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Waitress Only Friendly When Bringing The Check #~# MURFREESBORO, TN— According to customers at Po' Boys Family Restaurant, waitress Melanie Bostic is only friendly when bringing the check. "About 10 minutes after I sat down, she walks over and says, 'Know whatcha want?' No 'hi' or anything," customer Bruce Banda said. "Then, when I'm done eating, all of a sudden I get a big smile and my name is 'Honey.'" Fellow customer Sandi Herzog agreed. "The placemats boast of Po' Boys' 'Famous Friendly Service,'" Herzog said. "That probably should say, 'Famous Curt, Inconsiderate Service Until We Want You To Pay And Leave.'" |
SLA Murder Trial Nostalgic Trip Back To More Innocent Time #~# INDEPENDENCE, MO— The murder trial of three Symbionese Liberation Army members is providing Americans with a nostalgic escape to a carefree, more innocent time. "Oh, man, Patty Hearst and the SLA. That takes me back to high school," said Ralph Henderson, 43, an Independence-area dentist. "Pet rocks, Jerry Ford jokes, small bands of kooky, disorganized terrorists shooting up local banks… Those were the days." |
Shadow Government Attracts Shadow Protesters #~# UNDISCLOSED LOCATION— Decrying various unspecified aspects of the U.S. Shadow Government, an indeterminate number of Shadow Protesters gathered outside the organization's mountain retreat, sealed germ-free vault, or underground bunker, on Monday. "We unfortunately cannot comment on our feelings about the Shadow Government at this time," said an unnamed protester, neither confirming nor denying reports that he or she accused the Shadow Government of violating the U.S. Constitution. After 20 minutes of protest, the group was dispersed by members of the Shadow Secret Service, who used "means at their disposal." |
Indian-American Child Having Difficulty Finding Bicycle License Plate With His Name On It #~# HAYWARD, CA— Dinesh Parekh, 9, continues to struggle to find a bicycle license plate with his name on it, the Indian-American child reported Monday. "This is the third store I've checked today," said a dejected Parekh, exiting a Toys "R" Us near his Hayward home. "Derrick, Diane, Dillon and Dylan, Dirk… no Dinesh." Parekh, who has pedaled his brand-new Schwinn to more than a dozen stores during his three-week search, said he plans to ask his mother to drive him to the KB Toys in San Leandro next weekend. |
Allow Me To Introduce You To The Other Members Of Alpha Bravo Team #~# Hello, sir. I'm Rawlings, head of the Department for Special Acquisitions and Liquidations. Allow me to welcome you to the DSAL. I appreciate you coming from Zurich on such short notice. How was your flight? Yes, I know, the Concorde isn't all it's cracked up to be, but we needed you here fast. Time is of the essence. This is our car. |
The Nuclear Response #~# Calling nuclear retaliation against attackers "an option," President Bush wants to build up the U.S. nuclear arsenal as a means of deterrence. What do you think? |
Gores Enjoying Best Sex Of Their Lives #~# NEW YORK—More than a year removed from public office, former vice president Al Gore and his wife Tipper are enjoying the best sex of their lives, the happy couple reported Monday. |
E.T.: The Extra Material #~# Steven Spielberg, digital remastering |
Girl, She Means Nothing To Me #~# Aw, girl. You know I would never hurt you for all the gold and diamonds on Earth. You know I am your Smoove Man. And that is why I am begging you to look into your heart and forgive me for the wrong which I have done. |
11-Year-Olds' Entire Plan For Night Is To Smoke Cigarettes #~# PINE BLUFF, AR—Lee Brandt, 11, a fifth-grader at North Woods Elementary School, announced Monday that he and his friends plan to spend Friday night smoking cigarettes. |
Corporation Reaches Goal, Shuts Down #~# AUSTIN, TX—After 18 years of striving, Dell Computer finally reached its long-stated goal to be the worldwide leader in computing systems Monday and promptly ceased operations. |
Study Finds Sexism Rampant In Nature #~# SAN DIEGO—According to a University of California–San Diego study released Monday, sexism is rampant throughout the natural world, particularly among the highest classes of vertebrates. |
New U.S. Currency Expires If Not Spent In Two Weeks #~# WASHINGTON, DC— Seeking to stimulate consumer spending, the Treasury Department unveiled "QuikCash," a new U.S. currency that expires two weeks from the date of its issuance. "America, get ready to spend," Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill said Monday. "QuikCash is our exciting new way to jump-start the economy while telling our valued citizens, 'Hey, go get yourself something nice. Now.'" |
