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I was born in Ottawa , Canada , then moved to Burbank , CA when I was about two . I entered kindergarten there . One noon - time I didn 't feel well so I walked home and ended up spending the next six months in bed with double pneumonia . I lost a whole term of school but soon made it up . We moved to San Jose not long after and I lived there through high school . I had three brothers and four sisters . We had a big family . I had an older sister , an older brother and then me and then the rest . In about 1936 my mother died from cancer when I was in school . I think I was about 13 . My father was an accordion player . His whole life was predicated on playing the accordion . He put up a 2 ft . by 3 ft . sign in front of the house advertising lessons . He wanted to teach people how to play but he never really promoted himself and so I don 't think he ever got a single job . Not even an inquiry . He used to do odd jobs but nothing steady . It was difficult for all of us with very little to go around . I always worked . When I was about 13 or 14 I was hitting a tennis ball against the side of a warehouse and I hit it up onto the roof . I put a ladder up against the gutter to go get the ball . Just as I reached for it , the gutter came loose and down I came . I broke my heel and my ankle . It never healed correctly and I had problems with it later when I was in the Army . A neighbor woman who liked me saw what happened and took me to the county hospital . After I got out of the hospital they took me in . She put a bed in the garage for me so that I wouldn 't have to climb any stairs . I remember when I graduated from grammar school that I needed to get three extra tickets for the graduation . I had to go in and ask the principal . Her name was Nellie O ' Brian , and she drove a pink Cadillac . She would drive up to the front of the school and wait until someone came to open her door for her . If no one opened the door in five minutes she would walk into the school and it would be a bad day if you had to see her . I had to go in and ask for the graduation tickets and she lit into me saying , " I 'm not going to give you any tickets . Why should I ? All the trouble you have caused over all these years . " And she was going on telling me how bad I had been when Ms . Green said , " Nellie , this is Walter , not Sonny " and she gave me the tickets . I once worked at San Jose High School for two weeks while the janitor was out for a vacation . A week before graduation they asked me if I would work while the janitor was gone . They gave me the keys to the whole school . Can you imagine trusting a kid my age with keys to the entire school ? They paid me $ 20 for those two weeks . When I graduated my brother graduated with me even though he was two years older . The $ 20 I earned was used to buy graduation clothes for the two of us . I met my future wife , Hazel Cuneo , when I was still in high school . She was working for the San Jose Mercury Herald , and I was delivering papers for them at the time we met . She was working in their accounting department on a new method of billing , and was also taking classes at Heald College in San Jose . The paper sent her to San Francisco as part of her training on the new billing system and because my grades were so good , I was able to take time off from school to go with her . Hazel was about a year older than me . Hazel was born in San Jose on Aug 6 , 1920 . Her parents were from Sydney , Australia . Her mom had worked as a seamstress with her sisters , and her dad was with the Sydney police . Hazel 's parents had lived in South America for a while in 1914 before they made their way to the United States . Her dad worked for Studebaker and her mother was a governess . When they arrived in the U . S . , they moved to Detroit , Michigan , where her sister Alice was born in 1917 . They moved to California about 1919 and ended up in San Jose , where her dad opened a car repair shop . When I graduated from high school in 1939 and I got a full - time job with J . C . Penney in San Jose , Hazel 's dad finally consented to our marriage just before I was sent to Hawaii for basic training . We were married May 17 , 1942 , and I shipped out five months later on Columbus Day . I worked for Penney 's until I went into the Army and went back to work there the day after I got home from the war . Hazel and I were coming back from a visit to San Francisco when the war broke out . When we got back to San Jose , every street corner had a military policeman on it . In addition to working at Penney 's at the time , I also had a part - time job with the San Jose Police Department . I worked holidays and nights and times like that . After the war started we had blackouts at night . You had to pull your shades down in your house and not use lights if you didn 't need to . Everyone also had to drive with visors over their headlights . I had to stop people and make sure they needed to drive , and that they had the shades on their headlights . I really didn 't want to go to war but I got a letter from Canada telling me that I could serve in the Canadian Army if I wanted to . I wrote back and told them that this was my country now , so I would serve here . I was drafted by the US Army after that . I think I was 21 . After I was drafted I was sent to Hawaii for basic training . That was in October 1942 . When I finished basic we took a test and my lieutenant , Richard Lambert , told me that he wanted to recommend me for Officer Candidate School ( OCS ) . The army has an enlistment grade system and I was a Grade 4 or E - 4 . I was told that I would be qualified to become a colonel . I told him that I was not interested in becoming an officer . I think I mentioned that I did not want to go to war and I was concerned that if I became an officer I would have to stay in the Army longer than if I was just an enlisted soldier . I still have his letter over there on the wall telling me that I qualified to become an officer . About a week after I turned them down , I was assigned to the 6th Army , 24th Infantry Division , 21st Regiment in the anti - tank cannon company . I was given the job of T Corporal and took care of all of the mail and stuff like that . The anti - tank company had 27mm cannons that we towed behind a jeep . When we traveled on ships we would strap them to the deck to give the ship more guns to shoot if attacked . We never had to use them . After I joined the 21st our company commander , Captain Riley , came to me and again tried to convince me to go to OCS , but I told them again that I wasn 't interested . He was a good man but he was transferred out of our company into the infantry . Another lieutenant was promoted to captain and became the company commander . As it turned out , this new commander was afraid to go to war . He kept trying to do whatever he could to not go . One day he said , " Rogers , I guess I won 't be shipping out with you guys because I had to have some surgery , " but he wouldn 't say what it was . I asked around and found out that he had been circumcised . They sent him anyway . Can you imagine going into war with a company commander who acted that way ? I was only a T Corporal but he left me in charge all the time . He would tell me , " Rogers , you are in charge , " and then he would disappear . How safe can you feel going off to war with a company commander like that ? While we were in Hawaii we were guarding the North Coast of Oahu . We were stationed at Kina Point and I was in charge of the PX . One day several guys decided that they were going to row a boat out to Kina Point . They asked me to come along and I did . There was no problem getting out there and no problem getting back until we got close to the beach and had to get through the surf . We tried several times but no one had experience doing that . Finally , everyone except me and another guy jumped overboard and swam to shore and took off . Well , I was a pretty good swimmer and so I tied a rope to my waist and jumped in . We figured that if we could get to shore we could pull the boat in . So the other fella stayed in the boat and I swam to shore . When I got there a sergeant came running up hollering that we needed to get the hell out of there . I told him that was what we were trying to do . I pulled that boat along the shore while the other guy steered it with the oars out in the ocean . There was one other area where there was no beach and I had to swim again . This was where the PT boats were docked and we were worried that they could come out at any time . We finally got the boat back where it belonged and the owner started giving me a hard time . I told him that if it weren 't for me , his boat would be out in the middle of the ocean . That shut him up . There was a guy in my company from Hawaii . He asked me to spend Christmas in 1942 at his place and I did . On Christmas day he asked me if I wanted to play some golf . I told him that I had never played golf . He said it wasn 't very difficult and that he would have me playing in no time . We were on about the ninth or tenth hole when I saw these huge loudspeakers . I asked him what they were for and he said that if they came on I should do whatever they told me to do . Just about then the speakers came on with some guy saying to clear the field , that there was a plane coming in . My friend told me to grab my bag and start running and I did . Just then a single - engine fighter came in and landed on the fairway right where we had been playing . Before we could ship out everyone had to pass a swim test . Since I was a good swimmer my CO told me to go out 150 yards and tread water . Then each guy in our company had to swim out and touch me and swim back . But there was one big Italian guy who played the accordion and he was deathly afraid of water . He said that when he was a kid he was out in a boat with his father and the boat flipped over . He said he almost drowned and that he didn 't like water after that . I told the CO to give me a chance to work with him … that I could get him to pass the test . I started with this guy in real shallow water and then had him follow me . When he couldn 't touch any more he started doing the dog paddle and he paddled all the way out and back . He was a really big guy but he did it . Shortly after that , we got our orders saying we were going to Australia . In 1943 we were sent to Rockhampton , Australia for amphibious training at a place called Camp Caves . We had to practice crossing rivers and they would set off dynamite charges to simulate battle conditions . We had to practice landing on the banks of the river and moving the anti - tank cannons off the barges . I remember seeing kangaroos for the first time - hundreds and hundreds of them . My wife 's mom was Australian and her sisters still lived there . I went to visit her relatives when I was in Australia . In the middle of the night something started to nuzzle my hand . It surprised me and I must have said something . They told me that it was their pet wallaby . We also used to go to the coast for holiday . A group of us would take the train but their equipment wasn 't very good . Once , the train had to make three runs to get up a hill . We would slide down and then they would try again . We finally made it . It was pretty amusing at the time . Once we had completed the training in Rockhampton , we were sent to Goodenough Island . The Japanese had been there but I think the Australians had already defeated them . The first night we all slept on the ground . The next morning a directive came down that we should not sleep on the ground because there was a red insect that would bite you and the bite could be fatal . We had to boil all our clothes in a solution and from then on slept in hammocks . A guy that I went to school with in San Jose was bitten and he didn 't make it . I don 't remember what that bug was called , but I saw a guy who was bitten . I was in the infirmary and he lay beside me in another cot . He ran a temperature of 105 degrees for five days . I don 't know if he lived or not because I was sent back to my unit . We participated in the attack on New Guinea . I remember the mosquitoes there - big ones , and lots of them . You could be covered from head to toe . We slept under mosquito nets , but they didn 't do that much good . I used to joke that the big mosquitoes would lift up the net so the smaller ones could get in to eat us . I ended up getting malaria . For the first three or four days while I was in the infirmary I could only see red . I had a terrible experience my first night in New Guinea . This is the hard part . We were in foxholes that the Japanese had dug . Normally , I would take my canvas leggings off . That night I put them back on . I don 't know why . Another guy by the name of Max came up to my foxhole and asked if he could join me . He had lost his rifle somewhere . I had my rifle with a bayonet and a knife that the guys at the sheriff 's department had sent me . On the handle it said , " To kill a Jap . " It was pitch black that night . You could hardly see your hand in front of your face . We were told that anything that moved was to be considered the enemy . This was my first combat and we were all scared . About eleven o ' clock someone started banging on a can and making a lot of noise . Said he was " Captain Chen . " We had no Captain Chen in our company . I gave my knife to Max . All of a sudden these two feet came over the edge of the foxhole . We pulled the guy in and I held him up against the side of the foxhole as he struggled . I hollered at Max , " Does he have dog tags ? Feel for his dog tags , " because you were told to always wear your dog tags . Max said , " No he doesn 't have dog tags " and so we … we gave up on the idea that he might be an American and we killed him . This is the worst experience I have ever had in my life . Well , the guy was a GI . He was drunk . Apparently he found some sake in his foxhole . He had taken off all of his clothes except for his undershorts and was banging on that can . They always told us to keep our dog tags on , but a lot of guys didn 't . They should make guys keep their dog tags on . That is the only way you can tell for sure that it is a GI . They don 't emphasize that enough . Early the next morning there was some shooting going on . Max and I decided to move to another foxhole where our sergeant was . We asked him if we could come over and he said , " Sure , come on . " Max went first and had no problem . I started to get out of the foxhole , and the muzzle of a rifle was right in my face . It had just been fired . I yelled " American , American . " I could smell the powder from that gun having been fired . Whoever it was didn 't shoot me , and I made it over to Max and the sergeant . As I said , we were an anti - tank company with 27mm cannons . I was on patrol when we came on about 25 Japs bathing in a pond . There was a Jap tank there too . They were having a good old time like nothing was going on . I think they thought they had control of the war . We went back and brought up the cannon . We started firing with our rifles while the 27mm fired on the tank at about point blank range . We hit the tank and destroyed it . Most of the Japs were killed . I think two or three got away , but the rest were killed . One day on patrol we came across a wooden building . I went into one of the rooms and found a quart jar of liquid . I didn 't know what it was , so I threw it out the window . A great , big cloud of white smoke went up . The Japs were using that cabin to make explosives . I heard this crunching sound in the other room . I went in , and some of the other guys were knocking the gold teeth out of the dead Japs . I think they had been dead for a couple days . The Japs had a lot of gold teeth , and some guys would collect the gold . I just got out of there . On the road to Hollandia we came on these 4 - by - 12 timbers on the road . I told our guys " Hey , the natives don 't have 4 - by - 12 timbers . " So we took a shot at them and the whole road blew up . I wouldn 't be here today if we had run over them . We captured the Hollandia air base . I don 't recall that there was much fighting . After the war , the Queen of Holland gave everyone a medal for the capture of Hollandia . We were also recognized by the President of the Phillipines after the war ended . Those are some of the medals on the wall there . The entire 24th was sent to the Philippines after that . I think the whole 6th Army went . We landed at a different location on Leyte than the main part of the 24th . The 21st was sent to the Panon Straits . We were there for a short time , and then we were relieved by one battalion of the 32nd Infantry . We were sent up to rejoin the rest of the 24th who had landed at Carigara Bay on October 20 , 1944 with the rest of the 6th Army . We arrived right at the end of October , and were sent to relieve the 34th Infantry at a place they later called Breakneck Ridge . Historical note : The 21st was sent to relieve the 34th Infantry at Breakneck Ridge on November 5 . The battle of Breakneck ridge , conducted by the 21st through December 14 , became one of the decisive battles for Leyte Island and the Philippines . On November 8 the island was hit by a typhoon accompanied by torrential rains and extremely high winds , preventing both naval and air support for the 21st , while turning the jungle slopes into deep mud . The Japs tried to drive us off the island one night not long after we arrived there with a major air raid . I think it started on October 24th and lasted for three or four days . Bombs were landing all around us . The sky was red . There was nothing we could do . I had to get under the axle of a one - ton truck just to avoid all of the shrapnel that was coming down . A lot of guys were killed and there was a lot of damage . There was already a major battle going on at what became known as Breakneck Ridge when we arrived . It was mainly the infantry fighting their way up a steep mountain road . We brought our anti - tank guns forward but we didn 't see any tanks . We ended up positioned near the medics to defend them . It was close to the airfield . I remember we took seven hand grenades and tied them to trees and then ran a string to another tree . It was a trip - wire device and the grenades were in cardboard boxes . A typhoon hit us one night . It was raining so hard that you couldn 't see much . In the night , those grenades started going off and we started firing our anti - tank gun and everything else into the darkness . We just kept firing . In the morning , we realized that those cardboard cartons had gotten wet and they set off the grenades . Those guys in the medic tent must have thought they were going to die that night with all of the explosions and firing we did . When the typhoon hit we really couldn 't do much . Colonel Verbeck took over command from Colonel Weber at Breakneck Ridge . I remember Colonel Verbeck . We received a letter of commendation from him after the war for the 63 days in combat we later spent on Mindanao . We were protecting the air base . They used to fly reconnaissance planes at night and land them right at daybreak in the morning . One night , there was an oil truck out on the runway doing some repair work . I guess the tower forgot to tell those guys in the air about the truck . One of the planes came in for a landing and did not see the truck . They flew right into it . There was a huge explosion . Everyone was killed . I remember another night that the Japs tried to blow us off the island . We were hit with constant artillery fire and started returning fire . I was a gunner that night . There was so much noise that you couldn 't hear anything . I was standing next to the breach telling the guys to fire . I yelled , " Fire the son - of - a - bitch ! Fire ! " They yelled , " We 've already fired . Put another shell in ! " One day , I heard two planes come over and I said , " Those are Japanese planes . " The guys said , " No , Rogers , those are our planes . " I said , " No , they 're not . Listen to those engines . We need to shoot them down . Get the machine guns and shoot at them . " But they wouldn 't listen to me and we didn 't fire on them . About 20 minutes later we received a radio call and they told us that those two planes dropped 28 Jap paratroopers about two miles behind our lines . They got all of them , but they still wanted us to send out extra patrols . They all had brand - new equipment too . After that , the guys listened to me . You could tell the Jap planes because the engines weren 't synchronized . They sounded like washing machines , a lot different than our planes . We were taught that in basic training , so I don 't know why the other guys didn 't know that too . A lot of guys just did not pay attention , like the fact that they didn 't always wear their dog tags . They should enforce that more . Always wear your dog tags ! I remember the day the guys up front captured a Jap concentration camp . Walking down the road came six American nurses that had been in that camp , so thin you could see their bones . I felt so sorry for them . They still had their uniforms on , but they were very haggard . They just looked straight ahead as they walked past us . They never turned their eyes and no one said a thing . They must have had a horrible experience . I really felt sorry for them , and angry . Historical note : When MacArthur retreated from the Philippines in 1941 there were a number of American , British and Philippine troops stranded . This led to the infamous Bataan Death March on Leyte Island . These nurses were likely part of those left behind and later rescued . I became a naturalized citizen while I was in the jungle . One day they announced that anyone who wanted to become a citizen should come and review the papers that they would have to sign . So , I told them I was Canadian and they handed me a stack of papers . Most guys just signed them but I started reading them . A sergeant asked me , " Rogers , are you going to read all of that ? " I said , " Yes , I am . I don 't want to sign something that causes me to stay in the Army any longer than I have to . " He said , " No , there is nothing like that in there . " I took time to read them anyway . Historical note : On November 16 the 21st was relieved on Leyte by the 128th Infantry of the 32nd Division outside of the town of Limon after the victory at Breakneck Ridge . They remained on Leyte until April 17 , 1945 , when they were sent to participate in the assault on Mindanao . MacArthur had determined to take Mindanao before launching his assault on Luzon . The main 21st Infantry was sent by boat 35 miles up the Mindanao River to the town of Kabacan . The artillery and anti - tank companies were sent by road to Kabacan . I remember when we were in the convoy headed to Mindanao . I used to sleep on deck , under the canopy where they stored the ammunition for the deck guns . One night I saw a ship that was headed in our direction and I kept watching it . It got closer and closer and all of a sudden this sailor came running past me and got up on the bow of our ship . You could feel our entire ship shudder as they put it in reverse to avoid hitting the other ship . The other ship was a Liberty ship and was much larger than ours . As it passed , the sailor on the bow was pushing against the hull of that Liberty ship . It was that close . That sailor came walking back past me just shaking his head . I don 't think there was any radio communication because we were about to attack Mindanao . On Mindanao we had to fight our way in . We got in about 25 miles and got things pretty well under control . That 's when we discovered that we didn 't have the maps we needed , so I volunteered to go back and get them . I knew exactly where they were . I had to walk back because we didn 't have any vehicles to spare . I was okay when I was walking but when I stopped to rest , the ankle that I broke when I was a kid started hurting and really swelled up . I would just get up and start walking again and pretty soon it wasn 't so bad . When I finally got back to the landing area a guy told me that about 6 p . m . I would hear a whistle blow and that I should immediately get under one of the banyan trees . They 're the ones with the big wide roots . The whistle blew and I ran for a banyan tree . Just a short time later there was one heck of an explosion , the ground shook and stuff was landing everywhere . I was glad I was under that tree . We had been running out of supplies . We only had cans of cheese by then and we would eat one can for each meal . We finally did get supplies delivered and there was one case per squad . I probably shouldn 't say this , but remember the company commander I told you about ? Well , when the supplies came in he had them delivered to where his tent was located . Lieutenant Boyer was walking by and he saw the Captain opening all the supplies and taking things out . He asked him what he was doing and the Captain said he was removing all of the good stuff like the fruit cocktail and things like that . He said that the officers deserved to have that stuff . The lieutenant said , " I think I will eat with my squad . " Can you imagine being in battle with a company commander like that ? He was always hiding . I can recall that before we went into combat a medic came by and asked if there was anyone who did not drink . Somebody told him I didn 't . He said " Good , I am assigning you to carry this jug of whiskey . It is for use if someone is in shock and you can 't find a medic . " I didn 't want to carry that jug but I didn 't have a choice . We had a first sergeant who was a drinker , and he did everything he could to get at that jug . One day he got drunk on something . A lieutenant came to me and told me to get his rifle . You see , every time he got drunk he tried to shoot the lieutenant . When we found him they had to carry him back on a stretcher . He said , " Well , this is embarrassing , isn 't it ? " When we got back to his tent he immediately asked me where his rifle was . I told him I didn 't know . I told him it wasn 't my job to keep track of his rifle . He said he was going to shoot that lieutenant . That first sergeant was also a gambler , and he always lost because he was drunk . The other guys loved to play with him . One day he borrowed $ 20 from me and lost it , of course . Later when we were leaving Mindanao to go to Japan I said , " Sarg , what about the $ 20 you owe me ? " He didn 't have it but he opened his barracks bag and handed me a beautiful painting . I know it was worth a lot more than $ 20 . We were moving very fast when we were on Mindanao . At one point we had a company commander from another company tell us to slow down . We were moving up as fast as we could and I guess he was concerned that we were getting too far ahead of everyone else . We didn 't know . There wasn 't any fighting where we were at that time so we figured we would just keep going . By the time we reached Kabacan the city was already in our control , so we went to Davo next . By the time we got there it was the same thing . Then we were sent to clear a town called Mintal . We were sent around to the rear of the town and told to shoot any Japs that came out that way , but we never saw anybody . So we were sent to the airfield , the Libby Airdrome about five miles west of Davo City . Again , we didn 't see much action . I think the Japs had taken off by then . I 'm glad I wasn 't one of the infantry guys . They had to walk through this terrible grass known as " conga grass . " It was considered almost impenetrable , and both Americans and Japanese suffered from heat stroke as they attempted to find their way through it . It was very hot and you had to push your way through . You couldn 't see anything . We were in combat for 63 days on Mindanao . That is a long time to go without a rest . It was impossible to get sleep or to eat right . Finally a colonel came and told us it was time to relax and that they were proud of us . Some of the guys could not stand the quiet after all that time in combat . That 's when some of them would lose it . They couldn 't sleep at all . Not long after we were withdrawn from the fighting on Mindanao I got a terrible pain in my right side at about 5 p . m . I went to the sick bay and a doctor examined me and said I had appendicitis . He said they would have to operate in the morning . There were two doctors . One was from a well - known hospital back east somewhere and then another one to help him . They put up a curtain up so I couldn 't watch , but I was awake the whole time . When they got it out , I heard the head doctor say to the other doctor , " No wonder it hurt so much , look how big it is . " It took me about a week to heal and then I went back with my company . I was manning the radio when the call came that the war had ended . That was August 15 , 1945 . It should have been our captain who told everyone , but he was never around and I couldn 't find him . I told all the guys that the war was over . After the war ended the air corps began dropping red leaflets , thousands of them , telling the Japanese that if they came in holding one of those above their head that nothing would happen to them . One day an entire Japanese family … grandfather , grandmother , father , mother and five children … came in holding those leaflets above their heads . They didn 't speak any English . You could see they hadn 't had any food and were starving . We had them sitting in a line and brought out sandwiches . The guy with the sandwiches took them to the youngest child first but the grandfather stopped him and signaled that he would go first . So we gave him a sandwich and he tasted it and sat there for a minute . Then he nodded his head to say they were okay and they all started eating like they couldn 't stop . When we got to Japan we had to land on the beach just like we were attacking , even though the war had ended on August 15 and this area was secure by the time we got there . I heard that MacArthur insisted on landing this way even though I didn 't see the purpose . Then we got on a train to take us to our camp at a former Japanese headquarters . The last car on the train was loaded with Japanese citizens . They were clinging to the roof or anywhere they could grab hold . There were no buildings or trees or anything except a few pipes sticking out of the ground , and a few walls of buildings still standing . The train yards where all of the trains were was riddled with bullet holes . The room was stacked floor to ceiling with weapons turned in by Japanese troops and citizens . I saw a very nice little pistol , which I took . When we were headed back on the ship I met a guy who just had to have that pistol . I finally traded it to him for a sword and a rifle . My daughter Joan has the sword and I think my son Dick has the rifle . The ship - ride back was something . We were standing on the dock looking for our ship when a sailor pointed to this old beat - up ugly ship and told us that was ours . I didn 't think it would make it back . It was an old Liberty ship , a real pile of junk . I asked the guy if this was really our ship because I thought he was kidding . He said , " Yep , that 's your ride home . " Most of us slept in the hold . That ship would roll so much that our cots were sliding back and forth across the whole area . Turned out that someone had flooded one of ballast tanks by mistake and they were having trouble pumping it out . That ship rocked like that the entire way back to San Francisco . We had to eat on deck . One morning I heard that they were serving corn flakes , which we had not had in a long time , so I was the first in line . I got my cornflakes and walked out on deck and the wind was blowing so hard it just blew those cornflakes right out of my bowl and out to sea . I had to take my place at the end of the line to get another serving . I put a lot of milk on the next time . I had found a picture that showed the U . S . and Japan . I hung it on the wall and each day I would mark off how far we had come . Everybody would come to see it . We were all so anxious to get home . There was one guy who brought a monkey on board . The other guys told him that when we got to San Francisco that they would take him and that monkey and put them in quarantine for a month . So when we were about to come in he gave the monkey half an aspirin and it knocked him out . He put him in his barracks bag and I think he carried him right in . The first thing I did the next day was go out and try to buy a car . But cars were in short supply . Everybody wanted a car , so you had to have a car for a trade - in or they wouldn 't sell one to you . I didn 't have a trade - in but I finally found one that I could buy without a trade - in . By the time the war ended , all four of the boys from my family - my and my three brothers - were in the military . We all saw combat and we all made it back . I 'm the only one left now , though . All of my brothers and sisters are gone . The day after I got back from the war , I went back to work for Penney 's in San Jose as the mezzanine manager . They had set aside $ 15 per month for us while I was away , so I had some savings beside my Army pay . I was transferred to JC Penney 's Modesto store sometime in early 1948 ; I also worked part - time for the sheriff 's department in Modesto . The Modesto store was run by one of JC 's nephews whose name was Dick Penney . One day he told us that JC was coming to visit . We had everything ready at 11 a . m . when JC came in . We all went over to meet him and he shook hands with everyone . Then he asked , " Well , how you boys doing ? How is the store going ? ' And we said that it was doing well . And he said , " Well , it doesn 't look like it 's doing that great to me . I have been watching a lady over there for 15 minutes and no one has helped her yet . " We took the message and scattered . He was all about business . Hazel and I had three children . Linda was born in May 1948 , Joan in July of 1951 and Dick in August 1952 . Dick still lives here in Sonora , but Linda lives in Sacramento and Joan lives in Reno . Sometime around 1952 they were drafting people to go to Korea but because of the children I wasn 't called . I didn 't want to go back into the Army . I managed the Sonora Penney 's for about four years , but I always wanted to open up my own store . In November 1962 my wife and I opened Rogers Family Store . It was located in the street - level part of the Masons Building . I am a Mason but that didn 't have anything to do with putting the store there . It just happened that that was the only place available at the time in downtown Sonora . We operated the store for six years until it was announced that they would be opening the new Plaza shopping center . I told Hazel that the shopping center would be the end of downtown and that we should close the store . A lot of people asked me why we closed and I told them . I was right . Other businesses closed once the shopping center opened . New people tried to open shops downtown , but they couldn 't make it . I remember one couple that came from San Francisco and tried to open a men 's shop but they had to close it down in a year . We closed in 1968 . I had been in the sheriff 's reserve in Sonora with Fred Mitchell . Fred finally joined the sheriff 's department full time and kept trying to get me to join . Fred became undersheriff about the same time I opened Rogers Family Store . He always wanted me to consider letting my wife run the store and have me join the department . Well , when we closed the store I joined the department and three months later became lieutenant . Miller Sardella was sheriff at the time and Jack Litteral was running the jail . It was different then . I have to say that the sheriff 's department was in a terrible state . Miller never wore a uniform … I don 't think he owned one . He always wore a cowboy hat and boots . That 's the way he ran things , and it showed . At that time there were only two Sonora police officers on duty at night and one sheriff 's deputy . I remember one night I was on duty when someone spotted two guys on the roof of one of the buildings downtown . The Sonora officers told me to wait in front of the building while they went up on the roof . I was standing there and pretty soon this guy came running through the store toward the front and threw a tire iron through the plate glass window , then tried to jump through it . I had just been given charge of the jail when we had a jail break . There was a ring of keys that was carried by the jailer on duty . Jack Litteral had said that the keys only belonged to the jail cells . But when two guys broke out , they took the keys from the jailer on duty and escaped through the kitchen door , which was supposed to be locked . There was some suspicion that the door had been left unlocked and that they had just walked out . I did a little investigation and found out that the key ring also had a key for the kitchen door . I changed that . Those guys didn 't get very far . We found them across the street . I always enjoyed woodworking so after I retired I spent more time doing that . I made animal mailboxes and planters , which I sold at a store in Jamestown . I also built a scale model of Old Ironsides . It 's the model there on the mantel . I always enjoyed working with wood . Posted in Veterans History , WWII | Tagged 24th Infantry , 6th Army , California , Sonora , Tuolumne Veterans History Project , US Army , Walt Rogers , WWII Leave a Reply Cancel reply Your email address will not be published . Required fields are marked * Comment Name * Email * Website Notify me of follow - up comments by email . Notify me of new posts by email . Post navigation |
Its that time again . . . time to look back at what has been and look ahead at what will be . Every year on New Year 's Eve , Trevor and I go out to dinner and have our year in review . We talk about our favorite parts of the year , least favorite parts , what we look forward to next year . Every year I make goals for the coming year . I have been looking back at my list for 2012 and I can proudly say that I achieved just about NONE of them . Here 's the list : So . . . . am I disappointed that I went just about 0 for 8 . Not one bit . This year turned out way different than I had expected , so much happened that was not on my radar , not planned for and turned out to be WAY better than anything I could have thought I wanted . In January , I got a call from Rev3 , a triathlon company out of Virginia that was looking for a volunteer coordinator for their local Portland event in July . Trevor and I had been planning to participate in it , but the opportunity to work it seemed much better ! This one call would change the entire direction of our year . . . . we just didn 't know it yet . The first half of the year was really a blur for me . I was in denial about how much time and energy Asha was going to continue to take from me . We spent January , February and March dialing in her medication . This post called Trial and Error details just some of that . It was a really tough time on all of us . We were getting no sleep , we were stressed , tired and I was angry . . . . all the time . In April , we started going to see Dr Hope Valentine who practices Chinese Medicine . She put Asha on some herbs and gave her some acupuncture treatments . This was when things really started to improve , the combination of traditional medicine and " alternative " medicine was really helping Asha . Meeting Dr Valentine was a turning point for us . In May , we were able to take a fabulous trip to Maui for my friend Diane 's wedding . We were only gone four days , but it was well worth it . It was so relaxing and we got some good night sleeps , something that didn 't exist at home for us anymore . Later in May , we started food therapy for Asha . We changed her food and continued on with the acupuncture and herbs . We had THREE nights where she slept all night . But that hasn 't happened since . Around this time , I was at my lowest point . I felt like my life was totally out of control , things were getting better , but it was still chaos and mayhem and I wasn 't really seeing a light at the end of the tunnel . The idea that this was my life for the next 10 years or so ( Asha 's lifespan ) was so overwhelming . I missed my old life . I wanted to sleep . I wanted quiet . And I wanted to stop feeling like a failure . I remember one evening , Trevor was still at work , I layed on the guest room bed and cried . . . . I thought about where I would go if I were to leave . It kept coming back to this . . . . if I left , I needed to take everyone with me . It was the chaos I wanted to leave , not the ones causing the chaos . But that didn 't make me feel any better . I went on to tell Trevor all the things I was feeling . But it came down to this . . . . I felt like a failure because of Asha . I felt like she was showing me everything I hated about myself - especially my lack of patience and how selfish I was . I didn 't like who I was and I wasn 't sure I could keep going like this . Trevor pointed out just how patient I was and the fact that Asha was still alive and happy was actually a huge success . . . . we weren 't failing her . He suggested I started thinking about things differently and stop thinking of the person who I always thought I was . I had this same conversation with Dr Valentine a couple days later - how far we had come and the things we had done for Asha . This was really when things changed for me . I started to look at what we had accomplished instead of what we weren 't able to do . I was working hard on letting go of what I had wanted and accepting what I had , which was pretty amazing . . . . if I could just see it . From that point forward , I was much less angry about things . I was more accepting of myself , more forgiving and life got easier to manage . I needed a swift kick in the ass to stop feeling sorry for myself . I mean , really , if this was as bad as things got for us , we were doing pretty good , right ? I also felt less resentful of Asha . I mean , I loved her with all my heart , but there were times when I was really angry for what she had done to our lives . I had an email exchange with my friend Alaina around this time . She has a son with special needs and they have overcome so much more than anyone knows . She told me that we were lucky - that the Universe had chosen us to take care of these special ones . I wrote about that here Once I started looking at things a different way , my heart grew exponentially and I just had more to give to everything in my life . I started to go easier on myself . That helped too . With no sleep and lots of stress , training for much of anything wasn 't happening ! And deciding to work the one event we had hoped to do made it even more difficult . We did complete the Vancouver USA Marathon in June . I was proud to finish , it was a tough day ! In June , we entered Asha into the Oregon Humane Society 's Top Dog Contest and she won Fan Favorite . This was a great night for Asha and her team . Here is that story . Trevor had this third Mixed Martial Arts fight in June . He had planned to continue fighting this year , but our schedules just didn 't allow for the amount of training that has to happen to do something like this . You can run a marathon unprepared , but you shouldn 't go into the ring unprepared . August was the month of change . . . I don 't really remember much of the year before August . This was when we decided to start fostering . Since then we have had 9 cats and 7 dogs come through our home . We have loved them all as our own - one has even become our own . I cried when each was adopted . I was broken hearted when we had to say goodbye to our Jenny . We had hoped she would find a great home , instead , she was too far gone and so we let her go with dignity and will never forget her . In August we sold one of our stores . I remember thinking " I will have so much free time , what will I do ? " . Well . . . . I got hired at LA Fitness to teach cycling . A week later , I was hired as the part time volunteer services manager at the West Columbia Gorge Humane Society - you can read about that here About a week after I started at the shelter , I got a call from Rev3 asking if Trevor and I could come to Maine to help with a triathlon . We said yes and hit the road . Over the next three months we traveled to Maine , Ohio , South Carolina and Florida to work for Rev3 . I met the most amazing people , both the staff for Rev3 and the locals in each town . I was the volunteer coordinator and worked the info booth . I have never worked as hard as I did these weekends , with these people . Here is how that all went . In September , we traveled to New Jersey for my 20 year high school reunion . Trevor worked a triathlon in New York that weekend and came down for my reunion . What am amazing time . This was one of the highlights of the year for me . Its been a long time since I have felt so comfortable with myself . I wasn 't self conscience about anything - not about how I looked or what I was doing with my life or who I was talking to . I felt more like myself than I have in a long time . It was comforting to go back to where it all began to see the people who it began with . Next thing I knew , it was the holidays . And now its the end of the year . This has been the toughest , most rewarding year of my life . I have learned so much about myself . I have found my place in the world , figured out what I believe in , what I stand for and who I am . I know it will all change over time , but for now . . . I am at peace with things . Its been a long time since I have had that . I have met so many new people and reconnected with so many old friends . And so 2012 has been nothing like I expected or planned and that 's okay . I am looking forward to 2013 and what surprises it has in store for all of us . Happy New Year . About 10 days ago , I was at the shelter . There were some workers in the back and the dogs were making lots of noise . I kept hearing this strange bark . I can recognize just about all our dogs ' barks - each one is different and unique , but this one I had not heard before . I went back to check things out and there was Mercedes . A filthy , pathetic doggie , barking like a seal , laying in her kennel on top of some fresh poop . Her back leg didn 't work , she looked old and tired . On her kennel was the paperwork from animal control The dog 's name was Mercedes and she had been taken from her owner due to neglect . I cleaned up her kennel and spent a little time with her . As I was leaving the shelter , I sent a text to our executive director and my friend , Tamara . I said " there is an animal control dog here that will break you heart " . She replied " I know " . The next day , both Tamara and I were at the shelter and we were talking about Mercedes . Tamara was upset because she knew that this dog was in bad shape and that our shelter did not have the money to do what would need to be done to get her healthy . Plus , she was 13 years old . I am new to the animal rescue game and still very naive . So I wasn 't ready to give up hope . Tamara was being realistic and I knew that , but I just wasn 't prepared to believe this was as good as it could get for Mercedes . I took a video of her out in the yard and I sent it to a couple people I know . One owns a local special needs rescue and she suggested that we start working on Mercedes ' bucket list . I also sent it to Dr Hope Valentine at Balanced Pets NW in Portland . She is a chinese medicine doctor and has helped us quite a bit with Asha . Mercedes was covered in dirt . She had been in yard full of mud and dog feces . She had no food or fresh water . She would cry at night and was trying to dig her way out of the yard . I took her into the bathroom at the shelter and gave her a bath . She was such a sweet soul . Her deep brown eyes looked at me with gratitude . I washed her for about 15 minutes and she was still very dirty . It was tough for her to stand so long , so we called it quits for the day . Dr Valentine emailed me that night , said that she would see Mercedes at no charge and to bring her down on Friday . So Friday morning , Trevor and I went to the shelter and picked up Mercedes . I knew she wouldn 't go back there - she would stay with us until it was time for her to go to the next phase of her life , whatever that may be . We had a great visit with Dr Valentine . Mercedes responded well to the treatment and enjoyed the attention . Dr Valentine was hopeful that we could see progress and that Mercedes should have some more time ahead of her . She even offered 4 free treatments to anyone who adopted Mercedes . This was such great news . It gave all of us hope that better days were ahead for this sweet girl . We listed her for adoption and started searching for her forever home . Mercedes came home with us that night and was in heaven . She slept on some warm blankets and ate good food , had clean water . She would jump off and on the deck on her own . She was happy and constantly smiling . She did fine with our other animals and seemed content to be inside . I couldn 't help but wonder when was the last time she was in a house instead of a muddy yard . Saturday morning , Mercedes went with me to the shelter . She layed in the office and greeted everyone who came into the shelter . Everyone wanted to pet her . She got lots of love and she really liked it . After our shift , we went to see our traditional vet , Dr Kepner . He did an exam and wanted to get some xrays . He found a tumor in Mercedes ear and said that she was deaf in that ear for sure . Both ears were infected and we agreed she was in pretty bad shape , but we would wait and see what the xrays said before we decided anything . I made an appointment for Wednesday . Trevor and I agreed that we would make these days the best days of her life . That meant lots of love , treats , help on and off the deck , snuggles on her blanket , resting in front of the fire place , calmness and peace . After a day , we realized that Mercedes was not the right name for her , she was much more a Jenny . Jenny , like in Forest Gump . She was born a healthy , good girl and life dealt her a crappy hand . She did the best she could and at the end of her days , she was shown compassion by Forest Gump . He loved her no matter what . That 's what we were going to do for our Jenny . She LOVED living in our home , she was always smiling , always wanted to be pet . If I sat down on the floor next to her , she would move over to lay her head in my lap or put her paw on my leg . She looked at us with such love and thankfulness . Wednesday morning came and we dropped Jenny off at the vet . They were going to sedate her and get some xrays . She had been making a lot of noise the last two days - howling , making the seal bark - I couldn 't figure out what she wanted , so I would just go lay with her . That helped some , but she was still very restless all the time . I had her sleep in a kennel two nights because I wanted to see how she would do , that way I could tell a potential adopter that she was kennel trained . She didn 't mind much at all . Later in the day , I got a call from the vet . They sounded very serious . A large tumor was crushing Jenny 's spine . They had intended to xray her entire body and once they saw that tumor , they stopped because nothing else mattered . The vet was surprised she could even move considering how big the tumor was . It was the reason her leg wasn 't working . She was most likely full of tumors , her hips were very deteriorated and she was surely in a tremendous amount of pain . She was sedated and he was recommending that we go ahead and euthanize her instead of bringing her out of it . We couldn 't reach my executive director and so I needed to decide what to do . I didn 't want this to be it for her , alone on a table , no goodbyes . I didn 't know what the right decision was , I wasn 't ready , but I didn 't want to be selfish . I called my friend Dr Hope Valentine , told her what was going on and said " would it be cruel for us to allow her to come out of sedation , bring her home and then in a couple days let her go ? " Dr Valentine told me that no , that would not be cruel and that letting her go in that way would be kind , giving her a couple more days of love would be kind . I wanted her to feel love for just a little longer . When she closed her eyes for the last time , I wanted her to be looking at the faces of people who loved her . So I called the Dr back and asked them to give us a couple more days . They put a catheter in so that when it was time , she wouldn 't have to go through that . They also said we shouldn 't wait much longer than a day . If the tumor were to burst , she would be in horrible pain . None of us wanted that . I got a hold of my executive director , Tamara and I told her what was going on . She said , " so that 's it ? they can 't do anything else " and then she started to cry . She said she would call me back in a minute . I knew she was doing exactly what I had done when I got the call . She was sobbing , head in her hands , sobbing . Crying at the loss of hope and dreading what comes next . She called me back and we agreed that giving her a couple more days was the right thing to do . She then went right to the vet 's office to see Jenny . Trevor was headed there too and would bring Jenny home . We were going to say our goodbyes on Friday morning , so we had two nights and one day to be with our girl . We had a lot of living to pack into those short hours . My heart hurt so badly thinking about saying goodbye . I was so angry at her previous owners who had let her get this bad and who had let her live outside in the cold and mud , who showed her no compassion or care . But I couldn 't focus on that , I had to give all my energy to loving her . The next two nights I slept on the floor with Jenny . I would have put her on the bed or couch , but she wasn 't able to be comfortable and there was more room on the floor . I piled the blankets high and put pillows all around her . She spent most of those nights with her head in my lap or on my chest . We gave her lots of treats - ice cream for breakfast and dinner . She loved that . Her last night , we built a great fire and we stayed up extra late . All of us , just sitting quietly in front of the fire . The dogs were all sleeping . Jenny would get up every now and then and resettle herself . She would wake up and look up at us , as if to be sure it wasn 't all a dream . She smiled a lot these last few days . She never seemed unhappy or bitter . It was clear that she was in pain and when she looked at me with those big brown eyes , she was telling me that she was ready to go . She had all she ever needed and now she could leave this world for the next . I wanted time to stand still . I didn 't want morning to come , I certainly didn 't want the end to be near . I wanted to just stay there on the floor in front of the fire , her head in my lap . I could have stayed that way forever and it wouldn 't have been long enough for me to give her the amount of love that she deserved . Friday morning came , we slept in , fed the dogs , gave Jenny some ice cream and then got in the car for our last trip together . I 've done this before with our animals and its impossible . Knowing that there are only hours , minutes left of life is a strange feeling . Jenny was calm the entire time , she enjoyed the car ride , looked out the window and finished up her ice cream . We met Tamara at the vet 's office . She was crying , we were crying and Jenny knew it was time . She walked right into the room and layed down on the bed that was made just for her . Jenny showed tremendous grace in life and she showed nothing less in death . She layed her head down and slowly , quietly slipped away as we all petted her and told her we loved her . And just as quickly as she showed up in my life , she exited and I will never be the same . She would have made some nice family an amazing dog . She should have grown up with some kids who would have played with her , thrown a ball for her , walked her and let her sleep in their beds . She should have played dress up and had costumes at halloween . She should have had a special collar and an engraved tag with her name on it She should have licked too many faces and eaten food off the counter . She should have layed in the sun and swam in a lake . She should have been in every family photo and on every holiday card sent . She should have grown old gracefully , gotten gray and gone a little deaf . She should have been able to quietly lay her head down and go to sleep for the last time with memories of all those good years in her head . But that 's not the life she lived . I know that Jenny loved her time with us , I could tell by how she looked at me , how she would rest her head against my leg while I was at the sink doing the dishes , by how she followed Trevor around and asked him for help getting on and off the deck . I can 't help but wonder if she was thinking " what took you so long to find me " . People say dogs don 't think like that , they live in the moment . I so hope that is true , I hope that in this last week , everything that came before was erased and all she remembers if love , kindness , compassion , patience and hope . She was technically our foster , but she was a part of our family and will be forever . I miss her . Its crazy to me that I knew her for 10 days and I am heartbroken over her . Her previous owners had her for 13 years and provided her with nothing . Sure , there are many greater injustices in this world . There is pain and suffering everywhere . All over the world people die , animals die , life is cruel . Jenny serves as a reminder to me that we all need to do just a little more for the world we live in . We all need to give a little more to each other , to the other creatures that surround us . That we all need to believe in something , we all need to stand for something . Whatever that is , find it and do it . We cPosted by A couple weeks ago , a friend of ours who owns a local special needs animal rescue ( Panda Paws ) , put out a plea for foster homes . She was going to take part in an animal rescue mission from California . Trevor and I thought that we could help and be a foster home for her . Then it occurred to us that I work at a shelter and maybe we could do more . I sent a text to my executive director who said that we had room at the shelter for either two dogs that could share a kennel or a bigger dog . Trevor and I agreed that we could handle two foster dogs , so we threw our name in the hat and quickly realized we were in for a crazy ride ! There was a rescue in California who had 70 dogs that they needed to get off their property . Otherwise , those dogs would go back to the shelters they were rescued from and most likely be euthanized . There was a larger rescue operation going on at the same time . A group called Wings of Rescue was planning to fly close to 350 dogs out of the high kill environment in Southern California . This is a group of pilots who volunteer their time , small planes and fuel to fly animals . They do this every year during the holidays and this year was going to be the biggest effort yet . So started the weeks of emailing , texting and phone calls . There were so many people , so many groups , so many logistical factors involved . It was a quite an effort . The flights were to take place on December 7th . Trevor and I were prepared for our two fosters . We would be meeting the plane to pick them up . One of our shelter board members , Mark , was going to pick up the other two dogs who were going to the shelter . Until the flight took off on Friday morning we didn 't know for sure what dogs were coming . Lucey - a 10 year old Spaniel Mix . She had been in the shelter and rescue for 2 years . She was adopted with another dog and that dog died , she really wants a companion and her family didn 't want another dog . Shilo - a 5 year old mix of something like Beagle / Cattledog / Pug . He was found in the yard of an abandoned home with no food or water . He is nervous about everything and scared . Two others come along for the ride and then went to our shelter for a few days until we found them a foster home . Columbus and Pocohantas . This son and mom have always been together . Mom was pregnant , found in an alley where kids were throwing stones at her . She was taken to a shelter where we delivered her pups the next day . All were adopted except Columbus . That was 4 years ago . They have been from shelter to rescue , never in a home . They will need special attention and will need to stay together . We were so excited to meet them ! Several other local rescues were at the airport to meet the planes and all the news media was there . I was interview on at least two TV stations . Here is a picture of me and Lucey talking to Channel 2 news ! We got the doggies home and started the work of making them feel safe and settled . I took them both to the shelter with me when I could and within a week , Lucey was adopted by a nice older couple . It was the perfect match . Shilo is still at home with us and is getting much better , he trusts us now but still bites at us when he feels afraid or unsure . I think a man was very mean to him . Its sad because he really loves Trevor and wants to lay on his lap and be by him , but he also gets angry if Trevor tries to move him or startles . him . We 've got some more work to do , but he 'll get there . This was such a great thing to be a part of . It was good exposure for our little shelter and it was nice to help out other in the animal community . We are so fortunate to live in a place where animal shelters are so well supported and funded , animal welfare is highly regarded . Its not as good as it could be , but its way better than most other places and for that , I am grateful . Posted by The Home for the Holidays program at West Columbia Gorge Humane Society was a success ! ! ! Here 's my last post about it . When I typed that blog , I didn 't have an update on DeeDee . I do now and people have been asking about it - so here you go . Our DeeDee had the time of her life on her weekend sleepover . A really nice lady came and picked her up on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving . I wasn 't there , but DeeDee told me she had leather seats and a girl could get used to leather seats . DeeDee LOVES to ride in the car , above all else , so this was a super treat for her . Her Home for the Holidays mama spoiled her rotten . She got to get up on the furniture and relax with toys . She went for walks and car rides . DeeDee came back to us on the Sunday after Thanksgiving and has not stopped telling us how great her weekend was . She came back to the shelter with many special treats and toys . She got a new pink collar and the most amazing pink sweater . She wears that thing like a Diva . I was at the shelter the other morning , just me and the dogs . Everyone was resting , snoozing on their beds and I kept hearing some ruckus coming from DeeDee 's kennel . I walked over to see what she was up to and there she was , in the middle of five toys , tossing each one around deciding what to play with . There was a concern that going home for a couple days may confuse or depress our doggies , but it has been the total opposite . They have more energy and excitement . It seems to have restored not only our hope , but theirs as well and it is SO evident . One of our most committed dog walkers commented that DeeDee looks better , happier , and her coat is more shiny . Sweet , sweet DeeDee . It was great to see that she still knows how to act in a home . Her time will come , I just know it and I can 't wait for her to find that forever home where she will be spoiled . Speaking of finding a forever home . Our boy Cutty has hit the jackpot . He too had a great home for the holidays experience . He was back at the shelter for a couple days and then we got a call . . . I will let the words of our most amazing Adoptions Coordinator , Leah , tell you the rest of the story : Petfinder and was sure he was perfect for her family . Once our emails started I received at least two emails every day from a very excited Cami sharing with me that her family included her husband Cory , herself and their twin 8 year old boys , they had a big backyard and more information to assure me who they were . She also asked many questions about Cutty being sure to let me know that they definitely wanted to meet him but were just curious . Originally the meeting was scheduled for 4 : 30 this afternoon but Cami and Cory were so excited they asked if we could move it up to 3 : 30 . Cutty was in the office with me when the family arrived . Earlier today Michelle had taken him for a nice walk and we had visited a little so he was pretty calm , then came the knock on the door . Cutty put his leash on and sat like a good boy until he saw the boys and then he just had to come give them kisses ~ and they LOVED it ! ! We spent some time in the office chatting while the family slipped Cutty a few doggy treats . Cory asked about Cutty 's adoption fee and when I told him it was already paid he asked if we would accept a donation . Absolutely ! The boys and I went into the kennel to see the other dogs while Mom & Dad spent some alone time with Cutty . When we got back to the office we had Mom , Dad & Cutty head back to the play yard with us . We chatted a bit and then I went back to the office to let the family get to know Cutty . These people were wonderful ! They had owned a pit bull before and were so understanding and asking all the right questions . After a bit I went back to check on the family in the yard . Opened the door to see Cami sitting on the bench , Cutty had her pinned against the wall kissing her and everyone was laughing : o ) The family asked what we had to do for him to come home . We his name on . One of the boys asked to hold it and he held on to that harness and leash the whole time until we put it on Cutty . The boys were so good with him and if they got a little rambunctious Mom or Cory was right there to gently remind them to settle down . Cory was nervous about the home visit but I assured him I just needed to be sure the home was safe for Cutty . We headed out and I told Cutty he would ride with me , one last time . Cory had told me at the office we would be going clear out to Felida ( NW Vancouver ) and he was assured it was no problem . No way Cutty was spending another night in the shelter if he didn 't have to . When Cutty got in the car his leash was removed because he chews on them in the car , it was placed on the front seat . Then I remembered that the blinds in the office were open so went back to close those , came back to the car . We followed out to the house and I reached for the leash to put back on . Where was it ? I know I put it in the car and took it away from him , what happened ? Looked in the backseat and there it was , half chewed through . When I went back to close the blinds he had gotten in the front seat and taken it back . A parting lesson from Cutty ! house is a split level . Cory 's Mom lives in Stevenson and does not like to travel in snow so she stays downstairs when it snows . This is a to introduce the dogs and handle it but still told him that Katie or I would be very , very happy to help with that . He was planning on taking Cutty out to his Mom 's and taking the dogs for a walk . This is the only possible stumbling block I see . The attached picture of the family does not include Cutty because he was SO excited to wander around and check things out . He was very happy to play with the boys and smother them with kisses , stopping to visit with Cami , Cory and myself from time came and snuggled me a little so I could say goodbye , I reassured him that this was going to be wonderful and he had waited a long time but they had found him and it was all going to be good now . I thanked Cory and Cami , asked them to call me anytime for anything . Told them we should give it at least a week but anytime after that they should let me know when they wanted to finalize the adoption . They thanked me and I headed for the door . Cutty beat me there and was waiting for me . I rubbed his ears , kissed him between the eyes , assured him again that he should stay and it would be wonderful , told him to go see Cami who was sitting on the stairs with one of the boys . He started up the stairs but as soon as the door was open he came back to me and I just gently pushed him back in , telling him it was going to be wonderful , I promised . Now , these words for Leah hit me in the heart because Leah has been Cutty 's biggest fan . She has worked with him , trained him , taken him to pack play , taken him home , let him be around her dogs , she always brings him in the office with her . When Leah would walk in the front door of the shelter , even though he couldn 't see her , he knew . He loved her the most . He loved all of us , but there was a special bond between the two of them and so even thought Cutty was in the shelter , he was a part of a family . He was part of our family and he thought Leah was the head of our family . Cutty came to us last December , so he was in the shelter for 11 months . It would be easy for a dog to loose themselves , to forget how to be a dog . I won 't lie - there were times when Cutty was obviously depressed . We could tell that he was getting sad and loosing hope . We 'd all make an effort to spend more time with him and give him extra love . It has to be hard to watch other dogs come and go while you remain . Just because he 's a dog , doesn 't mean he doesn 't know what 's going on and it certainly doesn 't mean he doesn 't have feelings . Well . . . I believe Cutty had to wait so long because his family just wasn 't ready for him yet , they hadn 't found their way to him . But now they have . We get updates every couple of days and it sounds like Cutty is settling into the place where he will live out the rest of of his life . There are many hard and sad days at the shelter . Then there are the days when dogs like Cutty get adopted by families like this . Its all we can hope for every one of our dogs and cats . When they arrive at our shelter battered and bruised , sad and neglected or just not wanted , I always tell them not to be sad - this is the place where their lives begin . Our shelter is almost entirely volunteer run . There are three of us paid staff ( all part time ) . So the people responsible for getting things done around here are doing it from the heart , not for the paycheck or the glamour . These volunteers pour their hearts and souls into these animals . There are many tears cried , countless sleepless nights and many heartbreaking days . Of course , there are many amazing days , but its not easy work . We are so fortunate to have such a great team . Cutty was fortunate that we had such a great team . And while we are awesome , we are not unique . . . shelters all over the country have teams like ours . Incredible things happen every day without any fanfare or accolades . The hard work happens no matter how many people see it . Please visit your local shelter . Adopt , foster , volunteer , donate . We all have something to give . Give it . . . . give it now . |
Now and then , at really aimless moments , I still look for a trace of Geoffrey on the internet . There is nothing except some comment he made on a Bob Dylan fan site almost 20 years ago . Otherwise nothing . I have even wondered if he was a threat to his two young nieces , born after my time . I have seen Geoffrey 's sister 's profile on Facebook - a lifeless profile , so constrained - and seen the profiles of the two adult daughters . Even from this great distance I can tell that one is more troubled than the other . I remember Geoffrey liking white cotton underpants and small breasts and I have made the leap to wondering if what he really wanted was a little girl . In those harsh summer months back in 1977 when he had started his out - in - the - open affair with HB , a writer much older than either of us whom he 'd met in a writing class , I took to reading his black and white copy book journal that he kept in the bottom drawer of the tall black bureau brought from - and still smelling of - - his childhood apartment . I read Geoffrey 's awkward stick - figure handwriting , pages of it , looking for clues to who he was , always with the approach of admiration . Geoffrey was an enticing mystery to me then . I wanted so much to enter and be at home in his world . I 'd been trying for years . Though sometimes I gave up , preferring my own world more and more . In the journal I read of a memory of his of being a child and being in bed with an older boy who showed him how to jerk off . Something like that . Sexual . With an older boy . He had never told me this story . I used to dress in white tee shirts , no bra , and Levi 's , no make - up , long hair parted in the middle - it was how he liked me best and how I felt the best too . His sister , who is now a shrink in LA , was a provisional friend . First of all , the two of them were so tight I had to find a way to fit in . During the first few weeks of meeting this new boyfriend he took me to his childhood apartment where he 'd lived all his life . The apartment was in disarray , its three occupants all moving on - Geoffrey , his sister , their mother . His sister was on her way to college . She sat on her bed amidst half - packed suitcases as the three of us hung out , Geoffrey and her making jokes , me trying my best to be part of this circle I was so new to . Part of the challenge was that his sister did not have a shirt or a bra on . She sat on her bed , folding laundry and chatting with her large breasts fully exposed . I could sense that Geoffrey liked her toplessness for the coolness it implied and I did my best to take it in stride . There was a lot of laughter between Geoffrey and his sister , as if they could not be together unless they were laughing and I learned quickly how to crack the right jokes when I was with them to earn my keep . Much of their banter came from Geoffrey teasing her . Much of it came from her picking up the thread and teasing herself before he could get to her . Geoffrey was the prince of his family : the smart Ivy League boy . She was the girl , more plain of face , assumed mediocre though hard - working , who would have to fend for herself . Even her eventual PhD would never be able to compete with what we all took to be Geoffrey 's natural talents . Once Geoffrey 's mother , long and far removed from his life , a chain - smoking alcoholic from and living in Mississippi played a tape for me of Geoffrey as a little boy . He was saying , " Toy , toy , " and the grown - ups were laughing and saying , " No , Geoffrey , that 's your little sister . " " Toy , toy , " he kept insisting . When I first met him - me 18 , he 19 - he was so much more in command of his life than I was , a life with so much more contained within it - divorced parents , a stepmother , a stepbrother , a half - sister plus New York City apartments , a house in the Hamptons , possessions , friends . I had none of these things , my life so contained by my small family and its poverty . All I really had was reading and the dream of writing . Geoffrey already had a typed manuscript , a full novel . It didn 't matter that I didn 't like his book , that I didn 't like that he chose the title by lining up a few phrases that he liked the sound of and asking me to pick one . I chose " Pure Effect , " slyly giving my comment on the content . But he had written it . And he liked it . And I couldn 't write anything without tearing it up . Then he was young with a quick tongue and it was all going to happen for him in the future . And now we are in that future and I am pretty sure it has not happened for him . I imagine him in shadow and alone with no more youth to protect him . Everyone else really did grow up and get a life . Geoffrey never thought he would have to . I imagine he still laughs at the expense of others and keeps the steel chains across his character and history firmly in place , making him dangerous , vicious and someone I now know better than to go near . Posted by My mother says that my sister will go to Hungary in the spring to visit our aunt , my father 's sister . Uh - huh , I say , blandly , and don 't think about it again until tonight when I am driving home in the dark and the rain , railing against the black heavy curtain that falls like lead in the middle of the afternoon . Early darkness has never bothered me before . I thought back to London in the late 80s , just this same time of year I was there , walking every day through parks , looking at everything with pleasure - the colors of wet bark and brown grasses , noticing that the days were short - " the sun goes down before it comes up , " I quipped - but it didn 't touch me the way these fall days do , and I rail against what can 't be changed and feel like I am in prison . You can spend half the year in the other hemisphere and have it be summer all the time - it 's not the cold that bothers me , it 's that impenetrable darkness that says , " It 's over . " We brought a little black dog home last week and after naming her and really thinking for 24 hours that we had a new dog , we realized we could not sail the rough seas of bringing a new and young dog into our home . And so we gave her back . I like to think she had fun with us - a couple of long walks in the woods , a wonderful time digging up the foam cushion in the window seat , and working it out with the cats . We had to give the little black dog back , sheepishly . That Sunday , surrounded by dogs who needed a home we had wanted to take two , but they had rules against that , and then even the one had been too much . We plan a trip to Florida , a place for which Fred has had nothing but scorn ever since I 've known him . " The two worst writing topics , " I 've heard him say , " are ' money ' and ' Florida . ' " And now we find ourselves planning a trip there because for several years we have said we must go South and get some heat in February , and year after year we don 't do it . I haven 't been serious about it for one thing , but this year it seemed crucialMartaSzabo TAKEN BY SURPRISE Last week Polly said how she had only just now really noticed that Tamar is not in the workshops anymore . " You must feel bereft , " she said . I do . Very much . In a way I have never felt before . I have never really grieved before . My heart has not been touched by death like this before . And part of me can hardly believe these feelings are real . We had Tamar for 10 years . It seemed like almost no time at all . I walked with her a thousand times on the Comeau property , the stretch of woods near the house and often I thought how one day I would have to survive her dying , but no matter how much I steeled myself to be ready , even when she was just three and four years old , it seemed distant and unreal . Although her time with us feels like a snap of the fingers now , it was enough that she is still embedded here . When I step in the front door I expect her presence , when we plan a trip to Brio 's I automatically think three of us are going , and when the room gets quiet for writing she is for me especially absent , her warm black form . No head on my foot . I have never in my 57 years cried over someone 's death . And one or two thoughts of Tamar can easily do it . I have dreamed of her three times . Fred and I both feel ready to invite another dog here . I do dearly want another dog . It will help , not to forget Tamar , but to let life keep moving . Even on her last day , a Friday , when I knew it was her last day , it was impossible to take it in . I cut the grass , I gave her a raw egg to eat , I asked Maritza , who came to clean , to please go back home , and for the last 45 minutes I sat with Tamar as I read a book . When it was time to go to the vet she tried to elude me , going to her green cushion . I had to pick her up , go against her will . But she had become that way about most car trips . As we drove down the curving road of Sawkill , I watched her in the mirror as I always did . She sat with her nose near the open window . As a young dog she used to stand and hang her whole body out the window as we drove . Lately , it had juMartaSzabo I was leaving . It was morning . I was leaving the little house , Los Angeles , California , my boyfriend of forever . I was slipping out almost without having to say , at least to the boyfriend , I am going , we are breaking up finally forever . Neither of us really believed it though I hoped so much that someone would take his place and thrust him into my past . But we were saying good - bye as if I were going on a trip . I stood on the porch and he stood in the doorway . We had come to L . A . and California and this house together , three years earlier , the little house with the wall - to - wall shag carpeting , stick - on squares of mirror on the bedroom wall , the Salvation Army furniture , the round piece of stained glass hanging in the bedroom window made by one of his two closest friends . It was one of Jeffrey 's most prized possessions and he 'd broken it one morning , throwing a shoe in fury as I left for work . Kelly and I went to work together each morning . She was blonde , wore a white nurse 's uniform , smoked , lived a few cottages down with Bobby . Boyfriends throwing shoes was normal to her . Fighting with boyfriends , love and hatred , seemed to be natural companions . You couldn 't have one without the other . Kelly and Bobby confirmed it . Their fights were noisy and crazed too . The fights , then the making up , then a little bit of calm . That was love . I had left the little cottage almost a year ago , moved across town in the middle of the night on the wave of a slamming - door fight , going to an apartment building I had picked out a few weeks earlier , going there and staying there and even sleeping with one or two others , but still it did not feel that we had fully separated . Though life was very different in my own apartment , a place where on Sundays I went to art galleries by myself , trying to find art that I liked , and never finding it , but always looking , always trying to see what others must be seeing . And in the apartment I was able to have a friend over now and then , always new friends , women I was hoping would become friends and they did though the friendship could only go as big as the short time we 'd known each other . One woman with strawberry blonde hair came and talked on my couch about the baby she had lost from crib death . I listened , I sympathized , though I had never heard of crib death and did not know anyone who had had a baby yet . Still , I felt at home with people who were sad . Buf came to this apartment and with her I laughed and got high and baked granola though there was always in our friendship something we could not ignore . She was Jeffrey 's sister . She , getting her PhD . In clinical psychology , liked to try and nail me . " You only want to be friends when Jeffrey is not around . " Both she and Jeffrey liked to nail you to the wall in the name of truth - telling . No , " I 'd say , but she was never convinced and neither was I . I wanted my life in the furnished apartment with the Murphy bed to be perfect , with weekends filled , a new boy in my bed , but these were hard things to accomplish . I had my camera . I had a black - and - white TV that sat on the floor near a mirror , propped up also on the floor . Wearing my favorite oversize black sweater , my long hair hanging down , I took pictures into the mirror , but didn 't like them much when they came back from the printer . And I took a several - week course in masturbation and had my first orgasm alone in the Murphy bed . This counted mostly as something I could report to Jeffrey , something I hoped would raise me in his esteem . So I was making progress , I thought , I must be . Though it did not feel like it . I liked Rose downstairs who ran the place . Ancient , in a housecoat , her hair dyed red , always with a cigarette going . The only other person in the building I met was the boy next door , clearly a Jeffrey - replacement candidate . I sat beside him on his bed one night , probably smoking a joint . " I 'd like to make a pass at you , " he said . I deflected him then , feeling like I already had a boyfriend , but returned on a night when I felt like I didn 't . I spent a half hour in his bed before returning to mine . When he asked to store his skis at my place I said sure , but when I left the apartment - leaving L . A . , leaving California , leaving Jeffrey - I did not tell him I was going . I wanted him to lose his fucking skis . My father always said I was Hungarian . My mother didn 't claim me in this way . To my father it was very important that I be a proud Hungarian like himself and for many years I followed his lead , being the daughter he wanted , sure that he knew what was best . And because I sensed early on that he didn 't like my mother much , was not proud of her when in the company of others , I followed suit there too , hyper aware of my mother 's social awkwardness , committed to not being like her ever . That was one level . On another level she was my mother , always present in a way my father never was . My mother almost prided herself on being , what she insisted on calling , a plain person - not flamboyant , not terribly interesting or talented . That 's how she would describe herself . As a plain person she did plain things , took us ice - skating in the woods on a pond , cooked plain suppers of hot dogs , mashed potatoes and boiled broccoli . The things my mother provided were plain , but they created a solid world that my father only highlighted here and there with a trip to the opera or a blue velvet dress . In boarding school at night - 9 years old - it was my mother I wanted , not my father . But that was only at night . Mostly , I didn 't want any of them . Driving home this evening I thought of the card I came across the other night , something my father had written to me a few years ago , something about wishing me well , sincerely . As I drove down 209 , past Kingston , I wondered again why his love for me didn 't get through , didn 't get across , and why I was so angry and disappointed in him even years after his death , that I can 't soften up . I thought of how hard he made me work . I wondered if I 'd had a kid if it would have been any better . Everyone says how hard it is to be a parent , and I see it everywhere . But I couldn 't , as I drove , really believe that if I were a parent I wouldn 't find a way - maybe just once or twice - to be with my kid , to get across to them that I supported them , that they could count on me . SomethiMartaSzabo I was driving when he texted again . I glanced at the solid block of words , got the gist , kept going . My mind was made up . There it was . I could practically see my mind and its certainty . The answer was no . You cannot have your money back . I don 't believe you . You 're bullshitting . No . So why did he come asking for the money only last night , why had there been no response to our letter last week saying that we would not return his security deposit ? To at least partially compensate for the FedEx package he had lost that contained Fred 's newly repaired hearing aid . Fred wanted to just hand the money over and be done with it . And the night before I had finally grudgingly agreed though the idea of giving that man $ 500 threw me into the kind of extreme emotional turmoil that reminded me of how I used to feel 35 years ago during fights with Jeffrey . I had said ok , had driven to the ATM , taken out the $ 500 , brought it back , put it in an envelope , placed it on the table , held in place by the small solid ivory Buddha that is always so handy for holding things in place . Then I 'd gone into the bathroom and cried for a moment as though my heart were breaking . Fred was doing the dishes , letting me be in my world while he was in his . I sat down to my computer , came upon an email offering a workshop . I read the description , my interest growing . Everything was fitting into place - the teacher , the subject , the date , the price . I hadn 't signed up for a course in anything for years and years . The prospect gave me joy , gave me a feeling of moving forward , away from this struggle over $ 500 , over what was fair . And in the morning , driving to work , when one more text came from our ex - tenant I ignored it . I had promised Fred that if Christian wrote to me again I 'd refer him to Fred who would give him the money , but yesterday morning I did not want to . I had thought I could but I could not . " You need the money , my ass , " I thought , thinking of this child - like man , playing the part of a poor man , playing innocent . I didn 't want to contribute to his theater production . And all day I hardly thought about it . Things with Christian often disappeared of their own accord . He forgets from one day to the next what he has said . Maybe he would storm our house that evening . Just having the money there , should I change my mind in his presence , felt like enough of a conciliatory move . He did not come last night . His dramatic noon deadline came and went . Good , I thought . Perhaps it 's done . And we didn 't have to give in to him . He believes he is entitled to that money . He 's not trying to fool us , steal from us , he sincerely believes it . Money is filthy . I am fighting over money . It is polluting . Better to give the money than run the risk of being wrong over this . He is a child , a middle - aged child . He should be willing and eager to compensate us for the hearing aid , but guess what , he 's not . Losing the package was an honest mistake , not something he did on purpose . I get up . I find Fred . " I 'm having new thoughts , " I say . Fred is eager to follow this path . It 's what he has wanted essentially from the start , though his reasons feel a little different than mine . I don 't argue these fine points . I text Christian that he can come the next day for the money . I don 't apologize . Part of me wants to , wants to be present when we return the money , wants to do full penance , but I follow the natural pacing that I feel is almost being dictated to me . And there is too a sense that I can only wash myself as clean as the circumstances I have created will allow . Posted by I have the evening off . Fred is in the living room , his headphones on , leading the telephone workshop and there is still some light left in the day , though it is cool , not a pure summer night , but an evening with just enough summer in it to call me outdoors , to leave the dishes behind and just walk out into the evening . I have always loved to do this in summer , to wander into town after dinner when it 's warm and still light , but this summer it became almost an addiction . Tonight I walk more quickly than usual , hoping to get to Taco Juan 's before it closes , which it does whenever the string of customers dries up which could be early or late . But if I can get there on time I can get an ice - cream . I don 't even really want an ice cream tonight , but I want the goal and because it 's been an integral part of so many evenings in the past . There is something about the cone that rounds out the stroll , and so I rush along , aware that I am missing half the joy of my walk because I am not pausing to look in shop windows , I am not savoring the air , not taking it all in . I am rushing . I see a light up ahead at Taco Juan 's that gives me hope and as I approach I see the heavy manager / owner guy sitting outside on a bench . He has grey curly hair and glasses . You can still see the youth in his face , but I don 't know his name and have never seen him smile . " Thanks for still being open , " I say , hoping to open some kind of friendliness with him . " Don 't be so sure , " he says , so that my ice - cream anxiety returns and I worry that though the door is open and all the lights are on , the person behind the counter might still turn me away . She 's a nice woman behind the counter . She appeared towards the end of the summer , not one of the kids , older , motherly , warm . Her hair is bound back with a scarf . A small boy ahead of me asks for Caramel Cream and as she goes to scoop it for him she asks him if he likes that flavor and solemnly he tells her yes . I get my Killer Chocolate scoop and go back out into the evening . Now I can MartaSzabo I sit on my father 's lap at the kitchen table , facing him . It is evening , after supper and it 's just him and me . His face is large , more square than round , up above mine . I bend my head a little to look up at him , his eyes , laughing eyes , are cast downward to meet mine . We are playing a game . My father points to his eye and I try to remember the Hungarian word . Usually I can 't remember and he must remind me , laughing , though I like it best when I do remember . Then he points to his nose , then his mouth . Some of them I can always remember , some are hard , like ear and neck . Hungarian people come to our house sometimes . They are my father 's friends , mostly , that my mother has made friends with , sort of . My mother is always on the edge of these small parties in our living room where the men wear suits and the women wear skirts . They drink drinks and talk in Hungarian and if I am lucky Robert Major , who has grey hair , will do coin tricks for me . Sometimes I sit amongst them , looking at the way they across their legs . I look at my own legs that stick out straight when I sit in a chair . I would like my legs to be adult enough to at least bend over the edge of the chair . I try crossing them anyway . I would like my mother to blend in better somehow . There is a way that things could easily fall apart and my mother is the fault line , the place where the seam could break . If she could be different , part of the other side of the fault line where my father lives and where things seem to be bright and move easily . She would be less serious . Her face would be younger . She would be more girlish instead of often wearing shorts and sneakers and kneeling in the garden . She would not pull leaves off bushes as she walked to chew on them . But is it not like that . My mother sits on an arm of the couch while the others chatter . This is not her place like it is my father 's place . Her place is out in the woods . He tells me the story with the big smile he has when he is pleased with himself - happy and proud of who he is and how nobody else is like him . He waltzed another lady - of course not my mother . Of course , someone else . His eyes are focused outside the house . People beyond us get his attention . He does turn back and gaze at us - me , my mother , my little sister - from time to time , but my mother is never dressed right and my little sister is a duplicate of her , on the edge and shy . Then there is me , and him . His eyes light up as they meet mine and make me feel that I can do the things he does . Maybe . Almost . If I am to hold his gaze . Posted by I wonder about this over and over . Once , my father wrote to me during his last few years , asking to be more in touch . " We used to be such good friends , " he wrote . This was only true when I was a little child . It was true until the time he and I were out on a walk , a common thing we did together . Since I was a little kid riding on his shoulders , my father had taken me with him on long weekend walks , walks that always felt much too long , my feet hurting . My father always talked on these walks - telling me the history of Napolean , or how the Germans and then the Russians came through Budapest , about the bombs , or about how when you went to visit someone in Budapest before the war and they were not home , you left your card with one corner bent over . There were certain things my father loved , and bending the corner of a visiting card was one . The visiting card itself was another . The things he loved usually involved other people , or Hungary , or Switzerland . They were customs and habits from other places or things other people had said . They were never things here at home . On this day he was talking about the Pope and my father asked me a question . Not an unusual question , but I did not like the feeling it gave me . I didn 't like that I knew I had to answer it in a right way , that my father was waiting to assess my response . So I just shrugged . It was always a mix after that , a mix I did not know what to do with except to pretend it was not there . Suddenly I noticed I did not like my father coming home on weekends , his arrival an unwelcome interruption , the way he poked his head in at the door of my mother 's room where I was watching my weekly show . No , I did not want to talk to him right then , did not think it was funny when he made fun of what I was watching as if anything I was doing just for fun proved I was stupid . He asks me to help him clear the woods on the weekend . It is a few years later , a different house , and my father likes to clear all the woods behind the house - to " make a park " he says with excitement . I don 't want to turn our woods into a park . I want to listen to Bob Dylan , but I must go out and labor beside him or pull weeds from the path of pure white gravel that leads to our front door before the guests arrive . And though I know I am still his favorite company over my mother , over my sisters , and though I still look forward to our Saturday evening trips to Lincoln Center , dressed up , as soon as we are in the car alone I feel the wall rise up , the way it rose up when he asked me a question on that walk when I was twelve , and I don 't trust him , cannot speak to him beyond monosyllables because I know he wants more from me , always more , and it makes me feel like not giving him anything . It is the only way I can give voice , or at least a little voice , to this anger that is not allowed . Anger , especially around my father , is not allowed . It 's one thing - - one of several things - - my mother gets wrong . She gets mad at him , at us , she yells , she loses it . We tiptoe around her so she won 't explode . So I must not explode . That 's for sure . At least I can please my father that much . It 's one thing I can master to his satisfaction : to smile when I am furious . There are three little girls next to the buckets of fresh flowers out on the street . Two mothers are talking to each other , oblivious to their offspring who are equally oblivious to them , playing a private game that involves stamping their feet . They are wearing dresses and I already have pulled out my phone , am calling up the camera function impatiently , dying to photograph flowers , dresses and small stamping feet while appearing to be doing something else , which is not so hard with a phone as it used to be with a full - scale camera . I only get one shot of the little girls , not really the one I wanted though maybe tomorrow it will look better . As I continue walking I keep the camera function operating , and unobtrusively point it towards the people I pass , pressing the button as casually as I can , never sure that I have gotten any picture at all , let alone a good one . I feel a twinge of guilt , taking people 's pictures without them knowing , but reassure myself that I do them no harm , and the fun is too enticing to refuse . In high school I pulled off the shelf The Family of Man , a book of black and white photographs from around the world , mostly of people unaware that they were being photographed . I kept the book in my room , unable to put it back . I loved every photograph , every face - some in pain , some laughing , faces caught in motion . I took the high school photography class , the first place that felt like my place . I still felt shy there , and could not speak , but I was not scornful like I was everywhere else . My mother let me use her Exacta . I started out trying to recreate photographs I saw in my head , was always disappointed by the results that never matched what I saw inside , and learned quickly that I liked my photographs better when they caught something unexpected . Still , how to capture people 's beautiful unaware faces in the street ? How to get pictures like in The Family of Man ? It was scary , pointing my camera in public . I tried stopping people and asking if I could photograph them . That was better than nothing , but not really what I wanted . I couldn 't afford a zoom lens and was jealous of my friend who had no trouble photographing gangs in Alphabet City . A few years ago it came to me . I started wearing the camera around my neck and just pointing it at people as they went by , taking a chance on what I 'd get . And I started to get pictures that excited me . And now with the iPhone it is even easier . I never had more fun than I did last weekend , taking these pictures on the streets of Manhattan . ( And then I kept thinking of more photos I wanted to show you - - made myself stop . But the last 3 are from 2010 in Venice , Italy ) . Posted by I have not been in a small private plane before . I have not been with a rich boyfriend before who can invite me to Southampton for the weekend , a place I have not heard of . He says we will fly there from Manhattan and that it 'll take about 30 minutes . He is a kid like me , but it is his father 's house and his father 's arrangements that include the plane . I pretend that this is no big deal but I am nervous , and I hate that I am nervous . Not nervous about the plane . That 's nothing . Nervous about being with these people who are not nervous about anything . I like the way my new boyfriend looks - especially his long dark curly messy hair . And he 's a writer . He 's written a novel . Already . I am out of my league , but any boy who is not my old high school awkward gangly boyfriend makes me feel out of my league . I feel out of my league with everyone actually . Jeffrey was in this summer 's writing class that I only signed up for because my father wanted me to take a class at his favorite college . The writing class met once a week around a seminar table in a basement with tiny windows along the tops of the walls , giving us a groundhog 's view of cut grass . I noticed Jeffrey during the second session when he kept catching my eye every time the group broke into laughter . I 'd laugh , look up , and there would be that boy 's brown eyes , laughing like everyone else but looking straight at me . A few weeks later and he has written to me a single - spaced two page letter on crinkly white onion skin that says at the very end " I love you " - words so precious I am immediately afraid of losing them . Words given to me by a boy I have noticed for his pony tail and the interesting cotton smocks that he wears , smocks I have never seen before and wonder where he gets them - he has said these magic words though we have only spoken once or twice , like when he mentioned that novel after class . A novel . He 's written a novel . How did he do that ? How does anyone do that ? How will I ever be able to do anything like that ? The house in Southampton is a mansion with a circular drive , and people who all know each other , family and friends of family . Jeffrey , this brand new boyfriend , who says he loves me but it is hard to believe it , feels at ease here . He laughs as we stand outside in the dark , talking to a boy named Eric who is Jeffrey 's stepbrother . A stepbrother . A stepmother . Divorced parents . All things that my plain family cannot claim . " How are you ? " asks Jeffrey to Eric , who responds , " Stoned , " and Jeffrey laughs . I do too , happy to be with people who smoke pot and know where to get it . Jeffrey has plenty of pot , and a bong to smoke it from . He also knows how to have sex . I have been looking for a boy who can take me across , and Jeffrey has , in my mother 's double bed when the family was away , under the framed photograph of me as a two - year - old - and of course I did not tell Jeffrey this was my maiden voyage . He must not know . For I am his third sleeping - together girlfriend . He 's already had two , and mentions their names easily , telling stories from time to time , laughing - already he has so many lover stories and I have to let him assume that Bob was an appealing ex - lover too . " How are you doing ? " Jeffrey asks during one of the Southampton weekends . " Me and Jane used to play the Truth Game . It means you have to answer the question and say the truth . " We are sitting on the bed in the well appointed bedroom we 've been assigned for the weekend . Jeffrey sits cross - legged , barefoot , in tee shirt and jeans . It 's come up before , this truth thing , this saying the truth . It seems to be part of having a real boyfriend who says he loves you . But this time I do say something . I say I 'd like to leave . With him . To go back to the city . " Really ? " Jeffrey is taken by surprise . " Why ? " I had not expected this , had not realized there would be protocol , but what do I know of families and mansions and weekends ? I tap on the door of the room that Jeffrey 's dad and his wife share . I have been here before . Have sat on the king - sized bed with Jeffrey as the family banters - but now it is just Alvin . In this family you call the grown - ups by their first names . " What 's up , sweetheart , " drawls Alvin , hardly looking up . He is a small man , sitting on the bed made by women , leaning against the headboard , his legs extended , watching television and smoking . He wears an ironed button - down shirt and pants with a crease . I say apologetically that although it 's only Saturday afternoon I 'd like to go back to the city . I write , then come up for air , then look at what I have unearthed . It usually looks like just a handful of dust , not worth much . I could easily toss it out and forget about it . But I don 't . Not anymore . I add it to the pile . I am not sure what I am building , but this is all I have . For some reason , it is my most precious thing , the one thing that feels purely my own . In addition to regular workshops in Woodstock , NY , I offer one Authentic Writing workshop a month in Manhattan , always on a Saturday morning . If you want to write or to deepen the writing you are doing , please come along ! We meet at TRS , 40 Exchange Place , 3rd Floor . You will take home a great deal of writing plus the momentum and enthusiasm to continue . For more info : AuthenticWriting . com |
" The old house . " My siblings may have other names for the beloved , big house in Stanton , but that 's what I call it : the old house . It was almost a hundred years old when we moved into it . It was over a hundred years old when the folks moved out of it . It was well over a hundred years old when a June tornado swept it away . I call it " the old house " because the house that the folks eventually moved into seemed like their new house ; although , it was neither new nor a house when they moved into it . I call it " the old house " because it 's where I grew up . I spent all but one year of my childhood there , all of my adolescence , and quite a few years of my adulthood living there . A lot of years drinking coffee in the kitchen of that old house . My mother 's kitchen was rectangular . At one end , a window opened to the neighbor lady 's massive flower garden that , I like to think , my mother enjoyed , wishing she had the time and the energy to cultivate one of her own . She had too many children , too much to do to spend her time whiling away in a flower garden . My mother was practical like that . At the other end of the kitchen was the make - shift coffee mug shelf where a door used to lead into a bedroom . When my father made the extra bedroom into a over - sized bathroom , he closed the door in from the other side with a piece of faux blue marble wood paneling . When in the kitchen , the door frame was left , but the opening was covered by the drab brown back of the paneling . My mother had Dad nail some left over 2x4s horizontally , making the doorway into a pocketed shelf to display her mugs . It wasn 't pretty , but it was useful . During family gatherings , usually Thanksgiving and Christmas , my sisters and I gathered around the brown , formica table drinking coffee or tea and talking about inappropriate things . From the looks of shock on my face and our body positions , # 4 must have said something uproariously inappropriate for which I punched her in the shoulder . # 8 is amused but keeping it to herself ( no doubt a little later in the day one will be able to find the two of us sitting in a corner of the house discussing this exact moment ) as # 5 enjoys the moment . But soon , over time , the living of life changes relationships . There aren 't many pictures of this time . Advice is not sought . Opinions hurt . Laughter fades . Coffee cups are left empty . Pain is the tie that binds . We remain just sisters . Then time does what time does best . It marches on . Each of us has to learn individual lessons about ourselves and about each other . Each of us has to learn how to reconnect with one another ; how to let by - gones be by - gones and to let love be love . We can do it for others , so we learn to do it for each other . It 's much easier now , being sisters . We have settled into our lives , dreams met , dreams deferred , perspectives solidified , perspectives changed . We have settled into knowing and accepting each other , understanding rather than judging and forcing change . We have settled into relationship with one another , choosing it rather than just being born into it . This circle of coffee ushered in a new phase in our sistering , a more mature , satisfying relationship . A relationship based on respect , honor , and love , not treading on areas where uninvited . I like this phase of sistering . It took us awhile , and many times I mourned it , believing that we would never have it . But now it is here . Rising Action : further complication add to the main character 's struggle Our policy only covers $ 20 a day for a rental car . The agent happily informed me that would cover a Kia Rio , and for $ 6 a day ( out of pocket ) I could rent a Nissan Versa . Apparently , they didn 't know that I have was supposed to bring home a 5 foot long picture that my sister bought for me a month ago . It won 't fit in a Rio , nor could we and all our luggage . For $ 6 extra , I actually got a sweet little Chrysler 200s that had keyless entry , pushbutton start , and a knob for a gearshift ( I nicknamed it Sweet Little Thing ) . But there was one stipulation : the car was not a one - way rental . It had to be returned to the Nebraska location . This complected matters . If my car was deemed fixable , then I could drive Sweet Little Thing home and then return once my car is fixed . If my car turned out to be a total loss , then I was stuck driving Sweet Little Thing back to Tennessee , only to drive it back to Nebraska once I bought a new car in Tennessee . Saturday afternoon we attended my niece 's wedding . It was a beautiful ceremony in a beautiful church on a beautiful summer day . My kids I visited with grown ups and other kids we hadn 't seen for a few years . My sister who I was co - cake cutting with had been smart enough to call and reserve a room a few weeks before I had , and took the kids to The Lodge 's pool to go swimming . Two of my other sister 's and their grandkids joined them later in the evening and had a swimming party until midnight . Everyone slept in Sunday morning and then met for an early lunch . It was relaxing and enjoyable 3 - hour lunch with lots of sister chatting and smatterings of children interrupting . We left each other after giving hugs , sending our love , and speaking safe travels to each other . When the kids and I headed back to Uncle Ed 's and Aunt B 's to transfer our belongings from the Scion to the rental . In the middle of doing just that , I sent Effy to the kitchen to get a plastic sack . She came back looking very forlorn and apprehensive . After a few moments of her insisting that I was going to be mad and me insisting that if she doesn 't just tell me what was wrong or I was most certainly going to be mad , she finally told me what was wrong . Actually , she had to show me . She took me to the Chrysler 's driver 's side windshield , and I looked to where she pointed . A softball - size spider web of cracks stared back at me . It was smack dab in the middle of the driver 's side with one long crackly leg reaching midway across the windshield . " What . Did . You . Do ? " came out of me in a deep , serious tone . My kids know that the slower ( my attempt at self control ) and deeper ( my overcompensation when trying not to scream ) I speak the angrier I am . Apparently , my ADHD baby saw a bug on the Chrysler 's windshield and decided at that moment it must be erradicated from the earth by slamming it between the windshield and the heel of her hand . Really hard . Twice . Amidst her insisting I was mad , I continuously repeated , " No I 'm not . I 'm frustrated . It 's fine " until I got into the house where I burst into tears and cried to my sister , " What else can go wrong ? ! " That evening , to give Effy and myself something positive to think about , the three of us went to Jurassic World with Aunt B and Uncle Ed . Nothing like watching an island being ripped apart by wild , angry dinosaurs after having your car torn apart by wild and ( assuming ) angry monstro - deer , or maybe it was a pterodac - deer - after hitting us , it just flew away . It would explain why it seemed to just disappear . About 10 a . m . Monday morning , I returned Pretty Little Thing to Enterprise , explained what happened , and exchanged it for another car . I was held responsible for the damage done to Pretty Little Thing . It cost me $ 185 to replace the windshield , but the good news is the replacement car is a one - way rental . At this point , I just wanted to be home , so I didn 't argue the fact that the windshield must have been faulty if my 11 - year - old daughter could break it - with her hand - and fained a smile and said " great " to being able to drop the car in Memphis if need be . I just didn 't care . They gave me a Ford Focus ( which was a wordless scolding equivalent to " you can 't take care of nice things , you won 't be given nice things " ) , and off I went . I then called Bob , the body shop owner , to arrange for my car to sit on his lot until the insurance determined it was fixable or totaled . He informed me of the estimated amount it would take to fix the damage , and I really thought it would be totaled . So did Bob . If it was fixable ( which both of us highly doubted ) , I would return to Tennessee until the repairs were made at which time I would return drive back to Nebraska to collect my Scion . If it was totaled ( which both of us thought it was ) , i would arrange for the insurance company to pick it up there . Around 1 p . m . on Monday , we finished loading the car and getting our snacks and all the odds and ends into the car and set off to retrieve our belongs from Enterprise . We stuff the extra cargo into the trunk of the Focus , grab a bite to eat at Runza , and head East on Hwy 275 . The kids ' conversation quickly turns to debating the pros and cons of driving back to Nebraska to pick up the Scion . " Only if it 's fixable , " I quickly add . " The insurance company hasn 't called back , so I don 't know what 's going to happen . " I was starting to hope that they would just total the car . That would be the easiest thing to do The insurance company didn 't call back for another 4 hours . We were just outside of Kansas City , MO ( sounds like the beginning of a Western ) and had gotten back into our traveling groove - me listening to my Audible book , and the kids playing games and watching shows on their Kindles - when the claims adjuster called . I got this hopeful smile on my face when I heard it was the adjuster with his determination . " After examining the estimate and running the numbers , " my smile got bigger in anticipation to his ending the sentence . " Our preliminary decision is that it is financially feasible to fix your car . " The smile left my face , quickly . " You 're going to fix it ? " This was a question mixed with astonishment , so " fix it " came out about two octaves higher than the first part of the sentence . " Yes , ma ' am , " he said . " Your car is fixable . " It was supposed to be a quiet trip , but it wasn 't . Murphy 's Law - or Nincompoopery - ensued shortly after trip planning began . This trip played out in a perfect elemental plot fashion . Although I had said yes , I waited until 5 days before the wedding to book the room . This is northeast Nebraska I was travelling to , not Omaha or Lincoln . County fairs are the only major happenings in that part of the state . Those do not begin until late July and are finished by the end of August , so I thought I was pretty safe waiting until a week before the wedding . I wasn 't safe . The Lodge ( and all area hotels ) was booked solid by the time I tried to make reservations . The Christian Cross Festival has grown to a two - day , free event that apparently attracts people from afar who inevitably need lodging . Even with ample free tent camping at the lake , every available room was booked . Luckily , I have family in the area that still like me . My kids and I were to bunk at my sisters . I had downloaded some new books onto my Audible app , and the kids loaded their Kindles with movies , music , and shows . The plan was to leave no later than 10 a . m . Thursday morning . We were an hour and a half late leaving our house in Tennessee , putting our arrival time to my sister 's house at a little past midnight . Even with the late departure , the trip was going so smoothly : the kids were watching movies on their Kindles , and I was listening to either the radio or to Kingsolver 's Animal , Vegetable , Miracle on my Audible app . We were each in our own little worlds and traveling a route we knew like the back of our hands . It was quite a peaceful seven - hour journey across Missouri . In an instant , Monstro - deer ( or rhino - deer or Jurassic - deer as my friends have now taken to calling it ) was challenging me to a 70 mph , head - on collision : I was going 70 mph ; he was standing still , shocked , as if I had been the one to appear out of nowhere . I slammed on my breaks and yelled , " NO ! " hoping that he 'd regain his wits and , with a harrowing leap , jump to safety . It wasn 't to be . Instantly after yelling , I felt the deep thud of impact , and my car stopped dead in it 's tracks . Z woke screaming " What did we hit ? What did we hit ? " which woke Effy , who wondered what we were doing stopped in the middle of the road . She had slept right through the whole thing . Bluntly , I said , " We hit a deer , " and then began to audibly walk myself through the next steps : " I don 't know . I don 't know . I DO NOT KNOOOWAH ! I can 't answer any questions right now . Sit there and be quiet , so I can think . " While I waited for the deputy sheriff to find me in the dark at a not - so - certain point on Hwy 275 , I got out of the car to inspect the damages . It was bad . And the deer ran off . I then called Roadside Assistance . The young man on the other end of the line tried to be helpful , but stranded out in the middle of nowhere , the closest tow truck was 45 minutes away , and then I wasn 't guaranteed a place to stay or a replacement car to be able to continue on to my sisters that night . My husband was 10 hours away and asleep in Tennessee , and I couldn 't think of anyone near my wreckage that would be able to tow a car . While I was talking to Roadside Assistance , the county deputy sheriff arrived . He looked over the car , noted that the deer had run , or limped , off , and that the car was not to be driven . He could have called the tow truck but confirmed that it would take 45 minutes for them to arrive . He did say that he was able to stay with me until someone came to help or until he had another pressing matter . I decided to call my brother - in - law , who was sound asleep , warm and cozy in his bed an hour away from me . Within the time a tow truck could arrive , so could my brother - in - law with the added bonus of delivering me to my destination . So I called him , and like the good guy he is , he came to our rescue . Nebraska in June is not the same as Tennessee in June . It is cold and windy in Nebraska . The kids and I were dressed for Tennessee 's hot and muggy . When Ed arrived , I stood out in the cold wind shivering like I hadn 't spent the first 40 years of my life there , trying to assist him with tethering my Scion to the car trailer . Her 's was an unexpected death , so there wasn 't much time to plan or prepare . Tim quickly put in for bereavement days . , I excused the kids out of school after a house and dog sitter was found , and we took off . Our house / dog sitter texted late Monday night to let me know that Daisy 's eye was looking raw and wondered what we wanted her to do . There really wasn 't anything she could do . She wasn 't available during the vet 's normal business hours , so we told her to keep an eye on it and we would be home Tuesday evening . The retractable leash was jammed with the cord fully extended . I couldn 't resist publicly teasing our dog sitter via Instagram ™ with the above two photos and statements wondering if she secretly hated us . She doesn 't , and we still love her . Poor girl , everything seem to go wrong when she walked in the door . Once finished with Queen Sophie 's first training lesson , I sat down to fold some laundry and watch an afternoon movie . That 's when I found out that the cable and internet had been disconnected while we were gone . I meant to pay it on our way out of town Saturday morning , but forgot . Then I was going to pay when we returned home , but forgot . On our way to church Wednesday night , I dropped the cable / internet payment off and took the kids to Dairy Queen to eat . We needed something pleasant to change the tone of the day , or at least I needed something pleasant . It helped for about an hour . At church , I found out Queen Sophie tried to attack a dog in the middle of the street while its human was walking it . Did I mention the human had a cast on his arm ? Yeah . The training videos definitely came none too soon . My prayers were answered Thursday morning . The kids were ready for school early . Queen Sophie responded very well to training . But the most delightful happening was when the mailman brought me three wonderful packages : two David Sedaris books , a wonderfully soft linen set , and The Emotion Thesaurus . Posted on March 22 , 2013 by sarahlmandl I am so glad the month of March is almost over . I don 't usually wish time away , but this month has worn me out . Tomorrow my family and I will take off for the last of four trips for this month . With all this traveling , one thing I have had is time to think . And it is amazing the thoughts one can have when you have time to think . Sadly , none of my thoughts were earth - shakingly brilliant . 3 . As many times as I have traveled I - 70 across Missouri , I should know exactly where all the good exits are located . I don 't , so I scan the " Food " road signs at each exit wondering all the while whether that would be the last exit that has decent food . 4 . I should start a travel blog . If it is anything like my thoughts after I started Random Thoughts Friday , all my traveling will come to an abrupt end . 6 . When you travel , most people will assume that it is for fun . Only one of the four trips I have taken this month was for fun . 9 . Absence must make the heart grow fonder . # 9 and his wife , # 8 and her husband and I were eating supper at Whiskey Creek the night before I left to drive back to Tennessee . As we left the table , I decided to surprise # 9 with a hug once we were outside the restaurant . I didn 't even get a chance to get outside ! # 9 walked up to me while we were leaving , put his arm around me , gave me a squeeze and told me that he was glad we got together and to have a safe trip home . I was stunned . That may have been the only time he 's ever hugged me . That made my trip . 10 . Something big must be about to happen . My brothers are acting lovey dovey . # 6 made a surprise visit this fall , and we spent the day at Graceland . We talked more in that 24 hours than we had in all my life . He not only gave me a big hug , but also took a picture with me - something he doesn 't normally do without coaxing . Then # 9 , who usually doesn 't care whether I 'm in town , requests to have supper with me before I return to Tennessee , and he hugs me ! Their actions might be normal for most brothers , but for mine , these behaviors are most certainly unusual and lovey dovey . All this attention has left me wondering if some great cataclysmic occurrence is imminent ! 2 . ( See , now you 're doing it ) Why is it so easy to do the wrong thing and so difficult to the right thing ? ( I think I thought of this while trying to talk myself out of bed to go running . ) 3 . It irritates me when Christians post pictures like the one to the right . It is both untrue and illogical ( don 't get me started on the capitalization errors ) . Students can read the Bible and pray in school . It is their right under the constitution . Furthermore , people do not go to prison because they did not read the Bible in school . They go to prison because they commit a crime . 6 . On that note , is car exhaust basically a car fart ? It smells just as nasty . ( This was my 17 - year - old daughter 's thought . It is akin to # 1 . Wanted to make that clear . ) 8 . If one of my kids brought home a friend like the red - head chick on Nickelodeon 's Victorious , well … I would have questions . Lots and lots of questions . 9 . I wish Runzas were available outside of Nebraska . Two blocks away from my house would be nice . I usually come away from a day of subbing with some sort of lesson learned . My favorite lesson learned to date is that going to the bathroom is not a constitutional right , but that was learned in the late ' 90s . I 'm in need of a new favorite lesson . A typical day of subbing offers up one or two lessons that later find their way into conversations , but today offered a few more than expected . Here is what I learned ( I slapped this on the page without properly editing it , so disregard any glaring grammatical errors that spell / grammar check didn 't catch ) : After introducing myself to one class , I read word for word the directions the teacher had left for the class . After groaning about the amount of work given , they got into groups to " work together . " Every sub knows this is code for " chatting while doing as little as possible . " I then added , " Ms . ___________ also says that she will be collecting and grading the assignment during your next class , so make sure you have it finished by then . " A girl quipped , " And what will happen if I don 't have it done ? " I responded , " You will probably have points removed from your grade . " The girl proclaimed , " Well . I 'll just have my momma talk to her . " I laughed inside . Really ? Your momma ? So I showed her the written directions and stated , " Make sure you tell your momma this , too , " pointing out the specific sentence that read " Tell them that I will be collecting and grading the assignment next class period . " A little later in the same class , a female student was called to the office only to return and announce that her iPhone , which was confiscated earlier in the week because she was caught texting in school , was stolen from the front office . She , understandably , was furious . She said with great certainty that her momma was going to make the school pay for it because her momma was going to tell them what for and who with and kick the principal and slap the secretary . That got the six girls who were " working together " on the other side of the room outraged , and they started saying if it was them , they 'd tell their momma and she 'd go to the school board and she 'd tell them what for and who with , and there is no way their mommas would leave without being reimbursed for the cost of a replacement . When the level - headed girl sitting in the middle of the room tried to tell the angry mob that the school and the school board could not be held liable for an item the girl wasn 't supposed to have on school property in the first place , all seven girls responded as one booming voice , " My momma will sue ! " During second period after introductions and delivery of the day 's assignment , I was sitting at the teacher 's desk at the back of the room reading When You are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris when a self - deprecating chatty young lady sitting at the desk to my left enthusiastically told the young man in the desk to my right that his teeth looked wonderful and asked if he had his braces taken off recently . Looking a little confused , he flatly responded , " No . I haven 't had braces recently . " This made me laugh . I wasn 't laughing at her as much as the absurdity of the moment , and the fact that I tend to get myself into the same situations , thinking someone has changed something that hasn 't changed at all , like asking someone if they dyed their hair red just to find out that they were born with red hair , or commenting on lovely wall color they chose for their livingroom when it has been the color of winter wheat the entire length of your friendship . Toward the end of the class , another young lady , sitting in the front row to my left , turned around and told the same young man sitting in the back to my right that he had " pretty teeth " and they were like " super model teeth , " which made the entire class shift in their seat to take a gander and this young man 's mouth . He shyly bid them thanks and smiled only after some of the other girls begged him to smile for them . One of the girls asked if he was born with such wonderfully beautiful teeth , and he confessed that he wore braces in Middle School . I gasped at the revelation . Self - deprecating chatty girl was right after all ! I envisioned her feeling somewhat redeemed of her earlier humiliation , and if she wasn 't , I was feeling the redemption for her . I felt a small twinge of kinship with her for a split second . She at least noticed he had braces at one time and had had them removed . Her noticing was just 3 or 4 years late , unlike the other girl that didn 't even notice that he had worn braces in middle school to begin with . Yay for noticing , self - deprecating chatty girl . It 's better late than never . I usually mention that I am originally from Nebraska when introducing myself to the students . Many of them don 't care , some of them find it fascinating that someone would choose to move to west Tennessee ( " Why would anyone want to move here ? " they inevitably ask as if this part of Tennessee is God - forsaken ) , but many like to point out the weirdness of the state . I try to explain that differences are only weird because their experiences have been limited , but they don 't care . It 's still weird . One student , a virtual walking cliché of a young man ( boyish face , blonde hair that hung in his eyes , and skinny ) , asked me what part of Nebraska I was from , and after I had told him , he , of course , had no idea where my hometown was located . As most of the conversations of this sort goes , I had to name a few of the cities in Nebraska ( because there are only a few ) before he snapped his fingers , pointed at me and said , " Yes , Lincoln , that 's it . " Apparently , he had a friend that had moved from Lincoln , NE , and who intimated to him that " most everyone is Lutheran up there . " " Yes , in comparison to here ( western Tennessee ) , there are a lot of Lutherans , " I said . I was going to add how the oddity of this is relative to his singular experience of Western Tennesse , and that someone moving to Tennessee may note that there is an over abundance of Baptists here , but the conversation was over . The snack cart arrived and like an ADHD squirrel , the young man had dropped the conversation and was on to the next shiny attraction . On another note , maybe Lutherans are made from a fundamentally hardier stock than Baptists and are willing and able to endure and even thrive in harsh weather conditions . What does enduring harsh weather conditions have to do with one 's religion ? I don 't know . Just a stab in the dark . Whenever I sub , I always come home and have stories of the excitement ( or chaos ) that has happened . The kids used to drool to hear stories of naughty kids getting sent to the principal after verbally abusing me . Today there was none of that . After telling my kids the above stories , my oldest said , " You should have been at ___________ High . The drug dogs came and searched the school . E 's class was searched , and he was patted down . When the dogs searched the parking lot , they smelled something on D 's car , and the police could search it . L 's car was parked right next to D 's , so her car was searched , too . " " Of course , they were freaking out . They don 't use , but they bring people to school who very well could . Those kids could have left something in D 's car . " Posted on December 11 , 2011 by sarahlmandl I was going to write about Santa Claus since it 's the Christmas season and all , but a friend of mine posted a simple question on Facebook asking , " Hot chocolate with or without marshmallows ? " While everyone else was chiming in with their vote ( which seemed to be leaning toward the " with " ) , my answer , along with the Redi - Whip guy , was the only one that was different . I responded , " Marshmallows without the hot chocolate . " I don 't like hot chocolate . I did , but I don 't now . The journey from there to here is an interesting story . Imagine that . Remember , I come from a large family . There are 10 children : 4 boys and 6 girls , of which I am the youngest . We lived in a relatively large house in a relatively small town in Northeast Nebraska where the winters were ( and still are ) relatively frigid ; therefore , warm liquids were ( and still are ) a must . From the time I was about 8 years old , hot chocolate mix was a staple in our house . My mother made the mix from scratch and kept it in an ice cream bucket on the counter for easy access . My brother , who I adoringly refer to as # 9 in all my writing , and I could make a piping hot cup at any time of the day without requiring assistance from our mother . This could be a good thing or a bad thing . Depends upon the person 's individual decision - making skills . One afternoon on a particularly cold day , my brother and I came in from horsing around outside and decided to make some hot chocolate to warm ourselves . We put the pan of water on the stove , brought it to a rolling boil , and then poured it into the cups that had a measured amount of chocolate mix in them . There was a slight ting in our icy fingers as we wrapped them around the hot cups of chocolate . As our hands began to thaw , we would place our faces over the cup and allow the steam to warm our faces and to breathe in the silky promise of warm chocolate . # 9 stuffed his cup with a mountain of marshmallows , and I aligned a simple layer to cover the top . While I sipped my cup of hot chocolate , my brother drank his quickly and made another . By the time I had finished my one cup , he easily had drunk two cups of hot chocolate and had eaten two mountains of marshmallows . Later that evening after supper , we were in the living room watching television with my parents when my brother asked Mom to please make him a cup of hot chocolate . He could have easily made it himself , but everyone knows that a cup of hot chocolate made by your mother is much more satisfying . It is always just the right temperature and is made with just the right ratio of milk and mix , and mothers always know the perfect amount of marshmallows to grace the top . When Mom returned with his requested cup of hot chocolate , # 9 drank it quickly and asked for another one . She made it for him , again with the perfect combination of ingredients and love . He again drank it quickly . He asked for another cup . And she made it for him . And he slurped it down . And she warned him again . He told her he was fine , and he went and made himself another cup . After the night 's meetings with Archie Bunker , Hawkeye , and Carol Burnette , we were sent to bed . At that time , my brother and I shared a room and we slept in bunk beds . I slept in the top bunk because the bottom bunk was too enclosed , and I would have nightmares . Although # 9 was the oldest and would have preferred the top , he resigned himself to the bottom bunk , claiming it was too far to crawl to the top anyway . But that night , # 9 decided that he was going to sleep in the top bunk and that I had to take the bottom . I vehemently opposed the idea based on the certainty of having a wild nightmare that would end in me crying out for my mother . # 9 would not concede . He resolutely climbed to the top bunk and buried himself under my blankets . I then had to crawl into his bunk . Lying in the bottom bunk looking up at the metal springs that kept the upper bunk and my brother from falling , crushing the air out of me and immobilizing me to the point I would slowly suffocate to death , I began to panic . Foreboding thoughts of dying in the middle of the night without any way of screaming out for help , only to be found the next morning by mother who would be grief stricken for the rest of her life , started swirling in my head . Becoming claustrophobic from panic and needing air , I moved my pillow to the outside of the bed , so I could sleep with my head hanging half way off of the bed . In that position I fell asleep . In that position I was abruptly awakened by a sudden onslaught of regurgitated now not - hot hot chocolate . In the middle of the night , my brother 's stomach decided that 6 + cups of hot chocolate , although delicious , was too much to digest and needed a little relief . Now wide awake but not knowing what hit me ( literally ) , # 9 unloaded on my head again . I jumped out of bed to see him hanging over the upper bunk , slimy liquid dripping from his lips . " Mom ! " I yelled , ran out of the room , down the hall and stopped at my parents door . We were not allowed to just barge in , so I stood outside their door waiting for one of my parents to come out . I waited for a few seconds , but neither one of them appeared in the door to help me . So I decided to try again . I drew in a deep breath and screamed at the top of my lungs , " Moooooooooooom ! # 9 is puking up his guts ! " It took about 0 . 00001 of a second for my mother to appear in the doorway , barely look at me , and run down the hall to assist my brother . She got him out of the bunk and across the hall in what seemed to be one fell swoop , while I was standing there watching with my brother 's stomach content dripping from my hair and face . When she came out of the bath room , she looked at me in surprise and asked , " What happened to you ? " I was dumbfounded . I wanted to say , in the words of the mid - 1970s , " Duh , " but my mother would have slapped me for being smart . I chose to answer her honestly . " He puked on me . " The rest of the night was pretty typical ; mom got us both cleaned off and the bed room cleaned up . She put on fresh sheets , gave # 9 a puke bucket , and made him lie down in the bottom bunk where I would be safe if he missed the bucket . And my dad slept through the entire ordeal . So that is the reason for my answer to my friend 's question . Once you have had hot chocolate spewed on you by a sibling , you no longer crave hot chocolate as you did before . In fact , it quite possibly could make you never want to see , smell or , God forbid , drink the wintery beverage ever again . Posted on November 30 , 2011 by sarahlmandl Today , November 30th , would have been my parents ' 60th wedding anniversary . They have both passed on , but I remember how I loved to hear my dad tell the story of how they met . The immediacy and desperation of their situation - each trying to care for and support their children amidst crippling poverty , death and divorce - escaped me as I was caught up in the wonder of their chance meeting . Even when I was in high school and thought my parents to be archaic and out of touch with the times , their story enchanted me . When my father recited the tale of how he met and married my mother all within the month of November , it was always so miraculous , so divinely ordered , and so romantic . It wasn 't until I was out of college that my mother told me her side of the story , and it was all so practical . No divine intervention . Nothing miraculous . Just logical explanation . But that is who my parents were . Dad saw the miraculous . Mom saw the practical . Ellis moved his first wife and their two children to Houston , TX from Evansville , IN in 1949 because someone had told him the climate was supposed to help his wife 's tuberculosis . It didn 't and he lost his wife in June of 1951 . A man new in his Christian faith , Ellis found himself having to care for a 9 year - old daughter , Peggy , and 8 year - old son , Larry . Ellis left their small apartment before the sun rose and didn 't wasn 't home until well after the sun set , leaving the motherly duties of getting kids ready for and off to school , house cleaning and preparing meals to 9 year - old Peggy . Realizing that it was all too much for his young daughter , Ellis and the children began asking God to send a wife and mother to care for them . They gave no specifics other than a woman that would love them as her own and loved Jesus with all her heart . One Sunday in early November , Ellis treated his kids to an after - church lunch at the cafeteria in Woolworth 's close to the small apartment he rented . They were seated and he was looking over the menu when the waitress arrived to take their order . Before Ellis could raise his head , Larry yelled , " Mom ! " Ellis , shocked at what Larry just called the waitress , received an even bigger shock when he looked up to see a mass of hair affixed to a bony body with lips slathered in bright red lipstick waiting to ask , " My I take your order ? " Composed himself , Ellis said , " Yes " and ordered lunch for his little family . Believing Larry 's outburst to be prophetic , Ellis began having a conversation in his head with God . He questioned how this could possibly be the woman for him and his children . She was wearing make - up and working on a Sunday . She was a heathen ! But in the quiet of his heart , Ellis knew that Larry was correct . This woman was the answer to their prayers . Ellis decided to do a kind of litmus test and invite her to church . After all , he would not be unequally yoked in marriage to an unbeliever . When their food arrived , Larry again addressed her as mom . Although feeling the title a tad premature , Ellis thanked her and , before she could walk away , added " One day , I 'm going to marry you . " The waitress smiled kindly , asked if there was anything else she could get for them , and then walked away . When the bill came , Ellis asked the waitress if she would go to his church 's evening service with him , and , to his surprise , she said yes . She gave Ellis her address . When he noticed that they lived in the same apartment complex , he took it as divine confirmation that indeed God had handpicked this woman just for him and his children . Later that day , Ellis went to her apartment to pick her up for church . When she opened the door , Ellis was taken aback by the bright red lipstick she was wearing . Composing himself , he told her she couldn 't go to church with him unless she washed it off . She said , " Okay , " went back into the apartment , washed off the lipstick and went to church with Ellis and his kids . Less than a month later , Ellis and the Woolworth 's waitress were married . At nineteen , Helen found herself divorced with a 3 year - old son , Charles , and living in Houston , TX . She lived in a small apartment complex and was a waitress at the little cafe in Woolworth 's department store , a job that paid the rent and little else . She had been divorced for about 6 months and wanted to return home to her mother in North Platte , NE , but she could barely scrape enough money together to feed her son after the rent was paid , so there was no possible way she could afford to move back to Nebraska . She was all of 98 pound and losing weight . She wasn 't sick . She was starving . At times , when the hunger was too much , and she couldn 't feed her son , or make rent , she contemplated prostitution . The thought made her sick , but she had not other recourse and she couldn 't let her son go hungry . In the apartment complex there was someone that would watch Charles while Helen worked , an elderly lady that acted as a grandmother and makeshift daycare provider for the children in the complex that were left alone while their parents worked during the day . Charles would stay at the elderly woman 's house until the other children of the complex arrived home from school , and then he would play outside with them until Helen returned home . Helen enjoyed coming home to see her son playing with the other kids . She would stop and chat with a few of the children playing with Charles before she would take him in for the evening . Some of the children began to call her Mom because that is what they heard Charles call her . One Sunday in early November , Helen had the chance to work an extra shift at the Woolworth 's cafe . She didn 't usually work on Sunday , but she needed the money . She worked the breakfast and lunch shift and would be home in time for supper with her son . During the lunch shift , a man and his children sat down in her section . It wasn 't until she got to the table and the little boy shouted , " Mom ! " that she recognized the children . It was the little boy and girl that were always playing with Charles when she got home from work . She didn 't know their names and she had never met their father , so she smiled and greeted the little boy before asking if she could take their order . She brought the food to the table ; she smiled as the little boy called her mom again , and set the plates in front of each of them . The man thanked her for the food and before she could turn to help another table , the fellow said , " I 'm going to marry you . " Dumbfounded , she looked at him and , not knowing what to say , asked if there was anything else she could get for them . She walked away wondering if he was serious . She didn 't want anything to do with another man after what she had been through with her ex - husband . This guy is crazy , she thought to herself . Just give him the bill and walk away , she told herself . She was startled when , as she delivered the bill to the table , the man asked her to attend church with him that evening . She startled herself even more when she heard herself tell the man , " Okay . " She couldn 't help notice the excitement of the kids and the smile on the man 's face . When she arrived home , Helen told Charles that they were going to go to church with some of his friends , so they need to take baths and get ready . After dressing Charles , Helen put on a simple dress , tied her unruly hair back in a low pony , and put on her bright red lipstick . By the time she heard the knock on the door , she had convinced herself that if the fellow was serious about marrying her then why shouldn 't she accept ? He obviously had a job that paid well enough to eat Sunday dinner at a cafe instead of eating at home , and she wouldn 't have to contemplate selling herself to provide for her son . He needed a mother for his children , and she needed someone to support her and her son . It seemed to her that they would be helping each other out . If nothing else , it would be good for both her and Charles to get out of the apartment for the evening . So when she opened the door , she was not that hesitant to comply when he told her , " You can 't wear that lipstick . You 're going to have to go wash it off . " She went into the bathroom and washed it off . I thought for certain when my mother told me her version of the courtship it would have been at least as romantic as my father 's . Obviously , it was wishful thinking . Something of the miraculous left Dad 's story when I found out that Larry 's outburst wasn 't prophetic and that he had known Mom because he played with Charles in the afternoon . It was very hard to hear that my mother decided to marry for security rather than the divinely appointed love connection of my father 's story ; however , now I know why she didn 't tell me her version until I was much older . For quite some time after hearing my mother 's side , their story lost its romance to the point of being pale . So much of each of their stories screams , " Bad decision ! " I don 't know many people who would recommend marrying for convenience . I don 't know many people who would advise others to marry after literally knowing each other for 30 days . Yet , my parents made it to 46 years of marriage before my mother passed away . Today would have been their 60th . They added seven more children to their little start - up brood , and it would be easier to number the stars than to count the grandchildren , great - grandchildren and great - great - grandchildren they now have . |
Years and years ago at the very beginning of time , when the world had just been made , there was no night . It was day all the time . No one had ever heard of sunrise or sunset , starlight or moonbeams . There were no night birds , nor night beasts , nor night flowers . There were no lengthening shadows , nor soft night air , heavy with perfume . In those days the daughter of the Great Sea Serpent , who dwelt in the depths of the seas , married one of the sons of the great earth race known as Man . She left her home among the shades of the deep seas and came to dwell with her husband in the land of daylight . Her eyes grew weary of the bright sunlight and her beauty faded . Her husband watched her with sad eyes , but he did not know what to do to help her . Her husband at once called his three most faithful slaves . " I am about to send you on a journey , " he told them . " You are to go to the kingdom of the Great Sea Serpent who dwells in the depths of the seas and ask him to give you some of the darkness of night that his daughter may not die here amid the sunlight of our earth land . " The three slaves set forth for the kingdom of the Great Sea Serpent . After a long dangerous journey they arrived at his home in the depths of the seas and asked him to give them some of the shadows of night to carry back to the earth land . The Great Sea Serpent gave them a big bag full at once . It was securely fastened and the Great Sea Serpent warned them not to open it until they were once more in the presence of his daughter , their mistress . The three slaves started out , bearing the big bag full of night upon their heads . Soon they heard strange sounds within the bag . It was the sound of the voices of all the night beasts , all the night birds , and all the night insects . If you have ever heard the night chorus from the jungles on the banks of the rivers you will know how it sounded . The three slaves had never heard sounds like those in all their lives . They were terribly frightened . Accordingly they laid the bag on the ground and opened it . Out rushed all the night beasts and all the night birds and all the night insects and out rushed the great black cloud of night . The slaves were more frightened than ever at the darkness and escaped to the jungle . The daughter of the Great Sea Serpent was waiting anxiously for the return of the slaves with the bag full of night . Ever since they had started out on their journey she had looked for their return , shading her eyes with her hand and gazing away off at the horizon , hoping with all her heart that they would hasten to bring the night . In that position she was standing under a royal palm tree , when the three slaves opened the bag and let night escape . " Night comes . Night comes at last , " she cried , as she saw the clouds of night upon the horizon . Then she closed her eyes and went to sleep there under the royal palm tree . When she awoke she felt greatly refreshed . She was once more the happy princess who had left her father 's kingdom in the depths of the great seas to come to the earth land . She was now ready to see the day again . She looked up at the bright star shining above the royal palm tree and said , " O , bright beautiful star , henceforth you shall be called the morning star and you shall herald the approach of day . You shall reign queen of the sky at this hour . " Then she called all the birds about her and said to them , " O , wonderful , sweet singing birds , henceforth I command you to sing your sweetest songs at this hour to herald the approach of day . " The cock was standing by her side . " You , " she said to him , " shall be appointed the watchman of the night . Your voice shall mark the watches of the night and shall warn the others that the madrugada comes . " To this very day in Brazil we call the early morning the madrugada . The cock announces its approach to the waiting birds . The birds sing their sweetest songs at that hour and the morning star reigns in the sky as queen of the madrugada . " O , faithless slaves , " said their master , " why did you not obey the voice of the Great Sea Serpent and open the bag only in the presence of his daughter , your mistress ? Because of your disobedience I shall change you into monkeys . Henceforth you shall live in the trees . Your lips shall always bear the mark of the sealing wax which sealed the bag full of night . " Once upon a time there was great scarcity of food in the land . Father Anansi and his son , Kweku Tsin , being very hungry , set out one morning to hunt in the forest . In a short time Kweku Tsin was fortunate enough to kill a fine deer - which he carried to his father at their resting - place . Anansi was very glad to see such a supply of food , and requested his son to remain there on guard , while he went for a large basket in which to carry it home . An hour or so passed without his return , and Kweku Tsin became anxious . Fearing lest his father had lost his way , he called out loudly , " Father , father ! " to guide him to the spot . To his joy he heard a voice reply , " Yes , my son , " and immediately he shouted again , thinking it was Anansi . Instead of the latter , however , a terrible dragon appeared . This monster breathed fire from his great nostrils , and was altogether a dreadful sight to behold . Kweku Tsin was terrified at his approach and speedily hid himself in a cave near by . The dragon arrived at the resting - place , and was much annoyed to find only the deer 's body . He vented his anger in blows upon the latter and went away . Soon after , Father Anansi made his appearance . He was greatly interested in his son 's tale , and wished to see the dragon for himself . He soon had his desire , for the monster , smelling human flesh , hastily returned to the spot and seized them both . They were carried off by him to his castle , where they found many other unfortunate creatures also awaiting their fate . All were left in charge of the dragon 's servant - a fine , white cock - which always crowed to summon his master , if anything unusual happened in the latter 's absence . The dragon then went off in search of more prey . Kweku Tsin now summoned all his fellow - prisoners together , to arrange a way of escape . All feared to run away - because of the wonderful powers of the monster . His eyesight was so keen that he could detect a fly moving miles away . Not only that , but he could move over the ground so swiftly that none could outdistance him . Kweku Tsin , however , being exceedingly clever , soon thought of a plan . Knowing that the white cock would not crow as long as he has grains of rice to pick up , Kweku scattered on the ground the contents of forty bags of grain which were stored in the great hall . While the cock was thus busily engaged , Kweku Tsin ordered the spinners to spin fine hempen ropes , to make a strong rope ladder . One end of this he intended to throw up to heaven , trusting that the gods would catch it and hold it fast , while he and his fellow - prisoners mounted . While the ladder was being made , the men killed and ate all the cattle they needed - reserving all the bones for Kweku Tsin at his express desire . When all was ready the young man gathered the bones into a great sack . He also procured the dragon 's fiddle and placed it by his side . Everything was now ready . Kweku Tsin threw one end of the ladder up to the sky . It was caught and held . The dragon 's victims began to mount , one after the other , Kweku remaining at the bottom . By this time , however , the monster 's powerful eyesight showed him that something unusual was happening at his abode . He hastened his return . On seeing his approach , Kweku Tsin also mounted the ladder - with the bag of bones on his back , and the fiddle under his arm . The dragon began to climb after him . Each time the monster came too near the young man threw him a bone , with which , being very hungry , he was obliged to descend to the ground to eat . Kweku Tsin repeated this performance till all the bones were gone , by which time the people were safely up in the heavens . Then he mounted himself , as rapidly as possible , stopping every now and then to play a tune on the wonderful fiddle . Each time he did this , the dragon had to return to earth , to dance - as he could not resist the magic music . When Kweku was quite close to the top , the dragon had very nearly reached him again . The brave youth bent down and cut the ladder away below his own feet . The dragon was dashed to the ground but Kweku was pulled up into safety by the gods . The latter were so pleased with his wisdom and bravery in giving freedom to his fellowmen , that they made him the sun the source of all light and heat to the world . His father , Anansi , became the moon , and his friends the stars . Thereafter , it was Kweku Tsin 's privilege to supply all these with light , each being dull and powerless without him . " That 's a charming flower , " said the woman , and gave it a kiss on its pretty red and yellow petals . But just as she kissed it the flower gave a loud crack and opened . You could see it was a real tulip , only right in the middle of it , on the green stool that is there , sat a tiny little girl , as delicate and pretty as could be . She was only a thumb - joint long , so she was called Thumbelina . She was given a splendid lacquered walnut shell for a cradle , blue violet leaves for mattresses , and a rose - leaf for a counterpane . There she slept at night , but in the daytime she played about on the table , where the woman had put a plate , round which she put a whole wreath of flowers with their stalks in the water ; and on the water floated a large tulip - leaf on which Thumbelina could sit and sail from one side of the plate to the other . She had two white horse - hairs to row with . It was really beautiful to see her ; she could sing too - oh , so delicately and prettily as no one had ever heard . " That would make a lovely wife for my son , " said the Toad ; so she took hold of the walnut - shell where Thumbelina slept and hopped off with her through the window and down into the garden . Through it flowed a big broad stream , but just at the edge it was marshy and muddy , and there the Toad lived with her son . Ugh ! he was ugly and horrid too , just like his mother . " Koäx , koäx , brekke - ke - kex , " was all he could say when he saw the pretty little girl in the walnut - shell . " Don 't talk so loud , you 'll wake her , " said the old Toad , " and she might run away from us now , for she 's as light as a swansdown feather . We 'll put her out in the river on one of the broad water - lily leaves . It 'll be like an island for her , she 's so little and light . She can run about there while we get the drawing - room under the mud ready for you two to make your home in . " There were a great many water - lilies growing out in the stream , with broad green leaves that looked as if they were floating on the water ; and the leaf that was furthest out was also the biggest of all . To this leaf the old Toad swam out and put the walnut - shell with Thumbelina on it . The poor little wretch woke up very early in the morning , and when she saw where she was , she began to cry - oh , so bitterly ! - for there was water all round the big leaf and she couldn 't possibly get to land . The old Toad stayed down in the mud and set about decorating her room with rushes and yellow water - lily buds , so as to make it nice and neat for her new daughter - in - law ; and then she swam out with her ugly son to the leaf where Thumbelina stood ; they were going to fetch her pretty bed and put it up in the bridal chamber before she came there herself . The old Toad curtsied low in the water before her and said : " I present my son to you . He is going to be your husband , and you will have a delightful life with him down in the mud . " So they took the beautiful little bed and swam off with it while Thumbelina sat all alone on the green leaf crying , for she didn 't want to live with the horrid Toad or have her ugly son for a husband . The little fishes , swimming beneath in the water , had seen the Toad and heard what she said , so they put their heads up ; they wanted to see the little girl . But as soon as they saw her , they thought her so pretty that it grieved them very much to think that she had to go down to the ugly Toad . No , that could never be . So they swarmed together down in the water , all round the green stalk that held the leaf she was on , and gnawed it through with their teeth ; so the leaf went floating down the stream , and bore Thumbelina far , far away , where the Toad could not go . Thumbelina sailed past many places , and the little birds in the bushes saw her and sang , " What a pretty little maid ! " The leaf floated further and further away with her , and thus it was that Thumbelina went on her travels . A beautiful little white butterfly kept flying round her , and at last settled on the leaf , for it took a fancy to Thumbelina , and she was very happy , for now the Toad could not get at her , and everything was beautiful where she was sailing : the sun shone on the water and made it glitter like gold . She took her sash and tied one end of it to the butterfly , and the other end she fastened to the leaf , and it went along much faster with her , for of course she was standing on the leaf . Just then a large Cockchafer came flying by and caught sight of her , and in an instant he had grasped her slender body in his claws , and flew up into a tree with her . But the green leaf went floating downstream and the butterfly with it , for he was tied to the leaf and could not get loose . Goodness ! how frightened poor Thumbelina was when the Cockchafer flew up into the tree with her . But she was most of all grieved for the pretty white butterfly which she had tied to the leaf , for unless it got loose it would be starved to death . However , the Cockchafer cared nothing about that . He alighted with her on the largest green leaf on the tree , and gave her honey out of the flowers to eat , and told her she was very pretty , though she wasn 't in the least like a Cockchafer . Later on all the other Cockchafers that lived in the tree came and paid calls . They looked at Thumbelina , and the young lady Cockchafers brushed their feelers and said : " Why , she 's only got two legs ! a wretched sight ! " " She 's got no feelers , " they said . " She 's quite thin in the waist . Dreadful ! She looks just like a human being ! How ugly she is ! " said all the lady Cockchafers ; yet Thumbelina was as pretty as could be , and so thought the Cockchafer who had carried her off ; but when all the rest said she was horrid , he came to think so too at last , and wouldn 't have anything to do with her , she could go wherever she chose . They flew down from the tree with her and put her on a daisy , and there she sat and cried because she was so ugly that the Cockchafers wouldn 't keep her - and yet she was the prettiest thing you could imagine , and delicate and bright like the loveliest rose - leaf . All the summer through poor Thumbelina lived quite alone in the big wood . She plaited herself a bed of green stalks and hung it up under a large dock leaf so as to be out of the rain . She picked the honey out of the flowers and ate it , and she drank the dew which lay every morning on the leaves . There she spent the summer and the autumn ; but then came winter , the long cold winter . All the birds that had sung so prettily to her , flew their way ; the trees and flowers withered , and the big dock - leaf under which she had lived rolled up and turned to nothing but a yellow dry stalk , and she was terribly cold , for her clothes were in rags , and Just outside the wood where she was now , lay a large cornfield , but the corn had long been off it , and only the bare dry stubble stuck out of the frozen ground . This was like a whole forest for her to get through , and oh ! how she did shiver with cold ! At last she came to a Fieldmouse 's door , which was a little hole down among the stubble . There the Fieldmouse lived snug and happy , with a whole room full of corn , a lovely kitchen and dining - room . Poor Thumbelina went up to the door just like any little beggar girl , and asked for a little bit of barleycorn , for she hadn 't had anything whatever to eat for two days . " Poor little thing , " said the Fieldmouse , who was at heart a kind old fieldmouse , " you come into my warm room and have dinner with me . " And as she had taken a liking to Thumbelina she said : " You can stay the winter with me and welcome , only you 'll have to keep my room nice and clean and tell me stories , for I 'm very fond of them . " And Thumbelina did as the kind old Fieldmouse asked , and had a very pleasant time of it . " We shall soon be having a visitor , " said the Fieldmouse . " My neighbour calls on me every weekday ; he 's even better housed than I am ; his rooms are big , and he goes about in such a beautiful black velvet coat ! Ah , if only you could get him for a husband ! You would be well set up . But he can 't see . Mind and tell him the very prettiest stories you know ! " But Thumbelina didn 't care much about this - she didn 't want to marry the neighbour , for he was a Mole . He came and paid a call in his black velvet coat . He was very well off and very learned , the Fieldmouse said : " His mansion was more than twenty times the size of hers , and he was very well informed " ; but he didn 't like the sun and the pretty flowers , and abused them , for he had never seen them . Thumbelina had to sing , and she sang both " Cockchafer , Cockchafer fly away home " and also " The monk walked in the meadow " , and the Mole fell in love with her for her pretty voice ; but said nothing about it , for he was a very cautious man . The Mole took a bit of touchwood in his mouth ( for that shines like fire in the dark ) and went in front and lighted them along through the long dark passage , and when they got to where the dead bird lay , the Mole pushed his broad back against the ceiling and lifted the earth so that there was a big hole which let in the light : in the middle of this floor lay a dead swallow with its pretty wings close against its sides and its legs and head down in among its feathers : the poor bird had certainly died of cold . Thumbelina was very sorry for it ; she was fond of all the little birds that had sung and twittered so prettily to her all the summer long ; but the Mole kicked it with his short leg and said : " He won 't be squeaking any more ! It must be wretched to be born a little bird ! Thank God , none of my children will be like that . A bird has nothing but its twit , twit , and is bound to starve to death in winter . " The Mole now stopped up the hole through which the daylight shone in , and saw the ladies home . But that night Thumbelina couldn 't sleep at all , so she got out of bed and plaited a nice large coverlet of hay , and carried it down and spread it about the dead bird , and then she laid some soft cotton wool she had found in the Fieldmouse 's room , on the bird 's sides , so that it might lie warmly on the cold ground . " Farewell , you pretty little bird , " said she ; " farewell , and thank you for your lovely singing in the summer , when all the trees were green and the sun shone so hot on us . " She laid her head against the bird 's heart , and got quite a fright all at once , for it seemed as if something was knocking inside ! It was the bird 's heart . The bird was not dead ; it was only in a swoon , and now that it was warmed , it came to life again . " Oh , " said Thumbelina , " but it 's dreadfully cold outside , snowing and freezing ! You must stay in your warm bed , I 'll nurse you , be sure ! " Then she brought the swallow some water in the leaf of a plant , and it drank , and told her how it had hurt its wing on a thorn bush , and so couldn 't fly as well as the other swallows when they set out to fly , far , far away to the warm countries . At last it had fallen to the ground , but it couldn 't remember any more and didn 't know in the least how it had got to where it was . As soon as spring came and the sun 's warmth got into the ground , the swallow said good - bye to Thumbelina , who opened the hole which the Mole had made above . The sun shone in delightfully , and the swallow asked if Thumbelina would not come with it : she could sit on its back and they would fly away into the greenwood . But Thumbelina knew that it would grieve the old Fieldmouse , if she left her like that . " No , I can 't , " said Thumbelina . " Good - bye , good - bye , you kind pretty maid , " said the swallow , and flew out into the sunshine . Thumbelina stood looking after it , and the water stood in her eyes , for she was very fond of the poor swallow . " This summer you must make your trousseau , " the Fieldmouse told her ; for their neighbour , the tiresome Mole in the black velvet coat , had proposed to her . " You shall have both woollen and linen - something to sit in and to lie on when you are the Mole 's wife . " So Thumbelina had to spin on the distaff , and the Fieldmouse hired four spiders to spin and weave day and night . Every evening the Mole called in , and they always talked about how when summer was over the sun wouldn 't be near as hot : just now it was scorching the ground as hard as a stone : ah yes , when the summer was over Thumbelina should be married . But she wasn 't at all pleased ; she didn 't like the tiresome Mole one bit . Every morning when the sun rose and every evening when it set she stole out to the doorway , and there , when the wind parted the heads of corn , so that she could see the blue sky , she thought how bright and pretty it was outside , and longed to get another sight of the dear swallow : but he never came , he must certainly be flying far away in the beautiful greenwood . By the time autumn came , Thumbelina had all her trousseau ready . " In four weeks ' time you shall be married , " the Fieldmouse told her , but Thumbelina cried and said she wouldn 't marry the tiresome Mole . " Rubbish , " said the Fieldmouse , " don 't be pigheaded or I 'll bite you with my white teeth . It 's a splendid husband you 're getting . The queen herself hasn 't the like of his black velvet coat ; and a full kitchen and cellar he has , too ! Just you thank your Maker for him . " " Farewell ! Farewell ! bright sun , " she said , stretching her arms upwards and stepping a little way outside the Fieldmouse 's house , for now the corn was reaped , and only the dry stubble left . " Farewell ! Farewell ! " she said again , and threw her arms about a little red flower that grew there . " Give my love to the dear swallow for me if ever you see him . " Twit ! Twit ! sounded at that moment above her head . She looked up and there was the swallow just flying by . He was overjoyed when he caught sight of Thumbelina , and she told him how she hated to have the ugly Mole for a husband , and how she must live right down underground where the sun never shone . She couldn 't help crying . " Cold winter is coming , " said the swallow . " I am going to fly far away to the warm countries , will you come with me ? You can sit on my back , only tie yourself tight with your sash , and we 'll fly far away from the ugly Mole and his dark home , far over the mountains to the warm countries where the sun shines fairer than here , and there is always summer and lovely flowers . Do fly away with me , you sweet little Thumbelina , who saved my life when I lay frozen in that dark cellar underground . " At last they got to the warm countries . There the sun shone far brighter than here , the sky seemed twice as high , and on hedges and ditches grew the loveliest clusters of grapes , green and purple . In the woods grew oranges and lemons , there was a scent of myrtle and mint , and in the roads pretty children ran about and played with great gay butterflies . But the swallow flew still further , and the country grew more and more delightful . Under splendid trees , beside a blue lake , stood a shining palace of white marble , built in ancient days , with creepers twining about its tall pillars . At its top were a number of swallows ' nests , one of which was the home of the swallow who was carrying Thumbelina . A great white marble column lay there , which had fallen down and broken into three pieces : between them grew large beautiful white flowers . The swallow flew down with Thumbelina and set her on one of the broad leaves . But what a surprise for her ! A little man was sitting in the middle of the flower , as white and transparent as if he were made of glass , with the prettiest gold crown on his head and the loveliest bright wings on his shoulders , and he was no bigger than Thumbelina . He was the angel of the flower . In each of them there lived such another little man or woman , but this one was the king of them all . " Goodness , how beautiful he is , " Thumbelina whispered to the swallow . The little prince was quite alarmed by the swallow , which was a giant bird to him , tiny and delicate as he was , but when he saw Thumbelina he was delighted , for she was by far the prettiest girl he had ever seen . He took his gold crown off his head and laid it upon hers , asked what her name was , and whether she would be his wife , for then she would become queen of all the flowers . Here indeed was a husband - very different from the Toad 's son or the Mole with his black velvet coat . So she said " Yes " to the handsome prince ; and out of every flower there came a lady or a lord , so pretty that it was a pleasure to see them . Everyone brought Thumbelina a present , but the best of all was a pair of beautiful wings taken from a big white fly . They were fastened to Thumbelina 's back , and then she could fly from flower to flower . There were great rejoicings , and the swallow sat on his nest up there and sang to them as well as ever he could ; but at heart he was sad , for he was very fond of Thumbelina and would have liked never to be parted from her . " You shan 't be called Thumbelina , " the angel of the flower said to her ; " it 's an ugly name , and you are very pretty ; we will call you Maia . " It was very pleasant out in the country . It was summer time , the corn was yellow , the oats green , the hay was stacked down in the green meadows , and there the stork walked about on his long red legs and talked Egyptian . He had learnt the language from his mother . Round the fields and meadows there were large woods and within them deep lakes : indeed , it was pleasant out in the country . Full in the sunshine , an old manor house stood , surrounded by a deep moat , and from the base of the walls right down to the water great dock plants grew - so tall that a little child could stand upright under the largest of them . It was as lonely in among them as in the thickest wood ; and there a Duck was sitting on her nest . She had got to hatch out her little Ducklings , but by this time she was well nigh tired out , they took so long about it , and she had very few callers . The other Ducks preferred swimming about the moat to coming up and sitting under a dock - leaf to chat with her . " Do you suppose this is all the world ? " said their mother ; " why , it stretches out far beyond the other side of the garden , right into the parson 's field - but I 've never been there . You 're all there , I suppose ? " and she got up . " No , that 's not all ; there lies the biggest egg still . How long will it take ? I 'm really almost sick of it , " and with that she sat down again . " Well , how goes it ? " asked an elderly Duck who came to call on her . " Oh , this one egg takes a dreadful long time , " said the sitting Duck ; " it won 't break . But just you look at the others ! They are the sweetest Ducklings I 've ever seen ; they 're all just like their wretch of a father , who never comes to see me . " " Let me look at the egg that won 't hatch , " said the old Duck ; " you may be sure that 's a turkey 's egg . I was made a fool of once that way , and I had my share of trouble and anxiety with the young ones , I can tell you , for they are afraid of the water . I couldn 't get them to go in ! I quacked and I pecked , but it was no good . Let me see the egg . Ah , yes , that 's a turkey 's egg ; you just let it lie and teach the rest to swim . " " Oh , I 'll just sit on it a bit longer , " said the Duck . " As I 've sat so long , I may as well give it a Whitsun week ! " " Just as you please , " said the old Duck , and walked off . At last the big egg opened . " Pip ! pip ! " said the young one , scrambling out ; he was very big and ugly . The Duck looked at him : " That 's a fearfully big Duckling , that is , " she said . " None of the others look like that . I suppose it can 't be a turkey poult ! Well , we 'll soon see ; into the water he shall go , if I have to kick him out myself . " Next day the weather was perfectly delicious : the sun shone all over the green docks , and the mother Duck and all her family came out , and down to the moat . Splash ! Into the water went she . " Quack , quack ! " she said , and one Duckling after another plumped in . The water went over their heads , but they were up again in a moment and swam beautifully . Their legs worked of themselves , and now they were all out in the water , and even the ugly grey one was swimming with them . " No , no , that 's no turkey , " she said . " Look how nicely he uses his legs , and how well he holds himself up . That 's my own child ! He 's really quite handsome if you look at him properly . Quack , quack ! Come along with me and I 'll take you out into the world and introduce you to the duck - yard , but mind and keep close to me so that nobody can tread on you , and do look out for the cat . " " Look , that 's the way the world goes , " said the mother Duck - her beak watering a little , for she would have liked the eel 's head herself . " Now then , use your legs , " she said ; " mind and look alive , and stoop your necks to the old Duck over there , she 's the most distinguished person here ; she 's of Spanish descent , so she 's something special , and you see she 's got a red rag round her leg . That is an extraordinarily splendid thing , the greatest distinction any duck can have ; it means that people can 't do without her , and she must be recognized by animals and men alike . Now then , look alive ! Don 't turn your toes in ! A duckling that 's properly brought up keeps its legs wide apart , like father and mother . Look here ! Now then ! Make a bow and say quack . " So they did ; but the other ducks round them looked at them and said , quite loud , " Look there ! Now we 've got to have all this mob on the top of us , as if there weren 't enough of us already ; and poof ! what an object that duckling is ! We can 't stand him " ; and a duck rushed at him and bit him in the neck . " That can 't be done , your grace , " said the mother Duck . " He 's not handsome , but he has a really good disposition , and swims as nicely as any of the rest , even better , I venture to say . I believe he will grow handsome , or perhaps in time he will grow even somewhat smaller ; he has lain too long in the egg , and so has not acquired a proper shape . " And she picked at his neck and smoothed him down . " Besides , he 's a drake , " she went on , " so it doesn 't matter quite so much . He has , I believe , a good constitution and will win through in the end . " So they made themselves at home : but the poor Duckling who had come last out of the egg and looked so ugly , was bitten and buffeted and made to look a fool by the hens and the ducks alike . " He 's too big , " they all said ; and the turkey cock , who was born with spurs , and considered himself an emperor on the strength of it , blew himself up like a ship under full sail and went straight at the Duckling , gobbling and getting quite red in the head . The poor Duckling didn 't know where to stay or which way to go , he was so miserable at being ugly and the butt of the whole duck - yard . That was the first day , and as time went on it got worse and worse . The wretched Duckling was chased about by everybody , and even his mother and sisters were nasty to him , and kept saying : " I wish the cat would get you , you ugly devil . " And his mother said : " I wish you 'd get right away " ; and the ducks bit him and the hens pecked him , and the maid who had to feed the creatures kicked at him . So he ran away , and flew over the fence . The little birds in the bushes shot up in the air in a fright . " That 's because I 'm so ugly , " the Duckling thought , and shut his eyes , but ran on all the same , till he got out into the wide marsh where the wild - duck lived ; and there he lay all night , for he was very tired and very unhappy . In the morning the wild - duck flew up and caught sight of their new comrade . " What sort of a chap are you ? " they asked ; and the Duckling turned to this side and that and greeted them as well as he could . " You 're precious ugly , " said the wild - ducks ; " but that doesn 't matter to us as long as you don 't marry into our family . " Poor wretch ! He wasn 't thinking much about marrying , as long as he could be allowed to lie among the reeds , and drink a little marsh water . There he lay two whole days , and then came a pair of wild geese ( or rather wild ganders , for they were both he 's ) : they hadn 't been hatched out very long , and so they were particularly lively . " Here , mate , " they said , " you 're so ugly I quite like you . Will you come along and be a migrant ? Close by in another marsh there 's some sweet pretty wild geese - all young ladies that can say Quack . You 're so ugly you could make your fortune with them . " At that moment there was a Bang ! Bang ! and both the wild geese fell dead among the reeds , and the water was stained blood red . Another bang ! bang ! and whole flights of geese flew up from the reeds , and there was yet another bang ! a great shoot was afoot . The sportsmen were all round the marsh , some even sitting up among the branches of trees that stretched out over the reeds . The blue smoke drifted like clouds , in among the dark stems , and hung far out over the water . The dogs went splash ! splash ! into the mud , and the reeds and rushes swayed hither and thither ; it was terrible for the wretched Duckling , who was bending his neck to get it under his wing , when all at once , close to him , there was a fearful big dog with his tongue hanging right out of his mouth and his eyes shining horribly . He thrust his muzzle right at the Duckling and showed his sharp teeth - and then - splash ! Off he went without seizing him . " Oh , thank goodness , " sighed the Duckling ; " I 'm so ugly , even the dog doesn 't like to bite me ! " But there he lay perfectly still while the duck shots rattled in the reeds and gun after gun banged out . It was well on in the day before all was quiet , but the unhappy bird dared not get up even then . He waited several hours yet , before he looked about him , and then he hurried away from the marsh as fast as ever he could , running over fields and meadows , and such a wind got up that he had hard work to get along . Towards evening he was near a poor little cottage , so crazy was it that it didn 't know which way to tumble down , so it remained standing . The wind howled so fiercely round the Duckling that he had to sit down on his tail to keep facing it , and it grew worse and worse . Then he noticed that one hinge of the door was gone , and it hung so crooked that he could slip indoors through the crack , and so he did . Here lived an old woman with a cat and a hen . The cat , whom she called Sonny , could set up his fur and purr , and also throw out sparks , but for this he had to be stroked backwards . The Hen had very short little legs , and was consequently called " chicky short legs " . She laid good eggs , and the woman was as fond of her as of a child of her own . Next morning the strange Duckling was noticed at once , and the cat began to purr , and the Hen to cluck . " What 's the matter ? " said the old woman , looking all about her . But her sight wasn 't good , so she took the Duckling for a fat duck that had strayed away . " That 's a splendid catch , " she said : " now I can have duck eggs , if only it isn 't a drake ! We must make sure of that . " So the Duckling was taken in on approval for three weeks , but no eggs came . And the Cat said : " Can you put up your fur , or purr , or give out sparks ? No ! Then you 've no call to have an opinion when sensible people are talking . " " What 's the matter with you ? " she asked . " You 've nothing to do , that 's why you get these fancies ; you just lay some eggs , or purr , and they 'll pass off . " " But it is so delicious to float on the water , " said the Duckling ; " so lovely to get it over your head and dive right down to the bottom . " " Oh yes , most delightful , of course ! " said the Hen . " Why , you 're absolutely mad ! Ask the Cat - he 's the cleverest man I know - whether he enjoys floating on the water or diving down ; I say nothing of myself . Why , ask your mistress , the old woman ; there 's no one in the world cleverer than her - do you suppose she wants to go swimming and getting the water over her head ? " " Well , if we don 't understand you , who is going to understand you , pray ? You 'll never be cleverer than the Cat and the woman , to say nothing of me . Don 't give yourself airs , child , but thank your Maker for all the kindness people have done you . Don 't you live in a warm room among company you can learn something from ? But there ! You 're a rubbishy thing , and there 's little entertainment in your company . You may take it from me ! I mean well by you , and I 'm telling you home truths , and that 's how people can see their true friends . Now just do take pains to lay eggs , or learn to purr or else give sparks . " Autumn now came on : the leaves of the wood turned brown and yellow , the wind caught them and made them dance about , and above the sky looked cold , where the clouds hung heavy with hail and snow , and on the fence the raven perched and cried " Caw ! Caw ! " for the mere cold . Indeed , it regularly gave you the shivers to think of it . The unhappy Duckling had a very hard time . One evening , when there was a lovely sunset , a whole flock of beautiful great birds rose out of the bushes . The Duckling had never seen any so handsome . They were brilliantly white , with long supple necks . They were swans , and they uttered a strange sound and spread their splendid long wings and flew far away from the cold region to warmer lands , and unfrozen lakes . They mounted so high , so high that the ugly little Duckling was strangely moved ; he whirled himself round in the water like a wheel , he stretched his neck straight up into the air after them and uttered such a loud cry , so strange , that he was quite frightened at it himself . Oh , he could not forget those beautiful birds , those wonderful birds ! And the moment they were out of sight he dived right down to the bottom of the water , and when he came up again he was almost beside himself . He didn 't know what the birds were called or which way they were flying , but he loved them as he had never loved anything yet . He was not envious of them - how could it enter his mind to wish for such beauty for himself - he would have been happy if even the ducks had let him into their company - poor ugly creature . Early in the morning a labourer came that way , saw him , went on the ice and with his wooden shoe broke it up and carried the Duckling home to his wife , and there he was brought to life again . The children wanted to play with him , but he thought they meant to hurt him , and in his fright he dashed right into the milk - pan and made the milk splash out into the room . The woman screamed and threw up her hands . Then he flew into the butter - tub and after that into the meal - bin and out again . Goodness , what a sight he was ! The woman screamed out and hit at him with the tongs , and the children tumbled over one another trying to catch him , laughing , calling out - by good luck the door stood open , and out he rushed into the bushes , on the new fallen snow , and there he lay almost in a swoon . But it would be too sad to tell of all the hardships and miseries which he had to go through in that hard winter . When the sun began once more to shine out warm and the larks to sing , he was lying among the reeds in the marsh , and it was the beautiful spring . Then all at once he lifted his wings , and they rustled more strongly than before , and bore him swiftly away ; and before he knew it he was in a spacious garden where were apple trees in blossom , and sweet - smelling lilacs hung on long green boughs right down to the winding moat . Oh , it was lovely here , and fresh with spring ; and straight in front of him , out of the shadows , came three beautiful white swans with rustling plumage floating lightly on the water . The Duckling recognized the splendid creatures , and a strange sorrowfulness came over him . " I will fly to them , these royal birds , and they will peck me to death because I , who am so ugly , dare to approach them ; but it doesn 't matter ; it 's better to be killed by them than to be snapped at by the ducks and pecked at by hens and kicked by the servant who looks after the poultry - yard , and suffer all the winter . " So he flew out into the open water and swam towards the stately swans , and they saw him and hastened with swelling plumage to meet him . " Yes , kill me , " the poor creature said , bowing his head down to the water , and waited for death . But what did he see in the clear water ? He beheld his own image , but it was no longer that of a clumsy dark grey bird , ugly and repulsive . He was a swan himself . It really delighted him now to think of all the hardships and adversities he had suffered , now he could rightly discern his good fortune and all the beauty that greeted him . The great swans swam round him and caressed him with their bills . Some little children now came into the garden and threw bread and corn into the water , and the smallest of them cried : " There 's a new one ! " And the others called out in delight : " Yes , there 's a new one come ! " They clapped their hands and danced about and ran to their father and mother . More bread and cake was thrown into the water , and everyone said : " The new one is the handsomest of all ; how young and beautiful he is ! " And the elder swans bowed before him . At that he felt quite ill at ease , and covered his head with his wings , and knew not what to do . He was more than happy , and yet not proud , for a good heart is never puffed up . He thought how persecuted and depressed he had been , yet now he heard everyone saying he was the most beautiful of all beautiful birds . And the lilacs bowed their branches down to the water , and the sun shone warm and pleasant , and his plumage ruffled , and he raised his slender neck , and from his heart he said joyfully : " Such happiness I never dreamed of when I was the Ugly Duckling . Then he said to his beloved , " I must now go and leave you . I give you a ring to remember me by . As soon as I am king , I will return and take you home with me . " After this she took leave of her father , and rode away with them . They rode to the court of her former fiancé , whom she loved so dearly . There she asked if he needed any huntsmen , and if he would take all of them into his service . The king looked at her without recognizing her . Because they were such good - looking fellows , he said , yes , that he would willingly take them , and then they were the king 's twelve huntsmen . " Oh , just have some peas scattered in your antechamber , " answered the lion , " and then you shall soon see . Men have a firm step , and when they walk over the peas , none of them will be moved . On the other hand , girls trip and skip and shuffle their feet , rolling the peas about . " The lion said , " They knew that were going to be put to a test , and acted like they were strong . Just have twelve spinning wheels brought into the antechamber . They will go up to them and admire them . No man would do that . " The twelve huntsmen always accompanied the king hunting , and the longer he knew them , the better he liked them . Now it happened that once when they were out hunting , news came that the king 's bride was approaching . When the true bride heard this , it hurt her so much that it almost broke her heart , and she fainted and fell to the ground . Thinking that something had happened to his dear huntsman , the king ran up to him in order to help him . Pulling the huntsman 's glove off , he saw the ring that he had given to his first fiancée , and when he looked into her face , he recognized her . Then his heart was so touched that he kissed her , and when she opened her eyes he said , " You are mine , and I am yours , and no one in the world can change that . " There was once a King who was so ill that it was thought impossible his life could be saved . He had three sons , and they were all in great distress on his account , and they went into the castle gardens and wept at the thought that he must die . An old man came up to them and asked the cause of their grief . They told him that their father was dying , and nothing could save him . " As you have spoken pleasantly to me , and not been haughty like your false brothers , I will help you and tell you how to find the Water of Life . It flows from a fountain in the courtyard of an enchanted castle ; but you will never get in unless I give you an iron rod and two loaves of bread . With the rod strike three times on the iron gate of the castle , and it will spring open . Inside you will find two Lions with wide - open jaws , but if you throw a loaf to each they will be quiet . Then you must make haste to fetch the Water of Life before it strikes twelve , or the gates of the castle will close and you will be shut in . " The Prince thanked him , took the rod and the loaves , and set off . When he reached the castle all was just as the Dwarf had said . At the third knock the gate flew open , and when he had pacified the Lions with the loaves , he walked into the castle . In the great hall he found several enchanted Princes , and he took the rings from their fingers . He also took a sword and a loaf , which were lying by them . On passing into the next room he found a beautiful Maiden , who rejoiced at his coming . She embraced him , and said that he had saved her , and should have the whole of her kingdom ; and if he would come back in a year she would marry him . She also told him where to find the fountain with the enchanted water ; but , she said , he must make haste to get out of the castle before the clock struck twelve . Then he went on , and came to a room where there was a beautiful bed freshly made , and as he was very tired he thought he would take a little rest ; so he lay down and fell asleep . When he woke it was striking a quarter to twelve . He sprang up in a fright , and ran to the fountain , and took some of the water in a cup which was lying near , and then hurried away . The clock struck just as he reached the iron gate , and it banged so quickly that it took off a bit of his heel . He was rejoiced at having got some of the Water of Life , and hastened on his homeward journey . He again passed the Dwarf , who said , when he saw the sword and the loaf , " Those things will be of much service to you . You will be able to strike down whole armies with the sword , and the loaf will never come to an end . " The Prince went to him and gave him the loaf , and with it he fed and satisfied his whole kingdom . The Prince also gave him his sword , and he smote the whole army of his enemies with it , and then he was able to live in peace and quiet . Then the Prince took back his sword and his loaf , and the three brothers rode on . But they had to pass through two more countries where war and famine were raging , and each time the Prince gave his sword and his loaf to the King , and in this way he saved three kingdoms . As soon as they got home the youngest Prince took his goblet to the King , so that he might drink of the water which was to make him well ; but after drinking only a few drops of the sea water he became more ill than ever . As he was bewailing himself , his two elder sons came to him and accused the youngest of trying to poison him , and said that they had the real Water of Life , and gave him some . No sooner had he drunk it than he felt better , and he soon became as strong and well as he had been in his youth . Then the two went to their youngest brother , and mocked him , saying , " It was you who found the Water of Life ; you had all the trouble , while we have the reward . You should have been wiser , and kept your eyes open ; we stole it from you while you were asleep on the ship . When the end of the year comes , one of us will go and bring away the beautiful Princess . But don 't dare to betray us . Our father will certainly not believe you , and if you say a single word you will lose your life ; your only chance is to keep silence . " When the year had almost passed , the eldest Prince thought that he would hurry to the Princess , and by giving himself out as her deliverer would gain a wife and a kingdom as well . So he rode away , and when he saw the beautiful golden road he thought it would be a thousand pities to ride upon it ; so he turned aside , and rode to the right of it . But when he reached the gate the people told him that he was not the true bridegroom , and he had to go away . When the year had quite come to an end , the third Prince came out of the wood to ride to his beloved , and through her to forget all his past sorrows . So on he went , thinking only of her , and wishing to be with her ; and he never even saw the golden road . His horse cantered right along the middle of it , and when he reached the gate it was flung open and the Princess received him joyfully , and called him her Deliverer , and the Lord of her Kingdom . Their marriage was celebrated without delay , and with much rejoicing . When it was over , she told him that his father had called him back and forgiven him . So he went to him and told him everything ; how his brothers had deceived him , and how they had forced him to keep silence . The old King wanted to punish them , but they had taken a ship and sailed away over the sea , and they never came back as long as they lived . At last down went the line to the bottom of the water , and when he drew it up , he found a great flounder on the hook . And the flounder said to him , " Fisherman , listen to me ; let me go - I am not a real fish but an enchanted prince . What good shall I be to you if you land me ? I shall not taste well ; so put me back into the water again , and let me swim away . " With that he went in with her , and in the castle was a great hall with a marble pavement , and there were a great many servants who led them through large doors , and the passages were decked with tapestry , and the rooms with golden chairs and tables and crystal chandeliers hanging from the ceiling , and all the rooms had carpets . And the tables were covered with eatables and the best wine for any one who wanted them . And at the back of the house was a great stable - yard for horses and cattle , and carriages of the finest ; besides , there was a splendid large garden with the most beautiful flowers and fine fruit trees , and a pleasance full half a mile long , with deer and oxen and sheep , and everything that heart could wish for . The next morning the wife was awake first , just at the break of day , and she looked out and saw from her bed the beautiful country lying all round . The man took no notice of it , so she poked him in the side with her elbow , and said , " Husband , get up and just look out of the window . Look , just think if we could be king over all this country . Just go to your fish and tell him we should like to be king . " " Now , look here , " said the wife , " I am king , and you are only my husband , so will you go at once ? Go along ! For if he was able to make me king , he is able to make me emperor , and I will and must be emperor , so go along ! " And so off he went as well as he could for fright . And a dreadful storm arose , so that he could hardly keep his feet , and the houses and trees were blown down , and the mountains trembled , and rocks fell in the sea ; the sky was quite black , and it thundered and lightened ; and the waves , crowned with foam , ran mountains high . So he cried out , without being able to hear his own words , Soon after , she had a daughter , whose hair was black as ebony , while her cheeks were red as blood , and her skin as white as snow ; so she was called Snowdrop . But when the child was born the Queen died . A year after the King took another wife . She was a handsome woman , but proud and overbearing , and could not endure that any one should surpass her in beauty . She had a magic looking - glass , and when she stood before it and looked at herself she used to say , " Mirror , Mirror on the wall , Who is fairest of us all ? " And because of her beauty the Huntsman had pity on her and said , " Well , run away , poor child . " Wild beasts will soon devour you , he thought , but still he felt as though a weight were lifted from his heart because he had not been obliged to kill her . And as just at that moment a young fawn came leaping by , he pierced it and took the lungs and liver as tokens to the Queen . The Cook was ordered to serve them up in pickle , and the wicked Queen ate them thinking that they were Snowdrop 's . Now the poor child was alone in the great wood , with no living soul near , and she was so frightened that she knew not what to do . Then she began to run , and ran over the sharp stones and through the brambles , while the animals passed her by without harming her . She ran as far as her feet could carry her till it was nearly evening , when she saw a little house and went in to rest . Inside , everything was small , but as neat and clean as could be . A small table covered with a white cloth stood ready with seven small plates , and by every plate was a spoon , knife , fork , and cup . Seven little beds were ranged against the walls , covered with snow - white coverlets . As Snowdrop was very hungry and thirsty she ate a little bread and vegetable from each plate , and drank a little wine from each cup , for she did not want to eat up the whole of one portion . Then , being very tired , she lay down in one of the beds . She tried them all but none suited her ; one was too short , another too long , all except the seventh , which was just right . She remained in it , said her prayers , and fell asleep . When it was quite dark the masters of the house came in . They were seven Dwarfs , who used to dig in the mountains for ore . They kindled their lights , and as soon as they could see they noticed that some one had been there , for everything was not in the order in which they had left it . Then the first looked and saw a slight impression on his bed , and said , " Who has been treading on my bed ? " The others came running up and said , " And mine , and mine . " But the seventh , when he looked into his bed , saw Snowdrop , who lay there asleep . He called the others , who came up and cried out with astonishment , as they held their lights and gazed at Snowdrop . " Heavens ! what a beautiful child , " they said , and they were so delighted that they did not wake her up but left her asleep in bed . And the seventh Dwarf slept with his comrades , an hour with each all through the night . In the morning they went to the mountain and searched for copper and gold , and in the evening they came back and then their meal had to be ready . All day the maiden was alone , and the good Dwarfs warned her and said , " Beware of your stepmother , who will soon learn that you are here . Don 't let any one in . " She was dismayed , for she knew that the Glass told no lies , and she saw that the Hunter had deceived her and that Snowdrop still lived . Accordingly she began to wonder afresh how she might compass her death ; for as long as she was not the fairest in the land her jealous heart left her no rest . At last she thought of a plan . She dyed her face and dressed up like an old Pedlar , so that she was quite unrecognizable . In this guise she crossed over the seven mountains to the home of the seven Dwarfs and called out , " Wares for sale . " Not long after the seven Dwarfs came home , and were horror - struck when they saw their dear little Snowdrop lying on the floor without stirring , like one dead . When they saw she was laced too tight they cut the lace , whereupon she began to breathe and soon came back to life again . When the Dwarfs heard what had happened , they said that the old Pedlar was no other than the wicked Queen . " Take care not to let any one in when we are not here , " they said . When she heard it all her blood flew to her heart , so enraged was she , for she knew that Snowdrop had come back to life again . Then she thought to herself , " I must plan something which will put an end to her . " By means of witchcraft , in which she was skilled , she made a poisoned comb . Next she disguised herself and took the form of a different Old Woman . She crossed the mountains and came to the home of the seven Dwarfs , and knocked at the door calling out , " Good wares to sell . " Happily it was near the time when the seven Dwarfs came home . When they saw Snowdrop lying on the ground as though dead , they immediately suspected her stepmother , and searched till they found the poisoned comb . No sooner had they removed it than Snowdrop came to herself again and related what had happened . They warned her again to be on her guard , and to open the door to no one . When she heard the Glass speak these words she trembled and quivered with rage . " Snowdrop shall die , " she said , " even if it cost me my own life . " Thereupon she went into a secret room , which no one ever entered but herself , and made a poisonous apple . Outwardly it was beautiful to look upon , with rosy cheeks , and every one who saw it longed for it , but whoever ate of it was certain to die . When the apple was ready she dyed her face and dressed herself like an old Peasant Woman and so crossed the seven hills to the Dwarfs ' home . There she knocked . " It is all the same to me , " said the Peasant Woman . " I shall soon get rid of my apples . There , I will give you one . " Now the apple was so cunningly painted that the red half alone was poisoned . Snowdrop longed for the apple , and when she saw the Peasant Woman eating she could hold out no longer , stretched out her hand and took the poisoned half . Scarcely had she put a bit into her mouth than she fell dead to the ground . Then her jealous heart was at rest , as much at rest as a jealous heart can be . The Dwarfs , when they came at evening , found Snowdrop lying on the ground and not a breath escaped her lips , and she was quite dead . They lifted her up and looked to see whether any poison was to be found , unlaced her dress , combed her hair , washed her with wine and water , but it was no use ; their dear child was dead . They laid her on a bier , and all seven sat down and bewailed her and lamented over her for three whole days . Then they prepared to bury her , but she looked so fresh and living , and still had such beautiful rosy cheeks , that they said , " We cannot bury her in the dark earth . " And so they had a transparent glass coffin made , so that she could be seen from every side , laid her inside and wrote on it in letters of gold her name and how she was a King 's daughter . Then they set the coffin out on the mountain , and one of them always stayed by and watched it . And the birds came too and mourned for Snowdrop , first an owl , then a raven , and lastly a dove . Now Snowdrop lay a long , long time in her coffin , looking as though she were asleep . It happened that a Prince was wandering in the wood , and came to the home of the seven Dwarfs to pass the night . He saw the coffin on the mountain and lovely Snowdrop inside , and read what was written in golden letters . Then he said to the Dwarfs , " Let me have the coffin ; I will give you whatever you like for it . " The Prince bade his servants carry it on their shoulders . Now it happened that they stumbled over some brushwood , and the shock dislodged the piece of apple from Snowdrop 's throat . In a short time she opened her eyes , lifted the lid of the coffin , sat up and came back to life again completely . Then the wicked woman uttered a curse , and was so terribly frightened that she didn 't know what to do . Yet she had no rest : she felt obliged to go and see the young Queen . And when she came in she recognized Snowdrop , and stood stock still with fear and terror . But iron slippers were heated over the fire , and were soon brought in with tongs and put before her . And she had to step into the red - hot shoes and dance till she fell down dead . |
Earlier today . . . when I was much less tired than I am now , at 9 : 35 10 : 18 pm , I had the thought that I should record the little things that happen throughout our summer days . At the start of most summers I worry about how we 'll get through the summer with all the kids home all day and what I 'm going to do with them to fill the time . This summer has been different . I didn 't dread them being home , I looked forward to it . And even though there have been plenty of days where Jeremy has come home from work to find me in tears ( blame pregnancy hormones and my introverted nature that just NEEDS some quiet ) , I have really enjoyed our summer all together . We 've been on a few trips that will be easy to remember , but I know that I won 't remember what the day to day of summer looks like if I don 't write it down . 1 . This morning , a little before 10 am , I noticed Connor laying on the couch snuggling a stuffed dog . He typically doesn 't stop moving if he 's awake , so this was a red flag for me . After taking his temperature and seeing that he had a fever , I gave him some Tylenol and left him alone , thinking that if he wanted to fall asleep there that would be fine . A few minutes later Alexis and Tyler noticed that he wasn 't feeling well and soon started to fuss over him . Within minutes Connor had ( in addition to his stuffed dog ) a pillow , a blanket , a toy car , a sippy cup of water and an ice pack for his head . And withing minutes after that he was sound asleep . Their love and attention continued all day and I was very touched that they care so much about him and are so thoughtful about what he might need and what might make him feel better . 2 . The kids each have a list of " jobs " they are required to get done everyday before they can play with friends , watch TV , etc . They aren 't all actual jobs , some are just things they should be doing daily , like morning prayer . Unfortunately consistency has never been my parenting strength , and so some days I 'm not too great at enforcing the " no friends before jobs are finished " rule . Today was one of the days where I wavered . I let Ryan 's friend come in while he was supposed to finish up cleaning his room , so of course he put his friend to work folding blankets and making his bed . After that I let him go play with a few other friends without finishing the rest of his jobs . I didn 't even really say anything to him about his jobs , but he showed back up at home an hour later with two different friends , ready to do his jobs . I heard him ask them as they walked down the hall , " who wants an easy job and who wants a hard job ? " A minute later Alexis came out and told me that the friend that wanted the easy job just said Ryan 's morning prayer for him , at three in the afternoon . After that they moved to the table to work on Ryan 's math book . . . Taking a minute to remember these things about our day is good for me because I had originally planned on watching a movie I rented after kids were in bed and while Jeremy was at basketball . But some kids cause problems at bedtime and come out of their room a few too many times and by the time I was done with getting them all to bed it was too late and I knew I shouldn 't stay up to watch it . Connor 's fever hasn 't really let up today , and by the end of the day he was complaining of his mouth hurting . We 'll see what tomorrow has in store for us . . . Posted by Basically a gigantic snot ball . Connor , in particular , has had a really runny nose for weeks , but all of us have come down with a touch of something or other since Christmas . It 's all part of the fun of January . Speaking of January , normally I hate the month more than I 've ever hated anything . And I had a day or two last week where that was the case , but this year it hasn 't been so bad . It 's probably just because we 're so busy that I don 't have much time to hate it , so I 'm grateful for that . Though I would love more than anything to be able to go sit out on the grass with the sun shining on my face . Yesterday Ryan combed his own hair . This is a big deal because Ryan doesn 't like getting his hair fixed and pretty much always looks like he just rolled out of bed . He 's blessed with some thick , crazy , unmanageable hair ! I tried to get a good picture of it but Ryan can 't take a normal picture , he 's always making some sort of funny face , and the picture is usually blurry because of it . But that 's all part of his charm ! Ryan is the kid that leaves me scratching my head in confusion the most . He is hilarious and imaginative , and oftentimes I don 't know how to handle the situations we find ourselves in . That happens with the other kids too , of course , but it happens the most with Ryan . One day last week , when I went to pick Ryan up from kindergarten he was covering his right eye . I thought he was just being silly , then his teacher told me that at recess he got hit with a snowball . We haven 't had fresh snow for a few weeks , so the snowball was actually an ice ball . According to Ryan , during recess his friend found this ice ball and wanted to see if it would hurt when it hit something . Obviously he couldn 't throw it at the ground because grounds can 't talk , so he needed to throw it at a person . He asked Ryan if he could throw it at him , and naturally Ryan had to think about that for a little while . While he was thinking his friend went ahead and threw it anyway , because he assumed Ryan would say yes . Well , it turns out that ice balls DO hurt ! I 'm glad they got that sorted out . Ryan cried for a bit , but didn 't tell the teacher because he didn 't want to get his friend sent to the principals office . We talked about it , and hopefully next time someone asks to throw ice at his face , Ryan will answer NO without hesitation . This summer is my third year attempting to grow a garden . The first two summers went relatively well given my lack of experience , but this year is not going well at all . I did the same things I always do : till the ground , plant the seeds , water the plants , weed the garden . But within weeks little shoots of grass and weeds began popping up everywhere in my garden . And I mean EVERYWHERE . I 'm not sure where they 're coming from , someone suggested that its from the secondary water I 'm using to water . I tried to keep up , but that grass grows faster than I can weed . Eventually I gave up on weeding between rows and unused portions of the garden and decided to just weed immediately around the plants . I 've tried using a weed - wacker to knock them down , I 've tried laying grass clippings on them in an attempt to smother them , and of course I 've tried uprooting them all . Nothing works . They are very persistent weeds . We 've been out of town for the last 10 days , and when I came home last night I was filled with equal parts dread and excitement at the chance to look at my garden . Now you can understand the dread . I went to bed feeling totally overwhelmed with that mess in my backyard . Then this afternoon , after a long , loud morning with the kids , I went out to take a picture of the garden because it 's just that terrible . As I stood there staring at it , I realized that what I was staring at was a perfect representation of how I feel like life with my kids has been lately . So I posted it to Instagram , as you do , with a caption that said , " If I could capture in a picture what I feel like raising my kids has been like lately , it would look like this picture of my " garden " ( which hardly deserves the name garden ) . Wild , daunting , overwhelming , and hard to spot the good through the bad . If only I could figure out how to remove the ' weeds ' in family life so we could all thrive a little more . " Kids , lately , are hard . They fight . . . A LOT . They cry , they whine , they make bad choices , they make big messes , and they challenge me beyond what I feel like I 'm capable of . I 'm not sure what 's changed , but it definitely feels like things have been worse lately and I 've struggled a lot in finding the joy in motherhood when everything feels like this . I know there 's joy to be had , I just have to let it grow stronger and taller than the " weeds " . The fact of the matter is , I 'm good with messy and I like things a little wild . I don 't do neat and orderly , no matter how much I think I want to - - it 's just not me . And maybe it 's not my kids either . Maybe I 'm pushing us all to be things we aren 't . Maybe it 's okay if they 're loud , or if all their clothes are either stained or ripped , or they make huge messes because they are thinking huge creative things . Maybe they need more " fun mom " and less " clean the house mom " . More one on one listening time , and less nagging time . I don 't know , I 'm just thinking out loud here . Doing a little mental " weeding " if you will . How does a mom to spirited kids let them be spirited without giong crazy ? How do you direct them in the right ways wihtout controlling them and squashing their spirits ? These are the things I pray about constantly , but I still don 't have the answers . Writing about it sure helps though , and remembering that its okay to not be perfect . In fact , its okay to be very far from perfect as long as my intentions are good . So here I sit , with two weed patches on my hands , one literal and one metaphorical . I might just have to give up on one of those weed patches for now and let the weeds take over , so that I can give my attention to the other weed patch . Last Saturday we had company coming over so I began to look at my house and yard with fresh eyes , as you do when you know someone else is going to look at it with their fresh eyes . This led me to a last minute scramble of pulling out all the dead sunflowers in the front flower bed , and planting pansies , a small tree , and a few other small flowers . I knew none of my guests would notice , but that 's okay because I was really doing it for myself anyway . I planted the pansies on Saturday and watered them the first few days , but then forgot to water them for the next two . Trying to grow plants has taught me a lot about myself , and I 've discovered that I do much better at caring for things that can make noise and remind me to care for them . ( I think I just had some insight into why my kids are so noisy ! ) Anyway , this morning I looked at the pansies in the flower bed and what I saw was pitiful . The poor flowers were lying on the dirt , as if they had no strength to hold their heads up . They were almost human - like in their despondency , I could see their extreme thirst on their petal faces . I immediately got out my hose and gently surrounded them with water and then went on with my day . A few hours later I went to check on them and was amazed at how they had perked up . They weren 't quite standing strong and tall , but they were working on it . Hopefully the forecasted rain this weekend will give them the rest of the strength they need . As I was watering the pansies , I thought about being a mother , as I basically always do . When my pansies had been ignored and not given what they needed , they showed it by lying feebly on the ground . When children aren 't given what they need , they show it . They rarely act despondent ( or maybe that 's just my kids ) , rather they act out and search for whatever sort of attention they can attract - - even if it 's the bad kind . They say the child that needs the most love is the child that seems to least deserve it . That kid that 's picking fights , throwing toys , crying at the drop of a hat , the kid that you want to lock up in their room ? That kid needs more love . I read recently that children need twelve hugs a day from their caregivers . Twelve ! I have 4 kids . . . so 4 x 12 = 48 . Forty - eight hugs that I should be giving out EACH DAY ! That 's a lot of hugs for a person like myself who generally doesn 't like to be touched . Since reading that I 've been making a more conscious effort to hug them each more throughout the day . I 'm not keeping count because I 'm pretty sure with a few of them I 'm not even coming close to twelve a day simply because I see them less during the day , but I 'm trying to remind myself constantly to hug them . When I walk into a room , I find one I haven 't hugged in awhile and hug them . I don 't make it a big production , sometimes it 's just a little pat to let them know I 'm aware of them and love them . Alexis : I 've always known she needs physical touch to feel love . Though she is 10 , she still loves to snuggle up to you and talk to you . When you 're hugging her she 'll talk , but unlike her typical conversation , she 'll ask about you and show an interest in things outside of herself . ( I 'm not calling her self centered , she 's just a kid and they 're pretty much focused on themselves by nature . ) Tyler : He has always been one of the best huggers ever . He 's quiet and just leans on you for quite awhile , especially in the morning . He never objects to my request for a hug . He 's not the greatest communicator , so for him , hugs are essential . Connor : This kid easily gets hugged two or three times the " necessary " amount each day . All I have to do is sit down on the ground , with my legs spread out in a v in front of me , hold my arms out and call his name and he walks right into me for a hug . He loves them , I love them , so I 'll stock up on them while I can . ( I almost hesitate to hit the " publish " button on this post , only because I don 't know if I 'll have more . Will it be another seven months before I post again ? Or will it happen next week ? No one knows . . . ) I wanted to share two pictures from my phone . I don 't take a lot of pictures , my mind just doesn 't think that way , though I wish it did . But these pictures show things that I want to remember . First , from yesterday morning . The heat was on and Tyler held Connor over the vent so his feet would warm up . He loved it and once Tyler put him down he stayed there with his hand on the vent , smiling and laughing . But what I really love about the picture is the face Connor is making . Yesterday he discovered that he could tuck his bottom lip super far into his mouth , and he spent all day doing it . He looked like a complete goofball and it made me smile all day . I tried to get a closer up picture , but he would smile every time I got closer . I remember each of my babies making this same face at about the same age . It 's fun to watch babies learn and discover new things ! The second picture is from Tuesday afternoon . Geronimo Stilton was supposed to be at the schools book fair for the kids to take pictures with , so we headed over there after a very busy day . When we got there " he " was sitting nondescriptly on a chair . A young girl sitting with " him " announced that " he " would sign a book if we bought one from the book fair , but then informed us in a whisper that inside the costume it was actually a woman named Denise . Well , I hadn 't planned on buying anything , our only purpose of being there was to take a picture with Geronimo because Alexis and Tyler love those books , so I passed on the chance to get Denise 's forgery of a mouse authors signature and snapped this quick picture instead . My kids appearance is a little crazy , but that 's one of the things I like about this picture , it 's very real . Also , Tyler 's shoe is untied because his shoes are CONSTANTLY untied , despite recently learning how to tie them . He 's wearing shorts because he hates pants , and because we had been to a trampoline park earlier in the day . Also , he 's standing a few inches from the chair , a little wary of the situation with the mouse . Meanwhile Alexis is snuggled right up next to it because she is hardly ever wary of anything . She 's got a strip of blue in her hair from some hair chalk , a near daily occurrence . A hole in her leggings because she 's not allowed to wear them to school , but when she 's off track ( as they are now ) , anything goes . And lastly , the sweatshirt she 's wearing has hardly left her body since she got it for Christmas . Probably only grandmas will be interested in this , but the baby is making forward movements . I love a baby 's first crawl because it 's so spastic and uncoordinated , yet they are undeterred by their lack of control over their own bodies . Connor does this funny move where he gets up on his knees and rocks his body forward , and his chest goes flying forward while his arms buckle underneath him , and then they finally follow the rest of him and flop out to the side . Other times he 's up on his toes and pushes his body forward with his toes . It 's all very adorable , naturally . Speaking of football ( sort of ) , Tyler received a set of 32 miniature football helmets - - one for each NFL team - - for Christmas . He knows which team each helmet belongs to , and likes to quiz everyone ( and I mean , EVERYONE ) on them . When he has friends come over he sits them down and pulls out the helmets one by one , asking them to name the team it belongs to . If they get a helmet wrong , he sets it aside and makes them practice it . The other day I asked him to quiz me on them . First I named each team and got probably 30 of them correct , which I think is pretty good for a person who doesn 't even like football . Then he wanted me to go back and name what city or state the team was associated with . That was a little harder and I think I missed 5 . But hes got me practicing them 3 times a day and I 'm sure I 'll have them down in no time . ( Not really . ) I was reading through some of my old posts on this poorly neglected blog this past week and I realized how grateful I am that I 've written here . I read so many things that I had forgotten , that I ( of course ) never thought I would forget . And I resolved to myself that I would do better about writing on here , whether or not anyone else is reading . When I write here , I write about the good parts of being a mom . I know there 's more to me than just being a mom , but I think I write the most about that part of my life because it 's the part the needs constant vigilance to see the good . It 's no secret that being the mom is hard , and if I don 't choose to focus on the good , the hard and frustrating parts can sneak to the front and make it harder to find the joy in being a mother . A few days ago I found myself feeling really sad about the fact that Connor was already six months old . He 's started to do the really fun tricks : getting up on his hands and toes , rocking his body while on his hands and knees , trying to move forward , rolling over both directions , and sitting up . They are such fun things , but they always make me realize that my baby is changing from a little baby to a big baby . I started to think I was so sad because Connor is my last baby ( according to my current plans ) , and it means I 'm finally moving out of the baby stage of parenting . But then I read through my old posts from when Ryan was the same age , and I realized it 's just what I do - - with each baby I get a little sad when they start to move . It only lasts for a short time , and then I remember all the fun that lies ahead . I 've come to see that sadness is a necessary feeling . It makes me appreciate the stage I 'm in before it really is gone for good . As a result , I appreciate each time Connor still rests his little head on my shoulder , and each ( rare ) time I get to hold his sleeping body in my arms . It makes me appreciate the times in my day when I have to sit down and nurse him , even if I think I 'd rather be doing something else . It 's taken me four children to get here , but I 've learned that it really is a privilege to be a mom of a baby . It lasts for such a short time , and I intend to enjoy every last second of it . P . S . Christmas happened . It was awesome . I 've said it before , but Christmas with kids is really the greatest thing ever . All the work is worth it to see their faces and hear their exclamations on Christmas morning . June started out with Ryan turning 3 . This kid is so full of personality and is hilarious , but I often feel he 's under appreciated ! He talks a lot , and he often talks loudly and is sometimes hard to understand , but when you are willing to take the time to understand him you can catch some real gems that come out of his mouth . Also in June we set up the bunk beds , but he doesn 't have any interest in sleeping in his " big boy " bed . He did it for a few nights , but seems to prefer the containment of his crib , so he still sleeps there most nights . He also has no interest in wearing underwear and being potty trained . He likes being a little boy and doesn 't want any of that to change . The first week of June was also the last week of school for Alexis and Tyler . Tyler " graduated " from kindergarten and all the kindergarten classes put on a really cute play showcasing some of the things they learned in class . Tyler loved kindergarten and made lots of friends , including his new best friend Gabe , who is sitting in front of him in this picture . Alexis also made some great friends in 3rd grade , but she also had a REALLY tough year . I think 8 is a hard age , but combined with a move and being in a classroom that was often very chaotic , she was often very emotional . I was more than happy to get her out of school so we could have a summer to relax and distance ourselves from some tough situations and it was exactly what she needed . During the second week of June we had a family reunion planned with Jeremy 's family . I debated about going since I would be 8 1 / 2 months pregnant and it was camping a few hours away from home , but I finally decided I could do . I 'm so glad I did because we had a lot of fun and I know I would have been lonely and bored if I just stayed home . I don 't have any pictures of it because I forgot to take the camera ! Two nights before the reunion I was driving home from picking Alexis up at a birthday party when Jeremy called to tell me he was on his way to the instacare with Ryan . In the background I could hear Ryan crying hysterically , but Jeremy was very calm . He didn 't give me details but told me I could meet him there if I wanted to . Of course I wanted to ! But when I was almost to the instacare he called and said they had to go to the ER instead because the instacare wouldn 't treat Ryan . At this point all I knew was that Ryan had fallen off his scooter and hurt his head and it was bleeding . Fortunately Jeremy 's brother lives right next to the hospital so I dropped Alexis off there , I knew she wouldn 't do well with seeing Ryan upset , as well as seeing the blood . After dropping her off I raced to the ER to see Ryan sitting on our neighbors lap ( he had driven Jeremy there ) while Jeremy was getting checked in . The image of Ryan sitting there is one I wish I could erase but probably never will . He was so incredibly upset , and had a giant bloody hole ( yes , a HOLE ! ) on his forehead between his eyes . It was so disgusting I could barely look at it . Jeremy took a picture of it once I got Ryan calmed down , but I can 't look at it even now , it 's too upsetting to me . Anyway , I took Ryan from our neighbor and they gave him a blessing , and then he calmed down quite a bit and even fell asleep on my shoulder . But then they had to do a CT scan and had to put several layers of stitches in . I wish they would have sedated him for the stitches because it was very traumatic . They swaddled him in a blanket like you do with a baby , and had us hold his legs down while they numbed him and did the stitches . He did pretty well at first , but I think he was really annoyed because their hands were right in his eyes while they were working , and at one point he tried to scratch his nose and when he realized he couldn 't move his arms he got even more upset . Finally they finished and we left the hospital and he was perfectly happy ! But I was super stressed AND THEN ! Two weeks later , the night before I was due , Ryan fell off his scooter again and cut his forehead open AGAIN ! The first wound was actually caused because a neighbor kid hit him with his bike handle while Ryan was on his scooter . This second time Ryan just fell off his scooter ( which despite all this , he was actually really good at riding ) and didn 't catch himself so his head hit the cement and split , just by his eye . I was on the other side of the house and I heard him crying and heard Alexis yell " Mom , Ryan fell " , and I knew it wasn 't going to be pretty . I took off running ( while 9 months pregnant ) and saw blood all over his face and said , " You have got to be kidding me ! " This time Jeremy wasn 't home so I had Alexis call him , and I was able to stay relatively calm , mainly because I could tell the cut was MUCH smaller than last time . So we cleaned him up a bit , gave him a Popsicle and decided to forgo the ER and just close it up ourselves . Our kind neighbor who 's a nurse came over and did it for us . There was no way any of us could handle stitches again after the last time , and it 's really healing up well . And the best news is he hasn 't done anything like it since ! ( Probably because I made Alexis throw his scooter in the trash immediately after he fell the second time . ) I also had a birthday , but it wasn 't the greatest day so I 'm not sharing those pictures . Also , the 26th of June marked the one year anniversary of my kidney donation . We had Crystal and her family over for dinner a few days before to celebrate , and I was going to take a picture but I forgot ! ( Seeing a theme here ? ) But here 's a picture of me a few days before I had a baby . I didn 't take many pictures of me pregnant , but I really didn 't get as big as I usually do . And then , on June 30th , Connor was born ! He was due on the 27th but I asked them to not induce me until later because I really wanted to see if I would go into labor on my own . So they scheduled my induction for Monday July 1st , but on Sunday morning my water broke . I kept waiting to have contractions but never did , so I finally went to the hospital around 3 pm . They gave me Pitocin , so technically I still had to be " started " but I was just thrilled that my body did SOMETHING on it 's own ! Connor has been THE BEST baby , and is so loved by his older brothers and sister . I expected Alexis to really love him , and I expected Tyler to like him , but I 've been really surprised by just how much Tyler really likes him . He wants to hold him all the time and play with him and talk to him . He is the one that gives Connor the most attention and will often tell me what Connor 's up to , if he 's tired , if he 's crying , if he 's sleeping . He 'll usually say , " Mom , I think Connor 's tired , he 's got his tired eyes on . " I love that he 's made up a phrase like " tired eyes " ! Ryan likes him too , but doesn 't know how to be gentle with him . Or how to not yell in his ear . Connor is in for a loud life , though he himself is very calm and patient . I 'm hoping he 'll continue to be the peacemaker in the family . Jeremy gave Ryan a mullet without asking me first . 4 days after I had a baby . I wasn 't too pleased . But I got used to it and we kept it like that for 2 months . Jeremy took the kids out on the Rhino a few times . This summer Tyler has taught himself how to swim and become quite the good swimmer . He 's good enough that I let him jump off the low dive at a local swimming pool . The water was 13 feet deep , which always makes me nervous , but he did great . After a few jumps he asked if he could do a front flip off the diving board ! He 's crazy ! In the middle of August Alexis turned 9 ! She was so excited for her birthday , and is at the age where things are starting to get expensive . Here she is seeing the cake grandma made for her . It had three different layers of three different flavors of cake ! One thing she really wanted this year was an iPod . So she got one ! One of the best things about Alexis is how excited she gets when you give her something . Whether it 's big or little , she loves to receive gifts and always makes it worth the giver 's while . So it was equally exciting for us to give her the iPod . Here 's a picture of Connor with my sister 's son , Jackson , who was born two weeks before Connor . These little cousins are going to be so fun to watch grow up together . Grandma with her arms full . . . just the way she likes it ! The day after Alexis ' birthday was one of my most exciting days of the summer . . . the first day of school ! Tyler went off to first grade and Alexis went to fourth . For awhile I felt guilty about how desperately I needed them to go to school . You often hear of moms talk about how sad they are when their kids start school , and how much they love to have them around . In fact , I think I 've written that on this blog a time or two . And I started to wonder if maybe I wasn 't as good a mom as those other moms , but then I realized a few things . One being that I have four kids now , which is more time consuming and demanding than when I had two , so I think it 's perfectly natural to enjoy having less kids around for part of the day . And second , I 'm not a high energy noisy person . I 've always been mellow and I 've always needed my space and my quiet and time to myself . And as I said before , I have four kids which means life is always loud and I 'm NEVER alone . So by sending two of those kids off to school I have a greater chance of having some downtime at some point , and having a quieter day so when they come back I can appreciate them even more . Phew ! I do love my children after all ! Do you know what else I love ? My mammoth sunflowers ! I planted these in May and have been patiently waiting all summer for them to bloom . It 's probably safe to say that I 'm obsessed with them . I check on them multiple times a day and am so fascinated with how big they get . It 's hard to tell from this picture , but they are pretty tall . From the ground to the top of the gutter is 11 feet , and a few of them go past the gutter . One is 12 feet tall ! ! I 've done a little research since planting these and am really excited to try and make them even bigger next year . This summer was also our first summer gardening . Probably planting a garden while 8 months pregnant and then trying to care for it when you have a newborn is not the greatest idea , but it 's been a lot of fun anyway . I have lots to learn and I 'm excited to try again next year , but I 've loved it . I took this picture below to remind myself next year to try and contain my tomato plants better next year . I think they are the most unruly tomato plants I 've ever seen . But they sure do produce a lot of tomatoes ! Probably too many tomatoes . . . Jeremy spent all summer constructing these cornhole boards . He made two sets , and I 'm sure he could have got them done sooner if it weren 't for the new baby . But he had fun building them and got to exercise his creativity a bit . He 's so talented ! And finally , last Sunday Jeremy blessed Connor at church . He 's 8 weeks old now and I can hardly believe it ! The time has flown by and I 'm try to snuggle him up every spare minute I can because he 's growing up already way too quickly . Life is starting to return to normal , which is nice , but this is the first time I have loved having a newborn . Why can 't I learn to appreciate things sooner ? ? He does smile now , but I couldn 't get him to smile on Sunday while I was trying to take his picture . But then Alexis came along and he was all smiles ! I might be biased , but that 's the cutest group of kids I 've ever seen . And that wraps up our Summer summary ! Posted by You know how people always tell you to not wish away the times when your kids are young and with you constantly because when they get older you see less of them ? Yet when you have toddlers you think it 's not possible that they will ever go away ? Well , I can see it happening with Alexis already . She still needs plenty of things from me , but I 've realized lately that I don 't see her as much as I used to . Between being at school all day , piano , tumbling , activity days , friends , homework , her new favorite computer game , and reading , our interactions have dwindled . The boys still follow me around like I 've got candy falling out of my pockets ( Tyler because he 's bored and Ryan because he 's that age ) , so it 's not that I 'm lonely , but I do miss my frequent interactions with Alexis . That 's one reason why family dinner every night is a priority to me , and I 've also learned that it 's not such a bad thing to sit down with her while she does her homework even if she doesn 't need my help . But more importantly , I 've seen that if we are interacting less frequently I better do my best to make as many of those as positive as I can . So I guess I should also learn to better appreciate every morning that Tyler is still following me around asking , " What can I doooooooooooo ? " because those times will soon be gone too . Anyway , I am enamored with Ryan as a two - year - old . In my eyes he can do no wrong ( except on occasion ) , and everything he says is captivating and funny . I 'm pretty sure most people feel the same about him , though my vision might be a bit clouded by my bias as his mother . Nearly every night I ask Jeremy , " are you SURE our other kids were this cute when they were two ? " He assures me that they were . Lately Ryan 's into telling me things are boring . Anything he doesn 't want to do is boring . Eating dinner is boring . Wearing any jammies that aren 't his doggy jammies is boring . Going to bed is boring . Sitting in his car seat is boring . And when he 's mad at me ( or anyone ) he says , " I 'm not playing with you mom ! " He knows that 's the ultimate punishment . Alexis has trained him to call her " Alexis Mommy " . One time she told him to call me " Lisa Mommy " but I put an end to that real fast . I didn 't give birth to the child just to have equal ranking with his sister . So during the day he 'll ask " When 's Alexis Mommy coming home ? " He loves her and misses her a lot while she 's gone . I 'm sure he would miss Tyler too if Tyler were gone all day instead of just part of the day . Because that part when he 's home ? He makes himself unmissable by torturing Ryan constantly . Ryan also seems really unwilling to give up his status as the baby , and I don 't think it has anything to do with the prospect of a new baby either . He just likes being a " little boy " . I asked him if he wanted to sleep in a big bed and he declined , saying he liked his crib . He has never once acted interested in sitting on a toilet seat , and if you ask him to he absolutely refuses . If you make the mistake of calling him a " big boy " he will correct you and tell you he 's a " little boy " , except at the times when he wants to do something the big kids are doing , then he 's all of a sudden a " big boy " . I don 't even know what to do about it . A HUGE part of me doesn 't want to cut it , but another part of me knows that it needs to get cut . He 's starting to look a little girly , and he has such a cute face that is hidden behind all that hair . But it 's so thick and curly on the ends and such a pretty color that I just can 't cut it , but . . . he 's not a girl . His nursery teachers have joked about signing a petition saying we can never cut it , but we may have to disappoint them . What would you do ? |
I enjoy peace and quiet , usually . But today I find it grates . In a house full of people I should be hearing something . Well , other than just the sound of pages turning . I blame Jes . She took my journal the other night . She made copies of it and handed it out to the family as they arrived . * sigh * She 's read it already but has yet to say a word to me since she got home . I was first here . I came earlier than usual . I wanted a chance to talk to her , warn her that I had things to discuss tonight . I got the hand . She 's said absolutely nothing to me . I guess I know how this is going to go . Hopefully I won 't lose everyone , but I 'm guessing my time as family is at an end . " Other room please . We need a few minutes to discuss this . " Raven didn 't even look at me as she spoke . I left the room , into the kitchen with me . I might as well have a drink while they discuss my fate . There 's an iPod sitting on the table . I peek back into the living room only to have one of my sisters catch me . I sit down at the table , a glass of whiskey in front of me . I 'm fidgety , and I catch myself playing with the unfamiliar iPod . I can hear them talking quietly but I can 't make out the words . I consider leaving , after all it 's what I figure is going to happen anyway . So why wait ? I get up and grab my purse , slip quietly out the door to my car . I go to put the key in the ignition and realize I 'm still holding the iPod . * sigh * I 'll have to go back inside , I can 't take it with me . I might be a killer but I 'm no thief . I reach into my glove box instead and pull out my stereo cord . I plug in the iPod and turn on the engine so I can have a listen . " Eternity gazed back at me . Like an ocean 's horizon at midnight . Faintest of whispers softly caress my ears and I wonder if it is a nightmare or a dream . " words & music by Jason Sinner I hear the words , listen to the song , and then play it again . I don 't recognize the man 's voice so why does it sound like he 's in my head ? I turn off my car , and head back inside . Sitting out there where someone could see me is making me tense . My timing is … good I suppose . I hear Gwen sending someone in to get me . Monster comes in . My Mikey , my Monster , if I lose everyone else I will still have him . He 'll still have them as well though . I may have brought him into the family but he is family . He smiles sadly at me , hugs me , and we walk into the room together holding hands . Just like whenever he was in trouble with our folks . We stand together , his arm around me . It takes me a moment but I raise my eyes to meet those of the ones I love . I look from one face to the next until I stop on an unfamiliar pair of eyes . This must be Methial . Jes told me about him , he was brought in while I was missing . I feel a shiver crawl down my back , his eyes are steady on mine and I can 't seem to look away . He smiles at me , nods his head as if in greeting , and that breaks the spell . I can 't make myself continue , my eyes drop , my gaze upon the carpet as I await their condemnation . Jes and Gwen look at each other . I don 't have to see it to know they are having a silent debate about who 's going to speak . We 've done this before , only it was between the three of us . I hear a soft sigh , Jes it is then . " When were you going to tell us ? Or were you even going to ? " My eyes snap up to meet hers . " Of course I was going to tell you ! That 's why I came early tonight ! " I step away from the safety of my brother 's arms . " Had you left it alone Jes , I would have told everyone tonight . It 's why I asked for all of the family to be present . My journal is with me , in my purse . I wasn 't sure I 'd be able to say it all , I was absolutely certain I 'd fail . So I brought it with me . It says all the words I didn 't believe I 'd be able to . " I look around and I see distress on the faces I love so much . I 'm broadcasting . " Just wait a sec , please . " I walk outside , breathe deeply , I need control . I sit down on the steps , close my eyes and focus on my walls . Brick by brick they go back up . I feel a jacket placed around my shoulders and I turn to look . It 's Methial . My look is questioning , he simply shrugs and sits beside me . " Penny for your thoughts . " He looks at me briefly before looking ahead again . Stunned does not begin to describe my reaction to his comment . " A penny for my thoughts ? Really ? " I look at him and see a small smile before he looks away again . " Ok , fine . My thoughts … my thoughts are somewhat scattered right now . One thought , why are you here instead of one of my sisters ? But then I realize it 's because they 're all getting themselves under control and that I had little to no effect on you . Another thought , why did I have no effect on you ? Next thought , is there even any point to me going back inside or should I simply get in my car and go home ? Also , why am I spilling all my thoughts to you , and why aren 't you annoyed with my ranting yet ? " He smiles at me again , stands up , and offers me his hand . Before I realize what I 'm doing my hand is in his and we 're walking back into the house . He guides me over to the couch where Mikey is sitting . After I sit down he sits beside me , a little closer than I should be comfortable with but I can 't seem to bring myself to object . Gwen watches with a smirk on her lips . Jes walks in from the kitchen and hands me a glass , a light sip tells me there 's whiskey in my soda . No surprise there , she 's known me most of our lives after all . I take a larger sip and wait . " Ok so we 've decided it 's time to come clean with you . " Not what I was expecting . Over the course of the next several hours my family told me what they had been hiding from me . For years . It turns out my family is full of killers . Not just in defense but flat out , cold blooded killers . I mean , yes I knew my Mikey was a monster , and that my sisters and brothers all had particular skills . I suppose it hadn 't occurred to me what purpose they had set those skills to . We all have jobs of sorts . When our folks passed away Mikey and I came into some money , I 've handled my portion pretty well and haven 't had to have a 9 to 5 job in ages . Mikey drives a truck , a big ass truck . I suppose I now know the reason he loves the open road so much . The rest well … let 's just say they have day jobs and then they have jobs that prefer the night . But those are their stories to share , not mine . I don 't remember leaving , how in hell did I get home ? Mikey had to leave early , he had a run . So I know he didn 't bring me home . How much did I drink while they told me what I 'd been too dumb to see ? Jes tried to make it seem like they were just that good at hiding it but when I look back they really weren 't . I was just that good at being oblivious . Oh god , it 's not even 8 o ' clock in the morning and I already want a drink . I killed , I won 't deny it , but after months in that place one could argue I 'd snapped . My sisters , my brothers , they all told me horrible things . The only one that said nothing was Methial . He sat there beside me the entire time , his hand on my back . I vaguely recall leaning on him after a few drinks . Oh god , I need to call Jes . She 'll tell me it was all just stories . A prank . I need my phone , maybe it 's in the kitchen ? I walk into the kitchen and notice an unfamiliar jacket on the back of one of the chairs . I thought I gave it back to Methial when we went inside . I glance around and notice the back door is open . Given my recent paranoia I know I didn 't leave it open . I look out onto the deck , he 's sitting on the steps smoking a cigarette . The smoke curls around his head , almost a caress , before it drifts away . There 's a mug beside him and only now do I realize that I smell coffee . I guess I know how I got home . Dear god , please tell me I didn 't do anything stupid last night . Well stupider . " He can 't help you , you know . " He didn 't even acknowledge my presence until he spoke . He 's still looking into the trees . And what the fuck did he mean by that ? " God is what I mean . He can 't help you . Well he could , but he won 't . " He gets up , sticks his cigarette into the pot of dirt beside him , picks up his mug , and comes back inside . Without more than a smirk in my direction he drains his cup , grabs his jacket , and heads for the front door . " I 'll see you later Dee . We have a few things to discuss . " After the door closes I can move again , I run after him , flinging the door wide , but he 's gone . Just gone . No motor , and it 's a long driveway so it 's not as if he could already have driven out of sight . There 's a wide area around the house before the trees take over and I don 't see him anywhere . Back into the house , Jes 's voicemail picking up before I even realize I have my phone in hand . " Jes , you need to call me . Like now . Or ten minutes ago . Or come over . Who the hell is this guy ? I need more answers from you . I don 't suppose you 'd be willing to tell me that yesterday was a bad dream ? Or a prank ? Just call me , please . " All I got was a text . " He 'll explain . " Like that helps . And why wouldn 't she call instead ? I 'm officially creeped out . Raven called me . She said she was sorry that she 'd lied to me about what she was doing . She also apologized for telling me the truth . I can 't fault her for that . After I got off the phone with her though I realized I didn 't want to talk to any of the family . So maybe it 's better that Jes didn 't call . I need a shower … or maybe a nice long bath instead . After I locked everything up , I soaked in the tub for a couple of hours . Bubble baths are my weakness . Every little sound was making me jumpy but I was bound and determined to enjoy my bath . Afterwards I wander the house to make certain everything was still locked up tight . This has become a ritual the last few nights . Ok time for sleep . I turn on my bedside lamp , slip under the covers , and turn over . Right into Methial . Ok my throat hurts , I 'm not sure how long , or how loud I was screaming . My back hurts which I guess is what happens when you try to shove yourself through the corner . He 's bleeding . Oh my god he 's bleeding ! What the fuck did I do ? " Methial ? " Ok whispering isn 't helpful . Did I even make a sound ? He 's looking at me . Ok I couldn 't have hurt him too bad , he 's smiling . He 's smiling and walking towards me . He 's not walking , he 's stalking , and that smile scares me . From the top of my head to the very tips of my toes I do not believe there is a single spot on my body that is not complaining . I wish I could say it was a good pain that I 'd had an exceptional workout , or even better absolutely mind blowing sex . God that would be nice . But no , it 's his fault I feel this way but nothing nearly so pleasant . When I got home from work on Friday I had stopped to pick us up our usual . We normally have pizza , a couple of ice cold beers , and watch a movie or two before we fuck the night away . Our version of celebrating the week 's end . He arrived before me which , although unusual , wasn 't a big deal . He 's had a key to my place for six months now after all . He seemed a little out of sorts but it had been a hell of a week so I thought nothing of it . We ate pizza , drank beer , watched the third of a movie , and out of nowhere his fist connected with the side of my head . Next thing I knew I woke up here . I think that was five or six days ago . It might be longer . He hits me so hard I pass out and I have no idea how long until I wake again . Ignoring that I still have no idea what the fuck happened , or why he 's doing this , I can 't figure out why I 'm tied to a bed of all things . It 's even comfortable sort of . It 's hard for anything to be comfortable when you 're covered with bruises , cuts , and even a couple of broken bones ( I think a rib , and a bone in my leg but I can 't be sure about any others ) . And although at some point he stripped me , he seems to be putting a blanket on me as if to let me freeze would be unacceptable . When he comes into the room he puts a straw into my mouth , lets me drink some water . But there has been nothing to eat . As I 'm still breathing I can 't help but think he 's doing something when I pass out to keep me alive but why ? Ok what do I absolutely know ? He 's nuts . Ok that 's not going to help . I did notice that the leg that seems to be broken is also the one tied to the least stable of the posts . I think that 's why he broke the bone . I can The door opens , and he enters the room . He miles at her , and offers her the straw . She turns her head . He orces the straw between her lips and she does nothing . " rink " She shakes her head at him . " ou need to drink or you 'll feel all of this . Now be a good little girl and do as you 're told . " He oesn 't appreciate the glare he 's receiving and he slaps her , hard . " rink " ace " I want to know why I 'm here . Why are you fucking torturing me ? " Her voice doesn 't change , he damaged her vocal cords at some point , he was afraid she might scream . " Because you 're a fucking whore that 's why ! I found your phone with those messages ! To some guy named Brad . You 're MY girlfriend and you 're talking about fucking him ! How you can 't wait to have him … . " He turns away for a moment , shaking uncontrollably . Brad … . Brad , this is about my ex boyfriend from five years ago Brad ! It hadn 't occurred to her to clear an old phone , she 'd chucked it in a drawer and forgotten about it . She starts to giggle , she can 't help it , and she can 't stop it . Even when his fist connects with her cheek she giggles through the pain . " Did you even look at the dates dipshit ? " It 's the last she manages to get out before he connects with her mouth , shattering her teeth . She can 't move so she chokes to death on the pieces that fall into her throat . She 's dead a good half hour before he stops hitting her . He glides silently through the trees , not a sound to be heard . No footprints left behind to mar the path . He comes up to the house , opens a door that no longer remains , and goes inside . She said she 'd be here , made him promise he would wait . And so he would . He 'd never let her down before , he would not start now . As he sits in the dark , he reminisces . Remembering the day he met her . They met at church . She came out from services . He was mowing the lawn She was an angel without wings and she stole his heart before her eyes met his . Within 6 hours he was courting her . Within six weeks he had bought a ring And then came morning . As he stood on her father 's doorstep , his love screaming and crying in the background . Her father gave him back the ring He waited until 3 am , and quietly tapped one knuckle lightly on her window . He saw her shadow as she slipped out of bed , the moonlight causing her white cotton nightgown to softly glow . She tiptoed to the window , parted the sheer curtains , pressing her hand against the glass and mouthed He breathed heavily on the glass , and trailing his fingertip through the fog . Wrote PACK and she smiled and nodded , and mouthed " when . " He breathed again , and wrote 3 AM TOMORROW and melted away , blowing a kiss as he became yet another shadow Reality came with an unexpected boon . A letter from HER and his heart began to beat again and he could breath . . She begged him to meet her at the old rundown shack on the back quarter of her grandmother 's land . As the sun dips beneath the horizon , the sky ablaze with colour , his anticipation grew . He strained his ear for any sound , his eyes peering out into the shadows . But it is silent , no movement to be seen , not even the songs of the nightbirds to keep him company . Her father stood in the trees , her cousins and uncles at his side and not a one was unarmed . He stopped short , his heels slipping slightly in the dewy leaves . Against his throat , the double barrels of the shotgun rested " I told you she was too good for you , but you just don 't listen . " He opened his mouth , and it was suddenly filled with the taste of metal and guessed it wasn 't his turn to speak . " I don 't think I can buy you off or convince you to leave . but she 'll think you did . " He tried to step back and collided with a wall of bodies . He was surrounded . The barrels were removed from his mouth and he abruptly flew as the butt of the weapon smashed against his cheek . He heard a wolf 's cry in the distance , and trembled , fear overtaking him at last . He knew this would not end well . He glanced up , seeing a shadow cross his vision . The moonlight blocked as the men begin to pummel him . Unable to do more than whisper her name . The lone wolf 's voice the only accompaniment to the grunts of the men surrounding him . She glides to the doorway , her hand resting on the splintered wood . She sees his guitar laying forgotten in the corner and rushes to pick it up , holding it close as though it were him , and weeps . From inside , a rattle , and she turns it over , feeling her ring tumble into her hand Smiling , she places the ring upon her finger , and wipes the tears from her cheeks . She steps outside into the darkness , walks like a ghost to the drivers side of his pickup and finds the key still in the ignition . She can almost imagine it retains the heat from his hand . She places the guitar beside her on the seat , and turns the key . The engine roaring as the truck drives towards where her family awaits their destiny The paper the next day told tale of a horrible accident . One of the more prominent families in town nearly wiped out . The only surviving member , a three week old girl . I feel as if these words describe not only my heart but my soul as well . Can a soul be shattered ? I feel as if there is nothing left to wake up for in the morning , nothing left to care about , nothing left to live for . It has all passed me by and I was looking the other way . My mind is wandering , aimless , unsure . Lost in a morass of fear , doubt , pain . My focus is gone , my thoughts scattered to the four winds , hidden from myself . Before I had hearts , hands , souls to help me find my way back . Now , now I am alone . I know who I am , who I am supposed to be , what my purpose is . I have found though that I do not care . It began several months ago . I am only now free of that place , that man , the drugs , and the fear . Well perhaps not the fear . If I were free of the fear I would not be constantly glancing over my shoulder , would I ? I would not have a need to have every light in the house turned on , only turning them off in the light of day . When my sisters see my electric bill they will not be pleased with me . Oh dear god , my sisters . I 'm going to have to tell my sisters . Of course , it would have been nice if even one had noticed that I was not attending our usual Sunday dinners . Noticed and then come to see if they could locate me . I know I have missed a dinner or two in the past but I have never missed without letting someone know . Normally I would have contacted someone . My other sisters have missed previously , without a call , or a text . I 've always made a point of swinging by to see if everything was alright … . No , this is his fault . His alone . Not theirs . They would not have known where to look for me , and had one come along perhaps he would have kept her as well . Or killed her . No I can 't think about that . I must remember that everyone else is alright . I could not bring myself to speak with any of them tonight , I needed to come home , shower . Did you know that showering in an empty house can be terrifying ? The silence is oppressive . However do not turn on the radio or television before you shower . The silence is preferable to the sounds that cover up footsteps , breathing , doors opening … . Stop ! I went by our family home before I came here . I silently peered through the living room window , and in doing so determined it was Sunday . The wine was open , popcorn made , they were watching a movie . It 's one we 've all watched several times in the past . I was surprised to see my brothers as well . They seldom join us and I will admit that I wanted to go inside , crawl into the lap of one of our boys , and stay there . Of course I could not let them see me like that . Stolen clothes , covered in blood ( not all of it mine , he felt pain before he died ) , my hair full of dirt , my skin covered in cuts , bruises , needle tracks … . Thank God I have seven days until Sunday . My family is a little … unusual . We are none of us family by blood , simply by choice . We found each other gradually over the years . We know that we will most likely find more as time passes , it is the nature of our bond . We have had siblings leave , their paths veering away from ours . We have also suggested , rather firmly I might add , that a sibling or two is no longer welcome in the family home . I cannot help but wonder if my recent actions will cause my departure to be desired . We each have a virtue that we identify with strongly . My gift has been eloquence , the capability to speak and be heard , to bring the truth to light without causing offense . I have been told that although I was not born with a silver spoon , I was blessed with a silver tongue . My family knows that a portion of my gift is the ability to broadcast my desired outcome , the positive emotions that I wish to be felt by the others involved . I have recently found out that I am also capable of permitting my fear , my anger , and my hate to be felt by others as well . How I wish I had never been taught that lesson . I don 't actually know how it began , one moment I was home , the next I was not . The day had begun like most any other . My phone ringing . It was , of course , one of my sisters . Raven needed my help . Her primary talent is Justice but she sometimes let it over take her . She 'd gotten herself into a little bit of a pickle and needed me to talk to the group and smooth things over . Not a huge issue . So I told her I would have a quick shower , then head on to meet up with her . I never made it . I was in the shower , I heard a thump and I called out . I thought one of my sisters was over . I saw a shadow on the curtain . And then nothingness . When I awoke all I could feel was heat , surrounding me , entrapping me . No escape . I couldn 't move , my eyes opened in panic to see nothing , darkness . I couldn 't help myself and I began to twist , whimper , cry . Suddenly I was able to move , the heat dissipating , and I felt a light touch on my arm . " Shhhhh … relax my sweet . Everything is fine , you 're safe . " A soft , masculine voice , unfortunately not a familiar voice . " Where am I ? Why can 't I see ? " I wanted to shout with every fiber of my being , but that never gets anyone anywhere . I felt myself broadcast a little of my fear , just a small amount . I didn 't know if it would work , I 'd never tried fear before . Concern but never fear . But then again , what had I ever truly been afraid of ? " No my sweet , none of that . " I felt a sharp prick in my arm and that was the end of that . Every time I woke he was there . If I tried to broadcast my emotions , another needle . If I screamed , another needle . If I cried , or carried on in any fashion , again the needle . As time passed I began to wake more quietly . I felt around my space using what senses I had available . As touch and sight were out of the equation I had to listen , keep myself calm and pay attention when he entered the room . Jes saw a light on and decided to stop . She said she thought I was out of town . Wanted to know where I went for six months without telling anyone . Six months . She also gave me shit for disappearing on our sister . She had to go help Raven , though she said there was a bad taste left behind that nothing could fix . I told her to stop ranting at me that I 'd explain on Sunday what happened so I only have to do so once . The light was behind me so she couldn 't see the bruises . Anyway , after a time ( I 'm not sure how long ) I realized that when it was really quiet , I could hear other voices . The only one that seemed able to tell when I was broadcasting was the man in charge of me , so to speak . I began to send out gentle waves of concern . I could sense a woman in the room to my left , and a man in the one to my right . I knew without trying though that he wasn 't going to be around much longer . I could feel he was letting go . I tried to send him courage , strength , hope . All I received in return was despair . The next time I woke , I sensed nothing . He was gone . The next day I made contact , of a sort , with the woman . I could tell when she was medicated , when she was simply sleeping , and when she was awake . Sleeping meant nightmares . Fear . Awake meant terror . I could only help for short periods of time . Her fear , her terror , increased my own . So I had to keep my contact with her to a minimum . I believed that instead of becoming despondent like that man had , that she was losing her mind . There were times I heard her screaming , but the laughing was the worst . Neither lasted long though , and then I could sense she 'd been drugged again . My captor was away more . I had more time between his visits . More time awake . I 'd begun to notice that my body was in pain . The only times I knew anyone was in the room was when he would come in and the world would disappear with the prick in my arm . I started to wonder what was happening when I was unaware . I 'm not certain how long it took but I must have built up a resistance to the drug . He didn 't know as I tried to be silent when I woke . I could hear him in the room sometimes , writing on occasion , sounds I didn 't recognize other times . I would stay silent , contained , hidden . I would wait , sometimes half an hour , sometimes longer before I 'd try to send out calm , hope , to the lady in the next room . If I didn 't wait long enough he would come back and I 'd get another needle . I finally woke very early one day . I could feel his hands on my body . He was touching me , everywhere . Pinching , squeezing , slapping . No wonder I hurt every day . After that nearly every time I woke he was touching me in some manner . I did my best to remain calm , quiet , let him think I was still out . I didn 't always succeed . Then one day I felt the needle when he came in , but I didn 't go completely under . I could hear him talking to another man . I couldn 't track the words though , the drug made that nearly impossible . I couldn 't move either but I was aware . And then I wished I wasn 't . They took turns using my body . Not just the two , but several men . Different touches , different voices , different men all using my body for their enjoyment . Now I knew why I was bound , blindfolded , why I was being held against my will . My terror overwhelmed me , and that was all I knew for a while . Next time I woke I awoke screaming . He spoke to me and I did not stop , I think it was a few days before I woke again . He changed my drug , I was solidly out again . This time when I woke I planned . I needed to get out . I 'd been waiting , hoping that one of my sisters would arrive , tell me that I was in the hospital , tell me what had happened . They would never have left me in a place like this though . So now I knew , I had to get out on my own . But how ? My hands and feet were firmly strapped to the bed . I wondered about the lady in the other room . Was she trapped as I was ? Were they doing to her what they were doing to me ? Then a couple of days ago , while it was still quiet all around me , I woke suddenly . In the silence I could hear her tears . Her fears filled the room with screaming , though there was no sound to be heard . Her pain , her sense of loss , her anguish surrounded me , drowning me in her . I began to speak . Softly , gently , low . If there was anyone walking past none but she could hear . And she heard . If only she had not heard . My words fueled her , commanded her . My words drove her . Her actions were my thoughts . My pain , my sorrow , my hatred . Her body was free , mine was not . My mind , my voice were all I had . She became my avatar . My puppet . My saviour . Their death . She had been unresponsive for days . They no longer bothered to bind her to the bed . When her controller entered the room , she used my anger , my hatred , my out and out uncontrollable rage as her fuel . I whispered thoughts of death , mayhem , blood and she made them real . When he was dead I still did not release her from me . She killed the man in the hall , tore him limb from limb . After she released me from my bindings I stumbled to the door , leaning against it I looked out and watched his life merge with the water he had been washing the floor with . I did not mourn him though . If he was not one of the men that raped us , then he left us to them . God damn it , who 's here now ? I need to finish this . I need to get it out . But the doorbell is ringing . I 'll be back . I need to be more careful . Devine stopped in , noticed all the lights on , and started to walk around turning them off . I had to lie , I told her I was looking for a mouse . That I thought I 'd seen one and didn 't want to turn off the lights until I found it . She turned to look at me , she looked concerned and I thought I hadn 't done a good enough job with the cover - up but then she shivered and said she hoped I was wrong but maybe I could borrow a cat . I 'm going to have to stop leaving the lights on all the time . It 's attracting too much attention . Tomorrow I 'm going to get a lock for my bedroom door . Maybe I 'll be able to sleep . With my room at the back of the house my sisters shouldn 't notice these lights on all night . I still don 't know her name . I guess I never will now . They killed her , they killed her as if they had plunged the knife into her body themselves . But he wasn 't there yet . They 'd called him so he was on his way . But he wasn 't there yet and none of the others seemed to feel my broadcast as an outside thing . We 'd gotten part way down the hall . We were opening doors , trying to release anyone else we found . We only found two others that could walk . There were others but they weren 't going anywhere . One man had his legs broken , and they didn 't set them properly . He told me he 'd tried to escape and that was his punishment . He asked me to kill him . I told him I couldn 't . I should have then , I did later but not by choice . She 'd picked up the mop , and broken off the handle . As I was untying another lady she turned and put it through some guy 's throat . He came running into the room , yelling at us . She didn 't like the yelling . I tried to rein in my emotions a little , the other lady was becoming violent as well and I realized I was still affecting them . I should have let it be though . We found a man near the end of the hall , he could walk but there was something about him that made me nervous . We let him free anyway and he joined us . We went around a corner and into a large open space , there was a kitchen area on the other side of the room and I could see knives from where I was standing . I thought it was odd that there was no one around but I took it as a blessing and we went across the room . We each collected a couple of knives . The new lady didn 't want to but I told her to grab a couple anyway . I said she didn 't have to use them but it would keep her from looking like easy prey . As we slipped into the next hallway , I noticed all the doors were open , no one to rescue , nowhere for anyone to be hiding . I started to calm down . I could see the doors leading to the outside world just a few meters away . As I calmed down so too did my companions , but I didn 't see it . I was walking in front with the first woman . I really wish I 'd asked her name . As my emotions settled , my broadcast ebbed . I thought we were all there for the same thing . I thought we were all being used in the same manner . I have to admit I was confused when behind me I heard a gurgle . As we turned around we saw that the man we had rescued had cut the other woman 's throat . He was smiling . He was covered in her blood , and he was smiling as he moved towards us . I froze . And because I froze so did the lady I started all of this with . Because she froze , he plunged a knife into her stomach . He did it almost as an afterthought . He was walking towards us , his eyes holding my own , he was nearly past her , she had stopped sooner than I did . Then his hand moved almost lazily to the side and I heard the sound of the knife plunging into her . His smile grew as he pulled it back out , his hand covered in gore as he sliced to the side . He made it two more steps towards me , a couple more and he would be close enough to kill me too , and still I stood . My fear had paralyzed me , he was nearly to me when he stopped with a look of confusion on his face . He should have made certain she was dead , or at least down for the count . Her pain woke her from my fear . Her kitchen knives were in his back . One in the middle , one looked to be in his kidney . As he fell her eyes locked on mine . I caught her before she hit the ground , I held her as she bled out , I cried as the light left her eyes , and I could no longer feel her presence . I 'm not certain how long I sat on the floor with her in my arms . Her blood pooled around me on the floor , his blood mingled with hers but I could not make myself move further away . I hear the doorbell but I need to finish this now . Whoever it is can come back later . It 's taken me two days to get this far , and I have yet to sleep . Maybe when I finish I will . I heard voices coming towards me . One man was talking on a cell phone , telling someone that we were free , that the others were dead , I was the only one remaining . I waited until he was off the phone , until he and the other men were closer , and then I sent them my rage . Their targets ? Each other . I sent my rage , my hatred , and my fear to all of them . The one with the phone suddenly turned to the man beside him and the phone went through his mouth . That was the only one to die quickly . As he turned to another , he turned his back to one and he suddenly lost a part of his spine . He collapsed and I watched him die . It took a while . The one holding the spine suddenly had a chair smash over his head . I lost track of what was happening for a little while as the remaining 5 men made each other bleed . When it was down to one , I put her gently on the floor , took up my knives and walked towards him . I sent him wave upon wave of trust , love , desire . By the time I was close to him he was rather randy . I let him watch as I cut it off . Then one of my knives went through his eye into his brain , he was dead before his scream fully materialized . I went and sat back with the lady , pulled her back onto my lap , and told her that they had paid for what they did to us and that I was going to take a short rest before I went home . I believe I passed out for a while . The next thing I remember is looking up and seeing the man that was my controller . I 'd never seen him before but I recognized his voice when he spoke . He tried to take her away from me . I screamed , loud . He reached into his briefcase and pulled out a needle . I know it was to calm me down but after everything I had just been through I was not going back into that room . No one would touch me again . This man would not get near enough ever again . As he came closer I gathered my strength , and flung her at him . It knocked him over , the needle went flying . By the time he got out from under her , the needle was in my hand , and then in his arm . He was out in moments . Had I left then I could have told my family what happened . They would have helped me deal with the repercussions , with the stress , and the fear . I would have spent the last two days with my sisters helping me to pack while my brothers went looking for a new place for me , something with enough security to please them . But I didn 't . I should have but I stayed . I took him to one of the empty rooms that we had passed , I didn 't think there would be enough time to put him through even half of what we went through but I wanted him to feel fear . So I put the cuffs on him , and a blindfold . The door closed , locked , just in case . In another drawer I found a gag , I didn 't want him to be able to distract me , to make me change my mind . I didn 't want to hear him beg . And then I waited for him to wake . It must have been a low dosage as he woke no more than an hour later , I think . I 'm afraid my sense of time has escaped me somewhat . He jerked awake , his screams muffled by the gag , his muscles straining against the cuffs . I spoke quietly to him . He had to stop screaming if he was to hear my words . He did for a moment , and then he realized what I was saying . The screams began again . As he thrashed , and pulled I slid a knife under his pants leg . He felt the cool metal and stopped moving . I think he was afraid that I might cut him . Up one leg at a time , at the top I allowed the blade to touch his manhood , gently but enough to make him scream in fear . As I cut his shirt off I turned the blade over and left a thin slice along his pectoral muscles , very lightly , it was barely there . But it made him shriek and I was beginning to enjoy his muffled sounds . That should have told me it was time to leave but I didn 't want to . After I disrobed him I began to broadcast my fear to him . He was already afraid and I made him terrified . I whispered softly to him , telling him what I wanted him to do , what I wanted him to feel . I told him what she had felt , what she had done , and I whispered that he would do so much more . I took control of his feelings , subtlety playing no role . I told him a story about what had been done to she and I from our perspectives . I told him a tale about how he was going to make it up to us . I could feel his resistance , his desire to break free from my control , and I laughed . And then I amplified it all twice again as much . I shattered him , and then … . then I released him from the bonds . I instructed him to harm himself . And he did as he was bid . He cut himself , so deeply that I could see bone , and sinew . He sliced his own legs so deeply that the muscles we no longer attached , he could not have stood , walked , run … nothing , and I was pleased . But still it wasn 't enough , and I was lost to my own madness . I took the knife back , and tied him back to the bed . I 'd been preventing him from feeling the pain so far . The pain would have given him strength to break my control and I could not allow that . As soon as he was bound tightly , I released my control including the pain suppression . He roared and then passed out . Somehow some sanity broke through . I could not leave him as he was , but I no longer desired to torture him . I picked up the knife and I slit his throat . Within moments I was bathed in his blood , and yet I stood there . I watched until there was no chance of life remaining . And still I felt unsafe . I lost what control I had regained and the next thing I recall his head was no longer attached to his body . His legs weren 't even in the same room . I left his hands bound as I pulled on a lab coat I found in a closet at the back of the room . I didn 't even try to wash up . Suddenly the fear was overwhelming me again . Any moment someone was going to walk through the door and I was never going to leave this place . I tried to school myself , control it . I couldn 't leave things as they were . Eventually someone would show up even if it wasn 't right now . If they didn 't call the cops , and I was fairly certain they wouldn 't , this would continue . They 'd do this to someone else . Some part of me knew that there were others still tied to their beds but they were dead already , even if they were still breathing . I couldn 't rescue them , and by the time I could get help I was positive that the people running this place would have killed them rather than move them . This was my rationalization . And so I went back to the kitchen , I went through the cupboards and I found alcohol . I poured some out down the hallway I had been in . I poured the rest down the hallway I would leave by , and over that man 's body . Then I went back and lit all the candles I could find . I put them by the trails of booze , by the oven . I sure hoped this was going to work , it did in the movies . I kept one candle with me and I went back to the kitchen to turn on the gas stove . I wasn 't sure candles would set it off but I was fairly sure that a fire would . As I got to the doorway leading to freedom I lit my candle , left the flame up on the lighter I 'd found , and tossed them both down the hall towards the booze . I peered out the door carefully . It was dark enough outside that I felt I could slip into the shadows unobserved . When I was a little a couple of blocks away I heard an explosion , I could see flames in the distance . What do you know , it worked . I still don 't know how I made it to the family home . Or even why I went that way at all . My place would have been closer , there would have been no risk of a family member spotting me had I just gone home . And well , here I am . Somehow I made it home from there . I am dreading Sunday . For the first time ever I am afraid to go to my family . I could lie to them . I could make up a story , something easy , light . Something with no blood , no pain , no death . I could . But I love them . I made a promise long ago , no lies . Not within the family . They all know what I can do , although they don 't know what I am capable of . They will though . It won 't be long and I will be alone , adrift , shunned . There 's the doorbell again . It 's being held down , that means it 's Jes and she won 't leave until she gets her way . I 'll go talk to her and then I 'm going to try to sleep . I close the book , check my makeup to be certain she won 't be able to tell anything , and go answer the door . It 's not just Jes , it 's Raven as well . She 's hoping I can help her out and this time she 's taking me with her . It doesn 't matter that I 'm exhausted , I 'll go and do my thing for my sister . I only hope I can control my emotions . I can 't exactly be broadcasting fear every time someone comes near me , touches me , invades my space … . crap . Jes comes back down the hall from the washroom and I tease her about falling in . She laughs and tells me it 's time I changed the lock on that door , that it tries to keep her in every single time . I tell her not to worry about that door , that I 'm going to start looking for a new place tomorrow . That this place is too big for just me . My sisters , the loves that they are , offer to help and as we head out we discuss what I 'm looking for in a new place . Raven insists that this time I get a place with a pool . As we get into the car we 're laughing , it very nearly drowns out the screaming in my head . |
In my dreams of a little girl , cute little dresses were included with the pretty long hair . Laci has phases where she likes the dresses and other times where she refuses . Laci is starting to be a little picky with her clothes . She has what I call " thunder thighs " already and denim has never been her friend . She refuses to wear any denim or anything similar to denim . She also has issues with long sleeves too . Every morning she complains that her clothes " don 't feel good " . Fortunately , she has learned that she just needs to get used to it . Lately , she has liked to wear dresses and leggings . But jumpers " don 't feel good " . She only has one dress and one jumper right now . So this fall , she has worn the same dress to church every week . I am tired of the dress , even if she isn 't . I asked my mom for some more dresses - but no jumpers . She came through with a few jumpers and dresses . My MIL gave Laci the cutest Christmas jumper and asked her to wear it for her Christmas card picture . I pleaded with Christmas to wear it - if only for a few minutes for the picture . Laci has a mind of her which I normally encourage . The best I could get out of her was just the jumper - no shirt and no tights . She loves the jumpers as long as she doesn 't have to wear anything with it . At least she is cute and the weather was warm enough this weekend to get away with it ! After we painted Laci 's room , I was inspired to do something else . We decided to paint the downstairs bathroom , mostly because it is a small room and would be easy to do . We decided on green . I painted a picture and wanted to hang it in there . We both felt comfortable just picking a green at the paint store . Remember , the " perfect " color isn 't that important to me and I figured I would be fine with any light shade of green . We got home from the paint store Friday night and Charlie was just inspired to get it all painted that night . He was done by 2 : 00 a . m . and we had the room put together that afternoon . I am glad we did it because it gave it a fresh look . But I still think we may have been a bit drunk at the paint store . The color is way too bright ! What were we thinking ? ! ? The bright green is slowly growing on me . When it was just done , we joked that it is the Incredible Hulk room . It was so bright , our skin actually appeared to glow green from the reflection ! But as Charlie pointed out , it is so bright , it is easy to read in there . : ) I am no Martha Stewart . I am not a decorator . The older I get , the more I have learned that having the perfectly decorated house is not important to me . We have lived in our " new " house for 3 years now and have done nothing to it . Laci has been in her room for almost two years and we put a few things haphazardly on the wall and called it a day . It seemed good enough for me . My MIL decided to decorate Laci 's room for her birthday . She painted the walls , bought a new rug and curtain rod and gave her a pack of new wall decals to match the rug . On a scale of 1 - 10 , having a nicely decorated house is about a 10 to my MIL . It is about a 2 to me . I want Laci 's room to be a reflection of Laci - not my MIL and not me . So we compromised . She painted the room a nice pink . I let her pick the pink because the shade didn 't matter to me . It turned out nice . She is going to make new drapes to match it all too . The compromise is that Laci got to decide what goes on the walls and where it goes . I love the craziness of the room . I am sure it is not what my MIL had in mind . It 's not even what I had in mind . But it was done by Laci . L - A - C - I wooden decorated letters - This is the one thing I really wanted to do for Laci and I bought her white wooden letters for her birthday . My MIL bought her letters too and was going to paint them to match . But I asked her if I could do the letters with Laci . I had it in my head that they would be really cute with polka dots and stripes . I got the paint out and kept telling Laci to do the polka dots . After she repeatedly told me no , I remembered that the letters were hers and she could paint them any way she wants . I love her original painted letters . This was a good reminder to me that I need to practice what I preach about letting Laci make her own choices and be her unique self . I added the ribbons and hung them . They are crooked so if anyone asks , Laci did it . : ) The quilt - This is a very special quilt for me that has always hung in Laci 's room . I found the quilt half cross stitched by my grandma . I finished the cross - stitching . My MIL finished the edges of the quilt . I love that it was a gift to her by my Grandma even though she didn 't know it at the time . I love that it was made by all three of us . The wall decals - I thought for several days as to where the wall decals should go to look the best . I got the wall decals out and gave one sheet to Laci and I took the other sheet . Guess which wall I did . I love all the stickers right next to each other in one corner . It 's not what I had in mind but it 's Laci 's room . The rocking chair in the corner was my grandpa 's . My grandpa died before I was born . I have several pieces of furniture that were his and I cherish them all . I don 't have any memories of him so the furniture is all I have . The new drapes are still being made and there are a few other things that need to be put up . But I am happy with how it looks . I am happy that it is her room . I would share pictures of Calvin 's room but there is absolutely nothing on the walls . It never seemed important to me to decorate a baby 's room . He is only in there to sleep and it will outgrow it soon enough . In a year or so , we are going to move him into his " big boy " room . After doing Laci 's room this fall , I am inspired to let him help us with his room then . Our Thanksgiving week was family packed . But that is what Thanksgiving is supposed to be . I can 't think of anything I am more Thankful for than them . Quick Recap - Sunday - Clean house frantically after church . Cousins arrive . Play day . Monday - Play day with cousins at home . Chuck E Cheese . Tuesday - Laci went to the Children 's Museum with cousins . Calvin got to go to school . Yippee . Wednesday - Play day with cousins at Grandma and Grandpa 's house . Thursday - Turkey Trot for Charlie and me . Charlie had a great finishing time . I was about average . But I successfully completed by 400 miles goal ! Christmas picture for the grandkids , play time , Thanksgiving dinner with great grandparents included . I wish we could have taken a big family picture or at least some of the kids with their great grandparents but it never happened . Friday - Play day , drive to my families Thanksgiving . Play with cousins , Euchre tournamentSaturday - Play day , shopping , Muppet Movie , Family pictures ( thank goodness for photoshop ! ) , drive home laterSunday - Recuperate , laundry , clean the house . It 's so fun to watch Laci play with her cousins . On Charlie 's side it is two boys - 5 and 2 . She plays great with the 5 year old . They are constantly one - upping each other , the best that a 4 year old and a 5 year old can . They really do get along well . The 2 year old tries to keep up with them . Next year , he and Calvin can be buddies . In my family , the cousins are older ( 12 , 12 , 11 , 11 , 10 , 3 ) . She has two girl cousins ( 10 and 11 ) that she works so hard to keep up with . They play with her so well . She loves playing with " the girls " . It 's fun to watch her with the bigger girls and be exposed to a little different stuff . I always tell her that she is so lucky to have her " big cousins " to take care of her . When her 3 year old cousin was born , we thought he would be her buddy but he keeps up with the big boys and she is with the girls . I hope Calvin can join the boy group too when he is a little older . I think a month of thankfulness is a good way to kick off the Christmas season . I love starting new traditions with my family and continuing old ones ! Today we had some reminders that Laci watches everything we do . Charlie is a huge newspaper reader . He does not like online newspapers and still gets the regular daily paper - 3 in fact . We get the local paper , USA Today and the Wall Street Journal everyday . Today at lunch , as Charlie was browsing the paper , Laci asked him why he likes the paper so much . Charlie loves to learn and the newspaper has been how he knows about everything all the time . I hope Laci has that curious mind to learn too . I hope she is learning how to learn by watching him read the paper every day . Tonight we went to Taco Bell for dinner . I know it 's not Friday but we were out of town this Friday . As we were eating and chatting , Laci piped in and asked Charlie why he doesn 't like lids or straws . He never uses them . It 's a small detail that we didn 't even realize she noticed . But she is very good at detail and watches everything we do ! This was a crazy Thanksgiving week full of lots of family . Earlier in the week , Charlie 's brother and his family came to our house . They have two boys - 5 and 2 . The kids play great together . Charlie and I took Monday off work to spend with them . Unfortunately , everything in town is closed Monday . So we went to Chuck E Cheese . The kids had a great time . They decided to go to the Children 's Museum on Tuesday and offered to take Laci . I hate missing fun activities like this but I know it 's important to let Laci do things without me sometimes . We decided not to tell Laci about her " field trip " to avoid the drama when she realized she was going without me . Fortunately , she was still asleep when I left for work . The morning went great . Laci was excited to go . The kids had a great time . D & E had a long talk with the kids before they got out of the car to go over the Museum rules . Overall the kids did well . That afternoon , I left work early , picked up Calvin and came home . I walked in and made a big fuss to Laci about how I went to school to pick her up and she wasn 't there . Where was she ! ? ! She explained that she went to the museum with her cousins . I asked her to tell me all about it . I loved hearing about her adventure and seeing their pictures . About ten minutes later , I asked her if going to the museum was a good surprise . She looked at me and asked " You knew ? " I explained that I did know that she was going there . She answered back , " Then why did you ask me where I was a few minutes ago ? ! ? " She is too sharp . I just can 't get anything past her these days . On a related topic to me trying to let go more and let Laci do things without me and vice versa , I have found a babysitter for Saturday night . I feel like I have hit another parenting milestone . I called the teenage neighbor and got a sitter . I hope this works out well . She lives two doors down and is in 8th grade . The other sitters I have used were older but if this works out , she will be around for several years . The older sitters I had all moved on to college ! The next question I have is what do teenage babysitters go for these days ? Posted by Last night , Laci and I had the sweetest chat . Of course , it ended with a full blown tantrum complete with spankings , crying and waking her cousins up . But let 's not dwell on that . Because it is Thanksgiving , we were talking about family and everyone we are going to see this week . Charlie 's brother and his family have been staying with us the last couple of days and she is having a great time with her cousins . She mentioned " the brothers " ( that is how she refers to Charlie and his brother ) and how happy their Mom and Dad will be when they are all together Wednesday . We talked about her great grandparents . She only has two great grandparents left . They are Charlie 's grandparents and they will be at Thanksgiving . She mentioned Grandma Price . That is my grandma that I got to introduce her to by old home videos last week . She told me that Grandma Price is her favorite because she is so special to me . I reminded her that Grandma Price is in heaven so we started talking about heaven . To her , Heaven is walking in the clouds . In Heaven , we are going to meet all of her great grandparents . I will probably already be there when she gets there so I told her that I would introduce her to them . I started to tear up thinking about getting to introduce my special grandma to my special daughter . She was concerned because she can 't remember everyone 's names . I reminded her that when she gets to heaven , she will know everything she needs to know . Her other big concern which she has shared with me before is that she won 't get to take her toys to heaven . I told her that we don 't know what heaven is like so maybe there are toys up there . She said with that duh voice , " Mo - om ( always two syllables ) , I always look out the window when we are driving and I don 't see any toys in the clouds ! " . She followed it up with " The only thing I know about Heaven is that there is a giant beanstalk up there . " My tears turned to laughter . She also said that she hopes Grandma Price is safe up there from the giant . I reminded her that I am sure God is keepiPosted by I hestitate to write this entry but with everything going on in the world , it has been pulling at me . I don 't want to be preaching or politically or talk about things I do not know . I certainly do not have all the answers - or any answers . I don 't even know all the questions . One of Charlie 's favorite sayings is " You can 't legislate morality " . Think about it . It 's true . There have always been bad guys and there will always be bad guys . The government can 't change that . I 'm not saying we should roll over and give up . I 'm saying we should pray . What amazing things could God do if we all prayed . . . and we all listened . Charlie and I tithe . I try not to share that too much because it is a very personally decision to do that . But I have shared with others why we tithe . Because God told us too . It 's that simple . I have heard people say that Jesus would have been a socialist . Maybe so . I don 't know . But the biggest gift that God gave us is free will . I think that Jesus wants us to take care of each other because we want to . Not because the government told us too . Sometimes I wonder what would happen if we all gave because we chose to . What amazing things could God do if we all tithed . If we all gave more . That is my challenge to myself in the upcoming year . To do more . To give more . With my money , my time and myself . I don 't know what that means . But I pray that I find out . When Laci was a baby , we thought she was a great sleeper . By the time she was 3 months old , she was sleeping 7 to 7 . The majority of the time , she woke up to eat and was right back to sleep . We didn 't rock her to sleep and she fell asleep on her own . We did have a lot of those nights where she cried for hours but they didn 't seem that often . We still joke about the night I lost my mind due to her crying . When she finally stopped crying , I could still hear crying . I kept waking Charlie up and asking if she was crying because I couldn 't tell it if was real or imaginary anymore . We didn 't know what good sleeping was until Calvin . He put Laci to shame . He never slept through the night until 11 weeks . Even then , he usually ate and went right back to sleep . Once we started , he never stopped sleeping through the night . He rarely wakes up in the middle of the night - maybe once a month . When he does wake up crying , we put a pacifier in his mouth and he is good to go . He is so good , that we joke that we don 't have Plan B . Every parent knows their child and has several tricks up their sleeve to get them back to sleep . We only know one way to comfort Calvin in the middle of the night . If that doesn 't work , there is no Plan B . Last night , he woke up crying . I slipped in there to give him his paci . He reached up at me to pick him up and I ran out the door . I woke Charlie up and told him to start thinking of a Plan B in case Calvin continued to cry . A few minutes later , Charlie got up and started walking to the door . He stood outside Calvin 's door for a minute and the crying stopped . He never even opened the door . We have decided that Plan B is Charlie standing in the hallway outside the door . I know this is not politically correct and not something I am supposed to say but I love having a daughter . I would love to be a mother of two boys . But I am not . I am the mother of a son and a daughter . The best of both worlds , right ? Honestly , I love having a little girl . I love spending time with her and going on " coffee dates " and holding hands . I love playing with her dolls and looking at the girl toys with her at the store . I love the girly stuff to do with her . I am not even a girly girl . I love her long hair and tights and dress shoes . I love everything that comes with a little girl . I love seeing the world through her eyes . I look forward to the crazy teenage years - the good and the bad . My relationship with my own mother is not what I want it to be . I want the mother / daughter relationship with Laci that I wish I had with her . Sometimes I wish Laci had a sister because I am so close to my sister but I am glad she has a brother too . So I really do have the best of both worlds with my little girl and my little boy . Up until today , I had taken pride in that my children had never gotten the stomach flu and never thrown up . There was a couple times with each that they choked or cried and gagged so much that they threw up - like last week at Taco Bell . Before never from a stomach bug or virus . This morning Laci told Charlie that she didn 't feel well . Laci has always had a bad case of " Idon ' tfeelgood - itis " so it 's hard for us to take the " I don 't feel goods " very seriously . Charlie called me and told me this after he dropped her off this morning at 7 : 30 . I reminded him about the stomach flu going around school so maybe she was telling the truth . A few minutes later , the school called and Laci had thrown up all over the breakfast room . Eeks ! The flu has hit us . I immediately called Charlie and he hadn 't even gotten home . He was not happy to have to handle this . It would have been easy to rearrange my day to come home . I had a training session in the morning and my annual review in the afternoon . I complain a lot about Charlie not stepping up but sometimes I make it too easy for him . So I decided that it would be okay to let him handle it . I called after he had gotten her home . Apparently , she threw up everywhere and her friend got caught in the cross fire . He took her to the store to get " sick day " supplies - 7Up , crackers , jello , etc . She threw up several more times this morning . Fortunately , she is old enough to be able to use the toilet . I called after awhile and it was so sad to hear her say that she was sick . It was harder than I thought to not run home to her . But I knew she was in good hands . I cancelled my night out with friends . Charlie was doing great but it wasn 't fair to not take my turn . I called at lunch and she was napping . She threw up one more time and the kitchen floor , entryway and bathroom were the causalities . He just couldn 't get rid of the sticky . I felt a little bit better about not being home and having to clean up the mess . I came home a little early and cuddled on the couch with her . It was still evidenPosted by Running Update : Today I was just about to give up on running . For the last few weeks , everything hurts . Last night my joints and legs hurt so bad , I wanted to cry . This morning , walking was better but I just wanted to quit . But I was 9 miles from my goal of 400 miles . How can I be so close and quit ? Then I got to the gym and I got the magic treadmill ! Treadmill Number 5 is my magic treadmill . Lately , if I am on any other treadmill , I can get 3 miles and have to push it hard to get to 4 miles but they are slow miles with lots of walking . On my magic treadmill today , I got 4 . 1 miles in at a quick speed ( 7 . 2 ) . Even Fast Guy next to me commented . I have little nicknames for all the people at the gym just like Charlie has little nicknames for the people he sees on his daily runs . Fast Guy is always my inspiration and if I can run next to him , I can usually push myself . I told him that I was on my Magic Treadmill . He suggested that I mark the treadmill with some orange tape on the bottom so I can find it when they relocate the gym to a new building next week . Surely , they won 't renumber the treadmills . I hope it doesn 't take me long to find my magic treadmill again . Of my three running goals , I never got to run a race with my brother and I didn 't complete a 10k race . But now I am less than 5 miles from my 400 miles goal . I must achieve it ! I am momentarily rejuvenated even though I think everything will hurt tonight . I am signed up to run a Turkey Trot with Charlie on Thanksgiving and I think I can hit my 400 miles then . The run begins and ends in the McDonald 's parking lot so I am planning to treat myself with a McDonald 's Peppermint Mocha after the run . And take the month of December off if I so choose . : ) Last night I had a dedication on a project that I have been working on for 2 1 / 2 years . Charlie was in charge of picking the kids up from daycare , feeding them dinner and putting them to bed . He does not have to do this very often . But he did fine . As expected , the kids were asleep when I got home . Most mornings , Laci wakes up early before I leave and I can say good bye to her . So last night , Charlie told her that she would see me in the morning . Of course , this morning was the rare morning she was still asleep when I left ! I was sad that I didn 't get to see her . I was sad that I haven 't seen Calvin since Monday night ! Is this what it is like every week for him ? I told Charlie to call me when she woke up . They called and she was just sobbing and gasping on the phone . It was so sad . I know she will be fine , especially when she gets to school . But it is just another reminder for me that sometimes time apart is okay . I am very attached to the kids , especially Laci . I do not do much without them . I justify it by saying that I really spend a lot of time without them when I am at work . So every moment I have that I am not at work , I spend with them . It 's not always a good thing . It makes her too attached to me . She doesn 't want to do things with Charlie . She does fine with him if she has to but she will always choose me if she gets the choice . I try to go out with friends about once a month . It 's good for me and it is good for them . Sunday night , I had Charlie pick Laci up from Awana . I could have done it but I have to remember that they need a few minutes together too . We are planning the " Christmas party " for his company . He works with his parents so the Christmas party is just the 4 of us and now sometimes the 6 of us . This year , we are just going to a nice dinner , just the 4 of us and I am getting a sitter . My first choice is always to plan something with the kids but I am really trying ( again , not always successfully ) to make an effort . Of course , now my issue is where to find a sitter ! I never thought that I woulLynette Hart Yesterday , Laci was poking around yesterday and found a little case . I opened it up and it was my grandma 's old rain bonnet . The kind from the sixties that were plastic and the older ladies unfolded them and wrapped them around their heads when it rained . I have no idea how it ended up there . But it was fun to put on and play with . We all had a nice laugh . It is raining pretty hard this morning so Laci wanted to wear it . I put it on her and told her to be super careful with it . It suddenly occurred to me how much that silly little rain bonnet reminded me of my grandma . My grandma was so special to me . She lived with us when I was growing up and was part of the family . Charlie found some old home videos that he converted to DVD for my dad recently . Laci and I watched them Friday night . One of the videos was the last few years of my grandma 's life . It was so hard to watch them . I still miss her so much . But the last few years of her life were so much different than earlier . She wasn 't quite the same . She couldn 't get around as easily and she hear as well . I didn 't meet Charlie 's grandma until a few years ago when her dementia had already started . His grandpa pulled me aside once and said he wished I could have known her when she was younger . Watching those videos with Laci , I thought the same thing . I wished I could show her older videos so she could see my grandma the way I remembered her . But Laci loves being called her " great granddaughter " . I think she loves the " great " part . Sometimes with Charlie 's mom , I think she tries too hard to be the perfect grandma . She wants to give " perfect " gifts that the kids will love and cherish forever and give to their own children . She wants to do perfect special activities that the kids will remember and cherish forever and tell stories to their own children . I have been trying to tell her that the perfect gifts and the perfect memories aren 't planned . They evolve . I don 't remember a single gift my grandmothers gave me . My special grandma was too old when I was young to shop and pick out gifts . So her gifts were always toys bought by my mom . My other grandmother didn 't really give us gifts but I always remember the set of personalized pens and pencils she gave us every year with a $ 10 bill . My mom loves to buy toys and give lots of gifts . I have asked her not too give the kids too much because I don 't want them too spoiled with toys . I wish my mom spent more time with the kids just playing and being with them . My memories of my grandma are the simple things - salmon patties for dinner , making pumpkin bars not only in the fall but the middleI just talked to Charlie and Laci wore it to school today . I 'll post a picture of her later . He mentioned that she got plenty of smiles and chuckles from the other parents and teachers . Maybe she will be a trendsetters and the old fashioned plastic rain bonnet will make a comeback among the local preschool crowd ! Tonight at Taco Bell , I took Laci to the restroom . When I came back , Calvin was choking and throwing up . Charlie wasn 't sure what to do . And another mother was helping him . Apparently , he started choking on something , then he starting throwing up his dinner . Charlie only had a few napkins . The choking brought the attention of a nearby mother who came over to help . . . and bring napkins . I was very thankful . After I got there , Calvin was about done and started to calm down and she went back to her family . I only had a chance to give her a quick thank you and picked him up to hug him . I wanted to thank her again before she left but she quietly left with her family . So thank you to her . I really appreciate you helping me take care of my family ! I always feel other mothers eyes on me when I am in public with the kids . I try to be calm and speak firmly with them and not yell or raise my voice . I stress the word " try " because sometimes I am not able to . Leaving the daycare is the worst . I usually just want to pick the kids up and get home . Laci wants to wander and say hi to everybody and everything . If I ever get frustrated with her , I can only imagine what others thing . Occasionally , there have been a yell or a small swat on the bottom . I always regret that because " what will the other parents think ? " I know I shouldn 't care and I should parent the way I feel is appropriate but I do care . I do care what others think . At the grocery , I am always motified when Laci starts a tantrum . I usually stop and tell her that we will stand there and we can 't continue shopping until she calms down . Then , as I feel the stares from others , I announce that all these other nice people just want to continue their shopping and did not come here to hear her scream . I hope they appreciate me acknowledging that my child is annoying them and that I am trying to calm her down and make it a more pleasant experience for all of us . When Laci has a crying meltdown , I hope that others see the compassion I try to have as a mother . Yesterday , as Laci was crying , I sat on a chair with her , hugged and told her to calm down . I didn 't want to yell or appear uncompassionate . Plus , I know Laci . I know that the best way to calm her down is to hug her , hold her and let her cry it out . I didn 't want anyone to see me frustrated or upset with her for crying and having a meltdown . I wasn 't upset with her at all . One of her friends and his mother walked by and he was obviously concerned to see her crying . His mother told him to mind his business and to not get involved and I told him that she was okay and just needed to cry it out . A few minutes later , Laci started crying again as I was trying to get Calvin . The boy 's mother tried to distract Laci so I could deal with Calvin . Her friend walked over Lynette Hart When I picked Laci up today , her teacher told me that she had a good day , but . . . When Laci heard the " but " , she ran out of the room with her hands on her ears . She only had 2 stars instead of 5 or 6 that she normally has . She tied for the most but she didn 't not get a piece of candy because she was caught saying the word " stupid " . My heart sank when I heard that . Not that Laci said " stupid " . But because I know I use the word " stupid " way too much in front of her . I know I set a bad example . Obviously , I don 't call her stupid but I call myself " stupid " , other people and situations " stupids " , etc . Charlie and I don 't swear but saying " stupid " is bad enough . The other day I heard Laci call herself stupid . After her teacher told me this , I found Laci in the hallway crying . Once Laci starts crying , it is hard to get her to stop . We sat in some chairs in the lobby for awhile until she calmed down . I wasn 't sure how to address this with her . She was already shaken up . I wasn 't sure if she was more upset about getting in trouble or not getting the most stars . I told her she wasn 't in trouble and she needed to calm down . In the car on the way home , I told Laci that I needed her help in not saying the word " stupid . " She visibly got upset again . But I didn 't talk about her . I told her that I do it too much and I need someone to help me stop . I was hoping that she would see the connection on her own , without having to admit it . Then I let it go for awhile . At bedtime , I brought it up again . This time , I reminded her that I needed help not to say bad words and that we could help each other . It was a good reminder to me that I need to be held accountability for my own actions because they follow up and watch every word we say . And by holding myself accountable , she is also being held accountable . Speaking of bad words , I realized how young they learn the " Oooohhhh , he said a bad word . . . " She is always telling me about so and so in class saying a bad word . I usually ask her what the word was and it is usually " doody butt " . That makes me chuckle because it is so innocent but I reminder that just because someone else says it , doesn 't mean she should . The other day , Charlie and I were talking and I said that " it wasn 't my duty . " Laci reprimanded me and said " Oooohhh , you said a bad word . You said " doody ! " . It was a beautiful fall day today so I took the kids for a walk . Laci was on her bike and I pushed Calvin in the stroller . We have a beautiful wooded trail in our neighborhood . On the way back , Laci was quite a bit ahead and I was hoping she remembered to stop before crossing the street . She usually does a good job of that now . I had images of the worst flash in my head . I was reminded of something a friend of mine told me at her son 's first birthday party , just a few months before Laci was born . She said " Sometimes , the goal of the day is just to keep them alive . " I think a lot about all of my goals for the kids - how I want them to be as adults , their educations , their morals , their faith , how to teach them by example , etc . But sometimes it is just a simple goal - to keep them alive to adulthood . From what I read in the paper , we are just in the early years of that . I think the teenage years will be a whole other ballgame ! After what felt like an exasperating time to get everyone ready for church , I announced that after we got home from church , I was leaving and never coming back ! I wanted Charlie to have to handle it all for a day . Laci looked at me as serious as can be and said " Mom , you have to come back . " So I changed my mind and said that I was leaving for an hour and then coming back . She looked at me again as serious as can be and asked " Where are you going ? " As I was about to say " Starbucks " , I realized that she was really asking if she could come along . I decided my afternoon away was never going to work out . So here I am at home . I was sitting at the bottom of the stairs today with Calvin . My head was right next to his head . We were looking up at the top of the stairs . I could not believe how enormous the stairs looked . It was like a mountain . Sometimes it is easy to forget how big our world is to our little guy . It reminded me that everything with him really is still an adventure ! I know it is common to teach young children sign language to help communicate . We are definitely in that difficult year where Calvin knows what he wants but it is difficult to communicate with him . We don 't understand what he is trying to say . At school , they have taught him the sign for " more " ( tapping his fingers together ) . I know I should be grateful for this help but I am not so sure I am . Now at every meal , he is constantly tapping his fingers for more , more , more ! : ) When he is hungry , he just walks around the house signing , more , more , more . I am not sure it means " More " to Calvin . I am starting to think it means " Give me food ! " On the talking front , he says Ball very clearly . I also hear him try to say Banana ( his favorite food in the whole wide world ! , Boon ( balloon ) and Up . He has always had a very clear sign to be picked up . It is holding his arms up but he does a little flick of his wrist to really mean up , not just holding his arms up . He is babbling a lot so I hope that words aren 't too far behind . Posted by The other day , I was starting to think that I am unappreciative . Charlie was telling me that his parents went out of town the other day to look at the fall leaves . That is quite common around here . But I have never been into just driving around . It seems like a waste of time to me . The other day , someone posted on Facebook something about seeing the proof of God driving through West Virginia . It was a nice sentiment . I have driven through West Virginia many times so I understand what he is saying . I wanted to respond that I have never doubted God and I just need to look around my life to see His proof . I don 't need to drive anywhere . Of course I live in flat land . Very flat land . Most people around here think it is too flat . I think it is perfect . We drive to the East Coast about once a year and hilly and mountain - y terrain gives me anxiety ! The trees in the mountains just look like broccoli to me . I realized that I do appreciate the beauty of nature . It 's everywhere . I find myself the most introspective in my car driving home . When I look around at the trees on the side of the road , I see beauty . Even those poor trees , not in the glory of a forest or the hills and mountains are beautiful . The changing colors and the crispness in the air feel like fall to me . They remind me of my childhood . There is a certain fall - ish vibe to them . As I was thinking this , I thought about how beautiful these trees are going to look in the spring as they are budding . I usually take a moment when I get out of the car at daycare to appreciate the small woods next to the highway . It is beautiful . Even though I hate the mud stains , I love that my kids get to play in the dirt . Yesterday , I even appreciated the concrete and asphalt roads that most people overlook . Maybe it is the engineer in me but concrete and steel is beautiful . Look at how strong it is . Look at this gift we have been given to build our world . I have mentioned before that the time with my kids playing , walking , feeding the fish at the pond in our neighborhood are some Lynette Hart Some updates on previous posts - Laci is already totally over swimming . I had to drag her there today . She seemed to enjoy it while she was there today . I thought she was learning a lot and doing well . But as soon as we left , she said she was done with swimming again . I only have to drag her there 3 more classes . We have completed the doll exchange . A new doll has been ordered . We wanted to make sure that Laci did not see us bring the doll to school because we didn 't want her to know we are giving away her doll . And we are sure it is her doll . I don 't know if this is a coincidence or not but this teacher has been overly nice to my kids lately . Posted by Where I grew up , we didn 't have Buddy and Sissy . Here Bud and Sis are everywhere . We found out about Sis when Laci was little and still an only child . At the daycare , there are several teachers that use the nickname " Sissy " or " Sis " on every little girl . It sounds so strange to me , especially when the little girl is not a sister . I guess Sis is not short for Sister in that sense . I have heard several others outside of her school use it on their little girls too . All little boys are " Buddy " or " Bud " . I must confess - I use Bud and Buddy on Calvin all the time . Laci is " Sweetie " , " Dear " or " Honey " to me . I didn 't realize how much I called her that until she started calling me " Dear " too and her stuffed animals are " Sweeties " . Charlie calls her " Sweetheart " . " Sweetie " is me to him . At one point , Laci referred to everyone 's sons and daughters as their " Sweetheart " . I thought it was cute when she told me that I am grandma 's sweetheart . I use " Buddy " so much that I catch myself calling Laci " Bud " too . Now Laci is referring to herself as " Sissy " as in " Calvin , come to Sissy " . I always correct her because I don 't like " Sissy " . But Buddy is apparently fine to me . I don 't know why . I should probably stick to Little Guy for him because a friend of mine 's dog 's name is Buddy . It 's definitely better suited for a pup . Here is my " bad mom " confession . My kids are goobers . No , not just that they are goobers but they know they are goobers . For some reason , I started calling the kids Goobers when they did gooberish things . I supposed I should have gone with Silly as in " You are so silly . . . " I thought " You 're such a dork " was rude and all the other terms from my childhood were mean so apparently I landed on Goobers for them . I didn 't think much of it until Laci started calling herself a Goober and Calvin a Goober . I really hope that she understands the context it is taken in ( love ) and that I don 't give her a complex by calling her a Goober ! Maybe we should start a therapy fund to go with the college fund ! |
I went to see Crazyheart tonight . I always liked Jeff Bridges as an actor . He was so sweet in Starman ! I enjoyed this character too and found his singing and the music quite good . Good lyrics . Richard of course can 't like it as much as I do because it isn 't as good as Tender Mercies , one of his all time favorites . This movie alluded to that one , but he 's right . It isn 't as good . Liked it anyway . There are plenty of bizarre people out there . When I was driving my mom to the doctor , I stayed behind a pickup with an alarming bumper sticker for almost the whole ride down Chapman Ave . . Apparently , this was a snuff rock fan . His bumper sticker read , " Dead girls don 't say no . " Needless to say , I wished he would just go away . When I returned home and checked my answering machine , there were three recorded calls from the Irvine police , advising me that there was a dangerous armed man loose in my neighborhood , and I should lock my doors and windows and simply stay inside . I was wandering around oblivious to all this when I dropped off at home to feed the cats about 5 . Luckily , the fellow was nowhere near by , and we went about our business safely . The open door would have been quite an invitation to intrude if that guy had been anywhere near by . Maybe , as Marly says , I was deluded about it being spring for everyone , not just the freakishly fair weathered folks in Southern California . But I was also deluded about my plans for yesterday afternoon and evening , unfortunately . Yesterday I worked until 1 at the Center , and had a good day . There was a little time to grade a paper here and there and the rest was filled up by students , a few of whom were grateful for papers I had helped them with in the past weeks , which had gone very successfully . There was time to nosh on the goodies from the reading lab , which was staging its monthly reader 's circle , to get the students interested in reading books that had been donated to the lab , and time to joke around with the rest of the staff , including Lou . But then the difficulties began . I left at 1 to take my mother to a doctor 's appointment . I had been told her walking had somewhat improved , as had her neck pain . She was keeping her eyes open more often , but some things had not improved . She was still falling every day several times a day , and she was having constant hallucinations . This , I knew , would make taking her to the doctor a challenge . I decided to get her to use dad 's extra walker , so she wouldn 't fall . But I didn 't reckon on the fact that she was entirely incapable of guiding the walker , and I had to walk backwards and pull her along on it , which wasn 't easy because it had only two small wheels at the back , altogether inadequate for the purpose . I ended up leaving it in the back of the car , useless . But the valet parking at the hospital did come in handy . And it was only a few steps from the Senior Health Center at the hospital . The nurse practitioner said that mom had protein in her urine . Some changes had definitely taken place . But she was not able to tell me immediately what they signified . Just in case , she prescribed some antibiotics , thinking that perhaps mom had a bladder infection that might account for the abrupt changes in her mental and physical state . In elderly people , such infections can havPosted by Happy Spring ! It may seem a bit premature to say that , but when Purim comes around , as it will tomorrow , spring and Passover cannot be far off . I only learned about the tradition of giving out sweets and treats ( mishloach manot , in Hebrew ) on Purim a half dozen years ago , and I 've seldom pulled it together to actually do it . But this holiday is the source of our Halloween , so it is customary to dress up and make merry , telling the tale of Queen Esther , one of the tradition 's heroic women , who saved the Jewish people with her wiles and her wiggles . Though I almost forgot it was Purim , I have already done some baking this week , having baked some cherry oatmeal cookies for my class . They were tasty and a good alternative to popcorn to accompany the film I showed in class . Now I 'll have to buy some more butter and other goodies to make some nice hamentaschen . There 's a recipe I 've been wanting to try out and Torah class on Tuesday to take it to ! What could be nicer on this weekend , during which I have no film series to worry about ? Maybe Richard is right when he says that as long as he has known me , I create problems if there are none already to be had . The workshop I went to last week wasn 't really any indication that I was in the doghouse at all , as Lou made clear to me ( Lou and Kurt and everyone ) . I am just doing what everyone else does with those ESL students , and the bluntness doesn 't matter because they truly already know I am right , just don 't want to hear it . Someone else , not me , was the target of that concern . RE : taking my mom to the Medical Center , I was so wrapped up in the problem that I didn 't see the solution that was right in front of me : the valet at UCI will park the car for free because I have a handicapped sticker and call an orderly who will bring a wheelchair . The orderly will help put her back in the car ; I 'll take her home , and the caregivers will help me take her back to the house . Problem solved . I do not begrudge my parents the time or effort I spend taking care of them , but I will not give up my own life . I will not apologize for going to yoga class and I will not feel guilty for wanting to go on going to work and doing my job . What the world ( ie : medical establishments , etc . ) seems to expect from relatives caring for elderly parents is ridiculous . Family is important , but I must be allowed to have my own life . When or if it ever comes time to truly reform the medical system and insurance in the U . S . , because I do not believe it will happen now , someone ought to think about this issue . It seems that time I have dreaded has come . Mom 's dementia has reached its near - final stages . She no longer talks , pays attention , walks , or eats by herself . She is , for all functional purposes , already not present with us , though her body , wisp thin and inert , is there . It happened really quickly , the final changes taking place overnight or over the course of a day . I had worried that not being able to go to the Center had brought on this sudden change because all she was doing was sitting in front of a television she couldn 't hear with people similarly out of it . No one talked to her , and she spoke to no one . No activities were going on around her . I was occupied with dad , and the caregivers took care of her physical but not her mental needs . But I really don 't think this alone could have wrought these changes , turned her from a person who actually walked pretty fast and read the paper from cover to cover , watched the news on top volume and spoke to people on the phone , though not very well , to what she is now . It makes me sad , and my father frantic and afraid . The immediate problems this poses are several . For example , how on earth will I get her to the doctor 's office . I do not have the strength or the room to pick up and heft a wheelchair or pick her up . She weighs more than I do and is taller , slightly . I cannot possibly take care of her as I have been doing up to now . She has a doctor 's appointment on Thursday at 3 : 20 . Jeremy is in class till about 3 . I don 't want him to skip classes ; he has already done too much of that . Richard has to work . I don 't know what to do . Perhaps I should call the doctor and ask the nurses for advice . Perhaps there are programs I can take advantage of . I hope so . By the way , on another topic , when I came home today , there was a big bag of dirty laundry on the couch with a note from Jeremy that he 'd like to pick them up about 7 . That 's the first time he 's done that since he moved out . Last week he did his own laundry . Maybe he 's been storing up these sheets and towels since he mPosted by Yesterday afternoon Liz and I went to the memorial for Tom Moore , my friend who died a couple of weeks ago in yoga class . The service was impressive and beautiful . In addition to a lovely service of a semi - traditional kind , my yoga teachers and his , Denise and Bob , gave beautiful eulogies . Unfortunately , I was not wearing my hearing aids , so I didn 't hear Bob very well , but I managed to grasp that he said it was fitting that Tom was in his first class in Orange County twenty years ago , so the fact that his was Tom 's last yoga class meant that things had come full circle . Then he led the group , a very large group that filled the entire sanctuary , with standing room only out in the lobby , in the yoga invocation we say at the beginning of every class . It impressed me that the place was so full of love . I saw people from yoga classes I had not seen for years because they had moved to other states , and come back just to remember Tom . The group then went to eat Indian food , but I didn 't go . R and I went out for a walk and Japanese food instead . I needed some time to thing about all this , particularly since , as Denise noted yesterday morning in class , I 've been so " scattered . " Trying to gird my loins for the next crisis , which is fast approaching . My mother is failing fast . Her neck has been bothering her , and she rarely opens her eyes anymore . By the evening , she cannot walk . It would be a blessing if she would go peacefully , before her dementia gets so much worse that she forgets how to chew and swallow and starves to death . But my dad is going to pieces , calling me at all hours , in a panic because he does not want her to die anymore than he wants to die himself . Tough times . Yesterday , Liz and I went up to the Iyengar Institute in LA for a workshop with the famous teacher , Manouso Manos . He is our teacher Bob 's teacher , and I can certainly hear the roots of Bob 's own style of teaching in Manouso 's calm , matter - of - fact voice , tinged with humor . He is blunt and capable , detailed in his instruction . This is the style of instruction I most prize , probably not just in yoga either . It is the kind I aspire to in my own teaching of writing . I was somewhat afraid to go to Manuouso 's classes . He is the kind of teacher famous for his brusque instruction of students who are trying ( and failing in various ways ) to do Iyengar yoga . I guess , at one time and asana or another , that is all of us . But rather than a killer class , the afternoon class we attended yesterday , probably the 4th session in a workshop series that started Friday morning , was a restorative class composed of relaxing , meditative asanas . Despite the fact that I had not been able to attend yoga class on Friday because of the workshop at school I wrote about earlier , it was good for me because I have been so anxious lately about my parents and the responsibility I have and also about my ability to do everything I need to both for my job and for my parents at the same time , now that I have come to a point where it is only going to get harder with my parents and I have to be ready to spring into crisis mode all the time . So I enjoyed the 5 minute relaxation poses , with their interesting instruction . For one thing , he told us to examine each thought as it arose , as if it were the bubbles in a perculator , trying to look at it from the outside , in fact to catch the spaces between thoughts , rather than the thoughts themselves . I wish I could go more often to his workshops . He comes on a regular basis , but at that price , I cannot afford to go more than once or twice a year . By the way , last night was another movie in the series , The Treasures of Sierra Madre ( the one with the line about " stinkin ' badges " ) . Only one person came , the same studentPosted by Yesterday at the workshop it was easy to see that my colleagues had something to say to me that they were not saying . They were clearly upset with me , probably because I have been struggling with feelings of fear and exasperation about my parents and my responsibilities on that score and these feelings have come through in my work with students in the lab . It has never been easy for me not to say what I am thinking . I have more than a little of the problem Jeremy and my dad have of saying what is on my mind , consequences be damned . When I see a student whose English is very shaky , I tend to say so rather than just pretending everything is hunky dory . Mostly I do it because I believe that this person is not going to learn what s / he needs to in an English class . The resistance to ESL classes is not helping this person learn what s / he needs to know . But teachers are getting upset about that , and truthfully , I need to learn to just leave it alone . Same thing with teachers whose prompts are confusing or garbled . I should just interpret the thing the best I can and shut up . But when I am more stressed than usual , it is hard for me to do that . As much as I like and enjoy working with people , my neurological baggage sometimes gets in the way . Okay , I admit it . I blurted again . I 'm a regular blurter , constitutionally speaking . I went to a department workshop at which a nice young fellow from CSUF discussed a class he teaches to writing teachers . Most of them are secondary English teachers , but now the program is being extended to some community colleges , though none have bitten as of yet . I don 't think I have two or three whole days , most during the week , to spend at such a workshop , but it was interesting all the same to discuss the process of teaching writing . As usual , I got some clever new ideas and some inspiration . But the blurting part came when the speaker admitted that when he was in high school , and wrote a paper ( was it for English or for history ? I don 't know , but the teacher was named Mrs . Walls ) , the teacher gave him an A - but wrote at the top , " Very good , but who helped you with it ? " He found this devastating , and spent years searching for her , to prove to her , PhD in hand , that he had done it himself . But this spurred me to root in the cellar of my own seedy background and unearth something similar . . . . I told him , and the assembled crowd , that when I was in 8th grade , my English teacher , whose name I do not now recall , though I do see his moody , dark browed face before me as I write , I turned in an essay , only to have it returned with this missive : " You are too stupid to have written this ! " with an F . There was no way I could convince him , not with the ballads I wrote for the class , in which we studied poetry . I recited " Patterns , " by Amy Lowell , as I recall . Not with classroom discussion . I must have failed that class , for he insisted I could not have done the work I did . I failed my way through school till my senior year , when the school relented and allowed me to take AP English . My math disability and problems with organization and untidiness had convinced the public school system in Philadelphia that I was not worth bothering with - - not impaired enough for special education , and not outstanding enough to salvage . College was the firPosted by In addition to buying the cat tree , I have been thinking about getting some decent furniture , a piece at a time , for the house . We have never spent money on this sort of thing , mostly because our lives have been lived in apartments , temporary places . But we have stayed in this apartment for 8 years now , and it is time , even if we aren 't going to buy a house or condo after all , to treat the place as something a bit more permanent . So I am looking for a queen size storage bed . The idea is to keep the cats out of the box spring because there won 't be one , and the room will look better . Plus , there will be more storage , which we can always use . Eventually , I 'll buy decent bureaus and maybe a few chairs . Eventually , I want a new and different couch . I never liked the futon we have in the living room . I only bought it because it was relatively light weight and easy to move . Again , Richard doesn 't like this idea . He doesn 't want to put things together , he says , and doesn 't want to spend money on this sort of thing . But I am willing to buy this stuff myself , and have it delivered . Under those circumstances , he says , he will put it together . I hope that it will inspire me to neaten up a bit and will make it easier for me to do this . As I was watching a Robin Williams special , the usual manic frenzy of Williams spouting non - stop hilarity and obscenity , Shadow climbed up to my shoulder and took a leap to the penultimate perch on the cat tree , flattening her ears to her head and leaping madly about , in her own sort of playful frenzy . Whistler watched with interest , but did not attempt to get up on the tree , evidently feeling he was too portly to make it up there . Jeremy dropped by to give back the garage key , and he suggested that I put food up there for Whistler . I did it , but Whistler , while he clearly wanted to eat the food , didn 't jump up there , so I put him up there , and he sat there eating . When he finished , he looked around and then jumped down . He hasn 't yet tried to get up there , but I figure if I associate the thing with something he likes ( food ) , he will eventually go up there on his own . Yesterday I was griping to all of you and to Richard too . When he came home from work , I was just about to leave for Torah . I dumped my uncertainty about mom and my desire to be free on him , and he offered to retire from his job and take care of my parents full time . I know he wants to retire , but not to do that . . . to go on golf trips and , he has said , to work in the Superior Court as part of the permanent jury pool . He has been on a number of juries and really enjoys it , if that is the right word . He finds it stimulating . But looking after my parents is not part of his plan , or has not been up to now . I felt so lightened by that offer though , and the idea that he is there if I ever need to ask him for help , and indeed , he has taken off of work to take one of my parents to the doctor before and to help me out . Now that Jeremy is on his own and has his license back , as of yesterday , Richard feels freer to help me , and he will do so I think whenever I need him to . As if to provide proof of that , he had the cat tree up when I returned from Torah . The cats haven 't been near it . Or I should say , they 've been near it , but haven 't climbed it . I think they are afraid of it . I am not sure it will hold Whistler up near the top . It shook a little , even with Shadow 's puny 7 pound weight . My mom doesn 't say much anymore . Though she used to talk nonstop since I can remember , at some point , she just stopped , for the most part . Probably all that talking was a symptom of her dementia , which has been stealing up on her for decades . I begged my dad to take her to a psychiatrist , and he did , but they never said it was anything important . Little by little her personality , her sociability , her kindness , her likes and dislikes have drained away , until now she mostly stares into space , looking vaguely sad or confused . Today when I went to take my dad to the doctor for a follow up appointment , she looked awful , and she complained that her neck hurt . She had been sitting all day , and I supposed that was why . I encouraged her to take a turn in the garden with my dad , and went on my way . Tuesday afternoon ( late ) I work in the Center this semester , and it seems that just about every time , the caregivers call me about one of my parents during that time . I feel I have to leave the phone on , just in case , and today , I got one of those calls . The caregiver was concerned about my mom 's neck , and said she had fallen on her bottom in the bathroom this morning ( not an uncommon occurrence ; her balance isn 't good ) . She hadn 't fallen anywhere near her head or neck though . The caregiver said her blood pressure was high , but she was already taking blood pressure medication , so maybe that was nothing new . I don 't really know because my mom doesn 't complain , and doctors don 't talk about her vital signs very much . I could have left and taken her to the hospital , but instead , I told the caregiver to give her some Tylenol and to look for the massager I had given her for Chanukah last year . It was a vibrating contraption meant to go around the neck . She has never used it . I hope I did the right thing . Right now , I am going off to Torah group . I haven 't heard from the Caregiver again . She is going off her shift about now , and another caregiver will arrive . I will probably hear from them while I am at the synagogue . I hope not in the Posted by The cat tree I ordered came . When R and I took a long walk this beautiful afternoon , after I had been to yoga and shopping for everyone else but myself ( it was still fun ) , we returned and found an enormous box blocking the doorway . I couldn 't lift it , but turned it end on end till I got it to the now - empty room , where it will go . When I opened the box , there were the pieces , and I realized that I am awful at putting things together and have NO CLUE how to do it , though I am sure it is very simple . I will have to wait till R deigns to assist me , or ask Jeremy to come over and help . That 's the likelier scenario , as he loves the cats , and R doesn 't . At the end of Fellini 's film 81 / 2 , one of my favorite movies , there 's a wonderful scene where everyone the director has ever known line up together , hold hands , and dance around him , including his childhood self . In the wake of Tom 's death on Saturday , I was thinking about all the people I 've known , many of whom are dead , others whose fates I do not know . They may very well BE dead , or they may turn up unaccountably years later . That has indeed happened before . For example , years ago , in synagogue , when Jeremy was young and in religious school for a few years , I was talking to another mom who was from Philadelphia and had a son the same age as mine . I asked her where in Phila . she was from . Same area as I am from . What high school she went to . Same one . When she graduated . Same year . But I didn 't remember her AT ALL . She told me then that she remembered ME . That startled me , all right . It is hard to know how many lives I have touched and not even realize it . This makes life interesting . Today I saw a movie that I have been waiting for in vain for months . It was The Last Station , about the last days of Tolstoi . We had to go quite a long way , a circuitous route recommended by Google Maps , to Laguna Niguel , and once we get there , I saw there were lots of easier ways to reach it . The movie was terrific , and the performance by Helen Mirran , who played Sofia Andreevna Tolstaya , Lev Tolstoi 's wife , deserved the nomination it received for best performance . I liked the movie very much , and it gave some context to an experience I had in my youth , in which I met Countess Tolstaya , Leo Tolstoi 's youngest child , at Nyack NY , at the farm where she had just taken in thousands of Asians expelled by Idi Amin in 1972 . I don 't remember what year it was or whether I went from Rutgers University , where I spent my first two years of college , or from Hollins , where I spent the rest of my undergraduate and one year of graduate school . Marly would remember that , because she was in Russian classes with me at Hollins . Surely , if I went from Hollins , she went too . Yesterday , someone I have known for a long time , perhaps 25 years , died of a heart attack after yoga class . Tom Moore was a modest man , strong and smart , with a good sense of humor . He worked as a plumber , but also taught Iyengar yoga as a sub . He was always talking about his wife and his daughter and always had a quiet comment on whatever subject , including which restaurants were best , how to fix a hole in the wall , or what movies were worth seeing . He was my age , exactly , and despite his strength , had a large belly , trophy of too many good dinners , I suppose . I will always remember him , especially when I am waiting for a yoga class to start , or shooting the breeze with my classmates as I put on my socks . It is hard to believe he is gone , but I guess if he had to go , at this comparatively early age , he would say that he went the way he wanted to : after a good yoga class , surrounded by friends who love and care for him . I didn 't go to yoga class yesterday because I had to take the cat to the vet for shots , which involved turning the mattress upside down and shaking the box spring till the terrified beast fled into the living room . I tried to do it gently , gradually , but she is too smart and suspicious . By the time I got her to the vet , she had relieved herself and needed a wash . The vet had to shave the hair from her bottom to get off the mess . Poor little Shadow ! She was off her feed this morning from the excitement . There were three guests / students and their friends at the film last night , which turned out to be a wonderful , if slightly cynical , Valentine 's Day film , though I had forgotten that when I scheduled it for yesterday . I showed Prizzi 's Honor , one of Huston 's last films , a black comedy starring Jack Nickelson as a dim - witted hitman in love with an extremely sharp female counterpart , played by Kathleen Turner . It was a terrific film , also starring Anjelica Huston in a supporting role . She won an Oscar for it . And yes , Huston is the director 's daughter . Though I might have liked more people in the audience , it was still an enjoyable evening . I was happy that people came at all , though I wonder if any will show up next week for another Huston film , The Treasures of the Sierra Madre , origin of one of the most famous movie lines : " Badges ? We don 't need no stinkin ' badges . " I don 't think it goes exactly that way , but close enough . Last night in synagogue , Rabbi Capers Funnye ( sp ? ) , Michelle Obama 's cousin , spoke about the Black Jewish community in the U . S . . I have always known there were black synagogues . In fact , a couple of years ago , we had a black Jewish gospel singer ( sounds like a contradiction in terms ! ) perform for us and neighboring synagogues , and he made the place rock . But the impression we have generally is that the black Jews in our own community are here because they have married Jews or have been born into multiracial families . The idea of people of color , of whatever persuasion , unilaterally joining up with a community that traditionally does not advocate such conversion , that perhaps even shuns it and is suspicious of it , is odd to say the least . Funnye is a distinguished man , an old friend of our rabbi 's from his Chicago days , and leader of a black Jewish congregation in Chicago , as well as a major mover in the Global Judaism movement . I never knew such a movement existed , but apparently there are many people in Africa and in other nations who want to become Jews . We have met other African Jewish communities , such as the one in Uganda , and of course know of the Falashas , from Ethiopia , but these are people who , like Funnye himself , have chosen Judaism , though they were raised in other traditions . He told it straight : he and others of his ilk were tired of insulting questions from skeptical Jews , like " When did you convert ? " " How long have you been Jewish ? " or even " How did YOU get to be Jewish ? " It is good for us to hear that we are not welcoming to those we view as outsiders , whether they are people of color or not . My own husband experienced this when we first married , and it put him off Judaism completely , and in fact , off of all religion . That was the first time in synagogue I recall that someone got an instantaneous standing ovation . I hate this time of year because I must do two reports about my parents ' financial doings : one for Veterans and the other for Social Security . Like my blog sister , Lou , I have terrible anxiety surrounding such records and the need to put them right . My math skills are terrible ; in fact , I am quite certain I have a learning disability in math . Even long division is hellish for me , and percentages are impossible . I failed geometry and algebra in high school and never took them in college . Luckily for me , in the 70s , there were no required courses in math in college , at least in the ones where I was , or I never would have made it out of undergraduate school . But somehow , I have managed to do these reports . This year , I am avoiding them more than I have in the past . I don 't know why . Maybe it is because I have been paying bills online and have made many mistakes , paying my parents ' bills accidentally with Richard 's and my joint account , which has only one number different . I have repaid us from his account , but I have to make sure I 've done it for the absolute correct amount . There are several thousands involved here . Since I realized I was making this mistake , I have been careful not to make it again , but I have to clean up all the errors immediately , and I 'm afraid what I will find . That 's probably why I 'm avoiding these reports . In one way , it 's interesting to see what we have spent money on . It seems that most of it , what is not going for medications , which cost a lot , and insurance , goes for silly little things at places like Costco and Target . If we cut back on that , we 'd be spending much less . I suppose we will have to do that . Now that I have room to put it in , I am going to buy the cats a tree to climb and play on . This is not an outside tree . . . these are inside cats , who have never poked their pink noses out the door . It is an ersatz tree , one made of cardboard or plywood and carpet , with lots of opportunity for scratching , climbing , crawling , batting hanging objects , and sniffing . However , I have an extra challenge . Whistler weighs 18 pounds , which is much heavier than most cats . To give you an idea , Shadow only weighs 6 pounds . That is a bit small , but closer to average than Whistler 's blubbery weight . He is large and heavy . So a spindly tree will come crashing to the floor under his weight . I have to find a substantial tree , well made and with suitable perches for a big fella like Whistler . I wrote to a company that makes these things and has a sale on their present models , asking which , if any , would be suitable for him . Today I took off of teaching my class to take my father to the cardiologist . I didn 't have any particular feeling that this doctor would solve all the problems presented by my father 's case : ie : his kidneys are bad , but he also had two heart attacks ( very small ones , it seems ) while in hospitals . The doctors wanted to find out if there 's a clot that caused the heart attack , but couldn 't do an angiogram because his kidneys would give out completely because of the stress posed by the dye used for the procedure . So should they kill the kidneys ( or risk doing that ) and save the heart ? This was the question his doctor wanted this specialist to answer . I thought the doctor 's answer was clear and definitive , and it was the same answer my cat 's vet gave many years ago when I wanted to forestall the cat 's death from a fatal disease . He said that death was inevitable in this situation , and we shouldn 't spend a lot of futile energy and money trying to prevent it , and in the process causing the animal unnecessary pain at the end of his life . My father isn 't a cat , and his death of any particular condition he has isn 't inevitable , but it 's inevitable sooner or later because of his age AND these conditions , so it was time , he suggested , to stop struggling and allow things to proceed as they will . To tell the truth , I was glad he didn 't want to take aggressive action like killing my dad 's kidneys and making him go through the hell of dialysis , which , as this doctor said , would probably kill him anyway within a few weeks . I still have to talk to the kidney doctor . He may feel differently , but I really do not want to do that . I don 't see how I will get him to dialysis , and I think it will be miserable and painful for him , and that it would make him pine away out of misery , if nothing else . I can 't see doing it to him , even to save his life . For how long , and at what cost ? So it was a peaceful day , a day of acceptance . And I stopped at Borders afterwards to buy him a book of Sudoku puzzles and then we went to the audiologist where he Posted by Today , after a couple of days away from Jeremy , I had to drive him to and from class and home , after stopping at Ralphs to pick up his friend and drop them both off at Jeremy 's apartment , along with the supplies I had picked up for him at Target . I got him some silverware , glassware , towels and washcloths , dish towels , and potholders on this trip , along with an alarm clock it turned out he didn 't need because his phone functions as an alarm clock . I didn 't know you could set the phone to operate that way ! Pretty cool . Anyhow , all of this time together put my feeling of mourning into perspective . The whole time I spent in the car with him , Jeremy did his usual " driving lesson " on what I was not doing properly when I drove , which makes me crazy . I didn 't comment on or complain about it , but it made me feel that perhaps it was , after all , a good thing that he will be getting his license back next week , and then will not need me to drive him around anymore . In short , I love my son , but it is time to call a halt to that sort of stuff . Regardless of my philosophical attitude about Jeremy moving out and getting his own apartment ( with 4 friends , that is ) , when I walked into his room and saw the big empty space where his bed used to be , I lost it completely . Richard had not yet gotten back from the game ; I was alone in the suddenly empty and echoey house . I realized then that for 19 plus years , since Jeremy was born , and I carried him up those stairs at Verano Place , terrified that I would drop him , he has not lived apart from us . Unlike other kids , he has never gone to overnight camp , taken a trip to visit Granny and Granddad by himself , or spent a week with a friend . He has never wanted to be apart from us that long , though we often encouraged him to do so . Now he has really grown up , at least nominally . I am not sure how he will like living with all those smelly guys , and paying so much for the privilege . Naturally , being a kid from Irvine , he had to move into the newest apartment , one we would never be able to afford , though we earn many times what those guys do at Ralphs . I thought about the questionable digs we inhabited in our early years together , and laughed . Jeremy would never live in some of the places we have . He would probably never set foot in them . And our present place is still a sight older , messier , more broken down than the one he has moved into , with its weight room and other amenities . I hope he has a wonderful time , and enjoys his freedom now that he is a bit more able to deal with it responsibly than he was when he lost his license last year . Now I just need to reassure the cats , who are really freaked out . Whistler is wandering around mewing frantically , looking around Jeremy 's room with his ears back and his tail puffed up twice its size . Shadow is huddled in a little ball . She tried to go under my covers in the middle of the night , insistently pawing at me till I threw her off the bed . I plan to buy a cat scratching post / pedestal for them to sit on and look out the window in Jeremy 's room , and also to move this computer Posted by When I got to my parents ' house this afternoon after yoga , the caregiver told me that my dad had asked impatiently where I was . I guess his memory is worsening because I talked to him about 7 : 30 this morning and told him I 'd be there about 12 : 15 - 12 : 30 , after yoga , and would take him to the 99 Market for fish . Regardless of his impatience and poor memory , he was feeling very good today . His voice was strong , and he had a big smile for everyone , anxious to get out into the beautiful weather . Though he had a bit of difficulty walking across the shopping center where 99 is , since there was no spot closer , handicapped or otherwise , once he got in there , he had a wonderful time . His eyes opened wider and wider , like a 6 year old 's , responding to the bustle of the busy market , the sensory stimulation of the various smells , sounds , colors , and unusual items . From the tangle of huge catfish congregating in one corner of a tank to the gigantic unidentifiable vegetables and roots in the produce department , he was delighted . We didn 't buy that much - - a steamer for me , the fish , some fruit and vegetables , but it was really fun for him . I don 't know how mom felt about it . On the way home , we stopped at the Kosher Bite deli and I got the fixings for deli sandwiches and knishes , which we would eat when Richard came over to watch the Super Bowl with my dad . I stayed and ate and ate , but I hate football , so I left Richard there . Since he came in his own car , it didn 't matter . He 'll be home later , back to our house , which feels so empty because Jeremy moved out today . I just showed Frankenstein . Though many of my students said they were going to come and wanted the extra credit I promised , only one student and her friend showed up . They really enjoyed the film and asked me questions about the book and its resemblance ( or lack thereof ) to the film . Since I have taught the book Frankenstein ( the first version ) a number of times , I was able to say something about that . And the girls said they wanted to come back for future films . But I despair of attracting anyone else or getting the rest of the students in the class to show up . I joined Netflix so I could be sure to have the films , and it seems that has been for nothing . I will try hanging up signs in a few places , and perhaps we 'll attract some more people for next week 's film , Prizzi 's Honor . Yesterday I got an interesting email from a French PhD student who wanted a copy of my dissertation , on the function of play in literature , specifically , in Nabokov 's work . This is not an extremely hot topic , though I think it is an interesting one , obviously . I never turned the dissertation into a book , though I probably should have . I was so shellshocked by the entire process that I never wanted to look at the damn thing again , and the final chapter was so hopelessly inadequate , I 'd have to start over . The student wanted a copy of the dissertation and didn 't know how to get it . He had written to a person in the Nabokov Society , who referred him to me . I didn 't know what to tell him except that I used to get hold of such things via abstracting services . I referred him to his librarian , who would know about such things , and also Googled the subject . Of course , contacting the UCI library would not be a bad idea . They probably sell people copies of the dissertations in their collection . If you have any ideas , let me know . I also want to remind you , if you are nearby , to come to tonight 's movie - - James Whale 's 1931 film , Frankenstein , the " first " film in my adaptation series . I put quotation marks around this because two weeks ago , I showed the actual first film , Kubrick 's The Shining , and no one showed . The film will be shown at Irvine Valley College , room P - 0 ( a trailer near parking lot 8A ) , at 7 PM . See you there ! I checked dad out of the hospital today . I worked until 1 : 10 or so , picked up my mom at 2 , went with her to visit dad , and the doctor said that I might as well take him home . They still hadn 't figured out what was causing the kidney problems and his inability to pee or the retained fluid . But there was nothing more to do for him there , so they sent him home , until he can see his nephrologist at UCI , with two new prescriptions - - yet another antibiotic because the infection , stubborn little bug , is still there , and a diuretic to keep down the fluids and stave off dialysis for a while . He was his old self , demanding things , such as fresh underwear , his voice much stronger than before . They peeled away the oxygen tube , and he was fine . It took 5 hours from start to finish to get him out of the hospital and me home . I hadn 't eaten anything since 6 AM . Oddly , I felt buoyant and not hungry for a while . But then it hit me , when I got him to his house and was stumbling up the driveway . Dealing with my mom was really shocking this afternoon . She has deteriorated markedly since my dad went into the hospital , seeing and hearing people everywhere who are not there , making absolutely NO sense whatsoever . She forgot how to sit down in the car and how to walk in the parking lot . At the sight of lines by the handicapped spot , she thought they were steps , and nearly fell trying to negotiate the non - existent stairs . The caregiver will sleep next to them tonight , trying to keep my mom from disturbing my father 's sleep . In the midst of so much uncertainty , poetry has a role to play . I decided to go to a reading that I learned about in Reb 's blog , The Mark on the Wall . It was by two poets , Victoria Chang and Ted Genoways . Genoways , who read second , was a very kind person who brought his 7 year old son and wife to the reading . He is the editor of Virginia Quarterly Review , and writes interesting sequences of formed poems . His voice was quiet , so much so that I had trouble hearing him . But of course , with my hearing , I have trouble hearing lots of things , and I sat on the other side of the room , unfortunately , hanging with the old folks , while the undergraduates taking notes congregated closest to the reader . From what I heard , I was impressed by how he introduced the rhymes so naturally into his lines and intrigued by his narratives about his grandmother 's life in long ago Nebraska of the early 20th century and late 19th . Chang is one of those poets who isn 't an exhibitionist , as I am . She is very introverted and strange . I get the impression she does not read often or willingly . Though she lives in Irvine , she has never been on the UCI campus before , and attended Warren Wilson College 's MFA program , where she would not have been required to subsist in the hothouse milieu of a program like UCI 's , where the writers quite often engage in long - term partner - swapping and power struggles . She kept making very self - conscious and odd comments about colleges and college students , and said several times that UCI was " very clean . " However , her poetry was striking and revealed an acute eye and penetrating sensibility . I didn 't stay around after the reading , somehow feeling very old . It suddenly struck me for the first time how much younger even the grad students are than I am right now . It was a long time ago when I was a student there . However , I am glad to have heard two new voices . As I suspected , my dad 's condition could not be sustained for long without another trip to the hospital . My effort to get an appointment ( outpatient ) with a cardiologist , arranged by his doctor , didn 't have satisfactory results ; the first appointment we could get was for next Weds . I knew that wouldn 't be good enough . So when the caregiver called me this afternoon at 2 , and said he was having trouble breathing , I knew this would probably call for another stay in the hospital . When I got there , he was again white and immovable . I knew he wouldn 't be able to walk , so I told the caregiver to call the ambulance , and on their advice , we went to the closest hospital , one where we had not been before . It turned out to be very nice , quite civilized , and much more comfortable than UCI , at least in the emergency room . While in UCI , the tvs and remotes are scratched up and destroyed , unworkable , these worked perfectly . Parking was simple , and there were even people guiding drivers into spots that were safe and legal . And best , it was quite close to home . While we were in the e . r . , and the nurse and I were trying to get his pants off , he almost stopped breathing . It seems the problems he had in UCI when he was there two weeks ago were all back in force : the kidney failure , the elevated potassium , the retained fluid , and even the bladder infection . The doctors still face the same problem : treat one organ and risk shutting down the other . It is probable that this will kill him . I just hope it isn 't a long , lingering , and painful death . If he can get a few more months or a year without too much discomfort , that would be nice . We 'll have to take what we get . I guess we all do . Today 's class was , again , sparcely populated . This class has not waited to dwindle . It has begun almost right away . I have been off to a slow start this semester , trying , as usual , to pack everything the students will need into the classes before the draft is due . So I have taught classes on argument , definition , analysis ( using passages from the story to illustrate and assignments on this to prepare them to write the paper ) , summary , and secondary materials , a task I will continue through next Monday . Only next Weds . will the thesis and plan be due . Next time I teach this class , I will be quicker to the punch and have a draft due before census . The papers will likely be worse than these will , but one must be practical , even in such a long semester . I expect the students will show up again when the draft is due , and won 't have clue how to write it . But they 'll find that out only belatedly . Might as well have had the draft come in earlier since that is the case . |
Hi . My name is Paul . I am fifteen years old , a college student ( full - time ) , and I wear diapers . Now that all the vital stats are out of the way , let me give you the details . Yes , I wear diapers . No big deal . I have wanted to wear diapers ever since I was six years old . I can 't tell you why , but I have . I think part of it stems from the fact that I have encopresis , which is a condition that causes partial or complete loss of bowel control . My parents are understanding now , but they weren 't when I was younger . They called me lazy and made me sit on the toilet for an hour each night until I was about eight . Accidents were cause for tantrums on my parents ' part , and I tried not to have them . However , that 's just the beginning of my story . . . The last day of final exams . The exams themselves weren 't too bad , but they put me under a lot of stress , which aggravated my encopresis . That day , I had two exams , both in math classes . My parents didn 't know it yet , but I had nearly failed one of the classes already , and finals were my last chance to bring my grade up in that class . Since I knew that I would have problems that day , I grabbed a plastic bag and a few extra pairs of underwear . As I expected , during my first exam ( in the course I was failing ) , I had an accident . I was on the last problem of the test , and I had made sure to sit in a secluded area of the room . I quickly put my jacket on to make sure that no stains would be visible , and I walked up to the professor 's desk to hand in my test . " You 're telling me . Thanks for the help . I needed it , and I think that 's why this stuff finally clicked , " I said . We waved good - bye , and I went straight for the restroom . As soon as I was inside a stall , I took my pants off and pulled down my underwear . It was not a pretty sight . I quickly wiped myself off with the toilet paper . Then , I stepped out of the pants and underwear . I quickly changed into a fresh pair of underpants that I had stashed in my backpack , and put the soiled ones into a plastic freezer bag that I had sneaked into my backpack that morning . I closed it up , then put it into a grocery bag that I had also nabbed that morning . I stashed the whole affair in my backpack , then walked out of the restroom as if nothing unusual had happened . Success ! My parents wouldn 't know about my accidents now ! What they didn 't know about wouldn 't hurt me , I figured . Now that I had Algebra out of the way , I had study to take my PreCalc exam ( I know . If I was taking PreCalc , why take Algebra ? Hey , I skipped three years of high school , so I didn 't want to take any chances ! ) . The exam wasn 't for another two hours , so I studied for about an hour , then figured I knew all I could . I got up , walked around , ate a few free donuts ( My school knows how to take care of its students ! ! ) , then went down to take the final . With that , my friend and I hooked up calculators and I sucked his program onto my calculator . Needless to say , I have a graphing calculator ( TI - 92 , nearly a laptop ! ! ) . After we were done , I ran downstairs . After everybody arrived , the instructor handed out the exams . As he handed me my exam , I noted the top of the sheet - " THE FINAL JUDGEMENT ! " . Talk about sick and sadistic humor ! I resigned myself to my fate , and took the test . Since I kept my jacket on , it helped to contain the odor ( I wear a VERY heavy jacket . ) . Surprisingly , the professor gave a pretty easy exam ! He just liked to scare the hell out of his students ! I went up and handed in my last final for the semester . Then , I made a mad dash for the restroom . I changed myself again , and I put on two pair of underwear this time . Not like my usual four or five , but a little comforting . Then I remembered the program that my friend gave me . He had given me things before , like screensavers . I pulled up the program name and ran it . When I looked at the screen , I couldn 't believe it ! He had given me a pornographic picture of a naked woman on a bed ! Gross ! " Well , you just finished up your last final exam of your first semester in college . That 's worth a little celebration , if you ask me . But then again , I 'm just a mom . What do I know ? " I have to hand it to my mom - she knows how to guilt trip . She doesn 't even have to use the nine months of agony or the hours of labor . She just insults herself in a very nonchalant way that makes your heart break . " Did it occur to you that I might want to spend a little time with my son ? I mean , couldn 't you give that to your own mother after she drives you all the way to college every day ? And . . . " " Okay , mom . Ruby Tuesday 's . We can go there . You like it , I like it , and it 's the only decent restaurant around . Sound good ? " " Sure . I 'm starved , " I said , lying . I 'm a decent liar , I guess . My mom almost always fell for it . The restaurant was only about a mile away , so we got there quickly . We pulled in , got out , and walked inside . I had a Caesar salad ( my favorite ! ) , and my mom had spicy chicken . I was surprised to see her eat something spicy , since she usually hates hot food . After we finished eating , we paid and left . We walked out to the car , and got in . It was HOT . It may have been the middle of January , but we were still getting sixty degree weather ! Mom had left the car in a sunny spot , so we wound up getting into a scorching - hot car . As we both got in , we noticed a funny odor . " Well , get it out , " she said . She was being calm about it ! This was something I was totally unprepared for . She * always * made a huge ordeal out of stuff like this ! I obediently opened my backpack and pulled out the grocery bag . I opened it up , and pulled out the freezer bag . With each container being opened , the smell intensified . Finally , I handed her the freezer bag . " I don 't know , mom ! I just can 't help it ! Honestly ! All I know is that during times like final exams , it gets worse ! " I said . I was on the verge of tears for the first time in four or five years . " It 's okay , sweetie . I talked to your grandmother about it the other day . You had some skidmarks in your underwear , and I called her up to ask her about it . " My grandmother is a psychologist , and she knows about all sorts of problems , whether they are psychological or physical . She was always helping my mom through tough times , and she was one of the best people to talk to in a tight spot . If she knew about problems like this , maybe she knew of a way to treat it ! " She says that problems like this can be stress related . Sometimes , if you can learn how to deal with your stress , you can overcome the problem , " my mom said , trying to comfort me . " Here , go throw these in the Dumpster out back , " she told me , handing the freezer bag over . Now my mother was taking the TV mother approach . This is her prime style , as she is an excellent actress . She knew that to be the best method of approaching the next few issues . " No , I think that I 'm okay . You know I 'd say so if I needed one , " I said . And it was true . We both knew that I told her when I needed that stuff . " Okay . Well , do you enjoy having your underwear ruined ? " The question was not sarcastic , but not totally sincere . It was a question leading into something , but I didn 't know quite what . " I don 't know . I don 't want to have this stupid problem . I just can 't help it ! I 've tried everything ! I even wear four or five pair of underwear to bed at night , so I won 't get the sheets dirty ! " I said . " Diapers . If you wear diapers to bed , you won 't have to put on five pairs of underwear . You could also wear them when you know you 'll be under a lot of stress , like today . " Diapers . Now there was a concept I didn 't mind . I was surprised that my mother had brought it up , and I was scared that there would be some sort of catch . " Paul , you have to . Don 't worry , we 'll keep it within the family . You 'll only wear them when you need them . " " Yes , I was . Paul , I found ten pair of underwear in your room today . All soiled . Even your grandmother thinks that maybe you should wear them for a while . " Great . My mom * was * angry , but she wanted to make it seem like she was doing me a favor . Both my parents still wanted to punish me . Maybe she was a great guilt - trip artist , maybe she was an excellent actress , but above all else , my mother was one hell of a child psychologist . " There 's nothing to be sorry about . You have a problem , that 's all . You say you can 't control it , and I don 't know whether to believe you or not . I 'm just dealing with it the best way I can , " my mother said . We walked inside . My mother handed me my diapers and told me to go up to my room and put one on . I followed her order . I went into my room , pulled off my pants and underwear ( both pair ) , and sat down on my bed . I laid the diaper behind me , then scooted onto it . I pulled it up to my waist , made sure it was good and tight , then fastened it . Then I put my pants back on ( I had to leave the zipper opened ) and walked back downstairs . " Then you 'll wear sweats tomorrow . I 'll try to find some decent looking pants while you 're at school . Now go do your homework . " After about half an hour , my sister , Jen , came home . Usually , she is pretty nice , but I didn 't know how she would react to diapers . She had suggested it to my parents many times ( much to my anger ) , and they had told her to mind her own business each time ( much to my pleasure ) . Recently , she had also taken to being a bit nasty since kids at school were calling her stupid because I was in college before her ( She 's a senior in high school , and I still feel like I made life a living hell for her on that last year . ) . As she came in , I ran to my closet , put on an oversized T - shirt , and came back out . " Not bad . He gave me flowers today . He said it was an early birthday gift . " Oh , puke ! He always got lovey - dovey with her . Oh well . I didn 't say anything . Finally , she looked at me and said , " You may be in college , but I know you wear diapers ! Don 't get an attitude with me any more ! I 'll tell everybody that you wear diapers . " She then sauntered out of my room . " Wonderful . Now she has something to hang over my head , " I muttered . I liked wearing diapers , but I couldn 't let anybody know I was wearing them . Jen was going to hang that over my head for years to come . Well , dad got home that night , and he knew what I was going to be wearing . Of all the members of my family , he was the hardest to try to figure out a potential reaction . My mom 's came immediately , and was a bit unexpected , and I knew how my sister was going to take the news . My father , however , is a complex man , and I hadn 't a clue as to how he would react . The car came in the garage door , and I heard him get out of his car . As usual , the dog attacked him with slobber and sniffing as he came in the door . My dad walked straight into the family room , sat down at the sofa , and opened his briefcase . He pulled out a disk , and handed it to me . " Here you go . Go hook the modem up , then run this . It 's a newer version of the web browser . On top of that , I have a few bookmarks for you . " Huh ? Web browser ? Why did he think I wanted a new browser ? I never used the one that my parents did . . . I had written my own a couple of years back , and I didn 't want a new one . I quickly walked upstairs to the computer room and booted up . I went to DOS ( we use [ gag ] [ choke ] Windows ' 95 ) and went to the A : prompt . I found the file and executed it . It immediately unzipped itself and found its spot on the hard drive , erasing the previous version . I hooked the modem into the wall , exited from DOS , and pulled up the new browser . 3 . 0 , 4 . 0 , I don 't remember . I then went into the bookmarks menu and found a ton of sites marked . I clicked the first one , " Tri - state Incontinence Support Group . " Man ! I expected some links to computer stuff - not diaper pages ! But , hey , this was good enough for me . I looked at the site , then brought up another bookmarked site - " Bittergrey 's Den . " This one didn 't look like a diaper site , but I checked it out . It was , in fact , a site about infantilism - - I had never heard of that . I looked at it , and I didn 't like what I saw . Who would want to dress up like a baby ? The next few sites were all the same . It didn 't interest me . I wore diapers . Why did everybody assume I was into acting like a baby ? Then , I pulled up another site - - " Deeker 's Diaper Page . " This one didn 't seem to have much to do with infantilism , but it talked a lot about diapers in general . I clicked on the " picture gallery " link , and it brought up pictures of the guy who ran the site ( Deeker ) as a kid and as an adult . He seemed pretty open about it ! I went back to his main page , then clicked on the " Deeker 's Diaper Stories " link . Whoa ! Stories about kids in diapers ! I wondered if any of them were about kids my age . I downloaded as many as I could , planning to read them later . " PAUL ! " my parents called from downstairs . It wasn 't a " Paul , yell back " type of yell . It was a " Paul , come down here " yell . I walked downstairs quickly . My mother and father sat in the family room , in their family conference positions . Meeting time , and I knew what it was about . I sat down across from my parents , and my father began . " Paul , you have had this problem since you were a kid . We have both tried to stop it , but we have finally had to realize what is not possible is not possible . Overcoming your problem may be possible , but we can 't do it . You seem to know when you will be affected , but you still haven 't been able to stop it . So , whenever you know you will have the problem , you will wear diapers . That 's why you 're wearing them right now . Do you understand ? " " Well , I looked for ' diapers ' with a search engine , and I found a parental support group . I looked at some of the addresses , and one of them was the guy in the cubicle next to me . I asked him about it , and he gave me a lot of sites . He has a son just like you . He 's about sixteen , and he 's in diapers . He skipped two grades , and he 'll be graduating this June . " This interested me . Who was this kid ? My dad 's cubicle had been shifted around since I was last there , and I didn 't know any of his neighbors . Could I meet this kid ? " Sort of . He has the same problem as you . That 's why we didn 't get upset . Your mom wanted to ground you for three months , but the guy next to me said that it wouldn 't help . He told me about putting his kid in diapers . He said it works , so I called your mom back and told her about it . He wears diapers when he needs it , same as you will . " That explanation satisfied me , and my parents continued . My mother explained to me that since I was in diapers , there were to be no more soiled underwear . If any did appear , I would be severely punished ( Usually about a month 's grounding in my family . ) I would wear the new pants that my mom would buy me tomorrow to school only . Other than that , I was left with whatever fit me to wear at home . ____________________ Paul 's Story - PART 5 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The next morning , I woke up in a diaper for the first time . Actually , I was dragged out of bed in a diaper for the first time . My dad takes it upon himself to be up at four o ' clock every morning , and I was going to work with him that day . Today , also , I got to meet the other kid who wears diapers . I wondered about him . I had begun to think that he might be physically disabled , but from what my dad had said last night , he wasn 't . He was like me , my dad had told me . I still had doubts . I went to the bathroom and showered . As I stepped past the toilet , I thought about how much less I would be using it in the months to come . I showered , dried off , and went back into my room to get dressed . I grabbed a pair of my regular under - wear and put it on with the rest off my clothes . Then I went down to eat breakfast . With no choice , I went upstairs and grabbed a diaper out of the package . I put the diaper on the bed and pulled my pants down . I laid down on the diaper , then pulled it securely into place and fastened it . Afterwards , I pulled my pants up again , but , again , no fit . I grabbed my only other pair of sweatpants and put them on . I noticed a peculiar feeling in my diaper area , kind of like a sunburn , as I walked downstairs . Less than twenty four hours after putting on my first diaper , I had gotten diaper rash . A moment later , Justin appeared . He was wearing a T - shirt that said " Trendy People Suck " , plain brand - x shoes ( that looked pretty damn comfortable ! ) , socks , and a diaper . No pants . He walked up to his dad . As if reading my thoughts , he looked at me and said , " Sorry about the no pants thing . My pants got ripped in biology just yesterday . I didn 't know anybody else would be here . It makes it easier to change myself , though . " Justin 's dad stepped in . " You know , he 's right . But you could probably leave them on for a while longer - those machines take a while to heat up . And if you 're not comfortable in just that around new people , that 's okay , too . " My dad agreed , and they both left . As they did , Justin turned to me . " Don 't worry about it . When you feel comfortable , take them off . Until then , it 's not a problem . " After that , he said nothing about taking my pants off . We did , however , talk about diapers . As it turned out , Justin had been wearing diapers for about three years now , and he was pretty comfortable with them . He said that he started out the same way I did , wearing them when I needed to . He had a lot of social stress at school , though , so he wore them almost nonstop for his first year . After that , he had lost what control he used to have of not only his bowels , but his bladder . We started to talk . As it turned out , he felt the same way I did about diapers . He liked wearing them because they made him feel secure - - he didn 't have much control over his bowels when he started out . Those accidents * were * accidents , and he couldn 't help it . When he started wearing diapers , though , he messed more and more frequently . He loved not having to control himself . The only downside either one of us could see was school . He had a rough time , considering that he was in high school , where violence was tolerated in spite of school policy . Being two years ( and in many cases , three and four ! ) younger than most of the high school seniors in his class didn 't help all that much , either . " It 's a pain in the ass now that all the kids at the high school know , but I can 't help it a lot of the time . It does give me a lot of free time , though . Nobody wants to be associated with me , so I get to work on the stuff I like . Right now , I 'm working on some computer stuff . I do some hacking , leave the handle ' Mercutio ' . I could change my grades , if I needed to , " he said . After about half an hour , it got pretty hot in the building , so I wound up taking my sweatpants off . I stood there in a T - shirt and a gleaming , white diaper . Justin told me I didn 't look that bad . Then he excused himself . I didn 't even realize it , but I did . I had messed in my diaper earlier , but I didn 't know when . I looked at him and told him that I did . I couldn 't believe it ! I had forgotten to bring extra diapers in case I needed them ! What was I thinking ? Now what would I wear ? " No problem . You look like you 're about my size , so my diapers should fit you . I brought about ten , even though I figured I wouldn 't use ' em . " " In case I get diarrhea . If I do , then I have to put two on , just in case . Otherwise , it all goes all over my pants , " he told me . Satisfied with the explanation , we got ready to change ourselves . We each went into separate stalls , simply for privacy . I sat down on the floor , and pulled off my diaper . I did so . He then explained how tightly to pull the diaper up on myself . " By the way , " he added , " do you have any baby oil ? " We both walked in wearing just our diapers and shirts . The two were in the back of the lab , running some sort of test on the chip they were making . We walked up to them . I realized what my dad was saying , and I quickly went and grabbed my pants . I pulled them on quickly . " I thought that you were going to just bring back the burgers , " I said . " Well , what did you want me to do ? I can 't wear any pants . My dad had to raise hell to get me here in the first place ! " I realized he was right . He probably was going out in just a diaper for the first time , same as me . But I was still getting used to wearing diapers , period . Going to McDonald 's on a busy Saturday was not my idea of a way to get started . And what if I saw somebody I knew ? " Don 't worry about it . Given the odds , you won 't see anybody you know . A one in a million shot that you see a friend there , " he said . " As for me , I don 't have that many friends , so I don 't have to worry about it . " We walked in the doors after a freezing trip inside . I walked in after Justin , and we both looked around . The place was jammed . Justin muttered something about finding a place to sit , and I went up to the counter . The young man at the counter only saw my shirt and up because of the height of the counter , but he had seen me come in . He brought the food out moments later . In the meantime , I could feel people staring at me . After he brought the food out , I quickly walked to where Justin and our fathers were waiting . As I walked , I could feel my bladder , and I realized I had been holding it in for some time . I quickly released it all into the front of my diaper . We ate quickly , while dad just sat there , talking to Justin 's dad about the latest problem with their chip . Justin and I realized that we were stuck . So we started talking . We discussed sports ( we both agreed that we hated them ) , cars ( he had his driver 's license , I didn 't ) , and girls ( we were both hopeless ) . Finally , we got back to the lab . When we got home , I went up to my room . On the bed were three pairs of pants , all with elastic waistbands that had snaps on them . I assumed that these were the pants I would be wearing from now on . They didn 't look too bad . I suddenly felt the urge to pee . I walked into the bathroom and undid the tapes on my diaper . I went in the john like usual , then pulled the diaper back up on myself . " Nope . I got accepted to the Nanny Academy . It 's only twenty miles from here , so I get to stay home . " she said , then stuck her tongue out at me . She then ordered me down on my bed . Seeing no choice but to obey , I got on my bed . Jen went about changing me , pulling off the diaper , throwing it away , when she noticed something . So , Jen was now changing my diapers . I wasn 't too hot on the idea . " You know , mom , " I said , " We 're gonna wind up on Jerry Springer at this rate . I don 't want her to see me like that ! " " I ordered more for you today . I got you cotton ones - - I did the numbers , and you could cost up to a thousand dollars a year in those disposable diapers . The reusable diapers are cheaper in the long run . " I listened to what she said , and I did the calculations . Diapers were eighty cents a piece at most , so she was assuming I 'd wear diapers every day ! I didn 't think I was doing that badly . " But mom , if I don 't wear them every day , I won 't cost that much , " I said . Not that I minded cloth diapers ; I loved the idea . I just wasn 't sure about * every * day . " Don 't ! When you are in underwear , you are in underwear , but in diapers , there is no toilet ! Those are expensive diapers , and I don 't want you to waste all that money ! " she said . I woke up for the second time in a diaper , and I couldn 't say I didn 't enjoy the feeling . I had used it last night - - another bowel movement . I got up and went in to take my shower . Jen was not up yet , so I took the diaper into the bathroom , figuring that I could at least put this one on myself . Anyway , it 's not like there was anything to do that I hadn 't already done - - yet . After making sure I was snugly diapered , I went into my room to get ready for church . I quickly put on my shirt and socks , but I didn 't know what to do about pants . There was no way my church pants would fit over my diaper ! Finding nothing else , I looked through the new pants that my mom bought for me . Sure enough , there was a nice pair of black slacks , stuck in the center of the pile . I examined them - - they didn 't have snaps on the side , just like normal pants . However , they did have a crotch with snaps . I guessed that that wouldn 't be a problem , since the snaps we painted black and very few people would probably notice . The huge bulge around my pelvis , on the other hand , would be pretty obvious . Jen went to her class , a traditional bible study class , and I went to mine . I was in a discussion class , which always allowed for some pretty good debate . As I walked in , people were already talking . I took my seat , and the kid next to me gave me a weird look as the diaper made a loud crinkling noise . We started in on our lively debate , and the hour was up in no time at all . Jen came to tell me we had to leave . Although we attended church on a regular basis , my mother wasn 't feeling good . We decided to leave . As I got up to go , I realized that I had soiled myself in Sunday school . I quickly left , not wanting anybody to notice . I got out to the car , and we left . " Oh , son , don 't worry . I got a thirty - year - old kid , and he still wears them . Never sat on a toilet in his life ! Some people just have trouble in that aspect . I didn 't mean to upset you . I just recognized the packaging ! " I looked up at the man , and he winked . I began to feel a bit better . Even though it was a slip of his professionalism , I thought his intentions were good , and it helped me to feel better , knowing that even full - grown adults wore diapers . I tore open the package . As I pulled the cardboard flaps aside , I saw what must have been fifty diapers ! They were cloth , as my mother had said , and they looked like the diapers I had seen on many babies before . Except , of course , for the fact that these were HUGE . They didn 't have any snaps or fasteners on them - - I was going to have to use pins , which were conveniently located right at the bottom of the box . I pulled the diapers out , then went to my closet and opened my dresser . I had always had two or three empty drawers since I never cared for fashion and therefore didn 't need a lot of clothes . I stuffed the drawers full of diapers . I pulled one out , examining it . I started to wish I could be changed into one . My new disposable , however , was still dry and clean . I would be stuck in it until I did something . I quickly put on a pair of my new jeans and a large T - shirt . As I did , I thought about what my mother had said last night . If I did as she asked , then I wouldn 't be able to get out of diapers ! ! If I couldn 't go to the toilet , then I would always be having " accidents " in my diapers , so my parents would then keep me in them longer . . . a wonderful little plan for them , I suppose . I decided to walk downstairs and ask my dad about it . This question took me completely aback . I knew that I wanted to wear diapers , and I was happy to have them . I just didn 't like the concept of needing them . As I thought about what he was asking , I realized that I couldn 't stop myself from having accidents . I knew that medication was not much of an option ( I forgot to mention that I went to see a doctor about my encopresis at age twelve , and he had said that medication wouldn 't work in my case . ) . I pondered the idea , and I arrived at a conclusion . " Then it doesn 't matter . You 're in diapers , Paul . I guess that your mother and I could have been a bit more understanding when you were younger , and maybe let you be in diapers before , " my dad said , with all seriousness . Well , at least I knew what was happening to me . No more toilet - ever . I guess that the more I pressed the issue , the more my parents would press it on me . Not that I minded - - I loved wearing diapers ! I figured that I better not push any further or mom and dad might take my diapers away . It surprised me , however , to realize that every meeting with my parents took me deeper into diapers . I went up to my room and turned on my PC . I have an old machine , a 386 . I popped in a floppy , onto which I had saved all the stories that I had downloaded on Friday . I brought them up on my screen , and I read them all . Some were huge - hundreds of kilobytes a piece . I decided not to read those quite yet . I did read some shorter ones , though . They were pretty cool . As I sat there , I had another accident . Correction : I went in my diaper . I knew I had to . Given that I wasn 't allowed to use the toilet , and I knew , it didn 't qualify as an " accident " . I went to ask Jen to change me . I waited about five minutes before she came into my room . She laid a large towel down on the floor , and ordered me to sit down on it . I complied . She grabbed a cloth diaper out of the drawers and pulled out the box of pins . She put the diaper under me , and pinned it to me . After she was done , she told me to get up . I did . The cloth felt wonderful between my legs , soft and smooth . The cotton rubbed against me , and it felt delightful . Jen then told me to wait in my room while she went to hers . She came back moments later , holding a pair of large plastic pants . Within moments , I was wearing them . I pulled the jeans back on , and snapped the sides . I noticed that these pants didn 't have velcro or snaps in the crotch , but they did have a small , almost indistinguishable zipper . I told Jen that maybe she could use that in the future . She told me that she would remember that in the future . As she left to go downstairs , she told me to follow her . I figured she wanted to try something else on me in terms of her training , so I followed her . I didn 't mind the idea of her babying me , and I didn 't have much of a choice , anyway . We both arrived downstairs . I sat down on the couch , and Jen took a seat across from me . I turned on the TV , and she read over the information on her nanny school . Suddenly , the doorbell rang . Jen opened the door , and Jason stepped in . As I said , I didn 't mind Jason , and I considered him a friend . But he was , in all honesty , a redneck . I doubt he 'd react kindly to my new situation . I waited for the embarrassing moment . He looked at me oddly , then shrugged it off . " Why are you so embarrassed ? If you have to wear them , it shouldn 't be a problem , " he said . Shortly after , the two left for the movie they were going to see . I watched the two leave , and then went back up to my room . I had left my computer on , and I read more stories . I started in on the longest one , figuring I could read the shorter ones in the future . It was about a kid who was very ill - behaved , and his mother , a nurse , turned him back into a baby boy , diapers and all . I really enjoyed it . By the time I was through with that story , my mom came up to my room . " Okay , Paul , you have to make a decision now . When you go to school on Tuesday , what type of diapers are you going to wear . I paid for the Attends , so you can wear them - - but I won 't buy any more when we run out . After that , it 's cloth diapers all the time . What 's it gonna be ? " " I 'd like to wear the cloth diapers to school . I can wear the disposables on special occasions , I guess , " I told her . What types of special occasions would make me want to wear a disposable over a cloth diaper ? I didn 't care , as long as I was wearing a diaper of some sort ! Well , I woke up after a completely uneventful Monday and I realized that it was judgment day . I didn 't feel any stress myself , but my diaper certainly said otherwise . Jen wasn 't up , so I was left to change myself . Mom had run out to the store on Monday , and she bought all the diapering supplies that I would need for at least a month - - over two thousand " baby " wipes ( I still didn 't think the baby thing was all that interesting ) , a gigantic container of powder , and FIVE tubes of baby oil . It did help , though . My diaper felt comfortable ( except , of course , for all the poop ) - - I didn 't have any itchiness or burning sensations in my more delicate areas . Mom drove me to school after breakfast and dropped me off . Classes were still a half an hour away ( my parents like to be early ) , so I went to the computer labs and played on the Internet . After a half an hour , I went to my first class of the new semester - - Spanish 2 . Fortunately , only the teacher was there , and she had a reputation for being understanding about unusual situations - - deaths in the family , stuff like that . Hopefully , that would extend to permanently unusual situations ! " Well , he was a very frugal man in his lifetime , and his first love in life was Europe . So , in his will , he gave over a half a million dollars to the Spanish , Italian , German , and French classes - - to be spent on ' touring the areas of good use of the language ' as he put it . What he meant was that the money was to be spent on sending the students to Europe . Class , we have been given a free trip to Spain ! " A cheer went up from all the students . After we had all calmed down , questions started to pop up . Many of the students were past the age of thirty , and had work obligations . The college offered assistance in dealing employers , if the students desired . It was a two - week tour of the entire country ! " However , since the money is also to be preserved to allow future classes the same opportunity , we will not be offering individual accommodations . Each of you is going to bunk with three others . And don 't worry , you 're not in high school - - it can be boy - girl . " She then gave a quick glance to me and another student that was in an " early - release " program . " Except you two . " The class got a good laugh out of it . Veronica , the other student , and I both looked at each other with faces of mock love . This only brought on more laughter . Finally , we all calmed down . We then finished up the lesson . My next class was an hour away ( I LOVE the schedules the college has ! ) and I didn 't mind waiting after class . Veronica and I talked until the instructor had finished packing up . " Veronica , Paul , I need to tell you a few things about the trip . Since neither of you is eighteen , you will not only have to get a signed permission slip , but you will each be required to take a friend with you in case of an emergency . Sort of an extension of the buddy system , " she said . She indicated to the thickness surrounding my waist . " My husband is a urologist . I 've learned to recognize this type of thing . You just started wearing diapers recently , I assume . " " Well , you and your friend were going to share a single room without anybody else , but we can give you each a separate room if you choose . It can be a bit of an embarrassment to change your diapers without any privacy . Why don 't you think about it for a while , and choose a friend that can come along with you . Then you can decide what type of bunking arrangement you want . " The instructor dismissed me , and I walked out the door to the room . As I did , she handed me a card with two numbers and a name on it . It was her name , I found out ( My schedule had just listed " Staff " as my instructor ) , along with her home and work phone number . I agreed , and went down to the main hall to study my irregular verbs . I went over all the things in my mind , and I tried to think of who I could invite along with me . I also tried to think of how my mom and dad would react - - would I have to wear diapers in Spain , or could I wear normal underwear ? By the time the next class began , I had come to a decision about who I was going to take with me . It may have been a fledgling friendship , but Justin and I had hit it off perfectly . He wouldn 't have any trouble making up his schoolwork , and it would get him away from his high school tormentors for a week . Add to that the diaper factor , and he looked even better . And I didn 't figure a free trip to Spain is something many people would turn down . I walked into my Calculus I class with my mind in a totally different place than math . In fact , I was in such a totally different world that I didn 't even realize when the professor walked in . It was the same professor I had for PreCalc ! This was going to be interesting ! As Mr . Woodrow , our professor , set up his desk , the class chatted . I had taken a seat next to Lee , the friend who had given me the picture for my calculator . We talked a bit , and he eventually convinced me that he had given me the wrong program . Just as he was about to send me the correct file , Mr . Woodrow started the lesson . We spent the next hour and a half studying the basics of limits and derivatives . After class was over , Mr . Woodrow asked me to stay after . I agreed , and the class started to leave . " That 's a good term for it . If you need to change , then don 't worry about it . You know you are free to leave at any time - - this isn 't like high school - - and I 'll get any notes that you may miss . I 've dealt with similar students before , and it is absolutely no problem . I had noticed some trouble last semester , and I thought that you may deal with it this way . Just try to be careful of who you let know . The high school may think of this as a problem , and you might be maked to see a school counselor - - I 've seen it done before . So just so you know , there isn 't any trouble here . " " Paul , your snaps came undone during class . They 're hanging down as we speak . I don 't look at those areas of my students , but I caught the movement out of the corner of my eye . Just try to be more careful in the future . " I pushed the thoughts out of my mind and snapped myself up . I then made a beeline for the parking lot . After waiting a while , Mom showed up and I climbed in the car . " Oh . I guess that makes sense in a weird , half - conscious , mega - convoluted way . So , who are you supposed to take with you ? Are they paying ? " The semester shouldn 't have passed so quickly . I still needed time to get used to the diapers , but the trip was today . Justin was coming , and we were bunking together the entire trip . Jen had been letting me change myself for the past week so I would be used to it when I was in Spain . Justin got there about a half an hour before the bus arrived . He walked around , talked to a lot of the people , had a good time . I noticed that he only brought one suitcase that was too big to be a carry - on . I was going to ask him why when the bus pulled up . On the way to the airport , Justin and I talked about our expectations for the trip . He was sort of worried , since he didn 't speak anything except English , though he had brought along a language course on tape - - one of the Berlitz things . All in all , though , we were excited about the entire ordeal . We arrived at the airport , and we checked our bags in . I was worried that my carry - on bag would be too big , and I 'd have to send it with my other bag . As it turned out , it just fit - - that was a relief . Just before we boarded the plane , Mrs . Balti pulled me aside to ask me if I had to change . My diaper was clean and dry , so there was no need . She also asked if I had told Justin that I wore diapers . " You need to know , you AREN ' T going to be able to keep it a secret from him on this trip . He 'll find out soon enough . Does he know ? " We boarded the plane and got ready for takeoff . Justin was dry , so we both figured we were ready for the flight . We took seats right next to each other - - we had to , for the buddy system . " No problem . We 'll be six miles high , and the wings still will work . We would have at least a couple hundred miles before we even needed to worry - - these planes have a great length - to - drop ratio . " Justin spent a few more minutes convincing the man that he was safe . Eventually , he decided to go to sleep . When he finally started snoozing , I looked over at Justin . About that time , a flight attendant came on the speaker and started announcing the in - flight movie . The other flight attendants then came down the aisles , collecting money for the headphone rentals . Justin and I reluctantly gave four dollars each for the privilege of owning the headphones for twelve hours . The movie was " Scream 2 " . About half way through the movie , I realized that I had wet myself slightly - - not enough to warrant a change yet , but I didn 't know if the diaper would last for the entire flight . After all , I had been wearing cloth diapers for about two months now , but I was wearing a disposable ( with plastic pants ) for the flight . I didn 't know how much this diaper could hold . Justin seemed unworried about his diapers - - he was wearing layered cloth diapers , so they could absorb more than what I had on . However , he did shift a few times during the movie , seeming like he itched in that area . I hoped that he wasn 't developing diaper rash . After the movie was over , meals were served . We had a choice between beef god - only - knows - what or a cold - cut sandwich . Justin and I both opted for the latter , and it wasn 't that bad a sandwich , much to our surprise . I quickly gathered all my stuff into my carry - on . I realized that I had wet my diaper as well as messed it while I was sleeping . But the " fasten safety belt " sign was on , and I couldn 't go change myself . I figured I could change as soon as we got on the ground . Justin whispered to me that he had the same problem , and he would need to change , too . We landed , and the plane taxied into the terminal . We got off the plane and went straight to the restrooms . We quickly changed into the fresh diapers . I threw my old one in the trash , and Justin put his in a trash bag that he put into my bag . We then went back and joined the group to wait to pick up our luggage . The line at the baggage claim was surprisingly short . We waited about ten minutes until the conveyor belt started moving . As it moved the suitcases and bags along , my classmates moved forward to pick up their belongings . I noticed that some people didn 't collect any bags , Justin and myself included . When all was said and done , about a quarter of the class was left without anything but the clothes on their back ( literally ) . The airline , after some heated conversations in both Spanish and English , decided to give each person a full refund for the trip . Since the school was paying for it anyway , the money was to be used to buy new clothing and supplies until the luggage could be tracked down and delivered . Adult Diaper Stories thanks you for your visit . We hope you found a Diaper Story you like . Try using our Google Search Box which will scan 1000 's of Diaper Stories and Abdl Stories in seconds for you . All you need to do is type something in the search box that interests you . Maybe you like the popular Diaper Punishment Stories or Adult Diapers Stories . 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The following two pictures were taken from the inside of my car when we pulled up to Lomngeletjane . The kids just swarmed my car . I actually had to tell some of the kids to " hamba " ( go ) in an attempt to get them to back away just a bit from my car so I wouldn 't drive over their toes ! And then there were so many hands for me to touch as I said hello to each child . And of course there was the other Nothando . She always comes up and stands quietly by me with a big smile waiting for me to say " Hi Nothando " to her . She thinks it is so great that we have the same name . Oh to be loved and wanted . I am going to miss all these kids while I am in the States but I can 't allow myself to think of that yet . Nomile has hit her goal weight of 8 . 6 kg ( almost 19 lbs ) ! Normally she would be released tomorrow , but we have to find a place for her to go . Please keep praying that they don 't make her go back to her grandparent 's house or surrounding area , and that the social worker can get her into ABC House in Bulembu . Thoko gave me a pair of sandals to take to Nomile . They were a little big on her but she loved them . Most of the time she was trying to take them off and then put them back on again . She was making sounds even more today than yesterday . I swear she said " down " one time after I said it to her . And Nomile is no longer afraid of the camera . When she saw the flash when I took the first picture she laughed out loud and then wanted to come closer while I did it again . She also liked looking at herself on the camera . Oh , but she cried so when I put her back in her crib and said bye - bye . It breaks my mother 's heart , just as it did every day when my kids were little and I would have to say good bye to them when I went off to work . Posted by What a day . I got a few things done this morning that I had planned , but not as much as I had hoped considering I only have a l little more than a week before I leave to come home . However , the big thing that happened today is that Thoko gave Nomile 's grandfather transport money so he could come meet us at the hospital and talk to Nomile 's social worker . She thought he would probably feel more free to tell the real story if the grandmother wasn 't around . ( Thoko is sure that his wife , Nomile 's grandmother abuses him as well . ) We were supposed to meet him at the hospital at noon , but Thoko was in a meeting that went longer than she thought it would . So by the time Thoko and I went to the hospital it was close to 2 : 00 . We didn 't see him outside where she had told him to meet her so we went to see Nomile . We walked in the door and the grandfather was sitting on a chair . Nomile was sitting in her crib . My heart stopped . I really didn 't want the grandfather to see Nomile , especially without Thoko and I because I was worried how Nomile would react or what was going through her little mind . Nomile was not her normal self . I 've noticed that when there is more than one person giving her attention , she doesn 't seem to be able to handle it . She just kind of withdraws into her original behavior . I 've also noticed if something is uncomfortable , such as when she wets her nappie , that she briefly withdraws . I wasn 't surprised to find her unresponsive again . To my surprise , she did hold her hands out to me and let me hold her and rock her . She leaned her head against my lips , the signal for more kisses . She gave a couple of small smiles , but not even close to what I saw yesterday . Thoko said the grandfather could not believe she was the same child . Thoko took him to speak with the social worker and I stayed with Nomile . ( Aw , too bad . . . NOT ! ) Nomile and I had such fun . She is now saying " bababa " and I said " mamamama " to her and she repeated me . She was reaching out for me to play with her even more than yesterday . All of the nursesWhen Thoko came back , she told me that the grandfather told the social worker everything . The story is unbelievable . The grandfather was actually praying that the grandmother would kill the child so that she would be out of her pain and misery . I can understand his desperation , but a grandparent praying that prayer is beyond my comprehension . He told the social worker about the shack she had to sleep in alone whether it was cold , hot or raining . He told her he thought she would die by the end of the day the morning he had another child carry her to Thoko 's house . He told the social worker that the child couldn 't come home and couldn 't even go home with someone in the area because his wife would make life miserable for Nomile and whoever took her in . Thoko talked to her about the ABC House at Bulembu and the social worker said they could probably make that happen but that they wouldn 't be able to put her up for adoption . I assume the main reason is because there is not documented proof that the father and mother of the child are alive or dead . Thoko told the social worker that we didn 't care about that , but that she and I wanted the child to be in a place where we knew she would be loved and cared for . She also told her that I would really like to know the child will be safe before I leave for home . The social worker said the grandfather would have to sign an affidavit and he said he would sign it . He does not want her to come home . I had chills as Thoko was telling me about the visit . On one hand the behavior of the grandparents is unfathomable to me ; on the other hand I am thanking God for wrapping his arms around this child and saving her . I want to cry and shout for joy at the same time . Nothing is a done deal yet , so we have to be cautious and diligent to make this happen , but I know in my heart that the Lord is answering all of our prayers . And the grandfather is now saying a prayer of thanks and praying that the child gets moved to ABC House or someplace that will love and care for Nomile . The social worker that is in charge of Nomile 's case is on holiday this week , so we will have to follow up with her next Monday , but Thoko said both social workers had been to visit Nomile and said that it was so clearly evident that the child had been abused . I think just about everyone knows Nomile 's story . I was actually almost as afraid for the grandfather when he entered the malnutrition unit as I was for Nomile 's reaction . Lucky for him , all of the mothers and babies who were there when she was admitted have now gone . By the way , the grandfather and Nomile look a lot a like . You can certainly tell they are related . And in case you haven 't gathered , Nomile has discovered the camera isn 't a bad thing ! This last picture is her making her great little motor boat sound . Posted by Thursday Thoko and I went to measure some of the Lutsandvo Lwa Krestu kids at Lutfotja for uniforms , shoes , etc . and to see how they are doing . It was another cold , rainy day . The roads were really bad . We went to the High School to ask when school reports were coming out and I just slipped and slid down the road . When we got back to Manzini Thoko and I stopped in to see Nomile . Nomile was in a bad mood . I think she wasn 't feeling well . We couldn 't get a smile out of her no matter how hard we tried and she didn 't want to be held or touched . We stayed for a little while and then left . It was still raining . It rained all night long and all day Friday and Friday night without letting up . By Friday , I was so tired of looking at the torrent of water and the mud and being cold that I stayed home all day with a blanket wrapped around me . I didn 't even go visit Nomile , which I did feel bad about . Saturday morning the rain stopped . Briefly . I did some things on the computer and then decided I better eat some breakfast . Breakfast didn 't go in my stomach well but I kept going . I went to visit one of the members of St . Paul 's that had some clothes to give Lutsandvo Lwa Krestu . We visited for a couple of hours and by then it had stopped raining for good . My plan was to go from her house to the hospital . By the time I left her house I was achy , really sick to my stomach and my head hurt so i went home . Tylenol helped . This morning I awoke to the sun shining , birds singing and the sounds of soccer players glad to be playing after so many days of rain . I was feeling better , but still not great . So I took more Tylenol and took a nap instead of going to church . By afternoon I was feeling a bit better and went to see Nomile . I was feeling real bad that no one had gone to see her since Thursday and that was not a good visit . I walked into the Malnutrition Unit and she was lying in her bed , but she smiled as soon as she saw me . I laid my head down on the bed with her and talked to her and then started tickling her . I just love that sweet girl 's laugh . It is so precious . I spent about three hours playing with her , giving her the special milk to drink a couple of times , rocking and singing to her . I brought some bubbles but she didn 't really know what to think about them . The greatest thing is that she is now making some noise and she initiated touching me ( hitting my hand and patting me as I rocked her ) . She is the best little motor boat there is and she was making all the little sounds I 've been making to her . Once she even said " ba " when I blew the bubbles . I held her for a long time singing " Jesus Loves You " to her and she was humming with me . ( I have this thing that I always change the words to Jesus Love You when I 'm singing to a baby or little one . I know He loves me , I want them to know He loves them . ) The ladies and nurse 's aide kept laughing at how happy she was . I understood as a new mom said to one of the moms that has been there for awhile that I loved Nomile . Towards the end while I was rocking her she cuddled her head up next to my neck and fell asleep . I tried to put her in her crib so I could leave , but of course she woke up and cried . I held my hands out and she got up and came to me . I could tell the mothers thought I was spoiling her . But as I rocked her , I whispered in her ear that Grandma Shirley ( my mom ) would say I 'm not spoiling her . She would say Nomile just needs to be held and rocked a little more . Soon it was time for her to have another drink of her milk , and after that I kissed her goodbye and left . She didn 't cry , but those big sad eyes of hers make me feel so bad when I leave her . Most of the kids that were in the malnutrition unit have been released . Only three other kids that have been there for a while still remain and one of them is an orphaned child born to parents from Mozambique . They don 't know what they are going to do with her , so in the meantime they keep her in the malnutrition unit where she receives a bit more care and it 's not as noisy as it is on the regular ward . They 've moved Nomile into the crib next to hers . Most people play and talk to both children as they walk by . There was a new small child . I don 't know the child 's age and the mother must not speak English . The child is quite a bit taller than Nomile . But the child was either seizing most of the time I was there , or has very , very severe cerebral palsy . My guess is she was having slight seizures and has severe cerebral palsy . That was real sad to see . I know there isn 't going to be much that can be done for the child . The mother was taking such care in feeding it spoonfuls of milk ; wiping the child 's mouth after every spoonful . The child reminded me of a few of the kids I worked with at the State home in Southern Indiana . I can 't believe the pain and hardship the mothers and the children who are handicapped endure in this country . I am even more amazed that so many handicapped children and adults are alive because not that long ago they would have been killed . I know that many of these children are alive because their mothers or gogos refused to follow cultural tradition and kept them alive many times risking abuse to themselves and certainly not receiving any help to care for the child . That is true love . The Lutsandvo Lwa Krestu kids from Lutfotja . Our little family has grown . We are now seeing that 14 children get to the clinic to get their monthly ARVs and medical care for other illnesses as needed . We have about 6 or 7 families that we help in other ways as appropriate . Today was a great day in spite of the fact that once again today I didn 't have enough water to do anything . But I decided I wasn 't going to let that get to me . I keep a couple of 5 litre bottles of water in my house for days when I don 't have water . So I heated some up on the stove so I could take a makeshift shower and wash my breakfast dishes . Then I was off to the paint store to buy more paint for the teacher 's house . I took it up to Lomngeletjane and then headed to Cashbuild in Matsapha to buy more cement ( Yes , AGAIN . I swear I don 't know where it all goes . ) I also got bricks for the stove I am having built this weekend for Lomngeletjane . The guy , who always takes my order , asked me how much he charges me for transport . We discuss this every time I come . I told him that he had been charging me 150 rand the last couple of trips , but I would really like it if he would charge me 75 rand . And he said why ? And as always I said because I am buying the materials for the church to build a school and I 've spent a fortune at this store over the last two years . He shook his head as normal , but when I got in the car I saw that today he gave me the transport for 75 rand ! By the grace of God I managed to get all of this done and get to Bible Study just a few minutes late . Amazing . After Bible study I went back to Matsapha to pick up the steel frames for the stove . It took me about 45 minutes of driving up and down just about every street in Matsapha until I finally found the place . I called the place I was trying to find 3 times for directions . I kept asking for a street name and the woman would say " Precious , you will never find us if I give you the name of the street . " Granted half the time the street signs aren 't pointing in the correct direction , but they do help this American figure out if I am at least in the ball park . I finally found it and actually felt like I had conquered one more thing in Swaziland . I should have been writing down all these little successes over the last 2 + years . Two years ago I would have been close to tears . Today I just kept going on street after street going partly on instinct knowing that eventually I would find the place . After getting the frames I drove back up to Lomngeletjane to drop them off . Then I went to St . Paul 's to see if the groundskeeper could wash my car since I wouldn 't be going up to Lomngeletjane again until Friday . I started a pot of chicken soup ( yes , I pretty much live on this stuff ) and then went to the hospital to see Nomile . When I approached the door and looked in the window , she saw me and gave me the cutest , greatest smile I think I 've ever seen . My new routine seems to be picking her up , hugging and kissing her and then changing her nappie ( diaper ) . She knows that I am changing her , and not laying her down to leave . Then we play . She is starting to make some sounds - pre - babbling . She loves it when I tickle her and get her toes . Then after a while all of a sudden she stopped laughing and playing . I wondered if she was tired so I started rocking her and singing Jesus Loves Me to her . She kind of hummed along with me . After a bit , when I could tell she was close to falling asleep I laid her in her bed and covered her up . She let me cover her and kiss her and didn 't cry this time . The nurse had asked me to stop by her office when I left , so I did . She said the Dr . had ordered an ointment for her and the hospital didn 't have it . The Dr . had told them to tell me so I could buy it from a chemist in town . They also thanked me profusely and shared how excited they are that Nomile is doing so well . I thanked them for all that they are doing for her . As I was walking to my car , I couldn 't help but think how God has changed my path . In 2006 I had a vision of returning to Africa to rock babies . Over 4 years later , it has finally happened . I feel like this is why I was called here : to rock this one child . It is a feeling I can 't explain . But as I walk through the hospital and clinic , so many people from the Doctors to the security guards smile and say hello . I was thinking back to when I would walk through the hospital where my mom and sometimes my dad was and how that became almost like a second home and realized it was the same feeling as I now have walking through this hospital / clinic . When you aren 't afraid to drive up , up , up the very squishy , muddy road in the rain to Lomngeletjane to deliver the paint for the teacher 's house so it can hopefully be finished before you come home . John and the head teacher couldn 't believe I actually made it up there . ( You 'd think they would have figured out by now I don 't give up easily ! ) And most definitely when you can 't give enough praises to God for answering your prayers to heal this innocent child . Nomile now weighs 7 . 45 kg . Her goal weight is 8 . 6 kg . I can no longer feel every bony bump in her spine . She kept openly looking at me with the sweetest smile and just a hint of a dimple . She is camera shy , but I managed to get a couple of pictures of her drinking her formula . When she finished I put her down and motioned for her to take her cup to the kitchen so the nurse 's aid could wash it . The nurse 's aid was so thrilled . First the good news : Lomngeletjane is coming along . The plumber ran into an issue of mounting the geyser ( hot water heater ) but between he and John they think they worked out what needed to be done . Of course it meant another trip to the hardware store to buy more items . John has the Septic tank finished and the French drain is almost finished . He has started patching the plaster in spots where the plumber had to knock some out or the small spots that he missed when he did the plastering . The greatest news was that some of the parents , mainly mothers and gogos , where there to put up the fencing the government gave them for a school garden . They gave Lomngeletjane enough for a garden 70m by 100m . John decided to use the existing perimeter fence on two sides and then use the new fence for the other two sides , Thus allowing the fencing to go far enough to surround not only the school garden , but the orchard they are planting . I am very excited and encouraged by John 's thinking and that so many people came out to help put up the fence . The bad news is that sometime last week during a power outage due to one of the many storms we have been having , someone stole the electrical wires from the pole to the church and ripped out the wire that goes into the meter box . The church / school has to replace the wires to the meter box and then the electric company will come out and replace the main electrical wires that were stolen . I just can 't believe that mentality , but it happens all the time . The thugs take it to recycling places and sell it for the copper . I told John he needs to tell the police that they need to go hang out at the recycling places and arrest everyone that doesn 't have some sort of a license to have this stuff . The lack of electricity means we can 't pump water which means we can 't test the plumbing and it is harder to get water to mix the cement , though this part is doable . I ended my day by going by the hospital to visit with Nomile . Thini was walking in directly ahead of her . Nomile cried at Thini at first , but when I came closer she put her arms out for me to hold her . Of course after a while she started kind of grunting / whining , so Thini took her and she settle in just fine . Then she started it again so I I took her back and she actually fell asleep while I was rocking her . I kept rocking her for a while , but then decided we should leave so I could get home before dark . Of course she woke up crying when we put her in bed . One of the nurses came in while we were there and wondered who Thini was . She thought she was the gogo . ( If I was the gogo I wouldn 't be brave enough to show my face around that place . ) I explained who she was . She explained to the nurse that was with her that I am the baby 's mother who brought her in . The nurse told me that she cries whenever I leave . I 'm not sure if she was trying to tell me not to leave , to stop coming or just making a statement . At any rate , I won 't stop coming , I can 't stay there and really don 't want to sleep on the floor knowing there are huge cockroaches and probably micChris I went to the hospital a little after 5 : 00 PM to see Nomile . Unfortunately my day was full and I couldn 't get there before then . As I was walking into the hospital two of the mom 's of other children on the malnutrition unit stopped me and told me that Nomile was doing good . When I got to the ward , she was laying in bed with the teddy bear I bought her on her chest . One of her hands was on it , but she wasn 't holding it . I picked her up and gave her a hug . She didn 't respond , but she didn 't pull away either . Then a few minutes later the nurses ' aide came in to give her the special formula to drink . I sat her back on her bed . The aide tried to give it to her but she turned away . I waited a minute or two and then picked her up and sat in a chair . The aide saw that she came to me and gave me the cup . I held it up to Nomile and she drank it right down . She even helped hold the cup ! I held her for about 2 hours . She never made a sound and she would sneak peaks at people or me but wouldn 't look directly at us . For the most part , she stayed in what ever position I put her in . I rocked her and hummed or sang softly to her , talked to her . Sometimes I would be talking to a couple of other babies in cribs next to her but I kept holding her and rubbing her bony little back . A few times she relaxed into my chest or leaned her head over to rest on me . I 'm taking that as a sign that she felt safe . I could just feel her soaking up my being . It was like we were one , even though she wasn 't holding on to me . The moms of the babies all talk and interact with the different babies in the room . If one is crying and the mom is gone , the others try to help out . I could tell that they were laughing and talking about me , but of course I don 't understand enough SiSwati to understand . Finally a mom asked me if I spoke SiSwati and I said no . They were surprised . Pretty soon the two moms that speak some English started asking me questions like where I live where I am from , if I have a husband , if I have kids , etc . When they found out I am from the US , then the questions changed to things such as will you take me to America ; will you get me a job ? ; etc . " They seemed surprised that I was making faces and baby sounds to a couple of the little ones so one finally asked me if I like kids . I told them yes and that seemed to amaze them for some reason . About 7 : 00 the aide came in again and handed me another cup of formula . Nomile drank it right down . I praised God and Nomile . Then I sat her in her bed , put the teddy bear back in her arms , pulled up the side of the crib , said bye - bye and left . She didn 't react or make a sound . She will one day . I just know she will . Meet Nomile ( no - meal lee ) . She is probably 2 + years old . No one really knows because she was abandoned by her mother and her father . Her mother dumped her at the father 's parents homestead when the child was about a year old which was around a year or so ago . The father 's mother ( Nomile 's grandmother ) has 12 children . Yes , twelve . Both the grandmother and grandfather are living . Six of the children live at home , with the youngest being about Nomile 's age . Nomile was basically abused and neglected by the grandmother and the grandfather did very little to nothing to protect or care for the child or to stop the grandmother from abusing this child . This child 's grandparents live on a homestead across the river from Thoko 's house . A couple of weeks ago Thoko asked me what she should do about this child and I suggested we bring the child to the hospital clinic to have a Doctor look at her and decide where we go from there . Thoko finally decided she would bring the child to the hospital clinic today . Matter - of - fact , yesterday evening I actually bought 2 nappies ( diapers ) for the child to wear when she came to the Doctor . As it turned out , one of the baby 's aunts brought Nomile to Thoko 's house at 6 : 00 am and said the grandmother said she was giving the child to Thoko . She didn 't want to deal with her anymore . Thoko cleaned up the child and found some clothes to put on her so she could bring her to the Doctor today . I met them at the hospital clinic around 10 : 00 this morning . I had planned on running a few errands ( delivering formula to Tiphelele and Nonjabulo ) and then meeting them at the clinic . However , I was still exhausted from yesterday 's events and so I was moving very slow this morning . Thoko and the Rural Health Motivator in her community said that as soon as the intake nurse looked at the child and started taking her vital statistics she said she would be admitted for severe malnutrition . I arrived as they were waiting to see the Doctor . The Doctor is the same one that looked at two boys we brought in last week . We walked into the examining room and he is sitting at a table reading the newspaper . He acted bored and like we were disturbing him . I immediately had to take a real deep breath to keep my feelings towards the Doctor in check . Thoko is very subservient to a person , especially a male of any authority , so it was hard for her to really open up to the Doctor and tell him about the child . I filled in some of the blanks answering in more detail . He asked what we were prepared to do for the child . We didn 't know what he was asking . I asked if he was talking about financial responsibility , because I would take care of what ever it cost to treat the child . He said no , he was talking about what we would do if he hospitalized her because that is what needed to happen . They expect a family member to accompany a child of her age in the hospital . I told the Doctor we would make a plan to do what needed to be done . I guess he finally realized we were sincere because he called a social worker . We went to her office and the bottom line is the child was admitted as a child without relatives . Nomile will be fed , cleaned and changed by nursing aides and the social worker will go investigate the homestead to see if Nomile will be able to return there when she is able to leave the hospital . Malnutrition is what I will call a silent , deceiving illness or state of health . To look at this child , she appears to be healthy - her cheeks and tummy are fat . But when they took her clothes off , you could see that her arms , legs , rib cage , shoulders and the shoulder blade area were nothing but bones with a little skin stretched on them . She weighed 6 . 5 kgs which is about 14 pounds . The hardest thing to see in this child is that just by looking at her you can tell she has been neglected and abused . She is afraid to move and afraid to look at anyone . Thoko told me the child was put in a hut by herself to sleep . This child doesn 't make a sound . You can tell that she is just trying to be invisible . When you hold her , it 's like holding a straight board . She doesn 't move . I held her and rocked her for a long time . She finally closed her eyes and was trying to sleep as I rocked her . Thoko touched her and she flinched back away from her . It was very interesting to see the reaction on the malnutrition unit . The unit was full . It had 9 or 10 babies in it . One baby was just 6 weeks old and weighed only 2 kgs - about 4 1 / 2 pounds . There was barely room to stand in the room . But all of the mothers and the staff gathered around Nomile 's crib asking questions . Then there was a very loud , heated , emotional discussion . I couldn 't understand what they were saying , but I could tell they were outraged by the state of this child , especially the very obvious abuse and neglect this child had gone through at the hands of her grandmother . One of the mothers went to a corner in the room and cried . I knew how she felt because I kept fighting back the tears myself . After Nomile was settled , Thoko and I took care of some other business and then went to buy a few things for Nomile . I also bought her a teddy bear . We took the things back to the hospital for her . While there the nurse 's aide came in and gave her the specially fortified formula to drink . She will be fed every 3 hours . They told us she will initially loose weight , because some of the weight she currently has is fluid built up in her body . Once her system starts working again she will loose some of that fluid and then start gaining weight . Her target weight for release from the hospital is 8 kgs . Thoko , the Rural Health Motivator and I will make a plan to rotate when we visit the child . We 're going to call Thini in as well . Our plan is to wrap this child in love because we know that her spirit needs to be nourished as much if not more than her body needs the nourishment . As I was holding her I thought of how sure I was that Scott was going to be a girl . We wanted a girl and because my pregnancy was so different I just knew he was a girl . Christopher wanted a baby sister , but God 's plan was for me to have two boys which as always I later realized was the best thing . But as I held Nomile today I also realized that this is the third very sick baby girl that God has put in my path . I also thought of the other children , mainly girls who have become so much a part of my life and I realized that God blessed me with boys as my biological children because he knew I would have many daughters here in Swaziland . Yesterday as I read my morning devotional , the target verse that stuck in my mind was Philippians 4 : 4 : " Rejoice in the Lord always ; again I will say , Rejoice . Let your gentleness be known to everyone . " The song " You can tell we are Christians by our ( talk , walk , smile , prayer , etc . ) " came into my heart and head . I prayed others would know I am a Christian by my actions and not ( unkind ) words . I thought this really applied to Christians at large , and especially those presently involved in conflicting views about some things pertaining to this circuit . Yesterday was one of the most frustrating , irritating days I have had since being in Swaziland . Thoko and went to try and get some information from the Social Welfare Dept about a child who may be being abused or at the least probably has some emotional issues because of past abuse or possible inherited mental illness . That was an exercise in futility . Then we went up to Lomngeletjane to talk to the head teacher about the situation with a couple of kids and then take 6 or 8 kids home after school so we could see just how far away their homestead is from school . First thing at Lomngeletjane I see the plumber has not been back to finish his work . He was supposed to be finished by Monday . He is holding up the finishing of the house . Grrr Then our talk about the child we are trying to find services for seemed to go now where . It seemed like every time we were on a path to a conscientious , the path made a u - turn . Finally it was time for school to end . So we gathered up the kids , and put them in the back of my Honda CRV to drive them to their homesteads . ( Yes , I had 6 or 8 kids sitting on top of each other in the far back of my car . ) The story we had was that these kids walk two hours one way to get to school each day . Most are in grade 1 . From what people have said ( without ever seeing their homesteads ) we thought they lived in an area where I knew there was a primary school and a Children 's Cup care point . In my mind we were going to the homesteads to convince the guardians to send the kids to that school instead of Lomngeletjane . The children didn 't live where I thought they lived and though there is a school which is a bit closer , the children would have to cross a river that floods when there is rain . I realized I was just frustrated , emotionally and physically tired , and angry at " parents " who drop their kids off at their parent 's house and then never help take of them even financially . In reality , I was just plain cranky . I sat in my car as Thoko went to visit all of the homesteads . I used the security of my car as my excuse , but in reality , I was just nursing my ugly feelings . I knew I wasn 't the face of Christ . I kept praying for Him to give me patience and change my attitude and thinking . But I kept sitting there tired , cranky and hungry . About 4 : 30 when Thoko was finally finished visiting all of the homesteads we headed back to St . Paul 's for our Lutsandvo Lwa Krestu meeting that should have started at 5 : 00 . It also started raining about that time . I stopped by a local store so Thoko could get something to eat and drink . About 3 : 00 I ate a Cliff bar hoping it would make me feel better . It didn 't . But Thoko hadn 't had anything all day . We went to our meeting , and dumped everything on the two board members , which I must confess , helped me feel a bit better . Our meeting ended about 8 : 00 . I always take Thoko home after evening meetings because she lives out in the rural area and has no way to get home after the last bus leaves to her area around 5 : 00 . I really didn 't want to drive her home because it was lightening , I was hungry , dog tired and hadn 't had a chance to go to the bathroom since about 10 : 00 in the morning . But I really didn 't mind . As always it was good for us to just talk about some things on the way to her house . Because of the rain , we couldn 't cross the river where we usually do , but had to go up river about 1 km to cross it . Even there the river was a bit higher than I like it to be , especially in the black darkness of night in the rural area without even light from the stars or the moon because of the clouds . The worst part for me about crossing here is that I 'm not real familiar with the road from the river to Thoko 's house . I 've only used this crossing 2 or 3 times and that was over a year ago . There are very few homesteads along the way . I dropped Thoko off and then started back , praying that the Lord would not allow me to get lost at night in the middle of the rural area . I just kept asking him over and over to guide me and not let me get lost and not let me stall in the river . All of a sudden on the dirt - sandy road / path I saw a single set of tire tracks on the dirt road / path . I realized it was my tracks ! I followed those tracks back to the river . Just before I got to where I knew I was by the river I started seeing several tracks on the road . I crossed the river with my stomach in my throat but with the confidence that the Lord was going to bring me through it . He wasn 't going to let anything happen to me . The tire tracks in the sand made me think of the story and pictures of the footsteps in the sand : when there was one , it was because Jesus was carrying me . When there were many , He was by my side . I am praising Him once again for not leaving me when I needed Him the most . And I 've already asked forgiveness many times for not being open to His presence earlier in the day when I was so cranky , irritable and quiet . I am so humbled for thinking that the verse he put in my heart in the morning was more applicable to others than it was to me . I can 't solve the problems in Swaziland or even do much to improve the lives or conditions of many of the children that are put before me . But I can , with His help do what I can kancane , kancane … . bit by bit . And I can strive to have an attitude and voice such that others will know I 'm a Christian by my actions and my gentleness . As stated in my last post , we took the two boys and their gogos from Lomngeletjane to the hospital / clinic in Manzini ( RFM ) . As predicted , the pediatrician did nothing and was absolutely no help . I think I knew more than he did . It was so frustrating . But , I was trying to keep positive . The first boy lives with his gogo in Lomngeletjane but his father is alive and lives about 6 or 7 km away . He seems to have a small welding business . The boy 's mother passed away a few years ago probably from complications of AIDS . He went to an English medium pre - school and was in grade 2 when he got meningitis . He survived which is very rare in Swaziland , however , he is now deaf . It is amazing because even though he seems to not hear anything , his SiSwati and English are very good . You can tell he is smart and he 's very inquisitive . However , his behavior is totally out of control and no one does anything to try and discipline him . His behavior reminds me of Helen Keller . He is now in grade 1 and is totally disruptive it . He has also started running away to his father 's place whenever someone is not with him . The second boy is a little more complex . He has a rather mild form of cerebral palsy since birth . He has some level of mental retardation , but it is really hard to tell how much of it is because of his slight CP and the lack of therapy or individual attention . I think he might be brighter than he looks and than people think . The Doctor was even less helpful with this child than he was for the first child . This boy lives with his mother and gogo . The father is either deceased or has deserted them . The mother is " sick " so the gogo really cares for him . The Doctor said he wanted to talk to parents of each child . So , this morning I drove up to Lomngeletjane very early to pick up the children and their parents . I had to go pick them up because the second boy 's gogo said the mother wasn 't well enough to walk to the bus stop and take public transport . She wasn 't kidding . I have no idea what is wrong with the mother . My guess is she is HIV + and probably not on medication or has an opportunistic illness . We got to the RFM about 8 : 00 this morning . We were the first two patients slated to see the Doctor . The Doctor didn 't finish with his rounds in the hospital until 11 : 30 . He took about 5 minutes with each family and basically said the same thing he said yesterday : " They need to be in a home / school for children with disabilities . " There aren 't a lot of options here . But Thoko and I are going to start investigating to see what is available for each child . I found out today that the mother of the second child has an appointment at the Catholic school for handicapped children on Dec . 1st . I also found the phone number for the Swaziland School for the Deaf . Both of these options will probably involve removing the child from their family . In addition , I 'm guessing there will be room , board and tuition costs that the children 's families will not be able to pay . It has been a very frustrating couple of days . I woke up this morning with a sore throat and had to sit outside in the cold , damp , drizzly weather for 3 1 / 2 hours waiting for these kids to see the Doctor which ended up to be a huge waste of time . He was no help and the options are not good . I have a real problem taking these kids away from their families ; however , these kids have no future if they stay in their families . ( Not that their future will be much better even if they go to the schools for the handicapped . ) I 'm holding onto Matthew 6 : 34 : " Do not worry about tomorrow , for tomorrow will worry about itself . Each day has enough trouble of its own . " Yesterday didn 't start out so well . I didn 't get enough sleep the night before so I got a little later start than I had planned . So I must admit , I was a bit cranky . Every where I went - to the post office , to the hardware store , to the bank , it seemed like I was faced with the difficulties that come with doing business in Swaziland . This included being almost run off the road a few times by kombies ( vans used as mini - buses / taxi 's ) . I had to pray often to ask the Lord to remind me that my behavior is all that I can control and that I need to react as a Christian not a frustrated American . I thank God that he never lets me down . The day also ended up being a day of driving . First I drove to downtown Manzini to get 5 bags of cement to take up to Lomngeletjane . But when I got to the hardware store I realized I didn 't have enough cash and the charge for the debit card for just a few items is more than if I withdrew the cash from the bank . So I left the hardware store and went to the bank . I thought I was so organized and had tallied up what it would cost to finish the teacher 's house . Yes , I said " FINISH the house ! " Our goal is to have it finished by Nov . 13th . After waiting in a fairly long line to get up to the teller , she told me I couldn 't cash a check for the amount I wanted to without going to my home branch which is in Matsapha . I didn 't respond as Jesus would have . So it was time to take a deep breath , say a prayer and go to plan B : withdraw some cash from the ATM . But guess what ? The ATM machine must have been running low on cash because it wouldn 't let me withdraw the amount I usually do . This is Swaziland . Bank ATMs run out of cash , hospitals run out of oxygen . Oh well . ( Chris , get over it . ) I finally got the cement and headed up to Lomngeletjane . John and a couple of his guys unload it and then I picked up the kitchen sink and geyser ( hot water heater ) that I bought last week and headed to the hardware store in Matsapha to exchange them for the correct ones . ( The hardware store had given us a 100L geyser instead of the 150L geyser , which was on special for the same price and the sink was made to be mounted a different way than we had planned to do . ) So down the hill to Matsapha I go . I was driving right past my bank so I cashed the check and then headed to the hardware store . It took awhile but I got everything exchanged without a hassle , bought a few more bags of cement and headed back up to Lomngeletjane . ( I 'm beginning to think that John eats cement for breakfast , lunch and dinner , it goes so fast ! ) The head teacher and I had a good talk about a couple of kids we are taking to get medical care as part of our Lutsandvo Lwa Krestu project and talked about my plans in the last few remaining weeks before I leave for the holidays . I drove her down the hill to the point she would have changed kombies on her way home . From there I had to drive out to Luve to the High School where Mthokozisi attends . I drove out there on Sunday to deliver some food to them and Mthokozisi asked me about hiring a tractor to plow the field so they could plant maize . I wanted to talk to Thoko first , we agreed on a plan , but I needed to get the money back to him and I wouldn 't have time the rest of the week so I made another trip out there . It takes about 30 to drive there one way . By the time I got back to St . Paul 's , I was tired . In case you haven 't figured it out , banking is extremely difficult and expensive in Swaziland . I do most of my dealings in cash because it is so expensive to use checks . In addition , you can 't just go into a store and write a check . Most places won 't accept them unless you have done a lot of business with them and they know you . I give Bethuel checks to use when he purchases materials because he has done so much business with various places that they usually accept a check from him . You have no idea how lucky we are to have the banking system that we have in the US . It may have problems , but nothing like here . And there aren 't banks in the rural areas . It would be so handy if I could just put some money in an account for Mthokozisi in Luve so he could pull it out as needed for transport or food . But there are not banks in Luve so that isn 't an option . Today I am headed back to the hardware store to buy more cement for John and a couple of small items and then head to the RFM ( hospital / clinic ) to sit with a couple of kids from Lomngeletjane so I can talk to the Doctor about them . Both the the kids have a handicap . I don 't think there is anything we are going to be able to do for them , but the place to start is with the pediatrician to see if there is anything medical that can be done or where he suggests we take the kids . One child has a severe hearing problem and the other appears to have cerebral palsy . If he was in the states , he would receive some speech therapy and some physical therapy and would probably be able to attend regular classes in school . Those services aren 't available here . I am looking for a course of action to help these kids . The pictures below are of John finishing the floor in the living room of the teacher 's house , and then a picture of a finished floor in one of the bedrooms . The last picture is of Mthokozisi and his sisters carrying the food I gave them on Sunday to their house . Just the thought of carrying one of those sacks of maize on my head makes my head , neck and back hurt ! Saturday was a beautiful spring day - sunny , a blue sky with white billowing clouds and not too hot or cold . It was a perfect day in God 's creation . I spent the day at a thanksgiving service for a wonderful pastor that is leaving the circuit . It was good to spend the day with friends and people I have come to consider family . That evening Thini and I went by the hospital to visit Nonjabulo . I was very curious to see how she would be doing because on Friday afternoon they ran out of oxygen . That is the second time I know that has happened . I don 't understand how a hospital can run out of such a basic , life sustaining item . I noticed there was a little one across the hall that was much sicker than the Nonjabulo and the little boy in her room and she had oxygen so I don 't really know if they gave her Nonjabulo 's ' oxygen or if Nonjabulo 's tank had run out and they didn 't have more to replace it with . I was so thankful this didn 't happen the week before or Nonjabulo may not have made it . We were pleasantly surprised to see that Nonjabulo was doing much better ! . She was smiling and when I held her up to " stand " on my lap she actually put a little weight on her feet ! Her grip was much stronger and she was making little baby pre - talking noises . She was so happy to see her gogo . Thini had been sick for a few days last week and didn 't go to see her . Thini has that loving gogo quality that I think would make anyone smile , let alone her granddaughter . We left so happy singing praises to God for Nonjabulo 's improvement . Once again , I would have loved to take a picture of her smiling face , but I just couldn 't bring my camera out and invade the other 's privacy . Maybe one day I will . My prayer request is for my car . I know that seems odd . But I 'm beginning to wonder if it will last me another year , let alone any longer should I stay past next year . Without my car , there 's little I can really do . I do a lot of driving on a lot of really rough roads . I think the suspension is shot . The knocking noise it makes as I go over the holePosted by Four - classroom block for 5th - 7th grades at Lomngeletjane : $ 41 , 500 School fees for Orphaned or Vulnerable child : $ 40 - $ 150 per year . School Uniforms : girls : $ 12 ; boys : $ 18 ; winter uniform for boys & girls : $ 25 ; shoes : $ 13 ; socks / underwear : $ . 90 / pair Finish Mahlatsini church so it can be used as a carepoint : $ 8 , 100 If you wish to support this ministry or one of the above projects , please send a check made payable to " One Child At A Time " to PO Box 1046 , Round Rock , TX 78680 . Please note that One Child At A Time , One Heart At A Time is a registered nonprofit in the State of Texas . IRS tax exemption is pending the approval of our application . If you would like your donation to go to a specific project indicate on your check or in a note which project you wish to support . Related links |
Posted on August 28 , 2013 by Who I am 2 Walking down the dirty streets , hands in pockets . Kicking a few pebbles to see how far they could go . Paid his debt to the run - down rooming house he had taken up space in the night before . He 'd been transferred home due to a medical injury . A back injury . An actual stupid mistake . Tripped over his own two feet ; coming down hard and twisting the wrong direction . He could still walk but the column in his back was like a bomb getting ready to explode . The wrong direction , and bam , paralysis could be a new word in his vocabulary . From the diagnosis , he was packed and titled useless , and sent home . Jim had run a way from home once before now being forced to return to his roots . But what roots were there to return to ? He had been a kid when he left . He got a girl knocked up and got scared . His parents said , " marry her " but he didn 't want to . He wasn 't ready to get married , so he ran . He enlisted , he planned to wipe out those bad things he had done and replace them with heroism . For years he hadn 't given a thought to his past . Now with money in his pocket and nowhere to go he wondered the streets . Walking past his folks home he stopped . Looking at an x - ray of what once was years ago . He hadn 't stayed in touch with his parents . He didn 't have any real reason . He just wanted to put it all to rest . Pretend it had never existed . The shame he carried of what he had done to that girl 's life haunted him now as he saw himself walking out the front door and heading down the street to see his girl . He picked up his stride and ended up leaning against the same oak tree that he had first kissed her . That kiss had melted him like warm , gooey , hot fudge running down ice - cream . He smiled to himself as he thought back to that moment . He wondered whether she still lived around here . Was she married , what happened to the kid ? He mentally kicked himself . What a coward he had been . He should have married her just like his parents said to do . At least he would have known the ending . A tear fell from his eye as he thought of the kid and wondered boy or girl . What did they look like today . He stood upright and started to leave when a young girl came running out of that house . Long blonde pig tails , slender , a big smile on her face . Could that be her ? Did his girl still live here ? He watched her as she skipped down the sidewalk . Where ever she was headed she was happy to be going . When he couldn 't see her anymore he took off walking again . He walked back towards town . He went into the same doors that he had bought her hamburgers and malts . He sat down in the same booth they had once shared . He stared out the window as he waited for the waitress to come take his order . Emotional pain was running through his veins . Being shoved back into the past hurt more today than the day he looked around and whispered goodbye to his home town . A voice said , " do you need a menu ? " He turned towards the voice and looked into the eyes that he once knew so well . Silence was thick as they each had recognition of each other . Taking her waitress cap off and tucking her pencil and pad into her apron she sat down beside him . Posted on July 7 , 2013 by Who I am 6 " I can 't believe you just said that to me . Go a way . Leave me alone . I never want to see you again . " Rose wept into her hands . Her legs were wobbling and she knew she was about to collapse to the ground . She didn 't want Jason to see her in that position . Crying in front of him was humiliating enough . Jason ignored her pleas and came over to her and put his arm around her . As his arm touched her shoulder Rose 's body jolted and her hand came up slapping him across the face . " I said , leave me alone . You are nothing but scum . I trusted you . How could you do this to me ? " " Oh God , it 's no big deal . People do it all the time . You don 't see any of your other friends acting totally insane like you do you ? " " What ? What are you saying ? I am not like other people . I am Rose and no one else . I am not trying to win population votes here . I loved you Jason . You said I was the only one and now I find out through gossip that you were with another last night . " " So , it is no big deal . That other girl means nothing to me . In fact , if you want to know the truth , she sort of forced herself on me . I think she slipped something in my drink last night . You know I would never hurt you intentionally don 't you ? " Once again he walked closer to her and took his arms and placed them around her waist . Rose looked up into his icy - blue eyes . She saw no regrets . Mirrors of laughter reflected back at her . Mocking and laughing at her for being so foolish and the biggest fool . She gathered up all of her strength and drew her knee up landing him good right in the male parts . This knocked him down to the ground . He rolled from side to side in pain . Next he came back to his senses and stood up brushing dirt off of his pants . " No one gets a way with trying to hurt me . Rose , you will pay for this . You will pay for this good . I will ruin you . I will destroy what little reputation you have . You will regret ever kneeing me . You will see . " " No Jason , I will be the one ruining your precious reputation . For if I find out that I am pregnant I will tell everyone what you did to me . I will call the police and have you arrested for rape . I will tell your parents . If I am pregnant , you will pay dearly for the rest of your life . No , it will me that destroys you . Don 't you ever forget it . " He turned around and walked a way , shaking his head at her rude comments . Who did she think she was threatening him like this . He was the Captain of the Basketball team . He was on the honor roll . His parents owned two businesses in town . She was such a loser . Rose walked a way never looking back in his direction . She couldn 't believe she had bought that crap that he loved her . She had been saving herself for the right person . He had told her everything she had ever want to hear . They had spent the entire school year together every minute . To know that he was screwing around on her behind her back was the worst thing that had ever happened to her . She went through the front door and up the stairs to her bedroom . She threw her clothes off and started the shower . Getting in the hottest water her body could handle she scrubbed until her skin was bright red . She wanted nothing more than to start her life all over . To wash any memories of where he had touched her . As she stood in the steamy shower she hoped and prayed this didn 't lead to anything worse than the fight they had just had . Posted on May 25 , 2013 by Who I am 1 Henry walked into the drug store . He bought the supplies needed and paid for them . Driving back home he was thinking about his wife . He would check on her first thing and then patch the wall . When he walked into their bedroom , she wasn 't lying there . He went to the bathroom and there she was soaking . She looked so cute all covered with bubbles . He leaned down and kissed her on the nose . She smiled up at him . " Thanks for rescuing me Henry . I don 't know what is wrong with that guy . He better get it fixed though . " Neither of them said anything . Henry left her to finish and went to patch the wall . Soon Jane walked in and the two inspected his work . " Looks real good Henry . I can 't even see where the hole was . You did a good job . " He gave her a squeeze and she pulled back a little . There was still some evidence of the fight left behind . He led her to the bed and they laid down . He took her in his arms and held her . His body heat felt good next to her and she turned in his direction . He kissed her nose lightly . She returned it by kissing him on the lips . Parting her lips she let him explore farther and soon the two forgot about the fight and the wall . Afterwards they lay there both in their own thoughts . Henry sat up and lit a cigarette . He offered her one but she refused . " I am not going to smoke anymore Henry . I have to do what 's best for the baby . " She patted her belly and placed his hand over her hand . " A wonderful thing happened when I was in the tub . I felt the baby kick . " Henry put his cigarette out and bent down and put his ear to her stomach . He listened but heard nothing . He didn 't feel anything . " It doesn 't do it all the time silly . I just felt it once myself . " " Um , my dear Henry , I hate to tell you but I had something to do with this too . It is very well that this tiny baby could look just like me . Or better yet , maybe it will look like the both of us . " Henry started laughing and said , " Well , maybe it will have your eyes and my fine wavy hair . " The two of them broke out in laughter and then they got up and started to redress . They walked out into the kitchen and saw him Mom sitting at the kitchen table . She was having herself a cup of coffee . " Mom , you alright ? Do you hurt anywhere ? " Carol replied , " No , I am alright , but if that son - of - a bitch comes back in this house I will call the cops . " " No not really . Henry saved me from getting hurt . I don 't know what I would do without him . He is just the best man all around . " " Well he is lucky . Lucky that I didn 't have a whack at him . " They all had a good laugh over that as they realized Carol couldn 't really hurt him unless she got a hold of her iron skillet first . Henry looked at his watch and saw he only had an hour before he had to be at work . He stood up leaving the women to sit and chat and went in to take a bath . Carol and Jane sat in silence at the table . Neither of them seemed comfortable in each others presence . After a few moments Carol spoke . " You know Jane , we never ever had any trouble like this before . I don 't know what kind of friends you have , but I suggest you keep them a way from my house . I don 't allow stuff like that to go on here . We are a nice family and I don 't want any cops around this place . " Silence once again fell and Jane got up and walked back to her room . Henry was finishing getting dressed and he glanced her way . She walked past him and laid down on the bed . She was tired . She just wanted to sleep . With Henry going to work , she all of a sudden felt real lonely . Henry was too busy trying to get out the door and not be late for work . He bent down and gave her a quick kiss , and when he walked out of the door , she never felt more alone . She turned over and wept into her pillow thinking back to what Carol had said . Posted on December 17 , 2012 by Who I am 22 Henry and Jane got in his car and drove the distance to his parents . It was awful quiet inside the car as each were deep in thought about how this was going to go . Henry 's parents were hard . They didn 't give a shit about other people . They were always wrapped up in what there was to gain for themselves . The car engine shut off and the two glanced at each other . Henry reached over and patted her hand . " Come on , let 's go in and get this over . What 's the worst they can do , yell " . He smiled at her with those big blue eyes , and she put a tiny curve at the edge of her lips . They both got out of the car and walked in the front door . The neighbor was visiting and Henry and Jane walked past them and straight to the kitchen . Henry opened the refrigerator and grabbed a soda and popped the tap off . He took a big swig and then handed it to Jane . She wasn 't thirsty as much as she was nervous , so she took a sip and then handed it back to him . George came out to the kitchen and asked , " What you two up to ? Surprised to see you here . Something wrong or are you just stopping by to raid the ice - box " ? Henry gazed at Jane and then turned to look at his dad . " We got to talk dad . We got something important to tell you " . George looked at him while grabbing himself a beer out of the fridge . He walked past them without saying anything and went back to the living room where the two gabby ladies were sitting . " Henry says he needs to tell us something real important Carol . You might want to put a lid on this conversation so we can hear what he 's got to say " . Carol looked a little embarrassed at her friend , but suggested they put a hold on this talk and save it for tomorrow . She walked her to the door and then came back and sat down in her favorite chair . She said , " What 's this all about ? You better not have done anything . Are you in trouble with the law Jane " ? Jane walked in the living room and sat as far opposite from Carol as she could get . Henry sat in front of her on the floor . " Nah mom , Jane hasn 't done anything against the law , and neither did I . Calm down mom . You don 't want to cause your heart to flutter " . " Then what is it Henry " ? George said . " Spit it out , we have to get ready here soon . There is a square dance tonight that we want to go to " . Henry coughed and then said , " I asked Jane here to marry me tonight . She said yes and you and mom are going to be grandparents " . Carol 's head fell back against her chair and she was fanning her face with her hankie . Her face was becoming pale . George was watching his wife and then looking at the two of them he said , " When ya getting married ? Where you two going to live ? Henry , your job isn 't going to pay enough to take care of you , let alone a woman and a kid . You best be planning on just moving in here in the spare bedroom " . Carol was still remaining quiet . Inside she was thinking , this is so embarrassing . What are my friends going to say . How am I going to show my face to the neighbors . Girl knocked up and not even dry behind the ears . I guess I better take a look at those drawers in the bedroom to see if there is going to be enough space for her things . Henry said , " We are going to get married in two weeks . This will give me enough time to find a better job and get a pay check before we make this thing right " . George nodded his head in agreement then said , " Your mom and I will move all the things that are not needed out of the spare bedroom and put it in your bedroom Henry . Your room is smaller than the spare , so this will be your new room " . Jane was sitting in a half - dazed moment . Live here with his parents ? Live here , in the same house as them ? Oh no , I am not going to do this . We can just stay at my house . Anything would be better than living with this woman . He wasn 't bad but her ? no way am I going to be in the same house living with her . With Henry 's drink being emptied he stood up and tossed it in the waste basket . He looked down at Jane and asked , " You ready to go ? They got plans , let 's hit the road " . Jane got up quickly and smiled at each of Henry 's parents and the two exited the house . " It went pretty well don 't you think " ? Henry asked as they walked back to the car . Jane exploded right there in the drive - way . " You can 't expect me to live here with your parents can you ? I don 't even get along with your mom ! She has issues ! She is bossy and is going to just make me her personal slave while I stay here ! Henry , you didn 't even ask me first if this would be alright " ! Henry got in the car without remarking to her . He started the car and pulled out a cigarette of his pocket and lit up . He took a deep drag of it and waited for her to get in the car . Jane stood outside pouting . When she didn 't get any response from him , she opened the door and got in . He started the car and then they went to the one drive - inn and parked the car . The waitress skated up to them and asked what they were going to have . Henry said with no hesitation , " Um , bring me a couple of burgers loaded , a cheeseburger , and a large fry . Bring me a large chocolate malt too with an extra glass " . The waitress wrote down the order and skated off . Posted on December 11 , 2012 by Who I am 19 Henry 's cutting up stopped abruptly as the words Jane spoke sank in his mind . " Pregnant ? pregnant ? How in the world did you get pregnant ? Who have you been sleeping with " ? Jane burst into tears as she reached over and slapped Henry on the shoulder . " You dummy ! You are the one I been sleeping with ! How could you ask something like that ? You know there hasn 't been anyone besides you " ! Henry brushed his shoulder off and then took his arm and pulled her over to him . " I 'm sorry baby . I guess I was just taken aback when you told me . I thought we used good protection " . Jane raised her head up to him ; her eyes locked on his . " What protection did we ever use ? Are you sure it isn 't you that is cheating ? You know we haven 't used any kind He took his toothpick out of his shirt pocket and began to chew on it ; trying to think of a way around this . Jane tugged on his shirt until he was forced to look at her again . Through teary eyes she asked , " What are we going to do Henry ? What are we going to do with this baby ? Do you still love me ? You are going to stick around aren 't you ? You aren 't going to go and run off are you " ? Henry wasn 't going to run off and he told her so . He also realized that he didn 't make the kind of money it was going to take to raise a kid . He looked at her and said , " The first thing we need to do is get in there and tell your mom and dad , then go tell my parents " . Both sat in silence letting this thought roll around in their heads . With a smudge of fear in Jane 's voice she asked , " Do you really think that is a good idea involving the parents ? What are they going to say ? What if they kick me out or turn their backs on us " ? Henry chewed on his toothpick again and hesitated before answering then said , " We have to tell them . We have to get that out - of - the - way first . We need to know if they are going to be behind us or against us " . Jane nodded in agreement , but was not looking forward to any of this . They both opened their car doors and got out and grabbing onto each others hands , they walked up to the front door . When Jane walked in she saw her parents watching television . Henry followed her to the couch and the two sat down . Her parents looked at her odd , because they were interrupting their television program . Silence hit the room like a brick . All that could be heard was the sounds from the box they were watching . " What 's up with you two " ? Dave asked . " We 're watching this program . If you got something to say , spit it out " . Debbie looked over at the two and became a little nervous . She thought , this must be something bad . These two never come in and talk to us . I don 't know if I want to stay here and hear what they have to say . With this thought Carol stood up to go out into the kitchen but Jane stopped her by saying , " Wait mom , come back and sit down . Henry and me , well us two have something to tell you and you probably aren 't going to like it " . Debbie sat back down and began started playing with her fingers nervously . " Now what the hell is going on " ? Dave asked . " You march in here and you sit right here so we can 't watch our program and then you say you need to tell us something . Spit it out girl ! Quit beating around the bush " ! Jane held Henry 's hand a little tighter . She looked at Henry and then at her parents . She started to say something when Henry spoke up . " Dave , Debbie , I want to marry your daughter . We are in love and we want to get married " . The two parents looked at each other and then started to laugh . " Well why the hell didn 't you just tell us when you first sat down ? You get us all worried something bad has happened and here you just want to marry our kid " . Dave stood up and walked over to Henry and patted him on the back . Debbie went to her daughter and told her congratulations . Everyone smiled but Jane . She was thinking , What the hell just happened ? Did he just tell my parents he loved me ? Did he just let them know he wanted to marry me ? Jane looked over at the three of them . None of this was sinking in . My parents are happy about all this . They don 't care if we get married . They don 't even know about the baby yet , and they are still happy ? Then it sunk in . She was pregnant . He was going to marry me . He is not leaving me here hanging ! She walked over to Henry and gave him a big hug , and then her dad asked , " When you two getting hitched " ? Jane and Henry glanced at each other and then Henry said calmly , " Soon , very soon . We need to run over to my house and tell my parents and then we will decide on a date . It won 't be any big deal . We can get married at the Justice of the Peace . So we will just pick a day and then let you know " . With this all being said , Jane and Henry walked into the kitchen with big smiles on their faces . Jane made each of them a sandwich and while they were eating Jane lowered her voice and said , " Do you really mean what you said in there ? You want to marry me ? Does this mean we are going to raise this kid together " ? Henry looked into her eyes while he took another bite . " Of course baby . You know I love you . I just have to get a better paying job and then we will be alright " . With that being said they finished their sandwich and then went back to the living room and Jane told her parents that they would be back . They were going over to his mom and dads now . Dave nodded letting her know he heard her , and then went back to watching his favorite show . Posted on December 6 , 2012 by Who I am 11 Jane and Laurie waited until the waitress took their order . Laurie then bent her head closer to her friend and asked , " What are you going to do ? I can 't believe the test results came back that you are pregnant " ! Jane sucked in her breath . She didn 't want Laurie to know that she was scared . She didn 't want to break down crying in front of strangers . Her eyes began to water as she replied , " I don 't know what I am going to do . My parents are going to kill me . They are never going to understand that I didn 't mean for this to happen . Should I tell Henry " ? Both girls sat in silence trying to sort out the correct answer . Laurie was the first to speak . " You have to tell Henry of course ! He is the father isn 't he ? You weren 't with any other guys were you " ? Jane 's eyes got big as she almost shouted , " Oh for heaven sakes Laurie , you know Henry has been the only one . He was always the only one . How could you ask such a stupid question " ? Silence fell around the table as the waitress brought their fries and drinks . They shared a big platter of fries , and ordered an extra - large strawberry shake with an extra glass . Laurie divided the shake into the two glasses and said , " Don 't be mad Jane . I had to ask . Are you going to tell him " ? Jane sighed and said , " I guess I will have to . What choice do I have ? Besides , he will have to help give me money won 't he ? He will want the baby because he loves me , right " ? Laurie looked at Jane 's face and wish she knew the answer . Instead , she tried to build up hope by smiling and saying , " Of course he will want the baby . Henry loves you . Never doubt that " . With that confirmation , both girls dug into the fries , each thinking their own thoughts about how this was going to turn out in the end . They changed the subject and talked about what they were going to do the rest of the day . Summer was almost over and Laurie brought up school starting next month . Both girls looked at each other and the question was answered before it was spoken . Jane sadly said , " You will be going to school , and I will be stuck at home with my parents . I can 't go back to school ! What will everyone say once I begin to to look like a cow " ? Her eyes began to well up , and Laurie got up and went over and sat down beside her friend . She put her arm around Jane 's shoulder and said , " Everything is going to be alright . It will all work out , you will see " . Jane didn 't feel confident in hearing this , as Laurie 's voice wasn 't steady as she spoke . The girls paid and left the restaurant . They walked as far as they could together , then split directions , promising to call later that night . Laurie found some friends on her way home and she stopped to see what they had been up to . She was invited to one of her friends for supper , so she didn 't get home until late . When she walked in , her mother was furious and worried . Laurie 's mom , Chris started yelling as soon as Laurie walked in the door . " Where in the world have you been young lady ? I have been worried sick ! Tell me right now " ! Laurie said , " One of my friends was sick so I went with her to the doctor , and on the way home I ran into another friend who invited me for supper . Mom , I am sorry . I just totally forgot to call . I love you mom . Can you forgive me " ? Chris let her defenses down a little . She was relieved that her girl was home . She walked over to Laurie and said , " I can understand you forgetting Chris , but I was worried . Please make sure you call the next time . Don 't worry me like that " . She leaned down and gave her daughter a kiss on the forehead , and Laurie smiled up at her mom . Jane had run into Henry on her way home . He was driving by and saw her . He pulled up to the curb , and patting the seat beside him yelled , " Hey Jane , come on get in ! Where you going ? Can I drop you off at home " ? Jane slowly walked to the car and opening the door got in . She looked at Henry and tears started to form in her eyes . Henry casually said , " Hey , what 's the matter ? You and your mom get in a fight ? Are you running a way " ? He started laughing after he had said the remark , but she wasn 't joining in . He slowed down and turned into her drive way . He turned the key off and turned towards her . He looked into her face and said more gently , " Come on , you know you can tell me anything " . Jane started to cry and she buried her head in her hands . She sobbed for a few minutes and Henry looked out his window giving her time to get herself together . Jane quit crying enough to begin to speak . " Henry , do you love me ? I mean , do you really love me ? Would you stick with me no matter what happens in life " ? Henry replied with a little caution in his voice , " Come on doll , you know I love you . Haven 't I been telling you the past couple of months how much I love you ? Come over here and give me a little sugar " . Jane was not scooting near him . She could not move out of fear of what he was going to say when she told him the bad news . Instead , she gazed in his eyes , wanting to remember what he looked like forever , in case he flipped out . She felt like someone was pushing her hands to the door handle . She wanted to reach for it and get out and run for the rest of her life . Her mouth opened though , and she was looking him straight in the face , eyes glued to his . " Would you still love me if you knew I was pregnant " ? Posted on December 3 , 2012 by Who I am 14 STILLNESSHe was young when he met her . Their eyes met , and it was love at first sight . They spent every moment available to them being together , holding , touching , kissing , going as far as they dare go . No one said a word to let them know they were treading dangerous grounds . No one warned them to keep a distance . All summer long they went swimming , picnicing , exploring what life had to offer and each other . At years end the enivetible thing happened . She became pregnant . The fear rose in her voice as she stuttered the news to him . What were they going to do ? What would they say ? Now the parents stepped up . Shaming them , telling them how bad they were . Both were kicked out of the comfort of their homes . Forced to try to figure out how to survive . He got a dime store job that paid little . She went on the system to help her eat . They lived in an ally apartment . He was scared . Sorry he had ever done this to himself , not thinking of her . One day while she was at the doctor , he packed his few belongings and snuck off leaving her with nothing , the same as he gave her when he entered her life . She came home to tell him the baby would arrive within the next 24 hours . She heard silence , saw nothing . She knew he was gone . During the night , the pain was horrific . She got her coat on and went out into the darkness . She tried to walk to the neighbors house to ask for help . Please help me with this pain ……… . She never made it . She gave birth right there on the grass under the huge oak tree . The cord was wrapped , the color was blue , there was no sound . Silence and chill stayed with her forever more ………… terry shepherd The two eyes locked on to each other . It was a sexual lust , needing to be acted upon . Each time their eyes met , the feelings would return . Donna and Ted could hold out no longer and with agreement written all over their foreheads , they walked to his car . They didn 't care that they were out in public . The windows became steamed as he tore at her clothes , lifting her dress . He explored her secret garden . He took her hand and placed it to where his own excitement was growing . Within minutes , the act had been performed and ended . At every opportunity , this random act of desire was played out . Parents didn 't seem to care . No one asked what each of them did with their summertime hours . The two found themselves sharing the waters , having picnics on blankets , and being in each others arms . The time did arrive that a change was noticed . Vomiting in the mornings , swollen breasts , and a visit to the family doctor , did prove that she was pregnant . The hardest thing to do now was to explain to their parents what they had been doing all summer . Donna said to her parents , " Mom , dad , I am pregnant . I didn 't mean it to happen . I swear it was an accident " ! Her parents ridiculed her with words being said , " How could you be so stupid ? You knew better to let this happen . We aren 't going to have someone like you living here in our house . Now get your clothes and get out " ! When Ted went to his parents and told them , their reply was , " Stupid , just plain stupid ! You made your bed , now you lie in it . Don 't expect us to bail you out of this . You better get yourself a job and a place to live . Now get out of our faces " ! Donna had Ted drive her to the welfare department . She walked in with her head hanging low . She was embarrassed and ashamed . She had no choice , she had to go on the system , in order to survive . Ted found himself a job . It was a low paying job that would give nothing more than basic needs . Through the help of friends , they were able to move into a small apartment . Not only was it tiny , the entry door was in the back of a dark alley . They needed no furnishings but what they could carry with them . The box apartment was furnished with basic furniture . The two lived under the same roof , but the excitement of what they had shared the past two months had vanished . Ted went to work , Donna stayed home . She had no education and with being pregnant , the options were almost zero for her obtaining work . They lived with the routine of work , home , eat and sleep for several months . Donna kept her appointments with her baby doctor , and then the time came for the baby to be born . She raced home to tell Ted that the baby could be born within the next day or two . When she opened the door , she walked into silence . She called out his name , but only heard echos bouncing from the walls . She walked into his bedroom , seeing nothing . She began to cry . Her gut told her something was wrong . She stood there looking around . Where was he ? I can 't do this alone ? Please don 't leave at a time like this . Suddenly , an idea sparked and she walked over to the closet , and found her proof . The clothes that had hung there were gone . His dresser drawers were empty . She walked over to their bed and threw herself on it . Tears began to fall and soon sobbing could be heard . All of the emotions she was feeling , caused pains to begin in her stomach . She sat up and felt her tummy . It was hard and it hurt . She began to shiver from fear . She could not do this . She wished that she would have never met Ted . She wished that she would never have climbed into the back seat of his car . The pains became severe quickly . What am I going to do ? Who is going to help me ? I am so scared . I want my mommy . These thoughts raced around inside of her head , until she had a very sharp pain . She stood up and her water broke . She was not familiar with this and she grabbed her coat and walked out into the darkness of the alley to find help . She looked around and recognized no neighbors . She needed help , so she began to walk . Within moments the biggest pain she had felt , forced her to the ground . With no love or support , her baby was born . She heard nothing . There were no cries coming from the newborn . She sat up and looked between her legs , and saw the blue face of the child . A cord was wrapped around the precious baby 's neck . The little girls eyes were closed . There was no movement in the lungs . She reached down and touched the baby . All around her was silence . Quietness took over her mind and the baby 's tiny soul . She laid back down and wept . She was weeping for the loss of her summer , Ted , and having no home , and now this , the death of her baby girl . Her life was over , there was nothing left for her . She laid there for what seemed hours , and then a soft blanket wrapped gently around her , and a warm hand comforted her . Soft words were spoken , and Donna saw a glimmer of light . i take care of my brother who has Parkinson 's , heart disease , and is mentally challenged . I write poetry and short fictional stories also . stop by and make yourself comfy . Copyright © Terry Shepherd and terry1954 , 2015 - 2017 . Unauthorized use and / or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog 's author and / or owner is strictly prohibited . Excerpts and links may be used , provided that full and clear credit is given to Terry Shepherd and terry1954 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! 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The world is so different . Like all people who are getting older I seem to remember a much simpler world than the one my children and grandchildren have experienced . Some things are definitely changed for the good but there are some things that make me shake my head with dismay . I am certainly in favor of things like air conditioners and indoor plumbing for instance . All the hatred in the world can be done without . I am sure that I just did not experience the hatred so maybe it was just the cocoon I was raised in that sheltered me from it . There were no computer printers that make as many copies of whatever as one wishes . For a test at school the teacher had to use special mimeograph paper to type it up . Then she would fill the mimeograph machine with its special ink and place her typed copy on a cylinder . She would turn the crank that turned the cylinder to make the copies she needed of the test . Eventually they were powered by electricity so the cranking was not needed . Howdy Doody . We could not get The Howdy Doody Show in the town where I lived but we always watched it when we went to my grandparents ' farm . The characters on that show are the stuff of history . Besides Howdy Doody and Buffalo Bob there was Clarabell the clown who was played by Bob Keeshan who went on to become Captain Kangaroo . Other characters were Mayor Phineas T . Bluster , Heidi Doody ( Howdy 's sister ) , Dilly Dally , Inspector John J . Fadoozle America 's number 1 private eye , Captain Windy Scuttlebut , Sandra the Witch , and the curious Flub - A - Dub . ( Deep breath ) J Cornelius Cobb , The Featherman , Sir Archibald the Explorer , Chief Thunderthud father of Princess Summerfallwinterspring . And they all lived happily in Doodyville . Grocery stores and gas stations gave Green Stamps with each purchase . You put them in the special Green Stamp book and when you had enough you could redeem them for all sorts of merchandise . . . FREE . Gym shoes were reserved to wear on the indoor gym floors . Outside shoes were made of leather . When patent leather was made girls had to be extremely careful because they were so shiny and boys might see the reflection of panties in the shoes . Gasp . Beatniks ( who I only saw on television ) were all emaciated and dressed in black . The men had scraggly beards and none of them ever smiled . They frequented dreary coffee houses and wrote and recited depressing poetry . Hoola hoops were a huge craze . They were made by making a circle out of rubber tubing held in shape by inserting a piece of cork into both ends and stapling it in place . We then put them around our waists and twirled them for hours . They make a comeback about every ten years . Driving along the highway you were almost certain to spot the Burma Shave signs . They were a series of signs that when read in order made a funny quote . The last sign simply said Burma Shave . Frisbees were another craze . They are plastic discs that float on the air when tossed to someone else . My mother told me they used to use the lids from cans of food in the same way after they made sure the edges were dulled . Bell bottom pants were modeled after sailors ' bell bottoms . The legs flared out just above the ankle . Some had bigger bells than others . Hip huggers were pants that had a very low waist meaning they fastened about 2 or 3 inches below your waist . Hip hugger bells were about as " hip " as you could get . The starter for cars was located on the floor right next to the clutch . You had to do a contortionist 's move to reach all the pedals necessary to start the car . There was a throttle on the steering column in case you needed a bit more gas to help start it . To dim or brighten the headlights also required a button on the floor . But a lot of people put a knob on the steering wheel . It was called many things but suicide knob and " necker 's " knob were probably the most well known . All movies and TV programs were shown in black - and - white . That is because they were filmed that way . When they began to show movies in glorious color TV decided to follow suit . That meant that everyone had to buy a new television to accommodate the technology . That meant no more of those silly plastic covers that were green on the bottom , clear in the middle , and blue at the top to give the illusion of color to a television program . Photographs were also black - and - white . It is hard to remember how difficult it was to take a picture yourself . The lighting had to be just so and no shadows allowed . Royal Crown Cola had special bottle caps . After you opened the pop you peeled the cork ( all bottle caps had a cork lining ) from the inside . After you drank the pop you rinsed the bottle thoroughly and filled it with water . You had a handy way to sprinkle your clothes for ironing . Speaking of laundry we used those old wringer washers . You filled them with water and put in the detergent . After washing the first load you would turn off the agitator and send the clothes one by one through the wringer . I was always thankful that we had an electric operated wringer instead of using a hand operated wringer . From the wringer the clothes dropped into a tub of rinse water . You would then refill the machine with another load of clothes to wash as you rinsed the clothes and put them through the wringer into another tub of water just to make sure you had all the detergent out . Another time of putting them through the wringer into a basket . Then you hung them on the line to dry . A sunny breezy ( but not windy ) day was best . You would repeat this process until all the laundry was done . When the clothes on the line were dry you took them down to make room for the next load . Anything that needed to be ironed would be lightly sprinkled with water and carefully rolled up . Steam irons were not in common use so the moisture from the water made it easier to iron the clothes the next day . Soda pop was sold in vending machines but they were certainly different . They sat flat like a chest freezer . The glass bottles were lined up with the caps at the top . You would insert your money then slide the bottle along by its cap until it reached the opening that allowed it to lift out of the machine . To open the bottle ( no twist - off caps ) there was an apparatus on the side of the machine with a little bin below it to catch the caps . In the summer it got hot . Most homes did not have an air conditioner . Many did not have fans except for those little round oscillating things . And usually only one of those . To keep cool we spent a lot of time sitting under a big shade tree hoping for a bit of a breeze . Maybe we would slip away with a stick and bit of fishing line with a hook and sinker to fish . It was more to dangle our feet in the water than the hope of catching any fish . If we had running water my father might wait until very late in the afternoon to spray the outside of the house with cold water . You would not believe how much that helped . How many of these things do you remember ? Candy cigarettes , wax lips or mustaches , wax pop bottles with flavored water inside , penny candy , 5 cent packages of baseball cards with a piece of very hard bubble gum inside , Blackjack , Clove , and Teaberry gum , 15cent burgers and 10 cent fries at McDonalds , Cracker Jack with GOOD prizes in them , or turning the crank to make homemade ice cream . Man am I old ! I did not even know that this beautiful little girl existed until she was almost 2 years old . I missed all those little firsts and that makes me so sad . But I have her now and for that I am a happy Grandma . One day my 2nd son answered the knock at his door . A former girlfriend stood there with a little girl in her arms . She said , " Say hello to your daddy . " She was very pretty . She had blonde hair like her daddy . But she had curls that he never had . She looked a lot like my oldest sister - in - law . My daughter - in - law said that I say that about all the babies . I might . My sister - in - law was a very attractive woman . When my son came home he stayed with his sister and her family for a while as a condition of his parole . The first thing he wanted was to have his children . So they came to stay with him . My granddaughter has her father 's temperament . And she is mischievous . As are all my grandchildren she is extremely smart . Like her father sometimes she is too smart for her own good . She did not like to listen or mind . She could get around most people so she pretty much would get her own way . To put it bluntly she was a loveable handful . When her father had to back to jail at least we knew how to reach her mother . We were able to have her stay with us often and we had her at family and holiday celebrations . I was getting ready to make waffles for breakfast . My granddaughter is a fussy eater just like all my kids . She decided she did not like waffles . As I asked her what kinds of things she would eat she gave me a very short list . Then she said , " Waffles . . . not so much . " She ate waffles . And nosy ! I had her and her little brother for the weekend . We were on our way to the park . They were properly buckled up in the back seat . Suddenly I noticed in the mirror that she was busily going through my things . I asked her if she was finding what she was looking for . She hurriedly placed her hands in her lap and faked an innocent look on her face . I think she just wanted to see what interested me . Soon she began to sing . At the time there was a commercial on TV where they sang " F R E E That spells free Credit Report dot com that 's me . " She sang the first line and I chimed in with the second . She was absolutely delighted . For months after that every time she would see me she sang the first line and I answered with the second . She is also very stubborn . I am afraid she gets that from me . She was used to getting her own way because she would not give up . Then she spent some time with her aunt . My daughter is stubborn too . She loves having the kids from the family come to spend time with her family . So she had my granddaughter for several days . My granddaughter decided to pull her stubborn bit . My daughter just laughed at her and said , " You will never be more stubborn than me . You can 't win this one . " It took a little time but my granddaughter settled down . She and her aunt have become very close . Once when I had my granddaughter and grandson for the day we stopped for lunch on the way to where we were going . Two fussy eaters . I told them they could order whatever they wished . There did not seem to be anythinbg on the menu that they liked so I finally ordered for them . When the food came my grandson obediently began to eat . My granddaughter however was having none of it . She dawdled and pouted . I told her that she needed to eat so we could be on our way . Nope . No deal . So I leaned over the table and looked her straight in the eye and said , " You know how your aunt is more stubborn than you and you have to do as she says ? Well I am her mother . I am more stubborn than she is and she does what I say . " Then I smiled a moderately evil smile . She got a shocked look on her face then ate all the food on her plate . My granddaughter is growing into a lovely young woman . She is starting middle school this year . She looks more and more like her mother but at the same time she looks a great deal like my daughter . Not a bad combination at all . She is still extremely intelligent ( like all my grandchildren ) and very pretty ( they all are ) . She is still stubborn but she is learning when to dig in and when to give in . I like that . I have another set of stories from my son . They are in his words but I may add a comment here or there . If I do I will let you know it is mine and not my son 's . There are a few parts to this story so I 'll start with the main part . I was at my house around 8 p . m . when someone knocked on my door . I got up , answered it and there were 3 guys there and one of them put a gun to my head . We went back into the living room and they told me and the girl bedroom and started searching it and the other one started kicking my in the head . He was jumping on my head trying to knock me out . It wasn 't working because my adrenalin was pumping and I couldn 't even feel it . He finally got tired and stopped . I turned my head to see what they were boot . I grabbed it and started to get up . As I did , the other guy came out of my bedroom and started shooting at me . I shot back , I shot at his head but missed because I was still trying to get up . I fired two more shots and hit him in the chest . After that , my gun jammed , cheap bullets . I heard his shots going past me but I didn 't think I got hit ; I never felt a thing . Everything was in slow motion . The guy I hit was falling as I was getting up . I all of a sudden turned when I was completely up and the guy that was watching me had his gun right between my eyes , about an inch away . I thought I was done right then . When he didn 't fire , I looked up and saw he was in shock . I tackled him and we both went flying through the living room and all the way through to the far end of the kitchen . We both fell on the ground and both guns went flying . He got up and started running and I tried to get up but for some reason I couldn 't get my legs working . They finally started working and I got up . I ran to the living room and everyone was gone , even the girl that was at my house . The first thing I thought was they took her . I ran out the door onto the front porch and saw them leaving in a car , still pulling the guy I shot in the back seat with the door still open and him halfway out of the car . The 3rd guy wasn 't with them , he just was at the wrong place , wrong time . My neighbor called the cops , he said he saw them leaving and thought I was dead so he called the cops . He looked at me and said , you 've been shot . I said , " No I 'm not . " He said , " Look at your leg . " I looked down and blood was running down my leg . The cops got there and took me to the hospital . At the hospital , they found out I got shot in both legs . I still have the bullets in me because they say it will cause more damage trying to take them out . That night , the cops searched my house and took some stuff out of it . I got out of the hospital about 2 a . m . and was back home . The people at the hospital told me the girl that was at my house was just there , they said she got shot in the but and she was ok . The cops wanted me to come do a line up and me and my lawyer went to the precinct and looked at pictures . They got mad because I couldn 't pick the guy out . The cop was pointing at a picture of a guy in a hospital bed , with a tube in his throat , saying this is the easiest lineup I ever did in my life . He was trying to make me pick that guy and was really mad that I wouldn 't . They tried to threaten me after that by saying they found some illegal stuff in my house when they searched it . My lawyer told them the did an illegal search and told them they lied about when they searched . They said they searched all the next day but they couldn 't have , I was home with people in and out all day . ( Note from Emma : I picked him up at the hospital and was there off and on all day . There were no police officers . ) holiday , witch is when this all happened , Thanksgiving . You can get one signed for a legal holiday but not on one . So their threats didn 't work and we were out of there and done with them . Now I just had to deal with I knocked on the door and heard a gruff voice asking who was there . It was my ex - husband . I told him it was me so he opened the door just a crack and put a gun in my face ! I told him to put that thing away and went in to check on my son . His father was frantic and afraid that someone would come back to retaliate . He had also been drinking so he was not in the most stable position . He went to his house a couple of blocks away to make sure everything was okay there . He handed me his gun and told me to protect things while he was gone . After he left my son said to give the gun to him and he would give it back to his father after he sobered up . So I gave it to him . and there are about 100 people in there waiting , like always . It seems like everyone in this city is on parole . Anyway , after about an hour my parole officer comes out from her offices and looks over at me and has a weird look on her face . She comes over to me and says " You have to be the craziest person I 've ever had on parole . " I asked why . She said " You just got in a shoot out in your house , the F . B . I . called me for a couple months last year trying to get me to violate your parole because they said you robbed the Harley Davidson shop in another city and stole $ 1 , 000 , 000 worth of bikes and other stuff and now you come in here dressed like this . " I said , " I just got shot , what am I supposed to wear , a suit ? " She said , " No but not the shirt you 've got on . " I looked at my shirt and realized I put on a shirt I bought at the mall a few months ago . It was a black T - shirt and in big block Orange letters it said PAROLE VIOLATER ! . Everyone in the room was laughing . Even my parole officer . She was a good parole officer , never really bothered me too much , and she wouldn 't lock me up when the F . B . I . wanted her to , with no don 't know how the cops thought I stole all that stuff . They raided my house and took me to jail and held me for 72 hrs . They never found anything and the first day they had me the detectives took me to an office in the precinct and asked me if I had anything to say . I said all I want is to talk to my lawyer . The second day a about my rights . He was looking to see if he could get a reaction from me . After all that they took me back to go to my cell . They had to wait for the guard to come so as we were in the hallway . The cop from the other city asked , " After you get a lawyer , maybe then you will talk to us ? " I looked at the F . B . I . agent and we both knew just by looking at each other that they had to let me go . When the guard came and took me to the cell , he said , " You aren 't talking are you ? " I said , " No . " He said , " You want to know how I know ? " I said , " Yes . " put the cuffs on you real tight don 't I ? " I said , " Yes you do ! " He said , " Well I 'm just doing what I 'm told . And every time you come back those cuffs are still real tight aren 't they ? " I said , " Yes , you guys are real good at keeping them tight . " He said , " If you would 've come back with the cuffs loose , I would 've known you talked because they let you be comfortable . " That 's just one of there tricks they do , make you as uncomfortable as possible so you want to give them what they want , even if you 're not guilty . That 's why you hear about people that confess to crimes that later they are found not guilty of from other evidence , like D . N . A . People naturally want to get out of an uncomfortable situation and the government uses that . After all that , they let me go and I never I am often the one that makes my family laugh . I do not always do it intentionally but they laugh anyway . Laughter is good for the innards so I am happy to help keep them in good health . Everyone knows how much I love baseball . My sister - in - law just smiles and shakes her head as she says , " You and your baseball . " But my children are another matter altogether . We lived for a long time just a few miles from where my favorite major league baseball team played their home games . We went often . My children were able to watch some great baseball and great players . When we were not able to go to a game we would watch on television . Even after my father died my mother and I had a good time watching baseball together . We would moan when our batter 's hit was caught just before it appeared to be going over the fence for a home run . We would cheer when our outfielder caught the ball hit by the other team just before it went over the fence for a home run . We would scream and yell at any perceived infraction to our sensibilities committed by either team or the umpires . It is great fun . But my children , nieces and nephews , and younger brother and sister were the ones having the most fun . They would sit in the back yard on nice summer days and laugh at us as we screamed at the television . These days my children still laugh because I am still screaming at the television during ball games . They are joined by my grandchildren . Soon my great - grandchildren will be joining in . At least the dog does not run and hide any more . I love music . I am the weirdo you see in the supermarket bopping down the aisle when a favorite song comes over their music list . I will being watching TV disinterestedly and suddenly find myself chair dancing to the music of a commercial . And of course I sing long and loud with the radio . Now I know I cannot sing . If you put the tune into a breifcase and locked it I would not be able to carry it . But I have a lot of enthusiasm . Does that count for anything ? Of course my whole family laughs at me . When I begin to twitch in the grocery store my children used to scatter not wanting to be associated with the crazy lady . Sitting in a restaurant with my grandchildren brought head shaking and comments like , " Don 't do that . " Listening to music on the computer brings wails begging me to stop singing . ( It is my house . I sing . ) When my children were young I would try to plan activities we would all enjoy . Movies were a good bet but we often did not want to see the same movie . Theaters that show multiple movies worked well because we could see the movie we wanted to see then get together afterward for something to eat . But there were movies that we all enjoyed . Star Wars was one of those . So off we went to Star Wars . But it seems that everyone had a favorite place to sit in the theater . It works for us . Toward the end of that movie Darth Vader is killed by his son Luke Skywalker . It was an emotional scene and I cry easily at the movies so I was dabbing my eyes and ( I thought ) quietly crying . Then I hear son number 3 chuckling . He was sitting several rows behind me and to the left . He then stage whispers to son number 2 . " Hey , Mom is crying because Darth Vader got killed . " All heads in the theater craned to see me dabbing at my eyes . Son number 2 chuckled as did son number 1 and my daughter . Then the whole theater erupted into soft laughter . Think how good they all felt inside . After the movie I had plans for us to go downtown in the big city . Summer weekends they held what they called Ethnic Festivals . It was an attempt to introduce people to other cultures and learn more about their own . It was one of the best ideas they ever had . Anyway this weekend was the Irish Festival . Seeing that I had four little Irish children we went to the festival . After much searching we found a parking structure that was almost within walking distance . As we were walking into the riverfront area where the festival was being held there were so many people milling about . Son number 3 took great joy in walking up to as many as he could and saying , " That 's my mother . She cried when Darth Vader died . " Most people just had confused looks on their faces . But a few of them laughed . My son was having a good time . Add to that the fact that we had a good time at the festival . It was a great day . It truly does not bother me when people laugh at me . Know why ? I laugh at them too . Ridiculous things happen all the time . The trick is to recognize them for what they are and enjoy them . My son has come to tell us a few more stories about life in prison . While he has been there he has met some famous and infamous people . I am not sure whether that is good or bad but it is interesting . These are his stories in his words . get a paper notarized so I could get an appeal lawyer . I asked the social worker to do it ( they are notaries ) . She said she couldn 't because she couldn 't verify what I was saying on the paper was true . I looked at her and asked how long she has been a notary ? She said for years . I said then you should know that your job as a notary doesn 't require you to verify anything , you are just witnessing that I am the one signing the papers . She looked at me with a guilty look on her face and said , " you 're right , " and notarized my papers . I knew what she was supposed to do because when I was a little kid , my mom was a notary and I listened to her even though she didn 't think I did ! Haha . That saved me a lot of hassle a few years later when they finally ( found ) my notarized papers . Another good story is when I helped the leader of a motorcycle club beat a few gun charges in the fed court . I met him in county jail and we talked because we were both from the same city , and both on Fed cases . He just came in and was real worried like we all were about our cases . I showed him a few cases that showed that some of his charges were illegal and had to be dropped . After that , he left for federal prison . I went to federal prison about 2 weeks later and when I got there he ran up and helped me carry all my legal stuff . A few other guys on my case were there and were shocked and laughed because here I come with this big black guy that is in a group that hates white people carrying my stuff . They said , you " shore " do know how to make an entrance , haha . This is one when I was in county again . I got called out heard the guards talking about this crazy Arab guy that has been attacking everyone . As they were talking , other guards came around the corner with a guy that looked like he was in the taliban . He was chained up and going to the hole . When he saw me , he yelled at the top of his lungs " SPRINGFIELD " and broke free from the guards and ran straight for me . The guards started chasing him but they were too slow . He came up and gave me a hug and we laughed . The guards were in shock . He was really crazy and loved to fight everyone he saw but they didn 't know I met him in county a while back and we got along real good . The guards guy " , haha . Another time in county , I helped a guy with his sentencing hearing with the info I learned from reading a Dr . Phil book . It worked real good , and it was good practice for when I go to my sentencing . Anyway he was on a very bad crime and it didn 't look good at all for him . He was there for home invasion and armed robbery because he broke into a house full of people and robbed them at gun point . We started to make out a sentencing speech , talking about how he grew up living in abandoned cars because he had no family and doing whatever he had to to survive . He was 18 and they called him Animal . We didn 't mention anything about the crime in the speech , only his rough life and good things he did . When he went to his sentencing and came back , he was happy as could be . He said the judge actually cried when she heard how bad his life was growing up and gave him 18 years for the crime . I know you 're shocked about the time , but the judge said before he did his speech , she was going to give him 35 or 40 years on his minimum at least . She said she felt bad for him but had to give him that much time for the victims sake . I tried to help another guy the same way but he lied about what he was in jail for and tried to lie to the judge too , he was a child molester and they slammed him , just like he deserved . run into ? " I laughed and said , " I 've been here forever . " He said , " You are the only guy I know that 's on good terms with everyone in the whole place . " That 's because everyone we ran into , I helped with their case . I helped a lot of people and I 'll tell you about some of them later . But that 's what built up to the judge calling me a nice guy at my sentencing . I was Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me . A beautiful sentiment that all parents teach their children . It is meant to show that words can roll off your back and you do not have to deal with them any more whereas a physical blow can leave an injury that needs to be cared for after the altercation is finished . The truth is that we have all been deeply hurt by words . Maybe someone called you stupid or ugly when you were a child . If that was a person whose opinion of you mattered those words would cause great pain . Perhaps someone made fun of you and it seemed to catch on with other people until everyone was making fun of you . Torment . Often a misused word can bring a misgiving you have about yourself to light and exaggerate that into what you see as a serious flaw . I have mentioned that my family did not have much money . My mother made a lot of our clothes . But there were families in town who spent a bit more on clothing than we did . I can remember some of the women bringing huge boxes of clothes that their daughters could no longer use . They were expensive clothes and in practically new condition . I loved getting those clothes because they were so nice . What did bother me was that when they delivered the boxes the women did not pay attention to what they were saying . Even at that age I knew they were trying to do a good deed ; it was in fact a good deed . I not only liked the clothes they brought but I needed them too . They were nice people doing a nice thing . The problem was that they almost invariably said , " I thought Emma could wear these . If they don 't fit just throw them away . " I always felt like they were saying that they were not good for anybody else but they were good enough for me . I believe in hand - me - downs . There is no sense in throwing out perfectly good items because you cannot use them for whatever reason . But I make sure if I give something to someone else that I say , " If you cannot use them maybe you know someone who can . " Another example is tasteless jokes . I have to be honest and say that often they are funny . But they are funny at the expense of others . I was at a conference . A bunch of us met at the hotel for drinks after the meetings had adjourned for the day . Several people were standing around telling jokes . Most of the jokes were tasteless . Of course I had to join them . I told my favorite tasteless joke . They all laughed . But afterward a woman came to me and told me that one of the other women had left because of my joke . It touched a nerve with her and hurt her feelings . I felt terrible . I went to her room and asked if I could speak to her . She did not want to talk but was gracious . I apologized to her and she was such a nice person that she accepted my apology . We hugged each other and I left . I have not told another tasteless joke since . My mother was laughing one day . She had seen my niece arguing with a friend . They were little girls and Mom wanted to make sure the argument did not turn into blows . But it was an argument using words as weapons . Finally my niece screamed , " Well at least MY mother buys real gold jewelry ! " How much did it hurt the other girl ? I do not know . I do know that the girls are still good friends 30 years later . If only that was the worst thing we could think of to hurl at someone when we are angry with them . Mom also liked to tell about her days as a waitress when she was young . There was a young man who came in once a week like clockwork . In those days people were called retarded and she just assumed that was his affliction . When she went to the table to take their orders she decided to join in and waved her hands excitedly . To her chagrin she soon realized that there were people who could not hear at that table . They had been using sign language as well as spoken language to communicate . I hope these examples demonstrate that things are not always as they seem . And especially that words have power . It is so easy to unintentionally hurt someone with a careless word . And all we need to do is think before we open our mouths . Think . Think . Do you try to make the world a better place ? It is easy to do . The next time you see someone , smile at them . Usually they will smile back . You have given someone a smile . What a wonderful gift . Of course if you have the time and inclination there are other things you can do . Perhaps you have a neighbor who is ill . Offer to go to the store for them . Or offer to straighten their house so they can rest . Or take them some nice hot chicken soup . Make them something cool to drink . Just think ; with a minimal effort you can make someone 's life easier . When I was quite young polio was still a major threat in our country . The March Of Dimes was founded on the premise that if everyone would give one dime a cure could be found . My school had an even better idea . Each child was encouraged to take a strip of scotch tape that was as long as the child was tall . Then place dimes side by side along the length of the tape . Then place another length of tape over the dimes to keep them from falling off . Those were our donations to The March Of Dimes that year . It was fun for us and we contributed to the cause . Often you see the Candy Stripe girls and boys in places that offer medical care . It is the job of these people to take care of mundane tasks like delivering reading materials , refreshing water pitchers , and maybe fluffing a pillow or two . Sometimes they just provide some company for a patient who would like to talk . The tasks may not seem important but they are and they are time consuming . It is a lot of time that frees the nurses to do the duties they trained for . I was a candy striper at a nursing home . I answered phones and read to patients . Besides being a help to the professional workers , I learned a great deal . Another unpaid job I had was at the town 's museum . The museum was old and had a lot of artifacts . It was located in a building that used to be someone 's home . Historical items had accumulated over the years and they were piling up . This was an interesting experience . I live in the Plains area of the United States . Often the area is associated with Indians . There were many tribes in my area and there were artifacts from them in our museum . Just learning what they were and how they were used was an education . We had animal pelts . First of all they were so dusty ! And we had to be careful handling them because they were so old so there was no shaking to rid them of dust . Likewise no vacuuming . I sneezed a lot when we ran across pelts . I visited the new museum a few years ago when I was in the area . I was amazed at how many of the same items were still on display . I feel as if I were a part of history . When I lived in the big city there were beggars on the street . Now to be fair some of them offered services in return for a hand - out . Some would position themselves at stoplights to wash your windshield in exchange for a bit of money , for instance . But usually they just asked for enough money to buy a meal . If I have a couple of extra dollars I certainly feel like I could feed someone . I also know that many of these panhandlers will only use money to buy a drink . I feel better about a situation if I purchase a meal for them . Then they will get a bit of nourishment before the next drink . Not everyone agrees with me but it is my money after all . A lot of my helping people revolves around food for some reason . I do not think that anyone should be hungry in today 's world . I knew a woman whose husband had been arrested . To be honest I did not particularly like this woman . But she called me looking for some help . She was unsure how she would pay her bills and buy food . eat in the freezer and gave her some . She was surprised when one of my sons delivered the food . It seems that what she was actually looking for was money to go play bingo . So I was fooled ! But I would do it again under the same circumstances so I do not feel bad . You will see the pots for donations all over the place at Christmas time . They are watched over by bell ringers . The bell ringers are paid employees who usually make minimum wage . There is nothing wrong with that . These are people who might not have a job otherwise . The money from the pots is used to purchase items to ensure that people of small means have a decent holiday . I worked as a bell ringer when I was a senior in high school . It was good money . But I did not consider that as helping others . I had a job and I earned money . It was not giving of myself . Many years later I volunteered for a time helping to sort donated items in one of their stores . That time was , for me , not paid . I worked hard and I hope I helped make someone 's life better . One night / morning after work the drummer for the band I managed was hit by a hit - and - run driver as he was walking across the street to buy some cigarettes . For several weeks we were not sure whether he would live or then lived to be normal . Since he was a young self - employed musician he had no health insurance . Musicians have a unique way to help each other . We organized a benefit . Besides the band he played for there were 6 or 7 other bands from the area happy to donate their time and music to help a comrade . The bar the band played in agreed to allow the use of the bar . So we set a date for the benefit . We would serve food for a small fee and ask for donations . I approached businesses for donations of what we needed . We got hamburger meat and hot dogs . Potato chips were donated . One of our favorite customers drove a delivery truck for Wonder Bread . He convinced them to donate the buns we needed as well as miniature loaves of bread that we used as prizes for games . A local bottler even donated cases of soda pop as long as we returned all the bottles . People are so kind if given a chance . The proceeds from everything ( except liquor sales . . . illegal ) went to pay his hospital bills . So many people donated time as well as money . It was a wonderful success . The family of the drummer came to thank everyone . They were so gracious and grateful . Remember that children need to be taught to give of themselves . Teach them to help neighbors with chores appropriate to the age of the child . Older people can always use some help mowing the lawn , scooping snow from the sidewalk , or pulling weeds . The relationships they build will be a bonus . I am gratified that many schools are now requiring a certain amount of community service from the students in order to graduate . They recognize that we all need to pitch in to make a better place for others . So give someone a smile . You will both feel good . I pride myself for having memories of my past and the stories I have heard . I believe they are important to me , my children , and their children . You are what you come from . Knowing what you come from helps you to know yourself . We lived for most of the summer and part of the school year in a small town . We lived in a big old house on the corner . We played a lot of hide and seek . I cut my arm and needed stitches because of hide and seek . My brother cut his leg and needed stitches while he was messing around the pile where my mother burned the trash . We made a play house in the alley . There was a funeral home across the alley . They had set one of those big cement vaults in the alley for some reason . We painted it and fixed it all up so we could play in it . The funeral director thought it was cute and left it to us . I used to walk up to the school I would be attending in the fall . I would stand right up next to the wall of the building and look up at the top . It made me dizzy . The school had one of those old fire escape chutes on the outside . They are not allowed to use those any more . We would climb up as high as we could and then slide down . It was better than a slide at the park . I remember all those things . I remember our house . I do not remember going into the building . I do not remember going home at the end of the day . I do not remember being inside the building . I do not remember walking in the halls . I do not remember my classroom . Nothing . I do not remember my teacher at that school . I was in the second grade so I am certain it must have been a woman . Beyond that I know nothing . Sometimes when I think very hard about it and try to remember it seems as if a shadow of a memory races just out of sight . But I cannot be sure . It could be wishful thinking . If it is there it is not long enough to even leave an impression of what might be . So you will never hear about any of the things I did in that school . No funny comments about class . No trouble I got into with classmates . No foibles of my teacher . Sorry . My father 's mother had cancer . When the doctor discovered it there was really not much they could do to combat it . The doctor 's best opinion was that she not be told . Then she could live her life with no worry . Many , many years later other doctors decided to do surgery to see if they could cut out most of the cancer and let chemotherapy and radiation take care of the rest . When they made the incisions and took a look they just closed the incisions and said there was nothing they could do for her . Her body was full of cancer . My grandmother died a slow agonizing death . I don 't know that she was in pain as much as being alive in that condition is no way to be alive . Pain medications helped her deal with the pain . My mother 's father had leukemia which is cancer of the blood or bone marrow . He was such a big strong man all of his life . When he died he looked so frail . Again that was at a time there was little they could do to treat him . I loved him so much and it hurt to see his condition . Many of my aunts and uncles on both sides of the family have died of various forms of cancer . My youngest aunt who is just a few years older than me is struggling against leukemia . A few months ago the doctors told her it seems as if she is improving . Over time treatments have become more sophisticated and more successful . Millions of people can be tested for all types of cancers . These tests can discover cancer or cancer dangers before it is untreatable . Even if cancer is the diagnosis there are many different types of treatments . There is surgery , chemotherapy , radiation . Even diet and nutrition treatments are recommended . There are alternative therapies which are many times experimental . Try to find a doctor you trust and then listen to what the doctor recommends . I realized when I was about eight years old that I would have cancer when I was older . Strange what children come up with . Well almost 11 years ago I had a routine physical and colon cancer was discovered . I had been fighting against the colonoscopy . Just the thought of what had to be done was repugnant to me . First you drink this nasty strong laxative the day before . Before you drink it you can have nothing to eat or drink except jello , broth and clear liquids . Of course the laxative does what it is supposed to do and you spend a lot of time in the bathroom while it cleans out the area to be examined . The next morning with still no food you go to be tested . After they put an IV in place they wheel you off to the room where the colonoscopy is done . In most cases the doctor will be a specialist who sets aside days to do nothing but colonoscopies . An anesthetist puts you into a light sleep . The doctor inserts a camera and looks around at the lining of the intestines and colon . If any irregularities are seen biopsies are taken and sent to the lab . The lab checks for malignancies . My first colonoscopy was done by my own doctor . It was just part of the routine physical . When the test was finished he came to talk to me . The doctor began by telling me that he had found a couple of polyps . Then he lowered his voice to a sympathetic tone and tried to find a way to speak to me . Finally he realized that I understood . He came right out and said , " You have a cancer , " and let out a deep breath . He said that he had almost missed the cancer . It was in a hard to see spot and he was just going to leave it but something made him go back to take another look . An appointment was set up with a specialist . I got to go through the whole colonoscopy thing again in a couple of days . Yippee ! Surgery was recommended . When did I want to do it ? I told him that it might as well be as soon as we could set it up , thinking that there would be a backlog in the hospital . I called my boss . He was shocked and concerned . My son and daughter - in - law told their children . They were teenagers . My grandson sounded hurt and said , " Grandma Emma ? " My daughter told her children who were quite a bit younger . My oldest granddaughter drew a special picture in colored charcoals for me ( She is a talented artist ) . It is a unicorn in my favorite colors . It still hangs on the wall in my room . The younger two grandchildren each sent me a stuffed animal ( an elephant and a bear ) to keep me safe . I felt good and had a fast recovery from the surgery . I was only in the hospital for a few days . I was to be home from work for 6 weeks . A few days after I went home I went to see the surgeon for a check - up . Basically he just wanted to talk . The tests on my lymph nodes showed no evidence of cancer . Now I had another decision to make . Chemotherapy or no chemotherapy ? Many people had chemo in cases like this just to make sure all the cancer was gone . Many decided to take their chances . Now after 11 years I am still cancer free . I am fortunate . Each case is different and should be judged on its own . Doctor recommendations should be seriously considered . The cancer would not have been discovered if not for that routine physical . I had no symptoms and I felt good . If I had not listened to my doctor I might not be here today . The moral of this story is HAVE A YEARLY PHYSICAL . LISTEN TO YOUR DOCTOR . TAKE THE NECESSARY STEPS TO ENSURE THAT YOU WILL BE HERE IN 11 YEARS TO ENJOY YOUR FAMILY . |
