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I am soooo glad I'm not circumcised! My corona is covered with foreskin so it is not exposed to viruses.

Did you know Google now has a platform for recording your bowel movements? It's called Google Sheets.

What is the difference between my wife and my vacuum? The vacuum doesn't snore after sex. ​ April fools, I don't have a wife.

What did the French man say to the attractive teletubby? Oo..lala...

Yo Mama Yo momma's so fat, that when she went to the zoo, the hippos got jealous.

Why did the pilot turn his plane into pens, pencils and a ruler? Because to refuel it needed to be stationery.

On my 18th birthday my friend introduced me to his fit sister. I was happy to meat her.

Which animal has the softest bite? “Gummy” bears

April Fool..... Because nothing is funny any more, April Fools day has been cancelled. Henceforth, March will have 32 days and April will start on April 2nd.

Want to know which user is gullible? Click here to find out! You are.

How do you slow down a Greyhound? You feed it.

Did you hear about China's new policy? They changed it from one child, to one grandparent.

Husband: I cheated on you once Wife: well if we are coming clean I cheated on you too Husband: haha April First! Wife: it was May 17 E: grammar

This month starts with Ap Not sure if it will end with ril or opcalypse

What do you call a boat full of dentists? A tooth ferry

Japanese scientist have created a camera. It has such an immense shutter speed, that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.

Tee Pee a House on, April Fool's, 2020 Wouldn’t today, April Fool’s Day, 2020, be the best time to TeePee someone’s house? The neighborhood will clean it up in four minutes.

My dad's taking this social distancing very serious I haven't seen him in 23 years

Two guys are caught by cannibals They are sitting in the big pot as the cannibals are stoking the fire, adding water, potatoes, and other veggies. One of the men starts laughing. “His friend says what is the matter with you we are about to be turned into stew and your laughing. “ “I just shit in the gravy!” Then the cannibals grant them three wishes and it turns into a different joke.

Now would be a really great time... ...for the WHO and the governments of the world to just say, “April Fools!”

A very rich man was infatuated with General Custer... So he hired the world’s most famous painter to paint him a piece for the rich man’s 50th birthday. The piece was to represent General Custer’s last thoughts. The painter said of course I will do this, but no one can see the painting until the reveal at your party. The rich man agreed knowing the prestige of the painter. The day of the party comes, and the rich man gathered every one of his friends for the reveal. The painter asks if every one was ready, and the rich man happily screams, “Of course! I’ve been waiting for months!” The curtain over the painting drops, and the entire painting is covered in Native Americans having sex. There is even multiple orgies happening! The rich man runs to painter furious screaming, “I told you to paint General Custer’s last thoughts!” The painter, deadpan, responds, “I did exactly as you requested!” The rich man says, “What was your thinking in Custer’s last thoughts then?” The painter simply reply’s, “Look at all those fucking Indians!”

How do you know someone is feeling horny? They click on this post

How does a blind man know when he's done wiping? Taste test.

Cruise Ships are being denied ports of entry due to the virus Because there is not enough Docktors to help them

Two nuns are driving down a country lane late one night Suddenly, a vampire lands on the bonnet of the car, hissing and scratching at the windscreen! “Ooh, Sister Mary - quickly, show him your cross”! says a panicking Sister Bernadette! Sister Mary quickly winds the window and leans out, “Get off the fucking bonnet, you prick”! she shouts!

What does a house wear for prom night? Address.

How do you make a waterbed more bouncy? Springwater

Think about it The coronavirus has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We're told no if we get too close to people. We get really excited for a car ride.

I'm gay. My parents knew, but I had April fooled.

Just got a job as a cuckoo in a cuckoo clock... It's not great, but it gets me out of the house.

Why did Sister Mary leave the Convent? She found out that Nun really meant none!

I started a dating site for people in my state who are infected with coronavirus OK Covid

I hate you all April fools :)

Why don’t we just resolve this shortage of PPE for healthcare professionals by ordering more from Walmart? I mean, only a stable genius would think of that

How does Popeye stop his penis going rusty? How does Popeye stop his penis going rusty? He sticks it in Olive Oyl.