Scotland More Relaxed When Sean Connery Is Away #~# EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND—The people of Scotland felt a little calmer and more at ease Monday, when actor Sean Connery left the country to shoot a film in Morocco. "Don't misunderstand, we are quite proud of Mr. Connery," Scottish First Minister Jim Wallace said. "It's just that he's a rather intense fellow, and it's nice to have a little time without him." Connery is expected to be away for seven weeks, giving the nation the opportunity to hold a number of relaxed, Connery-free outdoor festivals. |
Olympic Skier Stares Down Icy, Forbidding Slope Of Rest Of Life #~# COLORADO SPRINGS, CO— Two weeks after returning from the Salt Lake City Games, U.S. Olympic skier Courtney Roth, 31, found herself staring down the icy, forbidding slope that is her future Monday. "I got an offer to do a supermarket opening in Denver next week," Roth said, "and it looks like I may sign on to promote the new popcorn shrimp they've got over at Lou's Lobster House." Following several months of three-figure endorsement deals, Roth will land a job in Vail teaching skiing to surly, spoiled 5- to 10-year-olds for the rest of her life. |
Home-Brewing Phase Comes To Long-Overdue Conclusion #~# BETHEL PARK, PA— Local resident Randy Paltz's two-year home-brewing phase finally came to its long-overdue conclusion Tuesday. "Thank God, it's over at last," said Andrea Longo, girlfriend of the 33-year-old beer aficionado. "Every few weeks, he'd make a big production about his latest 'Paltz's Signature Brew.' It all tasted the same—like really thick, shitty beer." Friend Tim Traschel also expressed relief, saying, "Now I can actually go to his house and bring some Michelob without getting a lecture about the low quality of hops in commercial beers." |
It Was The Eighth Subscription Card That Convinced Me #~# Every now and then, I'll pick up a copy of Sports Illustrated, usually when the cover story grabs my interest. But for all the times I've bought SI off the newsstand, I'd never really thought about subscribing. That is, until last Friday, when that eighth subscription card fell out of the issue I was reading. Yes, that was the one that convinced me. |
Military Promises 'Huge Numbers' For Gulf War II: The Vengeance #~# WASHINGTON, DC—At a Pentagon press conference Monday, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld touted the military's upcoming Gulf War II: The Vengeance as "even better than the original." |
The Andrea Yates Trial #~# Andrea Yates, on trial for the drowning of her five children in the bathtub of their Houston home, has pleaded not guilty by reason of insanity. What do you think? |
Sociology 101 Assignment Stretched To Incorporate '70s Punk Rock #~# COLUMBIA, MO—A Sociology 101 paper on the theories of 19th-century French sociologist Émile Durkheim was stretched to incorporate the 1970s British punk-rock scene, sources close to the paper's author, University of Missouri freshman Justin Hoyer, reported Monday. |
Shame On You, Wynonna Rider #~# Item! A thief in Hollywood? Say it ain't so! Wynonna Rider, who delighted us in Alien 3, Welcome Home Roxy Carmichael, and 1969, was recently arrested for shoplifting. It's true, loyal readers, they caught her red-handed taking handbags (remember when they used to call them "purses"?) from an expensive Beverly Hills store. Well, let me be the first to say shame on you, Wynonna! I know stars sometimes think they are above the law. (Heck, I'm probably as much to blame as anyone, since I've said stars are better people than us.) But to betray our trust like that! People look up to you, Wynonna. Please, think about the movie fans who hold you dear in their heart before you run off and do something like that again. |
Botox And Beyond #~# Botox, which eliminates facial wrinkles via a small injection of botulism, is all the rage. What are some other hot cosmetic procedures? |
Man Can't Get Police To Care About His Bob Crane Murder Theory #~# SCOTTSDALE, AZ— Despite his best efforts, Paul Bernardin, 38, has been unable to get the Scottsdale Police Department to care about his theory regarding the unsolved 1978 murder of actor Bob Crane in Scottsdale. “[Bernardin] keeps coming in here saying he knows who killed Col. Hogan,” police chief Walter Dunfey said Monday. “Then he usually goes off on how the electrical cord Crane was strangled with doesn’t match the ones in the other rooms of the hotel he was in. What am I supposed to do with that information?” Bernardin, Dunfey said, is also convinced that the police possess Crane’s infamous stash of self-produced amateur pornography. |
Item Found In Garbage To Be Turned Into Lamp Someday #~# MINNEAPOLIS—Joe Lennek, 24, a part-time pizza delivery driver and 1997 University of Minnesota dropout, rescued a three-foot length of metallic pipe from the trash Monday in the hopes of one day converting it into a lamp. |
Bush Calls On Business Leaders To Create 500,000 Shitty Jobs By 2003 #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In a keynote address at the National Economic Summit, President Bush issued a bold challenge to the nation's business leaders Monday, calling on them to create 500,000 shitty jobs by next year. |
