between both men! Lana elbows Frank. He stirs, groggy. She covers his mouth... indicating Ned. Frank's eyes bug out! He slips out of bed. The bed frame SQUEAKS LOUDLY! Frank freezes. Ned sleeps on steadily. Frank grabs his clothes. An unending torrent of coins fall out of his pants pockets, CLANGING on the floor! He freezes. Ned sleeps on. Frank retrieves the coins, clumsily stepping on the TV REMOTE CONTROL. A high-tech, sleekly designed TELEVISION MONITOR rises up... clicks ON. Frank tries frantically to push the set down, but it keeps rising into position. An IMAGE appears. It's WILLARD SCOTT, doing the weather on the TODAY SHOW. Frank grabs the remote control, frantically pounding on all the buttons. The VOLUME goes up... SOUND BLASTING! WILLARD SCOTT (on television) ...and Mrs. Prudy Ann Camomile of Delphi, Georgia is one-hundred and thirteen! What a gorgeous hunk of female! Smokes three cigars a day, drinks a straight shot of vodka at bedtime... and still has sex! The alarm clock goes off, CLANGING LOUDLY! Lana dives for it, slamming her hand down, killing the alarm. Going for a double-play, she flings the clock at the TV, nailing the on/off switch! Silence. Ned is still out cold. Frank moves toward the door... but with each step the floor CREAKS LOUDLY! He turns the knob. It CLUNKS! He pulls the door open v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y and it CRE-E-E-E-A-K-S like the piercing metal brakes of a train! He blows Lana a kiss, then pulls the door closed very gently. It sticks. He pulls harder. The knob pops off in his hand and he falls backward, tumbling down the stairs with a HUGE RACKET! Ned doesn't stir. Finally it's SILENT. Lana exhales. A SMALL BIRD lands on the sill of the open window, trilling a sweet little "CHIRP." Ned sits bolt upright, irritated. NED Damn birds! He grabs his shoe, heaving it toward the open window. EXT. NED'S HOUSE - MORNING Frank glances back up at the bedroom window with an arrogant smirk. WHAP! Ned's shoe hits him right in the face! EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY Ned comes down the courthouse steps. He pauses in the street, glimpsing the back of a WOMAN passing nearby... a STUNNING BLOND decked out in a clinging dress and fashionable hat... a long strip of toilet paper trailing from her high heel shoe. It must be LOLA. He turns to watch her. A HORN BLARES! BRAKES SCREECH! The SOUND OVERLAPS to... INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - DAY The door opens. Ned enters, looking terrible. Suit ripped, hair messed up, bruised and battered, briefcase crushed. LAURA My God, Ned... you look like you were hit by a bus. NED I was. (notices) Who's in my office? LAURA Max Shady's mother. NED Not again. INSIDE THE OFFICE MRS. SHADY, an older woman with a pleasant appearance, sits in an overstuffed leather chair. Ned and Laura enter. NED Hello, Mrs. Shady. Ned goes straight to his office closet, pulls out an identical blue suit... and starts stripping off his tattered clothes. NED Laura... check on my insurance. Make sure it's paid up. Laura reluctantly returns to the outer office. MRS. SHADY Good idea, Mr. Ravine. My son, Max, is getting out of prison tomorrow. NED (checks his watch) Gee, has it been seven years already? MRS. SHADY Seven long, miserable years in the slammer. And he's a bit pissed off. NED Well, being locked in a tiny room with no TV can make a guy feel pretty tense. MRS. SHADY I'm very concerned about him, Mr. Ravine. He said you were a two-bit shyster... and he's going to rip your head off and use it for a bowling ball! He goes to her, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder, looking her right in the eye, attempting to provide solace. NED I'm sure the experience wasn't all negative. He probably made a lot of friends... MRS. SHADY (ever hopeful) You think? NED ...learned a useful trade... MRS. SHADY Oh yes... live autopsies... NED ...caught up on all those books he wanted to read... She struggles to her feet feebly... MRS. SHADY Maybe so... but he said he's going to punch you in the testicles... She hauls off and PUNCHES him like a pile driver! WHAM! He doubles over, gasping. MRS. SHADY ...smash your face... She KNEES him in the face, raising him up... then nails him with a devastating RIGHT CROSS, spinning him around. He collapses over the desk. MRS. SHADY ...and decimate your wardrobe. She grabs the tail of his suit jacket and rips it up the back! MRS. SHADY And I wouldn't want that to happen. (spanks his butt) He's a naughty naughty boy. I just thought I should warn you. She turns and shuffles out, passing through the outer office. MRS. SHADY (to Laura) Bye for now. (pauses by desk) Oh... may I have a cookie? LAURA (at file cabinet) Sure. She grabs a handful of cookies and casually flings them at Laura... as she heads out the door. MRS. SHADY Thank yooooooooou. Laura rushes into Ned's office with the file folder. He staggers unsteadily by the desk. LAURA Oh my God, Ned. NED I hate when she comes to see me. LAURA Don't you realize, Ned?... you could be in real danger. NED (sees file) What's that? LAURA Extreme peril. You know, the risk of personal bodily harm. NED (points at file) No... I mean that. LAURA Your insurance file. But the policy's missing. Did you take it home? NED I don't think so. Laura looks puzzled... wondering where it might be. Then... LAURA Oh, wait a second... She goes to her desk in the outer office, digs through a drawer. Suddenly, she GASPS! She is holding... A FRAMED PHOTOGRAPH of her abusive HUSBAND... sneering. A circle has been drawn around his head with lipstick and a diagonal line slashed across his face. MATCH DISSOLVE TO: FLASHBACK HER HUSBAND'S FACE peers out through a sailboat porthole at stormy seas. A piece of masking tape stuck to the glass matches the diagonal line. INT. CABIN OF SAILBOAT - NIGHT Laura's Husband turns from the porthole. Laura cowers. The boat pitches and heaves, disturbing all the neatly hung towels, emblazoned with MINE - MINE - MINE across the bottom edge. Laura's Husband reacts with a crazed look in his eyes. Laura makes a break for it, running up on deck. EXT. SAILBOAT IN STORM - NIGHT Laura's Husband scrambles up onto the deck, looking fore and aft. Laura's vanished! He looks out to sea, calling... LAURA'S HUSBAND Lau-raaaaa! EXT. BEACH - NIGHT Laura paddles ashore, grasping a little kid's inflatable float ring. She struggles onto the sand and looks out to sea, triumphant... tossing the plastic float aside. MONTAGE - ULTRA CONTEMPO BEACH HOUSE - NIGHT -- Laura rushes in, tracking water all through the house. -- Laura cuts an inch of hair from her amazingly long, very wet tresses, then puts on a WIG... that is also LONG and WET! -- Laura retrieves a bra and a package of Twinkies from a secret hiding place... and stuffs them into a small brown paper bag. -- Laura hurriedly mops up her water tracks, then... -- She uses an industrial buffer to wax the hardwood floor. -- Laura removes her wedding ring... throws it in the toilet. She reaches for the handle to flush it... hesitates, seeing the "CONSERVE WATER - THIS MEANS YOU!" sticker on the toilet. She reaches into the bowl and retrieves the ring. -- On the deck, Laura throws the wedding ring toward the ocean. A SEAGULL swoops down, snatching it in mid-air and flies off. OMIT Sequence omitted from original script. -- In the bathroom... the Seagull flies in through the open window, lands on the back of the toilet and drops the ring... into the toilet bowl! EXT. THE BEACH - NEXT MORNING Laura's Husband reaches into the surf and picks up the deflated float ring. He looks at it with a cruel sneer. INT. BEACH HOUSE - BATHROOM Laura's Husband fishes Laura's wedding ring out of the toilet bowl... looking off with demonic rage! END FLASHBACK MONTAGE THE CAMERA PULLS BACK from Laura's SCREAMING mouth! Her eyes are filled with pure terror! A GIGANTIC wave of WATER splashes in her face! We see Ned... holding a tiny empty paper cup in his hand. Laura is completely drenched! NED Laura! Are you alright? That was a very long flashback you had. She snaps out of it, sputtering. LAURA Yes... I know. It's okay. I'm just a little... pre-menstrual. She goes to her desk, still upset. She picks up the message spike and turns to Ned. LAURA That Lola Cain... "person"... stopped by. She left this! She thrusts it toward Ned's face! There's a business card stuck on the end. He pulls it off. ANGLE - CLOSE ON BUSINESS CARD It reads: LE HOT CLUB! No Air Conditioning... And Proud Of It! Scribbled next to it is the message... "Meet me at 7:30". The edges of the card are scorched. INT. LE HOT CLUB - NIGHT It's dark, seductive, smoky, crowded... and HOT. Everybody is dripping with sweat and holding unlit cigarettes. Ned enters, sees Lola sitting on a stool at the bar, one leg crossed provocatively over the other. A beer can is stuck to the gum on the bottom of her shoe. It falls off with a CLUNK. He sits on the stool next to her. She looks at him, smiles. NED Oh yeah, before I forget... you asked me to take care of this. He reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a LIT CIGARETTE. It has a very long ash. LOLA Thanks... She takes it... inhales a drag, then lets the smoke flow out through her smile. It flows out for a loooooooooong time! More smoke than she could ever have inhaled. Then... NED You smoke too much. (looks around, then) It's hot tonight. LOLA Is it? I never know. My body heat runs about twenty degrees above normal. He notices the drink in her hand is BOILING. A saxophone begins to softly wail Lola's Theme. Ned looks over to see a QUARTET, featuring Dizzy on sax. The GUITARIST spontaneously bursts into FLAME! A FIREMAN, in full gear, jumps up from the bar and puts out the blaze with a fire extinguisher. None of the band members miss a beat. NED Maybe we should look for a cooler place. LOLA I doubt we'll find one. Even the wind chimes on my porch aren't moving much these days. They keep thudding softly, like dairy cows bumping butts in the night. I go out there expecting to find a cool breeze... but it's just a lot of hot air. Ned glances at the MALE CUSTOMERS... sitting at the bar across from them. They're staring coldly at Ned. NED What're they lookin' at? LOLA A lot of them have tried that seat. You're the first one's lasted this long. NED I feel honored. LOLA Don't. It's broken. A beat of realization, then the stool collapses with a CRASH! Ned pulls himself back up and drags another stool over. NED Did you bring the... papers? LOLA No. I thought you might come over... NED Sure. I'll drive you. LOLA I brought my own car. NED I'll follow you then. LOLA I know it sounds silly, but would you leave first... wait in your car? I come here a lot and I wouldn't want those men to think I'm "easy"... a slut who'll jump into bed with anyone at the drop of a hat. But if you leave first... NED ...they'll think I'm a putz for passing up a sure thing. Lola stares at Ned for a long moment... then SLAPS his face. He doesn't move, remaining staunchly macho. Then, suddenly, she SLUGS HIM so hard it knocks him over the top of the bar! LOLA (for all to hear) Now leave me alone! She pauses to give him a flicker of a COY SMILE... then picks up her drink and moves to a nearby table. Ned struggles to his feet and staggers to the door. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Ned is a mess! Blood trickles from the side of his mouth. Shirt soaked in sweat. He turns the radio ON. LOLA'S THEME starts playing. A small ceiling fan hangs from the interior roof of his car, turning slowly. The venetian blinds on his side windows are partially open, letting in slashes of dramatic light. ANGLE - HIS POV OF ROAD He's following Lola's car. It signals and turns left. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Still hot, Ned pulls the chain on the ceiling fan. It spins faster. MUCH faster! The car becomes like a wind tunnel! EXT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT The two cars enter a long drive, coming to a stop near a large two story house surrounded by lush greenery. Ned climbs out... his wind-blown hair flattened on one side and sticking out crazily. ANGLE - LOLA'S CAR DOOR - NED'S POV It opens. Lola's legs swing out. The CAMERA PANS DOWN her long legs to her feet. The car floormat is stuck to one shoe. She casually shakes it off... going to the front door. INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT They enter. It's DARK. Ned squints into the shadows. NED Well, here we are... in the dark. LOLA I have The Clapper. NED You what? Lola CLAPS her hands twice and all the LIGHTS COME ON. She smiles at him... drops her car keys on the hall table, then goes up the stairs. Ned drops his car keys on the table too and follows her. EXT. PORCH OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola clicks on a porch light. She and Ned step out. Dozens of small boxes hang around the perimeter of the porch. LOLA My wind chimes. Ned steps over, running his hands along the boxes. They "thud" against each other. NED You know, these would work a lot better if you took them out of the boxes. He slips several boxes off, releasing clusters of the metal chimes. They "tinkle" and "clang" melodically in the breeze. LOLA Well well... I guess you have been around. I'm impressed. She moves close, coming on to him. Ned feels uneasy. NED Why don't we take a look at those... papers? LOLA (remembering) Papers. Right. INT. DRESSING AREA OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola comes in, looks around, then down. She removes her shoe, pulling off two scraps of paper stuck to the gum on her heel. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Ned is looking through a book... "KAMIKAZE KAMA SUTRA - The Encyclopedia of Deadly Sexual Positions." Lola comes back in, hands Ned the two scraps of paper. NED That's it? These are the... papers? LOLA Yes. They're so confusing to me. Can you tell me what they are? He checks them out... shrugs. It's obvious. NED This one's a laundry receipt... and the other one's an expired lottery ticket. He hands them back to her, but she gently pushes them away. LOLA No. You keep them... as a memento of our time together. She slips them into his jacket pocket... then sensuously slides her hands around him, grabbing his buns, pulling him closer. LOLA I'm so grateful. How can I ever repay you for all you've done? NED Cash would be nice. LOLA Isn't there some other way? NED I suppose you could wash my car. LOLA No, I mean, isn't there something else you want? Something I could give you? She seductively starts to slide the jacket off his shoulders. NED Hey... slow down... there's a speed limit in this state. Sixty-five miles an hour. LOLA How fast was I going, officer? NED Oh, about a hundred and twenty-three. LOLA Suppose you pull me over and frisk me? NED Suppose I let you off with a warning? LOLA Suppose I find a cop with a bigger nightstick? NED Suppose I put you under arrest for being a bad girl with bad thoughts? LOLA Suppose you handcuff me to the bed? NED (rapid run-on) Suppose I do and then we lose the key and while I'm gone to get a duplicate made the house catches on fire and I can't get back to save you because the bridge is washed out and so you die a horrible death toasted like a Polish sausage on a flaming spit! (shakes his head) Nah... I better be going. He turns and leaves. She is stunned, confused, breathless. EXT. FRONT DOOR - NIGHT Ned opens the door, pauses, turns... as Lola joins him there. She looks into his eyes with desire. LOLA You're not so tough. Last chance. She moves her lips close to his, about to kiss him. Then... NED No thanks. I got a cold shower and a wife who trusts me waiting at home. LOLA What's the matter? Don't you want me? It's the way I look, isn't it? He steps out, pauses... turns to her. NED Don't forget to lock up. Ned pulls the door shut. The lock CLICKS. He pauses by his car, realizing | fives | How many times the word 'fives' appears in the text? | 1 |
woman can do... with a bobbie pin. Ned looks at the door. The frame and lock have been brutally chewed away, as if someone used a jackhammer on them! She pulls out a pack of cigarettes... BLACK LUNG LITES. LOLA (offering) Cigarette? NED No... thanks. They're bad for ya. He goes to the water cooler. She lights up, exhaling a soft cloud of smoke through a sleepy smile, her voice purring. LOLA Yes, I know. I like things that are bad for me. (touching lawbooks) So... I hear you go both ways. Ned hesitates... about to drink from the paper cup. NED Only once. It was a fraternity prank. I never saw him again. He gulps the water down, crumbles the cup in his hand. LOLA No, I mean... you're a cop and a lawyer. NED Oh. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of scum out there on the streets... but they all deserve a fair and costly trial. Ned turns, tries to casually "dunk" the crumpled cup in the waste basket. He misses. Laura enters with a huge pile of lawbooks in her arms. She sees Ned miss the basket and darts over as he bends down to pick it up. LAURA I'll get that. She picks it up and tosses it into the waste basket. NED Oh... Laura... this is, uh... LOLA Lola Cain. Laura sets the heavy load of books on the desk and steps toward Lola, extending her hand. Lola takes her time removing the long white glove... finally reaching out and shaking Laura's hand with a condescending air. LOLA (sarcastic) So lovely to meet you, Laura. Ned grabs the books and turns to the bookshelf, replacing each lawbook in its proper slot. The "handshake" between Lola and Laura turns tense, then aggressive, eventually becoming a "standing Indian wrestle" as they try to force each other off balance with sheer force. Ned is oblivious to the battle behind him, chattering away. NED Gotta keep these darn books in their right place or we'll never find the ones we need. Let's see, Q thru M... R thru B... W thru F... Laura suddenly whirls Lola around, putting her in an arm lock. But Lola elbows Laura in the stomach! Laura doubles over. Lola feigns sympathy, taking her hand... then spins, twisting Laura's arm, flipping her head over heels! Laura lands on the couch... upside down... gasping. Lola strikes a haughty pose, still holding her lit cigarette. She takes a drag. Laura checks her watch, then tumbles off the couch, landing on her feet. She straightens her skirt. LAURA It's getting late. I'll give you a ride home, Ned. Finished with the books, Ned turns... smiles. NED I have my car. LAURA I'll tow you. NED Not today. You don't need to wait. I'll see you tomorrow. Lola looks at Laura... icy, haughty, triumphant. Laura moves reluctantly toward the door, sees the lock and door frame chewed to pieces... whirls around, heads back toward Ned. LAURA I should call someone to fix this... NED Tomorrow... She instantly spins around, heads back toward the door... LAURA I'll call from home. ...and exits. Ned sits down on the corner of the desk. Lola sits in the chair across from him. LOLA I think I should warn you, Mr. Ravine... I'm not wearing any underwear. She crosses her legs suggestively... then slowly, enticingly, re-crosses them in the other direction. Unimpressed, Ned opens Laura's desk drawer... pulls a pair of sexy lace panties from a Kleenex-style dispenser box labeled "PANDORA'S POP-UP PANTIES"... which pulls another pair up into position. He tosses the panties to Lola. NED Try these on. She does... very, very slowly and seductively... as they talk. NED So... what can I do for you? LOLA I've run across some... papers... and I thought you might be able to tell me what they are. You see, I'm not very experienced when it comes to... papers. NED I'll help you Miss Cain, if I'm able. Do you have the... papers... here? LOLA No... they're at home. I thought you might stop by... NED I'm on duty tonight. LOLA Don't they ever give you a night off? NED Yeah. Tomorrow. LOLA (picks up cigarette) Why don't we meet tomorrow evening then? She finishes pulling the panties on with a sultry smile... "snapping" the elastic waistband. She goes to the door, pauses... turns to him. LOLA I'll let you know where. NED (steps over to her) What's wrong with my office? She looks around, exhaling another cloud of smoke. LOLA Nothing a good interior decorator couldn't fix. She opens the door. Behind her, in the hall, we see Dizzy, the saxophone player, wailing away on "Lola's Theme." CLOSE ON LOLA She takes a final, long drag on her cigarette, then reaches O.S. with it... toward Ned. LOLA Take care of this for me, will ya? With a sultry smile, she turns and leaves, closing the door. ANGLE ON NED The cigarette is stuck in his nose. INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT The front door swings open. Frank is standing there, dressed in a cheap, loose-fitting suit and a T-shirt. FRANK I came back for my shower cap. Lana, now wearing the diaphanous gown, pulls him inside. She kisses him hungrily, slipping a frilly plastic shower cap with a gaudy floral design on his head. LANA Yeah, well you came to the right place. She walks to the living room. Frank follows, still wearing the shower cap. Lana snaps her fingers. LANA Sit down. He sits in a chair, looking around. FRANK Where is he? LANA On duty all night. By the time he wraps up his reports, it'll be close to noon tomorrow. She sits on the couch, picks up a stack of papers. LANA I was just reading over... She looks up at Frank. Sees the shower cap. LANA Take off the hat, Frank. He slips the shower cap off as Lana continues. LANA I was just reading over my husband's insurance policies. You wouldn't know anything about insurance, would you, Frankie? FRANK Yeah, matter of fact, I sell policies part-time. I got half a brain... or didn't you notice? LANA I musta had my eye on something else. (hands him papers) How about a translation. He flips through, scanning the pages, shrugging. FRANK Standard accident policy... all the usual stuff... blah, blah, blah. The face value is... Wow. Not bad. Three million bucks! (flips page) And there's a triple indemnity rider. LANA Meaning? FRANK Aw, it's just something agents throw in so we can boost the premium. If the policy holder dies under very specific conditions, it pays off three times the face value of the policy. LANA Nine million dollars...? FRANK Yeah... but it's a sure bet for the company. Nobody ever collects. LANA Why not? FRANK Well, like here... it only pays off if he's shot with a pistol, falls from a moving northbound train and drowns in a fresh water stream. LANA All three? FRANK See what I mean, sweetheart? What are the odds of that? LANA It could happen. (dramatic beat) Suppose it did happen? FRANK Then you'd be rich. LANA Then we'd be rich. FRANK What're you sayin'...? She drops to her knees in front of him, her face close to his, speaking with a persuasive urgency. LANA We're gonna kill the son-of-a-bitch! And I know exactly how! He has a legal symposium in Santa Barbara this weekend... All we have to do is get him to take the train up instead of driving. FRANK How we gonna do that? Didn't you tell me he hates trains? LANA That's where you come in, baby. You're gonna rig his car so it doesn't work. That should be no problem for you. She gets up, walks to the adjoining room... snapping her fingers at her side. He follows. She steps to a table, pulls the cover off an elaborate scale- model of Dealey Plaza and a train station, complete with HO- Scale model trains chugging around the tracks. She uses a pointer to trace the route to the depot. LANA Then... we give him a lift to the train station... through Dealey Plaza, past the Book Suppository and around the grassy knoll... FRANK Isn't that out of our way? Ignoring this, she turns the LIGHTS OFF, walks over to a screen and picks up a remote control. She clicks the button. A SLIDE PROJECTOR comes on, throwing an IMAGE on Frank's back. We can read the words: THE PLAN. LANA Move, Frank. He moves over. "THE PLAN" appears on the screen. LANA And pay attention. As she talks, IMAGES appear on the screen, accompanying her rapid spiel. We see: a shot of the depot, a map of the rail route, a gun, a river, a Bingo game, baseball action and a huge dollar sign! LANA Ten minutes out of the station he'll be standing in the vestibule between cars... trying to avoid a panic attack. Fourteen minutes and ten seconds out, the train crosses the Santa Ynez River. So at thirteen minutes and fifty-four seconds, I shoot him, shove him out the door... he hits the river and drowns. Bingo! A triple play. We're rich! The lights click ON. FRANK You been thinking about this a lot, haven't you? LANA No. It just came to me. (closer, seductive) I had this image of a big, powerful, throbbing train... plunging into a long, dark, wet tunnel. They embrace, kissing passionately, dropping out of frame. The model train CHUGS faster, the train whistle SHRIEKING a long "Woooooooo-woooooooooo!"... racing into a model tunnel. INT. POLICE STATION - SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT Ned and Arch drag in a bunch of bad-ass, multi-ethnic GANG MEMBERS they've just busted. Ned angrily shoves one of the toughest gang members against the wall... losing his cool. NED Stand over there and shut up! GANG MEMBER #1 Hey, man, we got rights! Don't you be layin' no deleterious malfeasance on us. Ned goes ballistic and slams him into the wall again! NED Watch your mouth, punk! I don't want to hear language like that! Arch grabs Ned by the shoulder, pulling him back, calming him. ARCH Whoa, hold on, hoss! Take it easy. You seem a little tense tonight. What is it? Ned regains his composure. He's depressed. NED Aw... I don't know. I guess it's Lana. It's just... I know she wants to have a baby so bad... Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. NED ...but I never get to spend any time with her. And when I am home... it's like she's, you know... avoiding sex. Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. GANG MEMBER #1 You should try to be more sensitive, man. More romantic. Bring her flowers. He steps between them, putting his arm around Ned's shoulder. GANG MEMBER #1 Try to understand how she feels. After all... He steps back, begins to SING "Try A Little Tenderness"... GANG MEMBER #1 She may be weary... Women do get weary... Wearing that same old shabby dress... But when she's weary... Try a little ten-der-ness... The other Gang Members join in on the SECOND VERSE with a sweet, mellow street-corner harmony as back-up... and some smooth group choreography. The COPS on duty listen raptly, getting maudlin and dewey- eyed. Tears roll down the cheeks of the BOOKING SERGEANT. The lights dim. A big, gruff COP makes eyes at a HOOKER being booked... and they start to slow dance. Arch watches all this with a sentimental smile, munching on his Nachos. When the song ends, Arch puts a comforting hand, covered with Nacho cheese, on Ned's shoulder. NED That can't be it. I'm the tenderest guy on the force. Nah... I think she's just afraid she won't be able to get pregnant. ARCH What's to be afraid! It's like making breakfast! You bring home the bacon... she's got the eggs. Ya scramble it up. Ba-da-boom ba-da-bing! She's got an omelette in the oven! (a beat, then) Why don't you knock off early... go home. It'd be nice for Lana to wake up in the morning and find you there for a change. NED Naw... I can't. I got all this paperwork. ARCH Don't worry about that. GANG MEMBER #1 We'll do our own paperwork, man! OTHER GANG MEMBERS Yeah! We'll fill out all that shit. Ned nods, smiles and gratefully "high-fives" the Gang Members as he heads for the door. INT. THE HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT The house is dark. A key turns in the lock and Ned enters. IN THE BEDROOM It's dark. Ned quietly undresses and slips into bed. INT. BEDROOM - CLOSE ON LANA - DAWN Sunlight creeps through the windows. Lana's eyes flutter open. She sees Ned beside her... sleeping. Suddenly, it hits her. She turns! Frank is on the other side, curled up, snoring. She's laying between both men! Lana elbows Frank. He stirs, groggy. She covers his mouth... indicating Ned. Frank's eyes bug out! He slips out of bed. The bed frame SQUEAKS LOUDLY! Frank freezes. Ned sleeps on steadily. Frank grabs his clothes. An unending torrent of coins fall out of his pants pockets, CLANGING on the floor! He freezes. Ned sleeps on. Frank retrieves the coins, clumsily stepping on the TV REMOTE CONTROL. A high-tech, sleekly designed TELEVISION MONITOR rises up... clicks ON. Frank tries frantically to push the set down, but it keeps rising into position. An IMAGE appears. It's WILLARD SCOTT, doing the weather on the TODAY SHOW. Frank grabs the remote control, frantically pounding on all the buttons. The VOLUME goes up... SOUND BLASTING! WILLARD SCOTT (on television) ...and Mrs. Prudy Ann Camomile of Delphi, Georgia is one-hundred and thirteen! What a gorgeous hunk of female! Smokes three cigars a day, drinks a straight shot of vodka at bedtime... and still has sex! The alarm clock goes off, CLANGING LOUDLY! Lana dives for it, slamming her hand down, killing the alarm. Going for a double-play, she flings the clock at the TV, nailing the on/off switch! Silence. Ned is still out cold. Frank moves toward the door... but with each step the floor CREAKS LOUDLY! He turns the knob. It CLUNKS! He pulls the door open v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y and it CRE-E-E-E-A-K-S like the piercing metal brakes of a train! He blows Lana a kiss, then pulls the door closed very gently. It sticks. He pulls harder. The knob pops off in his hand and he falls backward, tumbling down the stairs with a HUGE RACKET! Ned doesn't stir. Finally it's SILENT. Lana exhales. A SMALL BIRD lands on the sill of the open window, trilling a sweet little "CHIRP." Ned sits bolt upright, irritated. NED Damn birds! He grabs his shoe, heaving it toward the open window. EXT. NED'S HOUSE - MORNING Frank glances back up at the bedroom window with an arrogant smirk. WHAP! Ned's shoe hits him right in the face! EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY Ned comes down the courthouse steps. He pauses in the street, glimpsing the back of a WOMAN passing nearby... a STUNNING BLOND decked out in a clinging dress and fashionable hat... a long strip of toilet paper trailing from her high heel shoe. It must be LOLA. He turns to watch her. A HORN BLARES! BRAKES SCREECH! The SOUND OVERLAPS to... INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - DAY The door opens. Ned enters, looking terrible. Suit ripped, hair messed up, bruised and battered, briefcase crushed. LAURA My God, Ned... you look like you were hit by a bus. NED I was. (notices) Who's in my office? LAURA Max Shady's mother. NED Not again. INSIDE THE OFFICE MRS. SHADY, an older woman with a pleasant appearance, sits in an overstuffed leather chair. Ned and Laura enter. NED Hello, Mrs. Shady. Ned goes straight to his office closet, pulls out an identical blue suit... and starts stripping off his tattered clothes. NED Laura... check on my insurance. Make sure it's paid up. Laura reluctantly returns to the outer office. MRS. SHADY Good idea, Mr. Ravine. My son, Max, is getting out of prison tomorrow. NED (checks his watch) Gee, has it been seven years already? MRS. SHADY Seven long, miserable years in the slammer. And he's a bit pissed off. NED Well, being locked in a tiny room with no TV can make a guy feel pretty tense. MRS. SHADY I'm very concerned about him, Mr. Ravine. He said you were a two-bit shyster... and he's going to rip your head off and use it for a bowling ball! He goes to her, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder, looking her right in the eye, attempting to provide solace. NED I'm sure the experience wasn't all negative. He probably made a lot of friends... MRS. SHADY (ever hopeful) You think? NED ...learned a useful trade... MRS. SHADY Oh yes... live autopsies... NED ...caught up on all those books he wanted to read... She struggles to her feet feebly... MRS. SHADY Maybe so... but he said he's going to punch you in the testicles... She hauls off and PUNCHES him like a pile driver! WHAM! He doubles over, gasping. MRS. SHADY ...smash your face... She KNEES him in the face, raising him up... then nails him with a devastating RIGHT CROSS, spinning him around. He collapses over the desk. MRS. SHADY ...and decimate your wardrobe. She grabs the tail of his suit jacket and rips it up the back! MRS. SHADY And I wouldn't want that to happen. (spanks his butt) He's a naughty naughty boy. I just thought I should warn you. She turns and shuffles out, passing through the outer office. MRS. SHADY (to Laura) Bye for now. (pauses by desk) Oh... may I have a cookie? LAURA (at file cabinet) Sure. She grabs a handful of cookies and casually flings them at Laura... as she heads out the door. MRS. SHADY Thank yooooooooou. Laura rushes into Ned's office with the file folder. He staggers unsteadily by the desk. LAURA Oh my God, Ned. NED I hate when she comes to see me. LAURA Don't you realize, Ned?... you could be in real danger. NED (sees file) What's that? LAURA Extreme peril. You know, the risk of personal bodily harm. NED (points at file) No... I mean that. LAURA Your insurance file. But the policy's missing. Did you take it home? NED I don't think so. Laura looks puzzled... wondering where it might be. Then... LAURA Oh, wait a second... She goes to her desk in the outer office, digs through a drawer. Suddenly, she GASPS! She is holding... A FRAMED PHOTOGRAPH of her abusive HUSBAND... sneering. A circle has been drawn around his head with lipstick and a diagonal line slashed across his face. MATCH DISSOLVE TO: FLASHBACK HER HUSBAND'S FACE peers out through a sailboat porthole at stormy seas. A piece of masking tape stuck to the glass matches the diagonal line. INT. CABIN OF SAILBOAT - NIGHT Laura's Husband turns from the porthole. Laura cowers. The boat pitches and heaves, disturbing all the neatly hung towels, emblazoned with MINE - MINE - MINE across the bottom edge. Laura's Husband reacts with a crazed look in his eyes. Laura makes a break for it, running up on deck. EXT. SAILBOAT IN STORM - NIGHT Laura's Husband scrambles up onto the deck, looking fore and aft. Laura's vanished! He looks out to sea, calling... LAURA'S HUSBAND Lau-raaaaa! EXT. BEACH - NIGHT Laura paddles ashore, grasping a little kid's inflatable float ring. She struggles onto the sand and looks out to sea, triumphant... tossing the plastic float aside. MONTAGE - ULTRA CONTEMPO BEACH HOUSE - NIGHT -- Laura rushes in, tracking water all through the house. -- Laura cuts an inch of hair from her amazingly long, very wet tresses, then puts on a WIG... that is also LONG and WET! -- Laura retrieves a bra and a package of Twinkies from a secret hiding place... and stuffs them into a small brown paper bag. -- Laura hurriedly mops up her water tracks, then... -- She uses an industrial buffer to wax the hardwood floor. -- Laura removes her wedding ring... throws it in the toilet. She reaches for the handle to flush it... hesitates, seeing the "CONSERVE WATER - THIS MEANS YOU!" sticker on the toilet. She reaches into the bowl and retrieves the ring. -- On the deck, Laura throws the wedding ring toward the ocean. A SEAGULL swoops down, snatching it in mid-air and flies off. OMIT Sequence omitted from original script. -- In the bathroom... the Seagull flies in through the open window, lands on the back of the toilet and drops the ring... into the toilet bowl! EXT. THE BEACH - NEXT MORNING Laura's Husband reaches into the surf and picks up the deflated float ring. He looks at it with a cruel sneer. INT. BEACH HOUSE - BATHROOM Laura's Husband fishes Laura's wedding ring out of the toilet bowl... looking off with demonic rage! END FLASHBACK MONTAGE THE CAMERA PULLS BACK from Laura's SCREAMING mouth! Her eyes are filled with pure terror! A GIGANTIC wave of WATER splashes in her face! We see Ned... holding a tiny empty paper cup in his hand. Laura is completely drenched! NED Laura! Are you alright? That was a very long flashback you had. She snaps out of it, sputtering. LAURA Yes... I know. It's okay. I'm just a little... pre-menstrual. She goes to her desk, still upset. She picks up the message spike and turns to Ned. LAURA That Lola Cain... "person"... stopped by. She left this! She thrusts it toward Ned's face! There's a business card stuck on the end. He pulls it off. ANGLE - CLOSE ON BUSINESS CARD It reads: LE HOT CLUB! No Air Conditioning... And Proud Of It! Scribbled next to it is the message... "Meet me at 7:30". The edges of the card are scorched. INT. LE HOT CLUB - NIGHT It's dark, seductive, smoky, crowded... and HOT. Everybody is dripping with sweat and holding unlit cigarettes. Ned enters, sees Lola sitting on a stool at the bar, one leg crossed provocatively over the other. A beer can is stuck to the gum on the bottom of her shoe. It falls off with a CLUNK. He sits on the stool next to her. She looks at him, smiles. NED Oh yeah, before I forget... you asked me to take care of this. He reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a LIT CIGARETTE. It has a very long ash. LOLA Thanks... She takes it... inhales a drag, then lets the smoke flow out through her smile. It flows out for a loooooooooong time! More smoke than she could ever have inhaled. Then... NED You smoke too much. (looks around, then) It's hot tonight. LOLA Is it? I never know. My body heat runs about twenty degrees above normal. He notices the drink in her hand is BOILING. A saxophone begins to softly wail Lola's Theme. Ned looks over to see a QUARTET, featuring Dizzy on sax. The GUITARIST spontaneously bursts into FLAME! A FIREMAN, in full gear, jumps up from the bar and puts out the blaze with a fire extinguisher. None of the band members miss a beat. NED Maybe we should look for a cooler place. LOLA I doubt we'll find one. Even the wind chimes on my porch aren't moving much these days. They keep thudding softly, like dairy cows bumping butts in the night. I go out there expecting to find a cool breeze... but it's just a lot of hot air. Ned glances at the MALE CUSTOMERS... sitting at the bar across from them. They're staring coldly at Ned. NED What're they lookin' at? LOLA A lot of them have tried that seat. You're the first one's lasted this long. NED I feel honored. LOLA Don't. It's broken. A beat of realization, then the stool collapses with a CRASH! Ned pulls himself back up and drags another stool over. NED Did you bring the... papers? LOLA No. I thought you might come over... NED Sure. I'll drive you. LOLA I brought my own car. NED I'll follow you then. LOLA I know it sounds silly, but would you leave first... wait in your car? I come here a lot and I wouldn't want those men to think I'm "easy"... a slut who'll jump into bed with anyone at the drop of a hat. But if you leave first... NED ...they'll think I'm a putz for passing up a sure thing. Lola stares at Ned for a long moment... then SLAPS his face. He doesn't move, remaining staunchly macho. Then, suddenly, she SLUGS HIM so hard it knocks him over the top of the bar! LOLA (for all to hear) Now leave me alone! She pauses to give him a flicker of a COY SMILE... then picks up her drink and moves to a nearby table. Ned struggles to his feet and staggers to the door. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Ned is a mess! Blood trickles from the side of his mouth. Shirt soaked in sweat. He turns the radio ON. LOLA'S THEME starts playing. A small ceiling fan hangs from the interior roof of his car, turning slowly. The venetian blinds on his side windows are partially open, letting in slashes of dramatic light. ANGLE - HIS POV OF ROAD He's following Lola's car. It signals and turns left. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Still hot, Ned pulls the chain on the ceiling fan. It spins faster. MUCH faster! The car becomes like a wind tunnel! EXT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT The two cars enter a long drive, coming to a stop near a large two story house surrounded by lush greenery. Ned climbs out... his wind-blown hair flattened on one side and sticking out crazily. ANGLE - LOLA'S CAR DOOR - NED'S POV It opens. Lola's legs swing out. The CAMERA PANS DOWN her long legs to her feet. The car floormat is stuck to one shoe. She casually shakes it off... going to the front door. INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT They enter. It's DARK. Ned squints into the shadows. NED Well, here we are... in the dark. LOLA I have The Clapper. NED You what? Lola CLAPS her hands twice and all the LIGHTS COME ON. She smiles at him... drops her car keys on the hall table, then goes up the stairs. Ned drops his car keys on the table too and follows her. EXT. PORCH OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola clicks on a porch light. She and Ned step out. Dozens of small boxes hang around the perimeter of the porch. LOLA My wind chimes. Ned steps over, running his hands along the boxes. They "thud" against each other. NED You know, these would work a lot better if you took them out of the boxes. He slips several boxes off, releasing clusters of the metal chimes. They "tinkle" and "clang" melodically in the breeze. LOLA Well well... I guess you have been around. I'm impressed. She moves close, coming on to him. Ned feels uneasy. NED Why don't we take a look at those... papers? LOLA (remembering) Papers. Right. INT. DRESSING AREA OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola comes in, looks around, then down. She removes her shoe, pulling off two scraps of paper stuck to the gum on her heel. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Ned is looking through a book... "KAMIKAZE KAMA SUTRA - The Encyclopedia of Deadly Sexual Positions." Lola comes back in, hands Ned the two scraps of paper. NED That's it? These are the... papers? LOLA Yes. They're so confusing to me. Can you tell me what they are? He checks them out... shrugs. It's obvious. NED This one's a laundry receipt... and the other one's an expired lottery ticket. He hands them back to her, but she gently pushes them away. LOLA No. You keep them... as a memento of our time together. She slips them into his jacket pocket... then sensuously slides her hands around him, grabbing his buns, pulling him closer. LOLA I'm so grateful. How can I ever repay you for all you've done? NED Cash would be nice. LOLA Isn't there some other way? NED I suppose you could wash my car. LOLA No, I mean, isn't there something else you want? Something I could give you? She seductively starts to slide the jacket off his shoulders. NED Hey... slow down... there's a speed limit in this state. Sixty-five miles an hour. LOLA How fast was I going, officer? NED Oh, about a hundred and twenty-three. LOLA Suppose you pull me over and frisk me? NED Suppose I let you off with a warning? LOLA Suppose I find a cop with a bigger nightstick? NED Suppose I put you under arrest for being a bad girl with bad thoughts? LOLA Suppose you handcuff me to the bed? NED (rapid run-on) Suppose I do and then we lose the key and while I'm gone to get a duplicate made the house catches on fire and I can't get back to save you because the bridge is washed out and so you die a horrible death toasted like a Polish sausage on a flaming spit! (shakes his head) Nah... I better be going. He turns and leaves. She is stunned, confused, breathless. EXT. FRONT DOOR - NIGHT Ned opens the door, pauses, turns... as Lola joins him there. She looks into his eyes with desire. LOLA You're not so tough. Last chance. She moves her lips close to his, about to kiss him. Then... NED No thanks. I got a cold shower and a wife who trusts me waiting at home. LOLA What's the matter? Don't you want me? It's the way I look, isn't it? He steps out, pauses... turns to her. NED Don't forget to lock up. Ned pulls the door shut. The lock CLICKS. He pauses by his car, realizing | listen | How many times the word 'listen' appears in the text? | 1 |
woman can do... with a bobbie pin. Ned looks at the door. The frame and lock have been brutally chewed away, as if someone used a jackhammer on them! She pulls out a pack of cigarettes... BLACK LUNG LITES. LOLA (offering) Cigarette? NED No... thanks. They're bad for ya. He goes to the water cooler. She lights up, exhaling a soft cloud of smoke through a sleepy smile, her voice purring. LOLA Yes, I know. I like things that are bad for me. (touching lawbooks) So... I hear you go both ways. Ned hesitates... about to drink from the paper cup. NED Only once. It was a fraternity prank. I never saw him again. He gulps the water down, crumbles the cup in his hand. LOLA No, I mean... you're a cop and a lawyer. NED Oh. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of scum out there on the streets... but they all deserve a fair and costly trial. Ned turns, tries to casually "dunk" the crumpled cup in the waste basket. He misses. Laura enters with a huge pile of lawbooks in her arms. She sees Ned miss the basket and darts over as he bends down to pick it up. LAURA I'll get that. She picks it up and tosses it into the waste basket. NED Oh... Laura... this is, uh... LOLA Lola Cain. Laura sets the heavy load of books on the desk and steps toward Lola, extending her hand. Lola takes her time removing the long white glove... finally reaching out and shaking Laura's hand with a condescending air. LOLA (sarcastic) So lovely to meet you, Laura. Ned grabs the books and turns to the bookshelf, replacing each lawbook in its proper slot. The "handshake" between Lola and Laura turns tense, then aggressive, eventually becoming a "standing Indian wrestle" as they try to force each other off balance with sheer force. Ned is oblivious to the battle behind him, chattering away. NED Gotta keep these darn books in their right place or we'll never find the ones we need. Let's see, Q thru M... R thru B... W thru F... Laura suddenly whirls Lola around, putting her in an arm lock. But Lola elbows Laura in the stomach! Laura doubles over. Lola feigns sympathy, taking her hand... then spins, twisting Laura's arm, flipping her head over heels! Laura lands on the couch... upside down... gasping. Lola strikes a haughty pose, still holding her lit cigarette. She takes a drag. Laura checks her watch, then tumbles off the couch, landing on her feet. She straightens her skirt. LAURA It's getting late. I'll give you a ride home, Ned. Finished with the books, Ned turns... smiles. NED I have my car. LAURA I'll tow you. NED Not today. You don't need to wait. I'll see you tomorrow. Lola looks at Laura... icy, haughty, triumphant. Laura moves reluctantly toward the door, sees the lock and door frame chewed to pieces... whirls around, heads back toward Ned. LAURA I should call someone to fix this... NED Tomorrow... She instantly spins around, heads back toward the door... LAURA I'll call from home. ...and exits. Ned sits down on the corner of the desk. Lola sits in the chair across from him. LOLA I think I should warn you, Mr. Ravine... I'm not wearing any underwear. She crosses her legs suggestively... then slowly, enticingly, re-crosses them in the other direction. Unimpressed, Ned opens Laura's desk drawer... pulls a pair of sexy lace panties from a Kleenex-style dispenser box labeled "PANDORA'S POP-UP PANTIES"... which pulls another pair up into position. He tosses the panties to Lola. NED Try these on. She does... very, very slowly and seductively... as they talk. NED So... what can I do for you? LOLA I've run across some... papers... and I thought you might be able to tell me what they are. You see, I'm not very experienced when it comes to... papers. NED I'll help you Miss Cain, if I'm able. Do you have the... papers... here? LOLA No... they're at home. I thought you might stop by... NED I'm on duty tonight. LOLA Don't they ever give you a night off? NED Yeah. Tomorrow. LOLA (picks up cigarette) Why don't we meet tomorrow evening then? She finishes pulling the panties on with a sultry smile... "snapping" the elastic waistband. She goes to the door, pauses... turns to him. LOLA I'll let you know where. NED (steps over to her) What's wrong with my office? She looks around, exhaling another cloud of smoke. LOLA Nothing a good interior decorator couldn't fix. She opens the door. Behind her, in the hall, we see Dizzy, the saxophone player, wailing away on "Lola's Theme." CLOSE ON LOLA She takes a final, long drag on her cigarette, then reaches O.S. with it... toward Ned. LOLA Take care of this for me, will ya? With a sultry smile, she turns and leaves, closing the door. ANGLE ON NED The cigarette is stuck in his nose. INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT The front door swings open. Frank is standing there, dressed in a cheap, loose-fitting suit and a T-shirt. FRANK I came back for my shower cap. Lana, now wearing the diaphanous gown, pulls him inside. She kisses him hungrily, slipping a frilly plastic shower cap with a gaudy floral design on his head. LANA Yeah, well you came to the right place. She walks to the living room. Frank follows, still wearing the shower cap. Lana snaps her fingers. LANA Sit down. He sits in a chair, looking around. FRANK Where is he? LANA On duty all night. By the time he wraps up his reports, it'll be close to noon tomorrow. She sits on the couch, picks up a stack of papers. LANA I was just reading over... She looks up at Frank. Sees the shower cap. LANA Take off the hat, Frank. He slips the shower cap off as Lana continues. LANA I was just reading over my husband's insurance policies. You wouldn't know anything about insurance, would you, Frankie? FRANK Yeah, matter of fact, I sell policies part-time. I got half a brain... or didn't you notice? LANA I musta had my eye on something else. (hands him papers) How about a translation. He flips through, scanning the pages, shrugging. FRANK Standard accident policy... all the usual stuff... blah, blah, blah. The face value is... Wow. Not bad. Three million bucks! (flips page) And there's a triple indemnity rider. LANA Meaning? FRANK Aw, it's just something agents throw in so we can boost the premium. If the policy holder dies under very specific conditions, it pays off three times the face value of the policy. LANA Nine million dollars...? FRANK Yeah... but it's a sure bet for the company. Nobody ever collects. LANA Why not? FRANK Well, like here... it only pays off if he's shot with a pistol, falls from a moving northbound train and drowns in a fresh water stream. LANA All three? FRANK See what I mean, sweetheart? What are the odds of that? LANA It could happen. (dramatic beat) Suppose it did happen? FRANK Then you'd be rich. LANA Then we'd be rich. FRANK What're you sayin'...? She drops to her knees in front of him, her face close to his, speaking with a persuasive urgency. LANA We're gonna kill the son-of-a-bitch! And I know exactly how! He has a legal symposium in Santa Barbara this weekend... All we have to do is get him to take the train up instead of driving. FRANK How we gonna do that? Didn't you tell me he hates trains? LANA That's where you come in, baby. You're gonna rig his car so it doesn't work. That should be no problem for you. She gets up, walks to the adjoining room... snapping her fingers at her side. He follows. She steps to a table, pulls the cover off an elaborate scale- model of Dealey Plaza and a train station, complete with HO- Scale model trains chugging around the tracks. She uses a pointer to trace the route to the depot. LANA Then... we give him a lift to the train station... through Dealey Plaza, past the Book Suppository and around the grassy knoll... FRANK Isn't that out of our way? Ignoring this, she turns the LIGHTS OFF, walks over to a screen and picks up a remote control. She clicks the button. A SLIDE PROJECTOR comes on, throwing an IMAGE on Frank's back. We can read the words: THE PLAN. LANA Move, Frank. He moves over. "THE PLAN" appears on the screen. LANA And pay attention. As she talks, IMAGES appear on the screen, accompanying her rapid spiel. We see: a shot of the depot, a map of the rail route, a gun, a river, a Bingo game, baseball action and a huge dollar sign! LANA Ten minutes out of the station he'll be standing in the vestibule between cars... trying to avoid a panic attack. Fourteen minutes and ten seconds out, the train crosses the Santa Ynez River. So at thirteen minutes and fifty-four seconds, I shoot him, shove him out the door... he hits the river and drowns. Bingo! A triple play. We're rich! The lights click ON. FRANK You been thinking about this a lot, haven't you? LANA No. It just came to me. (closer, seductive) I had this image of a big, powerful, throbbing train... plunging into a long, dark, wet tunnel. They embrace, kissing passionately, dropping out of frame. The model train CHUGS faster, the train whistle SHRIEKING a long "Woooooooo-woooooooooo!"... racing into a model tunnel. INT. POLICE STATION - SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT Ned and Arch drag in a bunch of bad-ass, multi-ethnic GANG MEMBERS they've just busted. Ned angrily shoves one of the toughest gang members against the wall... losing his cool. NED Stand over there and shut up! GANG MEMBER #1 Hey, man, we got rights! Don't you be layin' no deleterious malfeasance on us. Ned goes ballistic and slams him into the wall again! NED Watch your mouth, punk! I don't want to hear language like that! Arch grabs Ned by the shoulder, pulling him back, calming him. ARCH Whoa, hold on, hoss! Take it easy. You seem a little tense tonight. What is it? Ned regains his composure. He's depressed. NED Aw... I don't know. I guess it's Lana. It's just... I know she wants to have a baby so bad... Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. NED ...but I never get to spend any time with her. And when I am home... it's like she's, you know... avoiding sex. Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. GANG MEMBER #1 You should try to be more sensitive, man. More romantic. Bring her flowers. He steps between them, putting his arm around Ned's shoulder. GANG MEMBER #1 Try to understand how she feels. After all... He steps back, begins to SING "Try A Little Tenderness"... GANG MEMBER #1 She may be weary... Women do get weary... Wearing that same old shabby dress... But when she's weary... Try a little ten-der-ness... The other Gang Members join in on the SECOND VERSE with a sweet, mellow street-corner harmony as back-up... and some smooth group choreography. The COPS on duty listen raptly, getting maudlin and dewey- eyed. Tears roll down the cheeks of the BOOKING SERGEANT. The lights dim. A big, gruff COP makes eyes at a HOOKER being booked... and they start to slow dance. Arch watches all this with a sentimental smile, munching on his Nachos. When the song ends, Arch puts a comforting hand, covered with Nacho cheese, on Ned's shoulder. NED That can't be it. I'm the tenderest guy on the force. Nah... I think she's just afraid she won't be able to get pregnant. ARCH What's to be afraid! It's like making breakfast! You bring home the bacon... she's got the eggs. Ya scramble it up. Ba-da-boom ba-da-bing! She's got an omelette in the oven! (a beat, then) Why don't you knock off early... go home. It'd be nice for Lana to wake up in the morning and find you there for a change. NED Naw... I can't. I got all this paperwork. ARCH Don't worry about that. GANG MEMBER #1 We'll do our own paperwork, man! OTHER GANG MEMBERS Yeah! We'll fill out all that shit. Ned nods, smiles and gratefully "high-fives" the Gang Members as he heads for the door. INT. THE HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT The house is dark. A key turns in the lock and Ned enters. IN THE BEDROOM It's dark. Ned quietly undresses and slips into bed. INT. BEDROOM - CLOSE ON LANA - DAWN Sunlight creeps through the windows. Lana's eyes flutter open. She sees Ned beside her... sleeping. Suddenly, it hits her. She turns! Frank is on the other side, curled up, snoring. She's laying between both men! Lana elbows Frank. He stirs, groggy. She covers his mouth... indicating Ned. Frank's eyes bug out! He slips out of bed. The bed frame SQUEAKS LOUDLY! Frank freezes. Ned sleeps on steadily. Frank grabs his clothes. An unending torrent of coins fall out of his pants pockets, CLANGING on the floor! He freezes. Ned sleeps on. Frank retrieves the coins, clumsily stepping on the TV REMOTE CONTROL. A high-tech, sleekly designed TELEVISION MONITOR rises up... clicks ON. Frank tries frantically to push the set down, but it keeps rising into position. An IMAGE appears. It's WILLARD SCOTT, doing the weather on the TODAY SHOW. Frank grabs the remote control, frantically pounding on all the buttons. The VOLUME goes up... SOUND BLASTING! WILLARD SCOTT (on television) ...and Mrs. Prudy Ann Camomile of Delphi, Georgia is one-hundred and thirteen! What a gorgeous hunk of female! Smokes three cigars a day, drinks a straight shot of vodka at bedtime... and still has sex! The alarm clock goes off, CLANGING LOUDLY! Lana dives for it, slamming her hand down, killing the alarm. Going for a double-play, she flings the clock at the TV, nailing the on/off switch! Silence. Ned is still out cold. Frank moves toward the door... but with each step the floor CREAKS LOUDLY! He turns the knob. It CLUNKS! He pulls the door open v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y and it CRE-E-E-E-A-K-S like the piercing metal brakes of a train! He blows Lana a kiss, then pulls the door closed very gently. It sticks. He pulls harder. The knob pops off in his hand and he falls backward, tumbling down the stairs with a HUGE RACKET! Ned doesn't stir. Finally it's SILENT. Lana exhales. A SMALL BIRD lands on the sill of the open window, trilling a sweet little "CHIRP." Ned sits bolt upright, irritated. NED Damn birds! He grabs his shoe, heaving it toward the open window. EXT. NED'S HOUSE - MORNING Frank glances back up at the bedroom window with an arrogant smirk. WHAP! Ned's shoe hits him right in the face! EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY Ned comes down the courthouse steps. He pauses in the street, glimpsing the back of a WOMAN passing nearby... a STUNNING BLOND decked out in a clinging dress and fashionable hat... a long strip of toilet paper trailing from her high heel shoe. It must be LOLA. He turns to watch her. A HORN BLARES! BRAKES SCREECH! The SOUND OVERLAPS to... INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - DAY The door opens. Ned enters, looking terrible. Suit ripped, hair messed up, bruised and battered, briefcase crushed. LAURA My God, Ned... you look like you were hit by a bus. NED I was. (notices) Who's in my office? LAURA Max Shady's mother. NED Not again. INSIDE THE OFFICE MRS. SHADY, an older woman with a pleasant appearance, sits in an overstuffed leather chair. Ned and Laura enter. NED Hello, Mrs. Shady. Ned goes straight to his office closet, pulls out an identical blue suit... and starts stripping off his tattered clothes. NED Laura... check on my insurance. Make sure it's paid up. Laura reluctantly returns to the outer office. MRS. SHADY Good idea, Mr. Ravine. My son, Max, is getting out of prison tomorrow. NED (checks his watch) Gee, has it been seven years already? MRS. SHADY Seven long, miserable years in the slammer. And he's a bit pissed off. NED Well, being locked in a tiny room with no TV can make a guy feel pretty tense. MRS. SHADY I'm very concerned about him, Mr. Ravine. He said you were a two-bit shyster... and he's going to rip your head off and use it for a bowling ball! He goes to her, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder, looking her right in the eye, attempting to provide solace. NED I'm sure the experience wasn't all negative. He probably made a lot of friends... MRS. SHADY (ever hopeful) You think? NED ...learned a useful trade... MRS. SHADY Oh yes... live autopsies... NED ...caught up on all those books he wanted to read... She struggles to her feet feebly... MRS. SHADY Maybe so... but he said he's going to punch you in the testicles... She hauls off and PUNCHES him like a pile driver! WHAM! He doubles over, gasping. MRS. SHADY ...smash your face... She KNEES him in the face, raising him up... then nails him with a devastating RIGHT CROSS, spinning him around. He collapses over the desk. MRS. SHADY ...and decimate your wardrobe. She grabs the tail of his suit jacket and rips it up the back! MRS. SHADY And I wouldn't want that to happen. (spanks his butt) He's a naughty naughty boy. I just thought I should warn you. She turns and shuffles out, passing through the outer office. MRS. SHADY (to Laura) Bye for now. (pauses by desk) Oh... may I have a cookie? LAURA (at file cabinet) Sure. She grabs a handful of cookies and casually flings them at Laura... as she heads out the door. MRS. SHADY Thank yooooooooou. Laura rushes into Ned's office with the file folder. He staggers unsteadily by the desk. LAURA Oh my God, Ned. NED I hate when she comes to see me. LAURA Don't you realize, Ned?... you could be in real danger. NED (sees file) What's that? LAURA Extreme peril. You know, the risk of personal bodily harm. NED (points at file) No... I mean that. LAURA Your insurance file. But the policy's missing. Did you take it home? NED I don't think so. Laura looks puzzled... wondering where it might be. Then... LAURA Oh, wait a second... She goes to her desk in the outer office, digs through a drawer. Suddenly, she GASPS! She is holding... A FRAMED PHOTOGRAPH of her abusive HUSBAND... sneering. A circle has been drawn around his head with lipstick and a diagonal line slashed across his face. MATCH DISSOLVE TO: FLASHBACK HER HUSBAND'S FACE peers out through a sailboat porthole at stormy seas. A piece of masking tape stuck to the glass matches the diagonal line. INT. CABIN OF SAILBOAT - NIGHT Laura's Husband turns from the porthole. Laura cowers. The boat pitches and heaves, disturbing all the neatly hung towels, emblazoned with MINE - MINE - MINE across the bottom edge. Laura's Husband reacts with a crazed look in his eyes. Laura makes a break for it, running up on deck. EXT. SAILBOAT IN STORM - NIGHT Laura's Husband scrambles up onto the deck, looking fore and aft. Laura's vanished! He looks out to sea, calling... LAURA'S HUSBAND Lau-raaaaa! EXT. BEACH - NIGHT Laura paddles ashore, grasping a little kid's inflatable float ring. She struggles onto the sand and looks out to sea, triumphant... tossing the plastic float aside. MONTAGE - ULTRA CONTEMPO BEACH HOUSE - NIGHT -- Laura rushes in, tracking water all through the house. -- Laura cuts an inch of hair from her amazingly long, very wet tresses, then puts on a WIG... that is also LONG and WET! -- Laura retrieves a bra and a package of Twinkies from a secret hiding place... and stuffs them into a small brown paper bag. -- Laura hurriedly mops up her water tracks, then... -- She uses an industrial buffer to wax the hardwood floor. -- Laura removes her wedding ring... throws it in the toilet. She reaches for the handle to flush it... hesitates, seeing the "CONSERVE WATER - THIS MEANS YOU!" sticker on the toilet. She reaches into the bowl and retrieves the ring. -- On the deck, Laura throws the wedding ring toward the ocean. A SEAGULL swoops down, snatching it in mid-air and flies off. OMIT Sequence omitted from original script. -- In the bathroom... the Seagull flies in through the open window, lands on the back of the toilet and drops the ring... into the toilet bowl! EXT. THE BEACH - NEXT MORNING Laura's Husband reaches into the surf and picks up the deflated float ring. He looks at it with a cruel sneer. INT. BEACH HOUSE - BATHROOM Laura's Husband fishes Laura's wedding ring out of the toilet bowl... looking off with demonic rage! END FLASHBACK MONTAGE THE CAMERA PULLS BACK from Laura's SCREAMING mouth! Her eyes are filled with pure terror! A GIGANTIC wave of WATER splashes in her face! We see Ned... holding a tiny empty paper cup in his hand. Laura is completely drenched! NED Laura! Are you alright? That was a very long flashback you had. She snaps out of it, sputtering. LAURA Yes... I know. It's okay. I'm just a little... pre-menstrual. She goes to her desk, still upset. She picks up the message spike and turns to Ned. LAURA That Lola Cain... "person"... stopped by. She left this! She thrusts it toward Ned's face! There's a business card stuck on the end. He pulls it off. ANGLE - CLOSE ON BUSINESS CARD It reads: LE HOT CLUB! No Air Conditioning... And Proud Of It! Scribbled next to it is the message... "Meet me at 7:30". The edges of the card are scorched. INT. LE HOT CLUB - NIGHT It's dark, seductive, smoky, crowded... and HOT. Everybody is dripping with sweat and holding unlit cigarettes. Ned enters, sees Lola sitting on a stool at the bar, one leg crossed provocatively over the other. A beer can is stuck to the gum on the bottom of her shoe. It falls off with a CLUNK. He sits on the stool next to her. She looks at him, smiles. NED Oh yeah, before I forget... you asked me to take care of this. He reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a LIT CIGARETTE. It has a very long ash. LOLA Thanks... She takes it... inhales a drag, then lets the smoke flow out through her smile. It flows out for a loooooooooong time! More smoke than she could ever have inhaled. Then... NED You smoke too much. (looks around, then) It's hot tonight. LOLA Is it? I never know. My body heat runs about twenty degrees above normal. He notices the drink in her hand is BOILING. A saxophone begins to softly wail Lola's Theme. Ned looks over to see a QUARTET, featuring Dizzy on sax. The GUITARIST spontaneously bursts into FLAME! A FIREMAN, in full gear, jumps up from the bar and puts out the blaze with a fire extinguisher. None of the band members miss a beat. NED Maybe we should look for a cooler place. LOLA I doubt we'll find one. Even the wind chimes on my porch aren't moving much these days. They keep thudding softly, like dairy cows bumping butts in the night. I go out there expecting to find a cool breeze... but it's just a lot of hot air. Ned glances at the MALE CUSTOMERS... sitting at the bar across from them. They're staring coldly at Ned. NED What're they lookin' at? LOLA A lot of them have tried that seat. You're the first one's lasted this long. NED I feel honored. LOLA Don't. It's broken. A beat of realization, then the stool collapses with a CRASH! Ned pulls himself back up and drags another stool over. NED Did you bring the... papers? LOLA No. I thought you might come over... NED Sure. I'll drive you. LOLA I brought my own car. NED I'll follow you then. LOLA I know it sounds silly, but would you leave first... wait in your car? I come here a lot and I wouldn't want those men to think I'm "easy"... a slut who'll jump into bed with anyone at the drop of a hat. But if you leave first... NED ...they'll think I'm a putz for passing up a sure thing. Lola stares at Ned for a long moment... then SLAPS his face. He doesn't move, remaining staunchly macho. Then, suddenly, she SLUGS HIM so hard it knocks him over the top of the bar! LOLA (for all to hear) Now leave me alone! She pauses to give him a flicker of a COY SMILE... then picks up her drink and moves to a nearby table. Ned struggles to his feet and staggers to the door. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Ned is a mess! Blood trickles from the side of his mouth. Shirt soaked in sweat. He turns the radio ON. LOLA'S THEME starts playing. A small ceiling fan hangs from the interior roof of his car, turning slowly. The venetian blinds on his side windows are partially open, letting in slashes of dramatic light. ANGLE - HIS POV OF ROAD He's following Lola's car. It signals and turns left. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Still hot, Ned pulls the chain on the ceiling fan. It spins faster. MUCH faster! The car becomes like a wind tunnel! EXT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT The two cars enter a long drive, coming to a stop near a large two story house surrounded by lush greenery. Ned climbs out... his wind-blown hair flattened on one side and sticking out crazily. ANGLE - LOLA'S CAR DOOR - NED'S POV It opens. Lola's legs swing out. The CAMERA PANS DOWN her long legs to her feet. The car floormat is stuck to one shoe. She casually shakes it off... going to the front door. INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT They enter. It's DARK. Ned squints into the shadows. NED Well, here we are... in the dark. LOLA I have The Clapper. NED You what? Lola CLAPS her hands twice and all the LIGHTS COME ON. She smiles at him... drops her car keys on the hall table, then goes up the stairs. Ned drops his car keys on the table too and follows her. EXT. PORCH OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola clicks on a porch light. She and Ned step out. Dozens of small boxes hang around the perimeter of the porch. LOLA My wind chimes. Ned steps over, running his hands along the boxes. They "thud" against each other. NED You know, these would work a lot better if you took them out of the boxes. He slips several boxes off, releasing clusters of the metal chimes. They "tinkle" and "clang" melodically in the breeze. LOLA Well well... I guess you have been around. I'm impressed. She moves close, coming on to him. Ned feels uneasy. NED Why don't we take a look at those... papers? LOLA (remembering) Papers. Right. INT. DRESSING AREA OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola comes in, looks around, then down. She removes her shoe, pulling off two scraps of paper stuck to the gum on her heel. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Ned is looking through a book... "KAMIKAZE KAMA SUTRA - The Encyclopedia of Deadly Sexual Positions." Lola comes back in, hands Ned the two scraps of paper. NED That's it? These are the... papers? LOLA Yes. They're so confusing to me. Can you tell me what they are? He checks them out... shrugs. It's obvious. NED This one's a laundry receipt... and the other one's an expired lottery ticket. He hands them back to her, but she gently pushes them away. LOLA No. You keep them... as a memento of our time together. She slips them into his jacket pocket... then sensuously slides her hands around him, grabbing his buns, pulling him closer. LOLA I'm so grateful. How can I ever repay you for all you've done? NED Cash would be nice. LOLA Isn't there some other way? NED I suppose you could wash my car. LOLA No, I mean, isn't there something else you want? Something I could give you? She seductively starts to slide the jacket off his shoulders. NED Hey... slow down... there's a speed limit in this state. Sixty-five miles an hour. LOLA How fast was I going, officer? NED Oh, about a hundred and twenty-three. LOLA Suppose you pull me over and frisk me? NED Suppose I let you off with a warning? LOLA Suppose I find a cop with a bigger nightstick? NED Suppose I put you under arrest for being a bad girl with bad thoughts? LOLA Suppose you handcuff me to the bed? NED (rapid run-on) Suppose I do and then we lose the key and while I'm gone to get a duplicate made the house catches on fire and I can't get back to save you because the bridge is washed out and so you die a horrible death toasted like a Polish sausage on a flaming spit! (shakes his head) Nah... I better be going. He turns and leaves. She is stunned, confused, breathless. EXT. FRONT DOOR - NIGHT Ned opens the door, pauses, turns... as Lola joins him there. She looks into his eyes with desire. LOLA You're not so tough. Last chance. She moves her lips close to his, about to kiss him. Then... NED No thanks. I got a cold shower and a wife who trusts me waiting at home. LOLA What's the matter? Don't you want me? It's the way I look, isn't it? He steps out, pauses... turns to her. NED Don't forget to lock up. Ned pulls the door shut. The lock CLICKS. He pauses by his car, realizing | closer | How many times the word 'closer' appears in the text? | 2 |
woman can do... with a bobbie pin. Ned looks at the door. The frame and lock have been brutally chewed away, as if someone used a jackhammer on them! She pulls out a pack of cigarettes... BLACK LUNG LITES. LOLA (offering) Cigarette? NED No... thanks. They're bad for ya. He goes to the water cooler. She lights up, exhaling a soft cloud of smoke through a sleepy smile, her voice purring. LOLA Yes, I know. I like things that are bad for me. (touching lawbooks) So... I hear you go both ways. Ned hesitates... about to drink from the paper cup. NED Only once. It was a fraternity prank. I never saw him again. He gulps the water down, crumbles the cup in his hand. LOLA No, I mean... you're a cop and a lawyer. NED Oh. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of scum out there on the streets... but they all deserve a fair and costly trial. Ned turns, tries to casually "dunk" the crumpled cup in the waste basket. He misses. Laura enters with a huge pile of lawbooks in her arms. She sees Ned miss the basket and darts over as he bends down to pick it up. LAURA I'll get that. She picks it up and tosses it into the waste basket. NED Oh... Laura... this is, uh... LOLA Lola Cain. Laura sets the heavy load of books on the desk and steps toward Lola, extending her hand. Lola takes her time removing the long white glove... finally reaching out and shaking Laura's hand with a condescending air. LOLA (sarcastic) So lovely to meet you, Laura. Ned grabs the books and turns to the bookshelf, replacing each lawbook in its proper slot. The "handshake" between Lola and Laura turns tense, then aggressive, eventually becoming a "standing Indian wrestle" as they try to force each other off balance with sheer force. Ned is oblivious to the battle behind him, chattering away. NED Gotta keep these darn books in their right place or we'll never find the ones we need. Let's see, Q thru M... R thru B... W thru F... Laura suddenly whirls Lola around, putting her in an arm lock. But Lola elbows Laura in the stomach! Laura doubles over. Lola feigns sympathy, taking her hand... then spins, twisting Laura's arm, flipping her head over heels! Laura lands on the couch... upside down... gasping. Lola strikes a haughty pose, still holding her lit cigarette. She takes a drag. Laura checks her watch, then tumbles off the couch, landing on her feet. She straightens her skirt. LAURA It's getting late. I'll give you a ride home, Ned. Finished with the books, Ned turns... smiles. NED I have my car. LAURA I'll tow you. NED Not today. You don't need to wait. I'll see you tomorrow. Lola looks at Laura... icy, haughty, triumphant. Laura moves reluctantly toward the door, sees the lock and door frame chewed to pieces... whirls around, heads back toward Ned. LAURA I should call someone to fix this... NED Tomorrow... She instantly spins around, heads back toward the door... LAURA I'll call from home. ...and exits. Ned sits down on the corner of the desk. Lola sits in the chair across from him. LOLA I think I should warn you, Mr. Ravine... I'm not wearing any underwear. She crosses her legs suggestively... then slowly, enticingly, re-crosses them in the other direction. Unimpressed, Ned opens Laura's desk drawer... pulls a pair of sexy lace panties from a Kleenex-style dispenser box labeled "PANDORA'S POP-UP PANTIES"... which pulls another pair up into position. He tosses the panties to Lola. NED Try these on. She does... very, very slowly and seductively... as they talk. NED So... what can I do for you? LOLA I've run across some... papers... and I thought you might be able to tell me what they are. You see, I'm not very experienced when it comes to... papers. NED I'll help you Miss Cain, if I'm able. Do you have the... papers... here? LOLA No... they're at home. I thought you might stop by... NED I'm on duty tonight. LOLA Don't they ever give you a night off? NED Yeah. Tomorrow. LOLA (picks up cigarette) Why don't we meet tomorrow evening then? She finishes pulling the panties on with a sultry smile... "snapping" the elastic waistband. She goes to the door, pauses... turns to him. LOLA I'll let you know where. NED (steps over to her) What's wrong with my office? She looks around, exhaling another cloud of smoke. LOLA Nothing a good interior decorator couldn't fix. She opens the door. Behind her, in the hall, we see Dizzy, the saxophone player, wailing away on "Lola's Theme." CLOSE ON LOLA She takes a final, long drag on her cigarette, then reaches O.S. with it... toward Ned. LOLA Take care of this for me, will ya? With a sultry smile, she turns and leaves, closing the door. ANGLE ON NED The cigarette is stuck in his nose. INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT The front door swings open. Frank is standing there, dressed in a cheap, loose-fitting suit and a T-shirt. FRANK I came back for my shower cap. Lana, now wearing the diaphanous gown, pulls him inside. She kisses him hungrily, slipping a frilly plastic shower cap with a gaudy floral design on his head. LANA Yeah, well you came to the right place. She walks to the living room. Frank follows, still wearing the shower cap. Lana snaps her fingers. LANA Sit down. He sits in a chair, looking around. FRANK Where is he? LANA On duty all night. By the time he wraps up his reports, it'll be close to noon tomorrow. She sits on the couch, picks up a stack of papers. LANA I was just reading over... She looks up at Frank. Sees the shower cap. LANA Take off the hat, Frank. He slips the shower cap off as Lana continues. LANA I was just reading over my husband's insurance policies. You wouldn't know anything about insurance, would you, Frankie? FRANK Yeah, matter of fact, I sell policies part-time. I got half a brain... or didn't you notice? LANA I musta had my eye on something else. (hands him papers) How about a translation. He flips through, scanning the pages, shrugging. FRANK Standard accident policy... all the usual stuff... blah, blah, blah. The face value is... Wow. Not bad. Three million bucks! (flips page) And there's a triple indemnity rider. LANA Meaning? FRANK Aw, it's just something agents throw in so we can boost the premium. If the policy holder dies under very specific conditions, it pays off three times the face value of the policy. LANA Nine million dollars...? FRANK Yeah... but it's a sure bet for the company. Nobody ever collects. LANA Why not? FRANK Well, like here... it only pays off if he's shot with a pistol, falls from a moving northbound train and drowns in a fresh water stream. LANA All three? FRANK See what I mean, sweetheart? What are the odds of that? LANA It could happen. (dramatic beat) Suppose it did happen? FRANK Then you'd be rich. LANA Then we'd be rich. FRANK What're you sayin'...? She drops to her knees in front of him, her face close to his, speaking with a persuasive urgency. LANA We're gonna kill the son-of-a-bitch! And I know exactly how! He has a legal symposium in Santa Barbara this weekend... All we have to do is get him to take the train up instead of driving. FRANK How we gonna do that? Didn't you tell me he hates trains? LANA That's where you come in, baby. You're gonna rig his car so it doesn't work. That should be no problem for you. She gets up, walks to the adjoining room... snapping her fingers at her side. He follows. She steps to a table, pulls the cover off an elaborate scale- model of Dealey Plaza and a train station, complete with HO- Scale model trains chugging around the tracks. She uses a pointer to trace the route to the depot. LANA Then... we give him a lift to the train station... through Dealey Plaza, past the Book Suppository and around the grassy knoll... FRANK Isn't that out of our way? Ignoring this, she turns the LIGHTS OFF, walks over to a screen and picks up a remote control. She clicks the button. A SLIDE PROJECTOR comes on, throwing an IMAGE on Frank's back. We can read the words: THE PLAN. LANA Move, Frank. He moves over. "THE PLAN" appears on the screen. LANA And pay attention. As she talks, IMAGES appear on the screen, accompanying her rapid spiel. We see: a shot of the depot, a map of the rail route, a gun, a river, a Bingo game, baseball action and a huge dollar sign! LANA Ten minutes out of the station he'll be standing in the vestibule between cars... trying to avoid a panic attack. Fourteen minutes and ten seconds out, the train crosses the Santa Ynez River. So at thirteen minutes and fifty-four seconds, I shoot him, shove him out the door... he hits the river and drowns. Bingo! A triple play. We're rich! The lights click ON. FRANK You been thinking about this a lot, haven't you? LANA No. It just came to me. (closer, seductive) I had this image of a big, powerful, throbbing train... plunging into a long, dark, wet tunnel. They embrace, kissing passionately, dropping out of frame. The model train CHUGS faster, the train whistle SHRIEKING a long "Woooooooo-woooooooooo!"... racing into a model tunnel. INT. POLICE STATION - SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT Ned and Arch drag in a bunch of bad-ass, multi-ethnic GANG MEMBERS they've just busted. Ned angrily shoves one of the toughest gang members against the wall... losing his cool. NED Stand over there and shut up! GANG MEMBER #1 Hey, man, we got rights! Don't you be layin' no deleterious malfeasance on us. Ned goes ballistic and slams him into the wall again! NED Watch your mouth, punk! I don't want to hear language like that! Arch grabs Ned by the shoulder, pulling him back, calming him. ARCH Whoa, hold on, hoss! Take it easy. You seem a little tense tonight. What is it? Ned regains his composure. He's depressed. NED Aw... I don't know. I guess it's Lana. It's just... I know she wants to have a baby so bad... Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. NED ...but I never get to spend any time with her. And when I am home... it's like she's, you know... avoiding sex. Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. GANG MEMBER #1 You should try to be more sensitive, man. More romantic. Bring her flowers. He steps between them, putting his arm around Ned's shoulder. GANG MEMBER #1 Try to understand how she feels. After all... He steps back, begins to SING "Try A Little Tenderness"... GANG MEMBER #1 She may be weary... Women do get weary... Wearing that same old shabby dress... But when she's weary... Try a little ten-der-ness... The other Gang Members join in on the SECOND VERSE with a sweet, mellow street-corner harmony as back-up... and some smooth group choreography. The COPS on duty listen raptly, getting maudlin and dewey- eyed. Tears roll down the cheeks of the BOOKING SERGEANT. The lights dim. A big, gruff COP makes eyes at a HOOKER being booked... and they start to slow dance. Arch watches all this with a sentimental smile, munching on his Nachos. When the song ends, Arch puts a comforting hand, covered with Nacho cheese, on Ned's shoulder. NED That can't be it. I'm the tenderest guy on the force. Nah... I think she's just afraid she won't be able to get pregnant. ARCH What's to be afraid! It's like making breakfast! You bring home the bacon... she's got the eggs. Ya scramble it up. Ba-da-boom ba-da-bing! She's got an omelette in the oven! (a beat, then) Why don't you knock off early... go home. It'd be nice for Lana to wake up in the morning and find you there for a change. NED Naw... I can't. I got all this paperwork. ARCH Don't worry about that. GANG MEMBER #1 We'll do our own paperwork, man! OTHER GANG MEMBERS Yeah! We'll fill out all that shit. Ned nods, smiles and gratefully "high-fives" the Gang Members as he heads for the door. INT. THE HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT The house is dark. A key turns in the lock and Ned enters. IN THE BEDROOM It's dark. Ned quietly undresses and slips into bed. INT. BEDROOM - CLOSE ON LANA - DAWN Sunlight creeps through the windows. Lana's eyes flutter open. She sees Ned beside her... sleeping. Suddenly, it hits her. She turns! Frank is on the other side, curled up, snoring. She's laying between both men! Lana elbows Frank. He stirs, groggy. She covers his mouth... indicating Ned. Frank's eyes bug out! He slips out of bed. The bed frame SQUEAKS LOUDLY! Frank freezes. Ned sleeps on steadily. Frank grabs his clothes. An unending torrent of coins fall out of his pants pockets, CLANGING on the floor! He freezes. Ned sleeps on. Frank retrieves the coins, clumsily stepping on the TV REMOTE CONTROL. A high-tech, sleekly designed TELEVISION MONITOR rises up... clicks ON. Frank tries frantically to push the set down, but it keeps rising into position. An IMAGE appears. It's WILLARD SCOTT, doing the weather on the TODAY SHOW. Frank grabs the remote control, frantically pounding on all the buttons. The VOLUME goes up... SOUND BLASTING! WILLARD SCOTT (on television) ...and Mrs. Prudy Ann Camomile of Delphi, Georgia is one-hundred and thirteen! What a gorgeous hunk of female! Smokes three cigars a day, drinks a straight shot of vodka at bedtime... and still has sex! The alarm clock goes off, CLANGING LOUDLY! Lana dives for it, slamming her hand down, killing the alarm. Going for a double-play, she flings the clock at the TV, nailing the on/off switch! Silence. Ned is still out cold. Frank moves toward the door... but with each step the floor CREAKS LOUDLY! He turns the knob. It CLUNKS! He pulls the door open v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y and it CRE-E-E-E-A-K-S like the piercing metal brakes of a train! He blows Lana a kiss, then pulls the door closed very gently. It sticks. He pulls harder. The knob pops off in his hand and he falls backward, tumbling down the stairs with a HUGE RACKET! Ned doesn't stir. Finally it's SILENT. Lana exhales. A SMALL BIRD lands on the sill of the open window, trilling a sweet little "CHIRP." Ned sits bolt upright, irritated. NED Damn birds! He grabs his shoe, heaving it toward the open window. EXT. NED'S HOUSE - MORNING Frank glances back up at the bedroom window with an arrogant smirk. WHAP! Ned's shoe hits him right in the face! EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY Ned comes down the courthouse steps. He pauses in the street, glimpsing the back of a WOMAN passing nearby... a STUNNING BLOND decked out in a clinging dress and fashionable hat... a long strip of toilet paper trailing from her high heel shoe. It must be LOLA. He turns to watch her. A HORN BLARES! BRAKES SCREECH! The SOUND OVERLAPS to... INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - DAY The door opens. Ned enters, looking terrible. Suit ripped, hair messed up, bruised and battered, briefcase crushed. LAURA My God, Ned... you look like you were hit by a bus. NED I was. (notices) Who's in my office? LAURA Max Shady's mother. NED Not again. INSIDE THE OFFICE MRS. SHADY, an older woman with a pleasant appearance, sits in an overstuffed leather chair. Ned and Laura enter. NED Hello, Mrs. Shady. Ned goes straight to his office closet, pulls out an identical blue suit... and starts stripping off his tattered clothes. NED Laura... check on my insurance. Make sure it's paid up. Laura reluctantly returns to the outer office. MRS. SHADY Good idea, Mr. Ravine. My son, Max, is getting out of prison tomorrow. NED (checks his watch) Gee, has it been seven years already? MRS. SHADY Seven long, miserable years in the slammer. And he's a bit pissed off. NED Well, being locked in a tiny room with no TV can make a guy feel pretty tense. MRS. SHADY I'm very concerned about him, Mr. Ravine. He said you were a two-bit shyster... and he's going to rip your head off and use it for a bowling ball! He goes to her, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder, looking her right in the eye, attempting to provide solace. NED I'm sure the experience wasn't all negative. He probably made a lot of friends... MRS. SHADY (ever hopeful) You think? NED ...learned a useful trade... MRS. SHADY Oh yes... live autopsies... NED ...caught up on all those books he wanted to read... She struggles to her feet feebly... MRS. SHADY Maybe so... but he said he's going to punch you in the testicles... She hauls off and PUNCHES him like a pile driver! WHAM! He doubles over, gasping. MRS. SHADY ...smash your face... She KNEES him in the face, raising him up... then nails him with a devastating RIGHT CROSS, spinning him around. He collapses over the desk. MRS. SHADY ...and decimate your wardrobe. She grabs the tail of his suit jacket and rips it up the back! MRS. SHADY And I wouldn't want that to happen. (spanks his butt) He's a naughty naughty boy. I just thought I should warn you. She turns and shuffles out, passing through the outer office. MRS. SHADY (to Laura) Bye for now. (pauses by desk) Oh... may I have a cookie? LAURA (at file cabinet) Sure. She grabs a handful of cookies and casually flings them at Laura... as she heads out the door. MRS. SHADY Thank yooooooooou. Laura rushes into Ned's office with the file folder. He staggers unsteadily by the desk. LAURA Oh my God, Ned. NED I hate when she comes to see me. LAURA Don't you realize, Ned?... you could be in real danger. NED (sees file) What's that? LAURA Extreme peril. You know, the risk of personal bodily harm. NED (points at file) No... I mean that. LAURA Your insurance file. But the policy's missing. Did you take it home? NED I don't think so. Laura looks puzzled... wondering where it might be. Then... LAURA Oh, wait a second... She goes to her desk in the outer office, digs through a drawer. Suddenly, she GASPS! She is holding... A FRAMED PHOTOGRAPH of her abusive HUSBAND... sneering. A circle has been drawn around his head with lipstick and a diagonal line slashed across his face. MATCH DISSOLVE TO: FLASHBACK HER HUSBAND'S FACE peers out through a sailboat porthole at stormy seas. A piece of masking tape stuck to the glass matches the diagonal line. INT. CABIN OF SAILBOAT - NIGHT Laura's Husband turns from the porthole. Laura cowers. The boat pitches and heaves, disturbing all the neatly hung towels, emblazoned with MINE - MINE - MINE across the bottom edge. Laura's Husband reacts with a crazed look in his eyes. Laura makes a break for it, running up on deck. EXT. SAILBOAT IN STORM - NIGHT Laura's Husband scrambles up onto the deck, looking fore and aft. Laura's vanished! He looks out to sea, calling... LAURA'S HUSBAND Lau-raaaaa! EXT. BEACH - NIGHT Laura paddles ashore, grasping a little kid's inflatable float ring. She struggles onto the sand and looks out to sea, triumphant... tossing the plastic float aside. MONTAGE - ULTRA CONTEMPO BEACH HOUSE - NIGHT -- Laura rushes in, tracking water all through the house. -- Laura cuts an inch of hair from her amazingly long, very wet tresses, then puts on a WIG... that is also LONG and WET! -- Laura retrieves a bra and a package of Twinkies from a secret hiding place... and stuffs them into a small brown paper bag. -- Laura hurriedly mops up her water tracks, then... -- She uses an industrial buffer to wax the hardwood floor. -- Laura removes her wedding ring... throws it in the toilet. She reaches for the handle to flush it... hesitates, seeing the "CONSERVE WATER - THIS MEANS YOU!" sticker on the toilet. She reaches into the bowl and retrieves the ring. -- On the deck, Laura throws the wedding ring toward the ocean. A SEAGULL swoops down, snatching it in mid-air and flies off. OMIT Sequence omitted from original script. -- In the bathroom... the Seagull flies in through the open window, lands on the back of the toilet and drops the ring... into the toilet bowl! EXT. THE BEACH - NEXT MORNING Laura's Husband reaches into the surf and picks up the deflated float ring. He looks at it with a cruel sneer. INT. BEACH HOUSE - BATHROOM Laura's Husband fishes Laura's wedding ring out of the toilet bowl... looking off with demonic rage! END FLASHBACK MONTAGE THE CAMERA PULLS BACK from Laura's SCREAMING mouth! Her eyes are filled with pure terror! A GIGANTIC wave of WATER splashes in her face! We see Ned... holding a tiny empty paper cup in his hand. Laura is completely drenched! NED Laura! Are you alright? That was a very long flashback you had. She snaps out of it, sputtering. LAURA Yes... I know. It's okay. I'm just a little... pre-menstrual. She goes to her desk, still upset. She picks up the message spike and turns to Ned. LAURA That Lola Cain... "person"... stopped by. She left this! She thrusts it toward Ned's face! There's a business card stuck on the end. He pulls it off. ANGLE - CLOSE ON BUSINESS CARD It reads: LE HOT CLUB! No Air Conditioning... And Proud Of It! Scribbled next to it is the message... "Meet me at 7:30". The edges of the card are scorched. INT. LE HOT CLUB - NIGHT It's dark, seductive, smoky, crowded... and HOT. Everybody is dripping with sweat and holding unlit cigarettes. Ned enters, sees Lola sitting on a stool at the bar, one leg crossed provocatively over the other. A beer can is stuck to the gum on the bottom of her shoe. It falls off with a CLUNK. He sits on the stool next to her. She looks at him, smiles. NED Oh yeah, before I forget... you asked me to take care of this. He reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a LIT CIGARETTE. It has a very long ash. LOLA Thanks... She takes it... inhales a drag, then lets the smoke flow out through her smile. It flows out for a loooooooooong time! More smoke than she could ever have inhaled. Then... NED You smoke too much. (looks around, then) It's hot tonight. LOLA Is it? I never know. My body heat runs about twenty degrees above normal. He notices the drink in her hand is BOILING. A saxophone begins to softly wail Lola's Theme. Ned looks over to see a QUARTET, featuring Dizzy on sax. The GUITARIST spontaneously bursts into FLAME! A FIREMAN, in full gear, jumps up from the bar and puts out the blaze with a fire extinguisher. None of the band members miss a beat. NED Maybe we should look for a cooler place. LOLA I doubt we'll find one. Even the wind chimes on my porch aren't moving much these days. They keep thudding softly, like dairy cows bumping butts in the night. I go out there expecting to find a cool breeze... but it's just a lot of hot air. Ned glances at the MALE CUSTOMERS... sitting at the bar across from them. They're staring coldly at Ned. NED What're they lookin' at? LOLA A lot of them have tried that seat. You're the first one's lasted this long. NED I feel honored. LOLA Don't. It's broken. A beat of realization, then the stool collapses with a CRASH! Ned pulls himself back up and drags another stool over. NED Did you bring the... papers? LOLA No. I thought you might come over... NED Sure. I'll drive you. LOLA I brought my own car. NED I'll follow you then. LOLA I know it sounds silly, but would you leave first... wait in your car? I come here a lot and I wouldn't want those men to think I'm "easy"... a slut who'll jump into bed with anyone at the drop of a hat. But if you leave first... NED ...they'll think I'm a putz for passing up a sure thing. Lola stares at Ned for a long moment... then SLAPS his face. He doesn't move, remaining staunchly macho. Then, suddenly, she SLUGS HIM so hard it knocks him over the top of the bar! LOLA (for all to hear) Now leave me alone! She pauses to give him a flicker of a COY SMILE... then picks up her drink and moves to a nearby table. Ned struggles to his feet and staggers to the door. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Ned is a mess! Blood trickles from the side of his mouth. Shirt soaked in sweat. He turns the radio ON. LOLA'S THEME starts playing. A small ceiling fan hangs from the interior roof of his car, turning slowly. The venetian blinds on his side windows are partially open, letting in slashes of dramatic light. ANGLE - HIS POV OF ROAD He's following Lola's car. It signals and turns left. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Still hot, Ned pulls the chain on the ceiling fan. It spins faster. MUCH faster! The car becomes like a wind tunnel! EXT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT The two cars enter a long drive, coming to a stop near a large two story house surrounded by lush greenery. Ned climbs out... his wind-blown hair flattened on one side and sticking out crazily. ANGLE - LOLA'S CAR DOOR - NED'S POV It opens. Lola's legs swing out. The CAMERA PANS DOWN her long legs to her feet. The car floormat is stuck to one shoe. She casually shakes it off... going to the front door. INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT They enter. It's DARK. Ned squints into the shadows. NED Well, here we are... in the dark. LOLA I have The Clapper. NED You what? Lola CLAPS her hands twice and all the LIGHTS COME ON. She smiles at him... drops her car keys on the hall table, then goes up the stairs. Ned drops his car keys on the table too and follows her. EXT. PORCH OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola clicks on a porch light. She and Ned step out. Dozens of small boxes hang around the perimeter of the porch. LOLA My wind chimes. Ned steps over, running his hands along the boxes. They "thud" against each other. NED You know, these would work a lot better if you took them out of the boxes. He slips several boxes off, releasing clusters of the metal chimes. They "tinkle" and "clang" melodically in the breeze. LOLA Well well... I guess you have been around. I'm impressed. She moves close, coming on to him. Ned feels uneasy. NED Why don't we take a look at those... papers? LOLA (remembering) Papers. Right. INT. DRESSING AREA OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola comes in, looks around, then down. She removes her shoe, pulling off two scraps of paper stuck to the gum on her heel. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Ned is looking through a book... "KAMIKAZE KAMA SUTRA - The Encyclopedia of Deadly Sexual Positions." Lola comes back in, hands Ned the two scraps of paper. NED That's it? These are the... papers? LOLA Yes. They're so confusing to me. Can you tell me what they are? He checks them out... shrugs. It's obvious. NED This one's a laundry receipt... and the other one's an expired lottery ticket. He hands them back to her, but she gently pushes them away. LOLA No. You keep them... as a memento of our time together. She slips them into his jacket pocket... then sensuously slides her hands around him, grabbing his buns, pulling him closer. LOLA I'm so grateful. How can I ever repay you for all you've done? NED Cash would be nice. LOLA Isn't there some other way? NED I suppose you could wash my car. LOLA No, I mean, isn't there something else you want? Something I could give you? She seductively starts to slide the jacket off his shoulders. NED Hey... slow down... there's a speed limit in this state. Sixty-five miles an hour. LOLA How fast was I going, officer? NED Oh, about a hundred and twenty-three. LOLA Suppose you pull me over and frisk me? NED Suppose I let you off with a warning? LOLA Suppose I find a cop with a bigger nightstick? NED Suppose I put you under arrest for being a bad girl with bad thoughts? LOLA Suppose you handcuff me to the bed? NED (rapid run-on) Suppose I do and then we lose the key and while I'm gone to get a duplicate made the house catches on fire and I can't get back to save you because the bridge is washed out and so you die a horrible death toasted like a Polish sausage on a flaming spit! (shakes his head) Nah... I better be going. He turns and leaves. She is stunned, confused, breathless. EXT. FRONT DOOR - NIGHT Ned opens the door, pauses, turns... as Lola joins him there. She looks into his eyes with desire. LOLA You're not so tough. Last chance. She moves her lips close to his, about to kiss him. Then... NED No thanks. I got a cold shower and a wife who trusts me waiting at home. LOLA What's the matter? Don't you want me? It's the way I look, isn't it? He steps out, pauses... turns to her. NED Don't forget to lock up. Ned pulls the door shut. The lock CLICKS. He pauses by his car, realizing | beside | How many times the word 'beside' appears in the text? | 1 |
woman can do... with a bobbie pin. Ned looks at the door. The frame and lock have been brutally chewed away, as if someone used a jackhammer on them! She pulls out a pack of cigarettes... BLACK LUNG LITES. LOLA (offering) Cigarette? NED No... thanks. They're bad for ya. He goes to the water cooler. She lights up, exhaling a soft cloud of smoke through a sleepy smile, her voice purring. LOLA Yes, I know. I like things that are bad for me. (touching lawbooks) So... I hear you go both ways. Ned hesitates... about to drink from the paper cup. NED Only once. It was a fraternity prank. I never saw him again. He gulps the water down, crumbles the cup in his hand. LOLA No, I mean... you're a cop and a lawyer. NED Oh. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of scum out there on the streets... but they all deserve a fair and costly trial. Ned turns, tries to casually "dunk" the crumpled cup in the waste basket. He misses. Laura enters with a huge pile of lawbooks in her arms. She sees Ned miss the basket and darts over as he bends down to pick it up. LAURA I'll get that. She picks it up and tosses it into the waste basket. NED Oh... Laura... this is, uh... LOLA Lola Cain. Laura sets the heavy load of books on the desk and steps toward Lola, extending her hand. Lola takes her time removing the long white glove... finally reaching out and shaking Laura's hand with a condescending air. LOLA (sarcastic) So lovely to meet you, Laura. Ned grabs the books and turns to the bookshelf, replacing each lawbook in its proper slot. The "handshake" between Lola and Laura turns tense, then aggressive, eventually becoming a "standing Indian wrestle" as they try to force each other off balance with sheer force. Ned is oblivious to the battle behind him, chattering away. NED Gotta keep these darn books in their right place or we'll never find the ones we need. Let's see, Q thru M... R thru B... W thru F... Laura suddenly whirls Lola around, putting her in an arm lock. But Lola elbows Laura in the stomach! Laura doubles over. Lola feigns sympathy, taking her hand... then spins, twisting Laura's arm, flipping her head over heels! Laura lands on the couch... upside down... gasping. Lola strikes a haughty pose, still holding her lit cigarette. She takes a drag. Laura checks her watch, then tumbles off the couch, landing on her feet. She straightens her skirt. LAURA It's getting late. I'll give you a ride home, Ned. Finished with the books, Ned turns... smiles. NED I have my car. LAURA I'll tow you. NED Not today. You don't need to wait. I'll see you tomorrow. Lola looks at Laura... icy, haughty, triumphant. Laura moves reluctantly toward the door, sees the lock and door frame chewed to pieces... whirls around, heads back toward Ned. LAURA I should call someone to fix this... NED Tomorrow... She instantly spins around, heads back toward the door... LAURA I'll call from home. ...and exits. Ned sits down on the corner of the desk. Lola sits in the chair across from him. LOLA I think I should warn you, Mr. Ravine... I'm not wearing any underwear. She crosses her legs suggestively... then slowly, enticingly, re-crosses them in the other direction. Unimpressed, Ned opens Laura's desk drawer... pulls a pair of sexy lace panties from a Kleenex-style dispenser box labeled "PANDORA'S POP-UP PANTIES"... which pulls another pair up into position. He tosses the panties to Lola. NED Try these on. She does... very, very slowly and seductively... as they talk. NED So... what can I do for you? LOLA I've run across some... papers... and I thought you might be able to tell me what they are. You see, I'm not very experienced when it comes to... papers. NED I'll help you Miss Cain, if I'm able. Do you have the... papers... here? LOLA No... they're at home. I thought you might stop by... NED I'm on duty tonight. LOLA Don't they ever give you a night off? NED Yeah. Tomorrow. LOLA (picks up cigarette) Why don't we meet tomorrow evening then? She finishes pulling the panties on with a sultry smile... "snapping" the elastic waistband. She goes to the door, pauses... turns to him. LOLA I'll let you know where. NED (steps over to her) What's wrong with my office? She looks around, exhaling another cloud of smoke. LOLA Nothing a good interior decorator couldn't fix. She opens the door. Behind her, in the hall, we see Dizzy, the saxophone player, wailing away on "Lola's Theme." CLOSE ON LOLA She takes a final, long drag on her cigarette, then reaches O.S. with it... toward Ned. LOLA Take care of this for me, will ya? With a sultry smile, she turns and leaves, closing the door. ANGLE ON NED The cigarette is stuck in his nose. INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT The front door swings open. Frank is standing there, dressed in a cheap, loose-fitting suit and a T-shirt. FRANK I came back for my shower cap. Lana, now wearing the diaphanous gown, pulls him inside. She kisses him hungrily, slipping a frilly plastic shower cap with a gaudy floral design on his head. LANA Yeah, well you came to the right place. She walks to the living room. Frank follows, still wearing the shower cap. Lana snaps her fingers. LANA Sit down. He sits in a chair, looking around. FRANK Where is he? LANA On duty all night. By the time he wraps up his reports, it'll be close to noon tomorrow. She sits on the couch, picks up a stack of papers. LANA I was just reading over... She looks up at Frank. Sees the shower cap. LANA Take off the hat, Frank. He slips the shower cap off as Lana continues. LANA I was just reading over my husband's insurance policies. You wouldn't know anything about insurance, would you, Frankie? FRANK Yeah, matter of fact, I sell policies part-time. I got half a brain... or didn't you notice? LANA I musta had my eye on something else. (hands him papers) How about a translation. He flips through, scanning the pages, shrugging. FRANK Standard accident policy... all the usual stuff... blah, blah, blah. The face value is... Wow. Not bad. Three million bucks! (flips page) And there's a triple indemnity rider. LANA Meaning? FRANK Aw, it's just something agents throw in so we can boost the premium. If the policy holder dies under very specific conditions, it pays off three times the face value of the policy. LANA Nine million dollars...? FRANK Yeah... but it's a sure bet for the company. Nobody ever collects. LANA Why not? FRANK Well, like here... it only pays off if he's shot with a pistol, falls from a moving northbound train and drowns in a fresh water stream. LANA All three? FRANK See what I mean, sweetheart? What are the odds of that? LANA It could happen. (dramatic beat) Suppose it did happen? FRANK Then you'd be rich. LANA Then we'd be rich. FRANK What're you sayin'...? She drops to her knees in front of him, her face close to his, speaking with a persuasive urgency. LANA We're gonna kill the son-of-a-bitch! And I know exactly how! He has a legal symposium in Santa Barbara this weekend... All we have to do is get him to take the train up instead of driving. FRANK How we gonna do that? Didn't you tell me he hates trains? LANA That's where you come in, baby. You're gonna rig his car so it doesn't work. That should be no problem for you. She gets up, walks to the adjoining room... snapping her fingers at her side. He follows. She steps to a table, pulls the cover off an elaborate scale- model of Dealey Plaza and a train station, complete with HO- Scale model trains chugging around the tracks. She uses a pointer to trace the route to the depot. LANA Then... we give him a lift to the train station... through Dealey Plaza, past the Book Suppository and around the grassy knoll... FRANK Isn't that out of our way? Ignoring this, she turns the LIGHTS OFF, walks over to a screen and picks up a remote control. She clicks the button. A SLIDE PROJECTOR comes on, throwing an IMAGE on Frank's back. We can read the words: THE PLAN. LANA Move, Frank. He moves over. "THE PLAN" appears on the screen. LANA And pay attention. As she talks, IMAGES appear on the screen, accompanying her rapid spiel. We see: a shot of the depot, a map of the rail route, a gun, a river, a Bingo game, baseball action and a huge dollar sign! LANA Ten minutes out of the station he'll be standing in the vestibule between cars... trying to avoid a panic attack. Fourteen minutes and ten seconds out, the train crosses the Santa Ynez River. So at thirteen minutes and fifty-four seconds, I shoot him, shove him out the door... he hits the river and drowns. Bingo! A triple play. We're rich! The lights click ON. FRANK You been thinking about this a lot, haven't you? LANA No. It just came to me. (closer, seductive) I had this image of a big, powerful, throbbing train... plunging into a long, dark, wet tunnel. They embrace, kissing passionately, dropping out of frame. The model train CHUGS faster, the train whistle SHRIEKING a long "Woooooooo-woooooooooo!"... racing into a model tunnel. INT. POLICE STATION - SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT Ned and Arch drag in a bunch of bad-ass, multi-ethnic GANG MEMBERS they've just busted. Ned angrily shoves one of the toughest gang members against the wall... losing his cool. NED Stand over there and shut up! GANG MEMBER #1 Hey, man, we got rights! Don't you be layin' no deleterious malfeasance on us. Ned goes ballistic and slams him into the wall again! NED Watch your mouth, punk! I don't want to hear language like that! Arch grabs Ned by the shoulder, pulling him back, calming him. ARCH Whoa, hold on, hoss! Take it easy. You seem a little tense tonight. What is it? Ned regains his composure. He's depressed. NED Aw... I don't know. I guess it's Lana. It's just... I know she wants to have a baby so bad... Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. NED ...but I never get to spend any time with her. And when I am home... it's like she's, you know... avoiding sex. Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. GANG MEMBER #1 You should try to be more sensitive, man. More romantic. Bring her flowers. He steps between them, putting his arm around Ned's shoulder. GANG MEMBER #1 Try to understand how she feels. After all... He steps back, begins to SING "Try A Little Tenderness"... GANG MEMBER #1 She may be weary... Women do get weary... Wearing that same old shabby dress... But when she's weary... Try a little ten-der-ness... The other Gang Members join in on the SECOND VERSE with a sweet, mellow street-corner harmony as back-up... and some smooth group choreography. The COPS on duty listen raptly, getting maudlin and dewey- eyed. Tears roll down the cheeks of the BOOKING SERGEANT. The lights dim. A big, gruff COP makes eyes at a HOOKER being booked... and they start to slow dance. Arch watches all this with a sentimental smile, munching on his Nachos. When the song ends, Arch puts a comforting hand, covered with Nacho cheese, on Ned's shoulder. NED That can't be it. I'm the tenderest guy on the force. Nah... I think she's just afraid she won't be able to get pregnant. ARCH What's to be afraid! It's like making breakfast! You bring home the bacon... she's got the eggs. Ya scramble it up. Ba-da-boom ba-da-bing! She's got an omelette in the oven! (a beat, then) Why don't you knock off early... go home. It'd be nice for Lana to wake up in the morning and find you there for a change. NED Naw... I can't. I got all this paperwork. ARCH Don't worry about that. GANG MEMBER #1 We'll do our own paperwork, man! OTHER GANG MEMBERS Yeah! We'll fill out all that shit. Ned nods, smiles and gratefully "high-fives" the Gang Members as he heads for the door. INT. THE HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT The house is dark. A key turns in the lock and Ned enters. IN THE BEDROOM It's dark. Ned quietly undresses and slips into bed. INT. BEDROOM - CLOSE ON LANA - DAWN Sunlight creeps through the windows. Lana's eyes flutter open. She sees Ned beside her... sleeping. Suddenly, it hits her. She turns! Frank is on the other side, curled up, snoring. She's laying between both men! Lana elbows Frank. He stirs, groggy. She covers his mouth... indicating Ned. Frank's eyes bug out! He slips out of bed. The bed frame SQUEAKS LOUDLY! Frank freezes. Ned sleeps on steadily. Frank grabs his clothes. An unending torrent of coins fall out of his pants pockets, CLANGING on the floor! He freezes. Ned sleeps on. Frank retrieves the coins, clumsily stepping on the TV REMOTE CONTROL. A high-tech, sleekly designed TELEVISION MONITOR rises up... clicks ON. Frank tries frantically to push the set down, but it keeps rising into position. An IMAGE appears. It's WILLARD SCOTT, doing the weather on the TODAY SHOW. Frank grabs the remote control, frantically pounding on all the buttons. The VOLUME goes up... SOUND BLASTING! WILLARD SCOTT (on television) ...and Mrs. Prudy Ann Camomile of Delphi, Georgia is one-hundred and thirteen! What a gorgeous hunk of female! Smokes three cigars a day, drinks a straight shot of vodka at bedtime... and still has sex! The alarm clock goes off, CLANGING LOUDLY! Lana dives for it, slamming her hand down, killing the alarm. Going for a double-play, she flings the clock at the TV, nailing the on/off switch! Silence. Ned is still out cold. Frank moves toward the door... but with each step the floor CREAKS LOUDLY! He turns the knob. It CLUNKS! He pulls the door open v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y and it CRE-E-E-E-A-K-S like the piercing metal brakes of a train! He blows Lana a kiss, then pulls the door closed very gently. It sticks. He pulls harder. The knob pops off in his hand and he falls backward, tumbling down the stairs with a HUGE RACKET! Ned doesn't stir. Finally it's SILENT. Lana exhales. A SMALL BIRD lands on the sill of the open window, trilling a sweet little "CHIRP." Ned sits bolt upright, irritated. NED Damn birds! He grabs his shoe, heaving it toward the open window. EXT. NED'S HOUSE - MORNING Frank glances back up at the bedroom window with an arrogant smirk. WHAP! Ned's shoe hits him right in the face! EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY Ned comes down the courthouse steps. He pauses in the street, glimpsing the back of a WOMAN passing nearby... a STUNNING BLOND decked out in a clinging dress and fashionable hat... a long strip of toilet paper trailing from her high heel shoe. It must be LOLA. He turns to watch her. A HORN BLARES! BRAKES SCREECH! The SOUND OVERLAPS to... INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - DAY The door opens. Ned enters, looking terrible. Suit ripped, hair messed up, bruised and battered, briefcase crushed. LAURA My God, Ned... you look like you were hit by a bus. NED I was. (notices) Who's in my office? LAURA Max Shady's mother. NED Not again. INSIDE THE OFFICE MRS. SHADY, an older woman with a pleasant appearance, sits in an overstuffed leather chair. Ned and Laura enter. NED Hello, Mrs. Shady. Ned goes straight to his office closet, pulls out an identical blue suit... and starts stripping off his tattered clothes. NED Laura... check on my insurance. Make sure it's paid up. Laura reluctantly returns to the outer office. MRS. SHADY Good idea, Mr. Ravine. My son, Max, is getting out of prison tomorrow. NED (checks his watch) Gee, has it been seven years already? MRS. SHADY Seven long, miserable years in the slammer. And he's a bit pissed off. NED Well, being locked in a tiny room with no TV can make a guy feel pretty tense. MRS. SHADY I'm very concerned about him, Mr. Ravine. He said you were a two-bit shyster... and he's going to rip your head off and use it for a bowling ball! He goes to her, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder, looking her right in the eye, attempting to provide solace. NED I'm sure the experience wasn't all negative. He probably made a lot of friends... MRS. SHADY (ever hopeful) You think? NED ...learned a useful trade... MRS. SHADY Oh yes... live autopsies... NED ...caught up on all those books he wanted to read... She struggles to her feet feebly... MRS. SHADY Maybe so... but he said he's going to punch you in the testicles... She hauls off and PUNCHES him like a pile driver! WHAM! He doubles over, gasping. MRS. SHADY ...smash your face... She KNEES him in the face, raising him up... then nails him with a devastating RIGHT CROSS, spinning him around. He collapses over the desk. MRS. SHADY ...and decimate your wardrobe. She grabs the tail of his suit jacket and rips it up the back! MRS. SHADY And I wouldn't want that to happen. (spanks his butt) He's a naughty naughty boy. I just thought I should warn you. She turns and shuffles out, passing through the outer office. MRS. SHADY (to Laura) Bye for now. (pauses by desk) Oh... may I have a cookie? LAURA (at file cabinet) Sure. She grabs a handful of cookies and casually flings them at Laura... as she heads out the door. MRS. SHADY Thank yooooooooou. Laura rushes into Ned's office with the file folder. He staggers unsteadily by the desk. LAURA Oh my God, Ned. NED I hate when she comes to see me. LAURA Don't you realize, Ned?... you could be in real danger. NED (sees file) What's that? LAURA Extreme peril. You know, the risk of personal bodily harm. NED (points at file) No... I mean that. LAURA Your insurance file. But the policy's missing. Did you take it home? NED I don't think so. Laura looks puzzled... wondering where it might be. Then... LAURA Oh, wait a second... She goes to her desk in the outer office, digs through a drawer. Suddenly, she GASPS! She is holding... A FRAMED PHOTOGRAPH of her abusive HUSBAND... sneering. A circle has been drawn around his head with lipstick and a diagonal line slashed across his face. MATCH DISSOLVE TO: FLASHBACK HER HUSBAND'S FACE peers out through a sailboat porthole at stormy seas. A piece of masking tape stuck to the glass matches the diagonal line. INT. CABIN OF SAILBOAT - NIGHT Laura's Husband turns from the porthole. Laura cowers. The boat pitches and heaves, disturbing all the neatly hung towels, emblazoned with MINE - MINE - MINE across the bottom edge. Laura's Husband reacts with a crazed look in his eyes. Laura makes a break for it, running up on deck. EXT. SAILBOAT IN STORM - NIGHT Laura's Husband scrambles up onto the deck, looking fore and aft. Laura's vanished! He looks out to sea, calling... LAURA'S HUSBAND Lau-raaaaa! EXT. BEACH - NIGHT Laura paddles ashore, grasping a little kid's inflatable float ring. She struggles onto the sand and looks out to sea, triumphant... tossing the plastic float aside. MONTAGE - ULTRA CONTEMPO BEACH HOUSE - NIGHT -- Laura rushes in, tracking water all through the house. -- Laura cuts an inch of hair from her amazingly long, very wet tresses, then puts on a WIG... that is also LONG and WET! -- Laura retrieves a bra and a package of Twinkies from a secret hiding place... and stuffs them into a small brown paper bag. -- Laura hurriedly mops up her water tracks, then... -- She uses an industrial buffer to wax the hardwood floor. -- Laura removes her wedding ring... throws it in the toilet. She reaches for the handle to flush it... hesitates, seeing the "CONSERVE WATER - THIS MEANS YOU!" sticker on the toilet. She reaches into the bowl and retrieves the ring. -- On the deck, Laura throws the wedding ring toward the ocean. A SEAGULL swoops down, snatching it in mid-air and flies off. OMIT Sequence omitted from original script. -- In the bathroom... the Seagull flies in through the open window, lands on the back of the toilet and drops the ring... into the toilet bowl! EXT. THE BEACH - NEXT MORNING Laura's Husband reaches into the surf and picks up the deflated float ring. He looks at it with a cruel sneer. INT. BEACH HOUSE - BATHROOM Laura's Husband fishes Laura's wedding ring out of the toilet bowl... looking off with demonic rage! END FLASHBACK MONTAGE THE CAMERA PULLS BACK from Laura's SCREAMING mouth! Her eyes are filled with pure terror! A GIGANTIC wave of WATER splashes in her face! We see Ned... holding a tiny empty paper cup in his hand. Laura is completely drenched! NED Laura! Are you alright? That was a very long flashback you had. She snaps out of it, sputtering. LAURA Yes... I know. It's okay. I'm just a little... pre-menstrual. She goes to her desk, still upset. She picks up the message spike and turns to Ned. LAURA That Lola Cain... "person"... stopped by. She left this! She thrusts it toward Ned's face! There's a business card stuck on the end. He pulls it off. ANGLE - CLOSE ON BUSINESS CARD It reads: LE HOT CLUB! No Air Conditioning... And Proud Of It! Scribbled next to it is the message... "Meet me at 7:30". The edges of the card are scorched. INT. LE HOT CLUB - NIGHT It's dark, seductive, smoky, crowded... and HOT. Everybody is dripping with sweat and holding unlit cigarettes. Ned enters, sees Lola sitting on a stool at the bar, one leg crossed provocatively over the other. A beer can is stuck to the gum on the bottom of her shoe. It falls off with a CLUNK. He sits on the stool next to her. She looks at him, smiles. NED Oh yeah, before I forget... you asked me to take care of this. He reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a LIT CIGARETTE. It has a very long ash. LOLA Thanks... She takes it... inhales a drag, then lets the smoke flow out through her smile. It flows out for a loooooooooong time! More smoke than she could ever have inhaled. Then... NED You smoke too much. (looks around, then) It's hot tonight. LOLA Is it? I never know. My body heat runs about twenty degrees above normal. He notices the drink in her hand is BOILING. A saxophone begins to softly wail Lola's Theme. Ned looks over to see a QUARTET, featuring Dizzy on sax. The GUITARIST spontaneously bursts into FLAME! A FIREMAN, in full gear, jumps up from the bar and puts out the blaze with a fire extinguisher. None of the band members miss a beat. NED Maybe we should look for a cooler place. LOLA I doubt we'll find one. Even the wind chimes on my porch aren't moving much these days. They keep thudding softly, like dairy cows bumping butts in the night. I go out there expecting to find a cool breeze... but it's just a lot of hot air. Ned glances at the MALE CUSTOMERS... sitting at the bar across from them. They're staring coldly at Ned. NED What're they lookin' at? LOLA A lot of them have tried that seat. You're the first one's lasted this long. NED I feel honored. LOLA Don't. It's broken. A beat of realization, then the stool collapses with a CRASH! Ned pulls himself back up and drags another stool over. NED Did you bring the... papers? LOLA No. I thought you might come over... NED Sure. I'll drive you. LOLA I brought my own car. NED I'll follow you then. LOLA I know it sounds silly, but would you leave first... wait in your car? I come here a lot and I wouldn't want those men to think I'm "easy"... a slut who'll jump into bed with anyone at the drop of a hat. But if you leave first... NED ...they'll think I'm a putz for passing up a sure thing. Lola stares at Ned for a long moment... then SLAPS his face. He doesn't move, remaining staunchly macho. Then, suddenly, she SLUGS HIM so hard it knocks him over the top of the bar! LOLA (for all to hear) Now leave me alone! She pauses to give him a flicker of a COY SMILE... then picks up her drink and moves to a nearby table. Ned struggles to his feet and staggers to the door. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Ned is a mess! Blood trickles from the side of his mouth. Shirt soaked in sweat. He turns the radio ON. LOLA'S THEME starts playing. A small ceiling fan hangs from the interior roof of his car, turning slowly. The venetian blinds on his side windows are partially open, letting in slashes of dramatic light. ANGLE - HIS POV OF ROAD He's following Lola's car. It signals and turns left. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Still hot, Ned pulls the chain on the ceiling fan. It spins faster. MUCH faster! The car becomes like a wind tunnel! EXT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT The two cars enter a long drive, coming to a stop near a large two story house surrounded by lush greenery. Ned climbs out... his wind-blown hair flattened on one side and sticking out crazily. ANGLE - LOLA'S CAR DOOR - NED'S POV It opens. Lola's legs swing out. The CAMERA PANS DOWN her long legs to her feet. The car floormat is stuck to one shoe. She casually shakes it off... going to the front door. INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT They enter. It's DARK. Ned squints into the shadows. NED Well, here we are... in the dark. LOLA I have The Clapper. NED You what? Lola CLAPS her hands twice and all the LIGHTS COME ON. She smiles at him... drops her car keys on the hall table, then goes up the stairs. Ned drops his car keys on the table too and follows her. EXT. PORCH OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola clicks on a porch light. She and Ned step out. Dozens of small boxes hang around the perimeter of the porch. LOLA My wind chimes. Ned steps over, running his hands along the boxes. They "thud" against each other. NED You know, these would work a lot better if you took them out of the boxes. He slips several boxes off, releasing clusters of the metal chimes. They "tinkle" and "clang" melodically in the breeze. LOLA Well well... I guess you have been around. I'm impressed. She moves close, coming on to him. Ned feels uneasy. NED Why don't we take a look at those... papers? LOLA (remembering) Papers. Right. INT. DRESSING AREA OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola comes in, looks around, then down. She removes her shoe, pulling off two scraps of paper stuck to the gum on her heel. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Ned is looking through a book... "KAMIKAZE KAMA SUTRA - The Encyclopedia of Deadly Sexual Positions." Lola comes back in, hands Ned the two scraps of paper. NED That's it? These are the... papers? LOLA Yes. They're so confusing to me. Can you tell me what they are? He checks them out... shrugs. It's obvious. NED This one's a laundry receipt... and the other one's an expired lottery ticket. He hands them back to her, but she gently pushes them away. LOLA No. You keep them... as a memento of our time together. She slips them into his jacket pocket... then sensuously slides her hands around him, grabbing his buns, pulling him closer. LOLA I'm so grateful. How can I ever repay you for all you've done? NED Cash would be nice. LOLA Isn't there some other way? NED I suppose you could wash my car. LOLA No, I mean, isn't there something else you want? Something I could give you? She seductively starts to slide the jacket off his shoulders. NED Hey... slow down... there's a speed limit in this state. Sixty-five miles an hour. LOLA How fast was I going, officer? NED Oh, about a hundred and twenty-three. LOLA Suppose you pull me over and frisk me? NED Suppose I let you off with a warning? LOLA Suppose I find a cop with a bigger nightstick? NED Suppose I put you under arrest for being a bad girl with bad thoughts? LOLA Suppose you handcuff me to the bed? NED (rapid run-on) Suppose I do and then we lose the key and while I'm gone to get a duplicate made the house catches on fire and I can't get back to save you because the bridge is washed out and so you die a horrible death toasted like a Polish sausage on a flaming spit! (shakes his head) Nah... I better be going. He turns and leaves. She is stunned, confused, breathless. EXT. FRONT DOOR - NIGHT Ned opens the door, pauses, turns... as Lola joins him there. She looks into his eyes with desire. LOLA You're not so tough. Last chance. She moves her lips close to his, about to kiss him. Then... NED No thanks. I got a cold shower and a wife who trusts me waiting at home. LOLA What's the matter? Don't you want me? It's the way I look, isn't it? He steps out, pauses... turns to her. NED Don't forget to lock up. Ned pulls the door shut. The lock CLICKS. He pauses by his car, realizing | force | How many times the word 'force' appears in the text? | 3 |