Who hangs around outside in groups? Nobody. Not you. Not them over there. Nobody. Stay the fuck at Home!

What do you call a young Mexican? A paragraph, because they're not a full ese

You think I’m cringe Italian moms wait 9 months just to name their kid Giuseppe

I bought a roll of arab toilet paper the other day because everything else was out... ...but there was nothing in the bag?!

The bartender asks “Why the non-linear structure?” Quentin Tarantino walks into a bar.

What's the difference between meat and fish? If you beat your fish, it dies!

What do you call a furry that got laid off and laid at the same time. A furloughed fur load.

Three guys are captured by a tribe of cannibals The cannibals agree to allow each of their prisoners one final request before they eat them. The first guy requests to sleep with the most beautiful woman of the tribe. After much convening and deliberation, the cannibals allow the man to sleep with their most beautiful woman. As soon as he wakes up the next morning, he is carted off, skinned, eaten, and his hide made into a drum. The second guy, seeing how beautiful the woman his friend got to sleep with was, requests the same thing. Again, when he wakes up the next morning, the cannibals cart him off, skin him, eat him, and turn his skin into a drum. The third guy, after seeing the irresistible beauty of the tribe's most attractive woman, requests to see the knife used to skin his friends. "That's your request?" asks one of the tribal elders, "I guess if that's all you want from us before we eat you, that's fine" The elder goes to the cooking tent and retrieves the skinning knife. He hesitates for a moment before handing it to the prisoner. As soon as the knife is in his hand, the third guy starts stabbing himself in the stomach and yells, "you assholes aren't gonna turn me into a drum!"

Why do you call your dog ”I-know-what-you-did”? I love how many people jump 3 feet high when I start calling him.

Must be read with a u.s. southern accent A southern belle was back from her trip to New York City and was telling all of her friends about it. "Well I do declare, dey do things differently in the North! When I was there I saw boys kissin boys on da LIPS!" She says "Oh my oh my!" Her friends fan themselves, "what do dey call those?" One asks "Dey call em Homo-sex-uuuaaasls" "Oh my oh my!" "And I saw girls kissing girls on da LIPS!" she says "Oh my oh my!" Her friends fan themselves, "what do dey call those?" One asks "Dey call em Lez-b-aaaans" "Oh my oh my!" "And I even saw boys dat kissed girls in b'tween da LEGS!" "Oh my oh my!" Her friends fan themselves even more, "what do dey call those?" One asks "Oh I don't know, but I called em precious!"

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and he eats for a lifetime. Give a man a duck and he eats for a day. Teach a man to duck and he avoids low flying objects!

Like a fucking idiot, I left my apartment door unlocked and some prick came in and took a shit Yeah, so when I get home, I find two turds floating in the toilet. I know for a fact that when I left, there were three.

so i asked my crush out and she said YES!!!!! hahah idiots its Aprils fools she will never say yes hahaha

How did the lady sheriff always catch the wanted man? She had a big posse. Some say it was a big ole hairy posse that could keep up with any man on the run. Go ahead, look her up.

What do you call a headless caveman, riding a dinosaur? a yabba dabba dullahan.

Working from home is great! I’m basically getting paid $30 / hr to play Mario kart and have sex with my wife! That’s like $3 per race and $0.50 every time I have sex!

Couple talking a walk A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane. As they walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss." Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge. She nods in agreement and disappears behind the shrubbery. As he waits, he can hear the sound of her tight panties rolling down her long legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, and his hand touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly, and with great astonishment, he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage that's hanging between her legs. He shouts in horror, "My God, Claudette, I had no idea you were actually a man!" "No, you don't understand!" she replies. "I changed my mind, I'm taking a crap instead."