Denver Optometrist Not Sure Why He Has Gay Cult Following #~# LAKEWOOD, CO—Gene Podrewski, a Denver-area optometrist and father of two, expressed befuddlement Monday over his status as a gay camp icon. |
Paleontology Class Winces Whenever Fundamentalist Kid Raises Hand #~# STATE COLLEGE, PA— The 24 other students in a Penn State Paleontology 101 discussion section wince with dread whenever fundamentalist Christian Joseph Moseley raises his hand, classmates reported Tuesday. "As soon as that guy's hand shoots up, the whole class tenses up and is like, 'Oh, God, here we go again,'" classmate Colin Herberger said. "I think he thinks he plays a valuable role in the class, acting as the 'opposing viewpoint,' but it's just annoying." |
Area Man Plays 'Imagine' Every Time He Sees A Piano #~# SALEM, OR— Friends of Bill Moreland expressed irritation Monday over the 29-year-old's habit of playing John Lennon's "Imagine" whenever a piano is in sight. "It's like this desperate grab for attention he tries to pass off as totally casual," friend Alan Carter said. "He'll sit down at the piano with this really deep look on his face, then launch into those really simple first few bars, expecting everyone to be amazed and moved." Friends say the habit has persisted since Moreland was in the fifth grade, when he switched to "Imagine" from the Jaws theme. |
Dog Chastised For Acting Like Dog #~# SACRAMENTO, CA— Obeying the instincts bred into him by millions of years of evolution, Shiner, a 2-year-old golden retriever, incurred his owner's wrath Monday by acting like a dog. "Stop barking at that damn squirrel!" Terri Solanis shouted at the dog. "Can't you sit still for five minutes?" Solanis has previously scolded Shiner for sniffing feces encountered on the sidewalk, licking his own groin, and wolfing down his food. |
U.N. Tribunal Swayed By Thousands Of Children's Letters To Milosevic #~# THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS— Members of the U.N. war-crimes tribunal were swayed in favor of former Yugoslav president Slobodan Milosevic Monday, when sack after sack of letters from children around the world were heaped onto the presiding judge's desk. "Dear Mr. Milosevic, please get out of jail soon!" read one letter from 6-year-old Brittany White of Houston. Another, from 10-year-old Xiang Xiu of Beijing, read: "We love you, Slobodan! The children of China pray for you!!!" Judge Richard George May, deeply moved by the outpouring of love, ruled that Milosevic is a treasure to children of all ages and then freed him with a bang of his gavel. |
Book-Club Meeting Degenerates Into Discussion Of Oscars #~# MINOT, ND— A weekly meeting of the Minot Public Library's "Book Buddies" club degenerated into a discussion of the upcoming Academy Awards Tuesday. "We were talking about that week's book, A Bend In The Road by Nicholas Sparks, when somebody asked if anyone had seen the movie version of [Sparks'] A Walk To Remember," group leader Ellen Talmadge said. "Then Bill [Polk] asked if anybody had seen John Q. After that, we never really got back to the book." Talmadge added that she considers Nicole Kidman "a lock" for her performance in Moulin Rouge. |
Youth Is Wasted On The Young vs. Medication Is Wasted On The Old #~# They say hindsight is 20/20 and, boy, are they right. Young people fritter away the gifts of youth, wasting their time on silly video games and whatnot. Don't they understand how important it is to make the most of your life while you're still young? |
The Saudi Peace Plan #~# A Middle East peace plan from Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah has generated hope among both Palestinians and Israelis. What do you think? |
Bono To The Rescue #~# Called "rock's conscience," U2 frontman and political crusader has met with everyone from Kofi Annan to Colin Powell. What has he been doing recently? |
Are You Coming To My Show Tonight? #~# Hey, man, what are you up to tonight? You should totally come to my show at The Shack. We're on a triple bill with Meat Hammer and The Subpoenaed. |
McDonald's Drops 'Hammurderer' Character From Advertising #~# OAK BROOK, IL—Bowing to outcry from consumers and parents groups, the McDonald’s Corporation announced Monday that it is discontinuing its new advertising mascot, “The Hammurderer,” a mischievous, homicidal imp who kills McDonaldland characters and takes their sandwiches. |
Area Man Perpetually In Process Of Buying Or Selling Car #~# MARION, IL—Local resident Don Liman, 49, is almost constantly in the process of buying, selling, or preparing to buy or sell a car, sources reported Monday. |