woman can do... with a bobbie pin. Ned looks at the door. The frame and lock have been brutally chewed away, as if someone used a jackhammer on them! She pulls out a pack of cigarettes... BLACK LUNG LITES. LOLA (offering) Cigarette? NED No... thanks. They're bad for ya. He goes to the water cooler. She lights up, exhaling a soft cloud of smoke through a sleepy smile, her voice purring. LOLA Yes, I know. I like things that are bad for me. (touching lawbooks) So... I hear you go both ways. Ned hesitates... about to drink from the paper cup. NED Only once. It was a fraternity prank. I never saw him again. He gulps the water down, crumbles the cup in his hand. LOLA No, I mean... you're a cop and a lawyer. NED Oh. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of scum out there on the streets... but they all deserve a fair and costly trial. Ned turns, tries to casually "dunk" the crumpled cup in the waste basket. He misses. Laura enters with a huge pile of lawbooks in her arms. She sees Ned miss the basket and darts over as he bends down to pick it up. LAURA I'll get that. She picks it up and tosses it into the waste basket. NED Oh... Laura... this is, uh... LOLA Lola Cain. Laura sets the heavy load of books on the desk and steps toward Lola, extending her hand. Lola takes her time removing the long white glove... finally reaching out and shaking Laura's hand with a condescending air. LOLA (sarcastic) So lovely to meet you, Laura. Ned grabs the books and turns to the bookshelf, replacing each lawbook in its proper slot. The "handshake" between Lola and Laura turns tense, then aggressive, eventually becoming a "standing Indian wrestle" as they try to force each other off balance with sheer force. Ned is oblivious to the battle behind him, chattering away. NED Gotta keep these darn books in their right place or we'll never find the ones we need. Let's see, Q thru M... R thru B... W thru F... Laura suddenly whirls Lola around, putting her in an arm lock. But Lola elbows Laura in the stomach! Laura doubles over. Lola feigns sympathy, taking her hand... then spins, twisting Laura's arm, flipping her head over heels! Laura lands on the couch... upside down... gasping. Lola strikes a haughty pose, still holding her lit cigarette. She takes a drag. Laura checks her watch, then tumbles off the couch, landing on her feet. She straightens her skirt. LAURA It's getting late. I'll give you a ride home, Ned. Finished with the books, Ned turns... smiles. NED I have my car. LAURA I'll tow you. NED Not today. You don't need to wait. I'll see you tomorrow. Lola looks at Laura... icy, haughty, triumphant. Laura moves reluctantly toward the door, sees the lock and door frame chewed to pieces... whirls around, heads back toward Ned. LAURA I should call someone to fix this... NED Tomorrow... She instantly spins around, heads back toward the door... LAURA I'll call from home. ...and exits. Ned sits down on the corner of the desk. Lola sits in the chair across from him. LOLA I think I should warn you, Mr. Ravine... I'm not wearing any underwear. She crosses her legs suggestively... then slowly, enticingly, re-crosses them in the other direction. Unimpressed, Ned opens Laura's desk drawer... pulls a pair of sexy lace panties from a Kleenex-style dispenser box labeled "PANDORA'S POP-UP PANTIES"... which pulls another pair up into position. He tosses the panties to Lola. NED Try these on. She does... very, very slowly and seductively... as they talk. NED So... what can I do for you? LOLA I've run across some... papers... and I thought you might be able to tell me what they are. You see, I'm not very experienced when it comes to... papers. NED I'll help you Miss Cain, if I'm able. Do you have the... papers... here? LOLA No... they're at home. I thought you might stop by... NED I'm on duty tonight. LOLA Don't they ever give you a night off? NED Yeah. Tomorrow. LOLA (picks up cigarette) Why don't we meet tomorrow evening then? She finishes pulling the panties on with a sultry smile... "snapping" the elastic waistband. She goes to the door, pauses... turns to him. LOLA I'll let you know where. NED (steps over to her) What's wrong with my office? She looks around, exhaling another cloud of smoke. LOLA Nothing a good interior decorator couldn't fix. She opens the door. Behind her, in the hall, we see Dizzy, the saxophone player, wailing away on "Lola's Theme." CLOSE ON LOLA She takes a final, long drag on her cigarette, then reaches O.S. with it... toward Ned. LOLA Take care of this for me, will ya? With a sultry smile, she turns and leaves, closing the door. ANGLE ON NED The cigarette is stuck in his nose. INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT The front door swings open. Frank is standing there, dressed in a cheap, loose-fitting suit and a T-shirt. FRANK I came back for my shower cap. Lana, now wearing the diaphanous gown, pulls him inside. She kisses him hungrily, slipping a frilly plastic shower cap with a gaudy floral design on his head. LANA Yeah, well you came to the right place. She walks to the living room. Frank follows, still wearing the shower cap. Lana snaps her fingers. LANA Sit down. He sits in a chair, looking around. FRANK Where is he? LANA On duty all night. By the time he wraps up his reports, it'll be close to noon tomorrow. She sits on the couch, picks up a stack of papers. LANA I was just reading over... She looks up at Frank. Sees the shower cap. LANA Take off the hat, Frank. He slips the shower cap off as Lana continues. LANA I was just reading over my husband's insurance policies. You wouldn't know anything about insurance, would you, Frankie? FRANK Yeah, matter of fact, I sell policies part-time. I got half a brain... or didn't you notice? LANA I musta had my eye on something else. (hands him papers) How about a translation. He flips through, scanning the pages, shrugging. FRANK Standard accident policy... all the usual stuff... blah, blah, blah. The face value is... Wow. Not bad. Three million bucks! (flips page) And there's a triple indemnity rider. LANA Meaning? FRANK Aw, it's just something agents throw in so we can boost the premium. If the policy holder dies under very specific conditions, it pays off three times the face value of the policy. LANA Nine million dollars...? FRANK Yeah... but it's a sure bet for the company. Nobody ever collects. LANA Why not? FRANK Well, like here... it only pays off if he's shot with a pistol, falls from a moving northbound train and drowns in a fresh water stream. LANA All three? FRANK See what I mean, sweetheart? What are the odds of that? LANA It could happen. (dramatic beat) Suppose it did happen? FRANK Then you'd be rich. LANA Then we'd be rich. FRANK What're you sayin'...? She drops to her knees in front of him, her face close to his, speaking with a persuasive urgency. LANA We're gonna kill the son-of-a-bitch! And I know exactly how! He has a legal symposium in Santa Barbara this weekend... All we have to do is get him to take the train up instead of driving. FRANK How we gonna do that? Didn't you tell me he hates trains? LANA That's where you come in, baby. You're gonna rig his car so it doesn't work. That should be no problem for you. She gets up, walks to the adjoining room... snapping her fingers at her side. He follows. She steps to a table, pulls the cover off an elaborate scale- model of Dealey Plaza and a train station, complete with HO- Scale model trains chugging around the tracks. She uses a pointer to trace the route to the depot. LANA Then... we give him a lift to the train station... through Dealey Plaza, past the Book Suppository and around the grassy knoll... FRANK Isn't that out of our way? Ignoring this, she turns the LIGHTS OFF, walks over to a screen and picks up a remote control. She clicks the button. A SLIDE PROJECTOR comes on, throwing an IMAGE on Frank's back. We can read the words: THE PLAN. LANA Move, Frank. He moves over. "THE PLAN" appears on the screen. LANA And pay attention. As she talks, IMAGES appear on the screen, accompanying her rapid spiel. We see: a shot of the depot, a map of the rail route, a gun, a river, a Bingo game, baseball action and a huge dollar sign! LANA Ten minutes out of the station he'll be standing in the vestibule between cars... trying to avoid a panic attack. Fourteen minutes and ten seconds out, the train crosses the Santa Ynez River. So at thirteen minutes and fifty-four seconds, I shoot him, shove him out the door... he hits the river and drowns. Bingo! A triple play. We're rich! The lights click ON. FRANK You been thinking about this a lot, haven't you? LANA No. It just came to me. (closer, seductive) I had this image of a big, powerful, throbbing train... plunging into a long, dark, wet tunnel. They embrace, kissing passionately, dropping out of frame. The model train CHUGS faster, the train whistle SHRIEKING a long "Woooooooo-woooooooooo!"... racing into a model tunnel. INT. POLICE STATION - SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT Ned and Arch drag in a bunch of bad-ass, multi-ethnic GANG MEMBERS they've just busted. Ned angrily shoves one of the toughest gang members against the wall... losing his cool. NED Stand over there and shut up! GANG MEMBER #1 Hey, man, we got rights! Don't you be layin' no deleterious malfeasance on us. Ned goes ballistic and slams him into the wall again! NED Watch your mouth, punk! I don't want to hear language like that! Arch grabs Ned by the shoulder, pulling him back, calming him. ARCH Whoa, hold on, hoss! Take it easy. You seem a little tense tonight. What is it? Ned regains his composure. He's depressed. NED Aw... I don't know. I guess it's Lana. It's just... I know she wants to have a baby so bad... Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. NED ...but I never get to spend any time with her. And when I am home... it's like she's, you know... avoiding sex. Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. GANG MEMBER #1 You should try to be more sensitive, man. More romantic. Bring her flowers. He steps between them, putting his arm around Ned's shoulder. GANG MEMBER #1 Try to understand how she feels. After all... He steps back, begins to SING "Try A Little Tenderness"... GANG MEMBER #1 She may be weary... Women do get weary... Wearing that same old shabby dress... But when she's weary... Try a little ten-der-ness... The other Gang Members join in on the SECOND VERSE with a sweet, mellow street-corner harmony as back-up... and some smooth group choreography. The COPS on duty listen raptly, getting maudlin and dewey- eyed. Tears roll down the cheeks of the BOOKING SERGEANT. The lights dim. A big, gruff COP makes eyes at a HOOKER being booked... and they start to slow dance. Arch watches all this with a sentimental smile, munching on his Nachos. When the song ends, Arch puts a comforting hand, covered with Nacho cheese, on Ned's shoulder. NED That can't be it. I'm the tenderest guy on the force. Nah... I think she's just afraid she won't be able to get pregnant. ARCH What's to be afraid! It's like making breakfast! You bring home the bacon... she's got the eggs. Ya scramble it up. Ba-da-boom ba-da-bing! She's got an omelette in the oven! (a beat, then) Why don't you knock off early... go home. It'd be nice for Lana to wake up in the morning and find you there for a change. NED Naw... I can't. I got all this paperwork. ARCH Don't worry about that. GANG MEMBER #1 We'll do our own paperwork, man! OTHER GANG MEMBERS Yeah! We'll fill out all that shit. Ned nods, smiles and gratefully "high-fives" the Gang Members as he heads for the door. INT. THE HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT The house is dark. A key turns in the lock and Ned enters. IN THE BEDROOM It's dark. Ned quietly undresses and slips into bed. INT. BEDROOM - CLOSE ON LANA - DAWN Sunlight creeps through the windows. Lana's eyes flutter open. She sees Ned beside her... sleeping. Suddenly, it hits her. She turns! Frank is on the other side, curled up, snoring. She's laying between both men! Lana elbows Frank. He stirs, groggy. She covers his mouth... indicating Ned. Frank's eyes bug out! He slips out of bed. The bed frame SQUEAKS LOUDLY! Frank freezes. Ned sleeps on steadily. Frank grabs his clothes. An unending torrent of coins fall out of his pants pockets, CLANGING on the floor! He freezes. Ned sleeps on. Frank retrieves the coins, clumsily stepping on the TV REMOTE CONTROL. A high-tech, sleekly designed TELEVISION MONITOR rises up... clicks ON. Frank tries frantically to push the set down, but it keeps rising into position. An IMAGE appears. It's WILLARD SCOTT, doing the weather on the TODAY SHOW. Frank grabs the remote control, frantically pounding on all the buttons. The VOLUME goes up... SOUND BLASTING! WILLARD SCOTT (on television) ...and Mrs. Prudy Ann Camomile of Delphi, Georgia is one-hundred and thirteen! What a gorgeous hunk of female! Smokes three cigars a day, drinks a straight shot of vodka at bedtime... and still has sex! The alarm clock goes off, CLANGING LOUDLY! Lana dives for it, slamming her hand down, killing the alarm. Going for a double-play, she flings the clock at the TV, nailing the on/off switch! Silence. Ned is still out cold. Frank moves toward the door... but with each step the floor CREAKS LOUDLY! He turns the knob. It CLUNKS! He pulls the door open v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y and it CRE-E-E-E-A-K-S like the piercing metal brakes of a train! He blows Lana a kiss, then pulls the door closed very gently. It sticks. He pulls harder. The knob pops off in his hand and he falls backward, tumbling down the stairs with a HUGE RACKET! Ned doesn't stir. Finally it's SILENT. Lana exhales. A SMALL BIRD lands on the sill of the open window, trilling a sweet little "CHIRP." Ned sits bolt upright, irritated. NED Damn birds! He grabs his shoe, heaving it toward the open window. EXT. NED'S HOUSE - MORNING Frank glances back up at the bedroom window with an arrogant smirk. WHAP! Ned's shoe hits him right in the face! EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY Ned comes down the courthouse steps. He pauses in the street, glimpsing the back of a WOMAN passing nearby... a STUNNING BLOND decked out in a clinging dress and fashionable hat... a long strip of toilet paper trailing from her high heel shoe. It must be LOLA. He turns to watch her. A HORN BLARES! BRAKES SCREECH! The SOUND OVERLAPS to... INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - DAY The door opens. Ned enters, looking terrible. Suit ripped, hair messed up, bruised and battered, briefcase crushed. LAURA My God, Ned... you look like you were hit by a bus. NED I was. (notices) Who's in my office? LAURA Max Shady's mother. NED Not again. INSIDE THE OFFICE MRS. SHADY, an older woman with a pleasant appearance, sits in an overstuffed leather chair. Ned and Laura enter. NED Hello, Mrs. Shady. Ned goes straight to his office closet, pulls out an identical blue suit... and starts stripping off his tattered clothes. NED Laura... check on my insurance. Make sure it's paid up. Laura reluctantly returns to the outer office. MRS. SHADY Good idea, Mr. Ravine. My son, Max, is getting out of prison tomorrow. NED (checks his watch) Gee, has it been seven years already? MRS. SHADY Seven long, miserable years in the slammer. And he's a bit pissed off. NED Well, being locked in a tiny room with no TV can make a guy feel pretty tense. MRS. SHADY I'm very concerned about him, Mr. Ravine. He said you were a two-bit shyster... and he's going to rip your head off and use it for a bowling ball! He goes to her, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder, looking her right in the eye, attempting to provide solace. NED I'm sure the experience wasn't all negative. He probably made a lot of friends... MRS. SHADY (ever hopeful) You think? NED ...learned a useful trade... MRS. SHADY Oh yes... live autopsies... NED ...caught up on all those books he wanted to read... She struggles to her feet feebly... MRS. SHADY Maybe so... but he said he's going to punch you in the testicles... She hauls off and PUNCHES him like a pile driver! WHAM! He doubles over, gasping. MRS. SHADY ...smash your face... She KNEES him in the face, raising him up... then nails him with a devastating RIGHT CROSS, spinning him around. He collapses over the desk. MRS. SHADY ...and decimate your wardrobe. She grabs the tail of his suit jacket and rips it up the back! MRS. SHADY And I wouldn't want that to happen. (spanks his butt) He's a naughty naughty boy. I just thought I should warn you. She turns and shuffles out, passing through the outer office. MRS. SHADY (to Laura) Bye for now. (pauses by desk) Oh... may I have a cookie? LAURA (at file cabinet) Sure. She grabs a handful of cookies and casually flings them at Laura... as she heads out the door. MRS. SHADY Thank yooooooooou. Laura rushes into Ned's office with the file folder. He staggers unsteadily by the desk. LAURA Oh my God, Ned. NED I hate when she comes to see me. LAURA Don't you realize, Ned?... you could be in real danger. NED (sees file) What's that? LAURA Extreme peril. You know, the risk of personal bodily harm. NED (points at file) No... I mean that. LAURA Your insurance file. But the policy's missing. Did you take it home? NED I don't think so. Laura looks puzzled... wondering where it might be. Then... LAURA Oh, wait a second... She goes to her desk in the outer office, digs through a drawer. Suddenly, she GASPS! She is holding... A FRAMED PHOTOGRAPH of her abusive HUSBAND... sneering. A circle has been drawn around his head with lipstick and a diagonal line slashed across his face. MATCH DISSOLVE TO: FLASHBACK HER HUSBAND'S FACE peers out through a sailboat porthole at stormy seas. A piece of masking tape stuck to the glass matches the diagonal line. INT. CABIN OF SAILBOAT - NIGHT Laura's Husband turns from the porthole. Laura cowers. The boat pitches and heaves, disturbing all the neatly hung towels, emblazoned with MINE - MINE - MINE across the bottom edge. Laura's Husband reacts with a crazed look in his eyes. Laura makes a break for it, running up on deck. EXT. SAILBOAT IN STORM - NIGHT Laura's Husband scrambles up onto the deck, looking fore and aft. Laura's vanished! He looks out to sea, calling... LAURA'S HUSBAND Lau-raaaaa! EXT. BEACH - NIGHT Laura paddles ashore, grasping a little kid's inflatable float ring. She struggles onto the sand and looks out to sea, triumphant... tossing the plastic float aside. MONTAGE - ULTRA CONTEMPO BEACH HOUSE - NIGHT -- Laura rushes in, tracking water all through the house. -- Laura cuts an inch of hair from her amazingly long, very wet tresses, then puts on a WIG... that is also LONG and WET! -- Laura retrieves a bra and a package of Twinkies from a secret hiding place... and stuffs them into a small brown paper bag. -- Laura hurriedly mops up her water tracks, then... -- She uses an industrial buffer to wax the hardwood floor. -- Laura removes her wedding ring... throws it in the toilet. She reaches for the handle to flush it... hesitates, seeing the "CONSERVE WATER - THIS MEANS YOU!" sticker on the toilet. She reaches into the bowl and retrieves the ring. -- On the deck, Laura throws the wedding ring toward the ocean. A SEAGULL swoops down, snatching it in mid-air and flies off. OMIT Sequence omitted from original script. -- In the bathroom... the Seagull flies in through the open window, lands on the back of the toilet and drops the ring... into the toilet bowl! EXT. THE BEACH - NEXT MORNING Laura's Husband reaches into the surf and picks up the deflated float ring. He looks at it with a cruel sneer. INT. BEACH HOUSE - BATHROOM Laura's Husband fishes Laura's wedding ring out of the toilet bowl... looking off with demonic rage! END FLASHBACK MONTAGE THE CAMERA PULLS BACK from Laura's SCREAMING mouth! Her eyes are filled with pure terror! A GIGANTIC wave of WATER splashes in her face! We see Ned... holding a tiny empty paper cup in his hand. Laura is completely drenched! NED Laura! Are you alright? That was a very long flashback you had. She snaps out of it, sputtering. LAURA Yes... I know. It's okay. I'm just a little... pre-menstrual. She goes to her desk, still upset. She picks up the message spike and turns to Ned. LAURA That Lola Cain... "person"... stopped by. She left this! She thrusts it toward Ned's face! There's a business card stuck on the end. He pulls it off. ANGLE - CLOSE ON BUSINESS CARD It reads: LE HOT CLUB! No Air Conditioning... And Proud Of It! Scribbled next to it is the message... "Meet me at 7:30". The edges of the card are scorched. INT. LE HOT CLUB - NIGHT It's dark, seductive, smoky, crowded... and HOT. Everybody is dripping with sweat and holding unlit cigarettes. Ned enters, sees Lola sitting on a stool at the bar, one leg crossed provocatively over the other. A beer can is stuck to the gum on the bottom of her shoe. It falls off with a CLUNK. He sits on the stool next to her. She looks at him, smiles. NED Oh yeah, before I forget... you asked me to take care of this. He reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a LIT CIGARETTE. It has a very long ash. LOLA Thanks... She takes it... inhales a drag, then lets the smoke flow out through her smile. It flows out for a loooooooooong time! More smoke than she could ever have inhaled. Then... NED You smoke too much. (looks around, then) It's hot tonight. LOLA Is it? I never know. My body heat runs about twenty degrees above normal. He notices the drink in her hand is BOILING. A saxophone begins to softly wail Lola's Theme. Ned looks over to see a QUARTET, featuring Dizzy on sax. The GUITARIST spontaneously bursts into FLAME! A FIREMAN, in full gear, jumps up from the bar and puts out the blaze with a fire extinguisher. None of the band members miss a beat. NED Maybe we should look for a cooler place. LOLA I doubt we'll find one. Even the wind chimes on my porch aren't moving much these days. They keep thudding softly, like dairy cows bumping butts in the night. I go out there expecting to find a cool breeze... but it's just a lot of hot air. Ned glances at the MALE CUSTOMERS... sitting at the bar across from them. They're staring coldly at Ned. NED What're they lookin' at? LOLA A lot of them have tried that seat. You're the first one's lasted this long. NED I feel honored. LOLA Don't. It's broken. A beat of realization, then the stool collapses with a CRASH! Ned pulls himself back up and drags another stool over. NED Did you bring the... papers? LOLA No. I thought you might come over... NED Sure. I'll drive you. LOLA I brought my own car. NED I'll follow you then. LOLA I know it sounds silly, but would you leave first... wait in your car? I come here a lot and I wouldn't want those men to think I'm "easy"... a slut who'll jump into bed with anyone at the drop of a hat. But if you leave first... NED ...they'll think I'm a putz for passing up a sure thing. Lola stares at Ned for a long moment... then SLAPS his face. He doesn't move, remaining staunchly macho. Then, suddenly, she SLUGS HIM so hard it knocks him over the top of the bar! LOLA (for all to hear) Now leave me alone! She pauses to give him a flicker of a COY SMILE... then picks up her drink and moves to a nearby table. Ned struggles to his feet and staggers to the door. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Ned is a mess! Blood trickles from the side of his mouth. Shirt soaked in sweat. He turns the radio ON. LOLA'S THEME starts playing. A small ceiling fan hangs from the interior roof of his car, turning slowly. The venetian blinds on his side windows are partially open, letting in slashes of dramatic light. ANGLE - HIS POV OF ROAD He's following Lola's car. It signals and turns left. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Still hot, Ned pulls the chain on the ceiling fan. It spins faster. MUCH faster! The car becomes like a wind tunnel! EXT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT The two cars enter a long drive, coming to a stop near a large two story house surrounded by lush greenery. Ned climbs out... his wind-blown hair flattened on one side and sticking out crazily. ANGLE - LOLA'S CAR DOOR - NED'S POV It opens. Lola's legs swing out. The CAMERA PANS DOWN her long legs to her feet. The car floormat is stuck to one shoe. She casually shakes it off... going to the front door. INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT They enter. It's DARK. Ned squints into the shadows. NED Well, here we are... in the dark. LOLA I have The Clapper. NED You what? Lola CLAPS her hands twice and all the LIGHTS COME ON. She smiles at him... drops her car keys on the hall table, then goes up the stairs. Ned drops his car keys on the table too and follows her. EXT. PORCH OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola clicks on a porch light. She and Ned step out. Dozens of small boxes hang around the perimeter of the porch. LOLA My wind chimes. Ned steps over, running his hands along the boxes. They "thud" against each other. NED You know, these would work a lot better if you took them out of the boxes. He slips several boxes off, releasing clusters of the metal chimes. They "tinkle" and "clang" melodically in the breeze. LOLA Well well... I guess you have been around. I'm impressed. She moves close, coming on to him. Ned feels uneasy. NED Why don't we take a look at those... papers? LOLA (remembering) Papers. Right. INT. DRESSING AREA OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola comes in, looks around, then down. She removes her shoe, pulling off two scraps of paper stuck to the gum on her heel. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Ned is looking through a book... "KAMIKAZE KAMA SUTRA - The Encyclopedia of Deadly Sexual Positions." Lola comes back in, hands Ned the two scraps of paper. NED That's it? These are the... papers? LOLA Yes. They're so confusing to me. Can you tell me what they are? He checks them out... shrugs. It's obvious. NED This one's a laundry receipt... and the other one's an expired lottery ticket. He hands them back to her, but she gently pushes them away. LOLA No. You keep them... as a memento of our time together. She slips them into his jacket pocket... then sensuously slides her hands around him, grabbing his buns, pulling him closer. LOLA I'm so grateful. How can I ever repay you for all you've done? NED Cash would be nice. LOLA Isn't there some other way? NED I suppose you could wash my car. LOLA No, I mean, isn't there something else you want? Something I could give you? She seductively starts to slide the jacket off his shoulders. NED Hey... slow down... there's a speed limit in this state. Sixty-five miles an hour. LOLA How fast was I going, officer? NED Oh, about a hundred and twenty-three. LOLA Suppose you pull me over and frisk me? NED Suppose I let you off with a warning? LOLA Suppose I find a cop with a bigger nightstick? NED Suppose I put you under arrest for being a bad girl with bad thoughts? LOLA Suppose you handcuff me to the bed? NED (rapid run-on) Suppose I do and then we lose the key and while I'm gone to get a duplicate made the house catches on fire and I can't get back to save you because the bridge is washed out and so you die a horrible death toasted like a Polish sausage on a flaming spit! (shakes his head) Nah... I better be going. He turns and leaves. She is stunned, confused, breathless. EXT. FRONT DOOR - NIGHT Ned opens the door, pauses, turns... as Lola joins him there. She looks into his eyes with desire. LOLA You're not so tough. Last chance. She moves her lips close to his, about to kiss him. Then... NED No thanks. I got a cold shower and a wife who trusts me waiting at home. LOLA What's the matter? Don't you want me? It's the way I look, isn't it? He steps out, pauses... turns to her. NED Don't forget to lock up. Ned pulls the door shut. The lock CLICKS. He pauses by his car, realizing | cup | How many times the word 'cup' appears in the text? | 2 |
woman can do... with a bobbie pin. Ned looks at the door. The frame and lock have been brutally chewed away, as if someone used a jackhammer on them! She pulls out a pack of cigarettes... BLACK LUNG LITES. LOLA (offering) Cigarette? NED No... thanks. They're bad for ya. He goes to the water cooler. She lights up, exhaling a soft cloud of smoke through a sleepy smile, her voice purring. LOLA Yes, I know. I like things that are bad for me. (touching lawbooks) So... I hear you go both ways. Ned hesitates... about to drink from the paper cup. NED Only once. It was a fraternity prank. I never saw him again. He gulps the water down, crumbles the cup in his hand. LOLA No, I mean... you're a cop and a lawyer. NED Oh. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of scum out there on the streets... but they all deserve a fair and costly trial. Ned turns, tries to casually "dunk" the crumpled cup in the waste basket. He misses. Laura enters with a huge pile of lawbooks in her arms. She sees Ned miss the basket and darts over as he bends down to pick it up. LAURA I'll get that. She picks it up and tosses it into the waste basket. NED Oh... Laura... this is, uh... LOLA Lola Cain. Laura sets the heavy load of books on the desk and steps toward Lola, extending her hand. Lola takes her time removing the long white glove... finally reaching out and shaking Laura's hand with a condescending air. LOLA (sarcastic) So lovely to meet you, Laura. Ned grabs the books and turns to the bookshelf, replacing each lawbook in its proper slot. The "handshake" between Lola and Laura turns tense, then aggressive, eventually becoming a "standing Indian wrestle" as they try to force each other off balance with sheer force. Ned is oblivious to the battle behind him, chattering away. NED Gotta keep these darn books in their right place or we'll never find the ones we need. Let's see, Q thru M... R thru B... W thru F... Laura suddenly whirls Lola around, putting her in an arm lock. But Lola elbows Laura in the stomach! Laura doubles over. Lola feigns sympathy, taking her hand... then spins, twisting Laura's arm, flipping her head over heels! Laura lands on the couch... upside down... gasping. Lola strikes a haughty pose, still holding her lit cigarette. She takes a drag. Laura checks her watch, then tumbles off the couch, landing on her feet. She straightens her skirt. LAURA It's getting late. I'll give you a ride home, Ned. Finished with the books, Ned turns... smiles. NED I have my car. LAURA I'll tow you. NED Not today. You don't need to wait. I'll see you tomorrow. Lola looks at Laura... icy, haughty, triumphant. Laura moves reluctantly toward the door, sees the lock and door frame chewed to pieces... whirls around, heads back toward Ned. LAURA I should call someone to fix this... NED Tomorrow... She instantly spins around, heads back toward the door... LAURA I'll call from home. ...and exits. Ned sits down on the corner of the desk. Lola sits in the chair across from him. LOLA I think I should warn you, Mr. Ravine... I'm not wearing any underwear. She crosses her legs suggestively... then slowly, enticingly, re-crosses them in the other direction. Unimpressed, Ned opens Laura's desk drawer... pulls a pair of sexy lace panties from a Kleenex-style dispenser box labeled "PANDORA'S POP-UP PANTIES"... which pulls another pair up into position. He tosses the panties to Lola. NED Try these on. She does... very, very slowly and seductively... as they talk. NED So... what can I do for you? LOLA I've run across some... papers... and I thought you might be able to tell me what they are. You see, I'm not very experienced when it comes to... papers. NED I'll help you Miss Cain, if I'm able. Do you have the... papers... here? LOLA No... they're at home. I thought you might stop by... NED I'm on duty tonight. LOLA Don't they ever give you a night off? NED Yeah. Tomorrow. LOLA (picks up cigarette) Why don't we meet tomorrow evening then? She finishes pulling the panties on with a sultry smile... "snapping" the elastic waistband. She goes to the door, pauses... turns to him. LOLA I'll let you know where. NED (steps over to her) What's wrong with my office? She looks around, exhaling another cloud of smoke. LOLA Nothing a good interior decorator couldn't fix. She opens the door. Behind her, in the hall, we see Dizzy, the saxophone player, wailing away on "Lola's Theme." CLOSE ON LOLA She takes a final, long drag on her cigarette, then reaches O.S. with it... toward Ned. LOLA Take care of this for me, will ya? With a sultry smile, she turns and leaves, closing the door. ANGLE ON NED The cigarette is stuck in his nose. INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT The front door swings open. Frank is standing there, dressed in a cheap, loose-fitting suit and a T-shirt. FRANK I came back for my shower cap. Lana, now wearing the diaphanous gown, pulls him inside. She kisses him hungrily, slipping a frilly plastic shower cap with a gaudy floral design on his head. LANA Yeah, well you came to the right place. She walks to the living room. Frank follows, still wearing the shower cap. Lana snaps her fingers. LANA Sit down. He sits in a chair, looking around. FRANK Where is he? LANA On duty all night. By the time he wraps up his reports, it'll be close to noon tomorrow. She sits on the couch, picks up a stack of papers. LANA I was just reading over... She looks up at Frank. Sees the shower cap. LANA Take off the hat, Frank. He slips the shower cap off as Lana continues. LANA I was just reading over my husband's insurance policies. You wouldn't know anything about insurance, would you, Frankie? FRANK Yeah, matter of fact, I sell policies part-time. I got half a brain... or didn't you notice? LANA I musta had my eye on something else. (hands him papers) How about a translation. He flips through, scanning the pages, shrugging. FRANK Standard accident policy... all the usual stuff... blah, blah, blah. The face value is... Wow. Not bad. Three million bucks! (flips page) And there's a triple indemnity rider. LANA Meaning? FRANK Aw, it's just something agents throw in so we can boost the premium. If the policy holder dies under very specific conditions, it pays off three times the face value of the policy. LANA Nine million dollars...? FRANK Yeah... but it's a sure bet for the company. Nobody ever collects. LANA Why not? FRANK Well, like here... it only pays off if he's shot with a pistol, falls from a moving northbound train and drowns in a fresh water stream. LANA All three? FRANK See what I mean, sweetheart? What are the odds of that? LANA It could happen. (dramatic beat) Suppose it did happen? FRANK Then you'd be rich. LANA Then we'd be rich. FRANK What're you sayin'...? She drops to her knees in front of him, her face close to his, speaking with a persuasive urgency. LANA We're gonna kill the son-of-a-bitch! And I know exactly how! He has a legal symposium in Santa Barbara this weekend... All we have to do is get him to take the train up instead of driving. FRANK How we gonna do that? Didn't you tell me he hates trains? LANA That's where you come in, baby. You're gonna rig his car so it doesn't work. That should be no problem for you. She gets up, walks to the adjoining room... snapping her fingers at her side. He follows. She steps to a table, pulls the cover off an elaborate scale- model of Dealey Plaza and a train station, complete with HO- Scale model trains chugging around the tracks. She uses a pointer to trace the route to the depot. LANA Then... we give him a lift to the train station... through Dealey Plaza, past the Book Suppository and around the grassy knoll... FRANK Isn't that out of our way? Ignoring this, she turns the LIGHTS OFF, walks over to a screen and picks up a remote control. She clicks the button. A SLIDE PROJECTOR comes on, throwing an IMAGE on Frank's back. We can read the words: THE PLAN. LANA Move, Frank. He moves over. "THE PLAN" appears on the screen. LANA And pay attention. As she talks, IMAGES appear on the screen, accompanying her rapid spiel. We see: a shot of the depot, a map of the rail route, a gun, a river, a Bingo game, baseball action and a huge dollar sign! LANA Ten minutes out of the station he'll be standing in the vestibule between cars... trying to avoid a panic attack. Fourteen minutes and ten seconds out, the train crosses the Santa Ynez River. So at thirteen minutes and fifty-four seconds, I shoot him, shove him out the door... he hits the river and drowns. Bingo! A triple play. We're rich! The lights click ON. FRANK You been thinking about this a lot, haven't you? LANA No. It just came to me. (closer, seductive) I had this image of a big, powerful, throbbing train... plunging into a long, dark, wet tunnel. They embrace, kissing passionately, dropping out of frame. The model train CHUGS faster, the train whistle SHRIEKING a long "Woooooooo-woooooooooo!"... racing into a model tunnel. INT. POLICE STATION - SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT Ned and Arch drag in a bunch of bad-ass, multi-ethnic GANG MEMBERS they've just busted. Ned angrily shoves one of the toughest gang members against the wall... losing his cool. NED Stand over there and shut up! GANG MEMBER #1 Hey, man, we got rights! Don't you be layin' no deleterious malfeasance on us. Ned goes ballistic and slams him into the wall again! NED Watch your mouth, punk! I don't want to hear language like that! Arch grabs Ned by the shoulder, pulling him back, calming him. ARCH Whoa, hold on, hoss! Take it easy. You seem a little tense tonight. What is it? Ned regains his composure. He's depressed. NED Aw... I don't know. I guess it's Lana. It's just... I know she wants to have a baby so bad... Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. NED ...but I never get to spend any time with her. And when I am home... it's like she's, you know... avoiding sex. Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. GANG MEMBER #1 You should try to be more sensitive, man. More romantic. Bring her flowers. He steps between them, putting his arm around Ned's shoulder. GANG MEMBER #1 Try to understand how she feels. After all... He steps back, begins to SING "Try A Little Tenderness"... GANG MEMBER #1 She may be weary... Women do get weary... Wearing that same old shabby dress... But when she's weary... Try a little ten-der-ness... The other Gang Members join in on the SECOND VERSE with a sweet, mellow street-corner harmony as back-up... and some smooth group choreography. The COPS on duty listen raptly, getting maudlin and dewey- eyed. Tears roll down the cheeks of the BOOKING SERGEANT. The lights dim. A big, gruff COP makes eyes at a HOOKER being booked... and they start to slow dance. Arch watches all this with a sentimental smile, munching on his Nachos. When the song ends, Arch puts a comforting hand, covered with Nacho cheese, on Ned's shoulder. NED That can't be it. I'm the tenderest guy on the force. Nah... I think she's just afraid she won't be able to get pregnant. ARCH What's to be afraid! It's like making breakfast! You bring home the bacon... she's got the eggs. Ya scramble it up. Ba-da-boom ba-da-bing! She's got an omelette in the oven! (a beat, then) Why don't you knock off early... go home. It'd be nice for Lana to wake up in the morning and find you there for a change. NED Naw... I can't. I got all this paperwork. ARCH Don't worry about that. GANG MEMBER #1 We'll do our own paperwork, man! OTHER GANG MEMBERS Yeah! We'll fill out all that shit. Ned nods, smiles and gratefully "high-fives" the Gang Members as he heads for the door. INT. THE HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT The house is dark. A key turns in the lock and Ned enters. IN THE BEDROOM It's dark. Ned quietly undresses and slips into bed. INT. BEDROOM - CLOSE ON LANA - DAWN Sunlight creeps through the windows. Lana's eyes flutter open. She sees Ned beside her... sleeping. Suddenly, it hits her. She turns! Frank is on the other side, curled up, snoring. She's laying between both men! Lana elbows Frank. He stirs, groggy. She covers his mouth... indicating Ned. Frank's eyes bug out! He slips out of bed. The bed frame SQUEAKS LOUDLY! Frank freezes. Ned sleeps on steadily. Frank grabs his clothes. An unending torrent of coins fall out of his pants pockets, CLANGING on the floor! He freezes. Ned sleeps on. Frank retrieves the coins, clumsily stepping on the TV REMOTE CONTROL. A high-tech, sleekly designed TELEVISION MONITOR rises up... clicks ON. Frank tries frantically to push the set down, but it keeps rising into position. An IMAGE appears. It's WILLARD SCOTT, doing the weather on the TODAY SHOW. Frank grabs the remote control, frantically pounding on all the buttons. The VOLUME goes up... SOUND BLASTING! WILLARD SCOTT (on television) ...and Mrs. Prudy Ann Camomile of Delphi, Georgia is one-hundred and thirteen! What a gorgeous hunk of female! Smokes three cigars a day, drinks a straight shot of vodka at bedtime... and still has sex! The alarm clock goes off, CLANGING LOUDLY! Lana dives for it, slamming her hand down, killing the alarm. Going for a double-play, she flings the clock at the TV, nailing the on/off switch! Silence. Ned is still out cold. Frank moves toward the door... but with each step the floor CREAKS LOUDLY! He turns the knob. It CLUNKS! He pulls the door open v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y and it CRE-E-E-E-A-K-S like the piercing metal brakes of a train! He blows Lana a kiss, then pulls the door closed very gently. It sticks. He pulls harder. The knob pops off in his hand and he falls backward, tumbling down the stairs with a HUGE RACKET! Ned doesn't stir. Finally it's SILENT. Lana exhales. A SMALL BIRD lands on the sill of the open window, trilling a sweet little "CHIRP." Ned sits bolt upright, irritated. NED Damn birds! He grabs his shoe, heaving it toward the open window. EXT. NED'S HOUSE - MORNING Frank glances back up at the bedroom window with an arrogant smirk. WHAP! Ned's shoe hits him right in the face! EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY Ned comes down the courthouse steps. He pauses in the street, glimpsing the back of a WOMAN passing nearby... a STUNNING BLOND decked out in a clinging dress and fashionable hat... a long strip of toilet paper trailing from her high heel shoe. It must be LOLA. He turns to watch her. A HORN BLARES! BRAKES SCREECH! The SOUND OVERLAPS to... INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - DAY The door opens. Ned enters, looking terrible. Suit ripped, hair messed up, bruised and battered, briefcase crushed. LAURA My God, Ned... you look like you were hit by a bus. NED I was. (notices) Who's in my office? LAURA Max Shady's mother. NED Not again. INSIDE THE OFFICE MRS. SHADY, an older woman with a pleasant appearance, sits in an overstuffed leather chair. Ned and Laura enter. NED Hello, Mrs. Shady. Ned goes straight to his office closet, pulls out an identical blue suit... and starts stripping off his tattered clothes. NED Laura... check on my insurance. Make sure it's paid up. Laura reluctantly returns to the outer office. MRS. SHADY Good idea, Mr. Ravine. My son, Max, is getting out of prison tomorrow. NED (checks his watch) Gee, has it been seven years already? MRS. SHADY Seven long, miserable years in the slammer. And he's a bit pissed off. NED Well, being locked in a tiny room with no TV can make a guy feel pretty tense. MRS. SHADY I'm very concerned about him, Mr. Ravine. He said you were a two-bit shyster... and he's going to rip your head off and use it for a bowling ball! He goes to her, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder, looking her right in the eye, attempting to provide solace. NED I'm sure the experience wasn't all negative. He probably made a lot of friends... MRS. SHADY (ever hopeful) You think? NED ...learned a useful trade... MRS. SHADY Oh yes... live autopsies... NED ...caught up on all those books he wanted to read... She struggles to her feet feebly... MRS. SHADY Maybe so... but he said he's going to punch you in the testicles... She hauls off and PUNCHES him like a pile driver! WHAM! He doubles over, gasping. MRS. SHADY ...smash your face... She KNEES him in the face, raising him up... then nails him with a devastating RIGHT CROSS, spinning him around. He collapses over the desk. MRS. SHADY ...and decimate your wardrobe. She grabs the tail of his suit jacket and rips it up the back! MRS. SHADY And I wouldn't want that to happen. (spanks his butt) He's a naughty naughty boy. I just thought I should warn you. She turns and shuffles out, passing through the outer office. MRS. SHADY (to Laura) Bye for now. (pauses by desk) Oh... may I have a cookie? LAURA (at file cabinet) Sure. She grabs a handful of cookies and casually flings them at Laura... as she heads out the door. MRS. SHADY Thank yooooooooou. Laura rushes into Ned's office with the file folder. He staggers unsteadily by the desk. LAURA Oh my God, Ned. NED I hate when she comes to see me. LAURA Don't you realize, Ned?... you could be in real danger. NED (sees file) What's that? LAURA Extreme peril. You know, the risk of personal bodily harm. NED (points at file) No... I mean that. LAURA Your insurance file. But the policy's missing. Did you take it home? NED I don't think so. Laura looks puzzled... wondering where it might be. Then... LAURA Oh, wait a second... She goes to her desk in the outer office, digs through a drawer. Suddenly, she GASPS! She is holding... A FRAMED PHOTOGRAPH of her abusive HUSBAND... sneering. A circle has been drawn around his head with lipstick and a diagonal line slashed across his face. MATCH DISSOLVE TO: FLASHBACK HER HUSBAND'S FACE peers out through a sailboat porthole at stormy seas. A piece of masking tape stuck to the glass matches the diagonal line. INT. CABIN OF SAILBOAT - NIGHT Laura's Husband turns from the porthole. Laura cowers. The boat pitches and heaves, disturbing all the neatly hung towels, emblazoned with MINE - MINE - MINE across the bottom edge. Laura's Husband reacts with a crazed look in his eyes. Laura makes a break for it, running up on deck. EXT. SAILBOAT IN STORM - NIGHT Laura's Husband scrambles up onto the deck, looking fore and aft. Laura's vanished! He looks out to sea, calling... LAURA'S HUSBAND Lau-raaaaa! EXT. BEACH - NIGHT Laura paddles ashore, grasping a little kid's inflatable float ring. She struggles onto the sand and looks out to sea, triumphant... tossing the plastic float aside. MONTAGE - ULTRA CONTEMPO BEACH HOUSE - NIGHT -- Laura rushes in, tracking water all through the house. -- Laura cuts an inch of hair from her amazingly long, very wet tresses, then puts on a WIG... that is also LONG and WET! -- Laura retrieves a bra and a package of Twinkies from a secret hiding place... and stuffs them into a small brown paper bag. -- Laura hurriedly mops up her water tracks, then... -- She uses an industrial buffer to wax the hardwood floor. -- Laura removes her wedding ring... throws it in the toilet. She reaches for the handle to flush it... hesitates, seeing the "CONSERVE WATER - THIS MEANS YOU!" sticker on the toilet. She reaches into the bowl and retrieves the ring. -- On the deck, Laura throws the wedding ring toward the ocean. A SEAGULL swoops down, snatching it in mid-air and flies off. OMIT Sequence omitted from original script. -- In the bathroom... the Seagull flies in through the open window, lands on the back of the toilet and drops the ring... into the toilet bowl! EXT. THE BEACH - NEXT MORNING Laura's Husband reaches into the surf and picks up the deflated float ring. He looks at it with a cruel sneer. INT. BEACH HOUSE - BATHROOM Laura's Husband fishes Laura's wedding ring out of the toilet bowl... looking off with demonic rage! END FLASHBACK MONTAGE THE CAMERA PULLS BACK from Laura's SCREAMING mouth! Her eyes are filled with pure terror! A GIGANTIC wave of WATER splashes in her face! We see Ned... holding a tiny empty paper cup in his hand. Laura is completely drenched! NED Laura! Are you alright? That was a very long flashback you had. She snaps out of it, sputtering. LAURA Yes... I know. It's okay. I'm just a little... pre-menstrual. She goes to her desk, still upset. She picks up the message spike and turns to Ned. LAURA That Lola Cain... "person"... stopped by. She left this! She thrusts it toward Ned's face! There's a business card stuck on the end. He pulls it off. ANGLE - CLOSE ON BUSINESS CARD It reads: LE HOT CLUB! No Air Conditioning... And Proud Of It! Scribbled next to it is the message... "Meet me at 7:30". The edges of the card are scorched. INT. LE HOT CLUB - NIGHT It's dark, seductive, smoky, crowded... and HOT. Everybody is dripping with sweat and holding unlit cigarettes. Ned enters, sees Lola sitting on a stool at the bar, one leg crossed provocatively over the other. A beer can is stuck to the gum on the bottom of her shoe. It falls off with a CLUNK. He sits on the stool next to her. She looks at him, smiles. NED Oh yeah, before I forget... you asked me to take care of this. He reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a LIT CIGARETTE. It has a very long ash. LOLA Thanks... She takes it... inhales a drag, then lets the smoke flow out through her smile. It flows out for a loooooooooong time! More smoke than she could ever have inhaled. Then... NED You smoke too much. (looks around, then) It's hot tonight. LOLA Is it? I never know. My body heat runs about twenty degrees above normal. He notices the drink in her hand is BOILING. A saxophone begins to softly wail Lola's Theme. Ned looks over to see a QUARTET, featuring Dizzy on sax. The GUITARIST spontaneously bursts into FLAME! A FIREMAN, in full gear, jumps up from the bar and puts out the blaze with a fire extinguisher. None of the band members miss a beat. NED Maybe we should look for a cooler place. LOLA I doubt we'll find one. Even the wind chimes on my porch aren't moving much these days. They keep thudding softly, like dairy cows bumping butts in the night. I go out there expecting to find a cool breeze... but it's just a lot of hot air. Ned glances at the MALE CUSTOMERS... sitting at the bar across from them. They're staring coldly at Ned. NED What're they lookin' at? LOLA A lot of them have tried that seat. You're the first one's lasted this long. NED I feel honored. LOLA Don't. It's broken. A beat of realization, then the stool collapses with a CRASH! Ned pulls himself back up and drags another stool over. NED Did you bring the... papers? LOLA No. I thought you might come over... NED Sure. I'll drive you. LOLA I brought my own car. NED I'll follow you then. LOLA I know it sounds silly, but would you leave first... wait in your car? I come here a lot and I wouldn't want those men to think I'm "easy"... a slut who'll jump into bed with anyone at the drop of a hat. But if you leave first... NED ...they'll think I'm a putz for passing up a sure thing. Lola stares at Ned for a long moment... then SLAPS his face. He doesn't move, remaining staunchly macho. Then, suddenly, she SLUGS HIM so hard it knocks him over the top of the bar! LOLA (for all to hear) Now leave me alone! She pauses to give him a flicker of a COY SMILE... then picks up her drink and moves to a nearby table. Ned struggles to his feet and staggers to the door. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Ned is a mess! Blood trickles from the side of his mouth. Shirt soaked in sweat. He turns the radio ON. LOLA'S THEME starts playing. A small ceiling fan hangs from the interior roof of his car, turning slowly. The venetian blinds on his side windows are partially open, letting in slashes of dramatic light. ANGLE - HIS POV OF ROAD He's following Lola's car. It signals and turns left. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Still hot, Ned pulls the chain on the ceiling fan. It spins faster. MUCH faster! The car becomes like a wind tunnel! EXT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT The two cars enter a long drive, coming to a stop near a large two story house surrounded by lush greenery. Ned climbs out... his wind-blown hair flattened on one side and sticking out crazily. ANGLE - LOLA'S CAR DOOR - NED'S POV It opens. Lola's legs swing out. The CAMERA PANS DOWN her long legs to her feet. The car floormat is stuck to one shoe. She casually shakes it off... going to the front door. INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT They enter. It's DARK. Ned squints into the shadows. NED Well, here we are... in the dark. LOLA I have The Clapper. NED You what? Lola CLAPS her hands twice and all the LIGHTS COME ON. She smiles at him... drops her car keys on the hall table, then goes up the stairs. Ned drops his car keys on the table too and follows her. EXT. PORCH OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola clicks on a porch light. She and Ned step out. Dozens of small boxes hang around the perimeter of the porch. LOLA My wind chimes. Ned steps over, running his hands along the boxes. They "thud" against each other. NED You know, these would work a lot better if you took them out of the boxes. He slips several boxes off, releasing clusters of the metal chimes. They "tinkle" and "clang" melodically in the breeze. LOLA Well well... I guess you have been around. I'm impressed. She moves close, coming on to him. Ned feels uneasy. NED Why don't we take a look at those... papers? LOLA (remembering) Papers. Right. INT. DRESSING AREA OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola comes in, looks around, then down. She removes her shoe, pulling off two scraps of paper stuck to the gum on her heel. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Ned is looking through a book... "KAMIKAZE KAMA SUTRA - The Encyclopedia of Deadly Sexual Positions." Lola comes back in, hands Ned the two scraps of paper. NED That's it? These are the... papers? LOLA Yes. They're so confusing to me. Can you tell me what they are? He checks them out... shrugs. It's obvious. NED This one's a laundry receipt... and the other one's an expired lottery ticket. He hands them back to her, but she gently pushes them away. LOLA No. You keep them... as a memento of our time together. She slips them into his jacket pocket... then sensuously slides her hands around him, grabbing his buns, pulling him closer. LOLA I'm so grateful. How can I ever repay you for all you've done? NED Cash would be nice. LOLA Isn't there some other way? NED I suppose you could wash my car. LOLA No, I mean, isn't there something else you want? Something I could give you? She seductively starts to slide the jacket off his shoulders. NED Hey... slow down... there's a speed limit in this state. Sixty-five miles an hour. LOLA How fast was I going, officer? NED Oh, about a hundred and twenty-three. LOLA Suppose you pull me over and frisk me? NED Suppose I let you off with a warning? LOLA Suppose I find a cop with a bigger nightstick? NED Suppose I put you under arrest for being a bad girl with bad thoughts? LOLA Suppose you handcuff me to the bed? NED (rapid run-on) Suppose I do and then we lose the key and while I'm gone to get a duplicate made the house catches on fire and I can't get back to save you because the bridge is washed out and so you die a horrible death toasted like a Polish sausage on a flaming spit! (shakes his head) Nah... I better be going. He turns and leaves. She is stunned, confused, breathless. EXT. FRONT DOOR - NIGHT Ned opens the door, pauses, turns... as Lola joins him there. She looks into his eyes with desire. LOLA You're not so tough. Last chance. She moves her lips close to his, about to kiss him. Then... NED No thanks. I got a cold shower and a wife who trusts me waiting at home. LOLA What's the matter? Don't you want me? It's the way I look, isn't it? He steps out, pauses... turns to her. NED Don't forget to lock up. Ned pulls the door shut. The lock CLICKS. He pauses by his car, realizing | window | How many times the word 'window' appears in the text? | 2 |
woman can do... with a bobbie pin. Ned looks at the door. The frame and lock have been brutally chewed away, as if someone used a jackhammer on them! She pulls out a pack of cigarettes... BLACK LUNG LITES. LOLA (offering) Cigarette? NED No... thanks. They're bad for ya. He goes to the water cooler. She lights up, exhaling a soft cloud of smoke through a sleepy smile, her voice purring. LOLA Yes, I know. I like things that are bad for me. (touching lawbooks) So... I hear you go both ways. Ned hesitates... about to drink from the paper cup. NED Only once. It was a fraternity prank. I never saw him again. He gulps the water down, crumbles the cup in his hand. LOLA No, I mean... you're a cop and a lawyer. NED Oh. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of scum out there on the streets... but they all deserve a fair and costly trial. Ned turns, tries to casually "dunk" the crumpled cup in the waste basket. He misses. Laura enters with a huge pile of lawbooks in her arms. She sees Ned miss the basket and darts over as he bends down to pick it up. LAURA I'll get that. She picks it up and tosses it into the waste basket. NED Oh... Laura... this is, uh... LOLA Lola Cain. Laura sets the heavy load of books on the desk and steps toward Lola, extending her hand. Lola takes her time removing the long white glove... finally reaching out and shaking Laura's hand with a condescending air. LOLA (sarcastic) So lovely to meet you, Laura. Ned grabs the books and turns to the bookshelf, replacing each lawbook in its proper slot. The "handshake" between Lola and Laura turns tense, then aggressive, eventually becoming a "standing Indian wrestle" as they try to force each other off balance with sheer force. Ned is oblivious to the battle behind him, chattering away. NED Gotta keep these darn books in their right place or we'll never find the ones we need. Let's see, Q thru M... R thru B... W thru F... Laura suddenly whirls Lola around, putting her in an arm lock. But Lola elbows Laura in the stomach! Laura doubles over. Lola feigns sympathy, taking her hand... then spins, twisting Laura's arm, flipping her head over heels! Laura lands on the couch... upside down... gasping. Lola strikes a haughty pose, still holding her lit cigarette. She takes a drag. Laura checks her watch, then tumbles off the couch, landing on her feet. She straightens her skirt. LAURA It's getting late. I'll give you a ride home, Ned. Finished with the books, Ned turns... smiles. NED I have my car. LAURA I'll tow you. NED Not today. You don't need to wait. I'll see you tomorrow. Lola looks at Laura... icy, haughty, triumphant. Laura moves reluctantly toward the door, sees the lock and door frame chewed to pieces... whirls around, heads back toward Ned. LAURA I should call someone to fix this... NED Tomorrow... She instantly spins around, heads back toward the door... LAURA I'll call from home. ...and exits. Ned sits down on the corner of the desk. Lola sits in the chair across from him. LOLA I think I should warn you, Mr. Ravine... I'm not wearing any underwear. She crosses her legs suggestively... then slowly, enticingly, re-crosses them in the other direction. Unimpressed, Ned opens Laura's desk drawer... pulls a pair of sexy lace panties from a Kleenex-style dispenser box labeled "PANDORA'S POP-UP PANTIES"... which pulls another pair up into position. He tosses the panties to Lola. NED Try these on. She does... very, very slowly and seductively... as they talk. NED So... what can I do for you? LOLA I've run across some... papers... and I thought you might be able to tell me what they are. You see, I'm not very experienced when it comes to... papers. NED I'll help you Miss Cain, if I'm able. Do you have the... papers... here? LOLA No... they're at home. I thought you might stop by... NED I'm on duty tonight. LOLA Don't they ever give you a night off? NED Yeah. Tomorrow. LOLA (picks up cigarette) Why don't we meet tomorrow evening then? She finishes pulling the panties on with a sultry smile... "snapping" the elastic waistband. She goes to the door, pauses... turns to him. LOLA I'll let you know where. NED (steps over to her) What's wrong with my office? She looks around, exhaling another cloud of smoke. LOLA Nothing a good interior decorator couldn't fix. She opens the door. Behind her, in the hall, we see Dizzy, the saxophone player, wailing away on "Lola's Theme." CLOSE ON LOLA She takes a final, long drag on her cigarette, then reaches O.S. with it... toward Ned. LOLA Take care of this for me, will ya? With a sultry smile, she turns and leaves, closing the door. ANGLE ON NED The cigarette is stuck in his nose. INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT The front door swings open. Frank is standing there, dressed in a cheap, loose-fitting suit and a T-shirt. FRANK I came back for my shower cap. Lana, now wearing the diaphanous gown, pulls him inside. She kisses him hungrily, slipping a frilly plastic shower cap with a gaudy floral design on his head. LANA Yeah, well you came to the right place. She walks to the living room. Frank follows, still wearing the shower cap. Lana snaps her fingers. LANA Sit down. He sits in a chair, looking around. FRANK Where is he? LANA On duty all night. By the time he wraps up his reports, it'll be close to noon tomorrow. She sits on the couch, picks up a stack of papers. LANA I was just reading over... She looks up at Frank. Sees the shower cap. LANA Take off the hat, Frank. He slips the shower cap off as Lana continues. LANA I was just reading over my husband's insurance policies. You wouldn't know anything about insurance, would you, Frankie? FRANK Yeah, matter of fact, I sell policies part-time. I got half a brain... or didn't you notice? LANA I musta had my eye on something else. (hands him papers) How about a translation. He flips through, scanning the pages, shrugging. FRANK Standard accident policy... all the usual stuff... blah, blah, blah. The face value is... Wow. Not bad. Three million bucks! (flips page) And there's a triple indemnity rider. LANA Meaning? FRANK Aw, it's just something agents throw in so we can boost the premium. If the policy holder dies under very specific conditions, it pays off three times the face value of the policy. LANA Nine million dollars...? FRANK Yeah... but it's a sure bet for the company. Nobody ever collects. LANA Why not? FRANK Well, like here... it only pays off if he's shot with a pistol, falls from a moving northbound train and drowns in a fresh water stream. LANA All three? FRANK See what I mean, sweetheart? What are the odds of that? LANA It could happen. (dramatic beat) Suppose it did happen? FRANK Then you'd be rich. LANA Then we'd be rich. FRANK What're you sayin'...? She drops to her knees in front of him, her face close to his, speaking with a persuasive urgency. LANA We're gonna kill the son-of-a-bitch! And I know exactly how! He has a legal symposium in Santa Barbara this weekend... All we have to do is get him to take the train up instead of driving. FRANK How we gonna do that? Didn't you tell me he hates trains? LANA That's where you come in, baby. You're gonna rig his car so it doesn't work. That should be no problem for you. She gets up, walks to the adjoining room... snapping her fingers at her side. He follows. She steps to a table, pulls the cover off an elaborate scale- model of Dealey Plaza and a train station, complete with HO- Scale model trains chugging around the tracks. She uses a pointer to trace the route to the depot. LANA Then... we give him a lift to the train station... through Dealey Plaza, past the Book Suppository and around the grassy knoll... FRANK Isn't that out of our way? Ignoring this, she turns the LIGHTS OFF, walks over to a screen and picks up a remote control. She clicks the button. A SLIDE PROJECTOR comes on, throwing an IMAGE on Frank's back. We can read the words: THE PLAN. LANA Move, Frank. He moves over. "THE PLAN" appears on the screen. LANA And pay attention. As she talks, IMAGES appear on the screen, accompanying her rapid spiel. We see: a shot of the depot, a map of the rail route, a gun, a river, a Bingo game, baseball action and a huge dollar sign! LANA Ten minutes out of the station he'll be standing in the vestibule between cars... trying to avoid a panic attack. Fourteen minutes and ten seconds out, the train crosses the Santa Ynez River. So at thirteen minutes and fifty-four seconds, I shoot him, shove him out the door... he hits the river and drowns. Bingo! A triple play. We're rich! The lights click ON. FRANK You been thinking about this a lot, haven't you? LANA No. It just came to me. (closer, seductive) I had this image of a big, powerful, throbbing train... plunging into a long, dark, wet tunnel. They embrace, kissing passionately, dropping out of frame. The model train CHUGS faster, the train whistle SHRIEKING a long "Woooooooo-woooooooooo!"... racing into a model tunnel. INT. POLICE STATION - SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT Ned and Arch drag in a bunch of bad-ass, multi-ethnic GANG MEMBERS they've just busted. Ned angrily shoves one of the toughest gang members against the wall... losing his cool. NED Stand over there and shut up! GANG MEMBER #1 Hey, man, we got rights! Don't you be layin' no deleterious malfeasance on us. Ned goes ballistic and slams him into the wall again! NED Watch your mouth, punk! I don't want to hear language like that! Arch grabs Ned by the shoulder, pulling him back, calming him. ARCH Whoa, hold on, hoss! Take it easy. You seem a little tense tonight. What is it? Ned regains his composure. He's depressed. NED Aw... I don't know. I guess it's Lana. It's just... I know she wants to have a baby so bad... Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. NED ...but I never get to spend any time with her. And when I am home... it's like she's, you know... avoiding sex. Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. GANG MEMBER #1 You should try to be more sensitive, man. More romantic. Bring her flowers. He steps between them, putting his arm around Ned's shoulder. GANG MEMBER #1 Try to understand how she feels. After all... He steps back, begins to SING "Try A Little Tenderness"... GANG MEMBER #1 She may be weary... Women do get weary... Wearing that same old shabby dress... But when she's weary... Try a little ten-der-ness... The other Gang Members join in on the SECOND VERSE with a sweet, mellow street-corner harmony as back-up... and some smooth group choreography. The COPS on duty listen raptly, getting maudlin and dewey- eyed. Tears roll down the cheeks of the BOOKING SERGEANT. The lights dim. A big, gruff COP makes eyes at a HOOKER being booked... and they start to slow dance. Arch watches all this with a sentimental smile, munching on his Nachos. When the song ends, Arch puts a comforting hand, covered with Nacho cheese, on Ned's shoulder. NED That can't be it. I'm the tenderest guy on the force. Nah... I think she's just afraid she won't be able to get pregnant. ARCH What's to be afraid! It's like making breakfast! You bring home the bacon... she's got the eggs. Ya scramble it up. Ba-da-boom ba-da-bing! She's got an omelette in the oven! (a beat, then) Why don't you knock off early... go home. It'd be nice for Lana to wake up in the morning and find you there for a change. NED Naw... I can't. I got all this paperwork. ARCH Don't worry about that. GANG MEMBER #1 We'll do our own paperwork, man! OTHER GANG MEMBERS Yeah! We'll fill out all that shit. Ned nods, smiles and gratefully "high-fives" the Gang Members as he heads for the door. INT. THE HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT The house is dark. A key turns in the lock and Ned enters. IN THE BEDROOM It's dark. Ned quietly undresses and slips into bed. INT. BEDROOM - CLOSE ON LANA - DAWN Sunlight creeps through the windows. Lana's eyes flutter open. She sees Ned beside her... sleeping. Suddenly, it hits her. She turns! Frank is on the other side, curled up, snoring. She's laying between both men! Lana elbows Frank. He stirs, groggy. She covers his mouth... indicating Ned. Frank's eyes bug out! He slips out of bed. The bed frame SQUEAKS LOUDLY! Frank freezes. Ned sleeps on steadily. Frank grabs his clothes. An unending torrent of coins fall out of his pants pockets, CLANGING on the floor! He freezes. Ned sleeps on. Frank retrieves the coins, clumsily stepping on the TV REMOTE CONTROL. A high-tech, sleekly designed TELEVISION MONITOR rises up... clicks ON. Frank tries frantically to push the set down, but it keeps rising into position. An IMAGE appears. It's WILLARD SCOTT, doing the weather on the TODAY SHOW. Frank grabs the remote control, frantically pounding on all the buttons. The VOLUME goes up... SOUND BLASTING! WILLARD SCOTT (on television) ...and Mrs. Prudy Ann Camomile of Delphi, Georgia is one-hundred and thirteen! What a gorgeous hunk of female! Smokes three cigars a day, drinks a straight shot of vodka at bedtime... and still has sex! The alarm clock goes off, CLANGING LOUDLY! Lana dives for it, slamming her hand down, killing the alarm. Going for a double-play, she flings the clock at the TV, nailing the on/off switch! Silence. Ned is still out cold. Frank moves toward the door... but with each step the floor CREAKS LOUDLY! He turns the knob. It CLUNKS! He pulls the door open v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y and it CRE-E-E-E-A-K-S like the piercing metal brakes of a train! He blows Lana a kiss, then pulls the door closed very gently. It sticks. He pulls harder. The knob pops off in his hand and he falls backward, tumbling down the stairs with a HUGE RACKET! Ned doesn't stir. Finally it's SILENT. Lana exhales. A SMALL BIRD lands on the sill of the open window, trilling a sweet little "CHIRP." Ned sits bolt upright, irritated. NED Damn birds! He grabs his shoe, heaving it toward the open window. EXT. NED'S HOUSE - MORNING Frank glances back up at the bedroom window with an arrogant smirk. WHAP! Ned's shoe hits him right in the face! EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY Ned comes down the courthouse steps. He pauses in the street, glimpsing the back of a WOMAN passing nearby... a STUNNING BLOND decked out in a clinging dress and fashionable hat... a long strip of toilet paper trailing from her high heel shoe. It must be LOLA. He turns to watch her. A HORN BLARES! BRAKES SCREECH! The SOUND OVERLAPS to... INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - DAY The door opens. Ned enters, looking terrible. Suit ripped, hair messed up, bruised and battered, briefcase crushed. LAURA My God, Ned... you look like you were hit by a bus. NED I was. (notices) Who's in my office? LAURA Max Shady's mother. NED Not again. INSIDE THE OFFICE MRS. SHADY, an older woman with a pleasant appearance, sits in an overstuffed leather chair. Ned and Laura enter. NED Hello, Mrs. Shady. Ned goes straight to his office closet, pulls out an identical blue suit... and starts stripping off his tattered clothes. NED Laura... check on my insurance. Make sure it's paid up. Laura reluctantly returns to the outer office. MRS. SHADY Good idea, Mr. Ravine. My son, Max, is getting out of prison tomorrow. NED (checks his watch) Gee, has it been seven years already? MRS. SHADY Seven long, miserable years in the slammer. And he's a bit pissed off. NED Well, being locked in a tiny room with no TV can make a guy feel pretty tense. MRS. SHADY I'm very concerned about him, Mr. Ravine. He said you were a two-bit shyster... and he's going to rip your head off and use it for a bowling ball! He goes to her, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder, looking her right in the eye, attempting to provide solace. NED I'm sure the experience wasn't all negative. He probably made a lot of friends... MRS. SHADY (ever hopeful) You think? NED ...learned a useful trade... MRS. SHADY Oh yes... live autopsies... NED ...caught up on all those books he wanted to read... She struggles to her feet feebly... MRS. SHADY Maybe so... but he said he's going to punch you in the testicles... She hauls off and PUNCHES him like a pile driver! WHAM! He doubles over, gasping. MRS. SHADY ...smash your face... She KNEES him in the face, raising him up... then nails him with a devastating RIGHT CROSS, spinning him around. He collapses over the desk. MRS. SHADY ...and decimate your wardrobe. She grabs the tail of his suit jacket and rips it up the back! MRS. SHADY And I wouldn't want that to happen. (spanks his butt) He's a naughty naughty boy. I just thought I should warn you. She turns and shuffles out, passing through the outer office. MRS. SHADY (to Laura) Bye for now. (pauses by desk) Oh... may I have a cookie? LAURA (at file cabinet) Sure. She grabs a handful of cookies and casually flings them at Laura... as she heads out the door. MRS. SHADY Thank yooooooooou. Laura rushes into Ned's office with the file folder. He staggers unsteadily by the desk. LAURA Oh my God, Ned. NED I hate when she comes to see me. LAURA Don't you realize, Ned?... you could be in real danger. NED (sees file) What's that? LAURA Extreme peril. You know, the risk of personal bodily harm. NED (points at file) No... I mean that. LAURA Your insurance file. But the policy's missing. Did you take it home? NED I don't think so. Laura looks puzzled... wondering where it might be. Then... LAURA Oh, wait a second... She goes to her desk in the outer office, digs through a drawer. Suddenly, she GASPS! She is holding... A FRAMED PHOTOGRAPH of her abusive HUSBAND... sneering. A circle has been drawn around his head with lipstick and a diagonal line slashed across his face. MATCH DISSOLVE TO: FLASHBACK HER HUSBAND'S FACE peers out through a sailboat porthole at stormy seas. A piece of masking tape stuck to the glass matches the diagonal line. INT. CABIN OF SAILBOAT - NIGHT Laura's Husband turns from the porthole. Laura cowers. The boat pitches and heaves, disturbing all the neatly hung towels, emblazoned with MINE - MINE - MINE across the bottom edge. Laura's Husband reacts with a crazed look in his eyes. Laura makes a break for it, running up on deck. EXT. SAILBOAT IN STORM - NIGHT Laura's Husband scrambles up onto the deck, looking fore and aft. Laura's vanished! He looks out to sea, calling... LAURA'S HUSBAND Lau-raaaaa! EXT. BEACH - NIGHT Laura paddles ashore, grasping a little kid's inflatable float ring. She struggles onto the sand and looks out to sea, triumphant... tossing the plastic float aside. MONTAGE - ULTRA CONTEMPO BEACH HOUSE - NIGHT -- Laura rushes in, tracking water all through the house. -- Laura cuts an inch of hair from her amazingly long, very wet tresses, then puts on a WIG... that is also LONG and WET! -- Laura retrieves a bra and a package of Twinkies from a secret hiding place... and stuffs them into a small brown paper bag. -- Laura hurriedly mops up her water tracks, then... -- She uses an industrial buffer to wax the hardwood floor. -- Laura removes her wedding ring... throws it in the toilet. She reaches for the handle to flush it... hesitates, seeing the "CONSERVE WATER - THIS MEANS YOU!" sticker on the toilet. She reaches into the bowl and retrieves the ring. -- On the deck, Laura throws the wedding ring toward the ocean. A SEAGULL swoops down, snatching it in mid-air and flies off. OMIT Sequence omitted from original script. -- In the bathroom... the Seagull flies in through the open window, lands on the back of the toilet and drops the ring... into the toilet bowl! EXT. THE BEACH - NEXT MORNING Laura's Husband reaches into the surf and picks up the deflated float ring. He looks at it with a cruel sneer. INT. BEACH HOUSE - BATHROOM Laura's Husband fishes Laura's wedding ring out of the toilet bowl... looking off with demonic rage! END FLASHBACK MONTAGE THE CAMERA PULLS BACK from Laura's SCREAMING mouth! Her eyes are filled with pure terror! A GIGANTIC wave of WATER splashes in her face! We see Ned... holding a tiny empty paper cup in his hand. Laura is completely drenched! NED Laura! Are you alright? That was a very long flashback you had. She snaps out of it, sputtering. LAURA Yes... I know. It's okay. I'm just a little... pre-menstrual. She goes to her desk, still upset. She picks up the message spike and turns to Ned. LAURA That Lola Cain... "person"... stopped by. She left this! She thrusts it toward Ned's face! There's a business card stuck on the end. He pulls it off. ANGLE - CLOSE ON BUSINESS CARD It reads: LE HOT CLUB! No Air Conditioning... And Proud Of It! Scribbled next to it is the message... "Meet me at 7:30". The edges of the card are scorched. INT. LE HOT CLUB - NIGHT It's dark, seductive, smoky, crowded... and HOT. Everybody is dripping with sweat and holding unlit cigarettes. Ned enters, sees Lola sitting on a stool at the bar, one leg crossed provocatively over the other. A beer can is stuck to the gum on the bottom of her shoe. It falls off with a CLUNK. He sits on the stool next to her. She looks at him, smiles. NED Oh yeah, before I forget... you asked me to take care of this. He reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a LIT CIGARETTE. It has a very long ash. LOLA Thanks... She takes it... inhales a drag, then lets the smoke flow out through her smile. It flows out for a loooooooooong time! More smoke than she could ever have inhaled. Then... NED You smoke too much. (looks around, then) It's hot tonight. LOLA Is it? I never know. My body heat runs about twenty degrees above normal. He notices the drink in her hand is BOILING. A saxophone begins to softly wail Lola's Theme. Ned looks over to see a QUARTET, featuring Dizzy on sax. The GUITARIST spontaneously bursts into FLAME! A FIREMAN, in full gear, jumps up from the bar and puts out the blaze with a fire extinguisher. None of the band members miss a beat. NED Maybe we should look for a cooler place. LOLA I doubt we'll find one. Even the wind chimes on my porch aren't moving much these days. They keep thudding softly, like dairy cows bumping butts in the night. I go out there expecting to find a cool breeze... but it's just a lot of hot air. Ned glances at the MALE CUSTOMERS... sitting at the bar across from them. They're staring coldly at Ned. NED What're they lookin' at? LOLA A lot of them have tried that seat. You're the first one's lasted this long. NED I feel honored. LOLA Don't. It's broken. A beat of realization, then the stool collapses with a CRASH! Ned pulls himself back up and drags another stool over. NED Did you bring the... papers? LOLA No. I thought you might come over... NED Sure. I'll drive you. LOLA I brought my own car. NED I'll follow you then. LOLA I know it sounds silly, but would you leave first... wait in your car? I come here a lot and I wouldn't want those men to think I'm "easy"... a slut who'll jump into bed with anyone at the drop of a hat. But if you leave first... NED ...they'll think I'm a putz for passing up a sure thing. Lola stares at Ned for a long moment... then SLAPS his face. He doesn't move, remaining staunchly macho. Then, suddenly, she SLUGS HIM so hard it knocks him over the top of the bar! LOLA (for all to hear) Now leave me alone! She pauses to give him a flicker of a COY SMILE... then picks up her drink and moves to a nearby table. Ned struggles to his feet and staggers to the door. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Ned is a mess! Blood trickles from the side of his mouth. Shirt soaked in sweat. He turns the radio ON. LOLA'S THEME starts playing. A small ceiling fan hangs from the interior roof of his car, turning slowly. The venetian blinds on his side windows are partially open, letting in slashes of dramatic light. ANGLE - HIS POV OF ROAD He's following Lola's car. It signals and turns left. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Still hot, Ned pulls the chain on the ceiling fan. It spins faster. MUCH faster! The car becomes like a wind tunnel! EXT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT The two cars enter a long drive, coming to a stop near a large two story house surrounded by lush greenery. Ned climbs out... his wind-blown hair flattened on one side and sticking out crazily. ANGLE - LOLA'S CAR DOOR - NED'S POV It opens. Lola's legs swing out. The CAMERA PANS DOWN her long legs to her feet. The car floormat is stuck to one shoe. She casually shakes it off... going to the front door. INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT They enter. It's DARK. Ned squints into the shadows. NED Well, here we are... in the dark. LOLA I have The Clapper. NED You what? Lola CLAPS her hands twice and all the LIGHTS COME ON. She smiles at him... drops her car keys on the hall table, then goes up the stairs. Ned drops his car keys on the table too and follows her. EXT. PORCH OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola clicks on a porch light. She and Ned step out. Dozens of small boxes hang around the perimeter of the porch. LOLA My wind chimes. Ned steps over, running his hands along the boxes. They "thud" against each other. NED You know, these would work a lot better if you took them out of the boxes. He slips several boxes off, releasing clusters of the metal chimes. They "tinkle" and "clang" melodically in the breeze. LOLA Well well... I guess you have been around. I'm impressed. She moves close, coming on to him. Ned feels uneasy. NED Why don't we take a look at those... papers? LOLA (remembering) Papers. Right. INT. DRESSING AREA OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola comes in, looks around, then down. She removes her shoe, pulling off two scraps of paper stuck to the gum on her heel. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Ned is looking through a book... "KAMIKAZE KAMA SUTRA - The Encyclopedia of Deadly Sexual Positions." Lola comes back in, hands Ned the two scraps of paper. NED That's it? These are the... papers? LOLA Yes. They're so confusing to me. Can you tell me what they are? He checks them out... shrugs. It's obvious. NED This one's a laundry receipt... and the other one's an expired lottery ticket. He hands them back to her, but she gently pushes them away. LOLA No. You keep them... as a memento of our time together. She slips them into his jacket pocket... then sensuously slides her hands around him, grabbing his buns, pulling him closer. LOLA I'm so grateful. How can I ever repay you for all you've done? NED Cash would be nice. LOLA Isn't there some other way? NED I suppose you could wash my car. LOLA No, I mean, isn't there something else you want? Something I could give you? She seductively starts to slide the jacket off his shoulders. NED Hey... slow down... there's a speed limit in this state. Sixty-five miles an hour. LOLA How fast was I going, officer? NED Oh, about a hundred and twenty-three. LOLA Suppose you pull me over and frisk me? NED Suppose I let you off with a warning? LOLA Suppose I find a cop with a bigger nightstick? NED Suppose I put you under arrest for being a bad girl with bad thoughts? LOLA Suppose you handcuff me to the bed? NED (rapid run-on) Suppose I do and then we lose the key and while I'm gone to get a duplicate made the house catches on fire and I can't get back to save you because the bridge is washed out and so you die a horrible death toasted like a Polish sausage on a flaming spit! (shakes his head) Nah... I better be going. He turns and leaves. She is stunned, confused, breathless. EXT. FRONT DOOR - NIGHT Ned opens the door, pauses, turns... as Lola joins him there. She looks into his eyes with desire. LOLA You're not so tough. Last chance. She moves her lips close to his, about to kiss him. Then... NED No thanks. I got a cold shower and a wife who trusts me waiting at home. LOLA What's the matter? Don't you want me? It's the way I look, isn't it? He steps out, pauses... turns to her. NED Don't forget to lock up. Ned pulls the door shut. The lock CLICKS. He pauses by his car, realizing | pray | How many times the word 'pray' appears in the text? | 0 |
woman can do... with a bobbie pin. Ned looks at the door. The frame and lock have been brutally chewed away, as if someone used a jackhammer on them! She pulls out a pack of cigarettes... BLACK LUNG LITES. LOLA (offering) Cigarette? NED No... thanks. They're bad for ya. He goes to the water cooler. She lights up, exhaling a soft cloud of smoke through a sleepy smile, her voice purring. LOLA Yes, I know. I like things that are bad for me. (touching lawbooks) So... I hear you go both ways. Ned hesitates... about to drink from the paper cup. NED Only once. It was a fraternity prank. I never saw him again. He gulps the water down, crumbles the cup in his hand. LOLA No, I mean... you're a cop and a lawyer. NED Oh. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of scum out there on the streets... but they all deserve a fair and costly trial. Ned turns, tries to casually "dunk" the crumpled cup in the waste basket. He misses. Laura enters with a huge pile of lawbooks in her arms. She sees Ned miss the basket and darts over as he bends down to pick it up. LAURA I'll get that. She picks it up and tosses it into the waste basket. NED Oh... Laura... this is, uh... LOLA Lola Cain. Laura sets the heavy load of books on the desk and steps toward Lola, extending her hand. Lola takes her time removing the long white glove... finally reaching out and shaking Laura's hand with a condescending air. LOLA (sarcastic) So lovely to meet you, Laura. Ned grabs the books and turns to the bookshelf, replacing each lawbook in its proper slot. The "handshake" between Lola and Laura turns tense, then aggressive, eventually becoming a "standing Indian wrestle" as they try to force each other off balance with sheer force. Ned is oblivious to the battle behind him, chattering away. NED Gotta keep these darn books in their right place or we'll never find the ones we need. Let's see, Q thru M... R thru B... W thru F... Laura suddenly whirls Lola around, putting her in an arm lock. But Lola elbows Laura in the stomach! Laura doubles over. Lola feigns sympathy, taking her hand... then spins, twisting Laura's arm, flipping her head over heels! Laura lands on the couch... upside down... gasping. Lola strikes a haughty pose, still holding her lit cigarette. She takes a drag. Laura checks her watch, then tumbles off the couch, landing on her feet. She straightens her skirt. LAURA It's getting late. I'll give you a ride home, Ned. Finished with the books, Ned turns... smiles. NED I have my car. LAURA I'll tow you. NED Not today. You don't need to wait. I'll see you tomorrow. Lola looks at Laura... icy, haughty, triumphant. Laura moves reluctantly toward the door, sees the lock and door frame chewed to pieces... whirls around, heads back toward Ned. LAURA I should call someone to fix this... NED Tomorrow... She instantly spins around, heads back toward the door... LAURA I'll call from home. ...and exits. Ned sits down on the corner of the desk. Lola sits in the chair across from him. LOLA I think I should warn you, Mr. Ravine... I'm not wearing any underwear. She crosses her legs suggestively... then slowly, enticingly, re-crosses them in the other direction. Unimpressed, Ned opens Laura's desk drawer... pulls a pair of sexy lace panties from a Kleenex-style dispenser box labeled "PANDORA'S POP-UP PANTIES"... which pulls another pair up into position. He tosses the panties to Lola. NED Try these on. She does... very, very slowly and seductively... as they talk. NED So... what can I do for you? LOLA I've run across some... papers... and I thought you might be able to tell me what they are. You see, I'm not very experienced when it comes to... papers. NED I'll help you Miss Cain, if I'm able. Do you have the... papers... here? LOLA No... they're at home. I thought you might stop by... NED I'm on duty tonight. LOLA Don't they ever give you a night off? NED Yeah. Tomorrow. LOLA (picks up cigarette) Why don't we meet tomorrow evening then? She finishes pulling the panties on with a sultry smile... "snapping" the elastic waistband. She goes to the door, pauses... turns to him. LOLA I'll let you know where. NED (steps over to her) What's wrong with my office? She looks around, exhaling another cloud of smoke. LOLA Nothing a good interior decorator couldn't fix. She opens the door. Behind her, in the hall, we see Dizzy, the saxophone player, wailing away on "Lola's Theme." CLOSE ON LOLA She takes a final, long drag on her cigarette, then reaches O.S. with it... toward Ned. LOLA Take care of this for me, will ya? With a sultry smile, she turns and leaves, closing the door. ANGLE ON NED The cigarette is stuck in his nose. INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT The front door swings open. Frank is standing there, dressed in a cheap, loose-fitting suit and a T-shirt. FRANK I came back for my shower cap. Lana, now wearing the diaphanous gown, pulls him inside. She kisses him hungrily, slipping a frilly plastic shower cap with a gaudy floral design on his head. LANA Yeah, well you came to the right place. She walks to the living room. Frank follows, still wearing the shower cap. Lana snaps her fingers. LANA Sit down. He sits in a chair, looking around. FRANK Where is he? LANA On duty all night. By the time he wraps up his reports, it'll be close to noon tomorrow. She sits on the couch, picks up a stack of papers. LANA I was just reading over... She looks up at Frank. Sees the shower cap. LANA Take off the hat, Frank. He slips the shower cap off as Lana continues. LANA I was just reading over my husband's insurance policies. You wouldn't know anything about insurance, would you, Frankie? FRANK Yeah, matter of fact, I sell policies part-time. I got half a brain... or didn't you notice? LANA I musta had my eye on something else. (hands him papers) How about a translation. He flips through, scanning the pages, shrugging. FRANK Standard accident policy... all the usual stuff... blah, blah, blah. The face value is... Wow. Not bad. Three million bucks! (flips page) And there's a triple indemnity rider. LANA Meaning? FRANK Aw, it's just something agents throw in so we can boost the premium. If the policy holder dies under very specific conditions, it pays off three times the face value of the policy. LANA Nine million dollars...? FRANK Yeah... but it's a sure bet for the company. Nobody ever collects. LANA Why not? FRANK Well, like here... it only pays off if he's shot with a pistol, falls from a moving northbound train and drowns in a fresh water stream. LANA All three? FRANK See what I mean, sweetheart? What are the odds of that? LANA It could happen. (dramatic beat) Suppose it did happen? FRANK Then you'd be rich. LANA Then we'd be rich. FRANK What're you sayin'...? She drops to her knees in front of him, her face close to his, speaking with a persuasive urgency. LANA We're gonna kill the son-of-a-bitch! And I know exactly how! He has a legal symposium in Santa Barbara this weekend... All we have to do is get him to take the train up instead of driving. FRANK How we gonna do that? Didn't you tell me he hates trains? LANA That's where you come in, baby. You're gonna rig his car so it doesn't work. That should be no problem for you. She gets up, walks to the adjoining room... snapping her fingers at her side. He follows. She steps to a table, pulls the cover off an elaborate scale- model of Dealey Plaza and a train station, complete with HO- Scale model trains chugging around the tracks. She uses a pointer to trace the route to the depot. LANA Then... we give him a lift to the train station... through Dealey Plaza, past the Book Suppository and around the grassy knoll... FRANK Isn't that out of our way? Ignoring this, she turns the LIGHTS OFF, walks over to a screen and picks up a remote control. She clicks the button. A SLIDE PROJECTOR comes on, throwing an IMAGE on Frank's back. We can read the words: THE PLAN. LANA Move, Frank. He moves over. "THE PLAN" appears on the screen. LANA And pay attention. As she talks, IMAGES appear on the screen, accompanying her rapid spiel. We see: a shot of the depot, a map of the rail route, a gun, a river, a Bingo game, baseball action and a huge dollar sign! LANA Ten minutes out of the station he'll be standing in the vestibule between cars... trying to avoid a panic attack. Fourteen minutes and ten seconds out, the train crosses the Santa Ynez River. So at thirteen minutes and fifty-four seconds, I shoot him, shove him out the door... he hits the river and drowns. Bingo! A triple play. We're rich! The lights click ON. FRANK You been thinking about this a lot, haven't you? LANA No. It just came to me. (closer, seductive) I had this image of a big, powerful, throbbing train... plunging into a long, dark, wet tunnel. They embrace, kissing passionately, dropping out of frame. The model train CHUGS faster, the train whistle SHRIEKING a long "Woooooooo-woooooooooo!"... racing into a model tunnel. INT. POLICE STATION - SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT Ned and Arch drag in a bunch of bad-ass, multi-ethnic GANG MEMBERS they've just busted. Ned angrily shoves one of the toughest gang members against the wall... losing his cool. NED Stand over there and shut up! GANG MEMBER #1 Hey, man, we got rights! Don't you be layin' no deleterious malfeasance on us. Ned goes ballistic and slams him into the wall again! NED Watch your mouth, punk! I don't want to hear language like that! Arch grabs Ned by the shoulder, pulling him back, calming him. ARCH Whoa, hold on, hoss! Take it easy. You seem a little tense tonight. What is it? Ned regains his composure. He's depressed. NED Aw... I don't know. I guess it's Lana. It's just... I know she wants to have a baby so bad... Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. NED ...but I never get to spend any time with her. And when I am home... it's like she's, you know... avoiding sex. Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. GANG MEMBER #1 You should try to be more sensitive, man. More romantic. Bring her flowers. He steps between them, putting his arm around Ned's shoulder. GANG MEMBER #1 Try to understand how she feels. After all... He steps back, begins to SING "Try A Little Tenderness"... GANG MEMBER #1 She may be weary... Women do get weary... Wearing that same old shabby dress... But when she's weary... Try a little ten-der-ness... The other Gang Members join in on the SECOND VERSE with a sweet, mellow street-corner harmony as back-up... and some smooth group choreography. The COPS on duty listen raptly, getting maudlin and dewey- eyed. Tears roll down the cheeks of the BOOKING SERGEANT. The lights dim. A big, gruff COP makes eyes at a HOOKER being booked... and they start to slow dance. Arch watches all this with a sentimental smile, munching on his Nachos. When the song ends, Arch puts a comforting hand, covered with Nacho cheese, on Ned's shoulder. NED That can't be it. I'm the tenderest guy on the force. Nah... I think she's just afraid she won't be able to get pregnant. ARCH What's to be afraid! It's like making breakfast! You bring home the bacon... she's got the eggs. Ya scramble it up. Ba-da-boom ba-da-bing! She's got an omelette in the oven! (a beat, then) Why don't you knock off early... go home. It'd be nice for Lana to wake up in the morning and find you there for a change. NED Naw... I can't. I got all this paperwork. ARCH Don't worry about that. GANG MEMBER #1 We'll do our own paperwork, man! OTHER GANG MEMBERS Yeah! We'll fill out all that shit. Ned nods, smiles and gratefully "high-fives" the Gang Members as he heads for the door. INT. THE HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT The house is dark. A key turns in the lock and Ned enters. IN THE BEDROOM It's dark. Ned quietly undresses and slips into bed. INT. BEDROOM - CLOSE ON LANA - DAWN Sunlight creeps through the windows. Lana's eyes flutter open. She sees Ned beside her... sleeping. Suddenly, it hits her. She turns! Frank is on the other side, curled up, snoring. She's laying between both men! Lana elbows Frank. He stirs, groggy. She covers his mouth... indicating Ned. Frank's eyes bug out! He slips out of bed. The bed frame SQUEAKS LOUDLY! Frank freezes. Ned sleeps on steadily. Frank grabs his clothes. An unending torrent of coins fall out of his pants pockets, CLANGING on the floor! He freezes. Ned sleeps on. Frank retrieves the coins, clumsily stepping on the TV REMOTE CONTROL. A high-tech, sleekly designed TELEVISION MONITOR rises up... clicks ON. Frank tries frantically to push the set down, but it keeps rising into position. An IMAGE appears. It's WILLARD SCOTT, doing the weather on the TODAY SHOW. Frank grabs the remote control, frantically pounding on all the buttons. The VOLUME goes up... SOUND BLASTING! WILLARD SCOTT (on television) ...and Mrs. Prudy Ann Camomile of Delphi, Georgia is one-hundred and thirteen! What a gorgeous hunk of female! Smokes three cigars a day, drinks a straight shot of vodka at bedtime... and still has sex! The alarm clock goes off, CLANGING LOUDLY! Lana dives for it, slamming her hand down, killing the alarm. Going for a double-play, she flings the clock at the TV, nailing the on/off switch! Silence. Ned is still out cold. Frank moves toward the door... but with each step the floor CREAKS LOUDLY! He turns the knob. It CLUNKS! He pulls the door open v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y and it CRE-E-E-E-A-K-S like the piercing metal brakes of a train! He blows Lana a kiss, then pulls the door closed very gently. It sticks. He pulls harder. The knob pops off in his hand and he falls backward, tumbling down the stairs with a HUGE RACKET! Ned doesn't stir. Finally it's SILENT. Lana exhales. A SMALL BIRD lands on the sill of the open window, trilling a sweet little "CHIRP." Ned sits bolt upright, irritated. NED Damn birds! He grabs his shoe, heaving it toward the open window. EXT. NED'S HOUSE - MORNING Frank glances back up at the bedroom window with an arrogant smirk. WHAP! Ned's shoe hits him right in the face! EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY Ned comes down the courthouse steps. He pauses in the street, glimpsing the back of a WOMAN passing nearby... a STUNNING BLOND decked out in a clinging dress and fashionable hat... a long strip of toilet paper trailing from her high heel shoe. It must be LOLA. He turns to watch her. A HORN BLARES! BRAKES SCREECH! The SOUND OVERLAPS to... INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - DAY The door opens. Ned enters, looking terrible. Suit ripped, hair messed up, bruised and battered, briefcase crushed. LAURA My God, Ned... you look like you were hit by a bus. NED I was. (notices) Who's in my office? LAURA Max Shady's mother. NED Not again. INSIDE THE OFFICE MRS. SHADY, an older woman with a pleasant appearance, sits in an overstuffed leather chair. Ned and Laura enter. NED Hello, Mrs. Shady. Ned goes straight to his office closet, pulls out an identical blue suit... and starts stripping off his tattered clothes. NED Laura... check on my insurance. Make sure it's paid up. Laura reluctantly returns to the outer office. MRS. SHADY Good idea, Mr. Ravine. My son, Max, is getting out of prison tomorrow. NED (checks his watch) Gee, has it been seven years already? MRS. SHADY Seven long, miserable years in the slammer. And he's a bit pissed off. NED Well, being locked in a tiny room with no TV can make a guy feel pretty tense. MRS. SHADY I'm very concerned about him, Mr. Ravine. He said you were a two-bit shyster... and he's going to rip your head off and use it for a bowling ball! He goes to her, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder, looking her right in the eye, attempting to provide solace. NED I'm sure the experience wasn't all negative. He probably made a lot of friends... MRS. SHADY (ever hopeful) You think? NED ...learned a useful trade... MRS. SHADY Oh yes... live autopsies... NED ...caught up on all those books he wanted to read... She struggles to her feet feebly... MRS. SHADY Maybe so... but he said he's going to punch you in the testicles... She hauls off and PUNCHES him like a pile driver! WHAM! He doubles over, gasping. MRS. SHADY ...smash your face... She KNEES him in the face, raising him up... then nails him with a devastating RIGHT CROSS, spinning him around. He collapses over the desk. MRS. SHADY ...and decimate your wardrobe. She grabs the tail of his suit jacket and rips it up the back! MRS. SHADY And I wouldn't want that to happen. (spanks his butt) He's a naughty naughty boy. I just thought I should warn you. She turns and shuffles out, passing through the outer office. MRS. SHADY (to Laura) Bye for now. (pauses by desk) Oh... may I have a cookie? LAURA (at file cabinet) Sure. She grabs a handful of cookies and casually flings them at Laura... as she heads out the door. MRS. SHADY Thank yooooooooou. Laura rushes into Ned's office with the file folder. He staggers unsteadily by the desk. LAURA Oh my God, Ned. NED I hate when she comes to see me. LAURA Don't you realize, Ned?... you could be in real danger. NED (sees file) What's that? LAURA Extreme peril. You know, the risk of personal bodily harm. NED (points at file) No... I mean that. LAURA Your insurance file. But the policy's missing. Did you take it home? NED I don't think so. Laura looks puzzled... wondering where it might be. Then... LAURA Oh, wait a second... She goes to her desk in the outer office, digs through a drawer. Suddenly, she GASPS! She is holding... A FRAMED PHOTOGRAPH of her abusive HUSBAND... sneering. A circle has been drawn around his head with lipstick and a diagonal line slashed across his face. MATCH DISSOLVE TO: FLASHBACK HER HUSBAND'S FACE peers out through a sailboat porthole at stormy seas. A piece of masking tape stuck to the glass matches the diagonal line. INT. CABIN OF SAILBOAT - NIGHT Laura's Husband turns from the porthole. Laura cowers. The boat pitches and heaves, disturbing all the neatly hung towels, emblazoned with MINE - MINE - MINE across the bottom edge. Laura's Husband reacts with a crazed look in his eyes. Laura makes a break for it, running up on deck. EXT. SAILBOAT IN STORM - NIGHT Laura's Husband scrambles up onto the deck, looking fore and aft. Laura's vanished! He looks out to sea, calling... LAURA'S HUSBAND Lau-raaaaa! EXT. BEACH - NIGHT Laura paddles ashore, grasping a little kid's inflatable float ring. She struggles onto the sand and looks out to sea, triumphant... tossing the plastic float aside. MONTAGE - ULTRA CONTEMPO BEACH HOUSE - NIGHT -- Laura rushes in, tracking water all through the house. -- Laura cuts an inch of hair from her amazingly long, very wet tresses, then puts on a WIG... that is also LONG and WET! -- Laura retrieves a bra and a package of Twinkies from a secret hiding place... and stuffs them into a small brown paper bag. -- Laura hurriedly mops up her water tracks, then... -- She uses an industrial buffer to wax the hardwood floor. -- Laura removes her wedding ring... throws it in the toilet. She reaches for the handle to flush it... hesitates, seeing the "CONSERVE WATER - THIS MEANS YOU!" sticker on the toilet. She reaches into the bowl and retrieves the ring. -- On the deck, Laura throws the wedding ring toward the ocean. A SEAGULL swoops down, snatching it in mid-air and flies off. OMIT Sequence omitted from original script. -- In the bathroom... the Seagull flies in through the open window, lands on the back of the toilet and drops the ring... into the toilet bowl! EXT. THE BEACH - NEXT MORNING Laura's Husband reaches into the surf and picks up the deflated float ring. He looks at it with a cruel sneer. INT. BEACH HOUSE - BATHROOM Laura's Husband fishes Laura's wedding ring out of the toilet bowl... looking off with demonic rage! END FLASHBACK MONTAGE THE CAMERA PULLS BACK from Laura's SCREAMING mouth! Her eyes are filled with pure terror! A GIGANTIC wave of WATER splashes in her face! We see Ned... holding a tiny empty paper cup in his hand. Laura is completely drenched! NED Laura! Are you alright? That was a very long flashback you had. She snaps out of it, sputtering. LAURA Yes... I know. It's okay. I'm just a little... pre-menstrual. She goes to her desk, still upset. She picks up the message spike and turns to Ned. LAURA That Lola Cain... "person"... stopped by. She left this! She thrusts it toward Ned's face! There's a business card stuck on the end. He pulls it off. ANGLE - CLOSE ON BUSINESS CARD It reads: LE HOT CLUB! No Air Conditioning... And Proud Of It! Scribbled next to it is the message... "Meet me at 7:30". The edges of the card are scorched. INT. LE HOT CLUB - NIGHT It's dark, seductive, smoky, crowded... and HOT. Everybody is dripping with sweat and holding unlit cigarettes. Ned enters, sees Lola sitting on a stool at the bar, one leg crossed provocatively over the other. A beer can is stuck to the gum on the bottom of her shoe. It falls off with a CLUNK. He sits on the stool next to her. She looks at him, smiles. NED Oh yeah, before I forget... you asked me to take care of this. He reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a LIT CIGARETTE. It has a very long ash. LOLA Thanks... She takes it... inhales a drag, then lets the smoke flow out through her smile. It flows out for a loooooooooong time! More smoke than she could ever have inhaled. Then... NED You smoke too much. (looks around, then) It's hot tonight. LOLA Is it? I never know. My body heat runs about twenty degrees above normal. He notices the drink in her hand is BOILING. A saxophone begins to softly wail Lola's Theme. Ned looks over to see a QUARTET, featuring Dizzy on sax. The GUITARIST spontaneously bursts into FLAME! A FIREMAN, in full gear, jumps up from the bar and puts out the blaze with a fire extinguisher. None of the band members miss a beat. NED Maybe we should look for a cooler place. LOLA I doubt we'll find one. Even the wind chimes on my porch aren't moving much these days. They keep thudding softly, like dairy cows bumping butts in the night. I go out there expecting to find a cool breeze... but it's just a lot of hot air. Ned glances at the MALE CUSTOMERS... sitting at the bar across from them. They're staring coldly at Ned. NED What're they lookin' at? LOLA A lot of them have tried that seat. You're the first one's lasted this long. NED I feel honored. LOLA Don't. It's broken. A beat of realization, then the stool collapses with a CRASH! Ned pulls himself back up and drags another stool over. NED Did you bring the... papers? LOLA No. I thought you might come over... NED Sure. I'll drive you. LOLA I brought my own car. NED I'll follow you then. LOLA I know it sounds silly, but would you leave first... wait in your car? I come here a lot and I wouldn't want those men to think I'm "easy"... a slut who'll jump into bed with anyone at the drop of a hat. But if you leave first... NED ...they'll think I'm a putz for passing up a sure thing. Lola stares at Ned for a long moment... then SLAPS his face. He doesn't move, remaining staunchly macho. Then, suddenly, she SLUGS HIM so hard it knocks him over the top of the bar! LOLA (for all to hear) Now leave me alone! She pauses to give him a flicker of a COY SMILE... then picks up her drink and moves to a nearby table. Ned struggles to his feet and staggers to the door. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Ned is a mess! Blood trickles from the side of his mouth. Shirt soaked in sweat. He turns the radio ON. LOLA'S THEME starts playing. A small ceiling fan hangs from the interior roof of his car, turning slowly. The venetian blinds on his side windows are partially open, letting in slashes of dramatic light. ANGLE - HIS POV OF ROAD He's following Lola's car. It signals and turns left. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Still hot, Ned pulls the chain on the ceiling fan. It spins faster. MUCH faster! The car becomes like a wind tunnel! EXT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT The two cars enter a long drive, coming to a stop near a large two story house surrounded by lush greenery. Ned climbs out... his wind-blown hair flattened on one side and sticking out crazily. ANGLE - LOLA'S CAR DOOR - NED'S POV It opens. Lola's legs swing out. The CAMERA PANS DOWN her long legs to her feet. The car floormat is stuck to one shoe. She casually shakes it off... going to the front door. INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT They enter. It's DARK. Ned squints into the shadows. NED Well, here we are... in the dark. LOLA I have The Clapper. NED You what? Lola CLAPS her hands twice and all the LIGHTS COME ON. She smiles at him... drops her car keys on the hall table, then goes up the stairs. Ned drops his car keys on the table too and follows her. EXT. PORCH OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola clicks on a porch light. She and Ned step out. Dozens of small boxes hang around the perimeter of the porch. LOLA My wind chimes. Ned steps over, running his hands along the boxes. They "thud" against each other. NED You know, these would work a lot better if you took them out of the boxes. He slips several boxes off, releasing clusters of the metal chimes. They "tinkle" and "clang" melodically in the breeze. LOLA Well well... I guess you have been around. I'm impressed. She moves close, coming on to him. Ned feels uneasy. NED Why don't we take a look at those... papers? LOLA (remembering) Papers. Right. INT. DRESSING AREA OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola comes in, looks around, then down. She removes her shoe, pulling off two scraps of paper stuck to the gum on her heel. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Ned is looking through a book... "KAMIKAZE KAMA SUTRA - The Encyclopedia of Deadly Sexual Positions." Lola comes back in, hands Ned the two scraps of paper. NED That's it? These are the... papers? LOLA Yes. They're so confusing to me. Can you tell me what they are? He checks them out... shrugs. It's obvious. NED This one's a laundry receipt... and the other one's an expired lottery ticket. He hands them back to her, but she gently pushes them away. LOLA No. You keep them... as a memento of our time together. She slips them into his jacket pocket... then sensuously slides her hands around him, grabbing his buns, pulling him closer. LOLA I'm so grateful. How can I ever repay you for all you've done? NED Cash would be nice. LOLA Isn't there some other way? NED I suppose you could wash my car. LOLA No, I mean, isn't there something else you want? Something I could give you? She seductively starts to slide the jacket off his shoulders. NED Hey... slow down... there's a speed limit in this state. Sixty-five miles an hour. LOLA How fast was I going, officer? NED Oh, about a hundred and twenty-three. LOLA Suppose you pull me over and frisk me? NED Suppose I let you off with a warning? LOLA Suppose I find a cop with a bigger nightstick? NED Suppose I put you under arrest for being a bad girl with bad thoughts? LOLA Suppose you handcuff me to the bed? NED (rapid run-on) Suppose I do and then we lose the key and while I'm gone to get a duplicate made the house catches on fire and I can't get back to save you because the bridge is washed out and so you die a horrible death toasted like a Polish sausage on a flaming spit! (shakes his head) Nah... I better be going. He turns and leaves. She is stunned, confused, breathless. EXT. FRONT DOOR - NIGHT Ned opens the door, pauses, turns... as Lola joins him there. She looks into his eyes with desire. LOLA You're not so tough. Last chance. She moves her lips close to his, about to kiss him. Then... NED No thanks. I got a cold shower and a wife who trusts me waiting at home. LOLA What's the matter? Don't you want me? It's the way I look, isn't it? He steps out, pauses... turns to her. NED Don't forget to lock up. Ned pulls the door shut. The lock CLICKS. He pauses by his car, realizing | repulsion | How many times the word 'repulsion' appears in the text? | 0 |