Carolina . Where have I been , what have I been doing for the past two months . It was a time that went by in no time . I don 't know what I was doing , where I went or whom I saw . At the time , I thought I was getting my life back . I said at a meeting that I was happy . Happy , but I kept looking over my shoulder for what was going to happen next . I couldn 't just be glad in the day , I worried . It has been a long time since I was really happy . This felt real , it felt like I was moving on , getting over it , getting on with it . Carolina started to refuse food two weeks ago . We all know what that meant . I didn 't need a diagnosis and I won 't write a eulogy . Bob and our vet said it was time to let her go . I wasn 't ready . I was done grieving . I grieved for two years . I was moving on . But in the end , it wasn 't about me , it was about Carolina . Sweet Carolina . She loved everyone and everyone loved her . I started writing about two years ago and stopped about two months ago . It occurred to me that maybe I can only write when I am grieving . Or better , writing is something I do only when I spend most of my time wrapped in a blanket on the couch . I am the happiest when I am making something or doing something . Writing doesn 't feel like that . Writing fills the time in between . When I was in my 40 's I learned that no one hires menopausal woman . Seriously , who would invite that into the workplace ? It is bad enough having the ones that already worked there . It is like having a house full of adolescents . So when I knew I had to go back to work I decided to teach because it was the only profession that hired woman 40 to 50 years old . Looking at it closer , I found that there was a demand for math teachers , middle school math teachers . A menopausal woman teaching pubescent students seemed like a perfect fit ! March 31st last year I finished my student teaching . Within a week I completed all my requirements and got my post baccalaureate in middle school mathematics education . I submitted my credentials and soon had my Georgia educator certificate . My 50th birthday was approaching , April 27th . I was looking forward to it . I had a plan . I was going to go back to work , pay off my debts and in just 15 years , and have the house paid for and retire with a pension and social security . Well people plan and God laughs . My mother died April 26th and I did not find a job . I knew other people who were looking for teaching jobs and they didn 't find a position either . No first years . This made me feel a little better , but at the time I didn 't care because it gave me the time to spend with my father . I stayed with him in Massachusetts to help him adjust to living alone . My husband Bob was supportive and took care of the dogs and the house while I was away . I promised him I would find a job after the holidays . The holidays are in the past and the school year is half over , and there are a few teaching positions open ; people who did not return after fall break . I got only one response back from all my applications that said I did not fit the qualifications and " there were many , many applicants " . So , I applied to various youth organizations in the area even though they require a degree in psychology or sociology . There are lots of jobs available because the job requires long hours and is emotionally draining . The pay is not that good either . I haven 't gotten any responses to my applications . I made a promise . I told Bob I would find a job this year . I will keep looking , but today , I am turning to my higher power for help . One of the promises in the big book for the 12th step is " when we look back , we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God 's hands were better than anything we could have planed . " I guess he has a plan for me . I hope it happens soon . My friends have decided it was time to get my field back into condition to do some dog agility . The tornado did a lot of damage to it . But it is not the damage from the tornado that is keeping me from the field , it is what happened the day before the tornado , the day my mother died . Today my agility field is covered in layers of debris . It is in the woods and in the summer the trees that shade it , cover it in the fall with leaves . Under the leaves are weeds . Weeds that grew from roots that were there long before it was an agility field . Below the weeds is a layer of soil brought there by the rain that washes down from the woods . The bottom layer , which may be gone , is wood chips . Wood chips that were brought in to create a natural footing for the dogs to run on . My higher power , Nature , who protects my field with a cover of organic materials , also wrapped me in protective blanket of family and friends . Much of the time I wouldhave spent on my field , I spent with my father and my sister and brothers . Each with our own fields of debris , we grieve for our mother who lies peacefully in the earth , in a field of lawn and trees . The layers of tears and excuses , reasons why I cannot return to my agility field are my grief . I can 't go there . It is too thick , too heavy , to overwhelming to clear away . It will take a leaf blower , weed eater , chipper mulcher , rakes and shovels to get the bottom . The bottom that nature has worked three seasons to renew is the foundation for me to build a new field , a new life , a new beginning . My friends are coming on Monday . I will provide the tools . They provide the strength ; the power to peel off the layers that Nature has protected me with . With each layer , they will be helping me get my life back . Together we will shred the debris , the pain of the past year and spread it on the field as Nature has done . My husband will bring new wood chips to make the footing for me to run on as Nature has intended . The very first time my husband and I entertained together , we had only been dating a few months . It was New Years Eve . We went to the grocery store together to buy food and soft drinks , the package store for alcohol , then to his apartment to get ready . As soon as the groceries were put away , Bob said he had to run an errand and would be right back . I didn 't ask any questions and kept cleaning as he walked out the door . A few hours later he returned , more excited than I had ever seen him . He found a vintage guitar and wanted to buy it . As he paced around , I encouraged him to go back and get it before someone else bought it . When he came back a few hours later , the apartment was clean , the prep work was done on the food , and all that was left to do was cook . Seventeen years , fifteen guitars and countless parties later , Bob still disappears on the day we have company . Each time he says he will be there to help , and each time he comes rushing in just an hour or two before company is expected to arrive . He does the cooking and he entertains as he does it . This Christmas Eve while I was home preparing a Feast of Seven Fishes for twelve people , he was at the galvanizing plant watching zinc melt . I could hear myself yelling above the sound of the vacuum cleaner , " seventeen years and he is never here to help me get ready for a party , why should this party be any different … " I was so mad . Then I stopped . The next voice I heard was my oldest brother saying the eulogy at my mother 's funeral . He was telling the story of how my father would always come home late on Christmas Eve because he would stop on the way home to visit his friends . My brother said , " Ma would get so mad … this happened every year . " When Bob finally got home , he was so excited . He said " the kettle didn 't crack and the temperature was at 850 degrees , right where it needs to be . Everything is going according to plan , the zinc should all melted and we will be ready to galvanize product on Tuesday . What do you need me to do ? I was thinking I would dust the guitars . " I tried not to be mad and replied , " Do what you want , I will have everything ready , all you have to do is cook and entertain . " I talk a lot , but I don 't say much . I am actually pretty shy . Keeping secrets is a shortcoming . Not secrets about you , secrets about myself . Many people , even those closest to me , do not know very much about me . They are often surprised to find out even seemingly ordinary things about me . But there are people , those I know and those I have never met personally , who tell me my secrets . These short stories are about some of those people . She only stands shoulder high , but her presence is undeniable . When she smiles her teeth mash together as she crinkles her nose . It was impossible to avoid eye contact when she talks . She is my aunt . Memphis had a tough start to life . He was aggressive , and I could not control him . I came very close to putting him to rest . When he was only a few months old , he would go from sleeping peacefully in my lap to violently attaching the other dogs , Boston in particular . To manage his behavior and to keep the other dogs safe , I strategically placed baby gates , crates and air horns throughout the house . At the time , trying to manage the situation was all I could do , while I uncovered the cause of the behavior and to modify it . I used special collars and leashes , changed his food , gave him supplements and adhered to strict rules and routines . I would not let any of the other dogs stare at him ; they learned to look away and not make eye contact . Things improved , but there were still fights . When Memphis would get into a fight , my first concern was always safety . I didn 't want anyone to get hurt . My second concern was all of the dogs ' emotional states . I worried that Memphis was insane and that it was affecting the other dogs . They all learned to be cautious around him , but were they scared and unhappy too ? My mother liked to play bingo . This was the only time she ever went to church . Every Tuesday , she would ask one of us in the house to go with her . The answer was always no , but she went anyway . Bingo was for old people , it couldn 't be much fun . One week she couldn 't drive , I don 't remember why ; but I agreed to take her . I was nervous , not knowing what to expect . When we arrived at the church , we stood in line , waiting for the doors to open . It was important to get there early , so she could get her " usual seat . " The desk in the hall had piles of bingo cards on it . People bought a hundred of them . My mother got her cards , and I began to sweat . " I 'm with her , " I said . " I 'm just going to watch . " I followed my mother down the long hall into a huge room full of tables and chairs . We sat down in her usual spot . She spread out some of her cards . They were made of newsprint , so she took some tape out of her bag and taped them to the table . In her bag was also two plastic bottles of ink , a bright red wand with a magnet in it , lots of red translucent markers , and cash . She took one of the bottles of ink and dabbed the free , center square of the nine cards in front of her , then placed the bottle down . She was ready . Memphis had not gotten into a fight in almost four months . Then one night , Memphis and I were sleeping and I rolled over onto him and woke him . He instantly stood up on the bed , looked me straight in the eyes and froze . I was sure he was going to kill me , so I was quietly making a plan to defend myself . Then , just as suddenly as he 'd stood , he looked away , shook , jumped down off the bed , circled a few times , then got back on the bed , laid down and went back to sleep . He shook it off and was now sleeping ! I could not close my eyes . This was the moment when I knew he was better , this was the moment I saw him look away . " N32 . . . B14 . . . G50 . " The man calling the numbers was on a stage with a round basket next to him , and a large sign with numbers and letters above him . The sign would light up each time he spoke . " B1 ! " Everyone in the room swiped their bottles down the B column and dabbed the corresponding square on their bingo cards . No one spoke . Their gaze was on the cards and their ears alert for one word . " Only a few people know this : my husband is a recovering alcoholic . He has been sober for three years . It was hard for him to stop drinking , but he did it . We are still adjusting to our new life . " That conversation happened at a dog - training center . We were talking about Virginia , when she was about two years old . I was taking a class to prepare her for her Canine Good Citizen Certificate ( CGC ) . She did not approach strangers , she was uncomfortable when anyone pet her , and no one was allowed to touch her feet . I just accepted that she was shy ; I did not imagine it could be the result of a medical condition . After a few weeks of have having every person I saw pet her , touch her feet , and give her a treat , I made a vet appointment . Virginia learned to tolerate the attention , but was still never as accepting as a Golden Retriever should be . " The dog trainer ? Oh , . . . there is no need to test her thyroid . If she had a thyroid problem , her coat would be thinner she would have dry skin , and be overweight . Virginia is healthy . She is just shy . Some dogs are shy , even Golden Retrievers . " Most people think I am outgoing , because I talk a lot and I have no trouble talking to strangers . I am equally comfortable instructing a small group of adults and a gymnasium full of elementary students . I do , however , have a problem making friends and forming long - term relationships . I have only a few close friends . Typically , I only contact them when things are going well . When I hit a rough patch , I keep to myself . The friends who know me best know exactly how long to leave me alone , until they call or visit to bring me back to life . When I met Bob , we were working together in Charleston , South Carolina . The company was recruiting people from all over the country to build a " World Class Manufacturing Plant . " The first time he saw me , he told his friend , " Now , that 's trouble . " At the time , I was married to someone else , so I said no the first time he asked me out . The next time he asked , I said yes . My husband was still living in Indiana , and it was becoming clear he was not planning on moving . I was also realizing that I ran away from him , as much as I went to a new job . When it came to fight or flight , I always chose flight . Not long after that first date with Bob , my life changed dramatically . I divorced my husband , moved in with Bob , got laid off from work , found a new job , and moved to Nashville . During the time we were separated , Bob held our relationship together . On several occasions , I said I could not handle a long - distance relationship and I wanted him to let me go . He is a fighter . He fought to keep his job and me . Bob was the last one out of the building , when the plant closed 18 months later . He got a job with the new owners in Milwaukee , Wisconsin , and convinced me to come with him . We got married 5 months later . Bob and I stayed in Wisconsin from New Year 's Day to Valentine 's Day three years later , before moving to the Chattanooga area to build a manufacturing business . We were working together again and I was happy , really happy , for 12 years . Virginia did not pass her CGC ; she failed , not on the touching tests , but on the separation test . She did not like being left with Natalie for three minutes without me . She pulled , barked and lunged on the leash to get to me across the training building . I was not upset we failed ; she wanted to be with me , and that meant more to me than a certificate . After the test , Natalie recommended Virginia and I take her obedience class , saying that it would help socialize her . So we did . On the first night of class , a small , mixed breed dog leaned into her and growled . Virginia fled under a table . Then the dog blocked the entry into the training ring . The dog 's owner did nothing to manage his dog , so I picked up Virginia and carried her over the threshold . I thought , " What are you correcting me for . The owner of the other dog did nothing when his dog chased her away . That dog and owner need to learn how to behave around other dogs . In the meantime , I am going to protect Virginia . " I later learned that picking her up was the wrong thing to do , but for a different reason . Picking a dog up like that makes the dog and the person the target for attack . That did not happen . Virginia was safe , which was all that mattered . I have been teased and made fun of my whole life , and there were many times when I wished someone would pick me up and carry me to safety . I didn 't pick her up anymore , but I did get her out of harm 's way every time she was threatened . Three years ago , life took another turn . The owner of Bob 's business sold it to some bankers . The workplace was becoming hostile and he did not want me to get hurt ; so Bob fired me . For the first time , Bob started losing his grip on his work and his life . So , Bob stopped drinking . He withdrew into his work and his program . While he was holding on to his job and his sobriety , I was holding on to him . Then Virginia got cancer and died . I felt so alone , I wanted to jump into the grave with her . I cried for months . I still cry . Many of my friends believe I am having such a hard time with Virginia 's death , because I am mourning two losses : Virginia and my marriage . Now my mother is dead . Friends are asking how long I will stay with Bob . He is hardly ever home and when he is , he barely talks to me . He spends all of his time at work or at meetings . They say , " It 's been 3 years of grief and it may be time to move on . " They are right . It is time to move on , I need to quit grieving not my marriage . All my life , I have run away from my problems . This time I want to stay . I am feeling better . Wisconsin is beginning to fill the space that Virginia once held . She has brought play and joy back into the house , into my life . I don 't feel alone anymore . My mother is with me all the time now . We are no longer separated by time and distance . Bob is working hard to make a good life for us . What I need to do is stop pulling against the leash . He can 't pick me up ; but if I wait , he will come to me . Barking and lunging will not bring him closer . I am moving on . I am done grieving for my past , and I am staying right here . This time , I will not flee . I will fight . It was here , at this dock that I saw the Golden Retriever I wanted ; she was dragging her owners across the yard to the pool . This was a small , light colored Golden , with good structure . I thought she was a puppy , but found out she was over a year old . I was looking for a small Golden and was told that this breeder was very responsible , cleared their dogs for hips , shoulders and eyes and did not breed with dogs that had cancer in their blood line . Wisconsin is from this breeder . Virginia was also good at dock diving . She learned to jump off the diving board at my parents ' house . She would run to the end of the board and dive into the deep end of the pool after her football . After grabbing it in the water , she 'd bring it to the stairs in the shallow end , step out of the pool , and run back to the diving board to do it again . When we traveled to dog events with dock diving , she would drag me to the pool and jump in before I could find something to throw to her . During my mother 's wake , I did not stand with my brothers , my sister and my father . I stood outside the door and greeted people as they came in . I 'd moved away ages ago and most of the visitors had not seen me in a long time . When they saw me , some acted as if they had seen a ghost . They thought I looked exactly like my mother . I told them I sometimes look in the mirror and see my mother . In fact , this past spring someone took my picture and wondered where my facial expressions came from . He looked at the image on the camera and then looked at me . It was not the same person . He showed me the picture , and it was my mother . At the end of the wake , when it was about time to go home , my sister , Maryann , and I kneeled at my mother 's coffin and talked to her . I reached out to touch her and her arm was hard . I was surprised . My sister had already experienced this and said that this was not her . She turned and put her hand on my chest and said , " Mom is in there . " Then , Maryann put her hand on her own chest and said , " Mom is in here . " According to her , our mother was not in that hard , cold , lifeless body , but was in us . Although we have never talked about it , I don 't believe that my sister meant it literally . I think she was telling me that our mother was in our hearts and in our memories . Perhaps she 's right . However , the numbness I felt in the first few months of grieving has faded , and I can now begin to feel my mother in me , in a very literal sense . I can feel her arthritis in my fingers and toes , and I crave sugar the way a diabetic does . Just yesterday , Maryann reminded me that my medical history is repeating our mother 's . I already knew this - every time something was wrong with me , I consulted with my mother before calling a doctor . What my sister does not know is that Mom and I both have also had long battles with depression . My grandmother , my mother 's mother , also had arthritis and diabetes . She died when she was 65 . I have only brief memories of her , twiddling her thumbs , putting milk and cold water into her tea , and brushing the knots out of my hair one hot summer day at the kitchen table . " She brushed your hair ? No , she would not have done that . " This memory of my grandmother brushing my hair is so clear , but my mother said no . We had this conversation a few years ago . When I asked why not , she was vague . I have often wondered where souls go when someone dies . I believe people have souls , and they go somewhere . Is it possible that souls leap from one body to another ? Did my mother embody the soul of my grandmother ? Is it possible that I have inherited the soul of my mother , my grandmother and possibly many more generations ? If so , what do I do with this collective soul during my lifetime ? I have started mistakenly calling Wisconsin Virginia . I do this perhaps in a way that parents go down the line of the names of their children , until they call the correct child . But is it possible that Virginia leaped into Wisconsin ? This is what I was really hoping for . Wisconsin has many of the same traits , and I see more similarities every day . She is even beginning to look like her . I was hoping that Virginia would come back to me . I wanted it so desperately , I looked for a dog that would look and act like her . I intentionally bought a dog that had the potential to become Virginia , but is it possible that she is Virginia ? I have seen ghosts . I can recognize other people who see ghosts . The ghosts I have seen did not look like the people they were , but I saw them as they are now . Perhaps these ghosts had nowhere to go . They did not leap . I saw Virginia carrying her football around the house for months after her death . Now I see only Wisconsin . I keep a football in the toy basket . I will know she is Virginia when she picks it up and asks me to throw it for her to retrieve . I never see my mother as a ghost or in a dream . Her I only see in the mirror and in photographs . I do not have a daughter or a granddaughter . I worry who will inherit the collective soul of my mothers . I am compelled to connect with these women and ask their advice . I created a place for Virginia ; now I must create a place for the souls I have inherited . I have time . My mother lived longer than her mother , and I expect to live longer than her . I want to take that leap ; I must find the heir and brush her hair . |
Go go go don 't stop don 't look back . If you look back they can get you , the demons , the shadows , the ones who never slow down . Keep running they 're catching up . They 're always catching up . You said to me once that the truly terrifying thing , what makes you prickle cold with sweat at night and shakes your bones all day , what scares you is that you can go a long way pretty fast but they go slower they do they plod on but they never ever ever need to sleep . You slowed down and they got you . If I keep going fast enough they won 't get me . If I keep running I 'll be okay . That 's what you told me . Your words go in my head keep going keep going keep going run run run and one syllable with every time a foot hits the ground so I 'm saying the words as I go even when I 'm walking because my legs might fall out from under me . Those words keep my feet forward , keep my bones working and my blood churning and my face turned up and ahead of me so I don 't look at the ground so long that I just sink right onto it . Sometimes the dirt looks so inviting . There 's no way I give up , you have to know that , you might be gone to me but I can still talk to you in my head . It 's not like there 's anyone else to talk to either and I 'd always rather talk to you than anyone . You know . You always know . Now when I have to do all the knowing when my brain has to work all the time and my body has to go go go all the time and I 'm without you and all I have is your words that keep me going because I have to keep going . Now that it 's like this , I still talk to you in my head . I always did and always will . There isn 't anyone better to talk to . Even if there was someone they wouldn 't be better couldn 't not possibly because you 're always you even though you 're not here you 're not with me you 're still you . When I ask myself questions because I 'm so so so tired sometimes I can hear your answers because I know what you would say . Sometimes I ask just to hear the answer you would say come back to me and I can pretend for a little minute there that you 're telling me how to survive how to be how to live and it 'll work and because of you , your words in my head , you 're gone but I have your words and so I 'll be okay . Dan stopped to stand still on his way to the grocery store because he was enraptured by everything . He 'd been walking quickly , but then he 'd glanced up and his feet had slowed . Now he held still and watched the world . The buildings stood there on either side of the street just as they always did , but did he always notice the way the crack in the paint on the side of the old restaurant swooped and wiggled across the wall ? People walked on the sidewalks , ignoring him , but he usually ignored them too . Now he saw . Look at the woman following her husband , chasing him before her with words ! She talked without thinking about the miraculous movement of her lips , the sound issuing forth , the little wrinkle that she was carving into the space between her husband 's eyebrows . Look ! The two men sitting outside the convenience store leaned ever so slightly toward each other , and their whole faces crinkled up when they laughed . They were in the path of the sun , so it painted a shadow on the wall beside them with crisp edges , the shape of their heads and the intricate little wiggles of their ears and collars skewed on the surface behind them . The little girl across the street was dragging behind her mother . Her hair was working to escape its ponytail and she looked around her , mouth pursed and eyes unblinking . She was like Dan . They were trying to see the whole world at once . The tree that grew in the space between the sidewalk and the road had noticed the breeze skulking through the street , and was dancing in it with a timid flutter , as though it was afraid somebody would notice . The middle - aged man with the bushy mustache was leering at a girl passing , and she kept her eyes fixed straight ahead . His face was red like the paper underside of an autumn leaf . Her straight - ahead eyes were ringed with smeared eyeliner , but in between the black smudges they glittered . She bit her lip , he could tell from the dip in her mouth right then , just a little . She was annoyed , or trying not to smile . She held enough of the expression out of her face that Dan couldn 't tell what it could have been . He watched her pass and he looked down the street . An old woman pushed a cart full up with laundry . The wheels squeaked a little bit . She was furrowed in concentration , navigating the sidewalk , fitting herself around the man smoking a cigarette . He stepped back , not even looking at her , just automatic , letting his body move without asking it to . Somehow Dan wondered that he could move without thinking about it , that he could move his whole body on his unthinking feet without listening to the signals run from his head down the fibers of his muscles and through the building of his bones , until the whole mess of a body in its scrambled complexity just shifted over half a step like it was nothing . There was music coming from inside the convenience store , and the plump lady behind the counter was singing along . Her voice was thin , as though she wasn 't entirely sure what it was going , but she was following it along anyway . It was not a beautiful sound , except for that it was sound being made . Dan listened to her as if it was beautiful . How amazing that she could make sound ! It was something beautiful just that she could open up her mouth and a song would come out , that the elaborate scroll of notes and tones and pitches and melody that is written out in black symbols on white paper with lines and curves and circles across pages and pages and pages could just spill out of her mouth while she wasn 't paying attention , as though it didn 't matter a bit . So Dan listened . Behind her song there was the music of the street . A siren whistled and bellowed in the distance , its voice soaring and dipping , soaring and dipping . The cars grumbled and wheezed as they passed by . People 's voices blended and lifted , tangled and burst , wheeled and murmured together . The tree had stopped dancing with the wind now , the breeze gone away to wander somewhere else . Its leaves were trembling to stillness . A car blared its horn . Dan started , blinking . He couldn 't waste the whole day just standing and looking at things like this . He 'd never get anything done if he didn 't move , anything at all . I put down an idea somewhere , and now I can 't find it . I checked the bedroom already . I checked the living room . For heaven 's sake , I looked in the toilet bowl , but if it was there I already flushed it away . The stacks of paper on the desk and threatening to topple just as always and the books on the bookshelf lean rakishly against each other , nonchalant as they support the ones piled on top of them because I take them out and them am too lazy to put them back properly . The clothes on the floor haven 't moved for a week . The idea isn 't in any of those things . I almost remember it , almost , can very nearly taste it on my tongue . It 's no use . It 's gone . Wherever it is , maybe I 'll stumble upon it sometime in a year or two . It 'll have gotten quite dusty by then and I won 't even recognize it . Perhaps I might have twisted it into the wires and chips in my phone or computer , pressed the buttons that spelled out the words that held my idea . If I did it 's lost in the silver tangle inside technology , because I can 't find it there either . Somewhere in cyberspace , where everything is a glowing orb or square or something that looks futuristic in a way that 's hard to picture . Somewhere there , my idea might be lurking . I won 't find it there . I absolutely just do not know where it is or what it was and it 's driving me bonkers . Really . You 'd think that it would be okay , that if I plucked something from out my head it would be okay . My mind is a renewable resource . Ideas are still growing . That one was ready though , ripe and round and I was going to slice it up and let the juice drip just everywhere . It obviously wasn 't that ideas are fruit , that 's a crap idea . You see ? The one idea gone is of course the best one . The ones that are left , the ones I can find , they 're mediocre ideas . The bottom of the barrel , more or less . My brain is the barrel . They get grimy down there , bent out of shape . You see me getting dragged away by my words ? It 's better when there 's a good idea at the reins . Otherwise it 's just plain nonsense I 'm spouting , spilling over , and it 's puddling on the floor filling up the room and we 're drowning in it . A good idea is a boat . Or a scuba suit . Something like that . A good idea means that you don 't drown , you swim , and without a good idea I 'm suffocating on nonsense , flailing and splashing and I hope to God nobody can hear me because this is absolutely completely ridiculous . If you 're still following along then good on you , I 'd have stopped listening to me by now . Good grief . Anyway , I guess without an idea to write about or talk about or to sing out as loud as I can , I 'm going to stop mumbling and go do something mindless to drown out the nonsense . Maybe watch TV or play one of those games on the computers that makes the sparkly dinging noises when I win . Those are nice . Annoying , but nice . Maybe tomorrow I 'll find the idea . It 'll show up eventually , right ? What happens when you lose an idea ? Does it wither , die , turn into a brown shriveled rotten thing and cause an odd smell but you don 't know where it 's coming from ? Does it just disappear , poof , until you can only sort of make out the space where it used to be ? I guess I 'll find out , won 't I , I 'll see what happens to me without that one good idea . Maybe nothing at all will happen . Yeah , that 's it . Probably nothing . The walls are made of aluminum and Clara is sure that they will rattle with a hollow metallic ring if she brushes against them . She knows she is looking for somebody , but she doesn 't know who . When she steps her feet sink slightly into the floor and lift out of it with a slight sucking sound . Her skin tingles . The walls are rising higher around her like a maze and then they melt away into puddles at her feet and he 's there in front of her . She won 't be able to describe him later . His face is beautiful , but it is indistinct . Clara walks toward him and he reaches out a hand toward her . She brings her fingers to touch him and jumps a little as though it was an electric shock . He catches her up in his arms and kisses her , taking her breath away . She wakes up gasping . Her bedroom is square and sharp after the soft edges of her sleep . She blinks bewildered eyes at the walls that only go up to the ceiling and the mess of clothes she left in the corner last night . The breeze from the window brings a musty smell into the room and a car alarm is going off in the distance in the relentless beep - beep - beep that she 's almost learned to tune out completely . Almost . What a lovely man , she thinks . Clara falls asleep that night half - smiling , wondering if her brain will produce the same man again . She wakes in the middle of the night to stare at the white shape cast by the window and to feel a vague disappointment that he has not returned to her . She dozes again , skimming the surface of sleep and finally sinking beneath it . He is there , and he folds her into his embrace . When she wakes in the morning she can nearly feel the burning imprint of his lips on her skin . Her ears seem to know the sound of his voice , for all that it never sounds in daylight . The next night , Clara does not see the man at all . She wakes in the morning and her stomach is filled with acid and disillusionment . Sleep is nothing but black when she has no visions of love . The night after , though , she falls asleep bitter and she wakes up delighted , for he came back to her . He 's in there somewhere , she thinks , huddled in her mind until she sleeps when he can come to her . The following night she knows she will see him , and there he is . When she wakes she is shivering from his hands , his tongue , his skin on her . She drifts into reveries during the day thinking of the softness of his hair in her fingers and the glint of light that dances in his eyes . Clara begins to resent mornings . When she opens her eyes it means she no longer sees him . Her days are long and she counts the hours until she can be in bed again , with her lover again . It never comes soon enough . Everything bothers her in the daytime . The stairs are too steep and the muscles in her legs strain likes strings pulled too tight . Work seems to freeze time , and when she gets home she is impatient to be tired , for her body to soften enough that she can go to bed . She tries sleeping earlier and waking right before she has to leave for work , but it doesn 't work . She has trouble falling asleep early and when she succeeds she jerks from slumber in the middle of the night and cannot return to it . The rest of the night is a long gray block of longing . Occasionally there is a night that she does not see him . On the mornings after uninterrupted sleep she wakes livid , angry at her brain that it did not produce her lover . She spends all the day in a quiver of irritation until she can rest her head and close her eyes to see him . She has started to notice the process of waking up and the sluggish drag out of the cling of sleep . Her eyes are still closed and her lover still before her , but she can feel the morning come . The light creeps into her room like a thief and robs her of her sleep . She bemoans its loss . Her days are dry and long . Her nights are too short and too beautiful . Clara lives to slip into sleep , where she is loved . I 've never told anyone this before . It 's one of those stories that 's been locked up in of me , tucked into some crevice behind my heart so that nobody can ever get to it . I don 't open up easily . Nobody sees what 's in my insides , and usually I forget to look . It 's much easier that way , if I just pretend that all I have in me is the dark twisting coils of intestines and brains . There 's nothing but blood and guts in there . No truth , no hurt . When I was thirteen my best friend was Ann who lived three floors up . She was two years older and I followed her around everywhere . I 'm sure I was like a little puppy , just tagging along hoping for a rub on the head and an affectionate word . We 'd been friends for ages , and it didn 't used to matter as much . That is , she 'd been the cool older girl but when she was younger she had played mother , pretended to take care of me and laughingly protected me from the terrors of the swing set or the fire escapes . When we got older she didn 't want a kid to take care of when she was hanging out with her friends . I would tag along , yes , but I sat and tried not to be a bother while she did whatever it was that cool older kids did . She got these new friends in high school , Eric and Jay especially , and she spent a lot of time with them . Something about them made my skin cold and my shoulders hunch . Eric seemed to have a thing for Ann right away , and she almost but not quite teased him about it . She would give him that sidelong glance and her eyes slid right over to him and her lashes curved in just such a way that they only did for him , but for ages that was all . He pined after her , putting an accidental hand on her waist and absentmindedly playing with a strand of her hair , while she demurred . I think even she got bored of flirting with him like that . Anticipation can run on so long that you 're not tense with it anymore , you 're just tired . Once she had the boys over , Eric and Jay , just like always , and I left to go downstairs and do some of my homework . I knew she didn 't really want me there because she sent little jabbing glances at me . I stood their pricking for a while and then , stung , I left . When I got into my own apartment my parents were out and my little brother was at a friend 's , so I really had to do homework . I sat and did my math problems , itchy with anger , until I gave up because I couldn 't concentrate . I went back up to Ann 's and her mom let me in and then retreated back to the kitchen . She always did hide from her daughter . I walked down the hall and then I froze . The hallway was long , with the rooms all branching off to one side . Ann 's room was at the very end , and the door was ajar . Through it I could see a sliver of her bedroom , and in the sliver I could see her and Eric . Jay 's laughter was snaking through the crack in the door so I could tell he was in the room , but I didn 't even think about that until later . I could just see Eric , leaning over Ann where she was against the wall , his hands pressed against the wall on either side of her , his face close to hers . She was smiling in a funny sick way , her mouth in a line . Eric slid his hands down to her shoulders and pressed closer , put his face into her neck . Ann said no , Eric , come on . Look Jay 's right there . Stop it . He didn 't stop . He just pushed closer to her . I was standing in the hallway , my whole body cold and my face hot . I burned and froze there , unseen , until my mind came crashing back and I turned and ran . I don 't know if they could hear my feet pounding away but I didn 't look back , I just left . I don 't know what happened after that . When I saw Ann the next day she didn 't act like there was anything wrong . Eric and Jay ignored me like usual . I could have interrupted them , maybe . At least the annoying kid from downstairs might have made them stop , but I didn 't . I stood frozen until I ran like I 'd been scalded and I had to get away and never go back , but I could have done something . 1 . The day before she left , he walked into the bedroom to see May shoving books and clothes into her big overnight bag . She didn 't look up when Brian came into the room , and he didn 't ask what she was doing . He had a lurching feeling in the tangled mass of his gut that if he said anything about what she was doing , she 'd have to tell him why , and her words would unravel him completely . 2 . The day before that , Brian had mentioned that someday he wanted to move out of the city . It would be nice to live somewhere quieter , or at least to live somewhere and stay awake at night because of owl calls and crickets instead of sirens and car alarms . May loved the city . He said he wanted to live somewhere with more trees than buildings , and she scoffed . She said , " Yeah , and go to bed at 10 pm every night , and have a handful of kids and a minivan . Yeah , right . " He had shrugged . She started to say something , and then she stopped . Finally she shrugged too , but not in the way that meant she couldn 't be bothered to argue about it . He was well versed in her shrugs , in the flow and jerk of her body in all its expressions . She shrugged in the way that meant it really didn 't matter to her what he did with his future . 3 . Three weeks before , she had gotten angry at him . They 'd gone to Emily 's party together and sat like a good little couple at the table , commenting on how delicious the food was . He 'd had a nice chat with Patricia , who was sitting next to him along because Neil was on a business trip or something like that . Everybody knew that Neil screwed around ; he practically bragged about it every time he saw anyone . Brian smiled at her a lot , wishing that she wasn 't dating such an asshole . She was a perfectly nice girl . When they got home , May had rounded on him and accused him of flirting with that pasty - faced simpering little twit all night while she was sitting right there next to him . He had protested , because that really hadn 't been how he thought of it at all . He was just being nice to her . They went back and forth for an hour . She asked him tearfully how he thought it looked to everybody else there . He shouted that he didn 't know what she wanted him to do , just ignore the person sitting next to him for two hours , because he wasn 't about to do that . May walked into the bedroom and slammed the door . He waited seven minutes - he knew this by now , five was too short and ten was too long - and then went in to talk to her . Usually they argued for another few minutes and then they both apologized and had make - up sex . Now he went inside , sat down next to her on the bed , and she turned away from him . He tried to talk to her , and she turned back . " Whatever , " she said . " Let 's go to sleep already . " She seemed tired of the argument , tired of caring , and tired of him . 4 . The day she left , May didn 't do anything dramatic . She didn 't write a letter , left on the living room table for him to find later . She just sat down next to him on the couch , where he was reading a magazine . She said , " We have to talk . This isn 't working out , and we both know it . I 'm going to go . I hope that eventually we can be friends , you know ? I 'm really sorry . " Brian had nodded , numb , while she hefted her bag onto her shoulder and walked out of the apartment . In her absence , he melted onto the floor and spread out in wisps , a sprawling puddle . He didn 't know how to pull himself together without her . 5 . When she left , she kissed his cheek in a polite sort of way . That 's what undid him the most . Her lips touched his cheek as if they had never been anything other than casual acquaintances . He didn 't know how she could kiss his cheek and walk away from his life as if they weren 't already entwined and impossible to untangle from one another . If he had gotten up and chased her down the stairs , what could he possibly have said ? Already he didn 't matter to her . He could tell . If I tell you a story , will you go to sleep after ? No more snacks or trips to the bathroom . You have to promise . Crossed fingers don 't count , it 's a promise anyway . You can 't fool me . Okay , listen . Sorry , yes . Once upon a time , in a land far far away , up in the mountains lived a fairy . She wasn 't the kind of fairy that sits around on mushrooms or swoops in to sew for a god - daughter . She 'd always been a fairy . You could tell by the wings that rose like stiff lace from her shoulders , and the fact that she was four inches tall . Most fairies lived in forests , not up mountains , and that was exactly the problem for this fairy . Hush , darling , I 'm getting to the important part . Don 't you know that in order to learn the heart of a story , you need patience ? You must be able to hear your own breaths if you ever want to find the pulse of a tale . Listen . And the fairy was very lonely , for she had no friends . She had lived with her mother and father on the mountain , but they had gone and she had lived for a long time by herself . She was still almost a child , because fairies live so very much longer than we do , but for us her lonely childhood would have seemed a very long time . The mountain was cold for a little fairy by herself , and when it snowed she huddled in a crevice between her favorite stones and imagined that the flurries of white were warm . She had no friends , and so she had a very good imagination instead . The fairy had enough one day . She was tired of wedging herself in a crack in the rocks and pretending she wasn 't shaking with cold . Living alone and lonely was exhausting , and she wasn 't going to do it anymore . The mountain was very tall and very steep , but the fairy was determined to start flying . Her little lace wings held her up as she hopped and skipped from one crag to another cliff . She took a leap off an edge and beat her wings until they blurred in the thin air , and she drifted until she settled on her tiptoes and jumped off again . Finally , after long days and long nights , the fairy reached the bottom of the mountain . I don 't know what country the mountain was in . Sweetheart , it 's a story , so probably it 's in a country that doesn 't exist on this planet . While I 'm telling the story it exists in your head , and that 's the place you should look to find it . The fairy was so glad to feel the crunch of gravel and the satiny shush of dust on her feet that she walked after she left the mountain . She walked through a valley and a plain , and she swam across the river . The water was cold and bright against her skin , and she thought in a lovely delirious blur that she 'd never felt anything so beautiful and pure . Once across the river she was in a field . She walked through the field and found herself in a meadow . At the edge of the meadow - her breath caught - she saw the furry edges of trees bristling on the horizon . The fairy loved walking . The grasses brushed against her feet like friendly cats . But now she was impatient , for she knew that fairies live in the forest . So what do you think she did next ? No , even if you could guess the answer would be the same . Some stories change shape to fit around you , but this one has its shape already . If you close your eyes you 'll be able to see it better . She tried to fly . Running wasn 't fast enough . Only wings could take her to where she knew friends were waiting . The fairy leaped upward and felt the air catch under her wings , and then she sank back down to the ground again . Her knees folded under her , and the little fairy crumpled on the grass . She didn 't understand . What was wrong with her wings ? Stumbling , she pushed herself to her feet again , and she walked across the meadow . She almost didn 't notice the grass brushing against her feet , because she was so worried about her flying . She entered the forehead with a creased forehead and an anxious stare . She almost tripped over someone , who let out a cry and asked who she was . " Yes , " said the stranger , unfolding wings from her shoulders . " I can see that . In fact , I 'm a fairy too . My name is Lianet . You look upset . What 's your name ? " " I don 't know , " said the fairy . " I never needed one before . I used to live on the mountain alone , but now my wings don 't work . " " Ah , " the stranger smiled . " Wings only work on the mountain , in the cold . When you hop down from on high you have more space to fly in , and the frozen air can keep you aloft . Lacy wings like yours won 't work in the forests or the meadows , the fields or the valleys , over the river or through the plains . Sometimes to fly for a minute you just have to climb a tree and jump . " I know you 're very tired , and so we 're almost at the end . Do you think our fairy will give up the glory of flight to live in the forest , where the trees crowd one another and the squirrels chatter at everything that moves ? Yes , I think so too . The fairy thought about it for a while , and then she shrugged . Her lacy wings rippled in the air with the movement . There are worse things , she thought , than jumping out of trees with new friends . She could be flying alone . And so the fairy lives in the forest now , with a new name and a new friend . Sometimes she climbs to the very top of the tallest tall tree , and while she 's there she can see the very tip of the mountain where she used to live . Then she jumps into the air and lets her wings carry her down . She knows that there will be somebody to meet her at the bottom . I 'm a teacher , student , writer , reader , and a couple other things . I live in New York . I think of writing like stories that get caught in my head . They sort of tickle until I can spin them out and pin them down . When I do , I put them here . I hope you like them - let me know . Voix de WilderI have a voice and it 's high time it 's heard . Talkalittledo - For Life Is FunnyReal Life . Real StoriesRANTS AND RAMBLESBecause sometimes , things just need to be said . Stroppy EditorMinding other people 's language . A lot . PostSecretTipsy Litthe publishing imprint of author ericka claysnobberyWill Write For Tuition MoneyThe ravings of a self - proclaimed starving - artistYinzercationYinzer Nation + Education = YinzercationA Confederacy of SpinstersSex , Dating , and Surviving Your TwentiesBorn To PootleBeing the adventures of Jonathan Laury , writer , weird - hunter , beard - wearer and one half of The Conversation Tree Podcast . @ BornToPootle @ TheConvoTreeThe AbandonedJust because you failed doesn 't make it the end , just the beginning . Daniel HaylesBook Hub , Inc . The Total Book ExperienceGrace and CandorSprinkles of Sunshine and Substancehear me outan outletMightier Than The PenMaking The World A Bitter PlacePechorin 's JournalA literary blogBroken CondomsA Mommy Blog for Those Who Never Wanted to Author / Read a Mommy BlogIntrovert Fairy TalesA quiet kind of Happily Ever After |
After months and months of testing , we have a diagnosis . I have fibromyalgia . I 'm so torn about this . I 'm glad to finally have a name for the pain and fatigue I 've experienced for the last year . I 'm so very sad that it is something that I will be living with for the rest of my life . I 've only known for 5 days , I 've started taking medicine 2 days ago . I 'm in shock and denial . I 'll discuss it more later , but for now , I have things to do . Thanksgiving was wonderful . The moment we got back in town , we hit the ground running to get ready for the Christmas party we host every year the weekend after Thanksgiving . I 'm off to do laundry and decorate some more ! Buying a hobby farm was a threat to that love of ours . We can 't put chickens and pigs in a kennel like we would the dogs . It became quite a problem . The first time we went on a trip , we hired our dentist 's son to come down once a day to feed and water everyone . He did it once , then something came up . When we got back , we found out that our dentist actually took care of everyone . Not exactly what we were going for , nor was it his dream for a second job . That is when God intervened . The family with whom we carpooled mentioned their neighbor who watches dogs left at home to make extra money . I called her and found out that she used to live on a farm . Not only does she know how to take care of chickens and pigs , but she could milk a cow for us if we ever decided to go that route . The set - up has been perfect . She and her husband will come over with their grandchildren and stay for hours , playing with the dogs , collecting mail , feeding and watering everyone , and taking any veggies that ripen in the garden while we 're gone . They are thrilled to take the eggs the chickens lay and just spend time on the property . We don 't have to worry one bit about how everything is doing . To be truthful , they are better at taking care of the animals than we are . She talked about holding the chickens that first trip of ours , and I about passed out . How exactly did she catch them ? Another blessing is that she is always available on the holidays , which is when we travel every year . I don 't know what we would do without this family . Which reminds me , I need to call her to let her know when we 're leaving . I tried milk jugs . I bought buckets . I looked at paper mache , paper folding , and paper crumbling . Duct tape had looked promising . In the end , plain old boring cardstock was chosen . A month and a half ago , I offered to help my eight year old 's teacher to come up with an activity to go with the book How to Train Your Dragon that they read in class . Silly me . I thought it would be easy . Let me just say that finding a cheap , easy way to make Viking helmets does not exist . Oh , and they aren 't cheap to purchase , either . There are plenty of ways to make them , but none of them are good for a room full of 8 year olds to do in 15 minutes . So , I went the simple , boring route and cut out the helmet and horns from cardstock for the kids to decorate and glue together before I stapled them to bands around their heads . I then went through something similar to make dragons for them . Stuffed paper dragons , foam cut - outs , or even purchasing cheap ones . Decorate with feathers , crepe paper ? In the end , I went with photocopies of coloring pages . It doesn 't matter what I chose . The kids will have fun as long as I sell it . I planned to have everyone give himself a Viking name , put their individual touches on the helmets , then go on a dragon hunt . I 'd take them on a hike through and around school to the dragon den . Each child would find his own dragon , and we 'd head back . The dragons would of course then wake up , and we 'd have to run for our lives , just like the book . We 'd end up back in the classroom , where the kids would then decorate the dragons and name them . To wrap up , any child that chose could intro himself and his dragon to the class . Great plan . I am excited to do it . Then , at 5 : 00 am , 9 year old vomits in his bed . Plans are shaken . Maybe if I let him sleep , he 'll feel better . He can just stay with the younger boys with my friend who was going to watch them . Great idea , until said friend called to say he had a child vomit in the car in the drop - off lane at school . So , after almost two months of preparations , I had to send the supplies into school with the eight year old . His teacher was going to carry on without me . So much for my Viking name . You might wonder , when and where will the children eat , change clothes , and do homework ? It 's going to have to be the van , as it is supposed to rain this afternoon and evening . I made the choice years ago , when my oldest became a toddler , to avoid fast food like the plague . It was just a matter of how . I went to a Tupperware party and saw a lunch box that would be perfect . I bought three ( and a fourth when the fourth child was born ) . For 9 years we have used these boxes . We 've taken them on every picnic we 've been on . We 've used them in the car when on road trips , so we didn 't have to stop for dinner . Every single day for an entire school year , my kids ate breakfast out of them on the way to school . ( eggs , french toast , cereal , and all ) These boxes have lived through it all . I love them . They are the best things I have ever purchased to help my family eat well and cheaply on the go . Some reasons I like them so much : If you would like some , they are called Lunch - n - Things Containers . I have no affiliation with Tupperware , and I never have . I just want to help you out . I had such a lovely weekend with my mom on our annual shopping trip . It 's my one time each year to actually buy for the family and some Christmas gifts without my little distractions . But the best part is getting to just spend time with my mom . She has had a rough year . At this trip last year , my sister and I finally convinced her that the pains in her chest were not heartburn . Three weeks later she was having surgery to fix the complete blockage in her heart . Then , a few days before her birthday in March , she found out that she had cervical cancer . Over the next few months she went through chemo and an awful haul of radiation . Complications have plagued her the whole way through . Praise God , she has made it through , is feeling well , and is cancer free . So this weekend was extra special . So much in such a short time , we hardly had time to breathe for 365 days . We both enjoyed relaxing , talking , laughing , and buying a sweater or two . Make sure you hug everyone you love every chance you get . Things change so fast . While I unloaded the groceries this morning , I let the toddlers stay outside and play . ( We 're having a streak of gorgeous weather around here ! ) On one trip outside , two year old wasn 't where I left him . I called his name , and he replied , " I 'm looking at it 's head ! " Around the corner I go , and see my son sitting in the grass , looking at the head of a dead opossum . Yes , just a head . No opossum body anywhere around . Now , most moms in this situation would flip out . The first time this happened , I most certainly did . Part of me wishes I still did . The fact that I don 't means I have seen this same scenario too many times . We have two outside dogs . They are so very good to the kids and any other human that comes to visit . They do , however , take pride in ridding our yard of unwanted critters . Sure , I would rather they simply scare the offenders away , but this will have to do . We frequently find carcasses of moles , mice , raccoons , opossums , birds , and sadly , sometimes our own chickens . Once we even found a weasel . We have learned to simply toss the remains out into the field and move on . Our children aren 't even phased by finding a dead animal . They actually get excited when the body finally decomposes and they find the leftover bones . I think the only animals that have alluded them thus far are a skunk and a squirrel . By the smell of the dogs , I know they have tussled with skunks . And we have laughed ourselves silly watching the dogs tree squirrels , then try to jump up and grab them . ( One enterprising squirrel actually jumped from the tree to the garage roof , which you can see in the above photo . There was nothing for the squirrel to grab onto , so it slid down the roof and went flying . As soon as it landed , the race was on again . ) Apparently , only the truly great dogs can capture skunks and squirrels . Roy , the " I was this close ! " Wonder Dog I walked outside to enjoy the beautiful , sunny day . Within seconds , I was completely covered with ladybugs . I looked around and saw that ladybugs were on every surface and swarming in midair . What is it about this house and creepy , crawly bug overpopulation ? ? This first happened our first year in the house , and has occurred again and again over the years . To be fair , they aren 't actually the cute , wouldn 't - bother - a - soul ladybugs . They are some sort of beetle that look exactly like ladybugs . My kids say that they smell , but I haven 't experienced that . ( Side note : I actually discussed olfactory decline with friends of mine , all of whom have five or more children . We all assumed that with so many babies , we 'd be able to smell a bad odor a mile away . Not true . Every single one of us have gotten worse at it as we have more babies . Bad enough that I can 't jump without peeing , but not being able to smell things ? Where does that come from ? ) Back to the bugs . When the bugs do swarm , it 's only for a few hours . The number diminishes , but plenty stick around to irritate me to no end . They are all over every surface in the house , including the ceiling ! I vacuum constantly , with the two year old behind me yelling , " There 's one ! It 's a bug ! " every five seconds . I spent an hour sweeping the house this morning , and as I sit here writing , I can see bugs on the floor and three of the windows . UGH ! What is the life span of a beetle ? It can 't be long . I am convinced that these bugs simply come here to die . They just want a nice place to spend their last 15 minutes of life . I just heard another bug land next to me . Pardon me while I go get my vacuum . We 've realized that winter on a farm can be far from fun . When you have animals , you don 't get to stay cuddled on the couch under a blanket . We don 't have electricity to the coop , so the chickens ' water freezes . And eggs need collected . Regardless of the force of the wind , the drop in temperature , or the amount of snow on the ground , we need to brave the elements and change the water several times a day . If only that were the biggest challenge . For the last few years , we 've had another element of dread . Wild birds . When the weather stinks , wild birds claim the coop as their own . Of course they do . It 's warmer , there 's fresh food and water , and there 's plently of room for everyone . The first time this happened , we had a foot of snow on the ground thanks to one major storm , and Husband was out of town . I trudged out to the coop , opened the door , and about lost my head . At least fifty birds went crazy . They flew into the walls and windows , they dive - bombed my head , trying to get past me , and they sent the chickens into a tailspin . I was living yet another horror flick . ( Anyone seen The Birds , by Alfred Hitchcock ? ) Eventually they cleared out , so I could get back to work . They do come back , though , all throughout the winter months . Because of this , the kids are scared to death to go out and do their chores alone . I can 't blame them . However , it won 't happen this year . We had a bad coyote problem at the farm this summer , and our entire flock of chickens is gone . We very much miss our fresh eggs , but it has been a nice break . I 'm surely painting a target on our farm by saying this , but it should be an easy winter this year . We still have to get the garden ready for winter , and we are taking advantage of the empty coop to get some maintenance done , but we won 't be doing that with a foot of snow or minus 10 degree weather ! I 'm looking forward to some cuddling on the couch with the kids . I love living in the country for so many reasons . At this time of year , I especially love it when I see all those suburbanites wrestling their leaves . Here on the farm , leaves are free to blow where the wind takes them . We will rake up a few big piles to simply jump in for some fun , but that 's as far as it goes . That 's the way I like it . I am not a fan of bagging leaves . Finding volunteer opportunities for our family can be rough . We want to help others , but finding time and place that fits with our schedule and ages of our kids isn 't easy . This year , we found an activity we can do . An announcement in the bulletin at church was calling for families and groups to sign up to help elderly folks in the parish clean up their yards . You 'd think we would learn our lesson to always ask questions and do research before jumping in to anything . But no . We signed up , figuring we could easily take care of someone 's yard . We were assigned to help a lovely widow . We took one look at lovely widow 's yard , and I almost cried . She has a double lot with more trees than I 've ever seen squished into one place . We didn 't need rakes . We simply stood in the middle of the yard in leaves up to our knees and started bagging . An hour and a half and 25 bags later , you couldn 't tell we had even been there . Lovely widow said that her son was going to help , so I felt better . Found out lovely widow 's son is in his sixties . We 're going back today to work some more . Hopefully we 'll get everything cleaned up before the mowing needs done in the spring . The two little boys had just fallen asleep . I was in the middle of writing today 's post when I got a call from school . The eight year old had a collision at recess , and a trip to the hospital was now in my immediate future . Of course , only half an hour before this phone call , I talked with Husband at work . I told him that it was a beautiful afternoon , and he should run outside today . Guess where he was when I called to tell him to meet me at the hospital . Wake babies up , frantically call friends to find someone to watch sleepy babies , leave several messages at Husband 's office . I finally got Eight year old , and he had a large gash through his eyebrow . No butterflying this one . We head to the hospital . And as should have been expected , we had rushed , rushed , rushed so we could wait , wait , wait . Two hours in , I finally talk to Husband to tell him he needs to leave work , pick up the van at the hospital , pick up our kids and our friends ' kids from school , drop off the friends ' kids at the same house he will pick up the little boys , and head home . Three and a half hours in I talk to Husband again to tell him he 's going to have to start dinner , too . We weren 't going anywhere soon . My baby boy did a great job throughout his first emergency room visit . Just enough toughness , but enough little boy that he let me hold him in my lap a bit . Four and a half hours after we arrived , we finally left with five stitches and two headaches . I had just enough time to gobble up dinner that Husband had made before I jumped in the car to take nin year old to basketball practice . Each day Husband and I discuss our plans for the day . By the time the kids go to bed , those plans have changed several times . That 's how it is with kids . Things change in the blink of an eye , and in emergencies , I am so grateful to have such a loving Church family to carry us through . Of all parenting duties thus far , my least favorite by far is potty training . You 'd think that this fifth time around I 'd be ok with it . I knew it was coming . But no . I am more relaxed about it , not getting worked up over accidents . Still can 't stand it , though . Our house is in the middle of our seven acre plot of land , which is surrounded by 200 acres of corn . We can 't see our closest neighbor 's house . I have a lot of boys , so when they are outside playing , I encourage them to " make water " behind any barn . This includes the two year old . The other day , we were getting ready to leave for several hours , so I put a Pull - up on the two year old . Once he had his shoes on , he was outside , playing on the porch . I stayed in to get the one year old and all of our stuff ready . From the kitchen , I hear the two year old yelling , " Mommy , I peed ! " I assume that he has peed in his Pull - up , since history has shown that he won 't pull his pants down on his own . I yell , " It 's ok . I 'll be right there to help . " He continues to yell , but it 's starting to sound like he is proud of himself . I look out the front door , and there is his little bare tush . He has a smile on his face , and once again tells me that he has peed . Sure enough , he has peed all over the front porch steps . I of course have to tell him that I am proud of him for taking the initiative . I am mostly proud of him , until I see the rest of the picture . Before he pulled his pants down , he had actually pooped in the Pull - up . There was poo all over his legs , his pants , and his socks . It is the time of year again that always puts our family on edge . Our first autumn in the country house brought the most unbelievable , creepy experience we have ever had . It started when I was working in the flower beds . I found several large , hairy spiders crawling around in the dirt . I figured it was because the chickens were no longer roaming all over the yard , eating everything that creeped and crawled , and wrote them off . A few evenings later , Husband took the trash out . I heard an odd noise , like he was hosing something down . When he came back in , he explained that there were a bunch of large , hairy spiders on the side of the house . He actually did hose them down . The next day , they were gone , but were back that night , plus more of their friends . Each night the spiders got worse . I called around , but the earliest an exterminator could get here was a week and a half away . By the time a week went by , we had thousands upon thousands of these things crawling all over the outside walls of our house . It looked like the walls were actually moving . A Cub Scout meeting was held at our house during this time , and children had nightmares . Friends came from far and wide to see if we were embellishing the story . We weren 't . The worst part of the whole thing was leaving for school in the morning . School starts at 7 : 30 , when it is still dark . Before we opened the door to leave each morning , I made sure everyone had shoes on and was completely ready for battle . Spiders completely covered the door and the door jam . When I disturbed the spiders by opening the door , they didn 't simply run away . They jumped off and then ran . My children were 3 , 5 , 6 , and 7 at the time , and they were troopers . As soon as the spiders hit the ground , the kids were stomping away , trying to get as many as they could . " Spider juice " as they called it , was all over my floor every morning . Finally , the day of the exterminator was upon us . We purposely did not clean up the spiders that morning . I needed him to see exactly what we were dealing with . He toat Busy weekends can be so much fun , but man are they exhausting . It was our home soccer tournament this weekend , and we have three children playing in the league . We had six soccer games on Saturday , back to back to back . . . , from 8 : 20 am until the last game at 5 : 40 pm . Plus , we had one shift to work it during two of the games . Sunday there were 5 games , but there was some overlap . First games at 8 : 20 , last game at 1 : 40 . Plus , we had to work 2 two - hour shifts . Two of our teams did great ! Our daughter 's team won the championship for her bracket in double overtime . So exciting ! Our 8 year old 's team won all four games , with the last goal of the season being scored by the only child to not score all year . The crown went wild ! Our 12 yr old 's team , not so much . They just couldn 't get the ball in the goal , only scoring one goal in 3 games . Luckily , they won their league standings last week , so the season wasn 't all bad . I have no pictures , since watching soccer games while taking care of two toddlers is a full - time occupation . Oh , and at the end of it all , we still had trick - or - treating ! The whole family fell down exhausted by 8 : 30 last night . I 'm going to try to take a nap . I love a break from school . A day to just hang out in our pajamas , play , read , and make special treats . Today is one of those days . Two of the children woke up wanting to have a Halloween celebration . They gathered everyone to dress in old costumes , then decorate bags , the older children helping the little ones . They went around to the bedrooms collecting little toys and treats . Some music was turned on , and they had a little dance party . Finally , we made some Rice Krispie Treats with black bat sprinkles . ten year old planner helping one year old Learning to read is one of the most exciting and important things your child will ever do . We all know this , and that is why panic often reigns in a parent if a child can 't read fluently by the end of kindergarten . We need to keep in mind that children don 't learn at the same pace . For some kids , it will take time , but it will happen . Your job is to get your child to enjoy books and reading . You are to lay the groundwork for the teaching your child 's teachers ( or you if you homeschool ) will do . So relax . You get to do the fun part ! Ten dos and don ' ts to help prepare your child for reading 1 . Do read to your child ! Even before your child is a year old , he will sit for bits of time to listen and look at the illustrations . Every day , more than once a day , read to your child . Make the library a common errand and check out lots of books each time you go . Get a variety of books , both fiction and non - fiction . 2 . Don 't make your child read to you ! If you force him to read before he is ready , he will hate books and anything having to do with them . You would simply be proving to him , in his mind , that he is not smart . Read to him , and if he asks to read to you , let him and help him . Then read to him some more . 3 . Do read with enthusiasm ! Do you like listening to a speaker who talks in a monotone ? Neither does your child ! You don 't have to use different voices for each character , but use the emotions reflected in the book . If the character is sobbing , sob . Keep it interesting . 4 . Do take the time to look at pictures and ask questions ! The illustrations tell as much of the story as the words do . Point out the expression on each character 's face , discuss the setting , ask your child to predict what will happen next . Find things in the book that compare to your child / family / life . Really get your child involved in the story . 5 . Don 't buy programs , videos , flashcards , or workbooks to teach your child ! You will hear people swear by them . That doesn 't mean you need them . Videos can 't listen to your child , flashcards don 't give your child any context for words , and your child will get plenty of workbooks in school . Your child needs you to help him prepare for reading . 6 . Do make letter identification a game ! Find letters and words everywhere you go . To keep kids busy in the checkout line , have them find each letter of the alphabet in the names of the candies . Use paint , chalk , or even mud to write the alphabet , the child 's name , or any words he 's interested in . 7 . Do let your child see you reading ! Children do what they see others ( especially parents and older siblings ) doing . If you watch TV , they watch TV . If you read , they read . 8 . Do let your child have books of his own to be well - used ( torn up ) ! Keep books accessible and let your children have free reign to them , even when they are still toddlers . You don 't want them stressed about keeping the books in perfect condition . Your child will have certain books to which he is drawn , and those books will fall apart over time . It 's ok . Each bedroom has a bookshelf , including the toddler / baby room . 9 . Do activities to go along with the books you read ! If you read a book on science experiments , do the experiments . If you read a book about a duck jumping in puddles , go jump in some puddles . Connect books to your child 's everyday life , and help him see the benefits of reading . 10 . Do turn off all electronic devices for most of the day ! If given the choice , most children , even kids who like to read , will choose TV or video games over reading . Take that choice away . Take a look next to the post for a list of some of my family 's favorite picture books . Let me know what your favorites are , as we are always looking for more ! We were simply putting the children to bed , reading books and brushing teeth . I hear a child yell from the hallway that something just flew through , and call for Husband to see what the child is talking about . With a pale face , Husband informs me that we have a bat in the house . Huh . Since I was reading to the kids , I told him to just go get something to catch it . I 'd help him if he needed it when I was done . He braved his way through the house , and came back with a blanket and a tennis racquet . I laughed , wondering what he was going to do with them , but by this time , the bat had gone into hiding . We put the kids to bed ( with doors closed so the bat couldn 't get in ) and prayed that it found its way out . No such luck . As I was getting my PJs out of the drawer , a shadow went over me . I looked up to find the bat circling around the room . I yell for Husband , telling him that I found the beast . He crawled into the room with the blanket draped over him and handed the racquet to me . After 11 years of marriage , preceded by 7 years of dating , you would think that I would know that he was scared to death of bats . It really would have been helpful to know this before we moved to a house surrounded by bats . Alas , I took one look at Husband and realized I was going to have to take care of this . The bat was doing lazy laps of our room . Down the hall , back to circle our room , down the hall , back to circle our room . Luckily , one of the windows in our room doesn 't have a screen in it . I opened the window and waited for the right moment . It was time for all of those tennis lessons back when I was 10 to pay off . Down the hall , back to circle the room , down the hall , back to circle our SWISH BAM ! I served that bat right out into the clear night sky . No one is more surprised than me that this plan worked . Over the past five years we 've had four other bats and one bird get into the house . Apparantly Husband is afraid of anything that flies . He has tried , though , to conquer his fear . He will still hide under the blanket , but he will also wield his own racquet and flail around blindly to maybe get lucky and at least stun the bat . After almost being hit in the head by his flying racquet , we came up with a deal . I will take care of the bats . His job is to take care of the influx of mice every harvest . Oh , I hate mice . For years Husband and I have wanted to join the adult volleyball league at church . We have a few friends who play , and it sounds like so much fun . We 've never been able to , though , because it would require us to hire sitters for an hour and a half every Saturday night . It would have bankrupted us . Plus , when we moved out here to the farm , the drive to get a sitter would have just been a pain . Well , the time has come . Our oldest is of babysitting age . I have never been more worried about my children as when we pulled out of the driveway , leaving the 12 year old in charge of his 5 siblings . Granted , we had already put the two little ones down for the night . We had made the expectations completely clear to the rest of the kids before we walked out the door . They had all the phone numbers they could possibly need . The doors were locked . The dogs were on alert . And yet , every horrible scenario went through my head in the 30 second trip down the drive . I only let myself call home once , and when we got home , of course everything was fine . They are good kids , and they were ready for this . It doesn 't mean I like my children growing up . My job as a mom is to raise my children to be independent , confident , responsible , generous , and happy . From the day the oldest was born , I have kept this in mind . Regardless of the fact that I hate to see them grow independent of me , that is what God wants . They are not mine to keep under my wing for their entire lives . With each milestone , from taking first steps , heading off to school , or staying home alone , I have to encourage them and be excited with them , because they certainly are excited . They are doing what they were born to do . By helping them do this , so am I . By the way , we had a blast playing volleyball . Their growing up does have some perks . Before we ever had kids , my husband and I debated which one of us was going to be allergic to dogs and cats when any future children started asking for one . We had no interest in having pets . I was scared to death of dogs . I had been attacked twice in my life , and in the stream of dogs that went through my childhood home , I didn 't get along with a single one of them . And then we move to the country with four children . Coyotes run free out here . We had to get a dog to protect our kids . We searched for a large dog that was good with kids and could live outside . We found what we think to be a Burmese Mountain Dog named Roy at a Humane Society foster home , and he fit all of the criteria . So , one month after moving into our new home , we brought home a dog . In hindsight , we really should have had one more criteria , considering we had free - range chickens all over our yard . The moment we got home , I snapped a leash on Roy and took him for a tour of the property . He enjoyed stretching his legs , exploring the barn , and urinating on every third tree . Then he took an interest in the rooster . I let him follow a few feet behind the chicken , and all seemed fine . We came around to the front of the house , and right smack in the middle of the walkway to the front door the rooster spun around three times and landed in a heap . All I could think was , " What in the world just happened ? Do chickens play possum ? " Thanks to the dog going crazy , I was able to shake myself out of the shock and scream for Husband to get his rear end up here . I let him nudge the bird to see if it was still alive , but no such luck . Apparantly , chickens don 't play possum , but they do have heart attacks . Who knew ? Nothing of the kind was mentioned in our chicken raising books , that 's for sure . So , I learned a hard lesson about chicken behavior ( granted , not as hard a lesson as the chicken got ) , the children learned a lesson about life cycles , and Husband learned how to dispose of a dead chicken . Valuable lessons all . Too bad it was only the first in a long , longat Children go through phases . We all know this . Behaviors and preferances come and go . The one that astounds me every time is the sleepless phase . Why do toddlers who usually get up at 7 : 30 all of a sudden start getting up at 6 : 00 ? And at the same time , only take one hour naps instead of the usual 2 hours . If they woke up happy , I would understand a bit more . Unfortunately they wake up so very sad , and stay that way for days , until their little bodies get back on track . We are in the middle of such a phase right now . My dear little two year old loses his mind when he doesn 't get enough sleep . We 've hit an all new level this week . He cried for 5 minutes at breakfast , because his dry Kix wouldn 't stay in a pile on the side of his bowl . Later , he cried for 10 minutes , because he wanted a diaper change . He doesn 't wear a diaper . There were no tantrums , just sad , pitiful crying , repeating his request over and over . There was no reasoning with him , even though I actually showed him that he had underwear on . Nothing could go right for him all day . I can easily see what is wrong with him . If he would only sleep , all would be well again . But as with horses with water , you can take them to their beds , but you can 't make them sleep . All I can do is take pictures during these meltdowns in order to make fun of him at his high school graduation and make sure that I am getting enough sleep . It would be really bad if both of us lost our minds at the same time . When we bought our first home , we had one child . Three years later , we had four . As they got older , the two bedrooms we had for them to share became far too small , mostly because there were three boys for one room . It was time to find a larger place . We fell in love with the first and only house we looked at . It was a 140 year old Victorian on 7 beautiful acres . There were six outbuildings , one of which was an actual outhouse ( with toilet paper still in it , no less ) . We were ready to put a bid on it , except for one issue . There were 15 free - range chickens wandering all over the yard . My husband and I are cul de sac kids , having only laid eyes on a live chicken once our twice in our lives . We did try to negotiate the chickens out of the deal , but it wasn 't going to happen . If we wanted the house , we were going to instantly become hobby farmers . We read a book about raising chickens , figured it couldn 't be too hard , and went ahead with the purchase of our dream home . I am a woman who refuses to make solid plans in my life , but does whatever comes my way . As a result , I 've taught just about every grade , decorated cakes , owned a photography business , given birth to six children , and bought a 140 year old house that happened to come with a small farm . I am fortunate to have married a man who is responsible and sets goals so I don 't have to . You will often find me either driving our 12 - passenger van around town or disposing of the dead animals that frequently litter our property . |
The people who win are the runners . Seriously , they do the run more than an hour faster than me ! How are people so fast ? ! If I want to get any better , I really need to become a real runner . I think that 's what I want to work on next . What I don 't know is how long I should focus on running . Should I just work on it during the winter then come back into full triathlon training in the spring ? Or should I lay off triathlon for a season and really just focus on running for a whole year ? I 've thought about signing up for the St . George Marathon in October of 2012 , and giving that a shot again . Since it 's at the end of the tri season , I could still do a tri , possibly even Utah Half , along with it . Or should I focus on shorter distances to get faster ? I 'm also worried about getting burnt out if I run too much or getting injured . I really don 't want to get to the point where I hate running . I also want to have time to do other things this winter , like snowboarding so I don 't want anything too big too early in the season . I missed it so much last year and am excited to get back into it this year ! The other question is , what distance do I want my next big tri to be ? I know I want to do another full some day , but is next year the right year or should I just do a half again and keep working on getting faster while George is little ? If I do decide to do a full next year , it will be Vineman , and I 'd love to do the buy 2 get 1 free deal they have on registering for that . If 3 of us signed up , we 'd each just have to pay $ 233 . 33 which is an amazing price for a full ! Plus it would just be so much more fun to have some people to train with ! Does anyone want to sign up for that with me ? ? These are the questions . By Friday I was feeling pretty much all the way better from my cold which , in turn , made my stress level go down too . It was also nice that I had already picked my packet up at the swim clinic so I didn 't have to worry about that . I was now able to just be excited ! ( mostly ) We drove to Heber Friday afternoon when we could no longer stand being in our hot house . It was so much cooler up there at my dad 's house , but watch out for the mosquitos ! We got the kids to bed then my husband , Pete , and I ran to the store to get some more baby food for George ( 7 months old ) . We wanted my dad to have a lot of options for the day ahead . He was worried about feeling like a monster when George got hungry . : ( I slept relatively well , considering it was really starting to hit me what I was going to do in the morning ! George woke up once during the night , then I woke him up again at about 4 : 45 to feed him just before we left . I was feeling nervous and sick , but driving down Provo canyon in my dad 's truck sure helped me forget about it for a little while ! We left our Jeep with him so he could bring the kids if George got too sad , and his truck has really crazy steering plus it 's so big ! Anyway , as we got closer to Utah Lake , there was a huge line of cars that wasn 't really moving , and we saw a bunch of people parking on the side of the road . Pete checked on google maps , and we were only about 1 / 2 mile away from transition so we decided to park . I got all my stuff and my bike and rode in . I told Pete he could go ahead and go back to sleep for a little while . I told him I 'd text him when I got done with the swim . I got to transition just a little after 6 and the race didn 't start until 7 so I had plenty of time . It was still dark and there were mosquitoes everywhere ! I had put bug spray on before we left the house , but I must have missed some spots because I 've got a few itchy spots now to remember that lovely morning . I picked a spot in transition right by someone 's green balloon , with a darker green ballon on the next row so it would be easy to spot . I set up my stuff , and managed to drop the stopper from my race belt into the grass as I was trying to put my number on . Amazingly , I found it even though it was dark ! I brought a bucket to sit on in transition for the first time which was so nice , and just put my wetsuit back into my backpack . I decided I didn 't want to wear my wetsuit , though most people were wearing them . The water was around 76 degrees which is plenty warm , and I just didn 't want to deal with getting the dang thing off afterwards . I got body marked and dropped off my special needs bag . I was number 37 which was awesome and made me feel a little bit like a pro ! : ) After the race director talked to us a little , we cleared out of transition and trekked down to the water . We had to walk quite a ways , and there were some spots that were pretty gravelly . I was a little worried about having to run back with bare feet , but it turned out we would exit the swim closer to transition . Whew ! I got in the water and swam around for a little while , and it felt really nice so I felt good about my decision not to wear my wetsuit . Then I got out so I could see when they pointed out the course , and I started to get cold . I got back in because the water was warmer than the air , but I still felt cold the rest of the time while I waited for my wave so I began to question my no - wetusit decision again . All females were in the last wave , along with the relay and some of the men , and we started at least 15 minutes late . Normally I wouldn 't care about this , but I couldn 't help thinking , " That 's 15 more minutes George will have to wait to eat . " But he was in good hands , and I felt pretty good . I knew he would be ok for half a day without me , even if he got sad . I just tried to not worry about him , and focus on the task at hand . I think I did a pretty good job ! The gun went off . I was at the front of the pack and it got really crowded really quickly so for the first little while I just had to focus on getting around people . Then suddenly it totally thinned out and I was all by myself . Turns out , this was because I was pretty much to the right of all the traffic , but not too far right to be off course . We did 2 laps , but it was kind of a weird shape lap . After the second buoy you couldn 't see the next one because of a rock wall that you had to swim around . I feel like that was a little confusing and might have slowed me down a bit on my first lap . On my second lap I ran into those rocks a little bit , but so did 2 other ladies who were right with me , and who I made it a point to stick with . I felt good and smooth out there , and didn 't think about being cold for one second . It was so nice to just be able to run out and get right to transition without worrying about the wetsuit . Who knows if it would have made my swim faster or not . SWIM 1 . 2 miles - 40 : 10 I didn 't wear a watch so I had no idea what my swim time was . I just didn 't want to get depressed and dwell on my swim time for the rest of the race . I 'm really happy with this time , though since it 's right on what I was shooting for ( not counting the longish run to transition ) , and realistically I thought it would take me 45 since that 's how long it took me to do one loop in my Ironman ! I just felt happy and excited to ride my bike as I got my bike shoes , race belt and helmet on . Then I was off ! As I rode out past the truck , I realized I had forgotten to text Pete when I got to T1 . He was probably still asleep , but that was ok , I would just make sure to text him when I got to T2 . Right away I found myself cruising at 20mph , but I didn 't feel like I was pushing too hard so I kept that up . I figured it was a false flat so it would be harder on the way back . I watched my speed the whole time and made sure it was at least 18 , but it was usually higher ! It was such a flat , fast , fun course ! It was awesome , I loved it ! I passed a lot of people and only a few people passed me . Mostly men . I noticed the lead guy coming back when I was about 20 miles out , and spotted the first woman 12 minutes before I got to the turnaround . I don 't know why but I counted how many women were ahead of me , and I there were about 10 . I could have missed a few because , I hate to say it , but sometimes it 's hard to tell if it 's a boy or a girl . . . Anyways , like I said , the bike ride was really fun . We rode through corn fields and by a dairy farm ( which brought back memories of when I was a kid growing up right by a dairy farm . . . ah , the smell ! ) , through trees and along the lake which was really pretty . The road wasn 't the best , and I saw many ejected water bottles , but thankfully I didn 't lose anything . We did have special needs bags at the turnaround , but I didn 't need mine . I just kept going , which was awesome ! For the last 20 miles or so my back started to hurt and I started to feel a little more sluggish . I kept waiting for that false flat to come back and bite me , but it never did ! I was able to keep my average speed up at 19 . 9 ! Wow ! I looked at my time as I came into transition and about started to cry , I was so happy ! I couldn 't believe how fast that was ! It almost took me 8 hours to do the bike at Coeur d ' Alene so I was going to be happy with 3 : 30 . Cutting almost an hour off that made me ecstatic ! I texted " T2 baby ! " to Pete and knew he 'd be surprised too . He called me back right away to tell me sorry he missed me , he was getting breakfast . I told him it was ok , it was faster than I had planned , but that I had to go . I still had a half marathon to run ! I was so glad my bike was so fast because I knew my run was going to take forever . I could hardly even walk after getting off my bike so I was a little worried . My hip hurt like I had pulled something during the bike ! I started running slowly , hoping it would go away , and it did ! Whew ! I also followed the 2 women ahead of me into the restroom at the beginning of the run , and had to wait a few minutes for my turn . It was probably worth it though . The only thing I 'd complain about with this race is that there were no port - o - potties out on the course . This bathroom was just the park restroom , and it was just where I needed it , but I 'm sure some people had problems with the lack of bathrooms . In fact , I saw a couple girls squatting just off the path at one of the turn - arounds . Like usual , a LOT of people passed me on the run so it was kind of tempting to try to run faster at first , but I had to remember that I needed to run my own race and that meant going slow so I could run the whole thing . I didn 't want to go out too fast and end up with my knee or hip hurting too bad to run the last few miles like I did at the Utah Valley Half Marathon ( speaking of which , I passed one guy on the bike wearing the shirt from that ) . Pete appeared right after the first aid station and said I looked good . I grabbed his hand for a second , but didn 't want to stop and talk . He said , " I 'll see you in an hour . " The run course was 2 loops with 2 out and back sections so you really got to see the other athletes around you a lot . It was fun to smile , say " hi " and " good job " to people I recognized like the lady who was in T1 with me with the purple tape on her leg who always had a smile or a thumbs up for me as well . The run was also really flat , and thankfully most of it was along the river or lake on a shady path . This , along with dumping a cup of water on my head at each aid station , kept me pretty cool . I actually didn 't really notice the heat that much so I was kind of surprised by how concerned Pete was when I saw him again . He asked me if I 'd been walking much and I told him , " No , only at aid stations . " I told him I felt good , and he asked me if I could do 4 more miles . I was like , " Yeah , I can definitely do 4 more miles ! " I really did feel pretty good ! But a few miles after that , I realized he must have been mistaken about that number , and my legs started to hurt . I made it to the second turn around and the girl there told me I was at 10 . 5 miles so I had less than 3 to go , but I felt so bad for the girl who turned around with me who was still on her first lap . Ouch ! I was really hurting , and I started walking for longer at the aid stations , and a little not at aid stations , but not for long . I made myself start running again even though it was really hard ! When I had about 1 mile left , my knee started toI saw Pete just before the finish line and he commented on what a good pace I was running at , but I hadn 't been running that fast the whole time ! I averaged 11 : 42 min / mile for the half marathon . It was a great feeling , like always , running down the grassy area to the finish line ! I had kind of planned on the kids being there because my dad was going to bring them if George got sad , but they weren 't there . It would have been nice to see them , but it was great having Pete there , and he ran down the finish shoot with me ! If I would have known I was that close to 6 hours , I might have tried to push it a little more ! But I think it was really good to not wear a watch because I just had fun and listened to my body . It was such a great race ! I 've never taken advantage of the free massages after a race because I always seem to be in a hurry when I get done , and this was no exception , though they did look very temping ! I just walked over to a shady area with Pete and stretched for a few minutes while he got a hold of my dad to see how George was doing . He was asleep ! And had had been really good ! Wow ! We still wanted to get back soon because we knew he 'd be hungry when he woke up . I really wanted to get in the water for a while , but figured I could just ice my knee later so we headed to the truck . This was when I noticed the heat . It was scorching , and I practically burned myself when I climbed into the back of the truck to put my bike in ! Pete reached in his pocket to get the key and said , " Oh crap . " He didn 't have it ! The though of walking all the way back to the finish line and searching for a single key in the grass in this heat was just overwhelming to me . Luckily , Pete just told me to wait there and ran off to find it while I tried , and failed to get ahold of my dad to see if he had an extra key . Even if he had an extra key , though , he 'd have to drive all the way down there with the kids and we 'd have to wait around for 45 minutes so I really hoped Pete would just find the key ! I was also really hot and my knee hurt . We were parked right by the river so I just went and sat down in the river while I waited . It was like an ice bath , it was so cold ! Then Pete texted me and said he had found the key ! ! Wow , what a miracle ! When he got back he said he wanted to jump in the river too , and I told him , " No , you don 't . Just wade in and you won 't want to swim in it . " He did , and that was enough for him . I dipped myself in one more time , then we headed back . We stopped at Wendy 's on the way home and ordered enough food for 3 people ! To be fair , one of those things was a salad that I ended up eating for dinner so it wasn 't really that crazy . But I did get a cheeseburger and a frosty with fries , which I hardly ever do . George was sad and ready to nurse when we got home , but he was ok . My dad said he wouldn 't drink the formula , but he drank a lot of water and that kept him happy enough . I don 't know if that was particularly good for him , and sure enough he threw up all over after I fed him . Poor little guy . But he was still happy , and I haven 't noticed any other side - effects other than seeming a little extra hungry yesterday . I 'm so glad everything turned out so well , and I was able to have such a fun race ! Now I remember why I love triathlon so much , and I 'm all ready to plan next year 's schedule ! It 'll be good to take a little break , though . I woke up this morning feeling a cold coming on . Oh no . Not again ! I don 't think I 've been sick since Utah Valley Half Marathon in June , and now that I have another big race in 2 days , I 'm getting sick again . What 's up with that ? ! I really hope I can just get over this dang cold in the next 2 days so I 'm taking as much Vitamin C as I can and trying to drink a ton of water . On top of that , George refuses to drink out of a bottle or really eat any baby food . Sometimes he 'll drink from a sippy cup , but I don 't know if he gets enough to be happy that way . Last time he still wanted to nurse afterwards . He did get really excited when he saw me eating bread at dinner so I gave him a piece and he ate some of that . Again , I don 't know if it 's enough to fill him up or anything , though . Hmmm , I just don 't know what to do . My dad 's already said he 's fine with watching him while I race , but I 'm just worried about him being hungry for half the day if he doesn 't eat . I 'm sure if he gets hungry enough , he 'll take a bottle or drink from a sippy cup , though , right ? Of course , I could always have Pete bring him and try to coordinate meeting somewhere on the course so I can feed him , but I 'd really rather not have to worry about that . Today was the first day of school and that went pretty well , other than me forgetting it was a short day and them having to walk home in 100 degrees when I told them I would pick them up . Oops ! Mindy is in 4th grade now , and she was really happy to see her friends again . I was also supposed to get a massage today , which I was really looking forward to . But it turned out to be scheduled for the same time as Mindy 's ballet placement class . That was ok , though , I was just going to drop her off early , get my massage then pick her up a little late . When it was time to go , Mindy came to me and told me she didn 't know where her ballet shoes were and that they probably got contaminated in the flood . Ug ! So , we had to hurry and buy her new ones . Of course the first store we tried didn 't have any so we had to go to the Gateway , which is never a quick trip . Luckily they had her size so we grabbed them and hurried on our way . We ended up getting to the studio right on time instead of early , but then there was some confusion about what time she was supposed to be there . I guess they had planned on the girls her age coming at 7 , but a bunch of us were there who were told to come at 5 . Finally they just said they 'd take them then since that 's what they told us . I hugged Mindy and ran out the door , thinking I 'd just be like 10 minutes late for my massage . But then I got on the freeway which was NOT moving at all and I knew I would be more than a few minutes late . Finally , at almost 5 : 30 when I still wasn 't close , I just called them and told them I wasn 't going to make it . I was dissapointed , but I knew by the time I got there , I 'd only have time for like a 10 minute massage before her next appointment , plus I had to go get Mindy . Stress . The good news is that when I got back to the ballet studio , I saw some of her friends outside acting excited and I heard them say , " I can 't believe Mindy made Grade 2 ! " Then I saw Mindy in the window getting her shoes on , looking SO happy . It was worth missing my massage just to see that look on her face . : ) I went in and asked her , and sure enough she had a little Grade 2 card with her name on it . It 's where her friends will be so she was really excited . I had been planning on doing at least another year of Grade 1 because the Grade 2 flyer says , " 12 + " on it , and Mindy 's 9 . I talked to the teacher , though , and there was no mistake . The bad news is that Grade 2 girls go 3 times a week so it 's more money ( ahem , flooded basement anyone ? ) . But we really want her to be able to do this , so we 're going to make it work . I 'm so proud and happy for her ! We had to walk to the store after dinner and pick out a treat to celebrate ! ( She picked all natural strawberry popsicles ) Only 3 more days until Utah Half , and I 'm in full taper mode . My training has decreased a lot , and I should be eating less too , but I don 't know if that 's actually happening . I did weigh myself last night and was happy to see 140 . 6 on the scale ! What an awesome number ! That seems like a pretty good race weight , doesn 't it ? I really haven 't done much since I got back from North Carolina . I took Wednesday off to recover from my trip , ran with the stroller and the kids at the park on Thursday , did a swim / bike brick on Friday , and an 8 mile tempo run on Saturday . That tempo run hurt too ! This week . . . Oh it 's only Tuesday . It feels like it 's later than that ! I 've " slept in " the past 3 days , and that 's been nice . I just ran for 30 minutes with George in the stroller at his bedtime last night . It was so cute , he was asleep after less than 10 minutes . I felt really good too ! Today I lounged around the house and did a bunch of cleaning until the evening when we went to Orem / Pleasant Grove to pick up my bike from getting tuned - up then the swim clinic for The Utah Half . It was really fun ! It was taught by last year 's winner , Heath Thurston who is a really cool guy , a good teacher and a really fast pro triathlete . It was awesome to hear all the advice he had to give , though there was so much , I 'm sure I 'll forget most of it . We did a little swimming with the group that was there . I wore my wetsuit , but Heath said he almost always choses not to wear a wetsuit because it makes it so you can 't feel the water and you forget about your form . I don 't really love wearing a wetsuit anyway , and it always takes me forever to get it off so I 'll probably go without on Saturday . The lake should be warm enough that it won 't be a problem . We didn 't actually swim in Utah Lake for this clinic so I don 't know exactly how it will be , but there was a lady there without a wetsuit and she said she thought it would be fine . We 'll see . We had a pretty big group and we practiced doing a group start a couple times which was really good to do . It just made me feel more prepared and excited for Saturday ! The awesome thing about the little pond we swam at was that it was a great place for Pete and the kids to play and watch me ! It was a really cool place . Some people from Winder were there giving out chocolate recovery milks to the athletes , and they were kind enough to give one to my children and my husband . We didn 't end up leaving until after 8 so the kids were all tired , but we hadn 't had dinner either so we thought we should stop at In - N - Out to get something for them to eat on the way home . Of course , a full burger after chugging a whole chocolate milk gave all the kids tummy aches so it probably would have been better to just come strait home . We didn 't get the kids to bed until 9 : 30 or so ( though they did sleep a little in the car ) and tomorrow 's the first day of school ! Yikes . Parent of the year here ! Hopefully they 'll sleep well and not be too tired for their big day tomorrow . . . Tuesday morning I had kind of planned on going on a short run , but with how tired and sunburned and chafed I was , I couldn 't get myself to do it . Instead we slept in until 8 , packed up and check out by 10 . We went and hung out at my grandparents house , met some of their neighbors and showed off my baby . Here 's George doing some planks with his great grandma . The flights home were so much better than the flights out . He hardly cried at all , and mostly slept on the long flight since it was past his bedtime . I 'm thinking it was because he was over his cold , and I was so glad ! We had dinner at Chili 's in the Atlanta airport too so that was fun . On the long flight , at one point he woke up just long enough to look at me , say , " Mmmm , " touch my face then go back to sleep . It was pretty much the sweetest thing ever . What a great little vacation this was ! Even though I had George with me , I still had significantly fewer people to take care of and got some good relaxing time in . There was no one to get after or make sure they were doing what they were supposed to . I really love my kids , and I spent the whole time thinking about how much they would have loved it there , but it was also nice to take a little time away . Pete was wonderful to take care of them by himself while I was gone , along with taking care of our latest flood . Yep , another flood . That makes 5 in the 3 years we 've lived here . This time it was from the sewer so we had to have the carpets , mats , linoleum and bottom 2 feet of drywall ripped out . It 's pretty much a mess down there right now . Luckily it 's all cleaned out , but it 's not really livable down there so the girls have been sleeping upstairs and we 've pretty much cut our square footage in half so we 're in a little bit closer quarters than we 're used to . It should be all fixed up in a few weeks . Meanwhile we 've got the first day of school on Wednesday , Utah Half on Saturday , then my birthday the next week . We 'll just have to try not to get too stressed out . . . Day 3 was Sunday so it was a rest day . We went to church at the little Morhead City ward , then to lunch with my grandparents at The Olive Garden . Then it was back to the beach for some more relaxing . We went for a walk and collected a bunch of shells to bring home to the kids . This was a really nice day , but I didn 't take any pictures so it doesn 't get its own post . : ) Monday we had a nice leisurely morning , then headed down to the beach at about 9 : 30 . It was so nice because my grandma rented chairs and umbrellas for us that they set up every morning so we had a nice place to sit . George fell asleep pretty quick so I decided to take this chance to get my swim done while Katie sat with him . I was super nervous about swimming in the ocean . I 've watched a few too many animal attack shows on Animal Planet at my dad 's house , not to mention Jaws . I know the chances of being attacked by a shark are so rare , though , especially here so I was brave and just fought my way out to past where the waves were breaking . It was surpassingly calm out there . I 'd feel swells sometimes , but most the time I hardly noticed the waves as long as I was careful to stay out far enough . I swam for what seemed like forever , but hardly went anywhere so I think I went against the current . I saw another guy out swimming so I said hi , and he told me he was doing a little triathlon with his daughter . Fun ! After talking to him , I swam back to check in with Katie and see how long I 'd been out . It had only been about 23 minutes so I went back out to do it again . This time I felt more relaxed . Really the hardest part was getting out past the waves . It was so salty too ! My mouth felt like it was coated with salt by the time I got back , and I was covered in green slimy stuff . Plus my swimming suit was chafing so bad ! I should have known not to forget body glide when swimming in salt water ! Well , you learn something new every day . Then we walked back and my grandma sat on the beach with George while Katie and I played in the waves . We didn 't have any boards or anything , but it was so much fun ! I felt like a kid again just playing in the waves and catching a few rides ! I tried to teach Katie how to catch the waves and she caught a few , but we just had fun jumping and diving around too . And just like a little kid , I didn 't even think about reapplying sunscreen . We were out in the sun for a total of about 5 hours , and when I went to bed that night I noticed that my skin was practically glowing red ! Ouch . When will I ever learn ? That on top of my chafed underarms made it hard to sleep . I thought it might be a little chilly when I got up because it was still dark and it was cold in our condo , but as soon as I opened the door , I knew that would not be the case . It was very warm already at 6am . My plan was to run nice and slow so I could enjoy the sights and still feel good by the end , and it worked ! I did NOT run on the beach . Whenever I told people I went running , they assumed I ran on the beach , but that would have been very unwise to do my long run on terrain I 'm not used to at all . Running in that loose sand would have killed my calves ! Anyway , I ran on the sidewalk , and the road when there wasn 't a sidewalk , down to Fort Macon which was about 5 miles . It was so fun to watch the sun rise while I ran , and here 's where it was when I got to my destination : One of the reasons I was excited to run to Fort Macon is that it 's a state park and it said there were bathrooms there on the map . Yay , bathrooms on a long run are a must ! But , I had to go under a gate to get in , and the sign on the gate said it opened at 8 . It was about 7 when I got there , but I was still hopeful there would be an open public bathroom . No such luck , though . They were all locked up . I felt ok though , so I ate my margarita shot blocks ( which were really good ! ) and refilled my hand - held water bottle at the little foot showers ( hoping the water was good to drink ) because I was about out , then headed back . It 's weird because I 'm not used to drinking that much when I run at all . Even on my long runs , I usually just take a few sips when I need to take my gel , but with the humidity there , I was so glad I decided to bring water since I was so thirsty the whole time ! On the way home , I kept an eye out for a bathroom . It took a while , but I finally got to a public beach with a bathroom . This was such a welcome site because I was to the point of having to walk a little on and off . When I got up to it , the sign said , " bathhouse hours : 8am to dusk " and I wanted to cry ! Luckily it was open , though ! Whew ! I felt much better after that , but decided I 'd just be done when I got back to the condo even though it would be closer to 10 than 12 miles because it was taking me forever . I ran on a little boardwalk on the beach , then just stayed on a little road that was different than the one I came out on , thinking it would take me back to the main road before I got to my condo . It did put me back onto the main road , but after I 'd been running for a lot longer than I thought I 'd have to run , I noticed I was getting closer to the Sheraton then I remembered being . I took out my phone , looked at the map , and sure enough , I 'd got 1 . 3 miles past our condo ! Oops ! I texted Katie and told her that since I knew she 'd be waiting for me , then turned around and just kept plugging along . I was soaking wet , and had just finished my water by the time I got to our parking lot , but I was so happy to be feeling really good ! It had taken me 2 . 5 hours instead of the 2 I had planned , and I ended up going 12 . 5 miles ! This run was a really good confidence booster for my upcoming race . It may have been slow , but I can do the distance ! : ) George was still asleep when I got home too ! Katie was so sweet and made me some eggs , and I made a smoothy to go with them . Then we went right down to the beach so I could soak in the ocean for a little while . Of course , you can 't just float in the ocean ( at least I can 't ) so I ended up playing around and riding waves for about 20 minutes while Katie sat with George . The rest of the day was very relaxed . We went to lunch at The Rudy Duck with my Grandma , and I wore my compression socks as we walked around and looked at some souvenir shops . Katie said , " I can 't believe you 're wearing that . " But it made my legs feel better ! Then we went back to our condo and watched the first half of the 6 - hour Pride and Prejudice and had french toast and sausage for dinner there . What a great day ! Friday , August 12 , Pete and the kids dropped my sister , Katie , George and me off at the airport at 6am . This was going to be George 's first flight , and my first flight with a baby . George was actually the first one of my kids to ride on a plane , and yes , the other kids were jealous . He was so sweet , we got on the plane and he played for a few minutes , then he just laid down on Katie 's lap and fell asleep for take - off . He slept for about 45 minutes like that . So sweet ! He woke up for a while , and I learned that there 's not really anywhere to change a baby on an airplane . I had to change him on my lap in the tiny bathroom . He was just happy and played some more , then I put him in his sling and he fell back to sleep . All together now , " Awwwwww " The only part of the flight that wasn 't good was the landing . As soon as we started descending , he started crying so hard ! It was so sad ! I didn 't realize until after this that he had a cold . I 've flown with cold before and couldn 't believe how much it hurt so I kind of knew how he felt . Pool little guy . We were in Atlanta for about 2 hours , then flew to New Burn which was a quick flight with another sleepy take - off and a really tough landing . Poor George . By the time we 'd landed I was about ready to stay there forever so I wouldn 't have to put him through that again ! Of course it was fun for my Grandma to meet him too . Everyone just loves this little boy ! It was dark by the time we got to our condo so we just took a short trip to the beach with the stroller my Grandma had rented for us to check it out , then got settled in . It was tempting to postpone my long run since we 'd spent the whole day traveling , but I decided to head to bed early ( kind of ) and wake up early to run for 2 hours . . . This summer is just flying past ! It 's been fun , but super busy , and I hate to see it go ! Last Tuesday ( I can 't believe it 's already been a week ) I met Amy and Heather at a little splash park in Lehi so our kids could all play . Then Friday , after my 10ish mile long run , we drove down to St . George to stay with our friends . Their son was getting baptized on Saturday and we wanted to be there for that . I brought my bike , though , so before the baptism , I was able to get my long ride in . Starting in Santa Clara , I rode up through Gunlock to Veyo then back down through Snow Canyon . Most of that ride is part of the course for the St . George Ironman , and man was it hard ! It took me 2 hours to get to Veyo , which was only 22 miles . That was probably the hardest 22 miles I 've ever ridden , and you have to do it twice in the Ironman ! While I was riding it , I decided that whatever inkling of desire I had to do St . George Ironman was now gone . There were a couple points where I didn 't want to go on , and I felt like crying . Yeah . Plus I lost my gel flask somewhere and didn 't notice until I was halfway up " The Wall , " and starting to think about taking another serving . There was no way I was going back down to look for it so I was pretty hungry by the time I got home . But like I said last week , I 'm not used to hills anymore . I haven 't been training on them at all . I think if I rode a lot of hills , it might not be totally unforeseeable to do that twice ! Maybe . Someday . Ouch . But not in the near future . I don 't know , but I can say that whoever came up with that course is mean . When it took me 2 hours to get to Veyo , I was worried that by the time I got back , George would be hungry and that I wouldn 't have much time to get ready for the baptism . Amazingly , when I got home , George was still asleep and I had just enough time to get ready , even after a 20 minute recovery run and a good stretch . Nice ! Our friends have the same amount of kids as us who are about the same ages and they love to play together . Their youngest is 3 months older than George . That 's right , I said older . Look at how little and sweet she is ! It was so fun to see her and imagine what George will be like in a few months . George was very interested in her . I think she help him improve his crawling a little bit too . Here 's the young man who was baptized . I can 't believe he 's 8 ! He and Mindy have been friends since he was born . She and Ethan were both really excited to see him . It had been way too long since we 'd seen them ! When we got home Sunday night , I realized that my new aero bar pads had blown off during the drive ! What ? ! Somehow they made it to Heber and back , then down to St . George , but they didn 't make it back . I was devastated when I saw this . The guy at the bike shop who sold them to me even told me I should put some adhesive on them or at least put a rubber band around them when they were on the car . I had totally forgotten about that , and now I felt so stupid that I was going to have to go back in there to see if they had any more . The crazy thing is that he was surprised they had them in the first place and I was so happy to just get them instead of having to order them , so I was pretty doubtful they 'd have more . When I called them the next day , they confirmed this . So I 've got some ordered , but they 're supposed to take a week and a half ! UG ! Anyway , the fun thing about getting home was that there was a package of new diapers there waiting for us ! They are sunbaby brand , and I got 12 of them in several different colors for $ 60 which is a great price . They are so cute ! I 'm excited to try them out ! This weekend was so much fun ! Friday I did my long run . I was going to go for 90 minutes , but ended up having to add probably 10 minutes on because a train was stopped on the tracks the way I had planned on going . Oh well , it turned out ok . I got to my turn - around point , the base of City Creek in 54 minutes . Have I mentioned how much I love the drinking fountain up there ! ? Coming down was much quicker , and luckily the train was gone by the time I got back there so it took me 44 minutes to get home . My total time ended up being 98 minutes so I 'm going to say I did about 9 and a half miles . It was fun ! My knee was hurting a little most of the way home , but it wasn 't anything serious enough to make me walk or anything , and it didn 't hurt after I stopped . I hope if I 'm diligent about my stretching , it will get better and not cause me problems at Utah Half . Friday night we went up to Heber where we spent the night at my Dad 's house so Pete and I could wake up early and go ride together while my dad and step - mom watched the kids . I fed George at about 6am and we left by 6 : 30 so we told my dad we 'd be back by 9 : 30 . I knew George would be hungry by then , but I hoped it would be ok ! At first it was a little chilly so we both had jackets , but we promptly took them off before the first big hill . We rode up around Midway , then up , up , up to Francis . Yikes , I am not used to hills anymore ! It was fun to have some challenging terrain and beautiful scenery for a change ! It was also great to be able to ride with Pete ! It 's been a little ridiculous that I 'll go ride for 3 hours , then come home and he 'll go ride for 3 hours so we hardly see each other most Saturdays . I just felt so happy to be out there the whole time , and it was so beautiful . At one point , I asked Pete , " Ok , when are we moving back here ? " He reminded me that we don 't have to move there because we have people there we can visit . Oh yeah . Nice . Here we are at the Joranelle overlook after we 'd been riding for about an hour . That hill was extra hard for me , and I couldnPosted by |
Bible - times people in robes and sandals walked along a dusty road toward Bethlehem . Joseph led a donkey carrying Mary up to a Roman soldier seated behind a rough table in the shade under a tree . Then scenes of the Nativity filled the screen as a voice told us that Judea had been ruled by Rome for a hundred years , but the prophets said that a Redeemer would be born to bring them salvation . I was watching Ben Hur with my Mom 's friends , Mr . and Mrs . Stewart , who sat with me between them in the dark theater . I was eight years old . It was weird that these two grownups would take me to the movies , especially the night before Christmas . They were nice folks and everything , but I figured my Mom must have wanted me out of the apartment for awhile . Maybe she knew my stepdad was going to be in a bad mood . She was always telling me to go to the store or go outside and play when she saw him starting to get mean . Maybe that 's why she sent me to the movies on Christmas Eve . I tried not to think about anything but the movie . The voice in the movie kept talking about Jesus times and the Romans . I knew the story of Jesus , of course , we talked about it all the time in Sunday school , but I didn 't know what he had to do with this Ben Hur guy . The posters showed four white horses pulling a chariot in front of an ugly statue with a bunch of Roman soldiers and people in robes and stuff standing around . There wasn 't any cross or anything else about Jesus in the poster . Finally , the Nativity scene ended and there was a Roman riding through the streets leading a big army . The screen said " Anno Domini XXVI . " I didn 't know what that meant , but it didn 't matter ; the Romans were cool . Horns blared loud fanfares and drums beat out a heavy march while the Roman soldiers carried their banners on tall poles with eagles on top . I thought maybe the guy on the horse was Ben Hur , but then someone called him Messala . I knew from the way he was talking about crushing the Jews and stuff that he was the bad guy . Mr . and Mrs . Stewart walked me home that night . Like us , they didn 't have a car . We could walk or get around pretty well in Indianapolis on the bus if you had to . That night it was cold , but there wasn 't any snow . Mom made me wear my big coat , wool cap , mittens , and a scarf - - all of it over a tee shirt , long - sleeved shirt , and a sweater ! I left my coat open on the way home and didn 't put the ear flaps down on my cap so at least I didn 't look like a total fruit . As we walked , Mr . Stewart asked me what part of the movie I liked best and I told him it was the chariot race . Not when Messala got run over , but when Ben Hur made his horses jump over a big wreck and he got thrown over the front of his chariot and didn 't even get killed . The battle with the ships was pretty neat , too . Mom opened the door and invited the Stewart 's in , which was really weird . It was almost midnight ! The living room was dark but I could see my stepdad silhouetted in the doorway to the kitchen . He was leaning against the door frame , but he was holding a coffee cup instead of a beer , so everything was probably all right . " Shhh , " Mom said . " The baby 's asleep . " Then she plugged in the Christmas tree . The red and green and blue bulbs made just enough light for me to see four plastic chariots frozen in mid - race on the floor . An army of miniature Roman soldiers marched in a line behind them . Some of them carried those banners with eagles on top of the poles . Excited , I flopped down to look at them from floor level . " Wow ! " I said . " Just like the movie ! " " Santa came while you were gone , hon , " Mom said . " What do you think ? Did he do OK ? " I rolled over and jumped up to put my arms around her waist and buried my face in her stomach . " Don 't thank me , thank Santa . " " Oh yeah . Okay . " I had figured out Santa last year , but it didn 't hurt to play along because it made Mom feel good . I looked up at her . " Boy , I can use these with my Alamo fort . Can I get it out now ? " " Oh no , you don 't , " she answered with a smile . " It 's way past bed time and we 've got church and then a long bus ride to Aunt Fay 's tomorrow . That 's why Santa left your present early . Off to bed , now . " I knew better than to argue , so I headed off to the bedroom I shared with my baby brother . Mr . and Mrs . Stewart wished me a merry Christmas and I heard them telling Mom I was a little angel during the movie . I closed the bedroom door , put on my pajamas , and crawled into bed . The baby was breathing softly with a little snuffle from a cold . I tried to stay awake thinking about how I could set up the tin Alamo walls so it would look like the chariot race place , but I drifted off . That spring we got a car , a clunky old Buick without fins , but at least we could go places without the hassle of the bus . Mom drove the baby and me up to Aunt Fay and Uncle Frank 's house for a couple of weeks after school let out for the summer . She said my stepdad had to stay behind to keep looking for work . Mom said we all needed some fresh air and Aunt Fay 's house was the best place she knew of to get it . My Uncle Frank managed the co - op feed store in Buchanan , a really small town about an hour from Indianapolis . He was a great big guy with short curly hair and strong hard hands made rough by throwing around heavy sacks of feed . Aunt Fay was tall , too , but she was kind of skinny . She worked in her garden and cleaned her house all day long . Mom said Aunt Fay 's house was cleaner than a hospital and weeds wouldn 't grow in her garden because they were afraid of her . I really liked my aunt and uncle . They looked tough but they weren 't that way at all . My cousin Jerry and I used to wait on the porch for Uncle Frank to come home from work . When we heard his truck , we 'd hide behind the bushes on either side of the steps and hold our breath until he came up the sidewalk . Then we 'd jump out and each grab one of his legs and hold on tight . It was like hugging a walking telephone pole . Uncle Frank was so strong he would just keep on walking as if he didn 't have a kid wrapped around each of his legs . He 'd march right up the steps and into the house and tell Aunt Fay he 'd worked so hard today that his legs felt like they were stuck in cement . Then he 'd look down and pretend he just noticed us . That was the signal for each of us to grab one of his hands and get swung up onto his shoulders . He could lift us both at the same time and laugh while he was doing it . Aunt Fay was real nice , too , although she was pretty strict about washing your hands and face and saying your prayers and stuff like that . Mom called her " Sarge " because she 'd been in the Women 's Army Corps during the war . Mom said that when I was a baby we lived with Aunt Fay and Uncle Frank , but I don 't remember that . Aunt Fay really liked babies . You could tell by the way she 'd stop whatever she was doing whenever my brother pulled himself upright and took a couple of steps . He was just learning to walk . He would crawl over to a chair or something else to hold on to , then stand up and lurch away from it . He could usually go about three steps before he 'd lose his balance and sit down hard on his behind . He did it so often he wasn 't even surprised anymore and so he 'd just sit there and laugh . Aunt Fay always went " Boom ! " when he plopped down and that made him laugh even more . After a couple of days , he started saying " Boom ! " himself whenever he sat down . Then he 'd clap his hands and laugh so hard sometimes he 'd roll right over on his round bottom . I was just a year younger than my cousin Jerry , but he was about a head taller than me . We roamed all over Buchanan on our bikes . I even got up real early to help him with his paper route . One morning after we had delivered all the papers , Jerry and I stopped on the way home to try out the new slingshots Uncle Frank had made for us . We snuck into one of the neighbor 's gardens and filled our pockets with hard green grapes . Green grapes made great ammunition because they were just about the size of marbles and pretty hard . They were lots better than rocks . We walked our bikes along the gravel road , stopping every now and then to take a shot at a fence post or one of the glass insulators high up on a telephone pole . There was a big corn field next to Aunt Fay 's house and the utility wires that ran along the road were always full of birds . When we got there , Jerry pointed at the line of birds on the wire above us , loaded his slingshot and fired almost straight up . He missed and the birds didn 't even flutter . I started to snort a laugh then clamped my hand over my mouth to keep from startling the birds . I pulled a handful of grapes out of my pocket and picked through them until I found one that was perfectly round and slightly larger than the rest . I stretched the band back to my nose and sighted in on a fat black starling on the wire ahead . When I released it , the grape sailed along an arc directly at the bird . It seemed to go into slow motion at the end of the flight just before it struck . The starling 's feathers muffled the sound and the grape fell to the ground . The bird didn 't move for a second , then it just slipped off the wire and fluttered to the ground as the rest of the flock jumped into the air and swept away over the corn in the whir of a thousand wings . Jerry and I sat on our heels looking down at the starling . I couldn 't see any blood or anything , but I knew it was just about dead . Jerry didn 't say anything . I reached down for it and he grabbed my hand away . " Cooties " is all he said . The starling lay in the dust on its side . It jerked its head and one eye looked right at me . My breath caught and came shallow when I saw what I had done . The bird 's eye was bright red and a single drop of blood had squeezed out beneath it . My baby brother had been crying and fussing for several days . He didn 't want to eat and Mom had to rock and rock him to get him to settle down . Even then , he would only sleep a little while before he woke up crying again . Finally , Uncle Frank drove Mom and the baby to see the only doctor in Buchanan , Dr . Hestler . Mom said I could go but I had to be quiet . Dr . Hestler was a rumpled old guy with gray hair and glasses . He wore a white shirt with the sleeves rolled up and a vest that was unbuttoned so his stomach could poke through . His office was full of sturdy and very old oak furniture . The examination table was a wooden platform padded by a folded wool blanket covered with white paper from a role at the end . The only decoration on the wall was a calendar from Uncle Frank 's feed store . Dr . Hestler looked in the baby 's eyes and ears and mouth . He took his temperature and blood pressure and listened to his heart . The baby squirmed and whimpered the whole time . He asked Mom if the baby had diarrhea and told her to give him plenty of fluids . He said there wasn 't any fever , so it probably wasn 't anything serious like a bad appendix , maybe just an upset stomach or a little gas . He said to come back in a couple of days if nothing changed . We went back to Aunt Fay 's , but Mom said she was still worried . Aunt Fay said that Dr . Hestler was a good man and had probably seen hundreds of babies acting just like this . Besides , he was the only doctor in town . If Mom wanted to see someone else , she 'd have to drive clear back to Indianapolis . Mom told Aunt Fay she didn 't want to do that because my stepdad was there and he might find out she was back in town and she didn 't want to get him stirred up again . The baby fussed all that night and the next day . He wouldn 't eat and when they tried to get him to drink some water , he just kept spitting it back out . Then he would turn his head away and clamp his little lips shut . It was Wednesday , so we all went to prayer meeting after supper , except Mom and Boomer , of course . I felt guilty because I was glad to go just to get away from the crying for awhile . But Aunt Fay said she was going to ask Reverend Larson to say a special prayer for the baby and we should all use our silent prayer time to do the same . That made me feel better . I figured that I would add some more prayers before I went to bed and that Jesus was sure to hear us , there would be so many people asking him for the same thing . Mom looked worn out and sick herself when we got home . Aunt Fay mixed a little sugar in the baby 's bottle and he finally took a few swallows . Then she added a little whiskey to the sugar water to settle his stomach and help him sleep . He took a couple more swallows and slipped off with the nipple still in his mouth . Mom finally fell asleep in the rocker with the baby on her lap . Aunt Fay left them both to sleep in the chair and we all went to bed , too . " Dear Jesus , " I prayed from my bedside in Jerry 's room , " Please make Boomer get better and don 't let Mom be sad anymore . I love you , just like Aunt Fay says , so please make Boomer feel better . I know you can do it . Thank you . Amen . " I went to sleep right away . Mom 's shrieks racked the house . I couldn 't get my bearings at first , then I remembered where I was and scrambled out of bed and ran to her room . Aunt Fay ran through the door just ahead of me and fell to her knees to see the baby laid across Mom 's lap . " He 's not breathing ! " Mom yelled . " Do something , Fay ! " I stepped closer and could see the baby jerking weakly . His face was turning from red to blue . Aunt Fay stuck a finger in his mouth and pulled it open . She covered his mouth and nose with her mouth . Then her cheeks puffed out as she breathed into the baby 's lungs . She lifted her head , took a deep breath , and did it again . The baby whimpered faintly . " I don 't know , but we better get him to a hospital , " Aunt Fay said . " That was a convulsion ! " She was still on her knees and reached up to lay her hand softly on the baby 's back . The baby sort of gagged and went rigid . Aunt Fay snatched him away and laid him on the floor and his back snapped into an arch . Again she opened his mouth with her finger and started blowing air into his lungs . When his little body slumped back to the floor and he took a breath on his own , she looked at Mom and asked her if she thought she could manage the drive to Indianapolis . Uncle Frank stayed with us while Mom and Aunt Fay took off for the hospital an hour away . I was so frightened I was numb . All I could see was the baby jerking up and down on the floor . Uncle Frank sat down in the rocker and pulled me onto his lap . " That 's OK ; go ahead and cry , " he murmured into the top of my head pressed against his chest . " I 'm scared , Uncle Frank . " " I know you are . But don 't worry . The Good Lord Jesus will take care of you and the baby and your Mom , " he whispered . " Sweet Jesus takes care of us all . " We all just sat around the next morning , waiting to hear what happened . Uncle Frank said there wasn 't anything we could do but wait and pray . Jerry turned on the TV but there wasn 't anything to watch . They only got one channel from Indianapolis and it had some stupid show about cooking with a woman wearing a dress and an apron and a pearl necklace . She looked like she was getting ready to go to church . I never saw my Mom or any other lady I know dress like that when they were cooking dinner . So Jerry turned it off and put on the radio . " The Battle of New Orleans " was playing and then the station gave the news . It was all about some guy who got shot down by the Russians and how he confessed he was a spy for the U . S . , but President Eisenhower said he was really a hero . Jerry turned it up louder when they started talking about sports . Stan Musial was my favorite player but Jerry was a Cubs fan and he liked Ernie Banks , even though he was a Negro . Uncle Frank said they were both real heroes because they didn 't play for money , they played because they liked to . He said Stan Musial even asked for a salary cut this year because he didn 't play very well last year . Uncle Frank said that showed what a fine man he was . The radio said that both teams won yesterday . The Cubs beat the Dodgers and the Cardinals beat the Giants . Aunt Fay finally called just before lunchtime . She told Uncle Frank that the baby just came out of the operating room and would be in intensive care until he started breathing better on his own . Uncle Frank handed me the phone and she told me Mom was okay but she couldn 't talk to me right now because she was sleeping in the waiting room . I didn 't understand everything , but Uncle Frank explained it as best he could . The baby had gone into convulsions three more times on the way to the hospital . That 's why Mom was driving ; so Aunt Fay could give mouth - to - mouth and keep him alive . A doctor rushed the baby right into the operating room and , when they cut in , they found a blockage in his intestine that had become gangrenous and a really high fever had set in . That 's what caused the convulsions . No one knew what caused the blockage . It was just one of those things that happens sometimes . After lunch we sat around and listened to the radio some more , waiting for word from Indianapolis . Then Jerry remembered something . " Sure , that 's a good idea , " Uncle Frank said . " It don 't do no good for you just to sit around here waiting for the phone to ring . That sound good to you ? " He looked at me where I sat with my chin propped up on my crossed arms . " Yeah . Sure . OK , " I said . I had already seen the movie , of course , but there was some neat stuff in it like the sea battle and the chariot race . It was weird that the movie was just getting to Buchanan , but I realized that everything was a little behind there . Heck , Jerry even wore a coonskin cap sometimes , even though Davy Crockett was over and the guys in Indianapolis had given them up over a year ago . Uncle Frank gave us each a dollar and dropped us off at the movie theater after dinner . He asked the lady at the ticket window how long the movie was and said he 'd be back to pick us up when it was over . He said not to worry because Jesus was looking after the baby and he would be all right . We got some popcorn and Cokes and settled into our seats in the dark theater . I tried to concentrate on the movie and stop thinking about Mom and the baby . I did pretty good for a few minutes , but when Baby Jesus cried in the manger , it reminded me of my brother . I closed my eyes and tried to pray for him . Like Uncle Frank said , I 'd pray to the Lord Jesus to make the baby get well and come home soon . I prayed , but I didn 't really feel much better . I still felt confused - - like there were too many thoughts running around in my brain and I couldn 't hold on to any of them . At the end of the movie , the Romans nailed Jesus to the cross and hoisted it upright . The sky went dark and big clouds rolled in and Judah Ben Hur watched with a bewildered , frightened look while the music welled up and got real sad . I started crying but turned my head away from Jerry so he wouldn 't see . I felt so bad for Jesus and hated the Romans so much . It was all so unfair . Judah 's mother and sister , Miriam and Tirzah , went with Esther into a cave to escape the storm . They cowered in the cave as the sky turned black and the wind roared outside . A huge flash of lightening lit the cave and you could see that the sores from their leprosy had been healed . They ran their fingers over each other 's face and started to cry . I cried , too , but silently . Miriam and Tirzah emerged from the cave and stood with their faces uplifted into the rain . The sweet waters washed over them gently as the storm abated and the sky began to lighten . The blood of Jesus trickled from the base of the cross and mixed with a rivulet of water . Three empty crosses stood atop the mound of Calvary , silhouetted against the brilliant sky . A shepherd drove his sheep past them at the base of the hill . A hard sob gripped my throat and I couldn 't hold it back so I rushed out of the theater into the lobby . I slumped against the wall by the door and the ticket lady rushed over and knelt to put her arms around me . " My baby brother , " I gasped . " I don 't know . He might be dead ! " The blunt fact struck full force and I sobbed . I could hear her and the popcorn guy and then Jerry trying to make me feel better . Uncle Frank came and took us home . Nothing smells as good as the feed store . It smells toasty and hearty and incredibly complex . The sweet decay of newly - mown grass , an acrid whiff of leaves burning in the fall , even the rich aroma of baking bread are all in the dust that fills the air . Each grain lends a separate smell to the mix and makes the air almost thick enough to chew . Cracked corn , oats , barley - - even sunflower seeds - - all get lightly toasted by the friction of grinding and mixing and bagging and the air sparkles with their dust . It 's like breathing cornflakes . Jerry and I hung around the feed store a lot that summer . I stayed with Aunt Fay and Uncle Ray while Mom stayed in Indianapolis taking care of the baby . She was able to take him home from the hospital but he was still real sick and needed a lot of rest and quiet . I missed Mom and the baby , but I understood why it was best for me to stay in Buchanan . Besides , my stepdad was home with Mom sometimes and she said he wasn 't in a very good mood so it was probably best I stayed where I was for a few weeks . Anyway , it was summer and there were lots of things to do with Jerry in Buchanan . Besides delivering Jerry 's papers and hanging around the feed store and going to church and Sunday school , we played Ben Hur a lot . Uncle Frank let us make two swords from scrap wood we found behind the feed store . We cut shields out of a big corrugated carton and tied them to our arms with rope we poked through . There was a huge dense bush in Aunt Fay 's front yard that we hacked and stabbed over and over again . It was really neat because your sword would go right in when you jabbed it and then stick there with the handle poking out like you had driven it through some Roman soldier 's chest . Aunt Fay caught us , though , and laid on a real tongue lashing . She yelled something about her " favorite forsythia " and yellow flowers in the spring and how we had ruined it for next year . When Uncle Frank came home , she told him we needed a good smack because we beat up her bush . He took us out behind the shed but , instead of whacking us on the behind like he usually did , he smacked his own thigh a couple of times to make a noise to fool Aunt Fay . " Now , don 't you tell on me , you two , " he said with a little grin . " I hate that doggone bush . A forsythia ain 't nothing more than the king weed of the bush family . But , as much as I 'd like to see you beat it to pieces , you better lay off or Fay will give you a smack herself . Now , get on out of here . " One of the best Ben Hur things we did was chariot races on our bikes , riding real fast around the cinder track at the school grounds and pretending to run over the other charioteers and stuff . We swerved from one side of the track to the other like we were dodging around wrecked chariots and dead horses . Jerry and I took turns being Ben Hur and Messala . Being Messala was cooler because you tied a stick to each of the saddlebag baskets on the rear wheels . They stuck out like the knives on Messala 's chariot wheels in the movie . You could run over people and chop them in half and maneuver your knives into their wheels and grind them up so they wrecked . It was cool . One time , though , I got lost in the fantasy and rode up beside Jerry like Messala trying to wreck Ben Hur . I pedaled alongside him and started to slide over . " Hey , watch it ! " he yelled when he saw what I was doing . He stood on his pedals for more speed but so did I . The cinders shot out behind us as our tires dug in . " Look out , stupid ! " Jerry tried to swerve away but there was a curb there and he couldn 't . I gave it an extra push and jerked my bike to the left . I was trying to rub the stick against his back tire , but instead it flipped into the spokes . The stick snapped with a loud crack and Jerry 's tire locked and he flew over the handlebars . The basket ripped off my bike and I fell over sideways onto Jerry 's . His handlebar jabbed into my ribs real hard and my elbow ground into the cinders on the track . " Look what you did , you fart ! " Jerry screamed . He had broken his dive with his hands and now they were skinned and bloody with cinders struck in his palms . His chin was all scraped up , too . He got to his knees and inspected his hands , fighting back tears and trying to think of something else to call me . I crawled off his bike and over onto the grass off the track . " God , man . I 'm sorry . Are you hurt ? " The handlebars on both bikes were twisted crooked and the wire baskets were mashed . Jerry 's was worse , though , because two spokes were torn out of the back wheel and some others were bent and just barely hanging by one end . Jerry yanked them out so the wheel could turn . We started the long walk home , pushing our bikes as best we could . Jerry 's t - shirt was spotted with blood from his chin and smeared with blood and black specks of cinder from where he wiped his hands on it . Aunt Fay made us both sit still while she washed our scrapes and picked the cinders out of our skin . That hurt . But what really hurt was when she painted iodine on our palms . That stung so bad we squeezed our eyes shut and cried " Ow - w - w - w " while we tried to blow on them to stop the burning . When Uncle Frank came home , he just shook his head . The summer ended and school was ready to start when I went home . Mom crushed me to her chest at the front door and brushed her hand through my crew cut , pressing my face against her neck . My throat tightened up . She pushed me back to arm 's length so she could see my face . " He 's not here anymore . I 'm afraid you 're stuck with me . " She smiled just a little . I let that sink in for a moment then looked at her very soberly . " He 's gone for good . Don 't you worry about him . He won 't be around anymore . " Now I was really glad to be home . " Sure , sweetheart . Eric just couldn 't take it anymore and so he left when I wouldn 't send . . . " Then she realized what she had almost said . " I mean , he just decided he wanted to live someplace else . So I said , ' good riddance . ' " I hugged her again and neither one of us said anything for a couple of quiet minutes . Then I said I wanted to see the baby now . Instead , she sat on the couch and pulled me down next to her . She told me that there were some things that I should know about first . Boomer 's just fine , she said , but he 's different now . When he had the convulsions , his oxygen was cut off and his brain didn 't get as much as it needed . So he lost something up there inside his head and he was different from when I saw him the last time . I looked at her but I didn 't really understand what she meant . She took my hand to lead me into her room , where the baby 's crib was now . It was dark and quiet in there . We stood still while our eyes adjusted to the dim light and I could hear the baby 's breathing . It was soft and sort of raspy . Mom lifted a window shade just a little and I could see him lying on his back under a blanket in the crib . He didn 't look any different to me and I reached down to touch the hand he was clenching to his chest . His hand didn 't move but his eyes opened for a second . He looked at me but I could see he didn 't recognize me . His eyes were just blank . Mom held her finger across her lips and we went back into the living room . " What 's wrong with him ? " I asked . " They don 't know for sure yet , but he 's back to being like a brand new baby now . He doesn 't see very well and he doesn 't talk or walk or even crawl . " " Sure he will , honey . We just have to pray for him . " She looked back into the baby 's room and her voice got soft . " Right now , he 's just peaceful . He doesn 't even cry . " After his nap , I tried , but the baby didn 't play . He just laid there and looked at me without changing expressions . I stopped asking Mom questions because I could see they were getting her down . I knew she was trying to be cheerful so I wouldn 't feel bad , but her face sagged every time I asked something else . That night I tossed in bed , sleepless with my unasked questions . Was he going to grow up ? Would he ever start walking again ? Would he say " Boom ! " like he did at Aunt Fay 's ? The questions just rolled through my head . Mom had hung a cross Uncle Frank gave me on the wall above my head . It was plastic and , when the lights went out , it glowed softly white with violet around the edges . The longer the lights stayed off , the weaker it glowed . Uncle Frank said it would help me remember the Baby Jesus every night as I went to sleep . The cross kept drawing my gaze as I tossed in bed . I kept trying to thank Jesus and I tried to pray like I had so many times that summer , but it just wouldn 't come out right . I was mad , like Ben Hur . I wanted to lash out at someone about Boomer , but I didn 't know who . Uncle Frank had said it wasn 't anybody 's fault and Aunt Fay told me it was just one of those things that happened . But they were wrong . My baby brother wasn 't something that just happened . This wasn 't a ball game where I could just shrug my shoulders and say , " Oh , well . Maybe next time . " He wasn 't going to have a next time . Jesus wasn 't going to make him better . That was just a movie . - - End - - |
This is a one - chapter excerpt from " Finding Roland McCray " , book 3 in the " Adventures of Roland McCray " series and is fully copyright protected . Use or reproduction of any part of this is prohibited in in form , electronic or print , without the author 's written permission . Use for educational purposes is welcomed , but please contact the author before doing so . " One imagines the birth of happiness to be accompanied by some great spectacular upheaval . One can imagine it flowering in the most luxurious setting . Yet happiness is born of a trifle , feeds on nothing . " Mariama Bâ " No , but thanks anyway . The lane is dusty and full of pot holes . " I grinned and patted the dashboard . " I wouldn 't want you to mess up the suspension or get dust all over your car , " I said . Butch was proud of his ' 66 Impala and he kept it in perfect condition . He 'd even bought a vanity tag : " MY66 CHVY " . I looked in the same direction ; with no moon , it was a dark night but I could only make out the even blacker tree line because the stars were above it . " Yeah , " I said , " it is . But I walk this lane every day so I know where all the holes are ; I can walk around them . Besides , I 'm not afraid of the dark , Butch . You know that . " " I know , Roland , you 're not afraid of the dark . All I 'm saying is that I wouldn 't to be out here when it 's pitch black , " he said then looked at me . " I like to at least be able to see the ground right in front of my feet . " " There 's starlight , " I replied . " My eyes will adjust . And there 's nothing between here and my house to be scared of ; except , maybe , tripping in one of potholes , " and I laughed . I knew Butch from when I 'd lived in town , but my family had moved to the farm before I turned eleven so I was used to not having street lights . Butch wasn 't , though , and apparently he was afraid of the dark , or of what he couldn 't see , at least . Which surprised me , since I 'd never known him to be afraid of anything . Butch was looking at the field across the road . " What 's with that fog over there ? " Butch asked . " That 's strange … it doesn 't even go down to the ground , but kind of floats above it . " I looked , but already knew what he was talking about . " It does that , " I said . " When the air cools at night , the ground stays warm for a while . Then damp air flows out from the woods and fog condenses out of it , then sort of rides over top of the layer of warm air . " " That 's pretty cool , " he said , " you can see under it almost all the way to the woods . " Just then , we heard noise coming from the opposite direction , the woods behind my house . It sounded like a cross between a woman 's scream , a baby 's crying , and a cat 's growl . Butch snapped his head around and looked at me . " What the hell was that ? " " That 's a bobcat . Indians believed that bobcats come with the fog , " I said and shrugged . " I don 't know if that means anything or not . I don 't hear that bobcat very often , and there 's fog like this over the fields a lot of nights . They hunt at night , and only make that sound when they 're mating , or looking for a mate . It sounds almost like a woman 's scream or a baby crying , doesn 't it ? " " It sounds like something , " he said , " but I 'm not sure what . I didn 't know there were any bobcats around here . They 're dangerous , aren 't they ? " " Yes , one . They mark their territory and others usually stay out , except during mating season and that 's usually early spring and sometimes , again in mid - summer . So if you hear one , it will probably be the only one for miles around . And I don 't mean they 're not dangerous , at all , just not to people or large dogs . They mostly eat small animals . Birds when they can catch them , but usually rabbits , or mice . And sometimes , my aunt will lose one of her chickens . " " Well - they 're in the same family , " I said . " They 're ' big cats ' , but much smaller than lions and tigers . Nowhere near big enough to attack a person , or even a grown dog . " " No , I 'm not worried about my dog ; she can take care of herself . And a bobcat wouldn 't waste time going after a dog when there 's lots of smaller prey for them . Unless it 's a really small dog , maybe , or a puppy . They hide from people and will run if a dog chases them . Not that a bobcat couldn 't take on a dog , if cornered . They are cats , after all , and cats have claws . " " My aunt told me . When we first moved here , I 'd hear them at night and it sounded to me like a woman or a baby crying in the woods . But my aunt said ' those are just bobcats , Roland , they won 't trouble you none ' . So I looked them up in the encyclopedia and it said that when they 're mating , their growls sometimes sound like a woman 's scream or a baby crying . At least from a distance . " " Not really . We used to have two , a black male named ' King ' , he was mine , and my sister had a tabby she named ' Cindy ' . Since the tabby was female , Dad made sure she was ' fixed ' before my sister could have her . King was a beautiful cat , but he 'd lay still in tall grass near the hedges and snatch birds right out of the air . I hated that . " " I know . But I never realized before just how good they are at killing things . Mom wouldn 't let them stay inside , but they could get into the crawlspace under the house , so they didn 't have to sleep out in cold weather . When the cats were about three years old , we had a really cold winter and they 'd sit on top of the fireplace chimney to keep warm . They both got sick and Dad said it was from breathing the fumes from the fireplace . " I remembered burying both cats at the end of the field , near the woods . " We haven 't had any cats since then . But a pet bobcat - that would be something ! " Even with the strange sounds that come from the woods , especially back toward the swamp , I liked living on the farm . Without street lights , there were more stars in the sky than I 'd ever seen in town and on a clear night I could see the Milky Way splashed across the sky . Sometimes I 'd even walk down the path behind my house into the woods at night . But only when the moon is bright enough for me to see the ground , of course ; I like the quiet peace of the woods at night , but I 'm not stupid ! He laughed . " I bet it will ! At least tuck in your shirt and make sure your hair 's combed , in case your Mom waited up for you . " " It 's after midnight , Butch , and she has church in the morning . She won 't be up this late . " I thought for a minute . " But , knowing Mom , she may get up when she hears me come in , to see if I want her to warm up something for me to eat . Dad might still be up , though , watching TV in the living room , but he probably won 't care that I stayed out this late , especially since it 's a Saturday night and I don 't have school tomorrow . " " Not really , " I said . " When I told her I didn 't want to go to church anymore she argued with me for a while , but then Dad told her I was twelve years old and in some cultures , that made me an adult and that I should be able to make my own decisions about religion . Actually , I was kind of surprised when he told my Mom that it was my decision whether or not I wanted to go to Mom 's church . " I knew how my Dad felt about ' organized ' religion , and that if I went to no church at all until , after I was an adult , I decided to join a religion of my own free will . " We never went to church , " Butch said , referring to his family . " But I don 't think I would 've liked it if I 'd had to go . I don 't like dressing up , and all that stuff . " " Well , thanks for giving Gina a ride home , Butch " I said . " I really appreciate it ; I had a great time tonight and if I hadn 't run into you , it would 've been miserable ! I 'm sorry I barged in on your date night with Pam , though , but I haven 't seen Gina for a long time , and I really didn 't want to go back to my ' date ' . " " Yes , really , " he said . " And don 't worry , Roland , you didn 't ' barge in ' ; I invited you , remember ? You know you 're always welcome ; I 'm glad that you and your ' unexpected ' date joined us . " " Good , " I said . " That makes me feel better . Pam 's always been real sweet to me , anyway . " Butch cut eyes cut toward me . " I said - sweet to me , Butch , not sweet on me . " " I know what you mean , Roland , " he said and looked up at me with a grin . " Pam thinks you 're sweet , and real polite . Like a Boy Scout , or something . " Butch laughed , but the way he almost spit out the words ' Boy Scout ' reminded me that he thought guys who acted like Boy Scouts were strange . I never thought of myself as a Boy Scout ; I just did what I was taught . I tried to be nice to other people and to always to do the right thing . But I understood why Butch felt the way that he did : most of his friends were from town and liked to party a lot , so I 'm sure they felt the same way about guys who acted like Boy Scouts . I laughed and shook my head " I 'm no Boy Scout . " I hesitated . " I was a cub scout , though , but I only went to one meeting . " I shrugged . " Six , maybe seven ; I 'm not sure . I knew who you were because I used to see you over at Curtis 's house . " Curtis was about the same age as Butch , but I knew him because he lived across the street from me when I lived in town . Actually , I already knew Butch 's name before I 'd ever met him . The street I lived on was a downhill slope to a dead end , and some of the older kids in the neighborhood like to ride their bikes down it . Butch was one of those ' big kids ' ; he 'd changed the front end of his bike to the tire extended out like a chopper . And he was probably the best one at skidding to a stop at the end of the street and throwing loose gravel into the empty lot . Everybody in the neighborhood knew who Butch Jordon was . " He does have a handgun , Roland . He showed it to me once , but he wouldn 't let me hold it . He says that kids shouldn 't handle guns . " " I do remember the Cub Scout meetings were every Monday at five , " I said . " But I didn 't think to keep track of what day of the week it was , except for Saturdays , when I watched cartoons , and Sundays , of course , because we had to go to church . I think Mom just didn 't want to have to drive me to the meetings and then pick me up . I don 't think she likes driving at night . " " Probably not , " Butch said . " My mom doesn 't won 't even drive after dark , so Dad takes her to the drive - in and picks her up after she closes it . I guess your mom 's probably the same about driving after dark . " " So Roland , what happened to your girl you were dating - Patty , right ? " Butch asked . " Did you break up with her ? " I 'd taken Patty to a party once and Butch and Pam had met her then . " Gina seems really nice , Roland " he said , " and she 's a lot better looking … " He grinned . " I think she 'd be a great girlfriend for you . " I felt my face flush . I 'd gone to the drive - in theater with a friend from school , Andrea , and her boyfriend . Andrea said that a girlfriend was staying with her for the weekend , and Andrea 's boyfriend wanted to see a movie at the drive - in theater . Andrea didn 't want to leave her friend home alone , and since her friend didn 't have a date , she asked me if I 'd be her friend 's blind date as a favor to her . " Really sweet usually means not very pretty , " I 'd said . Truthfully , though , I liked girls for who they were , inside , rather than for what they looked like . I 'd already learned that beauty really is only skin deep with some girls . They picked me up at the end of the lane in Billy 's pickup truck . Andrea reached over from the center of the seat and pushed open the passenger door , where her girlfriend sat . Some guys might 've thought ' Debbs ' was cute , in a way , but I didn 't . But Andrea had said Debbs was sweet and that would be fine with me . So Debbs wasn 't ' sweet ' at all ; she was arrogant and pretentious . And not all that cute , either . But , I didn 't want to ruin Andrea 's evening , so I climbed up into Billy 's truck , doing my best not to be too close to Debbs . I didn 't like her from the moment we met , and I 'm sure the feeling was mutual . " Nouveau riche , " I replied . " It means ' new money ' ; you know , people who don 't know how to handle First Class . " I only knew that because I 'd heard it in a movie , but I wasn 't going to tell them that . Billy laughed . " Nouveau riche , " he said , " that 's pretty good . " And we both smiled . But Andrea gave me that pleading look again , so I figured it was too late to back out of the ' date ' then . She was going to owe me big for this . " Not poor , Debbs . I said he can 't work anymore . I didn 't say he doesn 't have an income ; it 's just not as much as he 's used to getting . But , we 're not poor . " I could 've told Debbs that my Mom and Dad own several houses that they rent out for extra income . Dad insists that the properties that he and Mom own put us in the ' rich ' category , but I have a hard time believing that . I mean , we have been on vacations to Disney World and rented cottages on the beach . But that was when he was still working . We don 't live like rich people . " He doesn 't like to spend a lot of money just to impress other people . We live in my great - great grandfather 's farmhouse , because that 's where Dad wants to live . " That wasn 't entirely true , but I felt the need to take up for my Dad . " But he collects and restores antique cars for a hobby , " I said . " Ever seen a mint - condition ' 59 Lincoln , or ' 56 Buick ? Dad has both , plus about a dozen other antique cars , most of them luxury models . But he drives a seven year old Dodge and Mom has her ten year old Ford Fairlane . " " He drives the cheaper cars because he isn 't stupid , " I said . " Why would anyone want to drive an antique Lincoln just for running errands ? " I thought about where Debbs lived . " Well , your father might , just to show people that he has money . My Dad couldn 't care less what other people think . " Dad did collect antique cars , and the money he spent on them was always a point of contention between him and Mom . And I loved that black , fin tailed Lincoln ; it reminded me of the Batmobile . He let me start it up about once a month and move it ten feet or so on the driveway , to make sure everything 's still working . I 'd try out all the buttons on it , the power windows and locks , plus the air conditioner ; it seemed like that car has a button for everything ! And all that chrome inside and out was blinding when struck by the sun . I 'd make sure the seat still moved forward and back and that the doors opened and closed . I liked to pretend to be driving , but Dad would never let me take it on the road . He said that 's what his Dodge is for , so sometimes he 'd let me borrow that . I liked the Buick , too . It was a two door model , red with white side panels and chrome air intakes on both front fenders that were just for show ; they don 't do anything . The hood ornament was a chrome jet airplane with swept back wings and the car is huge inside . It wasn 't as fancy as the Lincoln , but it looked sportier . When I was younger , Dad sometimes drove the Buick when we went to visit his mother , who lived about three hours away , and riding in the backseat felt like we were flying up the highway . Mom always complained that he drove too fast , though . Once we got to the drive - in , I planned to sit outside ; there was no way I was going to stay in the truck , pressed up against Debbs . When we got to the drive - in , my friend 's mother was at the window where you paid to get in . I leaned over and smiled so she 'd see me . She smiled and shook her head . " Teenagers , " she said . " Well I expect a visit from you soon , Roland , " she said , then raised the gate and waved us through . " Why did you set me up with her ? " I asked . " She 's kind of cute , but , she 's also kind of a , uh … " " Yes you do , " I said and then smiled to let her know it was alright . " That 's okay , Andrea - I won 't forget ! But as soon as she gets back , I 'm going up to the Snack Shack and get a cold drink . As you saw at the gate , I know the family that owns the drive - in , and the woman 's son is a good friend of mine . He works here . But … I 'm not going to rush to get back . " Billy laughed . " I wouldn 't blame you if you didn 't come back at all , " he said . " But if you 're not here when the movie 's over , I 'll look for you up at the Snack Shack and give you a ride home . " When Debbs got back , I got out . " I 'm going to get something to drink , " I said to Andrea and Billy , ignoring Debbs entirely , and headed for the Snack Shack . As luck would have it , Butch was there , but wasn 't working that night . He was on the customer side of the counter , picking up drinks and fries . " Roland ! Haven 't seen you in a while , " he said . " Yeah , I 'm off tonight , so I brought Pam to see the movie . Are you here on a date ? " I nodded . " A blind date , " I said . " I should 've known better . She 's back at the truck with my friends , but I don 't want to go back there . That girl 's a real , uh , bitch ! " I really wasn 't in the habit of using curse words ; I never heard them at home . " No , it wouldn 't be rude . It 's a blind date , Roland . And if even you say the girl 's a bitch , she must really be bad ! " He shook his head . " I 'd say you don 't owe her anything . Let her friends take her home , but you 're coming with me . " He put his hand on my elbow . " Pam will be thrilled to see you again . " I hesitated , then : " Yeah , you 're probably right . She 's rude , and I don 't owe her anything . She lives up in River 's Bluff and seems to think she 's too good for me . Billy and Andrea brought her , they can take her home . " " River 's Bluff ? That explains it then . " Butch smiled . " Let 's go , " he said , " I parked near the back , where it isn 't so crowded . " I looked at the row after row of cars and wondered just how many people there were actually watching the movie . It was ' The Night of The Living Dead ' ; not the kind of movie I 'd ever pay to see . I wasn 't a fan of gore , and so far , this was probably the worst film I 'd ever seen . I picked up my drink and followed behind Butch . It was a good thing that the movie screen was behind us ; it lit the gravel enough for me to see where to walk . Since the ground was angled up in a small ramp at each row , so the cars would have a better view , it was difficult to see where to step without stumbling . We went between and around cars . In some of them was just a single couple , and not all of them were watching the movie ; other cars had two couples in them and several that were packed with teenagers , since the admission price covered each car , no matter how many people were in it . Some people sat out on the hoods of their cars to get a better view , and fresh air , or to smoke cigarettes . On the hood of one car , several teenagers brazenly passed around a joint . I stopped , turned around , and saw her looking out the front window of the car full of girls and a big smile came to my face . " Gina ! " I 'd been in the same advanced biology class with Gina in the 9th grade ; the students were partners , two to a table , and she 'd sat at the table right behind mine . " I wasn 't sure it was you , from the back , " she said then approached and gave me a hug . Gina had been gorgeous , back in ninth grade , and she was still beautiful , and had filled out in all the right places . I wasn 't expecting that warm hug , but I put my arms around her , hands in the small of her back , hugged her tightly and lifted her off her feet . I had an urge to spin her around then set her down , but I stopped myself . I didn 't know Gina well enough to do something that personal ; I think that mostly I was just relieved to get away from Debbs , and to see a friendly face . The other girls in the car Gina had been in were watching and I felt a little embarrassed so I stepped back , but I couldn 't stop my smile . " It 's been a long time , Gina , and I couldn 't help myself ; that just felt like the right thing to do . I 'm sorry if I was out of line with that hug . " " Did you hear me complain ? " She asked looking up into my eyes . " I was just surprised , that 's all . You never even asked me out when we were in class together , " she said , pretending to pout . " But I liked that hug you just gave me , Roland ; it was really sweet , and actually , I 'm glad I ran into you . " I was relieved , then , and relaxed a little ; resisting my first impulse , to literally sweep her off the ground and spin her around , had been the right decision . Of course , giving in to my first impulse might 've been right , too , but I 'd never know . " Umm , I was , " I replied as I looked at the ground in front of my feet . " A blind date , and I regret ever agreeing to it ; that 's why I left her back near the front with her friends who brought us and I 'm not going back . " I hoped Gina wouldn 't think that was too callous of me ; I mean , a date is a date and I 'd agreed to it . But I comforted myself with the thought that Andrea had misled me about the girl she 'd set me up with . " That bad , huh ? I hate blind dates , " Gina said . " I don 't do blind - dates . I know the kind of guy I like and I don 't need anyone else deciding who would be ' perfect ' for me . " Now I knew she hadn 't judged me as unreliable , rude , or inconsiderate . " Going on a blind date was my mistake , " I said . " But it won 't happen again . So … " I wasn 't sure if I should ask , but I had to , " are you here with someone ? On a date , I mean . " I looked toward her car and only saw girls , but if Gina had a date with her , he could be gone for drinks or something . " Not a chance . I 'm done with blind dates , " I replied , then - " Gina , this is my friend , Butch , " and he nodded to Gina , " and his girlfriend is in the car . Do you want to come and sit with me - us , if your friends don 't mind ? " She hesitated , and for a moment I thought I was going to be turned down , right in front of Butch . And I was sure there were many other people at the drive - in who 'd recognize me , too . Then she smiled . " Wait here a minute , " she said and walked back over to the car . The girls she was with were looking at me and I heard one of them giggle , and then handed Gina her purse , and she walked back toward me . " Lead the way , " she said with a broad smile and took hold of my hand . Butch looked at me and winked , then we followed him the rest of the way . When we got to his car , I introduced Gina to Pam and then we got into the backseat . After we were in and I closed the door , I put my arm around her shoulder ; I halfway suspected she might pull away , but she didn 't . " I had such a crush on you , " Gina said , loud enough for Butch and Pam to hear . She was looking up at my face and I blushed a little . I was surprised at that , but thrilled , too . Gina 's smile was somehow shy and self - confident at the same time and it went straight to my heart . " Yes , I did , " she said . " Every girl in class did , Roland ; you were the cutest guy in the class and you made us laugh so much that advanced biology was actually fun . Girls like a guy who can make them laugh . Especially when he 's a cute , friendly guy , " she said with a sweet smile . " Gina , including me , there were only seven guys in that class , " I said . " So being the cutest guy in a group of seven nerds isn 't saying much . " I smiled as I said that , so she 'd know I was just kidding . " Roland , I thought you were one of the best looking guys in school , " she said . " And I still do . In fact , I think you 're the best looking guy there . " She pressed her body even closer to mine and I had to start doing some quick math calculations in my head to keep the feelings of lust in the background . " Ah , it would 've mattered to me , Gina . I didn 't have a girlfriend ; that girl , Patty , wanted to be my girlfriend but I wasn 't interested . I tried to be nice to her , though ; I don 't like to hurt anyone 's feelings . " " Like I said , I was just trying to be nice ; but you were the prettiest girl I knew . " I smiled , feeling a bit self - conscious . " I had a huge crush on you , Gina . I just didn 't think you would be interested in me . " " I was so stupid ! " I said . " I had a crush on the prettiest girl in school and she had a crush on me ! " I shook my head . " Guess I missed my chance . " " What makes you think that you missed your chance , Roland ? " she asked . " Everyone deserves a second chance . I had a crush on you then , but I thought you were taken . " She looked into my eyes again . " And you really aren 't dating anyone now ? Other than that blind date you just dumped ? " ' Dumped ' sounded like a harsh word , but I nodded agreement . " Good , " she said with a smile and tilted her head up toward me . " Because I still have a crush on you . " The car was dark , except for the changing shadows of light from the distant movie screen , since Butch had parked near the rear , but flickering light from the movie flashed from Gina 's dark eyes as she looked into mine . Her warm body was pressed against me and it just felt so right . I looked into her dark , beautiful eyes and she 'd lifted her face toward mine , so I leaned in to kiss her . Her full , warm lips welcomed mine and I put my other arm around her and slid my hand over her stomach , then up her side to her wonderful breast . I couldn 't believe how good her body felt . But since Butch and Pam were in the front seat , I knew I couldn 't go as far as I wanted ; that would have to wait until we were alone . I wasn 't usually openly affectionate in front of other people , and I didn 't think it would be fair to Gina to push too much . She 'd just met Butch and Pam , not ten minutes earlier , and I thought it would be foolish to put her in the position of having to refuse my advances . Besides , I felt certain by then that if we were alone , she wouldn 't be reticent about some hot and heavy making out , though . But for the time being , a long , passionate kiss seemed safe enough , and after that first kiss , we didn 't , as Butch said , watch much of the movie . After the movie was over , we went to a pizza place for a while , but didn 't stay long because Pam had a curfew . Butch drove Pam home and walked her to the door . Gina and I waited while they said goodnight and it seemed to take at least ten minutes , so rather than waste the time we kissed some more and when I slid my hand near her breast , she placed my hand right on it . After a minute or two , I reached up under her blouse just to feel the heat from her smooth skin . When Butch got back to the car , Gina straightened her blouse before he got in and we gave her a ride home . I walked her to the door and we kissed goodnight , a long , passionate kiss with my hands running up and down her back , through her hair and over her shoulders , completely outside of her clothes , and I held her warm , wonderful body close to mine . I didn 't want to stop and clearly neither did Gina , but then a light came on inside the house . " That 's my father , " Gina said . " I better get inside before he opens the door . " She quickly tucked a folded paper napkin from the pizza place into the rear pocket of my jeans , gave me a quick kiss on my cheek and then went inside . Walking back to the car , I took the napkin from my pocket , unfolded it and found she 'd written her name , phone number , and below that " Call me … " my heart almost skipped a beat . The girl I 'd had a crush two years earlier had , and still has , a crush on me too ! And I never would 've guessed . I was so happy that I felt like was walking on air when I got back to the car . " What do you mean ? " I asked . At first , I thought it might be because I was an Honors student every year , and I made that look easy , but that was only because I loved to read . So , my grades couldn 't be it ; Butch had already graduated high school and I 'm sure couldn 't have cared less about me making Honor Roll . Then , I knew a lot of people , probably more than Butch , but that was because I made a real effort to be friendly with everyone I met . " I mean - like tonight , " he said . " You go out on a blind date that turns out to be a big mistake , then you leave with a girl that looks like Gina ! And it turns out that she 'd had a crush on you and you didn 't even realize it . " He smiled . " I didn 't know you had it in you . " Butch sounded truly surprised , and I resented it a little that he didn 't think I was good enough to go out with the really pretty girls . " Yeah , I know , " I said . " I guess I 'm just lucky . Gina is really pretty , isn 't she ? " I said and smiled . " But most of the guys at school think Linda Wells is the prettiest girl in our high school . I don 't , but most of the guys do . " " But , she 's kind of an air head , too , " I said . " Gina 's more my type , and she just happens to be really good looking , too . " I hesitated a moment . " Sexy , too , " I added and Butch laughed at me , but it was a laugh of admiration . I suppressed a blush . " Come on , Butch , " I said . " Everybody knows that Pam 's the prettiest girl in her high school , and she goes out with you ! " I saw in Butch 's face that I might 've hurt his feelings , so I laughed to let him know I wasn 't being serious . But I did know a whole lot of people in town , especially in the neighborhoods around where I 'd lived . Butch was one of my childhood friends whom I had kept up with , and I 'd met quite a few people through him . I had a few other friends besides Butch , but I still saw him more than anyone else in town . If anything , I was jealous of Butch . He was big into sports , had played baseball on the school team and had that all - American , boy - next - door but - maybe - a - little - dangerous look . He was held back a year in grade school , so he was a nineteen year old senior when he graduated and could date any girl he wanted . But I was more the nerd - type : smart ( at least that 's what they 'd always told me in school ) , okay in sports but nothing special , always made Honor Role but I 'd usually rather spend an afternoon reading than go up to Butch 's house to play softball with his friends , most of whom I didn 't know very well . I was shy , I knew that , but guys like Butch intimidated me ; I didn 't play on any sports team , or go boating and water skiing at the lake every summer and hang out with the cool kids , the clique that cheerleaders followed around . I knew I couldn 't just ask out any girl I wanted without risking the embarrassment of being turned down . And I really had a fear of being turned down ; I 'd usually felt like it was a flaw on my part . I was that nice guy , the kind who everyone wants to sign your yearbook , but instead of girls writing ' Will miss you over the summer ' with a little heart beside it and their phone number below ( as a lot of my friends got ) , but both the girls and guys would write something like : " A friend that can be trusted " , " To the most trustworthy friend I have " , or " Always stay just the way you are " . I mean , that was nice and all , but nothing to make me think any of the girls would want to be more than just good friends . Maybe that 's what he meant : it was almost as though I had some guardian angel , or something , watching over me , keeping me from screwing up everything . I 'd never really thought about it before , but I guess that is pretty lucky . Up until that point , I 'd only had three ' girlfriends ' : Elise , Linda , and Patty . Elise , from 7th grade Art class - she was cute , pretty , in her own way , and sweet , but also a little quirky , the way some artsy types can be . Then Linda , ( not Linda Wells ) who was in my 8th grade homeroom ; she had long , straight , silky blond hair and blue eyes that sparkled like star sapphires . I fell for her based on her admittedly stunning beauty , but soon realized she knew just how pretty she was , and acted as though she was used to it , even felt entitled to get her way in everything and that was a little too controlling for my tastes . Then , there was Patty , in ninth grade , the girl Gina had thought was my girlfriend . I shouldn 't really count Patty , though , because that relationship was more in her imagination than in reality . With her , it had started when she 'd show up at my locker between classes ' just to say hi ' and in around the second month of school , she 'd invited me to visit her at home . So I accepted the invitation and had the pleasure of meeting her parents over the course of an excellent dinner . Her mother and father were very nice people , a little old , I thought , to be Patty 's parents . They both had a strong accent , what Dad would call Bohemian , though I didn 't know what that meant . Despite the accent , they were down to earth people , extra friendly and quick to laugh ; I admit I had a great time . But when I left , I got the distinct impression they expected to see me again . They appeared almost relieved to think that Patty had a boyfriend ! I thought it possible that because they were old , they wanted Patty to have someone when they were no longer around . I also thought it was more likely that I 'd misread them entirely . But , rather than take the chance that Patty might get the wrong idea , and have her feelings hurt later , I told her I liked her , a lot , but I didn 't want to " go steady " with anyone right now . I would 've felt responsible if I 'd let it go on and then really hurt her feelings . Patty was still hurt , I could tell , though not as much as she would 've been otherwise . I think . " So , how long 's it been since you last saw Gina ? " Butch asked . " Did she say it was in the 9th grade when she had a crush on you ? " " Yes , we were in freshman year . Almost two years ago . I watched for her in the hallways last year , but the new high school is huge and I never saw her . " " I guess so , " I said . " I certainly didn 't forget her ! We were in the same advanced bio class that year , and I thought then that she was the prettiest girl I 'd ever met . Butch , Gina could 've dated any guy in school if she wanted . And with all those jocks around , I figured she wouldn 't give me a second look . " " I 'm surprised she 'd pick you , too , " Butch said with a laugh . " But now you know she liked you in school , and judging by tonight , she likes you even more now . " He looked at me in disbelief . " And you didn 't even know , man ! She had to tell you herself ! " Butch laughed . " Pretty ? Roland - Gina 's got to be one of the best looking girls in your school and all you say is she 's pretty ! " Butch was right ; saying Gina was just " pretty " was an understatement . She had a vaguely Mediterranean look , Italian , I think , with dark , beautiful , eyes and smooth , olive skin . Her long , silky hair , the color of the baker 's chocolate my Mom cooks with , cascaded over her well - shaped shoulders and onto her adult - woman 's breasts . And voluptuous was the perfect word for a body that had filled out in all the right places . I thought she was beautiful the first time I laid eyes on her , and , for me at least , still the best looking girl in school . If I hadn 't taken that class , I might never have met Gina . I guess it was another one of those times Butch talked about , where things just seemed to work out for me despite what I do . I hadn 't originally signed up for advanced bio ; I was in the second year French class when school started , but nearly thirty students had signed up for it , so at least seven of us had to switch to a different elective . I knew I could take French the following year , but my father insisted I only take the advanced classes so that limited my choices . I 'd always liked science and so I thought I 'd take Physics , since I knew the math in first year Physics wouldn 't be anything I couldn 't handle , but all that was still available was advanced biology . The whole scheduling problem turned out to be a lucky break and it was still paying off , almost two years later . I was the smartest guy in that class , and I knew from experience that a lot of times other guys don 't like a smart kid who might make them look worse , especially when a teacher graded on a curve . So I 'd gotten in the habit of being funny , since everyone likes to laugh . Our teacher in that class , Mrs . Braxton , was fairly young and liked the fact that I took the course work seriously , instead of it being only the girls who did well . And since I treated the work as important and usually , well , almost always , knew the answers when she asked the class a question , Mrs . Braxton let me get away with joking around a little , before I gave her the answer . I made a point of including her when I was kidding around , just as if she was one of us , the students . I think she appreciated that . The main reason I did well in all my classes , except math , was that , beginning in 5th grade , I read all of my textbooks in the first two weeks every year , so I didn 't have to study as hard the rest of the semester to make good grades . I 'd picked up my love of reading from my Dad : he subscribed to two newspapers , several trade journal and magazines , plus bought a copy of Popular Science several times a year . I 'd read our entire set of encyclopedias by time I was twelve ( but , to be honest , I 'd skipped the few articles that didn 't appeal to me ) . Then I convinced Mom to but my . 99 cent paperbacks at the grocery store once in a while . I even read everything on the cereal box at breakfast ! The only classes I had problems with was mathematics ; even though I 'd read the text books , I still needed help to even get a " B " . And if I 'd gotten more than one ' B ' in a semester , I wouldn 't make Honor Roll . That was one of the few things Dad actually praised me for . " We did watch the movie , Roland . I told you I 'd fill you in on what happened . But I couldn 't resist a quick glance now and then , " he said . " But you 're right , it 's getting late and I told Pam I 'd stop back by on my way home . I guess I should get going , before it 's too late and I have to see her Dad . " " Definitely , " I said . " Probably on Monday ; I don 't want to look too desperate , " I said and laughed . " Then again , maybe I 'll call her tomorrow afternoon . I 'd hate to wait too long , you know . " " Yeah , " he said . " A good looking girl like Gina probably has guys after her all the time . And you thought you 'd missed your chance once already ; don 't make the same mistake again . " " Yeah , I know . I 'm not going to let that happen , " I said with a smile . Butch started the car and pulled out onto the road . I stood there until the tail lights were out of sight , then turned and started toward the house . With no moon , only starlight lit the way , so I had to watch my step and miss the hard ridges of dried mud and the potholes left by cars and pickup trucks driving down the lane when it was wet . About halfway down the lane , there was an old wood post on each side , so I stopped and leaned back against one of them . The muggy heat of the day had dissipated and lent the cooler night air a clarity that 's only seen far from city lights . I looked up at the stars , so numerous against the sky they were almost overwhelming , and I traced out some of the constellations I recognized . When I was ten years old , my Dad had bought me a six - inch reflector telescope for Christmas , and I 'd spent a lot of nights finding the planets and looking closely at the moon ; learning the constellations and the names of some of the stars just came along with that . I no longer had the telescope , but still knew most of the stars and constellations , and I could recognize the planets when one was in the sky . The brightest star , almost directly overhead , was Vega , in the constellation called the Lyre , which was something like a harp . It was right on the edge of where the Milky Way meandered across the sky . I knew how to trace the Milky Way north to the constellation Cassiopeia , the beautiful queen of Greek mythology , and I pictured Gina , reclining on the goddess 's royal sofa , draped in a satiny gown . That was how I felt about Gina that evening . It had just been so nice with her warm body pressed against mine , her beautifully formed breasts … Just then I heard the woman / baby - crying , growling sound of a bobcat , calling from back toward the swamp , and I knew that cat must 've found a mate . Lucky cat . That shook me from my daydreaming and reminded that I was just standing in the dark , so I double checked my pocket where I 'd put Gina 's number , then walked the rest of the way to the house . I was infatuated with Gina , and just thinking about her smile and unbelievably wonderful body almost made me want to skip ; something I hadn 't done since I was a child . I felt silly , but in a good way , a way I 'd never felt before , and couldn 't wait for the next day to come so that I could call Gina , see her beautiful face again . I looked across the field to the tree line that was black against the sky and noticed the fog beginning to roll from the woods out over the field . Until I moved to the farm I 'd never seen fog like that : it was a band about five feet high and too thick to see through but floated about two feet above the ground , and you could bend low and look underneath it all the way to the woods . Bobcats and the fog , I thought ; maybe the Indians were onto something . As I finished the walk home , fighting the urge to kick up my heels , or do something else stupid , I thought about what Butch had said : that I was lucky , that things just seem to come to me , or work out for the best , without me even trying . Obviously , I couldn 't complain to Andrea for setting me up with ' Debbs ' because if I hadn 't gone on that blind date with that pretentious snob of a girl , I wouldn 't have run into Gina . Andrea didn 't owe me for that favor at all ; if anything , I owed her . That was clearly just one more time when what I 'd thought was a big disappointment was actually what I 'd needed , after all . I realized then that Butch might be right : I had been lucky , I was lucky and things always did seem to work out for me . Especially when I wasn 't trying to force anything , but just accepted what whatever the day brought . I decided then that rather than let my lust control what I do ( and with Gina , I knew there was a lot of lust involved ) , I 'd wait until Monday to call her . I felt like calling Gina the very next day might be a bad idea , like I was pushing for something to happen before its time . And it probably wouldn 't be smart of me to try to force things , since if I just let what happens happen , I 'd be happier with whatever came my way on its own . Look Inside ! " The tales will swirl around the edges of your consciousness , striking in their familiarity yet fresh and evocative . From the first well - crafted word to the end of every thought provoking tale , I remained bemused and seduced . I think you will too . " Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
When Kelsey and Sean went to his grandmother 's house to have sex , she assumed that no one would be there , but when Sean got to the front door , his aunt opened it . His grandmother wasn 't dead , as Kelsey had assumed , but in a home , and the aunt was getting something for her . Aunt Lillian . She had a cup and saucer in her hand . " Damned if I know , " she said when Sean asked her what grandma wanted with it . She couldn 't always understand what her mother was saying , she said . She held the cup and saucer out on the palm of her hand to show Kelsey . " Lustre ware , it 's called . It could have been duster that she said or mustard , but why would she want those ? " She tucked them into a bag . " What are you kids doing here ? " But she didn 't seem interested or suspicious . When Sean said he was just showing the house to Kelsey she nodded . She 'd been in a convent , Sean explained after she left , and when she decided not to be a nun anymore it had made her weird in a number of ways . It didn 't make sense to Kelsey , but she nodded . They were sitting on the bed stripped to their underwear , damp and sweaty in the overheated room , eating saltine crackers with jam , all they had found in the cupboards . The jar of strawberry jam was balanced on a pillow between them . Was it the grandmother 's bed ? Kelsey wondered . They hadn 't had sex yet . She got up and went to the dresser to look in the mirror . It was the grandmother 's room , she decided , looking at the fancy , old - fashioned hairbrush and the mirrored tray . She picked up the brush and examined it , then one of several ancient perfume bottles . She squeezed the atomizer but only a scented puff of air came out , stale and flowery , like the inside of someone 's closet . " What - is your grandmother going to get mad ? " She opened the top drawer and took out a necklace which she hung around her neck . The faceted beads hung between her breasts . She left the drawer open and went to the window where she opened the curtains to look out at the snow . After a minute , he got up and put his arms around her , pulling her back to the bed and rolling on top of her . The beads of the necklace pressed into her chest and she opened her mouth to complain , but he kissed her and put his hand between her legs and she forgot about it . Sean looked good in the dim snowy light of the bedroom , hair falling into his eyes , his mouth wet . They had met at the downtown college in a geology class where they were both bored - it was one of the soft science options for humanities majors . They were both in journalism , Sean because he wanted to travel and Kelsey because she had the idea it was something she could do from home . She had two kids , girls , and also a husband . Sean licked her ear and then stuck his tongue inside . She wasn 't sure if she liked that , but decided to go with it for now . Could his aunt tell that they were going to have sex ? Kelsey imagined her driving away in her car , the cup and saucer sitting on the seat beside her . She was driving to the nursing home , which in Kelsey 's mind could be seen from above , a dotted line connecting it to the grandmother 's house , the car driving neatly from one place to the other . Sean didn 't know why he liked Kelsey so much , but he put this question out of his mind when they were having sex . He had noticed her in geology class , sitting two desks ahead of him . He could see the back of her head , her shoulder , and one of her feet , which jigged nervously up and down , her shoe dangling from her toes . The sole of her foot was small and dirty , and for some reason he couldn 't take his eyes off of it . When class was dismissed , he speeded up to get behind her , intending to say something , but she was talking on her phone . " I 'll be home soon , " she said . " I have to go to the library . No , I have to go . " She stuffed her phone in her purse , but it slithered down the outside , and Sean caught it . " Thanks , " she said when he gave it back to her . Seen from the front , she seemed bigger , taller , a contrast to that little foot . She looked annoyed . " I really need some coffee . " She looked at him as if she 'd asked a question , which was something she liked to do , he later learned . She didn 't like to commit herself , even to something as simple as a desire for caffeine . He didn 't know why he 'd brought her to his grandmother 's house either . Well , the bed , of course . An empty house and a bed . He 'd seen one of the neighbors parking his car when they went in . Would he tell Sean 's grandmother ? But no , he couldn 't tell her unless he went to see her in the nursing home . She was in there and according to his mother , she wasn 't coming back . Kelsey was lying on the bed , drawing out strands of her hair and running her fingers down to the tips . Her eyes were not quite closed - he could see the liquid shine of her eyeball through her lashes . Her neck was blotchy where he 'd been probably a little rough with his mouth . She sometimes went to sleep after they had sex , just for a few minutes , but he knew she was awake . Her body hummed with something , her thoughts , the things she wanted . He 'd found out pretty quickly that she was married - she didn 't try to hide it , instead throwing out the fact of her husband 's name , Michael , as if it was a dare . She pursed her lips as if she were about to throw him a kiss , eyes still closed . She was thinking about something , but he didn 't want to know what it was , so he rolled over and covered her body with his , his mouth going again to her neck until she pushed him away . " I don 't want to have to wear a scarf , for god 's sake , " she said . Kelsey lay on the bed after the second time , looking out the window . She could see only white on the other side of the curtain , its yellowed lace lit by the brilliance of the snow . Snow was lying on the sill . There would be snow thick on Sean 's car . He 'd have to brush it off before he drove her home . She 'd help him . They 'd throw snowballs at each other . But no , there wasn 't any time for that . Sean was in the bathroom . I have to go , she called , and he said something from the bathroom , something she couldn 't understand . It was time to go home home home . There were so many things about home that made her tired . The couch was brown , old and brown . The bathroom tile was gray . The woman who had lived there before them had had a stroke there , and there was a stain on the floor which Kelsey believed was blood . Her daughters still slept in their cribs , which her mother - in - law said was unhealthy for their age , but who cared what that old cow said . Her head felt heavy . Her arms were too heavy to lift . " What if I have to stay the night , " she said , but not so loud that Sean would hear . If they were snowed in , she told herself , she 'd have to spend the night and she willed the snow to fall , to keep falling , until it rose to cover the car and lapped at the second floor window sill . In the bathroom , Sean lingered at the sink , taking things out of the medicine cabinet . His grandmother had kept her partial plate in a glass , cushioned on cotton , but this was gone , of course . He took out an ancient pair of wire - rimmed glasses and tried them on , turning to one side and then the other to catch his profile in the mirror . There were some pill bottles , but he had already inspected them for interesting drugs on an earlier visit . On the top shelf he saw a little bundle of ribbon . He lifted it out and unrolled it . A scapular - the sorrowing face of St . Veronica looked out at him , holding up her face - painted towel . Veronica was kind of hot , he thought and then winced , as if his grandmother was here to scold him . She was never going to be here again . He loved her , but he hated going to see her in the nursing home . It smelled , and the old people were scary . His grandmother didn 't look like herself , more like a skinny doll , almost a skeleton , the bones showing in her face , her wrists and fingers knobby and bruised looking . " Lighten up , for christ 's sake , " he said and out in the bedroom he heard Kelsey say something as if in reply . He put the scapular in his pocket and opened the door . He hated when she brought her husband up , as if she expected him to do something or feel something . He picked up one of the books on the table by the window , a life of some saint . His grandmother was big on the saints . Some pages were marked by holy cards and he opened it at each of them . St . Anthony who found things , the one who was stuck full of arrows - Sebastian , Mary standing on the world . " I 'm not interested in Michael , " he said , or anything the fuck about Michael . " Of course , it wasn 't at all like that . It was more like sleeping with someone that you knew too well . You knew what he 'd say when the car wouldn 't start , and you knew what would happen if you were half an hour late coming home . You knew his mother and his sister , and you knew you 'd be playing canasta when they came over , because it was his mother 's favorite game , even though no one in the world except old ladies played it . You knew that his mother would bring over some dented cans she 'd gotten from the bargain cart at the supermarket , which you 'd later throw away . You knew that you 'd have to go out to the suburbs once a month on a Sunday , where his aunts and uncles all lived and sit on their plastic - covered furniture and drink instant coffee and talk about church and the price of gas . You knew it over and over . Kelsey could tell that Sean didn 't want to have sex again . She didn 't want to either , really , but she wanted him to want to . She wanted him to think about her after he 'd dropped her off , when he was doing other things , when he was in class . She wanted him to pass by other women unseeing , because he was thinking of her . She wanted him to be remembering the way her hair fell over her shoulders , right now , a long tail of it lying on her left breast , which ( she hoped he didn 't notice this ) was slightly smaller . She wanted him to call her even when she couldn 't talk to him , and had to pretend that he was one of her girlfriends or a telemarketer . She wanted to leave things in his car , so that other people would pick them up and say , oh - whose is this earring ? This glove ? I didn 't know you were interested in climate change , they 'd say , picking up her book on melting glaciers . And whether he would say that it was hers , Kelsey 's , or whether he answered vaguely , or even lied , he 'd be thinking of her . " We 've got time for once more , " she said . Sean shook his head , but after a minute , he sat down on the bed . She took the glasses off him and put them on . " Do I look like a schoolteacher ? " she said . He shook his head . " Librarian ? " She took his hand and licked his thumb and then each of the other fingers in turn . " You 're thinking about something , " she said . In fact , he was thinking about his aunt . She liked him to call her by name , Lil , instead of Auntie , which was what he 'd called her when he was little , apparently . He didn 't really remember . They had visited her several times in the convent , which he remembered vaguely , but then she 'd gone to someplace in South America to teach English to little kids . She was fourteen years older than he was , but she seemed younger , more his own age , especially compared to Sean 's mother . She had a way of cornering Sean and trying to get him to talk about what he was going to do in life . " Don 't let anyone talk you into anything , " she had said several times . Did this mean she 'd been talked into the convent ? He had asked his mother , and she 'd told him it was none of his business . He sometimes thought that his mother didn 't like her sister all that much . Which meant , he knew , that her other life had started to creep into her mind , the life where she made dinner for her kids and reminded her husband to mow the lawn , or whatever . He had found that when he thought about this other life , he couldn 't help thinking of it in terms of his own home and parents . He didn 't like that , the weird mingling of his mother and Kelsey , his father and Michael , an overlay that warped what he knew about family . He knew that his mother would think that what he was doing was wrong . His father might pass it off as a boys - being - boys kind of thing , something he 'd grow out of , but his mother was more scrupulous , more religious . She went to church even during the week sometimes , she prayed the rosary every night . It suddenly occurred to him that his aunt might mention something about seeing him here with a girl , and he went cold all over . He 'd go home , and his mother would know . Or maybe she 'd know anyway , even if Aunt Lil didn 't say anything . Which was ridiculous . But he decided he had to take a shower , if only to get rid of this chilly sweat . Kelsey sat on the bed and listened to the pattering of the shower down the hall . The house had only one bathroom , just like her own . She lived in a neighborhood of bungalows , each a little box with a pointed roof , one and a half stories , a concrete stoop with an overgrown bush next to it . Their landlord 's name was Bill . He was immensely fat , and he never ascended the three steps of the stoop when he came to collect the rent or discuss repairs . He stood by the bottom step , leaning on the railing , and shouted to them in the house , then stood there wheezing until someone came out . Michael thought it was funny , but Kelsey found it annoying . It was chilly . She could hear the furnace banging - Sean had turned the thermostat up when they got there . The itch to get home was starting to grow on her . Her daughters were at her mother - in - law 's . She had to pick them up , and all the details this would take - the conversation she 'd have to have with her mother - in - law , the car ride home , the way the key always stuck in the lock of the front door , the noise they would make falling over in the hall when they took their boots off - it made her itch all over so that she couldn 't be still . But running alongside that itch , that impatience , was something about the way their hair lay on their heads , so smooth , or that place between their necks and shoulders that always smelled good , even when they were dirty . They were named after her husband 's sister and her own grandmother , the dead one , and sometimes she wished that she 'd given them names that didn 't belong to anyone , names that would let them be separate . Or something . She didn 't know what she meant . Kelsey opened the door of the bedroom and stood in the hall , listening to the shower , then , not bothering to get her clothes , walked down the carpeted stairs . It was very unlike her house , which was full of toys and furniture that they 'd gotten at Goodwill or from relatives . Everything here was old , not Goodwill old , but museum old . The tables and chairs were dark wood . The windows had two layers of curtains - one satiny and one sheer . In the dining room there was an immense sideboard with a silver bowl on it and two candles , one on either side . A door led into the kitchen , which looked more as if someone lived here , or had lived here . There was a mug in the dish drainer . Maybe the aunt had stopped to make herself a cup of tea . The cupboard was half open from when Sean had been looking for something to eat . Kelsey sat at the kitchen table , the wood of the chair cold under her butt . She could see the back yard from here , a snow - covered square with a statue of the Virgin Mary in the back corner . If she lived here , she 'd get rid of that for sure . And she 'd change the ugly curtains in the window over the sink - orange and yellow blobs on a green background . She put her bare feet on another chair , imagining living here with Sean . His grandmother might leave it to him in her will . In this imagined life , Sean had finished college and had gotten a job writing for one of those news blogs . Although how much money did they pay ? Kelsey herself would have a job , too , although she didn 't know what , something that she had to wear high heels and an expensive suit maybe , in an office . Her daughters would be here , somehow , coloring Disney princesses on the kitchen table when she came home from work . All the jobs she 'd had so far had involved food in some way : waitress , hostess , convenience store clerk . Her work study hours at the college were in the cafeteria , although she was trying to get it changed to something where she didn 't have to smell like pizza cheese all the time . Although that was good for her diet : sometimes she skipped dinner altogether after working . The phone rang , and Kelsey 's head jerked around . She could see the phone on a small table in the dining room - so old that it had a dial , which she 'd never seen IRL before . She waited for the ringing to stop , or for the answering machine to pick up or for Sean to answer it , but the water was still running upstairs , and he probably couldn 't hear it . It rang and rang , and finally she went into the dining room and picked it up . " Hello ? " she said . But the person on the other end didn 't seem to have heard her , or paid attention . " Tell him Vera said he should come and pick her up now . He 's late . " " I 've told them I don 't like green beans , but they keep - " her voice faded down to nothing and them came back . " I don 't like this phone . So bring a new one when you come . " The voice was a little slurred but imperious . Kelsey had guessed that it was Sean 's grandmother . " OK , " she said . " I 'll tell him . " Upstairs , the water shut off . Sean went back to the bedroom for his clothes - they were still scattered on the floor where he 'd left them earlier . Kelsey wasn 't there , which annoyed him a little . Not that he wanted to have sex again right now , but he didn 't like the idea of her wandering around in his grandmother 's house . He pulled on his underwear and jeans . They weren 't any dirtier than they 'd been when he took them off , but they felt as if they were . He stuck his head in his t - shirt and went downstairs . " Kelsey ? " he called . She was in the kitchen , looking in the refrigerator , head ducked and butt out . She was still wearing only her underwear . " Put some clothes on , " he said . Kelsey sat down on one of the chairs . She 'd found a carton of yogurt and was eating it , her elbows propped on his grandmother 's ancient formica table , her small breasts jiggling a little as she spooned it up . " Your grandma called , " she said . " I think it was her anyway . " Sean nodded . His grandfather had been dead for long enough that he didn 't remember him all that well as a person , more just a big shape with a mustache . " I was named after him . My middle name . " Kelsey didn 't answer him . She scraped the last of the yogurt out with her spoon . She was sitting sprawled , her legs apart , and he could see the shadow of her pubic hair through the cloth of her underpants . " Why did your aunt stop being a nun ? " " How should I know ? " He went to the cupboard where the glasses were kept in neat ranks , upside down . He took one out , and although it had a scrim of dust on it , he turned on the faucet and filled it . " She wanted to do good , I guess . " Sean sometimes had thoughts about his aunt , about Lil . About her breasts or the shape of her ass in jeans . She was older but not that old . It seemed weird that someone who had been a nun would wear jeans that tight . " Do good , " Kelsey said , her voice mocking . " So she 's the kind of person who thinks she knows what 's good for everybody . " She sat up straight and drew her legs together . " I just don 't get people like that . Everything is so screwed up anyway , what difference does it make ? If one person does good , " she emphasized the word , " the whole world is just going to go on being the same . So what 's the point ? " " I don 't know , " Sean said . " Why are we talking about this ? " Why were they still here ? He wanted more than anything right now to push Kelsey out the front door and never see her again . He had to drive her home though . And he couldn 't help but look at her skin , which he knew was soft , and at her breasts , of which he knew the heft . Upstairs , Kelsey put on her jeans and stood in front of the mirror brushing her hair with Sean 's grandmother 's brush . Vera : a weird old - fashioned name , like someone in a show on PBS . The bristles of the brush were worn away at the edges . How long would you have to be brushing your hair to do that ? Kelsey knew that Sean was annoyed that she had talked to his grandmother . But what was she supposed to do , hang up on her ? Her voice had been crackly and slurred , as if she were holding something in her mouth , something she couldn 't swallow . She put on her shirt and brushed her hair in a tail over her shoulder , smoothing it down with her hands . Maybe she would take the key when Sean wasn 't looking . Maybe she would come back on her own . She imagined herself walking through the house , sitting down on the velvety couch in the living room , opening the china cabinet to look at the wine glasses and tea cups . She wished she had a house like this where she could come and be alone . If she came here again , maybe Vera would call . She imagined that they would talk but she couldn 't imagine what it would be about . Maybe about how stupid it was that her daughter had become a nun . Kelsey couldn 't think of anything worse than living with a bunch of women , doing good and not having sex . Sex was the one thing , she thought , the one thing . She put her shoes on and stood for a minute by the mirror , looking at herself with the bedroom behind her . The bed sheets were rumpled , half hanging on the floor , but this wasn 't her house and she didn 't have to make the bed here , so she went down the stairs , holding the brush so that the broad part of it was hidden in the palm of her hand . If it hadn 't been snowing , he would have been able to look from his grandmother 's kitchen window into the kitchen window of her neighbor , but the snow was coming down hard and he could only see the outline of the house next door . How many times had his grandmother stood here , washed dishes looking out at the neighbor 's house , checking the weather ? How many cookies had she baked in this kitchen , many of which he had eaten ? She was in the nursing home but somehow in his mind she wasn 't . His brain wanted her to be here , opening the refrigerator to get out a snack when he came by after school . She persisted in thinking that he was going to be a reporter on a newspaper , no matter how many times he tried to explain about blogs and media platforms . How many times had she wiped her hands on the dish cloth that hung from the drying rack ? He took it down and wiped his own hands , but the cloth was thin now and they still felt damp when he was done . Sean stopped the car on the corner of her street and Kelsey got out . " Hey , " he said as she came around the side of the car . She made a circling motion with her hand and when he rolled the window down she pulled his head through and kissed him . A movie kiss , a romantic goodbye kiss . " I thought you needed to be careful , " he said . " What if someone 's looking ? " All the houses were snug , buttoned up , the snow falling like a curtain to hide her . She put her hand in her purse to feel the bristles of Vera 's brush , and then pulled up her collar and walked down the street . Someone had gone this way ahead of her , someone with big feet and a long stride , and she played a game of fitting her boots into the prints . The snow was ankle deep , soft and fine , the flakes a cold tickle on her overheated skin . She jumped from one footprint to another , stretching her legs . It was like ballet class , her five - year - old pink - tutued self grown tall . She looked back on her fat child self in confusion . What did I think I was doing , she thought . Her kids were not going to do ballet , that wasn 't going to happen . Halfway down the second block , she stopped her leaping and walked more slowly , not caring if the snow got in her low boots . Here is where her neighbor lived , here the woman who yelled at kids when they played on her lawn , here the place where Kelsey had sideswiped the pole with the car , just a little . What was there in the freezer that could be transformed into dinner ? Would anyone come over tonight ? The cares and feeling of the Kelsey who was someone 's wife and someone 's mother came over her and she plodded the last few steps , her feet dragging and bunching the snow . Mary Grimm has had two books published , Left to Themselves ( novel ) and Stealing Time ( story collection ) - both by Random House . She teaches fiction writing at Case Western Reserve University , and is currently working on a novella about a haunted high school . © 2017 Waypoints |
Love or rather being in love is a beautiful but deadly force . It goes into the very depths of your soul . Your spirit holds on and your body yearns for that one touch . That daily dose of closeness and intimacy that is only yours . And when you don 't get your fix , you have chilling episodes where you can feel the pain crawling on your skin like a caterpillar leaving a trail of allergens all over you . I 'm not making sense I 'm I ? And such is the concept of love . But lust , well lust is much simpler . It starts with the eyes . Sometimes with a voice in the next room . Sometimes with a scent that whiffs past you on the street and somehow sticks to your clothes . Sometimes with a touch , even just a slight graze . He sat too close to me in the matatu . Maybe on purpose ? I don 't think so . The PSV was packed to the brim with a few people standing on the aisle . It was raining and water was sipping through the hinges on the window and onto his seat . He shifted to my side slightly and some water dripped from his wet umbrella onto my grey pants and some onto my black boots . He apologized . I said it was fine . It was more than fine . He paid my fare , citing the ' inconvenience ' he had caused me . Wawili ( two ) . He said to the conductor . He held up two fingers , left hand , his index and his middle . There was no ring on the third . Don 't ask me why my mind chose to emphasize that fact and write it in bold but I think you know . Veins , well defined , criss - crossed the back of his hand and disappeared under his black Calvin Klein watch and then under the sleeve of his leather jacket . He checked the time and sighed . Late for work ? I asked him . I needed more words from that beautiful mouth with a hint of a beard . Yeah , but I got my friend to open the studio so it should be fine . He answered . An artist ! My legs squeezed together . Reflex . It wasn 't just the streets getting wet . The prospect of discovering someone 's art , a stranger nonetheless has always enticed me . It 's like going on an adventure in some virgin island . You know you might find mosquitoes the size of your hand or get bit by a 6 foot snake no one 's ever seen before or fall of a cliff and into quick sand but the thrill of spending even just a few minutes discovering new beauty is just too alluring to pass up . I digress . Two posh cars were in the middle of the road , not moving . There was some kind of a minor accident . Neither drivers had come out to even look at the damage . Maybe they didn 't want to get their designer suits and shoes wet just for a minor scratch . The irritated police officer just made sure they exchanged insurance information and waved them through . Excuse me . My seat partner said and pointed toward the aisle . He was alighting at the next stop . Nooo ! I wanted to scream . Instead I moved my legs to the side and gave him way . Sorry again . He quickly said and walked down to the door . I watched him move like you 'd watch a baby taking their first steps , soaking in every moment . Weird analogy , I know , but you get my point . I probably was never going to see him again . Not physically anyway . But in my dreams ; Yoh ! On a horse going to war for his kingdom ; Or in a blacksmith 's stall beating hot metal into submission ; Or on the beach , shirtless , sweaty , bringing in his catch ; Or in a wizard 's den mixing potions and calling on powers above and below . I have strange dreams ( fantasies ) sometimes . But such is the concept of lust , it lingers on , it evolves , it sticks onto you until your eyes latch on to another . Intimacy is yet another complex entity . Into Me See . Closeness . Not necessarily romance as many believe . Just the very act of allowing another or a few into the most intricate parts of your life , your heart , your mind , your being . it transcends social rules and norms of relating , spits on them sometimes actually . You slide in gradually . It 's never forced , never coerced , never shoved down your throat and always years to be reciprocated . You see her / him / them and it 's an instant connection . She 's out of your league . She 'd never be friends with you . You know how awkward you get around new people . Remember how that one time someone said they liked your pen and because you were crushing on them you went ahead and bought them a whole set of assorted pens , matching pencils and marker pens and a matching set of scribbling pads ? Plus , she 's really serious . Looks very together and you are a mess . She 'll never give you a second look . Crap ! She just did . Well , smile back you idiot ! Don 't just stand there . Oh my , now she 's walking towards you . Can we take a photo together ? She asks . Yeah sure . You mumble back . I mean , we , are at an art exhibition anyway and they are allowing photography and it 's raining outside so it 's not like we are going anywhere and we both look pretty good , not that I was looking or staring just that when you were walking toward me you were in my line of sight and … . . Geez ! Stop rambling and just pose ! You tell yourself when you realize you 've been talking for 3 straight minutes and She 's been waiting for you to finish so y ' all can take that photo . You go home that night reliving that moment over and over . You text that you got home ok . You have a long , unexpected chat . You sleep with a smile on your face . You are convinced that that night is the start of a long and beautiful friendship ( something ) . Come over for lunch sometime , her last text said . Sure , I can cook a mean fried chicken , actually any type of chicken , chicken is my middle name . You text back then realize that you just called yourself ' chicken ' . Lunches , dinners , sleep covers , out of town camping trips , long chats , ridiculously long calls , family visits . Soon you realize , there is nothing about you that this person does not know . Even those deep dark secrets that wake you up in the middle of the night . Even the weird stuff like how sometimes on your way to work in the morning you kinda wish you 'd get slightly hit by a small car so you 'd just break a leg because you really hate your job and you just need a two - month " accidental " break from it and life in general . Bffs , soulmates , peas in a pod , birds of a feather , flocking all over town painting things red and mixing in other colors in the process . Always defining and redefining what levels of intimacy you are on or going on . Like I said , it 's complex . Mix it in with love and eish , Until it ends and then . . heartbreak . But that 's a story for another day . For now , enjoy the ride . He turned off the alarm , pushed his black Egyptian - silk sheets to the side and sat at the edge of his custom made mahogany king - sized bed . He looked back to the other side of the bed , it was rough too . He tries to sleep on both sides now . He looked up to the ceiling Those were the words written on the poster his therapist had advised he have made . He glued it top the ceiling above his bed so it would be the first thing he saw when he woke up . That was his mantra . He lifted himself off the bed , at least it took less time now . He walked into the bathroom , turned on the hot shower and tried to scrub the nightmares away . He dressed up in his navy blue Armani suit , and as he fastened his tie in front of the mirror , he felt the loneliness start to creep in . " Not today , not today , not today " he mumbled to himself repeatedly and quickly walked to his sock drawer . He can 't stop moving , helps to shut out the voices in his head . He has a quick breakfast , leaves instructions for his housekeeper and gardener on the platinum double door fridge and walks out to the garage , gets into his black , Audi Q7 , opens the garage door and drives out . He is grateful for the buzz of traffic and a city awake . Before , just a few years ago actually , he couldn 't wait to get home , now he worked overtime every day and spends the better part of the night having drinks or barbecue with his boys . They were his rock . Without them , he would have jumped off that bridge a while ago . Therapy was working well and he had found faith somehow . He prayed a lot . He still thought about her . Four years of history is hard to let go especially because of how she left and the mess she left behind . The mess he had been cleaning up for a whole year now . Theirs wasn 't a story with happy ending but it had a beautiful albeit quick beginning . They had met in college where they were both pursuing master 's degrees in different fields . It wasn 't love at first sight , far from it actually . He hated her , well hate is a strong word though that is what he felt for her now , back then it was more dislike . He should have stuck to his gut feeling but he was in a dark place back then which probably wasn 't the right time to get into any relationship but especially not with her . He had lost his mother a few months before they met . She had died in her sleep . The autopsy said it was a brain aneurysm . There was nothing anyone could have done . At the funeral , Shaka had stayed back as everyone left for home . He fell to his knees beside the freshly filled grave and wailed . She was a mean soul but he loved her to her dying breath . His father had run off with another woman when Shaka was just 11 years old . He had left Shaka , his baby sister then only 3 years old and their mother alone . They weren 't destitute ; she was a career nurse , doing well at a local private hospital . They lived in a nice house which they owned and lacked nothing , nothing but the warmth of love . His father had left him something , something Shaka wished he could scrape off ; his face . Since he was a baby , everyone knew who his father was . He had his eyes , his nose , his jaw even his hairline . He truly was his father 's son . At the beginning this was something he drove great pride from because even as a child because everyone around him would make such a big fuss of it . But then that night came when an eleven year old boy 's life was turned upside down . It was late but Shaka had always been a light sleeper . He heard his parents arguing , it was loud and pretty heated . As a curious kid of course he went out of his room to eavesdrop . His sister was asleep in her room . He walked to the staircase and sat on the top step . He could see both of them in the hall way downstairs . They were both very angry , screaming over each other like they were competing who could scream loudest . He had never seen either of them this angry . At the time , he couldn 't really understand what was going on exactly . They would always fight in their bedroom if ever and even then , it would be in hush hush tones . " Sawa ! ( Fine ! ) Kwani wafikiri tutakufa ukienda kwa huyo malaya wako ? ! ( You think we will die if you ran off with that prostitute ? ) his mother shouted back . Shaka saw his father walk toward the staircase . It was too late to run to his room . His father stared at him for a few seconds at the bottom step , sighed then rushed up the stairs to their bedroom . Shaka ran to his room . A few minutes later , he heard a door bang shut , someone going down the stairs and the front door open and bang shut . He ran to the window and looked outside . As his father walked up to his car , Shaka silently willed him to turn around . Maybe if he saw his grief - stricken son 's face he would come back . He did turn around , their eyes did meet , he did see the tears fall down Shaka 's face but he did not come back . Shaka never saw his father again and his mother , well , any specks of gentleness she had left walked right out the door with that man . Shaka knew she tried so hard to shield them from the darkness that slowly crept over her over the years that were to follow and so he always tried to be a good boy . His sister tried too . They both did exceptionally well in school , did all their chores on time and essentially just stayed out of their mothers way . The hugs , the ' I love yous ' , they all stopped soon enough and all that remained when a little boy and a little girl hugged their mother was a quick pat on the back and instructions for the next day 's chores . After a while , they all just stopped trying . Now as Shaka watched his woman walk away , he racked his brain trying to figure out what he had done to make her leave . It must have been his fault somehow . People don 't just leave , right ? I went for an RA meeting last week . We meet twice a month because two weeks is all it takes for some of these guys to fall hopelessly in love ; me included . We share war stories about grand - gestures gone wrong and romance stories we have enacted in real life that should have been left in rom - coms and romance novels of the damsel in distress and prince charming kind . This one guy , for Valentine 's day , because his girlfriend once mentioned that she would love to go to Paris , the poor fellow , unable to afford to take them on a trip to Paris went ahead and built a model of the city , Eiffel tower and all , just for her . That thing took him a total of three months to complete . He you - tubed the heck out of it . He really should have stopped there but of course he didn 't . Hopeless romantics never just stop at the one grand gesture . It 's all about the series of gestures that would lead up to the ultimate grand gesture . Bigger is always better . So for dinner he takes her to this fancy French restaurant in a leafy suburb an hour drive away , gets a table by the pond and has a violinist play for them as they ate food that he ordered in fluent French . The guy couldn 't even say ' Bonjour ' just a few months ago ! What does he get in return you ask ? A generic ' happy valentine 's day ' card and a tie . A flippin ' tie ! It wasn 't even one of those fancy knitted ties the cool guys wear nowadays , that he actually likes . Nah ; the lady just got one off the street that cost like 200bob at most . It was black with grey stripes . Yes , he wore it to the meeting because we love to make points . We all burst out laughing at the end of his share , mostly because we would have done the same thing in his place . We advise him to stick to chocolates and teddy bears next time and maybe an Eiffel tower key ring but we all know we 'll be seeing a model of New York City next time because he said she mentioned that that was another place she would love to visit . I can 't wait to see what colour tie he gets next year . I saw a few people takiThe next share was from another fellow . Now this one was downright hilarious . So this guy ( let 's call him Mike ) has a girlfriend , now fiancée that he 's been dating for about three months . Yes , three months is enough to date and get engaged and get married for a romantic . Their wedding was in two weeks . Who needs months or years of courtship and planning ? When you know , you know . In their defense , they did know each other briefly in high school . I use the term ' know ' loosely because Mike just kind of saw her perform a narrative at a drama festival ; chatted her up , got her name and school address and proceeded to send her love notes for three months straight , every week , like clockwork . Of course he used the flowery writing pads , and splashed his cologne on every envelope . He only got one letter back . The girl soon transferred to another school and didn 't give Mike the new address so they lost touch and reconnected just last year . You should have seen Mike at the meeting after they reconnected . " I found her guys , she must be the one ! " He announced . We tried to caution him to take it slow because he didn 't know where the girl stood or even if she was available but he hit us with a " You know the saying guys , If you love something , set it free , if it comes back , marry it ! " We laughed through the whole meeting and congratulated him on his upcoming nuptials . We all knew he was going to propose soon . So on this random day he takes his girl out on a date . We romantics don 't know special occasions or holidays , we pretty much just smother you with love all year round . I don 't use the term ' smother ' loosely . She had mentioned in passing that she had always loved camel rides down at the coast , on the beach , when she was a kid so of course Mike went ahead and hired a camel for the day . They went to a park where camel rides could be made available at the request of the visitors . They were at the gate waiting for said camel because the park has you sign a release form incase anything goes wrong and you have to pay a small caution fee . As the camel was arriving , this bike - rider ( bodaboda ) started taunting the animal . He roared his engine loudly and even tried to run it off the road . I kid you not ; the camel kicked the guy off the bike and sat on his face ! The camel 's caretaker quickly came to the idiot 's aid and got the camel to calmly get off his face . The bike - rider had to apologise to the camel from a safe distance . I have never seen a man so embarrassed . Camels don 't play . Suffice to say no one rode on that camel that day so they had a picnic together instead , fed it apples and petted it . Some of children who were at the park also came in to join the fun . It was delightful and a definite win for Mike ; his girlfriend said she had never laughed that hard in her life . I won 't be able to attend Mike 's wedding but I can 't wait to hear stories . We all know ' grand ' doesn 't even begin to describe what he has in store . Why bother getting wedding ideas from wedding magazines or watching wedding shows or hiring a wedding planner when all you really need is a romantic to dream up your wedding from start to finish . You might have to scale it down a bit but you can be sure it will be like nothing you 've ever heard or seen before and it will blow everyone 's mind . The incredible hulk saved my life yesterday . He took the syringe from my hands and threw it out through the open window . You know those were for the dog right ? I asked him in shock . The doctor says I have to give him injections thrice a day . I hate doing it because he always looks at me dead in the eye with those sad puppy eyes , like you are right now . I said to him and sat him on the edge of my bed . It 's ok , you 've had a long day , why don 't you go watch some TV as I get dinner ready and prepare for the guests . I told him as I led him into the living room area and turned on the TV . He just sat there flipping through the channels , I think it relaxes him . We all know we need him relaxed ; no one wants a giant green thingy terrorizing the neighbours . My relationship with the landlord was already dicey after a few incidents I would rather not get into right now . I took out more medication for Papi , my puppy . I had to inject him through the neck . The vet said that the medicine would get into his system quicker that way . Just three more days of it and the poor thing would be in the clear . I found the little guy abandoned down the street , next to the overflowing county garbage bin . No one really emptied it anymore after the last workers ' strike . Every last civil servant and county staff were fired and new ones quickly shipped in from the neighbouring countries in the region to take over . Of course they were paid as expats and the country was practically oozing dollars all because the government refused to yield . This ego business was soon going to bring us to our knees . I wish I could say it wasn 't my circus but the bin was a few hundred metres away from our apartment building , I had to go by it to get to my place . I would always rush by to get minimum whiff of the stench . There was a rundown settlement right next to it . I wondered how people lived there with the smell from the bin and busted sewer lines that sent waste flowing in the shallow trenches that ran beside the shacks . They had to keep digging them reOn that day I slowed down because I heard a muffled sound coming from the other side of the bin . I moved in closer to check after I picked up a rock just in case . It was a tiny rock , the size of my fist ; not really the kind of thing that could protect you from say , a rabid dog but hey , it did give me a false sense of security . The tiny thing was lying in a box covered in black goo . I teared up soon as I saw it . I didn 't even know if it was a cat , a dog , a rat or some mutated animal thingy . I took off my scarf and scooped it up . I managed to wipe of most of the gunk and that 's when it opened up its eyes and looked right into mine . I can 't explain what I felt in that moment exactly but I think I saw a glimpse of myself in the wretched animal . It fell right asleep in my arms like it somehow knew it had found a home . I took it home , bathed it , fed it , called him Papi and I guess the rest is history . Papi fell sick often for the next few months but the vet said that was because of all the filth he had been exposed to and also because he never really breastfed at all . I wondered if his mother ever looked for him . Catwoman saved my life last night . She came in through the fire escape on my balcony . I didn 't even hear her come in . She knocked the bottle of pills from my hand and held me for what felt like hours . You don 't have to do this Anike . You 'll be fine . She said in a whisper . Ummm , I just had a headache and needed Panadol and I kind of mixed everything together in one bottle so I had a lot pf pills in my hand because I was trying to get the right ones . She let go of me quickly ; I could see the embarrassment in her eyes . What 's for dinner ? She asked quickly desperate to put that awkward mushy moment behind us . I followed her cue and gave her a breakdown of the menu . Right , so I will need to borrow your pants , the ones with an elastic band at the waist because this leather costume will not be able to handle what 's about to happen . She said and went straight to rummaging through my closet . They are right where you left them last time woman ! I said as I pulled them out of a drawer and handed them to her . She proceeded to undress down to her underwear . Well that escalated quickly , I said with a chuckle and briskly walked to the kitchen . I mean who wants to see their superheroes naked ? Don 't answer that . So what 's up with the little - big guy ? Catwoman asked pointing toward the hulk on the sofa . I didn 't even hear her come into the kitchen . Maybe we should put a bell around you ? I said jokingly . She wasn 't amused . He had a really bad day at work at the lab . I started to tell her the story . This other scientist had been using the lab 's funding and equipment to create some kind of freaky robots . They looked like human - sized dolls made of silicon but with a computer brain ( I was simplifying it because I didn 't understand the science jargon he used but I got the gist ) . Anyway , this mad - scientist had them in some bunker not too far from the lab and claimed they were the ' greatest breakthrough in artificial intelligence applications in warfare ' . Soon the robots could talk like humans , walk like humans and even hold real conversations . He would have them watch all kinds or war movies and train in war scenarios . A few broke loose and slaughtered the guards and a couple of doctors that were there but thankfully did not escape from the bunker . Violence was all they knew after all . They had to shut down the project and destroy the robots . It was gruesome . They also screamed like humans . Hulk or rather Bruce Banner ( his human alter - ego , the brilliant scientist ) was there for all of it as lead supervisor . It took a lot out of him ; I have no idea how he managed to keep calm . I finished . Cat woman looked at me and winked . I knew what it meant . The rizzlers and grinder are on that shelf and you know where to find the rest . Do you need a pen or something to help roll it ? I asked her . She rolled her eyes at me and sighed . Do I look like an amateur Anike ? She asked . Relax , my bad . I told her and blew her a kiss . She 's so touchy that one . I heard the bell ring and went to open the door for the rest of the dinner guests . My younger sister Amina and her boyfriend Batman , who had to introduce himself every time he walked into a room even though we could all see the costume and he would always forget to put the bat - mobile in stealth mode . We could hear him coming from a mile away . Shoes on the rack , drinks are on the table and no one talk to Bruce till he 's had his fix . I announced as I ushered them in . The landlord had come too with Mrs . Maanake nonetheless . They both tried to hide the fact that they came together but I got a knowing look from Mrs . Maanake . I couldn 't wait for that story . A couple more people from the apartment building came too even though I do not remember inviting anyone else . It must have been one of those polite ' I 'm inviting you but hoping you won 't come ' situations . There was more than enough food and drinks though so , the more the merrier I guess . Soon the room was filled with music and chatter . Batman was showing off his latest tech and bragging about how not even Ironman could come up with half the things he did . Oh , how I wished Ironman was here , and then we 'd have a ' tech ' - measuring contest right in my living room . And I only say ' tech ' because this is supposed to be a PG story . Ha - ha ! Catwoman busted me staring at the hulk . Stop drooling and just tell the man how you feel . She nudged . Yeah , well you couldn 't tell Batman how you felt five years ago and now he 's engaged to my sister so you are one to talk . I nudged back and quickly regretted it when I saw the sadness that had crept into her eyes . Sorry love ; I guess some wounds never heal . I said and gave her a pat on the back . I 've never been much of a hugger . Whatever ; here 's to past ' what ifs ' and women in love with angry green giants ( he 's never been a monster for me and even he was , I 'd still be madly in - love with him ) ! She said as she handed me a glass filled with a mix of everything . Here ! Here ! I said and downed whatever that was . It didn 't taste good at all . Like he knew we were talking about him , the hulk looked up straight at me and smiled . I lost the feeling in my legs and almost dropped the salad bowl . Cat woman just burst out laughing and took the bowl from my hands . I really should get new friends ; superheroes can be mean . " Am counting on it , " came his reply . She looked up at him surprised that he would want it to continue pouring cats and dogs but when she caught his gaze on her she quickly realized he was in a world of his own and wasn 't in the least bit , concerned about the weather . He had barely taken his eyes off of her since the second they had met for their date that day . He was in a weird mood today ; he kept feeling like he should make a mental note of everything . Everything about her ; everything about the day . ' Must be the weather , ' he thought to himself and shrugged it off . He had to get home , it was getting late . The buses seemed to have stalled in traffic because there was no sign of any buses going to his place . He 'd have to go all the way to Muthurwa , another bus terminus on the immediate outskirts of the city centre to get a matatu instead . It was a bit of a long walk . He was sure he lost the feeling to his legs for a second . If they kept this up , neither of them would get home that night . He had to be the man , ensure she got into a mat ok and then had home himself . " Shhh … . . you talk too much sometimes you know , " she said as she put her finger on his lips and immediately replaced it with her own . She got on the Matatu and off she went leaving him with her sweet scent and beautiful memories of the day . Muthurwa was a long walk off . It started drizzling again . He had to hurry . The streets were bustling with hundreds of people trying to get home at the same time . Hawkers packing up their wares on seeing that not so many commuters were interested in buying today . A few were still shouting their offers , trying to persuade that last buyer with the " Bei ya jioni " offer , others still with the desperate look of still trying to find their first buyer while inwardly admitting they might have to go home empty handed yet again . There were a lot of women carrying bags of shopping as is characteristic of the first week of the month . Stress lines on their faces knowing that that won 't be enough for the month and yet no more money was forth coming . Some had the plastic bags wrapped around their heads . He stopped for a moment to shade himself just outside a bank . There were a few other people there too . He overheard a couple of men cursing at the government . Something about receiving an already small pay cheque , seeing the tax cuts and various other deductions , thinking of the due and long overdue bills plus a nagging wife awaiting them at home . Yet still having to dodge potholes and scramble in crammed streets as matatus and pedestrians both fight over the same tiny pavements ; wondering about the government that promised 8 - lane superhighways , new bus terminals and state - of - the art stalls for hawkers at market places . Of course that was during their campaigning period before they actually get into power . I mean , can we really hold them to their promises after they come into power ? You 'd just have to wait for the next campaigning period . This was Tomboya Street , one of the oldest in the city . Right across from it was Moi Avenue which looked like some alternate reality version of Tomboya . Same Kenyan people yet they were seated comfortably in posh coffee houses , sipping espressos and eating fancy - name cakes that were worth as much as a family across the street had to survive on for a week . There was no scrambling here , as the patrons slowly drank coffee and waited for the rain to let up so that they can get into their big cars and drive to this club and that club for a night of partying . They did not curse at the government . Sometimes they would laugh at how some politician messed up his speech by mispronouncing all the words or struggling to even construct a proper sentence . Oh such silly politicians we have , they would say , but mostly they would talk of the latest I - phone model , Lupita Nyongo 's dress at the Oscars and Beyonce 's latest album surprise release on I - tunes . But such is the irony of life , two babies would be born the same way , naked and wailing yet they would live totally different lives but both will be buried in the same earth six feet under . He was fast approaching the bus station ; he just had to cross the road . There was a flyover though it had long been unofficially declared redundant . Two reasons ; One ; No one who after having to walk all the way from the CBD to get a matatu at Muthurwa would want to waste even more precious minutes going up and down a flyover that looked like it was being held together by chewing gum . Two ; there had been several brutal muggings that had taken place up there . He 'd have to cross the highway ; yet another death trap though luckily , there wasn 't much traffic at that time . So there was nothing to worry about except for that one oncoming bus that seemed to be precariously moving really close to the pavement . There was a crowd of people around him all waiting to cross the road so he couldn 't move back . The bus was getting close , the driver kept swerving left then right each time driving closer and closer to the pavement . ' Was no one else seeing this ? ' he wondered . He needed to move back but still couldn 't . It was noisy , the rain had gotten worse but no one budged , instead they kept pushing forward . Suddenly it was like everyone noticed the speeding manyanga at the same time ! The sudden screams confused him and for a moment , he didn 't really know which side to move . A bulky man pushed him from behind and he almost fell forward but managed to find his footing in a pothole ; now turned puddle . The bus headlights flashed several times and the horn was deafening . He needed to move back now ! But just as he did he realized his foot was stuck , he had stepped into a drain and his leg was caught . He tried pulling it out , pushing and tugging several times but it didn 't budge . All kinds of screams emanated from the crowd around him , some were shouting for him to get out of the way , others were calling out to their gods and praying for the poor boy 's soul . It was useless , the more he tried to pull , the deeper his foot went . He couldn 't believe this was how it would all end . He closed his eyes . Everything happened so fast in the seconds after then it was all over . " White was a really bad choice today huh ? " One of the men helping to get his foot out of the drain said . He opened his eyes and looked down at himself half expecting to see only half his torso . He was ok , just much wetter than before . " Haha , " he chuckled . " You are the second person to say that today " , he said to the bulky man and thanked him for helping . His foot felt a bit sore but he was more than grateful that that was all he had to worry about . The manyanga was now firmly secured in a ditch just a few feet away with a few good Samaritans helping to get the passengers out . They looked shaken up but it didn 't seem like anyone was injured . Mbugua hadn 't even seen the man get on the road as he drove up Muthurwa Lane that late evening on his way back home . It had stopped feeling like home and more like a prison to him for some time now . A ten - acre lavish jail cell ; imported bricks , imported marble tiles , imported carpet grass , even the water that ran in the state of the art eternity pool was imported . But this house was cold , it had been for six years but it wasn 't always this way . Mbugua 's wife was a beautiful woman , the envy of many her age and even younger . But even with her stunning natural beauty she had to make sure everyone noticed that she , Mrs . Sheila Mbugua now lived the life of a queen and would never go back to the mud and mabati shanties they had once called home . That she was now above the flying toilets and scavenging for scraps of leftover food from big hotels and lining up for hand outs from NGOs . That place was far behind her . Now she dined and wined in the same big hotels and they called her ' Madam ' . Nothing was going to ruin this life . Sheila had worked hard to get here , even her husband 's constant nagging about having children fell on deaf ears . She was not going to be tied down with children . But Mbugua loved his wife with very fiber of his being , lavished her with all things shiny and beautiful . But he wanted children . She said pregnancy would make her fat and ugly and she wasn 't about to ruin her figure for some little brats . He suggested that she at least get a job then so she wouldn 't stay home all day calling hair dressers and stylists and her loud - mouthed friends who only came to gossip ; she accused him of wanting too much from her . He asked her why she didn 't love him anymore and wasn 't willing to satisfy him as a man ; she accused him of having an affair and swore to strangle any woman who so much as breathed near him . He stormed out , got into his two month old metallic - black Chrysler and drove off , drowning out her screams and accusations with his favorite tunes from George Michaels . By the time Mbugua heard the scream it was too late . The man flew onto the hood of the Chrysler and hit the windshield hard almost going through then got thrown back onto the road . Mbugua panicked , he couldn 't breathe , couldn 't see or hear anything for a few seconds but knew he had to get himself together . He prayed aloud to anyone listening that the man 's life be miraculously saved but even he knew it wasn 't likely that the man had survived the impact . He opened the car door and ran out to where the man lay . Her chest tightened as the matatu passed by the accident site , everyone peered out of the windows to see . The rain was down to a drizzle . A small crowd was slowly gathering around the scene though most people just passed quickly , shaking their heads but still rushing to get home . There was a manyanga few feet away from the crowd in a ditch . A metallic black Chrysler was parked in the middle of the road with the driver 's door wide open and a man with a sharp suit was walking toward the man on the ground in the middle or a small crowd . He looked distraught . Then she saw it and realized why her gut was wrenching yet she was safe , seated in a matatu . The white jacket ! She only caught but a glimpse of it , but she was sure . It was him ! She couldn 't breathe , all sounds around her faded like whispers into the background . She got off the matatu not really knowing how her legs were moving . She felt like a zombie staggering toward a light only she was running . The light in his head kept going on and off like a torch running out of power . ' Why was everyone screaming ? ' he wondered . ' And why is there a man in a sharp suit leaning over me telling me he 's so sorry but that everything will be ok ? ' But the thing that puzzled her the most was her . What was she doing there and why was she crying ? And that 's when it all came flooding back ; the manyanga , his foot in a drain , the bulky man and the posh car . He remembered how they first met , it wasn 't the fairy tale love at first sight kind of meeting but they had both felt the connection . He remembered when she first spoke to him . It wasn 't ' Hi , my name is … ' or ' You look familiar , have we met before ? ' She had just asked him to help her carry some speakers to the concert venue and that is how their journey had begun . They did the craziest things together , one time they just cooked dinner , packed it in containers and went to the flyover at the university 's gate , sat on the steps and ate . It wasn 't a candle - lit dinner but they both admitted later that it was one of the most romantic nights of their lives . She remembered how one time he came , picked her up at her dorm , they took a long walk which was usual for them as they could stay up till five in the morning sometimes just talking . Anyway that night they just lay down in the middle of one of the streets in the school compound at around 2 : 00am and just gazed at the stars . He remembered how they would write letters to each other and to their future selves depicting their dreams for each other . She remembered how they had started writing a story together taking turns and now it was almost as long as a Lord of the Rings novel and they were still writing . He too knew he was pretty banged up . He felt the blood trickle down his forehead from where his head had hit the windshield . Every time he tried to move there was pain everywhere and he could barely feel the lower half of his body . He felt his organs slowly giving in to the numbness that was creeping up from his toes . He knew he was broken but as he looked up at her , seeing her desperate tears and that glimmer of hope in her eyes he couldn 't help but pray for a miracle . " The ambulance is here , " Mbugua spoke his first words . He also saw that the young man was pretty banged up and it made his insides churn knowing he was responsible . Someone gripped his hand from below . " It 's not your fault , " the young man said to Mbugua . " I 'll be fine , " he finished . And even though both men knew the last part of that statement wasn 't true , both held onto the slim chance that it could be . " I 'll follow you in my car , " Mbugua said as he tried with all his might to give the young man a reassuring look as he let go of his hand and the paramedics lifted him into the ambulance . Life had never felt shorter to him . He knew then that he was not going back to that jail cell he called a house tonight or any other night . He had seen what true love was and his marriage to Sheila was so far from it . All the while , the two in love just gazed into each other 's eyes so intently , so endlessly you would think they were reading each other 's minds ; maybe they were . His grip on her hand loosened , his heartbeat on the monitor slowed down . She didn 't want to lose him but she knew she would have to let go . I had a tree once , she was beautiful , she grew tall and strong . Every year yielding greater harvest than the last . I was the envy of the whole village as I brought the fruit from my tree to the market on market days . Maybe I shouldn 't have taken her in the first place , but I wanted her , needed her even . She was a strong tree . I knew she would survive . I have a garden but every summer , everything is scorched under the harsh sun and in winter , cold snow freezes the ground over . I cannot weed , I cannot plough . Everything dies in the cold and in spring I have to start over . No one would blame me if I grew tired of living this way . I needed to do something . Every day I would take a long walk through the woods . Everything was in balance there . The undergrowth was thick and plush even when under feet of snow and in the spring , oh the beauty that sprung forth . I loved the summers sitting under the shades of these mighty trees . It always felt like a different world ; a utopia of sorts . So I planned for days and one day with the help of others we went into the forest and brought home a magnificent tree . With innovation these days , anything is possible . I planted it carefully , right in the middle of my garden and watched and waited as its roots found their way underground . It wasn 't easy ; I had to tend to it day and night to ensure everything went right . But it was a strong tree and soon , it was doing even better than the plants that had been there for ages . My garden became the envy of all . People would walk past and stare . Winter , spring , summer , autumn , my garden was alive all through . One day I was sitting underneath my tree and I noticed something horrific , she was leaning . It wasn 't windy so that wasn 't it . Something far worse was happening ; my tree was growing weak and couldn 't support itself anymore . Its roots could go no further . People had warned me about this , years ago . Do not take it from its home , it will not survive they said . Cries of the envious I would shrug . But they were right . I needed to find a solution fast . Maybe if I found something it could lean on for a time ! Just for a few months until she can get back to her feet ( roots ) . I found a vine . I had never heard of it before but it was said to be able to help in these cases . The tree only needs a little support and soon it will learn to stand on its own they told me . I quickly planted the vine next to my tree and within no time it started to grow together with my tree . At first only just hugging it , taking only a little from it just to survive . It didn 't need much and it was helping . My tree soon stopped leaning so I let them be . The very next morning I was horrified by what I saw . My tree ! It was leaning again ! Worse than ever before ! There was nothing I could do . My tree had never learnt to stand on its own . You should have known better they said . What could come from such a pathetic weak tree ? they sneered . They smiled and waved now as they passed by my garden . We warned you , they would say mockingly . She was dead the minute you took her from her home . The vine was growing back ; steadily , stronger than before . I didn 't even have to water it , it just kept on growing . It was like it had taken so much from y tree and just stored it somewhere . They never told me this would happen . I was sure that if I cut it down and cut down my tree too , neither would come back . I would dream about my tree for days after that . I would dream that one day I would walk in my garden and find new shoots growing . I have never stopped watering that spot . One day . Who knows ? She might just grow back . She might just rise again . She writes about everything . We were having an argument the other day . She had said something really mean to me . I was angry now , she was angry about a different discussion I had walked away from earlier . I don 't like engaging too much when am angry , I may say something I 'll regret to someone I love dearly and that is a bridge I 'd never want to risk burning . I stopped talking and went on doing what I was doing ; watching TV or something . She stayed for a moment then disappeared into the bedroom with her book . I followed her a few minutes later . I found her scribbling into that thing like her life depended on it . I did not envy the poor journal . I asked if she was ok . She said she was just thinking . She was so calm by then , it was actually a bit scary . I think her notebook always gets the worst of it . I heard about this guy one time . He came home late , his wife was already asleep . He quietly got into bed and fell asleep too . At around 3am he stirs a little and wakes up only to find his wife staring down at him with a calm smile on her face , saying nothing . The man got out of bed , packed an overnight bag and went to stay at a hotel for a few days . That 's how you get knifed in your sleep , he would tell his friends later . It was hilarious . Anyway back to her . I went over to where she was and kissed the back of her left hand ; she 's a sucker for affectionate physical contact . She put away her book , looked at me with that look that makes my heart melt . Are you ok ? I asked again . No am not , she said and we finally settled the argument . She got a call yesterday ; from family I guess . It wasn 't a pleasant call . I could tell from her body language . I let her have a private moment . Aaaargh ! ! I heard her grunt after the call . She was not happy . Everything ok ? I asked . Hmmm ? She let out an absent minded reply then disappeared into the bedroom . I was at a loss ; torn between following her to make sure she 's ok and letting her have some time to herself . I settled for a sneak ' drive - by ' peek after a few minutes . She was writing . Her eyes were red and puffy . I didn 't hear her cry . She was clutching a pillow with her other hand . She does that sometimes ; cries or screams into pillows so she doesn 't freak me out . Even when she 's going through turmoil she would still put my feelings into consideration first . She closes her notebook with the pen still open inside . She looks up at me and smiles . She is ready to talk because now she can do it without crying . One time we were trying to get through an awkward conversation . She kept fumbling through her words . I needed her opinion and I needed it quick . I was getting impatient . Let me think please , she said and once again disappeared into the bedroom . I went in a few minutes later , I 'm not the most patient person really but she 's teaching me to be . I found her seriously engrossed in her writing . I watch her from the door for a few seconds . She 's do beautiful when she 's serious . She turns everything else off when she 's in her head . She didn 't even notice me come into the room . I go over and lie next to her and just keep gazing at her softly . She looks up at me and gives me the warmest smile . Would you like to read something I wrote ? She asks . I hesitate . It 's ok , really , she says . I couldn 't articulate myself too well before but this is what I was trying to say . She passes me the book . I read through and almost tear up . I understand , I say and give her a peck on the cheek . We didn 't need to say anything more . She has long discussions in her head sometimes ; while we are talking like in the middle of a conversation then she gives me the conclusion . You know you actually have to say the words right ? I tell her . She let 's out a loud laugh , apologizes and tells me what she was thinking . She 's weird . She writes when she 's happy and she 's had the very best day . She writes when she 's angry and can 't even look at anyone . She writes when she 's confused and needs to work through something . She writes when she 's in a foul mood and afraid she may throw a big tantrum or say something mean . She writes when someone does something sweet and unexpected for her . Not even just for the big gestures ; it 's mostly for the little things . You know the little things that make you know that someone really really cares ? She writes when I do / say bad stuff too . Bad stuff about my present and my past . The stuff that makes her jaw drop and her face cringe . I can be weird too . Can I tell you something ? I would say . She would know a bomb was about to be dropped . Ok , wait ! she would reply . She 'd cover her face with both hands and let out a tiny squeal . She 's an emoji waiting to happen that one . She 'd then take in a deep breath ; Ok tell me , I 'm ready , she 'd say . She writes the dreams she remembers sometimes . They read like epic movies . She writes after failed job interviews and tough client meetings . She writes when she 's wasted . Those read like comic books . You could practically picture her talking to herself in the mirror with this big bottle of something super strong in one hand and a pipe in the other . Don 't ask . She writes when she 's anxious and can 't sleep . When she has something really big to think through . She writes to get through awkward social situations . She 's a little shy . You 'd think she 's seriously texting someone . She isn 't . She 's just writing about how awkward she is feeling and how she wishes she could just be one of those ' life of the party ' ' hit it off with anyone ' types . She is a writer so I let her write . She 's always real th herself and the world in black and white . Maybe if I let her be real in her journal , she will always be real with me . Sometimes that may mean waiting half an hour for a one minute long answer . I don 't like the wait but I 'm learning to because it 's always worth it . |
This is the main entertainment at our house these days . The boys have discovered the fun of light switches . There happens to be one light switch that is located above the first step on the staircase . When they stand on that step , they can reach it on tip toes . At first , I fought this new - found entertainment . That lasted for only a few days and then I came to my senses and realized the futility of that battle . After discussing it with my friends in KC over the weekend , I came home prepared to deal with it differently . So today the boys were pleasantly surprised when they were allowed to turn the lights on and off and on and off , over and over and over and over again . They also get on and off and on and off the first step , over and over and over again . It is really cute actually ( see pics below ) . The only issue is that they both want to play with the switch at the same time and then someone ends up falling off of the first step and crying a bit . They have not really gotten hurt yet and the falls have not been that bad so far , which is good . But the fighting and falling is not a very good thing so , when this starts , I make the steps off limits for a while . On and off , on and off go the lights . This is a double switch . One side controls the light above the staircase and the other controls the light above the fireplace and two small lights between the kitchen and living room . And then I wipe my hands all over the wall . For some reason , he likes the feel of the wall , so he rubs his hands around on it . Fortunately , the paint has a bit of a gloss on it so we will be able to clean it , hopefully . Ben , what does a monkey say ? Ooo ooo ooo ooo ! They know lots of animal sounds now . Our trips to the zoo and the farm are paying off . They also have learned how to put almost every shape into the more complex shape sorter that we have . It has ten different shapes , some are very similar and some only fit in one direction so it has been a bit of a challenge for them . I am amazed at how quickly they have learned it though . They love to do it again and again . Their puzzle skills should start improving soon , which is great because I am tired of the emptying - the - puzzle stage . Today , Ben signed for " more " when he wanted more of something we were eating . Nick has been doing this for a while but Ben just did it today , out of the blue . I was surprised . Maybe he picked up on it because both Nick and my friend 's little girl were signing for more a couple of times over the weekend . And , back to the subject of eating . This evening we were having baked salmon and broccoli and the boys could not get enough of the broccoli . When Nick saw that dad was getting more from the pan , he signed for more , very urgently . I was spooning it out of the pan and he kept asking for more the entire time until we ran out . And this was after he had already asked for seconds of the salmon . Ben asked for seconds also . It was pretty funny . I told my husband I would have liked to get that on video but I didn 't want my food to get cold . . . . I mean colder . Our little Nick is definitely a people person . He loves hanging out with people and is not as likely as Ben to go play by himself and keep himself entertained . He is also a little flirt , always waving and smiling at people when we are out and about . He would get upset if a stranger wanted to hold him but he is very happy to smile and wave and put on a little cute performance for them from a distance . And he never sits still for a minute . Busy is his middle name . I predict he will have a great sense of humor and will love to laugh ( he already does ) . He also may be a little less likely to want to dig into his studies : ) . On the other hand , we think Ben is just the opposite . He enjoys hanging out with us for a while but also likes time to play on his own . If we have been out and around people for a while , such as at my mom or sister 's house , when we get home Ben will go play by himself for a while . Ben loves to sit and look at books by himself and wants to be read to A LOT . Nick may let you read a couple of pages but will start turning pages too fast or will take off with the book . It is too funny how different they are . He is so quick , it is a challenge to get good pics of him . He runs everywhere he goes . Ben has recently started running also , so they are keeping me very busy these days . We 're back ! ! We had the best time visiting our friends in Kansas City for the weekend . Our friends ' house , where we stayed , had lots of room and lots of adults and kids and tons of toys and it was so much fun . I thought it would be tiring to have the kids away from home but it really wasn 't . It is amazing how much easier it is when there are so many adults around to keep an eye on them and I really enjoyed visiting with my friend , her parents and her brother visiting from CA . Her brother and his wife home schooled their four children , the youngest of whom is now 18 years old , so it was very interesting and educational to talk with him about their experiences with home schooling . My friend has two daughters adopted from Russia , a four year old and 22 month old . Ben is 20 months old now and Nick is 18 . 5 months old , so we had a lot of fun watching them all play . Nick and Ben were especially interested in what the four year old did and watched her a lot . They loved pushing her baby carriage and would also drag around her doll , if they could get away with it . It was very funny . They were easily entertained , since there were lots of new toys for them to play with . Another highlight of our trip was that we watched , for the first time , the video we took during our first trip to Russia to adopt our boys . My friend was there at the same time to bring home her second daughter and they were frequently in the background of our video , which was really neat . It was amazing to see how much our boys had changed in 5 months , most especially Ben . We had forgotten how very far behind developmentally he was when we first met him . Anyone meeting him today would never know he had ever been behind developmentally . On Sunday we all went to church and then out to dinner at the Cheesecake Factory . Yum ! My husband did a great job of keeping the boys entertained until the food came ( peak - a - boo with napkins on their heads : ) . On our way back to the house , we stopped at an Einstein 's Bagels because I was really looking forward to having some REAL bagels again . That is one of the things I missed most since we moved to Oklahoma . We had an Einstein 's Bagels in Houston but where we live in Oklahoma , we only have Panera Bread and they only make sourdough bagels , which I don 't really care for . I had a blueberry bagel snack that afternoon and oh was it good ! Later that evening , we had grilled hamburgers with all the fixin 's and we even had homemade ice cream ! I had not had homemade ice cream since I was a kid . It tasted so good and the boys really enjoyed it too . Yesterday we went to a farm that is just the most awesome place for kids . We all had a great time . They have all of the typical farm animals and baby animals , up close and personal , with petting areas and food / bottles to feed them , along with pony rides , fishing and little tractor rides ( the kind kids pedal ) . It was really a wonderful place for kids and it is FREE , if you can believe that ! ! Absolutely amazing ! We ate in their picnic area afterwards and then we started our journey home . The boys were so tired from the farm that they fell asleep almost immediately . Nick had actually fallen asleep in the stroller while we were ordering our food but he woke up to eat with us . That was the first time either of our boys had ever fallen asleep in a stroller . . . . but then , this was the first time we have ever taken them away from home for an overnight stay and to a busy , fun place like the farm for half a day , missing their nap . They both took nice , long naps and we were in a perfect place to stop for a bite and change of diapers when they woke up . At that point , we were about half way home . We got out the double DVD player and set it up and they watched that at times , while also playing with toys . I had packed a bunch of smaller toys in a large bag and put it between their car seats so they could reach them . It really worked out well . We made great time until we came to an area where there is a bunch of construction and the road goes down to one lane . Miles before this , the traffic came to a halt and we inched forward for about 45 minutes . I was a bit concerned about how the boys would handle this , since being stopped or going very very slow for long periods of time makes them think we should be getting out of the car . But we were very impressed with how they handled it . We heard a couple of whines to begin with from Ben but really , for the most part , that was about it . We would just ignore them ( the whines ) because it seems that paying attention to them only makes them worse . So we ignored them and very soon he stopped whining and accepted the situation . Our car trip was about 4 to 5 hours there and 5 to 6 back and we never heard any crying from the boys at all , other than a little whining when they were fighting sleep or not happy with sitting still in traffic , but that didn 't last long . My husband and I were both very impressed with how well they handled the long car rides . We only made one stop on the way there and one on the way back and , in both directions , they took pretty good naps and then played with toys and watched their DVD 's the rest of the time . They were happy to get home though . We came in the house and immediately took them for a bath because they had sunscreen on from being outside at the farm . They love their bath so they were running to get to the stairs and very excited for their bath . After bath , we ended up bringing them back downstairs for a bite to eat , as they had not eaten a whole lot when we had stopped . They each ate half of a chicken pot pie and then played for a few minutes before finally going down to bed around 9 : 00 pm ish . My husband unloaded the car and clean up our car messes while I was feeding the boys , which was great . We really make a good team . We are both hard workers and we try to do things to help each other and make things easier for the other , which is nice . When the boys first came home , they were like clockwork with their sleeping schedule . They woke up almost every morning between 8 : 00 and 8 : 30 am , napped from 10 : 00 to noon and again from 4 : 00 to 6 : 00 pm and went to bed at 8 : 30 pm . Of course , they were about 5 months younger then than now . Now , Ben is almost 20 months old and Nick is right around 18 . 5 months old . Although they are both still great sleepers , their sleep schedules are changing and I am struggling to keep up . Ben requires less sleep than Nick , which presents a challenge for a mom who needs a bit of down time in her day . These days , I am just going with the flow . We no longer have a set schedule . I try to read them , understand their sleep needs and meet them as well as I can . Nick tends to wake up earlier in the morning than Ben , usually around 7 : 30 or 8 : 00 . Yesterday , Ben slept until after 9 : 00 am and Nick woke up around 8 : 00 or 8 : 30 . Generally , their morning nap is slowly moving out each day and , sometimes , becoming longer . They are now going down for nap around 11 : 00 am ish and , sometimes , waking up around 2 : 00 pm ish . When this happens , they normally don 't need an afternoon nap . If their morning nap is only a 2 hour nap , Nick will need at least a short nap in the late afternoon . Ben does not , although I will sometimes try to get him to take a short one so I can have a break and start dinner . I tend to be a creature of habit and I like having a routine , so this has been a challenge for me . Also , I eat breakfast around 6 : 00 am normally , so I am usually ready for lunch around 11 : 00 am , which means that I really want them to go down for nap around that time so I can eat peacefully . I know I have to learn to eat with them up , but I am struggling because this is not peaceful for me at all . I like to sit down on the couch , turn on the news or my laptop or read a good book while I eat my lunch and take a break . When they are awake and I am eating , I usually have to rush , frequently have to share whatever I am eating with them and usually have to play referee because they will do everything they can to get my attention during this time . There is nothing fun or peaceful about this . I need to figure out another way to handle this so I can eat , at least somewhat peacefully , when they are awake . Any suggestions ? As for food for the boys , so far I have found very few things that they don 't like . I have not found any veggie that they don 't like . Some favorites are green beans , peas , sugar snap peas , broccoli ( they can 't get enough of this ! ) , sweet potatoes , potatoes and corn . They love their veggies soooo much that I frequently have to hold back the veggies until they are almost done with their protein dish , otherwise they only want to eat their veggie . They would rather eat veggies than PB & J sandwiches . Based on something I read on the American Academy of Pediatrics web site , I usually serve yellow or orange colored veggies for lunch and green veggies for dinner . Unfortunately , I am somewhat of a picky eater so that limits us , although I do serve the boys several things that I don 't care for and that they love , such as tuna fish sandwiches . The only fruit I have found that they didn 't care for that much was pears . They especially love apples , bananas , grapes ( peeled and cut in half ) and strawberries . They are normally very good eaters , although they both have times when they don 't eat much and I just shrug and know that they will eat when they are hungry . They normally make up for it at the next meal . There have been several times when I thought they didn 't care for something I served and then they ate it up at a later meal . Sometimes , they are just not that hungry , but most times they are and they eat very well . They have so many meals and snacks ( and they continue to gain weight ) so I know they are getting enough to eat . I fixed pork chops the other night and they couldn 't get enough of them . They also love a couple of my chicken casseroles , chicken pot pies , cheese pizza , turkey and cheese sandwiches ( heated ) and egg salad sandwiches ( heated with melted cheese on top ) . My husband and I really like salmon and normally eat it at least once a week and the boys love it too . They also love mac & cheese and pasta with chicken . So far , I have really not found anything that they just really would not eat . These are some of their favorites . I am always looking for other ideas to introduce so , if you have any great recipes , please send them to me . Something that is sometimes amusing ( and sometimes annoying ) is that our boys call most women in pictures " momma " . They will point to a picture of my mom or my sister and say " momma " ( annoying ) . When I touch myself and say " momma " , they will touch themselves the same way and say " momma " ( amusing ) . This is actually very cute . They are not yet at a point where they will call me " momma " , expecting me to come to them and help them with something or pick them up or something . Sometimes they will get into " momma mode " , where they are walking around saying " momma " a lot . I will always say " yes Nick / Ben " or " Yes sweetie " or Yes honey " or something like that , to acknowledge they have spoken to me . At first , they looked surprised that I responded to their " momma " . Now they usually look at me and smile when I respond . They have so many words now that I have lost track of them . They do a ton of repeating , all day long , but are less likely to actually use a word to get what they want . One day , when we were having our morning snack , I was asking if they wanted anything else . Nick said " nana " , which I took to mean he wanted a banana . I asked if he wanted a banana and they both started repeating " nana " a couple of times and reaching towards the bananas . So I got a banana and we all ate it together . I thought that might be an eye opening moment for them , that they can ask for something and get it , but so far they have not quite comprehended this yet . They do ask for what they want by pointing and / or grunting or reaching towards what they want and Nick will sign for " more " also . Ben was " pointing " to certain foods in his dish , with his nose of all things , when he wanted to eat that particular food . He would , over and over again , almost put his nose into his food , blocking his entire plate with his head to point to the food he wanted to eat next . Very funny little boy . They both know the majority of the parts of their body now . It is really amazing how quickly they learn things . A couple of days ago , I showed Nick how to pull the ball - shaped shape sorter apart and shake it to make the shapes fall out . This morning I saw him doing it by himself and I was really surprised that he remembered how and that he was strong enough and coordinated enough to do it . My brother - in - law was here visiting last week . It was the first time he had met the boys . He was amazed at how well they are doing and commented that , if he had not known their history , he would never have suspected that they had not been with us since birth . They just act like totally normal , American toddlers . It is a beautiful and amazing thing . We went to my sister 's house yesterday and spent the day visiting with her , my mom and my niece and nephew . The boys had a great time and they really loved rolling around on the floor with my nephew . He is just finishing seventh grade and he is really good with them and they both just love him to death . It is really cute to watch . The neat thing was what my nephew told my sister after the last time we visited . When he was little , like our little guys , he always loved playing with his older , male cousin . He couldn 't wait for his cousin to arrive at our family events and would hang on him and rough - house with him the whole time . My nephew told my sister that he now gets to be to our boys what his cousin was to him when he was little . It was really sweet . Nick with his " buddy " . We bought this little giraffe at a grocery store in Volgograd . He sleeps with it every night and at nap time . It is the perfect size for him . Sometimes Ben will walk around with his thumb in his mouth while holding Nick 's little buddy . It is funny because Ben is not a thumb sucker at all and does not really care about a buddy or lovey or anything else . I bought him a little buddy , a small stuffed kitty that looks a lot like this giraffe actually ( same color and just a little smaller ) . We hand it to him every night when he goes " night night " and he promptly smiles and throws it out of his crib , no matter how many times we pick it up and give it back to him . I taught Nick how to climb onto the rocking horse by himself . He loves to rock it as high as he can , surprise surprise . Ben is a bit more cautious on it . Nick has also learned how to climb up on the couch by himself now . Fun times have begun ! Preparing for the window replacement . The two windows on the right were rotted on the bottom . The guy had already removed the one on the right and put in the new one temporarily , which is why it is a natural wood color . When he did this , he did a lot of sawing through the old window to get it out . When he was finished , there was a huge layer of dust in our whole house and in my sinuses . My allergies were out of control . We had to sweep and mop the entire floor downstairs , vacuum the furniture , dust all surfaces , etc . It was terrible . So , this time , I covered the furniture and moved the toys to another room so we would not be quite as close to the dust . Turns out that he didn 't have to cut out the second window so , this time , there was very little dust . All that preparation work for nothing . It was a tiring day but the guy did a great job and the windows look really good . We still have to caulk and paint them though . After wearing my ball cap at the zoo the other day , Nick now has this thing for caps . Upcoming events for us include a dr . appt . on Friday to check out the mole on Ben 's cheek again and a trip to Kansas City to visit with our friend who adopted two little girls from Volgograd . She was there to bring home her second daughter when we were there on our first trip , meeting our sons . I am so excited to see them again . The boys got into a cat fight with Zoe , our unfriendly - to - children cat . I have warned them so many times to leave her alone and have punished them for tormenting her so many times but it just does not seem to stop them . Every chance they get , if she is around , they will run towards her yelling and waving a toy or trying to hit her with their toy or their hands . So yesterday evening , we were looking out of the living room window at a baby rabbit that was sitting on the patio in the side yard . The cats had seen it first so they were sitting nearby also . Zoe got scared when the boys approached so she jumped in a box that was sitting nearby . . . a box that we had left out because the boys had been playing with it . They were not paying any attention to her at first because they were looking at the baby rabbit . But then , they shifted attention and noticed her in the box and Nick started trying to hit her . I can 't remember if he had his lovey or was just trying to hit her with his hands but he was yelling and trying to hit her . And before I could stop it , she was fighting back and scratched him on the face . And then , just as Nick started crying , Ben started trying to hit her too and she scratched him on the arm . I couldn 't believe it . I was sitting right nearby but it just happened so fast . The cat was meowing / crying too , very upset . I 'm sure she felt trapped and scared . And both boys were now crying and I was not sure where they had been scratched or how bad it was . Thankfully my husband was home so he picked up Ben and I had picked up Nick and we checked them out . Nick has a scratch from the side / tip of his nose down across the area above his upper lip , across his lip and onto his cheek . He also has a second scratch a little higher on the same cheek . We are so fortunate that she did not get his eye . The cat is fine : ) . She defended herself quite nicely . The boys quit crying pretty quickly and acted as if nothing had happened . . . . even going so far as to try going after her again a little later . Their scratches actually look not - so - bad today . You can barely see the ones on N 's face now , which is good . They were pretty light , although his lip did bleed a little . One scratch on B 's arm is a bit more noticeable but the rest are very light . So , any tips on teaching the boys they are not allowed to torment this cat ? I am just amazed that they didn 't learn from getting scratched . Ben has been scratched once before by this cat , as she was laying on the back of a chair and he was behind the chair , trying to hit her with a toy . They just don 't seem to learn . When I was a kid , we always had a cat , from the time I was just a little bitty thing . I have a ton of pictures of me , as a child , holding a kitten or a cat . Anyway , I can remember getting scratched by the cats at my grandmother 's house because they were wild and I couldn 't resist catching them and trying to tame them , especially the kittens . But I was obviously older than our little guys . I know not everyone will agree with this but I don 't blame the cat . I think it is natural for her to defend herself if she is being attacked . To me , this is much like learning not to touch a hot stove . You don 't blame the stove . If you get burnt , you learn some respect for the hot stove and you are much more careful the next time . But the problem , of course , is that they are not learning any respect for the scratching cat . Maybe part of the issue is that I am not being consistent enough with disciplining for this . I may just have to really crack down on it . In other news , Nick has now learned how to climb up on the large leather ottoman that is our " coffee table " of sorts . He was so pleased with himself and Ben immediately started trying to get up there , when he saw that his brother could get up there . I knew he would learn this soon because I had seen him almost make it and he was pretty determined . I know that he will very soon be able to get on the couch too and they can now reach pretty much everything on the end tables , although they do know what is off limits . They still test on this at times so I have to keep an eye on them . Yesterday I had to have two moles removed ; one from my shoulder and one from my leg . What a pain , literally . The boys went with me and they really did pretty well . Nick got a little upset when I laid down on the table and they made the table go up high . He started crying and they tried handing him a book and his snack cup but he just handed it back and kept crying . He stopped pretty soon though and both boys were quite interested in watching what was going on . I have a few stitches where the one on my leg was but they cauterized the other one . I 'm glad it is over . I have lost count of how many moles I have had removed over the years . Stay out of the sun when you can and use your sunscreen when you can 't ! Well , yesterday afternoon I took the boys to the zoo and we had a ball . What a fun afternoon . Since they slept so long for their first nap , they didn 't need a second nap . So I slapped some sun screen on them and put one of my baseball caps on each of them and on me and off we went . I really need to get a picture of them in their ball caps . Ben was sporting a Boston Red Sox cap and Nick was sporting " The Cuse - SU " cap , very old caps I have from living in Boston and going to school at Syracuse University . They looked so cute and received lots of smiles from people walking by . As one little girl , probably around four years old , walked by us with her mom , she said " momma , look at the caps those babies are wearing " . First stop was the elephant exhibit and I was at first disappointed because I didn 't see any at all . Then a lady told me you had to go inside the " elephant museum " building to see them . I had not realized this so we went inside and , WOW , they were right there in front of us , nose to nose , on the other side of a huge plate glass window . The boys loved it . Two huge elephants were eating hay right in front of us . The next really neat thing was the lion exhibit . When we first walked up , the female lion was standing just inside of the door to their cave . You can 't see them when they are in their cave but she was in the doorway and looking very regal . She stood there looking out for a couple of seconds and we waited ( I was meowing like a cat to try to get her to come out . I 'm pretty good at imitating our cats . I think it worked : ) . She came out and sauntered over to the watering hole to get a drink and then she came straight towards us , to the edge of their area next to where the pit starts , and laid down . At some point the large , male lion came to the cave door and stood there for a couple of minutes . I meowed again but he didn 't come out . He went back inside the cave but then , a few seconds later , we heard him roar really loudly . I roared back at him pretty loudly and he roared again . We did this quite a few times and N joined in with roaring with me a few times too . Finally I stopped and the lion kept going a few more times and then stopped . His roars echoed within the cave so we could hear it really well . It was great ! I think this is the first time I had actually heard a lion roar in real life . It was magnificent . And it 's really neat because I had been pointing out a lion to the boys in one of their books and asking them what a lion says and then I would roar . Now they really get it . Then , we went to see the bears . There was this huge grizzly bear and he was playing with this large red ball . He put it above his head and let it roll down his back . Then he swatted it into his big pool of water and jumped in after it . It was so cute and funny . Eventually he swatted it out of the water and tried to get it but it went over the edge , into the pit and he lost it . He took off running towards his cave and went inside . He came back out and walked around a little , looking for something else to play with . Watching him play and run was really quite something . He was so huge . Both boys were entranced . The petting zoo was closed for some reason but we still saw the sheep and goats and one of the sheep came over to the fence to visit us . We saw a beautiful peacock , which was making these wonderful calls that we mimicked and we saw kangaroos and many other interesting animals , including an amazing , up close view of the rhinos that was pretty awesome . The sea lions were sleeping , basking in the sun on a rock . N kept waving at them and saying " night night " . Adorable . Our last stop was to see the chimps , which was really neat too . There were three of them sitting together and one mama had a three month old baby that she was holding . It was really cute . At one point , these three came right up to the glass . There was a lot of paper and stuff in the exhibit because they had celebrated a birthday and left the stuff in there for them to play with . One of them had picked up a streamer and carried it with him to the window . He rolled up a piece of it and was chewing on it . He rolled up another piece and stuffed it in his nose and then he blew it out . It was quite funny . They had these fake rocks on our side of the glass , allowing the kids to climb higher and closer to the glass and all three of these chimps and the baby were right on the other side , within a few inches of the glass . It was really great . I have been to a lot of nice zoos but this had to be the most up close and personal zoo visit I have ever had . We really had a lot of fun and I was like a little kid , running while pushing the stroller from exhibit to exhibit and holding the kids up so they could see really well . I 'm not sure who enjoyed it more , me or them ! Seeing the pretend play is great though . This is one of those milestones that we were looking for . They like to push their trucks around , making truck noises too . Pitching a fit . He has this down to a science and I am learning that ignoring him can end them very quickly , sometimes . Yesterday he was throwing a fit about something in the kitchen . I was doing something and happened to move where I could not see him . Then I noticed that he got up and moved over to where I could see him again , sat down and started throwing his fit again . Then I moved into the living room and , again , could not see him . He moved into the living room where I could see him again and kept going . It was really funny . But then I asked him if he wanted to sit in the " chair " . He shook his head no and stopped the fit . This seems to be pretty effective , unless he is just too tired . The funny thing is when he starts to throw a fit and he sits down on the hardwood floor and then lays down very carefully before really starting to throw his fit . He learned very quickly that it hurts to hit your head on the floor . Thankfully , his fits normally don 't last long and he is usually more like this . He is a funny kid with a great sense of humor . He cracks both me and Ben up at times . I have a hard time getting really good pictures of Ben , which is frustrating because he has such a beautiful , contagious smile . This one is pretty good but I am still hoping to catch the really good one at some point . He is such a sweet boy and usually pretty laid back but , man , he does have a temper at times . He loves loves loves to read and will get upset if he brings a book to you and you don 't pick him up and read it to him immediately . There are times when I am working in the kitchen and I see him sitting and looking at the books , turning pages and talking to himself . He will do this for quite a while and it is really cute . It is so interesting to see their little personalities develop and emerge . I love it . You just never know what surprise you are in for each day . Life is definitely an adventure with these two little guys . So , I have been thinking that I really need to find some things for us to do , to get out of the house and see some sites . Today I was looking up fun things to do in our city and found that kids under 2 get into the zoo for free and kids under 3 get into the aquarium for free . There were also a couple of other interesting places , such as the aeronautical museum , where I would like to take the boys and that 's free too . I really want to take them to see the planes taking off and landing at the airport but I 'm not sure where to go to see this , since you can 't see it from inside of the airport unless you have a ticket now days . I will have to check into this further . I also need to check into the Parents as Teachers program that our school district offers . I have heard it is excellent . They do home visits , which we really don 't need , but they also have the kids come to one of the classrooms and play , with parents present also . It sounds like it would be really fun for the boys , from what I have heard . I am guessing they don 't do it in the summer months but hopefully we can sign up for the next school year . With the really hot summer months coming , it will be more of a challenge . Ben is very hot natured and it does not take much to get him sweating so much that his entire head of hair is wet . I feel so badly for him when this happens . So I have to keep this in mind when planning outdoor activities this summer . We will probably need to spend a lot of time having fun in water . Our little pool had a leak so we just bought a new little pool and I plan to set it up under the patio , in the shade . I think we will all enjoy that more than directly in the sun , especially when it gets really hot this summer . I may have figured out a solution to our sleeping dilemma . Our issue is that Ben requires less sleep than Nick and is probably ready to do one nap a day . Nick still very much needs more sleep and two naps a day . I tried to move them to one nap and Nick would just be in melt down mode by nap time . I tried moving their morning nap out a little , which is fine for Nick , but Ben would still be lying awake for the longest time . Also , he would keep Nick awake too long so he would also end up not getting enough sleep . So , today I decided to try something new . I put Nick down for his first nap at 10 : 30 and let Ben stay awake a little longer . Nick was not especially happy about this , as he has never gone to sleep in their room by himself . His brother has always been in the bed nearby so I was not sure if he would be too upset or not . He cried a little for a few minutes but it was more of a cry of protest than being upset and he was asleep within 10 minutes . Not bad . Ben stayed up an extra 30 minutes and hung out with me . This was actually a really good thing . We had some one - on - one time together and I was also able to do a few things that I normally would have done when they were both in bed anyway . I could not get over how much quieter it was with just Ben awake and also how much slower things seemed to go . When the two of them are awake together , things are really busy around here . Just before 11 : 00 , I could that Ben was started to get sleepy so I changed his diaper and took him upstairs . This was another moment I was not sure of , whether or not he would wake up Nick . I suspected he would not , as Nick is used to going to sleep with Ben still awake and making noises . Sure enough , Ben cried / whined for just a couple of minutes and was asleep within 10 or so minutes . Wow ! What a change ! When I put both of them down at the same time , they sometimes become real noisy , running around their crib and making funny noises towards each other and hitting their hands on the sides of their cribs . They really get each other going and the noise and activity level sometimes really ramps up . I had tried several things to deal with this and finally decided that was just something they were going to do , unless I separated them . It normally did not last for too long , as Nick especially would get tired and go to sleep so Ben would lay down and start chatting to himself for a while until he would eventually fall asleep . This new solution may be just what we needed for now , until they are both ready to go to one nap a day . I may just put Nick down for the second nap and let Ben stay up . Having just Ben up is easier than I thought it would be . He is the lower energy level child , of the two of them , and does not require quite as much attention as Nick , which is another reason why it is nice to have him up alone so he can have a bit of one - on - one attention to himself . He is less likely to seek it out or compete for the attention than Nick is so he probably tends to not get quite as much of it as Nick does normally . I try to watch for that but it is hard to do all of the time . I am relieved that this seems to be a good solution . I felt bad leaving Ben to lay awake so long in his crib , but Nick could not handle the same hours and I knew I needed some sort of break during the day . I wish I had thought of this sooner but I 'm glad I finally figured it out . I have wanted to be a mom for a long time , although I had also suspected that it would come through adoption . My husband and I married a bit later in life . We both waited a long time to meet the right person and are happy we did . When we were married , I suddenly felt that I had joined a club for which I had coveted membership for a long time . It felt so good to finally be married and to have married the right man for me . This is only thanks to God because , if it had been left up to me , I would have married the wrong man for me for sure . But God saved me from myself , thankfully . Becoming a mom has reminded me of how it felt to finally get married . Once again I feel that I just joined a " club " that I longed to be part of for years . Mother 's day was a very special day this year , since it was my first as a mom . It felt really good : ) . My husband got me two very special , sweet cards ; one from him and one from the boys . He also bought me a sweet gift and I bought myself two books also : ) . For me , becoming a mom has been somewhat of a process . This may sound funny but it is growing on me . Sometimes I feel more like a mom than others . Some days I am a better mom than others . Some days I revert back to the more selfish me and want more time for doing something that I want to do ( like read a novel ) . Those days are becoming fewer and fewer though . More and more I am thinking and acting more like a mom . . . . I think . In the beginning it was harder . I am an introvert at heart , although many have mistaken me for an extrovert over the years . I need down time to re - energize . So it was harder in the beginning because I was not used to having so little down time . I experienced a period of about two or three weeks when I felt a bit depressed . I had read that this happens a lot to people after adopting and , when I experienced it , I was not too concerned about it but was happy when it did not last very long . In many ways , I felt that our transition as a family was harder for me than for anyone else . But I got through that tough time and things settled down nicely after that . Over time , I am adjusting to needing less and less down time . Sometimes I will have a little " quiet " time while the boys are playing too . I try hard not to do this too much but there are times when I will read for a little while , while they play . I am finding that , if I do decide to read a novel , I really need to pick short ones . I tend to get wrapped up in them and I don 't want to put them down , which is not a good thing when you have two children who require your attention . I may need to stick to the Reader 's Digest : ) . I think it is good for them to see that mom has needs too and she does things to meet her needs . I also think it is good for them to know that they are not always the center of the universe . At the same time , I know they need a lot of love and attention and I do try to engage with them a lot each day and make sure I am meeting their needs . My husband is great about spending time with them and helping me to meet my needs too . Our normal evening finds us eating dinner together as a family , my husband helps me clean up a little and then I finish up the details while he plays with the boys . After I finish cleaning up the kitchen , I normally go into another room and watch a little news or read a book for 30 minutes to an hour . It is a wonderful break for me and it gives him one - on - one time with the boys . They are still going to bed around 8 : 30 these days , which still gives us a little time to unwind before our bedtime . In some ways I feel like I am still trying to figure out what kind of mom I am going to be . I have these ideas in my head of what being a mom is all about and there are many days that I feel that I don 't measure up . I started out very concerned about balancing discipline and love and worrying that I was disciplining too much and not loving enough . I quit reading some of the things I was reading and stopped worrying about it so much and it feels better now . I worry about these things less and I think it seems a little more natural and little more " me " now , if that makes sense . They really are such a blessing to us and I love being their mom and I love being a stay at home mom . Several people told us that there would come a time when we would forget what it was like before we had kids . I think I am getting close to being there . . . . but not quite yet . We were running errands yesterday and happened to drive near the movie theater we used to go to pretty much every weekend before we had kids . I felt a longing to go see a movie and was wishing we could go again . But the funny thing is that I am not ready to leave our boys with anyone yet . We have left them with my sister for one evening out and we leave them in the church nursery but that 's about all I am comfortable with for now . The boys love my sister and she is so wonderful with kids that I would not hesitate to leave them with her . But I am just not ready to leave them with anyone else yet . I think it is just too soon , definitely for me and probably for them too . As I have read so many times on other blogs before we had our kids , becoming a mom is much more challenging but also much more rewarding than I ever imagined it would be . As for me , I am still " becoming " . Maybe becoming a mom is much like becoming a Christian , where we are always in the process of becoming more Christ - like . Maybe I will always be in the process of becoming more mom - like . I do wonder if I will ever measure up to the image I have of what a mom should be . . . . probably not unless I learn to enjoy cooking more : ) . As I told a good friend the other day , I would pretty much rather change a diaper than cook a meal : ) . I need to pray more about this because I really wish that I would enjoy cooking . One last thing about being a mom . As I go about my days , changing diapers , fixing meals and snacks , doing laundry , etc . , I often think of my mom doing the same for me and my four siblings when we were little . It really has given me such an appreciation for her and for all moms . I love this new understanding I have , of finally being able to really understand and appreciate all that a mom does for and means to her family . It really is a very special thing and it was not something I really thought about much before becoming a mom . In other news , today I finished replanting all of the beds in the front yard . This was a huge accomplishment and I am so relieved to be finished . There are two large beds right in front of the house , two medium sized beds running along the small circle drive in front of the house and then one medium sized bed around the mailbox . In all I planted 14 boxwoods , 17 azaleas , approximately 20 or so day lilies , approximately 9 or 10 blushing butterflies , 4 meadow sage plants , 6 Firewitches , 4 other low - flowering plants that I can 't remember the name of now , 40 blue lily turf plants , 2 muley grass plants , approximately 20 mondo grass plants , 2 lily of the nile plants , 2 vinca minor vines , 16 petunias , 12 impatiens , 1 red bud tree and 1 Japanese maple tree ( My husband planted the trees and I helped : ) , and a partridge in a pear tree . Whew ! ! AND , first we had to remove all of the overgrown shrubs that were there to begin with . I did some of that on my own and then my husband helped me the rest of it ( he did the majority of it ) . I had to use a pick to dig up the large roots and rocks and turn over the soil to prepare it for planting . The azaleas had to be planted with some special dirt stuff that was like a powder until it was watered down ( so I had it all over me from head to toe for 4 days ! . . . well , I did take showers after finishing each day ) . I also put down some weed cloth around the boxwoods and azaleas and then I mulched all of the beds . I have been to three different nurserys and have been a regular at one of them , to the point that they know me , know my project and have given me lots of advice on my many different visits . Getting closer to the azaleas . We had a pretty bad winter here , with some deep snow and bad ice . Unfortunately , it was bad enough to keep the azaleas from blooming on the tops and it also almost killed many of the boxwood bushes along the house . I have taken a wait - and - see approach with the dead - looking boxwood though and it is paying off . They have surprised me at how they are coming back in . Here are many of the day lilies and blushing butterflies in bloom in the beds along the circle drive . Actually , I should have taken a couple more pictures today because they are blooming even more now . Every day I am amazed at how many blooms there are . It is really incredible and very rewarding , after all of the hard work I put in . Here are the pretty flowers around the mailbox . There are also three miniature crepe myrtle bushes behind the mailbox that are so small they are hard to see in this picture . I just planted them this year so hopefully they will be blooming later this summer . This area tends to get very very wet at this time of year and it killed some of the things I had just planted last year but , so far , it seems everything here is thriving this year . And , this is my window view from inside of the house . It is hard to tell from this small picture how many of the flowers I can see but it really is a beautiful view and I find myself going in there frequently during the day to look at the flowers outside . If you click on the picture , you might be able to see them better . Here is a close up of the bed . I replanted this one too but I did it last fall . We had to lower it because the prior owners had made the beds cover the lower part of the house , which is a big no no . This is an older picture and these little plants have really grown a lot this spring . The only issue is the location . It is smack dab in the middle of the new flower bed I had started creating last year but had not started planting yet . I moved the large rocks there last year to outline the area and I moved in a lot of the dirt and transplanted a couple of shrubs and flowers but still have a lot to plant . This is the flattest area in our side yard and we also did not have to destroy a large section of our grass . Of course , we have the risk of the large , hard rocks right next to the sandbox but mom will be there to help and protect and , as they get older , the boys will enjoy climbing on the rocks . I still plan to plant more flowers and shrubs in the rest of this bed but it is slow going so far ( I 've been a little busy lately ) . I will be posting some pictures soon of the gardens in the front of our house , that I spent oodles of hours ripping out and replanting last spring . Here is daddy playing with play dough with the boys . It was really cute . It didn 't last long . . . they are not quite into the play dough thing yet . Here are some toys I bought at Tuesday Morning recently . That is definitely one of my very favorite stores . The boys really love the little dog and are pretty good at threading the pieces together , although it is a challenge for mom to keep track of all of the pieces . I probably put it back together and count the pieces ( and search for missing ones ) at least twice a day . We have had a lot of rain lately and have been house - bound quite a bit . After reading the book " What 's going on in there ? " ( discussed in the last post ) , I have been especially occupied with ensuring the boys are engaged and challenged . So one day they seemed a little bored with their toys ( or maybe that was me : ) and I had read that all kids love tents so I created a " tent " for them to play in . They loved it . They pushed and pulled toys through the tent / tunnel and went around and around . It was high enough that they could walk through it . I crawled through it a few times too and they thought that was fun . We had a fun time and a nice thing for me was that I was able to put it away when they were napping and they didn 't think twice about when they woke up . They never missed it but they sure enjoyed it while it was up . We 'll do it again on another rainy day . We have had a busy month and the boys continue to change soooo much . We are continually amazed . They both continue to do very well with their sleeping , eating and attaching . So far , we have no issues at all . We took them for their 18 month check up this week , although Nick is closer to 17 months old and Ben recently turned 19 months old . They have grown so much that they are barely fitting into their 18 month sized one - piece outfits now . The funny thing is they are still wearing a couple of pairs of shorts that are 9 month size , although not for much longer . They are wearing shirts that are 18 months and some of those are getting to be a bit small also . They are still in size 3 diapers but I think they will outgrow those soon . They are very into giving kisses lately . It 's very cute and sweet and it warms our hearts . When we put them to bed the other night , we were saying " night night " to them and Nick said " nii nii " back to us several times . It was so sweet . One afternoon , Ben wanted me to pick him up . I was doing something in the kitchen and could not pick him up right away so he sat down and started crying . Nick came in , looked at me , then at Ben , wondering why Ben was crying . He walked over and sat down on the floor right next to Ben . He had brought a toy pig and a toy sheep with him and he started bouncing the toy pig across the floor in front of Ben . Then he sat it down in front of Ben . By this time , Ben had stopped crying and he picked up the toy pig and started bouncing it around like Nick had done . Then , Nick leaned over and gave Ben a kiss . It was just so cute . I really wish we had been able to record that . They really are close now and it is obvious they care about each other so much . They have each grown over 2 inches in 3 months , although I think Nick has grown a little more than Ben . Ben has put on more weight than Nick but they are both now weighing around 25 pounds , Ben a little more than 25 and Nick a little less . Ben is really right on track and looking really good for his height , weight and head on the growth charts . Nick was the smaller of the two , when we adopted them , and is now in the 25th percentile for weight and 50th for height , which is incredible , since he was around the 3rd or 5th percentile for both when we adopted him . The other thing we have had checked is the mole on B 's right cheek , which has been growing quite a bit since he has been home . We noticed it when we first met him but , it was so small and the coloring was such that it really looked like a little bruise at that time ; that 's what we thought it was originally . It is still growing so we took him to a dermatologist last week and they said it is just a normal congenital mole and they grow more rapidly in the early stages . So we will be taking him to a plastic surgeon to discuss options for having it removed , hopefully before it gets too much larger . The child development expert from Sooner Start has been coming out and we also had a speech therapist come out one week . The boys are catching up so quickly that I was questioning whether we really needed their services , since I don 't want to waste their time . We decided that they will keep coming out twice a month until after the boys have their hearing retested and I meet with the nutritionist . The child development expert comes out and visits with me , listens to any concerns I might have and provides information and suggestions for how to get the boys up to speed on speech or development challenges . I think they are pretty close to being on track now but I enjoy visiting with her and learn a lot . They understand most of what we say to them these days and they repeat so many words I have lost count of them all . One of yesterday 's new words was " brother " . Most of them are words that only a parent would understand right now though . I read a book recently that I highly recommend . It 's called " What 's going on in there ? " and is about how the brain and mind develop in the first five years of life . It was written by Lise Eliot and is really an interesting read . I also finished rereading Dr . James Dobson 's book " Bringing up boys " , which I really liked both times I read it and now I am rereading " Boundaries with kids " by Dr . Henry Cloud and Dr . John Townsend . It is an excellent book also ; a very good book about setting age appropriate boundaries and allowing children to face consequences . That 's enough for today . My mom and sister are coming for a visit tomorrow so not sure if I will have time to post , although I have some additional pictures I want to share soon . I was raised in Oklahoma and , although I have lived in many cities in the U . S . , I consider OK home . My husband ( aka ' the dad ' or ' the husband ' , since he doesn 't want me to use his name ) was raised in the Chicago area but Tucson , AZ is home for him . We were married a little later in life but we know that God brought us together and we are very thankful for that . I am now a stay at home wife of my dear husband , mom of our two sweet little boys and soon to be homeschool teacher of my two sons . . . and I love it ! The adoption of our beautiful sons from Volgograd Russia was finalized on January 17 , 2007 . It took around a year from the very beginning of our process to the end . I have tried to include lots of information about our adoption process on this blog , all of the ups and downs we experienced , what to bring and what not to bring , what our trips to Russia were like , etc . If you have any questions for us , please feel free to email me at lea @ pisarik . com . Various Blogs I Read |
all american bulldog Another Amazing Tripawds Three Legged Dog Blog Always on my mind …… Post on March 19th , 2013 by michele Tripawds is a user - supported community . Thank you for your support ! Tomorrow will be one month since we said goodbye to Cadence . Its been such a painful time in our lives . Letting Cadence go was one of the most difficult things we have ever done . In our hearts we know we did the right thing , but that doesn 't make the loss any easier for us . There is not a day that goes by that I don 't have tears in my eyes . The pain is still so very raw for me . I try to keep busy but it is only a temporary distraction . At the end of the day , Cadence is still not here with us and there is nothing I can do to bring her back . When I was having a bad day , Cadence would make it better . When I was having a good day , it was made even better because Cadence was around . Its so hard for me to put into words how much it hurts and how angry I am sometimes . I know that everyone that reads this knows the same pain . I feel pain because she is not here with us anymore , that she had to endure the bouts with cancer and she was cheated out of growing old gracefully . I 'm angry because I don 't get to hold her , get to cuddle with her in bed and how little time we got with her after the amputation . I know that these are all part of the grieving process , so I 'm trying to take it all in stride . I in no way regret the amputation or the chemo . If I had to do it all again , I would not even hesitate to do so . I just wish we were given more time with her . I am blessed that we did have almost 4 months . For that , I will always be thankful . A lot of great memories were made in those 4 months . Those are the memories that I reach for when I start to feel the overwhelming sense of loss come over me . Cadence … I miss you so much . The other night Mommy came home late from work . I expected to hear you barking at the door when I tried sneaking in as to not wake you and Daddy when I came home late . You were not there . I miss having your hair all over the floor , you dribbling water all over the place when you drank and the way you would tilt your head when I would talk to you . I swear you always could understand what I was saying . I miss the way you would give me kisses on my lips and then nibble oh so gently on my bottom lip . I miss watching you with Daddy . I miss coming into the room and seeing you sitting by Daddy 's feet as he listened to music and sang . I miss sitting in the back yard as we soaked in the sun just being lazy and two girls hanging out . I could go on and on about what I miss . Mostly , I just miss you being here . The sense of comfort and love you brought into my life . Cadence 's ashes came home to us a few weeks ago . Steve wanted to be the one to pick her up . It was very emotional for him . He misses her so much . Cadence is in our bedroom now , on the dresser drawer . We put her collar around it and placed her favorite puppy toy on it . Its hard for me to comprehend that she is in that box . We are going to spread some of her ashes around the places that she loved and we loved . That way , every time we go to those places she will be there still . I will never forget Cadence . Cadence will always be a part of our lives . The imprint she made on my heart will be there until my heart stops beating . When it comes time for mine and Steve 's journey on this earth to end , Cadence will be there to greet us and show us the way . Until that day comes baby girl , we love you and we miss you . Love you forever ………… . Steve and I have decided that we are not going to wait to get a puppy . We have so much love to give and miss having a dog in the house . We are getting another American Bulldog and she will be coming from a breeder in Oklahoma . We should be getting her at the beginning of April . It will be good to have some joy come in to this house again . When looked at many dogs but still kept on coming back to the same one . I think Cadence was guiding us straight to her . Her name is Elsa ( we are picking our own name when we finally get to see her ) and she was born on January 28th . Elsa was born one day after us discovering mets in Cadence 's lungs . In my heart I think she was born just for us , when Cadence was embarking on her final journey . That is just like Cadence … still taking care of us from over the Bridge . 9 Comments → My Dearest Cadence …… Post on March 2nd , 2013 by michele Tripawds is a user - supported community . Thank you for your support ! Sweet baby girl … . Mommy and Daddy miss you so very much . The house is not the same without you following us around . The house is so quiet and lonely . Daddy went to drills this weekend and I 'm here all by myself . I miss our time together when Daddy is away . We kept each other company and you made me feel so safe . Its been 10 days since you left our life . It sure feels like a lifetime to me . My heart still aches and the tears still come . I really do try to be strong , just like you were during your journey , but sometimes I am weak . You were the best dog that anyone could have ever asked for . You were fun loving , a great guard dog and you had a heart of gold . You made us feel so loved each and everyday . You brought sunshine into the house even when it was cold and grey outside . You will forever be in our hearts . Last night I finally got around to cleaning the house . I haven 't cleaned since you went away . Yes I know , that is so unlike Mommy . I just couldn 't bear the thought of vacuuming . Your hair was still all over the floor and in my mind I thought , if your hair is still on the floor , you are still in the house . But last night , my neat freak side took over and I cleaned . I took out the vacuum cleaner , and waited for you to run from the room ( cadence hated that darn thing ) , and away I went . I cried the whole time . After I finished , I looked around , and I could still see some of your hair . You shed so much all the time , I think I will be finding your hair in the house until the day I die . I wouldn 't have it any other way . Daddy has been having dreams about you at night . This makes him so very happy . I go to bed thinking about you , but so far no dreams . If you get a chance , and can pull yourself away from all the fun you are having , please come visit Mommy when she is sleeping . I miss seeing your sweet face . I hope that life is treating you well . I hope you know that Mommy and Daddy will never forget you and you will always be in our life . You will always be our one and only baby girl , love bug , c - dawg and cadence . 6 Comments → Daddy welcomed Cadence home ……… Post on February 28th , 2013 by michele The other night , Steve called the breeder that he got Cadence from . He wanted to see if she was still breeding American Bulldogs . The breeder remembered him and Steve told her all about Cadence and her cancer journey . We found out the Cadence 's mom is still alive and is 10 years old now . This next part just blew me away . Steve asked about the father , I want to say his name was Gator . Gator was also 10 years old . The breeder told Steve that Gator had gotten stomach cancer and that last Wednesday ( 2 / 20 ) they had to say goodbye to him . Gator 's journey ended the same day that we said goodbye to Cadence . I found some comfort in knowing that her Daddy was there to greet her when she went home . I still miss Cadence everyday . I hate coming home from work now . There is no big goofy dog to greet me at the door when I get home . I stand at the door listening for the sound of her paw steps as she runs to the door when I open it . The house is very lonely without her here . I 'm off the next 4 days from work and I am sort of dreading it . Steve is away at military drills , so I will be all alone . I 'm not going to know what to do with myself . At least before , I had Cadence to keep me company . Cadence would take care of me when Steve was away . Cadence was a natural born guard dog . I knew there was no way anyone was going to come in the house when they heard her barking . Im going to miss that extra sense of security . I know she is still watching over me and from above she will be protecting me . I still feel pain over losing Cadence . Each day that passes is a bit easier because I remind myself that she is no longer in pain and she is breathing freely again . I look at pictures and videos everyday and they make me smile . We gave Cadence a good life and in return she gave us unconditional love and friendship . I know she is surrounded by a loving group of Tripawds who are showing her the way . I picture Cadence and Bruno together being the best of friends . 3 Comments → Signs from Cadence … . . Post on February 23rd , 2013 by michele Cadence gave Steve a Valentine 's day card this year . In the card Cadence thanked her Daddy for giving her such a good life . Cadence knew this would probably be her last Valentine 's day card to him , so she made sure it was very special . In the card she told Steve that she would always be with him and that she would give him signs that would let him know she was all right and that she was there with him . Cadence said that every time we see a squirrel in the back yard , a humming bird at the kitchen window feeder and turkeys , that would be her sending us love . The day after Cadence earned her wings , Steve and I were at the computer , when we looked out the window and into our backyard . There on the fence were two squirrels looking into our window . One of the squirrels was acting a little crazy running up and down the post , so we figured that one was Cadence . It brought tears to our eyes but also a smile to our face . She had come back to let us know she was all right . We decided to celebrate Cadence 's memory by taking a walk along the same trail we always went with her . She loved that walk and so did we . We walked along the trail and talked about Cadence and all the great times we had with her . It was hard to take that walk without her , but also very comforting sharing our memories of her . As we were walking back to the house , on city streets , out of no where , 15 turkeys flew over a fence , and into the street . They were crossing the street in one big line . Cars were having to stop , to let the turkeys cross . At first we couldn 't believe it . We haven 't seen the turkeys in the neighborhood since November . I looked at Steve and said , " That 's our baby girl telling us she is still with us . " The rest of the day we actually felt good . The pain was still there but Cadence came back to us 2 times that day . She was telling us we made the right decision and she just wanted us to know that . Even though she is no longer here with us , her spirit is still making sure that we are taken care of . Sweet baby girl , your Daddy and I miss you so much . Thanks for sending us the signs . I hope you are in a grassy field with the sun shining down on you . The house is so empty and lonely without you here . You will forever be in our hearts . Sweet dreams … . . 9 Comments → A fighter until the end … . . Post on February 22nd , 2013 by michele On February 20th , at 7 : 04 pm , we said goodbye to our sweet baby girl . The decision was gut wrenching but we had to do what was right for Cadence and not for us . In one days time , she started gasping for air , even while laying in bed . The coughing stopped due to the Tussigon , so we thought we were in the clear for a while . But the Tussigon does not help with breathing . Looking at Cadence made me think of that asthma commercial when they have a goldfish , out of its bowl , flopping around gasping for air . Not that it was that dramatic , but I felt that was how Cadence was probably feeling . We could not put her through that . We love her to much to watch as she struggled to breathe . I was with Cadence all day and watched as it got worse and worse . She would not go to her bowl to eat breakfast so I brought it in the room and hand fed her . She still ate all her food but it was somewhat of a struggle between gasps . At one point she did get up to come outside with me and she used the bathroom . When she urinated I could tell she was dehydrated because her urine was bright yellow . I knew she was not getting enough water in her . Cadence loved drinking water all the time . Cadence just didn 't have the energy to get up and go to her water bowl to drink . It was to much for her to get up and move . When she did , she would be gasping for air . We knew we had to make the call . I called the vet and made the appointment for Thursday , but as time went by that day , we changed it to that night . We wanted to have the night with her , but once again , it would have been for us and not her . Now I watched the clock dreading every time a minute went by . It was one more minute closer to the end . I even prayed for a power outage so the clocks would stop working . I sat with Cadence most of the day telling her how much I loved her . We listed to some music and I played my song for her and sang it to her . It was Ronnie Milsap 's " I wouldn 't have missed it for the world " . We met Daddy at the door when he came home and that made him happy . We knew this would be the last time she would be at the door to greet him . Our neighbor Rose came over to say goodbye . Cadence loved Grandma Rose . Every Time we went on a walk , Cadence would stop at her garage to see if she would come out . Rose always had a smile and a treat for Cadence . Cadence gave Rose a big kiss goodbye . We got the dreaded call from the vet saying he was on his way over . Twenty five minutes later , he was at the door with his assistant . Cadence jumped up when she heard his voice and went running over to him . We could tell by the look on his face that he was wondering why he was there . Cadence was running up to him and wagging her tail . For a second she did not look like she was dying . Then the gasping started . He listened to her and told us we were doing the right thing . We got to choose where we wanted to do it . We chose the living room area . I pulled over one of her beds and told her to get into it . Cadence decided to choose her own bed and went into the other one with all her favorite blankets . She laid in the bed and they took her hind leg and shaved it . At this time I asked about a sedative for her , but he did not give her one . To be honest , I don 't even remember his reasoning behind it . The doctor then put the catheter in and I held her head in my hands and looked her in the eyes . Dr Atwater then administered the shot . We told her how much we loved her and how she was going to be free of pain . I kept on repeating to her how much we loved her and what a good girl she was . I felt like I was rambling . At one point she tried to get up during the injection . That bulldog was going to be stubborn even in death . Cadence has always been tenacious and that was not going to change now . I was watching her chest and I could tell her breathing was slowing down . I continued to look in her eyes so our faces would be the last thing she would see when she took her last breath . Then it was over . Then I cried . I fought back the tears during it , because I didn 't want her to be upset watching me cry . But there was no controlling the tears once it was all over . I was thankful her pain was gone . I was thankful that she would no longer be suffering . I was thankful that we got to say goodbye to her in our home where she was surrounded by us and the things that brought her comfort . I was thankful that Steve and I got to say goodbye to her together . That night we both cried ourselves to sleep . Our lives will never be the same without Cadence . Cadence blessed our lives in so many ways . We thank her for sharing her life with us and her loving us so unconditionally . I know Cadence is watching over us and will always be in our hearts . Our hearts are aching and empty without her . but with time the pain will ease , and the happy memories and moments will fill our hearts once again . Instead of tears of sadness there will be tears from laughing so hard when we think about the goofy girl she was . 5 Comments → The wonder drug … . Tussigon Post on February 14th , 2013 by michele When Steve came home Sunday , he looked at Cadence and he thought this was it . Cadence would not stop coughing . She would be lying still in bed and she coughed . She would get up to use the potty or drink water , and she coughed . So Steve made a phone call to the vets office on Monday to see if what we were thinking was really going to have to happen . We talked to the vets assistant who told us she did not think it was time yet . This is the natural progression of the disease . The cough is coming from the mets that are in her lungs . I knew that , but I really didn 't think there would be this much coughing . Since Cadence is still eating , ( like a horse ) , drinking and in general still has some energy , it was not time . I was so relieved , then I felt like an idiot for thinking she was on her death bed . The weekend was just a few bad days , that happen to roll together . There will be good days and bad days . I need to keep reminding myself of that . Its just that the bad days can be so overwhelming . Between all the worry and not sleeping , I am now sick . I sound as bad as Cadence . So yesterday we had a sick day and we both stayed in bed . She cuddled up to me and we napped throughout the day . ed The vet prescribed us Tussigon , 5 mg tablets . We are giving Cadence 2 pills every 12 hours . Let me tell you , this has helped out her coughing immensely . She still coughs when she walks around at times but once she settles down , the coughing stops . Its like a magic pill . Cadence can finally get a good nights sleep in and so can we . The drug is a bit pricey . It think we paid about 58 dollars for 1 week worth of pills . At this point , I don 't care . It relaxes her and my stress level has dropped . It worth every penny . It does make her a bit more sleepy but not to the point where she is sleeping all day . She is still alert and gets up to see what Im doing . For now the pills are working so we will keep on using them . 5 Comments → My heart hurts …… . Post on February 10th , 2013 by michele The last couple of days have been horrible . The coughing is getting worse and I can now hear a " crackling " sound as Cadence is breathing . She still breathes through her nose and there is no heavy panting , but I can see her breathing is becoming more labored . She also continues to cough up blood , not a lot , but I know this is not a good sign . To me , her eyes look sad . She tries to get up and walk around , but the coughing is worse when she does this . I called in sick , and did not go to work today . I couldn 't bring myself to leave her side . I know our days are limited and I don 't want to waste a moment of it . Thankfully , I have a job where they know how much Cadence means to me . We have no children , so she is like a child to me . I would never leave my child home alone being this sick , so why would I do that to my dog . Steve will be home tonight , thank God . It been so stressful dealing with this the last couple of days . He is going to take a look at her and see what he thinks . If he thinks it is time , we will call the vet and make arrangements to say goodbye on Tuesday . We are so afraid of saying goodbye to soon . Ive read a lot about signs to look for when its time to say goodbye . The thing that makes it hard is that she is still eating and drinking , and at times , had energy . Its just that damn cough . I started giving her Tramadol last night . I was going to wait until Monday to call the vet , but I said screw it . It knocked her out for most of the night , though there were a few bouts of coughs , not nearly as many as the night before . I just wanted her to get a good nights sleep . Me on the other hand , didn 't get much sleep at all . I would just stare at her , checking on her breathing . Tahoe is a no go tomorrow . There is no way we can risk it with the coughing being as bad as it is today . I wish I could afford a snow machine and fill the yard with snow , so she can play in it one last time . Instead , we will take her to her favorite park tomorrow and just hang out . I know in my gut , that the end is near . It is so hard to write those words , but every fiber in my being , tells me it is time . Steve and I decided a while ago , that when the time comes , she will have a gourmet meal , as one of her last meals . Today , I went and got her a t - bone steak and sweet potatoes . I wanted to get her a piece of cake , but Steve said it would be to much . Instead , I think we will give her some whipped cream , straight out of the can . I hate this part of the journey . When you get a dog , you don 't think about the day that will come when you have to say goodbye . You watch them grow up from being a puppy , and hope that old age is what takes them in the end . Cadence had years left in her . We took really good care of her . We always made sure she had the best food , exercised and made sure she was in good shape . I feel like we are being cheated , and there is nothing that I can do about it . Life is not fair . My poor sweet Cadence . My heart is breaking ……… 9 Comments → A day of peace and quiet Post on February 7th , 2013 by michele Mommy and Daddy went to work today , and for the first time in about a week , I had the house to myself . My mind was racing as to what I was going to do with all this alone time . We 've had a lot of people at the house the last week . My grandparents came to visit from Ohio . I hadn 't seen them in such a long time . The last time I saw them was when Daddy took me on this thing called an airplane , which was not fun by the way , this was when I was a puppy . I was so happy to see them again . They loved on me the whole time and grandma would sneak me Pirate 's Booty . I do love my Pirate 's Booty . I was sad to see them leave , but they needed to get home to their two dogs . Daddy fed me before he left for work today , so my belly was nice and full . I started my day off taking a nice long nap in the bedroom . I really didn 't feel like jumping on Mommy and Daddy 's bed , so I got comfy in mine . I slept and slept and slept . I love my Mommy to pieces , but ever since this cancer thing came back , she can be a bit of a pain in the butt . I really do mean that in a very loving way . Sometimes when I am sleeping , I wake up and have to cough a bit . Mommy will come running into the room and ask me a hundred times if I 'm ok . It seems like now , even if I fart , Mommy is asking me if I 'm ok . You see , Mommy is the worrier of the family . She worries a lot about me . I really wish she wouldn 't worry . They have done everything they could to protect me from this cancer thing . I try to tell Mommy , with my eyes , that everything will be ok . But , she still worries . Daddy on the other hand , is way more mellow than Mommy . I know he worries about me , but he doesn 't let it show . He still treats me the same . He rough houses with me and chases me around the house . I am very lucky to have them as my parents . I 'm like Mommy , and I lost track of what I was saying . Anyway …… . I slept most of the day away but I did manage to go outside a bit to do my business . It rained some here today , and I am not a big fan of getting wet . I wasn 't able to lay on my lounge chair and work on my tan today . I wandered around the house a bit . I hit the kitchen to see if anyone had dropped food on the floor . I was wanting an afternoon snack , but no such luck . I got bored pretty quickly and went back to sleep . Then I was awoken by the best sound in the world . I heard a key in the door . Mommy was home . I was so happy to see her . The first question she asked me was , " You ok , baby girl ? " That question was music to my ears . I hate to admit it , but I was bored without Mommy or Daddy being here . I may sleep when they are here , but it is very comforting knowing that they are no to far away when I need them . Daddy came home a little later and now we are at the house , all together , and one happy family . 3 Comments → Art project gone wrong …… . . Post on February 6th , 2013 by michele Cadence had another good day yesterday . The coughing was very minimal and she seemed to have a bit more energy . She still got in her naps but instead of just sleeping in our room , she followed me around the house . We sat in the yard for a bit and just enjoyed each other 's company . I left the house for a few hours to run errands , which makes me feel very guilty . I want to spend every minute with her . My mind starts racing when I am away from her . I worry that something will happen and I wont be there for her . When I got home she was waiting at the door , wagging her tail , and then let out a big yawn . She was just probably happy that she had some alone time and Mommy wasn 't smothering her . I did get her out for a small walk later on in the day . We have a greenbelt behind our house with lots of grass , which she enjoys . I wanted to keep the walk short as to not tire her out . She wanted to keep going . As I tried to turn around , the stubborn side of her came out . She just wouldn 't move . She had other plans at this point . I put my foot down and was able to get her to turn around . As we were getting close to the house , Steve was pulling into the driveway . I let go of the leash and she ran to Daddy . Cadence so loves her Daddy . I have to go back to work tomorrow and Steve is also working . She will be alone the whole day . I 'm also working through the weekend and Steve is away at military drills . We are having one of his friends come over over the weekend to check on her . I was also thinking about taking her into work on Sunday with me . I 'm just not sure if that would be to much excitement for her . Its a long day but I know how much she loves coming to work with me . I 'm still on the fence about it . I guess I will just wait and see how she does the next couple of days . Last night , Steve and I attempted to do an art project involving Cadence . Steve and I are not artistically inclined , so I knew this would not be pretty . We wanted to make a stepping stone with Cadence 's paw print . I went and got the kit and a few other accessories to make it nice and pretty . We mixed up the mix , poured it and waited to take her print until it was ready . We thought we had a plan . Well , as we all know , plans don 't always work out the way we want them to . We bribed her with cheese and then attempted several times to take the print . Cadence wasn 't very cooperative and the paw print looked like the size of a chihuahua . Cadence is a 90 lb dog , it did not do her justice . We just could not get it right . We tried several times but it just didn 't look good . We decided that we would just leave the print and continue on with the project . We then attempted to use letter impressions to spell out her name . The first letters we did looked somewhat decent , but as Steve continued , the letters all kind of blurred together . So now we had a messed up paw print and you couldn 't even read her name . At this point we just gave up . I 'm going to the pet store today to get one that even a two year old can do . I think the one with the molding clay is more our speed . The things we do for the love of our dogs . 2 Comments → To the park we will go …… Post on February 5th , 2013 by michele I decided that taking Cadence to the park yesterday was probably a good thing . Cadence seemed pretty worn out because she had slept all morning , so I wasn 't sure if she would be up for the adventure . I loaded up the car and came back into the house to get her . I grabbed the leash and she came running from the bedroom and into the kitchen . Her tail was wagging and she was ready to go . When we got to the park and out of the car , she had this renewed sense of energy . Her tail was wagging a mile a minute and she was smiling . We put the blanket down and then I put her on her extended lead . At first she didn 't know what to do . She stayed close by my side . The only time we put her on the long lead is when we are in Tahoe and she is swimming . She looked at me as if to say , " Hey Mom , there is no water here , what the heck am I doing on this thing . " Well , she quickly learned . I sat on the blanket and she just wandered off smelling the grass and running around . She even got in a few rolls in the grass . Watching all of this just warmed my heart . My heart has been hurting so much this last week , that it was nice to have it feeling good again . Occasionally she would come over to the blanket to make sure I was ok and she would sit for a while . Cadence sat by me as I laid in the sun , with her chest puffed out protecting me . Always the protector even though she is now the one that needs protecting . There is a creek that runs through the park that we take her . I wasn 't sure if there would be much water in there since it hasn 't been raining . We walked over to the area and I saw water . As much as Cadence loves us , I really do think she loves water more . I thought what the heck , we are going in . I tried to find the least complicated and safest way down . I was able to find a small hill that we needed to navigate . There was some brush and some small obstacles but we made our way down with no problems . At first she wasn 't sure what to do . Was mommy really going to let me go down in the water ? I could tell that was what she was thinking in her head . Then she went for it . She was running around getting soaking wet . She even found a big twig in the water that she proudly held in her mouth . She was having the time of her life and so was I . We stayed in the water for about 10 minutes then it was time to leave . Going up the hill wasn 't as easy as going down . All I kept thinking is that Steve was going to kill me if she hurt herself . I let her go first and kind of scooted her butt up when her back leg wasn 't enough to get her up . Well , we made it up in one piece , so it all ended up good . Last night I kept waiting for the fall out from an active day . There was none . There was no coughing . There was just a lot of snoring coming from a very happy American Bulldog who had the best day . This will be one of those memories that I keep close when things start to get rough and she is having a bad day . The picture of her with the stick in her mouth , wagging her tail and smiling , will forever be imprinted in my heart . |
Christmas Eve is tomorrow , it feels like it was just yesterday we were celebrating Christmas 2009 ! This will be our fifth year celebrating without Peter , so far it 's the hardest one . I am no longer just going through the motions of raising a family on my own . I am a part of life and I 'm feeling once again . Everyone is different when it comes to mourning , but we are all the same when it comes to the difficulty of going through the process . I am enjoying life and all it has to offer once again . I am also open to the idea of finding someone special to share it all with . My kids have said on several occasions they wish to have a step dad . I wish it were that easy ! Dating is also a process , and I for one need to proceed with caution . . . my heart is still fragile . We are ready for the holiday to begin , the only thing we have left to do is clean the house so Santa doesn 't trip on anything while putting presents under the tree . Thank you Santa , my kids have never been so eager to help clean the house before . It only took me saying , " You wouldn 't want Santa to hurt himself while at our house , then he couldn 't deliver gifts to other boys and girls . We would be all over the news as the family that stole Christmas ! " We baked yesterday , actually , we made more things on top of the stove , than in it . My goodies are " kid " friendly . . . scotcharoos , rice krispie balls , fudge , and some cookies . I remember when I was younger I would make a ton of holiday cookies . That was before I had kids and instead , had my mom 's influence as to what her favorites were ! Sherry , myself , and our families , would like to wish all of you a very joyous holiday season ! ! Until next time - Take Care , Sue Where does the time go ? Seriously , I can 't believe it 's been a few weeks since my last post , I apologize . When the kids were younger , parents with older kids would say , " Just wait until your kids get older , you 're going to be all over the place ! " I didn 't believe them . I am all over the place , and then some ! If I 'm not all over the place , I 'm at home , exhausted ! We have been getting ready for the holidays . The house is decorated on the inside , not on the outside . I decided not to worry about the outside this year . I think my bubble is still popped from last year 's incident with my Santa getting knifed . Plus I didn 't get a chance to sew him up , so he 's not ready to make an appearance . Shopping is all done , now it 's time to bake ! ! I got a call from Helen 's teacher today , her Christmas program was cancelled due to the music teacher not getting it organized in time . I felt bad for Helen , she was really looking forward to it . She was talking with her teacher about it , that 's why she called me . It 's actually a good thing , we 're in the middle of a snowstorm . I don 't like driving in this weather . Tomorrow is the Christmas concert for the other kids , they are very excited . I 'm looking forward to it , I really enjoy the kid 's programs . When I told the other kids Helen 's program was cancelled , they all said , " Oh , poor Helen , she was really excited about it ! " Now she can 't wait until Christmas Eve so she can wear her new dress . She wanted to wear it to school and got mad at me when I told her no . This time of year is always difficult , one day at a time . . . Until next time - Take Care , Sue The days seem to be passing by so quickly , the holidays are upon us ! Last week the kids and I went to Helen 's school for her Thanksgiving Feast . She and her classmates were busy the day before our visit making pies . They made delicious pumpkin and apple ! ! It was wonderful to see how excited and happy Helen and her friends got when their families arrived . I gave my camera to Helen and told her to take pictures of her teachers and friends . They thought she was joking around , until they saw the flash ! I told them how much she loves to take pictures , she even sets up the shot ! She is now the " official " photographer for their classroom . They had the feast last week because this week they are making their famous salads . They will also be making soups this winter . I 'm not sure how it all works , but I 'm sure I 'll get a crash course ! Helen loves her new school , teachers , and friends , I 'm glad it all worked out . We have some sort of stomach bug racing through our house , thank goodness it only lasts for a few hours . I can handle a lot of things , but throw up is not one of them . Peter used to clean up the kids and I would clean up the mess that was made . I now have to do all of it , and you would think since the kids are older , it wouldn 't be so bad . . . it is . Night time , bunk beds , it doesn 't work so well when your eight years old . Katie is home from school , resting on the couch . Hopefully she will feel better when she wakes up . The other kids got sick , slept , and woke up feeling fine , hers seems to be more than that . At least its not Thanksgiving week ! ! The rest of this week and into next , I will be getting my house in order for company . I also need to pull out the winter clothes for the kids . We have had such a mild Fall , I haven 't gotten around to doing it . Sooooo much to do ! ! Until next time - Take Care , Sue I had such a nice time helping Helen 's class prepare salads . I am very impressed at how smoothly everything went . They went shopping on Thursday to buy all the ingredients . I was told that Helen kept everyone entertained in the van by singing with the radio . One of her favorite songs came on , " Tonight 's gonna be a good night " by the Black Eyed Peas , and she sang very loudly ! When I arrived at her school on Friday , everyone was already in hair nets and gloves . I put on an apron , put my hair net on , and grabbed some gloves . Helen and I were put in charge of pouring the salad dressings into individual cups . They had bought a pump for the jar and we were the first ones to use it . According to her teacher , this made the job much easier . I held the cup underneath the pump and Helen pushed down . When we first started she wasn 't paying attention and would keep pushing down after I moved the cup , what a mess ! Once we got into the groove of things , we moved rather quickly . We filled 146 cups . . . yay us ! ! When we were done filling the cups , Helen left to go swimming . It was her inclusion class ' day to have free time in the pool . I was now flying solo and was put right to work filling the container 's with the lettuce . Two big handfuls per container . . . WOW , that 's a lot of salad ! While Helen and I were doing our job of filling the cups , the other kids were busy chopping and slicing all of the toppings , of course with supervision . At every table , behind every bowl , sat one of Helen 's classmates with a scooper in hand , waiting patiently to add their assigned topping to the mound of lettuce . The assembling began . . . grab a container , then an order slip , read what toppings were ordered and stop at the stations to get them put on the salad . Some of the kids put it right in the center , others were close , but most of the toppings landed on the sides . I learned to rotate the container so all sides were hit . Ask for the topping . . . " please " , " thank - you " , add the salad dressing , close the lid , put the order form on the top , and on to the nextPosted by Monday Toby and I started a new routine , we have started walking a mile and a half . Once Helen leaves on the bus , we head out . Toby gets so excited I have a hard time putting his leash on . He starts running back and forth from me to the door . He is all full of energy when we first start out , but then starts to slow down when we hit our half mile mark . I guess I should come clean and admit that I 'm the same . . . well , all but the running back and forth part ! A few weeks ago I was able to join three of the kids on their field trips . Katie and Robbie went to a local farm run by nuns , that was a great trip . We learned about how they collect honey from the bee hives , how they provide electricity to the farm ( small turbine ) , and how they provide food to the animals and to themselves . Grace 's field trip was to the pumpkin farm . We saw a puppet show , went on a hayride , went through the corn maze , and then picked our pumpkins . We were lucky to have had great weather for both trips ! Tomorrow I 'm going to Helen 's school to help make the salads . I even got to order one for myself ! I had no idea how many choices you had . They offer a lot of toppings , onions , green peppers , mushrooms , ham , eggs homemade croutons , bacon bits , just to mention a few . I 'm looking forward to seeing how Helen does with me there . Will she be naughty , or behave ! ? ! ! Tonight is Robbie 's Cub Scout Halloween party , I 'm hoping to hand over the Treasurer 's file to the new person . I have been treasurer for the past four years , it 's someone else 's turn . For some reason this year , my plate is overflowing . I need to lessen the load wherever possible . Thank goodness I know my limits , and I have definitely reached them ! Our goal for launching the website is Spring , other than that , there 's really nothing new to report . Until next time - Take Care , Sue Helen must be feeling comfortable at school , she is starting to act up . The other day she was making noises , yelling the teacher 's name , and throwing toys . I guess the up side to all of this is the fact that it didn 't take her very long to get used to her new school ! Her new teacher has a salad / soup program in her class . They go grocery shopping with the kids to buy all the ingredients , and then the next day they make the salads or soups for the staff at the school . Helen loved doing the shopping , but when it came time to prepare the food , she couldn 't keep her fingers out of her mouth and nose . She was unable to participate because of that . I 'm hoping she will behave this week and be able to help in the entire process . She loves to help , I was surprised to hear of her behavior . They have started with salads , and as the weather gets colder , they will include soups . I have signed up to help , I can 't wait to see how it all works . . . wonder if I get to taste test ! ! Ted had his first cross country meet yesterday , he ran a mile and a half in about 16 minutes . He did a great job , he improved from last year . He said he ran the whole time , last year he walked quite a bit . He came in 26th place , last year he was second to last . He has another meet on Tuesday , he 's looking forward to it . The hot lunch crew is going to try and dress up for Halloween . We are going out tomorrow looking for lunch lady costumes . We 're thinking of getting house coats , hair nets , maybe wigs , support hose , and anything else that would make us look like the typical looking hot lunch ladies ! It should be a fun time ! ! Until next time - Take Care , Sue I just got back from a school field trip with Robbie and Katie , we went to the landfill . What an easy trip for my first one with the bigger kids , we stayed on the bus for the entire time . We drove on the landfill and learned all about what was underneath us , it was very interesting . The kids were so happy to have me there , especially Katie . I haven 't been able to go on any field trips with the older kids until now . I did go on preschool field trips but they said that didn 't count . Now that all the kids are in school all day , I 'm able to go , as long as it doesn 't get in the way of working on the clothing line . Thursday we 're going on a walking field trip to the newspaper to see how they recycle . Next Friday I have back to back trips . Robbie and Katie are going to the Eco Justice Center in the morning , and Grace 's class is going to the pumpkin farm in the afternoon . I am going to be exhausted . . . but in a GOOD way ! ! Yesterday I worked in the yard , the front one to be exact . I pulled all the flowers , turned over the dirt , pulled the weeds , trimmed the bushes , and washed all the windows . I could barely move last night , I thought for sure I 'd be the same today . I 'm feeling fine , I 'm ready to do the same thing with the backyard ! My neighbor told me he would help me with the weeds in the backyard , they are much worse than in the front . I didn 't plant a garden this year , so now it 's overgrown with weeds . I have the BEST neighbors ! ! We have nice weather here this week so I 'm trying to get all the outside chores done before the cold weather comes . . . . BRRRRR ! Until next time - Take Care , Sue Writer 's block ? I 'd like to be able to blame my absence on that , but that 's not the case . I thought I would enjoy all the kids being in school , instead , I have been very overwhelmed . September has been a difficult month for me since Peter died , emotionally and financially . Every year I tell myself when August rolls around , " Hang in there , everything will work out , it always does . " It doesn 't work ! So , enough about me . . . the kids have gotten back into the routine of being back in school . Helen loves her new school and teachers . They have started a reward system with her that I thought was genius . She has to receive eight smiley faces in order to watch five minutes of ICarly . Today however , she wouldn 't listen , even when ICarly was mentioned . . . maybe it 's not so genius ! I can 't wait for her to grow out of this stage ! Now ask me how long I 've been saying that ! ! Noah loves going to Kindergarten , he feels like a big kid . I was worried he wouldn 't listen to the teacher . I talked with her last year and told her my concerns . She put his desk right next to hers , just to be safe . She told me I must have been pulling her leg last school year because Noah is a very good listener . I also heard that he and two other boys , his friends from preschool , are the best behaved boys . What a relief ! Ted has taken to middle school like a pro , he really enjoys it . Robbie , Katie , and Grace like their new teachers too . Grace isn 't too happy starting the year off with homework , but she 'll get used to it . We just celebrated Ted 's twelfth birthday , I still can 't believe it . Helen , on the other hand , is still twenty - nine ! ! She wanted today to be her birthday . I told her , " Noooo , your birthday 's in February ! " She told me , " Noooo , it 's today ! " She then started laughing ! Sherry is heading to the textile show in LA this week - end . She is looking for a different jean material , since we had some concerns voiced to us about the fabric of our jeans . I must say , I have washed Helen 's pair many , many times , and they still look brand new ! We are moving alonPosted by Growing up my mom used to plant flowers every summer , she loved the way the dirt felt in her hands , she didn 't wear gloves . I couldn 't understand how she could have all that dirt under her fingernails , it drove me nuts . She absolutely loved flowers , any kind , it didn 't matter . Later in life she planted mostly impatiens . I did love the way the yard looked with the addition of those beautiful flowers , so much so that I started doing the same thing when we moved into this house . The first spring we were here , she was staying with us . I asked her to coach me on how to plant , she was more than willing . We went to the nursery where she helped me pick out the flowers , she also " schooled " me on what to look for . I went with pink ( light and dark ) and white impatiens , she told me the white was to help break up the pink color . I thought having the light and dark was contrast enough , but she knew what she was doing so I listened to her . We bought a bunch of them , not knowing how many to buy since it was the first time planting . I brought one of my patio chairs to the front yard so she could sit down and " coach " away . She explained how deep to dig and how to place the plants so they would look nice . She even quizzed me a few times asking which color I was going to plant next ! She even schooled me on how to plant bulbs and when the best time to do that was . I am so glad I listened that day , because when the time came to plant those bulbs . . . she was gone . I have only planted two more times since that first year . Last year I went with purple , light and dark , and of course white . This year I planted red and white . They never look as nice as they did that first year , they grew so big and tall . I think it was my mom 's touch from heaven . She told me impatiens have to be planted every year , they do not come back like some other plants . Kind of funny she said that , because every year under my pine tree grows a small amount of pink impatiens . Each year they are in different locations under that tree , but they are there . . . a gift from my Posted by He took his last breathe and was gone , it happened that quickly . I had to get out of that room , the room I had spent the last six days in watching him die . The room was filled with his family , my in - laws , the people I had come to know and love in the past two and half months . Trying to leave the room I was blocked by his father 's legs as he knelt by his son 's bedside , sobbing . Keeping my eyes on the floor , I raised my voice , " Move ! " I couldn 't get out of that room quick enough , Peter was not there anymore . I could no longer feel his presence ; he was reunited with his mom who had died eight years earlier . When I had walked into that room I was a married woman , I now burst through the door a widow . I walked down the hallway , not knowing where I was going , in disbelief he was gone . I walked into the meeting room where I had spent time visiting with family , saying , " NO , NO , NO . . . " I sat down wondering , what next . I walked back to the room where he lay looking so peaceful , I couldn 't go in . I started towards the nurse 's desk and fell against the wall , crying . One of Peter 's nurses came , grabbed me by the shoulders and led me to a chair behind the nurse 's station . Condolences already , I wasn 't ready for this . We were supposed to grow old together ; we were supposed to raise our children and enjoy our grandchildren together . I was not supposed to be talking to someone on the other end of the phone about donating my husband 's corneas . Yes , he hadn 't been dead ten minutes and I received " that " phone call . My sister - in - law Maria came and found me , there was another phone call for me , " Oh God , who wants what now ? " I was afraid to answer it , but I wasn 't ready to go back into the room , so I did . Peter 's friend Irene was on the other end , more condolences . We spoke for a bit , she shared a few stories about him with me , and then informed me she was heading to the Greek Monastery to light a candle for his soul . That conversation somehow made me feel better , we hung up and I started towards " the room " . Although I thought I was ready , Posted by It 'll Fit 'll would like to congratulate one of our most dedicated followers . . . Sarah . Good luck to you and your mom with the opening of your fabric store , JEllen 's House of Fabric . Their store is located at 5259 Mayfield Rd . , Lyndhurst , OH . . . their grand opening is Monday , August 9th . That day also happens to be Sarah 's 21st birthday , what a special day it will be ! ! They will be celebrating all week , through August 14th . We wish you tremendous success in your new endeavor . Happy 21st Birthday . . . hope it 's a wonderful day ! ! : o ) Sherry , Sue , and Helen ( the It 'll Fit 'll team ) Back from Orlando and still trying to catch up ! It was a great experience being at the NDSC convention , I hope to go again . Even though Helen is ten , I had never gone to a convention before , even when it was in my backyard ( Chicago ) . What a wonderful feeling of community , every child was beautiful . We all understood the grunts , the sitting on the floor and not moving , the not wanting to co - operate , the running away . . . we 've all been there , done that ! For once I didn 't have to worry about Helen , it was a great feeling . She did a great job helping us at the table . It was nice meeting everyone , the input we received was a huge help . I loved seeing our special kids and the talents they hold within themselves . I hope one day Helen will be able to share her talent . . . photography . She still needs practice , but not much ! She is very good at centering her subject , and loves to give orders . She took a picture of me when I wasn 't smiling , she put the camera down and told me , " Mom , smile , like this " she took her hands and pushed her lips up into a smile , " Like that " she said . One of these days . Please keep your input coming , any ideas you may have will also be a help . Until next time - Take Care , Sue Guess what . . . I have exciting news . . . WE HAVE LAUNCHED THE CLOTHING LINE ! ! ! We are at the National Down Syndrome Conference in Florida and we are selling clothes . It was a long time coming , thanks for being so patient with us . We have made it through very difficult personal struggles and we 're ready to sell , sell , sell ! ! We have started the clothing line with jeans , pink chinos , khaki chinos , and t - shirts in pink , yellow , mocha , and blue . We also have bodysuits , and a prototype for a back zipped Jammie . Our website was also supposed launch today , but due to some " glitches " , we were unable to do so . We are hoping to be up and running within the next ten days . . . so please keep checking ! ! If you are in Orlando , stop by , say hi , and check out the merchandise . . . we 'd love to meet you ! ! ! Until next time - Take Care , Sue Helen went to get into the pool today , when we took the cover off we were greeted with green water . . . UGH ! ! I am now trying to " fix " the problem . In the meantime , Helen is wearing her swimsuit around the house . I keep telling her she won 't be able to swim today because of all the chemicals I have put in to get rid of the icky water . . . she won 't listen . I am keeping my eye on her because I 'm afraid she will sneak outside and jump into the pool as the water gets clear . I don 't know how this happened , I check the water everyday and add the things it needs in order to keep the water clear . I 'm hoping all I have done works , I don 't know how long I can keep her out of the pool , she 's a little fish ! I hope everyone enjoyed their Fourth of July , we did . I had family over for a cook - out and then the kids and I went to watch fireworks . We go to the same place every year , right on the lakefront . There is nothing like watching fireworks explode over one of the great lakes . One year Peter and I were in Colorado for the Fourth of July , and I must say , watching fireworks light up against the mountains comes close ! Helen loved watching all the colors , she would tell us the colors just in case we didn 't see them . It 's been hot and humid around here lately , the kids have been spending time indoors . They are just like me , I don 't do well in this kind of weather , it makes me feel a little sick . They go and play on the swings for about ten minutes , and then they 're done . When in the pool , they last about a half hour , well , except Helen , she 's in for a long time . . . my little fish ! ! Until next time - Take Care , Sue I can 't believe how quickly this summer is going , it 's already July ! I knew there would come a day when I was going to be all over the place with the kids . I just never thought it would happen so quickly ! I 've been dropping off at friend 's houses , sporting events , Bible camp , scout meetings and camping trips . . . I don 't know if I 'm coming or going ! ! To top it all off , my car broke down last week , and I was without it for a week . Helen and I were on our way to the grocery store , to do big shopping , we were down to the bare essentials . My friend had put on two used tires for me , my old ones were about to fall apart . When I put the car in gear he said it didn 't sound too good . He was going to give my car a tune - up on the week - end so he said he would take a look at it then . When Helen came home from school we left for the store . While driving down the road , my car started to make loud clunking sounds . I called my friend and asked him if he thought we would make it to the store . He thought we would be fine so we kept going . I went to accelerate at a stop light when the car made a very loud " thump " and then it sounded like the wheels were spinning . I pulled over at the next side street , called my friend , and then realized I had no reverse . He came and drove my car to his house , then gave Helen and I a ride home . This exact same thing happened to me right after Peter died , it was the transmission . . . KA - CHING ! ! ! I called the garage when I got home to check on the warranty , it was only for a year . I decided to have them tow the car to their garage and take a look . He offered to do the work and charge me a certain amount regardless of the repair that needed to be done . I went ahead and had them fix my car . I also had them do a few other things for me that needed to be done . It took a week for the repair . Thank goodness I was able to borrow my sister - in - law 's car while they were out of town . Granted , I couldn 't take all the kids with me at one time , but at least I had a vehicle to run to the store , or whatever else popped up . Posted by Helen with her favorite teacher , Mrs . Coughlin ( Mrs . Coffee as Helen calls her ) Helen with Mrs . Culshaw , Mrs . Coughlin 's assistantHelen and Mrs . Mitchell , her speech pathologist Helen 's last day of school was a week ago , it was her last day at Roosevelt Elementary . I think I was more sad about it than she was . She has had a great team of teachers for the last 4 years , we are both going to miss them . I went and bought flowers for her teachers and their assistants . The kids and I waited outside for Helen to come out , each one holding a bouquet . I was told by the teachers that was a beautiful sight . Helen was so excited to see all of us , she knew there would be flowers for everyone . She went and took the flowers from the kids , one by one , and handed them out . We all chatted for a bit , hugged and said our good - bye 's , I had tears in my eyes . I 'm sad , but excited for our new chapter with Helen 's new school . She keeps talking about her new school , and she mentions all her friends who are going too . She even mentions Mrs . Coughlin , and then I have to explain to her that she will not be her teacher next year . . . I hope it sinks in . Peter 's birthday was that same day . We headed to the cemetery as soon as we left Helen 's school . We planted flowers for him , everyone had a job . Helen 's was to water . I didn 't even have the flowers planted and she went and filled her jug with water . She sat down beside me holding onto her water and watched me clean up the weeds , turn the dirt , and plant the flowers . She was thrilled when it was finally time to water the freshly planted flowers . From there we went to our favorite restaurant and had lunch . It was a good day . Helen starts summer school on Monday , she can 't wait . My other kids , minus Ted , start Bible Camp for two weeks . We have been quite busy already this summer . The pool is up , and there is new sand in the sandbox . . . so far , so good ! ! Until next time - Take Care , Sue Last week Noah graduated preschool , Wednesday Grace graduated Kindergarten , and today Ted , Robbie , and Katie had their last day of school . . . the summer has officially started ! Helen 's last day is next Wednesday , Peter 's birthday . We are going to pick her up and then head to the cemetery to plant flowers . She will be leaving the school and teachers that she has known for the past four years . It 's going to be a sad day , I 'm going to miss everyone . They have been such a wonderful group of teachers . Helen is really going to miss them , especially Mrs . Coughlin , or as Helen calls her . . . Mrs . Coffee . She is the one who taught her how to read , her favorite past time . Peter went to the school to observe the classroom before we decided to send Helen there . He really liked the atmosphere and especially liked Mrs . Coughlin . I 'm glad we listened to his instincts and it all worked out , they have been a huge support system for me . . . everything happens for a reason ! Robbie had a black spot near the area where he had his birthmark removed over a year ago . I thought it could possibly be a tick since he had been camping recently . When I rubbed my hand over it I could feel a piece of it sticking out . In fact , that 's how I found it in the first place . I was putting sunscreen on him for the school picnic and felt it . It looked like the tick had embedded itself into his skin . I made an appointment for him the next day at the doctor , if it were a tick , we needed a professional to remove it ! It took two seconds for the doctor to tell me , " It 's NOT a tick . " I kept asking him , " Are you sure ? " I guess I thought he didn 't get a good enough look at it . According to the doctor , it 's a stitch that either didn 't get removed , or never dissolved . The body didn 't recognize it , so it 's trying to kick it out . It 's slowly working it 's way out , and it 's not looking very pretty in the process . We 're keeping an eye on it . Katie played her first softball game of the season the other night , it was called because of the rain . I started to feel a few drops as sooPosted by Everyone was sick last week , it started with Helen and ended with me . It didn 't last long , about 12 hours of upset tummies . Mine lasted longer , about two days ! I was exhausted and think I still haven 't completely recovered . Helen 's IEP went well , it was sad since it was the last meeting with those teachers . We all agree that this new program will benefit Helen , and we think she will do very well . They told me they will miss Helen , in fact , all the teachers and office staff will . I told them I would keep in touch via email and let them know how she is doing . Noah turned 5 yesterday , I can 't believe how big he has gotten . We had a party for him last week - end , he thought once you have a party then you turn a year older . I told him his actual birthday was on Thursday , he told me , " Then I 'll be 6 ! " I took him to the toy store and then out for lunch after . I think lunch was more for me than him ! I won 't have many opportunities to have him alone once school is out . Next year he will be in Kindergarten all day , along with the other kids . I think I 'm going to go through an adjustment period , but when that 's over , I know I will enjoy having them all in school ! ! He had preschool graduation today , he told me , " Mom , you know I 'm big now , I 'm in bigger preschool now ! " I said , " You mean Kindergarten ? " He said , " Yeah , big kid school . " How cute is that ! ? ! ! This holiday week - end we are cleaning up the backyard and getting everything ready for planting . The kids keep asking me to put the pool up , so that 's definitely on the to do list . I usually have my flowers planted by now , but the weather has been so crazy in the past that I thought I 'd wait a few extra weeks before planting this year . In the past I really thought I would loose the flowers because it got so cold . We have had beautiful weather this week I 'm starting to doubt my decision . . . oh well , they 'll get planted soon enough . I hope all of you have a happy and safe Memorial Day week - end . Until next time - Take Care , Sue I went to see the school that Helen will be attending and I met her new teacher . I think it 's going to be a great fit ! ! I 'm feeling much better about the whole thing , and think Helen will really enjoy the new teacher . Her classroom seems to run like a well oiled machine , there are about 3 aides in her classroom right now . Every other week the class prepares either soup or salad for the staff at the school . They do all the shopping , prep work , and cooking as a class . I asked if they ever have parents help and was glad to hear that they are always looking for parents to get involved . I volunteer at the kid 's school every Wednesday , I help make hot lunch . I signed up at Helen 's school to volunteer but never received a phone call from them . I 'm happy that I will have the option next year to help at Helen 's school too ! ! I meet Monday morning with her teacher 's for her IEP . . . I really hate these meetings ! I 'm going to make sure that everything is in writing , especially since she is switching schools . I definitely don 't want anything to fall through the cracks . Helen came home sick from school today , she had a tummy thing going on . She wasn 't her usual self today , I 'm hoping a good night 's sleep will do her good . Grace is also not feeling well . We made it through the winter with hardly any illness , now it 's bombarding us ! ! Ted is off on a Boy Scout camping trip this week - end , and Robbie leaves tomorrow for camping with his best friend . Tomorrow night is going to be girls night with Noah ! ! I 'm trying to think of something special we can do without spending a lot of money . . . any suggestions ? Until next time - Take Care , Sue Katie on her First Communion dayKatie made her First Communion last Sunday , it turned out to be a beautiful day . All the kids looked so nice , and none of the girls had the same dress . My friend made her veil , it matched her dress perfectly . Three kids down , three to go ! ! I 'm hoping Helen will be ready next year , this way each child will have their own day , and won 't have to share it with anyone else . She knows her prayers , it 's getting her to sit still during Mass , that 's the issue . On Sunday , Katie will get dressed in this beautiful dress again in order to participate in the crowning of Mary . Each year the First Communicants are the ones who get to do the honors . They march around church in a single file line , present Mary with roses , and then one lucky kid gets to place the crown on her head . It is a very special morning ! I made an appointment for Monday to look at Helen 's new school for next year . I have been waiting for her teachers to let me know when we were going . The original plan was for all of us to go together and check it out , but that never happened . With only a month left of school , I thought I better get over there and get to know the teacher and school . She sounds very nice , and is looking forward to meeting me . Hopefully all will go well , and it will be a perfect fit for Helen . I have her IEP meeting coming up in a week , I hate going to those meetings . I go in thinking she 's doing awesome , and then BAM . . . I hear the stories of how she has been misbehaving , I hate that ! I know she has been acting up lately , she always does at this time of year . I think she is done with school and needs a few weeks off . She will definitely look forward to summer school , she always does . She 's just had enough of the regular school year . Not much longer I tell her , I 'm hoping she hangs in there . Until next time - Take Care , Sue Katie is stirring the wheat flour and waterThe batter is then placed in the middle of the press to be cookedThe finished product . . . unleavened breadCutting the unleavened bread with a host cutter to make individual hostsKatie and Fr . John trying to free a cut host from the unleavened breadYesterday I went to watch the second graders make Communion Hosts . The press they used was found in the church basement . It is the press the nuns used when making Communion hosts many years ago . This is the third time I have gone , and still enjoyed it very much . Katie and her class are making their First Communion on Sunday , they are all very excited . Life has been happening in this household , it has been so busy around here lately . Ted has been busy with Boy Scouts , he went on his first camping trip as a Boy Scout last week - end . He had a blast and is looking forward to the next one . The troop goes camping once a month ! Helen has been busy reading , she loves it . Her group language teacher takes pictures while doing an activity and then makes it into a book . Helen 's favorite book is the one where they carved a pumpkin . My favorite is when they played in the snow outside and Helen kept eating the snow ! Robbie started a volleyball clinic a few weeks ago , he was a bit unsure about it . He had never really played outside of gym class , but now really likes the sport . When he reaches fifth grade , he will be able to join the school team , I 'm hoping that 's the goal . Katie has been getting ready for her First Communion . We have everything ready to go , dress , shoes , and veil . I had a friend of mine make her veil to match the dress . . . it turned out beautiful . I will post pictures next week . Grace has been busy talking on the phone ! I don 't allow her to make phone calls yet , it 's her friends that call her . I heard her give the low down of what we were all up to one day ! Noah has been busy attending birthday parties , he 's getting so big ! Getting out of the car the other day when dropping him off at school , he told me , " Get back in the car Mom , IPosted by I cannot believe Kate Gosselin is still on Dancing With The Stars . . . yep , that 's right , I watch Dancing With The Stars ! ! I have watched since it first came on , and if I can 't watch it , I DVR it , which sometimes is better because then I can fast forward through the commercials . I know I should be cheering her on since her claim to fame is being a mom , but come on , really ! ? ! ! She missed steps completely , it doesn 't even look like she 's dancing most of the time , and she looks stiff . I 'm not saying I could do any better , I 'm just saying there were other people who were voted off that shouldn 't have went before she did . Hello . . . wake up . . . it 's more about popularity than talent ! ! On The View , Sheri Shepard said she tweeted to all her peeps to vote for Kate . According to her , she has hundreds of thousands of followers . . . is that really fair ? What I really want to know is . . . how does a person go about getting a show ? She had a show because she had eight kids , that 's only two more than me . . . I know , she had six of them at one time . Think about it though , widow with six kids , one of them being special needs . . . I think it could work . I need to provide for my kids , just like Kate . I would love to be able to travel more with them , and do more things locally with them . Everything costs money , something I don 't have a lot of . We can really be entertaining at times , so anyone out there with connections . . . . The kids have been on Spring Break this week . I had so many plans of things I was going to get done around the house . . . it didn 't happen . We had about two days worth of good weather , the kids were outside playing last Friday . Robbie decided to bring out the basketball hoop and play some ball . He threw the ball and instead of it going into the basket , it hit the window and broke it ! What a way to start the holiday ! I had my friend come and take a look , he suggested I replace the whole window . It is a good idea , the window is old , and very drafty . He is looking into prices for me , he and a friend would do the work for me . I don 't know wPosted by Here are the videos from the Variety Show last Friday . Katie is in the " Keep On " video , Robbie is in the " You Belong With Me " video , and Ted is in the " 5th Grade Dance " video . I hope you enjoy it as much as I did . Until next time - Take Care , Sue This has been one crazy week , but it 's been a good one . Robbie and Katie are ready for their performances tonight in the school variety show . Robbie is performing with the girls in his class along with some of the fourth grade girls . . . yes , older women ! ! They are singing and dancing to Taylor Swift 's song " You Belong With Me " . If you have seen the video , Robbie is the boy next door . If you haven 't , Taylor Swift is in love with her next door neighbor and is trying to tell him that his girlfriend is no good for him , but she is . In the end , the girlfriend dumps the boy for someone else , and Taylor Swift gets him . During the video , they hold up signs in order to communicate across the way . Robbie and the girls are holding up similar signs , it starts with the girls holding up , " Are you okay ? " Robbie answers with , " Too much drama " , and the girls answer with , " Sorry " . Then they do their singing and dancing and end the show with a sign that reads , " I love you " . Robbie then holds up a sign that reads , " I love my mom " ! It is too cute ! Katie is performing with the girls in her class , they are singing and dancing to the Brady Bunch 's " Keep On , Keep On " song . They are wearing white shirts and blue pants that we have put white and blue tape on in order to resemble the costumes the Brady 's wore . I think it 's going to turn out cute also , I saw some of it yesterday when I went to pick her up from practice . I 'm going to try and take pictures , I know for sure I 'm going to record it . I will try and post something on here so you can see , but I 'm not to computer smart , so I 'm not promising . St . Patrick 's Day landed on our busiest day of the week , so I put the food in the crock pot to cook . It turned out okay , but prefer the way my mom cooked it . I hope everyone enjoyed their day of being Irish ! ! The kids have been busy learning their Greek poems , the girls know theirs by heart , thanks to Papou . Now they sound Greek , when I read them the way the teacher 's wrote them . . . not so much ! They have practice tomorrow morning while the parents decPosted by Lately I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed , there is too much paperwork in the world ! Since Ted crossed over , there has been paperwork after paperwork emailed to me . The problem with that is , I open it on my computer , but the printer is connected to the kids computer , so I forget about it . He needed a permission slip for camping turned in on Tuesday whether you were going or not , and I completely forgot . I feel bad he can 't go on the very first camping trip as a Boy Scout , but we have other commitments . The school variety show is on Friday , and his whole class is performing together . Saturday I 'm having family over for Robbie 's birthday and on Sunday the kids are performing in the Greek Independence Day program . There is no way he can miss that , he has been practicing very hard . I was told by the teachers on Wednesday that I need to work with all of them more . They even wrote out the poems phonetically so I could teach them . . . HA ! ! That doesn 't always help , I still don 't know what syllable to emphasize ! Needless to say , we have a busy week ahead of us . We also have a Boy Scout meeting and a Cub Scout meeting , along with dress rehearsal for the variety show . Busy , busy , busy . . . Helen has had awesome days at school , in fact , she now comes home and tells me how naughty Jack has been . The things she tells me he does , she used to do , that 's the funny part . She explains how he got a sad face at recess because he pushed someone down and how the teacher told him not to touch his friends at school . Aaahhh . . . memories ! I hope we have turned the corner , but I 'm not holding my breath . . . she can really be a dickens at times . I received an email the other day telling me now is the time to get Katie signed up for softball , and Grace was old enough to join the team . Grace right away said no , she doesn 't want to play . I tried talking her into it , she 's just not interested . Katie had to think about it , because she loves the practices just not the games ! I don 't know if you remember me talking about it last summer , but she was forevePosted by When logging on today , I noticed we have posted over 200 blogs . . . WOOHOO ! ! ! ( no wonder I have run out of things to talk about ! ! just kidding ) I just got back from my parent / teacher conference with Helen 's teachers . . . ugh ! We didn 't talk about her behavior , she has been doing pretty good lately . In fact , she is the student of the month for her class . We discussed the changes that are coming . . . I hate change ! I 'm sure we 're not the first state , nor will we be the last , to make changes to the special education system . Here in Wisconsin they want all students to be included 100 % , whether they can handle the classroom or not . Luckily , there is one classroom still in the district that is mostly self contained . I say lucky because Helen is not ready for full inclusion . I know there are kids out there who can do it , Helen just happens to be one of those who can 't . I am hoping eventually she will be able to handle it , until then , we need to put her in a place where she is not overwhelmed . This program where she will be going next school year sounds perfect , and a good place for her to learn the skills she needs in order to function in the classroom . Eventually , she will be included 100 % , I just want her to be able to handle it . One of her teachers has already been there to check it out . She thinks it 's a perfect placement for Helen . Her other teacher , Helen , and myself are going to go and check it out soon . It sounds like a good fit for Helen , it will be interesting to see how she likes it . One of the activities they do is to plan , shop , and prepare either soup or salad for the staff at the school . I know Helen would love to do this , she loves to help in the kitchen . It will also help with her social skills , she sometimes behaves inappropriately in public . I 'm both sad and excited about this new program . I will hate to see Helen leave the school she is at , she has been there for five years now . I think her teacher is a security blanket for me , we have been a team for so long , it will be hard to change partners . But . . . change Posted by Fancy Nancy party at Helen 's schoolThis past Tuesday Helen and I attended the Fancy Nancy party at her school , she had such a good time . For those of you who don 't know who Fancy Nancy is , she is a literary character found in children 's books . She enjoys dressing fancy , boas , tiaras , the whole shebang ! Helen was so excited about going to the " Fancy , Fancy " party , that 's all she talked about . When we arrived we sat in the gym and watched the local High School cheerleaders perform a few cheers . Then we were off to the art room so Helen could make a picture frame for the picture that was taken when we first arrived . She put glitter all over her face and made her friends laugh . From there we went into a room where there was a woman who talked about manners , and respect for others . I don 't think Helen got anything out of that one , she was busy looking around and checking out her picture frame . Fancy Nancy herself was in the last room we visited , she read a story about fancy words . Helen enjoyed that room , I 'd say she enjoyed it the most , but after there we went back into the gym for ice cream ! She didn 't look up until her ice cream was gone . The last thing they did was hold a raffle for Fancy Nancy books and a doll , Helen didn 't win , but our neighbor did . It was very nice to spend an evening with Helen , just the two of us . I think she had a good time too , it 's all she has been talking about ! ! Until next time - Take Care , Sue Helen thinking of her wishHelen with her ICarly cake My beautiful Helen on her birthday ( the camera date is wrong ) Helen turned ten last Saturday . . . yes , she is now " double digits " ! ! Everyone came over to celebrate with us , she had a great time . She was so excited last week , counting down the days until the birthday . Her teachers let some things go last week because of the excitement , it was all she talked about . She has started to mature a bit , but she can still be a stinker at times . The kids had a blast last week during Catholic schools week . I mentioned in my last blog that I was going to help at the carnival . I ran the golf game . . . I became light headed ! I had to bend down and pick up the balls and then set them up for the kids . It was moving along so quickly , I was up , down , up , down . . . yikes ! ! Katie was hanging around so I asked her to help me . She stayed most of the time , because of that , she received a homework pass . She was able to turn in homework without doing it and get 100 % . After the other kids heard what she was getting , they all were hanging around . I talked with the teacher and told her they would probably all say they helped , which they did , just not for very long . On Tuesday , the kids went to an all school skating party . Ted had an orthodontist appointment which is near the rink . Instead of taking him back to school , I dropped him off at the party . We beat the buses there , so I was talking with some of the other parents and they talked me into staying . Having roller skated as a kid , and absolutely loving it , I couldn 't resist putting on a pair of skates . I was a bit wobbly , but in general , did pretty good . I held Katie 's hand for awhile and skated with her , she was doing awesome by the end of the day . She was so proud of herself , and so was I . Robbie held onto me for a little while , but most of his friends were busy playing video games , and snacking . He stood next to me during the Hokey Pokey . . . needless to say , I didn 't have the opportunity to do the dance because Robbie kept grabbing onto me so hePosted by A 41 year old man went to bed last Tuesday night , never thinking he would never wake up again . During the night he suffered a massive heart attack due to hardening of the heart from smoking . His kids are in Ted 's Greek school class , they cancelled class last week because of this . I am very surprised at how much this has effected me . I keep thinking back to when Peter passed away , and all that goes with it . That woman right now is living in hell , and there is nothing anyone can do about it . It will take time before she feels again , before she can think clearly , before she feels like a part of the world . My heart aches for her and her kids . I passed along the information for the support group we used to go to , hopefully that will help a little bit . We stopped going because they could not accommodate Helen , they lost her one night . She had gone into the playroom with Noah , and when I went to pick her up at the end of the night , she was gone . My kids found her wandering around the church . . . we never went back . Grief is a wicked thing to deal with , it can pop up it 's evil head at anytime , no matter how long it 's been . This has triggered my sadness about Peter . It didn 't help matters that Katie had her First Reconciliation ( confession ) the other day . Any big accomplishment we have in this family , I feel Peter 's absence even more . I am doing my best to ride the wave , but sometimes , it 's very hard . Next week is Catholic schools week , there are a lot of events scheduled . On Monday they have the annual carnival , I 'm helping with Katie 's class by running their game . It 's usually the room mom , but I don 't think she is much help , because the teacher asked me a couple weeks ago . On Tuesday the whole school , well , except the Kindergarten class , is going roller skating . There will also be the annual student / faculty volleyball and basketball games . Thursday is the trivia game where the kids break into groups by color . Ted 's team is called , " The Red Riding Hoods " and Katie and Robbie 's team is called , " The Brown Barbie Dolls " . . . kindPosted by I was just telling Sherry the other day how hard it has become to come up with an original blog . I feel like you have heard it all before , that is why I haven 't been blogging on a regular basis . I think I need to start taking notes so when I sit down to write , I have ideas . I also need to be careful on what titles I give to my blogs . I am now receiving on a daily basis , spam from Japan on some product that has something to do with sex , yeah right ! ? ! ! I also just received a spam dealing with sleep aides because of my blog titled , " Insomnia " . . . UGH ! ! ! Most of the kids are doing well in school , Katie is doing much better now that she sees the reading specialist . Grace is having some difficulties starting to read , I work with her every night , hopefully that will do the trick . I have no complaints about Ted , he received six A 's and four B 's on his last report card . Robbie on the other hand . . . not good ! I told him if he doesn 't get those grades up he will not be involved in any sports this summer . He can do the work , he just does it in such a hurry that it 's sloppy , with unnecessary mistakes . He doesn 't want to take the time to find the answers in the book , even though they are right in front of him . Helen 's teachers have been talking to me about changing her program , they even went to check it out at another school . The head of special education came into Helen 's class one day and noticed what a challenge it was for her . She is the one who mentioned to the teachers about this other program . Well , she wanted Helen changed ASAP , and is still wondering why she hasn 't been moved yet . I told her teachers I don 't want her moved until next school year . Helen has a terrible time adjusting to change , and by the time she would maybe be used to the change , it would be time for school to let out for summer vacation . Months would be wasted on this transition , why not wait until a new year ? When explaining things to Helen it takes a lot of times before she somewhat understands , and even more times until she fully understands . I wouldPosted by Can you have a little bit of insomnia ? I don 't know , but I do know I am having problems falling asleep . Is that even considered insomnia ? Ever since Peter died , I have had times where I can 't sleep . I think I always had the issue , but when Peter was here he would talk to me and rub my neck , which relaxed me . One more reason to miss that man ! Now that it 's the end of the week , I am running on empty . I am hoping tonight I fall asleep a lot easier because of that . We have had a lot of snow today , we really haven 't had that much so far , unlike everyone else around us . The lake has been the reason for that , and also the reason for the all the snow today . We are now getting lake effect snow , which will be blowing and drifting during the night . I think the kids will have school tomorrow , no , I 'm hoping they have school . I need to run a few errands and it 's much easier doing them on my own . Nothing much to report on the kids . Robbie 's team lost all their games during the basketball tournament , they were a little bummed , but learned from it . Katie starts selling Girl Scout cookies tomorrow , YUM ! Grace is scheduled to speak with a speech therapist , just to see if she will outgrow the issues , or needs help with the pronunciation of the " R " . Ted is doing awesome in school , and Noah is starting to become more independent every day . Helen had her thyroid medicine adjusted and is doing much better with her appetite . I need to make a mental note about that , so that the next time it happens I know to get her to the doctor . Hopefully it won 't be long until I 'm asleep ! Until next time - Take Care , Sue Happy 2010 everyone ! ! I hope all of you had a happy and safe New Year 's Eve , we stayed home . We had a bunch of snack food , and made sundaes . . . YUM ! ! I 'm hoping the first few minutes of the new year are not an indication of what lies ahead . . . Toby had an accident on the hallway carpet ! It was probably all the excitement , from either it being midnight , or from the treats the kids ate ! ! It 's the start of a new decade , I 'm hoping this one will hold a whole lot of happiness , not just for me , but for my family as well . I am also hoping this is the year for It 'll Fit 'll ! ! I too have been waiting anxiously for product , Helen looked so cute in those jeans ! I don 't think she would be able to fit in them now , she has gained some weight . On Christmas Eve day I received a note from her doctor ( thyroid ) , the light went on ! ! She has had such an appetite lately , well , it 's because her medication needed adjusting . She is not getting enough synthroid , so her thyroid is out of whack . One of the signs of hypothyroidism is increased appetite , that is definitely Helen . I am hoping with the increase in her synthroid she will stop eating so much . She was getting into food she is not supposed to eat , all filled with gluten ! I have to take her for blood work in a month . I am finding more and more new gluten free products at the grocery store I shop at , it 's been wonderful . Betty Crocker has even come out with gluten free products ! I made her brownies , they taste just like the regular kind . The problem before was finding a good recipe that didn 't taste grainy , for some reason , that was hard to do . It 's good to see how far they have come with gluten free food . We are just hanging out today at home , I 've got a turkey in the oven , and I 've already made the Greek New Year 's cake . That 's the cake you put the coin in and whoever receives the slice with the coin in it , they have good luck all year long . The kid 's can 't wait ! Robbie has a basketball game tomorrow , his team has been playing in a tournament this week , tomorrow is the last game . Then itPosted by Some postings have purple text . That 's where I ask directly for feedback and opinions from you . Please share your thoughts ; they are invaluable . Thanks ! |
The firing of all the talk show people on KGO must have been instigated by the far right . The conversation was almost always very fair and the only one - sided commentator was Dr . Wattenberg ( sp ) who , I heard had been rehired . The far right must be scared that Obama will win a second term . I wish I could remember who all the companies were who advertised . I would shun them all . Except the radio out fit from Los Angeles . Luckily I remember their phone number so I can call them and tell them to stop advertise there . One day when I was young and eager to get established as a portrait painter I called Don Sherwood , the five to nine am host on KSFO , if I could come in from Contra Costa County , to paint him while he was anchored by his mike . He said yes , maybe by the urging of Herb Cain . I would drive across the Bay Bridge , scared breathless . The four young children were well taken care of by their father , there we re not too many cars on the road that early . So what made me so scared ? Where would I park ? How would I get along with Don Sherwood . If you want to find out what happened to Don 's portrait , google it , and an old , old blog should turn up and tell you the story . On my advent calendar , it was Anna 's turn with her red wrapping paper . I was mystified for at least five minutes . What could be the meaning of those two items . They were intended to be used as stoppers for a bottle who had lost his cork . I immediately went to my larder and corked my Olive Oil bottle . Thank you Anna . ( I bet she had seen my corkless bottle last time she made salad dressing . ) I woke up at one o ' clock , was still awake at three thirty , decided to get up to knit on my Christmas presents . I was strong enough to get past the Advent Calendar . Watched an old , old who - done - it and fell asleep until six . It was Jane 's turn to have a present hanging on the sixth hook . Felt like a small sort of can . It was a small can of Trader Joe 's Anchovy Filets . What a great gift . Can 't wait till five tonight to have a couple of crackers with a slice of hard boiled egg and a taste of that can with my drink . Thank you Jane . I have such sad news . My favorite radio station , KGO , has totally changed their night time programming . One reason for my insomnia . What could have happened that they fired all the oldtime people . I have listened to Ray Talgiaphero since our Diablo days . And I have admired John Rothman since he was a fill in until he became a nightly person from ten until one or two . And the wonderful woman with triplets . How will I ever sleep again with all my night time friends gone . If any reader of this blog knows what happened , please let me know . I can 't tell you how devastated this has made me . From , going to bed with a glad cry , I have become , Oh , must I . Today is my third day of opening advent presents . December first had a white paper wrapped one and I knew that was one from Martha . There were three tiny cookie cutters and if I make pepper cake cookies this year I will use them . My recipe is very complicated . You make the dough and let it rest overnight and then role it into a paper thin thing and when this dough sticks to the surface of your baking board you add more flour and then try again . When you finally succeed , there is so much flour in your cookies that they have become a dull gray - brown tough item . Steve , my son - in - law is the only one who can make them into the delicate items they are supposed to be . If he is planning to make them this year , I may send him my new cutters and ask him to make me a dozen cookies . Yesterday I opened my second present . There were two small packets of chocolate - almond spread which I tried immediately on my breakfast English muffin . Yum ! It was in a white package which I assumed was from Jane . I was wrong . It was Anna 's wrapping paper . I told the girls that they are richer than I was when making mine so long ago . I would have used the three cutters for three different days and the spread for two different days . Today , the third day , I opened a red and white striped paper one . It was so heavy that the board is now listing to starboard . ( I will put a tack under the right hand corner to keep it from listing even more in the future ) But not til I 'm sure my neighbor is awake . You may wonder what was so heavy in Jane 's package . Money . a lot of money . Beautiful shiny coins . Filled with chocolate . When I go to our local variety store there is always some of these coins near the check - out counter . But the little bag they are sold in is much smaller than this one and the money is not as shiny and new . I will buy one next time I go there . Just to compare them . Jane 's contained $ 8 . 07 . Thank you Jane . When my four children were little , I made advent calendars for all of them . First I made one board to hang on the wall in a central place . Then I attached 24 ring to which I could tie four presents each day to be opened until the 24th . Each child had a present wrapped in his own color wrapping paper . We were fairly poor at that time , so the presents were insignificant . Maybe one piece of gum or a small pencil or a candy bar . A few days before dec 24th there would be a small box of thank you notes for the four of them to use after the holidays . Sometimes there would be a small treasure fit for the individual receiver . It was fun to do each year , but the wrapping was a forever job . Four times 24 I think makes 96 and it took forever to wrap that many little packages . But when you heard one of them come shouting down the hall , saying ' Look Anna , I got a great little book about birds . Then it all seemed worth it . I told someone this autumn about the advent calendars an that someone I think was Shreve ; She told my four children about the fact that I had told her I had never received an advent calendar . And so this year , on Thanksgiving Day an Advent calendar was delivered to my place . I love it . The base had been used for Anna 's two children . On the twenty four rings that have been sewn onto the brown felt covering the board hang a present for each day . The packages are wrapped in three different kind of papers , I know that the one for dec 1 is from Martha . I am eager to wake up on Thursday so I can open it to see what may be hidden under the the white tissue paper . From where I sit it looks as though there are two to open on Dec 2 . The board it self is a wonderful Christmas decoration . There are two larger Santas . A mother Santa with a white apron , making her look as though she was interrupted while baking cookies . At the end of the line is Papa Santa , and between them are two cute little Santas . signifying Shreve and Karin . What a lot of work Anna had to do to make this for me . I will be forever happy about my first AdvPosted by I love it when Shreve talks about food . I have her cook book and I can sit and read it like a novel . It always ends up with my going into the kitchen and since I am not Gluten sensitive I will often cheat and add something she is not allowed to have . Tonight I am having the noodles with the truffle oil . I have two sections of Tony Roma 's spare ribs in the refrigerator , one of which I will heat up on my BBQ . ( A gift from one of my favorite sons - in - law ) and my dinner will consist of spare ribs , noodles with a drop of truffle oil , a green vegetable also left over from yesterday , with a few drops of Ranch dressing . For dessert I will have a whole Kiwi fruit which I cut in half and eat out of the peel , the way you eat a grapefruit , only the spoon is much smaller . It is noon now and how do I wait . Since we are talking about food , I will tell you what I had for breakfast , Coffee , one pear and one banana . For lunch I will have two thin slices of Safeway 's Artisian black olive bread with a slice of tomato and a slice of cheese . If a dietary expert reads this , what am I missing . and since I have had two worry some instances of what could be gout , is there something wrong with today 's menu ? I will google Gout and see what that 's all about . Meanwhile , Bon Apetit . This was a thinner version of my three day experience with the paper . I think I signed up for a month of weekends , but I am discontinuing the paper on Monday . The font is too small , and I will attempt to get the paper on my iPad where I can control that . But it is not the same as smelling the paper while reading . But we can 't have every thing . I feel very fortunate to have what I have . Speaking of being fortunate , my luck is in my family . All four children grew up to be sterling citizens . All seven grandchildren ditto . What more could one ask for . And now I have Martha 's success to give thanks for . She is so busy with her new book , The Plot Whisperer , and with all the work she has with Plot consultations . Our home outfit , Park View Villas , in conjunction with Port Angeles Senior Center are putting on a Gala affair tonight , called The Harvest Benefit Dinner . Our bus leaves at 3pm and we may be back in time for the third World Series game . Posted by I woke up at 5 am and opened the door for my cat to go out . There was the New York Times by my door . I made a cup of coffee and sat down with the paper . It was the Friday , Saturday and Sunday papers I had ordered . Lots of news of Qaddafi 's brutal end and a thick section about money but the rest of it I read from cover to cover . Read a critique of a book on van Gogh . Toyed with the idea of buying it but the $ 4o . oo and the state of my book shelves deterred me . At 9 . 30 I met Gilbert and Chris for breakfast downtown . Returned home and have spent the rest of the day reading our local paper ( 10 minutes ) and the rest of the NY paper . I have had a fabulous day . Now I have to tell NY to discontinue delivering my paper for the font is too small . I will read the two papers that are coming to me , hoping I won 't speed up my macular condition . Just looking at the ads gave me a thrill and I remember how much I enjoyed the paper when I lived in New York in 1938 . I did not have the money to buy the paper but by Monday when the rest of the people in the house had finished with it , it came to me , the lowest person on the totem pole . Every cent I earned , ( I think I was payed $ 60 or 70 and room and board , ) had to be set aside for my future education . I have had a great day . Yesterday another failure with my blogging . I left half of a blog when I had to rush out for an appointment . ( Actually my rushing would be better described as slow mo ) When I came home and opened up again there was a big red and yellow stripe saying we cannot continue . So now I may stop writing for fear that the computer will show the red and yellow stripe again . I am so happy to see that there are people who still remember me . Thanks for the comments . Two things I will report for everyone who is reading this . Martha , my second daughter who now lives in Santa Cruz with her husband Bobby , had a new book published and she had an event at a book store in Santa Cruz , where she was met with a full house and the books were sold out . There will be other events of this sort but when the first one is so successful , I think you have to thank the spirits out there . I have read the book and it is very inspiring and I felt I could write a best seller , but more than that I felt the last pages of the book revealed what a lovely person Martha Alderson is . I have read a book by another ' relative ' . Donna Rankin Love wrote WALKING FOR OUR LIVES . Donna is not a real relative , but about twenty years ago she was my sister - in - law . Toward the end of the 1970 - ties she and a few another hundreds of people walked from California to Washington DC on a ' get rid of nuclear arms ' plan . The book is riveting and full of adventures . But most of all , when the world was against them they tried harder and they succeeded . Martha 's book THE PLOT WHISPERER , Secrets of Story Structure Any Writer Can Master . Her book will be in any book store and on Amazon . Donna 's book on Amazon . When you are as old as I am , and people are putting roadblocks in your way , it is so easy to say ' OK , if google is going to be difficult , I give up . ' I have sat down so many times with a smashing idea for a blog , and after half an hour of arguing with google , the idea would pale off and some other job would call and so all inspiration would be gone . Today when I have absolutely no idea of what to say , it worked the first time I tried . I feel better and as soon something enters my head , I will be in touch . When Shreve wrote that there would be fewer messages from her for a while , someone commented , Maybe your grandmother could fill in for a while . Thank you for writing that . It filled me with a lot positive feelings . But I could never fill in for Shreve Around 1930 , there was a building fire North of Viken . It was a big two story house which looked as though it was made of cement . Our house on the beach , directly below the church , was close enough that we could hear all the emergency vehicles hurrying to save the burning house . It was owned by a wealthy seafarer . His wife and grown daughter were told to go to a neighbor 's house . The fire was soon taken care of and the only sign of it the next morning were black streaks sweeping out the window of the daughter 's upstairs bedroom . Nothing like this had ever happened before , during my ten or twelve years of living there . It affected my life seriously . We four children were constantly warned of the danger of fire . At Christmas time we had real candles in our tree . During the school Christmas party we danced around a giant tree festooned with hundreds of real , lit , candles . When the last Christmas party ( the 6th of January ) was held in our house all our friends were invited and we got to share the candies and cookies that had decorated the tree during the holidays . Then we grabbed the tree and danced through all the rooms , and finally opened the front door and threw the tree out in the snow . And with this we had never heard about a fire around Christmas time . Our trees were of course greener and less flammable . You may ask , why did the fire in the big house affect you so seriously . I don 't know enough about Psychology but for the rest of my life I walked around with so much guilt . I had never been in the house with the fire but never looked at the streaks of black around that window . Even after WWII when Sam and I walked around Viken I never looked in that direction . In 1960 when I showed my children where I had grown up , I never showed them the house . I think my mother had imprinted in my brain that I was So Bad . The fire must have been my fault . When I read this mornings paper , all abut Labor Day observances , here and in nearby towns , I wondered if we had something similar in Sweden . I am sure there was a day devoted to the honor of labor , but I do not remember what date it was . So refusing to get going with the daily chores , I tried to remember when I was first introduced to reading a newspaper . There were two newspapers daily in our house . The evening paper had a serial published at the very end of the paper . I remember my mother reading those to us at dinner , if they were suitable for children . Some times we tried to get a sneak view , if they were fun ones . But then the time I was excited about learning more was in 1932 . Word had come over the radio that Ivar Kreuger had committed suicide in Paris . We all knew something about him . He was called the Match king . He was handsome . We did not know that he was also a crook . A lot of the news was about his financial doings which was not understandable for me . I was 12 years old at the time . I think the Swedish papers were trying to white wash the story about him . I think people looked on him as another Alfred Nobel . It is always hard when a hero is discovered to have dirty feet . I looked up Kreuger 's name on Google and my gosh , there are acres of stories about him . So now it is high noon and I have managed to spend the whole morning on the Match King . I heard somewhere long ago that if it had not been for Ivar Kreuger there might not have been such a serious crash in the late 1920ies . Much , much earlier you may remember that I wrote about Jack How . He was married to Sam 's cousin Jane . He was a strange person . During the few years I knew him , he hit bottom and he soared to soaring heights . At first when I came to California , he was in the Navy serving at Oakland Knoll Hospital or maybe some other base near by , for he often he came home to spend the night . He was very amusing and could hold an audience breathless for hours . Suddenly he inherited $ 40 . 000 . And suddenly he was driving a secondhand blue convertible and drinking nothing but French champagne . He claimed he was allergic to whiskey and gin drinks . It did not last long for Jane decided they had to pay bills , and just as suddenly as the money arrived , just as suddenly the money was gone . And so was his allergy . When the war was over he found a job in a chemical company . I forget the name , but I think a plant was located near the Sacramento river somewhere in Contra Costa County . I imagine he was in sales for he was a spellbinder . In a few years he was working for that same company , but in their Wall Street office in New York City . Many years later Sam and I had reason to go to New York . While there we called Jack and he said : " Lets have lunch " I said : " Where ? " " How about the Twin Towers . We met on the ground floor and when Jack came he took us up to the fanciest restaurant for the most elegant lunch I still remember in detail . Being in that building was an adventure , enjoying the fabulous view I will never forget . Jack died a few years later and I am happy he did not have to die in the inferno that occurred ten years ago . We are all tired of hearing the word HURRICANE , I know . And the people living with IRENE are much more tired of her than we are . But know that we are hoping and praying for you and that your losses will be minor . I began thinking of this as a blog when I heard one news caster saying that New York had never before suffered any loss of life from a Hurricane . Then another such person came on and discussed the 1954 where the losses were minimal . Still nothing said about the huge one that hit Long Island in 1938 . This is Sunday afternoon and finally 1938 was mentioned and the huge losses in lives and property on Long Island . A passenger Liner named KUNGSHOLM was approaching New York from Sweden . Suddenly we met enormous waves and most of the passengers hurried to their staterooms to be sick . That night in the dining room things were difficult . Food kept sliding from the plates and some things ended up on the floor . I was booked for a berth on a very low level of the ship and if the year had been a little earlier it would have been called STEERAGE . My room was tiny and I had two or three room mates . After dark I went to my room , opened the door , and closed it again for the smell was atrocious . I went farther up on the ship than we bottom dwellers were supposed to go . No one cared so I found a comfortable corner to sit and contemplate the people who were still up and around . It was entertaining but I went to sleep and no one bothered me . Around five in the morning I woke up and began climbing stairs . I needed fresh air and on a very upper deck I found a quiet place to sit and watch the waves that were breaking over the super structure of the ship . A very tall woman approached me . She stood in front of me and when she began speaking to me she put on foot on the seat next to me . She was amazingly steady . She spoke English with a very pronounced Swedish accent . Most of the short interlude was where are you from , where are you going , what do you , plan to do in America etc . It was Greta Garbo . She had been drenched by waves in her walk , the hair that had crept out from under her scarf tied around her head was a mess , but she was gorgeous none the less . Nothing could ever change her large eyes or her classic profile . When she left I wePosted by You scoffedi think it is high time that you know the the situation of our lives at the time you were born . there is no shame in having been poor . We made it , and if you felt that we were well off , I will take that as a compliment . Sam did not make much money until he became a partner in Lenoir Assoc . and then we moved to Laguna Beach . We bought the house in Diablo a couple of months before Jane was born , We got Mr . Imrie down from 25 . 500 to 22 . 000 . Even that was more than we could afford . We lived even more on the edge of disaster than we did when you were able to remember . I wish we had saved Sam 's little black book so you could see for yourself . Sam was the one who hired our cleaning woman when we lived in Burlingame . We had three children under four and I was very pregnant with Jane . You may say ' what poor planning ' but we had been foiled by you for five years and as you know that clock keeps running . Life would have been sad if Jane had not put in her grand entrance a month after your fourth Birthday . ( It just dawned on me that you are having your 64th birthday any day now ) As it was , we had to be satisfied with four children for I was disconnected for medical reasons at the time of Jane 's birth . You thought I was nothing but a house wife sitting around eating bon bons all day . Far from the truth . I canned 365 qts of fruit every year when you all ate some kind of baby cerial . And we usually paid nothing for the fruit , for I watched when people had fruit trees and did not save their crop . The only fruit I paid for was apricots and I would have to drive up the Sacramento Valley to get a lug of those . I remember my brother Gunne was at our house and when he saw the kitchen as I was peeling fruit , processing it it in the blender and then canning it in the huge blue pot he said ' This is not a kitchen . It is a laboratory . I did not have to do apricots , for apples were always free , but apricots were your favorite so I tried to have 52 quarts of those each year . When Anna was born we did not have a dryer and we had two chPosted by I tried to remember if I ever saw fire works in Sweden . The only thing of that sort were the big fires we lit on the beach below our house . It was mostly done on the evening before the first of May . Walborgsmassoafton , it was called . But I think it was permitted on Midsummernightsafton also . There would be lots of singing and occasionally dancing . But most often the dance was held in our park , around the Maypole . Midsummer is the 24 of June and yet the pole is called the May pole . But if we wanted to see real fire works we would have to go to Kopenhagen . Tivoli gardens were always fun . Sometimes that got very expensive . One time I had my four children with me and when our trip on the train came into the place to exit the train my cildren had heard that once you were a paid customer you could ride around on the train as many times as you wished . I told them to follow me off , but as I turned around they stayed on the train , and then waved to me every time they circled again . I finally found out that they couldn 't get off till they paid for all the extra rides . I said you will find me back at our hotel . Good luck ! They all cried ' we have no money ' Then you have to have more than good luck . They were more co - operative after that . Another thing happened on that trip to Kopenhamn . I told them that we would go to a John Wayne movie . It was shown on the same street where our hotel was . So we decided to walk . And we walked and walked . Block after block . I was so tired from a long day of sight seeing . But we went on and on . When we got to the theatre we found out it was barn forbjudet . No children allowed . There was violence shown and children couldn 't see violence . I wonder if I could have taken them to a movie with a little nudity shown . Live and learn . But nothing compares with the fire works on July Fourth in America . It is stirring and everyone loves them . But they are war like . Yesterday I had the best July 4 in memory . The day was warm and sunny . At 6am I watered my tomato plants and my geraniums , swept my front porch and then sat down to read the book I got from the library . Martha advised me to read it to do away with the pains in my left knee . The title by Louise Hay is YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE . The gist of what I have read so far is that you are supposed to look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself YOU ARE OK . Not listen to the voice from the past that repeats what you heard ages ago saying , YOU ARE BAD , YOU ARE NO GOOD etc . There is much more to try to learn and to remember . By forgiving yourself , you will be forgiving the ones who might have hurt you . And your body will stop hurting . All this is too simplified and I am eager to get back to the book to learn more . But I tried it this morning . I told myself I am OK . Not You talked too much last night . You should not have monopolized the time of those young people from Colorado . Normally there is guilt . This morning there was bliss . I had a wonderful time at Edna 's and Butch 's house last night . The food was delicious and the company was outstanding and the fireworks loud and beautiful . But every year I try to count how many children could have been fed from the cost of that single thriller . Not festive of me , I know . So this year , two dogs and three young people and I stayed inside while the ' rockets blared ' . And then Edna had another surprise . She had made Palomas . Egg white and sugar , whipped into a stiff mass , baked . Then strawberries and blueberries and whipped cream . What a finale . My conscience bothered me , for I had left Edgar , my cat , at home and he was scared from all the noise from the street . I had left the TV on to make him feel less lonesome . And then I let him sleep behind my knees . We got along all night . And I am OK . Edna and Butch , how can I thank you ? You made me so happy . Thank you . Marm , how nice to hear from you . I have tried to get in touch with you a couple of times . I called John to get your phone number , wrote it down in my address book . Have called you many times . Either I wrote the number down incorrectly or I called you when you were visiting somewhere in never never land . You have no idea of how much I miss you and your parents . How did you happen to find me ? How much of my blogs have you read ? If you went far back you must know all about where my children are and what they are doing . Anna and Jane are in your area at the moment visiting Martha at Santa Cruz . Gilbert and Chris were here for dinner tonight to play Bridge with one of my neighbors . We played bridge on the dinner table and now near midnight I decided to return the computer to its normal place , the end of the table . Then I thought to look to see if there were any messages and when I saw the name Marm I said ' Please let it be Marm . Getting it plugged in properly I had time to think . there could be more than one Marm . But it was the right one . I won 't be able to sleep tonight . There are so many memories to sift through before I can go to sleep . I am in the phone book and I would so love to talk to you . To all my blog friends , it is unfair to get in touch with this wonderful friend this way . I will blog about our past and you too will get to know ' our past history ' My day began at 5am , a visit to my eye doctor at 8 . 30 . I have worn the same glasses since 2003 . Had wonderful news , she said my macular degeneration is the slowest she has ever seen . One eye had improved since she last checked me . So I lived most of the day in a cloud because of having my eyes dilated . I know my eyes were gorgeous because of the enlarged pupils but I could ' nt see them . Still had trouble seeing the cards when we played bridge for it was difficult telling the difference between the red and the black cards . Gilbert was my partner and we won the first rubber and Chris who is such a good player , and her partner won the second rubber . Marm , did you everPosted by Yesterday I drove to a nursery near the airport to buy 12 red geraniums . Why 12 ? All 12 would fit in a box I could manage when I got back home . I parked on the street , level with my place . If I had parked in my garage , I would have been forced to make the 7 stairsteps to my level . Probably would have ruined my flimsy shopping cart . Then I walked to my place to get my walker . I felt the seat in said walker would hold the box . It worked . Each pot , which held a primrose was emptied and now holds a red or pink geranium . It looks elegant . Several times during the afternoon I went out to admire the change from late spring to early summer . And when I was ready for a long rest in my recliner four of my favorite ' inmates ' strolled up to see the change . While we were there Ohing and Awing up walked the gardener to manipulate the automatic watering system . Rain has been sufficient until now . At five this morning the system worked perfectly . My favorite baseball team , the Seattle Mariners , are in full force trying to be the team standing in first place when October rolls around . They are having their ups and downs , but it is not impossible to think of them as the winners . Meanwhile we have so many hours watching TV hoping and praying . June 29 a bus from here will take a small number of us to watch a game . Posted by Sunday I was working on a project when the phone rang . It was one of my favorite granddaughters . We had a long chat and through much questioning out came a piece of news that I think should be shared by all her friends . I know she will never tell people . And so I will ask her if I may leak the news . This granddaughter has gone through a rigorous series of classes , both mentally and physically draining . She finally told me that her written report had the highest grade ever given in her state . Or her test results were graded the highest ever in the state . She will have to correct what I reported . It was so thrilling to hear and I know all of you will agree with me , now that she will have to come ' out ' and correct me . Hope you will forgive me , dear granddaughter Every time I fail I take several steps backward . and I have failed so many times in the last two months . Several times my failures were involved with the computer . My worst one was trying to get into a relationship with a hypnotist . Once people or machines say ' you are so stupid ' or ' you are a hopeless case ' I draw back into my shell and say ' OK , I don 't need this and I will go back to my security blanket and I will spend hours and hours on my idiotic knitting or embroidery or occasionally reading . I wrote a blog entitled ' There are angels among us . ' And my computer refused to send it . Some day I will tell you what had inspired me but the scar of the computer refusing it still hurts too much . And then I finally worked up enough nerve to try contacting a hypnotist . I have thought about for months and then I called . A very friendly voice said ' I am with a client , but can I call you back . I w . ill call you within five minutes . ' Again she said ' it will be less than five minutes . ' She never called . I called two or three hours later to see what happened and there was no response . Why do you think I need a hypnotist ? I just wanted to know if it might help with hyperextending my knees , improving my posture , walking straighter . If she had told me to go to a physical therapist instead , I would have been satisfied . A friend brought me a DVD of the Swedish Larsson film and yesterday I tried to see it but the mechanics defeated me . I will try again . I will try to blog even when I feel defeated by these enemies . I regularly feel very happy and I love my life here . I have planted two ' Upsi Daisy ' tomatoes and a wonderful red flower that Amber gave me . That flower raised my spirits by yards . It is doing well by my front door . I don 't know if you remember a very early blog talking about sweet peas . It happened about 1924 or 1925 . We were having a huge party in the spring or very early summer . Relatives and good friends were coming . I was sick and had a high temperature . I tried to stick it out but finally my mother said I had to go to bed . As she tucked me in I said , please save my portion of the peas for me . She promised . I have to tell you what kind of peas were served at the meal I missed . Every time we had guests , canned peas were served . The can was as big as a small can of tuna fish . No matter how many people were sitting around the table , peas were served . The peas were American and they were extremely expensive . I went to sleep happy in the promise I would get my share of peas . When I woke , with no temp . I asked about my peas . There were no left overs . This morning I read the Wednesday food section and I read bout a dip that could be made with an avocado and garlic and hot peppers and frozen peas . this evening I made it and I finally had my portion of sweet peas . The recipie used a whole package of frozen sweet peas . All alone , with a drink of Rye Whiskey and sweet Vermouth and huge plateful of this dip . I ate my fill of sweet peas and I hope I never run into another package of sweet peas . This took about 85 years . The girls stayed almost a week . Never have we had a better visit . I will describe our living quarters . Each building has four cottages . Mine is titled C . I think the one next to mine is D . If you walk around the building you come to A and B . The girls were lucky enough to be able to rent A . Only because it was between renters . There was nothing in the rooms except three blow up kind of mattresses made up with bedclothes and pillows and towels in the bathroom . They were so happy to be so close . And so was I . On Friday , I think , my phone rang at 2am . It was one of the husbands calling about the Japanese Earthquake . Since their home is near the beach in Northern California , he was feeling uneasy about the Tsunami . I put on my wooden shoes and my robe and walked around the corner to tell Martha to turn on her phone . Couldn 't have done that if they all had resided in the apartments in the big buildings . The Tsunami came in as a little bigger wave than normal , and with many , many surfers waiting for the big one . Many yacht harbors not far from Santa Cruiz had lots of destruction . All who read this would fell better if they sent at least $ 10 to the American Red Cross for help for the Japanese . Sunday all of us went to the Port Angeles Library to hear Jonathan Evison read parts of his new book . Since it deals with Port Angeles and the Elwah River and the dams , built in 1880ies and now the removal of the dams in 2011 or 12 , the room was filled to the brim with interested people . I have given my book away but I think it is called West Of Here . I loved it . Our next outing dealt with visiting the Dams . We drove and drove up a winding road , often with quite a lot of snow bordering the road which was very muddy . Finally we arrived and the girls had to investigate everything except the actual machinery . I have it on good reporting that one of my daughters crawled under a fence and hung over the edge to get a better picture of how far it was to the bottom . Glad I didn 't know it at the time . Saturday we had invited friends for cockPosted by Yesterday my three daughters and I met for lunch at the Dockside Grill at John Wayne Marina in Sequim . I arrived first after driving from Port Angeles . And minutes later the three ' girls ' arrived . We had a long , delicious lunch . Best of all was our involvement with our waitress , Emily , who , working with her parents and her brother , kept us entertained through the longer than usual lunch ' hour ' . The food was interesting and exquisitely blended , and Emily even made us order a dessert that consisted of chocolate , chocolate cookie base , peanut butter , and whipped cream . It was a wonderful dessert , I mean it was one wonderful desert and four spoons . I am writing this blog to make sure that Emily 's father knows what an asset his daughter is to his business . More blogging after my daughters leave , a day I am not looking forward to . This morning Dear Abby used the expression above . And I thought HOW TRUE . Every time I go out into town I meet several of the angels . Yesterday I went for breakfast at Mac Donald 's . For the first time in my long life I had an Egg Mac Muffin . It was delicious and I will return for more . I also think the coffee was better than I get at home . I met the first angel of the day . As I was parking and getting out of the car , I saw a woman standing at a counter eating her breakfast , looking out the window . I struggled as usual to get into a standing position , got my cane , and then had my usual problem , one I have had since childhood , which door do I go into . The woman eating by the window must have seen me for she was at the first door , opened it for me and made me feel so welcome . If Abby had written about the angels among us yesterday I would have told her she was my angel . I felt so much more at ease after experiencing her welcome . And so my resolve is to tell people how important their helpful acts are . Posted by I was sitting here reading Martha Alderson 's latest news in her iZine . She was talking about the Front story and the Back story . I do not always understand everything I read but to me this was a huge revelation . In your writing you don 't have to tell the back story as long as you yourself understand how it is affecting you . My whole life has been affected by the abuse I suffered ass a child . I remember all the times my mother would tell her friends that she had wished to have two children . That her life was perfect until she became pregnant with me . How she had tried to lose the baby by following advice from people who knew things like that . Every minute detail seared itself into my memory . Suddenly I realized how important all those little snippets of gossip affected me , but the actual abuse , the physical abuse has had little effect on me . I was beaten with a rug beater on my bare back and behind so I could not go swimming at the beach because of welts and bruises . My hair was pulled so that huge sections of my scalp was exposed until new hair grew in . When punishment was meted out my mother wanted to see me cry . I would grit my teeth and swear I would not give her that satisfaction . And so my beatings became longer and longer . Not very smart of me . And now I am interested in realizing that the physical abuse never comes to mind , whereas the mind games are with me on a daily basis . Once I wrote a short story about my mother and her tribulations , and I felt I forgave her for what she did to me . But there are still scars somewhere in my mind . Posted by You may wonder why I am so sporadic with the blog . Just now I am trying to develop a project to work on during the Baseball season . I can 't stand to sit and just watch . I must have my hands occupied . So I will tell you what I am hoping to create . I have a fairly large chest of drawers filled to overflowing with small amounts of yardage , used for Quilting and used in my Fake it in Fabrics . I want to see if I can use them in making a 6x4 rug for in front of the love seat . I am cutting , on the bias , pieces as long as possible and two inches wide . Then I sew them together . After that I iron them so they are two inches wide . And then I make them into 1 / 4 inches . Folding the raw edges into the mid line . In a sense I now have hundreds of yards of bias tape . I have enough to now try to braid them together and then to eventually sew the braids together in an oval rug . It has been done using yarn or heavy wool materials . My little stiff things may not lend themselves to a soft yielding oval . I now have enough material to test , If it works I will have the most colorful rug in the world . Wish me luck , please . I had an interesting time this morning , or last night to be exact . I always listen to KGO from San Francisco at night when I am awake . At two Ray Taliafero ( sp ) came on and talked about how small our world is getting what with our instant knowledge of what happens in every corner of the Earth . And what could be the next big step in our abilities . He said please call in if you feel you are on the edge of something gigantic . And he waxed so yearning to know what might be next . I decided to call in . It took an hour to get anyone to answer the phone . And then it seemed to take another hour hanging on to the phone . Finally it was my turn . I told him I loved the beginning of the program , when he was musing about what might come next . And then I asked if it would be correct to call him Prehistoric . He got a big chuckle out of that . Then I told him about my historic grandfather who was born in 1838 . In 1928 he sat in our kitchen , Posted by In between the raindrops I managed another training session . I wanted to find a better route to the restaurant on C street . The most logical way is the shortest , but the alley is out . For the winter anyway . So I tried 9th street . Direct and straight . One problem . No sidewalks . But I found out that , that does not matter for there was no traffic and walking on the street was safe . A few dogs gave me loud greetings , but they were all fenced in . I met one woman walking in the opposite direction and that was pleasant . We stopped and chatted for a moment and since I had walked up a mild hill for two blocks , it slowed down my breathing . Until the very last block I saw no cars , one woman and on top of the hill I had full view of our gorgeous Olympic mountains . I parked my walker outside the the door again and when I sat down at ' my table ' it felt great to sit down and the smell was promising . It smelled of pancakes and waffles and sausages . All the breakfast customers had left and I was the only hungry one there . Met by a welcoming woman who looked like she might be the owner of the place . There was a special offered and I accepted . While waiting for my waffle I leafed through a magazine and then a young couple walked in and asked if they were in time for breakfast . They sat down at the opposite side of the place . I was engrossed then , in either my magazine or my waffle when I heard ' Gertrud ' . I was startled and looked around and there was no one new in the place . The young woman then said ' I am sorry . I thought you were a woman I used to know whose name was Gertrud . ' My name is Gertrud . But I don 't . . . . She said ' my name is Sarah . You once helped me make a cat . ' At one time , maybe twenty years earlier , Sam had been in a play in Sequim . It was the ODD COUPLE . He and Sarah 's father were two of the four poker players and Sam had felt the four of them needed extra rehearsal time and had invited them to our house on a Saturday morning . One of them brought his daughter , who was probably five or six . I wanted her to be happy Posted by This morning I decided I had been dawdling in inactivity too long for my health . I checked the weather to see if I should wear sunglasses or a hat to protect my eyes . Should I wear something warm ? It seemed like a mild day and nothing is worse than being over - dressed and perspiring . I had made the resolution to walk down to C Street to eat breakfast . I would walk with my walker , for the route I had chosen was very uneven footwise . I would walk the alley between 8th and 9th street . I live on 8th and G street . My progress was slow , for the ruts were a sign of a wet long winter . I had chosen the alley because of a memory driving that way soon after having moved here . The alley was green because of over hanging trees , and there were flowers blooming everywhere . But today there was no beauty in the alley . There were dead blackberry bushes , there were fences falling down , there were garbage cans overflowing with merchandise . Some of them that had lids that couldn 't close , had been raided by crows or sea gulls . And after having gone a block and a half , it began raining . It was a mild rain , big drops but not too many of them . In the restaurant , a nice homey clean one , I was too late for breakfast . So I ordered Fish and Chips . Everything tasted great . The salad was especially good . It took probably an hour and when my meal was finished and I had paid my bill I had a rude awakening . The rain that had been mild had turned very serious . By the time I got home , I was soaked to the skin . When I later spoke with Martha , she said Mom just because you feel you need exercise you don 't have to train for the Olympics I hate to talk about food for the thought of food is fattening . But our newspaper had a wonderful page about food yesterday . As soon as I read it I hurried to get dressed , made my shopping list , and drove down to our local Safeway . I needed beans and molasses and a small ham hock . And a spicy Mexican sounding sausage for tomorrows experiments . Which again calls for beans . Luckily we are having another cold snap and beans and beer and cornbread are perfect for that kind of weather . Naturally , I cooked too much and gave some to a couple of neighbors . And when I finished my bean dinner , there was enough left over for two more dinners for me . So I will save the mexican sounding sausage for later , hoping I will get to eat that before it gets too warm . This morning , after I poured out the over night rinse water I put the pot on to boil and after I finished reading the paper it smelled so good I poured myself a large bowl of what one would have to call bean soup . It was very liquid and very good . I don 't think I have ever had beans twice in one day . After the beans had baked in the oven , I chopped the green kale leaves and added them to the pot . It made me remember when I was a child in Sweden and we four siblings were playing down at the beach . An uncle had salvaged the wood of a sailing ship that had hit a reef and sank . It was not a sailboat for the rich , but a fairly meaningful ship that carried freight through the straight of Oresund . We played in this mountain of large timbers , carried out some internal pieces so we could pretend the hole we made , was our living room . Naturally we got hungry and so we invented a new kind of sandwich . We took large kale leaves in our garden , spread what we pretended was butter on them ( it was chicken mash we stole out of grandmother 's hen - house ) and then put pretend jam on that ( red hawthorn berries ) It was a wonder we did not get sick or squashed while this game was going on . Then my older brother who pretended to be the man of the house , took us for a walk and when reached our goal Posted by Uncle Fred asked the above question and so I will try to describe the way Georgia fashioned hers . When it was held in their roomy house , when we were neighbors , it was different than last nights party . I will tell of the first ones first . The people who came from far away had a problem as soon as they arrived . There was no parking place available , the streets were too narrow to park there . We who lived on the same street would walk up the hill . We would tell anyone we saw to park in our driveway , and since Georgia had invited the neighborhood , everyone else on the hill would help them out too . We would knock on the front door and since no one could hear upstairs we would walk in and hang up our coats below . They had a huge living room and if it was your first time there , you were told to go straight ahead and help yourself to wine and cheese and crackers . When the word came that the soup course was ready , you would walk out in the kitchen , where on the square island in the center were placed eight or ten crock pots ( or as some people called them ' slow cookers ' ) All of them were labeled and you were told you had to have some of each . There was home made bread and butter . ( baked by Mitch ) It would take ages to taste all those soups and when you had found a favorite one , you would have to have another little taste . All the soups were made by Georgia or Mitch . When you were too full to eat another crumb , dessert and coffee was served . Again you would have to serve yourself . On a table in the corner was the large electric coffee maker and many many cookies . They had so many friends that they would have to have at least one more party . We did not know the square dancers so we always hoped to be included with neighbors or bridge players . And then the M . s house was sold and they moved to the townhouses at the Golf Club . A loss for the people at Four Seasons . Last nights party was fun and the soups were good and the birthday cake was beautiful . But the staff at the Golf Club , who made the soups were not up to Georgia 's standaPosted by When Sam and I moved to Port Angeles we were invited to a soup party up the hill from us . We did not know the people who invited us . But we went . It was a fantastic party . Our whole neighborhood was there and many strangers . Our hosts were big in a church downtown , they were big in square dancing circles and they were big in bridge clubs but most of all , he had been Commanding Officer in our Coast Guard Station . They had a soup party ( or two ) every year after that and it was something we really looked forward to . Tonight I am going to a Soup Party at the Golf Club . It is celebrating Georgia 's ninetieth birthday . I think there will be many people over ninety . I will let you know in my next blog how many . Yesterday I wrote a blog , and then was totally amazed by the comments coming in . Most of them from old friends whose names I recognized . Even the Anonymous were old friends . I will publish a picture when the pillow comes back from the upholsterer . Carol told of learning the tvist in Japan when she was a child . An Anonymous described perfectly what the tvist is . I call it a one and a half cross stitch . If you are interested in how I got these old old kits with the pattern and the yarn ( wool ) I will tell you . When Jane , one of my favorite daughters , was about to get married , she wanted to go to Sweden to see if she could buy her wedding dress there . She pleaded with me to go along with her . I tried to tell her to go alone and for her to kick up her heels and have a huge fling before getting married . Nothing doing . She wanted me for extra security . When the plane landed in Copenhagen Ingegerd Dolling picked us up and on the ferry from Helsingor ( where Hamlet used to hang around ) to Helsingborg , Ingegerd told us that my mother was in the hospital in Helsingborg and we should go to see her when the ferry landed in Sweden . My mother had some kind of heart trouble . When we got to see her , she seemed happy to see Jane and asked her what she was going to do . When she heard she was looking for a wedding dress my mother said ' You can have mine ' I never knew she had a wedding dress . We had never seen a picture of her in a wedding dress . So out came the sad story of how my parents were married . You may remember that they had met in New York where my mother was working as a Nanny . My father was the Captain on a Swedish freighter unloading in the harbor . He was visiting a brother of who lived on Long Island . Nils and Blenda fell in love , he proposed marriage a year later , she said if you feel the same a year from now , I will say yes . So a year later they were engaged and then Blenda needed another year to get her trousou ( sp ) ready . She went back to Sweden and sewed her own wedding dress . In 1914 when War broke out between GermPosted by I was told by Blogher that it has been more than a month since my last blog . Which means I need to get back to writing . I have spent a whole month embroidering a pillow . Not good for my eyes . The pillow is Swedish , done in a stitch called tvist . It is so much fun to work on . Difficult to go to bed at a decent time but fun to get up in the morning . You tell yourself that you will just finish this corner , and hours later there is just one more corner to be done . It is fabulous looking , now that it is finished . I will take it to the best upholsterer to have it made into living room , love seat kind of pillow . There is only one problem . I have already begun another one . It is bigger than the first one . With nine stylized tulips in the center . Today is my ninety first birthday . I was given a new chair that is going to get me up and walking more often . I love it , and I love my four children who gave it to me . I tried out lots of chairs in the furniture store and settled on a beautiful blue covered one , which has all the functions that I will need in the near future . I will try to find a hypnotist who can help me with my deteriorating posture . that will be my gift to myself . And I will walk more this next year . And I will blog everyday before I pick my embroidering needle . Birthday cards have arrived in bunches , and this morning I opened them . They are so beautiful and have such wonderful messages , I had to dry my damp face before beginning this blog . I feel so rich . Rich in the love that surrounds me . And for that I am truly thankful |