He was just trying to be nice! Sam invites his friends Brenda, Tom, and Lily to watch a football game on a Sunday afternoon. His son, Aiden is 4 years old and is playing with his blocks in the dining room. It is a very hot day outside so Sam sets up a small pitcher of ice water on a low table with plastic cups. Lily plays with Aiden for a few minutes, then says, "Boy, it is so hot in here! I need some of that water." and goes and sits back down. Aiden says, "You want water? OKAY!" and brings her a cup of water. She thanks him and Tom says, "Aiden, buddy, I need some of that water, can you get me some?" Aiden says, "OKAY!" and runs off, getting him a water. He says, "Thank you, thank you!" "You want one too, daddy?" Aiden asks Sam, to which he replies "Please!" Aiden says, "OKAY!" and comes back with another one and is thanked by his dad. Curious and bemused, Brenda asks Aiden, "Little man, can I have some too?" and follows Aiden. Aiden says, "OKAY!", and takes off, she smiles as he grabs a plastic cup, but does not fill it. He goes into the bathroom and she thinks to herself, "What is he doing? Maybe he has to pee?" while she stands in the doorway. She watches with horror as Aiden dunks the cup in the toilet and fills it. He turns around, hands it to her, and says, "Here you go!"

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.

Pickup line to use on women in bars: "I broke up with my girlfriend because she called 911 to report she ran out of toilet paper." Now if someone can tell me where an open bar is?

I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him

A Japanese, British, and American soldier are marooned on an island inhabited by cannibals The three soldiers are brought to the tribal Chief, who tells the men they will be killed, skinned, and their skin will be used to make canoes. But, the Chief out of respect for the men will allow them to choose their own way to die. The Japanese soldier asks for a sword and commits Seppuku. His body is hauled away. The British soldier asks for a gun, holds the gun to his head and proclaims “long live the queen!” before pulling the trigger. His body is also hauled away. The American soldier thinks for a second, then asks “so you want to kill us?” “Yes” said the Chief “And then you’re gonna use our skin to make canoes?” Becoming aggravated, the Chief responds “yes, yes, what’s so hard to comprehend about this?” “Well, in that case, I’ll take a fork please” Confused, the Chief orders his men to give the American soldier a fork. He takes a deep breath and starts stabbing his skin repeatedly yelling “fuck your canoes!!”

I wrote a joke about sheep. It's really baaad. A farmer had two pastures, both filled with sheep. He kept the rams in one field, and the ewes in the other. He had no dog, so he taught the sheep to keep each other in check. Alternating every day, he'd let one group of sheep out, and they'd run around the others to keep them grouped together, just like a sheepdog would, before returning to their pasture at night. Not being suited for shepherding, it was very tiring for the sheep doing the work, and was stressful for the sheep being driven, too. One day, a new ram was introduced to the flock. He thought this was a very curious arrangement. He said to one of the other rams, "Why are we in charge of keeping order amongst the ewes, and they in charge of keeping order amongst the rams? Doesn't this mutual antagonism engender animosity when mating season comes around?" The other ram replied, "Like it or not, we always herd the ones we love."

What did the abusive butcher do after his wife left him? Beat his meat.

A Puritan is someone who No's what they like.

Two men are cleaning windows on the 99th floor in a lift. One of them has an urge to pee. Not wanting to travel all the way down Tom proposes he could piss down from the side. Chris hesitates a little because he's afraid of falling down. Tom says he'll hold Chris and Chris agrees. Chris starts pissing down but Tom gets distracted by a fly and he lets Chris go... A month later 3 women are eating lunch and discussing where in the world are guys the horniest. First woman thinks: "Has to be Mexico. Have you seen how hot and sweaty guys are over there? They must fuck all the time, that's why." Second one says: "I was in a restaurant in France, after eating, rather than bringing me a cheque waiter brought me an invitation to his bed." Third woman interrupts: "That's nothing. Horniest guys live right here in our home country. Just a month ago I was walking down a street few blocks from here. I wasn't wearing any makeup or sexy clothes. And suddenly guy comes down from the sky, his dick out, yelling "Fuck me!"

I got a dog and named him Phoenix. But every time I say "Phoenix, down!" he doesn't get down - he just arises!

An off-duty Grenadier Guardsman at a football match found himself surrounded by several Coldstream Guards... \- they told him to go get some Bovril for all of them, and they insisted he leave his shoe behind so they knew he would come back. But when he did, and he put his shoe back on, he felt the unpleasant squishiness of a large turd. The same thing happened in the second half, only with the other shoe. And after the match, as they were all leaving, his bus turned up first and he got on it, and as it was about to pull out he leaned out of the window and said “Lads, lads, how long is this going to go on? This shitting in each other's shoes? This pissing in each other's Bovril?”