woman can do... with a bobbie pin. Ned looks at the door. The frame and lock have been brutally chewed away, as if someone used a jackhammer on them! She pulls out a pack of cigarettes... BLACK LUNG LITES. LOLA (offering) Cigarette? NED No... thanks. They're bad for ya. He goes to the water cooler. She lights up, exhaling a soft cloud of smoke through a sleepy smile, her voice purring. LOLA Yes, I know. I like things that are bad for me. (touching lawbooks) So... I hear you go both ways. Ned hesitates... about to drink from the paper cup. NED Only once. It was a fraternity prank. I never saw him again. He gulps the water down, crumbles the cup in his hand. LOLA No, I mean... you're a cop and a lawyer. NED Oh. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of scum out there on the streets... but they all deserve a fair and costly trial. Ned turns, tries to casually "dunk" the crumpled cup in the waste basket. He misses. Laura enters with a huge pile of lawbooks in her arms. She sees Ned miss the basket and darts over as he bends down to pick it up. LAURA I'll get that. She picks it up and tosses it into the waste basket. NED Oh... Laura... this is, uh... LOLA Lola Cain. Laura sets the heavy load of books on the desk and steps toward Lola, extending her hand. Lola takes her time removing the long white glove... finally reaching out and shaking Laura's hand with a condescending air. LOLA (sarcastic) So lovely to meet you, Laura. Ned grabs the books and turns to the bookshelf, replacing each lawbook in its proper slot. The "handshake" between Lola and Laura turns tense, then aggressive, eventually becoming a "standing Indian wrestle" as they try to force each other off balance with sheer force. Ned is oblivious to the battle behind him, chattering away. NED Gotta keep these darn books in their right place or we'll never find the ones we need. Let's see, Q thru M... R thru B... W thru F... Laura suddenly whirls Lola around, putting her in an arm lock. But Lola elbows Laura in the stomach! Laura doubles over. Lola feigns sympathy, taking her hand... then spins, twisting Laura's arm, flipping her head over heels! Laura lands on the couch... upside down... gasping. Lola strikes a haughty pose, still holding her lit cigarette. She takes a drag. Laura checks her watch, then tumbles off the couch, landing on her feet. She straightens her skirt. LAURA It's getting late. I'll give you a ride home, Ned. Finished with the books, Ned turns... smiles. NED I have my car. LAURA I'll tow you. NED Not today. You don't need to wait. I'll see you tomorrow. Lola looks at Laura... icy, haughty, triumphant. Laura moves reluctantly toward the door, sees the lock and door frame chewed to pieces... whirls around, heads back toward Ned. LAURA I should call someone to fix this... NED Tomorrow... She instantly spins around, heads back toward the door... LAURA I'll call from home. ...and exits. Ned sits down on the corner of the desk. Lola sits in the chair across from him. LOLA I think I should warn you, Mr. Ravine... I'm not wearing any underwear. She crosses her legs suggestively... then slowly, enticingly, re-crosses them in the other direction. Unimpressed, Ned opens Laura's desk drawer... pulls a pair of sexy lace panties from a Kleenex-style dispenser box labeled "PANDORA'S POP-UP PANTIES"... which pulls another pair up into position. He tosses the panties to Lola. NED Try these on. She does... very, very slowly and seductively... as they talk. NED So... what can I do for you? LOLA I've run across some... papers... and I thought you might be able to tell me what they are. You see, I'm not very experienced when it comes to... papers. NED I'll help you Miss Cain, if I'm able. Do you have the... papers... here? LOLA No... they're at home. I thought you might stop by... NED I'm on duty tonight. LOLA Don't they ever give you a night off? NED Yeah. Tomorrow. LOLA (picks up cigarette) Why don't we meet tomorrow evening then? She finishes pulling the panties on with a sultry smile... "snapping" the elastic waistband. She goes to the door, pauses... turns to him. LOLA I'll let you know where. NED (steps over to her) What's wrong with my office? She looks around, exhaling another cloud of smoke. LOLA Nothing a good interior decorator couldn't fix. She opens the door. Behind her, in the hall, we see Dizzy, the saxophone player, wailing away on "Lola's Theme." CLOSE ON LOLA She takes a final, long drag on her cigarette, then reaches O.S. with it... toward Ned. LOLA Take care of this for me, will ya? With a sultry smile, she turns and leaves, closing the door. ANGLE ON NED The cigarette is stuck in his nose. INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT The front door swings open. Frank is standing there, dressed in a cheap, loose-fitting suit and a T-shirt. FRANK I came back for my shower cap. Lana, now wearing the diaphanous gown, pulls him inside. She kisses him hungrily, slipping a frilly plastic shower cap with a gaudy floral design on his head. LANA Yeah, well you came to the right place. She walks to the living room. Frank follows, still wearing the shower cap. Lana snaps her fingers. LANA Sit down. He sits in a chair, looking around. FRANK Where is he? LANA On duty all night. By the time he wraps up his reports, it'll be close to noon tomorrow. She sits on the couch, picks up a stack of papers. LANA I was just reading over... She looks up at Frank. Sees the shower cap. LANA Take off the hat, Frank. He slips the shower cap off as Lana continues. LANA I was just reading over my husband's insurance policies. You wouldn't know anything about insurance, would you, Frankie? FRANK Yeah, matter of fact, I sell policies part-time. I got half a brain... or didn't you notice? LANA I musta had my eye on something else. (hands him papers) How about a translation. He flips through, scanning the pages, shrugging. FRANK Standard accident policy... all the usual stuff... blah, blah, blah. The face value is... Wow. Not bad. Three million bucks! (flips page) And there's a triple indemnity rider. LANA Meaning? FRANK Aw, it's just something agents throw in so we can boost the premium. If the policy holder dies under very specific conditions, it pays off three times the face value of the policy. LANA Nine million dollars...? FRANK Yeah... but it's a sure bet for the company. Nobody ever collects. LANA Why not? FRANK Well, like here... it only pays off if he's shot with a pistol, falls from a moving northbound train and drowns in a fresh water stream. LANA All three? FRANK See what I mean, sweetheart? What are the odds of that? LANA It could happen. (dramatic beat) Suppose it did happen? FRANK Then you'd be rich. LANA Then we'd be rich. FRANK What're you sayin'...? She drops to her knees in front of him, her face close to his, speaking with a persuasive urgency. LANA We're gonna kill the son-of-a-bitch! And I know exactly how! He has a legal symposium in Santa Barbara this weekend... All we have to do is get him to take the train up instead of driving. FRANK How we gonna do that? Didn't you tell me he hates trains? LANA That's where you come in, baby. You're gonna rig his car so it doesn't work. That should be no problem for you. She gets up, walks to the adjoining room... snapping her fingers at her side. He follows. She steps to a table, pulls the cover off an elaborate scale- model of Dealey Plaza and a train station, complete with HO- Scale model trains chugging around the tracks. She uses a pointer to trace the route to the depot. LANA Then... we give him a lift to the train station... through Dealey Plaza, past the Book Suppository and around the grassy knoll... FRANK Isn't that out of our way? Ignoring this, she turns the LIGHTS OFF, walks over to a screen and picks up a remote control. She clicks the button. A SLIDE PROJECTOR comes on, throwing an IMAGE on Frank's back. We can read the words: THE PLAN. LANA Move, Frank. He moves over. "THE PLAN" appears on the screen. LANA And pay attention. As she talks, IMAGES appear on the screen, accompanying her rapid spiel. We see: a shot of the depot, a map of the rail route, a gun, a river, a Bingo game, baseball action and a huge dollar sign! LANA Ten minutes out of the station he'll be standing in the vestibule between cars... trying to avoid a panic attack. Fourteen minutes and ten seconds out, the train crosses the Santa Ynez River. So at thirteen minutes and fifty-four seconds, I shoot him, shove him out the door... he hits the river and drowns. Bingo! A triple play. We're rich! The lights click ON. FRANK You been thinking about this a lot, haven't you? LANA No. It just came to me. (closer, seductive) I had this image of a big, powerful, throbbing train... plunging into a long, dark, wet tunnel. They embrace, kissing passionately, dropping out of frame. The model train CHUGS faster, the train whistle SHRIEKING a long "Woooooooo-woooooooooo!"... racing into a model tunnel. INT. POLICE STATION - SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT Ned and Arch drag in a bunch of bad-ass, multi-ethnic GANG MEMBERS they've just busted. Ned angrily shoves one of the toughest gang members against the wall... losing his cool. NED Stand over there and shut up! GANG MEMBER #1 Hey, man, we got rights! Don't you be layin' no deleterious malfeasance on us. Ned goes ballistic and slams him into the wall again! NED Watch your mouth, punk! I don't want to hear language like that! Arch grabs Ned by the shoulder, pulling him back, calming him. ARCH Whoa, hold on, hoss! Take it easy. You seem a little tense tonight. What is it? Ned regains his composure. He's depressed. NED Aw... I don't know. I guess it's Lana. It's just... I know she wants to have a baby so bad... Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. NED ...but I never get to spend any time with her. And when I am home... it's like she's, you know... avoiding sex. Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. GANG MEMBER #1 You should try to be more sensitive, man. More romantic. Bring her flowers. He steps between them, putting his arm around Ned's shoulder. GANG MEMBER #1 Try to understand how she feels. After all... He steps back, begins to SING "Try A Little Tenderness"... GANG MEMBER #1 She may be weary... Women do get weary... Wearing that same old shabby dress... But when she's weary... Try a little ten-der-ness... The other Gang Members join in on the SECOND VERSE with a sweet, mellow street-corner harmony as back-up... and some smooth group choreography. The COPS on duty listen raptly, getting maudlin and dewey- eyed. Tears roll down the cheeks of the BOOKING SERGEANT. The lights dim. A big, gruff COP makes eyes at a HOOKER being booked... and they start to slow dance. Arch watches all this with a sentimental smile, munching on his Nachos. When the song ends, Arch puts a comforting hand, covered with Nacho cheese, on Ned's shoulder. NED That can't be it. I'm the tenderest guy on the force. Nah... I think she's just afraid she won't be able to get pregnant. ARCH What's to be afraid! It's like making breakfast! You bring home the bacon... she's got the eggs. Ya scramble it up. Ba-da-boom ba-da-bing! She's got an omelette in the oven! (a beat, then) Why don't you knock off early... go home. It'd be nice for Lana to wake up in the morning and find you there for a change. NED Naw... I can't. I got all this paperwork. ARCH Don't worry about that. GANG MEMBER #1 We'll do our own paperwork, man! OTHER GANG MEMBERS Yeah! We'll fill out all that shit. Ned nods, smiles and gratefully "high-fives" the Gang Members as he heads for the door. INT. THE HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT The house is dark. A key turns in the lock and Ned enters. IN THE BEDROOM It's dark. Ned quietly undresses and slips into bed. INT. BEDROOM - CLOSE ON LANA - DAWN Sunlight creeps through the windows. Lana's eyes flutter open. She sees Ned beside her... sleeping. Suddenly, it hits her. She turns! Frank is on the other side, curled up, snoring. She's laying between both men! Lana elbows Frank. He stirs, groggy. She covers his mouth... indicating Ned. Frank's eyes bug out! He slips out of bed. The bed frame SQUEAKS LOUDLY! Frank freezes. Ned sleeps on steadily. Frank grabs his clothes. An unending torrent of coins fall out of his pants pockets, CLANGING on the floor! He freezes. Ned sleeps on. Frank retrieves the coins, clumsily stepping on the TV REMOTE CONTROL. A high-tech, sleekly designed TELEVISION MONITOR rises up... clicks ON. Frank tries frantically to push the set down, but it keeps rising into position. An IMAGE appears. It's WILLARD SCOTT, doing the weather on the TODAY SHOW. Frank grabs the remote control, frantically pounding on all the buttons. The VOLUME goes up... SOUND BLASTING! WILLARD SCOTT (on television) ...and Mrs. Prudy Ann Camomile of Delphi, Georgia is one-hundred and thirteen! What a gorgeous hunk of female! Smokes three cigars a day, drinks a straight shot of vodka at bedtime... and still has sex! The alarm clock goes off, CLANGING LOUDLY! Lana dives for it, slamming her hand down, killing the alarm. Going for a double-play, she flings the clock at the TV, nailing the on/off switch! Silence. Ned is still out cold. Frank moves toward the door... but with each step the floor CREAKS LOUDLY! He turns the knob. It CLUNKS! He pulls the door open v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y and it CRE-E-E-E-A-K-S like the piercing metal brakes of a train! He blows Lana a kiss, then pulls the door closed very gently. It sticks. He pulls harder. The knob pops off in his hand and he falls backward, tumbling down the stairs with a HUGE RACKET! Ned doesn't stir. Finally it's SILENT. Lana exhales. A SMALL BIRD lands on the sill of the open window, trilling a sweet little "CHIRP." Ned sits bolt upright, irritated. NED Damn birds! He grabs his shoe, heaving it toward the open window. EXT. NED'S HOUSE - MORNING Frank glances back up at the bedroom window with an arrogant smirk. WHAP! Ned's shoe hits him right in the face! EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY Ned comes down the courthouse steps. He pauses in the street, glimpsing the back of a WOMAN passing nearby... a STUNNING BLOND decked out in a clinging dress and fashionable hat... a long strip of toilet paper trailing from her high heel shoe. It must be LOLA. He turns to watch her. A HORN BLARES! BRAKES SCREECH! The SOUND OVERLAPS to... INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - DAY The door opens. Ned enters, looking terrible. Suit ripped, hair messed up, bruised and battered, briefcase crushed. LAURA My God, Ned... you look like you were hit by a bus. NED I was. (notices) Who's in my office? LAURA Max Shady's mother. NED Not again. INSIDE THE OFFICE MRS. SHADY, an older woman with a pleasant appearance, sits in an overstuffed leather chair. Ned and Laura enter. NED Hello, Mrs. Shady. Ned goes straight to his office closet, pulls out an identical blue suit... and starts stripping off his tattered clothes. NED Laura... check on my insurance. Make sure it's paid up. Laura reluctantly returns to the outer office. MRS. SHADY Good idea, Mr. Ravine. My son, Max, is getting out of prison tomorrow. NED (checks his watch) Gee, has it been seven years already? MRS. SHADY Seven long, miserable years in the slammer. And he's a bit pissed off. NED Well, being locked in a tiny room with no TV can make a guy feel pretty tense. MRS. SHADY I'm very concerned about him, Mr. Ravine. He said you were a two-bit shyster... and he's going to rip your head off and use it for a bowling ball! He goes to her, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder, looking her right in the eye, attempting to provide solace. NED I'm sure the experience wasn't all negative. He probably made a lot of friends... MRS. SHADY (ever hopeful) You think? NED ...learned a useful trade... MRS. SHADY Oh yes... live autopsies... NED ...caught up on all those books he wanted to read... She struggles to her feet feebly... MRS. SHADY Maybe so... but he said he's going to punch you in the testicles... She hauls off and PUNCHES him like a pile driver! WHAM! He doubles over, gasping. MRS. SHADY ...smash your face... She KNEES him in the face, raising him up... then nails him with a devastating RIGHT CROSS, spinning him around. He collapses over the desk. MRS. SHADY ...and decimate your wardrobe. She grabs the tail of his suit jacket and rips it up the back! MRS. SHADY And I wouldn't want that to happen. (spanks his butt) He's a naughty naughty boy. I just thought I should warn you. She turns and shuffles out, passing through the outer office. MRS. SHADY (to Laura) Bye for now. (pauses by desk) Oh... may I have a cookie? LAURA (at file cabinet) Sure. She grabs a handful of cookies and casually flings them at Laura... as she heads out the door. MRS. SHADY Thank yooooooooou. Laura rushes into Ned's office with the file folder. He staggers unsteadily by the desk. LAURA Oh my God, Ned. NED I hate when she comes to see me. LAURA Don't you realize, Ned?... you could be in real danger. NED (sees file) What's that? LAURA Extreme peril. You know, the risk of personal bodily harm. NED (points at file) No... I mean that. LAURA Your insurance file. But the policy's missing. Did you take it home? NED I don't think so. Laura looks puzzled... wondering where it might be. Then... LAURA Oh, wait a second... She goes to her desk in the outer office, digs through a drawer. Suddenly, she GASPS! She is holding... A FRAMED PHOTOGRAPH of her abusive HUSBAND... sneering. A circle has been drawn around his head with lipstick and a diagonal line slashed across his face. MATCH DISSOLVE TO: FLASHBACK HER HUSBAND'S FACE peers out through a sailboat porthole at stormy seas. A piece of masking tape stuck to the glass matches the diagonal line. INT. CABIN OF SAILBOAT - NIGHT Laura's Husband turns from the porthole. Laura cowers. The boat pitches and heaves, disturbing all the neatly hung towels, emblazoned with MINE - MINE - MINE across the bottom edge. Laura's Husband reacts with a crazed look in his eyes. Laura makes a break for it, running up on deck. EXT. SAILBOAT IN STORM - NIGHT Laura's Husband scrambles up onto the deck, looking fore and aft. Laura's vanished! He looks out to sea, calling... LAURA'S HUSBAND Lau-raaaaa! EXT. BEACH - NIGHT Laura paddles ashore, grasping a little kid's inflatable float ring. She struggles onto the sand and looks out to sea, triumphant... tossing the plastic float aside. MONTAGE - ULTRA CONTEMPO BEACH HOUSE - NIGHT -- Laura rushes in, tracking water all through the house. -- Laura cuts an inch of hair from her amazingly long, very wet tresses, then puts on a WIG... that is also LONG and WET! -- Laura retrieves a bra and a package of Twinkies from a secret hiding place... and stuffs them into a small brown paper bag. -- Laura hurriedly mops up her water tracks, then... -- She uses an industrial buffer to wax the hardwood floor. -- Laura removes her wedding ring... throws it in the toilet. She reaches for the handle to flush it... hesitates, seeing the "CONSERVE WATER - THIS MEANS YOU!" sticker on the toilet. She reaches into the bowl and retrieves the ring. -- On the deck, Laura throws the wedding ring toward the ocean. A SEAGULL swoops down, snatching it in mid-air and flies off. OMIT Sequence omitted from original script. -- In the bathroom... the Seagull flies in through the open window, lands on the back of the toilet and drops the ring... into the toilet bowl! EXT. THE BEACH - NEXT MORNING Laura's Husband reaches into the surf and picks up the deflated float ring. He looks at it with a cruel sneer. INT. BEACH HOUSE - BATHROOM Laura's Husband fishes Laura's wedding ring out of the toilet bowl... looking off with demonic rage! END FLASHBACK MONTAGE THE CAMERA PULLS BACK from Laura's SCREAMING mouth! Her eyes are filled with pure terror! A GIGANTIC wave of WATER splashes in her face! We see Ned... holding a tiny empty paper cup in his hand. Laura is completely drenched! NED Laura! Are you alright? That was a very long flashback you had. She snaps out of it, sputtering. LAURA Yes... I know. It's okay. I'm just a little... pre-menstrual. She goes to her desk, still upset. She picks up the message spike and turns to Ned. LAURA That Lola Cain... "person"... stopped by. She left this! She thrusts it toward Ned's face! There's a business card stuck on the end. He pulls it off. ANGLE - CLOSE ON BUSINESS CARD It reads: LE HOT CLUB! No Air Conditioning... And Proud Of It! Scribbled next to it is the message... "Meet me at 7:30". The edges of the card are scorched. INT. LE HOT CLUB - NIGHT It's dark, seductive, smoky, crowded... and HOT. Everybody is dripping with sweat and holding unlit cigarettes. Ned enters, sees Lola sitting on a stool at the bar, one leg crossed provocatively over the other. A beer can is stuck to the gum on the bottom of her shoe. It falls off with a CLUNK. He sits on the stool next to her. She looks at him, smiles. NED Oh yeah, before I forget... you asked me to take care of this. He reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a LIT CIGARETTE. It has a very long ash. LOLA Thanks... She takes it... inhales a drag, then lets the smoke flow out through her smile. It flows out for a loooooooooong time! More smoke than she could ever have inhaled. Then... NED You smoke too much. (looks around, then) It's hot tonight. LOLA Is it? I never know. My body heat runs about twenty degrees above normal. He notices the drink in her hand is BOILING. A saxophone begins to softly wail Lola's Theme. Ned looks over to see a QUARTET, featuring Dizzy on sax. The GUITARIST spontaneously bursts into FLAME! A FIREMAN, in full gear, jumps up from the bar and puts out the blaze with a fire extinguisher. None of the band members miss a beat. NED Maybe we should look for a cooler place. LOLA I doubt we'll find one. Even the wind chimes on my porch aren't moving much these days. They keep thudding softly, like dairy cows bumping butts in the night. I go out there expecting to find a cool breeze... but it's just a lot of hot air. Ned glances at the MALE CUSTOMERS... sitting at the bar across from them. They're staring coldly at Ned. NED What're they lookin' at? LOLA A lot of them have tried that seat. You're the first one's lasted this long. NED I feel honored. LOLA Don't. It's broken. A beat of realization, then the stool collapses with a CRASH! Ned pulls himself back up and drags another stool over. NED Did you bring the... papers? LOLA No. I thought you might come over... NED Sure. I'll drive you. LOLA I brought my own car. NED I'll follow you then. LOLA I know it sounds silly, but would you leave first... wait in your car? I come here a lot and I wouldn't want those men to think I'm "easy"... a slut who'll jump into bed with anyone at the drop of a hat. But if you leave first... NED ...they'll think I'm a putz for passing up a sure thing. Lola stares at Ned for a long moment... then SLAPS his face. He doesn't move, remaining staunchly macho. Then, suddenly, she SLUGS HIM so hard it knocks him over the top of the bar! LOLA (for all to hear) Now leave me alone! She pauses to give him a flicker of a COY SMILE... then picks up her drink and moves to a nearby table. Ned struggles to his feet and staggers to the door. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Ned is a mess! Blood trickles from the side of his mouth. Shirt soaked in sweat. He turns the radio ON. LOLA'S THEME starts playing. A small ceiling fan hangs from the interior roof of his car, turning slowly. The venetian blinds on his side windows are partially open, letting in slashes of dramatic light. ANGLE - HIS POV OF ROAD He's following Lola's car. It signals and turns left. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Still hot, Ned pulls the chain on the ceiling fan. It spins faster. MUCH faster! The car becomes like a wind tunnel! EXT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT The two cars enter a long drive, coming to a stop near a large two story house surrounded by lush greenery. Ned climbs out... his wind-blown hair flattened on one side and sticking out crazily. ANGLE - LOLA'S CAR DOOR - NED'S POV It opens. Lola's legs swing out. The CAMERA PANS DOWN her long legs to her feet. The car floormat is stuck to one shoe. She casually shakes it off... going to the front door. INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT They enter. It's DARK. Ned squints into the shadows. NED Well, here we are... in the dark. LOLA I have The Clapper. NED You what? Lola CLAPS her hands twice and all the LIGHTS COME ON. She smiles at him... drops her car keys on the hall table, then goes up the stairs. Ned drops his car keys on the table too and follows her. EXT. PORCH OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola clicks on a porch light. She and Ned step out. Dozens of small boxes hang around the perimeter of the porch. LOLA My wind chimes. Ned steps over, running his hands along the boxes. They "thud" against each other. NED You know, these would work a lot better if you took them out of the boxes. He slips several boxes off, releasing clusters of the metal chimes. They "tinkle" and "clang" melodically in the breeze. LOLA Well well... I guess you have been around. I'm impressed. She moves close, coming on to him. Ned feels uneasy. NED Why don't we take a look at those... papers? LOLA (remembering) Papers. Right. INT. DRESSING AREA OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola comes in, looks around, then down. She removes her shoe, pulling off two scraps of paper stuck to the gum on her heel. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Ned is looking through a book... "KAMIKAZE KAMA SUTRA - The Encyclopedia of Deadly Sexual Positions." Lola comes back in, hands Ned the two scraps of paper. NED That's it? These are the... papers? LOLA Yes. They're so confusing to me. Can you tell me what they are? He checks them out... shrugs. It's obvious. NED This one's a laundry receipt... and the other one's an expired lottery ticket. He hands them back to her, but she gently pushes them away. LOLA No. You keep them... as a memento of our time together. She slips them into his jacket pocket... then sensuously slides her hands around him, grabbing his buns, pulling him closer. LOLA I'm so grateful. How can I ever repay you for all you've done? NED Cash would be nice. LOLA Isn't there some other way? NED I suppose you could wash my car. LOLA No, I mean, isn't there something else you want? Something I could give you? She seductively starts to slide the jacket off his shoulders. NED Hey... slow down... there's a speed limit in this state. Sixty-five miles an hour. LOLA How fast was I going, officer? NED Oh, about a hundred and twenty-three. LOLA Suppose you pull me over and frisk me? NED Suppose I let you off with a warning? LOLA Suppose I find a cop with a bigger nightstick? NED Suppose I put you under arrest for being a bad girl with bad thoughts? LOLA Suppose you handcuff me to the bed? NED (rapid run-on) Suppose I do and then we lose the key and while I'm gone to get a duplicate made the house catches on fire and I can't get back to save you because the bridge is washed out and so you die a horrible death toasted like a Polish sausage on a flaming spit! (shakes his head) Nah... I better be going. He turns and leaves. She is stunned, confused, breathless. EXT. FRONT DOOR - NIGHT Ned opens the door, pauses, turns... as Lola joins him there. She looks into his eyes with desire. LOLA You're not so tough. Last chance. She moves her lips close to his, about to kiss him. Then... NED No thanks. I got a cold shower and a wife who trusts me waiting at home. LOLA What's the matter? Don't you want me? It's the way I look, isn't it? He steps out, pauses... turns to her. NED Don't forget to lock up. Ned pulls the door shut. The lock CLICKS. He pauses by his car, realizing | which | How many times the word 'which' appears in the text? | 1 |
woman can do... with a bobbie pin. Ned looks at the door. The frame and lock have been brutally chewed away, as if someone used a jackhammer on them! She pulls out a pack of cigarettes... BLACK LUNG LITES. LOLA (offering) Cigarette? NED No... thanks. They're bad for ya. He goes to the water cooler. She lights up, exhaling a soft cloud of smoke through a sleepy smile, her voice purring. LOLA Yes, I know. I like things that are bad for me. (touching lawbooks) So... I hear you go both ways. Ned hesitates... about to drink from the paper cup. NED Only once. It was a fraternity prank. I never saw him again. He gulps the water down, crumbles the cup in his hand. LOLA No, I mean... you're a cop and a lawyer. NED Oh. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of scum out there on the streets... but they all deserve a fair and costly trial. Ned turns, tries to casually "dunk" the crumpled cup in the waste basket. He misses. Laura enters with a huge pile of lawbooks in her arms. She sees Ned miss the basket and darts over as he bends down to pick it up. LAURA I'll get that. She picks it up and tosses it into the waste basket. NED Oh... Laura... this is, uh... LOLA Lola Cain. Laura sets the heavy load of books on the desk and steps toward Lola, extending her hand. Lola takes her time removing the long white glove... finally reaching out and shaking Laura's hand with a condescending air. LOLA (sarcastic) So lovely to meet you, Laura. Ned grabs the books and turns to the bookshelf, replacing each lawbook in its proper slot. The "handshake" between Lola and Laura turns tense, then aggressive, eventually becoming a "standing Indian wrestle" as they try to force each other off balance with sheer force. Ned is oblivious to the battle behind him, chattering away. NED Gotta keep these darn books in their right place or we'll never find the ones we need. Let's see, Q thru M... R thru B... W thru F... Laura suddenly whirls Lola around, putting her in an arm lock. But Lola elbows Laura in the stomach! Laura doubles over. Lola feigns sympathy, taking her hand... then spins, twisting Laura's arm, flipping her head over heels! Laura lands on the couch... upside down... gasping. Lola strikes a haughty pose, still holding her lit cigarette. She takes a drag. Laura checks her watch, then tumbles off the couch, landing on her feet. She straightens her skirt. LAURA It's getting late. I'll give you a ride home, Ned. Finished with the books, Ned turns... smiles. NED I have my car. LAURA I'll tow you. NED Not today. You don't need to wait. I'll see you tomorrow. Lola looks at Laura... icy, haughty, triumphant. Laura moves reluctantly toward the door, sees the lock and door frame chewed to pieces... whirls around, heads back toward Ned. LAURA I should call someone to fix this... NED Tomorrow... She instantly spins around, heads back toward the door... LAURA I'll call from home. ...and exits. Ned sits down on the corner of the desk. Lola sits in the chair across from him. LOLA I think I should warn you, Mr. Ravine... I'm not wearing any underwear. She crosses her legs suggestively... then slowly, enticingly, re-crosses them in the other direction. Unimpressed, Ned opens Laura's desk drawer... pulls a pair of sexy lace panties from a Kleenex-style dispenser box labeled "PANDORA'S POP-UP PANTIES"... which pulls another pair up into position. He tosses the panties to Lola. NED Try these on. She does... very, very slowly and seductively... as they talk. NED So... what can I do for you? LOLA I've run across some... papers... and I thought you might be able to tell me what they are. You see, I'm not very experienced when it comes to... papers. NED I'll help you Miss Cain, if I'm able. Do you have the... papers... here? LOLA No... they're at home. I thought you might stop by... NED I'm on duty tonight. LOLA Don't they ever give you a night off? NED Yeah. Tomorrow. LOLA (picks up cigarette) Why don't we meet tomorrow evening then? She finishes pulling the panties on with a sultry smile... "snapping" the elastic waistband. She goes to the door, pauses... turns to him. LOLA I'll let you know where. NED (steps over to her) What's wrong with my office? She looks around, exhaling another cloud of smoke. LOLA Nothing a good interior decorator couldn't fix. She opens the door. Behind her, in the hall, we see Dizzy, the saxophone player, wailing away on "Lola's Theme." CLOSE ON LOLA She takes a final, long drag on her cigarette, then reaches O.S. with it... toward Ned. LOLA Take care of this for me, will ya? With a sultry smile, she turns and leaves, closing the door. ANGLE ON NED The cigarette is stuck in his nose. INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT The front door swings open. Frank is standing there, dressed in a cheap, loose-fitting suit and a T-shirt. FRANK I came back for my shower cap. Lana, now wearing the diaphanous gown, pulls him inside. She kisses him hungrily, slipping a frilly plastic shower cap with a gaudy floral design on his head. LANA Yeah, well you came to the right place. She walks to the living room. Frank follows, still wearing the shower cap. Lana snaps her fingers. LANA Sit down. He sits in a chair, looking around. FRANK Where is he? LANA On duty all night. By the time he wraps up his reports, it'll be close to noon tomorrow. She sits on the couch, picks up a stack of papers. LANA I was just reading over... She looks up at Frank. Sees the shower cap. LANA Take off the hat, Frank. He slips the shower cap off as Lana continues. LANA I was just reading over my husband's insurance policies. You wouldn't know anything about insurance, would you, Frankie? FRANK Yeah, matter of fact, I sell policies part-time. I got half a brain... or didn't you notice? LANA I musta had my eye on something else. (hands him papers) How about a translation. He flips through, scanning the pages, shrugging. FRANK Standard accident policy... all the usual stuff... blah, blah, blah. The face value is... Wow. Not bad. Three million bucks! (flips page) And there's a triple indemnity rider. LANA Meaning? FRANK Aw, it's just something agents throw in so we can boost the premium. If the policy holder dies under very specific conditions, it pays off three times the face value of the policy. LANA Nine million dollars...? FRANK Yeah... but it's a sure bet for the company. Nobody ever collects. LANA Why not? FRANK Well, like here... it only pays off if he's shot with a pistol, falls from a moving northbound train and drowns in a fresh water stream. LANA All three? FRANK See what I mean, sweetheart? What are the odds of that? LANA It could happen. (dramatic beat) Suppose it did happen? FRANK Then you'd be rich. LANA Then we'd be rich. FRANK What're you sayin'...? She drops to her knees in front of him, her face close to his, speaking with a persuasive urgency. LANA We're gonna kill the son-of-a-bitch! And I know exactly how! He has a legal symposium in Santa Barbara this weekend... All we have to do is get him to take the train up instead of driving. FRANK How we gonna do that? Didn't you tell me he hates trains? LANA That's where you come in, baby. You're gonna rig his car so it doesn't work. That should be no problem for you. She gets up, walks to the adjoining room... snapping her fingers at her side. He follows. She steps to a table, pulls the cover off an elaborate scale- model of Dealey Plaza and a train station, complete with HO- Scale model trains chugging around the tracks. She uses a pointer to trace the route to the depot. LANA Then... we give him a lift to the train station... through Dealey Plaza, past the Book Suppository and around the grassy knoll... FRANK Isn't that out of our way? Ignoring this, she turns the LIGHTS OFF, walks over to a screen and picks up a remote control. She clicks the button. A SLIDE PROJECTOR comes on, throwing an IMAGE on Frank's back. We can read the words: THE PLAN. LANA Move, Frank. He moves over. "THE PLAN" appears on the screen. LANA And pay attention. As she talks, IMAGES appear on the screen, accompanying her rapid spiel. We see: a shot of the depot, a map of the rail route, a gun, a river, a Bingo game, baseball action and a huge dollar sign! LANA Ten minutes out of the station he'll be standing in the vestibule between cars... trying to avoid a panic attack. Fourteen minutes and ten seconds out, the train crosses the Santa Ynez River. So at thirteen minutes and fifty-four seconds, I shoot him, shove him out the door... he hits the river and drowns. Bingo! A triple play. We're rich! The lights click ON. FRANK You been thinking about this a lot, haven't you? LANA No. It just came to me. (closer, seductive) I had this image of a big, powerful, throbbing train... plunging into a long, dark, wet tunnel. They embrace, kissing passionately, dropping out of frame. The model train CHUGS faster, the train whistle SHRIEKING a long "Woooooooo-woooooooooo!"... racing into a model tunnel. INT. POLICE STATION - SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT Ned and Arch drag in a bunch of bad-ass, multi-ethnic GANG MEMBERS they've just busted. Ned angrily shoves one of the toughest gang members against the wall... losing his cool. NED Stand over there and shut up! GANG MEMBER #1 Hey, man, we got rights! Don't you be layin' no deleterious malfeasance on us. Ned goes ballistic and slams him into the wall again! NED Watch your mouth, punk! I don't want to hear language like that! Arch grabs Ned by the shoulder, pulling him back, calming him. ARCH Whoa, hold on, hoss! Take it easy. You seem a little tense tonight. What is it? Ned regains his composure. He's depressed. NED Aw... I don't know. I guess it's Lana. It's just... I know she wants to have a baby so bad... Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. NED ...but I never get to spend any time with her. And when I am home... it's like she's, you know... avoiding sex. Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. GANG MEMBER #1 You should try to be more sensitive, man. More romantic. Bring her flowers. He steps between them, putting his arm around Ned's shoulder. GANG MEMBER #1 Try to understand how she feels. After all... He steps back, begins to SING "Try A Little Tenderness"... GANG MEMBER #1 She may be weary... Women do get weary... Wearing that same old shabby dress... But when she's weary... Try a little ten-der-ness... The other Gang Members join in on the SECOND VERSE with a sweet, mellow street-corner harmony as back-up... and some smooth group choreography. The COPS on duty listen raptly, getting maudlin and dewey- eyed. Tears roll down the cheeks of the BOOKING SERGEANT. The lights dim. A big, gruff COP makes eyes at a HOOKER being booked... and they start to slow dance. Arch watches all this with a sentimental smile, munching on his Nachos. When the song ends, Arch puts a comforting hand, covered with Nacho cheese, on Ned's shoulder. NED That can't be it. I'm the tenderest guy on the force. Nah... I think she's just afraid she won't be able to get pregnant. ARCH What's to be afraid! It's like making breakfast! You bring home the bacon... she's got the eggs. Ya scramble it up. Ba-da-boom ba-da-bing! She's got an omelette in the oven! (a beat, then) Why don't you knock off early... go home. It'd be nice for Lana to wake up in the morning and find you there for a change. NED Naw... I can't. I got all this paperwork. ARCH Don't worry about that. GANG MEMBER #1 We'll do our own paperwork, man! OTHER GANG MEMBERS Yeah! We'll fill out all that shit. Ned nods, smiles and gratefully "high-fives" the Gang Members as he heads for the door. INT. THE HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT The house is dark. A key turns in the lock and Ned enters. IN THE BEDROOM It's dark. Ned quietly undresses and slips into bed. INT. BEDROOM - CLOSE ON LANA - DAWN Sunlight creeps through the windows. Lana's eyes flutter open. She sees Ned beside her... sleeping. Suddenly, it hits her. She turns! Frank is on the other side, curled up, snoring. She's laying between both men! Lana elbows Frank. He stirs, groggy. She covers his mouth... indicating Ned. Frank's eyes bug out! He slips out of bed. The bed frame SQUEAKS LOUDLY! Frank freezes. Ned sleeps on steadily. Frank grabs his clothes. An unending torrent of coins fall out of his pants pockets, CLANGING on the floor! He freezes. Ned sleeps on. Frank retrieves the coins, clumsily stepping on the TV REMOTE CONTROL. A high-tech, sleekly designed TELEVISION MONITOR rises up... clicks ON. Frank tries frantically to push the set down, but it keeps rising into position. An IMAGE appears. It's WILLARD SCOTT, doing the weather on the TODAY SHOW. Frank grabs the remote control, frantically pounding on all the buttons. The VOLUME goes up... SOUND BLASTING! WILLARD SCOTT (on television) ...and Mrs. Prudy Ann Camomile of Delphi, Georgia is one-hundred and thirteen! What a gorgeous hunk of female! Smokes three cigars a day, drinks a straight shot of vodka at bedtime... and still has sex! The alarm clock goes off, CLANGING LOUDLY! Lana dives for it, slamming her hand down, killing the alarm. Going for a double-play, she flings the clock at the TV, nailing the on/off switch! Silence. Ned is still out cold. Frank moves toward the door... but with each step the floor CREAKS LOUDLY! He turns the knob. It CLUNKS! He pulls the door open v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y and it CRE-E-E-E-A-K-S like the piercing metal brakes of a train! He blows Lana a kiss, then pulls the door closed very gently. It sticks. He pulls harder. The knob pops off in his hand and he falls backward, tumbling down the stairs with a HUGE RACKET! Ned doesn't stir. Finally it's SILENT. Lana exhales. A SMALL BIRD lands on the sill of the open window, trilling a sweet little "CHIRP." Ned sits bolt upright, irritated. NED Damn birds! He grabs his shoe, heaving it toward the open window. EXT. NED'S HOUSE - MORNING Frank glances back up at the bedroom window with an arrogant smirk. WHAP! Ned's shoe hits him right in the face! EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY Ned comes down the courthouse steps. He pauses in the street, glimpsing the back of a WOMAN passing nearby... a STUNNING BLOND decked out in a clinging dress and fashionable hat... a long strip of toilet paper trailing from her high heel shoe. It must be LOLA. He turns to watch her. A HORN BLARES! BRAKES SCREECH! The SOUND OVERLAPS to... INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - DAY The door opens. Ned enters, looking terrible. Suit ripped, hair messed up, bruised and battered, briefcase crushed. LAURA My God, Ned... you look like you were hit by a bus. NED I was. (notices) Who's in my office? LAURA Max Shady's mother. NED Not again. INSIDE THE OFFICE MRS. SHADY, an older woman with a pleasant appearance, sits in an overstuffed leather chair. Ned and Laura enter. NED Hello, Mrs. Shady. Ned goes straight to his office closet, pulls out an identical blue suit... and starts stripping off his tattered clothes. NED Laura... check on my insurance. Make sure it's paid up. Laura reluctantly returns to the outer office. MRS. SHADY Good idea, Mr. Ravine. My son, Max, is getting out of prison tomorrow. NED (checks his watch) Gee, has it been seven years already? MRS. SHADY Seven long, miserable years in the slammer. And he's a bit pissed off. NED Well, being locked in a tiny room with no TV can make a guy feel pretty tense. MRS. SHADY I'm very concerned about him, Mr. Ravine. He said you were a two-bit shyster... and he's going to rip your head off and use it for a bowling ball! He goes to her, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder, looking her right in the eye, attempting to provide solace. NED I'm sure the experience wasn't all negative. He probably made a lot of friends... MRS. SHADY (ever hopeful) You think? NED ...learned a useful trade... MRS. SHADY Oh yes... live autopsies... NED ...caught up on all those books he wanted to read... She struggles to her feet feebly... MRS. SHADY Maybe so... but he said he's going to punch you in the testicles... She hauls off and PUNCHES him like a pile driver! WHAM! He doubles over, gasping. MRS. SHADY ...smash your face... She KNEES him in the face, raising him up... then nails him with a devastating RIGHT CROSS, spinning him around. He collapses over the desk. MRS. SHADY ...and decimate your wardrobe. She grabs the tail of his suit jacket and rips it up the back! MRS. SHADY And I wouldn't want that to happen. (spanks his butt) He's a naughty naughty boy. I just thought I should warn you. She turns and shuffles out, passing through the outer office. MRS. SHADY (to Laura) Bye for now. (pauses by desk) Oh... may I have a cookie? LAURA (at file cabinet) Sure. She grabs a handful of cookies and casually flings them at Laura... as she heads out the door. MRS. SHADY Thank yooooooooou. Laura rushes into Ned's office with the file folder. He staggers unsteadily by the desk. LAURA Oh my God, Ned. NED I hate when she comes to see me. LAURA Don't you realize, Ned?... you could be in real danger. NED (sees file) What's that? LAURA Extreme peril. You know, the risk of personal bodily harm. NED (points at file) No... I mean that. LAURA Your insurance file. But the policy's missing. Did you take it home? NED I don't think so. Laura looks puzzled... wondering where it might be. Then... LAURA Oh, wait a second... She goes to her desk in the outer office, digs through a drawer. Suddenly, she GASPS! She is holding... A FRAMED PHOTOGRAPH of her abusive HUSBAND... sneering. A circle has been drawn around his head with lipstick and a diagonal line slashed across his face. MATCH DISSOLVE TO: FLASHBACK HER HUSBAND'S FACE peers out through a sailboat porthole at stormy seas. A piece of masking tape stuck to the glass matches the diagonal line. INT. CABIN OF SAILBOAT - NIGHT Laura's Husband turns from the porthole. Laura cowers. The boat pitches and heaves, disturbing all the neatly hung towels, emblazoned with MINE - MINE - MINE across the bottom edge. Laura's Husband reacts with a crazed look in his eyes. Laura makes a break for it, running up on deck. EXT. SAILBOAT IN STORM - NIGHT Laura's Husband scrambles up onto the deck, looking fore and aft. Laura's vanished! He looks out to sea, calling... LAURA'S HUSBAND Lau-raaaaa! EXT. BEACH - NIGHT Laura paddles ashore, grasping a little kid's inflatable float ring. She struggles onto the sand and looks out to sea, triumphant... tossing the plastic float aside. MONTAGE - ULTRA CONTEMPO BEACH HOUSE - NIGHT -- Laura rushes in, tracking water all through the house. -- Laura cuts an inch of hair from her amazingly long, very wet tresses, then puts on a WIG... that is also LONG and WET! -- Laura retrieves a bra and a package of Twinkies from a secret hiding place... and stuffs them into a small brown paper bag. -- Laura hurriedly mops up her water tracks, then... -- She uses an industrial buffer to wax the hardwood floor. -- Laura removes her wedding ring... throws it in the toilet. She reaches for the handle to flush it... hesitates, seeing the "CONSERVE WATER - THIS MEANS YOU!" sticker on the toilet. She reaches into the bowl and retrieves the ring. -- On the deck, Laura throws the wedding ring toward the ocean. A SEAGULL swoops down, snatching it in mid-air and flies off. OMIT Sequence omitted from original script. -- In the bathroom... the Seagull flies in through the open window, lands on the back of the toilet and drops the ring... into the toilet bowl! EXT. THE BEACH - NEXT MORNING Laura's Husband reaches into the surf and picks up the deflated float ring. He looks at it with a cruel sneer. INT. BEACH HOUSE - BATHROOM Laura's Husband fishes Laura's wedding ring out of the toilet bowl... looking off with demonic rage! END FLASHBACK MONTAGE THE CAMERA PULLS BACK from Laura's SCREAMING mouth! Her eyes are filled with pure terror! A GIGANTIC wave of WATER splashes in her face! We see Ned... holding a tiny empty paper cup in his hand. Laura is completely drenched! NED Laura! Are you alright? That was a very long flashback you had. She snaps out of it, sputtering. LAURA Yes... I know. It's okay. I'm just a little... pre-menstrual. She goes to her desk, still upset. She picks up the message spike and turns to Ned. LAURA That Lola Cain... "person"... stopped by. She left this! She thrusts it toward Ned's face! There's a business card stuck on the end. He pulls it off. ANGLE - CLOSE ON BUSINESS CARD It reads: LE HOT CLUB! No Air Conditioning... And Proud Of It! Scribbled next to it is the message... "Meet me at 7:30". The edges of the card are scorched. INT. LE HOT CLUB - NIGHT It's dark, seductive, smoky, crowded... and HOT. Everybody is dripping with sweat and holding unlit cigarettes. Ned enters, sees Lola sitting on a stool at the bar, one leg crossed provocatively over the other. A beer can is stuck to the gum on the bottom of her shoe. It falls off with a CLUNK. He sits on the stool next to her. She looks at him, smiles. NED Oh yeah, before I forget... you asked me to take care of this. He reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a LIT CIGARETTE. It has a very long ash. LOLA Thanks... She takes it... inhales a drag, then lets the smoke flow out through her smile. It flows out for a loooooooooong time! More smoke than she could ever have inhaled. Then... NED You smoke too much. (looks around, then) It's hot tonight. LOLA Is it? I never know. My body heat runs about twenty degrees above normal. He notices the drink in her hand is BOILING. A saxophone begins to softly wail Lola's Theme. Ned looks over to see a QUARTET, featuring Dizzy on sax. The GUITARIST spontaneously bursts into FLAME! A FIREMAN, in full gear, jumps up from the bar and puts out the blaze with a fire extinguisher. None of the band members miss a beat. NED Maybe we should look for a cooler place. LOLA I doubt we'll find one. Even the wind chimes on my porch aren't moving much these days. They keep thudding softly, like dairy cows bumping butts in the night. I go out there expecting to find a cool breeze... but it's just a lot of hot air. Ned glances at the MALE CUSTOMERS... sitting at the bar across from them. They're staring coldly at Ned. NED What're they lookin' at? LOLA A lot of them have tried that seat. You're the first one's lasted this long. NED I feel honored. LOLA Don't. It's broken. A beat of realization, then the stool collapses with a CRASH! Ned pulls himself back up and drags another stool over. NED Did you bring the... papers? LOLA No. I thought you might come over... NED Sure. I'll drive you. LOLA I brought my own car. NED I'll follow you then. LOLA I know it sounds silly, but would you leave first... wait in your car? I come here a lot and I wouldn't want those men to think I'm "easy"... a slut who'll jump into bed with anyone at the drop of a hat. But if you leave first... NED ...they'll think I'm a putz for passing up a sure thing. Lola stares at Ned for a long moment... then SLAPS his face. He doesn't move, remaining staunchly macho. Then, suddenly, she SLUGS HIM so hard it knocks him over the top of the bar! LOLA (for all to hear) Now leave me alone! She pauses to give him a flicker of a COY SMILE... then picks up her drink and moves to a nearby table. Ned struggles to his feet and staggers to the door. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Ned is a mess! Blood trickles from the side of his mouth. Shirt soaked in sweat. He turns the radio ON. LOLA'S THEME starts playing. A small ceiling fan hangs from the interior roof of his car, turning slowly. The venetian blinds on his side windows are partially open, letting in slashes of dramatic light. ANGLE - HIS POV OF ROAD He's following Lola's car. It signals and turns left. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Still hot, Ned pulls the chain on the ceiling fan. It spins faster. MUCH faster! The car becomes like a wind tunnel! EXT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT The two cars enter a long drive, coming to a stop near a large two story house surrounded by lush greenery. Ned climbs out... his wind-blown hair flattened on one side and sticking out crazily. ANGLE - LOLA'S CAR DOOR - NED'S POV It opens. Lola's legs swing out. The CAMERA PANS DOWN her long legs to her feet. The car floormat is stuck to one shoe. She casually shakes it off... going to the front door. INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT They enter. It's DARK. Ned squints into the shadows. NED Well, here we are... in the dark. LOLA I have The Clapper. NED You what? Lola CLAPS her hands twice and all the LIGHTS COME ON. She smiles at him... drops her car keys on the hall table, then goes up the stairs. Ned drops his car keys on the table too and follows her. EXT. PORCH OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola clicks on a porch light. She and Ned step out. Dozens of small boxes hang around the perimeter of the porch. LOLA My wind chimes. Ned steps over, running his hands along the boxes. They "thud" against each other. NED You know, these would work a lot better if you took them out of the boxes. He slips several boxes off, releasing clusters of the metal chimes. They "tinkle" and "clang" melodically in the breeze. LOLA Well well... I guess you have been around. I'm impressed. She moves close, coming on to him. Ned feels uneasy. NED Why don't we take a look at those... papers? LOLA (remembering) Papers. Right. INT. DRESSING AREA OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola comes in, looks around, then down. She removes her shoe, pulling off two scraps of paper stuck to the gum on her heel. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Ned is looking through a book... "KAMIKAZE KAMA SUTRA - The Encyclopedia of Deadly Sexual Positions." Lola comes back in, hands Ned the two scraps of paper. NED That's it? These are the... papers? LOLA Yes. They're so confusing to me. Can you tell me what they are? He checks them out... shrugs. It's obvious. NED This one's a laundry receipt... and the other one's an expired lottery ticket. He hands them back to her, but she gently pushes them away. LOLA No. You keep them... as a memento of our time together. She slips them into his jacket pocket... then sensuously slides her hands around him, grabbing his buns, pulling him closer. LOLA I'm so grateful. How can I ever repay you for all you've done? NED Cash would be nice. LOLA Isn't there some other way? NED I suppose you could wash my car. LOLA No, I mean, isn't there something else you want? Something I could give you? She seductively starts to slide the jacket off his shoulders. NED Hey... slow down... there's a speed limit in this state. Sixty-five miles an hour. LOLA How fast was I going, officer? NED Oh, about a hundred and twenty-three. LOLA Suppose you pull me over and frisk me? NED Suppose I let you off with a warning? LOLA Suppose I find a cop with a bigger nightstick? NED Suppose I put you under arrest for being a bad girl with bad thoughts? LOLA Suppose you handcuff me to the bed? NED (rapid run-on) Suppose I do and then we lose the key and while I'm gone to get a duplicate made the house catches on fire and I can't get back to save you because the bridge is washed out and so you die a horrible death toasted like a Polish sausage on a flaming spit! (shakes his head) Nah... I better be going. He turns and leaves. She is stunned, confused, breathless. EXT. FRONT DOOR - NIGHT Ned opens the door, pauses, turns... as Lola joins him there. She looks into his eyes with desire. LOLA You're not so tough. Last chance. She moves her lips close to his, about to kiss him. Then... NED No thanks. I got a cold shower and a wife who trusts me waiting at home. LOLA What's the matter? Don't you want me? It's the way I look, isn't it? He steps out, pauses... turns to her. NED Don't forget to lock up. Ned pulls the door shut. The lock CLICKS. He pauses by his car, realizing | sleeping | How many times the word 'sleeping' appears in the text? | 1 |
woman can do... with a bobbie pin. Ned looks at the door. The frame and lock have been brutally chewed away, as if someone used a jackhammer on them! She pulls out a pack of cigarettes... BLACK LUNG LITES. LOLA (offering) Cigarette? NED No... thanks. They're bad for ya. He goes to the water cooler. She lights up, exhaling a soft cloud of smoke through a sleepy smile, her voice purring. LOLA Yes, I know. I like things that are bad for me. (touching lawbooks) So... I hear you go both ways. Ned hesitates... about to drink from the paper cup. NED Only once. It was a fraternity prank. I never saw him again. He gulps the water down, crumbles the cup in his hand. LOLA No, I mean... you're a cop and a lawyer. NED Oh. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of scum out there on the streets... but they all deserve a fair and costly trial. Ned turns, tries to casually "dunk" the crumpled cup in the waste basket. He misses. Laura enters with a huge pile of lawbooks in her arms. She sees Ned miss the basket and darts over as he bends down to pick it up. LAURA I'll get that. She picks it up and tosses it into the waste basket. NED Oh... Laura... this is, uh... LOLA Lola Cain. Laura sets the heavy load of books on the desk and steps toward Lola, extending her hand. Lola takes her time removing the long white glove... finally reaching out and shaking Laura's hand with a condescending air. LOLA (sarcastic) So lovely to meet you, Laura. Ned grabs the books and turns to the bookshelf, replacing each lawbook in its proper slot. The "handshake" between Lola and Laura turns tense, then aggressive, eventually becoming a "standing Indian wrestle" as they try to force each other off balance with sheer force. Ned is oblivious to the battle behind him, chattering away. NED Gotta keep these darn books in their right place or we'll never find the ones we need. Let's see, Q thru M... R thru B... W thru F... Laura suddenly whirls Lola around, putting her in an arm lock. But Lola elbows Laura in the stomach! Laura doubles over. Lola feigns sympathy, taking her hand... then spins, twisting Laura's arm, flipping her head over heels! Laura lands on the couch... upside down... gasping. Lola strikes a haughty pose, still holding her lit cigarette. She takes a drag. Laura checks her watch, then tumbles off the couch, landing on her feet. She straightens her skirt. LAURA It's getting late. I'll give you a ride home, Ned. Finished with the books, Ned turns... smiles. NED I have my car. LAURA I'll tow you. NED Not today. You don't need to wait. I'll see you tomorrow. Lola looks at Laura... icy, haughty, triumphant. Laura moves reluctantly toward the door, sees the lock and door frame chewed to pieces... whirls around, heads back toward Ned. LAURA I should call someone to fix this... NED Tomorrow... She instantly spins around, heads back toward the door... LAURA I'll call from home. ...and exits. Ned sits down on the corner of the desk. Lola sits in the chair across from him. LOLA I think I should warn you, Mr. Ravine... I'm not wearing any underwear. She crosses her legs suggestively... then slowly, enticingly, re-crosses them in the other direction. Unimpressed, Ned opens Laura's desk drawer... pulls a pair of sexy lace panties from a Kleenex-style dispenser box labeled "PANDORA'S POP-UP PANTIES"... which pulls another pair up into position. He tosses the panties to Lola. NED Try these on. She does... very, very slowly and seductively... as they talk. NED So... what can I do for you? LOLA I've run across some... papers... and I thought you might be able to tell me what they are. You see, I'm not very experienced when it comes to... papers. NED I'll help you Miss Cain, if I'm able. Do you have the... papers... here? LOLA No... they're at home. I thought you might stop by... NED I'm on duty tonight. LOLA Don't they ever give you a night off? NED Yeah. Tomorrow. LOLA (picks up cigarette) Why don't we meet tomorrow evening then? She finishes pulling the panties on with a sultry smile... "snapping" the elastic waistband. She goes to the door, pauses... turns to him. LOLA I'll let you know where. NED (steps over to her) What's wrong with my office? She looks around, exhaling another cloud of smoke. LOLA Nothing a good interior decorator couldn't fix. She opens the door. Behind her, in the hall, we see Dizzy, the saxophone player, wailing away on "Lola's Theme." CLOSE ON LOLA She takes a final, long drag on her cigarette, then reaches O.S. with it... toward Ned. LOLA Take care of this for me, will ya? With a sultry smile, she turns and leaves, closing the door. ANGLE ON NED The cigarette is stuck in his nose. INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT The front door swings open. Frank is standing there, dressed in a cheap, loose-fitting suit and a T-shirt. FRANK I came back for my shower cap. Lana, now wearing the diaphanous gown, pulls him inside. She kisses him hungrily, slipping a frilly plastic shower cap with a gaudy floral design on his head. LANA Yeah, well you came to the right place. She walks to the living room. Frank follows, still wearing the shower cap. Lana snaps her fingers. LANA Sit down. He sits in a chair, looking around. FRANK Where is he? LANA On duty all night. By the time he wraps up his reports, it'll be close to noon tomorrow. She sits on the couch, picks up a stack of papers. LANA I was just reading over... She looks up at Frank. Sees the shower cap. LANA Take off the hat, Frank. He slips the shower cap off as Lana continues. LANA I was just reading over my husband's insurance policies. You wouldn't know anything about insurance, would you, Frankie? FRANK Yeah, matter of fact, I sell policies part-time. I got half a brain... or didn't you notice? LANA I musta had my eye on something else. (hands him papers) How about a translation. He flips through, scanning the pages, shrugging. FRANK Standard accident policy... all the usual stuff... blah, blah, blah. The face value is... Wow. Not bad. Three million bucks! (flips page) And there's a triple indemnity rider. LANA Meaning? FRANK Aw, it's just something agents throw in so we can boost the premium. If the policy holder dies under very specific conditions, it pays off three times the face value of the policy. LANA Nine million dollars...? FRANK Yeah... but it's a sure bet for the company. Nobody ever collects. LANA Why not? FRANK Well, like here... it only pays off if he's shot with a pistol, falls from a moving northbound train and drowns in a fresh water stream. LANA All three? FRANK See what I mean, sweetheart? What are the odds of that? LANA It could happen. (dramatic beat) Suppose it did happen? FRANK Then you'd be rich. LANA Then we'd be rich. FRANK What're you sayin'...? She drops to her knees in front of him, her face close to his, speaking with a persuasive urgency. LANA We're gonna kill the son-of-a-bitch! And I know exactly how! He has a legal symposium in Santa Barbara this weekend... All we have to do is get him to take the train up instead of driving. FRANK How we gonna do that? Didn't you tell me he hates trains? LANA That's where you come in, baby. You're gonna rig his car so it doesn't work. That should be no problem for you. She gets up, walks to the adjoining room... snapping her fingers at her side. He follows. She steps to a table, pulls the cover off an elaborate scale- model of Dealey Plaza and a train station, complete with HO- Scale model trains chugging around the tracks. She uses a pointer to trace the route to the depot. LANA Then... we give him a lift to the train station... through Dealey Plaza, past the Book Suppository and around the grassy knoll... FRANK Isn't that out of our way? Ignoring this, she turns the LIGHTS OFF, walks over to a screen and picks up a remote control. She clicks the button. A SLIDE PROJECTOR comes on, throwing an IMAGE on Frank's back. We can read the words: THE PLAN. LANA Move, Frank. He moves over. "THE PLAN" appears on the screen. LANA And pay attention. As she talks, IMAGES appear on the screen, accompanying her rapid spiel. We see: a shot of the depot, a map of the rail route, a gun, a river, a Bingo game, baseball action and a huge dollar sign! LANA Ten minutes out of the station he'll be standing in the vestibule between cars... trying to avoid a panic attack. Fourteen minutes and ten seconds out, the train crosses the Santa Ynez River. So at thirteen minutes and fifty-four seconds, I shoot him, shove him out the door... he hits the river and drowns. Bingo! A triple play. We're rich! The lights click ON. FRANK You been thinking about this a lot, haven't you? LANA No. It just came to me. (closer, seductive) I had this image of a big, powerful, throbbing train... plunging into a long, dark, wet tunnel. They embrace, kissing passionately, dropping out of frame. The model train CHUGS faster, the train whistle SHRIEKING a long "Woooooooo-woooooooooo!"... racing into a model tunnel. INT. POLICE STATION - SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT Ned and Arch drag in a bunch of bad-ass, multi-ethnic GANG MEMBERS they've just busted. Ned angrily shoves one of the toughest gang members against the wall... losing his cool. NED Stand over there and shut up! GANG MEMBER #1 Hey, man, we got rights! Don't you be layin' no deleterious malfeasance on us. Ned goes ballistic and slams him into the wall again! NED Watch your mouth, punk! I don't want to hear language like that! Arch grabs Ned by the shoulder, pulling him back, calming him. ARCH Whoa, hold on, hoss! Take it easy. You seem a little tense tonight. What is it? Ned regains his composure. He's depressed. NED Aw... I don't know. I guess it's Lana. It's just... I know she wants to have a baby so bad... Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. NED ...but I never get to spend any time with her. And when I am home... it's like she's, you know... avoiding sex. Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. GANG MEMBER #1 You should try to be more sensitive, man. More romantic. Bring her flowers. He steps between them, putting his arm around Ned's shoulder. GANG MEMBER #1 Try to understand how she feels. After all... He steps back, begins to SING "Try A Little Tenderness"... GANG MEMBER #1 She may be weary... Women do get weary... Wearing that same old shabby dress... But when she's weary... Try a little ten-der-ness... The other Gang Members join in on the SECOND VERSE with a sweet, mellow street-corner harmony as back-up... and some smooth group choreography. The COPS on duty listen raptly, getting maudlin and dewey- eyed. Tears roll down the cheeks of the BOOKING SERGEANT. The lights dim. A big, gruff COP makes eyes at a HOOKER being booked... and they start to slow dance. Arch watches all this with a sentimental smile, munching on his Nachos. When the song ends, Arch puts a comforting hand, covered with Nacho cheese, on Ned's shoulder. NED That can't be it. I'm the tenderest guy on the force. Nah... I think she's just afraid she won't be able to get pregnant. ARCH What's to be afraid! It's like making breakfast! You bring home the bacon... she's got the eggs. Ya scramble it up. Ba-da-boom ba-da-bing! She's got an omelette in the oven! (a beat, then) Why don't you knock off early... go home. It'd be nice for Lana to wake up in the morning and find you there for a change. NED Naw... I can't. I got all this paperwork. ARCH Don't worry about that. GANG MEMBER #1 We'll do our own paperwork, man! OTHER GANG MEMBERS Yeah! We'll fill out all that shit. Ned nods, smiles and gratefully "high-fives" the Gang Members as he heads for the door. INT. THE HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT The house is dark. A key turns in the lock and Ned enters. IN THE BEDROOM It's dark. Ned quietly undresses and slips into bed. INT. BEDROOM - CLOSE ON LANA - DAWN Sunlight creeps through the windows. Lana's eyes flutter open. She sees Ned beside her... sleeping. Suddenly, it hits her. She turns! Frank is on the other side, curled up, snoring. She's laying between both men! Lana elbows Frank. He stirs, groggy. She covers his mouth... indicating Ned. Frank's eyes bug out! He slips out of bed. The bed frame SQUEAKS LOUDLY! Frank freezes. Ned sleeps on steadily. Frank grabs his clothes. An unending torrent of coins fall out of his pants pockets, CLANGING on the floor! He freezes. Ned sleeps on. Frank retrieves the coins, clumsily stepping on the TV REMOTE CONTROL. A high-tech, sleekly designed TELEVISION MONITOR rises up... clicks ON. Frank tries frantically to push the set down, but it keeps rising into position. An IMAGE appears. It's WILLARD SCOTT, doing the weather on the TODAY SHOW. Frank grabs the remote control, frantically pounding on all the buttons. The VOLUME goes up... SOUND BLASTING! WILLARD SCOTT (on television) ...and Mrs. Prudy Ann Camomile of Delphi, Georgia is one-hundred and thirteen! What a gorgeous hunk of female! Smokes three cigars a day, drinks a straight shot of vodka at bedtime... and still has sex! The alarm clock goes off, CLANGING LOUDLY! Lana dives for it, slamming her hand down, killing the alarm. Going for a double-play, she flings the clock at the TV, nailing the on/off switch! Silence. Ned is still out cold. Frank moves toward the door... but with each step the floor CREAKS LOUDLY! He turns the knob. It CLUNKS! He pulls the door open v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y and it CRE-E-E-E-A-K-S like the piercing metal brakes of a train! He blows Lana a kiss, then pulls the door closed very gently. It sticks. He pulls harder. The knob pops off in his hand and he falls backward, tumbling down the stairs with a HUGE RACKET! Ned doesn't stir. Finally it's SILENT. Lana exhales. A SMALL BIRD lands on the sill of the open window, trilling a sweet little "CHIRP." Ned sits bolt upright, irritated. NED Damn birds! He grabs his shoe, heaving it toward the open window. EXT. NED'S HOUSE - MORNING Frank glances back up at the bedroom window with an arrogant smirk. WHAP! Ned's shoe hits him right in the face! EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY Ned comes down the courthouse steps. He pauses in the street, glimpsing the back of a WOMAN passing nearby... a STUNNING BLOND decked out in a clinging dress and fashionable hat... a long strip of toilet paper trailing from her high heel shoe. It must be LOLA. He turns to watch her. A HORN BLARES! BRAKES SCREECH! The SOUND OVERLAPS to... INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - DAY The door opens. Ned enters, looking terrible. Suit ripped, hair messed up, bruised and battered, briefcase crushed. LAURA My God, Ned... you look like you were hit by a bus. NED I was. (notices) Who's in my office? LAURA Max Shady's mother. NED Not again. INSIDE THE OFFICE MRS. SHADY, an older woman with a pleasant appearance, sits in an overstuffed leather chair. Ned and Laura enter. NED Hello, Mrs. Shady. Ned goes straight to his office closet, pulls out an identical blue suit... and starts stripping off his tattered clothes. NED Laura... check on my insurance. Make sure it's paid up. Laura reluctantly returns to the outer office. MRS. SHADY Good idea, Mr. Ravine. My son, Max, is getting out of prison tomorrow. NED (checks his watch) Gee, has it been seven years already? MRS. SHADY Seven long, miserable years in the slammer. And he's a bit pissed off. NED Well, being locked in a tiny room with no TV can make a guy feel pretty tense. MRS. SHADY I'm very concerned about him, Mr. Ravine. He said you were a two-bit shyster... and he's going to rip your head off and use it for a bowling ball! He goes to her, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder, looking her right in the eye, attempting to provide solace. NED I'm sure the experience wasn't all negative. He probably made a lot of friends... MRS. SHADY (ever hopeful) You think? NED ...learned a useful trade... MRS. SHADY Oh yes... live autopsies... NED ...caught up on all those books he wanted to read... She struggles to her feet feebly... MRS. SHADY Maybe so... but he said he's going to punch you in the testicles... She hauls off and PUNCHES him like a pile driver! WHAM! He doubles over, gasping. MRS. SHADY ...smash your face... She KNEES him in the face, raising him up... then nails him with a devastating RIGHT CROSS, spinning him around. He collapses over the desk. MRS. SHADY ...and decimate your wardrobe. She grabs the tail of his suit jacket and rips it up the back! MRS. SHADY And I wouldn't want that to happen. (spanks his butt) He's a naughty naughty boy. I just thought I should warn you. She turns and shuffles out, passing through the outer office. MRS. SHADY (to Laura) Bye for now. (pauses by desk) Oh... may I have a cookie? LAURA (at file cabinet) Sure. She grabs a handful of cookies and casually flings them at Laura... as she heads out the door. MRS. SHADY Thank yooooooooou. Laura rushes into Ned's office with the file folder. He staggers unsteadily by the desk. LAURA Oh my God, Ned. NED I hate when she comes to see me. LAURA Don't you realize, Ned?... you could be in real danger. NED (sees file) What's that? LAURA Extreme peril. You know, the risk of personal bodily harm. NED (points at file) No... I mean that. LAURA Your insurance file. But the policy's missing. Did you take it home? NED I don't think so. Laura looks puzzled... wondering where it might be. Then... LAURA Oh, wait a second... She goes to her desk in the outer office, digs through a drawer. Suddenly, she GASPS! She is holding... A FRAMED PHOTOGRAPH of her abusive HUSBAND... sneering. A circle has been drawn around his head with lipstick and a diagonal line slashed across his face. MATCH DISSOLVE TO: FLASHBACK HER HUSBAND'S FACE peers out through a sailboat porthole at stormy seas. A piece of masking tape stuck to the glass matches the diagonal line. INT. CABIN OF SAILBOAT - NIGHT Laura's Husband turns from the porthole. Laura cowers. The boat pitches and heaves, disturbing all the neatly hung towels, emblazoned with MINE - MINE - MINE across the bottom edge. Laura's Husband reacts with a crazed look in his eyes. Laura makes a break for it, running up on deck. EXT. SAILBOAT IN STORM - NIGHT Laura's Husband scrambles up onto the deck, looking fore and aft. Laura's vanished! He looks out to sea, calling... LAURA'S HUSBAND Lau-raaaaa! EXT. BEACH - NIGHT Laura paddles ashore, grasping a little kid's inflatable float ring. She struggles onto the sand and looks out to sea, triumphant... tossing the plastic float aside. MONTAGE - ULTRA CONTEMPO BEACH HOUSE - NIGHT -- Laura rushes in, tracking water all through the house. -- Laura cuts an inch of hair from her amazingly long, very wet tresses, then puts on a WIG... that is also LONG and WET! -- Laura retrieves a bra and a package of Twinkies from a secret hiding place... and stuffs them into a small brown paper bag. -- Laura hurriedly mops up her water tracks, then... -- She uses an industrial buffer to wax the hardwood floor. -- Laura removes her wedding ring... throws it in the toilet. She reaches for the handle to flush it... hesitates, seeing the "CONSERVE WATER - THIS MEANS YOU!" sticker on the toilet. She reaches into the bowl and retrieves the ring. -- On the deck, Laura throws the wedding ring toward the ocean. A SEAGULL swoops down, snatching it in mid-air and flies off. OMIT Sequence omitted from original script. -- In the bathroom... the Seagull flies in through the open window, lands on the back of the toilet and drops the ring... into the toilet bowl! EXT. THE BEACH - NEXT MORNING Laura's Husband reaches into the surf and picks up the deflated float ring. He looks at it with a cruel sneer. INT. BEACH HOUSE - BATHROOM Laura's Husband fishes Laura's wedding ring out of the toilet bowl... looking off with demonic rage! END FLASHBACK MONTAGE THE CAMERA PULLS BACK from Laura's SCREAMING mouth! Her eyes are filled with pure terror! A GIGANTIC wave of WATER splashes in her face! We see Ned... holding a tiny empty paper cup in his hand. Laura is completely drenched! NED Laura! Are you alright? That was a very long flashback you had. She snaps out of it, sputtering. LAURA Yes... I know. It's okay. I'm just a little... pre-menstrual. She goes to her desk, still upset. She picks up the message spike and turns to Ned. LAURA That Lola Cain... "person"... stopped by. She left this! She thrusts it toward Ned's face! There's a business card stuck on the end. He pulls it off. ANGLE - CLOSE ON BUSINESS CARD It reads: LE HOT CLUB! No Air Conditioning... And Proud Of It! Scribbled next to it is the message... "Meet me at 7:30". The edges of the card are scorched. INT. LE HOT CLUB - NIGHT It's dark, seductive, smoky, crowded... and HOT. Everybody is dripping with sweat and holding unlit cigarettes. Ned enters, sees Lola sitting on a stool at the bar, one leg crossed provocatively over the other. A beer can is stuck to the gum on the bottom of her shoe. It falls off with a CLUNK. He sits on the stool next to her. She looks at him, smiles. NED Oh yeah, before I forget... you asked me to take care of this. He reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a LIT CIGARETTE. It has a very long ash. LOLA Thanks... She takes it... inhales a drag, then lets the smoke flow out through her smile. It flows out for a loooooooooong time! More smoke than she could ever have inhaled. Then... NED You smoke too much. (looks around, then) It's hot tonight. LOLA Is it? I never know. My body heat runs about twenty degrees above normal. He notices the drink in her hand is BOILING. A saxophone begins to softly wail Lola's Theme. Ned looks over to see a QUARTET, featuring Dizzy on sax. The GUITARIST spontaneously bursts into FLAME! A FIREMAN, in full gear, jumps up from the bar and puts out the blaze with a fire extinguisher. None of the band members miss a beat. NED Maybe we should look for a cooler place. LOLA I doubt we'll find one. Even the wind chimes on my porch aren't moving much these days. They keep thudding softly, like dairy cows bumping butts in the night. I go out there expecting to find a cool breeze... but it's just a lot of hot air. Ned glances at the MALE CUSTOMERS... sitting at the bar across from them. They're staring coldly at Ned. NED What're they lookin' at? LOLA A lot of them have tried that seat. You're the first one's lasted this long. NED I feel honored. LOLA Don't. It's broken. A beat of realization, then the stool collapses with a CRASH! Ned pulls himself back up and drags another stool over. NED Did you bring the... papers? LOLA No. I thought you might come over... NED Sure. I'll drive you. LOLA I brought my own car. NED I'll follow you then. LOLA I know it sounds silly, but would you leave first... wait in your car? I come here a lot and I wouldn't want those men to think I'm "easy"... a slut who'll jump into bed with anyone at the drop of a hat. But if you leave first... NED ...they'll think I'm a putz for passing up a sure thing. Lola stares at Ned for a long moment... then SLAPS his face. He doesn't move, remaining staunchly macho. Then, suddenly, she SLUGS HIM so hard it knocks him over the top of the bar! LOLA (for all to hear) Now leave me alone! She pauses to give him a flicker of a COY SMILE... then picks up her drink and moves to a nearby table. Ned struggles to his feet and staggers to the door. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Ned is a mess! Blood trickles from the side of his mouth. Shirt soaked in sweat. He turns the radio ON. LOLA'S THEME starts playing. A small ceiling fan hangs from the interior roof of his car, turning slowly. The venetian blinds on his side windows are partially open, letting in slashes of dramatic light. ANGLE - HIS POV OF ROAD He's following Lola's car. It signals and turns left. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Still hot, Ned pulls the chain on the ceiling fan. It spins faster. MUCH faster! The car becomes like a wind tunnel! EXT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT The two cars enter a long drive, coming to a stop near a large two story house surrounded by lush greenery. Ned climbs out... his wind-blown hair flattened on one side and sticking out crazily. ANGLE - LOLA'S CAR DOOR - NED'S POV It opens. Lola's legs swing out. The CAMERA PANS DOWN her long legs to her feet. The car floormat is stuck to one shoe. She casually shakes it off... going to the front door. INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT They enter. It's DARK. Ned squints into the shadows. NED Well, here we are... in the dark. LOLA I have The Clapper. NED You what? Lola CLAPS her hands twice and all the LIGHTS COME ON. She smiles at him... drops her car keys on the hall table, then goes up the stairs. Ned drops his car keys on the table too and follows her. EXT. PORCH OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola clicks on a porch light. She and Ned step out. Dozens of small boxes hang around the perimeter of the porch. LOLA My wind chimes. Ned steps over, running his hands along the boxes. They "thud" against each other. NED You know, these would work a lot better if you took them out of the boxes. He slips several boxes off, releasing clusters of the metal chimes. They "tinkle" and "clang" melodically in the breeze. LOLA Well well... I guess you have been around. I'm impressed. She moves close, coming on to him. Ned feels uneasy. NED Why don't we take a look at those... papers? LOLA (remembering) Papers. Right. INT. DRESSING AREA OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola comes in, looks around, then down. She removes her shoe, pulling off two scraps of paper stuck to the gum on her heel. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Ned is looking through a book... "KAMIKAZE KAMA SUTRA - The Encyclopedia of Deadly Sexual Positions." Lola comes back in, hands Ned the two scraps of paper. NED That's it? These are the... papers? LOLA Yes. They're so confusing to me. Can you tell me what they are? He checks them out... shrugs. It's obvious. NED This one's a laundry receipt... and the other one's an expired lottery ticket. He hands them back to her, but she gently pushes them away. LOLA No. You keep them... as a memento of our time together. She slips them into his jacket pocket... then sensuously slides her hands around him, grabbing his buns, pulling him closer. LOLA I'm so grateful. How can I ever repay you for all you've done? NED Cash would be nice. LOLA Isn't there some other way? NED I suppose you could wash my car. LOLA No, I mean, isn't there something else you want? Something I could give you? She seductively starts to slide the jacket off his shoulders. NED Hey... slow down... there's a speed limit in this state. Sixty-five miles an hour. LOLA How fast was I going, officer? NED Oh, about a hundred and twenty-three. LOLA Suppose you pull me over and frisk me? NED Suppose I let you off with a warning? LOLA Suppose I find a cop with a bigger nightstick? NED Suppose I put you under arrest for being a bad girl with bad thoughts? LOLA Suppose you handcuff me to the bed? NED (rapid run-on) Suppose I do and then we lose the key and while I'm gone to get a duplicate made the house catches on fire and I can't get back to save you because the bridge is washed out and so you die a horrible death toasted like a Polish sausage on a flaming spit! (shakes his head) Nah... I better be going. He turns and leaves. She is stunned, confused, breathless. EXT. FRONT DOOR - NIGHT Ned opens the door, pauses, turns... as Lola joins him there. She looks into his eyes with desire. LOLA You're not so tough. Last chance. She moves her lips close to his, about to kiss him. Then... NED No thanks. I got a cold shower and a wife who trusts me waiting at home. LOLA What's the matter? Don't you want me? It's the way I look, isn't it? He steps out, pauses... turns to her. NED Don't forget to lock up. Ned pulls the door shut. The lock CLICKS. He pauses by his car, realizing | mrs. | How many times the word 'mrs.' appears in the text? | 2 |
woman can do... with a bobbie pin. Ned looks at the door. The frame and lock have been brutally chewed away, as if someone used a jackhammer on them! She pulls out a pack of cigarettes... BLACK LUNG LITES. LOLA (offering) Cigarette? NED No... thanks. They're bad for ya. He goes to the water cooler. She lights up, exhaling a soft cloud of smoke through a sleepy smile, her voice purring. LOLA Yes, I know. I like things that are bad for me. (touching lawbooks) So... I hear you go both ways. Ned hesitates... about to drink from the paper cup. NED Only once. It was a fraternity prank. I never saw him again. He gulps the water down, crumbles the cup in his hand. LOLA No, I mean... you're a cop and a lawyer. NED Oh. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of scum out there on the streets... but they all deserve a fair and costly trial. Ned turns, tries to casually "dunk" the crumpled cup in the waste basket. He misses. Laura enters with a huge pile of lawbooks in her arms. She sees Ned miss the basket and darts over as he bends down to pick it up. LAURA I'll get that. She picks it up and tosses it into the waste basket. NED Oh... Laura... this is, uh... LOLA Lola Cain. Laura sets the heavy load of books on the desk and steps toward Lola, extending her hand. Lola takes her time removing the long white glove... finally reaching out and shaking Laura's hand with a condescending air. LOLA (sarcastic) So lovely to meet you, Laura. Ned grabs the books and turns to the bookshelf, replacing each lawbook in its proper slot. The "handshake" between Lola and Laura turns tense, then aggressive, eventually becoming a "standing Indian wrestle" as they try to force each other off balance with sheer force. Ned is oblivious to the battle behind him, chattering away. NED Gotta keep these darn books in their right place or we'll never find the ones we need. Let's see, Q thru M... R thru B... W thru F... Laura suddenly whirls Lola around, putting her in an arm lock. But Lola elbows Laura in the stomach! Laura doubles over. Lola feigns sympathy, taking her hand... then spins, twisting Laura's arm, flipping her head over heels! Laura lands on the couch... upside down... gasping. Lola strikes a haughty pose, still holding her lit cigarette. She takes a drag. Laura checks her watch, then tumbles off the couch, landing on her feet. She straightens her skirt. LAURA It's getting late. I'll give you a ride home, Ned. Finished with the books, Ned turns... smiles. NED I have my car. LAURA I'll tow you. NED Not today. You don't need to wait. I'll see you tomorrow. Lola looks at Laura... icy, haughty, triumphant. Laura moves reluctantly toward the door, sees the lock and door frame chewed to pieces... whirls around, heads back toward Ned. LAURA I should call someone to fix this... NED Tomorrow... She instantly spins around, heads back toward the door... LAURA I'll call from home. ...and exits. Ned sits down on the corner of the desk. Lola sits in the chair across from him. LOLA I think I should warn you, Mr. Ravine... I'm not wearing any underwear. She crosses her legs suggestively... then slowly, enticingly, re-crosses them in the other direction. Unimpressed, Ned opens Laura's desk drawer... pulls a pair of sexy lace panties from a Kleenex-style dispenser box labeled "PANDORA'S POP-UP PANTIES"... which pulls another pair up into position. He tosses the panties to Lola. NED Try these on. She does... very, very slowly and seductively... as they talk. NED So... what can I do for you? LOLA I've run across some... papers... and I thought you might be able to tell me what they are. You see, I'm not very experienced when it comes to... papers. NED I'll help you Miss Cain, if I'm able. Do you have the... papers... here? LOLA No... they're at home. I thought you might stop by... NED I'm on duty tonight. LOLA Don't they ever give you a night off? NED Yeah. Tomorrow. LOLA (picks up cigarette) Why don't we meet tomorrow evening then? She finishes pulling the panties on with a sultry smile... "snapping" the elastic waistband. She goes to the door, pauses... turns to him. LOLA I'll let you know where. NED (steps over to her) What's wrong with my office? She looks around, exhaling another cloud of smoke. LOLA Nothing a good interior decorator couldn't fix. She opens the door. Behind her, in the hall, we see Dizzy, the saxophone player, wailing away on "Lola's Theme." CLOSE ON LOLA She takes a final, long drag on her cigarette, then reaches O.S. with it... toward Ned. LOLA Take care of this for me, will ya? With a sultry smile, she turns and leaves, closing the door. ANGLE ON NED The cigarette is stuck in his nose. INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT The front door swings open. Frank is standing there, dressed in a cheap, loose-fitting suit and a T-shirt. FRANK I came back for my shower cap. Lana, now wearing the diaphanous gown, pulls him inside. She kisses him hungrily, slipping a frilly plastic shower cap with a gaudy floral design on his head. LANA Yeah, well you came to the right place. She walks to the living room. Frank follows, still wearing the shower cap. Lana snaps her fingers. LANA Sit down. He sits in a chair, looking around. FRANK Where is he? LANA On duty all night. By the time he wraps up his reports, it'll be close to noon tomorrow. She sits on the couch, picks up a stack of papers. LANA I was just reading over... She looks up at Frank. Sees the shower cap. LANA Take off the hat, Frank. He slips the shower cap off as Lana continues. LANA I was just reading over my husband's insurance policies. You wouldn't know anything about insurance, would you, Frankie? FRANK Yeah, matter of fact, I sell policies part-time. I got half a brain... or didn't you notice? LANA I musta had my eye on something else. (hands him papers) How about a translation. He flips through, scanning the pages, shrugging. FRANK Standard accident policy... all the usual stuff... blah, blah, blah. The face value is... Wow. Not bad. Three million bucks! (flips page) And there's a triple indemnity rider. LANA Meaning? FRANK Aw, it's just something agents throw in so we can boost the premium. If the policy holder dies under very specific conditions, it pays off three times the face value of the policy. LANA Nine million dollars...? FRANK Yeah... but it's a sure bet for the company. Nobody ever collects. LANA Why not? FRANK Well, like here... it only pays off if he's shot with a pistol, falls from a moving northbound train and drowns in a fresh water stream. LANA All three? FRANK See what I mean, sweetheart? What are the odds of that? LANA It could happen. (dramatic beat) Suppose it did happen? FRANK Then you'd be rich. LANA Then we'd be rich. FRANK What're you sayin'...? She drops to her knees in front of him, her face close to his, speaking with a persuasive urgency. LANA We're gonna kill the son-of-a-bitch! And I know exactly how! He has a legal symposium in Santa Barbara this weekend... All we have to do is get him to take the train up instead of driving. FRANK How we gonna do that? Didn't you tell me he hates trains? LANA That's where you come in, baby. You're gonna rig his car so it doesn't work. That should be no problem for you. She gets up, walks to the adjoining room... snapping her fingers at her side. He follows. She steps to a table, pulls the cover off an elaborate scale- model of Dealey Plaza and a train station, complete with HO- Scale model trains chugging around the tracks. She uses a pointer to trace the route to the depot. LANA Then... we give him a lift to the train station... through Dealey Plaza, past the Book Suppository and around the grassy knoll... FRANK Isn't that out of our way? Ignoring this, she turns the LIGHTS OFF, walks over to a screen and picks up a remote control. She clicks the button. A SLIDE PROJECTOR comes on, throwing an IMAGE on Frank's back. We can read the words: THE PLAN. LANA Move, Frank. He moves over. "THE PLAN" appears on the screen. LANA And pay attention. As she talks, IMAGES appear on the screen, accompanying her rapid spiel. We see: a shot of the depot, a map of the rail route, a gun, a river, a Bingo game, baseball action and a huge dollar sign! LANA Ten minutes out of the station he'll be standing in the vestibule between cars... trying to avoid a panic attack. Fourteen minutes and ten seconds out, the train crosses the Santa Ynez River. So at thirteen minutes and fifty-four seconds, I shoot him, shove him out the door... he hits the river and drowns. Bingo! A triple play. We're rich! The lights click ON. FRANK You been thinking about this a lot, haven't you? LANA No. It just came to me. (closer, seductive) I had this image of a big, powerful, throbbing train... plunging into a long, dark, wet tunnel. They embrace, kissing passionately, dropping out of frame. The model train CHUGS faster, the train whistle SHRIEKING a long "Woooooooo-woooooooooo!"... racing into a model tunnel. INT. POLICE STATION - SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT Ned and Arch drag in a bunch of bad-ass, multi-ethnic GANG MEMBERS they've just busted. Ned angrily shoves one of the toughest gang members against the wall... losing his cool. NED Stand over there and shut up! GANG MEMBER #1 Hey, man, we got rights! Don't you be layin' no deleterious malfeasance on us. Ned goes ballistic and slams him into the wall again! NED Watch your mouth, punk! I don't want to hear language like that! Arch grabs Ned by the shoulder, pulling him back, calming him. ARCH Whoa, hold on, hoss! Take it easy. You seem a little tense tonight. What is it? Ned regains his composure. He's depressed. NED Aw... I don't know. I guess it's Lana. It's just... I know she wants to have a baby so bad... Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. NED ...but I never get to spend any time with her. And when I am home... it's like she's, you know... avoiding sex. Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. GANG MEMBER #1 You should try to be more sensitive, man. More romantic. Bring her flowers. He steps between them, putting his arm around Ned's shoulder. GANG MEMBER #1 Try to understand how she feels. After all... He steps back, begins to SING "Try A Little Tenderness"... GANG MEMBER #1 She may be weary... Women do get weary... Wearing that same old shabby dress... But when she's weary... Try a little ten-der-ness... The other Gang Members join in on the SECOND VERSE with a sweet, mellow street-corner harmony as back-up... and some smooth group choreography. The COPS on duty listen raptly, getting maudlin and dewey- eyed. Tears roll down the cheeks of the BOOKING SERGEANT. The lights dim. A big, gruff COP makes eyes at a HOOKER being booked... and they start to slow dance. Arch watches all this with a sentimental smile, munching on his Nachos. When the song ends, Arch puts a comforting hand, covered with Nacho cheese, on Ned's shoulder. NED That can't be it. I'm the tenderest guy on the force. Nah... I think she's just afraid she won't be able to get pregnant. ARCH What's to be afraid! It's like making breakfast! You bring home the bacon... she's got the eggs. Ya scramble it up. Ba-da-boom ba-da-bing! She's got an omelette in the oven! (a beat, then) Why don't you knock off early... go home. It'd be nice for Lana to wake up in the morning and find you there for a change. NED Naw... I can't. I got all this paperwork. ARCH Don't worry about that. GANG MEMBER #1 We'll do our own paperwork, man! OTHER GANG MEMBERS Yeah! We'll fill out all that shit. Ned nods, smiles and gratefully "high-fives" the Gang Members as he heads for the door. INT. THE HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT The house is dark. A key turns in the lock and Ned enters. IN THE BEDROOM It's dark. Ned quietly undresses and slips into bed. INT. BEDROOM - CLOSE ON LANA - DAWN Sunlight creeps through the windows. Lana's eyes flutter open. She sees Ned beside her... sleeping. Suddenly, it hits her. She turns! Frank is on the other side, curled up, snoring. She's laying between both men! Lana elbows Frank. He stirs, groggy. She covers his mouth... indicating Ned. Frank's eyes bug out! He slips out of bed. The bed frame SQUEAKS LOUDLY! Frank freezes. Ned sleeps on steadily. Frank grabs his clothes. An unending torrent of coins fall out of his pants pockets, CLANGING on the floor! He freezes. Ned sleeps on. Frank retrieves the coins, clumsily stepping on the TV REMOTE CONTROL. A high-tech, sleekly designed TELEVISION MONITOR rises up... clicks ON. Frank tries frantically to push the set down, but it keeps rising into position. An IMAGE appears. It's WILLARD SCOTT, doing the weather on the TODAY SHOW. Frank grabs the remote control, frantically pounding on all the buttons. The VOLUME goes up... SOUND BLASTING! WILLARD SCOTT (on television) ...and Mrs. Prudy Ann Camomile of Delphi, Georgia is one-hundred and thirteen! What a gorgeous hunk of female! Smokes three cigars a day, drinks a straight shot of vodka at bedtime... and still has sex! The alarm clock goes off, CLANGING LOUDLY! Lana dives for it, slamming her hand down, killing the alarm. Going for a double-play, she flings the clock at the TV, nailing the on/off switch! Silence. Ned is still out cold. Frank moves toward the door... but with each step the floor CREAKS LOUDLY! He turns the knob. It CLUNKS! He pulls the door open v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y and it CRE-E-E-E-A-K-S like the piercing metal brakes of a train! He blows Lana a kiss, then pulls the door closed very gently. It sticks. He pulls harder. The knob pops off in his hand and he falls backward, tumbling down the stairs with a HUGE RACKET! Ned doesn't stir. Finally it's SILENT. Lana exhales. A SMALL BIRD lands on the sill of the open window, trilling a sweet little "CHIRP." Ned sits bolt upright, irritated. NED Damn birds! He grabs his shoe, heaving it toward the open window. EXT. NED'S HOUSE - MORNING Frank glances back up at the bedroom window with an arrogant smirk. WHAP! Ned's shoe hits him right in the face! EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY Ned comes down the courthouse steps. He pauses in the street, glimpsing the back of a WOMAN passing nearby... a STUNNING BLOND decked out in a clinging dress and fashionable hat... a long strip of toilet paper trailing from her high heel shoe. It must be LOLA. He turns to watch her. A HORN BLARES! BRAKES SCREECH! The SOUND OVERLAPS to... INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - DAY The door opens. Ned enters, looking terrible. Suit ripped, hair messed up, bruised and battered, briefcase crushed. LAURA My God, Ned... you look like you were hit by a bus. NED I was. (notices) Who's in my office? LAURA Max Shady's mother. NED Not again. INSIDE THE OFFICE MRS. SHADY, an older woman with a pleasant appearance, sits in an overstuffed leather chair. Ned and Laura enter. NED Hello, Mrs. Shady. Ned goes straight to his office closet, pulls out an identical blue suit... and starts stripping off his tattered clothes. NED Laura... check on my insurance. Make sure it's paid up. Laura reluctantly returns to the outer office. MRS. SHADY Good idea, Mr. Ravine. My son, Max, is getting out of prison tomorrow. NED (checks his watch) Gee, has it been seven years already? MRS. SHADY Seven long, miserable years in the slammer. And he's a bit pissed off. NED Well, being locked in a tiny room with no TV can make a guy feel pretty tense. MRS. SHADY I'm very concerned about him, Mr. Ravine. He said you were a two-bit shyster... and he's going to rip your head off and use it for a bowling ball! He goes to her, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder, looking her right in the eye, attempting to provide solace. NED I'm sure the experience wasn't all negative. He probably made a lot of friends... MRS. SHADY (ever hopeful) You think? NED ...learned a useful trade... MRS. SHADY Oh yes... live autopsies... NED ...caught up on all those books he wanted to read... She struggles to her feet feebly... MRS. SHADY Maybe so... but he said he's going to punch you in the testicles... She hauls off and PUNCHES him like a pile driver! WHAM! He doubles over, gasping. MRS. SHADY ...smash your face... She KNEES him in the face, raising him up... then nails him with a devastating RIGHT CROSS, spinning him around. He collapses over the desk. MRS. SHADY ...and decimate your wardrobe. She grabs the tail of his suit jacket and rips it up the back! MRS. SHADY And I wouldn't want that to happen. (spanks his butt) He's a naughty naughty boy. I just thought I should warn you. She turns and shuffles out, passing through the outer office. MRS. SHADY (to Laura) Bye for now. (pauses by desk) Oh... may I have a cookie? LAURA (at file cabinet) Sure. She grabs a handful of cookies and casually flings them at Laura... as she heads out the door. MRS. SHADY Thank yooooooooou. Laura rushes into Ned's office with the file folder. He staggers unsteadily by the desk. LAURA Oh my God, Ned. NED I hate when she comes to see me. LAURA Don't you realize, Ned?... you could be in real danger. NED (sees file) What's that? LAURA Extreme peril. You know, the risk of personal bodily harm. NED (points at file) No... I mean that. LAURA Your insurance file. But the policy's missing. Did you take it home? NED I don't think so. Laura looks puzzled... wondering where it might be. Then... LAURA Oh, wait a second... She goes to her desk in the outer office, digs through a drawer. Suddenly, she GASPS! She is holding... A FRAMED PHOTOGRAPH of her abusive HUSBAND... sneering. A circle has been drawn around his head with lipstick and a diagonal line slashed across his face. MATCH DISSOLVE TO: FLASHBACK HER HUSBAND'S FACE peers out through a sailboat porthole at stormy seas. A piece of masking tape stuck to the glass matches the diagonal line. INT. CABIN OF SAILBOAT - NIGHT Laura's Husband turns from the porthole. Laura cowers. The boat pitches and heaves, disturbing all the neatly hung towels, emblazoned with MINE - MINE - MINE across the bottom edge. Laura's Husband reacts with a crazed look in his eyes. Laura makes a break for it, running up on deck. EXT. SAILBOAT IN STORM - NIGHT Laura's Husband scrambles up onto the deck, looking fore and aft. Laura's vanished! He looks out to sea, calling... LAURA'S HUSBAND Lau-raaaaa! EXT. BEACH - NIGHT Laura paddles ashore, grasping a little kid's inflatable float ring. She struggles onto the sand and looks out to sea, triumphant... tossing the plastic float aside. MONTAGE - ULTRA CONTEMPO BEACH HOUSE - NIGHT -- Laura rushes in, tracking water all through the house. -- Laura cuts an inch of hair from her amazingly long, very wet tresses, then puts on a WIG... that is also LONG and WET! -- Laura retrieves a bra and a package of Twinkies from a secret hiding place... and stuffs them into a small brown paper bag. -- Laura hurriedly mops up her water tracks, then... -- She uses an industrial buffer to wax the hardwood floor. -- Laura removes her wedding ring... throws it in the toilet. She reaches for the handle to flush it... hesitates, seeing the "CONSERVE WATER - THIS MEANS YOU!" sticker on the toilet. She reaches into the bowl and retrieves the ring. -- On the deck, Laura throws the wedding ring toward the ocean. A SEAGULL swoops down, snatching it in mid-air and flies off. OMIT Sequence omitted from original script. -- In the bathroom... the Seagull flies in through the open window, lands on the back of the toilet and drops the ring... into the toilet bowl! EXT. THE BEACH - NEXT MORNING Laura's Husband reaches into the surf and picks up the deflated float ring. He looks at it with a cruel sneer. INT. BEACH HOUSE - BATHROOM Laura's Husband fishes Laura's wedding ring out of the toilet bowl... looking off with demonic rage! END FLASHBACK MONTAGE THE CAMERA PULLS BACK from Laura's SCREAMING mouth! Her eyes are filled with pure terror! A GIGANTIC wave of WATER splashes in her face! We see Ned... holding a tiny empty paper cup in his hand. Laura is completely drenched! NED Laura! Are you alright? That was a very long flashback you had. She snaps out of it, sputtering. LAURA Yes... I know. It's okay. I'm just a little... pre-menstrual. She goes to her desk, still upset. She picks up the message spike and turns to Ned. LAURA That Lola Cain... "person"... stopped by. She left this! She thrusts it toward Ned's face! There's a business card stuck on the end. He pulls it off. ANGLE - CLOSE ON BUSINESS CARD It reads: LE HOT CLUB! No Air Conditioning... And Proud Of It! Scribbled next to it is the message... "Meet me at 7:30". The edges of the card are scorched. INT. LE HOT CLUB - NIGHT It's dark, seductive, smoky, crowded... and HOT. Everybody is dripping with sweat and holding unlit cigarettes. Ned enters, sees Lola sitting on a stool at the bar, one leg crossed provocatively over the other. A beer can is stuck to the gum on the bottom of her shoe. It falls off with a CLUNK. He sits on the stool next to her. She looks at him, smiles. NED Oh yeah, before I forget... you asked me to take care of this. He reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a LIT CIGARETTE. It has a very long ash. LOLA Thanks... She takes it... inhales a drag, then lets the smoke flow out through her smile. It flows out for a loooooooooong time! More smoke than she could ever have inhaled. Then... NED You smoke too much. (looks around, then) It's hot tonight. LOLA Is it? I never know. My body heat runs about twenty degrees above normal. He notices the drink in her hand is BOILING. A saxophone begins to softly wail Lola's Theme. Ned looks over to see a QUARTET, featuring Dizzy on sax. The GUITARIST spontaneously bursts into FLAME! A FIREMAN, in full gear, jumps up from the bar and puts out the blaze with a fire extinguisher. None of the band members miss a beat. NED Maybe we should look for a cooler place. LOLA I doubt we'll find one. Even the wind chimes on my porch aren't moving much these days. They keep thudding softly, like dairy cows bumping butts in the night. I go out there expecting to find a cool breeze... but it's just a lot of hot air. Ned glances at the MALE CUSTOMERS... sitting at the bar across from them. They're staring coldly at Ned. NED What're they lookin' at? LOLA A lot of them have tried that seat. You're the first one's lasted this long. NED I feel honored. LOLA Don't. It's broken. A beat of realization, then the stool collapses with a CRASH! Ned pulls himself back up and drags another stool over. NED Did you bring the... papers? LOLA No. I thought you might come over... NED Sure. I'll drive you. LOLA I brought my own car. NED I'll follow you then. LOLA I know it sounds silly, but would you leave first... wait in your car? I come here a lot and I wouldn't want those men to think I'm "easy"... a slut who'll jump into bed with anyone at the drop of a hat. But if you leave first... NED ...they'll think I'm a putz for passing up a sure thing. Lola stares at Ned for a long moment... then SLAPS his face. He doesn't move, remaining staunchly macho. Then, suddenly, she SLUGS HIM so hard it knocks him over the top of the bar! LOLA (for all to hear) Now leave me alone! She pauses to give him a flicker of a COY SMILE... then picks up her drink and moves to a nearby table. Ned struggles to his feet and staggers to the door. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Ned is a mess! Blood trickles from the side of his mouth. Shirt soaked in sweat. He turns the radio ON. LOLA'S THEME starts playing. A small ceiling fan hangs from the interior roof of his car, turning slowly. The venetian blinds on his side windows are partially open, letting in slashes of dramatic light. ANGLE - HIS POV OF ROAD He's following Lola's car. It signals and turns left. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Still hot, Ned pulls the chain on the ceiling fan. It spins faster. MUCH faster! The car becomes like a wind tunnel! EXT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT The two cars enter a long drive, coming to a stop near a large two story house surrounded by lush greenery. Ned climbs out... his wind-blown hair flattened on one side and sticking out crazily. ANGLE - LOLA'S CAR DOOR - NED'S POV It opens. Lola's legs swing out. The CAMERA PANS DOWN her long legs to her feet. The car floormat is stuck to one shoe. She casually shakes it off... going to the front door. INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT They enter. It's DARK. Ned squints into the shadows. NED Well, here we are... in the dark. LOLA I have The Clapper. NED You what? Lola CLAPS her hands twice and all the LIGHTS COME ON. She smiles at him... drops her car keys on the hall table, then goes up the stairs. Ned drops his car keys on the table too and follows her. EXT. PORCH OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola clicks on a porch light. She and Ned step out. Dozens of small boxes hang around the perimeter of the porch. LOLA My wind chimes. Ned steps over, running his hands along the boxes. They "thud" against each other. NED You know, these would work a lot better if you took them out of the boxes. He slips several boxes off, releasing clusters of the metal chimes. They "tinkle" and "clang" melodically in the breeze. LOLA Well well... I guess you have been around. I'm impressed. She moves close, coming on to him. Ned feels uneasy. NED Why don't we take a look at those... papers? LOLA (remembering) Papers. Right. INT. DRESSING AREA OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola comes in, looks around, then down. She removes her shoe, pulling off two scraps of paper stuck to the gum on her heel. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Ned is looking through a book... "KAMIKAZE KAMA SUTRA - The Encyclopedia of Deadly Sexual Positions." Lola comes back in, hands Ned the two scraps of paper. NED That's it? These are the... papers? LOLA Yes. They're so confusing to me. Can you tell me what they are? He checks them out... shrugs. It's obvious. NED This one's a laundry receipt... and the other one's an expired lottery ticket. He hands them back to her, but she gently pushes them away. LOLA No. You keep them... as a memento of our time together. She slips them into his jacket pocket... then sensuously slides her hands around him, grabbing his buns, pulling him closer. LOLA I'm so grateful. How can I ever repay you for all you've done? NED Cash would be nice. LOLA Isn't there some other way? NED I suppose you could wash my car. LOLA No, I mean, isn't there something else you want? Something I could give you? She seductively starts to slide the jacket off his shoulders. NED Hey... slow down... there's a speed limit in this state. Sixty-five miles an hour. LOLA How fast was I going, officer? NED Oh, about a hundred and twenty-three. LOLA Suppose you pull me over and frisk me? NED Suppose I let you off with a warning? LOLA Suppose I find a cop with a bigger nightstick? NED Suppose I put you under arrest for being a bad girl with bad thoughts? LOLA Suppose you handcuff me to the bed? NED (rapid run-on) Suppose I do and then we lose the key and while I'm gone to get a duplicate made the house catches on fire and I can't get back to save you because the bridge is washed out and so you die a horrible death toasted like a Polish sausage on a flaming spit! (shakes his head) Nah... I better be going. He turns and leaves. She is stunned, confused, breathless. EXT. FRONT DOOR - NIGHT Ned opens the door, pauses, turns... as Lola joins him there. She looks into his eyes with desire. LOLA You're not so tough. Last chance. She moves her lips close to his, about to kiss him. Then... NED No thanks. I got a cold shower and a wife who trusts me waiting at home. LOLA What's the matter? Don't you want me? It's the way I look, isn't it? He steps out, pauses... turns to her. NED Don't forget to lock up. Ned pulls the door shut. The lock CLICKS. He pauses by his car, realizing | presence | How many times the word 'presence' appears in the text? | 0 |
woman can do... with a bobbie pin. Ned looks at the door. The frame and lock have been brutally chewed away, as if someone used a jackhammer on them! She pulls out a pack of cigarettes... BLACK LUNG LITES. LOLA (offering) Cigarette? NED No... thanks. They're bad for ya. He goes to the water cooler. She lights up, exhaling a soft cloud of smoke through a sleepy smile, her voice purring. LOLA Yes, I know. I like things that are bad for me. (touching lawbooks) So... I hear you go both ways. Ned hesitates... about to drink from the paper cup. NED Only once. It was a fraternity prank. I never saw him again. He gulps the water down, crumbles the cup in his hand. LOLA No, I mean... you're a cop and a lawyer. NED Oh. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of scum out there on the streets... but they all deserve a fair and costly trial. Ned turns, tries to casually "dunk" the crumpled cup in the waste basket. He misses. Laura enters with a huge pile of lawbooks in her arms. She sees Ned miss the basket and darts over as he bends down to pick it up. LAURA I'll get that. She picks it up and tosses it into the waste basket. NED Oh... Laura... this is, uh... LOLA Lola Cain. Laura sets the heavy load of books on the desk and steps toward Lola, extending her hand. Lola takes her time removing the long white glove... finally reaching out and shaking Laura's hand with a condescending air. LOLA (sarcastic) So lovely to meet you, Laura. Ned grabs the books and turns to the bookshelf, replacing each lawbook in its proper slot. The "handshake" between Lola and Laura turns tense, then aggressive, eventually becoming a "standing Indian wrestle" as they try to force each other off balance with sheer force. Ned is oblivious to the battle behind him, chattering away. NED Gotta keep these darn books in their right place or we'll never find the ones we need. Let's see, Q thru M... R thru B... W thru F... Laura suddenly whirls Lola around, putting her in an arm lock. But Lola elbows Laura in the stomach! Laura doubles over. Lola feigns sympathy, taking her hand... then spins, twisting Laura's arm, flipping her head over heels! Laura lands on the couch... upside down... gasping. Lola strikes a haughty pose, still holding her lit cigarette. She takes a drag. Laura checks her watch, then tumbles off the couch, landing on her feet. She straightens her skirt. LAURA It's getting late. I'll give you a ride home, Ned. Finished with the books, Ned turns... smiles. NED I have my car. LAURA I'll tow you. NED Not today. You don't need to wait. I'll see you tomorrow. Lola looks at Laura... icy, haughty, triumphant. Laura moves reluctantly toward the door, sees the lock and door frame chewed to pieces... whirls around, heads back toward Ned. LAURA I should call someone to fix this... NED Tomorrow... She instantly spins around, heads back toward the door... LAURA I'll call from home. ...and exits. Ned sits down on the corner of the desk. Lola sits in the chair across from him. LOLA I think I should warn you, Mr. Ravine... I'm not wearing any underwear. She crosses her legs suggestively... then slowly, enticingly, re-crosses them in the other direction. Unimpressed, Ned opens Laura's desk drawer... pulls a pair of sexy lace panties from a Kleenex-style dispenser box labeled "PANDORA'S POP-UP PANTIES"... which pulls another pair up into position. He tosses the panties to Lola. NED Try these on. She does... very, very slowly and seductively... as they talk. NED So... what can I do for you? LOLA I've run across some... papers... and I thought you might be able to tell me what they are. You see, I'm not very experienced when it comes to... papers. NED I'll help you Miss Cain, if I'm able. Do you have the... papers... here? LOLA No... they're at home. I thought you might stop by... NED I'm on duty tonight. LOLA Don't they ever give you a night off? NED Yeah. Tomorrow. LOLA (picks up cigarette) Why don't we meet tomorrow evening then? She finishes pulling the panties on with a sultry smile... "snapping" the elastic waistband. She goes to the door, pauses... turns to him. LOLA I'll let you know where. NED (steps over to her) What's wrong with my office? She looks around, exhaling another cloud of smoke. LOLA Nothing a good interior decorator couldn't fix. She opens the door. Behind her, in the hall, we see Dizzy, the saxophone player, wailing away on "Lola's Theme." CLOSE ON LOLA She takes a final, long drag on her cigarette, then reaches O.S. with it... toward Ned. LOLA Take care of this for me, will ya? With a sultry smile, she turns and leaves, closing the door. ANGLE ON NED The cigarette is stuck in his nose. INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT The front door swings open. Frank is standing there, dressed in a cheap, loose-fitting suit and a T-shirt. FRANK I came back for my shower cap. Lana, now wearing the diaphanous gown, pulls him inside. She kisses him hungrily, slipping a frilly plastic shower cap with a gaudy floral design on his head. LANA Yeah, well you came to the right place. She walks to the living room. Frank follows, still wearing the shower cap. Lana snaps her fingers. LANA Sit down. He sits in a chair, looking around. FRANK Where is he? LANA On duty all night. By the time he wraps up his reports, it'll be close to noon tomorrow. She sits on the couch, picks up a stack of papers. LANA I was just reading over... She looks up at Frank. Sees the shower cap. LANA Take off the hat, Frank. He slips the shower cap off as Lana continues. LANA I was just reading over my husband's insurance policies. You wouldn't know anything about insurance, would you, Frankie? FRANK Yeah, matter of fact, I sell policies part-time. I got half a brain... or didn't you notice? LANA I musta had my eye on something else. (hands him papers) How about a translation. He flips through, scanning the pages, shrugging. FRANK Standard accident policy... all the usual stuff... blah, blah, blah. The face value is... Wow. Not bad. Three million bucks! (flips page) And there's a triple indemnity rider. LANA Meaning? FRANK Aw, it's just something agents throw in so we can boost the premium. If the policy holder dies under very specific conditions, it pays off three times the face value of the policy. LANA Nine million dollars...? FRANK Yeah... but it's a sure bet for the company. Nobody ever collects. LANA Why not? FRANK Well, like here... it only pays off if he's shot with a pistol, falls from a moving northbound train and drowns in a fresh water stream. LANA All three? FRANK See what I mean, sweetheart? What are the odds of that? LANA It could happen. (dramatic beat) Suppose it did happen? FRANK Then you'd be rich. LANA Then we'd be rich. FRANK What're you sayin'...? She drops to her knees in front of him, her face close to his, speaking with a persuasive urgency. LANA We're gonna kill the son-of-a-bitch! And I know exactly how! He has a legal symposium in Santa Barbara this weekend... All we have to do is get him to take the train up instead of driving. FRANK How we gonna do that? Didn't you tell me he hates trains? LANA That's where you come in, baby. You're gonna rig his car so it doesn't work. That should be no problem for you. She gets up, walks to the adjoining room... snapping her fingers at her side. He follows. She steps to a table, pulls the cover off an elaborate scale- model of Dealey Plaza and a train station, complete with HO- Scale model trains chugging around the tracks. She uses a pointer to trace the route to the depot. LANA Then... we give him a lift to the train station... through Dealey Plaza, past the Book Suppository and around the grassy knoll... FRANK Isn't that out of our way? Ignoring this, she turns the LIGHTS OFF, walks over to a screen and picks up a remote control. She clicks the button. A SLIDE PROJECTOR comes on, throwing an IMAGE on Frank's back. We can read the words: THE PLAN. LANA Move, Frank. He moves over. "THE PLAN" appears on the screen. LANA And pay attention. As she talks, IMAGES appear on the screen, accompanying her rapid spiel. We see: a shot of the depot, a map of the rail route, a gun, a river, a Bingo game, baseball action and a huge dollar sign! LANA Ten minutes out of the station he'll be standing in the vestibule between cars... trying to avoid a panic attack. Fourteen minutes and ten seconds out, the train crosses the Santa Ynez River. So at thirteen minutes and fifty-four seconds, I shoot him, shove him out the door... he hits the river and drowns. Bingo! A triple play. We're rich! The lights click ON. FRANK You been thinking about this a lot, haven't you? LANA No. It just came to me. (closer, seductive) I had this image of a big, powerful, throbbing train... plunging into a long, dark, wet tunnel. They embrace, kissing passionately, dropping out of frame. The model train CHUGS faster, the train whistle SHRIEKING a long "Woooooooo-woooooooooo!"... racing into a model tunnel. INT. POLICE STATION - SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT Ned and Arch drag in a bunch of bad-ass, multi-ethnic GANG MEMBERS they've just busted. Ned angrily shoves one of the toughest gang members against the wall... losing his cool. NED Stand over there and shut up! GANG MEMBER #1 Hey, man, we got rights! Don't you be layin' no deleterious malfeasance on us. Ned goes ballistic and slams him into the wall again! NED Watch your mouth, punk! I don't want to hear language like that! Arch grabs Ned by the shoulder, pulling him back, calming him. ARCH Whoa, hold on, hoss! Take it easy. You seem a little tense tonight. What is it? Ned regains his composure. He's depressed. NED Aw... I don't know. I guess it's Lana. It's just... I know she wants to have a baby so bad... Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. NED ...but I never get to spend any time with her. And when I am home... it's like she's, you know... avoiding sex. Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. GANG MEMBER #1 You should try to be more sensitive, man. More romantic. Bring her flowers. He steps between them, putting his arm around Ned's shoulder. GANG MEMBER #1 Try to understand how she feels. After all... He steps back, begins to SING "Try A Little Tenderness"... GANG MEMBER #1 She may be weary... Women do get weary... Wearing that same old shabby dress... But when she's weary... Try a little ten-der-ness... The other Gang Members join in on the SECOND VERSE with a sweet, mellow street-corner harmony as back-up... and some smooth group choreography. The COPS on duty listen raptly, getting maudlin and dewey- eyed. Tears roll down the cheeks of the BOOKING SERGEANT. The lights dim. A big, gruff COP makes eyes at a HOOKER being booked... and they start to slow dance. Arch watches all this with a sentimental smile, munching on his Nachos. When the song ends, Arch puts a comforting hand, covered with Nacho cheese, on Ned's shoulder. NED That can't be it. I'm the tenderest guy on the force. Nah... I think she's just afraid she won't be able to get pregnant. ARCH What's to be afraid! It's like making breakfast! You bring home the bacon... she's got the eggs. Ya scramble it up. Ba-da-boom ba-da-bing! She's got an omelette in the oven! (a beat, then) Why don't you knock off early... go home. It'd be nice for Lana to wake up in the morning and find you there for a change. NED Naw... I can't. I got all this paperwork. ARCH Don't worry about that. GANG MEMBER #1 We'll do our own paperwork, man! OTHER GANG MEMBERS Yeah! We'll fill out all that shit. Ned nods, smiles and gratefully "high-fives" the Gang Members as he heads for the door. INT. THE HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT The house is dark. A key turns in the lock and Ned enters. IN THE BEDROOM It's dark. Ned quietly undresses and slips into bed. INT. BEDROOM - CLOSE ON LANA - DAWN Sunlight creeps through the windows. Lana's eyes flutter open. She sees Ned beside her... sleeping. Suddenly, it hits her. She turns! Frank is on the other side, curled up, snoring. She's laying between both men! Lana elbows Frank. He stirs, groggy. She covers his mouth... indicating Ned. Frank's eyes bug out! He slips out of bed. The bed frame SQUEAKS LOUDLY! Frank freezes. Ned sleeps on steadily. Frank grabs his clothes. An unending torrent of coins fall out of his pants pockets, CLANGING on the floor! He freezes. Ned sleeps on. Frank retrieves the coins, clumsily stepping on the TV REMOTE CONTROL. A high-tech, sleekly designed TELEVISION MONITOR rises up... clicks ON. Frank tries frantically to push the set down, but it keeps rising into position. An IMAGE appears. It's WILLARD SCOTT, doing the weather on the TODAY SHOW. Frank grabs the remote control, frantically pounding on all the buttons. The VOLUME goes up... SOUND BLASTING! WILLARD SCOTT (on television) ...and Mrs. Prudy Ann Camomile of Delphi, Georgia is one-hundred and thirteen! What a gorgeous hunk of female! Smokes three cigars a day, drinks a straight shot of vodka at bedtime... and still has sex! The alarm clock goes off, CLANGING LOUDLY! Lana dives for it, slamming her hand down, killing the alarm. Going for a double-play, she flings the clock at the TV, nailing the on/off switch! Silence. Ned is still out cold. Frank moves toward the door... but with each step the floor CREAKS LOUDLY! He turns the knob. It CLUNKS! He pulls the door open v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y and it CRE-E-E-E-A-K-S like the piercing metal brakes of a train! He blows Lana a kiss, then pulls the door closed very gently. It sticks. He pulls harder. The knob pops off in his hand and he falls backward, tumbling down the stairs with a HUGE RACKET! Ned doesn't stir. Finally it's SILENT. Lana exhales. A SMALL BIRD lands on the sill of the open window, trilling a sweet little "CHIRP." Ned sits bolt upright, irritated. NED Damn birds! He grabs his shoe, heaving it toward the open window. EXT. NED'S HOUSE - MORNING Frank glances back up at the bedroom window with an arrogant smirk. WHAP! Ned's shoe hits him right in the face! EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY Ned comes down the courthouse steps. He pauses in the street, glimpsing the back of a WOMAN passing nearby... a STUNNING BLOND decked out in a clinging dress and fashionable hat... a long strip of toilet paper trailing from her high heel shoe. It must be LOLA. He turns to watch her. A HORN BLARES! BRAKES SCREECH! The SOUND OVERLAPS to... INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - DAY The door opens. Ned enters, looking terrible. Suit ripped, hair messed up, bruised and battered, briefcase crushed. LAURA My God, Ned... you look like you were hit by a bus. NED I was. (notices) Who's in my office? LAURA Max Shady's mother. NED Not again. INSIDE THE OFFICE MRS. SHADY, an older woman with a pleasant appearance, sits in an overstuffed leather chair. Ned and Laura enter. NED Hello, Mrs. Shady. Ned goes straight to his office closet, pulls out an identical blue suit... and starts stripping off his tattered clothes. NED Laura... check on my insurance. Make sure it's paid up. Laura reluctantly returns to the outer office. MRS. SHADY Good idea, Mr. Ravine. My son, Max, is getting out of prison tomorrow. NED (checks his watch) Gee, has it been seven years already? MRS. SHADY Seven long, miserable years in the slammer. And he's a bit pissed off. NED Well, being locked in a tiny room with no TV can make a guy feel pretty tense. MRS. SHADY I'm very concerned about him, Mr. Ravine. He said you were a two-bit shyster... and he's going to rip your head off and use it for a bowling ball! He goes to her, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder, looking her right in the eye, attempting to provide solace. NED I'm sure the experience wasn't all negative. He probably made a lot of friends... MRS. SHADY (ever hopeful) You think? NED ...learned a useful trade... MRS. SHADY Oh yes... live autopsies... NED ...caught up on all those books he wanted to read... She struggles to her feet feebly... MRS. SHADY Maybe so... but he said he's going to punch you in the testicles... She hauls off and PUNCHES him like a pile driver! WHAM! He doubles over, gasping. MRS. SHADY ...smash your face... She KNEES him in the face, raising him up... then nails him with a devastating RIGHT CROSS, spinning him around. He collapses over the desk. MRS. SHADY ...and decimate your wardrobe. She grabs the tail of his suit jacket and rips it up the back! MRS. SHADY And I wouldn't want that to happen. (spanks his butt) He's a naughty naughty boy. I just thought I should warn you. She turns and shuffles out, passing through the outer office. MRS. SHADY (to Laura) Bye for now. (pauses by desk) Oh... may I have a cookie? LAURA (at file cabinet) Sure. She grabs a handful of cookies and casually flings them at Laura... as she heads out the door. MRS. SHADY Thank yooooooooou. Laura rushes into Ned's office with the file folder. He staggers unsteadily by the desk. LAURA Oh my God, Ned. NED I hate when she comes to see me. LAURA Don't you realize, Ned?... you could be in real danger. NED (sees file) What's that? LAURA Extreme peril. You know, the risk of personal bodily harm. NED (points at file) No... I mean that. LAURA Your insurance file. But the policy's missing. Did you take it home? NED I don't think so. Laura looks puzzled... wondering where it might be. Then... LAURA Oh, wait a second... She goes to her desk in the outer office, digs through a drawer. Suddenly, she GASPS! She is holding... A FRAMED PHOTOGRAPH of her abusive HUSBAND... sneering. A circle has been drawn around his head with lipstick and a diagonal line slashed across his face. MATCH DISSOLVE TO: FLASHBACK HER HUSBAND'S FACE peers out through a sailboat porthole at stormy seas. A piece of masking tape stuck to the glass matches the diagonal line. INT. CABIN OF SAILBOAT - NIGHT Laura's Husband turns from the porthole. Laura cowers. The boat pitches and heaves, disturbing all the neatly hung towels, emblazoned with MINE - MINE - MINE across the bottom edge. Laura's Husband reacts with a crazed look in his eyes. Laura makes a break for it, running up on deck. EXT. SAILBOAT IN STORM - NIGHT Laura's Husband scrambles up onto the deck, looking fore and aft. Laura's vanished! He looks out to sea, calling... LAURA'S HUSBAND Lau-raaaaa! EXT. BEACH - NIGHT Laura paddles ashore, grasping a little kid's inflatable float ring. She struggles onto the sand and looks out to sea, triumphant... tossing the plastic float aside. MONTAGE - ULTRA CONTEMPO BEACH HOUSE - NIGHT -- Laura rushes in, tracking water all through the house. -- Laura cuts an inch of hair from her amazingly long, very wet tresses, then puts on a WIG... that is also LONG and WET! -- Laura retrieves a bra and a package of Twinkies from a secret hiding place... and stuffs them into a small brown paper bag. -- Laura hurriedly mops up her water tracks, then... -- She uses an industrial buffer to wax the hardwood floor. -- Laura removes her wedding ring... throws it in the toilet. She reaches for the handle to flush it... hesitates, seeing the "CONSERVE WATER - THIS MEANS YOU!" sticker on the toilet. She reaches into the bowl and retrieves the ring. -- On the deck, Laura throws the wedding ring toward the ocean. A SEAGULL swoops down, snatching it in mid-air and flies off. OMIT Sequence omitted from original script. -- In the bathroom... the Seagull flies in through the open window, lands on the back of the toilet and drops the ring... into the toilet bowl! EXT. THE BEACH - NEXT MORNING Laura's Husband reaches into the surf and picks up the deflated float ring. He looks at it with a cruel sneer. INT. BEACH HOUSE - BATHROOM Laura's Husband fishes Laura's wedding ring out of the toilet bowl... looking off with demonic rage! END FLASHBACK MONTAGE THE CAMERA PULLS BACK from Laura's SCREAMING mouth! Her eyes are filled with pure terror! A GIGANTIC wave of WATER splashes in her face! We see Ned... holding a tiny empty paper cup in his hand. Laura is completely drenched! NED Laura! Are you alright? That was a very long flashback you had. She snaps out of it, sputtering. LAURA Yes... I know. It's okay. I'm just a little... pre-menstrual. She goes to her desk, still upset. She picks up the message spike and turns to Ned. LAURA That Lola Cain... "person"... stopped by. She left this! She thrusts it toward Ned's face! There's a business card stuck on the end. He pulls it off. ANGLE - CLOSE ON BUSINESS CARD It reads: LE HOT CLUB! No Air Conditioning... And Proud Of It! Scribbled next to it is the message... "Meet me at 7:30". The edges of the card are scorched. INT. LE HOT CLUB - NIGHT It's dark, seductive, smoky, crowded... and HOT. Everybody is dripping with sweat and holding unlit cigarettes. Ned enters, sees Lola sitting on a stool at the bar, one leg crossed provocatively over the other. A beer can is stuck to the gum on the bottom of her shoe. It falls off with a CLUNK. He sits on the stool next to her. She looks at him, smiles. NED Oh yeah, before I forget... you asked me to take care of this. He reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a LIT CIGARETTE. It has a very long ash. LOLA Thanks... She takes it... inhales a drag, then lets the smoke flow out through her smile. It flows out for a loooooooooong time! More smoke than she could ever have inhaled. Then... NED You smoke too much. (looks around, then) It's hot tonight. LOLA Is it? I never know. My body heat runs about twenty degrees above normal. He notices the drink in her hand is BOILING. A saxophone begins to softly wail Lola's Theme. Ned looks over to see a QUARTET, featuring Dizzy on sax. The GUITARIST spontaneously bursts into FLAME! A FIREMAN, in full gear, jumps up from the bar and puts out the blaze with a fire extinguisher. None of the band members miss a beat. NED Maybe we should look for a cooler place. LOLA I doubt we'll find one. Even the wind chimes on my porch aren't moving much these days. They keep thudding softly, like dairy cows bumping butts in the night. I go out there expecting to find a cool breeze... but it's just a lot of hot air. Ned glances at the MALE CUSTOMERS... sitting at the bar across from them. They're staring coldly at Ned. NED What're they lookin' at? LOLA A lot of them have tried that seat. You're the first one's lasted this long. NED I feel honored. LOLA Don't. It's broken. A beat of realization, then the stool collapses with a CRASH! Ned pulls himself back up and drags another stool over. NED Did you bring the... papers? LOLA No. I thought you might come over... NED Sure. I'll drive you. LOLA I brought my own car. NED I'll follow you then. LOLA I know it sounds silly, but would you leave first... wait in your car? I come here a lot and I wouldn't want those men to think I'm "easy"... a slut who'll jump into bed with anyone at the drop of a hat. But if you leave first... NED ...they'll think I'm a putz for passing up a sure thing. Lola stares at Ned for a long moment... then SLAPS his face. He doesn't move, remaining staunchly macho. Then, suddenly, she SLUGS HIM so hard it knocks him over the top of the bar! LOLA (for all to hear) Now leave me alone! She pauses to give him a flicker of a COY SMILE... then picks up her drink and moves to a nearby table. Ned struggles to his feet and staggers to the door. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Ned is a mess! Blood trickles from the side of his mouth. Shirt soaked in sweat. He turns the radio ON. LOLA'S THEME starts playing. A small ceiling fan hangs from the interior roof of his car, turning slowly. The venetian blinds on his side windows are partially open, letting in slashes of dramatic light. ANGLE - HIS POV OF ROAD He's following Lola's car. It signals and turns left. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Still hot, Ned pulls the chain on the ceiling fan. It spins faster. MUCH faster! The car becomes like a wind tunnel! EXT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT The two cars enter a long drive, coming to a stop near a large two story house surrounded by lush greenery. Ned climbs out... his wind-blown hair flattened on one side and sticking out crazily. ANGLE - LOLA'S CAR DOOR - NED'S POV It opens. Lola's legs swing out. The CAMERA PANS DOWN her long legs to her feet. The car floormat is stuck to one shoe. She casually shakes it off... going to the front door. INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT They enter. It's DARK. Ned squints into the shadows. NED Well, here we are... in the dark. LOLA I have The Clapper. NED You what? Lola CLAPS her hands twice and all the LIGHTS COME ON. She smiles at him... drops her car keys on the hall table, then goes up the stairs. Ned drops his car keys on the table too and follows her. EXT. PORCH OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola clicks on a porch light. She and Ned step out. Dozens of small boxes hang around the perimeter of the porch. LOLA My wind chimes. Ned steps over, running his hands along the boxes. They "thud" against each other. NED You know, these would work a lot better if you took them out of the boxes. He slips several boxes off, releasing clusters of the metal chimes. They "tinkle" and "clang" melodically in the breeze. LOLA Well well... I guess you have been around. I'm impressed. She moves close, coming on to him. Ned feels uneasy. NED Why don't we take a look at those... papers? LOLA (remembering) Papers. Right. INT. DRESSING AREA OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola comes in, looks around, then down. She removes her shoe, pulling off two scraps of paper stuck to the gum on her heel. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Ned is looking through a book... "KAMIKAZE KAMA SUTRA - The Encyclopedia of Deadly Sexual Positions." Lola comes back in, hands Ned the two scraps of paper. NED That's it? These are the... papers? LOLA Yes. They're so confusing to me. Can you tell me what they are? He checks them out... shrugs. It's obvious. NED This one's a laundry receipt... and the other one's an expired lottery ticket. He hands them back to her, but she gently pushes them away. LOLA No. You keep them... as a memento of our time together. She slips them into his jacket pocket... then sensuously slides her hands around him, grabbing his buns, pulling him closer. LOLA I'm so grateful. How can I ever repay you for all you've done? NED Cash would be nice. LOLA Isn't there some other way? NED I suppose you could wash my car. LOLA No, I mean, isn't there something else you want? Something I could give you? She seductively starts to slide the jacket off his shoulders. NED Hey... slow down... there's a speed limit in this state. Sixty-five miles an hour. LOLA How fast was I going, officer? NED Oh, about a hundred and twenty-three. LOLA Suppose you pull me over and frisk me? NED Suppose I let you off with a warning? LOLA Suppose I find a cop with a bigger nightstick? NED Suppose I put you under arrest for being a bad girl with bad thoughts? LOLA Suppose you handcuff me to the bed? NED (rapid run-on) Suppose I do and then we lose the key and while I'm gone to get a duplicate made the house catches on fire and I can't get back to save you because the bridge is washed out and so you die a horrible death toasted like a Polish sausage on a flaming spit! (shakes his head) Nah... I better be going. He turns and leaves. She is stunned, confused, breathless. EXT. FRONT DOOR - NIGHT Ned opens the door, pauses, turns... as Lola joins him there. She looks into his eyes with desire. LOLA You're not so tough. Last chance. She moves her lips close to his, about to kiss him. Then... NED No thanks. I got a cold shower and a wife who trusts me waiting at home. LOLA What's the matter? Don't you want me? It's the way I look, isn't it? He steps out, pauses... turns to her. NED Don't forget to lock up. Ned pulls the door shut. The lock CLICKS. He pauses by his car, realizing | sleeps | How many times the word 'sleeps' appears in the text? | 2 |