Man Turns Vegetarian For 36 Hours #~# WAUSAU, WI— Local resident Alvin Wanamaker swore off all meat products for 36 hours, from Friday morning to late Saturday afternoon. "I was planning to go vegetarian for life," Wanamaker said Monday. "But then I figured, hey, there's hot dogs in the fridge, and they'll just go to waste." Wanamaker made headlines last year for his strict three-day exercise regimen of 100 sit-ups every morning. |
Opium-Inspired Ad Executive Composes Epic Tums Jingle #~# CHICAGO— An eight-hour opium binge resulted in a towering work of advertising Sunday, when DDB Needham copywriter Brian Lisi gave birth to an epic 400-line radio jingle for Tums. "When Vulcan's fires spout and rage / within a roiling acid sea / let work the soothing tablet Tums / The Hell-sear'd forge within becomes / sweet alkaloid esprit," the jingle begins before detouring into iceberg imagery believed to represent Tums' new "Cool Relief" flavor. The ad, which begins production in June, is expected to run nearly 90 minutes. |
Why Do Porn Actors Have To Use Such Foul Language? #~# Like many people, I enjoy pornographic movies. But I've got a major bone to pick with the actors. It's gotten to the point where you can't watch a porno without being inundated by swearing. I can't tell you how many times I've tried to enjoy a hardcore sex scene, only to have it ruined by the participants screaming, "F– my p–" and, "Oh, yeah, suck my big, hard you-know-what, baby." Is it really necessary to resort to such foul language? |
Fashion Industry Pretends To Care About Plus-Size Models #~# NEW YORK— In a pretend show of support for larger women, the May issue of Vogue features a 16-page spread focusing on plus-size models. "These plus-size beauties are every bit as gorgeous as the models you usually see in magazines," said Vogue editor Anna Wintour, who has never before and will never again publish photos of normal-sized women. "Female beauty comes in many shapes and sizes, and this spread is a celebration of that fact." Vogue's June issue is slated to celebrate female boniness, featuring hundreds of photos of women weighing no more than 103 pounds. |
According To The Economist, NASA Is An Industrial Subsidy In Disguise vs. Oooh, Look At Me, I Read The Economist! #~# I grew up with the romantic notion that NASA is not merely a government agency, but an organization dedicated to bravely propelling the human race forward into a glorious future of scientific advancement and discovery. But after reading a recent article in The Economist, I have no choice but to question that idealistic view. |
The Osbournes #~# The Osbournes, the MTV reality show chronicling the lives of Ozzy Osbourne and his familiy, is a surprise hit. |
Cardinal Law Under Fire #~# Boston's Cardinal Law has been ordered to appear for a deposition to answer questions about his protection of a priest accused of sexual abuse. What do you think? |
Mideast Peace Process Derailed, Burned To Ground, Shoveled Over With Dirt #~# JERUSALEM—The Mideast peace process was once again derailed Monday, when U.S.-brokered talks between Israeli and Palestinian leaders careened off their tracks into an embankment and burst into flames, burning with intensity for nearly an hour until the smoking remains were shoveled over with dirt. |
Community Rallies Behind Struggling Corporation #~# SUMMITVILLE, IN—The 1,032 residents of Summitville are rallying to save CEC MidCorp, a struggling, Indianapolis-based corporation that posted record fourth-quarter losses last year. |
South Dakota Considering Maybe Putting Mount Rushmore On State Quarter #~# PIERRE, SD— South Dakota is thinking about maybe putting Mount Rushmore on its upcoming state coin, sources reported Monday. "I forget who came up with the idea, but Mount Rushmore is definitely in the running," said State Coin Selection Committee chair James Kolter. "We're also considering many other worthy subjects, from the historic birthplace of Cheryl Ladd to our oft-used highway system. It's definitely going to be a tough call." The committee has until late 2005 to decide. |
Magic-Store Employee Not The Same Since Losing Virginity #~# ANAHEIM, CA—Scottie Reuss, 22, a longtime employee of Merlin's Magicland, has not been as interested in magic or customer service as he was before his March 27 virginity loss, coworkers reported Monday. |
80 Percent Of Small-Town Newspaper Written By Jerry Schoepke #~# CRESTLINE, OH—Covering beats as diverse as Crestline city government, Crestline High School football, and Crestline births and deaths, Crestline Gazette reporter Jerry Schoepke writes an estimated 80 percent of the weekly community newspaper. |
Former Big Celebrity Finds New Career As Pathetic Former Celebrity #~# HOLLYWOOD, CA— Eighteen years after his fame peaked with The Karate Kid, former big celebrity Ralph Macchio has discovered a new, lucrative career in the rapidly growing field of washed-up celebritydom. "I just recorded a cameo on King Of The Hill where, after Bobby gets cast in a movie, I explain to him that fame is fleeting," Macchio said Monday. "And I taped a Drew Carey Show appearance where I woo a girl away from Drew, and he moans about how he's 'even losing chicks to Ralph Macchio.'" Macchio will also appear in an upcoming Stanley Tools ad, in which, over an image of his face, the announcer says, "Some things come and go, but Stanley is forever." |