Covid has been found circulating on Norwegian currency It's the Kroner virus

Help me on my homework? Gives me 404 Hi so I have a homework and it says to solve 20 X 20.2. does someone know the answer? Whenever I type it on my calculator it gives me "404" Help?!?!!!???

Pandemic, country-wide fires, floods, locust swarms... I don't know who has them, but please just let the Jews go.

Why did Julio say goodbye to Rosie? Because she was the queen of corona.

A middle-aged couples' sex life had dwindled down to near nothing. Every day while the husband was at work, the wife would search the internet for tips on how to spice things up. Finally, she found something that she felt sure would re-awaken her husband's sex drive. Knowing he would come home soon, she quickly took off all of her clothes, then wrapped herself tightly in aluminum foil. Her husband came in, and his wife smiled sexily and said, "Well? What do you think?" "What," said the husband, "leftovers again?"

A duck threw a duck at another duck. So I shouted "DUCK!".... They all looked at me and said "what?"

An American, an Asian, and Newfie were working on a 40 story building.... An American, a Chinese guy and a Newfie were working a 40 story skyscraper, while in the lunch room, the American opens up his lunch kit and complains, “Look at this! Ham and cheese! Every day ham and cheese! I swear if I get another ham and cheese I’m jumping off this building tomorrow!” His Chinese friend said “I hear ya buddy my wife she give me chicken sandwiches every day nothing but chicken, I don’t want you to die along so I will jump with you IF I get another Chicken sandwich” The Newfie half hearing the conversation says “well I got a peanut butter and marmalade sandwich, if I get one tomorrow, I’ll jump with you guys!” Seemingly excited. The next day the American took one look in his lunch kit put off to the side and took the elevator to the top level of building and jumped off the side landed on the ground flat as a pancake, dead as a door nail, you name it, he was it, the Chinese guy took one look in his lunch kit put off to the side and took the elevator to the top level of building and jumped off the side landed on the ground flat as a pancake, dead as a door nail, you name it, he was it. The Newfie was on the same elevator ride up with the Chinese guy to the top level of building and jumped off the side landed on the ground flat as a pancake, dead as a door nail, you name it, he was it, A few days later the wives were all grieving the American’s wife says sobbing “well if I had known he didn’t like Ham and cheese sandwich I won’t have given him ham and cheese sandwiches!” The Chinese’s wife says sobbing “I know right, husband says he loves my cooking but no complaints about chicken sandwiches!” They look to the Newfie’s wife and she says “Don’t look at me, he made his own lunch!”

Imagine getting rid of COVID 19.. and then China releases COVID 20 Pro Max

The Pope cancelled Easter this year.. It's gotten so bad down here that Jesus won't even come back!

What is the difference between a new wife and a new job? After 5 years the job still sucks.

I am gonna leave r/jokes here is why: Why

Mr. T set the ninja turtles up on a blind date. Mr. T: Here's your girl. Ninja Turtles: who is she? Mr T: Its April, fools. Also, I'm sorry.

In-N-Out Burger has announced they're changing their name for the duration of the virus lockdown. Now it's just "Out Burger."

How's the weather in Western China? Cloudy with a chance of genocide

Mental school: Two mentally disturbed men Akpos and Kwame decided they must go to school. They collected old books and went to sit under the tree pretending it was a school. The following day, Akpos got there early and climbed the tree. As Kwame came and saw his friend on top of the tree he asked, "What are you doing up there?"Akpos replied, "I am now in high school."

A man is driving down the motor way in the fast lane with a trailer full of monkeys he notices his friends jeep in the adjacent lane. He slows down and ushers his friend to pull down the window. "John I'm in a massive rush, if I give you $50 could you bring these monkeys to the zoo?" "No problem" replies John About 4 hours later, the man drives the opposite direction on the motorway and is surprised to see John's truck with the monkeys still in the back. He ushers John to roll down his window once more. "John wtf are you doing? I gave you $50 to bring those monkeys to the zoo". "I did" replies John "But I had money leftover so we are off to the cinema".