woman can do... with a bobbie pin. Ned looks at the door. The frame and lock have been brutally chewed away, as if someone used a jackhammer on them! She pulls out a pack of cigarettes... BLACK LUNG LITES. LOLA (offering) Cigarette? NED No... thanks. They're bad for ya. He goes to the water cooler. She lights up, exhaling a soft cloud of smoke through a sleepy smile, her voice purring. LOLA Yes, I know. I like things that are bad for me. (touching lawbooks) So... I hear you go both ways. Ned hesitates... about to drink from the paper cup. NED Only once. It was a fraternity prank. I never saw him again. He gulps the water down, crumbles the cup in his hand. LOLA No, I mean... you're a cop and a lawyer. NED Oh. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of scum out there on the streets... but they all deserve a fair and costly trial. Ned turns, tries to casually "dunk" the crumpled cup in the waste basket. He misses. Laura enters with a huge pile of lawbooks in her arms. She sees Ned miss the basket and darts over as he bends down to pick it up. LAURA I'll get that. She picks it up and tosses it into the waste basket. NED Oh... Laura... this is, uh... LOLA Lola Cain. Laura sets the heavy load of books on the desk and steps toward Lola, extending her hand. Lola takes her time removing the long white glove... finally reaching out and shaking Laura's hand with a condescending air. LOLA (sarcastic) So lovely to meet you, Laura. Ned grabs the books and turns to the bookshelf, replacing each lawbook in its proper slot. The "handshake" between Lola and Laura turns tense, then aggressive, eventually becoming a "standing Indian wrestle" as they try to force each other off balance with sheer force. Ned is oblivious to the battle behind him, chattering away. NED Gotta keep these darn books in their right place or we'll never find the ones we need. Let's see, Q thru M... R thru B... W thru F... Laura suddenly whirls Lola around, putting her in an arm lock. But Lola elbows Laura in the stomach! Laura doubles over. Lola feigns sympathy, taking her hand... then spins, twisting Laura's arm, flipping her head over heels! Laura lands on the couch... upside down... gasping. Lola strikes a haughty pose, still holding her lit cigarette. She takes a drag. Laura checks her watch, then tumbles off the couch, landing on her feet. She straightens her skirt. LAURA It's getting late. I'll give you a ride home, Ned. Finished with the books, Ned turns... smiles. NED I have my car. LAURA I'll tow you. NED Not today. You don't need to wait. I'll see you tomorrow. Lola looks at Laura... icy, haughty, triumphant. Laura moves reluctantly toward the door, sees the lock and door frame chewed to pieces... whirls around, heads back toward Ned. LAURA I should call someone to fix this... NED Tomorrow... She instantly spins around, heads back toward the door... LAURA I'll call from home. ...and exits. Ned sits down on the corner of the desk. Lola sits in the chair across from him. LOLA I think I should warn you, Mr. Ravine... I'm not wearing any underwear. She crosses her legs suggestively... then slowly, enticingly, re-crosses them in the other direction. Unimpressed, Ned opens Laura's desk drawer... pulls a pair of sexy lace panties from a Kleenex-style dispenser box labeled "PANDORA'S POP-UP PANTIES"... which pulls another pair up into position. He tosses the panties to Lola. NED Try these on. She does... very, very slowly and seductively... as they talk. NED So... what can I do for you? LOLA I've run across some... papers... and I thought you might be able to tell me what they are. You see, I'm not very experienced when it comes to... papers. NED I'll help you Miss Cain, if I'm able. Do you have the... papers... here? LOLA No... they're at home. I thought you might stop by... NED I'm on duty tonight. LOLA Don't they ever give you a night off? NED Yeah. Tomorrow. LOLA (picks up cigarette) Why don't we meet tomorrow evening then? She finishes pulling the panties on with a sultry smile... "snapping" the elastic waistband. She goes to the door, pauses... turns to him. LOLA I'll let you know where. NED (steps over to her) What's wrong with my office? She looks around, exhaling another cloud of smoke. LOLA Nothing a good interior decorator couldn't fix. She opens the door. Behind her, in the hall, we see Dizzy, the saxophone player, wailing away on "Lola's Theme." CLOSE ON LOLA She takes a final, long drag on her cigarette, then reaches O.S. with it... toward Ned. LOLA Take care of this for me, will ya? With a sultry smile, she turns and leaves, closing the door. ANGLE ON NED The cigarette is stuck in his nose. INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT The front door swings open. Frank is standing there, dressed in a cheap, loose-fitting suit and a T-shirt. FRANK I came back for my shower cap. Lana, now wearing the diaphanous gown, pulls him inside. She kisses him hungrily, slipping a frilly plastic shower cap with a gaudy floral design on his head. LANA Yeah, well you came to the right place. She walks to the living room. Frank follows, still wearing the shower cap. Lana snaps her fingers. LANA Sit down. He sits in a chair, looking around. FRANK Where is he? LANA On duty all night. By the time he wraps up his reports, it'll be close to noon tomorrow. She sits on the couch, picks up a stack of papers. LANA I was just reading over... She looks up at Frank. Sees the shower cap. LANA Take off the hat, Frank. He slips the shower cap off as Lana continues. LANA I was just reading over my husband's insurance policies. You wouldn't know anything about insurance, would you, Frankie? FRANK Yeah, matter of fact, I sell policies part-time. I got half a brain... or didn't you notice? LANA I musta had my eye on something else. (hands him papers) How about a translation. He flips through, scanning the pages, shrugging. FRANK Standard accident policy... all the usual stuff... blah, blah, blah. The face value is... Wow. Not bad. Three million bucks! (flips page) And there's a triple indemnity rider. LANA Meaning? FRANK Aw, it's just something agents throw in so we can boost the premium. If the policy holder dies under very specific conditions, it pays off three times the face value of the policy. LANA Nine million dollars...? FRANK Yeah... but it's a sure bet for the company. Nobody ever collects. LANA Why not? FRANK Well, like here... it only pays off if he's shot with a pistol, falls from a moving northbound train and drowns in a fresh water stream. LANA All three? FRANK See what I mean, sweetheart? What are the odds of that? LANA It could happen. (dramatic beat) Suppose it did happen? FRANK Then you'd be rich. LANA Then we'd be rich. FRANK What're you sayin'...? She drops to her knees in front of him, her face close to his, speaking with a persuasive urgency. LANA We're gonna kill the son-of-a-bitch! And I know exactly how! He has a legal symposium in Santa Barbara this weekend... All we have to do is get him to take the train up instead of driving. FRANK How we gonna do that? Didn't you tell me he hates trains? LANA That's where you come in, baby. You're gonna rig his car so it doesn't work. That should be no problem for you. She gets up, walks to the adjoining room... snapping her fingers at her side. He follows. She steps to a table, pulls the cover off an elaborate scale- model of Dealey Plaza and a train station, complete with HO- Scale model trains chugging around the tracks. She uses a pointer to trace the route to the depot. LANA Then... we give him a lift to the train station... through Dealey Plaza, past the Book Suppository and around the grassy knoll... FRANK Isn't that out of our way? Ignoring this, she turns the LIGHTS OFF, walks over to a screen and picks up a remote control. She clicks the button. A SLIDE PROJECTOR comes on, throwing an IMAGE on Frank's back. We can read the words: THE PLAN. LANA Move, Frank. He moves over. "THE PLAN" appears on the screen. LANA And pay attention. As she talks, IMAGES appear on the screen, accompanying her rapid spiel. We see: a shot of the depot, a map of the rail route, a gun, a river, a Bingo game, baseball action and a huge dollar sign! LANA Ten minutes out of the station he'll be standing in the vestibule between cars... trying to avoid a panic attack. Fourteen minutes and ten seconds out, the train crosses the Santa Ynez River. So at thirteen minutes and fifty-four seconds, I shoot him, shove him out the door... he hits the river and drowns. Bingo! A triple play. We're rich! The lights click ON. FRANK You been thinking about this a lot, haven't you? LANA No. It just came to me. (closer, seductive) I had this image of a big, powerful, throbbing train... plunging into a long, dark, wet tunnel. They embrace, kissing passionately, dropping out of frame. The model train CHUGS faster, the train whistle SHRIEKING a long "Woooooooo-woooooooooo!"... racing into a model tunnel. INT. POLICE STATION - SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT Ned and Arch drag in a bunch of bad-ass, multi-ethnic GANG MEMBERS they've just busted. Ned angrily shoves one of the toughest gang members against the wall... losing his cool. NED Stand over there and shut up! GANG MEMBER #1 Hey, man, we got rights! Don't you be layin' no deleterious malfeasance on us. Ned goes ballistic and slams him into the wall again! NED Watch your mouth, punk! I don't want to hear language like that! Arch grabs Ned by the shoulder, pulling him back, calming him. ARCH Whoa, hold on, hoss! Take it easy. You seem a little tense tonight. What is it? Ned regains his composure. He's depressed. NED Aw... I don't know. I guess it's Lana. It's just... I know she wants to have a baby so bad... Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. NED ...but I never get to spend any time with her. And when I am home... it's like she's, you know... avoiding sex. Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. GANG MEMBER #1 You should try to be more sensitive, man. More romantic. Bring her flowers. He steps between them, putting his arm around Ned's shoulder. GANG MEMBER #1 Try to understand how she feels. After all... He steps back, begins to SING "Try A Little Tenderness"... GANG MEMBER #1 She may be weary... Women do get weary... Wearing that same old shabby dress... But when she's weary... Try a little ten-der-ness... The other Gang Members join in on the SECOND VERSE with a sweet, mellow street-corner harmony as back-up... and some smooth group choreography. The COPS on duty listen raptly, getting maudlin and dewey- eyed. Tears roll down the cheeks of the BOOKING SERGEANT. The lights dim. A big, gruff COP makes eyes at a HOOKER being booked... and they start to slow dance. Arch watches all this with a sentimental smile, munching on his Nachos. When the song ends, Arch puts a comforting hand, covered with Nacho cheese, on Ned's shoulder. NED That can't be it. I'm the tenderest guy on the force. Nah... I think she's just afraid she won't be able to get pregnant. ARCH What's to be afraid! It's like making breakfast! You bring home the bacon... she's got the eggs. Ya scramble it up. Ba-da-boom ba-da-bing! She's got an omelette in the oven! (a beat, then) Why don't you knock off early... go home. It'd be nice for Lana to wake up in the morning and find you there for a change. NED Naw... I can't. I got all this paperwork. ARCH Don't worry about that. GANG MEMBER #1 We'll do our own paperwork, man! OTHER GANG MEMBERS Yeah! We'll fill out all that shit. Ned nods, smiles and gratefully "high-fives" the Gang Members as he heads for the door. INT. THE HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT The house is dark. A key turns in the lock and Ned enters. IN THE BEDROOM It's dark. Ned quietly undresses and slips into bed. INT. BEDROOM - CLOSE ON LANA - DAWN Sunlight creeps through the windows. Lana's eyes flutter open. She sees Ned beside her... sleeping. Suddenly, it hits her. She turns! Frank is on the other side, curled up, snoring. She's laying between both men! Lana elbows Frank. He stirs, groggy. She covers his mouth... indicating Ned. Frank's eyes bug out! He slips out of bed. The bed frame SQUEAKS LOUDLY! Frank freezes. Ned sleeps on steadily. Frank grabs his clothes. An unending torrent of coins fall out of his pants pockets, CLANGING on the floor! He freezes. Ned sleeps on. Frank retrieves the coins, clumsily stepping on the TV REMOTE CONTROL. A high-tech, sleekly designed TELEVISION MONITOR rises up... clicks ON. Frank tries frantically to push the set down, but it keeps rising into position. An IMAGE appears. It's WILLARD SCOTT, doing the weather on the TODAY SHOW. Frank grabs the remote control, frantically pounding on all the buttons. The VOLUME goes up... SOUND BLASTING! WILLARD SCOTT (on television) ...and Mrs. Prudy Ann Camomile of Delphi, Georgia is one-hundred and thirteen! What a gorgeous hunk of female! Smokes three cigars a day, drinks a straight shot of vodka at bedtime... and still has sex! The alarm clock goes off, CLANGING LOUDLY! Lana dives for it, slamming her hand down, killing the alarm. Going for a double-play, she flings the clock at the TV, nailing the on/off switch! Silence. Ned is still out cold. Frank moves toward the door... but with each step the floor CREAKS LOUDLY! He turns the knob. It CLUNKS! He pulls the door open v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y and it CRE-E-E-E-A-K-S like the piercing metal brakes of a train! He blows Lana a kiss, then pulls the door closed very gently. It sticks. He pulls harder. The knob pops off in his hand and he falls backward, tumbling down the stairs with a HUGE RACKET! Ned doesn't stir. Finally it's SILENT. Lana exhales. A SMALL BIRD lands on the sill of the open window, trilling a sweet little "CHIRP." Ned sits bolt upright, irritated. NED Damn birds! He grabs his shoe, heaving it toward the open window. EXT. NED'S HOUSE - MORNING Frank glances back up at the bedroom window with an arrogant smirk. WHAP! Ned's shoe hits him right in the face! EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY Ned comes down the courthouse steps. He pauses in the street, glimpsing the back of a WOMAN passing nearby... a STUNNING BLOND decked out in a clinging dress and fashionable hat... a long strip of toilet paper trailing from her high heel shoe. It must be LOLA. He turns to watch her. A HORN BLARES! BRAKES SCREECH! The SOUND OVERLAPS to... INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - DAY The door opens. Ned enters, looking terrible. Suit ripped, hair messed up, bruised and battered, briefcase crushed. LAURA My God, Ned... you look like you were hit by a bus. NED I was. (notices) Who's in my office? LAURA Max Shady's mother. NED Not again. INSIDE THE OFFICE MRS. SHADY, an older woman with a pleasant appearance, sits in an overstuffed leather chair. Ned and Laura enter. NED Hello, Mrs. Shady. Ned goes straight to his office closet, pulls out an identical blue suit... and starts stripping off his tattered clothes. NED Laura... check on my insurance. Make sure it's paid up. Laura reluctantly returns to the outer office. MRS. SHADY Good idea, Mr. Ravine. My son, Max, is getting out of prison tomorrow. NED (checks his watch) Gee, has it been seven years already? MRS. SHADY Seven long, miserable years in the slammer. And he's a bit pissed off. NED Well, being locked in a tiny room with no TV can make a guy feel pretty tense. MRS. SHADY I'm very concerned about him, Mr. Ravine. He said you were a two-bit shyster... and he's going to rip your head off and use it for a bowling ball! He goes to her, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder, looking her right in the eye, attempting to provide solace. NED I'm sure the experience wasn't all negative. He probably made a lot of friends... MRS. SHADY (ever hopeful) You think? NED ...learned a useful trade... MRS. SHADY Oh yes... live autopsies... NED ...caught up on all those books he wanted to read... She struggles to her feet feebly... MRS. SHADY Maybe so... but he said he's going to punch you in the testicles... She hauls off and PUNCHES him like a pile driver! WHAM! He doubles over, gasping. MRS. SHADY ...smash your face... She KNEES him in the face, raising him up... then nails him with a devastating RIGHT CROSS, spinning him around. He collapses over the desk. MRS. SHADY ...and decimate your wardrobe. She grabs the tail of his suit jacket and rips it up the back! MRS. SHADY And I wouldn't want that to happen. (spanks his butt) He's a naughty naughty boy. I just thought I should warn you. She turns and shuffles out, passing through the outer office. MRS. SHADY (to Laura) Bye for now. (pauses by desk) Oh... may I have a cookie? LAURA (at file cabinet) Sure. She grabs a handful of cookies and casually flings them at Laura... as she heads out the door. MRS. SHADY Thank yooooooooou. Laura rushes into Ned's office with the file folder. He staggers unsteadily by the desk. LAURA Oh my God, Ned. NED I hate when she comes to see me. LAURA Don't you realize, Ned?... you could be in real danger. NED (sees file) What's that? LAURA Extreme peril. You know, the risk of personal bodily harm. NED (points at file) No... I mean that. LAURA Your insurance file. But the policy's missing. Did you take it home? NED I don't think so. Laura looks puzzled... wondering where it might be. Then... LAURA Oh, wait a second... She goes to her desk in the outer office, digs through a drawer. Suddenly, she GASPS! She is holding... A FRAMED PHOTOGRAPH of her abusive HUSBAND... sneering. A circle has been drawn around his head with lipstick and a diagonal line slashed across his face. MATCH DISSOLVE TO: FLASHBACK HER HUSBAND'S FACE peers out through a sailboat porthole at stormy seas. A piece of masking tape stuck to the glass matches the diagonal line. INT. CABIN OF SAILBOAT - NIGHT Laura's Husband turns from the porthole. Laura cowers. The boat pitches and heaves, disturbing all the neatly hung towels, emblazoned with MINE - MINE - MINE across the bottom edge. Laura's Husband reacts with a crazed look in his eyes. Laura makes a break for it, running up on deck. EXT. SAILBOAT IN STORM - NIGHT Laura's Husband scrambles up onto the deck, looking fore and aft. Laura's vanished! He looks out to sea, calling... LAURA'S HUSBAND Lau-raaaaa! EXT. BEACH - NIGHT Laura paddles ashore, grasping a little kid's inflatable float ring. She struggles onto the sand and looks out to sea, triumphant... tossing the plastic float aside. MONTAGE - ULTRA CONTEMPO BEACH HOUSE - NIGHT -- Laura rushes in, tracking water all through the house. -- Laura cuts an inch of hair from her amazingly long, very wet tresses, then puts on a WIG... that is also LONG and WET! -- Laura retrieves a bra and a package of Twinkies from a secret hiding place... and stuffs them into a small brown paper bag. -- Laura hurriedly mops up her water tracks, then... -- She uses an industrial buffer to wax the hardwood floor. -- Laura removes her wedding ring... throws it in the toilet. She reaches for the handle to flush it... hesitates, seeing the "CONSERVE WATER - THIS MEANS YOU!" sticker on the toilet. She reaches into the bowl and retrieves the ring. -- On the deck, Laura throws the wedding ring toward the ocean. A SEAGULL swoops down, snatching it in mid-air and flies off. OMIT Sequence omitted from original script. -- In the bathroom... the Seagull flies in through the open window, lands on the back of the toilet and drops the ring... into the toilet bowl! EXT. THE BEACH - NEXT MORNING Laura's Husband reaches into the surf and picks up the deflated float ring. He looks at it with a cruel sneer. INT. BEACH HOUSE - BATHROOM Laura's Husband fishes Laura's wedding ring out of the toilet bowl... looking off with demonic rage! END FLASHBACK MONTAGE THE CAMERA PULLS BACK from Laura's SCREAMING mouth! Her eyes are filled with pure terror! A GIGANTIC wave of WATER splashes in her face! We see Ned... holding a tiny empty paper cup in his hand. Laura is completely drenched! NED Laura! Are you alright? That was a very long flashback you had. She snaps out of it, sputtering. LAURA Yes... I know. It's okay. I'm just a little... pre-menstrual. She goes to her desk, still upset. She picks up the message spike and turns to Ned. LAURA That Lola Cain... "person"... stopped by. She left this! She thrusts it toward Ned's face! There's a business card stuck on the end. He pulls it off. ANGLE - CLOSE ON BUSINESS CARD It reads: LE HOT CLUB! No Air Conditioning... And Proud Of It! Scribbled next to it is the message... "Meet me at 7:30". The edges of the card are scorched. INT. LE HOT CLUB - NIGHT It's dark, seductive, smoky, crowded... and HOT. Everybody is dripping with sweat and holding unlit cigarettes. Ned enters, sees Lola sitting on a stool at the bar, one leg crossed provocatively over the other. A beer can is stuck to the gum on the bottom of her shoe. It falls off with a CLUNK. He sits on the stool next to her. She looks at him, smiles. NED Oh yeah, before I forget... you asked me to take care of this. He reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a LIT CIGARETTE. It has a very long ash. LOLA Thanks... She takes it... inhales a drag, then lets the smoke flow out through her smile. It flows out for a loooooooooong time! More smoke than she could ever have inhaled. Then... NED You smoke too much. (looks around, then) It's hot tonight. LOLA Is it? I never know. My body heat runs about twenty degrees above normal. He notices the drink in her hand is BOILING. A saxophone begins to softly wail Lola's Theme. Ned looks over to see a QUARTET, featuring Dizzy on sax. The GUITARIST spontaneously bursts into FLAME! A FIREMAN, in full gear, jumps up from the bar and puts out the blaze with a fire extinguisher. None of the band members miss a beat. NED Maybe we should look for a cooler place. LOLA I doubt we'll find one. Even the wind chimes on my porch aren't moving much these days. They keep thudding softly, like dairy cows bumping butts in the night. I go out there expecting to find a cool breeze... but it's just a lot of hot air. Ned glances at the MALE CUSTOMERS... sitting at the bar across from them. They're staring coldly at Ned. NED What're they lookin' at? LOLA A lot of them have tried that seat. You're the first one's lasted this long. NED I feel honored. LOLA Don't. It's broken. A beat of realization, then the stool collapses with a CRASH! Ned pulls himself back up and drags another stool over. NED Did you bring the... papers? LOLA No. I thought you might come over... NED Sure. I'll drive you. LOLA I brought my own car. NED I'll follow you then. LOLA I know it sounds silly, but would you leave first... wait in your car? I come here a lot and I wouldn't want those men to think I'm "easy"... a slut who'll jump into bed with anyone at the drop of a hat. But if you leave first... NED ...they'll think I'm a putz for passing up a sure thing. Lola stares at Ned for a long moment... then SLAPS his face. He doesn't move, remaining staunchly macho. Then, suddenly, she SLUGS HIM so hard it knocks him over the top of the bar! LOLA (for all to hear) Now leave me alone! She pauses to give him a flicker of a COY SMILE... then picks up her drink and moves to a nearby table. Ned struggles to his feet and staggers to the door. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Ned is a mess! Blood trickles from the side of his mouth. Shirt soaked in sweat. He turns the radio ON. LOLA'S THEME starts playing. A small ceiling fan hangs from the interior roof of his car, turning slowly. The venetian blinds on his side windows are partially open, letting in slashes of dramatic light. ANGLE - HIS POV OF ROAD He's following Lola's car. It signals and turns left. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Still hot, Ned pulls the chain on the ceiling fan. It spins faster. MUCH faster! The car becomes like a wind tunnel! EXT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT The two cars enter a long drive, coming to a stop near a large two story house surrounded by lush greenery. Ned climbs out... his wind-blown hair flattened on one side and sticking out crazily. ANGLE - LOLA'S CAR DOOR - NED'S POV It opens. Lola's legs swing out. The CAMERA PANS DOWN her long legs to her feet. The car floormat is stuck to one shoe. She casually shakes it off... going to the front door. INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT They enter. It's DARK. Ned squints into the shadows. NED Well, here we are... in the dark. LOLA I have The Clapper. NED You what? Lola CLAPS her hands twice and all the LIGHTS COME ON. She smiles at him... drops her car keys on the hall table, then goes up the stairs. Ned drops his car keys on the table too and follows her. EXT. PORCH OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola clicks on a porch light. She and Ned step out. Dozens of small boxes hang around the perimeter of the porch. LOLA My wind chimes. Ned steps over, running his hands along the boxes. They "thud" against each other. NED You know, these would work a lot better if you took them out of the boxes. He slips several boxes off, releasing clusters of the metal chimes. They "tinkle" and "clang" melodically in the breeze. LOLA Well well... I guess you have been around. I'm impressed. She moves close, coming on to him. Ned feels uneasy. NED Why don't we take a look at those... papers? LOLA (remembering) Papers. Right. INT. DRESSING AREA OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola comes in, looks around, then down. She removes her shoe, pulling off two scraps of paper stuck to the gum on her heel. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Ned is looking through a book... "KAMIKAZE KAMA SUTRA - The Encyclopedia of Deadly Sexual Positions." Lola comes back in, hands Ned the two scraps of paper. NED That's it? These are the... papers? LOLA Yes. They're so confusing to me. Can you tell me what they are? He checks them out... shrugs. It's obvious. NED This one's a laundry receipt... and the other one's an expired lottery ticket. He hands them back to her, but she gently pushes them away. LOLA No. You keep them... as a memento of our time together. She slips them into his jacket pocket... then sensuously slides her hands around him, grabbing his buns, pulling him closer. LOLA I'm so grateful. How can I ever repay you for all you've done? NED Cash would be nice. LOLA Isn't there some other way? NED I suppose you could wash my car. LOLA No, I mean, isn't there something else you want? Something I could give you? She seductively starts to slide the jacket off his shoulders. NED Hey... slow down... there's a speed limit in this state. Sixty-five miles an hour. LOLA How fast was I going, officer? NED Oh, about a hundred and twenty-three. LOLA Suppose you pull me over and frisk me? NED Suppose I let you off with a warning? LOLA Suppose I find a cop with a bigger nightstick? NED Suppose I put you under arrest for being a bad girl with bad thoughts? LOLA Suppose you handcuff me to the bed? NED (rapid run-on) Suppose I do and then we lose the key and while I'm gone to get a duplicate made the house catches on fire and I can't get back to save you because the bridge is washed out and so you die a horrible death toasted like a Polish sausage on a flaming spit! (shakes his head) Nah... I better be going. He turns and leaves. She is stunned, confused, breathless. EXT. FRONT DOOR - NIGHT Ned opens the door, pauses, turns... as Lola joins him there. She looks into his eyes with desire. LOLA You're not so tough. Last chance. She moves her lips close to his, about to kiss him. Then... NED No thanks. I got a cold shower and a wife who trusts me waiting at home. LOLA What's the matter? Don't you want me? It's the way I look, isn't it? He steps out, pauses... turns to her. NED Don't forget to lock up. Ned pulls the door shut. The lock CLICKS. He pauses by his car, realizing | still | How many times the word 'still' appears in the text? | 2 |
woman can do... with a bobbie pin. Ned looks at the door. The frame and lock have been brutally chewed away, as if someone used a jackhammer on them! She pulls out a pack of cigarettes... BLACK LUNG LITES. LOLA (offering) Cigarette? NED No... thanks. They're bad for ya. He goes to the water cooler. She lights up, exhaling a soft cloud of smoke through a sleepy smile, her voice purring. LOLA Yes, I know. I like things that are bad for me. (touching lawbooks) So... I hear you go both ways. Ned hesitates... about to drink from the paper cup. NED Only once. It was a fraternity prank. I never saw him again. He gulps the water down, crumbles the cup in his hand. LOLA No, I mean... you're a cop and a lawyer. NED Oh. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of scum out there on the streets... but they all deserve a fair and costly trial. Ned turns, tries to casually "dunk" the crumpled cup in the waste basket. He misses. Laura enters with a huge pile of lawbooks in her arms. She sees Ned miss the basket and darts over as he bends down to pick it up. LAURA I'll get that. She picks it up and tosses it into the waste basket. NED Oh... Laura... this is, uh... LOLA Lola Cain. Laura sets the heavy load of books on the desk and steps toward Lola, extending her hand. Lola takes her time removing the long white glove... finally reaching out and shaking Laura's hand with a condescending air. LOLA (sarcastic) So lovely to meet you, Laura. Ned grabs the books and turns to the bookshelf, replacing each lawbook in its proper slot. The "handshake" between Lola and Laura turns tense, then aggressive, eventually becoming a "standing Indian wrestle" as they try to force each other off balance with sheer force. Ned is oblivious to the battle behind him, chattering away. NED Gotta keep these darn books in their right place or we'll never find the ones we need. Let's see, Q thru M... R thru B... W thru F... Laura suddenly whirls Lola around, putting her in an arm lock. But Lola elbows Laura in the stomach! Laura doubles over. Lola feigns sympathy, taking her hand... then spins, twisting Laura's arm, flipping her head over heels! Laura lands on the couch... upside down... gasping. Lola strikes a haughty pose, still holding her lit cigarette. She takes a drag. Laura checks her watch, then tumbles off the couch, landing on her feet. She straightens her skirt. LAURA It's getting late. I'll give you a ride home, Ned. Finished with the books, Ned turns... smiles. NED I have my car. LAURA I'll tow you. NED Not today. You don't need to wait. I'll see you tomorrow. Lola looks at Laura... icy, haughty, triumphant. Laura moves reluctantly toward the door, sees the lock and door frame chewed to pieces... whirls around, heads back toward Ned. LAURA I should call someone to fix this... NED Tomorrow... She instantly spins around, heads back toward the door... LAURA I'll call from home. ...and exits. Ned sits down on the corner of the desk. Lola sits in the chair across from him. LOLA I think I should warn you, Mr. Ravine... I'm not wearing any underwear. She crosses her legs suggestively... then slowly, enticingly, re-crosses them in the other direction. Unimpressed, Ned opens Laura's desk drawer... pulls a pair of sexy lace panties from a Kleenex-style dispenser box labeled "PANDORA'S POP-UP PANTIES"... which pulls another pair up into position. He tosses the panties to Lola. NED Try these on. She does... very, very slowly and seductively... as they talk. NED So... what can I do for you? LOLA I've run across some... papers... and I thought you might be able to tell me what they are. You see, I'm not very experienced when it comes to... papers. NED I'll help you Miss Cain, if I'm able. Do you have the... papers... here? LOLA No... they're at home. I thought you might stop by... NED I'm on duty tonight. LOLA Don't they ever give you a night off? NED Yeah. Tomorrow. LOLA (picks up cigarette) Why don't we meet tomorrow evening then? She finishes pulling the panties on with a sultry smile... "snapping" the elastic waistband. She goes to the door, pauses... turns to him. LOLA I'll let you know where. NED (steps over to her) What's wrong with my office? She looks around, exhaling another cloud of smoke. LOLA Nothing a good interior decorator couldn't fix. She opens the door. Behind her, in the hall, we see Dizzy, the saxophone player, wailing away on "Lola's Theme." CLOSE ON LOLA She takes a final, long drag on her cigarette, then reaches O.S. with it... toward Ned. LOLA Take care of this for me, will ya? With a sultry smile, she turns and leaves, closing the door. ANGLE ON NED The cigarette is stuck in his nose. INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT The front door swings open. Frank is standing there, dressed in a cheap, loose-fitting suit and a T-shirt. FRANK I came back for my shower cap. Lana, now wearing the diaphanous gown, pulls him inside. She kisses him hungrily, slipping a frilly plastic shower cap with a gaudy floral design on his head. LANA Yeah, well you came to the right place. She walks to the living room. Frank follows, still wearing the shower cap. Lana snaps her fingers. LANA Sit down. He sits in a chair, looking around. FRANK Where is he? LANA On duty all night. By the time he wraps up his reports, it'll be close to noon tomorrow. She sits on the couch, picks up a stack of papers. LANA I was just reading over... She looks up at Frank. Sees the shower cap. LANA Take off the hat, Frank. He slips the shower cap off as Lana continues. LANA I was just reading over my husband's insurance policies. You wouldn't know anything about insurance, would you, Frankie? FRANK Yeah, matter of fact, I sell policies part-time. I got half a brain... or didn't you notice? LANA I musta had my eye on something else. (hands him papers) How about a translation. He flips through, scanning the pages, shrugging. FRANK Standard accident policy... all the usual stuff... blah, blah, blah. The face value is... Wow. Not bad. Three million bucks! (flips page) And there's a triple indemnity rider. LANA Meaning? FRANK Aw, it's just something agents throw in so we can boost the premium. If the policy holder dies under very specific conditions, it pays off three times the face value of the policy. LANA Nine million dollars...? FRANK Yeah... but it's a sure bet for the company. Nobody ever collects. LANA Why not? FRANK Well, like here... it only pays off if he's shot with a pistol, falls from a moving northbound train and drowns in a fresh water stream. LANA All three? FRANK See what I mean, sweetheart? What are the odds of that? LANA It could happen. (dramatic beat) Suppose it did happen? FRANK Then you'd be rich. LANA Then we'd be rich. FRANK What're you sayin'...? She drops to her knees in front of him, her face close to his, speaking with a persuasive urgency. LANA We're gonna kill the son-of-a-bitch! And I know exactly how! He has a legal symposium in Santa Barbara this weekend... All we have to do is get him to take the train up instead of driving. FRANK How we gonna do that? Didn't you tell me he hates trains? LANA That's where you come in, baby. You're gonna rig his car so it doesn't work. That should be no problem for you. She gets up, walks to the adjoining room... snapping her fingers at her side. He follows. She steps to a table, pulls the cover off an elaborate scale- model of Dealey Plaza and a train station, complete with HO- Scale model trains chugging around the tracks. She uses a pointer to trace the route to the depot. LANA Then... we give him a lift to the train station... through Dealey Plaza, past the Book Suppository and around the grassy knoll... FRANK Isn't that out of our way? Ignoring this, she turns the LIGHTS OFF, walks over to a screen and picks up a remote control. She clicks the button. A SLIDE PROJECTOR comes on, throwing an IMAGE on Frank's back. We can read the words: THE PLAN. LANA Move, Frank. He moves over. "THE PLAN" appears on the screen. LANA And pay attention. As she talks, IMAGES appear on the screen, accompanying her rapid spiel. We see: a shot of the depot, a map of the rail route, a gun, a river, a Bingo game, baseball action and a huge dollar sign! LANA Ten minutes out of the station he'll be standing in the vestibule between cars... trying to avoid a panic attack. Fourteen minutes and ten seconds out, the train crosses the Santa Ynez River. So at thirteen minutes and fifty-four seconds, I shoot him, shove him out the door... he hits the river and drowns. Bingo! A triple play. We're rich! The lights click ON. FRANK You been thinking about this a lot, haven't you? LANA No. It just came to me. (closer, seductive) I had this image of a big, powerful, throbbing train... plunging into a long, dark, wet tunnel. They embrace, kissing passionately, dropping out of frame. The model train CHUGS faster, the train whistle SHRIEKING a long "Woooooooo-woooooooooo!"... racing into a model tunnel. INT. POLICE STATION - SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT Ned and Arch drag in a bunch of bad-ass, multi-ethnic GANG MEMBERS they've just busted. Ned angrily shoves one of the toughest gang members against the wall... losing his cool. NED Stand over there and shut up! GANG MEMBER #1 Hey, man, we got rights! Don't you be layin' no deleterious malfeasance on us. Ned goes ballistic and slams him into the wall again! NED Watch your mouth, punk! I don't want to hear language like that! Arch grabs Ned by the shoulder, pulling him back, calming him. ARCH Whoa, hold on, hoss! Take it easy. You seem a little tense tonight. What is it? Ned regains his composure. He's depressed. NED Aw... I don't know. I guess it's Lana. It's just... I know she wants to have a baby so bad... Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. NED ...but I never get to spend any time with her. And when I am home... it's like she's, you know... avoiding sex. Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. GANG MEMBER #1 You should try to be more sensitive, man. More romantic. Bring her flowers. He steps between them, putting his arm around Ned's shoulder. GANG MEMBER #1 Try to understand how she feels. After all... He steps back, begins to SING "Try A Little Tenderness"... GANG MEMBER #1 She may be weary... Women do get weary... Wearing that same old shabby dress... But when she's weary... Try a little ten-der-ness... The other Gang Members join in on the SECOND VERSE with a sweet, mellow street-corner harmony as back-up... and some smooth group choreography. The COPS on duty listen raptly, getting maudlin and dewey- eyed. Tears roll down the cheeks of the BOOKING SERGEANT. The lights dim. A big, gruff COP makes eyes at a HOOKER being booked... and they start to slow dance. Arch watches all this with a sentimental smile, munching on his Nachos. When the song ends, Arch puts a comforting hand, covered with Nacho cheese, on Ned's shoulder. NED That can't be it. I'm the tenderest guy on the force. Nah... I think she's just afraid she won't be able to get pregnant. ARCH What's to be afraid! It's like making breakfast! You bring home the bacon... she's got the eggs. Ya scramble it up. Ba-da-boom ba-da-bing! She's got an omelette in the oven! (a beat, then) Why don't you knock off early... go home. It'd be nice for Lana to wake up in the morning and find you there for a change. NED Naw... I can't. I got all this paperwork. ARCH Don't worry about that. GANG MEMBER #1 We'll do our own paperwork, man! OTHER GANG MEMBERS Yeah! We'll fill out all that shit. Ned nods, smiles and gratefully "high-fives" the Gang Members as he heads for the door. INT. THE HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT The house is dark. A key turns in the lock and Ned enters. IN THE BEDROOM It's dark. Ned quietly undresses and slips into bed. INT. BEDROOM - CLOSE ON LANA - DAWN Sunlight creeps through the windows. Lana's eyes flutter open. She sees Ned beside her... sleeping. Suddenly, it hits her. She turns! Frank is on the other side, curled up, snoring. She's laying between both men! Lana elbows Frank. He stirs, groggy. She covers his mouth... indicating Ned. Frank's eyes bug out! He slips out of bed. The bed frame SQUEAKS LOUDLY! Frank freezes. Ned sleeps on steadily. Frank grabs his clothes. An unending torrent of coins fall out of his pants pockets, CLANGING on the floor! He freezes. Ned sleeps on. Frank retrieves the coins, clumsily stepping on the TV REMOTE CONTROL. A high-tech, sleekly designed TELEVISION MONITOR rises up... clicks ON. Frank tries frantically to push the set down, but it keeps rising into position. An IMAGE appears. It's WILLARD SCOTT, doing the weather on the TODAY SHOW. Frank grabs the remote control, frantically pounding on all the buttons. The VOLUME goes up... SOUND BLASTING! WILLARD SCOTT (on television) ...and Mrs. Prudy Ann Camomile of Delphi, Georgia is one-hundred and thirteen! What a gorgeous hunk of female! Smokes three cigars a day, drinks a straight shot of vodka at bedtime... and still has sex! The alarm clock goes off, CLANGING LOUDLY! Lana dives for it, slamming her hand down, killing the alarm. Going for a double-play, she flings the clock at the TV, nailing the on/off switch! Silence. Ned is still out cold. Frank moves toward the door... but with each step the floor CREAKS LOUDLY! He turns the knob. It CLUNKS! He pulls the door open v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y and it CRE-E-E-E-A-K-S like the piercing metal brakes of a train! He blows Lana a kiss, then pulls the door closed very gently. It sticks. He pulls harder. The knob pops off in his hand and he falls backward, tumbling down the stairs with a HUGE RACKET! Ned doesn't stir. Finally it's SILENT. Lana exhales. A SMALL BIRD lands on the sill of the open window, trilling a sweet little "CHIRP." Ned sits bolt upright, irritated. NED Damn birds! He grabs his shoe, heaving it toward the open window. EXT. NED'S HOUSE - MORNING Frank glances back up at the bedroom window with an arrogant smirk. WHAP! Ned's shoe hits him right in the face! EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY Ned comes down the courthouse steps. He pauses in the street, glimpsing the back of a WOMAN passing nearby... a STUNNING BLOND decked out in a clinging dress and fashionable hat... a long strip of toilet paper trailing from her high heel shoe. It must be LOLA. He turns to watch her. A HORN BLARES! BRAKES SCREECH! The SOUND OVERLAPS to... INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - DAY The door opens. Ned enters, looking terrible. Suit ripped, hair messed up, bruised and battered, briefcase crushed. LAURA My God, Ned... you look like you were hit by a bus. NED I was. (notices) Who's in my office? LAURA Max Shady's mother. NED Not again. INSIDE THE OFFICE MRS. SHADY, an older woman with a pleasant appearance, sits in an overstuffed leather chair. Ned and Laura enter. NED Hello, Mrs. Shady. Ned goes straight to his office closet, pulls out an identical blue suit... and starts stripping off his tattered clothes. NED Laura... check on my insurance. Make sure it's paid up. Laura reluctantly returns to the outer office. MRS. SHADY Good idea, Mr. Ravine. My son, Max, is getting out of prison tomorrow. NED (checks his watch) Gee, has it been seven years already? MRS. SHADY Seven long, miserable years in the slammer. And he's a bit pissed off. NED Well, being locked in a tiny room with no TV can make a guy feel pretty tense. MRS. SHADY I'm very concerned about him, Mr. Ravine. He said you were a two-bit shyster... and he's going to rip your head off and use it for a bowling ball! He goes to her, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder, looking her right in the eye, attempting to provide solace. NED I'm sure the experience wasn't all negative. He probably made a lot of friends... MRS. SHADY (ever hopeful) You think? NED ...learned a useful trade... MRS. SHADY Oh yes... live autopsies... NED ...caught up on all those books he wanted to read... She struggles to her feet feebly... MRS. SHADY Maybe so... but he said he's going to punch you in the testicles... She hauls off and PUNCHES him like a pile driver! WHAM! He doubles over, gasping. MRS. SHADY ...smash your face... She KNEES him in the face, raising him up... then nails him with a devastating RIGHT CROSS, spinning him around. He collapses over the desk. MRS. SHADY ...and decimate your wardrobe. She grabs the tail of his suit jacket and rips it up the back! MRS. SHADY And I wouldn't want that to happen. (spanks his butt) He's a naughty naughty boy. I just thought I should warn you. She turns and shuffles out, passing through the outer office. MRS. SHADY (to Laura) Bye for now. (pauses by desk) Oh... may I have a cookie? LAURA (at file cabinet) Sure. She grabs a handful of cookies and casually flings them at Laura... as she heads out the door. MRS. SHADY Thank yooooooooou. Laura rushes into Ned's office with the file folder. He staggers unsteadily by the desk. LAURA Oh my God, Ned. NED I hate when she comes to see me. LAURA Don't you realize, Ned?... you could be in real danger. NED (sees file) What's that? LAURA Extreme peril. You know, the risk of personal bodily harm. NED (points at file) No... I mean that. LAURA Your insurance file. But the policy's missing. Did you take it home? NED I don't think so. Laura looks puzzled... wondering where it might be. Then... LAURA Oh, wait a second... She goes to her desk in the outer office, digs through a drawer. Suddenly, she GASPS! She is holding... A FRAMED PHOTOGRAPH of her abusive HUSBAND... sneering. A circle has been drawn around his head with lipstick and a diagonal line slashed across his face. MATCH DISSOLVE TO: FLASHBACK HER HUSBAND'S FACE peers out through a sailboat porthole at stormy seas. A piece of masking tape stuck to the glass matches the diagonal line. INT. CABIN OF SAILBOAT - NIGHT Laura's Husband turns from the porthole. Laura cowers. The boat pitches and heaves, disturbing all the neatly hung towels, emblazoned with MINE - MINE - MINE across the bottom edge. Laura's Husband reacts with a crazed look in his eyes. Laura makes a break for it, running up on deck. EXT. SAILBOAT IN STORM - NIGHT Laura's Husband scrambles up onto the deck, looking fore and aft. Laura's vanished! He looks out to sea, calling... LAURA'S HUSBAND Lau-raaaaa! EXT. BEACH - NIGHT Laura paddles ashore, grasping a little kid's inflatable float ring. She struggles onto the sand and looks out to sea, triumphant... tossing the plastic float aside. MONTAGE - ULTRA CONTEMPO BEACH HOUSE - NIGHT -- Laura rushes in, tracking water all through the house. -- Laura cuts an inch of hair from her amazingly long, very wet tresses, then puts on a WIG... that is also LONG and WET! -- Laura retrieves a bra and a package of Twinkies from a secret hiding place... and stuffs them into a small brown paper bag. -- Laura hurriedly mops up her water tracks, then... -- She uses an industrial buffer to wax the hardwood floor. -- Laura removes her wedding ring... throws it in the toilet. She reaches for the handle to flush it... hesitates, seeing the "CONSERVE WATER - THIS MEANS YOU!" sticker on the toilet. She reaches into the bowl and retrieves the ring. -- On the deck, Laura throws the wedding ring toward the ocean. A SEAGULL swoops down, snatching it in mid-air and flies off. OMIT Sequence omitted from original script. -- In the bathroom... the Seagull flies in through the open window, lands on the back of the toilet and drops the ring... into the toilet bowl! EXT. THE BEACH - NEXT MORNING Laura's Husband reaches into the surf and picks up the deflated float ring. He looks at it with a cruel sneer. INT. BEACH HOUSE - BATHROOM Laura's Husband fishes Laura's wedding ring out of the toilet bowl... looking off with demonic rage! END FLASHBACK MONTAGE THE CAMERA PULLS BACK from Laura's SCREAMING mouth! Her eyes are filled with pure terror! A GIGANTIC wave of WATER splashes in her face! We see Ned... holding a tiny empty paper cup in his hand. Laura is completely drenched! NED Laura! Are you alright? That was a very long flashback you had. She snaps out of it, sputtering. LAURA Yes... I know. It's okay. I'm just a little... pre-menstrual. She goes to her desk, still upset. She picks up the message spike and turns to Ned. LAURA That Lola Cain... "person"... stopped by. She left this! She thrusts it toward Ned's face! There's a business card stuck on the end. He pulls it off. ANGLE - CLOSE ON BUSINESS CARD It reads: LE HOT CLUB! No Air Conditioning... And Proud Of It! Scribbled next to it is the message... "Meet me at 7:30". The edges of the card are scorched. INT. LE HOT CLUB - NIGHT It's dark, seductive, smoky, crowded... and HOT. Everybody is dripping with sweat and holding unlit cigarettes. Ned enters, sees Lola sitting on a stool at the bar, one leg crossed provocatively over the other. A beer can is stuck to the gum on the bottom of her shoe. It falls off with a CLUNK. He sits on the stool next to her. She looks at him, smiles. NED Oh yeah, before I forget... you asked me to take care of this. He reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a LIT CIGARETTE. It has a very long ash. LOLA Thanks... She takes it... inhales a drag, then lets the smoke flow out through her smile. It flows out for a loooooooooong time! More smoke than she could ever have inhaled. Then... NED You smoke too much. (looks around, then) It's hot tonight. LOLA Is it? I never know. My body heat runs about twenty degrees above normal. He notices the drink in her hand is BOILING. A saxophone begins to softly wail Lola's Theme. Ned looks over to see a QUARTET, featuring Dizzy on sax. The GUITARIST spontaneously bursts into FLAME! A FIREMAN, in full gear, jumps up from the bar and puts out the blaze with a fire extinguisher. None of the band members miss a beat. NED Maybe we should look for a cooler place. LOLA I doubt we'll find one. Even the wind chimes on my porch aren't moving much these days. They keep thudding softly, like dairy cows bumping butts in the night. I go out there expecting to find a cool breeze... but it's just a lot of hot air. Ned glances at the MALE CUSTOMERS... sitting at the bar across from them. They're staring coldly at Ned. NED What're they lookin' at? LOLA A lot of them have tried that seat. You're the first one's lasted this long. NED I feel honored. LOLA Don't. It's broken. A beat of realization, then the stool collapses with a CRASH! Ned pulls himself back up and drags another stool over. NED Did you bring the... papers? LOLA No. I thought you might come over... NED Sure. I'll drive you. LOLA I brought my own car. NED I'll follow you then. LOLA I know it sounds silly, but would you leave first... wait in your car? I come here a lot and I wouldn't want those men to think I'm "easy"... a slut who'll jump into bed with anyone at the drop of a hat. But if you leave first... NED ...they'll think I'm a putz for passing up a sure thing. Lola stares at Ned for a long moment... then SLAPS his face. He doesn't move, remaining staunchly macho. Then, suddenly, she SLUGS HIM so hard it knocks him over the top of the bar! LOLA (for all to hear) Now leave me alone! She pauses to give him a flicker of a COY SMILE... then picks up her drink and moves to a nearby table. Ned struggles to his feet and staggers to the door. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Ned is a mess! Blood trickles from the side of his mouth. Shirt soaked in sweat. He turns the radio ON. LOLA'S THEME starts playing. A small ceiling fan hangs from the interior roof of his car, turning slowly. The venetian blinds on his side windows are partially open, letting in slashes of dramatic light. ANGLE - HIS POV OF ROAD He's following Lola's car. It signals and turns left. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Still hot, Ned pulls the chain on the ceiling fan. It spins faster. MUCH faster! The car becomes like a wind tunnel! EXT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT The two cars enter a long drive, coming to a stop near a large two story house surrounded by lush greenery. Ned climbs out... his wind-blown hair flattened on one side and sticking out crazily. ANGLE - LOLA'S CAR DOOR - NED'S POV It opens. Lola's legs swing out. The CAMERA PANS DOWN her long legs to her feet. The car floormat is stuck to one shoe. She casually shakes it off... going to the front door. INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT They enter. It's DARK. Ned squints into the shadows. NED Well, here we are... in the dark. LOLA I have The Clapper. NED You what? Lola CLAPS her hands twice and all the LIGHTS COME ON. She smiles at him... drops her car keys on the hall table, then goes up the stairs. Ned drops his car keys on the table too and follows her. EXT. PORCH OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola clicks on a porch light. She and Ned step out. Dozens of small boxes hang around the perimeter of the porch. LOLA My wind chimes. Ned steps over, running his hands along the boxes. They "thud" against each other. NED You know, these would work a lot better if you took them out of the boxes. He slips several boxes off, releasing clusters of the metal chimes. They "tinkle" and "clang" melodically in the breeze. LOLA Well well... I guess you have been around. I'm impressed. She moves close, coming on to him. Ned feels uneasy. NED Why don't we take a look at those... papers? LOLA (remembering) Papers. Right. INT. DRESSING AREA OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola comes in, looks around, then down. She removes her shoe, pulling off two scraps of paper stuck to the gum on her heel. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Ned is looking through a book... "KAMIKAZE KAMA SUTRA - The Encyclopedia of Deadly Sexual Positions." Lola comes back in, hands Ned the two scraps of paper. NED That's it? These are the... papers? LOLA Yes. They're so confusing to me. Can you tell me what they are? He checks them out... shrugs. It's obvious. NED This one's a laundry receipt... and the other one's an expired lottery ticket. He hands them back to her, but she gently pushes them away. LOLA No. You keep them... as a memento of our time together. She slips them into his jacket pocket... then sensuously slides her hands around him, grabbing his buns, pulling him closer. LOLA I'm so grateful. How can I ever repay you for all you've done? NED Cash would be nice. LOLA Isn't there some other way? NED I suppose you could wash my car. LOLA No, I mean, isn't there something else you want? Something I could give you? She seductively starts to slide the jacket off his shoulders. NED Hey... slow down... there's a speed limit in this state. Sixty-five miles an hour. LOLA How fast was I going, officer? NED Oh, about a hundred and twenty-three. LOLA Suppose you pull me over and frisk me? NED Suppose I let you off with a warning? LOLA Suppose I find a cop with a bigger nightstick? NED Suppose I put you under arrest for being a bad girl with bad thoughts? LOLA Suppose you handcuff me to the bed? NED (rapid run-on) Suppose I do and then we lose the key and while I'm gone to get a duplicate made the house catches on fire and I can't get back to save you because the bridge is washed out and so you die a horrible death toasted like a Polish sausage on a flaming spit! (shakes his head) Nah... I better be going. He turns and leaves. She is stunned, confused, breathless. EXT. FRONT DOOR - NIGHT Ned opens the door, pauses, turns... as Lola joins him there. She looks into his eyes with desire. LOLA You're not so tough. Last chance. She moves her lips close to his, about to kiss him. Then... NED No thanks. I got a cold shower and a wife who trusts me waiting at home. LOLA What's the matter? Don't you want me? It's the way I look, isn't it? He steps out, pauses... turns to her. NED Don't forget to lock up. Ned pulls the door shut. The lock CLICKS. He pauses by his car, realizing | trillion | How many times the word 'trillion' appears in the text? | 0 |
woman can do... with a bobbie pin. Ned looks at the door. The frame and lock have been brutally chewed away, as if someone used a jackhammer on them! She pulls out a pack of cigarettes... BLACK LUNG LITES. LOLA (offering) Cigarette? NED No... thanks. They're bad for ya. He goes to the water cooler. She lights up, exhaling a soft cloud of smoke through a sleepy smile, her voice purring. LOLA Yes, I know. I like things that are bad for me. (touching lawbooks) So... I hear you go both ways. Ned hesitates... about to drink from the paper cup. NED Only once. It was a fraternity prank. I never saw him again. He gulps the water down, crumbles the cup in his hand. LOLA No, I mean... you're a cop and a lawyer. NED Oh. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of scum out there on the streets... but they all deserve a fair and costly trial. Ned turns, tries to casually "dunk" the crumpled cup in the waste basket. He misses. Laura enters with a huge pile of lawbooks in her arms. She sees Ned miss the basket and darts over as he bends down to pick it up. LAURA I'll get that. She picks it up and tosses it into the waste basket. NED Oh... Laura... this is, uh... LOLA Lola Cain. Laura sets the heavy load of books on the desk and steps toward Lola, extending her hand. Lola takes her time removing the long white glove... finally reaching out and shaking Laura's hand with a condescending air. LOLA (sarcastic) So lovely to meet you, Laura. Ned grabs the books and turns to the bookshelf, replacing each lawbook in its proper slot. The "handshake" between Lola and Laura turns tense, then aggressive, eventually becoming a "standing Indian wrestle" as they try to force each other off balance with sheer force. Ned is oblivious to the battle behind him, chattering away. NED Gotta keep these darn books in their right place or we'll never find the ones we need. Let's see, Q thru M... R thru B... W thru F... Laura suddenly whirls Lola around, putting her in an arm lock. But Lola elbows Laura in the stomach! Laura doubles over. Lola feigns sympathy, taking her hand... then spins, twisting Laura's arm, flipping her head over heels! Laura lands on the couch... upside down... gasping. Lola strikes a haughty pose, still holding her lit cigarette. She takes a drag. Laura checks her watch, then tumbles off the couch, landing on her feet. She straightens her skirt. LAURA It's getting late. I'll give you a ride home, Ned. Finished with the books, Ned turns... smiles. NED I have my car. LAURA I'll tow you. NED Not today. You don't need to wait. I'll see you tomorrow. Lola looks at Laura... icy, haughty, triumphant. Laura moves reluctantly toward the door, sees the lock and door frame chewed to pieces... whirls around, heads back toward Ned. LAURA I should call someone to fix this... NED Tomorrow... She instantly spins around, heads back toward the door... LAURA I'll call from home. ...and exits. Ned sits down on the corner of the desk. Lola sits in the chair across from him. LOLA I think I should warn you, Mr. Ravine... I'm not wearing any underwear. She crosses her legs suggestively... then slowly, enticingly, re-crosses them in the other direction. Unimpressed, Ned opens Laura's desk drawer... pulls a pair of sexy lace panties from a Kleenex-style dispenser box labeled "PANDORA'S POP-UP PANTIES"... which pulls another pair up into position. He tosses the panties to Lola. NED Try these on. She does... very, very slowly and seductively... as they talk. NED So... what can I do for you? LOLA I've run across some... papers... and I thought you might be able to tell me what they are. You see, I'm not very experienced when it comes to... papers. NED I'll help you Miss Cain, if I'm able. Do you have the... papers... here? LOLA No... they're at home. I thought you might stop by... NED I'm on duty tonight. LOLA Don't they ever give you a night off? NED Yeah. Tomorrow. LOLA (picks up cigarette) Why don't we meet tomorrow evening then? She finishes pulling the panties on with a sultry smile... "snapping" the elastic waistband. She goes to the door, pauses... turns to him. LOLA I'll let you know where. NED (steps over to her) What's wrong with my office? She looks around, exhaling another cloud of smoke. LOLA Nothing a good interior decorator couldn't fix. She opens the door. Behind her, in the hall, we see Dizzy, the saxophone player, wailing away on "Lola's Theme." CLOSE ON LOLA She takes a final, long drag on her cigarette, then reaches O.S. with it... toward Ned. LOLA Take care of this for me, will ya? With a sultry smile, she turns and leaves, closing the door. ANGLE ON NED The cigarette is stuck in his nose. INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT The front door swings open. Frank is standing there, dressed in a cheap, loose-fitting suit and a T-shirt. FRANK I came back for my shower cap. Lana, now wearing the diaphanous gown, pulls him inside. She kisses him hungrily, slipping a frilly plastic shower cap with a gaudy floral design on his head. LANA Yeah, well you came to the right place. She walks to the living room. Frank follows, still wearing the shower cap. Lana snaps her fingers. LANA Sit down. He sits in a chair, looking around. FRANK Where is he? LANA On duty all night. By the time he wraps up his reports, it'll be close to noon tomorrow. She sits on the couch, picks up a stack of papers. LANA I was just reading over... She looks up at Frank. Sees the shower cap. LANA Take off the hat, Frank. He slips the shower cap off as Lana continues. LANA I was just reading over my husband's insurance policies. You wouldn't know anything about insurance, would you, Frankie? FRANK Yeah, matter of fact, I sell policies part-time. I got half a brain... or didn't you notice? LANA I musta had my eye on something else. (hands him papers) How about a translation. He flips through, scanning the pages, shrugging. FRANK Standard accident policy... all the usual stuff... blah, blah, blah. The face value is... Wow. Not bad. Three million bucks! (flips page) And there's a triple indemnity rider. LANA Meaning? FRANK Aw, it's just something agents throw in so we can boost the premium. If the policy holder dies under very specific conditions, it pays off three times the face value of the policy. LANA Nine million dollars...? FRANK Yeah... but it's a sure bet for the company. Nobody ever collects. LANA Why not? FRANK Well, like here... it only pays off if he's shot with a pistol, falls from a moving northbound train and drowns in a fresh water stream. LANA All three? FRANK See what I mean, sweetheart? What are the odds of that? LANA It could happen. (dramatic beat) Suppose it did happen? FRANK Then you'd be rich. LANA Then we'd be rich. FRANK What're you sayin'...? She drops to her knees in front of him, her face close to his, speaking with a persuasive urgency. LANA We're gonna kill the son-of-a-bitch! And I know exactly how! He has a legal symposium in Santa Barbara this weekend... All we have to do is get him to take the train up instead of driving. FRANK How we gonna do that? Didn't you tell me he hates trains? LANA That's where you come in, baby. You're gonna rig his car so it doesn't work. That should be no problem for you. She gets up, walks to the adjoining room... snapping her fingers at her side. He follows. She steps to a table, pulls the cover off an elaborate scale- model of Dealey Plaza and a train station, complete with HO- Scale model trains chugging around the tracks. She uses a pointer to trace the route to the depot. LANA Then... we give him a lift to the train station... through Dealey Plaza, past the Book Suppository and around the grassy knoll... FRANK Isn't that out of our way? Ignoring this, she turns the LIGHTS OFF, walks over to a screen and picks up a remote control. She clicks the button. A SLIDE PROJECTOR comes on, throwing an IMAGE on Frank's back. We can read the words: THE PLAN. LANA Move, Frank. He moves over. "THE PLAN" appears on the screen. LANA And pay attention. As she talks, IMAGES appear on the screen, accompanying her rapid spiel. We see: a shot of the depot, a map of the rail route, a gun, a river, a Bingo game, baseball action and a huge dollar sign! LANA Ten minutes out of the station he'll be standing in the vestibule between cars... trying to avoid a panic attack. Fourteen minutes and ten seconds out, the train crosses the Santa Ynez River. So at thirteen minutes and fifty-four seconds, I shoot him, shove him out the door... he hits the river and drowns. Bingo! A triple play. We're rich! The lights click ON. FRANK You been thinking about this a lot, haven't you? LANA No. It just came to me. (closer, seductive) I had this image of a big, powerful, throbbing train... plunging into a long, dark, wet tunnel. They embrace, kissing passionately, dropping out of frame. The model train CHUGS faster, the train whistle SHRIEKING a long "Woooooooo-woooooooooo!"... racing into a model tunnel. INT. POLICE STATION - SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT Ned and Arch drag in a bunch of bad-ass, multi-ethnic GANG MEMBERS they've just busted. Ned angrily shoves one of the toughest gang members against the wall... losing his cool. NED Stand over there and shut up! GANG MEMBER #1 Hey, man, we got rights! Don't you be layin' no deleterious malfeasance on us. Ned goes ballistic and slams him into the wall again! NED Watch your mouth, punk! I don't want to hear language like that! Arch grabs Ned by the shoulder, pulling him back, calming him. ARCH Whoa, hold on, hoss! Take it easy. You seem a little tense tonight. What is it? Ned regains his composure. He's depressed. NED Aw... I don't know. I guess it's Lana. It's just... I know she wants to have a baby so bad... Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. NED ...but I never get to spend any time with her. And when I am home... it's like she's, you know... avoiding sex. Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. GANG MEMBER #1 You should try to be more sensitive, man. More romantic. Bring her flowers. He steps between them, putting his arm around Ned's shoulder. GANG MEMBER #1 Try to understand how she feels. After all... He steps back, begins to SING "Try A Little Tenderness"... GANG MEMBER #1 She may be weary... Women do get weary... Wearing that same old shabby dress... But when she's weary... Try a little ten-der-ness... The other Gang Members join in on the SECOND VERSE with a sweet, mellow street-corner harmony as back-up... and some smooth group choreography. The COPS on duty listen raptly, getting maudlin and dewey- eyed. Tears roll down the cheeks of the BOOKING SERGEANT. The lights dim. A big, gruff COP makes eyes at a HOOKER being booked... and they start to slow dance. Arch watches all this with a sentimental smile, munching on his Nachos. When the song ends, Arch puts a comforting hand, covered with Nacho cheese, on Ned's shoulder. NED That can't be it. I'm the tenderest guy on the force. Nah... I think she's just afraid she won't be able to get pregnant. ARCH What's to be afraid! It's like making breakfast! You bring home the bacon... she's got the eggs. Ya scramble it up. Ba-da-boom ba-da-bing! She's got an omelette in the oven! (a beat, then) Why don't you knock off early... go home. It'd be nice for Lana to wake up in the morning and find you there for a change. NED Naw... I can't. I got all this paperwork. ARCH Don't worry about that. GANG MEMBER #1 We'll do our own paperwork, man! OTHER GANG MEMBERS Yeah! We'll fill out all that shit. Ned nods, smiles and gratefully "high-fives" the Gang Members as he heads for the door. INT. THE HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT The house is dark. A key turns in the lock and Ned enters. IN THE BEDROOM It's dark. Ned quietly undresses and slips into bed. INT. BEDROOM - CLOSE ON LANA - DAWN Sunlight creeps through the windows. Lana's eyes flutter open. She sees Ned beside her... sleeping. Suddenly, it hits her. She turns! Frank is on the other side, curled up, snoring. She's laying between both men! Lana elbows Frank. He stirs, groggy. She covers his mouth... indicating Ned. Frank's eyes bug out! He slips out of bed. The bed frame SQUEAKS LOUDLY! Frank freezes. Ned sleeps on steadily. Frank grabs his clothes. An unending torrent of coins fall out of his pants pockets, CLANGING on the floor! He freezes. Ned sleeps on. Frank retrieves the coins, clumsily stepping on the TV REMOTE CONTROL. A high-tech, sleekly designed TELEVISION MONITOR rises up... clicks ON. Frank tries frantically to push the set down, but it keeps rising into position. An IMAGE appears. It's WILLARD SCOTT, doing the weather on the TODAY SHOW. Frank grabs the remote control, frantically pounding on all the buttons. The VOLUME goes up... SOUND BLASTING! WILLARD SCOTT (on television) ...and Mrs. Prudy Ann Camomile of Delphi, Georgia is one-hundred and thirteen! What a gorgeous hunk of female! Smokes three cigars a day, drinks a straight shot of vodka at bedtime... and still has sex! The alarm clock goes off, CLANGING LOUDLY! Lana dives for it, slamming her hand down, killing the alarm. Going for a double-play, she flings the clock at the TV, nailing the on/off switch! Silence. Ned is still out cold. Frank moves toward the door... but with each step the floor CREAKS LOUDLY! He turns the knob. It CLUNKS! He pulls the door open v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y and it CRE-E-E-E-A-K-S like the piercing metal brakes of a train! He blows Lana a kiss, then pulls the door closed very gently. It sticks. He pulls harder. The knob pops off in his hand and he falls backward, tumbling down the stairs with a HUGE RACKET! Ned doesn't stir. Finally it's SILENT. Lana exhales. A SMALL BIRD lands on the sill of the open window, trilling a sweet little "CHIRP." Ned sits bolt upright, irritated. NED Damn birds! He grabs his shoe, heaving it toward the open window. EXT. NED'S HOUSE - MORNING Frank glances back up at the bedroom window with an arrogant smirk. WHAP! Ned's shoe hits him right in the face! EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY Ned comes down the courthouse steps. He pauses in the street, glimpsing the back of a WOMAN passing nearby... a STUNNING BLOND decked out in a clinging dress and fashionable hat... a long strip of toilet paper trailing from her high heel shoe. It must be LOLA. He turns to watch her. A HORN BLARES! BRAKES SCREECH! The SOUND OVERLAPS to... INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - DAY The door opens. Ned enters, looking terrible. Suit ripped, hair messed up, bruised and battered, briefcase crushed. LAURA My God, Ned... you look like you were hit by a bus. NED I was. (notices) Who's in my office? LAURA Max Shady's mother. NED Not again. INSIDE THE OFFICE MRS. SHADY, an older woman with a pleasant appearance, sits in an overstuffed leather chair. Ned and Laura enter. NED Hello, Mrs. Shady. Ned goes straight to his office closet, pulls out an identical blue suit... and starts stripping off his tattered clothes. NED Laura... check on my insurance. Make sure it's paid up. Laura reluctantly returns to the outer office. MRS. SHADY Good idea, Mr. Ravine. My son, Max, is getting out of prison tomorrow. NED (checks his watch) Gee, has it been seven years already? MRS. SHADY Seven long, miserable years in the slammer. And he's a bit pissed off. NED Well, being locked in a tiny room with no TV can make a guy feel pretty tense. MRS. SHADY I'm very concerned about him, Mr. Ravine. He said you were a two-bit shyster... and he's going to rip your head off and use it for a bowling ball! He goes to her, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder, looking her right in the eye, attempting to provide solace. NED I'm sure the experience wasn't all negative. He probably made a lot of friends... MRS. SHADY (ever hopeful) You think? NED ...learned a useful trade... MRS. SHADY Oh yes... live autopsies... NED ...caught up on all those books he wanted to read... She struggles to her feet feebly... MRS. SHADY Maybe so... but he said he's going to punch you in the testicles... She hauls off and PUNCHES him like a pile driver! WHAM! He doubles over, gasping. MRS. SHADY ...smash your face... She KNEES him in the face, raising him up... then nails him with a devastating RIGHT CROSS, spinning him around. He collapses over the desk. MRS. SHADY ...and decimate your wardrobe. She grabs the tail of his suit jacket and rips it up the back! MRS. SHADY And I wouldn't want that to happen. (spanks his butt) He's a naughty naughty boy. I just thought I should warn you. She turns and shuffles out, passing through the outer office. MRS. SHADY (to Laura) Bye for now. (pauses by desk) Oh... may I have a cookie? LAURA (at file cabinet) Sure. She grabs a handful of cookies and casually flings them at Laura... as she heads out the door. MRS. SHADY Thank yooooooooou. Laura rushes into Ned's office with the file folder. He staggers unsteadily by the desk. LAURA Oh my God, Ned. NED I hate when she comes to see me. LAURA Don't you realize, Ned?... you could be in real danger. NED (sees file) What's that? LAURA Extreme peril. You know, the risk of personal bodily harm. NED (points at file) No... I mean that. LAURA Your insurance file. But the policy's missing. Did you take it home? NED I don't think so. Laura looks puzzled... wondering where it might be. Then... LAURA Oh, wait a second... She goes to her desk in the outer office, digs through a drawer. Suddenly, she GASPS! She is holding... A FRAMED PHOTOGRAPH of her abusive HUSBAND... sneering. A circle has been drawn around his head with lipstick and a diagonal line slashed across his face. MATCH DISSOLVE TO: FLASHBACK HER HUSBAND'S FACE peers out through a sailboat porthole at stormy seas. A piece of masking tape stuck to the glass matches the diagonal line. INT. CABIN OF SAILBOAT - NIGHT Laura's Husband turns from the porthole. Laura cowers. The boat pitches and heaves, disturbing all the neatly hung towels, emblazoned with MINE - MINE - MINE across the bottom edge. Laura's Husband reacts with a crazed look in his eyes. Laura makes a break for it, running up on deck. EXT. SAILBOAT IN STORM - NIGHT Laura's Husband scrambles up onto the deck, looking fore and aft. Laura's vanished! He looks out to sea, calling... LAURA'S HUSBAND Lau-raaaaa! EXT. BEACH - NIGHT Laura paddles ashore, grasping a little kid's inflatable float ring. She struggles onto the sand and looks out to sea, triumphant... tossing the plastic float aside. MONTAGE - ULTRA CONTEMPO BEACH HOUSE - NIGHT -- Laura rushes in, tracking water all through the house. -- Laura cuts an inch of hair from her amazingly long, very wet tresses, then puts on a WIG... that is also LONG and WET! -- Laura retrieves a bra and a package of Twinkies from a secret hiding place... and stuffs them into a small brown paper bag. -- Laura hurriedly mops up her water tracks, then... -- She uses an industrial buffer to wax the hardwood floor. -- Laura removes her wedding ring... throws it in the toilet. She reaches for the handle to flush it... hesitates, seeing the "CONSERVE WATER - THIS MEANS YOU!" sticker on the toilet. She reaches into the bowl and retrieves the ring. -- On the deck, Laura throws the wedding ring toward the ocean. A SEAGULL swoops down, snatching it in mid-air and flies off. OMIT Sequence omitted from original script. -- In the bathroom... the Seagull flies in through the open window, lands on the back of the toilet and drops the ring... into the toilet bowl! EXT. THE BEACH - NEXT MORNING Laura's Husband reaches into the surf and picks up the deflated float ring. He looks at it with a cruel sneer. INT. BEACH HOUSE - BATHROOM Laura's Husband fishes Laura's wedding ring out of the toilet bowl... looking off with demonic rage! END FLASHBACK MONTAGE THE CAMERA PULLS BACK from Laura's SCREAMING mouth! Her eyes are filled with pure terror! A GIGANTIC wave of WATER splashes in her face! We see Ned... holding a tiny empty paper cup in his hand. Laura is completely drenched! NED Laura! Are you alright? That was a very long flashback you had. She snaps out of it, sputtering. LAURA Yes... I know. It's okay. I'm just a little... pre-menstrual. She goes to her desk, still upset. She picks up the message spike and turns to Ned. LAURA That Lola Cain... "person"... stopped by. She left this! She thrusts it toward Ned's face! There's a business card stuck on the end. He pulls it off. ANGLE - CLOSE ON BUSINESS CARD It reads: LE HOT CLUB! No Air Conditioning... And Proud Of It! Scribbled next to it is the message... "Meet me at 7:30". The edges of the card are scorched. INT. LE HOT CLUB - NIGHT It's dark, seductive, smoky, crowded... and HOT. Everybody is dripping with sweat and holding unlit cigarettes. Ned enters, sees Lola sitting on a stool at the bar, one leg crossed provocatively over the other. A beer can is stuck to the gum on the bottom of her shoe. It falls off with a CLUNK. He sits on the stool next to her. She looks at him, smiles. NED Oh yeah, before I forget... you asked me to take care of this. He reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a LIT CIGARETTE. It has a very long ash. LOLA Thanks... She takes it... inhales a drag, then lets the smoke flow out through her smile. It flows out for a loooooooooong time! More smoke than she could ever have inhaled. Then... NED You smoke too much. (looks around, then) It's hot tonight. LOLA Is it? I never know. My body heat runs about twenty degrees above normal. He notices the drink in her hand is BOILING. A saxophone begins to softly wail Lola's Theme. Ned looks over to see a QUARTET, featuring Dizzy on sax. The GUITARIST spontaneously bursts into FLAME! A FIREMAN, in full gear, jumps up from the bar and puts out the blaze with a fire extinguisher. None of the band members miss a beat. NED Maybe we should look for a cooler place. LOLA I doubt we'll find one. Even the wind chimes on my porch aren't moving much these days. They keep thudding softly, like dairy cows bumping butts in the night. I go out there expecting to find a cool breeze... but it's just a lot of hot air. Ned glances at the MALE CUSTOMERS... sitting at the bar across from them. They're staring coldly at Ned. NED What're they lookin' at? LOLA A lot of them have tried that seat. You're the first one's lasted this long. NED I feel honored. LOLA Don't. It's broken. A beat of realization, then the stool collapses with a CRASH! Ned pulls himself back up and drags another stool over. NED Did you bring the... papers? LOLA No. I thought you might come over... NED Sure. I'll drive you. LOLA I brought my own car. NED I'll follow you then. LOLA I know it sounds silly, but would you leave first... wait in your car? I come here a lot and I wouldn't want those men to think I'm "easy"... a slut who'll jump into bed with anyone at the drop of a hat. But if you leave first... NED ...they'll think I'm a putz for passing up a sure thing. Lola stares at Ned for a long moment... then SLAPS his face. He doesn't move, remaining staunchly macho. Then, suddenly, she SLUGS HIM so hard it knocks him over the top of the bar! LOLA (for all to hear) Now leave me alone! She pauses to give him a flicker of a COY SMILE... then picks up her drink and moves to a nearby table. Ned struggles to his feet and staggers to the door. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Ned is a mess! Blood trickles from the side of his mouth. Shirt soaked in sweat. He turns the radio ON. LOLA'S THEME starts playing. A small ceiling fan hangs from the interior roof of his car, turning slowly. The venetian blinds on his side windows are partially open, letting in slashes of dramatic light. ANGLE - HIS POV OF ROAD He's following Lola's car. It signals and turns left. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Still hot, Ned pulls the chain on the ceiling fan. It spins faster. MUCH faster! The car becomes like a wind tunnel! EXT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT The two cars enter a long drive, coming to a stop near a large two story house surrounded by lush greenery. Ned climbs out... his wind-blown hair flattened on one side and sticking out crazily. ANGLE - LOLA'S CAR DOOR - NED'S POV It opens. Lola's legs swing out. The CAMERA PANS DOWN her long legs to her feet. The car floormat is stuck to one shoe. She casually shakes it off... going to the front door. INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT They enter. It's DARK. Ned squints into the shadows. NED Well, here we are... in the dark. LOLA I have The Clapper. NED You what? Lola CLAPS her hands twice and all the LIGHTS COME ON. She smiles at him... drops her car keys on the hall table, then goes up the stairs. Ned drops his car keys on the table too and follows her. EXT. PORCH OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola clicks on a porch light. She and Ned step out. Dozens of small boxes hang around the perimeter of the porch. LOLA My wind chimes. Ned steps over, running his hands along the boxes. They "thud" against each other. NED You know, these would work a lot better if you took them out of the boxes. He slips several boxes off, releasing clusters of the metal chimes. They "tinkle" and "clang" melodically in the breeze. LOLA Well well... I guess you have been around. I'm impressed. She moves close, coming on to him. Ned feels uneasy. NED Why don't we take a look at those... papers? LOLA (remembering) Papers. Right. INT. DRESSING AREA OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola comes in, looks around, then down. She removes her shoe, pulling off two scraps of paper stuck to the gum on her heel. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Ned is looking through a book... "KAMIKAZE KAMA SUTRA - The Encyclopedia of Deadly Sexual Positions." Lola comes back in, hands Ned the two scraps of paper. NED That's it? These are the... papers? LOLA Yes. They're so confusing to me. Can you tell me what they are? He checks them out... shrugs. It's obvious. NED This one's a laundry receipt... and the other one's an expired lottery ticket. He hands them back to her, but she gently pushes them away. LOLA No. You keep them... as a memento of our time together. She slips them into his jacket pocket... then sensuously slides her hands around him, grabbing his buns, pulling him closer. LOLA I'm so grateful. How can I ever repay you for all you've done? NED Cash would be nice. LOLA Isn't there some other way? NED I suppose you could wash my car. LOLA No, I mean, isn't there something else you want? Something I could give you? She seductively starts to slide the jacket off his shoulders. NED Hey... slow down... there's a speed limit in this state. Sixty-five miles an hour. LOLA How fast was I going, officer? NED Oh, about a hundred and twenty-three. LOLA Suppose you pull me over and frisk me? NED Suppose I let you off with a warning? LOLA Suppose I find a cop with a bigger nightstick? NED Suppose I put you under arrest for being a bad girl with bad thoughts? LOLA Suppose you handcuff me to the bed? NED (rapid run-on) Suppose I do and then we lose the key and while I'm gone to get a duplicate made the house catches on fire and I can't get back to save you because the bridge is washed out and so you die a horrible death toasted like a Polish sausage on a flaming spit! (shakes his head) Nah... I better be going. He turns and leaves. She is stunned, confused, breathless. EXT. FRONT DOOR - NIGHT Ned opens the door, pauses, turns... as Lola joins him there. She looks into his eyes with desire. LOLA You're not so tough. Last chance. She moves her lips close to his, about to kiss him. Then... NED No thanks. I got a cold shower and a wife who trusts me waiting at home. LOLA What's the matter? Don't you want me? It's the way I look, isn't it? He steps out, pauses... turns to her. NED Don't forget to lock up. Ned pulls the door shut. The lock CLICKS. He pauses by his car, realizing | ten | How many times the word 'ten' appears in the text? | 3 |
woman can do... with a bobbie pin. Ned looks at the door. The frame and lock have been brutally chewed away, as if someone used a jackhammer on them! She pulls out a pack of cigarettes... BLACK LUNG LITES. LOLA (offering) Cigarette? NED No... thanks. They're bad for ya. He goes to the water cooler. She lights up, exhaling a soft cloud of smoke through a sleepy smile, her voice purring. LOLA Yes, I know. I like things that are bad for me. (touching lawbooks) So... I hear you go both ways. Ned hesitates... about to drink from the paper cup. NED Only once. It was a fraternity prank. I never saw him again. He gulps the water down, crumbles the cup in his hand. LOLA No, I mean... you're a cop and a lawyer. NED Oh. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of scum out there on the streets... but they all deserve a fair and costly trial. Ned turns, tries to casually "dunk" the crumpled cup in the waste basket. He misses. Laura enters with a huge pile of lawbooks in her arms. She sees Ned miss the basket and darts over as he bends down to pick it up. LAURA I'll get that. She picks it up and tosses it into the waste basket. NED Oh... Laura... this is, uh... LOLA Lola Cain. Laura sets the heavy load of books on the desk and steps toward Lola, extending her hand. Lola takes her time removing the long white glove... finally reaching out and shaking Laura's hand with a condescending air. LOLA (sarcastic) So lovely to meet you, Laura. Ned grabs the books and turns to the bookshelf, replacing each lawbook in its proper slot. The "handshake" between Lola and Laura turns tense, then aggressive, eventually becoming a "standing Indian wrestle" as they try to force each other off balance with sheer force. Ned is oblivious to the battle behind him, chattering away. NED Gotta keep these darn books in their right place or we'll never find the ones we need. Let's see, Q thru M... R thru B... W thru F... Laura suddenly whirls Lola around, putting her in an arm lock. But Lola elbows Laura in the stomach! Laura doubles over. Lola feigns sympathy, taking her hand... then spins, twisting Laura's arm, flipping her head over heels! Laura lands on the couch... upside down... gasping. Lola strikes a haughty pose, still holding her lit cigarette. She takes a drag. Laura checks her watch, then tumbles off the couch, landing on her feet. She straightens her skirt. LAURA It's getting late. I'll give you a ride home, Ned. Finished with the books, Ned turns... smiles. NED I have my car. LAURA I'll tow you. NED Not today. You don't need to wait. I'll see you tomorrow. Lola looks at Laura... icy, haughty, triumphant. Laura moves reluctantly toward the door, sees the lock and door frame chewed to pieces... whirls around, heads back toward Ned. LAURA I should call someone to fix this... NED Tomorrow... She instantly spins around, heads back toward the door... LAURA I'll call from home. ...and exits. Ned sits down on the corner of the desk. Lola sits in the chair across from him. LOLA I think I should warn you, Mr. Ravine... I'm not wearing any underwear. She crosses her legs suggestively... then slowly, enticingly, re-crosses them in the other direction. Unimpressed, Ned opens Laura's desk drawer... pulls a pair of sexy lace panties from a Kleenex-style dispenser box labeled "PANDORA'S POP-UP PANTIES"... which pulls another pair up into position. He tosses the panties to Lola. NED Try these on. She does... very, very slowly and seductively... as they talk. NED So... what can I do for you? LOLA I've run across some... papers... and I thought you might be able to tell me what they are. You see, I'm not very experienced when it comes to... papers. NED I'll help you Miss Cain, if I'm able. Do you have the... papers... here? LOLA No... they're at home. I thought you might stop by... NED I'm on duty tonight. LOLA Don't they ever give you a night off? NED Yeah. Tomorrow. LOLA (picks up cigarette) Why don't we meet tomorrow evening then? She finishes pulling the panties on with a sultry smile... "snapping" the elastic waistband. She goes to the door, pauses... turns to him. LOLA I'll let you know where. NED (steps over to her) What's wrong with my office? She looks around, exhaling another cloud of smoke. LOLA Nothing a good interior decorator couldn't fix. She opens the door. Behind her, in the hall, we see Dizzy, the saxophone player, wailing away on "Lola's Theme." CLOSE ON LOLA She takes a final, long drag on her cigarette, then reaches O.S. with it... toward Ned. LOLA Take care of this for me, will ya? With a sultry smile, she turns and leaves, closing the door. ANGLE ON NED The cigarette is stuck in his nose. INT. NED'S HOUSE - NIGHT The front door swings open. Frank is standing there, dressed in a cheap, loose-fitting suit and a T-shirt. FRANK I came back for my shower cap. Lana, now wearing the diaphanous gown, pulls him inside. She kisses him hungrily, slipping a frilly plastic shower cap with a gaudy floral design on his head. LANA Yeah, well you came to the right place. She walks to the living room. Frank follows, still wearing the shower cap. Lana snaps her fingers. LANA Sit down. He sits in a chair, looking around. FRANK Where is he? LANA On duty all night. By the time he wraps up his reports, it'll be close to noon tomorrow. She sits on the couch, picks up a stack of papers. LANA I was just reading over... She looks up at Frank. Sees the shower cap. LANA Take off the hat, Frank. He slips the shower cap off as Lana continues. LANA I was just reading over my husband's insurance policies. You wouldn't know anything about insurance, would you, Frankie? FRANK Yeah, matter of fact, I sell policies part-time. I got half a brain... or didn't you notice? LANA I musta had my eye on something else. (hands him papers) How about a translation. He flips through, scanning the pages, shrugging. FRANK Standard accident policy... all the usual stuff... blah, blah, blah. The face value is... Wow. Not bad. Three million bucks! (flips page) And there's a triple indemnity rider. LANA Meaning? FRANK Aw, it's just something agents throw in so we can boost the premium. If the policy holder dies under very specific conditions, it pays off three times the face value of the policy. LANA Nine million dollars...? FRANK Yeah... but it's a sure bet for the company. Nobody ever collects. LANA Why not? FRANK Well, like here... it only pays off if he's shot with a pistol, falls from a moving northbound train and drowns in a fresh water stream. LANA All three? FRANK See what I mean, sweetheart? What are the odds of that? LANA It could happen. (dramatic beat) Suppose it did happen? FRANK Then you'd be rich. LANA Then we'd be rich. FRANK What're you sayin'...? She drops to her knees in front of him, her face close to his, speaking with a persuasive urgency. LANA We're gonna kill the son-of-a-bitch! And I know exactly how! He has a legal symposium in Santa Barbara this weekend... All we have to do is get him to take the train up instead of driving. FRANK How we gonna do that? Didn't you tell me he hates trains? LANA That's where you come in, baby. You're gonna rig his car so it doesn't work. That should be no problem for you. She gets up, walks to the adjoining room... snapping her fingers at her side. He follows. She steps to a table, pulls the cover off an elaborate scale- model of Dealey Plaza and a train station, complete with HO- Scale model trains chugging around the tracks. She uses a pointer to trace the route to the depot. LANA Then... we give him a lift to the train station... through Dealey Plaza, past the Book Suppository and around the grassy knoll... FRANK Isn't that out of our way? Ignoring this, she turns the LIGHTS OFF, walks over to a screen and picks up a remote control. She clicks the button. A SLIDE PROJECTOR comes on, throwing an IMAGE on Frank's back. We can read the words: THE PLAN. LANA Move, Frank. He moves over. "THE PLAN" appears on the screen. LANA And pay attention. As she talks, IMAGES appear on the screen, accompanying her rapid spiel. We see: a shot of the depot, a map of the rail route, a gun, a river, a Bingo game, baseball action and a huge dollar sign! LANA Ten minutes out of the station he'll be standing in the vestibule between cars... trying to avoid a panic attack. Fourteen minutes and ten seconds out, the train crosses the Santa Ynez River. So at thirteen minutes and fifty-four seconds, I shoot him, shove him out the door... he hits the river and drowns. Bingo! A triple play. We're rich! The lights click ON. FRANK You been thinking about this a lot, haven't you? LANA No. It just came to me. (closer, seductive) I had this image of a big, powerful, throbbing train... plunging into a long, dark, wet tunnel. They embrace, kissing passionately, dropping out of frame. The model train CHUGS faster, the train whistle SHRIEKING a long "Woooooooo-woooooooooo!"... racing into a model tunnel. INT. POLICE STATION - SQUAD ROOM - NIGHT Ned and Arch drag in a bunch of bad-ass, multi-ethnic GANG MEMBERS they've just busted. Ned angrily shoves one of the toughest gang members against the wall... losing his cool. NED Stand over there and shut up! GANG MEMBER #1 Hey, man, we got rights! Don't you be layin' no deleterious malfeasance on us. Ned goes ballistic and slams him into the wall again! NED Watch your mouth, punk! I don't want to hear language like that! Arch grabs Ned by the shoulder, pulling him back, calming him. ARCH Whoa, hold on, hoss! Take it easy. You seem a little tense tonight. What is it? Ned regains his composure. He's depressed. NED Aw... I don't know. I guess it's Lana. It's just... I know she wants to have a baby so bad... Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. NED ...but I never get to spend any time with her. And when I am home... it's like she's, you know... avoiding sex. Gang Member #1 steps closer, listening. GANG MEMBER #1 You should try to be more sensitive, man. More romantic. Bring her flowers. He steps between them, putting his arm around Ned's shoulder. GANG MEMBER #1 Try to understand how she feels. After all... He steps back, begins to SING "Try A Little Tenderness"... GANG MEMBER #1 She may be weary... Women do get weary... Wearing that same old shabby dress... But when she's weary... Try a little ten-der-ness... The other Gang Members join in on the SECOND VERSE with a sweet, mellow street-corner harmony as back-up... and some smooth group choreography. The COPS on duty listen raptly, getting maudlin and dewey- eyed. Tears roll down the cheeks of the BOOKING SERGEANT. The lights dim. A big, gruff COP makes eyes at a HOOKER being booked... and they start to slow dance. Arch watches all this with a sentimental smile, munching on his Nachos. When the song ends, Arch puts a comforting hand, covered with Nacho cheese, on Ned's shoulder. NED That can't be it. I'm the tenderest guy on the force. Nah... I think she's just afraid she won't be able to get pregnant. ARCH What's to be afraid! It's like making breakfast! You bring home the bacon... she's got the eggs. Ya scramble it up. Ba-da-boom ba-da-bing! She's got an omelette in the oven! (a beat, then) Why don't you knock off early... go home. It'd be nice for Lana to wake up in the morning and find you there for a change. NED Naw... I can't. I got all this paperwork. ARCH Don't worry about that. GANG MEMBER #1 We'll do our own paperwork, man! OTHER GANG MEMBERS Yeah! We'll fill out all that shit. Ned nods, smiles and gratefully "high-fives" the Gang Members as he heads for the door. INT. THE HOUSE - LATER THAT NIGHT The house is dark. A key turns in the lock and Ned enters. IN THE BEDROOM It's dark. Ned quietly undresses and slips into bed. INT. BEDROOM - CLOSE ON LANA - DAWN Sunlight creeps through the windows. Lana's eyes flutter open. She sees Ned beside her... sleeping. Suddenly, it hits her. She turns! Frank is on the other side, curled up, snoring. She's laying between both men! Lana elbows Frank. He stirs, groggy. She covers his mouth... indicating Ned. Frank's eyes bug out! He slips out of bed. The bed frame SQUEAKS LOUDLY! Frank freezes. Ned sleeps on steadily. Frank grabs his clothes. An unending torrent of coins fall out of his pants pockets, CLANGING on the floor! He freezes. Ned sleeps on. Frank retrieves the coins, clumsily stepping on the TV REMOTE CONTROL. A high-tech, sleekly designed TELEVISION MONITOR rises up... clicks ON. Frank tries frantically to push the set down, but it keeps rising into position. An IMAGE appears. It's WILLARD SCOTT, doing the weather on the TODAY SHOW. Frank grabs the remote control, frantically pounding on all the buttons. The VOLUME goes up... SOUND BLASTING! WILLARD SCOTT (on television) ...and Mrs. Prudy Ann Camomile of Delphi, Georgia is one-hundred and thirteen! What a gorgeous hunk of female! Smokes three cigars a day, drinks a straight shot of vodka at bedtime... and still has sex! The alarm clock goes off, CLANGING LOUDLY! Lana dives for it, slamming her hand down, killing the alarm. Going for a double-play, she flings the clock at the TV, nailing the on/off switch! Silence. Ned is still out cold. Frank moves toward the door... but with each step the floor CREAKS LOUDLY! He turns the knob. It CLUNKS! He pulls the door open v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y and it CRE-E-E-E-A-K-S like the piercing metal brakes of a train! He blows Lana a kiss, then pulls the door closed very gently. It sticks. He pulls harder. The knob pops off in his hand and he falls backward, tumbling down the stairs with a HUGE RACKET! Ned doesn't stir. Finally it's SILENT. Lana exhales. A SMALL BIRD lands on the sill of the open window, trilling a sweet little "CHIRP." Ned sits bolt upright, irritated. NED Damn birds! He grabs his shoe, heaving it toward the open window. EXT. NED'S HOUSE - MORNING Frank glances back up at the bedroom window with an arrogant smirk. WHAP! Ned's shoe hits him right in the face! EXT. COURTHOUSE - DAY Ned comes down the courthouse steps. He pauses in the street, glimpsing the back of a WOMAN passing nearby... a STUNNING BLOND decked out in a clinging dress and fashionable hat... a long strip of toilet paper trailing from her high heel shoe. It must be LOLA. He turns to watch her. A HORN BLARES! BRAKES SCREECH! The SOUND OVERLAPS to... INT. NED'S LAW OFFICE - DAY The door opens. Ned enters, looking terrible. Suit ripped, hair messed up, bruised and battered, briefcase crushed. LAURA My God, Ned... you look like you were hit by a bus. NED I was. (notices) Who's in my office? LAURA Max Shady's mother. NED Not again. INSIDE THE OFFICE MRS. SHADY, an older woman with a pleasant appearance, sits in an overstuffed leather chair. Ned and Laura enter. NED Hello, Mrs. Shady. Ned goes straight to his office closet, pulls out an identical blue suit... and starts stripping off his tattered clothes. NED Laura... check on my insurance. Make sure it's paid up. Laura reluctantly returns to the outer office. MRS. SHADY Good idea, Mr. Ravine. My son, Max, is getting out of prison tomorrow. NED (checks his watch) Gee, has it been seven years already? MRS. SHADY Seven long, miserable years in the slammer. And he's a bit pissed off. NED Well, being locked in a tiny room with no TV can make a guy feel pretty tense. MRS. SHADY I'm very concerned about him, Mr. Ravine. He said you were a two-bit shyster... and he's going to rip your head off and use it for a bowling ball! He goes to her, putting a comforting hand on her shoulder, looking her right in the eye, attempting to provide solace. NED I'm sure the experience wasn't all negative. He probably made a lot of friends... MRS. SHADY (ever hopeful) You think? NED ...learned a useful trade... MRS. SHADY Oh yes... live autopsies... NED ...caught up on all those books he wanted to read... She struggles to her feet feebly... MRS. SHADY Maybe so... but he said he's going to punch you in the testicles... She hauls off and PUNCHES him like a pile driver! WHAM! He doubles over, gasping. MRS. SHADY ...smash your face... She KNEES him in the face, raising him up... then nails him with a devastating RIGHT CROSS, spinning him around. He collapses over the desk. MRS. SHADY ...and decimate your wardrobe. She grabs the tail of his suit jacket and rips it up the back! MRS. SHADY And I wouldn't want that to happen. (spanks his butt) He's a naughty naughty boy. I just thought I should warn you. She turns and shuffles out, passing through the outer office. MRS. SHADY (to Laura) Bye for now. (pauses by desk) Oh... may I have a cookie? LAURA (at file cabinet) Sure. She grabs a handful of cookies and casually flings them at Laura... as she heads out the door. MRS. SHADY Thank yooooooooou. Laura rushes into Ned's office with the file folder. He staggers unsteadily by the desk. LAURA Oh my God, Ned. NED I hate when she comes to see me. LAURA Don't you realize, Ned?... you could be in real danger. NED (sees file) What's that? LAURA Extreme peril. You know, the risk of personal bodily harm. NED (points at file) No... I mean that. LAURA Your insurance file. But the policy's missing. Did you take it home? NED I don't think so. Laura looks puzzled... wondering where it might be. Then... LAURA Oh, wait a second... She goes to her desk in the outer office, digs through a drawer. Suddenly, she GASPS! She is holding... A FRAMED PHOTOGRAPH of her abusive HUSBAND... sneering. A circle has been drawn around his head with lipstick and a diagonal line slashed across his face. MATCH DISSOLVE TO: FLASHBACK HER HUSBAND'S FACE peers out through a sailboat porthole at stormy seas. A piece of masking tape stuck to the glass matches the diagonal line. INT. CABIN OF SAILBOAT - NIGHT Laura's Husband turns from the porthole. Laura cowers. The boat pitches and heaves, disturbing all the neatly hung towels, emblazoned with MINE - MINE - MINE across the bottom edge. Laura's Husband reacts with a crazed look in his eyes. Laura makes a break for it, running up on deck. EXT. SAILBOAT IN STORM - NIGHT Laura's Husband scrambles up onto the deck, looking fore and aft. Laura's vanished! He looks out to sea, calling... LAURA'S HUSBAND Lau-raaaaa! EXT. BEACH - NIGHT Laura paddles ashore, grasping a little kid's inflatable float ring. She struggles onto the sand and looks out to sea, triumphant... tossing the plastic float aside. MONTAGE - ULTRA CONTEMPO BEACH HOUSE - NIGHT -- Laura rushes in, tracking water all through the house. -- Laura cuts an inch of hair from her amazingly long, very wet tresses, then puts on a WIG... that is also LONG and WET! -- Laura retrieves a bra and a package of Twinkies from a secret hiding place... and stuffs them into a small brown paper bag. -- Laura hurriedly mops up her water tracks, then... -- She uses an industrial buffer to wax the hardwood floor. -- Laura removes her wedding ring... throws it in the toilet. She reaches for the handle to flush it... hesitates, seeing the "CONSERVE WATER - THIS MEANS YOU!" sticker on the toilet. She reaches into the bowl and retrieves the ring. -- On the deck, Laura throws the wedding ring toward the ocean. A SEAGULL swoops down, snatching it in mid-air and flies off. OMIT Sequence omitted from original script. -- In the bathroom... the Seagull flies in through the open window, lands on the back of the toilet and drops the ring... into the toilet bowl! EXT. THE BEACH - NEXT MORNING Laura's Husband reaches into the surf and picks up the deflated float ring. He looks at it with a cruel sneer. INT. BEACH HOUSE - BATHROOM Laura's Husband fishes Laura's wedding ring out of the toilet bowl... looking off with demonic rage! END FLASHBACK MONTAGE THE CAMERA PULLS BACK from Laura's SCREAMING mouth! Her eyes are filled with pure terror! A GIGANTIC wave of WATER splashes in her face! We see Ned... holding a tiny empty paper cup in his hand. Laura is completely drenched! NED Laura! Are you alright? That was a very long flashback you had. She snaps out of it, sputtering. LAURA Yes... I know. It's okay. I'm just a little... pre-menstrual. She goes to her desk, still upset. She picks up the message spike and turns to Ned. LAURA That Lola Cain... "person"... stopped by. She left this! She thrusts it toward Ned's face! There's a business card stuck on the end. He pulls it off. ANGLE - CLOSE ON BUSINESS CARD It reads: LE HOT CLUB! No Air Conditioning... And Proud Of It! Scribbled next to it is the message... "Meet me at 7:30". The edges of the card are scorched. INT. LE HOT CLUB - NIGHT It's dark, seductive, smoky, crowded... and HOT. Everybody is dripping with sweat and holding unlit cigarettes. Ned enters, sees Lola sitting on a stool at the bar, one leg crossed provocatively over the other. A beer can is stuck to the gum on the bottom of her shoe. It falls off with a CLUNK. He sits on the stool next to her. She looks at him, smiles. NED Oh yeah, before I forget... you asked me to take care of this. He reaches into his jacket pocket, pulls out a LIT CIGARETTE. It has a very long ash. LOLA Thanks... She takes it... inhales a drag, then lets the smoke flow out through her smile. It flows out for a loooooooooong time! More smoke than she could ever have inhaled. Then... NED You smoke too much. (looks around, then) It's hot tonight. LOLA Is it? I never know. My body heat runs about twenty degrees above normal. He notices the drink in her hand is BOILING. A saxophone begins to softly wail Lola's Theme. Ned looks over to see a QUARTET, featuring Dizzy on sax. The GUITARIST spontaneously bursts into FLAME! A FIREMAN, in full gear, jumps up from the bar and puts out the blaze with a fire extinguisher. None of the band members miss a beat. NED Maybe we should look for a cooler place. LOLA I doubt we'll find one. Even the wind chimes on my porch aren't moving much these days. They keep thudding softly, like dairy cows bumping butts in the night. I go out there expecting to find a cool breeze... but it's just a lot of hot air. Ned glances at the MALE CUSTOMERS... sitting at the bar across from them. They're staring coldly at Ned. NED What're they lookin' at? LOLA A lot of them have tried that seat. You're the first one's lasted this long. NED I feel honored. LOLA Don't. It's broken. A beat of realization, then the stool collapses with a CRASH! Ned pulls himself back up and drags another stool over. NED Did you bring the... papers? LOLA No. I thought you might come over... NED Sure. I'll drive you. LOLA I brought my own car. NED I'll follow you then. LOLA I know it sounds silly, but would you leave first... wait in your car? I come here a lot and I wouldn't want those men to think I'm "easy"... a slut who'll jump into bed with anyone at the drop of a hat. But if you leave first... NED ...they'll think I'm a putz for passing up a sure thing. Lola stares at Ned for a long moment... then SLAPS his face. He doesn't move, remaining staunchly macho. Then, suddenly, she SLUGS HIM so hard it knocks him over the top of the bar! LOLA (for all to hear) Now leave me alone! She pauses to give him a flicker of a COY SMILE... then picks up her drink and moves to a nearby table. Ned struggles to his feet and staggers to the door. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Ned is a mess! Blood trickles from the side of his mouth. Shirt soaked in sweat. He turns the radio ON. LOLA'S THEME starts playing. A small ceiling fan hangs from the interior roof of his car, turning slowly. The venetian blinds on his side windows are partially open, letting in slashes of dramatic light. ANGLE - HIS POV OF ROAD He's following Lola's car. It signals and turns left. INT. NED'S CAR - NIGHT Still hot, Ned pulls the chain on the ceiling fan. It spins faster. MUCH faster! The car becomes like a wind tunnel! EXT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT The two cars enter a long drive, coming to a stop near a large two story house surrounded by lush greenery. Ned climbs out... his wind-blown hair flattened on one side and sticking out crazily. ANGLE - LOLA'S CAR DOOR - NED'S POV It opens. Lola's legs swing out. The CAMERA PANS DOWN her long legs to her feet. The car floormat is stuck to one shoe. She casually shakes it off... going to the front door. INT. LOLA'S HOUSE - NIGHT They enter. It's DARK. Ned squints into the shadows. NED Well, here we are... in the dark. LOLA I have The Clapper. NED You what? Lola CLAPS her hands twice and all the LIGHTS COME ON. She smiles at him... drops her car keys on the hall table, then goes up the stairs. Ned drops his car keys on the table too and follows her. EXT. PORCH OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola clicks on a porch light. She and Ned step out. Dozens of small boxes hang around the perimeter of the porch. LOLA My wind chimes. Ned steps over, running his hands along the boxes. They "thud" against each other. NED You know, these would work a lot better if you took them out of the boxes. He slips several boxes off, releasing clusters of the metal chimes. They "tinkle" and "clang" melodically in the breeze. LOLA Well well... I guess you have been around. I'm impressed. She moves close, coming on to him. Ned feels uneasy. NED Why don't we take a look at those... papers? LOLA (remembering) Papers. Right. INT. DRESSING AREA OFF BEDROOM - NIGHT Lola comes in, looks around, then down. She removes her shoe, pulling off two scraps of paper stuck to the gum on her heel. INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Ned is looking through a book... "KAMIKAZE KAMA SUTRA - The Encyclopedia of Deadly Sexual Positions." Lola comes back in, hands Ned the two scraps of paper. NED That's it? These are the... papers? LOLA Yes. They're so confusing to me. Can you tell me what they are? He checks them out... shrugs. It's obvious. NED This one's a laundry receipt... and the other one's an expired lottery ticket. He hands them back to her, but she gently pushes them away. LOLA No. You keep them... as a memento of our time together. She slips them into his jacket pocket... then sensuously slides her hands around him, grabbing his buns, pulling him closer. LOLA I'm so grateful. How can I ever repay you for all you've done? NED Cash would be nice. LOLA Isn't there some other way? NED I suppose you could wash my car. LOLA No, I mean, isn't there something else you want? Something I could give you? She seductively starts to slide the jacket off his shoulders. NED Hey... slow down... there's a speed limit in this state. Sixty-five miles an hour. LOLA How fast was I going, officer? NED Oh, about a hundred and twenty-three. LOLA Suppose you pull me over and frisk me? NED Suppose I let you off with a warning? LOLA Suppose I find a cop with a bigger nightstick? NED Suppose I put you under arrest for being a bad girl with bad thoughts? LOLA Suppose you handcuff me to the bed? NED (rapid run-on) Suppose I do and then we lose the key and while I'm gone to get a duplicate made the house catches on fire and I can't get back to save you because the bridge is washed out and so you die a horrible death toasted like a Polish sausage on a flaming spit! (shakes his head) Nah... I better be going. He turns and leaves. She is stunned, confused, breathless. EXT. FRONT DOOR - NIGHT Ned opens the door, pauses, turns... as Lola joins him there. She looks into his eyes with desire. LOLA You're not so tough. Last chance. She moves her lips close to his, about to kiss him. Then... NED No thanks. I got a cold shower and a wife who trusts me waiting at home. LOLA What's the matter? Don't you want me? It's the way I look, isn't it? He steps out, pauses... turns to her. NED Don't forget to lock up. Ned pulls the door shut. The lock CLICKS. He pauses by his car, realizing | scott | How many times the word 'scott' appears in the text? | 2 |
won't drink any wine we might as well go into the other room." Nothing had as yet been said on either of the subjects which had brought him to Saulsby, but there had been words which made the introduction of them peculiarly unpleasant. His tidings, however, must be told. "I shall not see Lord Brentford to-night?" he asked, when they were together in the drawing-room. "If you wish it you can go up to him. He will not come down." "Oh, no. It is only because I must return to-morrow." "To-morrow, Phineas!" "I must do so. I have pledged myself to see Mr. Monk,--and others also." "It is a short visit to make to us on my first return home! I hardly expected you at Loughlinter, but I thought that you might have remained a few nights under my father's roof." He could only reassert his assurance that he was bound to be back in London, and explain as best he might that he had come to Saulsby for a single night, only because he would not refuse her request to him. "I will not trouble you, Phineas, by complaints," she said. "I would give you no cause for complaint if I could avoid it." "And now tell me what has passed between you and Mr. Gresham," she said as soon as the servant had given them coffee. They were sitting by a window which opened down to the ground, and led on to the terrace and to the lawns below. The night was soft, and the air was heavy with the scent of many flowers. It was now past nine, and the sun had set; but there was a bright harvest moon, and the light, though pale, was clear as that of day. "Will you come and take a turn round the garden? We shall be better there than sitting here. I will get my hat; can I find yours for you?" So they both strolled out, down the terrace steps, and went forth, beyond the gardens, into the park, as though they had both intended from the first that it should be so. "I know you have not accepted Mr. Gresham's offer, or you would have told me so." "I have not accepted." "Nor have you refused?" "No; it is still open. I must send my answer by telegram to-morrow--Yes or No,--Mr. Gresham's time is too precious to admit of more." "Phineas, for Heaven's sake do not allow little feelings to injure you at such a time as this. It is of your own career, not of Mr. Gresham's manners, that you should think." "I have nothing to object to in Mr. Gresham. Yes or No will be quite sufficient." "It must be Yes." "It cannot be Yes, Lady Laura. That which I desired so ardently six months ago has now become so distasteful to me that I cannot accept it. There is an amount of hustling on the Treasury Bench which makes a seat there almost ignominious." "Do they hustle more than they did three years ago?" "I think they do, or if not it is more conspicuous to my eyes. I do not say that it need be ignominious. To such a one as was Mr. Palliser it certainly is not so. But it becomes so when a man goes there to get his bread, and has to fight his way as though for bare life. When office first comes, unasked for, almost unexpected, full of the charms which distance lends, it is pleasant enough. The new-comer begins to feel that he too is entitled to rub his shoulders among those who rule the world of Great Britain. But when it has been expected, longed for as I longed for it, asked for by my friends and refused, when all the world comes to know that you are a suitor for that which should come without any suit,--then the pleasantness vanishes." "I thought it was to be your career." "And I hoped so." "What will you do, Phineas? You cannot live without an income." "I must try," he said, laughing. "You will not share with your friend, as a friend should?" "No, Lady Laura. That cannot be done." "I do not see why it cannot. Then you might be independent." "Then I should indeed be dependent." "You are too proud to owe me anything." He wanted to tell her that he was too proud to owe such obligation as she had suggested to any man or any woman; but he hardly knew how to do so, intending as he did to inform her before they returned to the house of his intention to ask Madame Goesler to be his wife. He could discern the difference between enjoying his wife's fortune and taking gifts of money from one who was bound to him by no tie;--but to her in her present mood he could explain no such distinction. On a sudden he rushed at the matter in his mind. It had to be done, and must be done before he brought her back to the house. He was conscious that he had in no degree ill-used her. He had in nothing deceived her. He had kept back from her nothing which the truest friendship had called upon him to reveal to her. And yet he knew that her indignation would rise hot within her at his first word. "Laura," he said, forgetting in his confusion to remember her rank, "I had better tell you at once that I have determined to ask Madame Goesler to be my wife." "Oh, then;--of course your income is certain." "If you choose to regard my conduct in that light I cannot help it. I do not think that I deserve such reproach." "Why not tell it all? You are engaged to her?" "Not so. I have not asked her yet." "And why do you come to me with the story of your intentions,--to me of all persons in the world? I sometimes think that of all the hearts that ever dwelt within a man's bosom yours is the hardest." "For God's sake do not say that of me." "Do you remember when you came to me about Violet,--to me,--to me? I could bear it then because she was good and earnest, and a woman that I could love even though she robbed me. And I strove for you even against my own heart,--against my own brother. I did; I did. But how am I to bear it now? What shall I do now? She is a woman I loathe." "Because you do not know her." "Not know her! And are your eyes so clear at seeing that you must know her better than others? She was the Duke's mistress." "That is untrue, Lady Laura." "But what difference does it make to me? I shall be sure that you will have bread to eat, and horses to ride, and a seat in Parliament without being forced to earn it by your labour. We shall meet no more, of course." "I do not think that you can mean that." "I will never receive that woman, nor will I cross the sill of her door. Why should I?" "Should she become my wife,--that I would have thought might have been the reason why." "Surely, Phineas, no man ever understood a woman so ill as you do." "Because I would fain hope that I need not quarrel with my oldest friend?" "Yes, sir; because you think you can do this without quarrelling. How should I speak to her of you; how listen to what she would tell me? Phineas, you have killed me at last." Why could he not tell her that it was she who had done the wrong when she gave her hand to Robert Kennedy? But he could not tell her, and he was dumb. "And so it's settled!" "No; not settled." "Psha! I hate your mock modesty! It is settled. You have become far too cautious to risk fortune in such an adventure. Practice has taught you to be perfect. It was to tell me this that you came down here." "Partly so." "It would have been more generous of you, sir, to have remained away." "I did not mean to be ungenerous." Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck, and burying her face upon his bosom. They were at the moment in the centre of the park, on the grass beneath the trees, and the moon was bright over their heads. He held her to his breast while she sobbed, and then relaxed his hold as she raised herself to look into his face. After a moment she took his hat from his head with one hand, and with the other swept the hair back from his brow. "Oh, Phineas," she said, "Oh, my darling! My idol that I have worshipped when I should have worshipped my God!" [Illustration: Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck.] After that they roamed for nearly an hour backwards and forwards beneath the trees, till at last she became calm and almost reasonable. She acknowledged that she had long expected such a marriage, looking forward to it as a great sorrow. She repeated over and over again her assertion that she could not "know" Madame Goesler as the wife of Phineas, but abstained from further evil words respecting the lady. "It is better that we should be apart," she said at last. "I feel that it is better. When we are both old, if I should live, we may meet again. I knew that it was coming, and we had better part." And yet they remained out there, wandering about the park for a long portion of the summer night. She did not reproach him again, nor did she speak much of the future; but she alluded to all the incidents of their past life, showing him that nothing which he had done, no words which he had spoken, had been forgotten by her. "Of course it has been my fault," she said, as at last she parted with him in the drawing-room. "When I was younger I did not understand how strong the heart can be. I should have known it, and I pay for my ignorance with the penalty of my whole life." Then he left her, kissing her on both cheeks and on her brow, and went to his bedroom with the understanding that he would start for London on the following morning before she was up. CHAPTER LXXIX. AT LAST--AT LAST. As he took his ticket Phineas sent his message to the Prime Minister, taking that personage literally at his word. The message was, No. When writing it in the office it seemed to him to be uncourteous, but he found it difficult to add any other words that should make it less so. He supplemented it with a letter on his arrival in London, in which he expressed his regret that certain circumstances of his life which had occurred during the last month or two made him unfit to undertake the duties of the very pleasant office to which Mr. Gresham had kindly offered to appoint him. That done, he remained in town but one night, and then set his face again towards Matching. When he reached that place it was already known that he had refused to accept Mr. Gresham's offer, and he was met at once with regrets and condolements. "I am sorry that it must be so," said the Duke,--who was sorry, for he liked the man, but who said not a word more upon the subject. "You are still young, and will have further opportunities," said Lord Cantrip, "but I wish that you could have consented to come back to your old chair." "I hope that at any rate we shall not have you against us," said Sir Harry Coldfoot. Among themselves they declared one to another that he had been so completely upset by his imprisonment and subsequent trial as to be unable to undertake the work proposed to him. "It is not a very nice thing, you know, to be accused of murder," said Sir Gregory, "and to pass a month or two under the full conviction that you are going to be hung. He'll come right again some day. I only hope it may not be too late." "So you have decided for freedom?" said Madame Goesler to him that evening,--the evening of the day on which he had returned. "Yes, indeed." "I have nothing to say against your decision now. No doubt your feelings have prompted you right." "Now that it is done, of course I am full of regrets," said Phineas. "That is simple human nature, I suppose." "Simple enough; and the worst of it is that I cannot quite explain even to myself why I have done it. Every friend I had in the world told me that I was wrong, and yet I could not help myself. The thing was offered to me, not because I was thought to be fit for it, but because I had become wonderful by being brought near to a violent death! I remember once, when I was a child, having a rocking-horse given to me because I had fallen from the top of the house to the bottom without breaking my neck. The rocking-horse was very well then, but I don't care now to have one bestowed upon me for any such reason." "Still, if the rocking-horse is in itself a good rocking-horse--" "But it isn't." "I don't mean to say a word against your decision." "It isn't good. It is one of those toys which look to be so very desirable in the shop-windows, but which give no satisfaction when they are brought home. I'll tell you what occurred the other day. The circumstances happen to be known to me, though I cannot tell you my authority. My dear old friend Laurence Fitzgibbon, in the performance of his official duties, had to give an opinion on a matter affecting an expenditure of some thirty or forty thousand pounds of public money. I don't think that Laurence has generally a very strong bias this way or that on such questions, but in the case in question he took upon himself to be very decided. He wrote, or got some one to write, a report proving that the service of the country imperatively demanded that the money should be spent, and in doing so was strictly within his duty." "I am glad to hear that he can be so energetic." "The Chancellor of the Exchequer got hold of the matter, and told Fitzgibbon that the thing couldn't be done." "That was all right and constitutional, I suppose." "Quite right and constitutional. But something had to be said about it in the House, and Laurence, with all his usual fluency and beautiful Irish brogue, got up and explained that the money would be absolutely thrown away if expended on a purpose so futile as that proposed. I am assured that the great capacity which he has thus shown for official work and official life will cover a multitude of sins." "You would hardly have taken Mr. Fitzgibbon as your model statesman." "Certainly not;--and if the story affected him only it would hardly be worth telling. But the point of it lies in this;--that he disgusted no one by what he did. The Chancellor of the Exchequer thinks him a very convenient man to have about him, and Mr. Gresham feels the comfort of possessing tools so pliable." "Do you think that public life then is altogether a mistake, Mr. Finn?" "For a poor man I think that it is, in this country. A man of fortune may be independent; and because he has the power of independence those who are higher than he will not expect him to be subservient. A man who takes to parliamentary office for a living may live by it, but he will have but a dog's life of it." "If I were you, Mr. Finn, I certainly would not choose a dog's life." He said not a word to her on that occasion about herself, having made up his mind that a certain period of the following day should be chosen for the purpose, and he had hardly yet arranged in his mind what words he would use on that occasion. It seemed to him that there would be so much to be said that he must settle beforehand some order of saying it. It was not as though he had merely to tell her of his love. There had been talk of love between them before, on which occasion he had been compelled to tell her that he could not accept that which she offered to him. It would be impossible, he knew, not to refer to that former conversation. And then he had to tell her that he, now coming to her as a suitor and knowing her to be a very rich woman, was himself all but penniless. He was sure, or almost sure, that she was as well aware of this fact as he was himself; but, nevertheless, it was necessary that he should tell her of it,--and if possible so tell her as to force her to believe him when he assured her that he asked her to be his wife, not because she was rich, but because he loved her. It was impossible that all this should be said as they sat side by side in the drawing-room with a crowd of people almost within hearing, and Madame Goesler had just been called upon to play, which she always did directly she was asked. He was invited to make up a rubber, but he could not bring himself to care for cards at the present moment. So he sat apart and listened to the music. If all things went right with him to-morrow that music,--or the musician who made it,--would be his own for the rest of his life. Was he justified in expecting that she would give him so much? Of her great regard for him as a friend he had no doubt. She had shown it in various ways, and after a fashion that had made it known to all the world. But so had Lady Laura regarded him when he first told her of his love at Loughlinter. She had been his dearest friend, but she had declined to become his wife; and it had been partly so with Violet Effingham, whose friendship to him had been so sweet as to make him for a while almost think that there was more than friendship. Marie Goesler had certainly once loved him;--but so had he once loved Laura Standish. He had been wretched for a while because Lady Laura had refused him. His feelings now were altogether changed, and why should not the feelings of Madame Goesler have undergone a similar change? There was no doubt of her friendship; but then neither was there any doubt of his for Lady Laura. And in spite of her friendship, would not revenge be dear to her,--revenge of that nature which a slighted woman must always desire? He had rejected her, and would it not be fair also that he should be rejected? "I suppose you'll be in your own room before lunch to-morrow," he said to her as they separated for the night. It had come to pass from the constancy of her visits to Matching in the old Duke's time, that a certain small morning-room had been devoted to her, and this was still supposed to be her property,--so that she was not driven to herd with the public or to remain in her bedroom during all the hours of the morning. "Yes," she said; "I shall go out immediately after breakfast, but I shall soon be driven in by the heat, and then I shall be there till lunch. The Duchess always comes about half-past twelve, to complain generally of the guests." She answered him quite at her ease, making arrangement for privacy if he should desire it, but doing so as though she thought that he wanted to talk to her about his trial, or about politics, or the place he had just refused. Surely she would hardly have answered him after such a fashion had she suspected that he intended to ask her to be his wife. At a little before noon the next morning he knocked at her door, and was told to enter. "I didn't go out after all," she said. "I hadn't courage to face the sun." "I saw that you were not in the garden." "If I could have found you I would have told you that I should be here all the morning. I might have sent you a message, only--only I didn't." "I have come--" "I know why you have come." "I doubt that. I have come to tell you that I love you." "Oh Phineas;--at last, at last!" And in a moment she was in his arms. It seemed to him that from that moment all the explanations, and all the statements, and most of the assurances were made by her and not by him. After this first embrace he found himself seated beside her, holding her hand. "I do not know that I am right," said he. "Why not right?" "Because you are rich and I have nothing." "If you ever remind me of that again I will strike you," she said, raising up her little fist and bringing it down with gentle pressure on his shoulder. "Between you and me there must be nothing more about that. It must be an even partnership. There must be ever so much about money, and you'll have to go into dreadful details, and make journeys to Vienna to see that the houses don't tumble down;--but there must be no question between you and me of whence it came." "You will not think that I have to come to you for that?" "Have you ever known me to have a low opinion of myself? Is it probable that I shall account myself to be personally so mean and of so little value as to imagine that you cannot love me? I know you love me. But Phineas, I have not been sure till very lately that you would ever tell me so. As for me--! Oh, heavens! when I think of it." "Tell me that you love me now." "I think I have said so plainly enough. I have never ceased to love you since I first knew you well enough for love. And I'll tell you more,--though perhaps I shall say what you will think condemns me;--you are the only man I ever loved. My husband was very good to me,--and I was, I think, good to him. But he was many years my senior, and I cannot say I loved him,--as I do you." Then she turned to him, and put her head on his shoulder. "And I loved the old Duke, too, after a fashion. But it was a different thing from this. I will tell you something about him some day that I have never yet told to a human being." "Tell me now." "No; not till I am your wife. You must trust me. But I will tell you," she said, "lest you should be miserable. He asked me to be his wife." "The old Duke?" "Yes, indeed, and I refused to be a--duchess. Lady Glencora knew it all, and, just at the time I was breaking my heart,--like a fool, for you! Yes, for you! But I got over it, and am not broken-hearted a bit. Oh, Phineas, I am so happy now." Exactly at the time she had mentioned on the previous evening, at half-past twelve, the door was opened, and the Duchess entered the room. "Oh dear," she exclaimed, "perhaps I am in the way; perhaps I am interrupting secrets." "No, Duchess." "Shall I retire? I will at once if there be anything confidential going on." "It has gone on already, and been completed," said Madame Goesler rising from her seat. "It is only a trifle. Mr. Finn has asked me to be his wife." "Well?" "I couldn't refuse Mr. Finn a little thing like that." "I should think not, after going all the way to Prague to find a latch-key! I congratulate you, Mr. Finn, with all my heart." "Thanks, Duchess." "And when is it to be?" "We have not thought about that yet, Mr. Finn,--have we?" said Madame Goesler. "Adelaide Palliser is going to be married from here some time in the autumn," said the Duchess, "and you two had better take advantage of the occasion." This plan, however, was considered as being too rapid and rash. Marriage is a very serious affair, and many things would require arrangement. A lady with the wealth which belonged to Madame Goesler cannot bestow herself off-hand as may a curate's daughter, let her be ever so willing to give her money as well as herself. It was impossible that a day should be fixed quite at once; but the Duchess was allowed to understand that the affair might be mentioned. Before dinner on that day every one of the guests at Matching Priory knew that the man who had refused to be made Under-Secretary of State had been accepted by that possessor of fabulous wealth who was well known to the world as Madame Goesler of Park Lane. "I am very glad that you did not take office under Mr. Gresham," she said to him when they first met each other again in London. "Of course when I was advising you I could not be sure that this would happen. Now you can bide your time, and if the opportunity offers you can go to work under better auspices." CHAPTER LXXX. CONCLUSION. There remains to us the very easy task of collecting together the ends of the thread of our narrative, and tying them into a simple knot, so that there may be no unravelling. Of Mr. Emilius it has been already said that his good fortune clung to him so far that it was found impossible to connect him with the tragedy of Bolton Row. But he was made to vanish for a certain number of years from the world, and dear little Lizzie Eustace was left a free woman. When last we heard of her she was at Naples, and there was then a rumour that she was about to join her fate to that of Lord George de Bruce Carruthers, with whom pecuniary matters had lately not been going comfortably. Let us hope that the match, should it be a match, may lead to the happiness and respectability of both of them. As all the world knows, Lord and Lady Chiltern still live at Harrington Hall, and he has been considered to do very well with the Brake country. He still grumbles about Trumpeton Wood, and says that it will take a lifetime to repair the injuries done by Mr. Fothergill;--but then who ever knew a Master of Hounds who wasn't ill-treated by the owners of coverts? Of Mr. Tom Spooner it can only be said that he is still a bachelor, living with his cousin Ned, and that none of the neighbours expect to see a lady at Spoon Hall. In one winter, after the period of his misfortune, he became slack about his hunting, and there were rumours that he was carrying out that terrible threat of his as to the crusade which he would go to find a cure for his love. But his cousin took him in hand somewhat sharply, made him travel abroad during the summer, and brought him out the next season, "as fresh as paint," as the members of the Brake Hunt declared. It was known to every sportsman in the country that poor Mr. Spooner had been in love; but the affair was allowed to be a mystery, and no one ever spoke to Spooner himself upon the subject. It is probable that he now reaps no slight amount of gratification from his memory of the romance. The marriage between Gerard Maule and Adelaide Palliser was celebrated with great glory at Matching, and was mentioned in all the leading papers as an alliance in high life. When it became known to Mr. Maule, Senior, that this would be so, and that the lady would have a very considerable fortune from the old Duke, he reconciled himself to the marriage altogether, and at once gave way in that matter of Maule Abbey. Nothing he thought would be more suitable than that the young people should live at the old family place. So Maule Abbey was fitted up, and Mr. and Mrs. Maule have taken up their residence there. Under the influence of his wife he has promised to attend to his farming, and proposes to do no more than go out and see the hounds when they come into his neighbourhood. Let us hope that he may prosper. Should the farming come to a good end more will probably have been due to his wife's enterprise than to his own. The energetic father is, as all the world knows, now in pursuit of a widow with three thousand a year who has lately come out in Cavendish Square. Of poor Lord Fawn no good account can be given. To his thinking, official life had none of those drawbacks with which the fantastic feelings of Phineas Finn had invested it. He could have been happy for ever at the India Board or at the Colonial Office;--but his life was made a burden to him by the affair of the Bonteen murder. He was charged with having nearly led | gals | How many times the word 'gals' appears in the text? | 0 |