Bush To Sacrifice Own Life For Good Of Nation #~# WASHINGTON, DC— Displaying the selfless courage that has defined his presidency, President Bush announced Tuesday that he will heroically lay down his life that the rest of the nation may live on. "It is the only way," Bush said. "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. I must, therefore, die to preserve future generations." Over the vociferous objections of his closest Cabinet members, Bush brushed aside their outstretched arms, repeating, "It is the only way." |
Street Performer Dreams Of Performing On Streets Of Paris #~# ALBUQUERQUE, NM— Dave Bosio, 20, an aspiring singer-songwriter who plays guitar on the streets of Albuquerque, dreams of one day playing for spare change on the streets of Paris. "To play on the Champs-Elysées, that'd be a dream come true," Bosio said Monday. "Or someplace along the Left Bank. That'd be so much better than Copper Avenue." Bosio then launched into an off-key version of Bob Marley's "Redemption Song." |
Teen Worried About Friend Who Tried Pot #~# ARVADA, CO— Steve Vandervelt, 16, an Arvada High School honors student, expressed grave concern Tuesday for friend Todd Wolk, who experimented with marijuana at a party the previous weekend. "They say pot's a 'gateway drug,'" Vandervelt told Wolk. "And even if it doesn't lead to cocaine and more serious stuff, doing pot can still really mess up your brain." Vandervelt offered to speak to Mrs. Logan, the school's health-ed teacher, on Wolk's behalf to get more information about the dangers of marijuana use. |
Area Man Has No Idea Where To Get Envelope #~# NEW BERN, NC— In need of an envelope to mail his March telephone bill, Jordan Phills, 26, reported Monday that he has no idea where to get one. "Is there such thing as an 'envelope store'?" Phills asked. "I honestly have no clue how to go about getting an envelope, except by snagging one off somebody." Phills added that the envelope hunt would not have been necessary had his roommate not spilled coffee all over the pre-addressed envelope enclosed with the monthly bill. |
That Guy From That One Show Not Looking So Hot #~# ERIE, PA— That guy who plays the main guy on that one show isn't looking so hot, sources close to the TV set reported Tuesday. "It looks like he gained, like, 40 pounds or something," said Erie resident Doug Knauss, watching the show. "He looks all puffed out and tired with those bags under his eyes." Knauss noted that the big movie the guy was in a couple years back completely tanked, so that might have done a real number on him. |
It Hurts My Feelings When You Leave Before The Credits Are Done #~# Please don't take this the wrong way. I'm sure you don't like being told what to do. But seeing you walk out of the theater the moment the credits start to roll, well, it really hurts my feelings. I may not have been the director or one of the stars of Changing Lanes, but I worked very hard in my capacity as assistant to Mr. Affleck. |
Silicon Valley Reboots #~# Devastated by the dot-com collapse, Silicon Valley is beginning to rebound. |
Marine Never Knew What Freedom Was Until He Left The Marines #~# MADISON, WI—Troy Leffler, who spent four long years living under an oppressive, totalitarian Marine Corps regime, never knew how precious freedom was until he left the Marines, the former Private-First Class (PFC) said Sunday. |
I'm A High Roller #~# Hola, amigos. All clear on your end? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but things have been kinda hectic around El Casa Anchower lately. |
Orgy A Logistical Nightmare #~# CANTON, OH—Despite his excitement about the upcoming sexual free-for-all, first-time orgy organizer Jerry Belsner, 33, admitted Monday that planning the event has been a logistical nightmare. |
Doctor, Patient Have Wildly Different Definitions Of Word 'Hope' #~# WESTBROOK, ME— Terminally ill patient Wayne Lund and his physician have wildly differing definitions of the word "hope," it was revealed Monday. "Dr. [Robert] Petrakis said there's hope," said Lund, recently diagnosed with Wyckoff-Kleiner Disease, a rare degenerative brain condition that is 99.5 percent fatal. "If that's the case, I'm gonna beat this thing." Said Petrakis: "I told him, 'There's always hope… miracles do happen.' So, technically, I guess there's hope. But not really." |
U.S. Children Getting Majority Of Antibiotics From McDonald's Meat #~# WASHINGTON, DC—According to a Department of Health and Human Services report released Monday, McDonald’s meat from antibiotics-injected livestock is now the primary source of antibiotics for U.S. children, particularly for uninsured youths from low-income households. |