My name is Sisla , and I am a dog . You are probably wondering how I can be writing this if I am a dog . In fact , I am no ordinary dog , for my master is an elf , named Bardin . He has taught me to speak in the languages of animals and fairies ( just yesterday I finished learning the language of humans ) and he has magic paper that will write down whatever is said to it . That is how I am writing this . Even though humans do not often meet the people of fairyland , it does happen sometimes . Not all the ones here are friendly , and I am writing this just in case a human may one day face the same danger that we faced that time last summer . I 'll tell you how we survived , so that you may know what to do should it ever happen to you ! I 'll begin by telling you about Bardin the Elf and me . I started out as a normal little dog . I was abandoned as a little puppy . My first owners were mean . My mother had a litter of puppies , and they only wanted to keep the prettiest , so that left me out ! I am not a pretty dog at all . They tied me up in a bag and dumped me in the woods , and left me there to die . I almost did die , but then Bardin found me . He took me home , and took care of me . His cat helped too , my friend Firl . Firl is a pretty little cat ( much prettier than I am ) , and we 're best friends . And because we 've been taught by an elf , we can talk to each other . Firl and I are both very small ; I 'm not even quite as big as Bardin ! Elves are much smaller than humans , remember . Bardin , who is pretty big for an elf , would hardly be as tall as your knees ! He looks something like a young human boy , but his ears are pointed and are as high as his head , and his hair is long and blue . His clothes are made of mint . He 's always very nice to Firl and me . We all live in a house in the inside of a giant , hollow tree . It 's like a real home , with furniture and pictures on the wall , and even a little kitchen where Bardin can bake his muffins . The tree is magic . It protects us from anyone who might try to come after us . And it grows wonderful fruit , a different kind each month . This month , it 's growing giant cherries . The trouble all started with a human girl . The woods where we live are so far away from everything that we hardly ever see a human anywhere around here . But there was a family out camping where they shouldn 't have been . I stopped and listened . Firl 's ears are a little better than mine , but I could hear it too . No doubt about it , there was a human coming ! It 's easy to tell a human 's footsteps , and we could tell they were coming this way ! It 's not that we hate children . We like all humans , that 's why it 's important to keep them away . The tree 's magic can kill them . I found her picking flowers . Before she saw me , I crept up and started barking , to try and scare her away . She jumped , but when she saw me , she started talking to me ! I kept barking , but she thought I was just trying to play . She was very nice ; I wanted to play with her , but that would put her in danger from the magic tree . I stopped barking , and started growling and showing my teeth . Now she did get the idea , and backed up away from me . I growled louder , and looked as mean as I could , and came toward her . She ran away from me . But she ran the wrong way ! She ran right toward the magic tree ! I tried to run around her , and chase her the other way , away from it . But she was faster than me . She got to the magic tree , and before I could do anything the poor little girl started climbing up the magic tree ! Bardin came running out of the tree . " What 's wrong ? " he asked . Before we could answer , he heard the little girl crying , and he looked up and saw her in the tree . Then we could see why . Her arms were getting longer and longer . They were turning brown . A leaf came out of her right elbow . Her arms were turning into branches . She was turning into part of the tree ! I couldn 't believe it . " A troll ! " I said . " But you said never , never go near a troll , because they are evil ! " We could go no farther . Outside the door , was the troll 's pet cockatrice . It looks a little like a snake or a lizard , but with a sharp beak and claws . It was almost twice as big as Bardin . They are big , strong , and very mean and cruel things , and being a troll 's pet would make one even meaner . They are so awful , some people think that they can kill somebody just by looking at him ! It roared when it saw us . " He must keep it there to guard his house , " Bardin said to Firl and me . It did a good job ! The troll came lumbering out , with a big grin . He was so ugly , I could hardly look at him . He wore a heavy coat , even though it was warm out , and it was moldy and rotted . He was a little shorter than Bardin , but very fat . His face was wrinkled and swollen . The cockatrice snapped at the troll as he came out . The troll turned and kicked his pet , again and again . " Stupid , ugly thing ! " he shouted at the cockatrice . Then he punched it so hard it fell over . The cockatrice was crying . I even felt a little sorry for the monster . " A little girl is in our magic tree , and it is killing her . We need you to get her out , before she dies . I don 't have much gold , but I 'll give you all I have if you will save her . " Bardin led him back to the tree . He was scared , I could tell . We all knew that troll was up to something , but we didn 't know what ! But what could we do , but lead him back to the tree ? Bardin was almost running , to get to the girl before it was too late . Just before we got there , I noticed that the troll 's pet cockatrice was running along with us too . Its chain was hooked onto the troll 's belt . I wondered why the cockatrice was coming too . I was worried about that ! The girl 's feet were gone ! Her legs were wood too now . They were already part of the tree . Her legs were like branches , coming out of the tree . Her arms had grown very long , and were covered with leaves . But it still wasn 't too late ! Her head was still there . Her eyes were closed , and she was crying . The troll hit the side of the tree . Then he gave it a punch , so hard that some of the bark fell off . He kept hitting it , until the branches were shaking . The girl smiled when she saw me . But then she looked over and saw the troll grin at her , and she got scared and screamed . She tried to get up , but fell back down again . I went up to show her I was friendly . I almost didn 't see the troll 's cockatrice snap at me ! It would have gotten me , if Firl hadn 't knocked me out of the way . Cockatrices like dog and cat meat . They also like to eat human beings . I wonder if that was the cockatrice we heard about , that got that little baby boy last year . " Pardon me ! " the troll said , and he tugged on the cockatrice 's chain and choked it . He kept jerking it , and making the cockatrice gag and choke . The troll thought it was funny . He kept it up , until the cockatrice was lying on the ground , crying . The the troll went back to looking at the tree , dragging his cockatrice along the ground behind him . The troll looked at her , with a look that scared her very much . " Me , mean ? Oh no , not at all . You don 't want my creature to eat nice Mr . Elf 's cute little dog and cat now do you ? I was just being nice , just like I saved you just to be nice . " The girl smiled when he said that . The girl stopped smiling when the troll added , " Now , it 's your turn to be nice ! And your nice deed will be to give me your magic tree ! " " Aw , " the troll said , " Isn 't that too bad ! But it does make it even nicer of you to give it to me like you have done . Thank you most deeply . You are so kind . " There were sounds of breaking glass and pots from inside the tree . " He 's breaking my kitchen , " Bardin said . Then he called , " Please , troll , at least let me have my things from inside the tree ! Everything I have in the world is in there . " The girl tried to get to the door , and get the cockatrice . The cockatrice was only about half as big as she was . But the cockatrice was very fast , and does eat people . I ran away just in time to get away from the cockatrice . It was really mad now ! It had just lost its lunch ( the little girl ) and dessert ( me ) . It tried to pull off its chain to get us . " I 'd like to come too , " the girl said . " This is all my fault , and I 'm so sorry . Maybe I can do something to help . " We all went back to where we had found the troll . We went inside . The girl had to crawl in because it was too small for her to stand up inside . We were careful to walk on the dirt and garbage on the floor . There were places where there was black , slimy stuff on the floor , that really smelled bad . We didn 't know what it was , and didn 't want to get any of it on us , so we were careful not to step in that . " I think he made it look like this on purpose ! " Bardin said . " I think he set up all those bugs in the webs . I bet he even brought in that stinky black gunk to put all over his floor . " " Does your cat talk to you ? " the girl asked when she saw Bardin answer Firl . She doesn 't know much about elves ! I wished I could talk to her , but at least I knew what she was saying . " I know , " he said to me . " But I don 't know how to get our home back yet . Let 's try to think of something . " " Will we ever get our magic tree back ? " Firl asked . I went over to Firl and rubbed against her . " We 've got to , " I said . " Not against a troll ! " he answered . " It would be like trying to send a paper airplane all the way to the moon . Magic couldn 't even get near him . " " The last time you tried that , it almost ate you up ! " Bardin said . I think he was getting mad at her . It was her fault we were in this mess , and she 's thinking she can beat the troll ! " She 's only trying to help , " I said to Bardin . Even though it was her fault , I didn 't think Bardin should be mad at her for wanting to help . Zim ! I had heard of her before . She 's a mean and scary fairy , but they say she is good . But the stories I 've heard about her were all so scary , I never wanted to meet her ! I 've had nightmares about the Dreaded Zim and her Hot Arrows , flying on the back of her bee . I hoped we could get back our Magic Tree without having to get help from her . " I can 't stand this smell any more ! " the human girl said . " I 'm going outside to get some air . " And she hurried out of the troll house . Bardin thought about it for a minute . " I never thought about that before . I have no idea what kept the troll from taking our tree before now ! Maybe if we knew that , we 'd know a way to get rid of the troll now . " " We 've got to stop her , " Bardin said . We all started running at once to the Magic Tree . " I don 't think I mentioned to her that the bite of a troll has poison . " We were too late ! When we reached the Magic Tree , she was already fighting with the troll . She was staying far enough away from the cockatrice that it couldn 't reach her . She had been throwing stones into the Magic Tree , and the troll had just come out . " You can 't take my friend 's home ! Get out of here ! " The girl yelled at him . She was really mad . So was the troll . The girl tried to kick at the troll , but with bare feet , since she lost her sneakers when her feet turned to wood up on the tree . She still thought she was big and strong enough to hurt the troll by kicking him ! I guess she didn 't know how tough troll skin is , because she hurt her toes when she kicked him . Even though it didn 't hurt the troll , he was mad . He jumped at her leg . He held her ankle , and bit into of her leg with his dirty little teeth . The girl screamed , and tried to shake him off her leg . He hung onto her ankle , until he was sure he had gotten plenty of poison into her , and then let go , and was tossed off her leg and onto the ground . He picked himself right up and said , " That will take care of you , " and he went back into the tree . The little girl still didn 't know the troll bite poisoned her . She tried to walk away . She got a few steps , then she cried out and fell down . She dragged herself along the ground a little bit , and then she passed out . " I don 't think so , " he said . " If she had gotten enough poison to kill her , I think she would be dead already . But she may never wake up again for the rest of her life . " " We 'd better take her to someplace safe , " Firl said . I agreed . But I didn 't know how we were going to move her . Then he tried to pull her . He held her under her arms and pulled until his face turned red . But he couldn 't move her at all . Maybe it would have worked , if Bardin 's clothes were stronger ! I just ended up with a mouth full of mint leaves that tore off his back . They sure were good ! But we still couldn 't move the poisoned girl . " We can 't just leave her here in the middle of the woods , " Firl said . We both knew she was right . But what could we do ? He sang that about nine or ten times , until the hill started shaking . Then the hill started to stand up ! As it stood up , all of a sudden we could see what the hill really was : a giant ! He stood up , yawning and stretching . He was so tall , I wondered if he could see us at all , down here on the ground . But he looked down and did see us . " My old friend Bardin , " he said , scratching his thick beard . " What is it you need ? Let 's get it done , so I can get back to sleep . I just went to sleep six years ago . I am so tired ! " " This human little girl was bitten by a troll . She 's still alive , but she can 't wake up . We should take her someplace safe , but she 's too heavy for me to lift or pull . " The giant reached down , and picked her up in his hand . He held her up to his face to look at her . " Poor little one , " he said sadly . " Where do you want to take her ? " I wondered if the troll might be able to cure the girl . I told my idea to Bardin . He agreed , and said it might be our only hope . He said he would go and speak to the troll . Firl and I stayed with the girl . The troll went and got a big pot . It was full of dust , and had some black slime in the bottom . He turned it upside - down , and shook most of the dust out . " Nothing . I just thought it would be funny to dump it all over her legs ! She does look funny like that , don 't you think ? " " I think that was mean , " I said . It made me mad . But then , after I said that I got scared and ran around behind Bardin 's legs . " Why , to feed to my cockatrice , what else ! He hasn 't had a good meal like that for a long time . You will make my cockatrice so happy by giving him your dog and cat to eat ! " " Yes I can ! " the troll said , smiling . " You have to . I did something nice for you , now you have to do something nice for me . And your dog and cat are what I want . And if you don 't send them to me , then I 'll just have to send my cockatrice to get them for himself ! And the cockatrice might not stop with just a dog and cat . I don 't think he 'll stop until he eats you and the girl too ! That would be such a shame . But I 'd have to do it , you know . So , I think you 'll send your nice little dog and cat to the magic tree , so my cockatrice can eat them . " Bardin didn 't say anything . I was really scared . I didn 't want to be eaten ! And that cockatrice was so mean , I know he would make it hurt as much as he could . " I feel terrible , " she said to us . " You understand me , don 't you ? I wish I could understand what you say . Where did Bardin go ? I wish you could tell me . " So did we , but we couldn 't tell her that . I asked Firl to stay with the girl ; while I went out to see Bardin . I wanted to watch how he called Zim . It was fun watching him wake up Bojo the Giant . Firl said she would , so I went out to watch . I missed most of it . When I came out , I saw Bardin whistling and clapping his hands . Then all of a sudden , there was Zim , buzzing in on the back of her bumblebee ! She went into the house ahead of us . It was a big bee she was riding , but she was very tiny . She was thin , but she looked very strong . She was pretty , but her eyes looked mean . She had a pack of arrows on her back . " No , " Bardin told her , " It 's really Sisla and Firl who need you . A troll bit this little girl . Then he made her well , but now he wants Sisla and Firl to feed to his cockatrice . " The girl was upset when she heard that . So was Zim , who said , " A troll ! I can 't fight a troll . My magic arrows won 't do any good against a troll . " " We 're going to need a plan . Magic won 't work against a troll , but there are other things that will . I know a lot about trolls . I just have to think of something we can use against him . " I wanted to ask Zim a question , but I was still afraid of her . I wanted to ask why the troll didn 't just take our magic tree any time he wanted . The tree isn 't strong enough to stop him , so what kept him away until now ? And why didn 't he just let his pet eat us any time ? " I have an idea ! " the fairy said . " I 'll need Sisla 's help . Sisla , will you help me ? " I told her I would , and she said , " Good . Then you can help me get rid of the troll . " I asked her what we come do , and she said , " I can 't hit the troll with magic arrows . But I can hit his cockatrice ! I will attack his cockatrice with my magic arrows . The troll will try to protect his pet . While he is busy doing that , you will attack the troll . " " The troll is a coward . If you can attack the troll and hurt him before he can hurt you , we 'll win . And he should be so busy trying to help his cockatrice , that I don 't think he will notice you in time . " Zim flew up very close to the cockatrice , but kept just out of its reach . She pulled out one of her arrows . As soon as she held it , it changed . It looked like a bolt of lightning in her hand ! She threw it at the cockatrice . It blew up when it hit it . It was too tiny to do any good , but it did hurt the cockatrice , a lot ! The troll pulled a giant knife out from under his shirt . First he just kept swinging at the bee , but he couldn 't hit it . Then he stopped , and watched carefully , to see just the right time to strike . I crept up on the troll . Zim was right , he didn 't notice me . When I was close enough , I jumped at the troll 's leg ! I bit into the troll right above his foot . It made the most awful taste in my mouth , ( it lasted for weeks ) . But I didn 't let go . It was the first time I ever bit anybody hard enough to draw blood . " You hurt me ! " the troll said , still crying . " That 's not fair . I 'm getting away from you people . You 're no fun . I 'm going far away . I hope I never see any of you ever again . And don 't try to find me , or I 'll sick my cockatrice on all of you . " He went to the cockatrice , and took its chain off the wall . " Come on , " he said to his cockatrice , " We 're leaving , and never coming back . " Then the troll ran off limping , dragging his cockatrice behind , as it tried to lick its sores from the bee and the magic arrows . " The trolls like to think that they 're good , " she said . " Even though they are very bad , they tell themselves they 're good . He wanted to think that he had a right to take your magic tree , and that he had a right to feed you and Firl to his monster . They always have to find some excuse for being bad , so they can do bad things but still think they 're really being good . " |
After the risky surgery with Abbigail , Joliet was still worried . The pregnancy had been unexpected , and certainly high risk . She was well past her prime for birthing pups , as evident with the delivery . Joliet shook her head as she cleaned up , trying to clear her mind . It was lucky that both she and Cheyenne had backgrounds in veterinary medicine for situations like this . Once everything was cleared and Joliet was sure that Abbigail was settled , she decided it was time to make her rounds in the rescue . Joliet called out to Cheyenne , " Chey , I 'm going to make the rounds and check on all the animals and staff . Call if you need anything ! " Joliet faintly heard Chey 's distinct laughter followed by a male 's , then heard Chey 's response . " Got it ! " Joliet first began her rounds by checking on the rest of the dogs in the dog palace which was one of the first buildings ever built on the rescue . Once she was satisfied that everyone was cared for properly , and she stopped to say hello to the corgi / husky mix Jack , she decided to head out . The rescue was laid out unlike most others , which made it unique . Next door to the dog palace was the cat cabana . Not far from the dog and cat facilities were the horse pastures , and aviary . The rescue even had an area designated for small animals ( rodents / rabbits / etc ) . There was also a lot of area designated for trails , and dog pens . Because of the layout , Joliet headed to the cat cabana and checked on them before heading off to the rest of the rescue . Once finished with the cat cabana , Joliet set off on a leisurely pace around the 1200 - acre rescue , deciding to take her time to make the rounds today . The ordeal with Abbigail momentarily took her mind off of her past and her writing , but now those thoughts were back . It had been so long since thoughts of that person had brought such feelings about that it shocked her to be feeling such a way now . She considered bringing it up with her husband , but thought better of it . Shaking her head to clear it again , Joliet continued on her rounds . She checked on the horse pastures , aviary , and small animal habitats . Satisfied with how all of the animals and staff were , Joliet still wasn 't ready to be confined back to her office . She didn 't want to confront the possibility of the unknown box being from her past . She looked towards the trails . " Ah , what the hell . " Joliet took out her phone and shot a quick text to Cheyenne 's phone so someone would know where she was . " Heading to the lake . Taking the trail . Can 't face office yet . " With that , Joliet took off at a small jog towards one of the trails that was marked as ' lake trail ' . Once arriving at the trail , Joliet looked back towards the main administrative building of the rescue . She shuddered visibly , thinking about the box and her past . She knew it was silly , but things still haunted her . She set off at a brisk pace down the trail , hoping a nice dip in the lake would cleanse her spirit . Upon reaching the end of the trail , Joliet paused . It never failed to amaze her how beautiful this part of the landscape was . The lake had a small , but magnificent waterfall that someone had put lights behind . It was breathtakingly beautiful here at night . Stripping down to her underwear , Joliet prepared for a dip in the water when she heard a noise behind her . " Are you stripping down for me , or am I just lucky enough to be here at the right time ? " Freaked out , Joliet whipped around . " How … why are you here ? " The man , who 'd been hiding in the shadows stepped out . " Well , I knew you used to come here often . But , I also tapped Cheyenne 's phone to spy on you . " Joliet 's face lost all color , " Why not just tap my phone ? Why hers ? " " Oh , it would be too easy to just tap yours . I had to make it fun . " Joliet had heard enough at that point . She grabbed her clothes back up , and took off at a run towards the rescue . Reaching the end of the trail , Joliet braved looking back . He hadn 't tried to follow her . " Strange … " she muttered a loud . Joliet dressed quickly and ran back to her office , calling Brice . " Hello Ms . Joliet " " Yeah … Hi Brice . Can you tell Cheyenne to meet me at my house please ? " " Uhm … sure . Yes ma ' am . " " Thank you " . With that , she hung up the phone and put a note on her door claiming she wasn 't feeling well and was going home early . She grabbed her things and ran out the door and to her car , making the trip home . Chapter 1 : The Almost Good Life - MLiNaF Well , I had a new ' mother ' and according to her I had a new father as well … hmmm . I wonder what these people were really like . The lady seemed nice enough ; I mean she did help me with my ' problem ' . I secretly hoped that maybe I had finally found my forever home . Don 't criticize ! I was twelve for Pete 's sake . I didn 't know any better . The life I 'd had up until now had been anything but pleasant . Do you know how often I , a young child , wondered why I was even alive ? Sad isn 't it ? Anyway , my new home was better than I could have imagined . I mean I got my own room ! I 'd never had my own room before so I was pretty stoked . When we got ' home ' my new mother ( whom I was to call Mimsy ) showed me around . It was a small house really , but to me it was a mansion . Mimsy told me Papa ( her husband ) would be home soon so she had to get dinner started . I was free to do as I pleased . What is a twelve year old supposed to do in a mansion ? Well , explore of course ! Where to start , where to start ? Well , my twelve year old self decided to start at the top and work my way to the bottom . Makes sense right ? You 'd think that an elderly couple wouldn 't have much to find in their home , but you 'd be wrong in this case . As I made my way to the attic , I started wondering about what things I could possibly find . Were there hidden treasures somewhere ? What if I found something I wasn 't supposed to find ? I contemplated this the little bit of time it took to climb the attic stairs . Before I knew it I was standing in the attic . The first thing I thought was that I needed to be really quiet or I 'd most likely get in trouble . Therefore , I tiptoed my way across the attic . Nothing really caught my eye until … what was that in the corner ? I walked over to it . " It 's something covered in a cloth . " I muttered to myself . It looked to be some sort of box looking thing . I wasn 't quite sure if I should mess with it , but you know , being curious and well … nosy , I just had to . I picked up the cloth carefully and beneath was an old hope chest . Lifting the lid on the hope chest and praying that it wouldn 't creak , I peered inside . " What the hell ? " Inside the hope chest was a bunch of baby clothing , and children 's toys . However , the elderly couple didn 't seem to have any other children . Mimsy called for me , and I scrambled to put things back in their place . " Coming ma ' am ! " " You better hurry child ! " A bit terrified , I hurried down the stairs to see what Mimsy had waiting for me . They reached the cabin right at nightfall and unpacked the car . As they were settling into the cabin , they realized they had a problem they had not thought of . There was only one bedroom in the cabin . Sarabelle tried not to think about that just yet , instead she walked up to Kayden , " Can we talk ? " He grimaced , " I guess now 's as good a time as any . Let 's go sit on the couch . " They proceeded to walk to the couch and then sit at opposite ends . " Are you afraid to sit by me now Belle ? " " No , I just don 't know what to think about all of this right now . " He stared at a spot over her head , purposely not looking her in the eyes , " Well , ask away darlin ' . " Sarabelle sat silent for a moment , debating on what to ask , " Well , what did you mean by you can read " most " people 's minds ? " Kayden stated bluntly , " I can read everyone 's mind completely , but your 's . I only get short , inadequate things from your 's . " Sarabelle breathed a sigh of relief . Kayden looked at her for the first time during this talk , " You know , it actually sucks because I don 't know how you truly feel about me . " " Kay , you know how I feel . " " No , I know what you 've told me . Nothing more . " She paused . Should she tell him the truth ? No , that would only make things awkward between them . Kayden was watching her ; she could feel his eyes upon her . She looked up and met his gaze . " Belle … " Kayden looked nervous . What was he going to say ? " Belle , I … I love you . " Sarabelle 's mouth dropped open and she was speechless . " What did you just say ? " Kayden gulped , " I said , I love you Sarabelle Ann Carter . " She blushed and then started crying . Kayden started panicking , " Belle ? Belle ? I didn 't mean to upset you . I 've wanted to tell you for a long time now … I just didn 't know how . " Sarabelle looked up at him with tear filled eyes , " Kay , I 'm not crying because you upset me , I 'm crying because I never thought I 'd hear you say that and the truth is , I love you too Kayden Van Williamson . While Sarabelle was cooking lunch for them , Kayden took the time to watch her and reminisce about the first day they met . e 'd been on the verge of committing suicide . hinking back on that day now he realized how different his life would 've been without his bellaboo . e smiled at the nickname he 'd given her ; he loved how it made her smile . e remembered the day they met by things which Sarabelle had told him . e 'd been high and drunk and didn 't remember a thing . t the time drinking and getting high seemed to be his only option to escape the cruel world in which he lived . ntil the day he met Sarabelle , Kayden wasn 't sure he was meant to be in this world . ll of his life his parents had hit him and each other . hen they weren 't hitting him , they were using him for their own sexual perversions . ven before he realized he could read minds , he 'd known they didn 't care for him . e was never meant to be born ; they 'd bluntly told him that one night . e 'd gone into his room and cried until the sun came up . ho are you if you don 't have someone to love you ? fter that night , he 'd turned to drugs and alcohol . he pain of being trapped in a home where you 're not wanted and you 're used constantly isn 't appropriate for any child growing up . n top of everything going on at home , he now knew he could read other people 's minds and he knew their problems and emotions . is new " gift " added even more stress to him and when he drank it dulled his senses so he couldn 't sense others . e 'd always been a loner ; when you 're abused , you tend to not trust people easily . hen he 'd found out he could read other people 's minds he 'd become even more of a loner than before , preferring to stay alone than deal with other people 's pain . e stared at Sarabelle for what seemed like hours . he 'd been the one to turn his life around . he night she sat with him and listened to him spill his guts , he 'd fallen in love with her . t that time , though , he didn 't realize it . e slowly got up from wSarabelle stood in the kitchen , cooking lunch and thought about all that had happened today . he smiled when she heard the water turn on upstairs and tried not to think about him being in the shower . he 'd noticed he 'd been staring at her while he was down here and it made her blush . he 'd never get tired of him or the way he said he loved her . he started to worry about what they were going to do about there only being one bed . he blushed as thoughts ran through her mind . he could offer to sleep on the couch , but knowing Kayden , he 'd already moved his stuff down to the living room . he froze as she heard the water turn off in the bathroom and started to fix their plates for lunch . he 'd prepared his favorite meal . he put the plates on the table and lit a candle in the middle of the table . he smiled to herself and heard Kayden coming downstairs . he turned towards the door just as he was walking through it . he froze and her heart felt like it 'd stopped . he 'd never seen Kayden like this . e was just wearing boxers , nothing else . he tried not to blush , but she saw him smiling so she knew she was already blushing . I , um , fixed your favorite . " e walked over to her and kissed her again . h , how she loved when he kissed her ! e whispered , " Thank you Bellaboo . o I make you uncomfortable like this ? " he froze . e was worrying about her being comfortable ? No , actually I love seeing you like this Kay . " e was blushing . o one had ever told him that before , she knew . or the first time all day , she pulled him close to her and hugged him tight . I love you Kayden . " I love you too Bellaboo . " he smiled , " Are you hungry ? " Why , yes I am . " he watched him as he pulled out a chair for her and she sat down . e walked over to his seat and sat down . hey ate in silence , each occupied by their own thoughts . arabelle finally spoke up , " Kay , where are we going to sleep tonight ? " e looked up , " Well , I was thinking you could sleep on the bed and I could sleep on the couch ? " Walking upstairs seemed to take forever to Sarabelle . he didn 't know what to expect and she was trying her best not to visibly shake . ou see , after Kayden quit drinking and getting high , she couldn 't sense things from him . t seemed he had a barrier that normal people did not ; she knew why now . t seemed to her that his ability to read people 's mind was his barrier , just as her ability to see visions stopped him from being able to read her mind . hey reached the top of the stairs and Kayden told her to stay right there . he started to panic . hat was he doing ? hat did he want to show her ? he wandered at the top of the stairs aimlessly , waiting on Kayden to come back . t seemed he was taking forever . he took a deep breath and sat on the top step . o sooner had she sat down that hands covered her eyes . moment of panic overwhelmed her until she heard Kayden chuckling behind her . he got up carefully and turned to face him . e didn 't look any different . e lightly kissed her cheek and held her hand as they made their way to his " secret " destination . he looked around and wondered what all of this could be about . s soon as they neared a doorway Kayden told her to close her eyes . he did . he didn 't know why or when it started , but she trusted Kayden with her life . olding his hand , she let him lead her out onto a balcony of some sort , or she assumed it was a balcony because she felt sun on her face . ayden stood beside her and told her to open her eyes . hen she opened her eyes , she was shocked to see a beautiful garden down below . very type and color imaginable was planted there . t seemed to go on forever and she gasped when she saw , in pink roses , the shape of an S . She looked at Kayden , " Did you do this ? " e blushed . efore he even admitted it , she knew he had . he question was , how ? he smiled and stood close to him , causing him to stiffen . he giggled , " Kayden , thank you , but how did you do this ? " Well , you know that week I was gone in April ? came here and planted these . wasHe saw her falter when he said those words . he looked confused and scared . e felt awful . hy had he said that ? ow was not the time . he spoke so softly that he could barely hear her , " Kayden , I don 't know what to say … " e took her hand in his and looked her in the eyes , " You don 't have to say anything . ometimes silence speaks louder than words . " he looked away from him then and it concerned him . e turned her face back towards him gently and saw she was crying . e was shocked and scared . ad he done or said something wrong ? e started to apologize when she cut him off , " Kay , I 'm not use to this . come from a family that could care less about me . y mom and dad left . y brother went to stay who knows where and I got stuck with Aunt Tiff who doesn 't understand me . " he started crying harder and he didn 't know what to do so he pulled her in his arms and held her tightly . Everything 's going to be okay now Bellaboo . 'll protect you and be here for you no matter what . othing and no one is going to take me away from you . ou 're my world and my … " e paused for a second . he looked up at him with her blue eyes that took his breath away every time . Soulmate ? " she whispered , almost inaudibly . e paused , then looked into her eyes , " Yes , my soul mate . " e leaned in to kiss her and she slid her arms around his neck . heir kiss was one of raw passion and need . hen they broke the kiss , he led her back inside and they snuggled on the couch watching TV . he entire time he didn 't pay attention to the show , instead trying to read some of her thoughts but she had them tightly concealed from him . e nudged her lightly , " Babe , don 't you need to go take a shower ? " he giggled and joked , " Do I stink or something ? " e blushed and quickly tried to fix what he had said , " No , no … I … " Kay , I know what you meant . was just joking . " he kissed him lightly on the cheek and got up to go . I won 't take long . " Take all the time you need baby . " hey smiled at January 24 , 2017Jo Leave a comment Walking out of her small study , Joliet glanced up at the clock in the hall , 8 : 15 . " Shit , I 'm going to be late for work , " she muttered . Joliet ran up the stairs to the master bedroom and threw on her favorite pair of clothing for work , a nice pair of jeans and a blouse . It appeared professional , but she didn 't mind getting it dirty if she needed to be hands on with the animals . Owning your own animal rescue had its perks , but you were still responsible for a ton of people and their livelihoods . She set her own hours so that she was able to be home most mornings with the kids , but lately the time seemed to be getting away from her . Knowing that the kids didn 't have to be at school until nine , Joliet scrambled to find all of the necessary items she needed for the rescue . Joliet sprinted down the stairs with shoes in hands , which was a pair of boots , and yelled to a loud to whoever remained in the house while putting the boots on , " I 'm leaving for the rescue in five ! Y ' all better be on the way to school in ten , if you 're not already , and remember to drop Kayden off as well ! " Silence . Did that mean they were all gone already ? No , wait . A noise . Joliet definitely just heard a noise . Emmett 's voice . " Got it mom ! Sis and Dad are gone , but I 'll take Kay . " She smiled despite being rushed , hearing the nicknames Emmett gave his siblings , " Thanks honey ! Love you . Gotta run . I 'm already late today ! " " Have a good day mom . Love you too . " Joliet drove to the rescue in a hurry , without really speeding , just five miles over ( maybe six or seven ) . The rescue was about fifteen or twenty minutes from where the house was , and that depended on traffic . Joliet was lucky today because traffic was apparently on her side . Arriving at the rescue , she parked in the spot that was designated for her . Once inside she greeted staff that were there already , and went to her office to check any new messages . Sitting on her desk was a box addressed to the rescue with no return address . Joliet paused momentarily and then called her best friend to come to her office ( who also happened to work at the rescue ) . Cheyenne came right away , thinking that she was finally going to be let go because of the close connection she had with Joliet . She knew other employees frowned upon it , even though Joliet didn 't show her special attention in meetings . Joliet nodded towards the box on her desk . " What do you make of that ? " Cheyenne walked over to the box and looked at it , " Well , it 's addressed to the rescue , but there 's no return address . Where 'd it come from ? " Joliet shrugged , " I have no idea , but I have a bad feeling about it . " Cheyenne knew something was up with Joliet , " Hey Jo , did you get to the part of your story about him ? Is that why you 're in a funk , and you 're acting a bit paranoid ? " Joliet 's head shot up , but her face betrayed her . Walking over to the office door and closing it , she nodded . " I started to write that part , and write about all that happened … and I had to stop . I didn 't want to dredge it all back up . Open old wounds , you know ? I don 't want to bring that ghost back into this place . " Cheyenne looked at her best friend then and finally understood what she 'd been thinking this whole time . " You think the box is from him , don 't you ? You think he 's finally found you ? Jo … that 's not possible . " Joliet looked so withdrawn , " Anything is possible Chey . " Cheyenne ran over and opened the door , and the young man practically fell through the entryway . " H . . Hello . My name is Brice , and I was sent to fetch you Ms . Joliet and Ms . Cheyenne because there is a dog in labor , but she 's in distress . " Joliet and Cheyenne both nodded , and momentarily forgetting the box , followed Brice down to the dog palace . " Which dog is it ? " Cheyenne always kept on top of keeping all of the animals organized , and with their proper caretakers ( one of the reason she was qualified to be at the rescue ) . Joliet was so lost in her own mind that she almost missed Brice say " Uhm , I think they said her name is Abbigail . " " Abbi ? She 's the one in labor ? " Joliet exclaimed and then took off in a jog . Cheyenne watched her best friend jog off , and momentarily considered following , but felt the need to explain to the confused newbie next to her . " Abbigail was the first dog rescued here . She 's been here for four years now . Hence , why Jo took off in a jog . She treats Abbi as a baby . " Brice thanked her for explaining the situation . " I just started yesterday , and today this happens . Is this common ? " Cheyenne chuckled , " Pretty much . It 's chaos , but you learn to love it . Welcome to Infinity Paws Rescue . " During the discussion about Abbigail , Cheyenne and Brice managed to catch up to Joliet , who was already with Abbigail . " Chey , we need to scrub in and help her . There 's at least two puppies in there . " Cheyenne merely nodded and the two girls headed over to a station meant for situations like this . While doing this , Brice stood around wondering what he should do until he heard Cheyenne 's voice . " Hey Brice , can you sanitize that workbench for us , and carefully lift Abbi up ? " " Sure thing ! " As Brice got to work sanitizing and the girls finished scrubbing in , the room was filled with little other noise other than Abbigail 's labored breathing . Brice gingerly picked the German Shephard / Lab mix up and laid her on the workbench , and then stepped back as the two girls moved in . " Hey Brice , can you come pet her head and keep her calm for us ? " Joliet asked . " Sure thing . " While Brice was petting Abbigail , Joliet and Cheyenne worked to help her deliver the last of her litter without surgery , but when that didn 't work , they had to resort to plan b . Joliet wasn 't thrilled about this plan , but if they waited any longer they could lose Abbi and whatever puppies were left . Joliet and Cheyenne prepared Abbi with the help of Brice , and positioned her so her stomach was up . After they made sure she was sedated , and on oxygen , the girls began the delicate cesarean surgery to try to save multiple lives . Five minutes passed before Joliet was able to pull the first puppy from the womb , and she passed it to Cheyenne . Cheyenne wrapped the pup in a warm towel and suctioned the nose / mouth region to try to revive it and handed it to Brice . " Rub the pup until you hear a noise , please . " During the time this was going on , Joliet had managed to pull another pup from the womb which she handed to Cheyenne . Cheyenne repeated the same procedure as before . Making sure Abbigail was not carrying any more pups and none were stuck in the birth canal , Joliet finished the procedure amongst the cries of small pups . Now I mentioned that this was only the beginning of a sad chain of events and it was just that . About a month or two after Granny 's death , our family cat , Shadow , started getting very weak and sick . I was the first one to notice that her stomach was bloated and she didn 't act like she felt good . One day while my brother and I were at school , my mom took her to the vet . She either had fluid in her stomach or she had cancer . This news was heartbreaking to me . So , instead of making her suffer we decided it would be best euthanize her . The night before we did she slept on my bed and I thought she was ready to go on her own ; I wanted her to go on her own . I kept telling her it was okay and that Granny would be waiting for her , but she just refused to let go . I stayed up all night with her and in the morning I carried her into the vet 's office and I laid her down on the table . The vet came in then and she was very nice . She told us all about what we could do with her body , we could keep it and bury her or they 'd cremate her . We couldn 't keep her because we had nowhere to bury her , so we had to let them cremate her . She gave us time alone to say goodbye and I don 't think I 'd cried that much since Granny 's funeral . The rest of the day we all stayed home and grieved . Joliet wiped more tears away from her eyes . Why was it so hard to write about this when it happened so long ago ? She knew why , time doesn 't heal all wounds . Yes , they 're less painful , but they 're always there and always waiting to be let loose again . She sighed and continued typing . Nothing happened the rest of 2009 , but in January of 2010 my cousin Michael passed away unexpectedly . We saw him in Wal - Mart one day and two days later , we got a phone call saying he was gone . It was unbelievable . He 'd had an underlying heart condition that no one knew about . It shocked everyone that this loveable and caring and all around great guy was suddenly gone . Everything that happened just seemed so depressing and unreal at the time . I didn 't realize ' til much later that I had sunken into a deep depression and I 'd been finding ways to hurt myself to " control " the pain . At the time , it seemed like a good idea . But , enough about the bad things that happened during my teen years , I want to tell you about the wonderful thing that happened to me in 2008 . Joliet was startled by a loud noise coming from one of the bedrooms down the hall . Her oldest , and only daughter , Annabelle was now awake and blaring some of her favorite music . Joliet got up from her study and walked down the hall to Annabelle 's room and opened the door quietly . Her daughter was up cleaning her room and dancing while she was doing it . The child had OCD almost as bad as she did . Annabelle turned down her stereo , " Mornin ' Mom . Did I wake you ? " " Oh , umm , no . I was just writing and heard your music and thought I 'd pop in to tell you good morning . " " Oh , well , okay then . I 'm going to finish cleaning and then I 'll go eat something , okay ? " " That sounds good baby girl . Don 't forget to say hi to your dad and little brother or brothers if Emmett ever wakes up . " Joliet then walked over to Annabelle and kissed her forehead . " I can 't believe you 're going to be going to college soon . " Annabelle smiled , " I know , I know Mom . Now , go back to writing . " Joliet walked out and closed the door behind her , but instead of going back to her study , she walked to Emmett 's room and knocked on the door . No answer . He was sixteen and thought he could sleep ' til noon . Instead of waking him and causing an argument , she just went back to her study and sat at her desk where she continued typing . The one wonderful thing that I can tell you helped my get through my teenage years comes in the form of a person . Sometime during the end of May , I was on the internet using my cell phone and I found some random site . Once I 'd created a profile , I started talking to some people in chat rooms . As is the case with most chat sites , some of the people were pure jerks , but then a name popped up that asked " Does anyone like Rascal Flatts ? If you do I . M . me " . The post caught my attention , so I messaged him and that 's where it all starts . He was a city boy from San Antonio , Texas who loved country music . We talked for what seemed like hours that night . I think we stayed up ' til 4 or 5 in the morning . We instantly clicked and from then on we talked every day . On June 3rd , 2008 he asked me to be his girlfriend and I immediately said yes . Little did I know how much he 'd come to mean to me . The young man that I now called my boyfriend was Michael Edmund . He was the sweetest and most caring person I 'd met in my life . He always knew when something was wrong and he always knew just what to say to make me smile . About a week after we 'd gotten together , we told each other " I love you " and we meant it . I knew from then on that if I ever dated after him , it wouldn 't be as magical . Some of you may say that it was only teenage love , but I can tell you right now that it wasn 't . During the first few months of our relationship we had " month anniversaries " and we got to know each other . He knew more about me than any other human had ever known before . I trusted him , which was hard for me to do after my dad . Joliet looked up from the screen and glanced at the clock . It was now almost 7 : 30 and she decided it was time for a break . She could stay here and write all day , but she had plenty of time before it needed to be done . She saved the file and password protected it before exiting her study and going to Emmett 's room . Hearing guitar music coming through the door was a sure sign that her oldest son was now awake . Joliet knocked on the door and waited until he opened the door . " Mornin ' Mom . Did ' ya need something ? " " Nope , just came to ask if you wanted anything for breakfast . I 'm going downstairs now to cook for your brother and sister , if she 's still here . " She was worried he 'd say no , like all the other mornings , but he surprisingly said otherwise . " Sure Mom . I 'll be down in a few , and I think Belle 's still here . " Seeing the surprise on her face , he leaned over and kissed her cheek causing her to smile . " Okay , well , I 'll go start on breakfast then . " After being thoroughly shocked by her son 's attitude this morning , Joliet made her way downstairs to start breakfast for the kids . She glanced in the living room and saw that Annabelle had gotten caught in a tickle war . She smiled and called out , " I 'm making breakfast for y ' all . I 'm glad you 're working up an appetite . " Amongst the laughter , she heard an " Okay Mom " . She chuckled and continued on towards the kitchen . Joliet paused at the refrigerator and glanced inside ; good , she had pancake mix . All of the kids loved her pancakes . She pulled the box of Aunt Jemima 's out of the fridge along with the carton of eggs . Pancakes and scrambled eggs would give the children plenty of energy for the day . While she cooked their breakfast , she fixed herself a glass of cool iced tea . Once everything was done cooking , she fixed each of the plates , and she put whipped cream smiley faces on each stack of pancakes . After setting the plates down at the table , she noticed for the first time how quiet it was . She glanced back into the living room and what she saw made her smile ; her husband and their children were praying together . She watched and when she heard the soft " Amen " , she walked in and laid a kiss on her husband 's cheek . " Breakfast is served kids . " As they made their way to the kitchen , she sat down on her husband 's lap to rest for awhile . He just put his arms around her and held her close , knowing she needed the rest . Joliet must have dozed off because she didn 't remember hearing the kids leave , but she was laying on the couch , covered in a throw blanket . She stretched and then went to the kitchen where she heard some noise . Her handsome husband was washing the dishes and putting them away before he had to go to work . He hadn 't heard her come in , so she snuck up behind him and put her arms around his waist . He turned and kissed her nose playfully , " Almost done here , then I need to get ready for work . " Joliet sighed ; she 'd have the house to herself again today . " Okay , I 'll be in my study if you need me . " Before she left though , he grabbed her waist and pulled her close , giving her a long , slow kiss . " I love you . " Joliet smiled , " I love you too . Now get busy or you 'll be late for work . " She started to walk out of the kitchen , but when she made it to the door she turned around and watched him for awhile . After watching him for five minutes or so , Joliet left and went upstairs to her study . She booted up the laptop , opened her story , and began typing . How one country backwoods girl could find an angel is beyond me . I 've told him many times what an angel he is to me and every time he always says " Only to you baby girl . " Always . It was one of those special things I loved about him from the beginning . Our relationship was perfect at first , no , it was amazing . I was in a daze for the first few months of our relationship I 'm sure . Alas , no long - distance relationship is perfect . It was all my imagination . Every relationship for that matter goes through their ups and downs … long distance just makes it that much harder . The fights started happening as they do in most relationships . It was nothing major , you know ? Just minor disagreements that blew up into something more . Upon getting together , we never realized just how stubborn we both were . We butt heads … A LOT . Joliet grimaced remembering this small detail in her life . She hated it , but knew that it was a part of her history too . Beginning to get a small migraine , she saved the file and closed the computer without a care to continue writing any longer . Michael Edmund was nothing but a memory to her now , and she didn 't feel like dredging up those painful memories on this particular morning , when her life seemed so normal . How funny to think back now and realize the fact . My name is Joliet . I 'm a small - town North Carolina sweetheart . Little did I know that at the age of thirteen , almost fourteen , my life would change forever . I met this amazing young man on a chat site one night , much by accident . Wait , I 'm getting ahead of myself here . Let me start over … My name is Joliet Ruby . I was born and raised in good ' ole North Carolina . Since I was a young girl , I 've always wanted to be a veterinarian . I grew up much like many small - town kids do , with more " parents " and " grandparents " than you could hope to imagine . My family 's always had problems , but whose family doesn 't ? My parents are divorced , and my father has been remarried too many times to count . I remember as a little girl playing with my dad and little brother , yet those happy times also include sad times . When my parents argued , when my dad left taking my brother for awhile … this may sound bad , but I had a happy childhood . My childhood was indeed happy , however I can 't say the same about my early teenage years . So much happened during that time it 's almost hard to comprehend . One day I came home from school only to have a ' talk ' with my Momma ; I couldn 't stay home alone anymore . Why ? My father was Bipolar and she was scared he 'd try to do something . Needless to say I was shocked . How could MY dad have a mental illness that had no cure ? ! I stayed at my Granny 's house from then on when my mom wasn 't home . I looked up Bipolar whenever I got the chance , and I helped take care of my Granny . You see , not only was my father sick , my Granny had been sick for a long time and wasn 't getting any better . She had diabetes and it was slowly killing her . She 'd already had a liver transplant because of it and now she needed a kidney transplant . Watching her get weaker each day took a major toll on me ; she was like my second mother . Joliet glanced up from her computer screen . In this century it made sense to type instead of write , but oh how she missed the feel of the pen touching the paper . She blinked , clearing her thoughts and looked at the clock . It was three in the morning . Noticing for the first time how tired she was , Joliet saved the file . After closing down the laptop and hiding it , she exited her study and slowly made her way down the hall . She stopped to check on her sleeping children and found them out like a light . She smiled to herself knowing in her heart these children were her blessings . Joliet continued down the hall and quietly entered her room . Slipping gently into the bed , she was asleep before her head hit the pillow . The next morning she was up before anyone else in the house . She glanced at the clock ; 5 a . m . She 's only been asleep for two hours . She suddenly felt the need to write so she quickly and quietly eased herself out of bed and made her way down to the study . Carefully , she removed her laptop from its hiding place . While waiting for it to boot up , Joliet glanced out the window . She 'd been blessed in this life ; she was sure of it . The laptop caught her attention with a minor " ding " to signal the need for a password . Joliet punched in the password and waited until the home screen was up before clicking on the icon that read " Story " . After reading what she 'd written so far , she started typing , adding more to the story . My Granny was the one person that I could talk to about anything ; she was the one who use to cuddle with my cousin and I and read us bedtime stories , complete with the different voices . I didn 't realize then that memories like that would mean so much to me in the near future . My Granny had to go to dialysis three times a week because her kidneys weren 't working correctly . Every day she had dialysis , I was scared for her . It sucked the life out of her . We started saying ' Good ' days were the ones without dialysis . It was pure torture just to watch what it did to her ; I can 't even begin to imagine what it felt like to BE her in that situation . The beginning of a few sad years came on July 31st , 2009 . My mom got a call really late at night / early in the morning from my Granny . Rule # 1 in our house : Late night calls or early morning calls are bad news . Little did we know how bad this call actually was . This call is one that tore my whole world apart as it did for the rest of my family ; my Granny had had a massive heart attack . After she 'd been taken to the hospital , they put her on a vent and everything . Later when everyone got to the hospital , excluding me , they were taking her in for more tests . I regret not going that day because that was the last time anyone heard her voice ever again . When she saw everyone she said , " Oh , hey . . " . My Granny passed away on August 1st , 2009 . Together as a family we decided to take her off of the ventilator and everything ; she didn 't want it anyway . At her funeral , we played " Go Rest High On The Mountain " by Vince Gill and to this day I still can 't listen to it without crying . Joliet wiped tears away from her eyes and felt a hand on her shoulder . Her husband and true love stood there , " I thought I might find you here . Are you okay baby girl ? " Quickly saving and closing the file , she look up at him . " How long have you been standing there ? " " Not long . " Joliet looked at the clock ; 5 : 30 A . M . She must have woken him when she got out of bed . " Want some breakfast ? " , she said with a forced smile . Looking at him , she already knew the answer even before he said the words . " Sure baby . " He then held out his hand to her just as he always did , but instead of letting her start walking to the kitchen he pulled her close and hugged her tight . " I love you . " Joliet 's throat closed up with emotion because he always knew just what to say , he 'd always known just what to say . They stood hugging for a few minutes until he finally let her go and took her hand once again . Hand in hand , they walked down the stairs and to the kitchen where Joliet was shocked . He 'd already cooked breakfast for the two of them and it was her favorite . She looked at him and he just shrugged , " I got up when you did , but figured you needed time alone so I decided to cook us something . " Instead of answering , she walked up to him and kissed him on the cheek . " Thank you baby . It looks delicious . " They sat down at the table and enjoyed a nice breakfast together in a comfortable silence . Once they 'd both finished eating , they put the dishes in the sink and went to watch television . By this time , their youngest child , Kayden , was wide awake and bounding down the stairs with more energy than anyone should have at this time in the morning . Joliet smiled at her husband and went to meet their son at the bottom of the stairs . When he saw his mother , Kayden , who was eight at the time , jumped into her arms and gave her a big hug . " Good mornin ' mommy " " Good morning sweetie , " she said as she carried him into the living room . She set him down on the floor and he immediately went to his father , " Morning Daddy ! " Joliet sat down on the couch and watched the two of them talk and play for what seemed like hours . It was 6 : 30 before Kayden realized his favorite show was on . He stopped playing with his dad and curled up to watch TV . Watching the two of them curled up together made Joliet smile and she quietly slipped away to her study to write some more . |
I enjoy peace and quiet , usually . But today I find it grates . In a house full of people I should be hearing something . Well , other than just the sound of pages turning . I blame Jes . She took my journal the other night . She made copies of it and handed it out to the family as they arrived . * sigh * She 's read it already but has yet to say a word to me since she got home . I was first here . I came earlier than usual . I wanted a chance to talk to her , warn her that I had things to discuss tonight . I got the hand . She 's said absolutely nothing to me . I guess I know how this is going to go . Hopefully I won 't lose everyone , but I 'm guessing my time as family is at an end . " Other room please . We need a few minutes to discuss this . " Raven didn 't even look at me as she spoke . I left the room , into the kitchen with me . I might as well have a drink while they discuss my fate . There 's an iPod sitting on the table . I peek back into the living room only to have one of my sisters catch me . I sit down at the table , a glass of whiskey in front of me . I 'm fidgety , and I catch myself playing with the unfamiliar iPod . I can hear them talking quietly but I can 't make out the words . I consider leaving , after all it 's what I figure is going to happen anyway . So why wait ? I get up and grab my purse , slip quietly out the door to my car . I go to put the key in the ignition and realize I 'm still holding the iPod . * sigh * I 'll have to go back inside , I can 't take it with me . I might be a killer but I 'm no thief . I reach into my glove box instead and pull out my stereo cord . I plug in the iPod and turn on the engine so I can have a listen . " Eternity gazed back at me . Like an ocean 's horizon at midnight . Faintest of whispers softly caress my ears and I wonder if it is a nightmare or a dream . " words & music by Jason Sinner I hear the words , listen to the song , and then play it again . I don 't recognize the man 's voice so why does it sound like he 's in my head ? I turn off my car , and head back inside . Sitting out there where someone could see me is making me tense . My timing is … good I suppose . I hear Gwen sending someone in to get me . Monster comes in . My Mikey , my Monster , if I lose everyone else I will still have him . He 'll still have them as well though . I may have brought him into the family but he is family . He smiles sadly at me , hugs me , and we walk into the room together holding hands . Just like whenever he was in trouble with our folks . We stand together , his arm around me . It takes me a moment but I raise my eyes to meet those of the ones I love . I look from one face to the next until I stop on an unfamiliar pair of eyes . This must be Methial . Jes told me about him , he was brought in while I was missing . I feel a shiver crawl down my back , his eyes are steady on mine and I can 't seem to look away . He smiles at me , nods his head as if in greeting , and that breaks the spell . I can 't make myself continue , my eyes drop , my gaze upon the carpet as I await their condemnation . Jes and Gwen look at each other . I don 't have to see it to know they are having a silent debate about who 's going to speak . We 've done this before , only it was between the three of us . I hear a soft sigh , Jes it is then . " When were you going to tell us ? Or were you even going to ? " My eyes snap up to meet hers . " Of course I was going to tell you ! That 's why I came early tonight ! " I step away from the safety of my brother 's arms . " Had you left it alone Jes , I would have told everyone tonight . It 's why I asked for all of the family to be present . My journal is with me , in my purse . I wasn 't sure I 'd be able to say it all , I was absolutely certain I 'd fail . So I brought it with me . It says all the words I didn 't believe I 'd be able to . " I look around and I see distress on the faces I love so much . I 'm broadcasting . " Just wait a sec , please . " I walk outside , breathe deeply , I need control . I sit down on the steps , close my eyes and focus on my walls . Brick by brick they go back up . I feel a jacket placed around my shoulders and I turn to look . It 's Methial . My look is questioning , he simply shrugs and sits beside me . " Penny for your thoughts . " He looks at me briefly before looking ahead again . Stunned does not begin to describe my reaction to his comment . " A penny for my thoughts ? Really ? " I look at him and see a small smile before he looks away again . " Ok , fine . My thoughts … my thoughts are somewhat scattered right now . One thought , why are you here instead of one of my sisters ? But then I realize it 's because they 're all getting themselves under control and that I had little to no effect on you . Another thought , why did I have no effect on you ? Next thought , is there even any point to me going back inside or should I simply get in my car and go home ? Also , why am I spilling all my thoughts to you , and why aren 't you annoyed with my ranting yet ? " He smiles at me again , stands up , and offers me his hand . Before I realize what I 'm doing my hand is in his and we 're walking back into the house . He guides me over to the couch where Mikey is sitting . After I sit down he sits beside me , a little closer than I should be comfortable with but I can 't seem to bring myself to object . Gwen watches with a smirk on her lips . Jes walks in from the kitchen and hands me a glass , a light sip tells me there 's whiskey in my soda . No surprise there , she 's known me most of our lives after all . I take a larger sip and wait . " Ok so we 've decided it 's time to come clean with you . " Not what I was expecting . Over the course of the next several hours my family told me what they had been hiding from me . For years . It turns out my family is full of killers . Not just in defense but flat out , cold blooded killers . I mean , yes I knew my Mikey was a monster , and that my sisters and brothers all had particular skills . I suppose it hadn 't occurred to me what purpose they had set those skills to . We all have jobs of sorts . When our folks passed away Mikey and I came into some money , I 've handled my portion pretty well and haven 't had to have a 9 to 5 job in ages . Mikey drives a truck , a big ass truck . I suppose I now know the reason he loves the open road so much . The rest well … let 's just say they have day jobs and then they have jobs that prefer the night . But those are their stories to share , not mine . I don 't remember leaving , how in hell did I get home ? Mikey had to leave early , he had a run . So I know he didn 't bring me home . How much did I drink while they told me what I 'd been too dumb to see ? Jes tried to make it seem like they were just that good at hiding it but when I look back they really weren 't . I was just that good at being oblivious . Oh god , it 's not even 8 o ' clock in the morning and I already want a drink . I killed , I won 't deny it , but after months in that place one could argue I 'd snapped . My sisters , my brothers , they all told me horrible things . The only one that said nothing was Methial . He sat there beside me the entire time , his hand on my back . I vaguely recall leaning on him after a few drinks . Oh god , I need to call Jes . She 'll tell me it was all just stories . A prank . I need my phone , maybe it 's in the kitchen ? I walk into the kitchen and notice an unfamiliar jacket on the back of one of the chairs . I thought I gave it back to Methial when we went inside . I glance around and notice the back door is open . Given my recent paranoia I know I didn 't leave it open . I look out onto the deck , he 's sitting on the steps smoking a cigarette . The smoke curls around his head , almost a caress , before it drifts away . There 's a mug beside him and only now do I realize that I smell coffee . I guess I know how I got home . Dear god , please tell me I didn 't do anything stupid last night . Well stupider . " He can 't help you , you know . " He didn 't even acknowledge my presence until he spoke . He 's still looking into the trees . And what the fuck did he mean by that ? " God is what I mean . He can 't help you . Well he could , but he won 't . " He gets up , sticks his cigarette into the pot of dirt beside him , picks up his mug , and comes back inside . Without more than a smirk in my direction he drains his cup , grabs his jacket , and heads for the front door . " I 'll see you later Dee . We have a few things to discuss . " After the door closes I can move again , I run after him , flinging the door wide , but he 's gone . Just gone . No motor , and it 's a long driveway so it 's not as if he could already have driven out of sight . There 's a wide area around the house before the trees take over and I don 't see him anywhere . Back into the house , Jes 's voicemail picking up before I even realize I have my phone in hand . " Jes , you need to call me . Like now . Or ten minutes ago . Or come over . Who the hell is this guy ? I need more answers from you . I don 't suppose you 'd be willing to tell me that yesterday was a bad dream ? Or a prank ? Just call me , please . " All I got was a text . " He 'll explain . " Like that helps . And why wouldn 't she call instead ? I 'm officially creeped out . Raven called me . She said she was sorry that she 'd lied to me about what she was doing . She also apologized for telling me the truth . I can 't fault her for that . After I got off the phone with her though I realized I didn 't want to talk to any of the family . So maybe it 's better that Jes didn 't call . I need a shower … or maybe a nice long bath instead . After I locked everything up , I soaked in the tub for a couple of hours . Bubble baths are my weakness . Every little sound was making me jumpy but I was bound and determined to enjoy my bath . Afterwards I wander the house to make certain everything was still locked up tight . This has become a ritual the last few nights . Ok time for sleep . I turn on my bedside lamp , slip under the covers , and turn over . Right into Methial . Ok my throat hurts , I 'm not sure how long , or how loud I was screaming . My back hurts which I guess is what happens when you try to shove yourself through the corner . He 's bleeding . Oh my god he 's bleeding ! What the fuck did I do ? " Methial ? " Ok whispering isn 't helpful . Did I even make a sound ? He 's looking at me . Ok I couldn 't have hurt him too bad , he 's smiling . He 's smiling and walking towards me . He 's not walking , he 's stalking , and that smile scares me . From the top of my head to the very tips of my toes I do not believe there is a single spot on my body that is not complaining . I wish I could say it was a good pain that I 'd had an exceptional workout , or even better absolutely mind blowing sex . God that would be nice . But no , it 's his fault I feel this way but nothing nearly so pleasant . When I got home from work on Friday I had stopped to pick us up our usual . We normally have pizza , a couple of ice cold beers , and watch a movie or two before we fuck the night away . Our version of celebrating the week 's end . He arrived before me which , although unusual , wasn 't a big deal . He 's had a key to my place for six months now after all . He seemed a little out of sorts but it had been a hell of a week so I thought nothing of it . We ate pizza , drank beer , watched the third of a movie , and out of nowhere his fist connected with the side of my head . Next thing I knew I woke up here . I think that was five or six days ago . It might be longer . He hits me so hard I pass out and I have no idea how long until I wake again . Ignoring that I still have no idea what the fuck happened , or why he 's doing this , I can 't figure out why I 'm tied to a bed of all things . It 's even comfortable sort of . It 's hard for anything to be comfortable when you 're covered with bruises , cuts , and even a couple of broken bones ( I think a rib , and a bone in my leg but I can 't be sure about any others ) . And although at some point he stripped me , he seems to be putting a blanket on me as if to let me freeze would be unacceptable . When he comes into the room he puts a straw into my mouth , lets me drink some water . But there has been nothing to eat . As I 'm still breathing I can 't help but think he 's doing something when I pass out to keep me alive but why ? Ok what do I absolutely know ? He 's nuts . Ok that 's not going to help . I did notice that the leg that seems to be broken is also the one tied to the least stable of the posts . I think that 's why he broke the bone . I can The door opens , and he enters the room . He miles at her , and offers her the straw . She turns her head . He orces the straw between her lips and she does nothing . " rink " She shakes her head at him . " ou need to drink or you 'll feel all of this . Now be a good little girl and do as you 're told . " He oesn 't appreciate the glare he 's receiving and he slaps her , hard . " rink " q V " I want to know why I 'm here . Why are you fucking torturing me ? " Her voice doesn 't change , he damaged her vocal cords at some point , he was afraid she might scream . " Because you 're a fucking whore that 's why ! I found your phone with those messages ! To some guy named Brad . You 're MY girlfriend and you 're talking about fucking him ! How you can 't wait to have him … . " He turns away for a moment , shaking uncontrollably . Brad … . Brad , this is about my ex boyfriend from five years ago Brad ! It hadn 't occurred to her to clear an old phone , she 'd chucked it in a drawer and forgotten about it . She starts to giggle , she can 't help it , and she can 't stop it . Even when his fist connects with her cheek she giggles through the pain . " Did you even look at the dates dipshit ? " It 's the last she manages to get out before he connects with her mouth , shattering her teeth . She can 't move so she chokes to death on the pieces that fall into her throat . She 's dead a good half hour before he stops hitting her . He glides silently through the trees , not a sound to be heard . No footprints left behind to mar the path . He comes up to the house , opens a door that no longer remains , and goes inside . She said she 'd be here , made him promise he would wait . And so he would . He 'd never let her down before , he would not start now . As he sits in the dark , he reminisces . Remembering the day he met her . They met at church . She came out from services . He was mowing the lawn She was an angel without wings and she stole his heart before her eyes met his . Within 6 hours he was courting her . Within six weeks he had bought a ring And then came morning . As he stood on her father 's doorstep , his love screaming and crying in the background . Her father gave him back the ring He waited until 3 am , and quietly tapped one knuckle lightly on her window . He saw her shadow as she slipped out of bed , the moonlight causing her white cotton nightgown to softly glow . She tiptoed to the window , parted the sheer curtains , pressing her hand against the glass and mouthed He breathed heavily on the glass , and trailing his fingertip through the fog . Wrote PACK and she smiled and nodded , and mouthed " when . " He breathed again , and wrote 3 AM TOMORROW and melted away , blowing a kiss as he became yet another shadow Reality came with an unexpected boon . A letter from HER and his heart began to beat again and he could breath . . She begged him to meet her at the old rundown shack on the back quarter of her grandmother 's land . As the sun dips beneath the horizon , the sky ablaze with colour , his anticipation grew . He strained his ear for any sound , his eyes peering out into the shadows . But it is silent , no movement to be seen , not even the songs of the nightbirds to keep him company . Her father stood in the trees , her cousins and uncles at his side and not a one was unarmed . He stopped short , his heels slipping slightly in the dewy leaves . Against his throat , the double barrels of the shotgun rested " I told you she was too good for you , but you just don 't listen . " He opened his mouth , and it was suddenly filled with the taste of metal and guessed it wasn 't his turn to speak . " I don 't think I can buy you off or convince you to leave . but she 'll think you did . " He tried to step back and collided with a wall of bodies . He was surrounded . The barrels were removed from his mouth and he abruptly flew as the butt of the weapon smashed against his cheek . He heard a wolf 's cry in the distance , and trembled , fear overtaking him at last . He knew this would not end well . He glanced up , seeing a shadow cross his vision . The moonlight blocked as the men begin to pummel him . Unable to do more than whisper her name . The lone wolf 's voice the only accompaniment to the grunts of the men surrounding him . She glides to the doorway , her hand resting on the splintered wood . She sees his guitar laying forgotten in the corner and rushes to pick it up , holding it close as though it were him , and weeps . From inside , a rattle , and she turns it over , feeling her ring tumble into her hand Smiling , she places the ring upon her finger , and wipes the tears from her cheeks . She steps outside into the darkness , walks like a ghost to the drivers side of his pickup and finds the key still in the ignition . She can almost imagine it retains the heat from his hand . She places the guitar beside her on the seat , and turns the key . The engine roaring as the truck drives towards where her family awaits their destiny The paper the next day told tale of a horrible accident . One of the more prominent families in town nearly wiped out . The only surviving member , a three week old girl . I feel as if these words describe not only my heart but my soul as well . Can a soul be shattered ? I feel as if there is nothing left to wake up for in the morning , nothing left to care about , nothing left to live for . It has all passed me by and I was looking the other way . My mind is wandering , aimless , unsure . Lost in a morass of fear , doubt , pain . My focus is gone , my thoughts scattered to the four winds , hidden from myself . Before I had hearts , hands , souls to help me find my way back . Now , now I am alone . I know who I am , who I am supposed to be , what my purpose is . I have found though that I do not care . It began several months ago . I am only now free of that place , that man , the drugs , and the fear . Well perhaps not the fear . If I were free of the fear I would not be constantly glancing over my shoulder , would I ? I would not have a need to have every light in the house turned on , only turning them off in the light of day . When my sisters see my electric bill they will not be pleased with me . Oh dear god , my sisters . I 'm going to have to tell my sisters . Of course , it would have been nice if even one had noticed that I was not attending our usual Sunday dinners . Noticed and then come to see if they could locate me . I know I have missed a dinner or two in the past but I have never missed without letting someone know . Normally I would have contacted someone . My other sisters have missed previously , without a call , or a text . I 've always made a point of swinging by to see if everything was alright … . No , this is his fault . His alone . Not theirs . They would not have known where to look for me , and had one come along perhaps he would have kept her as well . Or killed her . No I can 't think about that . I must remember that everyone else is alright . I could not bring myself to speak with any of them tonight , I needed to come home , shower . Did you know that showering in an empty house can be terrifying ? The silence is oppressive . However do not turn on the radio or television before you shower . The silence is preferable to the sounds that cover up footsteps , breathing , doors opening … . Stop ! I went by our family home before I came here . I silently peered through the living room window , and in doing so determined it was Sunday . The wine was open , popcorn made , they were watching a movie . It 's one we 've all watched several times in the past . I was surprised to see my brothers as well . They seldom join us and I will admit that I wanted to go inside , crawl into the lap of one of our boys , and stay there . Of course I could not let them see me like that . Stolen clothes , covered in blood ( not all of it mine , he felt pain before he died ) , my hair full of dirt , my skin covered in cuts , bruises , needle tracks … . Thank God I have seven days until Sunday . My family is a little … unusual . We are none of us family by blood , simply by choice . We found each other gradually over the years . We know that we will most likely find more as time passes , it is the nature of our bond . We have had siblings leave , their paths veering away from ours . We have also suggested , rather firmly I might add , that a sibling or two is no longer welcome in the family home . I cannot help but wonder if my recent actions will cause my departure to be desired . We each have a virtue that we identify with strongly . My gift has been eloquence , the capability to speak and be heard , to bring the truth to light without causing offense . I have been told that although I was not born with a silver spoon , I was blessed with a silver tongue . My family knows that a portion of my gift is the ability to broadcast my desired outcome , the positive emotions that I wish to be felt by the others involved . I have recently found out that I am also capable of permitting my fear , my anger , and my hate to be felt by others as well . How I wish I had never been taught that lesson . I don 't actually know how it began , one moment I was home , the next I was not . The day had begun like most any other . My phone ringing . It was , of course , one of my sisters . Raven needed my help . Her primary talent is Justice but she sometimes let it over take her . She 'd gotten herself into a little bit of a pickle and needed me to talk to the group and smooth things over . Not a huge issue . So I told her I would have a quick shower , then head on to meet up with her . I never made it . I was in the shower , I heard a thump and I called out . I thought one of my sisters was over . I saw a shadow on the curtain . And then nothingness . When I awoke all I could feel was heat , surrounding me , entrapping me . No escape . I couldn 't move , my eyes opened in panic to see nothing , darkness . I couldn 't help myself and I began to twist , whimper , cry . Suddenly I was able to move , the heat dissipating , and I felt a light touch on my arm . " Shhhhh … relax my sweet . Everything is fine , you 're safe . " A soft , masculine voice , unfortunately not a familiar voice . " Where am I ? Why can 't I see ? " I wanted to shout with every fiber of my being , but that never gets anyone anywhere . I felt myself broadcast a little of my fear , just a small amount . I didn 't know if it would work , I 'd never tried fear before . Concern but never fear . But then again , what had I ever truly been afraid of ? " No my sweet , none of that . " I felt a sharp prick in my arm and that was the end of that . Every time I woke he was there . If I tried to broadcast my emotions , another needle . If I screamed , another needle . If I cried , or carried on in any fashion , again the needle . As time passed I began to wake more quietly . I felt around my space using what senses I had available . As touch and sight were out of the equation I had to listen , keep myself calm and pay attention when he entered the room . Jes saw a light on and decided to stop . She said she thought I was out of town . Wanted to know where I went for six months without telling anyone . Six months . She also gave me shit for disappearing on our sister . She had to go help Raven , though she said there was a bad taste left behind that nothing could fix . I told her to stop ranting at me that I 'd explain on Sunday what happened so I only have to do so once . The light was behind me so she couldn 't see the bruises . Anyway , after a time ( I 'm not sure how long ) I realized that when it was really quiet , I could hear other voices . The only one that seemed able to tell when I was broadcasting was the man in charge of me , so to speak . I began to send out gentle waves of concern . I could sense a woman in the room to my left , and a man in the one to my right . I knew without trying though that he wasn 't going to be around much longer . I could feel he was letting go . I tried to send him courage , strength , hope . All I received in return was despair . The next time I woke , I sensed nothing . He was gone . The next day I made contact , of a sort , with the woman . I could tell when she was medicated , when she was simply sleeping , and when she was awake . Sleeping meant nightmares . Fear . Awake meant terror . I could only help for short periods of time . Her fear , her terror , increased my own . So I had to keep my contact with her to a minimum . I believed that instead of becoming despondent like that man had , that she was losing her mind . There were times I heard her screaming , but the laughing was the worst . Neither lasted long though , and then I could sense she 'd been drugged again . My captor was away more . I had more time between his visits . More time awake . I 'd begun to notice that my body was in pain . The only times I knew anyone was in the room was when he would come in and the world would disappear with the prick in my arm . I started to wonder what was happening when I was unaware . I 'm not certain how long it took but I must have built up a resistance to the drug . He didn 't know as I tried to be silent when I woke . I could hear him in the room sometimes , writing on occasion , sounds I didn 't recognize other times . I would stay silent , contained , hidden . I would wait , sometimes half an hour , sometimes longer before I 'd try to send out calm , hope , to the lady in the next room . If I didn 't wait long enough he would come back and I 'd get another needle . I finally woke very early one day . I could feel his hands on my body . He was touching me , everywhere . Pinching , squeezing , slapping . No wonder I hurt every day . After that nearly every time I woke he was touching me in some manner . I did my best to remain calm , quiet , let him think I was still out . I didn 't always succeed . Then one day I felt the needle when he came in , but I didn 't go completely under . I could hear him talking to another man . I couldn 't track the words though , the drug made that nearly impossible . I couldn 't move either but I was aware . And then I wished I wasn 't . They took turns using my body . Not just the two , but several men . Different touches , different voices , different men all using my body for their enjoyment . Now I knew why I was bound , blindfolded , why I was being held against my will . My terror overwhelmed me , and that was all I knew for a while . Next time I woke I awoke screaming . He spoke to me and I did not stop , I think it was a few days before I woke again . He changed my drug , I was solidly out again . This time when I woke I planned . I needed to get out . I 'd been waiting , hoping that one of my sisters would arrive , tell me that I was in the hospital , tell me what had happened . They would never have left me in a place like this though . So now I knew , I had to get out on my own . But how ? My hands and feet were firmly strapped to the bed . I wondered about the lady in the other room . Was she trapped as I was ? Were they doing to her what they were doing to me ? Then a couple of days ago , while it was still quiet all around me , I woke suddenly . In the silence I could hear her tears . Her fears filled the room with screaming , though there was no sound to be heard . Her pain , her sense of loss , her anguish surrounded me , drowning me in her . I began to speak . Softly , gently , low . If there was anyone walking past none but she could hear . And she heard . If only she had not heard . My words fueled her , commanded her . My words drove her . Her actions were my thoughts . My pain , my sorrow , my hatred . Her body was free , mine was not . My mind , my voice were all I had . She became my avatar . My puppet . My saviour . Their death . She had been unresponsive for days . They no longer bothered to bind her to the bed . When her controller entered the room , she used my anger , my hatred , my out and out uncontrollable rage as her fuel . I whispered thoughts of death , mayhem , blood and she made them real . When he was dead I still did not release her from me . She killed the man in the hall , tore him limb from limb . After she released me from my bindings I stumbled to the door , leaning against it I looked out and watched his life merge with the water he had been washing the floor with . I did not mourn him though . If he was not one of the men that raped us , then he left us to them . God damn it , who 's here now ? I need to finish this . I need to get it out . But the doorbell is ringing . I 'll be back . I need to be more careful . Devine stopped in , noticed all the lights on , and started to walk around turning them off . I had to lie , I told her I was looking for a mouse . That I thought I 'd seen one and didn 't want to turn off the lights until I found it . She turned to look at me , she looked concerned and I thought I hadn 't done a good enough job with the cover - up but then she shivered and said she hoped I was wrong but maybe I could borrow a cat . I 'm going to have to stop leaving the lights on all the time . It 's attracting too much attention . Tomorrow I 'm going to get a lock for my bedroom door . Maybe I 'll be able to sleep . With my room at the back of the house my sisters shouldn 't notice these lights on all night . I still don 't know her name . I guess I never will now . They killed her , they killed her as if they had plunged the knife into her body themselves . But he wasn 't there yet . They 'd called him so he was on his way . But he wasn 't there yet and none of the others seemed to feel my broadcast as an outside thing . We 'd gotten part way down the hall . We were opening doors , trying to release anyone else we found . We only found two others that could walk . There were others but they weren 't going anywhere . One man had his legs broken , and they didn 't set them properly . He told me he 'd tried to escape and that was his punishment . He asked me to kill him . I told him I couldn 't . I should have then , I did later but not by choice . She 'd picked up the mop , and broken off the handle . As I was untying another lady she turned and put it through some guy 's throat . He came running into the room , yelling at us . She didn 't like the yelling . I tried to rein in my emotions a little , the other lady was becoming violent as well and I realized I was still affecting them . I should have let it be though . We found a man near the end of the hall , he could walk but there was something about him that made me nervous . We let him free anyway and he joined us . We went around a corner and into a large open space , there was a kitchen area on the other side of the room and I could see knives from where I was standing . I thought it was odd that there was no one around but I took it as a blessing and we went across the room . We each collected a couple of knives . The new lady didn 't want to but I told her to grab a couple anyway . I said she didn 't have to use them but it would keep her from looking like easy prey . As we slipped into the next hallway , I noticed all the doors were open , no one to rescue , nowhere for anyone to be hiding . I started to calm down . I could see the doors leading to the outside world just a few meters away . As I calmed down so too did my companions , but I didn 't see it . I was walking in front with the first woman . I really wish I 'd asked her name . As my emotions settled , my broadcast ebbed . I thought we were all there for the same thing . I thought we were all being used in the same manner . I have to admit I was confused when behind me I heard a gurgle . As we turned around we saw that the man we had rescued had cut the other woman 's throat . He was smiling . He was covered in her blood , and he was smiling as he moved towards us . I froze . And because I froze so did the lady I started all of this with . Because she froze , he plunged a knife into her stomach . He did it almost as an afterthought . He was walking towards us , his eyes holding my own , he was nearly past her , she had stopped sooner than I did . Then his hand moved almost lazily to the side and I heard the sound of the knife plunging into her . His smile grew as he pulled it back out , his hand covered in gore as he sliced to the side . He made it two more steps towards me , a couple more and he would be close enough to kill me too , and still I stood . My fear had paralyzed me , he was nearly to me when he stopped with a look of confusion on his face . He should have made certain she was dead , or at least down for the count . Her pain woke her from my fear . Her kitchen knives were in his back . One in the middle , one looked to be in his kidney . As he fell her eyes locked on mine . I caught her before she hit the ground , I held her as she bled out , I cried as the light left her eyes , and I could no longer feel her presence . I 'm not certain how long I sat on the floor with her in my arms . Her blood pooled around me on the floor , his blood mingled with hers but I could not make myself move further away . I hear the doorbell but I need to finish this now . Whoever it is can come back later . It 's taken me two days to get this far , and I have yet to sleep . Maybe when I finish I will . I heard voices coming towards me . One man was talking on a cell phone , telling someone that we were free , that the others were dead , I was the only one remaining . I waited until he was off the phone , until he and the other men were closer , and then I sent them my rage . Their targets ? Each other . I sent my rage , my hatred , and my fear to all of them . The one with the phone suddenly turned to the man beside him and the phone went through his mouth . That was the only one to die quickly . As he turned to another , he turned his back to one and he suddenly lost a part of his spine . He collapsed and I watched him die . It took a while . The one holding the spine suddenly had a chair smash over his head . I lost track of what was happening for a little while as the remaining 5 men made each other bleed . When it was down to one , I put her gently on the floor , took up my knives and walked towards him . I sent him wave upon wave of trust , love , desire . By the time I was close to him he was rather randy . I let him watch as I cut it off . Then one of my knives went through his eye into his brain , he was dead before his scream fully materialized . I went and sat back with the lady , pulled her back onto my lap , and told her that they had paid for what they did to us and that I was going to take a short rest before I went home . I believe I passed out for a while . The next thing I remember is looking up and seeing the man that was my controller . I 'd never seen him before but I recognized his voice when he spoke . He tried to take her away from me . I screamed , loud . He reached into his briefcase and pulled out a needle . I know it was to calm me down but after everything I had just been through I was not going back into that room . No one would touch me again . This man would not get near enough ever again . As he came closer I gathered my strength , and flung her at him . It knocked him over , the needle went flying . By the time he got out from under her , the needle was in my hand , and then in his arm . He was out in moments . Had I left then I could have told my family what happened . They would have helped me deal with the repercussions , with the stress , and the fear . I would have spent the last two days with my sisters helping me to pack while my brothers went looking for a new place for me , something with enough security to please them . But I didn 't . I should have but I stayed . I took him to one of the empty rooms that we had passed , I didn 't think there would be enough time to put him through even half of what we went through but I wanted him to feel fear . So I put the cuffs on him , and a blindfold . The door closed , locked , just in case . In another drawer I found a gag , I didn 't want him to be able to distract me , to make me change my mind . I didn 't want to hear him beg . And then I waited for him to wake . It must have been a low dosage as he woke no more than an hour later , I think . I 'm afraid my sense of time has escaped me somewhat . He jerked awake , his screams muffled by the gag , his muscles straining against the cuffs . I spoke quietly to him . He had to stop screaming if he was to hear my words . He did for a moment , and then he realized what I was saying . The screams began again . As he thrashed , and pulled I slid a knife under his pants leg . He felt the cool metal and stopped moving . I think he was afraid that I might cut him . Up one leg at a time , at the top I allowed the blade to touch his manhood , gently but enough to make him scream in fear . As I cut his shirt off I turned the blade over and left a thin slice along his pectoral muscles , very lightly , it was barely there . But it made him shriek and I was beginning to enjoy his muffled sounds . That should have told me it was time to leave but I didn 't want to . After I disrobed him I began to broadcast my fear to him . He was already afraid and I made him terrified . I whispered softly to him , telling him what I wanted him to do , what I wanted him to feel . I told him what she had felt , what she had done , and I whispered that he would do so much more . I took control of his feelings , subtlety playing no role . I told him a story about what had been done to she and I from our perspectives . I told him a tale about how he was going to make it up to us . I could feel his resistance , his desire to break free from my control , and I laughed . And then I amplified it all twice again as much . I shattered him , and then … . then I released him from the bonds . I instructed him to harm himself . And he did as he was bid . He cut himself , so deeply that I could see bone , and sinew . He sliced his own legs so deeply that the muscles we no longer attached , he could not have stood , walked , run … nothing , and I was pleased . But still it wasn 't enough , and I was lost to my own madness . I took the knife back , and tied him back to the bed . I 'd been preventing him from feeling the pain so far . The pain would have given him strength to break my control and I could not allow that . As soon as he was bound tightly , I released my control including the pain suppression . He roared and then passed out . Somehow some sanity broke through . I could not leave him as he was , but I no longer desired to torture him . I picked up the knife and I slit his throat . Within moments I was bathed in his blood , and yet I stood there . I watched until there was no chance of life remaining . And still I felt unsafe . I lost what control I had regained and the next thing I recall his head was no longer attached to his body . His legs weren 't even in the same room . I left his hands bound as I pulled on a lab coat I found in a closet at the back of the room . I didn 't even try to wash up . Suddenly the fear was overwhelming me again . Any moment someone was going to walk through the door and I was never going to leave this place . I tried to school myself , control it . I couldn 't leave things as they were . Eventually someone would show up even if it wasn 't right now . If they didn 't call the cops , and I was fairly certain they wouldn 't , this would continue . They 'd do this to someone else . Some part of me knew that there were others still tied to their beds but they were dead already , even if they were still breathing . I couldn 't rescue them , and by the time I could get help I was positive that the people running this place would have killed them rather than move them . This was my rationalization . And so I went back to the kitchen , I went through the cupboards and I found alcohol . I poured some out down the hallway I had been in . I poured the rest down the hallway I would leave by , and over that man 's body . Then I went back and lit all the candles I could find . I put them by the trails of booze , by the oven . I sure hoped this was going to work , it did in the movies . I kept one candle with me and I went back to the kitchen to turn on the gas stove . I wasn 't sure candles would set it off but I was fairly sure that a fire would . As I got to the doorway leading to freedom I lit my candle , left the flame up on the lighter I 'd found , and tossed them both down the hall towards the booze . I peered out the door carefully . It was dark enough outside that I felt I could slip into the shadows unobserved . When I was a little a couple of blocks away I heard an explosion , I could see flames in the distance . What do you know , it worked . I still don 't know how I made it to the family home . Or even why I went that way at all . My place would have been closer , there would have been no risk of a family member spotting me had I just gone home . And well , here I am . Somehow I made it home from there . I am dreading Sunday . For the first time ever I am afraid to go to my family . I could lie to them . I could make up a story , something easy , light . Something with no blood , no pain , no death . I could . But I love them . I made a promise long ago , no lies . Not within the family . They all know what I can do , although they don 't know what I am capable of . They will though . It won 't be long and I will be alone , adrift , shunned . There 's the doorbell again . It 's being held down , that means it 's Jes and she won 't leave until she gets her way . I 'll go talk to her and then I 'm going to try to sleep . I close the book , check my makeup to be certain she won 't be able to tell anything , and go answer the door . It 's not just Jes , it 's Raven as well . She 's hoping I can help her out and this time she 's taking me with her . It doesn 't matter that I 'm exhausted , I 'll go and do my thing for my sister . I only hope I can control my emotions . I can 't exactly be broadcasting fear every time someone comes near me , touches me , invades my space … . crap . Jes comes back down the hall from the washroom and I tease her about falling in . She laughs and tells me it 's time I changed the lock on that door , that it tries to keep her in every single time . I tell her not to worry about that door , that I 'm going to start looking for a new place tomorrow . That this place is too big for just me . My sisters , the loves that they are , offer to help and as we head out we discuss what I 'm looking for in a new place . Raven insists that this time I get a place with a pool . As we get into the car we 're laughing , it very nearly drowns out the screaming in my head . |
I 've been writing stories for years . I think I 'm a good writer and I 'm willing to bet you 'll feel the same way . So here they are . Enjoy them , comment on them , tell your friends about ' em , reblog them , retweet them , reread them . I have four stories in my archive so far : " One day on the Mountain " , a story of Lycanthropy , a father , and a son . I have more stories tucked away ; they just need editing . There 's even a few novels . There will be more to come . PS . Feel free to leave a comment . I love comments . Tuesday , 26 April 2011 Anthony Caden Lewis was a fifth grade student at Kerrisdale Elementary . Each morning at seven thirty his nanny took him to the school care program . For a modest fee , five young men and women watched the kids and fed them snacks before and after school hours . That year Anthony was the oldest and largest child . Tag was forbidden because he hurt several children the previous year . So he made the third and fourth grade kids play poker for dollar bets . He got twenty dollars off Ryan Ling before Ryan 's parents complained . After he had to give the money back ( he 'd had to borrow from his dad because he 'd already spent half ) he played for toys , comics , and pokemon cards . At the end of the game - a bastardized form of poker with changeable rules - he 'd reach across the table and rake in his winnings . Sometimes the smaller kid tried to keep it from him and he 'd gash the kid 's ankle with his foot . He made a point of winning Ryan 's DS in two hands . He kept the loot in a schoolbag by his coathook and never checked it . He made a bet with himself that no one would ever get into his schoolbag , and it was a bet he always won . By the New Year he ran things . The supervisors were young and didn 't care as long as no one got hurt . Even the littlest kids got used to the new reality . One morning , a few minutes before the bell , a father walked in with a little boy and a tiny little girl of three . Anthony was hunting down a grade one French Immersion kid who wouldn 't give up his Bionicle . The Immersion kid darted out from the coatracks and Anthony thundered after him . He was average size during school hours , but in the care program he was gigantic . A large hand came out of nowhere and clotheslined him . His feet swung out from under him and he fell on his butt . When he looked up the little girl 's dad was standing over him . A week after the collision in the lunch room the after - care kids were at the jungle - gym . The school - day was over and Anthony and the smaller kids were playing grounders . When he tagged someone , he liked to grab the skin beneath pants and shirts and twist hard . The result was a commonplace bruise , but it hurt like hell . Cats hated it . Kids rarely complained about that sort of pain and he was good at it . Anthony was in the upper section of the jungle - gym , pretending to close his eyes , deciding who to hurt : the little blonde girl with the fat chest that looked sort of like adult tits or the new kid with the bowl cut who didn 't speak English . Across a set of guy - ropes was a plastic castle with ladders and steep metal slides . Going up and down those slides was the little girl from last week . He calmly traversed the guy - ropes over to where she stood , all the while looking away from her . The girl with the tits and the Mongoloid would have to wait . When the little girl was at the top of the slide , he planted a foot in her back and kicked out hard . She flew airborne like a bullet from a rifle and landed in the middle of the slide with an impact that shook the jungle - gym . She shot down the rest of the way with astonishing speed , became airborne again , met the ground with her face , and did a summersault before coming to rest on her back . He happily sat down on the slide and slid down after her . Before he was halfway down , the girl 's father was crouched beside her . The father looked at her for maybe a quarter of a second before he turned , rose to a height of what seemed eight feet high , and looked straight at Anthony . Anthony reached the bottom of the slide , leaned backwards , and shrank onto his side . Remembering this moment , he would reflect that he didn 't help things by appearing both vulnerable and quite guilty . The dad was a big man , slightly balding with a stubble that ran down into his neck . He had olive skin and dark deep - set eyes that were hard to read . Amid the screaming of the little girl , a dog barked , like a counterpoint , loud and frantic . " I - I was just playing , " said Anthony . Another terrible mistake . Should have played dumb . The master of the care program should not slip up this badly . " I was just playing , " said Anthony again . What was called ? A get - out - of - jail - free card . Every kid had one . He wanted one . Owf - owf ! OWF ! With each bark a tendon in the dad 's neck twitched . A supervisor approached . Rob , who could be counted on to be cool . He studied social work part - time . Anthony 's dad had told Rob to go into law ; it was the only thing worth taking these days . " I didn 't mean it , " said Anthony . He was still curled up on his side . The dad stared down at him and Anthony couldn 't move . The little girl stood and the dad turned and picked her up . She was quite blonde and looked nothing like the dad . Anthony 's eyes finally found the dog . Big black thing , with a blunt thick head and massive curly tail that whirled madly . It looked to the dad and bared its teeth in an attempt to smile . Far above them , something flapped great dark wings and croaked hoarsely . " Say you 're sorry , " said Rob , in a voice that hinted that he 'd done this for Anthony thousand times too many . Rob was not behaving himself . Was it something about that dad that made him that way ? The dad , who now held his daughter in one arm , looked like he wanted to say more . But the out - of - jail card had worked . A kid can do anything and say sorry . The dad turned and walked away . His son and dog followed . Rob left to check on the other children , and Anthony looked to see where the little Ling - Chingy snitch was going . After a a moment he saw Ryan ducking behind a tree . Hide all you want , thought Anthony . Me Chinese , me tell joke , me put pee - pee in your coke . His dad taught him that one . He walked towards the tree , warming up his hand . He was going to grab something through clothing , and this time it would be Ryan 's balls . The dad loomed over him . Broad shoulders and up close his skin was lined and looked almost bullet - proof . Anthony looked around frantically but Rob was a hundred feet away , talking on his walkie . " I predict I 'll be reading your name in the papers ten or fifteen years down the road . But that 's if they catch you . You look like a pretty slick guy . " Anthony went cold . He was only ten , and at that age even he believed most things an adult would say . The man 's words hung in the air like a pall of grey smoke , and the sounds of the playing children faded away to murmurs . The wind hissed through the trees and the dark came in from the east , and still Anthony did not move . Beyond his sick fear he was curious . This man knew what he was ? Even Anthony didn 't know that . Anthony nearly lost it . Principals , teachers , doctors , this dad after him . And he suddenly knew what the dad was talking about . A terrible memory had surfaced : one of his cousins crying over something small and dead ; Anthony 's mother crying as well . We can 't let daddy know . You can 't ever do this again . " Don 't act innocent with me . You think you can trick me , don 't you ? You 've been tricking people all your life . Your parents don 't want to know , and I don 't blame them . I don 't know what I 'd do if you were my son . You don 't care about anything , do you ? Not too long ago you 'd be strung up . You ever go near my kids again , I 'll find out where you live and I will burn down your fucking house . You 're a psychopath . " Anthony 's head snapped up straight . He had clumsy , unlovely features that made him look like a middle - aged boy . His eyes stopped shifting and looked like two raisins in pale dough . His face became still and calm , and he felt almost relieved . The dad smiled , but the smile didn 't come near his eyes . It was the rueful smile of a man whose saddest theories have come to pass . " Now that 's better , " said the dad . " No more masks . That 's your real face . Maybe they 'll offer you some help . I advise you to take it . You 'll be better off than if you cross me , my friend . We clear ? " If he 'd been older , he might have likened his state of feeling to a musical child who has first touched a piano . A trap of sorts had been pried open and the trigger set . Other children were nothing like him . Other children got mean and angry like him , but only for a moment . Anthony was nothing else but that moment . Now this dad , this bald , thick - faced jerk , had finally told him he was different . " Your smile looks weird , " said the dad . " While they 're trying to fix everything else , maybe they can fix that . And get a haircut . That greasy mop makes you look like a mental patient . " With that he walked off . A card dropped from his jacket pocket and Anthony didn 't bother to tell him about it . The little girl had her head buried in her dad 's shoulder . The older brother followed after without looking back and seeing Anthony watching . The dog limped ahead and peed on a tree . A huge lump sat on its chest near the armpit . Lumps grew on its belly . An old , heavy dog . Anthony picked up the card . Henry Morgan - Native art and design . World - renowned . A tidy , primitive design of what might have been a flounder in a pleasing red played beneath the dad 's name . http : / / www . henrymorgan . com / . Anthony put the card in his pocket , went back to the playground and played desultorily , feeling sulky and numb . He kept to himself so much even Ryan Ling emerged from his hiding spot and joined the other children . Anthony 's dad soon arrived , clapped Ryan on the back and drove him the four blocks home . It wasn 't really a bad word , or a bad thing . He was just missing something . The capacity to know right from wrong ? He knew the difference . He found one website with a series of mug shots - mostly white men , with greasy tangled hair and black motionless eyes . Black and brown ones must have existed too - but for some reason people remembered only the white ones , like it was always such a great surprise . Some of these guys had fan clubs ! But he couldn 't understand why : they got caught because they did stupid things like kill their moms . They burned down buildings . A few just walked into schools and shot a bunch of people and then shot themselves . The most famous killed lots of women and children and left bodies everywhere . Psyche meant breath , soul . Path just meant ability . Long ago someone had taken the word and pasted it on people like Anthony . There were tests that measured psychopathy , but only convicts took them . To put murderers , losers , dictators , CEO 's , and independent - minded bad - tempered boys such as Anthony under the same awful word was pointless . Other things he found that night : In many Caribbean islands , the population is so mixed that no one is black or white . Black means the colour of coal , or the absence of light . It means other things , but perhaps the term is unfair to all the shades . On the islands , each shade is give a whimsical term to explain a person 's colour - café , café con leche , India Clara . Black is no help . Psychopath is unfair and means nothing if used to describe a million dissimilar men and women . Anthony wanted a word , a term . That dad , whom Anthony hated , had recognized him but used too general a word . Henry Morgan might as well have called Anthony a boy . Just what was he ? He went to Henry Morgan 's website . Slick , well - produced . He was a member of a Native band that Anthony couldn 't begin to pronounce . He made small sculptures of soapstone , wood , sodalite , and glass - mainly animals such as ravens , bears , eagles , crows . He set his sculptures on stone bases or choice pieces of driftwood , affixed with a metal plate that held the title of the work . They were expensive and very rich people bought them . He kept thinking about the words , the titles , and thought Henry Morgan was being unfair . He probably thought long and hard about what he called his own creations , but he didn 't put too much care into naming the kid who pushed his daughter off a slide . And she was too young to have been there in the first place , Anthony thought . For a week he thought of nothing else . He wrote a paper about words that was five pages long and gave it to his teacher , even though the assignment had been on rainforests . It was about words , and how they mean one thing but end up responsible for a hundred different things . It 's easy to call someone a Hitler , or Hitler - like , a fascist , a psycho , a psychopath , gay , a fag , without thinking . But if the definition is wrong , the mistake often hurts the word as much as the person . The word becomes foggy , and all words suffered as a result . He got an A . His teacher wrote : I wasn 't expecting this , but it was interesting and passionate . Good Job , Anthony . I can see great things in your future if you pursue your interests like this . His teacher was a tall trim man with eyebrows neater and more narrow than the female teachers , and before the horror that occurred several weeks later he began to look kindly upon Anthony and pay special attention to him . I can see great things in your future . Take that , Henry Morgan . You don 't know what I am . I know what I am . I 'm something great , and I 'm going to show you . In celebration His dad took him out to the Cactus club that Friday . His mother said she wasn 't feeling well and stayed home . They went late , and all the waitresses wore short skirts , and tight , low - cut shirts , and his dad tipped like a king and they flirted with Anthony all evening . On Monday he come to school glowing and triumphant . Just before the morning bell he spotted Ryan Ling go into the bathroom . He followed him in , and when he got into the bathroom he made sure they were alone . Ryan was peeing in the urinal . Anthony walked swiftly up behind him and hooked his arm around Ryan 's neck and pulled him away . Piss sprayed in a frantic arc onto the floor and Ryan 's pants , and in some way Anthony couldn 't figure the mess made it better . He hissed in Ryan 's ear : " Lingy , don 't snitch on me . I 'll burn down your house , with you and your sister in it . You got that ? You got that , in case you get the urge to run your little Lingy mouth ? " He threw Ryan to the floor . He didn 't know for sure , but it could only have been the mother ; the woman looked just liked the little girl but in different colours . The mother was beautiful . Anthony never really thought of anything as beautiful , but this lady - long dark hair , dark lips that curved perfectly around straight white teeth , a chin like a scoop of ice cream . Tall , slender spare body , without all the pillows on top like his mom . Her body reminded him of the fancy metal spikes tomatoes crawl up in the garden . Best of all , she looked nice . So perfectly nice she 'd never imagine anyone near her bad , or unpleasant . He knew she was the type who saw evil on TV , but could never see it in front of her . To Anthony she looked like a world of good . He followed her home , and that way he learned where Henry Morgan lived . They had a fine house , but that wasn 't a surprise ; she wouldn 't belong anywhere else . He started to think of all the nice things she expected , and all the wonderful events in her life she might expect as her due , and he really tried not to be angry with her . Like him , she probably was defined by a single word that explained her perfectly . She drove a Volvo SUV , and when the mailman came by she said hello to him , as if she trusted that he would never look at her without permission . She took Anthony 's breath away , and he wondered about her Word again . Ryan was a Lingy - he just looked like it . Anthony didn 't know his own Word . But she was Beauty . Her Word was Beauty . He planned on learning her name soon , but that was secondary . He knew her word and as soon as he learned his , he could discover how all the Words ran together . " What 's with you ? " said his dad . " You 're jumpy , pally . You gonna write another paper ? Just say the word and you can use my computer all weekend . " Anthony didn 't like his dad getting like this . If his dad wimped out they 'd probably lose the house . Anthony knew he lived in a very expensive neighborhood . " You will take a phone with you . " " Of course , dad , I 'm not dumb , " said Anthony . He looked away . His father seemed to be in one of his sorrowful moods , and when he got like that he looked old , and an old dad is always so tiresome . After diner his dad took him to the library . He went inside and looked out the window . When his dad drove off , he left the library and cut across several alleys to get back to his own neighbourhood . The streets were deserted . He made it to the Morgan house in twenty minutes . The shades were up , which didn 't surprise him one bit . She probably felt she had nothing to hide . He gritted his teeth and sighed as he watched her bake , and then wipe down the table before making a small pot of tea . She walked out from the kitchen into the living room . The dog was on the couch , and next to the dog was the great , gleaming dome of the dad 's half - bald head . He was reading a book in front of the TV , and she sat down next to him and cuddled her feet in his lap . He reached down and began to rub her feet in a way that suggested he had done this a thousand times before . She smiled in pleasure , and Anthony nearly ran screaming home . She spoke to the dad , her face frowning . Anthony frowned with her , remembering that he 'd just seen her rooting around the fridge . The dad put his newspaper down and rose , walked to the door , and put on his coat and shoes . An enormous furry back appeared , the tangled curly tail wagging back and forth , but he patted the dog 's head and shook his finger . The dad then opened the door and walked outside . The dad walked downhill . Anthony was already across the street , hiding behind a car . He shadowed him and the dad never once looked over his shoulder . What Word was this man ? Anthony wandered . Father , guard . Knower - perhaps that was it . Anthony followed him down the hill until they both came to a place where the streetlamps were off and the houses , large and crystal - white , were stark and empty . Anthony reached into his knapsack . Anthony had found the axe on the grounds of an abandoned house . It was heavy but it was also long , and perfect for the height of a boy of ten . He held the handle by the end , in both hands , and he swung it overhead in a long , whistling path through the hair . The dad only looked , perhaps not afraid , or so surprised that he had no time to decide to be frightened . The head of the axe struck him straight on the forehead with a dry whack and he fell backwards . Anthony nearly fell over and the axe flew from his hand and flew into the dark with a clatter . He ran off and fetched it up in his numb hands . He ran back , the axe raised high . The crotch of the dad 's pants were soaking wet , and vomit with bits of spaghetti mixed in flowed from his mouth . Great gouts of blood pulsed from his forehead and down his face . But his eyes were open and one stared frantically at Anthony while the other roamed around on its own and then travelled upwards and disappeared . Anthony put down the axe and soberly watched . When his heart stopped hammering he knelt down beside the man , careful to keep away from those knowing , powerful hands . " Tell me . Just one word and I 'll leave you to … get on with it . Whatever you 're gonna do . Just tell me . " There was no reply , so he said : " I 'll kill your kids . There 'll be nothing left except crying grandmas . Tell me what I am ; tell me the Word or I 'll kill them . " He was quiet for the next two weeks , just quiet and he let the wailing in the halls wash over him , and watched all the moms and dads who now walked the kids to school . The dictionaries and history books were a great help , and he wrote down many words . All words had roots , from Latin and Greek and the Saxon langauges . Words from Latin and Greek roots were often long and important , words from the Saxon roots were often only three characters in length and frank as anything . Some books were flowery and full of latin - style words , and others just used short words . Anthony took a few home from the library and read them - one was about some silly old Russian college professor with no teeth , but it was funny and full of big words that Anthony had to write down and look up . Another was a short book , like the words it used , about a wrinkly old man who catches a massive fish only to lose it bit by bit to the sharks before he reaches the shore . That one he read in one night and couldn 't stop thinking about all those little three and four letter words , but they painted the sun , and the sea , and those white - bellied sharks . He wrote down a bunch of words from the book , and thought more than a few might be Words . Rope . Cut . Line . Used in the right order , they almost glowed on the page , as old as the paper was . But the books didn 't tell him his Word . I know what you are . Henry Morgan had spoken those words and Anthony came into his life . What was Anthony 's Word ? Henry Morgan made things and titled them . Somewhere in his house he must have written what Anthony was , either in paper or embossed on metal . His funeral was held across town . Anthony took the bus over and shadowed the procession into the graveyard . The graveyards was ten blocks long , and full of thick trees and ancient gravestones big enough to hide behind . Anthony was able to sneak within fifty feet of the burial . The mother had her sunglasses on and she looked ten years older . Anthony expected the sunglasses , and he knew she 'd look a little older from all that shock . How could this happen to me ? - that was what Anthony imagined she 'd be thinking about now . That and missing her husband , and worrying about how her kids were going to grow up . Dads are useful as long as they don 't run afoul of the wrong people . The dog was right there beside her and the two kids . It sat like a massive chunk of coal on the grass , occasionally twitching and dispelling the illusion that it was all one piece with no limbs , and once , and only once , it craned its head back and for a long time looked towards Anthony . He wanted to wave his hands , but that might have distracted it , made it stand , and the mother might have looked back and seen Anthony . That would ruin everything . The mother was beautiful even in grief , and Anthony spoke her Word over and over again . The rollers and the nylon bands began to move and the casket sank into the earth . The mother suddenly grabbed her children close to her and they all shook as the last gleam from the varnish dimmed and lowered . The dog stood and wagged its tail desperately , and pushed its nose in between the boy 's cheek and the mother 's arm , and the boy stood back and allowed the dog to join his family 's embrace . Among the sobs came the soft keening of the dog 's cry . " He did , " she said tonelessly . " Did you know him ? " He was happy to see that she did not smile . Death should have changed her a little . " Really ? " she said . She stood and brushed the dirt from her pants . " I didn 't know that . Everyone is telling me all these nice things about him that I never knew . I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop , you know ? I 'm waiting for the bad things . But they never come . I was lucky , I guess . " She turned away , breathed deeply for several moments , and turned back . " What did he tell you ? " " That sounds like him . He loved to read books . He 'd read anything . I used to get offended because I thought he was shutting me out . But now I 'd give anything to see him read again . . " She began to sob . " I just can 't think that any day I could walk by whoever did this and not know it . " " He liked to read trash , and then he 'd spend an entire summer reading something old and complicated . I used to think it made him feel smarter than everyone else to read a book by Dostoyevsky , but I forgive him for that now . What 's your name ? " " When someone dies , " she said , " you must try to remember the good things . Every day I cry and think of all the things about him that used to make me mad . What meant so much at the time turned out to mean nothing . Remember that . When you 're mad at your mom and dad , think of all the good things they do and say instead . If there 's one thing I 've learned , it 's to never take anyone for granted again . " He must have know you needed someone to talk to . He was like that . He was very quiet but you could always count on him . Would you like to see some pictures of him ? I 've … I 've had the albums out a lot . The old pictures and all the ones on the computer . Would you like to see them ? " The house was slightly messy , as if someone had to leave in a rush . By the ancient couch a stack of books and magazines lay on a coffee table , and on the floor were old children 's books . From upstairs came the thump of playing children . He almost stepped on the sleeping mountain that was their old black mutt . It woke , looked at him sleepily , a skin tag hanging down into its eye , and then went back to sleep almost instantly . Henry 's sculptures were everywhere ; all dark and etched by some precise metal tool . He walked closer to them to see if any walked on two legs . One did , but it was fishing and Anthony had never fished . She ran upstairs and called to the children to play a bit more . When she came back down again , she was bearing a laptop and an armful of photo albums , and he was on the couch . " I 've got juice - packs in the fridge . Would you like some ? " When they were settled on the couch ( juice for him and wine for her ) , she opened the laptop and the albums . Anthony looked at far too many photos and he had trouble remembering them all . He saw that Henry Morgan once had more hair , that the two children had once been small , and that the older brother used to be an only child before the daughter came along . Otherwise , he saw an endless parade of trips , grandparents , a great - grandma in a hospital bed looking so old and demented to seem almost inhuman , a past dog now long dead , and some ancient photos of when Clara Petrovic and Henry Morgan were in university . In those oldest photos they looked so young and fresh they barely seemed older than Anthony himself . Anthony hummed occasionally , said wow in all the right spots . " You know , Anthony , " said Clara Morgan . " I like you . I can see why Henry singled you out . " " You 're polite ; you know how to listen . You 're a respectful young gentleman . My mother would have been all over you . I think that if Henry had known someone like you when he was growing up , he would have been jealous . You 're very self - possessed . " Remembering something his father often said , Anthony said , " You give me far too much credit . " He couldn 't remember exactly what it meant , but it often had a magical effect . Credit , used in this context , was a Word . He knew he was right when Clara smiled . " He had thousands of books . I 'm drowning in books and sculpture . . I can 't keep them all the books , just the ones that mean something . I 'm sure he 'd have wanted you to have some . " She waited a few seconds , and then said , " If he 'd known what was going to happen . " " They 're all around . They take up more room than everything else . Come take a look . " She was right . Henry Morgan went to second - hand bookstores every day , ordered rare editions off the internet , and made a point of pride to never pay more than thirty dollars for a book now matter what it was . He 'd made most of the upstairs walls bookcases , and the bedroom ( so Clara told Anthony ) was almost completely taken over by homemade shelves , and rough stacks that grew like weeds on the floor . Old - fashioned books on grammar and etiquette , oral railroad histories , spines where the titles were only a little darker than the jackets and the letters in Byzantine fonts . Anthony looked for books on magic , lexicography , lexigraphy , murder , hunting , genocide , dictators , psychology . Anything that might give a hint . She took him to Henry 's studio in the basement . Tools in neat racks , calendars for Henry 's shows , books of animal photos , a dreamcatcher in one of the low windows , antlers and what looked like an old wolf hide on the wall , a single eagle feather on his raked desk where Henry sketched his sculptures before he moved on to the wood , chisels , mallets , hammers , at least ten sizes of planes , a folio of sanding paper that graded down to an almost impossible level of fineness . There was no recent work that had even the beginning of a boy 's shape . An idea that might portray Anthony was not here in this room . Anthony had no interest in art and he didn 't want to look at Henry 's workshop anymore . He followed Clara upstairs again , pretending to listen to her talk all about Henry 's life , and searching for anything Henry might have said in the days before he died . " Tara , Casey , " said Clara . " Introduce yourselves to Anthony . " To Anthony she said : " I 'm not going to point out rudeness right now . Not after what 's happened . I 'm sorry they 're staring at you … Come on , now - shake his hand . " After more cajoling from Clara they finally shook his hand . Afterwards they stared at him with great moon eyes . " I 've heard about you two , " he said to them . " Anthony 's going to be coming around for a little while , " said Clara . " Daddy had so many books , and he would have wanted Anthony to have a few . Just a few , Casey . " " Daddy had thousands of books . Some of them are old . He didn 't even read a lot of them ; he just liked having them around . Other people might like them . You can 't keep them all in your room , Case . " " Tara , " said Clara . " you never had an interest in them until just this second . My goodness , you two - there 's enough to go around . We 'll always have them with us . But daddy would have wanted the world to enjoy them too . You do understand , don 't you ? Now let 's go downstairs for a snack . God know you haven 't been eating well . " Anthony didn 't mind , but he could not stop thinking about what Casey might be hiding in his bedroom . Children 's books , adventure ? Or perhaps he gotten up late at night to pee , and seen Henry Morgan poring over a particular book and making notes . If you wanted a piece of your dead daddy , then wouldn 't you want that book ? Even if you didn 't understand a word of it , that would be the book you 'd want . And what if Casey learned Anthony 's Word ? That made Anthony think of the axe . But only as a threat at first . He wouldn 't made the same mistake as he had with Henry Morgan . If he couldn 't find the Word in the books Casey had taken , then he would have to get the axe out from its hiding place . It was up in the nook of a tree . Casey had been warming up to him . Tara had nearly but not quite forgotten about being pushed down the slide . But the slightest shadows still would dance over her face when he entered the Morgan household Clara was Beauty ; Casey was Inert . Anthony 's dad was a Litigator . Little Tara - well , she might be special . Had Tara and Casey 's ages been reversed , things might have been different . She was smart , bright like a hard and bumpy ball of tinfoil , and she 'd never quite accepted Anthony . He might have been insulted had he not known that was her nature . Anthony suspected her Word might be Leader . That was fine for him because she was only three . A inquisitive and advanced three , but still only a little girl who had been toilet - trained for less than six months . All it took to get her flustered was to hover by the bathroom door near the stairs , and the way from her room to the upstairs and downstairs bathrooms was blocked . When she wet herself she wasn 't a Leader anymore . " Some of them . I got a book on ocean fish he always used to read to me also , and a book on dogs . He loved dogs and he wanted me to love them too . " Anthony grabbed Casey 's arm and sunk his fingers deep into the muscle . Since he 'd learned about Words he 'd noticed great flexing ridges appear on his forearms . He was growing down there as well - thickness , length , all accompanied by kingly curls of gold - tinted hair . He 'd become taller and stronger , and his dad had joked that he could now take on the old man . " Listen to me , Casey , " said Anthony . He relaxed his face muscles and showed Casey his real face . Anthony had seen it in the mirror . He had a heavy face , with a broad nose and thick lips , and when he let his concerns go , his face took in his true character - blank , like the shiny , smooth surface of a screen . His mouth hung flatly and his eyes lost their colour and became dark still pools . How many people had died seeing a face like this ? " I don 't want to hurt you . But you keep stonewalling me . Your father might have written down something very important in those books . I 've looked through the other books - but they 're not the right books . But you might have the right books . All I need to see is if he 's written down one word . If you don 't help me here … look at how things are right now . " " Your mother is asleep . She goes to sleep every afternoon while your at school , and she puts Tara in front of the TV so your sister won 't wander off into the road and get herself killed . But she 's awake when Tara 's in preschool . A man from down the street comes over when your mom is alone in the house , Casey . He comes over and he plays your dad 's guitar , and he brings her lots of stuff to drink so she 's silly when she picks up you and Tara from school . In two months this man 's going to come live in the house . He 's going to bring his own kids with him , and they 're going to take your father 's money , and the money your mom will inherit from your grandma . This man has two teenage boys . The next time grandma visits they 're going to slip something in her drink that will slowly kill her , and no one will ever find out . And when this man and his sons have your mother drunk all day , they 'll turn to you and Tara . Because you 'll be in the way of this man . He wants the money and your mom all to himself , so she can cook and clean for his sons . I could stop him but thats up to you . " " There is nothing you can do , Casey . All you 've got is me , and I 'm getting angry with you . All I want is a little help . I can 't decide what I want to do , Casey . I don 't know whether to stay , or leave and let the man come . Him and his boys - they 'll want these bedrooms , of course . They 're not gonna sleep on the couch . The boys will have you and Tara 's bedrooms , and the man will sleep with your mother . Soon it will be his room though , Casey , if you don 't let me into your room and let me see the books . " " I don 't want the man to come here , " cried Casey . He started to sob bray , and fell to the floor clutching his face . " Help us , Anthony . Help us stop the man . " " Your mother already loves him , Case . She 'll never even admit she knows him , not until the time is right - no matter how much you scream and cry . He 's told her to tell you nothing until he comes into the house . He 'll make you carry his suitcases . But I won 't help you if you don 't show me your father 's books . " The books Casey had picked for himself formed a small stack in the corner . Anthony guessed Casey had never read them , and only kept them around to make himself feel better . About twenty books - comics , a few graphic novels that were surprisingly adult ( " He told me I could read them when I was older , " Casey said ) , and about five godamn books on dog breeding . Even if the dog books were written by different people , they were all the same - colourful , old - timey paintings of dogs in show - poses , with glistening pelts and muzzles pointed skyward , and looking nothing like the shambling old mutt that now slept by Clara 's bed . Beside each painting was a description , in categories , of each respective dog . Withers , muzzles , bitches , sires , champions - it was pointless . Naming exercises for old biddies and fags . The books showed Anthony nothing . " I don 't know , " said Casey . " I don 't know ! " He plugged his fingers into his eyes and nearly dug them out . By now Anthony knew a few things about limits - when a boy starts to finger his eyes , he 's gone . He 's escaped somewhere he thinks is safe . He 's of no further use . " You need your sleep , Casey . If we 're going to fight that man , we need rest . I 'm going to go home and eat a good meal . " On the way out , he saw Dory poking around his schoolbag . " You wanna see what 's in here ? " he said . " Huh ? " Dory wagged his tale , and Anthony reached into the bag and brought out a steak that he had slit open and packed with chocolate chips . Dory happily took the steak and ran off to quietly eat it in his favourite corner . Chocolate was mildly toxic to dogs , and he would have the runs all night . Dory had been Henry 's , and Anthony wanted Clara to see that Dory was becoming a burden . He left another piece of chocolatey meat on the front porch as he left . He went home , and finally he thought of it . He thought of a plan - how to find the Word , have Clara all to himself , and get those kids out of the picture . When he 'd fleshed out the details , the Word just came to him . What a fool he 'd been to wait for his naming ! The Word was right there - flapping its giant black wings in the trees , in statues all around town staring at passers - by with hollow carved eyes . Henry had made a number of the things - to a great many native cultures it was a legendary , powerful Word . He wasn 't a psychopath , or a mad boy . He would be eternal , and sit above all else , still and black , with glittering , unreadable eyes . He would always exist and he was as natural as a sharp rock hidden on the beach . Raven . He repeated the word a hundred times , first silently with his mouth , then within his mind . That night he felt down towards the furor between his legs and craned his mouth blackly towards the ceiling and tried to sing a song without words . His mother and father remained asleep , so he crept , snickering and giggling all the way , down to the kitchen and helped himself to a few things . Saturday morning . He 'd arrived at the Morgan house and discovered that Clara had started drinking without him . He brought out the wine bottle from his bag and set it on the kitchen island . The rest of his things he kept hidden . " Anthony , you are a one , " she said . " I can 't tell you how understanding you 've been to me during this time . A lot of men would pay money to take lessons from you . And for a ten year - old boy you have such fine taste in wine . " " But that 's not all , " she continued . " Casey 's behaviour has improved since you 've been coming to the house . It 's hard to believe you don 't have an ulterior motive . " She smiled at him , and for a moment he thought she might lick her lips . She looked at him . Then she laughed , throwing her head back and showing her lithe strong throat and her straight teeth . He felt so excited he was nearly sickened , and he also felt younger than his ten years . " Oh Anthony , " she said . " What on earth were you thinking ? " she said . " You 're only a boy . A very sophisticated boy , but that doesn 't mean much . " She paused drunkenly for a moment , her brow furrowing , and here shoulders began to heave . She said : " It 's me who was misguided . I let my demons get the better of me , Anthony . I started drinking , and you brought me wine just to please me . I led you on . I 'm sorry - what 's happened to me ? Is this what happens when my husband dies - I start manipulating any male that walks in the door ? That 's great , " she snarled , " I 'm batting five hundred now . My mother is laughing at me from her grave . " She began to cry , louder she 'd ever before , and he thought she was more upset that when Henry had died . She had finally realized how bad things had gotten . He decided to give her something else to worry about . He felt as the Raven might feel : a giant wingspan shot through with hollow delicate bones . He could imagine her giving birth to each child , the cords on her neck in relief , screaming , and she was terrifying . A mad woman giving life to rage . " He warned me not to , " said Anthony . " He said he 'd kill my parents . And he 'd kill you . That 's why I 've been coming here . " " Yes , " he said quietly . " I didn 't want anyone else killed . He said he 'd kill your kids if I told anyone . I believed him . " " A man . Just a man . He knows where I live . I don 't know who he is . He watches us every day . There 's no point in calling the police . He 'd just go into hiding and kill us one by one , no matter where we hide . " Carefully , and wondering whether he had ruined everything , he said : " He hit Henry in the head with an axe . Just once . I was coming back that night from the library . I tried to run , but he caught up with me . Once he made me tell him my name , he let me go . But when I left for school that morning , he was there . After school , the same thing . One day he told me to visit you and be your friend . I think he was looking for something . " " White guy . He was older … I don 't know how old he was . He always wears fancy clothes , and he drives a beemer . He looked a bit like a lawyer . He said he had it all planned out . He said he wanted all of Henry 's money . " " Henry 's lawyer . Our lawyer . He 's always been so nice to us , and he 's always been so nice to me . Giles has always been so respectful . But … , " and she looked upwards . He wanted to give her another glass of wine so she would be faster at coming up with stupid things that helped him . " He 's been even nicer since Henry died . And he knows everything . He knows how much Henry was worth , and he knows about the insurance policy . He knows exactly how much I 'll be worth . On his invoices he bills for less than half the hours he worked for me , and he says he 's doing it out of respect for Henry . I can 't believe I didn 't think of it before ! I always assumed Henry was killed by a junkie , or he was murdered because he saw someone committing a crime . I never assumed it was someone we knew . " " Giles lives nearby , " she said faintly . She went to the kitchen island and poured herself another class . She drank half in one swallow and topped the glass up again . When she returned she smelled heavily of wine . " What do I do , Anthony ? What if it 's him ? He 's a lawyer . He plays golf with the chief of police . I can 't prove a thing . All I 've got in the world is you . " " If he kills you , I don 't know what I 'll do , Anthony . You 've been my only friend in all this . All the women in the neighbourhood act like I 've got a disease and they might catch it . I 'll be all alone - he could just walk in the door and say I 'm his , and I don 't think I 'd be strong enough to do anything about it . " " My mother always told me I was no good without a man , Anthony . I 've spent tens of thousands of dollars in therapy , because she used to tell me I 'd latch on to any man , and if I was with a man I 'd latch on to one who was taller , or richer , more handsome . But this time , Anthony , I swear I never did anything ! I never cheated on Henry , not ever , and I never led Giles on . I don 't know what I would have done to make him think he had a chance . Or maybe I was leading him on and couldn 't help it , because I 'm that way and I 'll never change . And now you - you 're a boy , and I 've got you defending me like you 're a white knight . It 's all my fault , Anthony ! Henry 's dead because of me ! I killed him ! " She leaned over , almost falling . " Someday you will make a girl very happy , " she said . Her breath was sweet and warm , and he breathed it in and envisioned a raven perched atop a giant beached ship . She turned around , and he reached into his bag and brought out the cut oak branch . He tapped her , very judiciously , on the top of the head , and she reached up , groaned , and then fell to the floor and lay still . For a horrible moment her breath stopped and he nearly fled the house . Then it started up again in long , wheezing snore and she hummed for a moment before falling into a deep sleep . He leaned over , kissed her on the lips , and gripped a tit in each hands and roughly shook them . Then he firmly gripped the oak branch and walked upstairs towards the sounds of the children . Casey had to go first . He walked into the boy 's room and found him reading some of Henry Morgan 's books on dogs . Casey looked up and said , " Anthony ? " Anthony hit him harder than he had hit Clara . But the branch missed and hit him on the shoulder , and making sure to remain near the door , Anthony had to chase the screaming boy about the room before catching him once on the head , which slowed him down , and then twice more . He dragged Casey out to the hall and laid him facedown . Last night he 'd chosen several knives from his mother 's gourmet set . He 'd used the knives when he got then to the bathtub , where it would all end . Then evidence would have to be tracked , handles to be wiped clean . The vacuum cleaner , wipes , bleach , bags , lots and lots of duct - tape . He 'd planned it all . He ran at her hard , hitting the door before she could back away and close it . The door 's edge struck her in the temple and she flew backwards , screaming . He burst inside and straddled her and she wet herself . Her platinum hair was nearly see - through over her beet - red forehead as she screamed and screamed , and he grabbed a blanket off her bed and threw it over her face . The blanket was thin enough to fit between her teeth and he stuck a big hunk in there and struck her little head several times with the stick . She stopped screaming , convulsed once or twice , and then was still . He through the blanket off and looked at her face , noted her red - hot body , and dragged her out to the hall . The bathtub for both of them . Grab the hair and bend back the head until the throat is bared and the skin stretched like a warm elastic band . Then he would cut . He almost , but not quite , wanted to take a picture . It occurred to him that he was dead tired . Somewhere out there in the world were men who with their bare hands killed hundreds a day ; he supposed men like had felt fatigue at first and then became accustomed , and noted all the ways a person meets death . The sounds , the begging , hisses , gagging , snoring , begging , or somtimes staring straight ahead with impatience . How do the old , the young meet death ? Most importantly , how do the beautiful meet death ? Ask yourself questions like that all the time and killing might not make you so tired . He got a drink of water from the bathroom and wandered back into Casey 's room . The books on dog breeds were touchingly spread out on the bed . Where was that stupid lump Dory , speaking of dogs ? He would burn all of Henry Morgan 's books when he had the time . He saw the edge of one book under Casey 's pillow and he pulled it out . Yet another breeding book , the same as the others . Why did Casey keep this particular book under his pillow ? He opened it . Henry Morgan had made notes in the margins on all the dogs that bore any resemblance to Dory . The Black Labrador , the Newfoundland , the Portuguese Water Dog , the Flat Coat Retriever . Even the Golden Retriever had been noted . Anthony threw down the book and it fell open to the inner side of the back cover , which was blank . Henry had covered it in tiny , clear script , both pages . What is Dory ? We volunteered at the shelter for a year because we wanted just a dog to prepare us for kids , and so in his way he was our first child . All the other dogs in the shelter were too dirty , too savage , too unpredictable . I suppose there was a reason why they were in a shelter . We came upon this great gangling black beast with diarrhoea and a muzzle covered in sores . When we walked him we knew right then he would be coming home with us . We thought he was a sweet elderly dog , but he was merely starved and ill . He got younger once he got regular meals . He might have been only eighteen months old . We 'll never know for sure . He loves to run and swim , and chase balls . He 's never cared to hunt , but he 'll go after coyotes , gulls , crows - the meaner , scavenger species - but he can walk by a flock of chickadees and starlings and not even blink . He will defend the house but Tara has sat on his head for ten minutes and he 'll just lie there and do nothing . He doesn 't conform to any breed , but he has to be something . His fur is too perfectly black , and his head and body too symmetrical , and he doesn 't possess that blurriness you see in mixed - breeds , although that observation is on my part likely pure anthropomorphism . He came house - trained , and able to sit on command , as though he came from a secret ranch that invented his breed , trained him , and was about to send him off to a reclusive millionaire 's island before he escaped and landed in the pound . He was a perfect dog , and when the kids were born he backed away and accepted his loss in status without ever complaining . When I come home and he 's sleeping , I sometimes wonder if he 's been defending us from terrible dangers while we 've been out , and never resents that we 'll never know . He 's old now , and sleeps most of the time . I wish I knew what he was and where he came from . The only way I can honour him is to sculpt him . He has none of the mythical qualities of the wild animals - he 's no bear , or dogfish , or beaver or wolf or coyote . But he 's something , and if I have to name him , in order to put down a breed that has existed in one instance , then that 's what I 'll do . The work will have Dory 's name on it , and a word that best describes him . That 's one thing I 'll do before the old guy dies . And where would it be ? thought Anthony . Tara is too young to appreciate art . Anthony looked up on Casey 's shelf , and there it was . It was made of some sort of black stone . It had black empty eyes , like the wooden ravens seen on totem poles , and it was on all fours , with blunt ears and rounded legs , to accommodate the single piece that was its body . It had been mounted on a slab of beachwood so that it seemed to be mounting the crest of hill or dune , and pausing to watch for something . On the slab was a plate , with letters stencilled in capitals . Anthony climbed onto the bed , put down the oak stick , and reached up with both hands and grabbed the wooden totem dog . The first word was Dory 's name . The second word was below . Anthony turned . Dory , the dog of indeterminate breed whose origin his owner had long searched for , stood in the doorway . Perhaps ten years old , he was covered in lumps and strange skin tags that are the province of big old dogs . It bared its teeth , and Anthony saw that it was angry , and perhaps a bit ashamed that it had let things get this bad . An old dog ; seventy in human years . Every day it had done its job , and then the Raven came , the little boy with the strange helmet - hair of insanity , and killed the master . So now Dory had come to the door to do what was right . It charged . Anthony leaned down and tried to grab the oak stick . He got his hands on it , but Dory bit down on it and pulled . Thinking it was his only chance , he never let go of the stick . He weighed one hundred pounds . Dory weighed one hundred and twenty , and had a long , thick neck . He pulled the boy off the bed and both of them crashed to the floor . Anthony broke something in his hand and he let out of high scream . A great tumour bulged out from Dory 's armpit as he quickly stood and grabbed Anthony 's thigh in his jaws . He bit down , and Anthony moaned sickly , already in shock , and looked for the stick . The dog 's growling had brought out some ancestral memory , and all he could think of was the huge , cracked brown teeth in its mouth as Dory let go , straddled his legs , and bore down on him . Dory breathed hot , stinking gusts of air on him , and then he had Anthony by the throat . He sniffed their faces , and waited for them to wake up . Gradually a time of peace drifted through the house . The two children began to stir and Tara let out a sick yell . Downstairs , Clara woke and clutched her head , then stumbled upstairs . When she saw the two children lying near the stairs , she forgot her pain and rushed to them . Dory looked up and wagged his tale . She took Tara to her bed and called the police . When Tara was under the cover , she gathered up her six year - old son and carried him to her room . When she came for Casey , she saw Anthony lying dead on the floor . Gore from his torn throat had soaked into the carpet and Casey 's hair clung to the oak stick by his body . She screamed and carried Casey into her room and put him in bed beside his sister . She locked the door against Dory , who seemed to understand and remained on the floor , looking ashamed as only dogs do . Clara called the police . The police came thirty seconds later , knocked once , and then broke down the door . Two constables came in with guns drawn . They secured the bottom floor and ran upstairs . Dory , dead tired and not feeling all that well , greeted them by vomiting a pool of blood on the carpet . Clara opened the door from Tara 's bedroom and screamed at them . She smelled of alcohol and looked insane , and she frightened the cops more than when they found Anthony 's body . Clara couldn 't speak , but only cradled her two children until the ambulance came . The police thought she had beaten her children and killed a ten year - old boy . When the wine wore off she told them as much as she knew . They impounded the dog , who went with them silently . They put him in a cage , where he had once been found when he was barely full grown , and he settled down on the concrete , not expecting much . He waited two days , sickening , and began to pace . On the morning of the third day , when he was lying in his own urine , the door opened and Casey came running in . The door to the cage opened and he staggered out . Clara took him home but he never got better . A week later , under the grieving gaze of Anthony 's mother and father , who had taken to parking their camper outside the Morgan home , the vet came to Clara 's door . Clara had taken Dory to the back deck . He was dehydrated and breathing in short , tiny gasps , and as the vet approached and said soothing words , his tail thumped on the boards twice and then fell silent . Casey had the carving of Dory in one hand , and Tara held his other hand as the vet put the needle in Dory 's neck . Afterwards Clara and the vet wrapped the big dog in a blanket and hefted him into the back of Clara 's van . Clara and her children drove Dory away . Casey had left his father 's carving on the front step when he locked the door . It stood on its slab of beachwood , its outsize empty eyes looking over the front lawn . A few crows gathered in the branches , watching the hunched thing warily . A raven came , the great black bird apart from the crows , looked at the stone statue with its carved teeth , let out a deep squawk and flew off towards the river , never to return . |
The branches of the tall pines and maples swayed back in fourth in the powerful wind . They reached out over the water , leaving a nice shadow for us to park our little fishing boat under . " Damn it ! Almost had him ! " Jerry shouted aloud . " That 's the third bite you 've had today , yet you still can 't catch anything , " I laughed in response , pulling my rod back before whipping it forward to send the bait flying . It was a nice and sunny noon , aside from the dark towering clouds rising over the horizon . We only had one bass in the cooler in the middle of the boat , one I had caught about 40 minutes earlier . The wind was growing more and more powerful , making it hard to cast and making the waves rock the boat . Thunder rumbled in the distance , and Jerry turned to me with a frown . " We better get back to the cabin ; we don 't want to get stuck out here in a bad thunderstorm , " he said to me , his shaggy brown hair waving around like a flag . I laughed at the sight and nodded my head in agreement ; as Jerry started up the trolling motor . We were decently far from his house , so it took about 15 minutes to get there from our fishing spot . It was sunny in the direction we were heading ; but behind us , darkness loomed . Once we arrived I saw Jerry 's brother Robert relaxing on the porch in front of the cabin , reading a book . This surprised me , as I had always known Robert as the less intelligent one , and not one to read books . He set it down and came to help us dock the small vessel in a little slip . " Any luck ? " he asked . " The only bite I had was a nice bass . Your brother on the other hand , had three bites but couldn 't reel one in , " I responded . " Oh well , we can still skin and fry that bass for some food tonight . " We got off the boat and Jerry and Rob headed up the stairs into the porch , whilst I stayed down on the porch to clean the bass . As I worked , I watched the almost - black storm grow and take over the blue sky . The storm moved quickly , and seemed to come out of nowhere . This morning there hadn 't be " The National Weather Service has issued a severe thunder storm warning for the following counties … " It named almost every county in the state , and then followed to say the storm was also in a multitude of other states nearby . " Be prepared for strong winds , heavy rain , flooding , and lightning . There is also a slight chance of hail and tornadoes . " " Jesus , we are going to get slammed , " Jerry 's eyes had widened as he listened . " Yeah it looks like the damn apocalypse is coming out there , " I laughed . We debated driving back to town , but decided not too , as we would probably get caught by the storm in the long ride back . More and more thunder rumbled , and I stepped out unto the porch to watch the dark clouds engulf the sky above us . Lightning flashed around the cabin , and it was starting to rain now . The wind was making the boat bounce back and forth between the sides of the dock . I just hoped our knots would keep it attached . The slanted rain began to shoot the screen covering of the porch , soaking me and the furniture . The wind pushed it hard , and it was painful getting hit by it . It felt like little pricks or air - soft bullets . I heard back inside , with little red dots on my arms and face . The wind was so violent it began to shake even the thick oaks surrounding the land around us . This lake and the area around the cabin was heavily wooded with big trees . Now all of them were shaking , and I was afraid one would come crashing down on us any second . The rain grew so heavy that I couldn 't even see past the porch . Sal and Olivia were cuddled up on the couch , and me Rob , and Jerry were discussing the storm in the kitchen . " I 've never seen anything like this before , this could cause some serious damage to the house . Hell , the dock is probably broken off by now . Dad is going to be pissed , " Jerry laughed . His laugh was interrupted by a bright flash and loud clap of thunder . The flow of lightning and torrential rain continued throughout the day . The power would flicker constantly but never entirely go out . The weather radio just continued to repeat itself , updating with new tornado alerts for new counties every now and then . It showed no signs of slowing down so we just put in a funny movie and all sat down to enjoy it . It was hard to hear over the thunder and wind , and we would be constantly interrupted by the power outages . By the time we finished , it was around 10 at night and we all decided to go to sleep . There were only 3 roomsI walked into the living room , seeing Robert down on the dock , observing the damage . I went out to meet him . A huge pine had fallen into the lake , and another one was leaning on an oak tree . If that oak hadn 't had been there , it would have crushed the cabin . Luckily the dock was hardly damaged , and the boat was still attached . I had the best carrier out of everyone here , so my phone was the only one with barely enough data to call anyone . I handed him my phone and he turned it on . " That 's weird , it says you have no bars , " he handed it back to me . " Yeah … maybe something happened from the storm . I 'm going to make breakfast . " I turned on the weather radio to listen to any updates , but I just heard static . I thought it might have been something wrong with the equipment itself . Sal and Olivia decided to fish the rest of the day , while the rest of us set up some targets out in a field to practice shooting . Throughout the day we saw several military jets fly over ; but Jerry said he seen that here before , so we didn 't pay much attention to it . We were running out of actual targets to shoot at so we just set up bottles . Between Jerry and Rob , I was the worst shot out of all them . This was a given as as used guns the least , but it didn 't stop them from laughing when I missed . The day crept on and eventually we decided to head back late afternoon . Sal and Olivia had caught 4 fish , and Sal claimed Olivia had caught almost all of them . Naturally we didn 't believe him , but we just let it slide . Jerry was probably beginning to regret inviting either of them for the trip , as Sal was just spending most of his time with Olivia anyway . I was walking out of the restroom when I heard the two of them speaking in the room next door . I put my ear to the door to hear the conversation better . " Dude , you 're forgetting I 'm the one who invited you here , not your clingy girlfriend . " " She 's not clingy , alright ! I 'm sorry she just wants to spend time with me . You wouldn 't understand , I know you 've never had a girlfriend . " I heard foot steps coming my way and stepped back as the door flung open and Sal came storming out . Jerry followed slowly behind me . He stopped when saw and me and turned to talk to me . Nothing too weird happened for the rest of the day . The power never came back on , I never regained service , and we saw a few more jets flying over us . Jerry figured his dad would have come up to the cabin by now if he was really worried about us . Sal did some time with us to go on a walk through the woods . Oddly Olivia seemed fine with it , and stayed at the cabin to read book she had brought up . The sky became streaked with waves of purple and orange as the sun began to set , and we knew it was time to head back to the cabin . Luckily Jerry and Rob had a few candles up here , and we of course had a few flashlights , so we wouldn 't be in total pitch black . We were cleaning up dinner when Sal called us down to the dock . " Come take a look this guys ! " We all headed down expect for Rob , who wanted to finish hand washing the dishes . I immediately knew what he was talking about when I stepped outside on the porch . The moon , which hadn 't raised that high in the sky at this point , had turned into the color of blood . I 've seen this phenomenon before , but usually it had a more orangish tint to it . This was straight red . Its reflection in the rippling water made the water look like blood too . We all stared at it for a while but eventually went back inside . Jerry had a battery - operated radio in a closet , and pulled it out in hopes that we would know what was going with the outside world . But as he turned the knob , flipping through the channels , our eyes widened with shock . The only noise coming out of the radio 's speakers was static . " We have to go back , we have no idea what 's going on out there , " Rob was sitting on the couch , and frantically looking around at all of us . " You 're right , but I 'm not sure we should all go , it could be dangerous . We could have been invaded by another country or something crazy , " Sal said Sal kissed Olivia goodbye and headed out , taking nothing with him but a wallet , his phone , and a hat . Not to our surprise , the radio once again only played static after he started up his truck . We told him to call us when he got back to our city ; but , we never received a call from him . We never saw Sal again . " Fish … fish again , all we ever eat is fish , " I was twirling my food around my plate with a fork . It was true , we had fish for breakfast , lunch , and dinner . We only just ran out of food in the pantry two days ago , I was had only brought enough up for the trip . We still had a few granola bars , but I tried to save those ; as I had no idea how long we would be here . " Dude , it could be worse . Do you really wanna risk driving out and going to get something ? Sal was supposed to be back three days ago , and we never even got a call from him , " Jerry responded . " That doesn 't sound like a bad idea . There 's a sandwich restaurant and gas station about 30 or so minutes away from here , I 'm sure we wouldn 't be in danger going that far out . " " This cabin is surrounded by miles of woods ; and the only road is road out of here is a small , windy , dirt one . The only reason whatever happened to the rest of society hasn 't happened to us is because we are isolated in the middle of nowhere . Let 's keep it that way . " I sighed and got up to go watch the setting sun from the glass door , which led to the porch from the living room . Olivia was laying on the couch , just staring off into the wall . She hadn 't taken Sal 's disappearance well . We had tried to talk to her , but she just told us to be quiet . The only thing we could now was wait until her grief left . The days passed slowly for us . There was nothing for us to do besides ride the storm out . Jerry was right , the chances of us being found out here very slim . We all had our different theories of what was going on . But we mostly agreed it had to be an invasion of some sorts . We originally thought it was just a really bad storm . But by now surely the power would have come back on or someone would have come back out here and found us . And then there was the moon . Each night it was still as crimson as blood . We thought it may have been caused by a gas or something . Our opinion soon changed this night . Robert had brought up s ' mores , and we had yet to cook them . We were all tired of eating fish that night , and Rob suggested bringing them out and making them over a small fire . We made it in the back of the cabin , in the small driveway which was at the bottom of a hill leading into the woods . " Hey Olivia , we 're making s ' mores outside , want to join us ? " I cautiously asked . " The truth is , I never forced Sal to take me up here . I never force him to do anything . Go hang out with your friends , I tell him . He insisted on spending all his time with me . " " Hey Are y ' all going to come out ? The fire 's ready now ? " Jerry had stepped inside . Olivia began to slowly get off the couch . " Yeah , we 'll be right there ! " I shouted back . " Nah nah nah . Hey , do y ' all remember that time Rob flicked peanut butter on Sidney 's shirt at lunch , and Sidney turned around and punched the shit out of him ? " We all erupted in laughter . I even saw Olivia giggle a little , which made me smile . " And then Rob got up and … " Jerry was interrupted by a long and loud screech coming from the woods . This was followed by a chorus of yapping and growling . Our smiles faded away . I 've heard coyotes before , and this did not sound like them . Plus , the coyotes had gone silent since the moon turned red . " What is that ? " Olivia asked aloud . Jerry and Rob started frantically trying to put out the fire , dumping their waters all over it . The chorus was getting closer , and sounding more and more angry . After putting it out we all quickly ran inside , locking the door behind us . I went and locked the other two doors in the cabin , and Rob went to go get a shotgun . He came back with a pump - action 12 gauge just as the noises wear nearing the cabin . The noises were right outside the cabin now , and whatever was making them was scratching the door now . Rob raised the gun . Jerry responded by shaking his head and mouthing no . We moved to the master bedroom of the cabin and waited in there . The scratching lasted around 15 minutes before the pack of whatever - was - making - that - noise went away . Rob finally set the gun down . " What the hell was that ? " I turned to Jerry . " I 've never heard a pack of coyotes or wild dogs sound like that ; honestly , I don 't know . " We kept the doors locked that night and kept the candles blown out . I brought a pistol with me to sleep . Something had found us now . Things only got weirder the next following days . That morning I decided to get up early and go turkey hunting . A nice turkey would be a refreshing change of pace from fish . I was armed with a very powerful shotgun , so I wasn 't really scared out being alone in the woods . I made sure to walk very far away from the cabin ; past the edge of the property . A gunshot would be loud , and I didn 't want any more things to be attracted to our location . I found a good tree in front of large field , and sat down to wait . Being alone allowed my think freely without any interruptions . I was worried . Worried about my family . Worried about Sal , and the rest of the world . None of us had talked about it last night , but we were all thinking it . What if this wasn 't some sort of other countries invasion . What if it was aliens ? or monsters ? I drifted off to sleep thinking of all the possible reasons . Whispers . My eyes shot open . The sun was now hanging high in the middle of the sky . I had been laying on the grassy ground , and so had my gun . I heard whispers coming from all around me . I thought was dreaming and tried shaking my head , then pinching myself , but the whispers remained . I felt chills run down my spine as I quickly jumped up and began to run across the field , back in the direction of the cabin . As I ran , I glanced back over my shoulder , and saw something that made me stop dead in my footsteps . My mother , my father , and my sister , were all standing at the edge of the trillion on the other side of the field . They were waving , and then beckoning me to come over to them . They all had smiles on their faces . But , like the storm , they looked unnatural , and fake . I took off into a full sprint now . My adrenaline kept me going . I didn 't stop sprinting until I reached our own property , and even then I only slowed down to a jog . By the time I reached the cabin , I was panting , my chest hurt , and I was drenched in sweat . That 's the last time I go into the woods alone , I thought to myself as I stepped into the cabin . Olivia was messing with the radio in the kitchen . Her eyes widened as she looked up at me . " W - what happened to you ? " she asked . " I saw something in the woods , " I responded bluntly . ' What was it ? " " This sounds crazy , but I think I saw my family . They were smiling , and waving at me . " " What about Sal ? " Damn it , why would ask that ? I thought to myself as I waited for a response . " I miss him sure , and I hope he 's alright , but not as much as my family . Our relationship was having lots of trouble . I think him taking me here was a last - ditch effort to save it . " Before I could respond , Jerry and Rob stepped in through the glass door , carrying three skinned bass with them . " What happened to you dude ? " Jerry asked " There was something weird I saw in the woods . I 'm not ever going out in them alone again , " I told him . The sudden realization hit me that whatever saw me could have followed me back . " What was in the woods ? " Jerry asked . " I … I don 't … I 'm not sure what I saw , " I told him . " Maybe we are all just a little stressed out , and need some relaxation , " Olivia said . " Hmmmm … that 's a good idea . We don 't have any more alcohol up here , but we can still have some fun . I 'll be back ! " Jerry ran into the master bedroom , and came back out holding a Monopoly box . I was stepping out of the bathroom , when Rob grabbed my shoulder and pulled me aside . It was eleven at night , and the moon had once again remained it 's odd crimson color . " I know what you saw in the woods , " Rob spoke in a hushed tone . " I don 't think it was really anything , Rob . I was just seeing things . " " I see it too . When I go off alone , when I go fishing . I see my father , he waves for me to come to him . I also hear whispers , telling me to do things . " Not a lot , I 've been staying up , keeping watch on us . Something could break in at anytime , and we have no idea what 's out there . " I nodded my head in agreement , but couldn 't help but feel there was something off about Rob . But considering we could be sitting in the middle of the apocalypse , I couldn 't really blame him . " You know I 've heard of stuff like this before , " Rob called out to me as I was walking away . " What do you mean ? " I asked . " No but I 've seen documentaries , on the history channel . Armies before have tried to create something similar . Some sort of chemical or gas that drives someone crazy , makes them see things . It would be perfect in a war . " " Let 's hope thats not the case , " I said and continued walking . But what he said made me think . using some sort of gas to drive a population insane , would make an invasion ; or worse , an extermination , all that much easier . But I hadn 't seen any gas in the air at all , and so far me and Rob were event he only ones having problems . I shook my head , and tried to get this off my mind . Things didn 't get any better as more and more time went by . I asked Olivia and Jerry if they had been seeing things too . Jerry gave off a firm " What are you talking about ? " , but Olivia responded with an anxious " No ! Why would I be having some weird visions going on in my head ? do you think I 'm going crazy or something ? " She tried to hide it , but she wasn 't a good liar . I decided to have a conversation alone with Jerry one night about it . I invited him out to my porch , we we each sat in two old wooden rockers Jerry and his Dad has made when we were kids . We waited in silence for a minute or two , just staring out onto serene bright water , and the crimson moon perched just above it . We were both shivering , and my teeth chattered for a little bit . It was early fall in the south , yet ever since the storm the temperature had been dropping significantly each day . At one point I almost jumped when a little brown spider crawled over my foot . I relaxed when I saw it was just a spider but freaked out even more when I saw the brown fiddle on the back and recognized it as a Brown Recluse . I stepped on it quickly , thankful it had not bitten me . I started to open my mouth , but Jerry blurted . " Have you ever read the book of Revelations before ? " I was startled by this , as I didn 't really know Jerry as a religious man . " I mean I 've skimmed through it , but never really sat down and intently read it . " I remained silent . " What if the storm was the Rapture ? We never heard from anyone else after it . What if we are the ones left behind ? " I turned around to tell him how ridiculous that sounded , but I could see how nervous he was in his eyes . " Listen man , I don 't think he world is ending . It 's probably just some biological attack from another country or something . " " We 've been out here for weeks Jay , we have to see someone , go check on something . Even if it 's just our neighbors . " I thought of many reasons why that would be bad idea , but I too was eager to discover the fate of the rest of civilization . For all we know we could be the last people on Earth . " Alright , tomorrow we 'll head to that convenience store area . If other people are still out there , there 's bound to be someone there . I think the two of us are the only ones that should go also . Olivia 's a girl and your brother can stay and watch her and the house . " Jerry opened his mouth to respond , but was interrupted by a long screech coming from the woods , which was followed by more howls and growls . We started hearing noises like this around a week ago , and they had become more and more frequent each night . And same as other nights before , Jerry once again said , " It 's just bobcats and wild dogs . " I was sitting at a long wooden table , my family surrounding me . On top of the table there was a surplus of food . Food I hadn 't seen in weeks . Turkey , bread , beans , salad . We were out in an open sunny field . My family was all smiling as they passed the food around . " You can be with us Jay , you can be happy … " A loud , rumbling noise , filled the atmosphere and the sky turned red . Now my family 's faces were distorted and inhuman . I jumped up and squeezed my eyes shut . When I reopened them , I was looking up at a dark wooden ceiling , and was sweating . I jumped up out of my bed and looked around the dark room , but saw nothing . I heard thuds on the wooden floor quickly coming towards my room . I grabbed the revolver that was on the nightstand and waited . The door flung open , and Jerry stepped in . I breathed a sigh of relief . " Jesus dude you gotta say something before you just barge in . I almost shot you , " I laughed a little . All my laughter left me as Jerry and I stepped back out into the hallway . The room to Olivia 's door was flung wide open , and her sheets were flung out onto the floor . But that wasn 't the disturbing part . There was a trail of scratches and blood leading out from her room to the open back door of the cabin . And directly behind the door , and across the driveway , were the thick , pitch black , and strangely silent woods . " We gotta go get her ! " I urged to Jerry . " Now ? In the dark ? That 's suicide ! Just wait until daylight ! " I tried to calm down , and not let my emotions control me , but it was hard . " Where the hell was Rob ? He 's supposed to keep watch ! " Jerry 's face gave off an oh shit expression as he began to frantically look around the cabin . I ran to the kitchen , and then the porch . What the hell , I thought as I stepped out onto it . Rob was sitting at the edge of the dock , just holding the shotgun and looking up into the sky . " Rob ! " I shouted as I ran down to him . " Isn 't all beautiful ? " he responded as I ran up next to him . " You were supposed to be watching the cabin ! Olivia is gone now because of you ! " His facial expression changed immediately , most like he snapped out of some daze . He quickly ran back up the cabin , swinging around the shotgun as he went . I followed him back up . " Oh no no no , I 'm so sorry , " he buried his face in his hands . None of us went back to sleep for the rest of the night . The moment dawn broke we headed out into the forest , all armed . We made sure not to split up , although Rob would often straggle behind . We saw no trace of Olivia anywhere . No blood , no torn clothing , no nothing . We only shouted out a few times , for fear that something else would hear us . After a few hours we gave up our search and headed back towards the cabin . I was scared . Not just for Olivia but for us as well . We were no longer hidden , and whatever had found her was dangerous . It broke in and took her without a sound . Me and Jerry decided to keep our promise of going out and seeing if we could find anyone . We almost had to at this point . Jerry came up to me while I was putting back on a thick jacket . " Listen , Jay , I think you should take Rob with you instead . " " I 'm worried about him lately . He 's been acting strange . I think he just has really bad cabin fever . " I didn 't mention the visions or whispers to him . " You 're right , that sounds like a good idea . But are you going to be OK here all by yourself ? " I could he was gripping a bible tightly in his right hand . " Yeah , yeah I 'm just going to go do some fishing , you know . " " We 'll be back in a few hours , just the careful buddy , " I patted him on the shoulder before heading out to Rob 's truck . Me and Rob were silent as we drove down the dirt road , and then the highway . The only thing we saw were a couple of mutilated deer and empty cars . I sat , staring out the window , only able to think of Olivia and Sal . " I feel really bad for Olivia , you know , " I finally broke the silence . " Why ? " Rob asked , with a tone that suggested his mind was on other things . " We always talked about how much she controlled Sal 's life , and how bad she was . You know I think it was the opposite now , " I said . " Why do you think ? " Rob sounded a little bit more interested now . " She told me about it all before she went missing man , she told about how Sal always makes her do things with him , even when she insists that he just go out with us , " I spoke sympathetically . " Well , if we see them ever again , I 'll tell her I 'm sorry , " Rob responded . I felt like he was drifting off again , back into his own mind ; and somewhere far way from here . " I don 't think we are ever going to see either of them again , Rob , " I spoke softly , and went back to staring out the window . Rob remained quiet . The farther away from the cabin we went , the more uneasy I felt . We reached the convenient store by afternoon . Rob and I both stepped out of the car armed and ready for anything to come at us ; but nothing did . There was good number of empty cars in the parking lot and road here . We had yet to see another car or person , so I had pretty much come to the conclusion that the rest of the world was just in bad as shape as us . " Go check out those cars , I 'm gonna go into the stores , " Rob said to me quietly . I nodded and we split off . I noticed the air had gotten so cold I could see my breath now . I immediately noticed one of the cars had its doors ripped off , and my way over to that one . I winced a little when I looked inside . The interior was covered all with blood . I looked back over to the car next to it and noticed that it too was covered with blood . " Jay ! Jay ! " I heard Rob scream and quickly ran over to the store . I stepped in with my gun raised , but Rob was completely fine . " What are you doing screaming like that ! " I shouted angrily . " Look ! " he pointed at the floor . I looked down and jumped back . The floor was covered with dried blood too . As I looked around I noticed the entire store was a mess . There were shelves knocked over and glass cracked and shattered . I even noticed a few shells on the floor . But like the cars ' I didn 't see any bodies . We moved on to the restaurant next door , and were met with the same results . There was no sign of anyone anywhere . I tried the phones on the stores , but they didn 't work . We silently head back out to the car , me in the lead . My jaw dropped when it came into sight . The tires , all four of them , were flat . " What the fuck … " I heard come from behind me . " What the fuck ! " Rob screamed . " Can you be quiet ? " I sneered at him through clenched teeth . " Listen we can still drive with flat tires , at le " We hid for weeks from those fuckers , an now they are to scared to face us ? Come on bitches ! " I covered my ears as Rob raised his shotgun high and fired into the sky . " I 'm right here ! You want a fight , come get one ! " I wasn 't gonna let him get us both killed . Without hesitation I drew my fist back and then socked him in the moth . He fell to the ground , dropping the shotgun . " Listen , Robert ; you may have a death wish , but I don 't ! Those things out there will kill you , and our only change is to make it back on foot before sunrise unless you want to end up like those deer over there . Are you with me ? " Rob nodded . Once again it seemed like he had been broken out of a trance . He reached for the shotgun , but I grabbed before he could . " I 'm going to keep this with me for now . " " Fine , " he mumbled . We walked again in complete silence . There were empty cars every now and then on the side of the road , but neither of us knew how to hot - wire . As the sun lowered in the sky , I grew more and more nervous . And when I began to see the horizon turn orange and our shadows grow tall , I began to panic . We hadn 't even hit the dirt road yet . Every now and than I thought I would here rustling in the woods around us . I wasn 't sure if it was just a harmless animal , but I knew we were being hunted . " We 're going to die out here , " Rob said bluntly as the sky turned to purple . " Don 't say that . " " We are no where near the cabin , and it 's going to be dark any minute now . " I heard a growl not to far off in the woods . I began to think of my family , and my other friends . I missed them deeply , and wondered where they all where right now , if they were in a better place . " W - we could hide in some house or a car or something , " I anxiously said as I watched the blood moon rise in the night sky . " Jay , you know they are watching us , following us , waiting for the right moment to pounce , " Rob said to me . I didn 't respond , just kept walking . " Jay , " he grabbed my shoulder . I turned around to face him . My eyes were wide and my face was pale , but Rob 's was calm . He grabbed the shotgun out of my hand . " I want you to protect my little brother for me . " I realized what he was doing . " No you can 't . " " I 'm losing it Jay . I see things and hear things . I 'm a liability , i 'll get you both killed if I 'm around . I 'll do my best to try and hold them back , but you need to run as fast as you can . " He cocked the shotgun . I heard more and more growls and roars coming from the woods . They were close and loud now . I stood motionless as Rob turned around to face them . " Go now ! " he shouted . I took off , running faster than I ever had before . I heard a screech and gunshots , but didn 't turn around to check . I ran until my feet burned and my chest stung . My adrenaline kept me going , but I had to slow down . I was finally on the dirt road . I didn 't take much time on it before I realized how dangerous it was out in the open like this . On the right side of the road out in a field I could barely make out an old broken down cabin . I made way quickly inside . There was broken down walls and piles of junk everywhere . It seemed like a good place to hide . I had decided to wait out the rest of my night here . It seemed like my best option for survival . I went inside what I presumed used to be the bathroom and sat down in there . I was safe in there for a few hours . I couldn 't sleep , so I just kind of sat there in a frightened daze . A low growl nearby snapped me out of it . I almost jumped up and screamed when I heard it . The growl had been right outside the house . After a few moments of silence I heard the floorboards creak , and I knew I was 't alone in the cabin anymore . I felt fear like I never had before . I felt cold , throughout my body and deep down . I tried to control my breathing , but it just got louder . The creaking was getting closer to my hiding spot . I tried to move my leg , and bumped a nearby rock . An idea popped in my head . I slowly reach towards the stone and picked it up . I didn 't waste any time and chucked as hard as I could into the darkness . I heard a loud thud on the other side of the cabin . The creaking changed direction . This is my chance , I thought as I slowly crept out , still crouching . It was almost pitch black , and I couldn 't make out anything else in the cabin . I felt relief run through my veins once I stepped out the cabin . I speed up my creeping , trying to move as fast away from the cabin as I could whilst still being stealthy . I spent the rest of the night creeping through the woods , moving towards the direction of the cabin and hiding in brush every time I heard a noise . I didn 't think I was going to make it back . The night felt like a million , but eventually I saw daylight on the horizon . I almost broke into a cry when the cabin came into view . I burst through the door , frantically looking around for Jerry . He was on his knees praying . " Jerry ! " He turned around . " Hey , where 's Rob ? " " What ! No ! " Jerry threw his bible across the room , and turned around and kicked the couch . " There was no chance both of us were gonna make . Without him none of us would be back . " Jerry wasn 't listening , her was throwing things around and kicking furniture . It didn 't take long for the rage to leave him . He lay down on his knees , face buried in his palms , just like Rob had been after Olivia died . I went over and tried to comfort him , but he just stormed into his room , slamming the door shut behind him . We spent the next few days in complete silence . Jerry hardly moved , just moped around and read his bible . But he told me of an event that happened while we were gone . He had gotten on the fishing boat , and decided to patrol around the lake , to see if you could anyone else at the few other lake cabins around . While he was going slowly by the shoreline , he heard whispers , and thought it was another human . As he steered the boat to a dock , he saw his father staring at him . He began to speed up , but stopped when he saw other people with him , including people he knew where dead , like Olivia . We had a long conversation after about the visions , and how I thought this was making us go crazy . There was one other lake house on the lake , one we hadn 't checked out yet . I told Jerry I was going to check it out today , to see if there was any one in there . We both already knew the answer to that , but I really just wanted to get away from the cabin for a while . I loaded with on the boat , and brought the usual shotgun and flashlight with me . I left early in the morning , so I would have most of the day to be there . I didn 't want to stay past sunrise , and have to deal with the things in the woods that come out at night . I took the boat slowly over there , watching the still water , and trying to keep my mind off of things . The dock had and empty spot , and I tied up the boat and headed in to investigate . I wasn 't sure what I expected to be inside , but it was painted red with blood . In the kitchen was the most gruesome thing I had ever seen , two headless bodies , crawling with maggots , and a shotgun laying on the floor . I almost wanted to vomit . I looked around , but there was no suicide note or anything . I " I came from Atlanta . Previously to the storm there was a lot of weird going around , a lot of military vehicles were seen everywhere . Nobody knew what was going on . They thought it was because of terrorism . or something . Then it hit . The storm , it seemed to come out of nowhere . Everyone was trying to leave the city after it happened . It was almost impossible to get out . We were trying to reach my wife 's family in Arkansas , but we never made it . We only took the backroads , and saw less and less people as we went . One night we parked on the side road , and trying to sleep . I awoke to screams , and then I was yanked out the car and dragged out into the night . That thing had my arm in lockjaw grip . I had to put all six shots of my revolver into it before it even let go . Then I just took of running , and didn 't look back . " " Well what 's causing this ? What are those things out there ? " " I call them the Nightwalkers . I 've yet to see what one looks like , but I know they are very dangerous , and smart . They mostly come at night too , and are quiet while they sneak up on on you . They are like lions , terrifying predators . " " Like I said , no idea . Whatever it was , the military couldn 't do jack - shit . There were rumors , that they bombed the cities , to stop something . We also heard that the military bases became safe - houses . And then we heard that they became chaotic , that everyone began killing each other there . So we complete avoided one . But these were all just rumors we heard from other people on the road . " " Damn . Well we could always use more company , and I 'm good with you staying here , but I 'm not sure about my friend over here , " I flicked my head towards Jerry , who responded by letting out a low mumbled , " He can stay . " Daniel started to get up , but I stopped him . " Have you seen any sign of safety out there ? Any other groups of people . We can 't stay here much longer , at some point we are going to be caught . " " We tried to avoid any towns , only taking the backroads . But I wouldn 't be so sure about other groups . Whatever is going in weird , and I don 't understand it at all . Those things are just a small part of it . The temperature hasn 't stopped dropping in forever , and it 's going to hit 0 at some point . And sometimes , I hear things . Voices , and my head starts to spin . My mind becomes clustered with hundreds of thoughts . It 's like this whole event is beyond our basic perception and understanding , and is driving us crazy . We saw some other people completely going off the edge . They acted just like animals , killing each other , tearing each other apart . And even the actual animals , like dogs , went batshit too . Luckily I had that revolver with me , and a lot of ammo , because people still go down in one shot . Too bad I dropped that damn thing on the run . " " Can I see them ? " " Hold your horses , we just met you . I think you should be worried about cleaning off what 's left of your arm . " We got him in the shower and wrapped up his arm with actual bandages , but I would be surprised if it didn 't get infected at some point anyway . Having Daniel around went well for a couple days , even thought we had to keep watch on him most of the time . He cooperated and helped us make food and fish , which for I had absolutely developed a hate for the taste of by now . It all ran smoothly , until the third night . I awoke to the sound of shouting , and ran into the living room . Daniel was holding Jerry at gunpoint . " Easy , Daniel . Just put the gun down , " Jerry spoke softly . " It 's not you I want to hurt , " he responded bitterly and pointed the gun at his chin instead . " Woah , what are you doing man ? If you fire that thing , every Nightwalker within a mile is going to hear it . We have food , shelter , and a nice hiding spot here . You don 't have to do this . " " You don 't understand . I lied earlier . We did go through every town we could , and they were all dead , or crazy . There is nothing out there but death , and we are going to die too . It 's better to go out this way than whatever is going to happen if the Nightwalkers get you . " I took this chance to rush at Daniel , knocking him down to the ground while he fired . The bullet hit a nearby candle and knocked it off a table . Daniel was bigger than me and kicked me off him , still holding the gun . " Y - you don 't have to do this . There is still something out there , there is still hope . " " No , there isn 't , " Daniel put the gun up to his chin and squeezed the trigger , just as as was reaching towards him . There was a loud gunshot and I was covered in blood . I didn 't say a word , just stood there frozen in shock . " Oh … my … God … . " was all that could escape my lips . We both stood motionless for God knows how long . Seeing people already dead was one thing , but witnessing happen right in front me was something entirely different , and much worse . We both stood motionless . Until I felt heat at my back . My senses came back to me and I jumped about three feet away when I noticed there was a fire behind me . It had broken out when the candle fell on the carpet and was spreading . Jerry was still standing motionless , in shock . " Dude , come on we gotta get this fire out ! " I began shaking him . He shook his head and blinked , almost like coming back into consciousness . I ran into the kitchen and began filling up a cup of water , Jerry right behind me . We frantically attempted to set out the fire by dumping the water on it , but it had little to now effect of ever - growing flames . I also began to hear screeches come from the woods , and heard them getting closer as we worked . Once the fire almost fully engulfed the living room I knew it was time to give up . " We gotta get out of here ! Grab the guns , I 'll pack a few supplies . Get your keys and we will take your truck ! " I grabbed his shoulder and shouted in his face . He nodded and ran off into his room . I grabbed a few granola bars before heading into my room and packing jackets and whatever I could see into a bag . The smoke stung my eyes and made it hard to breathe . I didn 't want to die in here waiting for Jerry , so I ran out , leaving the front door open behind me . Normally I would have turned my attention to watch the fire , but I focused instead on the dark rustling trees and the noises coming from within them . I grew nervous and fearful that I would be stuck alone out here without any weapon and anywhere to go , and be left to a horrible fate . My hope was rekindled when I heard coughing and turned around to see Jerry stumble out of the burning cabin , carrying a shotgun in each hand . We acted quickly , throwing what we had in the bed and then starting the car . We drove off inI just hope that we will find some peace , under a blood red moon . Retrieved from " http : / / creepypasta . wikia . com / wiki / Under _ a _ Blood _ Red _ Moon ? oldid = 1280506 " |
We went away this weekend to NYC and Sleepy Hollow . We try to take a Halloween Weekend every year to somewhere either " Halloweenish " , Spooky , Historical or where costumes are involved . We will be going to a ComicCon the weekend after Halloween ( that counts ) so we decided to do just a quick overnight to Sleepy Hollow this weekend . Our usual Halloween destination is Salem MA , but we 've switched it up the past couple of years mainly due to the fact that Doug is < insert colorful metaphors > of going to Salem - I , on the other hand , never tire of it . We had already done a weekend in Sleepy Hollow a couple of years back . We did just about everything there was to do with the exception of the BLAZE . I did not know that in order to do anything in Sleepy Hollow in October , tickets must be purchased on - line ahead of time . Fortunately , once I discovered this and by the skin if my teeth , I was able to get tickets for everything else . Knowing his propensity to over - pack DVD 's for the sole purpose of stacking them next to him while he watches YouTube on his computer , and knowing full well there would be a visit to a bookstore at some point during the trip , I told him that he could only bring 5 DVD 's and 2 books . I said it more than once . I just didn 't want to have to keep track of a bunch of unnecessary stuff and try to carry a bunch of unnecessary stuff . I just wanted to pack light and get this over with . ( I did forget my jacket in the room , so I really couldn 't manage to keep track of the necessary stuff - turns out , they don 't ship forgotten things . We have to go back and get it ) . When I went to grab the charger for his phone , I found that he already packed that as well . I found THAT to be a bit impressive . He is usually only concerned with his books , DVD 's and laptop . We spent the day in New York City . We visited all of his favorite places and headed out for Sleepy Hollow about 3 pm . All I wanted to do was sleep for a little while before dinner and the Blaze . In the room I was just telling Doug what a great job DC did packing only what I told him to and remembering his charger , when I noticed a good 15 to 20 DVD 's sitting next to his laptop . Now , this has been an issue before and the celebration over him being sneaky and figuring out that he could just hide them is long over with . I do have to give him props for figuring out if he packed his own charger there would be no reason for me to go into his backpack ( a new level of sneakiness ) , but like Tonya in ' All the … . . small things ' , I have to be the mother , even though I knew full well what would be in store for me after reprimanding him . DC only gets to use his laptop and DVDs on the weekends . That has been the rule for many years . Losing his computer privileges is the only thing that EVER makes any kind of impression on him . " DC , you lied to me again . I told you the last time you lied to me that you only had one more chance before your lost your computer for the weekend . This was your last chance , so no computer for the weekend . " ( Seriously , as punishments go , this is really not much of one . It was all ready Saturday night . We would be going out soon and we were leaving the hotel the next morning , but this did not matter to him ) . He is sorry for absolutely everything ! Partially he believes " I 'm sorry " will get him out of anything . Like a typical man , he thinks that saying " I 'm sorry " even if he doesn 't know what he 's sorry about will get him out of anything or at least get me to stop talking . If he really wants to bring it home , he goes to : " I 'm ' ter - bly ' sorry " or " I am soooooo sorry " . He 'll even throw in a " Can you ever forgive me ? " ( movie line ) , if he thinks it 's necessary . He says he 's sorry , WHILE he 's doing something he shouldn 't , and will continue right on doing whatever it is because he 's covered , he already said he was sorry . Or he 'll say he 's sorry when he 's about to do something he knows he 's not supposed to do . He 's covered , he said he was sorry ! I heard this and variations of this throughout the evening all recited 2 inches from my face . I won 't go into the amount of times I explained to him that just because he promises not to do it again does not get him out of the punishment he was already given . I understood that he was sorry and I was proud of him for being sorry …… believe me , it was covered and covered . There are times when DC really does not understand what he has done wrong and I will speak with him and try to get him to understand - this was not one of those times . He knew exactly what he was doing while he was doing it . I can not just let everything go , even though at this point I really wanted to get some sleep . If I gave in now he 'd know that I would give in the next time . As many times as he brought it up , there was an explanation for him . I love him , I always love him . I was not happy with the choice that he made to lie and sneak but I am not angry at him . If he does not do it again he would not lose his computer again . Monday was a holiday but the weekend was over , which meant his punishment was over . It also meant that he could not use his computer anyway because the weekend was over . He double checked the end of punishment fact with me and was extremely happy to hear that he was correct in his assumption . We were home all day on Monday and he was quite happy not to use his computer , because Monday is not " the weekend " . But he knew it was ON for the following Friday and I never heard another word about it . We went away this weekend to NYC and Sleepy Hollow . We try to take a Halloween Weekend every year to somewhere either " Halloweenish " , Spooky , Historical or where costumes are involved . We will be going to a ComicCon the weekend after Halloween ( that counts ) so we decided to do just a quick overnight to Sleepy Hollow this weekend . Our usual Halloween destination is Salem MA , but we 've switched it up the past couple of years mainly due to the fact that Doug is < insert colorful metaphors > of going to Salem - I , on the other hand , never tire of it . We had already done a weekend in Sleepy Hollow a couple of years back . We did just about everything there was to do with the exception of the BLAZE . I did not know that in order to do anything in Sleepy Hollow in October , tickets must be purchased on - line ahead of time . Fortunately , once I discovered this and by the skin if my teeth , I was able to get tickets for everything else . Knowing his propensity to over - pack DVD 's for the sole purpose of stacking them next to him while he watches YouTube on his computer , and knowing full well there would be a visit to a bookstore at some point during the trip , I told him that he could only bring 5 DVD 's and 2 books . I said it more than once . I just didn 't want to have to keep track of a bunch of unnecessary stuff and try to carry a bunch of unnecessary stuff . I just wanted to pack light and get this over with . ( I did forget my jacket in the room , so I really couldn 't manage to keep track of the necessary stuff - turns out , they don 't ship forgotten things . We have to go back and get it ) . When I went to grab the charger for his phone , I found that he already packed that as well . I found THAT to be a bit impressive . He is usually only concerned with his books , DVD 's and laptop . We spent the day in New York City . We visited all of his favorite places and headed out for Sleepy Hollow about 3 pm . All I wanted to do was sleep for a little while before dinner and the Blaze . In the room I was just telling Doug what a great job DC did packing only what I told him to and remembering his charger , when I noticed a good 15 to 20 DVD 's sitting next to his laptop . Now , this has been an issue before and the celebration over him being sneaky and figuring out that he could just hide them is long over with . I do have to give him props for figuring out if he packed his own charger there would be no reason for me to go into his backpack ( a new level of sneakiness ) , but like Tonya in ' All the … . . small things ' , I have to be the mother , even though I knew full well what would be in store for me after reprimanding him . DC only gets to use his laptop and DVDs on the weekends . That has been the rule for many years . Losing his computer privileges is the only thing that EVER makes any kind of impression on him . " DC , you lied to me again . I told you the last time you lied to me that you only had one more chance before your lost your computer for the weekend . This was your last chance , so no computer for the weekend . " ( Seriously , as punishments go , this is really not much of one . It was all ready Saturday night . We would be going out soon and we were leaving the hotel the next morning , but this did not matter to him ) . He is sorry for absolutely everything ! Partially he believes " I 'm sorry " will get him out of anything . Like a typical man , he thinks that saying " I 'm sorry " even if he doesn 't know what he 's sorry about will get him out of anything or at least get me to stop talking . If he really wants to bring it home , he goes to : " I 'm ' ter - bly ' sorry " or " I am soooooo sorry " . He 'll even throw in a " Can you ever forgive me ? " ( movie line ) , if he thinks it 's necessary . He says he 's sorry , WHILE he 's doing something he shouldn 't , and will continue right on doing whatever it is because he 's covered , he already said he was sorry . Or he 'll say he 's sorry when he 's about to do something he knows he 's not supposed to do . He 's covered , he said he was sorry ! I heard this and variations of this throughout the evening all recited 2 inches from my face . I won 't go into the amount of times I explained to him that just because he promises not to do it again does not get him out of the punishment he was already given . I understood that he was sorry and I was proud of him for being sorry …… believe me , it was covered and covered . There are times when DC really does not understand what he has done wrong and I will speak with him and try to get him to understand - this was not one of those times . He knew exactly what he was doing while he was doing it . I can not just let everything go , even though at this point I really wanted to get some sleep . If I gave in now he 'd know that I would give in the next time . As many times as he brought it up , there was an explanation for him . I love him , I always love him . I was not happy with the choice that he made to lie and sneak but I am not angry at him . If he does not do it again he would not lose his computer again . Monday was a holiday but the weekend was over , which meant his punishment was over . He double checked that fact with me and was extremely happy to hear that he was correct in his assumption . We were home all day on Monday and he was quite happy not to use his computer , because Monday is not " the weekend " . But he knew it was ON for the following Friday and I never heard another word about it . Now I know what this question will be , there is only one question he asks in this manner . He asks it in the exact same way every weekend . I am sure that somewhere along the line , when DC wanted to use his computer , I told him to " ask me the question , instead of using one word " - and this became " Mom , may I ask you a question ? " He asks no other questions in this way , only this one . The question is not really even a question , it is a statement . The only actual question we have here is him asking me if he ' may ' ask me a question …… but close enough . DC has his rituals . I know them - I am used to them . It 's only when I sit back and watch the whole thing from beginning to end do I realize just how involved some of them are and just how long many of them take to complete . During the week as soon as Mrs . H . leaves , DC runs up to his room to get his book . This book must be on the chair next to him at the kitchen table . He has his chair at the table where he reads or edits his books , but the chair next to him is also off - limits because this is where his book must sit . No one can sit in his editing chair and Mrs . H . is the only one allowed to sit in the book chair . The 3 book rule was instituted because DC would travel from room to room with his pile of books . They were not the books he planned to read , they were the books he moved from spot to spot in the house according to what room he was in . With his pile of books in place he would then go and get another book to read . This pile of books grew and grew until I was afraid that he would fall down the stairs carrying them because he could no longer see over them . These were also not small paperbacks , they were large heavy books . The 3 book rule meant that he was only allowed to carry around 3 books at a time . The 3 book rule was hard for him . He would try to " hide " an extra book or two in the pile , so the three book rule was adjusted . The 3 book rule is now the one book rule . This seemed much easier for him to manage . The temptation to try to hide and additional book in the pile was gone as there was no longer a pile . The one book gets moved to the chair when he is in the kitchen , the corner of the coffee table when in the living room and a chair next to his bed in his room . After all of this back and forth , up and down , does he actually watch any of the movies he so carefully sorted , stacked and arranged ? Rarely . He opts for YouTube . Many of you know that DC has a complete , over the top , obsession with all things Disney . This obsession began when he was probably 6 months old . He loved to watch those Disney Sing - A - Long videos , over and over again . DC did not take naps as a baby . He did not like the playpen . He liked the bouncing chair but was over it after a few days . The swing , lasted a little bit more than a few days , but he was quite over that after a week or two . He did not like to play with toys . He was not happy unless he was being carried around . These sing - a - long tapes were the only thing that captured his attention . So yes , I used them because for 30 minutes , I was free to do something else . He graduated quickly to full length movies . The " Jungle Book " was the first full length movie he owned . I was a bit surprised that he was able to pay complete attention for the entire length of a 90 minute movie at 9 months old . His obsession with Disney grew from there , especially for Cinderella . The boy loved his princesses ! It got to the point that this " one movie " or " one Sing - a - long " a day was interfering with everything else we needed to go . He was so preoccupied with watching a movie that he did not want to do anything else . I didn 't want to take his movies away from him - he loved them , but I had to try to limit his movie watching to weekends only . This did not go over well at all . I remember one night , he was probably 4 years old , DC wanted to watch a Disney movie , I told him he could not . Now , at the time he was non - verbal , afraid of the dark and would never think to go anywhere without me . Communication was rough , he was still having meltdowns and really had a hard time understanding many things - but on this night , when I told him he could not watch a movie , he took his video put it under his arm , marched to the front door and signed " Dad " . He was determined to go to Dad 's house because apparently he would allow him to watch his movie . DC had officially learned how to play the " Guilt Card " . Obviously he was not going to go outside in the dark , but he did make me feel awful and as always , like the bad guy . No , he did not get to watch his movie , but I realized then that he understood much more than I had been giving him credit for . Cinderella led to his fixation with flowing dresses and shiny shoes . Out in public , he would grab at strangers wearing ' flowy ' dresses or skirts . He would also get on all fours to stare at their shiny shoes . This was not always welcomed by the people wearing the " Cinderella - like " garb . I had to always be aware of everyone around us at all times and what they may be wearing to avoid an uncomfortable situation . Around this time , I had a long ' flowy ' gauze type skirt . It was hand washable of course . I always had to be careful about drying it . We lived on the second floor and I was afraid that if I were to hang it to dry on the clothes line , DC would try to go out there to play with it - yes , among the other worries and issues these were the other things I had to think about . So I used to hang it on a hanger from the shower head and close the shower curtain , so he would not see it . One night , in the middle of the night , I woke to giggles , and some thrashing about . I went into the bathroom to find DC in the bathtub playing with the hanging shirt . I got rid of the skirt not long after . There was ONE Disney book in his classroom when he was in his " in - between birth to 3 and Kindergarten " SPED classroom . It was the Little Mermaid . His teacher hid this book on a daily basis , because he could not concentrate on anything else knowing the book was in the classroom . Everyday he found it . She went to great lengths in hiding it - finally hiding it in a storage closet where DC had never once stepped inside - but as always he found it . It was almost as if he could sense it . It took awhile but we finally had the movies in check and he did get past searching for that book . I didn 't want to take Disney away from him altogether , I wanted him to learn to live with Disney but not be overtaken by it . When he seemed to be in that place , it was decided it would be safe to take him to Disney World without him regressing back into his Disney - Obsessed behavior . Moving on to grammar school , we thought the Disney book distraction was behind him . Just to play it safe , his new teachers removed Disney of any kind from the classroom before the school year began . We thought we had this covered , but little did I know , there was an entire Library in this school , just full of Disney books . Realizing very quickly that this was becoming a problem , they were removed as well ( for the first few months he was there , anyway , then they slowly came back so he was not overwhelmed with a large number of books all at once ) . Now that he was becoming more and more verbal , he began reciting random movie lines . The lines he recited did not always have anything to do with what was going on at the time ( they still don 't ) , they were just what might have been spinning around in his head at the time . Some were recognizable right away , others were obscure lines that really many people would not know . While dropping him off at Daycare one morning before school , he bowed to me and said " Thank you Lucifer " . Now I know that Lucifer is Cinderella 's cat , but really , how many other people could make that connection ? Fortunately the Daycare staff , got it but I still felt it necessary to e - mail his teacher just in case , to let him know that , no , we were not worshiping Satan at home . Now that he is older , he has more of a handle on his obsession . He is not so distracted by Disney that he can 't or won 't do anything else . Still , he is limited to movies only on weekends . He will spout the random movie line . He still loves his princesses . He will almost always assign anyone he meets a princess or Disney character name . And if you are wearing a ' flowy ' dress , he will to ask you to spin ……… . ( most people oblige ) Before I get to that - the evening after we came back from Atlantis , we decided to give the dining room a try for dinner . I am usually not a big fan of eating in the dining room with DC . The tables are crowded with strangers . I get anxious because DC , although pretty well - behaved in restaurants , can get a little bit loud and chewing with his mouth closed does not come naturally to him , he has to be reminded continuously . When he does remember on his own , he feels the need to point it out to me throughout the entire dinner . He likes to bring a book with him whenever we go out to eat , but at these crowded tables , it is not always possible , there just isn 't enough room . I was never of the mind that other people should be made to just accept DC 's behavior . Yes , if I am trying to manage the situation I can live without the stares and comments - but letting him do whatever he wants in the name of awareness , is not something I ever subscribed to . I do not believe that every behavior can or should be blamed on his autism - it is never used as an excuse . Letting him run around to other tables , throwing items or any other behavior that may have crept up when he was younger , just because he has autism , was not going to happen . I don 't expect other people in a restaurant , who are out to have a nice time for themselves , to have to make allowances for his behavior . In the past and for the most part , when he was younger , I 've had to take him outside to calm down if it didn 't look like the situation could be managed inside or we 've left places altogether . I agree that we need to raise awareness and acceptance , I do not agree that we have no regard for other people . To me , and this is my opinion only , that is not raising awareness about autism , but causing resentment . He has as much right to go anywhere and participate in anything as everyone else does and as I said , there were and still are times when he does get too loud or gets too anxious and yes , I do believe that some allowances should be made in the name of awareness , just as allowances should be made for young children that don 't necessarily have control of themselves out in public - we know all children will never be 100 % well behaved in public , and we know that our children will not either - but letting them do just anything they want and calling it " awareness " - I just don 't get that . When we were seated , we were glad to see only 3 other chairs and place settings , this meant ( hopefully ) only one other family . The other family arrived . They were a very nice couple from New Jersey with a 6 - year - old named " Jimmy " . They didn 't seem to be uncomfortable with DC and the very best thing was that Jimmy didn 't seem to be afraid of DC as some young children seem to be ! He put up with him hugging the stuffing out of him and tried to communicate with him . Jimmy 's mother and father didn 't seem to mind being called " Jimmy 's Mom " and " Jimmy 's Dad " whenever DC had something to say to them . DC also had plenty of room for his ever - present book . After dinner we decided to go to Karaoke or " Okey Okey " in DC - speak . We attended the night before and DC seemed to like it . He even sang " Over the Rainbow " . Again , people recognized him throughout the next day so once again , he was loving his " celebrity status " . We tried to pick a different song , but there were so many and I couldn 't come up with one off the top of my head that we could find in all of the listings . We also didn 't want to waste too much time getting his name in because although he seemed to like it , I knew he wasn 't going to sit there for hours waiting for his turn to come up , so " Over the Rainbow " it was … . again . She was wonderful and the audience was wonderful . He was thrilled . Celebrity status in tact , we headed back to the room - DC 's favorite place . Once in CoCo Kay , we opted for the glass bottom boat tour before hitting the beach . It was only an hour - long so we thought it would not be too much for DC . I am , by nature a " people watcher " . The people sitting across from me may have had the impression it would be much longer trip or that we may be shipwrecked 30 feet from shore , as they brought most of the breakfast buffet with them . The man next to me was very entertaining as well . He was not having any of this . His wife , on the other hand was very excited about the whole thing . At one point the ship hand began diving under the glass and bringing up live sea creatures to pass around ( I suspect they already had these creatures on the boat , but they made a nice production of him driving ) . We took the tour that went to the Hemingway House . We 'd been past it or in front of it many times , but we had never taken the time to go inside . We met with the tour guide who announced that we would be walking approximately 2 miles in total , but the tour would take at least 3 hours ! By the time we made it to the Hemingway House , DC had had enough . I saw a look on his face I hadn 't seen in years . Now DC does get anxious when he arrives anywhere , even if it is somewhere he really wants to be . I can always see the change , on his face . He stims , he repeats random words - " Tinkerbell , Tinkerbell , Tinkerbell " or " Another Wendy , Another Wendy , Another Wendy " and his eyes get wide . This was different . This looked like it was going to be a full on meltdown . I took him off the crowded porch and tried to walk around to the back of the house where there were fewer people . We stayed there until he calmed down . Fortunately , he was able to calm himself down . He was calm enough that he said he would go inside . We quickly went through the house and informed the tour guide that DC was having trouble and we left the tour . It took all of 10 minutes to get to Hard Roc " Caf " and all was fine once again . Thursday was a tough day on board . It was a day at sea , heading back to Baltimore . It was cold , so not only was every passenger on board but most were indoors . There was not a lot for DC to do . He just wanted to stay in the room but I told him we had to leave for a little while at least so the invisible cabin steward could come to clean the room . We tried to go shopping , but it was so crowded that no one could move . We managed to make our way into one store where DC found a Disney coloring book and markers ( not that he didn 't have both in the room , but these were NEW ) . After wandering the entire ship , looking for somewhere for him to sit and color , we found a table in one of the bars , filled with others that seemed to have the same idea . I had more coffee and DC colored happily for a good long while . After lunch , DC REALLY wanted to go back to the room - " I have to get some rest " . He was happy to be back in the room , reading his books and watching " Two - Five " . He fell asleep as he always does , and fortunately that killed a few more hours and it was time for Dinner ! By Friday morning , DC was ready to go home . He had a great time , but he was ready . Our original plan was to stop off in New York City ( Dc 's favorite place ) on the way home , but all we heard about during the last few days on board was just how much snow had been falling since we left Baltimore a week earlier . So we decided we 'd better just get driving when we got into port . We decided the stick to our decision to just drive home because we did not know how bad it was going to be closer to home . Fortunately the New York City stop was also going to be a surprise , so DC didn 't know anything about it . The change in plans did not pose a problem . We love Salem , MA . It is one of the places , along with New York City , NY and Mystic CT , that we visit any time we have the chance . Salem has been our Halloween / October destination for many , many years . We also try to visit during the year when it is not as crowded . So we are in Salem a couple - three times a year , at the least . DC has a " favorite book store " everywhere we visit , but the Derby Square Book Store is his all time favorite anywhere . We last visited Salem in April on Easter weekend . We were spending the weekend in Boston and decided to take a quick trip to Salem on Saturday . When we arrived at DC 's beloved bookstore , we were horrified to find that it was closed ! ( see : Book Store Blues ) Fortunately we found that it would not be closed forever . The new owner was outside with a table of books to sell , but no one was allowed inside because they were packing up all of the old stock . She let DC inside , thankfully and saved the day ! Earlier this month , I had the week off , DC also had the week off from his job / program so that he could attend camp . I wanted to take a trip to Salem but we didn 't have a lot of options even though we were both off because I didn 't want him to miss a day of camp . We opted to go on Sunday . Before I told DC that we would be visiting Salem , I had to be sure that this store had re - opened . I started searching twitter , instagram and the web for information of the re - opening . I was able to out that the store had re - opened , under the name of " Wicked Good Books " , but did not know if it was open on Sundays . I didn 't know if we should take the chance . I didn 't know what he would do if we went there a second time to find it closed . But I also did not know when we would have the next opportunity to visit . I talked to DC and explained we may be going to Salem on Sunday . The first thing he said was " Bookstore " . I told him that yes , his book store was open again , but I wasn 't sure if it was open on Sunday . Me : " Do you understand , DC ? It might not be open on Sunday . But don 't worry , if it is not open we will go back another time . " My next concern was that he was going to be upset when he saw the store was " different " ( thankfully for me - now I didn 't have to worry that books were going to come toppling down on him ) . I began explaining this to him back in April , when we knew it was changing owners , and more - so as soon as we decided to go to Salem in July . I got the standard " Okay , Mom . I understand " reply from DC , and again , I couldn 't really know if he really did understand , but I was really hoping that he did . He found 3 or 4 books that he wanted and we went to the register to pay . The owner recognized him immediately from our April visit and she commented that she was also worried that it would upset him to find so many changes . I told her that I had been explaining this to him since we left in April but I still wasn 't sure how he would react when he actually got here . Finally our Town scheduled a " Big Trash " pickup . These pickups used to be an annual event - when I say " event " , I mean an " event " . It was as if a newsletter went out to all of the surrounding towns and as soon as one piece of " big trash " hit the curb , the caravans of cars and pickup trucks descended . DC and I moved to this town 20 years ago , for the school system . At the time this town had the best special education program in the state . We moved here from a relatively big city , where to be honest , I thought I 'd seen everything , until " Big Trash Day " came around , that is …… . . I had never seen anything like this … but I digress . Due to budget cuts , " Big Trash " pickup went from every year to every other , then finally there was no pick up at all . This year , the town decided to schedule a " Big Trash " event in April . It has been about 5 years since the last one . As many of you know , DC loves books . His favorite activity is going to the bookstore . I 'm sure he averages 3 or 4 visits per month . This means we have hundreds of books squashed in our little house . He has so many , that I really can 't keep track of what he has . If he 's picking out a book at the store , I don 't really remember if he already has it at home and he really doesn 't care if he already has it . Obviously if it is a Disney book , I know he has at least 4 or 5 versions of the particular story but I really can 't remember if he has the version he wants to buy … . . or ……… I know he HAD it at one time , but we may have gotten rid of it during the last " Big Trash " event . Needless to say , we end up with many duplicates . Yes , some of his editing is obsessive . One of the many versions of the " Wizard of OZ " that he owns was an older version where the " Tin Man " was referred to as " The Tin Woodsman " . He went through every single page of the 200 - plus page chapter book and colored out ( crossing out is not good enough ) the word " Woods " on every page , so that it read " Tin Man " . He also likes his chapter numbers to be written out . Chapter 1 has to be edited to read " Chapter One " and so on . Every other day he will ask , " Mom , would you spell twelve " . I do not know why after all this time he can spell every other number , but not twelve , but for some reason , he can 't . There are many other words he will me to spell but " twelve " is a constant . He figured out that the V means ' five ' , so along with spelling out the chapter numbers , he is also assigning them his version of a Roman Numeral . I say his version because he knows V is 5 , so Chapter 13 is edited to read " VIIIIIIII " or sometimes " IIIIIIIIV " . In any case , he is adding 5 ( V ) + 8 ( I 's ) to get to 13 . He was never big on numbers , so if his own version of Roman Numerals moves his mind into " math mode " , all the better . The obsessive editing aside , he changes sentences into new sentences that make sense . He changes words into words that mean the same thing . He will ask me from time to time what a word means and then comes up with an edit for that word that means the same thing . He is learning , he is writing full sentences , he is learning what words mean and there 's a little bit of math happening , so YES , I let him write in his books . I made the mistake of throwing away 9 or 10 books about 15 years ago . They were books I was sure he hadn 't looked at or touched in years , but he knew ! For years , until just recently , whenever he left the house to get on the bus for school and then work , his last words to me were " Books are staying here " , every single day . When I heard there was a " Big Trash Day " scheduled in April , I began getting DC ready . I talked to him about his books everyday until the week of . I explained that we were going to go through all of his books and he would tell me which ones we were going to " keep " or " throw away " . I explained that we would not throw away anything unless it was all right with him . I also explained that we would go through all of his books together and I would not do any of this without him . We started with his living room book - case . We went through each and every book . I was surprised at the amount of books he decided to throw away . I 'm sure he was already planning to replace them a little bit at a time during his many future trips to the book store . On Friday , I had a medical appointment and I was not allowed to lift anything heavy for the day , so we lost a " sorting day " right out of the gate . On Saturday we started in his room . We were attending a fundraiser that evening so between the sorting of books I was getting phone calls and texts to look for this and that and people wanting to drop items off for the fundraiser . I started getting anxious about all of these books . This book purge had to be completed today , before 4pm when we left of the fundraiser because DC was spending the night and the next day at his Dad 's - he was going to take DC directly from the fundraiser and I had promised DC that I would not sort or throw away anything with out his approval . His room took almost all day and in the process , I threw out my back , carrying said books downstairs . Now I thought I would not be going anywhere at all that evening , never mind getting through all of his books , but DC was a great help . Going through his room made me feel like I was in an episode of " Hoarders " - it always does . It is just amazing how many books he can fit in his little room ! We did it ! I told DC over and over again how proud I was of him , so he wouldn 't start getting anxious about all of the books that were going away and because I WAS very proud of him for agreeing to get rid of so many ! The following day , Doug came over and hauled them all outside . When DC came home from his Dad 's on Monday morning in time for his transportation to work , they were all gone , so he never gave it another thought . No worries , though . He has plenty of books left to edit and I assume he is already plotting the replacement all of the books that went away with nice , new clean versions to edit all over again . These shelves will be over flowing again in a few months time . DC has a favorite bookstore . I mean a very favorite bookstore ! It is located in Salem , MA and everytime we visit there - which is quite often , that store must always be one of our first stops . We are spending this weekend in Boston and decided to take a side trip into Salem . DC was excited to go to his favorite book store . Let me tell you , this place , The Derby Square BookStore has books piled up everywhere . It was always frightening for me . I am always afraid that if he moved just one book the wrong way , everything would come tumbling down on us . DC would not understand this . He couldn 't understand why he couldn 't go in . I tried to have him look at all of the books on the table hoping he would find just ONE that he was interested in - but he did not . The new owner saw how upset he was getting . We didn 't have to say anything to her or ask ; she shuffled DC and I inside and let him look around . We had to be careful as everything was being boxed up , but honestly we really didn 't have to be any more careful than we always had to be in there . I thanked her again . DC thanked her as well . It was such a nice thing for her to do ! She has no idea how she single - handedly saved the rest of the day for us ! I didn 't get to go into that kind of detail with her because she was busy with other customers . I wish I could have . Copyright © Take Another Step and Taking a Step at a Time - Autism , 2013 - Present . Unauthorized use and / or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog 's author and / or owner is strictly prohibited . Excerpts and links may be used , provided that full and clear credit is given to Vickie San Soucie and Taking It a Step at a Time - Autism with appropriate and specific direction to the original content . . . . and sometimes a smile is all that we need # 1000speak # Compassion " Mom , do you love meeee ? " Will there be cake ? Opinions , Opinions and More Opinions Everything is Related - Dr . Who Understanding Death Is Not Like a Disney Movie Book Store Blues Not the ' Real ' Autism ? It may not be all about the cake . . . In the merry old land of OZ - October reruns # FBF Take Another Step Take Another Step The red balloons are all over town today . The red balloons that DC loves to much … . It must be close to ' Co - lation ' ( Graduation ) Day at the high school … . From June 2015 : We may never pass this way again - Happy ' Co - lation ' It 's that time of year when the red balloons decorate mailboxes all over town , [… ] Having grown up in the 60 's and 70 's , I was very aware of the Vietnam War . I may not have understood the politics of it , but I was acutely aware of the turmoil that was going on in the country at the time . I do remember desperately wanting to be a " hippie " so that I [ … ] Back in the " Olden Days " , stimming was actually something that we ( parents and the school system ) worked hard to stop . We were trying to normalize ( their word , not mine ) our children - we did not know any better . In our minds , we were trying to overcome autism and teach our children to behave the [ … ] DC always has written me little notes or drawn me pictures of hearts and flowers . Some of the time it happens when he thinks he might be in trouble for something but I do also get notes and flowers occasionally for no reason at all . Lately , any time there is a craft or project to be [ … ] At 24 years of age , DC started having seizures . * * I worried about this when he was younger as I knew autism and seizures often go hand in hand . I had also always heard that in many cases , if your child has seizures when they are younger , they might stop when they hit puberty or if [ … ] I never felt as if I had a " hometown " . Of course I do , but I don 't have a special affinity to the town where I was born . We moved away from the town where I was born when my mother re - married . I was five and my brother was 4 . We moved away from her hometown [ … ] The following was written a few years back . It was written more about the discourse within the autism community and not about autism awareness or acceptance . In actuality , I suppose it could be looked at as a piece supporting the awareness , acceptance and respecting the differences in the ways parents view autism . There is far [ … ] Copyright © Take Another Step and Taking a Step at a Time - Autism , 2013 - Present . Unauthorized use and / or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog 's author and / or owner is strictly prohibited . Excerpts and links may be used , provided that full and clear credit is given to Vickie and Taking It a Step at a Time - Autism with appropriate and specific direction to the original content . |
We went away this weekend to NYC and Sleepy Hollow . We try to take a Halloween Weekend every year to somewhere either " Halloweenish " , Spooky , Historical or where costumes are involved . We will be going to a ComicCon the weekend after Halloween ( that counts ) so we decided to do just a quick overnight to Sleepy Hollow this weekend . Our usual Halloween destination is Salem MA , but we 've switched it up the past couple of years mainly due to the fact that Doug is < insert colorful metaphors > of going to Salem - I , on the other hand , never tire of it . We had already done a weekend in Sleepy Hollow a couple of years back . We did just about everything there was to do with the exception of the BLAZE . I did not know that in order to do anything in Sleepy Hollow in October , tickets must be purchased on - line ahead of time . Fortunately , once I discovered this and by the skin if my teeth , I was able to get tickets for everything else . Knowing his propensity to over - pack DVD 's for the sole purpose of stacking them next to him while he watches YouTube on his computer , and knowing full well there would be a visit to a bookstore at some point during the trip , I told him that he could only bring 5 DVD 's and 2 books . I said it more than once . I just didn 't want to have to keep track of a bunch of unnecessary stuff and try to carry a bunch of unnecessary stuff . I just wanted to pack light and get this over with . ( I did forget my jacket in the room , so I really couldn 't manage to keep track of the necessary stuff - turns out , they don 't ship forgotten things . We have to go back and get it ) . When I went to grab the charger for his phone , I found that he already packed that as well . I found THAT to be a bit impressive . He is usually only concerned with his books , DVD 's and laptop . We spent the day in New York City . We visited all of his favorite places and headed out for Sleepy Hollow about 3 pm . All I wanted to do was sleep for a little while before dinner and the Blaze . In the room I was just telling Doug what a great job DC did packing only what I told him to and remembering his charger , when I noticed a good 15 to 20 DVD 's sitting next to his laptop . Now , this has been an issue before and the celebration over him being sneaky and figuring out that he could just hide them is long over with . I do have to give him props for figuring out if he packed his own charger there would be no reason for me to go into his backpack ( a new level of sneakiness ) , but like Tonya in ' All the … . . small things ' , I have to be the mother , even though I knew full well what would be in store for me after reprimanding him . DC only gets to use his laptop and DVDs on the weekends . That has been the rule for many years . Losing his computer privileges is the only thing that EVER makes any kind of impression on him . " DC , you lied to me again . I told you the last time you lied to me that you only had one more chance before your lost your computer for the weekend . This was your last chance , so no computer for the weekend . " ( Seriously , as punishments go , this is really not much of one . It was all ready Saturday night . We would be going out soon and we were leaving the hotel the next morning , but this did not matter to him ) . He is sorry for absolutely everything ! Partially he believes " I 'm sorry " will get him out of anything . Like a typical man , he thinks that saying " I 'm sorry " even if he doesn 't know what he 's sorry about will get him out of anything or at least get me to stop talking . If he really wants to bring it home , he goes to : " I 'm ' ter - bly ' sorry " or " I am soooooo sorry " . He 'll even throw in a " Can you ever forgive me ? " ( movie line ) , if he thinks it 's necessary . He says he 's sorry , WHILE he 's doing something he shouldn 't , and will continue right on doing whatever it is because he 's covered , he already said he was sorry . Or he 'll say he 's sorry when he 's about to do something he knows he 's not supposed to do . He 's covered , he said he was sorry ! I heard this and variations of this throughout the evening all recited 2 inches from my face . I won 't go into the amount of times I explained to him that just because he promises not to do it again does not get him out of the punishment he was already given . I understood that he was sorry and I was proud of him for being sorry …… believe me , it was covered and covered . There are times when DC really does not understand what he has done wrong and I will speak with him and try to get him to understand - this was not one of those times . He knew exactly what he was doing while he was doing it . I can not just let everything go , even though at this point I really wanted to get some sleep . If I gave in now he 'd know that I would give in the next time . As many times as he brought it up , there was an explanation for him . I love him , I always love him . I was not happy with the choice that he made to lie and sneak but I am not angry at him . If he does not do it again he would not lose his computer again . Monday was a holiday but the weekend was over , which meant his punishment was over . It also meant that he could not use his computer anyway because the weekend was over . He double checked the end of punishment fact with me and was extremely happy to hear that he was correct in his assumption . We were home all day on Monday and he was quite happy not to use his computer , because Monday is not " the weekend " . But he knew it was ON for the following Friday and I never heard another word about it . We went away this weekend to NYC and Sleepy Hollow . We try to take a Halloween Weekend every year to somewhere either " Halloweenish " , Spooky , Historical or where costumes are involved . We will be going to a ComicCon the weekend after Halloween ( that counts ) so we decided to do just a quick overnight to Sleepy Hollow this weekend . Our usual Halloween destination is Salem MA , but we 've switched it up the past couple of years mainly due to the fact that Doug is < insert colorful metaphors > of going to Salem - I , on the other hand , never tire of it . We had already done a weekend in Sleepy Hollow a couple of years back . We did just about everything there was to do with the exception of the BLAZE . I did not know that in order to do anything in Sleepy Hollow in October , tickets must be purchased on - line ahead of time . Fortunately , once I discovered this and by the skin if my teeth , I was able to get tickets for everything else . Knowing his propensity to over - pack DVD 's for the sole purpose of stacking them next to him while he watches YouTube on his computer , and knowing full well there would be a visit to a bookstore at some point during the trip , I told him that he could only bring 5 DVD 's and 2 books . I said it more than once . I just didn 't want to have to keep track of a bunch of unnecessary stuff and try to carry a bunch of unnecessary stuff . I just wanted to pack light and get this over with . ( I did forget my jacket in the room , so I really couldn 't manage to keep track of the necessary stuff - turns out , they don 't ship forgotten things . We have to go back and get it ) . When I went to grab the charger for his phone , I found that he already packed that as well . I found THAT to be a bit impressive . He is usually only concerned with his books , DVD 's and laptop . We spent the day in New York City . We visited all of his favorite places and headed out for Sleepy Hollow about 3 pm . All I wanted to do was sleep for a little while before dinner and the Blaze . In the room I was just telling Doug what a great job DC did packing only what I told him to and remembering his charger , when I noticed a good 15 to 20 DVD 's sitting next to his laptop . Now , this has been an issue before and the celebration over him being sneaky and figuring out that he could just hide them is long over with . I do have to give him props for figuring out if he packed his own charger there would be no reason for me to go into his backpack ( a new level of sneakiness ) , but like Tonya in ' All the … . . small things ' , I have to be the mother , even though I knew full well what would be in store for me after reprimanding him . DC only gets to use his laptop and DVDs on the weekends . That has been the rule for many years . Losing his computer privileges is the only thing that EVER makes any kind of impression on him . " DC , you lied to me again . I told you the last time you lied to me that you only had one more chance before your lost your computer for the weekend . This was your last chance , so no computer for the weekend . " ( Seriously , as punishments go , this is really not much of one . It was all ready Saturday night . We would be going out soon and we were leaving the hotel the next morning , but this did not matter to him ) . He is sorry for absolutely everything ! Partially he believes " I 'm sorry " will get him out of anything . Like a typical man , he thinks that saying " I 'm sorry " even if he doesn 't know what he 's sorry about will get him out of anything or at least get me to stop talking . If he really wants to bring it home , he goes to : " I 'm ' ter - bly ' sorry " or " I am soooooo sorry " . He 'll even throw in a " Can you ever forgive me ? " ( movie line ) , if he thinks it 's necessary . He says he 's sorry , WHILE he 's doing something he shouldn 't , and will continue right on doing whatever it is because he 's covered , he already said he was sorry . Or he 'll say he 's sorry when he 's about to do something he knows he 's not supposed to do . He 's covered , he said he was sorry ! I heard this and variations of this throughout the evening all recited 2 inches from my face . I won 't go into the amount of times I explained to him that just because he promises not to do it again does not get him out of the punishment he was already given . I understood that he was sorry and I was proud of him for being sorry …… believe me , it was covered and covered . There are times when DC really does not understand what he has done wrong and I will speak with him and try to get him to understand - this was not one of those times . He knew exactly what he was doing while he was doing it . I can not just let everything go , even though at this point I really wanted to get some sleep . If I gave in now he 'd know that I would give in the next time . As many times as he brought it up , there was an explanation for him . I love him , I always love him . I was not happy with the choice that he made to lie and sneak but I am not angry at him . If he does not do it again he would not lose his computer again . Monday was a holiday but the weekend was over , which meant his punishment was over . He double checked that fact with me and was extremely happy to hear that he was correct in his assumption . We were home all day on Monday and he was quite happy not to use his computer , because Monday is not " the weekend " . But he knew it was ON for the following Friday and I never heard another word about it . Now I know what this question will be , there is only one question he asks in this manner . He asks it in the exact same way every weekend . I am sure that somewhere along the line , when DC wanted to use his computer , I told him to " ask me the question , instead of using one word " - and this became " Mom , may I ask you a question ? " He asks no other questions in this way , only this one . The question is not really even a question , it is a statement . The only actual question we have here is him asking me if he ' may ' ask me a question …… but close enough . DC has his rituals . I know them - I am used to them . It 's only when I sit back and watch the whole thing from beginning to end do I realize just how involved some of them are and just how long many of them take to complete . During the week as soon as Mrs . H . leaves , DC runs up to his room to get his book . This book must be on the chair next to him at the kitchen table . He has his chair at the table where he reads or edits his books , but the chair next to him is also off - limits because this is where his book must sit . No one can sit in his editing chair and Mrs . H . is the only one allowed to sit in the book chair . The 3 book rule was instituted because DC would travel from room to room with his pile of books . They were not the books he planned to read , they were the books he moved from spot to spot in the house according to what room he was in . With his pile of books in place he would then go and get another book to read . This pile of books grew and grew until I was afraid that he would fall down the stairs carrying them because he could no longer see over them . These were also not small paperbacks , they were large heavy books . The 3 book rule meant that he was only allowed to carry around 3 books at a time . The 3 book rule was hard for him . He would try to " hide " an extra book or two in the pile , so the three book rule was adjusted . The 3 book rule is now the one book rule . This seemed much easier for him to manage . The temptation to try to hide and additional book in the pile was gone as there was no longer a pile . The one book gets moved to the chair when he is in the kitchen , the corner of the coffee table when in the living room and a chair next to his bed in his room . After all of this back and forth , up and down , does he actually watch any of the movies he so carefully sorted , stacked and arranged ? Rarely . He opts for YouTube . Many of you know that DC has a complete , over the top , obsession with all things Disney . This obsession began when he was probably 6 months old . He loved to watch those Disney Sing - A - Long videos , over and over again . DC did not take naps as a baby . He did not like the playpen . He liked the bouncing chair but was over it after a few days . The swing , lasted a little bit more than a few days , but he was quite over that after a week or two . He did not like to play with toys . He was not happy unless he was being carried around . These sing - a - long tapes were the only thing that captured his attention . So yes , I used them because for 30 minutes , I was free to do something else . He graduated quickly to full length movies . The " Jungle Book " was the first full length movie he owned . I was a bit surprised that he was able to pay complete attention for the entire length of a 90 minute movie at 9 months old . His obsession with Disney grew from there , especially for Cinderella . The boy loved his princesses ! It got to the point that this " one movie " or " one Sing - a - long " a day was interfering with everything else we needed to go . He was so preoccupied with watching a movie that he did not want to do anything else . I didn 't want to take his movies away from him - he loved them , but I had to try to limit his movie watching to weekends only . This did not go over well at all . I remember one night , he was probably 4 years old , DC wanted to watch a Disney movie , I told him he could not . Now , at the time he was non - verbal , afraid of the dark and would never think to go anywhere without me . Communication was rough , he was still having meltdowns and really had a hard time understanding many things - but on this night , when I told him he could not watch a movie , he took his video put it under his arm , marched to the front door and signed " Dad " . He was determined to go to Dad 's house because apparently he would allow him to watch his movie . DC had officially learned how to play the " Guilt Card " . Obviously he was not going to go outside in the dark , but he did make me feel awful and as always , like the bad guy . No , he did not get to watch his movie , but I realized then that he understood much more than I had been giving him credit for . Cinderella led to his fixation with flowing dresses and shiny shoes . Out in public , he would grab at strangers wearing ' flowy ' dresses or skirts . He would also get on all fours to stare at their shiny shoes . This was not always welcomed by the people wearing the " Cinderella - like " garb . I had to always be aware of everyone around us at all times and what they may be wearing to avoid an uncomfortable situation . Around this time , I had a long ' flowy ' gauze type skirt . It was hand washable of course . I always had to be careful about drying it . We lived on the second floor and I was afraid that if I were to hang it to dry on the clothes line , DC would try to go out there to play with it - yes , among the other worries and issues these were the other things I had to think about . So I used to hang it on a hanger from the shower head and close the shower curtain , so he would not see it . One night , in the middle of the night , I woke to giggles , and some thrashing about . I went into the bathroom to find DC in the bathtub playing with the hanging shirt . I got rid of the skirt not long after . There was ONE Disney book in his classroom when he was in his " in - between birth to 3 and Kindergarten " SPED classroom . It was the Little Mermaid . His teacher hid this book on a daily basis , because he could not concentrate on anything else knowing the book was in the classroom . Everyday he found it . She went to great lengths in hiding it - finally hiding it in a storage closet where DC had never once stepped inside - but as always he found it . It was almost as if he could sense it . It took awhile but we finally had the movies in check and he did get past searching for that book . I didn 't want to take Disney away from him altogether , I wanted him to learn to live with Disney but not be overtaken by it . When he seemed to be in that place , it was decided it would be safe to take him to Disney World without him regressing back into his Disney - Obsessed behavior . Moving on to grammar school , we thought the Disney book distraction was behind him . Just to play it safe , his new teachers removed Disney of any kind from the classroom before the school year began . We thought we had this covered , but little did I know , there was an entire Library in this school , just full of Disney books . Realizing very quickly that this was becoming a problem , they were removed as well ( for the first few months he was there , anyway , then they slowly came back so he was not overwhelmed with a large number of books all at once ) . Now that he was becoming more and more verbal , he began reciting random movie lines . The lines he recited did not always have anything to do with what was going on at the time ( they still don 't ) , they were just what might have been spinning around in his head at the time . Some were recognizable right away , others were obscure lines that really many people would not know . While dropping him off at Daycare one morning before school , he bowed to me and said " Thank you Lucifer " . Now I know that Lucifer is Cinderella 's cat , but really , how many other people could make that connection ? Fortunately the Daycare staff , got it but I still felt it necessary to e - mail his teacher just in case , to let him know that , no , we were not worshiping Satan at home . Now that he is older , he has more of a handle on his obsession . He is not so distracted by Disney that he can 't or won 't do anything else . Still , he is limited to movies only on weekends . He will spout the random movie line . He still loves his princesses . He will almost always assign anyone he meets a princess or Disney character name . And if you are wearing a ' flowy ' dress , he will to ask you to spin ……… . ( most people oblige ) Before I get to that - the evening after we came back from Atlantis , we decided to give the dining room a try for dinner . I am usually not a big fan of eating in the dining room with DC . The tables are crowded with strangers . I get anxious because DC , although pretty well - behaved in restaurants , can get a little bit loud and chewing with his mouth closed does not come naturally to him , he has to be reminded continuously . When he does remember on his own , he feels the need to point it out to me throughout the entire dinner . He likes to bring a book with him whenever we go out to eat , but at these crowded tables , it is not always possible , there just isn 't enough room . I was never of the mind that other people should be made to just accept DC 's behavior . Yes , if I am trying to manage the situation I can live without the stares and comments - but letting him do whatever he wants in the name of awareness , is not something I ever subscribed to . I do not believe that every behavior can or should be blamed on his autism - it is never used as an excuse . Letting him run around to other tables , throwing items or any other behavior that may have crept up when he was younger , just because he has autism , was not going to happen . I don 't expect other people in a restaurant , who are out to have a nice time for themselves , to have to make allowances for his behavior . In the past and for the most part , when he was younger , I 've had to take him outside to calm down if it didn 't look like the situation could be managed inside or we 've left places altogether . I agree that we need to raise awareness and acceptance , I do not agree that we have no regard for other people . To me , and this is my opinion only , that is not raising awareness about autism , but causing resentment . He has as much right to go anywhere and participate in anything as everyone else does and as I said , there were and still are times when he does get too loud or gets too anxious and yes , I do believe that some allowances should be made in the name of awareness , just as allowances should be made for young children that don 't necessarily have control of themselves out in public - we know all children will never be 100 % well behaved in public , and we know that our children will not either - but letting them do just anything they want and calling it " awareness " - I just don 't get that . When we were seated , we were glad to see only 3 other chairs and place settings , this meant ( hopefully ) only one other family . The other family arrived . They were a very nice couple from New Jersey with a 6 - year - old named " Jimmy " . They didn 't seem to be uncomfortable with DC and the very best thing was that Jimmy didn 't seem to be afraid of DC as some young children seem to be ! He put up with him hugging the stuffing out of him and tried to communicate with him . Jimmy 's mother and father didn 't seem to mind being called " Jimmy 's Mom " and " Jimmy 's Dad " whenever DC had something to say to them . DC also had plenty of room for his ever - present book . After dinner we decided to go to Karaoke or " Okey Okey " in DC - speak . We attended the night before and DC seemed to like it . He even sang " Over the Rainbow " . Again , people recognized him throughout the next day so once again , he was loving his " celebrity status " . We tried to pick a different song , but there were so many and I couldn 't come up with one off the top of my head that we could find in all of the listings . We also didn 't want to waste too much time getting his name in because although he seemed to like it , I knew he wasn 't going to sit there for hours waiting for his turn to come up , so " Over the Rainbow " it was … . again . She was wonderful and the audience was wonderful . He was thrilled . Celebrity status in tact , we headed back to the room - DC 's favorite place . Once in CoCo Kay , we opted for the glass bottom boat tour before hitting the beach . It was only an hour - long so we thought it would not be too much for DC . I am , by nature a " people watcher " . The people sitting across from me may have had the impression it would be much longer trip or that we may be shipwrecked 30 feet from shore , as they brought most of the breakfast buffet with them . The man next to me was very entertaining as well . He was not having any of this . His wife , on the other hand was very excited about the whole thing . At one point the ship hand began diving under the glass and bringing up live sea creatures to pass around ( I suspect they already had these creatures on the boat , but they made a nice production of him driving ) . We took the tour that went to the Hemingway House . We 'd been past it or in front of it many times , but we had never taken the time to go inside . We met with the tour guide who announced that we would be walking approximately 2 miles in total , but the tour would take at least 3 hours ! By the time we made it to the Hemingway House , DC had had enough . I saw a look on his face I hadn 't seen in years . Now DC does get anxious when he arrives anywhere , even if it is somewhere he really wants to be . I can always see the change , on his face . He stims , he repeats random words - " Tinkerbell , Tinkerbell , Tinkerbell " or " Another Wendy , Another Wendy , Another Wendy " and his eyes get wide . This was different . This looked like it was going to be a full on meltdown . I took him off the crowded porch and tried to walk around to the back of the house where there were fewer people . We stayed there until he calmed down . Fortunately , he was able to calm himself down . He was calm enough that he said he would go inside . We quickly went through the house and informed the tour guide that DC was having trouble and we left the tour . It took all of 10 minutes to get to Hard Roc " Caf " and all was fine once again . Thursday was a tough day on board . It was a day at sea , heading back to Baltimore . It was cold , so not only was every passenger on board but most were indoors . There was not a lot for DC to do . He just wanted to stay in the room but I told him we had to leave for a little while at least so the invisible cabin steward could come to clean the room . We tried to go shopping , but it was so crowded that no one could move . We managed to make our way into one store where DC found a Disney coloring book and markers ( not that he didn 't have both in the room , but these were NEW ) . After wandering the entire ship , looking for somewhere for him to sit and color , we found a table in one of the bars , filled with others that seemed to have the same idea . I had more coffee and DC colored happily for a good long while . After lunch , DC REALLY wanted to go back to the room - " I have to get some rest " . He was happy to be back in the room , reading his books and watching " Two - Five " . He fell asleep as he always does , and fortunately that killed a few more hours and it was time for Dinner ! By Friday morning , DC was ready to go home . He had a great time , but he was ready . Our original plan was to stop off in New York City ( Dc 's favorite place ) on the way home , but all we heard about during the last few days on board was just how much snow had been falling since we left Baltimore a week earlier . So we decided we 'd better just get driving when we got into port . We decided the stick to our decision to just drive home because we did not know how bad it was going to be closer to home . Fortunately the New York City stop was also going to be a surprise , so DC didn 't know anything about it . The change in plans did not pose a problem . We love Salem , MA . It is one of the places , along with New York City , NY and Mystic CT , that we visit any time we have the chance . Salem has been our Halloween / October destination for many , many years . We also try to visit during the year when it is not as crowded . So we are in Salem a couple - three times a year , at the least . DC has a " favorite book store " everywhere we visit , but the Derby Square Book Store is his all time favorite anywhere . We last visited Salem in April on Easter weekend . We were spending the weekend in Boston and decided to take a quick trip to Salem on Saturday . When we arrived at DC 's beloved bookstore , we were horrified to find that it was closed ! ( see : Book Store Blues ) Fortunately we found that it would not be closed forever . The new owner was outside with a table of books to sell , but no one was allowed inside because they were packing up all of the old stock . She let DC inside , thankfully and saved the day ! Earlier this month , I had the week off , DC also had the week off from his job / program so that he could attend camp . I wanted to take a trip to Salem but we didn 't have a lot of options even though we were both off because I didn 't want him to miss a day of camp . We opted to go on Sunday . Before I told DC that we would be visiting Salem , I had to be sure that this store had re - opened . I started searching twitter , instagram and the web for information of the re - opening . I was able to out that the store had re - opened , under the name of " Wicked Good Books " , but did not know if it was open on Sundays . I didn 't know if we should take the chance . I didn 't know what he would do if we went there a second time to find it closed . But I also did not know when we would have the next opportunity to visit . I talked to DC and explained we may be going to Salem on Sunday . The first thing he said was " Bookstore " . I told him that yes , his book store was open again , but I wasn 't sure if it was open on Sunday . Me : " Do you understand , DC ? It might not be open on Sunday . But don 't worry , if it is not open we will go back another time . " My next concern was that he was going to be upset when he saw the store was " different " ( thankfully for me - now I didn 't have to worry that books were going to come toppling down on him ) . I began explaining this to him back in April , when we knew it was changing owners , and more - so as soon as we decided to go to Salem in July . I got the standard " Okay , Mom . I understand " reply from DC , and again , I couldn 't really know if he really did understand , but I was really hoping that he did . He found 3 or 4 books that he wanted and we went to the register to pay . The owner recognized him immediately from our April visit and she commented that she was also worried that it would upset him to find so many changes . I told her that I had been explaining this to him since we left in April but I still wasn 't sure how he would react when he actually got here . Finally our Town scheduled a " Big Trash " pickup . These pickups used to be an annual event - when I say " event " , I mean an " event " . It was as if a newsletter went out to all of the surrounding towns and as soon as one piece of " big trash " hit the curb , the caravans of cars and pickup trucks descended . DC and I moved to this town 20 years ago , for the school system . At the time this town had the best special education program in the state . We moved here from a relatively big city , where to be honest , I thought I 'd seen everything , until " Big Trash Day " came around , that is …… . . I had never seen anything like this … but I digress . Due to budget cuts , " Big Trash " pickup went from every year to every other , then finally there was no pick up at all . This year , the town decided to schedule a " Big Trash " event in April . It has been about 5 years since the last one . As many of you know , DC loves books . His favorite activity is going to the bookstore . I 'm sure he averages 3 or 4 visits per month . This means we have hundreds of books squashed in our little house . He has so many , that I really can 't keep track of what he has . If he 's picking out a book at the store , I don 't really remember if he already has it at home and he really doesn 't care if he already has it . Obviously if it is a Disney book , I know he has at least 4 or 5 versions of the particular story but I really can 't remember if he has the version he wants to buy … . . or ……… I know he HAD it at one time , but we may have gotten rid of it during the last " Big Trash " event . Needless to say , we end up with many duplicates . Yes , some of his editing is obsessive . One of the many versions of the " Wizard of OZ " that he owns was an older version where the " Tin Man " was referred to as " The Tin Woodsman " . He went through every single page of the 200 - plus page chapter book and colored out ( crossing out is not good enough ) the word " Woods " on every page , so that it read " Tin Man " . He also likes his chapter numbers to be written out . Chapter 1 has to be edited to read " Chapter One " and so on . Every other day he will ask , " Mom , would you spell twelve " . I do not know why after all this time he can spell every other number , but not twelve , but for some reason , he can 't . There are many other words he will me to spell but " twelve " is a constant . He figured out that the V means ' five ' , so along with spelling out the chapter numbers , he is also assigning them his version of a Roman Numeral . I say his version because he knows V is 5 , so Chapter 13 is edited to read " VIIIIIIII " or sometimes " IIIIIIIIV " . In any case , he is adding 5 ( V ) + 8 ( I 's ) to get to 13 . He was never big on numbers , so if his own version of Roman Numerals moves his mind into " math mode " , all the better . The obsessive editing aside , he changes sentences into new sentences that make sense . He changes words into words that mean the same thing . He will ask me from time to time what a word means and then comes up with an edit for that word that means the same thing . He is learning , he is writing full sentences , he is learning what words mean and there 's a little bit of math happening , so YES , I let him write in his books . I made the mistake of throwing away 9 or 10 books about 15 years ago . They were books I was sure he hadn 't looked at or touched in years , but he knew ! For years , until just recently , whenever he left the house to get on the bus for school and then work , his last words to me were " Books are staying here " , every single day . When I heard there was a " Big Trash Day " scheduled in April , I began getting DC ready . I talked to him about his books everyday until the week of . I explained that we were going to go through all of his books and he would tell me which ones we were going to " keep " or " throw away " . I explained that we would not throw away anything unless it was all right with him . I also explained that we would go through all of his books together and I would not do any of this without him . We started with his living room book - case . We went through each and every book . I was surprised at the amount of books he decided to throw away . I 'm sure he was already planning to replace them a little bit at a time during his many future trips to the book store . On Friday , I had a medical appointment and I was not allowed to lift anything heavy for the day , so we lost a " sorting day " right out of the gate . On Saturday we started in his room . We were attending a fundraiser that evening so between the sorting of books I was getting phone calls and texts to look for this and that and people wanting to drop items off for the fundraiser . I started getting anxious about all of these books . This book purge had to be completed today , before 4pm when we left of the fundraiser because DC was spending the night and the next day at his Dad 's - he was going to take DC directly from the fundraiser and I had promised DC that I would not sort or throw away anything with out his approval . His room took almost all day and in the process , I threw out my back , carrying said books downstairs . Now I thought I would not be going anywhere at all that evening , never mind getting through all of his books , but DC was a great help . Going through his room made me feel like I was in an episode of " Hoarders " - it always does . It is just amazing how many books he can fit in his little room ! We did it ! I told DC over and over again how proud I was of him , so he wouldn 't start getting anxious about all of the books that were going away and because I WAS very proud of him for agreeing to get rid of so many ! The following day , Doug came over and hauled them all outside . When DC came home from his Dad 's on Monday morning in time for his transportation to work , they were all gone , so he never gave it another thought . No worries , though . He has plenty of books left to edit and I assume he is already plotting the replacement all of the books that went away with nice , new clean versions to edit all over again . These shelves will be over flowing again in a few months time . DC has a favorite bookstore . I mean a very favorite bookstore ! It is located in Salem , MA and everytime we visit there - which is quite often , that store must always be one of our first stops . We are spending this weekend in Boston and decided to take a side trip into Salem . DC was excited to go to his favorite book store . Let me tell you , this place , The Derby Square BookStore has books piled up everywhere . It was always frightening for me . I am always afraid that if he moved just one book the wrong way , everything would come tumbling down on us . DC would not understand this . He couldn 't understand why he couldn 't go in . I tried to have him look at all of the books on the table hoping he would find just ONE that he was interested in - but he did not . The new owner saw how upset he was getting . We didn 't have to say anything to her or ask ; she shuffled DC and I inside and let him look around . We had to be careful as everything was being boxed up , but honestly we really didn 't have to be any more careful than we always had to be in there . I thanked her again . DC thanked her as well . It was such a nice thing for her to do ! She has no idea how she single - handedly saved the rest of the day for us ! I didn 't get to go into that kind of detail with her because she was busy with other customers . I wish I could have . Copyright © Take Another Step and Taking a Step at a Time - Autism , 2013 - Present . Unauthorized use and / or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog 's author and / or owner is strictly prohibited . Excerpts and links may be used , provided that full and clear credit is given to Vickie San Soucie and Taking It a Step at a Time - Autism with appropriate and specific direction to the original content . . . . and sometimes a smile is all that we need # 1000speak # Compassion " Mom , do you love meeee ? " Will there be cake ? Everything is Related - Dr . Who Opinions , Opinions and More Opinions Understanding Death Is Not Like a Disney Movie Book Store Blues Not the ' Real ' Autism ? It may not be all about the cake . . . In the merry old land of OZ - October reruns # FBF Take Another Step Take Another Step The red balloons are all over town today . The red balloons that DC loves to much … . It must be close to ' Co - lation ' ( Graduation ) Day at the high school … . From June 2015 : We may never pass this way again - Happy ' Co - lation ' It 's that time of year when the red balloons decorate mailboxes all over town , [… ] Having grown up in the 60 's and 70 's , I was very aware of the Vietnam War . I may not have understood the politics of it , but I was acutely aware of the turmoil that was going on in the country at the time . I do remember desperately wanting to be a " hippie " so that I [ … ] Back in the " Olden Days " , stimming was actually something that we ( parents and the school system ) worked hard to stop . We were trying to normalize ( their word , not mine ) our children - we did not know any better . In our minds , we were trying to overcome autism and teach our children to behave the [ … ] DC always has written me little notes or drawn me pictures of hearts and flowers . Some of the time it happens when he thinks he might be in trouble for something but I do also get notes and flowers occasionally for no reason at all . Lately , any time there is a craft or project to be [ … ] At 24 years of age , DC started having seizures . * * I worried about this when he was younger as I knew autism and seizures often go hand in hand . I had also always heard that in many cases , if your child has seizures when they are younger , they might stop when they hit puberty or if [ … ] I never felt as if I had a " hometown " . Of course I do , but I don 't have a special affinity to the town where I was born . We moved away from the town where I was born when my mother re - married . I was five and my brother was 4 . We moved away from her hometown [ … ] The following was written a few years back . It was written more about the discourse within the autism community and not about autism awareness or acceptance . In actuality , I suppose it could be looked at as a piece supporting the awareness , acceptance and respecting the differences in the ways parents view autism . There is far [ … ] Copyright © Take Another Step and Taking a Step at a Time - Autism , 2013 - Present . Unauthorized use and / or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog 's author and / or owner is strictly prohibited . Excerpts and links may be used , provided that full and clear credit is given to Vickie and Taking It a Step at a Time - Autism with appropriate and specific direction to the original content . |
The woman kept to the shadows , avoiding the torches that lit the streets . A hood concealed her face and black cloth was thrown over the basket in her arms . Little whimpers came from the basket , but the woman shushed it , moving through the unfamiliar village slowly . She avoided the men walking home from the pub and went farther to the outskirts of town where there were smaller houses stuffed with squalling children . Fog rose up from the ground in the cold night air . The streets were tracks of dirt that the recent rain had turned into mud , and it sucked at the woman 's boots as she struggled to keep herself unnoticed . A pitiful cry came from the basket in her arms . The woman paused to reach her hand in and stroke the baby 's cheek . She was rewarded with a happy gurgle . The woman was caught off guard . She looked at the baby , so sweet and small and innocent . Had she gone far enough south ? The king would be hunting her , she knew . It had been a foolish thing to take revenge on the king , but she hadn 't counted on getting pregnant . The baby 's father had no idea where they were , or that the baby existed , but it was for the best . The babe could live out an anonymous childhood away from the chaos of her own life . A child 's cry rang out in the night , but it wasn 't her baby . The woman froze and listened hard to find where the noise was coming from . The child called out again , and the woman determined that it was the little house across the street . The roof was crumbling and the door was hanging at an angle . As the crying continued , a light was lit . The woman could see it through the shuttered window . Her baby glowed for an instant before returning to normal . She looked around to make sure no one had saw and knocked on the door , pulling her hood up to ensure that her face was hidden . A second later , the door was thrown open . " Ah , a bastard child , " the mother said . She smiled . " You sound like you 're some noble lady . You let the wrong lord give you his seed ? " " Yes , " the woman lied . If that 's what would make the mother take the baby , that 's what happened . " I need someone to keep her safe . " " How much gold do you have ? " the mother asked . The woman reached into the basket and pulled out a heavy pouch . " Oh , that 's a lot . " The mother took the bag . She juggled it with the child at her breast until she had a coin in her hand . She bit it . " Looks good to me . " " Will you take her ? " the woman asked . She gave a paranoid look around , but no one else was out on the street . She still hadn 't been followed . " Let 's see her first , " the mother replied . The crying inside got louder as a little girl with messy hair came up and hugged her mother 's leg . She was sobbing , and she wiped snot onto the mother 's skirts . " She 's just a normal baby , " the woman insisted . All the same , she removed the cover of the basket . A little baby girl looked up at the women . The mother drew in a breath . " That 's not a normal baby , " she said . The baby had bright purple eyes and pale white skin . A little tuff of black hair sprouted from her scalp . She smiled up at them as she grabbed for her little toes . " She is , " the woman insisted . " Will you take her or not ? You 'll get more gold if you do . It might take a year or two for me to return here , but you 'll get your gold . " The woman turned and left , making sure that her hood was still covering her face . Once she was out of the town , the woman found her horse . It whinnied in recognition and sniffed at the woman 's pocket for a treat , but she didn 't have time for that . She mounted him and galloped away , leaving her baby behind . Wild raced across the field as Flower barked happily , trailing behind with her tongue lolling out . Wild jumped over a hole and sped up even more , pushing her aching muscles until she slapped her hand against the rough bark . " I win ! " she yelled . She turned back and ruffled Flower 's head . The dog didn 't quite get the concept of racing , but she was getting there . If only she would realize that she was allowed to pass her master , she could start winning . Wild raced across the field as Flower barked happily , trailing behind with her tongue lolling out . Wild jumped over a hole and sped up even more , pushing her aching muscles until she slapped her hand against the rough bark . " I win ! " she yelled . She turned back and ruffled Flower 's head . The dog didn 't quite get the concept of racing , but she was getting there . If only she would realize that she was allowed to pass her master , she could start winning . " Back to the river ? " Wild asked . Flower cocked her head as Wild pointed over the hill . " Last one there carries the food home ! " She shot off again , the dog sticking by her heels . They made it to the river in no time , but Wild won once again . " You 're carrying everything home ! " She laughed and hugged Flower . She looked up and down the river for people , but there was nothing in sight . Small boats occasionally went up or down to carry cargo from town to town , but it happened seldom enough that Wild still felt comfortable living near the water . " There you go , girl , " Wild said as she flung a stick into the water . The river was wide and sluggish , rushing past only when rain swelled the banks and turned the water brown . Flower swam back with the stick in her mouth , shaking to cover Wild with water . " Wanna help me dig ? " Flower panted happily and followed Wild along the river as she searched for the juicy root that grew along the bank . Wild happily dove into the river to clean herself afterwards , lying out in the grass to let the warm sun dry her . She picked up her tattered clothing and slid it back on . She had fled the village with nothing but Flower and the clothes on her back . They were all but shreds of fabric now . She 'd snuck into the village twice to steal clothes that hung out on the line , but she always delayed having to go back . She kept away from people as much as she could . " How about you go find some meat while I make a basket ? " Wild said . She pointed towards the field , where she was sure there were plenty of birds and rabbits for Flower to find . The dog got the idea and shot off , leaving Wild alone to weave with the long grass near the riverbanks . She finished the basket quickly and set it aside , lying back and enjoying the sun on her face . She was always outside , but her skin stayed very pale , something the children had teased her about when she 'd lived in the village . Still , the children weren 't there and it was a beautiful day . Tiny fluffs of cloud drifted across the sky , none of them big enough to block the sun for long . Wild 's black hair grew hot from the sun , so she decided to take another dip in the river to cool herself . The sun moved across the sky and Flower hadn 't yet returned , so Wild decided to weave a sling . Flower must have caught something big , maybe enough meat for a few nights . If it hadn 't been for Flower , Wild would have starved after leaving the village . Wild didn 't know how to hunt , but Flower had . She caught meat enough for the both of them , even in the winter . Wild tried to share her plants with Flower to make up for it , but the dog wanted nothing to do with them . Wild made herself a grassy pillow and watched the clouds roll by , unaware that she was drifting off . She woke up suddenly when a wet nose pushed insistently against her cheek . Wild opened her eyes and screamed . " Go away ! " Wild yelled . She grabbed her basket of roots and backed up , ready to run . Her chest constricted as panic flowed through her , but Flower didn 't move . " Flower , come . " " No … please , " the man said . Flower stayed at his side . Tears sprung to Wild 's eyes . She didn 't want to die , but she couldn 't leave Flower behind . Finally , Wild noticed that there was blood all down his chest , darkening his brown shirt . His face was pale and he seemed to have trouble breathing . His hands were covered in blood as well , she realized , but she guessed that it was probably his own . " What 's wrong with you ? " Wild asked . She searched the man with her eyes , but she couldn 't see any weapons . Maybe he wasn 't there to hurt her , but he was the first person to have found her secluded field and she didn 't want him there . She didn 't want anyone there save herself and Flower . " Far away from here , " Wild said . She relaxed a little and dropped her basket to the ground . If he didn 't know where the village was , he couldn 't know about her , which meant he couldn 't be out to hunt her down . " Are you okay ? " " Fine , " the man said , giving a weak chuckle . It was followed up with a coughing fit . " Just need … some whiskey … and I 'll be fine . " The man gave her a weak smile . Flower licked at his face again , and the man put his arm around her for support . Flower was a big dog , and the man didn 't look very impressive beside her . Hunched over with his hand clutching his wound , he wasn 't very intimidating at all . " You 'll be … letting me die , then ? " " No . " She scowled at him . She didn 't want to deal with him , but she couldn 't very well let him die . That wouldn 't be right . " I 'll give you a bed . " " Hold on , " she said . She knelt down and wove a tiny basket as fast as she could . It was only the size of the palm of her hand , but it would do . She dipped it in the river and brought the water to his lips , repeating it when he spilled most of it down his shirt . " Why did an archer hit you ? " The man shook his head and accepted another drink of water . " I 'll take … that bed now . I hope … you don 't mind a man … dying in it . " " You won 't die , " Wild said , looking him over . Unless the growing darkness was concealing some additional hidden wound , she didn 't see why he couldn 't survive . Maybe he was inclined to dramatics . One of her step - sisters back at the village had been the same way , so she recognized the type . " You 're optimistic , " the man said . His voice was very faint . The little frogs had started chirping along the river some time ago , so Wild could barely hear him . " I can 't walk … much farther . " " Don 't worry , " Wild said . One of his arms were around her shoulders , and she had an arm around his waist . She bent over and scooped up his feet . He was heavy , but she managed . When she 'd first found her cave there had been many heavy stones to move to make it comfortable , and the man was nothing compared to them . " How ? " the man asked . He chuckled to himself a little , coughing up blood on Wild 's shirt . She frowned at that . She took good care of her clothes to stop them from wearing out . She didn 't want him bleeding on them . Flower stayed close to Wild 's side as she carried the man back to her cave . The air was starting to cool now that the sun had gone down , but she didn 't think that was why the man was shivering . His eyes slipped shut at some point , but she could feel that he was still breathing . " Flower , come back ! " Wild said . Flower never hunted after dark . But the dog was gone , and she knew better than to leave the injured man on his own . Well , she had to for a little while . She checked to make sure he was still breathing before running out to where she had seen some cobwebs that morning . They would do for stopping the blood , and she also knew of a plant that had leaves that would lessen the pain of someone who chewed them . Missy had chewed them for her back years before when she had lived in the village . She brought her supplies back and again checked the man 's breathing . It was shallower now , but she still wasn 't worried . A wild dog had once taken a bite out of Flower 's side that was so big she 'd been able to see her organs . Flower had healed up just fine with barely a scar . When the man refused to wake back up , Wild shoved the leaves into his mouth . " Chew these , " she said , even though she knew he couldn 't hear her . She forced his chin to go up and down , then massaged his throat until she was sure he swallowed it . She grabbed her stone knife from the corner of her cave and ripped open the front of his shirt , gently pulling the fibers away from the wound . He didn 't stir as she packed the wound with the cobwebs she 'd collected . He was very pale and her bed was now soaked with blood , but she moved away to start putting away the roots that she and Flower had collected . Sleep would heal him up just fine . Yhonn blinked his eyes open , his hands instantly going to the hole in his side . Only there wasn 't a hole . Yhonn poked the area , satisfied when it produced a stabbing pain . He wasn 't dead , then . The hole was still there . It just had healed . He must have been asleep for days . Weeks , maybe . He looked around and realized that he was still in the cave that the strange girl had led him to . The light was low , so he guessed that it was either early morning or late in the evening , and he smelled the rain before he heard it falling outside . He looked around for the girl , but she was nowhere to be seen . However , a minute later , the girl and her dog broke into the cave at a run . The dog skidded to a halt , only barely managing to stop before running into one of the cave walls . The girl was slightly more controlled , though she was giggling . " Only since yesterday , " the girl said . She shrugged . " Sorry about that . I think I gave you too much for the pain , but I didn 't want you to wake up hurting . " " I 'm sorry , did you say yesterday ? " Yhonn asked . He finally braved a look down to see that his shirt gaped open and that the wound had healed over with glossy pink skin . There wasn 't even a scab . How was that possible ? " Yeah . Are you hungry ? " she asked . She pulled a root out of a basket and handed it over . Yhonn took it slowly . " There would be meat , but Flower doesn 't like hunting in the rain and you distracted her yesterday . " " This is plenty , " Yhonn said . He ate silently , watching the girl as she yawned . Maybe she didn 't know how to tell time ? " How many nights was I asleep ? How many times did the sky go completely dark ? " " Once , " the girl said slowly , frowning at him . " Just last night , but it 's getting dark now . " She yawned again as her dog came to lean against her . " I said you were asleep since yesterday . " " Right , " Yhonn said . Now the girl clearly thought he was the stupid one . He chewed on the root some more . It was a little bitter , but he was grateful for it all the same . If she hadn 't found him and did whatever she had , he would certainly be a dead man . Maybe she was a witch ? Yhonn had never met a witch before , but the girl didn 't look like one . She did look like she was dangerously close to going naked , as her shirt looked close to unraveling , but she still didn 't look like anything more than a beautiful young girl . Witches were ugly things , if he remembered correctly , though it had been some time since his mother had told him those tales to frighten him . " Oh , right here , " the girl said . She threw the pack to him . He managed to catch it , wincing at the pain in his side . However , the pain wasn 't as bad as it should have been . The only explanation was that he hadn 't been as hurt as he 'd thought . Perhaps some sort of poison had caused delirium and he 'd slept it off . It was the only explanation . " Flower brought it for you . " " My mistake , " he said . " That 's an unusual name . " He pulled his extra shirt out of his bag and threw it at her . " Here , take this . " " You saved my life . You can keep it . " He barely had time to close his eyes before she was pulling off her current shirt to put on the dry one . She was lucky he wasn 't a different kind of man , for even a man in his state couldn 't help but notice what a pretty girl she was . Assured that she was done changing , Yhonn tried standing , and he was surprised to find that his guts didn 't feel like they would pour out of him . He 'd seen the scar , but he still didn 't believe that he had healed that fast . It was a dull ache that throbbed when he moved , but the pain was manageable , nothing like it should have been . " I have to relieve myself , " Yhonn replied . The girl shrugged and lay out on the floor . He felt bad as he saw the bloodied grass bed that had clearly once been hers , but she didn 't mutter a word of complaint . When he returned from his business , the girl had fallen asleep with her dog . He knew that the others would be waiting for him , but he knew he wouldn 't reach them without another night 's sleep . He lowered himself to the grass bed and fell asleep to the sound of the rain . He paused for a second , his smile falling . " I got caught somewhere where I shouldn 't have been . It was a mistake on my part . " " Must have been a big mistake , " Wild said . Wild nudged Flower , who was snoring loudly , and watched as she jumped up with comically big eyes . Without Flower making a racket , Wild could hear that it was still raining softly outside . Yhonn pulled a hood out of his bag and pulled it over his head . " Do you want to come with me ? " he asked . " I owe it to you to ask after you saved my life . You don 't have to live alone in this cave for the rest of your life . My friends can protect you from whatever you ran away from . " " I doubt that , " Wild said . No one could protect her from the villagers . It was a nice thought , but she knew it wasn 't true . Missy had warned her that word would spread from village to village of the pretty young demon that had killed the butcher 's boy . If she had gone to a village too close to her own , they 'd have killed her . Too far away and she 'd have risked being caught on the road . She didn 't know how to get around the kingdom , having never left the village until she 'd been chased out , so the cave had been the best place for her . Unless someone happened to tumble past the curtain of vines , no one could find her . " If you 're sure . " He nodded to her and walked to the entrance of the cave . " If you change your mind , I 'm heading west . " He gave her a little wave and left her there . She stared after him until Flower whined to go outside . Wild took her out into the rain , watching as Yhonn walked away . He turned to wave at her once more before he reached the crest of the hill and disappeared from view . " Come on , Flower . It 's raining . Hurry up . " There was never much to do in the rain , but Wild tried her best to keep busy . She reorganized the roots she had collected and put away the herbs that Yhonn hadn 't needed . She gathered up the grass bed Yhonn had dirtied and threw it outside of the cave . She couldn 't gather new grass until the rain stopped , but in the meantime , she could weave more baskets . If Flower was good , Wild could make her a hat . By midafternoon , Flower was sporting not only a woven hat , but a little vest as well . She sat patiently as Wild wove her a skirt , but she ran out of the wide grass she needed and she wasn 't about to go collecting it in the rain . She altered it to fit on Flower 's tail , but the dog wasn 't having any of that . After a few minutes of spinning around in circles , setting Wild into a fit of giggles , the dog managed to get it off and tear it to shreds . The cave used to feel warm , but now it felt empty , the rain outside echoing against the stone walls . Ever since the villagers ran her out of town she got sick by the thought of returning , but Yhonn had been nice . He hadn 't wanted to hurt her at all . Maybe if she went with him , she could help him find his friends and meet more nice people . " What do you think ? " Wild asked Flower . The dog cocked her head , her hat finally sliding to the floor . " You liked him okay . Should we go with him ? " Flower wagged her tail and stayed silent , as usual , her dark eyes serious . Wild knew that Flower was just a dog , but sometimes she fancied that she was a human in a dog 's body . There were fairytales like that , of innocent people being turned into animals , so maybe that 's what Flower was . It would have had to be a dumb person , though . As much as she seemed to listen to Wild when she talked , she still occasionally did her business inside the cave . That was never fun . Wild made up her mind and stood . She would go with Yhonn and get out of her cave . She looked around at what few things she owned and fingered the fabric of the shirt Yhonn gave her . He 'd given her a gift . That meant he was nice , right ? And certainly a nice man would keep the company of other nice people . As long as they didn 't go to the village , maybe no one would recognize her . She was taller now , and her hair was longer . She knew they wouldn 't have forgotten her , but her old village was in the east , not the west , so they couldn 't be headed there , and if she escaped them once she could do it again if she had to . She thought it would be easy to catch up with him , but after pushing through thorn bushes all night , there was still no sign of him . Maybe it had been silly of her to try to follow . Just as she considered turning back , she stumbled out of the forest and onto a road that had been cut through the woods . Before she could celebrate her victory , she stepped in a large pile of wet horse dung . " Ugh . " She looked up and down the road , but there was no sign of Yhonn . " Which way ? " she asked Flower . Flower licked her hand . That wasn 't helpful in the least . After considering it carefully , Wild decided to head north , farther away from the direction of the village . She knew the road would go through it eventually , so it would be best if she went the other way . If she didn 't find Yhonn before sunrise , she 'd turn back and return to the cave like nothing had ever happened . The rain stopped soon after . The rain had been a warm summer rain , but Wild shivered as she began to dry . Fog rolled across the road as Flower started to lag behind . Wild had to admit that she was tired too , but she didn 't want to stop . She didn 't want to go back , to have such sore feet for nothing . She 'd lived for years in the cave , but Yhonn was right . She couldn 't stay there forever . She was ready for more . She said that she would turn back when the sun rose , but she found herself keeping up the pace as the forest around her began waking up and the first hints of daylight trickled down to the worn path between . Exhaustion covered her like a blanket , but she didn 't want to turn back . It wasn 't until Flower sat down and refused to move that she acknowledged that they needed to rest . Daivat threw the knives rapidly . Thump . Thump . Thump . They landed together in a circle in the dummy 's chest . One had landed directly in the black X that marked where the dummy 's heart would be . Sweat poured down his back in the heat , but he retrieved the knives anyway , ignoring the ache of his muscles . Thump . Thump . Thump . This time , two of the knives landed on the X . The other hit the dummy 's arm . Daivat swore . An arm was no good , especially the left arm . Unless he attacked the rare left - handed swordsman , a hit like that wouldn 't stop the charging man from slicing him to pieces . Once more he got the knives , finally getting all three on the X . That wasn 't enough , though , not if he wanted to kill a real opponent . He practiced jumping from a crouch and throwing , throwing while he turned , and he was about to try throwing with his eyes closed when he saw Cyril approaching from behind . " You 've already mastered knives , why don 't you practice with a sword for once ? " the old man asked . His scar twisted his face gruesomely , but Daivat was used to it . He had known Cyril since he was a child , even before the outlaws had given him the scar . That had been back when his father was still alive . " Son , I 'm not a knight anymore . Not in practice . You called me Cyril as a child , don 't you think you could try it again ? " " For what ? " Daivat asked . He went to the training block and replaced the knives . His own knives were sharper , and he kept them on him at all times , but it would not do to dull them during practice . " Did she say what she needed ? " Daivat asked . Excitement built within him , but he pushed it away . More than anything he wanted to be head guard , but Cyril would hold that position until he died . Daivat had to be patient and wait for his time , and do whatever the queen bid until then . If she asked for one guard alone , it could mean only one thing ; she was looking for a royal guard . The king had five guards about him at all times , so Daivat assumed that would be his station . He could think of a guard or two that were more than a few years past their prime , but the king and queen were sentimental types . Rarely would they dismiss a loyal servant . " Only that she wanted one of my best men , " Cyril said . " Clean yourself and go see her at once . She has a job for you . " " Yes , sir , " Daivat said . He went to the guard house and cleaned off quickly , wiping away the sweat with a damp cloth . He put on his uniform and reported to the Throne Room as instructed . He wished that Cyril was there with him . He had never before had a private audience with the queen . You 're a grown man , Daivat thought . You don 't need Cyril to hold your hand . Still , he was nervous , and he found himself fiddling with the handle of a knife . " Are you the guard Cyril sent ? " the steward outside the door asked . Daivat nodded , his hands coming away from the knife like it was on fire . To handle a weapon like that before the queen would almost be treason , and he didn 't want her to catch him at it . " She 's expecting you . " The opulent doors were opened and Daivat strode through with more confidence than he truly felt . He knelt down on one knee when he reached the base of the stairs that led to the throne . What did the queen want him for ? At the very least he knew he couldn 't be in trouble . He honored the law to the fullest extent , not even visiting the whorehouses that the other guards constantly talked about . " Rise , " the queen said . Daivat could remember when he had been younger and Queen Tovah had been a beautiful woman , but those days were past . Age had softened her . She was graying and wrinkled , and her posture was relaxed , pronouncing the little curve of her stomach . She was smiling at him , which immediately set him at ease . She had a motherly smile . " You called for me , Your Highness ? " Daivat asked . Queen Tovah 's face was powdered , but there wasn 't enough red on her cheeks so she looked ghostly on the throne . King Rhett wasn 't in attendance , but the king rarely dealt with the guards ' business . Actually , he left an awful lot up to the queen , but no one would dare bring that up to him . If he was more content to sit back and allow his wife to rule , that was his business , not Daivat 's . Queen Tovah smiled even wider . She clapped her hands together , startling him . " Cyril did send me the best , I see . As you know , your father guarded Rosabel since the day she was born . He lived his life for the job , and he gave his life to save my daughter . " " I would be honored , Your Highness , " Daivat said . His chest tightened . Guarding a member of the royal family was one of the highest honors . The king and queen doted on their daughter - she was their only daughter , second in line to the throne after her younger brother . Cyril had to have trusted him greatly to offer him for the position . " That 's good to hear . I need someone who will take the job seriously . Sir Oran has been caught drinking on the job twice now , and Sir Julardo is too easily swayed by Rosabel 's sweet words . She 's growing into a young lady now , as you know , and she 's turning out to be a flirt . " Daivat blushed at her frank talk even as he swelled with pride . He was replacing two men , both of them knights . Had his dad still been alive , Daivat was sure he would be pleased . " In the end , I suppose it 's for the best . She must charm that prince from Blairford to keep our kingdoms at peace . " The queen waved her hand . " As you know , Prince Cadmus will be arriving in two days . He 's said to be ugly and crippled , but he 's Rosabel 's only choice , the poor thing . She won 't be happy , but she 'll do her duty . " " To you as well , Your Highness , " Daivat said . He bowed one final time and left the room . He allowed himself a brief smile once he was out . He needed to thank Cyril for putting him up for consideration . From his position , he could go anywhere . Rosabel would eventually marry and move away , which meant that he could guard the queen , or the king , or even the prince when he returned . If he worked hard , Cyril was sure to make him head guard in his place once he retired . He had to go tell his mother the good news . Wild woke up as someone prodded her with their boot . She jumped up into a crouch and grabbed the nearest weapon , which happened to be a rotting stick . Flower woke and began growling , baring her teeth at the strangers , most of whom were on horseback and staring down at her through the fog . The man who had woken her had fluffy red hair and a round face . Oddly , there were rings in his ears . Wild had never seen anything like it . " See , she 's alive , " the man said . He smiled at her , showing off his dimples . " What are you doing out here , girl ? Don 't you know there are outlaws in these parts ? " " Clearly . This is the girl that helped me , " he said to the others . He looked back to speak to one of the people on the horses . Once she took the time to examine them , Wild noticed that some of the men rode horses , and there were a few other horses that carried supplies , but most of them were on foot . The fog was very thick , stopping Wild from seeing how many people were in their party . " … good idea , " the man on the horse said . They were talking quietly , so Wild couldn 't hear everything that they were saying . She decided to talk to Rigel instead . He seemed nice too . " I am not a child , " Wild said . She scowled . " I 'm nearing twenty . " In truth , she didn 't know how old she was . Missy didn 't know when exactly she had been born and she had lost track after leaving the village , forgetting to count the years . She guessed at twenty , but she could have been older . What did it matter ? " Wild , " Yhonn said , pushing Rigel aside . He ignored Flower as she went over to beg for a scratch behind the ears . " I have someone I want you to meet . " " Who is it ? " Wild asked . Yhonn didn 't answer her as she followed him past the other men to the end of the group . The last horse in the line was a white stallion , though the rest of the horses were drab and mangy . Wild expected to see a large man in impressive armor on the horse , but to her surprise , it was a woman . Her hair was pulled back in a severe braid that ran all the way down her back , and there were little scars all up and down both sides of her face . They looked like they had been put there intentionally , but that couldn 't be right . Wild didn 't know who would want to do such a thing to a person . " Lady Sula , this is Wild , " Yhonn said . Was the woman really a lady ? She was wearing furs and had knives strapped to her boots , but Wild had never seen a lady before for comparison . " She may be useful to us for our mission tonight . " The woman nodded . " She could be useful , yes . We will continue to the capital . Talk to her and see if she will work with us . " She narrowed her eyes at Wild , who suddenly felt very small . Unlike Yhonn and Rigel , the woman 's eyes were hard and dark . She said nothing more , but Wild still felt judged . " Yes , my lady , " Yhonn said . Wild stood there and stared at Sula 's scars , but Yhonn pulled her away before she could ask about them . " Don 't stare at her , " Yhonn hissed . " Are you crazy ? " " Sorry , " Wild said . She hadn 't meant to , but she felt herself staring at everyone they passed . One man 's nose was too large for his face , another had a face like a rat . There were many men who were missing a hand , oddly , and one was missing an eye . She hadn 't seen so many people together in years , and for some reason , the sight left her feeling giddy . When night finally fell , they stopped to make camp . A small tent was assembled for Sula , but the rest of the men had to do with thin bedrolls or the dew - covered ground . The rain had stopped and the clouds had blown over , so it was quite a nice night . Wild enjoyed being under the stars , even if moisture seeped into her clothing . They weren 't close enough to the river to hear the frogs , but Wild watched the sky as little black bats danced around in their quest for bugs . No matter where she was , she would always love being in nature . The village had been nice , but that had been before she knew freedom . There was nothing better than the feeling of grass underfoot and the sun on her skin . " Why does she have so many scars ? " Wild asked , finally getting the question off of her chest once Sula went into her tent . She was almost sure that she wouldn 't be able to hear her from her position at a far fire . " I 'm just curious . " What was wrong with asking questions ? It wasn 't as if Sula could be unaware of her scars , and she hadn 't come off as the sort of vain person that would mind them . " Don 't be , " Yhonn said . " I 'll get you some food . You haven 't eaten all day . " He stood and left her and Rigel at the fire . Rigel smiled at her . " Don 't tell him I told you , but everyone knows , " he said , leaning in . Wild leaned in with him , looking around to see if anyone was paying attention . " When Sula was very young , her father undertook a mission similar to our own . He wanted to free the poor of this kingdom so that his family could escape from the dirt hovel they 'd lived in all their lives . He was murdered by the royal family that night , slain without even a trial , " Rigel said . The flames flickered on his face , casting strange shadows that almost acted as a mask . " She gives herself a new scar each year that she fails to get her revenge to remind her of the pain the royal family has caused her . " " The royal family killed her father ? " Wild asked . She remembered how Missy complained of the taxes back when she lived in the village , but she didn 't remember any talk of murder . The king must have covered it up . Those with the most gold can do what they wish , Missy had been fond of saying . " Really ? " Wild looked around at all the men . There was so many of them ! It would 've taken more than a dozen murders to call them all together . While she had been living in her cave , Eskia had been falling apart . She hadn 't had a clue . Rigel nodded . " That 's why we have to put a stop to it . There 's only a few of us , but we are strong . We 've been planning for months on how to best take on our current mission , and now it 's finally time to strike . " Wild nodded . " Yhonn said that I could help , but he didn 't tell me how . " She scratched behind Flower 's ear as the dog approached with a small squirrel in her mouth . Wild shook her head when Flower tried to share . " All for you . " " Yes , she 's the princess , " Rigel said . He leaned back and laughed . " We 'll use her for ransom to make the king pay back what he 's stolen from us all . " " Of course not , " Yhonn said , coming up behind them . He handed her a hunk of dried meat . " Once we get the money , we 'll return her . We 're not as heartless as the king and queen . " " But how can I help ? " She shivered as the breeze blew across the field , causing the grass to whisper and the horses to stir . " I 've never even seen the castle . " " The guards would notice right away if the princess vanished , so Sula was going to stay behind and pose as the princess for as long as she could to give us at least a day 's head start . We 've timed our mission with the arrival of the prince of Blairford , so Sula was going to claim that she was sick and she didn 't want the prince to see her . She was going to lock the door and refuse to let anyone in , then slip out the window the next night . " " They won 't , don 't worry , " Yhonn said . " I 'll personally wait for you with two horses . I 'm sure you 'll have no trouble getting out , and I 'll take us away with haste . The guards won 't have a chance to catch us . " " Of course , " Yhonn said . " We 've been planning this for months . You have no idea of the work that went into preparing for this , of the time it took to get a man inside the castle … " " Will you look after Flower while I 'm in there ? " Wild asked . The royal family sounded horrible . They deserved to pay for their crimes , and it would be fun to pretend to be a princess for a few hours . She had always wished to be a princess , ever since Missy had told her the silly stories at bedtime . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
On the last day of each month , I 'll take a story from the previous month , clean it up a little , see if I can make it better than the first time it appeared , and post it up . This time I 'm taking another look at A New World from Day 76 , wherein a man comes back from some time in a mental hospital in order to deal with delusions of a fantasy world - only to realize that it was real . I didn 't make any radical changes to it , but just put in a few sentences here and there to fill in some cracks . It 's an idea I 've had in my head for a while , so I want to figure out how to do it well . Adam let the door swing open and stood on the front step , looking into his house . His sister had kept it in good shape for him while he was … away . He wasn 't sure how long he 'd been gone , though . A few months in the hospital , but the time before that was indistinct . Cloudy . He touched that space in his memory like it was a sprained ankle , a bone - deep bruise , and then left it alone . He stepped inside and took a deep breath . The air smelled dry and flat , unused . He dropped his suitcase by the door , which he then shut and locked . The lights seemed too bright , but they were still working , so his sister must have been paying for the electricity . He felt bad , what she had been through . She didn 't have a lot of reason to be so kind to him , and they both knew it . There were too many years apart , too long between just a simple phone call and a chat . But when he asked why , she said , " Because you 're my brother . What else could I do ? " The water in the kitchen sink sputtered a little when he turned it on , but it came out cold and clear . He held his hands under it , letting it fill his palms and then wash away . For a moment , he felt something else . A stream . Snowmelt from high , impassable mountains . A woman , over his shoulder who made him smile . He spun around , and there was no one there . The memory , too , clouded back over and he couldn 't quite remember what it was he had remembered . But it made him feel sad , whatever it was . There was no food in the fridge , of course . It had been switched off and was disconcertingly warm when he stuck his hand inside to turn the dial and get the cold going again . There were probably menus somewhere , someplace he could order from . Even being away as long as he had , there would always be delivery menus . He went through a drawer under the phone until he found a bunch of menus from a Chinese place , Jade Hall . The menus , classic red - on - white printing , had a great sinuous dragon flowing across the top , and he found himself staring at it , unable to move , unable to look away . A voice came to him from the depths of his battered and broken memory , and it was terrifying . It resonated like a funeral bell the size of the world and held nothing but contempt for him and everyone else in creation . Adam felt a sudden pain in his arm , like someone had set a burning iron against it . He howled and grabbed at his sleeve , nearly tearing it off as he ran back to the sink to hold his arm under water . A sob broke through his teeth as he held his burned and mangled arm - and when he looked at it , the skin was clean and undamaged . The burning feeling was gone , along with the voice . The fear settled into his stomach like a lump of iron . " No , " he said . " No , no . " He started walking around the kitchen , gripping at the sides of his head . " This is just what the doctors said would happen . " He was aware that he was talking to no one , but the silence of the house seemed worse . It seemed to be watching him , waiting to see what he would do next . " Oh , hell , damn , damn , " he said , slumping down on the kitchen floor with his hands over his eyes . Doctor Greer had recommended against Adam leaving the hospital when he did . He called Adam into his clean , wood - paneled office and sat him down , and then looked at him with that weird , avuncular smile he had . " Adam , " he said . His beard gave his voice a gentle , muffled tone that probably went a long way towards calming his patients . " Adam , we want to help you , you know that ? " " Yes , Doctor Greer , " Adam said . He sat up straight and tried to push out a bright and cheerful voice from the back of his throat where it usually wanted to sit like a frog . " I know that . But I really feel like I 'm better now . " Smile . This would be a good place for a smile . " I think I 'm going to be okay . " " And that is wonderful to hear , Adam . " Doctor Greer took up Adam 's file and looked it over , as if he hadn 't been treating the man for months . " No more intrusive fantasies ? No more of those voices ? " Adam shook his head . " No , doctor , " he said , and it was true . He had gone a long time without flashing back to that strange reality he 'd built for himself . Without thinking he had to get back . Greer said it was just an escape fantasy , that it was all brought on by stress . Work , with the cutbacks . His mother 's death . His marriage . Nothing was staying the way it was supposed to stay - stable , reliable , true . The bargain that he thought he had made with the world was breaking down , and the things that he had counted on were slipping through his fingers . And so he had retreated , the doctors said . He had gone into his mind , into another world where things made sense . Where he could be the hero and impose order on the world and make it make sense . It was a fully - realized place in his mind , far better than the world he just happened to be born into . He 'd gone crazy , in other words . Nuts . Wacko . Or , in psychological parlance , " experienced a near - total disassociative state of mental dissonance . " And , after a lot of therapy and a regular regimen of medication , Adam knew that they were right . They had to be . He 'd gone off the deep end , lost his marbles , and when they found him in that field , laughing and crying at the same time , well , how else could you explain it ? What other explanation could there possibly be ? That he had gone to another world ? That he had become some kind of fantasy hero , battling dragons and saving princesses ? It made no sense . It never had , and when he walked out of the hospital that morning , Adam was ready to face the real world , the true world . The only world that was really real . " We are agreed , " that burning , horrible voice said again , and it made Adam cover his head and scream . It opened up cracks and fissures and gaps in his mind , and it let other things flow up out from between them . A great mansion gilded and perched atop a high mountain . A woman with eyes as blue as the sky on a late autumn day and skin that was deep , almost impossible violet , and her breath smelled of honey when they kissed . Red skies and rains that burned , and great insects that flew and carried people off only to let them fall from the sky again . A blade in his hand that sang to him and called down the lightning when he needed it . " It was all a dream , " Adam said . " It wasn 't real , " and he said it again and again and again , but he knew … In his heart he knew . There was a path , and it was a path he could not see but he walked anyway and it led him to her . To the keep . To the dragon and the battle and the promise . And the field . Not just because it seems like super powers always seem to come with the physique of an Olympic athlete and the ability to look good in spandex . When someone gets their powers in a comic , there 's always this moment of confusion where they don 't know what 's just happened to them . They got hit by the cosmic beams or bitten by a radioactive whatsit or get handed a bit of shiny jewelry that gives them more power than God . They stand there , looking confused , and two panels later they 're flying through the sky or lifting cars over their head or bending time and space to their will . Their powers just work for them , as easy as walking . They may discover some extra tricks later , or run into a weakness , but for the most part , the moment a newly - minted metahuman gets powered up , they 're ready to go and either fight or contribute to crime . When Carly Siminsky 's powers manifested themselves in the middle of softball practice , twelve people died in the first sixty seconds . Nearly a hundred more in the minutes that followed , and if it hadn 't been for quick thinking by her coach , the death toll would have been even higher . To this day , Coach Simone keeps the bent and twisted aluminum bat she used on her player as a reminder of the tragedy . It took Carly three years to learn how to not kill people with her mind . She was taken by Department of National Security to a facility where they carefully and systematically forced her to learn how to control herself . She caused millions of dollars in damage during that time , and it resulted in the deaths of five doctors and seven medical technicians . Her current practice regimen involved a set of nesting boxes . She was to take all the boxes out and then put them all back inside without letting the sides of one box touch another . If she did , an alarm would go off and the experiment would be immediately ended . On this day , Carly sat cross - legged in front of the experiment table . The box full of boxes sat on in front of her , gleaming dully in the fluorescent light . Martin , her current lab tech , was sitting behind her , and she could hear the scratching of his pen against paper . She squeezed her eyes shut and started counting her breaths again . She would restart the count every time she was distracted , by Martin , or an itch , or a thought . When she reached twenty , she would begin . This used to take upwards of half an hour , but she 'd gotten it down to seven and a half minutes with practice . Her eyes opened when she hit twenty . She took one more breath and reached out with her mind for the box . The largest one stayed on the table while the next lifted carefully out . All the boxes were metal , each a different color , and she was intimately familiar with them at this point . The second box , dull blue , hovered for a moment , and then set down on the mat . A red box lifted out from that one , and then from the red came a green and from the green a yellow . The final box , about the size of the end of her thumb , was violet . They were all lined up , left to right . She heard Martin make a note behind her . She took another breath and started putting the boxes back together . This had always been the hard part . This was where she had always failed . The counselor they had her talk to once a week told her not to think about succeeding , that she shouldn 't envision a completed box and a pat on the head from Martin . She should imagine one at a time , the process of completing the task . Violet went into yellow without touching the sides . Yellow lifted and positioned itself over green . She rotated it , ever so slightly , fighting the urge to stand up and view it from another angle . It lowered , slowly sliding into the green box . No alarm sounded . Carly took another breath , held it , and let it go . The green box lifted up and took its position over the red one . Carly realized she was gritting her teeth , and made herself stop . The red box lowered for a moment , stopped , and then continued with more care and precision than she had used with the other ones . It went in without a sound , and again Carly breathed . A drop of sweat rolled down the side of her face and she flicked it away without moving her hands . Simon 's writing filled her ears and she wanted to turn around and make him stop , but she knew how that would end . She lifted the red box and positioned it over the blue one . She bit her lip and braced herself for the alarm . This is where it always came . She took flexed her fingers and forced them to lay flat on her thighs , rolled her shoulders and did a slow count to five . The red box started to lower . Just before it went in , she stopped it . She wanted to stop entirely , to turn around to Martin and tell him that she couldn 't do it - she 'd never do it . The first time she had done that , they didn 't feed her for a day . The second time , for two days . There was no third time . She reached out , feeling the two boxes , feeling along their edges . In that moment , it was like she was both boxes . And she was the air around them , the boxes inside them , the table , the room . She kept her attention on them and closed her eyes . She felt the red box slide into the blue , felt the space between them and a smile broke out on her face . Her eyes flashed open and she spun around to look at Martin . The young man was writing , but he looked up at her through his horn - rimmed glasses and pointed at the last box - the silver one - with his pen . Carly rolled her eyes . She could feel them , and she understood what it was she was feeling , and why she had failed before . While she kept her eyes trained on Martin , the blue box lifted up into the air , and , without pause , dropped into the silver box without a sound . Martin 's eyebrows rose , he made a note on his form , and stood up . " Well done , Carly , " he said . He extended a hand , and she used it to help herself up . " You 've made wonderful progress . " Martin looked down at the forms on his clipboard . " I take these to my boss , and we figure out what to do with you next . " He patted her shoulder . " You should be very proud of yourself . " He turned for the door , fishing in his pocket for the passcard that would unlock it . " Martin , " Carly said . He stopped and turned around . She glanced up at the window and walked over to stand between him and it . He looked from her to the door , and he reached into his other pocket . " No , " she said . " You don 't need the alarm - I 'm not going to hurt you . " That didn 't seem to ease his mind , but the alarm didn 't go off . " I need to know , " she whispered . " I need to know when I 'll be okay . When they 'll let me out of this place . " She looked up at the window again and then back to him . " Martin , when am I going to go home ? " He held her gaze for a moment , and then looked down at the floor . He cleared his throat . " I don 't know , " he said , his voice thick . " Soon . Okay ? " He gave her arm a quick squeeze . " Soon . " He turned around , slid his passcard across the reader , and left the room , the door locking behind him . She started at that door for a long time . It wouldn 't be hard to open it , that much she knew . Brute force had never been a problem for her . She rubbed the lump in her side , the place where they had implanted the tranquilizer pump . With that inside her , she wouldn 't get three steps out of the room . She sighed and went back to her bed , lay back and stared at the ceiling . This was her home now . This was where she was going to get better , and where they would help her to stop hurting people . And someday , they had promised , she would be able to leave . She closed her eyes and started counting again . And she breathed , as she counted , the boxes on the table began to un - nest themselves and hover in mid - air . By the time she got to thirty , they were turning in lazy circles around the table , one never touching another . The first thing I do is wait for the sun to set . It takes a long time , if you wait for the whole thing . I mean , just seeing the disc of the sun finally drop below the horizon is great , but there 's still so much light out there . Red and purple and orange , bouncing off clouds and refracting through the air . You usually have to wait an hour , maybe more , for the terminator to truly pass you by and for the sunlight to be gone for good . I used to be terrified of this . I can still remember running home before sundown , looking at the beacon of safety that was my house , all brightly lit inside and out . I could feel the darkness nipping at my heels and all the things it contained . All the ghosts and goblins and werewolves and vampires . The night was hungry for the blood of a little kid , and I ran like the wind to deny it a meal . Now I stand on tiptoe , a feeling of tingly excitement growing in my belly . When the sun is finally gone - well and truly gone - there is still light that needs to be taken care of . Unlike the sun , though , I have a little more control over this . If I had my own house , this would be easier , and someday I hope to . But right now I make do with what I have , and what I have is a little apartment with west - facing windows . The living room is no good . I put up blackout curtains , but they still let light in around the edges , tiny trickles of illumination that find their way through the gaps no matter how careful I am with them . There 's also the myriad lights from the TV , the computer , the DVD player , all the electronics that we all use to make our lives better and easier . I tried putting black tape over them , but there was still the tiniest , faintest glow - nearly imperceptible , but not imperceptible enough for me . For some reason , the bathroom was built against an inside wall of the unit . So there 's no window - just a fan to keep air circulating . The fan is no problem . It 's not noise that I 'm trying to get rid of . It 's big enough that I can stretch my arms out and touch nothing , which is what I need , and there 's nothing in there that creates a shadow . I bring a candle with me . Not for any practical reason , really . If I wanted to , I could just flip off the light switch . But this is important . This is a ritual . And rituals need to be important . An old book on photography taught me how to make a light - lock : a two - stage entry into a room that 's designed to minimize the amount of light getting in . The one I made is temporary . Putting it up and taking it down only takes a couple of minutes , and the whole thing just clicks together . When it 's done , a heavy black curtain blocks the door to the bathroom , extending at least another foot in every direction . Candle in hand , I go in and shut the door behind me . There 's a draft - snake that goes at the bottom . I lock the door . Again , ritual . The bathroom lights are bright and fluorescent . They make me look terrible in the morning , but they do that to everyone . I light the candle and turn off the lights , and that feeling in my belly grows . It 's still fear , I know that much . But it 's fear that 's been tamed . It 's been brought to heel like a lion at the circus . The fear is a beast that I broke many years ago . The candle goes on the floor , and I sit in front of it . I close my eyes and try to feel the candle 's light hitting my face , my skin , my hair . It 's sunlight , really . It 's sunlight held captive in the cotton fibers of the wick , in the wax rendered from plants or animals long dead . The little sun shines on me , and it 's the only thing in the world besides myself . The darkness rushes in to take the place of the light , it floods the room now that the pressure of luminescence has been removed . I can feel it , this absence , this great shadow , all around me . I don 't know if my eyes are open or closed , and I don 't care . The darkness holds me , it cradles me , it caresses me and it presses in on me . It clings to me , to every inch , and when I open my mouth , it floods inside . " An … an … an … And it 's the Jews , right , they 're the ones who really know what 's going on , right . They have all the banks ' n shit and they 're pullin ' all the fuggin ' strings . AN ' you . An ' me . An ' him . We 're all juss puppets . Dolls . We don 't know anything . But I know . Damn right I know . " The man next to Carl was , obviously , drunk . In a bar , of course , so that was fine . Expected , even . There were few places , in fact , where you could be as drunk as this man was and still not get arrested , so as far as his choice of places to get really shitfaced in went , he chose a good one . According to the bartender , he 'd been there all night , just sitting and drinking and trying to get someone interested in his weird drunk theories . Like that the Jews controlled all the banks , or that George W . Bush was a member of a secret cabal controlled by the French , or that all the white men in America were being oppressed under the iron boot of the minorities . Had Carl known this , of course , he would have sat elsewhere . But all the other places were taken , the bar was filling up , and if he wanted to stay sitting then he had to sit on the left side of a very drunk prophet of doom . When he sat down , the bartender had just shrugged as if to say , " Good luck , " and made his whiskey sour a little stronger than usual . The man looked at him blankly for a moment and he burst out laughing . " Jeezus , no , " he said . " That 's just fucked up , no . " He waved to the bartender and held up his glass . " No , man , nothing like that . " He leaned in close , and Carl tried to lean away . " I found out . On the internet . That the government . " He said that word like it was dirty , like he couldn 't stand to have it in his mouth . " The government . Has been taking DNA samples from children . From children , um … uh … Name . " He stared at Carl blankly . The other man was silent and still for a moment . Then he put his glass down and pulled out his wallet . From inside he pulled a photograph . It was small , discolored and creased . It showed a younger Barry , looking much less torn up by the world , and a younger man . They looked enough alike that their relationship was instantly clear . " Your son ? " Carl asked . Barry nodded . " Yeah . " He carefully put the photo back in his wallet . " He was in New York on … on that day . " He went to take another drink , but his glass was empty . " He called me that morning to remind me we were going out to dinner . And that … " He took a shuddering breath . " Yeah . " " An ' I know , I know that they pulled down those towers . They did , Carlos . " Carl didn 't correct him . " I saw the videos with my own eyes . " His eyes were filling up . His voice was getting thick . " They killed my boy , " he said . Something that was half - sob , half - laugh came up from his throat . " But I know they have him somewhere . In a drawer somewhere . An ' maybe … maybe I can get them to give him back . " He rolled his glass in his hands . " They have my boy , " he said quietly , his words almost lost in the noise . Carl sat there next to him for a while , and neither said anything . When the bartender came back , Carl held up his hand . No more drinks right now . There was a glass of water , a green ball - point pen , and a piece of loose - leaf notepaper on the table . Nicholas drummed his fingers and looked up at the large mirror set into the wall . It was double - sided , of course . If he could see through , there 'd be a small flock of guys in suits staring at him . Somehow , the fact that he couldn 't see them just made it worse . Water . Pen . Paper . They had sat him here and a man in a white coat , carrying a clipboard , said , " This is a test of creative thinking . Please write whatever comes to your mind for five minutes . The timer will begin when you start writing . Once you have started , do not stop until directed . " Having delivered his instructions , the man ticked something off on his clipboard , left the room and locked the door . Creative thinking . What the hell was that supposed to mean ? And why the two - way mirror ? The room was tiny , like those interrogation rooms you saw in police dramas , and he was feeling distinctly uncomfortable . He had been approached out of the blue in his college dining hall by Dr . Eva Bettencourt , the head of the psychology department . That was his first clue . He wasn 't a psych major , so there was no reason she should have even known his name , much less where he was at any given time . She had approached him , passing by several other tables to get there . " Mister Ingram , " she said . " I need you to sign this . " She slapped a form down in front of him . She blinked and resettled her glasses . " Mister Ingram , " she said again , " I can 't stress this enough . This is very important . " She had a British tone to her voice , slurring out her " r " sounds . With her flat American " a " it just sounded weird . She took the glasses off . " Mister . Ingram . " Dr . Bettencourt steepled her fingers in front of her . " I have spoken to your advisor . Dr . Keniston informed me that you would be an ideal subject for a study I am doing . " She smiled , and it looked like she 'd practiced . " Your participation is essential . " Nicholas leaned back . " There 's about a hundred other students in here right now . Why me ? " And why had she gone to Keniston ? A question for later . " But I want you , " she said . He snickered , and it took a moment before she blushed . " To be in this study , " she finished . She sat down across the table from him . " Your advisor tells me that you 're one of the most creative writers she 's seen come through her class in a long time . " Nicholas arched an eyebrow , but didn 't interrupt . " She showed me some of your stories and poetry , and I have to say that I was impressed . Your use of imagery and metaphor show a clearly dominant right hemisphere , signs of very creative thinking . I 'm doing some research in that field , and as soon as I read your stories , I knew that you were someone who had to be involved . " " Does it matter ? Mister Ingram , with your help , I could make some clear advances in my research . " She slid the form over to him and took a pen from her pocket . " Do the right thing . " " Sold . " He yanked the pen from her hand and signed the form . She took the top copy , handed the carbon to him , and told him to be at the psychology center on Saturday at noon . Without another word , she stood up and stalked out of the dining hall . Whatever he expected of a creativity study , what he found at the psych center wasn 't it . He had to have a medical exam , which included drawing blood , a chest x - ray , and an EKG reading . He asked what it was for , and they just said , " Standard procedure . " They wouldn 't say anything else , except to ask some very personal questions , give him instructions and tell him when to put his clothes back on . He didn 't see Dr . Bettencourt anywhere , but he was pretty sure she was watching . When the physical was over , he was sent into another room , where he was shown images and asked to say whether he liked them or didn 't like them . Some - the kitten , the girl in a bikini , the rainbow - he liked . Others - the pit bull , the President , the tsunami - he didn 't . There were about two hundred of these , and he was asked to do them as fast as possible . A guy in a white coat , carrying a clipboard , made some notes and then wordlessly led him to the next room . This test was followed by another , wherein he had to fit geometric shapes together to form a specific pattern . It was accompanied by a ticking clock and a digital timer that noted how long it was taking for him to finish . When he finally made the shape - what looked like a duck in a sombrero - the guy in the white coat took him to the tiny room , read him his instructions , and left him there . He folded the piece of paper twice , laid it over the top of the glass , and quickly flipped it over . A little water slipped out before he was able to set it down on the table again , but most of it stayed inside . He slid the paper out from under the glass , crumpled it up , and tossed it at the mirror . " When do I get my hundred bucks ? " he yelled . There was silence for a minute or two . Then a speaker in the ceiling crackled to life . " Thank you , Mister Ingram , " a man said . " Please see the receptionist on your way out . " The door popped open . The hell ? Nicholas stood and went to the door . He pulled it open slowly . " I 've seen this movie , " he muttered . He waited , counting to ten , and then stuck his head out the door . There was no one in the corridor . He crept out of the room , trying to look casual and alert at the same time , and failing at both . He tried to remember which corners he had turned to get there , but his memory was full of rainbows and shark attacks and ducks wearing hats . He had to backtrack a few times after finding locked doors and broom closets . He wondered how big this place was . The weirdest thing was that there was no one there . He seemed to remember lots of people scurrying about , all in lab coats and carrying clipboards . But now , every hallway looked like every other hallway , and there was no one there . He tried more doors , but they were locked . " Hello ? " he yelled . " Anyone there ? " His voice echoed down the halls , but no one came . He started to jog , taking random lefts and rights , but there still seemed to be no way out . In moments , he was running , skidding around corners . This was impossible . There was no way the facility was this big , but he couldn 't be sure . He wondered what they had really been doing to him in those tests . Playing hypnotic messages , messing with his brain . He could see Bettencourt doing it , too - watching as whatever weird little experiment she 'd set up slowly ate away at his brain . It was a small room , with a table in the middle . A chair was at the table , facing a large mirror that was set into the wall . On the table was a glass of water , a green ball - point pen , and a piece of loose - leaf notepaper . Wynona Mooney grinned over the tops of her cards at the scowling face of Lamont Deldeo . She couldn 't tell anything from the scowl - that was his permanent look - but she grinned nonetheless . It was her best poker grin , the one that usually got her kicked out of casinos . It radiated insouciant innocence and drove people nuts . " What 're you thinkin ' , Monty ? " she asked . " Whether to trade in that eight ? " His eyes didn 't flicker anywhere . He just stared at her and scowled . " My , my , " she said . " You must be holding a thing of beauty over there . " She sat back , fanning herself with her spread of cards . Her shirt was open a little , and it was hot in the room . His bodyguards had been sneaking peeks for the last half hour , but Lamont , as yet , had restrained himself . " I wonder what a little girl like me is gonna do if I lose to such a man like yourself . " From behind , held by one of Deldeo 's bodyguards , her partner screamed at her . " For the love of God , Wynona , " he yelled . " They ! Are ! Going ! To Kill ! US ! " She waved at him without looking . " Don 't mind Ellis , " she said to Deldeo . " He 's not good under stress . Not like you . " She spread her cards open slightly , ostentatiously peeking at them . " I may be in a bit of a pickle , " she said , and switched grins to the cute one . She checked her watch , a big diving watch that looked far too heavy for her hands . " How 're we doing for time ? " Wynona sighed . " Fine , Monty . One shot at me , one at Ellis back there . " He yowled . " And … " She held up a large USB drive . It was about the size of her thumb , black and unassuming . " The contents of this memory stick . " " Glad I have your attention , " she said . " On it is the full and complete bank account information for ten CEOs of international corporations . The giants of industry . The rulers of the world . Win , Monty , and they 're all yours . " The eyebrow dropped . " No , " he said . " I take that , load it into my machine , and it installs a virus into my system that 'll cripple my operations . " He nodded to the other bodyguard , who removed a gun from under his jacket . " Try again . " Wynona shrugged . " If that 's what you think . You can always test it out - get a clean laptop over here , something you can afford to lose . " She palmed the memory stick . Because if you don 't take this , then I 'm out of resources , and our little game is at an end . " She shrugged and ran her thumb along the tops of her cards . " What do you say ? " He sat and scowled for a moment , and then nodded to the guard with the gun . He put it away and left the room . Wynona hummed under her breath . The guard came back a few minutes later with an old laptop , booted it up and gave it to Wynona . " Show us , " Deldeo said . She plugged the USB key into the machine and waited until the file explorer popped up . A few clicks of an oversensitive touchpad and she opened a text file . The guard took it and gave it to Deldeo . He nodded . " Fine , " he said . He dropped the laptop in the middle of the table . " Your lives , plus this information , against your freedom . Agreed ? " She carefully placed her cards on the table , face up , one at a time . Two kings , three queens . " See ? " she said . " And here you probably thought I was bluffing . " Deldeo dropped his cards on the table in front of her . Two jacks , three tens . " You win , " he said . From the back of the room , Ellis groaned , and there was a thump as a bodyguard hit him . Deldeo stood up and smoothed the front of his pale linen shirt . " You win , " he said again . For the first time , Deldeo showed an emotion other than sullen anger . He looked shocked and just a little bit hurt . " Of course not , " he said , walking over towards her side of the table . " What kind of person would I be if I did that ? " He held his hand out , and the bodyguard put a gun in it . Deldeo checked that it was loaded , pointed it at her head , and smiled . " You must never ask others to do what you would not be willing to do yourself , " he said . He nodded to the bodyguard , who picked up the laptop , closed it , and put it under his arm . " Exactly , " Deldeo said . " My men have their pride to think about . " He pointed the gun at her forehead and looked her in the eyes . " I think I can live with myself . " The bodyguard was screaming and covered in blood . The distraction was just long enough for Wynona to deliver a punch straight to Deldeo 's crotch . He doubled over in pain and dropped the gun , which Wynona swept up and pointed at the guard holding Ellis . " Put him down , hon , " she said . The bodyguard hesitated , and she put two shots into the wall on either side of his head . He let go of Ellis , and put his hands up . Ellis reached into his jacket and armed himself . " I can 't believe that worked , " he said , holding the man at gunpoint . He glanced at the screaming guard . " Is he gonna be okay ? " " Probably not , " she said . She looked down and gave Deldeo a solid kick to the stomach . " It 's been fun , Monty , " she said . " We 'll have to play blackjack next time . " She reached into Deldeo 's shirt pocket and took out a small vial . The liquid inside glowed faintly , even in the brightly lit room . " And that 's all , folks , " she said . She turned to the remaining guard . " Keys ? " she said , gesturing with the gun . He gingerly reached into a pocket and pulled out a large car key . Ellis took it . " Can we go now ? " he asked her . " Absolutely . " She looked at the vial one more time and smiled again . Had he seen this smile , Deldeo would have killed her right away . " Now things are going to finally get interesting . " It was a feeling too big to hold on to . Every time I tried , the fingers of my mind would slip , like trying to hold onto soap in the bathtub . It was right in front of me , all around me , inside and out , but I couldn 't see it . I couldn 't handle it , make it make sense . I had lost everything . Everything . How do you hold on to a concept like that ? The fire department arrived about two minutes after I made it out . Those two minutes stretched into eternity , an eternity where I could see and hear everything I had ever worked for , everything I had ever loved , burn and die . In my mind , I saw the flames eagerly devouring hundreds of books , falling from their shelves as their pages fluttered through the air like the wings of brilliant birds . Books I had read and loved , books I had yet to read . The fire annihilated them , one at a time and all at once . The rocking chair that my wife 's mother had left us . Solid oak , hand - carved by her father . It was the chair in which my wife had sat as a little girl when she learned her letters , when she read her bible . It was the chair I sat in when our little girl wouldn 't sleep , or our boy wanted to read . It was the chair I sat in on that last night , when the love of my life left this world . It was rendered down into char , stripped and eaten alive . The fire department arrived in a flurry of noise and light . Three trucks , bringing flashing red brilliance to the night and an order where there was none . The flickering of the flames was brought to heel by the oscillating red brilliance . The aimless wandering of neighbors was undone by the men of great purpose who came to fight fire with water . They turned their hoses on my house , and kept others ready in case the fire spread . Photographs in the dining room , all in an old Macy 's shopping bag that my mother had given to me . Some of them went back to the late 19th century , images of stiff and uncomfortable people trying to leave their mark on the world through this new and magical medium . My great - great grandmother , in her youth , was a woman of vibrance and mischief , a woman I never would know . If the flames didn 't get them - and I was sure they did - the water would seep in , find them , and insinuate itself . The moisture would warp and twist and inflate the photographs , and if anything at all was left , it would be only a piece . An eye . A hand . The top of someone 's head . I sat on my lawn , as close as the firefighters would let me get . The night had turned cold , perhaps just in comparison to the waves of heat coming off the home I would never live in again . I was in my pajamas and my coat , the only thing I could grab on the way out . We had played that game , my wife and I - what would you save ? And in my head , in the peaceful security of a glass of wine in the living room , I had mapped it all out . Despite the impending certainty of destruction , I would calmly and carefully gather the items I needed - wallet , phone , the bank book - and the items I treasured - the photos , my first edition Mark Twain , our wedding album . I had none of those . Escaping the house was gone from my memory , erased in a moment of madness and terror . I had myself . I had the clothes I was wearing . The lady from across the street brought me cocoa . I took it , and I think I said thank you . I sipped it as I watched my house burn . All that I had been , all that I was , was gone . Up in smoke . So I remembered . I thought of the house , of each room . The living room we repainted three times because the green we thought we bought wasn 't the one we had in mind . The bathroom where our son almost drowned when he was three , where I pulled him back from death on a floor tiled with flowers . The bedrooms that we went back to night after night . The bed that we slept and fought and loved in . There was a cabinet door in the kitchen that didn 't shut right . A chair in the den that we couldn 't move because it would reveal the wine stain on the carpet . The huge dinner table that hosted Thanksgiving every year . That framed painting that our son did in college that a team of wild horses wouldn 't get me to admit was terrible . I sipped the cocoa . Several other neighbors had come by , asked if I was okay . I may have nodded . The firefighters were shooting water into the upstairs window , into the bedroom that our daughter defiantly painted black when she was in high school . While her mother and I were on vacation , of course . The house was huge , in my memory . Room enough for decades . For armies of people . Everything we had was in there , somewhere . The feeling of the rag rug in my " study , " the smell of the incipient mildew in the basement . The hum of the refrigerator and the sound of rain on the skylight . It was all there , and bright , and real . |
I tell this story because the one who experienced it will not . He 's my future brother - in - law . I 'll call him " Danny . " The story takes place in King , North Carolina , a small town near here . It 's common knowledge that the southern United States was at one time infamous for slavery - - and this particular area wasn 't any different . During this era , a southern plantation - type home was built in King . At the time , the land that accompanied the plantation encompassed about all of what is now King , North Carolina . This plantation was owned by a doctor . During that period , travel was difficult , therefore a lot of the doctor 's patients stayed at the plantation with the doctor - - and no doubt some of them passed on there , too . The house had become known as the Old Chigger Farm - - why , I don 't know - - but Danny told me of the night that he and a friend of his were standing on the rear porch . They were , well , there was no indoor plumbing . You get the picture . All of a sudden , Danny notices the shadowy figure of a young black man with real white eyes staring at him from just behind the house . His friend looked , and there it was , plain as day - - a black man watching them and then suddenly made a break for the woods behind the garden . He cut right through the garden to get there . Danny and his friend ran after him , but when the he reached the edge of the woods , he simply vanished . Danny and his friend searched for a sign of him everywhere , but there was none , not even a footprint in the garden . Thanks for the story . From this chapter in our country 's history , I suppose there could be a ghost or two lingering about - - but it would be even stranger still to imagine there might be people living out their existence in hiding , for whatever reason , be it faculty , fear or phantom . I wonder . . . Passers By by Paul S . Escalera This happened when I was about 8 or 9 years old in a little town in the state of Jalisco in Mexico . In this town , due to poverty , the houses are constructed more like single level apartments . In other words , there is a block where each house is separated by the wall on either side , like an apartment , so the house isn 't wide but rather deep . Furthermore , since they are single level , the windows facing the street are low enough so that if someone walks by you can see them from the torso up . I eventually fell asleep only to be awakened , at about 3 : 00 a . m . , by the sounds of a woman screaming and running down the street . I was frozen by the blood chilling sounds of this woman 's screams and my eyes were fixed on the window waiting to see her pass swiftly by . As the sounds grew closer I could feel the hair on my neck stand on end , finally I heard the footsteps and screaming go flying by the window but never saw a shadow pass by . The next morning I told my uncle what had happened , to which he simply replied , " Things like that happen all the time " . Needless to say , that 's one memory that sticks in my mind . I haven 't been back since then but plan to go back to visit my family , maybe I 'll experience first some of the other ' things ' my uncle was talking about . Thanks for listening ( reading ) to my story . Hope you liked it . And yes we did , thanks again Paul for you contribution to Ghostories . Glad you like your GhosTee Shirt and hope that you 'll be a regular here , and it looks like you will ! - - Glad to have you ! Anyway , here is just a little background information . My story took place in my shed when I was nine . This is important . I live in a trailer park { which there is nothing wrong with } and the guy who lived in the lot before me murdered three people . He killed two with a gun and burned them in a house . He killed the other guy with a hammer brought his body about two miles back to his house { trailer } then in the shed he chopped him up and put the body parts in dumpsters . I now live in that lot different trailer but same shed . Now let me tell you what happened . I just moved in and I was nine I think . My sister , a friend and I went in the shed with a Ouija board and started to play . We asked if Joey was there ( that 's the guy who got killed ) . But the farmer doesn 't know and openly admits to it . So , I guess it is the same here , if anyone should know this , you would think after three years , it would be me . I mean , I return to the dinner table everynight , I go to bed in ( mostly ) the same place , and I return to Ghostories like clockwork - - but I don 't know if ghosts return to their bloodspots . So I ask all of you out there , does anyone know the answer to this one ? If you do , let us know by leaving an entry in the Ghostories Forum , ok ? For certain , Ryan , thanks very much for the kudos and the story , I appreciate it muchly . Also , thanks for your Ghostories Tee Shirt order - - it is winging it 's way to you as I make this entry and you should have it in a matter of hours now . Enjoy and wear it as many places as you can . And let us know if you notice how much it really glows in the dark , ok ? Favorite Author : Brian Lumley I enlisted in the US Air Force in 1989 . My first duty station was at Hickam Air Force Base in Hawaii . It was a great place to be stationed , but little did I know it would be one of the strangest experiences of my life . My new job was in the Job Control section at the Headquarters of Pacific Air Forces . Basically , Job Control is a 24 - hour operation that logs and tracks equipment when it breaks down . What happens is , when a unit had an equipment failure , they would call Job Control and then we would call maintenance . I began working the " Midnight Shift " from 2300 hours to 0700 hours , which meant I spent a lot of time sitting around waiting for the phone to ring . The door to Job Control was in the South wall of the room . The desk sat just inside the door along the East wall and we had a television that was mounted on the North wall just below the ceiling . The door had a cypher - lock on it that required a code that was deactivated at night , which meant that no one could enter the room without buzzing me from the outside or using the only key , which I kept with me in case I had to exit the room for any reason . Nothing happened to me the first few nights I was on duty . The first indication I had of anything strange was on my third or fourth night of duty . As usual , it was pretty slow , and I had just finished logging one of the few calls I had that night . I guess it was about 0300 . Having a little time on my hands , I turned on the television to pass the time . I sat there watching for a short time when I got this " feeling " . I kept looking back over my shoulder certain that I would see someone , even though I knew it was impossible . It was like someone was watching television over my shoulder . This happened to me on several consecutive nights . It wasn 't a frightening experience , just unsettling . Kind of like when someone is reading something that you are reading over your shoulder . It was soon after I began watching T . V . that the feeling came back , with one important difference . The feeling was no longer directly behind me , it was off to my left near the West wall . This I could live with . It wasn 't nearly as unsettling as before . I mean how many people do you know that you can watch whatever you want without them complaining ? After being there for a few months I began researching the history of the building . The headquarters building that I worked in was the enlisted dormitory up until just after the bombing of Pearl Harbor ( by the way , the bullet holes from the Japanese strafing runs are still in the sides of the building ) . Just after the bombing the wounded were moved into a makeshift infirmary on the third floor ( which is the floor I worked on ) . I spoke with the other Airmen that worked midnight shift when I was off . She said she had felt things at times but , nothing as concrete as what I experienced . I also heard stories from security personnel in the building that were pretty strange . There was a long narrow hallway that you had to walk down to get to the Job Control office . More than one Security Policeman I spoke to claimed that , at times , their dogs would refuse to walk down that hall . They would just begin backing up , whimpering and barking . It 's the craziest thing . I finished editing the story and thought , gee , great story , famous place - - perfect ! But I had no comments rushing to get out and onto the screen - - and then all of a sudden , boom ! I knew exactly what happened . The reason the ghost didn 't scare you , like they might have the others , was that you were relaxed , kicked back - - and so the ghost had nothing to fear because you weren 't a threat . Moreover , you even invited him or her to join you , to have a seat , as we would do with any guest who enters our room . Once seated , all was fine . Now , putting ourselves in the ghosts shoes , if the last moment you were alive there was a cataclysmic surprise attack on your installation , the very last emotion you might have had was one of readiness , of fear or flight or , who knows , both ! And didn 't the raid on Pearl Harbor come in the very early morning hours ? So here we have a ghost with , I can well imagine , a real bad case of shattered nerves . A ghost who , when he or she encounters people in any kind of active mode , probably leaves some pretty creepy , but not concrete impressions because by the time the living are trying to figure out just what it is in the room ( or hallway ) , that ghost has either made ready for a confrontation or hightailed it out of there ! But not so with you . Here the ghost could easily feel your vibration was another familiar one - - a friendly one that he or she remembered before all hell broke loose on that fateful and tragic night - - and it probably was a very welcome vibration indeed . I 'll even bet they were eternally grateful that you asked them to " Pull up a Chair ! " Thanks for sending in the story , John . It was great , and thanks for getting the Ghostories Tee Shirt - - it is winging its way to you as I write this comment . ~ ~ ~ Keno I don 't recall what we were all doing at the time it happened , but it seems as if some of us kids were telling ghost stories , ( our favorite past - time during rainstorms ) . Mom , I think , was on the closed in back porch washing clothes or something . Anyway , everything was fine until suddenly our front door was kicked open , though no one entered the house , drawing screams from all of us . Our back yard was like one big mud puddle - - and we did as we were told . When we got to my grandparents ' house , we were muddy from head to toe . None of us had any shoes on . My grandmother , shouting " What Happened ? " went and got towels for us to dry off and clean up with . She handed each of us a towel and we started drying off . Noticing the stillness and wonder with which she was looking at my fourteen year old sister , we all stopped and turned to see the cause of the startled look on her face . My sister , the one with the scoliosis , had no mud on her at all . She was barely even wet , whereas the rest of us were soaked and muddy . The only explanation I can come up with is this : It is said that everyone has a guardian angel who looks after them and keeps them safe until it is time for them to leave this world . My family and I believe that after assessing the situation , my sister 's guardian angel , knowing my sister would never be able to keep up as she tried to run with the rest of us , lifted my sister up and carried her to my grandparent 's house to safety . We never found out who kicked the door in or why , for whoever it was they never went into the house . They had just simply kicked the door open and then ran across the street down an embankment and across another road . I swear , these stories send goosebumps rumbling up and down my spine - - and , I am certain they are not the bumps of fright , but those of wonder . I have always thought that the line between ghosts and angels is rice - paper thin - - and most likely someday we 'll find there is really no " line " at all . I often wonder when tragedy is imminent , if there is some kind of standoff taking place in the heavens between the forces of good and those of evil - - a tug of war , if you will , to see who eventually wins . But I suppose that would , in an unpalatable way , make us all the pawns of some strange and never - ending ritual , which really doesn 't sound quite " right . " Thanks for sending in the story , Cheryl . It was great , and thanks for getting the Ghostories Tee Shirt - - it is winging its way to you as soon as I complete these comments . ~ ~ ~ Keno stuff you 've been hearin ' . For the longest time , I 'd thought about doing something really special for those who would like to be considered " Ghostories Members " ( and Supporters ) - - the people who buy a Glow in the Dark Ghostories Tee Shirt ( GhosTee ) where the proceeds also go to help keep Ghostories deliverin ' new personal encounters each and every week . And , and luck had it , I finally did exactly that . Now , don 't get the wrong idea , folks won 't have to be a member to come and read . Shoot , that would defeat the whole purpose . On the contrary , anyone is welcome to visit and read , anytime , 24 - hours a day . What we doing here is posting just the stories of those who Favorite Author : Dean R . Koontz This is a true story about my great - grandfather , whom I will call GF , and his pet cow . Now although GF died long before I was ever born , this story has been handed down through the years . The first time I heard it was back in 1968 . It was a stormy night and , as my family loved to do on such a night , we were taking turns telling ghost stories . Although to some folks , the story may not be very scary , it scared me very much , for I was only seven when it was told to me . Back in the 1890 's , GF purchased a small piece of land and a couple of calfs which he intended to raise for slaughter to help feed his family . He also kept chickens but they are of no significance in the story except that they , also , were raised for food . Anyway , the calfs seemed healthy enough when he purchased them , but as they grew , one of them took sick . I don 't know what kind of sickness it had , only that GF became worried that the other calf , as yet unaffected , would also take sick if he didn 't separate them . So he took the sick one and put it in a stall in the barn and began nursing it back to health . He was successful in the nursing . The calf became healthy again and grew into a fine cow . When the time came to carry the two cows to slaughter , GF found that during the nursing of the sick one , although he hadn 't realized it , he 'd become strongly attached to it . He 'd even given it a name , albeit subconsciously . He called it " Betsy " and , as I 'm sure you 've already guessed , only one cow went to slaughter that day . Soon GF bought a large bell , attached it to a rope , and put it around Betsy 's neck . He took to walking her everyday when he 'd get home from work . Everyone close by , always knew when GF and Betsy were on their evening stroll , for Betsy 's bell would jangle loudly each time she took a step . Each evening , GF and Betsy would take the same route on their stroll . They 'd walk down the dusty dirt road to the creek , cross the wooden bridge to the other side , and there they would stop , take a drink of water from the creek , then head back home , Betsy 's bell jangling all the way . Several years passed , both of them growing older . Then one morning , as was customary for him to do , GF went out to the stables to check on Betsy and say good morning . He found her laying in her stall , having died sometime during the night . Unashamedly , he cried over Betsy 's still form then proceeded to dig a grave for her beside where she lay , for there was no way he could move her from the stall . He commissioned several neighbor men to come and help him get Betsy into the grave . Then ( I know this sounds kind of strange ) , he said a prayer over the grave . He then closed the stall door and nailed it shut , never to be opened by anyone again . Several months passed and , though he still grieved for Betsy , he began to heal . Then one morning as he started out for work , ( the mill where he worked was just down the road and across the bridge he and Betsy used to stroll over , so he walked to work when the weather permitted ) , he heard the distinct , familiar sound of Betsy 's bell jangling behind him . As a natural reflex , he stopped , then turned around to look behind him . Of course there was nothing there . A feeling of warmth came over him and he continued on to work , the sound of the bell following . It followed him all the way down the road and across the bridge , stopping on the other side . He stopped , listening for it to pick back up . It didn 't , and he continued on to work . That evening , on his way home from work , he stopped before crossing the bridge and listened , hearing nothing . As soon as he stepped on the bridge and started across , he heard the bell again . It followed him across the bridge and down the road until he reached home , then it stopped , only to follow him again the next morning . This happened several days in a row . Then one morning he started out for work and listened expectantly for the sound of the bell . He heard nothing . Saddened , he started down the road toward the mill , puzzled as to why he couldn 't hear it anymore . For several days , he listened each morning for the sound . He never heard it again . Reflecting on it later , it dawned on him that he 'd heard the bell for six days in a row , the same amount of time it 'd taken him to nurse Betsy back to health when she 'd been so sick . The same amount of time it 'd taken him to grow too fond of her to allow her to be slaughtered . Update Thanks for sending in yet another story , Cheryl . It was great . Many of my relatives lived on farms in Canada when I was a little boy , and I love these kinds of stories . I think this one here , including being a true story , is also a Classic for Ghostories . . . perfect to start out the month of September . I guess what they say about membership having it 's privileges is true . What is this for you , Cheryl , your first few weeks at Ghostories and already two stories up within ten days of each other ? Cool ! I hope your wearing your glow - in - the - dark Ghostories Tee Shirt often and I thank you for writing a little something in the Guest Book to let others know that I do keep my promise - - and that the Tee is everything I promised it would be . Here 's what is happening folks : For a long time now it 's become clear that the site is doing unbelievably well and the stories keep coming in at an ever - increasing rate that is a challenge to keep up with . Ghostories started out with one story coming in each week , then two , then three . . . Now they literally come in bunches ! Since I can only post a couple of stories each week ( well , during October we 'll increase that to 3 and 4 stories each week , just to keep " in the Spirit " of things ) , and as everyone knows I insist on keeping the high - standard format that we have and not let the site begin to look like a Newsgroup ( sorry Newgroup fans , but the popularity of the site is based on quality , mostly , and that many come to the site for the comments and the time taken for them as well ) - - anyhow , knowing all that , and at the same time being hounded by folks who sent in their stories wanting to know where they were / are , I realized I had to come up with a solution - - what to do ? Now , I am the kind of person who likes to please everyone - - and finally by the age of 47 I 've learned that 's virtually impossible . And , there is only one of me to run the site - - and this is a hobby site , I don 't make any money from it - - and that is the absolute truth ! The sale of tees barely keeps up with the costs of keeping such a large site on the Net . So , I can 't hire anyone to help edit and post the stories , and I can 't take myself away from my paying work to post 3 and 4 stories a day ( although I would love to if given the chance ) , so I had to come up with an alternative . One day when I was paying my ever - increasing online hosting bill and fees , I decided if people really love this site and truly want to be a part of it - - and many would like to get their story put up ahead of the rest - - that if they bought a tee shirt or helped out with a Contributor Brick , etc . I would put their stories up right away without making them wait in line . It just made good sense - - and Cheryl 's story here is a current example that I do keep my word . Sound unfair to ask for support ? I don 't know , I guess everyone has an opinion on that , but I don 't really think so . After all , the stories that go up on Ghostories are never taken down , think about it - - that means I bear the monthly cost for them as long as Ghostories is alive ( excuse the pun ) - - and I also do all the graphics , layout , new libraries , edit , post , wash the windows , etc . So maybe it isn 't all that bad to ask for a little help along the way . . . would you ? Well , thanks for listening and letting me bend your ear . I guess I did ramble a little , eh ? Oh , one more thing , check out Cheryl 's entry in the Guest Book when you have time . I really appreciate her help and support , and you 're being here with us . Favorite Author : Dean R . Koontz This story takes place back in 1971 when I was ten years old . My cousin and his family had just moved into an older home in my hometown of Newnan . The house was on the corner of Jaskson and Elm Streets . There were eight rooms in all , plus a full basement . The living room was the largest room in the house , and the prettiest . There was a large picture window that faced Jackson Street in the living room , and one that faced a neighbor 's house plus a set of french doors that led from the living room into the kitchen . Now the basement was full of old junk such as broken typewriters , junk fans , broken chairs - - and lots , lots more . Anyway , a week or so after moving in , my cousin , who was thirteen at the time , was down in the basement rummaging through all the junk when he came across a rusted old toolbox which was locked with one of those tiny little padlocks ( you know the type ) . Looking around for something with which to break the lock , he finally went outside , coming back in a few minutes later with a large rock . After busting the lock , Sam ( not his real name ) opened up the toolbox . In it was a large assortment of greasy tools which he pulled out and studied one by one . Toward the bottom , something else , not a tool , caught his eye . He reached in and pulled it out . It was a ring of some sort and , though it was greasy , it looked mighty expensive . Of course , being just thirteen , he didn 't know if it was real or not , but it sure looked real to him . He gave the ring to his mother , excitedly telling her he 'd found it in the old toolbox downstairs . He told her how it 'd been all greasy and how he 'd cleaned it up for her . Naturally , she wondered why anyone in their right mind would put such a beautiful , expensive ring in a greasy toolbox . That evening when my uncle got home from work , my aunt showed him the ring , by now knowing that it was indeed very expensive . If I haven 't mentioned it yet , the ring was made of yellow gold with diamonds , a large ruby at the center . It was quite beautiful . My aunt asked my uncle what should they do , for the ring had obviously been in the toolbox for quite a long time and someone surely was wondering what 'd happened to it . My uncle told her to just keep it , for if anyone was still searching for the ring , they 'd eventually remember where it was and come to claim it . Until then , he told her , " Don 't worry about it , just wear it and , if no one ever claims it , chalk it up to good fortune . " That settled , my aunt went about her chores , admiring the ring from time to time throughout the day and hoping no one ever claimed it . Once they 'd finished breakfast , my aunt got my uncle off to work , then went about getting dressed . Sam , as usual , had gone back to bed after breakfast . Once she was dressed , she reached and took her wedding rings from the headboard and put them on . About to turn away , she remembered the ruby ring and went to reach for it , but it wasn 't there . She shook the bed covers to see if it 'd somehow fallen off the headboard and onto the bed . Not finding it , she looked all over the floor around the bed , and behind the headboard . No sign of it . Deciding that my uncle must 've taken it with him intending to have it appraised , because he ' HAD ' mentioned doing just that , she thought no more about it and went about her housework . Sam got up an hour or so later and went into the kitchen where my aunt was sitting at the table , taking a break from her chores . Noticing she didn 't have the ring on , he asked her where it was . She told him she believed my uncle had taken it with him in order to have it appraised and find out how valuable it was . Sam accepted the explanation without question . Some time later , after watching some TV , Sam went down to the basement intent on fixing the broken chairs that were down there . Finding a bucket of nails in the corner of the basement , he picked them up then went over and picked up the hammer from where it lay beside the toolbox . Noticing that the other tools he 'd taken out of it yesterday , were back inside , and knowing that he hadn 't been the one to put them there , he peered inside at them . " That was strange , " he thought , for he didn 't remember his mom or his dad going down into the basement since he 'd taken the tools out . Putting the strangeness of the situation out of his mind , he was about to get up and begin his work on the broken chairs when he caught a glimpse of something that shouldn 't have been there . He took a couple of the tools out in order to get a better look . Sure enough , it was the ring he 'd found in there yeterday and given his mother . He went upstairs and showed it to his mother . " I thought you said Dad took the ring with him this morning , " he said with a puzzled look . My aunt , a little startled , said " I thought he had when I couldn 't find it this morning . I 'm glad you found it . Where was it ? " " In the toolbox ? I didn 't . Is that where you found it ? " " Yes , " answered Sam forgetting about the tools which had also been put back by someone as yet unknown . When my uncle got home that evening , my aunt asked him if he 'd taken the ring and put it back downstairs in the toolbox for some reason . He hadn 't touched the ring . Upon questioning Sam again later on that evening , my aunt was satisfied that he told her the truth . How had it gotten back down there in the toolbox , she wondered . Finding no logical explanation , she forgot about it and , as she had the night before , after getting ready for bed , she took the ruby ring and her wedding ring off and layed them on the headboard . And as before , the next morning the ruby ring was gone . Once again she searched the bedroom even though she knew she wouldn 't find it . When my cousin got up , she told him that the ring was gone again and together , the two of them fearfully went downstairs to check the toolbox , subconciously knowing that was where it would be . There it lay in the bottom of the toolbox , partially hidden by the tools that lay on top of it . She told my cousin that although she very much appreciated him cleaning the ring up and giving it to her , she thought it best that they leave it where it was , for someone , or some - thing , obviously did not want it removed from the toolbox . My cousin didn 't argue , for he too , had sensed that something wasn 't quite right . Without touching the toolbox , my aunt and my cousin went back upstairs then left the house , coming back a short time later with another small padlock . They went down to the basement , put the hammer and the couple of other tools laying there , back inside , then closed the toolbox and locked it . She told my cousin not to ever mess with it again . He agreed , and they went back upstairs . You are a truly awesome teller of true stories , Cheryl . Thanks for sending this one in . Cheryl would like everyone to know if they have any questions about the story to post them in the Ghostories Forum - - she 'll be glad to answer ! :-) . . . Keno Where it Happened : My family home My family and I have always been in tune to paranormal activities and I could tell many , many stories . I don 't look for ghosts , yet they seem to find me . My family moved around a lot when I was a child and I could probably tell a tale about almost every house we lived in . When I was about ten years old we finally settled into a three bedroom ranch style house in my home town . Things seemed normal for the few years until I was about 12 years old , until I started hearing heavy breathing in my room at night . It used to drive me crazy . I would stuff paper in my ears just to go to sleep ( for ear plugs ) , but when I took it out , I would hear the breathing again . I knew the breathing I was hearing was not in my head . At about the same time my mother and sister claimed they were waking up at night and being pinned down by an invisible entity . They said they were unable to move or breathe when it visited , and that they were truly terrified . Because they were in shear terror , they started sleeping together to be " safe . " I didn 't meet the " Paralyzor " until I was about 17 . My experience was the same as my sister and mother . I could not move or breathe and I swear someone or something was holding me down . This happened on several occasions . Sometimes I would try to ask the Paralyzor who it was and to show its face , but I could not speak . Whatever it was , it was cowardly . My mother moved to Texas and I rented the family home from her . It was about two weeks before the Paralyzor let me know he was there . I came home from work at about 3 : 30 p . m . and was tired . Since I was expecting company at 7 o ' clock , I took a nap . But about 5 p . m . , the Paralyzor woke me . I swear it felt like someone was on top of me that I could not see . I could feel a knee against my thigh and an elbow pinning my my neck . We seemed to wrestle . I actually broke its grip . Out of the corner of my eyes I saw a dark human figure run out of the room . Still not really seeing it , I followed it into the kitchen , trying to turn on several lights on the way . They did not work . When I got to the kitchen the Paralyzor seemed to be gone . I walked outside and everything was normal . It was an early New England evening . The T - roofs were off on my Camaro , just as I had left it . The only thing that was strange was there were no lights on in the entire neighborhood . Suddenly I was back in my bed . I got up and all the lights I had tried to turn on were on . Had this been a ghost and an outer - body experience ? All for the price of one ? Or just a dream ? You decide . As for the Paralyzor , this one is startling , indeed . You see , it indicates a spirit that is indeed troubled , if not extremely perverse . I wonder what some late night detective work might prove out regarding this old structure , its history of inhabitants , and possibly older stories involving things better left unstated and unsaid . Possibly you just joined us for the first time on this fine evening , yes ? If so , I would suggest turning on that light in the far corner . . . yes , that one over there next to the far window . I thought I heard a strange sound coming from that direction just a few minutes ago ! It sounded like breathing . . . . Thanks for sending in the story , Dale . It was great , and thanks for getting the Ghostories Tee Shirt - - it will be winging its way to you in a matter of a few days - - wear it in good health with my compliments ! ~ ~ ~ Keno His Favorite Author : Stephen King Members of my family and myself have had many encounters over the last 28 years . I 'll start with the most recent and go from there . In August 1998 I had just finished my second and final tour in the Army and was hired by the railroad here in Peru , so we ( my wife , son and me ) moved in with my parents for a few months until we got our own place . While I was at the school training for my new job I called my wife to see how things were going at home . She told me that she thought our 4 year old son Trey had seen one of the two ghosts in my parents house . This gave me chills as soon as I heard this . She said that the two of them were in bed when Trey woke up and asked , " What ? " which then woke up my wife , Joyce . She then asked Trey what he wanted . Trey said , " What did you say ? " and Joyce told him that she didn 't say anything . Joyce then got out of bed to see if the cats were loose ( we kept them in the spare bedroom at night ) . After seeing the cats were not loose , and were still in the spare bedroom , she returned to the room in which she and Trey were sleeping . Trey then said , " She 's laughing at me " and Joyce asked , " Who ? " - - and Trey pointed at the open door and said , " That mommy just like you was laughing at me . " This of course scared my wife because I had told her of other encounters that had happened to myself and other members of my family . All three of us were afraid to sleep in that bedroom after this happened . What is really scary is only two people , Trey and my Aunt Susan , have seen one of the two known ghosts in the house , and both times it was in that room . Another reason that this gave me chills is that it brought back the memory of my first encounter . And here it is ! When I was 7 years old , my mother and two younger sisters lived in this old apartment in Peru . One night my mother had a few family and friends over for a visit . My mothers bedroom was towards the back of the apartment and when it came time for me and my sisters to go to bed she put all three of us in her bed so the grownups wouldn 't keep us up while they were visiting . I had one of those " stick horses " that had a plastic head and a stick coming out of it and you ran around and acted like you were riding a horse . I carried this thing with me all the time and always hung it on the curtain rod over my bedroom window before I went to sleep at night . That night I took the stick horse , ( I named it Pokey ) to my mothers room as we prepared to go to sleep and hung it over the curtain rod like I did in my bedroom . The next thing I remember was waking up from the grownups laughter in the living room . I looked around the bedroom and both my sisters were still asleep . We were all in my mothers bed and I then looked at the wall opposite of the window I had " Pokey " hanging . I then noticed the shadow of " Pokey " on the wall and also the fact that the shadow was moving ! Pokey 's shadow looked as if it was pacing back and forth . I was not scared to watch the shadow move about on the wall , but I was starting to wonder what was happening . I watched this go on for a few minutes and then for some reason I said , " Stop it Pokey ! " and at the very moment the bed my sisters and I were in lifted in the air and then slammed into the floor . I don 't know how high the bed rose , but when it hit the floor it woke both of my sisters up and they started crying . I was so scared at this time that I couldn 't cry . My mother heard the noise the bed had made and my sisters crying , so she came into the bedroom along with my uncle and she asked what had happened . All I could say was , " There 's something under this bed ! " My mother and uncle just chuckled and said that there was nothing under the bed , that it was just my imagination . I protested this the best way that a 7 year old boy could but they still wouldn 't believe me . I can remember that like it was yesterday and I 'm getting goosebumps just telling this story . Thanks go out to our new Ghostories Member , Dwight , for sending in this great story . I know there were rooms at my relatives homes that didn 't feel like sleeping in , they gave me the creeps - - but nothing ever happened . I 'm sure I would have opted for the couch the very next time if that had happened to me ! For sure ! Sounds like we have a new member with a lot of great personal accounts to tell ( Yesss ! ! and we got this submittal posted in less than 48 hours ! ! ) Just keep on sending them in and we 'll post them once each month for a whole year like we do for all Ghostories Members ( who " don " the magnificent Tee ) - - and most certainly , we 'll be sending your Ghostories Tee Shirt right away and hope you enjoy wearing it and glowing - in - the - dark this Halloween ! Welcome aboard ! After talking to Clint Ford ( aka Dr . Thinkenstein ) at Radio Disney , I was impressed with their creativity in selecting titles for each tale they will be telling during their upcoming " 13 Nights of Halloween " radio programs they are putting together - - that will also include a wonderful tale from O ' Neill 's Ghostories - - and the title " Elevator Bed " was almost the one I nearly picked out for this one . It made me think of the earthquake we had just last night , but for sure , the bed didn 't rise , just shake a lot . I can only wonder what I would do if the bed actually came off the floor and floated in the air ! Her Favorite Author : Anne Rice It all began when my husband and I were house hunting . We found a great two bedroom condo . From the moment that we moved in , I had an eerie feeling that something was not right . I always got the feeling when coming down the stairs that someone was right behind me , and the hallway seemed so much colder than any other parts of the house . The things that I am about to tell you about happened over a period of a year . We had been in the house for a few months and one night we were all upstairs in bed . We started hearing the kitchen cabinets opening and closing . Since we have cats , we thought maybe one of the cats got into a cabinet and couldn 't get out . But much to our surprise , the cabinets in the kitchen started to slam shut . We immediately ran down the stairs and the cabinets stopped slamming . We sat in our living room for a little while waiting for our heartbeats to slow down and we went back to the kitchen . After about two hours , this stopped . I immediately told my husband the feeling that I had when we moved in and begged that we move out , but he later talked me into staying because he figured it probably wouldn 't happen again . Still , for the next few months we had this problem with our kitchen drawers and cabinets . The next incident happened when my husband and I were upstairs with the lights on and the downstairs lights were on too . All of a sudden we thought that the kitchen cabinet was opening , but it wasn 't - it was the fuse box cover . One by one the fuses were turned off . Let me remind you that when this happened , my husband , myself and our sleeping daughter were the only ones in the house , and we were all upstairs . The house was completely dark and the kitchen cabinets and drawers began to slam furiously . As my husband raced down the stairs - I felt a presence in the bedroom and it told me not to worry that it was here . The bedroom was extremely cold and the voice that I was hearing was not the voice of my husband 's . Later that week , my sister - in - law stayed the night ( my daughter was away at her grandmother 's ) and we decided to take a walk in the woods behind our condo . Before you know it , this bluish see - through apparition appeared and began to chase us . It never touched the ground . We ran and I don 't know how we got away , but we made it inside . Once we were in the living room , not only could we see it , but we could hear it slam time and time again against our sliding glass door . We thought that it would shatter , and then it disappeared . When my sister - in - law went to bed later that night she woke up thinking my daughter had come downstairs ( but my daughter wasn 't home ) . What she saw was a child that was see - through and when my sister - in - law , who was still half asleep told her , " Holly go back upstairs , " it instantly disappeared . The next morning she told us her tale and refused to ever stay the night at our house again . A few months went by and we didn 't hear or see a thing - - but when I was watching television at home alone one night , my cat that had been lying beside me suddenly puffed up and went running under the bed . I got chills and thought to myself , oh no , not again . Then all of a sudden , as I was lying in bed , it was like something sat down on the bed ( you know when someone sits down and there is an imprint on the bed ) - there was an imprint . All I could do was to try to convince myself to stay calm and tell myself it would go away . With my luck it did , but later that night I awoke to something that was heart - stopping . I had thought that my condo was being burglarized . It sounded like people were trashing my downstairs looking for something . My husband was working nights now and my daughter was fast asleep . I began to panic . I reached for the phone and tried to call 9 - 1 - 1 , but all I received was a message on the phone telling me that I had a party on my same line , and instructions to hang up and try again . This was really scaring me . I crept into my daughter 's room and grabbed her . After awhile everything quieted down . I then decided to check out the downstairs for myself . I told my daughter to stay in the closet and to be quiet . When I went downstairs everything was in its place and the doors were locked . I did manage to call the police and they arrived and fingerprinted . When I told them what I heard , they looked at me like I was crazy and said I had a terrible nightmare . The police left and the house was silent once again . After this , my husband and I decided to call a minister over to have him bless the house . Believe me , this took a couple of times and now the house is quiet again , but for how long I don 't know . I can 't even imagine living through your experience , and from the sound of it , you still live there . There have been a few other stories submitted to Ghostories with cupboards opening and closing , it seems to be a common thread for haunted abodes . I often wonder not about how it happens , but why ? Is it a ghost trying to get attention with an obvious " tool " that will definitely make some noise ? And once you were downstairs , you would think it would stop , but it just got more intense as if it were trying to scare you away , but it didn 't succeed - - and I 'll just bet that you might have puzzled it . You must not scare easily ! If it were me I think I would have been spending the night at Motel 6 ! ! ( Do they still leave the light on ? ) Tomorrow , I 'll go to the post office and take that newly wrapped Ghostories Tee Shirt sitting on my table over there and send it winging your way to Tampa , Florida ! I hope you enjoy wearing it and glowing - in - the - dark in the months ahead ! Welcome aboard ! Her Favorite Author : Stephen King Hi , my name is Julia I was born here in Galveston - - it is a real old town . My mom was born here and her dad was born here . There are many tales about Galveston , here 's one my boyfriend told me about . At the UTMB Medical Branch there is a face on the wall outside of the building . No one knows how it appeared there , they try to wash it off , paint over it , it still appears on the building . The face appears to be of a sea captain . It was in the paper a while back . It is a true story . Hi , I 'm back again to tell you the rest of the face on the building . The story goes that the man who used the land , that Ewing Hall sits on , did not want it sold to UTMB . This is the hospital I was born in , He threatened to haunt his relatives if this ever happened . Well , as the story goes , they of course sold out and now he has been seen on the side of the building . A lot of people go there to feel his presence , and they can feel it too ! Just thought I 'd give you a little more detail on it thanks . I even feel it too . Well , any ways on with the story , Tawn , her mom and grandma were going on a trip , I can 't remember where , and the car stopped running . Her mom got out to see what she could do , and she told my friend not to start the car until she told her to . So her mom opens the hood hasn 't even touched it yet , and here is the car trying to start up all by itself . So her mom tries again , again the car starts up again . She tells my friend to turn it off she holds up the keys and shows her they were not in the ignition . That freaked my friend out . She was scared for a few days after . This was told to me by my best friend Tawn . Congrats on the new tee Julia ! And welcome to Ghostories ! Her Favorite Author : Robert Heinlein This is not my story , but a story my grandmother who recently passed away told me . In North Carolina years ago , my mom 's family was a collection of poor farmers . Another wealthier family , the Taylors , had a large plot of land and my family worked for them as sharecroppers . More recently , about 20 years ago , there was a big family reunion held at the Taylor 's farm . For those not familiar with the South , many older families have cemeteries on their land , it 's a relatively common practice . My grandmother and her sister were at the reunion , and had gone out to one of the barns which was situated next to the Taylor family cemetery to get something . They were about to head back to house after picking up what they came for , when my grandma saw something moving near the gravestones . Thinking it was a raccoon or a dog , she picked up a stick to run it off . As it came closer , she could see that it wasn 't a raccoon , and not really a dog . After a little research , my grandma thinks she knows who the man was . The Taylors were a relatively wealthy family , but they had some relatives who weren 't as pleasant or well - to - do . One of them was John Taylor . He had a very bad reputation as a cheat , a liar , and an all - around jerk . He had lived alone in a little shack out in the woods and rarely interacted with other people . It is believed that he was not found until many weeks after his death , which was believed at one point to be due to foul play . And , John Taylor is still quite the jerk ! At one point , my grandpa was out back at the Taylors ' farm chopping wood when he heard someone laughing . He looked up , and perched atop the log pile was John Taylor , pointing and laughing at him . John Taylor never did think much of honest work and never held a job for long . |
I had planned to sweep the floors and dust the furniture when I came home at 3 pm this afternoon , but I got waylaid by Jesker , who needed lots of attention and food and a walk , and then I got distracted by checking my bank account , which was surprisingly low and I was expecting some money to be deposited into it , which wasn 't there , and then I got absorbed in reading my mail , which looked very important , but after reading every piece of it , it all turned out to be a popcorn fart , so I filed it away and was left , for now , with one bill to pay , which will have to wait until I am more solvent . Men , do I live an exciting life or what ? So , then the computer was on and I had a choice , do I sweep and dust in the heat , or do I park myself behind the computer at the end of the day and ignore the dust and dog hair ? I chose the latter as you can see and I feel good about the choice and am glad to sit down here and unwind for a bit and let my fingers do the walking across the keyboard . I can sweep and dust tomorrow when I 'll be home at 12 : 30 pm , just before the " cleaning person " gets here and he better not expect me to wash windows with him , because it is way to hot for that and all house cleaning should really be suspended until the temperatures drop . Everybody 's idea of a summer afternoon right now is to sit in their gardens with refreshing drinks and I 'm keeping relatively cool in the apartment where it is four degrees cooler than it is outside . Luckily , I have a well insulated place and the back is in constant shade , cooling things down a bit . I have the top windows open to create a draft and it is just working . This morning I went to the tobacconist , where I had not been for ten days and I was pleasantly surprised that I made my tobacco last that long , and I made a side trip to a clothing store where I bought a decent pair of slippers for ten Euros . They are dressy and don 't look cheap , but now I need to do my toenails , because they look kind of raggedy , because really , when do I ever pay attention to my toenails hidden awaPosted by . . . I drink a mug of coffee to clear the cobwebs out of my head , but why are they there , you ask ? I don 't know ! They just accumulate there after I 've done a lot of things behind the computer , so it must be from sitting in one position too long that the mental spiders take the opportunity to spin their webs . So , quick , I must pour in some coffee to clear my mind and shake myself free of those raggedy threads that accumulate dust and forgetfulness . I was busier at the beginning of the afternoon when I cleaned up the living room and the kitchen and did the dishes and a load of laundry and almost dusted everything , but came to my senses at the last minute and went to the drugstore instead . I bought a new mascara , because the old one was damn near empty and did hardly anything for my lashes at all , but just elongate them a little bit to not make me look completely naked eyed , but it was a lot of hard work to get them to that point and then you do realize that you 're fighting a battle and that you need to throw that mascara away and buy a nice new one . Which I did and it will make my lashes long and lush and it is waterproof , it said so on the package and I always believe what it says on the package , don 't you ? I also bought myself a new jar of styling wax , because when I was at the hairdresser , I realized that her wax was a totally different consistency than the wax I had at home and she was getting such nice results with her wax , whereas I was getting crummy results with my wax , which I realized then was to thick and sticky . I just had the wrong wax . So I went to the shelf with hair products and opened each jar of hair wax until I found the right one with the right consistency and I didn 't look at the price , I just put it in my basket . Then I did a daring deed and went to the perfumes and eau de colognes and picked one out that was not too expensive , but that smelled nice enough , because I am totally out of any kind of nice smelling product at all , except for my deodorant and , since I 'm a woman in heart and soul , I want tPosted by If I don 't dawdle I can very quickly write a post before I have to get my act together . I am sitting here in the early morning and have been up for awhile , because I went to sleep early last night . It was wonderful , I couldn 't keep my eyes open and laid down in the bed like the Lady of Shallot and drifted off to sleep and dreamed intricate symbolic dreams that were very meaningful to me and give me food for thought . It is creative therapy day and I 'm looking forward to it very much . I will be working on that circular doodle that I 'm coloring with ink as I go along . I 'm hoping it will turn out even better than the other three , because there will be much less black in it . You learn as you go along and you learn from you probable errors , even if they are little ones . I don 't mind that , as long as there is headway . I 've forgotten to put out the trash , because I went to sleep so early and just now the trash man came by . It was too late for me to run out half dressed to put my bag out . Well , it isn 't the first time I have forgotten and I will just have double the trash next week . I pay per bag , so it 's no big deal . You must have all noticed that my mood has become " normal " again . It has for a few days now , but I didn 't want to mention it in case it was just a freak occurrence and I 'd start cycling again , but I 'm pretty sure it 's over now . This is a great relief to me , because there is nothing nicer than knowing in what sort of mood you will be all day long and to have it be mostly upbeat is a nice bonus . The things to do are , eat on time , drink something nutritious regularly , get away from the computer on time , rest every once in a while and go to sleep on time , no matter what time that is . Oh yes , and take breaks from whatever you do . In my case I get to walk the dog and make cigarettes and sit by the dining table for a while and look out the window and contemplate my navel , which is highly underrated . You must contemplate your navel regularly . I got up this morning and had to give the cats fresh milk and kibbles and the dPosted by I have been writing very short stories here and here , so if you want something to read , be my guest and indulge . I 've been using this weekend to catch up on such things and it pleases me very much to do so , because I get a chance to read what other people have written and comment on those stories as well . We short story writers need a lot of encouragement , although I think the true dedicated ones will write without it also , just for the sake of writing , as long as there is a forum for them . Today is the glorious day of Sunday , the day on which no work is done , officially . I did clean up the kitchen and living room a bit before I sat myself down here , but I ought to do some dishes and it may be possible that I 'll do those yet and a load of laundry . As long as I 'm doing it out of my free will , and not because I 'm compelled to out of a feeling of guilt , I think I can handle those few chores . I 've just used the last tall glass that was in the cupboard to drink my juice from and now I only have little glasses left , so I must do the dishes , because I refuse to drink from a little glass . I 'm a true American and only want large portions of anything . I also drink my coffee from the largest mug that I have in the apartment and it is just big enough for a double serving of Senseo . When offered a cookie , I always take two . One cookie is nothing . It hardly opens up your taste buds , but here it 's normal to take only one . I think that 's so Puritan . I think you really should eat four cookies at one sitting . Two at the time with your two cups of tea . That 's not too much , is it ? When having people over for dinner , I think there should be an abundance of food and not just enough to go around . People should feel free to take seconds or thirds and you should never be in the position where you have to say to them that the food is all gone , except for the meat dish maybe , or if it is an individual fish portion . All other things should be piled on . You want people to waddle home and groan while they 're doing it . I learned that while being pPosted by This morning I got up before the alarm clock even had a chance to go off . I had slept a lot on the sofa last night while attempting to watch TV . I tried to watch several programs , but spent nearly the whole evening in a sound slumber and when I woke up from it , I took my medicines and went straight to bed . My wonderful bed that I can 't get enough of in my cozy , as yet unpainted , bedroom . Luckily , although I was somewhat comatose when I woke up , I did have the wherewithal to get on the bathroom scale and weigh myself , which I always do first thing in the morning before I 've had my coffee , and with my lightweight pajamas on . I weighed 92 . 6 kilos , so now I 've lost more than 7 kilos . A big congratulations to myself is in order here , because now I 'm at the halfway mark and have 7 kilos left to lose . After that , I 'm going to pretty much keep eating the way I am now , so we 'll see what happens . I may add something like low fat yogurt or cottage cheese with pine apple or some other treat . I 'll see . The thing is to keep eating nutritious and responsible and not eat empty calories or calories that are packed with sugars or fat . The reason I got up early , was to get to the supermarket on time , so after I was awake sufficiently , I got dressed and walked Jesker and then made a shopping list , which pretty much looks the same every week , give or take a few items . Mentally , I walk through the store and make my list accordingly , so one item will follow the other in the right order . I got on my extremely funky bike , which now sounds as if it will fall apart any minute , and rode it on the quiet streets to the store , where it was uncrowded , and got a trolley and started shopping . The only thing I had to stop and think about was the lunch meat and which kind to get . I finally settled on salami , which I think will make my open faced sandwiches very appealing this week . I try to pick a different lunch meat every week to keep things a bit exciting in my otherwise very unexciting menu . I was home a little after 9 am and unpacked the groceries Posted by I woke up at 6 am , full of good intentions , but as I sat there with my coffee and my cigarettes , all my good intentions flew out the window and at 7 am I called in sick for creative therapy . Then I went back to sleep for a few hours thinking it would cheer me up . Well , it was nice to sleep some more , but it didn 't really cheer me up and it felt like a bear was sitting on my chest preventing me from breathing deeply and causing me pain there . This was more than melancholy , this was depression , but you 're not supposed to call it that if you 've only had it for such a short time . So we 'll just simply call it a depressed mood . I was supposed to see Von this afternoon , but the thought of riding my bike downtown and making cheerful conversation was too much for me to contemplate and I canceled our date . Then I sat and thought about what I really wanted to do and I thought I really wanted to go to the cozy hairdresser around the corner and have my hair washed and cut , so that is what I did . The girls there are so nice and always talk to you and smile at you and get you a coffee and I love to have someone mess with my hair . It is the ultimate luxury to me . It 's a treat and I needed one . I had my hair cut real short on the sides and in the back and just a little bit off the top . The girl fixed it very well with wax and hairspray and in a little while , if I have the energy , I will take a picture of myself and stick it in my profile . If I had any nails to speak off , I would have a manicure and a pedicure and while I 'm at it , I would also have a whole body massage with herbal oils , but that is too dear for me . I just want to be pampered . Wouldn 't it be nice if those services were included in the mental health package ? People who don 't get touched enough need those things . It 's very hot outside , too hot for my liking , and you can hardly wear any clothes . Sun dresses are about it , but I feel so naked in only a sun dress . I want to wear something to cover my arms , or at least my shoulders and upper arms . It 's going to be hot tomorrow , Posted by Since today was Thursday , I didn 't have any therapy at all , so I could sleep a little bit later . The alarm clock still went off at 7 am , but I shut it off and went back to sleep until 8 : 30 am . I was expecting the " cleaning person " at 11 am and wanted to get some things done before he got here . I had washed Jesker 's blanket and wanted to vacuum the area rug under the coffee table really well so as to prevent any flea population from developing . I think we are free of fleas so far , but you never know . I also wanted to vacuum the furniture because the sides of everything was covered in dog hair . But first I wanted to very leisurely wake up and then clean up the kitchen , so I had some cups of coffee while I made cigarettes and watched the world outside go by through the not so clean windows . After I did all my morning rituals , walk Jesker , take my medication and all those other things , I got to work and just as I was finished , the " cleaning person " showed up and surprised me by suggesting that we wash the living room windows together . That was an offer I was not going to refuse and we went to work while Jesker barked at us , because he thought we were doing strange things . The result was very clean windows that you can look through without seeing a speck of dirt , so I was mighty pleased and we are going to do the bedroom windows next week . Jesker will think that is even stranger . I vacuumed the bedroom after the " cleaning person " was gone and made sure the bathroom was cleaned up and I thought that was enough of that . There 's only so much cleaning I 'm willing to do in one day , so I turned on the computer and had me some quality time there . My mood has settled on the minus side of the middle , which is not bad and something I can live with and I don 't find it difficult at all , but what I didn 't realize until tonight is that I am still ultra rapid cycling and that in the afternoon my mood takes a turn for the worse and I really need to go to sleep then to reset the whole mechanism . The change in mood sneaks up on me and I 'm inPosted by This morning , I unwittingly shut off the alarm clock and went back to sleep and woke up and hour and a half later , which meant that , at my speed of getting the show on the road , I was going to be late for ergo therapy , so I made a phone call to leave a message letting them know that . Then I relaxed and had my coffee and cigarettes in a leisurely manner until I was in a functioning mode and could take care of myself and Jesker . There is a multitude of things I have to do in about 40 minutes time then , not to forget the cats who need clean water and milk and fresh food in their dishes . I have to pretty much do it in the proper order or else I 'll forget something and leave the house without having taken my medicines or something . Mostly I manage pretty well , though , and somehow get it all done , although sometimes I forget to check Jesker 's water bowl and I get home and it is empty . So , I got to ergo therapy late and I was in the kind of mood that I really didn 't care . I so didn 't want to sit and listen to everybody 's problems and it was hard to sit at the table and feign interest and not show boredom . I suppose that after a year , you get a little callous , not about everything and everybody , but about somethings and somebodies and I realized that I didn 't want to come up with solutions and comforting words , because I didn 't have any . At least not for the two people who needed them most , because they are way at the beginning of a process that I left behind me along time ago . When it was my turn to say how I was doing , I said I was doing great and I briefly described the blip on the radar , but that it was now behind me . I don 't like to sit and make a long drama out of it . It has been dealt with , it is over . No need to make a sob story out of it once again . I already did that . I don 't know . I always make short shrift of my time to speak and I always do it in the most optimistic terms . I try not to sit there as a helpless victim with an unsolvable problem . I try to be ahead of the game and already have the answers and just nePosted by It 's late at night , but I don 't yet feel like going to bed at all . It 's very cozy here right now . The cats are hanging around and Jesker is rolling around on the floor pretending he 's a puppy , which he sometimes does in his old age . He just woke up from a long nap and wanted some attention and something to eat , which I have just given him . I 've spent the evening reading blogs and commenting on them and answering emails . I keeps me busy and off the street where a well brought up woman like me has no business hanging around . Could you see me now , hanging out on street corners , decked out in my finest , trying to drum up business ? The idea alone gives me the shivers . Besides , I 'm too much of a homebody to be out at night . I need to know that my bed is within a short walking distance in case I 'm suddenly attacked by sleep , which can happen in a moment without much notice . Since I 've exchanged bedrooms , my bed is even more appealing than the sofa ever was and the cats feel the same way , because I regularly share the bed with at least one of them . Gandhi wins that battle most often , causing Toby to feel left out and moping on the kitchen counter . I don 't care if they want to sleep on the bed , as long as I get to stretch out completely and I don 't have to sleep in some convoluted way that 's uncomfortable and makes me wake up with sore legs . I am not in the least bit nice about sharing the space if they get in the way and I take up all the room I want . They have to accommodate me . I 'm so glad the dog doesn 't sleep on the bed . We would have major issues about the space . Oh yes , this morning I weighed 93 . 1 kilos , so I 'm coming up on 7 kilos lost . Just a little bit more . At creative therapy this morning , I ate 5 pieces of nougat that were sitting in a dish right in the middle of the table waiting for me to have some . Well really , what did you expect me to do ? And yesterday I ate 5 chocolates or maybe 6 , I lost count . Those sort of things fill me up for quite a long time and it takes a while before I 'm hungry again . I never say noPosted by I 've bounced back really well after a telephone conversation this afternoon with my daughter and my subsequent session with my SPN , who got my thinking about the problem straightened out . We eliminated some of the darkness in my mind and alleviated some of the pain in my heart , so now I can function again like a normal human being . I would like to step right back into my hypomanic phase , but I don 't think that I 'll be so lucky , although I do feel a huge lightening of the load . I wasn 't quite done with my hypomanic experiment and wanted many more weeks of trying to keep the reigns in my hands while being so absolutely convinced of my righteousness and superiority . Now I will slowly let that feeling creep back into my being , where I want it to belong and take over the darker clouds that linger in the recesses of my mind . I 'm not an undeserving woman , after all . I am convinced of that . It 's strange how your days go . Today I was preoccupied with my own thoughts and I barely paid attention to what was happening around me . I didn 't really care that much and thought everybody had to figure it out on their own today , without my two cents worth . I 'm usually pretty alert to what goes on around me , but today I didn 't give a hoot . I felt insulated by bubble wrap . The bubble wrap has mostly come off now except for a piece here and there , clinging stubbornly as it will ( static electricity ) , and I 'm not so insulated anymore . I felt the sun on my face when I rode my bike to my appointment , pedaling like a mad woman at times and not getting ahead . That bike ! This morning at creative therapy I started to color my doodles with colored ink . I don 't know if this is a good idea , but once I started , there was no way back . I just started on my third one and when they are done , I will take pictures of them and post them . It seemed like a good idea , but I am full of doubt . Hypomanic people are not full of doubt . They are sure about anything they undertake and undertake whatever comes up into their heads , within a certain amount of reason . I mePosted by I 've dealt with the mail . With much trepidation I opened all the envelopes and much to my relief , everything was much simpler and less complicated than I had anticipated , so I dealt with all of it and at the same time brought my administration in order and I just got back with Jesker from a walk to the local mailbox . There , that 's done for now until the next round of mail . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I wrote the above a few hours ago . Since then I 've had a phone call that has set me back quite a bit and to be honest with you , my mood has plummeted and I 'm not sure if I 'm going to finish writing this post , because I can 't discuss with you the nature of the phone call without seriously damaging someone 's reputation , yet I don 't like to write in riddles . I don 't know if this has caused permanent damage to the mood I was in , but I 'm afraid I 'm not doing so well right now . A ghost from the past is haunting me and I would say that is very bad timing coming as it does after my wonderful memories of my son . I feel I am back in the old territory of sadness and pain and it feels as familiar as an old worn coat . " Oh yes , " my whole being is saying , " We know this , we feel right at home here . " Suffice it to say that I 'm making this a very short post , because I have no happiness in me to write anything cheerful . Sorry about that . Ciao . . . Posted by For some reason , I have been up since the wee hours of the night and I 've heard the birds greet the early morning and watched it become dawn . That made me happy , to see the first signs of daylight , as it signaled the end of the night and made my presence here more legitimate because people are only supposed to be up in something that resembles the early morning , no matter what time it is on the Northern hemisphere . The dog took the opportunity to start the day early too , once he realized I was up , and had to do numerous piddles out back . Then he decided he was hungry and started to eat the cat food , but I got him to stop that by giving him a bowl of his new dog kibbles and he vacuumed those up . It was just like that , like he was an elephant with a long trunk sucking up the kibbles and then they were gone . Then he ate all the cat food anyway . I sat here in resignation . So did Toby . It 's going to be a partially cloudy day today with the temperature around 18 degrees C . I already know what I am going to wear , the same thing I did yesterday , because it was comfortable and pretty , although I may change the cardigan for a different one and the leggings for gray ones that match the gray dots in the dress . I always have to color co - ordinate . It 's the sign of a well turned out woman . It 's creative therapy morning and I 'm going to work on my doodle in a circle and not do a sculpture , because I could not find any I wanted to make . I would google some , but the printer is almost out of ink and I can 't print the image if I find one . That is one thing I will do , is get the cartridge refilled right at the computer store around the corner . Life is so full of expenses . Anyway , I don 't mind doodling , because it will put me in a different part of the studio where some interesting women hang out and I like to watch them work , One of them is making fantastic artworks with oil pastels and paints and inks and the one she 's working on now is going to be wonderful . It 's a pleasure to see it and to see her absorbed in the work . This doodle I 'm makPosted by It was already past 1 pm and I was sitting here in my pajamas reading blogs and drinking glasses of multi vitamin juice , being a woman of leisure with nothing better to do but smoke numerous cigarettes and leave astute comments behind , when finally Jesker decided that he had digested his food well enough and that it was time to go out and do his business and leave his mark on the various bushes and lamp posts in the neighborhood . This meant I had to get dressed and get my unruly , ' sticking up all over the place hair ' in order . I did this by rubbing a damp washcloth over it and that worked just fine and I ended up with exactly the right hairdo so , as they say , you learn something new every day . Now I have washcloth hair that you apply hairspray to and that is extremely fashionable and wouldn 't look out of place on the catwalk . I just need the body to go with it , but in my upbeat mind , I already have it and can 't be persuaded to think anything else , so I act like I do . Honestly , I have such a high opinion of myself , that I regularly need to be scraped off the ceiling and when I go outside , I should be weighed down by a ball and chain or I would escape gravity . Just now Jesker served that purpose . At the moment , I don 't have a humble bone in my body and they are all light as air . It can 't be the weather that is making me feel this way , because we started the day off with showers , some of them pretty hefty . Jesker didn 't even want to go out back in them and did a piddle on a weed that was growing in a crack by the wall of the apartment just outside the door . He has no sense of decorum whatsoever . Maybe it will kill the weed and I won 't have to pull it out , but it 's a pretty tall one and well established . That goes to show you how much I let nature take its course out back . All growing things go their own way . I have some very pretty flowering weeds in the flowerbeds that I refuse to pull out . The flowers are dainty and pink and it looks like someone planted them there . Nothing can kill them , because Jesker piddles on thePosted by Many years ago , when I lived in Sonoma County and my son was still alive , I wrote a long story called ' The Green Stone Woman . ' It was a story about my life then , disguised as a psychological fairytale in which there was no prince charming and in the end of which I died . I had a lot of moments of huge happiness then and other moments of terrible heartache . I felt I lived in a fantastic story myself and that in a way I had lost touch with any sort of ordinary life and only lived in extreme forms of emotions and conditions and predicaments . The most normal people in my life then , although they could not even pull me close to near normality , were my two children who entered my life on a regular basis and reminded me of where I had come from and the heartache I felt about having left them behind . One of the things we did , was go to Goat Rock beach where the Russian river emptied into the Pacific ocean and where there was a huge amount of stones washed up on the beach in all sorts of colors and patterns . It was fun to walk around with your head bent down to look for the prettiest stones when they were wet from the shallow waves washing over them . This released all the colors and patterns in them that you could not see as well when they were dry . My son and I enjoyed doing this the most and we looked for the best stones we could find and became very picky . After a while , we decided to only collect the green stones with special patterns in them . Now , I don 't remember which came first , all those green stones , or one single accidental green stone and the story , but I became the Green Stone Woman and this fact is so intertwined with the existence and memory of my son , that I had pushed it out of my mind until today , when a photo on another blog reminded me of those days on that beach . I guess I am ready to remember that now . In my mind 's eye , I can see us walking there in the bright sunlight , getting excited about an especially pretty stone . My son 's patience at looking for them was phenomenal . He was a teenager and you don 't exPosted by As far as I 'm concerned , we all forget about that spiritual weblog that I tried to start up as soon as possible , because it caused me nothing but extreme frustration until the wee hours of the night , while finding out that I am a neo - pagan , and I just wanted it so badly , that I became fixated on it and couldn 't leave it alone and wanted it to look the way I wanted it to and make it accept all your comments . I should have seen the writing on the wall . The minute I start to involve my usual sober minded self with spiritual matters , it 's a sign that I 'm hypomanic , but I didn 't even realize it until late at night when I was frustrating myself to pieces and becoming dysphoric . When it was already late enough , I took my heavy duty sleeping pill and my tranquilizers and went to bed , but this morning I was up bright and chipper when the alarm clock rang and more than ready to start the new day . I felt I had no other duty but to set you all straight , but I have to figure out how to get back onto belief . net and I 'll do that in a while , where I can direct lost and confused people back to this blog , but I hope you all have enough sense to have a look here . That # @%(*&^%(!@ blog ! ! ! I wish I had never run across it . Even now it is still tempting me with its spiritual lure and promises of customized headers and imported archives and friends who can leave comments . It 's not out of my system yet . It 's a fixation and I know them so well . So this morning I went to creative therapy and walked in and someone said , " Oh , have you done something to your hair ? " I said , " No silly , I 'm wearing glasses ! " Nobody else noticed them . At least , nobody commented on them , except for Lilian who reads this blog and knew I had them and she liked them . The rest looked at me like they always do , with friendly interested faces . Anyway , I sat down at the workbench and said in a loud voice , " Okay , where are my cookies and my cup of coffee ? ' " You wouldn 't believe it , but in the shortest amount of time I had a cup of coffee and two gingerbread cookies and a shorPosted by Today I spent 30 Euros of the last 40 Euros in my bank account to upgrade the glasses I had bought last December and that I wasn 't happy with at all . Well , a woman is allowed to change her mind and I picked those glasses when I was clearly not in my right one . I was so unhappy with them that I never wore them , which is really bad when you consider that the one lens is - 3 . I had a warranty on my glasses which stated that within a year of buying them , I could trade them in for another pair , but I had already done that once and I didn 't think they would let me do it again . I called the store and said that I had seen a pair of glasses that were more expensive and that the lenses of my old glasses were big enough to be made to fit in them . Well , under those circumstances , I was allowed to trade up . So I hopped on my funky bike and rode it downtown and picked the new glasses out and arranged for the old lenses to be put in them . Luckily , this wasn 't going to take too long , so I had about an hour to amuse myself in town . I went to the Our Dear Lady Square and sat at a table there all by myself in the dappled sunshine and ordered a hot chocolate with whipped cream that also came with a cookie . I figured I needed to treat myself to something nice . I do love sitting in a crowd all by myself and secretly watch all the people while I have my beverage and smoke my cigarette . I ladled the whipped cream out of the hot chocolate and it was delicious and then drank the rest carefully , because it was really hot . In the meantime , I was watching everything that was going on around me and heard many languages spoken and saw all sorts of people , skinny and fat , ugly and pretty , old and young and thought all my thoughts about them . When I still had half an hour to go , I ordered a diet coke and smoked my last two cigarettes . While I was there , the waiters dropped two glasses and one plate , all by moving too fast . So that adds up . Then I made my way down the narrow cobbled street where Specsavers is to pick up my glasses . The men handed them toPosted by I just woke up from a nap on the sofa that I started to take while I watched the last little bit of the news , so I can honestly say that I 'm informed again . The last thing I saw was the weatherman pointing to the temperatures tomorrow , which will differ quite a bit from those of today , although our mailman was an optimist and wore short sleeves , but he is hardy and almost always does , even when that awful hailstorm hit us . I must remember to take my naps on time and not wait so long . It would be better if I took one right when I got home in the afternoon , but I 'm too stubborn to go lie down then and think I should do half a dozen other things , none of which are really important when you get down to it . I keep going until I look cross eyed from exhaustion and have to drag my body over to the sofa for a good bit of sleep . Someone told me today that it 's all the medication I take that makes me so tired and maybe that is true . Fact remains , I have to take it and I guess I can blame it on the tranquilizers that I still take and that the psychiatrist wants to wean me off in the future . So , now I 'm awake again , sort of , and I 'm drinking a mug of decaf , but frankly , it isn 't doing much for me , so I think I will have some regular coffee next , or some coke , that may do the job as well . I need some caffeine , because I 'm yawning something awful . I had the other creative therapy today , the one in which I make the doodles . Well , the doodles are done now and I remembered to take some pictures of the last two and here they are : Our regular therapist was on vacation so we had a stand in , one of the male therapists who happens to be handsome in a very rugged way . He has blond hair and blue eyes and is quite handsome . He came and sat next to me while I was working on my last doodle and let me tell you , I am very much a full blooded heterosexual female , because I wanted to pull that man right into my bed . I lusted after him with my whole being . I felt it radiating right off me like an aura and I thought for sure that he was going to notiPosted by If I do all the things behind the computer that I want to do , and I don 't mean just farting around , I can easily spend a whole afternoon and still not be done . Not because I 'm slow , but because there 's so much to do and it all takes time , which I don 't mind , but it 's time taken away from doing other necessary things . I tell you , though , there 's nothing better than coming home from therapy and walking the dog and turning on the computer for a nice long session . Today I allowed myself that time . I made an executive decision . Especially when I checked the shelves and the refrigerator and saw that I do not have to go to the store for at least another two days . I very moodily got out of bed this morning when the alarm clock went off , because I thought it was way too early , but then I saw that cute face of Jesker who wanted to be petted and I had my coffee and cigarette and I felt a lot better . So , I took my time to become a fully functioning human being again and then got up to properly start the day . Once I get going , I 'm okay . I move like a train , albeit an early locomotive , not a high speed one . Today I had creative therapy , but I got there early enough to hang out in the stinking smoker 's room with a very depressed woman who wished she was home in bed and looked it too . I wanted to cheer her up , but didn 't know the words , not being depressed myself anymore to that point and only having vague memories of what that was like . It 's like childbirth , you forget how awful it was . Soon enough it was time to go down to the studio and go to work on my attempt at a sculpture . I 'm calling it an attempt , because as I worked on it , it became clear to me that the design didn 't lend itself well to the clay and that the whole thing was likely to collapse upon itself , and sure enough , pretty soon I reached that point . Do not despair . I folded the whole thing over and took the rest of the clay and pounded it all back into a solid block and started over again to redo the sculpture that came out of the oven in fifteen pieces . I do want thPosted by Well , I love Sunday enough to hang up the laundry to dry and to change my bed and to visit my sister for some very good cups of cappuccino from her built in magical coffee maker that also makes hot foamy milk . We sat out on the patio and looked at the sky with much suspicion , because it was turning that color gray that means rain is coming soon , but so far it has stayed dry , which is good , because my nephew has a football game this afternoon . No , I take that back . I see it is sprinkling ever so lightly . I don 't mind this one bit , as you all know , because I get to sit inside and not worry about a thing , and I didn 't hang the laundry outside to dry , knowing it was going to rain sooner or later and Jesker has been walked , so I am safe for now . This morning I weighed 94 . 9 kilos and I pulled a top out of the " too small to wear bag " and put it on . It fits much better now and I 'm quite happy with it . I 'll look in that bag more closely and see what else is in there . I may yet have some forgotten treasures . My sister said to me this morning that she liked my hair much better now that it had grown out a bit , so I know that the next time I have it cut they should not take off too much . I 'll wait a bit before I have it cut again and then tell them to only cut off the very tips of it . A compliment is worth something to me . I forgot to take the camera to take a picture of that very pretty tree of hers and I will probably forget it every time , because it 's in my handbag and I never bring it . I only bring the dog and my cigarettes . This morning I let Jesker off the leash at the field thinking he could have a good roam around , but he did no such thing , but walked straight home with me behind him trying to catch up . I think he is a lot deaf , because he paid no attention to me when I called him , but just kept right on going . He also doesn 't react to the outside doorbell anymore . It 's only when I pick up the intercom phone that he starts to bark , because he knows it means there 's someone there . He used to listen to me very well and now rPosted by I 've done my chores earlier today , though there are two waiting for me yet and that is to change the bed and to hang up the laundry that is now done in the washing machine . Actually , I had planned on doing those things earlier , but I forgot about them , because I became distracted with all the numerous things you can do on the computer and there seems to be no end to them . That is , if I want to keep track of all the things I 'm supposed to keep track off . Jesker woke me at 8 am this morning because he was having an argument with the cats who wanted to climb in bed with me and he didn 't want them to . There was quite a bit of growling and snarling going on . All jealousy , he was protecting his spot beside me . So , I had to get up , of course , to calm the waters and pay the proper amount of attention to each animal . Luckily , they allowed me my waking up time on the sofa while I absentmindedly petted them and drank my coffee before I got dressed and walked Jesker . When I got home , I turned on my play lists over at Deezer and commenced doing my chores to the cheerful notes of the music . I don 't know what it is , but I have whole periods of time that I don 't listen to music and then when I do , I remember how upbeat it is and how it helps me do my work . It 's actually quite entertaining and makes the work go easier and I do have a very interesting choice of music . It 's all stuff I like very much and I turn it up just loud enough not to be a nuisance to the neighbors . I 'm going to make myself listen to music every day this week and see if it changes my level of energy . Even if I 'm in the mood for dullness and peace and quiet . God , sometimes I live like a nun who has taken a vow of silence . Nothing but empty noise reigns . I watered all the plants with the watering can in effort not to drown them and they seem quite perky , so maybe that was the right thing to do . I 'll try to not give them too much TLC , although it 's hard not to do that . I always think abundance is good . Abondanza ! I pick a playlist that I 've made at Deezer and Deezer oPosted by I 'm almost too tired to write this post , but I 'm going to give it a try anyway . This morning I weighed 95 . 2 kilos and here 's what I 've eaten today : five shortbread cookies , three pieces of nougat , one can of mackerel in tomato sauce and this afternoon I had two cappuccinos and one Wieckse Witte . That doesn 't sound very nutritious , does it ? Oh , and tonight I had a slice of muesli bread with lunch meat and one slice of raisin bread . All around me on the café terrace this afternoon , people were consuming large platters of delicious food and I wondered where they put it all . It was almost disgusting to see them eat it . Actually , to me it was unbelievable . Von and I sat there sniffing up all the delicious smells and thought there ought to be a law against it . They ought to separate the eating crowd from the non eating crowd . Here we are sitting at our table looking quite disgusted . This morning , at creative therapy , two of my sculptures were ready to be painted . Another one had for some reason shattered into about fifteen unglueable pieces , but I was not too upset about it , because it was just a minor sculpture that I had put together quickly one morning . I did care about the two that survived and I now have six sculptures finished . Painting them was a lot of fun , first the black and then the bronzing effect , which is always a surprise as to how it will turn out . The bronze paint needs to be mized just so and I don 't do that . The assistant does that and she know just how to get the color right . I brought them home in my bicycle bags , trying to not hit any bumps in the road . I had visions of them breaking on the way home . That would have been a very sad thing indeed . Or , God forbid , I could have been hit by a car . That would have been disastrous . Not for me , but for the sculptures . I 've put the second one on the coffee table and the first one on my bookcase in my bedroom . Speaking of bedrooms . . . all I have to do is go lie down in my bed with the bedside lamp on and lie down and look around and a great sense of calm comes overPosted by Hi there , how are you ? How is it going ? How is the weather treating you ? We had a terrific thunderstorm a while ago . There was thunder and lightening and rain and hail and it poured out of the heavens like buckets of water and stones and I pitied everybody who was caught in it , but , of course , it didn 't last very long . It was short but very hefty . I thought the windows were going to break , that 's how hard the hail hit . There are big puddles on the field now , where the ground wasn 't leveled properly , and they will stay there for a while and there are always some ducks that come and sit in them and people give them old bread . It makes for a nice bit of nature , right in the middle of town . They aren 't afraid of all the dogs that get walked there , so they must be real city ducks . We 've even had little ducklings in the area that 's like a wet meadow when it rains a lot . Right now there are some crows having a territorial argument . Each one tries to chase the other one away and so they go back and forth . They make quite a racket . I 've been up since 7 am and I haven 't had a nap yet , how in the world is that possible ? You 'd think I would be tired after all that work yesterday , but because it was not emotionally loaded , I am not worn out . It seems that plain physical labor gets taken care of with a good night 's sleep . The " domestic person " was here this morning and I asked her if she wasn 't meant to help me out at all with any of the jobs and she told me no , that was not her job . Her job is to get me back on the rails as independently as possible over a period of three months . I told her about my week and my problem with combining all the elements and my fatigue and we looked at the schedule again and changed it and left off some of the jobs for now and we will add those back in as I get more proficient , or if my therapy schedule changes at all . That 's another thing I am going to do , is talk to the head therapist tomorrow and see if we can change anything in my schedule there . I would like to drop the dance therapy and have WednPosted by After I wrote my short post this morning , I went back to bed and slept until 7 am when the alarm clock woke me . I got up and called the number to announce myself as not coming in for therapy today and went back to sleep until I woke up very refreshed at 10 : 30 am . As usual , and you know this by now , I took an hour to wake up on the sofa with several cups of coffee and my cigarettes and Jesker to pet and rub his belly . Then I got dressed and took him for a walk , which was nice , because it was overcast and not too warm and I like that kind of weather . When I got home , I tackled my administration and took care of bills and filed every bit of paperwork there was in the proper place . Then I made some crucial phone calls that I had been putting off and arranged for someone to come and fix the shed door , which would not close properly and in which the key had broken in the lock . After that , and with many breaks in between , I cleaned house and I did all the things I should have done the week before , but for which I had constantly been too exhausted , It took me all afternoon , but I got a lot of things done . I did not vacuum and I did not mop the floors and I did not wash the windows , but if I have the same amount of energy that I have today , tomorrow , I will do those things then . It has come to this point , that I have to take a day off therapy in order to get my housework done . I knew that if I went to therapy today , it would exhaust me so , that I would not be worth anything tomorrow and that I would be faced with the same problem I was faced with last week . Namely , not enough energy to do the chores that had to be done that day . I am finding out that going to therapy four days a week and keeping my appointments and doing the housework and the grocery shopping is really too much work for me and emotionally and physically I am not able to pull it all off . I need more rest and sleep . That 's why I crash on the weekends and I sleep so much . Today I had a good day , because I was not exhausted from the intensity of the ergo and dancPosted by |
Tag Archives : mother 9May2017 A Prologue in Darkness Posted in Fiction by Jesse Colton So let me explain what this is . I 've wanted for a long time to try and condense my thoughts about Christianity into one place , and I doubt it 's something that I could ever encapsulate within one project . But I 've thought of an idea for a book , in which I go through the major points of the Bible and talk about my perspective on those stories and characters , and how they 've influenced the world today , and basically just try and deconstruct Christianity , to understand something that has caused me so much heartache and which I feel is such a powerfully harmful force in the world . Truthfully , I 've always found most of Christianity 's central mythos incredibly uninspiring , at least when told from the point of view of God as the protagonist . There 's not a lot of magic and adventure , and it 's mostly concerned with farming and deserts . As for the players of the story , Satan is by far a more interesting character who seems to have a much more moral stance , and God consistently behaves in ways that are irrational and inexplicably cruel . Earlier today I wrote down a conceptual outline for the chapters of the book , with each chapter being focused around a certain character or character . For instance , chapter one would be called Adam and Eve , chapter two would be Satan , chapter three would be Cain and Abel , etc . And I could go chronologically through the Christian Bible and touch on the things that interest me and that I want to talk about . The final chapter would be focused on the central character of the Bible , God himself , and would cover the book of Revelation . The beginning is not the beginning . The beginning of all things is a mystery , perhaps forever unsolvable . We don 't even know that there was a beginning . But this story begins with a creature , a being who is alone , floating in the vast darkness of the cosmos , floating in nothingness . We don 't know what he looks like . We only call him " he " because it 's the way he will later refer to himself . Perhaps he is vaguely humanoid , with two arms and two legs , hands and feet , and a head fitted with eyes , ears , a nose and mouth . Perhaps he is curled , fetus - like , sleeping in the vast emptiness , dreaming in the dark womb of nothingness , waiting to be born into the cosmos . Perhaps he is a tiny speck , perhaps he is large and monstrous , and perhaps , like all of existence , he is void and without form . Where did he come from ? Does even he know ? Is he the only being in existence , or is he a being left over from some previous existence ? Was there an ending before all of this ? Was there a cataclysm that destroyed the entire cosmos and reduced it to nothingness , leaving only this sleeping catalyst ? Was the past universe like a plant that upon it 's death , drops seeds of new life , and this sleeping creature is that seed ? What is the nature of this being ? Does he have emotions , thoughts , desires ? Does he feel pain or love , is he lonely ? Is there anyone to equal him , a companion to share his existence with , another being like him ? Could he even create another like himself if he wanted ? Were there others like him once , and now only he is left ? Perhaps he unfurls his body , such as it is , and stretches his muscles and joints , such as they are . Perhaps he looks around and sees the nothingness . Perhaps he feels afraid . Did he have a mother or father ? Did he have a family ? Does he remember the answer to this question ? Perhaps he looks behind himself , at that expanse of darkness that is the same as every other expanse of darkness . Does he see the past ? Or is it as much a mystery to him as it is to all who come after ? Those answers will never come . The mysterious being closes his eyes and gathers his thoughts and emotions . He gathers everything he has , and prepares for one magnificent display , he prepares to create everything . He holds out his hands , and he opens his eyes and his mouth , and creation begins . ( The following is a VERY detailed account of my relationship with my ex - boyfriend . I started this post attempting to talk about how I ended up living here in Delaware , and explaining what happened up to this point . I decided that the best place to start was with my breakup a couple of years ago , but that accidentally turned into a flashback and , well , I basically went through the entire thing . If you 'd like to read a very personal account of my experience trying to make a monogamous relationship work while dealing with anxiety , panic attacks , obsessive compulsive disorder , and a discussion of emotional and physical abuse in relationships , plus some explorations of family and death , feel free to read . I wrote this to help myself , to reflect on the past , and to help myself move forward toward the future . If you want to know more , you 're welcome to read . ) We met under weird circumstances : I had moved to Georgia with my family , and he was going to college an hour away from where I lived . We met online and I went to see him in the middle of the night , where we made out and had sex until the sun rose , at which point we sleepily headed over to his college 's music building where I got to play several pianos and a harpsichord . I spent a couple of days with him and started to feel immediately overwhelmed . I have this problem with getting into relationships . Most people have a " honeymoon " phase at the beginning of their relationships , and I 've experienced that , but the beginning of a relationship is always an incredibly stressful time . I experience something akin to deep grief , or loss . Connecting with a new person makes me feel incredibly vulnerable , but it also makes me feel that the foundation of my life has been pulled out from under me , and I 'm caught in a rushing torrent with no one to hold on to but this new person , who I 'm enamored with but who I have no trust built up with . I always experience panic attacks , intense anxiety , dread , fear , and often get emotional and start crying a lot . This is a problem that I didn 't really start to notice until after the relationship started . It 's a pattern that 's followed me through almost every romantic relationship I 've ever had . The beginning of a relationship is fraught with panic and anxiety equal to or greater than the excitement and joy of being with a new person . This time was no different . By the way , about this person 's name . He is my ex - boyfriend , and we 're still friends today , but truthfully the details of our relationship would be painful for either of us to reflect on in their entirety . For the purposes of not dragging him through the mud ( I want to tell the truth but the truth doesn 't reflect well on either of us ) , I 'm going to give him the pseudonym Guy . Because he 's a guy . I 've said his name before , but for the purposes of this story , his name is Guy . Guy and I spent the weekend playing video games ( I was immediately attracted to the fact that he loved Sonic the Hedgehog and had a collection of just about every game ) , did a lot of fooling around and kissing , watching movies , and of course , more sex . Because that 's what you do in the beginning . But I kept feeling overwhelmed by this unbearable dread . A few things started happening all at once : First , my OCD kicked into high gear . And I mean ACTUAL Obsessive Compulsive Disorder , the kind you can be diagnosed with ( and I was , as a child ) , the kind where you have to blink your eyes an odd interval of times or else you 'll be overcome by panic . Whenever I get into a new relationship , I suddenly have this urge to be COMPLETELY honest with the new person I 'm dating . And I mean entirely . Brutally , painfully honest . Like , it 's hurtful , for both of us . If I feel that I 'm not entirely physically attracted to the new guy , I 'll feel the need to tell him , or else I 'll feel that I 'm hiding it from him . Consequently , I start blurting out a lot of confused feelings all at once . " I 'm not sure I 'm entirely attracted to you , I mean I am , but like , just not sure how much . But it doesn 't change anything . I just wanted to be honest . But I don 't want to hurt your feelings . Oh god now I 've hurt your feelings . I 'm sorry I shouldn 't have said anything . It 's just that I 'm not sure how attracted to you I am , I mean I am in some ways but not in others , but it doesn 't mean , well , what I 'm saying is … " You can see how embarrassing and uncomfortable this is for both of us . Well , it was like that EVERY day , multiple times a day . And frankly , if I were him I 'd have dumped me right there because that much emotional need is too much for anyone to handle . I am not going into this story under any illusions that I was a blameless angel . But the thing is , it wasn 't like I was TRYING to be hurtful toward him . It 's just that my fun array of mental disorders all started coming out all at once , and I was unable to keep any of them in check , so I was word - vomiting my every feeling , no matter how good or bad , and I was caught in a continual state of confusion . And that 's the second thing : the confusion . Getting into a new relationship is an incredibly upsetting experience for me , because I have problems with commitment . And I don 't mean like in television when you hear a woman say that a guy " has commitment issues , " and just wants to be single , I mean that I literally cannot exist happily in a monogamous relationship . Again , this is something I did not know about myself at the time , and I had to learn the hard way . The absolute pressure of agreeing to be someone 's boyfriend is unbearable for me , the seriousness and weight of the decision is equivalent to agreeing to marry someone . Imagine agreeing to marry someone a day after you first met them . Think of how pressured and afraid and in way over your head you would feel . Alright , now multiply that by a few degrees , and you 'll have an idea of how I was feeling . I knew he wanted to be my boyfriend . I knew I was considering being his boyfriend . But the confusion kept bouncing around inside my head , each question tinged with red hot panic welling up inside my chest and burning my neck : " Am I ready to be his boyfriend ? If we 're boyfriends that means I can 't see anyone else . What if I don 't love him ? It 's too early to know if I love him , but what if I don 't FALL in love with him ? How will I get out of this ? I 'll have to break his heart . I don 't want to break his heart . I should just do it and see what happens . But I 'm not ready to do it and see what happens . But am I leading him on ? What happens if I say no ? Will I regret it ? Should I just run away and cut off all contact ? Let 's just try and enjoy this moment . But I can 't , the more I enjoy it the more pressure I feel . I wish I 'd never come here , this is too much pressure . Why can 't I just be happy ? " All he wanted to do was give me a chance and try dating me . And for me , that was the equivalent of him asking me to marry him and move to another country tomorrow . It isn 't his fault that it happened , and that he had to deal with what frankly was probably emotional abuse from me , because of my anxiety . And it isn 't my fault either , I tried everything that I could to stop the raging tumult of emotions , but they just wouldn 't stop , and the only thing that helped was to talk about it out loud . I 'm going to digress from the story about Guy for a moment to explain why I was acting this way . A big part of why this was happening was that I 'd recently had a succession of very quick , failed relationships . I met a guy who seemed pretty cool , then immediately lost interest when I saw what he looked like . I felt terrible about myself for this : how could I be so shallow ? He was a nice person , we had a lot in common , and I was gonna bail on him because I didn 't think he was very good - looking ? I decided I was being ridiculous and went out on a date with him anyway , which ended in us more or less having sex . Afterward I felt even WORSE . Now I had an emotional attachment to him but I STILL didn 't think he was attractive and it was a HUGE problem for me . What did I do now ? I went back and forth , from hour to hour , from minute to minute . The intense emotional anxiety of that time is , to this day , the worst stress I 've ever experienced in my life . It last about three weeks , and for those three weeks I could not sleep , I woke up feeling like I was going to vomit , I was assailed at all times by relentless panic . Ultimately I ended this brief almost - relationship and collapsed into a mess of emotions right in front of him , putting this poor guy in the awkward situation of comforting ME for breaking up with HIM , for the express reason that I just found him too unattractive . What a horrible thing I did to this guy . And I 'm not here to make excuses for it , I probably scarred that guy in a way that can 't ever really be healed , but I didn 't mean to do it , it was a product of my anxiety , and my deep inability to connect with or trust other people . After that incident there was another guy , who by the way was a good deal more attractive , and believe me I felt like a pig for even bothering to make a judgement on it , but even though we seemed to get along well I just couldn 't bring myself to agree to be his boyfriend , despite spending a lot of time together and having sex and generally doing things that couples do in the early stages . Finally I just couldn 't do it and had to call it off with him , and I found myself getting dressed for work while crying hysterically , and going in to work holding back tears all day . It was unbearable . And I just thought , " Is this what every relationship is going to be like for the rest of my life ? Do I demand perfection from everyone ? Am I even CAPABLE of feeling love ? " At first , I just told him flat out we couldn 't be boyfriends , I just couldn 't do it . He was very understanding . He did something very sweet . He said , " How about for this weekend , and just for this weekend , we be boyfriends ? Just for two days . And there 's no pressure , and we can just have fun and enjoy ourselves , and when you leave you don 't ever have to talk to me again if you don 't want to . " I did it . We spent the weekend together . We went out to dinner . I cried a lot . I cried because I was so sorry for doing this to him . He held me . He told me it was okay . He kissed me and promised me I didn 't have to worry . He said all he cared about was that I was happy . When it was time to leave , I told him I just wasn 't going to call him again . In order for me to get back to normal I had to completely cut off contact from him . He said he understood . I made it home , relieved . Now that I was relieved from the pressure I had a chance to reflect , and I kept thinking to myself " Look at all that this guy did for me . He could have been a great potential boyfriend . Hell , with patience like , he might be husband material some day . And I 'm just going to throw him away ? " I found myself sitting in my truck , and I knew I 'd made a terrible mistake . I cried . I cried a lot . Finally I called him and told him I was sorry , that I didn 't want to cut him out . He understandably didn 't know where this put us as far as the friend / boyfriend barrier was concerned , but he assured me all he wanted was for me to be happy , even if that meant it wasn 't with him . I kept apologizing to him for how fucked up I was , how I was so unable to love or care about someone without all this emotional weight pressing down on me . He told me he didn 't mind . I kept saying I was sorry for being crazy . He would smile and say he liked me just how I was , even if I was crazy . Things went back and forth some more . I would hint at being his boyfriend , then take it back . I went to visit him again , but there was no conclusion reached about where we stood . Although that didn 't stop us from having sex . After a couple of weeks we were meeting for what was probably the third time and he finally just put it to me straight : I want you to be my boyfriend . I didn 't know what to do . I told him about my doubts and my confusion , my inability to overcome the intense anxiety attached to being in a relationship . He told me he didn 't care , and that he just wanted me to give him a chance . He said that if it didn 't work out , it didn 't work out , but I owed it to myself to at least try . If either of us had been older and more mature we may have realized some things . Firstly , he might have realized that I was an emotionally dependent basket case , and that no matter how much he tried he was never going to fix me . I don 't think he WANTED to fix me , but my behavior toward him was emotional abuse , I was playing with his feelings even if I didn 't mean to . I was battling my own demons , but he was caught in the crossfire . However , I don 't think his desire to be with me anyway came from being young and naive , I think it came from the fact that he 's just a caring person who wanted to love me despite my flaws . He didn 't care that I was impossible to please , he just wanted to give it a chance with me . Now , if I had been older and more mature I would have realized that giving the relationship a try might have been possible without the anxiety if only we agreed that it wasn 't monogamous , because I simply cannot cope with that relationship structure , or handle the rigorous pressure I feel when in a monogamous relationship . I might also have been better at containing my emotions and not word - vomiting all my feelings , both positive and negative , all over him . I might also have been wise enough to realize that I just WASN ' T READY for a serious relationship . He made the bold choice of telling me he loved me , right after I agreed to be his boyfriend . Tentatively , I said it back . The words had a hollow ring of dishonesty to them that didn 't sit well with me , because I didn 't think I was capable of loving him yet . But I certainly felt something , and it was strong . The next couple of months were intense . We were with another almost every day . Which is difficult to do when you live hours apart from another . Here 's how we did it : I would go to his school when I had days off from work , and when school was finished he ended up going home to his family . Because he had no obligations over the summer , I 'd bring him back to my house with me , and he would stay in my room , which was a camper in my mother 's back yard . He 'd sleep during the day when I was at work , and when I had a day off , I 'd take him the two hours to his parents house and stay with him there until it was time to go back to work , at which point he 'd come back home with me . This continued for about two months , and though there were a few times when we were apart , we ended up spending most of our time together . Finally my mother decided she was moving back to North Carolina . I had no intention of going back with her , both because living with her was miserable and because I didn 't want to leave Guy . Guy suggested that I ask his parents if I could stay with them over the summer and look for a job in his hometown , and in the meantime he would quit school and look for a job too , so we could find a place together . Here 's the funny thing : his parents MUST have known we were boyfriends . They knew he was gay , anyone can tell that I 'm gay after just talking to me for a few minutes ( one of my best friends once made the hilarious observation that " even blind and deaf people know you 're gay " ) , and we were obviously spending every waking moment together . In addition to that , I 'd be staying in his room and sleeping in his bed with him . They HAVE to have known we were dating . But they just never said anything about it . Neither did we . There was a reason for this . Guy had told me that his parents had been a little uncomfortable when he let them know he was gay ; apparently his father had accepted it pretty easily but his mother didn 't like it , and felt very uncomfortable about it . Because of this , Guy didn 't know if his parents would have a problem with a guy who he was clearly dating moving into their house , but they didn 't seem to mind . And it was never mentioned . It was quietly acknowledged without words . Guy and I spent every moment together , we just made an effort not to hold hands or do anything too affectionate in front of his parents . Guy 's sister knew we were together , and once told me " I don 't mind if someone 's gay but I don 't want to see ' em kissing on each other and stuff . " You might thing that sounds homophobic , and well , you 'd be entirely right . But this was in Georgia , and his family were from a small town in the mountains , so that 's about the closest you 're going to get to gay acceptance . She really meant no harm . People who are ignorant about their own homophobia don 't realize when they 're being homophobic , and don 't know how much their words can hurt . I did take pleasure in getting her back though : a little later on we were at her house and she had Guy in the kitchen , trimming his hair with an electric razor , and she tried to make a joke by asking him " Are your pubes all bright blonde like your head or are they dark ? " I called out from the other room , " They 're dark ! " To which he burst into laughter and she let loose a disgusted sigh . Take that . Living with Guy 's parents was , to put it mildly , an experience . Both of them were getting older , and both of them had very serious health concerns . Guy 's dad had had a stroke , and was nearly immobile , confined to his recliner most of the day , using an oxygen machine to help him breathe at night . He was a great guy , though . He loved science fiction and had a big collection of Star Wars novels , and spent a considerable amount of time watching every series of Star Trek on Netflix . Guy 's mother , who I was at first afraid of because of the fact that she hadn 't taken Guy 's coming out well , was incredibly kind to me . I once took the initiative of giving her a foot rub when her feet were hurting , and it quickly became my occupation , so she would every now and then call out to me from the other room to come and rub her feet . His parents shared everything with me , I was allowed to have any food in the house that Guy could have , and even though the sodas hidden in the kitchen cabinet were theirs , they shared them with me often , or didn 't chastise me when I snuck in at night and grabbed some . One night I was washing the dishes and Guy 's mother came up to me and hugged me , and thanked me for doing the dishes and for being so helpful . I was a little surprised , and told her I was happy to help . She looked at me and smiled , and she said , " You know , you 're my son too . " I was their son , too . And they didn 't just say it , they treated me exactly the same as Guy . I was given the same amount of privilege and responsibility . And not ONCE did they ask me for rent . And they had every reason to , not the least of which being that I lived there for nearly six months and never paid a dime . Why didn 't I pay anything ? Well , the short answer is that Guy and I couldn 't find jobs . The more honest answer is that we didn 't really want to . We slept every day until late in the afternoon , and put in job applications online only sparingly . We went job hunting every now and then but truthfully we didn 't put much effort into it , and a consequence we remained unemployed . My mother would send me twenty dollars or so every now and then and we would use the money to go Taco Bell late at night . Taco Bell was great because we were poor . Guy 's parents got disability checks once a month , but most of it had to be used to pay bills on the house , which was actually a small trailer that was falling apart at the seems . The electricity cut out if too many things were plugged in at once , there were mountains of garbage behind the house , stinking and covered with maggots , because Guy 's parents simply couldn 't hall it all off to the dump and there was no one to do it for them . So Guy and I began to slowly , over the course of several months , chip away at the piles of garbage by loading them into my truck bed and taking them to the dump . It wasn 't just bags of garbage but old furniture , big bulky stuff that was difficult to get rid of . The grass was entirely overgrown because it hadn 't been moved in a very long time . We helped out with that , borrowing a lawn mower from Guy 's brother and trying to get the grass cut down to size . There were several cats in the house . One of them was very old , one of them was just fine although he was incredibly fat , and one of them was sick . The sick one died . Guy 's parents noticed it had crawled behind one of the living room recliners and just died there . They asked us to clean it up . I didn 't want to touch anything dead , but there was no one else to do the job apart from Guy and myself , so I started digging the hole . I lost my cool in the yard . His parents were very difficult to live with , asking us to do all the cleaning , to take care of everything that had to be done , often making Guy cook us dinner with what small amount of food we had , and when they did get their disability checks they refused to buy groceries , instead sending us out to pick up pizza for a week at a time until they were completely broke and we had to borrow money for bread and peanut butter until the next month . Looking back on it , I can see that I was being ungrateful , because despite the fact that we were poor and had very little food , they still hadn 't asked me for a penny , not even SUGGESTED it . And I actually HAD found a job , at Sears , and quit on the second day because I hated it . And they had said it was alright , and hadn 't asked me for any money at all . In retrospect I wasn 't really mad at Guy 's parents , although their stubbornness at NEVER grocery shopping and wasting all of their money on fast food and cigarettes had a negative impact on all of us . But really , I was mad at the situation . I didn 't have any anxiety medication ( I 'd started a year before but had to quit when I lost my insurance ) , I was having panic attacks , Guy and I were beginning to fight a lot . We would sometimes get into screaming matches , and we lived in VERY close quarters . Our entire living space was his bedroom , most of which was taken up by his bed . There was nowhere to walk to and no gas to drive anywhere , so we were stuck with one another at all times . Most of the time that was alright . Other times it was incredibly difficult . Both of us were losing weight from how little we had to eat , and I became very aware of the fact that I was in a hopeless situation . It was doubtful that I would find a job close enough to justify the gas money needed to drive there , much less hold down a job because of my anxiety . Guy and I had a lot in common , but something felt off about our relationship . Still , something ALWAYS felt off when I was in any relationship so I just started to accept that that was an inevitable feeling for me . One thing I do miss is having sex with him . Even now , I still miss it . As we grew closer , I started to find him really attractive , as opposed to in the beginning when I kept honing in on any imperfection about him . I started to really love his body , his lips , the way he kissed , how warm he was at night when it was cold . I really loved being close to him , I loved trying things out with him ( in the beginning of our relationship he 'd been the bottom and I 'd been the top , he became convinced that he was a top now but we could never really make that work ) . I watched a lot of porn and don 't get me wrong , I was still craving sex with someone new , like I always do when I 'm in an agreement to only have sex with one person , but I began to feel really attracted to him , and the more that happened , the less I worried . Knowing that I found him sexy meant that one of the fundamental reasons a past relationship had failed and this relationship had started rocky was now overcome . I made a point of telling him often how beautiful I thought he was , in an effort to make up for how I 'd hurt him in the beginning by telling him that I thought he was unattractive . That 's something that still bothers me to this day . I know that the reason I did was because I was having an anxiety attack and my OCD made me blurt out every thought , but I see now how much I must have hurt him , made him feel unattractive , and inflicted an emotional wound on him . If you 're reading this , Guy , I 'm sorry . I really am . I didn 't know what I was doing . Eventually , something had to change . My mother was asking me to come live with her in South Carolina , but I refused to come unless Guy could come with me . For religiously bigoted reasons , she didn 't want a gay couple in her house . She thought that not only was it " inappropriate " and " sinful " for us to live together , much less sleep in the same room , but that it would have a negative impact on my little sister , who was about eight at the time . Basically what she was implying was that having us around might turn my little sister gay , or at the very least , instill in her the distasteful idea that gay people were allowed to be together , live together , and that gay love was alright . You can perhaps see why I had no desire of ever returning to my mother 's house . No really , the hunger was driving me crazy . I would get incredibly angry very easily , because I just didn 't have food . For weeks at a time , the only food we had would be bread and peanut butter , and when that ran out , cans of green beans or some frozen chicken that had to be thawed , cooked without any seasoning , and eaten as it was . Sometimes there was ramen . I hate ramen , by the way . I was just so freaking hungry , and whenever I had two dollars to rub together I 'd go immediately to Taco Bell , but then of course there 's the fact that Guy and I were together at all times , so if one of us was eating , so was the other . This was fine except it meant that in addition to being so poor we hardly had any money to eat , we had to have double the money needed just to go through a drive through and get something . And we couldn 't get something like pizza , because that was too difficult to hide from his parents , who would have undoubtedly asked for food as well if they knew we were going to get it , which is why we usually went to Taco Bell at three in the morning and hid the bags in our trash can . I was too hasty in my desire to leave . I wanted to go home , I wanted to be near places I recognized , I wanted to have my own family to rely on the way Guy had his , and I wanted to have a chance to get a job and start really working on getting a place with Guy . His parents were sad , but truthfully they were being evicted and had to move out anyway , and they were going to be moving in with Guy 's sister , who had no room for us . We had to leave , one way or another . On the last day , after we 'd packed up the truck , Guy 's mom hugged us both , and told Guy that he could come back any time he needed to . Tentatively I asked , " What about me ? If things don 't work out , can I come back , too ? " She seemed genuinely shocked that I would ask . " Of course ! " she said . I 'm going to skip ahead a little to tell you that Guy 's mom died a year later . We were living with a roommate by then , and had driven down to Georgia to see her in the hospital . When she 'd woken up briefly to talk to everyone , she asked , " Where are [ Guy ] and Jesse ? " She asked for her son , and asked for me too , even though she 'd only known me for a year or so , but she considered Guy and I a unit . She knew where one of us was , the other was nearby . She had never actually acknowledged , at least in front of us , that we were a couple , but for all I know she may have just felt awkward about it , and thought we didn 't want to talk about it in front of them as much as they didn 't want to talk about it in front of us . But this woman was on her deathbed , and she thought to ask where I , of all people , was . Guy was there , I wasn 't at the hospital at that time , so the second time she woke up , I was there in the room , and she smiled at me and did something that I still find really incredible . Y ' all is of course the southern way of saying " the two of you , " but it was really important that she addressed us together . She was dying , she had to know she was dying , and this was literally the last time she ever spoke to her children . And she didn 't tell Guy , " I love you , " she told Guy and his boyfriend , " I love y ' all . " " You 've been better to me in a short time than my own mother ever has . You 've treated me with love , no matter what , and taken care of me when you didn 't have to . You gave me a home when I needed one , and you told me I was your son , too . Well , you 're my mother , too . In a year you 've shown me more love and kindness than my own mother ever has . " We had already made the journey back home when Guy got the call that she 'd passed away . We went back to Georgia for her funeral . I was mostly silent , I didn 't know what to say . I did walk out of her funeral service , though , because the preacher was some insane fire - and - brimstone preacher who took this opportunity of a woman 's DEATH to start preaching about Jesus and telling everyone in the room that they 'd go to hell if they didn 't believe . He was turning purple and stomping his feet so hard that her coffin ACTUALLY started to shake . I could take it no more and went outside . His family wasn 't mad at me , Guy 's sister laughed and said that I just wasn 't used to " that kind of preaching . " Sadly , I HAD seen that kind of preaching before , and it sickened me , but it sickened me even more so that this awful man used a woman 's death to take advantage of her grieving family to push his idea of salvation on them . But that 's another topic for another day . Guy gathered some things from his childhood possessions . One of them was an assignment he 'd done in Kindergarten , where the students had to fill in the blanks talking about their mother . " My mother is as pretty as ______,” " I love my mom like I love _____,” " My mom 's favorite food is _____ . " For the record , is answer to the first one was " My mother is as pretty as a bird , " which is about the most fucking adorable thing I 've ever heard . He put it into her casket and she was buried with it . When we got home , there was a photograph of Guy 's mom , it was not an incredibly flattering picture , just her standing in the kitchen with her mouth open , looking surprised to have had her picture taken . But he framed it and put it on the wall . I still have it . It 's sitting on my desk . It travels around my room to different perches . It 's not that I had an incredibly emotional attachment to Guy 's mother , it 's not that her death caused me profound sadness . And I don 't say that to be insensitive , it 's just that I am terrified of death so I purposely maintain an emotional wall between myself and everyone save a few select people . Guy is one of the people whose death would devastate me , and whose death I continue to fear . Maybe one day I 'll overcome my fear of death , but regardless , I felt a little odd keeping Guy 's moms picture . I didn 't know if he 'd left it behind when we broke up on purpose , or just forgotten it amidst all the other stuff in our room . But I kept it , and though it sometimes hides in a dresser drawer ( for some reason I would feel weird keeping it on the wall ) , it 's always in my possession . Guy 's mother treated me not only better than she could have , but probably better than I had a right to be treated . She deserved rent from me , she deserved more from me than I probably gave , but I was afraid and hungry and anxious , and I did what I could , and so did she . She never judged me , she never turned me away , and treated me as her son until the day she died . Her acts of kindness are important . They showed me that the kind of parenting my mother gave me was not love , it was dysfunctional emotional abuse . Guy 's mom loved me unconditionally and she had no reason to at all , apart from the fact that she just wanted to . She made me a part of her family . I was her son , too . Guy and I lived with my mother for a few months , it was predictably pretty awful . Our emotions got really turbulent and ultimately it led to a physical altercation between us . There was a day when I was pissed off about something , storming around in a huff , and I grabbed my keys because I was going to go for a drive to calm down . Guy didn 't want me driving while I was upset , he would be too worried that I was going to get into a wreck . His intention was good , but he made the unfortunate choice of snatching my keys out of my hand , which led to me trying to grab them back , which led to us scuffling toward the living room recliner , where she shoved me down and held my arms down . His intention was to hold me still so I would listen to him , but as you can imagine it didn 't work , and my immediate reaction was to go on the defense . He shoved me down into the chair and my reaction was that I shot out my hand and slapped him across the face . He responded by throwing a hand back out and hitting me on the head , then started screaming at the top of his lungs . I had thrown the first punch , let it be known . This was not an abuser - victim one - sided altercation . We had both hurt one another . But I was the one who broke first . I started crying , and then I started screaming . Really , really screaming . Guy picked me up and carried me into our room , where I collapsed onto the floor in a sobbing heap , still screaming . I didn 't speak , I just cried , and screamed , very loudly . No one else was home . He sat next to me . " I 'm so sorry , I 'm so sorry , " he said over and over again , he chided himself and said how terrible of a boyfriend he was , he said he was sorry over and over again , he held me as I screamed . After about half an hour of relentless crying I started to breathe . I opened my mouth to speak and I could not form words . To this day I don 't know if I was being dramatic , or if I actually went temporarily mute . I would make a gurgling nose and then close my mouth . I couldn 't speak . When I could talk , I said that I didn 't know what this meant , or what to do from hear . I called my friend Thomas , I told him that this clearly was a sign that we weren 't working and it needed to end . But I decided to sit down and talk to Guy . I told him that what happened was indicative of a larger problem , and it showed that we just weren 't going to work together , no matter how hard we tried . He believed we could move on past it , and promised he 'd never put his hands on me again . I was making him out to be the bad guy , I admit , I wouldn 't really acknowledge my part in the physical fight . I made it sound like he had hit me , when in truth we 'd hit one another . But being the victim was the only thing that made sense to me at the moment , it was the only way I knew how to cope with what was happening . Things were never really the same . For weeks , I would remember the incident when I was at work and fight back tears . I was so angry at myself . How could I have hit him ? How could I have possibly hurt him ? I hated myself for what happened . I hated myself for hurting Guy . Things got worse . We did find a place to live , away from my mother , living with a roommate . We were both working and bringing in enough money to live on . We had video games and we could go places for fun , and we had a little life together . But the arguments got worse . We were growing apart . He didn 't want to have sex nearly as much as I did , he told me he just wasn 't a very sexual person , and it was hard for him to deal with me not only wanting to have sex so much but wanting to touch him so much , to hold him and kiss him and be romantic with him . It was hard for him , he felt a little smothered , and weirdly so did I . But I felt smothered by RESPONSIBILITY , not by his actions . It was so hard to be with him when I wanted so badly to pursue other relationships with available gay guys I had met . I didn 't want to dump Guy , but I just wanted to at least have sex with someone new . It was a natural urge that I had no way of fighting , and truthfully I didn 't want to fight it anymore . I started spending a lot of time watching porn , which by the way I believe is a completely healthy way of exercising your sexual desires . There were more physical fights . Almost every time , he and I would get mad , and I would try and goad him into hitting me , so that I could play the victim . I 'd get in his face and say " Hit me then , like a big man . Push me around , hit me . " Sometimes he 'd shove me . At the time I thought I was standing up for myself . In truth I was trying to start a fight so I 'd have an excuse to say he hit me . We got into a physical fight when he was on the way to work one morning , with me riding in the passenger seat . I finally got fed up with him when he was screaming at me and slapped him in the head , to which he responded by punching me straight in my chest . I sat quietly , gasping and holding my chest . He pulled into a parking spot and got out , and walked inside . I sat there , holding my chest . He 'd punched me . How could he do that to me ? It didn 't seem to matter to me at that moment that I 'd hit him first . I went home , told the story to my friends online , made myself the victim , and decided that either way it was time to end it . I don 't remember if I tried to break up with him right then , but there was another incident when he stormed outside , got in my truck , and backed out of the driveway , spinning dirt everywhere , and screaming out the window at me , cussing and calling me names . I turned around walked inside , and said " This is just too white trash for me , this is not an episode of Jerry Springer . I 'm done . " He brought me flowers when he came home . I told him it was over . He apologized . He begged . He cried . He got on his knees . I went into the kitchen and grabbed a knife , acting like I was going to cut myself . He cried , I started to cry a little out of sheer frustration , he begged me to stay with him , I gave in . I just wanted all the pain to stop . A few days later we were at my mom 's house . He asked me to come outside with him and we stood in the little greenhouse where my mom kept her plants . He got on one knee and asked me to marry him . It was not a nice thing to do . But admittedly , it was a bad move on his part . Our relationship was falling apart and the only thing he could think to do was ask me to marry him , like that would fix it . I see now how hurtful it must have been to be rejected by me , but it was a very strange move by him . Still , I see why he did it . He was desperate . He wanted to fix something that couldn 't be fixed . I started talking to an old friend , and we swapped some dirty pictures back and forth . Guy and I had decided a while back that this was okay and did not constitute cheating . There had been once incident in which a friend and I had jerked off together on webcam and when I told Guy he said I 'd cheated on him . I felt terrible , but I was more than a little annoyed to learn later , after we 'd broken up , that he had ALSO jerked off on webcam with someone , and it had been THE SAME GUY . I was mad at both of them for not telling me , and at Guy for making me feel so bad when he 'd already done the same thing before I did it . So this old friend and I had been flirting online , and we 'll call him James for the sake of the story . James and I met up and he actually took me on what amounted to a date , driving me through the mountains , and we actually did walk up a mountain together and take pictures on a bridge high up in the air , and at one point during the ride I actually pulled my dick and let him touch it . When I got home I told Guy what had happened . He was mad . Looking back on it , we were both in denial . Our relationship ended right there , and we just went back to doing what we were doing . We kept on hanging out in the living room , chatting like nothing had happened . We had agreed on something between polyamory and an all - out breakup right then and there , and we just sauntered on like nothing happened . The denial didn 't last for very long . Having now gotten permission and my freedom , I slept with James pretty quickly . But Guy and I realized that this just wasn 't happening . And if we were going to break up , we had to really break up . And so we did . He made plans with his sister for her to come and pick him up , and take him back to Georgia with her . I stayed at my mom 's house for a couple of days , not wanting to be with him , because it would just be too hard . Eventually I did go home . I crawled in bed with him . Late in the middle of the night I felt something wet on the back of my neck . His arms were around me . He was crying into my hair , and he was also singing . A few days later it was time for him to leave . We kissed a lot . We held each other . We waited for his sister to show up . She arrived and I helped load his stuff into the car . She waited outside . We stood in the hallway . I kissed him again . We said goodbye . I didn 't turn around or go into my room , I grabbed my keys and my laptop and got in my truck , and went to my mother 's house , where I stayed for a few days . When I came back , it was still quiet , our roommate wasn 't home . I stood at the closed door of our bedroom . I knocked on the door , knowing he wasn 't there . I called out his name . Our stuff was strewn everywhere . We 'd made a big mess packing . He 'd left some things but mostly it was my stuff everywhere , and some of his clothes that he 'd left for me . Folded neatly on the back of a chair in our room was a tee shirt . It was a navy blue shirt for some restaurant , a shirt he 'd had for a long time . When we first met , when I 'd told him I was going to cut of all contact with him , he had given me that shirt to remember him by . I asked if I could have something that smelled like him , so he 'd worn it all day and then given it to me . Now it was laying here , folded , on the back of the chair , and he 'd worn it the day before . I picked it up and pressed it to my face . It smelled like him . I cried for two years . Sometimes it was easier , sometimes it was harder . I lay in bed at night and felt so strange to have the bed all to myself . I missed him there . I missed snuggling up to him and pressing my waist against his butt . I missed touching his hair with my fingers . I even missed him waking me up in the middle of the night to tell me to stop snoring . I still miss him . I still think that breaking up was the right thing to do . Most of the time , I 'm alright . Sometimes , I miss him . It 's not that I regret breaking up , and in fact I think that the way our relationship happened is what HAD to happen . I learned a lot about emotional abuse , as both the victim and the abuser . I learned about monogamy , I learned what my boundaries are in a relationship , I learned what I can and can 't handle , and I learned when it 's time to let go and move on . And he still misses me too . We talk , we 're friends . There was a long period of silence , but we became friends again . We 're not incredibly close friends , but he knows where he stands . Which is to say , he hasn 't stopped being important to me . During the past year when I felt suicidal , every time I imagined killing myself , I always imagined what my suicide note , or video recording , or online post , might say . Every time it included Guy . I always left him everything . I always told him I was sorry . I always told him that I loved him . Every time I 've imagined what I might do if I were in the hospital dying , I always open my mouth and ask for Guy . He rushes to my bedside and tell him I just want to kiss him again before I die . It 's morbid , but depression is morbid . Whenever I 've thought about dying , the most important things that I think about are telling Robert and Zack how much I love them , how much their love and support means to me , and to tell Guy that I love him . I don 't believe Guy was " the one , " because I don 't believe there is " the one . " Even in a polyamorous sense , I don 't believe that there are certain people you 're just destined to find . But I do believe that you find someone you care about , you connect , and you make it work . One of the most important things I learned was that I DID love Guy . I worried our whole relationship that I didn 't really love him , that I was just forcing it . And there were many things I was forcing , and I was even forcing myself to love him before it was time , but in the end I DID love him . And I still do . I 've thought about what would happen if he were to ask me to be with him again . I live in Delaware and he lives in Georgia , and we haven 't physically seen one another since that day that he left , but still , I 've thought about what I would say or do . I know instantly that getting back together is not the right thing . But then , I think to myself , what about this longing I feel for him ? What about this pull toward him , what about the fact that I still miss him , that I still love him ? 15Nov2014 A Farewell To My Mother Posted in Journal by Jesse Colton I 've wanted for a long time to write about my relationship with my mother . I 've wanted to try and explain the many ways in which she 's harmed me over the course of my life . Today , she sent me a message , asking me to come back and work for her again , and asking for respect . This message was my response to her . It contains most of what I have to say . How can I respect you ? You told me I would burn in hell . You don 't care about people making fun of me for my sexuality . You don 't accept and love for who I am , even though I 'm different than you . You bring judgement and anger toward me every day . You hurt me on a very deep level with your words and actions . How could I ever respect that ? All you bring to my life is pain and misery . I 've tried for so long to try and see past the things about that hurt me . I 've tried to still love you and treat you like my mother and show you honor . But when I do , you return that favor with anger , bitterness and hatred toward who and what I am . You 've always claimed to love me , but your actions are not that of a loving person . You think only about what your perception of Christ is . But Christ is not about judgement , or hell fire , or anything but love . Love , even for people who don 't believe . Christ showed love to the non - believers , not judgement , not threats of hell fire . If Christ spoke to me he wouldn 't say " Jesse , if you don 't change who you are , you will burn in hell . " He would say " Love one another as I have loved you . " You are so caught up in your tiny perception of Christianity , fueled by television evangelists and money - grubbing schemes , that you 've lost the point of the whole thing : one commanded I give to you , love another as I have loved you . You don 't seem to understand what that means . A loving mother does not say to her son , " Don 't come crying to my when you 're hungry , " or " You 're not my problem , " " or " You 're nothing but a thorn in my side , " or " If people were calling me a fag , I wouldn 't be a fag , " or " You 're going to hell , " or " You 're possessed by a demon ! " Those are not things that a rational person with a rational mind would say or think . So , respect you ? How can I ? How I would love to respect you , to have a relationship with you , but just like my father , you 've turned your back on me . You 've told me that I 'm not good enough because of who I am . I can 't keep coming to your house and not mentioning the fact that I 'm gay or that I 'm not Christian , knowing that it will cause you to on a tirade and yell at me about fire and brimstone , telling me stories about Sodom and Gomorrah that you yourself don 't really understand . There are people in the world who aren 't Christian , and they live happy , successful lives . You live in a vacuum of denial , because you 're miserable with your life . You married someone for their money and not for love , and now you 're trapped in a loveless marriage and you 're trying to replace those feelings with things , like all these rings and jewelry you have Lee buy for you . You preach to people about Christ 's forgiveness , but you show none to other people . You yell at your daughter to be compassionate , yet you show her no compassion when she cries her little heart out . You say you 're proud of me , that I 'm your favorite , that I 'm talented , but then you call me names , you tell me I 'll burn in hell , you judge me and criticize me , both of which I would remind you are sins . And more than anything , you chose to give love and support to the man who abused me as a child . On his death bed , you brought him home , you took him into your own house where both me and my sister were , and sat around talking to him , asked me to play piano for him , had Brianna call him " paw paw , " and then you even set up his funeral service , made a memorial to him , and read a eulogy for him . This was the man who hurt and abused me in the most heinous possible way as a child , and you chose to show him compassion and forgiveness and love , rather than putting him in prison where he belongs . It 's possible that I could forgive you for calling me names . It 's possible that I could forgive you for telling me I 'd burn in hell . But I say this without any anger toward you , this is simply the truth , you betrayed and destroyed me when you brought your father down here from Georgia , sheltered him , cared for him , called him " Daddy " and looked at him as though he were a sweet old man , when in fact he was a monster who terrorized you , me , your mother , and everyone he ever met . If I had been in your shoes , mom , and I were you , and I found out Jerrie were on his death bed … people would have had to hold me back to keep me from going up there and pulling the plug on his ass . Instead you chose to treat him as though he deserved your kindness . You blame what he did to me on a " demon , " or " the devil possessing him , " or " he was an alcoholic , " or " his mind wasn 't right . " Those are excuses . He made a choice to take me out into those woods and rape me . If you 've forgotten , he raped your four - year old son . And you chose to stand by him in his final hours , you chose to officiate his funeral , you chose to bring him into your house and introduce him to my little sister , which you had NO business doing . My father , crazy though he might be , at least had the decency to hate that man . You chose to love him . And you made your choice . You picked him over me . And when I told you this , years ago , you said " What does it matter ? You don 't love me anyway ! " Think back . All of those tiny little hurtful things you 've said over the years have remained in my mind . I remember when you came up behind me on the couch in our blue house and pulled my hair , I remember when you pushed me in my chest and knocked me down on my bed , I remember when you screamed and screamed , when you called me a freak , when you told me I was a thorn in your side , when you told me I was possessed by the devil . And I even watched those videos on your phone you said you didn 't want me to see until you were dead , where you go on and on about how I need to change who I am , how I 'm allowing the spirit of the devil inside of me . You 're just an empty person , mom . You 've lost everything . You lost your first son , you lost your first husband to madness , your second husband to death , and you lost your mother . You got into a marriage you didn 't really care about and you try to fill this big void in your heart with material things , and with religion . You spend all your energy researching the bible , but you don 't even understand what the bible is about . It isn 't about " speaking in tongues , " or the judgement , or the end of the world , or even salvation . The message of the entire Bible is summarized in Christ 's words at the last supper : " Love one another , as I have loved you . " Love will never be a sin . You have been led to believe it , but it isn 't so . But that 's all your problems , and I can 't handle them for you . Nothing I 've said here has been out of anger or rage . I 'm not mad right now . I 'm not seething with anger or throwing things , I 'm very calm , and I 'm speaking to you from my heart . I am sorry for you . I wish that life had been better to you . I wish you hadn 't lost so many things you hold dear . I wish you didn 't suffer so much . I wish you didn 't feel so alone . I wish you didn 't have so much to worry about . I wish your health weren 't failing you . You may think I 'm cold and heartless , but I 'm a very open , loving , and caring person . But you have spent years upon years hardening my heart toward you , and no amount of small apologies will ever fix that . Only your actions can show that you love me , and your actions have been actions of hate . Mothers don 't kick their sons out of their homes . Mothers don 't threaten to call the cops on their sons . Hell , mother 's don 't actually DO it either . Mothers don 't tell their children they 'll burn in hell . Mothers don 't tell their children they 're possessed . You know a lot about how to be Cissy the person , but you 've never known how to be Cissy the mother . You gave Brian up , and your reasons may have been justifiable , but when you had me , you were given another chance to be a mother . You claim you protected me , but it 's taken me a long time to come to a conclusion . You knew what your father was like . You grew up around him . You 'd heard the stories from your mother . You knew he couldn 't be trusted , yet you let me go out and be alone with him anyway . The truth is , I never blamed you for being molested or raped , whatever you want to call it , but now that I look back on it , now that I know that you knew at the time what a monster he was because of what he 'd done to you and your family , because he even told your mother he 'd had sex with you girls , you should have known better than to send me out into the woods with him . And when it did happen , you should have pursued him and made sure his ass got put in jail for the rest of his life , not just left it up in the air . You didn 't want to " put me through " being on trial ? Why ? I had to talk about it to a million therapists anyway , why not have me talk about it to a judge so that man could get justice ? You were weak , and selfish . You have always , essentially , been selfish . You 've done for us , yes , but at your core you 've been a selfish person , because you 're scared . I don 't know what of . Oh , you can tell me that I " m " Greg Williford " all over again , but I 'm not diagnosing you with disorders you don 't have or making up a past for you that you didn 't have . I 've seen you , all this time , I 've seen your actions . You say you 're kind and giving , but you can be remarkably cruel , particularly to your own children . You say you want to get away from your family 's drama , but you relish in hearing all of their gossip . You say you want to lead a Christian life , but you do nothing but give money to TV preachers and go to Joyce Meyer seminars . That 's not what being a Christian is about . And even worse , you 're hurting my sister with the way you treat me . It breaks her heart to hear you tell me I 'll go to hell , or tell me I 'm a fag . It breaks her heart to see you treat me the way you do , but you don 't care about that . You just have to be right . Well I 'm sorry , but I can 't be your punching bag anymore . As a child , you leaned on me . As a little kid , when there were troubles in your marriage , you came and talked to me , a child , about them , and held me and cried . You did it my whole life . I was too young for you to do that . Because of you , I 'm afraid of the world . All the hatred , bitterness , rage and anger in the world that you 've warned me about , I 've seen it all in you . I 'm too sensitive to be gay ? No , I 'm perfect , just the way I am , and that 's what a real mother would say . I have friends who are old enough to be my mother who tell me every day that I 'm great , that I can accomplish anything , that I 'm a wonderful person just the way I am . It hurts me that for some reason you can 't do the same . Do I need your help ? Yeah , I really do . I 've got a mountain of debt at my bank , my tags are going to expire next month , I have a car payment and rent due , and I still haven 't found another job . Do I need money ? Do I need a job with you ? Hell yeah . But what cost would I have to pay ? Even if you told me you genuinely loved and accepted me for who I am I wouldn 't believe it . In the short time I 've been away from you , cutting you out of my life , I 've felt strong , confident , and hopeful , for the first time in my whole life . Your anger , your rage , your sadness and your misery drag down those around you , and it 's turning your daughter away from you . She 's beginning to see what kind of person you are , and I don 't think she likes it . I can 't speak for her , but all I ask is that you try and treat her better than you did me . Stop calling her names . Stop putting her down . Stop telling her she isn 't enough . Build that child up . Tell her that she 's beautiful , that she 's capable of anything , that she 's great , just how she is ! That 's what a mother does . I guess there 's nothing else to say . In the end , I 'm sorry for you . I 'm sorry that your life has been so hard . But it 's your burden to bear , not mine , not Brianna 's , not Brian 's , not Lee 's , not Greg 's . It 's yours . And YOU must live with it , not me . I have to move forward with my life . And one day , when I 'm a success , I 'm sad that I won 't be able to look back and see you as someone who pushed me forward , who helped me to become great , I 'll see you a stumbling block set in my path to test me , and that 's a real shame . I 'm sorry for you , but I can 't bear your burdens or your sorrows anymore . Keep your prayers , you don 't know how to pray . Keep your money , you dont ' know how to love . Keep your love , because it 's dysfunctional and it isn 't truly love , it 's need , need for another person , and I can 't be your crutch forever . I hope you find some fulfillment in your life . I hope you do well . But I have to go on without you . You have proven to me that you 'll never truly love me . I go forward in life thinking of you not as a loving mother , but as an unfortunate setback in my life . I wish I could love you , I wish I could forgive you , but I can 't . And I 'm sorry for that . @ kathygriffin I 'm always on your side , gurl . Stay strong . jessecoltonblog . wordpress . com / 2017 / 06 / 02 / in - … 3 weeks ago |