won't drink any wine we might as well go into the other room." Nothing had as yet been said on either of the subjects which had brought him to Saulsby, but there had been words which made the introduction of them peculiarly unpleasant. His tidings, however, must be told. "I shall not see Lord Brentford to-night?" he asked, when they were together in the drawing-room. "If you wish it you can go up to him. He will not come down." "Oh, no. It is only because I must return to-morrow." "To-morrow, Phineas!" "I must do so. I have pledged myself to see Mr. Monk,--and others also." "It is a short visit to make to us on my first return home! I hardly expected you at Loughlinter, but I thought that you might have remained a few nights under my father's roof." He could only reassert his assurance that he was bound to be back in London, and explain as best he might that he had come to Saulsby for a single night, only because he would not refuse her request to him. "I will not trouble you, Phineas, by complaints," she said. "I would give you no cause for complaint if I could avoid it." "And now tell me what has passed between you and Mr. Gresham," she said as soon as the servant had given them coffee. They were sitting by a window which opened down to the ground, and led on to the terrace and to the lawns below. The night was soft, and the air was heavy with the scent of many flowers. It was now past nine, and the sun had set; but there was a bright harvest moon, and the light, though pale, was clear as that of day. "Will you come and take a turn round the garden? We shall be better there than sitting here. I will get my hat; can I find yours for you?" So they both strolled out, down the terrace steps, and went forth, beyond the gardens, into the park, as though they had both intended from the first that it should be so. "I know you have not accepted Mr. Gresham's offer, or you would have told me so." "I have not accepted." "Nor have you refused?" "No; it is still open. I must send my answer by telegram to-morrow--Yes or No,--Mr. Gresham's time is too precious to admit of more." "Phineas, for Heaven's sake do not allow little feelings to injure you at such a time as this. It is of your own career, not of Mr. Gresham's manners, that you should think." "I have nothing to object to in Mr. Gresham. Yes or No will be quite sufficient." "It must be Yes." "It cannot be Yes, Lady Laura. That which I desired so ardently six months ago has now become so distasteful to me that I cannot accept it. There is an amount of hustling on the Treasury Bench which makes a seat there almost ignominious." "Do they hustle more than they did three years ago?" "I think they do, or if not it is more conspicuous to my eyes. I do not say that it need be ignominious. To such a one as was Mr. Palliser it certainly is not so. But it becomes so when a man goes there to get his bread, and has to fight his way as though for bare life. When office first comes, unasked for, almost unexpected, full of the charms which distance lends, it is pleasant enough. The new-comer begins to feel that he too is entitled to rub his shoulders among those who rule the world of Great Britain. But when it has been expected, longed for as I longed for it, asked for by my friends and refused, when all the world comes to know that you are a suitor for that which should come without any suit,--then the pleasantness vanishes." "I thought it was to be your career." "And I hoped so." "What will you do, Phineas? You cannot live without an income." "I must try," he said, laughing. "You will not share with your friend, as a friend should?" "No, Lady Laura. That cannot be done." "I do not see why it cannot. Then you might be independent." "Then I should indeed be dependent." "You are too proud to owe me anything." He wanted to tell her that he was too proud to owe such obligation as she had suggested to any man or any woman; but he hardly knew how to do so, intending as he did to inform her before they returned to the house of his intention to ask Madame Goesler to be his wife. He could discern the difference between enjoying his wife's fortune and taking gifts of money from one who was bound to him by no tie;--but to her in her present mood he could explain no such distinction. On a sudden he rushed at the matter in his mind. It had to be done, and must be done before he brought her back to the house. He was conscious that he had in no degree ill-used her. He had in nothing deceived her. He had kept back from her nothing which the truest friendship had called upon him to reveal to her. And yet he knew that her indignation would rise hot within her at his first word. "Laura," he said, forgetting in his confusion to remember her rank, "I had better tell you at once that I have determined to ask Madame Goesler to be my wife." "Oh, then;--of course your income is certain." "If you choose to regard my conduct in that light I cannot help it. I do not think that I deserve such reproach." "Why not tell it all? You are engaged to her?" "Not so. I have not asked her yet." "And why do you come to me with the story of your intentions,--to me of all persons in the world? I sometimes think that of all the hearts that ever dwelt within a man's bosom yours is the hardest." "For God's sake do not say that of me." "Do you remember when you came to me about Violet,--to me,--to me? I could bear it then because she was good and earnest, and a woman that I could love even though she robbed me. And I strove for you even against my own heart,--against my own brother. I did; I did. But how am I to bear it now? What shall I do now? She is a woman I loathe." "Because you do not know her." "Not know her! And are your eyes so clear at seeing that you must know her better than others? She was the Duke's mistress." "That is untrue, Lady Laura." "But what difference does it make to me? I shall be sure that you will have bread to eat, and horses to ride, and a seat in Parliament without being forced to earn it by your labour. We shall meet no more, of course." "I do not think that you can mean that." "I will never receive that woman, nor will I cross the sill of her door. Why should I?" "Should she become my wife,--that I would have thought might have been the reason why." "Surely, Phineas, no man ever understood a woman so ill as you do." "Because I would fain hope that I need not quarrel with my oldest friend?" "Yes, sir; because you think you can do this without quarrelling. How should I speak to her of you; how listen to what she would tell me? Phineas, you have killed me at last." Why could he not tell her that it was she who had done the wrong when she gave her hand to Robert Kennedy? But he could not tell her, and he was dumb. "And so it's settled!" "No; not settled." "Psha! I hate your mock modesty! It is settled. You have become far too cautious to risk fortune in such an adventure. Practice has taught you to be perfect. It was to tell me this that you came down here." "Partly so." "It would have been more generous of you, sir, to have remained away." "I did not mean to be ungenerous." Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck, and burying her face upon his bosom. They were at the moment in the centre of the park, on the grass beneath the trees, and the moon was bright over their heads. He held her to his breast while she sobbed, and then relaxed his hold as she raised herself to look into his face. After a moment she took his hat from his head with one hand, and with the other swept the hair back from his brow. "Oh, Phineas," she said, "Oh, my darling! My idol that I have worshipped when I should have worshipped my God!" [Illustration: Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck.] After that they roamed for nearly an hour backwards and forwards beneath the trees, till at last she became calm and almost reasonable. She acknowledged that she had long expected such a marriage, looking forward to it as a great sorrow. She repeated over and over again her assertion that she could not "know" Madame Goesler as the wife of Phineas, but abstained from further evil words respecting the lady. "It is better that we should be apart," she said at last. "I feel that it is better. When we are both old, if I should live, we may meet again. I knew that it was coming, and we had better part." And yet they remained out there, wandering about the park for a long portion of the summer night. She did not reproach him again, nor did she speak much of the future; but she alluded to all the incidents of their past life, showing him that nothing which he had done, no words which he had spoken, had been forgotten by her. "Of course it has been my fault," she said, as at last she parted with him in the drawing-room. "When I was younger I did not understand how strong the heart can be. I should have known it, and I pay for my ignorance with the penalty of my whole life." Then he left her, kissing her on both cheeks and on her brow, and went to his bedroom with the understanding that he would start for London on the following morning before she was up. CHAPTER LXXIX. AT LAST--AT LAST. As he took his ticket Phineas sent his message to the Prime Minister, taking that personage literally at his word. The message was, No. When writing it in the office it seemed to him to be uncourteous, but he found it difficult to add any other words that should make it less so. He supplemented it with a letter on his arrival in London, in which he expressed his regret that certain circumstances of his life which had occurred during the last month or two made him unfit to undertake the duties of the very pleasant office to which Mr. Gresham had kindly offered to appoint him. That done, he remained in town but one night, and then set his face again towards Matching. When he reached that place it was already known that he had refused to accept Mr. Gresham's offer, and he was met at once with regrets and condolements. "I am sorry that it must be so," said the Duke,--who was sorry, for he liked the man, but who said not a word more upon the subject. "You are still young, and will have further opportunities," said Lord Cantrip, "but I wish that you could have consented to come back to your old chair." "I hope that at any rate we shall not have you against us," said Sir Harry Coldfoot. Among themselves they declared one to another that he had been so completely upset by his imprisonment and subsequent trial as to be unable to undertake the work proposed to him. "It is not a very nice thing, you know, to be accused of murder," said Sir Gregory, "and to pass a month or two under the full conviction that you are going to be hung. He'll come right again some day. I only hope it may not be too late." "So you have decided for freedom?" said Madame Goesler to him that evening,--the evening of the day on which he had returned. "Yes, indeed." "I have nothing to say against your decision now. No doubt your feelings have prompted you right." "Now that it is done, of course I am full of regrets," said Phineas. "That is simple human nature, I suppose." "Simple enough; and the worst of it is that I cannot quite explain even to myself why I have done it. Every friend I had in the world told me that I was wrong, and yet I could not help myself. The thing was offered to me, not because I was thought to be fit for it, but because I had become wonderful by being brought near to a violent death! I remember once, when I was a child, having a rocking-horse given to me because I had fallen from the top of the house to the bottom without breaking my neck. The rocking-horse was very well then, but I don't care now to have one bestowed upon me for any such reason." "Still, if the rocking-horse is in itself a good rocking-horse--" "But it isn't." "I don't mean to say a word against your decision." "It isn't good. It is one of those toys which look to be so very desirable in the shop-windows, but which give no satisfaction when they are brought home. I'll tell you what occurred the other day. The circumstances happen to be known to me, though I cannot tell you my authority. My dear old friend Laurence Fitzgibbon, in the performance of his official duties, had to give an opinion on a matter affecting an expenditure of some thirty or forty thousand pounds of public money. I don't think that Laurence has generally a very strong bias this way or that on such questions, but in the case in question he took upon himself to be very decided. He wrote, or got some one to write, a report proving that the service of the country imperatively demanded that the money should be spent, and in doing so was strictly within his duty." "I am glad to hear that he can be so energetic." "The Chancellor of the Exchequer got hold of the matter, and told Fitzgibbon that the thing couldn't be done." "That was all right and constitutional, I suppose." "Quite right and constitutional. But something had to be said about it in the House, and Laurence, with all his usual fluency and beautiful Irish brogue, got up and explained that the money would be absolutely thrown away if expended on a purpose so futile as that proposed. I am assured that the great capacity which he has thus shown for official work and official life will cover a multitude of sins." "You would hardly have taken Mr. Fitzgibbon as your model statesman." "Certainly not;--and if the story affected him only it would hardly be worth telling. But the point of it lies in this;--that he disgusted no one by what he did. The Chancellor of the Exchequer thinks him a very convenient man to have about him, and Mr. Gresham feels the comfort of possessing tools so pliable." "Do you think that public life then is altogether a mistake, Mr. Finn?" "For a poor man I think that it is, in this country. A man of fortune may be independent; and because he has the power of independence those who are higher than he will not expect him to be subservient. A man who takes to parliamentary office for a living may live by it, but he will have but a dog's life of it." "If I were you, Mr. Finn, I certainly would not choose a dog's life." He said not a word to her on that occasion about herself, having made up his mind that a certain period of the following day should be chosen for the purpose, and he had hardly yet arranged in his mind what words he would use on that occasion. It seemed to him that there would be so much to be said that he must settle beforehand some order of saying it. It was not as though he had merely to tell her of his love. There had been talk of love between them before, on which occasion he had been compelled to tell her that he could not accept that which she offered to him. It would be impossible, he knew, not to refer to that former conversation. And then he had to tell her that he, now coming to her as a suitor and knowing her to be a very rich woman, was himself all but penniless. He was sure, or almost sure, that she was as well aware of this fact as he was himself; but, nevertheless, it was necessary that he should tell her of it,--and if possible so tell her as to force her to believe him when he assured her that he asked her to be his wife, not because she was rich, but because he loved her. It was impossible that all this should be said as they sat side by side in the drawing-room with a crowd of people almost within hearing, and Madame Goesler had just been called upon to play, which she always did directly she was asked. He was invited to make up a rubber, but he could not bring himself to care for cards at the present moment. So he sat apart and listened to the music. If all things went right with him to-morrow that music,--or the musician who made it,--would be his own for the rest of his life. Was he justified in expecting that she would give him so much? Of her great regard for him as a friend he had no doubt. She had shown it in various ways, and after a fashion that had made it known to all the world. But so had Lady Laura regarded him when he first told her of his love at Loughlinter. She had been his dearest friend, but she had declined to become his wife; and it had been partly so with Violet Effingham, whose friendship to him had been so sweet as to make him for a while almost think that there was more than friendship. Marie Goesler had certainly once loved him;--but so had he once loved Laura Standish. He had been wretched for a while because Lady Laura had refused him. His feelings now were altogether changed, and why should not the feelings of Madame Goesler have undergone a similar change? There was no doubt of her friendship; but then neither was there any doubt of his for Lady Laura. And in spite of her friendship, would not revenge be dear to her,--revenge of that nature which a slighted woman must always desire? He had rejected her, and would it not be fair also that he should be rejected? "I suppose you'll be in your own room before lunch to-morrow," he said to her as they separated for the night. It had come to pass from the constancy of her visits to Matching in the old Duke's time, that a certain small morning-room had been devoted to her, and this was still supposed to be her property,--so that she was not driven to herd with the public or to remain in her bedroom during all the hours of the morning. "Yes," she said; "I shall go out immediately after breakfast, but I shall soon be driven in by the heat, and then I shall be there till lunch. The Duchess always comes about half-past twelve, to complain generally of the guests." She answered him quite at her ease, making arrangement for privacy if he should desire it, but doing so as though she thought that he wanted to talk to her about his trial, or about politics, or the place he had just refused. Surely she would hardly have answered him after such a fashion had she suspected that he intended to ask her to be his wife. At a little before noon the next morning he knocked at her door, and was told to enter. "I didn't go out after all," she said. "I hadn't courage to face the sun." "I saw that you were not in the garden." "If I could have found you I would have told you that I should be here all the morning. I might have sent you a message, only--only I didn't." "I have come--" "I know why you have come." "I doubt that. I have come to tell you that I love you." "Oh Phineas;--at last, at last!" And in a moment she was in his arms. It seemed to him that from that moment all the explanations, and all the statements, and most of the assurances were made by her and not by him. After this first embrace he found himself seated beside her, holding her hand. "I do not know that I am right," said he. "Why not right?" "Because you are rich and I have nothing." "If you ever remind me of that again I will strike you," she said, raising up her little fist and bringing it down with gentle pressure on his shoulder. "Between you and me there must be nothing more about that. It must be an even partnership. There must be ever so much about money, and you'll have to go into dreadful details, and make journeys to Vienna to see that the houses don't tumble down;--but there must be no question between you and me of whence it came." "You will not think that I have to come to you for that?" "Have you ever known me to have a low opinion of myself? Is it probable that I shall account myself to be personally so mean and of so little value as to imagine that you cannot love me? I know you love me. But Phineas, I have not been sure till very lately that you would ever tell me so. As for me--! Oh, heavens! when I think of it." "Tell me that you love me now." "I think I have said so plainly enough. I have never ceased to love you since I first knew you well enough for love. And I'll tell you more,--though perhaps I shall say what you will think condemns me;--you are the only man I ever loved. My husband was very good to me,--and I was, I think, good to him. But he was many years my senior, and I cannot say I loved him,--as I do you." Then she turned to him, and put her head on his shoulder. "And I loved the old Duke, too, after a fashion. But it was a different thing from this. I will tell you something about him some day that I have never yet told to a human being." "Tell me now." "No; not till I am your wife. You must trust me. But I will tell you," she said, "lest you should be miserable. He asked me to be his wife." "The old Duke?" "Yes, indeed, and I refused to be a--duchess. Lady Glencora knew it all, and, just at the time I was breaking my heart,--like a fool, for you! Yes, for you! But I got over it, and am not broken-hearted a bit. Oh, Phineas, I am so happy now." Exactly at the time she had mentioned on the previous evening, at half-past twelve, the door was opened, and the Duchess entered the room. "Oh dear," she exclaimed, "perhaps I am in the way; perhaps I am interrupting secrets." "No, Duchess." "Shall I retire? I will at once if there be anything confidential going on." "It has gone on already, and been completed," said Madame Goesler rising from her seat. "It is only a trifle. Mr. Finn has asked me to be his wife." "Well?" "I couldn't refuse Mr. Finn a little thing like that." "I should think not, after going all the way to Prague to find a latch-key! I congratulate you, Mr. Finn, with all my heart." "Thanks, Duchess." "And when is it to be?" "We have not thought about that yet, Mr. Finn,--have we?" said Madame Goesler. "Adelaide Palliser is going to be married from here some time in the autumn," said the Duchess, "and you two had better take advantage of the occasion." This plan, however, was considered as being too rapid and rash. Marriage is a very serious affair, and many things would require arrangement. A lady with the wealth which belonged to Madame Goesler cannot bestow herself off-hand as may a curate's daughter, let her be ever so willing to give her money as well as herself. It was impossible that a day should be fixed quite at once; but the Duchess was allowed to understand that the affair might be mentioned. Before dinner on that day every one of the guests at Matching Priory knew that the man who had refused to be made Under-Secretary of State had been accepted by that possessor of fabulous wealth who was well known to the world as Madame Goesler of Park Lane. "I am very glad that you did not take office under Mr. Gresham," she said to him when they first met each other again in London. "Of course when I was advising you I could not be sure that this would happen. Now you can bide your time, and if the opportunity offers you can go to work under better auspices." CHAPTER LXXX. CONCLUSION. There remains to us the very easy task of collecting together the ends of the thread of our narrative, and tying them into a simple knot, so that there may be no unravelling. Of Mr. Emilius it has been already said that his good fortune clung to him so far that it was found impossible to connect him with the tragedy of Bolton Row. But he was made to vanish for a certain number of years from the world, and dear little Lizzie Eustace was left a free woman. When last we heard of her she was at Naples, and there was then a rumour that she was about to join her fate to that of Lord George de Bruce Carruthers, with whom pecuniary matters had lately not been going comfortably. Let us hope that the match, should it be a match, may lead to the happiness and respectability of both of them. As all the world knows, Lord and Lady Chiltern still live at Harrington Hall, and he has been considered to do very well with the Brake country. He still grumbles about Trumpeton Wood, and says that it will take a lifetime to repair the injuries done by Mr. Fothergill;--but then who ever knew a Master of Hounds who wasn't ill-treated by the owners of coverts? Of Mr. Tom Spooner it can only be said that he is still a bachelor, living with his cousin Ned, and that none of the neighbours expect to see a lady at Spoon Hall. In one winter, after the period of his misfortune, he became slack about his hunting, and there were rumours that he was carrying out that terrible threat of his as to the crusade which he would go to find a cure for his love. But his cousin took him in hand somewhat sharply, made him travel abroad during the summer, and brought him out the next season, "as fresh as paint," as the members of the Brake Hunt declared. It was known to every sportsman in the country that poor Mr. Spooner had been in love; but the affair was allowed to be a mystery, and no one ever spoke to Spooner himself upon the subject. It is probable that he now reaps no slight amount of gratification from his memory of the romance. The marriage between Gerard Maule and Adelaide Palliser was celebrated with great glory at Matching, and was mentioned in all the leading papers as an alliance in high life. When it became known to Mr. Maule, Senior, that this would be so, and that the lady would have a very considerable fortune from the old Duke, he reconciled himself to the marriage altogether, and at once gave way in that matter of Maule Abbey. Nothing he thought would be more suitable than that the young people should live at the old family place. So Maule Abbey was fitted up, and Mr. and Mrs. Maule have taken up their residence there. Under the influence of his wife he has promised to attend to his farming, and proposes to do no more than go out and see the hounds when they come into his neighbourhood. Let us hope that he may prosper. Should the farming come to a good end more will probably have been due to his wife's enterprise than to his own. The energetic father is, as all the world knows, now in pursuit of a widow with three thousand a year who has lately come out in Cavendish Square. Of poor Lord Fawn no good account can be given. To his thinking, official life had none of those drawbacks with which the fantastic feelings of Phineas Finn had invested it. He could have been happy for ever at the India Board or at the Colonial Office;--but his life was made a burden to him by the affair of the Bonteen murder. He was charged with having nearly led | relaxed | How many times the word 'relaxed' appears in the text? | 1 |
won't drink any wine we might as well go into the other room." Nothing had as yet been said on either of the subjects which had brought him to Saulsby, but there had been words which made the introduction of them peculiarly unpleasant. His tidings, however, must be told. "I shall not see Lord Brentford to-night?" he asked, when they were together in the drawing-room. "If you wish it you can go up to him. He will not come down." "Oh, no. It is only because I must return to-morrow." "To-morrow, Phineas!" "I must do so. I have pledged myself to see Mr. Monk,--and others also." "It is a short visit to make to us on my first return home! I hardly expected you at Loughlinter, but I thought that you might have remained a few nights under my father's roof." He could only reassert his assurance that he was bound to be back in London, and explain as best he might that he had come to Saulsby for a single night, only because he would not refuse her request to him. "I will not trouble you, Phineas, by complaints," she said. "I would give you no cause for complaint if I could avoid it." "And now tell me what has passed between you and Mr. Gresham," she said as soon as the servant had given them coffee. They were sitting by a window which opened down to the ground, and led on to the terrace and to the lawns below. The night was soft, and the air was heavy with the scent of many flowers. It was now past nine, and the sun had set; but there was a bright harvest moon, and the light, though pale, was clear as that of day. "Will you come and take a turn round the garden? We shall be better there than sitting here. I will get my hat; can I find yours for you?" So they both strolled out, down the terrace steps, and went forth, beyond the gardens, into the park, as though they had both intended from the first that it should be so. "I know you have not accepted Mr. Gresham's offer, or you would have told me so." "I have not accepted." "Nor have you refused?" "No; it is still open. I must send my answer by telegram to-morrow--Yes or No,--Mr. Gresham's time is too precious to admit of more." "Phineas, for Heaven's sake do not allow little feelings to injure you at such a time as this. It is of your own career, not of Mr. Gresham's manners, that you should think." "I have nothing to object to in Mr. Gresham. Yes or No will be quite sufficient." "It must be Yes." "It cannot be Yes, Lady Laura. That which I desired so ardently six months ago has now become so distasteful to me that I cannot accept it. There is an amount of hustling on the Treasury Bench which makes a seat there almost ignominious." "Do they hustle more than they did three years ago?" "I think they do, or if not it is more conspicuous to my eyes. I do not say that it need be ignominious. To such a one as was Mr. Palliser it certainly is not so. But it becomes so when a man goes there to get his bread, and has to fight his way as though for bare life. When office first comes, unasked for, almost unexpected, full of the charms which distance lends, it is pleasant enough. The new-comer begins to feel that he too is entitled to rub his shoulders among those who rule the world of Great Britain. But when it has been expected, longed for as I longed for it, asked for by my friends and refused, when all the world comes to know that you are a suitor for that which should come without any suit,--then the pleasantness vanishes." "I thought it was to be your career." "And I hoped so." "What will you do, Phineas? You cannot live without an income." "I must try," he said, laughing. "You will not share with your friend, as a friend should?" "No, Lady Laura. That cannot be done." "I do not see why it cannot. Then you might be independent." "Then I should indeed be dependent." "You are too proud to owe me anything." He wanted to tell her that he was too proud to owe such obligation as she had suggested to any man or any woman; but he hardly knew how to do so, intending as he did to inform her before they returned to the house of his intention to ask Madame Goesler to be his wife. He could discern the difference between enjoying his wife's fortune and taking gifts of money from one who was bound to him by no tie;--but to her in her present mood he could explain no such distinction. On a sudden he rushed at the matter in his mind. It had to be done, and must be done before he brought her back to the house. He was conscious that he had in no degree ill-used her. He had in nothing deceived her. He had kept back from her nothing which the truest friendship had called upon him to reveal to her. And yet he knew that her indignation would rise hot within her at his first word. "Laura," he said, forgetting in his confusion to remember her rank, "I had better tell you at once that I have determined to ask Madame Goesler to be my wife." "Oh, then;--of course your income is certain." "If you choose to regard my conduct in that light I cannot help it. I do not think that I deserve such reproach." "Why not tell it all? You are engaged to her?" "Not so. I have not asked her yet." "And why do you come to me with the story of your intentions,--to me of all persons in the world? I sometimes think that of all the hearts that ever dwelt within a man's bosom yours is the hardest." "For God's sake do not say that of me." "Do you remember when you came to me about Violet,--to me,--to me? I could bear it then because she was good and earnest, and a woman that I could love even though she robbed me. And I strove for you even against my own heart,--against my own brother. I did; I did. But how am I to bear it now? What shall I do now? She is a woman I loathe." "Because you do not know her." "Not know her! And are your eyes so clear at seeing that you must know her better than others? She was the Duke's mistress." "That is untrue, Lady Laura." "But what difference does it make to me? I shall be sure that you will have bread to eat, and horses to ride, and a seat in Parliament without being forced to earn it by your labour. We shall meet no more, of course." "I do not think that you can mean that." "I will never receive that woman, nor will I cross the sill of her door. Why should I?" "Should she become my wife,--that I would have thought might have been the reason why." "Surely, Phineas, no man ever understood a woman so ill as you do." "Because I would fain hope that I need not quarrel with my oldest friend?" "Yes, sir; because you think you can do this without quarrelling. How should I speak to her of you; how listen to what she would tell me? Phineas, you have killed me at last." Why could he not tell her that it was she who had done the wrong when she gave her hand to Robert Kennedy? But he could not tell her, and he was dumb. "And so it's settled!" "No; not settled." "Psha! I hate your mock modesty! It is settled. You have become far too cautious to risk fortune in such an adventure. Practice has taught you to be perfect. It was to tell me this that you came down here." "Partly so." "It would have been more generous of you, sir, to have remained away." "I did not mean to be ungenerous." Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck, and burying her face upon his bosom. They were at the moment in the centre of the park, on the grass beneath the trees, and the moon was bright over their heads. He held her to his breast while she sobbed, and then relaxed his hold as she raised herself to look into his face. After a moment she took his hat from his head with one hand, and with the other swept the hair back from his brow. "Oh, Phineas," she said, "Oh, my darling! My idol that I have worshipped when I should have worshipped my God!" [Illustration: Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck.] After that they roamed for nearly an hour backwards and forwards beneath the trees, till at last she became calm and almost reasonable. She acknowledged that she had long expected such a marriage, looking forward to it as a great sorrow. She repeated over and over again her assertion that she could not "know" Madame Goesler as the wife of Phineas, but abstained from further evil words respecting the lady. "It is better that we should be apart," she said at last. "I feel that it is better. When we are both old, if I should live, we may meet again. I knew that it was coming, and we had better part." And yet they remained out there, wandering about the park for a long portion of the summer night. She did not reproach him again, nor did she speak much of the future; but she alluded to all the incidents of their past life, showing him that nothing which he had done, no words which he had spoken, had been forgotten by her. "Of course it has been my fault," she said, as at last she parted with him in the drawing-room. "When I was younger I did not understand how strong the heart can be. I should have known it, and I pay for my ignorance with the penalty of my whole life." Then he left her, kissing her on both cheeks and on her brow, and went to his bedroom with the understanding that he would start for London on the following morning before she was up. CHAPTER LXXIX. AT LAST--AT LAST. As he took his ticket Phineas sent his message to the Prime Minister, taking that personage literally at his word. The message was, No. When writing it in the office it seemed to him to be uncourteous, but he found it difficult to add any other words that should make it less so. He supplemented it with a letter on his arrival in London, in which he expressed his regret that certain circumstances of his life which had occurred during the last month or two made him unfit to undertake the duties of the very pleasant office to which Mr. Gresham had kindly offered to appoint him. That done, he remained in town but one night, and then set his face again towards Matching. When he reached that place it was already known that he had refused to accept Mr. Gresham's offer, and he was met at once with regrets and condolements. "I am sorry that it must be so," said the Duke,--who was sorry, for he liked the man, but who said not a word more upon the subject. "You are still young, and will have further opportunities," said Lord Cantrip, "but I wish that you could have consented to come back to your old chair." "I hope that at any rate we shall not have you against us," said Sir Harry Coldfoot. Among themselves they declared one to another that he had been so completely upset by his imprisonment and subsequent trial as to be unable to undertake the work proposed to him. "It is not a very nice thing, you know, to be accused of murder," said Sir Gregory, "and to pass a month or two under the full conviction that you are going to be hung. He'll come right again some day. I only hope it may not be too late." "So you have decided for freedom?" said Madame Goesler to him that evening,--the evening of the day on which he had returned. "Yes, indeed." "I have nothing to say against your decision now. No doubt your feelings have prompted you right." "Now that it is done, of course I am full of regrets," said Phineas. "That is simple human nature, I suppose." "Simple enough; and the worst of it is that I cannot quite explain even to myself why I have done it. Every friend I had in the world told me that I was wrong, and yet I could not help myself. The thing was offered to me, not because I was thought to be fit for it, but because I had become wonderful by being brought near to a violent death! I remember once, when I was a child, having a rocking-horse given to me because I had fallen from the top of the house to the bottom without breaking my neck. The rocking-horse was very well then, but I don't care now to have one bestowed upon me for any such reason." "Still, if the rocking-horse is in itself a good rocking-horse--" "But it isn't." "I don't mean to say a word against your decision." "It isn't good. It is one of those toys which look to be so very desirable in the shop-windows, but which give no satisfaction when they are brought home. I'll tell you what occurred the other day. The circumstances happen to be known to me, though I cannot tell you my authority. My dear old friend Laurence Fitzgibbon, in the performance of his official duties, had to give an opinion on a matter affecting an expenditure of some thirty or forty thousand pounds of public money. I don't think that Laurence has generally a very strong bias this way or that on such questions, but in the case in question he took upon himself to be very decided. He wrote, or got some one to write, a report proving that the service of the country imperatively demanded that the money should be spent, and in doing so was strictly within his duty." "I am glad to hear that he can be so energetic." "The Chancellor of the Exchequer got hold of the matter, and told Fitzgibbon that the thing couldn't be done." "That was all right and constitutional, I suppose." "Quite right and constitutional. But something had to be said about it in the House, and Laurence, with all his usual fluency and beautiful Irish brogue, got up and explained that the money would be absolutely thrown away if expended on a purpose so futile as that proposed. I am assured that the great capacity which he has thus shown for official work and official life will cover a multitude of sins." "You would hardly have taken Mr. Fitzgibbon as your model statesman." "Certainly not;--and if the story affected him only it would hardly be worth telling. But the point of it lies in this;--that he disgusted no one by what he did. The Chancellor of the Exchequer thinks him a very convenient man to have about him, and Mr. Gresham feels the comfort of possessing tools so pliable." "Do you think that public life then is altogether a mistake, Mr. Finn?" "For a poor man I think that it is, in this country. A man of fortune may be independent; and because he has the power of independence those who are higher than he will not expect him to be subservient. A man who takes to parliamentary office for a living may live by it, but he will have but a dog's life of it." "If I were you, Mr. Finn, I certainly would not choose a dog's life." He said not a word to her on that occasion about herself, having made up his mind that a certain period of the following day should be chosen for the purpose, and he had hardly yet arranged in his mind what words he would use on that occasion. It seemed to him that there would be so much to be said that he must settle beforehand some order of saying it. It was not as though he had merely to tell her of his love. There had been talk of love between them before, on which occasion he had been compelled to tell her that he could not accept that which she offered to him. It would be impossible, he knew, not to refer to that former conversation. And then he had to tell her that he, now coming to her as a suitor and knowing her to be a very rich woman, was himself all but penniless. He was sure, or almost sure, that she was as well aware of this fact as he was himself; but, nevertheless, it was necessary that he should tell her of it,--and if possible so tell her as to force her to believe him when he assured her that he asked her to be his wife, not because she was rich, but because he loved her. It was impossible that all this should be said as they sat side by side in the drawing-room with a crowd of people almost within hearing, and Madame Goesler had just been called upon to play, which she always did directly she was asked. He was invited to make up a rubber, but he could not bring himself to care for cards at the present moment. So he sat apart and listened to the music. If all things went right with him to-morrow that music,--or the musician who made it,--would be his own for the rest of his life. Was he justified in expecting that she would give him so much? Of her great regard for him as a friend he had no doubt. She had shown it in various ways, and after a fashion that had made it known to all the world. But so had Lady Laura regarded him when he first told her of his love at Loughlinter. She had been his dearest friend, but she had declined to become his wife; and it had been partly so with Violet Effingham, whose friendship to him had been so sweet as to make him for a while almost think that there was more than friendship. Marie Goesler had certainly once loved him;--but so had he once loved Laura Standish. He had been wretched for a while because Lady Laura had refused him. His feelings now were altogether changed, and why should not the feelings of Madame Goesler have undergone a similar change? There was no doubt of her friendship; but then neither was there any doubt of his for Lady Laura. And in spite of her friendship, would not revenge be dear to her,--revenge of that nature which a slighted woman must always desire? He had rejected her, and would it not be fair also that he should be rejected? "I suppose you'll be in your own room before lunch to-morrow," he said to her as they separated for the night. It had come to pass from the constancy of her visits to Matching in the old Duke's time, that a certain small morning-room had been devoted to her, and this was still supposed to be her property,--so that she was not driven to herd with the public or to remain in her bedroom during all the hours of the morning. "Yes," she said; "I shall go out immediately after breakfast, but I shall soon be driven in by the heat, and then I shall be there till lunch. The Duchess always comes about half-past twelve, to complain generally of the guests." She answered him quite at her ease, making arrangement for privacy if he should desire it, but doing so as though she thought that he wanted to talk to her about his trial, or about politics, or the place he had just refused. Surely she would hardly have answered him after such a fashion had she suspected that he intended to ask her to be his wife. At a little before noon the next morning he knocked at her door, and was told to enter. "I didn't go out after all," she said. "I hadn't courage to face the sun." "I saw that you were not in the garden." "If I could have found you I would have told you that I should be here all the morning. I might have sent you a message, only--only I didn't." "I have come--" "I know why you have come." "I doubt that. I have come to tell you that I love you." "Oh Phineas;--at last, at last!" And in a moment she was in his arms. It seemed to him that from that moment all the explanations, and all the statements, and most of the assurances were made by her and not by him. After this first embrace he found himself seated beside her, holding her hand. "I do not know that I am right," said he. "Why not right?" "Because you are rich and I have nothing." "If you ever remind me of that again I will strike you," she said, raising up her little fist and bringing it down with gentle pressure on his shoulder. "Between you and me there must be nothing more about that. It must be an even partnership. There must be ever so much about money, and you'll have to go into dreadful details, and make journeys to Vienna to see that the houses don't tumble down;--but there must be no question between you and me of whence it came." "You will not think that I have to come to you for that?" "Have you ever known me to have a low opinion of myself? Is it probable that I shall account myself to be personally so mean and of so little value as to imagine that you cannot love me? I know you love me. But Phineas, I have not been sure till very lately that you would ever tell me so. As for me--! Oh, heavens! when I think of it." "Tell me that you love me now." "I think I have said so plainly enough. I have never ceased to love you since I first knew you well enough for love. And I'll tell you more,--though perhaps I shall say what you will think condemns me;--you are the only man I ever loved. My husband was very good to me,--and I was, I think, good to him. But he was many years my senior, and I cannot say I loved him,--as I do you." Then she turned to him, and put her head on his shoulder. "And I loved the old Duke, too, after a fashion. But it was a different thing from this. I will tell you something about him some day that I have never yet told to a human being." "Tell me now." "No; not till I am your wife. You must trust me. But I will tell you," she said, "lest you should be miserable. He asked me to be his wife." "The old Duke?" "Yes, indeed, and I refused to be a--duchess. Lady Glencora knew it all, and, just at the time I was breaking my heart,--like a fool, for you! Yes, for you! But I got over it, and am not broken-hearted a bit. Oh, Phineas, I am so happy now." Exactly at the time she had mentioned on the previous evening, at half-past twelve, the door was opened, and the Duchess entered the room. "Oh dear," she exclaimed, "perhaps I am in the way; perhaps I am interrupting secrets." "No, Duchess." "Shall I retire? I will at once if there be anything confidential going on." "It has gone on already, and been completed," said Madame Goesler rising from her seat. "It is only a trifle. Mr. Finn has asked me to be his wife." "Well?" "I couldn't refuse Mr. Finn a little thing like that." "I should think not, after going all the way to Prague to find a latch-key! I congratulate you, Mr. Finn, with all my heart." "Thanks, Duchess." "And when is it to be?" "We have not thought about that yet, Mr. Finn,--have we?" said Madame Goesler. "Adelaide Palliser is going to be married from here some time in the autumn," said the Duchess, "and you two had better take advantage of the occasion." This plan, however, was considered as being too rapid and rash. Marriage is a very serious affair, and many things would require arrangement. A lady with the wealth which belonged to Madame Goesler cannot bestow herself off-hand as may a curate's daughter, let her be ever so willing to give her money as well as herself. It was impossible that a day should be fixed quite at once; but the Duchess was allowed to understand that the affair might be mentioned. Before dinner on that day every one of the guests at Matching Priory knew that the man who had refused to be made Under-Secretary of State had been accepted by that possessor of fabulous wealth who was well known to the world as Madame Goesler of Park Lane. "I am very glad that you did not take office under Mr. Gresham," she said to him when they first met each other again in London. "Of course when I was advising you I could not be sure that this would happen. Now you can bide your time, and if the opportunity offers you can go to work under better auspices." CHAPTER LXXX. CONCLUSION. There remains to us the very easy task of collecting together the ends of the thread of our narrative, and tying them into a simple knot, so that there may be no unravelling. Of Mr. Emilius it has been already said that his good fortune clung to him so far that it was found impossible to connect him with the tragedy of Bolton Row. But he was made to vanish for a certain number of years from the world, and dear little Lizzie Eustace was left a free woman. When last we heard of her she was at Naples, and there was then a rumour that she was about to join her fate to that of Lord George de Bruce Carruthers, with whom pecuniary matters had lately not been going comfortably. Let us hope that the match, should it be a match, may lead to the happiness and respectability of both of them. As all the world knows, Lord and Lady Chiltern still live at Harrington Hall, and he has been considered to do very well with the Brake country. He still grumbles about Trumpeton Wood, and says that it will take a lifetime to repair the injuries done by Mr. Fothergill;--but then who ever knew a Master of Hounds who wasn't ill-treated by the owners of coverts? Of Mr. Tom Spooner it can only be said that he is still a bachelor, living with his cousin Ned, and that none of the neighbours expect to see a lady at Spoon Hall. In one winter, after the period of his misfortune, he became slack about his hunting, and there were rumours that he was carrying out that terrible threat of his as to the crusade which he would go to find a cure for his love. But his cousin took him in hand somewhat sharply, made him travel abroad during the summer, and brought him out the next season, "as fresh as paint," as the members of the Brake Hunt declared. It was known to every sportsman in the country that poor Mr. Spooner had been in love; but the affair was allowed to be a mystery, and no one ever spoke to Spooner himself upon the subject. It is probable that he now reaps no slight amount of gratification from his memory of the romance. The marriage between Gerard Maule and Adelaide Palliser was celebrated with great glory at Matching, and was mentioned in all the leading papers as an alliance in high life. When it became known to Mr. Maule, Senior, that this would be so, and that the lady would have a very considerable fortune from the old Duke, he reconciled himself to the marriage altogether, and at once gave way in that matter of Maule Abbey. Nothing he thought would be more suitable than that the young people should live at the old family place. So Maule Abbey was fitted up, and Mr. and Mrs. Maule have taken up their residence there. Under the influence of his wife he has promised to attend to his farming, and proposes to do no more than go out and see the hounds when they come into his neighbourhood. Let us hope that he may prosper. Should the farming come to a good end more will probably have been due to his wife's enterprise than to his own. The energetic father is, as all the world knows, now in pursuit of a widow with three thousand a year who has lately come out in Cavendish Square. Of poor Lord Fawn no good account can be given. To his thinking, official life had none of those drawbacks with which the fantastic feelings of Phineas Finn had invested it. He could have been happy for ever at the India Board or at the Colonial Office;--but his life was made a burden to him by the affair of the Bonteen murder. He was charged with having nearly led | rejected | How many times the word 'rejected' appears in the text? | 2 |
won't drink any wine we might as well go into the other room." Nothing had as yet been said on either of the subjects which had brought him to Saulsby, but there had been words which made the introduction of them peculiarly unpleasant. His tidings, however, must be told. "I shall not see Lord Brentford to-night?" he asked, when they were together in the drawing-room. "If you wish it you can go up to him. He will not come down." "Oh, no. It is only because I must return to-morrow." "To-morrow, Phineas!" "I must do so. I have pledged myself to see Mr. Monk,--and others also." "It is a short visit to make to us on my first return home! I hardly expected you at Loughlinter, but I thought that you might have remained a few nights under my father's roof." He could only reassert his assurance that he was bound to be back in London, and explain as best he might that he had come to Saulsby for a single night, only because he would not refuse her request to him. "I will not trouble you, Phineas, by complaints," she said. "I would give you no cause for complaint if I could avoid it." "And now tell me what has passed between you and Mr. Gresham," she said as soon as the servant had given them coffee. They were sitting by a window which opened down to the ground, and led on to the terrace and to the lawns below. The night was soft, and the air was heavy with the scent of many flowers. It was now past nine, and the sun had set; but there was a bright harvest moon, and the light, though pale, was clear as that of day. "Will you come and take a turn round the garden? We shall be better there than sitting here. I will get my hat; can I find yours for you?" So they both strolled out, down the terrace steps, and went forth, beyond the gardens, into the park, as though they had both intended from the first that it should be so. "I know you have not accepted Mr. Gresham's offer, or you would have told me so." "I have not accepted." "Nor have you refused?" "No; it is still open. I must send my answer by telegram to-morrow--Yes or No,--Mr. Gresham's time is too precious to admit of more." "Phineas, for Heaven's sake do not allow little feelings to injure you at such a time as this. It is of your own career, not of Mr. Gresham's manners, that you should think." "I have nothing to object to in Mr. Gresham. Yes or No will be quite sufficient." "It must be Yes." "It cannot be Yes, Lady Laura. That which I desired so ardently six months ago has now become so distasteful to me that I cannot accept it. There is an amount of hustling on the Treasury Bench which makes a seat there almost ignominious." "Do they hustle more than they did three years ago?" "I think they do, or if not it is more conspicuous to my eyes. I do not say that it need be ignominious. To such a one as was Mr. Palliser it certainly is not so. But it becomes so when a man goes there to get his bread, and has to fight his way as though for bare life. When office first comes, unasked for, almost unexpected, full of the charms which distance lends, it is pleasant enough. The new-comer begins to feel that he too is entitled to rub his shoulders among those who rule the world of Great Britain. But when it has been expected, longed for as I longed for it, asked for by my friends and refused, when all the world comes to know that you are a suitor for that which should come without any suit,--then the pleasantness vanishes." "I thought it was to be your career." "And I hoped so." "What will you do, Phineas? You cannot live without an income." "I must try," he said, laughing. "You will not share with your friend, as a friend should?" "No, Lady Laura. That cannot be done." "I do not see why it cannot. Then you might be independent." "Then I should indeed be dependent." "You are too proud to owe me anything." He wanted to tell her that he was too proud to owe such obligation as she had suggested to any man or any woman; but he hardly knew how to do so, intending as he did to inform her before they returned to the house of his intention to ask Madame Goesler to be his wife. He could discern the difference between enjoying his wife's fortune and taking gifts of money from one who was bound to him by no tie;--but to her in her present mood he could explain no such distinction. On a sudden he rushed at the matter in his mind. It had to be done, and must be done before he brought her back to the house. He was conscious that he had in no degree ill-used her. He had in nothing deceived her. He had kept back from her nothing which the truest friendship had called upon him to reveal to her. And yet he knew that her indignation would rise hot within her at his first word. "Laura," he said, forgetting in his confusion to remember her rank, "I had better tell you at once that I have determined to ask Madame Goesler to be my wife." "Oh, then;--of course your income is certain." "If you choose to regard my conduct in that light I cannot help it. I do not think that I deserve such reproach." "Why not tell it all? You are engaged to her?" "Not so. I have not asked her yet." "And why do you come to me with the story of your intentions,--to me of all persons in the world? I sometimes think that of all the hearts that ever dwelt within a man's bosom yours is the hardest." "For God's sake do not say that of me." "Do you remember when you came to me about Violet,--to me,--to me? I could bear it then because she was good and earnest, and a woman that I could love even though she robbed me. And I strove for you even against my own heart,--against my own brother. I did; I did. But how am I to bear it now? What shall I do now? She is a woman I loathe." "Because you do not know her." "Not know her! And are your eyes so clear at seeing that you must know her better than others? She was the Duke's mistress." "That is untrue, Lady Laura." "But what difference does it make to me? I shall be sure that you will have bread to eat, and horses to ride, and a seat in Parliament without being forced to earn it by your labour. We shall meet no more, of course." "I do not think that you can mean that." "I will never receive that woman, nor will I cross the sill of her door. Why should I?" "Should she become my wife,--that I would have thought might have been the reason why." "Surely, Phineas, no man ever understood a woman so ill as you do." "Because I would fain hope that I need not quarrel with my oldest friend?" "Yes, sir; because you think you can do this without quarrelling. How should I speak to her of you; how listen to what she would tell me? Phineas, you have killed me at last." Why could he not tell her that it was she who had done the wrong when she gave her hand to Robert Kennedy? But he could not tell her, and he was dumb. "And so it's settled!" "No; not settled." "Psha! I hate your mock modesty! It is settled. You have become far too cautious to risk fortune in such an adventure. Practice has taught you to be perfect. It was to tell me this that you came down here." "Partly so." "It would have been more generous of you, sir, to have remained away." "I did not mean to be ungenerous." Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck, and burying her face upon his bosom. They were at the moment in the centre of the park, on the grass beneath the trees, and the moon was bright over their heads. He held her to his breast while she sobbed, and then relaxed his hold as she raised herself to look into his face. After a moment she took his hat from his head with one hand, and with the other swept the hair back from his brow. "Oh, Phineas," she said, "Oh, my darling! My idol that I have worshipped when I should have worshipped my God!" [Illustration: Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck.] After that they roamed for nearly an hour backwards and forwards beneath the trees, till at last she became calm and almost reasonable. She acknowledged that she had long expected such a marriage, looking forward to it as a great sorrow. She repeated over and over again her assertion that she could not "know" Madame Goesler as the wife of Phineas, but abstained from further evil words respecting the lady. "It is better that we should be apart," she said at last. "I feel that it is better. When we are both old, if I should live, we may meet again. I knew that it was coming, and we had better part." And yet they remained out there, wandering about the park for a long portion of the summer night. She did not reproach him again, nor did she speak much of the future; but she alluded to all the incidents of their past life, showing him that nothing which he had done, no words which he had spoken, had been forgotten by her. "Of course it has been my fault," she said, as at last she parted with him in the drawing-room. "When I was younger I did not understand how strong the heart can be. I should have known it, and I pay for my ignorance with the penalty of my whole life." Then he left her, kissing her on both cheeks and on her brow, and went to his bedroom with the understanding that he would start for London on the following morning before she was up. CHAPTER LXXIX. AT LAST--AT LAST. As he took his ticket Phineas sent his message to the Prime Minister, taking that personage literally at his word. The message was, No. When writing it in the office it seemed to him to be uncourteous, but he found it difficult to add any other words that should make it less so. He supplemented it with a letter on his arrival in London, in which he expressed his regret that certain circumstances of his life which had occurred during the last month or two made him unfit to undertake the duties of the very pleasant office to which Mr. Gresham had kindly offered to appoint him. That done, he remained in town but one night, and then set his face again towards Matching. When he reached that place it was already known that he had refused to accept Mr. Gresham's offer, and he was met at once with regrets and condolements. "I am sorry that it must be so," said the Duke,--who was sorry, for he liked the man, but who said not a word more upon the subject. "You are still young, and will have further opportunities," said Lord Cantrip, "but I wish that you could have consented to come back to your old chair." "I hope that at any rate we shall not have you against us," said Sir Harry Coldfoot. Among themselves they declared one to another that he had been so completely upset by his imprisonment and subsequent trial as to be unable to undertake the work proposed to him. "It is not a very nice thing, you know, to be accused of murder," said Sir Gregory, "and to pass a month or two under the full conviction that you are going to be hung. He'll come right again some day. I only hope it may not be too late." "So you have decided for freedom?" said Madame Goesler to him that evening,--the evening of the day on which he had returned. "Yes, indeed." "I have nothing to say against your decision now. No doubt your feelings have prompted you right." "Now that it is done, of course I am full of regrets," said Phineas. "That is simple human nature, I suppose." "Simple enough; and the worst of it is that I cannot quite explain even to myself why I have done it. Every friend I had in the world told me that I was wrong, and yet I could not help myself. The thing was offered to me, not because I was thought to be fit for it, but because I had become wonderful by being brought near to a violent death! I remember once, when I was a child, having a rocking-horse given to me because I had fallen from the top of the house to the bottom without breaking my neck. The rocking-horse was very well then, but I don't care now to have one bestowed upon me for any such reason." "Still, if the rocking-horse is in itself a good rocking-horse--" "But it isn't." "I don't mean to say a word against your decision." "It isn't good. It is one of those toys which look to be so very desirable in the shop-windows, but which give no satisfaction when they are brought home. I'll tell you what occurred the other day. The circumstances happen to be known to me, though I cannot tell you my authority. My dear old friend Laurence Fitzgibbon, in the performance of his official duties, had to give an opinion on a matter affecting an expenditure of some thirty or forty thousand pounds of public money. I don't think that Laurence has generally a very strong bias this way or that on such questions, but in the case in question he took upon himself to be very decided. He wrote, or got some one to write, a report proving that the service of the country imperatively demanded that the money should be spent, and in doing so was strictly within his duty." "I am glad to hear that he can be so energetic." "The Chancellor of the Exchequer got hold of the matter, and told Fitzgibbon that the thing couldn't be done." "That was all right and constitutional, I suppose." "Quite right and constitutional. But something had to be said about it in the House, and Laurence, with all his usual fluency and beautiful Irish brogue, got up and explained that the money would be absolutely thrown away if expended on a purpose so futile as that proposed. I am assured that the great capacity which he has thus shown for official work and official life will cover a multitude of sins." "You would hardly have taken Mr. Fitzgibbon as your model statesman." "Certainly not;--and if the story affected him only it would hardly be worth telling. But the point of it lies in this;--that he disgusted no one by what he did. The Chancellor of the Exchequer thinks him a very convenient man to have about him, and Mr. Gresham feels the comfort of possessing tools so pliable." "Do you think that public life then is altogether a mistake, Mr. Finn?" "For a poor man I think that it is, in this country. A man of fortune may be independent; and because he has the power of independence those who are higher than he will not expect him to be subservient. A man who takes to parliamentary office for a living may live by it, but he will have but a dog's life of it." "If I were you, Mr. Finn, I certainly would not choose a dog's life." He said not a word to her on that occasion about herself, having made up his mind that a certain period of the following day should be chosen for the purpose, and he had hardly yet arranged in his mind what words he would use on that occasion. It seemed to him that there would be so much to be said that he must settle beforehand some order of saying it. It was not as though he had merely to tell her of his love. There had been talk of love between them before, on which occasion he had been compelled to tell her that he could not accept that which she offered to him. It would be impossible, he knew, not to refer to that former conversation. And then he had to tell her that he, now coming to her as a suitor and knowing her to be a very rich woman, was himself all but penniless. He was sure, or almost sure, that she was as well aware of this fact as he was himself; but, nevertheless, it was necessary that he should tell her of it,--and if possible so tell her as to force her to believe him when he assured her that he asked her to be his wife, not because she was rich, but because he loved her. It was impossible that all this should be said as they sat side by side in the drawing-room with a crowd of people almost within hearing, and Madame Goesler had just been called upon to play, which she always did directly she was asked. He was invited to make up a rubber, but he could not bring himself to care for cards at the present moment. So he sat apart and listened to the music. If all things went right with him to-morrow that music,--or the musician who made it,--would be his own for the rest of his life. Was he justified in expecting that she would give him so much? Of her great regard for him as a friend he had no doubt. She had shown it in various ways, and after a fashion that had made it known to all the world. But so had Lady Laura regarded him when he first told her of his love at Loughlinter. She had been his dearest friend, but she had declined to become his wife; and it had been partly so with Violet Effingham, whose friendship to him had been so sweet as to make him for a while almost think that there was more than friendship. Marie Goesler had certainly once loved him;--but so had he once loved Laura Standish. He had been wretched for a while because Lady Laura had refused him. His feelings now were altogether changed, and why should not the feelings of Madame Goesler have undergone a similar change? There was no doubt of her friendship; but then neither was there any doubt of his for Lady Laura. And in spite of her friendship, would not revenge be dear to her,--revenge of that nature which a slighted woman must always desire? He had rejected her, and would it not be fair also that he should be rejected? "I suppose you'll be in your own room before lunch to-morrow," he said to her as they separated for the night. It had come to pass from the constancy of her visits to Matching in the old Duke's time, that a certain small morning-room had been devoted to her, and this was still supposed to be her property,--so that she was not driven to herd with the public or to remain in her bedroom during all the hours of the morning. "Yes," she said; "I shall go out immediately after breakfast, but I shall soon be driven in by the heat, and then I shall be there till lunch. The Duchess always comes about half-past twelve, to complain generally of the guests." She answered him quite at her ease, making arrangement for privacy if he should desire it, but doing so as though she thought that he wanted to talk to her about his trial, or about politics, or the place he had just refused. Surely she would hardly have answered him after such a fashion had she suspected that he intended to ask her to be his wife. At a little before noon the next morning he knocked at her door, and was told to enter. "I didn't go out after all," she said. "I hadn't courage to face the sun." "I saw that you were not in the garden." "If I could have found you I would have told you that I should be here all the morning. I might have sent you a message, only--only I didn't." "I have come--" "I know why you have come." "I doubt that. I have come to tell you that I love you." "Oh Phineas;--at last, at last!" And in a moment she was in his arms. It seemed to him that from that moment all the explanations, and all the statements, and most of the assurances were made by her and not by him. After this first embrace he found himself seated beside her, holding her hand. "I do not know that I am right," said he. "Why not right?" "Because you are rich and I have nothing." "If you ever remind me of that again I will strike you," she said, raising up her little fist and bringing it down with gentle pressure on his shoulder. "Between you and me there must be nothing more about that. It must be an even partnership. There must be ever so much about money, and you'll have to go into dreadful details, and make journeys to Vienna to see that the houses don't tumble down;--but there must be no question between you and me of whence it came." "You will not think that I have to come to you for that?" "Have you ever known me to have a low opinion of myself? Is it probable that I shall account myself to be personally so mean and of so little value as to imagine that you cannot love me? I know you love me. But Phineas, I have not been sure till very lately that you would ever tell me so. As for me--! Oh, heavens! when I think of it." "Tell me that you love me now." "I think I have said so plainly enough. I have never ceased to love you since I first knew you well enough for love. And I'll tell you more,--though perhaps I shall say what you will think condemns me;--you are the only man I ever loved. My husband was very good to me,--and I was, I think, good to him. But he was many years my senior, and I cannot say I loved him,--as I do you." Then she turned to him, and put her head on his shoulder. "And I loved the old Duke, too, after a fashion. But it was a different thing from this. I will tell you something about him some day that I have never yet told to a human being." "Tell me now." "No; not till I am your wife. You must trust me. But I will tell you," she said, "lest you should be miserable. He asked me to be his wife." "The old Duke?" "Yes, indeed, and I refused to be a--duchess. Lady Glencora knew it all, and, just at the time I was breaking my heart,--like a fool, for you! Yes, for you! But I got over it, and am not broken-hearted a bit. Oh, Phineas, I am so happy now." Exactly at the time she had mentioned on the previous evening, at half-past twelve, the door was opened, and the Duchess entered the room. "Oh dear," she exclaimed, "perhaps I am in the way; perhaps I am interrupting secrets." "No, Duchess." "Shall I retire? I will at once if there be anything confidential going on." "It has gone on already, and been completed," said Madame Goesler rising from her seat. "It is only a trifle. Mr. Finn has asked me to be his wife." "Well?" "I couldn't refuse Mr. Finn a little thing like that." "I should think not, after going all the way to Prague to find a latch-key! I congratulate you, Mr. Finn, with all my heart." "Thanks, Duchess." "And when is it to be?" "We have not thought about that yet, Mr. Finn,--have we?" said Madame Goesler. "Adelaide Palliser is going to be married from here some time in the autumn," said the Duchess, "and you two had better take advantage of the occasion." This plan, however, was considered as being too rapid and rash. Marriage is a very serious affair, and many things would require arrangement. A lady with the wealth which belonged to Madame Goesler cannot bestow herself off-hand as may a curate's daughter, let her be ever so willing to give her money as well as herself. It was impossible that a day should be fixed quite at once; but the Duchess was allowed to understand that the affair might be mentioned. Before dinner on that day every one of the guests at Matching Priory knew that the man who had refused to be made Under-Secretary of State had been accepted by that possessor of fabulous wealth who was well known to the world as Madame Goesler of Park Lane. "I am very glad that you did not take office under Mr. Gresham," she said to him when they first met each other again in London. "Of course when I was advising you I could not be sure that this would happen. Now you can bide your time, and if the opportunity offers you can go to work under better auspices." CHAPTER LXXX. CONCLUSION. There remains to us the very easy task of collecting together the ends of the thread of our narrative, and tying them into a simple knot, so that there may be no unravelling. Of Mr. Emilius it has been already said that his good fortune clung to him so far that it was found impossible to connect him with the tragedy of Bolton Row. But he was made to vanish for a certain number of years from the world, and dear little Lizzie Eustace was left a free woman. When last we heard of her she was at Naples, and there was then a rumour that she was about to join her fate to that of Lord George de Bruce Carruthers, with whom pecuniary matters had lately not been going comfortably. Let us hope that the match, should it be a match, may lead to the happiness and respectability of both of them. As all the world knows, Lord and Lady Chiltern still live at Harrington Hall, and he has been considered to do very well with the Brake country. He still grumbles about Trumpeton Wood, and says that it will take a lifetime to repair the injuries done by Mr. Fothergill;--but then who ever knew a Master of Hounds who wasn't ill-treated by the owners of coverts? Of Mr. Tom Spooner it can only be said that he is still a bachelor, living with his cousin Ned, and that none of the neighbours expect to see a lady at Spoon Hall. In one winter, after the period of his misfortune, he became slack about his hunting, and there were rumours that he was carrying out that terrible threat of his as to the crusade which he would go to find a cure for his love. But his cousin took him in hand somewhat sharply, made him travel abroad during the summer, and brought him out the next season, "as fresh as paint," as the members of the Brake Hunt declared. It was known to every sportsman in the country that poor Mr. Spooner had been in love; but the affair was allowed to be a mystery, and no one ever spoke to Spooner himself upon the subject. It is probable that he now reaps no slight amount of gratification from his memory of the romance. The marriage between Gerard Maule and Adelaide Palliser was celebrated with great glory at Matching, and was mentioned in all the leading papers as an alliance in high life. When it became known to Mr. Maule, Senior, that this would be so, and that the lady would have a very considerable fortune from the old Duke, he reconciled himself to the marriage altogether, and at once gave way in that matter of Maule Abbey. Nothing he thought would be more suitable than that the young people should live at the old family place. So Maule Abbey was fitted up, and Mr. and Mrs. Maule have taken up their residence there. Under the influence of his wife he has promised to attend to his farming, and proposes to do no more than go out and see the hounds when they come into his neighbourhood. Let us hope that he may prosper. Should the farming come to a good end more will probably have been due to his wife's enterprise than to his own. The energetic father is, as all the world knows, now in pursuit of a widow with three thousand a year who has lately come out in Cavendish Square. Of poor Lord Fawn no good account can be given. To his thinking, official life had none of those drawbacks with which the fantastic feelings of Phineas Finn had invested it. He could have been happy for ever at the India Board or at the Colonial Office;--but his life was made a burden to him by the affair of the Bonteen murder. He was charged with having nearly led | those | How many times the word 'those' appears in the text? | 2 |
won't drink any wine we might as well go into the other room." Nothing had as yet been said on either of the subjects which had brought him to Saulsby, but there had been words which made the introduction of them peculiarly unpleasant. His tidings, however, must be told. "I shall not see Lord Brentford to-night?" he asked, when they were together in the drawing-room. "If you wish it you can go up to him. He will not come down." "Oh, no. It is only because I must return to-morrow." "To-morrow, Phineas!" "I must do so. I have pledged myself to see Mr. Monk,--and others also." "It is a short visit to make to us on my first return home! I hardly expected you at Loughlinter, but I thought that you might have remained a few nights under my father's roof." He could only reassert his assurance that he was bound to be back in London, and explain as best he might that he had come to Saulsby for a single night, only because he would not refuse her request to him. "I will not trouble you, Phineas, by complaints," she said. "I would give you no cause for complaint if I could avoid it." "And now tell me what has passed between you and Mr. Gresham," she said as soon as the servant had given them coffee. They were sitting by a window which opened down to the ground, and led on to the terrace and to the lawns below. The night was soft, and the air was heavy with the scent of many flowers. It was now past nine, and the sun had set; but there was a bright harvest moon, and the light, though pale, was clear as that of day. "Will you come and take a turn round the garden? We shall be better there than sitting here. I will get my hat; can I find yours for you?" So they both strolled out, down the terrace steps, and went forth, beyond the gardens, into the park, as though they had both intended from the first that it should be so. "I know you have not accepted Mr. Gresham's offer, or you would have told me so." "I have not accepted." "Nor have you refused?" "No; it is still open. I must send my answer by telegram to-morrow--Yes or No,--Mr. Gresham's time is too precious to admit of more." "Phineas, for Heaven's sake do not allow little feelings to injure you at such a time as this. It is of your own career, not of Mr. Gresham's manners, that you should think." "I have nothing to object to in Mr. Gresham. Yes or No will be quite sufficient." "It must be Yes." "It cannot be Yes, Lady Laura. That which I desired so ardently six months ago has now become so distasteful to me that I cannot accept it. There is an amount of hustling on the Treasury Bench which makes a seat there almost ignominious." "Do they hustle more than they did three years ago?" "I think they do, or if not it is more conspicuous to my eyes. I do not say that it need be ignominious. To such a one as was Mr. Palliser it certainly is not so. But it becomes so when a man goes there to get his bread, and has to fight his way as though for bare life. When office first comes, unasked for, almost unexpected, full of the charms which distance lends, it is pleasant enough. The new-comer begins to feel that he too is entitled to rub his shoulders among those who rule the world of Great Britain. But when it has been expected, longed for as I longed for it, asked for by my friends and refused, when all the world comes to know that you are a suitor for that which should come without any suit,--then the pleasantness vanishes." "I thought it was to be your career." "And I hoped so." "What will you do, Phineas? You cannot live without an income." "I must try," he said, laughing. "You will not share with your friend, as a friend should?" "No, Lady Laura. That cannot be done." "I do not see why it cannot. Then you might be independent." "Then I should indeed be dependent." "You are too proud to owe me anything." He wanted to tell her that he was too proud to owe such obligation as she had suggested to any man or any woman; but he hardly knew how to do so, intending as he did to inform her before they returned to the house of his intention to ask Madame Goesler to be his wife. He could discern the difference between enjoying his wife's fortune and taking gifts of money from one who was bound to him by no tie;--but to her in her present mood he could explain no such distinction. On a sudden he rushed at the matter in his mind. It had to be done, and must be done before he brought her back to the house. He was conscious that he had in no degree ill-used her. He had in nothing deceived her. He had kept back from her nothing which the truest friendship had called upon him to reveal to her. And yet he knew that her indignation would rise hot within her at his first word. "Laura," he said, forgetting in his confusion to remember her rank, "I had better tell you at once that I have determined to ask Madame Goesler to be my wife." "Oh, then;--of course your income is certain." "If you choose to regard my conduct in that light I cannot help it. I do not think that I deserve such reproach." "Why not tell it all? You are engaged to her?" "Not so. I have not asked her yet." "And why do you come to me with the story of your intentions,--to me of all persons in the world? I sometimes think that of all the hearts that ever dwelt within a man's bosom yours is the hardest." "For God's sake do not say that of me." "Do you remember when you came to me about Violet,--to me,--to me? I could bear it then because she was good and earnest, and a woman that I could love even though she robbed me. And I strove for you even against my own heart,--against my own brother. I did; I did. But how am I to bear it now? What shall I do now? She is a woman I loathe." "Because you do not know her." "Not know her! And are your eyes so clear at seeing that you must know her better than others? She was the Duke's mistress." "That is untrue, Lady Laura." "But what difference does it make to me? I shall be sure that you will have bread to eat, and horses to ride, and a seat in Parliament without being forced to earn it by your labour. We shall meet no more, of course." "I do not think that you can mean that." "I will never receive that woman, nor will I cross the sill of her door. Why should I?" "Should she become my wife,--that I would have thought might have been the reason why." "Surely, Phineas, no man ever understood a woman so ill as you do." "Because I would fain hope that I need not quarrel with my oldest friend?" "Yes, sir; because you think you can do this without quarrelling. How should I speak to her of you; how listen to what she would tell me? Phineas, you have killed me at last." Why could he not tell her that it was she who had done the wrong when she gave her hand to Robert Kennedy? But he could not tell her, and he was dumb. "And so it's settled!" "No; not settled." "Psha! I hate your mock modesty! It is settled. You have become far too cautious to risk fortune in such an adventure. Practice has taught you to be perfect. It was to tell me this that you came down here." "Partly so." "It would have been more generous of you, sir, to have remained away." "I did not mean to be ungenerous." Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck, and burying her face upon his bosom. They were at the moment in the centre of the park, on the grass beneath the trees, and the moon was bright over their heads. He held her to his breast while she sobbed, and then relaxed his hold as she raised herself to look into his face. After a moment she took his hat from his head with one hand, and with the other swept the hair back from his brow. "Oh, Phineas," she said, "Oh, my darling! My idol that I have worshipped when I should have worshipped my God!" [Illustration: Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck.] After that they roamed for nearly an hour backwards and forwards beneath the trees, till at last she became calm and almost reasonable. She acknowledged that she had long expected such a marriage, looking forward to it as a great sorrow. She repeated over and over again her assertion that she could not "know" Madame Goesler as the wife of Phineas, but abstained from further evil words respecting the lady. "It is better that we should be apart," she said at last. "I feel that it is better. When we are both old, if I should live, we may meet again. I knew that it was coming, and we had better part." And yet they remained out there, wandering about the park for a long portion of the summer night. She did not reproach him again, nor did she speak much of the future; but she alluded to all the incidents of their past life, showing him that nothing which he had done, no words which he had spoken, had been forgotten by her. "Of course it has been my fault," she said, as at last she parted with him in the drawing-room. "When I was younger I did not understand how strong the heart can be. I should have known it, and I pay for my ignorance with the penalty of my whole life." Then he left her, kissing her on both cheeks and on her brow, and went to his bedroom with the understanding that he would start for London on the following morning before she was up. CHAPTER LXXIX. AT LAST--AT LAST. As he took his ticket Phineas sent his message to the Prime Minister, taking that personage literally at his word. The message was, No. When writing it in the office it seemed to him to be uncourteous, but he found it difficult to add any other words that should make it less so. He supplemented it with a letter on his arrival in London, in which he expressed his regret that certain circumstances of his life which had occurred during the last month or two made him unfit to undertake the duties of the very pleasant office to which Mr. Gresham had kindly offered to appoint him. That done, he remained in town but one night, and then set his face again towards Matching. When he reached that place it was already known that he had refused to accept Mr. Gresham's offer, and he was met at once with regrets and condolements. "I am sorry that it must be so," said the Duke,--who was sorry, for he liked the man, but who said not a word more upon the subject. "You are still young, and will have further opportunities," said Lord Cantrip, "but I wish that you could have consented to come back to your old chair." "I hope that at any rate we shall not have you against us," said Sir Harry Coldfoot. Among themselves they declared one to another that he had been so completely upset by his imprisonment and subsequent trial as to be unable to undertake the work proposed to him. "It is not a very nice thing, you know, to be accused of murder," said Sir Gregory, "and to pass a month or two under the full conviction that you are going to be hung. He'll come right again some day. I only hope it may not be too late." "So you have decided for freedom?" said Madame Goesler to him that evening,--the evening of the day on which he had returned. "Yes, indeed." "I have nothing to say against your decision now. No doubt your feelings have prompted you right." "Now that it is done, of course I am full of regrets," said Phineas. "That is simple human nature, I suppose." "Simple enough; and the worst of it is that I cannot quite explain even to myself why I have done it. Every friend I had in the world told me that I was wrong, and yet I could not help myself. The thing was offered to me, not because I was thought to be fit for it, but because I had become wonderful by being brought near to a violent death! I remember once, when I was a child, having a rocking-horse given to me because I had fallen from the top of the house to the bottom without breaking my neck. The rocking-horse was very well then, but I don't care now to have one bestowed upon me for any such reason." "Still, if the rocking-horse is in itself a good rocking-horse--" "But it isn't." "I don't mean to say a word against your decision." "It isn't good. It is one of those toys which look to be so very desirable in the shop-windows, but which give no satisfaction when they are brought home. I'll tell you what occurred the other day. The circumstances happen to be known to me, though I cannot tell you my authority. My dear old friend Laurence Fitzgibbon, in the performance of his official duties, had to give an opinion on a matter affecting an expenditure of some thirty or forty thousand pounds of public money. I don't think that Laurence has generally a very strong bias this way or that on such questions, but in the case in question he took upon himself to be very decided. He wrote, or got some one to write, a report proving that the service of the country imperatively demanded that the money should be spent, and in doing so was strictly within his duty." "I am glad to hear that he can be so energetic." "The Chancellor of the Exchequer got hold of the matter, and told Fitzgibbon that the thing couldn't be done." "That was all right and constitutional, I suppose." "Quite right and constitutional. But something had to be said about it in the House, and Laurence, with all his usual fluency and beautiful Irish brogue, got up and explained that the money would be absolutely thrown away if expended on a purpose so futile as that proposed. I am assured that the great capacity which he has thus shown for official work and official life will cover a multitude of sins." "You would hardly have taken Mr. Fitzgibbon as your model statesman." "Certainly not;--and if the story affected him only it would hardly be worth telling. But the point of it lies in this;--that he disgusted no one by what he did. The Chancellor of the Exchequer thinks him a very convenient man to have about him, and Mr. Gresham feels the comfort of possessing tools so pliable." "Do you think that public life then is altogether a mistake, Mr. Finn?" "For a poor man I think that it is, in this country. A man of fortune may be independent; and because he has the power of independence those who are higher than he will not expect him to be subservient. A man who takes to parliamentary office for a living may live by it, but he will have but a dog's life of it." "If I were you, Mr. Finn, I certainly would not choose a dog's life." He said not a word to her on that occasion about herself, having made up his mind that a certain period of the following day should be chosen for the purpose, and he had hardly yet arranged in his mind what words he would use on that occasion. It seemed to him that there would be so much to be said that he must settle beforehand some order of saying it. It was not as though he had merely to tell her of his love. There had been talk of love between them before, on which occasion he had been compelled to tell her that he could not accept that which she offered to him. It would be impossible, he knew, not to refer to that former conversation. And then he had to tell her that he, now coming to her as a suitor and knowing her to be a very rich woman, was himself all but penniless. He was sure, or almost sure, that she was as well aware of this fact as he was himself; but, nevertheless, it was necessary that he should tell her of it,--and if possible so tell her as to force her to believe him when he assured her that he asked her to be his wife, not because she was rich, but because he loved her. It was impossible that all this should be said as they sat side by side in the drawing-room with a crowd of people almost within hearing, and Madame Goesler had just been called upon to play, which she always did directly she was asked. He was invited to make up a rubber, but he could not bring himself to care for cards at the present moment. So he sat apart and listened to the music. If all things went right with him to-morrow that music,--or the musician who made it,--would be his own for the rest of his life. Was he justified in expecting that she would give him so much? Of her great regard for him as a friend he had no doubt. She had shown it in various ways, and after a fashion that had made it known to all the world. But so had Lady Laura regarded him when he first told her of his love at Loughlinter. She had been his dearest friend, but she had declined to become his wife; and it had been partly so with Violet Effingham, whose friendship to him had been so sweet as to make him for a while almost think that there was more than friendship. Marie Goesler had certainly once loved him;--but so had he once loved Laura Standish. He had been wretched for a while because Lady Laura had refused him. His feelings now were altogether changed, and why should not the feelings of Madame Goesler have undergone a similar change? There was no doubt of her friendship; but then neither was there any doubt of his for Lady Laura. And in spite of her friendship, would not revenge be dear to her,--revenge of that nature which a slighted woman must always desire? He had rejected her, and would it not be fair also that he should be rejected? "I suppose you'll be in your own room before lunch to-morrow," he said to her as they separated for the night. It had come to pass from the constancy of her visits to Matching in the old Duke's time, that a certain small morning-room had been devoted to her, and this was still supposed to be her property,--so that she was not driven to herd with the public or to remain in her bedroom during all the hours of the morning. "Yes," she said; "I shall go out immediately after breakfast, but I shall soon be driven in by the heat, and then I shall be there till lunch. The Duchess always comes about half-past twelve, to complain generally of the guests." She answered him quite at her ease, making arrangement for privacy if he should desire it, but doing so as though she thought that he wanted to talk to her about his trial, or about politics, or the place he had just refused. Surely she would hardly have answered him after such a fashion had she suspected that he intended to ask her to be his wife. At a little before noon the next morning he knocked at her door, and was told to enter. "I didn't go out after all," she said. "I hadn't courage to face the sun." "I saw that you were not in the garden." "If I could have found you I would have told you that I should be here all the morning. I might have sent you a message, only--only I didn't." "I have come--" "I know why you have come." "I doubt that. I have come to tell you that I love you." "Oh Phineas;--at last, at last!" And in a moment she was in his arms. It seemed to him that from that moment all the explanations, and all the statements, and most of the assurances were made by her and not by him. After this first embrace he found himself seated beside her, holding her hand. "I do not know that I am right," said he. "Why not right?" "Because you are rich and I have nothing." "If you ever remind me of that again I will strike you," she said, raising up her little fist and bringing it down with gentle pressure on his shoulder. "Between you and me there must be nothing more about that. It must be an even partnership. There must be ever so much about money, and you'll have to go into dreadful details, and make journeys to Vienna to see that the houses don't tumble down;--but there must be no question between you and me of whence it came." "You will not think that I have to come to you for that?" "Have you ever known me to have a low opinion of myself? Is it probable that I shall account myself to be personally so mean and of so little value as to imagine that you cannot love me? I know you love me. But Phineas, I have not been sure till very lately that you would ever tell me so. As for me--! Oh, heavens! when I think of it." "Tell me that you love me now." "I think I have said so plainly enough. I have never ceased to love you since I first knew you well enough for love. And I'll tell you more,--though perhaps I shall say what you will think condemns me;--you are the only man I ever loved. My husband was very good to me,--and I was, I think, good to him. But he was many years my senior, and I cannot say I loved him,--as I do you." Then she turned to him, and put her head on his shoulder. "And I loved the old Duke, too, after a fashion. But it was a different thing from this. I will tell you something about him some day that I have never yet told to a human being." "Tell me now." "No; not till I am your wife. You must trust me. But I will tell you," she said, "lest you should be miserable. He asked me to be his wife." "The old Duke?" "Yes, indeed, and I refused to be a--duchess. Lady Glencora knew it all, and, just at the time I was breaking my heart,--like a fool, for you! Yes, for you! But I got over it, and am not broken-hearted a bit. Oh, Phineas, I am so happy now." Exactly at the time she had mentioned on the previous evening, at half-past twelve, the door was opened, and the Duchess entered the room. "Oh dear," she exclaimed, "perhaps I am in the way; perhaps I am interrupting secrets." "No, Duchess." "Shall I retire? I will at once if there be anything confidential going on." "It has gone on already, and been completed," said Madame Goesler rising from her seat. "It is only a trifle. Mr. Finn has asked me to be his wife." "Well?" "I couldn't refuse Mr. Finn a little thing like that." "I should think not, after going all the way to Prague to find a latch-key! I congratulate you, Mr. Finn, with all my heart." "Thanks, Duchess." "And when is it to be?" "We have not thought about that yet, Mr. Finn,--have we?" said Madame Goesler. "Adelaide Palliser is going to be married from here some time in the autumn," said the Duchess, "and you two had better take advantage of the occasion." This plan, however, was considered as being too rapid and rash. Marriage is a very serious affair, and many things would require arrangement. A lady with the wealth which belonged to Madame Goesler cannot bestow herself off-hand as may a curate's daughter, let her be ever so willing to give her money as well as herself. It was impossible that a day should be fixed quite at once; but the Duchess was allowed to understand that the affair might be mentioned. Before dinner on that day every one of the guests at Matching Priory knew that the man who had refused to be made Under-Secretary of State had been accepted by that possessor of fabulous wealth who was well known to the world as Madame Goesler of Park Lane. "I am very glad that you did not take office under Mr. Gresham," she said to him when they first met each other again in London. "Of course when I was advising you I could not be sure that this would happen. Now you can bide your time, and if the opportunity offers you can go to work under better auspices." CHAPTER LXXX. CONCLUSION. There remains to us the very easy task of collecting together the ends of the thread of our narrative, and tying them into a simple knot, so that there may be no unravelling. Of Mr. Emilius it has been already said that his good fortune clung to him so far that it was found impossible to connect him with the tragedy of Bolton Row. But he was made to vanish for a certain number of years from the world, and dear little Lizzie Eustace was left a free woman. When last we heard of her she was at Naples, and there was then a rumour that she was about to join her fate to that of Lord George de Bruce Carruthers, with whom pecuniary matters had lately not been going comfortably. Let us hope that the match, should it be a match, may lead to the happiness and respectability of both of them. As all the world knows, Lord and Lady Chiltern still live at Harrington Hall, and he has been considered to do very well with the Brake country. He still grumbles about Trumpeton Wood, and says that it will take a lifetime to repair the injuries done by Mr. Fothergill;--but then who ever knew a Master of Hounds who wasn't ill-treated by the owners of coverts? Of Mr. Tom Spooner it can only be said that he is still a bachelor, living with his cousin Ned, and that none of the neighbours expect to see a lady at Spoon Hall. In one winter, after the period of his misfortune, he became slack about his hunting, and there were rumours that he was carrying out that terrible threat of his as to the crusade which he would go to find a cure for his love. But his cousin took him in hand somewhat sharply, made him travel abroad during the summer, and brought him out the next season, "as fresh as paint," as the members of the Brake Hunt declared. It was known to every sportsman in the country that poor Mr. Spooner had been in love; but the affair was allowed to be a mystery, and no one ever spoke to Spooner himself upon the subject. It is probable that he now reaps no slight amount of gratification from his memory of the romance. The marriage between Gerard Maule and Adelaide Palliser was celebrated with great glory at Matching, and was mentioned in all the leading papers as an alliance in high life. When it became known to Mr. Maule, Senior, that this would be so, and that the lady would have a very considerable fortune from the old Duke, he reconciled himself to the marriage altogether, and at once gave way in that matter of Maule Abbey. Nothing he thought would be more suitable than that the young people should live at the old family place. So Maule Abbey was fitted up, and Mr. and Mrs. Maule have taken up their residence there. Under the influence of his wife he has promised to attend to his farming, and proposes to do no more than go out and see the hounds when they come into his neighbourhood. Let us hope that he may prosper. Should the farming come to a good end more will probably have been due to his wife's enterprise than to his own. The energetic father is, as all the world knows, now in pursuit of a widow with three thousand a year who has lately come out in Cavendish Square. Of poor Lord Fawn no good account can be given. To his thinking, official life had none of those drawbacks with which the fantastic feelings of Phineas Finn had invested it. He could have been happy for ever at the India Board or at the Colonial Office;--but his life was made a burden to him by the affair of the Bonteen murder. He was charged with having nearly led | reassert | How many times the word 'reassert' appears in the text? | 1 |