Home-Buying Up Among Lame-O's #~# WASHINGTON, DC—In the first quarter of 2002, sales of new U.S. homes rose 5.3 percent among Dockers-wearing, Pictionary-playing lame-o's, the Commerce Department reported Monday. |
Drilling For Oil In Alaska #~# Seeking to decrease U.S. dependence on Iraqi oil, Senate Republicans want to open Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife Refuge for drilling. What do you think? |
Lutheran Minister Arrested On Charges Of Boring Young Children #~# PERU, IL— St. Luke's Lutheran Church was rocked by scandal Tuesday, when Rev. Bob Tillich, the church's pastor of 12 years, was arrested on suspicion of boring as many as 23 children within the congregation. "Reverend Bob always seemed like the sweetest man," parishioner Vera Crandall said following the arrest. "When my son said he made him watch three 1975 filmstrips about the suffering of Job, I was shocked." In the wake of the arrest, seven former Sunday-school students, dating as far back as 1989, have stepped forward with charges that Tillich subjected them to inappropriately tedious parables. |
Breakup Doesn't Seem To Have Changed Relationship #~# CARY, NC— Six weeks after their breakup, Daniel Bey and Janette Forsberg seem to have undergone no apparent change in their relationship, friends of the ostensibly ex-couple reported Monday. "They see each other all the time, and they still argue about every trivial thing, just like when they were together," friend Rich Gascone said. "Daniel even told me they're still having sex. But apparently, in some science-fiction way I can't comprehend, they're split up." |
Either Jay Leno A Repeat Or P. Diddy Got Arrested Again #~# MOUNT LEBANON, PA— According to Pittsburgh-area TV viewer Erik Allen, either Monday's Tonight Show With Jay Leno was a repeat or P. Diddy got arrested again. "Jay's monologue had all these jokes about P. Diddy getting busted for some kind of gun possession," Allen said. "I hadn't really heard anything about another arrest, so I figured it was a rerun. But that was, like, more than a year ago, right? Plus, I think he was still Puff Daddy back then, and Jay called him P. Diddy." Allen said he had hoped to gain insight from Leno's interviews with guests Lisa Kudrow and zookeeper Jack Hanna, but "neither seemed to be plugging anything all that time-specific." |
What Does Not Kill Me Only Makes Me Whinier #~# I've endured a great deal of hardship and pain in my life. I'll never forget the gastrointestinal distress I suffered two years ago after consuming an entire bag of caramel popcorn. Or the humiliation I felt in 1996 when I was stood up by a blind date. Or the time I spent an entire day wearing a shirt that, unbeknownst to me, was marred by unsightly deodorant streaks. |
Clinton Dragged Up On Stage To Sing 'Sweet Home Alabama' With The Band #~# LITTLE ROCK, AR— Former president Bill Clinton joined local rock band Jimmy Ellis & The Houserockers onstage for a cover of Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Sweet Home Alabama" Saturday. "Come on up here, Mr. President!" Ellis urged Clinton, whom he spotted near the back of the crowd. "Show the nice folks how it's done!" Following the performance, Clinton remained onstage for a rollicking rendition of Garth Brooks' "Friends In Low Places." |
Ask A Guy Trying To Describe What He Saw On Nova Last Night #~# My husband's job requires a lot of business travel, so I hardly see him during the week. When he's home on weekends, he says he's too burned out from traveling to do anything and just wants to relax. It's really starting to affect our marriage. How can I get him to realize that I need time, too? |
Japanese Exchange Student Taken To Japanese Restaurant #~# BETTENDORF, IA—Takashi Miyazawa, 16, an exchange student from Nagoya spending six months in Bettendorf, was given the opportunity to experience authentic Japanese cuisine Monday, when host mother Bobbie Tucker arranged a visit to Edo, a restaurant in nearby Davenport. |
Arafat Under Fire #~# Trapped by Israeli tanks in his West Bank compound, Yasser Arafat is under fire for not doing more to stop the recent Palestinian terrorist attacks. What do you think? |
Tax-Code Changes #~# The Aptil 15 tax-filing deadline is fast approaching. What are some of the changes in this year's code? |
Architect's Friends All Have Great Idea For A Building #~# SAN DIEGO— Friends and acquaintances of Phil Yost are constantly giving him ideas for buildings, the 40-year-old architect said Monday. "I was catching up with my old college roommate, who I hadn't spoken to in years, and he blurts out, 'What if you built a revolving hotel like they have revolving restaurants?'" Yost said. "Do you know how many times I've gotten that?" In the past month, Yost has heard pitches for pyramid-shaped warehouses, retractable-roof golf courses, and 100-story, subterranean "groundscrapers" that would be impervious to terrorist attack. |