My father 's Christmas presents are still wrapped and waiting for him under the tree . But it will be a long time before he sees them . My dad had a seizure a week ago and it looks like he 'll be going to a nursing home for another period of rehab . He just got home in November after being away for a month and now he 's back on the chain gang . Only this time its worse . As one of the doctors explained to me , my father 's condition has come down a notch for good . They can help him in rehab , but he will not have the same mental and physical abilities he had before . I saw him yesterday and I have to say he looked terrible - - like an ancient infant , helpless , confused , drifting between sleep and consciousness . We 're heading into a new year , but for my father every day is the same . I had come from the Patient Relations ( hah ! ) Department on the first floor , where I had gone to look over several sets of dentures that had no owners . The hospital managed to lose my father 's own pair while we were at the Emergency Room on last week ( God , it feels like a hundred years ago ) and , to their credit , they were doing their best to find them . I 've never had to ID dentures before . I thought it would be like one of of those old cop movies where they pull the sheet back from the body and the victim 's family starts sobbing . However , this was more like someone cleaning out their attic , as one of the staffers came into the office with a cardboard box fall of false teeth and proceeded to put down several pairs for my inspection . My father 's was not among them , but I would like to know how all these dentures came to be here . Where were the owners ? Were they all walking around gumming their food , or was this all that remained of them ? The hospital staffer told me there was a good chance my dad 's teeth had been thrown out , which doesn 't surprise me one goddamn bit , the way things have been going these last week or so . He told me he 'd put in a request for reimbursement , but I get the feeling the hospital is going to try and weasel out of paying for their blunder . Posted by Christmas comes but one a year and all I can say is thank God for that . My father is back in the hospital , having suffered a seizure on Saturday night , so forgive me if I get a little Ebenezer on you . I had just gotten off the R train at Prince Street and was hanging out in the Housing Works Used Book Cafe when my cell phone went off . It was my sister , telling me that my father had just been taken out of the house in an ambulance . I was supposed to meet up with my bud Hank to see Letters from Iwo Jima , but I knew that couldn 't fly . I told my sister I was on my way , called Hank to tell him the story , and then I was back on Prince Street , where I hopped on the N train to Brooklyn . I guess I was numb , or perhaps I thought it wasn 't that serious , but then my cell phone went off while I was on the Manhattan Bridge , indicating I had a message . It was Edith , our night aide , and she had apparently called me first before dialing up my sister . " Robert , " she wailed into the phone . " Come home ! You 're father is dying ! " I felt so helpless listening to that message while riding over the bridge . I couldn 't go any faster and I couldn 't even respond as the train was going back into the tunnel . I got to the hospital and met Mary , our daytime aide , in the ER waiting room . It was Saturday night and the place was packed - - there was even a bunch of soccer players in one corner , waiting on the condition of an injured teammate . There was some kind of commotion going on in the ER , so I had to wait outside with Mary while my sister sat with our father inside . I found out later two federal agents had brought in an injured or ailing prisoner so they cleared out the place for security reasons . Just another Saturday night in Brooklyn . Kris KrumbleI sat there watching Ghost on the TV and wondering what the hell to do next . The guards finally let people inside and I found my sister sitting next to my dad in one of the cubicles . He looked terrible , but to be honest , he had been looking awful all day Saturday . He was non - responsive and confused . He would onlyPosted by When my father went into the emergency room the other night , the EMT told the head nurse of my father 's condition adding that " he denies pain . " I thought that this was an unusual expression . They didn 't say my father wasn 't having any pain ; just that he denied having pain . It sounded like they way trying to avoid any kind of legal problem should it turn out my father - - or anybody else - - actually was in pain . It makes me think of Peter denying Jesus three times before the cock crows , or a suspect in an old black and white crime movie denying a murder rap . That phrase came back to me today , my father 's first full day after being discharged from the hospital . I 'm trying to deny a whole lot of pain , but the pain is not denying me . First , I went to the hospital yesterday to pick up my dad . When I got there Mary , his aide , tells me that my father doesn 't have his dentures and nobody at this pig sty masquerading as hospital knows where they are . I found this particularly infuriating because the emergency room doctor insisted that my father have his dentures when he was admitted into the hospital . I had to call Edith , our night aide , to bring my father 's dentures down to the ER at 5 am , along with his meds . Edith is so on top of things that she had the teeth in a plastic bag that had a label with my father 's name and address attached to it . Fool - proof , right ? Not exactly . I had a bad feeling when I put the bag down on the night table in my father 's cubicle . I was concerned that would get lost if some numb nuts attendant took my dad to his room without looking for his teeth . It turns out I was right , proving yet again that you should always follow your instincts . Nobody on the fourth floor knew anything about my father 's teeth and the social worker suggested I could do to the ER and look . Golly , I was pissed . I went down to the ER , which was packed with the sick and the injured , and I could barely recognize the place . I had to just about tackle someone to get some attention and one woman , who I assume was the head nurse , did make an Posted by I had to take a late - night ambulance ride the other night when my father fell down in his room . It was about 2 am Tuesday morning and I heard this tremendous crash , falled my father 's voice shouting out " Robert ! " I ran into his room and found him stretched out on the floor right next to his bed . His head was propped up against the night table and we found he had a nasty lump back there . Thank God I had Edith , my dad 's night aide , staying over with us . We just set up a baby monitor that night and it worked perfectly . Edith and I got my dad off the floor and we checked for broken bones . He was not very responsive , but with the dementia that 's not surprising . I debated calling an ambulance , knowing that I 'd have to spend the rest of the night in the emergency room and then go to work the next day . My father had a preliminary kind of stroke called a TIA during the summer and then a real stroke back in October . Both times he fell and both times I let him talk me out of calling an ambulance . This time would be different . Given my father 's age and medical condition , I don 't think there 's such a thing as hitting the panic button or over - reacting . Every thing now is pretty much an emergency , so I tried calling our local ambulance , which was closed , and then hit 911 . I gave the operator the details while Edith dressed my father . The ambulance showed up and the two EMT 's - - a young man and woman - - could not have been nicer or more professional . They really put me at my ease . I called my sister and told her what was going on . I told Edith to hold the fort and then hopped into the ambulance . It was all kind of surreal , like it was happening to someone else and I was just watching . The female EMT was standing over my father , who was in a stretcher , and checking his vitals . " How do you feel ? " she asked him . Upon hearing the word " feel " I immediately perked up . " Be careful , " I said , " he likes the ladies . " I heard the EMT make a little " ooo ! " sound which told me I was too late and that my father had somehow managed to cop a feel while strapped oPosted by I had another one of my bizarro dreams the other night and I still can 't get it out of my mind . In the dream , I see my late mother sitting at the kitchen table in our home . I see her in profile and we exchange some words , but I can 't remember what they were . She nods toward the hallway and I see the spirits of our various pets who have gone on to their reward . Now , it 's not the actual pets - - Casey , Schnapps , or Phoebe - - but somehow I just know it 's them . The animals are fighting amongst themselves and bouncing all over the hallway . I have one distinct image of a mulitcolored lamp from my childhood being tugged by some unseen force . As I watch , a cat becomes visible pulling on the lamp with its teeth . I start talking to the spirits . I am very upset , close to tears , and I tell them that we loved them all very much when they were alive , but we really need them to get along in the after - life . I don 't remember much after that , which is probably just as well as the little I do recall has got me spinning in circles . I thought about it later and I decided that when I was telling the animal spirits that I loved them , I was really talking to my mother , telling her that I loved her . My mom has been gone for nearly five years now and I don 't think I 've ever dreamed about her - - or if I did I can 't remember it . As for the appearance of the pets , I 'm a little uncertain . I went to a party earlier that night where I saw people I hadn 't seen in years , so perhaps that was the spark for the return of the long - deceased animals . But I don 't think they represented people from the party . I 'm wondering if the pets were a stand - in for my actual family , and I was asking my relatives to get along . We can be a pretty fractious bunch , but I don 't think we 're different from most families . I also feel guilty about how I used to yell at Casey , a dog we had when I was in college and who died on Easter morning when I was working at the Pocono Record . I was - - still am - - a very angry person and I took a lot of my problems out on Casey . He was wild and undisciplinePosted by Maybe it was the shirt after all . I had a date last night with a woman I met online . We had exchanged IM 's and a few phone calls and I felt really good about meeting her . I didn 't want to get too excited , I didn 't want to get all worked up about some I had yet to meet in person , but this woman came off as attractive , intelligent and funny during out chats , so I confess I was a little psyched to meet her . I got dressed , trying to look good without showing that I was trying . I picked a gray striped shirt I hadn 't worn in a while and strutted out of the bathroom to get a second opinion . Over the years , I 've done this with my mom or dad , but my mother 's been gone almost five years now and my dad is suffering from Alzheimer 's , so I went to Edith , his Jamaican home care aide , who was sitting in the kitchen reading a newspaper . " So , Edith , " I said , " I 've got a date tonight . What do you think ? " Of course , I wasn 't really looking for an honest opinion ; I was just fishing for compliments . But I forgot to tell this to Edith . " I don 't like the shirt , " she said , making a face . Due to her accent , I had a little trouble understanding what exactly Edith 's complaint was , but I didn 't feel like changing shirts . And since she takes so great care of my father , I wasn 't going to pout because she didn 't care for my wardrobe . I hopped an R train down to Pacific Street walked around Fort Greene to meet my date . I still can 't believe how the area has changed , with wine bars , and chic restaurants , and white yuppies . I can remember when it was a crime - ridden cesspool , and now here I was going out for a night on the town . " A wine bar ? " My brother Jim in California said later when I told him . " It used to be just winos down there . " It 's the same old story : first the neighborhood was so dangerous you were scared off by the crime and now it 's so expensive you 're scared off by the rents . I stopped off at the Brooklyn Academy of Music , one of my favorite spots in the borough , to see if anything interesting was going on . As I walked around the lobby I saw whaPosted by Let 's pretend this never happened . Mary called me at work on Thursday . I recognized her number on the call screen , but still I had to ask " Mary ? " when I picked up the phone , as if I weren 't sure . We exchanged pleasantries for a few minutes and then she got to the point of her call . " I 'll be back to work on Monday . " Needless to say , I was very happy indeed to hear this . It has been less than a week since Mary said she was quitting and things haven 't been going very smoothly in her absence . Edith , our night - time aide , has been filling and she 's been nothing of fantastic . Especially since she agreed to take on a new live - in gig on extremely short notice . Edith is very effecient , dedicated , and hard - working . ( Not to mention brave , thrifty , clean and reverenet ; okay , we won 't mention it . ) But Mary was running all the little things around here and handing the reins over to Edith , while certainly not impossible , would have been a real pain in the kazoo . So going back to the old system is fine with me . However , I was a little taken aback when Mary just announced her plans and I was tempted to ask " how do you know we want you ? " But the truth is ( a ) we had given her a week to think it over , ( b ) I don 't do that mean - spirited crap , and ( c ) I really want her back . Mary said she had been going back to her shrink , who told her that my father 's filthy words , thoughts and deeds , were not personal , but the product of his rather warped mind . However , personal or not , they were pretty foul and I could see how a daily diet of this vile crap would eventually drive you batty . I told Mary that I was glad to have her back , but that I would have to run it by my sister , who gave her thumbs up that evening . I called yesterday and made it official , but I stressed that she couldn 't do this again , that , if she wanted to leave , she would have to give us two weeks notice . So what have we learned here ? Well , first of all , you can 't take anything or anyone for granted . People can leave or become ill and you find yourself stuck with all sorts of duties and nonPosted by Looks like someone stole my idea . . . I still can 't believe this is happening , but I have to accept it : Mary , my father 's health care aide , who has been with us for the last 18 months , who basically ran this house and took care of my father 's every need - - has quit . Like I said , I can 't believe it . I got the call yesterday morning when Mary told me she wasn 't coming back . No two weeks ' notice , no attempt at getting a replacement , she just cut and run . I think of my fantasy of hopping aboard a passing ocean liner and getting away from my father and my life forever , but Mary beat me to it . As I pleaded with her to stay , explaining that I have a full - time job and can 't possibly take care of my father , Mary started crying . She said she couldn 't deal with my father 's sexual advances anymore . Now , believe me . I know my old man is a pervert ; he always has been . And with the onset of dementia or Alzheimer 's or whatever the hell he 's got , his behavior has gotten much worse . Mary said that on Friday my father followed her around the house , demanded that she " pleasure " him ( sorry about the details ) and wanted her to kiss him . I know this terrible behavior , but it is nothing that she hasn 't experienced before . In the past , Mary always made a joke about my father 's remarks , saying she was going to hit him over the head with his cane . But now , this tough - talking Brooklyn dame , has gone all soft on me . She 's become a surrender monkey and left me holding the bag . She sure made a monkey out of me . Needless to say I freaked ; ran up and down the hallway cursing , swearing to puy my father in a nursing home and be done with him . Fuck it , if Mary can bail , why can 't I ? Here and ThereI feel angry and betrayed . Mary didn 't just walk out on my father , she walked out on me . I considered her a friend , I spoke to her every day on the phone , I asked about her new grandson ( I bought the kid a present when he was born , for Christ 's sake ) . She gave me advice and comfort . I just don 't understand what made her do this . I put so much trust into Mary ; up until yestPosted by I got a nice lesson in karma the other night on my subway ride home . I read this fabulous book on Tibetian Buddhism recently and I 've been trying to adopt some of the principles that the author discussed . I found the whole karma business fascinating - - the idea that every action you take causes a reaction in the future - - intrigues the hell out of me . I tried discussing this with my shrink during one of our sessions and he started interrogating me . " Do you believe in karma ? " he asked . " Well , I suppose - - " " You really believe in karma ? " I felt like I was being accused of something so I immediately denied all knowledge . I told him I like the feeling I get when I do good deeds , but , as a rational 21st Century humanoid , do I really believe good things will result from my acts of kindness ? Well , I guess not , but I don 't think I should have to pay this guy to shoot down my little delusions . The big ones , of course , but save me some bits of craziness or what 's the point of living ? I might as well be a plant . So I was taking the train home the other night and my shrink wasn 't with me . I had just finished a brutal session at the gym and I needed to sit down and go to sleep in a hurry . It was 7 pm , I was sure the rush hour would be over and I 'd have my pick of the best seats in the train . The train was packed , like a cattle car . I don 't know if any earlier train had broken down , or everybody else on the R line had gone to the gym , too , but whatever the reason , I was standing in a crowd of tired New Yorkers , not an empty seat in sight . All right , I accepted the situation , took out my book , and started to read . It was going to suck standing all the way home , but that was the situation . But I got lucky at Court Street when some guy got up from his seat and allowed me to slip right in . It was an end seat , right against the door guard , just perfect for napping . I wasn 't going anywhere . Well , that lasted for two stops , when the doors opened at DeKalb Avenue and an elderly lady got on board . She walked by me , craning her neck as she looked for a Posted by It 's been three days and it feels like three months . My father returned from the nursing home on Thursday and I feel like a ex - con who just had his parole yanked . Yes , it 's his house and yes , he 's my father , but I 'm still feeling a little stressed . The pick - up alone was a piece of work . I recently took over the retail beat and - - wouldn 't you know it ? - - Thursday was not only the day of my father 's discharge , but also the day that the montly same - store sales were released . So I had to get into work by 8 AM , bang out a couple versions of the story and then get on the subway and head out to Coney Island . Piece of cake , right ? I 'm still struggling with the retail sector , so the story came together rather slowly and as I kept on slamming in the numbers from all the major retailers , I had one eye on the time ticking away in the lower right hand corner of my computer . I think I turned out a fairly decent story , and I see now where I can do a better job next month when the December numbers . But I was wiped from lack of sleep , nerves and too much Diet Coke . " Don 't you wish you had taken this beat in February ? " one of my sources said , when retail is dead and Christmas is just a memory . " Oh , hell , yeah , " I said . But this was trial by fire and I think some part of me likes this madness . At noon I filed in the last version of the story and hopped on the train . It was strange riding the N train out to Surf Avenue for what I hoped would be the last time - - at least to visit the nursing home . I was looking at all the faces on the train : an elderly Asian man who was literally twiddling his thumbs ; a middle - aged woman and her adult mentally - challenged daughter , who smiled and giggled like little girl . Watch the Closing DoorsMy mother used to work with retarded adults so I have a pretty good idea the difficulties that woman must be facing with her daughter . God bless you , lady . The crowd thinned out by the time I got to the end of the line and I strolled at the boardwalk , looking at all the people who were out enjoying the warm weather . It 's hard tPosted by But Sunday was different . On this night I wanted to be onboard that ocean liner so badly I could taste it . I pictured myself standing on the deck in a tuxedo , sipping a martini , as the Wonder Wheel , the parachute jump , and my life with all its problems , grew smaller and smaller until they disappeared . I would hit the dance floor every night and sleep until noon the next morning . I 'd meet lords and ladies , counts and countesses , industrialists , and stock market wizards . I 'd fall in love with a beautiful heiress ( and she with me , of course ) , and begin a whole new life as somebody else . Selfish ? Of course . But then I will be the one bearing the brunt of my father 's care once he returns home . Yes , we 're going to hire people to take care of him , but right now it looks like I 'm going to be a prisoner , forced to either give up things I enjoy or scramble to find hired help should something come up . I had a different attitude earlier on Sunday . I went to the nursing home and when I got out on his floor , I saw that he wasn 't in the dayroom , his usual spot . Fine , I thought , he must be in his room . But he wasn 't . His bed was empty , there was no sign of him and I felt this pull at my heart . Immediately , Captain Catastrophe thought the worst . Did it finally happen ? Had my father suffered another stroke ? Had he died ? Here I am complaining about taking care of him and now he 's dead . I asked one of the nurses and she told me my father had gone to mass . I was about to ask if we were talking about the same man , but I didn 't think sarcasm would help . So I went down to the second floor and , looked around , and sure enough , there was my father in his wheelchair , up in the front row . I received communion , but passed on the wine , and after the service I went over to get my dad . It took a little doing getting him out of there , as there was a back - up of wheelchairs , like cars at the Holland Tunnel . But we eventually got out of there and I spent a few hours with him . We were in the dayroom and I really wanted to leave . They were going to be serving dinner pretty soon and my father was convinced we were in a restaurant . Every time an aide went by - - or " waitress " in his view - - he tried to flag her down . Finally , he started climbing out of his wheelchair . I got him into his seat , told him I had to leave and reminded him that he was coming home in a few days . I pretended to be happy about it , but let 's not kid ourselves . I 'm going to miss the freedom I 've had around here and I dread having to take care of my father , even if we do have hired help , it 'll never be enough . When my niece . Kristin , was little , she used to talk about Turkey Lurkey , a kind of Thanksgiving counterpart to the Great Pumpkin , who would give candy and toys to all the children . She may have borrowed the name from the Chicken Little tale , but the gift - giving character sounds like her idea . I remember the first year she told me about Turkey Lurkey and the following year I asked to tell me the story again . She started to do just that , but stopped suddenly . " I told you this last year , " she said , sounding a little confused . Yes , she did , but I loved hearing it . The story , and her unique way of telling it , is one of my favorite Thanksgiving memories . That was many years ago . Kristin is now a freshman in college and Turkey Lurkey is no more . And instead of a big family get - together , I spent a good portion of this Thanksgiving Day on the subway . My sister and I started our day heading out to Coney Island to visit my dad in the nursing home . I had planned to hop the N train , but my sister very wisely suggested we crack down and take car service . Given Thursday 's god - awful weather and the fact that we would have to trudge into Manhattan to have dinner with my aunt later that day , I think that was a pretty good idea . We got to the nursing and went up to the 7th floor to see our father . He was in the day room , or the land of lost souls , as I call it in my darker moments . We had his meal brought down to his room so we could sit with him while he ate . As he lay in bed waiting for the food , my father told us he disliked his roommate his roommate , a poor bastard in a wheelchair and breathing from a tank of oxygen . He was convinced the guy was my mom 's brother - in - law , Leon , whom he hated , but my sister assured him that Leon has been dead for four years . It didn 't matter . My dad is convinced Leon was responsible for putting him in the nursing home , even though we told him the doctor put him there . " Leon was whispering in the doctor 's ear , " my father said . Makes sense to me . The guy comes back from the dead to make sure my father gets stuPosted by There 's something so depressing about Coney Island in the off - season . The place exists for summer , sunshine , and people , but lately it 's been sorely lacking all three . Sure , there are some people on the boardwalk and I guess the Polar Bears will start coming around to go swimming . But it 's not the same . I 've been spending more time out there since my father suffered a stroke last month and went into the nursing home for treatment . Sunday is my usual day and I 'll be there again tomorrow with my sister to visit him for Thanksgiving Day . My usual routine is to get there in the afternoon and wheel him downstairs to the lobby , where we play cards for a while . Last Sunday he wanted me to take him outdoors , but I told him it was too cold . " I don 't like this atmosphere , " he said . " I want to get out of it . " " I don 't blame you , " I said . My father will be coming home next Thursday , a week after Thanksgiving , and I can 't say I 'm looking forward to it . I 've enjoyed being on my own around here and I know when he returns he 's going to need constant care . We 're hiring people , but I don 't think it 'll be enough . I guess I 'm being selfish , but my father is still not in the right frame of mind . Some days he thinks he 's in a hotel , other days he thinks he 's in a library . He refers to my mother in the present tense , as if she 's still alive , and it breaks my heart every time . I stopped telling him that she 's gone because it just seems to confuse him and he never remembers anyway . My sister and I got a first class scare this week when some schmuck at the hospital who calls herself a social worker said my father was being discharged this Friday , the day after Thanksgiving , a holiday weekend . Needless to say when my sister called me with this bit of news , I freaked . I was in the middle of very difficult story and I had to drop that and deal with these bureaucratic bungholes at the nursing home . We weren 't ready for him . We don 't have the staffing step - up , his room hasn 't been prepared , we just can 't take him now . And why the hell did they tell us he Posted by This night should have worked out better than it did . It 's Friday , always a good thing . I wanted to do something different , so I went to a reading at KGB Bar , a cool East Village saloon / reading space . I don 't go there often , but when I do I usually have a good time . It 's small and the crowd is always supportive . I feel that if I 'm going to live in New York I should go to places like this , instead of parking my rear end in front of the television and slipping my brain under the sofa . I was so proud of myself . Instead of going to a movie and hiding in the dark for two hours , I was going to be out with fellow humans , listening to real live people reading their work . It sounded emotionally satisfying and rather sophisticated . So how did it end up with me being angry , frustrated , and alone ? Well , I think it started with the burrito place . The reading was pretty good , but as the place filled up with mostly friends and family of the authors , I began to feel more alone . A woman next to me asked me how many authors would be appearing after the intermission and I told her three . ( Turned out it was only one more author , but it felt like three . ) I guess I thought things might happen from that little bit of conversation , but I found this woman and I didn 't have much to say to one another , despite our mutual interest in writing . The reading ended and I got ready to leave . " Have a good one , " I told her . " It was a nice talking to you , " she replied . You call that talking ? I had to struggle for every syllable I said to you , honey , so if something nice passed between us , I didn 't see it . And if you 're being sarcastic , bite me . There was still a pretty large group of people in the place and I was tempted to hang out for a little while longer , Miss Personality notwithstanding . But everybody seemed to know everybody else and I didn 't feel like lurking on the fringes of conversation . And I was hungry . I walked down Second Avenue , which was filling up with the Friday night crowd . I was going to eat at the Thai Cafe , which I really like , but I couldPosted by Each time I see her , I give a dollar bill and she responds with an automatic " God bless ya . " I figured I 've been blessed enough times I could probably run for pope . Do I have to give money to everybody ? My father always used to criticize the war movies , from the battle scenes right down to the quality of the actors ' salutes . ( He maintained most of them couldn 't give a decent salute . ) He also got angry when he saw actors like John Wayne and Frank Sinatra portraying soldiers . His stories became mine . I re - told them throughout high school and even today I pick out one of the good ones and repeat it for my friends . You would almost think I was the one who fought in the war . There was the night he and some of his buddies were out on maneuvers and they saw a German soldier coming . The soldier , thinking they were his buddies , asked what time it was . One of the Americans who could speak German responded and the soldier walked into the group of my dad 's buddies . I found later through my uncle that my father had come back from the war in pretty bad shape . He had two or three friends , also named Jim , who were killed in the same day . One of the men ran a hunting lodge somewhere out west and the three men had talked about going on a trip out there after the war . I 'm told that after the war he struggled to find a place in the working world . I 'm sure the war scarred my father , perhaps accounted for his rages , his insensitivity , his downright meanness . It 's hard to say and much too late to correct . I went out to the nursing home to see my dad today . It was raining pretty hard and the boardwalk was almost empty . We played cards for a while and he said we should go upstairs so I could visit with Mom . I had to gently remind him that Mom was no longer with us . I mentioned Veteran 's Day and he didn 't seem interested . I know he always resented guys who saw no action during the war but bragged about being soldiers . He said there were soldiers stationed London who just about cried when peace was declared . They were nowhere near the action , they worked in offices and they had a whole city full of women whose men were off to war . War wasn 't hell for these guys . It turns out they share the same floor and eat at the same table . This man , also named Jim , is 91 years old , 6 years older than my dad . I asked him how he was doing . I started to say something , give him some kind of stupid pep talk , but I shut up . Who am I to tell this man how he should feel ? He 's the one going through this experience , not me . I took my dad back up to his floor so he could have supper , and then headed out . It was too dark to walk on the boardwalk , so I walked down Surf Avenue in a light rain . I think of how my father marched through much more severe weather , in much more dangerous areas , and I think how that 's all being forgotten now . Born in Brooklyn in the same year the Dodgers moved out . I love movies and want to make them . And , of course , I 've written a novel . . . On November 8 , 2016 , we had to say good - bye to our faithful dog , Montana . Later that evening , Donald Trump won the effed up US presidential election . It . . . |
John decided to ride Zak first thing yesterday morning , so he tacked up and set off . After last week 's episode I thought I 'd let him go by himself , and boy am I glad , as on the way back he kept leaning towards the grass verge and once he got a foot on it , he bolted . They always tell you , if your horse bolts , to haul on one rein and turn the horse in a circle . That 's all very well if you 're in an open field , but if you 're on a narrow track , what are you supposed to do ? The bad thing is that Zak didn 't stop at the top , but shot across the crossroads . Thank goodness there were no cars up there , as it 's a 60mph road . John just hauled on the reins and finally got him to stop . Add that to our episode last week , and I am not impressed . Fortunately John was unhurt , just badly shaken . We think Barnaby and Max are fast , but Zak moves at a phenomenal speed , and you 've got to have your wits about you . But on the other hand , you can 't ride a horse once a week and expect them to be immaculately behaved , can you ? We went and bought two new batteries for the lorry , after John managed to wrench the old ones free after a great deal of struggling . I can 't even tell you what the new ones cost , but it 's not what we need just before Christmas really . But then , the highlight of my day , spending the evening with my eldest daughter and son - in - law , and their three wonderful children , Christian , Jake and Caelan , as it 's Jake 's third birthday . It 's a fair journey back to Worksop , so we can 't go very often , and I haven 't seen the boys since Caelan was born in September . I realised how much I missed them as soon as we walked in the door . It was a house full of energy and excitement , and it was wonderful to be amongst it . Lisa made us a wonderful meal as well . It was such a lovely atmosphere . Jake liked his birthday present , which was a Thomas the Tank Engine train track with a shed and a tunnel . Christian seemed quite keen on it , too . But the most wonderful thing was , Lisa has made me a cross stitch picture of a chicken . Here it is . She is very tPosted by All of a sudden yesterday it decided to stop being wet and windy and start being cold and windy instead . I sat with a hot water bottle on my lap as I couldn 't seem to get warm . I wasn 't expecting to drag the thermals out yet , but I might have to if this carries on . I went straight out this morning with no breakfast , as I usually come back in about 10 o ' clock , and grab something to eat then , but it was so nice today I decided I had to ride . I tacked Max up and set off for the school . I 'd better explain about this . Back in January I had a teensy accident where Max bolted with me and jumped a five - bar gate and threw me off . It turned out he 'd jumped into a field full of horses . Although I was in some pain , as two women helped me up to the yard , I noticed a manege . In my one lucid moment , I said , " Oh , you have a manege ! Do you ever rent it out ? " and they said I 'd have to ask the farmer , which I did once I was well enough to go back down there . I think the farmer must have felt sorry for me , as I injured myself on his land , and said I could use the school , as long as I didn 't broadcast it . This is such a godsend , I can 't begin to tell you . We don 't have a manege on site , so this is the only way I get to school any of the horses . On the same day I had the accident , I 'd phoned the local riding school to see if I could hire their arena , but they said no , so I am thrilled to have access to this one . It 's great because I 've never had to share it . I can obviously go during the day when everyone 's at work , so I always have it to myself . Obviously the liveries have priority , so if anyone did want it I 'd go for a hack instead , but it 's never happened . It 's not very big , but it 's perfect for me , and it 's meant I 've been able to keep Max fit and supple . He has a little whinny when he gets there as he likes to let the other horses know he 's arrived . He 's much admired there , too , and so is Barnaby , which is always a thrill , isn 't it ? I 've really got to know some of the girls up there , which means I stand there coffee - housing a bit , buPosted by The weather is keeping to its theme of high winds and lots of rain . On Monday it rained so hard , and so continuously , that the barn was flooded . The water washed straight through , out onto the drive , and down onto the road . It was up to our backdoor step , and I had to keep sweeping it away , and put the sandbags across , which did make a barrier , thank goodness . It was so loud on the barn roof , I came in to clear my head . I rang John and shouted , " Listen to this ! " and held the phone out . He said it sounded like I was on the edge of a rushing river . My only consolation is that it 's worse in Cumbria , but this seems to be nationwide - everyone is complaining . The Ladies Who Lunch are definitely up in arms over it . They decided the barn was the only safe place to be . One of the Welsummers is obviously into real estate . She checked out every single stable before finally settling on Barnaby 's as up - to - standard , and promptly laid her egg in there . Luckily I found it before I got Barnaby back in . I kept Max in all day yesterday as the farrier was coming at 2pm . It seemed silly to turn him out to get covered in slop , only to bring him back in again a few hours later and expect the farrier to pick his feet up . Needless to say , Max was not amused , and kept throwing his haynet up in the air , ( the equine equivalent of throwing the dummy out of the pram ? ) just to let me know . He kept letting out pathetic whinnys to let the others know where he was , but they were outside stuffing themselves on a new bale of haylage , so none of them took any notice , and nobody could be bothered to reply . I turned Barnaby out first , as usual , followed by Zak , who went galloping up , legs akimbo , crying , " Barnaby ! Barnaby ! " in feminine tones . I swear if he carried a hankie he 'd wave it ! It 's worth it just to see the look on Barnaby 's face , ' Oh lor , it 's the galloping gourmet . ' It was quite funny when I went to get them in , as Zak tried to block me off from Barnaby , " I won 't let them take you , Sire , I won 't ! " " Move over Zak , please . " " Okay , sorry mum . " You Posted by Last year , while I was still working , and the credit crunch was in full swing , I began to wonder what I would do for my next job . They closed our accounts office in Bootle , and then a factory , and we all sat there worrying every day , when our turn would come . Due , I think , to having some beautiful grandchildren , I began to toy with the idea of being a nanny again . I used to be a nanny years ago , in London , and I loved it . But then I thought about the fact that I don 't drive . I thought , the least a prospective employer is going to need is someone who can take the children to nursery or swimming or toddler group or something , and I 'd never find a job . But I could dream . Then when this job came up , Missis mentioned that she had children . I said , " Well it may interest you to know that I used to be a nanny . " She said that was very interesting because quite often when she is away they could do with someone to look after the children after school until Pongo gets in from work . Then she said , " They get dropped off from the school bus right outside the house ! " How amazing is that ? I think I knew then that this was what God was planning for us , the door that he was opening . So , of course , here we are , and I have the boys two evenings a week after school , and have had them two days a week during the summer holidays . I am saying this because I may need to mention them from time to time . They haven 't asked to be in here , so I shall refer to them simply as Six and Nine . That will do very well . As a follow - on from yesterday , Mr O and I had a big prayer time last night , as I have realised that although I have certainly left the rat - race , he definitely hasn 't . He said part of this rushing around thing he does at the weekend is because he wants to fit in as much as possible before he goes back to work on Monday morning . He just starts to slow down and enjoy life , and get the stress of work out of his system , when he is plunged straight back into it again . And the company he works for is a very stressful place to be . I should know , I stPosted by I touched on this a bit in my last post , about Mr O , and how different he is to me . I need to explain this a bit more . I 've spent the past six years working in an office , first with Mr O , and then for three years at Forticrete . That means I have spent six years being totally oppressed . When you work in an office here , in England , in 2009 , it is incredibly difficult to mention your faith . A nurse was suspended a few months ago for offering to pray for a patient . When you hear things like that , it puts you off telling people about Jesus . That 's why I talk about horses all the time , because that 's acceptable . In fact , in the office , conversation about anything is acceptable , except Jesus . I had to sit and listen to people talking about pornographic films , or violent films , that were so bad in the end I went to the kitchen to make coffee just to get out of the way . You can talk about who 's sleeping with who , which fortune teller you 're going to and which medium . But you are not , absolutely not , allowed to talk about Jesus . Isn 't it strange ? So you go to church on a Sunday , praise God and come home filled with love and peace and joy , so that you 're bubbling over , but you must not share that at work on Monday morning . You must keep silent . So silence it is then , because if the conversation is dominated by all those nasty things , which obviously you 're not going to contribute to , because you think it 's vile , you end up saying nothing at all , until in the end you 're silent most of the time . I was going to title this post , ' living outside the box ' ( which is a phrase I hate ) because finally I am allowed to come out of my little box that people try to put me in , and be myself . But when I thought about it more this morning , I realised that actually where I want to be is inside the box . God has hand - picked , hand - painted and lovingly decorated a box for me , where everything I am is put in , my personality , my character , the way he made me to be . ( ' In my father 's house there are many rooms - a room is just a big box , isn 't it ? ) ThisPosted by I woke up this morning to the sound of silence . No wind , no rain . I leapt out of bed , threw on some jods and flung open the back door . Wam , bam , pea souper . No riding for me , then . Head hung low , I turned the horses out . Pongo and Missis have gone away for the weekend , so we are holding the fort . This involves me letting their dogs out and feeding them , too . The high risk moment comes when I open the door to their day room , to be greeted by Lexus , the black lab , hurling herself at me . It 's a bit like fending off a tackle from Jonah Lomu . The worst bit comes when I let her back in and have to hold her in an armlock while I dry her paws . The trouble is , of course , I have to bend down to reach , which means she can lick me . Marvellous . I am exhausted by the time I leave . I let the chickens out this morning , and went to do some hay nets , then went back to clean the chicken coop . I always feel I should tap on the door and shout " Room service ! " before I go in . Sure enough , there was a chicken still in there , already in mid - lay . Laying an egg appears to be a private and intimate moment , and I was loath to interrupt it . The chicken gave me a hard stare as if to say , " Do you mind ? " I quietly closed the door and tiptoed away . Once they have laid , a chicken will squawk very loudly to ' announce ' this achievement . Many visitors have commented on this . If you had an oviduct the size of a chicken 's and had to pass their size of egg through it , believe me , you 'd squawk , too ! When we first got the ' ladies who lunch ' , I gave them names like Valma Kelly , Roxy , Mama Morton and so on , but now I have got to know them better , I have re - christened them . Only Roxy has remained . The speckled Sussex is Henny Penny , the two Welsummers are Peggy and Betty , ( who lay beautiful pale blue eggs ) and the two marans are Marjory and Dorothy . They always go round in pairs , and examine things and discuss them as if they are looking at a particulary good entry in the cake competition at the village show . I have noticed on previous occasions , and again today , Posted by The wind has been absolutely howling round all week , and was worse than ever today . So Missis and I decided to go for a ride ! It 's been lovely to be able to wash the horse 's legs off when they come in at night , and it means they are clean and dry in the mornings , so with just a quick brush off , they are ready to ride . Max wasn 't happy about not going out with his mates . I move him into Barnaby 's stable when I groom him and tack up , as I can tie him up away from his door . In his own stable , even though he is tied up , he can ( and does ! ) barge past me , at the risk of being garrotted by his own lead rope . We went around the nearby lanes , where there is less wind as it 's much lower down than we are ( everywhere 's lower down than we are ) . Max was out in front again , and was extremely well behaved . I am so proud of him for being able to do this . He always used to tuck himself in behind Barnaby and plod along , but now he 's much braver . He did lift all four feet off the floor at one point , for no apparent reason , but you can 't have everything . As we turned for home , and had a canter on the verge , Lindy suddenly decided it was time to speed things up a bit and started cantering up the road . Max just trotted on , saying , " Look at Lindy - he 's being naughty ! " We had a decent canter on the verge on the way home . Max put in a big buck , as I was holding him in at the front end and he decided if he couldn 't get his energy out the front end , he 'd let it out the back . A woman in a black Porsche who 'd driven up behind us , stopped at the junction and said , " That 's not really a suitable place to be doing that , is it ? " We were both so astonished we couldn 't think of a suitable reply . Sorry Madam . We got home and I finished all my mucking out . I went back to shut the metal gate and heard a terrible crash . I came round to find the wind had blown the door off the greenhouse and smashed all the glass in it plus one of the panes in the roof . I took one of the rubber skips and put gloves on to pick it all up as some of it went into the horse 's fiPosted by I wasn 't going to commit this to the blogosphere , but I find I can 't resist it . A few weeks ago , the boys ' pony came in hopping lame . He was so bad you 'd have thought he 'd broken his leg ( a front one ) . Now Missis immediately diagnosed an abscess . This is one of few horsey things I know very little about . She said we had to get the shoe off immediately , so we sent for Nasty Farrier . In the hope that he never reads this , I can tell you he lives at Bleak House , and a thorough Dickensian character he was , too . He did succeed in taking the pony 's shoe off , after much rearing from the pony , and being held down by Mr O and Beefy Assistant . There was a distinct mark on the pony 's foot and the shoe where the abscess had obviously made its presence felt . Then Nasty Farrier told Missis that the abscess had travelled round the front of the foot to the other side . We spent the evening soaking the pony 's foot in salt water , despite the fact that he quickly invented a new game of ' let 's see how many times I can kick the bucket over before they start shouting ' , and adding a poultice and a bandage . God bless vetwrap . We change the bandage morning and evening , but by Sunday the pony is worse . Missis decides to call in Dog Vet . The call - out charge is double on a Sunday . He says we may need to keep poulticing for up to two weeks , that the farrier was correct that the abscess had travelled around the front of the foot , and then actually kicked the pony because he was being naughty . If I ever call that man out to see to one of my horses , shoot me first . Now I have a brilliant book called ' First Aid For Horses ' by Karen Coumbe , which is my horsey bible . It has never let me down . I have consulted it over colic ( Max ) being cast ( Max again ) and choke ( Zak , bless him ) and it has never been wrong . I love this book and trust it totally . So I look up ' abscess in the foot ' and it tells me to poultice the foot for no more than three days , then when the abscess has drained , to cover it and keep it dry until it is sufficiently healed that it won 't gePosted by I have made the decision to turn the horses out , even though the hunt is meeting up the road . The horses can see the lorries and trailers from their field . Last time they came it took 45 minutes to catch Barnaby , who clearly thought he should be out with them and generally taking charge . Max was shaking , too . But this morning I knew Barnaby wouldn 't stand for being kept in , and if I 'd done so , I would have had to sedate him , which I don 't really want to do , and besides which , I couldn 't lay my hands on anything to sedate him with . I was straining my eyes to see people arriving , and couldn 't see anyone . I thought what an idiot I was about to look as I 've told people at the livery yard and my neighbour that they are coming , so they could keep their horses in if they wanted to . A couple of days before they came in the spring , we had seen a dead fox in a gateway up there , but didn 't think anything of it . When the hunt arrived , the hounds came streaming out of the lorry , found the dead fox , said in unison , " Duty done , I think ! " and ran back into the lorry ! I would have gone up to watch the hounds move off , but then I got a phone call from Pop 's Attic saying they were on their way with the furniture , so I couldn 't have gone anyway . Then when the delivery men arrived , they said , " There 's ' ell of a fuss goin ' on up there - dogs all over the place ! " I just smiled . I also put Tessa into a stable , as she 'd barked beautifully for me and I wanted to keep up the pretence of her fierceness . She isn 't the only dog here . Pongo and Missis have two dogs , a black lab and a sheltie . The sheltie would , in fact , probably bite you , but the most the lab would do is pin you to the floor and lick you to death . I could think of a worse fate . Purdy , my tiny cat , is sitting on my shoulder as I write this . I 'm amazed at how well she is since we moved here . She is a stunted cat , so has always been very small , but before we moved here she had terrible skin , very bumpy and scabby . Now when you stroke her she is totally smooth , and you can tell she isPosted by It was a very stormy night last night . This time last year I would have lain awake fretting , but this year I slept through it , enjoying the sound of the rain lashing at the windows , knowing I was snug under the duvet . Actually I love listening to the rain outside , it 's beautiful . Our kitchen isn 't very big , but has a large table in it , which takes up a great deal of space . This week I 've asked Missis if we can take it out ( it 's on our inventory ) and I will buy a smaller one . Last year I wouldn 't have had the confidence to ask . What I 'd really like is some farmhouse chairs with the poles and the wheel in the back , as we used to have them in our old house , and I always regretted getting rid of them . She said that was fine , so I 'll be taking the table out tomorrow . There is a shop in Clay Cross called ' Pop 's Attic ' which , as you can imagine , sells second hand furniture . We went in , and the first thing we saw right in the entrance , was an old square wooden table , with two farmhouse chairs , exactly like I wanted . I was amazed . The table is smaller than the one we 've got now , but it extends out so we can seat more people if we need to . The top needs to be sanded and varnished , but it 's lovely , just exactly what I was looking for . It 's being delivered on Tuesday . More than happy with this , we continued our expedition into town , in search of curtain fabric for the kitchen . I don 't know what it is about the coming of Christmas , but I get an unbelievable urge to buy things for myself ! I think it 's because most of the shops save their best items for this time of year . We went to Dunelm Mill first . I have always wanted to go there , as I thought it was a fabric shop , but it turns out it sells readymade curtains etc . But most of the fabric was for sitting room curtains , so I gave up . We did find a wicker basket with a lid , which is going in the kitchen for Mr O to store his riding boots in . If he doesn 't have this he will keep on putting his boots under the kitchen table as if this constitutes putting them away . I never in a milliPosted by It amazes me how people coped in the countryside , years ago . My grandparents lived in a tiny cottage in a tiny village near Salisbury in Wiltshire , and never had a phone or a car , and managed to live perfectly well . My grandmother had a twin - tub , salted her beans , made her own wine and once rowed into the village in the tin bath when the river flooded and burst its banks . She was also terrified of cows . To bring things up to date : I think there are some items it 's essential to have if you 're going to survive in the country these days . The first one is a chest freezer . I make all my own bread , but I don 't have a cow , and the thing we are always running out of is milk . Now that it 's winter I 've stocked up on milk and frozen vegetables , too , as fresh ones don 't last very long . The idea is that we 'd like to only go food shopping once a month , so I keep a stock of milk powder ( which I also use in my bread ) just in case . That leads me to my second essential item : the internet . People fall in love with the idea of living in the countryside , but the real deal is a lot tougher than you think . We 've been here a year and I still hardly know anyone . I 've had coffee in one person 's house , and she hasn 't invited me back since . I wonder what I did wrong ? Anyway , the joy of the internet , is that I can keep in touch with friends and family at the touch of a button , and this is a massive blessing . We also order a lot of items for the horses and the house on the web , too . That leads me to my third essential - having things delivered . I have become a master at this . My grandmother had a butcher and a baker that used to call in once a week , and a milklady that delivered every day . I found a woman that came to collect my horse rugs , took them away to clean them , then brought them back again . I 've also recently found a new tack shop locally that offers a feed delivery service , so now we don 't have to spend half our weekend going to collect it , which is fantastic . Another thing that my grandmother used to have is a mobile hairdresser . Our tPosted by Throughout my life , the name Nancy Mitford has cropped up from time to time . I knew roughly who she was , but her books are extremely difficult to find . I knew she wrote ' Love in a Cold Climate ' but I 've never seen it in a book shop or even in the library . As you may know , we live quite near Chatsworth House , a beautiful stately home in Derbyshire , that has always been open to the public , and we are both fond of Deborah Devonshire , who is now the Dowager Duchess . We went to Chatsworth in May , as I love the gift shop , and we hadn 't been there for quite a while . A lot of the shop had been rearranged , and in one section on the wall , was a picture of six women , with the title of ' The Mitford Girls ' above it . I thought , ' Why are you telling me this ? ' On further inspection , it turns out that Deborah Devonshire was Deborah Mitford , the youngest of the Mitford girls . I was astounded - when did this get out ? Nobody tells me anything ! So imagine my delight when a couple of months later I came across the book , ' The Mitford Girls ' by Mary S . Lovell . What a revelation . The six sisters were Nancy , Pam , Diana , Unity Jessica , and Deborah . There was a brother called Tom , too . They led such incredible lives . Nancy was obviously an author , but Unity became an ardent fascist and was a good friend of Hitler 's . It was even rumoured that they would marry . Diana was a fascist too , and married Oswald Mosley , which was a total scandal at the time . ( And their son is Max Mosley , of F1 motor racing fame ) . Oswald Mosley was arrested during the war for his fascist activities , but Nancy said , " It 's really Diana you want , she 's involved in it too , " so they arrested Diana and put her in Holloway . Imagine doing that to your own sister , especially as her children were so young at the time . Jessica ( Decca ) was strongly into Communism . And poor old Deborah , stuck on the end , said that when she grew up she was going to marry a Duke , and she did . They are also selling ' Love in a Cold Climate ' at Chatsworth , so I have asked Mr O to buy it for me as a ChriPosted by So I 've mucked out six stables for the third day in a row . It was foggy again . I decided to turn the horses out and muck out in the morning , and sure enough the mist did clear as the day progressed , so I decided to get Barnaby in and ride him . He was fine when I washed his feet off and took him in and took his rug off . I groomed him , especially the mud caked on his face , and under his tummy , then went to get his bridle . I was just about to put it on him , when he suddenly went ballistic . For the life of me I don 't know why . He was barging , and I was worried as I had the head collar round his neck , but I managed to undo it . He was throwing himself at the door , so I couldn 't get out , then he crushed me up against the wall . In the end I had to run round the back of him and climb over the partition into Max 's stable . Thank goodness we haven 't got the American barn type stables or I 'd have been trapped . In the end I left him to it , as I couldn 't turn him back out as he had no rug on and wouldn 't stand to let me put one on , but he was still rearing and kicking the door , and leaning on it with all his weight , when I went to get the other horses in , so even having company didn 't calm him down . I 've given him his tea , and he is quiet now , but this is two hours later . I do blame the hunting , and I am so frustrated as I 've spent all summer calming him down , and making him a pleasure to ride , but one hunting session and we 're back to square one . I 'd ride him first thing in the morning , but he will just stress if the other horses are turned out and he is left in . I might be able to tack him up , turn the others out and then take him straight out , but I need to know he isn 't going to be strong with me as we go straight out onto a 60mph road and I don 't want him tanking off with me . He is on minimal hard feed , and there is no grazing , only the haylage we put out , so I don 't see what else I can do . I think I am tired today , and I am fed up with the mud , as the horses come in with it right up to their stomachs . I don 't mind washing lePosted by All my plans are out of the window once again as Pongo says Missis won 't be back until Thursday morning instead of Tuesday night . That means I have an extra day of mucking out , but more importantly it means I 've rearranged my exercise schedule for the horses , otherwise they are having too many days off . I don 't mind if they have some time off in January or February , when the weather could be really bad , but the ride on Sunday proves that Max has loads of energy and needs a good run soon . It was the usual foggy start , so I decided to ride in the field . I tacked Max up and put his witney blanket on and his hi - viz exercise sheet on top of that , but then really struggled to do his girth up . Then when I went to mount , his saddle slipped right over . I tried it again , and slipped again ! In the end I took the whole lot off and started again . It was beautiful in the field . As I went through the gap in the hedge , thinking it might not be so foggy in the bottom field , a cloud of fog came rolling up the grass to meet me . It was like watching a wave wash up the beach . Max didn 't seem bothered , so I carried on . I prefer the bottom field as there are less dips and bumps than in the top field , plus it 's a perfect rectangle , but big , so it 's like a giant dressage arena . I went right down to the bottom and started to work Max in . He 's very forward going in the field , not like in a normal manege , so I need hardly any leg , which is bliss . I always spend the first ten minutes working on me , keeping my legs still , concentrating on keeping my hands in a good position etc . I had to do lots of transitions to make Max concentrate , which took quite a while . I almost think I could have lunged him first . Eventually I asked for canter , and it felt like he was going to tank me up the field , but he did listen , and slow down . I 'd left the top gate open , and was worried he 'd try to cart me all the way home , but those of you who know about my little accident in January will understand my reasoning . The only thing is , I don 't want him to cart me acrosPosted by My heart goes out to the family of Mary Fox , aged 59 who died after boys put fireworks in her letterbox causing a fire on bonfire night . She made sure her son , aged 17 , was out of the house , but apparently went back in to rescue the cat , and couldn 't get out again . It just made my heart ache for David , my own 18 year old son , and imagining the grief he would feel if that had happened to me . Now I need to make it clear that Gordon Brown is very far from being my favourite person , but I feel so sorry for him today . It transpires that when a soldier is killed during the Afghan conflict , the Prime Minister writes to the bereaved family personally . It has been on the news today that a woman called Jacqui Janes has complained that Brown 's letter was badly written , had spelling mistakes and was generally an insult to her son 's memory . My heart , on this occasion , goes out to Gordon Brown , as I gather that his bad eyesight is to blame , and I can only hope that this woman 's words are an outpouring of the pain she is feeling at the loss of her son , and that one day she will recognise and apologise for her inappropriate rudeness to him . I am not impressed . No matter what else he may be , at the moment he is the Prime Minister of the country her son was fighting to defend , and the fact that he was prepared , despite this handicap , to take the time to sit down and express his gratitude for the service of Guardsman Jamie Janes by his own hand , rather than dictating to a secretary or sending out a standard typed letter , is commendable . Things are slightly different here on Sundays . Well they are on a normal Sunday anyway , like today . There is no such thing as a lay - in now that the horses are in at night . They expect their breakfast at 7 . 30am , no matter what , but usually it 's Mr O that does it at the weekend , so I get a few more minutes in bed , but Barnaby is soon ready to go out , and this morning was no exception , especially after hunting yesterday . He was still hunting this morning , marching constantly up and down , and staring into the distance , rather than going straight to the haylage . Then it 's ' all hands on deck ' to get the mucking - out done , and the hay nets finished , then we get changed and leave for church . It was beautiful today , especially as it 's Remembrance Sunday . A guy called Patrick spoke very well . He is in the TA , with a lot of friends serving in Afghanistan at the moment , and you could see he struggled to keep his emotions in check . We had the two minute silence , a short moment to ponder our gratitude to God that we live in a country where we are still free to come together in church to worship Him , thanks to some phenomenally brave men and women who gave ( and are still giving ) their lives in service to their country . We will remember them . I decided to ride Max with Mr O riding Zak , and Missis came too . Zak has had a tendon injury , but is now well enough to be walked out . I walk him in hand during the week , but Mr O is riding him at the weekend , and Zak is getting stronger and stronger . The urge to trot is incredibly strong , but we must resist and be patient . It will be worth it in the end . Missis looked down from on high ( well , on Lindy , anyway ) and noticed Max and suddenly said , " Well , you 're looking rather pretty , aren 't you ? " and I realised that Max was on the bit , and looking rather stunning , doing his ' I was a Lipizzaner in a former life ' impression ! I was so thrilled I am surprised I didn 't get a headache from my head swelling underneath my hat ! I baked some chocolate cakes this afternoon . They have golden syrup in and arePosted by I am madly jealous as we have been to somewhere called Riddings ( couldn 't find it on the map , good old SATNAV ! ) so Mr O could go hunting with the Burne Bloodhounds . We turned Barnaby out this morning while we mucked out , then got him in to give him a bit of a bath . I got Max in to keep him company , but it didn 't make any difference , Barnaby still kicked the door continuously . He didn 't want to go in the lorry , either , but suddenly reared up and landed halfway up the ramp , and decided to keep going . We put the ramp up , with the speed of light . We got there really early , as the google map said it would take 40 minutes in the car , so we always add on a bit of extra time for the lorry . We had actually been travelling less than twenty minutes , and suddenly saw Mike at the roadside , and pulled into what turned out to be a very small carpark . We got Barnaby tacked up , and eventually Mr O got into the saddle . They had to go up the road and into a field , where the hounds were waiting . It doesn 't make any difference to Barnaby , he 's shaking already . Nick made the speech and explained the day , which was to be shorter than normal , and all jumps were optional ( and they actually know what ' optional ' means ! ) Then he set off . I was busy taking photos , especially as a steam train trundled past , which upset a few of the horses , as you can imagine . Barnaby was totally unphased . Jackie Worby was there as well . She only lives two minutes away , and knew her horse would go mad , when he saw the hunt go past , so thought she 'd be better off joining in . Merlin looked beautiful . The next thing we knew Nick was on the floor . At first I thought it was Mike , but I dashed straight over to grab the horse , who was very good and just stood there eating . The hounds were totally confused as their dad was just laying there , motionless . Someone sent for the medic . It was confusion all over , as the whipper - in swapped horses , Mike said they would move off and I helped grab the hounds and get them back in the lorry . The field set off then , and Boyd Cross hadPosted by We 've been here exactly one year . Yes , a year ago today , we spent our first night in this little cottage . The wind was howling round the roof so loudly it felt like it could just rip off and blow away . I consoled myself with the thought that this was a 17th Century building , the roof had probably seen it all before . We lay awake amused that we could hear the cats playing on the roof , and occasionally sliding off it ! Two days later I mentioned this to Pongo . He said , " Actually it might not be cats , it might be rats . " I was astounded . That night we lay awake , having realised that what we were actually listening to was the sound of hungry rats chewing at the plaster in the eaves above our heads - roughly two feet above our heads , to be precise . Missis said it would be a shame to poison them . Our house hadn 't sold by then , and I had to resist a massive urge to up - sticks and go home . Let 's just say , we took matters into our own hands . The field next to ours has great big tubes of silage , and apparently the rats live in that . Well they can live in it , as far as I 'm concerned , and not in my attic . The joys of country life , eh ? I guess , every once in a while , everyone has a breakthrough somewhere in their life . This is mine : Some of you will know I used to loan and then own a beautiful palomino gelding called Crispin . He was the love of my life . He was a rare ' one in a million ' pony who never spooked at anything . I gave my heart to that horse , and he gave his to me , but in the end I had to sell him on ( to a lovely girl who adores him ) even though I wanted him to spend the rest of his life with me . I cried myself to sleep every night for eight months . Then there was a gap , until : Several years ago I was helping at Thornberry Animal Sanctuary and fell in love with a black and white spaniel there , who I took for walks in my lunch hour at work . I came home and told Mr O all about him and he very foolishly ( in front of witnesses ! ) said that if he was still there on Monday I could have him . I 'd told him how handsome the pooch was and he 'd assumed such a dog would be snapped up instantly . I ran back to the sanctuary on Monday and to my delight ' Prince ' was still there . I put my deposit on him there and then . Mr O 's only criteria was that Tessa had to like him , so we introduced them the following weekend , and they got on really well . I had walked this dog one day and he 'd pulled on the lead , and I 'd shouted , " Sam ! " as I pulled him back to me . I thought , ' where on earth did that come from ? ' but he became Sam the day he became mine . Sam knew that I 'd rescued him , and used to sit gazing at me adoringly . I loved him , and he loved me . Life was simple . He became known as Darling Boy and won my heart . Unfortunately we lost him last year , and the wrench has been agony . In fact , this is the first time I 've even been able to mention him since . No more ' darling boy ' for me . I have had Max for nearly six years . Until we moved here he was kept at livery , and a very nice yard it was too , with an indoor school , a large outdoor school , show jumps and a cross country course . Unfortunately , the price you pay for this , is that you start to become very competitive , especPosted by And so the winter morning routine begins . I crawl out of bed at 7am . Mr O has already brought me a cup of tea and gone to work . Tessa accompanies the tea upstairs and galumphs onto the bed for her morning snooze . I find some clothes and pile them on , then stagger downstairs . I call Tessa . Sometimes she leaps off the bed , today she opens one eye and looks at me as if to say , " You go , it 's only horses , after all . " I don 't need an alarm clock . I have a half tonne horse outside who is kicking his stable door , complaining that breakfast is very slow in arriving . I open the kitchen door , stick my feet into patiently waiting wellies and carry my tea with me . I walk through the garage and turn right , and Max , my horse , is there , wearing his best smile because he knows breakfast is imminent . He is not the door banger . I have never failed to bring him breakfast , and he trusts me . I dish out the first meal of the day , and all horsey heads vanish into their feedbuckets . Peace at last . Then the job I hate most . My key fob no longer works and so I have to use the handle to wind the shutter doors up . It takes ages , and my arms feel like they are going to drop off . I remind them that the day is just beginning . I love it as the door slowly rises and there is immediately a pet exchange . All the cats that were outside rush in , whereas Tessa , and a random cat , who has been inside , runs out . I have no idea why this is , but it seems an important ritual to them . Then it 's time to swap the horses ' stable rugs for turn - out rugs . Barnaby ( the door banger ) has to be done first . He insists on it . I tie him up so that he can 't barge out past me ( I learned that from last year , and he seems to have remembered , too ) . Eventually all six horses are rugged up against the elements ( 5 degrees this morning ) and Barnaby is first to go out ( I see a pattern developing here ) . It gradually dawns on Max that he isn 't going anywhere . He is miffed and throws his haylage up in the air to show his annoyance . He shoves me just to check that I really do want him to Posted by I am putting the television on in the mornings as soon as I wake up in the hope that this will stimulate me into getting up ( it doesn 't ) . Last week it said on the BBC News that a report had been issued that stated that Britain hasn 't recovered from the credit crunch and we are still in a recession . The next day I was listening to BBC Radio 2 when the newscaster said that , ' it is official that the country is now out of the recession . ' Excellent . The very next morning again on the BBC TV news , ' We ask why America has recovered from the recession , but Britain hasn 't ' . So which is it to be ? Have we , or haven 't we ? I have decided to join a large part of the nation and go on strike . It seems to be the trendy thing to do . The horses will have to see to themselves . Presumably one of them will have worked out how to open the shutter doors and let themselves out . One can muck out and the other can do the feeds . They 'll have to draw straws to see who wants to drive the tractor . After all , if postmen , dustmen and bus drivers can go on strike , I 'm sure I can , too . When we moved here it didn 't take me long to realise we are 2 miles from the nearest village . That would be fine except that the road that leads to the village is more or less a vertical drop . This is fine for getting there , but an absolute nightmare for staggering back up . And even if I do go , there is only a post office and a general store . Remember , I don 't drive , so I have to have a very good reason to go . Imagine my confusion when a delivery driver couldn 't be bothered to leave a parcel last week . My initial feelings of joy that I didn 't have to go all the way to Chesterfield were soon replaced by the realisation that the onus was now on me to walk down to the village post office and collect it . The parcel turned out to be a horse rug , huge and in a bag . This was fine , except that no matter how I carried the thing I couldn 't see over the top of it . The second mistake was that I took the dog with me . The trouble was I couldn 't see her over the top of the parcel eiPosted by Mr O has developed the habit of feeding the chickens spare bread at the back door . The result of this is that every time I open the door to go out I am harangued by six fat ladies who demand bread with menaces . This is fine when I have some to give them , but when I am empty handed I have taken to peering out to see if the coast is clear , and if they start running towards the door ( they seem to have remarkable hearing ) I get the urge to switch the light off and hide behind the sofa like you do when the Jehovah 's Witnesses come calling . Of course I 've thought of closing the gate , but chickens can fly , so this is no barrier . Unfortunately when we left for church this morning I realised I had forgotten my Bible and had to come back for it . I was in such a hurry I left the gate open and the chickens came running in with the determination of women who had been queueing all night outiside Harrods during the sales . I didn 't feel I could run the gauntlet going back again , so I ducked out through the garage door to avoid them . It 's basic cowardice , I admit it . I retract my comment of yesterday that ' no - one 's going to notice a Fiat Panda , are they ? ' because we went into the church coffee shop after the service where half way through my Americano frappe latte machiato a man came in and said in a loud voice , " Would the owners of the Fiat Panda please move it as soon as possible as you are blocking the exit ! " So much for anonymity then . After an initial visit to Paris , where I was smitten by all things french , my relationship continues to grow . I 'm learning the language , but also exploring french cuisine , fashion and film . Welcome to my little corner of Blogland . Put on the full armour of God so that you can take yor stand against the devil 's schemes . For our struggle is not against flesh and blood , but against the rulers , against the authorities , against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms . Therefore put on the full armour of God , so that when the day of evil comes , you may be able to stand your ground , and after you have done everything , to stand . The most beautiful place in Derbyshire , if not in the whole of Britain , in my humble opinion . That 's my bedroom window , second from the right . I can dream ! Actually we live about 10 minutes drive from here . |
I 've been writing stories for years . I think I 'm a good writer and I 'm willing to bet you 'll feel the same way . So here they are . Enjoy them , comment on them , tell your friends about ' em , reblog them , retweet them , reread them . I have four stories in my archive so far : " One day on the Mountain " , a story of Lycanthropy , a father , and a son . I have more stories tucked away ; they just need editing . There 's even a few novels . There will be more to come . PS . Feel free to leave a comment . I love comments . Wednesday , 22 June 2011 When rehearsal ended , Dennis ran downstairs to the Halloween party . There were plenty of sexy nurses and sexy cats . One guy had shoved dirty clothes into a garbage bag , strapped the bag to his pelvis , and walked into the party dragging a misshapen black dick across the floor . Dennis had no costume , but he had a twenty and beer was two bucks a piece . In front of him in the beer line - up was a girl dressed as a pirate wench . Long black hair , a red handkerchief on her head , puffy blouse unbuttoned halfway down her waist , and best of all , she 'd used make - up to invent a bloody gash in her outstanding cleavage . She caught him looking and he didn 't particularly care that she 'd caught him . He could read girls . Sometimes he felt like he wasn 't much good at anything , but he could read girls . This one had put a bloody wound on her cleavage like she was both proud and ashamed of her fabulous hooters . She was probably in general Arts , which meant she was a little aimless , unlike the girls in Sciences who had life planned down to each ovulation . She was alone and unprotected in the beer line - girls always went in bunches or sent male friends . She wasn 't here to have fun . She was here because she wanted some guy - any guy who had figured this out - to tell her she was beautiful . They talked for more than an hour , and danced together a bit , but only slowly ; he always leaned down and talked to her . The conversation seemed to flow easily , and the jokes he 'd told a thousand times to others were new to her . He bought her two beers and she could handle her liquor . He knew the other vocal students were rolling their eyes . Look , he 's at it again . His poor girlfriend . He did have a girlfriend . Davina was studying away in Toronto . She liked it when Dennis said she was beautiful but she didn 't need to hear it . She had plans for herself and Dennis . So what was he doing with the pirate wench ? Girls had their magic , but he was casting a very male spell : If he were single , this girl would have had nothing to do with him . But he had a fine girlfriend . He intended to take Murphy 's Law - that if something can go wrong it will - and make it work for him . If he came on to her , the worst thing that could happen for him and Davina would be if the pirate wench slept with him . If bad things always happened to you , they might as well be good bad things . Happily , he let this logic whirl around his head and suggested to the pirate wench ( Amy was her name ) that he walk her home . That was when he learned she had a roommate , that her roommate was here , and that he knew her roommate . Sally was the fattest girl in the voice faculty , and she didn 't have the tragically pretty face of many heavy girls . She had a weak chin , googly eyes , skin the color of old plates , and a raspy nasal voice that somehow became an astonishingly beautiful voice when she sang . He walked both of them home , and halfway there they went to Ben 's for smoked meat and coffee . By now it was close to three in the morning , and Amy sat in her chair under the bright lights and adjusted her cleavage like it itched . " A girl can do what she wants with her body , " said Amy righteously . Dennis knew that wasn 't true , not really , and from the way Sally was glaring , she agreed . You can do what you want with your body if you have a body you want . Sally didn 't want to show anyone her body and she probably hated it when other girls flaunted it . Dennis felt for her , despite everything . Dennis was heartbroken , and he shot Sally a look . He 'd done this a few times to friends of a girl he wanted . I 've been nice to you - pay me back and please go to bed early . " I do , " he said carelessly , as if he had no responsibility for where he was and how he 'd come to be here . I just drifted up here because you were smoking hot , so sorry . " She 's in Toronto . You attached as well ? " She never asked him exactly what he was doing there , sitting beside her in the large , silent building , and as they talked he sidled over and brushed aside the hair from over her neck and began to kiss the exposed skin . Her voice changed and got a little higher , and she gasped a little bit but she never pulled away . He kissed her neck for several minutes , marveling at her hair , which was a dark shiny brown . Finally he pulled away , a little dizzy . She still had said nothing about what just happened . " I 'd better go , " he said . " You need some sleep . " he walked her upstairs to her door . Just as she turned he leaned down and kissed her quick on the lips . " Goodbye , " she said , and closed the door . Subject : Ouch my head . . Slept til three this afternoon and I am completely disgusted with my lazy - ass self ! Then shopped and bought instant noodles , fake parmesan , and frozen OJ - student starvation fare . Are you going out again tonight , you mad woman ? Subject : Re : ouch my head . . . I was in no pain . The sickest I 've been was when I drank some off punch at a party last year . Now that was excruciating pain . BTW , did you have fun last night ? Subject : Re : Re : Ouch my head . . . I guess I got a little touchy - feely just as I was leaving . Sorry about that . Sometimes I have little self - control and that 's a common theme with a scoundrel such as myself . Maybe I should not have revealed that little tidbit . Sorry again if I shared too much . My , what is wrong with me ? Things continued in that vein for a few days until she invited him over . She had cable , and he only had a black and white TV that was easily a few decades old . She was a huge fan of The X - files and she hated to watch TV alone . So he came over on a Thursday and nothing happened . Sally was there too , and they sat on a futon coach that was half on the floor and watched Lost . Her apartment was warm and quite messy but nowhere near as bad as his . Sally seemed to know that she should go to bed , and Dennis and Amy stayed up , talked , sat beside each other on the futon that sat like a sort of cushion on the floor . Dennis flipped through a few channels and the pay - porn came on , green and purple because it was scrambled . It was still entirely clear , and for a few minutes they both watched porn . He grabbed her once or twice , kissed her again and gathered great hunks of her hair in his hands . Then he excused himself and left . She suggested they go to a movie over the weekend , and that she owed her boyfriend a call . Over the weekend they went out to dinner , without Sally , and took in a World 's Best Commercials movie . He thought he saw someone he knew a few rows ahead , and stopped worrying about it when the lights went down . Amy poked him in the ear with a tuft of her dark hair during the show . He slapped her hand away and tickled her ribs with his finger right where her tit began . " You are so going to get it , " she told him , and then settled into her seat . When the movie ended he walked out quickly and let her catch up to him . He felt like he was falling a thousand feet a second and it was just fine . He walked her home and followed her inside without asking . Sally was out , and Amy turned to him and tickled him . He leapt on her , knocked her down . Her breasts sprang up in his face and they rolled around the floor . Her legs spread , and all of him was pressed into her , and he breathed into her ear . He got up in case he might have frightened her , and she tickled him again and fell back when he pushed her down and tickled her back . They kissed a bit and he thought he had her figured out . Again he said he had to go . As he walked home he thought : Any second she 'll come to her senses and tell me to fuck off . " It opens as Love , Virtue and Fortune argue over who 's best . Love insists that he is best , and that he will prove it with the story of Poppea , who was the mistress of the Roman emperor Nero . Poppea seduces Nero until he kills his mentor , and exiles his wife , so he can crown his mistress the new Empress . Nero and Poppea sing a lovely duet at the coronation , and Love appears at the end , triumphant over Virtue and Fortune . " " A woman plays Nero , and men sing many women 's roles . Nero orders his teacher 's suicide because his teacher didn 't approve of Nero marrying his mistress . So his teacher pours a bath , slits his wrists on stage , and after his funeral Nero and his male lover dance and sing a naughty duet on his grave . " " It isn 't like anything you 've ever heard of . Of course , as lovey - dovey as Nero and Poppea are in the opera , history tells us that he kicked her to death when she was pregnant . And after the composer has had his go at the story , and the director has had his go at interpreting the composer 's and librettist 's story , you 've got something entirely new . " " Do you play a lead role ? " " He carries a spear , " said Sally . " He 's just a member of Nero 's death squad . " " I 'm onstage all the time , " he said . But Sally was already getting up and thumping off to her bedroom , like she knew what was going to happen . Dennis knew it too . You can only roll around the floor for so many nights . They got into a tickle - fight again within five minutes of Sally leaving , and this time they began kissing and didn 't stop . He ripped off her shirt , unhooked her bra . He took off his own shirt , and she grabbed him down below without him asking . Soon they were both wearing nothing but underwear , and kissing , and when he sucked on her nipples her eyes rolled up in her head . " I was thinking I wish I had a condom , " he said . Last chance . She wouldn 't have one , or she would finally come to her senses . " I have a jar of them over there , " she said . She pointed , and by the TV was a jar full to the brim with rubbers . Why would anyone have a jar of condoms ? What 's the point ? Why hadn 't he seen it before ? It had been there all this time . She gave him one , and he took off her panties , rolled on the condom ( he 'd been hoping to have performance anxiety but no ) , and had a quickie with her on floor . She was tight but she worked just fine . She had the same face as when he was sucking her tits . The floor hurt his knees and he became dimly aware that the building was old , and he could hear a rhythmic booming bouncing under the floor and walls that he soon realized was the sound of them fucking . He came after a few minutes , and left after giving her a quick peck . Awkward . Subject : So how about those Expos ? Sorry for getting back to you so soon after you - know - what . But I want you to know you don 't have to feel guilty . You didn 't force me into anything and I won 't try to take you away from Davina . I just wanted you to know that . And we can still be friends if last night freaked you out . Really , just give me a call so I know you 're not freaked out . Subject : Re : So how about those expos ? I 'm not freaked out . Well , a little . I don 't think that should happen again . It 's nothing against you personally . I still want to hang out with you . I like seeing movies with you , and I like having dinner with you . I 'm with someone else and I don 't to jeopardize that . But I get horny sometimes . A lot of times , actually . All the damn time , actually . So if we 're to hang out can we not wrestle and talk about your amazing tits , please ? That would be a start . We can talk about wholesome things , like the virtues of our incredible partners . Subject : Re : Re : So how about those expos ? That would be great . I like spending time with you as well . You make me feel safe . I 'm just a girl who does way too much for people . I look back at that sentence and it sounds dirty , but that 's how I am . I don 't think you 're a bad person for what happened . Shit happens . Shit just happens and don 't worry about it . Someone important is happening in the X - files mythos tonight . I could record it but I would prefer you to come over and we can make it an event . He did come over and they did nothing . He couldn 't stop thinking about how they did nothing , and kept on stealing glances down her shirt and she probably knew it . She switched through a few channels and there was the porn - all green and purple , and a tongue licking up and down some porn guy 's dick . He looked over to the side of the TV and saw the jar bursting with rubbers , like it was a conversation piece . But if he mentioned them it was all over . He left before midnight , but not before they endured a rather swollen silence at the door . Davina called the next day . She wanted him to come up to Toronto and he bought a train ticket that afternoon . That night he went to a party held by the opera 's assistant conductor , and the man served him two glasses of expensive scotch . He left before midnight , breathing fire from the peat swamp of heaven , and decided to walk the short distance to Amy 's apartment so he could tell her where he was going tomorrow . He thought that , after all he 'd put Amy through , she had a right to know . She was home , and Sally was out of town visiting family . Amy wore old jeans and a T - shirt that would have fit a small child . From where he stood he could smell her bodywash , faint and mingling with skin and the heat of her apartment . Her body jutted out from her old clothes and she smiled at him warmly . God , that hair , washing down over her shoulders and her shirt 's old cotton . On the floor in a long leather pouch was a row of knives held secure by rough thongs . Some were small enough to pare potatoes and cut garlic , other were long enough to clean and dress a cow . They gleamed and glittered on the floor like narrow little mirrors . " Wow , " he said . " I totally don 't understand . " " I sell knives . I 'm a saleswoman . You want to buy a complete set of kitchen knives ? I won 't lie ; they ain 't cheap . But you 'll have them for the rest of your life . Just look what they can do . " She took one from its sheath and shaved the down off her arm . She help up a piece of paper and moved it down upon the knife 's edge ; the knife cut it quietly in half like it might carry out an execution . When she brought a can from the kitchen the knife easily sliced through the tin and kidney beans dripped on the floor in a red mess . She put the knives back in the pouch and tickled him . He tickled her back and they went through the formalities . It was now one in the morning , and she soon grabbed the condom jar , and rubbed some lube on herself . She bent over to put away the lube bottle and he grabbed her hips , stuck it into her and began to pound away . She was short and curvy and he tossed her around the futon at all the angles he could think of , the walls shaking away . Afterwards they lay together . " What are you thinking of ? " she said , and with great affection he told her to just shut up . She pressed her cheek against his chest , and then her head went lower and lower . Slowly she took the head of his dick into her mouth . Four o ' clock in the morning now and she licked him up and down while he was still sticky . He grabbed the bottomless condom jar , and when he left it was six . " You going to miss me when you 're with your girlfriend ? " she said . " Hell yes . " Naked , she walked him to the door and they kissed a long time , and his hands wandered down . Her ass fit neatly in his hand with a taut curve of fat and muscle . He went home and slept for most of the day . The first thing he did when he woke up was to rub his hands all over his dick and then smelled his hands . They smelt of latex and he ran to the bathroom and soaked in the tub for an hour . After his bath the smell of latex was still there . He packed quickly and went to the train station . When he arrived in Toronto , Davina , blue - eyed and auburn - haired and dressed in a beautiful coat , met him on the platform and kissed him , told him she missed him . He hugged her and felt terribly alien , as if something he 'd always believed in was suddenly gone . They went home to her apartment and she was all over him : no wrestling , no hidden messages . Mindful of how he might have smelled down there , he pulled her back up when she tried to get down on her knees . She didn 't mind when he dispensed with foreplay almost entirely and threw her on the bed . " You could get a job here . Anything , and do your music in your spare time . Dennis , you stick with me and you 'll never go wrong . " " I 've got plans for us . I 've got a schedule to follow . That 's how the regular world works . Goodness , Dennis , all you talk about is how lucky your friends are when they get a little concert that pays a few hundred dollars . When I 'm out of law school I 'll have a secure job , and if you take my advive you will too . A lot of law schools would love a guy with a music degree . You could do copyright law , you could be a talent manager . You 're a smart guy and we could do amazing things together . We could have an amazing life together . " " You 're a handsome guy with a great bod , Dennis . You 're so charming that I 'm not even insulted by what you just said . But when you 're in forties , and you 're gray and you got a paunch , and mister happy down there isn 't quite so extraordinary , I wonder how you 'll feel when you 're still barely breaking even . It 's romantic to be a starving student when you 're so sexy at it , Dennis , but it won 't always be like that . " He was quiet for a while , resentful but impressed that she could pin him down so easily . Imagine the kids they might have together . Her brains and his . . . well , his height , his good skin . She wanted three , and he had always thought of himself as wanting what she wanted . They passed the weekend together , visited both sets of parent . He was an only child and his family was small . She came from a huge family and she had a gay drama queen younger brother and a sensible sister . He and Davina had a wonderful time together and when he came back to Montreal he called Amy and went straight to her place and that was pretty much how it went for several months . He visited several times a week . He always took a roundabout way to her building so no one saw him , but Sally must have talked because a lot of singers began dropping polite hints . Are you and Davina still together ? Are you in an open relationship ? I saw you with this girl the other day , is she Sally 's roommate ? Yes ? Okay . . . The sex became very good , or at least is seemed good to him because she was available any evening he needed her . He came over and watched TV until Sally went off to bed . Sally never got up late to go to the bathroom , bless her heart . Then it was off to the races and he pounded her as hard as he wanted and she never complained . Back home she had a circle of friends she always talked about . Damien was the hottest guy on the planet . Joel had AIDS and lived under the radar with several false identities . Aaron was older , rich and idle , who for fun once poked a stranger with a dirty hypodermic needle . Doug , now a single dad in his thirties , who had once been engaged to Amy when she was fifteen and he was twenty - five . The story about Doug really threw him , and he angrily told Amy the man was a loser and a pedophile , and why the hell did she keep talking to him ? As they got closer , they went out in public . She always paid , and used the pretence that she was buying him dinner to pay him for giving her advice when she shopped for clothes . A girl who bought him dinner , who was availible any time he wanted , who had tongue like a butterfly with Parkinson 's disease . She had that ridiculous tight , plump body like a peasant girl in her prime , and he began to think of her as his own private genie that gave him anything he wanted and never asked for anything in return . He lost a lot of sleep which he had to make up during the day , and he missed a lot of classes , a lot of voice lessons . After she told him about her friends , he started to think that he didn 't like her all that much . He wasn 't sure how that happened . He called Doug and Aaron and Joel her Superfriends , and hinted that they lived on a space station and made plans to keep the world safe . " Why is it each friend seems to be from a movie ? Your bad guy is out of Bond movie , your tragic friend is out of People magazine , and your good - looking friend looks like Brad friggin Pitt . Why can 't they just be people ? Then I 'd believe you . " She got huffy and started to cry , and he had to hold her , and that usually led to them banging on the floor . For some reason she never let him into her room . It was always in the living room , in front of the TV , the condom jar never too far away . The big fight finally came as Christmas neared . He was going out with his friends . They all knew about Amy , and had even tried to warn him away . The most understanding was Leo , who was a bit of a lech himself . He didn 't mind at all that Dennis had a piece on the side , but when Dennis suddenly left in the middle of a game of pool , he got angry and followed him outside . " You look like a fucking ghost , my friend . You 're wearing yourself out and people are beginning to talk . I 've tried to quiet it bit there 's only so much I can do . And really - doesn 't she have any friends ? " Dennis thought for a moment . He knew Amy was waiting at home because Sally was going out with her friends . What did he really think of a girl who relied on Mustang Sally for a social life ? Dennis prepared to take his secret route to her apartment . He got three blocks and then he turned around and headed back to the bar . He wasn 't committed to Amy , was he ? It 's not like he owed her anything . And what did she expect from someone like him ? Honesty ? Dennis stumbled home , more than a little drunk . The moment he opened the door he noticed his phone was ringing . He stared at it . How long had it been ringing ? He picked it up . " I was under the understanding that you would be coming over tonight . Of course , I could have been mistaken . Was I ? " Her voice was breathy and she spoke quickly , as if she were holding in tears , or really wanted him to know she was holding back tears . " I told Doug you would be stopping by and he predicted you wouldn 't . I didn 't believe him , I told him I had more faith in you than that . Do know how much you 've embarrassed me ? " When he arrived she was sitting on the floor of the living room . Her knife set was scattered across the floor like tiny glittering ghosts . She sat among pieces of her clothes that she had cut into pieces with the knives . Her bedroom door was open for the first time , but the lights were off and he could see only the light of a computer monitor , still and blue like a staring eye . " I 've been going through your Emails . " She spoke with a few small hitches but otherwise her voice was level and calm . " They 're in my archives . They 're pretty revealing , you know . Especially the most recent ones . I 've been trying to gather them up but the system won 't let me . I was thinking what Davina would say if I sent her a little present . " " I think this is it , " he said . " You 've been driving me crazy the past few weeks . I thought we were cool about this . I had my girlfriend and you had your boyfriend . Then you break up with him and all you have is me . " " You let me become one . You told me I 've availed myself of your services for no charge . Well , you had to charge something . Don 't look at me that way , sweetheart ; I 'm not calling you a whore . Everyone should set a price for their company and never budge . But you never asked for anything ; you never demanded I treat you better . You seemed to think that it was your right to be treated nicely . Well , I have news for you : I 'm legally impelled to treat a my dog properly - I have to feed it and clean it , and since it doesn 't have the fucking brains to ask me to be nice , I 'm nice to my dog . But you can feed yourself , and get yourself out the door without a leash so you can meet a guy who might treat you better than I do . You have to make demands ; that 's how it works ! " She was silent and he had a feeling he might have said something really terrible . Taken out of context , and put in , for instance , the student paper , what he had just said might get him lynched . Where the hell had he gone wrong ? he asked himself . Was it because sometimes she reminded him of a primitive fertility statue : all curves , with slits for eyes and a mouth so she couldn 't make demands or see him for what he really was ? And short little legs so she couldn 't stand up for herself . " This isn 't the first time you 've been with a guy who 's treated you like shit , " he muttered , as she sat in her little circle of rags and blades and stared at him . " Why the hell don 't you just break up with me already . Oh , wait - I forgot . You can 't because since I 've with someone else already , I wouldn 't be hurt . What a predicament . God forbid you just leave me . That would break all the rules . " " I sneak over several times a week and we have sex on your living room floor after we watch a new X - files and then the rerun . Sometimes we go out for dinner some place far off campus and I don 't let you hold my hand . That 's us in a nutshell . That 's how we roll . " " Just let us stay together until Valentine 's day , " she said . " Then I 'll go . I 'll tell you : ' If there 's ever anything I can do for you . . . ' That 's when you 'll know it 's over for us . " It was the end of November and he could see himself going on like this until February , sneaking about . Tell me what you really like and I 'll do it . Anything . She 'd just get worse and people would talk more , and some girl in the music department would give his girlfriend a call because she was ' concerned ' for Davina 's feeling . No , this couldn 't go on . " No , " he said finally . " This is over . I 'm sorry . God , I 'm so tired and I just want to go home , Amy . How is it you can stay up and talk about such exhausting things ? " If he had felt like an asshole before , he felt like a war criminal now . She had whispered it with the voice of a starving child . He almost gathered her in his arms right then , only he knew he would feel the solidity of her breasts against his chest , and of course she 'd let him do whatever he wanted . So he left , and hoped that he 'd never talk to her again . He hoped , really hoped , that she would meet someone new tomorrow , and later on tell him she 'd met the love of her live and he was in every way so much better than Dennis . And he planned on saying , " Congratulations . " - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Two days later he was in rehearsal for the newest production . The opera department had decided to go in the direction of musical theater , and they were doing West Side Story . Dennis , a little too squarely built and adult to be a teen gang member , had been cast as Schrank the detective . He had one great monologue , but other than that the role was a bust . They 've given him an officer 's cap and a baton , and he was in the midst of all the younger , more slender singers , demanding they tell him where you gonna rumble ? He was really getting into it when he looked into the empty theatre and saw Amy sitting in one of the middle rows . She appeared to be studying for her exams , and her attitude , even from what he could see from where he stood , was a little too casual , as if she 'd come here on a coin - toss . Amy probably didn 't have much to keep her busy , so it made sense that she was here . Except she had that forced but casual look . Except that he knew she was here because of him . After that knock - down fight they 'd had , of course she 'd be here . He 'd always thought he knew women , but now he wondered if he knew women when they were angry . Men were more simple : either they fought and someone won , or they forgave each other . What do women do when they are truly angry and they don 't have an out ? Why hadn 't he given her an out ? Maybe he could have bought a cheap plastic ring , got down on one knee , and demand they be married next week so he could start trying to knock her up . That would have given her an out . A long shot , a gamble , but that might have freed him . But now she was here , sitting there in full view of the whole West Side Story cast , who of course knew who she was . " Okay , " he said . . She brought out a huge bag of winegums , which she knew he liked . " Would you like some ? " she said . He reached in and grabbed a few , shoved them in his mouth . He had trouble resisting sweet things . That sort of attitude might have gotten him in his current predicament , he thought as he chewed . She watched him , and then grabbed several more and fed them to him . He ate them without thinking before he realized what was happening . " I have to watch the Godfather trilogy as part of my film course , " she said . " Would you like to come over and help me watch them ? I just need to bounce my ideas of someone . " " I know you don 't want to sleep with me anymore , " she said . But I do , I do . " But I miss having you come over . There was a time before you started having sex with me when we just hung out and did things . Played pool . Watched movies and went out for drinks . I like having friends . I 'm a good friend and I could be a good friend to you . " " Jesus wept , Amy , " he said , and got up to go back onstage . Now she 'll start screaming at me , he thought . I can 't believe I 'm walking away from someone with so much power over me . But I 've got to do it . I 'll never be free if I can 't make a clean break . When he got back up onstage he looked out into the dark . She was gathering up her books and bags so roughly he could hear them slamming together . He remembered reading someplace that angry people sometimes liked to make a grand , trampling exit . She made enough noise to make rehearsal slow down as the students watched her leave . That night there was a message on his phone . Amy 's voice came on . By they both had an ugly knowledge : she knew he didn 't want to hear from him , and he knew she knew and yet she was calling him . She sounded almost jolly . " Hi there , " she said , " I called to ask you a question . But you know what ? That 's okay , because you already answered it for me . You should probably get in touch with me to see what 's going to happen next . " " I know her first name and I know what 's she 's studying . I 've already looked up the names of ten different Davina 's who go to school in Toronto and I 'll just send it to them all . I 'll mention your name and apologize , either for wasting their time or because of you . It 's going to happen . " " You promised you would never do this , Amy . I 'm the bad guy here , I 'll admit that . But you 're going to hurt someone who had nothing to do with this . " " You gave me no choice . You owe me so much and I gave you every chance to make amends . " She began to sob . " All those promises you made to me . . . " " We were naked and it was four o ' clock in the fucking morning ! I 'd recite the cure for cancer and forget about it the next day . You can 't hold me to that ! You can 't be keeping score every single second you 're with someone ! " " You just don 't get it . I 'm not responsible for what happens next . You made all this happen . If only you met me halfway . If you had just agreed and showed that you were willing to try I would have let you off scot free . But no , you had to leave . You 'd had enough . Well , I 'm not done with you yet . Like you said , I have to state what my value is . If you 're not willing to pay , then maybe she is . " She turned and walked into her room . The blue eye of the screen flickered and he knew she had everything set up so that all it would take was the press of a button . " What ? " she said , and stopped . " You have no right to stop me . You 've brought this on yourself . Maybe she 'll forgive you but I doubt it . I think everyone will be better off once I do this . Me , her . Perhaps even you , Dennis . " She turned again and went into her room . He wasn 't really thinking when he leapt on her and brought her down where her head met the floor . It made a terrible sound and she never screamed . She only gagged and went limp , and he laced his fingers around the front of her neck and began to throttle her . He cried and talked to her , repeating as he squeezed and squeezed . The next hour was a blur : him thinking clenched thoughts as he wondered what to do . He didn 't have a car to take her anywhere , and he didn 't know how to hide a body . For half an hour he thought up and incredibly elaborate scheme where he put her body in the tub , slit her wrists , pumped her legs up and down to get out the blood , and then composed her suicide note . He thought he knew her well enough to think of a reason that he couldn 't quite think of right now now . He grabbed her , and the dead weight of her body , its cooling mass , the horrible way her head hung backwards with her hair dragging along the floor , sickened him and he gently lowered her to the ground and cried until dawn . Then he got up and left her on the floor . When he got home he showered and changed into comfortable clothes . He went to rehearsal and sat silent and ashen as the director ranted at Tony and Maria because they weren 't committed enough . Dennis found that he could get up on stage and peform his role as well as he ever could . He kept looking to the back of the hall , where the police were to come any minute and take him away . His life over ; Davina visiting him in jail one last time before she left him forever . Reporters coming to see him so they could get the details only he could provide . His mother and father arguing over which one was to blame for their only son who had gone so wrong . Should he just plead guilty and avoid bankrupting his mom , who would mortgage her home just to help him ? Would that get him a sentence in a prison that was a little more peaceful , where he could get time off for good behaviour and re - integrate into society with no tattoos and all his teeth ? He went onstage to face the Jets and the Sharks , and did his speech . Where you gonna rumble ? He turned , looked back into the house to see if the police had finally arrived . Instead , sitting in her usual seat , was Amy . Dennis forgot his lines , bent over , and retched bile all over Riff 's shoes . The stage manager rushed up and pushed him off stage . He made Dennis sit down , took his place , and performed Schrank 's lines . Dennis looked back and Amy was still there . He staggered to his feet and slowly made his way towards her . He hadn 't eaten breakfast and he was faint and weak . She looked at him blankly until he reached her . " You were very rough with me this morning , " she said . " You were very mean and I 'm sore all over . Don 't do that again . " " Don 't use that excuse . You were sober and you were very angry . You know what you did . Most guys will do it if pushed far enough . " " You don 't know what got into you . I know that . " She leaned towards him at him and said , " And I 've brought you winegums and I took out all the black ones . Be nicer to me . " - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - He wasn 't sure what had happened , and the more he thought of how little sleep he 'd had , and how much she 'd pushed him , the more he thought he might have imagined the whole thing . One thing was certain : They were together again . She never mentioned that she 'd been a hair away from telling Davina , and he never mentioned what might , or might not , have happened that night during the fight . They started the usual routine again . He came over to see her , and banged her sometimes until dawn , and mutely she let him do pretty much anything . They watched a lot of TV , and when he was home he made sure to call Davina and let her know he still thought of her . People stopped talking about them , and his friends stopped talking to him . In his free time , he went through his memories of that night again and again . His hands around her neck , she making that gagging sound and then not moving any more . Him crying as he sat on the floor by her body and she never breathed . He still treated her terribly , but he knew that as long as he stayed with her she would never complain too much . All he was left with was his time with her , school ( which he 'd been avoiding ) , and those meaningless calls and emails to Davina . And Davina never noticed that he seemed distant , or that he didn 't have much to say . Davina talked and talked , and he listened and said Hm - hm . The next fight came . Opening night for West Side Story was approaching , and Sally made her move . Right when he was putting on his make - up she walked towards his table and began yelling . " She had no choice . She didn 't feel like she could do anything . Her back was against the wall . Can 't you see the part you play in this ? " " How the hell is this my fault ? " he yelled , and he went straight to the kitchen where she kept her knives . He found the largest , dragged her into the bathroom , held her face under the tap to stop her screaming , and cut her throat . The blood gushed straight down the drain . She made a whistling sound as the air rushed from her , and soon she stopped moving . He left her in the tub , went to the kitchen and put the knife in the sink . Sally was not home and he wasn 't all surprised at what happened . He left the door unlocked when he left . West Side Story opened two days later . The audience gave a standing ovation , and when he came on stage to take his solo bow Amy was in the second row , clapping , her face blank when the time came when the applause was only for him . He nodded at her , just once , and when he came back to the wings the rest of the cast was staring at him like he was damned . She came to the cast party . She sat with Sally and Sally 's friends in the chorus , except for when she came up to him and whispered in his ear : You left the door to my apartment unlocked . That 's not very safe or respectful . As everyone was going home , he saw her looking at him . He ignored her , and as he left she began to cry and bury her face into Sally 's shoulder . Sally turned to glare at him but he was done . Later that week he killed her . This time he took her out to shore of the St . Lawrence and pushed her into the current . She fell backwards , looking at him on the way down . She hit the water amid chunks of ice , newspaper and sticks , and he swiftly walked away . The next night he walked by her apartment . She was there , letting herself in the lobby door . She looked half - starved , and her hair hung about her in frozen blocks , but upon turning she only looked at him with beseeching eyes . He followed her in and found her a towel while she slowly sat on the couch . - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - A terrible time passed . Christmas came and went . He went through the motions at home , going to dinners , hugging the right people . His own broken family seemed to think he was going through a difficult time , and didn 't ask him very much . His dad tried to interrogate him , but since his dad was mostly asking for his own sake Dennis shut him down . He went back in January and picked up where he left off . But Christmas had given him some time to think . He realized that Davina made him feel happy and normal . They walked down the street holding hands , slept in and made love all morning , took breakfast at the café and splurged on fresh - squeezed juice . He got used to living during the day and gradually lost the pallor Davina had noticed when she arrived . Soon , one morning after they had woken up and finally gotten dressed , he sat her down at the table . " I 'm getting a little sick of music , " he said . " Well , not music . The business . The hours . How would you like it if I moved back home so we could be in same city ? " " You 're right , " she said . " It took you long enough . But sometimes a girl has to wait for a guy to come around . Sometimes she has to wait for her guy to see the truth . I 'm glad you came around . " She reached across the table and took his hand . " How soon can you come ? Will you wait for the term to end and come back this summer ? " He made his plans , for what they were worth . He paid his roommate two extra months to get out of the lease . He snuck into the school and did as much as much paperwork as possible to leave . Then he walked back home . Over a period of six hours he rented a van , moved his meagre furniture into storage someplace on the edge of the island , packed essentials into hockey bags and suitcases , hauled everything onto the train , and bought a one - way ticket home . He kept expecting to see Amy , standing there in her green cloth coat , looking at him in that numb way that always made him want to stop and ask what the hell was the matter . But he never saw her . She 'd given him a few days to be alone with Davina , and now she was patiently waiting by her phone . Waiting for him to call and come over , and they could settle in to their pattern . He dropped off the van , went back to the train station and got on board . Slowly , the train moved , got faster , picking up speed . All he could think of was Amy , and her rage , as she waited , all night , before she decided to call him at him to discover he wasn 't there and he wasn 't ever coming back . Maybe , just maybe , she might get it and find someone else . What ever happened afterwards would not be his godamn responsibility . " Look at you ! Someone might think you lost your dog the way you 're looking about . . And you 're pale and you 've got these horrible circles under your eyes . You need a rest . " They went home and from that night he lived with her and she had no complaints . She always had had a wonderful apartment but now she talked of buying a condo to get into the market early . He heartily agreed with whatever she said . Two weeks later she 'd borrowed enough money from her parents for a down payment and they began condo - shopping on the weekends . He began a part - time job in a music store and began thinking of getting into teaching , or going back to school for some Science credits so maybe , just maybe , he could apply to medical school . It was as if something had given him permission to want more , and he loved it . But each day the ringing phone made him nervous . It was more likely she 'd call at three in the morning . He checked the mail ; he had trouble relaxing at their favorite restaurants becsue he half - expected Amy to walk in and start screaming at him . You made me feel beautiful and I 'll never forgive you for that . But she never came and gradually he began to relax . Once he could hear Davina answer the phone without desperately listening , and without wondering just how quickly he could get his shoes and coat , he knew he had it beat . He 'd gotten away with it , which according to movies and countless episodes of Oprah , was not supposed to happen . The weekend after he accepted his freedom , Davina insisted they make an offer on a fifth - floor condo in the east end . It was in a dodgy area , but it was large and the neighberhood was the setting for the Degrassi show , so that was a plus for them both . He made his first assertive move and insisted on lowballing , which nearly sent their realtor into crocodile tears . The condo was a converted factory loft , and Davina told him he was gambling with their future and didn 't speak to him for a day . He was left wondering if he 'd gotten away with it as he 'd thought . Perhaps a belayed punishment was coming . But the owners accepted their offer , and Davina jumped into his arms and they both went out to dinner that night . Later that night they didn 't use protection ; it was very obvious they did not use protection , but Davina did not talk about it at all the next day . She just stared at him happily , not speaking , and rather than feeling suspicious , he welcomed it . Her parents heard about their " real - estate windfall , " as they put it , and invited them both over for dinner . When he arrived he noticed the old china out , as well as the bottles of wine in sentry position down the middle of the table , which had on its leaves for at least eight extra settings . The collapsible chairs had been brought up from the basement , and a small kids ' table had been hastily made and placed in the hall with equally small chairs . This was a major family event , and Dennis had the feeling it was his and Davina 's honour . He fought the urge to run back out . He heard a storm of voices in the kitchen : Davina 's father bellowing with laughter , and the sound of more older men laughing back . He put his shoes by a row of other shoes that stretched along the foyer , and walked into the kitchen . Davina had beaten him there and was talking with her brother and sister . Her father saw him and immediately gave him a beer . He took it and began a count of how many he would drink , because he knew Davina 's father would be counting . He took one sip and felt a headache start . " Hey there , stranger , " said her dad . Davina 's dad was Irish , and he talked a lot but sometimes pressed a little too firmly on certain subjects . Now that Dennis 's music was gone and he and Davina were all but married , her father was far more friendly and even hugged him in front of her uncles . A director had once told him that in comedy , a good joke means you can leave a hero , so he left the kitchen abruptly and no one took offence . He went to the living room , where Davina was talking intensely with her sister . Her brother had commandeered the phone and was staring at anyone who came near , as if his conversations with whatever boy he was screwing were state secrets . Dennis sighed , and went back upstairs to see if anyone he knew was up there and willing to talk to him . Half an hour later , during which he sat on Davina 's childhood bed and leafed through old English assignments , he heard a tribal roar . Davina 's whole family . He thought he heard her grandmother 's deep and raspy voice down there too . " Oh my goodness , " he heard a voice say . " You are ? Really ? He has to make an honest woman out of you . " This time the roar was of laughter . " You rascal , " her father said to Dennis . " You don 't waste much time when you put your mind to something , do you ? She said you were serious , and that 's how it looks . " He choked back a tear . " My mother - in - law is here , but my mother is buried in Dublin , and how I wish she was here , so she could hear this news and know the family will continue . Thanks for adding a little brawn to this family , Dennis . I know you 'll make a great dad , and I hope you 'd do me the honor of . . . , " and here he paused and looked like he was about to run upstairs , " . . . becoming my son - in - law . " The applause from the family was deafening , and Dennis barely had time to think . He was amazed that he had caused so much happiness because of something he hadn 't known he 'd done . Then Davina 's father lurched forward and swept him up in an embrace surprisingly powerful for a small man , and Dennis was hugging him back . Some instinct made him smile and hold out his arm for Davina to join them , and her family applauded more . He never had said ' yes ' , but he supposed an answer wasn 't required . They led him past the landing , past all the pictures of Davina and her siblings , and to the dinner table where a bottle of champagne sat in an ice - bucket . He reached for it , but Davina 's father beat him to it and popped the cork to more applause . Dennis 's hands were getting numb . He wasn 't at all sure how Davina could possibly know she was pregnant so soon . As he drank a toast he told himself a great many things that just occurred to him , and he knew they must be true . If you tell yourself you are happy , then you are happy . If you go to church , and consider yourself happy and blessed because you did what the robed man told you to do , then you will answer on a survey that you are happy in life , and the statistics will say happiness is general . If you commit to a honest life and renounce your past , then you will think yourself saved and you will be . The first step is belief . Davina 's family knew Dennis and Davina would be happy and they knew better than him . He ate through the mashed potatoes to the plate that had belonged to her grandmother 's grandmother , and knew that for her family to evolve into something beautiful that had room for him they must have spent generations insisting on their own happiness . And maybe , just maybe , he could toss everything he hated about himself aside and just be one of them . That was why he was here , wasn 't it ? Only Dennis heard it . He looked at the table : all seats taken , and the children were seated at their minature table in the foyer . Her father had never looked out the window for latecomers ; all guests were present and accounted for . The sound came again , and the voice of Davina 's father rose above the clacking forks as he spoke around his food . He opened the door to a figure that stood just beyond the light . All he saw was the green coat and the dark sweep of hair that erased her neck and made her into a dark chess figurine . He took a breath to say something , anything that might solve it and turn back time . He felt that he was a flimsy and unreliable barrier in front Davina 's family as they ate turkey inside . She stepped forward and her coat fell away . She was naked underneath , glistening and covered all in red . Her hair fell upon her shoulders like sticky fingers , and in her hand she held the two blades . He recognized one . Her eyes were rolled up in her head and all he could see were vast pools of white staring out of ruby field of her face . His mind sputtered like a vat of drowning fish as she held the blade out and moaned tunelessly . He backed away , all words gone as she advanced into the light of the house and Davina was standing up and rubbing her belly . He stumbled past the table , not looking back . He knelt down and rammed his feet into his shoes . He could hear the droning buzz from the front porch grow deafening as Davina 's father rose and craned his head to look out the window . In the back yard he sank to his knees on the cool grass . A moment later he heard the voices inside rise in volume , and there came the deafening crack of glass and rent wood as the front door came down . He heard Davina 's mother rush the children upstairs . He opened his eyes and looked up into its seared and bloody face , at its mouth forced into a pinched red crescent . It dropped the two bent and dented blades before him and took him by the hand . A terrible strength drew him closer . Its breath was cold and spoilt . |
Jace was standing there waiting for his younger brother to show up . Just like Lucian to be this late . This meeting was important and someone 's life hung in the balance . He just had to find away to convince him to go with this . Might not be as easy as he thought . Lucian walked into Jace 's uptown office exactly one hour late . Traffic was bad , calls from the oldest boy 's teacher , and god forbid should their mother leave him alone about setting him up with some ' sweet young lady . ' Damn that was getting pretty old . So what if Jessica has been dead for nine years . . . That thought hung with him while he stepped onto the elevator and the standard crappy music played . He groaned at the sappy 70 's sounding instrumental piece that was assaulting his poor ear drums and his sense of music . He knew his brother , Jace worked pro - bono , but . . He couldn 't afford better music for the elevator systems ? He 'd have to donate some money for that . The doors swished open right about the time he considered how much to donate . How much would something like that cost ? He had not a clue . Without much though on where he was going , he managed to find his way down the office building corridor directly to his brother 's office . " Sorry I 'm late . . It 's been one of those days . " " Mom ? " Jace laughed as he rose from the waiting room lobby and escorted his younger sibling directly to his private office . " Yeah , yeah . Don 't let it happen again . " Jace waited for Lucian to take a seat in front of his desk . " Look , the reason why I call you was I need a huge favor . I have case that needs a job . " Oh how did Jace know ? A chuckle rolled through him as he followed , then slipped into a chair across from the older Marks brother . " You mean . . Doing what ? I don 't have anything open that isn 't on my property research team at the moment . " Sitting back in his Chair , Lucian crossed his legs and waited to hear his brother out even further . " Come off it , Luc . You really need a secretary . You 're spending more and more time at the office . You need someone to take a little bit of the work off your hands . You do remember you 've got kids , right ? " He slid a file case toward Luc and nudged him to take it . " Just read it . She 's a transsexual , she had a rough go . She 's been arrested for prostitution and if I can 't get her a regular job , they are going to throw her in jail . . With men . " Lucian 's brow rose . Transsexual . A man that dressed , acted , and otherwise saw themselves as women . Why ? Because they felt like women . How had Jace explained it to him , men with a woman 's brain . He slipped the file into his hand , opened it . " No fucking way this is a dude ! " It contained a simple picture of her and included her assumed name and her legal name . She was strangely very . . girly looking . Most transsexuals he figure he could tell one from the other . " She 's a sweet girl . Please . She needs help , and you need another pair of hands in the office . At least talk to her . " Jace was on that edge of begging his kid brother for the help . " Help me Obewan , you 're my only hope . . . " " Damn Nerd . . Fine . . . I 'll meet her . And let me see what skills she 's got and I 'll see if I can put her to work . " He closed the file and handed slid it back to Jace . Grabbing up is Iphone , he started going through the next days calender . " Have her at my office tomorrow afternoon around one pm . " After Lucian was gone , Jace picked up the phone to Call Marilyn . " I have a possible job for you . Dress as professional as you can , make sure you 're beautiful as always and I 'll pick you up around 12 : 30pm . " The nest day , as promised Jace Marks showed up at Marilyn 's at 12 : 30 pm right on the dot . He 'd give her all the information she needed . What floor , the office number , a Name . Everything she needed to get her foot in the door with this property development firm . And of course Lucian hadn 't forgotten either . Trying to figure out what things she might be able to do that really didn 't require any particular skill but to show up for work , and follow directions . Marilyn lifted her head from the pillow . She had barely slept at all . Too nervous . She 'd been arrested last week for prostitution , and it was her own fault . She had always been so careful not to allow herself to be caught by the police . She 'd been careless one time , and it had bitten her in the ass . They wanted to put her in jail with men . Her only hope of staying out of jail was if she could find a job . A real job . She had been trying to for ages , but once the fact that she was a transsexual was mentioned , any opportunity she came across flew out the window . They 'd conduct their interviews , polite but obviously uncomfortable , calling her Alexander the whole time , and saying that they would give her a call within a week . Of course , calls never came , and she was always working the streets again . She hated being on the streets . When she 'd been in the back of that police car , cops had treated her like she was out doing what she did by choice rather than desperation . They called her the wrong name , used the wrong pronouns , and made jokes about her gender the whole time . And she couldnt even say anything to them about it . She 'd sat there in silence , totally humiliated . Nobody ever offered her any help . Nobody helped her to get off the streets and stop living the way she was . The police just wanted to toss her in prison . They didn 't give a fuck what happened to her after she got out . She would only fall back to sex work again . Marilyn had always been wary of cops , even as a kid . She didn 't trust them then , and the way they treated her in the back of that squad car definitely didn 't make her want to trust them now . Then , a sliver of hope . She would not be thrown in jail with men if she could find work . She had accepted the deal , of course , and she was trying her very hardest to find something . Anything . She would scrub toilets if she had to . She had been assigned a case manager , and to her knowledge , he too , was trying to find her work . She had gotten a call from him last night . He had an interview for her . She looked a # 2 " It 's going to have to Mari . But don 't worry ! This guy your going to talk to , is on the up and up ! All you have to do , be pretty , smile a lot , and be willing to let him help you . This is working for a Forbes top 100 company . You 'll do great . " Jace hoped . He crossed his fingers , prayed , and even crossed his toes . Lord knew , Lucian better not let me down on this . He better , for one make this work . Jace escorted her to his broken down , crappy , falling apart Volvo wagon . Before she slipped in , he handed her a piece of paper . " Now when we get there , you 're going to nail this without me . " On that paper was written all the information she needed . What floor , what office number , and a name . Mr . L . Marks . Once everyone was nicely buckled into the car , Jace got them underway . " You need to think about whatever you can on skills . What can you do . Can you type , can you file ? Get coffee . . . Anything since I told him you 'd make a great secretary for him . " Maybe he shouldn 't have but Jace was stabbing at hope in the dark . And her working at fast food joints wouldn 't pay the bills , and a Strip joint wouldn 't hire her . She 'd end up back on the streets in just a matter days . Jace needed to keep her off the streets , to keep her fanny out of D - block . Within twenty minuets , they were pulling up to a high - rise building with tons of glass everywhere . With a Garden like entrance to the building , Jace pulled in and brought the car to a stop right at the front entrance . " Remember What I said . You can do this . Just be honest , be open minded , and be willing to let them train you . Now . You have ten minuets to get to his office and make this work . " The time was getting closer and Lucian was sitting there tapping on his paper pad , trying to think up of anything he possibly could that needed to be gone over prior to her arrival . The list was already massive . From office protocals , to how to handle the legal paper work such as her paycheck , down to something as little as how he would introduce her to the rest of his staff . He stood up , dropping his pen to the top of his desk . She shold be there shortly , and he slipped back into his sport jacket , adjusted his clothes , and pushed up his sleeve to check his watch . Marilyn nodded as Jace spoke to her . God , this was terrifying . She could feel panic bubbling up deep inside her . She was scared . What if she failed ? She would die . She would go to prison , and surely somebody would kill her there . Women like her didn 't fare well in general , she couldn 't imagine how awful prison would be , much less a men 's prison . She took a deep breath in an attempt to calm herself . " Okay , " she said confidently . " I can do this . I can . " She wasn 't sure if she believed it or not . She felt like she was going to throw up . She would have given anything for one of her brother 's pep talks right about now . Anything at all . He had no clue what was happening to her . As far as he knew , everything was fine . Marilyn didn 't want to worry him . He had finally gone back to school . He was doing something with his life . She couldn 't ruin that for him . She couldn 't beg him to come back and help her . He worried about her too much already . This would fuck everything up for him if he knew . " I can do those things , " she said to Jace as she slipped into the passenger seat of his car . " I 'll scrub toilets until they shine if he wants me to . And if I don 't know how to do something , I can learn . I - " her voice had developed a panicked sort of tone in the last few sentences . She stopped herself . " Sorry . I wong do that during the interview . I won 't mess up , I promise . " She just really hoped she would be able to keep that promise . The car stopped at a large building . It seemed like a nice place , much too nice for Marilyn to work in . She would stick out in there , she knew she would . She wasn 't used to places like this . But she nodded to Jace again and said , " I 'll remember , " before starting into the building , fingering the necklace from her brother hoping that it might give her some sort of confidence in herself . She looked down at the paper Jace had handed to her , and made her way to the appropriate floor and office . The door was shut , and through the foggy glass , she could see someone at a desk . She gave the door a light knock a # 4 So this was the woman from the picture . Taller than he pictured in his head , he simply stood off to the side and directed her into his lavish office with the wave of his hand . " Good to meet you . I 'm CEO Director Lucian Marks . " Maybe by now she 'd figured out that they were brothers , even if Jace was starting to go bald . He merely blamed his job for it . Sticking out his hands , he would take hers to shake before he again directed her to a chair sitting across from his desk . " I 'm glad you could make it . I hope you didn 't have any trouble finding our offices ? " Her hand was strangely soft to him , like a woman 's hand . He found himself trying to sneak looks to see if he make out the outline of her penis through her skirt . There was none . He wondered how she covered that up . Buttoning his sport coat , he smiled at her . " Before we get started , can I get you anything to drink ? I have Coke , Mountain Dew , and Seven Up . " Lucian was known to keep a small mini - frig under his desk with snacks , soda and the like for if and when the kids had to come sit at the office with him for a few hours . He slipped back into his plush office chair still thinking on how hard it was to believe , she was really a he . " We have a few things to go over here . And I need to you to answer to the best of your knowledge and as truthfully as you can . We 'll with you legal paperwork . Lets get the drivel out of the way first . " Sitting up straight into his chair , his hand were busy moving things around . " I understand that you are a transsexual . You prefer to use your female name and persona . Unfortunately , on a legal end . . . I still have to use you legal name and gender . However , since you are comfortable with your persona , I 'm more than happy to allow you to work here under the name and look you have provided for yourself . I will , in all honesty will try and keep your male name from being known . It 's really no one else 's right to indulge into your private life . On your pay check it will have your male name , Your W2 forms for taxes will have to as well . Insurance , any benefits you receive , shares in the firm , have to go in that name . " " If you ever manage to get your name changed . . And whatever else , we can always re - do all of the legal aspects to reflect that . So When I introduce you to the staff , I will introduce you as Marilyn Havanna . It will be up to you if you want to share anything else . " He was all business , little fluff about him right now . He flipped over the form he was writing on and then moved onto something else . " Skills . I need to know what you can do . And what I think you are willing to learn . " Damn , he couldn 't stop looking at her face . " Nice to meet you , " Marilyn said with a smile . He looked similar to Jace , at least in terms of his face . Same last name too . She figured they were related . She shook the man 's hand and sat down in the chair across from him . " I didn 't have any trouble finding the place , " she said . She noticed that his gaze kept traveling to her lap , and she crossed her legs , deciding not to say anything . It made her uncomfortable , but she needed this job . " No , thank you , " she said when he offered her something to drink . She wasn 't really thirsty , just nervous . She gave a nod when Lucian said that she would have to put her legal name on her paperwork . She hated the name , but she couldn 't afford to have it legally changed . She could barely afford to keep herself alive . She frowned when he used the word " persona , " but didn 't say anything . She hated the word . It made it sound like she was putting on a character , like she had changed everything about herself once she had begun living her life as she saw fit . She was the same person as always . " Thank you , " she said when Lucian said he would keep her old name from being known and would introduce her by the one she used . " I would appreciate that . I would really rather not share anything else if I don 't have to . I don 't want to make anything more difficult for myself . " Her very existence was difficult for her . People like her weren 't fully accepted just yet . Far from it , actually . It made everything hard for her . He asked what she could do . " I can do anything you want , really . I can type , I can file , I can answer phones . I 'll clean bathrooms if you want me to . I can get things done fast and efficiently , and my people skills are good . I 'm a fast learner , too . Anything I can 't do , I can learn . I 'm really not shut off to a whole lot . " She scanned Lucian 's features as she spoke . He was really nice looking . Had her circumstances been normal , maybe she would have , at some point , thought about a relationship with him . She put the thought out of her mind . She was anything but normal , no matter how much she wanted to be . Men weren 't interested in girls like her . Not unless they were chasers with a fetish . She wasn 't sonebody 's fetish to toy around with . " Now hold on and breathe for me . I 'm not going to ask you to scrub toilets . " At this point Lucian realizes the situation was dire in her mind . She 's clinging to desperation , and from what Jace had explained , being thrown into a prison of men would have put her in more danger than walking the streets as a hooker . " We 'll start there . I 'll have you do some typing , filling , answering my personal phone line . " Scribbling something down on the pad of papers he looked up at her . " You have a driver 's license ? I may need for you to run some personal and business runs for me . " He had another idea that popped into his head . Maybe a personal assistant . He wanted to test her out first to make sure she could handle the busy life he lead just at the office . He sat back in his chair and chewed on his bottom lip , a sign he was in deep thought . His mind drifting away for a moment , she was very beautiful and if she 'd been a ' real ' woman , he would have just asked her out on a date . A bombshell with long legs . His favorite kind of woman . His phone rang and it jerked him out of his thoughts . He wouldn 't bother to answer it and he allowed it to go into voice mail . Only to have his cell started ringing . He fished it up out of his pocket and started at the caller ID . It was the school . Oh Lord . What has his child done now ? " I 'm sorry , I have to take this . Give me just a moment please . " Quickly he was pushing himself out form under his desk and answering the call . She 'd hear his side of the conversation as he walked to the other - side of the room . " Yes Mrs . Johnson ? " He stood there , looking out over the skyline through the ceiling to floor windowed wall , and she could see his body read he was frustrated . " He did what ? Okay , slow down . What happened ? " His head would nod . " So this kid he beat up called Phil a Motherless Fag . . And then he what ? " It was shocking . And then be busted out laughing . " He tea bagged him ! Are you serious ? ! " He was still laughing but that quickly ended . " I 'm sorry , Please . . I know the situation is Serious Mrs . Johnson . . But My question is this ; why was that boy ALLOWED to use that word ? What exactly are you teaching these children ? We don 't use words like that in our home , and the boy honed in on the fact that his mother died . Regardless , I 've had Phil tell me this same boy has been bulling him at School . I 've been down there 15 times in the last two months with nothing being done about it . So excuse me if I 'm not sympathetic that he ran his mouth one too many times and Phil retaliated . He stood up for himself and I 'm damned proud of that . I will send his grandmother to collect him from school , and You will be hearing from an attorney if you try and make this suspension stick . It 's up to you as teachers and school staff to stop these kinds of things form happening and from what I can see , you 're not . You need to own up to you 're own failure . Good bye , Mrs . Johnson . " He ended the call and busted out laughing again . " He 's been hanging out with Jace too much . " Then he called his mother , asking her to please go get Phil from school . Marilyn was quiet as he told her he wasn 't going to make her scrub toilets . She was desperate , and she was sure it was more than obvious at this point . She was never going to get this job . Desperation didn 't help anything . Of course , she was so used to being desperate . The way she had grown up , her entire life had just been a whirlwind of desperation . Desperate for her parents to love her , desperate desire to wake up with the body she had been born without . She hadn 't become a prostitute because she 'd wanted to . She 'd been desperate to stay alive . " I 'm sorry about that , " Marilyn said quickly as she tried to calm herself down . He asked if she had a driver 's license . She did , though she hadn 't driven in ages . She didn 't have the money for a car . The liscense still listed her legal name and sex , and if she could avoid using it , she almost always would . Now wasn 't the time for her comfort though . " I do have a liscense , " she said . " I could do business runs . " Lucian 's phone rang , and he walked off toward the other end of the room . She could hear his end of the conversation , and her eyes widened as she heard what had happened . Lucian hung up and returned to his seat , and before she could stop herself , Marilyn said , " Kids are mean . It 's good your kid knows how to stick up for himself . " She stopped and felt her face redden . " I 'm sorry , I shouldn 't have been listening . " She was just digging one huge hole for herself . Kids had been mean to her all through school , but late elementary and middle school had been the worst by far . She was picked on for everything , but her feminine mannerisms had been the most popular target . Alex walks like a girl , Alex talks funny , Alex is this , Alex is that . She had worn makeup to school once . Stolen it out of her mother 's bathroom . That had been an invitation for everything . Taunts , beatings , the works . School had been hell . She had never gotten the courage to defend herself . She had only learned to once she 'd wound up on the street . He smiled as he re - took his seat at his desk . " No , it 's alright . Phil has been going through . . Something . I 'm not sure whats going on with him . I don 't remember being such an angry child at 11 years old . " He started to sit back again . " But then , I wouldn 't have thought to tea bag the fuck out of someone either . . " Maybe it wasn 't the age but the age they were growing up in that filtered into this nonsense . Lucian smiled again , lighting up his face . " Alright , so where were we ? " " I 'm going to be perfectly honest here . My life . . Is a train wreck going to straight to hell if I can 't get a hold on it . I 'm so busy I don 't have time to even blink , Date , Drink , or deal with my boys . And the latter I miss a great deal . They are going up and I 'm missing it . I 'm going to give a trial chance here . Show me you can do the basics , and I 'll advance you to being my personal assistant . For right now , I 'll have you do my typing . Because I hate typing . . You 'll be answering my phone line directly to my office , and . . You 'll be greeting my clients . We 'll say in 90 days , if you show me you can handle that , I 'll start slipping you to my personal assistant . " Snatching up his pen , she wrote something down . " As a personal assistant , you 'll be responsible for keeping my life on track . Making sure I 'm not over booking myself , and I 'm making time for the boys . You 'll go to all of my meetings with me , client dinners , and social functions that have to deal with the firm . So that 's what you 'll be working toward . " Marilyn thought for a moment when Lucian said that he didn 't remember being so angry at his son 's age . Marilyn remembered herself at that age quite well . She had been lonely , and her gender issues had complicated things even further for her . She had never been able to talk to anybody about how she felt . Nobody understood it . So she 'd bottled it away and tried to cope with it . It had made her into an angry , mean teenager . " It 's a difficult age , " she said after a moment . Then they were back to their job talk . Lucian was busy , and he needed an assistant . Marilyn wasn 't surprised . It seemed like he was busy . This job probably demanded a lot from him , and Marilyn knew that she wouldn 't want to constantly be swamped with work if she were in his place . She would want to spend as much time with her family as possible . She was quite jealous of what he had though , not that she 'd ever tell him that . She got jealous a lot . Jealous of cis women for having the bodies she had always wanted but would never quite have . Jealous of people with families who still loved them and would never reject them . She wished that she wasn 't jealous . She wished she could just be happy . She wasn 't dead yet . That was something , right ? That was good . But it was definitely not something she should have to worry about as often as she did . He would give her a chance . A ninety day trial period to prove she could do what he needed her for . She felt her heart leap . She could do this ! She could do this and it would keep her out of prison and she would never have to work the streets again ! No more sex for money for her . She nodded as Lucian spoke . " I can do that ! " she said . " I won 't let you down . " Lucian would pass along any paper she needed to complete and sign . After that he gave what time to be there for work and saw her to the elevator . He smiled , he was hoping she wasn 't going to let him down . It was late . Too late for him to be out and yet here he was driving home at nearly midnight . The business social event had gone on late into the night and it hadn 't helped he 'd down a few drinks . Meeting some very beautiful women that were all single , possible dates . Lucian recounted that he had been smooth , he still had what it took to get a date as his car rolled to a stop at the light . But then his mind shifted , thinking about Marilyn and how well she was doing . Except for the last few days . She 'd seemed tired and worn out . Lucian hand 't spoken on it , it happens to everyone and that included him . Even then , Lucian was please with the work she did . She was on time , efficient , and even his male clients loved her when they came in . He could figure out why . She was easy to look at . Lucian always found himself taking sneak peaks at her , even when she bent over and that both scared the hell out of him and confused him . He knew she was in fact a he , but he couldn 't help how damned beautiful of a woman he made ! She was prettier than nearly all the other women at his firm . Every other day , Jace would call . Cheeking in how she was working out . Few knew his older brother was gay , and still in the closet from their parents . It didn 't seem to bother Jace that his parents thought that one day they 'd get grand kids from him . Which was the furthest from Jace 's plans . He had his boyfriend , they enjoyed their childless lifestyle , but they could take the next step because of Jace 's need to keep his parents in the dark . It constantly caused problems between them . With that thought , as the light changed and he started to pull off , his eyes caught something familiar . Marilyn ? Was that her ? " But I have a job now ! I 'll be able to pay you ! Please don 't kick me out ! Just give me another week or two and I 'll have the money to pay off the rest of the rent , I promise ! " Marilyn threw her bag down onto the cement floor of the gas station bathroom . It hit the ground with a thump , and she turned back to the mirror as she tried to erase any evidence of the fact that she had just been crying from her face . She 'd had no makeup on aside from a bit of eyeliner , but it had smudged from her repeatedly having wiped at it . Homeless . Again . And she had almost had enough money to pay her rent . It had been a week since she 'd been given the boot , and she still wound up crying in the gas station bathroom before she went out for her sex work again . This wasn 't supposed to happen to her ! She was supposed to be done with this ! She was supposed to have started on her way toward a normal life finally . But instead she was dealing with all of this shit again . Still getting fucked for money . What if she got caught again ? Then it was going to be prison for sure . But . . . it was either prison or starving to death . Most of her money had gone toward paying her rent . She 'd given the motel owner what she could , and he 'd taken it and still kicked her out . She was so stupid . She was right back to where she had started . She wiped her eyes again and changed into her street clothes , the usual corset , shorts , heels and fishnets . She looked at herself in the mirror for a few minutes to be sure she wasn 't going to start crying again , and then did her makeup . It was more dramatic than what she wore every day . She grabbed her bag and slipped out of the gas station , the pimple faced teenager at the counter hardly even noticing her . His eyes had gotten a better look at her when she turned to look at him in the car . It was her . Standing there under the street lamp , the light played off her blonde hair . His foot slammed on the brakes of his car and the car came to a stop . He was still staring . With the attire she had on there was no way he couldn 't believe she was there hooking . How could she after everything Jace had done to help her ? There she was , flaunting herself like a two bit whore . Anger welled up inside of him , not for him , but over his brother 's hard work to help her . Lets not mention if any placed her with his firm , he 'd be ruined . But he had money , he could live the rest of his life and never work again while still maintain the same lifestyle he already had . Jace didn 't get paid if she went to prison . That 's how it was . He 'd drive off , circle around to come back . When the sleek black BMW with tinted windows pulled up beside her on the curb . " You 've got ten seconds to get in this car Miss . Havanna , or you are fired . " His voice said he was very serious , that this situation was dire and if she didn 't comply , she 's not only be homeless , but jobless as well . After she got into the car , he 'd didn 't pull off the curb . Instead he sat there on his phone , texting . A long tense silence hung in the car between them before Lucian took in a deep breath . He had to get his thoughts and his temper under control . " I don 't know what is going on , but Why . . . . " He shook his head . " Just what the hell do you think you 're doing ? Did nothing Jace say to you sink in ? Is this some sort of addiction for you ? " He didn 't understand . But he was a whole lot more pissed off about than he should be . When she saw who was driving the car , Marilyn froze like a deer in headlights . No . Not Lucian . Out of all the people who could see her , not her boss ! She needed to keep her job . She had to . It was all she had that could possibly get her out of the hell she was living . She didn 't say anything when Lucian told her to get in the car . His words finally registered with her after a full three seconds of frozen staring and she slowly slipped into the passenger seat of the car . She held her bag on her lap , having struggled to hold it in her shaking fingers . She hid her face in her hands and tried to hold in her terrified tears . She 'd fucked up . She 'd fucked up so bad . She really hated herself sometimes . Being the way she was . Her life could be so much more normal . She could have her family still talking to her and probably enough money for an apartment . Now she was going to be both broke AND homeless . She was starting to feel sick . Lucian finished his scolding and looked toward her , clearly expecting an answer . " I 'm sorry ! " she said . " Please don 't fire me ! Please ! I don 't . . . I don 't like this ! I hate doing this ! I - I don 't want to go to prison ! " She let out a small squeak as she tried to keep herself from bursting into tears . " I got kicked out of the motel last week because I couldn 't pay the rent and the owner took all my money and I just want to make enough to stay somewhere again ! I 'm starving ! I just don 't want to die ! I 'm not ready to die yet ! I 'm sorry , Lucian ! " She buried her face in her hands again , her entire body shaking once again . She was such an idiot . She always managed to fuck up every half decent thing that happened to her . Maybe she was just a giant fuck up . She was never going to be normal . She was going to end up homeless for the rest of forever . She deserved it . She just wasn 't meant to be safe and normal . He just simply froze , his temper had gotten the better of him and now she was sitting there , starving , shaking all over , and nearly in tears . Lucian Marks you are a bastard . . . His thoughts rang out in his head . His arm reached over , slipped across the back of her shoulders and pulled her to him in a soft hugging embrace . " Don 't cry . . Just don 't cry . " He 'd sit there for the longest moment , trying to settled the information she 'd dropped on him . " Why didn 't tell Jace ? Or come to me ? If you needed an advance on your check , I would have done it . " The tone of voice had taken a different approach . He wasn 't yelling . Now he was warm , kind , and caring , trying harder to understand how she ended right back into this mess . It couldn 't have been more than a few moments , when the nighttime sky decided to open up and start pouring rain . " I 'm sorry . I surely didn 't mean to yell at you . " Sometimes he had remember , this double life she lead was rough on her . Lighting streaked across the sky just second before the thunder hit , shaking the car . Lucian had lifted his head to watch the people scurrying to hurry up and get out of the raging storm . " Looks like I found you just at the right time . . " Lucian wasn 't looking at her , and if she was still curled up in his arm , he hadn 't tried to move her . Marilyn felt tears start to spill over and fall down her cheeks . Fuck . Now she was crying . In front of her boss too , things just got worse and worse as this night went on . Lucian put an arm around her and pulled her into a hug , and she felt some of her panic fall away . He didn 't sound so mad at her anymore . Maybe he would let her keep her job after all . She was still shaking and couldn 't will herself to stop . " I 'm so sorry , " she whimpered softly . " I didn 't mean to get back out here . I never do . I didn 't become a hooker because I wanted to . I hate it . " " I didn 't say anything because I didn 't want to bother anybody . You 'd already done so much for me just by giving me a job , I didn 't want to ask you for more money . I thought maybe I could convince him to give me more time since I finally have a job . I was wrong . " Her stomach was still growling . She was back to eating as poorly as before once again since she didn 't have any money . Her happiness had been short lived . " Don 't be sorry , " she said , turning to stare out the window as the rain began . " And I guess it is good you found me . Rain makes my makeup run . " She caught her reflection in the mirror and saw that her eye makeup had indeed started to run . " Too late for that , though . " She dug through her bag for her pack of makeup wipes and pulled one out . " I look like a damned raccoon . " She cleaned up her running makeup and shoved the wipe away again . She jumped at the sudden loud clap of thunder , startled , and then pulled away from Lucian 's hug . " I 'm sorry for crying , " she apologized quietly . " I 've never been much good at dealing with my emotions . I either yell or start crying . My life is just an emotional roller coaster . I 'm just trying not to end up dead the same way I 've been trying for years . " " I know . . I know . . " He still continued to comfort her the best he could . " Marilyn , You can 't be scared to ask for help sometimes . Even I have to ask for help . " The empty arm she 'd left him with was dragged back to his own side and the hand placed neatly back on the steering wheel . " You look fine . . " His arm felt empty again . " When was the last time you ate ? " The rain wasn 't letting up , Lucian flipping on the wipers to help clear the windshield sow he could see what was going on in the front of the car . " And for now on , Marilyn . . I expect you to let me know when you 're in trouble . I can 't help you and neither can Jace if you can 't open up and talk to us . We 're not here to hurt you . I swear , I 'm a nice guy . Jace . . . Watch him , he might try to look up your skirt . " There was a light humor in his voice as he tried to change the mood , the tension that was bouncing around in the inside of his car . " Don 't feel bad . I think that 's pretty normal for most human beings . We call it human nature . Don 't be a shamed of it . " Lucian offered her a smile and place the car into gear . " We can fix this Marilyn . . You trust me ? " Lucian asked when the last time she 'd eaten was . She realized that she wasn 't entirely sure . She hadn 't had a proper meal the entire week . " I don 't know , " she said quietly . " I ate a bagel earlier this week . . . like three days ago . Or maybe it was four days ago . " The stress of her life made everything together in her head . She was exhausted almost constantly , whether it was from lack of food , lack of sleep , or both she wasn 't entirely sure . Probably both . " I 'm so tired of being afraid all the time , " she mumbled , mostly to herself . She was . She was very quiet as Lucian told her she needed to ask for help . She laughed softly at his comment on Jace . She knew that they were supposed to be helping her , but there was a part of her that was always wary . She was so used to being scared and defensive . Her life depended on it . She was petrified of dying the same way that Tammie had . Lucian asked if she trusted him . She wanted to . So far he had been nothing but kind to her , which definitely helped in his favor . She wasn 't sure that she fully trusted anyone though , aside from her brother . She was just used to being hurt by people . She was a human punching bag , that was the best way to put it . She wanted so badly to live a normal life , and so far , Lucian had proven himself to be trustworthy . So after a few seconds of complete silence , she turned to him and gave a nod . " I trust you , " she said . Sitting back in the driver seat , he was in deep thought over what to do next . She wasn 't eating , she had no place to go . Sure , he could just toss money at her . Throw her in another sleazy motel room and hand her a few bucks . But what that solve ? It was just slapping a band - aid on the situation that would at some point lead her right back to here . Having been taken advantage of , and sleeping on the streets . The hour was growing late , too late for much left to be open and he 'd promised that he would be home at a decent hour . The boys were staying with his parents which meant no one was home . And he 'd not have to deal with his mother about ' bringing women home ' with the boys there . " This is what we 're going to do . You - " He pointed at her , " Are going to come stay at my house until we can get you a decent apartment , in a decent neighborhood that you can afford . " Shifting into the seat , " You have everything ? " Lord knew , if that was all she owned , there was going to have to be some type of shopping trip . He 'd try to be more giving , it wasn 't like he helped people on this level every day . The car suddenly was moving , rolling off the curb to start heading down the street . " It 's late . . You can grab something from the kitchen when we get there . " Marilyn sighed as Lucian spoke . She didn 't want to bother him by staying at his house and eating his food , but what choice did she have ? To stay on the street and starve ? It wasn 't like she had anywhere else she could go . The majority of her family had stopped being her family long ago , and she couldn 't disrupt Devin 's schooling again . It wasn 't fair to him . She kept her gaze locked on the floor of the car , and there was silence between the two of them for several minutes before she spoke again . " Okay , " she said softly . " Thank you , Lucian . " He asked her if she had everything , and she looked back at her bag . It held everything she had , which wasn 't much . " Yeah , " she answered . " I have everything . " Some clothes and other essentials , as well as a few other things . She couldn 't afford much extra . Most of ehat she made wound up going toward food or other things she needed . It had been so long since sne 'd actually set foot in a house . Her work was mostly done in her motel room , or trashy hotels . Her last venture into a familiar house had been just after she had left home . She had gone back to get some of her things . It had not gone well . Perhaps that had never been her home . Her family had only cared for her on their terms . Her motel room had never been home either . You weren 't supossed to hate going home . Maybe she had just always been homeless and never realized it . Iwaku is a roleplay community . We don 't just write stories - we live them ! Roleplaying is stepping in to the life of a character and experiencing what they experience . Here on Iwaku , we 're all about giving you the freedom to write anything you want while providing a safe and friendly community to do it in . Our site contains forum roleplay , chat roleplay , group roleplay , private roleplay , as well as other methods for living your stories . We are a community ran by REAL PEOPLE ! We are not a corporation or a company . Our server , domain , and software licenses are privately owned and paid for 100 % out of our own pockets . To help pay for these monthly costs , we are more than happy to take donations from members in exchange for super spiffy extra tools and features on the boards . For more information you can view our Donating FAQs . |
Incirlik AB I 've started transcribing the copy of the " Zero Journal " we intercepted . It 's been through a few generations , and of course , due to its nature , passed through many , many hands . Apocryphally the Zero Journal was started by a Turkish soldier who was party to the Incirlik response . It has been passed from individual to individual since then , with each adding their own experiences before passing it on ( often posthumously ) . The questionable translation and amount of blood and other damage are making the project slow - going . grndsnjrnl . zip My grandson brought me this notebook . He 's been very good to me , since my daughter died . She tried to keep me from watching the TV the weeks before she was killed . She was sweet , but she treated me like a child since I broke my hip puttering in the garden . She was nice enough to ask me to move in after that , but she couldn 't accept I needed autonomy , too . And she couldn 't protect me from the truth : the world is ending . I don 't know if I should believe Brother Smith , that it 's the judgment come down from God , but the dead have reason , and they 're hurting the living , and not for nothing that is in Revelation . My daughter , Rose , not my grandson 's mother Sharon , worked at the Woolen Mill until she retired , and then she started working at the Walmart as a greeter . She loved her job , but I wanted her to quit . It wasn 't safe , with monsters wandering in the streets . My grandson wanted me to write about my experiences . He told me , " You 've seen so much history . I don 't think the world is over , but maybe we won 't get another chance to record everything you 've seen . And you 've seen so much , grandma . It would be a shame for all of that knowledge and wisdom to be seen . " It was sweet of him to say , but I 'm not knowledgable or wise , I 'm just old , with a lifetime 's worth of mistakes and regret , which don 't amount to much . But I 'm writing . I met my husband , Phil , just after the war , or maybe I knew him before , but I really got to know him after . I don 't know . I know I went to work as a seamstress as soon as I 'd graduated , because my family needed the money , and everybody had to help fight the Jerrys . Phil and I were so in love . And we were young , and the world was bright and beautiful and new , and even though the war had killed a lot of people , he hadn 't been so much as scratched . And the economy was good . And everything just seemed so perfect , and I thought that we 'd be together for the rest of our lives , that we 'd be an old married couple . But he died , cancer . And we had two beauMy grandson , was one of them , and his younger brother . I haven 't seen his brother in years , and I haven 't seen my grandson in a week . I can take care of myself . I can make it to the bathroom , I have my stool in the shower . Cooking takes a lot out of me , but I can sit in a chair in the nook when I 'm not stirring . But I miss my grandson . He usually doesn 't take more than a few days between visits . And he was supposed to bring me a book . Nov . 9 I must have fallen asleep in my chair in the frontroom . My grandson asked me not to do that . He said that the dead people could see into the windows , that if they saw anyone inside it would make them mad , try to find a way inside . It was cold when I woke up , so chilly I thought there was a draft , andit was still very dark outside . I looked to the sliding glass door onto the deck . It was closed . I wondered if someone could have opened a window in Rose 's old bedroom , or broke into my bedroom . I wanted to make some cocoa , or go to bed , but I was terrified that someone had gotten in , terrified to know for sure if my home was no longer safe , so I covered myself in the afghan I 'd been knitting for my grandson 's girlfriend . After a few minutes I fell asleep . And I woke to the sun shining onto my face through the window . I had not been killed in my sleep , had not had my home ransacked or invaded . Out of habit , I opened the fridge , already tasting fresh milk or orange juice on my tongue , smacking my lips , but the smell from inside the fridge was rancid , even though we 'd thrown the food out almost immediately after we lost power . I took a box of already stale raisin bran from the cupboard and walked to my chair . After the first week , when rationing started , I stopped writing in the crossword puzzles in the paper . I figured that way I could do them again , and again if I had to . I think that came from growing up in the Depression . Depression … I really enjoyed being a grandmother . And it was so much different from my own childhood , my own lack of plenty . Even my daughters , we were poor , and not poor in the way its meant so much today , but truly poor . There were days before Phil died where he or I wouldn 't eat , so our daughters would have enough food to be healthy . I don 't mean to say that for anything , save to say it was a different kind of poor we were . And my daughters were very sweet . I wanted to do more for them , to give them more , but it was as much as we could do some years , just to get them new clothes for school for Zero Journal 066 their birthdays . And they never complained , though I know they must have been teased in school for it . I 'm choking up at the thought of my daughters ; I hope my tears don 't ruin the writing too much , and I know my old chicken scratch is already hard enough to decipher . It 's so hard to think of Rose . She had such a hard life , married to Al . I never believed in divorce , but that man , that man taught me that sometimes divorce is necessary . Rose was always such a good wife to him . She worked . Raised the children she bore him . And she was Christian enough she didn 't even count the money he took from her , didn 't keep track of the money he gambled away when he sold her house . She turned more cheeks than Jesus would have , bless her , until even I had had enough . He hadn 't worked in years , unless you count his seasonal trips to Reno , or the money he lost reselling junk he bought in garage sales . But still she worked , still she provided for him , cooked for him . And she might well have kept it up , only he started to turn mean - not to her , because he 'd been mean to her for most of their marriage , but mean to someone Rose would defend : me . And I 've gotten feistier , Sharon says , and I don 't know that I agree , except then , when I was arguing with Al . He got me so mad I shook my fist at him , thought about pushing out of my chair to put my finger in his face , like he was waggling his in mine . And Rose might not have done anything ; she wanted to defend me , she did , but the Bible says specific things about her role and her deference to her husband , but Sharon 's seen enough and fought enough that she was having none of it , and amongst the three of us we finally saw to it that Rose filed for divorce . She got a restraining order , and , if she 'd lived just a few weeks more , she would have been rid of that moocher forever . And now , now I wonder , if it weren 't for me , if I hadn 't broke my hip , if I hadn 't ended up here , if she would be alive . If maybe , in his overbearing , evil way , he might have told her to stay I know what I said , but I couldn 't write anymore , couldn 't put it to the side . It 's hard enough to bury a daughter , worse to know you might have been what killed her . And I 'm worrying , now , too , about my grandson . There was only once since this happened when Zero Journal 067 he was away for this long . And I didn 't like how he came back . He was always a very sweet boy , quiet , yet talkative if you got him alone , if you let him get comfortable first . But once he came back after that week he was different . There was a cloud about him . He never once told me why , what he 'd seen , what was done to him or what he might have had to do . But he was haunted . I remember some men who 'd seen war , the way they were haunted by combat , it was like that . But it also wasn 't , because men who see war see it with other men , and there 's a bond between them that lets them share things they wouldn 't otherwise . But my grandson was alone , and nothing I could say could pry it from him . I think he wanted to protect me from it , too , like Rose ; maybe he wanted to protect himself in my eyes , ashamed how I might see him now . But my panic was rising again . I think I 'd talked myself out of blame for Rose , but him , I 'd asked him for more cocoa , because I was out , and the water in the pipes had started to taste like foil . He told me , and I could see he was reluctant , that pickings were slimmer , that last time when he 'd gone to the little convenience store - and then he 'd stopped , clammed up . After that he didn 't say anything , then said he 'd try to find some . But he wouldn 't look at me , and when he did I knew it was because there were things in his face he didn 't want me to see , so I pretended not to , but in pretending I pretended enough that I couldn 't search for their meaning in his eyes and his face . His secret stayed with him . And one thing did change , and I think it 's a small thing , but it mattered , too . He stopped holding my hand . And he always held my hand , ever since he was a kid , and we 'd sit on the couch eating jelly candies , watching Nickelodeon . And he stopped wanting to hold my hand . In fact , he stopped touching me . Even when he brought me food , when he 'd mix me something in the kitchen , he was very careful not to let my hands touch his . It didn 't seem like he was afraid to touch what I touched , because he still took away my glasses , helped me dress , but he didn 't want to touch me at all , like whatever had happened had tainted him . I shouldn 't have let him go out again , not like that . He lost interest in caring for himself , not just grooming , but changing clothes , even though he insisted I change at least every other day . He was shutting down , I can see that now , and we had enough food and enough water for probably a month or more , and I let him go out . Maybe , he said , before the week he was gone , that he was going to help Sharon leave town . The city was becoming more violent . Her husband had gone out to his brothers ' outside town , and they 'd been fortifying the house so it would be safe for her . But he wanted to help his mother get there safely . My grandson 's always tried to hide it , but I not to judge him too harshly on it . I know my grandson , land 's sakes , why haven 't I been calling him Erik ? Erik didn 't agree with his stepdad . He wanted Sharon to come up 14 on her own , thought that a single person would arouse less attention . Erik thought he was scared , scared enough he 'd let his wife go unprotected like that . I don 't know which account I believe , but Erik thinking how he did he had to go help his mom . And it was a long way off , better part of six hours just getting to her house from here . He said it would take him a few days , half a week maybe . But he made sure I had supplies for near a month , just in case he had to hold up someplace . I remember he left before dawn . He said that the country road , and even 3rd , weren 't likely to have many people on it ; most of the people would have been near their homes , or maybe in the bigger shopping places . He figured he could sneak through even in the moonlight , without making much noise . I woke up only for a moment , when he kissed my forehead , then he told me to go back to sleep , and he smiled ; I don 't think I 've seen him smile like that since , a younger boy 's smile : hopeful , even against the task he 'd set himself . I slept fitfully after that . I dreamt of the trip I knew by car , and how much harder the trek up that big hill would be , how much longer the miles were on foot . I imagined him dodging under cars to avoid danger , then swimming across the river when he came upon a pair of men sharing a smoke on the bridge , a pair of hunting rifles on their shoulders ; he 'd told me enough that I knew he wouldn 't count on the kindness of strangers . Then he emerged , sopping , on the other bank , full of grim purpose , then ran across the grass growing in a city field , taking the circuitous route through tall reeds and then the park , so he had to cross as little bald residential as possible . Halfway through he crossed a parking lot , where Sharon did her banking , only the lot shifted as I remembered that they 'd gotten a coffee shop and a sandwich sgive it voice . My fingers were clawed through my Afghan , and for a moment its bright Easter pinks and yellows and oranges became dark and gray , and it stuck to my fingers like a web , and the thought of spiders after the caterpillar dream was just too much and I threw it to the floor . For some minutes I sat in my chair , my breath harrumphing as I tried to get my heart beat slower . I was soaked in sweat , and it was making me cold , so I decided to make myself something to eat . It was a roll and a muffin ; I eyed the candy dish beside the microwave , half - eaten . I hadn 't touched it since Rose passed , because putting those in the little crystal dish was the last thing she did before she went to work that day . I hadn 't eaten anymore since I found out what had happened . I never ended up eating the roll , and I only pecked at the muffin . My mind was still miles away . I had to think sweet thoughts , because even though I knew the story in my head of Erik was a fantasy , I couldn 't leave him to that fate , so I forced it to change . As the caterpillar train hit him it dissipated , in a great waft of black smoke , acrid and burning his lungs , but he was all right . And he was within sight of his mother 's home ; he 'd planned to be careful , to sneak along the fences to expose himself as little as possible - but that was his mother 's home , and he knew it was becoming less safe every day , and he had to know she was all right , so caution be darned he ran , till his feet slapping on concrete hurt , until the crisp morning air burnt his lungs as much as the smoke ; he was still wet from the river when his mother answered the door . The sun was just rising . He 'd planned it like that , on getting there as the sun rose , so they could travel with the daylight , and so they wouldn 't be caught unawares . But it was a dangerous plan , too , because it would take all the daylight they had to make it to her husband 's brother 's . If there were any complications at all they might end up staying up past sunset , or worse , have to hold up some place along the way . He had told me they would stay on the road that 's just off the freeway , that follows along it . That was best , he thought , because most of the way it was protected from the freeway side by bushes and by trees , but only flanked by houses on the other side . Houses , he said , could hide anything , from bandits to " them . " He didn 't call them " the dead , " maybe because he doesn 't like it when I talk about Revelations , or when his mom does , or when Rose did . He may not believe they 're dead at all , because the way he 's talked about them , calling them dead would make them still vaguely human , when to him they are not . I don 't know why that is . I remember when Phil came home from the War it was " Nips " this and " Japs " that ; it wasn 't until Frank Moo - hyun moved into the house across our Zero Journal 070 street , and they started fishing together , that he was able to make himself call them " the Japanese . " Of course , Frank was Korean , but we didn 't learn that for a few years more . He and Frank got into all manner of trouble together . It was a shame , when his mother got sick , he went back to Korea . That was the last time we ever saw him . After Phil passed , I always meant to write him . One day we were in the garden , and I think he was trying to kill a mole , and Phil said something about the " Japs in Iwo Jima . " And I asked him why he called them that , and he blushed . He said it wasn 't Christian , but neither was killing a man . One way of , and you understand there were tears in his eyes as he said it , but one way to make it easier was to believe the enemy were less than men . Calling them Japs , showing them as exaggerated monsters - it was all to make it so a man could do what he had to to save himself . I didn 't know what " they " are , or whether my grandson has killed one , or was preparing himself in case he needs to . But I bowed my head , to pray he wouldn 't , or if he did , that God would forgive him , and help him forgive himself . I think I 'll write to Frank . I don 't think there 's any post to get it to him , but I think it would make me feel better . Frank , This is Virginia , Phil 's wife , your old neighbor from the states . So much has happened that I don 't know where to even start . Phil 's been dead a long time , now . I should have written to tell you . I know it was hard on you leaving . Phil didn 't have a lot of friends , but you were one of them . He always missed you after you 'd gone , and we always hoped you 'd found a better life there . You 've been in my heart and my prayers . Virginia What else can I write ? His friend is dead , and I 've been a coward not telling him . I 'm setting the letter to the side , right now , to go back to the happy story I was telling myself about my grandson . He was leading my Sharon down the street , and while the houses were full of " them " they didn 't see them , because God was watching over them ; it was like Daniel in the lion 's den , or Shadrach , Meshach , and Abednego in that fiery furnace . And they walked Zero Journal 071 down that whole road , made it all the way to the edge of the county . The woods here were dark , and surrounded the sloping , winding road . " If ' they ' were smarter , grandma , that would be the most dangerous place . But they don 't plan , don 't coordinate ; as far as I 've seen , they 'll cohabitate but that 's about it , they don 't work together . It 's the closest to an advantage we get . " And in my mind 's eye I saw them , surrounded suddenly by a forest of eyes , and my grandson stopped moving . The shadows warped and transformed , and started to take on human shapes ; but I stopped myself , forcing the darkness to dissipate , forcing myself to see light breaking impossibly through the forest dark . They continued onward , and when the walking became harder for Sharon , my grandson let her lean on him . Just as dark approached , they reached her new house , and safety . Nov . 11 Of course , the fairy tale I 'd told myself was never going to be anything like what really happened . I found myself hoping for simple inconveniences ; that maybe my grandson would be slowed on his walk down to his mother 's , so that maybe they 'd delay another day , rather than attempt the entirety of the trek in one day , a suicide 's run for safety . By the fourth or maybe the fifth day I 'd gotten worried , frustrated . Even I can only knit so many blankets or scarves or afghans before I have to put my needles down and think . And I couldn 't help myself but think dark thoughts . The world had been a harsh place ; but it was getting darker . It was harder to find things to be hopeful about . On the sixth day I made myself some tea ; it was the first time I 'd had something warm since my grandson left . I barely drank it ; I knew what finishing that cup meant , and I wasn 't ready to admit it . I sipped at the cold tea the next day , watching it fall lower in the cup . I could see the bottom , white porcelain , through the last few sips of bitter tea . The next night I woke to the sound of the door whining as it opened . It was still a few hours before sunrise , and I couldn 't see . As my eyes adjusted I could make out a black , moving shadow that closed the door softly behind itself . I tensed , but tried to keep my eyes open only as slits , pretending to be asleep . The figure crossed the front room , down the two steps into the living room . My heart was rocketing in my chest , and I worried it would give me away . The figure in the dark bent over me , and kissed my cheek . " Hi , grandma , " he said , and I knew it was Erik . I pretended to wake up , feeling silly about being scared . He told me he 'd tried to stop Zero Journal 072 back at his mother 's house , but raiders had found it and were squatting there , so he 'd had to walk all through the night . I asked if everything had gone to plan . He hesitated a moment , not sure what to say . " She didn 't get killed like I thought . " When I tried to press further , he put up his hand . " I 'm thirsty . Can I get you anything from the kitchen ? " He was always thirsty , or hungry , or had something else to do , if ever I asked . Eventually , I stopped asking , and prayed instead , hoped . But I was running out of hope this time . Nov . 12 I woke up covered in sweat . I knew I shouldn 't have written down what I thought , or what I thought I knew , about what happened to Sharon . Because the nightmares were back . Horrible things . I didn 't know exactly what the dead did , if they bit people , tore at them with teeth and fingernails , if they used weapons , maybe even guns . I didn 't know if they had less strength than a healthy man or more ; but in my dreams they had all of them , mixed together , some of them feeble in muscle or mind , others strong and violent and sharp as a hungry dog . I saw through her eyes . And I screamed and cried out for help or mercy ; the more they hurt me , the more pain I felt , the more pitiful my cries became until I asked to die , but death wouldn 't come , either . What woke me , eventually , was Tigger . He 'd been perched on my lap , and had put up with quite a bit of wailing and thrashing before he decided to put a stop to it and put his claws into my leg . I wanted to swat him away , but instead I scooped him up and held him , sobbing loudly into his fur until the fear and pain of the dream had left me ; the poor cat squirmed and meowed until I set him back down on my lap , where he " mirred ? " before deciding to sit back down . I decided that I knew something had happened to Sharon . At one point , after Eric had come back , I found myself listing the possibilities , and why he would have kept it from me , but it just gutted me , and I had to stop . There was nothing I could do for my daughter , nothing he could do , now , or else I knew he 'd have been somewhere else doing it . So I put it off . Like I put it off when Sharon told me she 'd been raped when she was a child . No . I put it off even before then , because I knew , if not that exactly , I knew something . But you didn 't talk about it , then . You didn 't do anything about it , then . Because it wouldn 't matter , or it would . And it shouldn 't have . Zero Journal 073 I told Phil 's brother to stop it . If I 'd have told Phil , he 'd have either killed his brother , or told him to stop it or he 'd kill him . That 's just the way it was done . But I couldn 't put it off anymore . Phil 's brother had been dead longer than him , but this was different . I couldn 't live just thinking my baby was out there , being hurt . I had to know , or at least know as much as I could know . So I started to write it down , everything that might have happened to Sharon , and why Eric wouldn 't tell me . Hurt he would simply tell me if she 'd gotten hurt Raped ? ( possible ) And that made sense . Whatever had happened , Eric blamed himself . Either he 'd been wrong or it hadn 't mattered and he 'd somehow failed , in his estimation , to protect his mother . It explained why he 'd been distant . It perhaps even explained where he 'd gone . If he thought he could find her , or help her And there 's another possibility entirely . He could , perhaps , be looking to avenge her , or seek revenge for whatever wrong was done to her . The thought hurts me . I think back to him , laying against my side in church , listening intently . I 'm trembling just thinking about him going so far from that . " Vengeance is mine " said the lord ; I fear for Eric 's sole if he 's seeking vengeance in the world . I tried to sleep again , but dreamed of Eric . Being Erik was far more horrible than being Sharon , because as Erik my fear was he 'd become a predator . I 'm prepared as was my lord Jesus to suffer at the hands of others , but not to force suffering on others . To watch that sweet boy 's hands tear through lives , strangling a woman and cutting at the flesh of a child , I woke in tears again , but this time there was no cat for comfort . I heard behind my chair , crunching at his food bowl ; I knew better than to try to call him . I was tired and it wasn 't even morning yet . I knew I couldn 't sleep again , not knowing the dreams that lay in wait for me . And it 's hard enough to write in the little moonlight that reflected into the room , but it 's impossible to read a book in it . My books . I feel a little silly about them . I 'm an old woman , years past my own romances , yet I can 't stop |
Sunday , September 25 - We , of course , went to church . Our friends came , and we enjoyed introducing them to some of our church family and friends . They say that they really enjoyed it . I hope they did . After church , we came home and took several pictures by the oak tree in the front yard . Grammy fixed a delicious lunch of crock pot roast , mashed potatoes , green beans , salad and rolls . We all ate until we were full . It was wonderful . Before we knew it , and way before we were ready , it was time for the Oldest Princess to head back to school . We told her goodbye , and of course , we stood on the porch and did the wave as she drove away . We were able to visit a few more minutes with our friends before they too had to leave . We all prayed together , and then sent them off with our signature wave as well . It was sad to see them all have to leave . Especially after such a great weekend . Hopefully we will all be able to get together again before too long . Then we went to church . My small group went well . I have really enjoyed our time together and getting to know one another and share with one another our struggles and victories . I also love that we are able to encourage one another throughout the week . I had fun memorizing my verses this week knowing that I would get to say them to my group , and that they would say theirs to me . It is fun going through it together . Bible Drills went well also . I love those kids , and I love seeing them get excited about learning God 's Word . They work so hard , and they are so eager to get it right . It is a great way to end my Sundays . After school , the Youngest Princess had tumbling , and she got her back handspring . She has been working on it for a long time , so we were very excited that she was finally able to do it by herself . She was jumping up and down excited . After tumbling , I took her to get an ice cream in celebration of her accomplishment . My Prince had an afternoon / evening conference , so he was not home when we got home . We relaxed and spent time together . My friend called and asked if she could borrow my key to the church so that she could meet with her small group . I told her of course . The Youngest Princess wanted to go out on the porch and wait for her , so we did . I talked to the Oldest Princess on the phone for a few minutes . After my friend stopped by and picked up the key , we went back inside . The Young Prince realized that one of the Narnia movies was on , while we were looking for the debate , and so he watched that for a while . My sister called to let me know that she had been offered the job that she had interviewed for last week . That was exciting news . Definitely an answer to many prayers . We are very excited for her . We watched as much of the debate as I could stomach . Then the Youngest Princess and I went to bed . We were exhausted from our weekend of fun , and from a full Monday , so we did not even read . We just snuggled and went to sleep . We had just dozed off when My Prince made it home . I was very thankful to have him home . And I went back to sleep before I knew it . Tuesday , September 27 - It was a good day at least most of it was . Today was the day that a sweet friend of mine donated one of her kidneys to another friend of hers . I woke up with her on my heart and in my prayers . I prayed off and on , much like the praying without ceasing we are supposed to do every day , all day long . Today was probably the first challenging day in my class so far this year . We had a great morning , and were having a blast learning . The Youngest Princess said , " Mommy , this year I love math ! " That was very exciting to hear . Another student told me that today was her favorite spelling lesson ever . We were moving fast and getting stuff accomplished , and then lunch happened . And after lunch , the girls were giggly , and silly and pretty much checked out on me . I asked a question about something we had learned in history before we went to lunch , and I had to ask about 6 of my 9 girls before they got it right , and that was only AFTER I told them that they had taken a note on it , and the answer was right there in front of them . I asked the next question , and they acted like they had never even heard of what I was talking about . It was quite frustrating . I have had classes where this is the norm . But not this class , so I was a little disappointed . It made me frustrated and sad . Especially after such a great morning . But , we made it through the end of the day . After some stressful moments of trying to write our own limericks in penmanship . We did poetry in language the other day , and the Youngest Princess about had a come apart trying to do one simple assignment , while everyone else was sailing through . Today though , she did pretty well , and a different student had and extremely hard time with it . Thankfully , that is the end of all we do with poetry in the fifth grade . I love it , but it apparently can be stressful to students who tend to be perfectionists . And when I say stressful , I mean very stressful . We came home and the Youngest Princess finished homework while the Young Prince was at football practice . Then My Prince , and the Youngest Princess went to the store to get batteries for my camera , because the Youngest Princess wanted to use it . When they got home , she went out and took several good pictures . We may have a budding photographer on our hands . When the Young Prince got home , he took a shower , and we went outAfter dinner , we came home and I sat on the front porch so that the Youngest Princess could take some more pictures . But it was really getting too dark , so she didn 't get any that she kept . I enjoyed watching her , and just being outside for a few minutes . Then we came in , and she studied for a few more minutes . Now we are upstairs , and the Youngest Princess is reading her book report book . It has been said that if you don 't like to read , it is just because you haven 't found the right book . Well , I think the Youngest Princess has found " the right book " . She usually complains when I make her read . Today she has been reading like crazy and every once in a while she will stop to tell me what is happening in her book . Then she will read for a little while longer and then stop and say , " I LOVE to READ ! " I am just loving her loving to read . I just talked with the Oldest Princess for a while . She is learning life lessons at college . Some good , some tough . It is hard with her being away , and not being able to hug her , or to look her in the eye when I give her motherly advice . It can also be good that I am so far away . For a variety of reasons . Anyway , life lessons . At the academy of " I 'm on my own and learning to make my own decisions " . Which is often followed by " now I get to face the consequences of my decisions " . I just pray that she remembers what she has been taught , and that the choices she makes are wise ( even when they are hard ) , and pleasing to the Lord . She is a good girl . And she has been taught well . She has always made us proud . I know she will continue to , and I pray daily for the Lord to guide her and protect her . It is a scary thing for a momma to let one of her kiddos go . So I appreciate your prayers . For both the Oldest Princess and I . And now , I am going to make the Youngest Princess stop reading , so that I can read to her . Ironic , isn 't it . And then I am going to get some rest . I woke up early and was unable to go back to sleep . It may have been that I was a little bit excited about today . The Oldest Princess text me not long after I woke up to tell me that she was on her way . Woo Hoo ! We talked and caught up for a little while . The Youngest Princess was like a barnacle on the Oldest Princess for a while . The Oldest Princess got ready to go out to lunch with some of her friends . The Young Prince , and our friends Mr . M and Mrs . L , and their daughter M all came to spend the day . We are so glad that they were finally able to come for a visit . We met them , and just fell in love with them . Now they are no longer friends , but family . Grammy and Poppy joined us . We had a sweet time of fellowshipping , eating , and watching some football . The Young Prince and his friend and the Youngest Princess all went out to take some pictures . They got some really cute ones . They came in and we played some Dutch Blitz . The Oldest Princess got home from her lunch out with friends , and visited with us some . Then she left to go pick up a shelf that another one of our friends made for her . It is pretty fancy . I know she is excited to get it back to school and try it out . We all got ready to go out to eat to celebrate the Oldest Princess 's birthday with dinner at one of her favorite places . We had a fun time watching our food be cooked by the hibachi grill chef , and then of course we had a great time eating it . We took a few pictures , if you know me , few and pictures are not terms that go together , so really , we took a lot of pictures . Then we headed back home . The Oldest Princess went by to visit our Youth Pastor and his wife and baby . Our friends came back home with us and we showed them a few clips of the Young Prince in the video of the play he was in last spring . We visited for a little while longer , and then before we knew it , it was time to say goodnight to our friends . The Oldest Princess came home in time to visit for a few minutes before our friends had to leave . The Youngest Princess is all clean and tucked into bed next to me . My Prince is downstairs watching a few highlights from his football game that he had to miss the end of because of our dinner plans , and then he will finish studying for his sermon tomorrow . The Young Prince is tucked in as well , and the Oldest Princess is working on Math homework . I am fighting nodding off , because I am very tired , so I am going to wrap this up and snuggle with the Youngest Princess . Goodnight . Time flies . And time has flown . We have been busy doing just the normal everyday mundane stuff , with a few things thrown in along the way just to keep it interesting . My new washing machine stopped working . I have decided that washing machines and dryers are my " thorn in the flesh " . This is my new washing machine I am talking about . The one we bought in July . They should last more than 2 months shouldn 't they ? It is , of course , after just 2 months , still under warranty . So we had a repair man come out to fix it . After looking at it for about an hour he said he guessed that it was the " main board " , and he would order one . I won 't even . Proper words escape me . So , I just won 't even . The part was supposed to be in on Wednesday ( of last week ) . We call on Wednesday to check on it . And I know that this is going to surprise you . I know that you absolutely will be beyond belief , just as we were , when they told us that the part won 't be in until NEXT Wednesday . No problem . I am so far behind now , that I will never catch up . What 's one more week ? NO PROBLEM . So , we may be shopping for new clothes soon . Just to have something clean to wear . NOT a PROBLEM . Do you sense a little of my frustration ? My " thorn in the flesh " I tell ya ! We had Beta Club , Student Council , and National Elementary Honor Society induction . The Young Prince is in the Beta Club and on the Student Council . The Youngest Princess is in the NEHS . She had the highest average in her class last year , so she got to read a speech , and is considered an " officer " . Too cute ! She had to tiptoe to see over the pulpit in order to read her speech . It was adorable . She also had to light a candle , and she says , " What were they THINKING ? ! ? Trusting me with Fi - ah ! " Crazy kid ! My Prince and I got to go on a date that we have been trying to go on for about a month . The washing machine repair man almost messed it up , but thankfully , we managed to squeeze it in . My Prince took me to a restaurant that I have been wanting to go to for a while . It was wonderful . We went straight there and came straight home . But it was good food and good company , so I was happy . The Oldest Princess had a birthday . Her first birthday away from us . I worked behind the scenes with a few of her new college friends , and with their help organized a little party for her . They were awesome to help me ! I could not have done it without them . Also , I recorded videos of different people saying Happy Birthday to her , and sent a different one to her about once an hour . I am thankful to the people who helped me out with that as well . And I blew up Facebook with pictures representing memories of her over the years . I had more planned , but I used up all the storage on my phone . I hate it when that happens ! So I didn 't get to finish it like I wanted to , but I think she realized that we love her , even when she is at college on her Birthday . After chapel , I felt a little rushed to get everything done . But we somehow managed to get to it all . I read to the girls while they did their Penmanship tests . I was not sure how my class full of girls would like the Josiah books , because they have a lot of action in them . But they say that they love it , and I am glad , because I love reading them to my class and I love the life lessons that the kids learn from them . As the afternoon went on , I began feeling bad . I had a really bad headache , and my eyes were burning like they do when I have a fever . I did not have a fever , I just felt like I had one . And I felt queasy , like maybe I needed to eat , but I was afraid to eat because maybe I would be sick . I just felt yucky . My Prince came and picked up the Young Prince from school to take him to the doctor to have him checked out after his football injuries . Pretty much anytime you hit your head , they consider it a concussion . So , the Young Prince can not play ( or do any practice containing contact ) for two weeks from last Friday . There is no game this Friday , so he should be released to play in the game the next Friday . Unless he has any dizzy spells while running or anything like that , and then he may have to go longer before they will let him play . I came home from school by myself . My Prince was already back home and the Young Prince had gone to school to practice ( with no contact ) . I took some medicine , and tried to relax and get rid of my headache . I also tried to eat something in hopes that it would make me feel better . My Prince went and got the Youngest Princess from tumbling class . I talked to the Oldest Princess for a few minutes . She is doing well . Learning how to balance school and a social life . She seems to be handling it pretty well . I know she is stressed and worried about her grades , but I am proud of her and how hard she is working . I am proud that she has turned down several opportunities to have fun , in order to study , but I am also glad that she is taking the time to make friends and have some fun as well . I missed her today , probably the most I 've missed her so far . I thought that this was supposed to get easier . . . I eventually had to go upstairs to bed to try to get over my headache . My Prince had to go to a meeting , so the Youngest Princess came to the bedroom and studied for her History quiz using Quizlet . When My Prince came home , the Youngest Princess went downstairs to study with him . I rested for about an hour , and then went downstairs to spend some time with My Prince before we all went to bed . The Youngest Princess took her shower , and then we read four ( short ) chapters from our book . My Prince came up after we finished reading , and we are ready to get some rest . I am feeling a little bit better , but I am ready for a good night 's sleep . Hopefully I will wake up feeling much better in the morning . I got up this morning feeling very tired . Probably because I skipped drinking my Plexus pink drink yesterday morning . I skipped it this morning too , and so that does not bode well at all for tomorrow morning , because I am feeling extra tired tonight . The morning went well . The Young Prince had to be there a little early to practice the drama he was going to be a part of , so he and My Prince left early . The Youngest Princess and I followed shortly thereafter . Sunday school was good . I always enjoy fellowshipping with everyone before it starts , and today was no exception . I had the 2 / 3 year olds today for extended care , so I did not get to go to the service . The Young Prince did his part in the drama , and then came downstairs to be my helper . We had 6 kids . 3 girls and 3 boys . It was a lively hour . But it was fun as always . I love getting a chance to love on some of our little ones . Especially since we have no little ones of our own any more . After church , as we were walking to the car , we found a butterfly that had a hurt wing and could not fly . I let it crawl on my hand so the girls could see how beautiful it was . I love all the details that God puts into every aspect of nature and just how beautiful and interesting each and every creature is . The Young Prince wanted to go to a local Mexican food restaurant . Poppy came with us since Grammy was not feeling well , and had stayed home . The Youngest Princess asked if her friend could come home with us , and I told her that she could . So M came with us . Lunch was good , and we enjoyed having Poppy with us . Back at the house , I did some general straightening up and some more laundry . Then I studied for my class . The girls played and had a good time . My Prince studied , and the Young Prince played on his computer . Pretty soon , it was coming a downpour outside . It was a pretty good thunderstorm . I was in the laundry room , when there was a very loud pop like glass cracking . It scared me half to death . I came flying out of the laundry room . The Young Prince said that it was lightning , and that it had struck pretty close . I was afraid that it had done something to the house , but I could not find anything wrong , and everything seemed to be in working order . I went on about my business , getting ready to go to church , and it happened again . But this time , the kids all heard the loud pop as well . Again , we did not find anything wrong . I still don 't know what caused those unusual popping sounds , but I am thankful that everything is okay . My discipleship group went well . Only we were missing a member , but hopefully she will be able to be back with us next week . Bible Drills went well also . I love working with those kids and seeing them work so hard on something that really matters . It is very encouraging to me . And I love my wonderful helper as well . I am very thankful that she was feeling better and was back with us tonight . After church , we went to pick up a pizza for dinner . We came home and ate , and talked on the phone to the Oldest Princess for a few minutes before she had to get busy doing homework . She talked like she had had a good day . I did get one picture from her today , and that was nice . I was awakened this morning by the Youngest Princess crawling into bed with me . My Prince had already left to go meet with his Discipleship group . She told me that she had a crick in her neck and she needed to lay with me , so of course I let her . We snuggled and dozed a little more . My Prince got home , and I got up . The Youngest Princess was quick to follow me downstairs . I did some house work , and laundry , laundry and more laundry . My sister called and we talked for two hours . Maybe we need to talk more often so we don 't have to talk so long . But we had lots to catch each other up on , so it took us a while . I took a shower and ate lunch . The Youngest Princess had a birthday party to go to , so I took her to that . It was a swim party , so the moms sat around and talked while the kids swam . It was nice to have time to just sit and talk to friends for a while . After the party , we came home . My Prince grilled hamburgers , and we ate dinner . Then we watched the football game . My Prince 's team won , so that is always a plus . Makes for a happier Prince , which makes for a happier me . I text back and forth with the Oldest Princess off and on throughout the day . She studied , went to lunch with a friend , and then out with a group of friends , and " that boy " again . She said they watched the game for a while and then bowled . I asked her who she was going to church with tomorrow , and she said " he " asked her to go with him and his brother and a group of their friends . So it sounds like she is doing okay . I did get a picture of her and a couple of friends , so I can put a face to some of the names I hear . I told her I like pictures . Evidently it 's not very " cool " to take pictures and send them to your mom back home , though , because the pictures are few and far between . The Youngest Princess is still struggling and missing her big sister . We read only one little short story tonight . We are reading from a book called More Stories from Grandma 's Attic now that we have finished all of the Mandie books . We usually try to read about four of them a night , because they are really short , but it was late tonight , so we only read one . She asked the Young Prince to stay with us while we read , and he did . He is a pretty good big brother . She is asleep beside me while I type . The Young Prince is in his bed , and My Prince is downstairs doing some last minute studying . Tomorrow will be a long and busy , so I guess I will call it a day . I think this is as far behind as I 've gotten since I started trying to blog every day this year . There are several reasons that I have gotten behind . One is I have been busy . Two is it was our last week with the Oldest Princess at home , and I wanted to spend as much time as possible with her . Three is I 've just been too tired to blog each night . And the longer I went without blogging , the bigger the task became , so I would put it off one more night . And now , I am almost too far behind to catch up . I will have to write about just the highlights for sure this time . So , let 's do this ! Saturday , August 27 - We had a ladies conference at our church . Reba Bowman and Lisa Potter with Dare for More Ministries came and presented their Hearts and Hope ministry to our ladies , and several ladies from other churches . We had a great night of fellowship , worship , ministry , shopping and eating . Reba challenged us from God 's Word , and opened our eyes to how women around the world are suffering , and how we here in America can help . Sunday , August 28 - Was a pretty normal Sunday . Lisa and Reba were still with us . Reba presented her ministry to the whole church . We went out to lunch with Lisa and Reba . We had a great time of food and fellowship . That night Reba and Lisa went to a different church to present their ministry . We had services as normal . My Bible Drills helper had strep , so the Oldest Princess helped me out . After church Grammy , Lisa and Reba met us for dinner . Again , we enjoyed talking with them and getting to know them even more . Monday , August 29 - It was hard to get the Youngest Princess up and running on Monday morning , but eventually we did . My friend S and I cooked supper for our friend who had been in the hospital . She came and picked me up , and we took it to her . We stayed and visited with her for a little while . It was so good to see her doing better ! I don 't remember much about Monday other than that - lol ! Tuesday , August 30 - The Oldest Princess had her root canal that morning . It went very well , and I was super glad . By the time I was finished with school , she was ready to go shopping for a few more last minute things she needed for college . We got most of what she needed and then we came home . Wednesday , August 31 - It was a crazy morning even before we could get to school . The crazy morning consisted of but was not limited to : a lost lunch box , a forgotten assignment pad , a flea ( I HATE fleas ) , a strange sound in the car , a fallen curtain , forgotten cheer clothes , lost earphones , found earphones . I remember all of this only because My Prince and I had some very interesting text messages about all of the above , so I was able to look back and be reminded of the madness of that morning . Otherwise , I believe it was a pretty normal day . The Oldest Princess attended her last Wednesday night youth service before heading off to college . Several of us , along with the Oldest Princess and some of her friends went out to eat after church . Thursday , September 1 - The Oldest Princess went back to the dentist to have a filling until she can come home at Christmas and get a crown put on . That appointment went well , and we were thankful . After I got home from school and the Young Prince got home from football practice , we went to meet Grammy and Poppy for dinner . Our last dinner as a family before the Oldest Princess left for college . As we were leaving , we got the message that our youth pastor and his wife had had their baby . We were all very excited . We went to eat , and enjoyed our time with Grammy and Poppy very much . Then we went to the hospital to meet the newest member of our church family . He was absolutely precious ! ! And so very tiny ! We were very glad that the Oldest Princess was able to meet baby C before she left , because she was afraid that he would be born after she was gone . We left the hospital and came home with full hearts . Friday , September 2 - It was a good day . We finished school and came home . The girls , My Prince and I all went to eat . We left there and went by and picked up Grammy and Poppy . From there we went to the football game . We were having a good time visiting with friends , and watching the game . I had stepped over to talk to some friends whose son had left for college a few weeks before . I heard the crowd react to a hit , but my eyes were not on the game so I did not see it . I turned to see what had happened , and I see all of the players moving except one . One is laying face down on the field not moving . I knew by the shoes which one it was . It was the one that belonged to me . It was the Young Prince . I stood up and continued to watch . My heart growing sicker every second that he did not move . I moved over to where my Prince was . We watched as the medics on the field , and the coaches went over to him . I watched as he moved his left arm and leg , but never saw his right side move at all . My Prince walked down to the sideline , but I could not move . They motioned us over , so we went out on the field . The medic told me that he had a something , on his C - something , and that she recommended that we " transport " . All the while , she was holding his neck stable . I have no idea what all that meant . She said that since we were there , she would defer the decision to us , as his parents . It was all I could do not to throw up at this point . I had no idea what to do or say . My Prince got down on the ground to look the Young Prince in the eyes , and the Young Prince told him that he was okay . A fan from the other team came out on the field and told us that he was a doctor . He asked if we cared if he checked out the Young Prince . I told him please ! I was glad to have someone look at him that could give us an idea of what to do . They allowed the Young Prince to get up . The doctor pressed on his neck and asked him a few questions . He told us that he would not go spend the night in an emergency room , but that we should take him home and let himSaturday , September 3 - I wrote in the notebook that the Oldest Princess and I have passed back and forth over the years , and later I slipped it under her pillow for her to find when she went to bed that night . A little last minute " motherly " advice - 10 pages of it - I had a lot that I wanted to say , and I wanted her to have it written down , so she could remember it all . What I would give to have something like that from my mother . The Young prince woke up feeling okay , just a little sore , praise the Lord ! The Oldest Princess wanted to go to a local Japanese restaurant to eat lunch . I did several loads of laundry , and helped the Oldest Princess pack and organize a few things . Sunday , September 4 - I woke up feeling sad . I went down to sit with My Prince for a few minutes . I sat down at the table and the tears started flowing . My Prince was busy looking over his sermon again . Finally he looked up and asked me what was wrong . I told him I had done great up until this point , and that I was allowed a few tears . So I just cried . Pretty soon , he was crying along with me , and then we were laughing at ourselves crying . I knew going to church and everyone talking about it being the day we left , would be hard . I told him that I felt like those people in the Bible who had leprosy and had to call out " Unclean ! Unclean ! " to warn people who might come near them . Only I felt like I needed to call out " Unstable ! Unstable ! " because it was possible that I would burst into tears at any minute , and needed to warn people . But as I got started moving , and getting ready , it did get a little better . Church went well , and I did pretty good until we were shaking hands at the end , and several people gave me hugs . I do well until someone shows me a little sympathy , and then it is all over . So I did cry a little then . We came home and finished packing up everything . The Oldest Princess 's friend C came home from college for the weekend and stopped by to tell the Oldest Princess goodbye . It was good to see her again and to talk to her for a little while . But then it was time to load up the car and get on the road . I rode with the Oldest Princess who drove her car , and we followed My Prince , the Young Prince and the Youngest Princess . We got to the hotel that evening , and pretty much went straight to bed , because we were all tired . Monday , September 5 - We got up and got ready . We went to the college and got the Oldest Princess checked in . She had her student ID card made . She text her friend who came down and verified that they were in the same room . We watched a quick introductory video , and then got busy trying to check things off of her to do list given to us by the college . I noticed a couple that looked familiar . It was a family that we went to church with about 19 years ago . I don 't think we have seen them for about 18 years . They were there dropping off their youngest daughter . It was good to see them again . We talked for just a minute and then said good - bye . I had hoped that we would run into them again , but we never did . We , along with the help of the Oldest Princess 's roommate and a friend of hers got all of the Oldest Princess 's stuff moved from the car to the room . The Youngest Princess helped to make the Oldest Princess 's bed . We put a few things away , and then the Oldest Princess had a math placement test to take . So she went on her way , and we waited for her . She finished her test pretty quickly , and then we tackled opening the mailbox . They have combination locks , and it takes a little getting used to to get into them . She had a card from Aunt T . We had a couple of meetings to go to . Then we went to dinner , back to the hotel to freshen up , and back to the college for opening night revival service . While we were standing there waiting for the Oldest Princess to meet us before church , I heard a noise and looked up , and the Blue Angels were flying right over our heads . I said , " Blue Angels ! Blue Angels ! " so everyone else would not miss them , and then I grabbed my phone and tried to get to my camera to get a picture of them , but my pictures were so late that it does not really do the moment justice . The Oldest Princess came pretty quickly after that , and we went in for the service . It was good , and after the service we walked over with her for a freshman connection thing they were doing . The Youngest Princess figured out that sTuesday , September 6 - The Oldest Princess went early that morning to get registered for her classes . She text to say that she was done about the time we were leaving the hotel . She had a couple of things she wanted us to run by the store and pick up for her , so we did that and then went to the college to meet her . When I got there , she was sitting in the common area copying her schedule into her planner . She looked up at me with big tears in her eyes and asked me to let her pack and just go home with us . I understood . I have been there . Those first few days can be overwhelming . And she was feeling overwhelmed . I encouraged her to stick it out , that it would get better . We went with her to get her books . The Young Prince , the Youngest Princess and I stayed out in the hall , while My Prince went in with her to help her buy her books for the first time . We did that and then let her take her books back to her room . The Youngest Princess was pretty much a barnacle on her sister 's side the entire day . We went to eat lunch . Then we went back to the college for a little while longer before we had to leave . The Young Prince went up to get a table near the coffee shop , so he could plug in his phone . I went to the restroom , and the girls went with My Prince to park the car . When I caught up with the Young Prince , he was sitting at a table with another young man . I figured that the young man thought that the Young Prince was a college student , and that he was just looking for someone to talk to . My Prince and the Youngest Princess got there just a couple of minutes after me . My Prince told the young man his name and asked him where he was from . We made small talk with him for a few minutes , and then the Oldest Princess walked up . The young man said , " Your daughter is beautiful . " My Prince said , " Excuse me ? " and the young man said it again , " Your daughter is beautiful . " As my niece used to say . . . " Awkward City . Population 6 " My Prince thanked the young man for his compliment ( ? ) . It was a little uncomfortable to say the least . We said our tearful goodbyes . The Youngest Princess cried herself to sleep in the car . The rest of us stayed pretty quiet . Lost in our thoughts . The Oldest Princess text me before we were halfway home and told me we could still turn around and come back and get her . I think that night was the toughest on her . But she had a good time with her new friends at dinner and church , so I knew she would be okay . She had a good support group of family calling and checking on her as well , and I think that helped too . Wednesday , September 7 - My Prince 's birthday . It was a normal day for us here at home . We had a picture of the Oldest Princess 's schedule , so we knew when she had classes and when she was done . My Prince and I both checked on her from time to time to see how it was going . She was upbeat for most of the day . And that made me feel better . She knew one guy in one of her classes . One of the guys she had met at the freshman connect thing on Monday night . She ate lunch with a precious lady that had been her babysitter when she was young , and who now works in the English department there at the college . It made my momma heart happy to know that they had connected , and were able to have lunch and talk . It makes me happy to know that J is there and that the Oldest Princess can call on her if she needs to . At church that night , they had a cake and some balloons for My Prince . That helped to make the day a little more special for him , as well as all the goodies people brought him throughout the day . After church we had a meeting , and then we came home and tried to help the Youngest Princess get her homework done and into bed . Thursday , September 8 - We had school and work . After school I went and got my hair cut . The Young Prince had football practice . When we all got back together again , we left to go and meet Grammy and Poppy for dinner to celebrate My Prince 's birthday . We had a good time at dinner . The Young Prince was in rare form , and he kept us laughing most of the time . We came home , finished homework , face - timed with the Oldest Princess and went to bed . Friday , September 9 - A pretty regular day at school and work . There was a pep rally , and the Youngest Princess got to do her cheer routine with her little squad . They are really cute . Then after school the Youngest Princess , My Prince and I ran and got something to eat , and pretty much went right back to the school for the Homecoming football game . The Young Prince played hard and about 3 / 4 of the way into the 1st quarter made a tackle and hit his head on the ground . He said he blacked out for a few seconds . The paramedics who were there made him sit out the rest of the game . They also said that he will have to see a doctor before he can be allowed to play again . Have I ever told you that I am not a big fan of football ? And now you know why . We text back and forth with the Oldest Princess again . She said that the guy she had met the first night , and had a class with , had asked her to dinner . We teased her a little back and forth about that . She went to dinner with him and then they had another freshman connection where they met up with some other friends , and she seemed to have had a good time . I was glad . She got her first grade back , and she made a 100 , so that was exciting . I sent her the video of her sister 's pep rally cheer routine , and pictures of the homecoming court and the winners . We talked , after it was all said and done , for a few minutes . I was glad to know that she had had a good day . It is hard with her being away . But at the same time , I have a peace . I know that she is where she needs to be . I know that she will have great experiences and learn and grow like never before while she is there . I miss her like crazy , but I know that what she will experience these next four years will be priceless . I know that God will take care of her . I know she can handle the challenge before her , even if she does not believe it herself . I am excited for her , and pray for her daily to learn what God has for her . I look forward to seeing how God will use her to further His kingdom and glorify Him . And now . . . the daunting task of catching up has been accomplished . And I think I will get some rest . If you have made it this far with me , you probably need some rest too ! Thanks for sticking with me ! I am wife to a wonderful Pastor , and mother to three very busy children . I teach 5th grade at a private Christian school . I have a burden to see others live their lives serving the Lord . I hope that something you read here challenges you to do just that . |
It 's hard to write about what happened next . I 'm reminded of all those interviews we did - the ones we didn 't share , the ones we sent back to Mister Boots to do whatever he wanted with - and all the people we met and all the stories we heard . I 've told my story to you . And now it 's time to share Frank 's story . It was weird , sharing a truck with my father , the father I couldn 't remember . He sometimes looked at me like he knew everything about me . I don 't know what Frank thought about it ; he was mostly silent as we drove day after day . During the nights , Richard tried to tell me a bit about my childhood ; Frank would sit in his chair and read as I tried to fill in the blanks of my past . On the third day , we arrived in Pasadena . The next city in the book . Richard was still a little unsure of why we were going there , but we don 't him that we owed somebody something . We told him about interviewing survivors , the flotsom and jetsom of incomprehensible abominations . He still didn 't quite believe , but he wasn 't willing to let go of me . On the freeway , however , there was a popping sound and suddenly the truck was losing gasoline . Richard said that the gas tank must have broke . We pulled over to the side of the road and Frank tried diligently to call AAA or a tow - truck , but the cell service was bad . So finally , he said he would just walk to the next gas station and set off , leaving Richard and me alone . I was looking at the truck , wondering why it had suddenly decided to stop working , when I saw it . A hole right in the gas tank , where the fluid spilled out . A bullet hole . I woke up in a movie theatre , in a red plush seat before a large screen . My head ached and I could still taste the chloroform in my mouth . My arms were tied to the sides of the seat and my legs were duct - taped together . " Hello , " a voice called out . It was sweet and melodious and it came from the stage under the screen . The velvet curtain parted and I saw a woman duck out from the underside of the stage . " Just straightening a few things out . " She looked young , her hair a shade of unnatural red . " You 're name is Susan Kingston , though you 've been going by the name Carol Baker . " She smiled and pulled out a straight razor from her pocket . " I 've had quite a few names , too , but the one I 'm using now is Number Nine . Shall we begin ? " I was still drowsy from the drugging , but I felt tears in my eyes and started to plead with her . " Shhh , don 't worry , don 't you worry you 're little button nose , " she said . " I 'm not here to kill you . I just want to know . " She pulled out a tape recorder with her other hand , pressed the record button , and tucked it into my shirt pocket . Nine : Hello , Carol . Do you prefer to be called Carol or is it Suzie by now ? Carol : What - what do you want ? Why are you doing this ? Nine : Well , I received some disappointing news a while ago . I got very depressed . But luckily , I knew of a way to cure my depression . Carol : You 're - you 're cr - cra - Nine : Crazy ? Yes , I am . Do you know what the Quiet is ? No , I suppose not . Not many survivors of that to interview , are there ? Well , let 's just say that in your little pantheon of Lewis Carroll characters , it would be the Red King . As soon as it wakes up , then poof ! we 'll all go out like a candle . I thought , well , I don 't like this world anyway , I might as well work for it . Wipe it away like the drawings on a chalkboard . Do you understand ? Carol : No . Nine : Of course not . But I 'm glad you 're honest . Not many people are these days . Well , as I was saying , I thought I was working for the Quiet . " Number Nine , Agent of the Quiet , Member of the House of Nothing . " That 's how I introduced myself . Turns out ? Not so much . The Quiet doesn 't do minions . It just is . Well , that kind of sucked for me . But I had found this great source of information , this tower of knowledge . What else was I going to do but look through it ? And , well , looking through it , I found your name . You and Frank , on your little quest . Not running , not chasing , but searching . I liked that . But then I realized - you didn 't know , did you ? Carol : Know wh - what ? Nine : Know who you were working for ? Your " Mister Boots " ? Yes , all of that was in your little file . The information was really quite thorough , I must say . Anyway , as I was saying , you didn 't know who was sending you off on your little interviews . Can you guess ? Why , it was the Archive ! Carol : The - the Arch - Nine : The Archive ! Strange little fellows , I didn 't even think they were real . They collect information for the Blind Man . Or maybe the Blind Man gives them information , I 'm not sure . Anyway , sometimes they use civilians to gather information , people who don 't know they are being used . You were working for the BlShe stood back and closed her eyes . " You can come out now , " she said loudly . " I gave you that clue on purpose . Come out now or I slit your little girlfriend 's throat . " She approached me with the straight razor and I heard footsteps above me . I turned my head and saw Frank . He was holding his gun up and pointing it at Number Nine . She didn 't seem disturbed by this , she just kept on smiling . " Ah , well , if it isn 't Mr . Nobody , " Nine said . " You don 't even know your real name . I do . Do you want me to tell you ? " Nine stepped forwarded and started to cut the knots around my arms with her straight razor . " Would it help if I told you it was a good name ? A very nice , very masculine name ? " She cut through the duct tape on my legs and I stood up unsteadily . Nine took that oppurtunity to raise the razor to twist me around and raise the razor to my neck . " You shoot , she 's dead . " Frank didn 't lower his gun . He stepped forward calmly . I don 't know how he could have been so calm , but he was . " You 're not going to kill her . You could have killed her at any time . It wasn 't her you wanted . It was me . Let her go . " " And what , take you instead ? " Nine laughed . " How cliche is that ? No , how about I kill her and then I kill you and then I kill everything you ever touched ? I could do that . I could travel across country , finding all those interviewees and I could kill them all . " " I can give it to you , " Frank said . " You said we worked for the Blind Man . If I kill you , won 't that be enough ? " Nine seemed to think about this and I felt a drop of blood from the razor nicking my throat . " Maybe , " she said . " But maybe I don 't want to go down without a fight . Maybe I want one last kill . How about that ? " Frank shouted at me to run and I ran , my legs pushing themselves forward , my body scrambling up the steps of the movie theatre , rushing outside into the bright daylight . I found Richard waiting for me , his shoulder bandaged . I heard the bang and I turned to look back , but Richard pulled me away , away from the building . And it was good that he had done that when he had , because in the next few moments , the entire building went up in a ball of flame . We were across the block as it happened and it flattened us and we felt such enormous pressure and heat . I found the wire later on . The recording . Frank and I had used it when certain hospitals wouldn 't allow tape recorders . One of us would wear a wire and the other would listen to the recording in our car outside . When he entered the movie theatre , he was wearing the wire . He was recording everything . I don 't know why . Maybe he wanted me to know his last words . I listened to it every night for a week afterwards . Nine : [ grunting in pain ] You got me good , Frank . A nice stomach shot . It 'll take a while to bleed out . I thought you were a better shot than that . Frank : I guess not . You got me good , too . Femoral artery . I 'll be dead soon . Nine : Nice knowing you , Frank . Do you want to know ? Your real name ? Who you are ? Frank : I know who I am . Nine : I don 't . . . I don 't understand . Frank : Have you ever read The Hunting of the Snark ? Nine : Can 't [ gasps ] can 't say that I have . Frank : It 's about a group that goes and tries to hunt this wild creature , this Snark . But they keep running into problems . They only have a blank map . They get shipwrecked . And finally , sometimes a snark isn 't a snark , but a Boojum . And if you look at a Boojum , you 'll just fade away . Nine : Frank ? Frank , I 've rigged this whole place to blow . You 're wound 's not that bad . You should go . You could - you could take me with you . Frank : So they go out hunting for the Snark and one of the crewmen thinks he 's found it , but . . . he just disappears . So they search all night , but they can 't find him at all . Nine : I 'm sorry , Frank . I was wrong . I don 't want to die . Frank : Shh . We 're not going to die . Don 't worry . We 've see the Boojum . " In the midst of the word he was trying to say , in the midst of his laughter a glee , he had softly and suddenly vanished away . " Nine : I 'm sorry , Frank . I 'm afraid . Frank : Shh . Don 't be . We 'll just vanish away . " For the Snark was a Boo - " A month later , I met Mister Boots again and threw the book at his face . He left without saying a word and I 've never heard from him again . Richard and I traveled back to New Jersey . I 'm still getting use to him , getting to know him , getting to know me before I was Carol . And I miss Frank , so much sometimes that I cry myself to sleep . Still he haunts me , phantomwise . And maybe someday I 'll be able tell of my stories to someone else . Maybe I can tell them without sorrow in my heart and my eyes wet with tears , the tales of me and Frank looking for Boojums . The pleasures and pains , the forgetting and the remembering of my childhood , and those sad summer days . Some of you are probably wondering why I stopped posting . When was my last post ? Three months ago ? A lifetime ? Time seems to flow differently in my memories . It 's a poor sort of memory that only works backwards , I know , but it 's the only one I have . Looking back at this blog , I 'm struck by so many things . The nicknames I gave to everything , even to ourselves . I know it 's somewhat sad , but I miss it . Traveling with Frank . ( Frank , oh Frank . I didn 't even know his real name . ) It was . . . simpler . I know that 's hard to understand . Chasing things , interviewing survivors , that was simple ? It is compared to the life I have now . But I 'm getting ahead of things . Anyone reading this will probably be confused . I want to clear up any confusion , at least about what happened between then and now . I mean , my mind is still jumbled about lots of things , but I can tell what happened . I can give a clear account of events . I think . We drove to California , Frank and I , me and Frank . I was Carol then . Carol Baker . Frank Bellman . Looking for Boojums . We drove to California because it was the next place in the book , the book given to us by Mister Boots . ( That wasn 't his real name either , but I suspect his real name doesn 't matter at all . ) We drove to California , a place of sunshine and it was there we broke down . I mean that both literally and figuratively . First , our car literally broke down . It was old and Frank had had it repaired numerous times before ( he had , hadn 't he ? ) , but by the time we got to California , it was on its last legs . We eventually had to push it to a mechanic 's , but it would quite a lot of money to repair it . Frank and I decided it was better if we just bought a used car or rented a car . Frank and I were walking back to the motel when it happened . The truck . The white truck that had been following us . I hadn 't seen it in a while , but there it was . Driving down the road . It passed us and inside I saw . . . the driver was a man . An old man , thinning brown hair and sunken cheeks . He looked tired . He pulled over in front of us and I became afraid . He called out to us . " You guys need a lift ? " I looked at Frank and he knew . He knew this was the truck that had been following us . " No , thanks , " Frank said , " it 's not that far a walk . " " No , no , I insist , " the old man got out of the truck . He didn 't look dangerous . He just looked tired . " I want to help . " " I just want to help , " the old man said . " Suzie , please . " He rushed forward and Frank pulled the gun . " Suzie , please , " he repeated . " Please , Suzie , please . " The old man looked so pitiful - - Frank didn 't even have to point the gun at him and he had fallen to his knees . " Please , Suzie . Remember me , please . " The old man gasped as if I had stabbed him in the chest and pulled out a thick , brown wallet . He flipped it open and took out a picture . He gave it to Frank . Frank looked at it with a puzzled expression and then gave it to me . It was a picture of the old man and Suzie , his daughter . They were hugging and wearing smiles , standing before a Christmas tree . It was a picture of the old man and his daughter . He explained it later when we got back to the motel . His name was Richard Kingston . His daughter , Susan Kingston , had gone missing a year ago . He had put up signs and searched , but found nothing . Then there was hope . More specifically , there was Hope , New Jersey . It was just a coincidence that he was in the town while we were there , but he saw me . He knew me . And so he followed us . He wanted to know why I had left . He wanted to know I had been kidnapped or was running from something . He asked me so many questions . And I couldn 't answer any of them . I didn 't remember him . I swore he had the wrong person . But he didn 't . The more I looked the picture , the more I realized I was Suzie . I had no memories of being her , no memories of him . But that could be explained , couldn 't it ? The Aged Aged Man . The Blind Man . The Stealer of Memories , the Thief of Childhoods . But why did I remember another life ? Why did the Blind Man leave me with new memories ? All throughout this revelation , Frank had just sat and listened . After I was convinced , after I knew , he stepped outside . And found him looking up at the night sky , unaware of who he really was . Because if the Blind Man did this to me , He did this to Frank , too . And there was no father to tell Frank who he was , no crumpled picture of holidays past . Frank was a mystery and shall always remains so . We decided to keep going to Pasadena , me Frank and Richard ( I couldn 't call him my dad yet , I didn 't have that in me ) . We still had a job . We told Richard about this . He didn 't believe us . He thought we were just kind of crazy , but he wouldn 't leave . Not after he had found me . He would take us to Pasadena in his white pickup truck , the truck that had tailed us for weeks and weeks . It 's hard to put these words down . Without it written down , I could remember it however I wanted . But now it 's written down , solidified , frozen into text . I can 't write the rest . Not now . Not yet . Tomorrow . I 'll try to tell the rest tomorrow . And then it 'll be over . " My name is Alice , but - " " It 's a stupid name enough ! " Humpty Dumpty interrupted impatiently . " What does it mean ? " " Must a name mean something ? " Alice asked doubtfully . " Of course it must , " Humpty Dumpty said with a short laugh : " my name means the shape I am - and a good handsome shape it is , too . With a name like yours , you might be any shape , almost . " We need a vacation . Maybe while we 're there , we can go to a beach somewhere . Lay back on the sand , enjoy the sun . Before we go to wherever we 're supposed to go , meet whoever we 're supposed to meet , see whatever we 're supposed to see . Frank called the feds . The group that call themselves the SMSC , he called them . I don 't know how he got their number - - maybe one of the interviewees had it - - but he called them . I didn 't object , because how could I ? How could we fight this thing ? So we let them handle it . We arrived at the prison this morning to see dozens of black SUVs outside . A man met us at the gate and introduced himself as Special Agent Ian Fish . " You 'll have to wait outside the gates , " he said . Frank told him he was the one who called in the tip . " Yes , I know , " Special Agent Fish said . " You 'll still have to wait outside . It 's for your own safety . " So we waited . I was glad we weren 't allowed in . Occasionally , someone would check up on us . Finally , a few hours later , Special Agent Fish himself came out and talked to us . " I want to thank you , " he said . " We 've been getting reports now from all over about these little toys appearing , growing bigger , and then disappearing . Sometimes they kill , sometimes they don 't . We 've evacuated this part of the prison in preparation for the capture or termination of this entity . " As he explained , I realized something : this was new to them , too . They had never seen this and they had been at this far longer than we had . This must have been the Boojum just born , what Steward called the Manufactured Newborn . " We 've got it cornered now , though , " Special Agent Fish said . " I don 't think it 's like the others . I don 't think it can move around like them . I think we got lucky today , thanks to you . " He smiled at us and then a very loud explosion boomed across the prison . Dust billowed into the sky as one of the walls of the prison collapsed . Something shifted , something moved , and then , faster than anything I 'd ever seen , it leaped out . It was big . As big as a car . It had legs like a centipede , many and jointed . It looked patchwork , like it had constructed itself from any materials on hand . I saw prison bars and chair legs and bones . I saw a dark red splotch that must have been Hickson 's heart , but in the middle I saw something else . In the middle I saw a snowglobe just sitting there , like it was its brain . It was a quick nightmare . It didn 't give anyone time to think . It moved before they could fire and when they did , it wasn 't in the place where they fired . Special Agent Fish took out his firearm and started shooting , while Frank took my hand and we both curled up inside the car , hoping we wouldn 't get shot . It was over before I knew it . No more shooting was heard . I peered outside and saw it . It had climbed up on a fence and one leg had . . . it had ripped a hole in the world . No one said anything , no one shot their gun , they just stood their as the thing ripped the hole wider . On the other side . . . it looked like nothing I 've ever seen . I only saw a glimpse . Just a glimpse . It looked like an engine . A monstrous engine . The thing pushed itself through the hole and it closed itself afterwards . We didn 't want to stay there . Frank drove away before Special Agent Fish could find us again . Whatever had happened was no success for them . We didn 't want to stick around if they got suspicious of us and decided to throw us in jail or worse . The Cheshire Cat . That 's what we 'll call it . The Cheshire Cat . Appearing and disappearing at random , vanishing into whatever hell it came from . He left us a letter . Sigand , Hickson 's cellmate , left us a letter . The local police have already read it and asked us why we wished to see Sigand . We gave them the same story as the one we gave Sigand - - that we 're reporters that want to know about Hickson 's last days . We had petitioned Sigand for over a week to interview him and he only acquiesced the day before his death . Apparently , he wrote us this letter the day he died . Perhaps even just hours before . The police have the original as evidence , but they gave us a copy and asked if we understood what it meant . We told them we didn 't . Dear ms . Hargreaves [ the fake name I had given him ] What happened to Hickson was justice . He mirdered those girls and he got what he deserved . But now its loose . Now it wont stop . It started last week . A few things went missing . We all thoght there was a theif . But then sum of us saw it in the hall . It looked like a strange toy , weird and incompleet . It hid in Hicksons cell away from genpop . I saw it there once . I gess he thoght it was like a pet . But it wasnt . I saw it afterwards . After it killed Hickson . It was covered in blood and it had his hart , Hicksons hart inside it . It looked bigger . It wont stop now . It will come after all of us until its big and strong enuff to escape . Im sorry , Russell Stigand I don 't know . This . . . this isn 't like any Boojum we 've encountered before . Stigand wrote that it 'll kill again . Can we . . . can we stop it ? Okay , so , it took over a week to finally convince Wayne Hickson 's cellmate , Russell Stigand , to agree to an interview with us . He wasn 't in the cell at the time of Hickson 's death , but we figured hey , anything is better than nothing . And nothing was what we had so far . So we rode down to the prison yesterday . Except we weren 't allowed in - there was a lockdown in progress . It seems another prisoner had died like Hickson . That prisoner being Russell Stigand . Yeah . Stigand was in prison for armed robbery - nothing to do with little kids . If this is the Jabberwock , his MO is off . Of course , the Jobberwock 's MO has never really been all that clear , but this . . . there 's something else going on here . We 've arrived in Leavenworth . Somewhat appropriately , we arrived during the first official day of summer , the longest day of the year . Somehow , I thought this would be like the last two - that whatever happens would happen after we arrive . But I was wrong . A local prisoner by the name of Wayne Hickson was eviscerated , with all his internal organs removed . Hickson had been convicted of the murder of two children a few months ago and hadn 't been released to general population yet . It wasn 't hard to put two and two together : child killer plus evisceration equals the Jabberwock . Problem was , there were no witnesses . Hickson was killed in his room . There 's no security camera inside . Nothing to see . No one to interview . We 're getting close to Leavenworth . We 've been stopping each night to stay in a motel , which slows us down , but neither of us like driving at night . We 've had . . . bad experiences in that regard . Maybe I should tell the story - - it could illuminate information on another Boojum ( or perhaps they weren 't Boojums at all ) . So : driving at night . The headlights shown ahead of us , illuminating the road and little else . I 'm lucky that Frank is such a cautious driver , otherwise we may have hit the car in front of us that was stopped . Nonetheless , it was a close call , but Frank was able to stop before hitting the other car 's bumper . " Hello ? " Frank said and the driver jumped up , surprised . " Do you need any help ? Do you want us to call triple - A for you ? " The driver look disheveled . " I 'm sorry , " he said . " I just . . . I lost my keys . I know I had them . I know I did . They just . . . they just disappeared . I 'm sorry . " " In the ignition , " he whispered . " They were in the ignition and I was driving and then they weren 't there . And the car stopped . But I know they were there . " He gave up looking through the glove compartment and just starting tossing everything inside it on the car seat . The driver continued to frantically search for his missing keys when the car starting to shake . Frank and I backed away , but the driver was so shaken , he couldn 't move at all . Then , a shadow passed through his car , covering the interior like all the lights had gone out . When it moved through the car , all the papers and pamphlets the driver had dumped out of his glove compartment shuffled into one large , neat stack and then quietly shifted back into the glove compartment and organized themselves . Everything in the car arranged itself neatly and the driver , in a panic , tried to open the car door . The shadows apparently didn 't like that . They tried to . . . they tried to neaten him up . To organize him . A shadow passed over his head and his whole body seemed to stand rigid in attention . His arms pushed themselves down , his legs closed together , and his head snapped upward , his eyes open with alarm . He tried to turn . I could see him straining . I think the shadows decided to just let him go then , because he head then snapped sideways and he fell down onto the steering wheel with a broken neck . The shadows pulled his body backwards and laid him neatly on the seat and then seemed to melt away . Frank and I got back into the car and buckled our seatbelts . We didn 't say a word as we drove around the man 's car and away from it all . The only sound I made was a gasp as I found a new set of keys in my purse , keys that weren 't mine . Frank looked at them and then told me to put them back where I found them in my purse and never touch them . Still on the road . It 's taking us longer than expected to get to the next place in the book : Leavenworth , Kansas . Yes . Joy . I 've been writing in my journal more often . I know it 's sort of paradoxical having a journal and a blog , but the journal is for more private thoughts . Thoughts I don 't wish to share , not even with Frank . He respects that - sometimes I think it would be a good idea if he had a journal , too , or if he wrote more in the blog . But he doesn 't . Even I know sometimes that private journals aren 't private though , so my journal is an old copy of Through the Looking - Glass and I write my thoughts underneath the words and in the margins . So technically , it 's a palimpsest . I don 't know why I decided to do it that way , but I did . I like writing underneath words that were written before - words describing Alice 's live chess match , her conversation with the Red Queen , all the nonsense wisdom . I never really understood the book before we started on this mission - or whatever you would call it . I always thought it was just pure nonsense . It is nonsense , but it 's right , too . I don 't know what I 'm saying . I just reread this passage and I 'm getting tired : " Now , here , you see , it takes all the running you can do , to keep in the same place . If you want to get somewhere else , you must run at least twice as fast as that ! " Run as twice as fast to stay where you are . Nonsense wisdom , see ? We left Hope behind yesterday . It didn 't seem so pleasant after what happened . I 've managed to figure out what was going on , but I don 't really want to talk about it ( if you really want to know , go read about what happened from Steward ) . Onward . The road feels more and more like home these days . Highways , gas stations , rest stops . Places of transition , people coming and going , only stopping for a few minutes . Liminal places . In - between places . I 'm going to talk about the Looking - Glass now . It was one of our first interviews after Mister Boots recruited us . We talked to a Mister Higgins , whose daughter and her friend were taken by the Looking - Glass . By the City . We didn 't really believe it , you know . I mean , Frank and I had seen weird things - the Incident with the Aged Aged Man - but now someone was asking us to believe in a city that was alive . A place that lived outside of reality and trapped people within its maze . It seemed kind of silly . ( I know , I know , arbitrary skepticism ahoy . ) But we did our interview and further research . We looked at the place where the girls vanished . We even interviewed other family members and friends . Finally , we were going to close the book on it and move on . Then , we heard that Mister Higgins himself had disappeared . . . out of a locked mental institution . The security tape of his room ( don 't ask us how we got it ) showed him waking up , then looking at the door to his room in awe . The camera wasn 't pointed at the door , so it couldn 't see it , but we saw Mister Higgins turn the knob and open the door , illuminating him in sunlight . Then , he walked through and the door closed behind him . Sometimes , I wish I could have seen inside the Looking - Glass . Just for a moment . He had such a happy look on his face . But then I pull myself back to reality , back to the road ahead . Back to work . Carol 's sleeping now . I 'm going to let her . I don 't want her telling what happened last night . I know she doesn 't want to remember it , but she will write it down just so it 's written . So I will write it , so she doesn 't have to . When we arrived , the gates had already been broken open . Carol looked at me with that questioning eye and I took out the gun . We walked steadily through the amusement park , which in the dark of the night had become so much more sinister and unnerving . Then , suddenly , we saw it : a Door in the middle of the path . A Door to the Looking - Glass . We ran off the side , behind the wooden horses of a Merri - Go - Round , as the Door opened and three men walked out . And then , just to make matters worse , several dozen more people ran down the path . They must have arrived as soon as the Door appeared . Men with guns and wicked grins . Following whatever orders they had gleefully . And behind them , a man in a suit . Leisurely strolling after them . He turned and , unlike the others , saw us hiding . He gave a little wave and then continued walking . I knew then that he must have been Steward . I don 't know how long we stayed there . Hours , minutes , seconds . We heard an unholy scream and then suddenly there was a hush as all the air stopped . I held onto Carol 's hand as we waited . Then , as suddenly as it descended , the silence went away and I could hear her . Carol . She was whispering . It was supposed to calm her . She only said it when she was about to panic . I held onto her hands and we listened as the sound of gunshots faded away . So the kerfuffle I talked about last post ? Turns out it was between some proxy of the Jabberwock named Steward ( with two Revenants in tow ) and two other people opposed to the Jabberwock named Peter and Hunter - and the little girl the witnesses mentioned was a servant to the Carpenter . So I guess we probably should have believed the witness who stated she instigated the fight . Anyway , I 'm glad we weren 't there when it happened . I hate guns . And violence . I mean , Frank and I learned how to use a gun and keep one packed with us - - we 're not stupid - - but I just hate them . There 's no taking back a mistake with a gun . We went to the Land of Make Believe again today . It was kind of crowded , probably because it was Saturday . Still , we didn 't notice anything out of the ordinary . Frank wants to go back tonight , though , after it gets dark . Around eleven . When I asked why , he said he was just getting a funny feeling . I 've learned to trust Frank 's funny feelings over the months . When we got back to the hotel , I saw him unpack the gun . He never unpacks the gun unless he thinks something 's going to go wrong . I hope Frank 's feeling is wrong . If not , if something does happen , I hope we get there after that fact . I hope there are survivors we can interview . We interviewed about five witnesses to the event - each one had a different perspective . One said that two men at a table drew guns and tried to shoot three innocent men who were walking past . Another witness said that the three men tried to kidnap a little girl who was staying with the first two men at the table , which is why the two men attacked . Still another witness claims that the little girl was the one who attacked one of the men and started the whole fight ( needless to say , we didn 't believe this witness at all ) . Still , there one thing all witnesses agreed on : the participants of the fight all seemed to vanish away when no one was looking . Police have searched all over for them , but there 's no sign . So this either means that they were all servants to the Jabberwock or that they have access to the Looking - Glass . I talked with Frank to see if this was what we were supposed to observe and write about , but he doesn 't think so . Even though all the participants disappeared , none of them appeared to be Boojums . He thinks we should stay a few more nights and if nothing happens , then we should leave . Actually , I don 't know what I expected . Usually , the places we go are hospitals or asylums , places that reek of disinfectant and despair . We hardly ever go to places like this . Looks like we came before the event , too . Whatever it will be . We 've been asking around , but nothing strange has happened so far . We took a look at the Land of Make Believe , but it looked like a perfectly normal amusement park . Apparently , it 's supposed to be " safe and wholesome recreation , " but somehow , I don 't think they have control over what frightens little children . I used to be scared to death of the Teacups at Disneyland . Spinning at high velocity , afraid that at any moment you might let go and be flung off into the sky . Frank is being more silent than usual . He told me he wouldn 't be mad if I wrote about the Incident , but maybe he is . It used to be the secret that held us together , but it 's not really a secret anymore . And it never was - - Mister Boots knew about it without even asking us . He knew where to find us , who we were , everything . People like us . That 's what hooked Frank , I think . Find more people like us . Make sure we weren 't crazy . Make sure none of this was happening in our heads . I read this poem back in college . It don 't remember who it was written by , but it kind of stuck in my head . The last verse especially : We are all of us - - all of us mad . Sometimes I think about that when we 're driving in lonely roads , with nothing but the static in between radio stations to fill the silence . Why are we doing this ? Well , we are all of us mad . We haven 't talked much today . I know Frank doesn 't want to think about what I said . About how we were there before it happened . ( We always arrive afterwards . We 're not runners . We 're not fighters . We 're just looking for the story - if there isn 't a story yet , we won 't be there . ) He did , however , give a grudging approval about talking about the Incident . It was the Aged Aged Man . ( Why do we use these silly names ? Because they are silly . They are something silly in a decidedly unsilly world . ) The Aged Aged Man with his gray hair and wrinkled face , his dark glasses glinting in fluorescent light . Always carrying that book with a thick , red cover . We met him in the college 's library . He wasn 't there for us , but we saw him . He must have let us see him . He looked so . . . unreal . Or perhaps more real . Hyperreal . He was part of something that was realer than the world around him , our world . So we followed him . I don 't know why we were so brave and stupid , but we did . We followed him into dank tunnels and found the bindings of books filled with childhood memories . We found where the spiders spun the cloth that made the pages of his books . And then we looked into the pits that were his eyes . We still remember our childhoods . I don 't know why the Aged Aged Man left us with them . I don 't know why he let us follow him either . I don 't think I 'll ever know . Blossomville High . One student , one gun , one bullet . Marie Stephens went to her locker during lunch and stuck a gun into her mouth and pulled the trigger . How do we know this is the work of a Boojum and not just some messed up kid that lost at the game of life ? ( Well , for one thing , we 're here - this is where Mister Boots sent us - so there must be something here and this was the only thing that happened . ) But there 's something else , too . Witnesses to Marie 's last day , to her Act of Despair , said that they tried to talk to her , but couldn 't . Nobody talked to her as she went to her locker and took out the gun . Nobody said a word . Except one student ( unnamed by the newspaper ) who , in fact , heard two words : do it . Mrs . Stephens : I didn 't mean to say it . I didn 't mean to say it . I didn 't . I didn 't mean to say it . Mrs . Stephens : I told her . I told her but I didn 't mean it . I told her I never loved her . I didn 't mean to say it . I only wanted to say have a nice day . Have a nice day , Marie . Have a nice day . " We can 't . You know that . " He stopped packing . " I 'm sorry , " he said in a whisper . " What 's the next city ? " I looked at the book . " Hope Township , New Jersey , " I said . There was something else written next to the city name , as well . I thought it was a joke , though Mister Boots probably never tells jokes . So , we 're at Blossomville , Pennsylvania right now and , well , we have nothing . We can 't find a single incident in any newspaper that could possibly be a sign of a Boojum . Nothing . Nada . Zilch . We 're staying in another motel and it 's rather cheap , even for us . But we have to save money - we don 't have paying jobs anymore and , well , Mister Boots doesn 't provide much in the way of compensation . If he ever shows up at all . This used to be a big coal - mining town , but it stopped a few decades ago . Something about a coal fire . But that 's too far in the past - it 's the recent events we look at to try and find the Boojums . And so far , as I 've already said , we 've got nothing . I 'm staring at the motel wall , trying to think of things to write . If I don 't write , that means I 'll either watch the crummy TV or read one of the books I 've already read a thousand times . If I do nothing , I 'll start thinking about why we are here and I don 't want to do that . I don 't want to remember the Incident , but I guess I can write about it . If I write about it , will that help forget it ? Can I transfer my memories to words and leave them there ? And me ? I 've gotten used to it . That 's . . . not exactly a good thing . Carol may have taken two hours to pack but I had been packed and ready for weeks . I knew Mister Boots would find us one day and send us out again . It was only a matter of time . That 's why I 'm doing this . As Carol said , everything has to end sometime . This has to end sometime and I 'm going to be a part of it until it does . I read what Carol wrote , about her fear that I would leave her alone one day , that she would wake up and I would be gone . That 's never going to happen . She saved me . The day after the Incident , she saved me . I was convinced I was insane . My family has a history and I 've seen what happened to some of them towards the end . But Carol was there and she took my hand and I knew I wasn 't crazy . So I 'm staying with her until this whole thing is over . Some of you may wonder why we use terminology from Lewis Carroll . Well , first , we don 't want to reveal our real names ( yes , these are fake names ) . The other reason is that , well , when we decided that we weren 't crazy , the world itself must have gone a bit crazy to have let the Incident happen . And Lewis Carroll wrote about worlds that were wondrous and insane . And The Hunting of the Snark . Well , that 's a story about people who go out to find something and it turns out that something finds them . The creature they thought they hunted was not what they expected . So we called them Boojums . We 've been driving all day . The first city in the book was a place called Blossomville , Pennsylvania , but that 's a long way off . So we took turns driving Frank 's old beat up Toyota pickup . When both of us were too tired to drive , we stopped at a motel . Frank 's trying to sleep now . He doesn 't want to be here , I know . The last interview . . . it wasn 't good . But he 's doing this anyway . Everything needs to be finished . But Frank and I . . . we 're not running . I mean , with what happened , you would probably expect us to run . But nothing 's chasing after us . There are no proxies on our heels , no Slender Man waiting behind every door . We 're just roaming , gathering stories . We met at school . We weren 't friends . We said hi to each other every once in a while , but we hung out with different people . A few years later , when I was going to night school at a community college , we met again and this time we did become friends . We knew each other in a class full of strangers . This lasted up until the Incident . The Incident was where everything changed . Except it didn 't . We pretended that it didn 't happen . That nothing was different . But we felt it . Then we met him . He said his name was Mister Boots . He would be our benefactor . We would work for him . Try to find other people , other Incidents . I can see him turning in his bed now . Frank . He 's always had the most nightmares about the Incident . Me , I don 't have nightmares about it . That 's what memories are for . I have nightmares about the day that Frank isn 't there anymore . That day I wake up and he 's gone . That day I do this job alone . The day that I meet Mister Boots with his wrinkled hands and cold eyes and he gives me a new list of cities . Because we said yes . Sorry for not posting any interviews in a while . We 've been . . . busy . There was an incident at a hospital and Frank was arrested . Everything was sorted out , but Frank wanted to stay in one place for a while . So we stayed in this small town . It was fine . Frank and I got jobs and an apartment and in the mornings , when we woke up , we pretended that we couldn 't remember our nightmares . I worked as a waitress in a diner here . It 's not fancy , but it 's a job . Today , a man walked in . He ordered coffee and sipped it as he read a small , thin book . I tried not to notice his face or his hands , which were filled with wrinkles . I wiped tables until I saw he was gone . He left his book behind . I opened it and two hours later , I was packed and ready to go . Frank came home and saw me and I showed him the book . I 'm standing outside of a padded room in the Ripton County Psychiatric Hospital . This area of the hospital makes the Sunnyside Wellness Center look like a day spa . Standing next to me is Dr . J . Emerson , the attending psychiatrist for Raymond Rutherford . Dr . Emerson : As you can see , Mr . Bellman , Mr . Rutherford is in no condition to be interviewed . He has had a severe psychotic break due to the incident . Dr . Emerson : You should stay at least five feet away from him . If he doesn 't like you , he tends to attack , even in the straightjacket . I 'll be right outside . Bellman : Mr . Rutherford ? My name is Frank Bellman . I 'm writing an article on what happened to you and your family . Can you tell me what happened ? The police report says that you shot - Rutherford : Shot ? So quick , so clean an ending ? Oh that was right , lad , that was brave . Yours was not an ill for mending , ' twas best to take it to the grave . Rutherford : I understand . Right you guessed the rising morrow and scorned to tread the mire you must . Dust 's your wages , son of sorrow , but men may come to worse than dust . Men may come to worse than dust . I 'm sitting at a small plastic table within the Sunnyside Wellness Center in P _______ , California . Annette Hodge , forty - seven , is sitting across the table . She 's wearing a starch white shirt and blue pants - like all the other patients of the Sunnyside Wellness Center . Hodge : Oh , I don 't mind . I 've told it often enough to various psychiatrists and psychologists and every other headshrinker they got here . You want it from the beginning ? Hodge : Okay , well . Five years ago , me and my family . . . my husband and my two boys , Kevin and Jerome . . . they were good boys , though they liked roughhousing . . . anyway , my family and me went camping . Up near Y __________ . We used to go there every few years . Just camp out for a few days . My husband , Paul , he used to love it . [ She takes a long sip of water ] Anyway , it was our first night camping in a while . We set up two tents - one for me and Paul and one for the boys . Paul had already gone to sleep and I was driftin ' off when I heard this noise . Like a growlin ' noise . But not like any animal I 'd heard before . Then I hear this scream . You heard of the term bloodcurdling , right ? [ I nod ] Well , it was like all my blood curdled in my body . Because I knew that scream was one of the boys . So I rushed out of the tent , not even bothering to see if my husband had woken up yet and I rushed over to the boys ' tent . But I was too late . Their . . . their throats had been torn out . And as I looked at them and wept , I heard another scream and though oh god oh god Paul . So I rushed over to our tent and there it was . Hodge : You want to know what it looked like ? You 're gonna laugh . To me . . . to me it looked like the Wolf Man . From that old movie . Lon Chaney in all that makeup . But without all that hair on his face - and with these teeth , like razors . He didn 't look funny at all , Ms . Baker . He looked . . . he looked like he could rip my eyes out of my socket before I could move . He looked intelligent . And then I noticed he was standing over my husband 's body , one hand holding Paul 's throat closed and I knew it had been slashed , just like my boys . But he was holding it closed and my husband managed to utter one word before he died . Just one word . " Hell , " he said . Do you get it ? Hodge : Well , my husband had just completed the name . " Rakehell . " You know what a Rakehell is ? A lewd or wanton person . It was certainly wanton . Those headshrinkers I saw ? They said I just hallucinated the creature , that my grief caused a , what was it , a break with reality . But you know it 's real , right ? Hodge : Good . Because it still visits me sometimes . That 's why I checked in here . I thought I could get away from it . But I can 't . Even with locked doors and barred windows , it still visits me . And it tells me the most horrid things . It whispers , Ms . Baker . Do you understand ? That 's what we look for . Their wake . The people they leave behind , scarred mentally and physically . Left in prisons or mental institutions . We can 't do anything to help them , only record their stories . But that 's something . Frank and I , we go place to place , city to city , searching for those strange incidents you never hear about . Murderers that claim there was someone else there , some shadowy figure in the background . Witnesses to carnage that see crowds of unnatural people . Men and women left in despair , believing themselves insane , simply because what they saw does not correspond to what they knew of reality . I 'll pretend to be a reporter and pass off my fake credentials ( printed at a college reprographics shop ) . If they insist on calling the paper , I give them Frank 's number . If they still won 't allow me in , I get Frank to go , posing as a doctor or lawyer , with similar fake credentials . Eventually , one of us gets the interview and tells the story . This is not about how to fight them ( and if you know who " they " are , bully for you ) . This is about the flotsom and jetsom they leave behind . This is about the people in their wake . |
by deatheater » Thu Feb 25 , 2010 1 : 20 am This is a repost of the first chapter . It 's just one of many chapters that I will rewrite . Sorry that it doesn 't fit with the second chapter but I will fix that soon . Warning . . . Contains Blood Chapter 1 : Mayday Mayday Mayday I knew Private Dunham didn " ™ t mean any disrespect by his comment . That was just his way of speaking . Same with the others onboard : Private Christopher Jones , Private Daniel Hopkins , and Lieutenant Eric Holms . We were all about the same age , around twenty - five . All graduates of the same space program . We had been together for almost six months on our space ship and we grew kind of fond of each other , but I still liked to keep things professional . My daily routine of engine checks , hydro core temperature checks , and habitat checks were done for the day , so I decided to put the ship on auto pilot and head back into the galley . " I , was just married before we went on this trip , and I recently found out that my wife " ™ s pregnant , so I can " ™ t wait to get back home , " Daniel said with a huge grin on his face . " What about you Private Dunham ? " I asked , looking at him from across the table . " Well , I guess that just leaves me , " Eric said looking around at everyone . " I don " ™ t have a family , but I just recently accepted a new job offer to help train other people go into space . I " ™ ve always wanted to be a trainer , so once we land I " ™ ll be able to start . " " Don " ™ t be , I love this life . . . this is my dream , and I wouldn " ™ t trade it for anything . So don " ™ t dwell on me , ok . So . . . on another note , what " ™ s for dinner , and if you say that tooth - past shit again I might shoot ya . " " No Captain , today we have MRE " ™ s , " Chris said with a bit of a smirk on his face . " Good , because I can " ™ t stand that other crap . I don " ™ t know why I even buy it . " Once they were prepared , we all sat down in the galley to enjoy our meals . We all had some sort of pasta , but it was at least better than that tube stuff that they called food . We were all joking about each other , and what we were going to do once we got home , and that " ™ s when I realized that something was wrong . " What is it Captain , I don " ™ t hear anything ? " Eric said . " That " ™ s just it , I don " ™ t hear anything . . . The engines , I don " ™ t hear them . " " SON - OF - A BITCH ! " I shouted as I jumped out of my seat and ran into the cockpit . The rest of the crew just sat at the table looking at each other , wondering what just happened . I opened the door and jumped in the pilot " ™ s chair , catching a glimpse of our green and blue planet in front of us . I quickly scanned the engine instruments , the hydro core was fine , but it wasn " ™ t sending power to the engines . Eric then burst through the cockpit door , " What " ™ s going on . . . What " ™ s happening ? " " What the hell is that ? " Eric said , pointing out in front of me . I looked up and saw it ; a bluish ring was now between us , and Earth . " I don " ™ t know , but we " ™ re going through . " " SHIT , I lost the nav . equipment . " The engine warning was still going off and it was distracting me so I pulled the circuit breaker to turn it off . The windscreen then started to glow red , as we entered Earth " ™ s atmosphere . " Mayday , mayday , mayday . . . Adventure to Space Control , I " ™ ve lost engine power , we are now entering Earth " ™ s atmosphere at two thousand knots . . . I have lost all navigation equipment , and possibly the radios . . . I am going to put her down where I think it " ™ s safe . . . There are 5 souls onboard . . . mayday , mayday , mayday . " " Oh my God we " ™ re going to die aren " ™ t we , " Chris said holding onto both shoulder harnesses with his hands . Eric then looked at Chris trying to comfort him , " No , no were not . Our Captain is a great pilot . He " ™ s going to do everything he can to put this ship down safely . " Eric then looked ahead trying to hide the fear that was growing on his face . All of the windows down the fuselage were glowing red and the ship began to shake a little from turbulence . My eyes were dancing frantically across the control panel looking for a solution . Not finding one , I decided to shut down the hydro core to keep it from exploding on impact . I then extended the flaps to full to slow my decent . We were traveling well above the flap design speed , but I had no choice , I had to extend the flaps now , because without the hydro core I couldn " ™ t operate them . The ship began to slow down and I could hear the sound of groaning metal . I then heard what sounded like several gunshots as the flaps tore away from the wings . They worked a little , managing to slow the ship down to about nine hundred knots . I looked down at the security video and could see everyone in the back with their heads down . No doubt praying that they would survive . I looked ahead and could see the ground rapidly approaching , so I lifted the nose to try and slow the ship down as much as I could . Without the core I couldn " ™ t automatically lower the landing gear . I pulled the lever down and let the gear free fall , then used the emergency hand pump to lower it the rest of the way into the lock position . Three green lights illuminated on the control panel , the landing gear was down and locked . Houses began to appear on the landscape and with no runway in sight I began to aim towards what looked like a field . The houses were getting closer and I was still traveling at about seven hundred knots . Judging the distance from the ground we were about five thousand feet in the air . " Prepare for crash landing , prepare for crash landing , " I shouted over the intercom . We were one thousand feet off the ground , I had a spot picked out on the ground , and we were traveling at about five hundred knots ; about five times faster than a normal approach . I took one last look out the side of the windscreen and noticed that the houses were about three hundred feet tall . " What the hell is going on ? Where the hell are we ? " I said to myself as I turned away and looked out in front of me . I shook the thought and confusion from my mind and replaced it with a look of determination and focus . I then began to mentally count down to impact . " Five , four , three , two . . . " The main gear hit hard and slammed the nose wheel into the ground . The resulting force destroyed the nose gear , and the uneven ground shredded what was left of the main gear . I was thrown forward in my seat , and almost blacked out from the force . In the back , the men shut their eyes hard as the main gear hit the ground . All the men shot forward in their seats , but Chris " ™ s eyes shot open as his shoulder harness broke free . He screamed as he was thrown across the galley into a wall . The other men watched in horror as Chris " ™ s body left a red smear on the wall and now lay limp on the floor . Eric and Charles looked at each other with concern , and then noticed that Daniel , who was sitting between them , wasn " ™ t moving . His neck had been broken from the whiplash . " OH MY GOD ! " Charles yelled , screaming in panic . The ship was still skidding across the ground as light began to pierce through the sides of the fuselage . Charles went into blind panic , " OH MY GOD THE SHIPS BREAKING APART , WE " ™ RE ALL GOING TO DIE ! " Eric just kept praying that they would be ok . The light was coming through near the windows . The force of the impact had cracked the seams between the windows and the pressure threatened to blow them out . The ship hit a bump in the ground and a couple of the windows on Charles side exploded . Eric was watching Charles , who was watching the windows when they broke . Charles " ™ head then snapped around towards Eric ; a piece of glass protruding from the center of his forehead . Eric watched as Charles " ™ head slumped forward , and blood began to stain the glass red . Suddenly the ship came to a halt as Eric threw up in his lap . He unbuckled his harness and fell to the ground in front of him crying and in pain . Back up front , I unbuckled my shoulder harness and exited the cockpit ; the control panel was randomly sparking behind me . When I entered the galley I saw the magnitude of the crash . My gorge rose but I held it down . I didn " ™ t know what to do . All of my crewmembers were dead , and it was all my fault . Eric " ™ s body began to move and I ran over to him . " Eric . . . Eric . . . Are you ok ? " Eric was crying and all I could do was hold him in my arms . I then gave him a hug , " It " ™ s ok Eric , it " ™ s ok . . . your safe . . . your fine . " After about a minute just sitting there I helped him to his feet . " Come on Eric , we need to get out of the ship , now . " Eric just nodded towards me as we stood up . We walked over to the door , and I punched in the security code next to it to depressurize the airtight seal . A green light illuminated on the keypad and I opened the door . As the sunlight shown in on our faces , we both winced as the door opened . Holding each other in the doorway , once our eyes focused , we both stood in shock at what we saw . [ quote : b6e38d8126 ] " Yes " I said , please " ¦ don " ™ t eat " ¦ me ; I didn " ™ t know what else to say and just waited for the giant to speak . Tim stared at me in disbelief and was sorry for what he had just done . He then spoke and said that he would not hurt me and was sorry for what he did to my friend . He then asked what my name was , what I was , and what I was doing hear . I told him that my name was Ken , and explained how I was a human from a planet called earth , and that my spaceship crashed with four other humans onboard , two of which died from the crash , one I don " ™ t know what happened to and the other " ¦ um " ¦ you ate " ¦ so umm " ¦ what " ™ s " ¦ . your name " ¦ . [ / quote : b6e38d8126 ] " I 'm Ken , " I replied , timidly at first but slowly gaining in confidence . " We were from a planet called Earth , and when our ship crashed , two of my close friends died . " I gulped , swallowing the pain and hurt I felt from the loss of their lives . " And you , " I started , but then was unable to finish as the horrible memory of Bob 's ripped - open torso filled my mind . The giant nodded his understanding , and blahblahblahblah . [ / quote : b6e38d8126 ] I 'm sorry , but these are very generic names . Interesting and memorable names make the reader more likely to remember your story and be more interested in the characters . And last names are helpful as well . I draw on movies , games , and everyday life for my names , I even used a phone book for The War to End All Wars . Finally , you condense what could be a four or five chapter story into one big piece of text . To keep people interested , try shorter ( if you use Word , about 3 - 4 pages ) updates with the occasional cliffhanger . Another strategy is to get a general plot outline before writing ANYTHING . That way , your story has direction and a purpose . Overall , an okay first story . Just keep at it , you 'll get better the more you write , and don 't worry about comments that are just flat - out negative ( I got several of these when I first published on this site ) . Just some more polish and a few tweaks here and there and you could have a longer narrative . Sorry if this was kind of long btw , hope it helps somewhat ! by dragon mith » Thu Feb 25 , 2010 9 : 59 am I was surprised to find out that they were both untouched and still working . I wasnâ €™ t to surprised because these electronics were designed to withstand a crash and post crash fire . small err there , but a very nive story , good work ! I am Ceteris paribus ! by deatheater » Thu Feb 25 , 2010 3 : 33 pm Thanks lolzrpwnrd for the feedback . I will try cut up my paragraphs into smaller ones , as I like to write big paragraphs . I will also keep my Chapters much shorter than the first . Hopefully the second chapter will be much better and will be uploaded in a couple of days . Tim was sitting at his desk , filling out his recruitment form for the military . He had just sealed the letter when something outside his bedroom window caught his eye . It looked like a toy plane , but as it got closer he could see smoke coming out of it . " Hmm , must be some kid " ™ s toy . . . well whatever it is , it looks like it " ™ s going to crash . " Tim kept watching it until it fell behind the fence into a field behind his backyard . He couldn " ™ t see it hit the ground , but knew it was back there and just waited for a kid to come out and claim it . When nobody came he decided to go and check it out for himself . _______________ " I don " ™ t know . " I just looked around at the tall trees in the distance and the blades of grass that were about twice our size . Because the landing gear was damaged the doorway was only about ten feet off the ground instead of twenty . " All right Eric , we gotta jump , " I said as I took him by the hand . We both jumped together and landed with a thud , on the ground . As we got to our feet , we just looked up at the grass that was now over our heads . " Ken . . . What " ™ s going on ? " I looked at Eric , but I didn " ™ t know . Usually I had the answers , and was calm , but this time I was nervous and didn " ™ t know what to say . I tried to regain some control of the situation , so as not to appear weak . " Ok , Eric , first things first , we need to build a camp . If someone comes looking for us , the best place to be is next to the ship . Go out , but don " ™ t venture to far , and find something to burn , while I attempt to make some sort of camp here . " " No . . . I don " ™ t know how badly damaged the ship is , and if a fire starts while we " ™ re sleeping , we " ™ ll both die . I can " ™ t take that risk . Plus , I don " ™ t think we can get back in it now . " Tim opened the gate and then stepped out his back yard and into the field . He spotted the toy out in front of him , and then after looking to the left and the right and realized no one was coming , he proceeded to walk over to it . _______________ I was on the ground , making a fire pit when I heard a scream that was cut short . I realized that Eric was just killed by something so I immediately stood up , and looked into the tall grass . Suddenly a shadow fell on me and when I looked up , I nearly passed out . It was a man , no , a wolf ; it was about eighty feet tall , and it was coming towards me . Panic took over me and I began to run away into the tall grass . Tim walked over to the strange toy and when he bent down to look at it , he noticed something dart off behind it . He couldn " ™ t see what it was , but he could see the grass moving as it ran off . At first he thought it was a mouse , but he noticed that it was moving rather slow in the tall grass , so he decided to see what it was . I just kept running , even though I had no clue where I was running too . I thought I had escaped the monster but the shadow came back , and I started to run again . I knew I wasn " ™ t getting far ; running through grass that " ™ s about twice my size was like running through the thickest jungle . However this time I couldn " ™ t escape the shadow , and I did the one thing that I shouldn " ™ t have , I looked back . I didn " ™ t know what to do when I saw a huge furry hand with huge claws reaching for me . I frozen in fear , and was powerless as the monster " ™ s hand reached through the grass . Thank god , I didn " ™ t have to go , because if I did I would have soiled myself as the huge fingers closed around me . My stomach left me as I was lifted into the air , and brought to the face of the huge monster . It had huge brown eyes , grey fur , clothes , and oh god , huge fangs that could rip me apart in seconds . It " ™ s nose flared and I could feel its warm breath wash over my face . I was shaking in fear ; here I was , caught in the grasp of a huge monster that was probably going to eat me alive . I saw it " ™ s mouth open a bit and I began to panic . " NOOO . . . p - please d - don " ™ t eat me , " I screamed as I looked down and began to cry . My eyes were closed , and I could feel the hand move again . I heard the words and opened my eyes . I looked up at the wolf that now had a confused look on its face . I was still crying a bit and said again , " P - Please . . . please don " ™ t eat me . " The wolf just looked at me for a second , " Oh my god . . . you can talk . " He then changed his grip on me , and instead of being in a closed fist , I was now in an open palm . " Who are you . . . what are you ? " the giant wolf asked with an astonished look on his face . " M - my name is K - Kenneth B - Billups , and I " ™ m a human from planet Earth . W - who are you , and w - where am I ? " " Just call me Tim , and why would I kill you . You can talk , you " ™ re a person like me , just , smaller . Don " ™ t worry little fella , I " ™ d never kill you . " " Tell me Ken . . . may I call you Ken . . . did you fly here in that , " pointing to the ship on the ground . " You can call me Ken . . . and yes , I did . I lost the engines on re - entry and crashed . There were four of us , but now . . . now I " ™ m the only one left . Tim felt sorry for the little thing . Here he was in a world of giants , and all alone . When he looked down at him he noticed that Ken was still crying a bit . Tim just smiled and began to walk back to my ship . What good fortune I was having . Here I was , just about to die , and I end up making a friend with a giant wolf . Once Tim got back to my ship I had him lower his hand to the door . When I walked inside the galley the sight was still horrifying . I now had to move the dead bodies out of the ship . I dragged Chris " ™ s body to the door first and had Tim grab him by the arm , pull him out , and set him on the ground . Then came Daniel and Charles , and when I unlocked their seatbelts they both fell forward onto the ground . I cringed as the shard of glass was forced all the way into Charles " ™ head . I then dragged them both to the exit , and again Tim grabbed them by the arm and set them on the ground next to each other . I then had Tim pile a mound of dirt on top of them and asked him to set me onto the mound when he was done . He did and once I was on top , I fell to my knees . I grabbed a handful of dirt , and said a prayer for each of them , and then looked up at Tim who picked me up again . " Are you ok Ken ? " Tim had a pocket on his shirt and he asked if it was ok if he put me in there so he could use both hands to lift the ship . I told him that it was ok , and he lowered me into his pocket . I was relieved that Tim could lift my ship . He then walked back to his house , with the ship in his hands and myself in his pocket . He was right ; his house wasn " ™ t too far away . He opened the massive gate , and closed it behind him , and I got a good look at his yard . I figured that it was a normal sized yard , because I could see the roofs of the houses next door . There was a small patio and a storm shelter in the back corner . Tim took my ship into his room , shut the door behind him and set it down on his desk . He then lifted me out of his pocket and set me down on the desk next to my ship . He pulled up a chair and sat down studying the ship and the weird creature that he found . It walked and talked like him , but it had no fur , no tail , and no muzzle . Suddenly there was a knock at the door , and it opened . It was another wolf , shorter than Tim but still huge compared to me . It must have been Tim " ™ s sister . I was watching her and kind of hoped that she didn " ™ t see me , but I had no such luck . She looked right at me and her eyes widened and her jaw dropped . Tim was just looking back and forth at the two of us . I didn " ™ t know what to do and took a step backward . She than began to run over to the desk . I recoiled a bit in fear and fell over backwards . When she reached the desk she put both hands on it and leaned in a little to close for comfort . I didn " ™ t know what she would do , and I began to curl up a bit . " No Jane , it " ™ s not dangerous . It " ™ s a human and his name is Ken . He flew here in that ship , but crashed . He can speak just like us . " I had been called many things in my life , and cute wasn " ™ t one of them . I opened my eyes and began to stand up , still a bit hesitant though . I looked back at her and said , " H - Hi J - Jane , it " ™ s nice to meet you . " I had to think about it for a second . I really hoped that she didn " ™ t see me as a doll or toy . " Umm . . . sure . " " Yay , " she hollered as she picked me up in her hand . She then gave me a huge hug that threatened to break a bone or two . Once she was done she set me back down on the desk , and then looked back at Tim . " I don " ™ t know , I " ™ ve only been here a day and it " ™ s been horrible . You guys have been great , but I " ™ ve lost four of my friends . I " ™ ll have to think about it , but for now , until I fix my ship , I " ™ m stuck here . " " Well , you don " ™ t have to worry about anything , because as long as you " ™ re here we " ™ ll take care of you , " Tim said . " Thank you all , you could have left me for dead , but you didn " ™ t . I really appreciate your hospitality . " Tim nodded and lifted me up to the door . Once I got inside , I needed to assess the damage and figure out how I was going to fix it . Luckily I had a laptop that had repair instructions for any given problem . After looking over the ship , I found that I needed to fix the torn seems by the windows , replace some of the windows that were blown out , put in some new flaps , and reset some circuit breakers . It seemed like a lot , but with the laptop , even a ten year old could fix it with the instructions given . When I was done inside , I walked over to the door and Tim set me back on the desk . " Well Ken , can you fix it ? " I noticed that Tim looked a little upset , when I told him that it would only take a day to fix my ship . I think he wanted me to stay for while , before I headed back home . Tim then yawned because it was getting late . I could see all of his teeth which made me a bit nervous . When Tim looked back down at me he could see that I was a bit uneasy , from his teeth . I then saw Tim smile a bit at my last comment , and I started to smile a bit to . Maybe staying here was not such a bad idea after all . I had my ship , I really didn " ™ t have anything back on Earth , but here , I had someone who was willing to take care of me ; a giant wolf . It was getting close to lights out , so I pulled out a sleeping bag from my ship to sleep in on Tim " ™ s desk . Tim got into his bed and I crawled into my sleeping bag . Just before Tim shut off the lights the door opened again and Jane peeked her head in . Jane smiled and shut the door . Tim then asked if I was ready and I told him yes . He then shut off the light and we both drifted off to sleep . That night I couldn " ™ t sleep . Call it nerves , fear , or the cold , but no matter what I did , nothing helped . I was shivering , curled up in a ball , and was just staring at my ship . I looked at the clock hanging on the wall ; it was about one - thirty in the morning . I heard Tim begin to move and get up out of his bed . I listened some more and realized he was walking over to the desk were I was sleeping . I realized that he was trying to be quiet , but when you " ™ re eighty feet tall , you really can " ™ t tip - toe over to someone who " ™ s about two inch , and that made me smile a bit . Tim could see that Ken was shaking a bit from the cold . It was no wonder the little thing was shivering because he had no fur . Feeling sorry for the little guy , he then , as gently as he could , picked up Ken and walked back over to his bed . Once he got into in his bed , he set Ken on top of his chest and laid his hand over him , keeping the little guy warm . I didn " ™ t move or say anything when Tim picked me up and set me down on top of his chest . He covered me with his hand and for once I felt safe and warm . Not worrying any more and finally warm I drifted off to sleep . The next day I woke up to a rising and falling motion . For a second , I forgot that I was sleeping on Tim " ™ s chest and looked around a bit . Tim then began to wake up , and thank god he remembered that I was on his chest and didn " ™ t sit up . He looked down at me and smiled a bit , remembering not to show his teeth , and then picked me up with one hand and put me in the palm of the other as he began to sit up . " Yes , yes I did . I " ™ ll admit at first I wasn " ™ t able to sleep because it was cold . But what you did last night to keep me warm , I really appreciated it . " " You " ™ re welcome , " Tim said as he set me back down on the desk . " Well , I " ™ ve got a long day ahead of me . . . I need to repair my ship and should get started on it as soon as possible . " " Ok , see you latter little Ken , " Jane said as she left and shut the door behind her . I couldn " ™ t help but wonder what exactly these huge wolves ate . I remember from earlier that Tim said he only ate cooked meat , but who knows what that meant . " Are you ready to meet my parents ? " " Tim , I have an idea . Put me in my ship and carry it down to the breakfast table . You can then introduce me as I step out into your hand , or onto the table . " Tim put me back into my ship and then carried it down to the kitchen table . When he entered the room his dad was sitting at the table and his mom was cooking over the stove . Tim set the ship down on the table , and his parents both began to look at the ship with confused expressions . " What is that ? " Tim " ™ s dad said . " Mom . . . Dad . . . this is a spaceship that was flown hear from a planet called Earth , and the person that flew it is called Ken . He " ™ s a lot like us in that he can speak our language and stands like we do , but he has no fur , no tail , a flat face , and is only two inches tall . " " Wow Tim , that " ™ s quite the imagination you got there . " Tim " ™ s mom said to him with a bit of a chuckle . " No mom , it " ™ s true , here , I " ™ ll show you , " Tim said as he held his palm in front of the door . I was a little hesitant to step out , because I didn " ™ t know what these larger wolves would do . I figured that it was now or never and stepped into Tim " ™ s hand , keeping an eye on the larger wolves . They just looked at me ; blank expressions on their faces , so I decided to break the ice . " Hello . . . my name is Ken . It " ™ s very nice to meet you both . Your son has been very kind to me , giving me a place to stay for the night . I really hope you don " ™ t mind . " But still they didn " ™ t say anything . I motioned to Tim to set me down on the table , and after he did , I walked over to them . " Please , I hope you " ™ re not mad at your son . I wouldn " ™ t even be here , but my ship crashed . Four of my men were killed and now I " ™ m the only one left . " I was getting a little nervous because they weren " ™ t saying anything . " If you want me to leave . . . I will . " " Of course not , " Tim " ™ s mother said as she stepped closer to the table and sat down . " We " ™ re honored to have you here in our house . Hun can you believe it . An actual alien , here , we should tell someone . " Sheral then brought over four plates with food on them , and set them down on the table . I walked back over to Tim and had him set me in my ship again . I got some eating utensils out and walked back to the door . Tim then set me back down on the table next to his napkin . He tore off some small pieces of his food and set them down in front of me . I was relieved when I found out that it was just eggs and bacon . Jane entered the room and sat down at the table , followed by her mother , and they all began to eat . I couldn " ™ t help but watch them all for a second . I was still afraid of their maws and watched as they all consumed , what looked to me like , massive amounts of food . I just looked down and ate quietly until I was finished . Once they all finished , Sheral cleaned up the dishes and exited the room with Greg , leaving Tim , Jane and myself at the table . " Ok little Ken , I " ™ ll come back later , " Jane said . She got out of her seat , and followed her mom out of the room . " Ok Tim , can you go and find the six tires that I was talking about earlier ? " " Don " ™ t worry , everything else I need is already on the ship . Imagine that . . . I can fix any problem on the ship with the extra equipment I have , but the one thing that " ™ s not on the ship is a spare set of tires . " Tim and I laughed a bit , then I had him lift me up to my ship , and once I was in , he headed out of the room to get the tires I needed . I pulled out the laptop with the repair instructions on it and proceeded to fix my damaged ship . A couple hours went by , in which Jane decided just to sit at the table and watch me through the windows . I would occasionally wave to her , and would laugh a bit when her ears perked up as she waved back . I had fixed the flaps , the broken seams in - between the windows , and was just finishing up with the popped circuit breakers when Tim returned . He set the six tires that he had found on the table , and then helped me out of the ship so that I cold take a look at them . It was about two in the afternoon when I finished attaching the new tires to the landing gear . My ship was now fixed and flyable . It turns out that the engines failed because the fuel hose , connecting the hydro core to the engines , failed , and split in two . Jane left the room for a second , and when she returned she had a plastic staircase with her . " I wanted to show you guys this earlier . This is called and anti - matter rail gun . It " ™ s one of our most powerful weapons back on Earth . I " ™ ll show you guy " ™ s what it can do but first we " ™ ll have to go outside . " Tim set his hand on the table and I climbed into it and sat down so that I didn " ™ t loose my balance as he walked . He also cupped his hand slightly to offer some protection as well . I even had Tim get his parents so that they could watch as well . Once we were outside I looked around for something to use as a target . I noticed a flock of birds flying overhead so I pointed to them . " There ! " I shouted , " Watch the bird out in front . " After taking careful aim , I slowly squeezed the trigger . The gun began to hum and shot out a short purple beam . The beam hit the bird , and the bird was enveloped in a growing purple sphere with flickering purple electrical sparks dancing around it . The sphere then shrank , enlarged again dissipating into thin air . Not only was the lead bird gone , but the whole flock was gone as well . " Yeah , thanks , " Tim said still looking up at the sky . An hour later there was a knock at the front door . Sheral answered the door and found her neighbors , and a news crew standing on her porch . They all wanted to know what the purple light was coming from over their house . She asked them to please wait , and waked into the living room where Tim and I were sitting . " Ken , " Sheral asked , " Are you ready to meet some people ? I won " ™ t make you if you " ™ re not ready . " Jane was sitting in her dad " ™ s lap , kicking her legs back and fourth when Tim came back with my ship . He set it on the table behind me with the staircase , just as his mom entered the room with the other wolves . She led them to the couch and had them all sit down . They hadn " ™ t noticed me yet , but were looking intently at my ship . Then , I saw their ears perk up one at a time as they noticed me on the table . They all looked like they were about to lunge forward at me and I took a couple steps back when Sheral stopped and told them to remain seated . I saw the cameras lens shift a bit , no doubt zooming in . Then , Tim " ™ s dad put on the news and there I was , on the television screen , with the caption Live at the bottom . " Well I guess the words out now , " I whispered under my breath . I looked up as I heard them all gasp . They heard me and were astonished that I could speak . The lead news wolf then asked me who I was and what I was , as she leaned forward and put the microphone next to me . " I am a human from planet Earth , and the year , on my planet , is 2283 . As you can see , we are pretty small compared to you , which is pretty scary compared to me . The purple light you saw was from a weapon of mine . I come in peace . . . my crew and I were on our way home , when we went through some sort of wormhole . I lost the engines on the ship and . . . you know what . . . why don " ™ t I just show you . " Everyone in the room , even Tim and his family , looked at me lost and confused . I went into my ship , entered the cockpit and pulled up the security camera footage . Using the rabbit ears on top their television , I was able to transmit the camera signal to their television . I watched out the windscreen as the T . V . flickered a bit then showed the security video - feed . I saw the wolf holding the camera focus on the television , and then I rewound the video to the point just before we entered the wormhole . There was no color , it was just shades of blue and white , but there was sound . I exited the ship and told everyone that I was the one piloting the ship . I explained to them that I had lost engine power and this was the point that I went through the wormhole . They saw me hit some switches and pull a lever down . I told them that I had shut off the hydro - core , extended the flaps to slow the ship down and extended the landing gear . The next thing they heard was the gunshots and I told them that it was the flaps ripping off the wings because I was coming in to fast . They were all leaning forward , slowly in anticipation , and I was turning away at what came next . " Prepare for crash landing , Prepare for crash landing , " I then shut my eyes . The video - feed only flickered once , and that was at the moment of impact . When it came back on Chris " ™ s body flew past the screen and their maws dropped open as they gasped . They soon covered their maws with their hands in shock . Their eyes widened as they saw light pierce through the fuselage and winced as the windows exploded . When the video stopped shaking they saw two humans with their heads down and the other fall out of his seat . They saw me unbuckle my seat , get out of my chair and stumble over to the one that fell . I went back into the ship , shut off the video - feed and walked back out onto the table . They were all speechless , and none of them knew what to say . Tim took his hand off his mouth and spoke as the camera fell back on me . " He was killed right before you showed up , and that " ™ s when Tim here saved me . Although I thought I was going to die at the time ; crushed or even worse . . . eaten . However , I " ™ d probably be dead if it wasn " ™ t for Tim here , and for that I " ™ m grateful . " Tim put his hand on the table , and I climbed onto it and sat in his palm . He brought me closer to him as the camera followed . Then the wolf with the microphone spoke again . " Well Captain Billups , it looks like you " ™ ve made quite the friendship with these people , and I welcome you to our planet Mallorn . " The camera then panned over to her . " Well as you can see , we are not alone in the universe and this little guy proves it . " She then looked back at me , " Anything else you " ™ d like to say before we go ? " she said , holding the microphone next to me . " Yes . . . To everyone else out there watching , this will be my only interview on television , and for you scientist " ™ s out there . No , you cannot study me , my ship , or my weapons . . . only because my technology is from 2283 , but once you develop it on your own , we can talk . Anyways , thank you , I look forward to my time here on this planet , and with this kind family . " It was getting late , and was time for bed again . After taking a bath in their bathroom sink I was ready to sleep . Tim offered to let me sleep with him like the night before and that made me feel better , knowing how cold it got at night . It was about ten at night when we both finally went to bed . That night I woke up to the sound of a siren that was very familiar to one on Earth . " Oh my god , it " ™ s a tornado . . . Tim wake up , it " ™ s a tornado . " Tim stirred a little then blinked a few times before I saw his ears perk up from the sound . I saw his eyes open immediately and he quickly grabbed me off his chest , jumped out of bed , and put on a shirt . " Ken , hurry up and get dressed , we need to leave know ! " He didn " ™ t even have to tell me . As soon as he set me on the desk I was dressed in a few seconds and ready to go . Suddenly his mom burst into the room and yelled at us to hurry up . Tim picked me up again and ran out of his room towards the backyard . He put me in his shirt pocket and grabbed my ship off the coffee table . Sheral was out the door first , followed by Greg , who was holding Jane , and then Tim . When Tim ran outside I looked up , but didn " ™ t see anything . No clouds , no rain , no wind ; just a clear cloudless sky covered with stars . Sheral opened the door , and Greg and Jane entered the storm shelter first followed by Tim . Just as soon as Tim entered the door I saw a flash of light off in the distance . Sheral ran inside and locked the door behind her . I could hear the muffled sound of thunder off in the distance , but it was getting louder and wasn " ™ t stopping . Sheral lit an oil lamp just as the power went out . The storm shelter began to shake as the thunder got closer and closer . I had to cover my ears because it was so loud , and then I heard a faint whistling in the distance that was getting louder and louder but decreasing in pitch . It stopped and was followed by a huge explosion . The shelter began to shake as light began to pierce though the seams of the door . A sliver of light hit my face , and I shut my eyes as Jane screamed . Later that week Tim decided to show me to his class . They were all ecstatic to see me and they all wanted to hold me . Everyone who did was genital and couldnâ €™ t wait until Tim brought me back to school . What was equally impressive was when Tim brought my video to class . I know it was unintentional but still . . . O . o ) I think your major issue now would be to use the correct words eg . he quickly looked back and then down at me who was waiving back at him . I saw his ears raise strait up along with his eyebrows and he was out of bed and next by deatheater » Wed Mar 03 , 2010 12 : 21 am Well here is chapter 4 . Sorry it took so long to get posted , I 've been away from an internet connection for the past couple days , but I have been writing in the mean time , so for the next couple days I will be posting the next 3 chapters . Enjoy . . . Their was nothing left of the house that we called home . It was like a tornado had ripped through the area , only instead twisted ruins , there was smoldering ash . Everything was gone , even the runway that was built for me was destroyed . No one said a single word , because there was nothing to say . Deep sorrow was felt all around and because no one said anything you could here the faint crying from the other families . When someone finally did speak it was Tim " ™ s father who quietly said , " I didn " ™ t think they would make it this far in . " I herd him speak , but no one else did because they were still in shock . We slowly stepped out of the bunker unsure of what to do . The first thing that we came to was the runway that was built for me . It had huge cracks all over the runway surface that were unfixable with simple concrete . I was really upset that this was destroyed because it was built just for me , and Tim had spent time trying to keep it clean and dirt free . After passing the runway we came to the house that was totally destroyed . Jane and her mother started to cry at what they saw and Tim and his father just stood their watching . Tim " ™ s father took his mother and Tim took Jane in their arms and tried to comfort them as much as possible . The five of us then started to go through the wreckage and recover whatever we could find . There was not much left since the fire had burned everything that was not destroyed from the blast of the explosion . I then noticed something shiny out of the corner of my eye and told Tim to go over and look at what it was . When Tim picked up the item we realized that it was picture on the front of an album that read " Our Family . " While the front picture was pretty much destroyed when Tim opened it he found that all of their family pictures were still intact . Tim " ™ s mother and father were pretty happy when we found this , because it was all that they had left of their old life in this house . After a while we had all found some objects that were not destroyed : clothing , tools , and even some of Tim " ™ s mother " ™ s jewelry . We then took all of the objects and put them in the bunker along with my ship . Tim " ™ s dad then put a pad lock on the door with a combination so we all could enter , and also so that no one else could steal anything . Shortly after we left to go to some place that Tim " ™ s dad said was a gathering location should such an event occur . Tim carried me in his shirt pocket and when we got there it looked like the whole town was there also . Then everybody became quiet as someone stood up on a podium in front of the group . From what I could tell this was probably the mayor of the town . This person spoke and said , " When I call your name say here . " He started to go through some list and from what I could tell it was some kind of roster with all of the town " ™ s family " ™ s names on it . One by one the speaker went though the names . Sometimes he would call a name out and there would be no answer , we all knew that this probably meant that they were injured or dead . After some time the speaker said , " Greg Petterson , " and Tim " ™ s father said , " Here . " After the roll call we were led into a big shelter and each family had their own table to sit at . Once we were at the table Tim pulled me out of his pocket and set me on top of the table . Once we were all sitting down I walked over to where Greg was sitting and I asked , " Whom he was speaking about when he spoke at the bunker ? " " The Kantorians from Kantora , " Greg said , " Are a nation that is fighting with ours for land . " He told us that they were a nation that thought of itself as a superior nation compared to everyone else , and that no one can stop them when they want something . Now they wanted land in order to expand their empire and since our nation , Mandora , was closest to Kantora , it is our land that they want . Shortly after , the speaker whom I found out was Mayor Danielson Barron , got on the megaphone and told us that anyone who was old enough to join the army would be able to momentarily . Greg looked down in shame and told us that he wants to fight but cannot because of a disability that he has . I then looked at Tim and told him that he should join the army and fight . Tim looked at me as if I was nuts , I told him that back on Earth I was a Captain in the Army and that if he joined I would be able to help him . Tim " ™ s agreed to join and asked his parents if it would be ok . They both left the table to discuss the matter and when they returned they agreed to let Tim join . Tim walked to the desk , with me on his shoulder and signed the list of men and women who wanted to join the army . When he signed his name he looked a little unsure of himself and I reassured him by telling him that I would go with him for support and guidance . Before Tim and I left for the train he said goodbye to his parents and Jane , and afterward I told him that we had to go back to my ship so I could get a couple of items . When we got to my ship that was back at the bunker I went through some of the things that I brought with me and took out my Captain " ™ s Uniform that I received in the Army . I put it on and walked back outside along with my rail gun . When Tim saw me in my uniform he was amazed because he hadn " ™ t seen me like this until now . Afterward we headed back to the train that was going to take us to command . When we got to the base all of the new recruits had to line up and get their new uniforms . When it came to Tim " ™ s turn to receive his new uniform the Sergeant looked up at me and said , " What the hell is this . " Tim then told him my name and I cut in and said that I was Captain Billups from planet Earth . The Sergeant started to laugh at me so I pulled out my rail gun and aimed it directly at him . The Sergeant then began to laugh even harder and said , " What the hell is that little pea shooter supposed to do ? " I told him that he had better watch what he says , and he said , " Or what ? What the hell do you think you can do ? Your only two inches tall . " Tim just listened to us with a smirk on his face because he knew what was coming . I then turned around and fired my weapon at a huge tree that was behind us . The beam from the rail gun hit that base of the tree and after a purple flash of light and some sparks the tree was gone , and all that was left was a hole in the ground . I then turned around pointed the gun back at the Sergeant and asked if he had any more questions for me . He quickly shook his head from side to side and said " No , " and I told him again that my name was Captain Billups and also that I was going to train Tim here alone . With that being said we were both our way leaving behind one Sergeant with his mouth hanging open at what he just saw and herd . When we got to our bunk Tim set me down on the desk in front of his bed and told me that what I did was pretty cool . I looked back at him and shook my head telling him that it wasn " ™ t cool . I told Tim that I didn " ™ t like other people knowing what I am capable of , because the weaponry that I possessed was nothing like what was here on Mallorn . I realized this when we were walking to our bunk . I noticed that all of the weapons were like Earths weapons back in World War II . All of the planes still had props and my spaceship was probably the most advanced aircraft on this planet , and what Jacob had showed us earlier was probably top secret , and was not going to be used by the military any time soon . I told Tim that the technology I possessed was to powerful for this planet , and that I would never use it in battle , because if it were to fall into the wrong hands , it would give that country the advantage to take over the world with ease . Tim understood and we didn " ™ t talk about it for the rest of the night . We both fell asleep that night with ease because we had had a long day . The next morning came early . The Sergeant came through the bunks yelling something inaudible , and when Tim jumped up from being startled he nearly threw me off his chest . He looked at me and said that he was sorry , and I told him that it was ok . We both then sat there with a feeling of responsibility , because it was our first day of training . It was early in the morning , and we all had gathered in the mess hall for breakfast . There were long rows of tables with hundreds of wolfs eating what looked like eggs . Tim found an open seat at one of the tables , and we sat down to eat some breakfast . Tim set me down on the table and we dug into the meal , which actually was pretty good and not slop as I previously thought . As we were talking another soldier sat down across from us and introduced himself . " Hi , my name is Private Jim Littlefield , what " ™ s yours ? " I told him that my name was Captain Ken Billups and this here is Private Tim Petterson . Jim was a tall wolf probably in his mid twenties from what I could tell . When I asked , he told us that he was twenty - seven . Jim told us that he knew me from the video that was played on the news a few months ago , and that he wanted to meet me . He told us that he was training to be a pilot as well , and that his father was already in the military . I told him that I was training Tim to be a pilot as well , and that today was going to be Tim " ™ s first day of training . Shortly after an alarm rang that sounded the end of breakfast and we all went outside . After spending some time with basic training , I told Tim that what he did was enough for the day and then we went to the hangers so that we could get a good look at what we were flying . When we got inside the planes looked like P - 51 Mustangs , and I told Tim that this would be interesting and fun . I got one of the maintenance personnel to pull out one of the planes so that we could get a good look at it . I then began to show Tim all of the different parts of the airframe : the ailerons , rudder , and the elevator . I then showed Tim what to look for when checking out his airplane and how to determine if it was in an airworthy condition . I asked Jim how his day was going and he told us that it was great because he had just gotten back from training in the air for aerial combat . Tim looked at me and asked , " So when do I get to learn that ? " I told Tim that he had to learn to fly first before we started shooting . Jim just laughed when I told him that , and Tim looked straight back at Jim with a look that said , " Oh shut up . " After talking to Jim for a while lunch was over , so Tim put me back on his shoulder and we went back outside to the plane . As we made out way to the plane , we talked about Jim and how nice he was , and that we were lucky to have a friend like him on our side . When we got to the plane I had Tim do a walk - around , and also had him tell me everything that he was looking for and to explain why . Once he could do this without asking for help I told him that he was ready to fly . Tim was sure glad to hear this because he was just dieing to get into a plane and fly like I could . Since I was so small and would have no control of the plane if something were to happen , I had someone else train Tim on the basics of flying . Once he could take - off , land , and fly solo , I switched places with Tim " ™ s trainer and started to teach Tim myself . Tim was glad that I was teaching him again because he didn " ™ t like the other trainer that much . I told him not to worry because I was back , and that we are going to go out and learn some basic maneuvers the next time that we fly . Later that day when we went flying , Tim showed me how good he was at basic flying since this was all that he knew . I told Tim that I was proud of him for learning so quickly and I felt confident flying with him . The first maneuvers that I taught Tim were power - on and power - off stalls . I told him that stalls were very easy to recover from and if the aircraft is balanced properly , and if you should panic , just let go of the controls and the aircraft will recover on its own . After stalls I taught Tim to perform chandelles and lazy eights so that he could show me mastery of the aircraft . " Those were fun , " Tim said after we landed . I explained that those maneuvers were performance maneuvers and that they show me how well you can manipulate the controls while keeping the aircraft coordinated throughout the maneuver . After dinner Tim and I went to our bunk and sat down at the desk and talked a bit before bed . Tim was writing a letter to his parents , and he mentioned that on the first day Ken showed off his new weapon to a Sergeant and now Ken was able to teach him by himself now . He also mentioned that he was learning to become a pilot like Ken , and that I was teaching him to fly like me . His letter also included some things about our new friend Jim , and how he was a pilot who was also in the army . Finally Tim " ™ s letter ended with him telling his parents that he loved them and that he misses them , but with Ken by his side he was ok . After writing the letter we both went to bed to get some much needed rest for tomorrow . That night we both slept like babies after our hard days work . The next morning seemed to come quicker than the last , and I knew that it would be like this for the next couple of months . |
Driving away from Daddy 's house was so hard for me . I knew I 'd never be welcomed back and he 'd never trust me again . He felt I had betrayed him and his trust of me was gone forever . There was never any gray areas with Daddy . You were either on his side or not on his side . That saddened me . I loved Daddy and I needed him . OK , I wanted him . I wanted to have a parent . Why did this have to be my life ? Had I done something so terribly wrong in another life to have deserved this ? What lesson was I to learn over all of this pain I was feeling ? It all didn 't make any sense to me . And even more so , why would my own father want to hurt me like he had done ? As the professor 's wife drove me to her home she graciously allowed me the time to sit quietly as I stayed deep in my thoughts . I was so hurt . I was angry beyond words . I wanted my Daddy . I wanted him to go to hell . So many emtions rushed in and out of my thoughts . What broke my heart more than anything was I knew from that point forward my father would see me as another one of his enemies . I knew what my fate was going to be when I left because I saw what he had done to so many others when they had no choice but to leave . He threw people away like they had no worth as he 'd continue his life with no regards for who he left behind . He did it to his own mother , brothers , wife , his eldest daughter and countless friends . And here I was the next in line . Knowing that was my fate and I was going to be tossed out with the others devastated me . It was what I had been trying to prevent and there I sat along with the others so easily tossed away . As I began to think what I was going to do next my thought was interrupted . The professor 's wife had pulled into her driveway and parked on a dirt path near the front door of her house . It was a two story wooden home that was painted white and built in the early 1900 's . Directly across the street from her home was an even older cemetery that was surrounded by a brick fence with a tall iron gate . Behind the old cemetery was the college I was attending which made my life so much easier since I didn 't have a car . It was so awesome to not have to get up two hours before a class because I had to catch the bus . Those days were over and I loved it . She and I carried my luggage into the house through the front door . Oh my gosh , I will never forget her home . The pink living room was large with a wonderful fireplace and cool double doors that opened into a nice size screened in porch . Since the professor 's wife loved to go garaging every Saturday morning , her home reflected it . Her entire porch was stuffed with her many , many finds as was every room in her house . To the right was the dining room . Every flat surface in that room was covered with papers or odd finds from a garage sale . I could only tell that room was the dining room because of the chairs surrounding what appeared to be a long table . Even the buffet to it 's left was stacked with items . Next to the dining room was the best orange kitchen I had ever seen . The orange counter tops and the psychedelic orange floors clearly showed the last time that kitchen had been updated . And just like the other rooms all of the counter spaces were covered with a chaotic array of kitchen items and nicknacks of some sort . From the kitchen you entered into a little hallway with old green carpet that once I was assuming was shag . If you took a right and went down a few stairs you entered into the den which was converted from a porch . All three walls were filled with those old crank open windows which reminded me of my house in Atlanta . Back in the hallway if you walked forwards a couple of feet you reached the bathroom that I would be using . It too was a fabulous orange which included the same orange counter top as the kitchen and a wonderful orange toilet . As she showed me the bathroom she told me rule number one of the house . I was to take a shower before her husband and never flush the toilet while he was in the shower . She explained about the lack of water pressure and how angry that made him to lose his water pressure . Relieved to be in a safe place where I could attend school , I willingly promised to abide by all of the rules . However , in time their rules would become as controlling as Daddy and would eventuaBack in the hallway you could go up about 6 stairs to a landing and where there was another room . It too used to be a porch . That was my room . It had a curtain that hung down from the top of the doorway . That was my door . One main reason there was no door was to be able to get the heat and air from the hallway since the room had no air vents . But , really the only way I would get heat and air was to leave my curtain totally open to allow the air in my room . But , I could only leave it open when I was home and in my room . If I wasn 't , I had to leave it closed . So during the hot months , my room was boiling and vise versa during the winter . Another reason I proposed was It would allow my room to be seen and assure the owners I was respecting their property . There again I would have slept in their living room if they had wanted me to , so these little things at first were not an issue for me . After the professor 's wife helped carry my bags to my room , she encouraged me to get some sleep and unpack in the morning . I would soon learn the professor 's wife would go to bed by 10 : 00 at night so the night she came to get me from Daddy 's was a long night for her . Once she was done explaining everything to me , it was almost midnight by the time she went to bed . When she left and I was alone in my new room I kneeled on the floor , rested my head on the bed and cried about all that had happened that evening . Even though I truly had been on my own for years , it was now official . And oh my G - d was I scared . I had no real plan for myself and I literally had . 50 cents in my pocket . What the hell was I going to do ? No one had any obligation to me as their daughter . I wanted someone to be there for me and to love who I was unconditionally even when I did something they didn 't approve . This was my dawning moment that my own father was not the person I had created in my head . As sad as I was with that realization it was the first time I was angry at him . Dam - nit I was not going to fail . I refused to give my dad that pleasure . I promised to succeed in spite of my adversities . Listen , it wasn 't as if I had a choice . But , I do think in the back of my mind I had hoped that my dad would realize what he had done and would come for me . I just knew that was going to happen and sadly I had that hope for another 15 years . When I first left Daddy 's house I was an incredibly shy person who jumped out of my skin at any sudden noise . One afternoon I was washing dishes at the professor and his wife 's house . I did whatever I could to help them out . So , if I saw dirty dishes in the sink , I washed them . Well , I didn 't realize the wife had walked into the kitchen . As I was washing a cup and looking out the kitchen window , I heard a voice come from behind me . Not expecting it I screamed loudly and jumped almost throwing the glass in my hand across the room . I never realized how jumpy I was until then . The professor 's wife apologized and laughed . And as I was becoming closer to the family of the professor who I worked with in the Jewish youth group I began noticing how I had lost so much of my social skills because of the fears I had developed from Daddy 's abuse . Man , I had no idea I had been beaten down that far . I soon would start referring to that family as my adopted family as they would welcome me more and more into their lives . While living where I was I found great solice in being with my adopted family . I was lonely at the professor and his wife 's house . They were cautious and kept me at arms length . On the other hand my adopted family invited me to eat with them most Shabbats and during most Jewish holidays . It meant the world to me to have them in my life as well as me having a place to go . By them opening their hearts and home , it allowed me the opportunity to witness how other parents didn 't insult their children nor did they hit them . In fact there were actual parents who got upset when their kid 's had NOT done their homework . My bit of sarcasm there . I never understood why my adopted family was so kind to me . They without any reservations made me a part of their family . I was always amazed my adopted mom would call me if she had not heard from me in a while . I wasn 't used to being noticed or should I say not noticed . It felt so awkward to me . Often while at my adopted family 's home my adopted mom would be able to sense when something was wrong and would ask me . Do you know what that was like ? Folks , it was weird to me . I felt I didn 't deserve it . I still believed I was stupid and a screw up , so why would someone care ? But , there were parts of me that felt it was nice . I secretly liked it . Not knowing much about me she embraced me with all of my weirdnesses and put me in situations ( even though it scared the living hell out of me to be spoken to by others ) to help me become social again . She would use any community event to get me involved . For a while in the beginning being involved and meeting strangers sent me into a terrible panic . I will never forget when she once asked me to help her with a project at the local Jewish community center . Well , there was a woman there who I found out later was known for her very revealing shirts . The only way to explain her tops were they were basically drapes with a very low necklines . Because of it you couldn 't help but to look . It fascinated me on how she kept her boobs from popping out as it didn 't appear as if she wore a bra . Anyway , that lady was standing next to me one day . I felt awkward and nervous by the silence so I tried to make small talk . I couldn 't believe what I ended up saying . I was such an idiot . I was thinking it was good to start a conversation with saying I liked something she was wearing . Now listen , I did like the color of her shirt but was that what I said to her ? Uh , no ! Instead I said , " I like your shirt . It 's so revealing . " What was I thinking ? Just open mouth and insert foot why didn 't I ? Oy ! She looked at me like I was crazy . And man that was not going to be the last time myIt was so wonderful to have this adopted family and a sense of sanity in my life . I didn 't have to worry about Daddy coming home and yelling at me if he was in a bad mood . I didn 't have to fear when he was going to shove me . And best of all I didn 't have to run as fast as I could the second he called my name . My life had peace in it . I learned how to laugh again . Once when I was over at my adopted family 's house the mom , two of her boys and I were playing a board game . The mom was trying to explain a rule to the older son who didn 't seem to understand what she was telling him . After she had explained it , she was looking for a response from her son letting him know he understood . When he didn 't say anything the mom said something like , " Surely , you know what I 'm saying . " And without missing a beat the older son said , " Shirley ? What does Shirley have to do with this ? " OK , so maybe you had to be there . But , we all laughed so hard we had tears in our eyes . Another time we were playing Pictionary and I was partnered with my adopted family 's father . I suppose that would make him my adopted father . I can 't even begin to tell you how nervous I was . That meant I 'd have to interact with an adult which was so hard for me to do . I wasn 't used to him and I knew I was going to say something dumb . But , once the game started and we started trying to draw our subjects , all we did was laugh . To this day I will never forget those times and more importantly I will forever be grateful to my adopted mom for helping me get out of my shell and become a much better me . She saved my life and gave me the opportunity for a new one . Not only did she help me get away from Daddy , but she also gave me many wonderful and incredible gifts . I can 't possibly name them all but one was giving me the courage to live beyond my abuse even though I don 't think I ever told her about it . She lovingly accepted me with my quirks and all . She taught me a lot and gave me many new tools which have helped me in raising my own sThe year I lived at the professor and his wife 's home it was a pivotal time for me . I was transitioning from the person I was to the person I would become . My adopted family was there every step of the way and I have a great story on one of the times they helped me . I was at the professor and his wife 's house alone while they were out of town . The house made all kinds of weird sounds that I hated especially when I was alone there . This one night I was downstairs in the den watching TV . Now as I mentioned before , the den was surrounded by windows . Well , I had fallen asleep while watching TV but was suddenly woken up to the doorbell ringing . After ringing the door bell , they tried the door handle to see if it was unlocked . Thank G - d it was . It was at least 2am . To say it scared the living shit out of me was an understatement . Of course , I had envisioned someone trying to break into the house and wanting to kill me . The fact that being by myself made me nervous as it was but then thinking someone was at the door that early in the morning threw me into a panic . Listen , at that time I was terrified of my own shadow , so it didn 't take much beyond that to terrify me . I was standing in the downstairs hallway when someone pounded on the windows in the den . Holy crap was I scared . I couldn 't get out of there fast enough . I could feel my heart racing . But , guess where I ran ? I ran upstairs to the professor and his wife 's room because they had a lock on their door . OK , what do I always yell in those damn scary movies when the person runs upstairs ? Yes , I yell , " DON ' T GO UP THOSE STAIRS ! " And what do I do ? I run upstairs . I locked the bedroom door and made a pallet on the floor . I tried to go back to sleep . I tried so hard to not think about who might be outside . But then the doorbell rang again . That 's when I called the police who arrived 20 minutes later to check things out . All they could see was someone had been there because the side gate was unlatched and left open . I knew the gate was closed because the professor was meticulous about leaving it closed . Well , that certainly didn 't make me feel any better . I was almost in tears I was so afraid . The policeman assured me he 'd drive past the house through out the night to check on things . I would have loved for him to offer to park in front of the house all night . OK , yes , I even asked him if he would . He looked at me as if I was crazy to have asked such a question . The policeman left and I ran back upstairs to their bedroom and locked the door . I tried again to go to sleep . I did pick up the phone once to call my adopted family but I didn 't want to disturb them so late at night and I stopped . But , once I heard a tree limb hit the window sill I couldn 't find the phone fast enough to dial their number . Meanwhile , it was 2 : 30 in the morning by this point . The father answered the phone and while he 's talking to me I was thinking , " Oh , please come and get me and let me stay with y ' all . " Just as I thought that he offered to come get me so I could stay at their house . Well , then , I felt bad and told him I 'd hate for him to do that so early in the morning . OK , so that was a stupid thing to have said . Here , I woke this person up in the middle of the night . What else was it I wanted him to do ? About 15 minutes later he arrived at my house to pick me up . I had locked myself in the professor and his wife 's bedroom . But , it was perfect their room over looked the front of the house . So , I looked out the window until I saw my adopted dad 's car pull up . That was when I grabbed my over night bag , opened the front door , locked it and ran as fast as I could to his car . As we were driving away the father smiled and said , " You know , I bet this wasn 't the smartest thing to do if someone was trying to break into their home . They could be watching and know now that you 've left , they know nobody is home . " I didn 't care though . All I could think about was I was safe . When I got to their house I went down stairs to sleep on their couch . The mom had already placed a set of sheets on there for me to use . As soon as my head hit the pillow I felt a sense of calmness and most of all I felt safe . The security I felt that early morning , I so longed for myself . I wanted to feel safe . It was how I used to feel when my mom was around . Just about to fall asleep I felt my adopted mom place a blanket over me . I quietly cried for the family I missed . While living with the professor and his wife , I was learning to recognize my abuse and Daddy 's controlling behavior . Well , actually I was able to recognize it in others first before I could see it in my own father . But , it was a start . I was also trying to learn how to live without being controlled and abused . I know that sounds crazy but those were my norms . That was what I knew good or bad . OK , it was just plain bad but it was my way of life I had become accustomed to living . And sadly not having that obstacle in my way , I felt like a fish out of water . It was the weirdest , strangest and craziest thing . For a while there I 'd even beat myself up to fill the void by hitting myself in the head and calling myself stupid when I couldn 't do something correctly . You know as I think about how I was I just can 't imagine how crazy I must have appeared to those who met me back then . The other part of being on my own was I always wanted to please everyone around me and especially my adopted parents and the professor and his wife . I felt they were doing so much for me , I needed to return the kindness and do what I could to help them . After all , I had no money , but I could at the least offer to help them when they needed it . Listen , there was no doubt I should have reciprocated in some way but not to the extent of it becoming a detriment to my own obligations . But , I was so eager to pay them back as if I could have . I would have never said no to either of them . They had done so much for me . Once my adopted mom asked me to meet her in a specific location at the college so I could take her son to the dentist . She made it clear where I was to meet her and the time I 'd need to be there . She explained how tight the schedule would be and how important it was I meet her in the correct place . Here 's the thing . No matter what I did for my dad , I never did it correctly . As time went on and his anger and abuse increased I had become incredibly nervous about doing what he wanted correctly . In that nervousness I would end up messing up the task . So , when my adopted mom asked me to help her which I wanted to do , my insides were in knots . I knew I was a screw up and could never do anything right . Daddy made that clear to me for over 5 years of my life . And now someone who had helped me so much , it was crucial I didn 't screw it up . But , my nerves were getting the best of me , so guess what I did ? Well , I ended up going to the wrong location to meet her . By the time I remembered and ran to the correct location , my adopted mother was so angry with me , she took her son to the dentist herself . I was crushed . I hated myself for screwing it up . Why couldn 't I do a simple fucking task ? What was wrong with me ? I was a fucking idiot that was what was wrong with me . And here was this wonderful person and her family who had done so much for me and I couldn 't even give something back to her . I beat myself up about that for months . I knew I was never going to see or hear from that family again . As I walked home that day I kept repeating to myself what an idiot I was . I had screwed it all up like I had always done . I was heartbroken and felt so bad . My adopted family trusted me and relied on me and I failed them . That was a heavy burden I put on myself . I could even hear my dad 's voice telling me what a loser I was and how what I had done was another reason why I 'd amount to nothing . I cried and cried about it because I wanted nothing more than to show my adopted mom how I appreciated her and her family . I was in shock when my adopted mom called me to ask me over for dinner . I couldn 't believe she wasn 't mad at me anymore . I couldn 't understand why . Daddy would have yelled at me , hit me and yelled some more . And then he would have not spoken to me for days . I was not used to being forgiven . And not only forgiven but she gave me other opportunities to redeem myself . And even though there were other times I screwed up , she continued to trust in me . Over time my fears lessened and my confidence rose . More importantly , I worked very hard to get rid of Daddy 's voice in my head where he was ridiculing me and calling me names . As time passed Daddy started calling me at the professor and his wife 's house . I was nervous to talk to him . The professor 's wife tried to tell me I had a choice to not talk to him which was so hard for me to understand . He was my father . I felt because of that I didn 't have a choice . If the professor 's wife was home when I was talking to Daddy and if Daddy started screaming at me , she 'd tell me to nicely say , " I refuse to be treated this way , so I am going to hang up . When you calm down , only then will I talk to you . " I could do it with her support but when she wasn 't there I endured a lot of Daddy 's screaming sessions . I just really wanted his love and kept trying over and over again . Here 's the other part of it . I hated Daddy for what he had done to me but I wasn 't ready for anyone else to hate him . My goal was not to bad mouth him or to do anything that would possibly jeopardize his law practice . In many ways I felt the need to protect him and I continued to for many more years . However , I had taken my first step of finally living away from him . As a result I was learning to acknowledge I was living on my own and I was gaining the confidence to do it . That was a lot for me initially considering what it finally took for me to leave . Listen , I know it was difficult for those folks around me who cared and couldn 't understand why I couldn 't just walk away . But , only now have I begun to tell my full story . There were so many factors and fears . There was noway I could have ' just walked away ' . I had to get to that point on my own . Leaving Daddy and no longer allowing him to physically abuse me anymore was my first and oh so HUGE step that I made . My next step I 'd have to make would be to stop allowing Daddy to verbally abuse me . And as you will see , that too was a process which would bring me great pain , relief and strength beyond what I ever knew I had . By the time my first quarter of school was halfway over Daddy was barely speaking to me . The only time he would speak to me was to remind me I needed to find a new place to live . I 'd ignore him . I was terrified . I had no money to pay an electric bill let alone to rent an apartment . Where the hell did he think I could go ? G - d damnit Daddy ! I was not the awful kid you made me appear to be to others . I was not a hoodlum or a drug addict . I just wanted love and support from my Daddy ! Why in the hell was that so G - d damn hard ? Meanwhile because of the caring of the professor I worked with in the youth group I did have a place to live . You know it was a strange thing . I was afraid to leave to have to rely on strangers . Why in the hell would strangers want to help me ? What happened if that didn 't work out ? I 'd have nowhere else to go . That frightened me . The other fear I had was that Daddy would go to where I lived and threaten those people . Knowing how mean Daddy could get , I was worried he 'd try to get me kicked out from where I was living by making up lies and creating a scene . So , I suppose I was trying to protect others from having to endure his wrath too . Listen , I know many people may not understand because they can 't relate but as afraid as I was of staying , I was even more afraid to leave . Also , I still had an underlying belief Daddy was right that if I left him it would mean I didn 't love him . And because I did love him I didn 't want to leave . Very warped , I know . But that was the control Daddy did have over me . It was obvious tensions with Daddy were escalating even in the silence . The silence was scary and to me it was worse than when Daddy was yelling because it never seemed to end . I felt as if he was a walking time bomb and could explode at any moment . I hated waiting ! I felt as if I was walking on egg shells . I was scared to make any wrong move for fear it would press the wrong button and G - d knows what would have happened then . It didn 't matter who Daddy was speaking to but whenever I heard his voice , I 'd jump in fear . One day I heard him slam his telephone down and he started yelling . My heart stopped because I thought he was exploding at me . Meanwhile , why would it have been me because I hadn 't done anything ? But , most of the time I hadn 't done anything to be in trouble . I was in my room so I cracked my door a bit to hear what was happening . I heard his secretary calming Daddy down . I realized it was not me he was angry with but a client . I was so relieved . Daddy was definitely annoyed with me spending so much time on my studies and He 'd do anything to pull me away . I remember this one week where he 'd allow me to go to class but I wasn 't allowed to stay to do some research at the library . He wanted me home to wait for " an important " package . I had to sit on the inside stairs by the front door to watch for the mailman . See , Daddy kept his front door locked and I needed to be there to " grab the mailman " when I saw him as Daddy told me . One would think it would have been easier to keep the door unlocked but Daddy never liked his door unlocked . And because he didn 't like his door unlocked his solution was more complicated than it needed to be . I decided I 'd studying while I was sitting there . I had a test coming up and needed to use that time . Now , would you believe while I was sitting there his secretary and Daddy were in the office ? What the fuck ? Unlock the G - d dam door and have the mail guy come up the stairs to deliver it to you . But , no , Daddy 's way always inconvenienced others and made no fucking sense ! His secretary told me he had no idea why Daddy needed me there . Just another one of Daddy 's control things . Because Daddy didn 't know when his mailman delivered the mail , I had to sit there from 11 : 00 in the morning until 4 : 00 in the afternoon . And the longer I waited the more disturbed Daddy was becoming because his package had not arrived . At 4 : 00 I could hear him yelling in his office to his secretary . Daddy was pissed I was studying when I was supposed to be on the look put for the mailman . He was furious and felt I hadn 't fully paid attention because I was too busy studying and therefor missed seeing the mailman . Are you freaking kidding me ? Was his comment for real ? He must have been joking ! But , he wasn 't and Daddy spent weeks telling people how he had asked me to do a simple favor for him and I couldn 't even do it right . I started to question myself and thought maybe I wasn 't paying enough attention and missed seeing the mailman . However , wouldn 't I have heard him walk on the porch ? Wouldn 't he have knocked ? Of course so why was it my fault ? ! Do you know I had to sit there for another couple of days until his package came . I even had to miss one of my classes because of it . The most infuriating part was the package was a gift he had bought for his then girlfriend . That was what was so important that I had to spend hours sitting and waiting ? Oh my G - d ! Listen , while living with him at that time it was common for Daddy to go through my belongings even if they were in my room . He 'd go through my book bag and look through all of my papers . He claimed he had to do it to check for drugs . He didn 't justify his need to snoop because I had done drugs in the past and he was just making sure I was staying clean . Oh no , that would be what a caring father would have done . Instead , he justified snooping because he felt my erratic behavior clearly showed signs of taking drugs and he was determined to find them . So , Mr . Daddy , using your logic , what drug might I say you were on ? I 'd certainly say your behavior was over the top erratic ! It was incredibly maddening to me when Daddy would accuse me of doing drugs at a time I was so proud of myself for not using . Holy crap ! Could he possibly give me a little credit and encouragement ? It wasn 't easy to not want to use again as life with Daddy made me want to numb myself . But , I knew that path was a dangerous and I couldn 't afford to go in that direction . So , trying so hard to do good then to have Daddy accusing me made me incredibly angry . G - d help Daddy if he had pointed his finger at himself . Gee , there was no way my explosive behavior derived from the constant verbal and physical abuse ? Oh gosh , why would that even cross ( or Jewish star of David ) his mind ? It all was incredible the way he interpreted things . I felt as if I was living in this surreal crazy world and reality was nowhere to be found . Why was he so G - d damn mean ? During one of Daddy 's raids through my book bag he found a pack of cigarettes . I couldn 't believe how shocked he acted because he knew I had been smoking for years . Was he doing that for the benefit of his secretary who also knew I smoked ? What fucking planet was he living ? Come on ! His secretary knew Daddy was acting . After he got over his shock which took a few minutes he told me that all kids my age who smoked were also on drugs . I asked him how he knew that to be true ? He said , " Because studies had been done on it to prove it . " I then said , " Well , I suppose the study was incorrect because they didn 't use me in it . " Daddy 's secretary chuckled out loud which he had not realized he had done . Daddy gave him a mean look and told me to shut the fuck up that I was being sassy . Here 's the crazy part about the entire cigarette thing . It was at that point Daddy felt he had proof I was doing drugs while living in his house . He then turned around and started telling anyone who would listen that had proof I was using drugs . What the hell ? ! That was my reputation he was ruining ! It was a joke . I would hear him on the phone talking to this person or that girlfriend telling each of them a more colorful version than the one before them . I was flabbergasted and felt so betrayed by him . Why would he make up such crap ? Listen , I never denied my drug usage . OK , so , I denied it at the time I was using but knowing I was clean I certainty didn 't want people believing Daddy 's lie about me . I was so angry at what Daddy was doing . As Daddy was telling others about finding proof I did drugs they began giving him advise . Oy ! I never wanted anyone to give Daddy advice . First of all , not realizing it they were giving him advice on false information . But , the other thing was those people would support Daddy and feel bad for him . That would give him a sense of empowerment only adding fuel to the fire for me . I hated it ! I wanted to call every single one of those people to tell them the truth but I knew it would have beenOK , now here 's the really crazy part about Daddy going through my book bag . Because I was living under his roof , all belongings including mine were his . So , he had no problem appropriating items from my bag . I thought I was going crazy for a while there when I didn 't know he was taking my things . What boggled my mind though was when he once took my syllabus from one of my classes . What the hell would he want with a syllabus ? I never could figure out how taking my syllabus would benefit him . But , the amazing story teller he was , I was sure he 'd come up with something . What was wrong with my Dad ? He was not living in the real world . He had conjured up so many stories of things I was supposedly doing . For G - d sake I purposely kept my graded papers and tests in my book bag for him to see how well I was doing . I was hoping those papers would have been proof of the straight path I was following and could be my voice . You know , I 'm not sure he even looked at them . Or maybe he did and he was disappointed I was doing well . See , if I was doing well then there was no chance he would have been able to convince me to quit school and help him . The better I was doing , the less of a chance his plans were going to happen . Because Daddy 's lies about me were supported by his friends and substantiated in his mind he felt justified to question me each and every time I left the house . It got to a point that if I headed to school early or if I needed to stay longer after my class , I had to explain to him why it was necessary . Usually , giving the reason I needed to go to the library to do research or to study ( which was true ) was not good enough for him . I had to specify what I needed to study and the specific research I had to do . But , I remember thinking that was such a joke because how would he have known I was telling him the truth ? Oh , that 's right ! He had my syllabus to confirm it . Listen people , Daddy was not a stupid man . Crazy , yes , but not stupid . But , let me tell you , he wouldn 't have known the purpose of the syllabus . Knowing Daddy he took it thinking it was incriminating . But , when he showed it to someone and they told him what it was , he trashed it because it was no longer valuable to him . Regardless , let 's say he was that knowledgeable I had nothing to worry about in that are because I didn 't lie to him . I never knew if it was true or my imagination but I felt he was getting angrier and angrier with me because of his lack of ability to control me . When I came back from Israel I had a new sense of confidence . And not that I didn 't voice my opinions with Daddy in the past but with all that I gained during my time overseas I was able to put my foot down when Daddy was making bad decisions for me . Before I didn 't have a choice as I was a minor and with that age had less freedoms in making those decisions . And even though I had stood up to him in the past I had limits . I just wanted to desperately understand why Daddy couldn 't be supportive and happy for me . Why was it necessary for him to have the need to control ? I spent much of my time in my room or at school when Daddy would allow it . I knew keeping out of his way was best . However , I was so incredibly lonely . I felt more alone with Daddy there than when I lived practically alone as Daddy was girlfriend hopping . Trying to keep away from him as much as possible to make my life a little easier , I 'd only go into his section of the house to use the restroom and to grab something from the kitchen to eat . But , I 'd only go to the kitchen once he was in his bedroom so he couldn 't yell at me for having taken " his food " . By that point Daddy refused to buy food for me and I wasn 't allowed to touch his specific grocery 's . I remember many nights eating a jelly sandwich with a cup of water for my dinner . No peanut butter because Daddy hated peanut butter . Even though my days were very lonely what upset me the most were those nights I 'd sit on my bed in my room eating dinner alone . I would cry a lot and wondered why me . I didn 't do anything that bad to deserve this . I missed Momma and I couldn 't understand why Daddy was just so damn mean . I missed Elspeth and would have loved to have her with me . I hated my life with Daddy and I knew it wasn 't healthy . Daddy wasn 't demanding I do jobs for him anymore and nor was I volunteering either . I had a problem though . Daddy refused to pay for my toiletries . OK , he pretty much refused to pay for most anything . But , particularly my toiletries because he felt they were too damn expensive . In fact during this time he had this pure hate for my long hair . OK , he absolutely despised it . He felt all of my hair products were a waste because if I had just cut my hair , I wouldn 't have to use all of that crap . But listen , I was 21 years old and loved all of the fragrant hair products . It was my indulgent addiction . But for whatever reason , he seemed to use my hair as his reason to not buy my toiletries . Oh , my G - d ! About my hair at that time . It was long , very thick , curly red hair . Now , for those who 've had or knows of someone who has had long hair , understands it sheds . It 's just what happens . Well , Daddy would get furious when he 'd find it in the sink . That goes without saying . But , he claimed he was picking it up off of the carpet like dog hair and that in itself would easily send him over the edge . My hair , people , would send my dad over the top . Holy crap was that crazy . Anyway , back to Daddy not buying me toiletries . It had been a good 6 months since Daddy had given me money to buy tampons and pads . I had asked Daddy for money to buy more but he 'd tell me they weren 't necessary and a waste of money . So , there were a couple of months I had to be creative during my period because I didn 't have any pads or tampons . As I knew my period was approaching again I thought while Daddy 's secretary was in the office I 'd try to ask Daddy for some money to get a box of tampons . I knew he wouldn 't allow me to get a box of tampons and pads , so I just kept it simple or so I thought . I rehearsed how I was going to ask Daddy for the money in my head while I was in my room . I went over it for a good 30 minutes before getting the nerve to leave my room to ask him . After all , we had not spoken nor had Daddy acknowledged me in over a week , so their was no telling how he 'd react . I figured I couldn 't be any worse off by asking him than I was at that point . It was worth a shot . Meanwhile , I couldn 't believe my nervousness was all over a damn box of tampons . I opened the door to my room , walked down the hall to Daddy 's office and knocked on his open door . He had two gentlemen with him . Uh oh , that was not part of my rehearsal . And now I was stuck because Daddy already saw me . He motioned for me to enter his office . He was smiling like nothing was wrong . I knew that was because he had the two gentlemen in his office . His smile was simply for show . I asked if I could please have $ 15 . 00 to buy some toiletries . As he turned his head to look at the two gentlemen , he questioned why I needed the money ? Too embarrassed to say what I needed I said , " It 's for some personal items I get at the drugstore . " Do you know I found out later Daddy thought they were for a box of condoms ? What the fucking hell ? Are you kidding me ? He was absolutely clueless and it showed where his head was that was for sure . I just wanted a box of tampons . Even the two gentlemen had guessed what I needed . But not my ol Daddy O . Nope he was clueless and had his mind in the gutter . He refused to give me money . I remember begging him but he refused . As I walked out of his office his secretary motioned for me . I walked into his office . He whispered to me that he knew what I needed and he tried to give me some money . I wouldn 't take it because I was afraid of what Daddy might have done if he found out . So , he offered to talk to Daddy for me . I was grateful for his help . I went back to my room . At the end of the day Daddy 's secretary knocked on my bedroom door and came in after I answered . He told me he had spoken to Daddy and I should go talk to him a little later . He said Daddy had agreed to give me the money but I 'd have to at least show him the tampon box when I came back from the store . Well , I wasn 't thrilled with having to prove myself but would do almost anything at that point for a box of tampons . I really appreciated the help of Daddy 's secretary but I didn 't like having to go talk to Daddy when the secretary had left . I didn 't trust Daddy . But , I couldn 't say anything to his secretary . He had done so much for me and I didn 't want to seem ungrateful . I couldn 't concentrate on my studies once the secretary told me to go see Daddy later . I was nervous and couldn 't believe it was all over a box of tampons . While I was going over all of the possible scenarios in my head I ended up falling asleep . Whoops , I didn 't mean to do that . When I woke up I heard Daddy on his phone in his office . When he hung up I knew it was time to go talk to him . I stood at my bedroom door holding the door knob for what seemed forever . I went over the different scenarios in my head one last time . G - d , I hated this ! I didn 't want to fight with Daddy anymore . My heart was racing . I finally turned the knob and opened my door . I walked down the hallway and lightly knocked on Daddy 's already open office door . He wouldn 't answer me . I said , " Daddy , your secretary told me to come talk to you . " Without looking up from his work , he told me in a cold tone to come in and sit down . I did . I waited quietly for Daddy to finish what he was doing . I didn 't want to interrupt him as I thought it would make him angry . The next thing I knew he had thrown his reading glasses on his desk and said , " So , you going to continue to waste my time or are you going to fucking speak ? " I told him I didn 't want to interrupt him and was waiting for him to finish . He told me to cut the crap and just tell him what I needed to say . I asked him if he could please give me $ 15 . 00 so I could go to the drugstore . He gave me a blank look . I reminded him about his conversation with his secretary earlier that day and explained I understood that I could come and get the $ 15 . 00 . Refusing to acknowledge his conversation with his secretary , he started to raise his voice and very sternly said , " I refuse to go through this all over again . He then went into a long speech about how he didn 't deserve the way I was treating him and taking advantage of him . I was confused . Why was he acting like he hadn 't even spoken to his secretary about this ? As he kept rambling about how awful I was and how he didn 't deservI could see Daddy steaming from anger but why was it so necessary to be so angry . I was so baffled . But then with out answering me , he grabbed his head with one hand and his chest with his other and let out a sigh . He sat there like that for eternity . I suppose that was what he learned from watching those 1930 's movies . Those movies and Daddy were quite dramatic . Daddy tried to keep himself awake but he kept falling asleep . I was afraid to wake him but this situation had already been going on for a god hour . He started to snore which thank G - d woke him up . His hands still in their dramatic locations , he asked , " Why do you insist on giving me a heart attack ? You exhaust me and I can 't take it anymore , " I admit I got mad at that point . I raised my voice a little bit and asked , Daddy , did you or did you not tell your secretary you 'd give me the money to buy what I needed ? Why can 't you answer me ? Then , I told him if he had only paid me as he promised for the jobs I had done for him , we could have evaded this argument . Well ? So much for trying to avoid him for the last few weeks because the anger on Daddy 's face was telling me he was going to make up for it in this one moment . He stood up from his chair and banged his fists on his desk . He was pissed . Um , no not pissed … he was furious . Um , no he was angrier than furious if that was possible . Who was I kidding ? Of course it was possible ! He yelled how dare I try to corner him and attempt to call him a liar . I told him those were his words , not mine . He started screaming how selfish I was . Selfish ? I was selfish ? What the fuck you asshole ? I dropped out of school , got several jobs so I could pay your G - d damn bills ! I was furious by his accusation that I was selfish . Something clicked inside me and I stood up as tall as I could yelling , " Oh no sir ! You are the selfish asshole here ! I have given my life to help you . How quickly you seem to have forgotten that it was me who paid your fucking bills so you would have a home ! It was me who you left alone atWhen I hung up the phone and turned around Daddy was standing there staring at me . He looked shocked and curious . He had believed I had not made any arrangements and couldn 't imagine who I had called . I went to my room to pack my things . Daddy followed me . I ignored him . He seemed shocked I was leaving and even sad . G - d damnit ! Which was it you bastard of a father ? You want me here ? You want me gone ? You want to love me ? You want to beat me ? What the fuck do you want from me ? Well , Daddy O you 'll have to go fucking figuring it out on your own because I 'm outta here . I was SO hurt . I never wanted to believe my dad was abusive . I wanted him to be someone else . The realization of who my father really was was a very painful moment . As I began packing my suitcases , I could see in the corner of my eye that Daddy was standing in my doorway . Without looking at him and while continuing to pack , I angrily and coldly asked , " What the hell do you want ? " That 's when he told me if I was leaving him then that night I could only take what I could carry out in one trip . He told me the rest he would throw away . I wouldn 't react . I knew Daddy said that to hurt me . However , I could not hold back my tears . Knowing my ride was going to be there in 30 minutes I quickly packed my clothes and anything else I felt was sentimental to me . I had no choice but to leave everything else behind . I knew I had to keep moving and to not look at Daddy . I couldn 't let him suck me back into his crazy web . Once I was done , I put the the long strap of two smaller bags over my head and shoulder . Then I took the long strap from my duffle bag put it on my shoulder and then grabbed my suitcase . I had my 21years of belongings in those four bags and I was giving myself a new start . I was terrified , I was scared and I had no clue what the hell I was going to do to make it through college and pay my bills . But , I did know I had a place to go for the time being and that brought me a sense of relief . I finally was able to physically leave my abusive father and have a new start . As I walked passed Daddy and down his long hallway , I refused to look back . I left my keys on his secretaries table and went down the very , narrow steps for the last time . The psychologist 's wife was waiting in the parking lot . She helped me with my things . As we were driving away I saw Daddy looking out his secretary 's window . The life as I knew it was over . I cried . Before the winter quarter started I was helping Daddy as he needed . One morning he told me I needed to organize his supply closet , so some things he had in his office could fit . Let me tell you though , I just couldn 't organize it . I had to walk around with him as he gave me the exact instructions and I had a special notebook to take notes . That process usually took a good 45 minutes before I could even start on the task . Once he gave me the go ahead to get started , I took my notes and got to work . After about an hour Daddy walked by and got angry I was doing it the wrong way . Well , actually , he was furious . He yelled , " I clearly told you in my instructions to remove everything from the closet first . If you had opened your G - d damn ears and listened to me , you would have known ! " Just as Daddy finished telling me what an idiot I was because I wasn 't doing it as he instructed , his secretary called for him making up something for him to do to help get him out of my hair . Thank G - d ! He was able to keep him out of my way all day until I was finished . I waited until the next day to tell Daddy I was finished . He told me I was to wait in the hallway until he could come check . After about a half hour I told his secretary I was going to the restroom and would be back . Well , let 's say I took my time . I was pissed I wasn 't going to continue waiting . When I returned Daddy was talking to his secretary . When he turned to look at me , he was pissed beyond words . How dare I leave when he told me to wait . I told him I had gone to the restroom . He told me he didn 't care if I needed to leave to the emergency room , I was not to leave . He then went into the supply closet to see if I had done it correctly . Next thing I knew he was screaming and yelling how I had done it all wrong . He crazily started pulling all of the items off the shelves and letting them drop to the floor . Daddy 's secretary was shocked and tried to get Daddy to calm down . Not even he could get him to calm down . Once Daddy was done with his fit of rage , he told me because I didn 't do the job correctly , he wasn 't going to pay me . Then , he told me I was to have the closet finished by morning . Shocked by what he did in front of his secretary , I initially just stood there . Then , I turned to Daddy as he was walking down the hallway and yelled , " No , you made the mess , you clean it up ! " I knew because Daddy 's secretary was there , he probably wouldn 't hit me . But when I saw how angry he was I wasn 't quite sure . What he did do was threaten to stop payment on the check he sent for me to attend college . However , I knew it had already been cashed , so I didn 't have to worry about it . My non reaction was infuriating to Daddy . He went into his living area of the apartment and locked the door . That evening he kept the door locked and wouldn 't let me in to get anything to eat or to go to the bathroom . I continued to have to ask Daddy for money for my toiletries . And even by the time I started winter quarter he had not paid me for any of the jobs I had done . One afternoon I had started my period a little earlier . For most women stress would keep them from getting their periods . No not me . Mine had to come early . I needed to run to the store to get some tampons but I had to ask Daddy for money . When I went to his office to ask him he not only had his secretary in there but someone else I didn 't know . I apologized . Daddy told me it was OK and asked what I needed . I asked him if I could have $ 10 . 00 . He of course asked me why and then looked at his secretary and the other gentleman and said , " You know these Kid 's these days . You never know how they 're spending your money . " I was so pissed by his comment . I said , " Well , technically Daddy , it 's my money for the jobs I 've done . " Daddy laughed and told me I didn 't earn it because I had refused to do any task right . He then looked at the others and winked at them . What the fucking hell ? Daddy asked me again why I needed the money . I told him I needed to go to the drug store . Listen , aside from being totally pissed I had to tell him what I was buying before he 'd give me the money , I didn 't mind telling Daddy why . But , not in mixed company . I told him I couldn 't tell him at the moment . He got mad . The others knew but not my dear ol dad . Instead , Daddy kept getting angrier and angrier . He finally told me to forget it that he wasn 't going to give me a damn dime until I told him . He told me to get out of his sight . When I walked out of his office I heard him discussing with his secretary and other gentleman how I do nothing but take money from him and he 's tired of it . He told them how he has been paying for my schooling and how ungrateful I was . He gave them a cockamamie story about all he had done for me since Momma had died . I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs . I wanted to tell them he was totally lying . But there was nothing I could doWinter quarter couldn 't have arrived quick enough . Daddy wouldn 't let me use his car , so I had to take the bus to the campus . I was mad at first only because he kept stripping me of things the more I kept trying to do to better myself . But , then , I didn 't care and just wanted to be in school . One of the first classes I took was a required English class . I enjoyed it . I had to write a term paper on a poem of my choosing . I chose Haim Nachman Bialick and his poem , Kishnev . I spent the entire quarter gathering information about the Russian pogroms and related it to the poem . A time of no Internet I spent hours at the library doing my research . Daddy allowed me to use his computer to type it . One evening I was on the computer finishing my paper . I was almost done and really proud of the work I had done . As I was working Daddy stormed over to me . He was pissed that he had called for me and I didn 't go to him . I didn 't hear him . Holy crap ! His apartment was on the other side of the building . It was feasible I didn 't hear him . Daddy seemed overly angry at me for not answering him . When I told him I didn 't hear him , he went ballistic . He asked me to give him my floppy disc so he could destroy it . Um , like hell ! When I told him hell no especially because it was my only copy , he then tried to jump over the desk to get it . I pushed him away . He walked around the desk and shoved me into the wall . Like hell was I going to allow him to destroy my work . He had done it in the past but not this time . I was going to fight like hell to protect it . Because Daddy was clueless where the floppy disc was even located , I was able to get to it first . I grabbed it and ran down the hall to my room . I knew he was going to break open my door , so I had seconds to think fast on where to put it . I shoved it down the back of my pants but opened a few of my dresser drawers to throw him off . ( OK , for those of you who remember those floppy discs you 'll understand shoving it down my pants was not easy . Today , I can laugh about it because as I had it in my pants , I know I had to have been walking funny as big as it was . Also , I was extremely afraid I could break it . I prayed Daddy wouldn 't force me to sit down . How many people can say they were forced to hide a floppy disc down their pants ? I 'm sure not many . Crazy , I say ! Just crazy ! ) Just as I closed one of the drawers , Daddy had kicked in the door . He ransacked my room looking for the disc . When he couldn 't find it he demanded I give it to him . Not this time . I was not going to give in so easily this time . He tried to grab my book bag when he couldn 't get the floppy disc . He told me he wanted to tear up one of my school books . He was shocked when I shoved him out of the way and grabbed it . That 's when he told me he had enough of me and my crazy behavior . He said I had one month to leave . He grabbed his chest telling me I was giving him a heart attack and I wasn 't going to be the cause of his death . As he walked to his living area he kept rambling how he couldn 't take it anymore and he wasn 't going to put up with my crazy behavior anymore . I was afraid to be out on my own . I knew what that was like when I was previously in college . And this time I didn 't have money or a car . I figured Daddy was just blowing out hot air like he had in the past but I knew I needed to come up with a back up plan . I think I knew it was time for me to go and finally get away . I had been doing a little work with the local Jewish Youth group . The advisor for the group I barely knew at this time but there was something about her that made me feel safe . She was a professor at the college I was attending . Sadly , there was no one else I knew . Well , there were at least three of Daddy 's ex girlfriend in town but not people I would call for help . Finally able to see the reality of Daddy 's outbursts along with his increased physical abuse I was finally scared enough to ask for help . One day while I was at the college I stopped by that professor 's office . As I told her I needed to get out of Daddy 's house I started to cry . The pain of being rejected by a parent was very difficult . The idealistic dad I had created in my head , it was dawning to me who he really was . As I waited for the professor to finish something before she talked to me , I started daydreaming . I wished this professor was my mother . All I wanted was to be loved and supported . And when I say supported I mean given praise and encouragement . I was trying to turn my life around . I wanted more for myself than where I was headed before going to Israel . G - d dammit , most parents would praise their child for being able to take the initiative . It was a hard reality to see the abusive man my father was and know I needed to get out . I remember sitting in the professor 's office scared out of my mind . I was terrified to tell her about Daddy . In many ways I was still feeling it was my fault . Even so , I asked her if she knew of anyone I could possibly live with who was close to the college . Since I had no money I thought possibly in exchange for rent , I could clean their house or whatever else they needed . Surely , there had to be someone . Honestly ( as if I haven 't been thus far ) I wanted this professor to take me in like a lost puppy and care for me . BUT , I knew that wouldn 't have been fair or right . I was so relived when the professor had an idea . She told me there had been another professor and his wife who had rented out one of their bedrooms in their home . They lived right next to the school which was perfect since I didn 't have a car . She told me she 'd ask if that room was available and if I could do a trade . Still secretive about Daddy 's abuse , this professor was insightful enough to know something was terribly wrong . I have to admit I don 't remember how much I told her about my situation . I 'm guessing not much . I 'm sure though , my fear was quite apparent . She offered for me to stay with her but I was afraid to except . I liked her and her family a lot and I didn 't want to burden them with my problem . Plus , I wasn 't sure what Daddy could do . Sure enough the other professor and his wife did have a room available in their home for me to stay . I was terrified of the thought of leaving Daddy . I spoke to the professor 's wife and she suggested I come over to meet her one afternoon after my classes . Without any of Daddy 's knowledge I met with her and she graciously agreed for me to live with them . As a psychologist 's wife she knew I hadn 't hit the end of my rope yet and wasn 't ready to leave Daddy . So , she told me when I was ready no matter what time of day or night , she 'd come get me . That peace of mind knowing I had a place available meant the world to me . Everyday in Daddy 's house was filed with screaming , violence and a lot , a lot of anger . And that included a lot of anger on my part as well . One morning I had gotten up to get ready for one of my classes . I had been up late for the last many nights studying for a test . They were NOT my strong point by any means , so I was working very hard to do well . So , I got up to get ready for class . Daddy had been angry with me for pretty much the entire time I had been home from Israel . I knew I was buying my time with him and crazy as it was , I stayed as long as I could . Well , that morning I was taking my shower . Let me explain first . In Daddy 's house one was NOT allowed to shower for more than three or four minutes . See , the houses we lived in had limited hot water , so there had to be enough left for him . And he never could wait for it to heat up again . So , I was in the bathroom showering . I remember feeling exhausted not just from studying but being in such an oppressive house too . As I was showering I was going over what was to be on my test in my head and I lost track of my time . Next thing I knew there was a tremendous BANG on the door . Right when I heard it after I had to shove my heart back down out of my throat , I realized I had been in there too long . Daddy had broken open the door . Meanwhile , it wasn 't locked . He was screaming at the top of his lungs to get the hell out of his bathroom . He was pacing the floor and flailing his arms all around . He tried to grab me but I disappeared back behind the shower curtain . Luckily he wasn 't ready to get wet as I still had the shower running . I yelled back at him that I would get out of the shower as soon as he left . He ranted for another 5 minutes . I had to scream over him to get him to hear me . I screamed , " Daddy , you are wasting your own hot water . Get out so I can get the soap off and get out ! " I had to scream it four or five times before he finally slammed out . Because Daddy had to get into the bathroom right then I had no time to dry off . I had to wrap the towel around me , grab all of my clothes and school stuff I was using to study and go to my room . I was doing fine on time . I didn 't have to catch the city bus to take me to the college for another hour . Since the kitchen was in Daddy 's living area I dreaded to go there to get breakfast . I figured I could at least grab a bagel . When I went to open the door to his living area , it was locked . He had locked me out ! I was so pissed by his desire to have so much control over every little G - d damn thing ! I figured I 'd go ahead and grab my school stuff and head to school . Since the bus only came once an hour , I figured I 'd walk to another stop which would help me get out some anger and energy before my test . Just as I was gathering my stuff to get ready to leave I heard stomping coming from Daddy 's living area . And to my dismay that stomping was coming closer to me . I heard his door open and him ranting about something under his breath . He yelled , " And where the hell do you think you 're going ? " I told him I had a test and I was leaving for that class . You would have thought I told him I was burning down his house with as angry as he was . Would you believe that man stood there for over 30 minutes not allowing me to leave ? I was in a panic because I had missed my bus by that point and didn 't know of another way . Daddy certainly was not going to take me and I even asked him . When I told Daddy I had missed my bus , he told me that was good because then I knew how he felt when I inconvenienced him . I was crying and so raging mad . I punched a hole in my bedroom wall . OK , so that wasn 't so smart considering Daddy was already so angry . But , you have to understand . I had to let it out . Daddy went ballistic . I told him he was lucky I didn 't put a hole into him . I know . Not a smart thing to say either . Daddy screamed I was to get the fuck out and I had better find a place to live because I wasn 't welcomed to stayAnd yet I still wasn 't ready to leave . I know . I know . I had a place to go . Because of the help of the professor who was the advisor for the youth group I had a place to go . It 's so easy to look back now and say why did I even return from Israel and live with him . I get it and understand that now . Well , I understand to a point . My brain understands but as a daughter of abuse , my heart always caring for my father . My heart that was waiting for the moment where he would change and be able to love his children . So , I couldn 't leave him and have him think I abandoned him like everyone else had done . Don 't say it . I know . People didn 't abandon Daddy , he pushed them away . I get that today but then , believe it or not , I was not ready . However , it would only take one more event for me to finally have to leave . Daddy would show me how far he was willing to take his anger and I knew I was in danger at that point . That event which I will share in my next chapter was I felt Daddy 's worse display of violence . It would forever be imprinted in my memories as the worse day of my entire life . It was the day I was forced to see my father for who he really was . In August of 1989 I headed to New York to meet the group I 'd be spending the next nine months with in Israel . As nervous as I was , I was as equally excited . I was looking forward to my experience and probably for different reasons than my fellow group members . My top two reasons were I would be able to have three meals a day and wouldn 't have to worry about working 50 hours a week so I could pay mine and Daddy 's bills . It would be the first time in many years where Daddy was not an obligation of mine and I didn 't have to feel guilty for it . And because of that I felt liberated in a way . I felt the real me could come out without any ramifications or worry . With Daddy I had to be guarded and even then it didn 't always make a difference . But , always better guarded than not . Here 's the thing though . I still couldn 't admit nor see where Daddy 's behavior was totally abusive . Well , I 'm not sure how to explain what I was thinking at the time . It was warped and a way for me to cope . I viewed Daddy in two different lights . One I wanted to believe and one I knew him to be . And quite frankly , it was easier to want to believe he loved me and wouldn 't want to hurt me . It was so incredibly difficult to see the abuse to it 's full extent because then I 'd have to lose another parent . And I know some would feel that would have been better than to endure the abuse but you have to understand . Daddy had spent years initially manipulating , isolating and verbally breaking me down . I didn 't have a parent to counter act that behavior . It was what I knew . Where all other people referred to the ceiling as a ceiling , Daddy taught us to call it a floor . Of course not literally but that 's how upside down my life was with Daddy . He viewed every single thing in life differently than anyone else . And if I only knew that one upside down way even as harmful as it was , I 'd have to get away from him , see more of the world around me . Then , learn what was the right way . I must have known in my gut going on this program wouWhile in Israel Daddy moved yet again to another city . This one was bigger and considered the second largest city in the State . He found a place across from the court house . Part of it was Daddy 's living area and the other half was his office . He told me he found a place that had a bedroom for me and he had already put my things in it . I was touched . Listen , I missed Daddy and I knew he missed me . When we spoke even though long distant calls were expensive he took the time to hear my stories and all I was doing . We corresponded with each other too . I wrote him letters and Daddy , who never wrote , would send me tapes of him telling me what was happening . And the tapes weren 't any of the negative crap he burdened me with when I was home . He told me jokes that were told to him and other neat stories . I loved our interaction and started to believe Daddy had changed . During one of my letters I explained I wanted to go back to college as soon as I got home . Daddy never responded , so I brought it up to him during a call . He wasn 't responsive and told me we 'd talk about it when I returned . Knowing Daddy didn 't have the money to pay for it , I made it clear to him I would find a way to do it myself . One thing he said which had alarmed me was he was looking forward to me helping him but he 'd explain it when I got home . But , I think I was in such LaLa land from how he was treating me on the phone , I dismissed his comment . When I returned to the States Daddy picked me up from the airport and he was on time . I will never forget the look on his face as I walked into the waiting area . He was thrilled to see me as I was to see him . He embraced me with one of his wonderful bear hugs and gave me a kiss . He told me he loved me and missed me . It was nice . I couldn 't believe I was home . I felt different . I felt older in many ways than age . While we were getting my luggage I started telling him about me wanting to go to college . I knew there was a University in the town he had moved , so I could live at home while attending . Daddy kept ignoring what I was telling him and evading my questions . I let it go . While out of the airport Daddy told me I had gotten fat . Without missing a beat I said , " Thank you . I see you have lost your charm with women . Oh and you look old . " He smiled and told me that would have been exactly what your Momma would have said . I felt I had more of a sense of power and self respect . Now , the fact I had gained weight was beside the point . In the scheme of things it was not the thing for Daddy to say to me . It was night time when we arrived at Daddy 's place . I wasn 't so sure about the safety of where he lived . It was downtown and in an area known for it 's crime . But , thank goodness I didn 't know much of that until later . The building he had his office and home was an old building from the 1900 's . It was a duplex from that time period which meant the downstairs was one place and the upstairs was another . We parked in a parking lot that was used for parking by the other attorney offices in that area . We were going in the back door but had to head up a narrow few steps before he could unlock the door . Once inside he dead bolted it three times . Yeah , that did make me suspicious . Then , we had to go up a flight of unfinished steep , narrow stairs before we hit another door to unlock . Apparently , when this house was built , the back stairs was used as the service stairs . Daddy with another key unlocked the second door . It opened into his secretary 's office . He was excited for me to see his office . We walked out of the secretary 's office into a long hallway which had other rooms coming off of it . Daddy 's office was to the left with a supply closet to the right . Further down the hall to the left was a room filled with boxes of the things he hadn 't unpacked and had no room to put anywhere . Back in the hallway there was a room to the right and just after was a long staircase heading down to the front door where his clients would enter . Daddy opened that room next to the staircase and it was my room . He had my entire room set up . My concern though there wasn 't a bathroom and my room was in the office area . I mentioned to Daddy that I thought he had a different living quarters . He motioned for me to follow him . He closed my door and walked past the staircase to another door . When he opened it there was a living room area , a bedroom to it 's left and small dining area , a kitchen and bathroom . He then told me that was his living area . I then said , " Oh , so when I wake up in the morning and it 's after 8 : 30 I wThe next day I woke up around 11 . I could hear Daddy talking to another man but I didn 't know who it was . I needed to go to the bathroom but remembered it was in Daddy 's section . So , because he was trying to run an office I got fully dressed . As soon as I opened the door Daddy nicely yelled down the hall , " And the beauty queen is finally awake . " Before I could get to the other door to go into his apartment he told me he wanted to I introduce me to his secretary . Well , the other man 's voice I heard was his secretary . I liked him a lot . He would always stand up for me when he could . After I got dressed Daddy told me we needed to meet and he was having his secretary sit in with us . What the hell ? I knew things weren 't going to go as I wanted . And I was stuck because all of my money in savings was gone . I was at the whim of my dad and that realization scared the hell out of me . As the three of us sat there in Daddy 's office he explained that he had just started his law practice in this town . He needed time and help building it up and he could see lots of wonderful things happening ( but only with my help ) . After a good 30 minutes of the cheerleader talk I asked him what help did he have in mind . What could I have possibly done to help him ? That 's when he told me I was to do whatever needed to be done . My response to him ? I said , " No Daddy . I want to go to school and if I don 't do it now I never will . " He was not happy and took a glance at his secretary . I asked Daddy why it was necessary that the secretary be there . He told me it was for his protection . Just at that moment as he said that , I felt my face turn red with total rage wanting to spew out from my insides . I hadn 't felt that in a long time and thought it had gone away . I wanted desperately to not show it . See , I knew he had set me up . He wanted the secretary to see I was the problem and not him . Thankfully , the secretary stepped in and suggested Daddy let me at the very least get the information on school . And if he didn 't have to fork over any money , then what harm would it do . I was certain he didn 't expect that from his secretary but I was grateful . Daddy told me I was to get that information and have it ready to present to him in 3 days . I told him only if I can get the I information in that time . He responded , " If you want me to consider it , you 'll have it ready in 3 days . " OK , so 3 days it would be whether I could get all of it or not I was going to have something that was for sure . After Daddy adjourned our meeting I left immediately and headed to the University 's financial aid department only after finally going to the bathroom first . The woman who I would need to speak with happened to be there . I couldn 't believe I had a bit of luck . She sat with me for a good hour explaining how it all worked . She told me I 'd have to be independent from my parents for 2 years before I could apply for any aid myself . She explained that I 'd have to file my own taxes for two years which would be the proof of my independence . But , because Daddy had been filing his taxes with me as his dependent , I would need his tax forms to file for any aid . I was worried because I wasn 't sure Daddy would give me a copy of his tax form to show he was making under a certain amount allowing me to receive financial aid . I told her my concerns . She told me to talk with him and if there was a problem to talk to her again . I knew I 'd be back . I was really nervous the day we were to meet . I couldn 't believe I was practically having to beg Daddy to go to college but instead he wanted me for himself . At the time we met wouldn 't you know that Daddy had his secretary doing other things . Dammit ! I was hoping I 'd have him there for support . So , I told Daddy what the woman said at the financial aide office . And just as I expected he told me there was no way in hell he was going to " share " his tax forms with anyone . He then went off on how his Social security number is a private number not to be shared with anyone . Prepared for that answer I asked if he would please stop filing me as a dependent . Worse case scenario I 'd have to work for a few years and go then . Daddy was furious and started yelling at me . The secretary came into his office and asked what in the world was so bad he had to yell like he was . Daddy told him and he said , " Yep , that 's how it works . Why are you so angry at MaLea ? " Daddy 's face was red with anger . He told me to get the hell out of his office . I was angry myself and yelled as I walked out of his office , " I just want to go to school and I can 't believe you are fighting me . " I was trapped in Daddy 's house . I didn 't know anyone where he had moved and I had no money . I had to figure out something . Lucky to have the secretary on my side after about a month of continuous talks and fights , Daddy said he 'd pay for one semester of school and if I needed his taxes for the next quarter , he 'd send the school the copy . He would not give it to me . However , there was a catch . I would need to help him around the office when I wasn 't in class . I was to get up by 7 : 30 and ready to go by 8 : 30 . And if I helped him he 'd actually pay me $ 7 . 00 an hour . I felt I had no choice so I agreed . Since it was too late to enroll in Fall classes I did so for the Winter quarter . Daddy never had specific jobs for me and would come up with them arbitrarily . Once he asked that I straighten the room with the boxes . I was to find specific items , get them from the boxes and then neatly stack the boxes . I was supposed to get paid after each job but after each job Daddy had an excuse why he couldn 't pay me . I needed the money because I needed to buy things . I needed shampoo , toothpaste and other toiletries . So , every time I had to go to him to ask for money . But , he would never just hand it over . He 'd ask me what I needed it for . If I told him I needed to get something from the drugstore , he 'd want to know specifics . I had to tell him exactly what I needed before he 'd give me any money . Meanwhile , technically it was the money he owed me anyway . From the time I came back from Israel Daddy 's behavior seemed more erratic . However , he probably was the same but being away for so long allowed me to recognize it . The odd thing though was all of his girlfriends had left him except for one . But , she was a new one . Maybe , it was a little bit of both ? Who knows but what I did know was he was angrier than ever and the next months would be some of my hardest . |
I was invited to spend nine weeks , more than two moths , of my summer vacation with my cousin Frank who lived at his aunt Laura 's house in a small town down south . He was the same age as me , eleven years old . Our birthdays are just one week apart , he is the oldest . I was met at the railway station by aunt Laura and Frank . It had been a year since I last saw Frank the last time and he looked great . It was the first time that I met aunt Laura , she was a big , strong woman , almost frightening . When we arrived at the house in the evening . Aunt Laura told Frank to show me to his room . We were going to share his room and I was looking forward to that . Frank and I had always enjoyed each others company . This will be really great I thought . Here we would have a great time . Just think of it , two months of playing , swimming in the nearby lake and doing all sorts of fun together . Aunt Laura called us down to the kitchen and served us a great supper . She was a tremendous cook . As a teacher in a cooking class what would you expect ? Later that evening we sat around the big kitchen table and talked while aunt Laura was knitting . Frank and I made up the wildest plans , fantasizing about what we were going to do during the coming 9 weeks . It felt so homey . I had been traveling almost all day and it was to soon 9 pm . and it was time to go to bed . A little early I thought , but I was tired so I didn 't mind . So up the stairs we went and I got undressed and hit the sac . Aunt Laura was coming to tuck us in as soon as she had done the dishes . I crawled under the bedsheets dressed in my boxer shorts . But Frank just lay on top of the bed naked . A little puzzled I looked at him but said nothing . We didn 't say anything , we just waited there in silence for aunt Laura . I looked at Frank and saw how he crawled almost all the way down on his bed until his lower legs were outside of the bed . It looked very strange but I did nothing , just watched . Aunt Laura went over to a dresser and pulled out the top drawer and took out some stuff . I couldn 't see what it was and she put it on a small table beside Frank 's bed . Then to my surprise she took out a bottle from the pocket of her apron and handed it to Frank . I could see that it looked like a baby bottle . I watched the scene in amazement . Frank took the baby bottle and started to suck on it . He raised his legs and placed his feet on aunt Laura 's shoulders and spread his knees apart . I thought it looked ridicules . Then I saw how aunt Laura started to pour out a white powder over Frank 's boy parts . I couldn 't believe my eyes . Did Frank have a rash or something ? When aunt Laura was finished with the powder , Frank raised his hips and aunt Laura took something from the table and moved it under him . Frank lowered his hips again . Now I clearly could see what they were doing . Aunt Laura was putting a diaper on Frank ! Was he a bed wetter ? I could see how aunt Laura lifted the top of the diaper from between his legs and firmly attached it to the waist band that was coming up from under him , and taped it all together so it formed a complete diaper around Frank 's crotch . He looked like he was totally concentrated on sucking on his baby bottle and didn 't care what aunt Laura was doing to him . He raised his feet straight up and aunt Laura took a pair of thick plastic panties and moved them down his legs finishing of by letting them securely cover his diaper . The next thing that aunt Laura took up from the table looked like a pair of baby blue pajamas and she started to put them on Frank who still had his feet straight up . As she moved them down he raised his body and put down his baby bottle , lowered his arms so aunt Laura could move the sleeves up his arms . Now I could see that the pajamas was a one peace and it was soon covering his hole body including his feet ! It had small baby teddy bears and unicorns and such printed in yellow all over it . The collar went all the way up to his chin and had white ruffles almost up to his ears . The only things of his body that wasn 't covered where his hands and head . It was even more cute than the pajamas I often had seen little babies wearing . She zipped it up in the back and he lay there on top of the bed , again sucking on his baby bottle . Now I could see that his wrists also were covered with ruffles covering a large part of his hands . I just lay there in my bed giggling . Frank was now diapered and was wearing these ridicules pajamas and he was ready for the night . I couldn 't help myself staring at him . He looked like a big toddler , so sweet and cute sucking on that baby bottle . As he pulled his knees up I could clearly see his diapers bulging out around his crotch I could hardly stop myself from laughing out loud . While I was staring at Frank I noticed that aunt Laura had gone over to the dresser again and picked up some more stuff out of the drawer and put it on the table . I didn 't think so much about it . Suddenly she stood at the foot end of my bed looking at me . Horrified I heard her say : " Well , now it 's your turn Mike . Place yourself on top of the covers and crawl down here " I thought my hart would jump out of my chest . Was she really going to put me too in diapers ? Was she joking ? But I could see on her face that she wasn 't joking . " Yes aunt Laura " I said and I did as I was told . Thinking to myself that this can 't true . Why was she doing this to me ? So there I was , laying on the bed with my feet on aunt Laura 's shoulders and getting powdered over my boy parts and sucking on a baby bottle . I could 't believe what was happening to me . " Hips up " she commanded , and so I did . I felt a diaper being pushed under me . " Hips down " she ordered and I did so . Then I saw and felt how the top of the diaper was being firmly placed on my belly and taped together with the waist band coming up from under my back . The diaper was now totally covering my hole crotch area . Oh shit , now I too was in diaper ! The next thing was a thick transparent plastic pantie that was moved down my legs and then up to my waist , covering the diaper completely . Aunt Laura gave her work a careful inspection and adjusted it to perfection . She took her time to do it right . To end it all she gave me a couple of pats with her hand right over my boy parts , and commented " It is looking really nice on you Mike " . I will never forget that smacking sound and that humiliating feeling . Then she reached for the pajamas and started to move them down my legs and the rest of my body . I saw that also my pajamas had feet and ruffles on them . " Raise your body " she commanded and I did , . " Let go off the bottle and move your arms through the sleeves " . I did as I was told . She zipped up the pajamas in my back , told me to lay down and gave me the baby bottle again . I was now like Frank laying on the top of the bed wearing diaper and these ridicules baby blue pajamas with yellow unicorns and bunnies and ruffles and sucking on a baby bottle . There was nothing I could do about it . I realized that I must now be looking just as cute and adorable as I just a few minutes ago thought that Frank did . But now I didn 't laugh anymore . " Don 't you worry about the diaper . You will soon get used to them . Every little boy who is staying in my house has to wear diapers during the night , you do understand that don 't you ? " . Aunt Laura went to the door and turned around as she turned off the light . She said " Now sleep tight you two dear boys . I will be back in a few minutes to pick up the empty bottles and I don 't want to hear any noise or talking from you two . And don 't you dare to get out of your beds . Is that clear ? " Wow , this was really a new experience for me . For the first time I can remember I was now wearing diapers and I could 't go to the bathroom to use the toilet . Because if I did I would have to remove first the pajamas and then the diapers and then put it all back on again . I was stuck in this outfit . Well , this last thing did not have to be true . I could at least try to get free . I reached for the zipper in my back of my pajamas but it was impossible to undo it . I was really stuck ! If I had to pee I had to do it in my diaper . And that was what it was there for . I had a very hard time to sleep that night . I felt angry and humiliated I was eleven years old , I was a big boy and should not be treated this way . It took me a long time to calm down . It was a relief when aunt Laura came in to our room the next morning at 8 and woke us up . We had now spend 11 hours in bed . That was much more than I was used to . I had 't been in bed for so long since I was a small child . Aunt Laura freed us from the pajamas and the diapers . Mine was dry and I thought she looked a lite bit disappointed . But I could just have imagined that . We had been shopping all day and when we were leaving the mall we passed a baby store . Aunt Laura told Frank an me to wait outside for just a moment . Two or three minutes later she came she came out carrying two large boxes and one smaller , she carried them like they were very heavy . But when she gave them to us I almost dropped mine . It didn 't way anything almost . She was just joking . I could only guess what was inside . Aunt Laura carried the small one and Frank and I the bigger . I thought that aunt was Laura looking at the smaller box with anticipation . That surprised me but I found out much later why . When we came home it was already time for supper . After that , we talked watched some T . V . and aunt Laura knitted . At 9 pm it was off to bed . I tried to explain to aunt Laura that I was a big boy , 11 years old , and was able to take care of myself and go to the bathroom when I needed . But she did not listen . All she said was that all boys had to wear diaper in bed . And that was all to be said about that , end of discussion . When aunt Laura had left the room that night I sneaked over to Frank , who was terrified to see me there beside his bed . I demanded him to unbutton my pajamas . At first he refused but I was desperate . I didn 't want to spend another night in this outfit . I turned my back to him and told him to unzip me . Just at that moment aunt Laura opened the door and the light was lit . She was there to fetch the empty baby bottles and she saw immediately what was going on . " Get into your bed at once Mike " she shouted . Terrified I jumped as quickly as I could into my bed . " So " she said with a calm voice , " That 's how it is . Well I will stop you from even trying that ! " She left the room and when she came back a minute later she had something in her hand . It turned out to be mittens . Well not exactly mittens , she took my right hand at first , put the mitten on and I felt that on the inside was a separate compartment for each finger , including the thumb . It had a strap sewed on the outside of the mitten witch was fastened to the strap that went around the wrist so my hand made a fist and could 't be opened . She did the same to my other hand and then she did the same to Frank . Our hands were now useless . There was no chance in hell to remove the pajamas , or do anything else for that matter . That night I was so angry I almost cried . Later on that same night I woke up with a desperate need to pee . But I had no choice , I had to let it go into my diaper and I was so ashamed . I was really glad for that . One thing that had been difficult was to hold the baby bottle when my hands were forced to make a fist by the mittens . I dropped it several times . Lucky for me that it was unbreakable . The day past quickly and soon it was time for bed . At exactly 9 pm . we were ordered to go to bed . I didn 't dare to protest so off to bed we went . The next day Frank has this great idea that we should go fishing . Aunt Laura thought that it was a great idea . " you will find some fishing poles i the cellar , just to the left of the stairs . " she said . Frank and I went down there and we found the fishing poles just where Aunt Laura had said . On the way up I happened to see the boxes that Aunt Laura had bought at the baby store . I could see that one of the bigger boxes had been opened , and the smaller too . Not a big deal , but somehow the sight sent a chill down my spine and I had no idea why . Aunt Laura told us that she would pay us some money if we cut the grass on the lawn for her . Then cold by ice cream and other things . So of course we did as soon as we had a chance . That summer Aunt Laura had the best lawn in the neighborhood . The second week of my stay we had a great adventure during the day . We had been all day at the amusement park not far from were we lived . Aunt Laura had taken us to a pizza place and when we came home by 9 , 30 we were directly of to bed Aunt Laura Laura came and diapered and put us into our pajamas . Frank and I was so exited so we could not be quiet . We had had so much fun riding all these wonderful attractions and we were so exited that it was hard for us to sleep . After Aunt Laura had tucked us in for the night we were still to exited to sleep . We just had to talk about what been through so I sneaked over to Franks bed after aunt Laura had fetched the bottles . I was sure that the coast was clear and I was standing on my knees beside Frank 's bed and we were whispering and giggling . Suddenly the door flung open and the light was lit and aunt Laura was in the doorway with an angry look on her face . " When I say good night I expect you to stay in your beds and go to sleep . I do not want to be disobeyed ! Is that clear ? " She yelled . I got into my bed , but not as fast as I could have done and she noticed that . " So that 's how it is , is it ? Well , I have remedy for that . I will make sure that you will not get out of your beds until I say so . " She said and left the room . Frank and I grinned at each other , how would she accomplice that ? we said to each other , ready to do it again soon after she had said good night again . She came to my bed first and attached the chain to the bedpost . The dog collar was put around my neck . To prevent me from undoing the collar by myself she then put the mittens on my hands again . She then did the same to Frank and then she said good night and kissed gently our foreheads and told us with a soft voice to be quiet and left the room . As it happened we were chained to the bedposts for just three more nights . The next night after we were diapered and ready for the night , sucking on our baby bottles , aunt Laura made us promise her that we would never disobey her like that again . But if we did break that promise just once , we would be chained to our bedposts for the rest of my two months stay . However the next week when we again had a special experience . We had visited the afternoon show of a visiting circus . It was so fantastic to see trapezes artists , all the animals and the clowns and all the others . We had been there , all three of us and when we came home it was already past 8 pm . Aunt Laura made us a quick supper and after that it was off to bed . After we had been diapered and so on and tucked to bed , and were supposed to be asleep , we just couldn 't hold back . None of us could sleep so we sneaked over to each other and whispered far into the night . It was just so exiting to tempt fate and get away with it so we did it several more nights . But one night our luck run out . Once again aunt Laura stood in the doorway and this time she already had the leashes in her hand . First she chained me and then Frank the our bedposts . She also put the mittens on our hands . " Well there you see , you have only yourself 's to blame ! You were talking to each other and you were out of your beds despite of my will and your promise to me . I have no choice but to keep you this way for the rest of Mike 's stay . " This meant we were to be chained to our bed posts for five more weeks ! She also said : " If you two still can 't be quiet I will shout you up in my own way . And that will also be for the rest of Mike 's stay . Do you understand ? " It was not so hard , the collars were soft . It was a strange feeling thou , to be leached to the bed post like this . But not being able to use my hands because of the mittens was frustrating . Now we did not even dare to whisper to each other , what if aunt Laura would hear us ? What would she do to us then ? We did not dare to find out . The three next days it was raining and we stayed in the house the first two of them . Watching TV reading some of Franks comic books . and so on . The third day we went to a movie and watched the afternoon show . I think it was some si fi movie . A few nights later we just couldn 't help what happened . Just when Aunt Laura had picked up the now empty baby bottle and said goodnight I made a huge fart . The sound echoed in the room . Frank started to laugh into his pillow and so did I . I made some fake fart sounds and after a minute we could 't stop laughing . It didn 't take long before aunt Laura entered the room . " You boys can 't be quiet can you ? Well I ' l fix that ! " she said . " I have warned you many times before but you still can 't be quite when I tell you to . " After she had said that she left the room . She soon came back with something in her hand . I saw it was looking like pacifiers . That thing that babies used to suck on to make them stop screaming . These were bigger than I remembered them to be and they where bay blue . Aunt Laura came over to me first and put the pacifier in my month . I thought it was ridicules , all I had to was to spit it out as soon as she had left the room . But again I was mistaken . There was a thick plastic band attached to the pacifier over the plastic peace that covered my mouth and under the classic ring that all pacifiers have . She took the plastic bands and moved them to the back of my head and fastened them together there . The pacifier was now locked on me and I could 't spit it out . I could 't use my hands to get it off of me because of the mittens . Aunt Laura then tucked me in . I was now laying on my back with my arms on my sides over the bedsheets . Frank was also given a pacifier and tucked in the same way . I could 't help myself but I thought he looked even more cute now with that thing in his mouth with that ring and all . But then I realized that so did I . All we could do now was to look at each other and suck on our pacifiers . Aunt Laura went to the door and turned around and looked at us . " Oh " , she said to us and put her hands together " you look just sooo adorable , both of you . I just have to get something else for you to wear . I will go and fetch it for you so stay were you are , I won 't be long . " The nipple of the pacifier was very cleverly designed . Well inside the mouth it stopped the tongue from moving around so it could form understandable sounds , like words . But it was not so large that it was uncomfortable . As soon as it was in my mouths it became natural to suck on and to my surprise it felt kind of nice . The protective peace that went over the mouth fitted like it had been molded there . It was also made of a material that dampened sounds , yet it did let some air through so it was possible to breath a little through it . The band that went around the head was designed so it went over the ears to the back of the head and yet it hold the pacifier firmly tight over the mouth . It must have been made by some engineer . A few moments later aunt Laura came back and she had a smile on her face . That worried me a lot . She went to Frank first and from a pocket of her apron she took up a baby blue , ( the same color as the pajamas ) baby bonnet and put it over his head and she tied the ribbons under his chin . It was exactly the same style as the bonnet I have seen so many small babies wear . It was big and covered his hole head from the top of his forehead down to the back of his neck and also covered his ears . With all the white ruffles and laces on it . I had thought that Frank looked so adorable before , but now he really looked super cute and adorable , wearing diapers , baby blue pajamas , mittens , pacifier and a bonnet , and being chained to the bed post . The only thing that wasn 't covered of his entire body was his face around the eyes . I would have laughed my head off if it hadn 't been for the fact that in a few seconds I would look the same ! Then it hit me that the only thing that was missing now was an eye mask . Then our hole bodies would have been totally covered . I shivered at that thought . Aunt Laura came over to me and after a few seconds I was also wearing the same super cute bonnet too . She had made the knots very secure with a big bow knot and there was no chance for us to remove the bonnets ourselves . She kissed both of us lovingly goodnight on our foreheads and tucked us in like before . She went to the door and had a long look at us . She must have been standing there for well over two minutes . Then she gave us a big smile and said " Goodnight both of you lovely boys and don 't let the bedbugs bite " Then she switched of the light and before she closed the door she said with a very low voice " and don 't you make any more noise tonight ! Do you understand ? ? " . She waited a moment for us to answer her . As if we could ! All we could do was to say : " Hmmm " After that night aunt Laura had to wait for us to finish our baby bottles before she put the pacifiers into our mouths . I now took my chance to leave some of the formula in bottle , as aunt Laura put the pacifier in my mouth before she took the bottle . It was not easy to hold the baby bottle when my hands were made into a fist in the mittens . Aunt Laura had seen this so she waited with the strap until we were finished drinking . The following evenings after that Aunt Laura stopped at the door with her hand on the light switch for a minute or two and she just watched us with a content smile on her face . Telling us with a soft voice , " Goodnight you two sweeties . Sleep well and remember to be quiet " , before she switched off the light and closed the door behind her . All that Frank and I could do was to look back at her in our super cute outfits and suck on our pacifiers and say : " Hmmmm " She said that she had given us many warnings that this would happen if we weren 't quiet when she told us to . She also told us that she had many times been standing outside our door , listening to us whispering to each other . And we did that in spite of the promise to be quiet that we had made to her earlier . Now her patience with us had run out . And she said with a soft smile that she really adored how absolutely cute and adorable we looked there in our beds dressed in bonnets and pacifiers . To our horror Frank and I realized that she was right . We had made that promise before and we had broken it , more than once . And we had been warned about the consequences . So we did have ourselves to blame . But before we left the house aunt Laura made this warning to us . " Now boys you have to behave exemplary now or you will again have to wear your bonnets during the nights . Do you understand ? " " Well " she said " if you are late for a meal , if you don 't finish your bottles when you are going to sleep . Oh , and Mike there are many nights that your bottle have been almost half full . Now I am telling you that you have to be a god boy and drink it all . And a lot of small things like that . So if you do not behave to my liking you will have to wear the bonnets again during the nights . And perhaps it won 't stop with just that . " " I am glad to hear that " she said with a smile . " Now I know that you like the pacifier then . That was good to hear . Now I was even more confused and all I could think of to say was " Yes , Aunt Laura . " I could have bitten of my tongue . What a stupid thing to say . Now Aunt Laura was convinced that I liked the pacifier . Shit ! ! I just left the house and joined Frank outside . It was a warm and sunny day but I felt a little chill coming through my body . Frank and I managed to behave perfectly for just a little more than a week . It happened when we were out swimming in the afternoon . We had so much fun in the water that we totally forgot the time . When I got out of the water and looked at my watch I froze when I saw that we were now already half an hour late for dinner . It would take us another 20 minutes to get dressed and run home . Again we saw aunt Laura standing there in the doorway for minutes just looking at us with a content smile on her face . She absolutely loved how cute and adorable we looked . And once again , all Frank and I could do was to look back at her and suck on our pacifiers . Aunt Laura had finally gotten us just were she wanted us . It was only that first time when aunt Laura was angry with us that she used almost violence when she put the pacifier and so on on us . The rest of the times she was so careful and considerate . I thought that she behaved like she was dressing up her favorite doll . Which perhaps was not far from the truth . " No , he said . It has never happened that I had to wear anything more than the diaper and the pajamas . and that is normal not a punishment . " He said . He stopped and took my arm and looked me in my eyes and said . " Don 't you ever think that again . I rather spend every night during your stay in complete outfit . Even with things we have not yet seen , than to spend the summer without you . I really mean that Mike . " he said " Well , it just hit me the other day that the only thing that is left to cover is our eyes and ears . So perhaps she is having something in store for them too . " He said . We did behave and every night we were dressed up in our outfits . Looking so super cute and not being able to say anything else than : " Hmmmm " when she told us to be quiet . Aunt Laura never got board of that joke . Well , all good things must have an end so at last the two months were gone and I had to go back home at to school . I had had a really great time , despite the fact that I had to be diapered and so on during the nights . Frank and I had done more things than I had hoped for . We had been at the amusement park , at the circus and many other interesting and exiting places . At the train station I asked if I could come back again next year . Aunt Laura gave me a big hug and she said " Of course you are my darling Mike , you are always welcome here . And I am so looking forward to pick up were we ended " Ten months later I was again picked up at the train station by aunt Laura and Frank . I was going to stay there for two months this year too . Two months meant in this case 9 weeks . And I was so exited and looking forward to be swimming in the lake and so on . This will be the best summer ever ! ! I said to aunt Laura as I got a big welcome hug form her , right there on the station . " Just don 't misbehave and make me angry with you or I will be forced to to dress you up in that cute outfit again . And this year I have some more surprises for you . " She said with a sweet tone in her voice . " Thank you Mike , and for your sake I hope you do " she said and got up and went to the door where she turned around and said " Now I want you boys to promise me that you this year will behave . That means no talking or not leaving your bed during the nights . Can you promise me that ? " " I am so glad to hear that promise . If you would break it I will put both of you in full outfit from that day and till Mike returns home again . Do you understand ? " She said . It happened about one hour after we had gone to sleep . All was quiet in the house when suddenly there was a huge crash coming from the window between our beds . It was the blind that had fallen down and hit a flowerpot which fell over and hit a lamp which in its turn had fallen to the floor and broken into 1000 peaces . Both Frank and I were at once out of our beds , harts beating and trying to figure out was had caused the commotion . We tried to explain to her what had happened and that we were asleep when it happened and it was not our fault . But she said that she had her own two eyes in her head to see with and of course it was our fault . She didn 't believe a word of our story . In the morning when aunt Laura came into our room for the morning routine we tried again to explain to her what really had happened . But she just told us to shut up and be quiet . She did not want to hear another word from us . At breakfast the morning after none of us said a word . When we were finished eating she send us upstairs to clean up the mess . When we did that we also removed all the evidence that it wasn 't our fault . So now we couldn 't show aunt Laura that it was an accident . " Yes " he said " that blind had almost fallen down before but then I was there to catch it . It must have been the wind that made it finally fall down by it self . It was blowing a lot last night and the window was opened . " He explained . " It would be a miracle if we don 't have to . And I 'm afraid that it will be so until you leave for home in more than seven weeks , Mike . " He said . At supper we did our best to explain to aunt Laura what had happened . But she refused to even begin to believe us . Slowly we began to realize that the more we argued with her the worse the situation became for us . It was like we were digging a hole for ourselves to be buried in . The more we argued , the bigger the hole . At first we were lying on our beds getting diapered , put into out pajamas as always and drinking from our baby bottles . As we had feared the mittens were again sewn back on the pajamas . That was not a good sign . Very calmly and smiling to herself aunt Laura then proceeded with putting the leaches on us . Making sure that we would not leave our beds again before morning . It was not same leach as last year . The collar was now made of baby blue cotton and looked more like a scarf and it it was wide . Then she made a break and said " As you know boys , this room has no blind any more so I guess that it will be a little hard for you to sleep with all that light coming into the room from the streetlights and the cars . Don 't you agree boys ? " As Frank and I already were sucking on our pacifiers all we could say was : " Hmmm " . Not being able to say yes or no . But we could do was to nod or shake our heads . But if it was a nod the answer would be : yes , there is too much light from the street and it makes it hard too sleep . After a few seconds later aunt Laura came back and i we could see that she had two blindfolds in her hand . She said to us " Here I have the very thing that will help you . Don 't you think that these will help you sleep ? " The blindfold even covered the nose , leaving only the nostrils . It was so large that it filled the hole aria between the pacifier and up over the forehead . Then she put the bonnet on him and tied it securely under his chin with a large bow knot . There was no gap between the bonnet and the blindfold . His hole head was now almost completely covered . And so was the rest of his body . It was just a small patch at the top of his chin that still was a little exposed . I could still not help it but I just had to smile when I saw him laying there . I thought that he now looked even more super cute and adorable than ever before . This time it didn 't accrue to me that in a few seconds I would be looking so very super cute and adorable as well . Aunt Laura now came over to my bed to prepare me too . I could see that she was smiling a content smile before all went completely dark when she put the blindfold on me . Then I felt how she put the bonnet on my head and made some very secure bow knots . I could hear aunt Laura roaming around in the room for a while . I think that she was admiring up close how cute and adorable we looked before she went to the door . Suddenly she said with a soft tone i her voice " I am sure that these blindfolds will help you sleep well until the blind is up again . Don 't you think so too boys ? " She remained there in the doorway , as she used to , for a minute or so before she said " Goodnight boys . And be quiet now and don 't you make any noise , do you hear ? . " She said before she switched off the light and left the room . This time we didn 't bother to say " Hmmmm . " What did surprise me was that I slept very good that night . When I woke up and saw that it was all dark I almost panicked but then I remembered the blindfold . I could hear some sucking sound from Frank and I understood that he too was awake . All we could do now was to lay there in our beds and wait for aunt Laura to come in and free us . She came in just a few minutes later . I had been sleeping longer this night than I had for a long time . So when aunt Laura asked us how if we had slept well , I told her that I had slept very long and very good . The man who repaired the blind came three weeks later . Frank and I were so happy . This meant that we didn 't have to wear the blindfolds during the night any more . We were almost correct . That evening when aunt Laura tucked us in for night she didn 't use the blindfolds . Frank and I were so relieved . It was so good to be able to see during the night again . The blindfold was much worse than the bonnet . And that means a lot . When she at last was standing there in the doorway ready to switch off the light she had that thoughtful look on her face again . Finally she said : " Well boys , I have been thinking about those blindfolds . And how well you said you were sleeping wearing them . So I want to ask you : do you like them , do you want to have them back or are you content as you are now and can you sleep well without them ? " There were so many questions at the same time that could be answered yes or no . Frank and I could only nod or shake our heads and say : " Hmmm . " So we did all that at the same time . Aunt Laura looked at us searching for what answer we were giving her . Suddenly she gave us a big smile and put her hands together and said " Oh , I was so hoping for that answer . I will gladly put the blindfolds back on you again . I was so sure that you would see it my way . And I 'm happy to tell you that you will wear the hole outfit every night until Mike goes home again . That must be , if I am not mistaken in four weeks I believe ? I have to look it up my calender . Don 't you like it too ? " Frank and I looked at each other , and back at aunt Laura , we nodded without any enthusiasm and said : " Hmmm " . We had given up . We knew that we were beaten and that her mind was made up . Aunt Laura gave us a big happy smile in return and said " I am so happy that you agree . " She had us now were she wanted us . Happy as a lark she started with Frank . She removed his bonnet and before she put the blindfold on she first adjusted his scarf / collar . She put the blindfold on him and then put the bonnet back on again . It had to be done in the right order . Then she came to my bed and did the same to me . Sometimes during a number of nights I woke up with a feeling that Frank and I were not alone in the room . It was very strange . I didn 't hear anything and of course I couldn 't see anything either But I suspected that the light was on and that aunt Laura was in the room admiring how absolutely cute and adorable we looked , especially when we where asleep . The blindfold didn 't let any light through so aunt Laura could very well be in the room with the light on , without us knowing about it . The sucking noise from our pacifiers was heard if we woke up . It was a natural automatic reaction to suck at that moment . All that she had to do then was to be very quiet until we had fallen asleep again . At one of these occasions I rolled over to lay on my side . As I did that I also " by accident " swept down the sheets from the bed . pretending I was sleeping . After a few minutes I felt how the sheets were lifted up and gently were put over me again . So I sneaked over to him and now I could see for myself how pretty and cute everything came together . The ruffles and laces on the bonnet and on the blindfold were designed so they shaped like a smiling cute baby face . The blindfolds had like eyes on it shaped by the laces . It was so neatly done that the hole impression was that the one inside looked so incredible cute and beautiful . It was a master peace , almost magical . I could hardly take my eyes from Frank . I heard " Hmmm " from him and he lifted up his arms . I just gasped at the sight I now saw . Frank was laying there all covered in his bay blue outfit totally helpless and looking so cute and adorable . Then he rolled over on his side and pulled his knees up . Now I have no words to describe him . It was amazing . I felt so confused , did i hate it or did I love it ? I honestly couldn 't tell . I guess I sometimes loved and some times hated it . Very confusing to say the least . She said " I 'm sorry about that sweetie . Now were where we ? " She looked around and said " Oh , yes it was your turn now , right Mike ? " She came over to me and dressed me up for the night and tucked me in . I didn 't hear the light switch nor the door close . I suspect that she was in the room for more than an hour , just looking at us . Thrilled that she could see us laying there , in our oh , so super cute outfits and not being able to see her . " I 'm not sure how to put it in words but you did look so cute and sweet it was just awesome . I tough that you would look grotesque but not at all . I think that with all that covering your head it was almost like you had a …… ghost face . " I said " No , that was not what I meant at all . I 'm just trying to find words to describe how you looked . Do you remember that TV - show the other day . You know when they were painting those cars with ghost flames ? " I asked . " Yes I remember , it was when they painted flames on the hood of a car using almost the same color as on the hood . It looked fantastic . Is that what you mean by a ghost face ? " he asked . We walked for a while saying nothing . When Frank said " I think I have a new fishing spot we can try . See if we can catch some more there . " The rest of my stay Frank and I actually managed to stay out of any more trouble . Witch was a relief . We didn 't have to find out any more of aunt Laura 's surprises . Perhaps we will the next time . Anyhow , Frank and I had had great 9 weeks this year too . We were of course swimming or fishing in the lake . When it was raining we watched a show somewhere . Or we just stayed at home playing some game or something . We visited the amusement park , the aquarium , and many other exiting places . Aunt Laura was as usual as good as gold . She bought us ice creme , hamburgers and other things that a young boy loves . After my two months stay we were again at the train station saying our goodbyes and so on . When I asked aunt Laura if I could come back again next year , she assured me that I was more than welcome back . And that we from the first day could pick up were we ended this year . Frank and I never lost contact with each other . He told me that after his 18 : th birthday he did not have to wear diapers any more . And of course he did not have wear pajamas any more either . Aunt After his graduation he moved into his own apartment and started his own life without aunt Laura . I must say , looking back at those two summers at aunt Laura , that she was a remarkable woman . I am proud to have known her . I loved her very much . The summers that I spent ther are the once with the fondest memories . She was a great cook and she was teatching in a cooking class in the nearby schoool . I can 't imagine a better cooking class teacher . That is why she didn 't have to go to work when I was there . The first memory that springs to me is that night when she went down to the kitchen to answer the phone . During the years I have thought alot of what happned in those few minutes . I remember every detail as if it was five minuted ago . When I was standing there , looking at Frank who was already in his outfit , I understood at that moment what aunt Laura actually was doing . I was then 12 years old and puberty was waiting right around the corner . I somehow knew , but I didn 't understand what was going on . Aunt Laura knew exactly what she was doing . She had two young boys dressed up like living dolls totally under her control . And knowing that it was a living breathing young boy in that outfit must have been so incredible . Not just for one night but for seven weeks ! Aunt Laura had tricked us in such a way that we thought that it was our own fault . It must have felt like a victory and exiting for her . She had us in her power , and I loved to be in her power . That was so confusing . Did I hate to be in that outfit or did I love it ? At that time I didn 't know , I thought I hated it , but today I can say that after that night I actually loved it . |
At tennis , I made some good shots , but I also missed a lot and even whiffed a few . It was a friendly round robin , and at least I was able to joke that I pitied the person who ended up with me first . Everyone was good - humored about my mistakes , but still , I did ask myself , in a not very helpful way , " How am I going to continue being 3 . 5 if I play like this ? " From there I walked over to Mass General and caught the shuttle that goes to Brigham and Women 's , and then went to Dana - Farber ( basically across the street and around the corner ) for my 9 : 30 blood draw . I had a 10 : 30 appointment with Dr . Alyea , who pronounced my counts good ( except for platelets , low but not worrisome ) ; due to blood work a couple of weeks ago , I knew I was fine , but it was great to hear it from him . He told me I could go two months until my next appointment , a little more loosening of the leash . Next I ran back to Brigham and Women 's for a quick lunch at Au Bon Pain with Margaret , who was in the area , and then returned to Dana - Farber for a 2 p . m . appointment with Dr . Goguen , aka the tongue doctor . As I waited for her , I leaned my head back against the wall and fell asleep . When she came in , she said , " Sorry to wake you . " Well , she was just doing her job . She said my mouth looked good . On the way up , I had seen them preparing for a dessert reception in the lobby for staff and patients . I wasn 't going to miss that . I got on a humongous line that snaked around to tables laden with amazing - looking layer cakes , cookies and a token amount of fruit . The servers were piling one piece of cake on top of another on everyone 's plates . I got two pieces of cake and one piece of pie , plus coffee , with thoughts ranging from , " You deserve this " to " This is a little bit much . " What can I say ? The carrot cake , rich chocolate layer cake and mixed - berry pie were delicious . I walked back to Brigham and Women 's and my last appointment of the day on a sugar high , feeling like my head might disengage from my body and float away . Today I drove back downtown to see my dermatologist , Dr . Lin , who zapped off ( with a freezing technique ) the spots on my face that could turn cancerous as two others have done . She repeated that this keeps happening because , due to continued use of prednisone , my immune system is not operating at full capacity . She prescribed a new cream and said that if that didn 't work , she would like to burn the skin off my face in two months . Last night we gathered at Diane and David 's and gave a Champagne toast to the newly engaged couple . It was actually an early Hanukkah party , so we lit candles , exchanged presents , and toasted everyone . Diane set a beautiful table , and D & D , as people call them , served a terrific meal . Wednesday didn 't start so well . I stumbled out of bed and made coffee and a piece of ( overdone ) toast , which I ate in the car . I cut my lip on the toast and only realized it when I felt blood dripping down my face . I managed to stop the bleeding with a tissue and got to my assigned school in Springfield in one piece . We were assigned our groups , and I got six fourth - graders . There was basically time for introductions and giving them a test which they did in class to assess their level . On the way home , I had to pull into the parking lot of the CVS in Holyoke and take a nap . When I got home , Joe was having car trouble and needed a ride to the West Springfield repair shop where his car was towed . After he got his rental , I fell asleep again in my car . In school we began work on a unit in capitalization . I passed out booklets and walked around helping them . When the bell rang at 8 : 30 , the kids threw their stuff down on the table and ran to breakfast . One little girl stayed to help me , gathering everything up and offering to carry the bin downstairs for me . I am already falling in love . Next week I will stop a little earlier and tell them they can 't leave until they clean up . On the way home , once again I couldn 't get any further than CVS . After my 15 - minute catnap , I got home , threw down my jacket , took my shoes off and crawled into bed , setting the alarm for 11 a . m . Every time it went off , I set it for another half an hour . I set it for 12 : 30 , but it never went off , because I saw later that I had set it for a . m . Who knows how long I would have slept if Ben hadn 't called at 1 ? Despite the fatigue , I have to say that Wednesday night at the Iron Horse was worth it . I saw friends from work and heard a great opening set by Scott Kempner and then the show by Elliott Murphy and the Normandy All Stars . It was great rock n ' roll with folk undertones , and everyone was clapping and at some points singing along . I was already preparing for the opposite and getting bummed out . Goes to show you the waste of time in predicting your lab results . I was pleasantly surprised because it was not what I expected . I had an umbrella in one hand and the leash in the other , and although I thought about making a second loop around the lake , my arm with the umbrella was starting to hurt me . If I had just been running in the rain , it would have been easier because I would have hit a stride , sans umbrella and leash . ( Sorry , Maddie . ) I am at that point in a period of limited exercise when I am feeling antsy . The hernia operation was a week ago Monday ; I 'm not supposed to do much but walk until I see the doctor again on Dec . 19 . I 've found myself taking little jogging steps across the kitchen and around the house . I jogged to the car and was about to take off in the supermarket when I thought better of it . When walking the dog , I jogged a few steps along the path . This sounded like a great idea to me . It doesn 't work that well for leukemia , because when you are finished with a round of chemotherapy , you are so depleted that going shopping is the last thing you want to do . I did , however , get a lot of nice gifts when I was in the hospital . And I try to schedule in something fun in connection with my frequent trips to Boston , and sometimes , when I started feeling better , that something fun often involves going shopping . I thought of my friend 's words yesterday when I went to a " brunch and buy " where the theme was hand - made holiday gifts . Everything was beautiful . I thought I would be able to make it out the door cheaply by buying a just a desk calendar with a photograph a month , but then something called me back . It was a collection of silver watches on bracelets made of beads and big , colorful stones . I tried on one in " my " color , blue . I joked with Bev , the tennis friend who makes the jewelry under the name Big Mouth Beads , that perhaps I owed myself a hernia repair present . Like the eye surgery that had turned out to be more than I expected , the hernia fix has involved more in the way of continuing pain than I had thought it would . I hadn 't taken any oxycodone before driving to Longmeadow for the " brunch and buy , " because you aren 't supposed to drive under the influence . By the time I left , the site was really hurting , so I was definitely in the mood for something to pick me up . The weather has been nice , so despite pain at the site of my hernia repair ( pretty much dulled by oxycodone ) , I 've been walking a lot . Yesterday I had coffee with a friend who lives in Newton , and last night Diane and I went to an interesting presentation hosted by a Meetup group called Chicks Who Write . Meetup groups are gatherings around the country involving people who want to network on a range of topics . The area is quite painful , so I am back on oxycodone every four hours . I 'll probably stay at Diane and David 's in Newton through Friday so that Katie can drive me home after class . Then she 'll take the bus back to school . Tomorrow I have an appointment with the doctor who did the repair under my eye . They want you to walk , so yesterday and today I took Diane 's arm and went for a walk . It 's so balmy here , it was nice to be outside . My legs are a little wobbly , but only mishap was when a fire alarm box jumped out from its spot on a building and hit me on the head as I turned to look at a book Diane had just bought . After a quick examination showed that I was OK , we switched sides so that I 'd be away from the buildings . Back at the house , I had received an e - mail saying the year - end tennis ratings are out . I 'd been predicting that as soon as I returned to team tennis , my rating would drop from 3 . 5 to 3 . 0 . ( How 's that for confidence ? ) But since I 've won one and lost one , I knew I 'd probably stay . I felt terrible the first mile . I 'm still not totally over my cold . I was having trouble breathing through my nose and had to keep reaching for a tissue . I 'm sure that made me run even slower than I usually do . Actually , I thought that I had gotten faster , and I probably have , but not yesterday . After a couple of miles , a gap opened up between me and a large part of the pack . I know I wasn 't last , because I heard people talking behind me , but I didn 't have anyone to follow . The course around the Ashley Reservoir isn 't a circle ; you have to make some turns , and normally I don 't pay attention because I 'm with everyone . I missed a right turn through the woods and ran straight ahead to one of the reservoir 's gates . After a few minutes I knew nothing looked familiar , but I just couldn 't figure out where I was . I was living my runner 's nightmare , that I am in a race and have lost the crowd and don 't know how to reconnect . I did figure out that I needed to reverse and turn back through the woods , which I did . I got back in with the pack and breathed a sigh of relief , but then I was feeling just so discombobulated that I think I made another mistake . I passed four miles , feeling OK , and then came to an intersection where there were runners coming in from the left . Someone told me to turn right , so I did . Actually , I think I should have been coming along with those runners , so I must have made another wrong turn and skipped part of a mile , because I never saw the marker for 5 miles . I just kept trotting along . And then a saw a welcome sight . It was Len Brouillette , the track coach at South Hadley High School and a friend who walks his dog at the lake . Len had finished , and , having heard that I was running , backtracked to find me and run me in . He said , first of all , that I looked good . Second , when I told him what I had done , he said , " People get lost all the time in races . " That made me feel better . He ran with me to the turnoff for the chute , and I crossed the finish line in about 1 : 11 . I used to run it in under an hour , but that , of course , was then . I had started with Ben and Meghan , and they were at the finish line waiting for me , along with Katie . I told them what had happened , and then I kept trying to figure it out . What with not feeling that well to begin with and feeling confused , I didn 't have that exhilaration I had when I ran this race in 2005 , my first after my initial diagnosis and treatment two years earlier . The kids reminded me to keep it in perspective . Two and a half years ago , I couldn 't even walk . So what if I got lost ? So what if I was slow ? It was still a big accomplishment . And Ben said he hated to point this out , but I am a little older now . The scheduler at my doctor 's office told me I could get there early for my 12 : 30 appointment in hopes of beating the Thanksgiving traffic and that they would try to squeeze me in . Uncharacteristically , I did get there early , around 11 : 30 . The person at pre - op , however , wouldn 't even let me sign in . She said that due to an emergency , they were about an hour and a half behind . And they were . It was pretty incredible . They remembered my room ( 12 ) and much about me . This was almost three years ago . I guess when you 're there for 3 1 / 2 months and you nearly die , you make an impression . We talked for quite a while . One of my favorite nurses told me , " You just made my year . " It 's great to make someone 's year . Then I went to Au Bon Pain to get lunch . I had just started on a cup of soup when I got a call from the anesthesiologist saying they were ready . I was a little surprised , because it was 15 minutes before my time . " Put a cover on your soup and come right over , " he said , sounding annoyed . I told him how active I am and how surprised I was . He told me to go discuss it with my internist , which I am not going to do . I plan to run it by Melissa , my nurse practitioner , sometime next week . Since it never came up , I am not concerned , just curious . Everyone came for Thanksgiving , and the feast went off without a hitch . There 's always something , so I was a little surprised when preparations were going so well . I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop , but it never did . I took out my mother 's nice silver and special plates . Katie set a beautiful table . We lit the candles . Just as we were raising our glasses in thanks , Diane called . The machine picked up . " Happy Thanksgiving , " Diane said . So she became part of the toast too . My parents would have smiled . I planned to be in the final steps of getting ready for Saturday 's Talking Turkey , but due to my cold and a bad cough , I haven 't run all week . I did continue to walk the dog and even jogged a few steps to make sure my feet still lifted up , but it didn 't quite make the cut . I hope I can still run the race . This time five years ago marked the final days of my mother 's life , a good long one with a very brief period of illness . Today I heard a story of someone who died young in an accident , and it kind of put my loss in perspective . But still , as everyone knows who lost one , it is your mother . She has been coming to me in my dreams . The other night I dreamt that she and my aunt were lying on a bed intertwined like snakes . That 's how close they were in life . My mother was dying , and as the two revolved around each other , my mother 's head became visible . She looked just like she did the last time I saw her . " You 're so beautiful , " I said . A few nights later , I dreamt that I was back in our apartment in New York . My parents , both very frail , were in the kitchen . My mother was bandaging my father 's arms just as she did during the end of his life when his skin , so thin , developed patches that bled . They couldn 't go outside , and I needed to go and get them some things . First I went out to the park for a run . And suddenly I couldn 't see where I was going . It was snowing and then raining , with little visibility . I lost my way on the path and went into a dead - end snow tunnel . I realized what I had to do , got out , turned left and found the path . Ah , the proverbial dark wood . I was running in all the wrong clothes , dress boots and a long skirt . But I finished the loop and ended at the park exit that I usually took when I went back home . I had made it . Yesterday , I called my cousin Joanne in New York , who is a big help and support in many ways . My mother often visits her as I feel my mother visits me , and sometimes Joanne calls to tell me about it . Joanne said she loved the symbolism of my dream run . Despite all the odds , I had found my way , just as I have done in life . Joe is already here , and the other kids are coming tomorrow . Today I bought beautiful flowers for the house , not just the usual assorted mums for the Thanksgiving table but also a special bouquet of small yellow roses that I put on the kitchen table . Buy something to brighten things up , I heard my mother say . I find it kind of embarrassing to say I have a hernia . Maybe because it 's an odd word that sounds a little like hemorrhoid . Who knows , I might be the only person to think this . In any case , that 's what I have . ( A hernia , not hemorrhoids . ) I am having it fixed the Monday after Thanksgiving at Brigham and Women 's Hospital in Boston . It 's a day surgery to be followed by some pain and no running , tennis or yoga for at least a month . I should be able to walk the dog . Maddie will be happy . It was probably not only because of the extra mile but also because my route included some hills , as opposed to my usual one - mile flat loop around Mount Holyoke 's upper lake . With its soft surface and trees , it 's a comfortable , sheltered place to run . Since the storm , it 's been fun to walk the dog around that obstacle course of fallen trees and branches , but running there is out of the question for now . I 've been going around the smaller lower lake ( about 3 / 4 ) of a mile , but it 's not as woodsy . Monday 's route was out on the roads . I had been doing part of it , but not the whole five miles , stopping at the bottom of the hill that leads to McCray 's Farm . But I felt pretty good and decided to go for it . I reached the top of the hill OK and felt it was an accomplishment , literally and figuratively . Going down the hill was a breeze , but as I ran over more ups and downs , I felt the accumulated effort . On the last part , I didn 't want to be there anymore . It was a bit like during childbirth when you change your mind . There 's nowhere to go but to the finish . Five miles probably doesn 't seem like much to those who run long distances , but it 's far enough if you 're coming back from being way down . As I approached our local deli , Tailgate Picnic , I had a thought : I could just stop there , get some peanut m & ms , and enjoy a leisurely quarter - mile walk back home . For some reason , when I get in a bind , chocolate often comes to mind . For example , when I was covering a boring lecture , or if I am at an over - long show or stuck in a dead - end conversation , I start to imagine the moment when I can have some chocolate . I bypassed temptation and finished the run . Wow , I thought , I just did one of my old five - milers . I was glad that I had done it . I went inside , stretched , drank some water and ate some lunch . Then I drove back to the deli to get my reward . I took it today after a break of several months . You dissolve five pills in water , drink it on an empty stomach , and wait 30 minutes to eat . Normally if you take a bitter pill , you can pop something in your mouth to take the taste away . But with Exjade , you are left feeling like you are going to vomit while knowing you won 't get the relief of doing so . You can just mutter to yourself , distract yourself , clean the kitchen , tap your foot , complain to anyone who is around , whatever , until your time is up . A normal ferritin range for women is 12 - 150 nanograms per milliter . After I finished getting transfusions , my level was about 10 , 000 . Due to blood draws before check - ups and a period of Exjade use , my level is down to about 7 , 000 . Quite a ways to go . When Melissa told me at my check - up last Monday that it was time to restart , I took the bottle out of the cabinet and placed it on my counter . It took days for me to actually see it , meaning I had selective vision that made me forget until after I had already eaten . Then the day passed , and before I knew it , I had procrastinated yet another day . My check - up was uneventful . Numbers were good , about the same as last time , except for a drop in my platelets from the 83 to 68 . Melissa said she was not concerned . My liver function numbers are better , so I can try dropping the prednisone to 5 mg . a day . Dr . Dana , the specialist at Mass . Eye and Ear , said that my dry eyes may or may not signal the onset of Graft vs . Host of the eye . I was reminded of the time when I wondered if my work at the newspaper was giving me carpal tunnel syndrome . A doctor told me that my symptoms might get worse or they might get better . In other words , who knows ? Dr . Dana said to use Restasis , eye drops that have varying amounts of success in helping dry eyes and hopefully staving off GVHD . Back home , eye doctor # 1 had prescribed restasis , but then eye doctor # 2 said he didn 't like the drug and not to use it . Since doctor # 3 is the expert , I 'm going to give it a try . As PJ , who now lives in New York , wrote on her blog , she went to Dana - Farber Tuesday for a second opinion . Since I happened to be in town , we met for lunch and , as she said , compared war stories . We had to laugh that while some people meet up at their favorite bar , restaurant or coffee shop , we got together at our favorite cancer center . That afternoon I saw the exhibit Degas and the Nude , which shows a different side of the painter from the one many people know through his sculptures of dancers . Most often at museums I don 't use the audio guide , but I got one this time and was glad I did . I learned a lot , and instead of having to read the explanations on the wall , I was free to just enjoy and appreciate . On Wednesday , Dr . Iwamoto , the plastic surgeon , removed the wad of cotton that she had stitched over my graft . I was glad to see it go ; it was small , but it had begun to feel like a bowling ball under my eye . She said the graft should take six to eight weeks to be absorbed into the skin . Right now it does not look pretty . She also said to be careful not to rub it , because it could fall off . This morning as I woke up and stretched , I caught myself rubbing my eyes . Having that thing fall off would not be too much fun . I better be careful . " Enjoying " might be too strong . After the surgery under my eye on Wednesday I am not allowed to exercise for a week , and so I am a little out of sorts . Still , I am glad to be home . I have five appointments , and although I couldn 't have gotten all of them into one day , I was hoping for two . No such luck . Oh well , I could be " stuck " in a worse place than Boston . Maybe in my free time I 'll go to the Museum of Fine Arts or walk ( with a tiny bit of jogging ) along the Charles River . And of course I can always go read at a Starbucks . On Tuesday I have an appointment at Mass . Eye and Ear to see a specialist in graft vs . host of the eye . Dr . Alyea is sending me to him because he thinks some of my eye problems might involve GVHD . I have heard that this doctor is a big big shot who has absolutely no bedside manner . I am a little worried that he 's going to yell at me . ( I didn 't do it ! It 's not my fault ! ) After he had numbed up the area around my eye and removed the tissue , I waited about 45 minutes so he could see if he had gotten all of it . Most people sit in the waiting room , but since I needed to have my head back , I waited in the chair . That really wasn 't so bad . I just took a nap . When he came back in , he said some was still left , so he repeated the process again . After the second round , he said that he had gotten it all . One of the nurses told me it can take up to five passes , so I guess I did pretty well . She also put a stent in to open up my tear duct , which the surgeon had apparently needed to slice . She finished by sewing a piece of cotton called a ballast over the graft and onto my skin . I go back next week to have the ballast removed . As the snow fell and winds gusted Saturday , the trees practically groaned under the weight of accumulation on all the leaves that had not fallen . There were crashes and loud thumps . The microwave light went on and off , on and off . I peered out at all the trees surrounding the house and thought this might be the end of me . Then came the thunder and lightening . I looked it up and learned this is a rare occurrence called thunder snow . It sounds kind of poetic on paper , but in reality it is just plain weird . The lights went out after I had gotten into bed with a book Saturday . The power has still not come back , which means no heat , no nothing . The house escaped damage , but there is a chunk out of the front of the garage roof and a hole in it from where a tree fell through . The drive was taking longer than usual and was making me antsy . The occasion seemed to call for car food , i . e . junk food . We stopped at a rest area , where Joe got a Snicker 's bar ( and kindly gave me a bite ) and I got a " sharing size " bag of peanut M & Ms . During the rest of the ride , I popped one after another into my mouth until almost all were gone . It is more like normal fall here in the eastern part of Massachusetts . Yesterday actually felt kind of warm . As soon as Joe dropped me off , I headed out for a run . It was Halloween , and it felt like the peanut M & Ms had given me super powers . I ran for about an hour . Near the end , when I had picked up speed , I got a touch of that old feeling , the runner 's high . It has stayed with me , a reminder of why I want to run . I walked down and sat behind him and took a few photos on my phone to send Ben and Katie . Did I wonder if I looked a little odd ? Yes . Did I care ? No . When we first heard Joe , I looked at Jim and asked , " That 's him ? " Of course I knew it was , but it was announcer Joe , not everyday Joe . He sounded , and was , 100 percent professional . But for me , the main attraction was my son . I was , as they say in Yiddish , kvelling . Definition : To beam with pride and pleasure , most often about the accomplishments of your children . On Tuesday , I just didn 't have it . I felt sluggish as soon as I started out on my four - miler . It was a beautiful day , perhaps a little too windy but sunny and crisp yet not too cold . I plodded ahead , super pokey . After a few minutes I took my sweatshirt off and tied it around my waist , and then at least I felt lighter . Anyway , I did perk up the further I ran and even managed to do a few quick intervals . But I wasn 't really into it . My head was practically swiveling around on the Mount Holyoke campus looking for people I might know , so I could stop and talk to them . I thought I saw a professor friend up ahead and jogged to catch up , thinking we 'd chat for a few seconds . But it turned out to be someone else . Then , as I passed the library , where the Rao 's coffee shop is , I even thought of poking my head in to see if anyone I knew was there . Our ride took us past Walden Pond , where Henry David Thoreau lived for two years . The day was mostly cloudy , but just as we approached the pond , the sun came out and cast its light on the water . It was magical , and we decided to walk our bikes down and stand on the shore . The photos are of us at the pond . I didn 't literally fall during today 's tennis match , but my partner , Donna , and I fell to a team in Pittsfield , about a 45 - minute drive from us . They have strong teams out there in the Berkshires , and this one proved no exception . We had some long points , but we just didn 't play our shots . It wasn 't one of those matches where you walk off happy because you played well . It was just frustrating , because they spun the ball a lot so it died on your racquet and they also managed to place it much better than we did . We were both soaked when we got home . I told her to shake before we went in , and she did , but still , there were wet paw prints all over the kitchen floor . As for me , my sneakers squished , and water dripped off my Red Sox hat , which , by the way , is in bad shape just like the team itself . I had an umbrella , but still , my glasses could have used a set of windshield wipers . I needed a change of clothes . But then I looked out at the garden and thought : Time for a rescue mission . It was probably the last chance for the flowers , perennials and annuals , which were being beaten down by the rain . So I squished on outside , clipper in hand , and started picking the survivors . Some were visible , while others were hidden behind drooping leaves . Back home , yesterday was my day to increase my mileage to four miles . As I set out , I wondered if the occasion warranted skipping my little drill of running quickly every so often up to whatever point I picked out , say , a bench or a tree with an interesting shape . I know that pushing yourself like this gets you used to a quicker pace overall . Ugh . It 's not fun , but it does pay off . He took one look and said that yes , I had dry eyes , but I also had a relatively common irritation called blepharitis . He prescribed an antibiotic ointment and said I could also dissolve baby shampoo in water and wipe my eyes with a cotton ball . On the way out , I filled out the paperwork for my files to be transferred from the optometrist 's office . Last year I had similar flaking on a spot on my forehead , and it turned out to be a squamous cell cancer in situ , meaning on the skin . ( I never knew that flaking was a sign of skin cancer . This was not your normal kind of dry skin flaking , but bigger pieces of skin . ) It was just on the skin like the other one , and it would be under local anesthesia , so I didn 't expect it to be a big deal . But Joe was concerned that I might need some help , so he took the day off and drove me . When we got there , the doctor took a brief look and said I would need so see a different doctor who would perform Mohs surgery , a procedure in which one thin layer is removed at a time and examined to see if the margins are clear until it is certain that there are no signs of cancer . Turns out that she does a lot of cosmetic surgery , so I got another bright idea . Maybe this was the chance to have the eyelid lift I 've wanted for a long time . That way Joe wouldn 't have taken the day off for nothing . I have set 3 1 / 2 miles as my run , with some speeding up in order to get out of the totally pokey pace and into just plain pokey . I figured it wasn 't going to kill me to speed up , and if it did actually leave me breathless , I could always stop . But I think totally pokey has become a comfortable habit rather than a necessary place to be . There weren 't a lot of people out yet . A young woman walking two little dogs stopped and asked if I was OK . I said I thought I was but I needed a second . As we talked , I lay down on my back and extended one leg at a time to see if they worked . The trees looked nice from that angle . I was about to get up when two more women came along . One said she had been wondering why someone was lying in the path with legs up . But then she realized the person was OK , and her friend confirmed that by guessing the person ( me ) was doing yoga stretches . The sun on my legs , and then the breeze against them , felt so great . I immediately flashed back to being in a hospital room with that artificial air , and I thought , this is so much better . My mind had automatically drawn the contrast so that I appreciated the current moment more . One was a funny moment when George told everyone it was time to get down on the clay and do push - ups . He did it , and some of us , including me , followed . I can only do " girl push - ups " ( hence no chaturanga for me in yoga ) , and not that many , but I did my best . Then there is the matter of picking up the balls that are all over the place during a clinic . I actually always liked picking up balls . I put the hopper in one hand and then the other for a kind of weight - lifting practice . When there is a group of balls , I squat down and throw them in . Down , up . Down up . I like the focus of it all . Someone had said that actor Jack Black was in the audience . During intermission , Katie , Joe and I were standing in the back when Katie looked up and said , " There he is . " He was standing practically in front of us . Krause took over in 2004 , having replaced the older male rabbi we grew up with . She is incredibly vibrant , and she is a real charmer person - to - person . I learned later , when reading about her , that WNET , New York 's public television station , called her one of " New York 's hippest rabbis " and nicknamed her the Jewish Katie Couric . And with Jen suggesting it , suddenly I wanted to return . The four - hour - plus service had never gone by so quickly . But that didn 't mean I actually wanted to go on stage . She told Katie that at age 12 she was automatically a bat mitzvah . I didn 't know this , but I couldn 't argue with the rabbi . Not speaking Hebrew was a problem , though . Once , in high school at Friends Seminary , I had to speak in front of the whole Quaker meeting ( the school was run by Quakers but had a mixed student body ) . At least I was on the same level instead of on a stage , but that didn 't stop me from freezing . I only made it through because my friend Margie Kaplan was nearby and whispered the beginning of my speech to me so I could get started . My first year out of the hospital , I had my share of falls , and I 'm sorry to say that a degree if klutziness has stayed with me . That night I had fears of bumping into Katie and causing her to bump into the Torah and knock it down . Which would be worse than any of the falls I have taken , including the one where I landed on my back , banged my head on the pavement and had to go straight to the hospital ( Joe can tell you all about that one ) . Of course my parents are foremost in my memory . We had a tradition . My mother set a beautiful table the night before , and my father loved to cut the round challah and wish everyone a New Year with no round edges , just like the challah . We ate it with honey and had sweet honeydew melon , all for a sweet New Year . I was almost going to skip the services at the 92nd Street Y this year . They have modernized , and the cousins who usually go decided to go elsewhere , though we will try to meet for lunch . I thought we would just get together , have a round challah , and say our own prayers . I was sad about it , but with the cousins now leaving , and the price for tickets very high , I figured that 's just the way it was going to be . I ran it by Katie and she said that it was fine , but somehow I didn 't get around to asking Ben until a couple of weeks ago . I just figured that it would be OK with him too . I was surprised , and also touched , when he said that actually he would like to go because it keeps him connected to his Jewish roots . I panicked . The Y fills up . The subscription manager would never just sell me the tickets for the one day at this point . He would say he 'd have to discuss it with the board . It would be the equivalent of ruining Christmas . It 's supposed to be sunny , as it always seems to be on Rosh Hashanah . We 'll do our version of the tradition : services , lunch , then Betsy and Michael 's , now in Queens . Family dinner with Marge and Bill on Saturday . And then , true confessions , we have tickets for the Sunday matinee of " The Book of Mormon " on Broadway before we head back . It 's kind of an odd combination of events , but what can I say . We were going to be in the city anyway , so it seemed to work out . I think my parents would approve . The ball came faster and with more consistency , and my mind drifted off the court . " As soon as this is over , I 'm going to get out of here and appeal my rating and get back on a 3 . 0 team where I belong . Bla , bla bla . " I reminded myself to just get it over , giving them the chance to miss . It worked , and they made more unforced errors . My serve kicked in , and sometimes their return went into the net . That was a big confidence booster . It was incredibly hot and humid . " I 'm sensing a fall in our energy level , " Donna said . " We have to keep our feet moving . " She was right . If you show that you 're tired - which I was - they will take advantage of your body language . So I danced around ( with effort ! ) a big contrast to when I could barely lift my feet off the ground two years ago . On the way back to New York Sunday morning , I paid for my good luck on the way over , getting stuck on the New Jersey Turnpike for what seemed like half a day . I was reminded of the downsides of living in the New York area ; I drop back in like I never left , even savoring the sounds of sirens , buses and breathing in the smell of the sun on baked pavement , but then I remember . The traffic . When I finally got off the turnpike , I had to inch my way across town through snarled traffic . At one point when I was trying to get through a cross - walk so as to avoid gridlock , pedestrians insisted on walking in front of my car , even though I had the green light . When I tried to move ahead , slowly , of course , so I wouldn 't hit anyone , they gave up and went around but started banging on the back of my car . Ah , New York . On Sunday , I went to a wonderful restaurant , Matisse , and sat outside for the New York version of family dinner with Jeanne , Bruce , Aunt Marge and Bill and cousins Serena and Chaska . Chaska was in from California as part of the East Coast tour of her band , Raining Jane . We like to say our cousin is a rock star ; she 's beautiful inside and out and radiates what you 'd just have to call a life force . ( Serena is the same way except for not being in a rock band ) . They convinced us to go to SoHo , to the City Winery , after dinner to hear some music . All I knew was what Serena said , that it was some kind of folk music that I 'd probably like . It turned out to be Tom Paxton , who provided part of the soundtrack for my high school years , and it was interesting to see him so many years later . It ended up being a late evening , but the next morning I had to get up early and get to the car on time . I got provisions - coffee , breakfast , newspaper and book - and sat in the car for the duration . I was slightly chagrined that the street cleaner never game , but on the day that you don 't wait , that 's the day the street cleaner comes and you get the dreaded bright orange ticket . On Jan . 31 , 2009 , I had a rare fourth bone marrow transplant . This is my story of running into a diagnosis of Acute Myeloid Leukemia , or AML , in 2003 after feeling unusually winded while running a 10K race . It is a story of falling down and getting up and falling down and getting up many times over , with two relapses , life - threatening complications , life - long side effects . . . and a determination to keep moving . I am a freelance writer with a background in daily journalism . I have three children , one Labrador retriever and a debt of gratitude to my bone marrow donor . I have written versions of the story for The New York Times , The Philadelphia Inquirer , Espn . com , Marie Claire and Vice Media . I started the blog in 2008 with one story and found that I had many more to tell . |