won't drink any wine we might as well go into the other room." Nothing had as yet been said on either of the subjects which had brought him to Saulsby, but there had been words which made the introduction of them peculiarly unpleasant. His tidings, however, must be told. "I shall not see Lord Brentford to-night?" he asked, when they were together in the drawing-room. "If you wish it you can go up to him. He will not come down." "Oh, no. It is only because I must return to-morrow." "To-morrow, Phineas!" "I must do so. I have pledged myself to see Mr. Monk,--and others also." "It is a short visit to make to us on my first return home! I hardly expected you at Loughlinter, but I thought that you might have remained a few nights under my father's roof." He could only reassert his assurance that he was bound to be back in London, and explain as best he might that he had come to Saulsby for a single night, only because he would not refuse her request to him. "I will not trouble you, Phineas, by complaints," she said. "I would give you no cause for complaint if I could avoid it." "And now tell me what has passed between you and Mr. Gresham," she said as soon as the servant had given them coffee. They were sitting by a window which opened down to the ground, and led on to the terrace and to the lawns below. The night was soft, and the air was heavy with the scent of many flowers. It was now past nine, and the sun had set; but there was a bright harvest moon, and the light, though pale, was clear as that of day. "Will you come and take a turn round the garden? We shall be better there than sitting here. I will get my hat; can I find yours for you?" So they both strolled out, down the terrace steps, and went forth, beyond the gardens, into the park, as though they had both intended from the first that it should be so. "I know you have not accepted Mr. Gresham's offer, or you would have told me so." "I have not accepted." "Nor have you refused?" "No; it is still open. I must send my answer by telegram to-morrow--Yes or No,--Mr. Gresham's time is too precious to admit of more." "Phineas, for Heaven's sake do not allow little feelings to injure you at such a time as this. It is of your own career, not of Mr. Gresham's manners, that you should think." "I have nothing to object to in Mr. Gresham. Yes or No will be quite sufficient." "It must be Yes." "It cannot be Yes, Lady Laura. That which I desired so ardently six months ago has now become so distasteful to me that I cannot accept it. There is an amount of hustling on the Treasury Bench which makes a seat there almost ignominious." "Do they hustle more than they did three years ago?" "I think they do, or if not it is more conspicuous to my eyes. I do not say that it need be ignominious. To such a one as was Mr. Palliser it certainly is not so. But it becomes so when a man goes there to get his bread, and has to fight his way as though for bare life. When office first comes, unasked for, almost unexpected, full of the charms which distance lends, it is pleasant enough. The new-comer begins to feel that he too is entitled to rub his shoulders among those who rule the world of Great Britain. But when it has been expected, longed for as I longed for it, asked for by my friends and refused, when all the world comes to know that you are a suitor for that which should come without any suit,--then the pleasantness vanishes." "I thought it was to be your career." "And I hoped so." "What will you do, Phineas? You cannot live without an income." "I must try," he said, laughing. "You will not share with your friend, as a friend should?" "No, Lady Laura. That cannot be done." "I do not see why it cannot. Then you might be independent." "Then I should indeed be dependent." "You are too proud to owe me anything." He wanted to tell her that he was too proud to owe such obligation as she had suggested to any man or any woman; but he hardly knew how to do so, intending as he did to inform her before they returned to the house of his intention to ask Madame Goesler to be his wife. He could discern the difference between enjoying his wife's fortune and taking gifts of money from one who was bound to him by no tie;--but to her in her present mood he could explain no such distinction. On a sudden he rushed at the matter in his mind. It had to be done, and must be done before he brought her back to the house. He was conscious that he had in no degree ill-used her. He had in nothing deceived her. He had kept back from her nothing which the truest friendship had called upon him to reveal to her. And yet he knew that her indignation would rise hot within her at his first word. "Laura," he said, forgetting in his confusion to remember her rank, "I had better tell you at once that I have determined to ask Madame Goesler to be my wife." "Oh, then;--of course your income is certain." "If you choose to regard my conduct in that light I cannot help it. I do not think that I deserve such reproach." "Why not tell it all? You are engaged to her?" "Not so. I have not asked her yet." "And why do you come to me with the story of your intentions,--to me of all persons in the world? I sometimes think that of all the hearts that ever dwelt within a man's bosom yours is the hardest." "For God's sake do not say that of me." "Do you remember when you came to me about Violet,--to me,--to me? I could bear it then because she was good and earnest, and a woman that I could love even though she robbed me. And I strove for you even against my own heart,--against my own brother. I did; I did. But how am I to bear it now? What shall I do now? She is a woman I loathe." "Because you do not know her." "Not know her! And are your eyes so clear at seeing that you must know her better than others? She was the Duke's mistress." "That is untrue, Lady Laura." "But what difference does it make to me? I shall be sure that you will have bread to eat, and horses to ride, and a seat in Parliament without being forced to earn it by your labour. We shall meet no more, of course." "I do not think that you can mean that." "I will never receive that woman, nor will I cross the sill of her door. Why should I?" "Should she become my wife,--that I would have thought might have been the reason why." "Surely, Phineas, no man ever understood a woman so ill as you do." "Because I would fain hope that I need not quarrel with my oldest friend?" "Yes, sir; because you think you can do this without quarrelling. How should I speak to her of you; how listen to what she would tell me? Phineas, you have killed me at last." Why could he not tell her that it was she who had done the wrong when she gave her hand to Robert Kennedy? But he could not tell her, and he was dumb. "And so it's settled!" "No; not settled." "Psha! I hate your mock modesty! It is settled. You have become far too cautious to risk fortune in such an adventure. Practice has taught you to be perfect. It was to tell me this that you came down here." "Partly so." "It would have been more generous of you, sir, to have remained away." "I did not mean to be ungenerous." Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck, and burying her face upon his bosom. They were at the moment in the centre of the park, on the grass beneath the trees, and the moon was bright over their heads. He held her to his breast while she sobbed, and then relaxed his hold as she raised herself to look into his face. After a moment she took his hat from his head with one hand, and with the other swept the hair back from his brow. "Oh, Phineas," she said, "Oh, my darling! My idol that I have worshipped when I should have worshipped my God!" [Illustration: Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck.] After that they roamed for nearly an hour backwards and forwards beneath the trees, till at last she became calm and almost reasonable. She acknowledged that she had long expected such a marriage, looking forward to it as a great sorrow. She repeated over and over again her assertion that she could not "know" Madame Goesler as the wife of Phineas, but abstained from further evil words respecting the lady. "It is better that we should be apart," she said at last. "I feel that it is better. When we are both old, if I should live, we may meet again. I knew that it was coming, and we had better part." And yet they remained out there, wandering about the park for a long portion of the summer night. She did not reproach him again, nor did she speak much of the future; but she alluded to all the incidents of their past life, showing him that nothing which he had done, no words which he had spoken, had been forgotten by her. "Of course it has been my fault," she said, as at last she parted with him in the drawing-room. "When I was younger I did not understand how strong the heart can be. I should have known it, and I pay for my ignorance with the penalty of my whole life." Then he left her, kissing her on both cheeks and on her brow, and went to his bedroom with the understanding that he would start for London on the following morning before she was up. CHAPTER LXXIX. AT LAST--AT LAST. As he took his ticket Phineas sent his message to the Prime Minister, taking that personage literally at his word. The message was, No. When writing it in the office it seemed to him to be uncourteous, but he found it difficult to add any other words that should make it less so. He supplemented it with a letter on his arrival in London, in which he expressed his regret that certain circumstances of his life which had occurred during the last month or two made him unfit to undertake the duties of the very pleasant office to which Mr. Gresham had kindly offered to appoint him. That done, he remained in town but one night, and then set his face again towards Matching. When he reached that place it was already known that he had refused to accept Mr. Gresham's offer, and he was met at once with regrets and condolements. "I am sorry that it must be so," said the Duke,--who was sorry, for he liked the man, but who said not a word more upon the subject. "You are still young, and will have further opportunities," said Lord Cantrip, "but I wish that you could have consented to come back to your old chair." "I hope that at any rate we shall not have you against us," said Sir Harry Coldfoot. Among themselves they declared one to another that he had been so completely upset by his imprisonment and subsequent trial as to be unable to undertake the work proposed to him. "It is not a very nice thing, you know, to be accused of murder," said Sir Gregory, "and to pass a month or two under the full conviction that you are going to be hung. He'll come right again some day. I only hope it may not be too late." "So you have decided for freedom?" said Madame Goesler to him that evening,--the evening of the day on which he had returned. "Yes, indeed." "I have nothing to say against your decision now. No doubt your feelings have prompted you right." "Now that it is done, of course I am full of regrets," said Phineas. "That is simple human nature, I suppose." "Simple enough; and the worst of it is that I cannot quite explain even to myself why I have done it. Every friend I had in the world told me that I was wrong, and yet I could not help myself. The thing was offered to me, not because I was thought to be fit for it, but because I had become wonderful by being brought near to a violent death! I remember once, when I was a child, having a rocking-horse given to me because I had fallen from the top of the house to the bottom without breaking my neck. The rocking-horse was very well then, but I don't care now to have one bestowed upon me for any such reason." "Still, if the rocking-horse is in itself a good rocking-horse--" "But it isn't." "I don't mean to say a word against your decision." "It isn't good. It is one of those toys which look to be so very desirable in the shop-windows, but which give no satisfaction when they are brought home. I'll tell you what occurred the other day. The circumstances happen to be known to me, though I cannot tell you my authority. My dear old friend Laurence Fitzgibbon, in the performance of his official duties, had to give an opinion on a matter affecting an expenditure of some thirty or forty thousand pounds of public money. I don't think that Laurence has generally a very strong bias this way or that on such questions, but in the case in question he took upon himself to be very decided. He wrote, or got some one to write, a report proving that the service of the country imperatively demanded that the money should be spent, and in doing so was strictly within his duty." "I am glad to hear that he can be so energetic." "The Chancellor of the Exchequer got hold of the matter, and told Fitzgibbon that the thing couldn't be done." "That was all right and constitutional, I suppose." "Quite right and constitutional. But something had to be said about it in the House, and Laurence, with all his usual fluency and beautiful Irish brogue, got up and explained that the money would be absolutely thrown away if expended on a purpose so futile as that proposed. I am assured that the great capacity which he has thus shown for official work and official life will cover a multitude of sins." "You would hardly have taken Mr. Fitzgibbon as your model statesman." "Certainly not;--and if the story affected him only it would hardly be worth telling. But the point of it lies in this;--that he disgusted no one by what he did. The Chancellor of the Exchequer thinks him a very convenient man to have about him, and Mr. Gresham feels the comfort of possessing tools so pliable." "Do you think that public life then is altogether a mistake, Mr. Finn?" "For a poor man I think that it is, in this country. A man of fortune may be independent; and because he has the power of independence those who are higher than he will not expect him to be subservient. A man who takes to parliamentary office for a living may live by it, but he will have but a dog's life of it." "If I were you, Mr. Finn, I certainly would not choose a dog's life." He said not a word to her on that occasion about herself, having made up his mind that a certain period of the following day should be chosen for the purpose, and he had hardly yet arranged in his mind what words he would use on that occasion. It seemed to him that there would be so much to be said that he must settle beforehand some order of saying it. It was not as though he had merely to tell her of his love. There had been talk of love between them before, on which occasion he had been compelled to tell her that he could not accept that which she offered to him. It would be impossible, he knew, not to refer to that former conversation. And then he had to tell her that he, now coming to her as a suitor and knowing her to be a very rich woman, was himself all but penniless. He was sure, or almost sure, that she was as well aware of this fact as he was himself; but, nevertheless, it was necessary that he should tell her of it,--and if possible so tell her as to force her to believe him when he assured her that he asked her to be his wife, not because she was rich, but because he loved her. It was impossible that all this should be said as they sat side by side in the drawing-room with a crowd of people almost within hearing, and Madame Goesler had just been called upon to play, which she always did directly she was asked. He was invited to make up a rubber, but he could not bring himself to care for cards at the present moment. So he sat apart and listened to the music. If all things went right with him to-morrow that music,--or the musician who made it,--would be his own for the rest of his life. Was he justified in expecting that she would give him so much? Of her great regard for him as a friend he had no doubt. She had shown it in various ways, and after a fashion that had made it known to all the world. But so had Lady Laura regarded him when he first told her of his love at Loughlinter. She had been his dearest friend, but she had declined to become his wife; and it had been partly so with Violet Effingham, whose friendship to him had been so sweet as to make him for a while almost think that there was more than friendship. Marie Goesler had certainly once loved him;--but so had he once loved Laura Standish. He had been wretched for a while because Lady Laura had refused him. His feelings now were altogether changed, and why should not the feelings of Madame Goesler have undergone a similar change? There was no doubt of her friendship; but then neither was there any doubt of his for Lady Laura. And in spite of her friendship, would not revenge be dear to her,--revenge of that nature which a slighted woman must always desire? He had rejected her, and would it not be fair also that he should be rejected? "I suppose you'll be in your own room before lunch to-morrow," he said to her as they separated for the night. It had come to pass from the constancy of her visits to Matching in the old Duke's time, that a certain small morning-room had been devoted to her, and this was still supposed to be her property,--so that she was not driven to herd with the public or to remain in her bedroom during all the hours of the morning. "Yes," she said; "I shall go out immediately after breakfast, but I shall soon be driven in by the heat, and then I shall be there till lunch. The Duchess always comes about half-past twelve, to complain generally of the guests." She answered him quite at her ease, making arrangement for privacy if he should desire it, but doing so as though she thought that he wanted to talk to her about his trial, or about politics, or the place he had just refused. Surely she would hardly have answered him after such a fashion had she suspected that he intended to ask her to be his wife. At a little before noon the next morning he knocked at her door, and was told to enter. "I didn't go out after all," she said. "I hadn't courage to face the sun." "I saw that you were not in the garden." "If I could have found you I would have told you that I should be here all the morning. I might have sent you a message, only--only I didn't." "I have come--" "I know why you have come." "I doubt that. I have come to tell you that I love you." "Oh Phineas;--at last, at last!" And in a moment she was in his arms. It seemed to him that from that moment all the explanations, and all the statements, and most of the assurances were made by her and not by him. After this first embrace he found himself seated beside her, holding her hand. "I do not know that I am right," said he. "Why not right?" "Because you are rich and I have nothing." "If you ever remind me of that again I will strike you," she said, raising up her little fist and bringing it down with gentle pressure on his shoulder. "Between you and me there must be nothing more about that. It must be an even partnership. There must be ever so much about money, and you'll have to go into dreadful details, and make journeys to Vienna to see that the houses don't tumble down;--but there must be no question between you and me of whence it came." "You will not think that I have to come to you for that?" "Have you ever known me to have a low opinion of myself? Is it probable that I shall account myself to be personally so mean and of so little value as to imagine that you cannot love me? I know you love me. But Phineas, I have not been sure till very lately that you would ever tell me so. As for me--! Oh, heavens! when I think of it." "Tell me that you love me now." "I think I have said so plainly enough. I have never ceased to love you since I first knew you well enough for love. And I'll tell you more,--though perhaps I shall say what you will think condemns me;--you are the only man I ever loved. My husband was very good to me,--and I was, I think, good to him. But he was many years my senior, and I cannot say I loved him,--as I do you." Then she turned to him, and put her head on his shoulder. "And I loved the old Duke, too, after a fashion. But it was a different thing from this. I will tell you something about him some day that I have never yet told to a human being." "Tell me now." "No; not till I am your wife. You must trust me. But I will tell you," she said, "lest you should be miserable. He asked me to be his wife." "The old Duke?" "Yes, indeed, and I refused to be a--duchess. Lady Glencora knew it all, and, just at the time I was breaking my heart,--like a fool, for you! Yes, for you! But I got over it, and am not broken-hearted a bit. Oh, Phineas, I am so happy now." Exactly at the time she had mentioned on the previous evening, at half-past twelve, the door was opened, and the Duchess entered the room. "Oh dear," she exclaimed, "perhaps I am in the way; perhaps I am interrupting secrets." "No, Duchess." "Shall I retire? I will at once if there be anything confidential going on." "It has gone on already, and been completed," said Madame Goesler rising from her seat. "It is only a trifle. Mr. Finn has asked me to be his wife." "Well?" "I couldn't refuse Mr. Finn a little thing like that." "I should think not, after going all the way to Prague to find a latch-key! I congratulate you, Mr. Finn, with all my heart." "Thanks, Duchess." "And when is it to be?" "We have not thought about that yet, Mr. Finn,--have we?" said Madame Goesler. "Adelaide Palliser is going to be married from here some time in the autumn," said the Duchess, "and you two had better take advantage of the occasion." This plan, however, was considered as being too rapid and rash. Marriage is a very serious affair, and many things would require arrangement. A lady with the wealth which belonged to Madame Goesler cannot bestow herself off-hand as may a curate's daughter, let her be ever so willing to give her money as well as herself. It was impossible that a day should be fixed quite at once; but the Duchess was allowed to understand that the affair might be mentioned. Before dinner on that day every one of the guests at Matching Priory knew that the man who had refused to be made Under-Secretary of State had been accepted by that possessor of fabulous wealth who was well known to the world as Madame Goesler of Park Lane. "I am very glad that you did not take office under Mr. Gresham," she said to him when they first met each other again in London. "Of course when I was advising you I could not be sure that this would happen. Now you can bide your time, and if the opportunity offers you can go to work under better auspices." CHAPTER LXXX. CONCLUSION. There remains to us the very easy task of collecting together the ends of the thread of our narrative, and tying them into a simple knot, so that there may be no unravelling. Of Mr. Emilius it has been already said that his good fortune clung to him so far that it was found impossible to connect him with the tragedy of Bolton Row. But he was made to vanish for a certain number of years from the world, and dear little Lizzie Eustace was left a free woman. When last we heard of her she was at Naples, and there was then a rumour that she was about to join her fate to that of Lord George de Bruce Carruthers, with whom pecuniary matters had lately not been going comfortably. Let us hope that the match, should it be a match, may lead to the happiness and respectability of both of them. As all the world knows, Lord and Lady Chiltern still live at Harrington Hall, and he has been considered to do very well with the Brake country. He still grumbles about Trumpeton Wood, and says that it will take a lifetime to repair the injuries done by Mr. Fothergill;--but then who ever knew a Master of Hounds who wasn't ill-treated by the owners of coverts? Of Mr. Tom Spooner it can only be said that he is still a bachelor, living with his cousin Ned, and that none of the neighbours expect to see a lady at Spoon Hall. In one winter, after the period of his misfortune, he became slack about his hunting, and there were rumours that he was carrying out that terrible threat of his as to the crusade which he would go to find a cure for his love. But his cousin took him in hand somewhat sharply, made him travel abroad during the summer, and brought him out the next season, "as fresh as paint," as the members of the Brake Hunt declared. It was known to every sportsman in the country that poor Mr. Spooner had been in love; but the affair was allowed to be a mystery, and no one ever spoke to Spooner himself upon the subject. It is probable that he now reaps no slight amount of gratification from his memory of the romance. The marriage between Gerard Maule and Adelaide Palliser was celebrated with great glory at Matching, and was mentioned in all the leading papers as an alliance in high life. When it became known to Mr. Maule, Senior, that this would be so, and that the lady would have a very considerable fortune from the old Duke, he reconciled himself to the marriage altogether, and at once gave way in that matter of Maule Abbey. Nothing he thought would be more suitable than that the young people should live at the old family place. So Maule Abbey was fitted up, and Mr. and Mrs. Maule have taken up their residence there. Under the influence of his wife he has promised to attend to his farming, and proposes to do no more than go out and see the hounds when they come into his neighbourhood. Let us hope that he may prosper. Should the farming come to a good end more will probably have been due to his wife's enterprise than to his own. The energetic father is, as all the world knows, now in pursuit of a widow with three thousand a year who has lately come out in Cavendish Square. Of poor Lord Fawn no good account can be given. To his thinking, official life had none of those drawbacks with which the fantastic feelings of Phineas Finn had invested it. He could have been happy for ever at the India Board or at the Colonial Office;--but his life was made a burden to him by the affair of the Bonteen murder. He was charged with having nearly led | avoid | How many times the word 'avoid' appears in the text? | 1 |
won't drink any wine we might as well go into the other room." Nothing had as yet been said on either of the subjects which had brought him to Saulsby, but there had been words which made the introduction of them peculiarly unpleasant. His tidings, however, must be told. "I shall not see Lord Brentford to-night?" he asked, when they were together in the drawing-room. "If you wish it you can go up to him. He will not come down." "Oh, no. It is only because I must return to-morrow." "To-morrow, Phineas!" "I must do so. I have pledged myself to see Mr. Monk,--and others also." "It is a short visit to make to us on my first return home! I hardly expected you at Loughlinter, but I thought that you might have remained a few nights under my father's roof." He could only reassert his assurance that he was bound to be back in London, and explain as best he might that he had come to Saulsby for a single night, only because he would not refuse her request to him. "I will not trouble you, Phineas, by complaints," she said. "I would give you no cause for complaint if I could avoid it." "And now tell me what has passed between you and Mr. Gresham," she said as soon as the servant had given them coffee. They were sitting by a window which opened down to the ground, and led on to the terrace and to the lawns below. The night was soft, and the air was heavy with the scent of many flowers. It was now past nine, and the sun had set; but there was a bright harvest moon, and the light, though pale, was clear as that of day. "Will you come and take a turn round the garden? We shall be better there than sitting here. I will get my hat; can I find yours for you?" So they both strolled out, down the terrace steps, and went forth, beyond the gardens, into the park, as though they had both intended from the first that it should be so. "I know you have not accepted Mr. Gresham's offer, or you would have told me so." "I have not accepted." "Nor have you refused?" "No; it is still open. I must send my answer by telegram to-morrow--Yes or No,--Mr. Gresham's time is too precious to admit of more." "Phineas, for Heaven's sake do not allow little feelings to injure you at such a time as this. It is of your own career, not of Mr. Gresham's manners, that you should think." "I have nothing to object to in Mr. Gresham. Yes or No will be quite sufficient." "It must be Yes." "It cannot be Yes, Lady Laura. That which I desired so ardently six months ago has now become so distasteful to me that I cannot accept it. There is an amount of hustling on the Treasury Bench which makes a seat there almost ignominious." "Do they hustle more than they did three years ago?" "I think they do, or if not it is more conspicuous to my eyes. I do not say that it need be ignominious. To such a one as was Mr. Palliser it certainly is not so. But it becomes so when a man goes there to get his bread, and has to fight his way as though for bare life. When office first comes, unasked for, almost unexpected, full of the charms which distance lends, it is pleasant enough. The new-comer begins to feel that he too is entitled to rub his shoulders among those who rule the world of Great Britain. But when it has been expected, longed for as I longed for it, asked for by my friends and refused, when all the world comes to know that you are a suitor for that which should come without any suit,--then the pleasantness vanishes." "I thought it was to be your career." "And I hoped so." "What will you do, Phineas? You cannot live without an income." "I must try," he said, laughing. "You will not share with your friend, as a friend should?" "No, Lady Laura. That cannot be done." "I do not see why it cannot. Then you might be independent." "Then I should indeed be dependent." "You are too proud to owe me anything." He wanted to tell her that he was too proud to owe such obligation as she had suggested to any man or any woman; but he hardly knew how to do so, intending as he did to inform her before they returned to the house of his intention to ask Madame Goesler to be his wife. He could discern the difference between enjoying his wife's fortune and taking gifts of money from one who was bound to him by no tie;--but to her in her present mood he could explain no such distinction. On a sudden he rushed at the matter in his mind. It had to be done, and must be done before he brought her back to the house. He was conscious that he had in no degree ill-used her. He had in nothing deceived her. He had kept back from her nothing which the truest friendship had called upon him to reveal to her. And yet he knew that her indignation would rise hot within her at his first word. "Laura," he said, forgetting in his confusion to remember her rank, "I had better tell you at once that I have determined to ask Madame Goesler to be my wife." "Oh, then;--of course your income is certain." "If you choose to regard my conduct in that light I cannot help it. I do not think that I deserve such reproach." "Why not tell it all? You are engaged to her?" "Not so. I have not asked her yet." "And why do you come to me with the story of your intentions,--to me of all persons in the world? I sometimes think that of all the hearts that ever dwelt within a man's bosom yours is the hardest." "For God's sake do not say that of me." "Do you remember when you came to me about Violet,--to me,--to me? I could bear it then because she was good and earnest, and a woman that I could love even though she robbed me. And I strove for you even against my own heart,--against my own brother. I did; I did. But how am I to bear it now? What shall I do now? She is a woman I loathe." "Because you do not know her." "Not know her! And are your eyes so clear at seeing that you must know her better than others? She was the Duke's mistress." "That is untrue, Lady Laura." "But what difference does it make to me? I shall be sure that you will have bread to eat, and horses to ride, and a seat in Parliament without being forced to earn it by your labour. We shall meet no more, of course." "I do not think that you can mean that." "I will never receive that woman, nor will I cross the sill of her door. Why should I?" "Should she become my wife,--that I would have thought might have been the reason why." "Surely, Phineas, no man ever understood a woman so ill as you do." "Because I would fain hope that I need not quarrel with my oldest friend?" "Yes, sir; because you think you can do this without quarrelling. How should I speak to her of you; how listen to what she would tell me? Phineas, you have killed me at last." Why could he not tell her that it was she who had done the wrong when she gave her hand to Robert Kennedy? But he could not tell her, and he was dumb. "And so it's settled!" "No; not settled." "Psha! I hate your mock modesty! It is settled. You have become far too cautious to risk fortune in such an adventure. Practice has taught you to be perfect. It was to tell me this that you came down here." "Partly so." "It would have been more generous of you, sir, to have remained away." "I did not mean to be ungenerous." Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck, and burying her face upon his bosom. They were at the moment in the centre of the park, on the grass beneath the trees, and the moon was bright over their heads. He held her to his breast while she sobbed, and then relaxed his hold as she raised herself to look into his face. After a moment she took his hat from his head with one hand, and with the other swept the hair back from his brow. "Oh, Phineas," she said, "Oh, my darling! My idol that I have worshipped when I should have worshipped my God!" [Illustration: Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck.] After that they roamed for nearly an hour backwards and forwards beneath the trees, till at last she became calm and almost reasonable. She acknowledged that she had long expected such a marriage, looking forward to it as a great sorrow. She repeated over and over again her assertion that she could not "know" Madame Goesler as the wife of Phineas, but abstained from further evil words respecting the lady. "It is better that we should be apart," she said at last. "I feel that it is better. When we are both old, if I should live, we may meet again. I knew that it was coming, and we had better part." And yet they remained out there, wandering about the park for a long portion of the summer night. She did not reproach him again, nor did she speak much of the future; but she alluded to all the incidents of their past life, showing him that nothing which he had done, no words which he had spoken, had been forgotten by her. "Of course it has been my fault," she said, as at last she parted with him in the drawing-room. "When I was younger I did not understand how strong the heart can be. I should have known it, and I pay for my ignorance with the penalty of my whole life." Then he left her, kissing her on both cheeks and on her brow, and went to his bedroom with the understanding that he would start for London on the following morning before she was up. CHAPTER LXXIX. AT LAST--AT LAST. As he took his ticket Phineas sent his message to the Prime Minister, taking that personage literally at his word. The message was, No. When writing it in the office it seemed to him to be uncourteous, but he found it difficult to add any other words that should make it less so. He supplemented it with a letter on his arrival in London, in which he expressed his regret that certain circumstances of his life which had occurred during the last month or two made him unfit to undertake the duties of the very pleasant office to which Mr. Gresham had kindly offered to appoint him. That done, he remained in town but one night, and then set his face again towards Matching. When he reached that place it was already known that he had refused to accept Mr. Gresham's offer, and he was met at once with regrets and condolements. "I am sorry that it must be so," said the Duke,--who was sorry, for he liked the man, but who said not a word more upon the subject. "You are still young, and will have further opportunities," said Lord Cantrip, "but I wish that you could have consented to come back to your old chair." "I hope that at any rate we shall not have you against us," said Sir Harry Coldfoot. Among themselves they declared one to another that he had been so completely upset by his imprisonment and subsequent trial as to be unable to undertake the work proposed to him. "It is not a very nice thing, you know, to be accused of murder," said Sir Gregory, "and to pass a month or two under the full conviction that you are going to be hung. He'll come right again some day. I only hope it may not be too late." "So you have decided for freedom?" said Madame Goesler to him that evening,--the evening of the day on which he had returned. "Yes, indeed." "I have nothing to say against your decision now. No doubt your feelings have prompted you right." "Now that it is done, of course I am full of regrets," said Phineas. "That is simple human nature, I suppose." "Simple enough; and the worst of it is that I cannot quite explain even to myself why I have done it. Every friend I had in the world told me that I was wrong, and yet I could not help myself. The thing was offered to me, not because I was thought to be fit for it, but because I had become wonderful by being brought near to a violent death! I remember once, when I was a child, having a rocking-horse given to me because I had fallen from the top of the house to the bottom without breaking my neck. The rocking-horse was very well then, but I don't care now to have one bestowed upon me for any such reason." "Still, if the rocking-horse is in itself a good rocking-horse--" "But it isn't." "I don't mean to say a word against your decision." "It isn't good. It is one of those toys which look to be so very desirable in the shop-windows, but which give no satisfaction when they are brought home. I'll tell you what occurred the other day. The circumstances happen to be known to me, though I cannot tell you my authority. My dear old friend Laurence Fitzgibbon, in the performance of his official duties, had to give an opinion on a matter affecting an expenditure of some thirty or forty thousand pounds of public money. I don't think that Laurence has generally a very strong bias this way or that on such questions, but in the case in question he took upon himself to be very decided. He wrote, or got some one to write, a report proving that the service of the country imperatively demanded that the money should be spent, and in doing so was strictly within his duty." "I am glad to hear that he can be so energetic." "The Chancellor of the Exchequer got hold of the matter, and told Fitzgibbon that the thing couldn't be done." "That was all right and constitutional, I suppose." "Quite right and constitutional. But something had to be said about it in the House, and Laurence, with all his usual fluency and beautiful Irish brogue, got up and explained that the money would be absolutely thrown away if expended on a purpose so futile as that proposed. I am assured that the great capacity which he has thus shown for official work and official life will cover a multitude of sins." "You would hardly have taken Mr. Fitzgibbon as your model statesman." "Certainly not;--and if the story affected him only it would hardly be worth telling. But the point of it lies in this;--that he disgusted no one by what he did. The Chancellor of the Exchequer thinks him a very convenient man to have about him, and Mr. Gresham feels the comfort of possessing tools so pliable." "Do you think that public life then is altogether a mistake, Mr. Finn?" "For a poor man I think that it is, in this country. A man of fortune may be independent; and because he has the power of independence those who are higher than he will not expect him to be subservient. A man who takes to parliamentary office for a living may live by it, but he will have but a dog's life of it." "If I were you, Mr. Finn, I certainly would not choose a dog's life." He said not a word to her on that occasion about herself, having made up his mind that a certain period of the following day should be chosen for the purpose, and he had hardly yet arranged in his mind what words he would use on that occasion. It seemed to him that there would be so much to be said that he must settle beforehand some order of saying it. It was not as though he had merely to tell her of his love. There had been talk of love between them before, on which occasion he had been compelled to tell her that he could not accept that which she offered to him. It would be impossible, he knew, not to refer to that former conversation. And then he had to tell her that he, now coming to her as a suitor and knowing her to be a very rich woman, was himself all but penniless. He was sure, or almost sure, that she was as well aware of this fact as he was himself; but, nevertheless, it was necessary that he should tell her of it,--and if possible so tell her as to force her to believe him when he assured her that he asked her to be his wife, not because she was rich, but because he loved her. It was impossible that all this should be said as they sat side by side in the drawing-room with a crowd of people almost within hearing, and Madame Goesler had just been called upon to play, which she always did directly she was asked. He was invited to make up a rubber, but he could not bring himself to care for cards at the present moment. So he sat apart and listened to the music. If all things went right with him to-morrow that music,--or the musician who made it,--would be his own for the rest of his life. Was he justified in expecting that she would give him so much? Of her great regard for him as a friend he had no doubt. She had shown it in various ways, and after a fashion that had made it known to all the world. But so had Lady Laura regarded him when he first told her of his love at Loughlinter. She had been his dearest friend, but she had declined to become his wife; and it had been partly so with Violet Effingham, whose friendship to him had been so sweet as to make him for a while almost think that there was more than friendship. Marie Goesler had certainly once loved him;--but so had he once loved Laura Standish. He had been wretched for a while because Lady Laura had refused him. His feelings now were altogether changed, and why should not the feelings of Madame Goesler have undergone a similar change? There was no doubt of her friendship; but then neither was there any doubt of his for Lady Laura. And in spite of her friendship, would not revenge be dear to her,--revenge of that nature which a slighted woman must always desire? He had rejected her, and would it not be fair also that he should be rejected? "I suppose you'll be in your own room before lunch to-morrow," he said to her as they separated for the night. It had come to pass from the constancy of her visits to Matching in the old Duke's time, that a certain small morning-room had been devoted to her, and this was still supposed to be her property,--so that she was not driven to herd with the public or to remain in her bedroom during all the hours of the morning. "Yes," she said; "I shall go out immediately after breakfast, but I shall soon be driven in by the heat, and then I shall be there till lunch. The Duchess always comes about half-past twelve, to complain generally of the guests." She answered him quite at her ease, making arrangement for privacy if he should desire it, but doing so as though she thought that he wanted to talk to her about his trial, or about politics, or the place he had just refused. Surely she would hardly have answered him after such a fashion had she suspected that he intended to ask her to be his wife. At a little before noon the next morning he knocked at her door, and was told to enter. "I didn't go out after all," she said. "I hadn't courage to face the sun." "I saw that you were not in the garden." "If I could have found you I would have told you that I should be here all the morning. I might have sent you a message, only--only I didn't." "I have come--" "I know why you have come." "I doubt that. I have come to tell you that I love you." "Oh Phineas;--at last, at last!" And in a moment she was in his arms. It seemed to him that from that moment all the explanations, and all the statements, and most of the assurances were made by her and not by him. After this first embrace he found himself seated beside her, holding her hand. "I do not know that I am right," said he. "Why not right?" "Because you are rich and I have nothing." "If you ever remind me of that again I will strike you," she said, raising up her little fist and bringing it down with gentle pressure on his shoulder. "Between you and me there must be nothing more about that. It must be an even partnership. There must be ever so much about money, and you'll have to go into dreadful details, and make journeys to Vienna to see that the houses don't tumble down;--but there must be no question between you and me of whence it came." "You will not think that I have to come to you for that?" "Have you ever known me to have a low opinion of myself? Is it probable that I shall account myself to be personally so mean and of so little value as to imagine that you cannot love me? I know you love me. But Phineas, I have not been sure till very lately that you would ever tell me so. As for me--! Oh, heavens! when I think of it." "Tell me that you love me now." "I think I have said so plainly enough. I have never ceased to love you since I first knew you well enough for love. And I'll tell you more,--though perhaps I shall say what you will think condemns me;--you are the only man I ever loved. My husband was very good to me,--and I was, I think, good to him. But he was many years my senior, and I cannot say I loved him,--as I do you." Then she turned to him, and put her head on his shoulder. "And I loved the old Duke, too, after a fashion. But it was a different thing from this. I will tell you something about him some day that I have never yet told to a human being." "Tell me now." "No; not till I am your wife. You must trust me. But I will tell you," she said, "lest you should be miserable. He asked me to be his wife." "The old Duke?" "Yes, indeed, and I refused to be a--duchess. Lady Glencora knew it all, and, just at the time I was breaking my heart,--like a fool, for you! Yes, for you! But I got over it, and am not broken-hearted a bit. Oh, Phineas, I am so happy now." Exactly at the time she had mentioned on the previous evening, at half-past twelve, the door was opened, and the Duchess entered the room. "Oh dear," she exclaimed, "perhaps I am in the way; perhaps I am interrupting secrets." "No, Duchess." "Shall I retire? I will at once if there be anything confidential going on." "It has gone on already, and been completed," said Madame Goesler rising from her seat. "It is only a trifle. Mr. Finn has asked me to be his wife." "Well?" "I couldn't refuse Mr. Finn a little thing like that." "I should think not, after going all the way to Prague to find a latch-key! I congratulate you, Mr. Finn, with all my heart." "Thanks, Duchess." "And when is it to be?" "We have not thought about that yet, Mr. Finn,--have we?" said Madame Goesler. "Adelaide Palliser is going to be married from here some time in the autumn," said the Duchess, "and you two had better take advantage of the occasion." This plan, however, was considered as being too rapid and rash. Marriage is a very serious affair, and many things would require arrangement. A lady with the wealth which belonged to Madame Goesler cannot bestow herself off-hand as may a curate's daughter, let her be ever so willing to give her money as well as herself. It was impossible that a day should be fixed quite at once; but the Duchess was allowed to understand that the affair might be mentioned. Before dinner on that day every one of the guests at Matching Priory knew that the man who had refused to be made Under-Secretary of State had been accepted by that possessor of fabulous wealth who was well known to the world as Madame Goesler of Park Lane. "I am very glad that you did not take office under Mr. Gresham," she said to him when they first met each other again in London. "Of course when I was advising you I could not be sure that this would happen. Now you can bide your time, and if the opportunity offers you can go to work under better auspices." CHAPTER LXXX. CONCLUSION. There remains to us the very easy task of collecting together the ends of the thread of our narrative, and tying them into a simple knot, so that there may be no unravelling. Of Mr. Emilius it has been already said that his good fortune clung to him so far that it was found impossible to connect him with the tragedy of Bolton Row. But he was made to vanish for a certain number of years from the world, and dear little Lizzie Eustace was left a free woman. When last we heard of her she was at Naples, and there was then a rumour that she was about to join her fate to that of Lord George de Bruce Carruthers, with whom pecuniary matters had lately not been going comfortably. Let us hope that the match, should it be a match, may lead to the happiness and respectability of both of them. As all the world knows, Lord and Lady Chiltern still live at Harrington Hall, and he has been considered to do very well with the Brake country. He still grumbles about Trumpeton Wood, and says that it will take a lifetime to repair the injuries done by Mr. Fothergill;--but then who ever knew a Master of Hounds who wasn't ill-treated by the owners of coverts? Of Mr. Tom Spooner it can only be said that he is still a bachelor, living with his cousin Ned, and that none of the neighbours expect to see a lady at Spoon Hall. In one winter, after the period of his misfortune, he became slack about his hunting, and there were rumours that he was carrying out that terrible threat of his as to the crusade which he would go to find a cure for his love. But his cousin took him in hand somewhat sharply, made him travel abroad during the summer, and brought him out the next season, "as fresh as paint," as the members of the Brake Hunt declared. It was known to every sportsman in the country that poor Mr. Spooner had been in love; but the affair was allowed to be a mystery, and no one ever spoke to Spooner himself upon the subject. It is probable that he now reaps no slight amount of gratification from his memory of the romance. The marriage between Gerard Maule and Adelaide Palliser was celebrated with great glory at Matching, and was mentioned in all the leading papers as an alliance in high life. When it became known to Mr. Maule, Senior, that this would be so, and that the lady would have a very considerable fortune from the old Duke, he reconciled himself to the marriage altogether, and at once gave way in that matter of Maule Abbey. Nothing he thought would be more suitable than that the young people should live at the old family place. So Maule Abbey was fitted up, and Mr. and Mrs. Maule have taken up their residence there. Under the influence of his wife he has promised to attend to his farming, and proposes to do no more than go out and see the hounds when they come into his neighbourhood. Let us hope that he may prosper. Should the farming come to a good end more will probably have been due to his wife's enterprise than to his own. The energetic father is, as all the world knows, now in pursuit of a widow with three thousand a year who has lately come out in Cavendish Square. Of poor Lord Fawn no good account can be given. To his thinking, official life had none of those drawbacks with which the fantastic feelings of Phineas Finn had invested it. He could have been happy for ever at the India Board or at the Colonial Office;--but his life was made a burden to him by the affair of the Bonteen murder. He was charged with having nearly led | nature | How many times the word 'nature' appears in the text? | 2 |
won't drink any wine we might as well go into the other room." Nothing had as yet been said on either of the subjects which had brought him to Saulsby, but there had been words which made the introduction of them peculiarly unpleasant. His tidings, however, must be told. "I shall not see Lord Brentford to-night?" he asked, when they were together in the drawing-room. "If you wish it you can go up to him. He will not come down." "Oh, no. It is only because I must return to-morrow." "To-morrow, Phineas!" "I must do so. I have pledged myself to see Mr. Monk,--and others also." "It is a short visit to make to us on my first return home! I hardly expected you at Loughlinter, but I thought that you might have remained a few nights under my father's roof." He could only reassert his assurance that he was bound to be back in London, and explain as best he might that he had come to Saulsby for a single night, only because he would not refuse her request to him. "I will not trouble you, Phineas, by complaints," she said. "I would give you no cause for complaint if I could avoid it." "And now tell me what has passed between you and Mr. Gresham," she said as soon as the servant had given them coffee. They were sitting by a window which opened down to the ground, and led on to the terrace and to the lawns below. The night was soft, and the air was heavy with the scent of many flowers. It was now past nine, and the sun had set; but there was a bright harvest moon, and the light, though pale, was clear as that of day. "Will you come and take a turn round the garden? We shall be better there than sitting here. I will get my hat; can I find yours for you?" So they both strolled out, down the terrace steps, and went forth, beyond the gardens, into the park, as though they had both intended from the first that it should be so. "I know you have not accepted Mr. Gresham's offer, or you would have told me so." "I have not accepted." "Nor have you refused?" "No; it is still open. I must send my answer by telegram to-morrow--Yes or No,--Mr. Gresham's time is too precious to admit of more." "Phineas, for Heaven's sake do not allow little feelings to injure you at such a time as this. It is of your own career, not of Mr. Gresham's manners, that you should think." "I have nothing to object to in Mr. Gresham. Yes or No will be quite sufficient." "It must be Yes." "It cannot be Yes, Lady Laura. That which I desired so ardently six months ago has now become so distasteful to me that I cannot accept it. There is an amount of hustling on the Treasury Bench which makes a seat there almost ignominious." "Do they hustle more than they did three years ago?" "I think they do, or if not it is more conspicuous to my eyes. I do not say that it need be ignominious. To such a one as was Mr. Palliser it certainly is not so. But it becomes so when a man goes there to get his bread, and has to fight his way as though for bare life. When office first comes, unasked for, almost unexpected, full of the charms which distance lends, it is pleasant enough. The new-comer begins to feel that he too is entitled to rub his shoulders among those who rule the world of Great Britain. But when it has been expected, longed for as I longed for it, asked for by my friends and refused, when all the world comes to know that you are a suitor for that which should come without any suit,--then the pleasantness vanishes." "I thought it was to be your career." "And I hoped so." "What will you do, Phineas? You cannot live without an income." "I must try," he said, laughing. "You will not share with your friend, as a friend should?" "No, Lady Laura. That cannot be done." "I do not see why it cannot. Then you might be independent." "Then I should indeed be dependent." "You are too proud to owe me anything." He wanted to tell her that he was too proud to owe such obligation as she had suggested to any man or any woman; but he hardly knew how to do so, intending as he did to inform her before they returned to the house of his intention to ask Madame Goesler to be his wife. He could discern the difference between enjoying his wife's fortune and taking gifts of money from one who was bound to him by no tie;--but to her in her present mood he could explain no such distinction. On a sudden he rushed at the matter in his mind. It had to be done, and must be done before he brought her back to the house. He was conscious that he had in no degree ill-used her. He had in nothing deceived her. He had kept back from her nothing which the truest friendship had called upon him to reveal to her. And yet he knew that her indignation would rise hot within her at his first word. "Laura," he said, forgetting in his confusion to remember her rank, "I had better tell you at once that I have determined to ask Madame Goesler to be my wife." "Oh, then;--of course your income is certain." "If you choose to regard my conduct in that light I cannot help it. I do not think that I deserve such reproach." "Why not tell it all? You are engaged to her?" "Not so. I have not asked her yet." "And why do you come to me with the story of your intentions,--to me of all persons in the world? I sometimes think that of all the hearts that ever dwelt within a man's bosom yours is the hardest." "For God's sake do not say that of me." "Do you remember when you came to me about Violet,--to me,--to me? I could bear it then because she was good and earnest, and a woman that I could love even though she robbed me. And I strove for you even against my own heart,--against my own brother. I did; I did. But how am I to bear it now? What shall I do now? She is a woman I loathe." "Because you do not know her." "Not know her! And are your eyes so clear at seeing that you must know her better than others? She was the Duke's mistress." "That is untrue, Lady Laura." "But what difference does it make to me? I shall be sure that you will have bread to eat, and horses to ride, and a seat in Parliament without being forced to earn it by your labour. We shall meet no more, of course." "I do not think that you can mean that." "I will never receive that woman, nor will I cross the sill of her door. Why should I?" "Should she become my wife,--that I would have thought might have been the reason why." "Surely, Phineas, no man ever understood a woman so ill as you do." "Because I would fain hope that I need not quarrel with my oldest friend?" "Yes, sir; because you think you can do this without quarrelling. How should I speak to her of you; how listen to what she would tell me? Phineas, you have killed me at last." Why could he not tell her that it was she who had done the wrong when she gave her hand to Robert Kennedy? But he could not tell her, and he was dumb. "And so it's settled!" "No; not settled." "Psha! I hate your mock modesty! It is settled. You have become far too cautious to risk fortune in such an adventure. Practice has taught you to be perfect. It was to tell me this that you came down here." "Partly so." "It would have been more generous of you, sir, to have remained away." "I did not mean to be ungenerous." Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck, and burying her face upon his bosom. They were at the moment in the centre of the park, on the grass beneath the trees, and the moon was bright over their heads. He held her to his breast while she sobbed, and then relaxed his hold as she raised herself to look into his face. After a moment she took his hat from his head with one hand, and with the other swept the hair back from his brow. "Oh, Phineas," she said, "Oh, my darling! My idol that I have worshipped when I should have worshipped my God!" [Illustration: Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck.] After that they roamed for nearly an hour backwards and forwards beneath the trees, till at last she became calm and almost reasonable. She acknowledged that she had long expected such a marriage, looking forward to it as a great sorrow. She repeated over and over again her assertion that she could not "know" Madame Goesler as the wife of Phineas, but abstained from further evil words respecting the lady. "It is better that we should be apart," she said at last. "I feel that it is better. When we are both old, if I should live, we may meet again. I knew that it was coming, and we had better part." And yet they remained out there, wandering about the park for a long portion of the summer night. She did not reproach him again, nor did she speak much of the future; but she alluded to all the incidents of their past life, showing him that nothing which he had done, no words which he had spoken, had been forgotten by her. "Of course it has been my fault," she said, as at last she parted with him in the drawing-room. "When I was younger I did not understand how strong the heart can be. I should have known it, and I pay for my ignorance with the penalty of my whole life." Then he left her, kissing her on both cheeks and on her brow, and went to his bedroom with the understanding that he would start for London on the following morning before she was up. CHAPTER LXXIX. AT LAST--AT LAST. As he took his ticket Phineas sent his message to the Prime Minister, taking that personage literally at his word. The message was, No. When writing it in the office it seemed to him to be uncourteous, but he found it difficult to add any other words that should make it less so. He supplemented it with a letter on his arrival in London, in which he expressed his regret that certain circumstances of his life which had occurred during the last month or two made him unfit to undertake the duties of the very pleasant office to which Mr. Gresham had kindly offered to appoint him. That done, he remained in town but one night, and then set his face again towards Matching. When he reached that place it was already known that he had refused to accept Mr. Gresham's offer, and he was met at once with regrets and condolements. "I am sorry that it must be so," said the Duke,--who was sorry, for he liked the man, but who said not a word more upon the subject. "You are still young, and will have further opportunities," said Lord Cantrip, "but I wish that you could have consented to come back to your old chair." "I hope that at any rate we shall not have you against us," said Sir Harry Coldfoot. Among themselves they declared one to another that he had been so completely upset by his imprisonment and subsequent trial as to be unable to undertake the work proposed to him. "It is not a very nice thing, you know, to be accused of murder," said Sir Gregory, "and to pass a month or two under the full conviction that you are going to be hung. He'll come right again some day. I only hope it may not be too late." "So you have decided for freedom?" said Madame Goesler to him that evening,--the evening of the day on which he had returned. "Yes, indeed." "I have nothing to say against your decision now. No doubt your feelings have prompted you right." "Now that it is done, of course I am full of regrets," said Phineas. "That is simple human nature, I suppose." "Simple enough; and the worst of it is that I cannot quite explain even to myself why I have done it. Every friend I had in the world told me that I was wrong, and yet I could not help myself. The thing was offered to me, not because I was thought to be fit for it, but because I had become wonderful by being brought near to a violent death! I remember once, when I was a child, having a rocking-horse given to me because I had fallen from the top of the house to the bottom without breaking my neck. The rocking-horse was very well then, but I don't care now to have one bestowed upon me for any such reason." "Still, if the rocking-horse is in itself a good rocking-horse--" "But it isn't." "I don't mean to say a word against your decision." "It isn't good. It is one of those toys which look to be so very desirable in the shop-windows, but which give no satisfaction when they are brought home. I'll tell you what occurred the other day. The circumstances happen to be known to me, though I cannot tell you my authority. My dear old friend Laurence Fitzgibbon, in the performance of his official duties, had to give an opinion on a matter affecting an expenditure of some thirty or forty thousand pounds of public money. I don't think that Laurence has generally a very strong bias this way or that on such questions, but in the case in question he took upon himself to be very decided. He wrote, or got some one to write, a report proving that the service of the country imperatively demanded that the money should be spent, and in doing so was strictly within his duty." "I am glad to hear that he can be so energetic." "The Chancellor of the Exchequer got hold of the matter, and told Fitzgibbon that the thing couldn't be done." "That was all right and constitutional, I suppose." "Quite right and constitutional. But something had to be said about it in the House, and Laurence, with all his usual fluency and beautiful Irish brogue, got up and explained that the money would be absolutely thrown away if expended on a purpose so futile as that proposed. I am assured that the great capacity which he has thus shown for official work and official life will cover a multitude of sins." "You would hardly have taken Mr. Fitzgibbon as your model statesman." "Certainly not;--and if the story affected him only it would hardly be worth telling. But the point of it lies in this;--that he disgusted no one by what he did. The Chancellor of the Exchequer thinks him a very convenient man to have about him, and Mr. Gresham feels the comfort of possessing tools so pliable." "Do you think that public life then is altogether a mistake, Mr. Finn?" "For a poor man I think that it is, in this country. A man of fortune may be independent; and because he has the power of independence those who are higher than he will not expect him to be subservient. A man who takes to parliamentary office for a living may live by it, but he will have but a dog's life of it." "If I were you, Mr. Finn, I certainly would not choose a dog's life." He said not a word to her on that occasion about herself, having made up his mind that a certain period of the following day should be chosen for the purpose, and he had hardly yet arranged in his mind what words he would use on that occasion. It seemed to him that there would be so much to be said that he must settle beforehand some order of saying it. It was not as though he had merely to tell her of his love. There had been talk of love between them before, on which occasion he had been compelled to tell her that he could not accept that which she offered to him. It would be impossible, he knew, not to refer to that former conversation. And then he had to tell her that he, now coming to her as a suitor and knowing her to be a very rich woman, was himself all but penniless. He was sure, or almost sure, that she was as well aware of this fact as he was himself; but, nevertheless, it was necessary that he should tell her of it,--and if possible so tell her as to force her to believe him when he assured her that he asked her to be his wife, not because she was rich, but because he loved her. It was impossible that all this should be said as they sat side by side in the drawing-room with a crowd of people almost within hearing, and Madame Goesler had just been called upon to play, which she always did directly she was asked. He was invited to make up a rubber, but he could not bring himself to care for cards at the present moment. So he sat apart and listened to the music. If all things went right with him to-morrow that music,--or the musician who made it,--would be his own for the rest of his life. Was he justified in expecting that she would give him so much? Of her great regard for him as a friend he had no doubt. She had shown it in various ways, and after a fashion that had made it known to all the world. But so had Lady Laura regarded him when he first told her of his love at Loughlinter. She had been his dearest friend, but she had declined to become his wife; and it had been partly so with Violet Effingham, whose friendship to him had been so sweet as to make him for a while almost think that there was more than friendship. Marie Goesler had certainly once loved him;--but so had he once loved Laura Standish. He had been wretched for a while because Lady Laura had refused him. His feelings now were altogether changed, and why should not the feelings of Madame Goesler have undergone a similar change? There was no doubt of her friendship; but then neither was there any doubt of his for Lady Laura. And in spite of her friendship, would not revenge be dear to her,--revenge of that nature which a slighted woman must always desire? He had rejected her, and would it not be fair also that he should be rejected? "I suppose you'll be in your own room before lunch to-morrow," he said to her as they separated for the night. It had come to pass from the constancy of her visits to Matching in the old Duke's time, that a certain small morning-room had been devoted to her, and this was still supposed to be her property,--so that she was not driven to herd with the public or to remain in her bedroom during all the hours of the morning. "Yes," she said; "I shall go out immediately after breakfast, but I shall soon be driven in by the heat, and then I shall be there till lunch. The Duchess always comes about half-past twelve, to complain generally of the guests." She answered him quite at her ease, making arrangement for privacy if he should desire it, but doing so as though she thought that he wanted to talk to her about his trial, or about politics, or the place he had just refused. Surely she would hardly have answered him after such a fashion had she suspected that he intended to ask her to be his wife. At a little before noon the next morning he knocked at her door, and was told to enter. "I didn't go out after all," she said. "I hadn't courage to face the sun." "I saw that you were not in the garden." "If I could have found you I would have told you that I should be here all the morning. I might have sent you a message, only--only I didn't." "I have come--" "I know why you have come." "I doubt that. I have come to tell you that I love you." "Oh Phineas;--at last, at last!" And in a moment she was in his arms. It seemed to him that from that moment all the explanations, and all the statements, and most of the assurances were made by her and not by him. After this first embrace he found himself seated beside her, holding her hand. "I do not know that I am right," said he. "Why not right?" "Because you are rich and I have nothing." "If you ever remind me of that again I will strike you," she said, raising up her little fist and bringing it down with gentle pressure on his shoulder. "Between you and me there must be nothing more about that. It must be an even partnership. There must be ever so much about money, and you'll have to go into dreadful details, and make journeys to Vienna to see that the houses don't tumble down;--but there must be no question between you and me of whence it came." "You will not think that I have to come to you for that?" "Have you ever known me to have a low opinion of myself? Is it probable that I shall account myself to be personally so mean and of so little value as to imagine that you cannot love me? I know you love me. But Phineas, I have not been sure till very lately that you would ever tell me so. As for me--! Oh, heavens! when I think of it." "Tell me that you love me now." "I think I have said so plainly enough. I have never ceased to love you since I first knew you well enough for love. And I'll tell you more,--though perhaps I shall say what you will think condemns me;--you are the only man I ever loved. My husband was very good to me,--and I was, I think, good to him. But he was many years my senior, and I cannot say I loved him,--as I do you." Then she turned to him, and put her head on his shoulder. "And I loved the old Duke, too, after a fashion. But it was a different thing from this. I will tell you something about him some day that I have never yet told to a human being." "Tell me now." "No; not till I am your wife. You must trust me. But I will tell you," she said, "lest you should be miserable. He asked me to be his wife." "The old Duke?" "Yes, indeed, and I refused to be a--duchess. Lady Glencora knew it all, and, just at the time I was breaking my heart,--like a fool, for you! Yes, for you! But I got over it, and am not broken-hearted a bit. Oh, Phineas, I am so happy now." Exactly at the time she had mentioned on the previous evening, at half-past twelve, the door was opened, and the Duchess entered the room. "Oh dear," she exclaimed, "perhaps I am in the way; perhaps I am interrupting secrets." "No, Duchess." "Shall I retire? I will at once if there be anything confidential going on." "It has gone on already, and been completed," said Madame Goesler rising from her seat. "It is only a trifle. Mr. Finn has asked me to be his wife." "Well?" "I couldn't refuse Mr. Finn a little thing like that." "I should think not, after going all the way to Prague to find a latch-key! I congratulate you, Mr. Finn, with all my heart." "Thanks, Duchess." "And when is it to be?" "We have not thought about that yet, Mr. Finn,--have we?" said Madame Goesler. "Adelaide Palliser is going to be married from here some time in the autumn," said the Duchess, "and you two had better take advantage of the occasion." This plan, however, was considered as being too rapid and rash. Marriage is a very serious affair, and many things would require arrangement. A lady with the wealth which belonged to Madame Goesler cannot bestow herself off-hand as may a curate's daughter, let her be ever so willing to give her money as well as herself. It was impossible that a day should be fixed quite at once; but the Duchess was allowed to understand that the affair might be mentioned. Before dinner on that day every one of the guests at Matching Priory knew that the man who had refused to be made Under-Secretary of State had been accepted by that possessor of fabulous wealth who was well known to the world as Madame Goesler of Park Lane. "I am very glad that you did not take office under Mr. Gresham," she said to him when they first met each other again in London. "Of course when I was advising you I could not be sure that this would happen. Now you can bide your time, and if the opportunity offers you can go to work under better auspices." CHAPTER LXXX. CONCLUSION. There remains to us the very easy task of collecting together the ends of the thread of our narrative, and tying them into a simple knot, so that there may be no unravelling. Of Mr. Emilius it has been already said that his good fortune clung to him so far that it was found impossible to connect him with the tragedy of Bolton Row. But he was made to vanish for a certain number of years from the world, and dear little Lizzie Eustace was left a free woman. When last we heard of her she was at Naples, and there was then a rumour that she was about to join her fate to that of Lord George de Bruce Carruthers, with whom pecuniary matters had lately not been going comfortably. Let us hope that the match, should it be a match, may lead to the happiness and respectability of both of them. As all the world knows, Lord and Lady Chiltern still live at Harrington Hall, and he has been considered to do very well with the Brake country. He still grumbles about Trumpeton Wood, and says that it will take a lifetime to repair the injuries done by Mr. Fothergill;--but then who ever knew a Master of Hounds who wasn't ill-treated by the owners of coverts? Of Mr. Tom Spooner it can only be said that he is still a bachelor, living with his cousin Ned, and that none of the neighbours expect to see a lady at Spoon Hall. In one winter, after the period of his misfortune, he became slack about his hunting, and there were rumours that he was carrying out that terrible threat of his as to the crusade which he would go to find a cure for his love. But his cousin took him in hand somewhat sharply, made him travel abroad during the summer, and brought him out the next season, "as fresh as paint," as the members of the Brake Hunt declared. It was known to every sportsman in the country that poor Mr. Spooner had been in love; but the affair was allowed to be a mystery, and no one ever spoke to Spooner himself upon the subject. It is probable that he now reaps no slight amount of gratification from his memory of the romance. The marriage between Gerard Maule and Adelaide Palliser was celebrated with great glory at Matching, and was mentioned in all the leading papers as an alliance in high life. When it became known to Mr. Maule, Senior, that this would be so, and that the lady would have a very considerable fortune from the old Duke, he reconciled himself to the marriage altogether, and at once gave way in that matter of Maule Abbey. Nothing he thought would be more suitable than that the young people should live at the old family place. So Maule Abbey was fitted up, and Mr. and Mrs. Maule have taken up their residence there. Under the influence of his wife he has promised to attend to his farming, and proposes to do no more than go out and see the hounds when they come into his neighbourhood. Let us hope that he may prosper. Should the farming come to a good end more will probably have been due to his wife's enterprise than to his own. The energetic father is, as all the world knows, now in pursuit of a widow with three thousand a year who has lately come out in Cavendish Square. Of poor Lord Fawn no good account can be given. To his thinking, official life had none of those drawbacks with which the fantastic feelings of Phineas Finn had invested it. He could have been happy for ever at the India Board or at the Colonial Office;--but his life was made a burden to him by the affair of the Bonteen murder. He was charged with having nearly led | present | How many times the word 'present' appears in the text? | 2 |
won't drink any wine we might as well go into the other room." Nothing had as yet been said on either of the subjects which had brought him to Saulsby, but there had been words which made the introduction of them peculiarly unpleasant. His tidings, however, must be told. "I shall not see Lord Brentford to-night?" he asked, when they were together in the drawing-room. "If you wish it you can go up to him. He will not come down." "Oh, no. It is only because I must return to-morrow." "To-morrow, Phineas!" "I must do so. I have pledged myself to see Mr. Monk,--and others also." "It is a short visit to make to us on my first return home! I hardly expected you at Loughlinter, but I thought that you might have remained a few nights under my father's roof." He could only reassert his assurance that he was bound to be back in London, and explain as best he might that he had come to Saulsby for a single night, only because he would not refuse her request to him. "I will not trouble you, Phineas, by complaints," she said. "I would give you no cause for complaint if I could avoid it." "And now tell me what has passed between you and Mr. Gresham," she said as soon as the servant had given them coffee. They were sitting by a window which opened down to the ground, and led on to the terrace and to the lawns below. The night was soft, and the air was heavy with the scent of many flowers. It was now past nine, and the sun had set; but there was a bright harvest moon, and the light, though pale, was clear as that of day. "Will you come and take a turn round the garden? We shall be better there than sitting here. I will get my hat; can I find yours for you?" So they both strolled out, down the terrace steps, and went forth, beyond the gardens, into the park, as though they had both intended from the first that it should be so. "I know you have not accepted Mr. Gresham's offer, or you would have told me so." "I have not accepted." "Nor have you refused?" "No; it is still open. I must send my answer by telegram to-morrow--Yes or No,--Mr. Gresham's time is too precious to admit of more." "Phineas, for Heaven's sake do not allow little feelings to injure you at such a time as this. It is of your own career, not of Mr. Gresham's manners, that you should think." "I have nothing to object to in Mr. Gresham. Yes or No will be quite sufficient." "It must be Yes." "It cannot be Yes, Lady Laura. That which I desired so ardently six months ago has now become so distasteful to me that I cannot accept it. There is an amount of hustling on the Treasury Bench which makes a seat there almost ignominious." "Do they hustle more than they did three years ago?" "I think they do, or if not it is more conspicuous to my eyes. I do not say that it need be ignominious. To such a one as was Mr. Palliser it certainly is not so. But it becomes so when a man goes there to get his bread, and has to fight his way as though for bare life. When office first comes, unasked for, almost unexpected, full of the charms which distance lends, it is pleasant enough. The new-comer begins to feel that he too is entitled to rub his shoulders among those who rule the world of Great Britain. But when it has been expected, longed for as I longed for it, asked for by my friends and refused, when all the world comes to know that you are a suitor for that which should come without any suit,--then the pleasantness vanishes." "I thought it was to be your career." "And I hoped so." "What will you do, Phineas? You cannot live without an income." "I must try," he said, laughing. "You will not share with your friend, as a friend should?" "No, Lady Laura. That cannot be done." "I do not see why it cannot. Then you might be independent." "Then I should indeed be dependent." "You are too proud to owe me anything." He wanted to tell her that he was too proud to owe such obligation as she had suggested to any man or any woman; but he hardly knew how to do so, intending as he did to inform her before they returned to the house of his intention to ask Madame Goesler to be his wife. He could discern the difference between enjoying his wife's fortune and taking gifts of money from one who was bound to him by no tie;--but to her in her present mood he could explain no such distinction. On a sudden he rushed at the matter in his mind. It had to be done, and must be done before he brought her back to the house. He was conscious that he had in no degree ill-used her. He had in nothing deceived her. He had kept back from her nothing which the truest friendship had called upon him to reveal to her. And yet he knew that her indignation would rise hot within her at his first word. "Laura," he said, forgetting in his confusion to remember her rank, "I had better tell you at once that I have determined to ask Madame Goesler to be my wife." "Oh, then;--of course your income is certain." "If you choose to regard my conduct in that light I cannot help it. I do not think that I deserve such reproach." "Why not tell it all? You are engaged to her?" "Not so. I have not asked her yet." "And why do you come to me with the story of your intentions,--to me of all persons in the world? I sometimes think that of all the hearts that ever dwelt within a man's bosom yours is the hardest." "For God's sake do not say that of me." "Do you remember when you came to me about Violet,--to me,--to me? I could bear it then because she was good and earnest, and a woman that I could love even though she robbed me. And I strove for you even against my own heart,--against my own brother. I did; I did. But how am I to bear it now? What shall I do now? She is a woman I loathe." "Because you do not know her." "Not know her! And are your eyes so clear at seeing that you must know her better than others? She was the Duke's mistress." "That is untrue, Lady Laura." "But what difference does it make to me? I shall be sure that you will have bread to eat, and horses to ride, and a seat in Parliament without being forced to earn it by your labour. We shall meet no more, of course." "I do not think that you can mean that." "I will never receive that woman, nor will I cross the sill of her door. Why should I?" "Should she become my wife,--that I would have thought might have been the reason why." "Surely, Phineas, no man ever understood a woman so ill as you do." "Because I would fain hope that I need not quarrel with my oldest friend?" "Yes, sir; because you think you can do this without quarrelling. How should I speak to her of you; how listen to what she would tell me? Phineas, you have killed me at last." Why could he not tell her that it was she who had done the wrong when she gave her hand to Robert Kennedy? But he could not tell her, and he was dumb. "And so it's settled!" "No; not settled." "Psha! I hate your mock modesty! It is settled. You have become far too cautious to risk fortune in such an adventure. Practice has taught you to be perfect. It was to tell me this that you came down here." "Partly so." "It would have been more generous of you, sir, to have remained away." "I did not mean to be ungenerous." Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck, and burying her face upon his bosom. They were at the moment in the centre of the park, on the grass beneath the trees, and the moon was bright over their heads. He held her to his breast while she sobbed, and then relaxed his hold as she raised herself to look into his face. After a moment she took his hat from his head with one hand, and with the other swept the hair back from his brow. "Oh, Phineas," she said, "Oh, my darling! My idol that I have worshipped when I should have worshipped my God!" [Illustration: Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck.] After that they roamed for nearly an hour backwards and forwards beneath the trees, till at last she became calm and almost reasonable. She acknowledged that she had long expected such a marriage, looking forward to it as a great sorrow. She repeated over and over again her assertion that she could not "know" Madame Goesler as the wife of Phineas, but abstained from further evil words respecting the lady. "It is better that we should be apart," she said at last. "I feel that it is better. When we are both old, if I should live, we may meet again. I knew that it was coming, and we had better part." And yet they remained out there, wandering about the park for a long portion of the summer night. She did not reproach him again, nor did she speak much of the future; but she alluded to all the incidents of their past life, showing him that nothing which he had done, no words which he had spoken, had been forgotten by her. "Of course it has been my fault," she said, as at last she parted with him in the drawing-room. "When I was younger I did not understand how strong the heart can be. I should have known it, and I pay for my ignorance with the penalty of my whole life." Then he left her, kissing her on both cheeks and on her brow, and went to his bedroom with the understanding that he would start for London on the following morning before she was up. CHAPTER LXXIX. AT LAST--AT LAST. As he took his ticket Phineas sent his message to the Prime Minister, taking that personage literally at his word. The message was, No. When writing it in the office it seemed to him to be uncourteous, but he found it difficult to add any other words that should make it less so. He supplemented it with a letter on his arrival in London, in which he expressed his regret that certain circumstances of his life which had occurred during the last month or two made him unfit to undertake the duties of the very pleasant office to which Mr. Gresham had kindly offered to appoint him. That done, he remained in town but one night, and then set his face again towards Matching. When he reached that place it was already known that he had refused to accept Mr. Gresham's offer, and he was met at once with regrets and condolements. "I am sorry that it must be so," said the Duke,--who was sorry, for he liked the man, but who said not a word more upon the subject. "You are still young, and will have further opportunities," said Lord Cantrip, "but I wish that you could have consented to come back to your old chair." "I hope that at any rate we shall not have you against us," said Sir Harry Coldfoot. Among themselves they declared one to another that he had been so completely upset by his imprisonment and subsequent trial as to be unable to undertake the work proposed to him. "It is not a very nice thing, you know, to be accused of murder," said Sir Gregory, "and to pass a month or two under the full conviction that you are going to be hung. He'll come right again some day. I only hope it may not be too late." "So you have decided for freedom?" said Madame Goesler to him that evening,--the evening of the day on which he had returned. "Yes, indeed." "I have nothing to say against your decision now. No doubt your feelings have prompted you right." "Now that it is done, of course I am full of regrets," said Phineas. "That is simple human nature, I suppose." "Simple enough; and the worst of it is that I cannot quite explain even to myself why I have done it. Every friend I had in the world told me that I was wrong, and yet I could not help myself. The thing was offered to me, not because I was thought to be fit for it, but because I had become wonderful by being brought near to a violent death! I remember once, when I was a child, having a rocking-horse given to me because I had fallen from the top of the house to the bottom without breaking my neck. The rocking-horse was very well then, but I don't care now to have one bestowed upon me for any such reason." "Still, if the rocking-horse is in itself a good rocking-horse--" "But it isn't." "I don't mean to say a word against your decision." "It isn't good. It is one of those toys which look to be so very desirable in the shop-windows, but which give no satisfaction when they are brought home. I'll tell you what occurred the other day. The circumstances happen to be known to me, though I cannot tell you my authority. My dear old friend Laurence Fitzgibbon, in the performance of his official duties, had to give an opinion on a matter affecting an expenditure of some thirty or forty thousand pounds of public money. I don't think that Laurence has generally a very strong bias this way or that on such questions, but in the case in question he took upon himself to be very decided. He wrote, or got some one to write, a report proving that the service of the country imperatively demanded that the money should be spent, and in doing so was strictly within his duty." "I am glad to hear that he can be so energetic." "The Chancellor of the Exchequer got hold of the matter, and told Fitzgibbon that the thing couldn't be done." "That was all right and constitutional, I suppose." "Quite right and constitutional. But something had to be said about it in the House, and Laurence, with all his usual fluency and beautiful Irish brogue, got up and explained that the money would be absolutely thrown away if expended on a purpose so futile as that proposed. I am assured that the great capacity which he has thus shown for official work and official life will cover a multitude of sins." "You would hardly have taken Mr. Fitzgibbon as your model statesman." "Certainly not;--and if the story affected him only it would hardly be worth telling. But the point of it lies in this;--that he disgusted no one by what he did. The Chancellor of the Exchequer thinks him a very convenient man to have about him, and Mr. Gresham feels the comfort of possessing tools so pliable." "Do you think that public life then is altogether a mistake, Mr. Finn?" "For a poor man I think that it is, in this country. A man of fortune may be independent; and because he has the power of independence those who are higher than he will not expect him to be subservient. A man who takes to parliamentary office for a living may live by it, but he will have but a dog's life of it." "If I were you, Mr. Finn, I certainly would not choose a dog's life." He said not a word to her on that occasion about herself, having made up his mind that a certain period of the following day should be chosen for the purpose, and he had hardly yet arranged in his mind what words he would use on that occasion. It seemed to him that there would be so much to be said that he must settle beforehand some order of saying it. It was not as though he had merely to tell her of his love. There had been talk of love between them before, on which occasion he had been compelled to tell her that he could not accept that which she offered to him. It would be impossible, he knew, not to refer to that former conversation. And then he had to tell her that he, now coming to her as a suitor and knowing her to be a very rich woman, was himself all but penniless. He was sure, or almost sure, that she was as well aware of this fact as he was himself; but, nevertheless, it was necessary that he should tell her of it,--and if possible so tell her as to force her to believe him when he assured her that he asked her to be his wife, not because she was rich, but because he loved her. It was impossible that all this should be said as they sat side by side in the drawing-room with a crowd of people almost within hearing, and Madame Goesler had just been called upon to play, which she always did directly she was asked. He was invited to make up a rubber, but he could not bring himself to care for cards at the present moment. So he sat apart and listened to the music. If all things went right with him to-morrow that music,--or the musician who made it,--would be his own for the rest of his life. Was he justified in expecting that she would give him so much? Of her great regard for him as a friend he had no doubt. She had shown it in various ways, and after a fashion that had made it known to all the world. But so had Lady Laura regarded him when he first told her of his love at Loughlinter. She had been his dearest friend, but she had declined to become his wife; and it had been partly so with Violet Effingham, whose friendship to him had been so sweet as to make him for a while almost think that there was more than friendship. Marie Goesler had certainly once loved him;--but so had he once loved Laura Standish. He had been wretched for a while because Lady Laura had refused him. His feelings now were altogether changed, and why should not the feelings of Madame Goesler have undergone a similar change? There was no doubt of her friendship; but then neither was there any doubt of his for Lady Laura. And in spite of her friendship, would not revenge be dear to her,--revenge of that nature which a slighted woman must always desire? He had rejected her, and would it not be fair also that he should be rejected? "I suppose you'll be in your own room before lunch to-morrow," he said to her as they separated for the night. It had come to pass from the constancy of her visits to Matching in the old Duke's time, that a certain small morning-room had been devoted to her, and this was still supposed to be her property,--so that she was not driven to herd with the public or to remain in her bedroom during all the hours of the morning. "Yes," she said; "I shall go out immediately after breakfast, but I shall soon be driven in by the heat, and then I shall be there till lunch. The Duchess always comes about half-past twelve, to complain generally of the guests." She answered him quite at her ease, making arrangement for privacy if he should desire it, but doing so as though she thought that he wanted to talk to her about his trial, or about politics, or the place he had just refused. Surely she would hardly have answered him after such a fashion had she suspected that he intended to ask her to be his wife. At a little before noon the next morning he knocked at her door, and was told to enter. "I didn't go out after all," she said. "I hadn't courage to face the sun." "I saw that you were not in the garden." "If I could have found you I would have told you that I should be here all the morning. I might have sent you a message, only--only I didn't." "I have come--" "I know why you have come." "I doubt that. I have come to tell you that I love you." "Oh Phineas;--at last, at last!" And in a moment she was in his arms. It seemed to him that from that moment all the explanations, and all the statements, and most of the assurances were made by her and not by him. After this first embrace he found himself seated beside her, holding her hand. "I do not know that I am right," said he. "Why not right?" "Because you are rich and I have nothing." "If you ever remind me of that again I will strike you," she said, raising up her little fist and bringing it down with gentle pressure on his shoulder. "Between you and me there must be nothing more about that. It must be an even partnership. There must be ever so much about money, and you'll have to go into dreadful details, and make journeys to Vienna to see that the houses don't tumble down;--but there must be no question between you and me of whence it came." "You will not think that I have to come to you for that?" "Have you ever known me to have a low opinion of myself? Is it probable that I shall account myself to be personally so mean and of so little value as to imagine that you cannot love me? I know you love me. But Phineas, I have not been sure till very lately that you would ever tell me so. As for me--! Oh, heavens! when I think of it." "Tell me that you love me now." "I think I have said so plainly enough. I have never ceased to love you since I first knew you well enough for love. And I'll tell you more,--though perhaps I shall say what you will think condemns me;--you are the only man I ever loved. My husband was very good to me,--and I was, I think, good to him. But he was many years my senior, and I cannot say I loved him,--as I do you." Then she turned to him, and put her head on his shoulder. "And I loved the old Duke, too, after a fashion. But it was a different thing from this. I will tell you something about him some day that I have never yet told to a human being." "Tell me now." "No; not till I am your wife. You must trust me. But I will tell you," she said, "lest you should be miserable. He asked me to be his wife." "The old Duke?" "Yes, indeed, and I refused to be a--duchess. Lady Glencora knew it all, and, just at the time I was breaking my heart,--like a fool, for you! Yes, for you! But I got over it, and am not broken-hearted a bit. Oh, Phineas, I am so happy now." Exactly at the time she had mentioned on the previous evening, at half-past twelve, the door was opened, and the Duchess entered the room. "Oh dear," she exclaimed, "perhaps I am in the way; perhaps I am interrupting secrets." "No, Duchess." "Shall I retire? I will at once if there be anything confidential going on." "It has gone on already, and been completed," said Madame Goesler rising from her seat. "It is only a trifle. Mr. Finn has asked me to be his wife." "Well?" "I couldn't refuse Mr. Finn a little thing like that." "I should think not, after going all the way to Prague to find a latch-key! I congratulate you, Mr. Finn, with all my heart." "Thanks, Duchess." "And when is it to be?" "We have not thought about that yet, Mr. Finn,--have we?" said Madame Goesler. "Adelaide Palliser is going to be married from here some time in the autumn," said the Duchess, "and you two had better take advantage of the occasion." This plan, however, was considered as being too rapid and rash. Marriage is a very serious affair, and many things would require arrangement. A lady with the wealth which belonged to Madame Goesler cannot bestow herself off-hand as may a curate's daughter, let her be ever so willing to give her money as well as herself. It was impossible that a day should be fixed quite at once; but the Duchess was allowed to understand that the affair might be mentioned. Before dinner on that day every one of the guests at Matching Priory knew that the man who had refused to be made Under-Secretary of State had been accepted by that possessor of fabulous wealth who was well known to the world as Madame Goesler of Park Lane. "I am very glad that you did not take office under Mr. Gresham," she said to him when they first met each other again in London. "Of course when I was advising you I could not be sure that this would happen. Now you can bide your time, and if the opportunity offers you can go to work under better auspices." CHAPTER LXXX. CONCLUSION. There remains to us the very easy task of collecting together the ends of the thread of our narrative, and tying them into a simple knot, so that there may be no unravelling. Of Mr. Emilius it has been already said that his good fortune clung to him so far that it was found impossible to connect him with the tragedy of Bolton Row. But he was made to vanish for a certain number of years from the world, and dear little Lizzie Eustace was left a free woman. When last we heard of her she was at Naples, and there was then a rumour that she was about to join her fate to that of Lord George de Bruce Carruthers, with whom pecuniary matters had lately not been going comfortably. Let us hope that the match, should it be a match, may lead to the happiness and respectability of both of them. As all the world knows, Lord and Lady Chiltern still live at Harrington Hall, and he has been considered to do very well with the Brake country. He still grumbles about Trumpeton Wood, and says that it will take a lifetime to repair the injuries done by Mr. Fothergill;--but then who ever knew a Master of Hounds who wasn't ill-treated by the owners of coverts? Of Mr. Tom Spooner it can only be said that he is still a bachelor, living with his cousin Ned, and that none of the neighbours expect to see a lady at Spoon Hall. In one winter, after the period of his misfortune, he became slack about his hunting, and there were rumours that he was carrying out that terrible threat of his as to the crusade which he would go to find a cure for his love. But his cousin took him in hand somewhat sharply, made him travel abroad during the summer, and brought him out the next season, "as fresh as paint," as the members of the Brake Hunt declared. It was known to every sportsman in the country that poor Mr. Spooner had been in love; but the affair was allowed to be a mystery, and no one ever spoke to Spooner himself upon the subject. It is probable that he now reaps no slight amount of gratification from his memory of the romance. The marriage between Gerard Maule and Adelaide Palliser was celebrated with great glory at Matching, and was mentioned in all the leading papers as an alliance in high life. When it became known to Mr. Maule, Senior, that this would be so, and that the lady would have a very considerable fortune from the old Duke, he reconciled himself to the marriage altogether, and at once gave way in that matter of Maule Abbey. Nothing he thought would be more suitable than that the young people should live at the old family place. So Maule Abbey was fitted up, and Mr. and Mrs. Maule have taken up their residence there. Under the influence of his wife he has promised to attend to his farming, and proposes to do no more than go out and see the hounds when they come into his neighbourhood. Let us hope that he may prosper. Should the farming come to a good end more will probably have been due to his wife's enterprise than to his own. The energetic father is, as all the world knows, now in pursuit of a widow with three thousand a year who has lately come out in Cavendish Square. Of poor Lord Fawn no good account can be given. To his thinking, official life had none of those drawbacks with which the fantastic feelings of Phineas Finn had invested it. He could have been happy for ever at the India Board or at the Colonial Office;--but his life was made a burden to him by the affair of the Bonteen murder. He was charged with having nearly led | rigeuer | How many times the word 'rigeuer' appears in the text? | 0 |
won't drink any wine we might as well go into the other room." Nothing had as yet been said on either of the subjects which had brought him to Saulsby, but there had been words which made the introduction of them peculiarly unpleasant. His tidings, however, must be told. "I shall not see Lord Brentford to-night?" he asked, when they were together in the drawing-room. "If you wish it you can go up to him. He will not come down." "Oh, no. It is only because I must return to-morrow." "To-morrow, Phineas!" "I must do so. I have pledged myself to see Mr. Monk,--and others also." "It is a short visit to make to us on my first return home! I hardly expected you at Loughlinter, but I thought that you might have remained a few nights under my father's roof." He could only reassert his assurance that he was bound to be back in London, and explain as best he might that he had come to Saulsby for a single night, only because he would not refuse her request to him. "I will not trouble you, Phineas, by complaints," she said. "I would give you no cause for complaint if I could avoid it." "And now tell me what has passed between you and Mr. Gresham," she said as soon as the servant had given them coffee. They were sitting by a window which opened down to the ground, and led on to the terrace and to the lawns below. The night was soft, and the air was heavy with the scent of many flowers. It was now past nine, and the sun had set; but there was a bright harvest moon, and the light, though pale, was clear as that of day. "Will you come and take a turn round the garden? We shall be better there than sitting here. I will get my hat; can I find yours for you?" So they both strolled out, down the terrace steps, and went forth, beyond the gardens, into the park, as though they had both intended from the first that it should be so. "I know you have not accepted Mr. Gresham's offer, or you would have told me so." "I have not accepted." "Nor have you refused?" "No; it is still open. I must send my answer by telegram to-morrow--Yes or No,--Mr. Gresham's time is too precious to admit of more." "Phineas, for Heaven's sake do not allow little feelings to injure you at such a time as this. It is of your own career, not of Mr. Gresham's manners, that you should think." "I have nothing to object to in Mr. Gresham. Yes or No will be quite sufficient." "It must be Yes." "It cannot be Yes, Lady Laura. That which I desired so ardently six months ago has now become so distasteful to me that I cannot accept it. There is an amount of hustling on the Treasury Bench which makes a seat there almost ignominious." "Do they hustle more than they did three years ago?" "I think they do, or if not it is more conspicuous to my eyes. I do not say that it need be ignominious. To such a one as was Mr. Palliser it certainly is not so. But it becomes so when a man goes there to get his bread, and has to fight his way as though for bare life. When office first comes, unasked for, almost unexpected, full of the charms which distance lends, it is pleasant enough. The new-comer begins to feel that he too is entitled to rub his shoulders among those who rule the world of Great Britain. But when it has been expected, longed for as I longed for it, asked for by my friends and refused, when all the world comes to know that you are a suitor for that which should come without any suit,--then the pleasantness vanishes." "I thought it was to be your career." "And I hoped so." "What will you do, Phineas? You cannot live without an income." "I must try," he said, laughing. "You will not share with your friend, as a friend should?" "No, Lady Laura. That cannot be done." "I do not see why it cannot. Then you might be independent." "Then I should indeed be dependent." "You are too proud to owe me anything." He wanted to tell her that he was too proud to owe such obligation as she had suggested to any man or any woman; but he hardly knew how to do so, intending as he did to inform her before they returned to the house of his intention to ask Madame Goesler to be his wife. He could discern the difference between enjoying his wife's fortune and taking gifts of money from one who was bound to him by no tie;--but to her in her present mood he could explain no such distinction. On a sudden he rushed at the matter in his mind. It had to be done, and must be done before he brought her back to the house. He was conscious that he had in no degree ill-used her. He had in nothing deceived her. He had kept back from her nothing which the truest friendship had called upon him to reveal to her. And yet he knew that her indignation would rise hot within her at his first word. "Laura," he said, forgetting in his confusion to remember her rank, "I had better tell you at once that I have determined to ask Madame Goesler to be my wife." "Oh, then;--of course your income is certain." "If you choose to regard my conduct in that light I cannot help it. I do not think that I deserve such reproach." "Why not tell it all? You are engaged to her?" "Not so. I have not asked her yet." "And why do you come to me with the story of your intentions,--to me of all persons in the world? I sometimes think that of all the hearts that ever dwelt within a man's bosom yours is the hardest." "For God's sake do not say that of me." "Do you remember when you came to me about Violet,--to me,--to me? I could bear it then because she was good and earnest, and a woman that I could love even though she robbed me. And I strove for you even against my own heart,--against my own brother. I did; I did. But how am I to bear it now? What shall I do now? She is a woman I loathe." "Because you do not know her." "Not know her! And are your eyes so clear at seeing that you must know her better than others? She was the Duke's mistress." "That is untrue, Lady Laura." "But what difference does it make to me? I shall be sure that you will have bread to eat, and horses to ride, and a seat in Parliament without being forced to earn it by your labour. We shall meet no more, of course." "I do not think that you can mean that." "I will never receive that woman, nor will I cross the sill of her door. Why should I?" "Should she become my wife,--that I would have thought might have been the reason why." "Surely, Phineas, no man ever understood a woman so ill as you do." "Because I would fain hope that I need not quarrel with my oldest friend?" "Yes, sir; because you think you can do this without quarrelling. How should I speak to her of you; how listen to what she would tell me? Phineas, you have killed me at last." Why could he not tell her that it was she who had done the wrong when she gave her hand to Robert Kennedy? But he could not tell her, and he was dumb. "And so it's settled!" "No; not settled." "Psha! I hate your mock modesty! It is settled. You have become far too cautious to risk fortune in such an adventure. Practice has taught you to be perfect. It was to tell me this that you came down here." "Partly so." "It would have been more generous of you, sir, to have remained away." "I did not mean to be ungenerous." Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck, and burying her face upon his bosom. They were at the moment in the centre of the park, on the grass beneath the trees, and the moon was bright over their heads. He held her to his breast while she sobbed, and then relaxed his hold as she raised herself to look into his face. After a moment she took his hat from his head with one hand, and with the other swept the hair back from his brow. "Oh, Phineas," she said, "Oh, my darling! My idol that I have worshipped when I should have worshipped my God!" [Illustration: Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck.] After that they roamed for nearly an hour backwards and forwards beneath the trees, till at last she became calm and almost reasonable. She acknowledged that she had long expected such a marriage, looking forward to it as a great sorrow. She repeated over and over again her assertion that she could not "know" Madame Goesler as the wife of Phineas, but abstained from further evil words respecting the lady. "It is better that we should be apart," she said at last. "I feel that it is better. When we are both old, if I should live, we may meet again. I knew that it was coming, and we had better part." And yet they remained out there, wandering about the park for a long portion of the summer night. She did not reproach him again, nor did she speak much of the future; but she alluded to all the incidents of their past life, showing him that nothing which he had done, no words which he had spoken, had been forgotten by her. "Of course it has been my fault," she said, as at last she parted with him in the drawing-room. "When I was younger I did not understand how strong the heart can be. I should have known it, and I pay for my ignorance with the penalty of my whole life." Then he left her, kissing her on both cheeks and on her brow, and went to his bedroom with the understanding that he would start for London on the following morning before she was up. CHAPTER LXXIX. AT LAST--AT LAST. As he took his ticket Phineas sent his message to the Prime Minister, taking that personage literally at his word. The message was, No. When writing it in the office it seemed to him to be uncourteous, but he found it difficult to add any other words that should make it less so. He supplemented it with a letter on his arrival in London, in which he expressed his regret that certain circumstances of his life which had occurred during the last month or two made him unfit to undertake the duties of the very pleasant office to which Mr. Gresham had kindly offered to appoint him. That done, he remained in town but one night, and then set his face again towards Matching. When he reached that place it was already known that he had refused to accept Mr. Gresham's offer, and he was met at once with regrets and condolements. "I am sorry that it must be so," said the Duke,--who was sorry, for he liked the man, but who said not a word more upon the subject. "You are still young, and will have further opportunities," said Lord Cantrip, "but I wish that you could have consented to come back to your old chair." "I hope that at any rate we shall not have you against us," said Sir Harry Coldfoot. Among themselves they declared one to another that he had been so completely upset by his imprisonment and subsequent trial as to be unable to undertake the work proposed to him. "It is not a very nice thing, you know, to be accused of murder," said Sir Gregory, "and to pass a month or two under the full conviction that you are going to be hung. He'll come right again some day. I only hope it may not be too late." "So you have decided for freedom?" said Madame Goesler to him that evening,--the evening of the day on which he had returned. "Yes, indeed." "I have nothing to say against your decision now. No doubt your feelings have prompted you right." "Now that it is done, of course I am full of regrets," said Phineas. "That is simple human nature, I suppose." "Simple enough; and the worst of it is that I cannot quite explain even to myself why I have done it. Every friend I had in the world told me that I was wrong, and yet I could not help myself. The thing was offered to me, not because I was thought to be fit for it, but because I had become wonderful by being brought near to a violent death! I remember once, when I was a child, having a rocking-horse given to me because I had fallen from the top of the house to the bottom without breaking my neck. The rocking-horse was very well then, but I don't care now to have one bestowed upon me for any such reason." "Still, if the rocking-horse is in itself a good rocking-horse--" "But it isn't." "I don't mean to say a word against your decision." "It isn't good. It is one of those toys which look to be so very desirable in the shop-windows, but which give no satisfaction when they are brought home. I'll tell you what occurred the other day. The circumstances happen to be known to me, though I cannot tell you my authority. My dear old friend Laurence Fitzgibbon, in the performance of his official duties, had to give an opinion on a matter affecting an expenditure of some thirty or forty thousand pounds of public money. I don't think that Laurence has generally a very strong bias this way or that on such questions, but in the case in question he took upon himself to be very decided. He wrote, or got some one to write, a report proving that the service of the country imperatively demanded that the money should be spent, and in doing so was strictly within his duty." "I am glad to hear that he can be so energetic." "The Chancellor of the Exchequer got hold of the matter, and told Fitzgibbon that the thing couldn't be done." "That was all right and constitutional, I suppose." "Quite right and constitutional. But something had to be said about it in the House, and Laurence, with all his usual fluency and beautiful Irish brogue, got up and explained that the money would be absolutely thrown away if expended on a purpose so futile as that proposed. I am assured that the great capacity which he has thus shown for official work and official life will cover a multitude of sins." "You would hardly have taken Mr. Fitzgibbon as your model statesman." "Certainly not;--and if the story affected him only it would hardly be worth telling. But the point of it lies in this;--that he disgusted no one by what he did. The Chancellor of the Exchequer thinks him a very convenient man to have about him, and Mr. Gresham feels the comfort of possessing tools so pliable." "Do you think that public life then is altogether a mistake, Mr. Finn?" "For a poor man I think that it is, in this country. A man of fortune may be independent; and because he has the power of independence those who are higher than he will not expect him to be subservient. A man who takes to parliamentary office for a living may live by it, but he will have but a dog's life of it." "If I were you, Mr. Finn, I certainly would not choose a dog's life." He said not a word to her on that occasion about herself, having made up his mind that a certain period of the following day should be chosen for the purpose, and he had hardly yet arranged in his mind what words he would use on that occasion. It seemed to him that there would be so much to be said that he must settle beforehand some order of saying it. It was not as though he had merely to tell her of his love. There had been talk of love between them before, on which occasion he had been compelled to tell her that he could not accept that which she offered to him. It would be impossible, he knew, not to refer to that former conversation. And then he had to tell her that he, now coming to her as a suitor and knowing her to be a very rich woman, was himself all but penniless. He was sure, or almost sure, that she was as well aware of this fact as he was himself; but, nevertheless, it was necessary that he should tell her of it,--and if possible so tell her as to force her to believe him when he assured her that he asked her to be his wife, not because she was rich, but because he loved her. It was impossible that all this should be said as they sat side by side in the drawing-room with a crowd of people almost within hearing, and Madame Goesler had just been called upon to play, which she always did directly she was asked. He was invited to make up a rubber, but he could not bring himself to care for cards at the present moment. So he sat apart and listened to the music. If all things went right with him to-morrow that music,--or the musician who made it,--would be his own for the rest of his life. Was he justified in expecting that she would give him so much? Of her great regard for him as a friend he had no doubt. She had shown it in various ways, and after a fashion that had made it known to all the world. But so had Lady Laura regarded him when he first told her of his love at Loughlinter. She had been his dearest friend, but she had declined to become his wife; and it had been partly so with Violet Effingham, whose friendship to him had been so sweet as to make him for a while almost think that there was more than friendship. Marie Goesler had certainly once loved him;--but so had he once loved Laura Standish. He had been wretched for a while because Lady Laura had refused him. His feelings now were altogether changed, and why should not the feelings of Madame Goesler have undergone a similar change? There was no doubt of her friendship; but then neither was there any doubt of his for Lady Laura. And in spite of her friendship, would not revenge be dear to her,--revenge of that nature which a slighted woman must always desire? He had rejected her, and would it not be fair also that he should be rejected? "I suppose you'll be in your own room before lunch to-morrow," he said to her as they separated for the night. It had come to pass from the constancy of her visits to Matching in the old Duke's time, that a certain small morning-room had been devoted to her, and this was still supposed to be her property,--so that she was not driven to herd with the public or to remain in her bedroom during all the hours of the morning. "Yes," she said; "I shall go out immediately after breakfast, but I shall soon be driven in by the heat, and then I shall be there till lunch. The Duchess always comes about half-past twelve, to complain generally of the guests." She answered him quite at her ease, making arrangement for privacy if he should desire it, but doing so as though she thought that he wanted to talk to her about his trial, or about politics, or the place he had just refused. Surely she would hardly have answered him after such a fashion had she suspected that he intended to ask her to be his wife. At a little before noon the next morning he knocked at her door, and was told to enter. "I didn't go out after all," she said. "I hadn't courage to face the sun." "I saw that you were not in the garden." "If I could have found you I would have told you that I should be here all the morning. I might have sent you a message, only--only I didn't." "I have come--" "I know why you have come." "I doubt that. I have come to tell you that I love you." "Oh Phineas;--at last, at last!" And in a moment she was in his arms. It seemed to him that from that moment all the explanations, and all the statements, and most of the assurances were made by her and not by him. After this first embrace he found himself seated beside her, holding her hand. "I do not know that I am right," said he. "Why not right?" "Because you are rich and I have nothing." "If you ever remind me of that again I will strike you," she said, raising up her little fist and bringing it down with gentle pressure on his shoulder. "Between you and me there must be nothing more about that. It must be an even partnership. There must be ever so much about money, and you'll have to go into dreadful details, and make journeys to Vienna to see that the houses don't tumble down;--but there must be no question between you and me of whence it came." "You will not think that I have to come to you for that?" "Have you ever known me to have a low opinion of myself? Is it probable that I shall account myself to be personally so mean and of so little value as to imagine that you cannot love me? I know you love me. But Phineas, I have not been sure till very lately that you would ever tell me so. As for me--! Oh, heavens! when I think of it." "Tell me that you love me now." "I think I have said so plainly enough. I have never ceased to love you since I first knew you well enough for love. And I'll tell you more,--though perhaps I shall say what you will think condemns me;--you are the only man I ever loved. My husband was very good to me,--and I was, I think, good to him. But he was many years my senior, and I cannot say I loved him,--as I do you." Then she turned to him, and put her head on his shoulder. "And I loved the old Duke, too, after a fashion. But it was a different thing from this. I will tell you something about him some day that I have never yet told to a human being." "Tell me now." "No; not till I am your wife. You must trust me. But I will tell you," she said, "lest you should be miserable. He asked me to be his wife." "The old Duke?" "Yes, indeed, and I refused to be a--duchess. Lady Glencora knew it all, and, just at the time I was breaking my heart,--like a fool, for you! Yes, for you! But I got over it, and am not broken-hearted a bit. Oh, Phineas, I am so happy now." Exactly at the time she had mentioned on the previous evening, at half-past twelve, the door was opened, and the Duchess entered the room. "Oh dear," she exclaimed, "perhaps I am in the way; perhaps I am interrupting secrets." "No, Duchess." "Shall I retire? I will at once if there be anything confidential going on." "It has gone on already, and been completed," said Madame Goesler rising from her seat. "It is only a trifle. Mr. Finn has asked me to be his wife." "Well?" "I couldn't refuse Mr. Finn a little thing like that." "I should think not, after going all the way to Prague to find a latch-key! I congratulate you, Mr. Finn, with all my heart." "Thanks, Duchess." "And when is it to be?" "We have not thought about that yet, Mr. Finn,--have we?" said Madame Goesler. "Adelaide Palliser is going to be married from here some time in the autumn," said the Duchess, "and you two had better take advantage of the occasion." This plan, however, was considered as being too rapid and rash. Marriage is a very serious affair, and many things would require arrangement. A lady with the wealth which belonged to Madame Goesler cannot bestow herself off-hand as may a curate's daughter, let her be ever so willing to give her money as well as herself. It was impossible that a day should be fixed quite at once; but the Duchess was allowed to understand that the affair might be mentioned. Before dinner on that day every one of the guests at Matching Priory knew that the man who had refused to be made Under-Secretary of State had been accepted by that possessor of fabulous wealth who was well known to the world as Madame Goesler of Park Lane. "I am very glad that you did not take office under Mr. Gresham," she said to him when they first met each other again in London. "Of course when I was advising you I could not be sure that this would happen. Now you can bide your time, and if the opportunity offers you can go to work under better auspices." CHAPTER LXXX. CONCLUSION. There remains to us the very easy task of collecting together the ends of the thread of our narrative, and tying them into a simple knot, so that there may be no unravelling. Of Mr. Emilius it has been already said that his good fortune clung to him so far that it was found impossible to connect him with the tragedy of Bolton Row. But he was made to vanish for a certain number of years from the world, and dear little Lizzie Eustace was left a free woman. When last we heard of her she was at Naples, and there was then a rumour that she was about to join her fate to that of Lord George de Bruce Carruthers, with whom pecuniary matters had lately not been going comfortably. Let us hope that the match, should it be a match, may lead to the happiness and respectability of both of them. As all the world knows, Lord and Lady Chiltern still live at Harrington Hall, and he has been considered to do very well with the Brake country. He still grumbles about Trumpeton Wood, and says that it will take a lifetime to repair the injuries done by Mr. Fothergill;--but then who ever knew a Master of Hounds who wasn't ill-treated by the owners of coverts? Of Mr. Tom Spooner it can only be said that he is still a bachelor, living with his cousin Ned, and that none of the neighbours expect to see a lady at Spoon Hall. In one winter, after the period of his misfortune, he became slack about his hunting, and there were rumours that he was carrying out that terrible threat of his as to the crusade which he would go to find a cure for his love. But his cousin took him in hand somewhat sharply, made him travel abroad during the summer, and brought him out the next season, "as fresh as paint," as the members of the Brake Hunt declared. It was known to every sportsman in the country that poor Mr. Spooner had been in love; but the affair was allowed to be a mystery, and no one ever spoke to Spooner himself upon the subject. It is probable that he now reaps no slight amount of gratification from his memory of the romance. The marriage between Gerard Maule and Adelaide Palliser was celebrated with great glory at Matching, and was mentioned in all the leading papers as an alliance in high life. When it became known to Mr. Maule, Senior, that this would be so, and that the lady would have a very considerable fortune from the old Duke, he reconciled himself to the marriage altogether, and at once gave way in that matter of Maule Abbey. Nothing he thought would be more suitable than that the young people should live at the old family place. So Maule Abbey was fitted up, and Mr. and Mrs. Maule have taken up their residence there. Under the influence of his wife he has promised to attend to his farming, and proposes to do no more than go out and see the hounds when they come into his neighbourhood. Let us hope that he may prosper. Should the farming come to a good end more will probably have been due to his wife's enterprise than to his own. The energetic father is, as all the world knows, now in pursuit of a widow with three thousand a year who has lately come out in Cavendish Square. Of poor Lord Fawn no good account can be given. To his thinking, official life had none of those drawbacks with which the fantastic feelings of Phineas Finn had invested it. He could have been happy for ever at the India Board or at the Colonial Office;--but his life was made a burden to him by the affair of the Bonteen murder. He was charged with having nearly led | comer | How many times the word 'comer' appears in the text? | 1 |