Suburban Dad Cracks Wise In Church Parking Lot #~# STEVENS POINT, WI—Flashing his trademark wit, dermatologist and father of three Gil Schlerek amused onlookers in the parking lot of Christ Presbyterian Church by incorporating a popular movie catchphrase into his search for his car Sunday. |
37 Record-Store Clerks Feared Dead In Yo La Tengo Concert Disaster #~# ATHENS, GA—Thirty-seven record-store clerks are missing and feared dead in the aftermath of a partial roof collapse during a Yo La Tengo concert Monday. |
Nevada To Phase Out Laws Altogether #~# CARSON CITY, NV—The Nevada legislature voted Monday to repeal all laws within the state and prohibit the proposal of any new laws. |
Loft Discussed At Loft Party #~# CHICAGO—Guests at David and Jill Holman's loft party last Saturday spent the bulk of the four-hour affair discussing various aspects of the loft, including its location, square footage, rent, division of space, acoustics, and previous use. "So it's not too cold in the winter?" guest Gail Shaughnessy asked at the two-hour mark of the loft-centric gathering. "It seems like heating bills would be a lot with the high ceiling." |
Parrot's Previous Owner Obviously Watched A Lot Of The Price Is Right #~# POPLAR BLUFF, MO— According to Kenneth Childs, the new owner of Crackers, an African gray parrot, the previous owner must have watched a tremendous amount of The Price Is Right. "All day long, Crackers keeps squawking shit like, 'Come on down!' and 'Plinko!'" Childs said. "That poor bird must have been subjected to the Game Show Network 24 hours a day." Childs also swore that he once heard Crackers sing the yodeling music from the mountain-climber game. |
Pepsi CEO's Wife Buys Coke When She's Mad At Him #~# PURCHASE, NY— Mary Reinemund, wife of Pepsico CEO Steven S. Reinemund, passive-aggressively buys Coca-Cola products whenever she is angry at her husband. "Last Wednesday, Steve worked late on their anniversary," said Bea Vance, the Reinemunds' housekeeper. "Sure enough, the next day, there's a two-liter bottle of Diet Coke in the fridge." Vance added that in the summer of 1999, during "an especially rough time" in the Reinemunds' marriage, Mary was often seen wearing a promotional Sprite sun visor. |
Nation's UPS Men Break Out The Shorts #~# MANCHESTER, NH—In a welcome sight heralding the end of another winter and the arrival of spring, United Parcel Service men across the nation are breaking out the shorts. |
Nation's Deans Meet To Discuss Problem Of College Girls Going Wild #~# GAINESVILLE, FL—Calling the trend "a black mark on academia," deans from more than 300 U.S. colleges converged on the University of Florida campus to address the growing problem of out-of-control, sexy sorority sweethearts baring it all for the cameras. "In recent years, a number of filmmakers have brought to light the shocking antics of hot young girls from the wildest party schools," said Tulane University dean of students Dr. Anderson Brand. "We must take appropriate action to address this wild, uncensored revelry." Brandishing one of the mail-order videotapes, University of Connecticut dean Charles Burton said, "I could not believe what happened when those crazy co-eds got back to their hotel rooms. Nor, I suspect, could anyone." |
Countries Who Met Over Internet Go To War #~# TARTU, ESTONIA—Just months after meeting in an Internet chat room, the nations of Suriname and Estonia have entered a state of open hostility, U.N. sources reported Tuesday. |
Stand-Up And Be Counted #~# Lately, I've been doing a lot of thinking about how important it is to follow your dreams. We all have them. Some of us want to be doctors, some want to be lawyers… and some want to be a size six! |
Sullen Time-Traveling Teen Reports 23rd Century Sucks #~# NEWTON, MA—According to sullen teenager Steve Geremek, the 23rd century, a time previously restricted to the fantastical imaginings of science-fiction writers and futurists, "sucks." |
The Organ-Donor Crisis #~# The U.S. is critically low on organ donations. What is the nation's medical community doing to address the shortage? |
The Church Sex Scandal #~# A growing sex-abuse scandal is engulfing the Catholic Church, with many priests accused of sexually molesting children. What do you think? |
New Roommate Has Elaborate Theory About How Kenny Rogers Is A Genius #~# DAYTON, OH—University of Dayton sophomores Mike Maritz and Andrea Haltigan reported Monday that their otherwise normal-seeming new roommate has "this whole theory about how Kenny Rogers is a genius." |
You Used Me For Sex, Friendship, And Good Conversation #~# Wow. I don't know what to say. I thought everything was going great between us. I thought we really had something special going these past six weeks. Apparently, I was wrong. It's become clear to me that all this time, you were just using me for sex, friendship, and good conversation. |