Happy New Year ! ! ! Have a safe and happy holiday . We had a quiet day . We had rented movies from the library yesterday , so we watched them today . I put plastic on some of the windows . If we don 't move by this spring , I may replace another window . The kids didn 't have any New Year 's resolutions this year . I usually have a lot . . . but this year I just want to help the kids and move . This is the last full night of 2008 . The year has gone by so fast . I bought calenders for next year today . It is amazing how many appts . we have already . The weather has gotten relatively warmer , it is thirty degrees . I need to put plastic on more of the windows . I think that the next big project for next year is to paint the living room ceiling . I have been putting it off because the couch will need to be moved . William has downloaded a new computer program , Linux , I think that that is it 's name . He is going to try to start programming in that language . He really wants to learn to program . This is a good time to try , since he is out of school for a while . The girls had the neighbor girls over for a while . The group never sat still . They started a movie and then went to another room . There was a lot of laughter . The snow has melted , and the rain has stopped . I have started crocheting hats . I was getting board making blankets . These are the fun days . . . between Christmas and New Years . The kids are out of school and get to play , the world seems more magical . We have shared with others at Christmas , and will celebrate the past and what is to come on New Years . I like to make a list of things to do over the next year , and to look back and see if I have accomplished anything over the last year . We have come a long way , William started college , Maggie and Beth are both in Junior High , and I feel very ready to move , the house is in good shape . We relaxed today . It was nice to not have anything set that we needed to do . We played games and watched movies . It was about sixty degrees out . Everything was melting . The yard was so wet , like a sponge , and the road was full of water . . . it had all been ice before . I think that tomorrow it will be about forty deg . and then back to the thirties for next week . We had a fun Christmas . My mom and brother came over and spent some time with us . The present that the kids were the most taken with was the Cube World . It is a plastic cube that has stick people in it . They can be stacked together like an apartment complex and the stick people will go and visit their neighbors . Some of it is OK , sometimes they get mad at each other and fight . . . so it is not for little kids . It is interesting to watch . The kids got some gift certificates , so we went to a few stores to redeem them . Better to go now while the sales are going . When we came back , the kids and I wrote out our Thank - you cards . It is nice to have them done . I hope that everyone had a Merry Christmas ! ! ! Merry Christmas ! ! ! May all of you have a safe , happy and prosperous 2009 . I need to wrap the presents tonight . I don 't know how I got so far behind . Next year I will start sooner . My Mom and brother are coming over at seven AM to have Christmas with us . We do have a large family , but we are the only ones who live in this town . We call or e - mail everyone else . We went to the Christmas program at church tonight . It was fun to see all of the little kids on stage . I will miss it when my kids aren 't in it anymore . The Christmas shopping is done , but we still need to make the ornaments . The ornaments are on the dining room table . We need to get colored pens and color them . William usually doesn 't want to participate in this , so the girls and I do one for him . The weather is supposed to get to about forty degrees today and melt a lot of the snow . If it does , I hope that a lot of it drains away so that when it re - freezes tonight we don 't have really thick ice . The kids are really excited for Christmas , and for being off from school for a while . This is such a fun time of the year . We found Beth 's dress today . It was hard to find one that didn 't look like a prom dress . Tomorrow we will color the ornaments , and on Wednesday we have choir practice early in the day . I have heard that it will be a white Christmas . I am hoping that it will not be as cold as it has been . We went out yesterday to hang candy canes on peoples doors to invite them to our Christmas Eve service . It was so cold . We were out for about twenty minutes , and were cold . Today we need to find a dress for Beth , and if we can make ornaments for the tree . I hope that your Christmas preparations are going really well . The first weekend in Jan we are . . . hopefully . . . going to volunteer at the Food Bank . I am really excited . I am sorry that I am late with this blog . We made the Christmas presents yesterday , and got two dresses . Beth still needs one . We also started the cookies . We will finish them tonight . It is really cold . Winter came in early and hard this year . Everything should be done for Christmas . Today we are going back to church to hang candy canes on peoples doors with notes to invite them to the Christmas Eve service . Then we can come back and relax for a while . A storm came in last night . There was snow and then rain , and then it froze . What a mess . It made the snow crunchy on top . Beth said that her favorite part was walking on the snow and having it break under her . She was so excited . The eyes of a child see many wonders . Tomorrow we are going to have the kids make their Christmas presents . Then we are going to get dresses for the girls . William already has a suit . I asked him if he wanted a Christmas tie to wear . He said ' ' no ' ' very quickly . Then we are going to make cookies . We each also need to make an ornament for the tree . This will be a full weekend . The kids are so excited . The girls are out of school for the holiday also . Maggie is happy to have more time to read and Beth already misses all of her friends . We went outside to play today . The snow was too fluffy and dry to have a snow ball fight or to make a snowman . The kids made a hill out of snow . They shoveled the front yard , and the sidewalk . The neighbor kids came out , so they shoveled their sidewalk and grass for the snow . The snow was hauled in a wagon and on sleds . I am starting to crochet hats . Tonight was my first try . I started to late , so the hat won 't be finished tonight . There was no more snow today . I think that it may all melt later this week . I have made a list of things that need to be done before Christmas . It is a lot longer than I thought it would be . I did cross one thing off today . Most of the things will be done this weekend . . . like the kids making Christmas presents and all of us making ornaments . I need to buy more film for the camera . William is enjoying his vacation . I think that he is reading . It snowed today after we got home . We drove home with no snow , but an hour later , everything was white . We went out and shoveled . Now , looking outside , it is all covered up again . The Christmas cards are almost done . Cheer , cheer . . . I need one address , and they can go out tomorrow . Maybe next year we will have moved and then I can address them sooner . Maybe . William re - broke a tooth . He had broken it when he was in grade school . At that time they said that it would need repaired again in ten or fifteen years . It has been about that long and it broke off . We went to the dentist today to have it repaired . I was hoping that with all of the new technology the new repair would last a lifetime . They said ' ' no ' ' , it would last another ten or fifteen years . It rained last night , and then got really cold today . The water from the rain on the top of my car beaded - up and then froze . It looks like art on the roof of the car . I need to get one more present , then I have Christmas done . . . everything still needs wrapped . The kids have decided to write everyone a card for their gift . We will probably do that next weekend . We also make an ornament each year . Each person makes one . Lately they have been wooden designs that we color with markers , or sparkles . Then we put our initials on the back with the year . It is fun to see them all on the tree each year . William sometimes doesn 't do one . . . so we do one for him . We bought boots today . It is a relief to have that done . I guess that we are not late , winter hasn 't even started yet . When we got home , the girls wore their boots in the house , to get them worn in a little bit . Today was William 's first day of vacation , he looked very relaxed . I didn 't get the Christmas cards finished today , maybe tomorrow . It snowed today . For a while it was almost white - out conditions . Then it stopped . The forecast is that it is going to get warm on Sunday , and all of the snow will be gone . William is finished with his finals . He looks happy . It will seam strange not to take him to school each day . I take a picture of the kids on their first and last days of school each year . Then when they are grown , the pictures can be put into frames and we can see how they grew . We have started to receive Christmas cards . I still need to write out eight cards . We do have the stamps now . I will write them out this weekend . The warm weather a few days ago melted all of the snow , now it is just cold . We went outside to play today . It felt good to get out into the fresh air . The other day I found my list of things that I wanted to accomplish before winter got here . I was able to cross off a lot of items . Posted by Beth wants to start a business . She wants to sell goldfish . When we buy crickets for the frogs , the tank of feeder fish is next to the crickets . Beth has been looking at the fish for a long time . She is now going to go to school and see if she can supply the goldfish when they have a fair , and to ask her friends if they would buy a fish from her . I said that she should get a note from her friends parents before she delivers any fish . The fish are ten for a dollar . Beth has already named the first ten . She hasn 't bought the fish yet , but she has the names ready . The kids tried on their boots today . William 's fit , the girl 's don 't . Maybe we can get boots this weekend . If we wait too long , they will be all sold out . My kids and I have been loaning money . . . 25 dollars at a time . . . to people in other countries at www . kiva . org . We haven 't given a lot , when the person pays the money back , the kids and I pick a new person to give the money to . It is cool to see the people that the money goes to and read about how they want to change their lives . It is inspiring . We don 't make any interest , but it is so nice to be able to help someone . There are people that don 't pay the loans back , but most of them do . I heard today on the World News that there is another site where teachers can go and post their needs , like paper and pencils . I am going to get onto the website tonight and see if it is something that the kids and I should do . It is at www . donorschoose . org . It is a balance to teach the kids about making sure that they pay their bills . . . and take care of themselves . . . and give to others . They can 't neglect themselves to help others , but they should be happy givers too . It rained today . The snow is probably all melted by now . It is going to get cold tonight and make ice . . . and then it will get warm , in the forties . I spend a lot of time driving slowly . We had game night tonight . We like to play Blokus . We are getting " Apples to Apples " and a second game for Christmas . I don 't know the name of the second game yet . We put the Christmas tree up on Saturday . We re - arranged the furniture and brought up the boxes of decorations from the basement . Last year we had a problem with the tree tilting to one side . This year the kids tied it to the base with twine . It felt really sturdy . I hope that it stays up . We have two trees , so we have two tree tops . We couldn 't find the correct top , so we decided to put up the incorrect one and add a lot of decorations and lights . We all put up the lights . . . we all stand around the tree and pass the lights around the tree to each other . This year Maggie and Beth are tall enough to reach almost to the top of the tree . When we plugged in the lights only two strands turned on . . . we forgot to test them first . We decided to leave all of them on and to re - arrange them so that the tree was covered . Next we put on the ornaments . Most of the ornaments must be in storage , usually the tree is covered . The tree looks great , but it has considerably less ornaments than it would normally have . I guess that this is better if someone is looking at the house , but it seems a little empty to us . When we were all done , we found the correct tree top of the tree in the bottom of a box . We decided to leave it there . While we decorate we have Christmas music playing on the radio . It adds a nice spirit to the room . We went rollerskating yesterday . There were a lot of kids . They were mostly junior high and senior high age . There were a few younger and older ones . The music was ' ' today 's ' ' music . There wasn 't one song that I knew . The events were similar to when I was young . There was a backwards skate , a girl only skate , a boy only skate , a couple skate . . . another big difference was that last time a lot of kids were playing the games to get tickets for prizes . This time only one or two kids were playing the games , but a lot of kids were sitting on the floor by the game machines . They were all talking and having fun , on the floor . The kids faces looked so young , like they didn 't have a care in the world . I want to enjoy life that much . It has started snowing . At first is was so light that I needed to look twice to see that it was really snowing . Now the snow is a bit heavier . We may have one to two inches of snow tomorrow . Tonight we are going roller skating . The girls are very excited . I need to finish putting up the plastic on the windows in the living room before we put the Christmas tree up . William is finishing a paper that is due next week . He is almost done . The girls are going to go roller skating with their friend tomorrow night . Saturday we are going to put up the Christmas tree . William has finals next week . . . he has already taken some this week . We still need to try on boots , I can 't remember to have the kids do this . This is the last winter item that we need to get . The Christmas cards aren 't finished . I need to get Christmas stamps . It sounds like a long list , but as soon as the tree is up , and the boots and cards are done , we can all relax and enjoy the season . I hope that all of you have a restful month . William had the day off today . I think that he did homework . The girls and I got more crickets for the frogs and then went to their choir practice . I want our family to volunteer . I called the Food Bank to see if families can help . They said that they are open one Saturday a month and we would be welcome . I think that we will wait until next month , William has finals next week and I don 't want to pull him off track . I am very excited about doing this . We started listening to Christmas songs on the radio today . We are going to try to put up the Christmas tree this weekend . Sometimes it goes up really easily . The tree just stays in the stand . . . and sometimes it doesn 't . We start early in the day to put it up , in case it isn 't an easy year . It snows a little bit each day . The snow hasn 't stuck to the ground yet , it is just pretty floating in the air . There are forty - two other houses in my area that have four bedrooms and are in the same price range as my house . I was going to look them all up on the computer and see what features they have , but instead I am going to make this house the cleanest house on the list . I can 't make this house into something that it isn 't , but I can make it clean . The plastic has fallen off of the window in my room . It needs to be taped back up . It is nice that the kids windows have been replaced . Their rooms are warm and they can look through their windows year - round . It snowed yesterday . There was no accumulation , but it was pretty to see it fall from the sky . The Christmas cards are almost done : one needs an address , and eight need the paragraph about the kids written onto them . Oh . . . they all need stamps . I think that I am going to start taking the girls to the park at night after school to play for a while . After dinner it is so dark and the neighbor kids aren 't out . This would get us some exercise . OK . . . I have not been blogging consistently . I am going to try to blog earlier in the day . I have been waiting to blog until I get everything else done , then I am too tired . I will move it up on my list and see if I can regain the consistency . I watched Kenneth Copeland on TV this morning . He is always good at recharging me . I lowered the price of the house yesterday . It would be great to be moved before the end of the year . I would like to get the girls in a new school at the beginning of the new quarter . I hope that this works . I went shopping yesterday . I think that this is my first ' ' Black Friday " shopping trip . The parking lot was really full . I have never seen the parking lot so full . I was worried about how long the lines would be . There were two carts in the cart area . There were enough people there that I had to go slowly down the isles , but the crowds weren 't huge . Everyone was filling their carts and some people had arm - loads of items . The checkout lines were long , but the wait was only about ten minutes . From what I have heard from my friends , this wasn 't normal . But it was fun . Happy Thanksgiving ! ! ! We had a lot of fun today . The kids helped to prepare the meal . I always want to try to make a new dish , but I don 't get out any new recipes . Maybe next week I will get out the cook book . We have a white piece of cloth that we write what we are thankful for on each Thanksgiving . We use permanent marker . ( If you do this , put some newspaper under the material . The ink can go through to the table underneath ) . We write our names and the date by what we wrote . Then years from now , we can see what we had thought about in the past . The kids helped to put the left - overs away . It is always fun to see how they will work together . When they were young , the girls looked up to William . He would ask them to get him a lid for a container or put something away , and they would do it . Now , they all think that they are in charge . One will say to the other , " I need a lid for this container " , and the other will say , " yes you do " . They were all putting a left - over away and didn 't want to leave their spot . William has been on Thanksgiving break this week . Yesterday he walked to the mall and stopped off at a store on the way . He said that he walked for four hours . He enjoys walking and doesn 't want to get his drivers license . If he rides his bike , then he needs to get off of it at each intersection and walk it across . He is careful about this because he was hit by a pick - up truck a few years ago . His leg was broken . Now he is more careful . William says that it is faster to walk than to get off of the bike at each corner . Also , I don 't think that there are any bike racks at the mall . William wanted to buy a new computer game during this break . The girls have off Thursday and Friday . OK , its one day until Thanksgiving . . . mom has brought over the turkey for me to cook . . . she is bringing the pies and green bean casserole and rolls with her on Thanksgiving day . . . we are making the mashed potatoes and stuffing and sweet potatoes . It is not too late to buy the ingredients . We can get them tomorrow . . . peal the potatoes together tomorrow night ( we always peal the potatoes as a family . . . it is our tradition ) and put the potatoes in water in the fridge overnight . and make the rest of the food in the morning . . . we should be OK . I won 't panic yet . . . Tonight we had game night , we played Blokus . Then I put plastic on some of the windows . The rooms always feel so much better after the plastic is up . The bathroom window now has plastic on it . The upstairs is now done ! ! ! If we weren 't going to move , next I would have gotten a new screen door for William 's room and replaced the bathroom window and the girl 's closet windows . It would be nice not to have to put plastic on anything on that floor . I am going to lower the price of the house after Thanksgiving . I am hoping to move before Christmas . Can a sale be completed that fast ? I am tired of having half of our things in storage . I 'm sorry that I didn 't post on Saturday , the electricity went out on our street that night . It came back on in the night , but too late to post . I need one of those phones that connects to the Internet so that if the power does go out , I am still connected . We raked the back yard this weekend . The kids and I raked all of the leaves to the front curb . The kids are so much older now and were very helpful . Maggie and Beth like to be in front and rake the first parts of the pile to the curb . William likes the end so that he can do the detail work of getting the last leaves into the pile . The yard is green again . We went to the library to get movies today . They had a lot fewer VHS movies . I asked them if a lot of people were checking out movies today . They said that they are phasing out the VHS movies , and selling them . They will be replaced with DVD 's . When we got home , the kids and I started to clean the house . They vacuumed the rooms , and I washed the bathrooms and mopped the floors . The work is easier when a lot of people are helping and there are movies at the end . We went outside to play today . The neighbors were out raking their yard . It was so nice to see them . We are a close neighborhood . In the summer we are all outside a lot . It is difficult in the winter when we don 't see our friends as much . We took the neighbor girl with us to pick William up from school . It was a night that he had a test , so he was late coming out . We had her call home to say that she was OK and we were waiting for William . We need to get ready for Thanksgiving this weekend . I still need to finish the Christmas cards . . . I would really like to send them out just after Thanksgiving . You know . . . if I spent as much time addressing them as I do writing about addressing them , they would be done . I should buy the stamps tomorrow . In William 's room he has an outside door with a screen door . Today William and I put plastic around the screen door . It is an old screen door that doesn 't keep out much of the cold . The door is on the second floor in the back of the house , so very few people will see it . I will try to put plastic on the rest of the windows this weekend . The girls had choir tonight . They like to sing . It is very casual , they get a lot done , but it is not tense , the kids have fun . I think that they enjoy seeing their friends as much as they like singing . We got more crickets for the frogs to eat today . We buy fifty crickets at a time , then we don 't need to go back as often . We feed the crickets carrot shavings . In the summer we also feed them grass . We got our flu shots today . Maggie had a lot of homework to do tonight , we have a new educational computer game that Beth played since she didn 't have any homework . It has turned colder . I need to put plastic onto the windows . I called the real estate lady and she said that it would be OK . Then people would see that they would need plastic on these windows too . She didn 't think that it would hurt the sale of the house . I wonder . . . as soon as the plastic goes up , will we start top get people coming over to see the house again ? We signed William up for his next terms classes yesterday . It was a lot easier this time , since we have signed him up one other time . Then we went to get him a winter jacket . We went to the mall . I don 't think that there is a recession in my town . The mall parking lot was full . It took a long time to find a parking spot . Also , everyone that we saw coming out of the mall was caring a package . Usually when there are rough economic times , no one has bought anything , they are all just looking . Yesterday , they were buying . We literally went into every store in the mall that sells men 's clothes to look for a winter jacket with a hood that does not come off ( no zippers or buttons ) and does not have any fur around the hat . William does not like the fur , he thinks that it looks like a girls jacket . We couldn 't find a winter jacket . Last week when we went to look , we went to four stores . We were all tired after looking at the mall , and still didn 't have a jacket . Beth had received some money for her birthday , so she wanted to go to another store to spend it . She had seen an MP3 player . . . is that the one that music can be loaded onto ? . . . so we went to look . It was a store that we had gone to last week for winter jackets , but since we were there , we looked again . . . you never know , more jackets may have come in . We found a winter jacket for William . Cheer and clap . . . Beth decided that she didn 't want the MP3 player . so she bought some " Bratz " dolls . Have you seen the " Bratz " dolls ? They are the ones that the feet come off and you can put different feet on them . Then the child doesn 't have to slip the shoes on and off , they just put on different feet , that already permanently have shoes on them . It is really freaky to go around the house and see these stray feet laying around , or to see these dolls without feet . The new dolls have legs and feet that come off . The doll then had from its stomach up attached . The one that Beth got has three sets of legs . So we have two sets laying around without a body . This is even freakier . Maggie hPosted by We had Beth 's birthday party last night . She is twelve years old now . Beth has grown about two and a half inches in the last year . She is as tall as William was at eleven . Right now she is my most petite child . . . I don 't know if she well end up that way . I started the Christmas cards last night . They all have our return address on them . I have written the note that I want to put into all of the cards , but it still needs written into each card . I decided that this could wait for another day . Maybe I will put all of the stamps on next . Today we need to get William registered for the next term in college , get William a winter jacket , and get haircuts . The weather is turning chillier and it is raining . The weather was spring - like today . It started off chilly , and turned out to be beautiful . We will need to go to the library soon . The kids are almost done with their books . We don 't have much planned for this weekend . It may be nice to rest . I like to change the family pictures around the house now and then . We have a lot of pictures , but they are in photo albums . To get some of them seen , they are rotated in the picture frames in the house . I was hoping that the kids would look at the pictures and recognise that they are different , but they don 't . So after the pictures are changed , I take them around and point out the new ones , and answer any questions that they have about who is in the pictures or where we were . It is like having a rotating picture show . We still have our Halloween decorations up . We need to take them down . Maybe tomorrow . The kids had a good day , they were warm in their winter jackets . The weather turned cold so fast . I am ready for spring . We had game night tonight . We played " Blokus " . It is a board game where each person has pieces that they take turns adding to the board to see who can find a place to put all of their pieces . Beth had a plan this time on how and which pieces to use next . . . Maggie made lawnmower noises . Have you guessed yet that Maggie is the class clown ? It was fun . Tonight I am going to start filling out the Christmas cards . I found a new saying to put on my computer . It is ' ' You choose what to do with the time that you are given " It is from " Lord of the Rings " . Making all of the lists in the world won 't help me if I don 't choose to get anything done . We found winter jackets for the girls this weekend . William couldn 't find one that he liked that had an attached hood , so we will keep looking . We also now have hats and gloves for everyone . They have last years jackets , but they will be too small soon . We went to my mom 's house to see my Uncle and Aunt for a short while yesterday . We couldn 't stay long , the kids go to school today . They are leaving today ( Monday ) , it was so fun to see them . We had a busy day . My Uncle and Aunt came into town last evening . They are staying with my mom . We went to see them today after lunch . We went to the park and then went and had ice cream , then went to mom 's house for an hour , then went out to dinner , then went back to mom 's house to talk and relax . It was fun , but full . It would be nice if all of the relatives lived closer . They are leaving on Monday morning after breakfast . We are going to give them some of our snowdrop bulbs to take back home . We cleaned out the frogs container today . It was chilly out so we sat on the kitchen floor with newspapers under the container to clean it . The hardest part is catching the crickets . They must be put into a separate container before the big container can be cleaned out . We also dug up all of our snowdrop flower bulbs . They are the ones that bloom in January or February . When they originally came , they were planted about a foot apart . Now each one has multiplied so that each one is a clump of about ten bulbs . The bulbs need to be dug up and carefully separated . Then they can be replanted . In another five years , all of them will be about ten bulbs . It is better to separate them each year . . . but we didn 't . It will be nice this winter to see so many flowers . The girls had school pictures today . They were very excited . William has had to write a lot of papers for college recently . He does most or all of his writing at school . He has been very busy with college . He looks pleased with the challenge . We haven 't heard back from his " first choice " college yet on if he was accepted . . . so he will register here at the Community College for next term . We need to take the Halloween decorations down . It is time to get ready for Thanksgiving . The weather was great today . I had my winter jacket off . The girls played tag today . Today they are running down one side of the street and crossing to the other side and running down it , playing tag as they go . It looks more like they are running track . We need to put the Halloween decorations away , Thanksgiving will be here soon . Maggie and Beth switched jobs today . Maggie will now put dinner away and Beth will feed the crickets . . . that feed the frogs . This is a permanent switch . They are both sure that their new job will be easier than their old one . I have found my Christmas cards for this year . The next step is to start addressing them . OK . . . actually . . . I found them about two weeks ago . Now each day I stare at them . If they aren 't addressed soon , they won 't be ready to be mailed right after Thanksgiving . Maybe this week . Beth 's Birthday is in November . Her present is now in my room . It needs to be near me so that it can be wrapped without the kids seeing where they are kept . We have birthday 's in September , October and November , also the holidays Halloween , Thanksgiving , and Christmas . The end of the year is very full for us . I have started to crochet again . It is nice to have a warm Hobie in the winter . I like making the blankets . Since I can 't match colors , picking yarn is frustrating , but after that , making the blankets is fun . To pick yarn , I either have all white boarders , or ask someone in the store to help me . We eat dinner together . It is great to see the kids , to hear about their day . We talk about what is coming up that we need to plan for or things that happened that day . We are together at other times of the day , but only at meals are we all seated facing each other . The day 's interruptions ( friends , phones , homework . . . ) are all gone , and we can talk . We had William 's birthday party today . My mom came over , she is the only one in the family that lives in town . William likes pie instead of cake , so we had apple pie and Recesses Cup ice cream . The pie had nineteen candles on it . This pie had the lattice top ( crissed crossed top , not a full crust covering ) , which was easier to put nineteen candles into . Last year we had a pie with a full crust . . . when we put eighteen candles in it , there wasn 't anything left of the top crust . After the pie and ice cream , we measured William on our measuring stick . We use a separate piece of wood , not a door frame . Then if we move , we can take it with us . William hasn 't grown in the last year , but he does look taller . I think that it is because he is more mature now . We always have the presents last , then they can play with them without having to stop to have " Happy Birthday " sung to them or to be measured . The kids went trick - or - treating tonight . . . the girls went , and William decided to stay home . They had fun , seeing all of the kids , getting candy , looking at peoples porch decorations . The record for candy at our house is five or six gallons of candy ( we store it in gallon size Ziploc bags ) . Tonight they got three gallons . We guess that it is lower because William didn 't go with us . On our street , the neighbors said that they had two trick - or treaters , if you include my two girls . Some years we have had as many as thirty kids , usually we have about ten kids . If we all go out we leave a bowl of candy on the front porch and the lights on . We had a busy day . The girls and I carved pumpkins after dinner and picking William up from college . Beth started carving her pumpkin and named him " Bob " . . . but then she realized that the pumpkin looked more like a " Joe " . Maggie wanted to see the legal papers for the name change . I carved one for William . He is older now and doesn 't participate in everything any more . While we carved the pumpkins , the girls played in the seeds . It was a lot of gooey fun . Tomorrow , we get Halloween candy , and have dinner and trick - or - treat . Saturday , we have a dentist appt . , and William 's birthday party . This has been a busy week . William didn 't have school today , so he stayed home . The girls and I went to church tonight . Usually on Wednesdays they have kids choir and dinner . But tonight , they had dinner and a slimefest . They must have invited all of the town , there were a lot of families there that I didn 't recognise . Maggie went as a witch and Beth was a princess . I usually take the pictures of the events , but they were short one person so I helped . I had the booth where the kids got pretzels and marshmallows and gum drops and they could make things out of them . The pretzels get pushed into the marshmallows and gum drops to build things . The kids built a lot of houses and letters . . . " L " and " T " were the favorite , and one child built a helicopter . In the end they can eat their creation , throw it away or take it home . We had fun . Beth had her cat slippers on today . She found that if she pulled her pant legs over the top of the slippers , it looked like the cat had a hat on . Beth thought that this was a riot . I think that we may be making her cat slippers hats soon . Maggie is getting over her cold . William , Beth and I are now sniffling . William finished his paper this morning in the computer lab at school before class started . . . well . . . he said that he was only a few minutes late for class . He did a good job . It is getting closer to Halloween , Maggie has the sniffles , Beth is starting to sniffle , William is even sniffling . They need to be healthy before Halloween . Sometimes it rains on Halloween . We spent a lot of time this weekend at the library and the college . Maggie needed more books , so we went to the library . While we were there we rented a lot of movies . William had a paper due so we went to the college so that he could type it . . . we are out of ink , or he could have typed it here . Beth loves to go to all of these places and see more people . This week has a lot going on : William turns nineteen , the girls have school pictures , Halloween , the girls have a Halloween dance at school . . there is probably more , but I can 't think of anything else . We bought two more snow shovels today . The last time that we got shovels was when the kids were very young . So we have small shovels . Now , when it snows , we can all use a full size shovel . We got out this years Christmas cards . One night I will put all of the addresses on them . Another night I will put our return address on them . I like to send them out right after we finish the Thanksgiving leftovers . If there is time I will add a short note about our family to each one . I write the same note on all of the cards . It would be difficult to think of new things to say in each of the cards , so they all get the same note . Last year the cards said . . . William is choosing a college , Maggie loves having a locker at school and Beth loves being the youngest . I am not sure what this years note will say . The girl 's school is talking about taking the kids on trips this year . They are talking about the sixth grade going to Washington DC and the sixth , seventh and eighth grade going somewhere else . Last year they had a meeting about the seniors going to New York City , but there weren 't enough kids that signed up , so they didn 't go . The girls are so excited about taking a trip with their class . We are going to get winter jackets this weekend . We are all looking forward to it . We got Maggie 's bike back last week . The back tire had been bent when she went around a corner and hit a pothole . Maggie was OK but the bike tire was bent so that when she rode it the bike wobbled up and down like a clown 's bike . The bike place was able to bend it back into place . I hope that we can go bike riding again soon . When it gets too cold to go bike riding , we will go back to ice skating . There is an ice skating rink by us . We need to have the kids check their skates and see who has outgrown theirs . We went to the storage unit to bring home the winter blankets and my winter clothes . We had hoped that the house would sell by now and we could unpack at the next house , but that hasn 't happened yet . We had kept the kids winter clothes at this house , only mine had gone to storage . I took the blankets to the laundromat to wash them . They are too large for my machine at home . We don 't need more blankets yet , but it will be good to have them when it gets colder . We brought the witch decoration home from storage too . It is one of those witches that looks like it ran into the house . It doesn 't seam like Halloween to me without the witch on the porch . We need to get some Halloween candy soon . It is almost time to cut back all of the plants before winter . I don 't want to cut them back too soon , if it gets warm again , they will all try to re - grow . I really don 't want to cut them back twice . Because we have the house up for sale , we kept a lot of our bigger plants cut back this summer . This really made our yard look bigger . When we do cut all of the plants back , there won 't be as much to do . The rose bush clippings that we planted are doing OK . We planted seven cuttings : one sprouted , five are still green , but haven 't sent out any shoots , and one died . I hope that they make it through the winter . My car 's brakes started making noise last week . There are always so many questions that need answered when the car needs repaired . Will it be done in time to pick up the kids , or will it be done that day , how much will it cost , can all of the other things that needed to be done that day get done ? I dropped the kids off at school and went to the car repair place . I had decided that if it was going to take too long , I could call my mom . I would rather be independent , but having to walk home or to call a cab didn 't seam like a good idea . I started praying that the car would be done fast and for a low price . The mechanic looked at the car and said that it would be about $ 200 . 00 and would take an hour . I was so glad to have it done and have a safe car again . The birds have eaten all of the suet ( bird food ) . They can eat a block of suet in less than two days . We try to put out more every week or two . One former place where we lived , we had an electric water dish . It plugged in and the water didn 't freeze in the winter . We had it in the backyard . The birds and the other animals have a place to get a drink in the winter . At that time we lived in the middle of a neighborhood , so we had visits from birds and a rabbit . I would love to have the water dish out here , but we live sort of close to a small amount of woods . I am concerned that all of the animals would come over to get a drink . I really don 't want the ground hogs in our yard . The weather is starting to get cooler . We need more shovels . We have one that is for an adult , one that can go into a car trunk and two for little kids . We need three more adult size shovels . My friends and I were talking the other day about which flowers will grow in their yards . They both have a lot of sun , so much that their hastes don 't survive . They want to plant perennials next year so that they won 't need to replant each year . I told them about our Snow Drops that bloom in January or February right through the snow . We water them all summer . . . well we water the ground where the bulb is , and then in the winter when we are ready for spring , they sprout . I am going to take them some bulbs for their yard . Beth has a new goal . She wants to learn to cook . She says that there isn 't anything in particular that she wanted to learn . She just wants to learn to cook . So far she can make Rice Crispy Treats . Beth says that she is happy with that , but she wants to learn more . Maggie 's goal is to read more . Maggie and Beth were in the backyard today playing . They have ' ' adopted ' ' a leaf and named it ' ' Leafy ' ' . I waxed my car the other day and missed wiping off some of the wax . I went around the car today and wiped those spots . I hope that it is all gone now . We went to conferences at the girl 's school today . They are in junior high , so we don 't have a set time to see each teacher . There is a open block of time , and we go to teachers as we see that they aren 't talking with any other parents . The teachers at this school are young , and full of energy . The girls are doing well in school . William didn 't have any school today so he stayed home . He really enjoys Wednesdays . The leaves in our neighborhood have started falling . The trees are partly green and partly a rainbow of color . The tree in our front yard has been cut down , so we don 't have any leaves . The colors of the leaves on our lawn would be pretty , but I don 't mind that we won 't need to rake the front yard . In our back yard the neighbor 's leaves fall into our yard , so we can rake them . Before we decided to move , we had a compost pile in the backyard and we raked all of our leaves back there . We also raked all of our neighbor 's leaves onto our compost pile . All of the kids in the neighborhood would come and help . No one had enough rakes for all of the kids , about twelve kids in all . . . so we used shovels and wagons too . We ended up with leaves everywhere , but we had a great time . William is looking around the campus more . All of his classes are in one building . This building also has the cafeteria and computer room . He hasn 't needed to go to any other building . He has found the library in another building , and the engineering building . The girls played tag in slow motion tonight . Sometimes on bikes , sometimes on foot . It was very interesting to watch . We have been looking for a small black pan with a black lid to finish up our solar oven . We haven 't been able to find one . All of the ones that I am seeing have long handles . We went to an apple festival this weekend . It was so much fun to go somewhere new . They had old tractors , made apple cider ( the tractors didn 't make the cider , people did ) , and had re - enactments with Civil War soldiers . There were a lot of booths showing old skills , like candle making , tatting ( it sort of looks like lace ) , bow and arrow making , etc . We were only there for a few hours , but we were all pretty tired when it was done . We liked the demonstrations the best . There is a general store in town that we did not get to see , and we wanted to rent a canoe , but they were closing when we got there . We need to go back to this town again soon and see these things . We bought Halloween costumes for the girls today . Maggie didn 't know what she wanted to be and Beth wanted to be a witch . They like to get costumes that can be warn over their winter jackets . Also , I don 't allow any masks that could cover their eyes or any scary costumes . We are a PG rated , Walt Disney family . Maggie found a black cape , a wig and a really big purple hat . She is a funky witch . Beth found the same cape and a wig , but she didn 't want the same costume as Maggie . Beth ended up deciding that because Maggie had a hat , their costumes are different . Neither of them wanted any more pieces for their costume , since the jacket would probably cover it up . We also bought pumpkins . We got one for William too . He probably won 't carve it , but we like William to know that we are still thinking about him . We have not found the third frog yet . . . OK we didn 't look . He is probably in the container . If he got out , he hasn 't come out into the open yet . We can look tomorrow . We don 't need to go to the library tomorrow . Instead , we should take Maggie 's bike in to get fixed , and we need to get Halloween costumes and pumpkins . The weather is going to be so nice , I hope to play outside a lot this weekend . The lid to the frog 's container was left open last night . We have one frog that jumps around a lot in the night and it got out . He ( she ? ) was found on the kitchen floor . William put him back into his container . He hopped right into the water container . Tonight Maggie checked the cage to make sure that the other frogs were still there . She found a second frog , but not the third . He ( she ? ) may be in the cage , but hiding . . . we don 't know . We haven 't found it around the house . I hope that the third frog is OK . William had the day off from school so he went to the library to do homework . The weather has turned nice again , so it was a pleasant walk . We need to get the Halloween decorations out . It is getting late , and soon it will be too late . We need to get the girls Halloween costumes too . We should get them this weekend . We can get the candy too and put it into the freezer . Maggie didn 't feel good at school today , so I picked her up early . She is feeling better now , and will go back to school tomorrow . The weather is still cold . . . to us . . . not to our neighbors , who are still wearing shorts . It is going to get warmer tomorrow , then we can go back to our spring jackets . Maggie and Beth both needed their glasses fixed . Maggie 's nose pieces had both fallen off , and Beth 's nose pieces were both bent . We went in today to get their glasses adjusted . It is nice now to see the girls with their glasses sitting in the correct spot on their noses . After we were done we had about an hour before we could pick up William , so we went to a park with a playground . It was a playground that had a large climbing area . Sort of a combination slide , with walkways and a fireman 's pole and ladders etc . The girls had fun . They played tag a lot . We did go to the swings too . Next we picked up William and went home . He said that he may not need the Forbes magazine article for his class any more . The class may be going onto another project . This evening we went for a bike ride . Maggie went around a corner too fast and fell off of the bike . She is OK . The back tire on the bike isn 't round anymore . The bike wobbles now . We will need to get a new bike tire . We got more crickets on Saturday . This is a noisy group . They sing all night . When they stop singing in the morning , the birds outside are singing . I love hearing their songs . Our yellow mums by the front stairs have come in beautifully . A few weeks ago , we took cuttings from my grandmothers rose bush and planted them . One has sprouted , and the rest are still alive . . . still green . I did a few things differently this time . After they were planted , they were given plant food . They were planted in an area that gets some sun and some shade , and they are watered with water that is not straight from the faucet . I heard that that water is too cold , and needs to set in the cup for a while to get to the temperature outside before it is given to the plants . Then the water isn 't such a shock . I did water them every day for about the first three days , then I got busy with other things and they are now watered about once a week . It has rained some . I am so happy that one has sprouted . I 'm sorry , I tried to post last night , but was just too tired . William took the SAT test yesterday . He may need it for scholarships . While he was taking it the girls and I did some errands . We went to the library so that Maggie could get more books . She now has four books . She started reading one yesterday , and she seemed pretty interested in it . Beth also ended up with four books . Beth was only looking for one book , but it took Maggie a while to decide on her books and to have me OK them , so Beth spent a lot of time standing by the books with nothing to do . So she looked at books and chose some more . Also . . . we have now moved to the teen section in the library . They think that these books are so interesting . When we were done with the library , we started looking for winter jackets . Some of the stores didn 't have the jackets out yet , but they were having great sales on summer clothes . The rest of the stores had a few jackets out , but they didn 't have attached hoods . We didn 't get jackets yesterday . Then we bought some crickets for the frogs to eat , and went and picked up William . He said that the test had gone well . Beth is teaching us Spanish . She really likes her Spanish class . It is amazing how many words that she can remember . She tells us the word and we repeat it . She looks so pleased that she is able to teach other people . Maggie has a new watch . She is now our time teller . Sometimes she gives us the time once a day , sometimes every twenty seconds . Maggie gets really excited when the minutes change and she can give us a new time . William has gotten a book on memory , how to remember more . One of his professors at school has told the class that someone has memorized a lot of the numbers in pi . So William wants to improve his memory too . It was chilly today . We were glad that our winter jackets still fit . The weather should get warmer next week . I will be glad to have warm weather again . The mums in our front yard are blooming . It is so nice to see the yellow flowers . It makes me feel warmer to look at them . OK . . . I 'm a sissy . I like warm weather . . . 70 deg . or 80 deg . is nice . It has been 50 or 60 deg . and I am cold . Maggie has four books to read . She says that only one is interesting , but she is almost finished with it . When it is done , she will read the boring books . Maggie can 't wait until Saturday when we can go to the library to get her more books . We bought a dictionary tonight . We know that we have one ( or two ) , but we can 't find it ( or them ) . Maybe it has been packed . The one that we got is a combination dictionary and thesaurus . The kids have a lot of homework this year that they need it for . We need to put up the Halloween decorations this week . William has decided to not go trick - or - treating this year . Maggie wants to go , but doesn 't know what she wants to be . Beth wants to be a witch . She just wants a hat . . . one big enough to go over a winter hat , so that she can wear it if it gets cold . When the kids were little we used to make their costumes . We used wrapping paper , and tape , and boxes , and aluminum foil . Their favorite was to be a present . We cut a hole in the top of the box for their head , and holes for their arms . Then we would wrap the box in wrapping paper . It was so cute . If you do this , get a box that isn 't too big or too small . If a big box is used , and the child trips and falls over , they can 't get up . If the box is too small , then it is difficult to get the box on over their winter jacket . Beth needed a dry - erase board for math class at school . We picked one up tonight . She thinks that they are going to use them to cut down on their paper usage . It kind of reminds me of when the pioneer kids had their personal size chalk boards . We tried on our jackets tonight . It is going to get cold tomorrow . We have gone out to find new jackets , but the kids need jackets with hoods that are attached , not snapped on or zippered on . We have not been able to find jackets that they like yet . In the middle of winter , when it is really cold , the kids can put up their hood , over their hat , and have that extra layer of warmth . Plus , if the hood is attached , then it won 't get lost . It is a bother to find a jacket with an attached hood , but we are always glad that we did . After dinner tonight the kids were joking around and wanted to know if they could have desert . We don 't usually ( or ever ) have desert . There is nothing wrong with having desert . I just can 't remember to buy it or make it . I knew that we had some ice cream left they they didn 't know about . . . so I said yes . They were so surprised . We had some Rockey Road and some Mint Chocolate Chip , and four kinds of toppings and peanuts . There wasn 't much ice cream , but enough to make us happy . We ate and passed around the toppings , and had a great time . Just before we started dinner , it started to rain . We decided to play board games this evening . This wasn 't the best choice after ice cream , but it was fun . We played a few games of " Guess Who ? " and then played " Blockus " . The ice cream was in full force by the time that we got to " Blockus " . ( It is a fun game even if we haven 't eaten ice cream . ) The girls kept making their pieces into designs , Maggie likes to make flowers and Beth likes to make squares . We found one piece that looked like an antelope . We did manage to finish one game . It was a riot . Now and then it is fun to do something different . On the way home on Saturday I asked William if he was ready to learn to drive . He said ' ' Yes . ' ' and was smiling . I am not ready for him to take the car , but I would like William to be able to drive . When we got to our driveway we pulled in and switched places in the car . William adjusted the seat and we discussed which pedal is the brake and which is the gas . He practiced going forward about two feet and stopping the car . William did this a few times up to the garage door . He needs to get a learners permit . Are the rules for getting a license any different since he will be nineteen next month ? I would love to teach him how to drive a stick shift car . It is nice to know how to drive both kinds of car . The problem is that I have a automatic car . The girls went to the amusement park today , so William and I got to spend the day together . It is always fun to see what interests my kids . We dropped the girls off at the church and then went to the library so that William could get a magazine article for his class . Next we went home for lunch . After lunch , we went to the mall to see the graphics on a new type of computer game , I think that it is called Blue Ray . The picture is computer generated , but it almost looks like live people , not cartoons . It is almost scary how close it is to real life . William also wanted to go to the bookstore on the other side of the mall . As we walked over to the other store , we stopped at a few stores along the way that sold electronic things , like robots and glasses that have television screens in them so that people can watch a DVD on them . Next we went to the bookstore . We looked at books for a while and then William bought a book . After we left the mall we went to the computer store to look at computer games . Last we got William a haircut . It was an exciting day . We picked up the tempered glass today . I called the company and they said that they understood about us getting lost . They gave me more complete directions . The glass is a rectangle , and bigger than we had planned on , but that is OK . If we get a bigger inner tube , this glass will fit nicely . Right now the glass is in the dining room . We still need a black pan with a black lid , and to cut the plywood piece . The plywood that we have is much too large . William came home today and said that he has run into another person from his high school . This graduating class was only about fifteen people . He has three of them at the Community College with him . He likes seeing familiar faces . I called the rest of the local companies today to get the price of a piece of tempered glass for our solar oven . The last company that I called had a piece of glass that they were throwing away and they said that we could have it for free . . . the other companies were charging between 36 and 65 dollars . The lady said that we could pick it up today . She gave me brief directions . I didn 't get the address from the phone book , or look it up on the Internet . It was in an area where we had lived and I thought that I could find it from the directions . The girls and I drove across town and couldn 't find it . I called , but they had their answering machine on . I hope that they don 't get rid of it , I can call them and pick it up tomorrow . After looking for the glass company , the girls and I went to pick up William . He didn 't come out at the normal time . We waited a half hour and went into where he usually sits to see if he was there . He wasn 't . We waited another fifteen minutes . No William . Is he hurt , and he didn 't have any ID on him to have me called ? Is he in the library ? I thought about a lot of things . Finally we went to the security building . They said that no one had gotten hurt that day or had been taken to the hospital . I said that we hadn 't seen William , were going home to see if there were any messages , and would be right back . At home there were no messages . We were ready to go back to the college when William called and said that he had had a test that had taken him a long time to do . I was so relieved . We went back to get him . In the local paper I found a list of places to take field trips with the kids . They had some ideas that I hadn 't thought of , like petting zoos , and orchards to see cider being made , and factories , to see dolls or toys ( or anything ) being made , working farms , historical societies . . . the list went on and on . The web sites were also listed so I can get the hours and the times that they are open . It sounds fun . . . but with the library on Saturday mornings , and a bike ride in the afternoon . . . Church Sunday morning and playing in the afternoon , where do we fit it in ? I will go on some websites and see what is offered , we will try to fit it in somewhere . We like going to new places . Beth had homework tonight . She had to write five sentences in Spanish . The problem was that all her class has learned so far are numbers , letters and food . We went on the Internet to get a few more words . Our neighbor brought home another pumpkin to add to their Halloween / Thanksgiving decorations . It is a cute display . We have a witch that we put up for Halloween . It is one of the ones that looks like she ran into a wall . We usually put it up at the beginning of October . The kids all help to bring her out of the basement . I have started washing the blankets so that they will be ready when it gets cold . They must be taken to the laundromat , they are too big for my machine . I made a list Saturday morning of the things that need done before winter gets here . . . like trying on winter jackets . . . and then I managed not to do anything on the list . I did get some of the weekend jobs done . . . like making lunches . . . maybe next week I can look at the list again . Beth got a lot of hair clips this weekend . She needs to practice using them before she wears them to school . So . . . Beth is putting them into her dolls hair . Maggie is almost finished with her two new books . We may need to go back to the library in the next few days . She has decided to get longer books . Maybe it would be better for Maggie to get three longer books . The leaves have started to turn colors . Since the big tree in our front yard is gone , we won 't have many leaves to rake this year . One of my neighbors has put out their Halloween / Thanksgiving decorations . It is very festive , but it always makes me cold to look at it . They have a bale of hay and scarecrows and pumpkins . When their decorations go up I start to notice that the weather is getting colder . Beth likes to take our tape measure around and measure all of the furniture . Then she goes around and tells everyone the measurements of all of the furniture . Maggie is still playing with her Magnetix that she got for her birthday . Maybe she will get more at Christmas so that she can make larger items . William has been doing a lot of homework lately . He looks very happy . The mums have started to flower . They are always so pretty . The hastas and the butterfly bush have almost finished blooming , so the mums are a welcome sight . We had a lot of rain last week , the grass is a lot greener . Maggie has homework . She must ask twenty - five people what their favorite kind of candy bar is from the five choices . I think that some of the choices are : Hershey 's , Reese 's , and Crunch . I don 't remember the other choices . Maggie must not be able to ask the kids at school , because she is asking the kids in the neighborhood . We got all of our weekend jobs done today , now we can play all weekend . Tomorrow we need to go to the library so that William can get an article from Forbes magazine for school , and so that Maggie can take out two more books . If it works out , we can go for a bike ride too . Beth is having a sleep over at the neighbor 's house , so we won 't know until tomorrow how tired she will be . The girls played tag tonight with each other until one of them made the flowers in the front yard it . We have called two places to get prices for the glass for the solar oven . We thought that plexiglass would be better , because it wouldn 't break as easily , but I don 't think that it will let in enough sunlight . We are going to try tempered glass . It looks like the lead time is a week wherever we go , we just need to get a few more prices . The trip to the amusement park was moved out two weeks . The girls are excited . So far the kids all like school . My car was in the shop for the last few days . We borrowed my mom 's car . Now that we are back in my car , the kids are missing the other car . They miss the power windows , and the power locks . . . is it because the doors need to be locked by the driver and the kids then have one less responsibility ? I am glad to have my car back , it is very comfortable . I can 't seem to do my weekend jobs ( like matching outfits ) on the weekend . . . I like to play with the kids . . . so now I am doing the jobs on Wednesday . It is working out so much better . I have been exercising for five to ten minutes a day . It has made a difference . We got more crickets yesterday for our frogs . We have gotten used to hearing their cricket noise , and seeing the crickets running around the container . The girls were wondering if the last batch of crickets have left any messages in the container that says ' ' The frogs will eat you , stay away from the frogs ! ! ! ' ' Maggie is studying Scientific Theory and variables . She has a test tomorrow . Beth has decided that she is a dependent variable , she depends on her parents , and brother and sister , and relatives , etc . William and Maggie had homework tonight . William has a lot of homework and Maggie had a little . I think that William was doing Accounting . . . he was in his room so I didn 't see the book . . . and Maggie needed to look up the definitions to her vocabulary words . Beth didn 't have any homework . I started to call around to find tempered glass for our solar oven . We decided that Plexiglas wouldn 't let in enough sunlight , and we didn 't want regular glass , so I am calling around to see if tempered glass will be more unbreakable , but let the light in . We measured the inner tube . If we get a glass that is about three feet square , it will be more than big enough . We still need to cut the plywood . . . we have a large piece of plywood in the garage . . . and get a black pan . There is a new neighbor moving into the house next to us . I thought that he was moving in last Friday , but it doesn 't look like he has . We share a driveway with that house . It will be nice to have the lights on again . Maggie is still playing with her birthday presents . She likes the Konnects the best . She likes to make a rope , and see how long it will get before it is too heavy for the magnets . Beth is writing words for new songs . She wants to be a singer right now . She has a notebook that she writes them in . The girls were going to the amusement park today . This morning they packed their lunches in paper bags . Beth wanted her hair up , to keep her growing bangs out of her eyes . So we did two french braids on top . Maggie likes her hair down . They put on suntan lotion . But . . . it was raining . It had rained last night . We live a few hours from the amusement park , so we didn 't want to guess that the park was closed . William came with us to drop off the girls . He needed to go to the library . When we got to our church , they said that the trip was cancelled . The forecast was for rain all day . They would reschedule the trip . Everyone took it well . The girls wanted to know if they could eat their lunches now . We all went to the library . While William found his books , the girls read Garfield books and I read a magazine . It did stop raining this afternoon . The girls are going to the amusement park tomorrow with the youth group from Church . William doesn 't want to go . The girls are so excited . We picked out their outfits tonight . They will pack lunches in the morning . Beth is growing her bangs out . She doesn 't want to wear a head band and have to hold it on every ride , so we will braid her hair . Maggie usually likes her hair down . Maybe she will change her mind tomorrow . While they are gone , I was going to have William and I go for a bike ride , but he needs to go back to the library to get a magazine and some books for his classes . If it doesn 't take too long , then we can still go for a ride . Maggie had her birthday party . Her grandma , my mom , came over . We had apple pie and ice cream . . . two of my kids don 't like cake , so they choose pie . We have a six foot board that we measure everyone 's height on at their birthday . We like to see how much they have grown . Maggie is as tall at thirteen as William was at fourteen . If someone grows taller than the board , we can put their added inches on the bottom of the board . It is chillier out tonight . There is a slight breeze . The wind chimes on the front porch are playing slow , soft music and the flags are rippling in the wind . Beth has been changing her dolls outfit every day . Sometimes she plays with her other toys , for now she is into her dolls . The outfit from today is put into the dirty clothes and a new outfit is put on . Her doll is carried around a lot . But . . . when Beth gets to a room to play , the doll is set on a couch or somewhere comfortable while Beth plays with something else . Beth has decided to make a house out of cereal boxes . Tonight she cut the cereal boxes up to make the walls and started to tape them together . She wants the house to be about a foot tall . This house must not be for the favorite doll , because the doll is also about a foot tall . The rose clippings that we planted are still alive . They are still green . We only remember to water them every other day . William is getting more talkative about school . Every now and then he tells me about something that he learned in class . He seems very comfortable with the new schedule and classes . He has now started to look for financial aid for next term . Maggie is very excited about her birthday . I am not sure if she is happier about the presents or about finally being a teen . I think that she is board telling every one that she is a ' ' tween ' ' . Beth is making out her Christmas list . She really wants a doll like her favorite doll . But she says that it would be nice if the new one is a little bit bigger than the old one . I guess that the new one will be older than the current one . . . the old one can stay the baby forever . Life goes on each day . The normal occurrences happen . We laugh together , we have dinner , we read at night , we fold clothes and play with friends . Then one day we look up and everyone is older . They have all moved into the next group . They are ready and capable . William needed an e - mail address to sign up for scholarships . Maggie turns thirteen this week , and Beth is done with Junior Church ( when the grade school kids leave the service at church and go and do a craft or hear a Bible story for kids ) she will stay with us during the whole service now . There aren 't any tiny kids in my house any more . There are nice things about having older kids , there are no more bottles and everyone sleeps all night . I am glad that the kids are growing up , but I do miss having little ones , who need to hold my hand , and want to be at home . It is a joy to see the kids test their abilities and do well . I will need another hobby to fill up more of my free time . We need to finish some of our projects . OK . . . I need to get the items so that we can finish some of our projects . First we need to finish our solar oven . We have the plywood and the inner tube . We need the Plexiglas ( which we are substituting for the glass ) and a black pan . The inner tube goes on the plywood and the Plexiglas goes on top , holding the heat inside the center of the inner tube , and the black pan absorbs the heat . We have found a store to get the Plexiglas from , and most stores sell black pans . Our second project is the solar panel . We got stuck on the converter . It is the part that goes in between the solar panel and the radio . It converts the energy from the sun to electricity . We need to find a small , cheap one . Boaters and RVers use solar panels , so a good place to look would be boating and RV stores . It will be good to get these first two projects done , so that we can go onto something else . I have decided to return my folding bike . There are too many things wrong with it . I will buy another one from the local bike shop . When we had four bikes on the bike rack , it was too much weight on the plastic bumper . With a folding bike , one bike can go in the trunk . We love to ride our bikes , we will need to make something work so that we can continue riding . We took some cuttings from my Great grand - mother 's rose bush last weekend and planted them . I would love to have a few more of this rose bush planted around the yard . Also , if / when we move , if we only have one of this plant and it dies , well . . . we would have none . But if we moved a few bushes , there is a better chance that one will live . My Great grand - fathers rose bush has rooted almost every time that we have planted a cutting . We have more weeds in our yard than we have grass . I don 't want to use weed killer because it might be harmful to the kids . I pull the weeds , I rake the weeds , the weeds are still taking over . The weeds in this yard are green , so they look like grass . I need to go to the home improvement store and see if there are any non - toxic solutions to this problem . We went to the store today to get William a new backpack . We ended up in the toy department . There were Legos and robots and dolls and Rubik cubes . . . We had a great time . William and Maggie like the building toys and Beth likes the dolls and dress - up toys . I am ready to Christmas shop now . I need to exercise more . I decided to start with five minutes a day , just after the girls go to bed . . . don 't laugh , it is more exercise than I am used to getting . This is a quiet time , after the family things are done , but before I start my evening cleaning , etc . It has worked well , except that I do have a TV by my exercise machine and I always end up starting right when the commercials are on . I do feel better now that I am exercising . Maybe soon I will change to ten minutes a day . The girls have been in school for over a week . They now have lockers and are more used to their schedules . Beth wanted a locker so that she could tape her schedule to it . Then she would know which books she needed and when each class was . The girls do have homework this year . Last year the Junior High and High School had study hall during the last class and could get their homework done . If they had a question , there was a teacher there that could help them . This year they don 't have any study halls . We have a pine tree planted in the back yard that we take with us every time that we move . William received it on Arbor Day from his grade school . We planted it in the yard . Soon after this we decided to move . We were outside trying to figure out which plants to take with us . William looked at his pine tree and I asked him if he wanted to take it with us . He said yes . I know that pine trees aren 't usually moved , but it was still so new , so I figured that if we moved it once , at this early stage , it would be OK . We took it to the next house , and when we moved here , we dug it up again . I am guessing that we have cut the tap root so it has stayed small , about three feet tall . It is very healthy . I had a goal for my free time over the Labor Day weekend . I was going to write some thoughts down for future blogs . It was a nice goal and very simple . It didn 't work . On Friday night I started a list of things to do over the weekend so that we wouldn 't forget anything . Writing was on the list , as well as things like . . . play , match outfits , make sandwiches , etc . and really big goals that I want to do like clean out my closet . We did do the necessary ones , like match the outfits and make lunches , but then we started to play and do other things that were never on the list . We did weed the backyard and fill the bird feeder . I need my list , it helps me stay directed , but sometimes I don 't finish it . Maybe next weekend I can look at this list again . . . or maybe I will make a new one . Beth and her friend across the street exchanged birthday gifts last weekend . Their birthday 's aren 't for a couple of months , but they had their gifts for each other so they exchanged early . Beth gave posters and pictures of movie stars from a magazine and she received a statue of a bird , over a nest . The nest is open on top so that items can be put on it . . . the nest looks like a gourd with holes in it for the bird to go in to make a nest . I think that it is ceramic . Beth wanted help to decide what to put in the nest . . . not a necklace or a toy , but something that says ' ' I 'm older now ' ' . I suggested marbles , to look like eggs . She said no , she wanted something that said that she was growing up . We decided on a list of things that Beth wants to do when she gets older : future goals , like driving and going out with friends . This idea made her happy . The girls cleaned out the frogs container yesterday . They put the three frogs in a different container and took another container outside to put the crickets in . They also found some baby crickets in the container . Today we matched up uniforms for next week . Both of the girls are missing one uniform . We know that the clothes are in the house . It is very frustrating to misplace the uniforms . Some families loose one sock in the dryer , we loose whole outfits somewhere in the house . William has said that he likes college and wants to continue on with it . . . instead of finishing this term and getting a job . So now he will start the financial aid search . He does look so content when he comes out of school . The family that was going to see our house didn 't show up . They had an emergency and didn 't have our number to call us . They have re - scheduled to see our house next week . The kids were so helpful last night in getting the house ready for a showing . Beth has been trying to ride two scooters at the same time . Her balance is good . When she gets them moving she can stay on and steer . The problem is that when she needs more speed , she doesn 't like to take one foot off . Beth is still perfecting this skill . Maggie found some seed pods on the hasta plants . I didn 't know that hasta 's had seeds . I thought that they only produced flowers . Today started out normal enough . Everyone got up for school . School went well . When we came home , we needed to have dinner , pick up William at college at 7 : 00 , do homework , and play . There were messages on the machine . Someone wanted to wee the house in a half hour . Oh . . . also , Maggie had a project to do . A poster with information and pictures which she needed the Internet for . We had dinner , it had been made last night so we heated it up , picked up the house and vacuumed it quickly and went to the library . Beth and I read magazines while Maggie looked up information . We left there and picked up William and went back to the library . The family might still have been at our house . Maggie did the written part of her report and William , Beth and I read . Then we went home . I have not heard yet if they liked the house . It was hot last weekend . It hasn 't rained here for about two weeks . Everyone 's grass is turning brown . We try to stay in the shade as much as possible . The girls had their bikes and scooters out . One of the kids across the street now , sometimes , brings out a radio . Sometimes they listen to the music that I grew up with . I don 't think that they realize that it is from way back when . If I don 't sing out loud , they don 't realize that I know the words , and they leave the music on . William is enjoying college . He doesn 't say much , but he looks happy . Yesterday when I picked him up after class , he got in the car and said in a cheery voice ' ' Hi ' ' , It was so full of . . I had a great day . . or , class went well . . . or , I made a friend . . . It was a happy , full , Hello . I waited for more . William looked out the window . He is a young man of few words . The girls have started junior high . The school didn 't have enough locks for their lockers , so they have brought all of their school supplies back home . They are hoping to have lockers in a few days . The girls started Junior High today . We had everyone 's clothes all laid out , and their snacks in their lunch bags , and their sandwiches made and in the freezer . . . but Beth had left her shoes at someones house from the weekend ( she took her tennis shoes and her flip - flops , and only came back with the flip - flops ) . We didn 't realize that the other shoes were missing until it was time to leave in the morning . We checked all of the shoes in the house for a pair that came close to her size . Maggie had a pair of high tops , Beth was able to wrap the laces around her ankles to keep them on . She said that the shoes fit pretty well . Her shoes were brought back after school . We take a picture ( or two ) of the kids on the first and last day of school . When they are older I am going to put them all into a picture frame to see in pictures how they grew . School went well . Maggie is used to changing classes from last year . It was all new to Beth . The day did go well . We got school supplies tonight . Last week at dinner I asked the kids to tell me the things that they wanted for their birthday 's . They have birthday 's late in the year . I can use the list for Christmas presents too . If the list can be made early enough , then all of the shopping can be done before the weather turns cold . I don 't like to shop when it is cold out . They started out slow . . . " I don 't know what I want ' ' . . . ' ' I only want three things ' ' . . . but they soon got the hang of it . I like to have a decently long list so that there is a better chance that I will be able to find some of the things when the shopping begins . The kids rank the items when we are done so that I know what they would like to have the most . Yesterday the girls decided to glue some of their Popsicle sticks together . Maggie has started building a house out of a cardboard box . The Popsicle sticks are going to be a shed for the yard . She is deciding if there will be one shed or two . Beth has a previous art project of colored stones glued to a piece of cardboard . She is gluing the the stones on that have fallen off . William isn 't interested in gluing Popsicle sticks together any more . The girls start school on Monday . They are very excited . We assembled their clothes for next week . This year they are wearing uniforms , so this is much easier . . . there are fewer decisions . They get all of their clothes lay ed out for the week . They put their pants down first and put the other clothes on top of them . When the pants are folded up it makes a nice neat packet of clothes . I keep the packets in my room and we get one packet out each day . Also , we make our sandwiches for the week and put them in the freezer . Most things can be frozen , like peanut butter and jelly and bologna and cheese . The only things that I know that can 't be frozen are tomatoes and lettis and mayonnaise . The sandwiches are still OK on Friday . I also prepack the snacks into sandwich bags . The kids can choose what they want each night and put them into their lunch bags , and I put the sandwiches in in the morning . This frees up our evenings for homework and play . If I have a chance I will plan the dinners for the week . We are almost ready to go outside and play . William signed up for college last weekend . He is going full time at the Community College , and has finished his application to the college that he wants to go away to . William is a quiet , steady person . He never states the obvious , like that the weather is nice , because he says that people can look outside and see that for themselves . After we signed him up for classes , when we got home , he said ' ' I 'm going to college ' ' in an excited voice . The happiness kept getting larger . He said that he was pleased , and on Sunday William told me that he was starting college the next day . After school on Monday , we waited for him to tell us how it went . Nothing . No information . We 're girls , we like information and talking . William didn 't say anything . So . . . I asked how it went . He said ' ' Fine . ' ' We spent a year on this , toured around five colleges and fretted about William and it is ' ' Fine . ' ' . He has said that he has found the library and seen a friend from high school . William looks very happy . He was ready for college . We had the sprinkler on today . Maggie likes to ride her bike through it and Beth likes to stand in it . The child across the street does not have chicken pox ! ! ! I am very happy . The doctor said that she was having an allergic reaction to something . It would be difficult to have the kids pulled out of school even before school had started . Maggie 's birthday is coming up . She wants Transformers and / or a harmonica ( with directions ) . I need to get them this weekend so that I am ready . We can get the cake and ice cream later , but I like to have the presents ahead . When school starts I want to put the kids into a sport . They were in basketball last year and they really enjoyed it . I think that it would be a great sport for this year too . Beth has been drawing on the sidewalk . She has a few pictures . She likes to write all of the names of her friends and then color around them . One of the neighbor kids across the street has something that looks like chicken pox . Her mom came over and showed it to me . She said that most of her kids , including this one , had already had chicken pox . Can people get it twice ? My kids had it years ago . Can they get it again ? It was very uncomfortable for them , they itched a lot . When they find out what it is , they will come back and tell us . We went bike riding last weekend . The folding bike was good and not so good . It was so nice to not have to put four bikes on a three bike bike rack . But , the folding bike has easy close levers to hold the handle bars and seat in place after the rider adjusts them to the correct height . . . the levers slip . The handlebars weren 't so bad because not much weight is put on them , but if I bumped them when I got off of the bike , they turned and were not at the correct angle to the tires . The seat also kept lowering . I am going to contact the company and see if they have a solution . It was so nice to be able to put the bike into the trunk and not to have to wrestle with the bike rack , that we will find a way to make this work . My alarm clock still reads that it is January , but on the up side , the clock does say Saturday . It was cooler last night . Soon we will need to get the blankets out of storage . I am not ready for Fall yet . The kids are having so much fun bike riding and wearing sandals and doing all of the summer activities . I miss the flowers when winter comes . This year we will have some mums that bloom in the fall , and some snowdrops that bloom in January or February , right through the snow . If we are still in the house when the ground is about to freeze , we are going to plant garlic . It grows over the winter . . . or maybe it just sits there and grows in the spring . In the spring the green shoots come up out of the planted garlic and when they die and turn yellow , the garlic is done . I went outside tonight , the moon was out and it was orange . I don 't know if I have ever seen an orange moon before . I was outside with my new atomic clock . I have one atomic clock . . . an atomic clock sends a signal to the national clock somewhere in the west and brings back the correct time . The clock is always set correctly , even during time changes ( as long as the batteries are good ) . . . but I needed a second clock in case I didn 't hear the first one . I am not sure that it is healthy to have the clocks waves going out by my head every night every two minutes . I hope that it doesn 't cause brain damage . . . but I am guessing that it is OK and have purchased a second clock . The second one hasn 't sent out a signal yet . We have had it for about two weeks . I set the time , and thought that it would set the date . It hasn 't . The directions said that if the clock didn 't send out a signal , take it outside at night , that is when it would get the best reception , and leave the clock outside for two minutes . The clock and I were outside for four minutes . The date still says January . I did feel silly on the front porch with my clock . . . but the moon was pretty . I don 't really need the date on this clock , my other clock has the date . . . so . . . I am not going to set it . I may set the clock outside another night . Maggie likes to stay up at night and read . Sometimes she reads two books at a time . . . one book one day and one book the next . Beth finished a book this summer . William has been working on his essay . He hopes to have it done soon . The weather is starting to turn cooler each morning . I like the summer . Someone came to look at the house last week . We haven 't heard yet what they thought about it . We planted more grass seed last week in the front yard where the tree was taken down . Some grass had sprouted from the last planting . If someone is two houses down from ours , that area looks like it has grass . But . . . when someone is right by it , there are a lot of bare spots . We have put more grass seed in and bought a sprinkler . This is the first time that we have ever watered the yard . It has not rained for at least two weeks . We watered two days straight . Then it started raining again , about every other day . I have put the sprinkler away . On Friday 's I like to look back at my week and see if I accomplished any . . . or all . . . of that weeks goals . Even if my goal was to play one week , I like to look back and see if I did it . I like to make goals for the weekend too . Then I can check on Monday and see if they were done . It is important to me to see that I am always making progress . Beth had her hair in two ponytails today . Then later she changed to one . When the girls were young they used to have me do their hair . . . now they like to do their own hair . Kids grow up so fast . |
On the first day of school , Nola Mae and I took a bike ride to town to run errands . I needed to do lots of things this day , grocery shopping , library , bank , post office , drop something off at school and most importantly get exercise and get away from the house so I wasn 't thinking about missing my boys . Our way home was a lot of work for me … 27 pound child , 15 pound bike trailer , 75 pounds of groceries and library books . I have planned to dye my hair a non - traditional color ( purple ) for many months . I finally got around to doing it and it faded to pink ( not one of my favorite colors ) . In the last month I have considered chopping my hair just twice to get rid of it . When my mom first saw me after I dyed my hair , she joked with me that my fabric dyes got in my hair . Now , I am feeling like I will keep it for a while . Next , I will attempt purple and maybe more colors . Charlie turned a bowl with Jack . He took his unfinished bowl to school to show his teacher . Charlie was eager to finish it and then took it back to school . One day I was looking for Charlie 's bowl to take a photo . He told me he gave it to his teacher . We got together with all the Vater cousins this month , unfortunately because Grandpa Neil passed away . It was wonderful to see our kids having a blast with their cousins , and visit with the cousins we don 't see very much . Nola Mae and I missed out on the last family gathering because she was sick . I am not interested in doing the math on when I last saw Jack 's cousins from CA , it was sometime when Ben was still a little boy . When Ben opened his mouth I just about died , because he had a man 's voice , not a little boy anymore ! Ben is the tallest man in the Vater family . Nola Mae loves to put clothes on , take them off , and put extra layers of clothing . While I was taking a shower Nola Mae climbed on the counter and was putting socks on and taking them off . I took this picture with the intention of doing a blog post with all the photos I have collected of her in her many outfits . Everything was going great . You can see all the socks on the floor that she had on and took off . Then she got stuck in these blue socks , that is when things started to get UGLY ! Exactly , one minute later … I knew Henry was outside on the deck . I heard sounds of a trombone . I was afraid he snuck Robbie 's trombone upstairs and outside . I was relieved , happy and very excited to see him making music with the vacuum cleaner hose , rather than the $ 754 trombone ! Four days before my birthday a wonderful gift arrived at our house - a spiral ham and caramel popcorn ! I was delighted , ham is one of our favorite things . Especially , mine because one ham goes a long way here . If I am remembering correctly this ham gave us at least four meals , fillings for additional meals , made awesome snacks and were added to cold lunches for boys . The very last of this ham will be eaten sometime this fall when I make my favorite soup ! On September 11th , Nola Mae and I drove to Milwaukee to see my sister , Emily . Earlier in the week she was admitted to the hospital for liver failure and the talk was " she isn 't going home until she gets a new liver " . Her MELD Score was so high , she was on the top of the liver transplant list for the Midwest . As the week progressed and she got more fluids and antibiotics she was feeling and looking better . I was thankful to see her in better spirits and health later in the week so that when and if a new liver came to her she would be strong enough to make it through a transplant . On Monday , September 15th , around 4 : 30 AM Emily was told that there is an organ donor who is a perfect match for her . I am pretty sure this was the longest day in her entire life . It sure was for me ! The staff took her to surgery for the liver transplant at 5 : 30 PM . If I am remembering correctly , I got the call at 12 : 21 AM , on the 16th , telling me that her surgery was done and she will be heading to ICU . I spent the day before my birthday glued to my computer and close to the phone waiting for any news on Emily 's transplant . I didn 't get much sleep that night and woke up for my birthday in a zombie - like state . I knew Emily was sedated , well cared for in ICU and I needed to get the heck out of my house ! IT was MY birthday and I wanted my special coffee and I wanted to use my 60 % & 50 % off coupons at JoAnn Fabrics ! So Nola Mae and I went to town ! The boys ( & Jack ) gave me a package of socks , these awesome rubber boots and something else . I can 't remember what the third thing was . I love my new boots and wear them every day ! Usually my garlic gets planted in October . The planting window for garlic in Wisconsin is mid - September to November . I remember this because my birthday is the beginning of this planting window and my brother 's birthday , which is at the end of October , is my absolute last day for planting garlic . This fall , I started planting my garlic before my birthday and then finished planting 200 + cloves of garlic the day after my birthday . Every year I find a pair of Walking Sticks in my raspberry patch . They are always attached to each other every time I see them . This time I happened to have the camera with me and when I bumped them , they came apart and I took this photo . " Cleansing Calendula " , with essential oils : Lavender & Tea Tree and ground Calendula flowers for a great exfoliation . Aroma : Soft , floral . Benefits : Renewing , cleansing , stimulating . Then the snow started to melt . Henry has learned about spring - time at school ( and at home of course ) . He thinks spring should be here already : He told me today ( April 30th ) , when I told him it was time to go outside , " I am not going outside when all that grey stuff is in the sky . And that fog is yucky . It has to be light out there and then I will want to go outside . " These things sure are the ugliest cupcakes I have ever decorated . I was pretty embarrassed sending them to school with Henry . And was reassured that four and five year olds don 't really care . At the end of the day I found out there were extras and he delivered one to Charlie 's 1st grade teacher , Charlie 's current teacher , and one to Robbie 's teacher . Now I am really embarrassed ! On a positive note this was the first cake decorating project I have done in the last two years where Nola Mae wasn 't crying or needed to be worn . I turned her around to face forward in her car seat . She wasn 't unhappy facing backwards , now that she is two she is okay face forwards in her car seat . Often I noticed her cranking her neck around so she could look out the front window . Now she just tells me " go that way " . When we were getting ready to go out to ski Nola Mae wanted to wear her baby . So I wrapped them both . I think this is one of my favorite baby wearing photos , minus my eyes being closed because the sun was so bright . All three boys had a friend 's birthday party to attend . Two birthday parties landed on the same day , the same weekend Jack 's canoeing trip was scheduled for , and the same day I needed to work at the ski hill for our big spring trail run . Grandma Hanna saved the day ! She played with the kids , transported them to the birthday parties , visited the library , and cleaned the messiest parts of my house . Charlie 's friend got a store - bought gift , which I thought was kind of boring . I don 't have many good ideas for a homemade gift after all of their friends get a pillow case . And they are too old to have fun with capes . When Charlie saw the gift I bought for his friend he asked " how come you didn 't buy two ? " I asked him , " Why , does it look like it is going to break right away ? " No , Charlie wanted one for himself . Robbie and I made this Minecraft TNT pillowcase together , which was perfect for that boy ! I walked into the party and saw Minecraft stuff everywhere . That mom put on a pretty amazing Minecraft themed party like no body 's business ! This was the first year we had enough of our own brown eggs to dye . I saved them so they were " old " eggs like the store - bought eggs in order for them to peel nicely . They peeled nicely and they were the most beautiful shades we have ever had . I spent a total of $ 27 on our Easter treats / gifts this year . Each boy got a small gift with a small amount of candy in their basket . Charlie learned how to make those rubber band bracelets using his two fingers from a girl on the bus . This sweet girl has given him many handfuls of rubber bands . So I decided he should get a couple of bags of his own . Robbie and Henry were very excited about the cool colorful socks they got . And then one or both parents come to class towards the end of one day for 30 minutes to talk about their work , hobbies and / or interests . I did a little demonstration on cake decorating with Robbie 's class when he was in 2nd grade , so Charlie wanted to do the same thing . Extra bonus is that at the end of our time everyone got to decorate their own cupcake . I talked about sewing with Charlie and my sewing . I brought the shirt Charlie sewed when he was 5 years old and Charlie 's baby quilt to show them . I had a few other quilts in my bag , if they seemed interested . Charlie 's teacher , Mr . Wester , knows how to facilitate the short time you have with the class so it is organized , purposeful in ways of giving the students opportunities to be respectful , thoughtful and polite while practicing communication skills . Mr . Wester asked Charlie to introduce me and Nola Mae , he had everyone sitting on the carpet to focus on Charlie and our talk . I am sure they are well - practiced since it is April already . The questions the kids had for me and for Charlie were impressive . My favorite question was from a boy . He asked something to the effect " what was the most important subject in school for you to be good at sewing ? " Thankfully , I had the " right " answer … " Math " . He slapped his leg and said , " WHY DOES EVERYONE SAY MATH ! ! ! ! ? " It was cute ! I was able to pull out my current quilt that I am working on and explained to them the math I needed to do to figure out the spacing of many different colors . It was a perfect " math " example ! I forgot to point out where I made some measuring mistakes . I had so much fun ! I thanked Mr . Wester for taking the time to do this with all the families because it was so nice to come to the classroom . I hope that all the other families that had their VIP Day felt as excited and as important as I did being Charlie 's mom . I am slowly adjusting to the fact that boys wrestle . I never did that with my sisters or brother . I became more open about wrestling when I saw home videos of my sister - in - law and her sisters wrestling . Here Charlie is on top , which isn 't always the case . Sewing time is supposed to be fun and peaceful . The month started off great . I was able to make a few things with ruffles ( see my post " I Love Ruffles " ) . And then my sewing time became unpredictable and limited . Nola Mae hasn 't been napping well and seems to know when I sneak away to the sewing room . I have wanted to take a picture of her on my sewing table for a long time . This day I had the camera and was able to get this shot : Sometimes it is stressful when she is in the sewing room with me . Because she wants to be on the table . If I am sewing at the machine I sometimes let her sit there and she plays with the buttons and papers . She learned on her own to leave the spool rack alone because once it tipped over and it scared her . A very enjoyable sewing project for me was coming up with this valance for someone who found my blog when she was searching for Minecraft things for her son 's bedroom . She was looking for a Minecraft Creeper valance . This is the design I came up with , 5 ft long and 17 inches tall : And in the last week of this month I dyed these things . The fabric squares are muslin , with a base color of light green - my first attempt was a total flop . So over dyeing with Dylon Blue Jeans looks okay . I expected better results . While doing that dye project I slowly dipped this tank top in the dye bath , you can see a gradual change in the shades of blue , if you look closely . I am not sure what brought this on . This is actually one of the first times she has done this . That 's the reason for the photo . I hate making cookies because I don 't like messing with the oven and cookies every 8 - 10 minutes , plus I eat a bunch of warm ones throughout the process . The boys love cookies . My latest and greatest idea is to make a triple batch of cookies and separate the batch into small logs ( enough for 1 dozen cookies ) , wrap them in wax paper and freeze them . These cookie dough logs are larger than I usually do because I didn 't have any wax paper . I am not sure how well they will keep in the freezer with just plastic wrap , so we will have to use them up quickly . I also left out enough for us to have two pans of cookies this time . I am ending this month with a cold . I had two very worthless days . I am drinking lots of water , mullein tea and eating garlic and extra vitamin D . We were here five years ago . We took this photo inside this tree trunk ( Henry was in my belly and Charlie and Henry were so little and so cute ) . This year we did the same pose , notice the difference in the tree trunk . On my birthday ( because I wanted to sleep in ) I took the boys to school . When I came home I notice one of the power lines in front of our house was down . Thankfully it was a wire that was not " live " . I called the electric company to tell them and secretly hoped my favorite linemen would show up . I have a couple of favorites because I use to work there many years ago . Did they know it was my birthday ? My two favorite guys showed up ! My mom and Helen helped take care of the kids while Jack and I went to dinner and stayed late for visiting . Robbie and Charlie slept over at Helen 's house . We left Nola Mae and Henry at my mom 's at 4 : 30 and came home at 12 : 30 . This was the longest amount of time I have ever been away from Nola Mae . She woke up looking for me just as we were coming down the road . I didn 't get to braiding my garlic this year before it really dried out . So the stems got chopped and I put a notice on Facebook that I had garlic for sale and 11 . 5 pounds sold within six hours . Thank you to all my friends , enjoy ! On September 20th we picked all our Honey Crisp apples . I wanted them to stay on the trees a little longer but with every windy day many would fall off the tree . Our other tree is still loaded and I will be picking those later in October to make applesauce . I got out my baby wearing vest for one of our hikes . It was chilly but not chilly enough for me . It was perfect for keeping Nola Mae warm . My Uncle Carl from California came to visit this month . He was able to spend an afternoon / evening at our house . Nola Mae warmed up to him very quickly . Our family went to Big Falls to play in the rapids on a really hot day . It was the busiest I have ever seen the place . There were about 30 other people there , usually we are the only ones . There is a zip - line there where most of the people were . I would love for the boys to try it some day . 2 ) Jack built a gate for us ( my request ) . For some reason our road is a toddler magnet . Every one of our kids loved sprinting to the road . Maybe it is the thrill of Mama or Papa chasing after them . We have had the W - 9 since our first year living here . It was a tractor of Jack 's dad 's . We used it to break ground for our veggie garden and that is about it . It is a big tractor . We also owned a Farmall H that was useful to us for moving firewood and cleaning the barn . We decided to sell them both . It was sad for me to see them go . I found some hay ! I am thinking this will be the last winter I buy hay for my horse . She may need to die or find a new home . I have fond memories of all the sweat and dust of baling hay on my Step - Dad 's farm . I had a fun time with Robbie and Charlie going to get this hay . I pulled them away from the computer to help me one evening . We drove to the field where the hay was baled and loaded up two loads of 25 bales each . And then they helped unload it . In the truck on the way to get our second load Charlie said , " This is fun ! " My friends and I ordered a total of 170 pounds of blueberries from Country Corner Sales for $ 2 . 05 / lb . Last year I paid $ 2 . 53 / lb . Not very often can you say , " The price went down this year ! " The pick - you - own blueberry farm is charging $ 2 . 50 / lb ( $ 0 . 25 more than what they charged last year ) . I boiled eggs one day and went outside before they were ready to be taken off the heat . I got this exploded egg . It looks like a chicken head to me . What do you see ? Charlie has been wanting to bike to town ( a round trip is 10 miles ) all summer . We have only done a 4 . 5 mile loop in our neighborhood a few times . With complaints and many water stops most of the way . On this day I added a 2 mile loop , totaling 6 . 5 miles , to test them out for a trip to town . I hooked up the train for a bike ride . Henry on the tag - along attached to my bike and Nola Mae in the Burley attached to the tag - along . Robbie couldn 't find his shoes so he biked in socks . Charlie was just plain crabby about the whole idea . A few days later , we went to town on our bikes . Charlie was pumped . Robbie was tired before we started . They raced almost the whole way and I had a hard time keeping up with them . It took us 36 minutes to go the 5 miles . We had a picnic at the park , then dropped off some of my healing balm at a friend 's house and at the pharmacy . The pharmacist is testing it to see if they want to stock it on their shelves . We went to the library for some books on CD for our trip to Milwaukee and then to the ice cream shop . On the way home Charlie was so tired I considered dropping his bike off at my friend 's house ( 3 miles from our house ) , putting Henry in the trailer with Nola Mae and having Charlie ride on the tag - along . Nola Mae was sleeping and Charlie seemed better after more water . When we were two miles from home Charlie figured out a way to hold onto the bike trailer / stroller 's handle bars with one hand and his handle bars with the other . He peddled while holding on and there were times I could feel him pushing me and other times when I was pulling him . He said he would let go when a car was coming and while going up and down the hills . I could have sworn he was holding on when we were climbing that last hill to our house and I looked back and he wasn 't . Henry is a good peddler on the tag - along . It took us 48 minutes to get home . Often I find Nola Mae walking around with a pen ( or whatever writing utensil she can find ) and paper . Maybe she will be a writer . She sat with Java for a long time as if she was interviewing her . My friend , Lynn , gave me this cute dress for Nola Mae . I have been wanting to take a cute picture of her in the dress for Lynn . Nola Mae has been getting the dress dirty before I could get a photo taken . This is an example of how quick I can be with the camera . I was in the kitchen , my camera is usually there , I turned around and saw Nola Mae doing this … Nola Mae comes out the chicken coop with me often , she is usually on my back , this time she was walking with me . I feed them and then collect the eggs , so I am not tripping over them or getting pecked when I am stealing eggs . Nola Mae decided to eat with the chickens . I have a friend who got married the same weekend as the Liver Walk . Earlier this year she asked me if I was interested in making her wedding cake . I seriously considered it . I knew she was having a small wedding and she would be the kind of bride I could work with . My only concern was having the time to make the cake . During the week of her wedding I was sad to not be making her wedding cake . I started making a triple layered 9 inch round cake for my nephew 's graduation party . I needed Nola Mae to be busy for a little while so I could mix the cake by letting her play with the water on a chair AT the sink . NOT in the sink ! We went to the Liver Walk and had a graduation party for my nephew afterwards . I made snake bubbles and they were a hit with all the little kids and even the big kids . How to make snake bubbles : Cut off the bottom of a plastic bottle ( soda or water bottle ) . I have gotten braver with my soaps . I purchased more essential oils this spring and made this soap in early June . It turned out beautiful , this has cinnamon and orange essential oils with ground cinnamon . If you like cinnamon smelling things you would love this ! I bought this fabric at a rummage sale . It is the perfect weave for a wrap . I serged the edges and used it for weeks until I finally hemmed it . It is shorter than my other wraps and there is only enough room for me to do a Rucksack carry tied under the bum ( A . K . A . RUB ) . I have learned that I love it for very fast ups and downs and escaping out from the fabric when laying down Nola Mae . I am in a babywearing group on facebook . Each week they do a " carry of the week " . A great way to learn a new carry or in this case a new tie off . This is a double hammock carry with a salt water tie with my Zara Velvet wrap . My recent weeks have not been very productive . A friend asked me to make her some diaper liners . It was what I needed to get motivated to get back into my sewing room . I worked on my " container " and came up with this cloth bowl . Since it seemed lame to me , comparing it to what Jack was contributing . I filled my cloth bowl with extra goodies , like honey , tea , my homemade soap and body balm . Snow shoeing has been fun with the boys . Robbie is the super snow shoer ! We have been working hard at packing our trails so we can ski on them too . Henry had his preschool Christmas program this week . He ( like all our kids ) is not a performer . He just stood in the front row with a smile on his face . In the days before and after the program he has proven to me that he can sing the songs , just not in front of all the parents . I learned of breast milk popsicle for teething babies . I bought some little plastic shot glasses , pumped some of my milk and froze it with a Q - tip for the stick . Nola Mae was a little crabby one day and I just couldn 't tell what was going on with her . I remembered the popsicle that I made and gave her one . It did the trick because she was very busy working on the popsicle until it was gone . We went to The Paine Art Center for the Ansel Adams ' exhibit . In the children 's area the activity was to make a Frankenstein head . They had the blank green heads already made out of milk jugs . Here is one last photo of " yours mullein " with the leaves harvested . I needed to explain to Henry that I don 't want it cut down because I want the seeds to fall on the ground and plant more mullein . I was able to redirect his attention to job we were in the garden for … cutting broccoli . Sunday , August 12th : For some reason I forgot to include these photos in Week 32 's post . We picked Robbie up from his sleepover in the morning on our way to Stevens Point . He was the only boy out of many to get an injury - a banged up knee . We met Grandpa Rob in Stevens Point with the bikes . Henry , Nola Mae and I did the shuttling for their bike trip on the Green Circle trail . Grandpa Rob , Jack and the two older boys biked 5 miles from one park to another . Henry was sad that they were leaving without him , so I took him to the south side of the park they were departing . I loved his excitement when he first spotted them . This is the snake we found at the park in Whiting while waiting for the bikers to meet us for our picnic lunch . An Eastern Hognose . This gives me the willies looking at it again . I really do not like snakes . I asked Jack to try to find out what kind of snake it was . He found this website . I was horrified to see the many different kinds of snakes in WI . Mom , you shouldn 't go to that link ! We have been letting the boys sleep in our room this summer . They have a nest on the floor at the foot of our bed . When it is hard for them to settle down to fall asleep they ( usually Robbie ) they are separated and one boy is sent to their room . Tonight it was Robbie who was sent to a different room . Robbie wanted a second chance so he must have written this note to Charlie . I found this paper airplane in my room in the morning . My book club meeting was tonight . We read ( attempted to read ) Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy . Our host had the great idea to dress up as if we were going to a ball . ( I don 't have a breastfeeding friendly ball gown ) Friday , May 11th : In the early morning hours I woke up freezing . I thought it was cold in our house and asked Jack to cuddle with me to warm me up . He told me I was burning hot , what a great husband ! I also had a head ache and aches throughout my body , these were clues to me that Jack wasn 't being sweet he was just telling it like it is . Jack offered to get the boys ready for school and on the bus . I declined because I didn 't feel too badly and I promised to drive them to school this morning . I was able to get an extra hour of sleep by driving them . It took all the energy I had to get them to school . I was hoping to hit some rummage sales ( our city - wide rummage sale ) this morning after dropping them off at school , didn 't happen ! I dropped them off and went straight home and right to the couch in the living room . I felt like I would die on the couch it was so bad . I was thankful that Henry is independent enough to make food for himself . He made a bagel , ate some fruit from the counter and filled the rest of his belly with the candy that he could reach , like my last four caramels I had hidden in the pantry . Jack called me around 9 : 00 to see how I was doing and offered to come home . At that point I was feeling bad but not too badly . I was up once and warmed up the chicken noodle soup that my mom sent home with Jack last Sunday . Henry and I ate that before I got really sick . I called Jack back around 10 : 30 to tell him I was worse and that he should cancel our plans for the night and told him that I could still handle things with Henry until he got home . Henry was staying close to me or playing nicely in the toy room . After that I got worse and couldn 't think straight to call anyone , just thought about it and wished that my mom or mother - in - law or step - mom lived close . I could hear everything Henry was doing / getting into , the only dangerous thing was the hatchet in the mudroom . I was able to stop him from chopping firewood without getting off the couch , because I really couldn 't get up . I asked Henry to bring me the camera because I wanted a picture of Nola Mae . It was one of my tricks to get him to come see me and distract him from getting into whatever I thought he was doing at the time . He snapped this horrible picture of me and this one of Nola Mae . I was thankful and hated the fact that I have such an independent three - year old . He brought me water , the Tylenol bottle , diapers and got into many things that wouldn 't happen if I was able to follow him around . I was thankful I had a 5 week old baby that needed to nurse and sleep the day away . When Jack came home he found a horrible mess everywhere . I wish I had photos of all Henry 's messes . They would show what I prevent every day from happening . The first and only question Jack asked when he walked in the door , " Who was working on an art project in the kitchen ? " I think after that he realized that Henry was the one to blame for the rest of the messes . Sunday , May 13th : I was feeling well by this morning . I put Nola Mae on my back and we planted onions in the garden . She slept for about two hours when I woke her up to nurse . Monday , April 9th : Today I posted a short post with info on our new baby girl with no name . Click here to see that post . Then our computer crashed . One of my cousin who seemed as surprised as I was that I gave birth to a daughter ( my first time writing that word ) was wondering if the arrival of a girl in our house and our computer crashing was a sign that the world was coming to an end . I had the most wonderful visit at Jack & Jenny 's today . I was greeted by Henry running across the yard ( in a shirt , underwear , & boots - his usual attire ) with arms out - stretched , yelling , " GRANNY , GRANNY " . I 've never had quite a welcome as that . He was very helpful all day as we washed & hung up clothes , swept & mopped floors , he helped with cooking , and when I said I had some things in the car to be brought in , he was out the door before I turned around . He found some Smarties in my bag and of course I told them they were for him . We found a place for them in the pantry and he helped himself to them all day . He stayed in the kitchen to eat them where his Mama couldn 't see him . He still had some birthday cake left and he had to show me his rainbow cake . I asked him which color was his favorite and he pointed to the white frosting ! After supper he had candles in his cake and we all sang Happy Birthday , including Henry . Then Mama ( Jenny ) suggested we sing Happy Birthday to the baby because she is one day old . Robbie got out his music and played Happy Birthday on the piano for the baby . And he played very well . Robbie hugged me like he wanted to - not because he was told to . He was quite taken with his new little sister . He 'd smile so sweetly at her as he held her . He said he made up a song for her and sang it to her . I haven 't heard it yet , but I think Jenny got it on video . Jenny spilled a glass of water and before anyone could ask , Charlie was running for a towel to wipe up the spill . He was all sweetness . He read a book to Henry and showed me his glow - in - the - dark tattoo that looked like it moved when he wiggled his fingers . When Robbie was sitting behind me on the chair holding the baby he said , " I hope she won 't be a bossy sister . Some girls act they are a queen or something . " Charlie came over by us and heard the last part about the queen and said , " Then we 'll be her subjects and have to protect her . And of course she 'll have to get a husband . " Is there a Harry Potter influence ? Helen had come the morning she was born , though just missed her birth . Today ( Monday ) she took Robbie and Charlie to piano lessons in the morning and then later in the afternoon they went to Susie 's library . I was told that everybody loves to go to " Susie 's Library . " Poor Henry was a little sad that he couldn 't go , but he napped most of the time they were gone . The whole day went by with only one altercation - Henry got a little carried away with his light sword and whacked poor Robbie in the head . Not intentionally , of course , and there was no retaliation . Maybe this little girl will bring a bit of calm to a house full of boys . Besides the fun day with the boys and lots of time holding the new baby , I had a nice visit with Jack , Helen , and of course Jenny . Jenny looks very well . Jack took a bunch of pictures of all of us together before I left . Tuesday , April 10th : The two older boys went back to school after their short spring break . The house was a lot more quiet . In the evening Grandpa Rob came to meet Nola Mae . Jack was sick with the flu in the middle of the night . I was thankful Helen was here , I just hope she doesn 't get sick . |
He woke up because of the movement the train made when it came to a halt . People started to get up from their sits and reach for luggage that was safely stored over their heads . The sun went through the curtained windows in the whirl on glowing dust . Outside there were delicate arches of Grand Central in New York and bustling crowds of comers and goers . He bent over to pick up the newspaper he dropped while asleep , when he saw an envelope lying on the table . Inside there was a piece of paper with just one line " I know who you are " . Of course , he understood what it is about . After all it was extremely difficult to hide under the guise of a simple trader . But now it was much easier " to be just a simple trader " than to be the person he was in fact . He turned over a new leaf ; he did away with what he had been doing before … he wanted to believe it . Once started with petty theft , eighteen - year - old Jerry Korvez decided to play at large . And he paid the price for the five years of his life . The world changed slightly when he had regained freedom . There was nothing to do , and he was never going to return to normal life . But maybe . . . take a chance again ? So , he did it . He found his old childhood friend with whom they were engaged in petty thefts . Jerry asked him to give him a chance . Marty decided not to refuse him , he had expected it . Marty knew his friend better than others . He was sure that Jerry would return . Now Marty Hiell had the authority which had been acquired during the absence of his friend . He could give Jerry another chance . Is it a petty theft again ? Oh , no . Just now Jerry had the chance to do something that he had never done before . Since childhood little Jerry Korvez has been interested in weapons . From his father 's old gun he fired at the bottles and targets . But the guns were not his true passion . On the thirteenth birthday his father who was a former military man gave him the rifle in the hope that one day his Jerry will become a superior military . But hopes of Korvez Senior were not destined toWhen he was twenty - five Jerry became the most famous and popular killer in the criminal world . He got everything he wanted so much : money , a kind of fame and power . It was the life that he liked . But there is one very well - known rule in life : everything must be paid for . And life made Jerry to pay . One day he and his friend Marty got a particularly important task . But everything ended not as they expected : only Jerry returned home alive . Marty died in his arms , and the task remained unfulfilled . The death of a friend broke Jerry . At that moment he made a decision : to sheath his rifle , forget about the criminal world and start another life . But before doing this he had to finish what he and Marty left uncompleted . In very short terms Jerry found a man whose life he had to pick up , fulfilled the task and took revenge for his friend . It was the last job of Jerry Korvez . And now after 10 years , an arms dealer Jerry Richard Korvez Junior decided to visit New York , the city of his past . He has recently come here , but the past has already started to persecute him . Whom he needed ? Everything has been done . Everything is over . Jerry thought that now his life would be quiet , that everything he did he left here in New York . But someone thought differently . And now Jerry Korvez should find out , who this man is and what he wants . He woke up because of the movement the train made when it came to a halt . People started to get up from their sits and reach for luggage that was safely stored over their heads . The sun went through the curtained windows in the whirl on glowing dust . Outside there were delicate arches of Grand Central in New York and bustling crowds of comers and goers . He bent over to pick up the newspaper he dropped while asleep , when he saw an envelope lying on the table . Inside there was a piece of paper with just one line " I know who you are " . He paled . Grasping the note and grubbing his luggage , he ran from a train , and in the next second was in a toilet . He was shocked , angry , and absolutely crazy . He locked the door and dashed to the mirror . Frightened , sweaty face was looking at him . Trying to calm down , he washed his face with cold water . It helped a little bit , at least , it cleared his mind and he started to think logically . " Who could write this note ? Someone really smart and powerful , probably . But how did he find out ? I have always been so cautious and provident ! But what if … No , not possible . Was my hardest work , but I did my best . No one will ever know … " . Quiet sound of unlocking the door interrupted him . He felt cold sweat on his forehead . Scared , he slowly turned his head . A man in dark coat was looking right at him . " I know who you are " - he said in deep voice . " And it 's time for justice . For taking what you are worth " . He stepped back as the man moved forward . He felt on his knees , crying and asking for mercy . The last thing he felt was man 's heavy hand on his forehead . After reading this sentence , he immediately looked around and made sure that he was no one was watching , he began to scrutinize the envelope and letter . The envelope was simple , white , not a single clue , and the note was printed , not hand - written , which also does not prove anything . Hmm . . " Interesting " - thought flashed through his mind . " What does all this mean ? " Removing the envelope in his pocket , he hurried out of the train . It was early autumn , it was painted in bright colors , running beside rushing crowd did not notice people . He decided to immediately call Brad , his best friend . Reaching into his pocket , he pulled out his cell phone and dial another , lifted the phone to his ear . After a lot of rings on the other end of the machine came a familiar husky voice . " Yes , sir " , said Brad . " It 's me , Sam , I 'm in the middle , and I need to talk to you urgently , let 's meet ? Explain everything at the meeting " , " well , we meet in the park " - said Brad . The doorbell rang insistently and I walked to the door . On the threshold I saw my best friend . He stood there , breathing heavily , and was all wet and red . He looked like he just ran a marathon . " What 's the matter , Brad ? " , I asked , " You look like a rushed here from the other side of the planet , where you been ? " But Brad did not appreciate my sense of humor and just looked at me grimly , " Not funny , Sam , I have to you an important conversation , and you must act immediately " - And so I picked up the archives and found something . Namely documents on your enrollment in an orphanage . You said that you had been planted , but on the documents you have given with the consent of your parents , there is their signature as well as the names . I made inquiries and found out that they are alive and live far from here , in Bridgeport . I think you should meet with them , remember you wanted to know who you are ? You had the chance ! Use it ! Do you hear me ? " And delirium looked me in the eyes , I read them in the hope and belief in menya . No I could not believe my ears . My parents are alive . Thought frantically rushed through my head , but I knew one thing , Brad is right , I should find them . I was ready to go in three days . After reviewing all the documents that brought me Brad , I learned that the parents called Susan and David Harrison . At noon I moved to Bridgeport . After a while I was there . Reseeding with local train to bus , I even felt a lump , and the gathering of gorlu . Vot my stop , my heart beat faster . Approaching the house , I long hesitated to go . But then they came out , they saw me right away , but gave no sign . I decided that I did not recognize . Approached and asked politely : " Do not live here if David and Susan Harrison ? " . The answer surprised me . Susan slant on David , and he , in turn , muttered something and walked quickly to the road , and then by Susan . I decided to follow them and went after them , trying to be noticed . After going some way , they disappeared into the alley . I followed them , but there was a dead end and only one door . It opened easily , inside was fresh and light , despite the fact that the light source I have not found , and the windows are not there at all . Then I heard footsteps behind , turning , I saw David in dense stands to me . Glancing at him , I saw my gray - green eyes . Then I longed to sleep . Woke up in the same room , I lay on the couch , sitting in front of me , Susan and David . I immediately got up , but my mind was still clouded . My parents treated me very strangely and looked at one another . David began to talk , " I 'm sorry for sleeping gas , we did not want to hurt you . Why did you find us ? On the way back , I kept thinking , why do they do it ? They are still together , why they got rid of me ? But all these thoughts in my head ached , and I fell asleep . . Scrolling through the story again , Sam felt lonely . Feelings came flooding back , it seemed a moment , and they will lead his scrip , this searing pain . . " Sam " - Brad 's voice interrupted the flow of his thoughts - " What happened ? Why did you come back so quickly ? You did not find them ? " - He filled up his own questions . " No , I found them , but they shoved me back , and on the way back , I planted it here , " and put his hand in his pocket , Sam pulled the familiar white envelope . Brad took the letter , looked at Sam , again on a note . . " What is it ? " , He said finally . Sam got to the cafe quickly . Going to the cafe , he sat down at an empty table . Immediately after a few seconds , he noticed how he began to approach an older man . When he reached it , he stopped and looked closer attention to it . Then he ran down his face a smile , and he sat down next to Sam . - I 'm your grandfather . You know , your parents are secret agents . And little is known by other names . When you were born , they did not want to hurt you so you gave to an orphanage . You do not judge them . They are always watching your life in every way to help you , while you were in the orphanage . They could not contact you . They would be calculated , and your life would be in danger . I do not say in what you orphanage . So when I heard that you went out to the parents , I decided right away to meet you . - Yes , I understand that you need to think things through and understand . Let 's meet tomorrow here and I 'll tell you the whole story from the beginning . And believe me , I would not deceive you . I have only one grandchild . With that Richard rose heavily and walked to the exit . Sam still sat in the cafe and thought about the conversation . He decided that tomorrow is sure to come here all the words and can be true . And he is finally able to find a family . But now , he decided to go home and take a bath and go to bed , and everything else he knows tomorrow . . After this evening in the life of Sam , everything changed , realized his dream , he found a family . Now he spent every Sunday with his grandfather . With his parents , he is also seen , but it was a secret . No one needs to know about it . Now in his life , everything fell into place . I can confidently say that he is happy . Now he 's not alone . He woke up because of the movement the train made when it came to a halt . People started to get up from their sits and reach for luggage that was safely stored over their heads . The sun went through the curtained windows in the whirl on glowing dust . Outside there were delicate arches of Grand Central in New York and bustling crowds of comers and goers . He bent over to pick up the newspaper he dropped while asleep , when he saw an envelope lying on the table . Inside there was a piece of paper with just one line " I know who you are " . Several times after reading the note , James looked around for someone who could throw her . None of those present did not cause serious suspicions . " Perhaps , this note was lying there before my arrival and was addressed not to me " - James thought and left the train . He headed toward the house . James walked down the empty street . Suddenly it seemed that someone is following him . He slowly turned around , but saw no one . But this did not calm him . James quickened his pace and soon did run . After a while it seemed to him that he ran away from his pursuers . But suddenly he tripped on something and fell . James quickly got up and looked around and saw a little creature that flies around his head . James was afraid and he opened his mouth to call for help . But at this point the creature said : " Our country long ruled by King Gilderoy . He was a very wise elf . He had the gift of foresight , and one day he said that the country will because all the people will die . World of elves and the human world are linked . If people are going to die , they will not be able to dream , and therefore we will die too . But only one man can stop it . His name is James Kleytorn . Ten years passed . Gilderoy king died and the prediction forgotten . But once the war between elves and dragons . Dragons ruthlessly destroyed our people . But they were not enough . They wanted to kill all the elves . Dragon Lord - Hurricane soon popadetv human world . You need to stop it or it will destroy humanity ! " After an hour in the air to open the portal and he appeared . Menacing , violent , violent dimensions King of Dragons . James was shocked by the power of being . He ceased to believe in what he is elected . He tried to escape , but the elf pushed James out of the bushes . Hurricane saw James . " This is the end . . . " - thought unhappy before the dragon raised his paw . James pochestvoval searing pain in his arm . He was wounded . All arm was covered in blood . Dragon swung again , but James jumped aside . He armed himself with a stick , picked the tallest tree and climbed up on it . Once on top , he looked down . At the bottom of the dragon tried to burn Andromeda , who threw stones at him and branches . James closed his eyes and jumped on the Hurricane and stuck a stick in his right eye . The dragon roared furiously and fell to the ground . James fell with him and lost consciousness . In the morning , James woke up in his bed . " It was a dream ! " - He thought . He tried to get up , but it prevented a sharp pain in his shoulder . James looked up and noticed a scar . He woke up because of the movement the train made when it came to a halt . People started to get up from their sits and reach for luggage that was safely stored over their heads . The sun went thought the curtained windows in the whirl on glowing dust . Outside there were delicate arches of Grand Central in New York and bustling crowds of comers and goers . He bent over to pick up the newspaper he dropped while asleep , when he saw an envelope lying on the table . Inside there was a piece of paper with just one line " I know who you are " Oh , I forgot to submit a character . He is name is Genre Broun . He is 25 . Now he is moving from the countryside to live in a big city . Why so late ? He is very modest and shy guy and he thought that all his life he would live in his native countryside . But life is made . For living , he found cozy house , with a Grand piano in addition , on the outskirts of a town . Hmm , I can 't sleep . . . not giving peace a note from the train , which now lies in the living room . A lot of thoughts in my head , but now there is no time for reflection . Need to sleep , tomorrow early in the morning to go for an interview at the Conservatory of music . This is my dream . Good Morning ! The dream was very sweet . The horror ! Late . . . Dressed in haste , did not have any breakfast , run to a meeting , I 'm not too late , thank God ! But the work would not take me , they said that I did not fit . Returned home , I decided to clean up because in the morning I brought chaos . It seems , all cleaned up , left the paper . I want to throw it away , but my eyes involuntarily read the inscription " do not worry , still feeling lucky " . I 'm probably crazy , but I write the answer " Thank you " . And I put the paper back on the piano . The remainder of the evening he spent in the search for the work . After a few weeks he decided to sell the piano , despite the fact that he knew how to play , because he took up a lot of space , and money would not be superfluous . He decided to do it through the Internet , but for this it was necessary to make photographs of the external condition of the piano . The paper was excess in the frame , and Genre clean up its . On a piece of him waiting for a new message : Hello Genre . You probably want to know who writes to you the message . It 's me - the former owner of the piano . He was to me and my profession and hobby , but what to say , with a Grand piano was connected all my life , so also after death I can 't leave it . Do you think that the previous owners of the house just decided to give you a piano , no , they got rid of the piano together with me . But I 'm glad that you answered me . I feel kind of lonely . Here with me only my hound dog Faster , I 'll not bother you , but you do me a favor . . . In that same moment he heard the great music of the piano . It was the last drop of reason in his head . He ran out of the house , far away . After some time he was cold and went toward the house . For the return him waiting for a new inscription in to paradise or hell paper . And he began to read , because he was already nothing to be afraid . There was the text : Do not be afraid , my friend . Open your heart to the music , let it be piano become a satellite of your life , and I will help you in the long way . You only begin . . . And Genre sat down to play the piano , and he played everything he knew , from children 's songs to the works of the great composers . His invisible friend had not deceived him . Genre became famous , his name was shining on the posters and . . . He woke up because of the movement the train made when it came to a halt . It seemed to him that he dreamed something , but now he was sure that he had everything will be good . He is not lost in the crowd , he will live and conquer this world of kindness and openness of his heart ! ! ! He woke up because of the movement the train made when it came to a halt . People started to get up from their sits and reach for luggage that was safely stored over their heads . The sun went through the curtained windows in the whirl on glowing dust . Outside there were delicate arches of Grand Central in New York and bustling crowds of comers and goers . He bent over to pick up the newspaper he dropped while asleep , when he saw an envelope lying on the table . Inside there was a piece of paper with just one line " I know who you are " . Margaret came to a kitchen and brought him a cup of hot coffee . She took a newspaper he just read . He tried to get it from her warm hands , but failed . The article was about the murder of a 12 years old girl , Alice March . She was raped and killed in the park nearby their apartment . There was a photo - faceless , cut with a knife little body of that poor girl , lying on the grass , without any clothes . No , it wasn 't girl . It was a pound of flesh - and it was disgusting . Margaret ran to the sink - her stomach was going to bare it 's contents . They knew Alice March - she was in the form with their son - Gary . And Alice in the classroom two years ago when Gary went in the window and said that he can fly . It was too late when ambulance came - Gary died from blood stroke . John 's tired from this situation . He 's tried so many times to get back to normal life . He asked so many times Margaret to think about another child , but for these two years every conversation about kids has finished with tears , crying , yelling . Everything seemed senseless . Next day John came home with shuffle he took from their garage . Margaret was surprised and asked him about shuffle . John was too tired and just went to his room . Margaret came upstairs and screamed : " What is that mean ? I asked you ! Tell me , John ! You don 't talk to me since the Gary … " . And she started to cry . She fell down on the carpet and cried about twenty minutes . John was lying on the bed in shoes and dirty coat , still holding shuffle in right hand . He didn 't hear the crying outside - he was thinking . He 's just buried all the evidences of his relation to the murder of Alice . He hided dead white rabbit with red eyes , her clothes and knife with her blood in the place nobody will find it . When he went out his room next morning he almost fell down because Margaret still slept on the carpet . Her blond hair was in mess , she was smiling . That was the women he fell in love with ten years ago . But now … Now everything 's changed . While going home after work John was deep in his thoughts . " Nobody knows . Nobody will know . At least I did everything the same way he 's told me " . Near the park John stopped and took a glance at an old oak . Little shadow went out from it 's shelter in the hollow . It took a minute to make silhouette of Gary . He was in a big hat , strange costume with wide sleeves and plenty of pins all over it . In one hand he took a cup . " Tea ? " , asked a shadow . " N - no " , answered John . " I did what you wanted . Can you bring me back my son ? Can I see him ? Can we go ? " John went into bedroom totally exhausted . His dead wife was still bleeding on the kitchen floor . He closed eyes - everything was too bright to look at . Gary will live wit him - somewhere near the sea , in a small house . They will be happy - just they , nobody else in hundreds of miles . He woke up in the train . That dream chased him for weeks . He escaped to Europe and sat on the train to France . He picked up a newspaper and found an envelope on the table . He was alone in compartment . In the window he saw the station - Austerlitz . And there was a silhouette under the watch . Someone was in haze , waiting for John . But the next moment he decided that was just a dream - still a dream . Train stopped . He woke up because of the movement the train made when it came to a halt . People started to get up from their sits and reach for luggage that was safely stored over their heads . The sun went through the curtained windows in the whirl on glowing dust . Outside there were delicate arches of Grand Central in New York and bustling crowds of comers and goers . He bent over to pick up the newspaper he dropped while asleep , when he saw an envelope lying on the table . Inside there was a piece of paper with just one line " I know who you are " . When he came home , he forgot about this strange situation in train for a while . He showered , changed clothes , and made himself a cup of coffee . And only then , while he was sitting in the cozy armchair , drinking his coffee , he had felt something in his pocket . Surprised , no , the better verb will be - paralyzed ; he reached out a small piece of paper . « I know who are you » . Whom this message was addressed ? Why this piece of paper was laying near HIS seat ? She opened the door , turned on the light and signed with relief . She was watching him all the way to New York . Yes , exactly , it was he ! It couldn 't be anybody else ! It was her father who had left her 26 years ago . But now she found him . She gave him a sign . He must guess from whom this message was . And from this moment everything gonna be alright . He tried to remember his faults . Last 5 years , at least . Some lies , broken relationships , a lot of pain which he brought to some people . . It was too much for him to remember . Stop . One action couldn 't get off his head many years . His daughter , his sweet little Mary . . He left his first family about 30 years ago . « Does she still remember me or maybe hate ? », « What can I say if I call her ? » - these questions were appeared in his mind like thunders which bring the light to the night city . |
" My body is like a hollow reed . Troubles blow through me like the wind " . ™ Balki Bartokomous Growing up , my sons were not big TV watchers , but every now and then we enjoyed a sitcom together . Perfect Strangers was one of these shows that we laughed about long after it was over , even now more than a decade later . Balki Bartokomous had hilarious catchphrases that we repeated to make a point or just randomly . The boys played many different sports but settled on tennis in high school . They were on the JV and varsity teams and played against different high schools in the area . I , of course , was at every single one of these matches . They were after school and often ended close to dinner time . I had the family 's dinner cooked , my hat and sunglasses on and ready to cheer . I volunteered to drive , bring bagels and juice , or whatever else was needed . I enjoyed chatting with the other parents too , and naturally I wanted my boys to win ! There was a problem , however . Tennis is not a " cheerleading " sport . Tennis spectators sit or stand politely , don 't make a sound and every now and then do a little " royal " clapping . This was not football . Parents did not coach from the sidelines , did not fight , just waved perhaps once or twice . This was going to be very difficult for me . Sure enough , trouble was ahead . The match was at our high school that afternoon , behind my backyard , right past the baseball field . I was late getting there and found Mike struggling a bit in his game . Being my son 's mother , I knew he was losing focus because he was behind . I waited for that comeback but it wasn 't happening . It started with guilt . I should not have been late ! I was sure he would not have fallen behind if his mother was there from the start . Then motherly responsibility set in . I had to do something . I had to find a way to get Mike 's attention and tell him to relax and focus . I walked around the court to his side , but now he couldn 't see me and I wasn 't supposed to speak . I walked back to the other side , facing him , waved gently ; that didn 't work ; then I waved a little more frantically . Mike looked at me , I winked and mouthed words like , you have to relax hokiss , just breathe , focus , you can do this , you have this next one . He winked back and looked away . Obviously , he wasn 't good at lipreading . The need to reassure , support and encourage him was just too much , it was like a pressure cooker inside me . I thought if I used a cryptic message , others wouldn 't understand and I could get away with it . At worst , they 'd think I 've lost my mind . So I started softly at first : I 'm a hollow reed . I 'm a hollow reed . I 'm a hollow reed . I had no success with that . Mike just could not hear me . I raised my voice gradually . Hollow Reed . Hollow Reed . It was shorter , more to the point . This time some people looked , the opponent looked . If Mike heard me , he pretended he didn 't know me . This was not working . I had no choice at all . HOLLOW REED ! HOLLOW REED ! HOLLOW REED ! Then I walked around to a new spot , with the strategy to confuse people as to where these words were coming from . I was getting ready to repeat it when I felt someone tapping my shoulder . It was Mike 's coach . He said , " Mike says maybe you should go home now " and he left . And so I walked home . I don 't remember if Mike was upset with me or not , but I do remember that he won that match and I take full credit for it . War was raging back home and communication with my family was difficult and sporadic . I missed my mother terribly even though I was happy here . In one of my letters , I asked her to make me one of her beautiful crochet pieces . I wanted to put it on my foyer table to remind me of her and make my apartment feel more like home . I measured the table and told her to make it 8x12 . A few months later , a package arrived from home with my runner in it . I stood there looking at it , confused why mom would send me this . What was it ? Then I saw the note ~ " It boggled my mind why you would ask for something like this . What could you possibly use it for ? Your father , sisters and I cannot think of anything . But here it is , hokiss , I tried my best to fit as much of the design in as I could . I hope you like it and you use it in health . " I laughed . It sits pretty in a small rectangular plate on my dressing table now and makes me smile each time I look at it . I had forgotten that measurements were in centimeters back home , not inches . So instead of a 8x12 inch runner , I had gotten a 8x12 cm one . Posted by The 6 friends sat around a table in a quiet corner of the restaurant . They talked about the usual stuff ; what they 'd done this month , their husbands , the children and their new / old girl friends or boy friends , how late the service was and how delicious lunch was when they finally got it . They laughed a lot and gave each other advice on everything from getting rid of japanese beetles to vacation spots . Marilyn opened her cards and they passed them around , proud of having found the funniest one or the most fitting one . They divided the bill by 5 and paid wishing their friend a happy birthday again . Once everyone had used the restroom and they were all sitting around the table again , Marilyn spoke with no pause between the sentences . " I have something to tell you but please nobody freak out I have breast cancer and the surgery is tomorrow " For a second or two nobody spoke , then they all started together . What , where , how , who , how long , how far , how much , shall we come , what next . Then when they got their answers , We 'll be here , what can we do , we 'll be praying , we 'll support , we 'll make you laugh , take DC cd with you ( guess who said that ) , we love you . Then they all laughed about the new boobs Marilyn would be sporting at their next luncheon . In the parking lot , they hugged some more , talked some more , and then each one got into her car and shed a tear . . or two . Marilyn 's surgery is tomorrow morning at 9 am . I 'll be saying a prayer . How about you ? ← Previous post Posted by I went outside looking for the moonIt was not in its usual spotI went around , strained my neck to find it , without any luckPanic struck me . What if I miss it ? What about my wish ? I ran between the houses , past the trees to more open spacesBut the moon was nowhere to be found In the summers we went to the village where the streets , not only in song , but literally had no name . I loved the village . The sky was bigger , the stars were brighter , and the air less stuffy and hot than the city . In the evenings , when we went for a walk up and down the main street , we needed a light sweater which we draped over our shoulders . I had cousins who lived there year round , who would be waiting for us to arrive after nine months of separation and the reunions were always fun . One of my cousins told me recently that she used to go wait in front of our house just in case we came that day . Many of the village families owned fruit orchards , mainly apples , but plums , apricots , berries and some vineyards too . My great aunt liked to take me along with her to pick the best table grapes for family dinners . Her long white hair braided into a bun and covered with a scarf , she 'd put on her boots , grab a basket and we 'd walk the 20 minutes to the vineyard . She was a different person there among her other family . She walked slowly , touching her precious vines , cutting off branches she found useless , cradling a bunch of grapes in her palm as if to judge their sweetness by their weight . She 'd teach me their names and what foods they went with best . These are called " bride 's fingers " , she 'd say putting a bunch of 2 inch long , golden grapes in her basket . They were my favorites . One of the highlights of the summer for me was apple picking . It was a well planned and organized event . The timing had to be coordinated with relatives and neighbors so they could help each other . Everyone went . All the ladders available were taken and all capable hands put to work . There was lots of playful banter and singing from the top of the trees . Young people fell in love in those orchards and the uncles made fun of them , singing " I lost my heart under the apple tree " . The older ladies were responsible for the food and all kinds of delicacies were spread out for lunch . We ate and then took a siesta in the shade of the trees before we continued to pick those apples ever so carefully , not to leave fingerprints on them , and arrange them gently in wooden crates . The crates were loaded on small trucks that went around to all the apple pickers that day and helped carry their harvest to huge trucks waiting up the dirt road . Some of the men would get impatient and start carrying the crates themselves maybe to show off their strong muscles to the ladies . One day , I decided I was strong enough to help but mostly I wanted to follow cousin Jack around ; at 15 , he was 4 years older than me and way too cool . So I lifted a crate , thought it was light enough , I could do this , and followed the men . At first , I showed determination and courage , but after several minutes , that narrow dirt path got longer and longer . Angry red marks burned on my arms , my knees wobbled and some moisture appeared in my eyes . Cousin Jack turned around and looked at me dragging behind and waited . When I got to him , he suggested I wait right there , he would sprint to the truck , drop his crate off and come back for mine . But I was too embarrassed , the men would laugh at me on their way back and that 's when he said it : See that next tree ahead of us ? We 'll just walk to that tree . Don 't look at the truck , only at that next tree . So we walked together and when we reached that tree , Jack and I walked to the next one , and just like that , one tree at a time , we conquered that dirt path . I loved my cousin Jack . I never forgot that . Many times over the years , a voice in my head whispered , only to the next tree , darling . I told the story to my growing sons enough times that they would say , yes mom , we know , only to the next tree . Funny thing is I saw cousin Jack at a wedding a few months ago and he had no recollection of it . He thanked me for the story though and said it will come in handy for him too on days he struggles with the dirt paths in this life . The other day the husband informed me that he had no pants to wear . Now this would have been just a common , matter of fact statement if he had not used " the tone " with it . You know , the tone that tells you that the rain , snow , and even the floods all over the planet are your fault . That kind of tone . Also , the traffic , the neighbor 's dog barking , the dry bread rolls at California Pizza , the drunk dude that approached us in the park - my fault . While I 'm at it , I might as well take responsibility for the problems in the Middle East and elsewhere . Anyway , you get the idea . I thought of teaching him a lesson and ignoring his hidden plea for help , but I worried that the poor man might die of hypothermia without his corduroys . So off to the local Macy 's I went . I found the desired pants , but not in his size . After a 20 minute wait for my turn , the saleslady checked her computer and confirmed that unfortunately the store did not have what I needed . Being an experienced shopper , I asked if she could check if other stores in the area had them . She was not too happy but obliged . Good news , there were several stores in New York , Chicago , Minnesota and Washington DC which still were not sold out of the olive green and black ones , she announced . That 's great ! I rejoiced , could you call and order a few for me ? She looked at me as if I had asked her to fly to Mars for corduroy pants . This was something every sales clerk had offered me in the past ; after all , they want to sell the merchandise , don 't they ? All I can do is print out a list of the stores and you can call them yourself , she offered . As I walked away with the list in my hand , she added , and you 'll have to pay shipping ! Thank you for your help , I said with that tone of sarcasm I use with the husband to counteract his accusatory one , you know the one . Back home , I chose the one store I was quite familiar with , Herald Square Macy 's in New York City . I knew what was going to happen next , so I made myself coffee , got some cookies , Harry Potter book 5 , sat in my favorite chair , put my feet up and called the number . I was good at this game . Only five rings and a human voice . The phone rang for at least 20 rings . You might as well pick it up , I said , because I 'm not hanging up . Finally a young female voice , Macy 's polo , may I help you ? I started telling her what I needed . Pleated or flat front ? Pleated , he 's from the previous century . Colors , size , how many . And then , Can you hold a minute ? Sure I can hold . Sip of coffee , bite of cookie , Oh my God ! Mrs . Figg is a Squib ? And dementors on Harry 's street ? Hello ? Yes I found them , but have to put you on hold again because I have a customer waiting . Hello ? Name , address , telephone and credit card information . Can you hold please ? Repeat your address please ? Can you hold again please , I 'm sorry . Ok , can you hold please ? Hello ? Oh no , I just hung up on this other lady and there are 2 people waiting here , I 'm sorry , can you repeat the phone number please ? Voice is getting a bit distressed now . Listen , My husband doesn 't have any pants , and he 's very cold , and it 's his birthday ( I thought I 'll throw that in for good measure ) , I 'm willing to wait ; it 's better than flying to New York , because Michigan is out of corduroy pants . So do what you have to do there and get back to me . Just don 't drop my call , Lynn , ok ? Really ! Wow , Lynn , we 're doing extremely well here . So you 'll get these by Tuesday . I hope your husband has a happy birthday . There was a man named Ted Williams who had a golden speaking voice . He got into drugs and alcohol ; he fell upon hard times and became homeless . Then one day he was discovered for his voice and offered many jobs . He got a haircut and new clothes and was reunited with his mother . National and international news covered his story . You tubes popped up and went viral . People tweeted and re - tweeted about him . Humanity rejoiced for him and his luck and newfound success . But then came the analysis . Tweets , blogs and opinions emerged . Was he the only man on the planet who had a golden speaking voice ? For God 's sake we don 't even know if he can sing and obviously he doesn 't even shave . Besides , it 's not like he has a talent that will cure cancer or clean the oil spills . How many other homeless people , maybe even more talented than Ted , are still in the streets ? Don 't they deserve a second chance ? It 's not like all of a sudden the economic situation was reversed because one man found a job . We 're still in dire times , people . And what does this say about human compassion ? How many people passed this guy by without offering a hand ? How many of us pass by homeless people sitting in the corners of buildings , sour our faces at their filthy , disgusting appearances , turn our heads and speed by ? Now that this man is out of those conditions , it 's fine for us to show compassion and be moved by this heartwarming story ? And so on . . . . the voices expressed their opinions . I ask myself why do I find this story heartwarming ? Am I naive or worse , a hypocrite ? The man was down and out . He could have stayed there for the rest of his miserable life . But something shifted , he transcended his lot . He was not discovered lying in his tent drinking beer , reciting radio commercials . No , he made a sign and stood on busy roadsides trying to get attention . Once he had overcome his addictions , he wanted better and worked for it the only way he knew how . He took the first step and hoped for the best . I like that . Somehow , everything aligned that he was noticed , he was picked up , his voice made it on you tubes and news outlets and job offers came his way . In this digital age , word gets out faster and spreads further and this is an example of how it can be beneficial on such a small , one person level . I am sure some of the coverage was for increasing viewership purposes , but still , it helped Ted . It 's good to see something other than what celebrity is in drug rehab get this kind of attention . I like that . What I like most is the sense of hope in this story . It happened for Ted . First , he woke up and made a sign , then her got lucky . It can happen to others too even if it is one at a time . Ted not only had lost his job , succumbed to drugs and become homeless , but he also had deserted his wife and children . " Maybe Williams can redeem himself personally as well as professionally . Maybe he can be there for his grandchildren in ways he could not for his kids . " * Now we don 't know what will happen of 53 year old Ted . His 90 year old mother has asked him not to disappoint her by going with the wrong crowd and getting in trouble . I say better late than never . Take her advice , Ted , and don 't waste your second chance . * Read more : http : / / www . nydailynews . com / news / national / 2011 / 01 / 07 / 2011 - 01 - 07 _ behind _ goldenvoiced _ ted _ williams _ is _ exwife _ patricia _ kirtley _ the _ real _ hero _ of _ the . html # ixzz1AO1ItO88 Really ? A few years ago , our son Michael and his close friend Micah decided to invite their two families to meet each other over dinner . It was Parents ' Weekend at Stanford University and we had spent the entire day taking classes specially presented to us parents . It was a very exciting day ; we learned about sleep disorders , solar systems and how they measure distances between stars , dolphin language , and biochemical principles or something like that . It was great fun pretending to be college students again but a few hours after class I had forgotten most of the lectures , except maybe the sleep disorders one . That had the most practical value for me at my age and I even bought the professor 's book and had him autograph it . In the evening we all met in a downtown Palo Alto restaurant for a family style Chinese dinner . Micah 's family was very nice ; they had two sons the same ages as ours , they had sent both of them to Stanford just like us and soon the eight of us were laughing and sharing food and drink like we had known each other for years . We ate and drank tea , talked , laughed , ate more and drank more tea and all of a sudden it was time to leave . As we got up and said our goodbyes , I realized I 'd better use the restroom , I asked them to wait for me at the entrance and rushed to the dark hallway where I was told the restrooms were . By this time my need was urgent and the restroom signs were not the normal , clear , Men and Women signs . They were some sort of indistinguishable , androgynous looking abstract pictures which I 'm sure might have had some entertaining value if one was just lingering by the doors , or even could make a good Jeopardy question . But quite faded , in the dark and in my urgent state they were of absolutely no use to me . I thought for a minute . Logically , the ladies restroom should come first because ladies need it more and usually it 's more of an emergency . Besides , there was more room in the front for a longer line , whereas the second one was crammed against the back wall . So of course , the first door had to be the ladies room . I walked in and right in front of me saw a stall with the door half open and ran to it , closed the door and sat on the toilet . Ah . . . . relief . Halfway through I had a sudden thought and stopped abruptly . Why were there three sinks in this restroom but only one stall ? I was sure I had seen two people washing their hands and a third unoccupied sink . Hmm . Were those people washing their hands men or women ? Were they washing their hands ? My face flushed and my heart skipped a beat as gradually realization sank in that maybe , perhaps , there might be a small possibility that those were not sinks . I still was not totally sure . After all , I had convinced myself the ladies room should be first in the hallway . I rolled my eyes looking around the stall , barely breathing . The toilet was unusually high for a woman , wasn 't it ? My feet were touching the floor but barely . Then I noticed the door . It didn 't reach all the way down to the floor or all the way up to the ceiling . It looked more like a saloon swinging door in a Western movie , except it wasn 't swinging . I carefully bent down and peeked from under the door looking towards where the sinks were . I saw two pairs of shoes standing there . Oh for heaven 's sake , those were men 's shoes ! What to do , what to do ? First , don 't panic . The boys were outside and they 'd come looking for me soon . I hope they don 't find me dead , or even worse , molested ! Wait , if I can see their shoes under the door , they 'll be able to see my high heels ! So I bent my knees and lifted my feet high off the floor . Now I was safe , I could think . Maybe when I hear water running outside , I 'll finish what I had come in here for , and then get ready to run for my life as soon as the shoes walk out . But what if new shoes walk in ? Sure enough , new shoes kept walking in . Fancy shoes , sport shoes , flip flops , black shoes , brown shoes , even white shoes . Not in February , man ; dark flip flops were ok , but not white shoes . I waited for what it seemed like an eternity or maybe seven minutes . The boys will start getting worried , I thought , it 's a bit quiet now , let me look again . No luck , a pair of shoes were still standing there . But wait , they looked familiar , brown loafers , the little scratch on the side , about the right size . . . I knew those shoes ! Sigh of relief . This was my chance , let me make a run for it . I opened the saloon door and ran , as I grabbed the main door handle I heard my husband 's shocked voice : Swanny , is that you ? I didn 't answer , just bolted out , walked calmly through the restaurant while looking for the Purell in my purse . There is a small coffee shop in the middle of a department store . Whenever mama and I passed by it , she would say , " Shall we have an espresso , hokiss * ? " And we would . She 'd save us a table in the corner and I would come with the coffee and perhaps a pastry . We 'd share it , sometimes chatting , often quiet , just sitting there being together . Mama had a tough life . There were relocations , separation from her own family , wars , struggles , illnesses and deaths , but she always thought she was blessed . She had her five children around her . She had love . My father was not an easy man . He had his own ghosts that haunted him . Thinking back , I wish I was there for him , I asked him more , I hugged him more . . . but that 's another story . Mama made it balance for us ; she was the calm in the turmoil , she was the safe place to go when we were afraid . I think she had a way of accepting whatever the day brought with calm dignity , something I 'm only just learning . I don 't know why I don 't remember any harsh or angry words from her . She must have been mad at me sometimes , specially during my early college days . . . but there were none . There were gentle talks , stories , and sometimes " the look " , the " you should know better " look . Oh mama , looking at me with your beautiful , blue eyes full of love and pride , I never wanted to see disappointment in them . She liked teaching with stories . Either she made them up or she had read them somewhere . One that stands out was the princess who was always sulking because she thought her sisters were prettier . The king sent her to the forest where she became very happy among the trees , animals , flowers and butterflies . One day she saw her reflection in the stream and gasped because she looked so lovely . The ugly princess had become beautiful once she had learned to love , smile and feel joy . Oh mama , I was that princess , wasn 't I ? Even at ten , I knew I was the princess . I was quite needy there for a short period of time , feeling " different " from the blue eyed , golden haired sisters , so mama made me her baking aWere you happy , mama , in those days when I was growing up ? Thinking of her days . . . she would be shopping for fresh produce from the street vendors , hanging laundry on the line on the roof , cooking the main meal for lunch , sewing with patterns from her favorite Burda magazine , visiting the neighbor ladies for some coffee and gossip perhaps , reading her precious Readers Digest , and then us . . . always us , feeding us , dressing us , waking us with a cup of Nescafe in her hands , bringing snacks in the wee hours when we were studying for exams , tucking us in . On Sundays , there was church choir . In the summers , there was canning and jelly making , and there were quiet hours of sitting together on the balcony in the village house , watching the stars and fireflies . Mama was about 50 years old when I left home ; I had to go , it was safer for me to go , they loved me enough to let me go . She didn 't say much . I was lying on the sofa when she came and sat next to me ; she cradled my head in her lap and stroked my hair for a long time . She might have been singing quietly . It felt like I was in a cocoon of love , warmth and pure goodness . She let me know with her touch . How I missed that touch later on when for months I didn 't know if she was all right , if my family was all right . But that 's another story . The November before she died , mama came to visit me and stayed the entire month . That was her last gift to me . We spent the days together doing what I used to do in those days . She taught me new recipes ; she taught me that a broken sugar bowl is not worth any anger . " May you have long life instead " , she said . Now that my father was gone , she wanted to travel more around the country to visit her children . So we went shopping for suitcases and " outfits " as she called them . Mama had style . She must have sensed something in me , perhaps fear ? Hesitation ? Indecision ? " Do you want those little plates with pretty pictures of fruits on them ? Can you afford them ? " she asked . " Well then , just buy them , you don 't need permission " she whispered . When did that happen mama ? She calmly stood her ground . Looking my husband straight in the eye , she said , " My daughter likes this embroidery and she deserves to have it . It 'll take time to choose the colored threads , but we 're going to do that now , no matter how late we are for dinner . So please be patient " . And he was . Patient . When did that happen , mama ? What you didn 't do for yourself , you could do for me . I was halfway done with that embroidery when she died , I finished it with my tears . In the evenings , she sang songs to my sons , then we sat together , she with her knitting , I with my cross - stitch , and we talked . That 's when I got to know mama . Of course I knew her as my mother all my life , but I got to know her as a friend , as a woman , as a human being . Did you know she always wanted to be a doctor ? I found piles of health magazines by her bedside after her death , along with some poems and prayers . She told me about her youth , the courtship with father , the difficult years when her family left and she stayed behind as a newlywed . It wasn 't enough , mama , I have more questions , I wish we had more time to talk . But we ran out of time , she had to go back home . I took her to the airport . Mama walked down the corridor to the plane , in her fashionable trench - coat , with her colorful scarfI have visions of mama 's hands ; brushing my hair , stroking my face , cleaning , cooking , offering food , knitting , praying , hitting her knees when father died , holding my sons , waving goodbye , folded neatly together in the coffin . . . tired , soft , holy hands . . . I kiss her hands . The pain was indescribable at first . I collapsed at the foot of my bed , rocking back and forth , sobbing . No ! This did not happen ! No ! Don 't let them cut her ! No ! Mama ? Mama ! Mamaaaaaa ! ! ! We went to Maryland to bury here next to my father . The skies were not happy , they were so angry they sent a blizzard , they cried No ! with me . . . Now , fifteen years later , the pain is less severe , it 's more of a longing . After all she 's right here with me in my heart . Are you here , mama ? Do you see your grandsons ? Are you proud ? I wish we could talk now from this new place that I am . . . Sometimes , I pass by our coffee shop in the department store , I look at the corner , and there 's mama sitting at our table smiling at me . I smile back . Shall we have an espresso , hokiss , next time we meet ? I remember the dress . Her mother had made it for her ; it was beautiful in a pretty blue . I don 't remember what the occasion was and I don 't remember if she was happy or was asked to smile for the photographer . The picture is blurry and faded just like my memory , but I recognize her eyes , her smile , her vibrant spirit . For a long time I had forgotten her . She had disappeared . I 'm sure she was calling my name from somewhere deep inside but I was too busy and somewhat deaf . I was busy loving my sons with everything I had ; busy losing my identity to the man I married and the role I was playing in life ; busy getting hurt , developing a huge " pain body " inside created by feelings of neglect , abandonment , even nonexistence . I felt numb inside . I died . Then things shifted , everything aligned in the universe to bring me back to consciousness , slowly , gradually , painfully . It 's still a process . One morning I looked in the mirror and there she was staring at me with those huge brown eyes , tears streaming down her cheeks . She didn 't say a word but her eyes asked , why did you leave me behind ? I hugged her and we cried together , then we laughed together . I 'll never leave you again , I promised . I need your innocence , joy , faith and sunlight with me always . She has never left me since . Alone but not lonely . Peaceful . I spent a few minutes reflecting on 2010 ; It was a strange year , not too productive , a little restless , I think because of emergence of consciousness . There were trips - New York , Washington DC , Toronto , Virginia , Chicago , New York again and again . But there were trips to doctors ' offices as well . There was sadness and heartache , there were endings ; but there was joy , music , dance , and there were beginnings and friends - old friends and new friends ; people open enough that I could connect with them , even without ever meeting them . There were tears , but not too many outbursts and a lot more giggles . Overall , I think it was a transitional year , taking me closer to whatever it is which I seek . Now , there is quiet , peace and chocolate ice cream . Tomorrow , well tomorrow hasn 't happened yet . |
When I went to get the boys from their cribs this morning , they were both asking to go to the mall . Nick also said he would not cry . I reminded him " no fits " and he agreed . We had a very good time at the mall play area and even met a man from Russia who was there with his son . His son was born in the U . S . but currently only speaks Russian . The Russian man spoke English pretty well and we had a nice chat . He and his wife have three kids and they moved here from Russia about 5 years ago . I really enjoyed visiting with him and there were lots of kids for the boys to play with ( or around : ) . We came back to the house after about two or two and a half hours and the boys wanted to draw and color for a little while and then it was time for lunch . After lunch we played with blocks for a while , then put together one of our large floor puzzles and then they played with their barns , animals , trucks and tractors on top of the floor puzzle , which has a picture of a barnyard on it . Then we played with some small letter puzzles ( put ' A ' together with ' a ' , ' B ' together with ' b ' , etc . ) for a little while and then it was nap time . When I was putting the boys down for their nap , I was rubbing Nick 's back . He was real sweet and got up to hug and kiss me . I found this quite touching . I forgot to mention what we did for the Memorial Day weekend . Two of my nieces graduated this weekend . On Friday we drove the 1 . 5 hours up to where my sister lives . We had a hotel room just across the street from my sister 's house , so we would not have to tote the boys around until all hours of the night . The dad stayed with the boys while I went to one graduation ( my sister 's daughter ) . She gave a short speech , since she was one of the top scholars . She is also the one who spoke at my grandmother 's funeral . She does an amazing job of speaking in front of large groups . After the graduation , my sister stayed with the boys in our hotel room while the dad and I went to my other niece 's graduation reception at her house . It was already around 10 : 00 by the time we got there but the party was in full swing and there were lots of people there to congratulate the graduate . The next morning , we went back to my brother 's house again . He lives on a farm and he has a new baby lamb and baby puppies . The baby lamb was given to him , as it 's mom had triplets and only had enough milk to provide for two lambs . They feed it with a bottle and it follows them around . When they go in the house , it will stand outside the screen door and " baaaa baaaa " . It is about a month old and it is absolutely adorable , the smallest / youngest one I have ever seen . The boys got to feed it with a bottle and I held it for a while . It loves to be held and pet and it just tucked it 's little head up under my chin like a little baby . It was too cute . Our camera was out of batteries but our friends took pictures and said they will send them to us . The puppies were just as cute and the boys enjoyed playing with them too . But their favorite thing by far was to sit on the two tractors and to take a ride on one of them . Yesterday morning , when I went into their room to get them up , the first thing Ben said to me was " mommy , two tractors " , as he held up two fingers . They went back and forth between the two tractors , sitting on them and pretending to drive them for quite some time . The boys were exhausted when we left and slept most of the way home , which was not a long enough nap for them . We put them to bed that night an hour early and they still slept to their normal wake - up time and took a longer nap the next day . Overall , we all had a wonderful time and the boys have been asking when we are going back every day since . We have been having a lot of cloudy days and thunderstorms at night lately . We have been very fortunate that we have not had any close calls with tornadoes , although we have had some hail . My only complaint about this stormy weather is that it really wreaks havoc on my head . I have these really bad head aches when the weather is like this and then we get a really pretty day and my head feels just fine . I think it has something to do with the changing air pressure and my troublesome sinuses . I used to get these headaches in Houston sometimes when we had stormy weather but they seem to have become more regular since moving to Oklahoma . A couple of funny things to document . Today , at the grocery store , we were checking out and an older couple got into the line behind us . Nick started saying ' wait your turn ' , ' wait your turn ' . He had said it twice before I realized that he was talking to them . Fortunately , they either did not hear him or did not understand him . Today , when we got back from going to the grocery store , the boys were pretending to shop with their shopping lists . At one point , they were both at the table , writing ( scribbling on ) their grocery list . I asked them what they were writing on their list and Nick said " a , b , c , d " . I guess we forgot to buy those when we were at the grocery store this morning : ) . 1 . My grandpa used to wear these kind of overalls every day when he was working on his farm . I spent many , many days running around after him , tagging along and following him around during my many visits to the farm to see my grandparents when I was a kid . He always cleaned up real nice when we were going to church or to ' town ' for something or another but my fondest memories of him are with him wearing these kind of overalls . This is a quickie but I want to document it before I forget . The boys and I went to the park today and we had a fun time on a beautiful day ( although it is getting pretty hot now ) . We were getting ready to leave and Nick was a bit ahead of me and Ben , when I heard him say very urgently , " Mommy ! A mouse ! A mouse ! " . I looked to where he was pointing , not too far from us , but there was a big tree in the way . I kept looking , thinking that I would soon see a squirrel run from behind the tree . He was standing where he had a better perspective and could see past the tree better than I could . Again he yelled , " Mommy ! A mouse ! A mouse ! " . He was so excited . A second later I saw a lady come from behind the tree , walking down the sidewalk and a millisecond later I saw her little tiny chihuahua come trailing after her on a leash . She had heard Nick calling her little dog a mouse and she was cracking up and , by then , I was cracking up laughing too . It was quite a funny moment . It is officially hot here now : ) . Summer has arrived . The boys have been outside playing in the water for the past couple of weeks . One day last week , it was warm outside but was not hot yet . They were wearing shorts and T - shirts and playing in the couple of inches of water in their little swimming pool . They waded in it once in a while but , for the most part , they were leaning over the side , filling up containers with water and then walking around the patio and yard and dumping the water on various things . I was sitting on the patio , reading a book . Out of the blue , they both decided they wanted to take off their shorts and their diapers but they wanted to keep their shirts on . We have a wooden fence around the yard and , heh , you 're only young once , right ? So they played for a while with their T - shirt on and their little birthday suits from the waist down . I thought it was quite funny . We are now hearing almost - full sentences from both boys and they never shut up ! ( I love it most of the time : ) Today Ben told me " mommy , boo boo all better " . Tonight at the dinner table , Nick said " that tasty " , after tasting lemonade for the first time . That was the first time I had heard either one of the boys use the word ' tasty ' . They pick up on new words so quickly these days . It is so amazing . Nick is now at the point where , if he happens to hurt me accidentally , by kicking me in the head when we are laying together on the couch for example : ) , and I say ' ouch , that hurt ' , he will immediately say ' soddy mommy ' and give me a hug and kiss . He is big on doing this with brother too but brother frequently does not want the hugs and kisses , as he is annoyed at being injured . Nick also gives Ping a hug and a kiss and says " I 'm soddy " , as we read the book The Story About Ping ( I think that 's the name ) . I got tired of hearing the boys whine and ask me to help them every time they got stuck while riding their tricycles in the house . So I finally told them , " when you get stuck , you should say ' oh man ! ' and then get off your bike and move it so it is not stuck anymore ' . This has really worked remarkably well and I smile every time I hear ' oh man ! ' , as they are riding around the house . If they forget and start whining , I give them that raised eyebrow look , like only a mom can deliver . That usually gets a cute little smile and then ' oh man ! ' and then the stuck child climbs off the trike and pulls it free . Today I bought a $ 4 vinyl table cloth that I can throw over the kitchen table when the boys want to color , draw or paint . Much nicer than using newspaper every time and much more likely to prevent writing on the table . Ben really enjoys sitting at the table and coloring ( scribbling ) , cutting and pasting often now . It seems like we definitely have two opposite personality types in our house with our two sons . Nick loves being outside and would stay out there all day long if we let him . When we have been outside for a few minutes , Ben is likely to start asking to go into the house . Twice within the past few days we were outside , I was reading and the boys were playing , when the dad got home and came outside to join us . I had to go inside to start dinner and , soon after , Ben wanted to come in with me . As soon as he came inside , he asked to sit at the table and color , cut and paste ( he always does all three : ) . Nick stayed outside with the dad until he absolutely had to come in . This evening Ben asked me " mommy , read , read ? " . As he climbed up on the couch next to me , out of the blue he said " no poopy mommy " . Big red flag . I asked him if he was poopy and he said again " no poopy mommy " , so I checked him and , sure enough , he was . I had not even suspected anything until he spoke up . He was not too happy when I told him that we needed to change his diaper before we read our book . Today was the last day that our Parents as Teachers lady will come for the summer . We will see her again in August but we will age out when Nick turns 3 in November , so we will probably only see her again three more times , once each in Aug , Sept and Oct and then we will probably be done . I think I enjoy her visits as much as or more than the boys . She and I spend a lot of time talking about everything and anything while she is here . It 's hard to believe that summer is already here . We have two graduations to go to this Friday evening . My two nieces are both graduating from different high schools on the same night . I think within the next week or two , all of the schools here will be out for the summer . I am very excited about homeschooling our kids but I am also very realistic , or I try to be anyway . I know that there will be times in the future , once we really start school , when I will be tired and frustrated and it won 't all be a bed of roses at our house . Sometimes it is hard to remember things like this when I am in the throes of research and planning . I really enjoy the research and planning . My grandmother 's funeral was yesterday and we were very blessed that it did not rain . My husband was able to get off work and my grandmother 's church provided a very nice lady to watch the children during the service . She was great and the boys loved her and had a great time . When I asked them if they had fun , they shook their heads yes and said " again ? , mommy , again ? " , indicating they would like to go back and play at that church again sometime . They cried when we left them but they soon stopped and obviously had fun and they were happy to see us when we returned . The church family also provided a meal for the family before the service . My grandmother has a pretty big family these days , so that was quite an undertaking . They had two large hams and a large turkey , with all of the veggies , potatoes and gravy , bread , drinks and desserts too . It was quite a nice spread and it was very nice for the family to be able to sit down together and spend some time visiting and catching up . Several of my extended family members had heard a lot about our sons but had not met them yet so it was nice that they were finally able to meet . Several of my family members had also not met my husband yet , so it was especially nice that he was able to meet them . In the service , one of my nieces did a wonderful job of playing the piano and singing a song , accompanied by her good friend on the guitar . Another niece did an amazing job of writing her own speech and then standing in front of the congregation and speaking about grandmother Rilla . She had everyone shaking their heads and leaning to the person next to them to say " yep , Rilla always did that " , or laughing about funny things that grandma did . It was so good that everyone clapped when she finished , which is a bit unusual at a funeral . My dad 's wife sang with her two friends in a trio and they did a beautiful job . They sang a song that my grandmother had specifically asked her to sing at her funeral , so that was special . My grandmother 's pastor spoke and then my uncle , who is a Baptist preacher , spoke for a while . He did an awesome job and I know it could not have been easy for him to do that at his own mother 's funeral . He also had us laughing , knowingly nudging each other and crying at times . The church was packed out , which was not surprising . She knew a lot of people and everyone who knew her loved her . There were lots of tears , from those of us who will miss her smiling face so much . . . . she would have been 97 years old tomorrow . She and grandpa lived on their farm together for over 70 years and he had been gone now for about 10 . 5 years . After 45 years of going to grandma 's for visits and always having her meet me at the door with a big smile , it is hard to imagine never doing that again . I will miss her dearly but I am so happy for her because she is no longer suffering . She is in heaven with Jesus Christ and she really is singing with the angels now . Yesterday was the first day that our sons have not taken a nap . They actually did quite well , considering . I was really surprised because I thought they would both fall asleep as soon as we started home but they did not . They both fell asleep when we were about 15 minutes away from home . We were all exhausted yesterday evening . We put the boys to bed an hour earlier than normal , which seemed perfect since they woke up at their normal time today ( they normally sleep late if they go to bed late and wake up early if they go to bed early ) . They were pretty tired by nap time though so I 'm sure they are still catching up and will likely take a longer than normal nap today . Today the boys and I took their cardboard ' slide ' , turned it over and spread it out on the floor . Then , using some permanent markers , we drew out roads , houses , stores , parking lots , a church and school and a park ( I am no artist so believe me when I say it is very crude ) . At one end is our house and our neighbor 's house and at the other end is grandma 's and aunts ' and uncles ' homes , because it is a long drive ( 1 . 5 hours one way ) to visit them . In between , there are all of the other stores and park and stuff . It is pretty simple but I think they will enjoy playing with it and we had fun drawing it out . I will let them color it later and am thinking of adding some tunnels and hills . The boys are spending more time these days coloring , cutting and pasting . We are now doing this at the kitchen table , which has a lot more space . . . . much better than using their little play table . I am getting to where I frequently leave stuff out on the table so they can get up there and doodle as they want . I don 't leave the scissors and paste out though : ) . I have an alphabet book that I bought at the homeschool convention that has a different Bible verse that starts with each letter of the alphabet . The boys wanted me to read it to them before nap time today and I was asking Ben what sound some of the letters make . I was quite surprised at how many he already knows , although I still think he is a ways from being ready to move much further than that . According to our local school district , our sons should officially start kindergarten in August of 2011 . So we have three more years of playing and having fun before we really have to start school . In the meantime we will continue to have fun , while learning what we can along the way . It is amazing how much they pick up from just playing . If they show an interest in doing more before then , we will . I have an interesting situation with Nick that I need to pray about more . He often seems very reluctant to let me show him or teach him things . The other day , we were outside and I had pulled out the little plastic T - ball set we have . I wanted to show him how to hold the bat and he threw a little fit and wanted no part of it . Later , the dad came home and I quietly told him what happened and suggested that he try and see how Nick would respond . It was interesting that , when the dad asked Nick if he wanted him to show him how to do it , Nick immediately said yes and wanted his help multiple times . I am thankful I have some time to pray about this and learn how best to approach Nick before we really have to start school . It is very likely that I need to learn a different way to approach him or something and , hopefully with God 's help , I can figure this out in time and maybe Nick will mellow out about this as he gets past the two - to - three year old age . - - Nick is going through a stage where he wants to pull stuff out of the books we read or climb into the book to play with something . Today he saw a slide in a book and put his feet up , trying to climb into the book and slide down . Tonight at bedtime , when we were reading the children 's Bible , he wanted to bring Hannah out of the Bible . He does this quite often these days . When he is trying to get in the book or take something out of the book , he makes this ' uh ? uh ? ' sound and looks at me as if I should know how to do this . - - Ben has discovered that he enjoys licking windows and then rubbing his finger all around on the window where it is wet . He especially likes doing this when he is outside , which I find odd because I would think they would not taste very good , as they have not been cleaned in a while . I am trying to discourage this behavior , since it makes quite a mess of the windows . However , it is quite funny and I usually have to hide my laughter before telling him to stop . - - Today the boys and I were outside playing in their sandbox . Nick found a small rake and started raking the sand around . I heard him mention ' poo ' poo ' a couple of times and was wondering if he had found some cat poo , since we had left the top off the sandbox for 24 hours the other day . I finally figured out , as Ben joined in the ' game ' , that they were pretending they were cleaning the cat 's litter box : ) . Isn 't that special ? Since they are in the " help mommy " stage of life , they are always wanting to help me clean the cat box but , much to their disappointment , I make them keep their distance . Tonight for dinner , I fixed some stir fry Asian veggies . They came frozen with a small package of sauce to put on them and they were quite good . They had mushrooms , broccoli , snow peas , peppers , water chestnuts , those baby corn on the cob things , carrots and I am sure I am leaving out a couple of other things . The boys had not ever tasted water chestnuts or the baby corn on the cob things . They both ate it and enjoyed it . It was funny because Nick especially liked it and I lost track of how many helpings he had . He kept asking for more and more and was still eating about 20 minutes after the rest of us had finished . When he first started eating , he would pick up a piece that he had never seen before and ask me what it was . I would tell him the name and he would repeat it and then pop it into his mouth . I am amazed at how both of our sons will still try any and all new foods and they seem to like everything . We knew the restaurants would all be packed after church on Sunday so we planned ahead . We brought a menu with us for the place where we wanted to eat and , as soon as we got into our car after church , we called and placed an order to go . By the time we got there , it was ready and we took it home and ate it . It was such a great idea , as the restaurants around here have really long lines during busy times like Mother 's Day after church . And we had a delicious , quick and peaceful lunch at home , without having to cook and very little clean up . One of the side dishes that came with my meal was some spinach orzo which is not something I really care for . I was not eating it and Nick pointed to it and asked for some of it . I gave him a little , thinking he would not care for it and he ended up eating more of it than anything else on his plate . Ben liked it too , although Ben seems to be eating much less of everything these days . It is so odd to see him eat like this . My attitude about the eating less thing is that I provide plenty of healthy foods for them and let them pick and choose what they want to eat . It is interesting because at some meals they load up on the carbs and just eat a bit of protein and veggies and then at other meals , they load up on the veggies or the protein . When you look at the big picture , they seem to eat what their little bodies need , they are just doing it in a different way now . I have to be careful how much I fix for them for lunch and snacks because we end up wasting more food if I 'm not careful . Tomorrow we are going to the bouncing place again . Our friends have free tickets and they invited us , which is very nice . The boys were excited when we were saying our good nights . My sister called this evening and it looks as if my grandmother 's funeral is going to be on Friday afternoon . I have been trying to figure out the best thing to do with the boys , since the dad will not be able to leave work ( he has to see patients on Friday ) . Our babysitter is out of state on vacation so that 's not an option . There will be lots of relatives whom I have not seen in a long time and probably won 't get to see again for a long time . So I am thinking of going early and taking the boys with me . Someone can watch them while I say my goodbyes to grandma , I 'll get to visit with the family and introduce the boys to many people who have been wanting to meet them but I will not get to go to the actual funeral . That 's the only thing I can think of . I have such a mix of emotions today . My sister called a bit ago to let me know that my grandmother died this morning . She was 96 years old but she would have been 97 in five more days . She had been in quite a bit of pain from the many cracked and broken bones she had had over the years , as she had osteoporosis for quite a number of years . She was a bit confused of late because of the pain medication . She had gotten to a point where she could no longer get around without assistance and she had been eating very little for a couple of weeks . She had been in an assisted living facility she had to move out because she could no longer take care of herself to the point they required . My dad and his wife took her back to her own house a week or two ago and they moved in with her to take care of her , along with help from my uncle , aunt , sister and almost daily check - ins from nursing staff . She really wanted to be home so it is wonderful that they were able to take her home and care for her until she passed away and that she was able to be home when she died . She was with it enough to know she was home , for a few days anyway . So , I am very joyful for her , that she is no longer in pain , no longer suffering and unable to do the things she enjoyed so much . She was an avid reader and , for many years , that was about all she was able to do for enjoyment but she had lost her eyesight to the point where she could no longer read much over the past number of months . I am very joyful for her , that she is in heaven and with my grandpa , who died quite a number of years ago and whom she never stopped missing . She missed him so much . She told me once , when he had been gone about 5 years or so , that people had told her that it would get easier as the years went by but it had not . They had been married since she was very young , maybe 17 or 18 years old I guess . I think he may have been gone around 10 years now . She was such a wonderful Christian lady and such a great example . She loved the Lord so much . My sister told me that one of the workers at the assisted living place had told her that she ( the worker ) came in to check on grandma and grandma didn 't know the worker was in there yet and the worker heard grandma just a singing away . The worker asked grandma what she was doing and grandma told her " I 'm singing with the angels " . She loved to sing the old hymns and my sister would sit and sing them with her when she went for visits . She was a hard worker too . She and my grandpa had around 400 acres of land that they raised cattle on for many many years . At one time , they had a dairy and chickens and pigs and stuff but for as long as I can remember they only had cattle ( not dairy cattle ) . When I was little , they always had a big garden and us kids would help to snap the green beans and shuck the corn in the summer time . We would always go stay with them for a week in the summer . It was a wonderful place to spend a week every summer in childhood , much like something you would read about in a book . I would always try to tame the baby kittens that would inevitably be running around the farm wild . We would go fishing at the many ponds , pick blackberries and play in the small wooded areas . We would chase after grandpa and follow him around so we would not miss out on any trips out into the fields to ' check the cows ' . When we were big enough , we would open and close all of the gates for him , so he probably loved having us around during those years . My grandmother could fix quite a huge , down home , wonderful meal . She could cook everything up from scratch in no time at all and , boy , was it good . She had some great stories too , about her childhood and what things were like back then . So I am sad because I will miss her dearly . It just seems odd to think that she will not be here anymore . But I am happy and joyful for her . As my Houston pastor , Dr . Ed Young , used to say , she has graduated and is now with our heavenly Father . And now I have to go because the boys have awakened early and it sounds like they are tearing the place up upstairs . They are doing great and we had a wonderful Mother 's Day weekend . More about that at another time , along with some cute pictures . It is a dreary , cloudy day today in Oklahoma ( at least where we are anyway ) . I don 't mind that . We have enough beautiful , sunny days that it is kind of nice to have a rainy day here and there . The bad thing is that these big storms and fronts that move through give me bad sinus headaches . I don 't like that part . So , last night I woke up around 2 : 00 or 2 : 30 and could not go back to sleep . Just one of those times that I started thinking about all kinds of stuff , nothing bad , just busy : ) . It never fails that it is times like these when my self discipline really kicks in and I lay there thinking how I am going to eat so much better the next day and start working out . After thinking about this a while and not getting any sleepier , I got up , retrieved a flashlight and proceeded to move the headset attached to our downstairs TV ( where I watch news when the boys are sleeping ) and took it upstairs . I had recently traded the larger TV in our upstairs game room with the smaller one in our guest room , because my brother was staying with us and he enjoys watching baseball . So , I traded the TV 's back to where they were and then hooked up the headset to the TV in the game room so I could listen to the news while working out on the EFX machine . Yes , I did all of this around 2 : 30 to 3 : 00 in the morning . I worked out for about 20 minutes , although I could not use the headset after all because I could not get it to work . Afterwards I went back to bed and still could not go to sleep . We have been thinking about going to Houston for a wedding and also a visit with friends but were not sure we could since my husband has to give 60 days notice of any vacation days ( before they schedule patients . He had already scheduled the week after the wedding off , just by coincidence , but the wedding is on a Saturday so he would need the Friday before the wedding off too so we could drive down . So I was thinking about how we could make this work and was thinking I could drive down with the boys and the husband could fly down after work on Friday . I thought of lots of other stuff too , like how I could go about building a child - size coat rack type of thing on which to hang the boys ' dress up clothes . I was quite the busy beaver last night : ) . I was still awake when my husband 's alarm went off at 4 : 45am and , after telling him good morning , I told him about my solution for our Houston problem . He said , " oh , I was able to take that Friday off after all because I didn 't have any patients scheduled " . That 's great news but so much for all of my late night problem solving : ) . Needless to say , I am very tired today . The boys had a dentist appointment today . My husband called me at 8 : 30 , telling me that their appointment was at 9 : 30 and we had forgotten about it . The boys and I were getting around very slowly this morning ( or I was anyway ) and they wanted to eat eggs and toast , which takes a bit longer than oatmeal . So we had just finished eating , I had not cleaned up the mess yet and we were all still in our pajamas . We had to rush around to be ready to leave home in 30 minutes . We made it just in time , thankfully . This time was completely different from the last dentist appointment the boys had , which was their very first one . We had a different dentist this time and she was really great with kids . We were in a small office , rather than out where all of the dental chairs were , and there were even a couple of toys in there . She had the dad hold each child facing him and then they laid the child back into her lap . She did a great job and the boys both did a really good job too . No tears or anything . It was great . We will make sure we see her the next time we go back . Their teeth were fine . We brush them really good at bedtime and then I let them brush their own teeth in the morning after breakfast . Sometimes I will do a little brushing for them in the mornings , if they did more playing than brushing but I really like to let them try to do it then . Yesterday evening when the dad got home , he took the boys outside to play . He does a bit of reading while they play and then he also plays with them some . I cooked dinner and took it outside on the patio and we all ate out there . It was such a beautiful evening and the boys had a great time getting to spend so much time outdoors . They were blowing bubbles and using sidewalk chalk , playing in the sandbox and swinging and sliding , pushing around the play lawnmower and their wheelbarrows . They did a little of everything and , just before bedtime , we brought them in and rinsed them off in the tub . They had chalk and soap all over them . I just love seeing little boys get dirty while playing outside . It is just the way it should be : ) . Here is another thing I forgot to add to my update yesterday . Both boys are really talking a lot these days and are easier to understand . I think Nick may be just a bit ahead of Ben in picking up new phrases and putting sentences together , but they are so close it is really hard to tell . I love hearing them talk and talking to them though . They still want me to repeat everything they say . Fortunately that comes pretty natural to me . Some day they are going to tell me , " stop repeating everything I say " and then I am going to have a hard time breaking this habit : ) . - - they still are not sleeping in their new beds . Ben will stay in it all of 5 seconds ( literally ) after I leave the room at nap time . Maybe they just feel safer in their cribs . I 'm sure they will get it eventually , as I don 't know any 18 year olds who are still sleeping in cribs : ) . - - Nick finally has a little belly . I think it is because he figured out that he really likes bread / toast A LOT so he spent some time packing on the carbs . He looks really healthy though . - - Ben is slimming down and getting taller . We no longer have to monitor what he eats , as he quits and leaves food on his plate on a regular basis now . His weight has leveled off and is staying at a pretty good level for him now . I wish I could say the same thing about myself . - - I think we finally filled them up . Both boys have slowed down on how much they are eating lately . I think part of it is that they are at a point where they are busier and more interested in things they are playing so they would rather play than eat . They had never been that way until now . - - They still eat anything and everything . I am the pickiest eater in our house . - - Ben continues to be consistently ahead of his peers in his cognitive abilities . He can pick up little counting bears , one by one , and put them into the matching plate while counting them up to 13 or 14 . That 's pretty good for a child who is just over 2 . 5 years of age . He knows all of the basic colors and a lot of others , he recognizes all letters in the alphabet and numbers up to around 12 or 13 or so and knows most of the alphabet song . He also has an incredible memory . The dad frequently lets Ben finish sentences when he is reading books to him and it is amazing how much he remembers . I will be quite surprised if he is not an early reader . He is always very interested in learning about letters and listening to me talk about the sounds they make . He watches my mouth closely and tries to repeat what I say . He has a pretty good attention span , when it comes to this sort of stuff . - - both boys love for us to read to them and they ask me several times a day ( " mommy , read , read ? " ) . I normally read several books during morning and afternoon snack times and sometimes during breakfast and lunch and then we also sit on the couch and read a lot too . If they are not playing outside after we finish dinner , the first thing they say is " daddy , read , read ? " . - - I am still loving my life as a stay at home wife and mom . I 'm far from perfect at this and still have much to learn but I sure do enjoy it and I am constantly amazed at how fast the time goes by . I can 't believe that my sons will be 3 years old in just 5 to 6 months . Wow . We had a very busy week . We went to the park again on Wednesday and had a picnic lunch with friends . Our boys had a fun time playing together and it was a beautiful day . My mom and sister came to visit us on Thursday and it had been a while since we had seen them so it was extra nice to see them this time . Yesterday the boys and I did some grocery shopping at Sam 's Club and had lunch there . A funny thing lately is that the boys now recognize places where we have been with them previously . When we were driving in Kansas City last weekend , Ben saw the Sam 's Club sign and immediately pointed and said " Sam 's Club ! " . It was so funny , as he had only seen the sign and not the store . Both boys point and say " Home Depot " , when we drive by one of those and they both recognize our bank as we are driving by on the main highway , even if we don 't turn in . This morning after breakfast , the dad took the boys to run some errands . I surprised my husband by mowing the lawn while they were gone . The only thing is that I was trying to hurry to get as much of it mowed as possible before they came back , when I ran out of gas . When I came back to the garage , I saw they were already home . Turns out they had been home for about 10 minutes already . My husband said he was surprised though and he was glad I had mowed . It was the first time I had mowed in quite a while , since my back and legs have been hurting me so bad . They did pretty well today . . . another sign that the chiropractor is helping . We went to look at cars today so the boys were very late in going down for their nap . They were so tired and went to sleep very fast . They are still sleeping though and it is almost 5 : 00 . I may have to wake them up before long . I am very tired too . Mowing the lawn made me face how out of shape I am . So , nothing too exciting going on around here . I have still been spending a lot of time researching the various home schooling curriculum and I am still leaning towards My Father 's World . I am going to go back to The Well Trained Mind and compare their recommendations to MFW 's curriculum to see where we would need to supplement , as I am pretty sure we would . I am thinking of purchasing MFW 's preschool year . It looks cute and I would like to see what their manual that comes with it looks like . I am going to research this further before I do though . Research , research , research . . . . that seems like all I do these days . Thankfully , I enjoy researching : ) . I need to post some new pictures . I have been bad about posting pictures lately and I so enjoy looking at other people 's pictures of their children on their blogs . So I really need to get with the program . I was raised in Oklahoma and , although I have lived in many cities in the U . S . , I consider OK home . My husband ( aka ' the dad ' or ' the husband ' , since he doesn 't want me to use his name ) was raised in the Chicago area but Tucson , AZ is home for him . We were married a little later in life but we know that God brought us together and we are very thankful for that . I am now a stay at home wife of my dear husband , mom of our two sweet little boys and soon to be homeschool teacher of my two sons . . . and I love it ! The adoption of our beautiful sons from Volgograd Russia was finalized on January 17 , 2007 . It took around a year from the very beginning of our process to the end . I have tried to include lots of information about our adoption process on this blog , all of the ups and downs we experienced , what to bring and what not to bring , what our trips to Russia were like , etc . If you have any questions for us , please feel free to email me at lea @ pisarik . com . Various Blogs I Read |
I am going to pick up where I left off on meeting the man of my life . I know every one is busy with the busyness of Christmas cooking and preparations enjoying the spirit of Christmas . I am enjoying a Christmas Blessing with grand children and my youngest daughter . The first picture is the man of my life . I left off telling you C . C . came to town every chance he could when he did not have duty at the naval air station . I met him in June and the summer passed quickly . Between work at the restaurant , and my free time with C . C . no one else mattered and before you know it C . C . got his orders to attend air control mans ' school in Olathe Kansas . We laughed because he said , " Are you proposing to me ? " I replied , " You can call it what you want , because I am not letting you get away from me . " We talked about how the Lord brought us together . We did not have much time to arrange a wedding even if it is just family . This caught him off guard because I then told him that he had to go and ask my dad if he could marry me . And ask for his blessing . We both knew it would be okay because C . C . was always there but nevertheless he had to ask . One Sunday dad was playing solitaire at the kitchen table and C . C . asked him if he could talk to him . Uncle George was still living with us and was at the table kibitzing while dad played cards . C . C . saw he was not going to leave so he just sat down and spilled out his plans . Now my father was accustomed to C . C . being around and was kind of expecting it so the answer was yes . I was 19 years old and the baby of the family . When the relatives ( pictured to the left ) heard of the marriage they bombarded my dad telling him he should not allow the youngest to get married until her older sisters were married first . I was so proud of my dad when he told them he is in charge of his family not them . He came to America to be free and not tied to " old " customs . They raised their families the way they wanted without his input and he will finish raising his the American way . We were off to a good start because we had my father 's blessing . I never cared about wearing a bridal gown and chose to wear a brown suit with baby doll shoes and C . C , chose to wear his one and only suit which was brown . We knew it had to be a small practical affair because we would be making plans for my travel by train to Kansas . The military would move C . C but we had to make the arrangements for me , his wife . He was too low on the military ranking for the government to pay for my move so we were on our own . We learned early on how to pinch pennies . Here are pictures of our wedding in N . J . and dad and moms ' in Greece . I am glad my dad did not abide by the Greek wedding vows . Traditions really were different . Old country weddings lasted weeks and we did not have that much time . My oldest brother and his girl friend were best man and bridesmaid . She went to school with me and her honor was she never missed a day of school in twelve years . My best friend was away at college and could not attend the wedding . We married in October in the same church Tippy use to sneak in and hide under the pews waiting for my dad to leave . It was a small group of family and friends . All those attending the wedding came to the house afterwards for cake and ouzo . Ouzo is a Greek liquor that taste like licorice . The Greeks always ate sweet cake with it . Now my honey never saw any of the Greek customs especially the way they celebrated different occasions . When they passed the ouzo to everyone they waited for the groom to take the first swallow and they would follow . Well C . C . took a sip and then they joined I gulping it down laughing and speaking Greek , which left C . C . stunned telling me later he never saw " old folks " drink like that . I guess at that time he was wondering what kind of family he was getting into . You have to understand we did not see our relatives often because we lived in N . J . and they were in New York City . and celebrations were few and far between because dad was not a drinker or a traveler . We went to New York City for our honeymoon and then came home and prepared to leave the next day for a four - month stay in Kansas . We were young , happy and had a lot to learn which I will tell you later . Until next time , I am Immigrant daughter . The Christmas season is upon us and the stores participate wither they believe in the Birth of Jesus Christ or not because it is all about money . I choose not to buy anything from merchants who do not believe . It is so easy to know where they stand because they say happy holidays and nothing about Christmas and the birth of our savior in their voice or decorations , I keep this boycott going through the rest of the year . Some time ago a friend sent me the following in her Christmas card . I kept it these many years and I would like to pass it on to you . 10 FREE gifts for Christmas ( You don 't even have to shop for them . ) 1 . The gift of LISTENING - Why not give this valuable gift to someone who lives alone ? And you must really listen . No interrupting , no daydreaming , no planning your responses . Just listen . 2 . The gift of SIGNS OF AFFECTIONS - Be generous with your hugs and gentle squeezes of the hand . Let these tiny actions demonstrate the love inside YOU . 3 . The gift of a NOTE . It can be as simple as " I love you , " or as creative as a sonnet . Put your notes where they will surprise your loved ones . 7 . The gift of LEAVING ALONE - There are times in our lives when we want nothing better than to be left alone . Become more sensitive to those times and give solitude . 10 . The gift of PRAYER - - Pray for those on your Christmas list . Praying for someone says , " You are so special to me that I talk to God about you , thanking HIm for His Gift . " I want to tell you about my 16th birthday and why it was so important . I wanted to get my driving license because dad bought a new car on my brother 's safe return from his tour of duty in the Navy . It was a Kaiser automobile and we girls did not want to be left out of getting our turn to drive it . I needed to have someone take time to teach me beside my brothers who were always too busy . My one brother had a friend who was one year older than he was that had an old Hudson car with a stick shift . He took me under his wing and taught me to drive before I turned 16 so that I could go take the test on that day . That 's him on the right in this picture . I learned on flat country roads and when I got to Pennsylvania there are hills and more hills . When I had to stop on top of a hill with my foot on the clutch and the other on the brake so I would not stall or roll back my heart was in my mouth many times . I do feel now that it made me a better driver . My second sister learned on Mr . Millers ' Buick Roadmaster with an automatic transmission . Now my third sister was not in a hurry to learn how to drive but when she did she bought herself a Chevy . You can imagine just how much we are alike even though she is seven years older . We worked in the restaurant together and knew how to have fun and work at the same time , . She had a good attitude and took things in stride . My best friend B . J . in high school , her dad owned the drug store across the street from the restaurant and when we worked after school and evenings we were able to wave at each other . That 's her on the right . Their store had a soda fountain and many of the kids use to meet there and when the restaurant had a lull I use to run across the street to join in while keeping an eye on our place . Like I said had my sister had a good attitude and did not mind . In fact when B . J and I wanted to skip an afternoon study hall she use to write us both an excuse . We left school early many times . About these notes one day she played joke on us and we did not know it until we got to school . She wrote , " Dear Mr . Walzer please use one of the other excuses because I am tired of writing them . ' I want to mention here the fun my sister and I had with each other and the regular customers . We had one in particular that like to play jokes on us and of course that worked both ways . His name was Gordon and he worked as a foreman in the service department of an automobile dealership . He came in on his coffee break at the same time every workday . One day he did not show up and every time the different regulars would come in they would ask where is Gordon ? When Gordon did show up he didn 't sit at his usual place at the counter where we had his coffee waiting but came in and slid in a booth where a lady was sitting all by herself . Gordon was very quiet and not being the talkative person that we saw daily . Come to find out this was his wife . She had heard so much from the shop people about the " girls " down at the restaurant that she had to come in and see for herself . The man who owned the cigar store always came in for coffee and we called him " grand pop " . He always wore a felt hat no matter what the temperature . He had many hats but one in particular was an old brown one . The men always removed their hats when inside and use to put them on the counter in front of them . One day when we were in our fun mood we kidded Grand Pop about his hat being too warm for the day and we would help him by making it air conditioned . I took his hat and cut holes all over the hat making it look very funny . It seemed that some of the people who knew him well got involved and would say here 's a spot for us to cut another hole . He was a good sport and I am thankful that he liked us . I guess I am getting carried away with some of these stories . But I wanted you to know my sister is 86 year old and although she is not as lively as she used to be , she is still lots of fun . As I talk to her on the telephone and remember some of these stories we laugh a great deal . Neither of us can hear too well and miss a lot that was said because we both wear hearing aids , but we thank the Lord for good memories . I talked my 2nd sister to go to the lake with me on a hot Sunday afternoon . As I mentioned before my sisters did not like the outdoors as much as I did and after some coaxing she came . I had at my disposal every Sunday a new panel truck thanks to the owner who owned the department store . This first picutree is of him , that same sister , and me . He was a dear friend of the family that came in the restaurant for coffee and I used to clean his glasses and couldn 't understand how he could see out of them . I understand now because I wear glasses that get very dirty before I clean them and when I do I wonder why I waited so long . We went to the lake after church and no sooner than we got in the water a thunder storm let loose rain and the life guard ordered everyone out of the water . We ran for our vehicle and decided to wait to see if it stopped . The truck with the department stores ' name on it was parked under the trees . The car that was parked next to it had four young men in it and they rolled down their window and asked if we had a match . We did not smoke and I automatically said no . To my surprise my sister pipes up and said yes she had one and that led to more conversation . We found out they were from the Naval Air Station down the road . The rain did not look like it was going to stop so we invited them to follow us home for lunch . Now when we came in with four sailors in wet bathing suits carrying their clothes we had to explain this to my father who was reading the paper in his easy chair . My other two sisters were home as well so we fixed lunch and had an enjoyable afternoon playing monopoly . That is how I met the man of my life . My father was very strict about boys and dating , but never objected to company as long as he was present . C . C . found out my work schedule and hitched hiked to town if he didn 't have the money for the bus ride . We went to the lake every chance we could . I found out C . C . was in the Navy waiting for assignment to air control mans ' school which would not be for awhile . He was working as an airplane mechanic . He was an orphan that called Michigan home . I don 't know how long we had Tippy but I do remember Tippy was mom 's dog and just tolerated the rest of us . My father was not fond of pets . Oh , he put up with them because of mom . Someone brought mom a little kitten and Tippy welcomed the company to curl up with while sleeping . Tippy learned quickly who was boss in our household and he followed my dad everywhere and I mean everywhere . When dad went to the Town Council , V . F . W . , Board of Education and political meetings Tippy would follow him in and wait under his chair being extremely quiet . He never barked or growled so he wouldn 't be thrown out . It was easy for Tippy to follow because we walked everywhere . The only one he would wait for was dad . When he followed us to school as soon as the bell rang to go in Tippy would leave . On Sunday when we walked to church he would follow us , but not be allowed to go in . He would patiently wait until someone else came and as soon as they opened the door , scooted in crawling under the pews until he found where we were sitting . He sat quietly until church was over , When mom was in bed for that year Tippy stayed by her side except to go out when he needed . The day mom died and the undertaker was called and carried mom 's body out to the hearse , the dog seemed to know she wasn 't coming back and that afternoon Tippy ran in front of a car and died on the spot . I will never forget July 18 . 1942 . I lost both my mother and her dog who loved her so much . I am , IMMIGRANT DAUGHTER . My older brother Tommy , when mom died , ran off and joined the Navy . He was just old enough and guess what ? He was in the Navy ! He ran away from nbeing a " cook " . The Lord does work in strange ways to teach us . Will we ever learn ? Probably not . By the time I saw my brother again a lot of time passed . I was enjoying life growing up . My sister Sophia had a friend who knew of the situation of mom and she felt she needed to educate Sophie and her sisters about babies . I was included and that is how I learned about the birds and bees . Even though we had a maternity home next door , that 's the first time I had heard this , and as " Paul Harvey would say , " Now for the rest of the story " . Sohpia had two husbands who worshiped the ground she walked on but never had children . She was a diabetic who never took care of herself and it is sad because she died when she was 50 years old . My father had a younger brother who was a diabetic that died because he drank too much . He was a handsome young man , so when my dad was diagnosed with diabeties when he was 70 years old his life took a drastic change . He was good size around the waist because of all the good Italian bread and food he ate . When the doctors in the hospital told him what he could and couldn 't eat he came home and never ate the old way again especially the bread . He then would only eat wheat bread and no donuts or pies . He did love his fat El Producto cigars and chewing on those seem to help . His discpline gave me a good example because I became diabetic when I was 22 years old . Until next time , I am Immigrant Daughter . In the 8th grade we had to make our graduation dresses in sewing class on a treadle sewing machine . I was sort of handicapped , not having my mother around to help me . What I am about to tell you made me cry at the time but now it seems kind of funny . The first instruction from the teacher was to shink the material first . I did this and hung it on the line and it hung pretty low to the ground . The dog we had pulled it off the line and drug it all around ! Four yards made quite a banner for him to run with and drag it on the ground . I was crushed because there wasn 't any money to buy new , and I had to go to school with damp material because it did not have enough time to dry . After a long year of struggle making this dress , the picture above is what I looked like . A perm in my hair helped . I finally made it to high school and was so glad . I knew I did not want home economics after that dress I had to make , so I chose the college course because most of my friends were in that course . In September of 1944 we had a hurricane that uprooted the tree in front of our house . In high school I played field hockey and basketball . I guess I was in good physical shape because I was on the varsity squad in the second year of high school . My brother , Andrew , played football and basket ball and Dad used to come and watch him play both sports . Andy was short but wiry and played really well . He had all the girls chasing him . When I graduated high school my dad who was a town councileman and on the Board of Education , had the privilege of handing the seniors their diplomas . What an honor for me ! Here is a man who taught himself to read and write in the most beautiful script penmanship , and he was my father ! Now I was the one who was proud . The senior class spent three days in Washington D . C . and for me to go I had to borrow some of my sisters ' clothes . Oh , I had some clothes because by that time Dad was giving me a salary of $ 15 . 00 per month ; and needless to say , as a girl I spent most of it on clothes . I can remember my first pair of high - heeled shoes . They were brown suede platform ankle straps . I remember learning to walk in them . I must have given everyone a good laugh watching me walk to church . I will tell more on myself next time . When dad and mom closed the store on Saturday night around midnight , his sister and husband would drive over from Vinland to play cards . They played Pinochle , men against the women . Pinochle is a great card game and I love to play it and in later years I never could find anyone who knew how to play . I remember there were many words spoken out loud with lots of yelling over cards played . My father hated to lose especially on what he considered a dumb play . This game has bidding to find out who names trump . It is played with a pinochle deck . In case you are not aware , there are no cards under 9 making 48 cards in the deck . It takes a lot of counting and remembering what suits were played . It is really good game using your brain . We had a neighbor who was a nurse who ran a nursing home delivering babies . The doctors use to have their patients go there instead of the hospital . This nurse was very large and had a special car made just for her . I would call it limousine today . It had to be roomy to carry her around . When we got a ride in it we were impressed by all the gadgets especially the cooler , when she gave us a cold soda . This nurse , whose name was Cotty , had a pet goose named Dilly who was mean and would attack anyone who dared to enter her territory . I was afraid of Dilly who was no " Aflack " goose that 's for sure . Cotty watched our house like a hawk and would make sure mom and dad knew what was going on at our house . My oldest sister never like housework of any kind and washing clothes only happened when everything she owned was dirty . It would take her all day because using a wringer washing machine had to have the water dumped out and new water added for clothes that were not colorfast . Well when she stood outside at the clothesline she would hang out about 25 panties and as many bras and slips . Cotty couldn 't stand ; it she would yell from her screened porch " what 's matter Sophia run out of money to buy new ones " . Plus she had many other items of clothing on the line . Ladies wore silk stockings then and they were easy to wash in the sink , but not Sophia she had umpteen hanging on the line . Sophia played the piano and could sing . She had an operatic voice that was pleasant to hear . We had on old black ebony upright piano that we use to gather around to sing . Those were fond memories and I think the new generation lost the family closeness with all the new sound systems available to listen to . The Desert Song and Rosemarie and many other love songs are things of the past . I can still hear my sister singing " I Promise You " at my wedding . Those are good memories . Until next time , I am Immigrant Daughter ' Continuing on with the story . . . The whole family worked in the restaurant . I , being the youngest , had a job peeling a pot of potatoes every day . Needless to say I do not particularly like potatoes to this day . We all had different jobs at different ages . You can see I was the lowest rung on the ladder and got the least popular job . One thing funny about peeling potatoes : in the back room I would sing crazy ding a ling songs and one day my father couldn 't stand to hear such nonsense . He came yelling at me in Greek that if I can 't sing anything but garbage to shut up . At that moment I started to sing " Onward Christian Solders " and I thought , " Now I did it " and that I would get spanked . He got so mad that I heard things in Greek that I can not repeat . Growing up in the restaurant allowed us to meet many different people making it easy to talk to strangers . My sister Electra and I worked more in the restaurant than any of the others . I will just tell you some of the stories that I can remember . It was so long ago from 4 year old to 79 that is a long span to remember things in order . But I am game to tell it , if you are to hear it . Dad and mom moved the restaurant across the main street to the corner across the street from the train station . The commuter trains from Atlantic City to Philadelphia stopped in Hammonton several times a day taking the people to and from work out of town . The restaurant was larger and we were busier . Mom and Dad did all the cooking , we were all older and our life changed . We were in the new place about 8 months when mom slipped in the kitchen on a piece of fat and broke her hip . Now our back yard neighbor doctor was out of town and mom went to a doctor covering for him . Well he did not agree with her about her hip and said she just bruised it . It kept hurting and when doctor Elliott returned he suggested she go the the hospital in Philadelphia . She had been there many times , I didn 't know it then , but she had both breasts removed because of cancer . She rode the train or bus to go to the hospital . With a broken hip it must have been very painful . We did not have a car . I can relate to that as I am recovering from a broken right hip and I went to the emergency room in a very comfortable Honda Accord . The doctors and nurses couldn 't imagine why I didn 't call 911 for a more comfortable ambulance ride . I was 11 years old when this happened and as I said my life changed and not for the better . My mother was brought home with a body cast that started under her breast area to the end of her right foot . With the house being three stories mom 's bed was moved down into the living room that had a square bay window so she could look outside . She enjoyed watching the kids passing by going to the Roman Catholic School that was just around the corner from our house . She laid in that bed for one whole year . Electra had the loving nurse instinct and had her bed brought down to the living where mom 's bed was to take care of her needs . She had it doubly hard because my dad took that bed and called up to Electra to come down when mom needed anything . She had accepted the responsibility without a whimper . The restaurant still required the same amount of time , but now we had mom at home who needed meals and going to the bathroom , which required the bed pan duty . The three of us younger children still had to go to school and we had to adjust getting up time and working at the restaurant but loved sitting by the bed listening to mom 's stories . I can 't remember anything but loving words from mom ' I never heard " why me Lord " . She just accepted whatever happened as her lot . I had the job of running home with her lunch during lunch time from school and helping during rush hour and gulping down my lunch . This hung on for one full year and then mom died . She was 45 years old . I was 12 years old . I will never forget the Greek custom of the family sitting up all night with the body and kissing it before they closed the coffin . Believe me that is a custom that is changed in my belief . Until next time I am Immigrant Daughter . I want to say that my father was the boss . There was no talking back , and when he spoke it was the last word period . Growing up you knew where you stood in the family . When my two oldest sisters went to work they would bring their paychecks home and turn it over to dad and he would give them an allowance from it . My second sister was a booker keeper in one of the factories . Back then bookkeepers had lots of responsibility of payroll , keeping taxes paid and attendance hours of workers . She knew each and every worker that worked in the factory . She was good and so honest that the owners wanted to have her baby sit their children . When she was asked to sit for two families on the same night , she would recommend her younger sister . Now this is my third sister who worked in the restaurant and was still in school so this is how she got to baby sit . This third sister was smart in school , all A 's . It was hard for me being the youngest following a sister who was so smart even with the years between us because teachers never forgot other family members especially being the only Greek family in town . We walked to school all twelve grades at the same place , three separate buildings . I heard so many times , " Why can 't you do like your sisters ? " Like I said being the youngest of six was not the best at times . I mentioned to you my father taught himself to read and write English . He went on to be elected to the Board of Education whenI was in high school . More about that phase of my life later . In the last post I had a picture of the first restaurant and a picture of me inside the restaurant behind the counter as a little girl . I was able to run out the back door to play outside in the large yard behind the restaurant . The family played ball , and dad would come out and bat the ball over the barn and we would have to go find it . One day , instead of the ball going straight over the barn , it went to the right and broke a window in the doctors house . Dad ran in and left us kids out there to face the music . The doctor was kind but his wife was not . She never gave the balls back but after she cooled , down the doctor would throw the balls back in the yard . I think he knew who really broke the window . My sisters are just a year apart then after two years my brother and another two and a half years my next brother and another two years I came in the picture . I really can 't imagine what she went through . I thought I worked hard but I can 't hold a candle to what she did . Greetings from the south ! I must tell you I am not from here originally but consider this my home by choice . My parents were both Greek immigrants and have quite a story they passed down to six children . I am the youngest and I can tell you I did not have the hardship on me that my sisters and brothers had . This story is about my father who was hidden by his mother so that he would not be taken to fight in the Turkish army . When he was a child it seems that the Turks were in control of Greece and they just would take the boys no matter what age to fight in the army . After she hid him she made arrangements to ship him off to America where he would be free . He knew no English and I do not know the particulars of just how he got here but when he did he was 17 years old . I really don 't think he knew for sure just how old he was . But he ended up in the army in America . He loved his new country and was proud to be an American . After the army he made his home in Pennsylvania in the coal country working in a candy making process . He worked hard and long hours saving money to send for his brothers and sisters who wanted to come to America . He eventually opened his own candy store in Ashland , Pennsylvania , called Candyland . His mother and one married sister chose to stay to Greece but two brothers and three sisters came plus many friends who are relatives . My father taught himself to read and write English . Some of the ones he brought over chose not to learn and stayed in the Greek community . My father went back to Greece to marry my mother and brought her brother and two sisters back to America . My father was a worker and paid the expense for all of them . Of course until they could find work he let them help making candy until they went on their own . He was not satisified to stay in Pennsylvania , because it was getting like the old country he left behind , so he moved bag and baggage planting his family in a small town in New Jersey that was all - Italian . We were the only Greek family and so they called us the " Greasy Greeks " because my father had a family restaurant . He needed to because he had six children to feed . He and my mother made a name for themselves with their cooking and baking . They had an ongoing waiting list for their pies . It seemed like they were gone before they made it to the customers in the restaurant . I can still taste their coconut custard pie and to this day mine does not compare . I need to tell you how my father opened up without any money . It wouldn 't happen in this day and age . He went first to scout out the town to make sure it was small , with working class people . Factories that made men and women 's clothing , coats and suits . In fact there is a famous men 's suit called Hammonton Park suits made there and shipped out to expensive men 's clothing outlets . They did not sell any to the local people . My oldest sister was a hand finisher in the factory . They are the ones who hand sew the lining and labels in the jackets . We lived two blocks from the factory . My father went in to the cigar store and asked the man who owned the building that had a double side that was empty . My dad went in and asked the owner if he could sell hot dogs and sandwiches in his window . They used to build buildings with big deep front windows that they would advertise what they sell like dress shops putting clothes they sell in the windows so people would be enticed to come in to buy items . Now dad did not have any money for rent because he spent what he had on the food to sell . The man was kind and after hearing dads ' story he let him because dad said he would pay him from the sales . Here is the first restaurant , next to the cigar store , around 1936 : That progressed into renting the store next door and opening a restaurant and hiring one waitress while he and mom did the cooking . This quiet life lasted for several years . In the meantime dads ' sister and husband moved into a town just 20 miles away and they too opened a restaurant only theirs wasn 't a small family restaurant . Theirs was a larger and fancier establishment . I wore many of their daughters ' hand me downs which were pretty fancy . My mother made our clothes so you can imagine how I loved getting those hand me downs . I now realize how hard my mother worked making clothes in her spare time after working long hours in the restaurant . The next phase of my life was a sad time . My dad moved the restaurant across the main street to a larger place that was on a corner right across the street from the train station . Our town was a place that the train had lots of commuters going to Philadelphia and Atlantic City . Our town was located about 30 miles from each . Dad received the contract to sell bus tickets because buses came through town every hour going either way . That helped business because the bus company paid well . The restaurant opened at six am and closed at midnight . They were long hours , as I mentioned before my dad was a hard worker who had a hard working wife by his side . All of us six kids worked in the restaurant . We ate all of our meals in the restaurant . We were never closed except Christmas and Easter days . The only thing we did at home was sleep . I live in the country and am recovering from a broken hip . It keeps me inside too much . I rely on " stick Horse " which isn " t bad to get me to busy places . I find I am getting impatient with getting my balance back . My healing is fine but the process of getting back to normal and its putting me back some . I didn 't expect to spent so much time inside when I moved down here . Am beginning some more physical therapy , which should help . I am thankful stickhorse started me blogging . I getting to meet some nice people . |
When you do not have a telephone , how can you call up your friends , parents , etc . , most of whom do not even know you have a boyfriend , that you have decided to get married ? Alright , my old room mates whose couch I had warmed all weekend knew I had a new " friend " and that we had been been together for the time he had been in town that weekend . It was a week before I was back in town for my church meetings . They were still shocked that it had happened so fast . My parents did not have a phone yet , but I wrote my mother a letter as soon as I got home on Monday night . There was a phone in the hall , but it was long distance , although I was only ten miles out of town . I decided not to tell my classes yet . So who was the first to know ? My PRINCIPAL , Mr Spears , whom I disliked and who would have been the last person I would have told . This is how it happened . Before school was out the next day , I got a note from Spears asking me to come to his office as soon as school was out . He had often asked for favors , usually to have me sub on my free period for some teacher who was out sick . I thought it was something of that nature or to make refreshments for some meeting he was having . His first question was , " Where were you this weekend ? " I wanted to ask , " Who wants to know ? , but I proceeded to tell him about my activities . Then he shocked me with , " The townspeople wondered who was bringing you to school early in the morning . It did not look good , and they wondered where you had spent the night " . I explained that Ted , the fellow who had helped me at the Halloween party , had stayed at the YMCA . Then he dropped the bomb . " Are you going to marry him ? " as if to imply , " From what we have seen , you should . " I threw back my head and said , " As a matter of fact I am . " I told him it would probably be after school would be out in June and that we would live near Fort Bragg . It was legally my notice . This handsome soldier 's picture was taken as soon as he got dressed in his uniform , his first day in the army You can see how happy he is to be serving his country . The Korean war was on and ( a ) he knew he would be drafted as soon as he graduated from BYU and ( b ) he desperately wanted to be a paratrooper . Draftees did not always get their choice . They were called " devildogs in baggy pants " , because they wore the legs of their pants stuffed into the top of the boots , bloused they said . He hoped to see the world , starting with Korea , and by the time we met he had volunteered for overseas duty , and was disappointed that they turned him down . It was fate ! ! As soon as that big diamond was on my finger I made him promise he would not volunteer for any extra duty . He had been jumping from every airplane that had an extra seat , although he was only obligated to jump once a month to get the " jump pay " which was an extra hundred dollars . In this photo his hair looks longer than I remember . They probably marched him to the barber right after the photo shoot for the signature crew cut . Actually , I did not see see him in uniform for several months . He always wore those neat cashmere sweaters or a suit . In an earlier post I told how we met and that he arranged a four day pass ( 72 hours ) to visit me in Durham . I was too busy to pick him up at the bus station , so my old friend took my car and brought him to my school where I had multi responsibilities for the school Halloween party , the biggest fund raiser for the year . My students were selling homemade candy apples . I was in charge of the beauty contest . The girl who had the most money raised was the beauty queen . Actually she was the prettiest . Whew ! ! Some of the boys wanted to dress up like girls and put on a fashion show - 25 cents admission . We borrowed girls clothes and depending on which girls were in the audience , the clever announcer inserted their names into the dialogue . The crowd went wild with the girls ' reactions . I put Ted in charge of dressing the boys , who had been asked to get the outfits complete with the biggest bras they could find . He was busy stuffing the bras when one guy pulled from each pocket a huge dirty foam falsie saying they were his sisters . It was quite a night . I took Ted to the YMCA for the weekend and I camped out on the sofa of my old roomies , as I did about every weekend . The next morning we drove up to Roxboro to do some Relief Society business and in the afternoon we saw a football game , Duke & Georgia Tech . A movie that night , The Red Shoes ( Moira Schearrer ) completed the day . It was then I discovered he wore glasses . Then I insisted he drive my car which he had hesitated to do . From then on he was the driver . Sunday was mostly church meetings . , My car was developing a funny sound so he suggested he should drive me home and take my car to get it fixed . I decided on my friends ' couch another night and have him take me to school in the morning . Anything to keep from building a fire in the coal stove in my apartment ! When school was out , Ted was there and at my door was a huge box of kindling he had cut on the school 's woodpile , with a note , " See how handy a man can be around the house . " It was time to take him to the bus station . We talked and talked and kissed and kissed while we waited for the bus . Just before it came he asked me to marry him and I said I would . He jumped out of my car and ran for the bus . Posted by After taking a few years away from this blog , I find I am closer ninety than I had thought I would be at the end of the story . . The pause was not intended . Several things happened . We decided to go on another mission . As I read through my last posting I realized I was not in the right frame of mind to finish . Often I would lie in bed thinking of how I would write my next blog . If sleep did not come right away , I would get up , write an experience and try again to get back to sleep . When I realized I had written the same experience twice , I knew it was time to get my mind on something else , especially the learning of Spanish , since we had been called to Spain . It was our fifth mission , and I knew missionary work would be my whole life for two years . The next post was to tell all the details of falling in love and committing to marriage in one long weekend . It is a good story , but it will be the next post after this . My soldier boy proved to be the best fiance , the best husband , father and grandfather on the planet . Maybe I should add son - in - law and brother - in - law , because my family has loved him too . We had another year in the army at Fort Bragg . Then it was graduate school at Brigham Young University and the U . of N . M . in Albuquerque making perfect grades , becoming the favorite of a world recognized professor who coached him through paleography and writing an outstanding dissertation translated from 15th century Spanish script . Ted later translated the journal of the first Europeans in our state and added to the history used today . He has been a leader in our church serving as a bishop to students at the university and counselor to three other bishops . He has enjoyed teaching and being involved in helping others , especially young people , appreciate the heritage we have . Now that he is suffering from severe dementia , many of his former students and colleagues stop by the house to help him remember the good times they had and the influence he has been on their lives . It is a good time . We have lived in many parts of the world , taken many people in our home from all over the world to live . We have saved enough to live well . Yes , it is a good time , and we feel we have a few more good years left . I have 50 tulips left to plant today and I will get back to the story tomorrow . By the time I had worked at Duke University Hospital a year , in March ' 52 , I was ready for a new challenge . I was enjoying my church work and my frtiends there more than the hospital staff . I was still president of the Relief Society and also teaching all the young women in the small branch , four of them who came regularly . A fifth , the oldest child of Dr . Reuben Hill came from Chapel Hill with her father 's graduate student , Joel Moss and his wife . Joel got his doctorate in Family Science and taught at BYU where we see him often . Rueben was a pioneer in the field , and had written the college text , The Family , which we had used in college . An announcement of a distrrict church activity to be held always brought my four regulars begging to be taken to the affair . This was a Saturday afternoon workshop to be followed by a formal dance in the evening . The venue was a beautiful new chapel about two hours away near Greensboro . I was not confident enough of my driving to do it , but they recruited a senior boy more than willing . I actually looked forward to the day because I had seen a tall , dark , handsome fellow from Colorado who had just come to Greensboro to teach in a college there . My best friend from church , Pat Dowdy , a student at Duke , had met him and was unimpressed . . He had unusually long hair on top which he would fling around when he played the piano . Pat called the virturoso The Hair , but I was not interested in anyone else , and I was interested in his new light blue convertable . His name was Stan Kimball , and I thought he was very handsome . We talked for quite a while when a soldier from Fort Bragg brought over a friend to introduce to me . He quickly asked me if I were . interested in the dance workshop . Stan had other plans , so Ted and I joined the dance workshop , at the end of which Ted asked me if I would accompany him to the formal dance in the evening . Wanting to reconnect with Stan , I told him I would see him there , because I had borrowed formals from all my friends for my teens to wear to their first fDoris Warner Spring of 1951 was not all fun and games . The hardest thing about my job was having a desk that faced the head dietitian , Mrs . Martin , a 95 lb . spritely red head who did not seem to like me , nor even recognize I was there most of the time . My job was to take the budget and from the money for the week design a menu of all 3 meals per day . There were many factors to consider : 1 ) Who was eating the meal ? The doctors and nurses , the private patients who got the best we had , the public patients who might even be welfare , but ate less expensive food , or the colored dining room where all colored workers ate , even if they were doctors or licensed nurses . They got a lot of soul food and cornbread . Almost all of the domestic help were black . A fifth menu was made in the special diet kitchen in categories depending on the person 's illness , but I was not knowledgeable enough to be a part of that . 2 ) Each recipe had a cost label according to the time of the year , whether it was in season or not . 3 ) Each recipe had a yield . Some recipe 's for 100 would not quite make that many servings , but others would make more , even up to 120 servings . 4 ) Then there was the popularity factor to figure for the recipes to be made for the doctor 's dining room . Doctors and staff dietitians could eat in that side of the room . All others , nurses , secretaries , therapists , assistant dietitians and everybody else who worked there had to eat on the other , larger side with the two serving lines separating them . Anybody in the huge room could bring guests for lunch and dinner , charge it on an account . Seconds were served , even thirds ! The first mistake I made was going in at the same time one Sunday as my Bishop and his wife . He was a faculty plastic surgeon , and I just automatically sat down and ate with them . Mrs . Martin saw me and let me know the very next morning that I should never sit on that side . Word got around that Mrs . Martin frowned on the assistants socializing with the staff . There were twelve staff who had masters degrees and taught in the intePosted by Never has anyone been so excited to finish college and be taking on " real life " than I was in March of 1951 . By attending summer school I was able to finish a quarter early . Duke University had communicated with my dean about their need to hire a graduate for the hospital immediately . It was not what I had ever anticipated , but I was anxious for a job - any job . This one paid well , and I could live on campus in faculty housing , rent free and have all my meals at the hospital . My marine boyfriend took me to Durham for the interview . I borrowed a nice suit from Christine , my room mate , and got the job . He also moved me and my few things to my house , just a block from my work . Our relationship was at a standstill . We had never talked about marriage , but I had no one else , and I wondered if anything would ever come of it . He went to church with me occasionally , but had no interest in joining . Durham was too far to sustain a romance , and he could see that I was just too excited about my new situation . I would probably soon marry a rich doctor . Oh , yes ! ! ! My new house was in a block of little white bungalows with a front porch and a swing , a living room large enough for small parties , three bedrooms , a huge bath , a small kitchen and a storage room . We had a maid who cleaned our house once a week , made the bed with clean linen , vacumed , cleaned the kitchen , etc . The hospital paid her . We had to wear starched white uniforms , white hose , and comfortable nurses shoes . I had saved enough money to buy my uniforms , but I left my purse with the dry cleaning I was delivering for just a minute , missing it immediately when I got to the door of the student getting the dress , ran back down and it was gone . Martha Jorgensen lent me two hundred dollars to buy them , so most of my first pay check went to pay her back . The hospital also did my uniforms free . All I had to do was wash my stockings and undies , and had so much free time . The head dietitian asked if I knew anyone who would like to work and I contacted Christine . She was hired anPosted by This is the second year of my blog . Coming soon , I hope to share the excitement of graduating from college , getting my very exciting first job , saying farewell forever to my Tom Cruise look - alike boyfriend , and meeting the one I would spend the rest of my life with . It has been a difficult summer , compounded by a health problem that , hopefully , will resolve itself any day . Ninety percent of the time I have a teenager 's energy . If it returns tomorrow and I can resume normal activities like my shift with the Spanish speakers at the Provo Temple , and docent activities at the university art museum , I shall be so happy . We are hosting a first exhibit of James Tissot 's original watercolors , over a hundred that he was commissioned for a special New Testament edition a hundred years ago . I have never seen such beautiful scenes from the life of Christ . Photographed for the publication in black and white , they were archived and several editions printed , some of which are on display . They look as if he painted them yesterday , so brilliant are the colors ! They will be here until after Christmas for us to enjoy . Never had I felt so independent and sure of myself . The college treasurer complimented me on my good grades and arranged a loan for my tuition and whatever else I needed . I declined more than tuition , because I had been saving from the three jobs I had worked for a year . The state was paying me $ 50 each month to take two blind girls to their meals and read French and some other classes , a set number of hours each week . I was still saving some of my meal tickets to sell and had a dry cleaning business where I picked up in my dorm and delivered , keeping half the cash received . A week before the end of the spring quarter I went to a dance with some other girls . It was one of the famous bands of the era and I didn 't care if I danced . We always saw a few servicemen at the dances . You could tell , even if they were not in uniform , because they all wore the same G I shoes . . One asked me to dance and I had a rather nice time dancing with him all evening . I must have told him where I lived , and when I was going home for the week 's break , because at the end of one very hard day on the tobacco farm I decided to check out a bay tree which had large blooms . It is related to magnolia and smells heavenly . I came in from the fields with an arm full to make a bouquet for the living room and to my surprise he was there in our yard . This would have presented a problem except that I was not afraid to tell Daddy that we were going to a movie . He was down at the pier with some fishing buddies . We just marched down there and I introduced Phil Brown to him and said , " We are going to the show ! " Just like that ! Mama told me the next day he was really hurt that I didn 't ask his permission . I told her I would never ask his permission . I did not want another penny from him , and he did not need to control me . I shouldn 't have been so sassy , but it felt good . Phil was really handsome , like Tom Cruz , with a great personality and that same smile . With a bit more hair he could have doubled . He is probably bald now ! ! He played football for Cherry PointPosted by Concentrating on being the most productive student in the home economics program brought recognition . Everyone seemed to realize that I was making the best of every little opportunity , and my limited wardrobe didn 't bother me , but I was given an opportunity to improve my circumstances . The medical assn . of the area in NC purchased a large estate on the river not too far from Swansboro . One of the doctors approached my department head for the names of two girls with food prep experience to work at the place for the summer . Members who bought a stake in the property could schedule a week at the resort for their families with the dad joining them for the weekend . I was recommended , and for a few days was in heaven imagining how much fun it would be to prepare the meals , maybe pick up a little money baby sitting a few hours . My work at the health center making meals for patients got me the job . I knew Daddy would object because they needed me for the work in the tobacco , but I had it all figured out . i went home the first chance I had and explained that since I would have one day a week off , I would take my day off on " barn day " , the one day when I would really be needed on the farm . One of the boys could come for me the night before and I would work the 8 or 9 barn days , and would not have to ask him for any money for the next school year . Then came the final decision , " I will not allow you to be in a place like that . You just don 't know what could happen to you . Those doctors all get drunk on the weekend . You would have to serve liquor . Just forget it . " I was not quite 21 , and I sometimes wish I had broken the ties at that time , but Mama advised me to do as he asked . I hated to have to go down town and tell the people who were counting on me that my dad would not permit me to go . They could not believe he would let me turn down such a good opportunity . The girl who replaced me brought home $ 700 for her work . I was bitter for a while , and determined I would not even go home my last summer . At the end of the summer DaPosted by Heavy classes like chemistry and my work in the health center allowed me very little time to date , and frankly very few boys asked me out . Alton Gray was a junior , and a veteran who asked me to movies several times right at the end of the year , He wanted to visit me in the summer . In reply to his letter asking directions to my house in Swansboro , I told him I lived in the fourth shack , and I was not home much of the time , which was true , because we were farming during the day about a mile away . Then I dreaded his coming anyway , but he didn 't . I assumed he would be waiting for me to come back in the fall . The first day back I did see him - at the back door of the freshman dorm , with a tall dark beautiful freshman whom he married at the end of the year . It seemed to be a pattern . In my " nineteen lives " bit earlier , I told about a near drowning accident with a boy named Paul Riggs . We corresponded the summer after HS graduation and all through our freshman year . He was a student at a 2 yr religious college , Brevard . As soon as we got home for the summer we doubled with his cousin Sonne Odum and his girlfriend to a movie , after which they left Paul and me at my house where we sat in the swing on the front porch . We found very little to talk about . After a long period of silence he asked me , " How are your daddy 's crops ? " I heard a stifled laugh coming from inside the living room , just under the window next to the swing . Paul didn 't stay long and walked home . He had a summer job delivering ice . Each week he put a block in our box on the back porch . It was a luxury we had until I was 22 and bought Mama an electric refrigerator and gas stove with the first money I earned at Duke . My brothers had been evesdropping on our scintillating conversation in the swing . They had laughed about it all weekend . Miss Helen got a full report , and when Paul came to the back porch with the ice , Miss Helen , around the corner of the porch and with a high voice laughingly asked , " How are your crops ? " Paul 's face went as red as a beet . I didn ' tPosted by The second and third quarters of the freshman year were great fun . I loved every class except US History . Each time I tried to read my assignment I was so tired I fell asleep . Who could have imagined that I would become the wife of a prominent history professor ? It was a six year journey to meet him , so I will endeavor to describe my personal feelings along the way . With Christine being the most beautiful and most modest girl on campus , I occasionally had random dates through her boyfriends . The first month , in September , the campus newspaper featured the three most beautiful new freshmen . She was one of the three , but she never seemed aware of her unusual beauty . The second time I went home Chris and Ellen went home with me . I had told them that my home was very humble . The three of us slept in my parents ' bed in the living room and my parents slept in my single bed for the one night . We went to a movie with the boy I had a crush on in high school . He had been my only date my senior year . I was senior class president , and at the senior banquet I had to give a speech . I told my dad I had to have a formal dress ( true ! ) and an escort ( stretching a bit ) . He said I could ask James Grady , a very cute guy all the girls had a crush on whose nick name was " Sugar Man " . Two senior boys asked me , but I hesitated because I honestly didn 't think Daddy was going to let me go with a boy . I would have been so humiliated to have him drive me there and wait outside for the banquet to be over . S . M . had flirted with me for a year , and since he lived on the adjoining farm had even stolen a kiss once , but he knew my daddy ! One day he said , " Arthur said if I could get a date with you , he would lend me his car . " My dream was answered . Although Daddy said I had to be home 15 minutes after the banquet ended , I suspected that would provide enough time for some quick kisses before the last stretch where my dad would surely watch our approach to the house . I was completely uneducated in the intimacy game . When I was probably 14 or 15 I was wPosted by I was in a predicament , in real trouble because of a guy I didn 't even like . It was not hard to convince my folks that I really didn 't want to be with him . I explained the situation , omitting the part about the one date the night before . Joe did not have a car , so when I answered truthfully that I had not been in his car , but that it was the first time he had wanted to walk me home , and that he bought all the cafeteria tickets I couldn 't use , I think they understood that I had a big problem remaining friends with Joe in church and only in church . Avoiding him after church was difficult I used the Jorgensen children as an excuse and helped Martha get them rounded up and home on Sundays . I also got a lecture about our room . Ellen and Chris had gone to the Baptist Church , so there was nobody there . The door was unlocked , and they went in to look around . The beds were unmade and on the desk was a copy of God 's Little Acre . I convinced them it wasn 't mine . I wouldn 't waste my money on trash . What was also true but unspoken - we had all read it and were about to take it back to the girls next door . Joe 's mom continued to pressure me . When I graduated he was still there finishing his masters . Two years later I was married and he was teaching in Pinehurst . His mother was still living with him and we all became good friends , because we comprised almost half the membership in the Rockingham Branch , and we got into the habit of picking them up every Sunday for church . Joe still didn 't have a car . Twenty years after we left Southern Pines we had a call from a BYU student who said she was Joe 's daughter . She came to visit us , and when her parents came we had them all to dinner . I heard that her parents divorced . I wonder whatever happened to Debbie Sue . My two roommates became the closest friends I ever had . Chris was quite a bit taller that I , a bit of luck which literally made it possible for me to stay in college . It was a weird situation , to say the least , but it all had to do with fashion . Now , I have never been a fashion guru , although I can sew well , taught sewing to hundreds of students , even a few boys . In March of 1947 a fashion show in Paris by The House Of Dior rocked the world with a collection they called The New Look . Women have always been slaves to fashion , and at that time dress hems were measured to the bend of the knee in back . The two I made to take to college were that short . Not being an avid newspaper and magazine reader , and being totally absorbed with farm work all summer , I missed all the fuss . There was a big dance for the freshmen and friends , like Big Sisters , etc . , and I went , because it was not a date affair . There I saw my big sister for the first time since our escapade in the rain the Sunday I arrived . She and a friend were wearing the most amazing black dresses , a little longer in the back and reaching to within eight inches of the floor . Very slinky ! They both wore very sheer black stockings and very high heel patent leather pumps . All of these features were new . Stockings had always been flesh colored . Nylons , which were introduced a year before the war had not been available for five years . I turned 16 during the war and started wearing shoes with some heel and stockings made of rayon which made your legs look like glass . Silk stockings , which had been available , and very expensive , were made in the orient . We could get nothing from Asia , spices like black pepper and cinnamon , even rubber for auto tires , we just did without . I have never even owned a pair of silk stockings . The ones we did have had seams up the back , a pain to keep straight . The first weeks of that first quarter had everyone speculating about how long it would take the fashion industry and our students to catch up with the rest of the world . Every day we sawPosted by In my first letter home from college I thanked my parents for the speedy delivery of my money and related all I had learned , primarily that before I could go home at the end of 6 weeks for a week end , I needed a permission slip signed giving me permission to " leave campus " . The rules allowed two types of permits , a " general permit " and a " one time " permit . I sent the form for the general permit . There was no form for the restricted permit , but I assumed Daddy would write a note or something when I needed it . I even hoped he would trust me enough to sign the general permit . Daddy was one smart cookie . He figured out that if he signed it , I could leave any time I wanted , as long as I signed out properly saying where I would be visiting . Neither of us realized his signature was required even to go home for the weekend ! At the end of the six weeks I picked up an " Off Campus Permit " from the dean 's secretary , filled it out , stuck it in my mirror ( instead of returning it immediately to the office ) and did not thinkabout it again until Saturday morning when I was on the bus going home . I had told them in my letter what time the bus would deliver me to Deep Run . The moment I remembered my permit was still stuck in the mirror , I must have let out a moan and looked in agony , because the girl sitting beside me on the bus asked me what was wrong . When I explained my dilemma she said it was very serious . I could get expelled ! She had been chairman of the womens ' judiciary the year before , and knew how the trial worked for girls who broke the rules . She suggested that we ask the bus driver to stop at the next gas station so we could use the phone . I talked to Miss Morton , who gave me a stern warning . I was instructed to have my father bring me to her office Sunday night to varify that I had been with my parents all weekend , and as a little parting news she informed me that I did not even have permission to leave campus . My dad had not returned the form , written a note giving his permission for me to leave - nothing ! It was a miserPosted by In my last blog I tried to describe the trauma of getting started in my first quarter of college . For a poor little girl from the " sticks " I think I adjusted very well to my new life . Three people had a major influence at the time . I had met another Mormon student at a church conference who was in her last year and was in my major , home economics . My big sister had not mentioned helping me with the new experience of registering for classes , so when Lavina dropped by to welcome me and ask if she could help me , I was most grateful . She had been assigned to Ellen Buffkin from Tabor City who was rooming with her cousin , Christine Strickland , who had no big sister , it seemed . She offered to help all three of us . You figured out what classes you wanted , and patiently waited in a line in front of the professor 's chair at a long table . If the class was full , it was back to study the catalog . Chris was also in my major , and there were enough other required classes outside the major that Lavina put the three of us in many of the same classes . Consequently , we soon discovered we were spending most of our class time together and eating in the dining hall together . The Belle of Hobsville , my accidental roommate , spent all of her time with a high school friend . They had decided that although they were best friends , it was best to room with a stranger , have more adventure , meet more people . Marvis Hobbs never figured on meeting someone like me . She and several other girls on the hall had a hand at my hair , but nothing affected the tight frizz . Her morning squeel when she first popped her eyes open was a little hard for me to get used to , but I didn 't mind that she never wanted to be seen with me . I had Chris and Ellen who both dressed better than I , but they accepted me . Marvis , the only child of the president of the bank in Hobsville , had ordered her college wardrobe from Seventeen magazine , and they took up almost all of our closet space . One day I returned from my last class to find Marvis and all her belongings were gone . I raDoris Warner For all of my 18 years I had never known what it was to have any money . There was never any left when the crop was sold and last years debts paid . Daddy must have felt guilty about working us so hard and never giving us any spending money . With my college tuition to pay , he probably thought he could pay what I hadn 't worked off when the year was over . He really had no intention of letting me stay four years anyway . We read all the information and nowhere did it say WHEN the tuition was to be paid . My plan was to go over to the administration building and talk to someone about a job , so the very next morning I was the first one there , and discovered I needed to pay that very day . It was about $ 100 for tuition plus the room and board . Daddy had not left me any money , because I did not know when it was to be paid . I told him I would write when I found out . I hurried to find a pay phone and called the principal of my high school . He could not believe my dad had left me with no money . He said he would drive out to the farm and give him the message , and if he didn 't have the money , not to worry . Mr Munn said he would lend me the money . I must explain that I knew my dad had the money . It was MY money . My brothers and I could not believe him when he said the year before that he was going to let each if us have a plot of tobacco that we were responsible for . The harvested leaves were kept in separate corners of the barn , prepared for market , and we were there to collect our dough when it was sold . We each had several hundred dollars . I saved all of mine , but was afraid to take it with me . Mr . Munntold him where I would be all afternoon , and as I left the big meeting in the assembly hall , there they stood , Daddy with his hand outstretched to give me the big bills . I rushed over to the finance office and paid so I could register the next day . I had no spending money , but no real need for any . Freshmen were not allowed to go home the first six weeks , so I knew I could get some when I did go home . Before the six weeks ended I hPosted by A month ago I left the blogging scene sitting on my little foot locker in the hall on the top floor of Cotten Hall , the freshman girls dorm - September 1947 . My parents had not wanted to hang around to see who my roommate might be . Daddy 's parting statement was , " If I hear about you riding in a car with boys , you will come home ! " I knew he meant what he said , and I was not going to have my dreams shattered by disobeying him . After sitting there a while , seeing no other students about , I was surprised to see a beautiful girl approaching , asking my name . The dean must have told her I was there , and she announced that she was my " Big Sister " . The YWCA had a program to help incoming freshmen . I moved over and she sat on my locker and answered a few questions I had . Then she suggested we walk over to the student center where she could show me my mailbox , where to get my meals and other aspects of student life . We hung around a bit while she talked to several students checking their mail . Suddenly the skies darkened and a downpour commenced . Fifteen minutes later it showed no signs of letting up . Two guys had driven up to the building in a cute Model A Ford coupe . They dashed into the post office and recognized my friend . Seeing that we were stranded , they suggested we get into the car and be driven across campus to our dorm . It was a squeeze , but better than getting soaking wet . I prayed that Daddy had not forgotten something and was returning with another bit of sage advice . It was a chance I had to take , because I would have looked like the biggest idiot in the world to have done anything else . No , I had no guilt feelings . It really hurt to not be trusted . My behavior was not deserving of that distrust . I knew where I was going , and nothing short of disaster was going to stop me . I went back to my room , lay down on my bed and cried as I remembered Mama 's face as she looked when they left me . I was determined to never disappoint her . I fell asleep , and when I woke the storm was over and my roommate , the Belle of HobsvillPosted by Very early in my life , even in grade school , my teachers influenced me more than anyone else . They all told about their college experiences , and had us feeling that we should aspire to go . I guess I did not stop to realize what it would cost ; I just talked incessantly about going to college . My cousin Helen told me one day to shut up about going to college . " Your daddy is not going to let you go . Don 't you know that ? " As I have related in other posts , my health was great . I worked like a man , even before I was a teenager . My grades were getting me on the honor roll , but during my first year of high school I suddenly had trouble remembering things , and my grades took a drastic slide . I worried about it so much I could not go to sleep at night . My parents said I had a " wild " look in my eyes . My teachers noticed a change in my personality . I was " giddy " , almost out of control . Recently there was a child in our neighborhood who was a " crack baby " . Her mother had been a drug user . Watching her behavior reminded me of how I must have appeared during the brief period . On Saturday of the week my parents asked , " What in the world is wrong with you ? " I said I had not been to sleep in three nights , and they whisked me off to the doctor . The diagnosis was hook worms , and I was confined to bed . It was a common ailment in the south where children went barefoot on soil accessible to dogs infected with the disease . With two weeks of bed rest , raw egg milkshakes and other blood building potions to fight the anemia I was ready to go back to school . On the first day back , it appeared school was not quite ready for me . Mrs . Munn , the principal 's wife and English teacher for all grades asked me to leave the room while she talked to the class . She called me back in , and gave me a book all the class had signed . It was a mystery to me . Why did I need to be out of the room for them to sign the book ? The mystery became very clear that afternoon when I was riding the school bus home . A little second grader stared at me , and close to my face , Posted by Is there a magic potion that could make me computer literate ? ? ? This is just to explain why I have two blogs , almost exactly the same , following this note . Last night I only had an hour or so to get down the one in the series about segregation in the south . Our friends came for us as I was finishing it , and I hit a wrong button throwing it into a place I didn 't think I could retrieve . Thinking it would be better if I did it over this morning , I was typing away when Paige called . " Grandma " she asked , " are you having trouble with your blog ? " She was able to see I had written it , but I had not saved it , so I thought it was gone . Now , several hours later , I see that it is published . If you can stand to read both , tell me if I improved it at all . My husband read it and reminded me that he could remember the very incident which confirmed to him that I was no longer prejudiced . It was soon after we came to BYU , at a basketball game where we were playing Wyoming . They had a black player on their team , and two ignorant Cougar fan sitting several rows down from us kept yelling , " Get that n ____ out of there . " Now , that was the worst word you could say when we were growing up ! I took it as long as I could . Then , I stood up , parted the people in front of me who were sitting on the bleachers , and worked my way down several bleacher rows to where they sat . I put a hand on each of their shoulders , and amid the shouting , used my loudest , most affirmative voice to say , " You shut up ! I grew up in the South , and we never called them that name . It is the rudest thing you can do ! " I went back to my seat and they didn 't make another sound . I will consider that my repentance ! Growing up in the the deep south before even Lyndon Johnson thought about civil rights was a very interesting social experience . Two actions of mine still haunt me to this day . There was very little opportunity for me to be exposed to black families on a social level , although they lived all around us . Paul Greene , a journalist for the Raleigh News and Observer , and creator of the Lost Colony Pageant at Roanoke Island wrote that no matter how down in the gutter a white man was , there was always somebody who had to call him Mister . My family existed clearly as Poor Whites , or as some have described as Proud Poor , a step above . We were never on welfare , but it was a stark existence in most respects . In second grade we moved to a farm next door to a black family with a daughter about my age . Going to meet the bus , I always saw her in the yard . I stopped one day to talk to her . We didn 't talk about school . It was just understood that blacks did not go to school . Her name was Charity . She invited me into the house to see her picture . It was not just a picture of Charity in the 8 by 10 frame , but a picture of three girls who looked exactly alike , same dressses , same poses , standing side by side . Her mother explained that Charity was born with identical sisters , Faith and Hope , who died in infancy . The mother cried and told me how each year they had a new picture taken to honor her lost sisters . The family 's home was as clean as mine , and the parents ' bed , and in addition to being nicer and fluffier than my parents had a satin spread . The beds in my house were only covered with homemade quilts . I went home that day with a new reference point , and was excited to tell my parents of the experience . Not all blacks were dirty and smelled bad . Mama didn 't chastise me for going in the house , but had me understand that I must come straight home after that . I still think about Charity , and wonder if she ever got a chance to learn to read . By the time I was out of college and was on the other side of the desk , there were black schooPosted by I can never remember anyone calling me stupid . Nevertheless , I have to freely admit that in my youth I did a couple of things of which I am now ashamed . To set the stage for these confessions , let me explain the social background I came from . My people were what I have heard referred to as " the proud poor " . A famous North Carolina newspaper man , author of the " Lost Colony " pageant , Paul Greene wrote about the blacks during Martin Luther King 's fight for civil rights , " No matter how low a white man sinks , there is always someone who has to call him ' Mister ' " There were many black families in Lenoir County and the whole state for that matter , and I had regular contact with them . It never occurred to me to ask where , or if they went to school . I knew where the Negro churches were , and maybe there were grammar school classes held in those buildings . If any of them were literate , I was unaware of it . I might have been one of the first children to ride a school bus to a modern school . The black children were totally ignored . In second grade we moved into a tobacco farming neighborhood 15 miles from a town . I walked by a house where a nice black family lived to catch the bus . A girl about my age was always in the yard , so in the afternoon I would stop and talk with her . Charity was the only child in the family . She invited me into her house to meet her parents where I was fascinated to see a large picture in an ornate gold frame of Charity and two other girls looking exactly like her , same pose . same dress , same height . Her mother must have seen the look of wonder on my face , because she explained that when Charity was born , she had given birth to two other girls at the same time who looked exactly like her . She named the other girls Faith and Hope . It was evident that they all still suffered from the loss of the girls who died shortly after their birth . Each year on Charity 's birthday they took her to a photographer who took a picture in triplicate to replace the one they had looked at all year . I thought it was the swePosted by My husband is always telling me how beautiful I am . Love is blind , I know , and as I usually ignore his compliments , he asked me recently if I was unaware of my good looks . I had to answer honestly that he is the only person who has ever told me that . I have always looked at my photographs over the years and assumed that I take a good picture , because what I see in the mirror is not beauty . My early memories of myself I will describe as skinny , with orangy red hair and dark ( almost black ) freckles all over my neck and arms . I inherited my dad 's complexion , his full lips and nice teeth that were dazzling white and perfect . Smiling a lot showed off my only good feature . The entire family of seven uncles , three aunts and dozens of cousins were aware of how I hated the freckles , and occasionally someone suggested a cure or at least a remedy . I tried them all . Somehow my mother came up with a few dollars to send away for a jar of Stillman 's freckle cream . She said if it even lightened them just a little , she would consider ordering more . Reluctantly , I had to admit they were darker , if anything . Looking back now . I realize some of the remedies were so ridiculous they were just having fun thinking them up , like getting up before daylight in summer and bathing my face in dew from the grapevine leaves . The most absurd one , my Uncle Marvin offered . He suggested I eat a chicken foot while sitting on the floor behind the door while everyone else ate the good pieces of chicken . Mama always threw away the feet , but she boiled one for me . I gnawed on the thing the whole dinner hour , and I can testify there was not one morsel of food to be found on it . At age six I decided I was just stuck with the freckles and gave up . In high school pancake makeup was all the rage , and , although they still showed through , I felt they were a little lighter . When I was a freshman in college , I looked in the mirror one day to find they had gone completely . High school was a trying time , but socially it was better than grade school . I was friends wPosted by School has been a big part of my life . I have known many people who actually hated everything about school , the discipline , the work , maybe the sense of inadequacy they felt . Luckily none of these feelings were in my experience . In a previous entry I told about the large , two storied antebellum house in Craven County which we shared with the Hill woman and her two daughters while her husband was in prison . They were in school , but I was too young . I was so envious to see them walking together with their books . Daddy wasn 't sure sending me the next year was a good idea . Grace and Margaret Hill walked quite a long way . They had taught me some ABCs and when they moved I pestered Daddy all summer until I had learned them all . School started , but I was not going . One day he announced that he had been to the school and talked with the principal about his reluctance to have me walk so far alone . The principal agreed to have have the school bus drive down to our road . I would be the first child to board the bus . The driver was a high school senior who lived about a mile away . The first day I went all the way to the back of the bus and sat in the very last seat . The next stop picked up two boys who sat beside me and pestered me all the way to school . They made fun of my red hair , holding their hands up to it to see if it burned . My clothing amused them . My mother was not aware of the latest fashions for school children . My underwear was longer than my dress and could be pulled up by the elastic on the legs . The boys pulled the legs down and delighted in popping the elastic . I cried all the way to school . One day the driver noticed them tormenting me and the next morning he told me to sit in the seat right behind him . That was my special seat . It told me that he liked me better than all the other kids . I was afraid if I told Daddy about the boys he would make me quit school . I had heard that teachers would spank you if you misbehaved . Daddy said that if I got a spanking at school , he would give me one when I got home . The firPosted by |
Just want you to know that I am honored to be your second Mom . I never had a daughter , but if I did , I would hope she would be just like you . You are a kind , honest , considerate , intelligent and loving woman . I am so proud of you , and I respect you for how you have adapted to a new city , job , and home this past year . Not an easy task ! 4 Comments Posted on July 11 , 2012 I have thought a lot about shunning recently . The definition of shunning is " to avoid deliberately ; to keep away from . " The act of shunning is common in some religions . It 's also common among middle school girls . Various forms of shunning are used among family , friends , neighbors , or co - workers . For shunning to have any meaning , an emotional or social connection needs to be present . Shunning is a form of bullying . Shunning is also one of the most insidious , passive - aggressive forms of abuse . Continue Reading » 8 Comments Posted on February 5 , 2012 " As T and I sat on each side of her bed , we talked quietly of the other deaths we have witnessed together . There have been too many . I looked at him and I thought , " One of us will be here in a bed like this while the other sits in a chair holding a hand . " Just as I had that thought , my mom opened her eyes . It was the first time all night that she was aware of our presence in her room . She turned her head and looked at T . A big smile lit up her face . She reached for his hand and said , " You are a good man . " She asked him where I was , and he said , " Right here by your side , " and he gently turned her head . She said , " I love you , " and reached for my hand . It all only lasted a moment and she was asleep once more . There was no more conversation or consciousness . T and I sat there on each side of the bed holding her hand . This mother who caused me grief , strife , and years of conflict held onto our hands , the three of us connected . Forgiveness should not be something that is given lightly , freely , or without justification . Forgiveness is earned . Tonight , I forgave my mom huge , vast quantities of past injuries . She confirmed the one thing I know to be true . T IS a good man . " I wrote those words a little over a week ago . I was writing them during the final moments of my mother 's life , perhaps I wrote them even as she died . That late night / early morning I sat alone in the living room cuddled under a blanket with my feet propped up on the coffee table and my laptop warming my lap . I needed to write so that I would not forget those peaceful , touching moments . I didn 't know that they would be our last moments together . I knew the end was very near , but I thought she might make it through another day . That night , I finished writing , shut down my computer , and headed up the stairs to get ready for bed . Only moment later , my phone rang . It was 1 : 30 a . m . A nurse was calling to tell me that my mother had passed . She had been alive at midnight when the nurse had checked on her , but now she was gone . I was naked when I received that call , stripped bare and standing in the bathroom . I stood there holding the phone , and my first thought was how ironic it was that I was nude . I didn 't know what to do next . The nurse wondered what funeral home we were going to use . She wanted a phone number . She said that they needed to make arrangements for " the body . " I was naked , standing in the bathroom . It was 1 : 30 a . m . ! I didn 't necessarily carry that kind of information around with me . I wrapped myself in a towel , woke up T , fired up the computer and began making calls . The ball was set in motion . There were an amazing amount of details , arrangements , and phone calls to make . This past week has been exhausting . I was still borderline sick . T ended up getting sick , and Lola woke up on Thursday with a 102 degree fever . We have had a funeral , cleaned out an apartment , and had a son home for the weekend . It has been a roller coaster ride of emotions . There have been wonderful visits with family that I haven 't seen in years . Our friends have been kind , caring , and supportive . I love my friends who instead of bringing casseroles brought the ingredients for chocolate martinis . In the midst of pain , there was laughter , friendship , and love . This weekend is the first time in two years that I haven 't been drawn to visit a hospital or an assisted living facility . I tried to see Mom on most weekends . On the weekends when I wasn 't able to make it to visit her , I felt a weight of guilt . This weekend has been the first time in over two years that I have been able to choose without conflicting feelings the activities I engaged in . Still , it has not been a great weekend . I am drained and exhausted . My emotions are fragile as hell . I looked at a tree today , and it brought back a memory that made me cry . These past two - plus years have been terrible . There is no other way to describe them . It all began in December 2009 when I lost the person I thought was my best friend . By choice , this person turned away , ran away , changed paths . However you 'd like to phrase it , this person who meant so very much to me , decided that I didn 't really mean that much to them . A handful of days later , I lost my dear , dear father . Losing Dad left me with the sole responsibility of my very sick mother . Eventually , I was called upon to support her through the withdrawal of treatment and the weeks leading to her death . Two years of senseless hell . At times , it has felt like I have been trapped in my life , and there was no way out , nowhere to turn . At times , I have crumbled and fallen apart , but for the most part I have just dealt with the circumstances . Like a drone , I have learned to deal with what life threw my way . I coped as best I knew how . I trudged through the days , the weeks , the months , and it all added up to two - plus years . In the sadness of this past week , there have been moments where HOPE has popped through like bright sunshine . I can take a trip now without feeling guilty . I will have a summer of working in my yard on the weekends instead of running to the hospital . Little by little , I am beginning to see that I have a chance to reclaim my life . T and I are talking about a short trip to Vegas or to a beach sometime soon . I 'm planning a trip this spring to visit a friend in Georgia . We will be able to have moments of doing NOTHING , and not feeling like we should be doing SOMETHING . The apartment is empty . Now it is time to turn our attention to the house . We need to sort through the rest of my parents ' belongings . We 'll keep a few things that have sentimental value , but most of it will go on an auction in a month or so . This afternoon , I went to the house alone . I haven 't been there in weeks , and it was the first time to stand in my childhood home knowing that BOTH of my parents are dead . It hit me hard . I have no one left who shares my memories . I went from room to room , and the memories were vivid . I saw things . I saw my parents as they were years ago . I saw a little girl and her little black dog . I remembered where the piano once stood , and the Christmas tree , and where Dad sat to drink his morning coffee . I remembered addressing my wedding invitations as I sat on the floor of the living room . I remembered my own now - grown children coloring at the little table in the sunroom . Where did my life go ? Where did my family go ? I wandered from room to room , and I felt like an orphan . I cried and cried . I finally let it all out . Two years of loss and pain . I couldn 't stop crying until I walked into my dad 's room . I stood in his closet and put my arms around the one special shirt of Dad 's that I had saved . It was just a silly polo . I had bought it for Luke , but he hadn 't liked it . Grandpa liked it , though , so Luke told him to he could have it . It cracked the boys up to see Grandpa wearing a purple American Eagle shirt , but I think that made Grandpa love it even more . I stood there looking at that purple polo alone in the closet . I put my hand out and touched the fabric . My dad had been here . He had been real , wonderful , and loving . Oh , how I miss him ! As I stood there , I felt his love . Yes , lives are too short , but the love lives on and on . 1 Comment Posted on January 20 , 2012 If Hell is a hot place , then sign me up . The past couple of weeks have been miserable on so many levels . Hell , right here on Earth . Underlying all of it has been COLD . I haven 't been able to warm up . I have been taking hot baths and drinking tons of coffee . I 've made pot after pot of hot , nourishing soup . I dress in layers and huddle under blankets when I am home . Nothing I do seems to warm me up completely . Mom is still hanging in there . She is failing , but it is a slow process . We have begun hospice care , and she seems to love the extra attention . She isn 't in any pain . Something hovers around the corners of the room , though , and it chills me . She is often confused , and she has lost her hearing . Visits are brief and quiet . I spend more time talking on the phone talking to the legion of healthcare providers than I do to my mother at this point . Of course , life does not stop while we wait for death . Four kids , work , my own physical needs , all of these things keep inserting themselves into the mix . Last weekend T and I took Luke and his girlfriend back to school in Milwaukee . I couldn 't / wouldn 't commit to going along until practically the last moment . Mom was stable , and T insisted that I come along . Luke wanted to show us the house where he would be moving at the end of the semester . He had been looking forward to the four of us hanging out together on his turf . It meant a lot to our son . I knew that , so I went along . I had been doing a pretty good job of concealing ( denying ! ) the fact that I was sick . I had too many things that needed my attention . My mom was dying , for God sakes ! What did I have to complain about ? I pushed through it and collapsed at the end of each day . The trip to Milwaukee took things over the top . It was bitterly cold when we left that morning . I got chilled and couldn 't seem to shake it . ( uh … . a fever tends to do that ! ) We moved the kids back into their dorms , T and I checked into our hotel , and we all headed out for dinner . By the time we finally settled back into our room , I was shaking with cold . I took a hot bath , but I still shivered . By the time I crawled into the bed , T was concerned . He wrapped me in his arms and held me close to warm me up . Eventually , I stopped shivering , but my sleep was fitful . The next morning , hours from home , I was still freezing . I tried to ignore it . I wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible and make the drive back home and to the hospital to check on my mom . I jumped into the shower , and I don 't really know what happened . Suddenly T was there . I had passed out . My first thoughts were disappointment in myself . How could I be sick ? I had too many things to do ! I had too many people depending on me . I couldn 't be sick now . Not now . I saw the doctor on Sunday when we returned . Of course I didn 't listen to his advice . Take it easy ? Uh huh . No . My mother was dying . I couldn 't take it easy right now . I was planning a meeting later in the week in Chicago , an important meeting . Very . " Taking it easy " was not possible at this time . Thanks anyway . I visited my mom , unpacked , did laundry , ironed , and went to work on Monday . By Tuesday , I wasn 't even able to get out of bed . I tried . Believe me , I tried . At 6 : 30 a . m . , I dragged myself into the bathroom to get ready for work . I sat in the chair by the counter and laid my head down for a moment . I thought it would be a moment , but I fell asleep in the bathroom before I was even able to begin getting ready for work . That was it . I was toast . I had to admit it . I was sick . I spent the day sleeping , and sleeping , and sleeping some more . I was back at work the next day . By now , everyone was looking at me like I scared them . I must look like hell ! " Why are you here ? Go home ! " I couldn 't . I had meetings all day in preparation for the trip to Chicago on Thursday . I had to meet with the hospice staff in my mom 's room later that afternoon . I had too many things going on and too many people depending on me to go home and be sick . I pushed through . I kept going . On Thursday , I huddled in my seat on the train to Chicago . I froze the entire time , wearing my layers of clothes , wrapped in my scarf and coat . At the hotel , I begged for some coffee from the front desk . A kind woman brought coffee and cream to my room . I sat on the heating unit , looked out the window , and drank my coffee while I warmed my feet . I looked down at the people below . Everyone was scurrying to get where they were going . The wind was biting and bitter . I could feel it sweeping into the cracks around the window far above the people I was watching . I had hoped to see my son while I was in Chicago , but he had been given tickets to a concert . I told him to go . I insisted on it , and then I sat in my room crying because I was so cold … and now alone , too . I had come to the city hours earlier than the others so I could see Andrew . Now I had four hours to sit there freezing and alone until I met them for dinner . Once again , I hated Chicago . The city felt impersonal and uncaring . I was just a speck , a cold , lonely speck . Pathetic . I really , really hate feeling sorry for myself , but I was doing a stellar job of it ! The dinner was work . Schmoozing is work . I had to be ON . We all had to be ON . It was OK , though . The whole dance of egos was interesting to observe . I soaked it all in . The parrying and the posturing amused me . Several people attending the dinner had obviously spent a good deal of time in the bar before they arrived , so things were interesting from the word go . Once again , I was glad that this is my job , but not my LIFE . While some people live and breathe this kind of thing , I have my secret . In my heart , I am a country girl . At the end of all of this , I will be smack dab in the middle of a cornfield , safe and sound , with my ego checked at the door . The reality of my life , mom , wife , daughter , hillbilly at heart , keeps me grounded . I was amused as I watched the dance of self - importance at the table . I was up at 5 : 30 this morning to get ready for the meeting . I was excited and the adrenaline was flowing . This was it ! This was an important step in a development project that I have been a part of for several years . The results of this project will have a significant and lasting impact on the entire region . I was / am thrilled to be able to be a part of this process . The Willis Tower ( forever the Sears Tower to me ) is where we held the meeting . As I stood in the lobby , I remembered a time years ago , when Luke was 3 years old . He had broken his leg months earlier , and the treat that kept him going was knowing that once his cast was off , we would take him to the Sears Tower . That day , years ago , had been a victory for him . Now , years later , I was humbled once again . As I stood in the lobby , mentally preparing to make my presentation , I took a deep breath . The Sears Tower ! I was giving a presentation in the SEARS TOWER today ! Well , look at this little country girl ! I squeezed my eyes shut and soaked in the thrill of that moment . People strode purposefully past me . Everyone seemed to have somewhere to go . Everyone seemed confident . I was a part of that ! REALLY ? ? Me ? ? ? Yet again , I felt amazed by the journey of my life . The meeting was amazing . All of the planning and hard work paid off . More meetings are set for next week , and our project is not only on track , but it is gaining momentum . I am so very proud ( and lucky ) to be able to play a small part in this project . Several hours later when we stepped outside , the snow had begun . It was beautiful , yet daunting . This was not going to make the trip home an easy one . I had train tickets for late in the afternoon . By the time my train arrived , it would be dark , and I had an hour 's drive to make it back home . I cancelled my train reservations , and accepted a ride home with a co - worker who had driven to the city . Once we got on the road , I wondered if I had made a mistake . It was a white - knuckled four hour drive in the snow . We saw one accident after another and had a few near - misses ourselves . All the while , I was freezing . I 'm home now . It 's pitch dark outside . No city lights here . The wind howling up from the fields is the only sound I hear . I 've been snuggled under a blanket ever since I got home . I took a much - needed nap , and I am finally beginning to warm up . There are many things I should be doing tonight , but none of them will get done . Tonight I am taking care of more important things with a dose of Great - Grandma 's blanket and a warm , cozy house in the country . 2 Comments Posted on January 10 , 2012 We have watched my mother 's health steadily fail for the past six months . In December she fell and ended up in the hospital . She wasn 't strong enough to join us for Christmas . It was my first year without MY family for Christmas , and even though Mom and I have had our issues , not having any parents or grandparents around for the holidays was a very sad thing to face . On New Year 's Eve , Mom was taken from the restorative care unit to the hospital due to congestive heart failure . More dialysis , in addition to the three other times each week , helped to relieve the symptoms . As the days passed , it became clear that she was failing . Her weight dropped below 100 pounds . Her mind was becoming fuzzy . She began to lose control of her bodily functions . She hid her medication . She though that she was on a cruise ship . She thought the nurses were trying to kill her . I called a meeting with her Nephrologist . I wanted to know what the long - term prognosis was . Would Mom ever be able to return to independent living ? The answer was no , yet he still " held out hope . " Hope for what , I am not sure . Her kidneys had not functioned at all for years . She can no longer walk . She is on oxygen , and a million different medications . I 'm not sure what his definition of " HOPE " is . She wasn 't going to regain health . What he meant by HOPE was that she could be kept alive with extensive medical intervention so that she could linger for a few weeks in a nursing home . I asked him if anyone had ever considered discontinuing the dialysis . Well , yes . Had they ever discussed that with my mother ? Well , no , they hadn 't really thought it would come to this point . They hadn 't thought that she would live this long . ( So many of years of medical training , and they hadn 't considered all of the possibilities ? ) I was shocked . Well , here we were . It had happened , and it was time to make some decisions . What I was looking at seemed cruel . This was no way for a human being to live … . and to be kept alive . The doctor and I approached my mom with the facts . We made it her choice to consider ceasing dialysis . She decided to continue to receive treatment . I was in support of her decision . It was obvious that she needed to let everything sink in . We all needed to buy some time to make the adjustment to the next step . Mom was moved back to the rehabilitation facility and would continue to be transported to the dialysis center three times each week . This was last Thursday . On Friday morning , I received a call from a nurse . Mom was refusing all treatment . She said that she had had enough . I was at work , had walked out of a meeting to take the call . I asked the nurse to tell my mom that I encouraged her to go to her treatment and that I would be by to talk to her after work . T and I drove down that evening to talk with her about what was going on . I explained that a nurse had called to tell me what had happened , and my mom said , " They should mind their own damn business . " She said that she was done . She was tired . I felt a sense of relief . I have her medical power of attorney , and I didn 't want to have to make that decision without her consent . I called Mom 's friends to tell them what was going on and asked them to pay her a visit . I spent most of my weekend by her side . It was calm and peaceful . She slept most of the time . Sometimes , she was disoriented and asked if Dad was out in the yard . I tried to get her to drink or eat small bits of food that I felt would be soothing . We watched " Parent Trap . " The old one with Haley Mills . On Monday , something changed . She woke up demanding to go to dialysis . Her nurse called me . They were under the impression that dialysis treatment had been discontinued . What did I want them to do ? What should they tell her ? Initially , I told them , no … . no more dialysis . Then I stood there wondering what I had just done . Was I denying my own mother medical treatment when she was requesting it ? I called T . What should I do ? I asked him to meet me at my mom 's room . She was angry and disoriented . She said , " Well , yes … . I am going to dialysis . I will die if I don 't go ! " I was stunned . We had had moments of peace over the past few days . I didn 't know what to do . I stood there feeling helpless . She lashed out at me . She said , " I can see by the smirk on your face that you enjoy having this kind of control over my life . You want to pull the plug . " I was speechless . I didn 't know what to do . I didn 't know what to say . I looked at the floor and reminded myself over and over not to say anything that I would live to regret the rest of my life . I looked at her calmly and told her that there was not one thing about any of this that I was enjoying . I told her that she had made the decision . She asked me where Dad was , and I blurted out that he had been dead for two years . I burst out crying and had to turn around . T sat there in the middle of a terrible situation . I remember him talking calming in a low voice to her , but I don 't know what he said . When I came back near them , and was more composed , she looked at me and apologized . She said that she wished she knew where our relationship had gone wrong . I felt adrenaline flood through my body . Thirty years of wrong . How could we resolve thirty years of wrong ? I had been determined to do right , not to let past differences and slights cloud my judgement in making the best medical decision for another human being . I had been kind and caring . All of this came out of the blue , and it shocked me . I have never been so hurt and shaken in my life . I wanted to run from the room , and running away is not usual for me . I wanted to melt . I wanted to cease to exist in the middle of this life of mine . Too much hurt . Too much . I was shaking and crying . I told her to go to dialysis . I said that I refused to feel responsible for making this decision to discontinue treatment . " Go ! Please go . You don 't have a plug . I am not pulling a plug ! " I left the room to tell the nurse to make arrangements for my mom to be transported to dialysis . The nurse looked shocked . She advised that my mother may not make it through a treatment . There was another call this morning . This time it was from the Kidney Center . They had been surprised to see my mother show up for treatment . They discussed a feeding tube with her . They discussed hospice care . They suggested discontinuing treatment . They wondered what I thought . After all , I have that damn power of attorney . I told them that one of their own doctors had told my mother that there was hope . Yes , hope for a day , a week . They didn 't think that she would live out the month even with treatment . There was a meeting later this afternoon with all of the Kidney Center staff . They would discuss my mother 's case at that time and call me later . It was determined that treatment was no longer of any benefit to my mother . She could continue to receive treatments , but at this point , they may do more harm than good . A feeding tube would enable her to have a little more time , but my mother had already said that she didn 't want to go that route . Did I want them to talk to her and arrange hospice treatment or would I prefer to tell her myself ? Tonight T and I went to tell my mother that there was no longer any hope . A few days , a week , a month at best . We entered her room , and she was sleeping . I woke her up and asked how she was feeling . She was groggy for a while , and we three sat and watched HGTV . I didn 't know how to begin this conversation . I was at a loss . T finally began talking . Quietly we explained everything . She just looked at us . What do you say when someone tells you that it 's real , you are now dying ? Mom , this is it . There isn 't anything left to do . I told her that I wanted the time she had left to be comfortable and full of family and friends rather than more and more medical care . I told her what to expect physically . There should be no pain . It would be peaceful . ( I pray to God . ) I asked her if there was anything she wanted . She asked me if I believed in Heaven and Hell . I told her no , I don 't . I said , " I believe life is Hell enough , what waits on the other side is Peace . " As T and I drove home , he told me that when I had stepped out to talk to the nurse , my mom had asked him if I was OK . He told her that this was not easy for me . She is all I have left of my family . When she is gone , I don 't have anyone else left of my family . He told her that I was carrying a burden of guilt , because I didn 't want her to think that I was responsible for ending her treatments . She said , " Why would Pam think that ? " He reminded her of what she had said the previous day , and asked her not to say such things again . He told her that we would do our best to care for her , and asked her to leave me with peace . I was shocked by what he told me . I didn 't know he would defend and protect me in such a way , and I loved him for being able to say the words that I was not able to speak . 5 Comments Posted on December 10 , 2011 It 's in there , but I am holding it back . I really want to get through the next few days without tears . I 'm not sure why , or what , but I think if I can remain stoic through this weekend , I will be proving something to myself . I woke up after a restless night 's sleep with a monstrous headache . Lola was standing by the edge of my bed asking if she could go outside and play with the neighbor kids . I raised my head up to look at the clock on the bedside table . Ugh ! It was much earlier than I had intended on getting up . T , who is an early riser , was already up and gone . Bless his heart . He was doing the weekly grocery shopping . I sat up groggily , hair wild , head pounding , and tried to figure out what I needed to do first . I threw on a robe , and proceeded to help Lola dress in warm clothes to play outside in the 1 / 2 inch of snow . I remember those days of childhood . Even a sprinkling of snow was too good to miss out on when it 's Saturday morning and the neighborhood kids were ready to play ! Once she was out the door , I popped the first handful of many ibuprofen I would be taking today . I poured a cup of coffee and tried to figure out what was wrong with me . I felt miserable , but I didn 't have time to dwell on that . I had promised Em to go with her to see our " Hairapist . " We love the woman who does our hair . Not only does she help us look our best , she has become a close friend over the years . In fact , she and I are planning a weekend trip in January . I didn 't dare have a bite to eat . This headache was one of those debilitating , make you sick , kind of headaches . I threw on some clothes , put my crazy hair up into a ponytail , and slipped on some sunglasses . I walked into the Hairapist with Em , and visited for a while before heading out to get us all mochas for our visit . That 's when the first wave hit . As soon as I was alone in the car , I felt like crying . I looked at myself in the mirror and saw the tears begin to well up in my eyes . I wanted to be home . I wanted to be in bed with the covers pulled up over my head . I wanted a friend . I needed a hug . I wanted my head to stop hurting . I wanted the stress and the worry to go away . I looked back at the poor , pained woman in the mirror , and I said , " Buck up , baby . No tears for you . " I bought the mochas and headed back . The visit really did do me good . The mocha revived me , and the friendship of women ( stylist and my daughter ) was exactly what I needed . I popped a few more ibuprofen along the way , and the pain began to become manageable . It was noon , and I still had not eaten . I still couldn 't . Our next stop was the hospital , and knowing what waited there drowned out my appetite . I am tired of long corridors and medical staff . I 'm tired seeing so many people who are going through terrible times in their lives . I 'm tired of the haunted looks on so many of the faces I pass by . It is Christmastime , and once again , I find myself in sterile hospital corridors instead of celebrating the warmth of the season . I am tired , so damn tired . T has been wonderful to me this past week . Knowing that he cares even when he isn 't along for the ride does help . I called him to give him an update on my mom 's condition , and he answered the phone , " Hi , precious … . " Two words , and they lifted a load of pain . Em and I stopped for a bite to eat on the way home . We had a chance to talk , to eat , even to laugh . She is going through a hard time with the approach of December 11th , too . Tomorrow . Tomorrow . Tomorrow . It will be here , and then it will be over for another year . Until then , I will hold my breath and my tears . December 11th won 't take anything else from me without a fight . I 'm finally home . It 's Saturday , and it was more exhausting than a day at work . I wanted to lay across my bed and have a good cry . I felt the tears building up behind my eyes , in my throat , and down across my chest . I didn 't do it , though . Not this time , and hopefully , I won 't ever again . The tears exhaust me , and I need my strength . The tears weaken me , and I need my strength . I refuse to give another ounce of myself over to this grief . I need my strength . Instead of tears , I will write . I will release the grief in a way that does not sap me of energy , but instead , strengthens my resolve . I 'm snuggled up under the ugly blanket made by my great - grandmother years ago . I have a cup of coffee next to me . T had a pot waiting for us when we got back home . I 'm safe , and I 'm comfortable now . Right now , I have all that I need . 3 Comments Posted on November 14 , 2011 All day I have been asking myself if I am doing the right thing . Am I rationalizing EVERYTHING to suit myself ? It seems that I spend most of my life being pushed and pulled among the needs of so many people . What is right for one person may be the polar opposite of what is needed by another . Doing the right thing in one direction , upsets the balance in another direction . It 's the old " Damned if you do , damned if you don 't " conundrum . I don 't trust my judgement about what is actually the BEST way to handle things . I am so confused so much of the time . I spent my day dividing my time between the situation with my mother and my job . Both are important to me . Both need my FULL attention , but unfortunately , there is only one of me . Today was one of those days when it was almost impossible to find the time to do such frivolous things as eat or use the restroom . What makes this difficult is that in a " normal " situation , a person would drop everything , including work , to be by the side of their sick mother . Two years ago , that 's what I did . When Dad died and Mom 's care was in my hands , I took day after day from work to sit by her side in the hospital . She would get better and be released . Several weeks later , it would begin again . I burned through my personal days . I burned through my sick days . While those at work were supportive , I could begin to see a change in how they viewed me professionally . I could see it begin to have an impact on my kids , too . My focus was all messed up , as were many other things in my life two years ago . As the only child of a chronically ill woman , I have had to learn to prioritize my life , my children , and my career along with my obligation to my mother . It 's not easy . All too often there is a cloud of guilt surrounding me . Each obligation that I meet usually means that there is something ( someone ) else that I am neglecting . It is a terrible , stressful balancing act . Thank God for T . He is invaluable in his ability to listen and to advise me on what is best for everyone involved . Mom is currently in the hospital . I talked her into allowing me to admit her . She was dehydrated and unable to eat or drink . Going to the hospital to regain her strength is the only chance she will have to continue to live on her own . She is settled and resting comfortably . IV fluids quickly perked her up and helped to resolve her fever . There is no cure . Slowly , painfully , and way too gradually , her body is shutting down . While the hope is that she will be able to return to her apartment , I am doubtful that it will happen . I left Mom to attend a meeting late this afternoon . It was a good meeting , and I was excited as we discussed a new initiative that we 're hoping to get underway in the next year . Ah … . once again I was stumped . The people that I was planning on meeting during my trip this week are crucial to this new plan . What to do ? What to do ? Of course , no one at the meeting knew that my mom was in the hospital . Everyone assumed that I was still taking the trip . What to do ? Once again , I felt tugged in two directions . ( Add another direction as the meeting ran long , and I knew they were waiting for me to get home to make dinner . ) I called Mom as I drove home . It was dark . I was tired . I didn 't feel like going home to do more work . I just wanted a friend . I wanted to sit down . I wanted a shoulder to lean on . I was so tired of making decisions , so tired of always being wrong in one direction or the other . Someone is always upset with me . I called Mom , and I asked her what she wanted me to do . Did she need me ? Was she afraid to be in the hospital if I was not minutes away ? If I go on the trip , I will be more than two hours away . She told me to go . There was no need for me to sit at the hospital . She didn 't need me to sit there , and even if I didn 't go on the trip , she still wanted me to go to work . I thanked her for making the decision for me , and I made her promise not to hesitate to call me if she needed anything at all . T would be home , and I would gladly come back home if necessary . Tonight I am packing . I 'm going on an abbreviated version of the trip I had planned . I 'll head out tomorrow afternoon , take care of business and be back the next day . The leisure portion of the trip has been eliminated . 😦 That 's OK . I 'm looking forward to the quiet of the drive . I 'm looking forward to not having to cook for a day and dinner with a friend . I 'm looking forward to some moments of peace and quiet . I 'm scared and worried . I miss my boys . I 'm tired , and I am sad . Life goes on . It keeps on going on and on . |
Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on April 16 , 2013 Two years ago , I started this blog . I began writing because I felt alone . I knew there had to be other gay men out there who were looking for the same thing I was , and I wanted a way to connect with them . At the time , I just ended my first gay relationship , and I found myself in very unchartered waters . I was already out to close friends , but not publicly . Because I had so few gay friends and a strong aversion to gay bars , I had to find a mate digitally . I began serial dating , at one point going on four dates in four days - And thus , One Gay At A Time was born . Since the beginning , I have gone on MANY dates and put myself in many situations well outside my comfort zone . I have not only grown more comfortable in my own skin , but I 've also grown up as a gay man . I got all the hookups out of my system and began searching for a meaningful , long - term relationship . The time has come for the next chapter of my life and for this blog . For quite some time I 've been blogging about CK ( aka Clark Kent or Superman ) . You 've gotten to know him through my eyes in the early stages of our relationship . It 's been some time since I 've blogged , and I apologize for leaving you , my readers in the lurch . I do not mean to abandon the small community I 've worked so hard to foster , but I 've been struggling with the next chapter of the blog . I had to make a choice between the blog and my man . It 's quite obvious which I chose . As a result , I will no longer be blogging about the specifics of my relationship with CK . However , in lieu of continuing to finish our story in a daily dairy format , let me catch you up on what has happened since July . Here are some of the highlights … In July , CK joined my family for our annual beach vacation . While I went for the entire week , he only joined us for a few days . It was the first time we 'd spent an extended period of time apart , and with my trust / cheating baggage , it was a true test of my sanity . I was thrilled and relieved when he finally arrived . It was also nice that he would finally get to spend some real - time getting to know my parents . In early August , I traveled to Miami , CK 's birthplace to surprise his family with a visit to celebrate the birthdays of his two beautiful nephews ( turning 1 and 2 only a week apart ) . I felt incredibly special taking this trip with CK . I was meeting his ENTIRE extended family . Before this point , I 'd only met his mother . I was welcomed into the family with open arms and came to grow strong bonds with them over just a handful of days . This was unchartered territory for both of us , as I 'd never been brought home to meet the family by anyone other than my high school girlfriend , and he 'd never brought a man home to meet everyone before . It could not have worked out better ! Around Labor Day , CK and I went on week - long vacation to the Hamptons with 15 of my friends and family . While there , our relationship grew very strained . I felt he was trying too hard to impress my friends . I wanted him to be himself so all of them would come to love the man I knew , not the man I felt he was trying to be for them . By the end of the week , I reached my breaking point . I was so stressed out from organizing the vacation and ensuring everyone was happy that I made myself miserable , and I took it out on the person closest to me . In the penultimate moment of the trip , one night we not only exchanged words but also fists and shoves , as my closest friends and sister witnessed the lowest moment of our relationship . It took a lot of time for CK and I to figure things out . This wasn 't the first time our relationship reached physicality , but I hoped it was the last . It also took a long time for things to return to normal between CK , me and my circle of friends . My sister wasn 't speaking to me for over a month and my friends had semi - ostracized me from typical gatherings . I burned a lot of bridges on that trip , and I am still working to rebuild them today . You can expect to read about my experiences and feelings dealing with issues such as physical violence in a relationship as one of the topics I will cover in coming posts . In September , CK and I found an apartment in Hoboken to call our own . We moved in together in the midst of Hurricane Sandy 's wake on November 2 . Although the experience of moving immediately following a hurricane is incredibly overwhelming , we are both stronger as a result of the experience . In my experience , moving in with a lover is unlike sharing a space with any other . You 'll certainly be reading about my experiences and the things I 've learned from this experience as well . After Sandy exhausted my last modicum of energy , I decided I was too tired to shave my upper lip . CK and I both decided to raise awareness and funds to fight prostate cancer by growing mustaches for Movember . I proudly raised over $ 500 for charity as a result of my stache , and I was thrilled when we both shaved them off - We both looked like pedophiles . For the first time in my life , I had someone to take home to meet my family for Thanksgiving . Before venturing home , I sent my extended maternal family an email to get the awkwardness out of the way . You 'll be pleased to know my family welcomed him with open arms . I imagine coming out to extended family creates a lot of anxiety for man , as it did for me , so I hope sharing my experiences will encourage more to share the truth with the ones they love . When I returned to Hoboken after Thanksgiving , preparations began immediately for what would have been my Sixth Annual Holiday Bash . This year , it became Our First Annual Holiday Bash . I finally had someone to share the hosting duties with , making it extra special . Although CK and I spent Christmas apart , after all the festivities with my family , I hopped on a flight down to Miami to spend the rest of the holiday season and New Years Eve with my man and his family . CK 's sister and brother - in - law planned a trip with their two boys to Disney World for two days . After a little persuading , I convinced CK we should join them . I preferred Disney to a raucous gay party any day , and it was truly magical to see Disney World through the eyes of a two - year - old . In February , CK and I took a romantic trip to Mohonk Mountain House in New Paltz , NY . Although it seems we can 't go anywhere without having some kind of quarrel like an old married couple , the trip was amazing and couldn 't have come at a better time . We went ice skating , snow shoeing , swimming , hiking , and much more . It was a perfect escape for both of us to get out of the city and away from the bustle of it all after the holidays . In between , there have been countless brunches , parties , trips , nights out , Broadway shows , fights … Oh yea , and plenty of sex - Can 't forget the sex ! Overall , things have been going well for us . You have good days and bad days , but you have to realize the bad days are just there so you appreciate the good ones all the more . I am thrilled to announce , this past Saturday , CK and I celebrated our one - year anniversary at the restaurant we went to on our first date , Frankies Spuntino 570 . Although we waited nearly an hour , the evening was perfect , and I look forward to many more years together . To my most dedicated readers who haven 't let me lack of posting stop them from commenting words of support on my blog , thank you . You are what has motivated me to get back into this once again . I feel like many of you have integrated my writing into your daily routines , and I have left you with your morning coffee in hand and no reading material . You will not see the frequency of posts you may have grown accustomed in the past , but I still hope you find time in your lives for One Gay At A Time . I made my way home on my motorcycle only to find my apartment full of my friends and my roommates ' friends . They apparently noticed my Irish exit , but I was shocked to find none of them texted me to find out where I 'd gone . They didn 't seem to care much . They were all drunk and about to smoke . I put my helmet in my room and joined in the fun . D pulled me aside and asked if I 'd gone to hook up , and I didn 't lie . I nodded my head in agreement , and he said , " I knew it ! " with a smile . My roommate immediately mentioned breaking my glass planter that sits in the window , but failed to apologize for the act . She simply pushed it into a pile , plants and all , and left it there on the floor . After sitting in the room a solid ten minutes , my friend K announces , " Where 's [ One Gay At A Time ] ? " I responded , " Really K ! How many have you had ! ? " We all laughed . The previous night , I talked to a guy on OKCupid who was quite an athlete . He seemed like a really fun guy , and I was anxious to meet him . We 'd emailed a few times back and forth , and I learned he would be coming to Hoboken for the festivities in the evening . Ironically enough , he would be in the apartment across the street . The same apartment my roommate and I scoped out on numerous occasions , noticing a gay couple lives there . I texted him to see if he was there , but he told me he decided to stay home after not feeling well . This , of course turned my attention to the apartment across the way . My roommate and I had scoped out this apartment many times starting on New Year 's Eve when we presumed two mo 's lived there . This night , they were having a party . We noticed many men , and we tried to make a sign with a sharpie and the inside of a paper bag . It was no use . Anyone 's attention that was looking out the window was drawn to our neighbors upstairs . They too were having a raucous party . I decided to use technology to find a way to make friends with the mo 's across the street . I pulled up Grindr and tried to find anyone very close . When I finally got in touch with someone nearby and asked him if they were at that address , I came to learn that person had left the party already . I made many more futile attempts to reach out to the party . A few of us watched with curiosity when people moved into the bedroom , but nothing exciting happened . Our front window became a version of " Rear Window . " When I grew tired of my new entertainment , I made my way to bed . It was a long day , but a fun day . I was beat . The next day , I returned the favor of a friend for helping me move . I rode my motorcycle over to his new apartment and dug in moving bags and boxes . When we drove to his old place , I realized we were in the same neighborhood as Indiana Jones lived . I pulled out my phone and texted him to see if he was around . It 'd been months since I last saw him , and I was anxious to see him again . We were due for a catch - up . I didn 't hear back from him that day , but I wouldn 't give up at that . Throughout the night , I talked to him a fair amount . He seemed like a really nice guy . For a solid twenty minutes , he and I were the only ones in the living room until more guests arrived . We got to know each other fairly well . My original thought on him was he was too young , but the more I got to know him , the more I learned how mature he was . Obviously age had nothing to do with maturity . I learned that the hard way with Smiles . I wasn 't going to rule him out just because he was 22 . It also helped he was very attractive . He had both the jock look and the intelligent look about him . It was very sexy . I didn 't want to jump the gun however . I somewhat embarrassed myself that night , and I wasn 't sure if he took notice . I decided to wait until the dust settled , especially since he knew Smiles though a mutual connection , the party 's host . Before my trip to San Francisco , I laid the groundwork . I informed him of my breakup with Smiles on Facebook . He sent his condolences . Now that I was home , I was ready to dive in and see if I could ask him out on a date . I sent him a Facebook message that Tuesday : " Hey dude . I know this kinda comes out of left field , but I thought you were a pretty down - to - earth guy when I talked to you on NYE . I was wondering if you 'd be interested in grabbing a drink sometime … ? " I don 't know why , but I felt very vulnerable doing this . It 's crazy . He 's five years younger than me . Why was I so intimidated ? All I could do was wait for an answer . That night , he finally responded : " I am flattered , but I am kinda seeing someone . Happened right after New Years actually . Doesn 't mean we can 't chill as friends . " My hopes were dashed . I 'd been plotting and planning this whole thing out over time to find out I missed the boat . I was kicking myself , but there was nothing I could do . It is what it is . I needed to graciously respond , and secretly hoped I could meet him as friends , and he would realize how much of a catch I am . Maybe he 'd let things fizzle out with the other guy . The door wasn 't closed , even though it was beginning to shut . There was still a glimmer of light - A glimmer of hope . " All the good ones are … haha … but yes . . Chill as friends works for me too . Always lookin ' for friends as well . Shoot me your # , and maybe we can find a time to hang / grab a drink … " I responded . Sadly , I wouldn 't hear back from him again . Three weeks later , I tried to see if he would be interested in meeting up , but I got no response . If he was truly interested , he would have responded . I was learning to stop pursuing men who didn 't return an interest in me . It never worked out in my favor , and it just caused me greater frustration . If there were interested , they 'd be as excited as I was to message / call / text . It wouldn 't matter about waiting two days before calling . If someone is interested , they won 't care about any of that . They 'll just be thrilled you connected at all . I was beginning to feel very disappointed and lonely . I had no promising prospects on the horizon . As time goes on , this dating thing is getting harder and harder . Everyone thinks gay dating in New York City is a cinch but far from it . It is so incredibly hard to date in this city . The gay men here certainly don 't do anything to make it any easier . Warning : The following may be too graphic for some . In the meantime , I was back on local Grindr . I found a guy who lived very close to my apartment who wanted to be dominated and wanted to muscle worship me . I hardly think I 'm the muscle worship worthy type , but if that was what he wanted , why not give it to him . I went over to his apartment . He was a bit awkward , but I wasn 't there to find love . I was simply there to satisfy a primal need . I thought I would be able to play the part . I thought I could say all the things a dominant top would say , but in the end , I think I sounded ridiculous . It 's not who I am . It wasn 't awful , but I don 't think either of us were getting out of it what we thought we would . It took me a long time to finish with him , as usual , which didn 't exactly make for a smooth evening . When I did , it was worth his wait . However , because of the nature of my climaxes , he had to run to the kitchen and grab a bottle of Resolve and a paper towel to clean up a spot on the carpet when I overshot his chest . He came back to the bed and we laid next to each other chatting a bit . I learned he knew the other awkward hookup I had in the same building . Apparently they were friends . I specifically asked him not to mention me , which of course spurred a whole new line of questions . I knew this was going to come back to bite me in the a $ s . It was only a matter of time before the 40 year - old started messaging me again . With that , I got dressed and made my way home on my walk of shame . Luckily it was cold out and it helped me clear my head . What was I doing ? This isn 't me . This isn 't what I 'm looking for . Why am I doing this ? Yes , we all have needs , but I should be putting more energy into finding the right guy instead of Mr . Right Now . I thought about all the other guys floating around out there on my roster . Was it even worth it to revisit with long - time online friend after our failed date ? Maybe the southern boy I was chatting with would finally find the time to meet up . The guy who came back on the roster after almost a year was still a possibility . I needed to plan drinks with him . My Asian neighbor friend from Grindr was still asking me to grab dinner sometime , but he doesn 't drink , so I didn 't see us being very compatible . There was the very sexy , very compatible guy I found on Adam , but he wasn 't responding to any of my messages anymore . I needed to cut him from the list . I needed to get back in shape and concentrate on building a better me . Ironically enough , I was hitting the gym regularly again . For so unknown reason , I was looking for N there every time I went . I don 't know why , but something inside me wanted to see him there , even though I wanted nothing to do with him . I needed not only to close that chapter , but also to toss the book to someone else and forget about it . I was spinning my wheels . I was constantly Grindring , and it was getting me nowhere . I was still feeling a little angry for letting Smiles take advantage of me . I thought back to all my relationships and realized how each of them let me down . N , San Francisco , Smiles … I didn 't need any of them anymore . They brought nothing positive to my life . It was time to drop that baggage . The only one I wanted to keep around was Broadway . Since we 've broken up , we 've managed to remain friends . I turn to him for advice , and he is always there for me . He 's a good friend and I truly appreciate him . I can 't understand why they all couldn 't be that way . I 'm thrilled we 're still friends and want that with all my exs , but if they weren 't going to make that possible , so be it . I needed to get to a better place . I wasn 't in a dark place , but I was certainly stuck in this constant gray area . I was walking around in a cloud . I was wasting my life away searching for a guy in all the wrong places . If I wasn 't happy , I wasn 't going to find anyone . I just needed to figure out how to change things . It wasn 't going to be easy … Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on March 1 , 2012 Wednesday night arrived . It was " date night " for San Francisco and I . We were meeting in the Castro to grab a drink and maybe some dinner together . It had been a while since I 'd seen him last , and we were due for a catch up . Since work was paying , and I was too lazy to learn the public transit system in San Francisco , I decided to take a cab . We arrive in The Castro neighborhood , and I witnessed the largest rainbow flag I 'd ever seen in my life . The only thing I could compare it to ( for the Americans in the room ) is the giant American flags that adorn the poles in the parking lots of Perkins across the country . If you read my blog , you know how much I 'm not a fan of the rainbow . However , I 'm embarrassed to admit , the sheer size and presence of this thing actually made me a little proud . I got out of the cab and met him on the street as we exchanged a hug and a kiss . We made our way to Badlands just up the street just in time for some happy hour specials . We caught up on the other 's dating life over the past few months . I learned San Francisco is currently casually dating someone . In the back of my mind , I 'm very happy to hear this news . I didn 't want things to escalate beyond drinks for us , and this news was reassuring . As the alcohol flowed , his emotions escalated . He became much more affectionate , and even started to get a bit hot n ' heavy . I just went along with it . I had no emotions attached to these actions . I was fully over San Francisco . I tried changing the subject so he wouldn 't keep putting the moves on me . He talked about the possibility of moving back to New York , but said it would be very different this time around . He 's a completely different person . Everything he was saying were basically the reasons why I ended things with him . It was as if he 'd read the blog . ( To my knowledge , he still does not know about the blog ) . We started talking about his dream of opening a bar in Hawaii . We talked a great deal about even the smallest details in his dream . I suggested a name for his bar , and he immediately fell in love with it . He even went as far as to register the domain immediately from his BlackBerry . I told him how to do all this with my advertising background and knowledge and my recent experience of purchasing my own domain for this blog . The meal was spectacular , and it wasn 't that expensive . I was also introduced to one of his friends who is a server there . As the night went on , San Francisco grew more and more inebriated . He wasn 't ' too much to handle yet , but he was drawing closer . He started growing louder and more indignant . When the bill arrived , I think he thought I was going to take care of it . I think he thinks I have an unlimited expense account ( which isn 't the case at all ) , when in reality I paid for his meal the last time I was out there because I wanted to thank him for hanging out with me that night . We split the check and made our way for the door . The whole time , I was trying to send a pretty clear signal I wasn 't interested in hooking up that night . I was failing . He asked if we should go back to my hotel or hit up his apartment . Then he answered his own question when he realized how close to his place we were . Again , I just went with it . I 'm not entirely sure why I didn 't just go home . I think I thought I could get him home and then say goodnight . While we rode in a cab to his apartment , he asked me about the stuffed animals and orchids he sent me for my birthday . I explained that was over nine months ago . I was lucky I kept the orchids alive for six months . As far as the stuffed animals , I told him I gave the mistaken monkey away , but I still had the bear ( of much more significance ) at my parents ' house . When we got to his place , I met his roommate for the first time . One had only seen me on Skype and heard lots about me , and the other had never met me . Ironically , the other share the same unique name as me and joined on as a roommate shortly following our breakup . I 'm not going to lie ; I thought it was a bit weird . When we finished tormenting the roommates with S . F . 's drunken antics , we went into his room . It appeared I was spending the night . However , it was just going to be that . I was not having sex with him . Of course the makeout session ensued . I thought to myself , " At least he 's a good kisser . " Then the makeout session morphed into more passionate actions , and I found myself with no clothes on . S . F . put me in a position to begin to penetrate me , but I wasn 't going to make it that easy for him . I kept casually squirming so it wouldn 't be possible . He kept gently trying , but I wasn 't going to give in . There was no way in hell I was going to have sex with him , but I also knew I was dealing with a drunk man . I gently whispered into his ear , " Let 's just spend the night together . " With that , he rolled over into little spoon position . I curled up with him and went to bed . In the morning , when my alarm went off for me to head back to my hotel to go to work , I found myself with his mouth on my " morning excitement . " I had forgotten how good he is at that . It didn 't quite matter . I wasn 't in the mindset to finish with him , and we know how difficult that can be even when I am in the mindset . I got dressed , and he remained in bed . I could tell he was disappointed , but I didn 't care . I was not going to revisit old territory . I didn 't hear from him until much later the next day . He told me how hungover he was in the morning , proving to me how drunk he was . He asked what my plans were for the remainder of my trip , but we didn 't discuss meeting up again while I was there . I was happy to dodge that bullet . I let things go further than I wanted , but at least I didn 't hurt his feelings too harshly in the meantime . In my mind things wouldn 't quite be the same for us going forward . No longer did I feel the urge to call him just to chat , which is sad . It appears I have collected what pieces of my heart I left in San Francisco … Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on February 17 , 2012 Saturday finally arrived . Smiles so graciously found time in his busy schedule to meet with me to discuss " us . " I wasn 't in a combative mood , but I was resolved in the notion that I wouldn 't be a doormat for him anymore . I had a lot of things I wanted to say to him , but I didn 't rehearse them in my head . I wanted my emotions to speak for me . I knew how I felt , and I knew how he let me down . I was so disappointed in him for simply trying to back away from our three - month relationship instead of just speaking to me like a man . I was embarrassed for him . We decided to meet at Doma Coffee Shop . Ironically , it 's pretty much where our relationship started ( after a failed date at Employees Only ) . I had a few places to go in the city that day , so I took the motorcycle in . It was a nice enough day I could get away with it with a few layers . After I parked my bike and walked toward the shop , I noticed Smiles was just arriving . We shared an awkward hello . I think he may have been going in for a kiss , but I gently turned and just gave him a hug . I had no interest in giving him any more of my affections . I 'd already given him enough . We went inside , and he ordered his coffee and began to pay . I wasn 't expecting him to buy my coffee , but it was interesting he didn 't even offer . He found a table for us to sit at while I ordered my coffee . I joined him at the table , and we awkwardly chatted about work for a bit . Surprise , surprise - Our conversation revolved around his job once again . I was trying not to enter this meeting bitter or with a superior attitude . After all , it was a week earlier I was kissing another man in front of him . I wasn 't above him in any respect . He talked about his business partner who was in the news at the time . Because I stay well - informed , I knew a lot of the story about the man 's current situation that Smiles did not . So when he was complaining about the man not getting back to him , I informed him of the news of the day and his new partner 's involvement in it . He was shocked to learn some of the details I knew . We were about to break up , and I was still keeping Smiles up - to - date on the goings on in the world at the time . When that conversation got stale , Smiles kicked off the " us " conversation . He led with his thinking on the " situation . " He told me he recognized he wasn 't putting as much of himself into the relationship as he could have and how that wasn 't fair to me . He pointed out his priority of focusing on his career currently , and his schedule didn 't allow for a relationship . He acknowledged the possibility of his being partly responsible for my actions on New Year 's Eve . Over more conversation , I realized he thought I might have been acting out or doing it on a subconscious level . I reiterated for him how little of the end of the night I remembered . I was on the verge of tears as I explained this to him . I told him I never would have done it had I been sober . I told him I didn 't initiate the kissing , but I also didn 't stop it immediately . I told him that I would like to think I stopped it relatively quickly , but I have no idea because I don 't remember a single moment of it . I think Smiles wanted to know the motivation for the make - out session . He half asked a question and then stopped when he again realized I didn 't recall any of the end of that night . I apologized emphatically and acknowledged how horrible what I did was . I choked up as I told him it was one of the worst things I 'd ever done in my life . I could see that it did in fact bother him . The morning after , he told me he was okay with it , but now , I knew he wasn 't . Sadly , it made me feel a little better knowing it upset him . It showed that maybe he , on some level , actually did care about me , even if just a little bit . At least I knew he felt something toward me . I transitioned into more conversation of how we would move forward . I told him I was pretty much on the same page as him as far as ending our relationship . I told him I wasn 't getting enough of what I was looking for from him , and it was a direct result of his priorities . I told him how hurt I was that he would just drop me after three months . I really stressed that point . I told him I felt so disrespected that he would just stop texting and calling like a switch , as if I wouldn 't notice or I would be okay with it . It really did hurt , because in my mind it nullified our relationship . It showed he didn 't respect it enough to give it the attention it needed , even if it was coming to a close . He told me it was because he needed time to think about what he really wanted and how he wanted to proceed . I told him he didn 't need to cut me off while he thought about it , and he acknowledged his fault . In the end , we were fine . The whole conversation lasted roughly a half hour . He was on task and had things to do , so when the conversation was winding down , he stood and said , " Shall we go ? " We walked outside and began to part ways . I turned back and said goodbye . I also told him to call me to grab dinner sometime . Just because we weren 't dating didn 't mean we couldn 't be friends . He responded , " Sure thing sir . " I thought that was an odd response , but I 'll take it . It was an amicable breakup . I 'm not sure if I got the closure I needed . I still felt like he used me and doubted if he ever really cared for me . I never got an answer if my suspicions were true . I wondered if he 'd been with other men while dating me . I wondered if he met someone else . All questions I would never get answers to . I think that is the hardest part about a breakup - The blow to the ego . We take fault and feel there is a flaw in ourselves , even if that 's not the case at all . Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on February 9 , 2012 I continued my walk of shame north on Seventh Avenue . I was still dressed for a night out from New Year 's Eve the night before . I didn 't care if anyone judged me . I was in my own world . No one else existed that morning . I was utterly alone in a city of millions . I continued to try to reach Boston through text and by phone , but no dice . Since I was going to be near his apartment , I thought I would reach out to Broadway . At the very least , I could kill time with a visit until Boston finally decided to get back to me . I called him , and he picked up after a few rings . I asked him what he was up to and told him I wanted to swing by for a visit . He was still in bed and said he needed a few minutes , but he told me to come by . I told him I was walking from the 20s , so there was no rush for him to get out of bed . When I arrived , I walked right up to his apartment . It was like old times - A blast from the past . It 'd been months since I 'd been there , but it felt like yesterday . I knocked on the door , and he greeted me . I came in and sat while he finished getting ready for the day . We sat on the couch , and he asked how my New Years was . " Tell me stories . You always have good stories to tell me , " he added . I told him what I did the night before . I gave him the cliff notes because I didn 't want to belabor the point . The wound was still fresh and bleeding . He shrugged it off and suggested we go to the diner for breakfast . I kinda loved that about him . He knew how I felt about it , so he did his best to brush it under the rug . I agreed to go to breakfast , but I told him I 'd already eaten . I would keep him company , and we could catch up . It 'd been since the summer since I 'd seen him . Breakfast was nice . He told me about the party he went to the night before and all the guys he was pursuing . As usual , he was very passive about it . " I dunno if I really want to see him again … " he 'd say . He 'd find something completely superficial to judge the guy about so he wouldn 't have to put in the effort . Since Smiles ' birthday gathering , we gained a mutual friend . We learned this from Facebook . The guy who I palled around for the night had been at the party Broadway went to the night before . They interacted , but it wasn 't a positive interaction . Broadway was remotely interested in this guy , but apparently he gave him the cold shoulder . This really turned him off , but I assured him my birthday buddy was a really great guy . If I 'd been single that night , I probably would have asked him for his number . Broadway wasn 't sold . Ironically enough , Smiles and I were almost at this party . It wasn 't until Smiles learned of the over - priced charge to enter that he decided we were just going to the house party . It was crazy to realize Broadway , Smiles and I were all swimming in the same circles in New York City . Apparently the gay community was pretty tight , even in a big city . It put it all into perspective . It also made me realize the picture of myself I painted when I let a stranger suck on my neck and face in front of the guy I was dating . I wasn 't feeling very talkative , so I did a lot of question asking and listening . When Broadway finished his breakfast , he asked for the check . He wasn 't feeling well , so he wanted to go back to bed . I checked my phone , and Boston still hadn 't gotten back to me . I guess I wouldn 't see him before he left the city . I walked Broadway back to his apartment and said goodbye . Something I learned from him was it is okay to kiss an ex on the lips when you see them . When I first came out , I was fascinated by how often gay men kissed each other . This was completely foreign to me and not something I was comfortable with . Even if I travel in a big gay pack , I don 't think I would be kissing my gay male friends . But , I felt comfortable kissing a man who I had kissed over a hundred times . So we exchanged a kiss and a hearty hug before I made my way to Port Authority to snag a bus back to Hoboken . It wasn 't long before I received a simple text in response : " I have to work tomorrow . " I was already picturing a Monday afternoon with me sinking deep into the couch by myself in front of the TV . I was very disappointed , but it 's not like I had anything to say . I was the one who royally messed up here . I was going to have to deal with the consequences . Later that evening , I talked to Boston on Facebook . I told him what I did and how things played out . We didn 't talk long , but promised to come back to the topic when he had more time . I had time all day to assess the situation . Why wasn 't Smiles mad ? I realized I wasn 't happy about this . It hurt even more . It showed me quite clearly how little I meant to him . I didn 't see any way to recover from this . I was pretty sure our relationship was over . And , since I 'm pretty much a high schooler in the gay dating world , I hopped back on adam4adam . com and Grindr that night to see what was out there . I wasn 't throwing my line into the sea , but I could at least swim around and see what kind of fish were out there … Posted by One Gay at a Time in Gay Dating on February 8 , 2012 New Year 's Day , Smiles woke me in the morning . I was in a complete fog . I immediately began wracking my brain to remember how the night ended . I knew we had sex , and once again , I could only remember a tiny flash of the intimate moment we shared the night before but no more than a flash . I could remember being p * ssed at Smiles on the walk home for walking five paces in front of me . And , I could remember smoking on the balcony . Smiles was up and about walking around the apartment . I searched the room for my briefs , but couldn 't locate them . He came in the room and retrieved them for me from deep within the sheets . I had a massive headache , so he gave me some pain killers and water . It was sweet of him to take care of me in my still inebriated / hungover state . I asked Smiles about leaving the party , and he recounted the details for me . It was clear he wasn 't thrilled about it , but he also wasn 't holding it against me . The he uttered , " And I haven 't even gotten to the fun part yet ! " he added . He was going to leave it at that . I told him he couldn 't do that to me . He had to tell me what else I did . He asked if I really wanted to know , and I insisted . This is the " fun " part : Apparently , the advances made by the guy on the balcony didn 't end there . Clearly he was persistent , and clearly I was vulnerable and well intoxicated . Smiles recounted a scene for me that drained all the blood from my face . " [ The guy who sang my praises to Smiles ] came up to me and asked me if you were okay . When I told him you were fine , he replied , ' Are you sure ? Because he 's making out with someone else on the couch . " I nearly passed out . I couldn 't believe it . Was I really capable of that ? Could I really do that to another person after witnessing N do that to me ? Was I that heartless ? I racked my brain trying to remember any bit of a make - out session on the couch . A vague image came to mind of this man kissing all over my neck . I remember asking him to stop , but also couldn 't remember putting up a strong fight . I 'm not sure if my mind was making this up or if it was reality . Either way , my actions were deplorable . I froze . I didn 't know what to do . I didn 't know what to say . I couldn 't believe he was still speaking to me . I couldn 't believe he still had sex with me that night after that . I was mortified . What was going on ? My head was spinning ! " [ Smiles ] , I don 't know how to apologize for that . I can 't believe I did that ! I can 't believe your still speaking to me right now . I can 't believe you didn 't leave me there . I don 't have words for how sorry I am . I don 't remember any of that . At all ! " I plead . Don 't worry about it ! ? I made out with another guy in front of you , and you tell me don 't worry about it ? ! Should I be happy you 're not that upset about it , or should I be even more hurt that you 're not phased by it . " I still don 't know what to say . I can 't believe I did that , " I added . He just looked back at me with a face that said , " Yeah . You did that . " I wanted to slither away into darkness and forget the world . We continued to get ready for brunch and walked out the door . As we walked , all I could think about was how disrespectful I was to the man I 'd grown so fondly of . Sure we had our moments where I questioned our relationship , but what I did was unforgivable . I would not have been able to forgive myself for what I did . When N did it to me , it signaled the end of our relationship . I did this in front of his friends - Many of which I told I was dating Smiles . I made myself look like a complete whore , and I made Smiles look like a fool . The man who was singing my praises was the man who witnessed my greatest downfall . This was one of the worst things I 've ever done in my life , and there was no making up for it and no undoing it . I continued to tell Smiles how bad I felt about the whole thing . He was trying to make conversation and ignore the subject , but it was all my mind could fixate on . " It 's fine . Stop worrying about it , " he kept saying . We ate breakfast and talked about a few things I can 't recall because my mind was completely elsewhere . I was crushed . I almost had to leave the restaurant , Extra Virgin - His favorite restaurant , so I could go outside and cry . It was a gorgeous day , and Smiles told me he wanted to go for a bike ride . He asked what I had planned for the day . I couldn 't think . I had no plans . I was hoping to spend the day with Smiles , but clearly that wasn 't an option . I decided I was going to try to meet Boston before he left the city , even if it was at the bus stop . I had to tell him what I did . I knew he wouldn 't look favorably on me , but I also knew he wouldn 't judge me . I left Smiles with a kiss as he walked south , and I turned and walked north . I decided to walk off my disgrace . As I pounded the pavement from 11th street to 43rd , I tried reaching Boston . He wasn 't answering the nearly twenty - five calls I made to him . I needed him . I needed someone to talk to . I decided to hit up my roommate and see what she was doing . Maybe we could curl up on the couch and watch a movie to help make the day pass by . I talked to her for a bit , but she had plans . I couldn 't bring myself to tell here what I did . I was too ashamed . I would tell her later . I decided to call Smiles during my walk . I wanted to make sure he knew how broken up I was about it if we were to survive this . I reiterated how bad I felt and how wrong I was as I tried to choke back tears and a vocal quiver . " Listen . It 's okay . It 's in the past . It was New Year 's Eve . You were drunk . That was 2011 . This is 2012 . Don 't worry about it . It 's alright , " he assured me . I think he realized how upset this made me , and that was all I could do . My fate was in his hands … New Year 's Eve had arrived , and so did Boston . He came to New York City to celebrate with some friends . They were staying at a hotel in Hell 's Kitchen and going to a bar to ring in the new year . We 'd been in close contact about meeting up while he was visiting for some time . Instead , I killed time spying on my neighbors across the street with my roommate before venturing into the city for the night . It appeared we 'd discovered two ' mos living over there after some close examination . However , their blinds have been drawn now for quite some time , hindering further " study . " Smiles and I had been texting about our plan for the evening . We were going to grab dinner somewhere along the way to the party on the Lower East Side , but when he tried to make a reservation for the restaurant downstairs , he realized the difficulty that may pose . Instead he proposed to make beef stroganoff for the two of us at his apartment . I wasn 't thrilled with the idea because I was looking forward to a romantic dinner for two , but it would have to suffice . ( Now you can begin to see why I hate New Years ) . After we finished eating , we took a cab to the apartment . Smiles spent a good portion of it on the phone with his mother . I 'd already made all my new year 's calls on the walk to Smiles ' apartment from the PATH . I didn 't want to be on my phone the rest of the night trying to call people so I got it out of the way before starting our night together . I thought what he was doing was rude . When he hung up , you could cut the tension in the cab with a knife . Neither of us had anything to talk about . The night was not off to a good start . We arrived at the party and were greeted by a very nice gentleman who was not the host . He was one of the guys Smiles had gone to Six Flags months earlier ( whom he didn 't remember without a reminder ) . A trip I wasn 't invited on and still bitter about . When the host emerged from the shower , Smiles volunteered to run to the corner store to get necessary supplies . Apparently he wasn 't the best of hosts ( or so said Smiles ) . He asked if I wanted to join him or stay and made sure I was okay with staying . I took the opportunity to get to know the guy who greeted us while I waited for Smiles to return and more guests to arrive . More people joined us in waves , and it was a pleasure to meet them all . I sat on the couch talking to one in particular for some time . He seemed like a really great guy . Later in the night , I would learn from Smiles that this guy told him how great I was after learning we were together . " He had nothing but glowing praises for you , " Smiles divulged . A majority of the night , Smiles wasn 't paying attention to me . He was far more concerned with standing in as host . He made sure everyone had a full drink at all times , including me . I had to tell him to cool it because I was getting too drunk too fast . I don 't think he realized I was also filling my own drinks besides what he brought me . I was making plenty of conversation with a lot of the other guys at the party in the meantime . Ironically enough , we were talking about dating . I was giving some of the younger guys my " fatherly advice " from my experiences , which is absurd considering I 'm out less than two years . I did all this without mentioning my blog once , no matter how much I wanted to direct them to it . Smiles was still unaware I was writing OneGayAtATime . When the ball was about to drop , the whole crowd gathered around the TV in the host 's bedroom . Smiles asked if I wanted to pile in , but I told him my lack of interest in watching the ball drop . We huddled by the door as Smiles snapped pictures of the group from the doorway . When 2012 arrived , he turned to me and laid a nice kiss on me . When he pulled back , he went in a second time . It was one of his better kisses and it was sweet , but I 'm not sure it could make up for the lack of attention I received all night . It was like we were at the same party , but we certainly weren 't together . As I talked to the other guys , I felt like I was revealing a big secret that Smiles and I were dating . No one knew , and it was as if I was letting the cat out of the bag . I felt uncomfortable about that . The music came up and the furniture was pushed aside . The living room was now a dance floor . Smiles and I have never gone out dancing together , so I was relishing the opportunity to have a little fun with him . I started dancing with him , and he started laughing at me . It wasn 't completely insulting , but it was also a slightly belittling . I think I was making him uncomfortable ( and I am not a bad dancer by any means ! ) . When I went to refill my drink , Smiles was in the middle of the group dancing up a storm just as I 'd seen him bust a move in Central Park . I was hurt . He didn 't want to dance with me , but he did want to dance with everyone else . When I looked down , my cup had only ice in it . So I made the conscious decision to drink away my sorrows . Johnny Walker Black and I huddled in the kitchen and had a good time together . This is where the night gets foggy . There was a guy who was late to the party who was fawning all over me from that point on . He told me I was gorgeous and paid me more compliments than I can remember . I vaguely remember pointing out to him that I was dating Smiles , but that didn 't stop him . He kept laying it on thick . From that night , the next thing I remember was walking home behind him p * ssed because I was chasing after him . We weren 't walking together . I was walking about ten paces behind him . Smiles woke me in the morning . I was naked , so I knew we had sex , and I had an uncomfortable moist feeling between my cheeks , so I knew I was the bottom . I thought back and could remember flashes of sex from the night before , but I couldn 't remember anything about leaving the party . After I searched for my underwear and my dignity , neither of which I could find without assistance , I picked up my phone to check messages . Apparently in my drunken stupor , I wiped out my phone trying to get into it too many times with a failed password . It was back to factory settings . I told Smiles , and he recounted the walk home . It involved me arguing profusely that we were headed in the wrong direction ( Isn 't that ironic ) . It involved me tapping a French woman on the shoulder and welcoming her to the country . And it involved Smiles being annoyed by my antics . The opportunity arose for me to purchase a Living Social for the New York Shaving Company for a haircut , a shave and free shaving cream for $ 36 . I jumped at it because I was about due for a cut . My hair had grown in considerably since Smiles and I had the barber fix it in Brooklyn . The location of this establishment was also an added bonus - Not far from Smiles ' apartment . I decided to get a new cut before New Year 's Eve , so I made an appointment for Wednesday night following work . I figured I would get cleaned up and then visit Smiles before heading home for the night . We 'd texted during the day and I told him of my plan to get a cut and shave and told him I would try to swing by after since I was in the neighborhood . I have to say , I was really impressed with the place and they did a great job . I was quite uneasy with the cut immediately following because it was so short . It was shorter than the last time , which was a bit of a change for me to get used to . Now I was going even further . It also made me realize the chill outside since I was far less insulated from the bitter cold that night . As I walked through the streets of SoHo carrying a side table in a large box I 'd ordered and shipped to work , I pulled out my cellphone and called Smiles to see if he was home . My hand and face froze in the bitter cold as we I waited for the phone to ring , but I got no answer . After two short rings , it went to voicemail . I knew he 'd " sidebarred " me . However , I was upset for not , because a minute later , he called me back . He apologized for hitting the wrong button when picking up the phone . He was trying to run around to get ready because he was meeting a friend for drinks . I tried to see if he 'd be home for another five minutes , even if all I got to do was say hi and give him a kiss , but alas , he was already running late . I was disappointed I wouldn 't get to see him . He did promise to call me later that night before going to bed . I course corrected for the PATH and made my way back to Hoboken , but not before texting a few other friends to see if they 'd meet me for dinner at the Village Pourhouse in Hoboken . I had a Groupon I needed to use up , and it was late . I didn 't want to go home and cook dinner . I also didn 't want to be alone . After not getting to see Smiles , I felt a little lonely . I quickly stopped home and dropped off the table . I said hello and goodbye to my roommates and made my way to the Pourhouse . D and K decided to come meet me for dinner . It was nice to see them and catch up . I hadn 't seen them in some time . I went to work the next day and learned Smiles was attending the opera that morning from his Facebook status . Considering he took me to the opera a few weeks earlier , I was curious who he was there with . I started to become suspicious , but I had no grounds . Then I felt quite guilty when he called me during intermission to see if I was available to step away from " work " to grab lunch . I was thrilled . He never did this sort of unplanned thing . I told him it wouldn 't be an issue at all , and we picked a place to meet . It looked like my prayers of him finally asking me on a date were answered . I decided to take him to Kyo Chon . I 'd gone there before on a friendly lunch with a guy I 'd met on Grindr and rather enjoyed it . It wasn 't that great this time around . I could tell Smiles wasn 't all that happy with it either . His wings were a little hotter than he could handle . He started sweating in front of me . After we finished out lunch , Smiles was on the lookout for ice cream . He pulled out his phone to search for it . We walked to a Baskin Robins , but he wasn 't thrilled with the idea . I told him about the Ben & Jerry 's in Macy 's Herald Square , and he was much more content with the idea of that as long as time allowed for me to continue to be away from work . I took him on a mini tour of Macy 's after we got ice cream to scope out some of the areas . I 'd always liked the 1 ½ floor there . It 's the " designer " floor , and the people there have always taken great care of me , acting almost as a personal shopper . He was turning his nose up at the commercialism of it as if they weren 't " real " designers . I don 't buy all my clothes there , but to me , all I needed was the Ralph Lauren section to keep me happy . Smiles was talking about his need to revisit his energy specialist , but he was debating whether to go home and go later because he needed a nap . He called to see the hours and learned he 'd have to kill an hour somewhere or come back up to midtown later . I invited him to come up to my office to kill time . I wanted to show him our penthouse in the shadow of the Empire State Building , but he had decided on the nap . That night I went out with friends . I thought about Smiles while at the bar and decided to text him , but got no response . I was being a good wingman to a friend that night , so I concentrated my efforts on that . He texted me back in the am to tell me he stayed in for the night studying . He planned to go shopping for the day , and I didn 't hear from him for the rest of the day . I called him because I wanted to discuss our plans for New Years , but I got no answer . We messaged each other on Facebook briefly that night to tell me he was going out with a friend . I still didn 't know quite what we were going to be doing to close 2011 . I didn 't need to know for any reason , but I was curious what was in the plans . This was another night he 'd be going out with his friends and I mine . I started to think about that . He 'd never invited me out for his boys ' night out . He never asked about my nights out in Hoboken with my friends . If we were in a relationship , we 'd be meeting each other 's friends at this point , but that wasn 't the case . It seems we weren 't in a relationship at all . All the pieces were coming together , but I wouldn 't get the final piece until New Year 's Eve . That would be my gauge on how to proceed . It appeared my timeline had a new distinct end . Or would it be a beginning ? I 'm quite the hypocrite , you see . I complain about the treatment of Valentine 's Day and New Year 's Eve as a special holiday for couples , when I really just fancy another holiday more . I just hate the weight put those two days , but for me , Christmas carries much more weight . I woke Christmas morning and hopped the shower . I 'm so tired of seeing pictures of me Christmas morning with greasy hair and scruff . The timetables are quite turned on their head since I was a kid . My sister and I would sit at the top of the stairs waiting for my father to come home from the morning duties at the farm . On top of that , we 'd have to wait til he showered so we could stand to be in the same room as him . Nowadays , my sister and I are the last to wake . I knew I could leisurely shower , as my sister would still be asleep until someone came to wake her . My mother 's side of the family came to our house in the afternoon to celebrate the holiday . We always spent Christmas afternoon with my mother 's side of the family , but this year was a little different . My uncle and his recent wife were not attending because she was due to have a baby in January . One of my aunts and her husband always came for New Years , not Christmas . This would also be the first Christmas without both my grandparents . It was a little more solemn for me . The only attendees were my aunt , uncle , and three cousins . I waited until a convenient time to sneak away so I could call Smiles . I wanted to make sure I wasn 't interrupting his Christmas plans . I went upstairs to my parents ' room to call him around 5 : 30 . I got no answer . I 'm not out to my extended family , so I then began to worry he would call back , and his caller id name would splash across the television screen , as does everyone 's name who calls . I worried my extended family would see a man was calling me on Christmas . I 'm not sure why I worried . I 'm not ready to tell them just yet , and I suppose I didn 't want them to jump to their own conclusions before I had a chance to properly tell them . Smiles did call back , but not until 10 : 00 after everyone had left . I took the phone up to my room and talked to him for quite some time . Our phone conversations never lasted long , so it was nice that he didn 't cut it short . He told me about everything he 'd been doing with his family . It was nice to hear he finally relaxed around them and realized they loved him no matter what state his career was in . It was a nice Christmas present to get to chat with him and feel closer to him even though we were miles apart . I had an agenda as well . There was a question I needed to ask before it was too late . I was very nervous to ask this question . I 'd failed to ask it once already on the way to the airport . I was afraid of the disappointing answer I expected . In the middle of our conversation , I asked him , " Can we spend New Year 's together ? " In a shocking reply without thought , Smiles said , " Sure . I was going to [ my friend 's ] for a party . I 'll just tell him I 'm bringing a plus one . We chatted a bit more before ending the conversation . It was quite a nice Christmas gift to know I had New Year 's plans . I was beginning to worry I would spend New Years on my couch alone . All my friends had plans that didn 't involve me . I was already picturing myself in bed at 7 : 00pm . Knowing I had plans was great , but knowing I would spend the night with Smiles made my night . I walked around the rest of the night with a smile from ear to ear . |
November 12 , 2000 1 : 27 am \ by elegant Multiple dream night . First dream was about Maynard James Keenan from Tool / APC . I had gone to a hotel room like place where Maynard was teaching a class , or lecturing about some kind of experiment or something . I didn 't know it was Maynard , but I went in to listen to him , and I sat on the floor next to the bed . He had long hair , and it didn 't look like a wig that 's why I didn 't know it was him . Something with the experiment , caused him to have to pull out some hair that needed to be used in what he was doing , which added to my confusion if it was Maynard or not . I kept trying to decide if it was him or not by looking at the hair to see if it was real or a wig . Then I remembered that he has the APC logo tattooed on his arm ( which that isn 't true in real life ) , so I kept trying to look at his arm as he was doing this experiment . Finally I got a glimpse of the tattoo , and I knew it was him , and I was all happy that I recognized him . So then Danielle came into the room , which was really our room where we lived . And so I 'm trying to mouth to her that it 's Maynard . Then she gets into bed to go to sleep , and Maynard was bald again , and he had left his jewelry on the bed , so I went to move it , and still the whole time I hadn 't let on that I knew he was Maynard . So then I guess the experiment was over , because now he was bald , and he sat on the bed with Danielle , and was talking to us . I was still sitting on the floor , and I can 't remember now what we were talking about , but then he kissed me . It wasn 't a sexual thing , just like , a friend thing . That was about it . Dream 2 . Not sure how it began but it ended up with me at my house with Scary Trench Coat Boy . He was sitting in the red chair near the TV in my living room , and I was sitting on the floor . Sometimes the room flashed into my bedroom , but most of the time it stayed the living room . My mom was there , and I know she was thinking why did I bring home this scary trench coat boy . But we 're talking and , I had this little square fish bowl and a goldfish . Then my dog ( I don 't have a dog ) was in the fish bowl too , because earlier my mom had gotten pissed and shrank the dog and put him in with the fish . I kept talking to scary trench coat boy about how the dog could be surviving in the fish bowl . He didn 't understand how a dog could be in there , but I took the dog out and put him on the floor , and he was a big dog again . So we 're watching TV , and talking sort of , and my dad comes home . He wonders why I brought home this scary trench coat boy , but doesn 't say anything . Scary trench coat boy is really uncomfortable , and I haven 't introduced him to anyone because I don 't know his name . So he kind of laughs , and says something to my dad about not ever getting introduced , so I ask him his name , and he says " Travis " . possible explanation : Not too sure . I wasn 't thinking about Maynard at all . Scary Trench Coat Boy is a guy at my school . He wears a black trench coat , or black shiny trench coat every day , no matter what the weather . He 's sorta goth , but not really , but definitely scary . Whenever I see him , he stares at me . Last night he was at the bar we went to , to see a band play , and he stared at me . It would be weird if I end up talking to him at some point and finding out his name is Travis . Posted in : Dreams \ Tagged : dreams November 4 , 2000 1 : 28 am \ by elegant I don 't remember much of this dream , well at least the parts that make it flow together . It 's very choppy in my mind , so sorry if it makes less sense than normal . In this dream I was extremely violent and homicidal . I was someplace , a house or something , and wanted to fight everyone , or kill someone , or something . I was fighting with someone , I don 't know who , and they threw me over their shoulder like some kind of karate move , and then did some other kind of move where they threw me . The entire dream I was incredibly pissed off and angry , wanting to be violent . Anyway , someone said that I had lost the fight , but I remember I was doing quite well so I wanted to see an instant replay . But instead of an instant replay it was more like a re - enactment . This time since I knew when the girl was going to do those throwing moves on me , I tried real hard so she wouldn 't be able to throw me and she couldn 't . Then this girl I worked with this summer was there , and I wanted to kill her too . So I grabbed this glass as she tried to calm me down , and was going to smash it against the table , but she told me it was plastic . So I tried to find another glass , which there were glasses all over this coffee table . I was sitting on the floor next to the table , and she was across from me . I was holding the glass , and really wanted to smash it so I could throw it at someone . But I didn 't . Then I was at a Sabres game , up in the 300 level . I was still severely pissed off and homicidal , and I wouldn 't talk to anyone . There was something about me wanting to leave and go to sleep , but I don 't know what that was about . So I guess it was the 3rd period of the game , and they took a 5 minute break which confused me . Then I thought it must be going into overtime , that 's why they 're taking the break . But it wasn 't overtime . Then all the ushers working at the arena told everyone to come down to a lower level of seats for the end of the game , because lots opossible explanation : Hockey is explained because I had watched the hockey game that night . I haven 't thought about REM or Courtney Love in a long time , so I 'm not sure where that came from . I have no idea why I wanted to kill people , or why I was extremely violent and psychotic . Posted in : Dreams \ Tagged : dreams October 30 , 2000 1 : 22 am \ by elegant I guess there had been a Sabres game , and I was trying to find out who won . It was against some Canadian team , I think Montreal . So I was wandering around my neighborhood looking for someone with the TV on so I could find out the score . I ended up walking down Nash Rd and kept seeing a bunch of girls from high school , who I hate , driving around . So I went down into Wurlitzer Park and started walking up some one 's porch steps . It was an old lady 's house , and she saw me coming and warned me not to come any closer . I guess she thought I was a robber . She was an overly paranoid lady , because she had electrified her porch railings , and so I grabbed one while I was going up the steps and got electrocuted . She said she warned me that it was an electrified railing , but she never did . So I 'm standing there getting electrocuted , because I couldn 't let go . So I let go finally , and then she felt bad , and took me inside , I guess she trusted I wasn 't going to rob her . I told her I wanted to see the score of the game , and she said sure , and made me put on her husband 's Sabres baseball hat . It said Stu Barnes on it . The Sabres lost ( I hope this isn 't a psychic dream , because we play Montreal on Friday haha ) , by one goal . The old lady still felt bad for electrocuting me , so she invited me for dinner . But I was still pissed that there was no warning sign about the electrified railing , and I didn 't want to stay but she had already set a place for me . She had 2 grandsons there too , who were running around . Well I had to go to the bathroom , so I asked if I could and she said sure , and showed me where to go . It was in a drawer in a cabinet in the dining room . Well first of all , I didn 't want to pee in a drawer of a cabinet . Secondly , it was in the dining room and there was no door or anything so they wouldn 't see me , and the 2 boys kept running around . So I didn 't go to the bathroom . That was about it . possible explanations : No idea . I guess just that it 's hockey season , I 'd dream about hockey . Don 't know a thing about the electrocution , as I haven 't talked about the time I was electrocuted at work recently . And the old lady , not sure about that either . I 'm never sure with anything in my dreams , they are too psycho . possible interpretation : Well alot of people would say , dreaming about going to the bathroom , meant I really had to go in real life . The dream was near morning , so yeah , I probably did really have to go to the bathroom . But still , don 't know about the rest of it . Posted in : Dreams \ Tagged : dreams , hockey October 25 , 2000 1 : 22 am \ by elegant Another squirrel dream . I was only taking a nap and I didn 't think I was actually asleep , but … I was in my school 's art building , but it was also where I lived , and I had to go down the hall to show someone something , and we were on the way back to my room when my bracelet fell apart . It was a really shitty bracelet , and it broke all the time . So I was holding the pieces but then dropped a few , which broke when they hit the floor because it was so shitty . I was getting pissed , and went back into my room when the walkman I was apparently holding broke in half and half of it fell on the floor . So I was really pissed at how shitty everything I had was , threw it all on my desk and left to go to the park . I went to a state park kind of place , with trails and stuff . I guess I had to go there to get something from some particular part of the park . So I was on the trail , and I saw a kid slide down another part of it because it was really slippery . So I 'm walking and am about to go down a little hill , and so I sit down and decide to slide down it like the other kid . Then I realized it was really dirty , and decided not to , but since it was so slippery , I couldn 't stand up to walk down . So I decided to try to turn around and go back and use a different trail to get to where I needed to be . So I was still sitting down , and turning to go back , and the trail had shrunk and gotten really skinny , so I didn 't have much room for my feet , and didn 't want to fall into the water that was there . It was a pond , and I looked into the pond and there were stone steps going into the pond , almost like an inverted lego pyramid . Then I saw a fish in the water and thought there wasn 't any fish in the park because it was polluted . But then it turned into a squirrel , and it started swimming really fast , and jumped out of the water and landed on my thigh . I cringed in the dream , and made some kind of scared scream / noise , and I think I cringed in my slepossible explanation - Another damn squirrel dream … I don 't know why I 'm having them . I didn 't even see any squirrels today . I do have a bracelet that keeps falling off , but not breaking , because it has a stupid clasp . Not too sure about the walkman or park . Posted in : Dreams \ Tagged : dreams October 24 , 2000 1 : 23 am \ by elegant I was at Tops grocery store , with Liz , Lucky and Nikolas from General Hospital . We were in an isle , in front of this kind of conveyor belt . We were helping the store clean up and get organized for some kind of corporate review . The store was disgusting and I kept saying that I didn 't know why we were helping , because there 'd never be enough help to save that place . So I was quickly putting these blocks of stuff onto this conveyor belt and they 'd go down to Lucky and Nikolas , but I was going to fast because I had manic - depressive illness . I was manic at that point and going too fast for everyone . Then I got real depressed and could barely move , I couldn 't lift the blocks because I was so depressed , and my medication was giving me side effects so I felt sick . Then I was sitting in the food court part of the grocery store , I was fine , not sick or manic - depressive , and Stone Temple Pilots were giving a concert there . So then Danielle was there sitting at the table with me watching the concert . Near the end , Scott Weiland took his shirt off , and then went for his pants . Danielle and I both screamed " Take it off ! " and he stopped and said , " Does anyone want to help me with this ? ! " And without hesitation I got up and walked over to him . He had pajama pants on , and they were safety pined on tight so they wouldn 't fall off . So I undid the safety pin , put the pin on the table and pulled his pants off . So I stood next to him and put my arm around his shoulder as everyone got a good look at Scott naked . Then my parents were in the crowd , and started taking pictures of me and naked Scott on stage so I could prove that I was the one who took his pants off . It was weird , because I could feel my arm around him , and he was sweaty and stuff , it felt very real . Then I woke up to Bone Thugs n Harmony 's " Crossroads " in my head … . possible explanation - The manic - depressive part can be accounted for because I had just finished reading a book about it . Tops market , General Hospital , and STP can 't be explained really . Scott taking his pants off might be explained by the fact that he did take his pants off when I saw STP in concert a few weeks ago . Why I dreamed about STP I 'm not sure … Posted in : Dreams \ Tagged : dreams October 21 , 2000 1 : 24 am \ by elegant Apparently I was in charge of getting together a reunion for a bunch of my friends , that I used to talk to in # Mjfans on the undernet . It was a real reunion , not an internet one , and I had planned for it to be at TGI Fridays restaurant . So I went , and met up with my friends , and we were seated . But then , surrounding the building outside , were tons of men all in black , with big guns . They were sharp shooters , they had the red lazer sights on their guns . They were there trying to kill some guy who was on top of a building across the street or something . The bad guy shot one of the sharp shooters . Then inside the restaurant there was a rotunda kind of thing , and inside the rotunda were tons of sharp shooters . So we 're all in the restaurant , a lot of people were there , and no one could leave . We were huddled on this small staircase , because we didn 't want to get shot by the bad guy . We were right under the rotunda , and every now and then the sharp shooters would aim their guns at someone else , and all the light scopes from the guns created a weird cool light show . So then , I left the restaurant somehow , with my dad . And my mom was on this piece of cardboard , like a drawing . And then she died . The drawing wasn 't breathing or anything , and so we rushed to the emergency room , so they could fix her . We gave the doctor the cardboard , and Danielle came walking out , perfectly alive . Apparently Danielle was supposed to be my mom or something . So I got really pissed that why didn 't she call and tell us she was alive , and stuff . Another part of this dream , or some other dream , I was with a bunch of these friends , and two strange boys came to talk to us . They were really nice , the one boy shook my hand and it was really soft . Then we were someplace , again huddled down , but not from sharp shooters , and I sat behind the soft hand boy . He put his arm around me , and then I assume , we were dating . But we never said anything to each other because he was really shy . But he was really nice to me , without even needing to say anything . It 's hard to explain . possible explanation - Not too sure . My friends from # Mjfans are trying to get together an IRC reunion , so that could explain part of the dream . The sharp shooters and Friday 's came out of no where . Posted in : Dreams \ Tagged : dreams October 18 , 2000 1 : 24 am \ by elegant I was in London , England , on a bus . It was a kind of tourist bus trip around the town kind of thing . We passed another bus , and on it was Simon LeBon from Duran Duran . He was getting off the bus , so I got off mine and followed him . I was trying to catch up with him , but there were a lot of people in the way . He stopped at a theatre , but it wasn 't a movie theatre . It was a kind of TV studio , because they were showing Hollywood Squares ( the game show ) . He asked the woman if there were any tickets left , and she said no . So I asked him how much they were , and Simon said 1 dollar . I said oh , and suddenly Simon asked the woman to buy all 500 of the tickets for the next show . He looked at me and said , " Just think of this as a precursor of more extravagant things to come . " I said ok , and it was just assumed that I was now on a date with Simon . So since we had time before the show , we went into this store . The store was some kind of sensual , seduction store . The only thing in it was lit candles all over . It was then understood that we were going to end up having sex later that night . Since we still had time before the show , we went to an apartment , which I assumed to be mine . We were there for a while , and he told me about how stupid Robbie Williams is . Robbie was dating a teacher , who was constantly teaching her kids not to have sex before marriage , but then Robbie got her pregnant . Then Simon had to go home , and he lived in Oklahoma City . Then Danielle came over to my apartment in London , and we were fixing my bed because something was wrong with it . The mattress was all flattened , more on one side than the other , and the sheets didn 't fit . We turned the mattress over , and started taping the sheets onto the bottom of the mattress so it would stay . Then Simon called me from Oklahoma City , and we talked on the phone for a while . He made some comment about living in Oklahoma City , where things blow up every 10 minutes . I thought it was odd thaThat was the end of that dream , but it moved on to me being at my house , and there being a squirrel inside . It brought me keys to the door , like a dog , to be let outside . So I took the keys , and then it ran at me , and I jumped over it before it could bite my foot . Then I opened the door and got it out of the house . possible explanation : Absolutely no idea . I haven 't listened to Duran Duran in a long time , I haven 't seen them on TV , haven 't thought about them … I have no idea why I was dreaming about Hollywood Squares , as I haven 't watched that show in ages . London is explained because I had been thinking about asking a friend who lives there about his apartment . There has been no news about Oklahoma City , so that was out of nowhere as well . The squirrel dream , another part of my reoccurring squirrels biting my feet dreams . I had gone to Antarctica to view a raising of an island that had been buried underwater for years . After it had been raised , we were walking on the ice , and I found some computers that had been buried in the ice from when a school had been there . So I dug one out of the ice , and I turned it on and it still worked ! So I was looking around on the computer , and it had all this information about Limp Bizkit and their new album " chocolate starfish … . " . I was amazed that they had known this info years before Limp Bizkit even was created . Then Fred Durst was there , and I was telling him how much his new album sucks . Then I was in my room , and an old friend from high school showed up , and was telling me stories . Then he began quoting Orgy lyrics , and I was like , " hey . good one . " Then I was at my house , in my family room and my cat was scratching at the door to be let in . So I opened the door and let her in . Then there was more scratching at the door , and I didn 't know why because I had just let her inside . So I see her outside again , and open the door . But it wasn 't her , it was a squirrel . The squirrel came inside and bit my foot , and I couldn 't get it off of me . possible explanation : There 's been a lot of coverage of Limp Bizkit 's new album . What computers on Antarctica has to do with it , I 'm not sure . The squirrel thing … I 've been having reoccurring dreams about squirrels biting my feet . possible interpretation : I 've looked at a few bullshit explanations about squirrels and feet , but nothing seemed right . Limp Bizkit 's new album does suck , so I 've heard , but I don 't know first hand . I just hate Fred Durst . I was walking on campus one day , and these squirrels were running around . One came up to me and bit my foot , and I couldn 't get it off . I kept kicking at it with my other foot , but it wouldn 't let go . I was doing all I could to get the squirrel to let go of my foot . So I went to the health center , and told them a squirrel bit me again and I couldn 't get it off . I had said " again " , so apparently it wasn 't the first time I had been bitten by a squirrel . possible explanation : No idea . This was the first of my newly reoccurring " squirrel biting my feet " dreams . I didn 't remember the dream until later that day when a squirrel ran in front of me when coming back from class . I was Carly from General Hospital , and Sonny from GH , was supposed to be taking me out to dinner for our wedding , and to celebrate being married . But he said we had to do something else first . So we were at this dinner party , maybe a banquet , and we were walking around carrying trays with tons of wine glasses on them . I was getting very pissed at him for making me do this when we were supposed to be out celebrating . Then , Sonny was outside , and he got hit by a car . I went to the hospital with Bobby , from GH , to see if he was ok . We found him , and he was just a head . He had no body , but he was alive . Then I was wondering how GH was going to deal with this , Sonny just being a head . I figured they 'd introduce some new character that was his twin , who lost a head , and would attach the body to Sonny 's head . Oct 7th was the STP concert at UB 's Alumni Arena . Danielle and Adrienne came over in the morning so we could get ready for the show . We crimped my hair ( it ended up way poofy , very cool looking ) , I wore my black vinyl pants , my rock star shirt , black jacket and my blue feather boa . Around 3 we left to go to UB to wait outside the arena , doors were at 6 : 30 . It was cold , so we ended up sitting inside the doorway to the arena for a while before getting kicked outside again for the last hour . They had to lock up the building so that they could do sound check and stuff without us hearing . So everyone was smashed outside in the cold until they finally opened the doors . We had to go through metal detectors , and of course , Danielle and I both beeped so they asked to look in our purse . While she was showing the guy her purse , I pulled out my cell phone , said that was all I had and left without them even looking at my purse . So we quickly got to the door to the seats , ran down the stairs and got front barrier . Eric , Mary , Karl and Kelly who didn 't get to UB until 630ish ended up finding us , and were a few people behind us . So we chilled up in front and waited for Liquid Gang to come on . They started at 7 : 30 and played for a while . They were really good , and I was really impressed . After they finished , they changed the stage around ( and let me just say , they had a really good system . It only took about 10 minutes . The drum set was on wheels , so they just had to wheel it in , the guitars were tuned , and everything was quickly ready for Disturbed ) . So Disturbed came on . The crowd got rough . Buffalo crowds are full of assholes . This was the worst show I 've been to , crowd wise . Everyone was pushing , which is expected , but this was worse than normal . Being against the barrier didn 't help because there was no where to go . There was this really bad asshole between Danielle and David trying to push through the whole time . The guards were going to pull him out just because he was causing trouble but then left him . So the entire Disturbed set , I couldn 't breath , I was falling over without being able to fall because there were so many people all smashed together . Half the set I had a security guard standing in front of me pulling crowd surfers over the barrier ( but that was OK , because anytime a security guard stood in front of me , I ducked and covered , knowing a surfer was near ) , or just monitoring the pit . Most of the time all I could see was a person 's stomach , and I was concentrating too hard on breathing and keeping my feet on the floor . I prayed for Disturbed to end so that I 'd be able to stand up straight and breath . No such luck , because even after they were finished I wasn 't standing straight and was still stuck . Disturbed were OK . I was disappointed because I had heard so many good things about their show at Ozzfest , and how they were one of the best band 's there . Their set lacked energy in my opinion , and … how do I put this ? … it was very WWF - ish if you ask me … The singer David looks like he could be a wrestler to begin with . The electric chair intro was cool , but very WWF - ish to me . And he was always doing that " suck it " D - Gen X thing . Danielle and David thought their set was amazing … I definitely would not say amazing . I 'd say it was all right , better than a lot of stuff out there , but definitely not amazing . So after Disturbed finished , they changed the stage again and the guys from Liquid Gang walked out in front of the barrier to talk to everyone and sign stuff . Well we were all stuck , unable to move at all . The guys in the band walked over to us , Kelly was able to get her and Karl 's tickets out for them to sign , the rest of us were too stuck to move . The singer Jose came over to us , Eric told him he was on the street team , etc . I shook his hand , and he complimented me on my boa . I ended up shaking all their hands , and telling them they did an awesome job . The guitarist Stinger ended up signing my hand because that was all I could move . He liked my hair . I talked to Chris the other guitarist , and I can 't remember if it was him , or the bassist Eric who had the tattoo on his arm that I asked about . It 's Chinese ( or something ) symbols , I asked him what it meant and he said basically that he wanted to be a musician . Craig was the last one to go by , and I told him they were awesome . So then … . we waited for STP to come on , everyone pushed the other way so we could all try to be standing straight . Danielle got pushed back and I ended up next to David holding on to the barrier for dear life . Then I decided there was no way I was going to survive so I had the security guards pull me out . I went back in on the left side of the stage and just stood there . STP came on , and it rocked . After a few songs I stood up on a chair in the front row of seats and it was perfect . I could see over the crowd , I could see the entire stage perfectly , and I 'm sure it was way better than it would have been if I had stayed at barrier ( for one thing , security would have been in front of me most of the show , and I would have died ) . Everyone else ended up leaving the crowd by walking out ( or pushing their way out ) instead of being pulled over the barrier . They ended up on the opposite side of the stage from me . STP KICKED ASS ! ! They opened with " Crackerman " , they did a couple songs acoustic ( " Sour Girl " , " Creep " , " Big Empty " I think ) , then went back to the normal stuff . They did the new single from " no 4 " and " Down " , the rest were off the first 3 albums ( only 1 song from " Tiny Music … " ) During " Plush " Scott went into the right side of the crowd in the bleachers and let people sing with him . It was very cool . During " Dead and Bloated " ( I think ) David from Disturbed came out and sang with Scott , and that was very awesome . As an encore STP came back out and did " Sex Type Thing " ( I think , god I can never remember set lists lol ) and Scott wore an American Flag on his head . Then he decided to tie the flag around his waist and take his pants off . Well , first of all he didn 't tie it very good . Secondly I don 't think he realized that when he lifted his leg to get his pants off , that everyone on the left side ( where I was ) could see inside the slit of the flag where it was tied . You know what that means … I saw Scott Weiland 's penis … HAHA . At end , Robert ( the bassist ) went over to Scott and started to untie the flag , so Scott put his hands under the flag and over his balls , and Robert took the flag and danced around with it . Then Scott had to walk off stage naked , so we all got a nice shot of his ass . Haha . The show kicked ass , it 's up on my list of one of my favorites ( despite the bruises , and complete bodily pain everywhere ) . So after the show , I had to find everyone else . I stayed on my chair and looked over the crowd to find them but couldn 't . The guys from Liquid Gang were behind the side barrier so I went back over there , now that I could move , to get their autographs . I got all except Craig , who wasn 't around there . I got Eric 's signature first ( I had to explain that all I had for them to sign was a pad of paper from a Funeral home , they laughed about that ) , then Jose started playing with my boa and put it around his neck as we were talking . I was getting Chris 's autograph and I asked if I could touch his hair ( it was all spiked , tons of gel , very cool ) . Then I had to chase Stinger up the seats ( not sure where he was headed ) but caught up to him and got his autograph . I didn 't stick around there to see if Craig was going to come out . I left the inside part and went to find my friends . We had the possibility of going backstage after the show through a girl who works for 103 . 3 the edge so I figured they 'd be by 103 . 3 's van . I was right , I found Danielle Adrienne and David , but then we had to wait for Eric and the rest because they went to look for me . So then we went back inside where Eric and them were buying merchandise . After we decided to head around back to see if we could meet anyone else in the bands . It was raining , which sucked , but that wasn 't my first time out in the cold rain waiting to meet famous people . Eric and them were ahead of me and Adrienne , Danielle and David , and we were walking behind the busses , which the area was blocked off with yellow caution tape . So I had the bright idea of going under the tape anyway . I figured what are they going to do ? Kick me out ? I 'll be no worse off if I do it , I 'll just end up behind the tape again . So Adrienne followed me , along with Danielle and David , and very spy like , we walked in between the busses and stood around with some other people who had the same kind of idea . Eric and them left , I guess . I got to see inside one of the busses finally ! So then a cop / guard came and told us all we had to leave and go behind the tape . So we started to leave but I went in between the busses and decided I wasn 't going to leave . Adrienne and I ended up " hiding " behind one of the busses , while everyone else went behind the tape again . There were pine trees we were standing under behind the bus , and then 5 guys who had the same idea joined us and we stood there talking . Then more event staff and cops came , and they told the people behind the tape they had to make sure to stay behind it . 3 of the guys with us went behind the tape , 2 others hid between the busses again , and Adrienne and I stood there . A bunch of the event staff people saw us there , 2 cops looked right at us , and no one said anything . I kept joking around that if we don 't move they can 't see us , you know , like the Tyrannosaurus Rex . So for about 10 min we stood there without anyone bothering us or asking us to leave . Then finally one of the event staff kids asked us if we had passes . I told him we did , but we lost them . He said if he didn 't see a pass he 'd have to ask us to leave . So we said OK , but then just stood there . We jokingly argued with him about bribing him , and he told us that he 'd get in trouble if he let us stay there . But we just stood there . We waited for about 5 min , and he kept telling us , " you 're not moving " . I said yeah , I know . Finally Adrienne and I went behind the yellow tape . We ended up talking to this girl and her boyfriend , the girl was a singer and wanted to sing for Jose . Then there were 3 boys next to us who had caught Scott Weiland 's towel and were waiting for him to come out and sign it for them . They were really cool . Then David from Disturbed came out , he came over to me first and signed my paper I had , and I shook his hand ( my hand was freezing ) . He signed everyone else 's shit , and left . We decided to leave , STP doesn 't cater to their fans much , and it was cold . The 3 guys invited us back to their dorm room to party , but we had to go . We drove home , I managed to get my pants off and inspect my bruises . The show was awesome , but a very asshole filled crowd ( most of the people we had been up front with had left during STP , even the annoying kid with the " Still Remains " sign ) . Definitely looking forward to seeing STP again eventually … and Liquid Gang ( they just impressed me beyond belief … and they were so nice ) . August 18th , Danielle and I headed out to Boston to see A Perfect Circle in concert . We made plans for where to stay , and all that jazz , only we didn 't have tickets to the show . We figured we 'd get scalper tickets , and go anyway . So we left around 7 am , after getting breakfast at McDs . We stopped to eat twice . We were starving , and so we got off at an exit in Mass , but it just turned into another expressway , and then into another one . We got off that and ended up in a mall parking lot , but I managed to get back to the Mass Pike without getting any food . After that small detour , we made it to Belmont , where we were staying , around 3 : 30 . We got pizza , and made plans to take a taxi to the show . Debbie drove us to the subway station at 5 : 30 to catch a taxi to Avalon , which was in Boston , across the street from Fenway Park . The taxi driver , who didn 't speak English , dropped us off at Kenmore Square , because Lansdowne St . ( where Avalon was ) would be too crowded . So he pointed us in the direction of the street and we walked to the venue . When we walked up lots of people were outside looking for tickets , and we found Krista and her friend Sarah . They needed one ticket , and ended up getting it from this guy with a stuttering problem . They went inside , and left us out to find tickets . We ended up getting some free promo stuff , the Mer De Noms 4 song sampler CD , and the Sunna sampler tape . We walked around and asked a few people . One guy offered us backstage passes . I asked to see them , and he showed me , but it was so generic it was obviously fake . So he said he 'd try to find us tickets , because he felt bad we had driven so far to see the show . Then we ended up getting our tickets from the stuttering guy . It felt like a drug deal . We walked down the street a bit with him ( away from the cop who had been sitting in front of Avalon . There was a baseball game too , so there were lots of people selling tickets ) , he gave us the tickets , we gave him the money and pretended nothing happened . So we went inside , by this time , very low on cash . We passed the merchandise for sale , and saw a shirt we NEEDED to have . So Danielle got money out of the ATM for them . We got our shirts , and headed inside the bar area . We made our way closer to the stage on the floor , and I was looking for Krista . I had given up and was just looking around the club when I saw her standing on these steps that went from the bar / table area to the dance floor . So we pushed our way through the crowd over to her , and got on the steps with the people who were over there . We could see great because we were higher than everyone else , but we were right in front of the speaker . Sunna was the opening band , and they were pretty good . Just really , really loud , so I was totally deaf after their set . Next to us was this guy who seemed really nice , cuz he helped us onto the steps , and stuff , but he turned perverted . He was trying to get between us girls , and ended up almost groping Danielle during A Perfect Circle 's set . So anyway , Sunna played , and left , and APC set up their stuff . A black translucent curtain fell in front of the stage , and we waited for the show to begin . After a long wait , 2 women walked on stage , sat at a table and lit a candle ( so we could see through the black curtain ) . They played some card game , and whoever lost took a piece of clothing off . The point of this , I don 't know , but of course the guys loved it . So they got down to their underwear , blew the candle out and left . Then APC finally came on . They opened with " Magdelena " , half of the song performed behind the curtain . Then the curtain fell and it was just so way cool . After ' Magdelena " was " Orestes " , and ' Sleeping Beauty " . I have no idea the order of the set , but I know they played everything except " Renholder " , and they added " Diary of a Lovesong " . They closed with " Judith " , as expected . It was so awesome to hear everyone scream " fuck your god " along with Maynard during that song . During one of the first songs , people were pushing everyone on the floor , and everyone on the right side of the stage ( where we were ) fell like dominoes . This caused everyone on the steps to fall too . I think I was one of the last people to fall , but this guy fell on my leg , which was caught between him and the steps . I 'm so lucky it didn 't break , cuz this guy was really heavy . My leg hurt a lot , and I thought I was bleeding , but this hot guy in a black mesh shirt helped me up . Danielle asked if I was ok , and I was . So we watched the rest of the show which kicked ass . It was one of the best shows I 've seen . Maynard 's vocals sounded incredible , and everyone played with such excitement and passion . It was incredible . Maynard had a blonde wig on instead of the brown one he had been wearing . He talked to the crowd a lot , about living in Boston , and his reason 's for writing Diary of a Lovesong ( to mediate his liking of Black Sabbath and the Cure ) . Paz had " D Lohner " written on her bass . I tried to get pictures of it , but even thouSaturday Debbie and Kenny took us to Harvard Square to look around and shop , and to Newbury Street . We had dinner at Friday 's on Newbury . I bought a bunch of used CDs at one shop . At the Tower Records in Harvard Square , they had a big APC display of the promo poster , and album flats pasted onto one of those Styrofoam tack boards . I asked the guy if I could have it since the concert had been the day before , and they didn 't need to advertise it anymore . He asked me if I was trying to convince him , or myself , and I said him , so he told me to get it out of there . So Danielle and I took the display , and are going to use it at school . At Newbury comics , I asked for a few more APC album flats . Saturday night we went back to Belmont and watched " The Jackal " . Good movie . Sunday we got up early and headed back home around 10 . We stopped to eat at the same McD 's we did on our way home from Salem last Halloween . We got home around 5 / 5 : 30 . During spring break , I got tickets to the Nine Inch Nails show in Toronto . The Thursday before the show , Eric came and picked me up to stay overnight in his apartment at RIT . Friday , I spent a few hours in the RIT library , yay , and then around 4 : 30 me , Eric , Mary , Karl , Dan and their friend who 's name I can 't remember left for Toronto . After a quick stop at Karl 's house and Wendy 's we hit the road for Toronto . I had told my friend Carolyn to meet us at this Taco Bell near Maple Leaf gardens at 6 or 6 : 30 … but since we didn 't leave until 4 : 30 we were about 2 hours late HAHA . So anyway , we get into Canada , and are on our way … we hit a bit of traffic , nothing bad . We get into the city , find a parking lot and go get Carolyn at Taco Bell , who was ready to just go home . So we went into MLG and got padded down , pink wrist bands , and headed out to the floor . As soon as we got onto the floor Carolyn and I lost the rest of them ( actually , their no name friend had a seat by himself , and we all had floor tix ) but found a spot in the crowd until we could find them again . We missed half of A Perfect Circle 's opening set , but from what I saw they were pretty good . So they finished , and we walked around the back of the crowd as people left before NIN came on . We found them , and rejoined them . At 9 : 30 , the show started . There was a black curtain around the stage , and they " opened " with " pinion " which went into " terrible lie " as the curtain opened . This is the complete They played for an hour and a half . At one point Trent talked to the crowd about how it had been a long time since they had been there , and he thanked us because they were really looking forward to playing for us , and how we made him happy and that was a rare event . The show was beautiful . The stage was pretty small , smaller than what I expected . They had 3 LCD things ( dunno what u would call them ) , that they used for lighting instead of just pictures ( like jumbotrons ) . . they moved down from above them pointing down , to behind them and they moved front and back , and it was a really cool effect . During some of the instrumentals they did use them for natureish pictures of water , and a field of tulips , and it was gorgeous . After the first 3 or 4 songs , like when they played Piggy , the crowd mellowed out , and were amazing . The beginning was nuts of course , and we got thrown around a bit ( That 's when Karl got hurt ) , but after Piggy , it was great . I had a perfect view of the stage the entire time , we were about mid stage mid ice . I had no problem with people around me , and I didn 't need to get my spleen removed afterwards haha . Before the encore Trent was like " you put me in a good mood , and that 's a rare thing , thanks . " What else . . god it was just so incredible … The best show I 've ever been to … Ok , so NIN closed with " hurt " the LCD screens were behind Trent and light just shown on him and it was so great . Um … I guess that 's it … so after the show we went out to find Karl , and got in line for shirts , which was worse pushing than the crowd during the show was . After we got our shirts we still hadn 't found Karl , so Dan , Carolyn and I went out front , no name guy and Eric went out back and that 's where he was , near the parking lot . So I said goodbye to Carolyn , and we headed out of Toronto . By then it was about 12 , and when we finally got to the QEW , we ended up losing no name guy who Dan was driving with , because they went a wrong way , then made an illegal turn back into the right way , but then we got stopped at a red light , and lost them . Since no name guy drove so slow , we caught up to them , passed them but they didn 't realize it . And so we lost them again … . we pulled over to the side of the road until they passed us again , then we ran over a box which got stuck under the car for the entire way home haha . Then in Oakville we got stuck in traffic cuz of construction , that was about 5 feet … but they merged 4 lanes into 1 without any signs or anything . We were there for a half hour … so that ended , and we rode back to North Tonawanda . Got home at quarter after two , drank a bottle of water and went to bed . On Saturday I got up around 12 , took a shower and stuff and Eric , Dan and Karl and some girl , Kelly I think , came to my house to go to the Our Lady Peace show … which I wasn 't going to go to because I had so much work to do , but I did anyway . We went to UB ( university of buffalo ) to find out about it , doors opened at 4 so we went to the mall and then back to UB . We found out that OLP wasn 't going to go on until 9pm , so we decided not to go , and go back to school . So we went and got my stuff from home , and then to Eric 's house where his parents made us dinner , and drove back to RIT . After a quick stop there , Eric drove me back to Geneseo , and this boring life . |
In waking life , I generally have neat handwriting . However , when writing in my dream journal in the middle of the night , I write messily . This time , it was largely illegible . I really need to fix that . Slept about 7 . 5 hours last night . Dream 1 : During my hypnagogic imagery ( so WILD I believe ) , I very quickly became lucid ! I was standing in a green field . The dream was a bit hazy , and I forgot to demand clarity . I remembered my first goal for the three - step thingy , to use technology . I figured I 'd use an iPad , and made one appear in my hands . For some reason , my hazy brain decided to use Numbers , and a spreadsheet appeared . Then I figured that that was pretty boring , and tried to boot up a racing game . I was able to play it for a few seconds , and then the dream faded and I woke up . I wrote down some non - lucid dream fragments , but they were so messy that I can 't read them . : / Due to a lack of recall , I will only count the 2 that I can actually read : Dream ( Fragment ) 3 : My family had gotten cast out of . . . civilization ? Our hometown ? Can 't remember , but I think it was out of some sort of fictional civilization that we had been living in . We were placed out into the bitter cold . And someone got bitten by something . I was some Kirby - like figure returning to a city . The tyrannical ruler and my arch - rival met me at its outskirt , on a cliff overseeing the city . He was apparently deposed , but the new ruler was even worse than him , and he 's explaining things to me wanting me to help him get his throne back . Someone who I assume is my friend showed up and he and the tyrant had a huge row about something before they wondered where I went . At this point I realized I was looking at them in third person because the tyrant accidentally pushed me off the cliff . I was caught by a flying bird - like creature . By " bird - like " I don 't mean a giant eagle or that sort of thing . It proabbly doesn 't even have wings . It 's a chick - shaped marshmallow - like blob that levitates around and kind of looks like a chick - shaped chicken nugget . I opened my iPad and tried to go on a site for the bird taxi because apparently the nugget - chick has Wi - Fi , but I was not able to find the site and so I talked to the bird instead . I told it to land down on a place I knew in the city and follow me on foot for a bit and then I 'll pay my fare . Apparently , I did this to surprise some old friends , but when I landed on the street , the coffee shop my friends frequented was closed and nobody was there , which I found eerie . I then decided to go to a noodle shop owned by a kindly old lady I know , but while it is open , I don 't see her around . I asked the person running the shop where she went , but I woke up before I got an answer . DILD : I am in this yard like it was in the past , much wider , etc . Know I am dreaming and think of music . It think there was happiness , confidence and possibly thoughts about something before this part . I start to sing or expect to hear a song . My subcon picks up a dream remix of " heal the world " by M . Jackson . I concentrate on making it sound like sung by a choir and hear the music loudly coming from everywhere and into me . Notice a few instruments too , really nice . I keep singing with the music but at some point I don 't know the lyrics so that makes it hard for the music to continue . In addition , the more I become one with the music coming all around me , the more I lose sight of the yard and the dream and become blind . The dream soon fades . Bf is going somewhere but before I can say anything else , he vanishes . There 's a stick that I decide to leave outside , should I need it for defense ? I also notice a strange gurgling sound coming from a pipe , find it interesting . I go back to the same room , there were lots of bed there before but now it 's a single connected bed the size of four beds is covering most of the room . I remember I wanted to play with my ipad , so I try to summon it by drawing its shape with my fingers . It 's funny because I do this instinctively rather than consciously . While there 's a rectangular shape in progress , it isn 't working to produce an ipad and on the bed just below my hands is my ipad so I grab it and try to stretch the frame . It happens , just as if I was dragging the image of a frame on a PC . I expand the screen to a TV size , then have to apply a bit more stretching as it does not stay in the desired shape for long . It gets small again . I think about trying to control the image . Then something happens outside and now there are two scary zombi - like DCs and they are about to enter the place . I try to close the door although know they will get in anyways . I decide to face them and affect them . Actually , I feel quite confident and no matter how ugly they are ( especially one with something coming out of his mouth ) , I just feel positivity and so spread it to them . They become quite happy and we just hang in there like drunk buddies . I stare in the eyes of one of them , he feels like a phantom rather than real person and is not looking at me with any purpose / driving force . The dream soon fades . I was at my house and a lot of relatives were there . I remember looking for water , but I couldn 't find much in our fridges . I found all of these milks and oils and juices , but I just wanted water . I found a cup of water with ice that wasn 't cold yet , and I debated if that was already someone 's and if I should take it . I ended out deciding to make my own glass and put it in the fridge , but I don 't remember actually getting to it . We were outside , I remember the truck was in the driveway , and I think my brother and I went in it . I was driving with Matt , my brother , to Wal Mart and it was about 11 : 30 at night , we were going to buy something . He was talking about how our guest bedroom was designed for blocking sound out or about how it was perfect for sleeping with a baby or something . As we were driving , the roads were all destroyed . It looked like was an earthquake and explosions , but there were a few bridges that went over these giant holes created in the road ( I remember this very vividly and wondering what was going on ) . On the way , I either fell asleep in my dream , or the dream scene changed , but someone told me a celebrity was trying to lucid dream , then I saw this celebrity , and I knew I was dreaming . I don 't remember doing a reality check , but I knew . I was outside this club or big building but I went inside wondering what I wanted to do . I remembered to stabilize the dream so I looked at my hands and rubbed them together . It seemed to work . I was walking around and looking at all the people thinking about how they looked so real . I saw my grandparents ( one of which is dead ) and others I knew . Music was playing ( I think I remember a Pitbull song ) and people were dancing . I remember thinking how it was funny I wasn 't tired in my dream , but if I woke up , I would be tired . I wanted to see the detail of things so I found these tables to looked real close and the detail was incredible . I also blinked and the design changed ! It was incredible ! So I started blinking rapidly , but remembered that was not a good idea Tags : LD : I suddenly find myself in our living room and it is dark . My initial thought is that this is quite a bad location for any TOTY tasks . I take some time to fit in instead of rushing like crazy . There are creepy noises coming from somewhere and I don 't feel very comfortable with that , so decide to stay where I am . My hands find the tablet and I use it to light around . I think I am also seeing the HI lights swirling around the room at some point . I open the browser and decide to type dreamviews , but as soon as I type " dre " the keyboard changes and I give up . Then think that it will be really cool to play some music . I tap a couple of buttons like the music app and a song starts playing , there 's also something on the screen like album picture . I expected to hear some cool dream techno but it 's a nice rock song . The only problem is the sound is not loud enough for my preferences . I want the sound to blast all around me or at least to be a bit louder . My tech instinct is to increase the volume on the tablet and I keep on pressing the button but no result . I decide to check out how the other rooms look , carrying the tablet to light the way . There are 4 plastic and paper shopping bags in front of the entrance door . I also take a peek in the bedroom and see bf asleep . I concentrate and see a sleeping body where I should be . This feels a bit creepy and I quickly walk away , trying not to wake myself up ( also flashing with the tablet in my own face ) . I go back to the living room , now contemplating an exit . The most efficient way seems the window . I face the it , wondering whether to directly phase though it or try to open it , being a bit concerned that phasing might make me end up in the void , like a few days ago . I do a mix of both , half phase , half open the window which is somewhat stuck . The outside world is someplace unknown to me , but I don 't pay attention to that . I end up on a balcony and try to figure out how to get down from here . There are kids playing on the street , and if I correctly remember the trees ' leave are already yellow ? I shout something at the kids about them helping me out , more to feel confident that asking for help , then I do the swing forward and end up on the street . Not sure if I used a tree branch or just the habitual move . Before I go anywhere , I take a last look at our place . The window is now open , and we are dangerously close to the ground , making it possible for someone to climb back there . I briefly wonder if it is possible that the dream body actually has opened a real window , then dismiss the idea . There are three kids running around , one wears a strange purple clay - like mask on his face . I tell him to behave , there was something that he did . Then , I think I asked them where the wall of China is , but no reply . The kids were pretty independent and lively DCs though . I decide to walk around and look for the wall of China . Everything is extremely vivid and stable . It is midday , feels like early fall too . There 's so much detail . I see a street name on one of the nearby buildings and try to read it but then change my mind . This time , I decide that I will allow the dream to gently lead me to any desired TOTY objects , rather than me forcing things to appear . As I am scanning the surroundings for something appropriate to use , I notice this church on one of the streets . It 's made of pink sandstone , very beautiful . The whole building is absolutely perfect and so elaborate that I just can 't believe my mind can create so much and correct detail . Still checking out what 's around me , I make sure to also look for any tall buildings that can fit another TOTY . Nothing too tall though . I turn right and explore the other street , looking for the wall of china or any elements that might help get there . There are rail tracks in front of what I think is near our place and also a pretty large and quite beautiful train station , its facade is made of bricks with the same pinkish color . I decide to go back , looking for greenery in the other direction . Instead of greenery or the street where I came from , I now find myself facing rail tracks again and a number of heavy trains are passing by . As I wait for them to go away and evaluate the terrain and how hard it will be to cross all these rails , I think it might be a good idea to rub my hands and remind myself that this is a dream . I am casually walking around , rubbing my hands , but the dream already seems out of fuel and I gradually wake up . I was at this place that was kind of like an amusement park and arcade combined . Pretty sure it had a dinosaur theme . I walked outside ofthe area I was in and saw this iPad filled crane game . It was 50 dollars to play , but I did it anyway . I won one on my first try . I am in my Fire Valkyrie flying to the moon . I land on the moon and wander around a bit before opening a portal , directing the portal to take me to somewhere I need to be . The portal opens and I step through right into a world that looks like something out of Assassin 's Creed . I am not sure what city I am in . I look around to try to identify it . What I do see is some guards dragging some people off of the street . I wonder what is going on . One of the people is saying he didn 't do anything . One of the guards says with his attitude he doesn 't have to actually do anything to get arrested . He laughs . He says he 'll be laughing right up until the execution . In total I see ten guards and five prisoners . One of the prisoners looks right at me and then whispers something to one of the others at the cost of getting punched in the gut . A guard insists no talking . More whispers are passed amongst the prisoners until a guard tells them to shut the fuck up or he 'll kill them all right now . Another guard says he wants to at least injure a couple of them . A third guard said there 's no reason all of them have to make it back alive . One of the prisoners looks over at me , clearly expecting me to do something , then tells the guards something in a foreign language that is clearly an insult . They are all distracted , some of them laughing , some of them pulling weapons . No one is looking anywhere near me . I have two hidden blades … and take out two of the guards before any of the others even realize someone else is there . Then there is confusion … and another guard taken out , though I am unable to target two of them this time . So in an instant ten has become seven . Now that they have seen me they are demanding my surrender , though it doesn 't look like they 're prepared to accept surrender . The prisoners are going after weapons on the fallen guards , three of them claim weapons while I am fighting with my Witchblade sword . A guard attacks and I use a counter attack to take him out , and now the three newly armed prisoners are fighting . Six against four … and one of them claims the sword of the guard I just killed … so now it 's six against five . The fight is soon over , though two of the prisoners have been injured so I heal them . I ask what they were being arrested for , though it is a bit too late to find that out , and one of them says they were being arrested for protesting a new law , it 's not allowed . He says before long it will be illegal to breathe too deeply . He says lots of people are being arrested for pointless offenses , and no one is sure what is happening to them . He says there are many others being arrested , and they are going to find out what is going on . Will I help them ? I say I will if I can , but don 't worry if I disappear for a short time … I 'll be back . At least I am hoping I won 't end up being a liar … One of the prisoners asks what important business I have and if they can help in return , but I never get a chance to answer before I wake up . I am searching for the glyphs left by Subject 16 and I am using my iPad to decipher the codes hidden within them . The fact I can climb on the walls and do most of the moves done in Assassin 's Creed doesn 't seem strange to me . Some guy starts putting the moves on me . He also takes my iPad and tosses it in a ditch , saying women shouldn 't be reading . I am about to punch him in the face when I see he is offering me an invitation to some coveted event . I think there might be a glyph inside the area of the event , so being able to get in to the event would be helpful . He gives me the invitation and then asks , as if he already knows , who will be accompanying me . I tell him he can go fuck himself , knock him senseless with a kick to the balls then a punch in the face , and leave him sitting in the ditch where he tossed my iPad . I am looking at a building for a glyph when someone pokes something sharp at my back . I hear someone tell me if I cooperate I won 't be hurt . I turn to see what is going on , and there is an Assassin pointing a hidden blade at me . I find it annoying . He says he needs to get into the event that I now have an invitation to . I tell him to stop poking me with that thing … I 'll help him willingly or not at all . He seems surprised at my response and removes the blade from my back . I look at him closer now , I don 't recognize him specifically but I am sure he is an Assassin . So he must have a good reason for wanting to get into the event . His threat was clearly a bluff … he has no interest in harming what he thinks is an average civilian . He turns to walk away and I tell him I have decided to help him willingly . My invitation lets me bring a guest . So we go to the event together . There is some kind of an art display going on , the guards at the entrance let us in . Once we 're inside I tell him I have my own reasons for wanting to be here … so he can go about his . I look around the walls and spot the glyph I was looking for . I scan it with my iPad , sure that chaos will ensue soon since I snuck an Assassin in . And chaos does ensue . The Assassin has apparently taken out his target . Then I hear someone accusing me of being in league with him because we came together , I tell that person he is nuts , how was I supposed to know ? He was cute and wanted to come with me , so I brought him . No one seems to believe me , and I am too surrounded to get out . Someone is yelling that if the Assassin doesn 't surrender they will kill his partner . I activate the time travel app on my iPad and leave the scene before the Assassin can respond . It transports me back to my own time … and my own bed . I can 't really put all the pieces together . I tried to WILD last night . A whole slew of lucid dreaming things happened including a lucid that I barely remember , a false awakening , and two additional non lucid dreams . Let me start with the least interesting and work my way up . Then my mother said that she was going to carve a death note into an Ipad . She asked me if she could use my Ipad instead of hers . Then she got an exacto knife and started carving a message into the screen about why we had decided to die / commit suicide . I was just standing in the drive in front of our house , and started talking to myself about the decision to commit suicide . The my mother got out of her coffin and decided that she didn 't want to do it either . Then I told her that I needed to get a new Ipad since she scratched a death note into the screen . Another video game dream . Halo reach this time . It has been strange to me that video game dreams have stepped up their game and gotten alot more interesting and vivid recently . ( Also strange because I haven 't played Halo reach in almost a year now . ) I was literally a spartan . Not like controlling it or anything , like you normally would in a game , but my body was actually a spartan . But the game was still playing out normally . We were on this strange map that was sort of like a junkyard , with a dingy orange lighting to it . The game started and I started looking for a way to help a the team . I saw a scorpion tank that nobody seemed to be using . I got in and looked back the direction that I had spawned . A wraith pulled between me and the direction that I had spawned . I fired and killed it . Then a bunch of enemy players started swarming around my tank with energy swords . They were jumping around , trying to avoid getting shot . I realized that they were going to board my tank , so I bailed out . When I got out , I took out my own energy sword and got into the fight . ( The use of swords ( though energy swords ) still coincides with swords being a dream sign for me . ) Unlike real halo , it took two hits to kill someone with the sword , one to break their shields , and one to finish the job . I can also remember the electric effect of the sheild being very vivid and realistic . When fighting the first enemy , I broke his shields and killed him with two swift slashes . The second guy hit me from behind , breaking my shields . Our blades crossed and we pushed against one another . Then I killed him . The final enemy , who was like the leader got in . I hit him and broke his shield , but my sword ran out of charge after the first hit . I tried to melee him again , with the sword hilt . He stabbed me in the chest , and the dream painlessly faded away . I was running down this highway , though a city very fast . I was lucid , but my recall was worse than my lucidity , so I couldn 't remember how I got lucid . Though I was lucid . I can remember thinking about how cool this was , my sixth lucid dream . I started to feel like my back was cold and wet . I false - awoke into my room and the window was open and all of this rain and wind was coming and and there was a violent thunderstorm happening outside . Annoyed , I closed the window and went back to " sleep " I 'm not sure what to make of all these dreams . There was a lot of waking up involved last night , and I probably don 't have them in the right order . I was on an extremely consistent sleep schedule the last few nights , going to bed just around 9 : 15 . But last night , I didn 't make it to bed until 10 : 00 . I was at a party in Czech . Quite a few faces that I recognised . It was night and it was some kemp . People were smoking weed and drinking . I had some myself . Then I found myself paragliding . . . people were watching and the wind was really strong . It was pretty awesome . Then I landed and had some more weed and food . There was food everywhere . We were all quite drunk , when suddenly a little gang came and was going to take their electronics , especially iPads . I had my phone and MacBook there too . I started shouting at those people and was going to fight with them . But my hands were really week and I couldn 't punch them hard . My friends were the same , and they show me how weak their wrists were . I think they used some has on us . They took some iPads . Then another group of 3 teenagers came , and I still had my computer and Lucas Zurcin 's iPad that I was hiding behind me . I was ready to fight but still felt weak . Then I recognised one of them . It was young Danicek . I was yelling at him that if they take something I will come and kill him . They got scared and ran away . Lukas was pretty happy . I was in a living room with a couple people I knew . One of them may have been my mother . I sat on the couch , which was positioned , it seems , in the middle of the living room , so that I was looking , to my left , into a hallway . Somebody just next to me , on my left . This person may have been my mother . Another woman walked up to us and sat on a wooden chair that was just beside the couch . The woman was really tall and skinny , with pale skin and dark red hair . I was really attracted to her . This whole time , the woman may have been looking at me . The woman may have thought , in the past , that I liked her . She may have liked me as well . But I had been so ambiguous with her that she had finally given up on me . But it seeemed like even now , talking about this guy , she thought there was hope for her and me . But the woman was still talking about the guy . She said the guy had brought her a cake the other day . The woman said the cake was a special kind of cake , something like a wedding cake . But it had blue frosting instead of white . The only white was the trim . I saw the cake in my mind 's eye . It was actually pretty beautiful . I walked into a movie theatre . The theatre was kind of small and a little bit worn - out looking . But it had stadium seating and big , cushiony chairs . The movie was just about to start . But everybody was just filing in . Everybody here was really old and a little bit eccentric or crazy . Everybody also seemed to know each other . They were all talking with each other easily , asking about their lives . I went to a seat a couple rows back from the front , toward the right wall of the theatre . As I was getting ready to sit down , a very pretty , professional - looking woman sat in the row behind me . Some of the people seemed to know her , though not so well , and they greeted her . The woman seemed to be attracted to me . I was attracted to her . But I was too shy to try to flirt with her . But we may have spoken a bit , maybe about the film 's director , about whom the woman didn 't know very much . The movie , or the previews , may now have been beginning . I was getting ready to sit down in the chair . But I suddenly realized that the seats in front of me had such tall backs that once I sat in my own chair , the back of the seat in front of me would be blocking half my view of the screen ! I realized this was because the ramping upward of the stadium seating didn 't begin until one or two rows behind where I was right now . So I figured I 'd move back a couple of rows . But I didn 't want to move back behind the woman . This might make her feel like I was trying to avoid her . I definitely wasn 't . The woman , who may now have been sitting with her husband : a man about fifty or sixty years old - - and who herself may now have been about fifty or sixty years old - - asked me if my seat was alright . I didn 't want to look like I was picky about my seats . So I said my seat was alright . To get a full view of the screen I just sat on the arm of the seat , instead of sitting in the actual seat . The arm of the seat had had its cushioning torn off , and it was just a ridged , black rectangle of metal , about the size of a brick . The movie began . It may have been from the 1970s . The opening scene may have been very colorful , with titles in lavender lettering flashing on the screen . There was also a narrator who spoke either in French ( while English subtitles ran across the bottom of the screen ) or in English with a French accent . It was the time of the U . S . Civil War . A man from the Southern states had decided that the cause of the South was unjust . He decided he was going to stand against the South 's decision to enter into war . The man was white , tall , pale - skinned , bald on most of his head , but with unruly , long , red - brown hair along the sides and back of his head , and a long , kind of thin , red - brown beard . He wore a military uniform , it seemed to me , of a very dark blue color ( which would be funny , if he was in the South * and * against the war ) . The man 's community decided to turn against him . I could hear a group of older men , probably about the man 's age and older , conspiring against the man . As I heard the men speak , my view became a bird 's eye view of a modern - day warehouse , or a really big garage for semi - trucks . It was a sunny day . The big garage was beige - walled and brown - roofed , and seemed to be made all out of sheet metal . The conspiring men were saying something like , " There 's two kinds of people in the South : the yas ' sahs , and the no ' sahs . " ( Which meant " yes sirs , " and " no sirs . " ) " The yas ' sahs are on our side . The no ' sahs are against us . And this man is a no ' sah . If he isn 't a no ' sah , he 's a friend of the no ' sahs . And it 's time we taught him a lesson . " The doors of the big garage opened , and three vehicles drove out of it . These vehicles seemed to have the rectangular shape of semi - trucks , but the size of garbage trucks . But they were all a dull , silvery grey , featureless , and smooth - looking , as if they were all built in one piece , except along the edges , which seemed to be barred with chrome tubing . Each person had something different done to him . I can 't remember what the first bad thing done was . But it involved the vehicle removing a part of its body , like it was just an outer shell , and causing that thing to transform into some means of destruction . After that , either one or all three of the trucks went to a parking lot that held a few trailer - less semi - trucks . One of the vehicles now took off its " shell " and transformed it . It transformed into something that looked like a second front for one of the semi - trucks . The shell was a pale silver - grey , and it didn 't fit onto the semi - truck very well . It kind of sat diagonally . But this was intentional . The shell was supposed to block the truck driver 's view so he would get into a wreck . The truck driver now appeared . I don 't know whether he was aware of the shell . But he drove the truck anyway . He backed his truck out of the parking space . Immediately he noticed troubles with his field of view , and also possibly with the actual ability of the truck to drive . But the truck driver , clunking and chugging forward , barely seeing anything , decided he 'd do the best he could . He drove out onto a street that was so packed with cars it was almost at a standstill . Tall buildings crowded over both sides of the street . The truck driver was in a tight space , and he could barely see . But he knew these streets well , and he decided he 'd just drive by instinct . If he trusted his instincts , based on his memory of the streets , he could get through anything . And he was doing well . He turned right around of corner and disappeared out of my field of view . I caught a glimpse of a sign over a shop on the corner of the street . The sign was made out of some kind of turquoise - painted , ridged steel . There were big , white letters on the sign . It gave the name of some bank , I think , Mc - - - - - . I recognized the bank and the sign as being key landmarks for anybody familiar with this town . I now knew that I was watching a movie . I thought to myself that the film makers had done a good job of giving an idea of what city this truck driver was in . They didn 't put too much detail into it : just enough to give people a sense of the place , by using broad , general landmarks . The movie scene changed , showing the effect of the attacking trucks on another person . The scene showed a female news reporter , speaking to the camera , giving a special report from one of the city 's streets . The view was from the news camera 's point of view . But the camera view was really low , like the cameraman was in the street and crouched down really far . The news woman kept walking , sidestepping , along the sidewalk , while addressing the camera . I knew that the trucks had attacked another man by making him crazy . He was a kind of tall , skinny white guy with frizzy brown hair and a kind of balding forehead . But he had now gone crazy , and he was running through a park ( Central Park ? ) naked , possibly giving his money away . The news woman was reporting on the man . But , like everybody else , she didn 't know anything about why this man had gone crazy . She was just reporting that this man was dangerous . Apparently there was a risk that this man would attack people and take their money . And now the news woman was interviewing a woman who had been attacked by the man . The woman had apparently agreed to the interview . But now she was just walking as she was talking . She was walking faster than the news woman , like she just wanted to get away from her . The woman was white , with blonde - brown hair , fair skin , and blue - green eyes . She wore a grey sweater , and she had a green sweater wrapped around her shoulders . She also wore tight blue jeans . The news woman asked the woman how the crazy man 's attack had affected her . The woman replied that the man had taken everything she 'd had on her . The news woman asked what this meant for the woman . The woman could only reply , " I 'm done . I 'm done . " The woman had now gotten far enough away from the news woman that the news woman stopped following her . The news woman had , apparently , stopped walking . But the camera was no longer focused on her . Instead , it was focused on the window of a Sony store . The window was black , except for a big flat - screen TV that was showing colorful imagery . The news woman explained that what the woman meant by , " I 'm done , I 'm done , " was that she was completely broke . She had no money left , and she had been unemployed for a long time . She couldn 't survive in the city anymore . She 'd probably have to go back home . An older man and his middle - aged son were sitting , apparently , in an airplane . But this airplane was more like a private airplane than a commercial one . The two men sat on a bench - like seat against the wall of the plane . Their backs were to a long but short window . The father addressed a camera ( my view ) . The father said , " You know , I like the iPad . And it gives me . . . about . . . ten percent of my news for the day . But for the rest of my news , I still trust the newspaper more . Why , look at this ! " In the meantime , the son , who kept trying to get the father 's attention , was scrolling really quickly through all the news , apparently on the New York Times app for the iPad . The father was now trying to illustrate how easy it was to find something like stuff to buy from a store , or movie times , or stuff to buy out of classified ads . But he was getting really frustrated , because he couldn 't actually find anything . The father stopped talking and looked at the iPad . The camera view closed in on the iPad . The son seemed to be looking at a list of books . He tapped on what he wanted . But the son wanted three of this item . So he had to click on a special word , in a three - or four - line - long list of words . As he did this , he said , " Now , let 's see here . What 's that process called again ? Ah . . . filchering . " The son clicked on " filchering " and bought three items of the product his father wanted . The father was amazed ! That was so fast ! The father said , " Why , with that machine , you can buy things so much faster than you can buy things with a newspaper ! " I am seeing my wife inside a dream , somehow I am communicating with her and teaching her how to control the dream . She needs to into the gates of heaven but the gates are locked . Standing next to the gates is a creepy looking character , not sure if he is an alien or monster - he has a ridiculously large grin and sort of floppy antennae instead of ears . He is wrinkled and a sort of grey color , not sure what he is doing there though ! My wife clicks her fingers once , and then a couple more times - on the third click she successfully gets the gates open ! I was in my room with my cousin . I was chewing gum , and it got on my iPad , which was in it 's case , thankfully . I wasn 't really worried about it breaking . I went to the bathroom to get it off , then returned to my room . , 10 - 20 - 2011 at 10 : 12 PM Our family now has two iPads . A black iPad first gen and a white iPad 2 . I 'm watching a movie in my room on a couch on the wall opposite my bed ( this couch does not exist IRL ) and am under a blanket . I am watching the movie on the black iPad and eating chocolate glazed donuts at the same time . Every time I pull a donut from under the covers the chocolate scrapes off on the blanket and the screen of the iPad . I 'm looking out the window too , it 's nighttime . My brother might be with me . I also remember seeing the white iPad on my kitchen table . I was in a dark bedroom with my mom and my sister . The room seemed to have cinder block walls and concrete floors . The only light in the room seemed to be a blue glow from somewhere along the walls . The room was really big , almost empty , with a big bed off on the right wall . I held something like an iPad in my hands . It was playing some sort of news show . Below the news show there was a little yellow strip that ran horizontally across the screen . In this strip would be shown little squares that were like stills frome video news stories . I looked down to see the updated videos . At first there were strings of black text . As well as the wanted man , there had been a missing man . One string of text said , " MISSING MAN FOUND DEAD . " Another string of text said , " WANTED MAN FOUND KILLING MISSING MAN . " The still I had pressed played a video history of the two men , up to the most updated news reports . The shots showed various photos of the men in some living room . There was often also a woman in the room . The woman was one of the men 's wife . I 'm not sure which man . The men 's appearances changed throughout the photos . Sometimes the men looked young , almost 1970s - like . They had huge hair and wore dark sweaters and jeans . At other times , they looked like kind of clean - cut college guys . Either both men or just the cult leader became militantly angry . There were possibly even groups sent out with weapons . Finally the cult leader had caught up with the other guy and killed him . |
And it did . It took a week or so and the first week back was not good . I felt so ashamed of my behaviour in London . So much so that I even wore clothes in our apartment . Ryan slowly pulled me round and it wasn 't that long before I was bouncing round our apartment totally naked . A couple of weeks later we looked for a place to get my nipples and clit hood pierced . We managed to find one that looked clean and hygienic and was a member of the British Body Piercing Association . We made an appointment for the next Saturday afternoon . I was hoping that it would be a woman , but it wasn 't . It was a big man with tattoos all over . He was quite nice actually , and very professional . I suspected that my nipples would be painful so I took a soft cotton top . The man talked to me before hand and explained what he was going to do . After asking if I still wanted to go through with it he told me to undress and lay on the couch . I was nervous and embarrassed as hell when I was naked and getting onto the couch . Ryan was stood beside me holding my hand . The man then told me that he 'd have to inspect my nipples and clitoris to make sure that I was suitable for piercing . As he closely looked at my nipples and clit , and pulled them in all directions , I have to admit that was getting turned on . When he pulled my clit hood all over the place I could feel that I was quite wet . Satisfied with what he saw , he again asked me to confirm that I wanted to go ahead . He then got some cotton wool and rubbed my nipples and all around my clit with some alcohol , then local anaesthetic . By the time he was ready to do it I couldn 't feel a thing . He told me that I might like to close my eyes . I did . Within a couple of minutes he told me that I could open my eyes . He was just fitting the little barbells in my nipples . I was just about to say something when he said , " I know . The barbells with stirrups are in a little bag over there . I strongly suggest that you just wear just these little barbells until there is no pain then swap them over . " Without waiting for me to answer he moved straight to my pussy and pierced my clit hood . My eyes were open by then and I cringed as I heard the machine go through my flesh . It didn 't hurt . One thing that we did start doing every Sunday was going to the big leisure centre in town . Thankfully , and much to Ryan 's disappointment , swimming costumes are compulsory everywhere . When Ryan first suggested it I told him that I 'd need to get a proper swimming costume , preferably an old fashioned one piece . Ryan laughed and said that there was no way that he 'd let me wear one of those . His girlfriend would wear a fashionable bikini . By fashionable he meant one like the yellow one that he 'd got me for Christmas - with the bottoms that his parents and brother had seen . I was nervous as hell when we first went , I was sure that my bikini would be classed as ' inappropriate ' and that I 'd get thrown out . The changing rooms were cubicles in one big room , ladies at one end , family in the middle and gents at the other end . We went in a family cubicle . Once we 'd got changed we walked out to the swimming area . There were hundreds of people there . We looked round and saw quite a few girls in bikinis that were just as skimpy as mine so I relaxed a bit . We got in the water and joined in the fun on all the rides and waves . I kept checking the top with my hands to see that my nipples were still covered and only occasionally had to make adjustments . After a while Ryan wanted a drink so we went to our locker , got some money and went to the little café . Sitting at a table I leaned back in the chair and realised that Ryan was looking at my pussy . I looked down and remembered how see - through the thin material was and how much it moulded to the shape of my vulva and clitoris . I quickly clamped my legs together . I told Ryan that I 'd forgotten about that and that we 'd have to leave . Ryan asked me how many people I 'd seen staring at me and how many complaints I 'd had . I had do confess that the answer to both questions was none . The following Sunday we went again . I only had the little barbells in . I could see the shape of them through the bikini material but only just . Ryan said that if you didn 't know they were there then you wouldn 't know . The week after it was different , the barbells and stirrups were clearly visible ; well the shape was . The clit hood one was the worst . It stuck out like I had a dildo sticking out of me . The bikini top wasn 't that bad although once when I 'd gone down one of the big slide and straightened my bottoms at the bottom , I hadn 't realised that one nipple had escaped and the bikini hadn 't slipped back into place because it was caught under the Stirrup . Ryan solved that problem for me by getting a new bikini bottom for me from the same place that the bikini came from . I was wondering what could possibly cover something like that . The only thing that I could think of was a panty liner but there was no way that I was going to wear one of those . Ryan 's solution arrived the day before we were due to go swimming again . It was a swimming skirt . My first reaction was ' No Way ' , but Ryan persuaded me to try it . It 's only 10 inches long but it sits low on my hips and flares out . When I tried it at home it felt very much like my tennis skirt . Ryan persuaded me to try it at the leisure centre the next day . We left the bikini bottoms at home . I felt quite decent walking out to the pool . When we jumped in and swam around it felt good to have the water rushing passed my bare pussy . When it came to get out of the water for the first time the skirt fell into place quickly and didn 't cling to my skin . I felt good . What I hadn 't thought about was the slides . As soon as I started going down the first one the skirt flew up leaving all my pussy exposed . The water pounding my bare pussy felt good as well . The slide that I was on wasn 't a really scary one so I could hold it down with my hands . When I told Ryan at the bottom he just told me to hold it down . Sometimes I 've come off the bottom of a slide with my swimming skirt up round my waist , and had to put it straight before I 've got out of the water . I don 't think that anyone 's noticed . Whenever we went to the café for a drink I had to be careful whenever I sat down . Unlike the other girls who just flopped down leaving their legs open , I had to remember to cross mine or keep my hand strategically placed . Sometimes I forgot and gave someone a look at my jewellery . Whenever I saw someone looking and I realised I would get all embarrassed . At the end of that first Sunday in my swimming skirt I decided that I preferred the skirt to the bikini bottoms . I was less embarrassed . I 've worn that skirt every time that I 've gone swimming in England since . Ryan liked to fuck me in the changing cubicles there . He said that it gave him a kick knowing that strangers were just the other side of a thin wall and that I had to stifle my moans . He kept telling me to ' let it all out ' but he knew that I 'd try to be quiet . One evening when I was about to get us some food ready , Ryan suggested that we get a pizza delivered and that I stayed naked to take the delivery . He dared me to do it . I wasn 't that happy , but I like dares and agreed . Another delivery that Ryan set - up without telling me was our new bed ; we 'd visited a couple of bed shops and Ryan had got me to try them , like we had in Ikea , ( much to my embarrassment ) , and Ryan had arranged the delivery for early one evening . Ryan assured me that he 'd be back from work before it arrived . Round about the time that Ryan normally gets home I heard a knock on the door . Assuming that Ryan had forgotten his key - again , I flung the door open intending to surprise him with my naked body . Imagine my surprise when it wasn 't Ryan but the delivery men who were early . Ryan stepped in , got hold of my hand and invited the men in . Pulling me to the side , Ryan put his arm round me and held me there while these men carried the bed in - getting a good look at me as they did . Because Ryan had his arm round my shoulder so at least I could cover my bits with my hands . After the men had gone Ryan gave me a big kiss and put a finger in my pussy . When he removed it he held it to my face and told me that I must have enjoyed the experience . Then he put my finger in my mouth for me to suck . One day Ryan brought a TENS machine home from work . One of his colleagues lent it to him . I have no idea what reason Ryan gave the man for wanting it because he must have known that I wasn 't pregnant . When Ryan showed it to me I hadn 't a clue why Ryan would borrow such thing . Later that evening I found out . Ryan got the machine and the box of band aids and taped the little pads to my nipples . I was scared at first as I knew that a TENS machine gives you electric shocks . I told him that I was expecting a shock something like a cattle prod . Ryan reminded me that there was no way that you could buy a machine that would give pregnant women a serious electric shock . I was also scared that my nipple jewellery might have some adverse effect on me . I did get a couple of short - term jobs through the agency . One was in an accountancy firm 's office . It was for an admin assistant for 2 weeks . When I was talking to Ryan about what to wear I told him that I thought that maybe I should buy some knickers to wear . Ryan asked me if I was worried that someone may see up my skirt and see my bare pussy . When I told him that I was he went and got his solution to my problem . It was a band aid . He pulled the backing off one and stuck it over my slit ; it completely covered it . I ended up having to be very careful to make sure that no one saw up my miniskirts . I also had to wear a tube top under my lose blouses so that the shape of the barbells and stirrups wasn 't visible . One day Ryan told me to take them out and not wear the tube top . I think that he wanted people to look down the top of my lose blouse and see my nipples . I don 't think that anyone did see my nipples . The agency got me another temporary office job . It was a really boring job and I was glad that it only lasted a couple of weeks . One of the bad things about it was that the desk that I had to use didn 't have a modesty board and a couple of men that worked there could see my legs all the time . I tried to remember to cross my legs all the time but I 'm sure that I must have accidentally let them look up my skirt a few times . When I went home that first night Ryan offered me the band aids again . Just after that Easter Ryan got a phone call from Dan , the Art School teacher . He 'd been let down by a model and wondered if I would be prepared to stand - in at the last moment . Without even asking me he said that I would and then got all the details . The job was a full day on the next Sunday . The theme was ' erotic bondage ' . When Ryan told me that part I had horrible visions of me being put on a rack and stretched in 4 different directions . Ryan laughed and told me that I wouldn 't get hurt . We ( yes , Ryan was coming along too ) had to meet Dan at the college at 8 o ' clock on the Sunday morning providing that the weather was dry . I didn 't understand that last bit . We got to the woods and unloaded the minibus . As well as the artists easels there were a few large bags that seemed to be quite heavy . We all walked about half a mile along a path between a fence and the woods until we got to a bit of a clearing that Dan said would be just fine for what he had in mind . The artists got their equipment ready then asked me to go with them . We got to a gap between 2 large trees where they put the bags down , opened them and pulled lots of ropes out of them . While 4 of them tied ropes to the trees , 2 others told me that it was time to get started and for me to take my clothes off . I looked at Ryan and he nodded . He was happy for me to get naked in front of those people . Well , it was Ryan that had signed me up for . When I was naked the 2 people who were with me proceeded to put some padded ankle and wrist cuffs on me . I was expecting them to hurt but they didn 't . The cuffs were then tied to the other ends of the ropes and I was slowly pulled up in the air . The ropes attached to my wrists were over higher branches so I ended up spread eagled ; in the air , hanging by my wrists . It was then that Dan came over to inspect their work and to give his approval . While he was checking me out Dan saw my 3 barbells and stirrups . He was well pleased with them and told everyone one to make sure that they drew my jewellery as well . Just then Ryan , who had been standing quite close , got a handful of chain out of his pocket . He un - ravelled it and said to Dan , I was left hanging there for an hour . Fortunately Ryan kept coming over to me for a chat . A couple of the times he stood between me and the artists and finger fucked me for a few seconds . The second pose was not so tiring for me . I was tied to a tree with my back to it . My hands were tied together behind the tree . My ankles were also tied behind the tree as far as my feet would go . At least my feet were on the ground . A rope was tied round my waist to help keep me in place . About half way through that pose 4 young men walked along the path . As you would expect they stopped to watch the naked girl that was tied to a tree . I think that they must have changed their planned hike route because they walked passed us every 20 minutes or so for the rest of the day . I was glad that they didn 't decide to come over for a closer look . The next pose was difficult for me . I was hauled up in the air by my ankles . I was left hanging upside down with spread legs and a ball gag in my mouth . My wrists were tied behind my back . I could feel my clit being pulled forward by the clamp and my hair was hanging down . It wasn 't long before I could feel the extra blood in my head and the lack of it in my legs . They hurt like hell . I was really glad when I was lowered down . I was quite surprised when I was lowered down and untied . Neither Ryan nor I had thought about any lunch and it really nice to be invited to join the little picnic that came out of one of the big bags . We had a really nice chat about how things were going and how they were grateful to me for being their model . He took me over to the fence and told me to sit slightly forward , with my back against one of the uprights . He then told me to hold my arms out along the fence bars . Two people then tied ropes to my wrist cuffs and then the other ends of the ropes to fence uprights further along the fence . It was like being tied on a cross , but sitting down . Ropes were tied to my ankle cuffs and my legs were pulled apart and up to where my wrists were . Then my wrists and ankles were tied to the fence cross member . I was left with only the bottom of my back touching the ground and my pussy pointing up to the sky ; with my butt and pussy spread wide . Dan came over to me and asked me if I was okay , when I said that I was he told me that he was looking for the ' tortured look ' . I panicked a little , but got excited as well . I wanted to know more . " Two things , Dan said , " firstly I want some red marks on your butt so that you look like you 've been whipped . Secondly I want you to look like your pussy has been abused ; by that I mean well fucked by a machine . Since we haven 't got any fucking machines out here , a dildo will have to do . " No , I can 't hurt Tanya , I can 't cane her . The dildo , yes , that part 's easy , but not the cane . " Ryan said . " Beautiful ! " Dan said , " The class should be able to capture that quite well . Now the dildo ; seen as you are here Ryan would you be so kind as to insert it into Tanya 's vagina . I 'd like to have about half of it left visible please . " Ryan got the dildo from Dan and knelt in front of me . He kissed me and asked me if I was okay . When I told him that I was he kissed me again then put his hand to my pussy . Ryan grinned and teased my clit with his index finger and thumb for a few seconds before easing the dildo into my pussy . Just to tease me a bit more he fucked me with it for a few seconds before standing up and backing away . I looked at the dildo sticking out of me . Six inches of it were pointing straight up to the sky . The easy part of that pose was soon forgotten and I was aching after about 5 minutes . The other problem was that the dildo kept starting to slide out of me . Three times Ryan had to come over and push it back in . Each time he told me that he 'd got some great photos of me . If it wasn 't bad enough being in such a humiliating position with those artists staring at me all the time ; it got worse when the 4 young men walked by again . They were no more than a couple of feet from me . It was horrible . A youngish couple also walked along the path as well . Ryan told me that when he first noticed them they stopped and stared for a good 5 minutes before walking passed me . I was glad to be back on my feet . My butt still hurt and my back ached ; but not as bad as I expected . I looked round and everyone was just about packed up and walking back towards the minibus . I asked Ryan for my clothes but he told me that they were in a bag that had already left . " What if someone crashes into us ? We 'd have to get lifted out and taken to hospital . At least they wouldn 't have to undress you to treat you . " We made it back to the college and Ryan found the bag with my clothes in it . After I 'd got dressed we went over to Dan to get my money . We left them with all of them thanking me for such a good day . When the weather got a little warmer I started my jogging again . I 've sorted out a route that 's about 3 miles long that I go on . It goes through the park where Ryan and I , and me on my own , have had quite a bit of fun . A few times that I 've passed the kids play area and there has been no one around I 've stopped and repeated some of that fun . One time that I climbed up the rope and slid down I forgot that I had my clit jewellery in and I had to abandon my fun because the jewellery was getting snagged on the rope and I nearly did myself a major problem . The route also goes along a road that has a few shops on it and there is usually quite a few people walking about . I 've had a few ( mixed ) comments about my skirt bouncing about and letting my butt become visible , but nothing that I can 't ignore . Although a couple of times I have REALLY been embarrassed when it was windy . Let me tell you , going jogging in a very short skirt with no knickers on is a very pleasant experience , but going jogging dressed like that on a blustery day is a VERY embarrassing experience ; and the wind tends to blow quite strongly round those shops . There were a couple of times when my skirt was up around my chest with people looking at me . I was so embarrassed as I tried to get myself decent again . The thing was , after the times that I was really embarrassed I wanted it to happen again . Whenever I was thinking about going out jogging I 'd look out to see if it was windy . If it wasn 't I 'd put - off going until it was windy . When it was windy I 'd put the constant vibe in , set on low , and set off . I loved every second of it and that I 'm an exhibitionist . How can that be true ? It isn 't as if I lifted my skirt up round my chest . It was an accident ; an act of nature . We needed a holiday in the sun . We hadn 't had any decent weather for months ( years ! ) . The problem was that what little money we did have was needed to get our apartment straight . Someone who works with Ryan suggested that we look for a house sitting job , and gave him a couple of URLs . We spent a couple of evenings searching the internet and finally found a site that had some villas in Majorca where the owners wanted to go on holiday , but didn 't want to leave their place empty . All we would have to pay for was the flights there and back and our food costs . We selected 3 that looked good and filled in the application forms and waited . We were just at the point of starting to search again when Ryan got an email telling us that out application had been successful . The dates were good , but the owners were going away for just over 3 weeks not the original 2 weeks . Ryan could only get 2 weeks off work . He checked at work the next day , but no luck . The temp job was 4 weeks with an accountancy firm . They had a lot of work on and needed some help . It was a very old - fashioned firm in an old building and most of the people there were old as well . Ryan persuaded me to wear mid - thigh length skirts and blouses . He said that I looked quite ' business like . " Ryan also wanted me to wear my barbells , stirrups and chains . He said that the chains bouncing about under my loose , fitting blouses would remind me of him . When I got there I was given a table to sit at near the entrance door . It was a table , not a desk , but had boxes pilled in front of it so I wasn 't worried about there not being a modest board . I didn 't have to worry about the old men there looking up my skirt as they came in and out . I didn 't want to upset anyone there so I turned to one side so that his view was gone . When I told Ryan about it that night , he laughed and told me not to be so shy . Firstly I didn 't have a lot for anyone to look at , and secondly , if he liked what he saw he may just give me a full time job . The next day when that man stood next to me I didn 't move . I could see that he kept looking and I was surprised that I didn 't get embarrassed . After all , he was an old man ; it wasn 't as if he was going to corner me and rape me . During the second week the boxes in front of my table started to disappear . By the end of the week they were all gone . I didn 't think anything of it and continued sitting comfortably - legs not crossed . It was on the third week that I realised that people could see my bare legs , and possibly more . A delivery guy was stood a few feet in front of my table , waiting for a signature and I noticed him looking at my legs . I blushed and turned sideways in my seat . I made a mental note to sit more carefully whenever anyone was in front of my table . The problem is that I frequently get engrossed in what I 'm doing and don 't see what is going on around me . By the time that my time there was up I had no idea how many people had looked up my skirt . She looked so pleased . She told me that she couldn 't put the sex or the build of the person that they wanted on the advert because they could have been accused of discrimination . She told me that I was just what she was looking for . I had to show her my passport ( nothing unusual there ) then she told me that they had a growing demand for what it said on the advert . They already had 1 part time young girl but there was too much work for her . She said that all modelling sessions were by appointment only and took place in in a room next to her office . She said that it used to be a stock room but they 'd cleared it and put a screen up in one corner . I only had 4 appointments on that first Sunday and I was quite nervous when the manager introduced the first customer to me . It was a couple in their thirties buying an outfit for their 14 year old . I changed behind the screen and stepped out for them to see me . Everything went well with no embarrassing moments and I think that they bought the outfit . The manager had been with me that first time , just to make sure that everything went well . She told me that if I had any problems I just had to bang on the wall to her office and she 'd be there PDQ . This man had selected lots of clothes , including bikinis . At first everything went well with him sitting in the chair that was provided for the customers . Then came an outfit that was a couple of sizes too small for me . I managed to squeeze in to it but it was obvious that I wasn 't wearing anything underneath . I told the man and asked him to go and get the right size , but he insisted that I show him , saying that it was a party outfit and that his daughter always wore tight clothes . I was embarrassed as I stepped out from behind the screen but the man said that I looked fantastic . He told me to do a twirl ( which I did ) , then he asked me if I was wearing any underwear . I blushed and said that I wasn 't . He said that if he bought that outfit he would have to tell his daughter to forego underwear as well . The second bikini had quite a bit less material to it . In fact it was a thong bikini . I felt terribly exposed when I stepped out from behind the screen . The man just stared at me for ages before finally asking me to turn round . I did so and he stared at my naked butt for ages before thanking me . The first was a woman in her late thirties . She had lots of outfits for me to try on . About half way through she told me that things would move faster if I stopped going behind the screen and just changed in the main room . That was my longest appointment and I 'd only just got dressed again when the manager brought my other appointment in . It was a man on his own and he was looking for clothes for his 15 year old daughter who was coming to live with him . He too had a mountain of clothes with him and when I saw them I realised that I it was going to take quite a while . Everything started out okay , but the man started walking around the room whenever I was getting changed . The screen only protected me from view if the customer was sat on the chair and this man kept walking to a place where he could see me changing . Whenever I saw him I turned my back to him . If he was going to see me naked then it was going to be my back . Just when we 'd just about got through the pile of clothes he told me to wait there and he went and got some more clothes . When he got back he had an arm full of what looked like bikinis . He gave one to me and asked me to put it on . I went behind the screen , changed and modelled it for him . It didn 't take long for him to decide that he didn 't like it and gave me another one . I took it behind the screen and took the first bikini off . I stood there naked looking at the new bikini ; but it wasn 't a bikini ; it was some sort of one piece swimsuit . The problem was that it seemed to be all straps , and they were tangled up . After a couple of minutes he said that he thought that he 'd cracked it and held the straps open and told me to step into it . I lifted my leg up but I couldn 't reach so the man got down on his knees . His face was right in front of my pussy . He held the straps open and I lifted a leg and put it through a strap , then my other leg . Instead of telling me to pull it up he did it for me . I was so embarrassed as he pulled the suit right up to my crotch . He even stopped when the suit was at my waist to adjust the way the small piece of material sat over my pussy . The stupid thing was that I opened my legs wider so that it was easier for him . The last 3 items were knickers . He said that he couldn 't make up his mind which sort to get her . He slid a pair of bikini style knickers up my legs . He 'd picked up pair that were way too big and they just hung there looking stupid . He said that he was worried that his daughter might accidentally expose herself and he wanted to know just how much would show if she sat carelessly . He told me to sit on the customer 's chair and open my legs a bit . As he stood there looking at my exposed lips he said , " Hmmm , they do show a lot ; but teenage girls want to wear knickers like that these days . I guess that I 'll have to tell her to be careful if she goes out wearing those . " With that he pulled me up and took them off me . Before I knew it he picked up the pile of clothes that we was going to buy and left me standing there naked wondering what the hell had just happened . |