won't drink any wine we might as well go into the other room." Nothing had as yet been said on either of the subjects which had brought him to Saulsby, but there had been words which made the introduction of them peculiarly unpleasant. His tidings, however, must be told. "I shall not see Lord Brentford to-night?" he asked, when they were together in the drawing-room. "If you wish it you can go up to him. He will not come down." "Oh, no. It is only because I must return to-morrow." "To-morrow, Phineas!" "I must do so. I have pledged myself to see Mr. Monk,--and others also." "It is a short visit to make to us on my first return home! I hardly expected you at Loughlinter, but I thought that you might have remained a few nights under my father's roof." He could only reassert his assurance that he was bound to be back in London, and explain as best he might that he had come to Saulsby for a single night, only because he would not refuse her request to him. "I will not trouble you, Phineas, by complaints," she said. "I would give you no cause for complaint if I could avoid it." "And now tell me what has passed between you and Mr. Gresham," she said as soon as the servant had given them coffee. They were sitting by a window which opened down to the ground, and led on to the terrace and to the lawns below. The night was soft, and the air was heavy with the scent of many flowers. It was now past nine, and the sun had set; but there was a bright harvest moon, and the light, though pale, was clear as that of day. "Will you come and take a turn round the garden? We shall be better there than sitting here. I will get my hat; can I find yours for you?" So they both strolled out, down the terrace steps, and went forth, beyond the gardens, into the park, as though they had both intended from the first that it should be so. "I know you have not accepted Mr. Gresham's offer, or you would have told me so." "I have not accepted." "Nor have you refused?" "No; it is still open. I must send my answer by telegram to-morrow--Yes or No,--Mr. Gresham's time is too precious to admit of more." "Phineas, for Heaven's sake do not allow little feelings to injure you at such a time as this. It is of your own career, not of Mr. Gresham's manners, that you should think." "I have nothing to object to in Mr. Gresham. Yes or No will be quite sufficient." "It must be Yes." "It cannot be Yes, Lady Laura. That which I desired so ardently six months ago has now become so distasteful to me that I cannot accept it. There is an amount of hustling on the Treasury Bench which makes a seat there almost ignominious." "Do they hustle more than they did three years ago?" "I think they do, or if not it is more conspicuous to my eyes. I do not say that it need be ignominious. To such a one as was Mr. Palliser it certainly is not so. But it becomes so when a man goes there to get his bread, and has to fight his way as though for bare life. When office first comes, unasked for, almost unexpected, full of the charms which distance lends, it is pleasant enough. The new-comer begins to feel that he too is entitled to rub his shoulders among those who rule the world of Great Britain. But when it has been expected, longed for as I longed for it, asked for by my friends and refused, when all the world comes to know that you are a suitor for that which should come without any suit,--then the pleasantness vanishes." "I thought it was to be your career." "And I hoped so." "What will you do, Phineas? You cannot live without an income." "I must try," he said, laughing. "You will not share with your friend, as a friend should?" "No, Lady Laura. That cannot be done." "I do not see why it cannot. Then you might be independent." "Then I should indeed be dependent." "You are too proud to owe me anything." He wanted to tell her that he was too proud to owe such obligation as she had suggested to any man or any woman; but he hardly knew how to do so, intending as he did to inform her before they returned to the house of his intention to ask Madame Goesler to be his wife. He could discern the difference between enjoying his wife's fortune and taking gifts of money from one who was bound to him by no tie;--but to her in her present mood he could explain no such distinction. On a sudden he rushed at the matter in his mind. It had to be done, and must be done before he brought her back to the house. He was conscious that he had in no degree ill-used her. He had in nothing deceived her. He had kept back from her nothing which the truest friendship had called upon him to reveal to her. And yet he knew that her indignation would rise hot within her at his first word. "Laura," he said, forgetting in his confusion to remember her rank, "I had better tell you at once that I have determined to ask Madame Goesler to be my wife." "Oh, then;--of course your income is certain." "If you choose to regard my conduct in that light I cannot help it. I do not think that I deserve such reproach." "Why not tell it all? You are engaged to her?" "Not so. I have not asked her yet." "And why do you come to me with the story of your intentions,--to me of all persons in the world? I sometimes think that of all the hearts that ever dwelt within a man's bosom yours is the hardest." "For God's sake do not say that of me." "Do you remember when you came to me about Violet,--to me,--to me? I could bear it then because she was good and earnest, and a woman that I could love even though she robbed me. And I strove for you even against my own heart,--against my own brother. I did; I did. But how am I to bear it now? What shall I do now? She is a woman I loathe." "Because you do not know her." "Not know her! And are your eyes so clear at seeing that you must know her better than others? She was the Duke's mistress." "That is untrue, Lady Laura." "But what difference does it make to me? I shall be sure that you will have bread to eat, and horses to ride, and a seat in Parliament without being forced to earn it by your labour. We shall meet no more, of course." "I do not think that you can mean that." "I will never receive that woman, nor will I cross the sill of her door. Why should I?" "Should she become my wife,--that I would have thought might have been the reason why." "Surely, Phineas, no man ever understood a woman so ill as you do." "Because I would fain hope that I need not quarrel with my oldest friend?" "Yes, sir; because you think you can do this without quarrelling. How should I speak to her of you; how listen to what she would tell me? Phineas, you have killed me at last." Why could he not tell her that it was she who had done the wrong when she gave her hand to Robert Kennedy? But he could not tell her, and he was dumb. "And so it's settled!" "No; not settled." "Psha! I hate your mock modesty! It is settled. You have become far too cautious to risk fortune in such an adventure. Practice has taught you to be perfect. It was to tell me this that you came down here." "Partly so." "It would have been more generous of you, sir, to have remained away." "I did not mean to be ungenerous." Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck, and burying her face upon his bosom. They were at the moment in the centre of the park, on the grass beneath the trees, and the moon was bright over their heads. He held her to his breast while she sobbed, and then relaxed his hold as she raised herself to look into his face. After a moment she took his hat from his head with one hand, and with the other swept the hair back from his brow. "Oh, Phineas," she said, "Oh, my darling! My idol that I have worshipped when I should have worshipped my God!" [Illustration: Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck.] After that they roamed for nearly an hour backwards and forwards beneath the trees, till at last she became calm and almost reasonable. She acknowledged that she had long expected such a marriage, looking forward to it as a great sorrow. She repeated over and over again her assertion that she could not "know" Madame Goesler as the wife of Phineas, but abstained from further evil words respecting the lady. "It is better that we should be apart," she said at last. "I feel that it is better. When we are both old, if I should live, we may meet again. I knew that it was coming, and we had better part." And yet they remained out there, wandering about the park for a long portion of the summer night. She did not reproach him again, nor did she speak much of the future; but she alluded to all the incidents of their past life, showing him that nothing which he had done, no words which he had spoken, had been forgotten by her. "Of course it has been my fault," she said, as at last she parted with him in the drawing-room. "When I was younger I did not understand how strong the heart can be. I should have known it, and I pay for my ignorance with the penalty of my whole life." Then he left her, kissing her on both cheeks and on her brow, and went to his bedroom with the understanding that he would start for London on the following morning before she was up. CHAPTER LXXIX. AT LAST--AT LAST. As he took his ticket Phineas sent his message to the Prime Minister, taking that personage literally at his word. The message was, No. When writing it in the office it seemed to him to be uncourteous, but he found it difficult to add any other words that should make it less so. He supplemented it with a letter on his arrival in London, in which he expressed his regret that certain circumstances of his life which had occurred during the last month or two made him unfit to undertake the duties of the very pleasant office to which Mr. Gresham had kindly offered to appoint him. That done, he remained in town but one night, and then set his face again towards Matching. When he reached that place it was already known that he had refused to accept Mr. Gresham's offer, and he was met at once with regrets and condolements. "I am sorry that it must be so," said the Duke,--who was sorry, for he liked the man, but who said not a word more upon the subject. "You are still young, and will have further opportunities," said Lord Cantrip, "but I wish that you could have consented to come back to your old chair." "I hope that at any rate we shall not have you against us," said Sir Harry Coldfoot. Among themselves they declared one to another that he had been so completely upset by his imprisonment and subsequent trial as to be unable to undertake the work proposed to him. "It is not a very nice thing, you know, to be accused of murder," said Sir Gregory, "and to pass a month or two under the full conviction that you are going to be hung. He'll come right again some day. I only hope it may not be too late." "So you have decided for freedom?" said Madame Goesler to him that evening,--the evening of the day on which he had returned. "Yes, indeed." "I have nothing to say against your decision now. No doubt your feelings have prompted you right." "Now that it is done, of course I am full of regrets," said Phineas. "That is simple human nature, I suppose." "Simple enough; and the worst of it is that I cannot quite explain even to myself why I have done it. Every friend I had in the world told me that I was wrong, and yet I could not help myself. The thing was offered to me, not because I was thought to be fit for it, but because I had become wonderful by being brought near to a violent death! I remember once, when I was a child, having a rocking-horse given to me because I had fallen from the top of the house to the bottom without breaking my neck. The rocking-horse was very well then, but I don't care now to have one bestowed upon me for any such reason." "Still, if the rocking-horse is in itself a good rocking-horse--" "But it isn't." "I don't mean to say a word against your decision." "It isn't good. It is one of those toys which look to be so very desirable in the shop-windows, but which give no satisfaction when they are brought home. I'll tell you what occurred the other day. The circumstances happen to be known to me, though I cannot tell you my authority. My dear old friend Laurence Fitzgibbon, in the performance of his official duties, had to give an opinion on a matter affecting an expenditure of some thirty or forty thousand pounds of public money. I don't think that Laurence has generally a very strong bias this way or that on such questions, but in the case in question he took upon himself to be very decided. He wrote, or got some one to write, a report proving that the service of the country imperatively demanded that the money should be spent, and in doing so was strictly within his duty." "I am glad to hear that he can be so energetic." "The Chancellor of the Exchequer got hold of the matter, and told Fitzgibbon that the thing couldn't be done." "That was all right and constitutional, I suppose." "Quite right and constitutional. But something had to be said about it in the House, and Laurence, with all his usual fluency and beautiful Irish brogue, got up and explained that the money would be absolutely thrown away if expended on a purpose so futile as that proposed. I am assured that the great capacity which he has thus shown for official work and official life will cover a multitude of sins." "You would hardly have taken Mr. Fitzgibbon as your model statesman." "Certainly not;--and if the story affected him only it would hardly be worth telling. But the point of it lies in this;--that he disgusted no one by what he did. The Chancellor of the Exchequer thinks him a very convenient man to have about him, and Mr. Gresham feels the comfort of possessing tools so pliable." "Do you think that public life then is altogether a mistake, Mr. Finn?" "For a poor man I think that it is, in this country. A man of fortune may be independent; and because he has the power of independence those who are higher than he will not expect him to be subservient. A man who takes to parliamentary office for a living may live by it, but he will have but a dog's life of it." "If I were you, Mr. Finn, I certainly would not choose a dog's life." He said not a word to her on that occasion about herself, having made up his mind that a certain period of the following day should be chosen for the purpose, and he had hardly yet arranged in his mind what words he would use on that occasion. It seemed to him that there would be so much to be said that he must settle beforehand some order of saying it. It was not as though he had merely to tell her of his love. There had been talk of love between them before, on which occasion he had been compelled to tell her that he could not accept that which she offered to him. It would be impossible, he knew, not to refer to that former conversation. And then he had to tell her that he, now coming to her as a suitor and knowing her to be a very rich woman, was himself all but penniless. He was sure, or almost sure, that she was as well aware of this fact as he was himself; but, nevertheless, it was necessary that he should tell her of it,--and if possible so tell her as to force her to believe him when he assured her that he asked her to be his wife, not because she was rich, but because he loved her. It was impossible that all this should be said as they sat side by side in the drawing-room with a crowd of people almost within hearing, and Madame Goesler had just been called upon to play, which she always did directly she was asked. He was invited to make up a rubber, but he could not bring himself to care for cards at the present moment. So he sat apart and listened to the music. If all things went right with him to-morrow that music,--or the musician who made it,--would be his own for the rest of his life. Was he justified in expecting that she would give him so much? Of her great regard for him as a friend he had no doubt. She had shown it in various ways, and after a fashion that had made it known to all the world. But so had Lady Laura regarded him when he first told her of his love at Loughlinter. She had been his dearest friend, but she had declined to become his wife; and it had been partly so with Violet Effingham, whose friendship to him had been so sweet as to make him for a while almost think that there was more than friendship. Marie Goesler had certainly once loved him;--but so had he once loved Laura Standish. He had been wretched for a while because Lady Laura had refused him. His feelings now were altogether changed, and why should not the feelings of Madame Goesler have undergone a similar change? There was no doubt of her friendship; but then neither was there any doubt of his for Lady Laura. And in spite of her friendship, would not revenge be dear to her,--revenge of that nature which a slighted woman must always desire? He had rejected her, and would it not be fair also that he should be rejected? "I suppose you'll be in your own room before lunch to-morrow," he said to her as they separated for the night. It had come to pass from the constancy of her visits to Matching in the old Duke's time, that a certain small morning-room had been devoted to her, and this was still supposed to be her property,--so that she was not driven to herd with the public or to remain in her bedroom during all the hours of the morning. "Yes," she said; "I shall go out immediately after breakfast, but I shall soon be driven in by the heat, and then I shall be there till lunch. The Duchess always comes about half-past twelve, to complain generally of the guests." She answered him quite at her ease, making arrangement for privacy if he should desire it, but doing so as though she thought that he wanted to talk to her about his trial, or about politics, or the place he had just refused. Surely she would hardly have answered him after such a fashion had she suspected that he intended to ask her to be his wife. At a little before noon the next morning he knocked at her door, and was told to enter. "I didn't go out after all," she said. "I hadn't courage to face the sun." "I saw that you were not in the garden." "If I could have found you I would have told you that I should be here all the morning. I might have sent you a message, only--only I didn't." "I have come--" "I know why you have come." "I doubt that. I have come to tell you that I love you." "Oh Phineas;--at last, at last!" And in a moment she was in his arms. It seemed to him that from that moment all the explanations, and all the statements, and most of the assurances were made by her and not by him. After this first embrace he found himself seated beside her, holding her hand. "I do not know that I am right," said he. "Why not right?" "Because you are rich and I have nothing." "If you ever remind me of that again I will strike you," she said, raising up her little fist and bringing it down with gentle pressure on his shoulder. "Between you and me there must be nothing more about that. It must be an even partnership. There must be ever so much about money, and you'll have to go into dreadful details, and make journeys to Vienna to see that the houses don't tumble down;--but there must be no question between you and me of whence it came." "You will not think that I have to come to you for that?" "Have you ever known me to have a low opinion of myself? Is it probable that I shall account myself to be personally so mean and of so little value as to imagine that you cannot love me? I know you love me. But Phineas, I have not been sure till very lately that you would ever tell me so. As for me--! Oh, heavens! when I think of it." "Tell me that you love me now." "I think I have said so plainly enough. I have never ceased to love you since I first knew you well enough for love. And I'll tell you more,--though perhaps I shall say what you will think condemns me;--you are the only man I ever loved. My husband was very good to me,--and I was, I think, good to him. But he was many years my senior, and I cannot say I loved him,--as I do you." Then she turned to him, and put her head on his shoulder. "And I loved the old Duke, too, after a fashion. But it was a different thing from this. I will tell you something about him some day that I have never yet told to a human being." "Tell me now." "No; not till I am your wife. You must trust me. But I will tell you," she said, "lest you should be miserable. He asked me to be his wife." "The old Duke?" "Yes, indeed, and I refused to be a--duchess. Lady Glencora knew it all, and, just at the time I was breaking my heart,--like a fool, for you! Yes, for you! But I got over it, and am not broken-hearted a bit. Oh, Phineas, I am so happy now." Exactly at the time she had mentioned on the previous evening, at half-past twelve, the door was opened, and the Duchess entered the room. "Oh dear," she exclaimed, "perhaps I am in the way; perhaps I am interrupting secrets." "No, Duchess." "Shall I retire? I will at once if there be anything confidential going on." "It has gone on already, and been completed," said Madame Goesler rising from her seat. "It is only a trifle. Mr. Finn has asked me to be his wife." "Well?" "I couldn't refuse Mr. Finn a little thing like that." "I should think not, after going all the way to Prague to find a latch-key! I congratulate you, Mr. Finn, with all my heart." "Thanks, Duchess." "And when is it to be?" "We have not thought about that yet, Mr. Finn,--have we?" said Madame Goesler. "Adelaide Palliser is going to be married from here some time in the autumn," said the Duchess, "and you two had better take advantage of the occasion." This plan, however, was considered as being too rapid and rash. Marriage is a very serious affair, and many things would require arrangement. A lady with the wealth which belonged to Madame Goesler cannot bestow herself off-hand as may a curate's daughter, let her be ever so willing to give her money as well as herself. It was impossible that a day should be fixed quite at once; but the Duchess was allowed to understand that the affair might be mentioned. Before dinner on that day every one of the guests at Matching Priory knew that the man who had refused to be made Under-Secretary of State had been accepted by that possessor of fabulous wealth who was well known to the world as Madame Goesler of Park Lane. "I am very glad that you did not take office under Mr. Gresham," she said to him when they first met each other again in London. "Of course when I was advising you I could not be sure that this would happen. Now you can bide your time, and if the opportunity offers you can go to work under better auspices." CHAPTER LXXX. CONCLUSION. There remains to us the very easy task of collecting together the ends of the thread of our narrative, and tying them into a simple knot, so that there may be no unravelling. Of Mr. Emilius it has been already said that his good fortune clung to him so far that it was found impossible to connect him with the tragedy of Bolton Row. But he was made to vanish for a certain number of years from the world, and dear little Lizzie Eustace was left a free woman. When last we heard of her she was at Naples, and there was then a rumour that she was about to join her fate to that of Lord George de Bruce Carruthers, with whom pecuniary matters had lately not been going comfortably. Let us hope that the match, should it be a match, may lead to the happiness and respectability of both of them. As all the world knows, Lord and Lady Chiltern still live at Harrington Hall, and he has been considered to do very well with the Brake country. He still grumbles about Trumpeton Wood, and says that it will take a lifetime to repair the injuries done by Mr. Fothergill;--but then who ever knew a Master of Hounds who wasn't ill-treated by the owners of coverts? Of Mr. Tom Spooner it can only be said that he is still a bachelor, living with his cousin Ned, and that none of the neighbours expect to see a lady at Spoon Hall. In one winter, after the period of his misfortune, he became slack about his hunting, and there were rumours that he was carrying out that terrible threat of his as to the crusade which he would go to find a cure for his love. But his cousin took him in hand somewhat sharply, made him travel abroad during the summer, and brought him out the next season, "as fresh as paint," as the members of the Brake Hunt declared. It was known to every sportsman in the country that poor Mr. Spooner had been in love; but the affair was allowed to be a mystery, and no one ever spoke to Spooner himself upon the subject. It is probable that he now reaps no slight amount of gratification from his memory of the romance. The marriage between Gerard Maule and Adelaide Palliser was celebrated with great glory at Matching, and was mentioned in all the leading papers as an alliance in high life. When it became known to Mr. Maule, Senior, that this would be so, and that the lady would have a very considerable fortune from the old Duke, he reconciled himself to the marriage altogether, and at once gave way in that matter of Maule Abbey. Nothing he thought would be more suitable than that the young people should live at the old family place. So Maule Abbey was fitted up, and Mr. and Mrs. Maule have taken up their residence there. Under the influence of his wife he has promised to attend to his farming, and proposes to do no more than go out and see the hounds when they come into his neighbourhood. Let us hope that he may prosper. Should the farming come to a good end more will probably have been due to his wife's enterprise than to his own. The energetic father is, as all the world knows, now in pursuit of a widow with three thousand a year who has lately come out in Cavendish Square. Of poor Lord Fawn no good account can be given. To his thinking, official life had none of those drawbacks with which the fantastic feelings of Phineas Finn had invested it. He could have been happy for ever at the India Board or at the Colonial Office;--but his life was made a burden to him by the affair of the Bonteen murder. He was charged with having nearly led | occurred | How many times the word 'occurred' appears in the text? | 2 |
won't drink any wine we might as well go into the other room." Nothing had as yet been said on either of the subjects which had brought him to Saulsby, but there had been words which made the introduction of them peculiarly unpleasant. His tidings, however, must be told. "I shall not see Lord Brentford to-night?" he asked, when they were together in the drawing-room. "If you wish it you can go up to him. He will not come down." "Oh, no. It is only because I must return to-morrow." "To-morrow, Phineas!" "I must do so. I have pledged myself to see Mr. Monk,--and others also." "It is a short visit to make to us on my first return home! I hardly expected you at Loughlinter, but I thought that you might have remained a few nights under my father's roof." He could only reassert his assurance that he was bound to be back in London, and explain as best he might that he had come to Saulsby for a single night, only because he would not refuse her request to him. "I will not trouble you, Phineas, by complaints," she said. "I would give you no cause for complaint if I could avoid it." "And now tell me what has passed between you and Mr. Gresham," she said as soon as the servant had given them coffee. They were sitting by a window which opened down to the ground, and led on to the terrace and to the lawns below. The night was soft, and the air was heavy with the scent of many flowers. It was now past nine, and the sun had set; but there was a bright harvest moon, and the light, though pale, was clear as that of day. "Will you come and take a turn round the garden? We shall be better there than sitting here. I will get my hat; can I find yours for you?" So they both strolled out, down the terrace steps, and went forth, beyond the gardens, into the park, as though they had both intended from the first that it should be so. "I know you have not accepted Mr. Gresham's offer, or you would have told me so." "I have not accepted." "Nor have you refused?" "No; it is still open. I must send my answer by telegram to-morrow--Yes or No,--Mr. Gresham's time is too precious to admit of more." "Phineas, for Heaven's sake do not allow little feelings to injure you at such a time as this. It is of your own career, not of Mr. Gresham's manners, that you should think." "I have nothing to object to in Mr. Gresham. Yes or No will be quite sufficient." "It must be Yes." "It cannot be Yes, Lady Laura. That which I desired so ardently six months ago has now become so distasteful to me that I cannot accept it. There is an amount of hustling on the Treasury Bench which makes a seat there almost ignominious." "Do they hustle more than they did three years ago?" "I think they do, or if not it is more conspicuous to my eyes. I do not say that it need be ignominious. To such a one as was Mr. Palliser it certainly is not so. But it becomes so when a man goes there to get his bread, and has to fight his way as though for bare life. When office first comes, unasked for, almost unexpected, full of the charms which distance lends, it is pleasant enough. The new-comer begins to feel that he too is entitled to rub his shoulders among those who rule the world of Great Britain. But when it has been expected, longed for as I longed for it, asked for by my friends and refused, when all the world comes to know that you are a suitor for that which should come without any suit,--then the pleasantness vanishes." "I thought it was to be your career." "And I hoped so." "What will you do, Phineas? You cannot live without an income." "I must try," he said, laughing. "You will not share with your friend, as a friend should?" "No, Lady Laura. That cannot be done." "I do not see why it cannot. Then you might be independent." "Then I should indeed be dependent." "You are too proud to owe me anything." He wanted to tell her that he was too proud to owe such obligation as she had suggested to any man or any woman; but he hardly knew how to do so, intending as he did to inform her before they returned to the house of his intention to ask Madame Goesler to be his wife. He could discern the difference between enjoying his wife's fortune and taking gifts of money from one who was bound to him by no tie;--but to her in her present mood he could explain no such distinction. On a sudden he rushed at the matter in his mind. It had to be done, and must be done before he brought her back to the house. He was conscious that he had in no degree ill-used her. He had in nothing deceived her. He had kept back from her nothing which the truest friendship had called upon him to reveal to her. And yet he knew that her indignation would rise hot within her at his first word. "Laura," he said, forgetting in his confusion to remember her rank, "I had better tell you at once that I have determined to ask Madame Goesler to be my wife." "Oh, then;--of course your income is certain." "If you choose to regard my conduct in that light I cannot help it. I do not think that I deserve such reproach." "Why not tell it all? You are engaged to her?" "Not so. I have not asked her yet." "And why do you come to me with the story of your intentions,--to me of all persons in the world? I sometimes think that of all the hearts that ever dwelt within a man's bosom yours is the hardest." "For God's sake do not say that of me." "Do you remember when you came to me about Violet,--to me,--to me? I could bear it then because she was good and earnest, and a woman that I could love even though she robbed me. And I strove for you even against my own heart,--against my own brother. I did; I did. But how am I to bear it now? What shall I do now? She is a woman I loathe." "Because you do not know her." "Not know her! And are your eyes so clear at seeing that you must know her better than others? She was the Duke's mistress." "That is untrue, Lady Laura." "But what difference does it make to me? I shall be sure that you will have bread to eat, and horses to ride, and a seat in Parliament without being forced to earn it by your labour. We shall meet no more, of course." "I do not think that you can mean that." "I will never receive that woman, nor will I cross the sill of her door. Why should I?" "Should she become my wife,--that I would have thought might have been the reason why." "Surely, Phineas, no man ever understood a woman so ill as you do." "Because I would fain hope that I need not quarrel with my oldest friend?" "Yes, sir; because you think you can do this without quarrelling. How should I speak to her of you; how listen to what she would tell me? Phineas, you have killed me at last." Why could he not tell her that it was she who had done the wrong when she gave her hand to Robert Kennedy? But he could not tell her, and he was dumb. "And so it's settled!" "No; not settled." "Psha! I hate your mock modesty! It is settled. You have become far too cautious to risk fortune in such an adventure. Practice has taught you to be perfect. It was to tell me this that you came down here." "Partly so." "It would have been more generous of you, sir, to have remained away." "I did not mean to be ungenerous." Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck, and burying her face upon his bosom. They were at the moment in the centre of the park, on the grass beneath the trees, and the moon was bright over their heads. He held her to his breast while she sobbed, and then relaxed his hold as she raised herself to look into his face. After a moment she took his hat from his head with one hand, and with the other swept the hair back from his brow. "Oh, Phineas," she said, "Oh, my darling! My idol that I have worshipped when I should have worshipped my God!" [Illustration: Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck.] After that they roamed for nearly an hour backwards and forwards beneath the trees, till at last she became calm and almost reasonable. She acknowledged that she had long expected such a marriage, looking forward to it as a great sorrow. She repeated over and over again her assertion that she could not "know" Madame Goesler as the wife of Phineas, but abstained from further evil words respecting the lady. "It is better that we should be apart," she said at last. "I feel that it is better. When we are both old, if I should live, we may meet again. I knew that it was coming, and we had better part." And yet they remained out there, wandering about the park for a long portion of the summer night. She did not reproach him again, nor did she speak much of the future; but she alluded to all the incidents of their past life, showing him that nothing which he had done, no words which he had spoken, had been forgotten by her. "Of course it has been my fault," she said, as at last she parted with him in the drawing-room. "When I was younger I did not understand how strong the heart can be. I should have known it, and I pay for my ignorance with the penalty of my whole life." Then he left her, kissing her on both cheeks and on her brow, and went to his bedroom with the understanding that he would start for London on the following morning before she was up. CHAPTER LXXIX. AT LAST--AT LAST. As he took his ticket Phineas sent his message to the Prime Minister, taking that personage literally at his word. The message was, No. When writing it in the office it seemed to him to be uncourteous, but he found it difficult to add any other words that should make it less so. He supplemented it with a letter on his arrival in London, in which he expressed his regret that certain circumstances of his life which had occurred during the last month or two made him unfit to undertake the duties of the very pleasant office to which Mr. Gresham had kindly offered to appoint him. That done, he remained in town but one night, and then set his face again towards Matching. When he reached that place it was already known that he had refused to accept Mr. Gresham's offer, and he was met at once with regrets and condolements. "I am sorry that it must be so," said the Duke,--who was sorry, for he liked the man, but who said not a word more upon the subject. "You are still young, and will have further opportunities," said Lord Cantrip, "but I wish that you could have consented to come back to your old chair." "I hope that at any rate we shall not have you against us," said Sir Harry Coldfoot. Among themselves they declared one to another that he had been so completely upset by his imprisonment and subsequent trial as to be unable to undertake the work proposed to him. "It is not a very nice thing, you know, to be accused of murder," said Sir Gregory, "and to pass a month or two under the full conviction that you are going to be hung. He'll come right again some day. I only hope it may not be too late." "So you have decided for freedom?" said Madame Goesler to him that evening,--the evening of the day on which he had returned. "Yes, indeed." "I have nothing to say against your decision now. No doubt your feelings have prompted you right." "Now that it is done, of course I am full of regrets," said Phineas. "That is simple human nature, I suppose." "Simple enough; and the worst of it is that I cannot quite explain even to myself why I have done it. Every friend I had in the world told me that I was wrong, and yet I could not help myself. The thing was offered to me, not because I was thought to be fit for it, but because I had become wonderful by being brought near to a violent death! I remember once, when I was a child, having a rocking-horse given to me because I had fallen from the top of the house to the bottom without breaking my neck. The rocking-horse was very well then, but I don't care now to have one bestowed upon me for any such reason." "Still, if the rocking-horse is in itself a good rocking-horse--" "But it isn't." "I don't mean to say a word against your decision." "It isn't good. It is one of those toys which look to be so very desirable in the shop-windows, but which give no satisfaction when they are brought home. I'll tell you what occurred the other day. The circumstances happen to be known to me, though I cannot tell you my authority. My dear old friend Laurence Fitzgibbon, in the performance of his official duties, had to give an opinion on a matter affecting an expenditure of some thirty or forty thousand pounds of public money. I don't think that Laurence has generally a very strong bias this way or that on such questions, but in the case in question he took upon himself to be very decided. He wrote, or got some one to write, a report proving that the service of the country imperatively demanded that the money should be spent, and in doing so was strictly within his duty." "I am glad to hear that he can be so energetic." "The Chancellor of the Exchequer got hold of the matter, and told Fitzgibbon that the thing couldn't be done." "That was all right and constitutional, I suppose." "Quite right and constitutional. But something had to be said about it in the House, and Laurence, with all his usual fluency and beautiful Irish brogue, got up and explained that the money would be absolutely thrown away if expended on a purpose so futile as that proposed. I am assured that the great capacity which he has thus shown for official work and official life will cover a multitude of sins." "You would hardly have taken Mr. Fitzgibbon as your model statesman." "Certainly not;--and if the story affected him only it would hardly be worth telling. But the point of it lies in this;--that he disgusted no one by what he did. The Chancellor of the Exchequer thinks him a very convenient man to have about him, and Mr. Gresham feels the comfort of possessing tools so pliable." "Do you think that public life then is altogether a mistake, Mr. Finn?" "For a poor man I think that it is, in this country. A man of fortune may be independent; and because he has the power of independence those who are higher than he will not expect him to be subservient. A man who takes to parliamentary office for a living may live by it, but he will have but a dog's life of it." "If I were you, Mr. Finn, I certainly would not choose a dog's life." He said not a word to her on that occasion about herself, having made up his mind that a certain period of the following day should be chosen for the purpose, and he had hardly yet arranged in his mind what words he would use on that occasion. It seemed to him that there would be so much to be said that he must settle beforehand some order of saying it. It was not as though he had merely to tell her of his love. There had been talk of love between them before, on which occasion he had been compelled to tell her that he could not accept that which she offered to him. It would be impossible, he knew, not to refer to that former conversation. And then he had to tell her that he, now coming to her as a suitor and knowing her to be a very rich woman, was himself all but penniless. He was sure, or almost sure, that she was as well aware of this fact as he was himself; but, nevertheless, it was necessary that he should tell her of it,--and if possible so tell her as to force her to believe him when he assured her that he asked her to be his wife, not because she was rich, but because he loved her. It was impossible that all this should be said as they sat side by side in the drawing-room with a crowd of people almost within hearing, and Madame Goesler had just been called upon to play, which she always did directly she was asked. He was invited to make up a rubber, but he could not bring himself to care for cards at the present moment. So he sat apart and listened to the music. If all things went right with him to-morrow that music,--or the musician who made it,--would be his own for the rest of his life. Was he justified in expecting that she would give him so much? Of her great regard for him as a friend he had no doubt. She had shown it in various ways, and after a fashion that had made it known to all the world. But so had Lady Laura regarded him when he first told her of his love at Loughlinter. She had been his dearest friend, but she had declined to become his wife; and it had been partly so with Violet Effingham, whose friendship to him had been so sweet as to make him for a while almost think that there was more than friendship. Marie Goesler had certainly once loved him;--but so had he once loved Laura Standish. He had been wretched for a while because Lady Laura had refused him. His feelings now were altogether changed, and why should not the feelings of Madame Goesler have undergone a similar change? There was no doubt of her friendship; but then neither was there any doubt of his for Lady Laura. And in spite of her friendship, would not revenge be dear to her,--revenge of that nature which a slighted woman must always desire? He had rejected her, and would it not be fair also that he should be rejected? "I suppose you'll be in your own room before lunch to-morrow," he said to her as they separated for the night. It had come to pass from the constancy of her visits to Matching in the old Duke's time, that a certain small morning-room had been devoted to her, and this was still supposed to be her property,--so that she was not driven to herd with the public or to remain in her bedroom during all the hours of the morning. "Yes," she said; "I shall go out immediately after breakfast, but I shall soon be driven in by the heat, and then I shall be there till lunch. The Duchess always comes about half-past twelve, to complain generally of the guests." She answered him quite at her ease, making arrangement for privacy if he should desire it, but doing so as though she thought that he wanted to talk to her about his trial, or about politics, or the place he had just refused. Surely she would hardly have answered him after such a fashion had she suspected that he intended to ask her to be his wife. At a little before noon the next morning he knocked at her door, and was told to enter. "I didn't go out after all," she said. "I hadn't courage to face the sun." "I saw that you were not in the garden." "If I could have found you I would have told you that I should be here all the morning. I might have sent you a message, only--only I didn't." "I have come--" "I know why you have come." "I doubt that. I have come to tell you that I love you." "Oh Phineas;--at last, at last!" And in a moment she was in his arms. It seemed to him that from that moment all the explanations, and all the statements, and most of the assurances were made by her and not by him. After this first embrace he found himself seated beside her, holding her hand. "I do not know that I am right," said he. "Why not right?" "Because you are rich and I have nothing." "If you ever remind me of that again I will strike you," she said, raising up her little fist and bringing it down with gentle pressure on his shoulder. "Between you and me there must be nothing more about that. It must be an even partnership. There must be ever so much about money, and you'll have to go into dreadful details, and make journeys to Vienna to see that the houses don't tumble down;--but there must be no question between you and me of whence it came." "You will not think that I have to come to you for that?" "Have you ever known me to have a low opinion of myself? Is it probable that I shall account myself to be personally so mean and of so little value as to imagine that you cannot love me? I know you love me. But Phineas, I have not been sure till very lately that you would ever tell me so. As for me--! Oh, heavens! when I think of it." "Tell me that you love me now." "I think I have said so plainly enough. I have never ceased to love you since I first knew you well enough for love. And I'll tell you more,--though perhaps I shall say what you will think condemns me;--you are the only man I ever loved. My husband was very good to me,--and I was, I think, good to him. But he was many years my senior, and I cannot say I loved him,--as I do you." Then she turned to him, and put her head on his shoulder. "And I loved the old Duke, too, after a fashion. But it was a different thing from this. I will tell you something about him some day that I have never yet told to a human being." "Tell me now." "No; not till I am your wife. You must trust me. But I will tell you," she said, "lest you should be miserable. He asked me to be his wife." "The old Duke?" "Yes, indeed, and I refused to be a--duchess. Lady Glencora knew it all, and, just at the time I was breaking my heart,--like a fool, for you! Yes, for you! But I got over it, and am not broken-hearted a bit. Oh, Phineas, I am so happy now." Exactly at the time she had mentioned on the previous evening, at half-past twelve, the door was opened, and the Duchess entered the room. "Oh dear," she exclaimed, "perhaps I am in the way; perhaps I am interrupting secrets." "No, Duchess." "Shall I retire? I will at once if there be anything confidential going on." "It has gone on already, and been completed," said Madame Goesler rising from her seat. "It is only a trifle. Mr. Finn has asked me to be his wife." "Well?" "I couldn't refuse Mr. Finn a little thing like that." "I should think not, after going all the way to Prague to find a latch-key! I congratulate you, Mr. Finn, with all my heart." "Thanks, Duchess." "And when is it to be?" "We have not thought about that yet, Mr. Finn,--have we?" said Madame Goesler. "Adelaide Palliser is going to be married from here some time in the autumn," said the Duchess, "and you two had better take advantage of the occasion." This plan, however, was considered as being too rapid and rash. Marriage is a very serious affair, and many things would require arrangement. A lady with the wealth which belonged to Madame Goesler cannot bestow herself off-hand as may a curate's daughter, let her be ever so willing to give her money as well as herself. It was impossible that a day should be fixed quite at once; but the Duchess was allowed to understand that the affair might be mentioned. Before dinner on that day every one of the guests at Matching Priory knew that the man who had refused to be made Under-Secretary of State had been accepted by that possessor of fabulous wealth who was well known to the world as Madame Goesler of Park Lane. "I am very glad that you did not take office under Mr. Gresham," she said to him when they first met each other again in London. "Of course when I was advising you I could not be sure that this would happen. Now you can bide your time, and if the opportunity offers you can go to work under better auspices." CHAPTER LXXX. CONCLUSION. There remains to us the very easy task of collecting together the ends of the thread of our narrative, and tying them into a simple knot, so that there may be no unravelling. Of Mr. Emilius it has been already said that his good fortune clung to him so far that it was found impossible to connect him with the tragedy of Bolton Row. But he was made to vanish for a certain number of years from the world, and dear little Lizzie Eustace was left a free woman. When last we heard of her she was at Naples, and there was then a rumour that she was about to join her fate to that of Lord George de Bruce Carruthers, with whom pecuniary matters had lately not been going comfortably. Let us hope that the match, should it be a match, may lead to the happiness and respectability of both of them. As all the world knows, Lord and Lady Chiltern still live at Harrington Hall, and he has been considered to do very well with the Brake country. He still grumbles about Trumpeton Wood, and says that it will take a lifetime to repair the injuries done by Mr. Fothergill;--but then who ever knew a Master of Hounds who wasn't ill-treated by the owners of coverts? Of Mr. Tom Spooner it can only be said that he is still a bachelor, living with his cousin Ned, and that none of the neighbours expect to see a lady at Spoon Hall. In one winter, after the period of his misfortune, he became slack about his hunting, and there were rumours that he was carrying out that terrible threat of his as to the crusade which he would go to find a cure for his love. But his cousin took him in hand somewhat sharply, made him travel abroad during the summer, and brought him out the next season, "as fresh as paint," as the members of the Brake Hunt declared. It was known to every sportsman in the country that poor Mr. Spooner had been in love; but the affair was allowed to be a mystery, and no one ever spoke to Spooner himself upon the subject. It is probable that he now reaps no slight amount of gratification from his memory of the romance. The marriage between Gerard Maule and Adelaide Palliser was celebrated with great glory at Matching, and was mentioned in all the leading papers as an alliance in high life. When it became known to Mr. Maule, Senior, that this would be so, and that the lady would have a very considerable fortune from the old Duke, he reconciled himself to the marriage altogether, and at once gave way in that matter of Maule Abbey. Nothing he thought would be more suitable than that the young people should live at the old family place. So Maule Abbey was fitted up, and Mr. and Mrs. Maule have taken up their residence there. Under the influence of his wife he has promised to attend to his farming, and proposes to do no more than go out and see the hounds when they come into his neighbourhood. Let us hope that he may prosper. Should the farming come to a good end more will probably have been due to his wife's enterprise than to his own. The energetic father is, as all the world knows, now in pursuit of a widow with three thousand a year who has lately come out in Cavendish Square. Of poor Lord Fawn no good account can be given. To his thinking, official life had none of those drawbacks with which the fantastic feelings of Phineas Finn had invested it. He could have been happy for ever at the India Board or at the Colonial Office;--but his life was made a burden to him by the affair of the Bonteen murder. He was charged with having nearly led | further | How many times the word 'further' appears in the text? | 2 |
won't drink any wine we might as well go into the other room." Nothing had as yet been said on either of the subjects which had brought him to Saulsby, but there had been words which made the introduction of them peculiarly unpleasant. His tidings, however, must be told. "I shall not see Lord Brentford to-night?" he asked, when they were together in the drawing-room. "If you wish it you can go up to him. He will not come down." "Oh, no. It is only because I must return to-morrow." "To-morrow, Phineas!" "I must do so. I have pledged myself to see Mr. Monk,--and others also." "It is a short visit to make to us on my first return home! I hardly expected you at Loughlinter, but I thought that you might have remained a few nights under my father's roof." He could only reassert his assurance that he was bound to be back in London, and explain as best he might that he had come to Saulsby for a single night, only because he would not refuse her request to him. "I will not trouble you, Phineas, by complaints," she said. "I would give you no cause for complaint if I could avoid it." "And now tell me what has passed between you and Mr. Gresham," she said as soon as the servant had given them coffee. They were sitting by a window which opened down to the ground, and led on to the terrace and to the lawns below. The night was soft, and the air was heavy with the scent of many flowers. It was now past nine, and the sun had set; but there was a bright harvest moon, and the light, though pale, was clear as that of day. "Will you come and take a turn round the garden? We shall be better there than sitting here. I will get my hat; can I find yours for you?" So they both strolled out, down the terrace steps, and went forth, beyond the gardens, into the park, as though they had both intended from the first that it should be so. "I know you have not accepted Mr. Gresham's offer, or you would have told me so." "I have not accepted." "Nor have you refused?" "No; it is still open. I must send my answer by telegram to-morrow--Yes or No,--Mr. Gresham's time is too precious to admit of more." "Phineas, for Heaven's sake do not allow little feelings to injure you at such a time as this. It is of your own career, not of Mr. Gresham's manners, that you should think." "I have nothing to object to in Mr. Gresham. Yes or No will be quite sufficient." "It must be Yes." "It cannot be Yes, Lady Laura. That which I desired so ardently six months ago has now become so distasteful to me that I cannot accept it. There is an amount of hustling on the Treasury Bench which makes a seat there almost ignominious." "Do they hustle more than they did three years ago?" "I think they do, or if not it is more conspicuous to my eyes. I do not say that it need be ignominious. To such a one as was Mr. Palliser it certainly is not so. But it becomes so when a man goes there to get his bread, and has to fight his way as though for bare life. When office first comes, unasked for, almost unexpected, full of the charms which distance lends, it is pleasant enough. The new-comer begins to feel that he too is entitled to rub his shoulders among those who rule the world of Great Britain. But when it has been expected, longed for as I longed for it, asked for by my friends and refused, when all the world comes to know that you are a suitor for that which should come without any suit,--then the pleasantness vanishes." "I thought it was to be your career." "And I hoped so." "What will you do, Phineas? You cannot live without an income." "I must try," he said, laughing. "You will not share with your friend, as a friend should?" "No, Lady Laura. That cannot be done." "I do not see why it cannot. Then you might be independent." "Then I should indeed be dependent." "You are too proud to owe me anything." He wanted to tell her that he was too proud to owe such obligation as she had suggested to any man or any woman; but he hardly knew how to do so, intending as he did to inform her before they returned to the house of his intention to ask Madame Goesler to be his wife. He could discern the difference between enjoying his wife's fortune and taking gifts of money from one who was bound to him by no tie;--but to her in her present mood he could explain no such distinction. On a sudden he rushed at the matter in his mind. It had to be done, and must be done before he brought her back to the house. He was conscious that he had in no degree ill-used her. He had in nothing deceived her. He had kept back from her nothing which the truest friendship had called upon him to reveal to her. And yet he knew that her indignation would rise hot within her at his first word. "Laura," he said, forgetting in his confusion to remember her rank, "I had better tell you at once that I have determined to ask Madame Goesler to be my wife." "Oh, then;--of course your income is certain." "If you choose to regard my conduct in that light I cannot help it. I do not think that I deserve such reproach." "Why not tell it all? You are engaged to her?" "Not so. I have not asked her yet." "And why do you come to me with the story of your intentions,--to me of all persons in the world? I sometimes think that of all the hearts that ever dwelt within a man's bosom yours is the hardest." "For God's sake do not say that of me." "Do you remember when you came to me about Violet,--to me,--to me? I could bear it then because she was good and earnest, and a woman that I could love even though she robbed me. And I strove for you even against my own heart,--against my own brother. I did; I did. But how am I to bear it now? What shall I do now? She is a woman I loathe." "Because you do not know her." "Not know her! And are your eyes so clear at seeing that you must know her better than others? She was the Duke's mistress." "That is untrue, Lady Laura." "But what difference does it make to me? I shall be sure that you will have bread to eat, and horses to ride, and a seat in Parliament without being forced to earn it by your labour. We shall meet no more, of course." "I do not think that you can mean that." "I will never receive that woman, nor will I cross the sill of her door. Why should I?" "Should she become my wife,--that I would have thought might have been the reason why." "Surely, Phineas, no man ever understood a woman so ill as you do." "Because I would fain hope that I need not quarrel with my oldest friend?" "Yes, sir; because you think you can do this without quarrelling. How should I speak to her of you; how listen to what she would tell me? Phineas, you have killed me at last." Why could he not tell her that it was she who had done the wrong when she gave her hand to Robert Kennedy? But he could not tell her, and he was dumb. "And so it's settled!" "No; not settled." "Psha! I hate your mock modesty! It is settled. You have become far too cautious to risk fortune in such an adventure. Practice has taught you to be perfect. It was to tell me this that you came down here." "Partly so." "It would have been more generous of you, sir, to have remained away." "I did not mean to be ungenerous." Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck, and burying her face upon his bosom. They were at the moment in the centre of the park, on the grass beneath the trees, and the moon was bright over their heads. He held her to his breast while she sobbed, and then relaxed his hold as she raised herself to look into his face. After a moment she took his hat from his head with one hand, and with the other swept the hair back from his brow. "Oh, Phineas," she said, "Oh, my darling! My idol that I have worshipped when I should have worshipped my God!" [Illustration: Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck.] After that they roamed for nearly an hour backwards and forwards beneath the trees, till at last she became calm and almost reasonable. She acknowledged that she had long expected such a marriage, looking forward to it as a great sorrow. She repeated over and over again her assertion that she could not "know" Madame Goesler as the wife of Phineas, but abstained from further evil words respecting the lady. "It is better that we should be apart," she said at last. "I feel that it is better. When we are both old, if I should live, we may meet again. I knew that it was coming, and we had better part." And yet they remained out there, wandering about the park for a long portion of the summer night. She did not reproach him again, nor did she speak much of the future; but she alluded to all the incidents of their past life, showing him that nothing which he had done, no words which he had spoken, had been forgotten by her. "Of course it has been my fault," she said, as at last she parted with him in the drawing-room. "When I was younger I did not understand how strong the heart can be. I should have known it, and I pay for my ignorance with the penalty of my whole life." Then he left her, kissing her on both cheeks and on her brow, and went to his bedroom with the understanding that he would start for London on the following morning before she was up. CHAPTER LXXIX. AT LAST--AT LAST. As he took his ticket Phineas sent his message to the Prime Minister, taking that personage literally at his word. The message was, No. When writing it in the office it seemed to him to be uncourteous, but he found it difficult to add any other words that should make it less so. He supplemented it with a letter on his arrival in London, in which he expressed his regret that certain circumstances of his life which had occurred during the last month or two made him unfit to undertake the duties of the very pleasant office to which Mr. Gresham had kindly offered to appoint him. That done, he remained in town but one night, and then set his face again towards Matching. When he reached that place it was already known that he had refused to accept Mr. Gresham's offer, and he was met at once with regrets and condolements. "I am sorry that it must be so," said the Duke,--who was sorry, for he liked the man, but who said not a word more upon the subject. "You are still young, and will have further opportunities," said Lord Cantrip, "but I wish that you could have consented to come back to your old chair." "I hope that at any rate we shall not have you against us," said Sir Harry Coldfoot. Among themselves they declared one to another that he had been so completely upset by his imprisonment and subsequent trial as to be unable to undertake the work proposed to him. "It is not a very nice thing, you know, to be accused of murder," said Sir Gregory, "and to pass a month or two under the full conviction that you are going to be hung. He'll come right again some day. I only hope it may not be too late." "So you have decided for freedom?" said Madame Goesler to him that evening,--the evening of the day on which he had returned. "Yes, indeed." "I have nothing to say against your decision now. No doubt your feelings have prompted you right." "Now that it is done, of course I am full of regrets," said Phineas. "That is simple human nature, I suppose." "Simple enough; and the worst of it is that I cannot quite explain even to myself why I have done it. Every friend I had in the world told me that I was wrong, and yet I could not help myself. The thing was offered to me, not because I was thought to be fit for it, but because I had become wonderful by being brought near to a violent death! I remember once, when I was a child, having a rocking-horse given to me because I had fallen from the top of the house to the bottom without breaking my neck. The rocking-horse was very well then, but I don't care now to have one bestowed upon me for any such reason." "Still, if the rocking-horse is in itself a good rocking-horse--" "But it isn't." "I don't mean to say a word against your decision." "It isn't good. It is one of those toys which look to be so very desirable in the shop-windows, but which give no satisfaction when they are brought home. I'll tell you what occurred the other day. The circumstances happen to be known to me, though I cannot tell you my authority. My dear old friend Laurence Fitzgibbon, in the performance of his official duties, had to give an opinion on a matter affecting an expenditure of some thirty or forty thousand pounds of public money. I don't think that Laurence has generally a very strong bias this way or that on such questions, but in the case in question he took upon himself to be very decided. He wrote, or got some one to write, a report proving that the service of the country imperatively demanded that the money should be spent, and in doing so was strictly within his duty." "I am glad to hear that he can be so energetic." "The Chancellor of the Exchequer got hold of the matter, and told Fitzgibbon that the thing couldn't be done." "That was all right and constitutional, I suppose." "Quite right and constitutional. But something had to be said about it in the House, and Laurence, with all his usual fluency and beautiful Irish brogue, got up and explained that the money would be absolutely thrown away if expended on a purpose so futile as that proposed. I am assured that the great capacity which he has thus shown for official work and official life will cover a multitude of sins." "You would hardly have taken Mr. Fitzgibbon as your model statesman." "Certainly not;--and if the story affected him only it would hardly be worth telling. But the point of it lies in this;--that he disgusted no one by what he did. The Chancellor of the Exchequer thinks him a very convenient man to have about him, and Mr. Gresham feels the comfort of possessing tools so pliable." "Do you think that public life then is altogether a mistake, Mr. Finn?" "For a poor man I think that it is, in this country. A man of fortune may be independent; and because he has the power of independence those who are higher than he will not expect him to be subservient. A man who takes to parliamentary office for a living may live by it, but he will have but a dog's life of it." "If I were you, Mr. Finn, I certainly would not choose a dog's life." He said not a word to her on that occasion about herself, having made up his mind that a certain period of the following day should be chosen for the purpose, and he had hardly yet arranged in his mind what words he would use on that occasion. It seemed to him that there would be so much to be said that he must settle beforehand some order of saying it. It was not as though he had merely to tell her of his love. There had been talk of love between them before, on which occasion he had been compelled to tell her that he could not accept that which she offered to him. It would be impossible, he knew, not to refer to that former conversation. And then he had to tell her that he, now coming to her as a suitor and knowing her to be a very rich woman, was himself all but penniless. He was sure, or almost sure, that she was as well aware of this fact as he was himself; but, nevertheless, it was necessary that he should tell her of it,--and if possible so tell her as to force her to believe him when he assured her that he asked her to be his wife, not because she was rich, but because he loved her. It was impossible that all this should be said as they sat side by side in the drawing-room with a crowd of people almost within hearing, and Madame Goesler had just been called upon to play, which she always did directly she was asked. He was invited to make up a rubber, but he could not bring himself to care for cards at the present moment. So he sat apart and listened to the music. If all things went right with him to-morrow that music,--or the musician who made it,--would be his own for the rest of his life. Was he justified in expecting that she would give him so much? Of her great regard for him as a friend he had no doubt. She had shown it in various ways, and after a fashion that had made it known to all the world. But so had Lady Laura regarded him when he first told her of his love at Loughlinter. She had been his dearest friend, but she had declined to become his wife; and it had been partly so with Violet Effingham, whose friendship to him had been so sweet as to make him for a while almost think that there was more than friendship. Marie Goesler had certainly once loved him;--but so had he once loved Laura Standish. He had been wretched for a while because Lady Laura had refused him. His feelings now were altogether changed, and why should not the feelings of Madame Goesler have undergone a similar change? There was no doubt of her friendship; but then neither was there any doubt of his for Lady Laura. And in spite of her friendship, would not revenge be dear to her,--revenge of that nature which a slighted woman must always desire? He had rejected her, and would it not be fair also that he should be rejected? "I suppose you'll be in your own room before lunch to-morrow," he said to her as they separated for the night. It had come to pass from the constancy of her visits to Matching in the old Duke's time, that a certain small morning-room had been devoted to her, and this was still supposed to be her property,--so that she was not driven to herd with the public or to remain in her bedroom during all the hours of the morning. "Yes," she said; "I shall go out immediately after breakfast, but I shall soon be driven in by the heat, and then I shall be there till lunch. The Duchess always comes about half-past twelve, to complain generally of the guests." She answered him quite at her ease, making arrangement for privacy if he should desire it, but doing so as though she thought that he wanted to talk to her about his trial, or about politics, or the place he had just refused. Surely she would hardly have answered him after such a fashion had she suspected that he intended to ask her to be his wife. At a little before noon the next morning he knocked at her door, and was told to enter. "I didn't go out after all," she said. "I hadn't courage to face the sun." "I saw that you were not in the garden." "If I could have found you I would have told you that I should be here all the morning. I might have sent you a message, only--only I didn't." "I have come--" "I know why you have come." "I doubt that. I have come to tell you that I love you." "Oh Phineas;--at last, at last!" And in a moment she was in his arms. It seemed to him that from that moment all the explanations, and all the statements, and most of the assurances were made by her and not by him. After this first embrace he found himself seated beside her, holding her hand. "I do not know that I am right," said he. "Why not right?" "Because you are rich and I have nothing." "If you ever remind me of that again I will strike you," she said, raising up her little fist and bringing it down with gentle pressure on his shoulder. "Between you and me there must be nothing more about that. It must be an even partnership. There must be ever so much about money, and you'll have to go into dreadful details, and make journeys to Vienna to see that the houses don't tumble down;--but there must be no question between you and me of whence it came." "You will not think that I have to come to you for that?" "Have you ever known me to have a low opinion of myself? Is it probable that I shall account myself to be personally so mean and of so little value as to imagine that you cannot love me? I know you love me. But Phineas, I have not been sure till very lately that you would ever tell me so. As for me--! Oh, heavens! when I think of it." "Tell me that you love me now." "I think I have said so plainly enough. I have never ceased to love you since I first knew you well enough for love. And I'll tell you more,--though perhaps I shall say what you will think condemns me;--you are the only man I ever loved. My husband was very good to me,--and I was, I think, good to him. But he was many years my senior, and I cannot say I loved him,--as I do you." Then she turned to him, and put her head on his shoulder. "And I loved the old Duke, too, after a fashion. But it was a different thing from this. I will tell you something about him some day that I have never yet told to a human being." "Tell me now." "No; not till I am your wife. You must trust me. But I will tell you," she said, "lest you should be miserable. He asked me to be his wife." "The old Duke?" "Yes, indeed, and I refused to be a--duchess. Lady Glencora knew it all, and, just at the time I was breaking my heart,--like a fool, for you! Yes, for you! But I got over it, and am not broken-hearted a bit. Oh, Phineas, I am so happy now." Exactly at the time she had mentioned on the previous evening, at half-past twelve, the door was opened, and the Duchess entered the room. "Oh dear," she exclaimed, "perhaps I am in the way; perhaps I am interrupting secrets." "No, Duchess." "Shall I retire? I will at once if there be anything confidential going on." "It has gone on already, and been completed," said Madame Goesler rising from her seat. "It is only a trifle. Mr. Finn has asked me to be his wife." "Well?" "I couldn't refuse Mr. Finn a little thing like that." "I should think not, after going all the way to Prague to find a latch-key! I congratulate you, Mr. Finn, with all my heart." "Thanks, Duchess." "And when is it to be?" "We have not thought about that yet, Mr. Finn,--have we?" said Madame Goesler. "Adelaide Palliser is going to be married from here some time in the autumn," said the Duchess, "and you two had better take advantage of the occasion." This plan, however, was considered as being too rapid and rash. Marriage is a very serious affair, and many things would require arrangement. A lady with the wealth which belonged to Madame Goesler cannot bestow herself off-hand as may a curate's daughter, let her be ever so willing to give her money as well as herself. It was impossible that a day should be fixed quite at once; but the Duchess was allowed to understand that the affair might be mentioned. Before dinner on that day every one of the guests at Matching Priory knew that the man who had refused to be made Under-Secretary of State had been accepted by that possessor of fabulous wealth who was well known to the world as Madame Goesler of Park Lane. "I am very glad that you did not take office under Mr. Gresham," she said to him when they first met each other again in London. "Of course when I was advising you I could not be sure that this would happen. Now you can bide your time, and if the opportunity offers you can go to work under better auspices." CHAPTER LXXX. CONCLUSION. There remains to us the very easy task of collecting together the ends of the thread of our narrative, and tying them into a simple knot, so that there may be no unravelling. Of Mr. Emilius it has been already said that his good fortune clung to him so far that it was found impossible to connect him with the tragedy of Bolton Row. But he was made to vanish for a certain number of years from the world, and dear little Lizzie Eustace was left a free woman. When last we heard of her she was at Naples, and there was then a rumour that she was about to join her fate to that of Lord George de Bruce Carruthers, with whom pecuniary matters had lately not been going comfortably. Let us hope that the match, should it be a match, may lead to the happiness and respectability of both of them. As all the world knows, Lord and Lady Chiltern still live at Harrington Hall, and he has been considered to do very well with the Brake country. He still grumbles about Trumpeton Wood, and says that it will take a lifetime to repair the injuries done by Mr. Fothergill;--but then who ever knew a Master of Hounds who wasn't ill-treated by the owners of coverts? Of Mr. Tom Spooner it can only be said that he is still a bachelor, living with his cousin Ned, and that none of the neighbours expect to see a lady at Spoon Hall. In one winter, after the period of his misfortune, he became slack about his hunting, and there were rumours that he was carrying out that terrible threat of his as to the crusade which he would go to find a cure for his love. But his cousin took him in hand somewhat sharply, made him travel abroad during the summer, and brought him out the next season, "as fresh as paint," as the members of the Brake Hunt declared. It was known to every sportsman in the country that poor Mr. Spooner had been in love; but the affair was allowed to be a mystery, and no one ever spoke to Spooner himself upon the subject. It is probable that he now reaps no slight amount of gratification from his memory of the romance. The marriage between Gerard Maule and Adelaide Palliser was celebrated with great glory at Matching, and was mentioned in all the leading papers as an alliance in high life. When it became known to Mr. Maule, Senior, that this would be so, and that the lady would have a very considerable fortune from the old Duke, he reconciled himself to the marriage altogether, and at once gave way in that matter of Maule Abbey. Nothing he thought would be more suitable than that the young people should live at the old family place. So Maule Abbey was fitted up, and Mr. and Mrs. Maule have taken up their residence there. Under the influence of his wife he has promised to attend to his farming, and proposes to do no more than go out and see the hounds when they come into his neighbourhood. Let us hope that he may prosper. Should the farming come to a good end more will probably have been due to his wife's enterprise than to his own. The energetic father is, as all the world knows, now in pursuit of a widow with three thousand a year who has lately come out in Cavendish Square. Of poor Lord Fawn no good account can be given. To his thinking, official life had none of those drawbacks with which the fantastic feelings of Phineas Finn had invested it. He could have been happy for ever at the India Board or at the Colonial Office;--but his life was made a burden to him by the affair of the Bonteen murder. He was charged with having nearly led | nor | How many times the word 'nor' appears in the text? | 3 |
won't drink any wine we might as well go into the other room." Nothing had as yet been said on either of the subjects which had brought him to Saulsby, but there had been words which made the introduction of them peculiarly unpleasant. His tidings, however, must be told. "I shall not see Lord Brentford to-night?" he asked, when they were together in the drawing-room. "If you wish it you can go up to him. He will not come down." "Oh, no. It is only because I must return to-morrow." "To-morrow, Phineas!" "I must do so. I have pledged myself to see Mr. Monk,--and others also." "It is a short visit to make to us on my first return home! I hardly expected you at Loughlinter, but I thought that you might have remained a few nights under my father's roof." He could only reassert his assurance that he was bound to be back in London, and explain as best he might that he had come to Saulsby for a single night, only because he would not refuse her request to him. "I will not trouble you, Phineas, by complaints," she said. "I would give you no cause for complaint if I could avoid it." "And now tell me what has passed between you and Mr. Gresham," she said as soon as the servant had given them coffee. They were sitting by a window which opened down to the ground, and led on to the terrace and to the lawns below. The night was soft, and the air was heavy with the scent of many flowers. It was now past nine, and the sun had set; but there was a bright harvest moon, and the light, though pale, was clear as that of day. "Will you come and take a turn round the garden? We shall be better there than sitting here. I will get my hat; can I find yours for you?" So they both strolled out, down the terrace steps, and went forth, beyond the gardens, into the park, as though they had both intended from the first that it should be so. "I know you have not accepted Mr. Gresham's offer, or you would have told me so." "I have not accepted." "Nor have you refused?" "No; it is still open. I must send my answer by telegram to-morrow--Yes or No,--Mr. Gresham's time is too precious to admit of more." "Phineas, for Heaven's sake do not allow little feelings to injure you at such a time as this. It is of your own career, not of Mr. Gresham's manners, that you should think." "I have nothing to object to in Mr. Gresham. Yes or No will be quite sufficient." "It must be Yes." "It cannot be Yes, Lady Laura. That which I desired so ardently six months ago has now become so distasteful to me that I cannot accept it. There is an amount of hustling on the Treasury Bench which makes a seat there almost ignominious." "Do they hustle more than they did three years ago?" "I think they do, or if not it is more conspicuous to my eyes. I do not say that it need be ignominious. To such a one as was Mr. Palliser it certainly is not so. But it becomes so when a man goes there to get his bread, and has to fight his way as though for bare life. When office first comes, unasked for, almost unexpected, full of the charms which distance lends, it is pleasant enough. The new-comer begins to feel that he too is entitled to rub his shoulders among those who rule the world of Great Britain. But when it has been expected, longed for as I longed for it, asked for by my friends and refused, when all the world comes to know that you are a suitor for that which should come without any suit,--then the pleasantness vanishes." "I thought it was to be your career." "And I hoped so." "What will you do, Phineas? You cannot live without an income." "I must try," he said, laughing. "You will not share with your friend, as a friend should?" "No, Lady Laura. That cannot be done." "I do not see why it cannot. Then you might be independent." "Then I should indeed be dependent." "You are too proud to owe me anything." He wanted to tell her that he was too proud to owe such obligation as she had suggested to any man or any woman; but he hardly knew how to do so, intending as he did to inform her before they returned to the house of his intention to ask Madame Goesler to be his wife. He could discern the difference between enjoying his wife's fortune and taking gifts of money from one who was bound to him by no tie;--but to her in her present mood he could explain no such distinction. On a sudden he rushed at the matter in his mind. It had to be done, and must be done before he brought her back to the house. He was conscious that he had in no degree ill-used her. He had in nothing deceived her. He had kept back from her nothing which the truest friendship had called upon him to reveal to her. And yet he knew that her indignation would rise hot within her at his first word. "Laura," he said, forgetting in his confusion to remember her rank, "I had better tell you at once that I have determined to ask Madame Goesler to be my wife." "Oh, then;--of course your income is certain." "If you choose to regard my conduct in that light I cannot help it. I do not think that I deserve such reproach." "Why not tell it all? You are engaged to her?" "Not so. I have not asked her yet." "And why do you come to me with the story of your intentions,--to me of all persons in the world? I sometimes think that of all the hearts that ever dwelt within a man's bosom yours is the hardest." "For God's sake do not say that of me." "Do you remember when you came to me about Violet,--to me,--to me? I could bear it then because she was good and earnest, and a woman that I could love even though she robbed me. And I strove for you even against my own heart,--against my own brother. I did; I did. But how am I to bear it now? What shall I do now? She is a woman I loathe." "Because you do not know her." "Not know her! And are your eyes so clear at seeing that you must know her better than others? She was the Duke's mistress." "That is untrue, Lady Laura." "But what difference does it make to me? I shall be sure that you will have bread to eat, and horses to ride, and a seat in Parliament without being forced to earn it by your labour. We shall meet no more, of course." "I do not think that you can mean that." "I will never receive that woman, nor will I cross the sill of her door. Why should I?" "Should she become my wife,--that I would have thought might have been the reason why." "Surely, Phineas, no man ever understood a woman so ill as you do." "Because I would fain hope that I need not quarrel with my oldest friend?" "Yes, sir; because you think you can do this without quarrelling. How should I speak to her of you; how listen to what she would tell me? Phineas, you have killed me at last." Why could he not tell her that it was she who had done the wrong when she gave her hand to Robert Kennedy? But he could not tell her, and he was dumb. "And so it's settled!" "No; not settled." "Psha! I hate your mock modesty! It is settled. You have become far too cautious to risk fortune in such an adventure. Practice has taught you to be perfect. It was to tell me this that you came down here." "Partly so." "It would have been more generous of you, sir, to have remained away." "I did not mean to be ungenerous." Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck, and burying her face upon his bosom. They were at the moment in the centre of the park, on the grass beneath the trees, and the moon was bright over their heads. He held her to his breast while she sobbed, and then relaxed his hold as she raised herself to look into his face. After a moment she took his hat from his head with one hand, and with the other swept the hair back from his brow. "Oh, Phineas," she said, "Oh, my darling! My idol that I have worshipped when I should have worshipped my God!" [Illustration: Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck.] After that they roamed for nearly an hour backwards and forwards beneath the trees, till at last she became calm and almost reasonable. She acknowledged that she had long expected such a marriage, looking forward to it as a great sorrow. She repeated over and over again her assertion that she could not "know" Madame Goesler as the wife of Phineas, but abstained from further evil words respecting the lady. "It is better that we should be apart," she said at last. "I feel that it is better. When we are both old, if I should live, we may meet again. I knew that it was coming, and we had better part." And yet they remained out there, wandering about the park for a long portion of the summer night. She did not reproach him again, nor did she speak much of the future; but she alluded to all the incidents of their past life, showing him that nothing which he had done, no words which he had spoken, had been forgotten by her. "Of course it has been my fault," she said, as at last she parted with him in the drawing-room. "When I was younger I did not understand how strong the heart can be. I should have known it, and I pay for my ignorance with the penalty of my whole life." Then he left her, kissing her on both cheeks and on her brow, and went to his bedroom with the understanding that he would start for London on the following morning before she was up. CHAPTER LXXIX. AT LAST--AT LAST. As he took his ticket Phineas sent his message to the Prime Minister, taking that personage literally at his word. The message was, No. When writing it in the office it seemed to him to be uncourteous, but he found it difficult to add any other words that should make it less so. He supplemented it with a letter on his arrival in London, in which he expressed his regret that certain circumstances of his life which had occurred during the last month or two made him unfit to undertake the duties of the very pleasant office to which Mr. Gresham had kindly offered to appoint him. That done, he remained in town but one night, and then set his face again towards Matching. When he reached that place it was already known that he had refused to accept Mr. Gresham's offer, and he was met at once with regrets and condolements. "I am sorry that it must be so," said the Duke,--who was sorry, for he liked the man, but who said not a word more upon the subject. "You are still young, and will have further opportunities," said Lord Cantrip, "but I wish that you could have consented to come back to your old chair." "I hope that at any rate we shall not have you against us," said Sir Harry Coldfoot. Among themselves they declared one to another that he had been so completely upset by his imprisonment and subsequent trial as to be unable to undertake the work proposed to him. "It is not a very nice thing, you know, to be accused of murder," said Sir Gregory, "and to pass a month or two under the full conviction that you are going to be hung. He'll come right again some day. I only hope it may not be too late." "So you have decided for freedom?" said Madame Goesler to him that evening,--the evening of the day on which he had returned. "Yes, indeed." "I have nothing to say against your decision now. No doubt your feelings have prompted you right." "Now that it is done, of course I am full of regrets," said Phineas. "That is simple human nature, I suppose." "Simple enough; and the worst of it is that I cannot quite explain even to myself why I have done it. Every friend I had in the world told me that I was wrong, and yet I could not help myself. The thing was offered to me, not because I was thought to be fit for it, but because I had become wonderful by being brought near to a violent death! I remember once, when I was a child, having a rocking-horse given to me because I had fallen from the top of the house to the bottom without breaking my neck. The rocking-horse was very well then, but I don't care now to have one bestowed upon me for any such reason." "Still, if the rocking-horse is in itself a good rocking-horse--" "But it isn't." "I don't mean to say a word against your decision." "It isn't good. It is one of those toys which look to be so very desirable in the shop-windows, but which give no satisfaction when they are brought home. I'll tell you what occurred the other day. The circumstances happen to be known to me, though I cannot tell you my authority. My dear old friend Laurence Fitzgibbon, in the performance of his official duties, had to give an opinion on a matter affecting an expenditure of some thirty or forty thousand pounds of public money. I don't think that Laurence has generally a very strong bias this way or that on such questions, but in the case in question he took upon himself to be very decided. He wrote, or got some one to write, a report proving that the service of the country imperatively demanded that the money should be spent, and in doing so was strictly within his duty." "I am glad to hear that he can be so energetic." "The Chancellor of the Exchequer got hold of the matter, and told Fitzgibbon that the thing couldn't be done." "That was all right and constitutional, I suppose." "Quite right and constitutional. But something had to be said about it in the House, and Laurence, with all his usual fluency and beautiful Irish brogue, got up and explained that the money would be absolutely thrown away if expended on a purpose so futile as that proposed. I am assured that the great capacity which he has thus shown for official work and official life will cover a multitude of sins." "You would hardly have taken Mr. Fitzgibbon as your model statesman." "Certainly not;--and if the story affected him only it would hardly be worth telling. But the point of it lies in this;--that he disgusted no one by what he did. The Chancellor of the Exchequer thinks him a very convenient man to have about him, and Mr. Gresham feels the comfort of possessing tools so pliable." "Do you think that public life then is altogether a mistake, Mr. Finn?" "For a poor man I think that it is, in this country. A man of fortune may be independent; and because he has the power of independence those who are higher than he will not expect him to be subservient. A man who takes to parliamentary office for a living may live by it, but he will have but a dog's life of it." "If I were you, Mr. Finn, I certainly would not choose a dog's life." He said not a word to her on that occasion about herself, having made up his mind that a certain period of the following day should be chosen for the purpose, and he had hardly yet arranged in his mind what words he would use on that occasion. It seemed to him that there would be so much to be said that he must settle beforehand some order of saying it. It was not as though he had merely to tell her of his love. There had been talk of love between them before, on which occasion he had been compelled to tell her that he could not accept that which she offered to him. It would be impossible, he knew, not to refer to that former conversation. And then he had to tell her that he, now coming to her as a suitor and knowing her to be a very rich woman, was himself all but penniless. He was sure, or almost sure, that she was as well aware of this fact as he was himself; but, nevertheless, it was necessary that he should tell her of it,--and if possible so tell her as to force her to believe him when he assured her that he asked her to be his wife, not because she was rich, but because he loved her. It was impossible that all this should be said as they sat side by side in the drawing-room with a crowd of people almost within hearing, and Madame Goesler had just been called upon to play, which she always did directly she was asked. He was invited to make up a rubber, but he could not bring himself to care for cards at the present moment. So he sat apart and listened to the music. If all things went right with him to-morrow that music,--or the musician who made it,--would be his own for the rest of his life. Was he justified in expecting that she would give him so much? Of her great regard for him as a friend he had no doubt. She had shown it in various ways, and after a fashion that had made it known to all the world. But so had Lady Laura regarded him when he first told her of his love at Loughlinter. She had been his dearest friend, but she had declined to become his wife; and it had been partly so with Violet Effingham, whose friendship to him had been so sweet as to make him for a while almost think that there was more than friendship. Marie Goesler had certainly once loved him;--but so had he once loved Laura Standish. He had been wretched for a while because Lady Laura had refused him. His feelings now were altogether changed, and why should not the feelings of Madame Goesler have undergone a similar change? There was no doubt of her friendship; but then neither was there any doubt of his for Lady Laura. And in spite of her friendship, would not revenge be dear to her,--revenge of that nature which a slighted woman must always desire? He had rejected her, and would it not be fair also that he should be rejected? "I suppose you'll be in your own room before lunch to-morrow," he said to her as they separated for the night. It had come to pass from the constancy of her visits to Matching in the old Duke's time, that a certain small morning-room had been devoted to her, and this was still supposed to be her property,--so that she was not driven to herd with the public or to remain in her bedroom during all the hours of the morning. "Yes," she said; "I shall go out immediately after breakfast, but I shall soon be driven in by the heat, and then I shall be there till lunch. The Duchess always comes about half-past twelve, to complain generally of the guests." She answered him quite at her ease, making arrangement for privacy if he should desire it, but doing so as though she thought that he wanted to talk to her about his trial, or about politics, or the place he had just refused. Surely she would hardly have answered him after such a fashion had she suspected that he intended to ask her to be his wife. At a little before noon the next morning he knocked at her door, and was told to enter. "I didn't go out after all," she said. "I hadn't courage to face the sun." "I saw that you were not in the garden." "If I could have found you I would have told you that I should be here all the morning. I might have sent you a message, only--only I didn't." "I have come--" "I know why you have come." "I doubt that. I have come to tell you that I love you." "Oh Phineas;--at last, at last!" And in a moment she was in his arms. It seemed to him that from that moment all the explanations, and all the statements, and most of the assurances were made by her and not by him. After this first embrace he found himself seated beside her, holding her hand. "I do not know that I am right," said he. "Why not right?" "Because you are rich and I have nothing." "If you ever remind me of that again I will strike you," she said, raising up her little fist and bringing it down with gentle pressure on his shoulder. "Between you and me there must be nothing more about that. It must be an even partnership. There must be ever so much about money, and you'll have to go into dreadful details, and make journeys to Vienna to see that the houses don't tumble down;--but there must be no question between you and me of whence it came." "You will not think that I have to come to you for that?" "Have you ever known me to have a low opinion of myself? Is it probable that I shall account myself to be personally so mean and of so little value as to imagine that you cannot love me? I know you love me. But Phineas, I have not been sure till very lately that you would ever tell me so. As for me--! Oh, heavens! when I think of it." "Tell me that you love me now." "I think I have said so plainly enough. I have never ceased to love you since I first knew you well enough for love. And I'll tell you more,--though perhaps I shall say what you will think condemns me;--you are the only man I ever loved. My husband was very good to me,--and I was, I think, good to him. But he was many years my senior, and I cannot say I loved him,--as I do you." Then she turned to him, and put her head on his shoulder. "And I loved the old Duke, too, after a fashion. But it was a different thing from this. I will tell you something about him some day that I have never yet told to a human being." "Tell me now." "No; not till I am your wife. You must trust me. But I will tell you," she said, "lest you should be miserable. He asked me to be his wife." "The old Duke?" "Yes, indeed, and I refused to be a--duchess. Lady Glencora knew it all, and, just at the time I was breaking my heart,--like a fool, for you! Yes, for you! But I got over it, and am not broken-hearted a bit. Oh, Phineas, I am so happy now." Exactly at the time she had mentioned on the previous evening, at half-past twelve, the door was opened, and the Duchess entered the room. "Oh dear," she exclaimed, "perhaps I am in the way; perhaps I am interrupting secrets." "No, Duchess." "Shall I retire? I will at once if there be anything confidential going on." "It has gone on already, and been completed," said Madame Goesler rising from her seat. "It is only a trifle. Mr. Finn has asked me to be his wife." "Well?" "I couldn't refuse Mr. Finn a little thing like that." "I should think not, after going all the way to Prague to find a latch-key! I congratulate you, Mr. Finn, with all my heart." "Thanks, Duchess." "And when is it to be?" "We have not thought about that yet, Mr. Finn,--have we?" said Madame Goesler. "Adelaide Palliser is going to be married from here some time in the autumn," said the Duchess, "and you two had better take advantage of the occasion." This plan, however, was considered as being too rapid and rash. Marriage is a very serious affair, and many things would require arrangement. A lady with the wealth which belonged to Madame Goesler cannot bestow herself off-hand as may a curate's daughter, let her be ever so willing to give her money as well as herself. It was impossible that a day should be fixed quite at once; but the Duchess was allowed to understand that the affair might be mentioned. Before dinner on that day every one of the guests at Matching Priory knew that the man who had refused to be made Under-Secretary of State had been accepted by that possessor of fabulous wealth who was well known to the world as Madame Goesler of Park Lane. "I am very glad that you did not take office under Mr. Gresham," she said to him when they first met each other again in London. "Of course when I was advising you I could not be sure that this would happen. Now you can bide your time, and if the opportunity offers you can go to work under better auspices." CHAPTER LXXX. CONCLUSION. There remains to us the very easy task of collecting together the ends of the thread of our narrative, and tying them into a simple knot, so that there may be no unravelling. Of Mr. Emilius it has been already said that his good fortune clung to him so far that it was found impossible to connect him with the tragedy of Bolton Row. But he was made to vanish for a certain number of years from the world, and dear little Lizzie Eustace was left a free woman. When last we heard of her she was at Naples, and there was then a rumour that she was about to join her fate to that of Lord George de Bruce Carruthers, with whom pecuniary matters had lately not been going comfortably. Let us hope that the match, should it be a match, may lead to the happiness and respectability of both of them. As all the world knows, Lord and Lady Chiltern still live at Harrington Hall, and he has been considered to do very well with the Brake country. He still grumbles about Trumpeton Wood, and says that it will take a lifetime to repair the injuries done by Mr. Fothergill;--but then who ever knew a Master of Hounds who wasn't ill-treated by the owners of coverts? Of Mr. Tom Spooner it can only be said that he is still a bachelor, living with his cousin Ned, and that none of the neighbours expect to see a lady at Spoon Hall. In one winter, after the period of his misfortune, he became slack about his hunting, and there were rumours that he was carrying out that terrible threat of his as to the crusade which he would go to find a cure for his love. But his cousin took him in hand somewhat sharply, made him travel abroad during the summer, and brought him out the next season, "as fresh as paint," as the members of the Brake Hunt declared. It was known to every sportsman in the country that poor Mr. Spooner had been in love; but the affair was allowed to be a mystery, and no one ever spoke to Spooner himself upon the subject. It is probable that he now reaps no slight amount of gratification from his memory of the romance. The marriage between Gerard Maule and Adelaide Palliser was celebrated with great glory at Matching, and was mentioned in all the leading papers as an alliance in high life. When it became known to Mr. Maule, Senior, that this would be so, and that the lady would have a very considerable fortune from the old Duke, he reconciled himself to the marriage altogether, and at once gave way in that matter of Maule Abbey. Nothing he thought would be more suitable than that the young people should live at the old family place. So Maule Abbey was fitted up, and Mr. and Mrs. Maule have taken up their residence there. Under the influence of his wife he has promised to attend to his farming, and proposes to do no more than go out and see the hounds when they come into his neighbourhood. Let us hope that he may prosper. Should the farming come to a good end more will probably have been due to his wife's enterprise than to his own. The energetic father is, as all the world knows, now in pursuit of a widow with three thousand a year who has lately come out in Cavendish Square. Of poor Lord Fawn no good account can be given. To his thinking, official life had none of those drawbacks with which the fantastic feelings of Phineas Finn had invested it. He could have been happy for ever at the India Board or at the Colonial Office;--but his life was made a burden to him by the affair of the Bonteen murder. He was charged with having nearly led | duties | How many times the word 'duties' appears in the text? | 2 |
won't drink any wine we might as well go into the other room." Nothing had as yet been said on either of the subjects which had brought him to Saulsby, but there had been words which made the introduction of them peculiarly unpleasant. His tidings, however, must be told. "I shall not see Lord Brentford to-night?" he asked, when they were together in the drawing-room. "If you wish it you can go up to him. He will not come down." "Oh, no. It is only because I must return to-morrow." "To-morrow, Phineas!" "I must do so. I have pledged myself to see Mr. Monk,--and others also." "It is a short visit to make to us on my first return home! I hardly expected you at Loughlinter, but I thought that you might have remained a few nights under my father's roof." He could only reassert his assurance that he was bound to be back in London, and explain as best he might that he had come to Saulsby for a single night, only because he would not refuse her request to him. "I will not trouble you, Phineas, by complaints," she said. "I would give you no cause for complaint if I could avoid it." "And now tell me what has passed between you and Mr. Gresham," she said as soon as the servant had given them coffee. They were sitting by a window which opened down to the ground, and led on to the terrace and to the lawns below. The night was soft, and the air was heavy with the scent of many flowers. It was now past nine, and the sun had set; but there was a bright harvest moon, and the light, though pale, was clear as that of day. "Will you come and take a turn round the garden? We shall be better there than sitting here. I will get my hat; can I find yours for you?" So they both strolled out, down the terrace steps, and went forth, beyond the gardens, into the park, as though they had both intended from the first that it should be so. "I know you have not accepted Mr. Gresham's offer, or you would have told me so." "I have not accepted." "Nor have you refused?" "No; it is still open. I must send my answer by telegram to-morrow--Yes or No,--Mr. Gresham's time is too precious to admit of more." "Phineas, for Heaven's sake do not allow little feelings to injure you at such a time as this. It is of your own career, not of Mr. Gresham's manners, that you should think." "I have nothing to object to in Mr. Gresham. Yes or No will be quite sufficient." "It must be Yes." "It cannot be Yes, Lady Laura. That which I desired so ardently six months ago has now become so distasteful to me that I cannot accept it. There is an amount of hustling on the Treasury Bench which makes a seat there almost ignominious." "Do they hustle more than they did three years ago?" "I think they do, or if not it is more conspicuous to my eyes. I do not say that it need be ignominious. To such a one as was Mr. Palliser it certainly is not so. But it becomes so when a man goes there to get his bread, and has to fight his way as though for bare life. When office first comes, unasked for, almost unexpected, full of the charms which distance lends, it is pleasant enough. The new-comer begins to feel that he too is entitled to rub his shoulders among those who rule the world of Great Britain. But when it has been expected, longed for as I longed for it, asked for by my friends and refused, when all the world comes to know that you are a suitor for that which should come without any suit,--then the pleasantness vanishes." "I thought it was to be your career." "And I hoped so." "What will you do, Phineas? You cannot live without an income." "I must try," he said, laughing. "You will not share with your friend, as a friend should?" "No, Lady Laura. That cannot be done." "I do not see why it cannot. Then you might be independent." "Then I should indeed be dependent." "You are too proud to owe me anything." He wanted to tell her that he was too proud to owe such obligation as she had suggested to any man or any woman; but he hardly knew how to do so, intending as he did to inform her before they returned to the house of his intention to ask Madame Goesler to be his wife. He could discern the difference between enjoying his wife's fortune and taking gifts of money from one who was bound to him by no tie;--but to her in her present mood he could explain no such distinction. On a sudden he rushed at the matter in his mind. It had to be done, and must be done before he brought her back to the house. He was conscious that he had in no degree ill-used her. He had in nothing deceived her. He had kept back from her nothing which the truest friendship had called upon him to reveal to her. And yet he knew that her indignation would rise hot within her at his first word. "Laura," he said, forgetting in his confusion to remember her rank, "I had better tell you at once that I have determined to ask Madame Goesler to be my wife." "Oh, then;--of course your income is certain." "If you choose to regard my conduct in that light I cannot help it. I do not think that I deserve such reproach." "Why not tell it all? You are engaged to her?" "Not so. I have not asked her yet." "And why do you come to me with the story of your intentions,--to me of all persons in the world? I sometimes think that of all the hearts that ever dwelt within a man's bosom yours is the hardest." "For God's sake do not say that of me." "Do you remember when you came to me about Violet,--to me,--to me? I could bear it then because she was good and earnest, and a woman that I could love even though she robbed me. And I strove for you even against my own heart,--against my own brother. I did; I did. But how am I to bear it now? What shall I do now? She is a woman I loathe." "Because you do not know her." "Not know her! And are your eyes so clear at seeing that you must know her better than others? She was the Duke's mistress." "That is untrue, Lady Laura." "But what difference does it make to me? I shall be sure that you will have bread to eat, and horses to ride, and a seat in Parliament without being forced to earn it by your labour. We shall meet no more, of course." "I do not think that you can mean that." "I will never receive that woman, nor will I cross the sill of her door. Why should I?" "Should she become my wife,--that I would have thought might have been the reason why." "Surely, Phineas, no man ever understood a woman so ill as you do." "Because I would fain hope that I need not quarrel with my oldest friend?" "Yes, sir; because you think you can do this without quarrelling. How should I speak to her of you; how listen to what she would tell me? Phineas, you have killed me at last." Why could he not tell her that it was she who had done the wrong when she gave her hand to Robert Kennedy? But he could not tell her, and he was dumb. "And so it's settled!" "No; not settled." "Psha! I hate your mock modesty! It is settled. You have become far too cautious to risk fortune in such an adventure. Practice has taught you to be perfect. It was to tell me this that you came down here." "Partly so." "It would have been more generous of you, sir, to have remained away." "I did not mean to be ungenerous." Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck, and burying her face upon his bosom. They were at the moment in the centre of the park, on the grass beneath the trees, and the moon was bright over their heads. He held her to his breast while she sobbed, and then relaxed his hold as she raised herself to look into his face. After a moment she took his hat from his head with one hand, and with the other swept the hair back from his brow. "Oh, Phineas," she said, "Oh, my darling! My idol that I have worshipped when I should have worshipped my God!" [Illustration: Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck.] After that they roamed for nearly an hour backwards and forwards beneath the trees, till at last she became calm and almost reasonable. She acknowledged that she had long expected such a marriage, looking forward to it as a great sorrow. She repeated over and over again her assertion that she could not "know" Madame Goesler as the wife of Phineas, but abstained from further evil words respecting the lady. "It is better that we should be apart," she said at last. "I feel that it is better. When we are both old, if I should live, we may meet again. I knew that it was coming, and we had better part." And yet they remained out there, wandering about the park for a long portion of the summer night. She did not reproach him again, nor did she speak much of the future; but she alluded to all the incidents of their past life, showing him that nothing which he had done, no words which he had spoken, had been forgotten by her. "Of course it has been my fault," she said, as at last she parted with him in the drawing-room. "When I was younger I did not understand how strong the heart can be. I should have known it, and I pay for my ignorance with the penalty of my whole life." Then he left her, kissing her on both cheeks and on her brow, and went to his bedroom with the understanding that he would start for London on the following morning before she was up. CHAPTER LXXIX. AT LAST--AT LAST. As he took his ticket Phineas sent his message to the Prime Minister, taking that personage literally at his word. The message was, No. When writing it in the office it seemed to him to be uncourteous, but he found it difficult to add any other words that should make it less so. He supplemented it with a letter on his arrival in London, in which he expressed his regret that certain circumstances of his life which had occurred during the last month or two made him unfit to undertake the duties of the very pleasant office to which Mr. Gresham had kindly offered to appoint him. That done, he remained in town but one night, and then set his face again towards Matching. When he reached that place it was already known that he had refused to accept Mr. Gresham's offer, and he was met at once with regrets and condolements. "I am sorry that it must be so," said the Duke,--who was sorry, for he liked the man, but who said not a word more upon the subject. "You are still young, and will have further opportunities," said Lord Cantrip, "but I wish that you could have consented to come back to your old chair." "I hope that at any rate we shall not have you against us," said Sir Harry Coldfoot. Among themselves they declared one to another that he had been so completely upset by his imprisonment and subsequent trial as to be unable to undertake the work proposed to him. "It is not a very nice thing, you know, to be accused of murder," said Sir Gregory, "and to pass a month or two under the full conviction that you are going to be hung. He'll come right again some day. I only hope it may not be too late." "So you have decided for freedom?" said Madame Goesler to him that evening,--the evening of the day on which he had returned. "Yes, indeed." "I have nothing to say against your decision now. No doubt your feelings have prompted you right." "Now that it is done, of course I am full of regrets," said Phineas. "That is simple human nature, I suppose." "Simple enough; and the worst of it is that I cannot quite explain even to myself why I have done it. Every friend I had in the world told me that I was wrong, and yet I could not help myself. The thing was offered to me, not because I was thought to be fit for it, but because I had become wonderful by being brought near to a violent death! I remember once, when I was a child, having a rocking-horse given to me because I had fallen from the top of the house to the bottom without breaking my neck. The rocking-horse was very well then, but I don't care now to have one bestowed upon me for any such reason." "Still, if the rocking-horse is in itself a good rocking-horse--" "But it isn't." "I don't mean to say a word against your decision." "It isn't good. It is one of those toys which look to be so very desirable in the shop-windows, but which give no satisfaction when they are brought home. I'll tell you what occurred the other day. The circumstances happen to be known to me, though I cannot tell you my authority. My dear old friend Laurence Fitzgibbon, in the performance of his official duties, had to give an opinion on a matter affecting an expenditure of some thirty or forty thousand pounds of public money. I don't think that Laurence has generally a very strong bias this way or that on such questions, but in the case in question he took upon himself to be very decided. He wrote, or got some one to write, a report proving that the service of the country imperatively demanded that the money should be spent, and in doing so was strictly within his duty." "I am glad to hear that he can be so energetic." "The Chancellor of the Exchequer got hold of the matter, and told Fitzgibbon that the thing couldn't be done." "That was all right and constitutional, I suppose." "Quite right and constitutional. But something had to be said about it in the House, and Laurence, with all his usual fluency and beautiful Irish brogue, got up and explained that the money would be absolutely thrown away if expended on a purpose so futile as that proposed. I am assured that the great capacity which he has thus shown for official work and official life will cover a multitude of sins." "You would hardly have taken Mr. Fitzgibbon as your model statesman." "Certainly not;--and if the story affected him only it would hardly be worth telling. But the point of it lies in this;--that he disgusted no one by what he did. The Chancellor of the Exchequer thinks him a very convenient man to have about him, and Mr. Gresham feels the comfort of possessing tools so pliable." "Do you think that public life then is altogether a mistake, Mr. Finn?" "For a poor man I think that it is, in this country. A man of fortune may be independent; and because he has the power of independence those who are higher than he will not expect him to be subservient. A man who takes to parliamentary office for a living may live by it, but he will have but a dog's life of it." "If I were you, Mr. Finn, I certainly would not choose a dog's life." He said not a word to her on that occasion about herself, having made up his mind that a certain period of the following day should be chosen for the purpose, and he had hardly yet arranged in his mind what words he would use on that occasion. It seemed to him that there would be so much to be said that he must settle beforehand some order of saying it. It was not as though he had merely to tell her of his love. There had been talk of love between them before, on which occasion he had been compelled to tell her that he could not accept that which she offered to him. It would be impossible, he knew, not to refer to that former conversation. And then he had to tell her that he, now coming to her as a suitor and knowing her to be a very rich woman, was himself all but penniless. He was sure, or almost sure, that she was as well aware of this fact as he was himself; but, nevertheless, it was necessary that he should tell her of it,--and if possible so tell her as to force her to believe him when he assured her that he asked her to be his wife, not because she was rich, but because he loved her. It was impossible that all this should be said as they sat side by side in the drawing-room with a crowd of people almost within hearing, and Madame Goesler had just been called upon to play, which she always did directly she was asked. He was invited to make up a rubber, but he could not bring himself to care for cards at the present moment. So he sat apart and listened to the music. If all things went right with him to-morrow that music,--or the musician who made it,--would be his own for the rest of his life. Was he justified in expecting that she would give him so much? Of her great regard for him as a friend he had no doubt. She had shown it in various ways, and after a fashion that had made it known to all the world. But so had Lady Laura regarded him when he first told her of his love at Loughlinter. She had been his dearest friend, but she had declined to become his wife; and it had been partly so with Violet Effingham, whose friendship to him had been so sweet as to make him for a while almost think that there was more than friendship. Marie Goesler had certainly once loved him;--but so had he once loved Laura Standish. He had been wretched for a while because Lady Laura had refused him. His feelings now were altogether changed, and why should not the feelings of Madame Goesler have undergone a similar change? There was no doubt of her friendship; but then neither was there any doubt of his for Lady Laura. And in spite of her friendship, would not revenge be dear to her,--revenge of that nature which a slighted woman must always desire? He had rejected her, and would it not be fair also that he should be rejected? "I suppose you'll be in your own room before lunch to-morrow," he said to her as they separated for the night. It had come to pass from the constancy of her visits to Matching in the old Duke's time, that a certain small morning-room had been devoted to her, and this was still supposed to be her property,--so that she was not driven to herd with the public or to remain in her bedroom during all the hours of the morning. "Yes," she said; "I shall go out immediately after breakfast, but I shall soon be driven in by the heat, and then I shall be there till lunch. The Duchess always comes about half-past twelve, to complain generally of the guests." She answered him quite at her ease, making arrangement for privacy if he should desire it, but doing so as though she thought that he wanted to talk to her about his trial, or about politics, or the place he had just refused. Surely she would hardly have answered him after such a fashion had she suspected that he intended to ask her to be his wife. At a little before noon the next morning he knocked at her door, and was told to enter. "I didn't go out after all," she said. "I hadn't courage to face the sun." "I saw that you were not in the garden." "If I could have found you I would have told you that I should be here all the morning. I might have sent you a message, only--only I didn't." "I have come--" "I know why you have come." "I doubt that. I have come to tell you that I love you." "Oh Phineas;--at last, at last!" And in a moment she was in his arms. It seemed to him that from that moment all the explanations, and all the statements, and most of the assurances were made by her and not by him. After this first embrace he found himself seated beside her, holding her hand. "I do not know that I am right," said he. "Why not right?" "Because you are rich and I have nothing." "If you ever remind me of that again I will strike you," she said, raising up her little fist and bringing it down with gentle pressure on his shoulder. "Between you and me there must be nothing more about that. It must be an even partnership. There must be ever so much about money, and you'll have to go into dreadful details, and make journeys to Vienna to see that the houses don't tumble down;--but there must be no question between you and me of whence it came." "You will not think that I have to come to you for that?" "Have you ever known me to have a low opinion of myself? Is it probable that I shall account myself to be personally so mean and of so little value as to imagine that you cannot love me? I know you love me. But Phineas, I have not been sure till very lately that you would ever tell me so. As for me--! Oh, heavens! when I think of it." "Tell me that you love me now." "I think I have said so plainly enough. I have never ceased to love you since I first knew you well enough for love. And I'll tell you more,--though perhaps I shall say what you will think condemns me;--you are the only man I ever loved. My husband was very good to me,--and I was, I think, good to him. But he was many years my senior, and I cannot say I loved him,--as I do you." Then she turned to him, and put her head on his shoulder. "And I loved the old Duke, too, after a fashion. But it was a different thing from this. I will tell you something about him some day that I have never yet told to a human being." "Tell me now." "No; not till I am your wife. You must trust me. But I will tell you," she said, "lest you should be miserable. He asked me to be his wife." "The old Duke?" "Yes, indeed, and I refused to be a--duchess. Lady Glencora knew it all, and, just at the time I was breaking my heart,--like a fool, for you! Yes, for you! But I got over it, and am not broken-hearted a bit. Oh, Phineas, I am so happy now." Exactly at the time she had mentioned on the previous evening, at half-past twelve, the door was opened, and the Duchess entered the room. "Oh dear," she exclaimed, "perhaps I am in the way; perhaps I am interrupting secrets." "No, Duchess." "Shall I retire? I will at once if there be anything confidential going on." "It has gone on already, and been completed," said Madame Goesler rising from her seat. "It is only a trifle. Mr. Finn has asked me to be his wife." "Well?" "I couldn't refuse Mr. Finn a little thing like that." "I should think not, after going all the way to Prague to find a latch-key! I congratulate you, Mr. Finn, with all my heart." "Thanks, Duchess." "And when is it to be?" "We have not thought about that yet, Mr. Finn,--have we?" said Madame Goesler. "Adelaide Palliser is going to be married from here some time in the autumn," said the Duchess, "and you two had better take advantage of the occasion." This plan, however, was considered as being too rapid and rash. Marriage is a very serious affair, and many things would require arrangement. A lady with the wealth which belonged to Madame Goesler cannot bestow herself off-hand as may a curate's daughter, let her be ever so willing to give her money as well as herself. It was impossible that a day should be fixed quite at once; but the Duchess was allowed to understand that the affair might be mentioned. Before dinner on that day every one of the guests at Matching Priory knew that the man who had refused to be made Under-Secretary of State had been accepted by that possessor of fabulous wealth who was well known to the world as Madame Goesler of Park Lane. "I am very glad that you did not take office under Mr. Gresham," she said to him when they first met each other again in London. "Of course when I was advising you I could not be sure that this would happen. Now you can bide your time, and if the opportunity offers you can go to work under better auspices." CHAPTER LXXX. CONCLUSION. There remains to us the very easy task of collecting together the ends of the thread of our narrative, and tying them into a simple knot, so that there may be no unravelling. Of Mr. Emilius it has been already said that his good fortune clung to him so far that it was found impossible to connect him with the tragedy of Bolton Row. But he was made to vanish for a certain number of years from the world, and dear little Lizzie Eustace was left a free woman. When last we heard of her she was at Naples, and there was then a rumour that she was about to join her fate to that of Lord George de Bruce Carruthers, with whom pecuniary matters had lately not been going comfortably. Let us hope that the match, should it be a match, may lead to the happiness and respectability of both of them. As all the world knows, Lord and Lady Chiltern still live at Harrington Hall, and he has been considered to do very well with the Brake country. He still grumbles about Trumpeton Wood, and says that it will take a lifetime to repair the injuries done by Mr. Fothergill;--but then who ever knew a Master of Hounds who wasn't ill-treated by the owners of coverts? Of Mr. Tom Spooner it can only be said that he is still a bachelor, living with his cousin Ned, and that none of the neighbours expect to see a lady at Spoon Hall. In one winter, after the period of his misfortune, he became slack about his hunting, and there were rumours that he was carrying out that terrible threat of his as to the crusade which he would go to find a cure for his love. But his cousin took him in hand somewhat sharply, made him travel abroad during the summer, and brought him out the next season, "as fresh as paint," as the members of the Brake Hunt declared. It was known to every sportsman in the country that poor Mr. Spooner had been in love; but the affair was allowed to be a mystery, and no one ever spoke to Spooner himself upon the subject. It is probable that he now reaps no slight amount of gratification from his memory of the romance. The marriage between Gerard Maule and Adelaide Palliser was celebrated with great glory at Matching, and was mentioned in all the leading papers as an alliance in high life. When it became known to Mr. Maule, Senior, that this would be so, and that the lady would have a very considerable fortune from the old Duke, he reconciled himself to the marriage altogether, and at once gave way in that matter of Maule Abbey. Nothing he thought would be more suitable than that the young people should live at the old family place. So Maule Abbey was fitted up, and Mr. and Mrs. Maule have taken up their residence there. Under the influence of his wife he has promised to attend to his farming, and proposes to do no more than go out and see the hounds when they come into his neighbourhood. Let us hope that he may prosper. Should the farming come to a good end more will probably have been due to his wife's enterprise than to his own. The energetic father is, as all the world knows, now in pursuit of a widow with three thousand a year who has lately come out in Cavendish Square. Of poor Lord Fawn no good account can be given. To his thinking, official life had none of those drawbacks with which the fantastic feelings of Phineas Finn had invested it. He could have been happy for ever at the India Board or at the Colonial Office;--but his life was made a burden to him by the affair of the Bonteen murder. He was charged with having nearly led | less | How many times the word 'less' appears in the text? | 1 |