Acid Trip Better Planned Than Vacation #~# SAN LUIS OBISPO, CA— Jonathan Andriesko's weekend acid trip was better planned than his trip to Arizona last month, friends of the 22-year-old video-store clerk reported Monday. "Jon spent hours making sure everything was right," coworker Craig Jaeger said. "He requested two days off from work well in advance, rented 2001: A Space Odyssey, filled up his CD changer with Aphex Twin and Boards Of Canada discs, took the phone off the hook, stocked up on vitamin-C tablets, set up all the food he was going to need for the next 12 hours… You'd think he was planning a wedding." By contrast, Andriesko merely expressed vague plans to "get going sometime Saturday" before embarking on a mid-March trip to Scottsdale. |
Congress Threatens To Leave D.C. Unless New Capitol Is Built #~# WASHINGTON, DC—Calling the current U.S. Capitol "inadequate and obsolete," Congress will relocate to Charlotte or Memphis if its demands for a new, state-of-the-art facility are not met, leaders announced Monday. |
Sexual Tension Between Arafat, Sharon Reaches Breaking Point #~# JERUSALEM—The long-simmering sexual tension between Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon and Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat finally reached a breaking point Monday, culminating in a passionate kiss before a shocked delegation of Mideast negotiators. |
Worst Person Woman Knows Pregnant #~# JASPER, AL—Karen Brundage was chilled to learn Monday that Cora Damrush, the "single most selfish, ignorant, emotionally crippled person" she knows, is expecting a baby in November. "My heart skipped a beat—in a bad way—when Cora said she and Neil were having a child," Brundage said. "I can't even begin to tell you what a foul, miserable harpy that woman is." Brundage added that she wishes there were some sort of baby-shower gift that would save the unborn child from a lifetime of misery cowering before a dark and evil mother. |
Overweight Man Receives 'Lose Weight Fast' Spam E-Mail Featuring His Picture #~# HOUSTON—Jim Funderburke, a 240-pound accountant, was surprised to find a photo of himself in a spam e-mail for a weight-loss product Monday. "That's the last time I post vacation pictures on my web site," said Funderburke, 38, gazing at an unflattering image of himself in a bathing suit. "I'd like to be able to check my messages without seeing myself used as the online embodiment of obesity and overindulgence." Funderburke also expressed a wish to water his lawn without neighborhood teenagers calling him "Before Dude." |
Suicide Bombings In The U.S.? #~# According to intelligence officials, al-Qaeda or another terrorist group may one day attempt to carry out a suicide bombing on U.S. soil. What do you think? |
Help! Sandal Season Is Here, And My Feet Are A Mess vs. Help! I'm Trapped In A Burning Bus #~# Help! Sandal season is here, and my feet are a complete mess! I've got rough heels, ugly calluses, and ragged cuticles. Winter weather really did some serious damage to my feet. Oh, God, please, will somebody please tell me how to get these tootsies back in step for the beach? Somebody call 911! They're a complete disaster! |
Cannes 2002 #~# After 12 days of screening and parties, the 2002 Cannes Film Festival wrapped up Sunday. |
Man Blames Hangover On Everything But How Much He Drank #~# BETHEL PARK, PA—Speaking slowly and moving stiffly Tuesday, Pittsburgh-area resident Matt Van Duyne attributed his hangover to everything but the excessive amount of alcohol he'd consumed the previous night. |
Boss Alludes To 'Crunch Time' #~# MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Seeking to motivate his employees for a fast-approaching deadline, DCG Printing departmental manager Bryce Gillian referred to the following three days as "crunch time" Monday. "Apparently, Bryce thinks he has to get all of us psyched for the end of the Gymboree direct-mail catalog project," layout artist Pete Auriemma said. "If it would make him feel like he inspired us, I guess I could walk briskly between offices. That might help create a more 'crunch-timey' atmosphere." Auriemma said he is looking forward to Wednesday afternoon, when the project is expected to move from crunch time into "the home stretch." |
Look Out, Corporate America, Here Comes My Pirate Radio Station #~# If, like me, you're among the thinking few, you're pretty disgusted with what passes for radio these days. Turn anywhere on your FM dial, and you're likely to hear the sound of some enormous multinational media conglomerate anesthetizing the masses with its spoon-fed pablum. From Hot 96 to Z-104, these stations are all the same: pre-packaged, focus-grouped DJs selling a bill of false goods to lobotomized teens who don't know the difference between revolution and repetition. Even non-commercial, so-called "public" radio is just a cog in the Great American Money Machine. |