Arrived just after half two , and settled into the cottage . It 's decent , a small bungalow , one of those old shepherds ' cottages that pop up all around the countryside , everything that I need for a couple of weeks of writing . The place is so quiet , the one thing that I 've got here is time . God knows , I need it - the Knowles book is never going to get done , and April has been getting pushier . The mobile signal 's pretty poor around here , so that should keep her off my back for a few days , anyway . But I 've got to get something done - that advance is spending itself pretty fast . There 's a small old - fashioned desk in the lounge , and I 'm sitting there now , writing this . It 's a good sized room , so it serves as lounge , dining room and study . The telly is five channels only , but there 's nothing on anyway . From the window there 's a lovely picturesque view of the railway line and motorway . Still , I suppose nothing 's perfect , and the joys of double glazing mean that peace and quiet are pretty much assured . There 's an open log fire against the far wall that 's enough to keep the place heated , and some very odd art on the walls - there 's a picture above the fireplace that 's just a random mass of colour . No accounting for taste , but this stuff is just nasty . Tebay isn 't much of a village - nice enough , but little more than a couple of long streets . The local shops are actually in the motorway services , so I 'll be able to get a paper every morning , and eat breakfast in the company of lorry drivers and sulking kids . There 's a bizarre local legend about a witch and an egg but nothing much else - the place seems to have sprung up around the railway , and so it 's not much more than a commuter village for Kendal and a load of holiday cottages for the sort of lunatics who think getting lost in the fog on Scafell Pike constitutes having a good time . Something odd when I went to light the fire . I had to clean out the grate , and there was a weird hollow sound to the tray when I was scraping out the ashes . Sounds like there 's a large open space beneath the fireplace , which seems peculiar . When I was little , we had a fire in my parent 's house , and my dad used to say that the grate was bottomless , and if you fell in , you would fall to the centre of the earth . Of course , the older I got , the more I realised he just had a bizarre sense of humour . Still , just for a moment … Knock on the door about five o ' clock , received a visit from the woman who owns the place , Joanna Allen . She lives about five minutes down the road , told me to call if there was anything I needed . She seems OK , young ( about thirty - five , I would guess , but then anyone under forty seems young these days ) , very pretty . That odd local accent . She told me a few things about the area that I already knew , rambled a bit about how the house had been in the family for a long time and recommended the sausages from the local butcher . Maybe it was just me , but I seemed to think there was - well , a spark between us ? I don 't know - maybe it 's just been a long time . Dinner at six , then spent most of the rest of the evening writing . Got past the 1960s section , but that was the easy bit . His notes of 1970 onwards are just a mess - drinking , drugs and prostitutes , largely . Trying to get it into some sort of readable order is going to be a hell of a job . Slept badly , just kept waking up at random intervals . I think I 'm used to the noise of the city - the countryside is just too quiet for me , even on the motorway 's doorstep . Woke up with a headache and a bad back . Procrastinated over the book . I 've got to a section about coke that is just a shambles - Knowles is just screwed up . So I took the bus to Kendal . I bought a few supplies , got a John Connolly from an Oxfam shop , then went to the local library and looked a few things up . Idle curiosity really , a few things that Joanna had said about the house . Seems it has been in her family for a very long time indeed - hundreds of years , in fact , as far back as records go . It was only sold in the last few years to a company who run these holiday cottages . One note of interest - her grandfather was a local painter of some note - William Hawesworth , a minor national celebrity . His work was compared to some of the greats , and some of his stuff ended up in the National Gallery for a while . He started out as a war artist in the RAF , went to places like Iraq and Poland , but spent the rest of his life in Tebay . The records aren 't very clear , but it seems he went a bit odd - what they think was Parkinson 's disease . His works became more and more abstract , and less and less popular , and he spent his last days in the house , before dying in 1981 pretty much alone except for his daughter and two grandkids . Wonder if some of the pictures in the house might be his - it would explain the fact that they 're awful . Just as I was leaving , I ran into Joanna . I don 't generally believe in coincidence , but I suppose there 's always room for these things to happen . We had a coffee in the library café and talked about this and that - nothing major , but it was relaxing in a way I haven 't felt for a while . If I had the time here I might be interested in her - I think she was flirting with me . I tried to ask about her grandfather , but she didn 't seem keen to talk . She did tell me she was with him shortly before he died - I suppose nobody wants to open up about something like that to someone she doesn 't really know . She left me to go to Morrisons , so I decided to be lazy and get a taxi back to Tebay . Taxi driver was the usual talkative type , rambling on about a combination of immigration , VAT and the environment . About halfway back to the village , I asked him to stop the car . Maybe I just couldn 't bear to hear any more of his assorted wisdom , but I 'd also seen something that caught my attention . It was a sign for a private lake , Whinfell Waters . There was a footpath , chained off to keep anyone out , but I doubted that would work for the truly curious . And I admit it , I was curious . The sign threatened prosecution to unauthorised visitors and sounded off about the dangers of bodies of open water . I asked the driver to drop me off there . He was a little pissed off , but I paid him over the odds , so off he went . The way to the lake was heavily overgrown , a mess of brambles and nettles and hawthorns that was a much better deterrent than the sign . I don 't know why I kept on - I 'm not sure why I even wanted to see it , and I was very aware that I was trespassing , but something kept me going . I suppose a visit to the Lake District wouldn 't be complete without a visit to a lake . This was the ' real ' Lake District , away from the overcrowded tourist centres of Bassenthwaite and Windermere . Sitting here and writing that makes it sound ridiculous , but somehow it seemed logical at the time . Eventually I came to an open area , and the lake itself . It 's not huge - maybe a couple of hundred metres long , and a seventy metres across , ringed on all sides by rising banks of still leafy trees . There was nothing very interesting about the scene , except for one thing . The surface of the water was absolutely still , as flat and plain as a table top . I stood very still for a long time , just watching and listening . The road was still near enough away that an occasional passing car could be heard , but aside from that , there was nothing . No birds , no animals , no movement , no breath of breeze on a cold October afternoon , not a ripple or a And yet , in the midst of that lifelessness , there was one other thing - I am positive that I was being observed . Nobody was to be seen , but the feeling was very clear . It was getting dark , so I pushed my way back to the road , and managed to coax a signal out of my phone to order another taxi . All the time , to the moment that I got into the car , the feeling of being watched never left me . When I got home , I had a look at that picture again . It 's odd , but it doesn 't look quite as much of a mess as it did the other day . I looked closely at it , and sure enough , there 's a scrawled signature in the corner - I 'm sure it 's ' W . Hawesworth ' . If I 'm honest , I felt a bit uncomfortable . The chaos , the lack of even the slightest order - is this what it 's like to have Parkinson 's ? Certainly it wasn 't quite - well , quite right , really . Had to put it out of my mind . Dinner of sausages from the local - Joanna was right about the butchers - then a drink at the Cross Keys , and finally some work . Knowles ' stuff gets worse and worse . There 's an unbelievable rant about Marc Bolan that I 've tried to edit into something coherent . It 's just as well you can 't defame the dead , or this book will never get to the printers . It 's half eleven now , and bed beckons . Another bad night - the third in a row . I dreamt a lot - normally , I don 't tend to remember these things , but this one stuck in my head . Swimming in an ocean , no sign of land , and I wasn 't alone , but I couldn 't see where the other person was . Then a face appeared . I couldn 't make out the features . The shock woke me up . Got about a thousand words down on the laptop , more drugs hazes and orgies , but my mind wasn 't on things . I took the bus to Kendal , and did a little more local research . Nothing very major , a few bits about Whinfell waters . There was a news clipping about an American tourist drowning there a few weeks ago . I tried to find out who owns the lake - nothing came up . I 'm sure I 'm being watched again . The feeling was very strong when I was in Kendal . I didn 't see anyone , but I felt the same as I did the other day at the lake . Why someone would be interested in me is beyond me . Maybe April 's got someone checking up on me . That would be paranoid , even for her . Another odd thing after dinner . I went to light the fire , and I would swear that the picture had changed . It had previously been a mass of colours , mainly reds and greens , no obvious shape . It had been pretty offensive to look at . Now , the colours appear to have moved into a swirl , a clearer sweep and form , more arranged and ordered than before . There seems to be a shape at its centre , but I can 't quite make it out . I swear I stared at that picture for more than an hour before I realised what I was doing . There 's something not right there . It freaks me out . Another bad night , with dreams that stayed with me longer after I woke up . The dreams are getting clearer , and the same images recur . I am treading water . Something moves about me , vast and unseen . A huge ripple breaks the surface nearby , and then something moves towards me so fast I have no time to react . Then the face again . It 's not human , that is the only thing I know . And then I either wake , or there is a flash , and it all begins again . I lay in bed this morning for a very long time , trying to get the images and the terror that they created out of my head , without success . The house is cold this morning , and there is a distinct feeling of damp in the air , although I can 't find any source . And one other thing . Try as I might , I can 't rid myself of the idea that there was someone else in the house last night . I can 't see any evidence of it , the door is still locked , there 's nothing been disturbed , but even in the light of day , the house feels less than empty . It looked the same as it had . Just still and black . I knelt by the water , staring hard it , trying to see the slightest ripple . Nothing . There was a slight breeze , but even that failed to disturb those dead waters . Odd doesn 't even begin to describe the atmosphere . I bent towards the water , reaching out for it . I pulled back my hand suddenly , stood and turned . There was a man standing about ten feet behind me . He was short , rounded , dressed in a sports jacket and brown corduroys . His hair was thin at best , and his face was covered with a smile that seemed glued on . It wasn 't a pretty sight . " Alan Locksley , " he said , holding out his hand . I shook it , but it felt the very definition of a cold fish . His hand was wet with cold sweat , and that combined with the round , empty smile to give me a proverbial shiver . I 've realised now who his accent reminded me of . Loyd Grossman . What is he , New Englander ? Best guess , that was where he was from . " I suppose you know this is private property ? " he said . I bristled at that . I wasn 't about to be told what to do by this guy . I didn 't reply . Despite an assumed mateiness , there was something about him that I didn 't like . After a while , I said , " I just come here for the fishing . " He laughed at that . " You forgot your line . And there 's no fish here . There 's nothing . That 's why I come here . The peace . Kinda like death , don 't you think ? " The morbidity repelled me , and I was silent again . We stood there for a long time , saying nothing , for at least fifteen minutes , looking out across the water . I could feel his attention on me for the entire time , but I didn 't react . " This is an odd area , " he said at last . " Stone circles , witches and in - breeding . Reminds me of home . " He gave a low bark of a laugh . " But this place is the limit . They say there 's no life in the water whatsoever . Not even a microbe . That fascinates me . I 'm a scientist by trade . Physics , but everything 's interesting . I 'm always looking out for something … different . Guess that 's why you 're here . " I didn 't know what to say to him . If I truly thought about it , I had no idea why I was here . So I said nothing . Finally , he seemed to take the hint . It was a good ten seconds before I realised what he had said . How the hell had he known that ? I turned to ask , but he was gone already . For a second , I thought to follow him , but something told me not to . I didn 't really want to talk to him , with his odd manner and false smile . I gave him a while , watching the lake and thinking , then made my way back to the road to call a taxi . I didn 't see him again . That was some relief . Saw Joanna as I was arriving back at the cottage . Invited her to dinner tonight , and she said yes . I think I could do with the company . There is something very wrong about that picture . It is definitely not the same as it was yesterday . The shape at the centre is clearer again , and the colours more green than before . Am I losing my mind , or have those dreams simply made me see things ? I really don 't know , but this house is beginning to get to me . I may give it one more day , but I think the hotels of Kendal are beginning to appeal to me . A better night , solely down to Joanna . She came over , and we had a good dinner . We talked for a long time . I told about the exciting life of a ghost - writer for footballers and rock stars , and the fun of trying to put together a coherent narrative from the various ramblings I 've been given over the years . I even told her about Ventures and The Last Kingdom . She thinks I should go back to novel writing . I think she was just trying to be nice , but maybe it 's time for a change . Advances for biogs are a lot better , though , and at least I know the beginning , middle and end when I 'm writing them . She told me about her life in this village . Seems very quiet , and rather lonely , she seems to have looked after her grandfather and then her mother for a very long time . The house was sold by her brother a few years back . He 's a city analyst in London , and there 's no love lost there . She said he doesn 't understand the area . She 's carried on working here as caretaker . She says she misses the place . God knows why . She stayed the night . I woke up alone this morning , but she 'd left a note to say she had a few jobs to do , and would be away for a day or two . No regrets , although I know it can 't go anywhere . No dreams last night , at least none that come back to me . I suppose I had other things on my mind - but a gentleman doesn 't kiss and tell , not even to his diary . Back to Kendal . I seem to be spending my , life in the library , but the experience with the American had bothered me . Looked him up online , not a great deal but I finally found something in the Boston Herald . Seems I was right about the New England thing . And he was telling the truth about being a scientist . He 'd been a physicist at MIT , a pretty good one , some radical stuff that I didn 't understand , but then he 'd left under a bit of a cloud after a fire and a death two years ago . The details were vague , but he and some other guy , a research assistant named Jake Hauser , had been thrown out of the university , and had pretty much vanished . The other searches for Locksley didn 't go anywhere , so I tried this Hauser instead . What came up was pretty amazing . A piece from the News and Star , dated just over a month ago . A man found dead on the shores of a lake . No obvious injuries , but wearing diving gear , so drowning assumed , but no sign of water in lungs . Inquest to take place in the next few days . When I got back , I looked at the painting again . It had changed , I was certain of it . It was forming a picture of what seemed to be a living thing , with a face and body emerging from what had seemed just a couple of days ago to be random smudges of paint . I was so freaked by this that I reached for it , to take it off the wall and hide it away . The moment my fingers touched the wooden frame , I felt a tremor running through it . It ran into me , like a tingle of electricity . There was no shock or pain , but I still jumped back . I stood there for a long time , breathing hard . Then , I got my phone , and took a picture of the painting . It was the only way I knew for sure to see if the thing was changing like I thought . Went to the pub for dinner . Not sure I want to be in the house with that thing . Last night was terrible - the same dreams as before , each time cutting out before the final moment . And this time , waking was even worse . There were times when I wasn 't sure if I was awake or dreaming , but all the time I could feel something else . A person ? No , the word is presence . That seems so stupid when I write it , but it 's the only word I can think of . Watching , contemplating me , examining me in every detail . I couldn 't move , not to flee , not to shrink under the covers and hide . I just lay there , second after minute after hour , until the morning . The daylight hasn 't made it any better , really . I found myself able to move , but the house remains hateful , an object of speculation by something that I cannot see . And the picture has changed again . The shape is there , clearer than ever , form , eyes , face . I know the face that is slowly appearing . It is the face of the thing that threatens me in my dreams . I took my phone out , but the picture I had taken yesterday was gone , replaced by an image of pure , deep black . It doesn 't want me to see too much . It prefers to look at me instead . I must talk to Joanna . Five o ' clock - no sign of Joanna at her house . There 's a van outside , seems to be a builder 's , bricks and cement , but nobody at home . I don 't know what else to do - I stumbled around the village for a while , and somehow I ended up in the tiny parish church . The vicar was nowhere about , so I sat in one of the pews and tried to pray . I swear I don 't believe in that stuff , but at that point God seemed my only hope . No answer to the prayers . Hadn 't really been expecting one . I went to the Cross Keys and ate something . The food had no taste - I was aware of the actions , cutting , stabbing , chewing , swallowing , but they had no meaning to me beyond basic animal instinct . I have come back to the house . I cannot hide from it ; at least in the house I might try to understand it . I am looking at what I wrote yesterday , and I am shocked . I do not know where the words came from . Something deep inside me , something reacting to the voyeurism of my constant and unseen house guest . I feel it even now , but today I can react with greater rationality . Last night was , somehow , a better night . The dreams were still there , but an incident around two o ' clock in the morning lent a solidity to what I am experiencing . Despite everything , despite all my terror and desperation , I remained in the house last night . I fear that I cannot escape the gaze of whatever it is that has found me , so I stayed in the heart of the storm , waiting , watching . I fell asleep in a large armchair in the bedroom , at least for a while . At about two o ' clock , I heard something move . This was not the presence that has so tormented me , it was concrete , real . A floorboard creaking , a door opening , a furtive but physical feeling of not being alone . I stood , quietly as I could , and made my way to the bedroom door . I had left it open , and slipped quietly through to where it opened onto the lounge . A shape stood by the fireplace , a human shape , hands on the painting . There was nothing very interesting about the figure , and in that I felt an overwhelming sense of relief . It was a human being , an intruder , perhaps a burglar , yet I was almost happy to see him . He was so unutterably banal when compared to what I have experienced . The room was dark , and I could make out nothing of the intruder 's features , but it was also clear that he had not seen me . In the instant of realising this , my foot caught the door , causing it to move slightly . The smallest of creaks , but he noticed . His head flashed in my direction , and I knew he had now seen me . And he ran . Fled for the door , faster than I could react . I made after him , but by the time I reached the door , there was no one to be seen . Where does this leave me ? I do not know . I want to run . I know every rational thought is begging me to flee , to run as far away as I can , and never look back , but I know that it would do no good . What I have found - what has found me - is too great to escape that way . There is nowhere in the world that is beyond its shadow . And the knowledge that there are also human agencies interested in this house , in that painting , does nothing to reassure my fears . I am trying to write it all down , to put into words what I have felt and heard . Words are my skill . Perhaps in their exercise I can come nearer to understanding . I have kept a diary for seventeen years , now . Nothing but the routine of daily life . And yet now it feel that it may hold my salvation . I am trying to get this down on paper as fast as I can . Recording this is pretty much the last thing I will ever do . I need to put my thoughts in some sense of order before the end comes . I need to occupy my mind against thoughts that are literally unthinkable . And yet I find myself far calmer than I thought I would be . Maybe it is because I finally know . I have seen the thing that has been haunting my dreams for the last few days . I have seen it , and nothing will ever be the same again . So I sit and wait to die . The blood loss may do that . Or perhaps I might let it take me . I have a choice . Plunge into the darkness or sit and drift away . The former might be preferable , but I am too scared of what might be in that darkness . I am scared that I might not die . And so I sit . I might try to sleep later . But not yet . Too much to say . I had been attempting to write my diary when there had been a knock at the door . Hoping that it was Joanna , I went to the door and opened it . Locksley was standing there , an innocuous smile on his face . He was dressed in overalls , a large rucksack slung over his back , heavy boots on his feet , looking as if he was off potholing or climbing . His left hand rested on a large sledgehammer . In his right hand he held a gun , and it was aimed at me . I had to look at it a couple of times , it seemed so comically out of place . I surprised myself by my lack of panic . Shock , perhaps , but I simply stood there , calmly appraising him . He nodded in response . " I regret having to resort to such extremes , but I find that I need your help , " he said . His voice was very steady , but there was a tone in it that told of someone keeping something in check . I don 't know what it was , a twitchy energy , boiling away beneath the veneer of calm . Even if I hadn 't seen the gun , that voice would have told me that something was badly wrong . I didn 't say anything , I just stood back and let him pass . He moved into the house , never taking his eyes away from mine , the gun never wavering . It seemed foolish to ask where he wanted to go so I simply walked over to the fireplace and the picture . It had , of course , changed again , tinted with green , and the face at its centre was now extremely clear . It wasn 't human , or for that matter anything that I recognised from this world . But on seeing it , Locksley 's smile broadened , and he gazed on it almost religiously . For the first time , the gun moved , his hands shaking with excitement . " You want it , take it . " " It is hardly yours to give away , " he replied , " and whilst important , it is not the ultimate reason why I am here . . " He looked back to me . " Do you know what this is ? " At the shake of my head , he laughed . " Pathetic . So close to this pure perfection , to the point where you even commune with it , and you don 't know . " A pause , then he indicated the picture with the gun . " That is a key . A key to a door to a world beyond anything you could ever have hoped to see . But thanks to me , you will see it . Now . " He gestured to the hammer , and flicked the gun back in my direction . " Take the picture off the wall . Then use the hammer . " He seemed amused by the question . Another gesture at the fireplace " Break it . Break through the wall . And then …” - a laugh that was not sane - " then we shall see . " I didn 't feel that I had any choice . Besides , I wanted to know . I was more than curious to find out what it was that was haunting me , that drew this man here all the way from Massachusetts . And if this was a way to accomplish that , then so be it . I reached for the picture . As my fingers made contact , I flinched , expecting the same tingle I had felt before . But nothing happened . I felt a wooden frame beneath my fingers , a length of wire at the back , a small picture hook in the wall . The picture was off the wall in seconds , and passed to Locksley . He threw it onto the sofa . For all his earlier words about it , it was clear that he placed little value on the picture in itself . To me , the act seemed calculatedly casual , almost sacrilegious in its triviality . I picked up the hammer , swearing under my breath at the weight . I 've never been one for manual work , but the gun was a great motivator . So I gave the hammer a few practice swings , then brought it down upon the lintel of the fireplace . My arms jarred badly with the impact , my shoulders screaming out with pain , but the structure of the fireplace gave way almost immediately , crashing down . Four or five further swings and the whole of the fireplace was a mass of rubble and metal . I put the hammer down , and cleared the rubble to one side , pulling the metal of the grate clear from the floor . And in that moment , my childhood nightmares were real . My father had told the truth . Beneath the grate was an open space of an impenetrable depth , dark and cold , stinking with rot and damp . I fell back , gagging , but Locksley was unmoved . " The doorway to hell , " he murmured , as if reading my thoughts . I looked over to where he was sitting on the arm of the sofa . He simply waved the gun . " The wall . Keep going . " I picked up the hammer again , and started on the wall . Swing after swing , eventually , my arms threatening to snap at the repeated impacts , the bricks collapsed in , fell into darkness . The smell was now worse than ever , rising up from a large , open blackness . When I had opened up a gap large enough to accommodate a man , Locksley indicated to stop . He threw the rucksack to me . I opened it up . What he wanted was fairly clear - a rollout ladder of metal and wire , that secured to the remaining brickwork with a hook . As I assembled it , and then dropped it down into the darkness , he was retrieving a pair of large torches from the rucksack . He handed one to me . Then he made another gesture with the gun . I could have run then , raced to the ladder , been up and out in seconds , pulling the ladder up and trapping him there , fleeing the cottage and never looking back . But he had me and he knew it . That was why he wasn 't even bothering to threaten me now . I wanted to know . I needed to know . And so I walked over and squatted down beside him . I stood and watched him scrabbling about the floor , scraping at the filth with a small trowel , the sort you would use for archaeology , minutely examining each stone for some unknown detail . Finally , a low mutter of satisfaction . I walked over to him , as he shone the torch beam down onto a small symbol , a crude trident shape etched deep into one of the flagstones . " His name , " he replied , as if this was meant to mean something . He pressed his fingers to the shape , tracing it carefully , first one way , then the other . For a moment , nothing happened . Then , the stone moved . There was no obvious sign of any mechanism , but the entire flag simply lifted up and away , revealing another dark opening . This time he went first , and I followed him down those stairs . This descent was much more difficult than the first . It was hard to keep the torch beam on the steps before me , and the slippery lichen and mould constantly threatened to send me off my feet and tumbling down into the dark . We descended much further - maybe more than a hundred feet , it was so difficult to tell in the isolating inkiness , but finally , I heard him breathe out and stop . A few seconds later , I had also reached the bottom . Words can barely explain just how claustrophobic and lost that dark space felt . We shone the torches around , to show only one way forward , a dank looking stone passage that sloped gently down , encrusted walls about three feet apart , just over six feet high , enough for smaller men to walk comfortably in single file , but little more . Locksley smiled again , the torchlight lending his rounded features the quality of a demonic cherub , then he started down the tunnel , with me close behind . By now , I did not dare let him get far out of sight , lest the torch fail and I be left alone in this madness . I was in fact so close that when he stopped very suddenly , I nearly ran into his back . He switched off the torch and indicated that I should do the same . Of all the things I had been asked to do , this was the one thing I could not . I feared that blackness more than anything , and I couldn 't understand why he wanted me to do this . Impatiently , he grabbed the torch from me and pressed the switch . I flinched , as if hit , but then I realised one thing - I could still see him . The tunnel , and Locksley , were lit by a yellowing glow that seemed to flow from the stones of the tunnel itself . It was not a healthy light , but it was enough . Locksley smiled yet again , as if satisfied that he had been correct about something . " Bioluminescence . Suggestive . " That was all he would say . He started off again down the passage . As we continued , he spoke . It was half a lecture , half a confession , a commentary on our endless descent towards whatever it was waited for us . " I used to be a very good scientist . I researched physics at the highest level , ran the advanced particle research laboratory at MIT . I was invited to advise the CERN project . People valued me . I was touching on the very nature of what we understood as matter and reality . I touched the edge of space and time , and I came so closed to seeing and understanding what it all meant . " And then one day , one experiment , it happened . We were running an experiment to simultaneously split and accelerate the quark . Something happened . Something gave in the universe . A - a split opened , and I saw through to somewhere else . To the real world . " He stopped walking , turned and looked at me angrily . The anger wasn 't directed at me . It was sheer frustration at everything , at the universe . " How can I explain in words ? Language doesn 't exist to express what I saw . This world …” - he waved his arms about him - " None of it is real . We are just the foundations at the base of reality . And what is built upon it ? Existences layered on top of each other , nothing that we could understand , realities so vibrant as to make our brightest stars look withered and dead . And at their summit , the realm of gods and angels , creatures to whom we are merely constituent atoms . I saw it for one second . Any more and I would have become insane . And I wept that I could not be mad , for it would have been worth it . To gaze upon them for one second longer I would have sacrificed the last vestiges of my sanity . " He spat his last word out bitterly . He started walking again . " There was a fire . They said I 'd been careless , that I hadn 't followed acceptable safety standards in my work . I think something touched us that wasn 't meant to . The equipment I was using simply couldn 't deal with the load that was placed on it . Whatever the cause , the laboratory was burnt to the ground . One of my assistants was killed . My other assistant , Hauser and I were fired , made to look fools when we had pushed their work further than it had ever been . " We left them to their ignorance . I had begun to realise that science was a blind alley anyway . Its dead hand could not bring me back to what I had seen . So I started to look elsewhere . New England is awash with stories about things that touch upon our universe in ways we don 't understand . Ghosts , they call them , demons . Nobody realises . I looked farther afield . Venezuela , Peru , Russia , New Zealand , I have travelled the world to find it again . And then I came across a story in one small place . " In 1799 , Samuel Taylor Coleridge visited the Lake District to see William Wordsworth , and the two of them went to the stone circle at Castlerigg . It 's a popular tourist site , but nobody quite knows what it was built for . They even say that the place is bewitched , and the number of stones changes from year to year . There are so many theories , and they are all wrong . I know it was a place of worship . Ancient Britons gathered there to worship their god . Coleridge wrote in his diary that Castlerigg troubled him in his dreams for a very long time - he saw things , things that people put down to his laudanum use , but what he was doing was communing with the life form that the stones venerated . His mind was open . Artistic minds are susceptible to these things . Minds such as yours and William Hawesworth 's . When I saw Coleridge 's words , when I read about Hawesworth and his madness , I knew at once . The stones , the house , they were all part of the same thing . And in a direct line between the two of them was that lake . " I knew now that I was on the verge of something significant . Art and science combining to show me the face of my god once again . When Hauser and I arrived here , I ran tests on that lake . There was nothing - not a trace of life within its waters , not even the tiniest of microbes . The vegetation that ran to its shores shrivelled and died when it touched the waters . Hauser was prepared to look further . He went into the water . He was fully equipped with the best diving gear , he was an accredited A1 diver who had explored the Great Barrier Reef and the Indian Ocean . But the second he went beneath the surface of the lake , he was dead . The thing in there would not suffer him to live . It will not suffer anything to come near it and know it . But his death was not in vain , however . Because now I knew . It is in the lake . It sleeps down there . I reasoned that the house must have some connection to the lake , otherwise why would it inspire such visions and madness in Hawesworth . There was nothing particularly interesting about the house itself , it had been around for several hundred years . But what had been there before ? If we could break that shell , see what lay beneath … " He paused . I realised that he had stopped yet again . This time , however , it was different . As I caught up with him , I saw that the passage had opened up into a vast space , a stone - built underground cathedral , a circle of at least seventy metres diameter and as much again up . The ceiling was lost in yellow darkness . And at one end , a large opening , rectangular , twenty metres high by fifteen across . How can I describe what lay beyond that opening ? Locksley was right , words are inadequate to express it . But I must try . What I saw appeared to be water . It moved in the opening without ever entering the chamber , as if held back by a window , but there was no glass there . The water was green , dark . I knew that I was looking at the bottom of Whinfell 's lake . And in the water , there was something moving . Not a fish , nor an animal or bird . It was huge . Any other time , I might have taken it for a giant squid , perhaps a vast octopus . To find something like that in the Lake District would have been ridiculous enough , but I knew that this was not what I was seeing . I could only get the vaguest sense of it , as it moved in the water . No real sense of shape , the edges blurred and undefined , as if its form defied the eye , its horizons not existing within my perceptions . And all the while , it pulsed with a slow , clear rhythm of movement . Breathing , or an unpleasant parody of it . For an amused moment , I felt that it was snoring . Locksley seemed to read my thoughts , and he nodded . I thought that we had experienced into every level of darkness possible as we had moved further and further down into the earth , but it had been nothing compared to the darkness within that eye . A huge black pupil , more than two metres across , purest jet black , and heavily lidded , so that the movement was slow and deliberate . As it blinked just once , I stared at it , and I knew that , even in this dormant , docile state , it was staring back . He looked up . His smile was simple , one of pure happiness . The same image of a small child , how he might have looked on being rewarded by an indulgent parent . It was the only truly genuine smile I had seen on his face . " God , " he told me . " What else could it be ? " He began to laugh , and it echoed horribly around the cavern . " All my life spent trying to unlock the secret of the universe , and I find it in a British backwater . Literally ! " The laughing increased , became strained . The man was on the verge of total insanity . I think he would have called it euphoria . Either way , I knew that we were very close to the end . The knowledge of what I had seen had snapped me away from any further curiosity . If I had any move to make , it had to be now . I moved back to the passageway , as fast as I could . But I had barely moved five steps when the crack of a gun rang around the chamber , and I felt something hit me in the shoulder . I fell to the ground , almost unbelieving . As I twisted on the ground , I looked at Locksley , who held the gun by his side . He had stood again , and was shaking his head . Even in my semi - delirium , that seemed crazy . Was he going to stay down here , simply kneel before that thing until he simply died of starvation and madness ? I pulled myself to my knees using my good arm , and tried to crawl towards the passage again . Another shot rang out . This one did not hit me . I looked back at him again . Locksley was walking towards me , face set . He raised the gun and pointed it at my head . A hollow , echoing roar of awakening tore through me , shaking the chamber . I saw the eye blink several times , and then move towards us . A slow trickle of greenish water oozed into the chamber from the opening , followed by an amorphous blackness . Locksley turned away from me . The gun , forgotten , drifted from his fingers and fell to the floor . I grabbed for it , for all the good it would do . Locksley was no longer a danger , and against that thing , I knew bullets would be useless . Locksley was now a mere six feet from the emerging creature , and he was laughing and shouting continuously , words lost in the returning echoes of the roaring . He reached out to touch the darkness , and then turned back suddenly , staring me straight in the face . That was when he realised , just too late , that he had been wrong . And then a million tentacles exploded into the room , wrapping themselves around his body from feet to head , latching onto him , pulling him back towards the opening and the dark . One final moment of horror in his eyes , one last scream dwarfed by the sound of the creature that took him , and then the tentacles were forcing their way into his eye sockets , filling his throat , tearing at flesh and bone relentlessly . The scream was stifled , the moment passed , and he was gone , eaten by the dark . The water continued to flow into the chamber , faster now , accelerating towards me . I could no longer see the eye , but I knew that it still saw me , wanted to take me as it had its acolyte . That was the spur I had to overcome the pain of my injury . Screaming against the dark , I got to my feet , and I ran . What had seemed a slow and gentle slope as we descended now seemed a terrifying upwards ascent . I ran as fast as I could , stumbling from wall to wall , scarcely daring to look back . The occasions when I did , I could see the water following me , getting faster , from trickle to torrent to full wave . Things moved in the water , questing for me . I threw my arm back and let go two shots from the gun , the recoil threatening to send me off my feet and making me cry out with pain . The useless act of defiance was rewarded with a further scream from the creature , less of pain than anger . Something surged from the water and the gun was plucked from my hand . It was barely three feet from me now , the water licking at my heels , and I knew I could not go on . Maybe if I surrendered , it would be quick . I knew this was a lie , but now I had nothing left but the comfort of lying . I closed my eyes , and stopped running . The quiet feminine voice , the soft accent , sounded so out of place that at first I did not react . Then I opened my eyes , to see the water and the darkness flowing away from me as fast as it had come . I turned back to the source of the voice . Joanna stood behind me , the painting in her hands , held out directly in front of her . Her face was set in gentle determination . She didn 't look directly at me , never took her eyes off the passageway . " Hurry , " she repeated , " this will hold it back , but we must be quick . " I moved past her and continued up the passageway . She followed , still holding the picture out in front of her , backing up behind me . After an eternity we reached the stairs and ascended back into the cellar beneath the house . A pair of large industrial torches illuminated the room , but there was no time to examine things . She handed the picture to me , and told me to hold it towards the opening in the floor . Then she moved to the ladder , nimbly climbing back up into the house . Awkwardly pushing the painting under my arm , I made to follow , but as I put pressure on the first rung of the ladder , I felt it give . I jumped back , just in time to see the whole ladder fall , rungs and rope clattering on the stone floor , trapping me in the chamber . Had it come free by accident ? Was she going to find another way to get me out ? I hoped against hope . I shouted up for her . At first , there was no reply , then her voice , heavy with sadness , drifted down and echoed around the room . " It 's too late for you . I 'm sorry . It 's seen you . You might have escaped if it had only been in your dreams , but now you 've been down there , it knows you for certain . You can 't come back up again . Not ever . I 'm sorry . " There was silence for a few seconds . Then she sighed , loud enough to echo around the chamber . " I hope not . I have to take the chance . Someone up here has to close it off again . " A rope was passed down into the chamber , with a large metal hook attached . I knew that she was asking for the painting . For a moment , I held out , thought of holding it hostage against my being left down here . But the moment only held briefly . I hooked the back of the painting to the rope . It disappeared up into the ceiling , and there was silence . Finally , the silence was broken by the sound of masonry pressing on masonry . I knew what she was doing , I realised why she had bricks and cement outside her house the other day . It was as if she had known . I went crazy at this point . I ran up and down the room , screaming , shouting , swearing at her , at Locksley , at whatever it was that had brought us to this , venting my fury and terror at the world . I kicked over one of the torches , smashing it , plunging part of the room into the dark . It was this that brought me back to some sense of order . I ran to beneath the opening in the ceiling and shouted up , pleading with her , tears running down my face as I begged her not to do this . For a long time , there was no answer save the slow scrape of the bricks being put into place . Then , as the small gap of light from above gradually narrowed , minute by minute , she started to speak . Like Locksley , her words sounded like a confession . Unlike Locksley , there was little emotion in her voice , save regret . " It 's been in the lake forever - as far as we understand that word . The Celtic people worshipped it at the stones above and in their chamber beneath the ground . They could not enter the lake itself as they knew that meant death , so they built the tunnel that gave them access . I don 't know what it is that holds the water back . " She laughed . " There are so many things I don 't know about it . I have read so many books to try to understand , but I can still only guess . " They say it is one of the children of Cthulhu . It has a name , the symbol on the stone , but nobody knows what it is . I think it came here by accident . It slipped quietly through a weak point between its realm and ours and came to lie under the water , asleep . In time , it was forgotten , its influence over the local people faded in the light of reason and science . It stayed there , and nobody paid it any notice . The tunnel was lost , and they built the village over its foundations . " My family own the lake and they used to own the house . They have done so for a very long time . Nobody knew the secret it concealed until my grandfather came back from the war and continued his painting . I think he had touched its mind in his dreams , and he realised that this house was special . Once he realised what was down there , he fled , and sealed it in . But he was never the same again . He started to paint strange things . He became more and more incoherent , and his friends and family became more afraid of him and his paintings . This picture was the last thing he did . It is one of the Old Ones , who warred with Cthulhu and his spawn . " " I 've seen that picture move , " I told her . She laughed again , as if I had stated the obvious like a child . " Of course . I think , in its own way , it is alive . It created itself through my grandfather , to balance the thing in the lake . Once he had done that , there was no further use for him . We were told he had Parkinson 's disease , but my mother knew better . She had spoken to him when he was lucid , and she had believed him when he told her what he saw . She pledged to do what she had to , and she stayed here with the painting , guarding it . " When my mother died , and the place was sold by Simon , I was terrified of what might happen , but I managed to be taken on as a caretaker . I hoped that this meant I could keep an eye on things . Until now , there hasn 't been any trouble . I don 't think most people can sense it . " That man changed everything . " I assume she meant Locksley . " His malevolence and stupidity disrupted things . I know all about his work . I think he saw Cthulhu . And so it has felt his presence since he came to the area , it has reacted and reached out - and then it touched you , felt your mind . Once it started to stir , I had to do something . I 'm sorry I deceived you . I like you , but there are more important things to consider . I hoped I could stop it from taking you too far . But I failed . It must be locked away . I will replace the painting on the wall , and I hope that it can hold it . " I sat on the floor , and wept . I am not sure how long I sat there , but eventually there were no tears left . As rationality returned , so did the pain in my shoulder . In the dim light of the remaining torch , I removed my shirt , and examined the mess of torn flesh . Eventually , I tore the shirt into strips and tried to bind it across the wound . Locksley 's rucksack lay in the corner . Too weak to stand , I pulled myself across the floor and opened it . Some sort of knife , for hunting and fishing , a number of scientific pamphlets , a map of the area , a few items of warm clothing , and a notebook and pens . I pulled one of the jumpers over my head , then I took the notebook and a pen and crawled to the opposite wall , where the last torch continued its lone fight against the darkness . Propping myself up against the wall , I rested the book against my knees , and began to write . That is all . The torch is fading , its batteries are drained . I feel so weak that I can barely hold the pen any longer . My writing has become fragmented , illegible . I have tried my best to say what I saw , and these few words will remain testament to the thing that lies dreaming at the bottom of Whinfell Waters , and the sacrifices that have been made to keep it that way . I am going to switch off the torch now , and go to sleep . I pray that I do not dream . One last thing . If by any chance you are reading this , then pray . Because the wall will have been broken again . And it will be awake . Email ThisBlogThis ! Share to TwitterShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest |
In his seventy - eight winters - from his youth in the Black Forest of Germany to his old age in the White Mountains of New Hampshire - Cornelius Fischermann had split hundreds of logs . But the log in front of him came , evidently , from the petrified forest . The log sat crooked and defiant on the chopping block . Cornelius ' ax glanced off , leaving superficial scars . It was 4 : 15 pm , dusk in New Hampshire on New Year 's Eve . On a typical holiday Cornelius could reach his cabin by lunchtime , but that required leaving Boston before 9 am , and today his son Carl hadn 't picked him up until 11 . The passenger 's seat was empty when Carl pulled up in his Volvo , and Cornelius felt it unwise to ask why Carl 's wife Millicent wasn 't in it . The answer , he felt sure , would tell him more than he wanted to know about why Carl was late . Cornelius slipped into the back seat and made conversation with his eight - year - old grandson , Corey , who was trying to decide which Christmas gift had been his favorite . The conversation made Cornelius feel guilty , since he hadn 't thought to buy Corey anything . His wife , Ingrid , had always taken care of that . Carl drove silently until the New Hampshire border , where he made the superfluous remark that , if they 'd left Boston earlier , they could have beaten the holiday traffic . They could have beaten the snow , too , which fell heavily , then turned to freezing rain , so that they had to stop at a friend 's house and wait for the state plows to clear the last stretch of mountain road . When they finally arrived , the dirt road to Cornelius ' cabin was buried . Carl parked on the paved road , and they hauled everything a mile through the woods by sled . Now it was 4 : 15 . The cabin was cold , and it wouldn 't warm up until Cornelius started a fire . Which he couldn 't do until he split this log . Cornelius brought the ax down , hard . The axhead missed and the haft struck the log , jarring the handle out of his hands . The log toppled off the chopping block into the snow . " Not just now . " Cornelius picked up his ax . " This log has insulted my honor . " " Hi , Grandpa ! " Corey shuffled out of the woods on skis , carrying an overstuffed backpack that made him look like a turtle on its hind legs . " I can ski really good now ! I only fell once ! " " Very good . " Cornelius offered the boy a token smile , not large enough to show his teeth . The boy was entertaining , to be sure , but nothing had much amused Cornelius since Ingrid 's death . " Brush that avalanche off your pants before you go in . " Corey picked up a grocery bag and followed Carl into the house . They shut the door behind them - unnecessarily , as it was no warmer inside than out . Cornelius brushed the snow off the log and turned it over so that the end he 'd been hacking at faced downward when he set the log on the chopping block . Perhaps the other end would be less fossilized . When the snow had forced them off the highway , Carl had steered for the home of Ellery Greer . Ellery was a regular stop on the way to the cabin , but this year Cornelius wished to avoid her . He pointed to a diner , but the parking lot was full . When Carl got back on the road to Ellery 's , Cornelius could no longer object . " And where is your lovely wife ? " Ellery had asked as soon as Cornelius hung his parka inside her door . Cornelius froze , looked at Carl , and shook his head . He hadn 't told Ellery of Ingrid 's death . Ellery blanched when Carl gave her the essentials . She asked question after question , and when Cornelius ' answers grew short she went on about her own husband , Jake , who had died three years earlier . Ellery said she still thought of Jake every day . Cornelius wondered if that were true . Would he think of Ingrid daily in three years ? Would he want to ? Would he still be alive , himself ? Would he want to be ? It occurred to Cornelius that for the past two months he 'd been like a man walking on a thin shelf of ice . Everything felt solid as long as he stepped carefully , but a single misstep , or a jostle from someone like Ellery , and he found himself gasping in cold , open water . Cornelius was almost shivering when he left Ellery 's house . Not that nervous energy helped him where the log was concerned . It was like trying to split a stalagmite . " All right . " Cornelius leaned his ax against the chopping block . " Let us not incinerate a perfectly good house . " Cornelius opened the back door and the smell of creosote greeted him , the residue from decades of wood fires . Cornelius surveyed the kitchen : the little gas refrigerator ; the rough mead table , flanked by split - log benches ; the cast iron stove against the whitewashed chimney . Cornelius ' stomach clenched . It had been weeks since he 'd thought of calling her . At home he had grown used to her absence . Here , though , it felt fresh again , sharp as the smell of creosote . " Do not put bread there , " Cornelius said . " It will freeze . Put it in the refrigerator . " Corey handed over the bread . " The refrigerator is warmer than the cabinet ? " " It will be the warmest spot in the house , " Cornelius said " But I must light it first . " Cornelius sat and opened the gas valve under the refrigerator door . There was no sound , and immediately he knew why . The propane tank outside wasn 't turned on . How had Carl overlooked this ? " I don 't know . " Corey opened the refrigerator door and set the bread on the top shelf . " Corey , " Cornelius started again , " has your father tried to light the refrigerator ? " Cornelius stood , opened the back door , and walked to the propane tank under the kitchen window . By the woodshed , Carl was working Cornelius ' log down to kindling . Carl slammed the ax into the chopping block , and the wood flew away , making bright yellow splinters in the snow . Cornelius opened the hand wheel on the propane tank . He thought of saying something , but what was there to say ? If Carl had asked for the ax directly , Cornelius would have refused . And how much kindling would they have now ? Cornelius crossed the porch and Corey greeted him at the kitchen door . " I found the matches ! " Corey said . " Very good . " Cornelius knelt again at the refrigerator . Now , when he opened the valve , the gas hissed and made a familiar , cabbagy smell . Cornelius struck a match against the side of the box . It didn 't light . He tried another . It wouldn 't light either Cornelius ran his thumb along the side of the matchbox . He shook his head . The door opened . Carl came in and set an armload of wood on the stove . " You get the fridge started ? " " Grandpa 's having trouble . " Corey handed Carl the matchbox . " The matches won 't light on the box . " Carl carried the matchbox across the kitchen and struck a match on the chimney stones . It lit . " Here you go , " he said . " Please don 't strike matches on the chimney , " Cornelius said , taking the match . " They leave a sooty residue . " " Crumple some newspaper , but not too tight . Now tent some kindling over it . Leave lots of space for air . Good . Take this match and light the newspaper here , then here . Start in the back of the stove , and bring the match toward you . Don 't reach across the fire . " The continuity of generations would have pleased Carl , if his mother were still alive . Or if his wife were here . Or if his father , lighting the wood furnace in the living room , weren 't making a God - awful racket , muttering to himself and clanging the cast iron lid . " I don 't know , " Carl said . " He 's upset . " Then , louder : " Pop , do you want a hand ? " There was no reply . The clanging stopped . Carl watched the tent of kindling catch fire in the stove box . " That 's good , " he told Corey . " Shove in a small piece of wood , maybe an eighth of a log , and close the door . " Corey did . Carl carried a pot to the kitchen sink , and pulled a package of hot dogs out of the refrigerator . He knifed open the package but couldn 't pry the hot dogs apart . " They 're frozen together , " he told Corey . " I might have to cook all ten of them . " Carl set the pot in the sink . He turned the tap . Only air rushed out , a little colder than the air in the cabin . " Crap , " Carl said . " Pipes must be frozen . " Because he 's almost eighty years old , Carl almost said , but he stopped when he realized he was being unfair . " Grandpa wasn 't here in October . " He put a hand on Corey 's shoulder . " He was with grandma , in the hospital . " " Oh , right . " Corey shrank under Carl 's hand . " I remember . " Carl looked out the window . As evening came on the temperature had fallen , and the freezing rain had turned back to snow . " We can still boil these hot dogs , " Carl said . " We 'll just gather some snow and melt it . " " Take the pot outside and put as much snow in it as you can . Really pack it in . It 'll shrink when it melts . " " I 'll make it tall and round , like a snow cone , " Corey said . After Corey took the pot outside , Carl walked into the living room . The wood furnace was crackling now , and Cornelius sat in the rocking chair next to the picture window . Ingrid 's sketchbook lay open in his lap . Carl looked over Cornelius ' shoulder . In the sketchbook his mother had drawn a nighttime forest scene , a quiet grove of fern and field stones under a canopy of paper birch . Shafts of moonlight fell through the trees and glistened against the birchbark . " Your mother drew it on our final visit . " Cornelius pointed . " Look closely . " On a branch near the edge of the page a pair of eyes shone through a mask of feathers . The barred owl , quiet and observant , was his mother 's signature . Ingrid used animal totems for all of her family . Cornelius was a black bear . Carl was a bull moose whose antlers grew a bit larger every year . When Carl married Millicent , the moose acquired a mate which Ingrid called a " doe . " Technically a female moose should be called a cow , but Ingrid had tactfully avoided that term . She was like that . Cornelius turned the page . In the next sketch , Ingrid had drawn the bull moose with colossal antlers , standing on a bluff overlooking the river . On the far bank , the doe climbed from a low sandbar into the dense forest . A faun stood awkwardly on a stone in the middle of the river , its head lowered between its bony front legs , unsure which bank to cross to . On the next page Ingrid had begun another sketch of the river . In this sketch , the season was late autumn , the cusp of winter . The beech and maple trees were nearly bare , and the stumps on the bank had been chewed to pencil points by beavers . The tip of the bluff had fallen into the river , and a hemlock tree lay submerged in the water . High above the river an owl flew upstream , her wings tucked back against her sides . In the direction she flew there should be forested hills and a mountain with a bald crooked peak . But Ingrid hadn 't drawn that part of the scene . The owl 's legs and tail trailed into the woods above the river , but her beak pointed toward the corner , where the paper was empty and white . Carl looked closer and saw that the drawing was complete . His mother had added all her highlights and lowlights , and written the date in the lower right . September 14 , about a month before her final heart attack . He looked again at the picture . A bear stood on the riverbank , looking up to watch the owl sail off the edge . " Rückert wrote this . On the shelf there sits a book with the English . " Cornelius stood and walked to the bookcase under the stairs . " Here . " He handed the book to Carl , open to the English translation : The beam of light was ready to return home / To that place whence all light comes . Carl walked into the kitchen and started pulling plates and glasses out of the cupboard . After a moment , Cornelius followed , opened the cupboard , and peeled the foil off a bottle of sparkling wine . " Will you take some Henkell Trocken ? " " Isn 't it frozen ? " Carl said . " Only the water content . " Cornelius poured two glasses . " Alcohol remains liquid well below zero . " He pushed a glass toward Carl . " So this wine is , what , 80 proof ? " Carl pushed the glass away . " I better not . I 've got more wood to split . " Cornelius woke in the dark . In his dream Ingrid had been sleeping in the next bed . Her breathing had grown labored and irregular , then stopped with a click in her throat . Cornelius waited for the breathing to resume . It didn 't . When he opened his eyes , the ceiling above his bed loomed startlingly close . Since boyhood Cornelius had been severely nearsighted , so that the bedroom would be gently blurred when he woke . Cataract surgery had changed this . Now the waking world was sudden and sharp . Cornelius closed his eyes . He counted to four , over and over - a technique that Ingrid had taught him for getting back to sleep . His thoughts wandered , and he saw Ingrid 's drawing with the owl flying off the edge of the page . He saw himself as a bear on the bank , turning his head to watch the owl fly away . The bear started walking after her , then broke into a run and headed for the edge of the page . When only the bear 's tail was visible , Cornelius woke again . His heart was pounding . Panes of reflected moonlight spotlit the whorls and knots in the ceiling boards . He was inside a pine box . No , not pine , he chided himself . The ceiling is red spruce . Do not be maudlin . Cornelius climbed out of bed and creaked down the stairs . The treads felt cold , even through his wool socks . Downstairs the furnace still crackled , but the sparks came at long intervals . Cornelius thought of adding a fresh log , but he didn 't want to wake Carl . He didn 't want to answer any questions . He closed the fly of his flannel pajamas . At the back door , he took his coat from the hook and shoved his feet into his ski boots . He tramped out to the woodshed and faced the woods , watching his breath float away . His urine cut the crust of the snow , steaming . The thought of returning inside made his heart race again . Ingrid was all over the house : her apron , her bed , her sketchbook . It had been a mistake to come up here . Cornelius ' skis stood next to the woodshed . He had propped them upright in the snow , but one had toppled in the night . He bent to pick it up , then straightened , set the ball of his foot on the ski , and gave it an experimental shove . It glided four feet along the crust before it came to rest . Carl woke in the dark . Corey lay in the other bed , his nose whistling as he slept . Carl folded his hands behind his head and tried to let the whistling lull him back to sleep . But his thoughts went elsewhere . It felt strange to wake in the cabin without his wife . As recently as this summer , Mill had slept next to him , her side pressed against his in this absurdly small twin bed . There was some chance they had conceived Corey right here , in this bed , eight years ago , though in those days they were having so much sex , everywhere , that it was difficult to pinpoint the time or place of conception . It hadn 't been like that for a while . After Christmas this year , Mill chose to stay with her parents in Boston instead of joining him at the cabin as she had in years past . She 'd wanted Corey to stay with her , too , and it had been a battle for Carl to pry him away . He 'd won the battle , but the victory was pyrrhic . One more such victory and he would leave the battlefield alone . Sometimes Carl wondered if his marriage was ending . And with that thought he knew he wouldn 't get back to sleep . Carl got up and walked out to the hallway . His parents ' door stood open . His mother 's bed was empty , of course , but he was surprised to see his father 's bed empty as well . Carl walked downstairs . He glanced in the open bathroom , but of course his father wouldn 't be there ; the plumbing was out . The living room was empty ; so was the kitchen . His father 's coat was missing from the hook on the back door . Carl opened the door . " Pop ? " He stepped onto the back porch , and looked out toward the woodshed . His father wasn 't there , and neither were his skis . " Pop ! " he shouted . Cornelius skied up the path through the woods . The full moon shone through gaps in the trees ; its light bounced blue off the crust of the snow . Where the trees opened , Cornelius could see the trail clearly , but where the woods drew close , the trail darkened and he skied from memory . It was a relief to be outdoors . Repeatedly since Ingrid 's death , Cornelius had lain awake , thinking he had nothing to look forward to , and yet in the morning he found the outdoors still had something to offer . He thought of the poem by Rückert he 'd read last night , later set to music by Mahler . Nun will die Sonn ' so hell aufgehn , Als sei kein Unglück die Nacht geschehn . And now the sun rises , as brightly as if no misfortune had passed in the night . The line has always sounded unbearably sad to him . It still did . But now he also noticed its undertone of affirmation . Exertion was also a relief . Cornelius ' pulse had been elevated since his dream - no , since his visit to Ellery . He might as well make use of the energy . Cornelius climbed the first hill , making herringbone tracks , and glided down the other side . He came to rest at the bottom of the hill , where the brook ran under the bridge and out to the river . The brook was frozen , and a moonlit blanket of snow lay on the ice . " Pop ! " he heard . It was Carl 's voice , muffled but unmistakable , probably coming from the other side of the hill . Cornelius considered the impression he would make if Carl found him like this . An old man , wandering off on a cold night , wearing pajama pants under a parka . It didn 't look good . He would be under a microscope for months . Carl 's snowshoes punched through the crust on the snow . He was running as fast as he could , but the snowshoes made his steps galumphing and mooselike . He wished he 'd brought his skis . Carl used to tell his mother not to worry about Pop , but now he realized she 'd worried for both of them . With his mother gone , Carl felt like his father 's last line of defense . He told himself it didn 't matter that it was five in the morning , that his father was seventy - eight , that he hadn 't told anyone where he was going . As he climbed the hill , Carl could see his father 's herringbone tracks , but after he went over the top he couldn 't see a damn thing . At the bottom of the hill , a little moonlight reflected off the frozen brook under the bridge , but it came from below . It did little to help him to see the trail . He pushed through the darkness until he came to a clearing where the moonlight shone through the trees . There were no tracks . He began to form a plan . He would return to the cabin , put on trousers and a sweater , and make himself a cup of tea . When Carl returned , he would be sitting by the picture window , reading next to a kerosene lamp . As long as he seemed collected , there would be nothing to talk about . So he 'd decided to take a solitary ski in the wee hours - what of it ? Actually , making tea wouldn 't work because there was no running water . But that was a detail . He could exploit it for distraction . " I had hoped to make tea , but as you know the pipes are frozen . Do you think Corey would like to melt more snow ? " Cornelius leaned out of the woods and peered down the trail . He saw Carl 's shadow in a clearing and watched it , waiting for it to shrink out of sight . But instead it stood still . It turned . It grew . Cornelius backed into the forest again . If he just stood there he was going to get caught . As difficult as it would have been to explain skiing in the dark , it would be more difficult to explain why he 'd been hiding . Carl snowshoed back along the trail . How could a man 's tracks simply disappear ? It didn 't make any sense . If his father had stopped and turned around , they would have met on the trail . Carl reached the bridge again , where the trees opened around the brook here and let some moonlight in . Carl bent to one knee and stared hard , following the ski tracks as far into the shadows as he could . The tracks bent into the woods , and Carl followed , hesitating , finding it hard to believe that his father had left the trail . The woods were so thick and dark , Carl couldn 't get very far on snowshoes . It would have been just as hard for his father , who was on skis . As soon as Cornelius stepped into the woods , he 'd need to find open ground . And that had to mean returning to the trail . Didn 't it ? There was one other possibility . Carl shuffled his snowshoes to the edge of the brook and looked down . In the snow on the frozen brook , he saw tracks . The tracks were scattered at first , then smoothed together into a pair of parallel traces following the brook downstream . Carl climbed down from the bank and followed the traces down the brook , expecting them eventually to cross to the far bank and into the woods . But they didn 't . He followed the tracks along the icy brook until the brook opened into the river . The river was much broader than the brook , and much deeper as well . Black water flowed swiftly down the middle , so that the river couldn 't freeze all the way over . Only a thin shelf of ice , dusted with snow , ran along the bank . Carl peered downstream . A tree leaned out over the water , its branches nearly brushing the ice shelf . The tree would fall in the spring flood , but for now it was like a toll gate with no one there to collect the toll . His father couldn 't have gone that way . Carl turned his head upstream . 100 yards away , a dim figure was skiing away from him on the ice shelf , its arms pumping up and down . It was wearing a dark parka over pants that looked blue in the moonlight . But Carl knew they were white . Cornelius skied forward , intently focused . Skiing on the ice was like the weeks after his cataract surgery : everything seemed shockingly vivid and clear . He breathed quietly as his skis scraped the snow . He listened for creaking in the ice . Black water rushed down the middle of the river . He tried to ignore it , but the danger focused his mind . " Pop ! " he heard . He was caught . There was little he could do . His original plan had been to take the ice shelf downstream , back to the cabin , but when that way was blocked , he 'd had to ski upstream , toward the road . And that path had led him here . He paused to consider what he could tell Carl . Nothing came to mind immediately , and he knew that pondering the situation wouldn 't improve it . He decided not to think about it , any more than he thought about the rushing water next to him . Cornelius shut everything out and skied forward . Carl gained on Cornelius , but slowed before he got too close . The ice shelf had held Cornelius , but if Carl drew closer it would need to hold both of them , and there was no guarantee it could do that . It occurred to Carl that there was a thin line between pursuing someone and chasing them away . He used to think he knew where that line was , but over the last year he 'd repeatedly found himself on the wrong side of it with his wife . You couldn 't catch anyone ; they had to want to come to you . Trying to rescue his father , he could break the ice and drown them both . On the riverbank next to him , there was an opening between the trees . Carl put his hands on the bank and pushed himself up , using the same movements he used to clamber out of a swimming pool . He got his snowshoes under him , grabbed hold of a birch tree , and straightened . Carl threaded a thin path around the tree trunks along the bank . It was slow going in snowshoes , and he fell behind his father at first . But Cornelius slowed , and Carl caught up again . The ice shelf narrowed until Cornelius could only use one ski pole , and then he couldn 't use his ski poles at all . He held both poles in his left hand and shuffled his skis along the ice shelf , using his right hand to grab hold of shrubs and roots along the bank . The river turned , and Cornelius saw there was no way to continue . After the ice shelf rounded the bend , it was barely a ski 's breadth wide . And even that didn 't continue for long before it was indistinguishable from frost . Cornelius stopped . There was no going forward anymore , and no going back . No choices but up onto the bank , or out into the river . In truth , there had never been any other choices . Cornelius looked out at the water , then up at the bank . The bank was low here - more than a stair step , but a step he could manage , perhaps with help . Cornelius looked up and saw his son 's tall shadow in the trees . The shadow stepped forward . " I am ready , " Cornelius told the shadow . He passed his ski poles to his right hand and held them out toward Carl . Carl took the poles , and Cornelius raised his right ski to climb onto the bank . Under his left ski the ice shelf gave way . Cornelius reached out for Carl , but his hand grasped at air . The sky was where the bank had been . Ice - cold water filled his boots and soaked his pajamas . He gasped . He heard a splash begin before his head went under . Cornelius bobbed up and reached for the bank , but his hands slapped open water . The current pulled him downstream , and from the corner of his eye he saw a low branch aiming for his head . He ducked . Cornelius reached up and seized the branch . Which turned out not to be a branch at all , but one of his ski poles . Carl , holding the other end , fell chest - down onto the bank . The fall knocked Carl 's breath out . His left snowshoe popped off . But he held on to the ski pole with both hands . And so did Cornelius . " I 'm going to reel you in , " Carl strained to say . " Can you grab hold of something ? " " Okay , " Carl said . " All right . " He rose to his knees , then squatted and slowly straightened his legs . He towed Cornelius upstream to a low spot on the bank , not far from where Cornelius had finally decided to come on shore . Carl pulled Cornelius in , putting hand over hand on the ski poles until he reached Cornelius ' wrists . Carl knelt again and wrapped his arms around Cornelius ' chest , but he couldn 't lift Cornelius clear . When he tried , something caught at Cornelius ' leg . " What 's that ? " Carl asked . " Moment , " Cornelius said . He twisted sideways , and his right hand emerged from the water , holding one dripping ski . " Pop . " Carl took the ski and shook his head . " Just shake them loose . " Cornelius drew his knees under him . His legs were trembling . Carl scooped under his armpits and helped him to his feet . " How you feeling ? " Carl asked . " I am all right , " Cornelius said . " Only . . . " Carl nodded . " Let 's go home . " He put his arm around Cornelius and they started through the woods toward the cabin . Carl looked at his watch ; it read 5 : 45 . Good . Corey should still be sleeping . Carl would get his father home , get him into dry clothes , and all would be well . Corey woke . In his dream his grandmother had been frying eggs in the kitchen , but when his eyes opened the cabin was quiet and cold . His father 's bed was empty . His grandparents ' bedroom was empty . The kitchen was empty . Before breakfast his father and grandfather often split wood , but this morning Corey didn 't hear an ax . When he looked out the back door there was no one standing at the woodshed . His grandfather 's skis , which Corey remembered sticking up from the snow , were gone . His father 's snowshoes were gone as well . Corey searched the house for a note . There wasn 't any . Corey thought of calling his mother , but phones didn 't work in this part of the valley . He remembered what his father had told him once , once when they 'd got separated at the airport . Just stay where you are . You 're much easier to find if you 're not moving around . Corey looked for something to read . There wasn 't much . Half the books on the shelf were in German , and hardly any had pictures . One had a cover with a slim explorer in a white shirt looking up at a giant stone head . The title was a word that Corey had never read before : Aku Aku . He thought it was German until he noticed the subtitle in English : The Secret of Easter Island . He thought it was a fantasy book , like the C . S . Lewis that his father had been reading to him , but in the first pages he learned that the giant stone heads were real . They were on a remote island , " the loneliest spot on earth , " and no one knew how they 'd got there . The people who 'd made them had disappeared . Carl held Cornelius ' wrist and took his pulse . Cornelius ' heart beat 30 times in 15 seconds . That was 120 beats a minute . " What is it ? " Cornelius asked . " I don 't think I got a good read , " Carl said . " The wrist is a tough spot for me . Let me feel behind your ear . " Carl put his arm around Cornelius and coaxed him uphill . There was no point rushing . Cornelius was going as fast as he could ; his breaths were quick and shallow . Carl tried to keep his own breathing deep and calm . When they reached the car , the door was frozen shut . Carl took off his snowshoes and beat the passenger door until he could work the handle . He opened the door and helped Cornelius settle into the passenger seat . Carl reached across Cornelius , stuck his key in the ignition and turned it . Mercifully , the engine started . Carl beat open the driver 's door and got behind the wheel . He turned on the blower , but it was just cold air . When he turned it off , he could hear Cornelius ' teeth chattering . Carl leaned back in his chair and sighed . " Take off your pajamas . " " They 're soaked , " Carl leaned across Cornelius and unzipped his down parka . " Take the parka off , take the shirt off . Put the parka back on . You 'll feel a lot warmer . " Cornelius ' hands were trembling . Carl helped him to unbutton his pajama top and tossed it in the back seat . He helped Cornelius to zip the parka . It didn 't feel unnatural ; he 'd helped Corey with a zipper just yesterday . He reached behind his seat for the scraper . It wasn 't there . He pulled the trunk lever under the steering wheel . It didn 't pop . He shook his head and pulled the key out of the ignition . As he thumped the trunk with his snowshoe , Carl realized what must have happened . Millicent - thump - who liked things tidy - thump - had seen the scraper in the back seat - thump - and thought it needed putting away . Thump ! The ice on the trunk shattered and Carl opened the trunk . Sure enough , there was the scraper . He scraped the windows and climbed back into the driver 's seat . The visibility still wasn 't great . Most of the snow was gone , but there was still a layer of ice , rippled like antique glass . If he could just run the blower for a few minutes , it would melt and clear . " How you feeling ? " he asked Cornelius . " If I give you my pants , can you wait for the car to warm up ? " The last time Carl had taken his pants off in a car , he 'd been nineteen years old . It was a warm summer night . His purpose had been different . This was long before Millicent . Cornelius slid the pants on . " They are a bit large , " he said . " I always gain some weight around the holidays , " Carl said . " They 're warm , right ? " " They are , " said Cornelius . " This is very good of you . " It was true . At this hour , there was little chance of meeting another car on the road . If a car did come , its headlights would show through the ice on the window . Carl put the car in gear and rolled ahead . He crunched into a snowbank . They sat in silence . Carl wondered if Corey was awake , but shut the thought out , realizing there was nothing he could do about it . He could only solve one problem at a time . If that . Carl looked at the ice on the windshield . He looked at the radio . Corey set Aku - Aku down . On the table next to the picture window his grandfather had left a book of poems open . Corey couldn 't read the German , but the facing page offered an English translation : I often think : they have only just gone out , The sky was just starting to brighten , and the mountain cast a long shadow down the river . The wall thermometer read 53 . Corey opened the lid of the furnace and saw the big smoldering log collapsing into ashes . He dropped in a handful of crumpled newspaper , and when it caught fire he went to the kitchen woodpile for kindling . He dropped the kindling into the furnace and watched it go up . He had nothing larger than the kindling , though , and in a couple of minutes the fire burned out again . Corey rubbed his hands . His father had told him never to light a fire without an adult in the room , but where was his father , anyhow ? He looked again at his grandfather 's book of poems and read the last stanza . They 've just gone out ahead of us . Out the window the forest path led away from the cabin , a mile through the woods to the paved road . It was the only way out of here . His father must have taken it . They would meet sooner if he followed than if he waited here . Corey took his coat off the hook on the back door . His zipper jammed halfway up . He put on his ski boots , but he couldn 't fasten them to his skis . His ski boots had broad , smooth soles , and as he walked into the woods he made a game of walking lightly on the crust , trying not to break through . Step on a crack , break your mother 's back . Break through the crust , turn your father to dust . The trees towered over him , like stone faces . By the time Carl reached Ellery 's cabin , the car heater was on full blast . For the first part of the drive he 'd set the fan to blow up the windshield , but once that was clear , he reset it to blow on his legs . Carl always blew the heater on his legs because he knew warm air would rise through the rest of the car . Today it made extra sense because he wasn 't wearing pants . Carl pulled into Ellery 's driveway . As soon as he got out of the car , he was cold again . Gooseflesh crawled up his legs until his scrotum tightened . He rang Ellery 's bell and waited . At 6 : 20 , still two hours before sunrise , he didn 't expect her to answer immediately , but it was hard to be patient . The porch light came on , and Ellery opened the door , wearing a long flannel nightgown . She looked down . Her eyebrows rose when she saw Carl 's underwear . Carl returned to the car and opened the passenger door . Cornelius took his hand and stood . When they came in the front door , they heard water running in the back of the house . " Come back here ! " Ellery shouted . Cornelius nodded at Ellery , and she left the room . Cornelius dropped Carl 's pants to the floor . Carl offered his hand , and Cornelius took it without protest . He held on until he 'd lowered himself safely into the water . Ellery nodded . " What happened ? " " I don 't know . I woke up before dawn and Pop was gone . I went out and found him skiing on the ice . " " Yeah . " Carl laughed . " About a million times , since I was a kid . He 'd say he was going out for a little walk , and then he wouldn 't come back for three hours . It drove my mom nuts . " " He 'd come back covered in mud , scratches , mosquito bites . But he was always fine . He 'd usually had a great time . Still : this seemed different . " Ellery sipped her rum . Carl continued , " Of course , who could he tell , exactly ? My mom 's not around , and what 's he going to do , wake me and Corey up ? Say he 's going out to ski in the dark ? " " I do . And sometimes I wonder if it makes things worse . " Corey reached the paved road . He 'd come all the way through the woods without meeting his father or grandfather , and now he saw that their car wasn 't where they had parked it . Where were they ? He wasn 't sure how far Ellery 's cabin was , but he had a feeling it was downhill . He started down the road , but then remembered something his father had told him . People are lazy . They never go uphill when they can go down . Whenever someone gets lost in the mountains , Corey 's father said , they 're almost always downhill from where they ought to be . Driving back to the cabin , Carl 's nerves were buzzing . He had to remind himself to drop his shoulders because , if he forgot , they rose to his ears . He kept telling himself he had nothing to worry about . His father was safe at Ellery 's ; his son was safe in the cabin . Still , he wouldn 't feel it was over until they were all together in one place . Carl parked on the paved road and got his snowshoes out of the trunk . He started down the trail . The sun wasn 't up yet , but the sky had finally started to lighten , and where the woods weren 't too thick , Carl could see where he was going . His jog to the cabin went quickly . When he took off his snowshoes and opened the back door , the cabin was quiet . Good . That meant that Corey was still asleep . " Corey ! " Carl climbed the stairs two at a time . " You 're not going to believe what happened . " Carl checked every room . There was no sign of Corey , except for a book - Aku - Aku - on the table by the picture window . It was one of his father 's favorites , but the stone heads always gave Carl the creeps . Next to Aku - Aku lay the book of German poems from last night - the Kindertotenlieder , songs of dead children . Fucking perfect . Carl knew the songs all too well : Wenn deine Mütterlein tritt zur Tür herein . When your dear mother comes to the door , I look to the empty space by the threshold , where your face should be . In diesem Wetter , in diesem Braus . In this weather , I never should have let the children out . Corey 's coat was missing from the hook on the back door . Carl circled the outside of the cabin , hoping without conviction that Corey was just relieving himself . He wasn 't . Corey 's skis were propped up in the snow by the woodshed , but that didn 't mean anything . Corey usually needed help to fasten them . Carl fastened his snowshoes and ran back through the woods , toward the paved road , much faster than he had jogged to the cabin . As he ran , Carl imagined explaining to Millicent how he 'd lost their son . He started defending himself , as he often did when he spoke to his wife . Granted , the morning wasn 't going well , but looking back it was hard to see what he should have done differently . Should he not have gone after his father ? Should he not have driven to Ellery 's ? Could he have come back to the cabin any sooner ? He could have left a note , as Ellery suggested , but he , at least , was planning to come back before Corey woke . Still , it didn 't help to feel sorry for himself . The task before him was simple . Find his son , then never speak of this morning again . In the woods he saw intermittent holes where Corey 's ski boots had broken the crust on the snow . But when he reached the road there were no tracks to follow . The plow had squeezed the snow so flat that a 60 - pound boy in smooth - soled ski boots wouldn 't make a mark . Carl walked to the car and popped the trunk . He took off his snowshoes . If Corey left the cabin recently , they would have met on the trail . So he must have left earlier and reached the road before Carl returned with the car . The only question was which way he had turned . Carl got behind the wheel and rolled slowly downhill . He drove around one bend , then another . He set the trip odometer , and when it ticked past a mile he took his foot off the gas . He was two miles from the cabin now , maybe two and a half counting the stretch before he 'd set the odometer . It was hard to believe that Corey had come this far . It was physically possible , Carl supposed , if Corey had left the house very early , while Carl was still on the river , and if he 'd walked at full adult speed , three miles an hour , for the whole time . But then Carl must have missed Corey on the road when he came back from Ellery 's . It just didn 't make sense . Carl stopped the car . It was just a two - lane road and the shoulders were piled with snow , so he had to make a three - point turn , and then another one , before the car faced uphill again . He drove quickly back to his parking place , at the head of the forest trail , then reset the odometer , shifted down , and continued slowly uphill , resisting the urge to go faster , carefully scanning both shoulders of the road . He rolled past the roadside rental cabins , past the moose crossing , past the entrance to the snowmobile trail . And when the odometer clicked past seven tenths of a mile he saw his boy , head down , hands in his jacket pocket , walking slowly along the shoulder of the road . Carl 's shoulders dropped . Evidently they 'd been hunched around his ears again . He rolled down the window and pulled alongside Corey . " Hey there , " he said . Corey stopped and looked into the car . " Dad ! " His coat was unzipped , and his face was streaked with tears . " Where you going ? " Carl asked . Ellery opened the door . " There you are , " she told Carl . " And there you are ! " She leaned down toward Corey . " I was starting to worry about you two . " " Hallo . " Cornelius sat at the table , his face ruddy . Something milky sat in a short tumbler on the table in front of him . He wore a terrycloth bathrobe . " About the vodka . " Carl looked at Ellery . " Or getting lost . Or grandpa falling through the ice . Shit , Corey . " Carl sipped his white Russian . " Don 't tell her anything . " Ceinwen HaydonSeptember 13 , 2016 at 8 : 35 AMA beautiful , fluent style of writing that lingers on details and develops characterisations and the tension of the plot with real sensitivity . A rewarding read that is multi - layered in its impact . Very many thanks , CeinwenReplyDeleteAnonymousSeptember 13 , 2016 at 3 : 30 PMi was totally drawn in by the detail , beautifully descriptive and in Cornelius a very convincing character . Fine readMike McC ReplyDeleteAnonymousOctober 9 , 2016 at 1 : 40 PMThe dialogue is used well , not just to move the story along , but to reveal the characters and give the story the right pace . A successful piece of work . And a white Russian is one of my favourite drinks ! S . Lucas ReplyDeleteAdd commentLoad more . . . |
Dick and I continued on in our relationship . Despite the fact I had just turned 15 and he was 4 years older we had a surprisingly mature relationship . I 'm sure it had to do with how fast I had grown up and the fact Dick was an old soul . When I turned 15 my Dad had bought me my first car . Not that I needed it then , but owning a Service Station , he was a man who loved the automobile and he was really excited to have me living there . I have to back track a moment here . When my Mom and Dad divorced my Dad went out and bought himself a new car , it was a ' 67 Charger . If you are not familiar with this body style , it was only made for 2 years , ' 66 and ' 67 . They were a really neat looking car and you rarely see one on the road anymore or even in a car show . I just loved that car and when I was 5 I made him promise me he would save it for me until I was 16 . He said he would . . . lol Of course it and many other cars passed through our lives , but interestingly enough when I turned 15 and he decided he needed to start looking for a car for me he found a ' 66 Charger . We went to go look at it and I must say it wasn 't pretty . Of course it had theh beautiful body lines and the neat features , but it also had rust , ugly wheels and someone had painted it baby blue . He got me to see past those things and he bought the car for about $ 600 I do believe . He was like a little kid , he was so excited . So while he had not saved his ' 67 , he had delivered on his promise . More to come on the car . There was something else I had always wanted in my life and that was a horse . When I was 11 and I was still living with my Mom we had a place to keep a horse but of course my Mom claimed there was no money for one . My Dad bought one for me and paid for everything related to it , tackle , food , upkeep , everything . I enjoyed him quite a bit , but he was a pretty feisty horse , so when I moved in with my Dad we traded him for a calmer one . This new horse was really a beauty . He was a chesnut color with a white blaze on his face and his name was Fury . I had to board him at a place not terribly far from home because we didn 't have a place for him . Dick enjoyed Fury too , so many nights after dinner he drove me out to see Fury and we would take long rides through the trails . It was fun , romantic and really made beautiful memories . Those rides were so therapuetical for me . We used to talk about anything and everything as Fury walked along the trails . Dick was such a safe person to talk to , what you said to him stopped with him . I had not been raised with any religous background , but I did learn at that point in my life , God puts who you need in your life when you need them . It would definitely appear I was quickly becoming a priviledge teen , having a car at 15 and my horse . And , I guess I was , but considering my background , I didn 't take anything for granted and was grateful for the smallest of things . I felt so different then other kids and I felt like it could be read on my face . This was significant for me . It bothered me . I had started school a little late and of course didn 't know anyone when I did start , so I was just trying to get my bearings . I was in 10th grade now and was going to Webster Groves High School . Of course like any school there were the different cliques and social groups . I can remember times just watching groups of kids chatting together in the halls or before class and thinking how they looked like they were so " in the moment " . I didn 't know how to do that around groups of kids . When Dick and I were Dick , being older and out of school , had his own car , which was a ' 72 Olds 442 . It was really a beautiful car . I loved it . It was now 1976 so his car was very new and he took good care of it . Since we were going to the Lake every weekend and my car needed to be driven from time to time , my Dad offered him my car to drive every other weekend to the Lake . This would keep his car from getting a bunch of miles on it and would get my car on the road . Dick liked the idea so that 's what we did . I liked the idea too because I got to enjoy my car some since I was not able to drive it yet . Dick and I did all kinds of things at the Lake , from ice skating to dirt bike riding , but the best memories were the chats we had . I felt like no one understood me like he did . By now I was definitely in love with him . I don 't know if ever was with me , because it remained unspoken , probably because of my age and my fears . I couldn 't imagine life without him . I mentioned I had no real friends at school . . . . well there was a girl that befriended me . Her name was Beth . It was really odd because she seemed to come out of no where . She was also two years older so I wasn 't sure why she was bothering with me or how she even found me . She approached me one day and introduced herself , she was really friendly and clearly wanted to be friends . I was really excited to have a friend so I tried not to analyze it to death . Beth and I talked for a couple of days at school , then one day when Dick picked me up from school , which he often did , I mentioned her to him . Well , it turned out she was an old girlfriend of his that was not over him . She had worked with him back in his Dairy Queen days . She apparently had been watching and noticed him picking me up from school . She wanted a connection back to him . I confronted her about it the next day , but oddly enough , we really did enjoy our friendship , so it continued . She realized it would not get Dick back and was okay with that . Dick wasn 't too happy about it at first , but he realized it didn 't change anythinWhen summer came that year Beth and I came up with this idea . We would get jobs at the Lake and live there for the summer . I approached my Dad about it and he decided we could do it . You 'll never believe how that went . . . . I will pick up here next week . . . They say you " never forget your first love " . Well , I guess that 's true in a sense , I have never forgotten my first love , but I 've also not forgotten other loves througout my life either . I think you just remember meaningful love in general . Dick was my first love , but more importantly he was one of a few Angels that have passed through my life just when I needed them most . The day I met Dick was just another day . I had walked up to the Station which was only 2 blocks from our house and my Dad was talking to Dick . He immediately introduced me to him . I was smitten at that very moment . Dick had deep brown eyes that felt like they could see the core of your soul through your eyes . I remember thinking how he must have a girlfriend , and if not , plenty of girls to choose from . I didn 't think he would ever be intrested in me , 4 years younger , the bosses daughter , still had my braces on . . . . need I say more . . ? I did find out he had a job at the Dairy Queen down the street as a Manager . He was apparently keeping it a while longer until he was sure things worked out for him at the Station since he had recently been hired on there . One evening I had been at the school for a group I was part of and afterwards we decided to go to DQ to get an ice cream . Much to my excitement he was working . To be honest , I just enjoyed catching a glimps of him . As we were all sitting there chatting and laughing , next thing I know he comes over and sits next to me and asks how I 'm doing . I couldn 't believe it . My heart was racing inside , but this time for good reasons . We chatted a bit and then he went back to work . Well , now I was sure I was in love . . . so funny how things are at that age . The very next weekend , on Saturday I walked up to the Station to say hi to my Dad and hang out a bit . I had an alteriative motive , Dick worked on Saturday 's and I wanted to see him again . Well much to my disappointment he was off work . It turned out he only worked every other Saturday and this was not his Saturday to work . I hung around a bit , trying my hardest to not let any disappointment show . No one knew I had this crush on Dick . As I was walking across the lot , much to my surprise , he pulled in , and when he did , he got out of his car , looked across the roof at me and motioned for me to come over . I wanted to turn around and see who was standing behind me . . lol I could not believe he wanted to talk to me . So I walked over and we started chatting . He wanted to know what I was up to and if I was busy . Of course I wasn 't . He told me he had a bunch of errands to run and asked if I wanted to ride along and keep him company . OMGosh . . . . me , ride around with you for a while , I couldn 't believe it . I checked with my Dad who was fine with it and off we went . Dick was really sweet . He was very curious as to what had happened with me , because he was hearing bits and pieces around the Station . Despite the fact he grew up in a solid family , he was very compassionate about my situation and was not judgemental in any way . I don 't think the butterflies settled down in my stomach for hours after he dropped me back off . This went on a few more times , we just kind of hung out together , until he asked me to go to dinner and ice skating . By now he knew all about Michelle , my Mom and all the dynamics related to how I ended up at my Dads . The cool thing was , he not only asked me to dinner and ice skating , but he told me if I could get it worked out , he would drive me to Michelle 's so she could join us and I could spend time with her . I couldn 't believe it . It was such a generous offer and I had not seen Michelle in months by now and boy did I miss her . Now I just had to figure out how to make it happen . I was desperate to see Michelle , so getting up the nerve to call my Mom wasn 't that hard . Besides what could she do to me that she hadn 't already done ? He nosiesness and curiousity far outweighed anything else , so she was happy to let us come out and pick up Michelle . Michelle was so excited . This is where Dick was an Angel . How else would I have been able to see Michelle ? I couldn 't drive out there myself yet . So his volunteering this gift was amazing and life changing for myself and Michelle . We drove out there and those old familiar knots were right back in my stomach . I didn 't know how she would behave around Dick and I didn 't want her to act like a fool and embarass me . I 'm sure she knew he had been told plenty about her , so she acted like June Cleaver . She had cookies to serve and behaved as if she was Mother of the Year . She welcomed him with open arms , took an interest in him , and chatted away . We had a wonderful night after we left . We laughed , Dick teased and had fun with Michelle at the ice rink . It was a night you never forget . One of those memories that brings that same smile right back to your face . I was really falling for Dick , but in a deeper way because now he had helped my heart in a deeper , healing way , like only an Angel can do . There were more nights like that to follow and many more memories made . Dick even started spending his weekends with us when we went to Lake of the Ozarks . He would ride down there with usxxoo Hello Everyone ! I want to thank all of you who have stopped by the read and take an interest in my life . Many of you have left very sweet comments after reading various segments I 've posted . I really appreciate your kindness and the recognition of my strength to have risen above the experiences of my childhood years . Before I continue with my life story , I also wanted to respond to the many inquiries Mike has received asking how I am doing . I 'm happy to say " Thank you " for the many prayers and well wishes , because I 'm doing much better . I haven 't had any more panic attacks , my heart doesn 't feel like it 's going to race right out of my chest and I 've been able to relax more . My craft room is organized , and while I haven 't crafted as of yet , I 'm hoping to start making Christmas cards next week . The one thing I have noticed is that I haven 't felt this " safe " and relaxed since before I was involved in social media . I like how I feel so I 've made the decision not to return to social media with the exception being that I will continue to blog . I will simply socialize with my close virtual friends . I may try to find a small group or community where I can share pictures of my work and get inspired by others , but I haven 't decided on that for sure yet . Ok , back to where I left off . My Mom and Butch arrived back home before my Dad could make it out there . I was a nervous wreck . I handed the paperwork to my Mom and said , " this came while you were gone " . She opened it up and went nuts . She didn 't know who to be swearing about first , she was swearing about my Dad taking her to court over the custody , and swearing at me for answering the door . I think I even learned a few new words that morning . She was yelling at me " who in the hell do you think you are answering the door , you don 't live here " . Then she would switch to " and if your _____ Dad thinks he 's getting custody , he has another thing coming to him " . The whole time I 'm thinking a million thoughts . . . what if my Dad doesn 't get custody , how will I finish school ? where will I go to school ? how is this all going to work out ? and " where the heck is he , I need him to pick me up ! ! ! ! " Finally I heard a honk outside and I was out the door , but not without hearing " get the hell out of my house and don 't you ever come back " . So much for my first visit back to see my so called family , and all the while stood my 7 year old little sister , listening and taking it all in . I don 't know who suffered the most damage that morning . I guess it would be a toss up . After I got in the car with my Dad and shared with him how it went , which by theh way , he felt terrible about , I learned what was probably her biggest reason for being so mad . The divorce decree stated my Dad had to pay child support while she had custody of me , so even though I was no longer living with my Mom , my Dad was paying her weekly for my support . She didn 't want to lose her income . And , of course she wanted my dad to " PAY " in every way she could think of because she was just plain angry at the world . Needless to say there were no more visits out there , at least for quite some time . I missed Michelle and worried about her all the time . That never left my mind , even as I grew up , the worry changed over to guilt , and at times regret . Meanwhile I went to school at Webster Groves High School . I was now in 10th grade . I had started Kindergarten at 4 years old , so I was always the youngest kid in the classroom . I was now 15 . I did well in school , somehow by the Grace of God I had always done well in school . I was a straight A student with the exception of gym class . I didn 't like this school much though . There were a lot of kids in class that were disruptive and many of the teachers spent a lot of time " babysitting " rather then teaching . It wasn 't good because I needed something to focus on and keep my mind off of my life . Plus I really did enjoy learning , I liked school overall . The court date was nearing and it was constantly in the back of my mind . I didn 't know what to expect . My Mom was such a loose canon . I also didn 't know what would be expected of me there . I was 15 , I had never been through anything like this . I did know one thing , my Dad had to win custody and that worred me too . . . what if he didn 't win , then what would happen to me . I was a ball of knots at times over it all . Finally the day arrived and we all went to the courthouse , my Dad , Betty and myself . We got called for our case to be heard and wouldn 't you know it , my Mom didn 't even bother to show up . Her attorney was there to represent her . She was making her statement to let me know I wasn 't worth her time and she had no interest in having me as her daughter . She may have thought it was her last hourah , but it was my ticket to freedom and I couldn 't have been happier that she didn 't show . The judge asked her attorney first to hear what he had to say and he said some garbage about me being an unruley child that was difficult to handle and other nonsence I can 't even remember . So then the judge asked my Dad if he found the statements my Mom 's attorney had said to be true . My Dad responded of course with " no , he found me to be a very compliant and easy child to deal with " . The the judge asked me who I wanted to live with and I said of course , " my Dad " . At that moment , he put down the gavel and said , " custody is awarded to the Father , Mr . Robert ____ " . and it was over ! I felt like I was walking on air when I left there , we were all smiles , for the first time in many years we were all free of my Mom , she no longer had any control over any of us ! ! What a day it was . We all went to lunch to celebrate . From that day forward I felt like I could really start my life , make plans , actually live like normal , oh my gosh it felt good . In all my happiness and changes in life something else was developing . I had caught the eye of one of the guys who worked for my Dad . He had caught my eye the moment my Dad introduced us when I moved in with him . He was 4 years old then me and he was really good looking . Some people are put in your life as Angels , they are people you never forget . This guy , who 's name was Richard , but he went by " Dick " , was definitely an Angel . I 'll continue with this segement next week . . . . and if you think life is settled forever , you would be wrong . . . it couldn 't be that easy now could it . . Considering I am now 54 years old I am from the generation many of you are or close to it . In my life time I 've seen technology take over the world . I remember being a child and my best friend , Rene , was all excited because they got a " color " TV . She talked about things being in color and got me so excited about it I couldn 't wait to see it . I remember asking my Mom if I could go to Rene 's house to watch this new color TV and got the ok , so Rene and I were off , we walked up the street , talking about everything and nothing at the same time . We were all of 5 years old . I couldn 't wait . We sat down in her living room turned it on and there I sat with my eyes full of excitement , only to see a black and white show on the screen . Rene started changing channels , but not matter which channel she went to , the show was black and white . I remember thinking , surely something is wrong with their new TV . Her Mom was there so I said , " Mrs . Taylor , how do you make the shows color , everything is still in black in white " . She kind of chuckled and said , " the show has to have been recorded in color in order for it to appear in color " . Well that didn 't make any sense to me at all , and I thought this thing is just a big waste of money . Having no patience at all as 5 year olds are , Rene and I were out the door to do something fun . I had declared at that time , color TVs were a waste of money in my young mind . I grew up looking at technology through those same eyes all of my life . I remember my first class I took at work about " the internet " . The class was a bomb and nothing worked as it was supposed to . I sat there at the age of 35 remembering my 5 year old experience and thinking " internet is stupid , it does 't even work " . Now here I am at 54 and my husband is making a living using technology and the internet . But the most shocking has to be the world I created on the internet . The 5 year old who thought color TV was a bust , has made hundreds of beautiful , real friendships on the internet . Who would have thought ! , certainly not me . I 've always been very open with my virtual social world . I 'm a trusting soul who has believed their entire life , my life 's experiences were not only real , but maybe more common then others let on . I 've always thought sharing would help me fit in and people would realize I was more like them then it appeared . I thought sharing might help someone else feel they were not the only one . So , sharing like I always have on social areas of the internet was nothing new for me , I 've always shared , the internet just gave me more platforms to do it and the ability to reach a lot more people . Through sharing and being real I connected with so many of you . I think the part that surprised me the most has been the stories many of you have shared about how my sharing had a positive effect in one way or another on your life . That definitely makes me feel my life had a purpose as ugly as it was at times . Knowing it had a purpose changes everything about how I feel about my past . If it had a purpose , then it was all worth it and sharing was the best thing I could have ever done with those experiences . It inspires me to continue sharing . As Mike has told you , I 've not been well . I know you have all reached out in every way you can to help and be TRUE friends . I think some of you would have come through the computer to help if you could . I have been going through a bad time , and I know many of you have wondered what has happened and you 've only been left with a lot of speculation . After I received so many beautiful cards and messages from many of you , I knew I needed to end the speculation and share with you all in my words what has happened . I don 't recall the exact day , but the day Mike shared I had suddenly become ill and he was taking over , the YT and FB were gone and basically so was I , was a really scary morning . I have always struggled with stress . Have you ever noticed in life , whatever your best quality is , is also your worst ? For me that 's very true , and my best quality is my ability to get a million things done , keep all my commitments , and not let anyone down . It 's also my worst quality . So that I can do my best quality , I never let my mind or body rest . I never say , " it can wait until tomorrow " . So I had this going on . Then there was all the social areas on the internet I was involved in . Some of that was getting very difficult for me . I put my heart and soul into everything I share and lay it on the table basically . On YT I had to turn my " thumbs up / down " off because I had haters who actually waited for my videos to pop up and they would thumbs down them immediately . I would always have a couple thumbs down within minutes . Only I could see them , but that was the point . And because my videos were different , I frequently had people who would go to older videos and criticize how I spoke , the backgroud noise , the stories I told , etc . They would be really mean , and despite what anyone would say to the contrary about ignoring them - words hurt , and they stay in my mind , because that 's just who I am . So , I had this factor going on . Then there was the desperation we have for needing help in the store . That 's been something I never thought would be so hard . First , I never thought the store would grow that large . But it did , and help was and is necessary . We tried local and long distance help , only to have it go south in every case . I won 't go into details but I will say in every case I made the mistake of taking what happened personally . The problem for me is , if it happens again the future , I 'm sure I will take it personally then too . It 's who I am . So , there was this aspect of my life to deal with . The store is an entity all it 's own . It 's probably the most misunderstood I would imagine . I can 't tell you how many times I would hear , " I think your little store will be a success " . I won 't get into numbers here , except for one . The store grew very fast as many of you who have been there since the beginning know . Mike was able to quit his job literally years before we ever expected , and we were able to live our dream by moving to the country years before we ever thought we would be able to . The store is in the top 2 % of all Shopify stores right now and from what we 've learned is the size of a store that should have a staff of about 7 - 8 people running it . It 's doing well , so well Shopify also wants to run a feature story on the succes of it . I always tried to make each and every customer feel they were the only one . That was good , because I wanted people to feel as special as they really are to us , and it was bad because there were times people were asking for things they would never ask a bigger store to do , not realizing we had become a bigger store , and they would get angry with me if I explained to them we just were not staffed to meet their request ( for example , I frequently had customers ask me to email them before ordering items from a company they liked , just to check if they needed anything , I would get asked to email customers when something they wanted would be coming in so they didn 't have to watch for it on their own or watch the " what 's in the store " videos . People got angy with me when they would ask me to update their account information and I would instead explain they can do that on their own , or re - booting their computer because something wasn 't working properly on their computer ) . I was noticing more and more , that because I had been very responsive and one - on - one with each customer , if anything was a bit confusing , or they had the smallest amount of difficulty , rather then try to figure it out themselves first , they immediately emailed me . With 1500 + customers it became impossible to please I didn 't just feel pulled in every direction , I was . The store receives at least 60 - 100 emails a day alone . I also had people with a lot of unrealistic expectations giving me grief in misdirected ways and at abusive levels , clearly saying things they would never have been brave enough to say in person . I had viewers on YT telling me what to make next , and HOW to make it . They would see an older project I had done and ask me to do one like it , but in a specific theme they were requesting . If I didn 't craft for a few days because I was swammped in every other area of my life viewers would start writing saying " you need to craft more " . That would really anger Mike . He saw how busy I was and couldn 't believe the requests and demands people were making . In every direction people were telling me all of " things I should be doing " to entertain them . The night before I became ill there was some challenges going on with someone who I had at one time thought was a good friend . I was getting emails that had a threatening tone to them , and it was just the end for me . I had not shared this with anyone , but I had begun having small panic attacks , they were manageable , but they had begun . After that night with the unpleasant emails , it just all came together like a storm and I woke up about 7 : 00am unable to breath and had pain in my chest like I was having a heart attack . Mike rushed me to the ER and fortunately it was not a heart attack , but it was by far the worst panic attack I have ever experienced . That was it for Mike , and now I 'm in the background . I don 't see any emails , the channel is gone , my world is now quiet and it feels really good . The only thing I miss is blogging , because I do love to write . I 've never had any demands put on me here , no one has ever asked anything of me , or requested I do something else here for their entertainment , so I may continue this , I haven 't decided for sure yet . It 's why I chose this format to share what 's been going on , why things are as they are , and to say Thank you . I want to Thank the many of you who have sincerely care about my well being . Those that have taken the time to send me a card to share their concern , or to share a little story about what my sharing helped them get through something , or a time in their life . All of this means more to me then you could ever image . I want to thank those of you who have only cared if I got better . I 'm getting better , but it 's a slow process . I 've been drained to complete emptiness and it will take a long time for me to recoup from that . I need time to take care of myself . I don 't trust even opening an email for fear of what it might say because I have no energy to deal with anything right now . It will take a long time to come back from this place I 'm currently in . It 's not a good place , but it 's my place right now and as dark as it is I know being out of the reach of demands is necessary . As I mentioned I miss writing . I don 't think I 'm up to writing often , and not sure if I 'm up to sharing my past , but as I do get there , I will have Mike let you know in an email through the store . Thank you again for supporting him in his efforts to run the store on his own . He 's done fabulous and and I 'm so proud of him . He 's also been a protective and wonderful husband . He 's my rock right now that 's for sure . You all have a wonderful week . We are leaving tomorrow morning for our much needed vacation . Mike loaded the store with all the product coming in this week and he told me he has a giveaway planned for his return . So enjoy the store as well while we are gone . Again , thank you for the cards , you just don 't know how special they are to me . My eyes about pop out of my head every time Mike brings them home from the Post office because there are so many ! ! ! My being gone doesn 't mean I love any of you less , I need to be gone so I can love you all more in the future ! Note : I 'm keeping this real , so this segment will include some mild profanity . If this is offensive to you , you might want to skip this segment . As I mentioned , I had listened to the phone call my Dad made to my Mom , and he was more then decent , I heard with my own ears ! I knew and still know what was said that night . I got in the back seat of the car and felt like a trapped rat . It was a 2 door so once they were both in , I was stuck . I really don 't know why they showed up like they did . As soon as the doors were shut my Mom spun around in her seat , pointed her finger in my face and said , " I want to know what you told your Dad because he made me out to be a Bitch on the phone last night " ? My immediate response was " I told him what 's been going on " . . . but what I wanted to say and didn 't feel I could was , " I was listening to the phone call and that 's a lie " . I didn 't feel I could say that though because I was still a kid and I wasn 't supposed to be easedropping on the call , it was all so twisted . I wanted to speak my mind , I was in a difficult situation , but had been taught to respect your parents . Yet I was dealing with a juvinille parent that did not deserve any respect . . . but at my age how to you explain all that to your parent ? How do you say , " you need to grow up and act like a parent " ? So , there I sat , trying to figure out the right things to say to avoid getting my face slapped off , literally ! I didn 't succeed , I took one good blow to the face by my Mom . There just was no right words , at least none that were coming to me . Finally after I don 't know how long she said to Butch , " Coming here was a waste of my time , get her out of this car so we can get the hell out of here " . So , released I was to go back inside . I was nervous and shaken by this to no end . Betty knew nothing good could come of what was going on outside and had already called my Dad . I guess ot avoid an even worse scene he had kept himself at bay , which was probably a good decision . I ended up taking a walk to the Station and just hanging out there for a while to relax and be in a safe place . Heck just standing there filling the soda machine felt good and gave me a chance to unwind . My Dad was pretty good about not asking too much . I had always been " drilled " by my Mom , which was horrible , so he just kind of made himself available . I 'm going to digress a bit and share just one example of how many of the things that happened changed people forever . At one point the daught my Dad and Betty had together got married and had a baby . Betty babysat this new baby often , while their daughter worked . I noticed if the baby cried my Dad would jump up and go right to her . I observed this one day and when he came back to sit down he said , " I just can 't stand hearing a baby cry " . I said , " really , why is that " . He said , " when you were a baby , and you cried , if I went to get up to see what you needed your Mom would yell - don 't you dare go in there , let her cry , she 'll eventually stop if no one comes in and she 'll cry herself to sleep , he continued - it used to just kill me to hear you crying and not be able to do anything about it " . The obvious question here is " why didn 't he just do what he wanted and tell her to take a hike basically " . . . To understand the answer to that question you would have had to walk in the shoes my Dad and I walked in . It just wasn 't that easy and the price was very high . And , of course their marriage ended not long after this , so he eventually decided to take necessary steps . Getting back to that day in the driveway - well it was the first day of a very long war . You see , it was not very cut and dry or very simple to just switch homes . My Dad had no custody of me whatsoever . Back in the 60 's as many of you know , it was most common for the Mom to just be granted custody , and the fathers just accepted it as normal , it wasn 't challenged so much back then . My Dad also was still obligated to pay child support per the Divorce decree . It got more complicated too , because if you recall , I was still not in school and the new season had begun a few days prior . And then there were things to deal with such as - all my belongings , I barely had more then the clothes on my back . Everything I owned was at my Mom 's condo . Despite all of this and more , as you can image , it was more then clear I was staying with my Dad . The first step was getting me in schoool . I now lived 30 - 40 minutes from my old school , so figuring out a way to keep me in that school wasn 't an option . My Dad went to the school district we lived in to enroll me and found out - wasn 't happening ! He just saw himself as my legal father , it didn 't dawn on him since he had no custody he couldn 't enroll me . So he came home that night to share that news and my stress level went off the chart . . . as a kid you can 't see any possible solution . What would happen here . . . the only option was to get my Mom to grant my Dad temporary custody and the school would allow me to be enrolled . I feared she would never agree . My Dad did manage to get her to agree to it , and I 'm guessing she only did because she was really fed up with me and knew in the end I had to be in school . So , by the end of the week I was in school . One thing accomplished . But there was so much more . My poor Dad was paying her each week still ! Because she was the legal parent , despite whether I lived there or not , he was obligated to pay child support . It didn 't take him long to secure an attorney to help sort things out and get legal documents changed and updated . In the mean time I needed my clothes . That 's a night I 'll never forget . . . we scheduled a time to go out there , when we arrived I was really happy to find my Mom and Michelle gone . Thank goodness they were smart enough to get her out of there . But oh boy was it uncomfortable . . we took big trash bags and as fast as we could fill them we were just grabbing drawers full of clothes and throwing them in bags . I remember my Dad looking at me and saying , " don 't worry , we 'll straighten them all out when we get back home " . I could tell he felt really bad for me . He knew no kid should ever have to do something like this , but it had to be done . We were in and out of there in about 15 minutes flat . When we got home my Dad did stand there at a table with me and together we folded my clothes nicely again . I had no furniture quite yet so I used a table . My Dad was trThings were crazy for a while . I started getting mail from my Mom . Not mail like you would think . . . she started sending " to me " , unpaid medical bills , she closed my little passbook savings account and I guess kept the month . I just got the little passbook we had as kids where we entered our birthday and christmas money in to learn how to be good savers . . . we 'll I got the passbook with the word " Closed " written inside and underlined about 3 times . I was upset over getting this stuff and my Dad was furious . The one thing he did I appreciate now was - rather then just handle this himself , he encouraged me to have my own voice . To explain I need to digress again for a moment . . . About a year before this all happened my Dad called one day all excited he had found a car for me . With owning the Station he ran across all kinds of cars and deals . Anyway , I had just turned 14 and to him that was almost 16 so he wanted to be ready with a car for me . . . he was like that . He had come across a 1970 Challenger . It was the old " Slime Lime " bright green color and it was a cool old hot rod . He was telling me all about it on the phone and of course I was excited . . . . " rule # 1 , never get excited or be happy " . I was busted . My Mom saw I was happy . . she grabbed that phone so fast and chewed his ass from here to next week . She told him " how dare he suggest a car like that , that 's not a car for a new driver , etc , etc . and how dare he not run it by her first ! ! ! End of story , I wasn 't getting THAT car " . Down the road she got a new car and decided her old car was suitable for me and gave it to me . It was not necessarily a cool car back then , but a desireable car these days . It was a ' 67 Impala . We had parked the car in my Grandmother 's garage . This was the Grandmother on my Dad 's side . Something worth noting . . the car was in a garage with no garage door . So there the car sat waiting for me to turn 16 . Back again to the mail I was receiving . . . . I said to my Dad , " I just want to mail her the keys to that car and tell her what I think , I 'm really sick of being treated this way and I don 't want anything she gave me " . He said , " then that 's what you should do . I 'll make sure you have a car , you don 't have to keep that one , and it 's okay for you to tell her how you feel in a respectful way " . That was the best thing he could have ever done . I sat down with a piece of paper and the keys to that car and I wrote her a note telling her how I didn 't want anything she had ever given me and she should stop what she was doing , that it was not right . My letter wasn 't that great , but it taught me I had a voice , was entitled to speak it if done properly , and I didn 't have to rely on someone to speak for me . I never looked back from that lesson . From that point on in life when something wasn 't right , I never looked for someone to take care of me , I knew I had my own voice and could take care of myself . About a week later my Dad drove me by my Grandma 's house and the car was gone . Life started shaping up . My Dad had a room built for me in the finished basement they had already . He had a closet made and there was already a full bath down there , so it became my safe haven . I loved it . I got furniture , school was going ok , and my Dad had found me a 67 Charger , which proudly sat in the driveway waiting for me to turn 16 which was just over a year away at this point . The wheels of the legal system turn slowly so we were still riding on the temporary custody letter and waiting for things to happen to finally make the custody change legal . In the mean time Michelle was not doing real well and my Mom decided I should come visit them - she decided she should have visitation ! So she presents this idea to my Dad , who in turn talked to me about it . Once again , I had a voice , as he left the decision up to me . He is the eternal optimist , as so am I , which I clearly get from him . He always held out hope my Mom would change and be the Mom he hoped she would be . I decided to go visit , but as you all know it was not for her or Butch , it was only for Michelle . I missed her an unimaginable amount , so a chance to see her , despite my Mom sounded really good . We planned which weekend would be the first that I would go visit . My Dad drove me out there and dropped me off . I was nervous and excited all at once . I was so happy to see Michelle . We were just inseprable . We hung out Friday night , then Saturday morning my Mom and Butch went somewhere and I was there with Michelle , having a great time doing nothing , when there was a knock at the door . I answered it and a man said , " does Patricia xxxx live here " ? I said , " yes , she does " . He handed me some papers and said , " give these to her and tell her she 's been served " . And before I knew it I was holding papers telling her she had to go to court . My heart was racing a million miles and hour . I had to get out of there and I had to do it fast , but my Dad was 30 - 40 minutes away . I called him in a panic , " Dad , Mom was just served with the legal papers and she 's not here , and they 'll be back soon , and I need out of here " . He knew I needed out of there too and said , " I 'm on my way " . There I sat with Michelle , who was only 7 , so I couldnt ' leave her , my Dad was on the way , and I didn 't know when my Mom and Butch would get back . . . . . . That weekend was spent in Theodosia , Missouri . A small town near Table Rock Lake in the Southwest Missouri Ozark area . It 's peaceful there and Betty had extended family in that area . We went there a few times a year to visit a couple relatives she was very fond of . I don 't really remember some of these people , but I do remember the warmth they extended to me . I remember the house I was in that weekend , it was owned by older relatives of Betty 's , so to me it felt like a " grandma " house . I was all of 14 so , who knows how old they really were . I do know I was up all night , every night pacing around , sitting in different rooms , thinking , crying , thinking . . . . . I did not know what to do most of that weekend . Tuesday I was supposed to be in school . . . somewhere , but I wasn 't yet . No one knew exactly what was happening yet . My Dad had no heard from my Mom , he had not called her , so nothing was figured out . It had been made very clear by Betty and my Dad that I was welcome to stay , and I 'll never forget what else was said , to this day I 'm sure this was Betty 's idea to throw in the conversation , but as they told me I was welcome , they also said , " but you can 't play us back and forth , in other words , you can 't decide you don 't like the rules here so you want to go back to your Mom 's , then when you don 't like it there , you want to come back " . I remember thinking . . . are either of you nuts , do you know what I 'm coming from . . . I looked at my Dad like " really " . . . I never really responded to that and my Dad said no more . Later that day I had decided my decision was going to be . . . to go back to watch out for Michelle . My heart could not find peace with any other decision . I knew it would be Hell , but I also knew it would be Hell for her because she would get the brunt of everything , there would be no diversion . Plus how would she ever understand at her young ag why I didn 't come back . So , I went upstairs ( I had been staying in the finished basement ) , and told Betty I had decided to go back because of Michelle . I remember how she looked shen I told her . She actually looked surprised and very concerned . It was almost as if it had finally sunk in on her how bad my life had been , and now I was coming to her with this decision . My Dad was at the " Station " as we called it . He owned a Shell Service Station 1 . 5 blocks away . Betty said , " don 't call your Mom yet , let me tell your Dad what your decision is , and let him call out there to talk to her for you before you do anything " . I agreed and went back downstairs . For the first time in many days I felt relieved . I knew this was the right thing to do even though I knew it would be bad . I actually started feeling a bit happy because I really missed Michelle and I had worried about her to no end . I couldn 't wait to see her . She was like my own child . I guess Betty called my Dad when I was downstairs . Later I came up and she told me she had talked to him and he was going to call my Mom . I didn 't give it a lot of thought . I figured this was just sort of a formality and I would be getting a ride from someone to go back at some point , besides I also needed to get into school . I had missed the first day already . That evening my Dad came home around 6 : 00pm as always , he sat down on the back stairs and started to take off his workboots . I went outside to see him as I typically did . He looked pained in his face . He would always say " hi kiddo , how are you doing ? " in a cheerful " happy to see you voice " , but this time even though he said the same words , they were not in the same tone . I didn 't really answer , I just said , " did you call Mom " . He said , " Yes , I did " . And then he was a bit quiet , as if searching for his next words . I look back on this time and although he was my Dad , and I didn 't realize it at the time , because he was older , he was only 33 handling this mess as well . He was running his own business , owned two homes , had two children , he had a lot going on . I anxiously said , " what did she say " . . . I remembered he looked down at the stairs for a very long minute , and then he looked up and said , " you won 't be going back " . I remember that feeling like it was just a few seconds ago . My heart sank , I couldn 't believe it , what would happen to Michelle , who would take care of her . So many thoughts were racing through my mind and my heart . I asked " why , what did she say " . I wanted to know what she said . He looked at me as if he wanted to hug me , but he wasn 't the huggy type , but there was so much saddness in his eyes , and said , " she told me if you thought you had it bad before , just wait until you come back , you don 't know what bad is " . He apparently had had enough , he had watched me go through the weekend , he knew how bad she could be so he apparently had finally spoke his mind . He continued , " I told her I wouldn 't send my damn dog out there with you " . And that was it . My decision was over and Michelle 's fate was sealed . The wind had left my sails and I just sat on the edge of the stairs and stared at the brick on the house . . . . now what . Now what turned out to be an understatement . . . . that night my Dad called my Mom to finalize the fact I was staying . I tip toed down the hallway and was listening to the phone call and I 'll never forget how nice my Dad was when he really didn 't have to be . He said things like " maybe she just wants to see how her Dad lives " , and " let 's face it Pat , in 3 or 4 years she probably won 't be living with either of us , and this is a chance for her to live here for a bit before that time comes " . . . He never yelled , he never said anything disrespectful . In fact he never said anything bad about her to me , he only showed understanding when I spoke to him about her behavior . The end . . . hardly . . the next day Butch was at the door unannounced and she was sitting in the car in the driveway . Of course looking back , they strategically showed up during the day when my Dad was at the Station . Betty answered the door and he apparently told her my Mom wanted to talk to me . She called me upstairs and I could tell she didn 't know how to handle the situation . She didn 't know what to do , so she just asked me if I wanted to go out there . I thought I had to . I thought since it was a parent wanted to speak to me , I couldn 't say " No " . So , outside I went and I got in the car . . . what a mistake this was . . . I had a lot of you wondering what could have changed to make thingg better this week . . well that missed bus was life changing . I was really excited to be going to the mall , even by myself , I just wanted to feel comfortable for a while , even for just a short time , it was better then all the tension I was living under at home . I knew I could just walk around in the mall and get lost in looking at all the stores . I waited on the main road for a while , but no bus . Oh my gosh I can 't tell you how sad and disappointed I was . I NEEDED that bus to pick me up more then anyone looking at me could ever imagine . I didn 't WANT and thing . Most kids my age would be excited for a chance to go to the mall to get a cool pair of jeans , or some popular shoe style . Things like that never crossed my mind . Jeans , shoes , clothes , makeup , none of those things ever crossed my mind . I just needed some time . Beside , and I apologize for digressing , but I never liked shopping for clothes . I was a heavy - set child and difficult to get clothes for . Back then Sears had their " Chubby " department . The name alone was degrading , and of course that 's where my clothes had to come from . They were never stylish , and they were more expensive , so I had already spent every " back to school season " hearing about how I needed clothes from the Chubby Department and how fat I was . Then my little sister came along and she too was heavy , so then we both heard " how did I get so lucky to have too fat kids that need the Chubby Department . " So , now you might guess and assume I did a lot of protecting my listtle sister . Before I continue with my life changing day , you need to know how involved I was in my sister , Michelle 's life . She had a different father , and we looked nothing alike , but we were very close . I was raising her because our Mom could not be bothered . Besides I was getting $ 20 a week for raising a child , keeping a house and so forth . I taught Michelle how to count , basic reading , how to tell time , tie her shoes , and so forth . I was also where she went wheWhen the bus didn 't show I started the long walk back home . It was in reality only 1 - 2 blocks , but each step felt like a mile . My Mom had been glad I was leaving for the afternoon " so she could enjoy her day " as I had been told . Now I had to go back , I knew she would be mad . My heart was full of fear and for good reason . As I walked along the road , to my surprise , I looked up to see her driving up the road . She stopped and picked me up . Of course she wanted to know what I was doing . I told her I had missed the bus . She was hot , she was planning to enjoy her day and now I had ruined everything , just like I always did . And then she said something I didn 't expect . It was late August , school would be starting in about a week or two . She said , " that 's it I 'm calling your Dad , you 're not living with us until school starts . I 've had it with you , you 've ruined everything , you can go live with him and find out it 's not all boats , cars , and a fun time like it is on the weekend " . I couldn 't have heard better words , but I couldn 't let her know I was happy , in fact she had to think I thought this was really bad , so I just stayed quiet , but on the inside I was really excited . I didn 't care what went on at my Dad 's during the week , I knew it had to be better then how I was living . We got back to the condo and I was told to go pack some clothes she was calling my Dad and I would be out of there before the sun set . Oh you bet upstairs I went and started packing . I heard her on the phone " You need to come get her and come right now , I 've had it and she 's not welcome here another minute , so I don 't care what you have to do , get your ass out her to pick her up . You can deal with her because she 's ruined everything around here . You can bring her back when school starts " . My Dad had been married to her so he knew what she was really like in a way that only those who had been , or are really close to her would understand . He knew he needed to get me out of there . I was living 30 minutes from him at this point . He also knew if he showed Finally I decided what I had to do . . . . . . |
I was introduced to Riley 's Tavern on my first day at Woodbine Industries . As I was dropping my time card into the slot to punch out one of the guys asked me if I was going to stop for a beer with the guys . I felt no crying need to hurry home so I said okay . He told me that the group usually stopped at Riley 's and if I didn 't know where it was I could follow him . I wasn 't that familiar with that part of town so I followed him and it turned out that Riley 's was only three blocks from the plant . From the outside it looked like any neighborhood bar , but looks were deceiving . Inside there was an " L " shaped bar the ran the length of the west wall and part of the south wall . The rest of the south wall was taken up by a small bandstand and a jukebox . Booths lined the north wall and part of the east wall . Part of the east wall was a recessed alcove where there were four pool tables and a hallway that led back to the restrooms . In the center of the room there was a fairly large dance floor surrounded by tables . My new co - workers had pushed four tables together next to the dance floor and I wondered why they had put four tables together for only six of us . I took a seat at the tables and looked around as I got to know my new associates better . There was a sexy looking busty redhead behind the bar . The waitress , I found out later that her name was Tina , came over and took my drink order and as she walked away I commented on the fact that the place sure didn 't match its outside appearance . " The women who work in the office over there are real party animals . When they show up the jukebox starts up and the dance floor fills up in a hurry . If you play your cards right you never have to leave here alone . I was on my second beer when a bunch of women came in . Several of them came over and sat down with us at our tables . I was introduced to five that sat down with us and almost immediately the jukebox started playing and people got up to dance . In less than a minute I was the only guy sitting at the table with two girls . One of them , Ursala , looked at me and asked : As I drove home I wondered why I was bothering . I 'd told Ursala that I was married and I was , but it was a marriage that was on its last legs and I knew it . I had been enjoying myself at Riley 's so why did I leave just to go home to a deteriorating marriage ? The only answer I could come up with was that I would not allow it to be my actions that ended the marriage . When it went down it was going to be Elaine who killed it , not me . I met Elaine at a party at my Cousin Lou 's house . It was one of those parties where there was a large mix of people who didn 't know each other . Lou 's wife Shelly had invited several people that she worked with ; there were a bunch that Lou worked with , some friends and neighbors and even a few other relatives . It was my first party in a long time and Lou and Shelly had worked hard on me to get me to come . I 'd been pretty much a ' stay at home ' since my wife had taken off with some asshole she met while taking evening classes at the local community college . She had come back home three weeks later begging for forgiveness only to be told that all of her stuff was in boxes in the garage and that Goodwill was scheduled to pick up those boxes up on Thursday . I suggested that if she wanted any of that stuff she better get it out of the garage before Goodwill got there . Then I handed her the divorce papers and told her I hoped I 'd never see her again . Anyway , after nine months of not dating or going out Lou and Shelly decided that it was up to them to get me back out into the world . What they didn 't realize was that I wasn 't holed in my place because of any great hurt . I just didn 't trust women anymore . At the same time I was going through my divorce with Bev my older brother caught his wife cheating on him with the next door neighbor . I also had several friends who were going through divorces at the same time because of cheating . When Lou asked me to his party I was in a fairly good mood so I decided to go . I was introduced to some people that I didn 't know , said hello to some that I knew but hadn 't seen in a while and in general walked around and socialized . About an hour after I arrived Shelly came up to me with a tall blond - and I do mean tall . She was six foot to my five eleven and she had the bluest eyes I 'd ever looked into . Shelly introduced me to Elaine and then said : " Long , long story and not one for a party . But what about you ? You obviously don 't need anyone fixing you up . You have to be holding off guys with a club . " And it was true . She was about one hundred and forty pounds and it was very well distributed on her six foot frame . Long blond hair down to the middle of her back and even without a smidgen of makeup she had a radiant face . Shortly after that Allison Collins showed up with some guy . Allison had been married to one of my friends and he had caught her cheating on him with her boss . It pissed me off that Lou and Shelly - who both knew how I felt about cheating whores - would invite one to a party that they had invited me to . Allison spotted me and headed my way with her escort no doubt intending to introduce me to him , but I gave her a look of disgust , turned away from her and then left the party . The next day Lou called me and asked me where I had disappeared to . I told him and he told me that Allison hadn 't been invited . She came as Charlie Stone 's date and he hadn 't known that Charlie even knew Allison . I apologized for my abrupt departure and he invited me to a poker game on the next Friday . " Not surprising . No one mentioned to me that there would be ladies here tonight either . I do have to wonder why Lou and Shelly are so determined to stick you with me . " Just then Lou came and got me because they were ready to start and it was my deal . I took my place at the table and forty minutes into the game I was sitting there with an empty beer bottle in front of me and staring at two pair - kings and tens - and wondering what to do . It was five card draw , jacks or better to open , and Hal had opened so I knew he had at least jacks . The betting had gone around the table and then Hal had drawn two cards and then bet again . Did he have three of a kind to draw to or had he done what he sometimes did when he had a high pair and an ace and kept the ace as a kicker ? When Hal bet Harv had called . Harv had drawn three so that meant that he felt he could at least beat Hal 's openers and knowing the way Harv played he probably felt he could beat Hal 's openers and any help Hal might have gotten in the draw . Next was Sam . He had drawn one card and when the bet got to him he raised . Sam was known to draw to inside and open ended straights and four card flushes . Was it one of those and he had hit on the draw or did he have two pair and one of those pair higher than jacks ? Plus , Sam had been known to bluff . I was contemplating raising when an arm went by me and a hand picked up my empty beer bottle and then set a full one down in front of me . I turned and saw Elaine standing there smiling at me . I don 't know why , but I took that as an omen and I called the bet and then raised . Lou dropped out and both Hal and Sam called . I put down my two pair and Hal muttered " shit " and threw in his cards . Sam smiled and laid down a heart flush . So much for Elaine being a sign . She saw the questioning look on my face and went on . " Shelly is a real close friend and as a result she knows a lot about me and my personal life . My fault ; I can 't hide anything and when she sees me down in the dumps she asks why and I end up telling her . " " To put it bluntly , the guys I seem attracted to and end up with usually turn out to be assholes . I 've had so many of them that I 'm down on men in general . Shelly keeps telling me that I need to meet a nice guy and since I seem incapable of finding one on my own Shelly has decided to do it for me . You are her pick . " " Maybe that 's why Shelly thinks we are a pair . What you have said about women pretty much sums up the assholes I 've been going out with . Every single one of them cheated on me and then acted like it was no big thing . Maybe Shelly figures that since we have both been there and felt the pain that it isn 't likely that we would ever inflict that pain on each other . " " If she is right and you are really the nice guy she says you are I 'm okay with it . How about you ? How do you feel about a women who has nothing but failed relationships behind her ? " The marriage was a happy one for a little over six years and then it all went to hell . The job I had at the time entailed a lot of travel and sometimes I would be gone for weeks at a time . I came home from a three week trip and found out that Elaine had replaced me . While I was gone Elaine had opened the door one day and let a couple of Jehovah 's Witnesses come in and visit . At first I didn 't think anything of it . If she wanted to waste her time on what I considered a stupid cult let her have at it . Then it started to intrude on my life . First it was birthdays . I asked her what she would like for her birthday and she told me that we didn 't celebrate birthdays anymore since it was against her religion . Next to go was Christmas . She kept pushing me to join with her and I kept telling her no . I 've never had any use for communists , but I believe that it was Lenin who said that " Religion is the opiate of the masses " and on that I agreed with him one hundred percent . The more Elaine pushed for me to join with her and the more I said no the farther apart we became . We had a real nasty argument one night when I came home and found four volumes from our set of Encyclopedia Britannica sitting on top of the trash cans in our garage . When I asked her what in the hell she thought she was doing she told me that they couldn 't be in the house because they contained lies and misleading information . When I asked for specifics I was told that the volumes in question contained information on evolution . I blew up at her and told her that if she ever again threw anything of mine out of the house without talking to me first I would throw her and her stupid assed religion out on the street . Things got even chillier between us after that . Why did I put up with it ? Because I loved the silly bitch and I was hoping that she would eventually come to her senses . It wasn 't too bad on me when I was traveling , but then the company I was working for was bought out and the new owners did a reorganization that put thirty of us out on the street . My new job at Woodbine was eight to five and very little traveling and I wasn 't sure what that was going to mean as far as my home situation was concerned . The first couple of months after I started at Woodbine I stopped at Riley 's once or twice a week for a beer or two and then headed on home . Things at home were not getting any better and my outright refusal to have anything to do with Elaine 's new found religion was just making things worse . Elaine and I hadn 't made love since the encyclopedia incident . Any overtures I made along sexual lines were rebuffed with all of the usual excuses women make when they try to use sex as a weapon and I was getting a little frustrated . I started stopping at Riley 's more often and staying longer rather than going home . My sexual frustration had me starting to look at the women who came into Riley 's and I began to wonder what my chances might be with some of them . That 's all it was - wondering - because I didn 't cheat on my wife . Never had and never expected that I would , but I was a man and I was going to look , fantasize and wonder . The house we lived in did not have an attached garage . There was a walkway from the garage to the side door of the house and when you went in the side door you walked onto a landing . If you walked straight ahead you went down the stairs into the basement . If you turned right there were steps leading up to the kitchen . I had just walked in the door when I heard : The voice was Maria 's . She was a Witness who lived nine houses down the street from us and was probably one of the Witnesses that Elaine had opened the door to that first time . They apparently had not heard me pull into the drive or come in the house . Elaine said : " You are in denial Elaine . That man despises our religion . You can see the disgust on his face every time he sees us meeting here . I can tell you from experience that mixed marriages don 't work . He will never be one of us . You need to put him behind you . You know our precepts . The man is the head of the household and you are subservient to him . How can you be subservient to a man who despises our God ? " I 'd heard enough and I slammed the door and called out , " Elaine , I 'm home . " Maria was standing and putting on her coat when I reached the top of the stairs . I nodded at her and took off my coat and was hanging it up in the hall closet as Elaine walked Maria to the front door . I spent Friday at work thinking about what I 'd overheard and what it meant . To me it meant that my marriage was over . Elaine hadn 't said " No way will I divorce the man I love . " What she had said was that she was not ready for that " yet . " That she needed more time to try and drag me into her cult , but the inference was there in that " yet . " If I didn 't come on board she would eventually go for a divorce and there was absolutely no way I would ever get involved with her fruit cake religion . " Not tonight Elaine . I have gone almost two months without making love . I am the head of this household and I have certain rights and needs . Now get in bed and take care of your wifely duties . " I think it shocked her to hear me say something like that , but she did take off her nightgown and get on the bed . It was a hollow victory however . She just laid there and let me use her , but I didn 't much care . I got some physical relief and mentally I felt good at using her religion against her in almost the same way she had been using her withholding of sex against me . When I finished I said : Saturday morning I was out on the driveway washing the car when Elaine came out and walked up to me . She stood there looking at me until I turned off the hose and turned to her . She looked down at the ground and then back up at me and said : She stood there looking at me with a stunned look on her face . It was obvious that she hadn 't expected things to go that way . I think she expected me to say something like : As I toweled down the car I thought on what had just happened . I loved Elaine , but I wasn 't dumb . She had been brain - washed by her cult and that left us no chance . She was now a member of a group whose basic creed was " our way or the highway " and I would never accept " their way . " Our only hope was for her to put the Jehovah 's Witnesses behind her and it was clear that she wasn 't going to do that . I finished the car and then went into the house and got two writing tablets and two pens and went into the kitchen and sat down at the table . I called for Elaine and when she came into the kitchen I pointed at the chair opposite me and told her to sit . I pushed one of the pens and one of the pads of paper over to her and told her to start making a list of what she wanted out of the house . " Because we are splitting up and that means dividing up what we have . Things like going through our albums and deciding who keeps what . You don 't like Bluegrass so there is no problem there and I don 't care for Barry Manilow so there is no problem there either , but we need to go through the rest . You have already shown your feelings where the encyclopedias are concerned so I 'll take them . I 'm taking my recliner and all of my hunting , fishing and camping gear . You need to make your list and I 'll make mine and then we will compare . Where there are things we both want we will negotiate . " Two things to keep in mind . You want this divorce so you take care of it . The second thing is that I can 't afford to maintain two separate places right now so unless you move out we will have to share this place . You slept in the guest bedroom last night so you can stay there for now . And on that subject since you hit me with this divorce crap you are released from having to take care of your wifely duties tonight . " I 'm not being mean . You want out of the relationship so I 'm letting you out , but I am not going to get up and walk away leaving you with everything . This is a no - fault divorce state so everything we have will be split fifty - fifty . So let us get busy and decide who gets what . Better we do it than let the courts do it . " You will need to start looking for a job and a place to stay . As long as we are still in this house I 'll pay the rent and utilities and once we are living separate I 'll pay you six hundred a month separate maintenance until you remarry . Agreed ? " " What did you expect ? You want out and I won 't try to keep you in a relationship you don 't want to be in . So it is over except for the housekeeping and paperwork . " That night I stuck around and danced with a couple of the girls that usually joined the group at the tables we pushed together . One of them , Leslie , asked what was the occasion that had gotten me to finally stick around . I told her that my wife had asked for a divorce over the weekend and I no longer felt the need to hurry home . And they did . I started stopping after work every night and a lot of the women would actually be dragging me off my chair and onto the dance floor . It was obvious to me that I could have scored a dozen times if I would have put forth the effort , but I wasn 't quite ready for that yet . I still had some old fashioned values and while Elaine and I were no longer a couple we were still married . It didn 't come as a surprise . I put the envelope in my pocket and headed for Riley 's . As I was dancing with Leslie I said : When I got home that night there were several cars in the drive and I figured that Elaine was having another one of her meetings . When I went to open the door I found that it was locked . I took out my key but it wouldn 't fit in the lock . I went to the front door and found the same thing . " What the fuck ! " I thought as I knocked on the door . After three hard knockings Elaine opened the door . I turned and went back to my car and went looking for a motel . Once checked into the motel I got out the divorce papers and read them . Elaine got to stay in the house and I was ordered to maintain it and to pay her one thousand a month temporary maintenance pending the final decisions of the court . I shook my head at that . Fat chance ! The next day I called into work and told them I would be out for the day to take care of some pressing personal business . I was parked down the street when Elaine left the house to take her mother to the doctor . Her mother had an irregular heart beat and was on blood thinners to prevent blood clots and she had to go in every week and have her blood checked to see if her medicine dosage needed to be adjusted up or down . She didn 't drive so Elaine had to take her in . As soon as Elaine was gone I went to the house . There was a basement window that had a broken lock and I had never fixed it . I crawled through it into the house and gathered up everything that I wanted and loaded it into my truck . Since the utilities were all in my name I used the phone to call the gas , electric and phone companies and cancelled service . Then I called the insurance man and cancelled my renter 's insurance and the insurance on Elaine 's car . My next stop was the bank and I closed out the checking and savings accounts . They were in my name only so Elaine couldn 't withdraw anything , but I didn 't know if her attorney could somehow freeze the accounts or not , but I wasn 't going to chance it . There were no credit cards to stop since I didn 't believe in running up credit card debt and so I dealt in cash . Elaine didn 't work and I handled all of our finances . I gave Elaine a weekly allowance to handle groceries and give her some spending money , but all that had just come to a screeching halt . In short , I stopped paying for anything where Elaine was concerned and fuck a bunch of court orders . " I don 't care what the divorce papers say Elaine . If I don 't live there I don 't pay . Best you get out and find a job Elaine ( she wasn 't working with Shelly anymore - both of them had been laid off ) instead of walking around knocking on doors and handing out your cult 's literature . " " What are they going to do Elaine ? Stick me in jail ? That just means that I 'll lose my job and no job means no money and no money means that I won 't be sending you the six hundred bucks a month I agreed to give you . " " Maybe so , but I only agreed to six hundred that day we sat at the kitchen table and that is all I am going to send . Get a job Elaine . You are going to need one . You have a few more surprises coming your way . " That night at Riley 's I asked Leslie if she was still interested and she asked me what had happened to the " I 'm still married " bit . I explained what had happened and that as far as I was concerned I was released . She grabbed her purse and said : I pulled into the Safeway lot and she flashed her lights and pulled out and I followed her to her apartment . As soon as we were inside she started stripping and led me to her bedroom . She pulled the covers down , got on the bed and looked up at me . I came rather quickly and apologized . I told her that it had been a while since I 'd had regular sex and she told me not to worry because she was sure that I wasn 't done for the night . She went down on me and got me serviceable again and the second time lasted a good deal longer and I was pleased that I was able to give her an orgasm . Then I surprised her and went down on her and after a couple of minutes of my working on her clit she pushed me away and swung into a sixty - nine with me . This led to another erection and then she applied the cure for the problem and I was able to give her one more orgasm . " I 've been stopping at Riley 's for a couple of months now and I 've never seen you go out to the parking lot or leave with anybody . All of a sudden you invite me to come home with you . Since I 'm no Robert Redford or Brad Pitt I have to wonder about that . " " No big secret there . I 'm just a bit picky about who I hook up with . You might not be a Redford or a Pitt , but you ain 't all that bad . " " Shelly , at one time or another , has left the bar with everyone of the guys from Woodbine except you . The same can be said about Alice , Mary and Becky . That means that those four have shared at least eight guys between them and those eight guys are not at Riley 's every night . Where are they and who are they with on the nights they are not at Riley 's ? Have you ever heard that when you have sex with someone you are having sex with everyone they have ever had sex with ? And you are exposed to everything that they have been exposed to ? I 'm not the least bit interested in a bunch of promiscuous men . But I 'm still a horny female with her juices flowing and along comes untouched , unsullied you . A man who flat out tells me that he won 't have sex while he is till married . It is as simple as that . " We did fine one more time and then I headed for my apartment . Before I left Leslie 's place she told me that she didn 't ever want to leave the bar with me because she didn 't want anyone to think she was like Sherry and the other girls . We would always leave separately and then meet up and that is what we did the next two nights . On Thursday I got a call from Gerald Montrose 's secretary and she informed me that he would like to see me when it was convenient . I asked her who Montrose was and found out that he was the lawyer handling Elaine 's divorce . I told the women that it wouldn 't ever be convenient and I said goodbye and hung up . Twenty minutes later she called me again and asked me to please hold for Mr . Montrose . I told her that no way was I going to hold for him and I was just ready to hang up when he came on the line . He cut right to the chase . " Normally I wouldn 't do this . I 'd just file the necessary paperwork to bring you into court , but Mrs . McKeean doesn 't want to see you go to jail for contempt so I 'm trying to handle this the easy way . The court orders contained in the divorce paperwork require you to maintain the principal residence pending the final court decision on your divorce . That means that you need to get the utilities turned back o0n . If you get that done today I will tear up the paperwork I 've prepared for the court . In addition we will just forget about you breaking in and removing property while Mrs . McKeean was out . " " Forget it . I 'll tell you the same thing I told Elaine . I 'm not paying for someplace where I 'm not living . I had everything worked out fine with Elaine and the divorce would have been painless for both of us if she had just stuck with the agreement we made . She didn 't so fuck her . And I have no idea what you are talking about when you say that I broke in . I have it on good authority that Elaine gave bags of stuff to Goodwill on the day after I had the utilities turned off and I know damned well that it was my clothing and personal items in those bags . Go ahead and bring it up in front of the judge and let 's see what he has to say about it . " " You do that , but while you are doing that think of this . I 'm not paying and all they can do is find me in contempt of court and lock me up . That means I 'll lose my job and no job means no money . I knew going in when I told Elaine to handle the divorce I would end up paying for it , but again - no job , no money . Think of that while you are walking into the courthouse . " " Not my problem Elaine . Go ask those assholes in your cult that told you that you needed to divorce me and don 't forget that it was your choice to break the agreement we made . You know , the one where I said I would take care of the rent and utilities as long as we lived in the house together ? " " I wish I would have had your balls when I went through my divorce . What I can do for you is promise you a job when it is all over with . Good luck . " It was eleven days before a man caught me coming out of work and served me with papers ordering me to appear in court . The appearance date was ten days away and I tossed the papers in the trash and ignored them . Meanwhile I heard ( from Shelly ) that Elaine had moved in with two other single Jehovah 's Witnesses . Elaine called me half a dozen times , but I hung up as soon as I heard her voice . To shorten things a little when the judge asked me while I failed to appear I told him that we had been real busy at work and I had forgotten about it . He knew it was bullshit , but he moved on and asked me why I had failed to follow the courts orders . I told him of my verbal agreement with Elaine and that I had no intention of doing anything other that what I had agreed to with her . He told me that my verbal agreement had no legal standing , but that court orders had the full weight of the law behind them . He then ordered me to provide housing for Elaine and pay her the court ordered temporary maintenance including the arrearage . I told him no . I would not do anything other than what I had previously agreed to with Elaine which of course was now impossible since she had broken that agreement . He found me " in contempt of court and gave me fifteen days . At the end of fifteen days I was brought back in front of him and I told him no again and got another fifteen days . After that I went back in front of him every fifteen days and got another fifteen . At the end of one hundred and forty - two days I was released . I was let loose because the divorce was final and there was a new set of court orders and I was told I 'd better pay attention to them or I would be back . I just smiled and said : I had given Leslie the key to my apartment and when I got the first fifteen days I called her and let her know . I knew once I got to court I was going to be there for a while and I had already set things up with Leslie . As soon as she got my call she cleaned out my apartment and put all my things in storage and then she went over to Woodbine and picked up my truck and parked it at her place . When I was released I called her and she came and got me . As I waited for her I read the divorce decree . I was ordered to pay court costs , twelve hundred a month in alimony and Elaine 's attorney 's fees . I promptly paid the court costs , but that was all I was going to pay . " Well let 's see Elaine . I just spent one hundred and forty - two days in jail and I don 't have a job . So you won 't get a dime until a couple of things happen . One , I need to find work . Two , I lost twenty - one weeks of work and that cost me over nine thousand dollars that I will need to recover . At six hundred dollars a week that means it will be 16 weeks before you get the first dime . " " When we sat at the kitchen table I agreed to give you six hundred and that is all I am going to give you and you won 't even get that if you bitch and I go back to jail . Jail isn 't a hardship to me Elaine . I have a bed to sleep in , a roof over my head and three meals a day . What will you have while I 'm sitting in there ? " " Because you fucked me Elaine . Because you broke the agreement we made when we sat down at the kitchen table to figure out who would get what . I told you the night you stuck me with that restraining order and closed the door in my face to remember that you were the one who fucked things up . Now you can live with it . Goodbye Elaine . " |
A number of years ago , just after our son was born , my parents came to visit and see the new member of the family . My dad wanted to see what we 'd made . My wife handed our son to me , and as I put my dad 's grandson into his arms , I could feel how he 'd held me when I was that age . I could sense the love , the care , the overwhelming urge to protect this little bundle of life with every fiber of his being - and see he knew that he would not be able to do that , all while he struggled , in that moment , to understand the balance of holding on and letting go . So without writing much more ( hah , it 's me … 😉 I 'm gonna take you through a little guided tour of fatherhood , and my experiences with it … I just went through this blog - and found myself smiling , laughing , and tearing up just a bit at the stories I 'd written over the last few years . See , my Dad left us about 16 years ago . He no longer lives with us on this earth , but lives with us in our memories … That transition , for those of you who 've not gone through it , is astonishingly hard . Cindy 's dad did the same thing a couple of years ago , and the transition for her , her family , and us , is ongoing . I think that 's the little bit where you find yourself laughing at things they might have said , memories you might have shared , and then crying at the same time because you miss them and can 't share the story the memory brings forth with them . … I realized early on that keeping a straight face when you 're being a dad is something that comes with time … In this case , I had an adventure in plumbing , and can still hear the laughter of both kids as the problem I was dealing with became painfully obvious ( like , it hit me in the face obvious ) . It still makes me smile , and they got to laugh at their dad ( with his permission ) . I remember how much I wanted my own dad to listen to me when I was a kid and a young adult . Those moments were few and far between , and as a result , so absolutely precious in my mind . I had a chance to listen to my son once where I so very consciously put my mind on " record " because I knew the story he was about to tell was going to be fun . It actually is the very first story on the blog . This next one - just fair warning - it 's got a hankie warning on it for a reason … I think it was the story that started them . It 's called ' Letting go of the Saddle ' - and if you can imagine teaching your kid ( or being taught by your dad ) to ride a bike - there 's a moment , a very special moment , that happens . It 's repeated throughout your life in different ways - and you 'll play different characters inside this story throughout your life , sometimes simultaneously . A huge part of this story really felt like it wrote itself and I was just hanging on for the ride . I remember the story changing about 2 / 3 of the way through , where my role in it changed - and I realized I was letting go of another saddle , but not one I was ready to let go of . It was a very hard story to write … I 'll leave it at that . I 've realized that some stories take seconds to happen , but require months or years of pondering before they 're ready to be written . This one was a little different . It took years to happen , and a couple of hours to write . It involved an F - 4 Phantom , a cop , and - well , it made me smile then , and still makes me smile now . There was a moment , not quite 16 years ago as I write this , that a number of things collided into a storm I was not ready for . A storm of fatherhood , childhood , memories , time machines , time moving forward , time standing still . I remember feeling very much like a little boy in an adult body , and I wasn 't ready to be that much of an adult right then . I remember this story for the cold , both physical and emotional , for the blowing oak leaves , the sound of Taps and a view I 'd seen years before and never wanted to see again … If it 's not obvious yet , it has a hankie warning , just so you know . And for a change of pace , you know the old saying , " Insanity is hereditary , you get it from your kids " ? - Yeah , that 's true … There are other things you get from your kids . In this case , we 've actually got three generations involved in this story … My mom 's reaction to something I did , and my reaction as a dad to something my daughter did - and it was the same reaction … And then - you realize your kids get older - and you realize that some of the lessons change , and some stay the same , and you realize that God gives you chances to both listen to your kids and to help them out . In this case , again , a situation with my daughter - a couple decades after the above story , a gentle lesson from God , for me , as a dad , on how to be a dad … Occasionally God will present lessons with all the grace of a celestial sledge hammer … This time He used the celestial feather duster ( which I appreciated very much ) Some years after the above story , Michael and I had a mad , crushing need to leave town and go on a father - son adventure . So we did . We had a fun road trip that involved Mermaids , toast scramblers ( the pre - war kind ) and the Gates of Mordor … Another story from dad - this is a long one , but one of my favorites . Started out as a single dusty sentence I remembered from dad , and after two years of research , I got a story out of it . Still makes me smile . Then comes Opa 's story - from WWI . He 's mom 's dad - and if it weren 't for a piece of Russian shrapnel and some soldiers scavenging for potatoes , you might not be reading this story … Really . Being a dad means doing a lot of things , and sometimes it means telling a sick munchkin a story . In this case , I made up a story quite literally on the fly . Here 's the story - and the ' behind the scenes ' of telling it . And , a story about a boy and … and a borrowed dog named Pongo . Pongo was a good dog , and even though he wasn 't ours , Michael got to ' borrow ' him on his walk home from school . We haven 't walked down that street in a very long time , in large part because as long as we don 't , in our minds Pongo will still be there . I learned a number of lessons - about shoes , from my daughter - even though she didn 't realize she was teaching me . We were walking to the bus stop , as fast as we could , because as always , we were running late . Michael was tucked into my coat ( really ) and Lys was walking behind me , looking at my red shoes , and proudly watching her two feet , also clad in much smaller Red Converse High Tops , enter and leave her view with every step . " Look , Papa , I 'm two feet behind you ! Get it ? Two . . Feet . . Behind you ? " I smiled , and sure enough , she was … Oh , and we caught the bus that day , and the next , and she - well , there 's more to the story - you can read the rest of it here . That was definitely not right , and I stumbled out of the bedroom without my glasses to see what was going on . My wife was sitting there in the chair by the window , curtains halfway open . Eyes red . Phone hanging listlessly in her hand . I made some coffee , took the day off work , and shortly thereafter , we were using every phone in the house . My wife checked in with family back east , getting details and helping organize things while I made airline reservations and other travel arrangements to get us all there in the next few days . We 'd learn much more later , but it turned out he 'd passed away in his sleep . It was how he 'd said he wanted to go , so amidst the shock , we were glad he 'd gotten what he wanted . We flew back east to help with some of the arrangements , and had a gathering of family and friends who came to celebrate the life of a man loved and cherished by so many . We learned a lot about family , and about how there are times when you pitch in and help even when you don 't know what do do , or how to do it . Friends and long lost family came out of the woodwork , and amidst all the grief and sadness , there was a feeling of simply being blessed by the presence of the people who were there both in body and in spirit . Soon it was time to pack up and leave where we had all gathered . We turned to put things away only to realize , to our surprise , that much of the work had already been done . Done by willing hands who offered their help when it was needed , expecting nothing in return . We found that things and people had been taken back to the house . Unbidden , they just did it , and the stories , the laughter , and the tears , continued . Once again , the wipers were barely enough to keep the windshield clear , and the storm seemed to match physically what we were all going through emotionally . I had to block the emotion out , I 'd have time on the plane to think about things . Right then , I just had to deal with driving and paying attention to what I could see of the road . Because of the storm , my wife 's 3 1 / 2 hour trip back with her sister turned into something closer to 5 1 / 2 hours . It was raining so hard they had to wait by the side of the road in places because they couldn 't see , much like the people waiting in the last story . I waited with all the others in the airplane at the airport until the worst was over , and finally , we were able to take our place in line and head out . And so it goes with all of us , right ? Each one of us has a flight to take , one on which there will be rough weather . And beautiful weather . Looking back again , I could see the moon casting shadows on the clouds . The darkness had its own beauty . It was easy to look down , but I felt a strong urge to look up , to see what the sky looked like at night from this high up , so I slouched down in my seat as much as I could , turned my own light off above my seat , and as hard as it was in that position , I looked up . There are so many stories to tell here - some of them are behind us - in fact , here - fold the map up and crack the window a bit while I get you caught up . We 're heading west , with no turns for 2000 miles … We won 't need the map for a few days . In fact - it 's raining so hard I can barely see - wow this came on suddenly - unexpectedly … Should I have seen this coming ? This is not a road I 'm familiar traveling , but stopping isn 't an option . I look in the rear view mirror and see a Semi truck barreling down on me . I 've slowed down to 35 mph and still it doesn 't seem slow enough … the wipers are flipping rain as hard as they can . The car suddenly shudders violently in the turbulence as the truck blasts by . The wipers won 't go any faster , and the only car I can see , and that just barely , is the one in front of me … I can 't follow too closely , because there won 't be time to react if that driver has to stop suddenly . There was a gentle curve to the left starting just as we hit the rainstorm , so I need to stay with that driver - to be close enough to see his taillights to help guide me , but far enough away to be safe . I know I 'll have to let go , so to speak , of that driver , sooner or later , but for now , I have to hang on . I glance up and see that his cab is just above the spray from all the cars . That 's why he can drive faster - he can see , but all of us down here are in the middle of the spray , and we can 't see very well , so we drive slowly … and safely . We crawl past the line of cars and see an exit , which we take . My foot 's still on the brake , and I 'm surprised to find I have to slowly peel my fingers off the steering wheel . One at a time . I hadn 't realized I 'd been holding on so tight - but I had been . I had to so I could stay in control , in case - I can 't allow myself to think of the alternative . Our ears re - adjust to the sounds in the car now that it 's stopped . The engine 's off , there 's no sound of tires on wet pavement or frantic wipers on wet glass . The only sound now is the rain , roaring down on the roof so loud we have to talk loud to be heard over it . We stomp our shoes dry in the foyer and find others have had the same idea , that stopping and waiting for the weather to clear is just smart . There 's a crowd of people congregated around the bathrooms to the right and I hear two women talking , one surprised to see the other 's there . " Oh , I wasn 't expecting to be here , but there 's an accident blocking the westbound lanes at the next exit a mile or so further up , so I came this way . " Waiting my turn , and still trying to come to grips with what had happened , I pull out my phone and look up the local weather radar - I 'd never seen anything like this , and from that radar image , it 's clear why it felt so sudden , because quite frankly , it was . It had been cloudy , but no rain , or even a sign of rain , until we came up over a rise just outside of Jamestown . We could see rain up ahead , but there wasn 't any hint of what was to come . Since we could barely see past the hood of the car , trying to figure out how big this storm is would take something else , so I check the scale on the radar map and find the towns of Steele ( on the left ) and Casselton ( on the right ) are about 130 miles apart . That means the storm we 're in is about that big north to south , and the part we were driving through east to west was maybe 15 miles of total blindness . It would have been driving by braille , feeling our way along . Glenda first caught my eye when she sat down beside me in Dr . Bob Chamberlain 's " History of Western Rhetoric " class over in Peterson Hall at Seattle Pacific University . She was different because unlike all the other college aged young women in the class , Glenda had her daughter , Daisy , sleeping on the floor beside her . Class time and nap time happened to coincide , so Glenda did what worked , and Daisy got a head start on a lot of freshmen by sleeping through a very early college education . When it was time to visit her in the hospital , it was - well , I am still amazed at how she was able to get four kids packed up and ready to go - anywhere - on time . It was just amazing . She loved to tell this story - and always with that wonderful laugh of hers . When Tom the Mobile set of Monkey Bars got to the hospital room , four kids either on me or around me , I saw in Glenda 's face the exhaustion that comes from being in the hospital , from all the poking , the prodding , the middle of the night waking you up to give you your sleeping medicine , and so on . But in her eyes , I saw something different . I saw a sparkle , a relaxation , a rest , that is only seen in a woman 's eyes - no , a mom 's eyes when , for whatever reason , she 's had a chance to recover a little from being a mom by being away from the kids , and then when she gets to be with them again . She tells the same story from another viewpoint , seeing her kids scamper into the room , at least one of them ( Daisy ) still hanging from a very bedraggled me , when our eyes met , she remembers me saying , " Two ! Only Two ! " - I couldn 't imagine how she could be a mom of four , but she was , and she made it look easy . Understand this is the lady who trusted me with her most prized possessions , her kids . And she did it regularly . There was a trust built up there over the years , and I figured that this " favor " wasn 't going to be , " Can I borrow a cup of sugar ? " or " Can you feed the cat while I 'm gone ? " October 30 , 2014 in Uncategorized | Tags : Hankie Warning , Lessons , Life , Stories | 3 comments We 've learned a lot of hard lessons over the last couple of years . Life has been busy , and I needed a place to be alone with my thoughts . A lot of people , family and friends , had left our lives in that time , to live on in our memories , and fall brings memories , and " firsts " that are bittersweet and often painful . Well , it might be hard to imagine for those of you who read these stories , but yes indeedy , I had all of those things happen , many years ago . See , when I was a teenager , I knew someone like that , his name was Marc . Marc was handsome , smart , had a sense of humor and a smile that would win over just about anybody . At that time , Marc was always , and I mean always in the company of some attractive young lady . We went to different schools , but went to the same church , and were in the same youth group , and most importantly , went to the same church camp in southern Washington , where once a year , we met other kids from other churches in the district ( which encompassed Washington and Oregon ) . One of those kids was a young lady by the name of Jeanne , a bright , fun , attractive girl from Oregon who was friends with just about everyone . So we all looked forward to church camp , where we were able to spend time with each other and not only learn lessons from the Bible , but get together and have fun , singing songs , playing games like Capture the Flag , and What Can We do With The Counselor 's Car ? " ( my sister 's car was somehow put in the Gym , mine one year ended up down a path down by the river ) , or , in quieter moments , just hanging out by the campfire . Bottom line : those of us in the youth group just loved camp , because it just made the youth group that much bigger . Now understand , this was quite a bit easier said than done . I was south of Tacoma , Washington , she lived somewhere near Portland , Oregon , and we were headed to Kalaloch , in Washington . Yeah , I looked it up on the map . The trip looked like this . Just that piece of it was over 300 miles . She checked with her parents , got the okay , and the resulting plan was that I 'd come down Friday afternoon , spend the night there , then somehow , without a whole lot of planning , synchronization , or anything , meet up with the youth group on their way to the beach , and pull off a ' mess with Marc 's mind ' prank the likes of which he would never expect . It rained overnight , the first time in a long time , and the next morning , we were all ready to go , we got the car packed , and I fired up the Saab , it was idling quietly , warming up a bit , with the ' ringgggdadingdingding … . ' sound that it made when it was idling , the two stroke smoke from the cold engine wafting like fog all over the neighborhood . I was about to put it into gear to back out of their driveway when the clutch pedal went to the floor , and neither reverse - nor for that matter , any gear , was available without some seriously nasty grinding of Swedish steel gears . There was obviously a leak in the rather simple hydraulics of the clutch system , as all the brake fluid in it had leaked out . I was many , many miles from home , so in spite of the ' freewheeling clutch ' designed into the car , I really wasn 't going for a several hundred mile trip without it working . So bright and early that Saturday , we had to find a car parts store to see if we could get the right brake fluid for the car 's hydraulic clutch system ( the wrong kind would eat through the seals , and who knows , maybe that 's what had already happened , I don 't know for sure , so we borrowed her parent 's land yacht of a ' 70 's sedan . All I remember was that it had a cold - blooded 430 cubic inch V - 8 engine , a light rear end , and a sticky throttle . In fact , there was far more cast iron in that engine than in my entire car , and it ran a little rough until all that iron warmed up . This was something we discovered as the car coughed just as we were making a left turn out onto a very large , empty five lane street as we were going out in search of the necessary brake fluid . Jeanne pumped the gas a few times to try to get it to run again , and just as she had her foot on the floor , the engine woke up as if it had been hit with a quadruple shot of espresso , and it roared , spinning the back wheels on the wet , slick pavement . We fishtailed all over the road for a few hundred feet until Jeanne got the throttle un - stuck and the car under control . Neither one of us needed anything resembling coffee after that , the adrenaline was enough to keep us both very , very alert for the rest of the morning . We 'd already lost quite a bit of time with the whole clutch thing , which frustrated me , as I knew about the time the youth group was planning to leave , and knew where I wanted to intercept them , but I was now late , and the whole plan was looking like it was going to fall apart . I mean seriously , I didn 't even know which campground near Kalaloch they 'd be staying at … I had to find them or the whole weekend would be a wash . I calculated it out with the stub of a pencil on the roof of the car , scribbling on the back of a receipt I 'd found in the door pocket , to be about 30 liters of gas after I got the one quart of oil in there . It had to be right . If it was too rich ( too much oil ) I 'd foul the plugs and it wouldn 't run well . If it was too lean , ( not enough oil ) I 'd burn the piston rings and toast the engine . ( We 'll get into this in another story that has yet to be written , interestingly about this very thing , on this very car . ) So , that being said , the relatively simple but time consuming part of getting the oil to gas ratio wasn 't optional , it had to be done right , or the trip might not happen at all . So , it was just one more thing on this trip that absolutely had to be right . I figured it all out , got the gas , paid , hopped back into the car , and blasted out of there heading north . Once we got moving , it felt like we were actually making pretty good time , and it looked like we might make it … I just had to drive well past the speed limit , not get caught , and - oh gosh , I think Jeanne was 16 or 17 at the time … I was maybe 20 , 21 . Getting stopped with a young lady who was underage across state lines wouldn 't be good , so yes I was driving as fast as the little Saab and traffic would allow , but gosh I had my eyes peeled for anything resembling a car with red and blue lights on it . The thing is , I didn 't really feel I had much of a choice but to drive like I was driving , because we were so late already . I 'm sure at some point in there I had thoughts of " What am I doing ? ? ? " - but right then the whole idea of , " Gosh , Tom , why don 't you drive something like 750 miles in a weekend just to pull a prank on a friend ? " just seemed like the right thing to do … About an hour or so later , we were coming to a possible crossroads where , depending on where the rest of the youth group was , I would either have to turn left and get off the freeway , or go straight and try to intercept them up ahead . A look at the clock in the car made me realize I 'd better see if I could call the church to see who all ended up going , I mean , if Marc hadn 't gone , the whole thing would be off , so it was crucial for him to be there . I pulled off the freeway and into a gas station with a phone booth ( yes , this was BC - Before Cellphones ) . I ran over to the phone booth , crumpled map rustling in my wake , and called the church , where I very quickly learned several things : 1 . Marc was coming . 2 . He was driving his parent 's silver Chevy Citation , our friend Bert would be driving his parent 's red Buick , and Marc 's parents would follow up in this monster station wagon they had , with all the bigger stuff , like the tent , the food , and the stove . I also learned that they 'd left later than I expected them to , which meant that if I read the map right , we - oh , crap - I said a hurried goodbye , slammed down the receiver and tore out of there as fast as the three cylinders of the Saab would take me , leaving a cartoonish cloud of white two stroke exhaust in my wake … That was a bit too high for 2nd gear in the Saab , just a hair low for 3rd . Definitely too low for 4th . so I was stuck , right at a speed the car rarely saw unless it was accelerating through it … I remember having to constantly shift back and forth , hunting for a gear I could use . I was incensed . The road was just curvy enough , with just enough traffic , to where there was no possible way I could pass her with the acceleration the car had , Mile after mile after mile , stuck behind this old greenish Buick . I was just thinking that it couldn 't get worse , when a very heavily loaded logging truck pulled out from some foresty road right in front of the little old lady … After all that , it looked like I 'd failed . I was just imagining how hard it would be trying to catch up with the rest of the youth group after being stuck behind the truck and the little old lady when the truck turned right , and I saw something I couldn 't see around him : A bridge . That couldn 't be the bridge I was looking for . It was about 10 miles early … But … it had to be highway 8 . I didn 't understand , and asked Jeanne for the map , where I saw that highway 12 didn 't come out at Montesano , it came out at Elma , and those last 10 miles to Montesano were actually on highway 8 , which , from what I could tell , doubled as highway 12 , at least for that little bit . And that meant we were about 10 miles ahead of where we thought we were - which meant … Oh my gosh - that meant that we might actually have caught up with them . There wasn 't a second to lose , but now I didn 't know if we were ahead of them or behind them . Just in case it all worked , I 'd gotten some Groucho Marx glasses for us both - with the nose , the mustache , and the eyebrows , and so I asked Jeanne if she could get them out while I accelerated up the onramp . She was rummaging around the back seat for the masks when I hit third gear , and I remember telling her what I 'd heard on the phone a bit earlier . " Look for a silver Citation , a red Buick , and a wood sided station wagon . " And to this day , I can still remember the look on his face as he realized what was going on as he passed us . Sandy was sitting next to him , Jeanne and I both looked over in our Groucho Marx glasses , and he just stared … ( and I , of course , smiled just a touch ) . He couldn 't believe it . ( and , to be honest , I couldn 't either , but for a much different reason . ) I stayed in the slow lane until the whole caravan passed us , getting smiles from people as they looked over and realized what was going on , and then I fell in behind the last car . We all got to the beach safely , which was wonderful , and I think there were close to 15 people there when everyone was added up . By the time I 'd pulled into a parking space , Marc had already jumped out of the car and was waiting on Jeanne 's side of the car . He opened the door hugged the stuffings out of her , and I think there might have been a punch in the shoulder for me , followed by a hug when I got out . I remember the shocked look was gone from his face , and that smile of his that I always remember him having was back . Having Jeanne there was definitely a surprise , totally unexpected , but she was such a part of the ' extended ' youth group we were in , that she fit in perfectly , and then , over the next little bit the tent and stove were set up , the sleeping bags were piled into the tent , and in typical Washington summer fashion , the wind that was blowing was cold . We all ran down to the beach , where my friend Bert ( driving the red Buick ) and Marc had convinced another member of the youth group , Rachel , that this kelp they 'd found was a huge sea snake . They chased her down the beach with it . How it later ended up , cold , wet , and slightly slimy , in Bert 's sleeping bag we , um , don 't know , but it was all part of the fun of camping at the beach ( well , fun for everyone but Bert ) . We went wave hopping ( wading out into the Pacific until you 're about thigh deep , and then trying to time your jumps to keep your , um , " bits " dry as the waves come in . And let me tell you , off the Washington Coast , the Pacific Ocean is COLD . Eventually the " bits " you 're trying to keep dry and warm get wet , and cold , and who knows , depending on how long you 're in there , they might even turn blue . When things like that happened , it was obviously time to get out , so we did . Of course , that 's right about the time the sun came out , go figure . When it was bedtime , almost all of us managed to fit in the tent . It was so weird , we were all full of the energy , spunk , and yes , hormones of youth , and getting to sleep was a challenge , we were all giggling and laughing and telling stories . People had trouble believing not only that I 'd told everyone I wasn 't coming on the trip , ( we were a tightly knit bunch , and for me to not go on the campout bordered on treason ) but that I 'd actually pulled it off . And on top of it all , for me to go to visit the girl Marc liked didn 't make sense , but in the end , that night we were all together like a group of friends should be , piled together in the tent with all the formality of a litter of puppies . I honestly don 't remember much of the trip back , either to Jeanne 's or home from there . I just know it was a lot slower and gentler than the trip up . I don 't remember any of the fallout or aftermath of the story . I just know that I wanted to do something crazy and did it . I mean seriously , all of that stuff made me SO much later than I wanted to be … By the time I got to the bridge in what I thought was Montesano I was about ready to explode . I was trying to be optimistic , because it all might still have worked , but until that truck got out of the way and I realized where we were ( at the bridge that I thought was in Montesano , but actually 10 miles earlier than I was expecting it ) , I had no idea that all this planning and stuff might actually work out . I know people who are going through incredibly hard times right now . I know people who have gone through hard times and will go through harder times still … And I 've come to conclude that life is a learning process … We all will make mistakes through our decisions or indecisions . We all have bad stuff happen to us through no fault of our own , and then we 're faced with a fairly simple decision : I 've also known people for whom the struggle was so great that carrying on wasn 't an option , and to be honest , we didn 't know how bad the situation was until after the fact , and by that time it was too late . And even though the struggle may not seem big to those of us on the outside , it has taken me years to learn that we have no idea what kinds of struggles other people are going through , even if we think they 're telling us everything . Some time ago , over the course of a single week , I learned that two people I knew , who I thought had it all together , far better than I did , were losing it . You just don 't know . I learned that the end can come sooner than we think , just like that bridge I thought was in Montesano and ended up showing up 10 miles sooner … And at that point , the frustration , or at least that part of the frustration will be over . You 'll have lessons to ponder and learn , you 'll have stories to tell , but you 'll have a chance to be with your friends or family , and eventually , you 'll be through that challenge and on to the next one , and you 'll be doing your quiet version of driving home from Portland . It was old when we got it almost 20 years ago from a family that was moving out of state and couldn 't take it with them . I remember seeing it and thinking it was just the kind of swing set I 'd drooled over years ago in the old Sears catalog when I was a kid . My dad was in the Air Force at the time , and we moved around too much to be able to have our own swing set , and this time , even though it was used , the little boy inside me was just thrilled for my own kids , that they 'd be able to have the kind I 'd always wanted - down to the paint and everything . I stood there , in the morning sunshine , watching the spider weaving her web , and came to the realization that I was in the middle of a transition . My mind stumbled across it all . Among the myriad of things that had happened this year , our daughter had gotten married , and both she and her new husband were doing amazing work at their respective companies . Our son , heading off to college this fall , had started a small shop selling chainmail jewelry , which he would often make while singing along with John Rawnsley 's wonderful version of The Barber of Seville ( he 'd graduated from the Bugs Bunny version that I found myself humming … ) And then , while the last of the strains of Figaro ( the barber ) were still echoing in my mind , I thought of the lessons I 'd taught them , both consciously and unconsciously . For good or for bad , I 've learned some of the most powerful lessons that stick are the ones we don 't realize we 're teaching them , and we often only realize years later . I thought of the conversations I 'd had with both of them over their lives , and I pondered a moment at how much both the kids and the conversations had changed . Both of them were in various stages of putting away their childish things ( we know , because most of them are still in the basement 🙂 ) and are well on their way to thinking and acting like the adults they are becoming instead of the children they had been . I pondered a little more … reflecting , and then suddenly became conscious not only of the years , but of the minutes , and realized that time never stood still . It was still passing . I stole a look at my watch and realized it was time to leave for work , so I turned , took a deep breath , wiped my eyes , and like the kids , left the swing set and the memories behind to start a new day . A few years before that , my Oma - my mom 's mom , passed away in Germany , and since mom was there - she asked her dad , my Opa , if he would want to come live with us , and so he did . I still remember seeing him at the international arrivals terminal at Sea - Tac , wearing his wool coat , his old leather shoes , and his felt hat . He looked like a time traveler amidst all the hustle and bustle of the other travelers , and in some way , he was . Saturday was a gorgeous day , and we got up a little later than usual . I 'd been downstairs , and people were awake , so I went to my room to write a letter to a friend on my old Remington Noiseless typewriter . It wasn 't really noiseless , it just made thunking sounds instead of the whapping sounds a normal typewriter made . So I was just hammering that letter on it , the sun was shining , and I heard the floor in the hallway creak as Opa walked by . He pushed open the door just a bit and waved at me , peeking in like a little elf . I stopped typing and waved back . He headed further down the hall to go downstairs , and as I went back to my typing , I heard this unending , unimaginable crash like I 'd never heard before . Even all these years later , I 'm at a loss to find words to describe it , and in the moment after the crashing sound stopped and before I got up , I heard my dad 's voice yelling , " Tom ! You know First Aid ! Come down here ! " - I ran down the stairs I 'd helped him up so many times , and saw Opa lying in the middle of a bunch of broken pottery , a huge gash on the top of his head . I yelled for a flashlight , and for the first time in my life , shined a light in someone 's eyes , like I 'd been taught in my First Aid class , only to have no one looking back at me . I yelled for dad to call the hospital for a helicopter ( I 'd had a bit of experience with them ) and went back to Opa . He had a pulse , but it was irregular , so I didn 't start CPR , but kept checking his eyes . One responded , the other didn 't , and was pretty much dilated . I knew then , if I hadn 't known earlier , that things were very , very bad . Mom 's cousins were standing behind me as I was working on him . Dad had the phone cord stretched as far as it would go to tell me that the hospital couldn 't just send a chopper - that a medic needed to call it . He handed me the phone , and the person on the other end of the line indeed said I couldn 't order one … Only a medic could do that . I asked him , politely , but in no uncertain terms , to call the medics then . He said he would . About that time Opa had a pretty big convulsion , and one of mom 's cousins blurted out , " Der Stirbt ! " ( He 's dying ! ) - I wasn 't ready to accept that - and told her , also in no uncertain terms to shut up . I was 21 and wasn 't quite of the age where I could tell her that ( she was mom 's age ) , but I did . In less than a minute the siren went off for the Volunteer Fire Department in our town . The fellow on the other end of the line had made the call . Help was on the way . I stood up and made room for Roy , the police officer and paramedic who 'd been involved the time I 'd needed a helicopter to get to a hospital , and he started doing CPR . By this time there were so many people in the hallway it was hard to move . Mom and I stood in the door to the living room just off the hallway , and we both ( we talked about this later , not right then ) were keenly aware of a presence above and between us . It was clear to both of us that it was Opa 's spirit , leaving at that time , and we both remembered " hearing " - honestly , " sensing " is more accurate - the words , " Lass mi doch ganga " - translated from our dialect , It was quickly decided that he 'd go to the hospital in the ambulance , and mom and I followed in my old Saab , and we drove as fast as we could to catch up , watching Roy doing CPR on Opa the whole way . He must have been absolutely drained by the time we got to the hospital . I remember trying to pass the ambulance so we could get there and be parked by the time it got there , but the car , it turned out , had a clogged fuel filter and wouldn 't let me pass , so I tucked in behind it again , watching Roy trying to pump life into Opa 's chest through the ambulance 's back window . We got there , and they rushed him in straight through the E . R , Roy still doing the CPR as he ran alongside the gurney . Mom and I were told to wait in a stuffy waiting room , but there were so many people there , we told them we 'd be outside as we tried to comprehend all that had happened . They promised they 'd send someone for us if there was anything we could do . At 12 : 00 straight up , the sliding doors opened and someone came out and told us he was gone . They led us into the room he was in , partitioned off by curtains , and there was our Opa , lying on a bed , covered with sheets , looking as peaceful as anything . Mom took some scissors and cut a little of his beard off to remember him by , we signed some papers , and then headed home , both , admittedly in a bit of shock . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Ever since I was a little kid , I didn 't want to be me . I wanted to be like Billy Windledon , and Billy Windledon didn 't even like me . I walked like he walked ; I talked like he talked ; and I signed up for the high school he signed up for . Which was why Billy Windledon changed . He began to hang around Herby Vandeman ; he walked like Herby Vandeman ; he talked like Herby Vandeman . He mixed me up ! I began to walk and talk like Billy Windledon , who was walking and talking like Herby Vandeman . And then it dawned on me that Herby Vandeman walked and talked like Joey Haverlin . And Joey Haverlin walked and talked like Corky Sabinson . So here I am walking and talking like Billy Windledon 's imitation of Herby Vandeman 's version of Joey Haverlin , trying to walk and talk like Corky Sabinson . And who do you think Corky Sabinson is always walking and talking like ? Of all people , Dopey Wellington - that little pest who walks and talks like me ! I was working as a consultant in a beer company , helping the president and senior vice - president formulate and implement their new strategic vision . It was an enormous challenge . At the same time , my mother was in the final stages of cancer . I worked during the day and drove 40 miles home to be with her every night . It was tiring and stressful , but it was what I wanted to do . My commitment was to continue to do excellent consulting during the day , even though my evenings were very hard . I didn 't want to bother the president with my situation , yet I felt someone at the company needed to know what was going on . So I told the vice - president of Human Resources , asking him not to share the information with anyone . A few days later , the president called me into his office . I figured he wanted to talk to me about one of the many issues we were working on . When I entered , he asked me to sit down . He faced me from across his large desk , looked me in the eye and said , " I hear your mother is very ill . " I was totally caught by surprise and burst into tears . He just looked at me , let my crying subside and then gently said a sentence I will never forget : " Whatever you need . " That was it . His understanding and his willingness to both let me be on my pain and to offer me everything were qualities of compassion that I carry with me to this day . When I was five , my biological father committed suicide . It left me feeling as though I 'd done something wrong , that if I had been better somehow , maybe he 'd have stayed around . My mother remarried shortly thereafter , and this man was my dad until I was nineteen . I called him Dad and used his name all through school . But when he and my mother divorced , he just walked away . Once again , I wondered what was wrong with me that I couldn 't keep a father . Mother remarried again , and Bob was a wonderful , jind man . I was twenty now and no longer living at home , but I felt a great love and attachment for him . A few years later my mother was diagnosed with cancer and was not given long to live . Shortly before she died , Bob came over to my house alone one day . We talked about a lot of things , and then he told me that he wanted me to know that he 'd always be there for me , even after Mother was gone . Then he asked if he could adopt me . I could hardly believe my eyes . Tears streamed down my face . He wanted me - me ! This man had no obligation to me , but he was reaching out from his heart , and I accepted , During the adoption proceedings , the judge commented on all of the undesireable duties of his profession and then with a tear in his eye , thanked us for brightening his day as he pronounced us father and daughter . I was twenty - five , but I was his little girl . Three short years later , Bob , too , was diagnosed with cancer and was gone within the year . At first I was hurt and angry at God for taking this father away too . But eventually the love and acceptance that I felt from Dad came through again , and I became , once more , grateful the years we had . On Father 's Day I always reflect on what I 've learned about fatherhood . I 've learned that it is not dependent on biology or even on raising child . Fatherhood is a matter of the heart . Bob 's gift from the heart will warm my soul for eternity . When I was in seventh grade , I was a candy striper at a local hospital in my town . I volunteered about thirty to forty hours a week during the summer . Most of the time I spent there with Mr Gillespie . He never had any visitors and nobody seemed to care about his condition . I spent many days there holding his hand and talking to him , helping with anything that needed to be done . He became a close friend of mine , even though he responded with only an occasional squeeze of my hand . Mr Gillespie was in a coma . I left for a week to vacation with my parents and when I came back , Mr Gillespie was gone . I didn 't have the nerve to ask any of the nurses where he was , for fear they might tell me he had dies . So with many questions unanswered , I continued to volunteer there through my eighth - grade year . Several years later , when I was a junior in high school , I was at the gas station when I noticed a familiar face . When I realised who it was , my eyes filled with tears . He was alive ! I got up the nerve to ask him if his name was Mr Gillespie and if he had been in a coma about five years ago . With an uncertain look in his face , he replied yes . I explained how I knew and that I had spent many hours talking with him in the hospital . His eyes welled up with tears and he gave me the warmest hug I had ever received . He began telling me how , as he lay there comatose , he could hear me talking to him and could feel me holding his hand the whole time . He thought it was an angel , not a person , who was there with him . Mr Gillespie firmly believed that it was my voice and touch that had kept him alive . Then he told me about his life and what happened to him to put him in the coma . We both cried for a while and exchanged a hug , said good - byes and went our separate ways . Although I haven 't seen him since , he fills my heart with joy every day . I know that I made a difference between his life and his death . More important , he has made a tremendous difference in my life . I will never forget him and what he did for me : he made me an angel . In the fourth round of a national spelling bee in Washington , eleven - year - old Rosalie Elliot , a champion from South Carolina , was asked to spell the word " avowal " . Her soft Southern accent made it difficult for judges to determine if she had used an ' a ' or an ' e ' as the next to last letter of the word . They deliberated for several minutes and also listened to tape recording playbacks , but still they couldn 't determine which letter had been pronounced . Finally the chief judge , John Lloyd , out the question to the only person who knew the answer . He asked Rosalie , " Was the letter an ' a ' or an ' e ' ? " Rosalie , surrounded by whispering young spellers , knew by now the correct spelling of the word . But without hesitation , she replied that she has misspelled the word and had used an ' e ' . As she walked from the stage , the entire audience stood and applauded her honesty and integrity , including dozens of newspaper reporters covering the event . While Rosalie had not won the contest , she had definitely emerged a winner that day Seventy years ago I was quite a small little girl , the baby of the family , with an older brother and sister . My father was very ill at the time and my mother took in sewing of any kind so we could live . She would sew far into the night with nothing but dim gas mantles and an old treadle sewing machine . She never complained even when the fire would be low and the food very scarce . She would sew until the early hours of the morning . Things were very bad that particular winter . Then a letter came from where her sewing machine was purchased , stating that they would have to pick up her machine the next day unless payments were brought up to date . I remember when she read the letter I became frightened ; I could picture us starving to death and all sorts of things that could come to a child 's mind . My mother did not appear to be worried , however and seemed to be quite calm about the matter . I , on the other hand , cried myself to sleep , wondering what would become of our family . Mother said God would not fail her , that he never had . I couldn 't see how God was going to help us keep this old sewing machine . The day the men were to come for our only means of support , there was a knock at the kitchen door . I was frightened as a child would be , for I was sure it was those dreaded men . Instead , a nicely dressed man stood at our door with a darling baby in his arms . He asked my mother if she was Mrs Hill . When she said she was , he said , " I 'm in trouble this morning and you have been recommended by the druggist and grocer down the street as an honest and wonderful woman . My wife was rushed to the hospital this morning and since we have no relatives here , and I must open my dentist office , I have nowhere to leave my baby . Could you possibly take care of her for a few days ? " He continued , " I will pay you in advance . " With this he took out ten dollars and gave it to my mother . Mother said , " Yes , yes , I will be glad to do so . " and took the baby from his arms . When the man left , mother turned to me with tears streaming down a face that looked a though a light was shining on it . She said , " I knew God would never let them take away my machine . " One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people live . They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family . On their return from their trip , the father asked his son , " How was the trip ? " It was great , Dad . " Did you see how poor people live ? " the father asked . " Oh yeah , " said the son . " So , tell me , what did you learn from the trip ? " asked the father . The son answered : " I saw that we have one dog and they had four . We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end . We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night . Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon . We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight . We have servants who serve us , but they serve others . We buy our food , but they grow theirs . We have walls around our property to protect us , they have friends to protect them . " The boy 's father was speechless . Then his son added , " Thanks , Dad , for showing me how poor we are . " Isn 't perspective a wonderful thing ? Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have , instead of worrying about what we don 't have . One fall afternoon I rushed from the university where I taught . I prepared a hasty dinner , threatened my nine - year - old daughter , Christi , to hurry and finish her homework " or else , " and properly reprimanded Del , my husband , for leaving his dusty shoes on the good carpet . I then frantically vacuumed the entryway because a group of prestigious ladies were coming by to pick up some good used clothing for a worthwhile cause ; and then later a graduate student would be at our house to work on a very important thesis - one that I was certain would make a sound contribution to research . As I paused to catch my breath , I heard Christi talking with a friend on the telephone . Her comments went something like this : " Mom is cleaning house - some ladies we don 't even know are coming by to pick up some old worn - out clothes . . . and a college student is coming out to work on a thesis . . . no , I don 't know what a thesis is . . . I just know Mom isn 't doing anything important . . . and she won 't go bug hunting with me . " Before Christi had hung up the phone , I had put on my jeans and old tennis shoes , persuaded Del to do likewise , pinned a note to the door telling the graduate student I 'd be back soon , and set the box of used clothing on the front porch with a note on it that Del , Christi and I had gone bug hunting . The question is asked , " Is there anything more beautiful in life than a boy and a girl clasping clean hands and pure hearts in the path of marriage ? Can there be anything more beautiful than young love ? " And the answer is given . " Yes , there is a more beautiful thing . It is the spectacle of an old man and an old woman finishing their journey together on that path . Their hands are gnarled , but still clasped ; their faces are seamed , but still radiant ; their hearts are physically bowed and tired , but still strong with love and devotion for one another . Yes there is a more beautiful thing than young love . Old love . " Three things in human life are important : The first is to be kind . The second is to be kind . And the third is to be kind - Henry James Not too long ago , a guest checking out of our Polynesian Village resort at Walt Disney was asked how she enjoyed her visit . She told the front - desk clerk she had a wonderful vacation , but was heartbroken about losing several rolls of Kodak colour film she had not yet developed . She was particularly upset over the loss of the pictures she had shot at our Polynesian Luau , as this was a memory she especially treasured . Now , please understand that we have no written service standards covering lost luau snapshots . Fortunately , the hostess at the front desk understood Disney 's philosophy of caring for our guests . She asked the woman to leave her a couple of rolls of fresh film , promising she would take care of the rest . Two weeks later , this guest received a package at her home . In it were photos of the entire cast of our luau show , personally autographed by each performer . There were also photos of the parade and fireworks in the theme park , taken by the front - desk hostess on her own time , after work . I happen to know this story because this guest wrote us a letter . She said that never in her life had she received such compassionate service from any business establishment . Heroic service does not come from policy manuals . It comes from people who care - and from a culture that encourages and models that attitude . In Srully Blotnick 's research reflected in Getting Rich Your Own Way ( Playboy Paperbacks , 1982 ) , 1500 people were divided into two groups are followed for 20 years . Group A made up 83 % of the sample . These people are embarking on a career chosen for the reason of making money now in order to do what they wanted later . Group B , the other 17 % chose their career based on what they wanted to do now and would worry about the money later . In 1699 , the Sikh guru Gobind Singh from Punjab formed the Khalsa - a brotherhood of believers . The day April 14 , is known as Vesakhi Day , the sikh new year . The Guru gave the name Singh to every male and the name Kaur to every female . Singh means ' lion ' while Kaur means ' lioness or princess ' . The moment a Punjabi child is born , he or she is brought to the temple to receive blessings , and will get the same universal name . A Sikh does not have an individual surname and thus , a Sikh man 's daughter would not carry his name . In Sikhism , Khalsa also means purity - the purity that you are given when you are born , and you are to maintain that purity in form , mind and soul . This would include the symbols of five Ks - Kesh ( hair ) , Kara ( steel bangle ) , Kangha ( comb ) , Keehara ( loose undergarment ) and Kirpan ( dagger ) . Shops that have a lot of sales simply budget to sell goods at the reduced tariff , treating any full - price purchases as a bonus . They cope with the smaller income by buying in bulk and hoping that the reduced products will draw in customers to buy pricier items . Sales are still a more successful marketing tool than permanently low prices because shoppers prefer an " event " to everyday value , says Dr Hugh Philips of Bournemouth University in England , an expert in the psychology of shopping . " It satisfies our hunting instinct to feel we 've tracked down a bargain , " he explains . " Even if we queue for four hours to save a dollar . " Three cowboys had been riding the range since early in the morning . One of them was a member of the Navajo Nation . Being busy with herding stray cattle all day , there had been no time for the three of them to eat . Toward the end of the day , two of the cowboys started talking about how hungry they were and about the huge meals they were going to eat when they reach town . When one of the cowboys asked the Navajo if he was hungry , he just shrugged his shoulders and said , " No ' " . Later that evening , after they had arrived in town , all three ordered large steak dinners . As the Navajo proceeded to eat everything in sight with great gusto , one of his friends reminded him that less than an hour earlier he had told them that he was not hungry . " Not wise to be hungry then , " he replied . No food . " I 'd dare to make more mistakes next time . I 'd relax . I would limber up . I would be sillier that I have been this trip . I would take fewer things seriously . I would take more chances . I would take more trips . I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers . I would eat more ice cream abd less beans . I would perhaps have more actual troubles but I 'd have fewer imaginary ones . You see , I 'm one of those people who live sensibly and sanely hour after hour , day after day . Oh , I 've had my moments and if I had it to do over again , I 'd have more of them . In fact , I 'd try to have nothing else . Just moments . One after another , instead of living so many years ahead of each day . I 've been one of those people who never go anywhere without a thermometer , a hot water bottle , a rain - coat and a parachute . If I had to do again , I would travel lighter next time . If I had my life to live over , I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall . I would go to more dances . I would ride more merry - go - rounds . I would pick more daisies . There is more than one way to do something . More than one person has had good ideas that will work . There is no one and only " best " way . Everybody has ideas that are worthwhile . Some may make more sense to me than others , but everyone 's ideas are worthwhile and everyone has something worthwhile to contribute . I can 't solve other people 's problems for them . I don 't have to take on other people 's problems as if they were my own . I don 't need to change other people or fix up their lives . They are capable and can take care of themselves and can solve their own problems . I can care and be of some help , but I can 't do everything for them . I don 't have to be a certain way because of what has happened in the past . Every day is a new life . It 's silly to think I can 't help being the way I am . Of course I can . I can change . I don 't need someone else to take care of my problems . I am capable . I can take care of myself . I can think for myself . I don 't have to depend on somebody else to take care of me . I can . Even though I may be faced with difficult tasks , it is better to try than to avoid them . Avoiding a task does not give me any opportunities for success or joy , but trying does . Things worth having are worth the effort . I might not be able to do everything , but I can do something . I don 't need to watch out for things to go wrong . Things usually go just fine and when they don 't , I can handle it . I don 't have to waste my energy worrying . The sky won 't fall in ; things will be okay . I am responsible for how I feel and what I do . Nobody can make me feel anything . If I have a rotten day , I am the one who allowed it to be that way . If I have a great day , I am the one who deserves credit for being positive . It is not the responsibility of other people to change so that I can feel better . I am the one who is in charge of my life . I will survive if things are different than what I want them to be . I can accept things the way they are , accept people the way they are and accept myself the way I am . There is no reason to get upset if I can 't change things to fit my idea of how they ought to be . There is no reason why I should have to like everything . Even if I don 't like it , I can live with it . People who do things I don 't like are not necessarily bad people . They should not necessarily be punished just because I don 't like what they do or did . There is no reason why other people should be the way I want them to be and there is no reason why I should be the way somebody else wants me to be . People will be whatever they want to be and I will be whatever I want to be . I cannot control other people or change them . They are who they are ; we all deserve basic respect . Making mistakes is something we all do and I am still a fine and worthwhile person when I make them . There is no reason for me to get upset when I make a mistake . I am trying and if I make a mistake , I am going to continue trying . I can handle making a mistake . It is okay for others to make mistakes , too . I will accept mistakes in myself and also mistakes that others make . Not everybody has to love me or even like me . I don 't necessarily like everybody I know , so why should everybody else like me ? I enjoy being liked and being loved , but if somebody doesn 't like me , I will still be okay and still feel like I am an okay person . I cannot make somebody like me , any more than someone can get me to like them . I don 't need approval all the time . If someone does not approve of me , I will still be okay . Walking through Chinatown , a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants , shops , signs and banners . He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign , " Hans Olaffsen 's Laundry . " " Hans Olaffsen ? " , he muses . " How the heck does that fit in here ? " So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter . The tourist asks , " How did this place get a name like " Hans Olaffsen 's Laundry ? " The old man answers , " Is name of owner . " The tourist asks , " Well , who and where is the owner ? " " Me , is right here , " replies the old man . " You ? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen ? " " Is simple , " says the old man . " Many , many year ago when come to this country , was stand in line at Documentation Center . Man in front was big blonde Swede . Lady look at him and go , " What your name ? " He say , " Hans Olaffsen . " Then she look at me and go , ' What your name ? ' " " I say , Sem Ting . " My grandfather took me to the fish pond on the farm when I was about seven , and he told me to throw a stone into the water . He told me to watch the circles created by the stone . Then he asked me to think of myself as that stone person . " You may create lots of splashes in your life but the waves that come from those splashes will disturb the peace of all your fellow creatures , " he said . " Remember that you are responsible for what you put in your circle and that circle will also touch many other circles . You will need to live in a way that allows the good that comes from your circle to send the peace of that goodness to others . The splash that comes from anger or jealousy will send those feelings to other circles . You are responsible for both . " That was the first time I realized each person creates the inner peace or discord that flows out into the world . We cannot create world peace if we are riddled with inner conflict , hatred , doubt , or anger . We radiate the feelings and thoughts that we hold inside , whether we speak them or not . Whatever is splashing around inside of us is spilling out into the world , creating beauty or discord with all other circles of life . Mark was walking home from school one day when he noticed the boy ahead of him had tripped and dropped all of the books he was carrying , along with two sweaters , a baseball bat , a glove and a small tape recorder . Mark knelt down and helped the boy pick up the scattered articles . Since they were going the same way , he helped to carry part of the burden . As they walked Mark discovered the boy 's name was Bill , that he loved video games , baseball and history , that he was having a lot of trouble with his other subjects and that he had just broken up with his girlfriend . They arrived at Bill 's home first and Mark was invited for a Coke and to watch some television . The afternoon passed pleasantly with a few laughs and some shared small talk , then Mark went home . They continued to see each other around school , had lunch together once or twice , then both graduated from junior high school . They ended up in the same high school where they had brief contacts over the years . Finally the long awaited senior year came , and three weeks before graduation , Bill asked Mark if they could talk . Bill reminded him of the day years ago when they had first met . " Do you ever wonder why I was carrying so many things home that day ? " asked Bill . " You see , I cleaned out my locker because I didn 't want to leave a mess for anyone else . I had stored away some of my mother 's sleeping pills and I was going home to commit suicide . But after we spent some time together talking and laughing , I realized that if I had killed myself , I would have missed that time and so many others that might follow . So you see , Mark , when you picked up my books that day , you did a lot more . You saved my life . " About ten years ago a young and a very successful executive named Josh was travelling down a Chicago neighbourhood street . He was travelling a bit fast in his sleek , black , sixteen - cylinder Jaguar XKE , which was only two months old . He watched for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something . As his car passed , no child darted out , but a brick sailed and - whump - smashed into the Jag 's shiny side door . SCREECH ! Brakes slammed . Gears pounded into reverse and tires madly spun the Jaguar back to the spot from where the brick was thrown . Josh jumped out of the car , grabbed the kid and pushed him up against a parked car . He shouted at the kid , " Just what was that about ? Who do you think you are ? " Building up a head of steam he continued , " That 's my new Jag ; that brick is going to cost you plenty . Why did you throw it ? " " Please . . . please , mister , I 'm sorry . I didn 't know what else to do , " pleaded the youngster . " I threw the brick because no one else would stop . " Tears were dripping down the boy 's chin as he pointed around the parked car . " It 's my brother , mister , " he said . " He fell out of his wheelchair and I can 't lift him up . " Sobbing , the boy asked the executive , " Would you please help him back into his wheelchair ? He 's too heavy for me . " Moved beyond words , the young executive tried desperately to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat . He helped the youngster upright the wheelchair and the two of them lifted his brother back into the chair . It was a long , long walk back to the sleek , black , sixteen - cylinder Jaguar XKE - a long and slow walk . Now , Josh never did fix the side door of his Jaguar . It reminded him not to go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at him to get his attention . One day their drill sergeant came out and threw a hand grenade into a group of young soldiers . The men all ran away and took cover away from the grenade . Then the drill sergeant told them that the grenade was not set to explode and he just did it to see their reaction . The next day a newly recruited joined the group . The drill sergeant told the other soldiers not to tell the new soldier what was going to happen . As the drill sergeant came out and threw the grenade into the crowd of soldiers , the new soldier , not knowing it wasn 't going to explode , threw himself on top of the grenade to prevent it from killing the other men . He was willing to die for his fellow soldiers . Isn 't it amazing how few of us ask ourselves the important question ? Several years ago I was invited to hear an important speaker address the student body of a small college in South Corolina . The auditorium was filled with students excited about the opportunity to hear a person of her stature speak . After the governor gave the introduction , the speaker moved to the microphone , looked at the audience from left to right , and began : " I was born to a mother who was deaf and could not speak . I do not know who my father is or was . The first job I ever had was in a cotton field . " The audience was spellbound . " Nothing has to remain the way it is if that 's not the way a person wants it to be , " she continued . " It isn 't luck , and it isn 't circumstances , and it isn 't born a certain way that causes a person 's future to become what it becomes . " And she softly repeated , " Nothing has to remain the way it is if that 's not the way a person wants it to be . " All a person has to do , " she added in a firm voice , " to change a situation that brings unhappiness or dissatisfaction is answer the question : ' How do I want this situation to become ? ' Then the person must commit totally to personal actions that carry them there . " Then a beautiful smile shone forth as she said , " My name is Azie Taylor Morton . I stand before you today as Treasurer of the United States of America . " He was admitted to emergency receiving and placed on the cardiac floor . Long hair , unshaven , dirty , dangerously obese , with a black motorcycle jacket tossed on the bottom shelf of the stretcher , he was an outsider to this sterile world of shinning terrazzo floors , efficient uniformed professionals and strict infection control procedures . Definitely an untouchable . The nurses at the station looked wide - eyed as this mound of humanity was wheeled by , each glancing nervously at Bonnie , the head nurse . " Let this one not be mine to admit , bathe and tend to . . . " was their pleading unspoken message . One of the true marks of a leader , a consummate professional , is to do the unthinkable . To tackle the impossible . To touch the untouchable . It was Bonnie who said , " I want this patient myself . " Highly unusual for a head nurse - unconventional - but the stuff out of which human spirits thrive , heal and soar . As she donned her latex gloves and proceeded to bathe this huge , very unclean man , her heart almost broke . Where was his family ? Who was his mother ? What was he like as a little boy ? She hummed quietly as she worked . It seemed to ease the fear and embarrassment she knew he must be feeling . And then on a whim she said , " We don 't have time for back rubs much in hospitals these days , but I bet one would really feel good . And it would help you relax your muscles and start to heal . " The thick , scaly , ruddy skin told a story of an abusive lifestyle : probably lots of addictive behavior with food , alcohol and drugs . As she rubbed those taut muscles , she hummed and prayed . Prayed for the soul of a little boy grown up , rejected by life 's rudeness and striving for acceptance in hard , hostile world . The finale was warmed lotion and baby powder . Almost laughable - such a contrast to this huge , foreign surface . As he rolled over his back , tears ran down his cheeks and his chin trembled . With amazingly beautiful brown eyes , he smiled and said in a quivering voice , " No one has touched me for years . Thank you . I am healing . " A man found an eagle 's egg and put it in a nest of a barnyard hen . The eagle hatched with the brood of chicks and grew up with them . All his life , the eagle did what the barnyard chicks did , thinking he was a barnyard chicken . He scratched the earth for worms and insects . He clucked and cackled . And he would thrash his wings and fly a few feet in the air . Years passed and the eagle grew very old . One day he saw a magnificent bird above him in the cloudless sky . It glided in graceful majesty among powerful wind currents , with scarcely a beat of its strong golden wings . The old eagle looked up in awe . " Who 's that ? " he asked . " That 's the eagle , the king of birds , " said his neighbour . " He belongs to the sky . We belong to the earth - we 're chickens . " So the eagle lived and died a chicken , for that 's what he thought he was . In Srully Blotnick 's research reflected in Getting Rich Your Own Way ( Playboy Paperbacks , 1982 ) , 1500 people were divided into two groups are followed for 20 years . Group A made up 83 % of the sample . These people are embarking on a career chosen for the reason of making money now in order to do what they wanted later . Group B , the other 17 % chose their career based on what they wanted to do now and would worry about the money later . In the days when ice cream sundae cost much less , a 10 - year - old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table . A waitress put a glass of water in front of him . " How much is an ice cream sundae ? " " Fifty cents , " replied the waitress . The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and studies a number of coins in it . " How much is a dish of plain ice cream ? " he inquired . Some people were now waiting for a table and the waitress was a bit impatient . " Thirty - five cents , " she said brusquely . The little boy again countered the coins . " I 'll have the plain ice cream , " he said . The waitress brought the ice cream , put the bill on the table and walked away . The boy finished the ice cream , paid the cashier and departed . When the waitress came back , she began wiping down the table and then swallowed hard at what she saw . There , placed neatly beside the empty dish , were two nickels and five pennies - her tip . |
Category : Short Fiction Shared Empathy - Chapter Eight April 26 , 2017April 26 , 2017 NooryaK1 Comment He was fairly anxious before entering the O . R . The scrubbing brushed off some of the nerves , with it came the realization that he missed it and was surprised by the automatic curt nod upon Dr . Sullivan 's welcome . It was natural , professional like he hadn 't been away from surgery for five years . After that , there was a mask to hide the face and besides no one was actually looking . Relieved to know all the steps to the procedure there were a few moments where it felt like all he needed to do was pick up the scalpel and everything would be normal again . It was until he walked out of the O . R , that the gloom began to set in the pit of his stomach and the relief was replaced by doubt again . By the time he came home , he was sure that this is the farthest he should go and if he actually picked up the scalpel again something would go wrong . He would forget a step or his hands wouldn 't be steady enough . A part of him knew this was just doubt speaking and another part knew he was losing the battle . Take the plunge , move to the other side , jump off ; all those metaphors kept making appearances as well . But that was the thing ; despite knowing everything , here he was still standing at the same point . Alan spent the rest of the day doing nothing . Nola came by to cheer , during which time he deliberately kept steering the conversation towards something other than the supposed small victory . He didn 't want the attention and the praise because he still felt the same - like the day before today . Except for the few moments in the O . R where the past seemed irrelevant . She also announced that she finally got an interview call and would be going for it in the following week , which he was happy to know and hoped that they both had something good waiting for them . When she left , Alan dug up his refrigerator and started making a stir fry of everything that was available , even though he just had dinner . This is what he did when he needed a distraction . The sound of the knife hitting the cutting board , slight hum of the burner , and the sizzling somehow kept the storm in his mind locked away . He wanted to tire out and go straight to sleep . So , when done with the stir fry , he started making a cake because that took time . By the time the cake was rising in the oven , all the drawers were rearranged and all the shelves clean and shining . There was a reason the freezer was always full . The cake was now packed away into small containers ready to go in the freezer , the cake waiting on the cooling stand . After looking at it for several minutes , contemplating what to do with it , he thought ; I 'll take it to my AA meeting tomorrow . When he finally hit the bed , the storm was a mishmash of anxious thoughts swimming in his head , but the body was tired enough not to catch up with them . It was a dreamless night but upon opening eyes to the bright morning sun , a single thought hit him . He wanted to go back to the O . R . He didn 't want to be standing at the same point anymore . Shared Empathy - Chapter Seven March 11 , 2017March 11 , 2017 NooryaKLeave a comment Luna 's coffee shop - Nola looked up just before pushing the door to enter her workplace . She did that daily , unconsciously checked if she was entering the right place . Maybe it was because she hated working there , or after working there for a while now , she still didn 't feel that she belonged . She walked towards the staff entrance not looking around at all . As she reached the small locker room and put her bag inside her locker , Dan came from the kitchen back door . She nodded and took off her jacket , wondering who she 'd have to deal with . She wasn 't in the mood . Well , she was never in the mood lately . She entered the kitchen and found the girl standing near a shelf looking around . It wasn 't a big kitchen , but housed all the baking equipment and utensils . The boss was a middle - aged lady , who loved baking and this business had worked for her . The only reason Nola was still surviving this job was because the lady was kind , straight forward and didn 't fuss around for nothing . As she came closer to the girl , she realized it was the same girl who came in some time ago . The nervous teenager . She got the job . It was afternoon and there wasn 't much rush . Dan looked up from his phone when he saw her coming and went away , handing over the shift with a nod . One more girl was working the evening shift with her . " This is Sophie and that was Dan . Just observe me for today and ask anything you want . Ok ? You 'll be doing the evening shifts mostly I suppose ? " " Ok . That 's Ok " , she smiled and tried to make her feel comfortable . Stupid question Nola . She could see it wasn 't an easy question for the girl . She regretted bringing it up because she knew how bad it felt to be asked the questions you didn 't want to answer . They spent the rest of the day like that with Ivana observing her . It got busier in the evening . Ivana was good at learning that she could tell and she seemed much more at ease now . As they packed up their stuff to leave , Nola felt that she should ask her how she would be going home . After all , she was a kid . " Ok , if you are Ok " , she smiled and started walking outside . The boss always closed up the shop half an hour after it was closed to the public so she just walked out of the door with Ivana by her side . Alan 's car was parked outside , she waved her goodbye and went towards the car . Alan put the car into drive and moved towards their usual restaurant . The place that had the best lasagna and not many people for this kind of unplanned talk out sessions . Alan had texted her earlier in the day that he wanted to meet up . " I 'm going for it tomorrow . I talked to the chief and he said I could come and observe . You know , to get into the whole thing . I 'm just so nervous . " They arrived at the restaurant and went inside . They actually had a table and the waiters knew them . Nola really liked it . They sat at their table which just got free and ordered the usual . " It 's gonna be fine " , she said what Alan wanted to hear trying to make it look as natural as possible . She didn 't think her words would do anything . If it was going to be bad , it was going to be bad . But she tried to be a good friend . Maybe her words did help him somehow . " You think ? " he said and didn 't wait for her to answer , " it 's just I know it won 't be bad . I 'm just observing . It 's not like I 'll be doing any actual work . But still , it 's been ages . It 's just overwhelming I guess and a little embarrassing too . I was an attending and now it feels like I am an intern all over again " " I know what you mean " , Nola responded . Most of the time she was good at giving positive advice to other people . All it took was some good energy and she usually had it for other people , especially for Alan . Today , she was just down herself . Their food arrived and they dug in . " Don 't ruin my diner please " . She made a face . It 's been two weeks since they made that promise . Alan has been keeping up with it . Hence , the emergency meeting . She had been keeping up too and looking for jobs . Online , on the newspaper , but every ad made her feel like she couldn 't do it . " Good " , Alan knew when to not put pressure on her and she was grateful for that . They continued eating in silence for a while . She didn 't have anything to fill in the silence today . She was running low on positivity . Very low . " That just means you believe I will pass out . Damn it . You are the worst . I came here looking for support " , Alan had his sheepish face on and tried to sound mad but failed . " What do you want me to say ? I 'm a bigger loser than you are . I don 't think I have a right to laugh at you . At least you are trying . You 'll be fine . In fact , you 'll come back smiling . And the next time you 'll even start doing the actual thing . You just need to go back " Alan took a long sigh and put down his fork . He was nervous but a part of him wanted to go so maybe it won 't be that bad . He tried to tell himself repeatedly that he was sober now and he wasn 't going back in that hell hole again . That much he was sure of . He reminded himself that he didn 't actually kill the kid and he should give himself a chance . You never know if you never try , they say . What could go wrong ? But the fear was still there , telling him he wasn 't trustworthy enough . Shared Empathy - Chapter Six December 24 , 2016 NooryaKLeave a comment They all settled in the living room once the guests were gone . Sarah and Nola sat on the couch , Peter took the armchair on their right while Alan perched comfortably on a big cushion on the floor . They talked and caught up on each other 's lives now that they were alone . " Oh no , Sarah . I can 't . I have an early shift tomorrow . In fact , I should get going if I have to catch the 11 o ' clock sub " , Nola replied getting off the couch . " Well , I did one thing right with this son of mine . He 's right , you should go with him . It 's late " , said Sarah . They all laughed at this and Nola picked up her bag hanging it across the body . Alan came carrying two bags which she knew contained packed food from the dinner . " I 'm gonna put these in the car " , he said , and went out the main door . " Okay , guys I had a lovely time . You should visit more often . It 's always great to have you here " , she said with a tinge of sadness in her voice . They had really become like her parents now and she always missed them after their visits . " Honey , you should come to us sometime . I 'll ask Alan to bring you " . Peter put an arm around her shoulders and walked her towards the door . Sarah walked right beside them . They were in the car now . There was no heavy traffic but the roads weren 't completely empty either . The car was moving smoothly on the main road matching the mood outside . He took a left turn . The car slowed down a little as they passed a busy street . After a few seconds of silence , he said , " I don 't though . I don 't Nola . I don 't trust myself . You know I don 't have a bad childhood or a particular incident to blame this on . It was all me . And I know , I know this is a wrong thing to say . But , I guess it gets easier if you have something to blame . I started taking drugs because I wanted to try them . I was fascinated by the idea of them . I thought I had it under control until I lost It . " , his face was flushed and he gripped the steering tighter , " I got dependent . Started making mistakes in the O . R , missed steps in examinations and then that day … " He was called in for an emergency on his day off . A 14 - year - old had come in with a head trauma . There was a brain bleed that needed to be clipped immediately . Alan always took calculated doses during work hours , he only splurged when he could . That day he just rushed to the surgery , his daily intake forgotten . Four hours into the surgery , he started getting irritable . He started losing the steadiness in his hands and snapping at the nurses . He lost his focus and nicked the wrong place which caused another bleed . Alan froze . He knew what to do but he was too numb with fear and more than that the reason for his behavior . The assistant doctor and nurses asked him what to do and shouted the boys dropping vital levels at him , but he was unable to shake off the realization that it was happening because he didn 't take the drugs . Thankfully , the assistant snapped him out of his trance , adrenaline kicked in and he stopped the bleed . The patient survived but he could have died . He took pride in what he did and the fact that a child could have died because of his folly became his regret . He started fearing surgery . Drugs were the reason for his downfall but now they became his solace . Instead of getting help , he used more to forget . The thoughts that the boy could have died didn 't leave him except when he stuffed his body with drugs . He was the spinner of his own cycle and he couldn 't stop spinning . Three years after that he was still struggling between wallowing and failing at rehab , then he met Nola . She looked out the window . She didn 't know the right words to make him believe . She knew his condition . She was living it herself . When the regrets are haunting you , nothing makes sense . The night grew quieter and so did the car . They drove like that until they reached her apartment building . He parked the car on the side of the road and looked towards her . She looked back and turned towards him , folding one leg underneath her . " It 's in you , Alan . Surgery is a part of you , you didn 't lose it . You lost control for a while but you have it now . You 've been sober for more than six months . That 's the longest you 've gone . You know you want it . Give it a try . " , she uttered every word with force making another attempt before she pushed too hard . She laughed loudly and looked away , doubt evident in her eyes . " I can try to find you a nice girl . At least your mom would be happy " " Okay , I do , but that is not happening . I will find a nice girl , okay ! Or … my mother will . " They both burst out laughing again . " Okay , I promise . Maybe it is the only way we 'll move forward " , Nola said it before she could stop herself . She felt a butterfly of fear flutter in her stomach but ignored it . Hi , Awesome people . It 's been long ! I had this chapter written for about more than two months now but didn 't post it . One coz I was busy , Two coz I procrastinate a lot and three coz I wasn 't sure if I was doing it right . This is my first story exceeding 1000 words . I keep thinking that I 'm doing it all wrong and this should have come first or it was too soon for that and blah blah blah . But then more than anything I want to finish this story . Although it is a work of fiction , it is personal to me . More than being right I want it to be complete . I guess what I 'm saying is : Those who read this story or still want to read this story , stay with me , we might get somewhere . This chapter is longer but I cut it into two parts . So chapter 6 will be coming along soon . Also , if you look up , there is a drop down menu for Shared Empathy . If you want to access previous chapters , simply click it . Alan 's cooking skills were being tested today . He was standing in his kitchen , half bent in front of the oven to check the temperature of lamb roast when the adjacent oven dinged , signaling that the cupcakes were ready . He shut the oven door and opened the other one , took out the cupcakes and put them on the cooling stand . He stood in the middle of the kitchen , his blue eyes taking in the sight if the entire room behind the slightly smeared square spectacles and made mental notes . Fifteen more minutes for the lamb roast , cupcakes are ready and vegetables are grilled , sitting on the hot plate . The table is set . Everything is good . Stop freaking out . Just then he saw the iceberg and romaine on the counter and realized he hasn 't started the salad yet . Oh , crap ! The salad ! " So that you could bail ? No . If I suffer , you suffer with me . Here just chop these cucumbers roughly " , he said and started cutting the tomatoes . Sarah had a kind face and you could tell where Alan got his eyes and kindness . She wore a white floral dress and her gray hair was tied in a bun . She had a slender figure but still managed to engulf Nola in a bear hug which she welcomed gladly , inhaling her motherly scent . She was the closest person to a mother that Nola ever got . Her own mother died when she was just a baby . She often thought what it would be like to have a mother but never really craved for one . Her father had been enough until he wasn 't . " Ma , go be with the guests . Dinner will be served in twenty minutes . You can talk to your favorite kid then . " , he said , turning her towards the living room . Sarah smiled again and huffed at Alan , but went to the backyard again because people were waiting . She wore a chiffon blouse to give a formal feeling otherwise she usually just wore T - shirts and Hoodies with jeans . This , however , felt like a dressy kind of evening . She looked at Alan who was wearing dress pants and a shirt , well , he was always dressed up . They all sat down on the long wooden table in Alan 's backyard , light bulbs hanging over them and a bonfire flickering away at the side . There were four guests ; Peter 's business partner , his wife and their kids , a young man and a woman . Alan happily accepted all the praise and proudly watched his dad introducing Nola as his daughter to everyone . He was really glad that his parents loved Nola . It was good to see her smiling and enjoying herself , being a part of the family . She was comfortable with them despite the fact that she hated being around new people . He had a beautiful relation with his parents . They have always been supportive and kind . They did everything to make sure he and his baby brother lived a happy , healthy life . He became a surgeon and Mark , his brother was studying Physics . Everyone joked that how was a doctor and a scientist born in the house of businessmen . Their relation got affected during the addiction years . It was hard for them to see their first born like that , but they tried to help nonetheless . They thought he was never going to be better after his repeated failed attempts to be sober . Those were the worst times and now he was better and they both thanked Nola for that . They both believed she had a big role in that , and it was the truth that without her help and support Alan wouldn 't have been able to pull through . " Oh wow . Um , yes , I 'd think about that . Thanks . " , she smiled all the while plotting a revenge against Alan for putting her under the spotlight . Nola watched the milky brown foam coming towards her over the loud whoosh of the coffee machine . She placed a lid over the thermal cup and turned around to hand it to its customer . She received a thank you to which she replied with a plastic smile . It had all become a routine now ; plastic cups , plastic thank yous , plastic smiles . It was very difficult in the start . She never really thought she would grow up to become a barista . Then again nobody really does . People have big goals , big expectations and so did she . She dreamt of becoming the right hand of her father in his business and now she was afraid of even the word business . She sat on a low chair on the other side of the counter so that only her head was visible to someone sitting in the cafe . This time between breakfast and lunch , when most people were busy at work or at home , was dull for her . Only a few wandering souls came in during this time . So , she usually just sat on the chair and doodled on a little blue notebook her father gave her on her fourteenth birthday . There were things she hung to like life depended on them and this book was one of those . It was from the times when everything fell under the category of " good " . Good people , good times . As she drew broken lines on the paper she thought if this is how it will be for the rest of her life . Coffee , doodles and fake pleasantries . Will she ever get out of this ? " Do you have cold coffee ? " . The girl looked like fifteen or sixteen . She was wearing faded blue jeans and a grey sweatshirt and nervously pulled the sleeves in her hands . " Yes ! " , Nola replied . She had a strange need to ask this girl if she was okay . Teenagers are always nervous and jittery she thought to herself and realised that she wasn 't . Her shaky days showed their face in her 20s . She punched the code for one cold coffee on the cash machine and handed the receipt to the girl . " That 'd be $ 2 . 00 " , she said and received crumpled bills taken out from the jeans pocket . Nola made smiley faces for only three people from her customers . The old guy with kind blue eyes who always reminded her of her father . He aways called her " sweetheart " . The lady who worked in the office building opposite the coffee - house . She always wore an honest smile and told her little details about her day in the two minutes they spent together . And Alan , there wasn 't any other reason except that he was her best friend . But she made a smiley face on this girl 's coffee hoping it would make her smile and it did . It seemed to ease her . Her face showed new - found courage and she asked , " Do you guys have jobs here ? " She unlocked the door to her apartment and entered in . She had rented the cheapest place she could find . The neighborhood wasn 't exactly the kind one wants to live in . The people were shady and sometimes scary . She had received several lectures from Alan about how dangerous it was and he could arrange a place for her to live but she had proudly declined . It was a 250sqft room with an attached bathroom . On the left corner was a shelf with a stove and small refrigerator which the renter had called a kitchen while describing the details to her . A single bed was placed on the right corner in front of the window overlooking the street . Next to it was a side table covered with paints and brushes and an easel . The wall opposite to the window had the door to the bathroom and next to it was a cupboard . She tossed her body bag on the bed and sat on its edge with an exaggerated sigh . She didn 't like to cook and usually had microwave or frozen food . Whenever she wanted fresh food she went to Alan 's . Because that 's what Alan did . He cooked in his free time and fed whoever came to his house like an over loving grandmother . She didn 't want to eat frozen food and dismissed the idea of going to Alan 's place because she was going to his place tomorrow to have dinner with his parents . She had many plans for her life but this was never the plan . Being purposeless and helpless was never the plan . She realised she needed to do something , needed to get out of this sinkhole but she simply didn 't have the courage . Just like she knew she needed to get up and eat but she didn 't have the energy . A single tear rolled down her cheek blurring her view in a river of blue , green and orange . She closed her eyes . Monsters in my soup April 22 , 2016 NooryaK1 Comment " They sat in a contributed silence . I read it somewhere and I remembered it sitting on the dinner table . Everyone was there ; contributing to the silence . Everyone is very good at it . Me too . I might be the perfect one . So , everyone was doing that except me . I was expertly pointing out every smelly odd - looking monster that could be swimming in the soup bowl while others were silently swallowing them whole . She was sitting on the subway seat holding a canvas , carefully wrapped in black plastic paper , between the inner edges of her sneakers . Her dark brown bag was placed on her lap , it 's flap covered with colorful flair buttons . They had her favorite quotes and different illustrations on them . It was a hobby from her childhood that was still a part of her life and she loved it . She was looking straight ahead as blank walls traveled with her . She passed two stations before reaching the one close to Alan 's house . It was his birthday today . He said he would bake a cake . The painting was for him . Her station came and she got up putting the bag on her shoulders and tucked the painting underneath her left arm . As she got out of the station into the open , cold air hit her like bird wings flapping vigorously and pushed her shot hair away from her face . She instinctively wrapped her right arm around herself . She wanted to go straight home from her shift and do nothing . But it was Alan 's birthday and they planned this dinner a week ago . She didn 't want to let her friend down , her only true friend at the moment . She walked from the commercial street into the neighborhood in which Alan lived . His house was on a five - minute walk from the main commercial block . The air changed its quality just like the scenery . It wore more refined clothes in this part of the city . The sun turned a shade of orange as she knocked on the front door . She could feel her brows scrunched , cheeks tight and tensed . She patted her cheeks and gave herself a pep talk , Smile and relax . When you reach home , you 'll be too tired to think about anything . Isn 't that what you want ? Alan placed the painting on the center table in front of the couch and went to the kitchen behind the living room . Alan 's kitchen was miraculously decorated just like the rest of his house . He had a good eye for things and an exquisite taste . This was something he inherited from his family ; good taste and money . How would my painting look among these meticulous showpieces ? It was a bad idea . She pushed the thought away thinking Alan has never boasted about his wealth with her . He was the most down to earth person she had ever met , not only with her but with everyone . He was always respectful of her and never looked down on her . " I already ordered Pizza . By the time we are finished cake would be done , I know you like it hot so it would be fresh out of the oven . Open the painting " , he said and went to the kitchen to quickly check the cake . Alan saw the painting . There was a surgical tray with tools neatly placed on it . Two hands , one resting on the tools ; palm flat , one slightly raised in the air like it was ready to pick a tool . They reflected a person of great skill , strength , and wisdom . The background was plain white with just a hint of texture in it . The hands stood out the most , every shade every line , every vein , every scar evident like they were important enough to be seen . Tools , in a dull steel , stood beside them like a supporting character doing his best . " I don 't think I can go back , Nola . I am an addict . I can slip anytime . I have put patient 's lives in danger before . I can 't do that again . I am better off working on the administrative side of the hospital . " " Yes , you can . You just need to remind yourself that . You are recovering from the addiction already . The chips are increasing in number . " , She looked towards the fridge on which Alan put all his chips and smiled . " Pizza is here ! " , he closed the door behind him and placed the pizza on the table . He brought soda cans from the fridge and opened them , placing one in front of her and one in front of himself . Nola opened the box and served a piece to each . " Nola , you give me a painting and a big speech about how I need to move on . You need to do that too . You need to forgive yourself . " , nodding his head repeatedly as if it would help change Nola 's outlook . By now their volume had increased considerably and both were sweltering ; one in agony , one in consolation . Both had forgotten their meals . Silence prevailed and the only sound was that of heavy breathing . After a few moments , Nola spoke , " I am tired Alan … I am tired of being so weak , so wrong . I don 't want to cry anymore . " , as a tear finally made it past the shoreline of her eyes . " You are getting better , you are . Look at how you handled the situation . You didn 't run away . You panicked , you felt bad but you didn 't run away " , he tried to show her the bright side . " See , you didn 't give in to the anxiety . That 's a big thing . Besides , you weren 't gonna leave your best friend alone on his birthday . Nope . " , Alan grinned and picked up his piece from the plate . Seeing him , she remembered her forgotten plate and resumed as well . " You know now that I 'm thinking , I haven 't had a major panic attack since I met you . You are always there to calm things down . You are good for me " , she was genuinely smiling now . That 's how she first met him , in the middle of a chaos . She had to go to their company 's office one last time to take care of some administrative work . Their company was auctioned off and bought by a larger company . They were stripping down all the old stuff and making changes . She barely contained herself and as soon as her work was over she ran out of that building while every regret , every loss came crashing down on her . She had been embarrassed about it for a long time after that . No matter how many times Alan told her not to . Nola was ready to leave with a big plastic bag of Tupperware containers . Alan had packed her the remaining cake and pizza . She was standing on the doorstep trying to manage her own bag and the plastic one . " Thankyou for allowing me to speak . Happy Birthday again ! " . She turned around and stepped outside into the night illuminated by the faint glow of fancy street lights . He held the plastic chip in his hand and closed his fist around it ; securing it . He held it like a safety bar in those crazy amusement park rides and turned towards the group of people sitting in front of him . Some of the people he had come to know with time , some were new . Each one of them had smiling faces and hopeful eyes . If you looked closely you could see traces of damage ; some washed away , some washing away , some still clinging . He mumbled his thank yous all the while searching for a particular face . Then he saw her entering from the door at the far end of the wall . She made her way to a seat in the last row and raised two thumbs - up to him , a big smile adorning her face , a little too big . " I 'm sorry I got late . My shift was till six at the coffee - house , I rushed here as soon as I got free . Congratulations ! " she said and hugged him . " I 'm so happy for you . " " So , what do you want to do ? Three months without drugs ! Today we can get high on cheese , grease and restaurant germs . It is such a better high . Trust me ! " , She laughed as they walked towards the parking lot . Small victories they were indeed . Tiny steps . Each step taking them closer to healing . The journey was difficult but he was glad to have his best friend beside him . Nola was his driving force , his strength , his beautifully disturbed person . It 's been two years to the night when they stumbled upon each other . They were both running from their ghosts and somewhere along the way they had smacked into each other . " Don 't get too high . I don 't want to take you to a meeting . One person doing this is enough . " , he said taking a sip from his drink . " This has happened before . I have gotten sobriety chips before . Thirty days . Sixty days . " , he sighed . " I don 't trust myself , Nola . I 'll relapse . Hell , you know it . It has happened in front of you too ! I 'm afraid something will happen and I will lose control again . " " Look I know you are afraid . You and I , we are always afraid . But we can 't stop moving forward . We have done three months , we 'll do six months and so on and so forth . We will do this " , she nodded , " Okay , we 'll do this because we want to do this . We want to get better . " She burst open the door and ran out of the building , she was in , for the past 4 hours . Without seeing around , she walked straight ahead , her steps fast and hurried . Her heart was beating fast and breaths coming in rapid bursts until she realized that everything was closing in on her and she wasn 't able to breathe . She bowed down , hands on her knees , gasping for air . It just kept on becoming difficult to breathe . He had come out for a walk , to catch some fresh air , evening walks always helped . He inhaled , taking in the calm of the setting night and the air which was turning cooler . That 's when he heard a sound and looked in its direction . She looked in a hurry ; running from somewhere . It happened very fast ; in a matter of seconds , he saw that woman come out of that door and the next second she was on her knees ; choking . Guess someone else needs the air tonight he thought and ran towards her . He lifted his hands in the air , " Don 't worry . I won 't do anything . I think you are having a panic attack . You need to breathe . Take deep breaths okay . Just try concentrating on me . In and out , In and out " , He said mimicking deep breaths . " Oh God I just had the worst panic attack right ? It actually happens ? I 've heard people can actually die . " , She babbled on , ashamed by her folly in public . " I 've heard that too . Just like I 've heard you have to concentrate on one thing and it goes away … the panic " . He found this beautifully disturbed person interesting . He followed her gaze and asked , " Bad memories ? " and mentally slapped himself . It wasn 't his business . But he got lucky with the nervous babbler because she didn 't lash out . " Bad Past . I was always fascinated by the untold secrets , you know the ugly past of the characters in stories . Now , I have one of my own . Karma is a bitch they say ! " , she laughed again , " aaand now I have the tendency to overshare too apparently . You must be thinking I 'm crazy . . morbid to be exact . " They were so right , she thought and looked down at the street , it was wet . Did it rain ? What the hell am I doing talking to this stranger ? Her car was parked a little away from the store , the pole light next to the car illuminated the street ahead of her . In the faint light , she saw a stooped figure moving towards her car . His tattered clothes and unclean attire told her he was a beggar . She kept watching ; skeptic until he crossed her car . He went by , but for the second he was passing , made a little seed of worry grow in her mind and she thought ; I don 't want to die . She laughed at her little scare ; He wasn 't going to kill you . She unconsciously looked towards her right , from where the mini mart was in sight , her thoughts drifting away . She thought how people and circumstances changed you and your entire way of looking at life . I don 't want to die , was , All I want to do is die , a few months ago . Her mind took her back to the sting of his sharp nails scraping along her cheeks , the pull of his strong hands plucking her hair out of her scalp , the maniacal voice tearing through her eardrums . That lonely sitting in the dark , for hours , after the storm of kicks and fists subsided . When she picked up her broken self and cleaned the mess of bruises and purple blotches , the storm always left . She was amazed how at one point of life your circumstances can make you feel so trapped that you wish for death and how when they change , when you find yourself getting free , the idea of death sounds rather distant . How , now , the idea seemed very strange but still oddly familiar . Now , after she was free , from the demon that had trapped her for 10 years . Because now that she was out of that bubble in which both of them were trapped , she could see he had his own demons . Unsolved , unattended mysteries or rather miseries which came out as strong outbursts . She could see his demons now in the form a violent mother and a ghost of a father . Happy footsteps and laughter approached her bringing her back from her detour to that dark niche in her mind , which , she was happy to realize was getting lighter day by day . Her son came running towards her and started showing her all the munchies , he had brought for the trip . She smiled and put an arm around her son 's shoulders and absorbed all the excitement and thrill dripping from his face . |
I opened the registered letter after signing for it . It was from the family court clerk requesting my presence before a judge two weeks hence at 9 a . m . on a Tuesday morning . The purpose was for a hearing about a change of custody . Maybe , just maybe , I might be getting back a little of what I had given away . I parked in the driveway of my former home . Elizabeth had kept the place in fine shape . I could see the pool sparkling out at the side of the house . Not for me to go in through the front door , so I went in by the garage and the entrance into the kitchen . Madie looked up and dropped the pot she was washing , rushing to me . I was always a favorite and a friend . It was not just a hug I received , but a kiss as well . She wasn 't old enough to be my mother , but I loved her as if she were . " Land 's sake , Mr . Rheingold , you do startle a body . It has been forever since I have seen you . " " Simple . The Missus has a new fellow and wants to go to Paris with him . They plan on being gone for six months . She knows it would not be right for me and Will to watch over the boy for that long . What you fought for is finally coming true . She wants you to take Jimmy to live with you . " " I suspected that might be it . It is still all about her isn 't it ? " There was a noise of someone behind me . I turned to face my ex - wife . " You 're still bitter , aren 't you John ? Well , I am not surprised . Maybe a little bitterness will help you get over me . Personally , I think you have no reason to be bitter . I picked you up in college and you will have to admit I gave you your start in life . " " Maybe , but in so doing , you stepped on my heart and ground it beneath your feet . Really though , I was just making an observation . I am over you . Tell me what your plans are , before we get to court ? I want to know if I am going to need my attorney for this . " " I do . This is just so sudden . For the winter vacation , you wouldn 't let him come to me and would only let me see him for two days when I came here to visit . Why the big change ? " " I guess I can tell you . I 've fallen deeply in love . Jimmy resents my new interest and has been very difficult . I suppose you could say Brian gave me a choice , him or Jimmy . " " Of course . He always tells me where he will be . He took some food down to a house at the end of the street . Mrs . Waters and her two children are being evicted today . They are his friends and he is worried he won 't ever see them anymore . " " I didn 't say you could let Jimmy take some poor trash our food . I want you to stop letting Jimmy do this . I don 't believe it . Someone is being evicted on this street . The neighborhood is certainly going down hill . " " It is the little bungalow on this side at the end of the street and the last place before the city playground . If Jimmy is not there , he will be at the playground with two little girls . He is their protector . " " I 'll bet she would like some hot coffee . I 'll put it in a carafe for you . Here are some sweet buns to go with the coffee . I think her power was turned off so I 'm sure she 'll appreciate something hot . " Madie put the hot coffee into a camping thermos and the buns in a bag . There was a full dozen of these . The end of the street was eleven houses away . It had been two years since the divorce and I wanted to walk by my neighbors , some of them who had been my friends . I guess it was too early for anyone to be out , for I didn 't see anyone . When I approached the last house , I could see my son sitting on the front steps with two others , both girls . One looked to be his age of eleven and the other was smaller . He glanced up at me and ran toward me screaming , " That 's my Dad , " and ran into my arms . The two girls hung back . Little gentleman that he had been trained for , he introduced me to Kathy and Sandy Waters . " How long are you going to be here ? It has been so long since I have seen you . Can I go home with you this time ? " A shy yes came forth . The three kids took a couple each and went on down to the playground . I turned and went up to the steps into the house . I opened the door and found the kitchen almost empty with no chairs or table . I set the coffee and buns on the counter and advanced into the next room . Near the far wall across the room , there was a woman bent over poking into a box , which was sitting on the floor . Her back was to me and I don 't think she heard me enter . I was in a quandary . Could I escape back into the kitchen before she knew I had seen her ? She being naked , that is . I tried . I wasn 't successful . She screamed and then told me to get out or she would call the cops . I ignored her outburst and started talking over her . " I have coffee if you would like a cup . Your daughter Kathy said to come right in . You might put some clothes on before you do , though . " I grinned as she whirled and disappeared into another room . " Jimmy 's dad . He and your girls are down to the playground . Madie said you were moving today and I brought coffee and some buns . The kids took most of them . " " Let me find cups . Yes , we are moving , but not by choice . The sheriff is coming about noon . We are going to a shelter for the homeless . Thank God , we found a room there today . Otherwise , we would be sleeping in my old car . " " You could say that . I begged my landlord to let me stay here until school was out or we would have been out a month ago . He has been pretty understanding , but he depends on the rent . Jimmy has been really nice . He even brought us milk and cereal for breakfast this morning . " " Ex - husband won 't or can 't pay child support . I lost my job as an accountant . My ex works as a carpenter but it doesn 't seem as if it is steady . I 'm not sure if it is him or the men he works for where the problem lies . Eventually I 'll find work and we 'll be okay . " The woman was as attractive clothed as she was without . Her hair was a dark gold , her features regular , lips maybe a little wide and full and her shape , well no need to go there . I had seen it all . I felt it was time to apologize for walking in on this woman . " I 'm sorry about seeing you in dishabille . " " My father is helping all he can , but he lives so far away . Mom calls and tells me to keep my spirits up . I have to , and I do act it for the girls . They feel terrible about being so poor . This last year Jimmy has been their friend and he shares his toys and games . Both girls have had the use of his laptop and he has taught them a lot . " " Um yes , I did didn 't I ? Look I have to be in court in a half hour . Can I come back and be with you when the sheriff comes ? It might make your daughters feel better . I will even take you all out to dinner . It may just be postponing the inevitable , but you have been such a good friend to Jimmy , I 'd like to do something . " This time I looked into her eyes . " No . No , it wasn 't bad at all , but I only had a glimpse before I retreated . I did not want to embarrass you . " I escaped out the door . I ran down to the playground . " Jimmy , stay here with Kathy , Sandy , and their mother . I 'll come by and pick you up later . " I really had to beat it to my car and I made the court just as the judge was entering his chambers where we were to meet . One thing about Elizabeth , she could manipulate most anyone she came in contact with . I knew this . Hadn 't she done this to me for nine long years ? The judge was no exception . The only question was who I would have to look after Jimmy if I was granted the custody of my son . " Yes she is . I understand Jimmy has spent more time with her and her two children than he has spent in his own home since you and I were divorced . Madie , your own housekeeper tells me this . She has been a second mother to him while you weren 't always there for him . " " Maybe dear , I had a chance to grow new wings . Wings that were not always being clipped by you . I 'll have the judge call you after I meet with him . Or should I have him call your attorney with his decision ? " I wanted custody of my son and I was determined to have him with me . I was figuring out how to enlist Jimmy in helping me . I decided I would play it straight or nearly so . When I arrived back at the Waters ' residence , an old gentleman was introduced as the landlord . He was waiting to take possession of his property when Mrs . Waters was evicted . I got into a conversation with him . " May I rent this house just as it is as soon as you receive the keys back from Mrs . Waters ? I 'll only need it for a week , I think , but if I pay you up front , maybe the second week as well . " " Rent it as long as you want as long as I get my money . " I made out a check for two weeks ' rent . Jimmy was standing with me while I was doing the negotiating . He was puzzled . The two girls and their mother were inside just waiting . The sheriff did arrive and formally evicted Mrs . Waters . When he started to move their possessions , I said I had arranged to store them for the next two weeks and would see about having them removed at that time . The landlord verified what I was saying . He left soon after the sheriff with a check I wrote in his pocket . It took an hour to convince Mrs . Waters to work as my housekeeper . She would be moving to my home . I think it was the kids who convinced her . Her children were overjoyed to think that they would still have Jimmy to hang out with in his new home . Sandy was especially happy about the change that would keep her with Jimmy . Elizabeth was waiting at the courthouse when we arrived to meet with the judge . I knew she was curious about Mrs . Waters . I introduced the two women . I couldn 't give Mrs . Waters ' name because I had not heard it . " Shelly is my name . Jimmy still calls me Mrs . Waters and that is why John doesn 't know it . You have a great child Ms . Rheingold . I love him a lot . " Elizabeth wrinkled her nose . Shelly gave the judge a short bio of herself . " I was married . Divorced , but still have some love for my former husband . He is ordered to pay child support , but is unemployed so he is behind in payments . I became unemployed and am behind on my rent . Mr . Rheingold has offered me the position as his housekeeper to keep his house and care for his son while he is working . Elizabeth had a few words for Jimmy when we came out of the judge 's office . I think she was looking at our son with opened eyes . I suspect he had been growing up without her really knowing him , even though she was the one in charge of him . " Thank you John . I won 't forget our son . I will be gone for a while , but I will think about him often . I 'll think about you as well . I guess we are from two different cultures and never should have been married . " " We were happy for awhile . I can 't say I regret being married to you , but I knew long before we divorced that our marriage wasn 't working . I think now I am happier than I was when I was married to you . I hope you find happiness as well . " " I 'm sure I will . I will see both of you when I get back from Europe in the winter . My plans are I 'm leaving in two days . While you are in town , you may have the use of the guest room at the house . Jimmy of course can stay in his own room until you leave . This had been my home . I certainly knew my way around in it . It did not feel like home though and hadn 't for quite some time . Shelly and the kids got into my car and I transported us back to what had been her house . It was now being rented by me . I went inside . The beds had gone the way of the kitchen set and had been repossessed by the rental store yesterday . The family had slept on the floor last night . I looked around me . " This won 't do at all . Jimmy , you let the two girls sleep in your bed tonight . You can sleep on one of the couches . I 'll crash in with Madie and Will . They won 't mind . Shelly you get the guest room . " " Sure you can . Elizabeth said I could use the guest room and I 'm having it occupied . She probably won 't even notice . If she does , well she owes me big time . It will be just for tonight anyway . Have you met Madie and Will yet ? " " They are just as great as he has said . We will go out and have dinner somewhere and then we 'll all go in and see Madie . She 'll think it fun to put one over on Elizabeth . We will have breakfast in the kitchen and then we will get ready to move things to my place . It is a seven - hour drive . " The family dressed as best they could and I took them to a mid - sized restaurant . The two girls had never been to as nice a place as this and were looking all around at the people . Jimmy of course took them in hand and kind of led them through the meal . Elizabeth 's car was gone when I took us all into the kitchen where Madie was finishing her chores for the day . She fell right into my plans and thought it a great joke on her employer . The little girls were in awe when they saw where they were sleeping in Jimmy 's bed . Shelly said , " His bed is big enough and they are all tired . Let Jimmy sleep in the same bed with them . It will be okay . Is the bed in the guest room the same size ? " " I think I will be taking you up on the offer and don 't you be getting any ideas either . " We stood there grinning at each other . I thought , " Not tonight , but maybe someday . " I was rudely awakened sometime during the night . Elizabeth was shaking me . " John , I didn 't tell you to bring your whore into my home with you . Tell her to get out . " " Elizabeth , get out of this room . You offered me the use of it , so in essence it is mine for the duration . Go out into the living room and I will be right out . We 'll talk about it . The woman is tired so let her get some rest . " My ex whirled and left the room , not even closing the door . Elizabeth was fuming when I reached the living room . I attacked . " We were sleeping before you woke us up . I have not been in bed with a woman for a while , but tonight it was just for rest . If you must know , Jimmy is sleeping with those two sweet little girls in his bed as well . We will all be leaving in the morning . " Now I 'm telling you not to go into his room and make a scene . You are his mother and believe it or not , he loves you . You have not shown much affection to him lately and the jury is out in his mind whether you love him or not . He feels as if you are dumping him on me . Oh , he loves me and is glad he is coming to live with me , but he feels abandoned just the same . " " She 's driving a truck ? What kind of person are you getting mixed up with now ? Have you lost your senses ? Why are you exposing Jimmy to someone like them ? " " Elizabeth , those people as you call them , are my kind of people . Sad to say , I forgot that for a while . I am forever thankful that you asked for a divorce , which freed me and made me open my eyes to what I was when I was married to you . Looking back , I don 't think I was even a man . I was so enamored by your looks and your wealth , it was easy to be seduced . " You know what ? I was bored the last few years I was with you and I didn 't know why . It was because I wasn 't being productive . Every person should be productive . I learned how to make contacts in the business world from listening to them about what they did and how they did it . One day I woke up and knew the easy life wasn 't for me . They might not have shown it , but in one way or another , they were all productive . I have tried to emulate them and I have succeeded . " I 'm an up and coming man in the business world I now live in . I am respected more than I ever was when I was your husband . It feels wonderful . " " At first , maybe , but it was always all about you and your wants . I gave in to you to hide the guilt I felt about myself for living your life . Eventually there wasn 't anymore in me to give . When you asked for a divorce , that is when my life began . " " Believe what you want . Look , this conversation is senseless . I 'm going back to bed . As I said , I 'll be out of here in the morning . " " Jimmy is your son and maybe if you showed him love he would return it . I am not turning him against you . I want to have him grow up and someday with the values I 'll be teaching him , you will be the winner . I 'll teach him to love you in spite of how you treat him . " " I did . Nothing has changed though . We are still headed for my hometown as soon as we wind things up here and get the truck rented and loaded . Are you sure you want to drive it ? " Shelly was in Jimmy 's room helping him pack his things . She had just said , " Take only what you will be using in your new home . Leave some of everything here , for you will be coming back and staying with your mother sometimes after she comes back from Paris . " Just then , Elizabeth entered . " This should be Madie 's job in packing Jimmy 's things . " Jimmy looked at his mother and bugged out leaving the two adults alone . " Well , she is watching my children for a minute and I wasn 't busy . My things are all packed and John wants to get to the rental place and pick up a truck . He wants to be all loaded tonight and we will be starting early tomorrow morning . " Shelly kept sorting clothes . " Same house , yes . John has a small apartment in the back where he will be staying . I am to have the main house for the children and myself . It has three bedrooms and the other only has one . The previous owners used it for the husband 's mother . " " Yes , isn 't it ? In reality , John has listened to Jimmy and what Jimmy has wanted . The boy did not want to give up my girls . This wouldn 't work out very well if I had the small apartment to sleep in and John had the three children in his home . We agreed this was a much better arrangement . " " It wouldn 't be right . John wants Jimmy and yes , my two as well , to know right from wrong . John has also agreed that my ex - husband , Ronnie , can sleep on the couch in the smaller apartment when he comes to visit our children . " You know this is going to be so convenient for me . Ronnie only lives about forty miles from John 's house . My in - laws are even closer , so the kids can see their grandparents almost anytime they want to . When you come to visit Jimmy , Jimmy will bunk in with his father and you can have your son 's room . " " It could be , Mrs . Rheingold , it could be . I really do want to thank you for letting us stay here last night . May I ask for you to extend your invitation by one more night ? " " I don 't seem to have much say in the matter , do I ? " Elizabeth thought a minute . " I 'm sorry , I didn 't mean that . Of course you may . There are more rooms here you can stay in if you prefer for your children . " " Yes , well it is , and I 'm proud of it . Sad to say , it did not appear to be good enough for John . He told me last night he was bored living here . He has some kind of cultural issues . I do not understand . I gave him everything . " " That might have been the problem between you two . I only met John yesterday , but he seems to be a person that feels if he has something , he should have had to earn it . I feel the same way myself . Right now , though I don 't have much , but it is because I don 't have a chance to earn anything . " Shelly kept working and turned to face Elizabeth when she finished packing the last suitcase . Elizabeth had been just watching and saying nothing . Shelly took up the conversation again . " I shouldn 't say I don 't have a chance . Yesterday I didn 't , but today I do thanks to John . John has hired me and having an honest job to provide for your family , makes a person feel so rich . " Suddenly , Elizabeth left the room ending the verbal exchange . An hour later John drove the sixteen foot U - Haul around the circle drive and backed up to the four - car garage . All of Jimmy 's toys were stored in one stall . There were bicycles of about every type and description . " I don 't think so . If I think you will be using it , I can have Will send it out by truck . You 'll be in touch with him and Madie about every week . They love you like a son . " " You should know all about that , Dad . Mom still claims she still loves you , but it is so false . One day she said this when I was crying about missing you so much . An hour later she left with that asshole she is going to Paris with . " " That is something between her and me . I still love her a little myself . After all , she gave me you . Twice , as a matter of fact . You had better watch your language , son . Do you want your friends talking like you just did ? " Shelly came out and said as soon as I had Jimmy 's things loaded , she would drive the truck down the street to her former home to load up her belongings . I let her drive . She backed into her driveway perfectly . This relieved some of my concerns about her abilities . Her old car was still in the driveway behind the truck . Her landlord came around the corner about then . " What are you going to do with your old car ? " he asked Shelly . " They won 't give you more than fifty bucks for it . Tell you what , Mrs . Waters , I 'll allow you two hundred against your back rent . " That still leaves you owing me $ 2 , 000 . That you can pay me when you can . " I couldn 't believe this . The landlord was trusting Shelly to pay when she was moving almost five hundred miles away . " I will pay and thank you for allowing so much on the car . I will pay you interest on what I owe , too . I promise . " " I have no doubt , because your word has always been good . I really am sorry about you leaving . " The old man was helping carry out the packing boxes . When we were almost done , the old guy took the kids down to the park to buy them a good - bye ice cream . " John , I don 't suppose you could lend me what I owe could you ? I hate to make him wait . He really is a nice person and has been so good to us . You can deduct half my wages until it is paid . " I guess if the landlord was willing to trust her with living so far away , I could trust her living at the same address with me . I walked back up to my former home and got my checkbook . Shelly gave me his name and I made out the check for her to give to him when he came back with the kids . The old person looked at the check and there were tears in his eyes . " Thank you so much . I really did need this pretty bad , but I knew you didn 't have it . Bless you , Mrs . Waters . " Elizabeth usually made Jimmy dress for dinner , but as she wasn 't there when Madie had it ready , I said it wasn 't necessary . We decided we would eat in the kitchen with Madie and Will . The kids got silly relating things that had happened when they were on the playground . This had been going on for a little time , when I looked up and saw Elizabeth watching us from the dining room . She had come in and we were too involved to hear her . Her place was set in the formal dining room as usual . " Join us Elizabeth . This is Jimmy 's way of saying good - bye to Madie and Will . You won 't be seeing him for awhile either , so he can say good - bye to you at the same time . " Madie set another place at the end of the table . My ex - wife was quiet . In fact , we all were at first , with her here to put a damper on the gathering . With three juveniles though , it didn 't take long to get back to having a good time again . Shelly broke loose , by asking what I did for work . " I really don 't know how to explain what I do . There are several small things and pieces that put together make up a whole . " I did not know as I wanted to explain fully , so I paused . " I know some things about what Dad does . He owns part of a franchised convenience store and he owns part of a pig farm . " All attention was on me . This made me laugh . " Kids , it isn 't that bad . That is what is on each end of what I do for work . In the middle is where it is interesting , to me anyway . " When I moved to where I live now , I knew I had to find something to do . I was in this particular little store and was stocking up my pantry . I overheard the two owners figuring out how to survive against the bigger grocery stores . " I took a walk up and down their aisles and could see there were seriously under - stocked . I made them the proposal to put in more stock in return for a percentage . At the time , I didn 't have anything else to do , so I worked right along beside of them and learned the business . It wasn 't long before they had to hire two more workers for they stayed open three more hours to catch the late evening trade and the early morning patrons on their way to work . " Remember , I went to college to get an MBA many years ago . " ( I was talking to Elizabeth now . ) " I identified several ways to better their bottom line . One of which was to capitalize on out of , or near out of date goods that were sold in the store . About half of just the bakery products were leaving the store one or two days before the ' sell by date ' and going back to the warehouse or distribution center to be destroyed . " I thought to myself , why couldn 't these goods be resold at a discount as long as they were under the sell by date ? I talked to the storeowners and we started a pilot project not far from the store which I 'm renting . This place was a former factory and had a large office and a loading dock . " Our own store got credit for goods returned and the bakeries we dealt with didn 't have the problem of disposing of the returns . Of course , we had a lot of out of date items as well . It was not long before the discount store became an outlet for cheap food . This is a depressed area with many people out of work so we were actually providing a service . " This did cut into our first - run line of product , but overall it balanced out and between the two stores , our bottom line is still better than before . Sadly to say , at first we were left with a mountain of un - salable product . Most usually , this would go to the landfill . What a waste . " I went searching for someplace where it could be disposed of and make a little money on it . I found it at a pig farm . One not very large , but with the dream of getting bigger . The laws that regulate a pig farm and what they can be fed are as stringent as those of what humans are fed . The owner of the farm was willing to take the out of date returns if he could still work within the laws . It took some doing but he figured it out with my help . The biggest problem is removing the packaging in which encased the bread and doughnuts . All those twisty - ties , boxes and wrappings have to be removed . " I asked a couple of homeless women if they wanted some doughnuts . All they could eat , in fact . They were willing . I then showed them what my problem was . The loaves of bread proved to be easy . A pair of scissors cut just below the tie and you shook the bread out , throwing the wrapper into the trash . " Then we automated it by having scissors fixed so they were stationary , opening and closing sixty times a minute . The worker holding the top and the bottom in each hand guided the loaf into the scissors . When they got used to the motion needed , they could do twenty loaves a minute . That is a lot of bread . " Bagged items such as rolls , cookies or doughnuts worked the same way . Individual wrapped items took more ingenuity and at least two operations . However , one way or another , we solved each problem . Think of all the calories in a doughnut or pie ? It was worth it to the farmer . " " He purchases it by the ton . When it gets it to the farm , he mixes it with sugar beet pulp or some high protein feed and makes pellets out of it . He figures he saves 20 % on each ton of pellets he feeds to his hogs . " " No . When we had our system in place , I went to all the stores nearby , including the large grocery chains and looked for their suppliers . I have made deals with 90 % of them to take this out of date food off their hands . I neglected to say I sort out the product that is still good and if the packages are undamaged , they are sold in our discount store . Each evening what is left is transported to food kitchens all over the city . " " Blackmail . " I grinned as I said this . " Seriously , I asked the farmer if I couldn 't buy in , mentioning at the time that there were other farmers in the area that would take what I had to offer . " " No , Elizabeth , I still have some left from the divorce settlement . It was you who bought it for me . " I thought my ex would be pissed at my revelation . Instead , she did not say anything and I went on to tell of the people who I got to work for me in my operation . " Most are poor people willing to work for minimum wage and they take some of their pay in discounted food . All are thankful and I have a waiting list of those wanting to replace any who leave . I am fair and I am liberal in my dealings . I can afford to be . Best of all , I 'm busy and productive at the same time . " Paperwork is almost in place to make this middle operation a non - profit corporation . When we get it approved , I can look for grants from different entities to integrate other types of green savings into this corporation . By showing it works in a for - profit environment I have one step up for success . " " I think , Elizabeth , I have always been fairly intelligent . If you remember , I never embarrassed you in front of your rich friends , even though I was not much more than a paid gigolo . I have always been a fast read and kept up on any topics for discussion that might come up when I was with your rich friends . " Yes , well I 'm glad you found some way to entertain yourself . I worried about you and the only contact we had is when you kept asking Jimmy to go off with you for God only knew where . I had to protect him the best way I knew how . " " Maybe . I have your address and Jimmy will be hearing from me quite often . I wouldn 't be leaving him with you , but Brian may decide to take up temporary residence in a villa somewhere . " Shelly started marshaling the kids ready for bed . " Showers everyone . We will be leaving early in the morning . Madie said she would fix us something light for breakfast . We will stop somewhere about nine for pancakes or eggs . Now who wants to be first to ride in the truck ? You have to take turns . I can have one at time with me . " Sandy , the youngest , drew the long straw and would ride with her mother to start . " John , you know I can 't believe you and I were ever married . You are so different . I don 't know you at all . " " It could be you didn 't take the time to know the real me . You were too busy trying to make me into something I was not . I went along thinking you were what I wanted , but one day I grew up . Elizabeth this is all on my head , you are the same as you have always been . " Elizabeth stared at me . Then she smiled . " I taught you one thing John . That is how to couch a less than complimentary remark in pleasant words . I guess we are who we are . You just did it to me again and that is to remind me why I wanted you to marry me those many years ago . Tonight , when you crawl into bed with that woman , I 'm going to be wishing it were I . Good night John . " Elizabeth was up in the morning to see Jimmy off . She hugged him to her with tears in her eyes . " I 'm going to miss you so much . You 're my little man going off on an adventure . " " No I 'm not , Mom . I 'm just going to live with my father . " He looked up at her and saw the tears . " Mom , I am going to miss you too . You will write to me , won 't you ? I want to hear all about your travels . " This just about made his mother 's day . Shelly and Sandy drove off in the truck . Kathy and Jimmy wanted me to get going or we would lose them . I took time to hug Madie and shake Will 's hand . " I will be seeing you in a few months , is that right Elizabth ? " We caught up to the truck within a few minutes . I let Shelly set the pace and we hit the thruway and speeded up . It was two hours later and we had several exits to go before we would be turning off for breakfast . We were within fifteen minutes of our exit when I noticed a car traveling alongside the truck . Then a man hung out the side and I could see him rap the door panel to get Shelly 's attention . I called Sandy who had Shelly 's phone and asked what was going on . " Mom says those guys are making indecent gestures , whatever that is . She wants to know what she should do . " " Tell her to pay no attention to them . Get off at the next exit as planned . I 'm right behind you . I 'll take care of them if they get off at the same time . " " Mom says okay . " The driver of the car was playing games . They passed her and swung in front of the truck . They then slowed down so Shelly had to swing out to pass them . They speeded up then and let her swing back into her travel lane . Signs came up for the exit . Shelly put on her blinkers to turn off . The car slowed down and pulled in front of me between the truck and us . " Shelly , pull into the first fast food place . Stay in the truck with the doors locked . " The three vehicles slowed and stopped . I told Kathy and Jimmy to lock the doors when I got out . The two men in the car ahead of me were out and striding up to the truck door . The driver was one big man , and the man who had pounded on his door was a smaller person . I was right behind them when they came up to Shelly 's door . " What 's going on ? " " Wimp . " Right then he headed for me . Maybe I did not look dangerous , but I had taken several courses in defense back when I had too much time on my hands . I bowed slightly , but he didn 't recognize the move . I balanced and as he came within range , I whirled and my left Boston connected about where his kidney was located . I came around facing him and advanced . I clipped him as hard as I could with my right just behind his jaw and under the ear . He went down . The big man stood there . I don 't think he appeared as intelligent as the one on the ground , but he made a wiser choice . He listened to me . " Get that piece of shit into your vehicle and get out of here pronto . Just so you know how lucky you both are , the woman you called ' Babe ' is a trainer for the Black Ops . She just came home from Iraq . She taught me that move . " Five minutes later , the car with the two men disappeared around the corner of the diner . We could see them headed for the on ramp in the distance . " Let 's get something to eat , I 'm hungry . " Jimmy looked on me with pride . Kathy came up and took my hand and Sandy took the other one . The rest of the journey was without incident . It was seven that evening when we turned into the driveway of my home . The kids thought we would never reach here . They each had taken turns riding in the truck , twice . After the last stop , they guessed they would ride in the car with me . I offered to change places with Shelly , but she declined and was having a ball . When I left home , I was unaware I would be returning with anyone , so the beds had to be made up . I let Sandy and Kathy pick which room they wanted to sleep in . Shelly took my room , of course . Jimmy had a room that overlooked a small brook and when I told him I occasionally saw a deer come down to drink , he was happy to have that one . This was farming country and we were on the outskirts , the city lying off to the south six miles . My convenience store was about four and a half miles away . Where we processed the out of date items was nearer the center of town in the old manufacturing section . I explained all of this to Shelly as we prepared everyone for bed . She offered to come into the back apartment and make my bed , but I said I could handle it . " Let him know . I know how he must feel . I missed Jimmy when I moved away from Elizabeth . " I went to ready my room while she was dialing . When I returned , I caught just the end of her conversation with her ex - husband . " Ronnie , it is a job keeping house and caring for Jimmy Rheingold . John will not be sleeping with me and he has his own quarters in the back . I owe him for my back rent anyway and I have to pay that off before I get a different job . " She paused . " You can come over to see Sandy and Kathy . You can meet John then . Goodnight Ronnie . " Shelly looked a little exasperated . " No , there was no cheating by either of us . There were several little things . I guess I nagged him about him not looking for work harder than he did after he got layed off . I was working and sometimes he took money we didn 't have and went and got drunk . Not often , but it always triggered an argument . " He hated doing the housework and I was on him all the time about not helping out more . I think he still loves me and I know I still love him some . Anyway , I am glad he is where he can see the kids . Let 's watch the news to calm down and then I am going to bed . Just think this morning I was more than 400 miles away . " Twenty - five minutes after the news came on Shelly was asleep leaning against me . I was tired myself . As gently as I could , I laid her down on the couch and covered her with a light blanket . I could have wakened her or I could have taken her in and put her on her bed . But then , I might have wanted to lie down beside her . She was a lovely woman and I knew I was going to have problems forgetting just how beautiful she was in the future . I was taking my meals with the kids and my new housekeeper . She apparently slept in , for the house was quiet in the morning . I went along to the store and had coffee and doughnuts there . I called home at ten and told Shelly I would be home for lunch . " I 'll have it ready for you . Where did you say your store was ? " I told her . Twenty minutes later the truck she had driven pulled up outside and she came in . " Mr . Rheingold , I promised you lunch , but there is nothing in the house to feed you . Load me up with something . I 'll drive your car home and you can bring the truck . When are we going to unload it , anyway ? " " Good . I have to get back before they get into trouble . See you . " I had questions to answer by my workers when she drove off in my car . Dinner wasn 't much more than another lunch . We would go shopping tomorrow after we unloaded the truck . The bicycles came off . All three kids took off up the dirt road behind the house that followed along the brook . I met Shelly 's in - laws when they came driving in to see their two grandkids . I could see why Shelly liked them . They were pleasant folks and reminded me of my own who had died when I was just married to Elizabeth . Grampa was a beer drinker just like dad and me . No cocktails for us . My ex - wife would have insisted I serve a whiskey . I smiled when I thought about this . Pa Waters said they came along today to see the kids , and wanted to see if it would be all right for their son Ronnie to come tomorrow . " Tell him yes . Tell him to come at noon and I will have Shelly do a roast . The kids are anxious to see their father . " " Shelly . I was in the same position with Elizabeth as you are with Ronnie . Being away for a length of time makes you wonder how you will feel when you see your ex . If there is nothing then you have made the right decision in divorcing . If a feeling of gladness washes over you at first sight , then you have to explore how he feels about you . " I don 't know as I understand your thought process , but thank you for inviting Ronnie so the kids can see their father . " She couldn 't see into my mind . If she had , she would have seen me hoping the spark had gone out for Ronnie . I was that taken with my housekeeper . I just wanted to be sure that there was no love still lingering between them . |
The very first time my husband and I entertained together , we had only been dating a few months . It was New Years Eve . We went to the grocery store together to buy food and soft drinks , the package store for alcohol , then to his apartment to get ready . As soon as the groceries were put away , Bob said he had to run an errand and would be right back . I didn 't ask any questions and kept cleaning as he walked out the door . A few hours later he returned , more excited than I had ever seen him . He found a vintage guitar and wanted to buy it . As he paced around , I encouraged him to go back and get it before someone else bought it . When he came back a few hours later , the apartment was clean , the prep work was done on the food , and all that was left to do was cook . Seventeen years , fifteen guitars and countless parties later , Bob still disappears on the day we have company . Each time he says he will be there to help , and each time he comes rushing in just an hour or two before company is expected to arrive . He does the cooking and he entertains as he does it . This Christmas Eve while I was home preparing a Feast of Seven Fishes for twelve people , he was at the galvanizing plant watching zinc melt . I could hear myself yelling above the sound of the vacuum cleaner , " seventeen years and he is never here to help me get ready for a party , why should this party be any different … " I was so mad . Then I stopped . The next voice I heard was my oldest brother saying the eulogy at my mother 's funeral . He was telling the story of how my father would always come home late on Christmas Eve because he would stop on the way home to visit his friends . My brother said , " Ma would get so mad … this happened every year . " When Bob finally got home , he was so excited . He said " the kettle didn 't crack and the temperature was at 850 degrees , right where it needs to be . Everything is going according to plan , the zinc should all melted and we will be ready to galvanize product on Tuesday . What do you need me to do ? I was thinking I would dust the guitars . " I tried not to be mad and replied , " Do what you want , I will have everything ready , all you have to do is cook and entertain . " I talk a lot , but I don 't say much . I am actually pretty shy . Keeping secrets is a shortcoming . Not secrets about you , secrets about myself . Many people , even those closest to me , do not know very much about me . They are often surprised to find out even seemingly ordinary things about me . But there are people , those I know and those I have never met personally , who tell me my secrets . These short stories are about some of those people . She only stands shoulder high , but her presence is undeniable . When she smiles her teeth mash together as she crinkles her nose . It was impossible to avoid eye contact when she talks . She is my aunt . Memphis had a tough start to life . He was aggressive , and I could not control him . I came very close to putting him to rest . When he was only a few months old , he would go from sleeping peacefully in my lap to violently attaching the other dogs , Boston in particular . To manage his behavior and to keep the other dogs safe , I strategically placed baby gates , crates and air horns throughout the house . At the time , trying to manage the situation was all I could do , while I uncovered the cause of the behavior and to modify it . I used special collars and leashes , changed his food , gave him supplements and adhered to strict rules and routines . I would not let any of the other dogs stare at him ; they learned to look away and not make eye contact . Things improved , but there were still fights . When Memphis would get into a fight , my first concern was always safety . I didn 't want anyone to get hurt . My second concern was all of the dogs ' emotional states . I worried that Memphis was insane and that it was affecting the other dogs . They all learned to be cautious around him , but were they scared and unhappy too ? My mother liked to play bingo . This was the only time she ever went to church . Every Tuesday , she would ask one of us in the house to go with her . The answer was always no , but she went anyway . Bingo was for old people , it couldn 't be much fun . One week she couldn 't drive , I don 't remember why ; but I agreed to take her . I was nervous , not knowing what to expect . When we arrived at the church , we stood in line , waiting for the doors to open . It was important to get there early , so she could get her " usual seat . " The desk in the hall had piles of bingo cards on it . People bought a hundred of them . My mother got her cards , and I began to sweat . " I 'm with her , " I said . " I 'm just going to watch . " I followed my mother down the long hall into a huge room full of tables and chairs . We sat down in her usual spot . She spread out some of her cards . They were made of newsprint , so she took some tape out of her bag and taped them to the table . In her bag was also two plastic bottles of ink , a bright red wand with a magnet in it , lots of red translucent markers , and cash . She took one of the bottles of ink and dabbed the free , center square of the nine cards in front of her , then placed the bottle down . She was ready . Memphis had not gotten into a fight in almost four months . Then one night , Memphis and I were sleeping and I rolled over onto him and woke him . He instantly stood up on the bed , looked me straight in the eyes and froze . I was sure he was going to kill me , so I was quietly making a plan to defend myself . Then , just as suddenly as he 'd stood , he looked away , shook , jumped down off the bed , circled a few times , then got back on the bed , laid down and went back to sleep . He shook it off and was now sleeping ! I could not close my eyes . This was the moment when I knew he was better , this was the moment I saw him look away . " N32 . . . B14 . . . G50 . " The man calling the numbers was on a stage with a round basket next to him , and a large sign with numbers and letters above him . The sign would light up each time he spoke . " B1 ! " Everyone in the room swiped their bottles down the B column and dabbed the corresponding square on their bingo cards . No one spoke . Their gaze was on the cards and their ears alert for one word . " Only a few people know this : my husband is a recovering alcoholic . He has been sober for three years . It was hard for him to stop drinking , but he did it . We are still adjusting to our new life . " That conversation happened at a dog - training center . We were talking about Virginia , when she was about two years old . I was taking a class to prepare her for her Canine Good Citizen Certificate ( CGC ) . She did not approach strangers , she was uncomfortable when anyone pet her , and no one was allowed to touch her feet . I just accepted that she was shy ; I did not imagine it could be the result of a medical condition . After a few weeks of have having every person I saw pet her , touch her feet , and give her a treat , I made a vet appointment . Virginia learned to tolerate the attention , but was still never as accepting as a Golden Retriever should be . " The dog trainer ? Oh , . . . there is no need to test her thyroid . If she had a thyroid problem , her coat would be thinner she would have dry skin , and be overweight . Virginia is healthy . She is just shy . Some dogs are shy , even Golden Retrievers . " Most people think I am outgoing , because I talk a lot and I have no trouble talking to strangers . I am equally comfortable instructing a small group of adults and a gymnasium full of elementary students . I do , however , have a problem making friends and forming long - term relationships . I have only a few close friends . Typically , I only contact them when things are going well . When I hit a rough patch , I keep to myself . The friends who know me best know exactly how long to leave me alone , until they call or visit to bring me back to life . When I met Bob , we were working together in Charleston , South Carolina . The company was recruiting people from all over the country to build a " World Class Manufacturing Plant . " The first time he saw me , he told his friend , " Now , that 's trouble . " At the time , I was married to someone else , so I said no the first time he asked me out . The next time he asked , I said yes . My husband was still living in Indiana , and it was becoming clear he was not planning on moving . I was also realizing that I ran away from him , as much as I went to a new job . When it came to fight or flight , I always chose flight . Not long after that first date with Bob , my life changed dramatically . I divorced my husband , moved in with Bob , got laid off from work , found a new job , and moved to Nashville . During the time we were separated , Bob held our relationship together . On several occasions , I said I could not handle a long - distance relationship and I wanted him to let me go . He is a fighter . He fought to keep his job and me . Bob was the last one out of the building , when the plant closed 18 months later . He got a job with the new owners in Milwaukee , Wisconsin , and convinced me to come with him . We got married 5 months later . Bob and I stayed in Wisconsin from New Year 's Day to Valentine 's Day three years later , before moving to the Chattanooga area to build a manufacturing business . We were working together again and I was happy , really happy , for 12 years . Virginia did not pass her CGC ; she failed , not on the touching tests , but on the separation test . She did not like being left with Natalie for three minutes without me . She pulled , barked and lunged on the leash to get to me across the training building . I was not upset we failed ; she wanted to be with me , and that meant more to me than a certificate . After the test , Natalie recommended Virginia and I take her obedience class , saying that it would help socialize her . So we did . On the first night of class , a small , mixed breed dog leaned into her and growled . Virginia fled under a table . Then the dog blocked the entry into the training ring . The dog 's owner did nothing to manage his dog , so I picked up Virginia and carried her over the threshold . I thought , " What are you correcting me for . The owner of the other dog did nothing when his dog chased her away . That dog and owner need to learn how to behave around other dogs . In the meantime , I am going to protect Virginia . " I later learned that picking her up was the wrong thing to do , but for a different reason . Picking a dog up like that makes the dog and the person the target for attack . That did not happen . Virginia was safe , which was all that mattered . I have been teased and made fun of my whole life , and there were many times when I wished someone would pick me up and carry me to safety . I didn 't pick her up anymore , but I did get her out of harm 's way every time she was threatened . Three years ago , life took another turn . The owner of Bob 's business sold it to some bankers . The workplace was becoming hostile and he did not want me to get hurt ; so Bob fired me . For the first time , Bob started losing his grip on his work and his life . So , Bob stopped drinking . He withdrew into his work and his program . While he was holding on to his job and his sobriety , I was holding on to him . Then Virginia got cancer and died . I felt so alone , I wanted to jump into the grave with her . I cried for months . I still cry . Many of my friends believe I am having such a hard time with Virginia 's death , because I am mourning two losses : Virginia and my marriage . Now my mother is dead . Friends are asking how long I will stay with Bob . He is hardly ever home and when he is , he barely talks to me . He spends all of his time at work or at meetings . They say , " It 's been 3 years of grief and it may be time to move on . " They are right . It is time to move on , I need to quit grieving not my marriage . All my life , I have run away from my problems . This time I want to stay . I am feeling better . Wisconsin is beginning to fill the space that Virginia once held . She has brought play and joy back into the house , into my life . I don 't feel alone anymore . My mother is with me all the time now . We are no longer separated by time and distance . Bob is working hard to make a good life for us . What I need to do is stop pulling against the leash . He can 't pick me up ; but if I wait , he will come to me . Barking and lunging will not bring him closer . I am moving on . I am done grieving for my past , and I am staying right here . This time , I will not flee . I will fight . On the day the tumor ruptured and Virginia clung to the floor in her safe place , Bob was the first to come home . He called me on my cell phone , I was on my home and he did not feel it was reasonable to tell me about it . He did show alarm when I arrived . Earlier that day , Virginia was slow retrieving her football . This had happened a few times in the months leading up today . I knew there was something wrong , but three different veterinary specialists said there was not . I immediately called her vet and told them we were coming . Bob carried her to the car and put her in . Bob did not go with us . He had a meeting to go to and asked if I would be back in time for dinner . This is a story of grief and loss . Virginia 's story cannot be separated from Bob 's story . But this is my story , not theirs , and I will do my best to keep it that way . When I saw Bob for the first time , I told to stay away from him . He was known at the ax man and everyone who he came in contact with got fired . That explained why he was standing alone passing back and forth with a cigarette between his stained fingers . I said yes when he asked me out weeks later even though I was married to someone else at the time . I enjoyed working with Bob , sometimes working against him , and wanted to spend more time with him . From the start he held on to life with white knuckles as he tried to build the business and a new life for himself . After I divorced my husband and moved away , he continued to hold on . Bob held our long distance relationship together for over a year until we were together again then got married . Virginia loved the mornings . She would greet me everyday with a smile . She would sit on my chest and insist I pet her on her belly until I got out of bed . In time , I saw the mornings through her eyes and came to love them with her . I would let her outside with the other dogs to take care of her business . She was always the last one back to the door . Virginia never learned the business first rule , no life was too short , and she always played first . After chow , she would lay on the couch with me while I drank my coffee . If I didn 't pay enough attention to her , Virginia would stand up rub her face in the cushion and stomp her feet . Not sure what she was trying to do but it got my attention . We would laugh a bit , then she would lie down and I would go to work on my computer . When I married Bob I knew that I would take second place to his work . He did have a business first policy . His work was important to him and that was okay with me . There was enough of him left over for me . We were always together . We worked together and we danced together . Every local band and bar tender knew us . We enjoyed each others company . That all ended in the months leading up to his sobriety . He fired me from work for the third time . Well , the second time , the first time he fired me , I didn 't technically work for him . The business was becoming hostile . Bob was losing his grip as the alcohol and the bankers wore him down . I could only watch as the alcohol softened his brain while the bankers hardened his soul . My biggest fear when Bob went into rehab was he would come out a jerk . I decided I would rather have 10 good years with him than 30 bad ones . We had what appeared to be a very loving relationship . After ten years of marriage , many of the people we met thought we were newly weds . But Bob was deteriorating . None of his forefathers lived past 65 and that milestone was only ten years away . Every time I asked him to stop drinking his response was always the same " not going to happen " . So imagine my surprise the day he answered " okay " . I knew Bob . I knew he meant it . I knew he was going to stop drinking . Virginia loved to ride in the car . She would lie down and hold her head up so she could see out the window and get some fresh air in her mouth . She would smile in anticipation of where we were going . That day on the way to the vet , she had a different kind of smile ; the kind I knew meant pain . We both knew this was not a ride like the hundreds we had taken together before . She went to agility shows and demonstrations with me , to elementary schools and to visit friends and family . No this ride was different . It was the beginning of a new journey we would take together . The very next day she was able to walk to the car following emergency surgery . They wouldn 't tell us how long they thought she would live . I was hoping for at least four days I got six months . At the time we put Virginia to rest , Bob had been sober for nearly 2 years . In that two years the only time he really hugged me or showed any emotion was the day we buried her . Even today as they are trying to bury his business , he is emotionally bankrupt . Before he was born , alcohol took over the part of his brain that controlled emotions . Without alcohol he has no emotions . Many wives of drunks lost their husband to alcohol , I lost mine to sobriety . Virginia was my dog . She was one of four dogs in our house , but Virginia was mine . She filled that place that Bob held for the first ten years of our marriage . She loved me unconditionally , as I now try to love Bob unconditionally . I want to be like her . Even in pain , she loved . She greeted every day with a smile . I try , I really try , but I have not smile for him . Grief is like a bright orange life vest . It weighs heavy on my chest , but somehow keeps my head above water . It is so heavy , sometimes I cannot breathe , but it reminds me of when Bob would hold me tight as we danced well past midnight in the bars and night clubs and of Virginia sitting on my chest each morning . As I long for the past , grief floods my mind with memories of Bob and Virginia . But it won 't let me sink into despair . It pains me to keep me in the present . It is stronger than pain or love . Perhaps it is all that is left when the pain is over and the love is gone . Grief is mine . And I will hold on to it with white knuckles until a greater love comes to take its place . |
I can imagine as within the realm of possibility , that me , John , Mary , and Sara could be sitting around in my living room , sitting on the couches , cooking something in the kitchen , playing songs , getting stoned , and just having good conversations where you 're actually saying something . Or going out and planting a bunch of vegetables , some kind of deal where people have a group of friends . A lot of people actually live that way , as surprising as it may be . I wrote this quite a while ago : the idea that something happened in my old student co - op at Berkeley . I tend to get hung up on this when I get manic , but I think I 'm talking about good friends connected through experience or living in the same house , or listening to Public Enemy 's " It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back " ( that was big in 1989 - 90 in Berkeley ) . There were great artists and musicians , mostly great musician friends , from whom I definitely learned a certain kind of sound . But I guess the idea is : doesn 't seem to be much happening with that . Or any way to explain it : I guess life can get strange at times . Or blame it on the Grateful Dead and Pink Floyd . " What is man to do in the few days of his life ? There are the relationships that form the basis of day - to - day reality , but there are the impressions received that seem to indicate some greater meaning or understanding , flashing of true knowledge , or at least a path that should be perceived , a path of thought perhaps , a thing so powerful in nature that the full recollection is difficult , the the memory of which is something absolutely fundamental and completely in line with reality as reality really happened , in every concrete sense of the word , and yet unlike your typical event , a sort of paradigm shift within the framework of consciousness that had no easy way of being explained to a third party by talking about whatever political or social thing might have been happening at the time . There are just things in life to which one ascribes a higher value of significance . Do you go out and have a checklist for what is important or valuable ? Absolutely not . Everyone makes the most fundamental decisions about their life based on impressions and vague mental manifestations . One assumes that the direction that one feels is consistent with a productive direction , whether in the development of thought past the current paradigms to a better understanding , for what is lacking in the world is understanding , that is for sure . It seems to me that I had pretty solid ideas at some level when I was young , or real passions to head in a certain direction , but the situation I was caught in was brought on by me , I suppose , but then like lighting a small fire or something , I was suddenly in a situation where I couldn 't find a place to relax . I got the distinct impression that something was wanted out of me , that people were coming over that had something to do with the co - op that wanted me to stand up and explain myself or something , and in that situation I couldn 't see what I could really have to say or why I would even give a shit about anything anyway . At that point in my life , I had no grand ideas to shower anybody with , and still don 't have any . I wanted to play the guitar and do sketches or whatever , hang out , but there was no point at which I was going to have anything to say about anything going on with the stupid co - op , because that whole deal was not much of an issue anyway . Regarding that place , it was like , yeah , close the stupid thing down . The parties were getting to loud , the neighbors were bothered . Close it down . At times the meanings or deeper significances of things are found out by impressions and the confluences of different thinkers combined within situations that may or may not have stresses involved , but the result of such spontaneously interacting thinking ( a psychological wiki ) can result in not really ideas as just ideas , but impressions and directions that leave their mark in a way that never leaves , that the impression is so strong that it sets the direction of thought from then on , although it may reside for years in the back of the minds of people present at the start of the impression . After such a solid and bullshit - free event , subsequent searchings and interactions may seem lacking or flawed or , for those that went through that impression , they may try to join groups that claim to be able to explain a good world view , but it will not work , because thinking back to that event , they know that there was something there that was more fundamental and heavier , and yet not based on any sort of dogma , a kind of connection of consciousness . There was an absolute and fundamental kind of is - ness connected to that time . I 've seen nothing like it since , and I 've had absolutely no ability to relate to anybody my own age other than , perhaps , the people that were around at that particular time , because , perhaps , of the shared understanding gained at that time , and a fundamental connection of consciousness established , although I haven 't really even thought about it for years . It really was all about the establishment of a new paradigm . Where that paradigm could go , given the right conditions , is anybody 's guess , and certainly if it did make any progress into the human consciousness , it would be gradual and subtle , but one can only hope : there is too much hate in the world , and suffering , and a real possibility that things may get worse . For me , it would seem , and for anyone , the only thing to do is to carry out the responsibilities of day to day life , try to live as decently as possible in relation to others , and hope thThe thing about the paradigm that I experienced at the time was that it had no fundamental ideas associated with it at all . It wouldn 't be any kind of doctrine . There would be no sort of philosophy or guidance , certainly nothing political or religious associated with it . It was just a curious sort of impression that landed with amazing force . I guess you would just say that whatever was talked about back then , it was the nature of reality . So it 's going to be hard for anybody to go out with a banner and march down the street and be for or against " the nature of reality " . I was out over on downtown Corvallis trying to get a microphone fixed at the Fingerboard , and I saw Sharon across the street , looking agitated , from what I could tell , and I was trying to avoid her but thought I 'd figure out what the problem was , I finally decided , and went across the street . She was around the corner with a kid looking at a meter , and I looked and her and said " Sharon " , and she looked around and gave me a burning look like there was something agitating going on , or at least that 's the impression I got , and asked me if I had change for the meter , and gave me ten pennies , laid them out in her hand precisely , and then I made a big show of not touching her hand when we exchanged the coins . I was going to comment on the clothes she wearing , and started to say something , and she said " don 't … " like she thought or guessed I was about to say something stupid or unnecessary given the circumstances , given whatever those were . I can 't figure the whole thing out . She 's always been great though . That much is true . Life is hard to find and once found is hard to do anything with , so a glimpse of people caught in a similar strain of circumstances is certainly a bit different . In any case , it 's that kind of tears that are still there to see that make you wonder if what you thought was true was so . Every year we go through these manifestations and every year it 's different but much the same as always . So you wonder , you walk around on the pavement late at night , not paying attention to where you are going , spending more money than you have in the account , and thinking of one person somewhere in a building full of equipment . This blog entry is to prove that everything is just dull and boring like usual . I 'm trying to survive on iced tea and tortillas , but beyond that , things could be a lot worse . One problem is I tend to have an erratic mind that shoots one way and then another , unpredictably . That 's just the way of it , I have to make sense , it seems . As for today , it 's time to head back to the house , maybe try to play a song or two . I remember handing a big jar of lime and water with some ice in it from one place to another . My fingers feel too heavy to type . The days pass without variation . So we really did this , this really happened just like I wrote it . O stands for Otto Markkanen . We used to go drink at the bars after karate , back when I was an alcoholic . We finish with karate , an easy class , thoroughly enjoying the warm spring weather and the green grass in the park outside the gym . It was not a very difficult class , full of much talking , but worth the effort . We line up to close , bow , and I notice D is talking to R , caught up in some earnest discussion . I go over there to listen and he says , ? Oh , I split up with D . I am living at home . ? So they are breaking up . I look over toward the parking lot and O is standing there . D works nights laying tile , so after some discussion , he takes off , and O and I make our way across the grass to where he lives , a cool apartment full of mementos of his woodworking prowess . We cross the railroad tracks , and I think of Thoreau 's verse : " What is a railroad to me / but a place to set the blackberries growing . " Surely a verse in favor of taking one 's own path . We watch the end of a movie , listen to his parrot talk , and venture out to rent another movie . On the way back , pausing for a cigarette , O notices , that J and K are still in the parking lot talking , nearly an hour later . So we walk over there , drinks in hang . J is talking about how they were painting his last name under the " stop " in stop signs . I say this is probably because he is the jock / intellectual seventeen - year - old genius karate maniac that he is , and he seems to agree . We all wonder how he is going to be as he heads off to college . We stroll back across the lawn and after pausing for another rum - and - coke , decide to head on down to the bars to see what is happening . Luckily O lives only blocks from downtown . We stroll down the sidewalks enjoying the new green and warm weather and small breezes of late spring . " Well , good luck . " says O and we walk off , a few blocks to Tommy 's , a cool little cozy lounge . There is an older guy with a huge black beard , tough looking , with tattoos , that O says hi to . He was a bouncer for years at another bar , and looks the part . " This was written by Lennon and McCartney for another band , under pseudonyms , but it still went to number one . That says something . They did that with fourteen or so of their songs . " We leave and head down to China D , the bar open latest . When the Peacock closes , all the intoxicated and otherwise bizarre people stroll in here for a last drink . Gary is on duty , twitchy and unpredictable as usual , high on cocaine . " I see you work at S , and Great Plant before that " I say to the other . She has that sleepy look ; perhaps it is only her eyes that make her appear extremely stoned . She always wears clothes with many patches and holes . Suddenly she reaches out and gives me a kiss and a hug . ( Not on the lip , but still . . . ) I am thoroughly surprised and wonder about the meaning of this . I went to a karate class in Salem a few months ago . Much sweating was done , and the ache and tiredness of the muscles was staying with me as I drove back to Corvallis . The fog was rising up on the fields , and a I felt a thick and heavy spirit coming through the air . Something in the air was tugging at me , telling me to not go directly home , but to make a stop off in Albany , a more working class town near the freeway . Albany is a place much different than Corvallis . There is no university , and so there is no stream of young students . There are manufacturing jobs and mill jobs , and there is very little interest in higher education . It is a place that is not international , and not concerned about being more than what it is . I cut left on Independence highway and over the rolling fields to the town . My brain was scattered . The bar that I knew of was closed , the bar where I had come to see bluegrass music and young people drinking quality beer . A dude on the street pointed me down the blocks to another bar , the " Linger Longer " , that was , supposedly , open later , but it was closed too . The 7 - 11 was open , and I bought a bottle of wine and parked the car , and started drinking , watching the activity around me , knowing that I was being watched . House lights , the motion - sensitive kind , would flick on and off here and there , even though I could not detect any movement . People were coming in and out of a large house in my field of vision , climbing up and down the stairs . He said , " I do laundry " and that seemed interesting to me . I found out his name was Tracy and he worked at a cleaners , and he had many children . Something fascinated me about working at making white things whiter . There seemed to be something fundamental , and perhaps heavy about that activity . I offered to buy him a coffee and we wandered over to the convenience store , and for lack of anything more to do , we drove over and met his sister . I remember her standing there , heavy , large , radiating an intense vibration . She said nothing , and we went to another house . This new house was filled with stacks of all sorts of thing , and a man named " River John " appeared to live there . A small kitten played on a pile of intricately patterned clothes . It was dark . They were smoking weed , and the atmosphere seemed otherworldly and surreal . I might have gotten a hit , but it was hard to say . It didn 't appear to further damage my mental state . Tracy appeared to want to take off . I let him drive . We drove in circles , it seemed , here and there , and it was cold out , and very late at night . We stopped somewhere , near a house where he knew people . He got out to see if they were up , came back , and we both got out and walked down a pathway , through a door , and into a trashed room with a torn up couch , the windows covered with plywood , on which was sitting a girl in her thirties , pregnant , and not all that remarkable . Her name was Sheila , and as we talked she created an impression that there was some kind of determination there beyond what I could expect . I told her that I thought she really was a remarkable person , and she thanked me . She was complaining because she could not pay the bill on her ultrasound and the collectors were going to start coming after her . . . . I think I was there the whole night , sitting on the couch , staring at the walls , watching people of mysterious origins and intentions come in and out , through the main room to the other rooms . I may have drifted off at some point . Her " sister " , Lisa lived in the back room with her boyfriend . Lisa would come out occasionally and start yelling , sometimes at her dog . Sheila was doing laundry in the kitchen , and the machine was vibrating , or maybe it was the nervous look in her eyes that appeared to be a vibration . I left and came back at some point , and Sheila was " at her mom 's " . . Upstairs , prostitutes were servicing one of the less palatable residents of the house , an idiot . Lisa , Sheila 's " sister " was heating a crack or some other drug pipe on the stove . She was completely silent , or there was some kind of silent consciousness there that I had not seem before . Sheila 's mom came over . She sat in a chair , heavily lined and wiry old woman , lacking most teeth . She just stared at me , and got up and left . Some point in the evening , large numbers of strange people started coming over to the house , and the situation deteriorated into hard core drug use , not that I really perceived that at the time . I was sitting on the couch , in some sort of a trance , and a short guy comes in in wrecked clothing , parks his bike , and starts scraping the floor with some sort of scraping instrument . It is as if he has no clue I was in the room , or perhaps he was used to having unknown people sitting on the couch in that room . I found out later he ran the house , as much as anyone ran that house . Later I recall seeing him sitting in a sort of zen position , unmoving for what seemed like hours . He must have been on heroin or some other drug of course . I don 't know what other likely explanation there would be for that kind of behavior . I didn 't really realize at all what a hard core drug house that was , and why there was really no real reason to be there . Everyone has good characteristics though , or at least almost everyone does . There was a guy there who was explaining camera stuff to me , and he showed me his yellow tinted glasses . They were the same prescription as me , and he said " stuff is brighter , right ? But that yellow is still yellow and white is still white , right ? " He said he had been a marine , in Vietnam , and broken over fifty bones over the years in accidents . What was unanswered was the question of what he was doing there . At some point that evening I felt paniced , and jumped up and said , ' what the hell can I do , what 's wrong ? " because I really didn 't know , and the camera guy said something about my car , which had been stolen , and I said " fuck my fucking car " and walked out , at four in the morning . I walked up over the tracks and came to the railroad crossing sign . It looked and felt satanic in the predawn cold , and I felt an evil sort of energy . Down the street , past some trailer parks of the wrecked variety , and the " King Kone " , weird - ass fast food shack , I came upon an old and twisted white church . A cat was sitting in front of it , as if waiting for me . I stopped , and them passed by . The street felt more and more threatening , and a strange looking fat guy came out of a wrecked trailer . There was evil looking detritus strewn out all over the front of that trailer . He said " I can 't see who it is ! " , maybe at me , or maybe at someone else . Trucks were rushing by , all the same make and model all in perfect condition , all zooming their engines . I started thinking I was going to get shot there , but there was a girl my age looking at me . We talked , and she gave me a brownie and some chocolate milk , and blew her whistle at the trucks , called them weak , and said she was just waiting to go to church with her aunt . She said we are all sons and daughters of hippies , and she was getting nervous . I was too . There was a white truck just down the way , revving its engine . I thought I was trapped at that point by some demonic force that was completely foreign to me . We sat down next to a building , and a long - haired type guy came by on a strange long bicycle that looked as if it was custom made and then covered in dirt and grime . He sat down . He said he was going to get propane . Suspicions known and suspicions thought , finding the right part and the right fit , through the temperaments and angles , suspicions and senses of sense , to understand , what it is that matters in the few days of this vain life through which we pass like a shadow ? Macaroni with margarine , a dog who reacts to music , rolling of cigarettes , and who 's to say , who of us has been here at the start of things , and who of us knows what we should be doing , in the few days , as the rains fall , and the drops of dew settle on the trailers , the frost on the grass ? Is this a worse world , or maybe just the place where the few perceptive know , that this is life lived at the essential matter , to see , that who of us can lay out the skies ? And who can number the drops of dew ? I went back to that house a few weeks later . Sheila was gone and Lisa was in the back room with her man , Curtis . The entire house was freezing except their room , that had a space heater . Lisa complained about the freeloaders . She would occasionally open the door and scream at them . She was continually smoking cigarettes and drinking lite beer , and taking her cute pit bull on walks . I found out that Curtis was from Colorado , the son of a preacher . He had previously worked laying cement , and had had a previous girlfriend who had died of brain cancer . The TV was always on in their room , and daytime TV , the worst . Lisa was watching a show about some kind of fashion accessories , and how they were doing a " makeover " to some poor person . I asked her if she didn 't find it degrading . And she said , " No , I think it is nice that they would give anything to us poor people . " Lisa was going to the local store to get their left over corn dogs and other crap before they threw them out , because she had no food . I asked her if she didn 't apply for food stamps , but she said she coulnd 't because she had no i . d . , no social security card , or birth certificate . She was barely able to read , and learning disabled in some way . A really strange and unusual person . Curtis was helping me out , fixing my door . We went down to a junkyard and with much cursing got the right part . We drove home and he was freezing his hands trying to get the door apart and the thing fixed . Lisa went and made a bunch of beans , and all the non rent paying people went and got a bunch of beans like they were entitled to it . She makes them food even though she is yelling at them to leave the other half of the time . Lisa was watching some daytime tv , about Tyra Banks giving some low - class family housewife a " makeover " and I asked her " doesn 't this depress you , seeing all this wealth ? " and Lisa said " no , it 's nice , they are giving something to us less fortunate " so Lisa thinks of herself as in the underclass , and that 's all she 's ever known . She said she dropped out of school to raise her brothers , and although i think she can read some , she obviously doesn 't read much . I told her she could get food stamps , and she said she had no id , and couldn 't get a birth certificate . She could do all this stuff if she tried , and it would be worth it , but she said there is a huge water bill , and if it doesn 't get paid they 'll turn off the water , and all this shit . She was making food for everybody , but all the freeloaders living there , sleeping on the couches in the living room , ate the food , and she was complaining about that , so she was going out picking up bottles and cans to turn them in . She was going to get food at the convenience store , because they gave away all their crappy hotdogs and such after nine , but we went down there and they had already all sold at half price . It was depressing , and I was explaining that it didn 't have to be this way . . . . . but it 's like she didn 't want to leave her little neighborhoo or something . She said her parents lived a few blocks down in the " felony flats " , an even worse looking area that is trashed looking trailers . At least Lisa is living in a wood house . Still , there is something positive about her , in that she is trying to help the people around her , and her dog is very well behaved , There 's like three other guys that just sit around and sleep on chairs and stare at the tv . One guy was fixing a vacuum cleaner . Apparently the only safe place to stow stuff is in Lisa and Curtis 's room , because one guy keeps his stuff in there and sleeps on the couch in the living room . So I really hope I don 't see any heavy drug use there , because then I will have to leave . reason for that to happen . Lisa and Curtis stick to lite beer . Sheila 's parents are on disability and her dad " got shot in the face " and is a jerk , so that doesn 't sound too good . They live in a wrecked tiny home a half block over from Lisa 's . I slept in and was depressed about the whole situation , wondering and questioning at what my motives where for hanging out with this crowd , so I decided I would just go over to her parent 's and knock on the door and ask for Sheila . I parked my car a ways away and walked through the neighborhood , which is quite interesting in a lot of ways : train tracks , some orderly house , some wrecked houses with shit piled everywhere . Sheila 's parent 's house is one of the moss covered decaying type of houses . There was one functional trunk up front , and four decaying ancient vehicles behind that . The house was tiny and rotting . I knocked on the door and a dog started barking . I was a bit nervous as you can imagine . Sheila 's mom put her head out the door , and basically said " Sheila 's not here . She 's with a friend . She 'll get hold of you when and if she wants to . " which is reasonable . His alarm went off at six , as it did every morning without fail . Spring was coming on , through the Venetian blinds . He had the blinds closed , because it always seemed as if there was too much light coming through the windows when he was trying to sleep . The sky was mostly cloudy lately , and he looked up at it from time to time , when he took the time to open the blinds . The clock was a blue GE model built in a square shape and antique desing . It must have been about twenty years old because he got it from an old pawn shop for five dollars , and the thing was quite dependable , although its clock radio only picked up AM , so he ended up listening to a whole lot of right wing sound announcers when he woke up . Somehow the clock alarm was timed so that it would turn on just when the news was going off , and today it had something to do with the election . At least it is not the weather , he thought to himself , because the weather had been quite terrible recently , with flooding , and intense cold , and just about everything else , it had seemed . Everything was spread out on his floor , and there was nothing separating his own body from the floor but a mattress . The floor was covered with a red carpet that gave the room a strangely bright and faded look . His books were spread out here and there , and clothes were here and there , piled on the dresser , and piled underneath piles of other clothes . The first thing that Joe did every morning , upon coming into his conscious mind , was to take one step over to the wall socket , and plug in the white cord that connected to the lamp on the table , so that he could see what he was doing . Sometimes the cord would get caught on something , or the lamp would be turned off at the base , and this would lead to more lurching in the dark . Finally he got it turned on , and then turned back to his bed to look for his glasses , which were usually right off the bed by the side but there were a number of different locations where they could be at different times . They had silver rims , and round frames , and held up well for a number of years , and would hopefully hold up for several more , he thought to himself , with some anxiety . A few days before he had woken up to find one of the lenses to have fallen from the rim , and he had to put it back in again . That was always the first sign that they were starting to go , that the lenses would start to fall out and become loose in the frames . He had bought them over three years ago from an optician in Berkeley with a little black mustache who had said that they looked great , compared with the monstrosities that he had worn before that . Everything was quiet at this time of the morning , and the air smelled clean and fresh , and there was an aura of tranquility and acceptability about that time of the morning . As he put on his clothing , a sense of the wonder of the sense of things came to him and he looked at himself from space looking down onto the oceans and continents , and there he was , in his room putting on his clothes . " Today I will think of the unity of the way of things , and the universal sense in the part of the actual course of my own activities , " he thought to himself , and put on his jacket . " Every action has its significance or insignificance , for in the long view of things , in the infinite course of time , there is no significant actiion or worthy or unworthy goal , or any thing at all but the forces of man struggling in the here and now , the thrashing about . The drift of things . . . " he went on and on and on , and went down the stairway to the kitchen , and there was the espresso maker , hexagonal , sitting on the stove , and also the coffee pot , and the pan from last night , and the rice cooker with the light on . There was a scratching at the door . It was Fred , the old cat , who knew when Joe got up , and knew that if he was lucky he could get some attention . But Joe went down to the basement to get his clothes from the dryer , and then back up to the kitchen to sit and wait for the time to be right for him to leave . He never left the house until 6 : 38 , because any earlier and there would be a long wait , and any later and he might miss the bus . He went over to the freezer and cut off a slice of bread and put it in the toaster , and waited for it to heat , still in kind of a daze from the morning . There was a copy of Whitman on the table and he flipped it open and started to read . . . " did you think these were the words , these lines , dots , swirls , these are not words . . . . . the substantial words are in me , in you . " he read slowly . He took out his key and opened and closed his door on the way out , and the cat stood there looking for him . " Bye cat , I have to go and make some money . " he said . The trees were starting to look greener and the sun was making weird patterns over the north hills . His feet pattered on the ground , feeling the pavement carefully through the soles . His pack was light on his back , and the morning was unusually warm , as if the day would certainly be warm . The bus pulled up at the curb and he got on , and recognized most of the people on the bus , including the driver . The lady in front of the seat where he was sitting was talking about macaroni and cheese . " She uses some kind of fancy pants recipe and she puts it in the oven and it turns out quite well " she was saying . " My husband doesn 't have a fancy job like yours does . " she was saying to the girl beside her . Joe got off downtown and crossed the street to the bus stop where he had to wait for the bus to take him to Beaverton . It wasn 't long in coming . There were a bunch of people standing and waiting around already , waiting for the same bus . The cafe in the office building near the stop was crowded and it seemed like it might be nice to go in and have a bit to eat , but there was no time . The bus pulled up , and there they were , having to get on for sure , because it only ran once every thirty minutes , and by that time he would be late for work . He recognized everybody on this bus well , because it ran every day , and it took about twenty minutes to get tohis job , . . . . I think somehow I can 't avoid trouble , for some reason . At least we have this musical gig coming up . I don 't know what the heck I 'm doing tomorrow though . Maybe just the usual , or more of the usual , and maybe something healthy to eat instead of my usual unhealthy diet , or go for a walk . I sure hope the weather gets a little less cold . People are funny and unusual and the world seems incredibly messed up really , which is bizarre because I thought I liked the way this town was , but there goes to show that I 'm clueless . Maybe I 'd rather stay that way , not that I care anyway . So , beyond that Telegraph : it had some good coffee shops , populated by students much like myself . ( I didn 't start drinking coffee until age 25 , but that 's another story . ) So , yeah , great bookstore , Cody 's books , sold new books , and then the next door shop , Moe 's , had five floors of books . Then there were Shakespeare 's , one other cool one , then Shambhala books . Not that that means much . Then there was your classic head shop , AnnaPurna . Couple record stores , . . . . lots of food . Yeah , sounds pretty good . Well , it was easy living because I lived in a dorm and just had to go to class and try to learn stuff , much of which was interesting . I got my grade ten . I have an idea of living out in some small valley in the coast range , surrounded by the beauty of nature , living simply , doing a lot of gardening , and living in proximity to many friends . I would have a place with a wood floor to teach yoga , tai chi , kempo , karate , aikido , if the instructor is good . Me and anyone who wanted to would play music or do art . People would stop by from far - off places , and there would be great discussions in rooms fueled by wood fires , and mellow parties with music on special occasions , but music would be happening all of the time , as would art of all kinds . We would all be living in close proximity , so we could bicycle or walk everywhere . This would be in a valley in the coast range , and would not be any sort of cult , because people would live there voluntarily , and there would be no conflict with the laws and policies of the local government , for the most part . Those of us that wanted to spend a lot of time gardening could do so . Privacy and space would be respected , but there would be a constant social environment with good conversation and good things happening , to take part in or not , and hopefully some good writing would result from it . Sort of like the next step up from the famous parties at Ken Kesey 's place in La Honda that Jerry Garcia and the Dead attended . It would be a similar beautiful environment , but a step forward from the drugs and chaos of the past , to an environment where we could talk about the kind of world this should be . And safer in terms of keeping control of excessive drug use , in some way . I know there are such hippies hiding out in the coast range already ( definitely know that now ! ) , but maybe we could take it to the next level , beyond where it is now . Many people live out there at peace with themselves and surrounded by beauty , but in my mind , the interactions of people living there and people visiting can have a real effect on the course of events and negotiations in the real world of wars and politics . I always hoped to live in a place where good social inteTell me if you want to be untagged , but it seems like a good idea , right ? Good discussions would be nice . It 's like that Henry James story where he and certain people greet each other and acknowledge that they were both at a place , hosted by somebody , where great , or substantive in some way , discussions took place . Collin 's the only guy who remembers those Berkeley days , but those days weren 't all great , that 's for sure . Here 's a little aside about yoga and karate : Doing a lot more yoga would be great . It 's a very important aspect , in that it sorts out the connections and strengths in the body , and yoga people understand those ideas and go beyond what we know in karate , because although we stretch , most of the class is movement , some of it fast . Still , doing the forms in karate is , like tai chi , meditation in movement , or they can be done that way . People are put off karate because they see strength and anger and fighting , but in our style it 's affectionate anger . We always shake hands after a |
Marriage . Infidelity . Divorce . Infertility . Baby . Diabetes . Insulin Pump . Not necessarily in that order . My life 's better than a soap opera . After many e - mails , Nemo and I agreed that we would meet at the mall for his Saturday visit . I would put Lucian down for his afternoon nap early , and we 'd meet at 2 : 00 . Sounds simple , right ? At 1 : 35 , Nemo called and said that he was still at work and would be for another hour , and what did I want to do ? Normally , I would have cancelled the whole thing but I needed to get some things at the mall . So I agreed we would meet at 3 : 00 instead . I let Lucian sleep until 2 : 15 , and I was happy about that . ( more sleep = easier child ) At 2 : 50 , we were just outside the mall when Nemo called again . He wouldn 't be there until 3 : 30 . Already there , I said that we would be there then . Lucian and I did a bit of shopping , and then scoped out the play area . I then figured that I better go to the bathroom because I might not get a chance if Nemo was even later and Lucian was playing . I decide to use a bathroom in a store that I never go in . As I 'm walking , who do I see ? Nemo 's dad and grandmother . What are the chances that they would be in the same store that I was in ? They saw me , and I didn 't have a chance to escape . Jabba and Sophia talked to me briefly . They didn 't mention Nemo and I thought that maybe they didn 't even know that Lucian and I were supposed to be meeting him . They left , and then I took Lucian with me to the bathroom . It was a very tight squeeze with his stroller , and a huge inconvenience . I later thought - this is how much these people drive me crazy : I 'd rather take Lucian with me than leave him with them for two minutes . ( by the way , I haven 't gone into tons of detail about the craziness of my ex - in - laws , but believe me when I say they 're crazy . ) Lucian and I then went to the play area . As I 'm watching him run around , I feel a presence behind me : Jabba and Sophia behind me . Are they stalking me ? This time they tell me that Nemo is on his way . Nemo finally arrives at 3 : 45 . He claimed that he didn 't know that his father and grandmother were going to be there . ( lie ? ) It felt like a set - up to me , and it made me very uncomfoPosted by The week that Nemo went to the psychiatrist and admitted to me that he had used drugs , he stopped coming home at night altogether . The next week , I had a meltdown . Nemo was home for a bit on Saturday ( to take a shower , check his mail , etc ) and I told him that my car needed to be looked at . One of the warning lights was on . He said that he would look at it on Sunday , and left . On Sunday , I waited for him . I called him a few times , but he didn 't answer . I finally went out with a friend shopping , hoping that he 'd be home when I returned . He wasn 't . At 7 : 00 pm , I started calling his friends and family . No one knew where he was , or had heard from him . They all sounded like they were telling the truth . At the time , I remember thinking - he can 't still be with Elvira , because they would know about it . One of Nemo 's friends had a long conversation with me . He was divorced , his wife had cheated on him . He couldn 't reach Nemo either . I was sobbing and hyperventilating on the phone with him . I was out of control . He suggested we meet for lunch the next day . I was so desperate , I agreed . I cried for nearly an hour that night . Hard , sobbing , like someone had died . I think it hit me that our marriage was dead . You can 't hold a marriage up by yourself , and by God , I tried . For a very long time . And I couldn 't do it any longer . Nemo called me the next morning from work as I was on my way for an ultrasound . ( I was having weekly ultrasounds by this point in the pregnancy . ) He said that he needed to get away so he went to his parents ' cottage . He said that he went by himself and that he didn 't answer the phone because he wanted to be left alone . Of course , in my heart I knew that he didn 't go alone . I knew that he was lying . I even called him out on it . But I was also desperately trying to hang on to him . I thought he was mentally ill and needed my help . I truly loved him . I met his friend for lunch . Really , he didn 't provide me with any information that I didn 't know already . His advice was to " stand by my man " and that Nemo would come bPosted by Read the first part here . And the second part here . Elvira was at my house for probably a half an hour . Her friend that had called me earlier , came in the house too . They wanted to go upstairs to see Lucian . Nothing else shocked me more than that . I told them that no way was I letting strangers up to see my son at 3 : 00 am . ( still to this day I can 't believe the gall that those two had . ) I asked Elvira what had brought her to my house , and this is what she told me : Nemo had broken up with her that morning , right after they had been intimate . I couldn 't believe it , as he had been planning to come home for days , all the while still seeing the girlfriend . Among other things , I felt used . She then showed me a text message on her phone that was from Nemo . It had been from the previous day when he had been having dinner with me at his parents ' house . It said that he loved and missed her and would be with her shortly . Seeing it in writing made me ill . Finally , Elvira and her friend left . ( by the way , I thought that both of them were probably high on something . ) Nemo and I sat down and had a talk . I was sick . I was repulsed by him . Disappointed and sad . I couldn 't believe that my life had come to this . Sitting with my estranged husband in the middle of the night discussing his high , str * ipper girlfriend . He was still lying to me . Still wouldn 't admit that he had done anything wrong . When I asked him why he had slept with her when he was trying to make an effort to return to our marriage , he said - it 's like when you quit smoking and you want to savor your last cigarette . I was so offended by that statement , I didn 't even know what to say . He left for work early that day . When I later saw his phone bills ( that I had subpoened ) , he made a phone call to Elvira the moment he left the house . So much for wanting to get back together with me . I was incredibly angry . I 'm not a drama queen . I don 't throw tantrums . I 'm not evil or vindictive by nature . I briefly thought about throwing his clothes out on the lawn or changing the locks . ButPosted by Last night I dropped Lucian off with Nemo and his mother . I 'm doing better about accepting the parenting time . Not great , but marginally better . I still feel like it 's a waste of my time , but I 'm accepting it , a little at a time . Anyway , when my Mom and I picked Lucian up , Lucian came running to me , with a big smile and a loud - Ba Ba ! ! ! ! ( for some reason he can 't pronounce m 's , so he calls me Ba Ba ) Cruella leaned in and said - give me a kiss good - bye . Lucian then looked deep in my eyes and planted a big wet kiss on my lips . Then he smiled again and hugged me . It was so wonderful . I can 't even describe how elated I was . It was the purest joy of motherhood I 've experienced . Cruella has wanted to be Lucian 's mother since the day he was born . I know this probably sounds a bit paranoid , but it 's the feeling I 've gotten from her from day one . She has tried to tell me what to do , and then she 's gone and done her own thing , rather than listening to me . Every chance she gets , she undermines me . She has tried to get Lucian 's attention away from me . She 's actually pried him out of my arms several times . So that one kiss , it makes everything worth it . Something happens in your body at 3 : 00 am . Diabetics know that it 's the start of the dawn phenomenon . Something changes with your hormones . For me , I often wake up . Last night , 3 : 01 , I was awake . I had to turn the tv on to lull me back to sleep , to stop the thoughts running around in my head . I wish there was an off switch for my anxiety . So I was laying there thinking about another night , two years ago , when I was awake . I was pregnant , it was summer ( July or August ) . It cool for that time of year . The windows were open and a soft breeze blew in . My tv was on . My husband was not home . At that point in our marriage , and to my disappointment , Nemo went out most nights . I was mad , sad , irritated , and frustrated about it . But I couldn 't keep him home . ( can you really make anyone do anything ? ) As spring turned to summer and then to fall , he stayed out later and later to finally not returning at all . This particular night , I woke up scared , in a panic . I went to the kitchen , got something to eat , and tried to call Nemo . He didn 't answer his phone . I waited , and tried again . I left five messages in a half hour . He would hate when I 'd do that , but I couldn 't help myself . I was becoming more and more irritated as the months went on , and I felt the control over my life slipping away as my husband slipped away . It wasn 't right that I should be home by myself , not knowing where my husband was in the middle of the night . I remember looking out the window . Feeling the breeze . Staring at the nearly full moon and how it brought light to the yard . Watching the leaves on the trees rustle . Feeling like but for one small thing , Nemo being there , I could be serene in that moment . I wondered where Nemo was during that one moment . Where he could be that he couldn 't be bothered to answer the phone . He called me forty - five minutes later with some excuse . In the end , they were all the same : he fell asleep at n 's house with his phone in the car , he was at x bar where he couldn 't hear his phone even on vibrate , he was driving home with the radioPosted by I want to have another baby . I know how absurd this is . I have no money , no job , no car . I live with my parents . After years of infertility , I really am satisfied with having just one . Lucian is enough . But still . . . I dream of another . These are the things I think about : How cute would Lucian be as a big brother ? I 'd get more use out of all the baby stuff and maternity clothes . I 'd get to experience pregnancy with a clear mind . It would drive Nemo 's family crazy . But mostly , I 'd love it for me . I 'm a good mother . ( and father too ) There aren 't many things I 'd brag and say that I do well . But motherhood is one of them . I think this is why I pushed so hard during the infertility struggles . I knew I 'd be a great mom . I already have an awesome donor , Lucian would have a full sibling , it would only cost me $ 300 for the sperm sample ( that 's assuming it worked with one try - it 's my dream so I might as well go for the gold , right ? ) But it 's not a realistic dream at this point in my life . But my heart still dreams about it anyway . If I won the lottery , my first call would be to the fertility clinic . Diabetes is probably what 's going to kill me . After two decades of dealing with it , I 've pretty much accepted it . Diabetes though , is a disease that can be controlled . Not easily , not pretty , but it 's not necessarily a death sentence . But , if you live with it long enough , chances are the complications will get you . I felt guilty for years and years . Every thing I ate , I felt bad about . Every blood test I skipped , every shot I missed ( most were accidental ) , every doctor appointment filled me with dread . Then I started using the ( insulin ) pump . The day after I started , I felt freedom for the first time . I 've not only achieved much better results , but the emotional difference was life changing . Short of a cure , nothing is better . It 's the best decision I 've ever made about my health . Even with the inconveniences , I love love love it . It makes me feel like a normal person . Most days I run on autopilot - my diabetes management runs itself . It 's wonderful . So I 've been thinking lately how my experiences with diabetes have prepared me for the challenges I currently face . For so long , diabetes was front and center , eating me alive , taking control over my life . I don 't think I fully lived until I got my pump . I was reborn that day . I 'm hoping that I find some tool , if you will , that will help me achieve control over my current situation . Right now , the only thing that 's keeping me feeling not completely claustrophobic is that Lucian will grow up . One way or another , he will eventually turn eighteen and be in control over his own life . I won 't have to worry about Nemo then , corrupting my baby . I won 't be obligated to give Nemo so many evenings per week . I can 't wait for that day . ( at the same time , I 'm trying not to wish time away , trying to enjoy every moment of Lucian 's life ) In the meantime , I 'm just trying to cope . Waiting for the day when I can relax a bit . When I can shift into autopilot and know that it will all be okay . I wanted the perfect name for my child . If the baby had been a girl , I wanted to name her after my grandmother . That would have been too easy though . When we found out the baby was going to be a boy , I started thinking long and hard . I wanted something a little different , not too common , but not so crazy that he 'd be embarrassed in years to come . Nemo and I talked about it a lot . That is , I talked , and he listened . He was mostly uninterested . Every time I tried to have a serious conversation with him , he would come up with names like " Lightning " and " Thunder " . I would ask him to be serious , and he would say that he wasn 't joking . I would get mad at him and drop the subject for another day . But the same thing would happen the next time too . I was so frustrated . I brought up the idea of having a Junior . It wasn 't really what I wanted , but at that point I wanted to involve Nemo and make him feel like he was part of this baby 's life . Personally , I think it 's too confusing to have two people with the same name in one household . So I was relieved that Nemo didn 't want the baby to be a junior either . But his words hurt me to the core . He actually said to me - I might have a baby of my own and I 'd like to save it for him . Didn 't he understand that this was his baby ? I was devastated . Since I didn 't have Nemo 's input , ( and I wasn 't even sure he was going to show up for the birth ) I had a name picked out as my back - up . But at the time , I thought I loved Nemo and I wanted the name to be chosen by both of us . At 38 weeks , I was sent to the birthing center because I was starting to develop pre - eclampsia . On the way there , I called Nemo at work and said - we need to choose a name today . I was panicking . I could have had the baby that day and he wouldn 't have had a name . The hospital ended up releasing me . I went home and consulted the social security website . I put together a list of five names and we narrowed it down to one we could both agree on . I had one week to toss it around in my head before I delivered , and I ended up being Posted by I was scared the whole time I was pregnant . For many reasons ( including being at home most nights alone ) but I was scared what the baby was going to be like . I had nothing concrete on the father of my baby . We chose the donor based upon blood type and ancestry . I 've never seen a photo of him . I don 't know his value system . I know that he 's tall , good looking , and healthy . I now know that he gave me a beautiful child . But then , I didn 't . I knew that I would never reject any child , but I was still uncertain exactly what I was in for . Who would he look like ? What genetic factors would be out of my control ? Would he look like a troll , or have two heads ? My mind escalated with possibilities . Lucian was extremely active in utero . He kicked and moved around the clock . Even the doctors , nurses , ultrasound techs , etc would comment how active he was . I 'd entertain myself for hours just watching my stomach roll and lurch . But I couldn 't help but think , who is this child living inside of me ? It didn 't help that Nemo was mostly out of the picture , and when he was around , didn 't want to speak about it . I think it pained him . So I kept my feelings to myself , because I had no one else to confide in . I was petrified . After he was born , it took me all of ten seconds to fall in love with Lucian . In one breath , all my fears subsided . He was perfect in every way . He still is . I wish I had had more faith . Next time I will . Do you ever have one of those years ( decades ) where things just keep coming at you ? Where you can 't find peace easily ? Our basement flooded this week . I don 't believe that there will be any long term consequences , but it 's sent the house into a tailspin . I 've gotten a few e - mails from Nemo this week that have angered and annoyed me . The guy is just such a jerk . For someone who was out of our lives now seems to want the moon . I 'm not sure how to handle it and it 's causing me anxiety . Why couldn 't he be one of those guys who gets you pregnant ( with a donor ) and then just leaves ? Why does Nemo fight for a baby that 's not is , ( and never treated him like he was ) ? Legal custody sucks . In the past week , I 've also gotten two late night phone calls from a private number . Very suspicious . If it happens again , I 'm calling the police . It has Elvira 's fingerprints all over it . Anyway , this post has no cohesive thoughts . Just stuff I wanted to get off my chest . I 've felt better since starting the blog and releasing my feelings to the universe ( or just anyone with an internet connection ) . A big thanks to everyone who 's left comments and been supportive . I 've really needed to hear stuff like that . Thank you . More stories later when I 'm in a better mood . When I was 15 weeks pregnant , I learned that I would be having an 18 week ultrasound . I was told that if we wanted to find out the sex of the baby , that that was the ultrasound that they could tell us . I asked Nemo when would be convenient for him to go . I thought we could get the first appointment in the morning so that he wouldn 't have to miss alot of time at work . He informed me that he couldn 't go . He was too busy at work . What ? This was the day that we would find out if we were having a son or a daughter , and he couldn 't go ? He had gone in late plenty of other times , and missed entire days without problem . The kicker is that Nemo works for his dad . My ex - father - in - law , Jabba , has been very unkind to me since the divorce , but at that time was very supportive of the baby and me . ( At the time he thought the baby was his biological heir too so that could be part of the difference . Oh and the shame of divorce that I 've brought upon their family , let 's not forget that . Because there 's no shame in your married son dating a str * ipper and leaving his wife . Just ending the marriage is the shameful part . But I digress . . . ) I spent a week in turmoil . Should I go to the ultrasound alone ? I was embarrassed that my husband didn 't want to go with me . When I told friends and family about the appointment , everyone was so excited , and all I felt was dread and humiliation . So I went to his mom , Cruella . I told her that Nemo wasn 't going to go . She laughed at me , and said that of course he was going . Nemo and I had had serious conversations about it , repetitively . I used all my persuasive powers and had been unable to convince him . I begged and pleaded and he still told me he couldn 't go . Cruella called me the next day and said that Jabba said Nemo was going . I made the appointment . Nemo said to me later that it was all a joke and that of course he was planning on going . I didn 't think it was funny . Nothing in my life was funny . Not the fact that he was gone all the time , lying to me all the time , or manipulating me all the time . It waPosted by Nemo and I had decided that we weren 't going to tell anyone that we had used donor sperm . We agreed that we wouldn 't tell the child either . ( this was one of his stipulations ) Then , Nemo left our marriage . He left me pregnant , alone , scared , and broke . Things changed , and so did I . When Lucian was four months old , I told my parents about using donor sperm . They had had suspicions all along ( because they knew all about the infertility struggles and Nemo 's lack of quality sperm ) , so they weren 't surprised by my announcement . I slowly started telling other friends and family . I realized that because of all the circumstances surrounding Lucian 's conception and birth , and the fact that I was divorcing my husband , I needed to tell the truth . I have no shame or embarrassment with anything I have done . In fact , I 'm proud of the choices I 've made , and I 'd like to shout it from the mountain tops . The reactions that I 've had from people have been wonderful . Everything ranging from indifference to joy . If anyone has judged me , they 've done it out of my earshot . Most people were happy to know that Lucian is not genetically related to Nemo . I knew that when Lucian was old enough , he needed to hear the truth . At age appropriate times , he needs to hear the story . I want others to know , so they can support him and love him for who he is , genetics and all , not for his last name , given by a man who didn 't love him enough to stick around for awhile . Happy mother 's day to all . . . . . . but especially to all the childless mothers . Because I was there , and I remember the pain . While my mother is alive and well , and an amazing mother that I am proud to celebrate , I came to feel through infertility that mother 's day was some kind of cosmic joke . So not funny . Even now , on my second mother 's day , it still feels like an awkward celebration . For me , there was never a difference between the way I saw biological children versus the way I saw adopted children . Both ways make a family . I never really gave it a second thought until recently . I have a very close friend who has two children . They just happen to be adopted . Those kids are the children she was meant to have . I never refer to them as adopted , just as " my friend 's kids " . It 's a non - issue for me . Then we chose to use donor sperm . Still no issue for me . The baby we would have would be both of ours . Loved equally by us and our families . It would just so happen that he / she would be half adopted . I was okay with that , and I still am . Then my husband left me . Abandoned me during my pregnancy , never was there after Lucian was born either , etc etc . . . He never bonded with Lucian . Nemo has shown a bit more interest lately ( about three weeks ) , but since Elvira , the str * ipper girlfriend is suddenly out of the picture , he has a bit more time on his hands . I believe that if Lucian had been the biological child of Nemo , things would have been different . Maybe not . But I really think that Nemo might have been more involved , cared a bit more , and been a bit kinder . In his head , he would have thought " my child " , not " her child " . It took me many months after Lucian 's birth , but I now see Lucian as my child only . I feel bad that I feel this way , like I am not doing right by all adopted kids . But I can 't help it . I feel that Nemo is not his father . And really , before I beat myself up too bad , it 's not just the biology , it 's the fact that Nemo never treated Lucian like he was his . So I have a hard time . How do I trust my ex - husband , who is not my baby 's biological father , with who I see as my child ? A real father , biological or not , does not treat the mother or the baby the way that we 've been treated . How do I trust someone , who has not had an interest , who has admitted to drug use , who suggested suicide , with my baby that I fought long and hard for ? This man is a stranger to both of us . Read the first part here . I answered the phone and spoke to Elvira 's friend for about half an hour . She and Elvira were wondering where Nemo was that night . It was the first night in a long time that they hadn 't heard from him . Of course , what a coincidence ! It was the first night in months that Nemo was sleeping in our home . She knew about Lucian , she knew about the divorce . ( had been to the courthouse even to look up the divorce filing . ) She told me things about Nemo 's friends and family that I wasn 't aware of . Like the fact that Nemo 's brother and cousins not only were aware of Elvira , but hung out with her . I felt so betrayed , not only by Nemo , but by his family . They had been my family too . And the whole time I was pregnant , they were supporting his relationship with Elvira . After we hung up , I went into the guest bedroom to confront Nemo . He wouldn 't answer my questions and pretended to fall asleep . I tried to go back to bed , but I was wide awake . At 3 : 00 am , my doorbell rang . That 's 3 : 00 in the morning , in case you missed it . I went to answer the door . Nemo got up and raced me to the door . He cracked the door , and that 's when I got my first look at Elvira . She said she wanted to speak to him . It was a bitter cold night , so I invited her in . ( Nemo would later remind me that it was me , not him , who invited her in . He 's the one who invited her into our lives , but he couldn 't seem to grasp that . But my reasoning wasn 't so she wouldn 't freeze out in the cold , but that I wanted to hear what she had to say . ) She came in and sat at my kitchen table . She and Nemo just stared at each other , waiting for the other to start . She looked like she had been awake for days . I started the conversation by asking where they had met . She said - at a bar . It suddenly dawned on me , a lightening bolt if you will , and I asked her - are you a str * ipper ? She nodded a yes . My husband left me for a str * ipper . There 's more to this part of the story , but this is all I can write for now . I feel the bile rising in my throat just like it did thatPosted by As I 've said in a couple of other posts , my son is a miracle . Every baby / person is a miracle , but Lucian 's existence is a miracle of timing . Since Nemo and I had skipped steps that most couples take ( because with male factor infertility we had to go right to IVF ) we had to backtrack a bit . I started charting my temperature and bought an ovulation predictor kit . It was an odd feeling for me , after three years of infertility , that I might be able to get pregnant pretty much on my own . Nemo had a trip scheduled to Las Vegas with his friends in mid - March . I was unhappy about the trip . There were probably ten people going , and some of them were bringing their wives . Nemo had not invited me , and made it clear that he wanted to spend some time with his friends without me . I was a different person then ; I accepted a lot of his behavior because I didn 't know that I had a choice . I allowed him to go , because it seemed easier to just let him go than to argue . Before the trip , I had been doing the ovulation prediction . Days went by and I wasn 't getting a positive . So I gave up , thinking that maybe I had ovulated really early . ( I have a luteal phase defect which I thought had thrown things off . ) Three days later , Nemo was set to leave . I had one stick left and decided to use it on a whim . I was shocked when the color turned . I called the clinic , and they had me come in for an ultrasound . My IUI would be the next day . Since it would be a Saturday , I was to go pick up the frozen specimen myself before the procedure . I dropped Nemo off at the airport that night . Saturday morning , I woke up early and went to the cryobank . They gave me the vial of the donor we had chosen , telling me to keep it in my pocket until I arrived at the clinic . Everything went according to the textbook at the clinic . The nurse told me that the sperm count was 80 million and performed the IUI . Half an hour later , I was on my way home . Two weeks later , I would find out I was pregnant . Nemo had started acting funny the week he left for Las Vegas and I had the IUI . Posted by Last year on Oprah , she had couples on the show who had dealt with infertility in their marriages . I identified with the feelings the wives had , except for one . All of the wives were extremely angry at the mistresses . All of them had taken their husbands back and had placed the blame elsewhere . What I 'd like to know is , who should take the responsibility for an affair ? For me , I placed all blame on Nemo . Not that I 'm exactly thrilled with Elvira either . But she never made a commitment to me , he did . The story goes like this . ( and I 'm not sure how much of this is truth , because it came from two known liars ) Nemo goes out to the bar sometime during the month of March 2004 , takes his wedding ring off , meets Elvira and tells her that he 's in the middle of getting a divorce and lives alone . Both Nemo and Elvira told me this same version . I 'm not saying that she has no blame . At some point , she learned of me , of my pregnancy , and of the fact that we were not in the middle of a divorce . Yet she decided to continue the relationship . Me , I couldn 't do that to another woman . So I do blame her also . But he 's the one who pledged his fidelity to me in front of God , our family and friends . Then took his wedding ring off and denied my existence . Read part 1 . After the last IVF in early 2003 that was negative , Nemo and I decided not to push farther on at that point . Thinking back now , it was probably more my decision ( as most things in the marriage were ) because each IVF took a small piece of me . Each negative was extremely difficult and I needed some time away from infertility . In the summer of 2003 , I went to Europe with my mother - in - law , Cruella . Nemo 's parents own a home there . I felt pushed into it , but at the same time , it was an adventure to take my mind off of the infertility . And I desperately needed that , so I went . I did alot of soul searching there as I had alot of time on my hands . Imagine yourself in a foreign country where you can 't communicate with anyone besides your mother - in - law . . . who I later figured out was playing passive agressive mind games with me . I 'm digressing here . So anyway , we spent alot of time at the beach , where I kept my mind open to all the possiblities . A little boy playing in the sand made up my mind : I would love any child that came into my life . At this point in our infertility journey , we had been given the donor sperm option several times . Nemo didn 't like the idea , as he felt that it wouldn 't be his child . I didn 't share his opinion , but I respected it . When I came home from Europe , I was calmer than I had been in years . I had faith that a child would come to me . Six months or so went by - I figured we had been happy before infertility , couldn 't we be happy again without kids ? I was okay in the short term , but still unsettled about the future . One day in the car , I brought it up . Surprisingly , Nemo responded to the donor sperm idea in a positive way . We had known all along that the few immature sperm that he could produce were of very low quality . It took us time ( and alot of money ) to accept that . So in February I went back to the fertility clinic telling them our decision to try the donor sperm route . They required us to meet with a psychologist . I fell in love with Nemo all over again that day . He said things like - Posted by Last year , Nemo called me and said that he couldn 't see Lucian that night because it was cinco de mayo . I had come to expect Nemo 's excuses , but cinco de mayo ? It 's laughable . Nemo is not Spanish nor of Latin descent , nor had he ever celebrated the holiday any other year . It got me to thinking about all his excuses why he couldn 't see Lucian . Here 's a partial list : 1 . He had to take his brother to work ( brother has a DUI and lost his license ) 2 . He had to pick his grandmother up ( grandmother denied this the following day ) 3 . There was bad traffic ( he uses this excuse most often and it 's surprising how long it can take him just to drive a few miles ) 4 . He got into a fight with his dad , and needed to get out of town ( has used this on several occasions ) 5 . He needed to have dinner with his dad6 . He 's going out of town at the last minute7 . He 's working late 8 . He had a rehearsal dinner ( and on this particular evening , he was still in the house during parenting time , but not exercising it ) 9 . He fell asleep ( where ? ) 10 . He had a meeting for a business , which had had no income since before Lucian was born11 . He has been sick at least once per month in the past year . At this point , Lucian is too young to be disappointed . But I do worry that when he 's old enough to understand , he 'll take it personally . I realize that I can 't control Nemo and his excuses . All I can do is love and support Lucian so that he knows he has me , who will always be there . On cinco de mayo and every day . I struggle with Mommy guilt . I 'm sure it stems from my Catholic upbringing , perhaps even my parents ' Catholic upbringing . I respond well to guilt . I 'm basically both mother and father to Lucian . I respond to his every need . I 'm the one who 's been there for everything . I 've gotten him on a good schedule . I do all the ( minor ) disciplining . I not only enjoy it , but I feel obligated to do it . I enjoy the obligation , if you will . My therapist wants me to get out a bit more . Go out with friends . Go shopping by myself . Find some interests that aren 't kid or divorce related . Just do something . It 's been hard . Harder than I ever imagined . And most of the time , Lucian is napping or down for the night when I leave , so it 's not like I 'm missing very many of his awake hours . I have a good time out with friends , or myself . I don 't feel guilty about that . I feel guilty for missing a part of my son 's life . I realize that I can 't be there for every moment for the rest of his life . Someday he 'll be in school , and I 'm okay with that . I really just wanted to be with him during the early years . And for the most part , I 've been able to accomplish that . I 'm not entirely sure why I feel guilty . I know that I shouldn 't . There 's so many good reasons why I deserve a break too . I feel like it took me so much time , so much money , so much effort to have this baby and I really just don 't want to miss a moment of it . Maybe I just need him to enter the terrible two 's and I 'll want to pawn him off onto someone else . He 's pretty darn cute when he cries though . There 's a couple of key pieces of information that I haven 't gotten around to writing about . Actually , truthfully , it 's hard for me to even think about , let alone type it out and see it in written form . I 'm going to do it , it just might take me some time . I 've felt empowered by this blog . By telling my story and releasing it to the universe . So here goes . It 's not the juiciest part of the story , but it involves Lucian , so it 's hard for me . I made the phone call to my lawyer to start the divorce proceedings because of a phone call I received from Nemo . Lucian was about eight weeks old . We were in his room . I folded laundry while he was entranced with a music box . The phone rang . At this point , Nemo had been showing up randomly , intermittently maybe twice a week , and almost never on a weekend . I was still in doubt about his whereabouts and I had convinced myself that he was not seeing Elvira . I still thought he was taking the anti - depressants . It was 11 : 00 on a Friday morning . He was calling to tell me that he was going to his family 's cottage for the weekend . I was surprised by the information , as like I said , he hadn 't been telling me much of anything in months . It was a quick conversation and before I hung up I told him to have a safe trip . ( and I really meant it ) He then said ( and I 'll never forget it ) that wouldn 't it be better for everyone if he drove his car off the side of the road ? I replied that of course it wouldn 't be better . We talked for a bit longer . I was really worried about him . Not just because of that conversation , but also in the way he had been acting for the last ten months ( coincentally I would find out later the same ten months that he had been with Elvira ) . He seemed really defeated , and I felt sorry for him . I then called my lawyer because I realized that I couldn 't have Lucian in the car when Nemo was driving . Not that Nemo had been around to drive us anywhere anyway . My lawyer started the proceedings . It took all of my courage to tell her to start . I still don 't know how I did it . It was becauPosted by I 'm a 30 - something mom to a wonderful little boy named Lucian , who was conceived using a sperm donor and IUI . Previous to that , I did IVF twice . I 've had type 1 diabetes for almost twenty - five years and have used an insulin pump for eight . I 'm currently using the Deltec Cozmo . I 'm divorced from Nemo , who left me while I was pregnant . I 'm currently single , without a job , and living with my parents . I 'm not a writer , just someone with a story to tell . All events are factual to the best of my memory . Names are changed to protect the not - so - innocent . |
The clock quietly ticked , the only sound in the room . Danny Mason looked around the table , seeing his relatives , all waiting quietly as the lawyer gathered his materials , getting ready to read the will . The others didn 't want Danny to be there , thinking that he was too young at 15 for this , but he was closer than any of them to his Uncle Benny . Danny almost smiled , fondly remembering Uncle Benny . He had always been a bit eccentric , and had been the black sheep of the family . He was always cheap , the kind of guy who would eat dog food and never throw anything away , but everyone suspected that he was secretly rich . Unfortunately , now they were about to find out for sure . Danny was the only one that was really upset about this , having really liked his odd uncle . The lawyer cleared his throat , and started reading from the will . Almost everyone was disappointed , secretly believing that a great fortune would be revealed , but finding instead that Uncle Benny wasn 't that rich . He only had a couple thousand at most , which was split between his brothers . Danny hadn 't expected anything , or at least not any money , but he 'd at least hoped that Uncle Benny would have remembered . Once the reading was finished , everyone started leaving , and Danny started to follow out behind his Dad , but the lawyer motioned for Danny to stay for a minute . Curious , Danny waited until everyone was gone . The Lawyer , an older man picked up a small wooden box , and placed it in front of Danny . Curiously , Danny remembered seeing it on Uncle Benny 's table . The lawyer smiled at him . Danny was quiet on the ride back home , holding the small box close to him . He hid it so that his parents couldn 't see it . He didn 't know why Uncle Benny had it given to him , or even what was in it yet . He couldn 't wait to get home and see , his curiosity burning inside him . Quietly , Danny stared intently at the box , seeing the dark wood . It didn 't look too old , and didn 't seem too fancy . In fact , it was a bit scratched and battered , with a small latch holding it closed in front . He tried to imagine what was in the box . A bunch of jewelry ? Lots of money ? Finally he gave into his curiosity and slowly lifted the latch , and opened the lid . Sitting on top , was an envelope , addressed to him on the front . Carefully , he set it to the side , and saw a cheap looking necklace . It was round and had a picture of a fairy on it , but it wasn 't a very good picture . Absently , Danny set the necklace to the side , and noticed money underneath . His jaw dropped noticing that there were twenties , tens , and even one fifty that he noticed . It must be a couple hundred dollars . Not the great treasure he had imagined , but more money than he 'd ever had in his life . Ignoring the temptation to count the money , Danny opened up the envelope , and unfolded the letter inside . The writing wasn 't extremely clear , but was obviously Uncle Benny 's . Dear Dannyboy . You 've always been a good kid , so I decided to leave my greatest treasure to you . Its the medallion in the box . I know it doesn 't look like much , but trust me , there 's a lot too it . You probably won 't believe me , but it 's magic . If you put it on , then touch someone else 's clothes to it , you 'll change into a copy of that person . To change back , you just touch your own clothes to it . The catch is , that you have to wait 12 hours after using it , before it will work again . So , when you use it , plan ahead . I know you won 't believe me , so check it out for yourself . And whatever you do , don 't tell anyone about it . I won 't say where I found it , but finding it was a stroke of luck . It was pure accident that I found out what it could do . I 've played with it for awhile , but finally decided what I really wanted with it . I changed myself into someone else , and plan to stay this way permanently . I 'm not dead , just not myself anymore . Don 't expect to see me , since I 'm moving to LA as soon as I 'm done writing this . Have fun with it , but remember to be careful , and take care . Love , Uncle Benny . Danny put the letter down . Uncle Benny must have been crazier than they thought , Danny realized . Thinking that this thing was magic ? Danny looked down skeptically at the suspected article . Picking it up , he ran his hands over it , feeling the slightly rough surface . Putting it down , Danny was about to start counting the money , but the letter wouldn 't leave his mind . He didn 't believe a word of it , but he felt that he at least owed Uncle Benny the chance to prove it . After arguing with himself for several minutes , Danny reluctantly decided to at least try it . He was sure that it wouldn 't work , but he owed it to Uncle Benny to at least try . Making sure that his parents weren 't watching , Danny went into his brother Mark 's room . Mark was 18 and had left for the Army a couple months ago . Danny thought that Mark would be a good choice , since he left all his stuff here , including all his clothes . Feeling slightly guilty , Danny grabbed one of his brothers T shirts from the dresser , and held it up . Much bigger than the ones he wore . Going back to his own room , he slipped the medallion over his head . He felt foolish as he lifted his brothers shirt to the medallion , but was slightly startled as he felt a slight tingle when the shirt touched the medallion . Danny chuckled at himself for letting his imagination get to him . Tossing Marks shirt onto his bed , then pulling the medallion off , Danny put it back into the box , glad that he 'd gotten that over with . Now to count the money . As Danny started separating the bills , he scratched at himself , feeling as if his shirt were getting too tight . He shrugged it off , thinking he was just outgrowing another shirt . After several more minutes , his pants started feeling very tight , and uncomfortable . Danny got up to change his clothes , a little worried , but when he realized just how tight his shirt had gotten on him , his mouth dropped open . Quickly , he pulled his shirt and pants off , and noticed that his legs looked larger than before . He felt odd , and began to realize that Uncle Benny may not have been crazy after all . He stared in amazement at his reflection in the mirror , seeing that he was at least two inches taller , and definitely more muscular . Danny couldn 't take his eyes off of his reflection , as it slowly kept changing , looking more and more like Mark . Finally the changes seemed to stop , and Mark looked back from the mirror . Danny was amazed . He flexed one of his biceps , loving the way it bulged up . His certainly wouldn 't do that . He flexed again , delighted in all the muscles he had . Mark had always spent a lot of time working out , and Danny was loving the results . Curiously , Danny pulled off his underwear . They were way to tight on him anyway . He felt embarrassed to look at his brothers genitals , and almost laughed . Mark had always bragged , saying he was long and thick , but Dennis saw that Mark was perhaps a little smaller than he was down there . Maybe it was just the larger body , he wondered though , making it seem smaller ? It didn 't really matter . Suddenly Danny remembered that dinner was in an hour , and the note said that this couldn 't be change for 12 hours . No way would he be able to explain this to his Mom and Dad . Frightened , Danny tried the medallion again , wanting to make sure . He was disappointed , but not surprised when nothing happened . Danny forced himself to calm down , trying to think of what he could do . He couldn 't let them see him like this , at least without telling them about the medallion . Mark was supposed to be a long ways away , so it wouldn 't do for him to be seen here . First , Danny decided , he needed to get dressed . He threw Marks shirt on , then wrapped a towel around his waist . Carefully , he peaked out of his door , making sure no one was around , then hurried back into Mark 's room . Getting dressed , he looked at some of Marks weights on the floor , and couldn 't resist trying them . Lifting one was rather easy for him , and he knew that he 'd never be able to lift that in his own body . He loved being this strong . He felt so pumped up . Then getting worried that he might be heard , he stopped , and eyed the window . A minute later , he was out the window , and heading uptown . Danny knew he 'd get in trouble when he got back , but it wouldn 't be as bad as if he got seen like this . Walking , he kept noticing that women kept giving him the look . All sorts of girls that he knew he 'd never have a chance with were staring at him , and Danny loved it . Most of them were a few years older than him , but that only made them more interesting to him . " Hey Mark " , Danny turned around , seeing a very pretty brunette , that he recognized as one of Mark 's old girlfriends , " I didn 't think you were still in town " She said , obviously pleased . Danny stuttered for a second , then told her that he was back on leave , but leaving the next day . He hoped that would stall any more questions . She didn 't seem interested though , and jumped up , giving Danny a deep kiss . Surprised , he just enjoyed it for a few seconds , then responded . He wasn 't sure exactly how it happened , but the girl , who was named Sara , Danny remembered , led him to her apartment . Before he realized it , Danny had his pants around his ankles as Sara had his penis in her mouth . Danny moaned , amazed at how good it felt . Quickly afterwards , he found himself looking at her naked breasts . He couldn 't believe he was doing this , and then started to enter her . It felt tight and warm , and clenched his penis tightly . He orgasmed , then lay down next to her , feeling very tired . Danny woke up , realizing that he was still sleeping next to Sara . He felt embarrassed about what he 'd done the night before , but excited as well . It hadn 't been quite as good as he 'd heard it was supposed to be , but it still felt very good . Looking down at Sara sleeping , Danny felt himself begin to get hard again . Not wanting to wake her , he quietly got dressed and slipped out , noticing the clock . 12 hours had passed . He realized he had to get home and change back immediately . It was still dark out , but Danny hurried home . Fortunately for him , his house wasn 't too far away so he got back very quickly . He was quiet as he crawled back into the window , but almost slipped out . He barely caught himself from making a racket as he got in , and into his own room . He desperately prayed that his Mom and Dad wouldn 't hear him . He stripped out of Marks clothes , then put the medallion back around his neck , and touched his own shirt to it . He felt relieved as he started to slowly shrink back down to his own shape . Hiding Marks clothes under his bed , and the medallion in his closet , he crawled into bed , pulling the covers over his head , feeling his body still changing . Danny wasn 't surprised to find himself grounded for a week after his parents found him back , but they took it a bit easy on him , thinking that Uncle Benny 's death had just hit him hard , and that the reading of the will had just shook him . They grounded him mostly for the principal of it . Danny was relieved that they 'd taken it so easy on him , but still nervous . He didn 't touch the medallion again for almost a week , being scared of getting caught . Finally the next weekend , his Mom and Dad were going out to dinner and dancing , leaving him home alone . Danny smiled at that , knowing that they 'd get back very late . He 'd have enough time to explore the medallion again . After they 'd left , he once again changed into Mark , though didn 't leave the house this time . He spent a while lifting weights , and enjoying the feel of the muscles . Danny seriously began to consider lifting weights himself . Finally he turned out the lights and went to bed , not wanting his parents to see him when they got back . He went to bed as Mark , knowing that they couldn 't get into his room with the door locked . As soon as he got up , he used the medallion to change back to himself . Impatiently Danny waited for another chance to use the medallion . Unfortunately , his parents were home every night for two weeks , giving him little opportunity . They ended up deciding to have a weekend getaway , using the money that Uncle Benny had left them . They said goodbye to Danny , trusting him to take care of himself for a couple days as they left . The minute their car had pulled out of the driveway , Danny ran into his bedroom for the medallion . He walked back to the living room , and sat down on the couch , holding the medallion in one hand , and the piece of clothing in the other . He looked from one to the other , then slipped the medallion around his neck . He stared at the piece of cloth in his hands for another minute , then slowly raised it , touching it to the medallion . Danny waited to start noticing the changes that he knew were already happening . After several minutes , he felt a bit lighter , and smaller , and he held his hands to his chest , touching the slight swellings beginning to develop under his shirt . He felt embarrassed about it , but his curiosity had led him to his decision . As a teenage boy , he 'd been very curious about sex . Sleeping with Sara hadn 't gotten rid of all that curiosity . He wondered what it would be like to be a girl . What it would be like to have breasts . Finally he had decided to find out . He just had to . He 'd looked in Mark 's room , knowing that Mark had a bikini top from some woman that he kept hidden . Mark had showed it off to him a couple times , saying that the stripper he got it off of was a knockout . Danny had decided , if he was going to become a girl , he might as well become a gorgeous one . Walking over to the mirror , he smiled , noticing that his hair had already become much lighter , and several inches longer . He held his hands up , smiling as he saw the fingernails had grown a little . Looking down , he was sure that the two protrusions from his chest were pushing out a little more . Danny sat down on the couch , putting his hands to his small breasts , feeling them actually get larger in his hands . After a few minutes of this , he slipped one hand down his pants , finding that his genitals were still there , which both relieved and disappointed him at the same time . He wasn 't sure , but thought that they might be a bit smaller though . Going back in front of the mirror , Danny noticed that he was definitely looking a bit more feminine , and could easily be taken for a teenage girl . He smiled , and found it funny that his teeth had even changed a little without him noticing it . His smile definitely looked different . Danny 's pants were beginning to get uncomfortable . Tight around his hips , but a little looser in others . He pulled the pants off , noticing the weight from his chest as he bent over . He slipped on a pair of boxer shorts , knowing that they 'd give him room to change a bit . He looked down , admiring his legs . They had gone hairless while still in the pants , and now seemed longer and more shapely . He felt his T - shirt getting tight , smiling down as his growing breasts pushed it closer and closer to its limits . He giggled , seeing the nipples pushing out through the cloth . Despite the tightness across his chest , getting worse , he didn 't take his shirt off , wanting to see if he could make it burst open as he grew . It grew more uncomfortable , but he waited , finally he felt a sudden release in pressure as a tearing sound signaled the top of the shirt tearing down . Danny tore the shirt off , staring at his breasts . He was amazed . They were the size of cantaloupes , and seemed to still be growing a little . Danny shook his head wildly , the hair whipping back and forth . He saw out of the corner of his eye that it had turned all the way blonde . Laughing , Danny noticed how thin his waist had become . Posing in front of the mirror again , he saw that his eyes had changed , turning from their normal brownish color , to a greyish blue . Smiling , he didn 't even recognize the smile . He opened his mouth , seeing that all his teeth had changed . Now they were straight and even . Very odd , he thought . He looked again at his fingernails , now longer and well shaped . He felt a slight pang of disappointment , noticing that they weren 't painted . Finally the changes seemed to have stopped . Danny stared in amazement at the gorgeous woman reflected back at him . She looked about 23 years old . Holding his breasts in his hands , " What knockers " he muttered to himself , getting a kick out of the soft feminine voice coming out of his throat . They felt kind of funny hanging from his chest like that , making him feel like he was going to fall forwards . His whole balance felt very off . He tried running to his parents room , to see if his Mom had something he could wear , but found his breasts bouncing all around . They were very distracting . He looked through his Moms clothes , but found that she didn 't have anything that would fit him . His breasts were larger than hers , and her waist thinner . Danny felt disappointed , not having thought this through . He hadn 't expected to be as big or amazing as he was . He realized that the only thing his Mom had that would fit him , was probably her robe . He was about to put it on , then looked down , noticing for the first time that his nipples were not only larger , but that brown area around them was real large as well . Curious , he remembered that there was one thing , that he hadn 't looked at . In a rush , he pulled his boxer shorts off , and rubbed his hand through his groin area , amazed at how flat it seemed . It felt so empty . He squeezed his legs together tightly , not feeling the ever - present appendage their anymore . He saw that his groin area was blonde as well , and laughed . Sitting down on his parents bed , he rubbed , feeling a slit there . He rubbed the outer folds around it , starting to get aroused . His nipples started to get hard , feeling sort of like his penis when he had an erection . Pinching one of his nipples , he couldn 't help but groan with pleasure . Without quite realizing it , he found himself rubbing one both of his breasts . They felt so soft in his hands , but at the same time , sort of firm . They felt so good . He moved one of his hands down to his groin again , and started rubbing there . He felt his groin start to get moist in his hands , and pulled one of his fingers to his nose , sniffing . It smelled kind of nice . He started rubbing again , with his groin getting tense , feeling a sort of pressure . One finger slipped inside without meaning it to , and he felt a warm moistness within . He could feel his finger inside his body , and was amazed . Moving his finger around , the pressure continued to build , then finally released in a massive orgasm . He felt himself spasm in waves of pleasure , coming from around his groin and his breasts , running throughout his whole body . He felt so good , he kept at it , having the pressure build again , then release in another orgasm . He moaned and moaned , and even screamed . Finally he stopped , and just lay back on his parents bed , feeling so warm and good . He felt so pleasant , all over his whole body . Breathing hard , he felt his heart beating wildly , and kept one hand on his chest , feeling the rise and fall of his new breasts . He stayed like that for awhile , then finally sat up , and felt embarrassed to have masturbated on his parents bed . He saw a wet spot on the bed , and his thighs felt so gooey . Wiping the sweat from his forehead , he decided to take a shower . First though , he went for some toilet paper , and wiped the goo off of his thighs , then started wiping the spot on the bed . He decided that after it dried the rest of the way , it probably wouldn 't be noticeable , so he left it , and went into the shower . Danny started off reaching for the shower knob , but then changed his mind , deciding to take a bath instead . His Mom always took bath 's , and when he 'd once asked her why , she just said it was a woman thing . When he had the water the right temperature , put the plug in , and poured in a generous amount of bubble bath . Waiting for it to fill , he looked at himself in the mirror again , noticing for the first time , that he had a small butterfly tattoo just under his belly button . He giggled , then looked down further , noticing a small rose one wrapped around his left ankle . Finally he slid into the bathwater , gasping as he went in . It felt so good , and so relaxing . He leaned back , sliding in further so that his breasts bobbed in the water . He soaked for awhile , then remembered to start washing . He slowly rubbed the soapy rag over his shoulder , then down over his breasts , finding it sort of erotic . Taking his time , he fully intended to enjoy the experience . He found washing his hair was rather annoying though , taking a large amount of shampoo . Finally though he was finished , and stepped out of the tub , drying himself off . Slipping his Moms robe one , he tightened it at the waist and was impressed at the shape and cleavage still extremely notice . Sitting down , he started brushing his hair , trying to get the tangles out of it . He found the slow steady strokes of the brush felt kind of comforting , and relaxing . The image staring back from the mirror was extremely exciting , and Danny started to wish that he were able to sleep with this woman , instead of just looking like her . He briefly considered the idea of changing someone , but only half heartedly . Danny suddenly noticed , that his ears were pierced , and put his fingers up to the small holes he saw in the mirror , surprised that they didn 't hurt . He had always believed that pierced ears had to hurt , at least a little . A small grin spread over his face . He just had to see what ear rings would be like , and jumped up , running to his Moms jewelry box . He found a pair that were fairly nice , and dangled a bit , deciding to use those ones . He looked into the mirror while he carefully put the needle through the hole , nervous that he might poke himself . Biting his lip , he carefully put the stud on . Then he did the other one . They definitely looked nice . That woman in the mirror was definitely HOT . Since his nails didn 't already have nail polish on them , he decided to fix that . He found the darkest shade of red his Mom had , slightly disappointed that it wasn 't darker . Carefully he started to put it on his nails , but made a little bit of a mess at first . Annoyed , he found the polish remover and cleaned them off , to try again . After his second try , they weren 't perfect , but they satisfied him . Holding his hands in front of him , fingers open , he admired the shiny red coating . Definitely sexy . Danny blew a kiss at himself in the mirror , then thought how odd it looked , with his nails done up , but with no lipstick , so of course , he went for that next . Again he was disappointed that there wasn 't anything darker and shinier in his Moms makeup , but he made due with what he had . He went slow and careful , and was satisfied with the results . Briefly he put on a little blush and mascara , finding it odd that his hands almost seemed to know how to put the stuff on . He thought he 'd done a good job since it was his first time . When he was finished , he walked around the house , trying to think of what he could do next . The one thing that really annoyed him was that he didn 't have any clothes he could wear , so was stuck in the house . Briefly he wondered if he should change into his Mom after the time limit wore off , then go shopping for clothes he could wear in this form , then change back again later . Definitely not a good idea though , he decided , since it would take up the entire weekend time he had to explore . Maybe he could find some clothes for the next time he changed into this girl . He wasn 't sure yet if he was going to , but the idea was seeming more and more interesting . He wanted to at least find out what it was like to walk around in high heels and go out in public . He couldn 't do that yet , but maybe later . Danny spent some time , just posing in front of the mirror , then got an idea . He started digging through the closet , then found what he was looking for . He went back to his own room , then sat down on his bed , opening the robe . He practiced a few poses , then decided he was ready . He set the camera on his dresser , aimed at his bed , making sure that the timer was set , then he jumped back to the bed , making sure he was in the first pose he 'd chosen . He took 10 more pictures of himself in various poses before the film ran out . Smiling , he pulled the film out , hiding it for later development . He certainly didn 't want to have to explain those pictures to his parents . But they 'd make great fun showing a couple of his friends . He 'd really convince them that he 'd had this gorgeous girl in his room , posing nude for him . He chuckled at the idea , thinking how impressed they 'd be . Danny was finally beginning to get hungry , and called for a pizza , knowing that he couldn 't go out . Fortunately his parents had left him some money for the weekend , so he wouldn 't have to tap into the money Uncle Benny had given him . Impatiently he waited for the pizza to get there , then almost whooped for joy when he heard the doorbell ring . He raced to the door , then stopped , suddenly embarrassed . He didn 't want to get seen like this , and was just about to open the door and slip the money through the crack , telling them to leave the pizza by the door , when he suddenly changed his mind . Feeling a little mischievous , he opened the door wide on a whim , letting the startled pizza delivery boy get a look at his gorgeous body , wrapped only in a robe . Danny tried to hold back a giggle as the guys jaw dropped . Calmly , Danny handed the money to the boy , who Danny realized was a year or two older than himself . He smiled , realizing that the boys eyes were staring directly at his chest . Danny felt himself get a little embarrassed , his cheeks blushing . Quietly he took the pizza , thanking the delivery boy , then shut the door relieved . What a rush . He ran to the couch , giggling , feeling his boobs bouncing around . That was so cool . It had been hilarious seeing the look on that guys face . Sitting down , he put the box on the coffee table , and opened it up . " Ahhh " he said , inhaling deeply . He pushed his hair back since some of it was beginning to fall into the pizza . That was beginning to get a little annoying . All that hair flying everywhere . The rumbling in his stomach took his mind back off the hair as he started eating . After several slices , Danny belched , feeling full . He looked down at the pizza feeling a little disappointed . He could usually eat twice that many pieces , but he was already full . At least there was more for later , he decided . Danny sat back for awhile watching TV , feeling rather full and content . Then he felt a pressure in his bladder , and hurried to the bathroom . He felt kind of stupid sitting down to go pee , but felt relieved as it sprayed out . He looked down , seeing that he had gotten himself wet a little . " Yuck " He grabbed a wad of toilet paper and carefully tried himself off . Looking in the mirror again , Danny laughed , seeing that his lipstick was smeared and really messed up . Apparently , eating pizza wasn 't the best thing to do while wearing lipstick . Patiently , he wiped it all off , and the rest of the makeup as well , deciding that he didn 't need it anymore . He 'd already had his fun with it . Danny stayed up late , watching movies , especially the ones he wasn 't supposed to . The ones hidden under his parents bed . He giggled , thinking that he looked better than some of the women in those movies , but knew for a fact that he 'd never be able to do what they were . Finally his tiredness got to him , as he nearly fell asleep on the couch . Pulling himself up , he slowly made sure the lights were all off and the doors locked , then went to bed , finding it rather odd and uncomfortable to try getting to sleep with the large mounds on his chest . After a short while , he drifted off . Waking up the next morning , Danny jumped out of bed , put the robe on again , and went to make himself breakfast . He poured himself a bowl of cereal and was about to pour the milk on it , when he had second thoughts . Looking down at the prominent bulges on his front , he realized he was currently an adult . Smiling , he turned the coffee pot on waiting for it to brew . He 'd never tried coffee before , but both of his parents drank it every morning , so he was sure that it was the grown up thing to do . Carefully he poured himself a cup , then sniffed it . It didn 't smell that impressive . Slowly he took a sip , and winced . " That 's nasty " he said , finding the brown liquid rather bitter and strong tasting . Regardless , he took another sip , not finding it improving any . He stubbornly kept at it , drinking over half the cup before he finally put it down . " It must be an acquired taste " he told himself . Flipping through the TV , he found some girls exercising , and decided to try it for a few minutes . Pulling off his robe , he felt embarrassed to be doing it naked , so put on a pair of boxer shorts again . He looked at his breasts and wondered what to do with them , then remembered the bikini top . Putting that on , he found it looked nice , if rather odd with the boxers , but didn 't do much to support his breasts or keep them from bouncing . Better than nothing though . As he started , Danny was a little surprised to find just how flexible his body was . He was amazed as he did the splits and found himself bending over effortlessly . He stretched and did aerobics for almost twenty minutes before the show ended , and was breathing a bit harder when he was done . He wiped the sweat off his forehead , laughing . He felt so good being so flexible . Different , and rather odd , but somehow , good as well . Danny took a shower this time instead of a bath , not wanting to spend that much time in the tub . He had meant to hurry , but got distracted by his bulging breasts again , and got aroused . He soon found that he was rubbing his breasts and fingering himself , then caught himself , forcing himself to stop . It wasn 't hard for him to deny the temptation and finish washing up , but he managed . Once again Danny put on makeup , finding it even easier this time . He blew a kiss at his reflection in the mirror as he left the bathroom . Danny wandered around the house , trying to find something to do , but started to get bored . Finally he settled for throwing one of the porno movies into the VCR , and sat on the couch rubbing his breasts . He felt very aroused , and fingered himself to orgasm several times , each more pleasurable than the last . Briefly , he wondered what sex with a man would feel like , then blocked the idea out as soon as he realized it was there , feeling extremely embarrassed . " NO WAY " He told himself , not quite sure what he was feeling . Going back to his parents room , Danny started to explore a little . He knew he wasn 't supposed to be in there , but didn 't really care , knowing that his parents wouldn 't know as long as he cleaned up . He wasn 't sure what he was looking for , but kept looking . He wondered if his Mom had a vibrator , and kept an eye out to see if he could find one . He was slightly disappointed when he saw no sign of anything like that . Briefly he wished his parents hadn 't both quit smoking a year earlier , wanting to try that , knowing how sexy it could look to see a beautiful woman smoking . He kept an eye out though , thinking that one of them might have a pack hidden , but was again disappointed . Finally he gave up . " Man , I never knew how boring my parents were " he muttered to himself as he left . " The only interesting things were a couple porno 's " Danny kept walking around the house feeling bored , trying to decide whether to try the medallion again . He didn 't want to turn himself back to normal just yet , so considered becoming his Mom or Dad and going out . However , he didn 't quite want to give up this form just yet , so stayed around the house , exploring his body a little more . For dinner , he decided to cook something himself , using what he found around the house . He figured that this would take up a bit of time , and might be interesting , but when he 'd finished , he found that the food wasn 't quite as good as he 'd hoped . Sighing , he tossed it away , and had leftover pizza for dinner again , once again wishing that he had clothes so could go out . Next time , he told himself . Waking up again , Danny started to take his time , then glanced at the clock . Suddenly his heart beat jumped . " Shit " he muttered , realizing that it was later than he 'd thought . He became worried that his parents would be getting home soon , and might see him like this . He could just imagine it . Mom and Dad walking through the door , and seeing him like this . " I know you had a son when you left , but I can explain this . Really " he could just picture himself saying . Yeah , right . He cringed at the thought . " Time to change back " he told himself reluctantly , and reached for the medallion . Several minutes later he was already starting to change back , looking regretfully at his shrinking bosom . He waited patiently as he changed , wanting to savor the last little bit of being a woman that he could . After he was himself again , he reluctantly got dressed and made sure everything was cleaned up and neat before his parents got back . Just in time too he thought as they pulled into the driveway shortly after he 'd finished . Danny hid the medallion in a box of old clothes in his closet , already making plans to get hold of the clothes he 'd need for the next time . He 'd decided that he was definitely going to change back into that woman again . There was so much more to explore , and more fun to have . he smiled at the thought . Several days later , Danny got back home from a friends house , plans running through his mind , ideas racing about what he could do with the medallion . The idea of it left him feeling so alive . Walking into his room , Danny was going to pull out the medallion and look at it again , wanting to feel the possibilities in his own hands . Then he stopped short , staring in shock at his closet . The box of clothes were gone . Frantically , Danny got on his knees digging around the closet for a sign of the medallion , then he ran into the living room . " Mom " , Danny asked nervously , " Where 's that box in my closet " Danny was stunned . He couldn 't speak , and could barely breathe . It was impossible . She gave away the clothes without telling him , and the medallion with them . Forcing himself to sound calm , Danny asked where the good will was , telling his Mom that he had a favorite T Shirt in there that he wanted to keep . She looked at him oddly , but told him . He hurried as quickly as he could to the Good Will , and even found some of the clothes that he recognized there . But there was no sign of the medallion . After extensive and frantic searching , Danny was forced to admit that it was gone . Probably forever . That hit him like a crushing blow , smashing through all the dreams , ideas and plans he 'd had , leaving him nothing but rubble in their place . Finally Danny tried to get a grip on himself , and slowly started on his way home , knowing that at least , he had a much better knowledge of women then most men . Not that it was much comfort to him at the moment . The End |
I was sick for a month , had a constant headache for a week , nothing major though . I 've been working full time and on the weekends I usually spent time with my girlfriend . I do have a bit of time but usually I 've rested or been guilty of playing a game . Oh yes of course , because I built a computer , how cool is that ? I know everyone does it nowadays , but I didn 't have a great idea of how to , I had no idea what a motherboard was or how to install RAM . I did a lot of research on that too , about two weeks learning about components , safety , tools , reading reviews , picking and repacking the parts for my computer . It was a thrilling experience ; one of the worse parts was installing the CPU in the motherboard , which is like implanting a brain in a body , though the latter would probably be way more complicated . It was easy , it took me one minute to place it in its spot , but when I place down what held the processor , it made this sand dropping sound which was terrifying because the thing was worth 200 dollars , and without it , the computer would never boot . So I was in the dark for a couple of more hours not even knowing if my computer would actually boot . When done I was proud of what I 've done , and even though the cable management wasn 't so great because of the lack of space , it was fair . The case has four fans which keep it nice and cool . I did get a beast graphics card though , and games look amazing on it and play at the highest settings . I took a good look at Skyrim and that game looks beautiful , though I really haven 't played it much because I 'm burnt out on the RPG games . I had such a workout yesterday . Instead of my regular sleep - in late Saturday , I woke up and got ready to work again . But instead of dressing in a fancy suit , I dressed in old jeans , ripped working shoes and a regular long sleeve shirt . My father , brother , and I were ready by 8 a . m . and so we went to work with my cousin Diego . At 9 a . m . we started working . The roof was tall and slanted ; I knew I wouldn 't get up there . I 've never been fond of heights however when the roof is sort of plain I make the effort to help up there , but not this time . I didn 't feel so useless however , as the other four people who could do roof work got up there . At first my brother and I watched the guys climb up there like spider men , then as the trash went down the roof we watched that , we helped as we could bringing tools , materials , and drinks to the pros . After they got down with one side , the amount of trash was much that it covered the grass . We started picking it up , big pieces first and left everything else on sailcloth to pick it up later . For hours we did this , it was longer than I initially thought . After we were done with one side we went to the other , however we had to take trips to the trash dumpster this time . And with time the trips got tougher , our legs were giving out , I can feel the numbness of my legs now as it 's hard to walk , every time we go roofing though I can expect this . It 's a terrible feeling when you see someone fall from such a height , while my brother and I were on break , we sat on a bench and watched the guys work . Two of them were stepping on the same 2 × 4 wood that was holding them while they walked on the roof , and the thing gave up on them and broke . Incapable of holding anything they both fell down as we watched from a distance , impotent and useless , we seemed so slow when trying to run to see if they were okay . A few scratches and back pain it was , and they both were okay , but the scare was enough . It 's nothing like the movies , usually things like that are never like in the movies , more like in books though , when you read it on a book that you 're into you feel it more . First thing you hope is " I hope they are conscious " then you thinking " I hope they didn 't break anything " . Well apart from that we carried some shingles onto the lifting ladder that takes them to the roofing people , who then carries them on his shoulder through a ladder that is actually lying on the roof ( sounds crazy ) and places it across the roof for easier retrieval . We finished at 8 p . m . and our whole body ached , we had arm , leg , back , chest workout in every way . I bet if you get someone to do that every day and drink their protein shake at the end of the day they would bulk up in no time . It 's a story alright , that 's been on my head for quite some time , actually first story I 've ever thought of and story I have never written . I think it 's the beginning that gets me and I 've figured that if I could finally manage to decide on how things should start the rest will write itself . I can 't tell you how many times I started on it , get about 5 , 000 words and just scrap it all . I feel like I want to make it just too epic , is there such a thing . A story that has you hooked all the way . So I 've been busy alright . My part - time has been slowly but surely turning into a full - time . Also I 've done a couple more translation jobs along the way and leaving that out the way I also have gone out for a few days leaving little to no time to have some free time . I 've worked on the quest line for the game Robin is making , though I haven 't seen him in a while I 'm waiting on him for that . I was also offered to write news and articles for an online gaming site , but sadly I haven 't been able to attend any of the trainings because of my schedule . Last time I had some free time to do anything I tried playing this game called " Two Worlds II " which was okay but didn 't really get much into it , haven 't touched it since . Besides all that I 've spent some quality time with my girlfriend , and also the less I write the less the ideas come to my head and the worse my writing gets . But I 'm decided to change that today . First things first though . I have to get some Chapter Outlines done on my three stories and my other story , The Final Element . I figure this will help a hell of a lot in writing and getting creative in each chapter . However this means that I won 't write much until I 've outlined plenty of Chapters , also I will probably stop posting a story on my blog when I 'm like 5 - 10 chapters in depending on how long it is . For personal reasons you know , I mean someone can easily take your work online and make it their own , it 's possible and scary in a way . I almost took a writing job on a freelancing site , it dealt with ghost writing a thrill novel , chapters outlined and all , I submitted a proposal with some writing I 've done in one of my stories ( won 't say which ) and it was to their liking . Then I asked myself : Am I ready for this ? Well I wished I was ; I wanted to jump in and write it all . For a novel with almost 100 , 000 words , in - your - face style of writing . I would 've had to give up my job to write it , the job I just got . Of course it would pay more , a lot more , but I had to do well or I would 've been out and lost both ways . And after that who can say that I would 've gotten more jobs ? I decided I wasn 't ready yet , you just sort of know when you are , and until I 've written a couple for myself I don 't think I 'll be able to write one for someone else , actually I sort of really don 't want to , I want all the stories I write for me . Michael Grey exited the CVS pharmacy on June 1st , 2019 at 9 : 30a . m . Though summer was barely arriving the warm days had already made their appearance . At 75 degrees this morning , it was a day good enough for a nice short - sleeve shirt and some shorts . Yet Michael was wearing a jacket and jeans . He felt so cold , and found it strange for him to get sick on warm days . It was usually in the winter that he would have a runny nose , and get a cold once or twice at most . He was usually a healthy man , but had recently caught some bug from who knows where . He was feeling so bad today that he had to call in sick at his Lawyer firm . " I feel like shit , man . I 'm sorry . " He told his colleague , who by hearing Michael 's voice knew he wasn 't kidding . He sounded like a long time heavy smoker that was never wise enough to quit altogether . " It 's okay , go buy some medicine and rest , we 'll reschedule the appointments for next week . " He let him off and that 's exactly what Michael did . Except the Michael he knew would be no more in a couple of hours . Michael had a terrible headache ; he felt his head constantly pulsating as if his brain would be exploding any minute now . His nose wouldn 't stop running no matter how many times he cleared it . He felt weak , light headed , his eyes were sunken in . His hands and legs sometimes started shaking out of the nowhere . He got on his 2014 Mustang , and headed out to airport dr . He was feeling very hungry even though he was sick . I guess a nice breakfast wouldn 't hurt ; no cold or flu is going to stop my stomach . Once at Williamsburg Rd , he made a right to the Waffle House he was so accustomed too . He started coughing as he drove in . Then he started coughing as he parked . The coughing had been going on for a while , since this morning . He found this cold weird , he had no previous symptoms and he doesn 't remember having had contact with anyone that had it . He was a very clean person , always washed his hands and even usually held the door knob with a paper towel to cover his hands . He sneezed and coughed again . He turned the car off and looked at himself in the mirror while clearing his nose with a tissue , he looked like shit . " Damn if I could recall all the colds in my life , this is the fucking worst of them all . " He said in his car . He got out and closed the door , and then with his control remote key , he locked and set the alarm on . He opened the door to the Waffle House and went inside . " Morning Mikie , how are you doing today ? " One of the servers asked , a thin lady in her 50 's . In this restaurant , Michael was a usual customer who would usually joke around with the workers and brighten up their mornings . " As you can see , terrible . I 'm hoping some food will cheer me up . " He replied and started coughing again . Even talking was now too hard for him . He stood behind some of the stools , looking down at the menus . The letters seemed to move around . He started to misunderstand words and the images started to make no sense . " Well , sit down ; I will get you your drink , Pepsi right ? " The lady asked to confirm Michael 's usual drink . Michael still stood behind the cash register blocking the way for other people . He looked at the menu , filling dizzy , realizing this was a bad idea , he was losing his mind , he needed a doctor but wondered if he should say anything . " Yes " he said . Still standing , blocking the way for the other customers that were coming in , they were also wondering what was wrong with him , annoyed that this man was blocking their way . Michael finally managed to get some sense and moved to a table . He sat down and ordered his favorite meal ; an egg and sausage Texas melt with large hash browns . After ordering he took a napkin and cleared his nose again . This time he found blood on the napkin . He got up and walked towards the bathroom . A few minutes later , the server lady , Mrs . Ruth , put Michael 's meal on the table . Mikie she had always called him since he was a little kid . She had known Michael for most of his life . She met him on his birthday party when she was invited to a friend 's friend birthday party to talk about a job . Mrs . Ruth had high expectations of herself back then , planning on becoming a nurse for one of the top hospitals in the region . She became great friends with Michael 's mother , often going out with them to restaurants and shopping . After years she wasn 't able to fulfill her dreams , her husband died and her will started diminishing . She got a job at the current waffle house and had been working in it for the last 8 years , often taking Michael 's order and chatting with him about his job and how his mother was doing . Today would be different though . Michael took a good look at himself , stood there alone in the bathroom in front of the mirror , " What am I ? " he asked himself , in a distorted , barely understandable voice . He stood there looking at the strange figure in the mirror . He looked pale ; his eyes were sunk in his eye pockets , with dark circles under his eyes . His nose was running , his mouth was drooling , but he did not care about this anymore . Michael sneezed and coughed a few times in the bathroom . Then there was a sudden urge to go back to his table . He finally went out the door back to his table , hungrier than ever . He sat at his table and stared at his food . Ignoring forks and knives , he started eating like a starving man , with his hands . He ate fast and swallowed a bunch of food at a time , he would start to choke and cough the food out at times . People started to notice this and looked at him in disgust , some even left . Michael ignored this and ate and ate , suddenly he stopped . He realized this was repugnant food , it made him feel sick . This wasn 't the type of food he should be eating , the thought made his stomach turn upside down and he started vomiting over his food . He started making growling noises , like a dog does when its meal is disturbed . He looked up , his eyes were red , he made quick precise movements with his head , looking up , left , right , around the restaurant with his new vision . His vision was different , he saw everything in a red shade , and people for some reason looked very appetizing . This was the food he really wanted , the food that would satisfy his craving , especially that old lady that he once played toys with , held hands with , smiled with . Michael stood up and then jumped on the table , his head making quick movements , his nose and mouth running with blood , his eyes red , his veins popping . He made a loud shriek that scared some people out of the restaurant , other stood in awe . It was something you would only see in horror movies . He started running and jumped from the table over the counter aiming for Mrs . Ruth , who scared to her soon death put her hands in front of her for protection , but that wouldn 't be any help . Michael grabbed her below her arms and carried her forward about 10 feet before hitting her against the counter . Both fell to the ground and Michael fell on top of her , he started biting off her neck , her arms , and her breasts . This happened so fast that the other workers had little chance to react ; finally when one reacted he tried to help her . A tall male cook grabbed a big cutting knife and started running towards Michael , stabbing the knife in the back . Michael felt the sharp pain and started shrieking again , he looked back and smacked the cook with great force , the cook fell back and hit a stove . He moved his arms back trying to reach the knife stuck to his back , but it was in such a way he couldn 't reach it . People ran out of the place , the ambulance finally got to the scene and luckily also a few cops . Meanwhile inside Michael was still in pain , the cook was getting back up after that hit , and Mrs . Ruth was on the ground convulsing and bleeding to death . Michael noticed the cook and went right after him , the cook got up , stepped his foot forward and tripped Michael into the stove , he was knocked out . The cook got up , breathing fast trying to catch some breath . " You crazy son of a bitch , I 'm going to kill you now ! " He yelled . He grabbed another knife from the counter , held it up and started stabbing Michael who couldn 't do much the way he was being held . Mrs . Ruth stood behind the cook , twitching , bleeding , drooling , just as Michael did before . " Oh My God … " one of the scared customers said from behind . Mrs . Ruth led a loud shriek and jumped on the cook , holding onto his shoulders with her arms and started biting his neck ; this peaceful Waffle House had turned into a deadly nightmare . " What the hell 's going on here ? " A cop said as he opened the door and went in the Waffle House . Mrs . Ruth noticed him and let go off the cook , she let another loud cry and went for the cop this time . " Shoot her ! " someone told the cop . The cop reached for the gun , scared , shaking . This was taking him by surprise and Mrs . Ruth 's speed was a little too much for him . She jumped on him and started punching him in the face and biting it . A month or so ago I applied to a freelance site called http : / / www . elance . com I had been out of school for about half a year and out of work for even longer . After applying and failing to get any jobs for the past 6 months I couldn 't take it any longer and decided to look for " something " online . My girlfriend suggested http : / / www . snagajob . com , which seemed good at the time , until no one ever called me back . I filled out every single position I could : Manager , Assistant Manager , Cashier , Server , Dishwasher , Cook , Bathroom Cleaner and when I never got hired in one of these jobs , I realized that the lack of jobs in this country really is bad . So I looked online , and call it greedy but this blog is also one of the works in progress . Don 't get me wrong I love writing , but I also want to make a living out of it . My dad has always told me throughout my life " Whatever you do chino ( I 'll tell you the story of my nickname another time ) , do what you like . There 's nothing worse than a man going to work and do something he doesn 't love . If you do what you love , you 'll be successful " . It was until lately that I had really started to do what I like , because I wasn 't quite sure of what it was . It 's not unexcused though , I frankly had no time to write . Last Wednesday I started my work at the bank , and Monday I went back to work . When I first started this blog I was out of a job . I started strong , with so many words . The everyday practice of journals and stories were keeping me together in writing , and then I also got my first freelancer job . For those of you who don 't know how some of these freelancing websites work I 'll tell you . A client posts a job they need done . A contractor " bids " on the job and submits his proposal , completion time , and price . But wait , it 's not just one contractor … IT ' S MANY . Any freelancer will tell you the mean competition there 's for online jobs nowadays just like regular jobs . So I offer my services as a translator , I speak Spanish perfectly and can write it well . I thought it was the best chance . However it 's not a guaranteed job , English - Spanish - English translations are one of the most bids jobs on freelancing websites . There 's literally people , refreshing the page waiting for a translating job to be posted , after a while you know who are going to be your main competition . Signing on this site wasn 't easy though . Its not like I signed up and applied right away , no sir . There was a procedure to go through , I had to edit my profile , create sample work , confirm my telephone number , add where my funds would go , take a test understanding the terms of agreements in the jobs , i had to take a translating test ! And on top of that I didn 't have the job guaranteed , it really was a long process . So after a month of bidding for jobs I finally got one , my first online job as a freelance translator . $ 80 . 00 for a simple job that would take a day or so . It 's not so bad , to do it from the comfort of your home , taking breaks when you want , working on Microsoft Word . It 's as close to writing to get paid as it gets . The problem was , The job was due on Thursday , and I only had Monday - Tuesday - Wednesday to do it . Any other day this would 've been fine , but I had just got my job . So I had to work from 7 - 4p . m . get home at 5p . m . then work for about 4 hours on my translating job . I ended sleeping at 12 a . m . and getting up at 6a . m . to get ready for the bank again . This was really affecting my health . Lack of sleep , headaches , the turnaround was a little too brisk for me . I went from not working for months to working nonstop for days … No good . AND on top of that I got a cold on Tuesday morning . I felt like lightheaded , cold , with a runny nose which wouldn 't stop running . And I still had to get home and work , there was no break . During this time many things happened , ideas for stories came , from real life too . Things like a drunk man on drugs yelling outside in the neighborhood at 12 . a . m . saying how he was going to kill himself and reciting the Declaration of independence word for word . The cold also gave me awesome new ideas for my Zombie story , which I 'm editing , which is a mess at the moment but I 'll get around to it . I also got to hear how surgeons talk , what a hospital cafeteria is like , I imagined the hospital empty and I sitting by myself and I got another idea … However back to the freelancing job . Thursday morning came , when my client sent their review and loved my job and I got my $ 80 . 00 , oh man did that feel good . I felt like doing it all over again . I guess the lesson is after trying hard enough things will come to you . And sometimes they will come out altogether at you , and this tests you if you can take the pressure or if you 're going to break out and fail . But you don 't want to fail , you want to succeed and you do everything in your hands , give away your sanity , your sleep , your time in order to do so … Sometimes it 's the only way . Anyways I wrote this because I feel to let out of somethings , to let my writing flow because I need my practice back , to be able to move on with my stories and quests and jobs . I shall get back to this blog good this weekend , of course unless I get another job , which I hope I will , because I 'm really into the whole freelancing too . So many things it 's very exciting , the only thing that 's not so much is this cold , I can 't wait for that one to go away . Grasshoppers have six legs , the front four are used for slow regular walking , like we do . The two in the very back are called hind legs , much bigger than the other four , they are used for those big jumps you often see grasshoppers do . When Nicole found Jene , she was missing her right hind leg , and her left was broken . She was helpless and would probably not survive the next 24 hours as she was . She was mainly subject to being prey for other animals , secondly she would probably be stepped on and the person would not even notice , just like she probably was before she lost her hind legs . It was a regular school day in the spring . Nicole was in her 3rd grade and was outside in the playground for her recess . The kids were playing hide and seek . Nicole was very good at hiding , behind a tree she would hide and looked to see if she was being looked for . She turned around and giggled , the kid kept looking for her but could not figure out where she was . She looked around and stared at the grass for a minute and saw a strange insect . A young grasshopper , its wings still not grown , was missing a hind leg , and the other was broken . " Awww " she expressed sadly feeling pity for the poor insect . She grabbed it and held it in her palm , the grasshopper barely moved around , probably wondering where he had suddenly gone to . " Poor thing , I can 't leave you here or you will probably die , I 'll take care of you " she said as she carefully put it in her pocket . Nicole came out from behind the tree and the kid said " I found you ! " For the next three hours the grasshopper was in the pocket . In this dark place it could only see darkness , moved a bit but wouldn 't get far . It would often feel something slowly coming into the darkness , carefully to feel if it was still there . It was during these moments , which were very regular that it would manage to see some light . It was finally until the final third hour that Nicole finally grabbed it and took it out . In the school bus , Nicole examined it a little longer . Its eyes seem sad , probably because of its misfortune she thought . " Don 't worry , I will help you . " She told it . The kids behind her seat looked over and started whispering . " Look ! Nic has a grasshopper ! " one yelled . " Oh can I see it ? " another said , " Let me see what it feels like " another one exclaimed and just like that , the whole school bus full of kids were all intrigued by the grasshopper . " What 's its name ? " One of the kids asked . When Nicole finally got to her house , she opened the door , which was usually left open for her and went straight to her room . She took out the Jene out of her pocket and put it on her bed . Nicole laid on the bed and watched Jene barely move . Nicole offered her finger as to play with her and Jene tried to climb the finger with its working legs , this made Nicole smile . " You know we can 't have pets in the apartment ? But what is it ? I don 't see it " her mom said . Nicole grabbed Jene and put her in her hands , then she closed her hands as if praying but left space for Jene . She then walked toward her mother and opened her hands to reveal Jene . " She 's Jene , she can 't jump ! " she exclaimed . " Okay , but keep it inside something , or you might lose it . " her mom told her . They found one of those long cans of chips , about the size of a ruler and Nicole would then put Jene in there and take her with her every time she went out . Jene would survive more than the 24 hours she would have lived at most . She survived days , and weeks , and maybe years . Nicole always took Jene to school with her , she didn 't want to leave it alone because her little brother might find it and let it out , to forever be lost . She kept the can in her backpack and took it with her at all times , she was very protective of Jene . Jene didn 't mind at all , it often was exploring the can it was in and was not always caged . Sometimes the can would be open for whatever reason and explored outside of the can . Often it would find a place similar to her home , with plenty of food that she would feed on . Often Jene met strange figures that looked like Nicole but much smaller , they moved though . Jene tried to touch them a couple of times but they felt a little weird so she would let go , a lot of the times the figures simply disappeared . Then she would be put back in the place where she usually was and be moved around pretty fast as if flying . Someday she would fly too Jene knew , she could feel it would be soon . Jene looked outside the can , at the concrete , the trees , the grass . Her can had been upgraded from a normal one , to a transparent one , so now she could see things through the plastic . It was because of this that one of the kids saw Jene in Nicole 's open backpack . " Look Mr . Susaki ! Nicole 's got a bug in her backpack ! " the kid yelled it out in the classroom . Mr . Susaki was her substitute teacher for this day , and he was interested in this as so were all the other kids . Nicole having no choice showed Jene to Mr . Susaki . Jene , who 's wings were almost fully grown was starting to learn how to fly around the can . It was her new hobby . Jene was excited about this , finally she could travel much faster than what she usually could . Back when Nicole found her she almost had given complete hope , but now , she knew that she could finally travel farther to places she couldn 't reach before . " I only got one word to say about this … " Mr . Susaki said , " Awesome " he said . He stopped inspecting Jene and gave her back to Nicole . Nicole then took it to her backpack again and put it in there . She stuck her tongue out at the kid celebrating her victory . The last day Nicole saw Jene was three weeks after she had found her . It was a morning before class . Nicole had woken up late and was in a rush to get her things so she could catch the bus . In the rush of things the bus came so she left with what she could , and later on the bus , she realized she had left Jene . All day , Nicole had been worried about Jene , she knew her little 5yr old brother Jack would go into her room and try to play with her . He always would go in her room and ask Nicole if she could , a few times she had but other times she told him no . " But it was closed , maybe its lost , she doesn 't have her legs , I promised I would take care of her . " Nicole cried , the loss of her first real pet was very upsetting for her . That night , Nicole was awake for a while , hoping that suddenly Jene would come back to her , the night was quiet , the moon was full . But nothing , no Jene , all there was , was a far away noise , a sound , a song maybe and with this she finally went to sleep . A few weeks later she got over Jene , she made up with the idea that she went back home with her parents maybe , or other grasshoppers . Jene stood on the tree branch at its usual time , around 9 : 00 p . m . She would fold her wing and lift her broken leg up and rubbed it against her wings as if playing the violin , this produced a grasshopper song , she would always play it for Nicole to help her go to sleep . Sometimes she would play something different , sometimes she would sing with her wings . She would rub both wings together and produce a beautiful sleep song that would play in Nicole 's dreams , a thank you song for Nicole . ( To be Edited ) When I turned in one of my first papers in my English Class . Mr . Landon looked at it , then made into a little paper ball and threw it in the trash basket . Then he said " Write it again , this time go straight to the point . " so I did , and the story suddenly was more readable after skipping boring introductions and pointless descriptions . " See how better that looks ? " he said . I guess this is my theme when I write nowadays . In whatever I write , I try to go straight to the point , avoiding details and descriptions of the characters . It 's not just about going to the point , but if you can describe and give details as the story moves along it kind of flows more nicely . I hate when I 'm reading a book and in the beginning I 'm being thrown different , irrelevant things such as the shape of some building , the color skin of some people , the background or fictional background of someone much irrelevant to the plot . It seems that many writers do this to fill up space and add words to their count . I remember I won a book in an English Contest for top 3 writings of the college . The book choice was minimal , about five books , with authors I didn 't know . I don 't blame them though I know few authors , I 'm more of a writer than a reader . It 's hard to draw some people in the story , specially if you 're not very popular like Stephen King or James Patterson . I read the book , I tried my best , but after the 30th page I thought . I think I 'm done with this story , whatever it is about . I closed the book and never read it again . It 's still gathering dust in one of my shelves , it had a nice cover that 's how I picked it . Make sure your book has an interesting cover and people might pick it . Jeff Landon was my English II teacher , and he was good at what he did , and probably still does . The man would give you English puzzles , writing scenarios to work with , random stuff . He threw three words at you and said " Write me a story about these three things . " Some stories came around good , some not , others were funny , I liked the funny ones . But to me funny stories are just two or three pages long . The man had a good sense of humor , he was funny and could come up with some funny stuff , something I 'm not so great at . Landon published a few stories and poems . He wasn 't no one , he had some skill , he was good . There was this guy in this class , funny dude . He would always call him " Mr . Dr . Professor Landon " Sort of as to make him seem like some godly teacher . He asked Landon if he ever wrote a novel . Landon said he had tried , many times , but at could not get past a point . I remember this well and hope that this curse doesn 't stay with me , since after some point I want to move on . I got three stories I 'm working on now , and I think that should be plenty to keep the creativeness going . Now I just need to fill in the gaps and whichever I 'm in the mood in I could work on . I like variety because when I stick to continuing only one , i sometimes get bored and can 't come up with anything goo . |
A train that hasn 't run for 40 years is suddenly on the tracks again , with a sinister new conductor . A foul - mouthed police officer tries to solve the mystery behind inhuman , skeletal corpses that suddenly begin showing up around town . A little boy 's life is threatened by his two older brothers , one of whom died years ago . A lucid dreamer finds his nightmares following him back into the real world . What kind of book would you think this was based on the above paragraph ? If you 're like I was when this showed up in my Amazon recommendations , you 're probably thinking it 's a short story collection , and you 'd be right , kind of . After all , that 's exactly how Jon Padgett 's The Secret of Ventriloquism is advertised . The stories can be read in any order you 'd like , and each tale can be read on its own . That 's right . Even though they don 't sound like they 'd fit together , the bizarre , horrifying stories in this book all tie into each other . In the case of two stories , the relationship to the others is merely thematic , but the rest either share characters or reference events and places from one of the other tales , resulting in a larger , overarching narrative . Just like a ventriloquist manipulates the actions of his or her dummy , a malevolent power manipulates people and events from behind the scenes ; they gain more and more control of the world … and lay waste to it . Some characters are separated from loved ones ; others find their bodies forced to commit heinous acts ; still others are physically twisted into oozing , nauseating mockeries of anatomy . The worst fate , however , awaits the one who dares to seek out this entity , pull back the curtain and divine its secrets . The writing style varies with each story , which really says something about Padgett 's skill . Some stories are written in a more - contemporary style , sometimes containing F and S bombs ( which , while I try not to say them myself , don 't really bother me ) or taking Jesus 's name in vain ( which does bother me , but it 's thankfully the least - used of the swears ) . Others don 't read that differently from long - standing classics in the field . Out of all the muffled noises Mark heard through the walls of his now pitch black apartment , the howls and screams in the hallway were the first to die down . After that , it was the gunfire and blaring horns outside . After a long while , there was nothing , nothing but the occasional explosion in the distance - so far away they almost sounded like harmless fireworks . He hadn 't left the apartment once that day ; by now it was impossible . His chest grew cold . What had happened to Art ; to Shelly , Kyle and Sammie ; to his cousins Becca and Bill ? Had they survived ? Now his entire body grew cold . Whatever was going on might not be confined to just Mark 's town . Had any of his family or friends survived ? An emergency flashlight lay next to Mark on his bed ; in his hands was a loaded and chambered Glock pistol . He shook his head . It was an excellent firearm , but did having it really make any difference ? In that dark room , his one weapon felt inadequate against whatever had created the Hell on Earth outside . With no electricity , no windows to look through , a door that wouldn 't open and a phone that had broken just last night , he didn 't even know what was going on out there ; he had no idea what he was up against . There was another explosion . He gritted his teeth ; how long before he found out ? That final thought enraged him . Even with a weapon , there was absolutely nothing he could do but sit there , waiting . The ball was in their court , not his . He was completely powerless . He continued to stare out the bedroom door . After a while , he shook his head again . No . There had to be something he could do . An idea hit him . There was something he could do . He couldn 't get out , but maybe he could lure them in . The building was as quiet as a mausoleum right now ; that gave Mark two advantages . First , that meant that if anyone was still here , even if they were hostile , they were probably few in number , maybe even all alone . Second , any noise right now would be easy to hear , especially if it came from inside the building . If he threw things against the walls and created enough of a racket , someone might come to investigate , and he could overpower them ; he could get out ; he could find his cousins , his friends - his grip tightened - or , if anything had happened to them , he could go after whoever was responsible . Mark didn 't move . His plan was based on guesses and nothing else . He took a deep breath and let it out through his nose . Bad plan or not , unless he wanted to go back to waiting , he had to act now . For all he knew , the attackers could be on their way back here . If he waited too long , he wouldn 't be luring in just one or two enemies . Mark 's whole body went rigid . He hadn 't heard anything open or close ; he hadn 't heard any footsteps ; how could anyone have gotten in ? He quickly tried to dismiss the idea , to convince himself something out there had fallen on its own ; that made a lot more sense . It didn 't work . These last few hours had changed everything . He had no idea what was and wasn 't possible anymore . There very well could be someone else in the apartment , someone who knew he was here . A thought occurred to him . If there was somebody else in the suite , they were obviously trying to lure him out , which meant his being in this particular room gave him some kind of advantage . His body relaxed , and his head tilted back slightly . Instead of letting them force his hand , he 'd force theirs . Since they wanted him to come out , he 'd just stay right where he was . Time passed . Mark didn 't even shift his position ; he just sat there , facing his bedroom 's open door , the gun still out and ready . It looked like he was right . Whoever was out there really didn 't want to come in this room ; absolutely nothing was happening , no sounds , no sudden attacks , nothing . More time passed . Mark began to get frustrated . He considered firing a shot out the doorway . Maybe that would make them panic , and maybe that , along with the idea that he 'd used up some ammo , would be enough to draw them in , where he , somehow , had the upper hand . He was debating with himself over the idea when something else occurred to him , something horrifying . What if they weren 't trying to lure him out ? What if they were trying to make him too scared to move ? What if his room actually gave them some kind of advantage ? What if - Footsteps . Footsteps in the other room . Footsteps that were getting closer . Within seconds , he could see a vague outline in the darkness . The intruder was right there at bedroom 's entrance . Mark 's mouth went dry . This was it . Either they were about to lose or he was about to die . Mark hated to do it , but he took one hand off the gun and grabbed the flashlight . He turned it on . What he saw made him tilt his head . In front of him stood a petite woman , holding her hands up in surrender . She was Asian and appeared to be in her mid - to - late 20s , somewhere around Mark 's age maybe . What he noticed the most , however , were her clothes . They looked like something you 'd wear to the office on Casual Fridays , not something you 'd wear to wage war . He then noticed that one of her hands was holding a shard of broken glass . If she was with the attackers , why would she be dressed like that and why would she have come in here with just a makeshift weapon ? If she wasn 't one of them though , how was she even in the apartment in the first place ? Squinting at the flashlight , the woman gave a reply . " My name 's Lexi , and I don 't know how I got here . Really , I don 't . I … woke up and found myself here . I don 't even know where I am . " " I wanted to get my bearings , figure out where I was . I was scared someone would hear me , so I wanted to make sure I was in here alone first . Nobody came out when I threw the lamp on the floor , so I thought I was free to look around . " So she was doing the questioning now . He decided to oblige her . " I don 't know , " he said . " This morning , I decided to take a personal day . I called into work , went back to bed , and the next thing I know , it sounds like World War III broke out . " " Mine and my roommate 's , " he answered . " My roommate didn 't call in . God knows where he is now … or if he 's even alive . " He instantly regretted saying that last part . For a second , Lexi looked like she was going to vomit . She didn 't though . She stood there shaking for a bit but managed to pull herself together . Then , she slowly looked back at the doorway and spoke . " I woke up while all that was going on . I panicked and was about to get up off the floor , but then someone rushed into the living room . They didn 't see me , probably because it was so dark . They pounded on the door and walls like a maniac for a while and then ran back into your room . I 'm guessing that was you ? " " Well , when you didn 't come back out , I thought maybe there was a secret exit in this room , a way out that … whoever all is out there didn 't know about . " She sighed , indicating she now understood there definitely wasn 't . After looking around for a moment , she continued . " It doesn 't sound like anybody 's out there now . Maybe we could try the door back there . " Mark hesitated . She 'd been through a lot already - waking up in a strange place , hearing the world go to Hell outside , being held at gunpoint ; if she wasn 't lying , what he was about to say might push her over the edge . He motioned for her to put her arms down , and she complied . He decided to put her at ease a little and told her his name . Then , not able to put it off any longer , he bit the bullet and began . Mark cursed his poor choice of words . " I don 't mean that a person is holding it shut , " he clarified . " The knob still turns and everything , but no matter how hard you pull , it won 't give . " " That won 't work , " Mark cut her off . " There aren 't any windows . " He took a deep breath . " We 're dealing with the supernatural . I don 't know what else to call it . There used to be windows . There were some right in this room . Now , there 's nothing but walls , like the windows were never there in the first place . " We can try the door , but I 'm sure it 's still stuck . I bet it and the walls are even indestructible . I don 't know why , but whoever 's out there turned this part of the building into a prison . These people , people with magic powers , don 't want us to leave ; they have plans for us . " He had to nip this in the bud . " I did find a way out . I 'm telling you all this so you understand why we can 't do something more obvious , like the stuff you mentioned . What you did with the lamp out there wasn 't a bad idea . In fact , that 's how we 're going to get out of here . " He then explained his plan , the plan that had been interrupted when Lexi threw the lamp . He pointed out how it was basically her idea but on a larger , louder scale , designed to be heard outside the room instead of just in it . When he was finished , Lexi looked down , seeming to think it over , and then back at him . " The windows are gone , but the door isn 't , " she interrupted him . " Maybe the " - she made a face - " magic they put on the door is weaker than the magic they put on the windows . If it did wear off , we might be able to just sneak out . " Mark had to admit it ; she had a point , and it would only take a few seconds . He nodded , and they went into the living room , Mark in the rear , Lexi in front , the flashlight and gun still on her . He had her try the door . Nothing . She gave it a few more tries , becoming more worked up and agitated each time . Finally , after pausing a moment , she turned back to him and threw up her hands . " You were right … and unless you trust me enough to holster your gun , I 'm guessing I 'll be doing most of the lifting and throwing . That 's fine ; I just want to get out of here and find my family . Tell me what I should pick up first . " " What ? Yeah . I called in after you left . I found your phone here just now ; I didn 't know you had more than one . Look , tell me what 's going on out there . Where are you ? " Mark 's gaze left the phone and settled on Lexi . She looked as confused as he probably did . " You mean Lexi ? " he asked , not taking his eyes off the woman . After a bit of silence , the voice on the other end responded . " Lexi Park ? " Art said , his voice no longer threatening . " You and I have never met . You can only imagine how much I wanted to tell you all this in person . Ever since I arrived here , I 've hated this alien world . All I could do was bide my time and wait to go back home , but then I saw you perform at The Laugh Lounge . You made Earth come alive for me . I never understood why you weren 't doing comedy full - time . Your routine enabled me to appreciate all the ridiculous little details in your world , to see hilarity … and joy . " " I 'm the one who brought you here , " Art told Lexi , his voice now starting to wheeze . " I never laid a finger on you , I swear . My superiors gave me the ability to teleport people from a distance . I 'm sorry it had to be like this , but there was no other way ; you would have died otherwise . " " That … won 't be a problem for much longer , " the voice said . " There are two ways to reverse what I did to the apartment . My plan was to come and do it in person … and finally meet you . " Lexi shuddered . Still on the verge of going limp , Mark forced himself to rejoin the conversation . " What 's the other way ? What do we need to do ? " " Nothing . " Art addressed him , the wheezing becoming more pronounced . " You don 't need to do a thing . Some of your fellow earthlings already did it for you … with their damned guns . We 're winning , but some of your people fought back . I got away , " he forced a bitter - sounding laugh , " but not in one piece . " Art panted a bit before continuing . " It won 't be long . Once I 'm dead , you 'll be able to open the door . Is she still there ? " " I 'm sorry it turned out this way . I 'm sure my superiors would have spared you if I 'd let you out and brought you back home . You had so much to say about your world ; I would have loved to hear what you had to say about mine . " That was the last intelligible thing Art said . After that , there were a few minutes of moaning , garbled attempts at speech and coughing . Then , the phone went quiet . Mark was the first one out ; after all , he we was the one with the pistol ; if anyone was still here , they might as well attack him first , not Lexi . " Keep holding the light up , " he called out . " The stairs are this way . " In the hall , the distant explosions were even more muffled than before . At least they weren 't getting closer . Progress was slow and quiet . Now that they 'd escaped , there was no need to draw attention to themselves ; just the thought of doing so now made the hair on Mark 's arms stand up . It wouldn 't be much longer , though ; they were halfway down the hall already . Once they rounded the corner at the other end , they 'd be at the stairs . The light vanished . " Stop , " Lexi hissed before Mark had time to say anything . Either her ears were playing tricks on her or her hearing was better than Mark 's ; he could believe either at this point . Then , he flinched ; he could hear it too . It was coming from around the corner . At first , it sounded like a rapid tapping . With each second , it grew louder until Mark realized what it was ; something was heading toward them , running on all fours . " Turn it back on ! " Mark ordered . " It already knows we 're here , and unless I can see it , I can 't shoot it ! " Lexi complied . Mark braced himself . At least it wasn 't coming from behind - he tensed up - unless there was more than one . What they were hearing rounded the corner and came to a stop , facing them . It almost looked like a rottweiler but twice the size ; it had no visible eyes or ears , but it did have an entire set of long , jagged fangs . Mark lined up his gun 's sights . He didn 't fire . All of a sudden , he didn 't want to . As he stared at the four - legged demon , strange , completely alien thoughts came into his head , animalistic thoughts that overrode his own . The gun dropped from his hands . He didn 't notice . All he was aware of was the creature in front of him , a creature that looked as vicious as he felt that moment . He got on his hands and knees . All he could think of was meeting it head on , tearing it limb from limb and devouring it . A piercing shot rang out , and it fell to the side . Mark jolted back , trembling . The thoughts were gone . He looked at the still beast and then at his own hands . Lexi ran over to him . The creature 's head suddenly rose , and it got back on its feet . Lexi screamed and shot , missing this time . Its front leg wounded from before , it staggered toward the two . Lexi kept firing . Each shot missed . It got closer . The thoughts were coming back . Lexi fired again . Its head jolted back ; then , it stiffened and fell forward . He shuddered . " It … it … took over my mind . Made me think the way it thought . Made me want to attack it directly instead of shooting or hiding … so I 'd be easier to kill . " He got to his feet and looked over at the woman who 'd just saved his life . She looked at the dead beast , then down the hall and then back at him . Breathing heavily and shaking her head , she handed him the gun , grip first . " Here 's how you can thank me . " Mark 's blood ran cold . He took the gun but only to get it away from her . Once he told her no , there was no telling what she 'd do to herself . Lexi 's jaw dropped , and she put a hand to her chest . " You thought I meant - " She shook her head again . " Are you insane ? No ! " She gestured at the carcass . " Look at all the ammo I wasted ! You 're clearly better with that thing than I am ; our chances are better if you 're the one holding it ; I just wanted you to have it back ! " She put a hand to her forehead . " Let 's go , " she whispered after a moment . Mark pulled out one of his spare magazines and slid it up into the pistol . Thankfully , there were no more incidents . They made it all the way to the ground floor without any trouble . Mark signaled for her to wait while he put an ear against the exit . He didn 't hear anything , but he couldn 't bring himself to push it open . He wanted to get away , but there could be anything out there , things even worse than whatever had almost killed him . He sighed . But there were also people out there , ordinary people who had managed to kill at least one of the attackers . For this one , I wanted to channel my life - long fear of heights into a horror piece . The Result ? A tale of six friends , trapped at the edge of a cliff with only one way to escape : outwitting a supernatural predator bent on murdering them . Emily , hands over her mouth , stood in front of him , staring down at the ring he was holding out . The silence was unbearable . It couldn 't have been more than a few seconds since he 'd proposed , but with each of those seconds , he could feel his confidence dying . His mental pep talk wasn 't working . Had he rushed things ? Was she upset ? Had he put her on the spot ? Did she feel manipulated ? The tension left his body so fast that Alan almost collapsed . He caught himself and , with trembling hands , put the ring - a white gold band paved with intricately cut sapphires and diamonds and topped with a larger diamond - on Emily 's finger . Engaged . The most perfect woman in the world had agreed to become his wife . It was only then , after his anxieties had been put to rest , that he became aware of just how much the rough ground was hurting his knee . Not taking his eyes off his new fiancé , he stood up . He hadn 't been back on his feet for two seconds when she jumped up and threw her arms around him . Alan greeted her lips with his own . When the kiss ended , he realized that the other four climbers , who 'd been just as surprised by the proposal as Emily , were now all gathered around the couple . Lupe , Emily 's best friend , and Daisy , Emily 's kid sister , both squealed with delight and begged to get a closer look at the ring . Daisy 's friend Nicole , smiling widely , kept shaking her head and saying " I don 't believe it " over and over . Kenneth - Alan 's oldest friend , his brother in all but name - grabbed his hand and shook it , grinning with approval . Kenneth chuckled and turned back to Alan . " You dragged us to Sky Hill , a place none of us knew existed until last month , where the easiest way to get past the base is a 12 - foot , near - vertical rock face . Then , you had us hike four miles , " he made a sweeping gesture , " all the way up to the summit . All that , just to do something you could 've done at your apartment … or hers . " Kenneth looked over at Emily and the others . " What are we even doing up here ? " he said . " We need to celebrate ! Come on . I 'll buy us all drinks at Rob 's . " " C ' mon ! " his friend cut him off . " It 's the perfect way to end a day like this ! Besides , I 'll pay for everything . " Alan frowned . The actual perfect way to end the day would be doing what meant the most to Emily , and he knew that would be breaking the news to her parents in person , with him right there beside her . He needed to nip Kenneth 's idea in the bud . " Look , " he began , " I 'm sure you had something incredible planned after this , but Rob 's has always been like Nirvana to you . Think of it as my way of thanking you . I mean , you let me be a part of … of this , the biggest day of your life . Yeah , I gave you a hard time about it just now , but you know I was kidding . You let the rest of us , " he gestured at Emily 's friends , " share the experience with you . We all owe this to you , " he turned to Emily , " to both of you . You 've been great friends to me . Now , it 's my turn to be a great friend … and that 's something I really haven 't been lately . " His mouth closed , Alan exhaled . In any other circumstance , he 'd have been touched . He knew Kenneth well enough to tell he was being sincere , but he also knew Emily . She 'd have fun , but Rob 's wouldn 't make her face light up like what he 'd planned . Then again , the main thing - the proposal - had been accomplished . She was already ecstatic , and changing Kenneth 's mind on anything always took lots of effort . Maybe it 'd be best to just give in . " You know what ? " He looked back and forth between his friend and his fiancé . " If it really means that much to you , Kenneth , we 'll take you up on it . " Alan sighed . It wasn 't awesome , but Kenneth meant well , and this would still be great , just not as great . As he watched the others get their packs , Emily leaned against him and gave him a tender , consoling pat on the back . He smiled again , wrapped an arm around her and squeezed tightly . She could always tell what he needed . The two grabbed their backpacks and started following the others down the trail , back into the forest of ponderosa pines . Alan reached out and clasped Emily 's hand . Emily squeezed back . He glanced down ; he loved how her hand looked with the ring on it , with his ring on it . Physical proof that what happened at the summit hadn 't been some dream , the piece of jewelry might have held his gaze for hours if Emily hadn 't brought him back to his surroundings . Alan looked up and was caught off guard . On the way up , he 'd been too preoccupied to notice just how dark and closed in the forest was . The blue sky had all but disappeared , replaced by a shadowy , green curtain . There was just enough light getting through for them to see the trail . As Emily said , the path was narrowing , almost like it was afraid - afraid to allow any more space between the trees than was absolutely necessary . The trail was so narrow , they 'd all have to go single file . He gave Emily 's hand a final squeeze , then let her move in front of him . In fact , he was eager to keep her in front of him . He knew he was being irrational , like a kid who 'd just heard their first ghost story , but these woods made him want to keep the woman he loved safe in his line of sight . On they went , slowly . Other than their own footsteps , the only sounds came from some woodpeckers far in the distance . She pointed at the ground . Right by her foot was a lone , brown thrush with a rust tail . The tiny bird was digging through the fallen pine needles , taking no notice of the humans . " Nothing , " she said . " Nothing , " she repeated louder to the others ahead of them . " Sorry . I just almost stepped on him . Poor little guy . " " Maybe he hasn 't been around humans enough to consider them a threat , " said Lupe . " It 's not like this place gets many visitors . Just look at the ground . The only footprints I see are the ones from when we were heading up . " " Wait a minute . " Emily turned her head . " Sweetie ? Is that why you chose this place , because there wouldn 't be anyone else up here ? " Alan grinned . " That 's right . I mean , yeah , they made a hiking trail and everything , but Sky Hill really doesn 't get much traffic . There are higher mountains not too far away , so you don 't get a lot of serious climbers here , and getting past the base is too much trouble for someone just interested in hiking . I 've even read that the name ' Sky Hill ' has nothing to do with the elevation ; it 's called that because the only regular visitors this place gets are things that can fly through the skies . " He held out his hand . " That 's why I wanted to come here . I just thought it 'd be more special if it was just us and some friends . " Lupe cooed . Emily reached back toward Alan . It was still just bright enough for him to tell she was smiling . Once again , he took her hand in his own . So what if these woods were too gloomy for his liking ? He 'd made the right choice picking Sky Hill ; he was sure of that now . The path widened after a few minutes , making things a little more tolerable . Also helping were the distractions ; the climbers encountered other birds throughout the hike , few reacting to the humans with anything beyond a curious glance . Finally , an hour - and - a - half after they left the summit , the canopy of trees broke apart . The dark green shadows gave way to bright , golden light and a blue sky . " Anyone up for a break ? " Alan asked . After being surrounded by those pines for so long , after being cut off from the rest of the world by that darkness , he felt like lounging in the sunlight for a bit . " You sure ? " Kenneth replied . " That 'll just mean less time at your Nirvana . I bet all you really need is one of these . " He pulled out an energy bar . Alan shook his head . " It 'll take us at least another hour to reach the end of the trail . I could really use a rest … okay ? " Kenneth tilted his head , then nodded and sat down . He tossed the bar at Alan . " You 'll need this regardless . " He then tossed a bar to each of the others . Emily plopped down next to Alan . With his arm once again around her , Alan appreciated that Kenneth hadn 't argued this time . After a moment , Emily began giggling . He laughed . " And here I was thinking it 'd be at Rob 's . " He tore off the wrapper and took a bite . " Life 's full of surprises , huh ? " Later , bars eaten and legs rested , the six were back on their feet and resuming their journey to the base . Eventually , they were traveling in single file again ; the trail hadn 't gotten narrow again , but it was now winding around the mountain , something it would do for the rest of the trip down . To the trail 's left was just a craggy , tan rock face , but to its right was a 100 - foot drop . If someone fell from that high up , they 'd live long enough to count to three and then smash to pieces on the rocks below . Like before , Alan brought up the rear . Just ahead of him was Emily , craning her neck to see over the taller Lupe 's shoulder , probably to keep an eye on climbing rookies Daisy and Nicole , even though both girls seemed anxious to stay away from the edge . It even looked like Nicole kept scraping her arm against the rocks ; that 's how close she was to the wall . Finally , there was Kenneth . He wasn 't just in front anymore ; by now he was beginning to put real distance between him and everyone else . After a few more minutes , there was a huge gap . Alan shook his head . Maybe Kenneth was trying to make up for the break . It wasn 't a rational plan . He wouldn 't save any time ; he 'd still have to wait for everyone else ; come to think of it , he probably didn 't even realize how far back the rest of them were . The trail was approaching a bend , and Kenneth was about to disappear around it . " I need to pass you , " Alan told Emily before pointing at his friend . " He 's going to wear himself out for nothing if I don 't stop him . " His fiancé complied and shifted toward the wall . Alan cupped his hands around his mouth , preparing to call out . Kenneth , now turning on the curve , came to a dead stop , his legs frozen in mid - step . Good , he must 've realized on his own ; Alan wouldn 't need to call out after all . He started to lower his hands but paused . Something was wrong . Kenneth wasn 't just standing there , impatiently waiting ; he wasn 't moving at all . His arms were stuck in mid - air , his face fixed straight ahead . Everyone else came to a halt . Nicole looked back at the others , as if eager for some kind of explanation . Alan moved forward again , as fast as he possibly could . He pulled a can of bear repellant out his pocket . He didn 't know how they 'd gotten up here , but there was clearly something just around the bend , something that made Kenneth too scared to move . A wave of relief hit Alan at what he saw next . Kenneth 's arms limply fell to his sides ; he was moving again . The animal must 've run off . Alan didn 't want to take any chances though ; he kept rushing forward and calling out . He soon caught up to his friend . Repellant out , he looked around the corner . Kenneth hadn 't stopped because of an animal . Just a few feet ahead of them , the trail - the very trail they 'd used on the way up - came to a dead end . Instead of continuing around the mountain , it now led directly into the rock face . Alan kept staring with his friend until he heard Emily rushing up , followed by the others . He turned to the women , not knowing what to say . Emily , her own can of repellant out and ready , shuffled past the two men to see what it was that had turned them into statues . Her mouth dropped open , and for a moment she went as still as they had . Then , without saying a word , she stumbled up to the wall , clearly still in shock but apparently wanting a closer look . Alan - and then the others - followed . Alan blinked a few times before shaking his head and narrowing his eyes . " What happened is that we 're not thinking straight , " he said . " Obviously , there was a fork somewhere back there , and we just didn 't notice . " He had no idea where that could have happened or how any of them could have missed it , but that was the only thing that made any sense . Still facing the wall like the rest , Kenneth pointed up ahead . " Look . " Alan looked , and he immediately felt his stomach harden . " There 's that stone with the weird , green stripes , " Kenneth said . " Remember ? We saw it on the way up . " Alan did remember . Kenneth had pointed it out back then too . After a few seconds , he willed himself to look away , stepped to the front and faced everyone . " Listen , " he said , trying to convince the others , trying to convince himself . " What sounds crazier , that there 's more than one rock like that up here or that this part of the mountain magically changed ? " He looked each one of them in the eyes . " We 've wasted enough time here . If we don 't go back and start looking for that fork right now , we 'll be up here after sundown . Anyone here want to rappel in the dark ? " The very idea of doing that made Nicole and Daisy cover their mouths . Lupe and Emily shook their heads . Kenneth looked at Alan and then back at the wall . " No , " he told Alan . " Then let 's go , " Alan replied . He maneuvered back to the other side of the group . This time , he wanted to be up front ; they needed sharp eyes if they were going to find that fork . He went back around the bend . At first , Alan was too shocked to think coherently , let alone move . It took the screams of the others to snap him out of it . He glanced back at his companions and then looked forward again . The trail they had just been on only a minute ago now led directly into a rock wall , as if it had never led up to the summit in the first place . Loud screeches overhead stopped Alan 's chaotic train of thought . They all looked up . A mass of winged creatures were flying overhead , birds - all racing away from the mountain . Earlier , not even the little thrushes had shown any sign of fear . Now , something in the woods above was making not just thrushes but hawks - Alan recognized the high pitched kik - kik - kik alarm call - flee for their lives . Daisy said what Alan was already thinking . " It 's coming down the mountain ! " She gestured at the new wall . " That 's why it trapped us ! Whatever did this is up in the woods , and it 's heading down here ! " " How 'll that help ? ! " Kenneth responded . " How ? ! " Everyone stopped . " Whatever 's up there can change the mountain at will ! What 's to stop it from making us fall on our way down ? ! " Alan frantically racked his brain . Then , it hit him . " We won 't all go down at once , " he said . " So far , it 's only been able to change things when we weren 't there to see it happen . If one of us waits up here until everyone else is on the ground , the anchors will all hold . " Nicole , clearly not happy with the plan either , spoke up . " If only we 'd kept moving instead of taking that break . " She wasn 't arguing ; she wasn 't pointing fingers ; she was just thinking out loud , but that one comment completely disarmed Alan . She was right . If it hadn 't been for that break , they 'd at least be a lot closer to the base , and that break had been his idea . Coming to Sky Hill in the first place had been his idea . If it hadn 't been for him and his ideas , their lives wouldn 't be at stake right now . He peered over the edge . Maybe this new idea would kill them outright . Maybe they needed to take time and think of another - " We don 't have a choice , " Emily said firmly . Everyone looked at her . " It took us two hours to get this far , " she went on , " but we don 't know how fast whatever 's up there is . They could be down here any second . We don 't have time to come up with anything else . I don 't think there even is anything else … other than waiting for them to get here and kill us . " The wall had no bolts the climbers could attach themselves to , but thankfully , everyone had brought cams . They all scanned the rock face for pockets to wedge the spring - loaded devices into to create anchor points . Very soon , there were six rappel anchors , each with a rope attached . Alan insisted that he be the one to stay up there with the anchors . Emily , looking horrified , tried to object , but Alan reminded her that they were running out of time . She wasn 't happy , but she complied . Just before going over the edge with the others , she looked his way and mouthed " I love you " to him ; he mouthed the three words back to her . Then , she was gone . What if I 'm wrong ? he thought . What if it 's able to knock their anchors loose even though I 'm still up here ? He narrowed his eyes . The anchors all seemed to be holding up . If he was wrong , something would have happened by now . He exhaled and then , after a moment , frowned . What if it shows up right now and kills me ? Then , it won 't matter that I 'm right ; it 'll be free to go after the others , to dislodge their anchors and make them all fall to their deaths . Every one of his muscles tightened . Too late . Can 't change your mind now . All you can do is wait … and pray … and wait . Soon , Alan heard voices far below . He turned his head and felt his entire body instantly relax . They 'd made it . Emily and the others were all on the ground . The love of his life was safe . He took a deep breath and held it a moment . Now , all that was at stake was his future with her . It was his turn now , and there 'd be no one to watch his anchor , no one to prevent any interference . With his free hand , he reached out toward the wall . While the rope itself would need to stay attached to the anchor , the tether holding his harness to the anchor had to come off . He unclipped the far end of his tether , attached it to his harness with the other end and began his descent . He went too slowly at first . He berated himself for this , but with only the rope supporting his weight now , he realized just how terrified he was of letting his cams out of his sight . The moment he couldn 't see them anymore , that might be it . When that thing was all the way up in the woods , it seemed to know exactly where the climbers were . Even if it was still far off , it might somehow be watching him right now . Emily 's words came back to him ; he might fall to his death , but his only other choice was to wait for that thing to kill him in person . He gritted his teeth and began letting out more rope . Seconds later , the wall and his three anchor points were gone . He moved down the cliff as fast as he safely could . His body was facing straight up , but he didn 't dare so much as glance at the receding mountaintop . Even if it was only for a second , if he saw it , that entity , he wasn 't sure he 'd be able to move , and any delay in his progress at this point , he knew , would probably kill him . Instead , he put all his attention on the rope , on feeding it into the rappel device . It seemed to take forever . He had to hit the bottom soon . In fact , maybe he was close enough that even if all three anchor points were knocked loose , he 'd survive . No , if he was that close , he 'd be able to make out what Emily and the rest were saying . Actually , he couldn 't hear them at all right now . Still keeping his eyes on the rope , his face scrunched up . Why were they being so quiet ? Were they afraid they 'd distract him and make him fall ? His heart skipped a beat . They were probably looking up at him and up at the mountain . Did they see something that made them too horrified to speak ? Did they - Alan flew backwards off the rock face . He drew in a gasp . Down he plummeted , his arms flailing , the air rushing past him , the top of Sky Hill shrinking before his eyes . He heard screams below , indistinct at first , then clearer and louder , louder , louder . The professor sighed . " Even after all the research , I honestly don 't know . Not to downplay the loss of life , of course , but all records indicate that the murders were , well , ordinary . Absolutely nothing about the crime scenes suggested anything ritualistic . Up until the arrests , both the public and the detectives assumed it was a gang of robbers on some incredibly violent spree . Some people think that to this day . I mean , all the stolen property was found at the killers ' hideout . The entire idea of a cult hinges solely on one man , Charles Lanchester . " We don 't even know for sure that was his real name . That 's just the name he gave when he and the other four first arrived in town ; that would have been about five months before the murders . Anyway , once they were all in custody , Lanchester , by far the youngest of the gang , was the only one who would talk . Even then , he barely admitted to anything , but what he did own up to earned him his own curious place in history . " Professor Hunter read from a copy of his book . " Here it is . ' Our mighty ruler called us from far off . He summoned us to this place , that we might commune with him and pay him tribute . ' He said a few more things , but those two sentences are what this entire cult business hinges on . They raised so many questions that this cult is a bigger mystery than the crimes ever were … if there really was a cult . " The professor shrugged . " The others never admitted to anything . Lanchester might have figured he was done for anyway and decided to either have some fun with the interrogators or create a sense of mystery about himself . I always hope a definitive answer will turn up one day , but we may never know for sure . " After a few seconds , a new image came up . A different man , an anxious - looking man , appeared on the screen . He was in an otherwise empty room and was looking right at the camera . " Professor Hunter gave me the last piece of the puzzle , " the man said , his voice the same one that had come from off - screen in the earlier footage . " After ten years , I finally have all the answers . I know what happened on Sky Hill that day . " He leaned toward the camera . " Lanchester was telling the truth . He and the other four came to that specific town because , at the time , it was the closest one , to the mountain and to ' our mighty ruler . ' God alone knows exactly what it is - how much do we really know about this planet ? - but Lanchester and the others knew it was there ; somehow , it had communicated to them from far away , and they all obeyed . " Sky Hill 's never been popular , but people have gone up it over the years - since Lanchester and since us - and nothing 's ever happened . Now , I know why . Lanchester knew it wanted worship … tribute … but it never ended up getting that tribute . Lanchester and the rest were taken into custody before that could happen . " He paused a moment . " It was the ring , " he said . " That 's why this all happened . It wasn 't some ordinary ring . It wasn 't even just a nice ring . It was the type of ring you can only get by going into long - term debt . I could tell that the moment Alan pulled it out . At the time , I was worried Emily would even get mugged for it someday . It had to have been the most expensive piece of jewelry ever brought onto Sky Hill , into its domain . " We made it angry . I 'm convinced it could sense the ring the moment we arrived . I 'm convinced it was up there with us at the summit , invisible but still there , watching us . It probably expected Alan to leave the ring there as a gift , and when he didn 't … it decided there was only one way to respond to such an insult . I don 't know why it didn 't just kill us right then and there . Maybe it wanted to toy with us , make us sweat , let us know well ahead of time what was coming . " He paused again , as if needing to collect his thoughts before continuing . " I think it 's waiting for me , hoping I 'll come back , hoping we all will . Originally , it might have been satisfied with just Alan . He was fifteen feet up when his anchor gave . That was still high enough to kill him , but because he 'd gotten that far down and because Emily and Daisy had the rest of us get into position once we were on the ground , we were able to catch him as a group . " Upon recalling the experience , he rubbed his shoulder and arm , the memory of the physical pain - of the agony - apparently still very vivid . " Because of us , " he went on , " not only did it not get its long - overdue gift , it didn 't even get revenge . " Sometimes , I wonder if that thing will ever come looking for us … but , no , it has to be confined to Sky Hill somehow . Otherwise , something would have happened by now . That 's really why I 'm recording all this . There 's no way anyone who wasn 't there will believe any of it . I 'm just doing this so I 'll always have something on hand to remind myself that as long as we stay away from Sky Hill , all six of us will be safe . " He smiled at the camera , and the screen went black . An older Kenneth turned off the TV . He then got off the couch and retreated into his bedroom , where he lay in the dark , waiting for what seemed like an eternity to drift into unconsciousness . He gave a long sigh . That video really was the only thing keeping him sane . Hi there , everybody . Welcome to my first post and my first story , a psychological thriller about a man racing against the clock to outwit an incarcerated criminal and find a group of missing children . I like to call it " In Search of a Skull " I 'd like to dedicate this tale to Brennan McPherson , a professional author who , even though we only met recently , took time out of his busy schedule to do a line - by - line critique of the first draft . Seriously , how often does that happen ? He currently has two books available for purchase . You can find out more by visiting his website . In just five minutes , Pete Ryland would be face - to - face with the world 's most notorious kidnapper . He swallowed and opened his briefcase . He hoped he 'd be able to hide his disgust . This man had helped take so many children away from their families , and this visit might be the only way to bring them home . Despite giving in , Pete shook his head . He must have gone over it a hundred times already . Then again , he couldn 't afford to get careless and slip up . The man he was about to speak with had a reputation and would clam up if Pete wasn 't careful . Every known thing that could set the guy off was written down on that sheet , and this would be Pete 's last chance to review it . He needed to be quick too . If the list was out when the interviewee got here or if he even saw Pete putting it away , he 'd guess that something was up , and it 'd be all over . Everyone knew the kidnappings hadn 't been a one - man job , and almost everyone had a theory on who else was involved . Pete stared at that last item . He didn 't have a theory . He knew , and if this all just went as he hoped , he 'd have proof . He gave the name to the police long ago , but nothing came of it . They just weren 't as convinced as Pete was , not even close . He often thought they might 've been just humoring him when they took it . He kept staring . This name was why the list had to stay hidden . He absolutely could not say it during the interview , but he had to do everything possible to coax it out of the punk 's mouth . It was a miracle they 'd let him do this in the first place , and he only had this one shot . At that last thought , Pete 's chest went cold . Idiot . How long had it been ? Praying for enough time , praying at a thousand words a second , he shoved the papers back into the briefcase and snapped it shut . Right then , the door opened . Xander Eklund , the most famous inmate anywhere on the planet right now , stepped into the room . An armed guard followed . Ever since the arrest , Pete had always been amazed at how little Eklund looked the part . He was tall , sure , but he was also as thin as a broom and had a tiny , weak chin . Then there was his hair , far too short given how badly his ears stuck out ; it made him look almost like a little boy whose parents had just tried at - home barbering for the first time . Pete resisted the urge to leer . Eklund had probably been thinking his visitor would be from a big network . Nope . No crews , no cameras with famous logos on them , just one guy with a camcorder . Like it or not , the monster was stuck with an amateur . " Well , " Pete began . " Let me just say how glad I am to be here talking with you . " He gave a nod . " My name is Pete Ryland . " Pete hadn 't quite expected a joke , but he responded quickly . He had to . Next to not bringing up the accomplice , his biggest concern was to keep talking , to keep Eklund from having any time to wonder why some unknown freelancer had been allowed to speak with him when there were major names and networks all over the planet still waiting their turn . He forced a chuckle . " Exactly , " Pete said . " That 's why I wanted to see you . I want to separate the facts , " he leaned forward , " from the lies . I want to know about the real Xander Eklund , not the Xander Eklund from the tabloids or the forums . " " That 's why I 'm here , " he told the inmate . " Let 's say there was another way to get the truth out . I bet you 've realized I 'm not even a reporter . " " That 's right , " said Pete . " All that gossip ? I hear it from my own students , every single day . What you 've told the media isn 't getting to them because they don 't listen to the media . A lot of people in my field are sick of kids only hearing one side of all this , especially since that side seems to have a problem with accuracy . A bunch of us got together and made enough noise so that a teacher , " he pointed at himself , " would be the next person to see you . Eklund went quiet , for much longer than Pete liked . Had he bought it ? True , almost everything Pete just said was a complete lie , but it was a believable lie , wasn 't it ? He was starting to lose feeling in his hands . " I think you might be right , " he said , " and even if you 're not , my talking to reporters isn 't working , regardless . " He folded his hands on the table . " Go ahead . Ask away . " Pete 's muscles relaxed . He was in . He 'd have to speed things up - this visit wouldn 't last forever - but he was in . " The mass relocation , " he referred to the kidnappings , " had been a success . Overall , the public was on our side . It was the perfect time to add to our ranks so we could begin Phase Two of ' Operation Skull . ' That 's when I recruited Sally Holm to our cause . " Then , " he set both palms on the table and moved them apart , " the press were told that a body had been found , twelve - year - old Angie Gilmore . People might not have bought it if her parents hadn 't come on camera and said they 'd verified it was her . Of course , they were in on it ; the police probably told them it was their only chance of seeing her again . Everyone believed it though … and Sally began having second thoughts . " I reassured her that Angie and the others were perfectly safe - not happy , of course - but safe . I thought she believed me ; she seemed to . But within a week , she turned herself in and led the detectives right to me . " To answer your question , you 're correct . I 'm sure that Little Miss Gilmore and the rest are still safe . We 're not perverts ; we 're not killers . Violence was never part of our plan . ' Operation Skull ' has only ever been about equality . " " Thank you . Now , ever since your group released its first statement to the public , you 've all referred to the children as ' skulls . ' Why is that ? " " ' Skull ' wasn 't our first choice , " Eklund said . " Up until the month of the relocation , we called them ' vessels . ' It made sense . We wanted a quick , to - the - point way of telling everyone we weren 't interested in the kids themselves ; they were just containers . We wanted what was inside them , their powers . If there 'd been a way to take that and leave the kids with their families , believe me , we would 've done that instead . " Anyway , the name was ' vessel , ' but then … somebody had a better idea . These weren 't ordinary children . We 'd be dealing with kids who could touch an object and for up to two weeks be able to tell you its location - no matter where it 'd been moved - just by closing their eyes and thinking about it . Since these powers were mental in nature , why were we using a generic word for container ? Why not use the name of the mind 's container , the skull ? That 'd be even more to the point . So , just weeks before Phase One began , ' Operation Vessel ' became ' Operation Skull . ' " Pete nodded . This was going better than he 'd hoped . He 'd noticed that pause . Eklund had gotten careless and almost dropped a name . Pete would stick with his plan . Eklund had just shown he couldn 't keep his guard up forever . All Pete had to do was keep him talking . " That was a frustrating time . Instead of studying what was right in front of them , the " - he made air quotes again - " experts spent all their time trying to figure out where the powers came from . I mean , here we 've got psychic abilities showing up worldwide , and all we 'd get on the news were theories . ' Was it some kind of evolutionary leap ? ' ' Did aliens secretly visit and toy with our gene pool ? ' It was funny , " he frowned , " almost . " Everyone figured the authorities would eventually focus on the here and now , and to keep their sanity while they waited , some people , " Eklund winked , " got together and began discussing things that actually mattered . How exactly would these individuals use this gift ? Who all had these powers ? Who didn 't have these powers ? " After the world governments announced they 'd collaborate on a census , that last question became the focal point of our meetings . Were these abilities spread out evenly ? Were there any regions or groups that were being left out ? If there were , what could be done about it ? " " Despite what your students have heard , nobody involved had a prejudice . When it turned out that the Irish and people of Irish descent had one ' gifted ' kid , one skull , for every eight , we didn 't resent them . It 's just that some demographics had as few as one for every thousand . " " We made this entirely clear all the way back when we made that first statement . This was about evening the playing field , getting rid of unjust advantages and disadvantages . It was about getting those kids to families that deserved them more . " Pete 's heart all but stopped . He 'd been found out . Eklund had leaned in close when he finished his ' evening the playing field ' sermon ; Pete 's face must 've given something away . Maybe he was bluffing though . It might not be over yet ; he just had to play dumb . " Whatever you actually do for a living , I can tell this much , " Eklund said . " You are one of the parents … or at least a relative . You didn 't come here because you wanted to share my story , you came here in search of a skull . " Eklund sighed . " I was really hoping I 'd been wrong about you . Do you know how much it would have meant if you 'd been telling the truth ? Before Angie Gilmore was turned into a martyr , it was incredible ; there were so many out there who got what we were doing . People were actually tearing down and defacing the missing child posters . " Pete looked down at the camcorder . He could feel himself trembling . The entire family had spent ages chasing down even the barest hints of a lead , and after all that time , David was still gone . This had been Pete 's one chance to find him , and the plan he 'd stuck to religiously , the plan he 'd staked everything on , had failed him , had failed David . No . That would just create more problems for everyone . Pete turned and looked at his briefcase . For all he 'd accomplished , he might as well have kept that list out in plain sight . He clenched his teeth . He might as well have waved that list in Eklund 's face . He turned back to the camcorder . It was still on and was still pointed at the angry convict . He might have one last chance . Pete 's face had given him away ; maybe Eklund 's would do the same . He looked into those remorseless eyes . Pete 's job was done . He had proof and an eye witness . He 'd just made Mr . Johnson the investigation 's main person of interest . David was still out there , but Pete had taken a huge step toward bringing him home . In fact , though Pete had no idea at the time , his contribution would bring David , Angie and all the missing children home in just four days . In the meantime , he wasn 't at peace , but his hope had returned . |