Honeymoon It's the morning after the honeymoon, and the wife says, "You know, you're really a lousy lover." The husband replies, How can you tell after only 30 seconds?"

Why was a plastic surgeon appointed the director of the department of labor? Because he knows jobs!

Did you see on Facebook they've rebooted the DCU with a new supervillain, a Chinese cannibal? I guess he ate Batman or something.

While getting ready to go play outside with my kids, my wife asked me "Do you have tennis shoes?" I responded, "No, I only have 9 issues."

Why do dogs not like vacuum cleaners? Because nature abhors a vacuum.

What is a baseball batter’s favorite cake? A Bundt cake

Who led the digitization of your company? 1. CEO 2. CTO 3. COVID-19

What do you call a nut that gets good grades? An academia nut..

When one door closes, another one opens Other than that, it's a pretty good car

Elite Hacker Finds a Magic Lamp He rubs it and a genie pops out. The genie says "You have three wishes." Elite Hacker says "I wish I have zero more wishes." Genie says "You have 255 more wishes."

People must not cough near you. People can only cough far away. When you hear people cough, you should tell them to Far Cough

Why did the semen cross the road ? Because I put on the wrong pair of socks this morning.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island. One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one." The brunette says, "Ive been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home." POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family. Then, the red head says, "Ive been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too." POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My dear, whats the matter?" The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

What do you call a nut that gets good grades? An academia nut..

Masturbating too much during quarantine can lead to short term memory loss. Anyways, did you know that masturbating too much during quarantine can lead to short term memory loss?

Can February March? No, but April May.

A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."

Chief Walking Horse has a terrible case of constipation So he travels to the local outpost, where he sits down to talk with the Army doctor. ​ "Many moons pass, and chief Walking Horse no go number two." He complains. ​ The doctor reaches into his cabinet and fishes out a mild laxative. ​ "Here, Chief, take 1 teaspoon of this every 3 hours, and come back and see me in two days." ​ The chief took the little bottle, and left back to his village. ​ Two days later, ask the Doctor requested, he's back. ​ "Chief Walking Horse, have you moved yet?" ​ The chief slowly shakes his head no. ​ "OK, Chief, I'm going to have you double that dosage. I want you to take 2 teaspoons every 3 hours." ​ The chief nods his head yes, and leaves to return to his village. ​ This repeats itself a couple more times, and the Doctor is growing very concerned. Finally, out of frustration, he grabs another bottle of laxative, and tells the chief to drink the whole thing. ​ A few days later, while visiting a close by settlement, the Doctor sees the Chief. ​ "Chief Walking Horse! It is good to see you. Tell me, have you moved yet?" ​ The chief looks at him with a grimace and says. "Chief Moved yesterday. Teepee full of shit!"

(True Story) My girlfriend wakes up this morning She wakes up this morning, turns to me and says “I’m horny” Me: *Excitement in my voice* “Yeah?!” Her: “April fools!” Me: .... :*(

3 men are shipwrecked on an island They come to find that the island is inhabited by cannibals, and before they can make it far, they are captured. The cannibals bring the 3 men to their king, who tells them “bring me 10 of a fruit, and I will set you free” The men are shocked, and immediately get to work. The first man comes back with 10 apples. The cannibal king says to him “now, if you can shove each of those apples up your ass, without making a single facial expression, I will set you free. If you cannot, we will eat you” mr. apples guy gets up to #4, and can’t handle the pain any longer and starts crying, so the king kills him and the tribe prepares him. The second man comes back with 10 strawberries. The king gives him the same instructions, and the man gets up to the 8th strawberry and then suddenly bursts out laughing, hysterically. The king kills him as well, and the tribe adds him to the fire. Up in heaven, the first guy meets up with the second guy. He says “Mate! You could have gotten away, why, of all things, did you start laughing like that?” The second guy replies “well mate I saw the third guy running, and he was carrying pineapples!” Am on mobile, excuse any mistakes