won't drink any wine we might as well go into the other room." Nothing had as yet been said on either of the subjects which had brought him to Saulsby, but there had been words which made the introduction of them peculiarly unpleasant. His tidings, however, must be told. "I shall not see Lord Brentford to-night?" he asked, when they were together in the drawing-room. "If you wish it you can go up to him. He will not come down." "Oh, no. It is only because I must return to-morrow." "To-morrow, Phineas!" "I must do so. I have pledged myself to see Mr. Monk,--and others also." "It is a short visit to make to us on my first return home! I hardly expected you at Loughlinter, but I thought that you might have remained a few nights under my father's roof." He could only reassert his assurance that he was bound to be back in London, and explain as best he might that he had come to Saulsby for a single night, only because he would not refuse her request to him. "I will not trouble you, Phineas, by complaints," she said. "I would give you no cause for complaint if I could avoid it." "And now tell me what has passed between you and Mr. Gresham," she said as soon as the servant had given them coffee. They were sitting by a window which opened down to the ground, and led on to the terrace and to the lawns below. The night was soft, and the air was heavy with the scent of many flowers. It was now past nine, and the sun had set; but there was a bright harvest moon, and the light, though pale, was clear as that of day. "Will you come and take a turn round the garden? We shall be better there than sitting here. I will get my hat; can I find yours for you?" So they both strolled out, down the terrace steps, and went forth, beyond the gardens, into the park, as though they had both intended from the first that it should be so. "I know you have not accepted Mr. Gresham's offer, or you would have told me so." "I have not accepted." "Nor have you refused?" "No; it is still open. I must send my answer by telegram to-morrow--Yes or No,--Mr. Gresham's time is too precious to admit of more." "Phineas, for Heaven's sake do not allow little feelings to injure you at such a time as this. It is of your own career, not of Mr. Gresham's manners, that you should think." "I have nothing to object to in Mr. Gresham. Yes or No will be quite sufficient." "It must be Yes." "It cannot be Yes, Lady Laura. That which I desired so ardently six months ago has now become so distasteful to me that I cannot accept it. There is an amount of hustling on the Treasury Bench which makes a seat there almost ignominious." "Do they hustle more than they did three years ago?" "I think they do, or if not it is more conspicuous to my eyes. I do not say that it need be ignominious. To such a one as was Mr. Palliser it certainly is not so. But it becomes so when a man goes there to get his bread, and has to fight his way as though for bare life. When office first comes, unasked for, almost unexpected, full of the charms which distance lends, it is pleasant enough. The new-comer begins to feel that he too is entitled to rub his shoulders among those who rule the world of Great Britain. But when it has been expected, longed for as I longed for it, asked for by my friends and refused, when all the world comes to know that you are a suitor for that which should come without any suit,--then the pleasantness vanishes." "I thought it was to be your career." "And I hoped so." "What will you do, Phineas? You cannot live without an income." "I must try," he said, laughing. "You will not share with your friend, as a friend should?" "No, Lady Laura. That cannot be done." "I do not see why it cannot. Then you might be independent." "Then I should indeed be dependent." "You are too proud to owe me anything." He wanted to tell her that he was too proud to owe such obligation as she had suggested to any man or any woman; but he hardly knew how to do so, intending as he did to inform her before they returned to the house of his intention to ask Madame Goesler to be his wife. He could discern the difference between enjoying his wife's fortune and taking gifts of money from one who was bound to him by no tie;--but to her in her present mood he could explain no such distinction. On a sudden he rushed at the matter in his mind. It had to be done, and must be done before he brought her back to the house. He was conscious that he had in no degree ill-used her. He had in nothing deceived her. He had kept back from her nothing which the truest friendship had called upon him to reveal to her. And yet he knew that her indignation would rise hot within her at his first word. "Laura," he said, forgetting in his confusion to remember her rank, "I had better tell you at once that I have determined to ask Madame Goesler to be my wife." "Oh, then;--of course your income is certain." "If you choose to regard my conduct in that light I cannot help it. I do not think that I deserve such reproach." "Why not tell it all? You are engaged to her?" "Not so. I have not asked her yet." "And why do you come to me with the story of your intentions,--to me of all persons in the world? I sometimes think that of all the hearts that ever dwelt within a man's bosom yours is the hardest." "For God's sake do not say that of me." "Do you remember when you came to me about Violet,--to me,--to me? I could bear it then because she was good and earnest, and a woman that I could love even though she robbed me. And I strove for you even against my own heart,--against my own brother. I did; I did. But how am I to bear it now? What shall I do now? She is a woman I loathe." "Because you do not know her." "Not know her! And are your eyes so clear at seeing that you must know her better than others? She was the Duke's mistress." "That is untrue, Lady Laura." "But what difference does it make to me? I shall be sure that you will have bread to eat, and horses to ride, and a seat in Parliament without being forced to earn it by your labour. We shall meet no more, of course." "I do not think that you can mean that." "I will never receive that woman, nor will I cross the sill of her door. Why should I?" "Should she become my wife,--that I would have thought might have been the reason why." "Surely, Phineas, no man ever understood a woman so ill as you do." "Because I would fain hope that I need not quarrel with my oldest friend?" "Yes, sir; because you think you can do this without quarrelling. How should I speak to her of you; how listen to what she would tell me? Phineas, you have killed me at last." Why could he not tell her that it was she who had done the wrong when she gave her hand to Robert Kennedy? But he could not tell her, and he was dumb. "And so it's settled!" "No; not settled." "Psha! I hate your mock modesty! It is settled. You have become far too cautious to risk fortune in such an adventure. Practice has taught you to be perfect. It was to tell me this that you came down here." "Partly so." "It would have been more generous of you, sir, to have remained away." "I did not mean to be ungenerous." Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck, and burying her face upon his bosom. They were at the moment in the centre of the park, on the grass beneath the trees, and the moon was bright over their heads. He held her to his breast while she sobbed, and then relaxed his hold as she raised herself to look into his face. After a moment she took his hat from his head with one hand, and with the other swept the hair back from his brow. "Oh, Phineas," she said, "Oh, my darling! My idol that I have worshipped when I should have worshipped my God!" [Illustration: Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck.] After that they roamed for nearly an hour backwards and forwards beneath the trees, till at last she became calm and almost reasonable. She acknowledged that she had long expected such a marriage, looking forward to it as a great sorrow. She repeated over and over again her assertion that she could not "know" Madame Goesler as the wife of Phineas, but abstained from further evil words respecting the lady. "It is better that we should be apart," she said at last. "I feel that it is better. When we are both old, if I should live, we may meet again. I knew that it was coming, and we had better part." And yet they remained out there, wandering about the park for a long portion of the summer night. She did not reproach him again, nor did she speak much of the future; but she alluded to all the incidents of their past life, showing him that nothing which he had done, no words which he had spoken, had been forgotten by her. "Of course it has been my fault," she said, as at last she parted with him in the drawing-room. "When I was younger I did not understand how strong the heart can be. I should have known it, and I pay for my ignorance with the penalty of my whole life." Then he left her, kissing her on both cheeks and on her brow, and went to his bedroom with the understanding that he would start for London on the following morning before she was up. CHAPTER LXXIX. AT LAST--AT LAST. As he took his ticket Phineas sent his message to the Prime Minister, taking that personage literally at his word. The message was, No. When writing it in the office it seemed to him to be uncourteous, but he found it difficult to add any other words that should make it less so. He supplemented it with a letter on his arrival in London, in which he expressed his regret that certain circumstances of his life which had occurred during the last month or two made him unfit to undertake the duties of the very pleasant office to which Mr. Gresham had kindly offered to appoint him. That done, he remained in town but one night, and then set his face again towards Matching. When he reached that place it was already known that he had refused to accept Mr. Gresham's offer, and he was met at once with regrets and condolements. "I am sorry that it must be so," said the Duke,--who was sorry, for he liked the man, but who said not a word more upon the subject. "You are still young, and will have further opportunities," said Lord Cantrip, "but I wish that you could have consented to come back to your old chair." "I hope that at any rate we shall not have you against us," said Sir Harry Coldfoot. Among themselves they declared one to another that he had been so completely upset by his imprisonment and subsequent trial as to be unable to undertake the work proposed to him. "It is not a very nice thing, you know, to be accused of murder," said Sir Gregory, "and to pass a month or two under the full conviction that you are going to be hung. He'll come right again some day. I only hope it may not be too late." "So you have decided for freedom?" said Madame Goesler to him that evening,--the evening of the day on which he had returned. "Yes, indeed." "I have nothing to say against your decision now. No doubt your feelings have prompted you right." "Now that it is done, of course I am full of regrets," said Phineas. "That is simple human nature, I suppose." "Simple enough; and the worst of it is that I cannot quite explain even to myself why I have done it. Every friend I had in the world told me that I was wrong, and yet I could not help myself. The thing was offered to me, not because I was thought to be fit for it, but because I had become wonderful by being brought near to a violent death! I remember once, when I was a child, having a rocking-horse given to me because I had fallen from the top of the house to the bottom without breaking my neck. The rocking-horse was very well then, but I don't care now to have one bestowed upon me for any such reason." "Still, if the rocking-horse is in itself a good rocking-horse--" "But it isn't." "I don't mean to say a word against your decision." "It isn't good. It is one of those toys which look to be so very desirable in the shop-windows, but which give no satisfaction when they are brought home. I'll tell you what occurred the other day. The circumstances happen to be known to me, though I cannot tell you my authority. My dear old friend Laurence Fitzgibbon, in the performance of his official duties, had to give an opinion on a matter affecting an expenditure of some thirty or forty thousand pounds of public money. I don't think that Laurence has generally a very strong bias this way or that on such questions, but in the case in question he took upon himself to be very decided. He wrote, or got some one to write, a report proving that the service of the country imperatively demanded that the money should be spent, and in doing so was strictly within his duty." "I am glad to hear that he can be so energetic." "The Chancellor of the Exchequer got hold of the matter, and told Fitzgibbon that the thing couldn't be done." "That was all right and constitutional, I suppose." "Quite right and constitutional. But something had to be said about it in the House, and Laurence, with all his usual fluency and beautiful Irish brogue, got up and explained that the money would be absolutely thrown away if expended on a purpose so futile as that proposed. I am assured that the great capacity which he has thus shown for official work and official life will cover a multitude of sins." "You would hardly have taken Mr. Fitzgibbon as your model statesman." "Certainly not;--and if the story affected him only it would hardly be worth telling. But the point of it lies in this;--that he disgusted no one by what he did. The Chancellor of the Exchequer thinks him a very convenient man to have about him, and Mr. Gresham feels the comfort of possessing tools so pliable." "Do you think that public life then is altogether a mistake, Mr. Finn?" "For a poor man I think that it is, in this country. A man of fortune may be independent; and because he has the power of independence those who are higher than he will not expect him to be subservient. A man who takes to parliamentary office for a living may live by it, but he will have but a dog's life of it." "If I were you, Mr. Finn, I certainly would not choose a dog's life." He said not a word to her on that occasion about herself, having made up his mind that a certain period of the following day should be chosen for the purpose, and he had hardly yet arranged in his mind what words he would use on that occasion. It seemed to him that there would be so much to be said that he must settle beforehand some order of saying it. It was not as though he had merely to tell her of his love. There had been talk of love between them before, on which occasion he had been compelled to tell her that he could not accept that which she offered to him. It would be impossible, he knew, not to refer to that former conversation. And then he had to tell her that he, now coming to her as a suitor and knowing her to be a very rich woman, was himself all but penniless. He was sure, or almost sure, that she was as well aware of this fact as he was himself; but, nevertheless, it was necessary that he should tell her of it,--and if possible so tell her as to force her to believe him when he assured her that he asked her to be his wife, not because she was rich, but because he loved her. It was impossible that all this should be said as they sat side by side in the drawing-room with a crowd of people almost within hearing, and Madame Goesler had just been called upon to play, which she always did directly she was asked. He was invited to make up a rubber, but he could not bring himself to care for cards at the present moment. So he sat apart and listened to the music. If all things went right with him to-morrow that music,--or the musician who made it,--would be his own for the rest of his life. Was he justified in expecting that she would give him so much? Of her great regard for him as a friend he had no doubt. She had shown it in various ways, and after a fashion that had made it known to all the world. But so had Lady Laura regarded him when he first told her of his love at Loughlinter. She had been his dearest friend, but she had declined to become his wife; and it had been partly so with Violet Effingham, whose friendship to him had been so sweet as to make him for a while almost think that there was more than friendship. Marie Goesler had certainly once loved him;--but so had he once loved Laura Standish. He had been wretched for a while because Lady Laura had refused him. His feelings now were altogether changed, and why should not the feelings of Madame Goesler have undergone a similar change? There was no doubt of her friendship; but then neither was there any doubt of his for Lady Laura. And in spite of her friendship, would not revenge be dear to her,--revenge of that nature which a slighted woman must always desire? He had rejected her, and would it not be fair also that he should be rejected? "I suppose you'll be in your own room before lunch to-morrow," he said to her as they separated for the night. It had come to pass from the constancy of her visits to Matching in the old Duke's time, that a certain small morning-room had been devoted to her, and this was still supposed to be her property,--so that she was not driven to herd with the public or to remain in her bedroom during all the hours of the morning. "Yes," she said; "I shall go out immediately after breakfast, but I shall soon be driven in by the heat, and then I shall be there till lunch. The Duchess always comes about half-past twelve, to complain generally of the guests." She answered him quite at her ease, making arrangement for privacy if he should desire it, but doing so as though she thought that he wanted to talk to her about his trial, or about politics, or the place he had just refused. Surely she would hardly have answered him after such a fashion had she suspected that he intended to ask her to be his wife. At a little before noon the next morning he knocked at her door, and was told to enter. "I didn't go out after all," she said. "I hadn't courage to face the sun." "I saw that you were not in the garden." "If I could have found you I would have told you that I should be here all the morning. I might have sent you a message, only--only I didn't." "I have come--" "I know why you have come." "I doubt that. I have come to tell you that I love you." "Oh Phineas;--at last, at last!" And in a moment she was in his arms. It seemed to him that from that moment all the explanations, and all the statements, and most of the assurances were made by her and not by him. After this first embrace he found himself seated beside her, holding her hand. "I do not know that I am right," said he. "Why not right?" "Because you are rich and I have nothing." "If you ever remind me of that again I will strike you," she said, raising up her little fist and bringing it down with gentle pressure on his shoulder. "Between you and me there must be nothing more about that. It must be an even partnership. There must be ever so much about money, and you'll have to go into dreadful details, and make journeys to Vienna to see that the houses don't tumble down;--but there must be no question between you and me of whence it came." "You will not think that I have to come to you for that?" "Have you ever known me to have a low opinion of myself? Is it probable that I shall account myself to be personally so mean and of so little value as to imagine that you cannot love me? I know you love me. But Phineas, I have not been sure till very lately that you would ever tell me so. As for me--! Oh, heavens! when I think of it." "Tell me that you love me now." "I think I have said so plainly enough. I have never ceased to love you since I first knew you well enough for love. And I'll tell you more,--though perhaps I shall say what you will think condemns me;--you are the only man I ever loved. My husband was very good to me,--and I was, I think, good to him. But he was many years my senior, and I cannot say I loved him,--as I do you." Then she turned to him, and put her head on his shoulder. "And I loved the old Duke, too, after a fashion. But it was a different thing from this. I will tell you something about him some day that I have never yet told to a human being." "Tell me now." "No; not till I am your wife. You must trust me. But I will tell you," she said, "lest you should be miserable. He asked me to be his wife." "The old Duke?" "Yes, indeed, and I refused to be a--duchess. Lady Glencora knew it all, and, just at the time I was breaking my heart,--like a fool, for you! Yes, for you! But I got over it, and am not broken-hearted a bit. Oh, Phineas, I am so happy now." Exactly at the time she had mentioned on the previous evening, at half-past twelve, the door was opened, and the Duchess entered the room. "Oh dear," she exclaimed, "perhaps I am in the way; perhaps I am interrupting secrets." "No, Duchess." "Shall I retire? I will at once if there be anything confidential going on." "It has gone on already, and been completed," said Madame Goesler rising from her seat. "It is only a trifle. Mr. Finn has asked me to be his wife." "Well?" "I couldn't refuse Mr. Finn a little thing like that." "I should think not, after going all the way to Prague to find a latch-key! I congratulate you, Mr. Finn, with all my heart." "Thanks, Duchess." "And when is it to be?" "We have not thought about that yet, Mr. Finn,--have we?" said Madame Goesler. "Adelaide Palliser is going to be married from here some time in the autumn," said the Duchess, "and you two had better take advantage of the occasion." This plan, however, was considered as being too rapid and rash. Marriage is a very serious affair, and many things would require arrangement. A lady with the wealth which belonged to Madame Goesler cannot bestow herself off-hand as may a curate's daughter, let her be ever so willing to give her money as well as herself. It was impossible that a day should be fixed quite at once; but the Duchess was allowed to understand that the affair might be mentioned. Before dinner on that day every one of the guests at Matching Priory knew that the man who had refused to be made Under-Secretary of State had been accepted by that possessor of fabulous wealth who was well known to the world as Madame Goesler of Park Lane. "I am very glad that you did not take office under Mr. Gresham," she said to him when they first met each other again in London. "Of course when I was advising you I could not be sure that this would happen. Now you can bide your time, and if the opportunity offers you can go to work under better auspices." CHAPTER LXXX. CONCLUSION. There remains to us the very easy task of collecting together the ends of the thread of our narrative, and tying them into a simple knot, so that there may be no unravelling. Of Mr. Emilius it has been already said that his good fortune clung to him so far that it was found impossible to connect him with the tragedy of Bolton Row. But he was made to vanish for a certain number of years from the world, and dear little Lizzie Eustace was left a free woman. When last we heard of her she was at Naples, and there was then a rumour that she was about to join her fate to that of Lord George de Bruce Carruthers, with whom pecuniary matters had lately not been going comfortably. Let us hope that the match, should it be a match, may lead to the happiness and respectability of both of them. As all the world knows, Lord and Lady Chiltern still live at Harrington Hall, and he has been considered to do very well with the Brake country. He still grumbles about Trumpeton Wood, and says that it will take a lifetime to repair the injuries done by Mr. Fothergill;--but then who ever knew a Master of Hounds who wasn't ill-treated by the owners of coverts? Of Mr. Tom Spooner it can only be said that he is still a bachelor, living with his cousin Ned, and that none of the neighbours expect to see a lady at Spoon Hall. In one winter, after the period of his misfortune, he became slack about his hunting, and there were rumours that he was carrying out that terrible threat of his as to the crusade which he would go to find a cure for his love. But his cousin took him in hand somewhat sharply, made him travel abroad during the summer, and brought him out the next season, "as fresh as paint," as the members of the Brake Hunt declared. It was known to every sportsman in the country that poor Mr. Spooner had been in love; but the affair was allowed to be a mystery, and no one ever spoke to Spooner himself upon the subject. It is probable that he now reaps no slight amount of gratification from his memory of the romance. The marriage between Gerard Maule and Adelaide Palliser was celebrated with great glory at Matching, and was mentioned in all the leading papers as an alliance in high life. When it became known to Mr. Maule, Senior, that this would be so, and that the lady would have a very considerable fortune from the old Duke, he reconciled himself to the marriage altogether, and at once gave way in that matter of Maule Abbey. Nothing he thought would be more suitable than that the young people should live at the old family place. So Maule Abbey was fitted up, and Mr. and Mrs. Maule have taken up their residence there. Under the influence of his wife he has promised to attend to his farming, and proposes to do no more than go out and see the hounds when they come into his neighbourhood. Let us hope that he may prosper. Should the farming come to a good end more will probably have been due to his wife's enterprise than to his own. The energetic father is, as all the world knows, now in pursuit of a widow with three thousand a year who has lately come out in Cavendish Square. Of poor Lord Fawn no good account can be given. To his thinking, official life had none of those drawbacks with which the fantastic feelings of Phineas Finn had invested it. He could have been happy for ever at the India Board or at the Colonial Office;--but his life was made a burden to him by the affair of the Bonteen murder. He was charged with having nearly led | cushion | How many times the word 'cushion' appears in the text? | 0 |
won't drink any wine we might as well go into the other room." Nothing had as yet been said on either of the subjects which had brought him to Saulsby, but there had been words which made the introduction of them peculiarly unpleasant. His tidings, however, must be told. "I shall not see Lord Brentford to-night?" he asked, when they were together in the drawing-room. "If you wish it you can go up to him. He will not come down." "Oh, no. It is only because I must return to-morrow." "To-morrow, Phineas!" "I must do so. I have pledged myself to see Mr. Monk,--and others also." "It is a short visit to make to us on my first return home! I hardly expected you at Loughlinter, but I thought that you might have remained a few nights under my father's roof." He could only reassert his assurance that he was bound to be back in London, and explain as best he might that he had come to Saulsby for a single night, only because he would not refuse her request to him. "I will not trouble you, Phineas, by complaints," she said. "I would give you no cause for complaint if I could avoid it." "And now tell me what has passed between you and Mr. Gresham," she said as soon as the servant had given them coffee. They were sitting by a window which opened down to the ground, and led on to the terrace and to the lawns below. The night was soft, and the air was heavy with the scent of many flowers. It was now past nine, and the sun had set; but there was a bright harvest moon, and the light, though pale, was clear as that of day. "Will you come and take a turn round the garden? We shall be better there than sitting here. I will get my hat; can I find yours for you?" So they both strolled out, down the terrace steps, and went forth, beyond the gardens, into the park, as though they had both intended from the first that it should be so. "I know you have not accepted Mr. Gresham's offer, or you would have told me so." "I have not accepted." "Nor have you refused?" "No; it is still open. I must send my answer by telegram to-morrow--Yes or No,--Mr. Gresham's time is too precious to admit of more." "Phineas, for Heaven's sake do not allow little feelings to injure you at such a time as this. It is of your own career, not of Mr. Gresham's manners, that you should think." "I have nothing to object to in Mr. Gresham. Yes or No will be quite sufficient." "It must be Yes." "It cannot be Yes, Lady Laura. That which I desired so ardently six months ago has now become so distasteful to me that I cannot accept it. There is an amount of hustling on the Treasury Bench which makes a seat there almost ignominious." "Do they hustle more than they did three years ago?" "I think they do, or if not it is more conspicuous to my eyes. I do not say that it need be ignominious. To such a one as was Mr. Palliser it certainly is not so. But it becomes so when a man goes there to get his bread, and has to fight his way as though for bare life. When office first comes, unasked for, almost unexpected, full of the charms which distance lends, it is pleasant enough. The new-comer begins to feel that he too is entitled to rub his shoulders among those who rule the world of Great Britain. But when it has been expected, longed for as I longed for it, asked for by my friends and refused, when all the world comes to know that you are a suitor for that which should come without any suit,--then the pleasantness vanishes." "I thought it was to be your career." "And I hoped so." "What will you do, Phineas? You cannot live without an income." "I must try," he said, laughing. "You will not share with your friend, as a friend should?" "No, Lady Laura. That cannot be done." "I do not see why it cannot. Then you might be independent." "Then I should indeed be dependent." "You are too proud to owe me anything." He wanted to tell her that he was too proud to owe such obligation as she had suggested to any man or any woman; but he hardly knew how to do so, intending as he did to inform her before they returned to the house of his intention to ask Madame Goesler to be his wife. He could discern the difference between enjoying his wife's fortune and taking gifts of money from one who was bound to him by no tie;--but to her in her present mood he could explain no such distinction. On a sudden he rushed at the matter in his mind. It had to be done, and must be done before he brought her back to the house. He was conscious that he had in no degree ill-used her. He had in nothing deceived her. He had kept back from her nothing which the truest friendship had called upon him to reveal to her. And yet he knew that her indignation would rise hot within her at his first word. "Laura," he said, forgetting in his confusion to remember her rank, "I had better tell you at once that I have determined to ask Madame Goesler to be my wife." "Oh, then;--of course your income is certain." "If you choose to regard my conduct in that light I cannot help it. I do not think that I deserve such reproach." "Why not tell it all? You are engaged to her?" "Not so. I have not asked her yet." "And why do you come to me with the story of your intentions,--to me of all persons in the world? I sometimes think that of all the hearts that ever dwelt within a man's bosom yours is the hardest." "For God's sake do not say that of me." "Do you remember when you came to me about Violet,--to me,--to me? I could bear it then because she was good and earnest, and a woman that I could love even though she robbed me. And I strove for you even against my own heart,--against my own brother. I did; I did. But how am I to bear it now? What shall I do now? She is a woman I loathe." "Because you do not know her." "Not know her! And are your eyes so clear at seeing that you must know her better than others? She was the Duke's mistress." "That is untrue, Lady Laura." "But what difference does it make to me? I shall be sure that you will have bread to eat, and horses to ride, and a seat in Parliament without being forced to earn it by your labour. We shall meet no more, of course." "I do not think that you can mean that." "I will never receive that woman, nor will I cross the sill of her door. Why should I?" "Should she become my wife,--that I would have thought might have been the reason why." "Surely, Phineas, no man ever understood a woman so ill as you do." "Because I would fain hope that I need not quarrel with my oldest friend?" "Yes, sir; because you think you can do this without quarrelling. How should I speak to her of you; how listen to what she would tell me? Phineas, you have killed me at last." Why could he not tell her that it was she who had done the wrong when she gave her hand to Robert Kennedy? But he could not tell her, and he was dumb. "And so it's settled!" "No; not settled." "Psha! I hate your mock modesty! It is settled. You have become far too cautious to risk fortune in such an adventure. Practice has taught you to be perfect. It was to tell me this that you came down here." "Partly so." "It would have been more generous of you, sir, to have remained away." "I did not mean to be ungenerous." Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck, and burying her face upon his bosom. They were at the moment in the centre of the park, on the grass beneath the trees, and the moon was bright over their heads. He held her to his breast while she sobbed, and then relaxed his hold as she raised herself to look into his face. After a moment she took his hat from his head with one hand, and with the other swept the hair back from his brow. "Oh, Phineas," she said, "Oh, my darling! My idol that I have worshipped when I should have worshipped my God!" [Illustration: Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck.] After that they roamed for nearly an hour backwards and forwards beneath the trees, till at last she became calm and almost reasonable. She acknowledged that she had long expected such a marriage, looking forward to it as a great sorrow. She repeated over and over again her assertion that she could not "know" Madame Goesler as the wife of Phineas, but abstained from further evil words respecting the lady. "It is better that we should be apart," she said at last. "I feel that it is better. When we are both old, if I should live, we may meet again. I knew that it was coming, and we had better part." And yet they remained out there, wandering about the park for a long portion of the summer night. She did not reproach him again, nor did she speak much of the future; but she alluded to all the incidents of their past life, showing him that nothing which he had done, no words which he had spoken, had been forgotten by her. "Of course it has been my fault," she said, as at last she parted with him in the drawing-room. "When I was younger I did not understand how strong the heart can be. I should have known it, and I pay for my ignorance with the penalty of my whole life." Then he left her, kissing her on both cheeks and on her brow, and went to his bedroom with the understanding that he would start for London on the following morning before she was up. CHAPTER LXXIX. AT LAST--AT LAST. As he took his ticket Phineas sent his message to the Prime Minister, taking that personage literally at his word. The message was, No. When writing it in the office it seemed to him to be uncourteous, but he found it difficult to add any other words that should make it less so. He supplemented it with a letter on his arrival in London, in which he expressed his regret that certain circumstances of his life which had occurred during the last month or two made him unfit to undertake the duties of the very pleasant office to which Mr. Gresham had kindly offered to appoint him. That done, he remained in town but one night, and then set his face again towards Matching. When he reached that place it was already known that he had refused to accept Mr. Gresham's offer, and he was met at once with regrets and condolements. "I am sorry that it must be so," said the Duke,--who was sorry, for he liked the man, but who said not a word more upon the subject. "You are still young, and will have further opportunities," said Lord Cantrip, "but I wish that you could have consented to come back to your old chair." "I hope that at any rate we shall not have you against us," said Sir Harry Coldfoot. Among themselves they declared one to another that he had been so completely upset by his imprisonment and subsequent trial as to be unable to undertake the work proposed to him. "It is not a very nice thing, you know, to be accused of murder," said Sir Gregory, "and to pass a month or two under the full conviction that you are going to be hung. He'll come right again some day. I only hope it may not be too late." "So you have decided for freedom?" said Madame Goesler to him that evening,--the evening of the day on which he had returned. "Yes, indeed." "I have nothing to say against your decision now. No doubt your feelings have prompted you right." "Now that it is done, of course I am full of regrets," said Phineas. "That is simple human nature, I suppose." "Simple enough; and the worst of it is that I cannot quite explain even to myself why I have done it. Every friend I had in the world told me that I was wrong, and yet I could not help myself. The thing was offered to me, not because I was thought to be fit for it, but because I had become wonderful by being brought near to a violent death! I remember once, when I was a child, having a rocking-horse given to me because I had fallen from the top of the house to the bottom without breaking my neck. The rocking-horse was very well then, but I don't care now to have one bestowed upon me for any such reason." "Still, if the rocking-horse is in itself a good rocking-horse--" "But it isn't." "I don't mean to say a word against your decision." "It isn't good. It is one of those toys which look to be so very desirable in the shop-windows, but which give no satisfaction when they are brought home. I'll tell you what occurred the other day. The circumstances happen to be known to me, though I cannot tell you my authority. My dear old friend Laurence Fitzgibbon, in the performance of his official duties, had to give an opinion on a matter affecting an expenditure of some thirty or forty thousand pounds of public money. I don't think that Laurence has generally a very strong bias this way or that on such questions, but in the case in question he took upon himself to be very decided. He wrote, or got some one to write, a report proving that the service of the country imperatively demanded that the money should be spent, and in doing so was strictly within his duty." "I am glad to hear that he can be so energetic." "The Chancellor of the Exchequer got hold of the matter, and told Fitzgibbon that the thing couldn't be done." "That was all right and constitutional, I suppose." "Quite right and constitutional. But something had to be said about it in the House, and Laurence, with all his usual fluency and beautiful Irish brogue, got up and explained that the money would be absolutely thrown away if expended on a purpose so futile as that proposed. I am assured that the great capacity which he has thus shown for official work and official life will cover a multitude of sins." "You would hardly have taken Mr. Fitzgibbon as your model statesman." "Certainly not;--and if the story affected him only it would hardly be worth telling. But the point of it lies in this;--that he disgusted no one by what he did. The Chancellor of the Exchequer thinks him a very convenient man to have about him, and Mr. Gresham feels the comfort of possessing tools so pliable." "Do you think that public life then is altogether a mistake, Mr. Finn?" "For a poor man I think that it is, in this country. A man of fortune may be independent; and because he has the power of independence those who are higher than he will not expect him to be subservient. A man who takes to parliamentary office for a living may live by it, but he will have but a dog's life of it." "If I were you, Mr. Finn, I certainly would not choose a dog's life." He said not a word to her on that occasion about herself, having made up his mind that a certain period of the following day should be chosen for the purpose, and he had hardly yet arranged in his mind what words he would use on that occasion. It seemed to him that there would be so much to be said that he must settle beforehand some order of saying it. It was not as though he had merely to tell her of his love. There had been talk of love between them before, on which occasion he had been compelled to tell her that he could not accept that which she offered to him. It would be impossible, he knew, not to refer to that former conversation. And then he had to tell her that he, now coming to her as a suitor and knowing her to be a very rich woman, was himself all but penniless. He was sure, or almost sure, that she was as well aware of this fact as he was himself; but, nevertheless, it was necessary that he should tell her of it,--and if possible so tell her as to force her to believe him when he assured her that he asked her to be his wife, not because she was rich, but because he loved her. It was impossible that all this should be said as they sat side by side in the drawing-room with a crowd of people almost within hearing, and Madame Goesler had just been called upon to play, which she always did directly she was asked. He was invited to make up a rubber, but he could not bring himself to care for cards at the present moment. So he sat apart and listened to the music. If all things went right with him to-morrow that music,--or the musician who made it,--would be his own for the rest of his life. Was he justified in expecting that she would give him so much? Of her great regard for him as a friend he had no doubt. She had shown it in various ways, and after a fashion that had made it known to all the world. But so had Lady Laura regarded him when he first told her of his love at Loughlinter. She had been his dearest friend, but she had declined to become his wife; and it had been partly so with Violet Effingham, whose friendship to him had been so sweet as to make him for a while almost think that there was more than friendship. Marie Goesler had certainly once loved him;--but so had he once loved Laura Standish. He had been wretched for a while because Lady Laura had refused him. His feelings now were altogether changed, and why should not the feelings of Madame Goesler have undergone a similar change? There was no doubt of her friendship; but then neither was there any doubt of his for Lady Laura. And in spite of her friendship, would not revenge be dear to her,--revenge of that nature which a slighted woman must always desire? He had rejected her, and would it not be fair also that he should be rejected? "I suppose you'll be in your own room before lunch to-morrow," he said to her as they separated for the night. It had come to pass from the constancy of her visits to Matching in the old Duke's time, that a certain small morning-room had been devoted to her, and this was still supposed to be her property,--so that she was not driven to herd with the public or to remain in her bedroom during all the hours of the morning. "Yes," she said; "I shall go out immediately after breakfast, but I shall soon be driven in by the heat, and then I shall be there till lunch. The Duchess always comes about half-past twelve, to complain generally of the guests." She answered him quite at her ease, making arrangement for privacy if he should desire it, but doing so as though she thought that he wanted to talk to her about his trial, or about politics, or the place he had just refused. Surely she would hardly have answered him after such a fashion had she suspected that he intended to ask her to be his wife. At a little before noon the next morning he knocked at her door, and was told to enter. "I didn't go out after all," she said. "I hadn't courage to face the sun." "I saw that you were not in the garden." "If I could have found you I would have told you that I should be here all the morning. I might have sent you a message, only--only I didn't." "I have come--" "I know why you have come." "I doubt that. I have come to tell you that I love you." "Oh Phineas;--at last, at last!" And in a moment she was in his arms. It seemed to him that from that moment all the explanations, and all the statements, and most of the assurances were made by her and not by him. After this first embrace he found himself seated beside her, holding her hand. "I do not know that I am right," said he. "Why not right?" "Because you are rich and I have nothing." "If you ever remind me of that again I will strike you," she said, raising up her little fist and bringing it down with gentle pressure on his shoulder. "Between you and me there must be nothing more about that. It must be an even partnership. There must be ever so much about money, and you'll have to go into dreadful details, and make journeys to Vienna to see that the houses don't tumble down;--but there must be no question between you and me of whence it came." "You will not think that I have to come to you for that?" "Have you ever known me to have a low opinion of myself? Is it probable that I shall account myself to be personally so mean and of so little value as to imagine that you cannot love me? I know you love me. But Phineas, I have not been sure till very lately that you would ever tell me so. As for me--! Oh, heavens! when I think of it." "Tell me that you love me now." "I think I have said so plainly enough. I have never ceased to love you since I first knew you well enough for love. And I'll tell you more,--though perhaps I shall say what you will think condemns me;--you are the only man I ever loved. My husband was very good to me,--and I was, I think, good to him. But he was many years my senior, and I cannot say I loved him,--as I do you." Then she turned to him, and put her head on his shoulder. "And I loved the old Duke, too, after a fashion. But it was a different thing from this. I will tell you something about him some day that I have never yet told to a human being." "Tell me now." "No; not till I am your wife. You must trust me. But I will tell you," she said, "lest you should be miserable. He asked me to be his wife." "The old Duke?" "Yes, indeed, and I refused to be a--duchess. Lady Glencora knew it all, and, just at the time I was breaking my heart,--like a fool, for you! Yes, for you! But I got over it, and am not broken-hearted a bit. Oh, Phineas, I am so happy now." Exactly at the time she had mentioned on the previous evening, at half-past twelve, the door was opened, and the Duchess entered the room. "Oh dear," she exclaimed, "perhaps I am in the way; perhaps I am interrupting secrets." "No, Duchess." "Shall I retire? I will at once if there be anything confidential going on." "It has gone on already, and been completed," said Madame Goesler rising from her seat. "It is only a trifle. Mr. Finn has asked me to be his wife." "Well?" "I couldn't refuse Mr. Finn a little thing like that." "I should think not, after going all the way to Prague to find a latch-key! I congratulate you, Mr. Finn, with all my heart." "Thanks, Duchess." "And when is it to be?" "We have not thought about that yet, Mr. Finn,--have we?" said Madame Goesler. "Adelaide Palliser is going to be married from here some time in the autumn," said the Duchess, "and you two had better take advantage of the occasion." This plan, however, was considered as being too rapid and rash. Marriage is a very serious affair, and many things would require arrangement. A lady with the wealth which belonged to Madame Goesler cannot bestow herself off-hand as may a curate's daughter, let her be ever so willing to give her money as well as herself. It was impossible that a day should be fixed quite at once; but the Duchess was allowed to understand that the affair might be mentioned. Before dinner on that day every one of the guests at Matching Priory knew that the man who had refused to be made Under-Secretary of State had been accepted by that possessor of fabulous wealth who was well known to the world as Madame Goesler of Park Lane. "I am very glad that you did not take office under Mr. Gresham," she said to him when they first met each other again in London. "Of course when I was advising you I could not be sure that this would happen. Now you can bide your time, and if the opportunity offers you can go to work under better auspices." CHAPTER LXXX. CONCLUSION. There remains to us the very easy task of collecting together the ends of the thread of our narrative, and tying them into a simple knot, so that there may be no unravelling. Of Mr. Emilius it has been already said that his good fortune clung to him so far that it was found impossible to connect him with the tragedy of Bolton Row. But he was made to vanish for a certain number of years from the world, and dear little Lizzie Eustace was left a free woman. When last we heard of her she was at Naples, and there was then a rumour that she was about to join her fate to that of Lord George de Bruce Carruthers, with whom pecuniary matters had lately not been going comfortably. Let us hope that the match, should it be a match, may lead to the happiness and respectability of both of them. As all the world knows, Lord and Lady Chiltern still live at Harrington Hall, and he has been considered to do very well with the Brake country. He still grumbles about Trumpeton Wood, and says that it will take a lifetime to repair the injuries done by Mr. Fothergill;--but then who ever knew a Master of Hounds who wasn't ill-treated by the owners of coverts? Of Mr. Tom Spooner it can only be said that he is still a bachelor, living with his cousin Ned, and that none of the neighbours expect to see a lady at Spoon Hall. In one winter, after the period of his misfortune, he became slack about his hunting, and there were rumours that he was carrying out that terrible threat of his as to the crusade which he would go to find a cure for his love. But his cousin took him in hand somewhat sharply, made him travel abroad during the summer, and brought him out the next season, "as fresh as paint," as the members of the Brake Hunt declared. It was known to every sportsman in the country that poor Mr. Spooner had been in love; but the affair was allowed to be a mystery, and no one ever spoke to Spooner himself upon the subject. It is probable that he now reaps no slight amount of gratification from his memory of the romance. The marriage between Gerard Maule and Adelaide Palliser was celebrated with great glory at Matching, and was mentioned in all the leading papers as an alliance in high life. When it became known to Mr. Maule, Senior, that this would be so, and that the lady would have a very considerable fortune from the old Duke, he reconciled himself to the marriage altogether, and at once gave way in that matter of Maule Abbey. Nothing he thought would be more suitable than that the young people should live at the old family place. So Maule Abbey was fitted up, and Mr. and Mrs. Maule have taken up their residence there. Under the influence of his wife he has promised to attend to his farming, and proposes to do no more than go out and see the hounds when they come into his neighbourhood. Let us hope that he may prosper. Should the farming come to a good end more will probably have been due to his wife's enterprise than to his own. The energetic father is, as all the world knows, now in pursuit of a widow with three thousand a year who has lately come out in Cavendish Square. Of poor Lord Fawn no good account can be given. To his thinking, official life had none of those drawbacks with which the fantastic feelings of Phineas Finn had invested it. He could have been happy for ever at the India Board or at the Colonial Office;--but his life was made a burden to him by the affair of the Bonteen murder. He was charged with having nearly led | accept | How many times the word 'accept' appears in the text? | 3 |
won't drink any wine we might as well go into the other room." Nothing had as yet been said on either of the subjects which had brought him to Saulsby, but there had been words which made the introduction of them peculiarly unpleasant. His tidings, however, must be told. "I shall not see Lord Brentford to-night?" he asked, when they were together in the drawing-room. "If you wish it you can go up to him. He will not come down." "Oh, no. It is only because I must return to-morrow." "To-morrow, Phineas!" "I must do so. I have pledged myself to see Mr. Monk,--and others also." "It is a short visit to make to us on my first return home! I hardly expected you at Loughlinter, but I thought that you might have remained a few nights under my father's roof." He could only reassert his assurance that he was bound to be back in London, and explain as best he might that he had come to Saulsby for a single night, only because he would not refuse her request to him. "I will not trouble you, Phineas, by complaints," she said. "I would give you no cause for complaint if I could avoid it." "And now tell me what has passed between you and Mr. Gresham," she said as soon as the servant had given them coffee. They were sitting by a window which opened down to the ground, and led on to the terrace and to the lawns below. The night was soft, and the air was heavy with the scent of many flowers. It was now past nine, and the sun had set; but there was a bright harvest moon, and the light, though pale, was clear as that of day. "Will you come and take a turn round the garden? We shall be better there than sitting here. I will get my hat; can I find yours for you?" So they both strolled out, down the terrace steps, and went forth, beyond the gardens, into the park, as though they had both intended from the first that it should be so. "I know you have not accepted Mr. Gresham's offer, or you would have told me so." "I have not accepted." "Nor have you refused?" "No; it is still open. I must send my answer by telegram to-morrow--Yes or No,--Mr. Gresham's time is too precious to admit of more." "Phineas, for Heaven's sake do not allow little feelings to injure you at such a time as this. It is of your own career, not of Mr. Gresham's manners, that you should think." "I have nothing to object to in Mr. Gresham. Yes or No will be quite sufficient." "It must be Yes." "It cannot be Yes, Lady Laura. That which I desired so ardently six months ago has now become so distasteful to me that I cannot accept it. There is an amount of hustling on the Treasury Bench which makes a seat there almost ignominious." "Do they hustle more than they did three years ago?" "I think they do, or if not it is more conspicuous to my eyes. I do not say that it need be ignominious. To such a one as was Mr. Palliser it certainly is not so. But it becomes so when a man goes there to get his bread, and has to fight his way as though for bare life. When office first comes, unasked for, almost unexpected, full of the charms which distance lends, it is pleasant enough. The new-comer begins to feel that he too is entitled to rub his shoulders among those who rule the world of Great Britain. But when it has been expected, longed for as I longed for it, asked for by my friends and refused, when all the world comes to know that you are a suitor for that which should come without any suit,--then the pleasantness vanishes." "I thought it was to be your career." "And I hoped so." "What will you do, Phineas? You cannot live without an income." "I must try," he said, laughing. "You will not share with your friend, as a friend should?" "No, Lady Laura. That cannot be done." "I do not see why it cannot. Then you might be independent." "Then I should indeed be dependent." "You are too proud to owe me anything." He wanted to tell her that he was too proud to owe such obligation as she had suggested to any man or any woman; but he hardly knew how to do so, intending as he did to inform her before they returned to the house of his intention to ask Madame Goesler to be his wife. He could discern the difference between enjoying his wife's fortune and taking gifts of money from one who was bound to him by no tie;--but to her in her present mood he could explain no such distinction. On a sudden he rushed at the matter in his mind. It had to be done, and must be done before he brought her back to the house. He was conscious that he had in no degree ill-used her. He had in nothing deceived her. He had kept back from her nothing which the truest friendship had called upon him to reveal to her. And yet he knew that her indignation would rise hot within her at his first word. "Laura," he said, forgetting in his confusion to remember her rank, "I had better tell you at once that I have determined to ask Madame Goesler to be my wife." "Oh, then;--of course your income is certain." "If you choose to regard my conduct in that light I cannot help it. I do not think that I deserve such reproach." "Why not tell it all? You are engaged to her?" "Not so. I have not asked her yet." "And why do you come to me with the story of your intentions,--to me of all persons in the world? I sometimes think that of all the hearts that ever dwelt within a man's bosom yours is the hardest." "For God's sake do not say that of me." "Do you remember when you came to me about Violet,--to me,--to me? I could bear it then because she was good and earnest, and a woman that I could love even though she robbed me. And I strove for you even against my own heart,--against my own brother. I did; I did. But how am I to bear it now? What shall I do now? She is a woman I loathe." "Because you do not know her." "Not know her! And are your eyes so clear at seeing that you must know her better than others? She was the Duke's mistress." "That is untrue, Lady Laura." "But what difference does it make to me? I shall be sure that you will have bread to eat, and horses to ride, and a seat in Parliament without being forced to earn it by your labour. We shall meet no more, of course." "I do not think that you can mean that." "I will never receive that woman, nor will I cross the sill of her door. Why should I?" "Should she become my wife,--that I would have thought might have been the reason why." "Surely, Phineas, no man ever understood a woman so ill as you do." "Because I would fain hope that I need not quarrel with my oldest friend?" "Yes, sir; because you think you can do this without quarrelling. How should I speak to her of you; how listen to what she would tell me? Phineas, you have killed me at last." Why could he not tell her that it was she who had done the wrong when she gave her hand to Robert Kennedy? But he could not tell her, and he was dumb. "And so it's settled!" "No; not settled." "Psha! I hate your mock modesty! It is settled. You have become far too cautious to risk fortune in such an adventure. Practice has taught you to be perfect. It was to tell me this that you came down here." "Partly so." "It would have been more generous of you, sir, to have remained away." "I did not mean to be ungenerous." Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck, and burying her face upon his bosom. They were at the moment in the centre of the park, on the grass beneath the trees, and the moon was bright over their heads. He held her to his breast while she sobbed, and then relaxed his hold as she raised herself to look into his face. After a moment she took his hat from his head with one hand, and with the other swept the hair back from his brow. "Oh, Phineas," she said, "Oh, my darling! My idol that I have worshipped when I should have worshipped my God!" [Illustration: Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck.] After that they roamed for nearly an hour backwards and forwards beneath the trees, till at last she became calm and almost reasonable. She acknowledged that she had long expected such a marriage, looking forward to it as a great sorrow. She repeated over and over again her assertion that she could not "know" Madame Goesler as the wife of Phineas, but abstained from further evil words respecting the lady. "It is better that we should be apart," she said at last. "I feel that it is better. When we are both old, if I should live, we may meet again. I knew that it was coming, and we had better part." And yet they remained out there, wandering about the park for a long portion of the summer night. She did not reproach him again, nor did she speak much of the future; but she alluded to all the incidents of their past life, showing him that nothing which he had done, no words which he had spoken, had been forgotten by her. "Of course it has been my fault," she said, as at last she parted with him in the drawing-room. "When I was younger I did not understand how strong the heart can be. I should have known it, and I pay for my ignorance with the penalty of my whole life." Then he left her, kissing her on both cheeks and on her brow, and went to his bedroom with the understanding that he would start for London on the following morning before she was up. CHAPTER LXXIX. AT LAST--AT LAST. As he took his ticket Phineas sent his message to the Prime Minister, taking that personage literally at his word. The message was, No. When writing it in the office it seemed to him to be uncourteous, but he found it difficult to add any other words that should make it less so. He supplemented it with a letter on his arrival in London, in which he expressed his regret that certain circumstances of his life which had occurred during the last month or two made him unfit to undertake the duties of the very pleasant office to which Mr. Gresham had kindly offered to appoint him. That done, he remained in town but one night, and then set his face again towards Matching. When he reached that place it was already known that he had refused to accept Mr. Gresham's offer, and he was met at once with regrets and condolements. "I am sorry that it must be so," said the Duke,--who was sorry, for he liked the man, but who said not a word more upon the subject. "You are still young, and will have further opportunities," said Lord Cantrip, "but I wish that you could have consented to come back to your old chair." "I hope that at any rate we shall not have you against us," said Sir Harry Coldfoot. Among themselves they declared one to another that he had been so completely upset by his imprisonment and subsequent trial as to be unable to undertake the work proposed to him. "It is not a very nice thing, you know, to be accused of murder," said Sir Gregory, "and to pass a month or two under the full conviction that you are going to be hung. He'll come right again some day. I only hope it may not be too late." "So you have decided for freedom?" said Madame Goesler to him that evening,--the evening of the day on which he had returned. "Yes, indeed." "I have nothing to say against your decision now. No doubt your feelings have prompted you right." "Now that it is done, of course I am full of regrets," said Phineas. "That is simple human nature, I suppose." "Simple enough; and the worst of it is that I cannot quite explain even to myself why I have done it. Every friend I had in the world told me that I was wrong, and yet I could not help myself. The thing was offered to me, not because I was thought to be fit for it, but because I had become wonderful by being brought near to a violent death! I remember once, when I was a child, having a rocking-horse given to me because I had fallen from the top of the house to the bottom without breaking my neck. The rocking-horse was very well then, but I don't care now to have one bestowed upon me for any such reason." "Still, if the rocking-horse is in itself a good rocking-horse--" "But it isn't." "I don't mean to say a word against your decision." "It isn't good. It is one of those toys which look to be so very desirable in the shop-windows, but which give no satisfaction when they are brought home. I'll tell you what occurred the other day. The circumstances happen to be known to me, though I cannot tell you my authority. My dear old friend Laurence Fitzgibbon, in the performance of his official duties, had to give an opinion on a matter affecting an expenditure of some thirty or forty thousand pounds of public money. I don't think that Laurence has generally a very strong bias this way or that on such questions, but in the case in question he took upon himself to be very decided. He wrote, or got some one to write, a report proving that the service of the country imperatively demanded that the money should be spent, and in doing so was strictly within his duty." "I am glad to hear that he can be so energetic." "The Chancellor of the Exchequer got hold of the matter, and told Fitzgibbon that the thing couldn't be done." "That was all right and constitutional, I suppose." "Quite right and constitutional. But something had to be said about it in the House, and Laurence, with all his usual fluency and beautiful Irish brogue, got up and explained that the money would be absolutely thrown away if expended on a purpose so futile as that proposed. I am assured that the great capacity which he has thus shown for official work and official life will cover a multitude of sins." "You would hardly have taken Mr. Fitzgibbon as your model statesman." "Certainly not;--and if the story affected him only it would hardly be worth telling. But the point of it lies in this;--that he disgusted no one by what he did. The Chancellor of the Exchequer thinks him a very convenient man to have about him, and Mr. Gresham feels the comfort of possessing tools so pliable." "Do you think that public life then is altogether a mistake, Mr. Finn?" "For a poor man I think that it is, in this country. A man of fortune may be independent; and because he has the power of independence those who are higher than he will not expect him to be subservient. A man who takes to parliamentary office for a living may live by it, but he will have but a dog's life of it." "If I were you, Mr. Finn, I certainly would not choose a dog's life." He said not a word to her on that occasion about herself, having made up his mind that a certain period of the following day should be chosen for the purpose, and he had hardly yet arranged in his mind what words he would use on that occasion. It seemed to him that there would be so much to be said that he must settle beforehand some order of saying it. It was not as though he had merely to tell her of his love. There had been talk of love between them before, on which occasion he had been compelled to tell her that he could not accept that which she offered to him. It would be impossible, he knew, not to refer to that former conversation. And then he had to tell her that he, now coming to her as a suitor and knowing her to be a very rich woman, was himself all but penniless. He was sure, or almost sure, that she was as well aware of this fact as he was himself; but, nevertheless, it was necessary that he should tell her of it,--and if possible so tell her as to force her to believe him when he assured her that he asked her to be his wife, not because she was rich, but because he loved her. It was impossible that all this should be said as they sat side by side in the drawing-room with a crowd of people almost within hearing, and Madame Goesler had just been called upon to play, which she always did directly she was asked. He was invited to make up a rubber, but he could not bring himself to care for cards at the present moment. So he sat apart and listened to the music. If all things went right with him to-morrow that music,--or the musician who made it,--would be his own for the rest of his life. Was he justified in expecting that she would give him so much? Of her great regard for him as a friend he had no doubt. She had shown it in various ways, and after a fashion that had made it known to all the world. But so had Lady Laura regarded him when he first told her of his love at Loughlinter. She had been his dearest friend, but she had declined to become his wife; and it had been partly so with Violet Effingham, whose friendship to him had been so sweet as to make him for a while almost think that there was more than friendship. Marie Goesler had certainly once loved him;--but so had he once loved Laura Standish. He had been wretched for a while because Lady Laura had refused him. His feelings now were altogether changed, and why should not the feelings of Madame Goesler have undergone a similar change? There was no doubt of her friendship; but then neither was there any doubt of his for Lady Laura. And in spite of her friendship, would not revenge be dear to her,--revenge of that nature which a slighted woman must always desire? He had rejected her, and would it not be fair also that he should be rejected? "I suppose you'll be in your own room before lunch to-morrow," he said to her as they separated for the night. It had come to pass from the constancy of her visits to Matching in the old Duke's time, that a certain small morning-room had been devoted to her, and this was still supposed to be her property,--so that she was not driven to herd with the public or to remain in her bedroom during all the hours of the morning. "Yes," she said; "I shall go out immediately after breakfast, but I shall soon be driven in by the heat, and then I shall be there till lunch. The Duchess always comes about half-past twelve, to complain generally of the guests." She answered him quite at her ease, making arrangement for privacy if he should desire it, but doing so as though she thought that he wanted to talk to her about his trial, or about politics, or the place he had just refused. Surely she would hardly have answered him after such a fashion had she suspected that he intended to ask her to be his wife. At a little before noon the next morning he knocked at her door, and was told to enter. "I didn't go out after all," she said. "I hadn't courage to face the sun." "I saw that you were not in the garden." "If I could have found you I would have told you that I should be here all the morning. I might have sent you a message, only--only I didn't." "I have come--" "I know why you have come." "I doubt that. I have come to tell you that I love you." "Oh Phineas;--at last, at last!" And in a moment she was in his arms. It seemed to him that from that moment all the explanations, and all the statements, and most of the assurances were made by her and not by him. After this first embrace he found himself seated beside her, holding her hand. "I do not know that I am right," said he. "Why not right?" "Because you are rich and I have nothing." "If you ever remind me of that again I will strike you," she said, raising up her little fist and bringing it down with gentle pressure on his shoulder. "Between you and me there must be nothing more about that. It must be an even partnership. There must be ever so much about money, and you'll have to go into dreadful details, and make journeys to Vienna to see that the houses don't tumble down;--but there must be no question between you and me of whence it came." "You will not think that I have to come to you for that?" "Have you ever known me to have a low opinion of myself? Is it probable that I shall account myself to be personally so mean and of so little value as to imagine that you cannot love me? I know you love me. But Phineas, I have not been sure till very lately that you would ever tell me so. As for me--! Oh, heavens! when I think of it." "Tell me that you love me now." "I think I have said so plainly enough. I have never ceased to love you since I first knew you well enough for love. And I'll tell you more,--though perhaps I shall say what you will think condemns me;--you are the only man I ever loved. My husband was very good to me,--and I was, I think, good to him. But he was many years my senior, and I cannot say I loved him,--as I do you." Then she turned to him, and put her head on his shoulder. "And I loved the old Duke, too, after a fashion. But it was a different thing from this. I will tell you something about him some day that I have never yet told to a human being." "Tell me now." "No; not till I am your wife. You must trust me. But I will tell you," she said, "lest you should be miserable. He asked me to be his wife." "The old Duke?" "Yes, indeed, and I refused to be a--duchess. Lady Glencora knew it all, and, just at the time I was breaking my heart,--like a fool, for you! Yes, for you! But I got over it, and am not broken-hearted a bit. Oh, Phineas, I am so happy now." Exactly at the time she had mentioned on the previous evening, at half-past twelve, the door was opened, and the Duchess entered the room. "Oh dear," she exclaimed, "perhaps I am in the way; perhaps I am interrupting secrets." "No, Duchess." "Shall I retire? I will at once if there be anything confidential going on." "It has gone on already, and been completed," said Madame Goesler rising from her seat. "It is only a trifle. Mr. Finn has asked me to be his wife." "Well?" "I couldn't refuse Mr. Finn a little thing like that." "I should think not, after going all the way to Prague to find a latch-key! I congratulate you, Mr. Finn, with all my heart." "Thanks, Duchess." "And when is it to be?" "We have not thought about that yet, Mr. Finn,--have we?" said Madame Goesler. "Adelaide Palliser is going to be married from here some time in the autumn," said the Duchess, "and you two had better take advantage of the occasion." This plan, however, was considered as being too rapid and rash. Marriage is a very serious affair, and many things would require arrangement. A lady with the wealth which belonged to Madame Goesler cannot bestow herself off-hand as may a curate's daughter, let her be ever so willing to give her money as well as herself. It was impossible that a day should be fixed quite at once; but the Duchess was allowed to understand that the affair might be mentioned. Before dinner on that day every one of the guests at Matching Priory knew that the man who had refused to be made Under-Secretary of State had been accepted by that possessor of fabulous wealth who was well known to the world as Madame Goesler of Park Lane. "I am very glad that you did not take office under Mr. Gresham," she said to him when they first met each other again in London. "Of course when I was advising you I could not be sure that this would happen. Now you can bide your time, and if the opportunity offers you can go to work under better auspices." CHAPTER LXXX. CONCLUSION. There remains to us the very easy task of collecting together the ends of the thread of our narrative, and tying them into a simple knot, so that there may be no unravelling. Of Mr. Emilius it has been already said that his good fortune clung to him so far that it was found impossible to connect him with the tragedy of Bolton Row. But he was made to vanish for a certain number of years from the world, and dear little Lizzie Eustace was left a free woman. When last we heard of her she was at Naples, and there was then a rumour that she was about to join her fate to that of Lord George de Bruce Carruthers, with whom pecuniary matters had lately not been going comfortably. Let us hope that the match, should it be a match, may lead to the happiness and respectability of both of them. As all the world knows, Lord and Lady Chiltern still live at Harrington Hall, and he has been considered to do very well with the Brake country. He still grumbles about Trumpeton Wood, and says that it will take a lifetime to repair the injuries done by Mr. Fothergill;--but then who ever knew a Master of Hounds who wasn't ill-treated by the owners of coverts? Of Mr. Tom Spooner it can only be said that he is still a bachelor, living with his cousin Ned, and that none of the neighbours expect to see a lady at Spoon Hall. In one winter, after the period of his misfortune, he became slack about his hunting, and there were rumours that he was carrying out that terrible threat of his as to the crusade which he would go to find a cure for his love. But his cousin took him in hand somewhat sharply, made him travel abroad during the summer, and brought him out the next season, "as fresh as paint," as the members of the Brake Hunt declared. It was known to every sportsman in the country that poor Mr. Spooner had been in love; but the affair was allowed to be a mystery, and no one ever spoke to Spooner himself upon the subject. It is probable that he now reaps no slight amount of gratification from his memory of the romance. The marriage between Gerard Maule and Adelaide Palliser was celebrated with great glory at Matching, and was mentioned in all the leading papers as an alliance in high life. When it became known to Mr. Maule, Senior, that this would be so, and that the lady would have a very considerable fortune from the old Duke, he reconciled himself to the marriage altogether, and at once gave way in that matter of Maule Abbey. Nothing he thought would be more suitable than that the young people should live at the old family place. So Maule Abbey was fitted up, and Mr. and Mrs. Maule have taken up their residence there. Under the influence of his wife he has promised to attend to his farming, and proposes to do no more than go out and see the hounds when they come into his neighbourhood. Let us hope that he may prosper. Should the farming come to a good end more will probably have been due to his wife's enterprise than to his own. The energetic father is, as all the world knows, now in pursuit of a widow with three thousand a year who has lately come out in Cavendish Square. Of poor Lord Fawn no good account can be given. To his thinking, official life had none of those drawbacks with which the fantastic feelings of Phineas Finn had invested it. He could have been happy for ever at the India Board or at the Colonial Office;--but his life was made a burden to him by the affair of the Bonteen murder. He was charged with having nearly led | aside | How many times the word 'aside' appears in the text? | 0 |
won't drink any wine we might as well go into the other room." Nothing had as yet been said on either of the subjects which had brought him to Saulsby, but there had been words which made the introduction of them peculiarly unpleasant. His tidings, however, must be told. "I shall not see Lord Brentford to-night?" he asked, when they were together in the drawing-room. "If you wish it you can go up to him. He will not come down." "Oh, no. It is only because I must return to-morrow." "To-morrow, Phineas!" "I must do so. I have pledged myself to see Mr. Monk,--and others also." "It is a short visit to make to us on my first return home! I hardly expected you at Loughlinter, but I thought that you might have remained a few nights under my father's roof." He could only reassert his assurance that he was bound to be back in London, and explain as best he might that he had come to Saulsby for a single night, only because he would not refuse her request to him. "I will not trouble you, Phineas, by complaints," she said. "I would give you no cause for complaint if I could avoid it." "And now tell me what has passed between you and Mr. Gresham," she said as soon as the servant had given them coffee. They were sitting by a window which opened down to the ground, and led on to the terrace and to the lawns below. The night was soft, and the air was heavy with the scent of many flowers. It was now past nine, and the sun had set; but there was a bright harvest moon, and the light, though pale, was clear as that of day. "Will you come and take a turn round the garden? We shall be better there than sitting here. I will get my hat; can I find yours for you?" So they both strolled out, down the terrace steps, and went forth, beyond the gardens, into the park, as though they had both intended from the first that it should be so. "I know you have not accepted Mr. Gresham's offer, or you would have told me so." "I have not accepted." "Nor have you refused?" "No; it is still open. I must send my answer by telegram to-morrow--Yes or No,--Mr. Gresham's time is too precious to admit of more." "Phineas, for Heaven's sake do not allow little feelings to injure you at such a time as this. It is of your own career, not of Mr. Gresham's manners, that you should think." "I have nothing to object to in Mr. Gresham. Yes or No will be quite sufficient." "It must be Yes." "It cannot be Yes, Lady Laura. That which I desired so ardently six months ago has now become so distasteful to me that I cannot accept it. There is an amount of hustling on the Treasury Bench which makes a seat there almost ignominious." "Do they hustle more than they did three years ago?" "I think they do, or if not it is more conspicuous to my eyes. I do not say that it need be ignominious. To such a one as was Mr. Palliser it certainly is not so. But it becomes so when a man goes there to get his bread, and has to fight his way as though for bare life. When office first comes, unasked for, almost unexpected, full of the charms which distance lends, it is pleasant enough. The new-comer begins to feel that he too is entitled to rub his shoulders among those who rule the world of Great Britain. But when it has been expected, longed for as I longed for it, asked for by my friends and refused, when all the world comes to know that you are a suitor for that which should come without any suit,--then the pleasantness vanishes." "I thought it was to be your career." "And I hoped so." "What will you do, Phineas? You cannot live without an income." "I must try," he said, laughing. "You will not share with your friend, as a friend should?" "No, Lady Laura. That cannot be done." "I do not see why it cannot. Then you might be independent." "Then I should indeed be dependent." "You are too proud to owe me anything." He wanted to tell her that he was too proud to owe such obligation as she had suggested to any man or any woman; but he hardly knew how to do so, intending as he did to inform her before they returned to the house of his intention to ask Madame Goesler to be his wife. He could discern the difference between enjoying his wife's fortune and taking gifts of money from one who was bound to him by no tie;--but to her in her present mood he could explain no such distinction. On a sudden he rushed at the matter in his mind. It had to be done, and must be done before he brought her back to the house. He was conscious that he had in no degree ill-used her. He had in nothing deceived her. He had kept back from her nothing which the truest friendship had called upon him to reveal to her. And yet he knew that her indignation would rise hot within her at his first word. "Laura," he said, forgetting in his confusion to remember her rank, "I had better tell you at once that I have determined to ask Madame Goesler to be my wife." "Oh, then;--of course your income is certain." "If you choose to regard my conduct in that light I cannot help it. I do not think that I deserve such reproach." "Why not tell it all? You are engaged to her?" "Not so. I have not asked her yet." "And why do you come to me with the story of your intentions,--to me of all persons in the world? I sometimes think that of all the hearts that ever dwelt within a man's bosom yours is the hardest." "For God's sake do not say that of me." "Do you remember when you came to me about Violet,--to me,--to me? I could bear it then because she was good and earnest, and a woman that I could love even though she robbed me. And I strove for you even against my own heart,--against my own brother. I did; I did. But how am I to bear it now? What shall I do now? She is a woman I loathe." "Because you do not know her." "Not know her! And are your eyes so clear at seeing that you must know her better than others? She was the Duke's mistress." "That is untrue, Lady Laura." "But what difference does it make to me? I shall be sure that you will have bread to eat, and horses to ride, and a seat in Parliament without being forced to earn it by your labour. We shall meet no more, of course." "I do not think that you can mean that." "I will never receive that woman, nor will I cross the sill of her door. Why should I?" "Should she become my wife,--that I would have thought might have been the reason why." "Surely, Phineas, no man ever understood a woman so ill as you do." "Because I would fain hope that I need not quarrel with my oldest friend?" "Yes, sir; because you think you can do this without quarrelling. How should I speak to her of you; how listen to what she would tell me? Phineas, you have killed me at last." Why could he not tell her that it was she who had done the wrong when she gave her hand to Robert Kennedy? But he could not tell her, and he was dumb. "And so it's settled!" "No; not settled." "Psha! I hate your mock modesty! It is settled. You have become far too cautious to risk fortune in such an adventure. Practice has taught you to be perfect. It was to tell me this that you came down here." "Partly so." "It would have been more generous of you, sir, to have remained away." "I did not mean to be ungenerous." Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck, and burying her face upon his bosom. They were at the moment in the centre of the park, on the grass beneath the trees, and the moon was bright over their heads. He held her to his breast while she sobbed, and then relaxed his hold as she raised herself to look into his face. After a moment she took his hat from his head with one hand, and with the other swept the hair back from his brow. "Oh, Phineas," she said, "Oh, my darling! My idol that I have worshipped when I should have worshipped my God!" [Illustration: Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck.] After that they roamed for nearly an hour backwards and forwards beneath the trees, till at last she became calm and almost reasonable. She acknowledged that she had long expected such a marriage, looking forward to it as a great sorrow. She repeated over and over again her assertion that she could not "know" Madame Goesler as the wife of Phineas, but abstained from further evil words respecting the lady. "It is better that we should be apart," she said at last. "I feel that it is better. When we are both old, if I should live, we may meet again. I knew that it was coming, and we had better part." And yet they remained out there, wandering about the park for a long portion of the summer night. She did not reproach him again, nor did she speak much of the future; but she alluded to all the incidents of their past life, showing him that nothing which he had done, no words which he had spoken, had been forgotten by her. "Of course it has been my fault," she said, as at last she parted with him in the drawing-room. "When I was younger I did not understand how strong the heart can be. I should have known it, and I pay for my ignorance with the penalty of my whole life." Then he left her, kissing her on both cheeks and on her brow, and went to his bedroom with the understanding that he would start for London on the following morning before she was up. CHAPTER LXXIX. AT LAST--AT LAST. As he took his ticket Phineas sent his message to the Prime Minister, taking that personage literally at his word. The message was, No. When writing it in the office it seemed to him to be uncourteous, but he found it difficult to add any other words that should make it less so. He supplemented it with a letter on his arrival in London, in which he expressed his regret that certain circumstances of his life which had occurred during the last month or two made him unfit to undertake the duties of the very pleasant office to which Mr. Gresham had kindly offered to appoint him. That done, he remained in town but one night, and then set his face again towards Matching. When he reached that place it was already known that he had refused to accept Mr. Gresham's offer, and he was met at once with regrets and condolements. "I am sorry that it must be so," said the Duke,--who was sorry, for he liked the man, but who said not a word more upon the subject. "You are still young, and will have further opportunities," said Lord Cantrip, "but I wish that you could have consented to come back to your old chair." "I hope that at any rate we shall not have you against us," said Sir Harry Coldfoot. Among themselves they declared one to another that he had been so completely upset by his imprisonment and subsequent trial as to be unable to undertake the work proposed to him. "It is not a very nice thing, you know, to be accused of murder," said Sir Gregory, "and to pass a month or two under the full conviction that you are going to be hung. He'll come right again some day. I only hope it may not be too late." "So you have decided for freedom?" said Madame Goesler to him that evening,--the evening of the day on which he had returned. "Yes, indeed." "I have nothing to say against your decision now. No doubt your feelings have prompted you right." "Now that it is done, of course I am full of regrets," said Phineas. "That is simple human nature, I suppose." "Simple enough; and the worst of it is that I cannot quite explain even to myself why I have done it. Every friend I had in the world told me that I was wrong, and yet I could not help myself. The thing was offered to me, not because I was thought to be fit for it, but because I had become wonderful by being brought near to a violent death! I remember once, when I was a child, having a rocking-horse given to me because I had fallen from the top of the house to the bottom without breaking my neck. The rocking-horse was very well then, but I don't care now to have one bestowed upon me for any such reason." "Still, if the rocking-horse is in itself a good rocking-horse--" "But it isn't." "I don't mean to say a word against your decision." "It isn't good. It is one of those toys which look to be so very desirable in the shop-windows, but which give no satisfaction when they are brought home. I'll tell you what occurred the other day. The circumstances happen to be known to me, though I cannot tell you my authority. My dear old friend Laurence Fitzgibbon, in the performance of his official duties, had to give an opinion on a matter affecting an expenditure of some thirty or forty thousand pounds of public money. I don't think that Laurence has generally a very strong bias this way or that on such questions, but in the case in question he took upon himself to be very decided. He wrote, or got some one to write, a report proving that the service of the country imperatively demanded that the money should be spent, and in doing so was strictly within his duty." "I am glad to hear that he can be so energetic." "The Chancellor of the Exchequer got hold of the matter, and told Fitzgibbon that the thing couldn't be done." "That was all right and constitutional, I suppose." "Quite right and constitutional. But something had to be said about it in the House, and Laurence, with all his usual fluency and beautiful Irish brogue, got up and explained that the money would be absolutely thrown away if expended on a purpose so futile as that proposed. I am assured that the great capacity which he has thus shown for official work and official life will cover a multitude of sins." "You would hardly have taken Mr. Fitzgibbon as your model statesman." "Certainly not;--and if the story affected him only it would hardly be worth telling. But the point of it lies in this;--that he disgusted no one by what he did. The Chancellor of the Exchequer thinks him a very convenient man to have about him, and Mr. Gresham feels the comfort of possessing tools so pliable." "Do you think that public life then is altogether a mistake, Mr. Finn?" "For a poor man I think that it is, in this country. A man of fortune may be independent; and because he has the power of independence those who are higher than he will not expect him to be subservient. A man who takes to parliamentary office for a living may live by it, but he will have but a dog's life of it." "If I were you, Mr. Finn, I certainly would not choose a dog's life." He said not a word to her on that occasion about herself, having made up his mind that a certain period of the following day should be chosen for the purpose, and he had hardly yet arranged in his mind what words he would use on that occasion. It seemed to him that there would be so much to be said that he must settle beforehand some order of saying it. It was not as though he had merely to tell her of his love. There had been talk of love between them before, on which occasion he had been compelled to tell her that he could not accept that which she offered to him. It would be impossible, he knew, not to refer to that former conversation. And then he had to tell her that he, now coming to her as a suitor and knowing her to be a very rich woman, was himself all but penniless. He was sure, or almost sure, that she was as well aware of this fact as he was himself; but, nevertheless, it was necessary that he should tell her of it,--and if possible so tell her as to force her to believe him when he assured her that he asked her to be his wife, not because she was rich, but because he loved her. It was impossible that all this should be said as they sat side by side in the drawing-room with a crowd of people almost within hearing, and Madame Goesler had just been called upon to play, which she always did directly she was asked. He was invited to make up a rubber, but he could not bring himself to care for cards at the present moment. So he sat apart and listened to the music. If all things went right with him to-morrow that music,--or the musician who made it,--would be his own for the rest of his life. Was he justified in expecting that she would give him so much? Of her great regard for him as a friend he had no doubt. She had shown it in various ways, and after a fashion that had made it known to all the world. But so had Lady Laura regarded him when he first told her of his love at Loughlinter. She had been his dearest friend, but she had declined to become his wife; and it had been partly so with Violet Effingham, whose friendship to him had been so sweet as to make him for a while almost think that there was more than friendship. Marie Goesler had certainly once loved him;--but so had he once loved Laura Standish. He had been wretched for a while because Lady Laura had refused him. His feelings now were altogether changed, and why should not the feelings of Madame Goesler have undergone a similar change? There was no doubt of her friendship; but then neither was there any doubt of his for Lady Laura. And in spite of her friendship, would not revenge be dear to her,--revenge of that nature which a slighted woman must always desire? He had rejected her, and would it not be fair also that he should be rejected? "I suppose you'll be in your own room before lunch to-morrow," he said to her as they separated for the night. It had come to pass from the constancy of her visits to Matching in the old Duke's time, that a certain small morning-room had been devoted to her, and this was still supposed to be her property,--so that she was not driven to herd with the public or to remain in her bedroom during all the hours of the morning. "Yes," she said; "I shall go out immediately after breakfast, but I shall soon be driven in by the heat, and then I shall be there till lunch. The Duchess always comes about half-past twelve, to complain generally of the guests." She answered him quite at her ease, making arrangement for privacy if he should desire it, but doing so as though she thought that he wanted to talk to her about his trial, or about politics, or the place he had just refused. Surely she would hardly have answered him after such a fashion had she suspected that he intended to ask her to be his wife. At a little before noon the next morning he knocked at her door, and was told to enter. "I didn't go out after all," she said. "I hadn't courage to face the sun." "I saw that you were not in the garden." "If I could have found you I would have told you that I should be here all the morning. I might have sent you a message, only--only I didn't." "I have come--" "I know why you have come." "I doubt that. I have come to tell you that I love you." "Oh Phineas;--at last, at last!" And in a moment she was in his arms. It seemed to him that from that moment all the explanations, and all the statements, and most of the assurances were made by her and not by him. After this first embrace he found himself seated beside her, holding her hand. "I do not know that I am right," said he. "Why not right?" "Because you are rich and I have nothing." "If you ever remind me of that again I will strike you," she said, raising up her little fist and bringing it down with gentle pressure on his shoulder. "Between you and me there must be nothing more about that. It must be an even partnership. There must be ever so much about money, and you'll have to go into dreadful details, and make journeys to Vienna to see that the houses don't tumble down;--but there must be no question between you and me of whence it came." "You will not think that I have to come to you for that?" "Have you ever known me to have a low opinion of myself? Is it probable that I shall account myself to be personally so mean and of so little value as to imagine that you cannot love me? I know you love me. But Phineas, I have not been sure till very lately that you would ever tell me so. As for me--! Oh, heavens! when I think of it." "Tell me that you love me now." "I think I have said so plainly enough. I have never ceased to love you since I first knew you well enough for love. And I'll tell you more,--though perhaps I shall say what you will think condemns me;--you are the only man I ever loved. My husband was very good to me,--and I was, I think, good to him. But he was many years my senior, and I cannot say I loved him,--as I do you." Then she turned to him, and put her head on his shoulder. "And I loved the old Duke, too, after a fashion. But it was a different thing from this. I will tell you something about him some day that I have never yet told to a human being." "Tell me now." "No; not till I am your wife. You must trust me. But I will tell you," she said, "lest you should be miserable. He asked me to be his wife." "The old Duke?" "Yes, indeed, and I refused to be a--duchess. Lady Glencora knew it all, and, just at the time I was breaking my heart,--like a fool, for you! Yes, for you! But I got over it, and am not broken-hearted a bit. Oh, Phineas, I am so happy now." Exactly at the time she had mentioned on the previous evening, at half-past twelve, the door was opened, and the Duchess entered the room. "Oh dear," she exclaimed, "perhaps I am in the way; perhaps I am interrupting secrets." "No, Duchess." "Shall I retire? I will at once if there be anything confidential going on." "It has gone on already, and been completed," said Madame Goesler rising from her seat. "It is only a trifle. Mr. Finn has asked me to be his wife." "Well?" "I couldn't refuse Mr. Finn a little thing like that." "I should think not, after going all the way to Prague to find a latch-key! I congratulate you, Mr. Finn, with all my heart." "Thanks, Duchess." "And when is it to be?" "We have not thought about that yet, Mr. Finn,--have we?" said Madame Goesler. "Adelaide Palliser is going to be married from here some time in the autumn," said the Duchess, "and you two had better take advantage of the occasion." This plan, however, was considered as being too rapid and rash. Marriage is a very serious affair, and many things would require arrangement. A lady with the wealth which belonged to Madame Goesler cannot bestow herself off-hand as may a curate's daughter, let her be ever so willing to give her money as well as herself. It was impossible that a day should be fixed quite at once; but the Duchess was allowed to understand that the affair might be mentioned. Before dinner on that day every one of the guests at Matching Priory knew that the man who had refused to be made Under-Secretary of State had been accepted by that possessor of fabulous wealth who was well known to the world as Madame Goesler of Park Lane. "I am very glad that you did not take office under Mr. Gresham," she said to him when they first met each other again in London. "Of course when I was advising you I could not be sure that this would happen. Now you can bide your time, and if the opportunity offers you can go to work under better auspices." CHAPTER LXXX. CONCLUSION. There remains to us the very easy task of collecting together the ends of the thread of our narrative, and tying them into a simple knot, so that there may be no unravelling. Of Mr. Emilius it has been already said that his good fortune clung to him so far that it was found impossible to connect him with the tragedy of Bolton Row. But he was made to vanish for a certain number of years from the world, and dear little Lizzie Eustace was left a free woman. When last we heard of her she was at Naples, and there was then a rumour that she was about to join her fate to that of Lord George de Bruce Carruthers, with whom pecuniary matters had lately not been going comfortably. Let us hope that the match, should it be a match, may lead to the happiness and respectability of both of them. As all the world knows, Lord and Lady Chiltern still live at Harrington Hall, and he has been considered to do very well with the Brake country. He still grumbles about Trumpeton Wood, and says that it will take a lifetime to repair the injuries done by Mr. Fothergill;--but then who ever knew a Master of Hounds who wasn't ill-treated by the owners of coverts? Of Mr. Tom Spooner it can only be said that he is still a bachelor, living with his cousin Ned, and that none of the neighbours expect to see a lady at Spoon Hall. In one winter, after the period of his misfortune, he became slack about his hunting, and there were rumours that he was carrying out that terrible threat of his as to the crusade which he would go to find a cure for his love. But his cousin took him in hand somewhat sharply, made him travel abroad during the summer, and brought him out the next season, "as fresh as paint," as the members of the Brake Hunt declared. It was known to every sportsman in the country that poor Mr. Spooner had been in love; but the affair was allowed to be a mystery, and no one ever spoke to Spooner himself upon the subject. It is probable that he now reaps no slight amount of gratification from his memory of the romance. The marriage between Gerard Maule and Adelaide Palliser was celebrated with great glory at Matching, and was mentioned in all the leading papers as an alliance in high life. When it became known to Mr. Maule, Senior, that this would be so, and that the lady would have a very considerable fortune from the old Duke, he reconciled himself to the marriage altogether, and at once gave way in that matter of Maule Abbey. Nothing he thought would be more suitable than that the young people should live at the old family place. So Maule Abbey was fitted up, and Mr. and Mrs. Maule have taken up their residence there. Under the influence of his wife he has promised to attend to his farming, and proposes to do no more than go out and see the hounds when they come into his neighbourhood. Let us hope that he may prosper. Should the farming come to a good end more will probably have been due to his wife's enterprise than to his own. The energetic father is, as all the world knows, now in pursuit of a widow with three thousand a year who has lately come out in Cavendish Square. Of poor Lord Fawn no good account can be given. To his thinking, official life had none of those drawbacks with which the fantastic feelings of Phineas Finn had invested it. He could have been happy for ever at the India Board or at the Colonial Office;--but his life was made a burden to him by the affair of the Bonteen murder. He was charged with having nearly led | up | How many times the word 'up' appears in the text? | 2 |
won't drink any wine we might as well go into the other room." Nothing had as yet been said on either of the subjects which had brought him to Saulsby, but there had been words which made the introduction of them peculiarly unpleasant. His tidings, however, must be told. "I shall not see Lord Brentford to-night?" he asked, when they were together in the drawing-room. "If you wish it you can go up to him. He will not come down." "Oh, no. It is only because I must return to-morrow." "To-morrow, Phineas!" "I must do so. I have pledged myself to see Mr. Monk,--and others also." "It is a short visit to make to us on my first return home! I hardly expected you at Loughlinter, but I thought that you might have remained a few nights under my father's roof." He could only reassert his assurance that he was bound to be back in London, and explain as best he might that he had come to Saulsby for a single night, only because he would not refuse her request to him. "I will not trouble you, Phineas, by complaints," she said. "I would give you no cause for complaint if I could avoid it." "And now tell me what has passed between you and Mr. Gresham," she said as soon as the servant had given them coffee. They were sitting by a window which opened down to the ground, and led on to the terrace and to the lawns below. The night was soft, and the air was heavy with the scent of many flowers. It was now past nine, and the sun had set; but there was a bright harvest moon, and the light, though pale, was clear as that of day. "Will you come and take a turn round the garden? We shall be better there than sitting here. I will get my hat; can I find yours for you?" So they both strolled out, down the terrace steps, and went forth, beyond the gardens, into the park, as though they had both intended from the first that it should be so. "I know you have not accepted Mr. Gresham's offer, or you would have told me so." "I have not accepted." "Nor have you refused?" "No; it is still open. I must send my answer by telegram to-morrow--Yes or No,--Mr. Gresham's time is too precious to admit of more." "Phineas, for Heaven's sake do not allow little feelings to injure you at such a time as this. It is of your own career, not of Mr. Gresham's manners, that you should think." "I have nothing to object to in Mr. Gresham. Yes or No will be quite sufficient." "It must be Yes." "It cannot be Yes, Lady Laura. That which I desired so ardently six months ago has now become so distasteful to me that I cannot accept it. There is an amount of hustling on the Treasury Bench which makes a seat there almost ignominious." "Do they hustle more than they did three years ago?" "I think they do, or if not it is more conspicuous to my eyes. I do not say that it need be ignominious. To such a one as was Mr. Palliser it certainly is not so. But it becomes so when a man goes there to get his bread, and has to fight his way as though for bare life. When office first comes, unasked for, almost unexpected, full of the charms which distance lends, it is pleasant enough. The new-comer begins to feel that he too is entitled to rub his shoulders among those who rule the world of Great Britain. But when it has been expected, longed for as I longed for it, asked for by my friends and refused, when all the world comes to know that you are a suitor for that which should come without any suit,--then the pleasantness vanishes." "I thought it was to be your career." "And I hoped so." "What will you do, Phineas? You cannot live without an income." "I must try," he said, laughing. "You will not share with your friend, as a friend should?" "No, Lady Laura. That cannot be done." "I do not see why it cannot. Then you might be independent." "Then I should indeed be dependent." "You are too proud to owe me anything." He wanted to tell her that he was too proud to owe such obligation as she had suggested to any man or any woman; but he hardly knew how to do so, intending as he did to inform her before they returned to the house of his intention to ask Madame Goesler to be his wife. He could discern the difference between enjoying his wife's fortune and taking gifts of money from one who was bound to him by no tie;--but to her in her present mood he could explain no such distinction. On a sudden he rushed at the matter in his mind. It had to be done, and must be done before he brought her back to the house. He was conscious that he had in no degree ill-used her. He had in nothing deceived her. He had kept back from her nothing which the truest friendship had called upon him to reveal to her. And yet he knew that her indignation would rise hot within her at his first word. "Laura," he said, forgetting in his confusion to remember her rank, "I had better tell you at once that I have determined to ask Madame Goesler to be my wife." "Oh, then;--of course your income is certain." "If you choose to regard my conduct in that light I cannot help it. I do not think that I deserve such reproach." "Why not tell it all? You are engaged to her?" "Not so. I have not asked her yet." "And why do you come to me with the story of your intentions,--to me of all persons in the world? I sometimes think that of all the hearts that ever dwelt within a man's bosom yours is the hardest." "For God's sake do not say that of me." "Do you remember when you came to me about Violet,--to me,--to me? I could bear it then because she was good and earnest, and a woman that I could love even though she robbed me. And I strove for you even against my own heart,--against my own brother. I did; I did. But how am I to bear it now? What shall I do now? She is a woman I loathe." "Because you do not know her." "Not know her! And are your eyes so clear at seeing that you must know her better than others? She was the Duke's mistress." "That is untrue, Lady Laura." "But what difference does it make to me? I shall be sure that you will have bread to eat, and horses to ride, and a seat in Parliament without being forced to earn it by your labour. We shall meet no more, of course." "I do not think that you can mean that." "I will never receive that woman, nor will I cross the sill of her door. Why should I?" "Should she become my wife,--that I would have thought might have been the reason why." "Surely, Phineas, no man ever understood a woman so ill as you do." "Because I would fain hope that I need not quarrel with my oldest friend?" "Yes, sir; because you think you can do this without quarrelling. How should I speak to her of you; how listen to what she would tell me? Phineas, you have killed me at last." Why could he not tell her that it was she who had done the wrong when she gave her hand to Robert Kennedy? But he could not tell her, and he was dumb. "And so it's settled!" "No; not settled." "Psha! I hate your mock modesty! It is settled. You have become far too cautious to risk fortune in such an adventure. Practice has taught you to be perfect. It was to tell me this that you came down here." "Partly so." "It would have been more generous of you, sir, to have remained away." "I did not mean to be ungenerous." Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck, and burying her face upon his bosom. They were at the moment in the centre of the park, on the grass beneath the trees, and the moon was bright over their heads. He held her to his breast while she sobbed, and then relaxed his hold as she raised herself to look into his face. After a moment she took his hat from his head with one hand, and with the other swept the hair back from his brow. "Oh, Phineas," she said, "Oh, my darling! My idol that I have worshipped when I should have worshipped my God!" [Illustration: Then she suddenly turned upon him, throwing her arms round his neck.] After that they roamed for nearly an hour backwards and forwards beneath the trees, till at last she became calm and almost reasonable. She acknowledged that she had long expected such a marriage, looking forward to it as a great sorrow. She repeated over and over again her assertion that she could not "know" Madame Goesler as the wife of Phineas, but abstained from further evil words respecting the lady. "It is better that we should be apart," she said at last. "I feel that it is better. When we are both old, if I should live, we may meet again. I knew that it was coming, and we had better part." And yet they remained out there, wandering about the park for a long portion of the summer night. She did not reproach him again, nor did she speak much of the future; but she alluded to all the incidents of their past life, showing him that nothing which he had done, no words which he had spoken, had been forgotten by her. "Of course it has been my fault," she said, as at last she parted with him in the drawing-room. "When I was younger I did not understand how strong the heart can be. I should have known it, and I pay for my ignorance with the penalty of my whole life." Then he left her, kissing her on both cheeks and on her brow, and went to his bedroom with the understanding that he would start for London on the following morning before she was up. CHAPTER LXXIX. AT LAST--AT LAST. As he took his ticket Phineas sent his message to the Prime Minister, taking that personage literally at his word. The message was, No. When writing it in the office it seemed to him to be uncourteous, but he found it difficult to add any other words that should make it less so. He supplemented it with a letter on his arrival in London, in which he expressed his regret that certain circumstances of his life which had occurred during the last month or two made him unfit to undertake the duties of the very pleasant office to which Mr. Gresham had kindly offered to appoint him. That done, he remained in town but one night, and then set his face again towards Matching. When he reached that place it was already known that he had refused to accept Mr. Gresham's offer, and he was met at once with regrets and condolements. "I am sorry that it must be so," said the Duke,--who was sorry, for he liked the man, but who said not a word more upon the subject. "You are still young, and will have further opportunities," said Lord Cantrip, "but I wish that you could have consented to come back to your old chair." "I hope that at any rate we shall not have you against us," said Sir Harry Coldfoot. Among themselves they declared one to another that he had been so completely upset by his imprisonment and subsequent trial as to be unable to undertake the work proposed to him. "It is not a very nice thing, you know, to be accused of murder," said Sir Gregory, "and to pass a month or two under the full conviction that you are going to be hung. He'll come right again some day. I only hope it may not be too late." "So you have decided for freedom?" said Madame Goesler to him that evening,--the evening of the day on which he had returned. "Yes, indeed." "I have nothing to say against your decision now. No doubt your feelings have prompted you right." "Now that it is done, of course I am full of regrets," said Phineas. "That is simple human nature, I suppose." "Simple enough; and the worst of it is that I cannot quite explain even to myself why I have done it. Every friend I had in the world told me that I was wrong, and yet I could not help myself. The thing was offered to me, not because I was thought to be fit for it, but because I had become wonderful by being brought near to a violent death! I remember once, when I was a child, having a rocking-horse given to me because I had fallen from the top of the house to the bottom without breaking my neck. The rocking-horse was very well then, but I don't care now to have one bestowed upon me for any such reason." "Still, if the rocking-horse is in itself a good rocking-horse--" "But it isn't." "I don't mean to say a word against your decision." "It isn't good. It is one of those toys which look to be so very desirable in the shop-windows, but which give no satisfaction when they are brought home. I'll tell you what occurred the other day. The circumstances happen to be known to me, though I cannot tell you my authority. My dear old friend Laurence Fitzgibbon, in the performance of his official duties, had to give an opinion on a matter affecting an expenditure of some thirty or forty thousand pounds of public money. I don't think that Laurence has generally a very strong bias this way or that on such questions, but in the case in question he took upon himself to be very decided. He wrote, or got some one to write, a report proving that the service of the country imperatively demanded that the money should be spent, and in doing so was strictly within his duty." "I am glad to hear that he can be so energetic." "The Chancellor of the Exchequer got hold of the matter, and told Fitzgibbon that the thing couldn't be done." "That was all right and constitutional, I suppose." "Quite right and constitutional. But something had to be said about it in the House, and Laurence, with all his usual fluency and beautiful Irish brogue, got up and explained that the money would be absolutely thrown away if expended on a purpose so futile as that proposed. I am assured that the great capacity which he has thus shown for official work and official life will cover a multitude of sins." "You would hardly have taken Mr. Fitzgibbon as your model statesman." "Certainly not;--and if the story affected him only it would hardly be worth telling. But the point of it lies in this;--that he disgusted no one by what he did. The Chancellor of the Exchequer thinks him a very convenient man to have about him, and Mr. Gresham feels the comfort of possessing tools so pliable." "Do you think that public life then is altogether a mistake, Mr. Finn?" "For a poor man I think that it is, in this country. A man of fortune may be independent; and because he has the power of independence those who are higher than he will not expect him to be subservient. A man who takes to parliamentary office for a living may live by it, but he will have but a dog's life of it." "If I were you, Mr. Finn, I certainly would not choose a dog's life." He said not a word to her on that occasion about herself, having made up his mind that a certain period of the following day should be chosen for the purpose, and he had hardly yet arranged in his mind what words he would use on that occasion. It seemed to him that there would be so much to be said that he must settle beforehand some order of saying it. It was not as though he had merely to tell her of his love. There had been talk of love between them before, on which occasion he had been compelled to tell her that he could not accept that which she offered to him. It would be impossible, he knew, not to refer to that former conversation. And then he had to tell her that he, now coming to her as a suitor and knowing her to be a very rich woman, was himself all but penniless. He was sure, or almost sure, that she was as well aware of this fact as he was himself; but, nevertheless, it was necessary that he should tell her of it,--and if possible so tell her as to force her to believe him when he assured her that he asked her to be his wife, not because she was rich, but because he loved her. It was impossible that all this should be said as they sat side by side in the drawing-room with a crowd of people almost within hearing, and Madame Goesler had just been called upon to play, which she always did directly she was asked. He was invited to make up a rubber, but he could not bring himself to care for cards at the present moment. So he sat apart and listened to the music. If all things went right with him to-morrow that music,--or the musician who made it,--would be his own for the rest of his life. Was he justified in expecting that she would give him so much? Of her great regard for him as a friend he had no doubt. She had shown it in various ways, and after a fashion that had made it known to all the world. But so had Lady Laura regarded him when he first told her of his love at Loughlinter. She had been his dearest friend, but she had declined to become his wife; and it had been partly so with Violet Effingham, whose friendship to him had been so sweet as to make him for a while almost think that there was more than friendship. Marie Goesler had certainly once loved him;--but so had he once loved Laura Standish. He had been wretched for a while because Lady Laura had refused him. His feelings now were altogether changed, and why should not the feelings of Madame Goesler have undergone a similar change? There was no doubt of her friendship; but then neither was there any doubt of his for Lady Laura. And in spite of her friendship, would not revenge be dear to her,--revenge of that nature which a slighted woman must always desire? He had rejected her, and would it not be fair also that he should be rejected? "I suppose you'll be in your own room before lunch to-morrow," he said to her as they separated for the night. It had come to pass from the constancy of her visits to Matching in the old Duke's time, that a certain small morning-room had been devoted to her, and this was still supposed to be her property,--so that she was not driven to herd with the public or to remain in her bedroom during all the hours of the morning. "Yes," she said; "I shall go out immediately after breakfast, but I shall soon be driven in by the heat, and then I shall be there till lunch. The Duchess always comes about half-past twelve, to complain generally of the guests." She answered him quite at her ease, making arrangement for privacy if he should desire it, but doing so as though she thought that he wanted to talk to her about his trial, or about politics, or the place he had just refused. Surely she would hardly have answered him after such a fashion had she suspected that he intended to ask her to be his wife. At a little before noon the next morning he knocked at her door, and was told to enter. "I didn't go out after all," she said. "I hadn't courage to face the sun." "I saw that you were not in the garden." "If I could have found you I would have told you that I should be here all the morning. I might have sent you a message, only--only I didn't." "I have come--" "I know why you have come." "I doubt that. I have come to tell you that I love you." "Oh Phineas;--at last, at last!" And in a moment she was in his arms. It seemed to him that from that moment all the explanations, and all the statements, and most of the assurances were made by her and not by him. After this first embrace he found himself seated beside her, holding her hand. "I do not know that I am right," said he. "Why not right?" "Because you are rich and I have nothing." "If you ever remind me of that again I will strike you," she said, raising up her little fist and bringing it down with gentle pressure on his shoulder. "Between you and me there must be nothing more about that. It must be an even partnership. There must be ever so much about money, and you'll have to go into dreadful details, and make journeys to Vienna to see that the houses don't tumble down;--but there must be no question between you and me of whence it came." "You will not think that I have to come to you for that?" "Have you ever known me to have a low opinion of myself? Is it probable that I shall account myself to be personally so mean and of so little value as to imagine that you cannot love me? I know you love me. But Phineas, I have not been sure till very lately that you would ever tell me so. As for me--! Oh, heavens! when I think of it." "Tell me that you love me now." "I think I have said so plainly enough. I have never ceased to love you since I first knew you well enough for love. And I'll tell you more,--though perhaps I shall say what you will think condemns me;--you are the only man I ever loved. My husband was very good to me,--and I was, I think, good to him. But he was many years my senior, and I cannot say I loved him,--as I do you." Then she turned to him, and put her head on his shoulder. "And I loved the old Duke, too, after a fashion. But it was a different thing from this. I will tell you something about him some day that I have never yet told to a human being." "Tell me now." "No; not till I am your wife. You must trust me. But I will tell you," she said, "lest you should be miserable. He asked me to be his wife." "The old Duke?" "Yes, indeed, and I refused to be a--duchess. Lady Glencora knew it all, and, just at the time I was breaking my heart,--like a fool, for you! Yes, for you! But I got over it, and am not broken-hearted a bit. Oh, Phineas, I am so happy now." Exactly at the time she had mentioned on the previous evening, at half-past twelve, the door was opened, and the Duchess entered the room. "Oh dear," she exclaimed, "perhaps I am in the way; perhaps I am interrupting secrets." "No, Duchess." "Shall I retire? I will at once if there be anything confidential going on." "It has gone on already, and been completed," said Madame Goesler rising from her seat. "It is only a trifle. Mr. Finn has asked me to be his wife." "Well?" "I couldn't refuse Mr. Finn a little thing like that." "I should think not, after going all the way to Prague to find a latch-key! I congratulate you, Mr. Finn, with all my heart." "Thanks, Duchess." "And when is it to be?" "We have not thought about that yet, Mr. Finn,--have we?" said Madame Goesler. "Adelaide Palliser is going to be married from here some time in the autumn," said the Duchess, "and you two had better take advantage of the occasion." This plan, however, was considered as being too rapid and rash. Marriage is a very serious affair, and many things would require arrangement. A lady with the wealth which belonged to Madame Goesler cannot bestow herself off-hand as may a curate's daughter, let her be ever so willing to give her money as well as herself. It was impossible that a day should be fixed quite at once; but the Duchess was allowed to understand that the affair might be mentioned. Before dinner on that day every one of the guests at Matching Priory knew that the man who had refused to be made Under-Secretary of State had been accepted by that possessor of fabulous wealth who was well known to the world as Madame Goesler of Park Lane. "I am very glad that you did not take office under Mr. Gresham," she said to him when they first met each other again in London. "Of course when I was advising you I could not be sure that this would happen. Now you can bide your time, and if the opportunity offers you can go to work under better auspices." CHAPTER LXXX. CONCLUSION. There remains to us the very easy task of collecting together the ends of the thread of our narrative, and tying them into a simple knot, so that there may be no unravelling. Of Mr. Emilius it has been already said that his good fortune clung to him so far that it was found impossible to connect him with the tragedy of Bolton Row. But he was made to vanish for a certain number of years from the world, and dear little Lizzie Eustace was left a free woman. When last we heard of her she was at Naples, and there was then a rumour that she was about to join her fate to that of Lord George de Bruce Carruthers, with whom pecuniary matters had lately not been going comfortably. Let us hope that the match, should it be a match, may lead to the happiness and respectability of both of them. As all the world knows, Lord and Lady Chiltern still live at Harrington Hall, and he has been considered to do very well with the Brake country. He still grumbles about Trumpeton Wood, and says that it will take a lifetime to repair the injuries done by Mr. Fothergill;--but then who ever knew a Master of Hounds who wasn't ill-treated by the owners of coverts? Of Mr. Tom Spooner it can only be said that he is still a bachelor, living with his cousin Ned, and that none of the neighbours expect to see a lady at Spoon Hall. In one winter, after the period of his misfortune, he became slack about his hunting, and there were rumours that he was carrying out that terrible threat of his as to the crusade which he would go to find a cure for his love. But his cousin took him in hand somewhat sharply, made him travel abroad during the summer, and brought him out the next season, "as fresh as paint," as the members of the Brake Hunt declared. It was known to every sportsman in the country that poor Mr. Spooner had been in love; but the affair was allowed to be a mystery, and no one ever spoke to Spooner himself upon the subject. It is probable that he now reaps no slight amount of gratification from his memory of the romance. The marriage between Gerard Maule and Adelaide Palliser was celebrated with great glory at Matching, and was mentioned in all the leading papers as an alliance in high life. When it became known to Mr. Maule, Senior, that this would be so, and that the lady would have a very considerable fortune from the old Duke, he reconciled himself to the marriage altogether, and at once gave way in that matter of Maule Abbey. Nothing he thought would be more suitable than that the young people should live at the old family place. So Maule Abbey was fitted up, and Mr. and Mrs. Maule have taken up their residence there. Under the influence of his wife he has promised to attend to his farming, and proposes to do no more than go out and see the hounds when they come into his neighbourhood. Let us hope that he may prosper. Should the farming come to a good end more will probably have been due to his wife's enterprise than to his own. The energetic father is, as all the world knows, now in pursuit of a widow with three thousand a year who has lately come out in Cavendish Square. Of poor Lord Fawn no good account can be given. To his thinking, official life had none of those drawbacks with which the fantastic feelings of Phineas Finn had invested it. He could have been happy for ever at the India Board or at the Colonial Office;--but his life was made a burden to him by the affair of the Bonteen murder. He was charged with having nearly led | circumstances | How many times the word 'circumstances' appears in the text? | 2 |
Subsets and Splits