Later that morning one gentle current found Alicia seated at the kitchen table . As a final , playful gesture , the breeze stirred the curly tendrils framing her face . When she felt its touch , she smiled , closed her arithmetic book and rested her head in her arms . Just as she relaxed into sleep , Alicia heard voices in the hall outside the apartment . With a guilty start , her eyes flew open . Holding her breath , Alicia listened closely , hoping not to recognize her parents ' voices . Although she had struggled all morning to finish the problems in her arithmetic workbook , the assignment was still undone - her promises to the contrary . Clearly , she needed more time to finish the extra work the teacher had assigned . The night before , her parents had become angry when reviewing Alicia 's report card . One grade , printed in red ink and circled , had blemished the card - arithmetic . Overlooking all the other , better grades , Antonia had gasped , " This is disgraceful . " " This is a bad note I have received from your teacher , " she had said . " Very bad . What will people say if you do not get promoted ? Think of the shame you bring us . " It had been unusually quiet in the apartment building that Saturday morning . Radio music did not percolate up through the floor ; doors did not slam . Until the moment that she had heard the voices coming up the stairs , Alicia had believed she was alone in the building . Alicia stretched and suppressed a yawn . It was time to get back to work . Her mother would be even angrier than this morning if the workbook pages were undone when she returned from the market . Knowing she should make better use of her time , Alicia furrowed her brow and glared at the neatly stacked rows of unfinished arithmetic problems . With each passing minute , however , the columsd of numbers disintegrated into a blur and Alicia grew increasingly listless . Her fingers refused to hold the stubby pencil . It fell and rolled into the center of the open book . She made no attempt to retrieve it . All of a sudden she heard the shouts of neighborhood children playing outside . A surge of energy propelled her into motion . Forgetting her mother 's orders , Alicia slammed the arithmetic book shut and sprang to her feet . She ran from window to window , opened each and craned her neck as far as she dared . From her vantage point on the third floor , Alicia saw that the streets were crowded . Everyone , it seemed , was outside , enjoying milder temperatures . The puddles that had accumulated during the three - day deluge were now humid stains on the sidewalks . As the sun rose higher in the sky , a thin vapor rose from the cement , carrying with it the sounds and scents of the neighborhood . Although she had heard their voices clearly , Alicia was unable to find where the children had gathered . She returned to her chair at the kitchen table , punched the arithmetic workbook and nestled her head in her arms . With the hope of hearing the children again , Alicia closed her eyes and concentrated on listening , but the roar of traffic had consumed their voices . Alicia knew that even if her homework were finished she could not join the other children . Her parents rarely allowed her outside to play . Mami and Papá Manolo always rolled their eyes in disapproval when they saw boys and girls playing tag . They wanted her to sit home , do her chores , study her lessons , play with her dolls and color in coloring books . Running in the street was not ladylike , they insisted . Leaning back in her chair , Alicia stared at the ceiling and strained to hear the high - pitched voices again , but silence seemed to have blanketed the apartment . She no longer heard the loud ticking of the clock , although the minute hand still marked its steady course . The refrigerator 's rumbling drone had hushed . Alicia got up and opened its door to make certain it still worked . The refrigerator was empty ; her parents had not yet returned from the food market with the week 's provisions . Alicia 's stomach growled , prompting her to reach for the cracker tin . It felt light in her hands and she knew without opening it that it , too , was empty . With nothing else to distract her , Alicia decided to return to her homework to keep her mind from food . No sooner did she sit down to work than she heard the children 's voices outside . Alicia groaned and decided it was a waste to spend so much time on number problems when there were so many other things she could do - like playing tag . Alicia did not jump to her feet as she had before ; instead she closed her eyes and waited until their voices faded , before opening her book . " Of course she is , Manolo , but we are Puerto Rican parents and , Alicia , this is how Puerto Rican parents look out after their little girls . You cannot expect us to change . That would be unthinkable . " " I know you will like this one , " Mami said . " It has many beautiful princesses and a few angels . You may have it after Papá Manolo has checked your work . " " Don 't argue with your mother , Alicia . Well , look at this , Antonia . The child 's work is still undone - after all this time . " " You 're going to buy more at the marketa ? I want to go , too . Please , Mami . I 'm sick and tired of arithmetic . " " No , " Manolo said . " You must finish your work . Work is more important than anything else and it must always be finished before you can enjoy yourself . " " Alicia , you heard what your father said . You will stay here and finish your arithmetic problems . When we come home , he will check your work . If you have done a good job , I will take you to Saint Mary 's Park after church tomorrow . " Antonia glanced sideways at her husband . Manolo gave no indication that he had heard . Antonia sucked in the sides of cheeks the way she always did when annoyed . Alicia had always known Papá Manolo was not her real father , but it was not until a year ago - when she had misplaced her key , that the knowledge began to trouble her . She had even confided in her friends at school and the girls all agreed . Since Manolo was not her real father , Alicia did not have to listen to him , but it was not that simple . Her mother insisted that Alicia obey and respect Manolo because he was the only father she had ever known . To further confuse things , Papá Manolo was nice - sometimes , most times . Alicia liked him then . Too many other times he was bossy and grouchy and he would not allow Alicia to do many of the things she wanted . His reasons were always the same . He said it was not proper , or that nice little girls in Puerto Rico never did such things - like playing hide and seek , or tag with boys . It infuriated Alicia that her mother always agreed with him . It was a mystery ; how could anyone live in a place where playing tag was not proper ? She wondered what her real father was like . All Alicia knew for sure was that his name was Andrés and that she looked like him . Her had mother never told her that . Antonia never talked about him , but Alicia had overheard Papá Manolo say it many times . Thinking about her real father , Alicia pushed back from the table and went to the bathroom . The light bulb in that small room was dim . Papá Manolo said you did not need to see what you were doing in a bathroom and that it was a waste of money to use bright bulbs . Alicia looked at her reflection in the cracked mirror and wondered what parts of her face looked like her father . Everyone said she had her mother 's brown , curly hair and eyes . Alicia pushed the tip of her small , straight nose up slightly , then down and side to side . What was his nose like ? Were his lips skinny like hers ? Did his ears stick out ? Was he good in arithmetic ? With a start , Alicia remembered that her parents would be coming home soon and that the workbook was still unfinished . She rushed back to the kitchen table . Once in her chair , she sat up straight , her feet planted firmly on the floor . It was the only way that her teacher , Mrs . Siegel , allowed anyone in her class to sit when working at lessons . " Remember , boys and girls ; correct posture is most important . " She said this daily , the words warbling from her throat with such power that the folds of skin beneath her chin quivered . " Correct posture helps blood flow to the brain and that makes you smarter . " Alicia stood , stretched and sat down again . She yawned and rested her chin in her hands . The numbers in her workbook seemed to sway back and forth in front of her eyes , but she continued to work , putting down answers and hoping they were right . Next year she was entering the fifth grade . It was hard to believe that , finally , she was going to be one of the ' big kids ' in the school . Alicia did not feel big , even though she was tallest girl in her class and taller than many boys , but she felt small - especially when people stared . It would be wonderful , she thought , if for once she had a dress that the girls would envy . Owning a barrette like Amy 's would be even better . That barrette glowed like real gold in the skinny streams of afternoon sun that slipped into the classroom - in spite of tightly , closed shades . With a new dress , it would not matter if people stared . A few weeks before , Antonia had promised her daughter a new Easter outfit , if her grades were good . Manolo had overheard Antonia 's promise and objected . In the dress factory where Antonia worked , they were just starting work on a beautiful blue and white outfit with lace trim on the collar and the sleeves . Antonia was sure that the foreman would sell her one and it would cost very little . With just few alterations , it would be perfect for Alicia . Even before the Lenten season most of the girls in Mrs . Siegel 's fourth grade class did nothing but talk about new Easter outfits at lunch . Mildred 's mother had just finished sewing a beautiful pink dress for her daughter and Annie 's mom had cut down one of her own dresses for her . When Alicia told them she was getting a brand new , real grown - up outfit , all the girls had opened their eyes wide with envy . No one in the class could top that - not even stuck - up Emily , whose father owned the grocery store on the corner . For weeks Alicia had dreamed about showing off that dress , but lately , when she had asked her mother about it , Antonia just smiled , changed the topic and put off her daughter 's questions . Alicia supposed that her mother knew how poorly she was doing in arithmetic , or maybe , Manolo had found out and had forbidden her the purchase of the dress . Alicia hated him sometimes . If she did not get a new Easter dress , it would be Papá Manolo 's fault . She was still dreaming about her blue and white dress when her parents returned from their second trip to the market . When she turned to greet them , Alicia noticed that they carried no packages . Her parents had told her they were returning to the marketa because they needed more than they could carry in one trip . Thinking it strange that they had returned empty handed , Alicia frowned . Antonia absentmindedly kissed her daughter and immediately started preparing dinner without asking about the progress of Alicia 's school work . Manolo did not look over her work , either . Although Alicia was glad that he had not checked her number problems , it still puzzled her . Papá Manolo never forgot things , like checking her arithmetic . Hoping to broach the subject of the Easter outfit , Alicia lingered at the kitchen table , but as it turned out , conversation was impossible . Antonia kept dropping cooking utensils and spilling things . To make matters worse , she kept running into the living room to stare at Manolo , who was sitting quietly in his favorite chair , waiting for dinner . Disgusted , Alicia gave up trying to talk to her mother . They ate their dinner in silence . Antonia stared at Manolo ; he kept his eyes on his plate . Trying to figure out what was going on , Alicia watched both her parents closely . Halfway through the meal , Alicia grew impatient . She knew that something was wrong , and she wanted to ask her mother , but did not dare . Antonia 's expression did not invite question . After dinner , Alicia again tried talking to her mother about the new Easter outfit . Antonia waved her away with the same distracted gesture that she used to shoo away mosquitoes . Discouraged , Alicia decided to try again in the morning . Palm Sunday was just ten days away . Usually , it was fun , sitting in the living room when Manolo listened to the news commentaries on the Spanish station . Each time without fail , he shook his head at the news , and yelled at the commentators . Although she did not understand what the fuss was about , Alicia enjoyed watching Manolo get mad at some voice , whose owner he had never , and would never meet . " Manolo , for God 's sake . Just remember that the radio isn 't a telephone . They can 't hear you , but we can . Stop cursing like some common tramp . " That was the way they always started , and Alicia knew to get ready . Without wasting time , she rushed to sit on the chair near the radiator . It was as far as she could get from her parents , and still not leave the room . Like kids in a playground , her parents chased each other around the apartment , laughing and yelling . They always ended up in each others arms . " My God . I will bet there is no plaster left on their ceiling . " Manolo stomped his foot . " Come on , Antonia . Let 's give them reason to be upset . " " Alicia , sit down . Manolo , stop that . Anyone would think we were a family of crazy people . For heaven 's sake , what will the neighbors say ? " Manolo stopped jumping and sat down beside her . " Yes , Antonia , you 've always worried about what people say . I 'm still waiting for you to outgrow it . " Her parents embarrassed her with so much hugging and kissing . Worse than that , they acted as if they had forgotten Alicia was in the room . The child had looked down at her shoes and sighed - before retreating into her room . Although Manolo listened to the radio , he listened quietly . Not once did her stepfather jump to his feet to argue politics with the voice on the radio . No one would complain about too much noise coming out of their apartment that night . Alicia wondered if anyone else noticed the unnatural silence that now filled the tiny rooms . It was so quiet she imagined she could hear the dust stir and fall . Alicia frowned ; he was making faces at her . Sometimes , Manolo made her so mad . He knew how much she hated it when people made fun of her . Deep inside her brain she heard herself say , " I wish he were dead . " Alicia looked into her mother 's eyes . It took her only a second to realize that Mami had not overheard the awful thought that had flashed through her . The child relaxed . She could forget the thought . It had never happened . Now she did it . Her fingers were shaking as she hid the buttons in the blouse 's pocket and stuffed the garment under her mattress . She jumped into bed and sighed . With luck , she would be able to get Mariana to sew them on for her tomorrow . For close to an hour , the child resisted sleep by reading and rereading the comic books she had gotten in trade the week before . Her favorite was Wonder Woman , and she read that one at least three times until , finally , her eyes refused to stay open . Satisfied , that she had stayed up as late as she could , Alicia turned off the light . When the room was dark , she pulled her knees to her chest , and fell asleep . Alicia always slept well , rarely getting up in the middle of the night - not even to use the bathroom . When a loud noise awakened her that night , the room was still dark . Because no pale light outlined the edges of the shades , Alicia knew that it was not time to get up for school . She pulled the blankets up to her chin and listened in the darkness - wondering what had awakened her . All she heard was the ticking of her clock . After a few more minutes , she decided that some sound coming up from the street must have wakened her . Just as Alicia felt a gentle wave of sleep begin to wash over her , however , she heard something else . Thinking it was a voice , she sat up , listening to the silence until she was positive it must have been her imagination . Her eyes would not stay open , but just as she slid down beneath her covers she heard it again . And again . It was more than one voice and , suddenly , she heard a loud noise as if someone had dragged a piece of furniture across the floor . Awake now , she reached for her robe and ran to her door . Fearing that there were robbers in the apartment , Alicia did not dare leave her room . Instead , she pressed her ear to the door . The sounds grew louder and Alicia heard her mother 's voice . No longer afraid for herself , Alicia yanked open her bedroom door , intending to rescue her mother from the robbers . When she ran into the hallway , however , she was startled to find every light on in the apartment . She had never seen the place so brightly lit . Something terrible must have happened to her mother . Alicia saw a policeman in the living room and she froze in fear . Policemen never went to someone 's house - unless someone died . At the entrance to their bedroom , which was right off the living room , she saw another policeman , trying to talk to her mother 's best friend , Mariana . Mariana lived in a nearby building . She spoke little English . Alicia tugged at the woman 's arms . " Tití Mariana . What is happening ? " Although they were not related , Alicia had always called her mother 's friend , Tití . It made Mariana happy to be considered family . " She cannot come right now , Alicia . She is busy with Papá Manolo . " Mariana placed her plump finger over her lips . " You really must be quiet , Nena . " " Alicia , hush . Manolo is very sick . Your Mami has to stay with him . " Mariana tried to hug the child again , but Alicia pushed her away . " No . Look , you are going to make the policeman very angry . See ? He is writing your name . You do not want him to take you to jail for being a bad little girl , do you ? " Mariana tried to match the stern look on the officer 's face and for a moment Alicia hesitated . A few seconds later , however , she heard her mother crying again . Alicia decided to get inside that room , no matter what . To break free of Mariana 's grip , the child stomped her foot twice , aiming for the woman 's toes . She missed both times . " Stop it , Alicia . Stop it . I do not know what has gotten into the child , " she said in Spanish to the officer . " She is always such a good , good little girl . What can I do with her ? " Alicia gasped ; her parents never called the doctor . When they were sick Antonia cared for them , using teas made of roots and herbs , or they went to the public health clinic - near the park . Doctors cost so much money ; everyone knew that . For policemen and a doctor , too , to come to the house , it had to be serious . " No , Alicia , " she said . Mariana 's voice was soft , melodious and comforting . " Your Papá Manolo isn 't dead , but he 's very sick . Be a good girl and be quiet . " " Your Mami cannot come . If you are not quiet , both the policeman and the doctor will be mad . Then for sure they will take you to jail . " Antonia was sitting on the bed holding Manolo 's hand . Two men stood at the foot of the bed , watching the doctor , who listened to Manolo 's heart with a stethoscope . A stretcher , leaning against the dresser , took up almost all the remaining floor space , leaving hardly any room for her in the small room . Alicia looked at the stretcher and shuddered . A few months before , a man had been hit by a car and killed on Prospect Avenue . Ambulance workers had been carried him away on a stretcher just like that one . Alicia held onto the bed 's footboard tightly and stared , as if by staring , she could change what she saw . Manolo lay on the bed , wearing only boxer shorts . Alicia lowered her eyes , out of respect . Her stepfather was a very formal and old - fashioned man . He had never allowed Alicia to see him in his underwear . " No . " Mami pulled Manolo 's hand up to her lips and kissed his palm . " No , for God 's sake do not say such a thing , Alicia . " " Don 't cry , Nena . He will get well ; I know it . " Antonia crossed herself , and Alicia noticed that her mother 's rosary was wrapped around her hand . " It 's his heart , Alicia . Oh my God . It is his heart . " She covered her mouth with her hands , the small Crucifix swinging back and forth . " Madam , I cannot listen to his heart with you carrying on like this . If you 're not quiet , you 'll have to leave the room . And this is no place for children either . " The policeman pulled at Alicia 's shoulder . When the child continued to resist , he turned to Mariana for help . The pained look on his face expressed what his words could not . Mariana knew exactly what she had to do . " Come on , Nena , " she said . " Let 's go . I will stay with you in your room . Everything 's going to be fine . You 'll see . " " This way , it will look nice when they return , " she said . " Tomorrow I will clean the rest of the apartment , and you can help me . It 'll be a good surprise for your parents when they come home . " Before Mariana put Alicia to bed , the two of them knelt to pray for Manolo . When Alicia 's knees touched the cold floor she felt something ugly stir , and well up from somewhere inside her . With a start , she remembered the ugly thought that had flashed in her mind , hours before . When angry with her stepfather , Alicia had wished him dead . Now he was dying . It was all her fault . The child 's face became pale and her hands were shaking when she grabbed Mariana 's arm . " Tití Mariana . Tití , I have done a terrible thing . " " Not now , Alicia . It 's time to finish our prayer and then go to sleep . In the morning everything will be all right . You 'll see . " Mariana tried to hug her again , but Alicia dove under the covers , where her mother 's friend could not see her tears . Maybe it was for the best . If she did not tell Mariana about wishing Manolo dead , then no one would know . It would be her secret . All she had to do , was to take back her wish . In addition , Alicia would wish him alive . Mariana was right . Everything would be fine in the morning . Manolo was in the hospital for three weeks , and Antonia stayed with him , afraid to leave his side . Mariana volunteered to care for Alicia , assuring Antonia that it was no bother . Alicia was like the child she had never had . Antonia knew how much Mariana loved children , and that her friend would take excellent care of Alicia . She also knew that Mariana had her own house and husband to care for . Alicia 's mother wanted to object and say to her friend , " No , Mariana , you do too much as it is . " Having no other recourse , Antonia thanked her friend and accepted her offer . Mariana moved in with Alicia . With great difficulty , she convinced her husband , Luis , that it would be easier to sleep on the sofa and care for Alicia in Antonia 's apartment , than to bring the child into their one room apartment . Reluctantly , Luis agreed . Every day Antonia came to see if everything was all right at home . During each visit , Antonia was extra careful to appear cheerful in front of her daughter . The first day she had come home to find Alicia crying , and Mariana desperately trying to comfort her - to no avail . " I do not know . She keeps on saying that Manolo is dead and that it 's her fault . I keep telling her it 's not true , but she does not listen to me . Without waiting for Antonia to answer , Mariana retreated to the kitchen , where she heated the sancocho she had made that morning . She could not hear what they said to each other in the living room - although she was careful not to make noise . After what seemed to be a long time , Antonia came into the kitchen , alone , and sat at the table . She pushed away the plate that Mariana had placed in front of her . Quickly , Mariana stopped what she was doing and sat down opposite Antonia . In a small voice , she asked , " What 's wrong , Antonia ? Was it something I did wrong ? " " No , Mariana . Don 't even think anything like that . It was nothing you did . We are so grateful for everything you have done for us . " The first week after Manolo 's hospitalization , Mariana had kept Alicia home from school . The following Monday , the truant officer came to the apartment . He informed Mariana that the child had to go to school , or the parents would go to jail . Because Mariana 's English was poor , Alicia translated . When the child heard the truant officer 's threat , she started to cry and was unable to translate . Seeing Alicia 's distress , Mariana demanded to know what the man had said . When Mariana insisted , Alicia cried harder . Finally , between sobs , Alicia translated what the truant officer had said . Because Antonia was her dearest friend , Mariana felt it was her duty to walk Alicia to school and pick her up every day at three o ' clock . When Antonia found out , she smiled and thanked her friend , explaining that it was not necessary . Alicia was old enough to walk alone . Mariana returned her smile , and nodded her head . Then she thought about all the dangers on the street , and her smile disappeared . Mariana replied that she would never be able to live with herself if something bad happened to Alicia . " You have to be very careful with girls . " she said . " I care for her as if she were mine . " Mariana threw back her head and squared her shoulders . " But what if something happens to you ? What will I tell your Mami then ? No , honey , you are a young lady , and young ladies always must have someone with them - to keep away the títeres . " " When your mother comes home , you ask her . Meanwhile , I must walk to school with you . Unless you want Tío Luis to walk with you , instead . " Alicia gulped ; things were going from bad to worse . She was fond of Tío Luis , Mariana 's husband . Each time he came to visit , he always brought a small bag of candies for her - and he told such funny stories . Walking her to school , however , was not a good idea . Tío Luis was even more old - fashioned than Manolo . He , too , believed that girls had to be protected from everything . To make things worse , Tío Luis had a terrible temper , and the slightest hint of disrespect inflamed his passions . Thinking about what could happen , if the boys in the playground teased her , just once , Alicia shuddered . It was best to keep Mariana 's husband out of the picture entirely . Horrified at what she had done , Alicia turned her back on Tony Rossetti 's bloody nose and ran to the girls ' room . She washed her hands and face with cold water . For the remainder of recess , she sat on the toilet , wondering what awful punishment she was going to get . She did not know how she was going to explain what happened to her mother , and , of course , to Mariana . Alicia groaned . Mariana might now insist on sitting by her side in class . Alicia held her head and wished she were dead . When the teacher asked what had happened , no one would tell , not even Tony Rossetti . He insisted he had merely fallen . The kids in the playground continued to tease her , but no one ever got too close again . Alicia , they said , had a mean punch . " This is America , silly . No one wants to be a tattletale . Besides he 's had it coming for a long time . All the girls think you are wonderful . You have to teach me how you did that . " The girls ran quietly down the hallway , and slipped into the open backdoor of the classroom . Mrs . Harrison was busy looking for her glasses on her desk , and she didn 't notice the two girls enter . When Mildred and Alicia were seated Mary Ellen stood . Everyone grinned , but no one laughed aloud . It was against the rules . Mrs . Harrison was strict and often said that laughter had no place in the classroom . The class remained silent until , Mike , with the red hair and freckled face , snickered . The entire class erupted with shrieks . Too experienced to be unnerved by the sudden and inexplicable bedlam , Mrs . Harrison put on her glasses , pulled out her grade book and stared at the class . Without a word she restored order with a slight tilt of her gray head and barely raised eyebrows . It was a skill any drill sergeant would envy . Alicia opened her social studies book to page one hundred twelve . Ordinarily , she loved reading about other countries ; that afternoon , she could not concentrate - not while she was so happy . This had to be one of the best afternoons in her entire life . Luckily for Alicia , Mrs . Harrison did not call on her once that afternoon . Undisturbed , she was able to daydream , looking out of the sixth - story window at the East River and the boats gliding over it . When the bell announced the end of the school day , Alicia was almost sorry . She gathered her books and went outside . For the first time since Manolo had been taken to the hospital , Mariana was not waiting for her at the close of school that afternoon . Alicia did not know what to think . It seemed odd that on this one afternoon , suddenly , and without warning , Mariana was not there to follow her home . Alicia frowned ; it was not like Mariana . The child 's first thought was that something might be wrong , but the girls in her class kept distracting her by asking her to stay and play for a while . Because Mariana had forbidden her to walk home alone , Alicia set aside her concern . It was a great opportunity to play after school . The girls even gave her first turn on the swing . Alicia celebrated with a huge smile . This was the perfect ending to a perfect day . Holding tightly to the long chains , Alicia sat gingerly on the swing . Mary Ellen pushed her to get her started . Suddenly , Alicia felt a strange tickle that started in her throat and ran down between her legs . It felt wonderful . Alicia made the swing go high , so high she could see over the fence . She threw back her head , stretched out her legs , and allowed the breeze to slide over her body . For once she did not worry about her skirt riding up beyond her knees , or that her hair was tangled , or that Tony Rossetti might steal her books to get even . It was her time just to love the sky . It was so blue , so beautiful . It was easy to lose track of time and Alicia did not worry again about Mariana 's absence until the girls in her class started leaving for home . Their squeals of laughter filtering through the playground gate , they drifted out into the streets radiating from the school . With a huge smile on her face , Alicia picked up her books and went home , alone . Once out of the playground she began to worry about getting in trouble for staying after school , but it was Mariana 's fault for not coming to fetch her . A sudden frown crossed Alicia 's face ; maybe , Mariana had gotten sick , too . Imagining that something terrible must have happened , Alicia ran all the way home . " Oh , thank God that you are safe . " Mariana was out of breath . " I am sorry that I kept you waiting , Alicia . There was so much to do that I lost track of time . " Alicia grinned . " That 's all right , Tití . I told you I could walk by myself . At first , I waited just like you said , but then I came home - cause it was so late . " " Pobrecita . I am so sorry you had to wait all alone . You were a good girl and you did exactly the right thing . I guess you really are growing up . " Hearing Mariana 's praise , Alicia grinned . What a great afternoon . Her smile grew broader until it hurt to smile , but she could not stop . It had been a perfect day - and she would not even get in trouble for it . Alicia looked at Mariana 's chocolate brown eyes . For the first time , she noticed how Mariana 's thick black lashes gleamed in the late afternoon sunlight . They looked as if they had been buffed and polished with the floor wax that Mariana used so expertly . Alicia giggled at the thought of Mariana polishing her lashes . She looked at them again . It was true ; they were shining . They were wet . " Tell me now , Tití . " She tried to push away from Mariana , but her mother 's friend held her firmly . For such a small , woman , she was surprisingly strong . " That 's wonderful news , Tití . So , why do you look so sad ? " Free of Mariana 's grip , Alicia ran up the stairs two at a time . " He must be all better now . " " Stop asking that . " Mariana grabbed her by her shoulders and shook her , not hard , just enough to make her point . " Every time you ask that question it 's like putting a knife in your mother 's heart . " " And I am sorry , too , for raising my voice . I guess I am just tired . Don 't let your mother know what I said . " Mariana wiped the corners of her eyes . " She wants to tell you herself about your Papá Manolo , but I couldn 't let you go in there not knowing anything at all . He looks so awful . " Alicia pulled at Mariana arm . " Please , Tití , don 't get mad , but you must tell me . Is he going to die ? I have to know . " Mariana looked down at her shoes ; every muscle in her body was tense . " Do not ask me such things . " she replied , forcing the words through her teeth . " What is wrong with you , child ? Why do you insist like this ? " Mariana shook her head . " I do not know if he is going to die . " " Only God knows . " Mariana crossed herself . She always did that when God 's name was mentioned . " You ask Him and maybe He will tell you . Don 't ask me that ever again , or your mother either . Do you hear me ? " " Come on , Alicia . Be a good girl . Let 's go to my apartment . You can use the bathroom , and you can have milk and cookies , while you wait for your mother to call you . " Alicia and Mariana walked up to her fifth floor apartment in silence . For the first time in her life , cookies failed to cheer Alicia . Noticing how quiet she had become , Mariana worried that she had been too severe with the child ; she kept asking Alicia if she felt well . Each time Alicia nodded her head and looked away . After the fourth time , Alicia pretended she had much homework , so that Mariana would not talk to her so much . Antonia heard her name called . She looked up and saw , Cármen Sánchez . Antonia groaned . Cármen Sánchez was the last person she wanted to talk to at the moment , but , not wanting to be rude , she opened the window wider . Cármen Sánchez lived on the top floor of the big apartment house on the next street . It was a large and airy apartment , but no one envied the climb to the fifth floor . Cármen Sánchez told everyone that she did not mind the climb . It was good exercise , and besides , she liked the view . Mariana said the only view that old Cármen Sánchez had , was the insides of all the apartments of all her neighbors . Everyone agreed ; living on the top floor allowed Cármen Sánchez to snoop at her leisure . Whenever any one new moved into the neighborhood , Mariana made a point of welcoming the newcomer . When she introduced herself , Mariana , warned the new neighbor to keep the window shades pulled down tight . She explained that a certain , nosy old woman , found out every secret and told every thing she knew . Everyone laughed , but they quickly learned to follow Mariana 's advice . Antonia waved her dish cloth at Cármen Sánchez . No matter what Mariana said about the old busybody , Antonia always went out of her way to be pleasant . After all , her husband 's sister was an old friend of Manolo 's family . Before answering , Antonia first checked to see that her daughter was no longer at the window . It was closed . Mariana was probably walking Alicia home at this moment . " All the more reason for me to make my asopao . It 's almost like medicine . I will start cooking now and I will bring it tomorrow . Do not worry ; I will not stay . I will just bring you the asopao . Give it to him , and you will see how quickly he will get well . " " Por nada , mija . Por nada . I will also bring my famous tea of milk and jenjibre . He will be well in no time . I guarantee it . " Antonia was grateful for the darkness . It hid her both her dismay and her amusement . She closed the window again , and pulled the shade down , all the way to the bottom , before laughing out loud . " A praying party ? " What was the old woman thinking ? Well , she meant well , anyhow . Antonia laughed even as she rushed to the bedroom to check on Manolo before Alicia got home , and started asking her many questions . Usually it was Alicia , who led the way , while Mariana huffed and puffed to keep up the pace . This time , the child trailed her Tití Mariana , listening to her long string of cheerful phrases and flowery reassurances . Her mother 's best friend was too cheerful . It bothered Alicia . Alicia had nearly knocked down the water bowl . Her mother always kept a bowl of water by the front door . It was a custom Antonia had brought to New York from Puerto Rico . Fresh water by the front door prevented evil spirits from entering the house . Each time Antonia cleaned the bowl she threw away those evil spirits trapped in the water . In this way she protected her family . The water bowl by the front door was almost as important , Antonia had once said , as the Crucifix above their beds . Mariana 's short , chubby fingers skimmed the rim of the bowl . Alicia noticed the small ceramic bowl Antonia always used , had been replaced by a beautiful , clear glass one . It was the one that Antonia usually reserved for holidays . Even in the dim light of the hallway , it glittered like never before . Mariana breathed deeply and smiled . Alicia breathed deeply and coughed again . Every one said that Mariana loved to clean , and that the smell of disinfectant and furniture polish and ammonia were like perfume to her . Mariana 's hands were never empty ; if she was not cooking , there was always a dust cloth or a broom in her hands . Mariana giggled and shook her head . " His English is not much better than mine . You 're the only one who is the expert . You talk almost like a real americanita . " " I do not know , but they didn 't . Don 't ask so many questions ; you make my head spin . Anyhow , their food was going to kill him . He is better at home . " " Sleep is the best medicine . " Mariana put her arm over Antonia 's shoulder . " I have to go home . Luis will be home soon from work and he 's always starving when he comes in the door . Do you need anything else ? " " No , I didn 't . That chicken asopao came from Manolo 's cousin , Lucy . She carried it on the bus all the way from the barrio this afternoon . She must be a good cook ; just smelling it , makes me hungry . " " No , I can 't . What a wonderful thing to do . Everyone has been so kind . How am I ever going to pay back all that people have done for us ? Even the American family downstairs gave me an envelope with some money in it this morning . I didn 't want to take it , but they insisted . " " Well , now , he will get better , Antonia . You will see how in no time he will be jumping out of bed to take you to the Casino for a night of dancing . You will see . " Suddenly , Alicia felt tears slide across her cheeks and down her nose . Tasting their salt with the tip of her tongue , Alicia wiped her eyes with her fingertips , the back of her hands and with her sleeve , but the tears continued . She could not stop them . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
WARNING : This story may contain stronger material for more adult readers . I will edit it from the original HPFF site ( which accepts rated M fics ) to fit the ToS here on CoS , but it will still have content that may seem upsetting to others . Please be warned ! " Yes , " she said , tears falling silently down her cheeks . " Don 't you like me ? " he asked again , a tender finger trailing down her face and through her hair . " Yes , " she repeated , crumpling in his grasp , her tears turning into instant sobs . Hermione was standing in the doorway , smiling down at the red head laying on the bed before her . Harry and Ginny just left for the night and Hermione shut the door in Ron 's bedroom and made her way to him . At last , since that final day with Voldemort , Ron and Hermione were able to appreciate each others company . Ron sat up and patted the bed beside him to allow for her to sit next to him . Hermione refused the offer and instead sat on his lap and ran her fingers through his hair . His blue eyes were locked onto her brown ones and his smile was enough for her to believe she was sitting on top of the most gorgeous man alive . It made her suddenly aware of her dirty old blue jeans and , less than flattering on her , top Fleur let her borrow . It was silky blue with black buttons and hems . Something only a part Veela girl could pull off . " You 're beautiful , " he said without diverting his eyes from her . Hermione looked down at her hands , which were fumbling around in her lap . Ron lifted her chin so he could look into her eyes once more . Then he leaned in and kissed her , a favorite passing time of theirs . His lips were soft and smooth against hers , but her focus was on his hands tonight . One hand was in the crevice of her back , pulling her closer to him , and the other was still on her chin but conveniently out of the way of the kiss . Typically , Hermione would be the one packing right now in order to make these plans happen , but after a year away from Hogwarts she didn 't really have anything suitable to wear now . All she had left were a few tattered jeans and some shirts Fleur let her borrow . Instead , she spent the last week getting things straightened out with the Australian Ministry in order to retrieve her parents . It was going to be a lot longer than she would like , but it was worth it to get her parents back . According to the laws in Australia , any witch or wizard under the age of nineteen was not allowed to perform magic . Luckily , she only had a few months left until then , which was ample time to convince her parents that she was their daughter and they needed to come back home . " It isn 't going to be an easy task , you know that , Hermione ? " Ron asked once they woke up and she was putting on a different pair of jeans that she saved especially for this day . She nodded her head while she slipped another one of Fleur 's pale , pink tops over her head . " Are you sure you don 't want me to come with you ? " he asked , walking up behind her and placing an arm around her waist . She smiled and turned around , pecking his lips and then pulling away from his grasp to grab her wand and tame her hair . " Ron we 've been over this . . . " she said sympathetically . She would love nothing more than for Ron to join her , but she really needed this time to herself . After the last year of hunting Voldemort 's Horcruxes , it was time for some time to herself , along with the time to get her parents back . " I 'll miss you , too . All of you . " Said Hermione , genuinely sad that she would be leaving all of them , especially Ron . It wasn 't like leaving for the summer during school . It was different because now she would be leaving her best friend and her boyfriend . When she left , she would be leaving the love of her life behind even though she just got him . " Yes , well we have precisely ten minutes . Are you ready , dear ? " he was already standing and holding a hand out toward the fireplace . Hermione sighed and finished off her porridge quickly . Ron grabbed hold of her hand and walked her to his father and the fireplace . Everyone gathered round and gave her one last hug . " We 'll see you soon , " Harry said , hugging her right after Ginny . Hermione nodded and smiled faintly at him . She would miss Ginny and him almost as much as she would miss the company of Ron . " I love you , too , " she replied , hiding the tears forming in her eyes . She would have to get her parents quickly at this rate . She kissed him , more passionately than she had this morning , but not too passionately to embarrass herself in front of his family . " Well , I 've got to go , " she said , giving everyone one last look . Mr . Weasley gave her the floo powder and she took a handful of it . She threw it in and the the flames turned emerald , allowing her to step in . The last thing she saw before saying , " Australian Ministry of Magic , " was Ron watching as she left him . This was her least favorite way to travel , and she certainly didn 't think of what it would do to her only decent outfit . Hopefully , once she was at the Ministry , someone would be able to clean her off . Because of the age restriction , she wasn 't able to apparate in the middle of Australia . Even though her eyes were shut tight and she never opened her mouth , soot still managed to get all over her and in her mouth . At last the spinning stopped and she was able to stumble out of the fireplace , coughing and sputtering around . She didn 't realise an extremely sharp , pointed woman was watching her get soot all over the room . When she finally got the soot out of her eyes , she noticed the woman and stopped moving instantly , noticing the mess she was making . Hermione followed behind the unknown woman and looked around as they walked . The Ministry was not as mystical as their own , but it still had a bit of a magical quality to it . Instead of stone and brick all over , most of the walls seemed to be made of a dark , red wood . There were windows all over , peering into offices with people talking to fireplaces and others doing paperwork . It was truly fascinating how things were here compared to the Ministry back home , but she was already missing home because of it . " I have to talk to the Minister ? " Hermione asked , not thinking something like this would be that important . The woman didn 't say anything , but lead the way inside to give Hermione the idea she should follow . When they entered the room ( and the woman snapped at Hermione to close the door behind her ) , an emerald fire started in the fireplace and all of the sudden a rather large , bald man came into the room . His robes were a magnificent pink , and he wore a purple flower of some sort on his right breast pocket . Hermione could only assume this man was the Australian Minister . He , unlike Hermione , had no soot on him . She assumed it was because his fireplace was chained to a line of fireplaces used explicitly for floo , so there would be no real soot to ruin his clothing . " Ah , Mrs . Bertsong ! I see you have brought Miss Granger along with you . Just sit her down and I will get to her once I 've gotten some refreshments . I just finished my meeting with the Minister in Scotland , crazy man he is ! " said the bald man happily , turning to what looked like a liquor cabinet . " Miss Granger ? " the Minister finally turned , raising an eyebrow at her as he offered her an empty glass . She shook her head politely and he turned to put it back before sitting in his chair behind the desk before her . " Well , you are right on time ! " he sounded almost surprised and Hermione didn 't know if she should take this comment offensively or if that was just how the Minister was . " I am the Prime Minister of Magic here of this great , great continent known as Australia ! My name is Jon Tellers . " " Sorry , Min - er - Jon . I 'm sorry , " she said , " but what exactly am I doing here ? Did I do something wrong ? " She bit her lip , not exactly sure of what she could have done . " Wrong ? " Jon asked , surprised yet again and raised his thin , blonde eyebrows at her . " Why heavens no ! I just need to read you the terms of your stay here and remind you about our laws while you are here . " He said , chuckling at her ignorance . Apparently what Australia considered important and what England considered important were two different things . " Really , it isn 't as bad as it sounds , but there are rules you must follow , as you must know . " " How old are you , dear ? " Jon asked . Do they not have the files I worked so hard on ? Hermione thought , a little aggravated about the paperwork she bothered to fill out that was obviously of little importance to them . " Oh , so right after the summer finishes then ? How wonderful ! You will be staying here for the remainder of the summer , correct ? " he asked , and Hermione noticed he didn 't even bother to record her answers once ! She nodded her head yet again . " Oh , " she said , her temper rising slightly . Shouldn 't they warn her if they were going to record her ? " Yes , " she answered at last . " Why could the Ministry not restore my parents for me ? Maybe return them for me ? " she asked . It was a subject she had been meaning to ask Mr . Weasley back at home , but she was afraid she knew the answer . " Well , dear , that would cost quite a bit , " he said , too cheerfully for Hermione 's taste with the subject at hand , " and we 're not the ones who took some of their most precious memories away . Speaking of which , that was an incredible bit of magic , dear . Have you ever considered a career in the Ministry of Magic at home ? You would be of excellent use ! " " Excellent ! " he beamed . " Now for my last question . Do you promise that no magic will be used to undergo the spell you used on your parents and you will not speak of the magical world until you have reached the age of nineteen and have returned them safely home ? " " As of right now your parents have no idea that magic exists , therefore they do not remember having a witch for a daughter . If you tell them about the magical world , it would be just like telling any other Muggle about magic . It is mandatory procedure , Miss Granger . Surely you recognise this law ? " Now Hermione understood . That meant her prior plans were going to do her no good and it would take even longer to convince her parents than she thought . Having been the daughter of two Muggles , she didn 't think about how she wouldn 't be able to tell them she was a witch . How was she going to convince them that she was their daughter ? Hermione meant to come up with a counter spell for when this time would come , but it took so long to come up with a safe and proficient way of altering the obliviation spell so it wouldn 't wipe out their entire memories of their life , just her , that she didn 't have time before running off to find Horcurxes . At least she had something to work on before her birthday . But where would she work on it ? " Oh , " she said , thinking for a moment before answering . Maybe it would be best if I went home and worked on the spell . I could always come back once I 'm done , she thought . " Good day , Minster , " Hermione stood and nodded her head at him slightly . He laughed and waved her away without another word . At last , she was ready to see her parents . Hello ! I 'm Maelody , and these are my stories ! Check them out and review please ! Seven Years and Counting / Feedback , The Bravest Man I Ever Knew / Feedback , Dying : A One - Shot / Feedback , Just One Memory : A One - Shot / Feedback , A Thousand Years / Feedback , Australian Blur / Feedback , Spiders , Dragons , and Love : A One - Shot / Feedback , Inside and Under : A One - Shot / Feedback , Eun Ae : A Misfit 's Guide to Hogwarts / Feedback ! The house was small and white with rustic red shutters , and it was extremely out of place compared to the houses around it . There was a beach behind it which sprayed bursts of salty air in Hermione 's face with a little help from the wind . She had been standing in the sand , in front of the gate to this house for nearly an hour . She couldn 't bring herself out of the memories she was having . Both her mother and father , the two people who no longer remembered their only daughter , who she sent away so they would be protected , were in the house she currently stood in front of . All of these thoughts were running through Hermione 's head . Now was a time she definitely wanted Ron by her side . She probably would never have moved any time soon either if it weren 't for two extremely happy , familiar faces walking out of the house arm - in - arm . They almost didn 't notice her , but at the sight of her parents , Hermione gasped . The curly haired , tall and thin man who looked like he was close to his fifties or more spotted her . " Can we help you ? " he asked , stopping the just as old , mousy brown , bushy haired woman walking with him . He wasn 't firm , but curious about the stranger on his property . Besides the one year of separation between the three of them , her parents were very much the same . They had the same smile , laugh , wrinkles by their eyes , and healthy faces . The only difference was the slight Australian accent they carried and their slightly darker skin . " What a lovely name ! " Her mother expressed after a moment 's silence . She ran up to the gate to unlock it and welcomed Hermione onto their yard . " How may we help you ? " She smiled back at her husband , her red lipstick making her smile warm and beautiful . " I 'll call Robert and his wife , Jean . I 'll tell them that we 'll meet up with them for dinner instead . " Dennis said to his wife , retreating inside of the house and leaving the door open for Hermione and her mother to come in . This was exactly the reason why Hermione sent her parents away and wiped their memories entirely of the magical world . They trusted everyone too easily and would talk to anyone with a question . The thought of a Death Eater walking up to her parent 's gate made her sick and she felt better about her decision as she followed Jean into the house . The house was small and tidy on the inside . Hermione 's heart broke as she passed the pictures she used to be in , and a few new ones she was supposed to be in . There were pictures of Dennis and Jean exploring all of Australia all the while they had been living there . Australia was supposed to be the Granger family 's next summer vacation , but with the war at its peak , Hermione was not able to attend this extended vacation . Jean gestured for Hermione to take a seat on the floral couch that Hermione recognised as their sofa from their home in England . It was still just as comfortable as it was the year before . As a matter of fact , the entire home still had the comfortable feel of their English style house . It made Hermione miss the year away from home , but she smiled and took the cup of tea Jean offered her after making a run to the kitchen . It was cold tea , something the Grangers weren 't used to , but with the Australian weather , it was surely enjoyable . " It 's a bit of a long story I 'm afraid . " Said Hermione , holding her teacup in her lap to keep her hands from shaking . A bead of sweat dripped down the side of her face , not only from the unexpected heat of Australia , but her nervousness as well . Dennis came and joined Jean on the other sofa and wrapped his arms around her shoulders before placing a small peck on her cheek . He smiled at Hermione as he waited for her explanation for intruding on their prior plans . When the couple didn 't say anything back to her , she exhaled loudly and looked right at her mother , thinking that the connection between mother and daughter would help her explanation connect with them much faster . Hermione 's plan was simple enough . The couple may have their memories erased , but there was nothing Hermione could do about the scars that showed Jean Granger had given birth before . In their memory modifications she was able to erase their memories of her , but they knew they had a daughter somewhere out there . Unfortunately , they thought their daughter was abducted years ago shortly after giving birth in the hospital . Hermione only thought of that just in case here parents were discovered by Death Eaters , they could come up with a plausible story other than , " We don 't have a daughter . " She had done a bit of reading beforehand and found out that abducting babies with magical abilities born from Muggles was a fad right around the time she was born . " I work for the Child Protection Service in England where we finally got a hit on your daughter , Mr . Granger . " Hermione said with an amount of authority that would help them believe her . It hurt that they didn 't recognise that she looked exactly like the pair of them for them to question whether or not she was their daughter , but she supposed it was all a part of her spell . " How did this happen ? " Dennis asked while trying to relax his anxious wife . He wasn 't entirely convinced . This made things harder for Hermione than she would have liked . " Where are the people who took our baby girl ? " " They died , " Hermione said flatly . " She didn 't know she was abducted until after a car accident took who she thought was her parents . She then found out what had happened and decided to search for you two . She wants to meet you . " " Did you hear that , Dennis ? Our baby girl is alright and she wants to meet us ! " Jean was in tears now , but she was extremely happy and relieved by the news . Hermione grinned sheepishly as she waited for her father 's reply . She didn 't expect them to react this well . " You 're sure she wants to meet us ? " Dean asked Hermione with a warning glare . She nodded her head . " What are we going to do , Jean ? " " I don 't know , " his wife replied sadly for the first time . Hermione 's smile fell and she grew confused as to what had suddenly happened . " Our lives are here now , and I 'm sure she has a life of her own . What if she doesn 't like us ? " " I just opened up on my practice a couple of weeks ago . I can 't leave without any notice or at least trying to find a place in London . What if she 's not even our daughter ? " He directed this question towards Hermione now . She jumped in her seat and struggled for an answer . " Do you have a picture of her ? " Jean asked , looking at Hermione with hopeful eyes . Hermione cursed inside her head . Out of all the things she planned and all of the other things she had thought of , she never thought about bringing a picture . It was a simple enough task to get a picture of some girl , as long as she looked somewhat like the two adults before her of course , but she simply just didn 't have one that wasn 't of herself . " Then I 'm sorry , but until we see a picture of our daughter , we aren 't going anywhere Miss Greengrass . We 've met with a dozen other girls who the agency thought was our daughter and we 're tired of the rejection once we meet up with the young girls . That 's why we 're in Australia now . They thought they found our little girl somewhere up here a little over a year ago . We packed up and moved all the way over here for that young woman , but I would assume you know the results in that . " Hermione 's heart sank . She needed them to come with her to England . There she could restore their memories and they could forget about this whole useless story and be reunited again . " Please , Hermione , " Jean said gently , " just show us a picture . I 'm sure that if we saw her first before traveling , we would just know that it was our daughter . " Tears were streaking slowly down her face and she was holding her husband 's hand . Hermione wanted to cry as well , but she didn 't want to explain why when she did so , so she took a deep breath , stood up , and set her tea down on her table . " Our lives are here now , and we 're getting very old . As much as it pains me to admit it , but she is probably old enough to where she could do without us if she really wanted to . We 'll have to think about it . " When Hermione was far enough away from the house , she found a park bench to sit at and cry . Her own mother didn 't even recognise her ! She thought that maybe , after her name attracted so much attention , her mother would remember her daughter . That , however , was wishful hoping , and Hermione knew it . This trip wasn 't going to be easy , and even Ron warned her about it before she left . She was beginning to regret her decision on not letting him come , but she really needed this time to herself , too . After a year with two boys and a battle of the century , she really needed some personal time off . She missed her friends like crazy already , but she would have to make do . After all , she is Hermione Jean Granger , the strongest and brightest declared witch of her time . Hello ! I 'm Maelody , and these are my stories ! Check them out and review please ! Seven Years and Counting / Feedback , The Bravest Man I Ever Knew / Feedback , Dying : A One - Shot / Feedback , Just One Memory : A One - Shot / Feedback , A Thousand Years / Feedback , Australian Blur / Feedback , Spiders , Dragons , and Love : A One - Shot / Feedback , Inside and Under : A One - Shot / Feedback , Eun Ae : A Misfit 's Guide to Hogwarts / Feedback ! The key with a tag which read the number 8b on it was tossed on the table next to the door . Hermione 's plans to boost her parents ' memories didn 't exactly go as planned , but she hadn 't expected the first attempt to work either . Nonetheless , she gathered what few Galleons she had left and found the nearest pub . Fortunately enough they accepted her money , but she would have to convert her money the next time she made a payment . The owner seemed to be a Muggle , but her husband was a wizard so the the pub was littered with Muggles and magical folk alike . Hermione was reminded of the rules while in the presence of Muggles ( which honestly wasn 't that much different than those at home ) . When she finally got a full glance at her new apartment she grimaced . Surely even the small amount of Galleons she paid could have gotten her a better room , but the room was small and pathetic . A bed meant for a single person was against the far wall with a thin blanket stretched over it , and a few chairs that looked like they would cave in under Hermione 's thin frame were scattered around the room . The only other room besides the one she stood in was the bathroom ( which had no door ) . The Leaky Cauldron was much better than this place . Hell , living in a tent for the last year was better than this place . There was a couch big enough for two in the middle of the room and Hermione decided to sit on it to relieve some of her stress . A cloud of dust flew all around her and she began to cough and fan all of the dust away . She already had her wand pulled out before she remembered she wasn 't allowed to do magic . " Bullocks ! " Hermione cursed to herself . These living arrangements were going to be harder than she thought . She decided she would rest for a little while and clean up before going out to buy some new clothes . The plan with her parents may not be working out like she thought , but she may as well enjoy her time alone and tour all of what Australia had to offer . This pub was definitely not giving off a good first impression , however . Before getting too comfortable ( which was something hard to do in this place ) Hermione decided writing a letter to Ron would really keep her mind off of things . In her purse full of the few belongings she brought , she pulled out a parchment , quill , and ink . The materials were spread out on a side table before her and she began writing . I have not been here for twenty - four hours and I am already missing you unbearably . I think I may reconsider your idea of coming to visit me . I talked to my parents today , but they didn 't believe me . It is no surprise to me , but it was still heartbreaking to see that they did not recognise me as their daughter . How is everything at the Burrow ? Are Harry and Ginny fairing well ? It is so unbearably hot here - She stopped writing as soon as her last sentence came out . It was unbearably hot in the room , but she spotted no sign of an air conditioner . She wiped the sweat from her brow and contemplated between finishing her letter or going to take a shower . She chose the latter and left the unfinished letter on the table . The shower looked no better than the rest of the apartment . In fact , it had yellow stains and brown rings all around the porcelain interior and when she turned the knobs to turn the water on , it came out brown and in thick spurts . " Bloody hell , " she mumbled under her breath . If she could use her magic , she would fix this immediately . She though about grabbing her wand to do so ( who would really arrest her for fixing the water pressure ? ) but thought better of it and decided the water was cool enough to step in it for a few minutes and not a moment longer . Thoroughly disgusted with herself after taking a shower in brown , mucky water , Hermione stepped out of the cool walls of the shower and into the equally as disgusting bathroom . She had to get out of this place soon before she realised how much she despised herself for the whole idea of living here . Clothes shopping was the only thing to do right now that absolutely had to be done , so she grabbed her charmed purse and headed out the door ( hair still very wet ) . By the time she made it to a shopping centre , it didn 't matter if she left the apartment soaking wet . The sun was so blistering hot that her hair dried within minutes of leaving the hell hole she would be inhabiting for the next several months . Hermione was rather grateful for the heat at the moment , however . All of the girls that looked to be around her age were clad in incredibly tiny shorts , decorative tops with matching shoes , and enough make - up to pass for a tart . At least with her hair dried and pulled back , Hermione somewhat fit in ( minus the tart look ) . " Victoria 's Secret ? " Hermione read a sign above her out loud with a bewildered expression . She had never heard of the place , but by the looks of it , the store provided plenty of options in bras and panties . New underwear couldn 't hurt . Hermione thought , falling captive to the bright , beautiful varieties of underwear the plastic dummies wore . After all , she desperately needed new clothes in all areas . " What can I do fer yah ? " A tall , blonde woman , no , girl , offered Hermione . She was incredibly tan , which made her hair look out of place , and she had charcoal black eyeliner circling her bright blue eyes . Her smile would have been friendly enough , but she was smacking a piece of gum around in her mouth . She , like the rest of the girls shopping around , wore a pair of cut - off shorts and pink flip - flops . The only way to tell her apart from the shoppers was the bright pink top she wore ( that showed off far more tanned cleavage than necessary ) with a name tag that read : Hi My Name Is : Miranda . " I 'm just looking around , thanks , " Hermione answered hurriedly . She blushed and then turned around to leave the Miranda girl to help some other customer . Never having gone to a place like this before , Hermione was a little embarrassed . She saw things that would work perfectly fine under everyday clothing , and then she saw things that she knew Ron would beg on his knees for her to wear . With Ron in mind , she moseyed over to the lingerie section . It wasn 't until she was looking at an astonishingly tight , see - through undergarment with purple lace and fur did she see him . At first she thought nothing of him , but the man who was now skimming through a rack of lingerie had her fully aware of his presence . His hair was a dark , sandy blond with a few unnatural blue and red streaks in it . It looked almost unnatural , but if in the right light , very realistic . He was incredibly dark too , due to the years of hot , Australian sun beating on his back for the last Merlin knows how many years . Whoever this man was , he was most definitely hot ! Hermione thought everything about him looked as though he were born and raised in Australia , which meant he was everything opposite of the typical Englishman ( or just Ron ) . From his almost realistic , blaising fire hair and leathery , dark skin , to his muscular body and strong stride , Hermione was certain he was born and raised in the hot land of Australia . After ( what must have been far too long to openly admit ) staring at him , she began to wonder what he was doing here in a woman 's shopping store . After all , it wasn 't customary for a man to be looking at woman 's underwear . Then he spotted her . His green , flickering fire eyes found her out of all the other girls in the store . Wait ! Flickering fire ? she thought and took a double - take . No , there was no fire in his eyes . It must have been a trick in the light . A shiver ran down her spine as she noticed he was now beginning to watch her with a charming smile on his lips . He is shopping for his girlfriend . Hermione reasoned with herself , trying to focus on the lingerie before her . There is nothing wrong with a man wanting to buy his girlfriend a little treat . Wondering about her ' little treat ' Hermione took a look at the price . " Ninety - eight dollars ! ? " She said aloud , attracting the attention of a few other female shoppers around her . She apologised quietly and looked around to see if the man from earlier heard her , but he was no where to be seen . She reached into her purse and pulled out a few Galleons , knowing full well that a Muggle store would not take her money . What had she been thinking ? " They don 't accept that sort of currency here , " a deep voice from behind her laughed in her ear . Hermione jumped and tightened her fist around the Galleons before turning around to see the same man from moments ago standing behind her . He still wore his charming smile and his eyes widened in surprise . " Whoa there ! Didn 't mean to startle yah ! " he said , throwing his arms out to catch her by the elbows so she wouldn 't fall over . " Why that 's a British Galleon , is it not ? " he asked , never once breaking his smile , but his voice lowered so no one else could hear him . " Don 't worry , love , your secret is safe with me . " He winked , causing Hermione 's heart to beat quickly in her chest . Her grip on the Galleons lessened and she dropped them back into her purse . She suddenly became more aware of what he had caught her doing and she turned a bright scarlet colour . " I was just looking around , " she muttered , wishing more than anything to be somewhere else . " Yah fancy this purple one ? " asked the man , reaching behind her to pick the lingerie from the rack and dangle it before her . " I can get it for yah if yah 'd like . " " Is it for the boyfriend then ? ' Right then , you can pay me back later ! " he pulled the garment out of her grasp and gave her one last look before asking , " You sure this one 's the right size ? It looks a bit big . " " Ello , Miranda ! I 'd like to purchase this for the girl here , " he said , nudging his head in Hermione 's general direction . Hermione bowed her head , not bothering to look up in case Miranda pointed out how red she was . " That 's ninety - eight dollars , Hades , " Miranda informed him . There was something in Miranda 's tone that suggested she knew the man buying the lacy garment . When she called him Hades , Hermione 's interest spiked and she walked up behind him . " Of course , " Miranda said cheerfully . Hermione had a feeling that it was because of Hades ' presence . Her conclusion was proven correct when Miranda caught a glimpse of Hermione and glared at her from behind the counter when Hades wasn 't looking . " Here you go . I hope it fits , " Miranda was now directing her comments toward Hermione . " It looks a bit . . . snug . " " I think I can carry it back on my own , " Hermione said indignantly . The man may be cute , but he was beginning to blindly insult Hermione . " May as well let me carry it back for you ; we 're going to the same place . " He threw the bag over his shoulder and held the straps by the tips of his fingers . " How do you know where I 'm going ? " Hermione asked , her temper rising . She actually wasn 't done with her shopping , but she also had no money that would buy her anything , either . She was stuck in a rut and didn 't know which way to go , but she knew one thing for sure , and that was how Hades was beginning to seriously creep her out . " I followed you really , " Hades said , shrugging like it was no big deal . " Not in some creepy , stalker - ish way , by the way , " he added , noting the look on Hermione 's face . " You were leaving the pub I live at and after some time following you , I realised we were both heading to the same place . " " Why did you follow me in here , then ? " Hermione asked , realising that she was taking bigger steps just to keep up with him . Even though he answered her questions and she thought he was definitely a creep , she couldn 't help but think he was also somewhat charming . " I saw a pretty girl in front of me and lost all train of thought . " He flashed a smile at her and winked . When they were outdoors , his hair really seemed to have the illusion of being on fire . No doubt about it , this man was a wizard . When they reached the pub and climbed up the stairs , Hermione had already learned that his name was most definitely Hades , he 's living in the pub for the summer because he is on vacation , and he will be going back to Sydney once the summer is over . Hermione wasn 't so keen on sharing as much information , but she did tell him that she was here visiting her parents . " Is this it , then ? " he asked , looking at the door that read 8b on it . Hermione nodded and reached out for the bag he ended up carrying the entire walk back . " Aren 't you going to let me in ? " " I 'm not sure if that 's the best idea , " she said skeptically . Hades seemed to be alright , but Hermione could recall many people who seemed to be alright in the beginning and turned out not to be in the end . Besides , she didn 't exactly trust anyone named after the god of the Underworld . " I promise not to be a pest . " He stuck out his lower lip and made it quiver slightly so Hermione would fall for one of the most pathetically sad looking puppy - dog pouts she has ever seen . " Alright ! You can come in , but my parents will be by any minute to see me , " Hermione added the last part so he would not feel the need to stay long . She didn 't exactly trust him yet . " Deal ! " If half the things he said didn 't make her feel extraordinarily good about herself , she never would have let him in . " Most of us with a magical ability fix our places up . " Hades pointed out as he looked around her rundown apartment . " I 'm only eighteen , " Hermione informed him as she ran to the back of the room and stuffed her bag under her bed . " Ah , an underage , eh ? I can fix it up for yah if yah 'd like . Of course , there 'd be a price . " He winked at her and she began to feel the same way as she did at the store . She blushed and began to fumble over her words . " I - uh - have a , er , boyfriend . . . " Splendid , Hermione ! He is now the only person you know who thinks you 're a complete idiot ! She mentally scolded herself . " Ah , sorry . Didn 't mean anything by it . Just playin ' , " he said with another wink , but this time less seductive looking . Utterly lost at a way to transition away from this topic , Hermione decided to ask how old he was . " Twenty . Not too terribly new to doin ' magic on my own , but it is still excitin ' if yah know what I mean . " Hades said smoothly , letting his eyes scan the apartment again as he determined where to start . " I can 't imagine having to wait until I 'm nineteen to do magic on my own , " Hermione added , hoping to keep their conversation going and stay away from any awkward silences . " How old do you have to be back home ? " he asked . " This to the boyfriend then ? " Hades asked , losing interest in their previous conversation and now focused on the parchment on the table she had left before taking a shower . " Oh ! Yes ! I , er , got too hot before I was able to finish it , " Hermione said lamely , unsure as to why she informed him of that . He didn 't really need to know why she stopped writing the letter . In fact , he probably didn 't even care . More than likely he was beginning to get bored with her and trying to find an excuse to get out now . " What 's his name ? " " I - erm - What ? " Hermione asked , confused as to what he could possibly mean . " Only jokin ' ! ' he forced a laugh from the back of his throat and Hermione laughed nervously with him . " Oh , " she said , beginning to find his behavior extremely odd now . " You 're a pretty little thing when you blush . I 'm not jokin ' . " He then said , stepping closer to her and looking down at her . Hermione wasn 't even aware that she had been blushing . Now that she thought about it , she could feel the heat on her face as he stepped even closer to her . " Thanks , " she said without hesitation . She was fully aware that she wasn 't acting like herself , and she was beginning to feel bad for Ron . She wanted him with her now more than anything . He would help her get rid of this man in her apartment . In fact , he would never have put up with the man buying her lingerie in the first place ! " I can see I 'm makin ' yah uncomfortable . I should go , " he said , his face entirely too close to her own . Again , Hermione hadn 't even noticed his actions before he pointed out what was going on . She tried to find the words in her brain to assure him she was alright . " I 'm not uncomfortable ! You can stay ! " She slapped her hand over her mouth . Would she honestly be saying these things to a stranger she just met ? Hades smirked and put his hand on the doorknob . " Don 't fret . I only live one floor up . From the looks of it , I may be exactly above this room . Feel free to drop by some time . It gets a bit . . . lonely up there . " He winked at her again before turning to make his leave . " Don 't you have a girlfriend ? " Hermione blurted out before she could stop herself . She wanted more than anything for this man to leave , but she also had this burning desire for him to stay . " No ! " Hermione snapped , happy to gain some of her self control back . She couldn 't help but feel that her behavior would hurt Ron if he ever found out what she was doing . " No worries . Someone as ridiculously good looking as me doesn 't have a girlfriend . Yet . " He added his last word with a sense of mystery in it . It was almost as if he were hinting something at Hermione , but she didn 't know exactly what it was he meant . " Well , I better get going . " " Wait ! " Hermione said , again catching herself off guard . She wanted to slap her hands over her mouth and never let go until he left for real , but she decided not to make such a spectacle of herself and gain some of her self control back before she lost too much dignity . " Let me walk you out . " She finished lamely . He was already at the door , but that didn 't stop her from coming over and opening it to show him his way out . " Until next time , my dearest Hermione . " He bowed and took her hand , placing a small peck on the top of her hand before stepping outside of her apartment . " Oh ! Er , right . Hades , " was all she was able to get out before rudely shutting the door in his face . It wasn 't until a good five minutes later was she able to sit down and think about everything that had just happened . What in the hell just happened ? She thought , slamming her hands against her head and pulling her hair back . A tear ran down her face as she looked at the letter before her and thought about Ron . " Bloody hell ! " she said , guilt sinking into her . She had no clue of what she just did . Was it technically cheating ? She decided to finish the letter tomorrow and go to bed to clear her mind . After a few more minutes she was able to think clearly on exactly what she thought of Hades and decided next time . . . Well , there wouldn 't be a next time . Hello ! I 'm Maelody , and these are my stories ! Check them out and review please ! Seven Years and Counting / Feedback , The Bravest Man I Ever Knew / Feedback , Dying : A One - Shot / Feedback , Just One Memory : A One - Shot / Feedback , A Thousand Years / Feedback , Australian Blur / Feedback , Spiders , Dragons , and Love : A One - Shot / Feedback , Inside and Under : A One - Shot / Feedback , Eun Ae : A Misfit 's Guide to Hogwarts / Feedback ! A few days had gone by and Hermione was finding her time in Australia to be much worse than she could ever imagine . With the creepy feeling she had toward Hades she steered clear of stepping out of her apartment unless she absolutely needed to . She finished Ron 's letter , allowing herself to admit that she really did miss him and that a part of her wished that she would have allowed him to come , and sent it away with the request that he send her a picture of herself with a few alterations so she could give it to her mother and father . Of course , England and Australia are very far apart and it would take any owl a matter of days to deliver and receive a letter . She cursed silently at the fact that she couldn 't just alter a picture herself because of the age restrictions . Since she didn 't take Hades ' offer of friendship , her apartment was still grimy and terrible looking . Most days she just spent lying in her bed and looking out the window . It had a remarkable view for something so awful . She could see crowds of people when she looked down just walking around with shopping bags and sunglasses . Most of them had cell phones and were talking quickly while a few of the others were texting on them . Of course Hermione had no real need for a cell phone because none of her friends were Muggles , but getting one would probably be a good idea so her cover of Miss Hermione Greengrass would pass to both Dennis and Jean Granger . She wouldn 't be surprised if they thought she was pulling their leg since she never gave them a number to contact her with . Then again , they never asked either . While Hermione stared out the window , a small speck that vaguely resembled an owl flew straight for what looked like her window . Her suspicions were proved correct once the owl got closer and actually reached her window . She slid the window up to make an opening for the small owl . It was Pig who delivered what looked like three letters . No wonder it took so long to hear anything from them . It 's been nearly a week and a half . " Why didn 't he just use the owl I sent ? " she muttered to herself . Pig heard this a nipped her finger painfully . He must have thought Hermione wasn 't grateful for his service . " Ouch ! Pigwigeon ! " She scolded , immediately drawing her finger to her mouth even though there was no blood . Hermione left the owl on her window seal and sat back in her bed to read her letters . Saving the best for last , she read Harry 's first . How 's Australia ? I hope everything is going well with your parents . Ginny and I have had to stop Ron all week from leaving to visit you . We know how much you want to be alone right now . Ginny says hi by the way . Oh , never mind , she 's gone off to write a letter to you herself . I just wanted to check up on you . Don 't be a stranger . Hermione was smiling by the time she reached the end of the letter . She set it aside and promised to reply to it as soon as she read the other two . The next one , of course , was from Ginny . Hermione , I hope you opened my letter before Harry 's ! Or else we 're not friends anymore ! Okay , so I 'm only joking . . . Hermione frowned as she finished the letter . She didn 't know what she was expecting . It was just like Ron to send something so short . She dropped the letter in her crossed lap and examined the small still of her altered self . She was thankful Molly had thought to make the photo a still since Hermione had completely forgotten to mention it . The picture showed Hermione with a tamer , more brushed look , and her skin was fairly darker and freckled . The picture was taken shortly after their return home so Molly probably didn 't have to do much to the skin at all . Hermione 's nose was also switched from the one she inherited from her father to one that slightly resembled her mother 's more . Molly even went so far as to add two very prominent bucked teeth like Hermione had before the Yule Ball in fourth year . The picture definitely differed from her current resemblance , and despite how much she despised being reminded of her teeth , she loved every aspect of the picture . It was the key to getting her parents back . She held the small picture to her chest and a tear grazed down her cheek . Then , unexpectedly , there was a knock at her door . " Who is it ? " She asked , wiping the tear from her face and staring alarmingly at the door . A part of her hoped Harry and Ginny had failed and the reason Ron 's reply was so vague was because he had come to see her . Bullocks ! she cursed to herself . Now he knows she 's home . Why was he coming to bother her now ? Since he left after the first time they met , he hadn 't bothered to come to her apartment and she had done the same . " For an hour ? " Hades questioned , though she could tell he was losing patience . " Look , I only want to come in for a minute , yeah ? I have something for you . " " I was beginning to think you didn 't like me anymore , " he said before sauntering past her and welcoming himself into her apartment . " I brought you a present . " Sure enough , there was a bag in his now extended hand that read Victoria 's Secret . Hermione started to feel a bit queasy as she reached for the bag but didn 't bother to look inside . " Oh . Right . " Hermione looked at the bag uncomfortably before pulling at a visible hanger at the top of the bag . As the outfit connected to the hanger became visible , Hermione frowned and Hades helped himself into her bathroom . On the hanger was a very skimpy , very small , French maid lingerie outfit . Not very happy at all , Hermione threw it back in the bag and made her way to the bathroom herself . " What makes you think that is an appropriate gift to give to someone you hardly know ? " She barked once she reached the door of her bathroom . She had caught Hades with his wand out and tinkering with her shower head silently before he turned and grinned at her . " Your shower should be fixed now . No more brown water . I 'll have a look at the rest of the place , yeah ? " He ignored her and then made to move past her . Hermione moved to the side and allowed for him to do so , but she was still upset . " Relax , darlin ' . It 's for the lad at home . I just thought you 'd like to have a little variety . " He winked , but she couldn 't help but notice that same familiar glint in his eye like the one he had the first day she met him . Again she had to convince herself that it wasn 't really flames dancing in his eyes . It was a trick of the lighting . She felt herself relax more and decided to accept Hades ' gift . Even if she did find it very unfitting , the least she could do was drop it and offer him a cup of tea . " Well , it 's definitely a bold gift . Would you like some tea ? " She asked as she headed to the part of her flat that was supposed to be the kitchen . Hades chuckled and accepted her offer . To her surprise , when she turned the water on , it was clear as well . Apparently he messed with the whole tap system . She set the kettle on the cooker top and leaned against the wall , folding her arms . " You look right crossed with me , " Hades said once he finished waving his wand around and fixing her place up , but a smile was still planted on his perfectly handsome face . She had to admit , it looked far better than it did before . Something she would almost be proud to live in . " Why are you doing this ? " She asked quickly , feeling her temper rise again . It was almost as if something about his presence made her absolutely bipolar . One minute she was afraid of him coming near her and angry at him for giving her inappropriate gifts , and the next she was forgiving him , only to be angry with him for being far too inappropriate again . Hades swaggered toward her and she felt her body stiffen as he approached . She put her arms down and immediately backed into the wall . It was odd behavior for her , but he was so close and her wand was in her bag next to her bed . Since she didn 't need it , she found no use in carrying it around in case she accidentally grabbed it and conjured the simplest of spells . " Well , I think it 's no secret that I like you , Hermione , " he said as he got closer . " What 's the harm in me being nice , eh ? " When he spoke this time , he was right in front of her and had both arms on either side of her head . He was looking right into her eyes again , and this time she could really see that there was something different about his eyes . There were tiny little red and blue flames dancing in them , and she was absolutely memorized by them . The magic behind them , and the beautiful embers in themselves had her absolutely captivated . " You do appreciate my help , don 't you ? " " Y - yes ! " She stammered , not able to look away from his eyes . He cocked his head and grinned . His perfectly straight , white teeth were showing and deep inside it reminded Hermione of an almost manic gesture . One of his arms left the side of her head and his hand reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of crumpled parchment . " Is this from him then ? " He asked , flipping the letter she now recognised as the one she received from Ron in his hand so she could see Ron 's name . She wasn 't able to speak , however . Instead , she just nodded her head . She hadn 't even noticed that he picked the letter up . " And these ? Are these from you friends ? " Hades asked , taking two other letters out of his pocket that belonged to Harry and Ginny . They were ripped and crumpled more than they were when she squashed them earlier . He must have just stuffed them in his pockets . Again , Hermione could only nod . What 's happening to me ? she wondered on the inside , and she could hear her usual cynical self on the inside . Why can 't I stand up for myself when I speak ? She wondered again , but Hades put his other hand on her cheek and stroked it with his thumb and all reasonable thought left her mind . " Have you written them back yet ? " He asked , though this time Hades looked around the room instead of in her eyes for the answer . She knew what he was looking for . Pig . When she looked around him , there was no sign of Ron 's small owl . He must have flown off when Hades first arrived . Now she definitely won 't be able to reply until Ron sends her rented one back . " N - no , " she stuttered in reply , but her voice was stronger and she could feel herself gaining control again . Hades turned on her and his eyes were full aglow with flame . The sight scared Hermione so incredibly that she screamed and only seconds after that tears were streaming down her face . " Good . " He said , and out of the corner of her eye , she could see the letters turn to flame in his hand and he then dropped the ashy contents to the floor . Then , without warning , he began to lean forward and inched ever closer to her face . Hermione shut her eyes tight as tears fell but she couldn 't move . Then , just as his lips made contact with her cheek , the tea kettle began to whistle and she let out a little scream . Hermione jerked out of her seat with a jolt and screamed . There were tears streaming down her face and she was shaking from head to toe . She looked around her apartment and noticed that it most definitely was clean , but there was no Hades . It was still day time , and her tea kettle was screaming on the cooker . She wiped the tears from her eyes and went to take the kettle off . She poured herself a cup and decided to sit back down in her bed . It was there that she noticed a letter sitting right on top of her duvet . She quickly grabbed at it in hopes that it all really was a dream and this was her letter from Ron . Her heart dropped and her hands and face went cold when she realised it wasn 't . I came by to fix the apartment up for you . You seemed awfully tired so when you fell asleep I decided not to wake you . I put some tea on for you so you 'd have something to wake up to . I hope you like the improvements ! " So he was in my apartment ? " Hermione asked , this time aloud . She looked around again and noticed that there was no Victoria 's Secret bag , no Pig , and no letters from Ron or her friends . She had been having a nightmare about Hades while he was in her apartment . If Hermione believed anything about Divination , she would have taken this as a sign . But , as her very reasonable brain would have it , she was safe , and nothing had happened . Hello ! I 'm Maelody , and these are my stories ! Check them out and review please ! 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As the sun was setting in the west , the creatures of the night began to get ready for the hunt . Who was he going to hunt tonight ? It had to be someone what was important ; he loved seeing his name in the newspaper . Just last month , after his last victim finally died , he was impressed that he finally got a name for himself . They called him " El Diablo " ; the devil . Little did they know that he was actually doing them all a favor . Those that he took care of were the kinds of people that should not be allowed to live anyways . Why couldn 't they see that ? Tonight was going to be a good night , he already had is prey in mind and all he had to do was find her . She was a wealthy business woman who was corrupt . She had taken millions of dollars from unsuspecting investors and pocketed it for herself . How did he know this ? He had his ways . He could find out whatever he needed to in order to get his work done . The nights were getting colder and it was harder for him to move , due to a war injury that he has gotten years earlier . He should have gotten the medal of valor then , but maybe after he was done with the cleansing of the city of all its corruption he would receive it then . Tonight his knee was bothering him more than normal , but he knew that he could not give up . He had to do the job that was at hand , otherwise he would not get the satisfaction of seeing his name in the newspaper and on the television tomorrow morning . No , it had to be done tonight and so it shall be . Grace was not use to having to make up as early as she did that Monday morning . It was almost as if she knew that there was going to be something big coming her way . There was no way that she could have anticipated what it was or when it was going to happen . She just knew that her alarm was not set to go off for another 3 hours , and yet she was laying in bed wide awake . She check to see if her Dalmatian , Big Ben , was okay or needed to be let out to roam the backyard , only to notice that he was curled up next to her with his head on her pillow and the rest of his body under the covers . " You are pitiful , you know that Ben , " she said . He just opened one eye , uninterested and sighed and fell back asleep . " How could I have ever expected that you could be a replacement for a man in my bed , " Grace stated . Big Ben had been part of her life , ever since her mom had passed two years prior . She hated to be alone in the house and so she had gone to the local SPCA and found Big Ben . He had only been a pup then , but he soon grew and started to take over his house as if he was the owner and not her . Since she was up , she figured that she might as well turn on the television and see what was going on at this ungodly hour . As she hit the power button on the remote control , the screen was filled with the look of horror from the reporter . " This is Becky Newman reporting from the scene of the horrific crime . It would appear the " El Diablo has struck again . There has not been an official statement made yet , but all signs are pointing to this conclusion . " Grace could not believe what she was hearing . This monster had started to overtake her town of Grangeville , Illinois . In all the years that she had lived here nothing this horrific had ever happened . She was not that naïve to believe that it couldn 't happen to her town , but there had never been a serial killer on the loose in this town before . Her private investigation business had kept her pleasantly busy , but it had always been for small stuff . A missing persons reportRead more ! As Grace looked towards the reception area she noticed the Chief of Police . " Wow , I have never seen him in person before , " she thought . He looked more handsome that he did on the television and he smelled wonderful . Why is it that she always is able to figure out what a person is like by the way that they smell ? She wasn 't sure , but it had never let her down before . She straightened her back and instinctively brushed her hair off of her forehead , as she walked closer to the Chief . " Hello , Chief Roberts , I am Grace Winters private investigator . How may I help you today ? " " I know who you are Ms . Winters , which is why I am here today . I am here to ask for you assistance in the case that we have at hand . I am sure that you are aware of the case that we are currently working on ? " " I believe so . Is it the El Diablo case ? " " Yes . Now I know that you don 't normally work on large cases and that this would be a first for both our department and yourself , but I think that once you hear what I have to say you will understand the importance of this collaboration . " " That is understandable Grace , may I call you Grace ? " he asked . She nodded . " As you will see as I explain what is needed from you , you are going to be a very valuable part of this investigation . There are not many people in the media that know who you are . No offence . . . " " None taken , " she said with a smile . Was that a twinkle in his eye that she saw when he called her Grace ? " Stop that , " she told herself , " you need to be listening to what he is saying and wondering how you can help him and not be worried about what he is thinking . " " The main reason that I am here today is because we want to know , or rather I would like to know if you would be willing to be part of the task force that I am putting together to catch this ' El Diablo ' character that is terrorizing our city . I can guarantee you only one this with this case , Grace , and that is that it will not be easy . There will lots of long hours that will be put in and it will take lots of patience . Is this something that you wRead more ! Jason Roberts could not believe that he had actually gone to Grace Winters . It was not normal for him to admit that he needed help . There was something about the way that she handled different cases that she had that was going to be very important to the case at hand . She was not well known or seen on the television as so many of the police force had been . This was how she was going to be so useful to him . He needed someone to follow the leads that they had without bringing attention to themselves . She already knew how to do that and therefore was going to be useful . Jason was looking forward to working with Grace . He was not sure what it was about her that made him excited to work with her . Maybe it was the fact that hardly anyone knew who she was and so she could do the undercover work that was going to be needed to crack this case . It also did not hurt that she was easy on the eyes . He did not know if there was going to be any chance to get to know each other , or if she would even be interested in getting to know him . He had hopes that she would at least enjoy the time that they were going to spend together because it was going to be a tough time and they needed to be able to work well together . The one thing that he knew for sure was that they were going to be working very close to each other . Jason Roberts had been Chief of Police for Grangeville for about five years now . In fact , he would be celebrating his fifth anniversary in just a little over a week . That is why this case was so important for him . The city had been asking the mayor to rethink about his appointment as Chief of Police . He had not had the best track record . It was true that he solved the cases , well most of them , with the help of the detectives and the men in blue but they were not always solved as quickly as the people would have liked . He always caught the man , or woman , that he was after . That was is motto , " Catch them and lock them up . " However , things did not always go the way that he wanted . With the increase of media cover of the Read more ! Grace had not lead an easy life . It was not easy to be raised by a single mother and also to have to take on all the responsibilities that were expected of her . She often felt that she had been jilted out of a childhood . As far back as she could remember , she was always expected to help around the house . It had not been fun , but she did realize that it was expected of her . Grace never openly complained to her mom because she feared the wrath that her mom might bring down upon her . Her mom had not been a bad person , but rather a woman that was constantly stressed . Her mom had had to work two jobs just to keep them in the home that they had . Granted it had only been Grace and her mom , but she wanted to be able to provide the home for Grace that she had started her life off in . Grace believes that it was more likely that her mom did not want to give up the home because of the memories that she had of her husband in the home . Grace 's father had been diagnosed with lung cancer even though he had not smoked a day in his life . It was not only three months after he had gotten his diagnosis that he died . Her mom had often told her that the only thing that kept her going those first few months was knowing that she was going to be having her . She often told Grace , " You saved my life . Without you I don 't know what I would have done . " The house that she had grown up in wasn 't much but it was home . That is why it had meant so much to Grace when her mother had given it to her on her 21st birthday . It was the best thing that she could have ever gotten from her mother . Even though she had been embarrassed to bring her friends over while growing up , she loved this house . It was her project to fix it up and to make it a place that still held memories but also was the style that she liked . Her life did not go the way she thought that it would be that was okay . Grace was in constant amazement of how her life has turned out with all the struggles that she feels that she had growing up . She has had her own business now for 4 yeaRead more ! It was quite exciting to realize that she was going to be part of the investigation and the process in which to catch " El Diablo " . This menace has been taking apart their city for long enough and it was time that it came to an end . It was a great honor to be asked by the Chief of Police to be part of his task force . Grace could not wait to find out who else was going to part of the team . She knew that whoever was on the team would be highly esteemed by the rest of the society , otherwise Jason would not have chosen them . As she got closer to the police station , her heart started to race . This was really happening . She couldn 't believe that her dreams were actually come true . She could not believe that all the work that she had put in to make sure that she was well known had not worked . It would appear that it was because of her not being noteworthy that she had been chosen to work so closely on this case . She had almost had the chance to work with the police two years ago when a case that she was working on turned in a manner that no one had expected or had seen . She had been trying to find Teresa Hardwick , 16 , who was a runaway ; at least that is how it appeared to her parents and all of those who were involved in the case . It had seemed that it was going to be an open and shut case . It was about two days into the investigation that the ransom note appeared on the door step of Grace 's office . It stated that if they wanted to see Teresa again alive that they needed to drop all search efforts and leave well enough alone . The next morning , Grace had turned this information over to the police and Teresa returned home , only to admit that she had written the note herself to try to get out of being in trouble with her parents . She thought that if she had been kidnaped and then returned home that her parents would not be as angry at her . It all worked out for the best , but Grace was not allowed to have the big career break that she had been hoping for . She was glad that the case had been resolved but she had wanted to woRead more ! As the harvest moon started to rise over the crest of the mountains , " El Diablo " was busy planning his next attack . He could not believe that he was still able to run and hide from the police so well . He had already killed three times and they did not appear to be any closer to figuring out who he was . Every night after the " cleansing of the wicked " he would wait until the body was found . He liked the exhilarating feeling knowing that he was so close and yet no one was able to figure out who he was . He was actually able to see what the investigators were looking for and make sure that he did not leave anything behind that would tie him to the ritual that he had completed . Of course , the public did not see what he was doing as something right . They saw it as a crime against the innocent . If only they could see it though his eyes , then they would know why it had to be done ; then they would understand him fully and applaud him for his efforts . He knew many of the key players in the investigation on a personal level ; at least he felt that he knew them . He had an unnatural need to know all of the people who were going to be involved in his life . Even though he did not want to have these people in his life , they were a necessity , without them no one would be able to hear his voice . He had watched the way that the Chief of Police was acting around the television reporters . Chief Roberts was acting as if it was a normal day on the job . He did not want to appear as if he did not have the situation under control . Of course , " El Diablo " knew that he did not have anything under control . There was no way for him to anticipate when or where or who the next attack was going to be upon . Once Chief Roberts figured out that this was not simply a murder case but rather a cleansing ritual maybe he would be able to get everything under control . Roger had not always been a vengeful man . He had been well liked in high school and looked up to while he played on the football team . He was not the best player but he did help his Read more ! William Young and Veronica Moore were waiting patiently for Chief Roberts and Grace to arrive . They had been waiting for about fifteen minutes before they finally had arrived . The two of them had not worked together before but they knew who each other was . It is always uncomfortable to be sitting with someone who you don 't really know . William did not want to have people ask him about where he had come from . He would always tell them that he was from Chicago and just wanted a change of pace of life but that was not entirely true . William had been a detective with the Grangeville Police Department for only six months but he already had a reputation of being hardcore . He would not put up with anything or anyone for any reason . He wanted everyone to know that he meant business . It was hard to move to a new town where no one knows you . He had moved from Chicago to restart his life . He didn 't want to have to remember what had happened to him in his other life . No one needed to know about that . At the age of 24 , he had already suffered greater losses than a person should in their lifetime . He was raised by his grandmother because his mother had been unable to take care of him . She had been a teenage mother and never really wanted to have him . His was grateful that his grandmother had taken care of him , without her he did not think that he would be the man that he was now . He had grown up in a well to do neighborhood but never knew that his grandmother had money . She always made him have a good work ethic so that he would always work hard . He was glad that she had raised him that way . When he was 19 he had fallen in love with the girl of his dreams . They had so many plans but he wanted to make sure that he had a stable job before they settled down . There was just something about her that made him realize that he was going to be happy with her . When he first met her she was a nurse at the local hospital . He had come to the hospital with his partner who had gotten shot in the leg while chasing an offender . It was not lifRead more ! With everyone gathered for the meeting Jason Roberts felt confident that he had selected the best people for the investigation . It was not going to be an easy task and it was also not one for the faint of heart . The tasks that they needed to complete were lengthy . They needed to be done quickly so that they would be efficient with their time . There was going to have to be visits to the morgue to see the autopsy photos and reports to see what consistencies could be found between the cases , and there was also the possibility of having to go on to the scene of the next crime if the person who was committing these heinous crimes was not found first . It is always hard to work on a case that there is no pattern . Of course , there is always a pattern of some sort or another . It is just a matter of finding that pattern and then using that information to the best of your ablility . Jason was very proud of the fact that he had thought to include Grace into the mix of people . Of course it didn 't hurt that she was easy on the eyes and to the ears . She had an uncanny way of putting a person at ease without them realizing it . She had an interview technique that could be matched by no other . She was a no nonsense type of woman who would always get the answers that were needed to be gotten however , the interviewee would not know what they were giving up the answers . She could coerce just about anyone to give up the information that they were withholding and that is what he needed . Once everyone was seated and the introductions had been made around the room , the real reason why they were there was put out on the table . The introductions went very smoothly as William and Veronica had already been waiting some time before Grace and Jason arrived . It was now time for them to get down to business . There was a person who was terrorizing their town and it was going to be up to them to find out who this person was . They also wanted to find out how they could stop them from doing it again . This did not appear to be an easy task as there waRead more ! When Roger had come upon Becky Newsome she did not know what had happened . He had found out where she lived and followed her to the gym . He knew that she always did the same thing at the same time every day . She was a creature of habit and it was that that was going to cause her downfall . As Becky went to the gym , on that Monday , he was waiting for her . He was standing by the door and opened it for her . As she walked by , he whispered , " I have some information that might give you a lead to the " El Diablo " case . " At hearing this , Becky turned around and faced him . " Really , I could really use that . I hate not knowing anything and the police are not giving out any information . " " Oh if you come with me and have a cup of coffee with me , I will tell you all that you want to know . I will let you ask questions and I will tell you all that I know . Now I won 't tell you how I know this information , but I will tell you everything you have ever wanted to know . " Becky could not believe her good fortune . She knew that if she came into the news station with information that no one else knew , she would be assured to win the Best Newscaster of the Year award . This was something that she had been trying to achieve for so long . She could not believe her good fortune . She really didn 't care who this person was , as long as they could help her achieve her goal . " Of course , I would love to have a cup of coffee . There is a coffee shop just around the corner . I will meet you there . " " Oh I hate the coffee there . I know the perfect place . Why don 't you just come with me ? I promise you that I am completely harmless . I will take you to the coffee shop and then when we are done with the interview , I will bring you back here . It shouldn 't take more than a half hour . " Becky wasn 't sure , but she did not want to take the risk that he would leave and not give her the information that she so desperately need . " That would be perfect . Let me get my pad of paper and my recorder from my car . You can bring your car over and I Read more ! She knew that everyone had a great work ethic but she had expected some laughter or joking while having their first meeting . She was use to a much more relaxed setting and that is why she had asked to have some time alone with the case files . She did not like the uppity attitude that she could sense from Veronica . She did not appear to have much of a personality at all . Maybe that was why she was such a hard nose in the courtroom . She didn 't know how to have fun so therefore she was all business and nothing else . How boring was that ? Once the officer had brought up all of the case files , Grace just sat there and tried to figure out where to begin . She didn 't know if she should start with the first victim or if she should look at all of them briefly and then try to decide who was going to be the best family to begin with . It is always hard to get a true sense of a person by paper alone , but it was that entire she had at this point and time . She was going to have to use her best instincts on what a person was truly like by just looking at the files . It has always worked best for her to use her instincts . So far they had not let her down and she certainly hoped that it would not start to now that she was working on a really big case . She wanted to show that she could play with the big boys . While looking through Vincent Ramos files she was surprised to find that there did not appear to be anything of value within it . It appeared that the first victim 's family had not even been interviewed , or if they had there was nothing in the files that indicated that . Grace felt that it was very strange that the next of kin would not be contacted and at least given a basic interview , because they could give the police at least an insight into the victim 's life . The police had gone to Vincent 's up scaled apartment , where he lived alone , and had found nothing of consequence . They found out that his parents live in New York , but the police had not even picked up the phone and did a phone interview . Grace opened up her noteboRead more ! Walking towards her car , Grace had a hundred different thoughts running through her head ; what if the interview did not go the way she thought it would , what if there was a reason that the police had not interviewed his parents . There were all kinds of unanswered questions . It was going to be up to her and Veronica to find out what those questions were and to seek out the answers . It was not always easy for her to come up with questions before an interview . She always liked to have a conversation with another person rather than having a bunch of questions that needed to be answered . That always felt so cold and clinical and she did not want to have that type of an interview with a victim 's family . On the drive back to her place , Grace had AC / DC blaring on the radio . She always thought more clearly when she could not hear herself talk . For some reason the heavy metal music was soothing to her . It helped to block out the sounds of other things and allowed her to focus on whatever she needed to think about . Today she needed to focus on what was going on in Vincent Ramos 's life when he was killed . What made him a target for " El Diablo ? " Was there a clear cut reason or was it just a random act of violence . If it had been the one and only murder by this monster it could have been seen as a random act , but there were now two other victims and there had to be some sort of pattern to their murders . The hard part of all of this was coming into the investigation while it was on going instead of at the beginning . Grace could not understand what had caused Jason to feel as if this task force was necessary . Yes he had said that he wanted to catch the murderer , but isn 't that what the police are there for . There had to be another reason behind him wanting to gather everyone . She realized that she did not need to focus on the reason why but rather the focus needed to be on finding out as much about each victim as she possibly could . When she arrived home , Big Ben was waiting at the front door for her . " You want to go ouRead more ! When Grace and Veronica met at the airport , it was obvious to both of them that neither one of them had gotten much sleep . They both decided that this case was more important that the sleep that they could get on the flight to New York . As they were waiting for their flight , Veronica decided that it would be best if they shared their interview questions with each other so they could sleep on the flight if they wanted to . Grace could have cared less because she knew that she would not be sleeping . She rarely slept when she was working on a case . There was too much anticipation with each lead that she would get on a case and it would not allow her to sleep ; she was always afraid she would miss out on something . " I think that it is going to be very important for us to bounce questions back and forth between each other , so we know who is going to ask what , " Veronica stated . " I would disagree , " Grace quietly said . " You see if you plan out a conversation , then there is no way to let things just happen . If a person knows that you are expecting a conversation to go a certain way , then they are going to be suspicious as to what your agenda is . " " And this is a bad thing ? " " Well of course it is a bad thing . We want this to be a conversation not an interrogation . " " I would disagree with you , " Veronica was now standing and almost yelling at her . " You see , if they think that we are just having a conversation then they might leave out some important information , but if they know that we are there to interrogate them then they will tell us what we need to know . " Grace sighed , " I would like to know exactly how many victims ' family members have you actually interviewed ? " " Well … . . actually none , " she cased down her eyes . " I have had to interview hundreds of people 's families when I am trying to find out all I can about them . It is not easy and it is simpler if they see it as a conversation then as the police asking them questions . The family tends to feel more at ease if they are not being considered a suspect . Do yoRead more ! Well Mrs . Ramos , I would like to start our conversation by asking you what it was like to have Vincent as a child , " spoke Grace . Veronica sat there next to Grace and tried to act as if this was the most normal setting to be in . She felt very out of place . She did not like it when people treated others unfairly and that is how she felt that the Ramos had done with their help . She hated feeling this way because she knew that everyone had the right to do what they were going to do as long as they are not hurting another human being . Mrs . Ramos wrung her hands and seemed quite concerned having to think about what Vincent was like as a child . This is kind of strange , thought Grace . I thought that most moms would love to recount what their child was like when they were younger . She reminded herself that not every parent had had an easy time raising their child ; maybe this was the case with Vincent . Grace gave Mrs . Ramos plenty of time to start talking , when she decided that maybe she needed some prompting . " Mrs . Ramos , could you tell me what was Vincent 's favorite sport to play when he was growing up . " " Well you see , I really didn 't see Vincent very much . He was gone to boarding school for most of his life . I did not want to really be bothered by having to raise a child . When he was at home , the nanny looked after him . I just gave birth to him , I didn 't really want him . It was his father who had wanted to have him . " Grace could not believe what she was hearing . How could a woman who had given birth to a child want nothing to do with the rearing of the child ? She wondered if this was going to play a part in what had happened to Vincent . She was sure that it was going to impact the way that he viewed the world . He probably knew that his mom had not wanted to have him and that was bound to impact him . Now the task was to find out how much it had impacted him . Grace wondered if she would be able to find that information out from his mother or if it would be more profitable for them to go and talk to his friends . Grace decided tRead more ! " El Diablo " could not believe his good luck . He was going to be able to actually stake out his next victims house before he was going to go in and take care of the " cleansing " that needed to be done . When he drove up to Ms . Tillerman 's house it was obvious that she was not at home . The car was not in the driveway and he noticed that there were two newspapers on the front porch . H knew that he needed to be careful about how he entered the house because he did not want to bring attention to himself . He wanted to make sure that he knew about the lay out of the house before he had to enter it and take care of her . He went around the backside of the house and noticed that there was a huge sliding glass door the would allow him to enter into the living room . When he went up to the door he noticed that it was locked but he thought that he could get it off its track . He rocked it back and forth and could not believe the fact that it actually worked . The sliding glass door came off of its track and did so very easily . As he entered into the house he could smell the sweetness of the cookies that Ms . Tillerman had made earlier in the week . He was surprised that there was so much of the smell left behind when it was apparent that she had not been in the home for the past two days . He looked into the kitchen and noticed that she had left some cookies in the cookie jar . He reached in and was rewarded by the wonderful taste of her chocolate chip cookie . How he had missed them . It had been so long and he could not believe that he was getting the opportunity to taste them again . After he had finished relishing a taste that he had not had in quite awhile , he started to look around the house . He wanted to make sure that he knew the layout of the house well enough that there were going to be no surprises when he returned . He went up the stairs and quickly noticed the master bedroom . He was happy to know that it looked quite the same as it had to him earlier in his life . He could not believe his luck to have found her . It was true that Read more ! On the drive to Manhattan , Grace tried to stay focused on the conversation that she wanted to have with Dawn . It was not easy with the thoughts and images that she had in her head from leaving the Ramos house . It did not feel like a home at all . She could tell that it was just a place to live and not really a warm inviting environment . It was not something that she was use to . Every time she entered another person 's home , she was able to figure out what their home life was like . This was a place that was not very warm and inviting and it scared her . She hoped that Dawn would be able to shed some light on what Vincent had been like so soon before he was murdered . " I want to try again , with me asking the questions and trying to have a conversation with Dawn , " stated Grace . She really didn 't care what Veronica said or felt about it but she thought that it would be a common courtesy to let her know what she was thinking . Even though Veronica never gave Grace any insight as to what her thought process was , it was the way that Grace was . She had been raised to give curtsey to everyone , no matter how they treated her . It was one of the things that her mother had instilled in her . Always treat others the way that you would want to have them treat you . It was not always easy , but it was what she had to do . " That is fine , Grace . However , if it doesn 't work then I will take over . I already have the questions that I want to ask her figured out and I think that I can find out everything that we want to know from her , " Veronica said with a snide smile . Grace could not believe that she was being forced to work with a woman who thought that she was the best thing that had ever happened to this case . Grace wanted to bring her down a notch but that hadn 't happened when they met with Mrs . Ramos ; she really was hoping that it would be different with Dawn . It was something that bothered Grace . She was so use to working by herself that it was quite hard to have to work side by side with another person ; let alone a woman . Read more ! |
A / N : Yet another K / 18 get together fic ( I have so many theories on the fab couple and I intend to write them all ) . Uh , I got an E - mail asking me to write a K / 18 lemon HAHAHAHA . Sorry to disappoint you but I couldn 't write a good lemon to if my life depended on it . But if someone else wants to write one for me . . . . . . ~ Deadly Beauty 18 sat on the roof of the small cabin in the forest contemplating her life . What 's am I going to do now , there 's nothing left for me . She thought to herself . 8 months ago life had been easy . Find Goku and destroy him that was it nothing more nothing less . But now 18 was faced with the question of ' What next ? ' . 17 seemed to have found the answer , he spent his day chopping trees , the reason for it 18 would never know , but has long as he was happy that was all that mattered . 17 was 18 's entire life , she was nothing without him everything she had been through , all the pain and suffering , 17 was the only being in the entire universe who had been through it too , he knew how it felt to be different . 18 sighed and slid off the roof , landing gracefully on the ground beneath her , which was covered in pine needles . Sure 17 and 18 had little brother and sister tiffs from time to time , but each knew how much they were cared for by the other . 18 looked off into the distance , but there were no signs of her brother , so she climbed the 3 steps to the house and walked inside . 20 minutes later the front door opened and 17 walked inside . He could smell something wonderful cooking and he licked his lips in anticipation . 18 had to be one of the best cooks on the planet , he didn 't care if hers was the only cooking he had ever tasted , it was fantastic and that was all there was to it . " But you don 't " said 18 as she made a face at 17 " you stink of sweat " . 17 lifted his arm into the air and sniffed his armpit . " Man you 're right , I 'll be upstairs if you need me " he said and he walked off " Does it look like it 's ready ? , " asked 18 , she was putting things on the plates with one hand an stirring something in a pot on the stove with the other . " Honestly 17 , you are so impatient , give it 5 more minutes " . 17 got up and set the table by getting out the cutlery , glasses and a bottle of water , by the time he had finished , so had 18 . She put the food down in front of 17 and he began shovelling it down like it was his last day on earth , it really was a disgusting sight . After dinner the twins did the washing up . " I don 't know , you saw them last not me " replied 17 . After much thought 18 finally decided that 17 had for once in his life actually had a good idea . She decided to go to the last place she remembered seeing any of them . Dende 's lookout . But it would have to wait until the morning , it was dark now and 18 wanted to get good nights rest before she left 18 landed gracefully on the island without making a sound , she tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear and took a look at her surroundings . Well , it certainly is very different out here , but where is Krillen . Thought 18 to herself as she made her way towards the house . Duh ! He 's probably in there , honestly 18 you 're so stupid sometimes . 18 walked up to the front door and knocked . She could here all sorts of weird noises coming from inside , but eventually a very sleepy Master Roshi opened the door . " It 's 10 . 30 old man , that 's not early and I want to speak to Krillen " . Master Roshi pulled the string on his robe tighter and walked off , leaving the door wide open . 18 peered inside the house , she was disgusted at what she saw . The place was an absolute mess , there was junk everywhere , she was surprised someone could actually live in there . Soon a very embarrassed Krillen came to the door , he was dressed in a pair of khaki cargo 's and a black tee - shirt . Man , does he look good in that top , I had no idea he was so well built . Hang on ! Where the hell did that come from ? Ok 18 , just take deep breaths and focus on the job at hand . " Uh , hi 18 , what can I do for you ? Sorry about the mess I try to keep it clean , but Master Roshi and Oolong just mess it up again as soon as I 'm done " explained Krillen . 18 shook her head and looked at Krillen . " Uh . . Er " Krillen stuttered , he could feel his face growing red . 18 growled and ground her teeth together . " Answer me god dammit , I haven 't got all day you know " she exploded . Krillen flinched and stood up . He didn 't know what to do , if he told 18 the truth she would probably kill him and if he lied to her , well he 'd probably end up dead in that situation too . " I guess I did it because , " He paused , searching for the right words " cause I thought you deserved a second chance " at least it was half of the truth . 18 rolled her eyes . Humans can be so infuriating sometimes , but look at him , so cute , there 's got to be something he 's not telling me . 18 growled at herself . C ' mon 18 , stop thinking like that , thoughts like that will make you soft . Krillen watched as 18 's facial expression changed several times , he didn 't know if he should be worried or not . Finally she looked down at him and Krillen could have sworn that he saw her smile at him . " Well I gotta go , catch ya later Krillen " said 18 and she blasted off the small island , within seconds she was just a mere speck in the sky . I hope he got the message . Krillen stood on the beach thinking about that last line . She said catch ya later , does that mean she 'll be back ? Na , what am I thinking , why would someone as beautiful as her be interested in someone as , well , short and bald as me . I mean she 's a walking goddess and look at me , I 'm , not much . Thought Krillen sadly as he trudged back inside the house to attempt cleaning up again * * * * " 18 , your minds really not on the job tonight is it ? " asked 17 . 18 shook her head and stood up , picking pine needles out of her hair , " sorry " she muttered . 17 was shocked , 18 didn 't apologise , she just didn 't , slowly 17 dropped out of the sky and walked over to his sister . " I think that 's enough sparring for one night , let 's go inside " he said , 18 didn 't reply , she just followed her brother inside the house . 18 went straight up to her room and layed down on her bed . The room wasn 't much , a single bed and a set of draws that was about it . But it did 18 just fine . Why can 't I stop thinking about him ? . I don 't know why I even went to see him in the first place , it was just plain stupid of you 18 , stupid stupid stupid . 18 sat up and threw her pillow at the wall , it didn 't help her feel any better . Slowly her thoughts drifted back to Krillen . " Krillen , what 's wrong ? " asked Master Roshi . Krillen pushed some food around his plate with his fork and sighed . " I don 't know Roshi , I guess I 'm just not hungry , " he lied . And your cooking tastes like poison . " I think I 'm just going to go outside " . Krillen stood up and left the table . Turtle was out on the beach and Krillen went and sat beside him . " Yeah , I wish it was just that easy . But don 't worry , I 'm not going to let this one escape , she 's the one I just know it and I 'm not giving her up without a fight " " Well good luck then " said turtle and he turned and left . Krillen lay down in the sand and let himself get lost in his thoughts of the beautiful android . Her golden hair and ice blue eyes . Yeah , it was her eyes that Krillen found the most captivating . It seemed to him that she was hiding something in those crystal blue orbs , something that hurt her deeply to talk about yet she couldn 't forget . Krillen wanted nothing more than to be able to help her , to get rid of that pain , and he made a promise to himself right there and then that that was what he was going to do , even if it killed him . " You don 't have any idea what I 've been through do you , " said 18 , her voice had quietened down considerably , but you could tell by the way that she spoke she was still very mad . " When you where absorbed . Do you know how hard that was ? 17 you 're the only family I have and I thought I lost you , but I was lucky and I got you back . And now you act like you don 't even care about me , you go off every day and do your thing , but do even stop to consider how I might feel about things , how I 'm coping ? No , I don 't think you do . But do you know what ? I know for a fact that there is someone out there who gives a stuff about me , even if you don 't " . 18 reached up and wiped some angry tears off her face , she hated it when 17 saw her cry , even if it was due to blind rage . 17 tried his best to control all the anger that was bubbling up inside him , but it was hopeless and when he tried to open his mouth to speak , nothing happened . Instead , before he realised what he was doing he had kicked his sister square in the gut , she went flying to the other side if the room and smacked into the wall . " Get out ! Just get out 18 , you 're not welcome here ever again . If you ever come back don 't you think for a second that I won 't kill you , because I sure as hell will " . 18 stood up on her shaky legs , she was physically and mentally worn out , much to tired to argue with 17 . If he wanted to be a prick let him , she didn 't need 17 , she would be just fine all by herself . She didn 't wipe the tears away this time , she just walked out the front door and left , for the last time . 17 hadn 't actually expected her to go , but she had and now 17 sincerely doubted that he would ever see his twin again . And for the first time in his life he knew how it felt to be truly alone , the way 18 had felt for months on end . He felt horrible , like someone had reached into his chest and was slowly squeezing the life out of him . Yet he knew he would never die , he was an android it was impossible , and even if he did just run out one day , it wouldn 't be for a long time , hundreds of years , maybe even longer . 18 rocketed through the sky , not really knowing where she was going and not really caring either . Tears of frustration and anger and just plain sadness rolled down her cheeks , she didn 't bother to wipe them away , she could hardly see anyway . After hours and hours of pointless flying 18 just gave up and she fell out of the sky , she slammed into the ground below but made no effort to get up . Soon it started to rain , but it didn 't bother 18 in - fact she was so lost in her own horrible thoughts that she didn 't even notice , eventually she fell asleep . This is ridiculous . Thought Krillen to himself as he rolled over for the millionth time that night , no matter how hard he tried he just couldn 't get any sleep . It was slowly driving him insane . Krillen sat up and threw the blanket off , then he got out of bed and went downstairs for a glass of water . He filled his glass up and took a quick look at the clock . 3 . 26am . Krillen rolled his eyes and decided that he probably wasn 't going to get any sleep now , considering the sun would be up soon . So he decided to go and watch some t . v instead , but there was nothing good on . Infomercials mostly , but some channels were playing cartoons or sports reports from the previous day . He must have fallen asleep some time , because Krillen opened his eyes at around 11 . 30 . The t . v was still on but Master Roshi and Oolong had put on an exercise tape . Krillen was disgusted , so he got up and went to his room . He doubted that the perverts down stairs even noticed he was gone . Krillen still had that strange feeling from last night in the pit of his stomach . Some thing was wrong , he knew that much , but he had no idea what . He put on one of his orange training gi 's on and jumped out the window . A few seconds later he was nothing but a black speck in the sky The chirping of birds woke 18 up way before she was ready to be woken and that resulted in 18 being in an extremely bad mood , having to bathe in a freezing cold lake didn 't help either . Suddenly 18 sensed a familiar energy coming towards her , she knew who it was , she just prayed that Krillen didn 't find her when she was , well , butt naked . 18 quickly got out the lake and pulled a bright red tank top and black cargo pants , exactly the same thing she was wearing yesterday , they were wet and muddy , but she had nothing else . 18 debated weather to fly up and met Krillen or wait for him to find her , but as the minutes wore on it became more and more apparent that if she didn 't act soon she would be stuck in the forest and homeless for days . So with the last little bit of energy she had left in her she flew up into the sky , she could see Krillen not to far away and she felt great relief . When they arrived Krillen took 18 upstairs and into his room . " Ok there is a bathroom just through that door there , everything you need will be in there . I 'll see if I can find you some of Launch 's old clothes to wear while I wash those ones then I 'll make you something to eat . And if you would like to , your more than welcome to spend the night , you can sleep in here " offered Krillen and he walked off to go and find 18 some thing new to wear . When he came back 18 was already in the shower , so he layed the clothes out on the bed and headed down stairs . " Shut up Oolong , she could hurt you way worse than anyone I know , and that includes Vegeta " warned Krillen . Oolong looked scared , he gulped loudly and turned his attention back to the t . v . Krillen walked into the kitchen and began to rummage around in the fridge . All he could see was some of Master Roshi 's dinner from last night , which he was NOT feeding to 18 and some rice . Upstairs 18 was out the shower and was in the process of getting dressed . Krillen had left her a pair of grey track pants and a fitted blue tee shirt , both items were about 3 sizes to big , but at least they were clean . She dried her hair with the towel then headed downstairs and into the kitchen , where she guessed Krillen was . " Rice , " replied Krillen . " Would you like a cup of coffee ? " " No " said 18 as she sat down at the table . Krillen put the rice in a bowl and handed it to 18 , along with some soy sauce and a fork . " Here you go , if you need me I 'll just be in the laundry washing your cloths Ok " he said . 18 looked at him quizzically . Krillen was humming to himself as he filled up the washing machine , soon 18 walked into the room , she shut the door and leaned against it . Krillen turned on the machine and picked up and basket full of clean wet clothes and headed out the back door towards the clothes line . 18 followed . " No not at all , like I said yesterday you 're more than welcome here . I was just thinking , that if you plan on moving in with us , I 'll set up the spare room for you and if you want we could go shopping . Only having one sat of clothes can 't be very nice " said Krillen . 18 smiled at him . He has got to be the sweetest guy on the entire planet , he knows what I 'm capable of yet he still wants to help me and he 's going to take me shopping . " Ok , it 's a date " she said . Krillen felt his heart skip a beat or two at those 3 words . As small as they were they made him feel like he was on cloud nine . Krillen pushed open the door to the spare room and looked around , it was the messiest room in the entire house . Up until now it had just been used to store junk and all Master Roshi 's old porn magazines which he refused to throw out , Krillen considered throwing them in the bin and not telling Roshi , but if Roshi ever found out he would probably throw Krillen out of the house . He found an empty box and put the magazines in it then took the box down to the basement along with the rest of the crap . By the time he had vacuumed and wiped down all the furniture and cleaned the window and made the bed it was well past 9 o ' clock . Krillen was stuffed . He went downstairs to find 18 but she was no where . " Well I just came to tell you that your room is ready , " said Krillen and he stood up " well I 'll leave you alone now " . No ! , don 't leave me alone , not again . I hate being alone , just stay here with me , please . 18 nodded her head " ok then " she said though that wasn 't what she wanted to say at all . Krillen turned around and went back inside . He was going to go upstairs , but Master Roshi stopped him . " Krillen " . " Yeah " said Krillen 18 went into her new room and shut the door . It was much bigger and nicer than her old room . In one corner it had a big double bed , the far wall had a make up desk and a set of draws and the other wall and a big cupboard with mirrored doors . 18 sat on the bed and slid open the window , it was quiet stuffy in there . She could here music playing softly in the room next to her , which happened to belong to Krillen . But it was nice music , not like the heavy metal crap 17 used to play . If she listened closely she could just make out some of the words . Then the music went quiet , Krillen must have turned the cd player off . Hey , I know exactly how she feels , I feel the same way , but I guess Krillen will never know , anyway even if he did he doesn 't feel the same . 18 climbed under the blankets and soon she fell asleep As soon as they arrived 18 disappeared into the first clothing shop she saw , Krillen sighed and followed her in . When he found her she already had a large number of items hanging off her arm . Krillen considered just handing over his credit card and waiting in the food court . But that was a bad idea because a ) he would get board and B ) , there was about a 99 . 9 % chance that 18 would way overcharge his card and then Krillen wouldn 't ever be able to pay it back . It was safer just to put up with a few hours of boredom and if he got to spend some time with 18 then it was all worth it . By 1 0 ' clock both Krillen and 18 decided that it was time for a break , Krillen was hungry and 18 needed to calm down from her latest argument with a sales clerk . Krillen wasn 't sure if she just enjoyed seeing the looks on their faces or if she was genuinely mad with them . But whatever the case it had cost Krillen almost $ 200 so far . Luckily he had some saving put away for an emergency , something told him after today was finished he was going to owe a few thousand on his credit card , he classed that as an emergency . 18 put all her bags and boxes on the ground and sat down in the nearest chair . Krillen took an empty capsule out of his pocket and handed it to 18 . " Here you go " he said . 18 looked at the thing in her hand strangely . What the hell is it ? As if he had read her mind Krillen answered her question " it 's a capsule , here let me show you " he said and he took the capsule off 18 . He threw it at 18 's purchases and they disappeared . Then he picked up the capsule and gave it back to 18 . " All you stuff 's in there " he said . " Hey Krillen , what do you think of this ? " she asked as she stepped out the change room . She was dressed in a light blue dress , which stopped a few inches above her knee and had spaghetti straps , it revealed just enough skin so not to be rude but still it didn 't leave much to the imagination . Krillen was speechless . " 18 , you look beautiful " said Krillen , though after he had said it he realised it was the understatement of the century . There were no words to describe how good she really looked . 18 blushed for the first time ever at his kind words . " So you think I should yet it ? " she asked . Krillen shook his head . " Yes , definitely " . 18 turned and went back into the change room . When she came back out Krillen stood up and yawned . 18 couldn 't help smiling at him , even if he didn 't see it . I guess it is getting pretty late , and he has been nice to me all day , maybe that is enough shopping for one day . " C ' mon Krillen lets pay for this stuff and go home " said 18 . Krillen opened his eyes and looked at 18 , the relief in his eyes was great . " Ok " he took 18 's things off her and went to pay for them , when he came back he handed 18 the bags and they left the mall . Sometime during the flight home 18 took Krillens hand in hers , he wasn 't exactly sure when it happened , but that wasn 't important , what was important was the fact that it had actually happened in the first place . But it didn 't last . As soon as Kame Island came into view she let go and sped off . She was to fast for Krillen to catch up so he flew the last two or three minutes of the flight alone . When he landed on the island 18 was no where to be found . Must be in her room already Krillen guessed and he headed into his own room for a nice relaxing shower , currently every muscle in his body was aching . 18 sat in front of her mirror , her head resting in her hands . She sighed loudly and closed her eyes . I can 't believe I did that , as if the situation isn 't bad enough already and now I 've just gone and made it 10 times worse . 18 stood up and collapsed on the bed . She knew she had to do something about her feelings and she knew that whatever it was it had to be done soon . Or else she might loose Krillen forever and she wasn 't going to let that happen . She loved this man , she 'd known that for months now , she was just to damn nervous to let him know , she 'd been hurt before and she was scared that if she showed her true feelings Krillen would reject her . That scared her , and she wasn 't easily scared . But that wasn 't all , there was something else holding her back . Her damn brother . Fuck him , I don 't need his approval to live my life the way I want to . 18 sighed again . Yeah , I wish it was just that easy . Krillen pulled on a pair of old grey track pants and a baggy red tee - shirt which had a hole in it , well actually it had several holes in it . But in all honesty , he lived on an island in the middle of no where . It wasn 't like he was going to get any guests anytime soon so why bother getting all dresses up when it was early evening anyway . He was just about to go downstairs to get dinner started when he heard 18 call him . " Cause you can , you don 't have to ask , it 's your house to . You 're welcome to use my bathroom any time . I 'd never make you use the other one , that 's Roshi and Oolong room , don 't ever go in there " warned Krillen . 18 winked at Krillen and slung her towel over her shoulder " thanks for the tip " . When she came downstairs almost an hour and a half later she could her yelling . She decided to de - tour the living room on her way to the kitchen . Krillen was sitting at the table pushing some food around his plate . He looked up and saw 18 . " I put yours in the microwave , it should still be warm " he said . 18 thanked him , sat down at the table and began to eat . It actually tasted quiet good . When they had both finished their meal they just sat their talking and enjoying each other 's company , until Master Roshi walked in . Krillen and 18 quickly got up put their dirty dishes in the sink and retreated upstairs . By now it was getting pretty late and they were both tired so they decided to go to sleep . Krillen opened his eyes and sat up . The clock to his left informed him that it was close to 4am . He could here noise coming from the next room . 18 ! . Krillen jumped out of bed and ran into the next room . 18 was thrashing around on the bed getting tangled up in the sheets , she was whimpering and letting out little screams . Krillen blinked a few times and ran to the side of the bed . " 18 , 18 wake up . You 're having a nightmare " begged Krillen . When this earned no response from 18 he gabbed her shoulders and shook her rather roughly . " 18 wake up ! " 18 sat bolt upright and almost knocked Krillen over , he breathed a sigh of relief . She was breathing heavily and cold sweat ran down her face . " It was , " said 18 " you can go now " . Krillen shook his head and moved a little closer to 18 , he wasn 't quiet sure if now was the right time to male his move or not , but it was worth a try . He wrapped one arm around 18 's shoulders . " I 'm not going anywhere , I don 't care if you 'll be fine or not . Now go back to sleep , I 'll keep all the bad dreams away " said Krillen . 18 rested her head on Krillen 's bare chest and closed her eyes . She listened to his steady , soothing heartbeat and before she knew it , she had fallen asleep . When she woke up the next morning Krillen was still beside her . She smiled to herself and stretched out , she could get used to this , it felt nice to wake up in someone 's arms . But her happiness was not destined to last because Krillin began to stir and 18 knew that before long he would wake up and everything would go back to the way it was yesterday . When he did wake up it took a few minutes for him to remember where he was , but when he did he quickly sat up , so did 18 . " After you came in I slept fine thank you " replied 18 . Krillen moved to get out of the nice warm bed but 18 grabbed onto his boxers ' shorts and pulled him back . She kissed him softly on the lips . " Thanks for keeping the bad dreams away , just like you said you would " . " You can always count on me " he said . He wasn 't sure if he should kiss her again or just get up and walk away . 18 answered his question for him , by pressing her lips firmly against his again , this kiss was much more passionate then the last and Krillen was sure that he had died and gone to heaven . But suddenly 18 pulled away , as if she had done something wrong . Krillen was confused . " Oh I know that . But before we ever do anything like that again there 's something that I have to do " said 18 . Krillen was still confused but he was glad that it wasn 't something he had done . " I thought for a minute there you didn 't like me or something " . " I like you a lot Krillen , you know that . Now if you don 't mind I need to get dressed " said 18 and she pushed Krillen out the room His constant spying was really starting to annoy her , so she decided to do something about it . 18 stepped out of her room and the next thing Krillen knew there was a big Master Roshi shaped hole in the wall , he couldn 't help laughing . He looked at 18 quizzically . She just shrugged her shoulders and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear . When he walked back in the front door , 18 was just about to walk out of it . She was dressed in a pair of cut off jeans shorts and a bright yellow tank top , she had a white shirt which was un - buttoned on over the top and a pair of gray sunglasses on her head . Krillen thought the shorts made her long legs look even longer which in turn made him feel even shorter . " I should be back before dark " she said , then she bent down and kissed Krillen on the cheek . " See ya later " she said , and then she was gone . Krillen felt like he was floating . Does this mean she likes me ? Oh man , I think it does , I hope it does . About an hour later 18 touched down in the woods , she walked up to the front door and knocked . After a few minutes of waiting it became apparent that 17 wasn 't home , and she wasn 't about to go wandering around in the woods to look for him . So she sat on the front step and began to wait . Luckily she didn 't have to wait very long , which was good cause she got board quick . 17 dropped his ax and walked up the steps to greet his sister . " I mean , I 'm moving on , or at least I want to . That 's why I 'm here " . 17 nodded his head and sat down on the couch , motioning for 18 to do the same , which she did . " Well Krillen and I , we sort of , I mean we both want it . But this morning when I you know , I kissed him . All I could think of was what you would think of me . You see 17 I can 't start me new life unless you say it 's ok , it 's as simple as that " explained 18 . 17 was fuming . Hoe dare his sister have any feeling what so ever for a human and the fact that it was a Z guy made it 10 times worse . 18 saw the anger in her brother 's eyes and prepared herself for a fight , if that was what it came down to , then she was going to fight for her man . 17 leapt up off the couch and stalked out the room , 18 jumped up and followed him into the kitchen . " 18 , what do you want me to say ? You 're asking me to let you walk out of my life . You do realise that if I give you my best wishes and you walk off into something better I 'll never see you again right ? " said 17 . " 17 that 's not true at all . I don 't want to loose you , I just want to be happy . Krillen can make me happy . But if I have to choose between you and him , if it really comes down to that , you know that I 'll choose you . I won 't be far away and I 'll never forget you 17 , never " 17 's expression softened and he thought about what he was going to say next carefully before he actually said it . Krillen spent the day wandering around the island , but he was too preoccupied to actually do anything productive . He hung some washing , did some tiding up . Stuff like that . He tried to do some training , but it was useless , he couldn 't stop thinking about 18 . Man , she 's totally got me wrapped around her little finger he thought as he floated lazily in the air . And I love every second of it Krillen sighed and forced himself into an upright position . He looked out at the sparkling blue ocean . Krillen dropped out of the sky and waled to the waters ' edge , it splashed against his bare feet and up onto his legs . Krillen loved the ocean , he felt like he could have stayed out there all day , but his grumbling stomach dragged him back inside . " I should take you around to the capsule corp one day , if you saw Vegeta eat you 'd probably die of shock " joked Krillen . 18 rolled her eyes and sat down at the table . " I doubt it " she said " So did you do what you had to ? " asked Krillen . 18 nodded her head . " Uh - huh , it 's all taken care of " . She stood up and boiled the kettle , she was tired and worn out and needed coffee . It had been a busy day . " So what did you get up to ? " asked 18 . " Not much really " replied Krillen " I was to busy thinking about you " he added . 18 felt herself blush she looked at Krillen , he was blushing as well . They looked like a pair of school kids . 18 walked over to Krillen and sat down next to him . " I 'll always be here for you , you don 't have to worry about that and besides , I 've kind of gotten used to having you around " said Krillen . 18 smiled at Krillen then she kissed him . 18 was happy , because she knew that this was the start of something great . |
I feel as if these words describe not only my heart but my soul as well . Can a soul be shattered ? I feel as if there is nothing left to wake up for in the morning , nothing left to care about , nothing left to live for . It has all passed me by and I was looking the other way . My mind is wandering , aimless , unsure . Lost in a morass of fear , doubt , pain . My focus is gone , my thoughts scattered to the four winds , hidden from myself . Before I had hearts , hands , souls to help me find my way back . Now , now I am alone . I know who I am , who I am supposed to be , what my purpose is . I have found though that I do not care . It began several months ago . I am only now free of that place , that man , the drugs , and the fear . Well perhaps not the fear . If I were free of the fear I would not be constantly glancing over my shoulder , would I ? I would not have a need to have every light in the house turned on , only turning them off in the light of day . When my sisters see my electric bill they will not be pleased with me . Oh dear god , my sisters . I 'm going to have to tell my sisters . Of course , it would have been nice if even one had noticed that I was not attending our usual Sunday dinners . Noticed and then come to see if they could locate me . I know I have missed a dinner or two in the past but I have never missed without letting someone know . Normally I would have contacted someone . My other sisters have missed previously , without a call , or a text . I 've always made a point of swinging by to see if everything was alright … . No , this is his fault . His alone . Not theirs . They would not have known where to look for me , and had one come along perhaps he would have kept her as well . Or killed her . No I can 't think about that . I must remember that everyone else is alright . I could not bring myself to speak with any of them tonight , I needed to come home , shower . Did you know that showering in an empty house can be terrifying ? The silence is oppressive . However do not turn on the radio or television before you shower . The silence is preferable to the sounds that cover up footsteps , breathing , doors opening … . Stop ! I went by our family home before I came here . I silently peered through the living room window , and in doing so determined it was Sunday . The wine was open , popcorn made , they were watching a movie . It 's one we 've all watched several times in the past . I was surprised to see my brothers as well . They seldom join us and I will admit that I wanted to go inside , crawl into the lap of one of our boys , and stay there . Of course I could not let them see me like that . Stolen clothes , covered in blood ( not all of it mine , he felt pain before he died ) , my hair full of dirt , my skin covered in cuts , bruises , needle tracks … . Thank God I have seven days until Sunday . My family is a little … unusual . We are none of us family by blood , simply by choice . We found each other gradually over the years . We know that we will most likely find more as time passes , it is the nature of our bond . We have had siblings leave , their paths veering away from ours . We have also suggested , rather firmly I might add , that a sibling or two is no longer welcome in the family home . I cannot help but wonder if my recent actions will cause my departure to be desired . We each have a virtue that we identify with strongly . My gift has been eloquence , the capability to speak and be heard , to bring the truth to light without causing offense . I have been told that although I was not born with a silver spoon , I was blessed with a silver tongue . My family knows that a portion of my gift is the ability to broadcast my desired outcome , the positive emotions that I wish to be felt by the others involved . I have recently found out that I am also capable of permitting my fear , my anger , and my hate to be felt by others as well . How I wish I had never been taught that lesson . I don 't actually know how it began , one moment I was home , the next I was not . The day had begun like most any other . My phone ringing . It was , of course , one of my sisters . Raven needed my help . Her primary talent is Justice but she sometimes let it over take her . She 'd gotten herself into a little bit of a pickle and needed me to talk to the group and smooth things over . Not a huge issue . So I told her I would have a quick shower , then head on to meet up with her . I never made it . I was in the shower , I heard a thump and I called out . I thought one of my sisters was over . I saw a shadow on the curtain . And then nothingness . When I awoke all I could feel was heat , surrounding me , entrapping me . No escape . I couldn 't move , my eyes opened in panic to see nothing , darkness . I couldn 't help myself and I began to twist , whimper , cry . Suddenly I was able to move , the heat dissipating , and I felt a light touch on my arm . " Shhhhh … relax my sweet . Everything is fine , you 're safe . " A soft , masculine voice , unfortunately not a familiar voice . " Where am I ? Why can 't I see ? " I wanted to shout with every fiber of my being , but that never gets anyone anywhere . I felt myself broadcast a little of my fear , just a small amount . I didn 't know if it would work , I 'd never tried fear before . Concern but never fear . But then again , what had I ever truly been afraid of ? " No my sweet , none of that . " I felt a sharp prick in my arm and that was the end of that . Every time I woke he was there . If I tried to broadcast my emotions , another needle . If I screamed , another needle . If I cried , or carried on in any fashion , again the needle . As time passed I began to wake more quietly . I felt around my space using what senses I had available . As touch and sight were out of the equation I had to listen , keep myself calm and pay attention when he entered the room . Jes saw a light on and decided to stop . She said she thought I was out of town . Wanted to know where I went for six months without telling anyone . Six months . She also gave me shit for disappearing on our sister . She had to go help Raven , though she said there was a bad taste left behind that nothing could fix . I told her to stop ranting at me that I 'd explain on Sunday what happened so I only have to do so once . The light was behind me so she couldn 't see the bruises . Anyway , after a time ( I 'm not sure how long ) I realized that when it was really quiet , I could hear other voices . The only one that seemed able to tell when I was broadcasting was the man in charge of me , so to speak . I began to send out gentle waves of concern . I could sense a woman in the room to my left , and a man in the one to my right . I knew without trying though that he wasn 't going to be around much longer . I could feel he was letting go . I tried to send him courage , strength , hope . All I received in return was despair . The next time I woke , I sensed nothing . He was gone . The next day I made contact , of a sort , with the woman . I could tell when she was medicated , when she was simply sleeping , and when she was awake . Sleeping meant nightmares . Fear . Awake meant terror . I could only help for short periods of time . Her fear , her terror , increased my own . So I had to keep my contact with her to a minimum . I believed that instead of becoming despondent like that man had , that she was losing her mind . There were times I heard her screaming , but the laughing was the worst . Neither lasted long though , and then I could sense she 'd been drugged again . My captor was away more . I had more time between his visits . More time awake . I 'd begun to notice that my body was in pain . The only times I knew anyone was in the room was when he would come in and the world would disappear with the prick in my arm . I started to wonder what was happening when I was unaware . I 'm not certain how long it took but I must have built up a resistance to the drug . He didn 't know as I tried to be silent when I woke . I could hear him in the room sometimes , writing on occasion , sounds I didn 't recognize other times . I would stay silent , contained , hidden . I would wait , sometimes half an hour , sometimes longer before I 'd try to send out calm , hope , to the lady in the next room . If I didn 't wait long enough he would come back and I 'd get another needle . I finally woke very early one day . I could feel his hands on my body . He was touching me , everywhere . Pinching , squeezing , slapping . No wonder I hurt every day . After that nearly every time I woke he was touching me in some manner . I did my best to remain calm , quiet , let him think I was still out . I didn 't always succeed . Then one day I felt the needle when he came in , but I didn 't go completely under . I could hear him talking to another man . I couldn 't track the words though , the drug made that nearly impossible . I couldn 't move either but I was aware . And then I wished I wasn 't . They took turns using my body . Not just the two , but several men . Different touches , different voices , different men all using my body for their enjoyment . Now I knew why I was bound , blindfolded , why I was being held against my will . My terror overwhelmed me , and that was all I knew for a while . Next time I woke I awoke screaming . He spoke to me and I did not stop , I think it was a few days before I woke again . He changed my drug , I was solidly out again . This time when I woke I planned . I needed to get out . I 'd been waiting , hoping that one of my sisters would arrive , tell me that I was in the hospital , tell me what had happened . They would never have left me in a place like this though . So now I knew , I had to get out on my own . But how ? My hands and feet were firmly strapped to the bed . I wondered about the lady in the other room . Was she trapped as I was ? Were they doing to her what they were doing to me ? Then a couple of days ago , while it was still quiet all around me , I woke suddenly . In the silence I could hear her tears . Her fears filled the room with screaming , though there was no sound to be heard . Her pain , her sense of loss , her anguish surrounded me , drowning me in her . I began to speak . Softly , gently , low . If there was anyone walking past none but she could hear . And she heard . If only she had not heard . My words fueled her , commanded her . My words drove her . Her actions were my thoughts . My pain , my sorrow , my hatred . Her body was free , mine was not . My mind , my voice were all I had . She became my avatar . My puppet . My saviour . Their death . She had been unresponsive for days . They no longer bothered to bind her to the bed . When her controller entered the room , she used my anger , my hatred , my out and out uncontrollable rage as her fuel . I whispered thoughts of death , mayhem , blood and she made them real . When he was dead I still did not release her from me . She killed the man in the hall , tore him limb from limb . After she released me from my bindings I stumbled to the door , leaning against it I looked out and watched his life merge with the water he had been washing the floor with . I did not mourn him though . If he was not one of the men that raped us , then he left us to them . God damn it , who 's here now ? I need to finish this . I need to get it out . But the doorbell is ringing . I 'll be back . I need to be more careful . Devine stopped in , noticed all the lights on , and started to walk around turning them off . I had to lie , I told her I was looking for a mouse . That I thought I 'd seen one and didn 't want to turn off the lights until I found it . She turned to look at me , she looked concerned and I thought I hadn 't done a good enough job with the cover - up but then she shivered and said she hoped I was wrong but maybe I could borrow a cat . I 'm going to have to stop leaving the lights on all the time . It 's attracting too much attention . Tomorrow I 'm going to get a lock for my bedroom door . Maybe I 'll be able to sleep . With my room at the back of the house my sisters shouldn 't notice these lights on all night . I still don 't know her name . I guess I never will now . They killed her , they killed her as if they had plunged the knife into her body themselves . But he wasn 't there yet . They 'd called him so he was on his way . But he wasn 't there yet and none of the others seemed to feel my broadcast as an outside thing . We 'd gotten part way down the hall . We were opening doors , trying to release anyone else we found . We only found two others that could walk . There were others but they weren 't going anywhere . One man had his legs broken , and they didn 't set them properly . He told me he 'd tried to escape and that was his punishment . He asked me to kill him . I told him I couldn 't . I should have then , I did later but not by choice . She 'd picked up the mop , and broken off the handle . As I was untying another lady she turned and put it through some guy 's throat . He came running into the room , yelling at us . She didn 't like the yelling . I tried to rein in my emotions a little , the other lady was becoming violent as well and I realized I was still affecting them . I should have let it be though . We found a man near the end of the hall , he could walk but there was something about him that made me nervous . We let him free anyway and he joined us . We went around a corner and into a large open space , there was a kitchen area on the other side of the room and I could see knives from where I was standing . I thought it was odd that there was no one around but I took it as a blessing and we went across the room . We each collected a couple of knives . The new lady didn 't want to but I told her to grab a couple anyway . I said she didn 't have to use them but it would keep her from looking like easy prey . As we slipped into the next hallway , I noticed all the doors were open , no one to rescue , nowhere for anyone to be hiding . I started to calm down . I could see the doors leading to the outside world just a few meters away . As I calmed down so too did my companions , but I didn 't see it . I was walking in front with the first woman . I really wish I 'd asked her name . As my emotions settled , my broadcast ebbed . I thought we were all there for the same thing . I thought we were all being used in the same manner . I have to admit I was confused when behind me I heard a gurgle . As we turned around we saw that the man we had rescued had cut the other woman 's throat . He was smiling . He was covered in her blood , and he was smiling as he moved towards us . I froze . And because I froze so did the lady I started all of this with . Because she froze , he plunged a knife into her stomach . He did it almost as an afterthought . He was walking towards us , his eyes holding my own , he was nearly past her , she had stopped sooner than I did . Then his hand moved almost lazily to the side and I heard the sound of the knife plunging into her . His smile grew as he pulled it back out , his hand covered in gore as he sliced to the side . He made it two more steps towards me , a couple more and he would be close enough to kill me too , and still I stood . My fear had paralyzed me , he was nearly to me when he stopped with a look of confusion on his face . He should have made certain she was dead , or at least down for the count . Her pain woke her from my fear . Her kitchen knives were in his back . One in the middle , one looked to be in his kidney . As he fell her eyes locked on mine . I caught her before she hit the ground , I held her as she bled out , I cried as the light left her eyes , and I could no longer feel her presence . I 'm not certain how long I sat on the floor with her in my arms . Her blood pooled around me on the floor , his blood mingled with hers but I could not make myself move further away . I hear the doorbell but I need to finish this now . Whoever it is can come back later . It 's taken me two days to get this far , and I have yet to sleep . Maybe when I finish I will . I heard voices coming towards me . One man was talking on a cell phone , telling someone that we were free , that the others were dead , I was the only one remaining . I waited until he was off the phone , until he and the other men were closer , and then I sent them my rage . Their targets ? Each other . I sent my rage , my hatred , and my fear to all of them . The one with the phone suddenly turned to the man beside him and the phone went through his mouth . That was the only one to die quickly . As he turned to another , he turned his back to one and he suddenly lost a part of his spine . He collapsed and I watched him die . It took a while . The one holding the spine suddenly had a chair smash over his head . I lost track of what was happening for a little while as the remaining 5 men made each other bleed . When it was down to one , I put her gently on the floor , took up my knives and walked towards him . I sent him wave upon wave of trust , love , desire . By the time I was close to him he was rather randy . I let him watch as I cut it off . Then one of my knives went through his eye into his brain , he was dead before his scream fully materialized . I went and sat back with the lady , pulled her back onto my lap , and told her that they had paid for what they did to us and that I was going to take a short rest before I went home . I believe I passed out for a while . The next thing I remember is looking up and seeing the man that was my controller . I 'd never seen him before but I recognized his voice when he spoke . He tried to take her away from me . I screamed , loud . He reached into his briefcase and pulled out a needle . I know it was to calm me down but after everything I had just been through I was not going back into that room . No one would touch me again . This man would not get near enough ever again . As he came closer I gathered my strength , and flung her at him . It knocked him over , the needle went flying . By the time he got out from under her , the needle was in my hand , and then in his arm . He was out in moments . Had I left then I could have told my family what happened . They would have helped me deal with the repercussions , with the stress , and the fear . I would have spent the last two days with my sisters helping me to pack while my brothers went looking for a new place for me , something with enough security to please them . But I didn 't . I should have but I stayed . I took him to one of the empty rooms that we had passed , I didn 't think there would be enough time to put him through even half of what we went through but I wanted him to feel fear . So I put the cuffs on him , and a blindfold . The door closed , locked , just in case . In another drawer I found a gag , I didn 't want him to be able to distract me , to make me change my mind . I didn 't want to hear him beg . And then I waited for him to wake . It must have been a low dosage as he woke no more than an hour later , I think . I 'm afraid my sense of time has escaped me somewhat . He jerked awake , his screams muffled by the gag , his muscles straining against the cuffs . I spoke quietly to him . He had to stop screaming if he was to hear my words . He did for a moment , and then he realized what I was saying . The screams began again . As he thrashed , and pulled I slid a knife under his pants leg . He felt the cool metal and stopped moving . I think he was afraid that I might cut him . Up one leg at a time , at the top I allowed the blade to touch his manhood , gently but enough to make him scream in fear . As I cut his shirt off I turned the blade over and left a thin slice along his pectoral muscles , very lightly , it was barely there . But it made him shriek and I was beginning to enjoy his muffled sounds . That should have told me it was time to leave but I didn 't want to . After I disrobed him I began to broadcast my fear to him . He was already afraid and I made him terrified . I whispered softly to him , telling him what I wanted him to do , what I wanted him to feel . I told him what she had felt , what she had done , and I whispered that he would do so much more . I took control of his feelings , subtlety playing no role . I told him a story about what had been done to she and I from our perspectives . I told him a tale about how he was going to make it up to us . I could feel his resistance , his desire to break free from my control , and I laughed . And then I amplified it all twice again as much . I shattered him , and then … . then I released him from the bonds . I instructed him to harm himself . And he did as he was bid . He cut himself , so deeply that I could see bone , and sinew . He sliced his own legs so deeply that the muscles we no longer attached , he could not have stood , walked , run … nothing , and I was pleased . But still it wasn 't enough , and I was lost to my own madness . I took the knife back , and tied him back to the bed . I 'd been preventing him from feeling the pain so far . The pain would have given him strength to break my control and I could not allow that . As soon as he was bound tightly , I released my control including the pain suppression . He roared and then passed out . Somehow some sanity broke through . I could not leave him as he was , but I no longer desired to torture him . I picked up the knife and I slit his throat . Within moments I was bathed in his blood , and yet I stood there . I watched until there was no chance of life remaining . And still I felt unsafe . I lost what control I had regained and the next thing I recall his head was no longer attached to his body . His legs weren 't even in the same room . I left his hands bound as I pulled on a lab coat I found in a closet at the back of the room . I didn 't even try to wash up . Suddenly the fear was overwhelming me again . Any moment someone was going to walk through the door and I was never going to leave this place . I tried to school myself , control it . I couldn 't leave things as they were . Eventually someone would show up even if it wasn 't right now . If they didn 't call the cops , and I was fairly certain they wouldn 't , this would continue . They 'd do this to someone else . Some part of me knew that there were others still tied to their beds but they were dead already , even if they were still breathing . I couldn 't rescue them , and by the time I could get help I was positive that the people running this place would have killed them rather than move them . This was my rationalization . And so I went back to the kitchen , I went through the cupboards and I found alcohol . I poured some out down the hallway I had been in . I poured the rest down the hallway I would leave by , and over that man 's body . Then I went back and lit all the candles I could find . I put them by the trails of booze , by the oven . I sure hoped this was going to work , it did in the movies . I kept one candle with me and I went back to the kitchen to turn on the gas stove . I wasn 't sure candles would set it off but I was fairly sure that a fire would . As I got to the doorway leading to freedom I lit my candle , left the flame up on the lighter I 'd found , and tossed them both down the hall towards the booze . I peered out the door carefully . It was dark enough outside that I felt I could slip into the shadows unobserved . When I was a little a couple of blocks away I heard an explosion , I could see flames in the distance . What do you know , it worked . I still don 't know how I made it to the family home . Or even why I went that way at all . My place would have been closer , there would have been no risk of a family member spotting me had I just gone home . And well , here I am . Somehow I made it home from there . I am dreading Sunday . For the first time ever I am afraid to go to my family . I could lie to them . I could make up a story , something easy , light . Something with no blood , no pain , no death . I could . But I love them . I made a promise long ago , no lies . Not within the family . They all know what I can do , although they don 't know what I am capable of . They will though . It won 't be long and I will be alone , adrift , shunned . There 's the doorbell again . It 's being held down , that means it 's Jes and she won 't leave until she gets her way . I 'll go talk to her and then I 'm going to try to sleep . I close the book , check my makeup to be certain she won 't be able to tell anything , and go answer the door . It 's not just Jes , it 's Raven as well . She 's hoping I can help her out and this time she 's taking me with her . It doesn 't matter that I 'm exhausted , I 'll go and do my thing for my sister . I only hope I can control my emotions . I can 't exactly be broadcasting fear every time someone comes near me , touches me , invades my space … . crap . Jes comes back down the hall from the washroom and I tease her about falling in . She laughs and tells me it 's time I changed the lock on that door , that it tries to keep her in every single time . I tell her not to worry about that door , that I 'm going to start looking for a new place tomorrow . That this place is too big for just me . My sisters , the loves that they are , offer to help and as we head out we discuss what I 'm looking for in a new place . Raven insists that this time I get a place with a pool . As we get into the car we 're laughing , it very nearly drowns out the screaming in my head . |
I said , " No , actually it 's the adults I have trouble with . Sometimes kids do ask me if they can pet him , but I think adults ask just as often . However , kids always ask first . Only once in all the time I 've had him has a child ever pet him without asking , and that kid 's brother quickly corrected him and then he stopped . I 've lost count of how many times an adult has pet him without asking , though . Several dozen , probably . And often they tell me as they are petting him that they know they aren 't supposed to do that . I 've also had adults bark at him , meow at him and howl at him . Kids have never done those things . " My kitchen is stocked with easy - to - prepare and easy - to - eat foods , including yogurt , soups , protein shake supplies , and supplies for making smoothies . I 've got my meds and lip balm and hand cream and all that good stuff on the coffee table in easy reach of the couch . I 've got my weighted blanket and anxiety meds ready to take with me . I even cleaned up the house a bit . I feel less anxious than I felt about my oral surgery last fall . Oh , I 'm still anxious , I 'm still wishing I had someone to go with me or something to be with me at home afterwards . I do remember what a hard time I had after the surgery last fall . The surgery itself was quick and easy but that night , alone in my apartment , I had flashbacks and anxiety attacks and nightmares and cried a lot . I remember . I 'm hoping that won 't be the case this time , but I know there is a good chance it will . But it is what it is . I did ask friends if anyone was available to go with me to the appointment or spend some time with me at home afterward , but I didn 't expect anyone to volunteer , and no one did . Last time I ended up feeling really sorry for myself because I had to go through all that alone , but this time I feel more . . . accepting of it . It is what it is . Sure , I wish it was different , but it 's not , and maybe it never will be . It 's a bit odd , because financially things are pretty bad for me at the moment . But somehow I have tons of food . Which is good because I want to sort of stock up before winter . I am anticipating my fibromyalgia getting worse when the weather gets cold and I 'd like to have less shopping and food prep to do when that happens . I found almond butter on sale a few weeks ago so I bought a bunch . I went to my favorite farm stand and picked up some lovely squash and zucchini . I recently made some potato soup and froze a few servings of that . I tried to make tomato soup , too , but I 'm afraid that didn 't turn out so well . It tastes more like spaghetti sauce than tomato soup , but not very good spaghetti sauce . Like cheap canned spaghetti sauce . But maybe I will put some onions and garlic and stuff in it and make sauce . Then last Friday was produce day at the local food pantry and I got a ton of stuff . I got about three dozen onions , and I 'm talking huge onions , so I spent all day Saturday chopping them up . I have a huge mound of diced onions in my freezer , frozen in one - cup servings , plus I kept out enough to make French onion soup with , which I made today . It turned out really yummy . I think I will freeze a couple servings of that , too . I also got nearly two dozen apples , many of which were bruised or slightly overripe , so I peeled , chopped and frozen those , too . I can bake with them or make applesauce or something . I got a cucumber , a cabbage and a bag of clementines . I also got a couple containers of Greek yogurt and a lovely loaf of Italian bread ( the bread I sliced and then stuck in the freezer ) . What else do I have ? I got some frozen smoothie mixes on sale at Kroger and I stocked up on chia seeds the other day and I just have more food than I 've had in a long time . I feel really rich when I look in the kitchen and see so much food . I 've been dealing with a problem area in the gum behind one of the crowns that was put in for my bridge last fall for a couple of months now . Since early to mid May , I guess . I tried ignoring it for a while and when it didn 't get better , finally gave in and went to my dentist . He tried a couple things and couldn 't figure out what was causing the problem , so I had to go see a periodontist . Which of course Medicaid will not pay for . Apparently I have some sort of weird infection and a lot of inflammation and I have to have surgery to clean out the infection and also he is going to do a biopsy just to make sure nothing more serious is going on . Of course neither Medicaid nor Medicare will pay for the surgery , but Medicare will pay for the pathologist to examine the tissue specimen taken from the biopsy . Isn 't that nice of them ? I am stressed . I am more stressed about the idea of having to have surgery than about the money , which tells you how much this sort of thing triggers my anxiety and PTSD , since it is going to cost me $ 950 . $ 950 which of course I do not have . I had to borrow it from a friend . I have no clue how or when I will be able to pay him back . And it 's bad timing because there is all sorts of financial stress going on already , which I haven 't written too much about . I did mention that I had to start paying my Medicare premiums , which are $ 105 a month , and that this extra expense should cause my rent to go down a bit . Well , I am still waiting for that to go into effect . The reduced rent , I mean . Paying the Medicare premiums started in July . But my rent did not go down yet . But on top of that , my freelance writing income has decreased and when I reported the changes to the state welfare department , they did something goofy and decreased my food stamps and increased my Medicaid spend down , which is the opposite of what should have happened . It will be fixed but it is a huge pain and is taking a while to fix . So financially , things suck right now . That was mostly after a couple of bad experiences with him at therapy appointments soon after I got him . During one visit , he barked so much I had to cut the appointment short . It was frustrating and embarrassing . After that , I was worried about taking him to medical appointments . Sometimes it takes a long time to get in to see certain doctors . For instance , if I have to cancel an appointment with my psychologist or rheumatologist at the last minute , it 's usually a good month before they can get me in again . I was worried that if Isaac started barking or otherwise behaving in appropriately in the waiting room and I had to leave , it would take a long time to get another appointment . And when I 'm at a doctor 's appointment , I need to be able to pay attention to what the doctor is telling me . I need to remember to ask all my questions and request medication refills and whatever else I need to do there . It 's hard to do that if I am being distracted by a dog that is not behaving the way a well - trained service dog should . And doctors are usually in a hurry . They don 't want to sit quietly , waiting for me to get my dog to lie down , before they ask me questions or examine me or do whatever it is they need to do . Recently , I 've began taking him a lot more . We had a very successful appointment with the rheumatologist , in which Isaac behaved beautifully ( even though the rheumatologist was afraid of him ) . Then I took him to the dentist with me a couple weeks ago and he did great there . A few days ago , I took him to the hospital with me to get blood drawn . We went very early in the morning since I couldn 't eat before getting the blood drawn , so Isaac was still sleepy . Typically , he gets up early , I take him out to pee , I feed him , and then we both go back to bed . But this day , after he finished eating , we went to the hospital . He spent most of the time there sleeping . He slept beside my chair while I was at the registration desk , slept at my feet in the waiting room , and slept on the floor near my chair while the phlebotomist was drawing the blood . He showed absolutely no interest whatsoever in what was going on . Then yesterday , I took him with me to see the periodontist . He was absolutely great there , too . When they took an x - ray , I had Isaac do a down stay right outside the door . I couldn 't hold the leash from that distance , but I could see him and he could see me and hear me . At one point the x - ray tech walked past him and he stood up then , but he lay back down when I told him to . As soon as they were done taking the x - ray , I called him and he came right over to me and handed me his leash when I told him to . I received an email the other day from a woman who is making a documentary for National Geographic called The Genius of Dogs . She saw the video on Youtube of Isaac taking clothes out of the dryer for me and wanted to know if she could use it in her documentary . Of course I said yes . I have to sign a release and all that legal stuff for it . The documentary is tentatively scheduled to air next spring . I 'll let you know when I know more . I decided to offer a coupon code for my blog readers good for 10 % off anything you purchase at my Etsy store . The code is " BLOGREADER " and it applies to any items you purchase . It does not apply to shipping costs , however , there is a discount on shipping if you buy more than one item . If you 've never bought anything on Etsy before , it 's easy and you just enter the coupon code when you check out . The code will be valid through the end of this year , that is until December 31 , 2014 . He is so good at restaurants now . He usually goes right under the table without me even telling him to . But if not , he goes right under as soon as I tell him to . I was rereading some of my blog posts from our early days together last night and remembering how Isaac used to try to sneak out from under the table in restaurants . He hardly ever does that anymore . And he used to get up frequently and I 'd have to tell him to lie back down and he doesn 't do that anymore , either . Two elderly women walked past our table while we were at Pizza Hut and one of them asked me , " Is that a service dog ? " I said yes . She told me he was a pretty dog . Which he is . Isaac slept through the whole discussion . As we were walking from the car to the front door , as Isaac stopped to pee on a tree in front of the home , his friend Millie saw him from her window and began rapping on the window and waving excitedly at us . I waved back and made sure her room was one of our first stops . Isaac loves Millie and she loves him . She chatters to me about her dog , which she says is a little dog but she can 't remember what kind . I 'm not sure if the dog is still living and maybe staying with a relative now that she 's in the nursing home or if this is a dog she used to have that has died at some time in the past . I 'm not sure Millie knows herself . When she talks , she only kind of makes sense . I can tell she is talking about her dog , or talking about Isaac , and I get the gist of what she 's saying but it 's hard to make out a lot of actual facts . Which is OK . I just listen and encourage her to talk , and the whole time she is petting Isaac and loving on him . At one point she firmly took Isaac 's leash from my hand and held it to her chest , as if to indicate she would just keep him there with her . She startled me a little , she took the leash so quickly and firmly . I understood what she was trying to say , though , and said something like , " He could just stay here with you , couldn 't he ? " After a minute , she handed the leash back to me . Later , as we were getting ready to leave the nursing home , we passed the dining room and saw Millie seated at her regular table there , waiting for lunch to be served . I went over to her and said , " Isaac wanted to say goodbye again , " which delighted her . Then she got up , took hold of Isaac 's leash , and clearly wanted to go across the room to see someone else . So I went with her , letting her hold Isaac 's leash but holding it myself , too . She was having trouble telling me what she wanted or who she wanted to see , but I could tell what she wanted . Millie 's husband is also a resident of the nursing home , but he eats lunch at a different table . I don 't know why . They do share a room . It turned out to be him that she wanted to take Isaac over to . She wanted him to see Isaac . I 've never heard him talk but he smiled and patted Isaac on the head . Millie was clearly happy to have shown Isaac to him . We visited Isaac 's friend Sue , who is always waiting for him when we arrive . I think I 'm going to pick up a bag of dog treats to leave with her to give him when we visit . Every time we see her , she says something like , " I need to have my son pick up some dog treats for me " or " I meant to get my son to bring me some dog treats . " I don 't think her son visits that often , though . I always have some treats in my pocket and I give her one to give to him when she says that , but I think she 'd like to have some to keep there for him . We visited another women , who I 'll call Edith . We hadn 't ever seen her before . I 'm not sure if she is a new resident or why we hadn 't seen her before . I couldn 't get her to talk to me but she loved petting Isaac . She looked very sad , kind of tearful , and was making a kind of babbling noise but didn 't say any actual words . She petted Isaac for a long time , though . She clearly enjoyed petting him . I want to make sure we see her again next time we visit . There is a man that is always in the dining room when we visit . I forget his name . He loves Isaac and when he sees him coming into the dining room , he yells , " It 's Isaac ! Hey everyone , Isaac is here ! " Today he had a package of Oreos and wanted to give Isaac one . I let him . I know , Oreos are not really good for dogs . Chocolate is not good for dogs . I figured one Oreo would not really hurt him , though . And this guy really wanted to give him a cookie . Isaac , of course , loved it . After gobbling it up , he licked the crumbs off the floor . As usual , the staff always enjoyed seeing Isaac . There was a maintenance guy that stopped us and asked if he could pet Isaac and I said of course . He then plopped down on the floor and had Isaac in his lap , licking his face and snuggling up to him . Yesterday Isaac and I took a long walk at a nearby park . He got to wade in a very muddy pond a couple of times and he also managed to roll in something quite stinky . When we got home , I had a very smelly , wet , dirty dog . I immediately set about preparing for a bath . I picked up the throw rugs in my bathroom , got out some old towel , got out the expensive new anti - itchy dog shampoo , adjusted the water in the tub . Then I went into the kitchen to get the hot dogs . See , I bribe Isaac with hot dogs to get him into the tub . He weighs 80 pounds . It 's not like I can lift him and make him get in . He will do anything for a bite of hot dog , though . I had some shredded cheese , which he and Cayenne both love . So I got that out . Isaac followed me happily into the bathroom , anticipating some cheese . I gave him a pinch of it and he ate it readily . Then I put some in the tub and told him to get in . He looked at me like I was a complete idiot . He stood there like a rock , looking at the cheese in the tub , and not moving . I tossed in a little more cheese and nudged him in the butt . He did not budge . Isaac is the one that runs out into the water , barks , and then swims after the dog with the frisbee . He only wants the frisbee because that other dog has it . I later bought him his very own frisbee and he totally ignored it . Isaac seems to be doing much better . He threw up a total of 18 times , the last about 1 : 15 am . It 's now nearly 4 : 00 pm and we are both taking it easy today . I just fed him a quarter cup of kibble , which he is keeping down so far . I think he was really hungry . He spent most of the day gnawing on various bones , which is something he normally likes , but he rarely spends several hours at it in one stretch . I think it was because he was hungry . He 's been out to pee twice today and also pooped once and it was normal . He 's drinking . He snuggled with me on the couch for a while this morning and he has brought his Kong to me several times . I don 't think he actually wants to play with the Kong , I think he wants me to put a treat in it for him , which I have not done . I am tired but much less anxious today . I 'm relieved that he seems to be doing better right now . You may remember that last Friday , Isaac threw up . Well , he threw up again today . It was just after noon and we 'd just headed out for a walk . It looked like the remains of his breakfast . It worried me a bit because , although he only threw up once last Friday and has seemed fine since then , it is unusual for him to throw up . But I hoped it would be a one - time barf , like last week . But it wasn 't . I took him back inside and called the dog walker to cancel his afternoon run because I figured running wasn 't a good idea with an upset stomach . And then he threw up again . Just liquid that time . And again . After the third time , I called the vet . I asked if it might be a reaction to the injection he had for allergies yesterday but the vet really didn 't think so . I am absolutely certain he didn 't eat anything harmful so I didn 't know what else it might be . The vet suggested I take his temperature . Don 't you love it when vets suggest stuff like that ? Did I post about trying to take Cayenne 's temperature several months ago ? I 'm pretty sure I did . It did not work . And after that , I threw out my thermometer because , well , although I never actually got a temp , it did at least sort of go in her butt . I just couldn 't keep it there long enough to get a reading . It was not a good thermometer for rectal use , anyway . It had this flexible tip , which is good for taking oral temps , I guess , it 's not real hard and won 't hurt your teeth if you bite it . . . but it 's not good for sticking in tight places , if you know what I mean . But I went to Rite Aid to buy a new thermometer . I am pretty sure they actually make thermometers for pets but Rite Aid does not carry these . I got a digital one with a tip that is not flexible . It is supposed to get a reading in 10 seconds . I doubt I could hold Cayenne still for 10 seconds , but I figured I could probably get Isaac to cooperate for that long . I also bought some of those little plastic sleeves you put over the thermometer . When I tried to take Cayenne 's temp , I didn 't have any of those . I ended up cutting a finger off a latex glove and using that as a sleeve for the thermometer . When I got home , I discovered Isaac had thrown up again . I did manage to take his temperature and it was normal . He didn 't seem to mind that much , really . He didn 't look thrilled about it but honestly , he looks much sadder about taking a bath . It 's almost 10 pm now and he had thrown up 15 times so far . I was getting worried about the possibility of dehydration but he has had something to drink a couple times . And it 's stayed down a while , too , but then he 's ended up throwing up again . Twice I 've taken him out to potty and the second time , he not only peed but also pooped and that looked normal . He seemed interested in going out . He 's been mostly lying down but he has followed me into the bathroom and kitchen several times , like he normally does . Twice he 's brought me his Kong , wanting me to put a treat in it , which I did not do , of course . He certainly isn 't acting normal but he is still showing some signs of interest in his usual activities . I feel so bad for him . He looks so sad after he throws up and I feel sad . Several times I 've sat on the floor beside him and cried . And I feel so anxious . I need him to be OK . It 's not like I think he 's not going to be OK , he 'll probably be fine . . . but I need him to be OK . I need him . Isaac and I are continuing to enjoy our visits to the nursing home . There are now a number of residents that know and remember his name and recognize him when he arrives . I don 't think any of them know my name and in fact , I bet someone else could take Isaac to the nursing home and they probably wouldn 't even notice it was someone other than me there with him ! But they know Isaac . And that 's just fine with me . One of Isaac 's special friends there is named Millie ( that 's what I 'm calling her , anyway ) . This week , like last week , she was in bed resting when we arrived . I knocked on the wall next to her open door but she didn 't stir . I was pretty sure she wouldn 't want to miss our visit , though , so I went over to her bed and called her name . She stirred , and then , to my surprise , Isaac jumped up onto her bed . Last week , I 'd asked her if it was OK for him to get on her bed and she 'd been delighted and said oh yes . I think he remembered that and figured he was allowed to get up there this week , too . I would have preferred he wait to be given permission , and he and I will continue to work on that . But Millie was thrilled to suddenly discover a doggie in her bed . Isaac lay down beside her and she hugged him and cuddled him and petted him and talked to him . She was so happy to have him there . A couple times a staff person walked by the room in the hallway and Millie called out to them , wanting them to come and see the dog in bed with her . She was just so excited about it . And none of the staff seemed to have any problem at all with the dog in bed with her , which was good . I took Isaac to the vet today . Because for the past three weeks , he has been itchy and scratchy . He does not have fleas . His diet has not changed . I 'm not using any new or different cleaning products or anything like that . I thought maybe his skin was extra dry because he 's been getting more baths than usual , since we 've been spending a lot of time at various parks where he plays in mud and rolls in stink , he 's been swimming a lot , and he has to get a bath before we visit the nursing home ( says me , not the nursing home ) . I 've used baby shampoo on him as long as I 've had him , but I thought I 'd buy some expensive dog shampoo that might help , so I got some all natural , environmentally - friendly doggie shampoo that has tea tree oil and aloe vera ( and , no joke , cost 15 times as much as the cheap baby shampoo I 've always used ) . It 's supposed to be good for itchy dog skin . I also started giving him coconut oil . My skin gets dry and itchy in winter and I take flaxseed oil capsules for it and it helps a lot , but someone suggested he might enjoy coconut oil better . He gets a teaspoon a day . Cayenne gets some , too , about a quarter of a teaspoon . They both love it . They think it 's a yummy treat . They argue about who gets theirs first . It hasn 't seemed to decrease the itchiness , though , not yet . Until two days ago , I noticed no rash or other abnormality on his skin . And I 've checked . Daily . Monday I noticed a red area in the crease of one back leg . I think it 's from excessive licking , due to the itchiness . The red area isn 't infected and the skin isn 't broken or anything like that yet , but I wanted to prevent the problem from worsening . So today we went to the vet . The vet said it 's probably seasonal allergies . He said we could do allergy testing to find out for sure , but that costs about $ 500 , and he doesn 't think the information would be particularly useful anyway . He gave Isaac an injection of something for allergy symptoms and told me to keep track of what seems to make symptoms worse ( which I 've tried to do but haven 't really noticed anything so far ) . He asked what shampoo I use on Isaac and I told him I just bought some that has tea tree oil and aloe and he said , " Oh ! Tea tree oil ! That 's good . " He is pretty into natural stuff . I told him about the coconut oil , too , and he was also enthusiastic about that . The vet tech was looking at us like we were nuts . He told me to bathe Isaac after he 's been playing in weeds or rolling in weeds and stuff like that . He said if he 's not dirty or stinky , don 't worry about shampoo , but just rinse the pollen and allergens off . And to call him in a month or so when the effects of the allergy injection wear off if he 's having symptoms then . The other day I had to go to the dentist . I 've been having dental issues , which are currently still unresolved . I need to go see a periodontist , which I don 't think my Medicaid will cover , which means I 'll have to pay out of pocket , and I 'm betting it will be expensive , so I don 't want to go . Well , that 's not the only reason I don 't want to go , but it is a big reason . But I think I am going to have to because my mouth hurts and it 's hard to eat . Anyway . I usually don 't take Isaac to the dentist with me . Actually , I never have before . I think I would have a hard time maintaining control of him while the dentist is messing around in my mouth , because I wouldn 't be able to issue verbal commands , and I 'm not sure he 'd really be able to see my hands well when I 'm lying back in the dental chair in order to give hand signals instead of verbal commands ( I don 't have hand signals for all his commands , but I do for the most common ones , like sit and lie down ) . I wasn 't even sure where I 'd put him , because usually the dentist sits on one side of the chair and the assistant sits on the other , so where would I put Isaac that he wouldn 't be in the way but I could still hold his leash and he could see my hands for hand signals ? So I never took him in the past . But I knew this was going to be a very quick visit . The dentist was just going to look in my mouth , tell me my gum still looked inflamed , and tell me I was going to need to see a periodontist . I knew that was what was going to happen , and that is in fact exactly what happened . I was feeling pretty anxious , though , and wanted to have Isaac with me . And I thought it would work out OK since it would be such a quick visit . I should also say that my dentist and his staff did fantastic , too . The receptionist didn 't say anything about Isaac when she say him . The dental assistant that led me from the waiting room to the exam room didn 't say anything about him , either . When the dentist walked in , he said , " I see you brought a body guard . " That , by the way , is the same thing he said when I brought a friend with me when I had all the work done for my bridge . The exact same thing . Other than that , he ignored Isaac . I think all that ignoring by the dentist and staff made it easier for Isaac to do a good job . He sprawled out in the waiting room and snoozed ( and drooled ) while waiting for us to be called back . He lay down where I told him in the exam room . The dental assistant was opening some packages of tools and he raised his head up and looked like he was thinking of getting up , but put his head back down when I told him to . When the dentist came in , he did the same thing , raised his head and looked like he was thinking about getting up . But again , he put his head back down when I told him to . Other than that , he just lay there with his head on his paws , quiet and still . I know there were tons of interesting new smells in that place and I was very proud of him for not trying to sniff everything . As a reward , I let him spend a long time sniffing the parking lot when we left . He found it pretty interesting , too . He 's weird that way . Yesterday I wrote about how having a service dog is not just about holding the leash . Today I met a couple friends at Panera for lunch and I counted the number of commands I issued . Lunch lasted less than one hour and from the time we got into the car at our house until the time we got into the car after lunch , I issued 14 commands to Isaac . So much for the idea of just holding the leash and issuing a couple of commands in an entire day . I paid attention to what else I had to do in order to care for and properly handle my service dog while in the restaurant , as well . I realized that I had to pay close attention to where Isaac was at all times . For instance , when I told him to go under the table and lie down , he did , and he did it the first time I told him . But I had to look under the table to make sure he was in a good spot , that he wasn 't hogging the foot room so that my friends had room to put their feet down . Later on I could tell he was wiggling under there and I had to look again to see what he was doing . Turned out he wanted to smell my friend 's shoe , which is fine , but I had to make sure he wasn 't trying to lick something , to eat something he found under there , to put his head in my friend 's lap , to get my friend to pet him , etc . He never throws up . Well , he eats grass a lot in the summer and sometimes throws a little of that back up . But he usually throws it up right after he eats it . I 've never had to clean up dog vomit in my house . Cat vomit , oh yes , that 's a regular thing . But not dog vomit . This was not grass , though . I don 't know what it was . It was a huge puddle of something . It had been a long time since he 'd eaten anything , at least , anything that I was aware of . Maybe he found and ate something that I didn 't know about . I can 't imagine what , though . My house is pretty well Isaac - proofed . It 's possible that Cayenne pooped and he ate that before I saw the poop , but well , he has eat cat poop plenty of times . It 's something I try hard to prevent but . . . well , he 's eaten it many times and it has never made him throw up before . Now that I think about it , it 's kind of surprising that he never throws up , because he does eat cat poop , he eats old food he finds lying on the side of the road ( if I don 't stop him first , which I try to do ) , he eats bugs , he guzzles lake water , I 'm pretty sure I 've seen him eat dirt , he 's been known to lick the floor ( who knows what exactly he was licking off of it ) , and he rolls in dead things when he gets the chance . Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up . Apparently he has a pretty strong stomach . But he threw up this afternoon . It was kind of sad , because afterward , he came creeping over to me , like he wanted me to fix it . It was like the way he crept over to me for help when Mike 's cat swatted him on the nose . Later , I did give him a quarter cup of kibble , which is much less than his usual meal , to see if that would stay down . It did . An hour after that , I gave him another half cup . I gave it to him in his slow feeder bowl , so he wouldn 't gulp it down , and that stayed down , too . He seems like he isn 't feeling too well , though . He went to bed right after he ate his first quarter cup of food , and he usually does not go to bed right after dinner . He got up to eat the half cup of food I gave him an hour later , and he asked to go out then , and I took him out and he peed , and then he went back to bed . I just took him out for our last pee of the night , and he seemed happy to go out and happy to be petted , but he did not jump right out of bed like he usually does . He was a bit slower than usual . His tail was wagging and he seemed affectionate , like usual . As soon as we got back in the house , he looked at me like he was wondering if I needed anything , then looked at the bedroom , then looked back at me . I told him it was night time and he could go to bed . So he did . I went in and petted him for a minute and he rolled over so I could rub his belly . I worry about Cayenne a lot . I worry that I 'll wake up one morning and find her dead . I worry that she 's going to need to go to the vet and it will cost a fortune and I won 't know how to pay for it . I worry about whether I 'm making the right decisions for her , like if surgery was the right thing to do . I worry about whether I 'll know when it 's time to euthanize her . I worry about whether she 's in too much pain or if she has a good enough quality of life . But with Isaac , I worry that he feels bad and I can 't make him feel better . I worry that I won 't know if he 's really sick and needs to go to the vet or not . The cost of the vet bills was one of the last things to cross my mind tonight , though . I worry about how I 'll do things if he is unable to work and I worry about how I 'll know when he 's feeling better and is ready to get back to his usual activities . I had planned to take him swimming this weekend but now I 'm thinking that guzzling a bunch of lake water and racing around at top speed in the heat is probably not the best thing to do when you have an upset stomach . So we definitely won 't be doing that tomorrow . I 'll see about Sunday . Maybe I 'm just used to Cayenne being ill . I feel bad for her , but most of the time I don 't feel guilty that I can 't make her feel better . Tonight I felt really bad that I couldn 't make Isaac 's tummy feel better . Yes , when I take Isaac somewhere , I have to hold the leash . I also have to issue commands . Some are two or three words , but may this dog is trained to all one word commands . But I also have to take Isaac outside to go potty . If he poops , I have to pick it up . Does this kid 's mother really think the dog can be at school all day and not pee or poop ? I have to offer him water if we are going to be somewhere for several hours . Does this kid 's mom really expect the dog to go without water for seven or eight hours ? I don 't know how long their school day is , but with the ride to and from school , it 's probably eight hours , don 't you think ? Maybe that is mom 's plan , and maybe she figures if she doesn 't give the poor dog anything to drink , then it won 't have to pee . What if the dog gets sick and throws up ? Does the mom think that the dog vomit should just be left on the floor in the classroom ? Someone would need to be responsible for cleaning that up . And as far as issuing commands , well , even if they are one word commands , it seems to me you 'd need to issue a lot of commands in the course of a school day . Let 's think about it . You 'd get on the bus and need to tell the dog to go under the seat and lie down . And let 's say the dog is super well behaved and you never need to tell it more than once and it never starts to get up before the bus arrives at school . I don 't think that 's very realistic , I think something you would need to remind it to stay down , but let 's just pretend it 's a perfect service dog . You get to school and tell the dog to get up and follow you off the bus . You either have to tell the dog to go in front of you or behind you , because the aisle on a bus isn 't really wide enough for a dog to heel . So that 's two more commands . When you get off the bus , you tell the dog to heel and you go to your classroom . That 's four commands so far , at least . Then you go to your desk and tell the dog to go under the desk and lie down . That 's five commands . Again , we 'll pretend this service dog is perfect and never ever gets up until given the command to do so . The child in question is in elementary school so he probably doesn 't change classes a lot . Let 's say he has two recess times a day , plus lunch , plus one " special , " like art or music or gym or library . So to go to your first recess , you 'd command the dog to get up , then tell the dog to heel while you went to the playground . That 's two more commands . We 're up to seven so far . You might need to give more commands while you 're on the playground , depending on what you do . Hey , maybe you could let the dog pee while you 're at recess . So you 'd give it the command to go potty . That 's eight . Then let 's say it 's time for art or music or whatever . You tell the dog to get up , tell the dog to heel , go to the art room or music room , and tell the dog to lie down . That 's 13 . And when that class is over , you tell the dog to get up , tell the dog to heel , go back to your classroom and tell the dog to go under the desk and lie down . 16 . Then it 's lunch time . You tell the dog to get up , tell the dog to heel , go to the cafeteria and get in line . When I 'm standing in a food line with Isaac , like at Subway or Chipotle , I have to tell him where to stand . Otherwise , he will flop down on the floor in people 's way . So that be three more commands . And then you 'd tell the dog to heel while you go to your table and then tell the dog to go under the table and lie down . That 's two more . We 're up to 21 now . Then it 's afternoon recess time , so you tell the dog to get up , tell the dog to heel , go out to the playground , tell the dog to pee ( because I 'm nicer than the kid 's mom that seems to think the dog should not be allowed to pee all day ) , and when recess is over , tell the dog to heel , go back to the classroom , and tell the dog to go under the desk and lie down . Now we 're up to 29 . At least . Also , somewhere in there I would have to pee myself , so I 'd have to issue more commands to tell my dog to get up , to heel while I headed to the bathroom , tell my dog what to do while I was peeing ( sit ? stand ? lie down ? oh , and leave it , when he tried to peek under the stall to see who was in the next stall ) , tell him to heel on the way back to the classroom , and tell him to lie down again when we got back to class . So that would be six more commands for me , for a total of at least 40 . It 's not just holding the leash . Plus , someone has to tell other kids and adults not to pet the dog , not to distract the dog , all that stuff . Is this second grader able to be responsible for that ? Or does the handler have to do that , too ? My latest venture to help raise money to cover the costs of my service dog is making items to sell on Etsy . I don 't have many items listed yet , but wanted to go ahead and post a link to my Etsy store . Thanks for checking it out ! Today at my apartment building , we had a community meeting . A number of tenants had been arguing about various things , they had been a lot of rumors going around , a lot of complaints , etc . , and I had suggested a meeting to the property manager and to my surprise , he took my suggestion . I considered leaving Isaac in my apartment instead of taking him to the meeting , because I thought he would have a hard time behaving well with a lot of our neighbors there . Isaac is not used to being in work mode around our neighbors , most of whom he considers good friends . A few weeks ago , we had a rummage sale , and at that time I learned that many of my neighbors were not good at remembering not to pet Isaac when he is wearing his service dog vest , either . Of course , they don 't see him in his vest very often . So I figured it would be difficult for both Isaac and our neighbors to behave during this meeting . Well , he did fantastic ! So did most of our neighbors . Of course , a couple of them had gotten a talking to after the rummage sale . Isaac did stand up and whimper a bit when a couple of his favorite people came in , but when I told him to lie down , he did . At the end of the meeting , I took off his vest and let him socialize with everyone , which he really enjoyed . It was particularly challenging for Isaac , I think , because some people came in to the meeting after it had already started , and so there was no time to let him say hello . Normally what I do if he is going to have to be working around someone he likes a lot , like if Mike and I go out to lunch or something , is I give Isaac a chance to say hello outside before we enter the restaurant . Then he is able to ignore Mike and do his job when we 're inside . But in this instance , people were coming in after the meeting had already started so I couldn 't do that in this case . Isaac and I have been working on and practicing three commands , which I mostly want him to know for when we visit residents at the nursing home . I mean , they are good commands for him to know other places , too . But I think they are particularly useful for when he 's being a therapy dog . " Lap " means he puts his head in someone 's lap . Like , he is standing in front of or beside them , and puts his had in their lap , which makes it very easy to pet him . He is good at doing lap with me but not so good at doing it with other people , because we just haven 't had the opportunity to practice much with other people . I need to recruit some of my neighbors to let Isaac practice on them . To teach him " lap , " I simply held a treat in such a position that he had to put his head in my lap in order to get the treat , and when he did , said " lap " and gave him the treat and told him " good boy ! " Initially he only put his head in my lap long enough to get the treat , of course . After he did it instantly and reliably when I had a treat in position , I started giving him the command without holding a treat in my lap . He would do it , but only for an instance . I gave him a treat and told him " good boy ! " And then , after a while , I started requiring him to keep his head there a few seconds longer in order to get the treat . I actually taught Isaac " paws up " a while ago and he will do paws up in my lap , on the side of a chair or bed , even on the bumper of my car . Basically wherever I point . I taught him paws up mainly so I could give him a command to do that when people want him to and so he would quit doing it when people don 't want him to . And I taught him " off " at the same time . However , a few weeks ago at the nursing home , when I told Isaac to do " paws up " on a woman 's bed , he jumped up into bed with her instead . I definitely don 't want him doing that . I mean , it 's fine with me if he gets in bed with a resident if they say it 's OK , but I don 't want him doing it when I just told him to do " paws up " and I haven 't asked the resident if he can get on the bed with them . So I decided I needed a command that meant for him to get up on the bed and I decided it should not be " up " or " get up " or anything that might sound too much like " paws up " because I want him to be clear about the difference between the two . So I settled on jump . We have been practicing doing " paws up " and " jump " so Isaac gets to pay attention to exactly what he 's being told to do . We 've been practicing it on my bed and also on the couch . He thinks it 's fun . By the way , I wasn 't sure how the nursing home staff would feel about Isaac getting on residents ' beds and it would be fine with me if they preferred he didn 't . He hasn 't been in many people 's beds there but so far the staff doesn 't seem to mind at all . I read somewhere online that some nursing homes have policies where they don 't want therapy dogs to lick residents , either , or at least not to lick them in the face . That would be OK with me , too , but staff at this nursing home don 't seem to mind that , either . Now , I try not to let Isaac lick anyone in the face unless they are open to being kissed by a dog . He generally doesn 't kiss people anymore , at least not in the face , unless they get in his face and make kissy noises or in some way seem to be inviting him to kiss them . If someone does that , I let them know , " He might kiss you . " If they say they don 't want doggie kisses , I make sure to keep him away from their face . But usually , when they are doing that , they are delighted to get kissed . Last week , Isaac and I were shopping at Kroger . Not the little Kroger in the little town where we live , but a larger Kroger in a larger nearby town . I was searching for chia seeds , among other things , which the little Kroger near me does not carry . The first time was at the library . We got to the top of the stairs and were both surprised to see another dog there . Isaac immediately began to bark , in a fierce " I 'm going to eat you up " way . I was startled and embarrassed by his response . The other dog just looked at him like , " What is wrong with you , you fool ? " I immediately turned and took Isaac back downstairs and out of the library . I was really upset , embarrassed and felt like a service dog owner failure . The second time was at the thrift store . We rounded a rack of clothes and found ourselves face to face with another service dog team . Isaac let out a single , loud , surprised bark . I immediately turned in the opposite direction and we went directly to the front of the store , paid for our stuff and left . The single bark was much , much better than the display of ferociousness at the library , but it still wasn 't good . Isaac was still very interested in the other dog and practically walked backward down the aisle with me , trying to look behind him at the spot where he 'd last seen the dog . When he realized I was opening a package of treats and putting some in my pocket , he gave me some of his attention but needed a fair amount of redirection . He does love treats , but he really wanted to know where that other dog was and what she was doing . I tried to make sure we didn 't get too close to the other service dog team and I succeeded in that regard . We did see them one more time as we were heading down the health food aisle . They appeared to be heading toward the front of the store , where the registers are . Again , Isaac was very interested in them but he didn 't bark or even whine . He did get a lot of treats . When we were paying for our stuff , the cashier commented that we were the second service dog team to go through her line that day . She told me the other service dog handler has been shopping there with his dog for about seven years . She told me he gets mad if people pet his dog and she didn 't seem to know why , so I explained why you aren 't supposed to pet service dogs . Then I gave her permission to say hello to Isaac , which both she and Isaac enjoyed . I had to go to the dentist yesterday . I have some weird infection or something in my gum , where my bridge is . It 's sore , it 's been sore for a while , the dentist isn 't sure what it is or what 's causing it or what to do about it . I have this gross antibiotic rinse I have to use twice a day for a week . Then I go back to the dentist and if it 's not better , I have to go see a periodontist , which will not be covered by Medicaid and will likely cost a fortune . Oh . And there is a slight possibility that the problem is caused by a fractured root of the tooth one of the crowns for my bridge is on , although no fracture shows up on the x - ray . Apparently if it is a small vertical fracture , it may not be visible on x - ray until the pieces start to separate . That would be very , very bad news , because the only way to fix it would be to remove the tooth and make a new bridge . Um , I haven 't finished paying for the first bridge yet . If that happens , I may have to end up toothless for a good while . Then there is my income situation . I am waiting for my landlord to do the paperwork that will allow my rent to be reduced based on the decrease in my income . But he is not in a big rush to do that , I guess , and my income is reduced now but my rent won 't go down until next month . Maybe . If I 'm lucky . It could end up taking longer than that . As soon as he got out of the water , he rolled in dirt . Then he had to go back in for another swim . After which he rolled in more dirt . See a pattern here ? We had a picnic lunch and after we 'd eaten , my friend ask if he could give Isaac some of his leftover chicken . Isaac was quite pleased . He ate it all in about 30 seconds . He said it was a great day . Last night was the night of the fireworks at the county fairgrounds near my home . My apartment building is on a slight hill and there is a great view of the fireworks from the front lawn , or so I 'm told . Last year , Isaac and I stayed in the house . He was a bit nervous during the fireworks but not too bad . I thought this year , we 'd try going outside with all our neighbors to watch . I expected him to be a bit uncomfortable but I thought it would be manageable . I was wrong . Isaac had a great time waiting for the fireworks to begin because all his friends and a bunch of people he didn 't know but quickly made friends with were hanging out outside . He got plenty of pets and kisses and had a wonderful time . Then the fireworks started . Isaac tried to bolt . It was all I could do to hang on to the leash . He practically dragged me to the front door . Once we got inside the lobby of our building , he managed to pull the leash out of my hand . He ran to the elevator and waiting impatiently for me to get there , to push the button and for the door to open . On the ride upstairs , he huddled against my leg , shaking . I felt terrible that he was so scared . Once we got upstairs , he pulled me down the hallway to our door and waited impatiently for me to unlock it . Once we got inside , he seemed a bit better . He lay down in a corner of the living room and I sat beside him for a minute , petting him and telling him it was OK . I didn 't want to end up reinforcing the idea that the fireworks were actually dangerous , though , so after a minute I moved to the couch and got on my laptop . He looked tense until the fireworks ended , then seemed all right . Cayenne , on the other hand , was already hiding under the bed when Isaac and I got back to the apartment ( as I knew she would be ) and she did not come out for more than an hour after they ended . Apparently she got hungry and decided to chance it . However , I found it interesting , and kind of sweet , that he apparently felt his home was the safest place he could be . He didn 't just want to get in the building to hide somewhere . He wanted to be in his house . And while he was still nervous , he felt a lot better once he got inside the house . I 'm glad Isaac feels safe here . I 'm glad he thinks home is a place he can go to be safe . One of the women we always visit , I will call Sue . Three different staff people told me , before we got to Sue 's room , to make sure we stopped in and saw her , that she was really looking forward to seeing Isaac . She adores Isaac and he adores her . She is the one that told him , on our first visit , that she would give him her fried chicken at lunch if he would stay all day with her . Sue talks to Isaac a lot . She talks to me a little , but talks to him a lot . Today she told him she was sorry she didn 't have a treat for him . I pulled one out of my pocket and handed it to her , which delighted her . She offered it to Isaac , who of course gobbled it up with much happy slobbering . Remember the woman that , on our very first visit , was hesitant to pet Isaac but then seemed to really enjoy petting him and announced , repeatedly , that he was furry ? Well , today she noticed us approaching and reached out towards him to indicate that she was eager to pet him . She didn 't talk to us today , but she clearly was aware of his presence and happy to pet and interact with him . We visited one woman today that seemed pretty confused , but she was able to have a conversation about Isaac 's ears . I think Isaac has the softest ears ever , and when I noticed her touching them gently , I told her that . She agreed , repeating , " The softest ears ever . " Then she said , " Like velvet . " She lives in the Alzheimer 's unit and I was surprised she was able to make that observation . Another woman we usually visit , I will call Millie . Millie was sleeping last week when we visited so she didn 't get to see Isaac then , but the week before , she was absolutely thrilled to see him . She was thrilled today , too . She seemed a bit more confused than usual today , but still recognized Isaac and was thrilled that he was there . She was sitting on her bed and I asked her if it was OK if Isaac got up on the bed with her and she said , " Oh yes ! " So Isaac jumped up there and lay down beside her and she hugged him and cuddled him and petted him . She wanted to talk to me about Isaac but she was hard to understand today because she just seemed pretty confused . But it was clear she was saying positive things about Isaac and he seemed to understand her just fine . A couple of visitors asked if they could pet Isaac and I said , " Of course , that 's why he 's here ! He comes to get petted by everyone . " Visitors always seem happy to see Isaac , too . |
Anyway you slice it , divorce is the shits . No matter how badly you want to get rid of your spouse , the whole process is set up to humiliate and aggravate , not to mention skinning you of every dime either your ex or the lawyers can extract . Looking back on it , I guess I got off better than some , but probably no better than average . I ended up being Carl McCormick , single father , living two thousand miles from my home and my two sons . My ex - wife , Sharise , was getting more and more unhappy , and was taking it out on me and the boys . I had asked her a number of times what the problem was , but never got an answer I could understand . She was just unhappy . I asked her if I was the problem and after hemming and hawing , she admitted I was . Apparently I wasn 't living up to her version of the American Dream and I was disappointing her . Sharise and I had married when I got her pregnant after we had been dating for several months . She was supposedly on the pill , but I guess they aren 't foolproof , so I was going to be a daddy . I was raised to accept my responsibilities and so I told Sharise we would be getting married . I 'm not so sure she was all for the idea , but she went along with it when her parents put some pressure on . We were both nineteen , and I was just beginning my way to earning my mechanics ticket through the apprentice program , so we weren 't exactly rolling in money . We were living in her parent 's basement to start with . Sharise didn 't want to work since she was pregnant and I couldn 't argue with her , so I started burning the candle at both ends . I was serving my apprenticeship during the day and moonlighting at a service station at night . Between the two jobs , we made enough to get by , but only just . When Charles was born , I was a pretty happy father . I had a son and he would be my pride and joy . I spent all the spare time I had with him , helping Sharise everywhere I could . I got pretty good at changing diapers and feeding him his bottle in the middle of the night . What little sleep I got was in fits and starts . Little Chuck wasn 't a year old when Sharise found out she was pregnant again . She was not pleased , but wouldn 't even consider getting rid of the baby . I was glad of that . When Lawrence was born , I had two sons and I couldn 't have been any happier than if I 'd won the lottery . It was a tough pregnancy for Sharise being so soon after her first one , so once again , I had to help out with both boys . When I look back on it , I figure that 's why the boys and I have always been tight . I think I must have held them , and changed them , and fed them , and read stories to them more than Sharise ever did , so it was only natural they 'd be close to me . No matter how tired I was from lack of sleep or long hours at work , I would always find the energy to look after my boys . Sharise told me straight out that she wasn 't going to have sex with me any more until I got " fixed . " So , against my better judgment , I got the snip job done to prevent any more accidents . I couldn 't complain , really . I had two fine sons and every day that I looked at them and watched them grow I found I was more and more proud of them . Now I don 't want you getting the idea that Sharise was a poor mother . She wasn 't . She was good to the boys and made sure they were fed and clothed and later on when they were in school , she 'd help with their homework too . If she had one problem , it was that she wasn 't a good cook . In fact , she was terrible in the kitchen , so more often than not , we would have store - bought dinners or fast - food takeout stuff . Not exactly health food , but we all survived . I 'm a pretty big guy at six - foot - two and about two hundred pounds . I work hard and don 't have the time or the inclination to drink a lot of beer , so between my two jobs and looking after the boys , I stayed in pretty good shape . As I watched the boys grow , I could see they were going to be big like me and I wasn 't wrong . Now at almost seventeen , Chuck was already my height , but not as heavy , and Larry was almost six foot and a bit bigger boned . They were going to be big dudes when they were full grown . Sharise is a good looking woman . I didn 't get no booby prize when I chose her . She was five - foot - six and even after giving birth to the boys , she didn 't weigh much more than the one - twenty when I married her . Pretty good boobs and a nice ass . All around , she was a fine looking woman . I got my HDM ticket when Chuck was six and just starting school . I was finally able to quit my second job and get a regular night 's sleep . I did work some overtime , but not so much that it cut into our family life . We could now go out to the movies , or to a proper restaurant for a meal once in a while . As time went on and I started earning more money , things got better again . Sharise didn 't want to work , but I didn 't mind since that would mean she was home with the boys and looking after them full time . She did want a car to get around in , though . I had my truck , but I needed that for my work , so I went looking for something to buy that wouldn 't break the bank and still make my wife happy . I found a nice , clean Honda Accord that I thought was perfect for her and took her down to see it . She didn 't want any part of that car . She said it was an " old ladies car " and flat out refused to drive it . Well , she took a walk around the lot and wouldn 't you know , she spotted a Ford Explorer that struck her fancy . I knew right off that it was going to be a couple of thousand more than I wanted to spend , but I couldn 't get her off the idea . She said that it wasn 't just a car , but a practical necessity . In the end , you guys know who wins those arguments , don 't you . She drove the Explorer home with me following behind . I 'd be working some weeks of overtime to pay for this one . Our life went along pretty good , I thought . When Chuck was in grade four , me and Sharise had been married ten years and we had a little celebration with our family and went down to Disney World . I knew Sharise wanted to go there , so it was an easy choice . It was the first proper vacation we 'd ever had outside of visiting my parents in Ohio each summer . They live on a farm and the boys always liked going there in the summer . Sharise wasn 't all that thrilled , but didn 't have any better ideas at the time . After Disney World , she started in about proper vacations every year . I was making pretty good money with my overtime ; usually over fifty thousand per . We owned a small three bedroom house just on the outside of town and my wife had the freedom to get around in her SUV when she wanted to . She joined the fitness center and started going there twice a week in the evenings . I guess she met up with some other women there , and once in a while , they 'd go out and have a drink or two before coming home . A couple of years ago , I noticed she was getting a bit later getting home and I talked to her about it . I was worried that she might be drinking too much and driving and she didn 't need a DUI on her record . She took my words to heart and said she wouldn 't drink more than one before changing to soda or coffee . I felt better about that . Well , I guess I was being played for a fool for some time . The boys got wind of it first . They spotted her riding around town in her Explorer with another guy in the front seat . When they asked her who he was , she got all fussed about it , and wouldn 't tell them , just that he was someone she was giving a ride to . They didn 't make a big deal of it with her , and they didn 't tell me either . A couple of weeks later Chuck saw their mother and the same guy in a restaurant , looking quite friendly . He was on his way to work at the grocery store when he walked by the window of the restaurant , he saw them in there and waved . I couldn 't figure out what was wrong with Sharise that evening , but she was upset about something . When Chuck got in from work just after seven , she got even jumpier . Sometime later , I guess she got with Chuck and let him know there was nothing going on with her and that fellow she saw her with . They were just having a coffee and talking and please don 't mention it to your father . Well , Chuck isn 't stupid and he figured something was up , so naturally he came to the one person he could trust to give him advice - me . I told him to leave it with me and not say anything to Larry , but I was too late for that . He 'd already mentioned it to his brother , so I talked to both of them and said I would handle it and not to say anything to their mother . I had a sick feeling about what might be going on , but I wanted to know for sure . When I thought about it , the only time Sharise could " entertain " a boyfriend was when the boys were in school and I was at work . I decided to do a little detective work on my own . It was only about fifteen minutes from the shop to home and it was easy for me to take off at lunch and drive home to see if there was anything suspicious going on . The first couple of days there was no sign that things weren 't normal . I could peek in the side window and see through to the kitchen and I could see Sharise having her lunch by herself , so I assumed everything was okay . I parked in the back lane so she wouldn 't know I was around , and once I was sure she was by herself , I went back to work . After three days I 'd come to the conclusion that if she was fooling around , she was doing it after the boys left for school , or after lunch . Either way , she had a couple of hours free and clear . When I thought about it some more , I figured I needed a couple more clues to help me out , but I was damned if I knew what they would be . Then , one clue fell out of the mailbox . Our phone bill always showed the numbers called and the number calling . Sharise always paid the bill promptly and I don 't know what she did with the statement , but it wasn 't lying around . I waited until she went out shopping on Saturday before I started to look . I found her stack of statements for gas , electric , water , and telephone in the back of her side of the closet . They were all put away neatly in a shoe box . I pulled out the last four phone statements and sat down to look at them . I knew some of the numbers by heart , of course . The boys ' cell phones , her cell phone , my cell phone , the home number , the shop number , and a couple of her friends . There were four other numbers I didn 't recognize , so I copied them down and put the statements back where I found them . I figured the simplest way to find out who those numbers belonged to was to call them . The first number I dialed was the drug store . No problem , I just hung up telling them it was a wrong number . The second number turned out to be the exercise place . Again , wrong number and I hung up . The third number didn 't answer , but the voice mail picked up . I dialed the fourth number and it turned out to be our doctor . I can 't remember Sharise or the boys having a doctor 's appointment , but if she did , my medical insurance statement would show it . The call had been made two months ago . I took a chance and called the doctor 's office back . " Hello , this is Carl McCormick calling . I 've just been going over my Health Insurance statement and I found a charge I couldn 't remember what for . Can you help me ? " I should know what an I . U . D . was , but I wasn 't sure . Easy enough to find out . I went to our computer and " googled " it . That 's when I knew I was in trouble . It was a birth control device , and since I 'd already had a vasectomy , she wasn 't worried about me getting her pregnant . It was for someone else . I sat in the living room for a while , feeling sick and defeated . There wasn 't much doubt now that she was having an affair . It was a matter of where and when and who with . I wouldn 't be satisfied until I knew the answers to all those questions , so I got up and went out to my truck and took off for town . I stopped at a Radio Shack and talked to a guy about recording telephone calls and how hard it was to hook something up . Turns out it wasn 't hard at all , and the machine wasn 't that expensive either . I bought it and took it home and installed it in the basement . We only had one phone line , but there was an extension in the basement and I used that to hook up the recorder . Sharise never went near my workshop for fear of getting dirty , so I wasn 't worried about her discovering it . I had a hell of a time acting normal around my wife . I knew , or at least I was pretty sure that she was cheating on me . The I . U . D . was the most damning evidence , but I was hoping the rest of the unanswered questions would be looked after by the telephone recorder . It wasn 't a perfect plan since she had a cell phone , but it was a start . I didn 't get a chance to check the recorder on Monday night , so I waited until she went to her exercise class on Tuesday before I got to it . It didn 't take me long to have my worst fears confirmed . His name was Soren Phillipson and he worked at the exercise place . As far as I could tell , they had been meeting about twice a week during the afternoons and this had been going on for about two months . What I didn 't know was where they met . I looked up Phillipson in the phone book and found only one S . Phillipson listed , with an address that I copied down . It looked like an apartment number , but I thought I would drive over there and find out . Sure enough , it was one of those cheap , three storey wood frame buildings with about twelve apartments . I couldn 't see any sign of Sharise 's Explorer in the parking lot , so I walked into the lobby and checked the mail boxes . S . Phillipson was in apartment 303 , which I assumed was the top floor . " Excuse me , Sir , " I said politely . " Do you know if a Mrs . Jane Phillipson is the wife of S . Phillipson ? I have a delivery for her . " " Oh . Looks like there 's been a screw - up . I better go back to the office and see if I can get it straightened out . Thanks for your help . " I walked back to the car . So Soren was a single guy . One more piece of information . I was now guessing that they were meeting at this apartment , and I would stake it out the next time they planned to meet . I was sure I 'd get that information off the phone recorder , and I was right . They had their next session set up for Thursday afternoon . I had no problem getting Thursday afternoon off for a doctor 's appointment . I was surprised that I wasn 't raging mad at my wife for her cheating ways . I felt more sad than anything . I had already decided I was going to divorce her ; that was for certain now . I wasn 't going to let her get away with this without letting her know I knew . I waited until a little after two before I drove to Phillipson 's apartment building and walked up the stairs to the third floor . A quick look told me that there was no one in the hallway and I parked myself across from the door to 303 . I had what seemed like a long wait . I didn 't hear anyone inside until almost three - thirty when it sounded like someone was coming near the door . I moved along the hallway just off the knob side of the door . I wanted my surprise to be complete . The door opened and there was my wife in a lip - lock with some guy I 'd never seen before . He had his hands on her ass and was squeezing her cheeks pretty good before they broke apart . Sharise kissed him once more , then turned to walk down the hall and ran straight into me . " Based on what I saw just now between you and your pal Soren , I 'd say you were doing everything wrong , Sharise . And don 't try and tell me nothing was happening in his apartment for the last two hours . I know better . " " Don 't come home , Sharise . You aren 't welcome there . Get yourself a lawyer . You 're going to need one . If you want your shit , it 'll be in the garage . Your opener will still work until I change the code tomorrow at six o ' clock . Don 't phone me or the boys . Oh . . . by the way . It was the boys who busted you . How does that make you feel ? " I 'm not one for denial . I had to accept that the marriage was dead , so I got ahold of a lawyer and he filed the papers on Sharise , citing irreconcilable differences to get it over and done with as soon as possible . Sharise never tried to talk to me and must have pretty well figured out I wasn 't the forgiving kind . As usual in a no - fault state , there are no winners - only losers . Sharise never worked a day in her life as far as I knew . I made good money and she spent as much or more of it as she could . I was working overtime just to keep up with her . Now , she was going to need to get herself a job and it was going to be a big shock to her . When we got to family court , that 's when I got screwed , having to pay her alimony and letting her back in the house . The child support was no problem , but she wouldn 't be handling it and she could damn well whistle for alimony . I kind of knew the lay of the land when it came to family court , so I wasn 't caught by surprise . In my case , she got half my retirement , half the house , half our savings , and half of our cars . Throw in the child support and alimony , and needless to say , I came out the loser financially , despite the fact that she cheated and freely admitted it . When all was said and done , she must have gotten some satisfaction for a couple of weeks until I quit my job and left town . They don 't put out all points bulletins for runaway exs , not even me . That 's what I 've become , a runaway ex . Sharise made a big stink about looking after our boys , Chuck and Larry , even though at sixteen and fifteen they pretty much look after themselves . If they 're lucky , she won 't poison them with her cooking . So when she figures out that I 've taken my truck , my share of the savings and checking account , and left town without a goodbye , not to mention no alimony or child support check for her , she 'll know how it feels to be really screwed . I didn 't worry about the house . The mortgage isn 't big , but there isn 't enough equity to amount to anything , so it 's all hers , complete with payments and my blessing . The boys can look after themselves as long as she feeds them and gives them a bed to sleep in . I reckon they 'll give Sharise a hard time for a while . As far as they were concerned , I was a great dad . I told Chuck and Larry about my plans , and they were all for it . Getting the old lady off her ass and out looking for a job would be a start . I told them that if they couldn 't hack it , to call me on my new cell phone and let me know . I 'd swing by and pick them up and all three of us would be gone . I know it sounds like I 'm leaving the boys without any financial support , but that 's just not so . I set up an account that Chuck could access and put a thousand dollars in it . It was going to have to last them at least a month until I found a job and could send them some more . I 'd already looked after the rest of the household bills . I was going to make sure that the money I was supposed to pay in child support wasn 't going anywhere near my ex - wife . Knowing her , the boys would be lucky to see half of it while she spent the rest on herself . Chuck and Larry were in on the deal , of course , and sworn to secrecy . They really wanted to stay in our home town since that 's where all their friends were ( including girl friends of course ) , and where they 'd gone to school their whole lives . So , as long as Sharise didn 't abuse them or make them suffer , I would make sure they were going to be okay . Chuck had a part - time job after school and on Saturdays at the grocery store , so he had some cash . Larry wasn 't old enough to get a real job yet , so he did odd jobs in the neighborhood . Earlier that week , I had moved half our checking account and savings to a new account I opened in my name , along with a new credit card . I also cancelled our only credit card that was in both our names . There was only about a hundred dollars on it , so it was no big deal , but I didn 't want her running up a bunch of new charges on it , just the same . Now if this sounds like a real loosey - goosey plan , you 're wrong . I had this deal all figured out . Remember I told you that sometimes good comes with the bad . All my days I had wanted to own an Airstream motorhome . Well , a little looking on the internet turned up several for sale , but the one that caught my eye wasn 't that far away . I horse - traded with a guy over in Duluth , Minnesota who wanted to sell his ' 89 Airstream 325 motorhome . I would swap him my ' 05 Silverado Heavy Duty straight up for the motorhome . It was a good deal for me , since he 'd been looking for only $ 30k for the Airstream . It had a nearly - new Cummins turbo diesel , new tires , refurbished kitchen , and all the accessories you could ever want . I phoned the old guy who was selling it after his wife died and we cut a deal . Of course , it was all conditional on both the motorhome and my truck being " as advertised . " I quit my job over the protests of my boss who was all set to give me a raise . I felt bad about that , but when I explained what was going on with my life , he understood . He didn 't like it , but he understood . I got my holiday pay along with my regular paycheck and put them in my new personal account . I packed my stuff , said a tearful goodbye to Chuck and Larry , and headed out to Minnesota to pick up my Airstream . I arrived the next day and the old fellow took me out to see it . It was in perfect shape and everything he said about it was true . I was nearly dizzy with excitement and it was all I could do to calm down enough to listen as he told me how things worked and what they were for . Why , he 'd even taken the trouble to write all this stuff down so if I did forget and got myself into problems , I 'd have something to help me along the way . I hated to part with my Silverado , but owning an Airstream had been an almost life - long dream of mine . Ever since I saw the very first one I knew that was the machine that someday I wanted to have . Now that dream had come true , although it was mixed up with a nightmare at the same time . It 's a shame they don 't make them any more . It took me a while to get used to the big unit , but every hour I spent in it told me I 'd made the smartest deal I 'd ever done . All I needed now was a job that I could make some decent money at and I 'd be doing fine . I 've got my ticket as a heavy duty mechanic and the way I look at it , guys like me are always in demand . It 's just that the demand wouldn 't be in my home town . Chuck and Larry kept me informed on my cell phone and by e - mail on how they were doing . Seemed like they were okay so far . Sharise had spent most of her time trying to find a job that paid more than Walmart . One thing for sure , she didn 't have any time or money to be screwin ' around in some tavern or dance hall . Finally , she got a job at one of the box plants working in the shipping department . In the meantime , I was doing fine in Hermiston . I rented a serviced space for the Airstream and got set up to use it as a mobile bachelor pad . It had quick disconnects for the power , water , and sewer , so I could drive it to work or cut out for a weekend getaway whenever I wanted . It was a whole hell of a lot cheaper than renting an apartment . |
The last time I made Aegis cry was 2 or 3 years ago . We were at a party , and I remember quite a few people cloistered around the dining room table , some were seated , some were standing . I was fortunate to have a seat . Aegis was fortunate to be sitting across from me . She was acting a little flippant about the trip . " Yeah , I 'm going to head down there , you know , hang out , see what 's what . " The women around her couldn 't have been more supportive . I 'm sure they said things like " Have a great time " and " Be careful , " but I wasn 't listening to their words . I was listening to their tone . And , to me , their tone sounded a lot like " Oooh , a boy ! Ooooh , a boy ! How exciting ! " I was annoyed at all of them that day while I sat at that table . But like a good father , I kept my mouth shut . I figured she was old enough to do whatever she wanted or chase whomever she wanted , and I couldn 't stop her . That 's basically what I told her when she asked me , " What do you think about my trip to Texas ? " " It 's your life , you 're an adult , don 't let me stop you . But since you 're asking me what I think , I 'm happy to answer . I can tell you right now that I hate this boy . I don 't like that he 's fine with the idea of you hopping on a plane and going to some strange city so you can test the waters . What happens if you don 't hit it off ? Is he going to dump you on some street corner and leave you to walk around in your insensible shoes ? If he wants to see you , he can get on a plane and come to our front door and take you out on a proper date . Then he can bring you home at a reasonable hour . That 's what I think . " She thought I was being harsh , and started to cry . " It 's all set up . He 's paid for the plane ticket and everything . " " I don 't care . You asked me what I thought . Whether you go or not , that 's your decision . I 'm just telling you how I 'm going to feel about him . " There were tears and pleas . " But , dad ! But , dad ! " She wanted me to approve of her trip , but I wouldn 't . I figured I would be proud of her no matter what she did . If she went , I would be proud of her for her rebel ways . If she didn 't go , I would be proud of her for her practicality . She couldn 't lose where I was concerned . Besides , this wasn 't a matter of me approving of her . It was a matter of me approving of her boyfriend . Maybe she cared if I approved of him . Maybe she didn 't . OK , she cared . Shortly after the party , she called M and told him that she was not going to Texas . He reminded her that he had already bought the plane ticket , and it was non - refundable . She didn 't budge . He was not happy . Aegis was not happy . But I was . I really liked M that day . Not only did he eat that ticket , he eventually started talking to my daughter again . And the next time they saw each other , it was in Utah . I learned nearly 22 years ago that it takes almost nothing to make my daughter cry . We were in Salt Lake City visiting one of K 's acquaintances who happened to live in a huge apartment building . K was holding Aegis ( which gives you an idea of how small Aegis was at the time ) while we waited for the elevator to reach our floor . Out of nowhere , Aegis slapped K in the face . My hands and arms were free , so I rushed to K 's defense and lightly tapped Aegis across the face . I was very proud of myself that day , and wondered who could benefit from my parenting technique . So I told a friend what I did to discipline my little pugilist . Then I waited for the compliments . This friend said to me , " We don 't like to teach our kids non - violence with violence . " I felt like a schmuck . And I vowed then and there to never lay a hand on my child again , a promise that I maintain to this day . It 's a good thing I didn 't say I wouldn 't kick her because then I would have felt really guilty . The one time I did kick her , right to the face , was a complete accident . One afternoon when Aegis was about 3 , I was lying on my bed reading . I never heard Aegis sneak in the room , I only felt the bite on my foot . Having the reflexes of a panther , I kicked hard , completely unaware of my target . Only when I put down my book did I realize that I sent Aegis flying across the room . She cried that time , too . Sigh . If I could take back the hurt I have caused , I would … except for that one time , on that glorious winter day , when we went outside to play in the snow . I think Aegis was no more than 2 . We had this old infant car seat in the garage that resembled a bathtub . I never trusted it as a safety device in the car but thought it would make an excellent snow sled . And I was right . I tied this rope to the front and put Aegis in this ridiculously over - insulated snow suit . She had more padding than the Michelin Man . We started out having so much fun that day . I pulled her everywhere in that sled . It felt like we were out there in that snow for hours . Whenever I stopped to take a little break , she would yell , " More , more . " I could barely move my legs . Fortunately , the parking lot was like an ice rink . With little effort , I could get that sled skidding across the ice , and since I wasn 't moving my legs much , the sled naturally fell into a nice , easy whip . I found that if I kept the rope taut , the sled would go faster and faster . Then I saw a way out . I pulled that rope tighter and tighter . The sled whipped around me at an alarming speed . Oh , I 'll give you more , I thought . With blessed relief , the sled eventually flipped , and Aegis rolled across that parking lot like a tumbleweed in a hurricane . Or a man on fire . She spun out of control , and even though she was well cushioned in her snow suit , she cried . But we got to go home , and that was all I cared about at that point . She got her revenge eventually . When she was in sixth grade , she wrote a report on Beethoven . She described how Beethoven 's father would often drag young Beethoven out of bed and force him to play for his drunken friends . In Aegis 's report , she mentioned that Beethoven 's father beat the young boy often , whacking him across the head . Some speculate that these incessant beatings resulted in Beethoven losing his hearing . At the end of her report , Aegis wrote : " My dad is a lot like Beethoven 's dad . " For weeks after she turned in her paper , I jumped every time the doorbell rang . Planning my daughter 's wedding has become a family affair . We talk about it all the time . I 'm just as involved in the discussion as my wife and two daughters . When we were discussing the wedding dress , I said , " Why do you have to have a wedding dress ? " When the subject of a cake came up , I said , " Why do you have to have a cake ? " When Aegis tossed around a few ideas about dresses for her bridesmaids , I said , " Why do you have to have bridesmaids ? " " Do you have a photographer yet ? " she said . My daughter does not , so the rep told her about a photographer with reasonable rates who did incredible work . Now keep in mind that Aegis is wearing her mother 's wedding dress , which K will tailor . The reception hall is free . The church my wife and daughters attend will loan tables and white tablecloths . K is making the cake . This wedding is shaping up to be so modestly priced that we have yet to meet a corner that needs cutting . " I 'm going to give you this photographer 's number , and I want you to promise me that you will call him , " the rep said . " A word of advice : get married at sunrise . That 's what me and my husband did . We were married on the beach at Cabo . The sun was rising in the east and a full moon was setting in the west , and this photographer was able to capture both in one shot . It was magnificent . At the reception I made all of the guests wear nothing but white , and I wore a bright red dress . I was like a rose in snow . It was the most beautiful wedding you 've ever seen , and we were featured in a bridal magazine . " My daughter told me this story while we were on a three mile run . I listened closely and tried to imagine the amount of planning that must have gone into that wedding , not to mention the cost . Then I imagined my daughter planning something equally as ambitious . " Do you have to have a photographer ? " I asked . I suppose a wedding in Cabo would be fun . I would definitely like to be invited to such an occasional , as long as I could stay in my room or at the pool , and as long as I didn 't have to wear all white . I would be happiest at that wedding if I could observe from a distance . I would want to be far enough away where I could see the people but not make out any of the faces , where I could hear music but no make out any of the lyrics . I would recline in a comfortable chaise longue , good book in hand , with an occasion interruption from a fellow guest who wandered in my direction to see how I was doing . K would be that guest . And she would bring me food and catch me up on the latest . That would be a fun wedding . Then , when my brother - in - law and his wife , who would also be attending the wedding , had their fill of mingling with the wedding party , they would come my way and we would play canasta . That would be a good invite . K and I have been to Cabo only one time . We stayed one week . A full week at a resort without our kids , which was something we hadn 't done in twenty years . We had no plans to go scuba diving or parasailing . All we wanted was 7 consecutive days by the pool and 7 consecutive days of sex . Something else we hadn 't done in twenty years . Our hotel was 45 minutes from the airport . We shared a ride to the hotel with 3 other couples , maybe 4 . During the ride , I remember being distracted by the abundance of desert flora , which went on for miles . I was also distracted by the woman behind me who wouldn 't stop talking . She , too , went on for miles . She was , what you call , savvy . She bought property when it was low , and sold it when it was high . She knew her way around Mexico , where to eat , where to shop , where to stay , when to stay , and she schooled us all . " Never do your shopping when you see a cruise ship docking . The local merchants triple their prices . " I had a window seat in that van with a pretty good view of a Carnival ship floating out there in the bay of Cabo . I also had a good view of the city of Cabo and what looked to me like unmistakable poverty . I imagined all of the locals frantically running from their ramshackle one - and two - room homes and changing all the prices on the merchandise . Then I imagined the cruise ship tourists , stomachs bloated from hours of feeding at all - you - can - eat buffets and dessert bars , pouring into the streets of Cabo and paying $ 18 for a souvenir sombrero that should have retailed for $ 6 . I soaked in the reality that we were 8 or so Americans speeding down a Mexican highway in an air - conditioned van , a specially permitted van that was authorized to enter the resort where we were all staying . We 'd just flown into a foreign country , something the locals in Cabo would likely never experience , and after doing our best to shield ourselves from the poverty of Mexico by hiding within the walls of the resort , we would return to the richest country in the world . I scolded this woman in my mind for her selfishness . Lady , I thought , you should gladly pay these poor people 10 times the price . That 's what I gladly did … again , in my mind , as I am a person who does not like to shop . My mind was very active on that drive to the resort . I remember thinking as we passed retaining walls and various building , Hmmm … . looks like they sell spray paint in Mexico . I also thought it was interesting that none of the men in the van were speaking . Only the women . There we were , 4 or 5 men in the van with nothing to say to each other . I 'm not sure what these men saw when they looked at me , but from my viewpoint , they looked like still - life paintings . And while my mind was abuzz with musings and fantasies and judgments , these other men appeared to be , from the neck up , completely at rest . I wondered , Is it just me , or are they thinking too ? I didn 't dare ask , for fear that maybe , unbeknownst to me , real men don 't think . I don 't think real men say " unbeknownst " either . We immediately settled into a routine at the resort : morning walks along the beach , mid - morning , afternoon and early evening lounging at the pool , dinner at night , then sex . That was our itinerary for seven straight days . And we stayed the course . By day 5 we would spring from the bed ready for our sandy stroll . Then we would stake out a couple of chaise longues at the pool . We 'd have books , crossword puzzles , peanut M & Ms , cashews , and cokes in tow and not move for hours . After the sun went down , we 'd head for our room for a little hanky panky . And while , in the early days of our trip , we had the vigor of a 20 year - olds in the bedroom , by day 5 , our stamina began to wane . Nevertheless , we had a goal . We 'd return to our room at night , sigh , and say , " OK , if we 're going to do this , let 's just get it over with . " At the beginning of our trip , we derived pleasure from the act itself ; towards the end , we triumphed in its completion . " OK ! Good job ! Two more days to go ! " We have this rule during bedroom fun : nobody leaves until we 've both climaxed . This rule presented a bit of a challenge by day five . Our expressions of physical love didn 't feel much different than starting a stubborn car . RRRRRRrrreeehhhRRRRRRrrrreeeeehhhRRRRRrrrreeehhh … . " C ' mon baby , c ' mon ! " … . . RRRRRRrrreeehhhRRRRRRrrrreeeeehhhRRRRRrrrreeehhh … . " C ' mon baby , c ' mon ! " Then we 'd stop and let things settle . We 'd take a deep breath , then RRRRRRrrreeehhhRRRRRRrrrreeeeehhhRRRRRrrrreeehhh … . " C ' mon baby , c ' mon ! " Then , the relief when our engines fired . " Two more days to go ! " By day seven , our expressions of physical love felt more like CPR . We tried anything to get the heart beating . " Stay with me , stay with me . 1 , 2 , 3 CLEAR ! 1 , 2 , 3 CLEAR ! " Then , when we reached that " blip " - what euphoria in knowing that we weren 't completely dead , plus the euphoria in knowing that we could turn on the TV again . My daughter has some decisions to make about her soon - to - be married name . Her fiancé 's got one of those combo deals , separated by a hyphen . As family lore goes , great grandpa and great grandma had a baby out of wedlock ( I could be off a generation or two ) . To keep the villagers from rioting , great grandpa and great grandma decided the baby would take on a his - and - her surname . Eventually , the love child with two last names grew and had sons of his own , and those sons had sons , until one day my future son - in - law was born . By the time the name reached M 's generation , the hyphen had weakened . M uses only the name that falls to the left of the hyphen . He has brothers who go exclusively by the name that falls to the right . His mother uses only the first initial of each last name , abandoning the hyphen altogether . K was faced with a similar decision when we got married . She had to decide what her last name would be . As we were filling out the marriage license , I watched in bewilderment as K wrote down my last name as her new name . " Why ? I don 't even like my last name . You have an incredible opportunity to choose any name in the world . Why are you picking mine ? " I should have seen the signs that day that we were completely incompatible . Sometime after we were married , and before K was pregnant with our first child , I decided I liked the name " Aegis " . K hated it . " Steve thinks we 're going to name our daughter Aegis . He 's crazy if he thinks I 'm agreeing to that . I hate it . It 's not even a real name . " Everyone she told agreed that K should put her foot down - right on top of the name Aegis . When K got pregnant , her friends and the people she worked with would joke about the name Aegis . They 'd say to K , " How 's little Aegis , how 's little Aegis , " and they would all laugh . They joked about it so much that K could not get the name out of her head . Whenever I asked her to suggest a name for the baby , all she could come up with was Aegis . She was extremely frustrated and nervous that I would win out , and that our baby , if she were a girl , would be called Aegis . I felt a little sorry for K and started giving her name suggestions . After all , I had already chosen a name , and I figured it was only fair that K chose one too . We went through a long list of names . No , no , no , no , no . I was exhausted . A day or two before our daughter 's birth , I mentioned the name " Sadie " . K liked it well enough , and I had no strong feelings against it , so we agreed , if we had a girl , we would name her Sadie Aegis . Of course , we did have a girl , and she has that name to this day … sort of . While K was recovering in the maternity ward , I went to the administration office of the hospital to fill out paper work . In the name section of the birth record , I wrote " Sadie Aegis 1 . " For no good reason whatsoever , I thought I would add the birth order number in each of our children 's names . Anyway , the clerk helping me took the form and wrote in my last name , which really bugged , but I figured my daughter could drop it later . A few days later , K and I were at home in bed . The lights were out and all was quiet . I took a chance that K was still awake and said , " I have a confession to make , " and I contritely told her what I had written on the birth record . " And I know that it will stay that way forever because you 're too lazy to go down there and change it " I said . I was surprised that she didn 't argue , and I fell asleep in peace . The next night was much like the night before . We were lying in bed . The room was dark . We both assumed the quiet would last till morning . Then K said , " I have a confession to make . " She told me the hospital called and wondered if there was a mistake in the birth record . " There 's a number ONE in her name , and we can 't tell what the middle name should be because it 's horribly misspelled . Should we take that number one out ? " Yes , K said . She told me this little story then laughed and went right to sleep . Soon after , K and I went down to the county building to settle our daughter 's name once and for all . K was adamant that we leave the number out . I was adamant that Aegis be the first name . I did not want it relegated to middle name status . We both agreed that " Aegis " before " Sadie " didn 't flow as well , so we put both names under the first name heading and separated the two names with a slash . So , on her birth certificate , her first name is Sadie / Aegis . Most people call her Sadie . A few in the inner circle call her Aegis . And one of my friends calls her Sah - dee - juss . It 's clear that we put a lot of thought into her name . We needn 't have bothered . From about age 2 to 5 , Aegis either introduced herself as Dorothy or corrected us when we told others her name was Sadie . When she was 8 or 9 , she made this startling admission : " I wish you had named me something exotic , like ' Ivy ' . " K mentions almost daily how sad she will be to see our elder daughter move to San Antonio . She won 't have any friends or family there to lean on . I haven 't given it a second thought , until K mentioned that our younger daughter , who is 21 , will be alone at home during those times when K and I go out of town . Then I started to feel sad . My poor H . Being a parent never appealed to me . In fact , I hoped more than anything that I was sterile . No such luck . After we were married , K and I practiced birth control for one year then decided to fire live rounds . She was 32 . She wanted 4 children . Time and her age were against us . We figured it might take a year for her to get pregnant . We were wrong . The first time without birth control was a charm . We learned that K was pregnant while we were visiting my mother in California . We were at an amusement park just outside of San Jose . K was a little worried . She was a day or two late for her period . Her boobs were swelling . Her form - fitting shirt , which fit perfectly days before , would barely close . The buttons were sweating under the strain of keeping too little fabric over too much body . Our visit ended and we left San Jose for Utah . By the time we reached Reno , K had the passenger seat fully reclined in an attempt to suppress the nausea . Every one hundred miles or so I would ask her if she felt any better . She finally said yes nine months later at 5 in the morning in the delivery room . We didn 't have the luxury of a sonogram or the psychic abilities of a wise old gypsy , so the gender of the baby was a complete surprise . Besides me and K and the baby , there was a team of doctors and nurses in the room on stand - by because of some evidence the baby might encounter some complications . We had all of those experts in the room , but I , of course , was the first to speak when the baby finally came into full view . " It 's a boy ! " I shouted . Once the experts determined that she was completely fine , they sped her off to the nursery for a battery of tests - normal stuff for a newborn . I followed . A nurse was filling out a card scoring her on reflex , coloring , etc . She wrote down a " 9 " next to one of the categories . We enrolled her in her first dance class when she was 4 . She hung on the ballet bars the whole time , her feet rarely touching the ground . Forty feet away the other girls and the instructor leapt and twirled in unison . My daughter never once joined them . After 8 years in piano lessons , I watched proudly as she played her recital piece in front of a large audience . My guess is she was 13 or 14 years old . At that same recital I later watched in horror as a 7 year old boy sat at the piano and played that same piece . He had been taking lessons for a year . My daughter continued piano lessons for 2 or 3 more years . She continued to play that piece each subsequent recital . The swim team was no different . Year after year I went to her meets . It was always the same . While the other swimmers took their mark on the block , my daughter took the opportunity to dance and shake her hips , turning two or three times on the block while waving her arms . Eventually , she would crouch down like the other swimmers . Instead of looking at the water , she would look at the other swimmers . She , and the rest of us , would then watch the other swimmers dive into the pool . Eventually , she would follow . Her proudest moment and greatest triumph was a first place ribbon in a free - style race . The little down - syndrome girl who was competing against my daughter came in second . I remember once picking her up from elementary school . I came at the tail end of a volleyball match among the 5th graders and got to see her play . She looked really nervous and jittery . She kept clapping her hands and saying , " C ' mon , we can do this ! We can do this ! " When the ball was served , she took every opportunity to run where the ball wasn 't . If the opposing team hit it to the right , she ran to the left and vice versa . I never gave up hope . After much pleading , I finally gave into my daughters and bought them a trampoline . Month after month , year after year , I indulged her : " Watch me , dad , watch me ! " She performed the same trick every time . She would get a tiny bit of elevation in a standing position , drop to a sitting position , then land in a standing position , and finish off the trick by pulling a wedgie . In the classroom , S was , let 's say , casual about learning . Her best subject was Friends , her favorite grade was " B " . I tried everything I could to make her smart . I read to her every day until she was 12 . I played educational games with her . I even hired a math tutor . I was involved in PTA , attended every parent - teacher conference and chaperoned on field trips . She just wasn 't interested . In fact , when she was about 16 she said , " Do you know why I hate to read ? Because you read to us ALLL the time . " Still , I never gave up . When S was a senior in high school , she called me at work with some exciting news . " Dad , I made the honor roll ! Can you believe it ? " No , I couldn 't . Finally . Somehow I had gotten through , so I thought . She then explained : " You know , I decided that I didn 't care anymore . I was sick of trying . I figured , school , who needs it . And now I 'm on the honor roll . I can 't believe it ! " My daughter , the genius . When she was 3 , I fondly remember the time she came at me with an ax that she had found in her grandfather 's garage . I was videotaping my kids for the first time and had the camera pointed at my younger daughter . Behind my back , S was planning a sneak attack . I turned just in time to move out of the way . I caught the whole thing on tape - maniacal laughter and all . Another time , when S was 7 , I was driving the family to who knows where when S reached from behind and covered my eyes . I was doing 50 mph . She was laughing pretty hard , which got me laughing . I was having so much fun it didn 't occur to me to ask S to remove her hands . K didn 't feel the same . Instead of laughing , K felt more like freaking out and lecturing . Right around that same time , S left me a voicemail at work . She said , " Hi , Dad , how are you … ( long pause ) … Nothing much … ( short pause ) … school was good , are you having fun at work …… Mom ? … . . yeah , she 's here … . . do you want to talk to her ? " The next voice I hear is my wife : " Hello ? " Then , in the background , I hear peals of laughter coming from S . I remember her doing or saying something funny almost daily . She is clever and quick , her stories humorous and graceful . Her quips were priceless ; I didn 't think I could ever forget them . Boy , was I wrong . All I 'm left with are general impressions . One thing I do remember was her incredible ability to impersonate voices . From a very early age she could imitate voices with uncanny accuracy . I thought she was brilliant , and I wanted our friends and extended family members to think so too . Every chance I got I put her on display . Eventually she refused to perform saying , " I 'm not your circus monkey . " When she was really little , her favorite toy was string . From about age 2 to 5 , she tied knots around the handle above the window in the back seat of the car . She often made these elaborate webs in her bedroom that stretched from the doorknob to the dresser to the bed frame to the closet to the doorknob to the rocking chair to the bed frame ad infinitum . She outgrew string and embraced bags as her new favorite toy . Not collector bags . Any bags , as long as they came from a grocery or department store . Bags of bags . They were all precious to her , even the ones from Albertsons . Among her grandparents , she is best known for using big words from an early age . I wasn 't all that impressed with her vocabulary because whatever big words she was saying , she wasn 't saying them in French , which I had hoped would be her native language . Nevertheless , I do remember one occasion where S wanted to come into our room and sleep with us . She was 2 years old . Our door was closed , which meant we needed some privacy . We told her that it wasn 't a good time , but she persisted . Her begging turned to bargaining , and she said , " Can I come in after your performance ? " Oh , that cute remark made the rounds at work . As I pulled the tray from the box , I noticed that a small , white card fell to the floor . The weird thing was I recognized it . In bold , black letters across the top were the initials " ZCMI " . It 's not every day you see a ZCMI card in California . If you wanted one , you had to go to Utah , where ZCMI department stores were located . What a disappointment . I thought they were giving us a silver tray because they thought we were elegant enough to need one . And they were well - off , so I heard , and that silver tray made me feel like they had accepted us into their circle . When I realized they were not so much giving us the tray as passing it along , I felt common again . Still , I wrote my uncle and pageant - beauty aunt a nice thank you note . I told them we loved the tray and were honored that they remembered us on our wedding day . I signed our names to the card then added : " P . S . You forgot something . " And I put that ZCMI card in the envelope , licked it shut and mailed it . My uncle 's visit that day set us back about a half - an - hour . K needed to get ready . My mother had food to make . The rain stopped and the clouds cleared , which meant I had to mow the front yard . We were desperate for help when my brother 's wife showed up . She immediately went to work on removing the big red fingernail polish square on the door . Things were looking up . A little while later , K came outside to see me . " Your brother 's wife decided to bathe the little ones in the guest bathroom . They 've turned that bathroom into an Olympic - sized swimming pool . There 's water everywhere . She 's used all of the guest towels - I 've never seen a bigger mess . " She went back into the house to finish getting ready . Moments later my sister returned home . I watched from the yard as she ran into the house . I could tell she was rushing . She had a lot to do before the reception - shower , dress her kids and pick up the cake that was still at her friend 's house . From where I stood , I didn 't see or hear the explosion . I saw only my brother and his wife and their children fly out the front door . " We 're leaving . Maybe you can stop by later to get your gift , " he said . Now what ? I wondered . I went inside for some answers . My sister was screaming hysterical . " I left this house spotless ! " she kept repeating . K was hugging my crying mother . It was pretty obvious to me why my sister was upset . All you had to do was look at the condition of the house - the clutter and detritus had quadrupled in the short hour it took me to mow the lawn . But what was making my mother cry ? Something really bad , I thought . And something that goes on in K 's family too … what had I married into ? I went back outside to finish the yard . K soon followed . She looked liked she had just survived a plane crash , mystified that she was able to walk away from the wreckage . " To comfort her . My family would never do this . I had no idea families had these kind of fights . " I suppose K did the right thing telling my mom that little fib , even though it spooked me a bit at first . I didn 't want to be married to a family that misbehaved . K continued : " I hate to say it , but I 'm relieved your brother won 't be here . On the other hand , I 'm worried that this reception is going to be a complete disaster . " We went inside the house so K could finish getting ready , and I could clean . My sister left to finish the cake , my mom continued preparing food , and I vacuumed , showered and dressed . We worked fast . Guests would be showing up anytime . Soon order was restored and the house was again spotless and calm . My mother laid out an incredible spread of food on a buffet table . My sister made it home in time to set up the cake . Just a little adjustment and it was centered perfectly on the table . K was fastening her earring , the final touch to her outfit , when the doorbell rang . It was our first guest . I didn 't give my daughter too many details about our reception in California - I got the impression that she was interested in something a little more top hat and a little less big top . I simply told her that with a minimum of planning , she could pull off a reception as memorable as the one we had . " So relax and don 't worry so much . " I assured her , like I assured my wife twenty - six years ago , that no matter what , everything would work out fine . She seemed convinced and thanked me for my wise words . The next day , K told me that she overheard my daughter having one of those heart to hearts with M on the phone . It was late at night . My daughter 's bedroom door was closed , but K could hear her crying as she painted a pretty gloomy picture of their wedding day . I was a little deflated to think that my daughter was not so crazy about my advice . I had a perfectly wonderful wedding , and I don 't remember doing any planning . Hundreds of people joined us to celebrate our blessed union . We greeted them , fed them and opened their gifts - what was there to plan ? I was in school and working , and I didn 't think much about the big day , though K did her best to involve me as much as possible . I think she asked my opinion on the wedding announcement - the paper , the lettering , that type of thing . I chose one . She chose another , which you can see today in our wedding album . " How many for your side ? " K asked me . Two days before the wedding I bought a black suit and put a rush order on the tailoring . I had some brown dress shoes , which didn 't go with my new suit at all . So I took the shoes down to a shoe repair place and had them dyed black . Rush order on that too . I was given five months to get ready for my wedding , and I was confident that I had used those five months wisely . Everything was in place . Still , I had this nagging feeling that I was forgetting something … . " Your wedding doesn 't have to be complicated , " I said to my daughter . Then I proceeded to tell her all the possibilities , one of which included a big pancake breakfast . She didn 't like any of my suggestions . " Why not ? Mom and I will take care of everything . We were living in Utah and had an incredible reception in California , and grandma did the whole thing . We just showed up . " We had been married close to three months when it came time for the California reception . We 'd already had two : one in Utah and one in Idaho . But I was confident that the California reception would be the best . That was my side of the family . The California reception was for family and friends who could not attend the wedding . The drive to California should have taken us eleven or twelve hours . We had one stop to make in Las Vegas to pick up my sister . We started the trip at four o ' clock in the afternoon , and the way we figured it , we would get to my mom 's house about two in the morning . Traffic out of our valley was uncharacteristically at a standstill . No one was moving . I figured we 'd have better luck on the surface streets and got off the freeway at the first opportunity . We were really moving then , until the railroad crossing gates came down . The train was travelling at five mph , if not slower . Car after car we counted . Twenty - six , twenty - seven , twenty - eight . We waited for the train to speed up , but it never did . Forty - two , forty - three , forty - four . We were boxed in with no way of turning around . Besides , I could see the freeway from where we were , and traffic still was not moving . Eighty - nine , ninety , ninety - one . It was the longest train we had ever seen , and we got a pretty close look . One hundred thirty - three , one hundred thirty - four . After an hour , we finally saw the caboose . We started our engines , very anxious to be on our way . Just as the caboose was about to pass , the train stopped . The wait continued . After many minutes , the train gave a mighty oomph and started rolling … in reverse . One hundred sixty - two , one hundred sixty - one , one hundred sixty , one hundred fifty - nine . It was the slowest déjà - vu we had ever experienced . Eventually we were on the road at highway speeds . By the time we reached Las Vegas , it was after midnight . We didn 't have cell phones in those days , so we hadn 't alerted my sister to the delay . Didn 't matter , when we got to her place , she wasn 't there . So we waited . At least an hour . This was the second time K would see my sister . About five months earlier , I was taking K to California to meet my family . It was President 's Day weekend . We , naturally , got a late start , and my sister kindly let us stay the night with her in Las Vegas before continuing on to California . We arrived at my sister 's place and sat down on her sofa to visit . She was smoking two cigarettes , one in each hand . She sounded nervous . " I 'll prove it to you , " I said . " We have our announcements in the car . " I got up from the couch and was out the door . " Hey , " my sister said to K , " Are you seriously going to marry him ? " She took a puff on each of her cigarettes . " You better be careful . Steve 's horrible with money . It burns a hole in his pocket . He can 't hold onto a dime . " Puff , puff , puff , puff , puff . The next morning we packed up the car . Many times we begged her to go with us to California . She refused . We were nearly home free , but I had to seal the deal . " Why don 't you come with us ? " Please say no , please say no , please say no , please say no , please say no . The ride down to California was one of the worst in memory . She had the back seat all to herself , but she chose to lean in towards the front , framing herself between the bucket seats . Her mouth was inches from my ear , and her face filled my rear - view mirror . For the next four hours she gave me a free driving lesson . I really lucked out . It turns out that I wasn 't doing one thing right . My sister pointed that out , not wasting one minute of the drive . And it 's a good thing the lesson was free - the way I am with money … I told K : " Pretend you don 't want her to go . Act annoyed that she coming . " When she finally showed up at her place , I could tell she had been drinking . She deliberately tried to miss us . She thought it was safe to come home , banking that we would have given up and gone on without her , but we had been delayed by the train . I should have been glad . My sister had misbehaved horribly that President 's Day weekend . She yelled at everyone . She criticized me incessantly . She introduced me to old family friends as if we were total strangers . When they reminded her that they knew me quite well , she 'd say , " Oh , I figured you 'd never met the way he was ignoring you . " After all that , I still wanted her to go . Turns out we didn 't need her . Our reception was at the family home , which at the time was being rented by my sister and her family . My sister planned to spend the morning of our reception at a friend 's house making us a wedding cake , so she did all of her housecleaning the day before . The place was spotless , and she wanted it to stay that way . As she was leaving to go bake the cake , she left specific instructions . " Do not open this door . " ( The door she referred to led to a well - stocked toy room . At the top of the door , out of reach from children , was a hook lock . " Shortly after , my brother and his 3 - year old son came by to say hello . He wasn 't quite used to the idea that my sister was renting my mother 's home . He plopped himself on the couch and , reposing , demanded Sunday brunch from my mother . My mother tried to explain there would be no brunch that day as we were preparing for a wedding reception . But he insisted , " we always have brunch on Sunday " he said , so my mother sent me to the store with a grocery list . When I returned home , my brother was still resting comfortably on the sofa . I heard a loud crack coming from the backyard . When I looked out the sliding door , I saw a large piece of wood flying from the roof , landing with a whack . My sister 's husband decided he 'd finally get around to reroofing the covered patio , where the reception would be . My sister had asked her husband to fix the roof months before , and he didn 't want to get on her bad side . Another loud crack . Another whack . K was panicked . Guests would be arriving in five hours . Crack . Whack . I told her not to panic . Everything would turn out . I know most people don 't pray for rain on the day of their outdoor wedding reception , but I did . The next CRACK we heard was thunder , and rain it did . The reroofing would have to wait . Fortunately , my brother - in - law had not done too much damage to the roof , and I couldn 't see anywhere where the roof was leaking onto the patio . Neither could my brother - in - law . In fact , it was so dry under that roof that my brother - in - law decided to paint the railings and support beams . Inside , my mother was frantically preparing sandwiches , which she hoped would pass off for brunch . My brother , at some point , got off the couch just long enough to lift the catch of the lock on the toy room door and give his son unfettered access . My nephew , the natural disaster in training pants . Somehow he did a cannonball in the middle of that room , and the toys landed everywhere . Almost instantaneously the entire house was messy . Toys , newspapers , dirty dishes , and stuff . Everywhere . It all happened so fast . We never even noticed that my nephew got into K 's bright red nail polish and painted a big , solid square on a bedroom door . We had table and chairs to set up , food to cook , and K wanted plenty of time to get ready . Now we had to add cleaning to the list . Before we could get started , the door bell rang . It was my uncle , my mother 's only brother . He was hours early . The last time I saw him was at his wedding a few years before . I think it was his third marriage . He was forty something . So was his new father - in - law . He was still married when he came to see us that day . To a different wife . This one came with credentials . She was a former Miss California and rumored to be wealthy . We visited for about twenty minutes and learned that my new aunt had relatives in Provo , Utah where K and I lived . So far , my daughter plans to live in Texas after she gets married . Her attitude : no big deal . Until she talked to her future sister - in - law , the one from Brazil who is currently living in Florida . " See this ? " She showed my daughter a great big butcher knife . " When my husband 's at work during the night , this is what I keep under my pillow . " I remember her first attempt to move out . She was barely eighteen , and it was the week after her high school graduation . I decided that I would quit raising my kids once they turned eighteen . They could come and go as they pleased , do whatever they wanted to ; I wasn 't going to make decisions for them or pressure them . They would have to work for their triumphs and work out their mistakes , on their own . That was my rule . I wasn 't the type of parent to interfere . Not much anyway . I proved that when my daughter was a mere seven years old . We were sitting on a little retaining wall by the driveway . My daughter was picking a scab on her knee . Then I said , " No . I 'm not going to tell you what to do . It 's your body . If you want to ruin it and make the cut worse and make it bleed and risk infection and leave a scar , go ahead . I wouldn 't do it , but if you want to , go ahead . It 's your choice . " Eleven years later , she would disrupt my peace and express her independence a second time , which brings me back to her threat to move out . Her best friend at the time was told she would have to get a place of her own upon graduation . The friend was fine with the idea , and so was my daughter . They decided they would move out together . I never took them seriously . My daughter had no car and no savings . She worked part time at the Subway and no interest in the future . She was as aimless as a falling leaf , and I liked watching her hover , because I knew that a gentle , kind breeze would catch her and carry her someplace where she could thrive . I didn 't want to interfere with what I considered the " natural flow , " so I let her float . But instead of a nice , promising breeze , my daughter was swept up by a big , blustery , foul wind . To put it less poetically , she was being pressured by her best friend 's mother . Weeks before graduation my daughter mentioned her plans to move out , and I continued to dismiss her . The more serious she became about leaving , the more logical I became about why the idea was bad . The more logical I became , the more adventurous and free spirited she became , and the more she quoted me . I 've been to Paris , and let me tell you , my daughter was not going to find Paris in the direction she was headed . Her best friend 's mother found a place in a questionable part of town that was not safe for two eighteen year old girls to live - I called the area rundown , dark and scary . The mother called it affordable . They would have no furniture . To get to Subway , my daughter would have to take the bus - the mother 's idea , since my daughter didn 't have a car . I envisioned my daughter waiting at midnight for a bus , because that 's when she usually ended her shift . Then I envisioned her getting off the bus and walking several blocks in the dark to her apartment . I immediately noticed in my vision the letch in the back of the bus , studying my daughter 's daily pattern . Well , you can imagine the rest . Next , I did the math . Rent , food , bus pass - that 's a lot to ask of a part time income at Subway , and my wife and I were not in a position to help at the time . Honestly , I could not understand why she kept insisting on ruining her life . Then , just hours before she had planned to move , it hit me . Her friend had a brand new car , a gift from grandpa . She had a decent paying job , at grandpa 's insurance firm . She had a financial safety net and the promise of tuition , if she decided to pursue education . What she didn 't have was a companion , and mothers don 't force their daughters from the home without a companion . She didn 't mind sacrificing my daughter 's welfare to see to the welfare of her daughter . I realized that my rule to not pressure my children into doing things against their will or against good judgment was not universal . Just because I didn 't want to push them didn 't mean others wouldn 't , and when I realized that this mother was going to have her way with my daughter , I decided to push back , and I used the only weapon I had at my disposal . Tears . I yelled , " Why are you doing this ? This is not a good idea . All you will learn from this is how to be poor . You will get good at going without , and struggling . And when your friend , who has money , wants to go out and eat or wants to go shopping , you won 't be able to , and you will lose her too . " That mother was powerless against my moistened cheeks , and my daughter 's resolve washed away in a flood of her own tears . She stayed home that night , bravely breaking the news to her friend . Not long after that episode , she left Subway for a better job . Two weeks into the new job , she was fired . I assured her she would find her way . She decided to begin her job search at an employment agency . While the counselor was collecting profile information , another woman walked into the room and approached my daughter . The woman interviewed my daughter and hired her on the spot . The company was Beehive Homes , a group of assisted living residences . My daughter loved the work , and she grew to love the " olds " as she called them . And they grew to love her . One in particular was so fond of her that she introduced my daughter to her grandson , M . " You really want to marry me ? Are you sure ? Do you really , really want to ? You want to be engaged to me ? " Each time he said , " Yes , of course ! " My daughter , according to her , fit right into the beach scenery , as a castaway . The Florida humidity had not been kind to her hair , which poofed to eight times her normal volume and curl . Four great streaks of black mascara bobbed and weaved down her cheeks , beginning at the eyes and reaching the corners of her mouth . Her pants were folded up to her knees . And yes , M still wanted to marry her . Over the last few years , my daughter has cried on several occasions in front of M , mostly when she leaves him to return to Utah , or when he leaves her to return to Texas . My wife saved most of her crying until after we got married , which I believe was daily for the first year . Before the wedding , I remember her crying only once . We 'd known each other for eight months before we starting dating in earnest , and that earnest dating lasted about a week before I was ready to dump her . I really liked her , but she was thirty , and I was twenty four . The age difference was starting to bother me . I figured it was best to cool things before something more serious happened , like marriage . I wanted to end things while things were still at the casual stage . As I recall , we went out to a dance at the college , and afterward K took me to a secluded area of town and jumped me . I was extremely inexperienced , especially for a twenty four year old . I 'd never had a real girlfriend , because I was at times too shy , too insecure or not interested , and most girls , I felt , did not seem to take an interest in me anyway , not like K did that night . So , there we were , parked . She didn 't say much . She just moved over close to me and starting kissing me . I was shocked . Up to then , I considered myself pretty repulsive . But since K was doing all the driving , I figured I 'd go along for the ride . And what a rough ride it was ! K was trying out this new French kissing technique , and I thought she was going to pull my tongue out by the roots . Still , I didn 't complain . After that night , we were for the most part inseparable . We did everything together , and we talked . We had to . I had to tell her to knock off that new tongue technique . During that week , we agreed that we were perfect for each other . We laughed , we made out , we cuddled , we made out , we watched a movie , we made out . I was the happiest I had ever been . When the weekend ended , I went back to school and K went back to work . During first period , I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I never wanted to see K again . She called my apartment a few times to talk , but by then I had no feelings whatsoever towards her , and I think her cousin , who happened to be my roommate and best friend , told her how I was feeling … or not feeling . K persisted until she reached me by phone ( which wasn 't hard to do in those days because there was no Caller ID and no cell phones . ) She asked me if I wanted to go on a picnic . Eventually she persuaded me to go on a picnic . K planned everything . She picked me up at 8pm on a very cold October night . I had no idea where we were going , and I didn 't ask . As a matter of fact , I don 't remember saying much at all on that half - hour drive . We ended up at Salem Pond , a place K learned about only a week or so before because someone had brought her there to make out . I remember the place was well lit . The grass was frozen , and the trees were anointed with frost . The trees , the lights and the little hillside where we sat reflected in the water , which only doubled the beauty of the place . K set a blanket on the frozen grass . She had sparkling cider ( neither one of us drank alcohol ) , grapes , some crackers and a couple of plastic champagne glasses . She was wearing her mink coat and pumps ( that 's what she always called them ) , and she was doing her best to lighten the mood . I wasn 't biting . I sat there as stoic as can be . She decided to talk about us . I let her know , there was no us . " DAMN KENT ! DAMN STAN ! DAMN DEVIN ! " With each name she screamed , she would wave her champagne glass full of sparkling cider to and fro . Sparkling cider was flying everywhere . I was a bit nervous for her mink coat . At age thirty , K was sick of the guys in her life , guys like me who didn 't feel like committing , and she wanted answers . So I gave her one . " You have the biggest brick wall built around you , and no one can get through . " Looking back I think that was probably the dumbest thing I ever said . Frankly , I have no idea what I even meant , but I felt better for saying it . We segued into a deep , meaningful discussion . I can 't remember any of it . All I remember is before long , K was sitting in my lap , and we stayed on that blanket for close to two hours . According to her , it has to be May . It 's perfect ! After all , that 's when we 're planning a trip to Mexico , and something has to ruin our plans . And don 't forget about April 15 , and don 't forget that we always owe taxes on April 15 . I 've never been good at estimating expenses . I remember years ago when I bought my first car . Not the green one that I bought for $ 300 when I was in college , the one I drove for three weeks , the one I abandoned in a downtown parking spot on the street because it wouldn 't start , the one I didn 't repair because it never occurred to me to repair it . I don 't count that one . I 'm talking about the Honda Civic . K and I had been married for a couple of years and decided we needed a bigger car . Yes , compared to the car we were driving , the Civic was a much roomier upgrade . Anyway , we hadn 't planned on a Civic at first . We had budgeted $ 200 a month for a car , and K thought the Honda dealership would be a good place to start looking , which was fine by me . We had plenty of time to make it to the Cadillac dealership , where I was certain that with a $ 200 monthly payment , we would have our pick of any brand new Cadillac on the lot . To me , $ 200 was a ridiculous amount of money to spend monthly on a car , and anyone who could afford that kind of money must be buying Cadillacs . Imagine my shock when I learned that the Honda dealership wanted $ 210 for a stripped down Civic - $ 230 if we wanted air ! Then I laughed . " K 's family would be happy with a bag of Cheetos and some Pepsi , " I told her . I love my wife 's family , especially around birthdays and Christmas . They make absolutely no financial demands on us . They are not cheap , just easy to please . I thought back to my own wedding reception , which was in my in - law 's living room in Driggs , Idaho . I vaguely arriving at the house only to see a small crowd gathered in a back room eating sandwiches , potato salad and maybe chips - these were the leftovers from our luncheon the day before in Utah . At least that 's how I remember it . When I asked K about it , she remembers a buffet of deli meats and salads spread across the washer and dryer , but she isn 't sure if it was fresh . At any rate , K and I , her sister and our parents ( minus my father ) later that evening lined up in the living room to receive guests . Guests came through what we referred to as the back door , made their way through the kitchen , wished us luck in the living room , then circled back for some strawberry shortcake . Along the way , they would stop to admire our wedding cake . Three magnificent tiers , the top layer strangely tall and ill - proportioned and Styrofoam . I have no memory of cutting the cake , though I 'm sure it went to good use , eventually . I have many vivid memories of that night in the small hamlet of Driggs , Idaho . Two doors down from my in - laws was another wedding reception , so everyone in the valley was out and bustling about , and they came to see us , some more curious about the line than what was at the end of it . I only know that the stream of people lasted three or four hours , and we were in part responsible for one of the biggest social nights in the town 's history . K remembers everyone who came ; I remember only a select few . The year before we married , I worked one winter in Driggs , that 's how I came to meet K . She was living in Utah at the time , and I was working in Driggs to earn enough money to return to school in Utah . K happened to be visiting her parents on Thanksgiving , and I happened to be living across the street with her cousin . When he heard she was in town , he wanted to visit her , and I tagged along . We met in her parent 's kitchen . K was wearing a black , backless dress that was very form - fitting and very elegant for the surroundings . I was wearing glasses , and they were completely fogged ( due to the extreme cold outside vs the warmth of the kitchen ) . K turned abruptly to see us . She had a huge turkey leg in her mouth . We didn 't fall for each other til later . Anyway , there was another girl in Driggs who was away at school but occasionally would come to town to visit her parents . I saw her once or twice in the grocery store where I worked . I don 't remember speaking to her , but I talked to her parents often . I 'm not sure if I ever knew this girl 's name , and I 'm positive that she did not come to our reception that night . Her mother , however , did . " Oh , hello , K . Congratulations . You look so beautiful . You know , we have always liked Steve . He visited us often , and we just really grew to appreciate him . Say , you remember my daughter Laurie ? Well , you know , Steve and Laurie , well , there were sparks , but she was engaged . " I introduced her to my mother . They made pleasantries . When they were through , Laurie 's mother turned to K again and said , " There were sparks , but she was engaged . " All that was left to do was sign the guest book , which Laurie 's mom graciously did . She put down the pen , turned to face K , then , with a booming voice , said , " Just remember ! There were sparks ! But she - " pausing to emphatically and repeatedly point at her ring finger " - was engaged ! " Then she left . Yes , there were others . I remember meeting two of K 's friends , one of which was quite beautiful . K introduced me to Marla , and Marla in turn introduced me to the lovely Juanita . There was only one other stupid thing said that night . By me . After the reception , the whole family gathered in the living room to watch us open gifts . K comes from a large family , eight children in all , and it was the first time in years that the whole family was together , and they were together for only one reason : to celebrate our big day . I had met about half the family before we got married ; the other half I was meeting for the first time , specifically one brother , the eldest , who came all the way from Seattle . We had so many gifts to open . I remember only one : a little ceramic bird that doubled as a night light . I thought it was the dumbest thing I had ever seen , and I said so . I think my exact words were , " I hope this breaks real soon so we can throw this away . " I think you can guess who was giving it to us … We picked up the ring from the airport . When I saw it on my daughter 's finger , I think I said , " Well , don 't lose it . " My wife and other daughter made happy , delighted noises , and they all talked at once about its magnificence . I was driving at the time and couldn 't see the ring very well , so I asked , " How much did it cost ? " which was my way of asking her to describe the ring to me in detail . I was shocked . That ring cost a lot of money . I never spent that much on a ring before , to which my wife said , " I know . " The conversation moved from the ring to the actual proposal . My daughter was completely surprised when M popped the question . They had planned for months to spend Thanksgiving with M 's brother in Florida , and my daughter didn 't even once consider that he might give her a ring there . " Too obvious , " she told us . My daughter had been in Florida for only a few hours when M invited her to take a walk on the beach . " I want to give you something , " he said . She knew he had an iPod for her but couldn 't understand why he would give it to her on the beach and risk her dropping it , however , she didn 't argue . They walked in the sand and talked . " I have to pee , " my daughter said . They walked some more . " Oops , I farted , " she said . When M had recaptured the mood , he dropped to one knee and said , " Will you marry me ? " My daughter was dumbstruck . My wife 's smile couldn 't have been any bigger . " How does it feel ? " she said , " because I 've never experienced it . " And it 's true . No engagement ring . And no formal proposal . My wife and I had been dating for what seemed like a long time , maybe three or four months , and somewhere on the drive to her parents ' house for Thanksgiving , between Bountiful , Utah and Malad , Idaho , during a somewhat dry conversation , we agreed that if we didn 't break up , our relationship would likely result in marriage . And we did get married , more than 26 years ago . |
She walked into the store , and if I could have waved my arms in the air I would have . I watched as she wandered around , touching some things , just glancing at others . She strolled in my direction , and I held my breath as her eyes lit upon me . She smiled softly , and then ran her fingers down my sleeve . Within minutes she had purchased me , and I was on my way home . I wondered who he was , her husband , her boyfriend , just a friend … all I knew for certain was that I now belonged to him . When we arrived home , she tucked me under something else , hiding me from his eyes until she was ready . She handed me to him , and he smiled , then tried me right on . I was a perfect fit . I knew I was where I belonged . As time passed , I watched as their girls grew up , the boy they took in and made their son wasn 't around as much but I saw the changes in him as well . My lady , and my gentleman had many changes in their lives , and I was so grateful to still be around . My edges frayed , but instead of tearing me into rags , or throwing me out , I spent most of my time in the closet . At least when the youngest daughter wasn 't stealing me to wear … I admit I liked getting out into the light again . She stopped stealing me from her Dad , and after my seam tore he stopped wearing me as well . No more working in the yard , or the garage . But still they kept me . I watched as he grew older , then got sick . I watched as she worried , and cried . I watched as things got to the point where he wasn 't coming into the room at all anymore , though I could hear his voice if I listened . They no longer slept in the room I could see , though she would come in and get him clothes regularly . If I could have offered my warmth to him I would have , though I was no longer as warm as I once was . It happened one morning . I heard the sounds of others in the house , and knew he was off to the healing place again . She didn 't come home , not all day , not all night . Others came into the house . They didn 't speak much though , and then they left again . She came home the next morning , with the son , the youngest daughter , and the ex - husband . She was crying . I heard her explaining on the phone . He wouldn 't be coming home again . It was time . She 'd been looking at us all off and on , and it hurt her to see us . I no longer caused her sweet smile , now I was a reason for tears . She and the youngest began pulling us all out of the closet . I was added to a pile to throw into the bin . The youngest run her fingers down my arm , then pulled me , and another one out of the pile putting us to the side . I watched as the eldest , and her youngest , joined my lady as well going through the clothes in the closet , picking what they wanted to keep . The youngest pulled the blue away from me , and handed it to her sister . I saw tears , and a look wanting confirmation that she was getting to keep blue . The youngest held me up , and said " I 've got the red " , and suddenly I knew . I wasn 't being thrown out , I wasn 't being torn into rags , the youngest was keeping a memory . I was going to a new home . My left arm has a tear down the lower seam , my wrists are frayed , there 's paint on me in several places , and I 'm not nearly as warm as I once was . My lady , and my gentleman have no need of me any longer , but the youngest finds comfort in my arms . So I am home , again . I know it 's been a long time since I 've written to you . I 'm in my 40 's now . You 'd think I 'd be able to just get whatever I want for Christmas , go out buy it myself , sweet talk … whoever into buying it for me . Whatever . You … you wouldn 't think that I 'd feel the need to write to someone that at my age I shouldn 't even believe in anymore . But Santa I 'm really hoping , I 'm praying , that they 're wrong , that you do exist , that somehow miracles can happen . You see Dad 's not doing well , and I 'd kinda like to do something about that , you know ? I can 't stand that he isn 't doing well . And I kinda need your help . He can 't breathe well , and he 's on oxygen , and uh , and I 'm terrified , I don 't really wanna lose my Dad , you know . So if you can maybe think up something , some way , some manner of making it all better . I 'd really appreciate it . And you know , if Dad gets better then Mom 's stress will go down and maybe she 'll be healthier too . And ya I 'm just kinda terrified right now , I 'm afraid of losing my parents . One to lungs that don 't wanna work , one to stress so high that she 's pretty much bursting into tears regularly . Santa I 'm scared , and inside of me is that 5 year old girl . The one who knew all she needed to do was write to Santa , who rarely ever asked you for anything . The one who said " hey my sister would really like … " , the one who always sent you Merry Christmas Santa , and have a safe flight . And I don 't know who else to ask . Because everybody prays to God , and everybody 's asking him for so much . And I don 't think , I don 't even know if he hears me . But you always used to . I feel as if these words describe not only my heart but my soul as well . Can a soul be shattered ? I feel as if there is nothing left to wake up for in the morning , nothing left to care about , nothing left to live for . It has all passed me by and I was looking the other way . My mind is wandering , aimless , unsure . Lost in a morass of fear , doubt , pain . My focus is gone , my thoughts scattered to the four winds , hidden from myself . Before I had hearts , hands , souls to help me find my way back . Now , now I am alone . I know who I am , who I am supposed to be , what my purpose is . I have found though that I do not care . It began several months ago . I am only now free of that place , that man , the drugs , and the fear . Well perhaps not the fear . If I were free of the fear I would not be constantly glancing over my shoulder , would I ? I would not have a need to have every light in the house turned on , only turning them off in the light of day . When my sisters see my electric bill they will not be pleased with me . Oh dear god , my sisters . I 'm going to have to tell my sisters . Of course , it would have been nice if even one had noticed that I was not attending our usual Sunday dinners . Noticed and then come to see if they could locate me . I know I have missed a dinner or two in the past but I have never missed without letting someone know . Normally I would have contacted someone . My other sisters have missed previously , without a call , or a text . I 've always made a point of swinging by to see if everything was alright … . No , this is his fault . His alone . Not theirs . They would not have known where to look for me , and had one come along perhaps he would have kept her as well . Or killed her . No I can 't think about that . I must remember that everyone else is alright . I could not bring myself to speak with any of them tonight , I needed to come home , shower . Did you know that showering in an empty house can be terrifying ? The silence is oppressive . However do not turn on the radio or television before you shower . The silence is preferable to the sounds that cover up footsteps , breathing , doors opening … . Stop ! I went by our family home before I came here . I silently peered through the living room window , and in doing so determined it was Sunday . The wine was open , popcorn made , they were watching a movie . It 's one we 've all watched several times in the past . I was surprised to see my brothers as well . They seldom join us and I will admit that I wanted to go inside , crawl into the lap of one of our boys , and stay there . Of course I could not let them see me like that . Stolen clothes , covered in blood ( not all of it mine , he felt pain before he died ) , my hair full of dirt , my skin covered in cuts , bruises , needle tracks … . Thank God I have seven days until Sunday . My family is a little … unusual . We are none of us family by blood , simply by choice . We found each other gradually over the years . We know that we will most likely find more as time passes , it is the nature of our bond . We have had siblings leave , their paths veering away from ours . We have also suggested , rather firmly I might add , that a sibling or two is no longer welcome in the family home . I cannot help but wonder if my recent actions will cause my departure to be desired . We each have a virtue that we identify with strongly . My gift has been eloquence , the capability to speak and be heard , to bring the truth to light without causing offense . I have been told that although I was not born with a silver spoon , I was blessed with a silver tongue . My family knows that a portion of my gift is the ability to broadcast my desired outcome , the positive emotions that I wish to be felt by the others involved . I have recently found out that I am also capable of permitting my fear , my anger , and my hate to be felt by others as well . How I wish I had never been taught that lesson . I don 't actually know how it began , one moment I was home , the next I was not . The day had begun like most any other . My phone ringing . It was , of course , one of my sisters . Raven needed my help . Her primary talent is Justice but she sometimes let it over take her . She 'd gotten herself into a little bit of a pickle and needed me to talk to the group and smooth things over . Not a huge issue . So I told her I would have a quick shower , then head on to meet up with her . I never made it . I was in the shower , I heard a thump and I called out . I thought one of my sisters was over . I saw a shadow on the curtain . And then nothingness . When I awoke all I could feel was heat , surrounding me , entrapping me . No escape . I couldn 't move , my eyes opened in panic to see nothing , darkness . I couldn 't help myself and I began to twist , whimper , cry . Suddenly I was able to move , the heat dissipating , and I felt a light touch on my arm . " Shhhhh … relax my sweet . Everything is fine , you 're safe . " A soft , masculine voice , unfortunately not a familiar voice . " Where am I ? Why can 't I see ? " I wanted to shout with every fiber of my being , but that never gets anyone anywhere . I felt myself broadcast a little of my fear , just a small amount . I didn 't know if it would work , I 'd never tried fear before . Concern but never fear . But then again , what had I ever truly been afraid of ? " No my sweet , none of that . " I felt a sharp prick in my arm and that was the end of that . Every time I woke he was there . If I tried to broadcast my emotions , another needle . If I screamed , another needle . If I cried , or carried on in any fashion , again the needle . As time passed I began to wake more quietly . I felt around my space using what senses I had available . As touch and sight were out of the equation I had to listen , keep myself calm and pay attention when he entered the room . Jes saw a light on and decided to stop . She said she thought I was out of town . Wanted to know where I went for six months without telling anyone . Six months . She also gave me shit for disappearing on our sister . She had to go help Raven , though she said there was a bad taste left behind that nothing could fix . I told her to stop ranting at me that I 'd explain on Sunday what happened so I only have to do so once . The light was behind me so she couldn 't see the bruises . Anyway , after a time ( I 'm not sure how long ) I realized that when it was really quiet , I could hear other voices . The only one that seemed able to tell when I was broadcasting was the man in charge of me , so to speak . I began to send out gentle waves of concern . I could sense a woman in the room to my left , and a man in the one to my right . I knew without trying though that he wasn 't going to be around much longer . I could feel he was letting go . I tried to send him courage , strength , hope . All I received in return was despair . The next time I woke , I sensed nothing . He was gone . The next day I made contact , of a sort , with the woman . I could tell when she was medicated , when she was simply sleeping , and when she was awake . Sleeping meant nightmares . Fear . Awake meant terror . I could only help for short periods of time . Her fear , her terror , increased my own . So I had to keep my contact with her to a minimum . I believed that instead of becoming despondent like that man had , that she was losing her mind . There were times I heard her screaming , but the laughing was the worst . Neither lasted long though , and then I could sense she 'd been drugged again . My captor was away more . I had more time between his visits . More time awake . I 'd begun to notice that my body was in pain . The only times I knew anyone was in the room was when he would come in and the world would disappear with the prick in my arm . I started to wonder what was happening when I was unaware . I 'm not certain how long it took but I must have built up a resistance to the drug . He didn 't know as I tried to be silent when I woke . I could hear him in the room sometimes , writing on occasion , sounds I didn 't recognize other times . I would stay silent , contained , hidden . I would wait , sometimes half an hour , sometimes longer before I 'd try to send out calm , hope , to the lady in the next room . If I didn 't wait long enough he would come back and I 'd get another needle . I finally woke very early one day . I could feel his hands on my body . He was touching me , everywhere . Pinching , squeezing , slapping . No wonder I hurt every day . After that nearly every time I woke he was touching me in some manner . I did my best to remain calm , quiet , let him think I was still out . I didn 't always succeed . Then one day I felt the needle when he came in , but I didn 't go completely under . I could hear him talking to another man . I couldn 't track the words though , the drug made that nearly impossible . I couldn 't move either but I was aware . And then I wished I wasn 't . They took turns using my body . Not just the two , but several men . Different touches , different voices , different men all using my body for their enjoyment . Now I knew why I was bound , blindfolded , why I was being held against my will . My terror overwhelmed me , and that was all I knew for a while . Next time I woke I awoke screaming . He spoke to me and I did not stop , I think it was a few days before I woke again . He changed my drug , I was solidly out again . This time when I woke I planned . I needed to get out . I 'd been waiting , hoping that one of my sisters would arrive , tell me that I was in the hospital , tell me what had happened . They would never have left me in a place like this though . So now I knew , I had to get out on my own . But how ? My hands and feet were firmly strapped to the bed . I wondered about the lady in the other room . Was she trapped as I was ? Were they doing to her what they were doing to me ? Then a couple of days ago , while it was still quiet all around me , I woke suddenly . In the silence I could hear her tears . Her fears filled the room with screaming , though there was no sound to be heard . Her pain , her sense of loss , her anguish surrounded me , drowning me in her . I began to speak . Softly , gently , low . If there was anyone walking past none but she could hear . And she heard . If only she had not heard . My words fueled her , commanded her . My words drove her . Her actions were my thoughts . My pain , my sorrow , my hatred . Her body was free , mine was not . My mind , my voice were all I had . She became my avatar . My puppet . My saviour . Their death . She had been unresponsive for days . They no longer bothered to bind her to the bed . When her controller entered the room , she used my anger , my hatred , my out and out uncontrollable rage as her fuel . I whispered thoughts of death , mayhem , blood and she made them real . When he was dead I still did not release her from me . She killed the man in the hall , tore him limb from limb . After she released me from my bindings I stumbled to the door , leaning against it I looked out and watched his life merge with the water he had been washing the floor with . I did not mourn him though . If he was not one of the men that raped us , then he left us to them . God damn it , who 's here now ? I need to finish this . I need to get it out . But the doorbell is ringing . I 'll be back . I need to be more careful . Devine stopped in , noticed all the lights on , and started to walk around turning them off . I had to lie , I told her I was looking for a mouse . That I thought I 'd seen one and didn 't want to turn off the lights until I found it . She turned to look at me , she looked concerned and I thought I hadn 't done a good enough job with the cover - up but then she shivered and said she hoped I was wrong but maybe I could borrow a cat . I 'm going to have to stop leaving the lights on all the time . It 's attracting too much attention . Tomorrow I 'm going to get a lock for my bedroom door . Maybe I 'll be able to sleep . With my room at the back of the house my sisters shouldn 't notice these lights on all night . I still don 't know her name . I guess I never will now . They killed her , they killed her as if they had plunged the knife into her body themselves . But he wasn 't there yet . They 'd called him so he was on his way . But he wasn 't there yet and none of the others seemed to feel my broadcast as an outside thing . We 'd gotten part way down the hall . We were opening doors , trying to release anyone else we found . We only found two others that could walk . There were others but they weren 't going anywhere . One man had his legs broken , and they didn 't set them properly . He told me he 'd tried to escape and that was his punishment . He asked me to kill him . I told him I couldn 't . I should have then , I did later but not by choice . She 'd picked up the mop , and broken off the handle . As I was untying another lady she turned and put it through some guy 's throat . He came running into the room , yelling at us . She didn 't like the yelling . I tried to rein in my emotions a little , the other lady was becoming violent as well and I realized I was still affecting them . I should have let it be though . We found a man near the end of the hall , he could walk but there was something about him that made me nervous . We let him free anyway and he joined us . We went around a corner and into a large open space , there was a kitchen area on the other side of the room and I could see knives from where I was standing . I thought it was odd that there was no one around but I took it as a blessing and we went across the room . We each collected a couple of knives . The new lady didn 't want to but I told her to grab a couple anyway . I said she didn 't have to use them but it would keep her from looking like easy prey . As we slipped into the next hallway , I noticed all the doors were open , no one to rescue , nowhere for anyone to be hiding . I started to calm down . I could see the doors leading to the outside world just a few meters away . As I calmed down so too did my companions , but I didn 't see it . I was walking in front with the first woman . I really wish I 'd asked her name . As my emotions settled , my broadcast ebbed . I thought we were all there for the same thing . I thought we were all being used in the same manner . I have to admit I was confused when behind me I heard a gurgle . As we turned around we saw that the man we had rescued had cut the other woman 's throat . He was smiling . He was covered in her blood , and he was smiling as he moved towards us . I froze . And because I froze so did the lady I started all of this with . Because she froze , he plunged a knife into her stomach . He did it almost as an afterthought . He was walking towards us , his eyes holding my own , he was nearly past her , she had stopped sooner than I did . Then his hand moved almost lazily to the side and I heard the sound of the knife plunging into her . His smile grew as he pulled it back out , his hand covered in gore as he sliced to the side . He made it two more steps towards me , a couple more and he would be close enough to kill me too , and still I stood . My fear had paralyzed me , he was nearly to me when he stopped with a look of confusion on his face . He should have made certain she was dead , or at least down for the count . Her pain woke her from my fear . Her kitchen knives were in his back . One in the middle , one looked to be in his kidney . As he fell her eyes locked on mine . I caught her before she hit the ground , I held her as she bled out , I cried as the light left her eyes , and I could no longer feel her presence . I 'm not certain how long I sat on the floor with her in my arms . Her blood pooled around me on the floor , his blood mingled with hers but I could not make myself move further away . I hear the doorbell but I need to finish this now . Whoever it is can come back later . It 's taken me two days to get this far , and I have yet to sleep . Maybe when I finish I will . I heard voices coming towards me . One man was talking on a cell phone , telling someone that we were free , that the others were dead , I was the only one remaining . I waited until he was off the phone , until he and the other men were closer , and then I sent them my rage . Their targets ? Each other . I sent my rage , my hatred , and my fear to all of them . The one with the phone suddenly turned to the man beside him and the phone went through his mouth . That was the only one to die quickly . As he turned to another , he turned his back to one and he suddenly lost a part of his spine . He collapsed and I watched him die . It took a while . The one holding the spine suddenly had a chair smash over his head . I lost track of what was happening for a little while as the remaining 5 men made each other bleed . When it was down to one , I put her gently on the floor , took up my knives and walked towards him . I sent him wave upon wave of trust , love , desire . By the time I was close to him he was rather randy . I let him watch as I cut it off . Then one of my knives went through his eye into his brain , he was dead before his scream fully materialized . I went and sat back with the lady , pulled her back onto my lap , and told her that they had paid for what they did to us and that I was going to take a short rest before I went home . I believe I passed out for a while . The next thing I remember is looking up and seeing the man that was my controller . I 'd never seen him before but I recognized his voice when he spoke . He tried to take her away from me . I screamed , loud . He reached into his briefcase and pulled out a needle . I know it was to calm me down but after everything I had just been through I was not going back into that room . No one would touch me again . This man would not get near enough ever again . As he came closer I gathered my strength , and flung her at him . It knocked him over , the needle went flying . By the time he got out from under her , the needle was in my hand , and then in his arm . He was out in moments . Had I left then I could have told my family what happened . They would have helped me deal with the repercussions , with the stress , and the fear . I would have spent the last two days with my sisters helping me to pack while my brothers went looking for a new place for me , something with enough security to please them . But I didn 't . I should have but I stayed . I took him to one of the empty rooms that we had passed , I didn 't think there would be enough time to put him through even half of what we went through but I wanted him to feel fear . So I put the cuffs on him , and a blindfold . The door closed , locked , just in case . In another drawer I found a gag , I didn 't want him to be able to distract me , to make me change my mind . I didn 't want to hear him beg . And then I waited for him to wake . It must have been a low dosage as he woke no more than an hour later , I think . I 'm afraid my sense of time has escaped me somewhat . He jerked awake , his screams muffled by the gag , his muscles straining against the cuffs . I spoke quietly to him . He had to stop screaming if he was to hear my words . He did for a moment , and then he realized what I was saying . The screams began again . As he thrashed , and pulled I slid a knife under his pants leg . He felt the cool metal and stopped moving . I think he was afraid that I might cut him . Up one leg at a time , at the top I allowed the blade to touch his manhood , gently but enough to make him scream in fear . As I cut his shirt off I turned the blade over and left a thin slice along his pectoral muscles , very lightly , it was barely there . But it made him shriek and I was beginning to enjoy his muffled sounds . That should have told me it was time to leave but I didn 't want to . After I disrobed him I began to broadcast my fear to him . He was already afraid and I made him terrified . I whispered softly to him , telling him what I wanted him to do , what I wanted him to feel . I told him what she had felt , what she had done , and I whispered that he would do so much more . I took control of his feelings , subtlety playing no role . I told him a story about what had been done to she and I from our perspectives . I told him a tale about how he was going to make it up to us . I could feel his resistance , his desire to break free from my control , and I laughed . And then I amplified it all twice again as much . I shattered him , and then … . then I released him from the bonds . I instructed him to harm himself . And he did as he was bid . He cut himself , so deeply that I could see bone , and sinew . He sliced his own legs so deeply that the muscles we no longer attached , he could not have stood , walked , run … nothing , and I was pleased . But still it wasn 't enough , and I was lost to my own madness . I took the knife back , and tied him back to the bed . I 'd been preventing him from feeling the pain so far . The pain would have given him strength to break my control and I could not allow that . As soon as he was bound tightly , I released my control including the pain suppression . He roared and then passed out . Somehow some sanity broke through . I could not leave him as he was , but I no longer desired to torture him . I picked up the knife and I slit his throat . Within moments I was bathed in his blood , and yet I stood there . I watched until there was no chance of life remaining . And still I felt unsafe . I lost what control I had regained and the next thing I recall his head was no longer attached to his body . His legs weren 't even in the same room . I left his hands bound as I pulled on a lab coat I found in a closet at the back of the room . I didn 't even try to wash up . Suddenly the fear was overwhelming me again . Any moment someone was going to walk through the door and I was never going to leave this place . I tried to school myself , control it . I couldn 't leave things as they were . Eventually someone would show up even if it wasn 't right now . If they didn 't call the cops , and I was fairly certain they wouldn 't , this would continue . They 'd do this to someone else . Some part of me knew that there were others still tied to their beds but they were dead already , even if they were still breathing . I couldn 't rescue them , and by the time I could get help I was positive that the people running this place would have killed them rather than move them . This was my rationalization . And so I went back to the kitchen , I went through the cupboards and I found alcohol . I poured some out down the hallway I had been in . I poured the rest down the hallway I would leave by , and over that man 's body . Then I went back and lit all the candles I could find . I put them by the trails of booze , by the oven . I sure hoped this was going to work , it did in the movies . I kept one candle with me and I went back to the kitchen to turn on the gas stove . I wasn 't sure candles would set it off but I was fairly sure that a fire would . As I got to the doorway leading to freedom I lit my candle , left the flame up on the lighter I 'd found , and tossed them both down the hall towards the booze . I peered out the door carefully . It was dark enough outside that I felt I could slip into the shadows unobserved . When I was a little a couple of blocks away I heard an explosion , I could see flames in the distance . What do you know , it worked . I still don 't know how I made it to the family home . Or even why I went that way at all . My place would have been closer , there would have been no risk of a family member spotting me had I just gone home . And well , here I am . Somehow I made it home from there . I am dreading Sunday . For the first time ever I am afraid to go to my family . I could lie to them . I could make up a story , something easy , light . Something with no blood , no pain , no death . I could . But I love them . I made a promise long ago , no lies . Not within the family . They all know what I can do , although they don 't know what I am capable of . They will though . It won 't be long and I will be alone , adrift , shunned . There 's the doorbell again . It 's being held down , that means it 's Jes and she won 't leave until she gets her way . I 'll go talk to her and then I 'm going to try to sleep . I close the book , check my makeup to be certain she won 't be able to tell anything , and go answer the door . It 's not just Jes , it 's Raven as well . She 's hoping I can help her out and this time she 's taking me with her . It doesn 't matter that I 'm exhausted , I 'll go and do my thing for my sister . I only hope I can control my emotions . I can 't exactly be broadcasting fear every time someone comes near me , touches me , invades my space … . crap . Jes comes back down the hall from the washroom and I tease her about falling in . She laughs and tells me it 's time I changed the lock on that door , that it tries to keep her in every single time . I tell her not to worry about that door , that I 'm going to start looking for a new place tomorrow . That this place is too big for just me . My sisters , the loves that they are , offer to help and as we head out we discuss what I 'm looking for in a new place . Raven insists that this time I get a place with a pool . As we get into the car we 're laughing , it very nearly drowns out the screaming in my head . Standing in the shade , eyes closed , the sound of the River at my back . I hear the various voices of my family calling out , looking for me . I know that some of them have decided to wander the Twisted Path , see where it takes them , and of course I 'm welcome to go along should I wish to . Others have chosen to stay put , swim in the River , sleep in the Keep . There has been discontent wrapped around these people that I love , causing unhappiness and strife and my heart aches for us all . I am picturing the route of the lovely Twisted Path , I have wandered it extensively on my own when I require peace and quiet . I know that it touches the River often , dipping into the crimson waters , at times nearly being absorbed by it . There are also places where , even straining , there is no sound from the River . The Path and the River both occupy my heart , I 've lived in both my whole life even before I knew it . The River will always be there . As will my Path . The Path I have been following my whole life , when I first met the River I felt renewed , rejuvenated . Now I feel tired , dragged down , as if I 'm drowning . So perhaps it 's time to wander the Path again . The River will always be there , not always so close but I know my Path will cross it often . I love my family . All of it . Even those I no longer speak with . There will always be room for any of them on my Path , and I hope that the River will always flow . Envy ? Truly ? Me ? Envious ? Of whom might I ask ? You should all be envying me . I do as I wish and I get away with it . When your sister is Death Incarnate who is going to argue ? And although Scythe is lovely … I have my daggers . Where you ask ? Wouldn 't you like to know ? * grins * Alright , I will admit that I do admire a few things that members of my family possess . But envy ? Of course not . It 's not envious to admire things . Besides , it 's not really my role you know . I don 't envy others … much . But you will . Once I get my dainty little hands on you that is . Oh ! You mean you didn 't know ? You thought that as Envy it meant that I desired what others have ? Oh no my love ! But you will , you will very soon , you will with everything that you are . With every breath you take you will exhale " why isn 't that mine ? " and every inhale " that will be mine " . My sisters and I join up on occasion , we direct your possessive desires in whichever direction amuses us the most . Lust , on her own , will cause you cravings so sweet as to make your very blood burn with desire . Add me into the mix and you 'll want someone that already belongs to another with a fire so strong that you 'll not be able to resist . What ? I supposed you 'd prefer I amuse myself with another ? I suppose I could but where would be the fun in that ? The only question I have tonight is this . Should I call in a sister or play with you on my own ? My finger tips trail along the back of your neck , my breath hot and sweet against your cheek as I speak softly into your ear . You feel a tingling where my fingers trace their patterns , a soft desire begins to well up deep in your soul , yearning , reaching , for something you know not what . What would you wish for the most ? What is the least of your desires ? I can switch them around , play with your priorities , cause you to absolutely need what you 've never considered before . And you will hate everyone that has it because they are not you . I can leave your desires , your needs as they are as well . You 'll simply want them more . Much much more . So very much more . My fingers travel down your spine , your gut aches with need , you feel the desire so exquisitely that you cannot stand it . You 're trembling , you feel my hands grasp yours fiercely , I place them on my hips and move in closer . You can feel the heat from my body pressing gently against you . You 're oblivious now to all but the want . You have forgotten that I am here , that I am holding you softly to me , that I am still whispering in your ear . Can you hear me , love ? See me ? Do you even still know I exist ? No ? Good . I 've been watching you for days now . You desire the woman you work with even though she is married . I would not need Lust 's help to turn that into an all consuming need . You already have that desire . Or perhaps I should intensify that want for the life your neighbour lives . He 's so lucky . He gets to fly around all the time , go to exotic places , sleep with whomever he wishes , and his house , car , and other possessions cause your mouth to water even now . You don 't know where the money comes from , nor do you really care . You actually know nothing about him other than what you see when he gets home on the weekends . Oh ! I know ! I know how I want to direct you ! You shall want both ! My lips brush gently against your ear as I begin to tell you why she should wish to be with you . She probably already wants you as badly as you want her but she 's afraid to leave her husband . She 's afraid that she 's misreading you . She 's scared that you don 't truly desire her . You 'll have to prove it you know . You 'll have to show her just how badly you want her , how badly you need her to be yours . What about her husband ? Will he let her leave ? Will he try to make her stay ? You may have to help her you know . If you truly want her ( I press against you a little stronger , my fingers travel lower to remind you of how your body needs her touch , my lips softly kiss your neck leaving my brand behind ) and you do , then you may end up having to get a little rough with him . Just remember , it 's all for her . She needs you as badly as you do her . More even . So badly she is in constant agony awaiting your courage to save her from her own personal hell . You must save her . I slip around quietly to your back . My fingers trace your wallet in your back pocket . I reach around to your front pockets and turn them out . As for your neighbour , why should he have everything and you have so very little ? What has he ever done to deserve it ? You 've never noticed anyone else so much as stopping by the house . Sometimes he 's gone for weeks at a time . I wonder if anyone would even notice if he stopped coming home after his trips . Perhaps you should talk to him , reason with him . He has no need for such a home and you , well you 're going to have the woman of your dreams soon . So you obviously require a grand home . You wish to impress your lady fair after all . She will need an amazing home to showcase her beauty after all . Not like this place , this dump you call home , for now . And your car . Really , it 's at least ten years old . He has the newest model sports car , and you 're certain you 've seen an SUV in the garage on occasion . Why should he have two new cars when your piece of shit is sitting in the driveway destroying the property values as we speak ? I pull slightly away from you , walk back to face you , my fingers still trailing patterns on your arms . No one would notice if he stopped coming back from his trips you know . You could always say that he sold you his house , the cars too . He moved , that 's it , he 's moved to be closer to work . He 's tired of traveling all of the time . I 'm certain you can work something out between the two of you . Just remember , it should be yours , you deserve it , he doesn 't need it . I complete my pattern and step back to watch it absorb into his skin . This one was a little more complicated but it will work . Perhaps I 'll ask Lust to swing by his coworkers place and add a little compulsion to her . Time for me to go home , I wonder if Gluttony has any snacks left . Probably not , I should pick something up on the way home . I wish I 'd borrowed Greed 's car , mine is lovely but her 's goes like a bat out of hell . Envy The suede was soft against her closed eyes , pressing gently against her cheeks , the silk ties wrapped tightly around her head holding it in place ; the blindfold heightening her awareness of her body , of the room . She could feel the air in the room moving across her warm skin , cooling her slightly , causing her nipples to tighten . She moved her arm slightly , all that she was able . The silk rope tied tightly , restricting her movements , increasing her desire to move . Her feet were bound in a similar fashion , leaving her centre open , leaving her completely vulnerable . She could feel the silk sheet cool to the touch , but warm beneath her , increasing her temperature . She could not hear him , she could not see him , but she could feel his presence . As if he were laying with her , touching her already . She felt her nipples tighten further in anticipation ; she could feel a dampness forming between her legs . She shivered slightly , but he was aware that she was far from cold . He stayed by the doorway , looking over his handiwork one last time . He stepped closer to the bed silently , stopping when he was even with her waist . He slowly began to glide the feather from the tips of her toes up her leg , pausing briefly to fan her , tease her , before moving along to her belly , up to her breasts . He knows what she expects , they 've played this game before . But he chooses to change the rules a little . He doesn 't wish to wait , tonight he is hungry . She feels him step away . This is unusual but she presumes he 's forgotten something , heard something , whatever . They 've been doing this in stages , tonight is the first with the blindfold . They 've only just begun playing with each other , but she 's known him a few months now . He was right , the blindfold makes everything more intense . She hears him come back , he slides his finger along her lower lip and she opens her mouth . She feels his finger lightly touch her tongue , she tastes something , sort of medicinal . When he removes his finger she tries to ask him what it was but her tongue is numb . She feels it slowly spreading , down her throat , her chest , her arms . She 's trying to move , trying to scream now , but she has no control of her body any longer , her vocal cords inert . She can 't move , can 't scream , but she can feel and she wishes she couldn 't . Light in my eyes . Bright , obscene , enraging . I preferred the shadows , the darkness , the total absence of light that I had been living in . But no , they had to drag me out . Kicking , screaming , begging to be let free . Now I am here . Stuck . Tied to a chair , the light shining on me , on my eyes , into my soul . She will be free , she will be whole again , she will cease her unwanted behaviour . They want to make me who I was . Once , long ago , I was her . They loved her . But she was only a part of me . Slowly we became one , when they weren 't looking . We became me . There were once several of us . The different faces for different situations , different people . Not separate personalities per se , more like separate masks . They miss the mask they knew . They don 't seem to realize that behind it was always me . She was the first mask . The first one I created . The first one I had to be to fit in , to keep them unaware . It worked for so long that I forgot myself . I was her . I was hidden even from myself . For years I was other . Other masks over the one that was her . They hid even her from the outside world , from the ones that would hurt her . And then he came . He stripped away all the other masks , washed away all the other paint . All that remained was her , and me . He did not know about me . He thought that she was all there was . He wanted someone that wasn 't her though . He wanted more of me . He didn 't know what he was asking for . He thought that he was adding to her , he was stripping more and more away . He wanted a woman to do his bidding . He gained a woman that knew how to anticipate his needs , his wants , his every desire . He wanted a woman that would not question his orders , his requests , his decisions . He did not see that he gained a woman that saw everything , I had no need to question , I knew I was going to make him pay . I tried to simply let him go . I grew tired of being hurt and so I gave it one last try to just let him walk away . It hurt so much to watch him walk away but I knew that all that remained between me and the rest of the world was the smallest part of my mask . I tried to rebuild her , I truly did . I needed her . She was all that kept me safe from the world . She was all that kept the world safe from me . I did all I could to build her back up . But he kept trying to come back into my life . Every time he tried to strip more away . He kept taking what was rebuilt . And with every bit he took , he took a little more . My only way to survive was to take what was left of her and merge her in with myself . I didn 't know what would happen . I blocked every access to me that I knew still remained . I ran . I hid . I tried to no longer exist as far as he would know . But still he found me . He used a path I forgot existed , one I could not close . He found me in the morning , and through the day he reminded me that I was his . He told me that I had no one else . He told me no one else would even notice if I was no longer around . He told me that I had no choice , that I was still , and would always be , his . Did you know that when the only good remaining in you is under attack that the rest of you will defend it ? I tried to bolster my light , I made my calls . Again I was without support . No one that would understand was there . The only one I could find I could not confide in , he would kill for me . I would die for him . And so I did the only thing I could . I took the remainder of my light , I let my darkness engulf it , surround it , absorb it . I saw her in my eyes , the new me , the fully integrated me . I watched as the light withdrew , hid . I watched as the crimson grew , became vibrant , filled my eyes , my heart . I would guard the light , save it for those that deserved it . Within a few days I did as I was requested , I went to see him . I allowed him to touch me . I permitted his kiss . I welcomed his taste . When he was no longer watchful , when he allowed his walls to rest , when his cock was buried deep inside of me , I made him pay . I gently stroked his cheek , a move he was accustomed to from me . As my thumbs slid down I adjusted my course and pressed them deep into his eyes . As I did , I locked my legs around his thighs , he could not back away , he could not pull out , his cock was deep inside of me and I felt it harden with the pain before the rest of his body reacted . When he could not see , as he opened his mouth to scream , I pulled my daggers from beneath the pillows . One was stabbed through his throat , blood sprayed over my hot , sweaty body . The other slid between our bodies and removed what connected us . I released my legs , he flew backwards , I felt his cock slip from my pussy , the blood pouring over my legs . I stepped over to him , I removed my dagger from his throat , more blood , I was coated in it . I stood and watched him as he died . The last words he heard was my nearly silent goodbye . I suppose I would have gotten away with it had I thought before I left . A naked , blood coated woman tends to attract attention after all . They decided that his harassment of me had caused me to snap . So now I am here . Sitting in the light as they discuss what they think should be done . I know what I have to do to gain my freedom . I will build her back up . She will return , in a fashion . She will be simply a mask again though . The portions of her that they search for , that they believe count , the light is no longer . No one will see it again . But the mask , the mask will return . |
JavaScript is currently disabled . Obsidian Portal has a lot of really cool features that use JavaScript . You should check them out . We think you 'll have a much more enjoyable experience . I wasn 't called Heng Zhi back then . My parents named me John Ch ' ang . When I was little , my grandfather told me stories from before he took his family from China . I wish I could remember specifics , but he was not exactly fluent in English , and I know only a few phrases of Chinese . My grandmother could speak much better English than he , and she would sometimes translate some of her favorite stories of his . I lived with them since I was twelve . My parents died in a car crash . My father thought he was invincible when he drank . He proved himself wrong . I don 't know if I actually miss my father since I saw so little of him when he was sober , but I still hate him for taking my mother from me . I have no doubt that he wasn 't as horrible a person as I had thought , and that my mother had her own faults , but from a twelve - year - old 's perspective , a mother who worked all day and came home to take care of her family is more important than a father who used up all the money on booze and beat his wife at least once a week . She protected me from most of his drunken rages , but she couldn 't stop him from half - dragging her into the car that night . I went through a couple of different schools after they died . There was a lot of frustration and anger trapped inside of me , and there wasn 't a whole lot of " giving a shit " about school . My grandparents wanted me to get something of an education , even if they had to keep moving until I could find a school that I could deal with . Eventually , my grandparents moved to southern New York . The school was a little more lax than the others , but I have no doubt it wasn 't the school that calmed me down . Two things happened to me when we moved there . Her name was Jess . She was the most attractive girl in school , probably because she was also the wittiest person I had ever met . She gave me a reason to actually go to my classes . She saved my life - without her , I would have never become the person I am today . She was the one that pushed me to do my schoolwork , to not give up on people . We didn 't start dating until our junior year , but that didn 't mean we didn 't flirt since before high school . She brought me so much joy . After high school , we married during her second year of college . She studied to be a music teacher . She could play more instruments than I could name , which was one of the things we 'd joke about . No matter how often she 'd remind me of the right name , I 'd always say the wrong one . The other big change in my life happened when I stumbled upon a kung fu dojo . It was an old , run down building with peeling paint and some Chinese characters painted on the door . I was thirteen at the time and stupid enough to think that no one would notice if I broke in . It didn 't look like there should be that much room from the outside , nor did I think that it would be so clean . No cobwebs , dust , or debris covered the rooms inside like I had expected . I was so surprised by the appearance , I didn 't hear someone sneak up behind me . Nor did I actually see what hit me . I do remember waking up with a man with a short fu manchu standing over me . I 'm sure I tried to say something witty or smarmy as I stood up because I remember landing back on the ground with a thud . This is how I met my future teacher , Luo Dai . While I can 't say I don 't deserve most of the bruises I received from my master , Luo Dai definitely came from the school of hard knocks , and he teaches the way he was taught . Even though I was a pain in the ass , he didn 't back down . If I fought against him , he didn 't just sit there . He put me in my place more times than I care to admit . He understood me , though . Though the first few years of training under him , he helped me to control the anger I wasn 't able to deal with . When something happened that made me want to punch someone , he knew the right way to channel that rage into something useful - mostly in the form of sets of push ups or an hour of stances . Master Luo Dai gave me the outlet I needed , and between learning kung fu and spending time with Jess , I got into less and less fights at school . I 'll be honest ; I didn 't stop getting into them . I just stopped being the antagonist . I wasn 't his only student . There were quite a few youngsters ( compared to myself ) and he had a couple students who were in their twenties . By the time I was eighteen , they had moved away . Luo Dai asked me to help him teach the younger students , and said he 'd pay for the work . I was going to graduate that spring , so I jumped at the offer . At the time , I had been doing martial arts for half a dozen years and felt that I knew what I was doing . I didn 't realize that teaching the youngsters would show me how wrong I was was . Instead of just going through the motions that had became muscle memory for me , I was learning the concepts behind the strikes , stances , and maneuvers . I had improved more in the first year of teaching the kids than I had the entire first four years of learning kung fu - and that 's not including what Master Luo Dai was teaching me . After I finished school , I started teaching full time at the dojo . My weekdays were full of training and teaching , and when I came home at night , I slept like the dead . Even though we lived together , Jess and I didn 't get to see a whole lot of each other during the week other than the other one asleep . She had her classes , and I had my job . We were happy , though . We made up for lost time during the week with the weekend . We went on road trips , watched movies , even played some video - games when the weather wasn 't so great . She kicked my ass most of the time . That was the sum of my life for the next several years . Jess graduated and became a music teacher at a local school . Students came to and left Luo Dai 's dojo , and I met people I 'm glad to have met and people I 'm glad to have kicked in the chest . In the last few years , I 've only been in contact with one of them : Ken Richard . He came to the dojo a little over a year after I graduated . Eleven at the time , Ken was not exactly the biggest kid at school , and apparently the kids who found out they had more hair than just on their heads thought it 's alright to pick on the smaller ones . Not being a fan of bullies myself , I mentioned to Luo Dai that I could " have a word with those little assholes , " but he shook his head . Knowing better than to try to go behind his back and deal with the problem myself , I gave Ken extra lessons after Luo Dai left for the night , specifically on how to deal with larger opponents . After about a month and a half , Ken was flipping me onto my back , and the kid didn 't break a hundred pounds . Luo Dai definitely knew about the extra lessons but neglected to mention them - or charge for them . A week later , Ken came back with a couple bruises on his face and a concealed limp - as well as the detention slip he got for defending himself and sending the little shithead home with a broken arm . As far as I know , he was never targeted by a bully after that but actually helped to scare off some kids picking on some of the little ones on more than one occasion . Since then , he became a regular at the dojo . He was much more interested in the self - defense aspects of the art than I was , but he grew one hell of a snap kick for sparring . He practiced some Judo from one of the guest trainers Luo Dai brought in every once in a while , and eventually sought training in a Judo place about thirty minutes north of town . Luo Dai was very interested in what Ken learned , as I recall , and asked him to teach some of the techniques to the class every once in a while . After a couple months of training with him on effectively a daily basis , I started to consider him the younger brother I never had . You know - taught him how to throw a punch ( and more importantly , how to take one ) , listened to him talk about school and girls . I 'd call him a nerd ( with a smile ) , and he 'd call me a jerk ( with a friendly punch ) . This was different than what I was used to at the time , though . I never really had any friends at school . Plenty of acquaintances , more than a few ( not - so - friendly ) rivals , but no real friends outside of Jess . Even Luo Dai , whom I highly respected after so many years training under him , wasn 't exactly my friend . Of course there was a bond there , but student - teacher is not the same as buddy - buddy , and we both understood that . Ken was my first actual friend , and no matter what might happen between us , I won 't forget that . Not that I expect anything to go wrong . While I haven 't seen him in a few years , the last time I saw him he was excited about going to learn some Shaolin Kempo Karate in Plattsburgh . I 'm sure I 'll run into him sometime or another . As I had said , my life was pretty much the same week by week for a few years . I was twenty when Jess and I got married . It wasn 't anything big . My grandparents were there , as were Jess 's parents ( who didn 't quite like me for another five years ) . If he had been a little older , I would have asked Ken to be my best man , but since it was a little ceremony , it didn 't really matter if I had one . I was really glad my grandparents made it because I didn 't get to keep them for many more years . My grandmother died about three years later , and her husband followed her within six months . I grieved for them , but I was glad that he didn 't have to wait on this world too long without her . I didn 't realize how lucky he was until much later . The year after , Jess told me something that changed my life . She was pregnant . There really are not words to describe how ecstatic we were . Within the next couple months , we had saved up enough money to get a small house that was smack dab in the middle between our two jobs , was big enough to have a family yet affordable enough to feed one , and actually had a yard to play in . Our daughter was born in the early summer . She had my black hair but her mother 's green eyes . I asked Jess , and she let me call her Li , after my mother . That was the happiest day of my life , getting to see my family together for the first time , to truly feel like I was part of something more than myself . I got to watch Li grow from this little helpless doll that could barely hold its head up to a funny little girl who loved to be outside and watch her dad wail on a target dummy . She was about three the first time she tried to kick at my heavy punching bag . She completely missed and spun all the way around and nailed me in the shin . She burst out laughing when I pretended she hurt me a lot more than her short legs could do . Li actually was quite interested in learning " how to hit like a boy . " I taught her what I could , considering her three - year - old attention span , and told her never to hit someone when they don 't deserve it . She only got into one fight at her daycare , and even her caretaker said it was the boy who started it . I 'm proud that my baby girl stood up for herself . I taught her more as she grew older , including teaching her her first kata around the time she turned five . She had the moves down faster than I first did , and I practiced every day where she only had lessons twice a week . Just like her mom , Li loved music . Not that I had anything against music , but I just never had the time to practice guitar or do more than sing in the shower . Li would sing all the time . When she ate , when she danced , when I was teaching her to hit like a boy - pretty much when she was physically able to sing , she did . Jess also bought her a little keyboard and showed her how to play some nursery rhymes and songs that she heard at daycare . Li learned to read music before she could read sentences , which blew me away . Like her mom , when I was around her , she never ceased to amaze me . We went to Plattsburgh for a little getaway from home for a weekend . It wasn 't anything much other than a change in scenery . Jess and I were considering moving up here in a couple years and wanted to see what it was like . We stayed at a hotel that had its own swimming pool , and Li loved it there . We had to drag her out of the pool every time we let her get in because we didn 't have a pool at home . When she wasn 't in the pool , Li was playing around with beads and other things . She made me a bracelet , but told me not to wear it until we got home that night . She shoved it in my pocket and told me not to look at it . She made me pinky swear . Li was tired from all the swimming , so she slept on the way home . Jess and I actually had a moment of silence . The night was clear , and I could see the moon just starting to rise into the night sky . It was almost full . The roads were pretty empty , as if no one wanted to be out driving on such a peaceful night . That was what I was thinking when I hit a man . I slammed on the brakes as soon as I saw him , but it was too late . I could hear his head smash off the hood , and he flew twenty feet after we connected . Jess screamed , and Li woke up crying . I told Jess to stay in the car and call 911 . I knew how to take care of someone who got a broken bone or a similar injury at the dojo , but I didn 't know how much help I could do . I reached into the dashboard compartment and grabbed the first aid kit . I got out of the car and ran over to the man I hit . I saw he wasn 't wearing shoes and thought that the myth about sending their shoes flying after getting hit by a car was true . He was groaning , which I thought was a good sign . His face was smashed and an arm was bent where there was no joint . His leg was twisted around , and there was a long rip in his jeans . I looked back at Jess , and I could see her crying and yelling into the phone . I dropped down to one knee and looked back at the man , then did a double take . I thought his arm was broken , and his face looked just like it was covered in blood , but nothing too roughed up . I guessed his injuries weren 't as bad as I had thought . I opened up the first aid kit and found a tourniquet to put on his leg . I moved his jeans out of the way and followed the trail of blood . There was no wound . I looked on both sides , eased him over a little , but there was no cut or slice , not even a damn bruise on his entire leg . I sat back on my heels for a moment , and that 's when I heard the snap . The man 's leg , the one that was twisted the wrong way , suddenly kicked out and realigned itself . His back arched and his eyes flew open . I tried to jump away , but I was so shocked by his sudden movement that I slipped . The man 's face turned toward me , and he opened his mouth to scream . But he didn 't scream ; he screeched . His mouth wasn 't normal ; he had fangs . He kipped up and struck me with his forearm and sent me flying . The strike was ridiculously strong - I landed on the hood of my car . I think I heard Jess scream again . I told her to grab Li and run . I wasn 't sure if I had any broken ribs , but my limbs were fine and my collar bone wasn 't broken ; I could keep him away from my family . I grunted and rolled off my car . I looked at the man , but then had to look again . I wasn 't sure what I was seeing . He kept flickering every time I blinked . One moment a man , another a fanged shadow . His , no , its shadow had another layer to it , a bright red aura that rippled with vibrant streaks . I didn 't know what it meant , but I knew what it meant for me and my family . It wanted to hurt me , to hurt them . I saw the hunger in its eyes . I had to stop it . I ran forward as soon as I heard Jess 's door open , trying to keep its attention on me . I dropped low at the last second to sweep at its legs . I connected , but it barely moved . It grabbed my arm and threw me against a tree . I heard Jess scream my name , and though my vision was filled with stars , I knew it turned to look at her . I yelled again for her to run with Li as I pushed myself up again . My body screamed at me to stay on the ground , but I couldn 't just let that thing attack them . I grabbed a thick branch that had broken off when I hit the tree and snapped it so that there was a point on one end . I charged at the thing , and at the last moment , it moved just enough so that I didn 't stab it through the chest but into the back of its arm . I know I struck bone . It howled in pain and swung its arm , batting me away , but I remained on my feet and moved between the monster and my family . It smiled with a mouth too large for its face as it tore the sharp limb out of its arm . Then it spoke in a strange double voice , like something out of a horror movie . It jumped . Not around me or into me , but over me . I barely had enough time to bring up my arms as it kicked at my head , and instead of knocking me out , it made my arms go numb from its horrible strength . Li cried out " Daddy ! " as Jess ran with our girl in her arms . I don 't think she heard it land behind her . I saw it shake its hand once , twice , and claws grew from its fingertips . I ran for them , but I couldn 't make it in time . My vision flickered again . I saw the shadow beast , and its claw was impossibly long . I saw my beautiful Jess , running for her life , worried that she 'll never see me again . It wasn 't quite her , though . She looked too melodic to be real . I could almost see the songs she loved around her . I saw my sweet Li , who wasn 't afraid of anything . I saw her as she was when she was born , when she was when she was three and first tried to kick at my punching bag , and as she was then , fierce , hopeful , but scared of what was going to happen next . It was raining . It didn 't feel like rain ; it was too warm and sweet to be rain . I looked up and saw lightning dancing across the sky , but no thunder , no clouds . There was a sound like machines working . Hundreds of them . Not just heavy thunks but little tinkering sounds that meshed into something beautifully harmonic . I thought Jess would have loved to hear this . Then I realized what I left . I didn 't know how to get back to the accident , to the monster , to my family . I looked around , and the only clear image I could find was of a tower in the distance . I ran to it . I ran as if I wasn 't just in a life and death situation , that I wasn 't out of breath , and that I wasn 't bleeding . The air around me gave seemed to give me the energy to keep going . I don 't know how long I ran , or how far it was to the tower , but the closer I got , the louder the mechanical music became . It seemed to come from this tower . The tower was made of gold and silver cogs and machinery . On its peak was a huge golden key that spun slowly , and in its center was a burning eye , like that of Sauron , but not hateful , only guiding . It seemed to follow me as I got closer to the tower . I reached twin doors made of pure gold , with silver inlays of thousands of weapons , from swords and spears to guns and bows . There was even a stylized fist and a single image of a fire growing an open palm . The doors opened with barely a touch . Inside was a tall , slender tower made of swirling silver and gold . There were markings all over the tower . As I got closer , I realized those markings were names in a thousand different languages . I saw a calligraphy brush and an ink well on a small table near a blank spot on the tower . The brush looked just like the one that my grandfather had used to try to teach me how to write my name in Mandarin . I opened my eyes and found it was raining . Not the sweet rain of the other world , but the cold rain that told me to get moving . I was kneeling on the ground , and I looked around for the monster that was attacking - and then I saw them . On the ground . EMTs arrived on scene after a few minutes with police cars in tow . The 911 operator had heard my wife scream about the man that attacked me . Apparently , there was a string of murders going on , and the police thought it was a serial killer on the loose . I couldn 't help them much . I could barely speak . All I could do is stare at where the EMTs were moving my wife and daughter . Their , their bodies . A man named Richard Fawkes was one of the EMTs working that night . He offered to give me a place to stay for the night . Said he was almost done his shift when the call came in . I numbly accepted his offer . I told him what I saw , the monster , the dream world , the tower . I told him everything that happened that night , everything that I could bear to say . He sat there and listened for what had to be hours . When I was finished , he said this : I couldn 't argue with him . I physically couldn 't say anything else after that . He asked if there was anyone he could call for me , to try to get help , for me to live with for the time being . I opened my phone , hit speed dial , and handed it to him . I woke up at eleven the next morning , feeling worse than when I passed out . I reached out on the bed behind me and felt no one there . It hit me . " I called your dad and let him know what happened . He said he 's on his way . I 'll be in the next room . Whenever you want to come out , I 'll be here . I took the day off to look after you . - Richard " He meant Luo Dai . I wasn 't sure what I would say to him , nor did I know what he would say when he got here , but I was grateful that he was coming up . I went into the bathroom and washed my face . I realized that while I was aching , I don 't think I had any broken bones . I was more than a little surprised considering how hard I was flung around by that monster . I flipped on all the lights and took a look at myself . I was stunned . I didn 't have any cuts , scrapes , or even bruises anywhere on my body . Despite aching all over , I couldn 't find a single mark on me . It was as if I wasn 't in a fight last night . That thought ran through my mind and got my hopes up , but then I figured if last night didn 't happen , I wouldn 't be in a stranger 's home . I pulled on my shirt and walked out into Richard 's living room . He asked me how I was doing . I shrugged . He said I had free reign over anything in the kitchen whenever I got hungry . I didn 't really want to eat , but since I hadn 't eaten since lunch the day before - " my last meal with my family " crossed my mind - I figured I should eat something . I thanked him and headed to the refrigerator . I heard a knock on the door as I stared blankly at the almost empty fridge . I saw a half - empty jar of strawberry jelly , a tub of peanut butter with a knife still in it , and , looking on the shelf next to the fridge , two slices of bread left of the loaf - both of the ends . Not to be rude to my host , I took out the peanut butter and jelly and threw the bread in the toaster . Then I heard a sword unsheathing and Richard yell out my name , promptly followed by two thuds and a thump . I turned around to see him crumpled on the ground , with an older man with a fu manchu standing over him , looking at me . He looked over at me again and the smile faded to a sad grimace . He walked over to me and , for the third time in my life , he hugged me . The first time was when Jess and I were married . The second time was when Li was born . There was no joy in this , only the pain of a father who isn 't able to help his child . " What ? " I demanded , my voice going harsh . " Do you really think I give a shit about anything I 'd get after losing them ? I don 't want a single damn thing that costs me that . " I realized I was shouting . I ran my hand over my face , trying to calm myself down . " I just want them back . " " If I could ? Of course . But I fought that thing . " I threw up my arms . " There was nothing I could do to actually hurt it . " Both Luo Dai and Richard nodded . " It 's called a Watchtower , " Richard said . " It 's what gives us our link to the Supernal Realm . It 's what lets us be mages . " " Look at yourself , " Luo Dai said . " Shouldn 't you have broken ribs ? Cuts ? Bruises at the least ? Does someone 's body do that naturally ? " " Yeah , " Richard said . " You were busted up by the time we got there last night . At least three broken ribs and more than a few scrapes along your arms and back . " " This has to be some kind of a joke , " I said . The toaster popped , revealing toast that was more burnt than bread . I walked over to grab it and make my sandwich . He reached out with one hand and mumbled something in a different language . His other hand made a fast gesture that ended with a sudden upwards motion . I could feel something to my left , and when I looked , the pieces of toast lifted out of the toaster and landed on the plate . My jaw dropped . Richard smiled . " Care for another demonstration ? " He reached over the counter and grabbed a glass of water . He made a circular motion over the glass , ending with a bird 's head shape pointing inside . As he brought his hand up , the water followed , taking the shape of a bird with a long tail that still touched the bottom of the glass . He then lifted the bird with his other hand and threw it at my face . It turns out , I cast a spell that altered the course that the water bird was going . Didn 't know I was going to do that ; it was just reflexive as if I was countering a punch . Richard said that I probably healed myself in my sleep without even realizing it . Apparently , it 's not that uncommon . The two of them tried to fill me in on some of the more essential aspects of magic . It seems that there are different things that different mages focus on depending on which Watchtower they see . Luo Dai said that his Awakening vision was similar to mine . He told me that I 'd be intuitively good at controlling energy , both physical and magical , like how I altered the direction of the bird . Richard , on the other hand , was adept at healing . They both agreed that I needed someone to teach me more about magic , and Richard said that he was due for some time off from work soon . Luo Dai said that Richard was welcome to head back south with us and help in my training . He replied , saying something about needed to go on a trip . Then a thought struck me . I didn 't want this to happen to anyone else . I couldn 't stop that thing because I didn 't have any power . Now I do . There are monsters that prey on people who cannot defend themselves . If I can control the forces of nature , then I can fight for those who can 't . I might even find the monster that killed Jess and Li . It was wrong . I didn 't watch them die . But I know I will watch it die . I noticed that I was sweating . I looked around the room , and both Luo Dai and Richard were staring at me nervously . " What ? " I said , the rage building inside seeping into my voice . I leaned up against a wall and ran my hand over my face . I put my other hand in my pocket and felt something . I reached in and pulled out the bracelet that Li made me yesterday . It had one word on it with hearts on both ends . " Daddy . " The last thing I heard my little girl say . I took a deep breath to calm myself . Then I put it on my wrist and tightened the straps . I could feel the temp returning to normal . I looked to Luo Dai , the man who was a better father than my own flesh and blood . I looked to Richard , a man who I met just last night , yet I felt a strange brotherhood with him . I looked down to the bracelet that Li made me . In these past five years , I 've gained knowledge and power of things that most people don 't believe , and that is more literal than I would have first guessed . Luo Dai has not only taught me spells and arcane lore , but helped me join an order of mages called the Adamantine Arrow . They specialize in combat magic , which suits me just fine . He told me to take a shadow name , a pseudonym to protect my identity from mages who can make use of names to attack from a distance . I chose Heng Zhi , which roughly translates to " Endurance " and " Will , " two of the pillars of kung fu . Luo Dai also introduced me into my Legacy , which is what mages call soul crafting . After hours of testing my physical , mental , and spiritual limits , I became a Perfected Adept , a kind of mage who mesh arcane learning with martial arts and physical aptitude . The daily training with Luo Dai and occasional visits from Richard helped to keep my mind off of Jess and Li , but there isn 't a day that goes by that I don 't think of them . It 's because of them that I moved to Plattsburgh a year ago . Luo Dai told me that he kept track of a Hallow , a magically infused location , and he offered it to me to help in both my training and in my calling . I moved to Plattsburgh to try to keep the people there safe . I know I am only one man . I know that I could easily screw up and get myself killed . But I also know that I have a fighting chance to do more good here than in some tower reading a bunch of books . I promised myself that I will do everything in my power to stop the monsters that hunt the innocent . Jess and Li might not be here to cheer me on , but I have no doubt this is exactly what they would have wanted me to do . |
For those of you who have read any of my previous stories you know they are not just paragraph after paragraph of sex , there actually is a story . I won 't vouch for how good the story is , that is for you to decide . But if you are looking for constant sex you should return to the main page now so you won 't be disappointed . I was cold and uncomfortable , but mostly just bored . I 've been sitting on the ground , just inside the tree line , overlooking a wide expanse of pasture spreading out below me since late afternoon . A quick look at my watch showed it was just past 4 AM now . Behind me a mountain gradually climbed several thousand feet . It was August , and damn hot during the day , but I was high enough in altitude here that it could get very chilly at night . When I got here it was pretty hot so I left my jacket in the jeep . Not one of my brighter moves . I was a good ten miles out of town . Dan Jennings has a nice spread here . In fact he has the largest ranch in the county , but this part of it is quite a distance from his ranch house ; which partially explained why I was stuck out here . He has been losing several head of cattle every week for the last couple of months . He and his four sons had tried to catch the rustler but every time they staked out a pasture no one showed up , or a couple head would disappear from another herd . He finally called the sheriff Monday morning and the sheriff called me Monday afternoon . I am the low man on the totem pole around here so his plan fell on me . But to be fair , I would have ended up with it anyway . I man the sheriff 's substation here so it was in my territory . The nearest deputy to me was a good twenty miles south . This part of the country is pretty sparsely populated . My town has barely fifteen hundred people , a movie theatre with one screen ; a couple of diners , a few bars and a relatively clean motel provided all our entertainment . We were too small to have a police department so I was it . The downtown area was about eight blocks long with the usual small businesses a small town like ours needed . A state highway ran through the middle of the downtown to provide us with some connection to the rest of the world . I shifted my legs around trying to get my right leg straight . Eight months ago I was still in the Army and the personnel carrier I was riding in through Ghazni , Afghanistan took a hit from a RPG and left me with a leg peppered with shrapnel . It helped me decide to leave the Army at the end of my tour , and for the last eight months I had been making a steady recovery to my old self but my leg was not quite there yet . Oh , I could still walk or run fine , I passed the physical for the job , but I was left with a frequent unexplained ache . Once I was semi - comfortable I scanned the area again . Maybe another hour and I would call it a day . There was a full moon and from here I could see the entire herd of cattle Jennings kept on this range . I wasn 't about to begin counting but there had to be over five hundred head . From where I was sitting I could easily see the two roads that angled their way here from the state highway , about two miles away . One of them eventually became the old abandoned logging road I had parked on . From my vantage point I should be able to spot anyone attempting to get to this herd . My jeep was about a quarter mile behind me , well hidden back in the trees on that old logging road where it started to make its way up the mountain . The only people who used it any more were deer hunters . I had walked the rest of the way here . I thought it best to get here early and be out of sight in the almost non - existent case I saw someone . I had pretty good duty here . Not much had happened in the six months since I had taken the job . I was pretty much my own boss ; nothing like my experience as an MP in the army . The sheriff was stationed in the county seat , a lonely eighty - mile drive from here . I would drive over once every couple of weeks to meet with him and the other deputies and discuss the activity , or more the case , the lack of it . I had grown up here but after high school I joined the Army . My parents had moved away shortly after I left but they had kept our small house here . They thought they might use it as a summer getaway or as a rental but with my return they gave it to me . The pace here can be pretty slow but after two tours in Afghanistan I was looking forward to some peace and quiet . After another hour passed called it a night and hoofed it back to my jeep and headed towards town . My preferred diner in town was just a block from the sheriff 's station and it was packed even at this hour . Quite a few of the local farmers and ranchers tended to get up early and come down for breakfast , or just coffee , before beginning the day 's work . I liked the crowd and usually joined in , it kept the lines of communication open , but this morning I was beat . My office had two cells and on days like this , when I did not want to go home and both cells were empty , I 'd lock the door and sack out on a bunk in one of the cells . In spite of the chill I felt up on the mountain , it was still pretty warm here in town , even at 6 AM . It was one of those weeks were it was over a 100 in the shade and only cooled off to 90 during the night . I went into the first cell , stripped , and just crashed on top of the cot . It was a short three hours later when the phone insinuated itself into my dream . It became the alarm at our base in Afghanistan warning of incoming mortar rounds . I rolled off the cot in a sweat looking for my helmet . It took a few seconds to realize where I was . I got to my feet and walked out into the main office to answer the phone . " Tom , its Bill " . Bill was the sheriff . " What took you so long ? The phone must have rang twenty times . Don 't you work for me any more " ? " I was outside talking to someone and just stepped in and heard it " . I was thankful I had closed the blinds when I came in this morning . I was standing in the middle of the room buck - naked . Hopefully I also remembered to lock the door . " So what 's up " ? " Check your email in a few minutes . I 'm sending you a video file from a bank robbery that occurred yesterday in Magalia . I think it 's the same guy that has been hitting a bank about every three months around here for the last couple of years . It has been spread out between several counties so we did not notice the pattern at first . He 's hitting our county about once a year and I think our turn is coming up . I want him this time " . " This is the first time we got a good look at his face " . " Okay , I 'll watch for it . I 'd better go now " . I was trying to get off the phone so I could get dressed . With my luck that door is not locked and with the closed blinds I would not have any warning until someone opened the door . And no doubt it would be one of the local mothers walking in on me with my dick hanging out . Then I 'll be known in the rumor mill as the perverted war - damaged vet . Then Bill got my attention again , " What 's the hurry ? Oh , I almost forgot , how did it go last night at the Jennings place ? See anything " ? " It was one of the more boring nights of my life . I did not see a thing . I 've got to run but I 'll watch that video as soon as it shows up " . I quickly hung up before he could get talking again . After hanging up I checked the door , I was okay ; it was locked . I went back to the cell area and showered and dressed . When I was finished I came out and began opening up shop . I opened the blinds , unlocked the door and then sat down at my laptop . I saw that I had several emails . A couple of the usual " We 'll make your penis so big you 'll need headlights " . Another from a new widow in Nigeria that needed my help transferring funds and a couple from the guys in my outfit still stationed in Afghanistan . " Incoming mail " still showed at the bottom of the window . I waited a couple of minutes but it was still ' incoming ' . It must be a pretty good - sized file . I deleted the garbage and read how things were going in Afghanistan . The file was still just a quarter done after fifteen minutes . There is no DSL in the boonies . I decided to get some breakfast and check it when I got back . At the diner all the tables were taken but I saw Henry sitting alone in a booth by the window so I went in and joined him . He was retired now and had probably been here talking to his buddies since the sun came up . He was an old friend of my father and I had known him all my life . We had breakfast or lunch together a couple of times a week . We were chatting about nothing in particular when I looked out the window and saw a tall striking blond walk by ; she looked to be in her mid - twenties , a few years younger than me . I just caught a glimpse of her face before she turned to cross the street walking away from me . She had to stop at the curb as a semi and trailer drove by on its way out of town . It was Jerry Blair , a local trucker . He left every Tuesday morning for a cross - state trip . He wouldn 't be back until Saturday night . Henry looked up and saw me staring out the window . " Pretty isn 't she " . " I 'll say " . It was pretty warm out already and she was wearing white shorts and a polo shirt that hugged her body , really showing off her shape . She had a nice tan ; long slender legs and the shorts set them off perfectly . She had to be close to 6 foot . She was the perfect height for me . I was a bit tired of the short girls I had dated in town . Of the available girls , the tallest must be around 5 ' 3 " . Lay on top and your chest smothers them . Henry was watching me with a smile on his face , " You don 't recognize her do you " ? " I don 't think I would forget someone who looks like her " . She had crossed the street and was now standing in front of a dress shop talking with another woman . They must be good friends , they hugged and now it looked like they were going to stop and talk for a while . " I would have remembered if I had bumped into her in the last six months . Who is she " ? " She did not always look like that . She was a bit shorter and down right skinny . Do you remember Paula Banks " ? " Yes . She was a skinny little girl who used to hang around the house making mooneyes at me back when I was in high school . Are they related " ? I had not thought of her in years though I had one very distinct memory of her in the tree house in my back yard . I looked out the window to see her standing across the street looking my way . She gave a little wave towards me . I started to raise my hand to wave back when another truck drove up , stopped and blocked my view . She did not look like the girl that caught me up in my tree house one afternoon jacking off while watching Mrs . Henderson nude sunbathing in her backyard . Mrs . Henderson had a high fence that blocked the view from the other houses , but up in my tree house , hidden in the leaves , you had a great view . My girl friend at the time would not do more than kiss when we made out . I relieved a lot of internal pressure those summer afternoons watching Mrs . Henderson . The afternoon I remember I was up there naked , peeking through the leaves and beating off , just ready to cum , when I heard a voice behind me , " Whatcha ' doin " ? I about jumped out of the tree . I turned around , dick in hand , expecting to see my mother . " Nothing " , I said as low as I could . Any louder and Mrs . Henderson might hear and that would be the end of her sunbathing . Instead I saw Paula standing on the ladder , head and shoulders in the opening to the tree house looking at me . She looked down at my groin , smiled , and then climbed the rest of the way up . I froze . My clothes were behind her in on a makeshift table . Paula spent a lot of time at our house . She lived alone with her dad a few doors down from us . Her mother had died when she was five . She was twelve and in the eighth grade now and my mother had become something of a surrogate mom to her . I was a senior in high school so of course she tried to hang around me and just as certainly I tried to stay away from her . I don 't remember much of what we said but I do remember she walked over to where I was standing and looked through the leaves of the tree . She moved a limb and saw Mrs . Henderson . She was lying on a lawn chair without a stitch on . She must have been trying to tan the inside of her thighs , as her legs were pretty far apart . I remember her smiling when she saw what I was looking at . She turned to me . I was still holding onto my cock . She got down on her knees in front of me . " You can watch her while I take care of this " . She replaced my hand with hers and began pumping me . I remember looking down at her . Her little hand pumping away on my cock , her face just inches away with her mouth open , breathing hard . Seeing her mouth open like that I was tempted . I had heard the other guys talking about how great it was when their girlfriends gave them a blowjob . I hadn 't got my girl friend to touch my cock , much less give me a blowjob . I put my hand behind her head and tried to give her the idea of what I wanted by pushing her mouth towards the head of my cock . Her head moved only an inch closer before she resisted , closing her mouth tight . She looked up at me and shook her head . She seemed angry . When I moved my hand away she looked back down , continuing to jack me off . She really seemed to know what she was doing . I barely lasted a minute or so before I began squirting cum all over her t - shirt . When I was finished she pulled on my cock to get me down on the floor with her . She pulled off her now wet t - shirt , then her shorts and panties and sat down on my now wilted cock . She had decent tits for such a young girl . They were not big but really well formed . That was the closest I had ever been to bare breasts and I took a good look now that they were staring me in the face . She leaned forward and I reached out with both hands and touched her breasts , feeling the swell of them , the nipples getting hard in my fingers . She began squirming around on me , grinding my cock underneath her . I could feel myself getting hard agaIn the time it took for that memory to flash by , the truck started moving and I could see across the street again . Paula was gone . I looked up and down the street but she was no where in sight . " I really don 't know anymore . She keeps pretty much to herself . She was the smartest girl to come out of this town . A couple of years after she hit high school she started looking like you see her now . You were gone and in the service by then . She was in all the school plays and was quite the actress . She had a lead in a couple of Shakespeare plays . She was the Homecoming Queen her senior year and entered a number of beauty pageants . She won the county pageant and was a runner - up in the state . She was also a real brain in science . When she left for college we didn 't know if she was going to end up in Hollywood or become a scientist . I know she was studying physics or chemistry or something like that . It was some kind of science . But then the old story , she met someone at college , fell in love and got married . He was a studying to be a minister . Everyone was surprised when she dropped out and they came back here . We thought she was much too ambitious for that . He was the minister at the Methodist Church here in town for a while " . " They went on some kind of missionary trip to South America three years ago , Costa Rica I think . They were supposed to be there for a month or so but her husband got sick about a month after they got there . He had a heart attack or something and died down there " . " I don 't really know . We didn 't know him very well ; he wasn 't here long enough . His family was from out of state . She was all alone then . Her dad died the year before in a house fire . They think he was smoking and fell asleep . I heard scuttlebutt that she had an insurance settlements of several million from the husband and her dad . I guess she can afford to travel around . I thought she might go back to school but she didn 't " . We shot the bull for a while longer . I glanced out the window every so often but Paula did not make another appearance . Then I noticed the time . I needed to get to work . I said my goodbyes , paid my tab and made my way back to the office . I checked my email and the file was ready . I clicked on the attachment and settled in to watch the video . The resolution was pretty decent . It showed a bank lobby with no customers present . The door opened and a man walked in . He looked to be a bit taller than average , maybe 5 ' 11 or 6 foot , and was a fairly thin , maybe 135 lbs . It was difficult to be sure about the weight because he was wearing baggy overalls . He had a small well trimmed beard and mustache , dark glasses and was wearing a fishing hat . He kept his head down so I wasn 't getting a good look at his face . As I watched , he walked over to a teller and passed a note with his left hand . His right stayed in his pocket . The teller looked up at him quickly , then , visibly shaken , went to three stations , filling a bag with bills before returning and handing the bag to the man . The man tipped his hat to the teller and turned to walk out of the bank . I could tell the file I was watching had had been spliced together from other files because the camera angle changed . I was now watching him walk towards the door from the door camera . Just before he got to the door he stopped and looked up at the camera . He stood there for just a couple of seconds and then , with a very small smile , waved to us before walking out of the bank . When the video reached the end it automatically looped and started over . There was something about it that that bothered me as I continued to watch . I supposed the beard and mustache could be false but I just could not put my finger on what was causing that nagging feeling . Was it someone I recognized ? After the third pass the feeling was still there but just as vague . I began watching everything else , avoiding looking at the bank robber . Maybe the robber has an accomplice and that 's what I 'm picking up . When nothing obvious jumped out I watched out the bank 's window , watching car and foot traffic , the reflections in the window ; still nothing but that nagging feeling would not go away . After almost two hours watching the video I finally closed it . It was time to get to work . Maybe when I look at it again later I will figure out whatever it is that is bothering me . I finished up some paperwork , had lunch , drove around town a few times and had the rest of my day taken up working on a minor traffic accident just out of town . As it began getting dark I decided to do one last good deed . I drove a few miles out of town to a small lake , the high school kid 's favorite make - out and partying spot . I found a couple of cars parked there with a party getting ready to start . I confiscated a couple of cases of beer and sent the kids on their way . I made my way back towards town and was about a half mile out ; surrounded by English walnut orchards , when I remembered something I had seen earlier in the day . I quickly drove home , parked the jeep and switched to my Prius . Its quietness and black color would be perfect for what I wanted to do . I quickly headed back out of town and it took just a few minutes to get to the dirt road through the walnut orchards that I wanted . I left the main road , turned off my lights and drove slowly through the orchard for about a quarter mile . It was quite dark now but a partial moon gave me just enough light to find my way . I pulled off the dirt road into the trees . About a hundred yards ahead of me I could see the lights of a single house surrounded by orchards . I reached over and turned my radio down . I did not want a call to come through alerting everyone to where I was . I drove closer and stopped while I was still a couple of windrows in the orchard ; about twenty five yards from the house . It would be almost impossible for anyone to see me here in the trees and in the dark unless they were looking for me . The house was set back from the highway several hundred feet . It was still close enough that you could hear the trucks going by . The highway made a sharp turn right at their property that caused the trucks to gear down and then back up after negotiating the turn . I was facing the side of the house with the living room to my right . The curtains were open and the room was well lit . As I sat and watched , Linda walked into the room . Linda was Jerry Blair 's wife and Jerry was going to be out of town for a few days . Linda was going to be alone . That just was not right for someone as good looking and sexy as Linda . Linda walked around turning off the lights until the house was dark . A few seconds later , a light came on in the bedroom facing me . A bed filled the view through the open window . I watched as Linda walked around the foot of the bed and then walked out of sight . When she returned she had taken off her blouse and shorts and was now just in her bra and panties . She had a fantastic figure , great legs , flat stomach and nice breasts , not too large , not too small . She disappeared to the left again and was gone for a few minutes before she reappeared , this time nude . She walked to the side of the bed , pulled the sheet and blanket to the foot of the bed and then once again moved out of sight . The room was suddenly dark . Well that was not going to help . The room reappeared in flickering light . She had turned on the TV and was now lying in bed watching . I reached behind me and grabbed my binoculars from the backseat . Once I had them focused it was like I was standing outside the window . She was lying there in the nude watching TV , flipping channels , looking bored . Perhaps there is something I could do to relieve that . After a few minutes she put the remote down but did not turn off the TV ; I could still see her naked body with the lights flickering across it . As I watched , her hands began moving around her stomach , up to and around her breasts and then down to her pubic hair . It was very erotic . I was beginning to get hard . She had large nipples . One of them was erect ; sticking up in the air while the other was lying over , still a bit deflated . That was no longer my problem as I was fully inflated . One of her hands moved up to squeeze one breast and then the other while she used the other to move her fingertips through her pubic hair . She was a true blond . She lifted up her knees and spread them apart . While one hand moved back and forth between her breasts the other hand was getting more active between her legs . Where she had been lightly rubbing herself before I could tell she was putting much more into it now . Her hips would occasionally rise from the bed . Her left hand moved from her breasts down to her stomach . Her breathing had gotten faster . Well enough of binoculars , she could use another hand , maybe two . I started to put the glasses away when the radio squelched . Damn it ! Instead of turning it down , I should have turned it off ! I walked off , several rows away from the house and answered the call . Great , it was central dispatch . A call had come in from Mrs . Danning regarding a prowler . Mrs . Danning was eighty with terrible eyesight . She could not see a prowler if he was in the room with her . It was probably wishful thinking . Unfortunately , she was the Sheriffs aunt . I had to answer the call . Fortunately she lived at the edge of town , not too far from here . Maybe I could get there and back quickly . I watched Linda through the glasses while I started the engine . I saw no sign she heard anything . She was still quite preoccupied . It took about ten minutes to get to Mrs . Danning 's house . Fortunately that was how long it took for my erection to go away . Another ten to convince her there was no peeping tom trying to get a look at her in her undies , and just talking to her , probably the real reason she called was she was just lonely , and then another ten to get back to my spot in the orchard . As I got closer my erection was returning . In my mind I could still see her there , naked , spread out on top of her bed . It took very little to add myself to the picture , lying on top of her , toes dug into the mattress for traction . Damn ! The window was dark . I was too late . I rubbed my cock through my pants for a moment and then made a decision . I turned the radio off and got out . When I got up to the front of the house I set down on the front porch steps and took off my boots and socks . I tried the door ; it wasn 't locked . Just as I started to enter the house I heard a truck begin to gear down . I stopped and waited until it made the turn . Just as it began accelerating I stepped inside and quietly closed the door , using the noise from the truck to mask any noise I made . I stood there for a moment , listening . It was quiet in the house . There was enough moonlight coming through the windows that I could see the room . I carefully walked over to the sofa and put my boots down on the floor . I took off my shirt and then my pants . I pulled my boxers down over my erection and laid them on the arm of the sofa . I reached down and grabbed my cock and squeezed . I needed to relieve some of the tension . I started down the hall towards the bedroom . The floor gave a loud squeak under my weight and I froze . I waited a minute and heard nothing so I continued down the hall . When I reached the end of the hall the door on my left was open . When I looked in I saw Linda , still nude , asleep , lying on the bed . It was quite warm and she had not pulled a sheet over her . A ceiling fan was circling slowly above the bed . It created just enough of a breeze to give some relief from the heat . Linda was still lying on her back with both hands above her head . Her nipples , so erect before , were now lying a bit sideways , like tall buildings , collapsed . Her knees were no longer raised and spread out to the side . Her legs were now flat on the bed but still spread fairly apart . As I looked from her legs up to her face , and then back to her legs , I decided there was more than enough room for me between them . Her mouth was open and I watched her chest rise and fall as she breathed in and out . I began slowly stroking myself with my right hand . I looked at her open mouth and thought , maybe later . I carefully reached out and touched her left nipple . I very lightly moved it around with one finger . It responded by gradually expanding until it was fully erect , much like myself . I reached over to Linda 's other nipple , rubbing my open hand over it , letting it tickle my palm . She let out a soft moan but did not wake . I moved down to the foot of the bed . Now would come the difficult part . At what point would she wake up . I carefully began climbing up on the bed between her legs , trying to not make the bed shake . The bed was jostling around a bit but she did not move and her breathing did not change . I finally reached a point where my knees were between her hers and my hands were on the bed alongside of her , even with her breasts . I moved one knee up just a bit more , putting a slight pressure on the inside of her thigh . She responded by lifting her knees up a few inches and then spreading her legs wider . I wonder what dream she is having now . I tilted my hips down so my cock was pointed at her pussy , just an inch away . I shifted up just a bit more so that the head moved up against her lips . Pushing ever so slightly against her I could feel her lips part and I easily slid in just a bit , not even the whole head . Her earlier masturbation had left her wet , that was going to help . Linda moaned very low and I felt her thighs move slightly wider . I lowered my body to hers until my chest touched just her nipples . I swayed a few inches , side to side , letting her nipples drag on my chest . Another low moan escaped her lips . She lifted her hips up towards me and I slid into her another half an inch . It felt so good in her . The breeze from the fan was cool on my back but it was hot inside of her . I was dying to plunge deeper into her . I finally could not take it any longer and pushed farther in . Her eyes flew open in shock and her mouth closed . I reached up quickly to where her arms crossed over her head at the wrists and held them both in my left hand . With the slight moonlight coming through the window behind me my face would be dark . I was sure she could not tell who was on top of her . She began to squirm under me , trying to move up , to get me out of her . I immediately lowered my body so my weight , while still partially on my elbows , succeeded in pinning her to the bed . Her mouth was now by my ear . As I pushed deeper in her she said " NI put my arm out and she lifted her head up onto my shoulder . I wrapped my arm around her , giving her a hug . We lay there relaxing , the hum of the fan and the breeze very comforting . In the distance I could hear another semi gear down , make the turn and then accelerate away . Just as it faded out in the distance she said , " That was not nice , not waiting for me , but I did like the surprise . What took you so long to get here " ? " I didn 't think you needed me . From what I saw earlier you had a real head start on me " . She looked over at me . " You were outside earlier ? Why didn 't you come in " ? " When I got here you were in bed beginning without me . I got a call and had to leave . When I came back the lights were out . I would have left but the thought of your body in here , all neglected , was a bit too much . Besides , our motto is " Serve the Public " . She lifted a leg over me and climbed on top of me . " I think you have a bit more serving to do . Do you think he is ready for the public ? Jerry is not going to be home until tomorrow night so I want to take advantage of this . Can you stay the night ? That gives me tonight and tomorrow morning " . She was moving her hips around on mine , trying to encourage some response from me . I could feel the stirrings . It was not going to take long . I smiled and said , " Perhaps he needs more encouragement " . She giggled , " Perhaps he does . So , what kind of encouragement do you think works best " ? She gave me a quick kiss on the lips and then got off me and turned around on her hands and knees , facing towards my feet . She took my semi - limp cock in her hand and moved him around , pointing him this way and that . " He doesn 't seem to need a lot of encouragement " . She then bent her head over me and sucked me entirely into her mouth ; running her tongue all around me . This was not going to take long at all ; I could feel myself growing rapidly . Linda pulled me from her mouth , " Oh , he likes this " ! She licked me up and down my shaft , and every couple of passes would take me in her mouth again and run her tongue all around the head . She pulled me from her mouth , " I think you 're for prime time " . " I don 't know . It might be too much excitement for the little guy . He might blow his top . Then where will I be " ? But before I could say anything she took me in her mouth again and began working her way up and down my shaft . She was right . It would not take much of this before I would be cumming on that tongue . I reached down to pull her up to me . As she moved around to straddle me I heard a new truck in the distance , one more gearing down to make the turn ; at this point just loud enough to hear over the drone of the fan . Linda had finished turning around and now was sitting astride me . She reached down , grabbed me firmly in hand , positioned me to her satisfaction , and then slowly sat down on me . I was once again comfortably buried inside of her . She sat there for a moment , not moving , a smile on her face , just enjoying the sensation of me buried to the hilt inside of her . She began moving her hips , slowly back and forth , rubbing her clitoris against me . It seemed a lazy motion , but then she had all night . I started to reach up to cup her breasts when I realized something was bothering me . I continued running my fingers around her breasts , teasing her nipples by not touching them , but there was something wrong . Linda had begun rocking faster on me , working her way to a climax . Then it hit me , what it was that was wrong . I grabbed her by the waist , and rolling to the side , tossing her off of me . As I moved to get out of bed she cried , " What are you doing " ? I moved around the bed towards the door . " Where are you going " ? " Wait here . I 'll be right back . I have to check something " . I heard her say something in reply but I was already out the bedroom door , quickly moving down the hall with my dick waving side to side . I could be wrong but if I wasn 't there wasn 't much time . A truck had geared down for the turn but had not geared back up . Why ? I didn 't like the obvious explanation . When I got to the front door I carefully peeked out the front window . There was Jerry , Linda 's husband , about 100 feet down the driveway , walking towards the house . He would be here in a few seconds ; I had to move fast . I hurried over to the sofa , grabbed my clothes and headed back down the hall to the bedroom . Linda smiled when she saw me return but then noticed my clothes under my arm . I saw the confusion on her face but before she could say anything I said , " Jerry is walking down the driveway right now . He will be here in just a few seconds . Clean up . I 'm going out the back . I 'll call you tomorrow " . Before she could answer I ducked out , headed for the backdoor . When I got there I quickly looked out the window . Jerry had not circled around the back . I opened the door a crack and then waited . When I heard the front door open I slipped out the back and carefully closed the door . I ran as fast as I could into the orchard and then circled around to my car . I put my pile of clothes on top of the car and looked for my boxers to start getting dressed . Damn ! I looked through them again ; still no boxers . Where did I leave them ? I looked up at the house . The light was on in the bedroom and I could see Jerry standing beside the bed . Linda did not look alarmed and Jerry did not appear to be hostile . That could change if my boxers were found in the house . I walked back to the edge of the orchard and looked across the grass . Not much light but they did not seem to be there . That left the house . I went back to the car and finished dressing . I was ready to go but took one more look at the house . The bedroom was dark . I was about to get in the car and leave when I saw a red light appear at the window and then go out ; a few seconds later it appeared again . I had seen that many times in Afghanistan . Jerry was standing by the window , smoking a cigarette . I knew he could not see me but that did not make me feel any better . Thank god I had switched cars . With my lights off I made my way through the orchard and finally was approaching the main highway . I was about to turn on my lights and pull out on the road when a car passed by headed away from town ; Greg Townsend , the town hotshot . He was a senior jock , good looking and full of himself . Going that direction , and I could tell there was someone else in the car with him , he had to be headed to the lake . I was trying to tell myself to just let him go . My problem was that over the last couple of months I had a couple of parents of thirteen - fourteen year old girls complaining that Greg was a bit too forceful with them . I could not tell who was in the car with him but I should check . By the time I pulled out on the road Greg was a few turns ahead of me . I couldn 't see his taillights so I just headed to the lake . If he wasn 't there I would head back to town in and go to bed . As I approached the turnoff I turned off my lights . The car would be quiet enough not to be a problem . I turned in and there was Greg 's car . I parked a distance away and looked at his car for a minute . Now where would I find them ? I couldn 't see any heads in the car but that did not mean they were not inside . I grabbed my flashlight , got out of the car and began walking towards Greg 's car . As I got closer I could hear some sounds of activity in the back seat . With another couple of steps I could see a young girl , completely nude , lying against a pillow wedged against the far door . Greg , at least I assumed it was Greg ; I could not see his face , just his bare back and butt , had his head buried between the girl 's legs . I started to raise my hand to rap the flashlight on the side of the car when the girl looked up at me . It was Cindy Jennings , Dan 's daughter . She had to be what , fourteen , maybe fifteen ? Greg had some balls . Cindy had four older brothers . They would beat the crap out of anyone fooling with their sister , assuming Dan didn 't kill him first . Just as I was about to tap on the car Cindy put a hand with one finger raised to stop me . She held it there , put the other hand on Greg 's head , keeping it right where she wanted it and then closed her eyes . I froze and just watched . Greg moved his hands up to Cindy 's breasts , squeezing them , rubbing her nipples . I had to admit ; even if she was just fourteen or fifteen , she had nice breasts . After a few minutes her breathing started getting faster . She lowered her hand and now had both hands on Greg 's head . She thrust her hips up at his face a couple of times and then let out a long high - pitched cry . As she relaxed back on the seat Greg began moving up on her . He grabbed her by the hips and pulled her down so she was lying flat on the back seat . " Now it 's my turn " . Cindy said , " Wait " . Greg did not even slow down . He had climbed up on her and was trying to get his dick in her . Cindy tapped him on the side of the head , " Look out the window " . Greg , focused on trying to line - up his cock with her pussy said , " Who ever it is tell them to fuck off " . Cindy looked up at me with that ' Well , aren 't you going to do something ' look . I guess that 's my cue . I took one more step and rapped the side of the car several times with the flashlight . Greg did not even flinch , " Get the fuck out of here . Can 't you see we are busy " ? Greg was up like a shot , hitting his head on the top of the car . Behind him I could see Cindy , laughing quietly at him . I motioned with my flashlight , " Okay kids , out of the car " . Greg climbed out followed by Cindy . They stood beside the car still nude . Neither of them made a move for their clothes in the front seat though Greg was making an effort to cover his erection with his hands . I was trying desperately to look at Greg and not stare at Cindy ; fourteen , fifteen , whatever she was , she was just drop - dead gorgeous . I was not about to be the first to suggest they get dressed . Greg had been looking at the ground in front of him . Now his head shot up . " I didn 't know she was under eighteen . You won 't tell them will you ? I promise I 'll never do it again . I 'll take her home right now " . " Greg , you thinking she is eighteen is so stupid I won 't even go into it . You must have thought she was the oldest freshman on campus . You don 't need to take her home . I 'll take care of it " . I motioned to his car , " Now get out of here " . Those were the magic words . Before anyone could stop him he turned , jumped in the car and was peeling out . It was just a moment before Cindy started running after the car yelling , " Greg , you asshole ! Stop " ! She ran a few more steps but by now he was just a set of taillights in the distance . When she turned around and looked at me I could see she was pissed . I would be too if he just drove off with my clothes . She began walking back towards me with her hands on her hips . I was trying very hard to look in her eyes and not at her breasts , or lower . Her breasts were jiggling slightly , up and down , as she walked back to me . Thank god for peripheral vision . From the good look I had earlier , they were perfect . I had to remind myself she was just fifteen . I was not sure , and could not take another took to be certain , but it seemed like she had trimmed her pubic hair to a very small patch just above her pussy . " You asshole ! You let him go with my clothes " . Oh great . She isn 't pissed at him . She 's pissed at me . Her right hand moved up to slap me . I grabbed her right wrist and then her left as it began to rise . Holding her arms apart only made her look more desirable with her breasts sticking out at me . She squirmed around , trying to free her hands . Finally in frustration she butted me with her chest . That only succeeded in starting a rise in me . I was looking at her chest , noticing how erect her nipples were , how large and pink they were , trying to get a peak farther down to check on her hair , or rather , the lack of it when I noticed she had stopped squirming . When I looked up I saw her watching me with a little smile on her face . " Look , I did not tell him to leave with your clothes " . " Are you going to let go of me ? Or are you just going to stand there staring at me " ? I let go of her hands . She did not seem the slightest bit embarrassed and she made no move to cover herself . I pointed behind me at my car , " Come with me " . I turned and walked towards my car without looking back to see if she followed . When I got there I opened the trunk and rummaging through some supplies I kept there . " What were you thinking , being out here with Greg ? Don 't you know his reputation " ? I found the blanket I was looking for , turned and held it out to her . She gave me one of those ' Just how stupid are you ' looks , " Did it look like I was in any trouble ? I think I was doing fine " . She looked at the blanket like it might bite her . " That 's all you have " ? " I 'm afraid I don 't carry wardrobes for teenagers around in my car " . When she did not take the blanket from me I unfolded it and hung it around her shoulders . She let it hang loosely . Her breasts were still plainly visible and yes , her pubic hair was trimmed . I opened my door and motioned for her to go around to the other side , " Well come on , get it . I 'll take you home " . She wrapped the blanket a bit tighter around her and walked around the car and got in . We rode in silence until just before we reached the road that would take us to her home . " You can 't take me home like this . I need some clothes . Take me to Sara 's house . She lives over on Fourth " . She was right ; I would probably end up as the fall guy . " I know where some clothes are that you can use " . I passed the road to her home and continued on into town . Cindy closed her eyes and laid her head back against the headrest as we drove . As she did this she let her hands relax to her side the blanket parted open clear down below her belly button . Her breasts were once again peeking out . I felt myself getting hard again . I looked up and corrected my steering before I drifted off the road . It was almost midnight . We did not pass anyone on the road as we took a back way to the Sheriff 's Substation . I pulled around the back so no one would see Cindy when I took her inside . When we got to the back door Cindy was at my side as I keyed in my code so we could get in . We went through a second door that put us in with the cells . Cindy looked through the bars , at the small spaces inside , " Maybe this would be a good place for Greg " . She pointed at one cot with some clothes folded on it . " Are you missing someone " ? I motioned for her to follow me , " Those are mine . Sometimes when I 'm working late I crash here " . I walked through the door into the main office and went over to a wall covered by cabinets . Cindy looked around the room , " Do you have any coffee ? Never mind I found it " . She dropped the blanket on the floor beside me and walked across the room to the coffee maker . I was finding it very difficult to concentrate on clothes for her , " Hey , the curtains are open . People can see in here . I want to keep my job " . I forced myself to look away and open a cabinet . I pulled out a couple of pairs of pants and shirts and set them on the counter . Cindy poured herself a cup of coffee and walked back over beside me . " I 'm sure you have seen a naked girl before " . " Yes , a couple of months ago " . Cindy sat her cup down on the counter and picked up one of the shirts . " These are pretty lame " . " That 's all I have . Take it or leave , " I had to stop there , she might leave it . Nudity certainly did not embarrass her . " Just put one of them on " . Cindy took one of the shirts and then reached for a pair of the pants . When she lifted the pants up a leg fell down to the counter and knocked her cup of coffee off the side . I reached for it but I was way too late . The entire cup 's contents spilled onto my thigh . Christ that 's hot . Cindy dropped the clothes on the counter , " I 'm sorry . I didn 't mean to " . She grabbed one of the shirts and began dabbing at my pants , sometimes on my thigh but most of the time right on my dick . I was dancing around , my leg burning from the hot liquid soaking my pants . " You have to get those off right away so the burn won 't be so bad " . She began tugging at my belt . I was trying to push her back from me . My back was to the counter so it was difficult to get away . She brushed my hand off her shoulder , " Oh please , I have four brothers at home . You don 't have anything I haven 't seen before " . I was torn ; here was a completely naked girl trying to get my pants off . Yes I know , she 's just fifteen but that same naked girl had given me a hard - on some time ago . I was going to be imitating a tent pole in my boxers if she got my pants off . I wanted to do the right thing . Just as I reached down again to try and push her away a light flashed in the window . I looked up to see a pickup stop in front of the station and Dan Jennings , Cindy 's father , got out . I froze . Unfortunately that gave Cindy all the time and approval she needed to unzip my pants and pull them down to my ankles . I heard a snort from her followed by " My , my . I guess you have taken a few peeks at me ; and like what you see " . I looked down , oh fuck , my boxers ; I had forgotten I was not wearing any . My now fully erect cock was pointing straight out at her , the dark purple head swollen and glistening with lubricant . Cindy gave a little laugh and slapped my cock lightly so that it swayed back and forth . " I think he likes me . Can I take him home " ? I looked back up . Dan had closed the door and was now coming around the front of his pickup . He would be here in just seconds . There was no way to explain this : Maybe the spilled coffee would explain my pants down , the boyfriend speeding off with Cindy 's clothes might explain her nudity . But only one thing explained my erection . I grabbed her with both hands , " You dad is outside . He is going to be in here in just a few seconds . We both looked around . There was no time for clothes and it was too late to escape out the door to the cells . Cindy moved over to my desk , ducked down and got in the well . It was a huge desk . The sides went all the way to the floor so unless Dan walked around to the back he would never see her . I was still trying to figure out what to do with myself when I looked up to see Dan was just a couple of steps from opening the door . With my pants around my ankles , I shuffled the few steps to my chair , sat down and pulled myself to the desk just as the front door pushed open . My legs would not fit in normally with Cindy there . I tried to jam myself in but just succeeded in hitting the head of my cock on the edge of the desk . I looked up ; Dan had closed the door and was walking towards me . Just when I decided this was going to be a disaster I felt Cindy push my knees apart and tug on my legs . With my knees apart I could fit in around her . I could feel her shoulders against the inside of my thighs . This did absolutely nothing to relieve my hard - on . " Deputy " , Dan was now standing in front of the desk , " I cannot find my daughter " . Trying to stay calm enough to talk was hard . Cindy 's hands were on the inside of my thighs and slowly sliding their way up , " Where is she supposed to be " ? I wanted to reach down and move her hands but that was going to look awfully odd to Dan . " She said she was going to stay overnight with a friend of hers , Becky . They were supposed to be working on some project " . Dan began slowly pacing back and forth in front of my desk . I was about to ask a question but held back when he started talking again . I completely missed what he said because just at that moment Cindy wrapped both hands around my fully erect cock and pulled it down towards her . I could feel her trying to move forward between my thighs but there just wasn 't enough room . Her left hand released its hold and I could feel it move up the outside of my thigh . " Tom ? Are you listening to me " ? I looked up to see that Dan had stopped in front of the desk and was looking down at me . " I 'm sorry Dan ; I guess my mind was wandering , thinking about where Cindy might be " . As soon as the words were out of my mouth Cindy squeezed my cock hard with her right hand . I guess she wanted me to know where she was . " What was it you were saying " ? Before he could say anything , ' Whoosh ' , my chair dropped about six inches . As her hand moved back to grip my cock I realized she had been reaching for the height control of the chair . Dan looked down at me with a question on his face . Before he could say anything I said , " I need a new chair . This old thing is worthless " . Looking back up to him with my desk now around chest level I felt like a second grader . " You were saying about Cindy " ? After a moment 's hesitation Dan said , " I was saying I wanted to check on Cindy . That no - good Townsend kid has been hanging around trying to take her out . I 've told Cindy to stay away from him , she is too young and he is too old for her but you know teenagers . Plus I don 't like what I 've heard about him lately with some younger girls " . At that point I almost lost it . I felt the head of my cock encircled by what could only be Cindy 's mouth . It was warm in the office but it was burning up under my desk . She slowly took more of me into her mouth . I wanted to just slump down in the chair , close my eyes and let me self go but then I noticed Dan was still talking , “… called Becky 's house but she wasn 't there . Becky said they had talked about getting together tonight but Cindy never showed . Becky thought Cindy might have had a date instead " . " Well Tom , you are the cop . Do you have any suggestions " ? I was quickly brought back to my dilemma . I 've got a fifteen year - old naked girl 's mouth attached to my cock . Her father is standing in front of me looking for her . The only suggestion I could think of was for Dan to leave so I could pump as much sperm as I could into his daughter 's mouth . God she was good at this . I was straining to lift my hips up without Dan noticing . " Well Dan , I chased some kids away from the parking spots out by the lake a couple of hours ago . It has been a while . If she is with him , there is a chance they may have gone out there . Since that is kind of out towards your place why don 't you go out there and check . I 'll do a quick run around town and then check a couple of spots out on the county road that the kids stop at sometimes . Dan started to turn for the door , " Okay but call me if you find her " . He opened the door to go out and then looked back at me still sitting at my desk . " Aren 't you coming " ? I waved for him to go ahead , " I 've got one last thing to do . It won 't take long . I 'll be cumming in a minute " . I tried to push back from the desk . Cindy had the base of my cock gripped in one hand and the rest of it firmly stuck in her mouth . As I pushed back , inch - by - inch , her head slowly came into view . I watched her head begin bobbing up and down faster . " Cindy ! Are you trying to get me killed " ? Her mouth opened up just a bit around me and I heard what had to be a giggle . " It isn 't funny . Your dad would have killed me if he found us . And if he didn 't I would have ended up in jail " . Cindy pulled her head back so that I was no longer in her mouth . She looked up at me with a smile ; the head of my cock less than an inch from her lips . " Do you want me to stop " ? Do I ? No , I don 't . But then she is just fifteen . I don 't want to spend the rest of my life in jail . " Yes I do " . I watched her for a few seconds and then her tongue flicked out and licked the head of my cock . " Stop , you can 't do that " . Cindy ran her tongue slowly around the head then stopped and said , " Oh , a challenge . I love a challenge " . While I watched her , my hands stayed on the chair armrests , never moving : making no effort to stop her , Cindy once again began licking the head of my cock . When I did not do anything she took me back into her mouth and began moving her head up and down on me again . I finally gave in , closing my eyes and sliding down lower in the chair . Cindy began teasing me by pulling her head back until I would almost fall out of her mouth . Each time she pulled back I lifted my hips to stay in her mouth . I felt a hand pull one of mine from the armrest down towards my knee , eventually to her breast . I moved my other hand on my own to her other breast , lightly squeezing them , rubbing my fingers around her nipples . I worked my hands down to her stomach and then back to her breasts . Then that familiar tingling spread over my body . It was building in my balls . It felt like my cock was expanding , getting harder . I was just seconds away from cumming . I needed to warn her . She might not like my cumming in her mouth . " Cindy , I 'm going to cum " . She began pumping the base of my cock faster with one hand while her mouth started moving around in a kind of circular motion on the head . I finally could not take it any more and exploded in her mouth . She made one small choking sound as the first stream of sperm caught her by surprise , hitting the back of her throat . Her tongue began sliding around the head of my cock as I continued ejaculating , streams of cum quickly filling her mouth . With each squirt my hips lifted up until finally I was finished and collapsed back in the chair . Cindy continued to lick the head very slowly . With my now wilting condition , she was able to take my entire cock in her mouth with no trouble . With my cock still in her mouth she tilted her head up so that she could see my face . If this had not been the second time I had cum in the last couple of hours , her cute face looking up at me with my cock buried in her mouth , would have produced another instant hard on for me . . Cindy slowly pulled her head back , watching me the entire time , until just the head was still in her mouth . Then she took me in her hand , gave the head a couple of final licks , and let me go . " You can let go now " . I was not quite sure what to say . I obviously enjoyed it but she was just fifteen . There were serious consequences for me . I stammered a couple of times trying think of what to say . I finally I got out , " Why did you do that ? You knew your father was right there . You could have gotten me killed " . She smiled , " Oh don 't be so serious . You were much more fun under the desk . I don 't think daddy would be that mad . Besides I owed someone a blowjob and I preferred you to Greg because you won 't be blabbing to all your friends tomorrow ; and you 're cuter " . She looked down , " And bigger , though not right now " . She hopped up and walked over to the clothes we had been looking at before and began dressing . " We need to get going before daddy comes back " . I stood up and pulled my pants up . By then she was dressed and walked back up to me . " You don 't think my nipples stick out too much in this shirt do you " ? Before I could say anything she had taken my hand and put it up against her breast . I jerked it back but not as quick as I could have . " Now stop that " . I needed to get her home before someone got killed , namely me . And then I needed a very cold shower . In my car Cindy came up with a simple plan . I drove out to the old county road and then called him on his cell . I told him I had found Cindy walking towards town and was taking her home . Cindy would later tell her dad that the boy she was with had given her the ' put out or walk home ' line and she walked . We both agreed that it could not be Greg . Dan deciding to talk to Greg would only have negative consequences for me . On the way to her house Cindy kept putting her hand on my thigh and then slowly letting her hand slide into my crotch . It felt nice but I knew it had to stop . After moving her hand away a half dozen times I finally said , " I 've told you , you have to stop that . You are going to get me in serious trouble . I should never have let you " , and here I had a bit of trouble getting it out , " You know , what we were doing " . Cindy interrupted me , " You didn 't like your blowjob . I guess you came in my mouth just so I wouldn 't feel bad " . " No , that 's not what I mean at all " . How could I say this right , " You are beautiful . You do give a really nice , uh , you know , uh " . I was sounding like a twelve year - old . " Yes , it was nice . I 'm just trying to say it cannot happen again . You cannot tell anyone it did happen " . I was keeping my eyes on the road and I could tell that Cindy was staring straight ahead also . " You sure think a lot of yourself . Who said it was going to happen again " . Cindy crossed her arms below her breasts and did not say another word the rest of the way to her house . When we arrived I stopped the car and started to get out to walk her to the front door . Cindy quickly got out and then looked back at me . " Don 't bother . I know my way " . But before she closed the door she smiled again . " I did have a good time tonight . I hope you did too . Let 's consider that our first date " . Before I could say anything she closed the car door and ran up to the front door . I decided it would be best to hurry out before Dan showed up and started asking questions where my answers might not match Cindy 's . On the way back I could not help comparing Cindy with Linda . Linda really knew what she was doing in bed ; oral sex was great and she was really nice looking , but I could not help wondering how Cindy would compare in bed . I 'm going to get hard now every time I get near a desk . Once I got home everything kept running through my mind ; what could I have done to stop it ? Could I ? Would I if I could have ? It took a couple of hours before I finally drifted off . The next couple of weeks passed quickly . Linda called to say we had better cool it . Jerry was sticking around the house . He was only making day trips , keeping an eye on her . He obviously suspected something . I saw Cindy a couple of times from a distance with friends . One time she saw me and gave me a little wave . I nodded back but tried to keep a distance and not encourage anything further . When I woke up on the 4th and went outside I knew it was going to be a hot one . Even at nine in the morning the sun was already beating down . People were lining Main Street waiting for the July 4th parade to start . I went across to the diner , grabbed a donut and coffee and joined Henry at the curb to watch . When the action finally started Henry and I stood up to get a better view . An Army Honor Guard leading the parade was coming into view a couple of blocks down . It was followed by a grammar school band . There were also some small floats by town businesses and a number of children 's groups ; some dressed in costumes , some just leading their pets , glad to be part of the parade . A larger float , all decorated with paper flowers , carrying the county fair queen and her princesses all aboard , waving at everyone . They were a mix of girls from the various high schools in the county . I was just starting to look away and almost missed her . Cindy was one of the princesses . She looked fantastic all dressed up . Well , to tell the truth , she actually looked better all undressed . Henry chuckled , " Just be sure you don 't help yourself into a tight spot . Her dad is pretty protective of her . He has been mom and dad to her since her mom died " . " I didn 't know . When did that happen " ? By now the float had passed on and the local high school band was marching by playing something familiar for some old musical . " That 's tough " . I was about to add more when it hit me . I looked back up the parade route and yes , that 's it . " Henry , I 've got to go and check something . I 'll catch you later " . I walked down the sidewalk a block , waited for a car carrying the mayor and his wife in the parade to pass and then crossed the street . Jim Blocker , one of my schoolmates , and now the president of the local bank , was standing in front of his bank watching the parade . We had known each other since we were two or three . I played guard next to him at tackle for our four years in high school . We were inside for just fifteen minutes , just enough time to further , if not confirm , my suspicions . On my way out I said , " Thanks Jim . I owe you " . After he nodded I waved goodbye and walked quickly back to the office . I checked a couple details , made a couple of call , and then left out the back door . I don 't think I had enough for a search warrant but so many things added up . I thought I might be able to just bluff my way through . I got in the squad car and began driving towards my house . A few doors away I pulled to the side of the road and parked . There in the yard across the street was Paula . She was on her hands and knees in a t - shirt and shorts , hair pinned up on her head , working in a flowerbed at the base of the porch . She looked every bit as good there in the dirt as she had the other day on the sidewalk . I pulled my service revolver out and prepared it the way I wanted it . I got out of the car and began walking towards her . She hadn 't noticed the car pull up and continued her ministrations . I got right up to her and it was not until my shadow fell in front of her that she became aware that she was not alone . She looked up at me behind her , " Tom ! You surprised me " . She raised up and turned to me but stayed on her knees . " It has been years . How are you doing " ? The sun was behind me and it was making her squint to see me . " I 've been fine . I heard about your Dad and your husband . I 'm sorry for your losses " . I took her hand and helped her to her feet . She looked at me , holding my eyes with hers , " I always told Daddy that those cigarettes would kill him some day " . Then a smile broke out on her face , " But that 's history . What brings you here " ? I waited several seconds and then raised one hand up to my shoulder . She looked at it blankly . I slowly began rotating my wrist back and forth : the princess wave . It just took a few seconds for the recognition to show on her face before she broke out in a smile . " That was stupid of me wasn 't it ? I shouldn 't have tried to be cute " . " You made big deposits in your account after every bank robbery ; in fact almost the exact amounts of each robbery . That was not smart . That is enough for a warrant to search your home " . " I see . I guess we will have to go in and straighten this out " . She raised her muddy hands , " Can I at least go in and clean up " . Before we started in I informed her of her rights and then pointed at the house and said I would follow . We walked up and into the house . She started up the stairs and I followed . " I 'm just going to clean up . I 'll be right down " . " If you want to clean up I 'm going to have to stick with you " . I followed her inside and then up the stairs to her bedroom . As she crossed the room towards the bathroom she pulled the t - shirt she was wearing over her head and dropped it on the floor followed by her shorts . Turning to me in bra and panties she pointed to the bathroom , " Do you need to follow me in there also " ? She went in and pushed the door partially closed . From where I was standing I could see her in a mirror as she went up to the sink . She took off her bra and panties and tossed them in a wicker hamper . She looked fantastic , nice full breasts , not huge but definitely very nice . There was no sag or droop to them . She had certainly developed very well in the last ten years or so since I last saw her . I continued watching as she washed her hands and arms . As she dried her hands her breasts swayed back and forth . I was mesmerized . I 'm not sure when she stopped moving . I finally realized she was just standing there holding the towel . I looked up and saw her watching me in the mirror with a smile growing on her face . " You know , I remember that time in your tree house . I tried a number of times to see you there again but I think you were avoiding me . Does Mrs . Henderson still live there " ? She pulled the door open and walked up to me ; still naked . Once again I noticed her height . She was just an inch or so shorter than I . She came up really close to me , her nipples almost touching my shirt . I put my hand on the grip of my weapon in case she made a move for it but the only movement I could feel right now was in my pants . I was definitely getting an erection . " You really disappointed me back then . You squirt your cum all over me and then disappear " . She reached out to my shirt and began unbuttoning the top button . " Maybe there is something we can work out now " . She continued with the buttons down my shirt . " Maybe you should begin your interrogation . Drill me here so to speak " . She pulled my shirt off me and dropped it behind me on the floor . I couldn 't believe I wasn 't resisting . When she started to unbuckle my utility belt I reached for her hands and stopped her . She looked up to my face and neither of us said a word . After a moment I made my decision . I unbuckled my belt , turned and walked to a dresser behind me and put the belt and holster on it and then returned to her . She ran her hands over my bare chest . I thought it was only polite to do the same . I put my hands on her bare hips and then slowly moved them up her waist , over her ribs and then up to her breasts . She tilted her head back and let out a low groan . " Now that is what I wanted you to do back then . Better late than never I guess " . As I continued fondling her breasts she leaned forward and kissed me lightly . Her hands were fumbling at my belt and then lowering my zipper . My pants fell to my ankles : I kicked my shoes away and then my pants as her tongue began exploring my mouth . Her hands dropped to my butt and pulled me against her , my now completely erect cock , first butting into her and then sliding up her stomach between us . She tugged at me trying to turn us around but I resisted ; that would put her closer to my weapon than me . She moved her mouth away from mine and whispered in my ear , " The bed " . I started to walk forward , pushing her back . She pushed back at me , " No , I want to be on top " . I let her turn me around and I began shuffling slowly backwards , pulling her with me . When the back of my knees hit the bed I wrapped my arms around her and let myself fall backwards onto the bed pulling her down on top of me . We moved into the middle of the bed , her scrambling to stay on top of me . She rose up on her knees and reached down between her legs and grabbed my cock , pointing it up at her I reached up to take both her breasts in my hands , giving them a gentle squeeze . She sucked in her breath , " Harder " . " No ; your hands . Your cock is perfect the way it is " . She had the head of my cock positioned right against her pussy and was using her hand to move me in small circles around , barely in , and then out of her . I squeezed her breasts harder and she arched her back and groaned . I moved my hands down to her stomach and then back up to her breasts , squeezing hard again . My hips lifted trying to get me farther inside of her . She put a hand on my stomach , pushing down , " Not yet . I 'll let you know when " . Her hand began rubbing the head of my cock faster against her clitoris . She finally relaxed her knees and sagged down , impaling herself on me . With her body flush against mine she began rocking back and forward ; first real slow and then gradually faster and faster , grinding against me . We went on like this for several minutes when she suddenly stiffened , scrunched up her face as though she was in pain . I could feel her pussy spasming around my cock , like a fist squeezing a tennis ball . " Harder " she hissed . " Yes , that 's it " . She jerked her body several more times against me , pushed my hands away from her and then fell forward to collapse on my chest . Over the next few minutes I waited for her breathing to return to normal while very gently stroking into her ; little strokes , pulling back just an inch and then pushing back deeper into her with my hands on her butt holding it tight against me . Once she seemed recovered I whispered , " My turn " . I wrapped my arms around her to hold her tight and rolled over until I was on top of her . The turn had pulled me out of her . As I lifted my hips she pulled her knees up and then spread her legs wide . I had planned on plunging right back into her but I stopped and raised up on my hands and knees , lifting my body off of her . I looked down at her lying there below me . I bent my head to her right breast and sucked her nipple in my mouth , running my tongue around it for a few seconds . She turned , pulling that nipple from my mouth , presenting the other breast to me . I flicked it with my tongue a few times , teasing her before sucking that one in my mouth . I finally pulled my face away from her chest and slowly lowered my body onto hers . She moved her mouth to my ear , " Fuck me " . I moved my hips forward , my cock finding her pussy . " Fuck me " she cried , more insistently . I stopped my self from entering her : just holding my cock against the lips of her pussy . I could feel her hips trying to push down against me , trying to get me inside of her . " Please " . I lowered my weight on her , pushing her deeper in the bed , still holding myself outside of her for a moment longer before finally pushing into her in one long stroke . I held it there , completely immersed in her , enjoying the feeling ; the heat of her pussy , the grip of it around my cock . I pulled back and slammed hard back into her , feeling her head bounce up on the bed . She grabbed by butt with both hands , pulling me into her with each stroke . Her mouth still at my ear , no longer whispering , cried " Faster " . I was more than willing to comply . I began moving faster , in and out , in and out . " Harder " . I moved my hands under her butt for a better grip , to keep her tight against me , dug my toes into the bed for traction , as our hips bucked against each other . I could hear little gasps coming from her . I wasn 't sure if it was from the pounding she was getting or if she was close to another orgasm . I slowed to long steady strokes ; I was close and wanted to enjoy the sensation and have it last just a bit longer . She pulled at my butt trying to get me to go faster , " Don 't slow down , faster " . I could feel the tingling begin . I was just seconds away . I pulled out quickly and began moving up her body . She cried , " What are you doing " ? I moved up so that her arms were now pinned beneath my legs . I was almost sitting on her chest with the swollen purple head of my cock right at her lips . I grabbed the shaft with one hand and pushed the head against her lips and moved the other hand to the back of her head . She let out a long " Noooo " . When her lips parted with the long " oooo " I lifted her head and pushed the head of my cock past her lips and into her mouth . Her tongue tried to push my cock back out but the feel of her tongue rubbing against the head of my cock just succeeded in exciting me further . She tried to move her head to the side to get me out but I let go of the shaft and held her head in both of my hands to hold her still . Her tongue was moving around , pushing at me . I felt her teeth begin to close down on me and I warned her , " No teeth " . I was so close to begin with that all it took now was just the minimal movement of her tongue and the heat of her mouth and I exploded . Her tongue pushed against the end of the head , trying , I think , to stop the streams of sperm flooding her mouth . As I started cumming I had closed my eyes . When I opened them now I could see she was furious but I was not quite finished . " Swallow " , I commanded . She just stared back at me . " Come on ; swallow so I can pull him out . We don 't want a mess do we " ? I watched as she finally swallowed but the anger never left her face , " And how about a few licks to clean me up " . She complied without saying anything and I pulled out of her mouth . I rolled off her and lay beside her on the bed . She lay still beside me . I could hear her breathing hard from her anger but she remained silent . After a minute she sat up and said , " I 'll be right back . I have to clean up " . She rolled off the bed , but instead of going to the bathroom she made a dash for the dresser across the room while I remained on the bed . She grabbed my holster , unbuttoned the snap restraining my weapon , and turned and pointed it at me pulling back the hammer . She almost shouted , " The last two men who did that to me are dead " . I watched her closely . She was close to a breaking point . " Paula , you are a smart person . You don 't want to do this . Just put the revolver down and we can talk about this " . She leaned back against the dresser , " You remember I lived alone with my daddy " ? When I nodded she continued , " Daddy started coming into my bedroom at night when I was nine . Our special time , he called it " . She pointed the weapon at me like it was a pen , like she was making a point . " At first he wanted to explain the ' birds and bees ' to me : Like we did not learn that stuff at school . He asked if I had seen a penis . When I said no , not a real one , he pulled his pajamas down so I could see his . He said this was just for education . Then he asked if I wanted touch it . He had me hold it for a while and it got big and hard . That surprised me . I mean the books say it happens but it was happening in my hand . Then he stopped and left my bedroom . I thought it was over . It was just him teaching me something . A few days later he came back in and this time he had me jerk him off . I did not know what that was at the time : I was just nine " . " It made a big mess in my bed . I had to sleep with those wet spots all night . The next night , when Daddy came close to making his mess he moved up and put his penis in my mouth and squirted his sperm in me . I was nine . I thought I was going to get pregnant from that . After that it was almost every night . I hated that " . She began to pace back and forth slowly in front of the dresser . " On my twelfth birthday I had a special surprise . That night Daddy came in , and instead of my giving him a blowjob , he fucked me " . She looked up at me , waiting for a response . " I said I liked it . It felt good . I don 't know if you remember . I was taller than all the guys and smarter than them . I was skinny and flat . I didn 't have any dates for a long time . So , I hated it when Daddy came in my mouth but I liked the sex . Sometime around my thirteenth birthday Daddy moved me into his bedroom . I can still remember his cumming in me in the morning and then my going to school , his sperm slowly leaking out of me all day . It made dressing for gym a little awkward but I felt special " . I did not know what to say . I just wanted to keep her talking . " That 's why you knew so much about sex in the tree house " . " Yes , I always liked you . I thought it would be a good way to get closer to you . But I was just a kid to you . You avoided me after that . I think Daddy caught on though . He did not like it when I talked about other boys and I talked about you a lot . In high school , when I had a date , daddy would take me in the bedroom just before they got there to pick me up and fuck me before letting me go out . I think he was marking his territory " . " Then I came back from college and told him about this boy I met . Someone I really liked . That night he wanted me to give him a blowjob ; to cum in my mouth . I told him no . He ignored me and did it anyway . It 's too bad about his smoking . I told him it would be the death of him " . " My husband ; he disappointed me . In college he had all these dreams about going to a town like ours , ministering to people . It sounded worthwhile . I gave up a lot to be with him . Then we go on a mission to South America . We are there just one week and he changes his mind and says he has received his calling and it is to stay there , and me with him , to work with the people there . Like my Dad , he also liked oral sex . The night he told me we were going to stay there he forced me to give him oral sex after I told him no . He said it was my role not to object ; to do as he , the husband , commanded . He was unfortunate I was a good student in my botany classes . His heart attack was most unexpected . I thought it was best that he be buried there with the people he wanted to serve . His parents understood when I explained how much they meant to him . I also learned from my Daddy . I made sure my husband had a good insurance policy when we got married " . She had let the revolver drop down to her side earlier , now she raised it back to point at me again . " Now we need to do something about you . I suppose it 's too late for you to get some insurance . The town is going to be so disappointed to hear that you have become a rapist . I put it down to your experiences in the service . You never got over your trauma of getting injured " . She motioned with the weapon for me to stand up . " When you tried to rape me a second time I was able to get away , get your gun , and unfortunately I had kill you " . " The DNA you " , she stopped . I watched the realization spread across her face , " That 's why you came in my mouth . You planned this all along " . The anger she had earlier return , " You bastard " . She pointed the weapon at me with both hands and pulled the trigger . It fell on an empty chamber with a loud click . I had been right earlier to unload the revolver . She pulled the hammer back and tried again with the same result . She turned the revolver around and saw the empty cylinder . She looked up at me with a pleading in her eyes . You and I can have had a good time together . We would be good for each other . I have a lot of money . We could live really well " . I explained about seeing the queen 's float in this morning 's parade . I cocked my hand to the side and then rotated it back and forth , the queen 's wave . " That started it . Then add her acting experience : Her role in Two Gentlemen from Verona , her banking records ' . " Two guys from Verona " ? " It 's a play by Shakespeare . One of the female leads dresses up and pretends to be a man . Paula played that role in a play in high school " . The Sheriff shook his head and stood up , " Well let 's get some dinner , my treat . You deserve it . In one day you caught a bank robber and probably solved a couple of homicides we didn 't even know we had " . We started for the door , " Besides , tomorrow you 'll be up all night watching for that cattle thief again " . Read 219759 times | |
As I was driving the other day , I took some time to look at the trees with little or no leaves left on them and the grass turning brown and thought about the changing season . I wondered what the point of it was . Why do we have this cycle of seasons ? As I thought about it I also thought about the cycle of a single day . As the sun goes down here in Wisconsin , it is rising on the other side of the world and when the day comes to an end there it will start new here . I just found it amazing that in this world God created , there is always a new day . As dark as the night will get , a new day will begin at dawn . It is the same with the seasons . Things may be looking barren now , but we know that in the spring there will be a new season where things will get warmer and buds will pop from the trees , flowers will blossom and new life from an old plant will begin . In thinking of all of this , I also thought about the story of the sacrifice of Jesus and realized that it is the same story . 1 John 1 : 15 tells us that " God is light ; in him there is no darkness at all . " Jesus is our new day . And in Ephisians 2 : 1 we are told that " As for you , you were dead in your transgressions and sins . . . " and then in 2 : 4 - 5 " But because of his great love for us , God , who is rich in mercy , made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions - - it is by grace you have been saved . " Jesus is also our new season . How important is it to God that we hear the story of what His Son has done for us ? Obviously so important that he used the world we live in to tell us that story every day of our lives . Every day you wake up , you wake up to the story of Jesus . No matter what happened yesterday , a new day is available today . No matter how barren your life has been , there is a new season available . Light in the darkness , life out of death . Take a minute and step outside and watch God speak to you , " This is my Son , whom I have chosen ; listen to him . " Luke 9 : 35 Today my son and I mowed the back field at our church for probably the last time of this season . As we mowed , I remembered back to when I first started cutting the grass at Oakhaven Church some years ago . I started out cutting the front yard and I remember never being able to cut it without my son insisting on coming with me . He would sit on my lap while I cut and loved the part when we would go down the hills . The older ( and bigger ) my son got , the more difficult it was to have him sit on my lap while I mowed , but he rufused to let me go alone . All the while I mowed , I would dream of the day that he would be able to cut the grass along side of me . A couple of years ago , I talked with the person who organized the mowing crew and we determined that my son was finally ready to handle a mower of his own . That year , I switched to cutting the back field around the trees on one mower with my son cutting the field on the other . The funny thing is that most times I have to continually bug my son to get him to cut the grass at home , but if I mention cutting the grass at church , he 's in the van before I am . My son likes to call it " Pa time " . Just me and my boy . We turn the radio off in the van and talk all the way to church . When we get there we fire up our mowers and get to work . We aren 't able to talk for the next hour and a half but we give each other a nod or wave as we pass each other , just a couple of men and their machines . We are only able to talk to each other for about a half an hour in that two hours , but my son considers it all quality time , and so do I . As I rode my tractor today and watched him drive his , I pondered all these things . I used to dream of having my son cut the grass along side of me . Now I watch him and dream of him cutting the same field along side of his own son . I wonder if he dreams of it too . At the end of the day , there is so much more than just a couple of mowers parked in that little building in front of the church . Today I was sitting out in the woods watching a squirrel run around . The squirrel ran up a leafless tree and climbed about sixty feet in the air and jumped from the branch he was on to another branch about two and a half feet away . This wasn 't a " stop and think about it take my time kind of jump . " This was an immediate " I 'm here and need to be there " kind of jump . I began to wonder how it would be if that were me on that branch needing to make that same two and a half foot jump . I wondered how many times would I look down first and worry about the possibility of not being able to make the jump . And how many times would I think , " Well if I go back down to this branch and climb over to this branch and then back up maybe I can get there more easily and safely . " However , the down side to that is that whatever I needed or whatever needed me on the other branch may be gone by the time I get there . Finally I just came to the conclusion that , man , I wish I had the confidence of a squirrel . About this time last year I had the opportunity to go to Las Vegas . I always wanted to go to Las Vegas . I 'm not much into gambling , I just always wanted to see those lights . I always wondered if it was actually like what you see on TV . It 's a pretty amazing place . The hotels are incredible and the lights are just like you see on TV . I went to Vegas expecting to see some things that I wouldn 't agree with like the " Sin City " t - shirts or the other popular Vegas motto , " What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas " . I found things like this irritating but was able to write it off as just a gimmick . There were some things I found in Vegas that I didn 't expect though . While I was in the Treasure Island gift shop looking for something piratey for my son , I saw a man walk out of the casino , sit down on a small garbage can and put his head in his hands . I watched another guy lose300 dollars at a blackjack table and then get up and go to the ATM and come back and lose 300 more . I heard another person brag to his friends that he had maxed out his credit card . One of the most disturbing things I saw was found on every street corner of the strip . Each corner had about 3 - 4 individuals handing out baseball type cards to everyone that passed by . On these cards were pictures of nude women advertising " adult entertainment " . Most people ignored the offer for these cards and most that took them just looked at them and threw them on the ground leaving the streets literally littered with pornography . There was one thing though that I saw in Vegas that was by far the most disturbing image and changed my opinion of Las Vegas forever . It happened while walking through Caesar 's Palace . This is an incredible hotel / casino , it 's almost its own indoor city . But the thing that hit me like a brick was when I passed the restaurant in the hotel and noticed the name . It was called " Nero 's " . At that moment I imagined Jesus standing next to me and me pointing to the sign and saying , " That 's funny right . " It made me feel sick to my stomach . For those that Posted by This is a poem I heard many years ago that has recently come back to my mind . I don 't know who wrote it or what the title is or even if this is a complete version but I decided to write down what I remembered of it . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * I have only just a minuteOnly 60 seconds in itDidn 't chose itCan 't refuse itI must give account if I abuse itYes , it 's only just a minutebut eternity is in it . * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * We are faced with choices every day . Some big , some small , but they all define our character , our beliefs , our God and our future . Take a minute and think about it . Yesterday I was talking with a couple of friends about the " old days " and my friend Max told us a story that his grandfather often told him when he was a young boy . The story took place when Max 's grandfather was a young boy himself and in a time where there were no cars and most people walked everywhere . Max said his grandfather 's family lived about five miles from town and his grandfather told the story like this : One day his father told him to stop at the hardware store after school and pick up a part for his plow . After school , he walked to the hardware store and realized that his father had not given him any money . As he stepped in the store , he immediately saw a large sign that read : ABSOLUTELY NO CREDIT . As he was reading the sign , the man behind the counter asked , " Can I help you son ? " Max 's grandfather ( sorry . I can 't recall his name ) told the man his story about the needed part and that his dad forgot to give him money . He knew he would not have time to walk the five miles home and five miles back before the store closed . The man behind the counter asked him what his name was . He said , "____ Banaszynski . Then the man asked , " What 's your father 's name ? " . He told him , " John Banaszynski " . To which the man behind the counter replied , " That name is good here " and he gave him the part and told him he could pay for it the next day . He took the part home and told his father what happened and his father gave him the money for the part so he could pay for it right away the next day . This Tuesday I have a job interview with the company my oldest brother works for . It 's a job that I am not qualified for on paper but my brother feels I am fully capable of doing . My brother is one of the most hardworking and quality conscious people I know . Obviously the company he works for feels the same way because it is only by his name that I am given this opportunity . I know that without his name , my application would have gone straight to the garbage can . If after my interview I don 't get the job , I 'm O . K . with that . I just feelPosted by A month or so ago a friends son , Matt , informed our church that he would like to go on a mission trip to Pau Pau New Guinea to help and learn about translating the Bible into foreign languages as this was something he feels God is leading him to do after college . He gave a presentation and wrote a detailed letter about this mission asking us to help support him prayerfully and financially on his venture . The next week , a special collection was taken up for him and his mission , funds were placed in a wooden box in the back of the church that is used for occasions such as this . After service that day , my 9 year old daughter Emily was asking me questions about where Matt was going and what exactly he was going to be doing and why he wanted to do it . I explained as best I could and we went on with the rest of our day . The following Sunday at church , my daughter brought with her all the spending money she had , which amounted to 2 dollars and some change and put it in that wooden box for Matt . She told me about it later and I wasn 't sure what to do because the collection was over and Matt had gone back to college . I didn 't want to tell her that and make her feel like she was too late when she was trying to do such a good thing , so I decided to just let the money stay in the box for now . A couple weeks passed and Matt came back on a Wednesday before leaving on his mission trip to give us more detail about what he would be doing and ask us once again to pray for him . After he spoke to us , I took him to the wooden box and told him that a little girl had added to the collection and that it wasn 't much but it was all she had . I knew that 2 dollars wasn 't going to take him far physically , but my hope was that it would carry him emotionally and spiritually , to know that someone would give all to help him . It did touch him , and he asked me if I knew who it was . I told him it was my daughter , and he said he would have to thank her personally . I told him I didn 't think that was necessary , I just wanted to make sure he didn 't leaPosted by We serve an awesome God , we serve a God that does not need us . God doesn 't need you and He doesn 't need me . God was God before He created Adam and Eve and if He were to wipe out this world today , He would still be God . But we serve a God who loves us and desires us . Our existence is not in any way critical to His existence but for some reason God finds it critical for us not only to continue exist here but also with Him in eternity . Although He does not need us , He desires us , and He desires us in such a way that He would even sacrifice His only son Jesus Christ to have us with Him . When I think of the sacrifice of Jesus , I immediately think of the cross and Him giving Himself for my sins so that I can stand blameless before the Father . And although I believe that this is the pinnacle of His sacrifice , His sacrifice really started some 30 years earlier when He stepped down from His throne with the Father and into the skin of a man to come and live among us . Jesus chose to live among us , to show us in the physical the Father 's love and what His will was . Before Jesus suffered death for us , He suffered life for us and before Jesus conquered death , He conquered this life . Following is an excerpt from the book " Reliving the Passion " by Walter Wangerin Jr . that helped me to see this . It starts by reading Mark 15 : 16 - 20 . The words in red are the recorded words of our Lord while he lived on this earth . The soldiers led Jesus away into the palace ( that is , the Praetorium ) and called together the whole company of soldiers . They put a purple robe on him , then twisted together a crown of thorns and set it on him . And they began to call out to him , " Hail , king of the Jews ! " Again and again they struck him on the head with a staff and spit on him . Falling on their knees , they paid homage to him . And when they had mocked him , they took off the purple robe and put his own clothes on him . Then they led him out to crucify him . ( Mark 15 : 16 - 20 ) Now the soldiers led him away inside the palace ( that is , the Praetorium ) . You havPosted by The cry of the newborn baby woke her in the night . " Not again " , she said , as the task of motherhood took it 's toll . She stumbled across the dark room and lifted her son from his crib . The touch of his mother 's hand brought comfort as she sat in her chair for another late night feeding . She sighed as she thought of the work that waited for her in the morning , but as she looked down at the sparkle in her baby 's eyes , the sleep in her own began to disappear . Oh what wonders waited for him she thought . The joys of life to experience , for him and for her . She felt a tear well in her eye as she thought about the first time he would call her Mama and chuckled as she pictured him clumsily taking his first step . It wouldn 't be long until he would be standing in the window waiting for father to come home and bounce him on his knee . Then will come school she thought , feeling proud . Yes , he would be smart , she felt sure of that . She would be there to help him in any way . She thought about how his features would change as he grew . He will always be beautiful to me , she thought . She thought about how tall and proud he would stand as he left for his first day of work . Maybe he would work for his father and maybe not . Whatever he chose , he will have been brought up to take pride in it and to do his best . And then one day he will leave . It will be sad but she will be strong , knowing that she has prepared him for life . He will be a man . He will be a good man , always doing his best to help others . He will be loved by all and she will be proud to say , " This is my son . " Suddenly , the sounds of an angry crowd woke her from her thoughts . Looking to her lap , she saw that her baby was asleep . A tear fell as she reached down and gently took hold of his bleeding , nail scarred hand . She pulled him in close and kissed her baby goodnight . Happy Mother 's Day You invited me to sit at your table . You wanted to share a meal with me but I think you wanted to share so much more . You said you would be betrayed , but it wouldn 't just be Judas at the table who would betray you . I have sold you for much less than thirty pieces of silver . You said you would be left behind out of fear and shame . I thought I was stronger but nobody ran faster than me from the garden . And when I looked across that courtyard and my eyes met yours , deep in my disgrace I knew just how weak I was . What I don 't understand is that you already knew all this but you still invited me to your table . Why ? After all I 've done and have not done , why at the foot of the cross where you hung dying , why did I hear you whisper my name ? You are everything that is good , I am not and yet you call me brother . So here I sit at your table , I have tasted your bread and I have filled myself on your cup . I hunger and thirst no longer . Thank you for inviting me to your table , I look forward to feasting with you again . When they came to the other disciples , they saw a large crowd around them , and the teachers of the law arguing with them . As soon as all the people saw Jesus , they were overwhelmed with wonder and ran to greet him . " What are you arguing with them about ? " , he asked . A man in the crowd answered , " Teacher , I brought you my son , who is possessed by a spirit that has robbed him of speech . Whenever it seizes him , it throws him to the ground . He foams at the mouth , gnashes his teeth and becomes rigid . I asked your disciples to drive out the spirit , but they could not . " O ' unbelieving generation , " Jesus replied , " how long shall I stay with you ? How long shall I put up with you ? Bring the boy to me . " So they brought him . When the spirit saw Jesus , it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion . He fell to the ground and rolled around , foaming at the mouth . Jesus asked the boys father , " How long has he been like this ? " " From childhood , " he answered . " It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him . But if you can do anything , take pity on us and help us . " " If you can ? " , said Jesus . " Everything is possible for him who believes . " Immediately the boys father exclaimed , " I do believe ; help me overcome my unbelief ! " When Jesus saw that a crowd was running to the scene , he rebuked the evil spirit . " You deaf and mute spirit , " he said , " I command you , come out of him and never enter him again . " The spirit shrieked , convulsed him violently and came out . The boy looked so much like a corpse that many said , " He 's dead . " But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him to his feet , and he stood up . ( Mark 9 : 14 - 27 ) It 's a story of a father and his son . Neither are named , but I know the father , he lives in my skin . There are two things I love about this story , both bring encouragement and hope . One is that God hears my prayers even when my faith is shaky and my doubts are firm . He always stands ready to lift me up , even when I have thrown myself to the ground . The second is that God listens and acts on the prayers I offer on behalf of thosePosted by I had an experience yesterday , one that I have had many times before . My family is currently going through what I will just call a stressful situation . On my way home yesterday , I had a vision that always seems to pop into my mind when I 'm dealing with something emotional . It 's me sitting in the middle of my church . I 'm not talking about during a Sunday morning service , but an empty church with me sitting by myself , not saying anything , not doing anything , just sitting in silence . Something about this vision brings me such comfort , a feeling that if I were there right at that moment , I would feel nothing but peace . Now , I know that being at the church building doesn 't bring me any closer to God than I am when sitting in my car or at my house or anywhere for that matter . I know that God 's fullness is with me everywhere and that the church is just a building where the real church meets . Gary , our minister often refers to our building as " just a box " . I think that fits . It 's a box of memories . That same box of old photos we all have in a closet somewhere that we pull out , ruffle through , pick one out and say , " Remember when . . . " . You see , that 's the way our church is . It 's not the " Sunday morning put your time in " kind of place . Life happens there . You can find a piece of history in every corner . I walk in the kitchen downstairs and remember my first visit to Oakhaven with my brother after working with him at the University . That same kitchen has been renamed " Jimmy 's Junction " , after a great man whom God took home a few years back . We talk about the great ribs he used to make for our annual corn roast , but he 's remembered for so much more than that . Then we have " Truit tower " , the silo that has been renovated into a prayer room and named after one of the founders of the church . It 's probably my favorite place in the building to just sit and meditate . If you put your ear to the wall in the auditorium , you can still hear the distant echoes of past songs sung in praise to our Father . If you reach down and touch the carpePosted by My family and I went to see the movie " Eight Below " this weekend . It was a great movie and I highly recommend it . The opening of the movie had a line that just got me thinking . " Inspired by a true story " . It made me think about how many times I 've seen that before a movie or something similar such as , " Based on a true story " or " Based on actual events " . I find it somewhat ironic that we have these true events that need a little embellishing to make them entertaining . Don 't get me wrong , I don 't think there is anything wrong with that . Who knows , I may not have enjoyed " Eight Below " as much if they told the story exactly as it actually played out . But what is it about truth that it sometimes just isn 't enough ? Are we surrounded by so much stimuli that truth just comes across as too boring ? Maybe I see truth as too " possible " and that just doesn 't grab me . I don 't know what it is . I 've also been reading a series of fictional books that have really sucked me in and I find myself having the same problem there . Everyday , I can 't wait to get some quiet time to read . When the time finally comes , I reach into the basket beside my chair and grab my fictional book . . . . sitting right next to my Bible . Posted by O . K . , here 's the scenario . In the restroom where I work , there is a paper towel dispenser on the wall just to the left of the sink . About three weeks ago , the dispenser was removed , for what reason , I don 't know . They didn 't feel the need to inform me . But anyway , imagine my surprise the first time I washed my hands , I turned to the left as usual to dry them and " Bam " , no paper towels . I stood there confused , not knowing what to do . This is not the way things are supposed to be . I wash my hands and the paper towels are supposed to be right there ! After I calmed down a bit , I took action . I looked around and found that the roll of towels had been placed on a shelf on the back wall of the restroom . I dried my hands and wondered , what could have happened to the dispenser ? " Well " , I thought , " hopefully they will get this fixed soon . This is very inconvenient . " I mean , the roll is now like 5 feet from the sink ! That makes no sense ! As days went by with no new paper towel holder , one thing amazed me . I knew the holder wasn 't there . I would even walk in and see the empty spot on the wall . But each time when I finished washing my hands , I would immediately turn to my left and reach for a towel . I don 't know what irritated me more , that there were no towels where they were supposed to be or that I continued to reach for towels that I knew weren 't there . Habits can be hard to break . Change is tough ! I decided then that this was just silly . I mean , here I am getting distressed over something so small as paper towels being moved . There are much bigger issues to worry about . So I decided that I would not let these petty things get to me . From that day forward , I was going to be a changed man , no more complaining . When change comes my way , I 'm just gonna embrace it and roll ! Mister easy going , take life as it comes . Yeah , that 's me . Well , yesterday they installed the new paper towel dispenser in the restroom . So now things are back to normal , except the lever on this new dispenser is alot harder to pull than the old one was . . . . . . Just A Beggar I just read an article about a study showing that babies are altruistic ( I have to admit , I didn 't know what the word meant until I read the article ) . It was pretty interesting so I have copied some of the high points : Oops , the scientist dropped his clothespin . Not to worry - a wobbly toddler raced to help , eagerly handing it back . The simple experiment shows the capacity for altruism emerges as early as 18 months of age . Toddlers ' endearing desire to help out actually signals fairly sophisticated brain development , and is a trait of interest to anthropologists trying to tease out the evolutionary roots of altruism and cooperation . Psychology researcher Felix Warneken performed a series of ordinary tasks in front of toddlers , such as hanging towels with clothespins or stacking books . Sometimes he " struggled " with the tasks ; sometimes he deliberately messed up . Over and over , whether Warneken dropped clothespins or knocked over his books , each of 24 toddlers offered help within seconds - but only if he appeared to need it . Video shows how one overall - clad baby glanced between Warneken 's face and the dropped clothespin before quickly crawling over , grabbing the object , pushing up to his feet and eagerly handing back the pin . Warneken never asked for the help and didn 't even say " thank you , " so as not to taint the research by training youngsters to expect praise if they helped . After all , altruism means helping with no expectation of anything in return . And - this is key - the toddlers didn 't bother to offer help when he deliberately pulled a book off the stack or threw a pin to the floor , Warneken , of Germany 's Max Planck Institute of Evolutionary Anthropology , reports Thursday in the journal Science . This really shouldn 't surprise me . After all , we are " Created in His Image " ( Genesis 1 : 26 ) . And Jesus called a little child and had him stand among them . And He said : " I tell you the truth , Unless you change and become like little children , you will never enter the kingdom of Heaven . Therefore , whoever humbles himseJust A Beggar I have a bad job . Well , the work I do is not that bad but the company I work for often leaves me drained and depressed . Don 't get me wrong , I 'm not looking to be coddled at work , but it would be nice to be appreciated and treated with some amount of dignity from time to time . You 'll just have to take my word for it that it isn 't the greatest place to work , but being an uneducated man , my choices these days are few . As a Christian , it is a struggle for me as to how to deal with this situation . I find it so easy when mistreated to retaliate with poor work ethic . When pushed , you push back . After all , they are no better then I am , and I won 't let them treat me like a dog . I 'll show them . Not very Christ like is it ? Now you see my dilemma . It also never accomplished anything , the more I push , the more they push , the more I push and so it goes . I came to the conclusion some time ago that God had put me in this situation to teach me humility . T he lesson I needed to learn was to always try to do the right thing in the face of adversity . To do my best at my job no matter how I was being treated . I needed to go home at night and be able to believe that no matter what the working conditions were at the plant , it wasn 't my fault because I did what I was told and I did it to the best of my abilities . I believed that when I learned this lesson , that God would take me out of this situation and open up another opportunity in a more positive environment . One where I would be more free to do His work and life would be good . I have since learned the lesson of humility . Some days are still hard , some days I slip . But overall , I feel pretty good about who I am at work . God has given me some peace at work because I am also more aware of whose I am . I don 't work hard for my company , I work hard for my God , because it 's the right thing to do . It 's what He would have me do . But a couple of weeks ago something new dawned on me . As I was thinking of all the things I would rather be doing with my life and all the work I would rather be doPosted by We live in an amazing time . I have seen and understand things that my parents would never have dreamed of . I can even program a VCR ( for you younger readers , VCR 's are what we had to play movies with before DVD players ) . Take genetics , I don 't know all the ins and outs of genetics , but I have somewhat of an idea how genetics work . I understand how it is possible that my daughter can have my eyes and my nose ( sorry baby ) , and how we are made up of DNA and how it is passed from generation to generation . Again , I don 't know all the ins and outs , but I understand how it works . There 's no magic in it anymore , or is there ? You see , that 's what happens to me when I take something that is a mystery and come to understand how it works . It starts out as something magical and unbelievable , but then when I find out how it works , the magic is gone and I puff myself up a little bit and marvel at my intellectual prowess . But is the magic really in HOW something works or is it more in WHY something works ? My daughter and my son have some of my physical and emotional features . How that works is really cool , but WHY that works , that 's magical . That we have a God that wants part of my father and mother to live on in me and part of me to live on in my son and daughter , that 's awesome . We have a God of details . When my children 's children ask what I looked like , my daughter will be able to say , " Well , he had brown eyes like mine , and a nose like mine and hair like Uncle Patrick 's . " So , who cares how it all works . Why it all works , that 's what I really want to know . It 's because God loves us , and He loves to show us in the details . Let 's take a 2000 year step back and apply this to the sacrifice of Jesus for our sins . Again , I don 't know all the ins and outs , but I understand how it works . I am a sinner , God and sin cannot dwell together . The bible says that the wages of sin is death . ( Romans 6 : 23 ) There is a price we pay for our sinfulness , we have separated ourselves from God with no way of our own to geJust A Beggar |
by Andrew JoyceJune 23 , 2017 I had just left an Apache Reservation in Arizona after having spent a night there . I was hitching west and had been picked up by a guy named Jimmy . I never did learn his last name . He was a full - blooded Apache and he invited me to crash on his couch . I didn 't get much sleep because we stayed up most of the night and talked … well … he did most of the talking . He told me of the Denéé - The People - as he referred to the Apache . I learned of their history , their medicine , or religion , as we would call it . I even did some peyote with him and spoke with God . But that 's another story . Today , I want to tell you about Hank . Jimmy was still asleep when I left . I didn 't have it in me to wake him and ask for a ride back to the highway . The sun was just over the horizon , it was still cool out even though it was the desert and it was summertime . I had been brought onto the reservation in the back of a pickup truck and had not followed our progress as we drove the back road onto the reservation ; after all , I was facing backwards , looking at where we 'd been , not where we were going . As I started my walk , I saw the mountain I had been looking at as we drove onto the Apache homeland . It seemed as though it had taken us about half an hour to get from Highway 90 to Jimmy 's house . So , I reckoned that if I just kept the mountain in front of me and walked in a relatively straight line , it would not take me more than a few hours to make my way back to the highway . Boy , was I mistaken . I started my trek across the desert full of vim and vigor . After all , I was nineteen years old ; I was immortal , as are all young people . Of course , I had no water with me ; ha … who needs water ! Well , as it turned out , I needed water , and I needed a lot more than just water . I needed a sense of distance , and maybe even a sense of direction . Allow me to explain . I set out at sunrise , headed towards a particular mountain , and after four hours treading the desert floor , that damn mountain seemed no closer than when I started . I had no watch with me , so I did not know the exact time , but judging by the sun , it must have been mid - morning - about ten o ' clock - when I realized I had made a colossal mistake . When I first set out , I thought the walk to the highway would take two , maybe three hours at the most . But here I was four hours later with not a car - hell , with not even another human being - in sight . I was not even smart enough to follow the winding road we came in on . No , I had to play it cool , thinking I could shave off some time by cutting across the desert and walking in a straight line . Well , once I left the road , I never found it again . I pressed on , keeping the mountain in my sights . Now , I 'll tell you folks something I didn 't know at the time . A mountain is a pretty big item . I was heading south , so I could wander a few miles either east or west and still have the same perspective of my destination , the mountain . And without a compass that is just what I did . I was zig - zagging all over the place , but I thought I was walking in a straight line . By noon , or when the sun was directly overhead , the desert had started to heat up . And so did I . At that point , I would have killed for a glass of cool water . Maybe even with some ice in it . Those were my thoughts as I walked towards that goddamn mountain that kept retreating from me . So as not to bore you all to tears , I will not tell you about that afternoon . Suffice it to say the afternoon consisted of walking and thoughts of water . The sun was on a slow descent to the other side of the world , and I had been walking for about ten hours when I saw it . There up ahead , unless it was a mirage , was a shack . I thanked God I saw it when I did . Complete darkness was less than an hour away , and I might have walked right past it in the night . I was too tired to run , but I did pick up my pace a bit . When I got to within twenty yards of the place I saw my salvation - an old fashioned water pump , long handle and all . I ran right to the pump and without asking anyone 's permission , pumped that handle up and down like there was no tomorrow . And from my point of view , if I didn 't get some water in me , there would be no tomorrow , at least not for me . For all my effort , only a few dust swirls and a few grains of sand emanated from the spout . Then I remembered something , a pump has to be primed , and you need water to prime a pump . It 's kind of like - you need money to make money , and I needed water to get water . A catch - 22 . Now that I was not going to have my fondest wish granted - a few measly drops of water - I turned my attention to the shack . I could tell right away that the place was abandoned ; the fauna , or sagebrush , or whatever the hell grows in a desert , was three feet tall and blocking the door . The shack was about thirty feet wide , and after circumnavigating it , I discerned it was also thirty feet deep . There were no windows , so my ingress would have to be through the door . As the night was fast approaching , I returned from my excursion of circling the shack and proceeded to the door , expecting to do battle with it to affect entry . However , to my everlasting surprise , the door flew open upon my touch . How inviting . With no windows , the only light entering said shack came from behind me and from the spaces between the boards that made up the walls of the shack . They were more like the walls of an old barn ; there was about an eighth of an inch of open space between most of the boards . Some did join together , but they were of the minority . The wood was warped and old . This place has been here for a while . The gloom within the shack made it hard to see what , if anything , was inside . As my eyes adjusted to the low light , I saw a table in the middle of the room . I started for it , and then saw a single chair about five feet to the right . I had not noticed it sooner because it was in the shadows . The only light , as I 've said , came mostly from the door . And that light was only as wide as the door , about three feet . It did not reach the corners or the far side of the room . Upon the back of the chair were draped some clothes . For the time being , the chair and its accouterments held no interest for me . My attention was focused on the table . For upon the table stood a clear bottle about twelve inches high with a candle stuck into its mouth . It looked almost new , only an inch of its ten - inch length had been used . Maybe I would not have to spend the night in darkness after all . I did not ( and still do not ) smoke . But I always carried a book of matches with me . One never knew when one might want to start a small fire and heat up a can of beans or a can of soup to get one through the night . I went right for the candle , pulled out my trusty matches , and lit it . The light it gave off did not reach very far , maybe a couple feet past the table 's edge . By the way , the table was only about four foot square , and there was nothing else on it but the candle in the clear bottle . Once I had a little light , I figured I could relax . I was still dying of thirst , but there was nothing I could do about that . I was thankful that the sun had retreated , giving me a respite from the heat for a few hours . I pulled the chair over to the table and sat down . As I leaned back , I felt something bulky and hard . I stood and removed the clothing , which consisted of a " duster , " and two flannel shirts . You folks know what a duster is , don 't you ? I am sure most of you have seen them in Westerns . But for those who are unfamiliar with the term , I will describe one . They were white , made of cotton , and looked something like a modern - day raincoat , except they were full length , falling to almost the ankle . And as the name implies , they were worn over one 's regular attire to keep the dust from soiling one 's clothes . However , it was not the duster that caught my attention ; it was the old - time six - shooter , lying in its holster , which hung from the back of the chair . Cool . Then I saw what was also hanging on the back of the chair , a canteen . I placed the candle on the table and with fear and trepidation , the fear and trepidation coming from the fact that the bloody thing might be empty , I lifted the strap attached to the canteen . I could tell by the weight that it was full . But even if there was water , chances of it being any good after sitting there in the desert for God knows how long were not good . After returning the duster and shirts to where I had found them , I pulled the chair up to the table , sat down , and turned my attention once again to the canteen . I quickly pulled the cork from the opening and sniffed the contents . It didn 't smell bad , so I dribbled a few drops onto my tongue . It didn 't taste great , but I was thirsty enough to chance being sick , because at that point I was very dehydrated and would die in the desert the next day if I didn 't get some moisture in me . Just as I was tilting my head back and raising the canteen to my mouth , a thought struck me . I did not have to chance anything . I could use half of the canteen 's contents to prime the pump , and if the well was dry , I would still have the other half for tonight and tomorrow . One way or the other , I was going to drink water that night even if it killed me . At least I would not die with my tongue hanging out , swollen from thirst . I grabbed the candle , for it had gotten dark by then , and went out to the pump . I 'm a city boy , there was only one other time I have had the pleasure of meeting a hand pump that pumped water up from a well . On that occasion , the pump needed priming and I watched my associate as he repeatedly primed and pumped , primed and pumped . So I felt pretty confident I wouldn 't screw things up by putting the water in the wrong place , like the spout , which is probably what I would have done if not for my previous experience with a pump . I placed the candle on the ground so I could uncork the canteen ; the candle gave just enough light so I could see what I was doing . With one hand , I poured water into the pump , and with the other , I took hold of the long handle at its end and started to pump . Up and down , faster and faster . The water seemed to be going in at an alarming rate , but I still poured and pumped . I had gone through more than half of that precious liquid and was about to halt my endeavor when the first few drops came out of the spout . And with every downward motion of the handle , more water came pouring out onto the ground until it was a raging torrent … a small raging torrent granted , but I had no complaints . Then I could stand it no longer . I put my head under the spout , face up and mouth open , as I continued to pump . I have never tasted water so sweet in my entire life . And that would include any bottled water you may wish to proffer . After I had drunk my fill , I poured the contents of the canteen onto the ground and pumped a small quantity of water into it . I sloshed it around for a moment and emptied that also onto the ground . Then I filled the canteen , recorked it , and went back into the shack . Now that the water situation was taken care of , I could have gone for a light dinner , but hey … ya cain 't have everything . When I got back into the shack , I closed the door . As I 've said , I 'm a city boy . I didn 't want any desert critters coming in during the night , looking to start up a friendship with Yours Truly . In all likelihood , if any of the denizens of the desert did enter during the night , it would have been for the warmth of my body rather than my friendship . I allude to Crotalus Oreganu , better known as the western rattlesnake . I 've heard that they like to snuggle up with human beings at night for our body heat . So the door would remain closed until morning . I saw nothing in the first three corners . But in the fourth , leaning against the wall , was a shovel and pickaxe , and on the floor lay a saddle and reins . There were no Crotalus Oreganu present , thank God , but there was a presence of another kind . Of course , I am speaking of Hank . A bed stood against the back wall . I had not noticed it earlier because of my preoccupation with the canteen and the darkness of the room vis - à - vis the limited light of the candle . Upon the bed lay Hank . Now Hank wasn 't the most talkative hombre I 've ever had the pleasure to meet . But that might have been because he was dead . Holding the candle over the bed , I saw a human skeleton completely intact , probably because it was a bit mummified . The dry desert air will do that to a corpse . The skin was drawn tight and shrunken . For some reason , the eyeballs were missing . The skull was still attached to the neck . The hair of the cadaver was jet black and full . If the hair had been all that I could see , I 'd have sworn it belonged to a young man who was still among the living . The eye sockets , as I 've said , were empty and dark . The missing eyeballs were a mystery I was in no hurry to solve . Years later when I mentioned it to someone , I was told that insects had probably eaten them . Starting from the top and working down , he had a red bandana tied around his neck , and a faded cotton shirt ( because of the light I could not tell what the original color was ) . He had on a pair of Levi 's , held up - well , not at the moment , but in life - by a belt with a square buckle that looked to be tarnished silver , with the name " Hank " engraved onto it . And on the belt was a knife in a sheath . His feet were covered by beige - colored socks . It seems his boots were off when he died . I don 't know if it 's more advantageous to die with your boots on or off , I 'll leave that up to the individual . I then moved the candle a little lower still , and perceived on the wooden floor , next to the bed , a pair of scuffed boots , black in color , one lying on its side . Oh yeah … I forgot to tell you . Everything - Hank , the table , the floor , the bed … I mean everything - in that shack was covered with a thick layer of dust . I sat at the table , purposely not looking over to where Hank lay in repose . I was staring at the table , the top of it to be precise , when I noticed what looked like a small depression on the edge closest to me . It looked like someone had carved something into the wood . I took a deep breath and blew the dust from that area . It allowed me to read clearly what had been carved . The message was a simple one : " Hank Wiley 1889 . " I reckon ol ' Hank had been hangin ' out here waiting for me , or someone like me , to come along for eighty years . The year was 1969 . However , more surprising than finding Hank , and almost as spiritually uplifting as getting the pump to work , was what I was about to stumble upon next . When I first saw the shack , I was so tired from the day 's march that I envisioned being asleep almost before the sun went down . However , " The best laid plans … " Finding the canteen and then finding Hank kinda got my juices flowing if ya know what I mean . So here I am , sittin ' in a one - room , thirty - by - thirty - foot , broken - down shack in the middle of the Arizona desert with an eighty - year old skeleton and I 'm wide - awake with nothing to do . So , like any good ex - Boy Scout , I went exploring . I took the candle and retraced my steps back to the bed and Hank . I knelt down next to the bed and placed the candle so the bottle that held it rested against Hank 's neck and chin . I first felt the two pockets of his shirt . Nothing . I rummaged in the left front pocket of his jeans , then the right . Nothing . I picked up the candle from its resting place and placed it on the floor . I wanted to check his back pockets . I put a hand on his shoulder and a hand on his hip , and I turned Hank onto his side . It was easy , I could have done it one handed he was so light . I held him in that position while I felt in the Levi 's rear pockets . The left pocket held nothing , but in the right , I felt something that might have been a wallet . I extracted it and lowered Hank back onto the bed . As I did so , his head became detached from the rest of his body and rolled onto its side , facing me . Those empty eye sockets seemed to say , " Why have you defiled me ? " I picked up the candle and returned to the table . It was not a wallet , but a piece of leather cut into a rectangle , about eight inches long and folded in half . Lying between the folds were an envelope , a piece of folded paper , and an old , faded photograph . It showed who I believed to be Hank ( the man had the same thick , black mane ) and a woman with hair as light as Hank 's was dark , standing at the tailgate of a wagon . And on the wagon was a banner of sorts . Because Hank and the woman were standing in front of it , there were only eight letters visible , two to the right of Hank ( " JU " ) and six to the left of the woman ( " ARRIED " ) . The banner obviously read " JUST MARRIED . " I looked at the picture for a long time . I thought of the unnamed woman and wondered whatever had become of her . She was quite pretty , and now as I write these words and I see once again that picture in my mind , I recall they were also very young , although , at the time , that did not enter into my thinking . Being nineteen and believing myself fully grown , I considered anyone else my age to also be an adult . But as I think of that picture today , at the tender age of sixty - seven , I know they were just kids ; they couldn 't have been more than nineteen themselves . I next removed the letter from its envelope . It had a return address of Boston , Massachusetts , and it was addressed to Mr . Henry Wiley c / o Forrester 's Hotel , Tucson , Arizona . Surprisingly , the paper was not brittle ; it was old and brown , but did not fall apart in my hands . The handwriting was feminine and it was addressed to " My dearest husband . " I did not read the letter just then . I put it to one side and opened the piece of folded paper . It also was a letter , but written in a different hand . This handwriting was masculine , and it started with " Dearest Andy . " Before I go on , I would like to digress , or jump ahead , whichever term is proper . All this happened forty - eight years ago , and for forty - eight years I 've held on to those two letters , never knowing the reason why . Through many incarnations - business man , criminal , fugitive , junkie , and now writer - I have kept these letters . While my mother was alive , they were kept safely at her home , and then in a bank safety deposit box . They sit before me as I write these words and I now know the reason I 've kept them all these years . It was so that one day I might share them with you . I will present them in the order they were written . The first one is dated 9 July 1888 , and it is from an Andrea Wiley to her dearest husband Hank Wiley . Without comment , this is the text of the letter . Do you know it has been twenty months since you went away ? I write you every week . Some of my letters are returned with the notation that you are not known at that locale . I pray that this letter gets to you , my love . This November will mark the second year of your absence . I miss you so very much . I am fine . I am making dresses for the ladies of society . My work is very well thought of , and I am kept quite busy . I do miss Kansas , but you were right , it is better that I stay with my mother while you are gone . Mother sends her love . Henry , I know we discussed this before you left , however , can you not come home now ? Yes , our farm in Kansas was doing poorly , and we both worked very hard . But you never heard me complain because I had no complaints . I loved you , and I loved our farm . I know you wanted things better for me . You did not want me to work so hard , you wanted to buy me fancy clothes and nice things . Henry , I never wanted any of that , I only wanted you . And by going away you have taken away the only thing I truly desired . Will you please come home ? There is a reason I ask this of you now . I know how stubborn you can be . Until you find your fortune in gold you will stay away . You will think that you have failed me . Henry , the only time you have failed me is when you went away . I have not wanted you to worry so I have refrained from telling you this before , but Henry , you have a son . He was born eight months after you left . His name is Henry Addison Wiley , Jr . and he looks just like you . His eyes are the same , and so is his smile . However , his hair is fair like mine . He needs a father . All the riches in all the world cannot take your place . Henry , you are not a failure , not with a son like Henry Jr . Please come home . I am starting to drop tears onto the paper and they will make the ink run . So I will close for now . Henry , know that I love you with all my heart and that I need you with me ; you are my treasure , you are my riches . Henry Jr . and I need you , please come home . I have just received your letter . I see by the date that you wrote it seven months ago . I don 't get down here that often , but my friend who works in the hotel kept the letter for me . The reason some of your letters have come back is if the owner of the hotel sees them before my friend , he sends them back . He and I do not get along . So I have a boy ? I cannot wait to see him and you too . I will be coming home shortly . I stumbled upon an abandoned shack and decided to use it as my headquarters . And what do you know , not two miles to the west I found my fortune . It is in a small outcropping of rock . It comes out of the ground and gradually slants upwards to about the height of three feet . The rock is about four feet thick , and right in the middle of it , running the whole length of the outcrop is a vein of pure gold nine inches thick . I shoveled the dirt away from where she comes out of the ground and the vein continues . It could go on for miles . But I have no plans to find out . I too miss you . I broke my pickaxe trying to break the rock away . I came down to Tucson to buy another one and to buy some chisels and a sledgehammer . If I had not found what I was desperately searching for these last two years , I would be leaving for home today . I just need to go back for one or two weeks . I am not greedy . I will only mine as much as I can carry on my horse . With it we can go back to Kansas and buy us a really good farm and hire us some help . You will not have to work so hard . I will mail this when I come back to Tucson so you will know that I am om my way . I want to write more , but will do so at night in the shack . Until then , kiss Henry Jr . for me . Hello , I am back in the shack . I have been here ten days and have all the gold I can carry . Tomorrow I start for Tucson , then for home . I cannot wait to see you and Henry Jr . As you know I am not much of a letter writer , so I 'll save my words until I see you . There was more to Hank 's letter , but it was written in a different hand , a hand that seemed to shake as it wrote . It is hard to read , but after all these years , I know what it says . The script is in one continuous sentence without punctuation . For ease of reading , I have added the correct punctuation and separated the words into sentences and the sentences into paragraphs . Here are the last words of Henry Addison Wiley , Sr . Wouldn 't you know it ? The night before leaving for home and you , I have to go and get myself bit by a rattlesnake . I lanced the punctures and sucked out the venom , but I don 't think it was enough , or I wasn 't fast enough . I am feeling light headed . I was getting packed up so I could get an early start in the morning , and I reached under the bed to pull out the box I keep the gold in , and a rattler bit me . I made short work of him with the shovel . But that doesn 't help me . I was going to transfer the gold from the box to canvas bags for the trip to Tucson . I don 't think I have much time so I better get down to what I want to say . You were right , Andy ; we were rich back in Kansas . I am so sorry I did not know it at the time . I guess staring Death in the face changes a man 's way of looking at things . I know of your love of animals . Before I got too weak I took the saddle and reins off my horse and set her free . You taught me of the dignity of animals . You were my shining light . I must have been crazy to have ever left you , now I will never know my son , and he will never know his father . Tell him of his father 's folly so he will know what is important in this life . Tell him that is something his father learned far too late . I have botched things up good . I write these words in the hope that someday someone will find them and forward them on to you . I want you to know that my last thoughts were of you . In the end , I have failed you … I am so sorry . Not for me , but for leaving you and Henry Jr . to the mercy of this world while I am in another . If possible , I will look after you from my new world as I have never looked after you in this one . All my love … After reading the two letters , I sat in the chair and just watched the candle burn . My thoughts were of Andrea and Hank , of their life on the farm in Kansas . I thought of Hank Jr . and wondered what kind of man he grew up to be . I think … no , I am pretty damn sure that reading those two letters is the reason I have had a life - long aversion to acquiring material wealth . By now it was getting light out , but I kept the candle burning because I wanted to see something . I went over to the bed and knelt down . I used the candle to see if there were any snakes under the bed . When I didn 't see any , I grabbed the box that was under there by one hand and pulled . It did not move . I put the candle down , and using both hands , I dragged the box from under the bed . It was very heavy . When I slid it far enough out so I could see the contents , I lifted the candle and held it over the box . What I saw were two canvas bags lying on top of something . With my right hand , I removed the bags to expose rocks that reflected the light of the candle as a prism would . The light bounced off those rocks and reflected on the wall like one of those disco ball things that hang over dance floors in night clubs . The rocks , of course , were pure gold . I call them rocks because that is what they were . They were not puny , little nuggets of gold ; no , they were substantial rocks of gold . I looked on in amazement for a few minutes before replacing the canvas bags and sliding the box back under the bed . I can see how some can easily come down with gold fever . I must admit , for one half a second , I too had the fever . But the memory of what I had just read was all I needed to cure me . I got up off my knees and walked over to the table . I folded the two letters , putting Andrea 's back in its envelope . I put them both in the back pocket of my jeans . Leaving the piece of leather on the table , I picked up the picture of Hank and Andrea . I walked over and unclasped Hank 's hands , now I had no qualms about touching him . I placed the picture between his hands and laid his hands back on his belly . Then I gently put his head back into the position it was when I found him . I stood over him for a moment or two before saying out loud : " Hank old buddy , if you don 't mind , I 'm goin ' borrow your canteen . I am sorry for disturbing you last night , but you and your lovely wife have been very good company . The rocks that you gave up so much for are where you left them . I have no need for them any more than you have . I know Andrea and your son are with you now , and I am glad for all of you . Thank you for your hospitality , and I 'll be seein ' you someday up yonder . " I left the shack , closing the door behind me . Three hours later , I could hear the highway 's whine . An hour after that , I was standing on the side of US Highway 90 , hitchin ' my way to California . They have me now . I was stupid enough to get caught after that gas station robbery . What 's the big fucking deal ? We got only forty bucks . The cops came a - shootin ' . My man Daryl took a bullet to the head . Under the law , I was charged with murder in the second degree because someone died in the commission of a felony . How do you like that shit ? The cops didn 't have to shoot . We were not armed … we carried toy guns . Of course , I was convicted . It was an all - white jury . What else can a black man expect in America ? Now I 'm looking at twenty years to life . I sit in my cell and think of my girl . Her skin is chestnut brown in color . It 's the softest thing I 've ever known … next to the love she has given me . Her smile used to send me to heaven . But I can 't see her smile no more . Her name is Gloria . She was my life . Now my life is trying not to get shivved in the food line . She has written me , asking to visit . I will not allow it ! I do not want her to see me in a cage . I wrote her back and told her to forget me . Get herself a man as unlike me as possible . It really don 't matter no more . I will not live my life in a cage . Big Dog runs us blacks in this place . He is big , I 'll give him that . We are in the yard … the whites are on the far side … the spics opposite . And us niggers have the middle ground . I rush at Big Dog looking like I 'm holding a shiv . I 'm not . One of his lieutenants cuts me down before I can get close . When he was only a white bunny , Bobby used to live in the woods with his other bunny friends . His closest friends were Homer , Janice , and Tommy . They would play together every day . They would play many games , but their favorite was hide - n - seek . That was ever so much fun . One day , Bobby decided that he was going to be the champion hide - n - seek player of all time . He would hide so well that no one would ever find him . Not even Janice who was the best hide - n - seek player in the whole wide world ! On that day , as Janice covered her eyes and counted to one hundred , Tommy and Homer hid in their usual places . But Bobby went deep into the woods , farther than he had ever gone before . His mommy would have been so worried about him if she had known how far from home he had traveled . After a while , he came to an old fallen - down - and - hollowed - out log in a quiet glade . I can hide in there and Janice will never find me , thought Bobby . So he hopped into the log and made himself comfortable . It was cozy . It was so cozy that after a while , Bobby started to get sleepy . I 'll take a short nap . Then I 'll go back and surprise them all . How all the other bunnies will cheer when I hop into the clearing after Janice has given up looking for me . These were his thoughts as he fell asleep . The next thing Bobby knew , it was nighttime . He had slept longer than he had intended , and he was afraid . It was too dark to find his way home ; he missed his mommy . He wanted to cry , but decided he would be a big bunny and not cry . He would wait for the sun to come up and then he would scamper home as fast as he could . When he awoke this time , the sun was out and the birds were singing . It was a beautiful day . " Oh , good ! Now I can go home , " said Bobby . He started to squirm his way out of the log and he was almost out when he heard , " Dum - dee - dum - dum . Dum - dee - dum - dum . " Someone was humming to himself . Then the phrase was repeated : " Dum - dee - dum - dum . " " What is this ? " Bobby wondered aloud . There was only one way to find out , he would have to leave the safety of the log . The voice did not sound scary . In fact it was quite a pleasant voice , so he made his way out into the sunshine . There , before him , stood the biggest bunny he had ever seen . And to top it off , he was pink in colour ! The bunny was stirring something in a big black kettle . And there were many more kettles spread throughout the glade . The Easter Bunny walked over to a kettle and lifted what looked like a heavy sack . He poured the contents into the pot . " You stir this while I go on to the next one . " Bobby turned away and hopped down the trail . But an hour later he was back . " I can 't find my way home . I 've gone too far . I 've never been this far into the woods before . " The Easter Bunny sighed . " I will see that you get home , but first you must help me . Pick up a stick and stir that kettle over there , " he said pointing to the biggest kettle of the lot . With another sigh , the Easter Bunny went over and opened a short step - ladder that was nearby and put it next to the kettle . " Here . Stand on this , and make sure the colour is thoroughly mixed with the water . There is nothing worse than spotted eggs . " Bobby was warming to the task . It was fun to watch the colour swirls as they mixed with the water . His attention was so fixed on what he was doing that he did not notice he had moved a little too close to the pot . When he did notice , he tried to take a step back , but he lost his balance and fell into the kettle . That was all right ; the water was not hot , but the edge was too high for him to reach . He yelled for help , but there was no one there to hear him . The Easter Bunny gave Bobby a towel and told him to dry off . " And sit over there , out of the way . As soon as my eggs are coloured , I 'll see you home . " A few hours later , Bobby was standing in front of his burrow waving good - bye to his new friend , the Easter Bunny . When he went inside , he saw his mother standing at the sink and he called to her . She turned to him - and dropped the plate she was washing . His brothers and sisters snickered and laughed . " What is it ? " he wanted to know . From that day onward , everyone called him Bobby the Blue Bunny . And when he grew up , he became known as Bobby the Big Blue Bunny . It was then that he stopped playing hide - n - seek . Being big and blue , he was always too easy to find . by Andrew JoyceMay 28 , 2017May 29 , 2017 I went off to war at the tender age of sixteen . My mother cried and begged me to stay , but my country needed me . I would not see my mother again for four very long years . Due to my age , I was assigned to field headquarters as a dispatch courier for the first two years of the war . However , by the beginning of the third year , I had grown a foot taller and was shaving . And because men were dying at an alarming rate , I was sent into the trenches . They say that war is hell . I say hell is peaceful compared to living in a muddy trench with bombs exploding around you at all hours of the day and night . Though there were periods of respite from the shelling . Those were the hours when the enemy had to let their big guns cool or else the heat of firing would warp them . I lived like that for two years . I was at Verdun where I saw the true hell of war . After eleven months , we fought to a standstill . When the dead were counted , almost a million men from both sides had given their lives and not one inch of ground had been gained . By November of 1918 , we were out of food , out of ammunition , and almost out of men to send to the slaughter . The people at home had had enough of seeing their sons and fathers and brothers shipped home in boxes . There were marches and protests against the war . Near the end , the dead were not even sent home . They were buried in the fields where they had fallen . At last , the war was over . I am told that nine million men died in those four years , and another twenty million were wounded . I was there and those numbers seem a little low to me , but what do I know ? I was only a private . When I returned home , President Ebert was there to meet us soldiers . He shook my hand and said , " No enemy has vanquished you . " He said the same thing to each man as he stepped off the train . Then I read in a newspaper that he repeated the same phrase in a speech . He should not have done so . It was the basis of , the beginning of , Dolchstoßlegende , the Stab - In - The - Back Myth . The myth that said we lost the war because of the Jews , the Socialists , and the Bolsheviks . But mostly because of the Jews . I told you of my war experience because I wanted you to know I was there . I saw why we lost the war , and it was not because of Dolchstoßlegende . However , Dolchstoßlegende would affect me much more than the war ever had . My mother , when she saw me , dropped the dish she was holding . It broke on the floor , shattering into many pieces . She rushed to me and held me tight . I felt her warm tears on my neck until she let go and held me at arm 's length . " Let me look at you , " she said as she cried with happiness . " My , you have grown so big ! You remind me of your father . " My father had died years earlier ; I barely remembered him . It was good to be home . I had no plans except to sleep late every morning and eat my mother 's good cooking . However , the sleeping late was not to be . When I left , my mother was working in her friend 's millinery shop , but the shop had gone out of business during the war . My mother had been living off the money I was sending home every month . She said she did not write me of her plight because she did not want me to worry about her . I was no longer a boy . I was now a man of twenty years . I had seen the horrors of war and I had lived through those horrors . Certainly , I could provide for my mother and me . Four days after returning home , I went in search of a job . My first employment was with a blacksmith . However , that did not last long . The automobile was driving him out of business , and he had to let me go . Then Herr Hoffman hired me ; he ran the largest bakery in Berlin . It was a good job because I was treated well and shown respect by Herr Hoffman . It was a job I was to have until . . . well . . . until I could no longer work . More on that later . It was about that time the troubles began . The Allies had demanded reparations , and because of the war itself , there were food shortages and inflation . It was not uncommon to see someone with a suitcase filled with Mark notes going to buy a few groceries . One day , a man came into our shop with a 10 , 000 Mark note and asked if it would be enough to buy ten loaves of bread . Before the war , a loaf of bread cost 10 Pfennig , the equivalent of an American nickel . It was good to work where I could take a little food home every day , even if it was only a loaf of stale bread . By 1924 , inflation had gotten so bad that the Mark was replaced by the Reichsmark , but it did little good . There was still rampant inflation , and food shortages persisted . Of course , someone had to be blamed for the sorry state of affairs . That is when the Brownshirts appeared . I used to see them on the street corners giving speeches . They were always going on about the Jews and the communists . In those days , I kept mostly to myself . However , being a young man , I did , on occasion , go to a beer hall for a stein or two . It was on one of those occasions that I had my first , but not my last , run - in with the Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei or the National Socialist German Worker 's Party . They called themselves Nazis . The year was 1931 . I was thirty - three years old . I still lived with my mother and I still worked for Herr Hoffman . But by then , I did more than carry the fifty - pound bags of flour for the bakers . I was now a baker myself . It was a very good position . After my second stein , I could take it no longer . I turned to them and asked , " Were any of you in the war ? " I knew none of them had been because of their age . I think the oldest one couldn 't have been more than twenty - five . One of the younger ones answered my question . " No , but if we had been , we wouldn 't have lost the war . " At that , I had to smile . I was dealing with children . My smile seemed to anger them . " What are you laughing at ? " one of them asked . Another stood and approached me . " Are you a Jew ? " he demanded . That was enough for me . I stood and said , " No , I am not a Jew , but I fought shoulder to shoulder with them during the war while you were sucking your mother 's tit . And pound for pound , I 'd rather have a Jew fighting next to me than any of you ! " True to the Nazi form , they took out their batons and beat me . There were six of them , so I did not have much of a chance , but I did get in a few good punches . One of which knocked out a front tooth of the man who had asked if I was a Jew . Someone called the police , and they broke up the brawl . Just in time from my way of thinking ; I was getting the worst of it . I was told to go home , and as I paid my bill , I saw the policemen talking to the Brownshirts . They all seemed quite friendly with one another . In January of 1933 , Herr Hitler became the chancellor of our republic . In February , the Reichstag burned . The Nazis said it was arson and Hitler persuaded President von Hindenburg to pass the Enabling Act , which suspended our civil liberties . The Act empowered Hitler to name himself dictator of Germany , which he did in 1934 . His first act as dictator was to outlaw trade unions . Then he passed laws prohibiting Jews from working in the civil service and as lawyers or doctors for anyone except their own people . By 1938 , I had been promoted to master baker in Herr Hoffman 's shop . My life was good . My mother was still alive , and we still lived together . On my way home one night , I stopped off at a local ratskeller for a stein . As I entered , I bumped into a man wearing the black uniform of the Schutzstaffe ; he was missing a front tooth . I knew him right away . He was the Brownshirt whose tooth I had knocked out back in 1931 . All of Germany knew of Hitler 's storm troopers , and all of Germany feared them . I could see that he remembered me from somewhere , but was not sure where . Before he could remember , I left without having my stein . As I was going through the door , I turned to see him talking to the barmaid , pointing in my direction . Since the passing of the Enabling Act , it was legal to arrest a person for little or no reason . Most of the arrests were of people who spoke out against Hitler . The SS Storm Troopers were the ones that did the arresting . Once the SS had you in custody , you ended up in a concentration camp . The establishment of the camps was also one of the things Herr Hitler did in his first year as chancellor . I had no desire to be sent to a camp for punching a party member in the face years earlier , so I hurried home that evening . I remember the date well . It was 8 November 1938 , one day before Kristallnacht or Crystal Night , also known as The Night of Broken Glass . Over a two - day period , the SS and non - Jewish citizens throughout the country destroyed property owned by Jews . Storefronts were shattered ; homes entered and looted ; synagogues set afire . The property of Jews was easy to identify because their stores , houses and synagogues were painted with a yellow Star of David or the word Jude . On the final night of Kristallnacht , the SS - led by the storm trooper with the missing tooth - came for me . My mother cried and pleaded with them not to take me . I said nothing ; I knew what it was about . It was about revenge for a single punch in the face seven years earlier . The SS put me in jail and there I sat for a month before I was charged with treason to the Fatherland and being a " Jew - lover . " Without a trial , I was sent to Dachau , which was located in southern Germany . At first , I was treated as any other prisoner . I was sent to a sub - camp and used as slave labor , hollowing out a mountain for a military installation . Then one day , two prison guards hauled me out of the mountain , transported me back to the main camp , and escorted me into the office of the camp commandant , Hauptsturmführer Piorkowski . I stood before his desk with a guard on either side of me . Piorkowski was reading a file and did not acknowledge our presence . I was hopeful that at last someone had realized my arrest had been a mistake , that it was due to a vengeful major of the SS . I had been in the camp five months by then and had lost forty pounds . I would not last much longer if I was not freed . Piorkowski smiled and asked if I knew how to make strudel . Of course I did , and I told him so . Again he smiled and said , " We will see . " He told the guards to take me to the showers , get me a clean prison uniform , and escort me to the kantine . Turning to me he said , " This might be your lucky day . If you can make a decent strudel , I will take you out of the mountain and put you to baking for the officers and enlisted men . Our cooks are adequate , but none of them can make a proper strudel . And their breads are not much better . " After I cleaned up , the two guards took me to the main kitchen . There were two kitchens , the main one that prepared the SS 's food , and another one that did the same for the prisoners . Both were staffed by men of the Wehrmacht or regular army . The men of the Waffen - SS were above such things as running a mess hall . Of course , prisoners could not be trusted to work around food considering the insufficient amount we were given . They would not have been able to help themselves and would have stolen more food than they prepared . When we arrived , one of the guards left and the other one told the cook on duty what the commandant wanted of me . The cook shrugged and pointed to a table next to a wall of ovens . The guard said , " You will find what you need under the table . " And he added , " The ovens are heated and ready to go . " He did not leave ; he just stood there and watched me work . The smells of the kitchen were driving me mad . I was hungry , incredibly hungry , but I knew if I asked for something to eat , I would probably be beaten . Soon the strudels were ready for the oven . I had made twelve filled with cheese . When they were done , I took the pan out of the oven and laid it on the table . The guard was a young private ; he was licking his lips as his eyes followed the strudels from oven to table . Then the cook came over . He looked at my work and then picked up a strudel . It was hot , but it did not seem to faze him . He took a bite , chewed and swallowed . Without saying a word , he nodded at me and went back to whatever it was he had been doing . It was all I could do not to shove a strudel into my mouth . The private took me and the strudels back to the commandant . This time we had to wait in the outer office for about fifteen minutes . But at least I was not in the mountain with a pickaxe in my hand and a machine gun at my back . At length , we were summoned into Piorkowski 's office . As we entered , the commandant told me to lay the pan on his desk . I could see that a place had been cleared for that purpose . Then he said , " If they taste half as good as they smell , you will have a new job here at our little camp . Now wait outside until called for . " The guard and I left Piorkowski to enjoy his strudels . By the time we were called back in , two of the strudels were gone , and Piorkowski had a smile on his face . " It is a good thing for you that you are not a Jew , " he said . The questioning look on my face must have prompted him to go on . " If you were a Jew , I couldn 't allow you in the kitchen . None of my men would eat anything that was touched by a Jew , no matter how tasty . " As I turned to leave , Piorkowski told the guard that , after he brought me back to the kitchen , he could go about his regular duties . " I don 't think our new baker will try to escape because , if he did , then I 'd have to have him shot . " To me he said , " The head cook will tell you what you need to know . I 've instructed him to give you one meal a day , regular rations . We don 't want you getting too weak to make your wonderful strudel . " As I bent to pick up the tray with the remaining strudels , he told me to leave it . Then as an afterthought , he said , " Keep clean . I will give orders allowing you to shower every day . And when your uniform is soiled , ask for a clean one . I do not want dirt or lice falling onto what you bake . " I nodded , and the guard and I started out , but before we got to the door , Piorkowski asked , " How are you with pfeffernüsse ? " I told him I was the best with anything he wanted baked , including spice cookies . When I answered him , there was a slight edge to my voice . I was still disappointed at not being released . His smile was quickly replaced with a frown . " Never use that tone of voice with me again or I 'll send you back to the mountain . Now get to work ! " I was brought back to the kitchen and placed in the hands of the head cook . He informed me of my duties . His main concern was bread . There were 1500 camp personnel , mostly SS , but there were also , as I have said , some Wehrmacht . He would need 1000 loaves per day . Of course , it was also going to be my duty to make desserts . Unless ordered by the commandant to produce a particular dessert , he would leave the decision of what to prepare up to me . He was a nice man , a sergeant in the Wehrmacht . He treated me as an equal the entire time I worked in his kitchen . His name was Joseph Müller . It was late in the afternoon , and there would be no more baking that day . They fired the ovens at 3 : 00 a . m . and that was when my day would begin . It would not end until I had everything baked for the evening meal , usually between 4 : 00 and 5 : 00 p . m . After he had finished showing me around and told me what was expected of me , I told him that I could not come up with 1000 loaves of bread per day and desserts for 1500 men twice a day , every day , without some help . Sgt . Müller said he had detailed six men to help me . He had told them to do what I said and pay no attention to the fact that I was a prisoner . It was the first time in five months that I had been treated like a human being and it brought a tear to my eye . Unlike Auschwitz and Buchenwald , Dachau was not a death camp . It was a camp for political prisoners . Many died , but the deaths were mostly from disease and starvation . I felt guilty eating my one meal a day in the kitchen while my fellow prisoners lined up for their meager meal of watered - down soup . We were always hungry , but I had it a little better than the other prisoners . That is why , one afternoon when my work was done , I smuggled two loaves of bread from the kitchen and brought them to my barracks . My intent was to feed a few poor souls . But when the people saw what I had , a riot broke out . People were shoving and stepping over one another to get to me . The loaves were wrenched from my hands before I was five steps into the barracks . Of course , with all the commotion , the guards came in , and when they saw what was happening and what had caused the disturbance , I was brought before Piorkowski . " So that is how you repay my kindness ? " Without waiting for an answer , he went on . " One more incident like we had this afternoon , I will hang you in the yard and your body will stay there until it rots . It will serve as a reminder to the other prisoners that my will is law , and anyone who breaks my law will suffer a similar fate . " He then calmed down , and in a softer voice , he said , " Seeing as how you love your fellow prisoners so much , you can eat with them for the next four days . After that , you can go back to your meal in the kitchen . I don 't want you too weak to work . " When I returned to the barracks , no one would look me in the eye or speak with me . They were ashamed for the way they had acted and resentful of me for being the cause of their shame . But I could not blame them . Hunger is a terrible thing . To be hungry day in and day out , with no relief in sight , will take away one 's humanity . Six other commandants followed Piorkowski , and they all kept me baking my breads and strudels . That is how I survived Dachau . I did not starve to death because I ate relatively well . Besides my daily meal , I snuck cheese and fruits meant for the strudels and a piece of bread now and then . I had to be careful because , if caught , I 'd be reported . Sgt . Müller knew what I was doing , but as I 've said before , he was a good man . I did not succumb to disease because of my diet and the fact that I was allowed to shower daily . The commandant and the SS officers left in the morning ; the Americans came in the afternoon . The first thing the Americans did once they had control of the camp was separate the men of the Wehrmacht from the SS . Then they stood forty - five men of the SS up against a wall and executed them . At the time , I did not speak English , but a prisoner who did told me why the SS were shot . A half mile from the camp , the Americans had come upon railroad cars that were locked and standing idle . When the cars were opened , there lay two thousand dead Jews . They had been left locked in the cars with no water or food for three weeks . Many of the Americans retched from the smell of feces and rotting flesh . Many more were sick just from the horrible sight . So , when the Americans liberated our camp , they were not feeling too kindly towards members of the SS . In fact , they stood around and watched , and did not interfere , when prisoners who were not too weak or too sick attacked SS guards that had been rounded up and herded into the roll - call yard . When the SS men were dead , one man who took part in the killings came towards me holding a shovel , shouting that I was a Nazi - lover . He would have struck me , but another prisoner came between us . He held up his hand and said , pointing to me , " This man has done nothing against any of us . He did what he had to do to survive . You were not here at the time , but , at great risk to himself , he brought bread to us . He was found out and told that he would be executed if he did it again . What would you have done differently , my friend ? " The man dropped the shovel , buried his face in his hands and cried . I think he was crying because at last the horror was over and once again he could live as a human being and not as a feral animal . We could not leave the camp because the war was still raging all around us . The Americans were fighting their way to Berlin . My mother was in Berlin and I wanted to see her again so badly . We could not leave , but we were fed three meals a day , and the Americans brought in medical personnel to treat the sick . Half the camp was down with typhus . The war ended about two weeks later when Admiral Dönitz unconditionally surrendered . Hitler had appointed him head of state in his will . We were free to leave the camp , but before we could go , we had to queue up and get a card stating that we were ex - prisoners . This was done because many SS men had discarded their uniforms and were claiming to be either civilians or ex - soldiers of the Wehrmacht . There was no train service because the tracks had all been bombed . So I started walking to Berlin . It was a three - hundred - and - fifty - mile walk . Along the way , I saw what the war - or more to the point - what Hitler had done to our country . There was devastation of one sort or another in all the cities . The countryside for the most part looked untouched . But wherever I went , people were hungry . And so was I . I stole vegetables from some farms and received handouts from others . There was no food to be had in the towns or the cities , at least not for me . I was stopped numerous times by allied soldiers . Even though I had the card stating I was an ex - prisoner , I was asked on more than one occasion to remove my coat and shirt and raise my arms . The soldiers were looking for the tattoo of the SS . All SS men had the symbol tattooed on the inside of their biceps . Some soldiers let me pass without checking for the tattoo because of my thin frame . It was obvious that I had not been eating very well or very much for a long while . All members of the SS were well fed . It took me eighteen days to reach the outskirts of Berlin . I thought I had seen devastation on my journey , but I was not prepared for what I beheld as I walked the streets of Berlin . The city had been thoroughly destroyed . There was not a building left intact , and the people were walking around in a state of shock . I went right to my former home to find only a crater and half of a wall standing where my house should have been . My mother was nowhere to be seen . I prayed that she had not been in the building when the bomb struck . I spent the rest of the day walking the streets looking for my mother before I had to stop because of darkness . I found a cellar that was unoccupied . Even though the floor was rough and hard , I slept through the night . I was awakened by an excited clamor up in the street . It was the sound of many people talking all at once . I brushed the dust off my clothes and went to see what was happening . There was a line of people waiting to be fed . At the front of the line were American soldiers ladling out what looked to be soup . I hurriedly got to the end of the line and asked the man in front of me what was going on . " Isn 't it obvious ? The Americans are feeding us so that we don 't devolve into cannibalism , " he said with a slight grin on his face . He went on to tell me that twice a day , at various locations , they dished out just enough food to keep a person alive . Then he looked at my empty hands and added , ' Unless you are going to carry your soup in those , I would recommend you find a bowl somewhere . " By then there were about twenty people behind me and I hated to give up my place , but he was right , so I left the line . I had to go only a block . In a destroyed building , on the ground floor , I saw an exposed kitchen . I moved bricks around until I unearthed a pie tin . Next , I looked for a spoon . I was throwing bricks aside as fast as I could . I was in a panic that the soup would run out before I could get back . Then I found what I was looking for . There was only one problem . The spoon was attached to a woman 's hand - a dead woman 's hand . It was all that I could see . The rest of her body was buried under a pile of bricks . I had seen many a dead body over the last five years , so one more did not shock me . And I am ashamed to say it , but I took the spoon from her cold , dead hand and hurried back to the food line without giving her another thought . As I said , hunger is a terrible thing and a man will do terrible things to alleviate the pain . That was my life for the next month . I would line up twice a day for something to eat , usually soup . When I wasn 't in line , I would search for my mother . At night , I slept in an air raid shelter with two hundred other displaced Berliners . The occupiers had converted all the shelters into sleeping quarters . Unless you were extremely sick , you were not allowed to be there during the day . On all the light posts were notices put up by people looking for lost family members . I borrowed a pencil from a nice woman and found some paper that I tore into four pieces . I wrote my name , my mother 's name , and a short message on each piece , saying that she should meet me at the house where we used to live . I then placed one of them on the wall left standing at our old house and the other three on different light posts around the city . For as long as I was in Berlin , I went every day to where our house had stood , even long after my plaintive notices had blown away . It wasn 't long before the Americans told us that all able - bodied people would have to work if they wanted to eat . I was given a wheelbarrow and told to collect bricks and deposit them in neat stacks at a certain location . I wasn 't the only one doing so . Men and women all over Berlin were doing the same thing . I think the work that the Americans had us do was as much about keeping us occupied as it was about cleaning up Berlin . But there was no shortage of bricks , and I kept busy in that fashion for the next five months . At the end of each day , I was given a piece of paper that allowed me to get in the workers ' line for food ; a little more food was doled out there than at the other food lines . After six months in Berlin , I had given up hope of ever finding my mother . If she were alive , she would have been at our old house waiting for me long before I even got back to the city . It was time to get on with my life . I was a baker , not a brick picker - upper . And as things were , there was no need of my services in Berlin , nor would there be for the foreseeable future . By the time I came to that decision , some of the railroad tracks had been repaired , and there was limited train service , but only for commercial reasons . I hid in an open car that was carrying coal and heading northwest . The train stopped in Cuxhaven , a small seaport town on the North Sea . On the spur of the moment , I decided I would try to get to another country . Germany had been destroyed and , without my mother , there was nothing to keep me there . But first , I would need some money . I had been working on the docks for a little over six months when I decided that I wanted to go to America . But I did not have enough saved for my passage . I worked hard and I got to know a few of the captains that frequented the port . One captain in particular , Captain Hans Becker . One day he invited me to come to his cabin when the loading of his ship was completed . " Come and have a glass of schnapps with me when you are done , " he bellowed from the bridge . I took a sip of my schnapps and thought for a moment before answering . " I cook for myself every night . I do not waste money eating out . I am saving for my passage to America . " " I don 't see why not . I am able - bodied and can support myself . It is a big country . I am sure they can use one more baker . " Hans poured me another glass of schnapps and said , " I am sailing for America in two days , and I need a cook . If you agree not to poison my crew with your cooking , you can sign on . We will be in America for two weeks before returning . It will give you a chance to see if you like the country , and you will be earning the whole way there and back with no expenses for lodging or food . You will be able to put more away than if you stayed here . " It was a fast crossing . We pulled into New York Harbor just seven days after leaving Cuxhaven . The customs people came on board before we had even finished tying our lines to the dock . They checked Hans ' paperwork and when they saw that he was carrying industrial parts from the IG Farben Company as part of the war reparations , we were quickly documented and told to enjoy ourselves while in the city of New York . IG Farben was the company that made the poison gas used in the death camps . At first I had trouble adjusting to the tall buildings . I had never seen anything like them before , except in the moving pictures that came from America prior to the war . I soon began to love the city . Whenever I had the time , I would walk the streets and observe the people . They were all so intent with their lives . Rushing to wherever it was they were going . I wondered if they knew how lucky they were that the war had not affected America as it had Germany . One day while walking in a part of the city that I later learned was known as Little Germany , I happened upon a bakery . The smells coming from inside reminded me of Herr Hoffman 's shop . I went in not knowing how I was going to make myself understood . At the time , I still spoke no English . However , I need not have worried . The shop was empty but for a man behind the counter who asked me , in German , what I would like . I told him I was just over from the Fatherland and it was good to hear my native tongue spoken in America . When he heard that I had been in Germany just a week earlier , he asked me to sit down at a little table by the window and excused himself . He was back in less than a minute with two cups of coffee and a plate of cinnamon cookies . He had seen newsreels and read the papers . He wanted to know all about how things were back home . He asked if it was true that Germany had been totally destroyed . I told him what I had seen from one end of the country to the other , especially what had been done to Berlin . He sat there and listened without interruption and without touching his coffee . As soon as I had finished speaking , he took my cup , went behind the counter and refilled it . When he sat down again , he asked about me personally . Was I immigrating to America ? What had I done during the war , and a thousand other questions . We talked the afternoon away . By the time I realized that I would be late getting back to the ship , I had learned that he was a Jew and had left Germany two years after Hitler came to power . He had seen the handwriting on the wall . And I told him that , like him , I was a baker . He said he had things he wanted to talk to me about , but I didn 't have the time right then , so I agreed to come back to his shop the following day . The baker 's name was Herman Klein . He would turn out to be the best friend I would ever have . I arrived early the next day , and the shop was busy . There were at least fifteen people in line and Herr Klein could not serve them fast enough . When I saw one lady get frustrated at the wait and walk out , I joined Herr Klein behind the counter and helped him serve his customers . At last , the shop was empty . Herr Klein poured two cups of coffee , and we resumed our seats by the window . After blowing on his coffee to cool it a bit , he said to me , " If you would like to stay here in America , I think I can fix it for you . I can vouch for you and tell the authorities that you have a job with me so that you will not be a burden on the people of this great country . And when they find out that you were in one of the camps , they are bound to let you stay . " " My wife died before I left Germany , and I have no children . I 'm over - working myself and I could use some help , but good bakers are hard to come by . If you come in with me and we get along , I will give you a 25 % partnership in my business after six months . " When it was my turn to talk , I could think of nothing to say . I desperately wanted to take him up on his offer , but I had a commitment to Hans . I told Herman that I would have to discuss the matter with my captain , but whatever the outcome , I wanted him to know that I was deeply moved by the proposition . That night , Hans only laughed when I told him that I did not think I could stay in America because it would leave him without a cook . " Listen , my friend . You would be a fool not to take Herr Klein 's offer . The crossing is seven days ; I think we can manage that long without a cook . The men can take turns doing the honors . It might be interesting to see what they come up with . " That is how I ended up in America . I was allowed to stay because I had money , a job , and a sponsor . Herman was right - having been a prisoner did help my case . When I showed the man who was interviewing me the card stating that I had been at Dachau , I saw something in his eyes , something sad . Herman taught me English and when I was proficient enough , I took the citizenship classes to learn about this wonderful country and its history . Six months to the day after I started working for him , Herman gave me a 25 % interest in the bakery . It was official ; his lawyer had drawn up the papers . I became a proud citizen of the United States on 9 February 1947 . I was forty - nine years old . Herman and I worked together for ten years . He was nineteen years older than I and in the fall of 1957 when he was seventy - eight , Herman announced that he could take the cold no longer and was retiring to Florida . He sold me his interest in the shop , but no cash changed hands . Our agreement was that I would send him a check every month to cover his expenses with a little left over . If I sold the shop , then I would send him his percentage of the proceeds . This time there was no lawyer involved . It was a handshake deal . Two years later , Herman died in his sleep . . . two days after his eightieth birthday . I was listed as his next - of - kin and was duly notified of his passing . I closed the shop for a few days and flew to Florida to bury my friend under the warm Florida sun . I was sixty - one - years - old . I ran the shop until I was eighty - five . Of course , I had help . I trained a young man to be a master baker and ended up selling him the shop with no money down . He sent me a check every month for ten years . I told you the story of my life so that anyone who hears these words will understand that I know whereof I speak . I lived through two of the worst periods in human history . And they took place only twenty years apart . The first , of course , being what was then known as the Great War . I saw the carnage first hand . In that war , nine million men were slain . The second occurrence of man 's inhumanity to man was the second great war . Sixty million men , women , and children died in that war , including the eleven million human beings that perished in the concentration camps . To my point : All that suffering and all those deaths came about because of fear . I was young at the time , but I remember the election of 1912 . The left - wing Social Democratic Party made huge gains in that election . The right - wing Prussians feared a loss of power and started agitating for war to distract the populace . Terms like " nationalism " and " territorial rights " were used . We Germans began to fear that there was not enough land . We felt that we had to take land from others so that we would have enough for ourselves . It is ironic , or maybe not , but that is the same argument Hitler used when he had his army march into Czechoslovakia . He wanted land for the German people . All wars are fought because of fear . Hitler did not hate the Jews , he feared them . He feared the left - wingers , and he feared anyone that was not just like him . Unfortunately , there were too many people in Germany at that time that had the same fears . That is how concentration camps come about . Concentrate those who are different from you behind fences of barbed wire . In Germany , we gave up our civil liberties through the Enabling Act because of fear . The Reichstag had just been torched , and we were all fearful . Fearful of what , we were not quite sure . We were definitely afraid of the Jews , but our other fears were not so self - evident . We believed our leaders knew best , so we allowed them to take our freedoms in the hope that they would protect us . And once you give up your rights to a government - any government - it is very hard to get them back . Here in America , this beautiful adopted land of mine , we gave up our civil liberties after 9 / 11 through the Patriot Act , another act that was born of fear . Like the Enabling Act , it was supposed to lapse after four years . And like the Enabling Act , it is not going anywhere . In Germany , it was the Jews . Now many of us here fear Muslims . I am not saying that America is on the verge of another Hitler . What I am saying - and this is from an old man on his way out who has seen it all and lived it all - what I am saying is this : Come from a place of love , not fear . I am one hundred and three years old as I speak these words , and I can still get around . I walked to a pawnshop not far from where I live and bought this recorder . It is a cassette recorder . The man in the store told me they were obsolete , so he gave me a good price . I bought it to say just one thing . I have to say it now because tomorrow I will be either in heaven or in hell , I do not know which , but wherever I am , you will not be able to hear my words . So I speak them into this microphone to be placed on a tape , and I pray that someone , someday , somewhere will hear them . Not only hear my words , but also heed them . This is what I spent the better part of an hour getting to : There is only love and fear . That is all . All negative emotions come from fear ; jealousy , hatred , greed , just to name a few . Fear of not having enough , fear of not being loved enough , fear of someone that is different from us , fear of someone who worships a different God than we do . There is only fear and love . I tell you : Live your life with love . The kind of love a mother has for her child . The kind of love that a man has who jumps in front a bullet to save his friend ; love like Mother Teresa had for the poor of this world , the love that Jesus had when he laid down his life . Michael and I grew up together . We went through grade school together . Then on to high school , where together we stayed . Neither of us wanted to pursue a " higher " education , so we decided to travel to broaden ourselves , as the terminology was in those days . At that time , we thought good would always win out over evil . But we were yet to be taught our lessons of the real world . Evil does sometimes triumph over good . Michael James was six feet tall . He had straight blonde hair and blue eyes . The bluest eyes I ever did see . If limpid means clear as I think it does , then Michael 's eyes were limpid pools of blue . The color was that of the sky , perhaps a little lighter with flecks of yellow throughout the irises . Upon meeting Michael for the first time one was taken aback by his eyes . They did not bore into your soul - they lit up your life . Then there was his smile . I had known Michael for many years and I don 't think I ever saw him without that shit - eatin ' grin on his puss . And that grin , and its persistence , was amazing , given the fact that Michael suffered from a skin problem . He had large red patches on his skin , including his face . They came and went . I thought the name of the disease was psoriasis , but of that I am not certain . Michael had no mother . She died when he was quite young . . . before I knew him . He had no siblings ; he was reared by his father , which is probably the reason I am alive today . By that , I mean he was raised to be a man . He was taught " The Code " of real men , which is : You do what you have to do . Though we both had the travel bug , my case was more pronounced than his . During the summer between our junior and senior years of high school , I took off and bounced around the country while Michael held down the fort , so to speak . When I returned to finish my last year of school ( at that time I still bought into the myth that you needed at least a high school education to survive in the world ) , I regaled Michael with tales of my adventures . Well , after hearing what a wonderful world awaited us out there , Michael could not wait to hit the road . He wanted to leave immediately , but seeing as how I had just come in from a three - month run , I prevailed upon him to wait a few months and allow me to at least try to get my diploma . He said he would wait , but he did not , or he could not . Within six weeks of my return , Michael was on the road . Michael was hip , and the only place for a hip guy to migrate in 1968 was San Francisco . And that was the end of Michael 's roaming . He fell in love with the city . I endured my senior year as long as I could , but two weeks short of graduation I said , " The hell with it ! " , stuck out my thumb and headed for San Francisco to rendezvous with my friend . This will tell you something about my friend Michael : He always had a place to live out there , and never paid rent . People were always asking him home , and once there , he just moved in . They were always glad to have him . And when I would hit town , he 'd take me to wherever he was living and tell me to make myself at home . The person who actually owned the domicile never looked askance when he brought me through the door , they all loved Michael , and any friend of Michael 's . . . For the most part , Michael stayed in San Francisco . I , however , could not stay in one town for more than a few days . I was like a pinball , rebounding from coast to coast , and from Canada to Mexico . While on the road I was alive . When on the road , I interacted with humanity and had to live by my wits . I loved being on the road . Because of Michael 's reluctance to leave San Francisco , I had two homes , one on each coast . My mother 's in Miami , and wherever the hell Michael was staying at the moment in San Francisco . On one of my forays to San Francisco , I was introduced to Linda , the love of Michael 's life - his soul mate . They had met at a Clint Eastwood marathon . A movie house was playing the three Sergio Leone films . You know , A Fist Full of Dollars , For a Few Dollars More , and The Good , the Bad , and the Ugly … non - stop , twenty - four hours a day . Michael had a bag of Red Acid , and in 1969 , what girl wouldn 't swoon toward a man who was into Clint Eastwood and had a bag of LSD ? It was love at first sight . Now that Michael had himself a woman , he got his own digs . Every time I hit town they were living in a new place . It wasn 't always easy to find them , but somehow we would always meet up on Haight Street . I stayed with them on Geary in the Tenderloin . We stayed south of Market in the low rent district , we stayed across from Golden Gate Park , and at the end , we were again in the Haight - Asbury district . One thing I must tell you about Michael so you can get a sense of the man . And yes , he was a man ; though we were the same age , he was a man , while I was just a kid . I think Michael knew he did not have much time in this world . He could not wait for anything . Back then , we were doing acid all the time . Normally , you would swallow a pill and wait for it to take effect . But not Michael . The twenty minutes or so that it took was just too long for him . He had to shoot the acid into his vein to get off instantaneously . Of course Linda and I would have to follow suit or there would be no peace . And in those days , I just did not have it in me to stick myself with a needle . Michael did the honors . The last time I came into San Francisco and saw Michael and Linda was in 1970 , it was July . They were living in the Haight . It was a crummy neighborhood ; the Summer of Love was three years gone by then . All the shops on Haight Street were boarded up with sheets of plywood , and the denizens of the street were the leftovers from that long ago summer . True to form , it was not Michael 's apartment he took me to ; he and Linda were living with a guy named Bobby . Bobby was a likable enough fellow . He just didn 't know bad men when he met them . Bobby had set up a " drug " deal to buy two pounds of marijuana . Nowadays it seems ridiculous to term buying two pounds of pot a drug deal , but in those days , that was heavy shit . It was my first night in town and we were sitting in Bobby 's pad smoking a joint when Michael told me he was going to be a father . I looked over at Linda , she was radiant , and she was also blushing . I was just about to say something appropriate when the door crashed open , and two guys burst through the entrance . They were the assholes that Bobby was supposed to buy the pot from . Only one of them had a gun , but that was enough for us . When told to lie on the floor , we did so without protest . They then said to Bobby , " Where 's the cash ? " Bobby answered , " In my pocket . " The guy covering us with the gun told the other guy to get the money . Bobby , trying to be helpful , reached into his jeans pocket and pulled out a wad of cash . Then it seemed like a lot of money , but now , as I look back on that night , it couldn 't have been more than $ 500 . 00 . Before I could think of anything to do , Michael bounded to his feet and rushed the guy with the gun . When I saw Michael go into action , it released me from my paralysis , but not soon enough to help Michael . He took a bullet to the chest . While Michael was being shot , I picked up a lamp from a table and smashed it over the gunman 's head while his partner stood frozen in place . The man with the gun went down hard and the gun fell from his hand . All this went down fast ; in a blur , I did not have time to think . I picked up the gun from the floor while the other guy still stood frozen . Obviously they were not professionals , though , at the moment , that did not enter into my thinking . I aimed the gun at the one standing and shot him dead with two shots . Then I turned to the one on the floor . He was moving and about to get up when I put a bullet into his head . By the time the second one fell to the floor , Linda was bent over Michael . I dropped the gun and went to them . He looked at her and smiled , then he looked at me and said , " Get her out of here . " We both , Linda and I , said at the same time , " No ! " Then Michael died . It took me a full minute , which at the time felt like an eternity , to make a decision . I grabbed Linda by the arms and pulled her into a standing position . She was numb . I told her we had to get out of there ; that this was a drug deal gone bad , and there were dead bodies - four of them ! I told her prison was no place to have a baby , and Michael knew that . That is why he wanted her out of there . I told Linda to collect everything of hers and Michael 's that could identify them . I had the presence of mind to wipe the gun clean , but not to pick up the cash lying on the floor . Linda could have used it ; she had a baby on the way . I took Michael 's wallet . He had never been arrested so I knew they couldn 't identify him by his fingerprints . After I had Michael 's wallet , and while Linda went about collecting her things , I took the time to vomit all over Bobby 's carpet . It was , after all , the first time I had killed . We left Michael and never looked back . Though it wasn 't actually Michael we left , only the body that housed that wonderful , brave man . Linda 's folks lived in New Jersey , so I hitchhiked with her to the east coast . She was in a state of shock , and because Michael 's last words , though not implicit , were to look after her , that is what I did . After getting her to her parents , I stayed in the northeast for the next seven months . I kept moving , but would drop in to see her every few weeks . Seven months later , when the baby was born , I was there . I was there for my friend Michael . It was a boy and I was asked to be his godfather . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! Email check failed , please try again Sorry , your blog cannot share posts by email . % d bloggers like this : |
Several Weeks passed and the days got colder and colder . Winter would soon be upon them . It was during this time of year that Rat and Dart were especially glad they shared a cot ; they were able to help each other stay warm . One night , while everyone else was asleep and the only sound was music and laughter from the bar room , Rat couldn 't sleep . Over and over he heard that man , Mr . Horace , saying , " I could lose everything . " Was the wallet really that important to the man ? Rat shifted uncomfortably . Dart nodded , his little eyes filled with compassion . " Sometimes I don 't sleep either . ' Cause I got questions . And I lay here and I think about them . " Dart was quiet a minute . Then he said , " I 've got questions ' bout my mama , I do . I don 't like it , ' cause I don 't ' member what she looked like . But I ' member that she used to sing . She used to sing ' bout a man named Jesus . " " I don 't remember my mama at all . " Rat whispered , " But I have to have had one , so Dusty says . He says everybody has to have one . " " Jesus . " Dart said , as if Rat should know . " The man my mama used to sing ' bout . " He smiled a sleepy smile . " He saved us by dyin ' so we won 't hafta . " His eyes closed . " Oh . " Rat wasn 't sure what Dart meant . It didn 't make any sense to him . But he was curious . " What else did your mama sing ' bout ? " But Dart didn 't answer . He was sound asleep with a smile on his face , even though his chest rattled . Rat pulled the sleeves of his sweater down over his hands . He rubbed them together , trying to gather warmth . He had to blink away the rain from his eyes . His cap was so wet that it felt twice as heavy on his head . The rain had poured down all morning , and so far Rat hadn 't cleaned a single chimney . Dart whimpered and snuggled closer to Rat 's side . He had taken their empty coal sacks and wrapped them around himself , but he still shivered uncontrollably . " Do ya think Baker Tom will let us stand over his gratin ' ? " he asked . Rat nodded . The grating in front of Tom 's bakery was always warm , and the jolly man never cared if they stood over it a minute . But Rat didn 't like to allow himself the pleasure , because the smell of all the delicious things Tom made also came up the grating . The torture to his stomach almost made the warmth not worth it . The two of them begun to shuffle through the rain in the direction of the bakery . Ever so often Rat would through back his head and call , " Soot ! Soot ! " The chimney sweeps advertising call . Dart would follow with a call of his own . But his " Soot " would come out more like a squeak , and then he would double over with a cough attack . Rat wished Dart would just stay quiet and let him do all the calling . But he didn 't want to hurt Dart 's feelings by saying so . " Hello , Rat . Good day , Dart . " Rat looked up and saw Konnor , a newspaper boy who always sold his papers at the corner by the bakery . Rat liked Konnor . Most of the newspaper boys thought themselves above the chimney sweeps , but Konnor seemed to think they were on the same level and was always friendly . " Ifn ' it keeps like this we 'll be goin ' home with empty sacks tonight . " Rat shivered . Peter was never very happy when they came home with empty coal sacks . After all , he made his money by selling the old coal from the chimneys they cleaned . " Aw , keep your chin up . " said Konnor , " The days only half over . You still have a chance . " He turned back to the crowd , held up a paper and called , " Get your paper here ! Only five cents ! " Rat sighed and followed Dart to the grating . Dart stood over it and let out a little cry of happiness as the warm air flowed over him . Rat breathed deep , and then wished he hadn 't . The Delicious aroma was almost more then he could take . Peter never fed them anything fancy . And never anything sweet . Never anything , really , except the stew and porridge that was provided in abundance . Rat felt Mr . Horace 's wallet inside his clothing . He kept it with him always . With that money he could buy Dart and himself a whole bundle of sweets . The thought made his mouth water . But try as he might he couldn 't think of the money as his to spend . He still thought of it as Mr . Horace 's money . " Come on , Dart . " Rat mumbled , " We better get back to work . " He hadn 't gone more then five steps before an old woman beckoned to him from her doorway . He recognized her as a lady he had worked for before . And he also remembered that he didn 't like her . She was cross and gruff . Last time she had sent him up a chimney that was still much to warm from the fire and he had burned blisters on both his knees . Dusty always warned about hot chimney flues . But it was a job and Rat never turned anyone down . " You there . Come here . I have a chimney that needs doin ' . " Her voice was deep and crackled . Rat felt Dart tense beside him . " Come on , Dart . " Rat whispered , " It 'll be warm in her house . " That encouraged Dart , and the two of them hurried into the house . It was warm inside , but old Mrs . Crackle Voice didn 't give them time to enjoy it . She hurried them through several rooms before finally coming to a sitting room . The furniture was covered with sheets for protection from the ash and soot that would fall while they were sweeping the chimney . Rat was concerned as soon as they came into the room . The fire had just been dowsed . Smoke still drifted up from the ash . He knew it was way to hot to go up the flue . He kneeled beside the hearth and stuck in his head . The flue was also very small . Small and hot . He didn 't like it at all . Dart shook out the sacks and laid them beside the hearth . He coughed a hard dry cough , then lifted his chimney broom . " Naw , I 'll do it , Dart . " Rat said , waving Dart away . Dart shook his head . He knew Rat was just trying to protect him , and he didn 't like . Besides , he was smaller and could fit better . " I can do it . " Dart pulled his cap down over his face to protect his nose and eyes and started up the chimney , pushing his brush ahead of him . Rat heard him whimper several times before he disappeared . Soot and ash cascaded down . Rat knelt near by and watched the dust float out . He knew Dart would cough all night and not be able to sleep . Dusty would probably have to treat some burns as well . Suddenly the soot stopped falling . But Rat knew it was way too soon for Dart to have reached the top . Everything was too still . Rat jumped up and ran to the fireplace . " You all right , Dart ? " he called up the chimney . He heard a sobbing , choking sound . Rat knew what had happened . Dart had gotten his knees wedged in between his body and the wall . Rat tried to see up the dark chimney . Then he turned to Mrs . Crackle Voice , " He 's goin ' off ! Quick , get somebody ! " But the chimney was cramped and hot . Pain shot through Rat 's shoulders , elbows and knees . Being extra careful not to pull his knees too high made him slow . He wondered with awe how Dart had managed to make it up as high as he did . Finally Rat felt Dart 's body above him . " I 'm here , Dart . Can ya hear me ? " He positioned his knees and back against the walls to hold himself up . The heat was so bad he could barely make himself stay . He wanted to drop down and scramble to safety . Completely blind in the darkness , Rat felt around with his hands , struggling in the tight quarters . What he felt clogged his throat with unvoiced sobs . Dart 's knees were pulled all the way up to his chin . He was quite solidly wedged in . " Come on , Dart . Try movin ' a little . See if ' n ya can wiggle free . " He pulled on Dart 's coat hem . Coal dust filled Rat 's nose and throat and he coughed . Then he realized that Dart was too quiet . He wasn 't coughing , he wasn 't whimpering . He wasn 't anything ! Rat felt around desperately . But his fingers couldn 't find any hope anywhere . One of his sobs escaped and the tears began to flow down his cheeks . " Please Dart ! Try . Just try ! " He gripped Dart 's coat and hung his full weight on it , trying to pull him free . Dart did not move . Rat didn 't want to leave Dart but he did as the man said . The sitting room now held two police men . Mrs . Crackle Voice was standing in the doorway , scowling . " Step back now , Son . Let me look . " and the big policeman leaned into the fireplace with a lamp . Rat wondered how they were going to get Dart out . There was no way the two men would fit up the chimney . The big policeman beckoned to the other and they whispered together . Then the other one said to Rat , " Come along , boy . " He began to leave the room . " Ain ' tcha gonna get Dart out ? " Rat 's voice squeaked with desperation . " Yes , we will . But you need to come with me . " The policemen said kindly . Rat wasn 't convinced . He did not want to leave the room . But he decided he had no choice and let himself be led away . The policeman brought him to the kitchen and sat him on a stool . Then he left Rat there alone . Rat 's tears made paths down his filthy face . What would Dusty say when he found out Rat had let Dart go up a hot chimney ? Dusty wouldn 't have let Dart go . Dusty would have stood up to Mrs . Crackle Voice and told her that they couldn 't sweep the chimney until it had cooled . I was tagged by Daminika Stenersen @ Walking In The Sonshine . I think this will be super fun , but I don 't know how good I will be at it ! ; ) Note : These aren 't my " favorites " ; they are what make me happy . Some of my favorites ( movies and books ) are sad . ; ) So much excitement for Christmas ! The game of hiding presents , the preparation for overnight visitors , the fun of decorating . Nothing compares to the wonder of this season and the celebration of Jesus ' birth ! I know , I know , I 've been neglecting this blog lately . My deepest apologies ! I 'll try to catch you up on my life real quick . I was offered a job several months ago and have been enjoying the freedom of money ! : P It 's a clerical job . I didn 't know that it was called that until last week when I dug in the employee files : D . But anyway , I mostly handle the lower jobs no one else wants to do ; Stuffing envelopes , filing invoices , adding up royalties ect . I also keep the bathroom clean , the floor swept , and the desks dust free . Well , mostly dust free anyway . Except when the days get long I really enjoy it ! The people there are fun . We can really get to goofing off sometimes . But the work does get done . : ) I have also been taking Drivers Ed . with my brother and a friend . I really like my drive instructor , and although the classes can often be boring I do learn from them . My drive instructor told me he thinks I 'll pass the drive test with no problem . I hope he 's right ! I 've already been planning Christmas presents . I made a list of what I want to give each person . Then I had to write one of what I can afford to give them . : P I wanted to make a lot of the presents , but I don 't know if I have time ! I am now teaching the Kindergarten Sunday school class at church . I really enjoy it ! The kids are eager to please and quick to learn . I think they are such sweet hearts ! My dad and one of my brothers have gotten bucks this year . So excited for them ! We ate the heart and liver of the most recent one and they were actually quite good ! Much to my surprise . I am a right wing conservative , republican and a believer in the second amendment . I am anti - murder ( aka pro - life / against abortion ) . I believe in states rights . I am a christian . I have light hair , blue eyes . . . I am white . As a young earth creationist , I believe The LORD created the earth aproximitely 6 , 000 years ago . But evolutionist believe we humans came from ape - like creatures . They think whites are more evolved . If you believe that , as a white , you are somehow better than those who are dark , than you are being prideful . The Bible says that we are ALL sinners , saved by grace . No human can be better than another . God cares about our hearts , not our skin color . All humans , black or white , must come to a place of repentance before God . God is love . He created love ; He is the source of love . How can we , as christians , be unloving and say that it is right ? The Bible says that if you hate your brother than you are as bad as a murderer . If you hate a " lower " race , you are like a murderer . God is a loving god who wants all to be saved . If we hate someone of darker skin , they will in turn hate us . How can you share the gosple with someone who hates you , has no respect for you , wants nothing to do with you ? How can you bring another human to Christ if you despise them ? If you believe that God has saved you , than you should long to share this with others . You can not share love with someone you hate . I have heard this as an arguement for racism . To me this has no grounds . And anyway , why does it matter ? It goes back to pride . Are you prideful enough to believe that you are a better christian than the decendance of Cain ? To God it is your heart that matters , not your forefathers . Rat pressed his stomach close to the shingles of the roof . His heart was pounding in his ears . Who were those boys ? They obviously weren 't friendly , considering the way Dart was shaking with fear . Rat didn 't know what to do . He couldn 't get Dart away from those boys by himself . Should he go get Dusty ? But what if they carried Dart off ? Would he be able to find them again ? Rat forgot all about that man , Horace , and went straight home without skirting around the man . The sun had bid the city goodnight and the lamplighters had finished their job when Rat finally reached Peter 's tavern . The bar room was full of laughter and loud talking . Rat stumbled through the kitchen door panting for breath . Dusty and Billy jumped up from their seats by the fire . Arnie and Lane must have been ordered to bed , for they were not around . Rat took the dipper , but before drinking he managed to gasp out , " Dart 's in trouble . Some boys have ' im . Don 't know why . One kicked ' im , I saw it . " Then he drank the water while Billy poured forth questions . " How many boys ? Where they at ? Do ya think we should tell Peter ? " Rat took the lead once they were on the sky road . He was feeling a little hungry , since he hadn 't finished his supper , but he wasn 't about to let it show . A feeling of urgency filled his small chest . Rain began to drizzle down . The clouds hid the moon and stars . The only light to guide their way came from the street lamps . The rain caused the roofs with older shingles to become slippery . When they came to where Rat had left Dart the boys jumped down to the ground . The the corner where Dart had been was now dark and empty . His chimney broom still lay on the ground , forgotten . Dusty examind the hard ground , garbage bins and piles of packing crates . Billy 's red hair seemed to glow in the darkness as he lifted Dart 's broom and swung it up to his shoulder . Rat shivered and wrapped his arms about himself . The back street they were in seemed too narrow and the darkness was sufficatingly close . Rat shook the rain off his cap and nervously ran his fingers through his hair . " I 'm cold . " whispered Billy , " Rain is runnin ' down me back . " Rat and Billy looked at eachother . Was Dusty suggesting they go for a drink ? " That 's where Dart is . " Dusty further explained when he saw that his comrades were not getting it . " It was lyin ' over here , near where ya said Dart was . It 's clean to , see ? It 's new , so I know it ain 't been here long . I 'm a thinkin ' one of those sweeps dropped it when they was pickin ' on Dart . He probably had it ' cause they were on their way there . " " He ain 't here , is he ? " Dusty seemed to be getting a little irritated with all the questions . He was a good natured chap and had an amazing amount of forgiveness , but even the best of sorts don 't like their knowledge questioned . " Let 's see if the paper says . " said Dusty , reaching to take it from Billy . But the soggy paper ripped , and he left half behind in Billy 's hand . The three boys went off at a trot . It wasn 't at all hard to find the tavern . They could hear the loud music and laughter from several houses away . When they arrived at the front door Dusty hesitated . Rat and Billy looked at him questioningly . He smiled to reassure them , took a deep breath and went in . Billy propped Dart 's broom against the wall before following . Once inside Dusty again hesitated . All the tables seemed to be full with card playing men . At the very front of the room was the bar . All it 's stools were full as well . The only differance was the stools were crowded with boys , not men . " That them ? " Dusty asked Rat out of the corner of his mouth . Rat could only nod , his throat was too tight with fear to talk . The other boys far out numbered them . " Wet out there , it is . " proclaimed Dusty to the bartender as he came up to the counter . " Rain 's comin ' down harder and harder . " Then , completely ignore the local boys who were watching with strange smiles , he plunked a few coins on the counter , as if he were planning to buy a drink . Before the bartender could say anything , the nearest local boy dropped a heavy hand on Dusty 's shoulder . " Ya better take yer money back , Kid . " It was rather bold for him to call Dusty " kid " , considering that he was the younger of the two by at least two years . But Dusty did not seem to take offence . He laughed and turned to speak to Billy and Rat , affectively twisting out of the boy 's grasped without seeming to do it on purpose . " Come on , boys . He 's offering to pay for our drinks . " Rat and Billy came forward , attempting to look confident . Billy swung up on the only empty stool left and leaned casually against the counter . " Awfully kind o ' ya . " he said to the scowling boy . Turk shot them a look that silenced them , then he turned on Dusty with an unfriendly smile . " Listen , Kid . I ain 't jokin ' around . Take yer money and git . " " What are ya afraid of ? " asked Dusty , faining innocence , " Me , I ain 't gonna do nothin ' . I just dropped in for a drink , is all . Ain 't that right , boys ? " " Well . " said Turk , " Maybe that 's what ya came in for , and maybe it ain 't . But it don 't matter none to me . " He put his hand on Dusty 's shoulder again . " I want you to leave . " and he pushed Dusty back . Dusty stumbled a little , but he didn 't fall down . By now several of the men at the surrounding tables were noticing that something was up . The bartender had retreated into a corner , polishing a glass . He didn 't seem to want to become involved . Dusty 's eyes flashed angrily now , but he struggled to control it . " Look . " he stepped real close to Turk , but in a friendly way . " We didn 't come here to cause trouble . We came cause - " Dusty had hoped to find out where Dart was through carefully manuvered conversation . But obviously , Turk was not prone to be friendly . And still more obvious , the boys with him would follow his example . " Of course not ! " Rat cried indignantly , answering Turk 's question . " Dusty ain 't afraid of nothin ' . " He turned to Dusty , " Tell ' im Dusty . Tell ' im ya ain 't afraid to take on the whole bunch o ' them . " Several men chuckled at this and one yelled , " Someone buy that little fella a drink ! " Dusty pressed two fingers to his eyebrow . His only thought was to find out where Dart was and get back home . This was getting out of hand . Perhaps he was using the wrong tactics . " Look . " he said again , but his voice was no longer friendly , " I don 't wanna fight ya cause I got better things to do . " His eyes bore into Turk 's , " You wouldn 't happen to know where my friend Dart is , would ya ? " Dusty grabbed a fistful of Turk 's shirt front and dragged the younger boy of his stool , forcing him to stand against the counter . " If he 's hurt . . . " he paused a minute . Everyone seemed to be holding their breath . " You 'll suffer for it . " he finished . His eyes were shooting sparks . Billy and Rat watched him with wide eyes . Billy carefully moved so that he was in between them and Turk . He wasn 't much of a shield to hold off seven boys , some larger than himself , but it did help to give Turk a feeling of being without support . They hadn 't seemed very supportive of him in the first place . Turk jerked a thumb over his shoulder . " He 's out back in the woodshed . " Dusty jerked on the shirt a little and Turk flinched away , " He ain 't hurt bad , I swear . " Dusty released Turk and stepped back . " Come on , boys . " It was dark behind the tavern ; The light of the street lamps didn 't reach back there . But Dusty was able to find the delapitated woodshed with no problem . It was locked , but Rat climbed in the window and unlocked it from the inside . They found Dart lying on the dirt floor . He was shivering uncontrolably and whimpering . Dusty knelt down and touched his shoulder . " Hello , Dart . Ya okay ? " Dart sat up and threw his little arms around Dusty 's neck . Dusty hugged him back , not at all embarressed . In fact , Rat thought he saw tears on Dusty 's cheeks . But they might have been raindrops . " I was scared , Dusty . " Dart said , his voice muffled against Dusty 's neck . " Those boys said I was on their turf . I told them I didn 't know what they meant , and they all laughed and one kicked me , right here . " Dart backed away from Dusty and pulled his shirt up to reveal a large black and purple bruise on his ribcage . Rat kneeled down by his friend and gently touched the bruise . Anger burned inside him . What gave them the right to pick on Dart ? Dart never hurt anybody . He wished it had been him instead . He wasn 't much bigger than Dart , but at least he didn 't have lungs that rattled and made other funny noises . Dusty went to the door for a look . Dart curled on the floor and coughed while Rat patted his back . Rain was pounding on the roof and Rat wondered how Dart would stand the walk home . Dusty turned to Dart and lifted the small boy into his arms . Dart snuggled close for warmth . He was so small that it took very little effort to carry him . Billy wondered how they were going to get past the human road block , but he didn 't say anything . He went out first , followed by Dusty holding Dart . Rat whispered that he would meet them at home and disappeared around back of the shed . Dusty was not worried about him . He probably knew a way home that the rest of them couldn 't navigate in the rain and dark . Billy had been told to ignore the boys in their path , so he did . He walked right up to them as if they weren 't there . When he tried to push through they broke ranks and let him . Dusty followed in his wake . Their enemys made no effort to stop them . The only sound was the rain . Billy shoved his free hand into his pocket ; The other one was holding Darts chimney broom . " I 'm cold is all . " Then he took a good look at Dusty . " Yer shaking yerself . Yer knees are knockin ' ! " Rat was far ahead of them and almost home . He paused as he passed the house that that man , Horace had gone into . But it was only for a minute , and then he went on , struggling to put the man from his mind . Posted by The boy was skilled at moving about the crowded street and his small size made it easy . The man was not so skilled , but desperation helped him keep up with the boy . He simply needed his wallet ! The boy left the main street and darted down a back alley . Without a second thought the man followed . Without the many people to dodge the boy picked up speed , leaping over garbage bins and mud puddles . " Terribly sorry , Sir . Guess me leg got in your way . Help ya up ? " A skinny , soot covered lad of about fifteen years appeared out of the shadows . The gentleman watched him warily . He had no doubt that the boy had tripped him purposely . A friend of the little thief most likely . Nevertheless he allowed the red head to pull him to his feet . He grunted , brushed himself off , and left the alley as quickly as he could . " Thank Ya , Billy . " Billy looked down into two dark eyes , walking near his elbow . He was surprised to find the boy so near him , but of course , he didn 't let on . Then Billy remembered why he 'd been looking for Rat in the first place . " Ya ' bout done for the day ? Supper 's nearly ready , so Dusty says . " Rat 's stomach gave a growl of anticipation . The two boys then took to the chimney sweep 's Sky Road , otherwise known as the roof tops of London . High above the crowd that bustled and pushed on the streets below , the chimney sweeps could navigate around the whole city . Trotting quickly along the ridgepoles , it took the boys only eight minutes to reach Peter 's Tavern . It would have taken them twenty minutes on the main streets and fifteen through the back alleys . The Sky Road was jealously protected by the chimney sweeps , for fear that the crowd below would swarm up and ruin it for them . When they reached their destination , Billy and Rat slid silently down a water pipe to the ground . Then they dusted themselves off and headed for the back door of the tavern . They never entered through the front door unless they had money to pay for a drink , and they rarely did . " Hello , Billy . Rat . " Dusty was leaning against the door , his newsboy cap pulled down low . All the boys had an extreme respect for him . Always calm and cool headed , his quick thinking had saved many a chimney sweep . The boys liked Peter because he fed them well . But he was also prone to angry outbursts , and he was always so busy with the bar that he didn 't spend much time with them . Orchestrating the activities of the chimney sweeps had fallen mostly to young Dusty , with Peter pocketing all the profit . Lane and Arnie were just scraping the last of their food into their mouths when the back door opened and Dusty came in . He sat down with the boys without getting a bowl of stew . " Dart ain 't back yet . " he stated . The boys paused , spoons halfway to their mouths . Then Arnie shrugged and said , " Dart 's always late , he is . Like 's to dig in the garbage bins to see what he can find . He 'll be along soon , I say . " Dusty shook his head . " He is normally the last one in , but he 's never really late . I 'm sure he 'd usually be in by now . " " Should I go a lookin ' for ' im ? " asked Rat . He was the best of the boys at sneaking about the city and staying out of trouble . The gentleman Billy saved him from earlier was a rare exception . With a nod from Dusty , Rat jumped up , the bowl of food and his hunger forgotten . As he slipped out the door he heard Billy say confidently , " Rat will find ' im . " And Rat was confident that he would . Scampering up the water pipe to the roof top as easily as the rodent whose name he bore , he set off for Mr . Beckett 's . Mr . Beckett was one of Dart 's regulars clients and a good friend to all the boys . Rat wasn 't sure that Dart would be there , but it was the first place he 'd thought of . Mr . Beckett 's doorman , Norton , opened the door wide . Then he did the same with his eyes . " Sorry , Boy . The chimney flues have all been done . A little late , you are . " " Not here to do the chimneys , Norton . " Rat explained , " I 'm lookin ' for Dart . Disappeared , he has . Dusty 's wantin ' me to find ' im . " Norton shook his head . " Well , he ain 't here . Sure , he did the chimneys for Mr . Beckett . But I saw him leave with me own eyes , I did . Went thata way , " he pointed down the street , " a draggin ' his chimney brush . Real sick , he looked . Begged me for a drink o ' water ' fore he left . Havin ' trouble breathin ' seemed to me . He 's disappeared , ya say ? " Rat didn 't wait to answer Norton , but swung back up to the roof and headed in the direction the doorman had pointed . Mr . Beckett 's house was right on the edge of Peter 's un - declared territory . The boys rarely went past this block and further into town . Moving as fast as he dared without loosing his balance , Rat 's eyes scanned the terrain . He didn 't know the area he was in now . He was more then a few blocks farther away then he 'd ever been from Peter 's Tavern . Suddenly one of the men in the street caught Rat 's attention . It was the same gentleman who 's wallet he 'd taken ! He was standing with another finely dressed man . Rat slowed . He didn 't know why , but he wanted to know what the men was talking about . Silently , he crept closer , pulling his cap low so as not to be recognized should the men spot him . Horace shook his head , " I know , Terrance . " He rubbed a hand over his face . " It isn 't the money I 'm upset about . It wasn 't much anyway . I had some very important papers in that wallet . " He looked up at Terrance and his eyes were full of pain , " I could lose everything if I can 't find those papers . " Terrance looked shocked . " Oh . " he said , seeming to be at a loss for words . After a minute he said , " Perhaps you should come in , where we can talk . " The two men went inside . Rat crept away from the edge , sat down and pulled out the leather wallet . He hadn 't even looked in it since he 'd taken it . Undoing the clasp he did so now . It contained several pieces of stiff paper held together with ribbon , and a handful of coins . That was all . The small amount of money was more than young Rat had ever seen . His still tender conscience pulled at him . Mr . Horace needed his wallet , and Rat was the one who 'd taken it from him . Rat had taken many wallets and coins from strangers ' pockets , but this was the first time that he had thought about the other 's need for it . Rat fingered the coins . Should he return the wallet ? But think of all that he could do with that money ! Rat slowly closed the wallet and stuffed it back into his clothing . He needed it just as much as that man , Horace did . Like a frightened rabbit , Rat tried to get as far away as possible from Mr . Horace . He was getting farther and farther from Peter 's tavern , but Rat didn 't really care anymore . He could circle around and go back when he felt safer . Surely Dart hadn 't wandered this far away . But as Rat leaped from one housetop to another he spotted a boy cowering in a corner . Dart ! And he wasn 't alone . Several larger boys were standing about him in a threatening manner . These verses , taken from Philippians , have been heavy on my heart recently . They said that if your thoughts are on good things then the God of peace would be with you . In the last few weeks I haven 't felt close to God . I wondered why . Now the songs I listened to weren 't exactly " Bad " . They weren 't about cheating or drinking or swearing . But they didn 't lift me up or make me feel better when I listened to them . Actually , they made me feel dissatisfied with life . I wanted the romance and perfection that was in those songs . It was my mom who pointed out to me the pointlessness of the songs I was listening to . It was hard for me to take . At first I was angry . Then I was in denial . I didn 't want to admit that the songs were ruining my peace . I liked them . They made me happy ; or so I thought . Well , today I suddenly realized I didn 't even want to listen to them anymore . And so I deleted over 100 songs off my laptop , keeping only songs about God , and three or four traditional songs . It was hard for me to do . Some of the songs I almost cried while I deleted them , they meant that much to me . But that 's why they had to go . They meant more to me than my time with God . I am NOT judging those who do listen to country / world / pop etc . And I am not against listening to it every now and then . I 'm just saying that it wasn 't good for me and my relationship with God . It needed to go so I 'd have room in my mind for God . I needed to think more on pure , just and honest things . Maybe you could call it a fast . Are you feeling a distance between you and God ? Is there something in your life that 's distracting you ? Just something to think on . . . It would be impossible for me to write a list of my favorite books because I love so many . So instead I 've written a list of books I recommend you read . I will also include a portion of the story to perk your curiosity . The Light Across the River by Stephanie Reed Father groaned . " So you helped you husband escape , you stole your baby away when you escaped , and now you want to liberate your daughter , who is with Mr . James - and Biggerman ? " " Oh , no , Beulah , she done got sold away from Mr . James after I helped George run off . Now she b ' long to Mr . Adkins , over Germantown way . Leastways , last I heard . " " Five . " Johnny saw Mother flinch . Eliza hurried to add , " This gentleman here , Gil , he gonna scout out where she is and bring her and all five o ' her children over here , though . Me and the good Lord has got it all planned out . " " Five ! See here , far to many people know about you already , Eliza . Sam recognized you . If one of those children makes a peep and calls attention to us , it 's over . " Father shook his head . Johnny saw the memory of that night register . " Zeke Means , " Father said weakly . " Zeke Means saw you , too . We have to hide you away this very night . Who else knows about you ? " Let 's keep it that way . " He scanned the room . " No one else , " he said , and his gaze lingered on Johnny the longest , " is to know about Eliza . " When the man stepped over the rail and jumped , I stared down at the river . It frothed with swimmers and debris . My knees trembled . The water was closer to us than the snow had been tp Papa and me , but still my head spun from the height . A space appeared . Swallowing my fear , I breathed a quick prayer . " We have to go now - hold your breath . " When I hit the water my lifebelt thrust upward and struck my chin . The shock off the icy cold water wrenched John 's hand away as we went under . Skin instantly chilled . Every nerve in my body protested . He felt at ease with Aunt Ella and he guessed he 'd learn to get along with Meg . Already they seemed like family , probably because they reminded him of Mama and Betsy . But he knew he would never feel comfortable around his uncle . Imagine the son of a Confederate cavalry officer having to accept charity from such a man ! He 'd be courteous , and he 'd help out all he could to make up for being an extra mouth to feed . But he 'd never call him Uncle Jed . Never ! " Don 't push your horses . " Dad said firmly , as we saddled up . Then he handed Bud a copy of the New Testament saying , " Bud , carry this with you , and above all , both of you say your prayers at night . " In Unison , we both replied , " Yes , Sir ! " Bud carefully wrapped the New Testament in a silk handkerchief and put it in his saddle bag . At last , we spurred our horses and were off , on the first leg of our Great Adventure . We felt pretty big , riding away from the farm while our dad and our sisters - Kitty Joe , Johnnie , Goldie , and Pearlie - waved goodbye . Maybe having all those women around made us more eagerto seek out adventure , for Bud and I were always ready for a new one . We never thought about being afraid , but we often were tired , dirty and discouraged . " Not a Tory ! " There was a sudden burst of laughter . Wild laughter mixed with jeers that grew louder and louder . Daniel couldn 't see the faces , only the legs lighted up by lanterns on the ground . Legs that danced grotesquely and then suddenly stopped in a circle again . " Yea . I got it . Don 't trust is out of my sight . " There was a rattle of paper and a figure stooped over one of the lanterns and began reading . " May it please your Excellency , " he said . It was the letter that Daniel and Beckett had written Governor Hutchison . The letter that Daniel had thought his stepmother had thrown away . " Strangers in town . " Jip was waiting at the counter to pay for the staples Mrs . Lyman had sent him to buy . The speaker inclined his head slightly , and Jip followed the tilt down the length of the long counter . He had heard the old men at the farm tell tales of meeting their own ghost . That was the only way he could explain what had happened at that moment . As he turned his head to look down the counter , a tall , fair - headed man at the far end met his gaze - grey eyes meeting his dark ones . He knew that face - it was the same one that stared out at him every day from the wavy kitchen mirror . A Thousand Shall Fall by Bodie Thoene " Hey , how about I bet the kid ? Anybody want a cute little kid ? I 'll see your five bucks and raise the kid . No kidding . Take him . " " Nothin ' he ain 't heard before , I 'll bet . " said Mr . Ryan . Then chairs scraped back and the gamblers said they 'd had enough cards for the night . Brian told them to stay - said he was just kidding , just trying to make the best of a rotten situation , blowing off a little steam . Didn 't a man have the right to blow off a little steam , after all ? The poker game was over , just the same . David was pleased that other people , grown up men , had gotten sick of Brian O ' Halloran 's big mouth . He delighted in Brian 's misery as he heared the gin bottle clink against Brian 's glass and he finished the bottle alone in the front room . I don 't want to go to college . I don 't want a degree . I don 't want a career . I don 't want a fancy office job or lots of money . I don 't want to be independent . My very biggest dream is to be a stay - at - home mom to a bunch ( at least 6 ) of children . Someday , when I 'm old and grey , people might look at me and say , " That lady has never travelled the world . She 's never had a good job . She 's never done anything for herself . She 's never had a life ! " But I 'll know better . I 'll know that I have had a life . I 'll know there is nothing more rewarding , more satisfying , more meaningful , than a life led by God . A life full of my husband and kids , pushing them to be the people God wants them to be . Some might find my dream weird , strange , boring , or even not worthy to be called a dream . But I don 't care . It 's my dream . My very biggest most longed for dream . Lord willing my dream will someday become reality . My earliest memory is from when we lived in a subdivision . I was around a year and a half . The neighbors had a dog chained in their back yard . It was barking at me , but I wasn 't scared . I pressed my eye close to a crack in the fence to look at it , and I can still remember the smell of the warm wood . When I was around the same age I remember pulling handfuls of pea gravel toward me . It was warm , smooth and dusty . And then I felt guilty , as if I wasn 't supposed to touch it . I remember playing with my brothers in our sandbox . It had just rained and the sand was wet . Mommy let me take a doll out to play with . It had dark skin and wore a pale blue dress . Someone had chewed off its fingers , but I thought it was just beautiful . But while in the sandbox I tripped and dropped her . The wet sand stuck to her , and I couldn 't get it out of her eyes . I ran to the house to show Mommy . I remember it snowing . The ground wasn 't even completely white yet but I wanted to go play in it . Daddy came out with me . I told him I wanted to make a snow bunny family . So we did . I remember they had pinecones for ears . I thought Daddy was so clever . I remember leaning on the window seal and watching a mole make a dirt hill in the yard . It was fascinating . But when I ran out the front door to catch the mole he disappeared . I remember riding " horsie " on Daddy 's back with my brother . We tried to hold on tight , but we laughed so hard we tumbled off anyway . I remember having the flu . I told Mommy I was scared I was going to puke again . She held me and rocked me to sleep . I dreamed that my stuffed dog , snowball , was real and was playing in a water sprinkler with me . Then I woke up and told Mommy about it . I remember sitting in church with my head resting on Daddy 's or Mommy 's lap . I could see my cousins sitting in the bench in front of us . I knew more were sitting behind us , and I felt so secure . I remember Grandma taking me shopping . She bought me a blue shirt with a puppy on it . She tried to buy me some pants , but couldn 't find any my size . I remember her holding a pair up to me and saying , " I don 't know , your so tiny . " Then she took me to Burgerville and got me a Kids Meal with radish seeds and a little red shovel . I planted those seeds beside our barn , and they grew ! I was so happy when I pulled the green leaves out of the ground and found red balls hanging from the ends . I remember how excited Mommy was for me as she put them on the kitchen window seal . I can still remember what they tasted like , though I don 't actually remember eating them . I remember Grandpa serving up chocolate ice cream . He asked me which dish I wanted , and I suddenly realized I was still clutching in my dirty hands the Barbie plate I 'd been playing with outside . I held it out and said , " This one ! " and he said , " Well , we have to wash it first . " He carefully washed and dried it for me . I now own that plate . It 's in my hope chest . I remember The Ranch . It would take a whole blog post to describe it . Four wheelers , kick the can , sleeping bags , and playing house in the barn . I fell asleep to the sound off the big kids riding four wheelers , and laughing as they roasted marshmallows around the fire in the yard . Everything was happy , cozy and safe . I remember going to a strangers house to choose a puppy . Mom said I could choose . I sat on the floor and one of them climbed into my lap and began to lick me all over . I wrapped my arms around it and cried , " This one ! I want this one ! " I didn 't even look at the others . We named him Shadow . I loved him and he followed my brothers and me everywhere . Years of memories of playing with cousins . So many fun times we have had . It makes me sad to think that we can never go back . But , of course , we can always look forward to the future . |
It was impossible to move with the two men holding my arms above my head . My skirt was not short because I know how that inflames the Arabs , and I know also how quick they are to assume any foreign woman is a whore , and fair game . In any case , the length of my skirt did not matter because the man who was not sitting on my arms had taken it off me . He had long , thin hands , like a girl 's . That was one of the few things I registered about him . Also that he hesitated when my skirt was off . ' Please , sir , ' I said in English . ' Please don 't do this . ' Still he hesitated , and something in his eyes said doubt about what they were doing had entered his mind . ' I am a virgin , sir , ' I said , which was true . He looked at the other two and I think at that moment he was prepared to stop . I suppose I thought they might kill me afterwards but they did not . They watched while I dressed , slowly because they had hurt me , and then they told me to get into the back seat of their Land Cruiser . When we reached Le Meridien , they opened the door and told me to get out . I could see the man in the turban who opens doors and calls taxis for guests staring at me . No doubt he was wondering what a Filipina was doing in a Land Cruiser with three Arabs . And no doubt he was answering his own question inside his head . It would be an answer not flattering to me . Mister John Meredith , who I called Mister John , was the American man I worked for . He lived in a house on the Corniche near the new Sheikh Zayed Bridge , not in an apartment , and I had a room there . My job was to keep the place clean , wash his clothes and sometimes cook meals . Only one man in a big house , six bedrooms , and my friends thought I was so lucky . It is true he never beat me , as the wives of some Arab and many rich Indian men beat their maids . He had never forced his way into my bed , as was common , or made me stand on a ledge on an upper floor and threatened to push me off because I had worked for fourteen hours and was tired , as had happened to one maid I knew . He never burned me with a cigarette end , threatened to spray bleach in my face or said he would have me deported . He let me keep my passport . I was hoping he would not be in when I got home . I wanted to shower and change my clothes before he saw me and try to cover the bruise that was growing darker on my eye where one of them had hit me . But it was not to be . ' What happened , Carol ? ' he asked me . " Carol " is my Catholic name . He could never have managed the one my parents called me by . I tried to slip past him towards my room but he caught my arm . I was shocked ; he had never touched me before . ' What happened , Carol ? ' he asked again . Not loudly , but firmly . I started to cry and he let go of my arm but he continued to block my way . I had been weighing all kinds of possible lies on the long walk from Le Meridien in the stifling heat , but I knew in my heart that none of them was going to work . I told him what had happened . I don 't know what came over me to say what I said next . I think I was deliberately defying Mister John . I was sure he knew what I was about to tell him , but knowing is one thing and having your nose rubbed in it is something else . Mister John worked at the Embassy . He said he worked for the State Department . One of the other maids I knew had heard her employer talking about Mister John . This man said Mister John was a spy . If he decided he could not ignore what I said , I could not complain . In any case , I said it . ' And I am only twenty - five . The law says maids must be thirty - five . They would find out that my passport is forged . They would deport me for that , too . And I have not yet finished paying the man who supplied it to me . ' ' This is not Saudi Arabia , ' I said . I don 't know why the suggestion should have angered me , but it did . Mister John appeared not to have noticed . I began to cry . I had never cried in front of Mister John before , and now I had done it twice in one day . I screwed a tissue into my eyes . Some girls behave like prostitutes and never get caught out . I had been a good girl all my twenty - five years , and what had happened to me had not been my fault , and it happened only once , and yet I was going to have a child . After three months , I could not deny it to myself . ' I am not bitter . I am accepting my situation . I have to go home , because if I have a child here , a single woman , they will say I am a prostitute and they will deport me . So I have to go home . Where I will be disgraced , me and my family . And I have still not sent enough money to pay for my passport . ' When he came home that night , Mister John drank whisky . A large Chivas on the rocks . Then he had another . That was unusual for Mister John . Usually he did not drink alcohol when he was alone . He said he got enough when he was working , and that it was good to give his liver a rest . But that night he drank Chivas Regal . He came into the kitchen where I was putting dishes into the dishwasher . The latest glass of ice and whisky was still in his hand . ' Carol , ' he said . ' I have an idea . ' I sometimes met my friends , the other maids , those who were allowed out and not confined to their employers ' homes except when they had to go with their mistresses to carry heavy shopping . We would have Coke and sometimes a piece of cake in one of the cheaper places . We did not choose the cheaper places because they were cheaper , but because our mistresses would not wish us to take refreshment in the places they used themselves , or their children . I had no mistress , but most maids were not so lucky . I had decided not to mention my good fortune , but they knew . Mister John had told colleagues and friends that he was to be married . He had not mentioned the baby , but people are not stupid . And people talk in front of their maids . ' You 're up the spout , ' said Pena . I never liked her - too full of the importance of her employer , and too proud of her own appearance . ' Aren 't you ? You 've got yourself pregnant and he 's stupid enough to make an honest woman of you , you little whore . I bet you did it deliberately . ' ' Leave her alone , ' said Maria . Maria was from the same village as me . She had been in the UAE two years longer and her forged passport was paid for . Now she was sending money home to her family , as I should have done if I had stayed long enough . ' You 're only jealous , ' Maria said . She was right , of course . Pena was jealous . We all knew people who had got a Westerner or a rich Arab to marry them . You would see them with their husbands , always smiling , their little pot bellies beginning to show because they no longer felt the need to look after themselves . Especially the ones who had caught a Westerner . If an Arab decided to divorce them , they might find things difficult , but from an American or a European they would extract a high price . And if they found themselves in a shop or hotel or restaurant where the person serving them was from their country , God help that shop assistant or maid or waitress . " Look at me , " the married one 's look would say . " I made it . I 've caught one . In this precarious world , I never have to worry again . But you do . " ' Jealous ? ' Pena said . ' What has she caught ? A man of fifty who never married before . You think that is a good catch ? He will be difficult . He will be impossible . And in bed he will be useless . I would not take her man at any price . He is a fool . ' Maria worked in a house not far from mine and we always walked home together . ' She heard that from her employer 's wife , ' I said . ' That is what the Westerners are saying about me . That I have trapped Mister John into marriage by conceiving his child . ' I stopped walking . I caught Maria by the arm so that she had to stop walking , too . ' No . I mean it really isn 't true . ' ' It is true , Maria . ' I could see she did not believe me . I told her the truth . I told her what the three Arabs had done to me . She took a while to understand what I was telling her . When she had taken it in , she said , ' Oh , Carol . You are so lucky . What a good man he must be . ' ' He says he knows I don 't love him . He is marrying me so that I will be an American and not have to go home . He says he does not expect me to sleep with him when we are husband and wife . He says one day I will meet someone I do love and when that happens he will let me divorce him so that I can be with that man . ' ' Oh , Carol . ' I knew she was happy for me . I knew also that she was wishing she could meet someone who would do for her what Mister John was doing for me . Marry her so that she could have a passport that was real and worth having and then leave her be and let her go . There were tears in her eyes . Mister John arranged the wedding . He said it should be quick , which I could not argue with . He offered to use his influence to get visas for my family so that they could come , but I said I did not want them there . My mother would upbraid my new husband for sleeping with me before we were married , and me for letting him , and I was not prepared to allow that . Mister John had a sister in Oregon and he sent tickets for her and her husband . It was a strange ceremony for one like me . It took place in a chapel in the Embassy , which was another thing my mother would have objected to , although we did have a Catholic priest . The night before , there was a party in our house ( how quickly I came to think of it as " our house " ) on the Corniche to which John 's sister Phyllis ( I had to stop calling him " Mister John " , which was hard at first ) and her husband Wayne came , with John 's colleagues from work and many friends . Although a lot of these last were Moslem , the evening was far from abstemious . I would not like to count the number of empty bottles our new maid ( yes ! We had a new maid , sent by a different agency from the one that had supplied me ) cleared away afterwards . After the wedding itself , the Consul gave me my new American passport in my new name . Carol Meredith . It was the most precious thing I had ever received . I slipped it into my bag . Had I begun to stare at it , I do not think I could have stopped . That evening we had a small dinner party at the Emirates Palace with only Phyllis and Wayne . I do not like the Emirates Palace . I did not want my husband to waste his money like that . I meant to be a good wife to him , taking care of his money as though it were my own . I did not want to be one of these gold - diggers I have mentioned . When the dinner was over , John 's driver took Phyllis and Wayne back to our house and we went upstairs to the suite John had reserved for us that night . We needed a guide - a Persian woman in a coat of gold brocade - to show us the way to our room or we should never have found it . That is the ridiculous size of the thing . Why were we staying in this vulgar place when we had a perfectly nice home of our own ? We never discussed it , and so I could not explain to John that it was not needful . I understood , though he did not say so , that he did not want his family to know that there were now two master bedrooms set aside in his house - one for him and one for me . His sister and her husband had to leave for America the very next day and so would not see the arrangements for themselves . When we reached the sitting room of our suite , I took the lead by kissing him . That was perhaps immodest , but I do not think he would have done it himself . I said , ' You are the most wonderful man I have ever met . Thank you . ' Then we went each to our own room , to sleep . Or so he thought . I undressed and took my shower . Then I put on the long pale blue robe that was one of the many items of clothing John had insisted on buying for my new life . The baby showed clearly through the silk . And then I went from my bedroom , through the sitting room and into his . He was already in bed , reading . I knew that he slept naked because I had never washed any night things of his , and so it was . He looked surprised at my entrance . I had prepared my little speech , but still I delivered it with timidity . ' Husband , ' I said . ' You have done a wonderful thing today . You have given me the three most precious gifts I have ever received . ' I could see that he did not know what to say , and so I spoke for him . ' I know the things you said . But , if you will have me , I wish to be your wife . Properly . ' John is too much the man to cry , but I knew he was moved . I made a gesture of " May I ? " and moved towards the bed . He pushed down the sheet . I climbed up beside him . I will not pretend that our love - making set me alight . John was gentle and considerate and loving . All the things those three men were not . I enjoyed what we did together , but because I knew I was pleasing him and not for the thing itself . And he was pleased . He was like a child at a party , trying everything . I do not think he was experienced with women . He used his eyes and his hands and his nose and his tongue to make love , and not just that other thing . Because he was happy , I was happy . I supposed later , when I had found out what passion could be , that he must have known he did not move me to great heights , but his own pleasure was so clear that it pleased me , too . Al Ghazal Lounge , which we went to because we were traveling Business Class , a new experience for me , is circular and on two levels , with smokers on the lower floor . You can get coffee and hard liquor as well as Arabic pastries . I have never acquired the taste for alcohol , but I have a weakness for sweet Arabic pastries . The TV is never turned off , but the staff are good about turning down the volume . At least when John asks them to . There are no windows . In one wall is an aquarium and in another something John told me was a diorama . It showed an Arab fort among sand dunes with a four by four not unlike ours ( though it was really John 's , because I had never learned to drive ) climbing one of them . There was an oasis with camels and gazelles and black tents that John said belonged to Bedouins . He also said that , really , we should call them Bedu , because one Bedouin was a Bedouin but more than one were Bedu . But foreigners don 't know that , apparently , and so they say Bedouins . John really loves the Middle East . I learned later that he had twice turned down promotion in order to stay there . Lots of men love the Middle East . It is a place for men . Outside the fort were five Arabs in white robes , sitting or in one case lying . One of them was playing a mandolin , which I learned is called a buzoc . One had a hawk on his wrist , one was reading the Koran , one poured coffee and one ( the lying down one ) was staring into the distance . None of them was holding down a woman with her skirt and panties removed . There was no woman in the scene . No woman with the blood of her stolen virginity drying on the insides of her thighs . No woman at all . I got to know Phyllis quite well during the three weeks John was away . She was older than me , of course , and in a way she treated me like the daughter she had never had . She and Wayne had no children . She began to tell me that this was because of a problem Wayne had , but she saw that I did not want to hear such things and she was kind enough to stop . In the beginning she had been a little formal with me , but after a few days she said something really nice nice . She told me she had assumed I had married John for his money and his American citizenship but now she knew I wasn 't that kind of person . I thanked her . I told her I was glad and proud to be part of her family , which I was . She hugged me tight tight . The baby was born one week early and John arrived at the hospital a few minutes after the birth . He had flown from Washington to Seattle and come straight to the hospital without going home to change or shower or anything . He was so apologetic but I told him it was fine . I said a man should be there when the baby is made but not when the baby is born . Then I realized what I had said and I could not look at him . He put his arms round me and we hugged without saying anything . Then I said , ' He is your baby . ' I started to cry . The nurse came in and said it was my hormones and I was tired , but I knew it wasn 't that . She sent John away . She told him to come back next day when I was rested . We called the baby Mark and I sent pictures of the christening to my parents . I thought my mother 's heart might soften when she saw he had had a proper Catholic baptism . I also enclosed two hundred dollars . That was John 's idea . We were making plans to return to Abu Dhabi when we realized everything was not right with little Mark . The doctors said it would all be fine , and in the end it was fine , but they said Mark should stay near the hospital for a few months . Even without the worries over Mark 's health , it was harder to be a new mother than I would ever have thought , and I was lonely without John . Phyllis spent a lot of time with me . She drove me to and from the hospital ; we went shopping and on picnics ; and she started to teach me to drive . I , who had never thought I would ever have occasion to drive . I had good English - for a maid in the Gulf . I knew that when I was finally able to return to my husband 's side , he would need me to be with him sometimes at the cocktail parties and dinners he seemed to have to go to such a lot . He would also continue to entertain at home and I would need to communicate much better as his wife than I had as his maid . I could not bear to think of putting him to shame . ' That 's cadence . Then there 's punctuation . Where you put the pauses . Did you ever hear a song , " What is this thing called love ? " ? ' ' Trust me , it 's a song . " What is this thing called love ? " ' She sang a few bars . ' Now , suppose I say , " What , is this thing called love ? " Do you see the difference ? ' ' You 'll get the hang of it . And when you do you 'll understand far more about humor . You 're a very serious person , Carol . You know that ? ' ' I know that , honey . You 've got a lot of problems . Having problems doesn 't stop you showing humor . It 's the American way to smile in the face of adversity . And John 's colleagues will expect it . ' Phyllis smiled . I knew she was amused by the idea of me " trying " to be funny . ' See ? ' I said . ' I made you smile . ' Her smile grew much bigger . ' Hey ! You 're doing it ! ' Then her face took on that look she had when she raised intimate matters . ' Are you serious when you and John make love ? ' ' Good sex always has a lot of play about it , ' she said . ' Love - making is for adults , but they need to become like children when they do it . I 've upset you . ' The English lessons and driving lessons were good for me . This was also the time I met Lee , and that wasn 't so hot . ( That 's an expression I picked up from Phyllis ) . Lee was a doctor at the hospital where Mark was being treated . Mark was an outpatient , which meant he lived at home and I took him twice a week for tests and treatment . Sometimes Phyllis came with us . It wasn 't her fault . A sudden image came to me , of hands thin like a girl 's , tugging on the waist band of my panties . I shuddered . Phyllis laughed . ' I 'm glad the idea turns you off , hon , but he 's surely not that repulsive . ' When I was a little girl , I had dreamed of the man I would marry . He would fall in love with me , and woo me , pursue me , breaking down my resistance until in the end I said " Yes " to him . We would be married , and love each other for always , and have children , and I would be a good wife and a good mother . But first would come the wooing . Because of what those three men did to me , I had never been wooed . John had married me , and I was grateful , but there had never been any romance in my life . If you are raped , and you get pregnant , and a man twice your age says , " I will marry you and raise your child as mine and look after you , " you may be very grateful but it is not romantic . The only wooing I had had was the pulling down of my panties by a man with the thin hands of a girl while two other men held me down . There is nothing romantic about that . In fact , it is a horrible thing . So now here was this man Lee , who was in love with me ( though I never saw it till Phyllis pointed it out ) and that was romantic . I kept my distance , but at night or when I was not at the hospital I thought about him . I wondered how it would be to let myself love him . I had heard people talk about how wonderful it could be , this thing between a man and a woman , and I wondered if it would be like that between Lee and me , after I had let him woo me a little . I say I kept my distance , but my attitude to him changed , I could not help its changing , and he noticed . He became bolder . He touched me , on the arm at first and then later on the back just above my bottom . Part of me shrank away from that touch , but part was excited . And then he kissed me . Just put his arms around me , pulled me tight tight and before I had time to react he was kissing me . Of course I pushed him away . I was a married woman . But that night I dreamed about him and in my dream he was doing that to me . Except that he wasn 't doing it to me , because we were doing it to each other . And we were playing , just like Phyllis had said . In my dream I began to see that two naked adults playing might be fun . John and I always undressed ourselves before we got into bed . I undressed myself and he undressed himself . What I found myself dreaming about , and I tried not to but I could not help it , was : how would it feel to be undressed by the other ? Not the way those three men undressed me , I knew what it was like to be undressed by force and it was horrid . How would it feel to be undressed by a man who loved you ? To have your panties removed , not with uncaring roughness but tenderly ? How would that feel ? And what I was really thinking was : how would it feel to have that thing done by Lee ? I did not step back or invite him in or anything , but he was prepared for that . He just walked round me into the house and into the kitchen and he laid the flowers and the wine on the worktop . I followed him in , of course . ' Mark is asleep , ' I said . ' Good . I didn 't really come to see Mark . I came to see you . ' And he just took hold of me as if it were the most natural thing in the world and began to kiss me . He kissed my lips and my forehead and my throat , and he was holding me tight and I could feel him pressing hard hard against my belly . ' You should not be married to that man , ' he said as he went on kissing me . ' He is too old for you , and too far away . I am the right man for you . We have heritage on our side , and our age . ' By now his hands were on my bottom , holding me tight against him , and I could feel myself giving in . In another minute I would be letting go , relaxing into his arms , and then it would be all over with me . I lifted both hands to his chest and pushed with all my might . ' Stop , ' I said , and I sounded firmer and more angry than I was . ' I will not be treated like this . Let me go . ' ' I have told you , ' I said . ' I am a married woman . I promised before God and His priest to love my husband and abandon all others . You are trying to make me forget my holy vows . ' ' Mark is better , ' he said . ' You have no more reason to stay in America . If I don 't win you now , you will be lost to me for ever . I do not want to live without you . ' My legs were shaking . In fact , I was shaking in every fiber of my body . I wanted him . Oh , how I wanted him . I longed for him to pick me up and carry me into my bedroom . The longing was so great I could almost feel his hands warm warm on my naked skin . I knew he could see it in my eyes . I picked up the bottle of wine and handed it to him . ' I don 't drink alcohol , ' I said . ' You must take that away . ' He put it down again . ' Why do you fight against what you know you want ? ' He stepped in close . He put his hands on my waist . I turned up my face to be kissed . I was lost . He stepped away from me . Both of us looked at Phyllis , me with shocked guilt and him in anger . He said , ' What are you doing here ? ' There was no arguing with Phyllis at that moment . Leaving the flowers and the wine , Lee made for the door . As he left , he turned towards me . ' I will be back , ' he said . ' Tomorrow . I will take you to my place . Where we will not be interrupted . ' I sat in the living room and sobbed . I cried my heart out . Phyllis put her arm round my shoulders and hugged me , but she said nothing . She passed me fresh tissues as each one became soaked . ' I was worried . John called to say you weren 't answering your phone . I knew you should be here , so I came over to check . I heard your voice raised , so I used my key to let myself in . Good thing I did . ' I got up and looked at the telephone . It seemed fine . I picked it up . There was no dial tone . I went into my bedroom . The phone there was slightly off the hook . I put it down properly . I came back into the living room and checked again . The dial tone was there . ' I 'm sure he really loves you , if that 's what you mean . But he made a bargain . Lee attracts you . I know he does . ' ' Those goddam rapists . Well , honey , here 's the deal . If you want to go see Lee tomorrow night , I 'll babysit Mark for you . ' ' Yes , I can . John loves you . I love you too . He loves you like a wife and I love you like a sister . That means I want you to be happy . ' I had the worst night of my life . I cried myself to sleep . In my dreams , I walked into Lee 's bedroom as on my wedding night I had walked into my husband 's . In my dreams , I did something I had never done with John or any other man , and it shocked me and disturbed me . I knelt over him and took his thing into my mouth . I sucked him . And then he laid me flat . He spread my legs . He knelt between my thighs . He mounted me . In my dreams , he roused me as I had never in my life been roused . Getting a flight at such short notice was not easy and I ended by going through London . Phyllis insisted that John would expect me to go Business Class , and so I did . Little Mark was so so good , hardly making a sound all the way and smiling at everyone who smiled at him . Still , it was nearly twenty - four hours after we had first taken off before I was wheeling a trolley through Customs and out into the concourse . There was a shouting mob of touts all eager to find me a taxi . When we got home , I gave Mark a drink and put him straight to bed . He went off immediately . John said , ' You must be tired , too . ' ' That would be nice . ' And then I said something that amazed me when I heard it come out from my mouth . ' We could shower together , maybe ? ' ' I would like you to undress me . And then I wish to pee , and I would like you to watch me as I do it . And if you need a pee , too , I would like to stand behind you and put my arms round you and hold you while you do yours . ' I said , ' I do not care what she would think . You are my husband and I love you and we should not have secrets from each other . And sometimes we should play games together , as children do . ' And then when we were under the water I took the soap and I cleaned him . And then I knelt down before him and took him in my mouth . He was hard hard and I was so proud that I was doing this thing with my man . When I felt his tongue on my private place , I relaxed as I had never relaxed before . I said , ' This is what I dreamed of , all the way here on two planes . If anyone looked at me they would think , " That woman is having dirty thoughts " . ' And I laughed . And I was so so happy . And the three men , they did not matter any more . And Lee . He did not matter , either . And then he was over me , and in me . I do not know what Phyllis had told him . I do not care what Phyllis had told him . What I do know is that he must have known I had never given myself totally to him before , and that now I did . I held his arms as he rode me , this great strong man . I thought of Phyllis 's English lessons . " What is this thing called love ? " This , I thought . As his warm and tender lips kissed my lips , and as his man thing hard like iron drove itself in and out of those other lips as though it had a life of its own , and as I saw the sweet affection on his face , I thought , " This . This is this thing called Love . I feel it for him and I make him feel it for me . And I am proud proud . " Hi . I hope you enjoyed my story . There are other free stories of mine here ; if you 'd like to read something more substantial , please take a look at this page where you 'll find my books listed . Post was not sent - check your email addresses ! 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October 29 , 2013 · 9 : 51 pm Coming Into Focus Summary I have written three chapters of " Coming Into Focus " so far . The book is supposed to be about falling in love and figuring out that sex is not the same thing as love . When someone falls in love , they take chances , they put their heart on the line for someone they really care about . Sex is something you can have without feelings for someone . That 's why making love is different than having sex . It has feelings all wrapped up inside of it . And you can only truly make love if you are in love . October 29 , 2013 · 9 : 48 pm Chapter Three ( Coming Into Focus ) The nerves hit me after a few more miles of driving around the city . I didn 't have anything to do until the lunch , so I had just continued to drive around . After much thought , I decided I wanted to look my best when he saw me at the cafe . I went back to my apartment , and got out my nail polish kit . Right now , my nails had splotches of blue left over from when I did them on Christmas . It was now summer . I was surprised there was any left on them . I chose a light pink nail color that would match the sun dress I intended to wear . After applying two coats , I picked out some strapped sandal flats to go with my dress . I put my dress on the bed along with my shoes . I went into the kitchen , but realized I shouldn 't eat until our lunch date so I sat on the counter , waiting for the nail polish to dry . Once it did , I went into the bathroom and took another shower - so that any extra nail color would come off my toes . Once out , I blow dried my hair and stood there deciding between an up do or a pony tail . I never wore my hair down outside the house . I decided a pony tail would look better , since I didn 't want to get dressed up too much . I went and put on my dress , but left the sandals on the bed . I put my hair up and didn 't think it looked right so I did it again . Then , I went back to get my nail kit , deciding if my toes were going to show , that I needed to do those nails , too . After they dried , I put on my sandals and noticed the time . I was going to be late if I didn 't leave now . I rushed to my car , started it , and headed toward the coffee shop . I had to stop at six stoplights on the way and knew I would end up late , but as soon as I got to the shop , I saw him parking his cop car in an available space across the street . I was so glad that he just got here . I parked at a spot next to him and looked in the mirror and checked the makeup I had applied in the car . It looked good , so I slowly got out of the sudan and headed towards the door of the coffee shop where he was waiting . He returned a couple of minutes later , carrying a tray of food and two drinks , " I forgot to ask what you wanted to drink , so I asked them what you liked best . The cashier said you were ' addicted to the mocha frap ' . So I got you a mocha frap . " " I paint and go to the beach . Sometimes I go to the gym or take bike rides with a borrowed bike from my neighbor , Sam . " And have random sex with multiple guys , I thought , but that 's not going to happen anymore . He laughed . " I also go on bike rides and swim a lot . I go to the gym across the street every afternoon after work . I haven 't been to the beach in a while , though . " He blushed and looked down , as if he were covering it up , but then I noticed something on his face that said ' this isn 't just hanging out , I really like you ' , and blushed myself . " I didn 't mean it that way . " I corrected myself , " I just meant next time we see each other . I didn 't know you wanted this to be a date . " But I did know , I was just being casual . " It 's okay . I 'm not used to this kind of thing . I 've been too involved in my work to really even look at women . " He blushed again . We talked on for another hour . And then another hour after finishing our meal . He was a really sweet guy , with bright blue eyes and longish brown hair . His muscles were thick in his chest and shoulders , moving as he talked , but thick enough to make him look scary . His face was soft and thin . Every time he smiled at me , it reached his eyes . He had a small dimple on the left side when he smiled and his eyes crinkled at the sides each time he did this . He was much more handsome than all those other guys that came into her life for a short time and left and something told her he was definitely the relationship type . She hoped , too , that he would stay in his life for a while . She hadn 't noticed she was staring at him and just barely caught the question . " I don 't work today . It 's my day off . " " Oh okay . Sounds good . I just got off work before lunch . I was wondering if maybe you 'd like to watch a movie sometime ? I would say go to the movies , but they 're too expensive nowadays . " " It 's a girl and her name is Shawna . She 's a german shepard . I got her when she was sent to be a police search dog , but she 's retired from that now , because she hurt her hip . She walks with a limp sometimes , but is still the happiest dog I know . " He chuckled . " Well that 's good . I have to go soon . I just noticed the time . I have to go soon . I need to walk Shawna . Sorry to have to leave , but I don 't want anymore spots on my carpet " He said after glancing at his watch . " That 's fine with me . I was planning on going to the dog shelter sometime this week to look at the pets . I just moved to an apartment that allows dogs . Since I moved out of my parents house four years ago , I 've always wanted my own pet . " There was a small silence after that . I didn 't know what to say or how to say goodbye , so I just looked at him . It wasn 't an awkward silence , or to me it wasn 't . I just looked into lose beautiful blue eyes and waited for him to say something . He finally did . " I had a really nice time with you today . I hope I can get your number and hang out with you sometime soon . Maybe we could go for that bike ride . " " Yea . I really need to walk Shawna now , so how about I call you tomorrow ? " He took out a pen from his pocket and a receipt . He wrote down his number and then tore part of the paper off and handed both to me , including the pen . I got the gist and wrote down my number on the second half of the paper and handed the pen and paper back to him . I put his number in my wallet for safe keeping after realizing I 'd left my phone at home . We both stood up . Cole walked around the table and kissed me on the cheek , then headed for the door while waving goodbye . I headed to the restroom , first , but afterward I headed out the door . His car was gone once I got outside . Once I pulled out of the parking spot , I headed for the ASPCA . October 29 , 2013 · 9 : 47 pm Chapter Two ( Coming Into Focus ) Seven days had passed since the incident . I had gone about my normal routine - doing laundry on Sunday , working Monday through Friday , going home at 7 pm and reading my romance novels , but I noticed everyday that something was missing . I thought at first that it was the guys and I decided to let myself just miss it because I knew I wasn 't going to let that happen again , but realized that it wasn 't . It felt like there was a big , empty gap in my heart waiting for the right person to come along and fill up that empty space . I am lonely . More lonely than I 'd ever felt , but I still wouldn 't back down . The night of the seventh day , I got my old stuffed animal lamb out of the back of my closet , dusted it off and took it to bed with me . I needed something to sleep with , because I felt bare and alone . The next day , I got out of bed early . It was my day off , but I still got up early . I felt I needed to . I decided to go to the gym . I hadn 't been to the gym for years , but I put on my sweat - shorts , a tank top , and a sweatshirt with a hood , and walked down the street to the corner , where the gym was located . I did that for about four hours and until I could run no more . Once finished I signed out and went across the street to the coffee shop I call work . I got a free coffee - because I work there - and sat at a table in the far corner . I watched the people pass by out the window . Seeing a couple stop to kiss , I decided I wanted to be like them . They had a baby stroller with a pink - cheeked , chubby baby inside . As soon as they started walking again , a tear fell down my cheek . I quickly wiped it away so no one would see . A finely muscled man stepped into the coffee shop . His police uniform was black like most police in this town , but it was tight on him and looked really sexy . I quickly turned away when I received butterflies in my stomach from the smile he gave my before walking to the counter to order his drink . This man wasn 't like the men I usually had sex with . He wasn 't that type . Somehow I could tell . After ordering his drink he sat down at a table two down from mine . I tried to ignore him and reach for my coffee to take a sip , but my coffee was empty . I reluctantly left the shop to head to my house . Once home , I took another shower and brushed my teeth this time . I decided to go for a drive in my beat up mini - van . I drove around the city and got lost in my mind as I went . I heard the sirens after a few minutes of driving down Wentworth Street . I pulled to the side of the road thinking they were going to pass me , but the cop pulled up behind my van . I couldn 't remember what I had done wrong . So I decided to ask the officer once they were by my window . I turned down the radio and waited as the officer walked up to my window . " Yea , never been a Mrs . " I said . Hoping he 'd take the hint . I wasn 't really flirting , just humoring it a little . " Okay " He had a big smile on his face . " I 'll see you then , and I hope you get your brake light fixed . I 'd hate to have to pull you over again and give you a ticket . I mumbled a good - bye and rolled up my window . It was then that I noticed he never put my name in his computer or wrote up a warning ticket . I smiled to myself . October 29 , 2013 · 9 : 46 pm Chapter One ( Coming into Focus ) It all happened so fast . His breath was at my neck as he lifted himself to undo the last thing he had on him - his pants . Once undone , he shoved his large cock into my small sex and lingered there for a moment while his fingers massaged my clit . He began to move as quickly as possible , grunting and moaning as he went . Usually I enjoyed this . This was normal in my eyes , but in my heart there was nothing for this man . I figured my heart was black by now . It didn 't feel the same as it used to . He plunged in again and this time he let loose inside me . He collapsed on top of me . I felt disgusted by him and myself . I didn 't really know this man . We had never had a real conversation . He had taken me on a date . Usually after sex , I would feel powerful - I would feel better after a long day and this pleasure was normally all I needed - but this time was different . I didn 't feel better , I felt worse . I felt like my world was crashing down on me and I felt like the thing I tried to avoid all my life - a slut . I was officially a slut in my own eyes . I was one of those gross people . This had to change . I couldn 't continue on with this . I pushed him off me and grabbed my clothes while shielding myself with the sheet . I yelled at him to leave . I would never do this again , if my life depended on it . Once the man left , I curled up in a ball on my bed and cried . After a few minutes , I opened my eyes to my purple and gray room . My painted , gray dresser still sat in the same place it had since I moved into the drab apartment . On it sat a pack of condoms and a lamp . I screamed in fury . Getting up off my bed , I ran to my dresser and grabbed the condoms . I , then , opened the window next to my dresser and used my good arm to throw them out the window . I felt like I never wanted to see another one again for as long as I lived . I sat down hard on the floor next to my dresser - in front of my window - and thought . I sat there thinking for a long time , until I realized I was in need of a big change in my life . I was not going to have sex with random men ever again . I will wait for my one . I won 't choose any guy off the street that I 'm attracted to , he has to come to me . I got up and took off my clothes to take a shower and wash off the stench of the nasty man that had left about 30 minutes ago . Walking into the bathroom , I saw another pack of condoms and threw it into the trash can . I took the bag out of the trash can and went to the kitchen to put it in the big waste basket . Once I climbed out of the shower , I still felt dirty , but I knew I was cleaner than I had been in a while . I walked into the kitchen and poured some water in the kettle , then headed to the bathroom to blow - dry my hair . I heard the kettle whistle in its loud way , so I stopped the hair dryer when my hair was pretty much dry and stomped into the kitchen . I poured this water into on of the mugs I had already put a tea bag in and let it soak while I went to get dressed . I didn 't feel the need to use my toothbrush , because with these men - that I 'm never going to " use " again - they don 't kiss you . It 's like a secret and unwritten rule that you don 't kiss the guys you 're just going to fuck once because you could get attached . I grabbed a blue - green tank top and some gray sweat pants . After dragging them on , I pulled over my head a white sweatshirt . I ambled into the kitchen and drank my tea black for the first time since 2005 . Cursing , I reach around on the floor to find the paint bottle I just dropped . Why do I keep messing up ? Crumpling up the canvas paper and throwing it into this trash , seems like all I do lately . I need some muse . I crumple up another canvas sheet . Putting my hand up , I plop my head down on it , so that my chin is resting on my palm . What could I do to find muse ? Where could I go ? What could I see ? That 's it ! I rummage around for my sneakers and socks in my room and when I return with them on , I notice there 's blue paint all over the floor where I had just dropped the paint bottle . Heading back to the painting area , I 'm going as fast as I can with out hitting something or tripping , and I end up hitting the toe of my shoe on the wicker table in front of the big , ugly , brown couch . Good thing I 'm wearing my sneakers , because that would have hurt . I note for the thousandth time that my roommate needs better design skills if she 's ever going to be an interior designer . Reaching the painting area , I try to bend gracefully to the floor - remember I 'm not graceful at all - and end up face planting into the blue paint . I get up on my knees and rub the floor slowly with the paper towel - my face can wait , because it will come off my face later , granted with some scrubbing , but not the floor . I remember my mother 's words of how to get paint off the floor if it 's still wet , Don 't scrub ! Move the wet towel slowly in circles around the area of paint on the floor and it will come off easily . So , I do as she would have said . Even if she 's an asshole . It finally comes completely off the floor , so I get up off the floor and trudge to the kitchen to pick up the paper towels and get this crap off my face . In the kitchen - which , I might add , is only five steps away from the living room and two steps away from the painting area , which is just another part of the living room - I throw away the wet , and now blue paper towel . I bend over , grabbing the roll of clean - but now not so clean - paper towels , slowly , but surely , rolling them back up as neatly as possible , which isn 't very neat , but it 'll work to be able to put them back on whatever that white thing hanging up under the cabinets is called . I hang it back up on the flimsy white thing , thinking , I know I could make a better way to hold paper towels , without it falling every chance it gets . The kitchen countertops are light green , which I think is probably the coolest part about this apartment , while the decor in the kitchen is drab . Kate , my roommate and , may I add , sort of best friend , says , If you have that bright of countertops , you shouldn 't have anything bright around them , unless it 's in small doses . I kind of agree with that , actually . Maybe she is sort of good at this design crap . Walking over to the sink again i slowly get a paper towel from next to it , out of that stupid , flimsy , white thing . This time - thankfully - it doesn 't collapse . I , then , wet the paper towel and try the slow circles on my face to see if the trick works on faces , too . Slowly , but surely , the paint starts to come off onto the towel . So , I go do the rest in the bathroom to make sure I get it all . As I finish getting all the blue off of my face , I notice there still a faded blotch of blue thats not coming off . I touch it with my finger to see what it is . I step back as I poke it , because it hurts . I have a bruise from my face plant , Awesome ! Now what was my plan again ? Oh right ! I was going to take a walk ! " Sparky ! " I yell , trying to figure out where my labrador is hiding in the room . She snorts and I realize she 's asleep between the couch and the blue side table - pushing on the floor lamp every time she snores , I might add . That damn thing is going to fall over again . It 's almost as flimsy as the white thingy - whatever it 's called . I decide to leave Sparky behind , since she obviously isn 't going to move , even if I get a treat . She 's a very lazy dog . I rescued her from a shelter about two years ago , she was malnourished and had been used for dog fighting , but for some reason , even though she was mean to the workers at the shelter , she was really sweet to me . The next day , I went back to see if she was still there and had actually bought her a toy that you can put treats in , so the dog takes its time trying to get out their prize . She loved it . The third day , when I came back , the worker there was the same as the day before . She said that I was the only person that Sparky would play with or even get close to . I fed her for the worker , so that maybe she would eat something . She did . I took her home that day . Never thought I would have adopted a dog , much less her . I usually only go to the shelter to see and pet the dogs and cats , but that day was different , really different . I walk out the door and then back track to grab my keys off the cute little hooks by the door that Kate just bought at the Dollar General . They were apparently only a dollar , so she had to get them . Finally I exit the apartment , lock the door , and head down the stairs . While making my way down three flights of stairs I think about how it 's a wonder that I haven 't fallen down these stairs . And then I think one word . YET . I pull open the door to the street . Damn this door is too heavy . Then , I walk out into the cool fall air . I 'm immediately glad I took a walk . The air feels good on my face . With what little trees are around , the leaves have fallen to the ground and it smells of fall . I don 't know why , but fall always smells different than any other season to me . It just has a distinct smell . It 's hard to explain . I attach my keys with my trusty , old keychain hook on my pants and decide to skip down the street . As I 'm skipping , I hear sounds of far away traffic and a siren . No one ever comes down this street , because it 's what me and Kate call a useless street . There are bigger streets around it that most people take , because this one only goes one way . I skip along and then slow down and stare up at the stars . It 's a beautiful night , but you can only barely make out the stars , because of the city lights - even though we 're on the edge of the city . I hear a tingle , then a plop . I can 't figure out what it is at first , but then I realize the trusty keychain broke and my keys fell in the gutter . I get on my knees , even though the street is wet , and look into the gutter . I would have given up on them if Kate was home , but she 's off with her new fling or whatever they call it nowadays . Pulling open the gutter , I reach my hand in as far as I can and I almost get to them . I can 't reach so I get onto my stomach , disgusted by the dirty street and reach again . June 15 , 2013 · 3 : 09 pm When You Were Here , by Daisy Whitney That 's the book I 'm reading right now . It 's a good book , but it 's sad . Teddy always wants to know the good books I read , so now that she has this link I thought I could post a few of the new books I 'm reading . I got it at Barnes and Noble in the YA section in Wrightsville Beach , NC . It was a cool shopping center , but it reminded me of home . There were all kinds of shops . Most were ones that we could find in any shopping center / mall . Like Belk or Coldwater Creek . It was a Towne Center . Just like the one in Mt . Pleasant . It was nice . I remember going there one other time , a few years back . We went to Belk and Coldwater Creek and Barnes and Noble and Claire 's and also Longhorn 's for dinner . It wasn 't a great meal , but we settled . That Longhorn 's is gone now . Now it 's some kind of diner , but that 's good for it , because it wasn 't very yummy . In Wrightsville , there 's this place called Wings . It 's right over the second bridge to Wrightsville Beach . It 's a big salmon colored building with a bunch of beach and souvenir stuff . I love that place . It was a fun vacation , but from the time I got there to the time we left , all I wanted was to go home . It reminded me too much of Pop Pop . All his rules , all his life , all his electronics , his favorite chair , his favorite coffee cups , his favorite bed , all his favorites . I miss him a lot and I cried myself to sleep a lot . I miss him so much . I wish he didn 't have to die . I know it must have been his time to go , but why did it have to be so soon when everybody counted on him . I still feel like it was my fault . Even though they pulled the plug , it was me who put the earphone in his ear and played the song " Asleep " by the Smiths , telling him in my own way that it was okay for him to go , we would miss him , but it was okay if he had to . I know it was my fault . Because I told him he could leave . I should have never done that . Now that song is ruined for me . I can 't listen to that song without crying . I can 't enjoy that song anymore . But I haven 't had the heart to erase it from my iPod . I haven 't had the heart to forget that song . It 's like I need it to know that he 's okay up in heaven and he 's looking down on us . And he keeps us safe . So I can 't get rid of the song . That 's it for now . I 'm going to go read my good book . " When You Were Here " by Daisy Whitney . And smoke a cigarette . So I don 't have to cry anymore . Have a good afternoon , y ' all . Bye . March 19 , 2013 · 2 : 59 pm why would he do that ? He saw me one last time and i should be happy , because that 's what I prayed for . Then , he talks about our future like he always seems to . After that , he deletes his Facebook . And doesn 't contact me again . It 's just rude . Don 't talk about our future together if you 're the one who 's going to disappear . It hurts a lot . Especially since I have no clue whether or not he 's going to show back up or if he 's started doing drugs again . I love him and I don 't want him to be hurt , but he can 't keep doing this . Maybe I just shouldn 't think about him . There 's this cute guy I met the other night , named David ( we 'll call him ) . And all I want is to get over him and be able to live a normal life again . To be able to date someone else , like David , but he just pops back into my life . I should 've done what my mom said and just not listened to his crap on valentines day and just ignored him . I shouldn 't have even answered his call . All he wants nowadays is sex , but what about me ? I thought he loved me . I just want things to go back to normal . I hate this . So many changes have happened and nothing seems normal anymore . I hate change . I HATE it . Why does everything have to change . I just want my Wednesdays with mick back and my sundays at the skatepark . And my mom to say I can stay without the threat of moving out or her kicking me out . I can 't stand this . I want the windows to go back to how they used to be . And my sister to stop yelling all the time . And the yard to have bushes again . I want my dad to do what he says he 's going to do . I hate change . I want to be able to see my dad again after all these years . But now i have a half sister and a step mom . And he has a new life . And i don 't like it . I just want it to go back to how it was . Daddy sitting on the green couch playing tickle monster with me . and gracie peeing herself when she was tickled . i want my mom to not yell about how her life was ruined by daddy . i want saturdays at grandmas house and after swimming in the pool come home and daddy makes mac and cheese . i want mick to love me like he used to . I want my world to go back to how it used to be , when i was happy and mick wasn 't there yet . so i dont have to deal with his bullshit . WordPress . com annieboo325blog · It 's just me , don 't expect anyone else … Blog at WordPress . com . annieboo325blog Create a free website or blog at WordPress . com . Post to |
I once heard or read that good news travels faster than bad news . I have certainly found this to be true . So many heard our news quickly but we have several people that have not heard our bad news . So far I have been asked outright something to the effect of , " where 's the baby / how 's the baby doing ? " I hate this question . It not only makes the person asking it feel awkward , but sometimes makes me almost get teary . Tonight was one of those nights . We went to dinner after B 's ball game and the first person we see inside the place asked us the second we walked in the doors . He also happened to be our first visitor at the hospital when I had B , and also the first person to text Matt with congratulations when Jolie was born . Later as we were eating , another family walked in who I knew . This is the lady I had bought the adorable car seat cover from . The pretty pretty swing and the super adorable car seat cover were my two favorite things I was most excited about to use with Jolie . Of course , when our family said hello to their family before leaving I had to get the look and question from her . . . " how are you doing ? " Everyone feels sorry for us , everyone feels bad , everyone doesn 't know what to say - but we all know there is nothing anyone can do to help it . I thought of J today . I know ( I believe ) she is still doing counseing for a few more weeks with our caseworker . I wondered today how she was doing . I thought for a brief moment about how that is going for her and thought about calling the caseworker to ask . Then I quickly dismissed it . That is not my business to know how she is doing in counseling anymore . Also , I didn 't want to hear about if she had asked for more diapers , formula , rides , etc . like we were told last time . I don 't want to know that she is struggling to do it on her own . I had some good days this week . We have been keeping busy and I have been enjoying my time off . I have found however that I am actually pulling away from those who are closest to me . I have avoided my closest friends who knew up to the minute details . I haven 't felt like talking hardly at all . I have continued to try to hide out as best I can . I hurry to the car avoiding the awkwardness of those who have " heard the news " . I don 't want to cry anymore about it so I try to keep life as normal as possible . I have tons of messages I need to respond to . I was touched by the people who wrote me emails or facebook messages telling me how sorry they were . These really meant a lot to me , even if I was not able to respond right away . I quit my job today . I had called them last week and told them I will let them know by the end of this week when I will be returning . My original plan ( can 't remember if I have talked about this here ) was that I was going to go back to home daycare with Jolie . When I was pregnant with B , I taught for my first year and then did home daycare until he went to school . I currently work with low income families with prenatal - age 3 families doing in home visits . Some of the families I work with have such a similar situation to J and Jolie I just don 't think I can handle going back . I sent them my notice today and it was so hard for me to make the commitment to leaving a job with benefits to one with none . ( But staying home with my baby will outweigh any benefits I could have ) . I only have one child for daycare so I am really stressed about that . I need to pray hard that things will work out for us . Posted by Friday was my birthday . We had planned on this being our first full day as parents to Jolie and would celebrate in another state waiting for ICPC . Instead , we tried to make some other plans for us and I was hoping I would still be able to enjoy the day . Our day started off by heading uptown to eat at one of my favorite sandwich shops . We stopped at Target where Matt and I both got a new CD . Just before we left town I had a call from a flower shop that they had a delivery for me . I said we would just stop and pick it up on our way home . It was from my FIL and my husband 's step mom . We came home and I decided to try to make some cupcakes for my friends for later that night when we were getting together . My sister and her husband were on their way from out of town . Just as I was ready to pop them in the oven , we discovered our oven wasn 't working ! I had also planned to put a dish in after the cupcakes that a friend had made for me the night before ( Thank you Laura ! ! ! ) before we headed to B 's baseball game . I am so blessed and have a grandma who was more than happy to preheat her oven for me as I ran the stuff over to her . She put the dinner in and then was going to bake the cake . Matt ran over to grab the dinner when it was finished just before my sister and husband arrived . My sister ate a little with us and joined us at the ball game . The night was beautiful for a game . I had sent a last minute message earlier that day to several friends to join us a the local brewery after the game . My grandma took B home after the game and several of my friends stopped in . We had a great time , even though there was no cupcakes ! I have some super great friends and family and they made me feel so good . It was so nice to have them there . I felt so loved and supported . The following day 3 of the girls from the night before ( one being my sissy ) joined me for a pedicure . We had 2 hours full of fun and laughter . We decided the only way to get pedis is to get them in a group ! It was great to have my sister in town for the weekend too . We were able to spend lots of time together . I 'm so glad that we have gotten closer than ever over the last few years . I can honestly say that I felt good . Thursday night , Friday , Saturday I really did feel good . I had maybe only one or two times where I felt a little sad . I really did feel full of happiness again however . Sunday , today , was not so good . I 'm not exactly sure what started it . Part of it was that we didn 't go to church . When Matt gets home from work on Sundays we always go to church together before he goes to bed for the day . He was super swamped last night and really just wanted to go to bed . I 'm okay for just B and I to go but he didn 't like that today . He wanted us all to go or all to stay . I knew he was so tired , and my sister and BIL were still here anyways so I just said we would stay . I regretted it almost instantly and should have just gone . Then I said since I was up , I would go for a run since it was early . Hello humidity . I am new to this whole running thing and can 't even call myself a " runner " yet . I am signed up to do my first 5K next Saturday . I have really struggled with the hot humid days . The past two weeks with all of this stuff , I haven 't been out very much and probably won 't make my goal now of running the whole thing . I didn 't care what my time was ( it 's not timed anyways ) I just wanted to run all of it . My sister and hubs were packing up to leave and Matt finally got to get to bed . I pouted on the couch a little and read for a while . I was hot , I couldn 't get back to sleep . I made B some cereal and he hung out watching tv for a while . I got up to take a shower and that didn 't help . I felt so down , so sad , so unmotivated to do anything . All I wanted to do was go back to bed . I hated this day . B and I played a game of Monopoly Jr . He made himself some lunch ( he loves to do that ) and I ate 1 / 2 can of spaghetti o 's I bought for myself the other day ( feeling sorry for myself at the store , thinking these will be such good comfort food . . . . um , really ? I can 't believe I ever liked these ? Bigger letdown for the day ) B played on the computer in the chair by me and I tied to get to sleep on the couch . I felt like a loser mom making my son play by him self for the majority of the day . Later when Matt came out I was still feeling stressed and couldn 't convey this to him correctly . I told him I was sad , stressed , worried but I couldn 't tell him why . I didn 't know why . It was just an overwhelming feeling through out the whole day . I don 't think he " got it " since I had been good the past few days and that irritated me more . I was stressed about needing to figure out what I am going to do for a job ( I am out of paid leave , something needs to be done ASAP ) and I was thinking about tomorrow being Monday and Jolie will be 3 weeks old . Am I forever going to hate Mondays as a reminder of her ? Will I think of her every Monday and try to think about how many weeks she is and how big she is getting ? B goes to art camp this week and I have another counseling appointment on Thursday . I won 't be able to sleep til 10 - 11 with him having camp so I hopefully get some other things done . B has games M - W - F night and I hope to get the baby things that I packed away taken out to storage at Matt 's moms . I have 6 tubs plus things like the bathtub , etc . to take out there . I feel like I have been a bad friend to my friends . I have only been thinking about myself and our family and problems and not talking to any of my friends . I know they are going through things with their relationships , health , and more but I feel so consumed by my situation . Ugh , hoping tomorrow is a better day . Posted by My blog has so many holes recently . I have jumped all over due to lack of energy to do any of it lately . Please excuse me for that . I thought of two things from the post about our trip to the water park after we got the call . We called from home to book a reservation and then headed out of town . It is about a 2 1 / 2 hour drive to get there and they wouldn 't take online reservations for the day of . When we arrived to the lodge , there was a HUGE sign hanging above the entrance " Welcome National Cheerleading Something " . As we looked around we were surrounded by hundreds of high school girls practicing all around the grounds of the place . They were ALL OVER inside and out for the two days . Being surrounded by that many giggly girls could have only been topped off by coming to a baby convention : ) We arrived on Wednesday late afternoon . We swam right away , hung out in the arcade , ordered pizza etc . All of the things we could do to try to get our mind off of reality . When I woke up in the morning , I tried to keep my eyes closed as long as I could . I didn 't want to wake up and face this day . I wanted it to be a very bad dream . I thought if I sleep a little longer I won 't be in the hotel . I won 't be in this other state . I will be that much closer to the baby girl we fell in love with . Our meeting was brief but went so much better than we had thought it would turn out . We had such a feeling of peace after we left . I 'm ready for bed now and will try to celebrate my birthday tomorrow but can 't wait to come back and share the sweet details . J was very excited to meet us on Thurs . We are meeting at the office at 3 : 30 . She said she plans on us having some alone time with Jolie and that when J is in with us she will also be . She better be because this is what bothered us with our last visit . Tomorrow we will say goodbye to a piece of our heart . We will hold her and kiss her . We will tell her how much we will always love and pray for her . How special she is . How much we will miss her . How much we hope her life is filled with happiness . That is all I know so far . I don 't know what I will say to J . I will keep it nice . I don 't ever want to make her feel guilty for parenting . I have thought about writing something to her to read but just not sure if I can do that . I know Matt will cry and be filled with sadness too . I know that Friday , what was going to be our first full day with Jolie as our daughter and also my birthday , will not be filled with happiness and celebration . On Monday I woke up with dreams of Jolie . She would be 2 weeks today . She was supposed to go in for her 2 week check up . I dreamed that I had to go in to the dr to get a note so I could stay home from work using my sick days ( which is true , I need to do this ) I dreamed I went back to the same dr we had done all of the prenatal / post natal visits . When I arrived J was in the waiting room with Jolie but didn 't see me come in . I watched her for about five minutes until she got called back . When she got called back , she put Jolie in her purse ( standing up style - head peaking up over the top ) and went back . I broke down in tears in the waiting room because that was supposed to be our little girl . Later that day I was struggling because I needed to call my work and let them know what was going on . I tried and just couldn 't get the courage . I have so co - workers who know but have some very dumb unprofessional supervisors . I pushed it off until the next day . Later in the day as I laid on the couch I started missing J . I missed her shoes . I missed the way she laughed and things she said . I thought about the day we pulled up to take her to the doctors about for Jolie 's jaundice and she ran her out to us so we could have that extra time with Jolie while she finished getting ready since we were early . This was the first time I have missed her but realized now that I will miss her and A as well . I was looking forward to our relationship that I thought we were going to have . The case worker called later in the day . I was a little irritated we had not heard from her yet from Mon - Mon . She said that when she left town the supervisor told her that we were supposed to shut our phones off while we got away for a bit so she said she would call us Monday . Whatever . Anyways , I told her we would be interested in meeting with J and baby for a final time . Matt thought Thursday would be a good day since 1 - that is the day she said she would sign and we would have our entrustment ceremony and 2 - it is his day off . She said she would ask her about it . I asked her if she thought J would go for it . She said she thought she would because she had been asking about us . I also asked the caseworker something I had asked the supervisor which she did not know . Did J cry when she told her that she was going to have a change of heart ? The answer was no . That made me sad . Everyone at the agency said they did not see red flags , J was very adamant up until the end that she was going with the plan . They are all basically shaking their heads and looking back over the situation . She said she felt like she had been played a little bit when she told her . Maybe in the future I will be able to share a little more of the details that lead up to us feeling this way . I 'm not trying to be anti - birthmother and she has to give us the baby if she says she is going to , but there were a few things that were kind of weird that I haven 't shared because I don 't want people to think badly of J . Posted by We rode most of the way there in silence . I cried a little but it just didn 't feel real . I couldn 't believe after how good things went that we were making this trip . I didn 't really care why at the time , but am glad we were able to hear her reason for having the change of heart once we arrived at the office . When we were a few blocks away , Matt called the supervisor and told her we were almost there . She said she would meet us at the side door . That almost made me feel worse . Things were so bad we couldn 't walk through the lobby and reception area ? ? ? She had told Matt on the phone that yes , J had had a change of heart . As we sat down she said that our case worker had to go to DC that morning ( which we knew ) and that J had called A the night before . She told her that she was going to parent because her husband told her she could keep the baby now . ( Not his baby ) . The adoption supervisor had said she would call us to come in because she didn 't want the case worker to tell us the news over the phone . She was able to answer some of our questions but some we had to wait until A got back from DC . The supervisor told us that J had wanted to call us herself but that they told her no . She asked if we wanted to see J and baby one more time to tell her goodbye or if they wanted us to tell her not to contact us . As we left the office , we left it with we will think about seeing her to say good bye and don 't tell her anything about contacting us . I was curious to see if she would or not . I had never thought of having a chance to say good bye to Jolie so I was a little interested in this option . One more time to tell her we loved her , always will and will always pray for her . I ended up being glad we did go in because it gave us a chance to vent a little . The agencies policy is that we go inactive for a while after a change of heart but there is not set time limit . When we feel like we are ready to go back in and be able to give ourselves to a birth mom again , we can call them . Once we left the office , we headed home . I cried a lot on the way home . We discussed trying to get in to see our counselor friend or our pastor but ended up driving straight back to our son . We had plans to pack up our stuff and hit the road for a few days . I called my mom who had taken B home and asked her to meet us back at our house at 2 . I vaguely remember Matt calling his mom and she was over at his aunt 's house telling her . I don 't remember this very clearly . He must have called her on the way up or text her or something . I remember that when his mom passed the phone to his aunt he started crying . He commented how he could talk to his mom but couldn 't hold up when he talked to her . We stopped at my grandparents ( I am super close to them ) . I called to make sure my grandpa was home and he was . I told them in my big girl - everything is okay - voice that we were going to stop over . They didn 't suspect anything . As we walked in , I hollered " hello " they came walking towards us and had no idea . These were the two who were the most in fear of J taking the baby home . As soon as they saw me , they knew something was wrong . I don 't remember who said what first , Matt or I but I was worried for a second it might kill one of them on the spot . . I know they love me so very much and want nothing more than to see my happiness and my dreams come true . Once we got home , I don 't really remember telling B . I know he didn 't get as upset as we thought . I think he is still to young for that much sadness . He did have his finger in his eye and tell us " I 'm not crying , my eye just hurts " . I know he was sad , but think the concept was too much for him . He was more upset about her not keeping her word . He said , " she said she wanted to adopt and now she 's now " . He was suddenly cheered when we told him we were going to go to Great Wo . lf Lodge . He had wanted to go there forever . We threw stuff in a bag , called to get an overpriced reservation , transfered some money and headed to KC . There were so many reminders during our whole trip there of J , baby Jolie , or A . Jolie sneezed so many times at the hospital and so many people were sneezing at GWL . There were so many cute babies and little girls my heart broke each time I knew we were not going to be carrying one in our arms anytime soon . All of the little swimsuits and things I had ready for our summer baby were soon going to be packed away . As much as we tried to forget about it for awhile the heartache remained . There were hispanic families all around us that reminded us of them . I longingly look into all of the dark brown eyes of each little girl I saw . I tried to imagine if Jolie would look like them as she got older . At one point , I sat in the hot tub while Matt and B were on the slides and cried . I didn 't care that people were looking at me . I had my legs pulled up to my chest , my head down on my knees and let the tears fall . Okay , I figured I would respond now since I had left her hanging a few hours from the first one . I wanted to it gracefully but yet let her know were were not okay . I wrote : J , we are completely heart broken . We are in so much pain right now . We don 't think you did this to hurt us but wish we would have known sooner . B and the rest of our family was devastated ( she was always so big on meeting our extended family ) We understand your wanting to parent Jolie , and don 't hold that against you . Being parents is the most important thing to us and you are the only one who can make the decision for what is best for her . Everytime I look around I am reminded of you , her , or A and it hurts . It means so much to us that you would choose us but right now we are really having a hard time and will always love sweet baby Jolie and never forget our time together with you . And she responded : you can still see jolie , for me you guys are the second parents , you can come anytime and see her I will never take that away u guys were the sweetest persons i ever met and if you like u can see jolie . she is like you guys little girl too . I know you guys are broken i am too cuz i know i hurt good people and am not like that . i wich i could do anything for you guys , sorry am really sorry . I felt like the world was smiling and moving fast and no one knew I was in pain . I tried my best to have fun with B , and of course I did laugh while we were there but as I stood in line and other parents looked around and smiled I had to fight back the urge to tell them I wasn 't really happy . I wanted to know that while they stood there smiling and on vacation , I was in pain . Of course , I didn 't do that , but I don 't think I smiled much at all . I am usually a little picture taking obsessive but I kept asking B if he wanted his picture here , there , or by that . . . . he usually said no ( takes after his dad ) and instead of insisting as I usually would I didn 't even care . This was not a trip I ever wanted to look back on and remember . I dreaded going back home and the real pain . We made it back though and I felt surrounded by the love of our family and friends . Some friends had cleaned my house , did my laundry , and stocked us up with groceries . Some others are bringing a couple meals . Of course I said no at first , but as we have been home a few days , I could care less about getting up to cook . The last two days have not been good for me . I don 't want people looking at me . I don 't want to go outside . I haven 't been able to talk to anyone , let alone my closest friends who knew up to the minute details the whole time . I hurt so bad that I can 't seem to think of trying to talk about it . The messages we have gotten are so appreciated . The texts and facebook messages , along with your blog comments have been such a joy to read . I have not really responded to any of the ones at home , but I read each one and am truly touched . ( missing back ground piece - We had a visit at the agency on Monday with J and baby Jolie . No date was set as we left for our next visit but we had been communicating nearly every day via text / phone / visits . While we were snuggling with Jolie , the case worker and J met briefly . Legal father had signed earlier that morning before going out of town again . Case worker had told J that she would need to set a date and time that night for when she was planning to sign . She had picked June 21 . She wanted her 2 weeks like she had said and this was 2 weeks and one day from leaving the hospital ) Last Wednesday morning , I went for a run while B rides his bike . I jumped in the shower right away when I returned while our son was playing . Matt had worked the night before and was sleeping during all of this . I had texted our case worker that morning before leaving for the trail asking her if she would be able to schedule a visit with us and J that evening . I left the info in the message that we were going to go of town a few days while Matt was off to get our mind off the long wait we still had until the 21st . I said if we could see her Wed . afternoon and Monday we would be okay to make it until the 21st with just those two visits . I didn 't get a quick response so I checked as we got home . Still no response . Then I remembered that she was going out of town that afternoon so I knew a visit with her picking J up and meeting at the office wasn 't going to work . I figured we could probably pick J up again and maybe the supervisor would be able to open a room up for us to meet there still . I knew our case worker wasn 't going out of town until late in the afternoon though so still thought she would contact me . As I got out of the shower I saw I had a missed call from the agency office . I assumed it would be A , the case worker but the voice mail was actually from the adoption supervisor . I didn 't think much of it until I heard the voice mail asking us if we could come in to the office , today if possible . I had only missed her call by a few minutes and tried calling back but kept getting her voice mail . I rang back to the receptionist a few times and finally got through to her . She told me that A had to go out of town and that before she left , she had a conversation with J last night . She wanted us to come in so she could tell us about that conversation . I don 't remember exactly what I said , but it was something like - just tell me , it 's over isn 't it ? She wouldn 't tell me and I told her I had to know before I came up there . At this point I am so completely upset crying and all she is saying is , " Amber is Matt there " I said yes , but kept crying and couldn 't move . After several times of her asking to talk to Matt I said he was asleep but hold on , I 'll go get him . I didn 't want to come upstairs , open our door , and wake him up . I didn 't want this to be real . How could this really be happening ? How ? I opened the door and turned on the light . Since he had only been asleep for about 2 or 3 hours he sat up confused . I was standing in my towel still and my face covered in tears . I said , " It 's Maggie , it 's over " . I collapsed on the floor and he left the room to talk to her . When Matt came back in , he asked if I wanted to stay home . He said he would just go up there and talk to her . I couldn 't move and had my eyes covered tightly with my hands . I didn 't want to look out at the world again . I didn 't want to see any of this happening before me . I was sobbing and just kept saying , " I promised everyone it would be okay , I promised everyone " So many of our friends and family had been worried about J taking Jolie home for a few days / weeks . We told them over and over that we strongly feel she was still on board with the plan . I got mad at them for not trusting us on this ! I said we spent the time with her over the past few weeks and the days together at the hospital . We were the ones who knew her , not them ! Finally , I was able to get up , find something to wear besides my towel . ( Again , I was at a loss for what to wear . What do you wear to a meeting to hear your heart shatter ? ) Since I had just showered , there was no need for any makeup . I know my mom 's heart was just as sad for us . A few minutes later , we were on the road to the office . I was feeling a little irritated that we had to drive all the way there just to have them tell us the bad news . We had spent so much money lately on things related to this that I didn 't feel like this was necessary to go up there . Posted by I know I wasn 't good about getting the story about our first week written . I had all intentions to do it . I was just so tired and exhausted from the stress of it all . We were busy and I still might try to write about those days . We both watched her come into this world , we named her , and I cut the cord . But we are not going to be her parents . J has had a change of heart . Funny , the agency calls it that when our hearts are so very broken . We left town right away and headed to a hotel for a few days to have some family time . We stopped for lunch before getting on the road to come home and it seemed all weekend we had little girls and their daddies around us . As we watched a little girl walk in front of us sipping her soda and holding ice cream in her other hand , Matt looked at me and said , " blue eyed blonde haired white girls just don 't do it for me anymore " . I broke down in tears . We love our brown skinned Jolie so very very much . I talked to J the night before our scheduled induction . She had changed the plans of me picking her up to her meeting me there . She said she would meet me at L & D at 6 : 15 . We were supposed to be there at 6 : 30 . She said her friend P would drop her off . Sunday night Matt was going in to work and B and I got our showers done . Matt and I both drove over to my grandparents to drop off B for the night . We took a quick picture of the three of us , knowing this would be the last time we will be a family of three . Matt headed up to work and I came home to get to bed due to a 4 : 15 wake up time . I took a tylenol pm to help me sleep and luckily , I was able to fall asleep quickly . I wanted to make sure I was at the hospital before her , I didn 't want her to get off the elevator and not have me there . I also wanted to stop in the town my husband works ( on my way ) and be able to give him a kiss before I went to the hospital . He was working his usual shift of 11 - 7 ( Sunday ) and then had training from 8 - 4 ( Monday ) . He did have the okay to leave training if needed early if we called to tell him to head to the hospital . We originally would have had Matt at the hospital the day she went in , but since we have to use so many days before we get to bring the baby home , we decided to have him at least try to do most of his training day . Luckily , Matt was not busy when I was coming through town where he works and we were able to meet for about 10 minutes before I headed to the hospital at a gas station . I felt so much better that I was able to see him and give him a kiss . I knew I would see him soon , I just wished he could be going with me . I knew that it would be a long day of waiting though too , so I was okay . I arrived at the hospital early and actually sat in the garage for several minutes and talked to my mom who was in Colorado on va - ca . About 6 , I headed in to the building and made it through the long hallways and two sets of elevators to reach labor and delivery . It was about 6 : 10 . I sat in the chairs and began my wait . At 6 : 30 , still no J so I text the case worker that I hope she shows up . Right after that , about 6 : 33 she came off the elevator . I was excited to see her and gave her a hug . I was happy and didn 't have any feelings of hurt like I had previously worried about from our conversation Thursday . We checked in at the desk and the nurse took us down to a room . I couldn 't believe we were walking down the hall to start this process . They started with the basics and got her settled into the bed . We waited around for a little while why they completed several forms , paperwork , computer data , etc . Finally a nurse came in and got J ready for her IV . J doesn 't like needles so I held her hand as the nurse took two tries to get it in . Once that was in , it was more waiting . We were now waiting for the doctor to come in and give the okay to start the fluids . Finally , around 8 that was done . Around 9 : 30 they told J she could eat a light meal and she ordered a chicken salad . She had not had anything to eat earlier in the day . The first check they did showed that J was still at about a 2 . She had been at a two for weeks now ! ! The doctor went ahead and ordered the pitocin to begin . J dozed in and out a few times . I thought I might be able to sleep a little while we were waiting , but I was just too excited about what was going on . I think I probably reached my month long text limit however that morning ! I had brought some books and magazines but I wasn 't able to concentrate on those either . I was actually impressed with how fast the day was moving . Her contractions were starting to pickup and she was checked again and was at a 4 . She decided it was about time for her epidural . The nurse told me to stand in front of J and help support her . I had always heard that the epidural needles are not fun so I just tried to not look at it while they were doing it . I don 't mind needles but I just don 't like to necessarily watch them . I had ahold of J 's hands and was holding so still , worrying about this hurting her . I was holding my breath trying to hold as still as possible when I realized I wasn 't breathing . I started to get sweaty and light headed so I tried to tell myself to breath . I wanted so bad to continue to hold her hands but was worried I was going to pass out ! It wasn 't from seeing anything or getting sick with watching / listening to them . . . . it was just that I was trying to hold too still ! I made it through but don 't think I could have made it more than a few minutes longer . Matt arrived around 12 : 30 and was able to leave his training to come be with us . When he arrived , J was very quiet and reserved . I even noticed she would hardly look at him . I thought that was weird since one of the things she had said to the case worker was that she thinks he is not very excited about the baby . The case worker arrived around 1 and Matt and I were able to run down to get some lunch in the cafeteria . I had a deli sandwich , chips and cookies and he had a taco salad . I know this is such a little detail , but I don 't ever want to forget these things . The case worker stayed until about 3 and then had to head out to another appointment . She said she could come back if we needed her but we just said we would let her know if there was any news . Matt tired to go sleep in a lounge down the hall but there were too many people blabbing , even with his head phones in . J started to come around to Matt again and slowly started to warm up to him . He tried to take a little snooze in the chair from not having any sleep from working but that wasn 't really working . Around 4 : 30 Matt was thinking of going to get a hotel room nearby . They had recently checked her and she was at a 5 . They were planning to break her water but it broke on it 's own as they checked her . They said they would like to see her go 1 cm an hour and we figured if she wasn 't going to have the baby for several hours he might be able to get some sleep in before it was go time . I asked the nurse if she thought it was a good idea if he leave the hospital to go somewhere nearby and explained how he had worked and hadn 't gotten any sleep . I was hoping at this point they would mention about us having another room on the floor for us that I had heard about . I had been told that lots of times hospitals will offer you a room if they have extras . There were plenty of extra rooms . They were definately not busy but no offer was ever made for us to actually get our own room . The nurse did find a room that he could go take a nap in . We were appreciate of this and it was going to be perfect for him to get some sleep . She took him down the hall and I told him I would come and get him as we got closer . The plan had always been that I would be in for delivery and he would be waiting outside . About 15 minutes after he left , they checked her again . She had now jumped from a 5 to a 9 1 / 2 . Holy smokes it was almost time ! She asked the nurse how many people could be in the room during delivery . They said 3 or 4 depending on how many docotrs / residents are there . As they left the room , I asked her if she had someone else she wanted in the room . She said that P had wanted to be in there so she started calling him right away . She had talked to him earlier around lunch time and he said he was on his way up . It was now about 5 and we still hadn 't seen him . She tried and tried to get ahold of him and was not able to . I think she was a little upset that she couldn 't get in touch with him . I decided since she wanted someone else I was going to go for it . I asked her if she wanted Matt to be in there with us . I said I totally understand if she says no because that was not our original plan . She said sure , that 's okay . I checked and rechecked to make sure she was comfortable with this . I told her he was not planning to be in so he is okay if he just waits . She sounded like she was okay with it however . I asked the nurse to show me what room he was in and went down to wake him up . Since he had only been asleep for about an hour , he was startled when I woke him up . I told him she jumped to a 9 1 / 2 after he left , she was ready to have the baby , and he was going to be in the room . It took him a few minutes to blink a few times and gather his thoughts but shortly after we were headed down to the room . As we arrived back in the room , things were getting set up and ready to go . I asked her if she was ready and she said yes . The nurses and doctors were filling the room and then a male doctor came in and introduced himself . The two female doctors we had had all day were residents and he said he was just going to be supervising in the background and hopefully no help from him will be needed . They asked who was going to cut the cord and J said the mom or the dad . I spoke up and said I would " since Matt didn 't cut the cord on B " . I knew he wouldn 't have wanted to this time either because he would have had to get too close to a view he wasn 't interested in seeing . They asked her if they wanted them to clean the baby up first or put her right on J 's chest . She opted for right on her chest . Matt got in to place up behind her shoulder and was ready with the camera and I was down by her knee . I was rubbing her arm and the room was silent . It was such a moment for me with all of the silence . J had not made a peep with pain and the doctors and nurses were standing in wait . It was such a surprise to me and seemed so calm . This was not what I expected . Everyone was just waiting . . . . They told her with the next contraction that she could push three times . They were standing silently waiting for her to tell them when the next one came . I had silent tears come lightly down my face because I was awe of the moment we were in . My heart was filled with such joy . Of all the adoption dreams , being involved with the delivery was at the top . I am so thankful for the opportunity . She told us " okay " when the next one came and they had her push . The baby was right there as she pushed and J didn 't make a sound the whole time . I wasn 't going to watch really . . . . didn 't think I really wanted to see that . . . . but as I peeked down and could see her head starting to emerge , I was sucked in . I couldn 't believe this was happening and she was just moments away from something I have waited so long for . She pushed again and her head was out . As much as I wanted to not watch even still , I couldn 't help but continue . She had one more push and her shoulders were out . They told her to slow down but it seemed that baby was on it 's way out with or without her help . I remember thinking how purple she looked and the cord was wrapped around her neck a little . One of the doctors was trying to unwrap it over her neck but the male doctor said , " it 's okay just push right through it " . She pushed once more and she was out ! Her legs were so long and tried to sneak a peak to see if she was really a she ! I had been so worried about this since I had so much pink ! They quickly said it was a girl and I just remember thinking how stinkin ' cool that just was ! She started to cry and then I did too ! It was absolutely beautiful . They laid her on J and she didn 't show very much emotion . She held her but didn 't cry or seem to smile . She just looked at her as she held her while the nurses were wiping her off , suctioning her , checking heartbeat , etc . It was such a moment . I was totally lost in it . I don 't remember looking at Matt , I just stared at J and the baby . I was so happy for her that she did it and made it look easy . I told her I was so impressed with how she did . The nurse told me to get ready and that I was going to carry her over to the scale . I crossed over through the " business " part and thought I was going to be in the way . Everyone was fine with me crossing through and I didn 't feel like I was in the way . As I got to the other side and saw Matt staring at the baby in J 's arms , I said I needed to get a picture of him . He handed me the camera and I took a few . I said I 'm sorry to the nurse who was waiting for me to bring the baby over , but she said " you 're fine , this is your moment , take as many as you want " . I took a few more and then brought her over to the scale . She weighed in at 7 . 15 . 9 and they called it good at 8 . She was so much bigger than we thought ! We were thinking only 6 or 7 something . As they finished her checks , I checked in on J . She appeared to be doing good . I was so proud of her . I still have so many people I haven 't called yet or contacted . It is just exhausting . All we want is to have her here with us and I feel so out of energy and motivation . I can 't wait to come back and tell about our hospital stay , and I 'm hoping to tonight . I just wanted to pop in to let all of my 8 readers know that she is beautiful ! Long story very short - things went wonderful ! Our experience was great and went better than I could have imagined or worried about . I really haven 't slept since Thursday . Honestly my stomach is so sour on the situation so I am hoping that tomorrow when we are together I feel back to normal . I talked to both case workers - ours I think is trying to keep my calm , the other one was more honest and did say she is concerned about the situation . I know they have talked to the director and I am waiting to hear back from the other one tonight . I tired to take a nap today but that didn 't work . B is going to grandma 's tonight and Matt will go to work . He has a training tomorrow after his shift but will be able to meet us there if she starts to go earlier than the later afternoon / evening like the doctor thinks it will be . We had planned for me to pick her up but when I called to confirm time and place today , she said she will just have P drop her off at the hospital . So , I guess I am meeting her there . I am really nervous about the delivery . I haven 't done anything like this ( who has when they go into a delivery for the first time though ) I am trying to get packed and get things ready . I think I will get up earlier and stop to give Matt a kiss before I head to the hospital . He works in the town between us and the hospital . I hate that he can 't go with me , but since she will most likely be just waiting all day , we need to have him save some of his time . 2012December 10 - Induction is scheduled for ADecember 7 - Scheduled to bring A down to our house for a visitDecember 4 - Scheduled to meet expecting dad K - Canceled 12 / 3 by edadNovember 28 - Matt and I meet with expecting mom A and her parentsNovember 21 - " The Call " comes in that our profile was selected by A . October 17 - Final papers completed & mailed to finish renewal paperworkOctober 3 - Homestudy renewal visitAugust 31 - Homestudy renewal packet arrives in mail . August 30 - Agency calls to tell us that we were not selected . August 29 - Agency calls regarding a scenario of an expecting mom being induced tomorrow . We choose to have our profile shown for baby girl . August 24 - Agency calls to tell us that we were not selected . August 23 - Our 9 year anniversary . Agency calls with a scenario of a baby born the previous day . We choose to have our profile shown to baby girl . August 14 - Agency calls to tell us that we were not selected by expecting parents for baby boy . August 8 - Agency shows our profile to expecting couple . Our first since becoming actively waiting again . We were notified it was between us and the selected couple . July 18 - Meet with agency to become " active " in the waiting game again . June 21 - Planned day for us to take custody of baby girl . Instead , meet at agency to say goodbye . Have alone time with baby and meet with mom to say goodbye . June 13 - Agency director calls us to inform of us J 's decision to parentJune 12 - J meets with caseworker and informs her of decisionJune 11 - Scheduled visit with baby and JJune 11 - Legal father signs termination papersJune 9 / 10 - We don 't see baby girlJune 8 - Birthfather 's rights are terminatedJune 8 - Return to dr . again with J and babyJune 7 - We go to baby 's check up at dr . with JJune 6 - Baby girl goes home from hospital with JJUNE 4 - Happy Birthday Baby Girl ! May 31 - Amber goes to Dr . apt . with JMay 26 - Amber and B have lunch with J and AMay 24 - Amber goes to Dr . apt . with JMay 17 - Amber goes to Dr . apt . with JMay 16 - Tour of L & D at hospitalMay 12 - Second false alarm to hospitaLabels |
Spoiler Alert ! Click to show or hideHer black hair flowed in the heat of the blow - dryer as she took her time getting ready . She tied her favorite red ribbon on the top of her head and looked at herself , then smiled . Today was going to be a great day . She grabbed her bag , which was virtually empty thanks to the lack of textbooks , kissed her unsuspecting father on the cheek , then waved to him and ran out the door . Kira Matsume was on her way to school on the last day of the school year , all ready to finish her last exam . She heard the chirping of a bird and looked to her right to see one of her brother 's favorite birds , a nuthatch . " He absolutely loves those ! " she thought to herself . Quickly and quietly , she reached into her bag and brought out her camera . Then , she took a very good , close up picture of it . Just as she snapped the photo , it flew off in the direction of the school . She smiled , looked around to see if there were any more , and then headed on her way , putting her camera in her bag once more . Kira had just turned around a corner close to the schoolyard , when she suddenly stopped short . Four tall , snobby looking boys were loitering around the front gate , one of which she knew all too well . His name was Travis Henderson . He was the leader of a racist gang that always used to pick on Kira when she first arrived to the US , especially about her English , but now he and his gang just hustled her for some money every once in a great while . Kira walked up to them behind some bushes , hoping to sneak past them , but she accidentally stepped on a few twigs , and they indeed heard her . She tried to run , but they then saw her . " Well , don 't just stand there , ya dimwits , get her ! " he barked at them all , and immediately they took off after Kira . Kira thought that there was no where to turn , until she quickly spotted an alley not too far from her location . She knew that she was faster than Travis 's goons , so she sprinted for the alley . She was running pretty fast , for she was scared to slow down or the boys would catch her , and they were right on her heels now , so if she slowed down even a little , they would grab her . Kira took a corner as one of the gang members was about to grasp the back of her skirt her , and all three ran into the wall . She smiled at her quick wit , and continued running . Kira then looked around , but didn 't recognize any of the places that she passed . It was getting late , and she knew that she would miss her first class if she didn 't hurry . She decided that she would take the next alley that popped up and see where it lead . Seeing one up ahead , she took a quick right and followed the unknown road . " God , why did I have to take this godforsaken alleyway ? " She said to herself , but as soon as she said it , the alley opened up to the street on the opposite side of the school . Kira looked around , looking for Travis and his gang of buffoons . When she saw that they weren 't there , she gave a small leap of joy and ran to the gate of the school , just as it was closing . She got inside alright , but she was late and got scolded for it . Kira couldn 't help but sigh as she headed off to class . She told herself that she would try to explain the principal why she was always late , but knew that she was never going to be taken seriously . Hoping to catch some study time before her test , she ran to meet up with her friends . She was walking in the hallway when her friend Maddie ran up to her . Maddie wasn 't like other girls , she was a punk , with her blond hair slung over one eye , a long skirted uniform , and , being as tall as she was , no one messed with her . Kira smiled as she saw her and the two of them headed for first class . Maddie sped up and walked beside Kira . " They bothered you again , didn 't they , Kira . " She had hit the nail on the head . Kira winced as if she herself had been hit . Maddie wasn 't stupid . Underneath that punk - like exterior was some major brainpower . She wasn 't what most people would call " A dumb blond " ; she wasn 't one of those girls who 'd believe a spaceship was parked in front of the school , and even if Kira tried to hide it , Maddie could read her emotions like a book . To her friend , Kira just nodded sadly . Maddie sighed a heavy sigh . She knew that it was nearly impossible for Kira to avoid them , since they waited for her at the gate every day now that exams were occurring , but she had to find a way to get to school without running into them . " Next time , Maddie , wait at the gate so I don 't run into them at all . They are afraid of you , after all . " she stated while chuckling . . Maddie shrugged and continued to grin . " Whatever you say , Kira , " she responded chuckling . Kira smiled and the two of them headed for their first class , Biology . They only had seconds to get there , so Kira and Maddie ran straight through the abandoned hallway , which was closest to their classroom . They were always the first ones there because they were more than punctual . The teacher had just shown up , so she let them in and Kira and Maddie went to take their seats in the back . They brought out their home work and checked each others ' work , then once they were done with that , they went up and showed the teacher . The teacher smiled and nodded , taking the papers and putting them in a pile where the collected homework would be placed once the other students came into the room . Kira and Maddie smiled at each other and went back to their seats . Just as they sat down , the second bell rang . All of the kids began to file in , a few at a time , handing their homework over to the teacher as the passed her . As the kids were walking in , Kira noticed someone else walking with them . It was a teacher , but he looked oddly familiar . That 's when she noticed who he was . It was the principal . Kira leaned over to Maddie . " I doubt it , that 's the teacher 's job , " Kira replied , shaking her head . Just then the principal looked at Kira and Maddie with intense eyes , ones that had a hint of cockiness and all kinds of malice . The girls quickly stopped talking and went back to their work , keeping a close eye on him . Then , the teacher got up and left the room , which the girls assumed the reason was to talk to the principal . Maddie and Kira couldn 't hear what they were saying , but they knew it wasn 't just a friendly hello . Maddie looked at Kira with an annoyed expression . " I don 't know , Mad , " Kira replied , looking back at Maddie , " But whatever it is , it 's not good . " A few minutes later , the teachers came back in . The principal looked at Kira and Maddie with that half evil , half angry look of his again . The girls shivered , but their nerves were not quelled as the teacher walked up to them and told them that they were needed in the principal 's office . The girls looked at each other . Maddie just shrugged . " Why ? " Kira asked , looking at the teacher again . The teacher just stood there and told her again that she was needed in the office , her eyes saying that she was worried about the two girls . Kira raised an eyebrow and looked back at Maddie , who just shrugged again , but did not lower her guard . She kept eying the principal suspiciously as she and Kira got their stuff together and followed the man out of the room , closing the door behind them . Maddie and Kira followed the principal down the hallway and to the office , but they still had no idea what was happening . They looked at each other from time to time , but neither had an clue about what to do . They looked back at the principal occasionally as well , who all this time had been quiet and had his back turned to them . When he did turn to them , they hung their head as if they had done something wrong . When he turned back around , Maddie and Kira would exchange glances and return to following him without looking at him . They finally got to the office and the secretary was there waiting . She put on a smile and said hello to the principal , but the principal just walked right by her and into his office , ignoring her completely . Kira and Maddie looked at each other , and then at the secretary . She just smiled halfheartedly and continued to type at her computer . The girls sat down on the bench and waited for their turn to go in . The secretary looked up at them and said , " You guys can go in , you know . You 're the only appointment he has today . " Kira and Maddie looked at the secretary as she spoke . They got up and walked to the door . Maddie was about to open it , but then the handle turned from the other side . Maddie looked back at Kira , but Kira said nothing , so Maddie stepped back and let the door open on it 's own . Out walked the principal , still looking like he wanted to kill someone . He grabbed Kira and Maddie by their arms and dragged them into his office . The girls struggled , but nothing they did made him loosen his grip . The principal dragged the girls and shoved them into the chairs on the opposite side of his desk , which wasn 't very organized . There were coffee stains on the paper 's he was working on , and there were food crumbs all over the place , not to mention the place looked like it hadn 't been cleaned in a whole year It even smelled strange , like a rotting egg . Kira was disgusted , but Maddie seemed to not notice . She was looking directly at the principal , annoyance and irritability showing on what you could see of her face . The principal was looking at the wall , not at them at all . He then spoke in a voice that sounded as sly as a snake hiss . " What did we do , sir ? " Maddie asked modestly , not taking her eyes off of him . He wasn 't going to break her like he could to most of the other students . The man only smiled slyly to them and he crossed his hands under his chin . " I have been getting complaints from a few boys that Kira here , " he pointed a hand toward her as he spoke , " Has been taunting them , then has led them down dark alleys and gotten them lost . I disapprove this behavior , Kira , and Maddie , you have been taunting other girls and saying that you would be better off if you , quote , ' pummeled them into the ground ' . That sounds like a threat , and threats are not allowed in or on school grounds , " he turned to each of them in turn , putting his hands on the coffee - stained desk , " Can either of you recall these events ? " Kira and Maddie just looked at him . He had the right idea , but the wrong perspective . Kira stood up while Maddie just looked at him . " Sir , I can recall that these boys followed me into the alleys , but I will assure you , I have not been taunting them , not at all ! If anything , they have been taunting ME ! " she stated defiantly . She was about to slam her hand on desk , when Maddie grabbed it and stood up . " Sir , why are you doing this ? , " she asked , to which Kira and the principal both turned to her , " Kira has complained about these boys before and you have done nothing , yet all of a sudden these boys come to you and you punish my friend ? And those girls would be better off with a punch in the face if I do say so myself . " She wanted to get to the bottom of this , even though she did also want to get out of there as fast as she could . Kira wanted to get out as fast as she could . The principal 's office was creepy and gross . " I just wanted to give you girls the punishment you deserve , that 's all , " he said with that sleazy smile of his , but both girls knew something else was up . Even though they knew , they didn 't ask anymore questions , so they got their punishment , which was garden work out front , and left . They sprinted back to class , but by the time they got to the classroom , the bell rang and all of the kids were filing out again . They tried to hurry through the mass of oncoming students , but they were having a hard time . " NO ! ! ! " they both cried as they jumped and rolled into the classroom . They finally got in and asked if they could take their exam , which they knew they had missed . The teacher smiled and said they could , so they sat there for the next period and took their Biology exam . After their exam , they left the building , said goodbye , and parted ways . Kira was already late for the plane back to Osaka , and she knew her dad would want an explanation for it . Besides , she didn 't have time to do garden work in front of the school . She just wanted to get home before . . . Kira felt a hand come down hard on her shoulder and stopped immediately . She knew who it was before she even had to look . She turned around to see , staring at her with cold black eyes , was the principal . He hadn 't gotten to Maddie , but she was not as fast as Maddie , so she had gotten caught . His eyes were serpentine again . He smiled that evil smile . When he talked though , it wasn 't sharp , but soft , like he was talking to his own daughter . The principal merely laughed the most evil laugh she had ever heard . She didn 't know what he was laughing at , but she was sure that it had something to do with what she had just said . She shivered as he started to calm down , and he looked at her again . He smiled and got down on his knee . She was scared , but held her ground as he just shook his head , like a father scolding his daughter . " You know you have responsibilities to the school , Ms . Matsume . You need to fulfill them , even after school is over , " he stood up and leaned down to her , his face inches from hers , which made Kira even more uneasy , " You need to do these things for the school , because this school is your responsibility as much as it is every other student 's , and you need to take care of it just the same as they would . So , " he stated as he stood up , " Go do your duties . " And with that , he walked off . Kira stood there speechless . The only thing going through her mind was , what had just happened ? " Whatever , " she thought , " Let 's just get it done and get it over with . " So she went and did her community service , which took quite a while , put the trash in the dumpster , all the while getting her favorite uniform dirty , and hurried home , where she knew her furious father would be waiting for an explanation . Spoiler Alert ! Click to show or hideKira raced home as fast as her tired , aching legs could carry her . She knew the amount of trouble she would be in because she was late , and she was in even more trouble because of the after school cleaning she had unfairly been forced to complete . With that thought in mind , she ran faster and eventually arrived at her house . She noticed that her father 's car was in the driveway . " He 's home from work early , " she thought . She walked up to the door and was about to open it , when it suddenly flew open and a man , about seven feet tall , stood in the doorway , arm crossed and foot tapping angrily . He had a business suit on and his red hair was all greasy from the work he had done that day . She looked down at the sidewalk . " I 'm sorry , Father . The principal made me stay late and clean the school yard because of some complaint that he got from those boys that always chase me down for my money , " she answered truthfully . Kira assumed that her father wouldn 't believe her like always , but this time he did the opposite . He smiled , which was very strange for him in this kind of situation . He then walked around her and put his arm around her . Kira looked up and smiled at him " This is why I didn 't want you going to that school , Kira . That principal at the open house seemed suspicious to me . But I guess there 's nothing I can do now , is there ? " he replied with a chuckle , which made Kira smile a little . " Maybe I 'm not going to be punished after all , " she thought to herself . She chuckled as well and walked inside with him . Kira went to the table with her father . He had all of Kira 's clothes and the things she had packed the night before . She quickly rushed it out to the car grinning at her dad like the Cheshire cat , who just smiled right back . He then walked out to the car and put her CD player in the passenger seat . He also put a few of the CD 's she had bought in the seat with the player . She was about to leave , but then remembered something . " Wait a second , Dad , " she said and ran back inside , up the stairs , and to her room . She opened the door to find her cat , Chichi , sitting on the floor lazily . She sighed and picked him up , putting outside the door and giving him a gentle push . She then walked to the bed and reached under the pillow . What she pulled out was a picture , but it was a special one . It was one of her and her mother and father and brother having a picnic at Yamamoto Garden in Osaka . She smiled every time she looked at it , and thought that since she was going back to Osaka , she would bring it with her . Kira then walked over to the window , waved down to her father , who was honking the horn impatiently , and ran downstairs and out to the car . She hopped in front with her dad , who then drove off to the airport . The airport was filled to the brim with people and Kira was just one of the many . She and her father walked through the masses and to the ticket counter , where they got the ticket for Kira . They walked all the way to her terminal and stopped . Her dad turned to her , where he saw she was nervous , and knelt down next to her . " Don 't worry about them , Kira , worry about you . " He pointed at the gate , " You see that ? " Kira looked at where he was pointing , which was at a big flight board above the terminal . She nodded . " That 's what you need to watch , " he explained , " That 's where you see when your flight 's leaving . Don 't forget to look up there every now and then . Your flight doesn 't leave for another 2 hours , so you can go to the gift shop or something , but remember to look up at that flight board , okay ? " Kira smiled and nodded again , and then turned to face him . " But everyone calls me Red , " he added . Kira shrugged and gave her dad one more kiss on the cheek , then began to walk toward the terminal . Gosai walked up behind her . " Okay , when you get there , go straight to the train station , go to your grandmother 's house , and get your little brother . then go to your mother 's house , got it ? " Kira nodded . She had heard the plan over 50 times , but she still was afraid of forgetting it if she got scared . Gosai smiled . He gave her a look that said " Don 't worry too much . " It made her smile with confidence . They then hugged again and went their separate ways . One hour later , after going to the gift shop and the food places , Kira was making her way to the waiting part of the terminal , when she saw something that made her stomach wretch . Standing there , looking around the airport , suit and all , was her principal . She was so shocked that she couldn 't move . It was then that the principal spotted her . He smiled and started to walk up to her . She didn 't know what to do . She couldn 't escape to the plane yet because it wasn 't there , and wouldn 't be for another hour . She had to buy time , so she ran into a mass of people . The principal ran after her . She turned around to see he was following her . Turning a sharp right , she ran all the way to the terminal . Kira was panting when she got there , and she was out of breath , but she looked up at the person running the counter and pointed behind her . " What are you talking about ? " she said , " There are no mad men in this airport . " Kira looked behind her to see the principal hadn 't followed her . She then turned back to the woman at the counter with a sorrowful look . Another hour later , the plane arrived and she got on , all the while looking around for her stalker principal . When she got on , she quickly found her seat and sat down . She had just taken out her CD player and started to listen to it , when her cell phone started to ring . She took it out and saw it was from her grandmother 's house . It must be him , she thought , and answered it quickly . " Hai , onee ~ chan . I wish I could fly on a plane . It would be so cool ! I could . . . " his voice trailed off as he listed things he would like to do while flying an airplane . . Kira just chuckled and smiled . " Sayonara , Kyo ~ otouto ~ kun ! " she said and hung up . Just as she hung up , a little brown - haired boy wearing a backpack with a fire design and a shirt with flames on the front of it got on the plane and walked over to her seat . She looked up and smiled to him , but he just stood there , looking scared . " Sure thing ! " she answered . She looked at the seat number on the ticket and smiled as she handed it back to him , " You 're sitting right here , next to me ! " The little boy smiled . " My big brother gave it to me . He is in Osaka right now . " " Is that where you 're going ? " she asked . The boy nodded . " Yeah , I 'm going to meet him , then we are going to live there for a while . I was a little nervous , but now that I met you , I 'm not so scared , " he explained . Kira only chuckled . " I 'm glad , " she said . She looked out the window and cringed as she saw her principal walk out onto the runway , looking for her , no doubt . She looked back at the little boy and saw he had brought out a little game and was playing it intent on defeating it . She laughed to herself a little and looked out the window again . A few second later , she felt a poke on her shoulder . She turned to see the little boy had his game on pause and was looking up at her . She smiled . " Sure ! No problem ! " Austin replied excitedly . The rest of the way , Kira taught Austin all kinds of phrases in Japanese , having fun learning new things to say and getting to know each other better . Spoiler Alert ! Click to show or hideThe giant metal plane was hovering gently over the clouds and blue water as they flew over the borders of Osaka , Japan . On this plane , Kira was teaching Kaji ( Austin ) some Japanese phrases that might be useful when they land , which would be very soon . Kira was in the middle of teaching Kaji how to ask for something politely , when all of a sudden the plane jerked forward . Kira was thrown from her seat , but Kaji held on tight . He looked around at the other passengers on the plane , who all seemed very calm , like they had been through this before . " We are going to land soon , Kaji . I suggest we buckle in , " she answered . He nodded and buckled himself into the seat as well . Then they waited until they could see the ground from the window . What they saw was a packed and busy runway . Kira knew this was normal for the airport , but Kaji had never seen such a busy airport in his life ! They looked at the people in the runway , getting on and off planes , entering the building , getting sodas and snacks , etc . Kaji was amazed and scared at the same time , for he had never been around so many people . Kira saw the nervousness on his face and put a reassuring hand on his shoulder . He looked up quickly and returned a small smile . Kira smiled back and they both turned their attention to the runway . Kaji saw something that made him smile from ear to ear , and he pointed down onto the runway with enthusiasm . " Look ! My big brother is down on the runway waiting for me ! " he answered excitedly . Kira looked out the window with him , and sure enough , standing on the runway , about the same height as her and looking a little like Kaji , was a boy with shoulder - length white hair , carrying a bag on his back . Kira saw him and blushed a little . He 's cute , she thought . Kaji noticed a family that consisted of a little boy and an elderly woman and pointed to them as well . " Hey , Kira , isn 't that your family over there ? " he asked . Kira pulled herself away from her daydreaming and turned to look . Kaji was right , there was a little boy and his grandmother who looked a little like her standing there , too , but not next to Kaji 's brother . " Of course I 'm glad to see them , " she answered , " I was just wondering why they came here , instead of waiting at their house like they usually do . That 's all . " Kaji nodded and turned his attention back to the window . They were very close to the ground now , so Kira decided that she would get up and retrieve their luggage from over their heads . Kaji just kept his attention on the ground of the runway as it came speeding up to the windows . At that moment , the pilot came over the speaker and told everyone to remain seated for the last part of their trip , so Kira quickly sat down and told Kaji to stay in his seat . He nodded and got back into his seat just as the wheels under the plane hit the pavement . The plane jumped around slightly , then came to a halting stop . Once the doors were all opened , the passengers started to file off one by one , with Kira and Kaji following behind everyone . Once they were off the plane , Kaji immediately ran toward his brother . Kira wasn 't going to stop him and began to walk over to her family , when she felt a pull on her shirt . She turned to see Kaji standing there with . . . . . his brother . Kira was shocked , but kept her cool and just stood there with a gentle smile . " Oh really , he was sitting right next to you ? " he asked , then chuckled , " Well , I guess that helps . " Kira blushed more then tried to hide it . Kyle and Kaji half dragged , half walked Kira to her little brother and grandmother . All the while Kira was blushing and telling them that she could walk on her own . Every time she said she could walk by herself , Kyle looked back and smiled that sweet smile of his , which immediately made her stop talking and keep walking . As the two parties met up , Kira stood and smiled to her younger brother . The boy ran to her and hugged her tightly around the waist . Kira only returned the embrace , . " Good to see you , Kyo ~ kun , " she replied as she kissed his cheek . Kyo quickly rubbed his cheek in disgust , which made everyone laugh . Kyo smiled and looked at Kaji and Kyle . " and I 'm Austin , " Kaji said , but then added quickly , " But Kira gave me a different name . A Japanese one . She calls me Kaji , " Kyo chuckled and smiled . " A lot of the people here . They all call me one weird word , and I have no idea what it means , " he said . Kira shrugged . " I . . . I don 't know what your talking about ! " she told him and turned away from him . Kyo and Kaji laughed . Kyle just smiled . " Sisters , what are you going to do with them , " Kyo said . Kaji smiled and shrugged . They laughed . Kira frowned at him and turned away again . " Hey , Kira and Kyo , if it 's not too much trouble , could Austin and I come and have dinner with you guys ? Our parents aren 't going to be home tonight and we can 't cook . " Kira and Kyo looked at each other . They smiled . " Karera wa yūshoku no tame ni taizai dekimasu ka ? " she asked in Japanese , since her grandmother knew no English . Her grandmother nodded and smiled , proud that Kira knew her native tongue so well . Kira gave her a peck on the cheek and smiled . " I think I will just call you Yuki . It 's cooler , " she said , giggling at the pun she had made . Kyle looked at her . " Kyo ~ kun ! Come on ! We 're going home ! " she yelled to her little brother , but as far as she knew , she was already home . Spoiler Alert ! Click to show or hideKira 's crew had finally reached her grandmother 's house after a long drive and all walked inside . Kyo and Kaji plopped down on the couch in the living room while Kira and Yuki went with her grandmother into the kitchen . The yellow - tiled walls were covered in pictures of Kira and Kyo when they were little and pictures of them with their parents . Yuki smiled when he saw one of the pictures . It had a 7 - year - old Kira in her bathing suit in the wading pool and her little brother in his little swim trunks . They were splashing around , having fun . Kira walked up behind him . " My Dad is living over in the US in California , but my Mom . . . " She didn 't finish , but instead looked away at one of the pictures . It was of her father , brother and her at their mother 's funeral , a black box in front of three black clad , somber people . Kyo was even crying and holding onto Kira , who was also crying . Yuki took the hint . " It 's okay , " she replied , " She died in a tragic car accident . I saw her when she was in the hospital . She was all torn up . " Yuki lowered his head and looked away . " Yeah , it was , " she said , turning to him , " I still feel like that every time I see someone rushed off to the hospital because I think it 's someone I know , but it never is . I mean , I always think that there was something I could have done to prevent it , or help in some way . " Yuki looked at her and put a reassuring hand on her shoulder . " Yeah , " she replied . Just then Kaji and Kyo came rushing into the room , frantically waving their arms about and yelling something inaudible . They both started to pull Kira toward the door , but Kira pulled away from them . " Come on ! We 'll show you ! " he pleaded as he tried to drag her along . Yuki walked up to his brother and pulled his hands off of Kira . " Austin , don 't do that . It 's rude ! " he said to him . His brother didn 't care , for he grabbed right back onto her arm and kept pulling her . Kira looked at Yuki and shrugged , and so she let herself be pulled out into the backyard . Kira thought that the two boys had gone crazy , because she didn 't see anything suspicious , but the young boys kept pulling on her until they had pulled her over to the woods . That 's when they stopped pulling and instead pushed her toward the woods . Kira stood up and turned to face the boys with her hands on her hips . " Come on , " she started , " Like anything unnatural would fall from the skies at this time of year . You could go check it out yourself , you know , if you weren 't such a chicken . " Kyo 's hurt look made her sigh . Seeing her agitation , Yuki walked up next to her . " That 's not funny , Nee ~ chan . There really is something in there . Maybe I am a chicken , but I really don 't want to . . . . " he didn 't say anymore . " Want to what , Kyo ~ kun ? " she asked . He still didn 't say anything . He was looking right behind Kira , where a dark shadow had suddenly manifested itself . Kira hadn 't noticed yet , but Kaji and Yuki saw this and pointed . " Um . . . Kira ? " Yuki tried to tell her . Kira looked at him , then turned around , but it was too late . The shadow grabbed her and quickly knocked her out , picked her up , and ran into the the woods . Kira didn 't know what had happened . One minute she was talking to her scared little brother , who had been too afraid to go into the woods , and the next minute she was sitting , wounded , in a clearing in this very same forest , staring up at the starry sky with blurry eyes . She sat up straight , but sat up too fast and gave herself quite a significant headache . She held her head with one hand and tried to stand . " What happened to me ? " she said out loud as she weakly scanned her surroundings . She finally stood on her own two feet and walked over to one of the trees . She glanced around and determined that it was passed dinner , and night had fallen . " You have been here for a while , Kira Matsume , " a voice behind her responded . She slowly turned to find a figure dressed in a black robe . The person wasn 't wearing shoes and there was blood visibly dripping from his mouth . Kira quickly felt her neck for blood and bite marks , but found nothing , which made her sigh in relief . Looking back at the person , she noticed that he had taken off his hood . For a second , she didn 't know him , but the sly smile planted on his face allowed her to recognize him in an instant . It shocked her so much that she was rendered immobile . The man walked over to her and smiled . Oh yes , she knew that smile anywhere . It was her old principal . " But . . . " she thought to herself , " Why is there blood on his mouth ? Is he a cannibal or something ? " " Hello , Kira . Did you miss me ? " he cooed slyly , then he laughed . When he realized that she wasn 't saying anything , he continued , " You can 't hide from me , Kira . I know where you go , where you live , what you do , everything about you . I even know what really happened to your poor defenseless mother , who is not as defenseless as I thought . " This made Kira come back to life . " Yes , your mother wasn 't in any car accident . She was murdered , by no other than her own husband , Gosai . " Kira 's eye twitched angrily . " You got it , " he said , " Pretty low of him , don 't you think ? And it wasn 't a quick death either , oh no . " Kira just stared at him , unable to do anything . Her body had gone into complete lock down . " Me ? Why , I 'm . . . " At that moment , he began to change shape , laughing maniacally all the while . Kira stared at him as he changed , not knowing what to do , since she couldn 't move . Finally the man finished transforming and in front of her stood an inhuman creature that reached a good eight feet in height and smelled like what he ate . He grinned down at Kira , his razor - sharp teeth stained with blood while parts of what he had recently eaten showed in the gaps . " I 'm Hanabe Yamato . I 'm the demon king from hell , " he boomed in a deep tone . Kira had always had a feeling that something was strange about him , but she had never imagined that he could be a demon in disguise . To prove his point , and to disgust her farther , he reached up and plucked a bird out of the sky , popping it in his mouth with a loud crunch , which made Kira nearly vomit . He was quite the messy eater , and now Kira was faced with a demon that ate living things , and no way to defend herself . Feeling helpless and alone , she did the only thing she could do : she screamed . " What the hell is that thing ? ! " Yuki cried as he saw the demon rise above the trees . He heard a scream from somewhere near by and knew in an instant from whom it had come . Spoiler Alert ! Click to show or hide " Kira ! Kira , can you hear me ? ! " She heard the voice coming from the woods , and though she didn 't know who it was , Kira hoped that it was her savior . The demon looked around in order to locate the source of the voice , and when he did , he merely laughed mockingly . " Huh ? " Kira was confused by the comment , but then she heard something rustling in the bushes beside her and got her answer . " Yuki ! " she exclaimed as her white haired friend tumbled out in front of her . Yuki turned to her , panting heavily and smiling . " Leave him out of this ! " she yelled as she stepped in front of and tried to defend him . The demon merely scoffed at her and smacked her away like a bug . She flew through the air and hit a tree , hard . Yuki ran after her . " No ! " he cried . Kira tried to search for him , but she couldn 't see very well . The skin above Kira 's left eye had been scratched by a branch , and now her eye was filled with blood , so she couldn 't see through it , but she managed to see Yuki just fine . " He calls himself Hanabe , Hell 's very own demon king . He was just a principal at my school , and I 've had suspicions about him , but now I know the truth . " She suddenly went into a coughing fit , coughed up some blood with it . " Kira , we need to get out of here , fast ! You need to get fixed up badly . " She only looked up at him , seeing the hurt in his expression , and she tried to smile , but it hurt too much . " I know , but I don 't know how . . . or where to go . . . " She suddenly stopped and was no longer looking at Yuki . He gave her a puzzled look , and then followed her gaze . Yuki looked in the direction she was looking and saw something strange ; a little light flashed in front of the big demon , making him step backward . More and more the little light danced around Hanabe , making him stumble and back away . When it was a good ways away from the two , the light suddenly disappeared . . " Yes , you did , Kira , " came a voice beside them . They looked up , and saw the little light . They looked closer to see it wasn 't a little light at all . It was a fairy , or it looked like one at least . They didn 't move for a minute , and Kira decided to break the ice . " You don 't know me ? Kira , I thought you knew ! You were the one who summoned me , after all , " she said , giggling again . Kira 's perplexed expression did not fade , and neither did Yuki 's , until he turned his attention back to Hanabe , who was coming again . " Oh geez . . . Okay , My name is Tenkuu . I am a sprite of the air . Does that clear it up ? " she said . Kira wanted to shake her head , but thought it not a good idea , so she nodded . Tenkuu smiled . Yuki kept his eye on Hanabe . " You got it , Kira . " she said . Kira smiled and stood up . It was her turn now , her turn to fight back . She turned to her friend . " One that I think will help is Chi . He 's the earth sprite and I think he 'll be able to help us hold him off for a while . " Tenkuu smiled . " Just call out his name and he 'll come right away . " Kira grinned . " Alright , then , " Kira said . She stood up tall and shouted " Chi ! " Instantly another light , this time green , came flying past her head and hovered right in front of her as another little sprite hovered in front of her . He looked at Tenkuu . " Alright , " Kira said , " Now , let 's get down to business . I have one quick question . What do I say ? " The sprites nodded , getting ready to attack . Kira was ready . " Repeat after us : Tenkuu Chi Raishuu ! " they said . Kira called out the phrase exactly as she was told and the little sprites shot like bullets from where they were floating . Yuki saw this and was amazed . Kira smiled . " I never thought I could do that , " she thought to herself . Tenkuu and Chi were slashing and bashing Hanabe about every which way , but even they couldn 't put up a good enough fight for him . He batted them away like flies . Tenkuu suddenly turned to Chi . " You need to summon someone more powerful than we are . Call out this name . Kasai , " he said and flew back to fight with Tenkuu . Kira thought about it , then decided It would be better . So she called out " Kasai ! " and a bright red flash of flame flew out in front of her . Like Chi , he was a boy . " Well , Kira , since I 'm here now , with what do you need help ? " Kira pointed up to Hanabe . Kasai just scoffed and turned back to her with a smirk across his lips . " Sure , no problem . You know how to use the chants ? " " Well , you know how to get us to attack , right ? " Kira nodded , so he nodded and continued , " Good . Now . . . " He turned to Hanabe with the smirk still evident on his face , and readied a fireball , " Let 's get this party started ! " Kira nodded again . " Okay , here I go , " she started , taking in a deep breath , " Kasai Raishuu ! " Kasai took off like a bullet , a little stream of fire following after him , which made Kira smile . She stood there watching them fight ; air , earth , and fire were all working together as one to bring down their enemy . Just then , one of them stopped and returned to her . " You and your friend need to get out of here ! We 'll keep this guy busy . " With that , she turned back and shot up to Hanabe 's face , slashing it with a blade of wind . Kira nodded though Tenkuu wasn 't there anymore , grabbed the stunned Yuki by the arm , and dragged him away from the fight , watching as the sprites fought valiantly to protect them . Spoiler Alert ! Click to show or hideKira pulled Yuki into the bushes as Tenkuu , Chi , and Kasai so bravely and effortlessly fought off Hanabe . Yuki had become stunned due to the sprites ' sudden appearance , but then he felt Kira pulling on him . He snapped back into the reality and started to run alongside Kira . They only stopped once to catch their breath , and it was then that Yuki took it upon him self to talk to Kira . " Tenkuu said that they called themselves sprites , and each one represents a different element . They saved our butts , so I don 't really care . " Yuki nodded . They finally caught their breath and decided to walk for a while . Looking at their surroundings , Kira figured they were lost and sighed , but it was Yuki who spoke first . " Unfortunately , yes , " she said , " He used to be just a grammar school principal , but now I know who he really is , a demon who feeds off living things . " Yuki looked at her . He put a hand on her shoulder , which made her turn to him and and blush slightly , but smile just the same . " What is it , Yuki ? " she asked . She didn 't know what he was talking about , but now he had peaked her interests . Yuki looked at her , and they both stopped walking . He put his other hand on her other shoulder and held her at arms length . " Kira , " he started , " When I first met you , I thought you were , well , kinda cute . " At this , Kira blushed , but he continued , " And I thought it was sweet of you to help my little brother and all . I thought that you were a normal girl , with a normal family and a normal life . I never knew that you were capable of this , so , when I saw it happen , I was in total shock , but now , I 'm not as scared . . . " He looked her in the eye , and Kira stared right back , nervous as to what he was going to do . Though she needed not fret , for Yuki simply pulled Kira toward him and hugged her close . Kira was taken aback by this and blushed profusely , looking up at him . " Yeah , you 're right , " she said . No sooner had she spoken did she fall asleep in his arms . Yuki smiled and picked her up , carrying her until he couldn 't move any farther himself . Kyo and Kaji were sitting outside the woods in the very same spot from where Yuki had taken off . They were both getting worried about their siblings and were anxiously awaiting their triumphant return . Kyo paced nervously while Kaji stared off into the woods " Are you mad ? ! We can 't go in there ! We 'll get killed ! " Kaji looked away sadly , feeling angry that he could do nothing to help his brother . Kira woke up to find herself still in the woods , in the hollow of a tree in fact . She tried to stand , only to feel a pain in her side and remain seated . Supposing that she should rest , Kira looked around to get a feel of her surroundings : it was a cozy little hollow , just big enough for her and one other person . Then it suddenly hit her : where was Yuki ? She called his name , but there was no answer . Crawling over to the opening , she looked out and saw that the sun had indeed risen . Her stomach rumbled loudly and she sat in the opening , frowning about her hunger . Just then , a rustling came from the bushes underneath her . Quickly she ducked back into the hole , looking at the bush as it rustled . She was ready to duck back into the tree further , when she saw a familiar and friendly face pop out of the bush , carrying what looked like a full course breakfast with him . Kira smiled and climbed out of the tree , being careful not to harm herself any further . Yuki saw her and a smile burst onto his face . " I found a few eggs in the woods , along with some berries and other fruits . Want some ? " Kira looked at the food , reached down , and took some , plopping it into her mouth . At first it had a bitter taste , but it got sweeter the more she chewed . She turned to Yuki once she had finished and nodded in approval . " This is really good . Thanks , " she said , to which Yuki smiled . She then stood up and slowly walked back to the tree , while Yuki picked up the food and followed her . They walked to the tree and Kira climbed back inside . She looked at Yuki over her shoulder and walked back into the hole in the tree . Once inside , Kira sat where she had slept and Yuki put the food down on the floor , then sat next to her . He smiled at her then turned away , which made Kira curious as she glanced at him . " I . . . I was . . . Kyo and Austin ( Kaji ) made me . They were worried and I was the oldest and strongest so they decided that I should go , " he explained . Kira chuckled to herself and smiled , turning back to him . " That 's not the real reason is it ? " she asked . Yuki looked at her shocked and a little embarrassed , but her smile told him that everything was alright . He sighed , knowing that she was right . " Would I lie to you , Kira ? " Kira chuckled again . She was just so cute , he couldn 't help himself . He suddenly grabbed her arms and looked at her longingly , then pulled her into the biggest , most awkward hug he had ever given . Kira couldn 't help but blush really red . Yuki held her there for a few more seconds then held her close to his chest , not as awkward , but more romantic . Kira could hear his heart beating fast and reached down to feel her own . It was beating fast , too . She then looked up at him . " Yuki . . . W - what . . . " Yuki merely stared at her . He had a calming effect on her , because when she looked into his eyes , she instantly felt like time stood still , that everything was going to be alright . He lowered his head and rested it on her shoulder . Kira smiled , closing her eyes and relaxing . Yuki lifted his head a little , saw this , and smiled , then lifted his head off her shoulder completely . Kira looked at him as he did , wondering what he was doing . Yuki smiled back happily , lowering his head down to her lips . He spoke with softness in his voice . " Kira , this is the real reason I came to get you , " he said . Kira 's eye widened as he lowered his head and pressed his lips to hers . Kira was so stunned by this ; she couldn 't believe what was happening . After a few seconds of freaking out in her own mind , she relaxed , closed her eyes , and wrapped her arms around Yuki 's neck . They held together like that for a while , then let go . Then , Kira and Yuki both blushed beet red and turned away from each other " Cool , " he said . Kira turned and walked toward the door with Yuki following behind her . She suddenly turned before completely leaving and looked at him , which made him stop short . " What is it , Kira ? " Yuki asked . She shook her head and said nothing , then turned to keep walking , but then Yuki pulled her back so that she was facing him and looked her directly in the eyes . " Look , Kira , " he started shakily , " I know you want to say something . But if you don 't want to talk about it , you don 't have to . Though , you have to promise me something . " Kira looked at him , confused and a bit nervous . " All right then , I promise we 'll do this together , " she said . Yuki smiled again . Kira smiled back and left the tree , holding Yuki 's hand the entire way . PS : I will also edit my chapters some more later . ( Too tired tonight ) Report to Moderator I was born to fly , meant to live , and willed to fight for what 's right . Rookie Posted 8 / 19 / 08 principal sounds creepy indeed . . . stalkerish , almost . not enough for me to be afraid of him , just enough for me to want to drop an anvil on his head . Report to Moderator All , Join Open Group Remnants of Acheron . Rookie Posted 8 / 20 / 08 , edited 8 / 22 / 08 Haha , well , He is kinda a stalker , but there 's more to come . I will be sure to post another chapter soon . Glad to see someone liked it . Report to Moderator I was born to fly , meant to live , and willed to fight for what 's right . Moderator Posted 8 / 23 / 08 Haha thanks . glad you liked it . Report to Moderator I was born to fly , meant to live , and willed to fight for what 's right . Moderator Posted 8 / 25 / 08 This seems like it could b a great series . I like it so far . Just a little question : Y didn 't Kira knew her father 's name and y didn 't she answered the phone by saying " Muchi Muchi ! " ? Thats just it , it kind of threw me off a little , nothing else , over all I like the story a lot ! Report to Moderator Brand new year , let the adventure begin ! Rookie Posted 8 / 26 / 08 Okie dokie , thanks for the feedback . Kira didn 't know cuz he never told her . Report to Moderator I was born to fly , meant to live , and willed to fight for what 's right . Moderator Second of all , I 'm not sure where the story is going ; at this point , I 'll be attempting to make predictions . If your description of the story is to be believed , Kira will no longer be a " normal , average girl " shortly after arriving home . At this point , it would be useless to guess precisely how she will become abnormal . The only thing I can say with any degree of certainty is that it probably is linked to her school in the US . What did the principal mean when he said that the school was Kira 's school ? Did he mean that she was a student , or did she mean that she owned it in some way ? Speaking of the principal , whatever is wrong with him , it seems implied that Kira 's dad knows about it too . Probably due to the principal , I view all circumstances and characters with extreme suspicion . I am operating under the assumption that the elemental brothers ( Kaji and Yuki ) are part of some sort of conspiracy , especially Yuki . Report to Moderator GETITOFFMEEEE ! ! ! Rookie Posted 8 / 27 / 08 Thanks for the feedback . Kaji and Yuki are just names I came up with . I didn 't really intend them to be conspirators . And the principal meant that she was a student , and she had duties as a student . The principal is a weird character . He actually follows Kira to Japan , but she doesn 't know . Turns out he 's a demon and he is trying to kill her . And another quick hint to help all the readers , Kira 's mother is dead . She died in a " tragic car accident " or so they thought . I will definately right more later , but for now , here 's some things to clear it up . Report to Moderator I was born to fly , meant to live , and willed to fight for what 's right . Rookie Posted 6 / 11 / 12 So sorry for late replies to this . I kinda lost interest in the story and have made many more since then , but I just started to read my work and I think I will pick up and actually write chapter 7 . As for the pictures of the characters , I will do that , I was just going to draw them , but I guess that didn 't work out for me either . I have the sprites all drawn but I can 't upload them for some reason . I 'll try to do that soon . So again , sorry for being so late to this . I 've also had a lot of personal things happen in my life outside CR , so it 's been hard to write a lot . Thank you all for the support . Report to Moderator I was born to fly , meant to live , and willed to fight for what 's right . Rookie |
hapter 10 Victoria Barkley raised her head , as she heard the front door opening , and immediately got up from the couch , where she 's been sitting for the past hour and a half . She was now ready to face whatever questions Audra and Heath could have had in store for her . During that time that she 's been sitting down here all by herself , all kinds of thoughts were going through her head , and she could no longer escape that sense of guilt . Was she doing the right thing by not telling them the truth ? This was her husband 's wish on the first place , and at the time she understood his reasons , but now her doubts on whether or not this indeed was the right thing to do were becoming unbearable . " May I ask where you went ? Was that the lady , who sold you those gem stones yesterday ? " - - - Victoria inquired , as she and Audra sat on the couch , and Heath took his place on the chair , stretching out his legs . Both her children looked exhausted , but Victoria could see that they were in a pretty good mood . " Any cousin or distant relative or someone , whose last name was also Barkley ? We asked Nick , and he said that there wasn 't any . " - - - He explained , relaxing his back . It was sure a long day after one sleepless night for him and his sister . " Are you absolutely sure ? " - - - Audra frowned , looking at her mother . Ramona seemed very honest , but if Victoria Barkley was denying this . . . Her own mother wouldn 't lie to her , would she ? " Well , dear , I 've met your father almost 37 years ago , and I 've never heard about any . . . Abigail , " - - - Victoria said , pausing shortly before pronouncing this name . Everything that this woman has done to her family was still so fresh in Victoria 's memory that it wasn 't easy to talk about her , but this pause went unnoticed . Quickly , she continued : " Neither I nor your father had any relatives with this name . Why do you ask ? " - - - She inquired calmly , but inside she was anything but . Heath looked at Audra , who seemed rather lost after this brief and clear explanation and sighed , explaining . " Mother , Heath didn 't mean haunting . He meant that I thought that someone , who is now dead , was haunting us . I even dragged him and Nick in the attic to use the planchette to talk to it , and that 's when this name appeared . I was so scared that I wanted him to come with me to see that woman about this . . . " - - - Audra quickly explained , and Heath looked at his sister with astonishment . Why was she doing that ? She didn 't drag them into the attic , and she didn 't make him to go to Ramona 's antique store . One reason for her covering up like that was , probably , that she didn 't want him to look like an idiot in front of their mother , and before he could object Audra went on . " I was so paranoid after last night that I insisted on returning the jewelry , but now we went back there and asked her about Abigail , but she didn 't know much herself . Remember , that Jarrod told us that she was a witch ? I guess that it just got into my head . " " Heath , while you were away , Nick and Jarrod moved some things in the yard to make a space for dancing . I am afraid that you will not be able to find some of your stuff . C ' mon , I will show you where it is , so that you know where to find it if you need it tomorrow morning . " - - - She took her son by the hand , and both of them , getting up , started walking towards the door . " Silas , I asked you a question . Have you ever heard about Abigail Barkley ? " - - - Audra repeated , feeling that inside she was losing her patience with him . She was sick of hearing about this woman and not knowing who she was , and if Silas was reacting this strange way , it could only mean that Mother wasn 't telling the truth . " I . . . I haven 't heard about any woman named like that , " - - - Silas said , stammering . " You know about her , don 't you ? " - - - Audra looked at his eyes , feeling that all this was finally getting to her . What was going on in this house ? " I ain 't gonna tell you nothin ' about Miss Abigail , " - - - He finally uttered , and turning away quickly walked towards the kitchen . " It 's no use - - he wouldn 't tell . . . Mother is not telling us the truth , Silas is afraid talking about her , Nick also knows about her , and if he does then Jarrod does for sure . Heath believed Mother and is no longer on my side . Silas was all shaking after I mentioned her name , and I feel like I am living in the mist ; and it 's getting thicker and thicker . . . " Suddenly , with a corner of her eye she noticed a white figure outside the widow . Slowly turning her head towards it , Audra felt that this was her again : a woman , that same woman in a long white dress with her long dark hair flying in the wind , who was dancing in the yard , dancing in the strange circles . . . Startled and unable to breath , Audra was seeing the lady raising her head and looking directly at her . As their eyes met , the vision started slowly disappearing in the air , and a second later it was gone . Fascinated , Audra kept staring outside as if she was waiting for her to re - appear and tell her the truth , but to no avail . It was gone , but its presence has brought Audra some unexplainable peace : she wasn 't scared anymore , not of Abigail and not of anyone else . hapter 11 He must get out of the attic , while there is still time left . . . Audra was in there with him just minutes ago . Did she leave already ? He must hurry : the roof is going to fall down in several moments and block the exit , and house walls will start shaking in a minute or two . He needs to tell everyone to leave . Where are Mother and his brothers ? Are they sleeping ? He has to wake them up ! This isn 't going to be a serious earthquake , but the attic is sure to be destroyed . Audra is probably somewhere behind him in here . . . He can 't see her . Oh , no . . . Where 's she ? He has to find her before it is too late . . . Heath Barkley quickly opened his eyes , getting up from the bed that same instant and as fast as he could . Once his feet touched the cold floor , just when he was ready to run out of the room , looking for Audra , Heath stopped realizing that this was only a nightmare . He slowly sat down on his bed , with his hand wiping off the sweat from his forehead , and sighed , looking outside . It was still very early . . . probably , four or five o ' clock in the morning , and still dark . Why could he still feel the agony of his search ? What could this earthquake that he dreamed about mean in his real life ? If everything was back to its places then why did he feel like nothing was really resolved ? He never believed or cared about his dreams - - in fact , until yesterday morning , he never even remembered his dreams , not since he was a child . Slowly Heath stood up , bending over and putting the old shoes on , ready to be heading towards the door . . . Something was telling him to check on Audra . Was he becoming like her ? He didn 't want to take this chance , and as he walked into the corridor , he stopped . His eyes still hadn 't adjusted to the dark , and he wished that he had taken a candle with him , since he could barely see his feet in the darkness . Slowly , as his eyes were beginning to recognize objects around him , Heath started walking towards his sister 's bedroom . " Why didn 't she close her door ? " - - - Heath thought , seeing that the door was open , and as he walked inside , he stopped suddenly , seeing in the moonlight that her bed was empty . Attic . . . Heath backed towards the door , and started walking towards the end of the corridor . There was a short ladder , leading to the third floor , not really a third floor - just some storage place under the roof . Heath could feel that his sister could only be in there , and as he started going up the ladder , sure enough , he noticed a light underneath the door . Was she again playing there with her planchette ? He had to talk to her about that . As soon as Audra heard him calling her name , she jumped , obviously not expecting to be hearing his voice behind her back . She was wearing a long robe over her nightgown , and considering her reaction , she was so pre - occupied with whatever she was doing in there that she hasn 't heard her brother climbing up the stairs . " Oh my God , Heath . . . You scared me to death . What are you doing here ? " - - - She asked , exhaling , relieved that this awful frightful moment was over . Heath bit his lower lip , seeing the determination in her sharp movements . He didn 't understand her in these past few days : one minute she was afraid to step outside in the hall at night by herself , the next one she was sitting alone in the attic with one burning candle , going through some old forgotten things . He failed her . Somehow he failed her , and maybe that 's what this dream was about ? His sister wasn 't crazy , all she wanted was to get to the truth , and he was the one , who found an easy way out by accepting the words that he heard from their mother . " What is it that you are looking for ? " - - - Heath walked towards her , lowering down on the floor : maybe he could still gain her trust back ? " Why ? So that you can go on proving that I lost my mind ? " - - - She shrugged , putting some old clothes on top of the chest , which was standing near by , and at that moment Heath realized that his sister has probably , been sitting here for hours , going through these old unknown to him things , but why ? " I want to help . Please , tell me what it is ? " - - - Heath asked , hoping that once he knows what exactly she is doing , he will be able to talk her out of it , even if she wasn 't talking to him . " These are Father 's things . " - - - Audra answered in a simple way , taking last papers out of the chest , and making sure by looking inside that nothing else was left in there . " Mother and Jarrod put these things away , after he died . Nobody has really looked in them since . I went through some of his clothes , business papers , old books and others . This is the last chest , and this is also my last hope . " - - She explained , nodding at the open box . " I am trying to find something that may explain us something about this Abigail person . Heath , you can leave if you want , but I am staying here . " - - - Audra said , taking some papers in her hands . " What are those ? " - - - Heath asked , also picking up some lists . " I don 't know - - there is a whole bunch of these documents , dated back years and years ago . There are business agreements , travel papers and some letters , nothing personal . Mother keeps all personal letters with her - - these are the ones , dealing with purchases and sales , mostly the duplicates . I am sure that Father kept all the originals in the bank , and I don 't think that Jarrod actually went through these . " - - - She explained , still looking at the papers . Heath got comfortable at the floor , picked up the stack of papers and laid them out in front of him on the floor . There were a lot of them , and Heath selected few , carefully looking at them , knowing that the sooner he helps her out - - the sooner they will be able to go back to sleep . Rental agreements , bank loans , copies of checks , bank letters , some papers stuck together were almost flashing in front of his eyes , as he was trying to look for this name that had caused his sister to stay awake and look through these old documents . " Heath , are you all right ? Have you found something ? " - - - Audra asked , noticing how Heath 's face expression changed as he was staring at this document in his hands . Heath swallowed hard , still not looking at Audra . Could it be that she was right from the beginning ? He had to tell her now , what he discovered : " There must be some mistake . My birth certificate is downstairs at the library safe , along with all other documents . This is probably something that looks like it . " - - - She suggested . " Audra , stop it . You are your parents ' daughter . Now , there are some letters in here . Let 's put the end to this mystery . Look through his half and I will take care of this one , before we can guess any more about why Mother didn 't tell us the truth . C ' mon . . . " - - - Heath ordered , dividing the stack and pushing the papers towards his sister . Minutes were passing one after another , while brother and sister kept turning the pages written in Tom Barkley 's illegible handwriting . Just like the others , they were primary his business letters , and duplicates of some financial records . Finally , done with her stack , Audra picked it up and was ready to put it back into the chest , when something drew her attention : " Heath , take a look the bottom ! " - - - She called him , looking inside the box with an interest . " What bottom ? " Three adorable young children were looking at them from this painting . Two innocent blond boys were wearing identical outfits , and looked like siblings . Younger boy was leaning on the chair , appearing extremely bored , while his older brother was sitting on this same chair , appearing rather serious . The person , who was making this picture look lighter , was a toddler , a dark haired girl , sitting on the laps on her older brother . All three of them looked so much alike , for the exception of the hair color , and their clear blue eyes were truly striking , especially , of a little one , whose dark curls were bringing up her eyes in a special way . " Heath . . . Heath . . . " - - - Audra was calling her brother 's name , trying to overcome the irritating dust in her throat , nose and eyes . Pieces of hard plaster were falling from the ceiling , and when she finally felt Heath 's arm , she crawled close enough to him to see that her brother was lying unconscious : " Heath , wake up ! " - - - She tried to revive him up , wiping off the white dust from his face and hair , praying that he wasn 't hurt , and when Audra was finally ready to pull him up , suddenly , everything around her went black , as the heavy dust from the falling plasters had covered her face and her body . . . hapter 12 Victoria Barkley ran out of her bedroom , putting on the robe over her nightgown in a hurry , only to bump into Jarrod , heading towards her room in a full speed : " Mother , it 's an earthquake . Nick is downstairs already . C ' mon . . . " - - - He took her by her hand , leading her towards the stairs , but Victoria resisted , interrupting her son : " Is everybody out of the house ? " - - - She quickly inquired , and after seeing him nodding in a positive way , Victoria let him lead her towards the staircase ; and as they were going down the stairs , Jarrod quickly explained : " Nick checked on the rest . Heath , probably , woke Audra up , because they are not in their rooms , and they couldn 't have gone anywhere else at four in the morning . C ' mon , we have to get out of here . . . " - - - He urged her , as both of them reached the first floor , and then Jarrod made an attempt to cover his mother from the plaster falling down from the ceiling . " Oh My God . . . " - - - Victoria whispered , raising her head and looking back at doorsteps , where they were standing just seconds ago . She was still hearing things breaking and falling down inside the house , and the glass in the windows on the first floor has already been broken . All this was so unbelievable to witness , that her only solace now was that all her children were out of the house safe . " Where are Heath and Audra at ? I don 't see them . . . " - - - Victoria looked around , noticing men running towards the stables and leading the horses out , as the panic was quickly spreading around the place . Several wooden houses , where their ranch hands lived , were leveled with the ground , and those lucky ones , who managed to get out of them just in time , were now helping not so fortunate ones , still strapped inside . For the exception of this chaos - stables , most of the houses for hired workers seemed on their places . Still , Victoria Barkley couldn 't see her other two children . " I don 't see them . . . Are you sure that they were not inside ? " - - - Her voice was now reaching the high notes . She might not have recognized Heath among the other hires , all looking so alike form the distance without their shirts and with their dirty faces , busy emptying up the stables , but she would have distinguished Audra for sure . " Mother , calm down : I checked their rooms - - they were definitely not there . Hey , bring that trough over there . . . " - - - Nick suddenly , yelled , forgetting all about his mother 's question , and heading towards the man , who was holding an empty trough in his hands . " Yeah . . . " - - - He quickly turned to his mother , making a gesture for the man to go towards the horses , now gathered right outside in the yard . " Find Heath and Audra , I need to see that they are safe , " - - - Victoria ordered , feeling chills going through her body , even though , Jarrod was embracing her tightly . She looked back at the house , recognizing the sounds of breaking glass and falling objects in the hall . " Hey , you three , don 't just stand there . Damn it . . . Mother , I will find them . " - - - These were Nick 's last words to her , as he ran towards the stables , screaming something towards those men , and ordering them to start moving . " Something just isn 't right , " - - - Victoria Barkley said Jarrod 's thoughts out loud , biting her lower lip and looking at the house . Ground no longer seemed to be going away under their feet , but the noise from the inside of the Barkley mansion was still very difficult to listen to . With her mother 's intuition , she could feel that something was wrong . " Of course , something isn 't right - - it 's an earthquake and a big one , but all of us are out of the house safe , and shaking has stopped . It will probably take several hours for us to get back inside - - the front entrance is blocked and we 've got to be careful . Also , you heard what Nick said - - the back door is also out of our reach . . . " - - - Jarrod started explaining , trying to sooth his mother 's and his own fears , when , suddenly , both of them saw Nick running out of the stables and heading towards them , yelling : " They are not in there . Men didn 't see them coming out of the house . . . Mother , stop . . . where are you going ? " - - - Nick started explaining , and seeing his mother , suddenly , turning away and running towards , what used to be their front door , yelled . " Mother , we don 't know if they are inside . This is not safe to go in there right now , and even if we want to - we can 't , the aftershocks will most likely follow . Mother , are you listening to me ? " - - - Jarrod hoped to make her understand , but in his head he was trying to come up with some plan to get into the house . He wasn 't sure about the second floor , but the first one could be easily accessible through the windows . " He is right , " - - - Nick lowered down on the ground next to them , also looking at their mother with concern , and quickly continued : " Mother , we understand - I will call the men up , and we will figure out something . If you go in there right now , and have a ceiling falling down on you - - this will not save them . We don 't know where they are . They weren 't in their rooms - - I checked ! " - - - Nick tried to calm her down , feeling so helpless and knowing that , at least , several more minutes they will not be able to do anything about it . " They are inside ! I know it . . . I can feel it ! " - - - Victoria interrupted , trying to pull herself together . Nick was right - - she had to stay out of the house , until it was safe to go inside and look for Heath and Audra , but the thought of them lying buried under the heavy blocks , bleeding and calling for help was simply unbearable . " It 's the middle of the night . Where can they be ? Could they try leaving through the back door ? " - - - She suggested , wiping off the tears and hoping to find some answers . " That 's where Silas and I headed . The way was clear , when the blocks started falling down . If they were in there , we would have seen them . " " What if they were in the attic ? " - - - Victoria suggested , still in Jarrod 's arms , but finally overcoming her first impulse to run in the house and look for her missing children . " I sure hope that they were not in the attic . . . The first thing that I heard was the roof falling down in there , as I ran towards you . . . " - - - Nick said in a hoarse voice , immediately regretting these words , after seeing how dark his mother 's face had become . His sister is unconscious and is lying right under the large block of plaster that is hanging from the ceiling , ready to fall down very soon . It is suddenly so light around him , and he can see everything around the room , all the rocks and dust , mixed with the items taken out from the chests . It is dark again . . . Aftershocks will hit real soon , and then this piece of plaster , hanging over Audra , will fall on her . There will be no chance for her to survive , if she doesn 't move to the side in a few seconds . He has to help her to get of there , but he cannot move . Pain in his right leg is excruciating , and he cannot breathe in this dust nor can he see in this darkness . This ghastly blackness is surrounding him now , but if he doesn 't help Audra to get away from that place , this heavy piece of plaster will kill her - - there is no chance that she will live if he doesn 't find her in time . . . He 's got only few minutes to save her , but he cannot move . . . Slowly , Heath turned his head , regaining consciousness and coughing loudly to get all the dust out of his mouth and throat . What was that ? Was it a vision again ? He was trying to open his eyes , but couldn 't - the dust was still flying in the air around him , and he felt the pieces of plaster falling down . What happened ? How did he end up here , partially covered by a chest and thick layer of dust ? The last thing he remembered was running to the door with his sister ; then something , probably , the blocks of plaster started falling down and the blackness afterwards was all that he could remember . . . then this dream . . . Was there still roof left over their heads ? He couldn 't see , but considering that the air was still thick with dust made him doubtful . What was it that he saw right now , when he was lying unconscious ? He saw Audra , somewhere in the middle of the room , all covered with dust and rocks , and the block of plaster , hanging right over her head , which was about to fall down . Where was his sister ? He swallowed hard , trying to move his fingers , and , suddenly , feeling the streams of blood running down his face . In his heart he felt that Audra 's life was in danger - - he just saw her lying under this block , and he had to move her away from it , but where was she ? She couldn 't have made it outside , because he remembered the falling stuff blocking their way out . This was his fault - - had he reacted fast enough , they would have never been trapped inside , and had he recognized that his dream was a premonition before he came inside , this would have never happened . If this was a premonition then he couldn 't take any chances this time - - he had to find Audra . . . What about the rest of the family ? Were they all right ? Heath tried moving his legs under the blocks of the ceiling and turned over chest , but a sudden sharp pain in his joints made him silently moan . His right leg was broken , but the left one seemed all right . Whatever had fallen on him had probably fractured his ribs - - he couldn 't move and it hurt to inhale " Audra . . . " - - - Heath whispered , feeling that his mouth , still full of dust and dirt was barely moving - he couldn 't even hear himself . He turned on the side , pushing away the chest with his left , functioning leg , and feeling the pain piercing his body . Unable to scream , Heath squeezed his fists , trying to free himself under the chest , and hoping to overcome this pain . He had to find Audra , while there was still time left . Finally , as he crawled from under the blocks of plaster , with his right hand , Heath tried to fell his sister , somewhere on the floor , but all that he was able to feel were the rocks and various items . " She is , probably , in the middle of the room . I have to get to her , " - - - Heath thought , moving the rocks away , feeling that tears , streaming down his cheeks , his reaction to this awful pain in his body , were now mixing with blood . This dream just like these other two that he had , was trying to warn him of what was about to happen , and even though , he still didn 't believe in this , he couldn 't take any chances now , when his sister 's life was at stake . As he was pushing the stones away , Heath finally felt something hard under his hands , something different - - he couldn 't open his eyes , still covered with dust , and blindly all he could do was to feel this hard object under his hands . This was the picture . . . probably , that same picture , which they discovered seconds before the earthquake hit . He remembered now that when they were running towards the door , Audra had it under her arm . Pushing it away , Heath slowly thought : As he was holding his sister by the shoulders , Heath pulled her up and to the side as hard as he could . The pain of the strain that went through his body made Heath open his eyes widely , and yet he was unable to see a thing around them , yet realizing that they were safer now , since with this forceful pull up , both brother and sister were thrown back , ending up just feet away from the rocks , under which Audra was trapped seconds ago . The moment Heath felt his head hitting the floor ; a hard blow from the ceiling started coming down , where split of a second ago he and his sister were lying . Realizing that , Heath managed a smile , feeling that Audra was now just feet away from him , unhurt by the fallen rocks . He had recognized this sign just in time . . . hapter 13 Audra slowly moved her head to the right , feeling how small pieces of plaster , stuck in her hair , started falling down her face . Her body was aching , and for a moment all she could feel , was this dull and lasting numbness . Gradually , she tried moving her fingers , but this slight attempt caused such a pain in her hand that Audra tightened her teeth , feeling that her eyes were now watering with tears . A nasty taste of plaster and dirt was down in her throat , her mouth and all over her face , and as she tried to swallow , she realized that she couldn 't . What was this sound that brought her back to reality ? Did she pass out for a moment ? Her eyes were itching badly , and as she tired opening them , the sharp pain in her left arm made her realize that it was also , probably , very badly fractured . She couldn 't open her eyes , but even so , she could still see that there was a light somewhere in this room . Where was Heath ? Was he all right ? Audra remembered him lying on the floor , unconscious , as she was trying to revive him , when something had fallen on her head and her back , and after that all she could remember was this long lasting darkness . " Heath . . . " - - - She turned her head , making an attempt to call him , but all that came out was a very hoarse whisper , which made her cough . Her throat was full of this awfully smelling dust , and it was a miracle that she was still able to breath . Slowly , Audra started spitting out the dirt , overcoming the cough that was shaking her body , as she was wondering , where all this noise was coming from . Men 's voices from the outside were reaching her ears , and she could now clearly distinguish Nick 's voice , so loud and demanding - - she would have never mistaken it with anybody else 's , yet she couldn 't make out his words . Audra moved her head , feeling the dull pain in her neck , something that she could still bear with , unlike the pain in her arms , which were probably broken , the left one was for sure . She had to scream for help now , if she wanted her family to know that they were in here , buried under the blocks of plaster and suffocating from all the dust . " Hheeelp . . . " - - - Audra tried to yell , but a very quiet moan came out . They will never hear her from up here . She opened her mouth , hoping to get enough air , and giving it one more shot : " Hhhe . . . " - - - This time she couldn 't even finish her word as that awful cough started shaking her body . Unable to speak or see , Audra felt the sudden cold going through her joints . She and her brother were going to die in here , if Heath wasn 't dead already . All she had to do was to let her family and people down there know that they were still alive , that she was still alive . . . but how ? If Heath is dead then this will be her fault , because he came in here to talk her into going back to bed , and she . . . she was so cross with him . Silently sobbing , and unable to move , Audra could still feel this light around her , somewhere very close by . This wasn 't possible - - there was no fresh air in this stuffed room , buried under the fallen roof . This couldn 't be moonlight , and yet even with her eyes closed she could see that this lightness was surrounding her . Every movement or even a thought about it is causing a pain , but if she wants to get out of here - - she has to act . . . Slowly , Audra made an attempt to bring her left hand , resting on her stomach , up and closer to her face , and fighting the pain in the upper arm , she could how feel it touching her face . Her wrist wasn 't broken , which meant that she could still try rubbing her closed eyes , and then start wiping off the layers of dust from her face . She has to see where this light was coming from . . . " I should be able to see something . . . " - - - Audra thought , turning her head to her left and trying to open her eyes . Everything around her seemed so blur , as if she was looking at this under the water , and even though , her aching eyes were not yet fully opened , blinking had helped her to see some things clearly : fallen rocks , large pieces of plaster , papers and papers everywhere , and even think dust , still flying in the air - - all this in a light , source of which was somewhere on the other side , behind her back . Slowly , Audra tried to look down and what she saw , for a minute filled her with hope : Heath was lying just feet away , probably , unconscious , with his head turned to her . From where she was , Audra couldn 't see whether or not her brother was breathing , but simply the idea that he was still in one peace in this wonderful warm light of the cold dark morning had filled her with hope . Light . . . It was coming from somewhere behind her , but from what kind of source ? It couldn 't be a candle burning , but then what was it ? Biting her lips and closing her eyes tightly , in order to deal with a pain , which was about to come , Audra sharply turned to her right side , unable to suppress the sobs , because of the excruciating pain in her arm . It took her several seconds to hear her own short breath , and as she opened her eyes again - - the minute the picture in front of her became clear , what she saw made Audra feel chills going through her body . With her teary , irritated from all the dust eyes , Audra could see this young woman - this vision that kept appearing to her during the last couple days . Just before the earthquake hit , with Heath she was looking at the picture of a little girl with dark curly hair and piercing blue eyes , Abigail , probably , her father 's sister . . . Right now this young woman , Abigail , was sitting there in font of her , smiling , and with her hands on some dark object . Her smile was warm and friendly in this light , which was surrounding her and lighting up the rest of the attic , or whatever was left of it . " Helppp . . . " - - - Audra gasped , staring at her and not being able to move . With her left hand still on her chest , Audra could suddenly feel something hard underneath her gown . This was her necklace . . . Instinctively , she grabbed it with her fingers , not afraid but praying that this woman , her aunt , will help them . For a moment , she couldn 't even feel the pain as the eyes of this young woman , dressed in white and sitting just feet away , were looking at her with such concern . She had to try calling for help just one more time . . . " Heeelp . . . " - - - Audra whispered so hoarsely that she could not even make this word out herself , and as she closed her eyes , Audra Barkley could feel the warm streams of tears running down her cheeks . Suddenly , there was with unexplainable warmth all over her face and hair , and just now Audra realized that up until this moment , she was freezing in here , but not now . . . As she opened her eyes , she could see the woman in white , right in front of her , stroking her face and her hair , and then slowly putting her hand over hers , which was still clutching the necklace . Seeing her leaving like this , Audra tried controlling her tears : if she leaves now , then she and Heath , if he was still alive , will die for sure ; if she leaves now then there will be absolutely nobody in here to help them out ; if she leaves now then they will freeze or suffocate to death . . . Audra was almost ready to open her mouth and try pleading with this vision , when what she saw at the Abigail 's feet made her realize , why this woman was in here with them . An old rifle was lying on the floor , just feet away , and as the attic was now becoming darker and darker , Audra kept staring at it , afraid to blink , and trying to remember its exact location . This was what Abigail was trying to tell her all along , when she was touching this object with her hands , right prior her approaching Audra . If she now manages to crawl close enough and pull the trigger , her family will hear it ! If only she manages to fire it , then she and Heath will be saved . . . The light , brought in with Abigail 's presence was now almost gone , and she was no longer there , but right now Audra was determined to get to this rifle . She has to start crawling closer to it , even if her every movement could bring back this awful pain . For the first time , since she regained consciousness , Audra tried moving her legs , realizing that she could still feel them , which was a good sign . They were aching , but she could control their movements even though this pain . The light was now completely gone , just like Abigail , and deciding not to waste another minute in this darkness , Audra tried moving her legs , tightening her lips to overcome the aching in the right side of her body . The only chance , a chance for life that Heath and she had , was now in her hands , and she had to get to this rifle as soon as possible . It was just feet away , but they felt like miles . . . Nearly an hour passed since the earthquake , and during this time only one large aftershock followed . Neither Jarrod nor Nick could stay away from the house , knowing that their brother and sister could be buried somewhere on the second floor . With their hired men 's help , the Barkley brothers were working , clearing out the stairway , partially buried under the fallen debris . The hall was very pitiful to look at : dust , blocks of plaster , broken glass were scattered everywhere , even the piano , on which Audra used to play every evening was now covered with the thick layer of dust and rocks . The entrance to the kitchen was completely blocked . It was easy to get inside the house through the windows , and once they were in , both Jarrod and Nick realized that to get to the second floor would be a challenge : the staircase was nearly impassable . Few men were working on the clearing out the entrance way at the house front , and Victoria joined her sons in the hall , helping them and other men to clear the way to the second floor , but eventually , she gave up , unable to stop her hands from shaking . . . " I don 't want to give you any false hope . I survived two mine collapses , which were just as bad as this quake . I just looked outside - attic is destroyed , so if someone was in there , the roof had , probably , killed . . . " It was chilly this early morning , and it wasn 't even dawn yet . Victoria Barkley was slowly walking towards her garden , the only place that ironically , remained the same , untouched by the horror of the passing night . Some white dust was covering her flowers , but other than that it stayed unharmed . Slowly , she lowered down on the bench , aimlessly looking in front of her at the bushes of roses . She loved sitting here , when something was on her mind , but right now she would have rather seen it destroyed , abandoned , wiped out , if only this could bring her Heath and her Audra back . . . What did she tell them the last time she saw them ? She showed Heath , where Nick had moved some of his things to make more space for dancing for the party , which Audra has been planning during the last month . Heath was so silent , when they walked into the yard , and she knew that he was very tired from the long day , looking forward to be finally going to bed . He kissed her good night , and walked upstairs , yawning and stretching out his arms . She went back into the living room , looking for Audra to tell her goodnight , but her daughter wasn 't there already . An hour later on her way to bed , Victoria looked inside Audra 's room , making sure that she was asleep , and after kissing her daughter on the cheek , headed towards her own bedroom to get some rest . Why didn 't she feel any danger , which was about to threaten her children 's lives ? Why didn 't she wake up earlier to get to them , wherever they were in time ? Would she ever know what happened ? Sitting on the bench and staring at the space in front of her , Victoria Barkley was realizing what was so difficult for her to comprehend . Why did she lie to them at the end ? This was the end , if they were in the house . She has been through many earthquakes in her life , and she had seen the casualties of this type of disasters . If Audra and Heath were indeed in the attic , then there was a little hope left that they were still alive . . . That man was right , because she had also seen that part of the house - - it was near squashed and completely destroyed . . . Would it have made any difference had she told them about Abigail ? Why did she lie to them ? As soon as this thought crossed her mind , Victoria looked down on the ground , feeling such an unspeakable pain in her heart that for a moment she didn 't think she could breath . A female voice behind her back , suddenly , made her froze . This couldn 't be happening to her - - all of this couldn 't be happening to her this very night , which had changed her life in one instant just like the night she still couldn 't forget . Out of all voices of all people she has ever met , she still remembered this one , and slowly Victoria Barkley looked up , even though , she didn 't have to . . . hapter 14 Several seconds passed in silence , as Victoria Barkley , still startled , kept staring at this woman 's face , so very familiar to her . She didn 't believe her eyes or her ears for that matter - - how was it possible that after so many years they were destined for this encounter again in this difficult time ? It 's been so long since their last meeting , that still speechless , Victoria kept looking at her , waiting for some explanations . " Yes , it is I . . . a little older , perhaps , since the last time I saw you . You look very different , my dear - - slimmer now , but your hair is white . Whatever happened to those long fair curls of yours ? You are staring at me as if I am a ghost or something . Have I changed so much that my dear friend isn 't recognizing me anymore ? " - - - The woman smirked , lowering down on the bench next to Victoria , but not taking her eyes off her . Victoria Barkley frowned , hearing this name , and feeling that the sound of it was very familiar - where had she possibly heard it before ? She couldn 't remember . In any case , she didn 't wish to see or talk to this woman , and especially , now . The woman paused for a moment , and a smile touched her thin lips : " You were a bit feistier the last time I saw you - - you almost killed me then . Yes , my dear - your children : the blond cowboy and his sister . I have seen them couple times over the past few days , and Jarrod - - some time ago . . . " " I want you out of here this very minute , " - - - Victoria interrupted her coldly , tightening her fists . She didn 't want to sit here with her , when she finds out . . . There was no chance that Heath and Audra could have survived this earthquake , if they were on the second floor of the house , and she had to start accepting this now . She needed some time alone . " Oh , yes - - your children . . . The girl has grown up to be a real beauty - - I would not have recognized her in one hundred years . Remember , how Abigail was fond of her ? " " Did you have another child ? I saw that hansom blond son of yours . I thought that Nick was your youngest . . . " - - - She asked , only to be cut off by Victoria rudely . Victoria Barkley turned and started walking away , realizing that she didn 't have any strength left inside to fight now . Where did she hear this name ? Ramona . . . Ramona . . . It sounded so familiar , and yet she couldn 't put her finger on it . Several steps away , Victoria suddenly , stopped , remembering . . . Of course , Jarrod was the one , who mentioned it that night at the dinner table . . . Was it her , who sold Audra and Heath those gem stones ? " It took some time for you to figure it out , Victoria . I have come back to the valley to find her , but she had found me instead . Several minutes ago , I saw two men at the front door of the house . Were they Jarrod and Nick ? I 've met Jarrod couple years back , when they were trying me for the witchcraft - - those idiots . . . He didn 't know me that well - - he grew up too fast , and when I came back to the valley he was already in college . You 've got yourself a very charming son and an intelligent one too . " - - - Ramona said , seeing how slowly Victoria lowered down on the bench next to her . " Your Nick was the one I have always been very fond of . He would drive Abigail crazy , and she would rather sit with a baby . Nevertheless , he and I would always find a common language - - he is a fighter , just like I am . " - - - Ramona smiled , pausing , and quickly continued : " This is none of your business . I am asking you again : why did you come here ? What do you want ? " - - - Victoria insisted , not letting her finish her sentence . " It that so ? You haven 't even told her about your poor sister - in - law , have you ? Abigail visited and asked me to give your daughter something to keep her away from danger , and I 've done just that . Abigail still cares . . . " - - - Ramona stopped , seeing how much pain there was in Victoria 's eyes , and asked : " Is that what it was ? Is that why my children have become the target ? I trusted her with the lives of people , most precious to me , and she betrayed that trust . A devil worshiper . . . " " He was a ten - year - old with a vivid imagination . . . Victoria , listen to me . I was there the night those men broke into the suite . They were after Abigail , and children were what they were threatening her with . She thought that Nick was dead , and hoped to save Audra by taking her with us , afraid that they would come back to finish their jobs . Instead , your husband hired people who went after us and hanged her ! " " Tom never ordered those men to hang her - - she was his sister . All we wanted was our child back whom she took and you were her accomplice . I would have gone with them if Nick wasn 't so hurt - - I didn 't think that he would survive those wounds at his age , but if it wasn 't for that I would have gone there with those men and looked for my daughter that two of you had stolen from us ! " - - - Victoria passionately fired back . " I am in no mood to argue now , Victoria . I came here to tell you that both of them will be all right . Audra and . . . and . . . " - - - She stumbled . With these words , Ramona Santiago started walking towards the gate in a slow pace , away from the house . This visit hasn 't exactly turned out the way that she planned , but at least , she delivered the message . Suddenly , she stopped and turned to Victoria : After saying that , the woman quickly disappeared behind the bushes , leaving Victoria alone in the garden . Unable to control her tears anymore , she kept sitting on the bench clutching her robe with her hands , trying to suppress the sobs that were shaking her body . Why was this happening to her again ? Where was Heath ? Where was Audra ? Why this day , which was only beginning , had already brought her so much grief . She had to pull herself together if she wanted to get through its remainder . . . " Yes , we heard - - it came from the end of the corridor , near the attic . Men have almost finished taking all the debris out . Nick is already on the roof . C ' mon . . . " With these words , Jarrod took his mother by her hand , and both of them hurried outside , to the backside of the house , where some workers had already gathered . The first thing that Victoria saw was Nick , slightly bended , slowly walking towards the destroyed part of the house , where the attic used to be . His every movement was very careful , as he was trying to maintain the balance . There were few meters still left for him to walk in order to get to the attic ruins . . . " Jarrod . . . " - - - Victoria whispered with fear in her voice , taking her son by his arm , looking at Nick , who was walking towards the crashed part of the Barkley mansion , and feeling every strain in his accurate movements . " Calm down , Mother . . . He is almost there . . . " - - - Jarrod gently squeezed his mother 's arm , as if he was trying to give her some reassurance . She was scared for Nick 's life right now , as Jarrod did his best trying to sound calm , and yet Victoria knew her son long enough to understand that he was just as nervous as she was . " I don 't think that I can stand it . . . " - - - She said , suddenly looking away , and with her eyes now closed , she began praying silently . If this was Audra or Heath who had given them this signal , then it was worth for Nick to take this risk ; still her nerves were so strained that the thought of Nick taking one wrong step aside was just too much to bear . She leaned on Jarrod , now looking down and feeling how strained his arm around her shoulders was . The next several moments seemed like an eternity to her . Victoria exhaled , looking up at where Nick was just seconds ago , and thankful that he had gotten safely to what used to be the attic window , disappearing inside . It was an hour after the dawn , and the dark cold morning now seemed warmer . Suddenly , all of them who gathered on the ground could hear among all the noises , coming from the house , where men were still working on clearing the path on the second floor , the sound of Nick 's cough , as he was now trying to find his way inside the attic . " Mother , our bedrooms are fine , but we couldn 't get into Audra 's - - it seems that the room is fine since the roof seems even from here , but the entrance is completely blocked . Maybe , it 's best that she wasn 't inside - - the plaster block was so heavy , it would have killed her instantly if she was underneath . . . " - He slowly answered , wondering what was taking Nick so long . It 's already been couple minutes since he disappeared inside . What did she mean by that ? Could that be that somehow , the spirit of this woman was indeed guiding her children through these awful hours ? Jarrod was right - maybe , it was best that Audra was not in her room . Victoria didn 't know anything anymore , as the other thoughts of Audra and Heath up there in the destroyed by this strong earthquake attic , trapped and hurt were going through her mind . Where was Nick ? What was taking him so long up there ? Something was , probably , wrong if he still didn 't let them know , whether or not he had found his brother and sister . Now both Victoria and Jarrod were staring up , waiting anxiously for the next few moments . . . " Jarrod , let 's get inside - - the men must be finished by now . C ' mon ! " - - - She quickly ordered , back in charge , as they were now running back to the front door . They were breathing . . . That 's what Nick said , and to her , these were the most wonderful words , which were giving her with so much hope . " Yes , they are . Now , please , do it quickly . Jarrod , how much longer ? " - - - Victoria finally reached the top of the stairs and ran towards her son . " Jarrod . . . " - - - Nick 's voice finally reached them from the inside , and Victoria could hardly see her son 's figure in this ghastly atmosphere . How could he possibly breath in there , if they were barely able to do it standing just feet away . . . How could Heath and Audra stay alive in there all this time ? Finally , she saw her eldest son turning to her , and immediately , she gasped : Jarrod was carrying Audra in his arms , who was barely recognizable from all this dirt on her face and clothes , and who was still unconscious ; and Nick , two steps behind his brother , also all dirty and coughing , was holding Heath , whose face was incredibly dark from the dry blood mixed with the pieces of plaster . . . hapter 16 Heath , slowly awoke from his dream , and smiled with his eyes still closed : they were gone . . . All his nightmares and wild premonitions , predicting the disasters of the coming day were now gone , and he couldn 't feel happier , because of that . He wasn 't sure why he saw them , but in his heart he felt that Abigail might have had something to do with it . Was she trying to warn him to be careful and take care of Audra ? Why has she chosen him and not his brothers for this task ? Heath wasn 't sure , but he still remembered how he pulled Audra from under the ruins just before the large piece of the ceiling fell in there , and then everything went dark . The next thing he remembered was the shot , and then Nick 's arm pulling him up and his brother saying some words that he couldn 't make out . Heath yawned , feeling that bright sunny rays on his face , and slowly turned his head to the right : it 's been two days already , since he and his sister were rescued under the ruins of the attic , and now both of them were slowly recovering . Since Audra 's room needed much cleaning and re - modeling after that fatal night , both Heath and his sister were placed in his room with two beds , standing parallel to each other , so that it was easier for their mother and brothers to take care of them . Audra 's left arm was broken , and the shoulder dislocated , but other than that she seemed fine , and in Heath 's case - his right leg was broken and one of the ribs was badly fractured . Heath felt someone 's stroking his hair , and as he opened his eyes , still red after all those dust , he saw his mother sitting at his bedside . " Abigail and I were about the same age , when I met her . She was very beautiful young girl , and when Tom and I got married , she came to live with us , but stayed for a year , just when Jarrod was born . The valley was different then , there weren 't so many people around at the time , and your father and I were just starting out . She adored Jarrod , and treated him as her own - - it was a big help to us , because we were trying to build the ranch and get on our feet . " - - - Victoria paused , remembering . " She met a young man - - he was married , but they fell in love , and nothing else mattered to them . His name was John , and he lived in the East Coast , and was just visiting California . Your grandfather , who was still alive at the time , threatened to disown Abigail , if she stayed with a married man , but she didn 't care . When Abigail made this choice , Tom 's father kept his word taking her name out of his will , and he died very soon afterwards . Abigail 's father adored her , and in a way her decision and disobedience had broken his heart . Your Uncle Jim has never forgiven her for that , and your father and I were the only ones who still kept in touch . " - - - Victoria reached for the glass of water and after taking a few sips , continued . " Abigail and John were living in different places all over the country , often not having enough money to buy essential things , so Tom always tried to help her out financially whenever she turned to him . Jarrod adored his aunt , and we would let him go and stay with them , when they were doing all right . They were spoiling him rotten - - Abigail never denied him anything , but she and John rarely visited us . I suspect that Abigail was afraid that people would judge Tom for still caring and talking to her , when everyone else turned their backs . Anyway , then Nick was born - - she wasn 't that fond of him , always preferring Jarrod to keep her company whenever they came here . Couple years later , John was killed . This was a shock to Abigail , because nobody really knew how or what happened - - one night , he was just walking home after playing a poker game with some friends , when someone had shot him . Abigail was expecting at the time , and three months later she gave a birth a girl , who was a stillborn . " " Tom and I were devastated that she had to go though this nightmare of losing her loved ones , and we wanted her to stay with us . She came here , but never really left the house , and I am sure that our neighbors didn 't even know that she was living here , not that we wanted it this way . Nick was a toddler , but Abigail wasn 't really taken by him - - Jarrod , 10 or 11 was still her favorite , and he helped her a great deal through that rough time , but he was still a child . . . Then I introduced her to a friend of mine , Maria , a woman who has been through a lot in her own life - - she lost her family and her young children , when some sick men got into her house and robbed them . She survived many wounds , and always kept her head up . I hoped that Abigail , who was in her early 30s at the time , would get to know Maria , would get out and realize that there were so many reasons for her to continue on living . This was , probably , the worst decision I have ever made . Both of you have met Maria ; she came back to this valley recently under the name of Ramona Santiago . " " Yes , but you are getting ahead . In the beginning , she was a very positive influence on Abigail . They would spend a lot of time together , talking about people they lost and how they were coping . Maria would often visit us and stay overnight . Nick absolutely adored her , and nothing seemed to predict the trouble . Maria decided to visit her relatives , who lived in New Orleans , and she invited Abigail to go there with her to take her mind off things , so they left . Couple weeks later , we got a letter from Abigail , where she said that she wanted to stay there , and we didn 't think much of it at the time , until much later , when her letters became very . . . strange . " - - - Victoria said , finding the most suitable word . " They became very spiritual . Abigail often wrote about higher powers , spirits and how they were guarding us , about different spells . . . We didn 't know at the time , not until she and Maria visited us a year later , what has happened . They looked different too - - as far as they explained to us , both of them have discovered Voodoo . They talked about worshiping their gods and communicating with the spirits . " " All I know is what I 've been told by Abigail - - blacks , and especially salves , brought their religion and rituals in here from Africa and Haiti . New Orleans was a center for Voodooists , and both Abigail and Maria were even introduced to their queen , who as far as I understand was the most well known priestess of all . Tom and I disapproved of their fascination with this . . . with this cult - - we had nothing against either one of them , but we had given both Abigail and Maria an ultimatum that if they wanted to come and visit us , they were not to fill your heads with this nonsense , and they agreed . For the next three years , Abigail visited rarely , but we received letters from her quite often . Finally , when you , Audra , were born , she came over , overjoyed that Tom and I had finally had daughter , and she was simply wonderful with you . She lost her baby , a girl , and I think that in you , she saw a daughter she didn 't have a chance to bring up . " " Your father and I decided to honor her devotion to you and that 's why your middle name was Abigail . She called herself your godmother , but because of her new beliefs she wouldn 't go to church - - she worshiped other gods . We didn 't mind her being so involved with it , as long as she wasn 't bringing it to our home . I told her that I would forbid her to see you otherwise , and Abigail agreed to it . She and Maria visited us often over the next several years , and finally , when Jarrod came back from college after the first year , Tom and I decided to go to New Orleans , and visit Abigail , because she was begging us to come over there for many years . Coincidently , this was also our 18th wedding anniversary . " " No , we had a suite in the hotel . Both Abigail and Maria were overjoyed to see us , and while Jarrod was exploring New Orleans with a college friend of his , who was from there , Tom and I had fun , going to fancy restaurants and spending time together , leaving you and Nick with them . One night , when we came back a little earlier - - there was a strange ceremony , taking place in our hotel room , which was one of those rituals . All I know that there was a snake , and both of them were dressed strangely , and Nick was crying on the background . " - - - Victoria said , turning to Nick , and he continued for her . " Maria explained to me that they worshiped the Snake god , and they had to dance with snake wrapped around them . Earlier that evening , they took us to one of their gatherings - I still remember some of their rituals . Anyway , I was scared that it would bite me - - it sure looked big enough . " - - - He said , letting his mother go on with her story . " Your father was crushed , because despite everything , she was his baby sister , the one that he took care of , but it was difficult for him to accept her behavior . Two days later , during our last day in New Orleans , Abigail showed up at our doors , begging for forgiveness and pleading with me not to take this joy of seeing you , Audra , out from her life . We hired a babysitter for that evening so that we could go out , but Abigail seemed so remorseful , and it was our last night in the city before going back , so Tom and I agreed to give her another chance . This was a mistake - - Jarrod joined us in the restaurant , and when we came back , which was around a midnight , our suite was filled with hotel personnel and doctors . Nick was injured with blood all over him . He was stabbed , and nobody hoped that he would make it . Abigail was not in the suite and you , Audra , were also not there . " " I don 't really know - - I was sleeping , after Abigail put me to bed , and then I suddenly heard the screams in the room , and when I got off my bed and ran towards the corridor , there was a sharp pain in my back , and I fell on the floor . I can 't really remember anything else - - it all was so fast . Abigail was the only one in the suite with us , and I don 't know why she did it . . . " - - - He explained , shrugging , and Victoria continued . " There were several men outside the suite , who started explaining to us how dangerous Abigail was and that she was the one who stabbed Nick , and went completely insane , taking you with her . They offered their help , and while I stayed with Nick , trying to revive him , Tom joined these people and led them to the place , where Abigail and Maria lived . I don 't know what happened then - - your father never talked about it , but when he came back next morning with you , sleeping in his arms , I was too happy that you and Nick have survived that night , too happy to think of anything else . You were unharmed , and Tom explained that he took you from her arms , and rode away immediately . We had to stay in New Orleans for the next week until Nick got well enough to travel back home . Couple days after the incident , we learned from the newspaper that Abigail was found hanging . She had probably committed suicide , at that same place , where your father and those men found you . " " I haven 't heard or seen her ever since until two days ago , when two of you were trapped in the attic ; she came here to let me know that you were going to be all right . I believe that she changed her name , and moved from New Orleans after Abigail 's death . That 's all there is to this story . Your father asked me never to tell you what happened , because no one knew , why Abigail stabbed Nick , and took you away . Tom destroyed everything that could remind him of her , and this was a difficult thing to do . I didn 't know that he left that picture or birth certificate as a reminder . We got you a new one , with no middle name . Your father loved Abigail very much , but this was his family that he felt he had to protect . I am sorry , Audra and Heath , for keeping it away from you , but that night is still so fresh in my memory that it hurts even thinking about it . . . " - - - Victoria Barkley said , trying to sound calm , as inside she was fighting her emotions . " It 's time for you to take your medicine . I have to bring it from the downstairs . " - - - Victoria said , walking towards the door , past Nick . She needed to get out of this room , for at least several seconds to get her strength back . She was doing the right thing now , but then why did she still feel as if nothing was really resolved ? " Heath , let him go . She was close to him , and maybe , this is something that he has to do , " - - - Audra suggested , with her functioning hand reaching for the necklace that was still around her neck . Somehow , the idea of Abigail trying to hurt them wasn 't settling in her head , and she hoped now that Nick could dig up some answers on why her aunt had done it . hapter 17 Nick Barkley quickly tied Coco to the tall wooden post , and started heading in a very fast pace towards the large gray tent , standing lonely several feet away . It 's been over twenty years , since the last time he saw Maria , and very often he couldn 't help but go on wondering about whatever happened to her . Mixed feelings were overwhelming him at the moment and with his mind racing , Nick didn 't know exactly what he was doing here . Nick frowned , looking at her very carefully , and suddenly remembering that she was the only one , who used to call him by his full name , and at the time , it sure meant a lot to a ten year - old boy . She was not Maria that he had in his memory - - she changed over the years , and now Nick wasn 't sure if he would have recognized her , if they were to meet in the street . The woman , standing in front of him , was older , and her face features seemed somewhat different , and her hair was not that long or that red , since the last time he saw her . However , her voice and her light eyes , sharply contrasting with her bright hair , stayed exactly the same . " Look at you . . . Who knew that this loud , unbearable , little kid would grow up to be such a gorgeous cowboy ? What happened to all those scratches on your face and elbows ? You hair stayed the same , though - - that same old mess , " - - - She squeezed his right hand , and with her left hand was trying to smooth Nick 's disobedient dark curls . " You haven 't changed much , Maria . " - - - He finally said , taking a seat and looking around : several large chests were opened , and various things and boxes were scattered around - - it looked like she was packing to go away . " You are still a lousy liar , Nicholas , but thanks - - finally , a gallant gesture from you . Tell me , have you gotten a wife ? " - - - She winked , taking her seat on the large chest right across from him . " Yes , always on the road . . . You look wonderful , Nicholas , and I felt a little sad for not having a chance to look at you before my departure from Stockton . I saw you and Jarrod not up close , busy at the house two days ago , trying to rescue your brother and sister . By the way , how are they ? " - - - Maria inquired . " I am very glad to hear that . Victoria never told me - - who is Heath ? Did she and Tom adopt a child ? He looks very much like your father . " " He is - - it 's a long story , but he is my father 's son . Father didn 't know about him , and Heath came into our family years after his death . Mother treats him as her own son . " - - - Nick explained , suddenly feeling so comfortable , by simple sitting here and talking to her like that . " All right , I suppose . What have you been doing all these years ? Why haven 't you ever visited us ? You just disappeared . . . " - - - Nick had finally a chance now to ask her everything that was bothering him all these years . " I would have listened . I know that you had nothing to do with what happened . I have never forgotten you or how wonderful you were ! " - - - He protested , knowing in his heart that she was right . " Your Aunt and I . . . we had many friends in New Orleans and just as many enemies . My relatives refused to have anything to do with me after I had accepted Voodoo , and were ashamed of me practicing it so openly . Most of our friends were slaves , for whom Voodoo 's rituals were sacred - very few whites were sharing our beliefs , and especially , as openly as Abigail and I did . This was in the mid 1850s , before the war started and the Confederate States were formed . Most of our black friends were treated badly by their owners , who considered our religion very primitive and savage . Remember , I took you to one of our ceremonies - - there were a lot of white people there , who came to see that spectacle in the Congo Square ? I am sorry that snakes have scared you , Nicholas , but they are considered divine creatures in Voodoo . Anyway , it helped Abby and me to find the spiritual piece , which turned your parents permanently against us . . . . " " Don 't apologize for them , Nicholas , because the part of who I am is to accept others no matter what their own beliefs are . Anyhow . . . Abby and I , we helped some people . . . some families to become free . " - - - Maria pronounced the last sentence very slowly , and Nick right away understood what she meant . " Yes . In the beginning our close friend was very distraught , because she was going to be separated from her daughter and granddaughter . She was an old woman , treated without any mercy , just because of her skin color , and we helped all three of them to escape . They stayed in our house , which was outside the city for several weeks , and left soon afterwards . In a very similar way , we managed to help several other unfortunates , but not as many as we would have wanted too , though , enough for some slave owners to become very concerned . " " To make the long story short : someone had spread the word about us , and Abigail and I were under suspicion . We were questioned , but nobody had any real evidence to imprison us . One of the slave owners , however , didn 't give up - he hired several men to watch our every step and warned us . . . " " Warn ? " - - - Nick asked , slowly comprehending everything what was being said . " Threaten will be more like it . They didn 't have any proof and couldn 't legally do anything , and since neither Abby nor I had any immediate families in New Orleans or anywhere else for that matter , we were told by these men , that if we were to help anyone else to escape , then you and your sister would suffer . Abigail was fond of Audra , and someone must have seen two of you with us , when we took you out on those walks in the city . Abigail told me that she made a mistake by inviting your parents and you to New Orleans , but I tried to calm her down - - we weren 't helping anyone to escape , since we had already been followed . Still , both of us felt awful , and afraid for you and your sister , but what happened next wasn 't supposed to take place . . . it all was just one big misunderstanding . " " I wasn 't at the hotel that evening , and can only guess what had really happened . Abigail came home running later that night with your sister in her arms - - she was crying , and Audra was also in tears . Abby explained quickly that two men broke into the suite , once she put you to bed and was entertaining Audra , who was still awake . Obviously , several slaves escaped that night - - I wish that we had something to do with it , but we didn 't , because by that time we were in their black lists already . She said that they accused her of hiding them , and stabbed you to prove that they weren 't kidding , demanding for her to tell them where the slaves were . She thought that you were dead , because of so much blood , and I don 't know how , but Abby managed to lock them in the rooms and ran away from here with Audra . " " Nicholas , Abby and I weren 't like everyone else - - people weren 't approving of our beliefs , rituals and the ways that we had been practicing them . We stayed in the house , not really knowing what to do , when finally , Abby decided that we had to leave New Orleans , and bring Audra here . She was afraid for your sister 's life , more than her own . We couldn 't go back to the hotel , and we were too well known to stay in the city , but we didn 't make it far , or should I say Abby didn 't make it . . . " " Did your parents believe that story in the paper ? No , Nicholas - - your aunt learned to love and appreciate every minute of life . Truth was much more awful . . . She and Audra were ahead of me and we were several miles away from the city , when some men reached us . We hid behind the trees , but when Abigail saw Tom , her brother , among them , she came out from the hiding , hoping to clear things up , and give Audra back to him , but Tom wouldn 't listen . I can 't really blame him - - he had probably come back to the hotel , horrified at what he saw , but he could at least listen . . . He took Audra from her arms , and without saying anything , left her , surrounded by those men . " - - - Maria 's voice became hoarse as she was remembering this episode , and Nick felt that what she was about to tell him was extremely difficult for her . " They were calling her names . . . a witch . . . a devil worshiper . . . you name it . . . and accusing her of helping those slaves to escape . . . I was just feet away , knowing that she wouldn 't get away from them alive . I was crying and now I have no idea , how I managed to keep it down , so that they wouldn 't discover me . They got what they wanted - - she was in their hands , and she wasn 't telling them where I was . They hanged her soon afterwards . . . and rode away . . . The wind was strong that day . . . it just kept on twisting and twirling the rope . . . This was the most awful sight of all . " - - - Maria stopped for a moment , inhaling deeply and continued . " She was more than a friend to me , and even more than a sister . Once they left , I managed to take her down , but couldn 't bury her - - I had to get away from there , because from then on they were after me . I changed my name since , and even my appearance a little , but you can never run away from your memories . They just keep on haunting you for the rest of your life . . . " - - - She paused again , now looking down . " I wanted to , but not anymore - - she wouldn 't listen to me , Nicholas , even after all these years ; and at first , it was making me mad , but not any more . I saw you and know that if you were mine , and someone had hurt you the way they did , I would have wanted to blame someone , and I wouldn 't have listened either . I am glad that you know now what happened - - that is like a huge mountain off my shoulders . " " I don 't know yet . This is a bit sad , isn 't it ? Though , Abigail keeps me company . She is always around . One more thing that you have to know - - she 's been very persistent in the past weeks , sensing that Audra 's life was in danger with this recent earthquake , and that 's why I came here . " - - - Maria explained , looking at him . " I am glad that Abby succeeded . In a way , your sister has a guardian angel with a rather strange way of taking care of her . Make sure that she keeps that necklace - - it will protect her from ill things . " - - - Maria advised . hapter 18 Victoria Barkley rose from the sofa , trying not to make any noise , and just as quietly walked over to Heath and Audra 's beds , to check on them . It was well past the midnight , and she still felt uncomfortable letting her children , whom she almost lost , out of her sight , afraid that they might still need her help and attention sometime during the night . After spending nearly an hour sitting on the sofa , and thinking about everything that Nick had told her tonight over dinner , unwillingly in her thoughts she had to go back to the events of that fatal night that changed all their lives . Nick seemed to believe Maria 's every word , and in a way , she was glad that he had gone to her place , and that both of them had this chance to reminisce about the past . More than ever , Victoria now wished that her husband , Thomas Barkley , could be here right now , so that two of them could talk and remember that difficult time , and maybe , decide whether or not they could accept Maria 's story . The reason for such wishful thinking on her part was that no longer did Victoria Barkley know what to believe in or whom to trust . Inhaling deeply , she approached Heath 's bedside and reached out to adjust the covers on his bed . Her youngest son was sleeping now , and by the calm and relaxed expression on his bruised face , she could see that this was a very peaceful sleep . He looked so much like Tom this very minute , that she suddenly felt chills going through her body . Heath was a gift to her , a gift that she never dreamed about , and if in the beginning she still felt bitterness , because of her husband 's betrayal , very soon this feeling was permanently replaced with one lasting sense of gratitude . He was now her son , and very often , just like in the past few days , Victoria would forget that in reality , she was not the one who had given birth to him . She looked at Heath 's right side of a body , where one rib was very badly fractured , and listening to his even breath , she knew now that it was slowly healing . Especially , during the past day , staying in bed was very hard on Heath , who wanted to get out and go on with his ranch work , and the next few days were going to be just as difficult . Victoria gently touched his blond hair , and bending over his bed , she kissed him on the cheek . Heath suddenly sighed so bitterly in his sleep , that she quickly stepped back , trying to hide her smile , amused at his reaction to her goodnight kiss . She then turned to her daughter , who was asleep , on the neighboring bed . Her eyes were closed , but she was smiling , probably , seeing a wonderful dream . Victoria stopped for a moment , noticing that with her hand on her chest , Audra was clutching the necklace , which was still around her neck . Quietly , Victoria took her daughter 's hand in hers , hoping to release it from holding on to the necklace , but something had stopped her from doing that . Maria had told Nick that she hoped that Audra would keep it with her , because was protecting her : She could still see that her daughter 's left arm and shoulder were giving her some pain , but other than that , nothing else seemed to be wrong , and knowing Audra , Victoria was certain that she would , probably , be out of this room by tomorrow . After her condition was stabilized , Audra told Victoria about Abigail , who had lightened up the attic so that she could find that rifle . She didn 't say that to Audra , but she didn 't believe in Abigail 's ghost being there - - it was probably , an illusion that gave her daughter just enough strength to go on fighting . In any case , she was glad that it happened , because in the end it did save Audra and Heath 's lives . The party , so carefully planned by Audra , had to be cancelled , because of the disaster that shook up the valley , and her daughter felt sad about this . Luckily , nobody died during the earthquake , with by itself was a miracle , knowing how close Heath and Audra had come to it , but several families still lost their homes . Victoria bended over , placing a kiss on her daughter 's cheek , and trying not to wake her up , slowly walked towards the window . Maria was leaving Stockton tonight . . . Victoria was relieved , thinking about it , as she leaned on the windowsill , but at the same time , she still felt a little uneasy about this woman 's departure . Nick offered to take her to Maria 's tent so that two of them could talk , but she refused . Perhaps , everything that Maria had told her son was the truth , but too many years had already passed for them to start rebuilding something that was destroyed to its foundation so long ago . Victoria didn 't mind her son seeing this woman , who meant so much to him , and maybe , it was all for the best . Deep inside , she had forgiven her , as well as Abigail , but Maria 's beliefs , however , were no longer something she could respect . With her mind Victoria understood that everything that had happened here in the past days was pure coincidental , but her youngest son , and especially , her daughter seemed to be thinking otherwise . There were Finally , she reached for the curtains , slightly shaking her head from all the thoughts that have overwhelmed her in the last minutes , ready to draw the curtains in , when whom she saw outside the window made her stand still : there was someone in the backyard , some young woman , dressed in white , with long dark hair , who was slowly walking away from the house towards the gates . Victoria knew this walk and this long hair , this arms and even this hands . . . She still remembered them all to well , but this couldn 't be . . . Could Audra be right ? Could all of this be for real ? Unable to speak , Victoria kept staring at the figure , going away , and her mind was racing : Despite the large distance between them , their eyes suddenly met as Victoria kept staring at her , still not accepting it with her mind that this was indeed happening . If Abigail was dead , then why was she seeing her in the backyard ? This was all reminding Victoria too much of Abigail 's last visit to the Barkley Ranch , when she used to walk at nights just like that , and dance in the garden not intimidated that anybody might look . She always made up her mind to leave at night , after putting children to bed , to make the good - byes less painful and sad . Victoria remembered now , how she waved her good - bye that last time , ironically from this same room , which then used to be her daughter 's nursery . Right now , she was leaving them just like she did then many years ago . . . years before they had met again in New Orleans and years before her death . Was she really here all the time ? Was it really her who was taking care of Heath and Audra ? Was it her who saved her children 's lives ? A second passed at most , but it seemed so much longer , as Victoria kept staring at this woman outside the window quite far away , and very slowly , she saw Abigail raising her right hand and then waving to her . Victoria froze , knowing now in her heart that this was Abigail . She always waved her good - bye like that , once she was at the gates , and this night she was again biding her farewell . Very slowly , Victoria raised her right hand , putting it against the glass , feeling sudden tears appearing in her eyes . She couldn 't wave to her now , since all of this seemed too surreal to be true , even if it was making sense . Abigail smiled at her gesture from the distance , and turning away resumed her walk , finally disappearing behind the gates . Victoria couldn 't see her anymore , and with her something deep inside of her was now also gone - - some pain or wound that had never healed was no longer there . This chapter of her life was closed , and as she inhaled the fresh night air , hoping to gain enough strength to look away , she suddenly felt someone 's arm around her shoulders , so unexpectedly that it made her practically jump . " I am sorry , but I thought that you heard me entering the room . Are you all right ? You look as though , you 've just seen a ghost . " - - - He asked with concern . " Of course not . . . I just haven 't heard you coming , " - - - She lied , glad that he was now here with her . She couldn 't tell him about this vision . " I have noticed that Audra was pretty upset that we had to cancel the party . She put so much effort into it . Her birthday is next month , and she should be well enough by that time . . . maybe , we can throw a real big party then . . . " - - - He suggested . " And I know just the present to give . . . " - - - Victoria looked up at her son , smiling . She felt better now , finally letting go off something that has been haunting her for years , and in a way , Abigail was the one who helped her to do that . Now , all that she had to do was to make some things right . . . things reminding her of Abigail . " Are you thinking , what I think you are thinking ? " - Jarrod frowned , looking at his mother with some suspicion in his blue eyes . He knew her so well that sometimes it wasn 't that hard for him to guess what was on her mind . " Well , that depends on what you are thinking I am thinking . " - - - Victoria smiled widely , and seeing his mother 's canny smile and twinkle in her eyes , he then quietly asked just to be sure . |
" It really did . So Masakichi went to the town and found a spot for himself in the square . He put up a sign : ' Deeelicious Honey . All Natural . One Cup - 200 . ' " Absolutely . Masakichi lived with people when he was just a cub , and they taught him how to talk and how to count money . Masakichi was a very special bear . And so the other bears , who weren 't so special , tended to shun him . " " Yeah , they 'd go , like , ' Hey , what 's with this guy , acting so special ? ' and keep away from him . Especially Tonkichi , the tough guy . He really hated Masakichi . " " Yeah , really . Meanwhile , the people would say , ' O . K . , he knows how to count , and he can talk and all , but when you get right down to it he 's just a bear . ' So Masakichi didn 't really belong to either world - the bear world or the people world . " Junpei often made up stories for Sala before she went to bed . And whenever she didn 't understand something she would ask him to explain . Junpei gave a lot of thought to his answers . Sala 's questions were often sharp and interesting , and while he was thinking about them he could also come up with new twists to the story he was telling . " Not so big , " Junpei said . " In fact , he 's kind of on the small side . For a bear . He 's just about your size , Sala . And he 's a very sweet - tempered little guy . When he listens to music , he doesn 't listen to rock or punk or that kind of stuff . He likes to listen to Schubert , all by himself . " " Well , it 's a very , very steep mountain , and the hikers get all faint and dizzy , and they throw away tons of stuff they don 't need . Right there by the road , like , ' Oh , man , this pack is so heavy , I feel like I 'm gonna die ! I don 't need this pail anymore . I don 't need this boom box anymore . ' " O . K . , " she said , wrapping her hands around the glass and drinking the warm milk with great care . Then she asked , " How come Masakichi doesn 't make honey pies and sell them ? I think the people in the town would like that better than just plain honey . " It was almost 2 A . M . by the time Sala went back to bed . Junpei and Sayoko waited for her to fall asleep , then went to split a can of beer at the kitchen table . Sayoko wasn 't much of a drinker , and Junpei had to drive home . " Sorry for dragging you out in the middle of the night , " Sayoko said , " but I didn 't know what else to do . I 'm totally exhausted , and you 're the only one who can calm her down . There was no way I was going to call Takatsuki . " Junpei nodded and took a swig of beer . " Don 't worry about me , " he said . " I 'm awake till the sun comes up , and the roads are empty at this time of night . It 's no big deal . " " Thanks . You 're a nice person , " Junpei said . " But the short story is on its way out . Like the slide rule . Let 's talk about Sala . Has she done this before ? " " Almost every night . Sometime after midnight , she gets these hysterical fits and jumps out of bed . And I can 't get her to stop crying . I 've tried everything . " " I think she saw too many news reports on the earthquake . It was too much for a four - year - old . She wakes up at around the time of the quake . She says a man woke her up , somebody she doesn 't know . The Earthquake Man . He tries to put her in a little box - too little for anyone to fit into . She tells him she doesn 't want to get inside , and he starts pushing her - so hard her joints crack - and he tries to stuff her inside . That 's when she screams and wakes up . " " He 's tall and skinny and old . After she 's had the dream , she goes around turning on every light in the house and looking for him : in the closets , in the shoe cupboard in the front hall , under the beds , in all the dresser drawers . I tell her it was just a dream , but she won 't listen to me . And she won 't go to bed until she 's looked everywhere he could possibly hide . That takes at least an hour , by which time I 'm wide awake . I 'm so sleep - deprived I can hardly stand up , let alone work . " Sayoko narrowed her eyes and looked at him . " Not bad . It just might change her mood . Let 's do it - the four of us . It 's been ages . You call Takatsuki , O . K . ? " Junpei was thirty - six , born and bred in the city of Kobe , where his father owned a pair of jewelry stores . He had a sister six years his junior . After a year at a private cram school , he had enrolled at Waseda University , in Tokyo . He had passed the entrance exams in both the business and the literature departments . He chose the literature department without the slightest hesitation and told his parents that he had entered the business department . They would never have paid for him to study literature , and Junpei had no intention of wasting four precious years studying the workings of the economy . All he wanted was to study literature , and then to become a writer . At the university , Junpei made two friends , Takatsuki and Sayoko . Takatsuki came from the mountains of Nagano . Tall and broad - shouldered , he had been the captain of his high - school soccer team . It had taken him two years of studying to pass the entrance exam , so he was a year older than Junpei . Practical and decisive , he had the kind of looks that made people take to him right away , and he naturally assumed a leadership role in any group . But he had trouble reading books ; he had entered the literature department because its exam was the only one he could pass . " What the hell , " he said , in his positive way . " I 'm going to be a newspaper reporter , so I 'll let them teach me how to write . " Junpei did not understand why Takatsuki had any interest in befriending him . Junpei was the kind of person who liked to sit alone in his room reading books or listening to music , and he was terrible at sports . Awkward with strangers , he rarely made friends . Still , for whatever reason , Takatsuki seemed to have decided the first time he saw Junpei in class that he was going to make him a friend . He tapped Junpei on the shoulder and said , " Hey , let 's get something to eat . " And by the end of the day they had opened their hearts to each other . Takatsuki used the same approach with Sayoko . Junpei was with Takatsuki when he tapped her on the shoulder and said , " Hey , what do you say the three of us go get something to eat ? " And so their tight little group was born . Junpei , Takatsuki , and Sayoko did everything together . They shared lecture notes , ate lunch in the campus dining hall , talked about their future over coffee , took parttime jobs at the same place , went to latenight movies and rock concerts , walked all over Tokyo , and drank so much beer that they even got sick together . In other words , they behaved like first - year college students the world over . Sayoko was a real Tokyo girl . She came from the old part of town , where the merchant class had lived for centuries , and her father ran a shop selling the exquisite little accessories that go with traditional Japanese dress . The business had been in the family for several generations , and it attracted an exclusive clientele that included several famous Kabuki actors . Sayoko had plans to go on to graduate school in English literature , and ultimately to an academic career . She read a lot , and she and Junpei were constantly exchanging novels and having intense conversations about them . Sayoko had beautiful hair and intelligent eyes . She expressed herself quietly and with simple honesty , but deep down she had great strength . She was always casually dressed , without makeup , but she had a unique sense of humor , and her face would crinkle up mischievously whenever she made some funny remark . Junpei found that look of hers incredible . He had never fallen in love until he met Sayoko . He had attended a boys ' high school and had had almost no opportunities to meet girls . But Junpei couldn 't bring himself to express his feelings to Sayoko . He knew that there would be no going back once the words were spoken , and that Sayoko might take herself off somewhere far beyond his reach . At the very least , the perfectly balanced , comfortable relationship between Junpei , Takatsuki , and Sayoko would undergo a shift . So Junpei told himself to leave things as they were for now and watch and wait . In the end , Takatsuki was the first to make a move . " I hate to throw this at you out of the blue , but I 'm in love with Sayoko , " he told Junpei . " I hope you don 't mind . " This was midway through September of their second year . Takatsuki explained that he and Sayoko had become involved , almost by accident , while Junpei was at home for the summer vacation . Junpei fixed his gaze on Takatsuki . It took him a few moments to understand what had happened , but when he did it sank into him like a lead weight . He no longer had any choice in the matter . " No , " he said , " I don 't mind . " " I am so glad to hear that ! " Takatsuki said with a huge smile . " You were the only one I was worried about . I mean , the three of us had such a great thing going , it was kind of like I beat you out . But , anyway , Junpei , this had to happen sometime . If not now , it was bound to happen sooner or later . The main thing is that I want the three of us to go on being friends . O . K . ? " Junpei spent the next several days in a fog . He skipped classes and work . He lay on the floor of his one - room apartment , eating nothing but the scraps in the refrigerator and slugging down whiskey whenever the impulse struck him . He thought about quitting university and going to some distant town where he knew no one and could spend the rest of his years doing manual labor . That would be the best life style for him , he decided . " Where have you been ? " she asked . " Everybody 's worried that you 're dead in your room . Takatsuki asked me to check up on you . I guess he wasn 't too keen on seeing the corpse himself . " " Yeah , " she said , " you 've lost some weight , I think . " She stared at him . " Want me to make you something to eat ? " Sayoko opened the refrigerator and looked inside with a grimace . It held only two cans of beer , an old cucumber , and some baking soda . Sayoko sat down next to Junpei . " I don 't know how to ask this , Junpei , but are you feeling bad about Takatsuki and me ? " Junpei said that he was not . And it was no lie . He was not feeling bad or angry . If , in fact , he was angry , it was at himself . For Takatsuki and Sayoko to become lovers was the most natural thing in the world . Takatsuki had all the qualifications . Junpei had none . It was that simple . " It 's kind of embarrassing to put this into words , " she said , " but I want to stay friends with you , Junpei . Not just for now , but even after we get older . A lot older . I love Takatsuki , but I need you , too , in a whole different way . Does that make me selfish ? " Junpei looked at Sayoko in profile . He had no idea what she was trying to say . Why does my brain always work so slowly ? he wondered . He looked up , and for a long time his half - focussed eyes traced the shape of a stain on the ceiling . How would the situation have developed if he had confessed his love to Sayoko before Takatsuki had confessed his ? To this Junpei could find no answer . All he knew for sure was that such a thing would never have happened . He heard the sound of tears falling on the tatami , an oddly magnified sound . For a moment , he wondered if he was crying without being aware of it . But then he realized that Sayoko was the one who was crying . She had hung her head between her knees , and now , though she made no sound , her shoulders were trembling . Almost unconsciously , he reached out and put a hand on her shoulder . Then he drew her gently toward him . She did not resist . He wrapped his arms around her and pressed his lips to hers . She closed her eyes and let her lips part . Junpei caught the scent of tears and drew breath from her mouth . He felt the softness of her breasts against him . Inside , he felt some kind of switching of places . He even heard the sound it made - like joints creaking . But that was all . As if regaining consciousness , Sayoko moved her face back and down , pushing Junpei away . Junpei apologized . Sayoko said nothing . They remained that way , in silence , for a long time . The sound of a radio came in through the open window . It was a popular song . Junpei was sure that he would remember it till the day he died . But , in fact , try as he might after that , he was never able to recall the title or the melody . Sayoko reached out and laid her hand on Junpei 's . " Come back to school , O . K . ? Tomorrow ? I 've never had a friend like you before . You give me so much . I hope you realize that . " Junpei went to his classes the next day , and the tight - knit threesome of Junpei , Takatsuki , and Sayoko continued through graduation . Junpei 's short - lived desire to disappear disappeared itself . By holding her in his arms that day in his apartment and pressing his lips to hers , Junpei had calmed something inside himself . At least he no longer felt confused . The decision had been made , even if he had not been the one to make it . Sayoko sometimes introduced Junpei to a classmate of hers , and they would double - date . He saw a lot of one of the girls , and it was with her that he had sex for the first time , just before his twentieth birthday . But his heart was always somewhere else . He was respectful , kind , and tender to her , but never passionate or devoted . She eventually went elsewhere in search of true warmth . The same pattern repeated itself any number of times . When he graduated , Junpei 's parents discovered that he had been majoring in literature , not economics , and things turned ugly . His father wanted him to take over the family business , but Junpei had no intention of doing that . He wanted to stay in Tokyo and keep writing fiction . There was no room for compromise on either side , and a violent argument ensued . Words were spoken that should not have been . Junpei never saw his parents again , and he was convinced that it had to be that way . Unlike his sister , who always managed to compromise and get along with their parents , Junpei had done nothing but clash with them from the time he was a child . Junpei took a series of part - time jobs that helped him to scrape by as he continued to write fiction . Whenever he finished a story , he showed it to Sayoko and got her honest opinion , then revised it according to her suggestions . Until she pronounced a piece good , he would rewrite it again and again , carefully and patiently . He had no other mentor , and he belonged to no writers ' group . When he was twenty - four , a story of his won an award from a literary magazine , and over the next five years Junpei was nominated for the coveted Akutagawa Prize four times , but he never actually won it . He remained the eternally promising candidate . A typical opinion from a judge on the prize committee would say , " For such a young author , this is writing of very high quality , with remarkable examples of both plot and psychological analysis . But the author has a tendency to let sentiment take over from time to time , and the work lacks both freshness and novelistic sweep . " Takatsuki would laugh when he read such opinions . " These guys are out of their minds . What the hell is ' novelistic sweep ' ? Real people don 't use words like that . ' Today 's sukiyaki was lacking in beefistic sweep . ' Ever hear anybody say anything like that ? " Junpei published two volumes of short stories before he turned thirty : " Horse in the Rain " and " Grapes . " " Horse in the Rain " sold ten thousand copies , " Grapes " twelve thousand . These were not bad figures for short - story collections , according to his editor . The reviews were generally favorable , but none gave his work passionate support . Most of Junpei 's stories were about young people in situations of unrequited love . His style was lyrical , the plots rather old - fashioned . Readers of his generation were looking for a more inventive style and grittier plots . This was the age of video games and rap music , after all . Junpei 's editor urged him to try a novel . If he never wrote anything but short stories , he would just keep dealing with the same material over and over again . Writing a novel could open up whole new worlds for a writer . As a practical matter , too , novels attracted far more attention than stories . Writing only short stories was a hard way to make a living . But Junpei was a born short - story writer . He would shut himself in his room , let everything else go to hell , and turn out a first draft in three days of concentrated effort . After four more days of polishing , he would give the manuscript to Sayoko and his editor to read . Basically , though , the battle was won or lost in that first week . That was when everything that mattered in the story came together . His personality was suited to this way of working : total concentration of effort over a few short days . Junpei felt only exhaustion when he thought about writing a novel . How could he possibly maintain his concentration for months at a time ? That kind of pacing eluded him . Given his austere bachelor 's life style , Junpei did not need much money . Once he had made what he needed for a given period , he would stop accepting work . He had only one silent cat to feed . His girlfriends were always the undemanding type , and when he grew bored with them he would come up with some pretext for ending the relationship . Sometimes , maybe once a month , he would wake at an odd time in the night with a feeling that was close to panic . I 'm not going anywhere , he would tell himself . I can struggle all I want , but I 'm never going to go anywhere . Then he would either force himself to go to his desk and write , or drink until he could no longer stay awake . Takatsuki had landed the job he 'd always wanted - reporting for a top newspaper . Since he never studied , his grades at the university were nothing to brag about , but the impression he made at interviews was overwhelmingly positive , and he had basically been hired on the spot . Sayoko had entered graduate school , as planned . They married six months after graduation , the ceremony as cheerful and busy as Takatsuki himself . They honeymooned in France , and bought a two - room condo a short commute from downtown . Junpei would come over for dinner a couple of times a week , and the newlyweds always welcomed him warmly . It was almost as if they were more comfortable with Junpei around than when they were alone together . Takatsuki enjoyed his work at the newspaper . He was assigned first to the city desk , which kept him running from one scene of tragedy to the next . " I can see a corpse now and not feel a thing , " he said . Bodies dismembered by trains , charred in fires , discolored with age , the bloated cadavers of drowning victims , gunshot victims with their brains splattered . " Whatever distinguished one lump of flesh from another when they were alive , it 's all the same once they 're dead , " he said . " Just used - up shells . " They 'd discuss the books they had read , or things that had come up in their daily lives . Then they 'd talk about the old days , when they were still free and spontaneous . Conversations like that would inevitably bring back memories of the time that Junpei had held Sayoko in his arms : the smooth touch of her lips , the softness of her breasts against him , the transparent early - autumn sunlight streaming onto the tatami floor of his apartment - these were never far from his thoughts . Just after she turned thirty , Sayoko became pregnant . She was a graduate assistant at the time , but she took a break from her job to give birth to a baby girl . The three of them came up with all kinds of names for the baby , but decided in the end on one of Junpei 's suggestions - Sala . " I love the sound of it , " Sayoko told him . There were no complications with the birth , and that night Junpei and Takatsuki found themselves together without Sayoko for the first time in a long while . Junpei had brought over a bottle of single malt to celebrate , and they emptied it together at the kitchen table . " Why does time shoot by like this ? " Takatsuki asked with a depth of feeling that was rare for him . " It seems like only yesterday I was a freshman , and then I met you , and then I met Sayoko , and the next thing I know I 'm a father . It 's weird , like I 'm watching a movie in fast - forward . You probably wouldn 't understand , Junpei . You 're still living the way you did in college . It 's like you never stopped being a student , you lucky bastard . " " Not so lucky , " Junpei said , but he knew how Takatsuki felt . Sayoko was a mother now . This was as big a shock for Junpei as it was for Takatsuki . The gears of life had moved ahead a notch with a loud ker - chunk , and Junpei knew that they would never turn back again . The one thing that he was not yet sure of was how he was supposed to feel about it . " Like hell it is . I know what I 'm talking about . You know how to put words on a page , but you don 't know shit about a woman 's feelings . A drowned corpse does better than you . You had no idea how she felt about you , and I figured , what the hell , I was in love with her , and I had to have her . I still think she 's the greatest woman in the world . I still think it was my right to have her . " Takatsuki nodded . " But you still don 't get it . Not really . When it comes to anything halfway important , you 're so damn stupid . It 's amazing to me that you can put a piece of fiction together . " Junpei learned just before Sala 's second birthday that Takatsuki and Sayoko were on the verge of breaking up . Sayoko seemed apologetic when she broke the news to him . Takatsuki had had a lover since the time of Sayoko 's pregnancy , and he hardly ever came home anymore , she explained . Junpei couldn 't seem to grasp what he was hearing , no matter how many details Sayoko was able to give him . Why would Takatsuki have wanted another woman ? He had declared Sayoko to be the greatest woman in the world the night that Sala was born , and he had meant it . Besides , he was crazy about Sala . " I mean , I 'm over at your house all the time , eating dinner with you guys , right ? But I never sensed a thing . You were happiness itself - the perfect family . " " It 's true , " Sayoko said . " We weren 't lying to you or putting on an act . But quite separately from that he got himself a girlfriend , and we can never go back to what we had . So we decided to split up . Don 't let it bother you too much . I 'm sure things will work out better now , in a lot of different ways . " Sayoko and Takatsuki were divorced some months later . They reached an agreement without the slightest problem : no recriminations , no disputed claims . Takatsuki went to live with his girlfriend ; he came to visit Sala once a week , and they all agreed that Junpei would try to be present at those times . " It would make things easier for both of us , " Sayoko told Junpei . He felt as if he had suddenly grown much older , though he had only just turned thirty - three . Whenever they got together , Takatsuki was his usual talkative self , and Sayoko 's behavior was perfectly natural , as though nothing had happened . If anything , she seemed even more natural than before , in Junpei 's eyes . Sala had no idea that her parents were divorced . And Junpei played his assigned role perfectly . The three joked around as always and talked about the old days . " What do you mean , ' why ' ? It 's so obvious ! If nothing else , you 're the only man I 'd want to be a father to Sala . " " This is no deal , " Takatsuki said . " And it 's got nothing to do with decency . You love Sayoko , right ? You love Sala , too , don 't you ? That 's the most important thing . I know you 've got your own hangups . Fine . I grant you that . But to me it looks like you 're trying to pull off your shorts without taking off your pants . " " I have to give you credit , " Takatsuki said . " You 're right on the mark . I don 't deny it . I 'm ruining my own life . But I 'm telling you , Junpei , I couldn 't help it . There was no way I could put a stop to it . I don 't know any better than you do why it had to happen . It just happened . And , if not here and now , something like it would have happened sooner or later . " Junpei felt as if he had heard the same speech before . " Do you remember what you said to me the night that Sala was born ? That Sayoko was the greatest woman in the world , that you could never find anyone to take her place . " Two years went by . Sayoko never went back to teaching . Junpei got an editor friend of his to send her a story to translate , and she carried the job off with a certain flair . The editor was impressed enough to give her a substantial new piece the following month . The pay was not very good , but it added to what Takatsuki was sending and helped Sayoko and Sala to live comfortably . They all went on meeting at least once a week , as they always had . Whenever urgent business kept Takatsuki away , Sayoko , Junpei , and Sala would eat together . The table was quiet without Takatsuki , and the conversation turned to oddly mundane matters . A stranger would have assumed that the three of them were just a typical family . Junpei went on writing a steady stream of stories , bringing out his fourth collection , " Silent Moon , " when he was thirty - five . It received one of the prizes reserved for established writers , and the title story was made into a movie . Junpei also produced a volume of music criticism , wrote a book on ornamental gardening , and translated a collection of John Updike 's short stories . All were well received . Securing his position as a writer little by little , he had developed a steady readership and a stable income . He continued to think seriously about asking Sayoko to marry him . On more than one occasion , he kept himself awake all night thinking about it , and for a time he was unable to work . But still he could not make up his mind . The more he thought about it , the more it seemed to him that his relationship with Sayoko had been consistently choreographed by others . His position was always passive . Takatsuki was the one who had picked the two of them out of his class and created the threesome . Then he had taken Sayoko , married her , made a child with her , and divorced her . And now Takatsuki was the one who was urging Junpei to marry her . Junpei loved Sayoko , of course . About that there was no question . And now was the perfect time for him to be united with her . She probably wouldn 't turn him down . But Junpei couldn 't help thinking that things were just a bit too easy . What was there left for him to decide ? And so he went on wondering . And not deciding . And then the earthquake came . Junpei was in Barcelona at the time , doing a story for an airline magazine . He returned to his hotel in the evening to find the TV news filled with images of collapsed buildings and black clouds of smoke . It looked like the aftermath of an air raid . Because the announcer was speaking in Spanish , it took Junpei a while to realize what city he was looking at . " You 're from Kobe , aren 't you ? " his photographer asked . But Junpei did not try to call his parents . The rift was too deep , and had gone on too long for there to be any hope of reconciliation . Junpei flew back to Tokyo and resumed his normal life there . He never turned on the television , and hardly looked at a newspaper . Whenever the subject of the earthquake came up , he would clamp his mouth shut . It was an echo from a past that he had buried long ago . He hadn 't set foot on those streets since his graduation , but still the catastrophe laid bare wounds that were hidden somewhere deep inside him . It seemed to change certain aspects of his life - quietly , but completely . Junpei felt an entirely new sense of isolation . I have no roots , he thought . I 'm not connected to anything . Early on the Sunday morning that they had all planned to take Sala to the zoo to see the bears , Takatsuki called to say that he had to fly to Okinawa . He had managed at last to pry the promise of a one - on - one interview out of the governor . " Sorry , but you 'll have to go to the zoo without me . I don 't suppose Mr . Bear will be too upset if I don 't make it . " So Junpei and Sayoko took Sala to the Ueno Zoo . Junpei held Sala in his arms and showed her the bears . She pointed to the biggest , blackest bear and asked , " Is that one Masakichi ? " " No , no , that 's not Masakichi , " Junpei said . " Masakichi is smaller than that , and he 's smarter - looking , too . That 's the tough guy , Tonkichi . " " That 's a hard one , " Junpei said . " There aren 't that many interesting stories about Tonkichi . He 's just an ordinary bear . He can 't talk or count money like Masakichi . " " You 're absolutely right , " Junpei said . " There 's at least one good thing to tell about even the most ordinary bear . Oh , yeah , I almost forgot . Well , Tonchiki - " " Ah , yes , sorry . Well , Tonkichi had one thing he could do really well , and that was catching salmon . He 'd go to the river and crouch down behind a boulder and snap ! - he would grab himself a salmon . You have to be really fast to do something like that . Tonkichi was not the brightest bear on the mountain , but he sure could catch more salmon than any of the other bears . More than he could ever hope to eat . But he couldn 't go to town to sell his extra salmon , because he didn 't know how to talk . " " You 're right , " Junpei said . " And that 's what Tonkichi decided to do . So Tonkichi and Masakichi started trading salmon for honey , and before long they got to know each other really well . Tonkichi realized that Masakichi was not such a stuck - up bear after all , and Masakichi realized that Tonkichi was not just a tough guy . Before they knew it , they were best friends . Tonkichi worked hard at catching salmon , and Masakichi worked hard at collecting honey . But then one day , like a bolt from the blue , the salmon disappeared from the river . " " Well , all the salmon in the world got together and decided they weren 't going to swim up that river anymore , because a bear named Tonkichi was there , and he was so good at catching salmon . Tonkichi never caught another decent salmon after that . The best he could do was catch an occasional skinny salmon and eat it , but the worst - tasting thing you could ever want to eat is a skinny salmon . " " He tried . They were best friends , after all . That 's what friends are for . Masakichi shared his honey with Tonkichi - for free ! But Tonkichi said , ' I can 't let you do that . It 'd be like taking advantage of you . ' Masakichi said , ' You don 't have to be such a stranger with me , Tonkichi . If I were in your position , you 'd do the same thing for me , I 'm sure . You would , wouldn 't you ? ' " Things didn 't stay that way between them for long , " Junpei said . " Tonkichi told Masakichi , ' We 're supposed to be friends . It 's not right for one friend to do all the giving and the other to do all the taking : that 's not real friendship . I 'm leaving this mountain now , Masakichi , and I 'll try my luck somewhere else . And if you and I meet up again somewhere , we will still be best friends . ' So they shook hands and parted . But after Tonkichi came down from the mountain , he didn 't know enough to be careful in the outside world , so a hunter caught him in a trap . That was the end of Tonkichi 's freedom . They sent him to the zoo . " The three of them had dinner together , as usual , in Sayoko 's apartment . Sayoko boiled a pot of spaghetti and defrosted some tomato sauce while Junpei made a salad of green beans and onions . They opened a bottle of red wine and poured Sala a glass of orange juice . When they had finished eating , and cleaning the kitchen , Junpei read to Sala from a picture book , but when bedtime came she resisted . " Mama takes her bra off under her clothes , puts it on the table , and puts it back on again . She has to keep one hand on the table . And we time her . She 's great ! " " Sala ! " Sayoko growled , shaking her head . " It 's just a little game we play at home . It 's not meant for anybody else . " " Oh , what 's the use , " Sayoko muttered . She took off her digital watch and handed it to Sala . " Now , you 're not going to give me any more trouble about going to bed , right ? O . K . , get ready to time me when I count to three . " Sayoko was wearing a baggy black crewneck sweater . She put both hands on the table and counted , " One . . . two . . . three ! " Like a turtle 's head retracting into its shell , her right hand disappeared up her sleeve , and then there was a light back - scratching kind of movement . Out came the right hand again , and the left hand went up its sleeve . Sayoko turned her head just a bit , and the left hand came out holding a white bra - a small one , with no wires . Without the slightest wasted motion , the hand and bra went back up the sleeve , and the hand came out again . Then the right hand pulled in , poked around at the back , and came out again . The end . Sayoko rested her right hand on her left on the table . " Twenty - five seconds , " Sala said . " That 's great , Mama , a new record ! Your best time so far was thirty - six seconds . " Sayoko stayed with her until her breathing was deep and steady , then joined Junpei on the sofa . " I have a confession to make , " she said . " I cheated . " " I wanted to make a new record , " she said , narrowing her eyes with a smile . He hadn 't seen her smile in that simple , mischievous way for a long time . Time wobbled on its axis inside Junpei , like curtains stirring in a breeze . He reached for Sayoko 's shoulder , and her hand took his . They came together on the sofa in a strong embrace . With complete naturalness , they wrapped their arms around each other and kissed . It was as if nothing had changed since the time they were nineteen . " We should have been like this to begin with , " Sayoko whispered after they had moved from the sofa to her bed . " But you didn 't get it . You just didn 't get it . Not till the salmon disappeared from the river . " They took their clothes off and held each other gently . Their hands groped clumsily , as if they were both having sex for the first time . They took their time , until they knew they were ready , and then at last Junpei entered Sayoko and she drew him in . None of this seemed real to Junpei . In the half - light , he felt as if he were crossing a deserted bridge that went on and on forever . He moved , and she moved with him . Again and again , he wanted to come , but he held himself back , fearing that , once it happened , the dream would end and everything would vanish . Then , behind him , he heard a slight creaking sound . The bedroom door was easing open . The light from the hallway took the shape of the door and fell on the rumpled bedclothes . Junpei raised himself and turned to see Sala standing against the light . Sayoko held her breath and moved her hips away , pulling Junpei out . Gathering the sheet to her breasts , she used one hand to straighten the hair on her forehead . Sala was not crying or screaming . Her right hand gripping the doorknob , she just stood there , looking at the two of them but seeing nothing . Her eyes were focussed on emptiness . " The Earthquake Man . He came and woke me up . He told me to tell you . He said he has the box ready for everybody . He said he 's waiting with the lid open . He said I should tell you that , and you would understand . " Sala slept in Sayoko 's bed that night . Junpei stretched out on the living - room sofa with a blanket , but he could not sleep . The TV faced the sofa , and for a very long time he stared at the dead screen . Junpei knew that they were inside there . They were waiting with the box open . Junpei felt a chill run up his spine , and , no matter how long he waited , it did not go away . He gave up trying to sleep and went to the kitchen . He made himself some coffee and sat at the kitchen table to drink it , but he felt something bunched up under one foot . It was Sayoko 's bra , still lying there . He picked it up and hung it on the back of a chair . It was a simple , white piece of underwear , devoid of decoration . It hung on the kitchen chair in the predawn darkness like some anonymous witness who had wandered in from a time long past . Junpei thought about his early days in college . He could still hear Takatsuki the first time they met , saying , " Hey , let 's get something to eat , " in that warm way of his , and he could see Takatsuki 's friendly smile that seemed to say , " Relax . The world is just going to keep getting better and better . " Where did we eat that time , Junpei wondered , and what did we have ? He couldn 't remember , though he was sure it was nothing special . " Why did you choose me to go to lunch with ? " Junpei had asked him that day . Takatsuki tapped his own temple with complete confidence . " I have a talent for picking the right friends at the right times in the right places . " And Takatsuki had not been wrong , Junpei thought , setting his coffee mug on the kitchen table . He did have an intuitive knack for picking the right friends . But that was not enough . Finding one person to love over the long haul of life was quite a different matter from finding friends . Junpei closed his eyes and thought about the stretch of time he had passed through . He did not want to think of it as something he had merely used up without any purpose . As soon as Sayoko woke in the morning , he would ask her to marry him , Junpei decided . He was sure now . He couldn 't waste another minute . Taking care not to make a sound , he opened the bedroom door and looked at Sayoko and Sala sleeping bundled in a comforter . Sala lay with her back to Sayoko , whose arm was draped on Sala 's shoulder . Junpei touched Sayoko 's hair where it fell across the pillow , and caressed Sala 's small , pink cheek with the tip of his finger . Neither of them stirred . He eased himself down to the carpeted floor by the bed , his back against the wall , to watch over them in their sleep . Eyes fixed on the hands of the clock , Junpei thought about the rest of the story for Sala . He had to find a way to end the tale of Masakichi and Tonkichi . There had to be a way to save Tonkichi from the zoo . Junpei retraced the story from the beginning . Before long , an idea began to sprout in his head , and , little by little , it took shape . Tonkichi had the same thought as Sala : he would use the honey that Masakichi had collected to bake honey pies . It didn 't take him long to realize that he had a real talent for making crisp , delicious honey pies . Masakichi took the honey pies to town and sold them to the people there . The people loved Tonkichi 's honey pies and bought them by the dozen . So Tonkichi and Masakichi never had to separate again : they lived happily ever after in the mountains . Sala would be sure to love the new ending . And so would Sayoko . I want to write stories that are different from the ones I 've written so far , Junpei thought . I want to write about people who dream and wait for the night to end , who long for the light so that they can hold the ones they love . But right now I have to stay here and keep watch over this woman and this girl . I will never let anyone - not anyone - try to put them into that crazy box , not even if the sky should fall or the earth crack open with a roar . |
Leave a reply Tisha Porter didn 't think she was going to make it . Convinced she would die from her injuries , she left a blow by blow account of what happened to her and who was responsible . The why of it was still a mystery . Thanks to Detective Harlan James , Tisha was on the mend , but she was ready to get out of her father 's house and back into a house of her own . She was anxious to see that recently renovated old Victorian home and buy if she liked it . She wasn 't counting on the stress being too much for her still too weak body . Zachery Douglas was hosting the open house in the old Victorian . They 'd had more than two hundred people tour the house so far which was far more than he expected . And when Tisha walked through the door , he knew what she was to him , and he 'd do anything he had to do to make her his . Spencer Graham had been trying to get a hold of Jason Crosby for weeks , but he didn 't seem to answer emails , mail or the telephone . She had an idea that would make them a great deal of money , but she needed him to invest in her project before it was too late . So , barging into his home at 4 a . m . was the only solution as far as she was concerned . She didn 't , however , expect him to answer the door naked and proposition her as soon as she walked in the door . Spencer did the only thing that came natural to her , she knocked him on his ass … . Jason Crosby was nearly two thousand years old , and in all his days as a vampire , he 'd never seen anyone quite like her , not that he thought that was a good thing . He didn 't . She was his mate , and he was only going the tolerate her because he had to … . The building and surrounding area looked like a crater . The swing set , which may have held eight on it , was a twisted mess that hung from one of the blackened trees about a mile away . The slide was still sitting in its original place , yet barely resembled its former self . The only reason Harlan knew what it was is because he 'd seen his own kids on it . He looked over when someone said his name . " Four dead . We think . It 's going to be a little while before we can sort this mess out . If there were cars in the lot , I 'm not sure how long it will take before we can figure out not just the owners , but if they might have been here last night . Christ , this is a mess . " Harlan asked him if they 'd been able to get a list of teachers yet . " We 're still working on that . I have been able to canvas the damage surrounding this land . There has been one death that is apparently related to this explosion , but we won 't know for sure until all reports are in . Had this been in the city , Harlan , you know this would have been a hell of a lot worse . " " Yes . There are reports of windows blasted out eight miles from here . And I heard that one of the deaths was a man who had been on the street in front at the impact time and was killed by the blast . Is that the one that you 're talking about ? " Richard nodded . " As you know , had this happened only about ten hours later , there would have been children here , and a lot more bodies . " " We have narrowed down the center , we 're pretty sure . The city planner brought by the blueprints like you asked for , and he 's looking things over and thinks he knows where the epicenter is . Second grade room , as near we can tell . " Harlan wasn 't able to go to the area just yet ; the fire department was going over some of the wreckage to make sure that the fires were out . The bomb squad had left about half an hour ago . " The three bodies that we 've recovered here so far are two men from the janitorial service and a woman . No ID yet on the latter . We think it might have been the prin " Whoever this person was , they wanted this building gone , and didn 't care who was inside of it . It had a switch on location , meaning that it was set off by a simple movement or a lid being removed , so it mattered little to them when this thing went off . I would say that it more than likely was triggered by opening whatever it came here in , which I 'm thinking cardboard at this point . The others all depended on the main larger bomb , causing enough power to set them off as well . They were on a tumbler - like set off . Once they were moved , hard , they would blow . " Harlan asked him how long something like this would take to set up . " Hours . Maybe a few days . The person would have had to have access to the building , and no one to question what they were doing here . A good sense of the size , layout , as well as how much explosive material to use to get this sort of devastation . " " So whoever it was , they were known to those that work here , you 're thinking . I mean , the staff here , they didn 't have any issues with this person being in and out of here , so they could have pretty much done this without anyone having any clue . " Richard nodded . " This is some sick shit , you know that , right ? In another few hours , there would have been over four hundred people in this building , mostly kids . And then nearly seventy teachers and other staff . " " Don 't forget buses of kids that were being held to drop off at the higher grades , parents here dropping off little Jimmy for his first day , and any of the other hundreds of people that might have been passing by when this went off . " Harlan moved through the debris and other mangled things while they talked . " I heard that you 're having trouble locating two of the teachers . You think they might have been here too ? " " I hope to Christ not . Also , we did hear from the cleaning service . There were not three here , but six , to get the building ready for the first day . So far we 've had no luck at all trying to figure out if they showed up for work or not . The teacherssaw that the glass nearest the handle had been broken inward . Calling in backup , he was told to wait . It was then that he saw the blood . " I can 't wait . I can see that someone is hurt . Going in . " Instead of letting the dispatcher tell him to wait again , he muted his phone . He could be fired for it if this turned out to be nothing , but right now , he just didn 't care . As he made his way into the house , he noted in an abstract sort of way that it was neat . Not in a cleaned up sort of way - though it was that too - but more like this person did not care for clutter or fluff . Straight lines and hard surfaces were on everything , including the cushions on the chairs in the kitchen . It was also expensive , like this person spent all their money on their things , as they had no children or pets to muss it . Making his way to the living room , he could see the difference immediately . This was a room that was used ; comfort nearly screamed at him . The noise to his left gave him pause . He wasn 't in a good place in the house … the hallway he was in was not only open at both ends with rooms coming out from each side , but there were two doors that were opened in front of him , one on the right , the other on the left . But when he heard it again , he moved forward . " This is the Nevada Police . I 'm armed and have backup . " He heard the sirens getting closer and peeked quickly into the room to his right . Nothing . " Ms . Porter ? Can you hear me ? " " Yes . " He thought he heard her answer him but wasn 't sure . " I 'm dying . I 'm alone . " Relief was short lived when she cried out . " She hurt me . " Entering the room at the end , the doorway that spilled into the hall , he nearly backed away . The woman lying in a pool of blood looked as if she was indeed dying . Her body was not only covered in a great many of what looked like knife wounds , but she was beaten up as well . Moving closer , keeping his gun out , Harlan called for an ambulance . " I 'm Harlan James . Are you Tisha Porter ? " She nodded , then passed out . He could sthirty this morning , Alex had left . The facts in - between those times , he knew , would haunt him for years to come . By the time the ambulance arrived , he 'd called in a report on what he 'd found . Then he told his boss what she 'd written down about the other teacher , as well as having someone sent to her house to find the woman . Alexandra Grace was going to have a lot of explaining to do . ~ ~ ~ Randall moved through the hospital trying to figure out where he was to go . The nurse at the front desk had told him twice how to get to the operating area , but he was hurting in his heart so badly he only half remembered . When he saw two police officers , he made his way to them . " I 'm looking for my daughter , Tisha Porter . " The officer nodded at him and then took him to a man dressed in a dark suit . " My daughter , someone said that she was hurt . Tisha Porter is her name . She 's a teacher . Second grade . They all just love her . " " I 'm Harlan James , Mr . Porter . I came in with her . " Randall felt his knees simply give out on him . If Harlan hadn 't been there to catch him , he was sure he would have fallen . " Come on over here , Mr . Porter . We 'll talk while we wait . " " She loves teaching those children . I saw in the news that the entire building was blown up . I never got much from the man who called me . " Harlan said it had been him . " Was she in the building ? " " No . We found her at her home . That 's where we 're thinking she was hurt . Someone broke in . " Randall tried to think of why someone would harm his little girl . " She was beaten , and cut up pretty badly . The doctors here are doing all that they can to save her . You have a very smart and brave daughter , Mr . Porter . She 's helped us a great deal in this . " " That 's my baby . Always knew she was the best . I spoke to her just last night … I think it was the night before . It 's hard to think so much time has … . I had just called her to tell her to have fun with her first day . I teased her about her room being … . " He paused , trying to reme " She 's all I have in the world . Since her mother died , Tisha has become my whole world . I just saw her last weekend , and she was telling me how she 'd gotten all these nice learning tools from a shop online . And now this . " Harlan told him they were doing their best . " If you need anything , a kick in the ass to the mayor , you let me know . I 'll pull some strings and get you more manpower if you need it . You just let me know . I 'll get it for you . " " I think we have it for now , but I 'll keep that in mind . We 're working round the clock now , so I hope to have answers in a few days , if not sooner . " Randall nodded and Harlan stood up . " I 'm going to have someone at her room until we find this other person . And if you 'd be so kind , I 'd like for you to have a guard as well . Right now we don 't know the reason that any of this happened . So to be on the safe side , I 'd like to protect you as well . " " I have my own bodyguards . " Randall nodded to the hall where they were and the three men standing there . " Nothing will get past these men unless I tell them or they 're dead . If it will free up some of your men , I can assign them to her room as well . To be honest , sir , they 'll be there anyway . If you 'll agree to it , then nobody will get their underwear all tightened up by them being there too . " " I 'll let you know . " Randall nodded then was left alone . Making his way down the hall , he told Burt , his right hand man , what was going on as he sat in one of the most uncomfortable chairs he 'd ever been in . He also told Burt to set up some people on the inside for her safety . " You have it , sir . And may I suggest that we bring in that buddy of yours ? The retired agent ? He could be a little more help even from the sidelines . " Randall nodded . " Very good , sir . Have they told you how she 's doing ? I mean , more than you were told on the phone ? " " No . I 'd very much like it if you can run a check on any doctors and nurses she has contact with . And there is a person of interest that tto help himself , he tried to calm his nerves and heart . All he could think about was his daughter . Tisha had been born later in his life , he 'd been nearing forty and his wife just shy of that . Had anyone asked , he would have said they were happy being childless . They had money , a great deal of it , and traveled , and pretty much did anything that they wanted . Then Rachel had gotten pregnant and Tisha had come along . Randall was pretty sure until that moment he 'd not lived at all . Hadn 't taken a good breath of air , nor had his heart beat so well until he looked into the most beautiful pair of blue eyes he 'd ever seen . His baby girl , Tisha Randall Porter . She 'd been the best baby , and an even better child . No temper tantrums were ever thrown , nor did she give them a hard time about things . Of course , he 'd made sure that she had everything that she wanted … even if she only gave something a passing glance , he 'd get it for her . Until the day she turned seven . " I want to get a job . " He only nodded at her , indulging her even though he knew she 'd never have to work a day in her life , if he could help it . " My friend , Emma , has a job . And her grandma pays her for doing the dishes too . Not the pots and pans , but her pretty dishes she serves tea on . " " Tisha , I can give you money if that 's what you want . I have no problem with it . " She told him no , she wanted to earn her keep . " Honey , you don 't have to earn anything . We 're very wealthy . " " So are Emma 's mommy and daddy . And she has her own pocket money that she can do whatever she wants with and not have to ask . Why last month , she took me to get an ice cream soda , and no one knew about it but just the two of us . " Randall wondered just how much this other little girl was teaching his daughter . " I want to do this , Dad . You want me to be smart like you ? And know the value of money ? " " I do . And I 'm pretty sure that you have a good handle on the value of money . " Then she gave him that look . It wasn 't a pouty one , like most litAnother note to his list of things she 'd found out for him . As they went over her books , he was astonished not only at much she had learned by talking to the staff , but how much she 'd managed to save up as well . One hundred dollars just by doing odd jobs for those that worked for them . " All right , let 's see how you spent your cash , shall we ? " Randall had already had it in his head to get her a real ledger , as well as some colored pencils . It was the way that he 'd been keeping track of his earnings for years . Not only did he love seeing the numbers all lined up in neat rows , but when he had gotten a computer and it did the adding for him , he still found himself using his old tried and true method . " I 've put a computer on layaway . I had to have Molly help me with that . They 'd not sell me one at my age . I think it 's ridiculous that there has to be an age limit on learning , but now that it 's there , I pay on it every week and she takes it to the store for me . " Randall told her he 'd purchase it for her . " No , Dad . I 'm doing this on my own . " After an hour of going over everything , he 'd needed to find a quiet place to think . She had not just opened his eyes to his staff , but to the fact that she was not a baby any more . Randall would only admit this to himself , but he 'd had a good cry over that fact , and still got teary when he thought of it . " Mr . Porter ? " Dragging himself from his thoughts , he stared at the man in front of him for several seconds before he could think where he was . " Mr . Porter ? I 'm Doctor Fitzpatrick . I 've spoken to the police just now , and they told me that I could bring you up to date on your daughter 's surgery . " Randall sat up straighter in the chair and waited for the news . " She 's in grave condition , I 'm afraid , but I have hope that she 'll pull out of this . Tisha is young and in very good health . While she 's lost a great amount of blood and has had some pretty extensive wounds to her body , I think she stands a good chance of coming out of thin later and replace bone with metal in her hand , but for now , we have her in a hard cast to prevent her from doing more damage . " " Any internal injuries ? " The doctor nodded , then looked at him when Burt asked . " Was there brain damage ? What ? " " There is no way to soften the way I tell you this . Her abdomen was crushed , pelvis broken , and the fallopian tube on the right side was destroyed . Her womb was injured as well , to the point where it had to be removed or risk infection . As for her brain , we don 't yet know what sort of damage is there . After she wakes , if she does , we 'll be able to better determine where to go after that . " Randall felt his body just go limp . The words ' if she does ' were too much . His mind simply said this is too much , and he embraced the darkness where his little girl was safe in his dreams . Leave a reply Dane had no idea who she was . She 'd been shot and couldn 't even remember who she was hiding from . All she did know was she needed help , and when Julian Stanton found her , he took her to his family . Brayden Stanton was just tired of everything . It was time to leave Africa and go home to family . He called his dad to tell him that he was fed up with the job and he was on his way home , and he was bringing a fiancée with him . She wasn 't his mate , but he was going to make it work . He realized his mistake the moment he proposed . Danger comes at every turn . The women in Brayden 's life are surrounded with it . Both are lethal , but one has Brayden 's heart from the beginning . The question is , can the family survive it ? Chapter 1 She sat up , then promptly leaned over and threw up twice . The first time she 'd woken up , her head had hurt so badly she was sure something was stabbing her there . But one touch to her head had her fainting away again . Lying back down , she lay there trying to make the sick feeling in her head go away . Touching it gingerly , she felt the blood there again and the slice along her head , but there wasn 't any memory of how it had gotten there . Nor - and this frightened her more than the head wound did - who or where she was . Jane Doe . That 's what she 'd been referring to herself as since she 'd awoken the second time . It had been dark where she first holed up . Not that the daylight she had now made things any clearer for her . Looking around from her position on the floor , she realized that she might be in some really old building that hadn 't seen a broom or dust rag in a very long time . Slowly she rolled to her back , closing her eyes so she wouldn 't get sick again . " You need help , girl . " She had also started talking to herself , she realized , and wondered if that was new or something she did all the time . Asking herself questions about the things she did know about herself didn 't ring any bells either , but she listed them now . " You 've been shot and wounded . You 're female , and you 're smart enough to know that hiding out was the best course of action for yourself . And you carry a gun . " She wrapped her fingers around the gun that hadn 't left her side since she woke , and found it tucked tightly against her belly . It didn 't feel foreign to her , but like something that she wore as routinely as she did a shirt or socks . There was a holster for it , but the gun hadn 't been in it like it was now . Leather and steel , it had been strapped to her waist with one full magazine . Searching for any kind of identification hadn 't netted her anything . She had found a wound in her leg that had bothered her for a little bit , but not nearly like her head did . As she lay there , she thought of what couLeave a reply Who rescued who was still a little vague , but they escaped just the same . The lab called him SA - 8 , and they had made him into a very powerful weapon . But to Reese he was just Josh , a boy that could do amazing things , but a boy none the less - not a lab rat . That was two years ago - the lab had been relentless and lethal in their pursuit . With her big rig running on fumes , and their last dime spent , they wound up on a small town in Ohio … . Parker McCullough found an abandoned big rig parked on his land . It had been there a few days , and he wasn 't quite sure what to do about it . Calling the authorities seemed like the logical thing to do , but when he tried to do so , his cell phone went flying from his hand and a teenage boy appeared from nowhere . Parker thought the boy was an Elite Shifter , and after hearing a little of the boy 's story he wanted to help . Reese didn 't know who all these people were , but if she and Josh didn 't get away from them , the " others " would find them and they 'd all be dead , just like all the other people who had tried to help them along the way … . And now the gorgeous shifter , Parker , had her trapped in the kitchen claiming to be her mate … . She didn 't have time for herself , and she didn 't want to see them all die because they 'd helped her and Josh - Reese was out of options . Parker walked around the big semi three times before he made his way to the driver 's door again . He glanced over at his dad when he came around the back end of the thing , having just jumped down off the hitch . He was glad now that Dad had come with him today . " Don 't see nothing to indicate that it 's broke down . " Parker said he didn 't either . " Strange thing though , like you said , there ain 't no scent on it . Like it just appeared here without a driver . Mighty weird . " " No kidding . I saw it two days ago but thought whatever was going on , they 'd have come back for it by now . But nothing . And the door is unlocked . " His dad asked him if he 'd been inside . " Yes . Just to look but not enter . There isn 't anything in there either . Like you said , it magically appeared . " Parker pulled out his phone . " You calling the cops ? " Before he could tell his dad he was , something came out of nowhere and knocked him on his ass . His dad was backing from him and whatever it was that had attacked . His phone had been tossed away from him , and just as he was reaching for it , a boy appeared . " Christ love a waddling whale . " Parker glanced at his dad , wondering not for the first time where the hell he got his little sayings . But he also knew that he 'd been frightened too . The boy picked up his phone but didn 't hand it to him . " I 'd rather you didn 't bother with the police . They have a tendency to make matters worse for us . And for the moment , she 's happy . " Parker asked him who . " Reese . We 've been on the run for a long time and she 's having fun and relaxing . She needs it more than I thought she did . It 's been a while since she 's been able to do that , relax I mean . And we need the money , I 'm afraid . The rig , it 's very hard on gas and she 's not getting much in the way of work . More than likely due to the men chasing after us . " " I see . " The boy looked at his Parker 's dad then put out his hand to help Parker up , but Parker ignored it for now . " This woman , she owns this rig ? And if so , why is it on my property ? " " It was the only place we could find so that the men trying to find us didn 't see it . We won 't be here much longer , really . The trees will be turning soon , what with autumn coming . It 'll be more visible then and we can 't stay . You understand . " Parker looked at the hand still offered , then at the boy . " My name is Josh Savage . The Josh part is what I picked out , but the last is what I was given at the lab . " " Lab ? " Josh nodded , shaking his hand at him as if to say , take it . " I 'm a bit heavier than I look . If you would just back up a bit , I could get up and we can figure out what we 're going to do about these men chasing you . " " That would be nice , but it 's doubtful that you could help us much . They 're very determined , you see . " When he put his hand closer , Parker took it . The grip was startling , but it was the immediate connection that shocked him more . The kid was an elite shifter . " I 'm not what you think . You 're a jaguar , correct ? " " Yes . Parker McCullough . This is my dad , Rich . " The boy shook his hand then turned to do the same to his dad . He knew the moment that his dad felt the connection as well . " These people , can you tell me why they 're chasing after you ? " " Yes . I can . " But when no more was forthcoming , Parker looked at his dad for help . The boy laughed a little . Parker had no idea , but he thought it sounded sort of sad . " I can tell you but alas , I cannot . Reese , she says that I 'm too trusting . I suppose in a way that I am . But since I have all the information I need to know about you and that you 're trustworthy , I feel I can . But I need to ask her first . She is not trusting at all . " " This Reese … is she in trouble too ? " Josh nodded . " And these people that are looking for the two of you , do you suppose they 'll kill you when they find you ? " " Not me . Not right away . They need to take me apart , so to speak . To see what I can do if they use their weapons on me . And if I can be made into a weapon . Which , I assure you , I can . But Reese will die . Immediately if they can work it . She is of no use to them other than to get me to do as they wish . " Parker asked him if he would do that if they had Reese . " I would like to , but she has made me promise that I will not fall prey to their demands . She said that they would do as they pleased with her even after they capture me anyway , and that if I can , I am to take them all out . " Parker wasn 't sure what to do now . If he called the police , which he knew that he should , then he 'd have both their deaths on his head . He had no doubt whatsoever that Josh was telling him the truth in this . He looked at his dad when he started to laugh . " I 'm telling you right now that I think this is gonna end badly . Not for you boys , but for those that are chasing that girl and this one . " Parker asked him how he 'd come to that conclusion . " I don 't really know , but I have a feeling now that we 're involved - and we were the second that truck there pulled onto your land - that the rest of us is gonna be working on this . I don 't know how , like I said , but there you go . " Parker turned to Josh . The kid was smiling at his dad but not saying anything . He didn 't know why , but Parker had a feeling the kid didn 't say much of anything unless asked directly . Parker looked at the semi again and thought of someone finding it . " I have a barn we can have Reese pull this into . It 'll be safer than it is out here . Also , I don 't know where you 're staying , with her or not , but I have plenty of room at my place that 'll be safer than the truck or wherever you are hiding now . " Josh told him . " Then I 'm sure of it . Margaret runs a nice place but it 's not terribly secure . If she doesn 't want to stay at my house , I have a married brother that can put the two of you up as well . " At least he hoped so . And with these guys coming around , it would be a good thing to have them close to Lauren . She was way more bad assed than any person that he 'd ever met . Parker looked at his dad when he cleared his throat . " Might want to go and see this girl . Just to let her know in person what you have in mind . " He nodded . " And Parker , I 'd make this a request , not a demand . Things don 't go well when you boys make demands on women . " " No , I 'd never do that . I do think that the semi going into the barn would be better . But if she has other plans that 's fine too . " He looked at Josh then . " You know where she is ? " " Working . She works for May Roy , at Roy 's Place . Reese cooks for the morning group and sometimes , a lot lately , for the lunch one too . They like her . " His dad laughed . " You 've tasted her food ? " " I believe that I have . Every morning , as a matter of fact . She 's been there about a week and a half now , correct ? " Josh nodded and smiled . " Thought so . May is a wonderful woman and the best bartender you might want to come across . And Margaret is about the sweetest , most ornery woman you 'd want to meet . But neither of them could cook a meal and have it come out right if their lives depended on it . Yes , sir , Reese is a fine cook . " They made their way to his dad 's truck . They 'd come out here together to have a look at the tomatoes and corn that he 'd planted . His dad wanted to open up a little roadside place to get rid of the stuff he didn 't need , and Parker had brought him out to show him just how much there was . As he put a bushel of tomatoes and corn with some potatoes in the back of the truck , he thought of the young boy . He wasn 't human , that much was certain . And he 'd told him that he wasn 't right in thinking he was an elite shifter either . Parker had no idea what that might mean , nor the part about the lab that he talked about . Why a bunch of men would want anything to do with this kid was beyond him ; especially enough to kill for him . " Look . " They both turned to see a black SUV go by them . It was going pretty fast so he doubted that anyone in the thing had seen the truck , but he worried . " I 'm thinking we might want to circle our wagons . There is gonna be trouble if we don 't help them . " " I agree . " As he reached for his family , he was glad when Lauren said she was in town and would go by the diner to look around . He told her about the boy and the woman ; also about the semi that was parked on his land . I 'll see what I can do about that too . Bear is with me , as well as a few others . We 're here looking around for someplace to have a couple of meets and greets . He was almost afraid to ask her what that meant . I 'll keep an eye on things on this end for you . And Bear is gonna move the vehicle now . The barn unlocked ? Yes . He didn 't ask how Bear was going to move the big rig . There had been no keys in the sucker that he 'd seen , and he was pretty sure that , without her knowing them , Reese wasn 't going to hand over the keys to them . Just tell him not to damage anything on the truck or the barn . I have stuff in there for the house that I bought cheap , but I don 't want it damaged . She was still laughing at him when they pulled up in front of the diner alongside three big black vehicles without any sign of license plates . He could see the men in the cars as he walked by them . Parker felt the hair on his neck dance in fear . Reese nearly screamed when someone spoke to her from behind . When she turned , holding the spatula like a weapon , the woman simply took it from her and pointed to the walk - in . Reese started to ask her what the hell she was doing when Josh came in the back room with them . She 's going to help us . Reese wanted to ask him how and why they might need help when he continued . They 're here . And before you think to run , they 're all around this place . Do as she asks , please . I think she can help us . She was so afraid that she stood there for a few seconds just staring at the woman . When the woman pulled out a gun and then nodded to the walk - in again , Reese went where she was told , grabbing Josh 's hand as she passed him to take him with her . As soon as the door closed behind them , she looked at her friend . " What the hell is going on ? " He smiled at her but she could see the fear . " How did they find us ? We … . The truck . They found the truck , didn 't they ? " " Not that I 'm aware of . But a man did find it . He said that he 'd take care that it was safe . " She asked him how they were going to do that . " He has a barn . I have been over his property . The barn is sufficient to hide it in . Also , he said that we should stay with him rather than the hotel . I think that might be a better plan . When I came here , they were at the hotel too . May , she was calling the police even as they left her office . " When the door opened , she had to put her hand over her mouth to keep from screaming . The elderly man standing there smiled at her and asked her to please come with him . Josh started forward and she grabbed him by the arm . " I don 't know you and I 'm not going anywhere with you . That woman out there , she has a gun . While I think that can be a good thing , as I said , I don 't know you . " He nodded and told her that he knew Josh . " How do you know him ? Did you call these guys ? Did you tell them that I would give him up ? I have news for you , you overgrown fucking bastard , I will not go down easily . " " Good for you . And my family isn 't going to let a thing happen to either of you now . " She started to ask him why but she wasn 't given the chance . " Lauren is talking to those men now . She would like for you two to come to the house with me . She assures me that they 'll not know you 're there . And I 'd believe her if I were you . She 's got a way about her that makes grown men sob when she doesn 't get her way . I love her to death , you see , but she scares the bejeebes out of me too . " " Sob ? What the hell is a bejeebe ? Never mind , I don 't want to know . " He nodded and that was when she heard talking . Well , shouting might have been a better term . As she made her way out of the walk - in with Josh , she peeked into the dining room where she knew the woman had gone . Reese could see her back to her and four men down on their knees in front of Lauren . Two men were standing behind the men , one of them with a gun to the bigger guy 's head and the other man holding a knife to the throat of the last guy . Reese wondered what the hell was going on when the woman spoke . " You see , I don 't really give a fucking good shit what you think you 're going to have done to me . In the event that you might have missed this , I 'm holding all the cards right now . " A man spoke then , telling the woman that she was going to pay for this . " Nah , I don 't think so . You can think that all you want , but the only thing I might have to pay for is the mess in this dining room should I have to kill you all . Margaret gets kinda pissy when I make a bloody mess in here . She might even bar me from coming here again . It was pretty messy the last time . " " Honey , if you break one table in taking care of these fools , I 'll be happy as lemonade on a warm day . They done went and dicked around with our hotel too . Messed up two of the rooms like they owned them . May and me are not gonna be able to rent them out for a time now , and that 's just not right . You have to kill ' em , then you go on ahead and do it . " The woman asked the men if that was true . But Margaret answered for them . " You darned right it 's true . The guest staying there isn 't gonna be a bit happy to find all her things a mess . " Her things ? Reese wanted to know , but the man behind her touched her arm . When she turned to him , she could see fear and something more . Something in his eyes told her that he was afraid for her . When she shook her head at him , turning back to the scene in front of her , Reese had a feeling that the four men weren 't going to get out of there without some heavy fines . " We 're not paying for shit . " The man behind him popped him in the back of the head with his gun . " You fucking do that again and I 'm going to tear you apart . I 'm here on official business . That woman , the one that we were telling you about , she 's kidnapped my boss 's son . And he wants him back . You either hand him over , with the woman , or I 'm going to call in the troops . " " Troops ? Would that be the army ? Or perhaps you might have been thinking of some other branch of the services ? " The man told the woman that he 'd call who was necessary to finish this peacefully . " I think that boat has done sank , don 't you ? Peaceful went out the door the moment you came into my town and messed with my friends . Perhaps later , if you 're still breathing that is , I can show you the meaning of the word . I think there might be a dictionary around I can use . By the way , you can read , can 't you ? " " Yes , I can fucking read , you cunt . You 're going to regret this . " She nodded and pulled out her phone . When whoever on the other end answered , the woman said her name , Lauren McCullough , and that she had a problem here . " You think this is gonna win you points with the boss ? I got news for you , bitch , he 'll take you down with that brat and woman . " " You think ? Here , my boss wants a word with you . " She held the phone to his ear and when the man paled , Reese looked at Josh when he laughed . When the woman turned and winked at them , Reese backed from the scene . Something was going on there , something bigger than her and Josh . As they made their way out the back of the diner , she tried to tell herself that this was going to work out . That the woman in there , whatever boss she had , was going to give her enough time to get out of town with Josh . She had no idea how that was going to happen , but she was going to do it . Then the older man said her name and she looked at him . He did look sad . " You have nothing left at the hotel , child . Those men destroyed everything in the room . Parker is there now with the police getting things squared away . Also , we 've had your truck moved to the barn on his place so nobody will notice it . You have to know that you can 't keep doing this , running like this . Not now . " She nodded . Reese didn 't even have the strength to cry . " You come on home with me and we 'll have my wife make you up a nice dinner and gather you up something more to wear . Parker will be along in a bit and you can go out to his place to stay . He 's a good boy , my Parker . " " They 're going to figure out where we are and come there too . You might be better off just dropping me off at my truck . Josh and I need to head out of town now while the getting is good . " The man turned the opposite way of her truck and she just sat there . It wasn 't until Josh took her hand and reminded her that the truck was hidden in Parker 's barn that she started to cry . " We 've had a good run , haven 't we ? I 'm sorry . So sorry about this . " " Now you see here . This isn 't done . It might look like the storm has come in and is raining on your party , but those men , they don 't know what they 've messed with in coming to the McCullough doorstep . " She nodded at the older man . " Chin up there , child . You 're in good hands now . We 'll get the two of you safe . " " You have no idea how long we 've been running . And what sort of monsters they are . They just don 't care who they hurt to get us . Josh is all I have . " When Josh said he had to go , she simply rolled down the window and watched him fly away . If the man was shocked , he didn 't say anything . Then something occurred to her . " You spoke to Josh . He told you what was going on , didn 't he ? " " No . Well , yes and no . We talked to him . My son , Parker , the one that 's out there getting things squared away with May , he and I were out looking at the truck you left here . Josh sort of just come out of nowhere at us . Told us a little , that you and him were in trouble , but not why or with who . " She said nothing , not sure how much the man really did know . " So when he told us about the diner , we were headed out that way when those cars flew by us . Josh , he went on ahead to see to you and we come in a little later . My daughter - in - law - that 's Lauren that came in with me - she was already in town with her men and headed in first . She 's scary , that one is . Love her to death , but she can be a mite intense when she 's got herself in a pickle . " " Yeah , I noticed that too . But we 're broke and down on our luck . I was doing okay for a while , then the runs sort of dried up for us . " He nodded but didn 't question the way of her runs . " Josh isn 't really my nephew . He 's my friend . " " Didn 't figure that after meeting you . I know that you 're human and he … well , he ain 't . I can see that the two of you are close though . Yes , ma ' am . He sure does love you . " She told the man that she loved Josh as well . " My name is Rich McCullough . My missus , Bea , she 's rounding you and the boy up a meal right now . It might be a little cramped at the table with us all , but you just leave that to us . We 'll get you in . " " You don 't have to do this , Mr . McCullough . We 'll be fine once we 're rolling . " He only told her that she was all right . " I don 't want these men coming here and hurting you guys . It 's our fight . " " It 's mine too , and that of my family . When you parked on the land out there , you sort of give us the okay to take you in . You 're not going to be with a better family than this one . " She didn 't say anything , knowing that talk was cheap and she was going to be going as soon as she could get Josh to her . " Josh mentioned a lab , said that 's where the men are coming from . You work there ? " " No , I never worked there . I did deliver things to there for a time , but I never worked there . And after talking with Josh , I 'm glad that I never did . " She waited for him to ask her about Josh but he only nodded . " Those men aren 't going to give up . They want him back . And as I said , they 'll go to great lengths to get him . " " Well , I 'm not worried and you shouldn 't be either . It 's not going to happen . Not so long as you 're here with us . " Reese said nothing again . " I 'm assuming that Reese is your right name . May called you Anna . Anna Reese . You thinking that was gonna hide you some ? " " I wasn 't sure . I 've never been on the run before . " Mr . McCullough laughed and said he 'd not been either . " I think you should just let this go . As I said , these men aren 't going to give up , and they 'll hurt or kill whoever is in their way . " " You just leave them to us . We 'll take care of them . " She thought of all the things these men , all of them , had done to people who had helped her . Reese knew that she shouldn 't have stopped to work for the little diner , nor stayed in the small but clean hotel , but she 'd been tired and broke . She would have to take better care from now on . " What 's the name of this here lab ? " " Barker Benton Institute of Regeneration . It goes by BBIR . " She looked at the man when she told him the name . It hadn 't been her intention to tell him . In fact , she 'd not told a single person she had asked for help what the name was . " You made me tell you . " " No . I 'd like to think I had that much power over someone , but I didn 't . And so you know , I 'd not do that to you anyway . You 're worn down and that just slipped out . You 'll see , we 're a good group of people to have in your corner . Lauren , she 's going to have a look - see into them and find out what she can . Her and my son , Colin , they 'll have a whole lot of information before dinner is done , I 'm betting . And a way to figure this out too . We got us some pretty powerful people in our neck of the woods now , you wait and see . " " You mean Lauren 's boss ? " He looked at her and nodded . " I 'm betting that he 's just another man with a lot of money just waiting to get Josh in his hands . Well , I got news for everyone … over my dead body will he ever go back there and be tested on . " " I believe you . But when Lauren and Colin sit down with you to talk about this , I 'd like for you to have an open mind . Her boss might just surprise you . " Reese doubted it . She had become really jaded over the years on the run . " Here we go . Home sweethome . " Logan Douglas was bored . Everyone seemed to have something to do , a purpose , except him , and he didn 't know what to do about it . He needed to get out of town or get a life before he killed somebody . And if Mason made one more snide remark about him being available because he didn 't have anything better to do it was gonna be him . Charlie Stone knew the meaning of being overworked and underpaid . That was the story of her life . If she hadn 't needed what little pay she got from the nursing home , she 'd have quit a long time ago . Now , the police were shutting the place down and she had nowhere to go . Logan had found his mate , Mary Shafer , when they were still children . They knew what they were to each other , but Mary had been killed by a drunk driver when she was only ten . As far as Logan was concerned he 'd lost his only shot at love . One mate in a lifetime , everyone knew that . But what Logan couldn 't understand was his attraction to the feisty beauty , Charlie Stone . She couldn 't be his mate , he 'd already lost his shot at that … . " I 've no idea . " And he didn 't as he sat there looking at the paperwork in front of him . Logan wanted to hand it over to his brother again , but Zach had asked him to come over and look at it and he was going to do that . But as far as knowing if it was a good deal or not , he wasn 't sure what to tell his brother . " To me the interest seems a little high . But then as Landon said , I only have this ground as my backup , and I 've not made but two payments on it so far . And the first one was late because I forgot to take it to the bank while they were open . " Logan handed the paperwork to purchase the tractor Zach needed back to his brother as Zach continued . " It wasn 't really late , but I wanted to pay it on the day it was due , not the next day . " " You 're going to hurt yourself overthinking this shit . " Logan got up and pulled them both a bottle of water from the fridge before being seated again . " Okay , here 's the way I see it . You only get the interest charged to you when you drag out the payments for as long as this loan is for . I 'd not pay it off too soon … there is the matter of you having no credit . But after a year , I 'd pay it off and move on to something bigger . You 'll more than likely need it the way things are going out there anyway . " " The family is buying the grain I raise the first three years . I can 't sell to anyone else . " Logan said he knew that . " And Jace is paying to have a barn put in , one that will hold all that I can grow , as well as the tractor . " " I 've seen the plans . It 'll be large enough to hold three of these suckers . " He took a drink of his water , trying his best not to think of what was going on right under his ass with his own home ; and to not be angry about it . He was angry a great deal lately , and wasn 't entirely sure why . " I 'm guessing that the work on your home will be finished before Christmas , right ? " Zach said that things were moving right along . When Logan had moved into the family house , given to him by his aunt , he 'd had no idea what he was getting into . The furniture was all nearly new ; the carpets were worn through in some places but in otherwise usable condition . And he had a roof over his head that didn 't leak , so long as it didn 't rain for more than three or so hours . When the furnace , nearly as old as he was , broke down , he 'd called in someone to fix or replace it . What they found was that not only was the furnace not worth saving , but the house would be , even with the installment of the new furnace , worth less than it would cost him to have the furnace put in . The foundation was shot . Logan had to find someplace to live . He 'd been told that with the age of the house , the way that it was out of date , and now the foundation , he 'd be better off building new rather than fixing . He knew that in order to have a safe home he was going to have to start over or find himself an apartment in town and use the land for something else . What that was , he had no idea . He 'd not decided on what he wanted to do yet . Moving away - out of the ranching business , the family business , and away from them all - was sounding better and better all the time of late . Not that he didn 't love them , but he was bored out of his ever loving mind . " How much longer are you going to be staying here ? I 'm to understand that you 've been told to move out . " Logan told him he was working on it . " It 's really sad to see it go , don 't you think ? There are a great many memories here . And in the yard . I don 't know that I 'd be able to have it torn down either . " " I have someone coming in next week to pack everything up . You got what you wanted out of here , right ? " Zach said that he had . " Jace and Mason are coming by later to get the rest of the things they picked out . And there are the pictures that I still have to go through . I 've taken them to a storage unit in the event something terrible happens here . I never realized how many boxes there were . " " I don 't envy you at all . " Logan assured him it wasn 't so bad . Zach stood up and stretched , and said , " Okay , I 'm going to sign the paperwork and have them deliver the tractor when it gets into town . I think they said five days from the time I get the money to them until I have it . But about the house , Logan … as I said before , you can come and stay with me should you want . That trailer that I 'm staying in is pretty nice . " Logan sat at the table for another hour before he got up to make himself some dinner . The rest of the family , his other brothers that were mated , had butlers , cooks , and maids . He and Zach were the only two that had to make due for themselves . Logan wasn 't sure , but he thought he might like his way better . Less people underfoot . As he made his way to the ranch , riding old Sable , his horse , he thought of his days now . He 'd been in charge of repairs , a daily thing , since before Jace had married . And since there was nothing old - not even houses , except his own , that were older than a few months old - his job consisted of taking hay out of a trailer that might be on the property and loading it in one of the many barns that held it for the cattle and horses . Or - and this one drove him nuttier than a fruitcake at Christmas - he was set to ride lines . Lines that a hundred other people working the ranch checked every day when they were out and about . Frankly , he was thinking of taking a job in town , just to have something to occupy his mind rather than all the things he wished he could do . And just lately he 'd been thinking of going into one of the barns and breaking a bunch of the new shit so he 'd feel useful again . Viable , he thought . Because for all his family saying that they needed him around , Logan certainly didn 't feel it . He felt like a fifth wheel . " Just the man that I wanted to see . " He looked at the tractor trailer in the yard that he could see was filled with bales of hay , and then back at Mercedes . " I think that can wait a minute or two , don 't you ? " " Yes , ma ' am . " He tipped his hat back , wondering what she 'd need him for . As far as he knew , she had several of the hands eating right out of her hand . " I do have an appointment at noonish with one of the builders . Do you think it 'll take that long ? " " No . It 's a matter of one of my pieces of equipment . Georgie said you might be able to help with the instructions . " He said he 'd give it a try . " I was hoping you 'd say that . And so you know , I had no idea you could speak another language . " " I can when pressed . " He could actually speak ten languages , not including a few that he was picking up from reading books - antique books that were older than Monroe - and he was good at math . Of any kind . She handed him a stapled together stack of papers that looked like photo copies of photo copies of a manual . " And this would go with which of your fancy new machines ? " " The portable ultrasound machine for the animals . Mostly for the horses , but I thought using it for the cows won 't be much different if need be . " He nodded and started reading the instructions while she explained . " I have read the English ones three times and I keep coming up confused . I think it was poorly translated . I 'm not sure from which language , but I know it 's not well done . " " This is wonderful . Thank you so much . How did you do it ? " He explained how whoever had set it up had simply pushed the wrong button . " That 's it ? I 've been playing with this thing for three days and you only had to change the language ? Christ , I should have asked you sooner . " It was more complicated than that . There was also uploading the new software that hadn 't been updated before it was sent to her , and turning on the links she would need to be able to read it in her office and out in the field . But he only shrugged when she thanked him again . " I 'd have thought you 'd have more of this done by now . " Logan said nothing but felt his temper rise . " Not that it matters . But I was wondering what your plans are for this evening . I have this meeting I have to attend in town and wondered if you 'd go with me . " " Everyone else too busy ? " He knew that he sounded bitter but didn 't bother taking it back . " I don 't have any plans . What sort of dress is required ? I don 't own a suit that fits anymore . And my other tux is at the cleaners . " He was snipping , and the more he said the more his voice took a nasty turn . By the time he talked about his tux and the lack of having one , he was nearly ready to leap at his brother and tear him apart . An overreaction , yes , but he just couldn 't seem to control his temper of late . " What 's up your ass ? " Logan just popped his neck but said nothing . " For the last week you 've been biting and snipping at anyone that comes close enough to talk to you . Even Bonnie , who I might add you made cry . If you have an issue with one of us , you should tell us before you get hurt . " " You want to try and hurt me , Mason , then bring it on . I 'm about in the mood to kick your ass all over this ranch . " When Mason started to climb up on the hay with him , he looked at the doorway where someone had whistled at them . To them would have been a better description . It was more of a way to get their attention . Landon looked amused as he took his fingers out of his mouth . " You boys got nothing better to do than beat each other to snot , then I 'd like to borrow Logan for a minute or two first . I don 't have time to hear his bellyaching any more than I do yours , Mason . " Logan looked at Mason , who looked ready to commit murder . " Or I could just go on in and tell your aunt that you 're out here making a mess of things when there is work to be done . I 'm thinking you boys are still afraid of her even though you 're grown men . " " What is it you want ? " Logan cleared his throat and started again when Landon only cocked a brow at him . " I 'm moving hay . Again . And probably will be tomorrow too , if you want to know the truth of it . Whatever you want , you 'll have to ask the master here . " Mason looked ready to resume the fight that Logan had offered up to him . It was on the tip of his tongue to provoke him more , but Landon laughed . Logan stretched his neck again and got down off the trailer . " We 're not done here . " Logan just nodded . If he was honest with himself and Mason , he had no idea why but he thought he 'd actually love for Mason to hit him ; a lot , and hard . He walked to Landon and told him he was free to help him . Mason continued talking as he walked to the older man . " Logan , when you get back , we 're going to talk . " Saying nothing , Logan followed Landon to his truck and got in . It was walk away or have the shit knocked out of him . Mason wasn 't a mean fighter … neither was he , but Logan wanted blood , and he didn 't care if he had to shed a bit to get it . He was angry all the time he thought , too angry . " You wanna talk about it ? " Logan told Landon that he didn 't . " Well , suit yourself , but you should know you keep it up and there is going to be some tarring and feathering going on . You 've been making quite the name for yourself around here of late . " " I 'm bored . " Landon said he could see that . " And fighting with someone will make me less tense . I think . I 'm thinking that I need to move on . The house , the land , the lack of jobs … it 's taking its toll on me . And my well - being . All I want to do is just sit at home and stay there . Not have any contact with anyone at all . And I 'm sick of doing shit jobs , Landon . I haven 't done a damned thing worthwhile in a long time . " " What if I needed you for something that hasn 't a thing to do with cows and horses ? Heck fire , boy , I 'm not sure that this 'll be anything that I might like , but I 'm bored too . " Logan pointed out that he wasn 't fighting with his family . " No . No , I 'm not . Could , I suppose , if I wanted to be in the dog house with my wife , or on the outs with my daughter and son - in - law . I 've been getting myself in and out of trouble like you have , and I think we need a plan . " As they turned down a driveway , Logan felt himself begin to relax . He rolled the window down , despite the cold of the air , and thought maybe he should get a new truck . Or at least something that he could drive around in style . Not that he could afford something like this vehicle , and he didn 't need anything to get around in but his steady and sometimes slow horse . But Logan thought he might enjoy having something . When the truck stopped moving , he looked out the front glass , only just realizing that he 'd closed his eyes , and looked at the house and barn . " Is this the Martin farm ? " Landon said it was and got out . Logan was almost afraid to join him . He 'd heard stories about this place all his life . Most of them he knew were untrue , but to see this place now , he could almost believe them . The area surrounding the big house was unkempt and overgrown . " You thinking about the ghosts that haunt it here ? I been out here three times in the last month . I haven 't seen a single darn one of them . " Logan asked him where the Martins were . " William died about three months ago , poor old soul . He knew it was coming ; had me out to talk to him a bit here and there . Then when he passed on , the kids stuffed Dolly into one of the nursing places where she is tied to a bed all day and only let out when it 's feeding time . But she 's getting out soon , I heard . Had a doctor say she was doing all right and able to get out to one of them assisted living places . I don 't imagine that sets too well with them kids of theirs . They 're a lot like my Dirk was . Everything is about them . " Logan knew that Landon and his wife still hurt about Dirk and what he 'd done to them . He also knew that Katie was getting help , too , for her depression . Logan loved these two people like no one he 'd ever loved before . His own parents had been gone for so long , he 'd begun to think of them as their substitutes a long time ago . " I 'm sorry , Landon . I truly am . But I have to admit , I don 't remember seeing anything about the Martins ' children . " He looked at Landon when he said nothing . " We helped them out last year . He got sick and we came to help him and his men out by picking grapes . I liked Mr . and Mrs . Martin , but like I said , the children weren 't around then . " " Yeah , I remember that . Right proud of you for doing that too . But he never did recover from what had put him down . Heard tell that when he passed on the kids were so mad at him that they only did what they had to do to get him buried . Then when the will was read , they got rid of their Mom too . I 've been to see her a couple of times . " Logan said he thought they 'd been friends of his parents . " Your parents , they did right by them . Even before you boys were coming along , they 'd go over and help them out . Their own kids never did appreciate them . " Landon opened the front door to the house . Logan was surprised to see that the man not only had a key , but seemed to know just where the light switches were , as well as glasses in the cabinets . But when he pulled a pitcher of tea from the fridge , Logan asked him what was going on . " Six months or so before William passed on , he called me over here to have a little talk . And some of his wife 's pie . She couldn 't bake one to save her life , even when she poured the middle of it from a can , so I knew when I got here that I was in trouble . He was dying even then , he told me , and needed my help . " Logan nodded , sipping his drink . " Dirk was alive then . He 'd been in trouble with something , like he always was , and I called William back to beg off . But he said that he wasn 't long for this world and it would do him good to see me . So I packed myself up and came over . I found that in the three or four months since I 'd seen him last , William had aged a great deal . " " His kids . " Landon nodded and got up and brought them a box of cookies . Not the kind that was homemade , but ones that had been processed so much they were only cookies because some ad guy said so . " What happened when you got here ? " " He told me that he wasn 't going to be around long , and that he needed to settle some debts up before he passed on . One of them being about his daughter , the one that he 'd fathered when he was a younger man . " Logan leaned back in his chair and said nothing . " I can see where your mind is going . You 're thinking that I might should have stayed at home . And I might agree with you but for what I found out . She 's gone ; this girl died before he had time to do much for her . He found out about her too late . You knew her too , Logan . " " No , I don 't think so . I told you , I didn 't know his children . " He watched Landon pull out some pictures from a worn yellowed envelope , and almost wanted to get up and leave when he handed him one of them . Even upside down , he knew the face when he held it . " Landon , whatever you think you know , I 'd just as soon you tell me . Those pictures … you know as well as I that she was not a child of Mr . Martin 's . " " But she was . A child he fathered long ago . An affair , he told me , one that he regretted the moment he did it , but for the child he never knew . Mary Shafer , she was his little girl . " Logan took the picture and held it but didn 't look . He knew what she looked like as well as he knew his own face . " You and her , you were mates . " " Yes . We were . She was killed by a drunk driver when she was ten . We 'd been in school together , hung out when we could . I knew when I saw her what she was to me , even as young as I was . I tried to help her , protect her , but that was out of my hands . " Landon said he knew that too , William had told him . " I had no idea that William was her father . Not that it mattered to us who she was . We were just children . " " Yes , you were . Now , Dolly , William 's wife , she knew who she was too . Even the mother . Dolly was a better woman , I think , than most would have been , and opened her doors to the child when it was apparent that her mother wasn 't giving her the things that she and William had sacrificed to get her . Clothing , a better home . All the money he sent for her each month went to habits that weren 't beneficial to her child . So when she was killed , little Mary was in his will too . " Logan got up and paced the big spacious kitchen . " Logan , William knew who - " " No . I don 't want to hear it . " Landon said nothing . " Whatever plan the two of you hatched up , it has nothing at all to do with me . Mary died , and I knew then that things like having a mate and a home life were gone to me . I 've moved on . I had no choice , but that didn 't stop me from grieving for her like I 'd killed her myself . " " Have you moved on , Logan ? On account ' a , from where I 'm sitting , you 're stuck . " Logan stared at the man who had been the father figure he 'd never had . His dad might have been just like Landon McBride , more than likely would have been right there with them in this room . But he 'd died . " You 're carrying around some powerful hurt now . Seeing the others get their own mates , them having babies . You 're hurting , aren 't you ? " thought of the little girl who had meant the world to him . He realized then that Landon was right . He was jealous of his brothers , and was letting it color his world . " She and I were inseparable . We did everything together … skinny dipping in the pond not far from here , sneaking into the barn late at night . I 'd bring her food and blankets . One summer she spent the better part of it in that big barn , eating what leftovers I could sneak out to her . I was never sure why she was there or why she wasn 't getting enough to eat wherever she was from , but we had fun . I even brought her things in the house and washed them up when no one was looking . " He knew that his aunt had guessed she was there , or that someone was , and had begun leaving things like extra chicken and bread on the counter for him to take . " Then one day , just like that , she was gone , dead because some bastard ran a stop sign and killed her at a crosswalk . " " He left it all to you . " Logan asked him what he 'd said . " The vinery , the house , barns . Even the wine making business , it 's all yours if you want it . There is more than enough money to keep it running , forever if you wish . He said that he knew of all the men he had met in his lifetime that you 'd make it viable and keep it going . " Landon pulled out another envelope and handed it to him . There was a copy of the will and a sealed , smaller envelope with his name on it . Landon pointed to the small colorful tabs on the side and told him to read that first . William Martin had named not just him in his will , but also his little girl , the one that had died all those years ago . " I bequeath all my worldly goods and possessions to Logan Benson Douglas , a man of good standing and intelligence . I wish for him to run my winery , live in the house , and keep it going in the name of a child that we both loved . Mary Shafer , my daughter , would live here too but for my lack of sense . " " What did he mean by that ? " Landon said nothing and Logan was afraid that if he did answer , he wasn 't going to like it . " Landon , why did he leave it to me ? You know , don 't you ? " " His little girl was killed by her mother ; the drunk driver was none other than her own mother . " Landon leaned back in his seat while Logan tried to wrap that up in his mind . " You want to know more , you 're going to have to read what he wrote you . But you should know that if ' n you don 't take the land and what he 's given you , the kids will get it . And as much as it grieves me to say this , they 're no better than my own son was , and this place will have condos on it by the end of next year . And you know as well as I that this is good farm land , and to have them plopping houses on it is gonna do nothing for your family 's ranches . " Landon nodded . If he said any more or showed him anything else , Logan had no idea . When he came back round , the thoughts swirling in his head , he noticed that the sliding door was open to the deck off the kitchen and he could see Landon 's booted feet . Getting up , Logan went to see Landon to let him tell him this was a joke . Not a funny one , but a joke all the same . " You all right now ? " Logan said he wasn 't sure . " Yeah , don 't blame you none there . There 's a lot to take in . If ' n you 're ready for the rest of it , then I can give it to you . " " I 'm not sure yet . What do his kids think of all this ? By now , I 'm sure that they know . " He said that they did and were none too thrilled about things . " Are they going to give me any trouble ? I mean , if I take this ? " " You already took it , son . The only thing you 've not done is moved in . And that could be done lickety split . " Logan told him he knew nothing of grapes and wine making . " I don 't imagine that many do unless they read up on it . And there is the foreman that is taking care of things for you . Production has been going on , grapes were tended to . William has been gone for a bit , not even a year , but someone 's been here all along . " Logan sat down on one of the deck chairs and realized that they were fairly new . Now that he thought on it , Logan realized that the kitchen seemed to be updated and clean . He wondered what he 'd find should he go looking around the rest of the place . He asked Landon about it . " He had it all taken care of . Most of the renovations , they occurred before he passed , but he wanted things to be prettied up for you . Dolly , she said to me that last time I was out there to visit her that that someone had been hired to come in and take out all the personal things and put them in storage . The house , the lands , they 're all ready for you . " Logan asked him why now . Why had he waited so long ? " It was time . " Leave a reply Mercedes Crosby is a veterinarian and a damn good one . She 's just what Susie Douglas needs on her horse ranch , and Mercedes wants nothing more than to take the job and get out from under the thumb of her ex - husband , Nash Crosby . But trust in people is something Mercedes lost the moment Nash forced her to marry him at gunpoint . If the job sounds too good to be true , it probably is … . Darin Douglas is struggling to make ends meet as he opens his new bed and breakfast , The Douglas House . He has his first booking coming in in a few days and wants everything perfect , so he brings the family in to sample the first menu and to show off his new place . His brothers bring the already reluctant new Vet with them to dinner to meet the rest of the family , Darin and Zack . Darin met the Vet 's young daughter earlier that day and already loved the little girl , but he is surprised but not disappointed when his cat recognizes Mercedes as his mate . Mercedes , on the other hand , is scared witless . She had found out a few hours before that paranormals really existed and she was living among them . Now , this big handsome brute is telling her that she belongs to him and his cat … ah , hell no . " Nope and double nope . I 'm not going to do that for you , and I 'm even more surprised , or pissed off you might say , that you even asked me to . Where do you get off asking me to … ? I do not kill animals because someone is tired of them . Nor do I know anyone that might if I don 't . Christ man , what if that were a child ? " Mercedes went to the door and opened it for the man and his dog . " Get out . And if anything happens to that dog , and I do mean anything , I 'm going to have you brought up on charges . " " For a dog ? Fuck woman , it 's a dumb animal . Nobody gives a shit if they get hit by a car . And if you think I give one shit about what kind of charges you think you can put on me , then you 're way stupider than I thought you were . " He jerked the dog along behind him as he made his way to the counter . With a short nod , Mercedes knew that her receptionist would take care of the man . And the dog . Closing the door behind the two of them , Mercedes sat down on her chair and closed her eyes . This had been one hell of a week and it was only Tuesday . When her phone rang , she didn 't even bother moving to answer it . She knew that someone would pick it up . As she sat there , Mercedes thought of her life so far . She was a nearly thirty divorced mother of a ten - year - old little girl . No house , no car , and she was still paying off her ex - husband 's debt like she 'd had a thing to do with it . When she 'd gotten her divorce from him he 'd put a great many credit cards in her name and maxed them out . Nash hadn 't been too happy that she 'd been upset about him beating her to shit all the time . Go figure . When a knock at the door startled her to sit up , she nearly begged to be left alone . The bundle that came in the open door made her feel like she was queen of the world . Seeing Bonnie changed her mood just like that . " You 're not listening to me . " Mercedes told her that she 'd had a day and a half . " You work too hard . When do we get to go on that vacation ? Soon , right ? Can we leave tomorrow instead of Friday ? I don 't have any homework to turn in because of it being nearly Thanksgiving and all . " " It 's not a vacation , but a job interview . I told you that . " Bonnie nodded and handed her the things from her backpack . " This farm that we 're going to , it might not be anything that we want . Or something might go wrong and I 'm not good enough for them . " " Never going to happen . You 're the best . " Mercedes wished she had half the confidence in herself as her daughter did . " I 've got my things all ready to go . And I even " Our ride isn 't to arrive until Friday morning . So no , I don 't think we can leave earlier . Besides , we have to close up the apartment before we go , and since I 'm working late tonight , we 'll have our work cut out for us tomorrow as it is . You can wait the extra day . " There was a car coming for them . Mercedes wasn 't really sure what that meant for their travel plans , but Palmer had assured her that they were a very nice family with a great many horses that would need her help . Mercedes wondered how she and Bonnie were going to survive a trip all the way across the United States in a car , but they 'd endured a lot together and this would be just one more thing . And Bonnie thought it was going to be an adventure . Milly , the receptionist , came to the door to tell her she had a phone call . After telling Bonnie to keep it down , she answered the phone . She was both surprised and nervous to hear Palmer on the line . " Hello , darling . I do hope you 're ready for this trip . I know that everyone here is excited to meet you . I 've told them so many good things about your work ethic . " She told him that she was . " Good . Good . The car will pick you and Bonnie up at nine on Friday . Then you 'll be taken to my plane and brought here . I 'm sure you 'll love it as much as I do . And we 've put you two up in the bed and breakfast . You 'll be the only ones in it , and I 'm sure you 'll give us some feedback on that as well . It 's new to the area . One of the families that you 're going to be working for owns it . " " I thought we 'd be driving . " He said that would take too long . " I see . And when we get there , what if things don 't work out ? I mean , this is just an interview . I want to be able to come back if there is a problem . " " Are we going to fly out ? " She told Bonnie that it looked like it . " I 've never been on a plane before . Do you think they 'll have movies and stuff ? " " Yes , everything is perfect . Hi , I 'm Susie Douglas . My husband and I own the Douglas Ranch . I think there 's been a mistake . " Mercedes felt her heart break , and she told her that she understood . " Now don 't be getting your panties in a twist . I didn 't mean to say that you 're not going to come out , but I think we forgot to tell you that we 've already hired you . Palmer said you were the best and , to be honest with you , we sure could use the help . While most of the horses aren 't sick , some of them are breeding and it 's been a little hard on us getting to them in time . " " How many horses are we talking ? " Silence on the other end made her think that there was more than the dozen or so she 'd thought were there . " Mrs . Douglas ? How many do you need me to come and see to ? " " See to ? Not that many , a couple of hundred I guess . Not that many are breeding , but we need to get them a clean bill of health so they can be sold , and that 's been hard on Jimmy , the local vet , to do . He isn 't all that nice to the ponies either , so that doesn 't help . But there are quite a few of them that are sold , and we need someone to come out and say they 're healthy before they leave . " Mercedes asked her daughter to go see Milly as Mrs . Douglas talked about what they needed . " I don 't think this is going to work out . " Mrs . Douglas asked her why not . " Because I won 't sign off on a health questionnaire knowing that you 're selling less than healthy animals . I might be down on my luck , but I won 't lie to help you make money . " " Good . " Mercedes frowned at the phone and started to ask her what she meant by that when she spoke again . " I didn 't ask you to sign off on their health records , did I ? Nope . What I said was , I needed the paperwork to say they were healthy . Now to you that might sound like the same thing , but I will tell you that I can tell when a horse is sick or not a hell of a lot faster than you 'd ever be able to . And as for you being down on your luck , I understand that as well . But I have no intentions of selling off our good name for a few extra bucks . " " I 'm sorry . " The woman at the other end laughed . " I think we might have gotten off on the wrong foot here . I 'm not sure what 's going to happen there , but if you 've changed your mind then I can - " " You 're coming . Now , if you want . As far as I 'm concerned you 're hired , and we 'll put you to work tomorrow if you want to get on that plane tonight and get here . We 're about done in here . And with the number of horses we have , you might want to quit anyway . " Mercedes asked her again how many she had . " At any given time there are as many as four thousand horses here . Double that in cattle , and we 're bringing in a few extra animals to help out with the children as well . " Ten thousand animals ? What the hell were they running out there ? A breeding ranch ? But Mercedes remembered that Palmer had told her that they were running a racehorse ranch , where men who had more money than brains came to buy stock . " I have a daughter , you know that , right ? She 's all I have in the world and I have to see to her needs first and foremost . We don 't know anything about the area or schools . I have no transportation either . Then there is housing and where we can live . Are there doctors in the area that are trustworthy ? " Mercedes was making herself notes . A big dollar sign made her pause enough to ask about her salary . " I have to make enough money to get us settled . We have bills and we 've been trying to pay them off . " " Hang on a second . " When she was put on hold again , she thought that the woman was going to tell her that she 'd have to make due . But Mercedes had already determined that she needed to make more than she was here or there was no point in leaving to move them across the states . " Okay . My husband and I are coming to you . Tonight . I know that you have to work until around five and that you 're probably getting ready to pack and shit , but we 'll come out there and talk to you . Bring the contract you can have looked over too . " " I don 't have an attorney , Mrs . Douglas . And I can 't afford to find one to look over this contract . I 'm trusting you won 't screw me over , because Palmer said I can trust you . " " We 'll be there around four - thirty . Someone is making us reservations at the hotel and we 'll have dinner . Palmer said he 'd come , too , just to break the ice . " Mercedes told her fine , but she wasn 't making any promises . " No worries . And my name is Susie . Mrs . Douglas is too formal . We 'll see you in a bit . " After putting down the phone , she sat there for a few minutes . The woman was like a tornado , and Mercedes wondered what it would be like working for her . More than likely she 'd be swept up in whatever she had going on . If she worked for her , Mercedes thought there would never be a dull moment . Susie hated to fly . And even more she hated to meet with new people . But this woman , for all her problems , was going to come and work for them . Susie had no idea why it was so important to her , but she needed Mercedes there on the ranch to help out . Looking over at the family that had come with her , Susie wondered if this had been a bad idea . She decided this was the best way to scare the poor woman to death if she wasn 't already afraid of them . " You should see her little girl . That Bonnie is a sweetheart . And something of a gifted child . That 's another reason that she 's so far behind on things . Putting Bonnie in that private school is costing her big time . " Susie only nodded at Palmer . There was more to it than that , but she was going to wait for Mercedes to tell them . Gerard had had someone look into the woman before she 'd agreed to hire her . " She doesn 't like the shortened form of her name , by the way . I 'm not sure what that would be , but she won 't answer to anything but Mercedes . I think her ex called her anything but her first name and made it sound like a curse rather than an endearment . " " He 's not going to be happy with this . I have a feeling that he 's sort of possessive of his ex - wife and tries to rule her regardless of the papers that say he can 't . " Gerard leaned back in the seat they were in as he continued . " The man has to be loving that Mercedes is getting him out of debt . And the fact that he can go by her place once in a while to let her know what a disappointment she was to him . The man is going to have to learn to live without his punching bag sooner or later . " " He 's going to be no problem as far as we 're concerned . And if he makes a nuisance of himself , we 'll take care of him . " Mason nodded as he handed them a file . " There are some things on our new vet that I want to make you all aware of . First and foremost , she 's good . Damned good , as a matter of fact . Top of her class in college . No problems from any of her clients . And the firm that she works for thinks a great deal of her . But that could be because they run her into the ground for little to no extra help in the financial department . She wants to be partner and they know it , so they fuck her when they can . " Susie glanced at Gerard and when he nodded , Susie spoke quietly . " I want to also make you aware of the things going on in her personal life . Her ex - husband is hurting them more than just with him coming by her place and knocking her around a little . He 's somehow gotten access to both her place she 's staying and her bank accounts . I think that he has someone watching her for him when she 's at home . And more and more lately , he dips into her money when he finds that she has more than he thinks she should . He has buddies at the bank . Also , he 's hiding funding from her . He gave up all rights to his daughter , but he 's not paying child support to her because he claims he has no money . " Palmer asked her how she knew this . " I 've seen her . Once . I traveled out there to have a little talk with her to try and feel her out , and I never got past the first touch of her . Her problems aren 't going to go away soon . " They were aware of what she and Gerard could do . Not all of it but a great deal . Some of it was just too fucking scary to share . Like the fact that they could touch a person and then know the people that they 'd had contact with , the ex - husband being one of people that Mercedes had been touched by that day . The man was going to be an issue whether she moved out where they were or not . " Do you think he 's going to be a problem then ? " Susie nodded , and Mason leaned back on the seat again . " A police problem or a leap problem ? " " Both , " Gerard told them as he continued with the information they 'd gotten from her . " He 's not going to be happy when he finds out that she 's moving . He likes her under his thumb . And he does have her there . Mercedes is afraid that he 'll take her daughter from her and that he 'll hurt her . Not legally , but simply to take her because he knows that it 'll hurt Mercedes . He doesn 't want her either , but he likes having control over Mercedes . The only reason she was able to file for divorce was because he was in jail just long enough for her to get a judge to grant her one , and when he got out , he was fucking pissed . " " And the money that she owes , is it because of the divorce or something more ? " Palmer didn 't look like he needed anyone to answer him , and when he spoke again , she was sort of proud of him . " He tried to ruin her . Or has he ? " " Close to it . She lost her house , her car , and can 't get a loan . When she told me that she couldn 't afford an attorney to go over the contract we 're taking her , she wasn 't kidding . They have nothing . Less than nothing . Next month the school that her daughter goes to is going to tell her that they can no longer carry her . She knows this , but can 't stand the thought of losing it for her little girl . It 's not only a good school , but a safe place for her too . " " We 'll bring her back with us . " Susie nodded at Palmer . " If I have to pack her up myself , I 'm bringing her back with me . " " We all will . But I think we 're going to have to go at this slowly . Think of her like a skittish horse or cow . She 's terrified to trust anyone anymore , and when this ex finds out she 's flown the coop , he 's not going to lay back and just let her go . " Mason asked her what she meant . " He 's a man used to getting his own way . He 's Nash Crosby . " Palmer didn 't have any idea who that was , but Susie knew that Mason did . And so did Ed . Ed Clarke was the one that had told her and Gerard about him when she 'd asked him about the divorce papers that she 'd had sent to her . Crosby wasn 't just bad news , but he made her own father look sort of saintly . " Nash is … how should I say this ? He is a man who is used to getting his own way , but it 's more than that . He 's a thug . And the worst kind of one . When he was younger , there was speculation that he might have been involved in the car accident that took both his parents ' lives and that of his sister . Six months after they were gone , his grandmother died in a house fire . " Ed looked at his notes as he mopped his brow with his handkerchief . " Then about eleven years ago , he married Mercedes Gillespie . Her family had some money , but not a great deal . Mercedes was in her last year of veterinary college and making a name for herself even then . By all accounts , Mercedes didn 't care for the man , had on several occasions gone to the police about him . Then one day there was an article in the paper that they were to be wed . Six months later , Bonnie was born . " " You think he raped her , got her with child , and then forced her into marrying him ? That might have worked some years ago , but not now . " Mason looked at Palmer when he laughed nervously . " Please tell me that I 'm wrong about this . " " You 're not . And she might not have married him had her father not been ill at the time . His death happened a few months after they said their vows . We think he might have been hurting her father , and that might be the reason that he got her to say yes . I guess we won 't know for sure until she tells us . " Susie didn 't even look at them as Mason continued . She knew , but it wasn 't her story to tell . " So we 're here to bring her to safety , not hire her . " Mason told Palmer that they were going to hire her , had already as far as he was concerned . " Then I don 't understand . Why all this cloak and dagger stuff ? I really like this woman , but why do we need to know about her personal life like this ? " " She 's going to be living on one of the ranches and we don 't want anyone hurt . We have to consider what sort of baggage she 'll be bringing with her in the form of that ex of hers . " Gerard continued as Palmer agreed with him . " And if she 's not happy , the horses and the cattle will know it . We can 't have her stressed out when the horses have enough of that on their own . " As they were landing , she sat next to Gerard again . Susie had only touched the woman once , but it was enough to bring her to tears over what she was going through . Not only was the woman in desperate need of a break , but she was on the verge of losing even her home if her ex had anything to do with it . Nash was going to be a problem for them all . The hotel was nice , and she wished that Darin had been able to come with them . He 'd been hitting all the B & B 's around the country to find out what he wanted in theirs . The construction was nearly finished on the building , and the decorators had already finished up on three of the floors . In about a month , less she thought , they 'd have all the rooms ready and Darin would have Douglas House up and running . The restaurant , too , was nearly complete , and the new chef had been thrilled to death to take over the lower level for his own . Susie was still trying to keep herself from freaking out every time a bill came in , and finally , Gerard had told her not to open them anymore . It was expensive to start from scratch , and he assured her that they would be fine . The business was going much better than they 'd ever hoped it would , too . They were selling horses almost faster than she could train them . Several ranches had made the trip to their ranch to not only buy , but to place an order for other horses as well . Their monthly income was by far more than most people made in a lifetime . They had expenses too ; huge straw and hay bills , vet bills in the five figures weekly . Grain and feed was being delivered daily , and they still had to supplement that with an extra truck once in a while . But she was doing something that she loved , and they were doing well with it . As soon as they were settled in their room , she called Darin to let him know about the room , even sent him a few pictures . Calling the doctor to ask her where they could meet , Susie was surprised when the little girl answered the phone . After telling her who she was and why she was calling , Bonnie started to cry harder . The noise in the background had her reaching for the others as the little girl sobbed in the phone . " My daddy is here now , and he said that we weren 't going anywhere . I don 't know how he figured it out , but he 's really mad at us . " Bonnie cried harder when something sounded like it broke behind her . " Can you please come here and get us ? Hurry , please ? I don 't want him here . " " They 're coming . Where are you ? Can you see them ? " She told her that her mommy had told her to hide . " Good girl . You stay on the phone with me , and my family will take care that he goes home . Then you 're going to come here with us and we 're going to go to my house . We have a lot of ponies , and they 're excited about you coming out . " Susie thought it important to keep the child on the line . She was afraid , and so was Susie . When another crash sounded very close to the phone , Susie brought up the trip again . " Mommy said that we 're going to fly away if we can . " Susie told her that would be wonderful . " And that I can see the cows and horses that she 's gonna take care of . If you hire her . " " She 's already hired . " There was a scream and then a man yelling for the little girl . " Don 't go to him , Bonnie . Your mommy won 't like it if he takes you from her . " Bonnie screamed , and the line went dead . Before she could reach for Gerard and the others , Gerard said they were there , and for her to call the police . She picked up the phone again with shaking hands and dialed the number . They said that they were on their way and that someone had already called them . " There 's a little girl in the house . She 's ten and terrified . I think someone is trying to hurt her . " The dispatcher told her that they were on the way , and would be there soon . " I hope so . " Susie was just going to go to them when she heard from Mason . He used the phone to contact her , and that terrified her more than she could have thought . When he spoke , his voice was calm and even , but she knew that he was beyond pissed off . " I 'd like for you to meet us at the hospital . The bastard has … we 're still trying to find the little girl , but the woman is beaten to shit . " Susie said she was leaving now . " Have our things packed up by the staff , and everything taken to the airport . We 're not hanging around to see if he comes back to finish the job . " " How bad is she ? " Mason said that the medics were there now , but she was talking to them . " She 's gonna be worried about the bill . Tell her that she 's insured as of three days ago when we hired her . And have the bills sent to our house . " " I 'll take care of it . " She thanked Mason and asked to speak to Gerard . " He 's talking with the police , honey . As soon as he 's done … he 's fine , but he got hurt too . " She felt her legs shake , then she had to sit down . As she slid to the floor , she felt his touch , Gerard 's touch , and his love as it surrounded her . Susie knew that Mason was still speaking to her , but the only person she cared about right now was the one in her heart and head . I 'm fine . It 's a good thing that he hit me . She asked him how . Because he assaulted me , and even if our vet doesn 't press charges , I 'm going to . This way he 'll be in jail still by the time we land at home . So you 're telling me you took one for the team ? He didn 't say anything . How badly are you hurt ? And so you know , I 'm going to do ten times worse when I see you . Only a black eye and maybe a broken nose . She growled low at him . If you want , I 'll let you beat me a little before I take you hard on the floor . After , of course , I eat you . I love you as well . When we 're done here . Meet us at the plane . We 're out of here . She felt his anger . Sharp enough that she could almost taste it . We have her . She came out when her mom told her to . The little girl has been hurt too . I 'm going to kill this bastard . |
Once when I was in the eighth grade , my mother showed up at the school and told the principal there was a family emergency and she had to pull me out of class for the day . I didn 't have any family except her , but I kept my mouth shut . I walked out with her and climbed in the car and waited to see what she 'd do . Mostly she didn 't do crazy things . She was old when I was born . She worked at the pharmacy and didn 't have any hobbies or anything . She threw another sidelong glance at me , this time with an eyebrow raised . That nearly broke me up , but instead I turned away and looked out the window as the town rolled past , pretending not to be too curious . She took us past the Shop ' n Save and the two thrift stores and the pharmacy where she worked , what she called the Business District . That always made her laugh even though I couldn 't see the joke in it . After that we turned onto Edgewater , which ran past the Starlight . The Starlight had been closed as long as I could ever remember but I always checked the marquee anyway , just to see . It looked the same : I never knew if that three was supposed to be there or if they 'd lost one of the Es , same way they lost some of the other letters in Kingdom of the Spiders . Either way I figured it 'd probably been a damn good double feature . I wished I 'd seen it . Edgewater ended at the riverbank , and that 's where we got out . I followed her through the trees , struggling to keep up with her , until we came to a picnic area by the water . There was a stone overlook with a clear view of the river , and that 's where she finally stopped . She straightened her dress and looked out toward the West Virginia side of the Ohio River . I looked too , but the only thing to see was an old factory that had gone to seed . Ivy grew up and down brick walls already darkened with graffiti , and all the upper windows were broken . You could see tree limbs snaking over the edge of the roof . She looked down at her watch . " Ought to be soon , " she said . " Paper said it 'd be one o ' clock . " She was shifting her weight from one foot to the other , the way she did sometimes when she was nervous . But she was smiling , too . I thought of asking her again if she 'd lost her mind , but I didn 't . We waited . I didn 't know what we were supposed to be looking at . But after a couple minutes there was a sound like a dozen firecrackers going off across the river . Then the bottom floor of the factory crumpled in on itself like its legs were cut out from underneath . All five stories of the factory came crashing down . You could hear it from the other side of the river , a great whoosh of sound that hit you like a blast of wind whipping across the water . A dust cloud bloomed where the factory had been , rising up and spreading over the water , blocking the sun . I was holding my breath . Next to me I heard a sound like I 'd never heard come from my mother before , a great whooping war cry . I turned to see her spinning around with her arms flung in the air , blue dress whipping in the afternoon light , hopping from foot to foot and hooting like she 'd just cast a spell to bring down the sky itself . Gray dust fell all around us . She grabbed my hands and laughed and made me dance with her , and so I danced and I hooted along with her , yelling at the sky like a madman . She smiled at me , and I thought she looked a lot younger then . And I thought how nice it 'd be if the two of us could stay like this . Not on the riverbank with the sky falling around us , but just the way it felt right then . Or maybe I didn 't think that , not at that moment . Maybe it was only looking back when it seemed that way to me . Because it was only a couple weeks later that Dutch showed up . He was leaning against a post on the front porch when I got home from school . I recognized him from the pictures even though he was older now and he was losing his hair . He was thin and had a tan , leathery face , and he smiled too much just like in the few pictures I 'd ever seen of him . He was chewing a toothpick as I walked up . He shifted the toothpick from one side of his mouth to the other . " No harm if you don 't . You know who I am , though ? " His face clouded a bit , but then he smiled again . " Dutch 'll do fine . So you 're thirteen now . That 's something . " I was thirteen still . But I wanted to throw him off . I was off balance and I guess I wanted him to be , too . " Where 's my mother ? " " Fixing some dinner , " he said . " That 'll be nice , won 't it ? Give us a chance to get comfortable with each other . " " Just got here from Jacksonville , " he said . " Long trip , your mom knew I 'd be hungry . Jacksonville 's some kind of town . You want to hear about Jacksonville ? " I went inside . There was a suitcase in the hallway , that was the first thing I saw . In the kitchen my mother had three skillets going on the range , cooking red potatoes and broccoli and something that might 've been chicken in a brown goop . She 'd put some make - up on and was wearing a necklace I 'd never seen her wear before , and she smelled like perfume . I didn 't think she even owned perfume . " Dutch , " I said . " His name 's Dutch . " I was furious at her then , but I didn 't really know why . I was as furious as I would 've been if I 'd come inside and found her setting the house on fire . " I didn 't mean to say that , I wasn 't thinking . I 'm flustered , " she said . " He just showed up , is all . Called an hour ago and said he was at the train station , asked if he could come by and see us . Can you believe that ? " " We 'll give it a try , " she said . " How about we give it a try . Be nice to him , Bo . He 's had a hard life too . " Dinner was rotten . Not the food , just the company . I didn 't say much . When Dutch asked me a question I thought long and hard about whether it was worth answering , and then if I did answer , I tried to be as unhelpful as possible . Mostly the two of them looked at each other across the table and made googly eyes at each other , and Dutch told stories . He talked about trying his hand at farming in Colorado . He talked about a stint with the Merchant Marines when he foiled a mutiny . He talked about driving a rig in Florida and training elephants for a traveling carnival in Louisiana . He talked about being one of those painted statues on the wharf in San Francisco and witnessing two different murders because he was so good at being a statue . Everything was pretty interesting and most of it sounded like a lie . After dinner I helped bring the dishes in . " None of that 's true , " I said to my mother . " Jesus Christ please tell me you know that . " " Course I know that and watch your mouth , " she said . " He sure is entertaining though , isn 't he ? " Then she started humming some old song , and I knew it was hopeless . You can 't talk sense to anybody when they 're humming some damn old song . I went into the living room where Dutch was settling onto the couch with a cigar . There was a brand new glass ashtray on the table . I looked at that glass ashtray and I hated it . I knew that my mother ran out to the store to buy that damn ashtray soon as she found out Dutch was coming . I thought about saying something then . I thought about saying we were doing just fine without his leathery face . Instead I picked up the ashtray , holding it up for Dutch to see . He didn 't react . I flung it toward the living room window . Only I never could throw worth a damn , so it struck the wall beside the window instead . And it wasn 't even glass , just that kind of plastic that looks like glass , so all it did was scuff the wall and land on the floor in a pile of ashes , which made me even angrier . I threw the lamp at the window . This time , my aim was true . It cracked the window and made a nice satisfying sound when it smashed against the floor . My mother screamed and Dutch jumped to his feet , but he didn 't move toward me . Instead he held out his hands and said , " Everything 's still good , Nora . It 's all good . Boy 's acting up . Nothing but a temper tantrum here . A lot to process for the boy , is all . " " It 's too much , " my mother said . " I need to sit down . " That was the first time I 'd ever heard her say that , that something was too much . Maybe she 'd thought it before . But I hadn 't ever heard her say it . That sickened me , to hear him say my name . I turned my back on them both . I went into the kitchen and took a couple or seven plates out of the cupboard , and stacked a few mismatched soup bowls on top . It was hard to carry but I walked the stack back into the living room . I was going to take my time and throw them one by one . I thought that 'd be the right way to do it , for maximum devastation . But I hated Dutch saying that and shaking his head like that . So I tossed the whole stack all at once . It was pretty heavy and I couldn 't get a lot of air underneath , but it didn 't matter . They made a sound like a bomb going off in a china factory as they hit the wood floor . Dutch yanked my arm and dragged me off to the bedroom while my mother screamed louder than ever . He threw me down on the bed . He got in a few good licks on my ass , and some of them hurt some , but I didn 't make a sound . Eventually he stopped . I couldn 't see him because I had my face down in the pillow . But I could hear him breathing hard . " You 're a tough bastard , " he said . " You got some of your old man in you after all . " I must 've made some sound then , because he said , " You don 't want to hear it , I get that . I respect that . " And he put his hand on my shoulder . I had a thought about shrugging his hand off . But I felt too ornery to do even that . I didn 't want to give him the satisfaction . I expected there to be some repercussions the next day . But they were too preoccupied with each other to yell at me . Dutch picked up a new set of plates and bowls at the thrift shop , and he had the window fixed before I even came home . He took up residency after that , I guess . It was mid - June and school was letting out . I tried to be out of the house early so I wouldn 't see him much . I 'd pack a thermos and some sandwiches and set off on my bike to the creek . Later in the day there 'd be a few kids there , around the old wooden trestle bridge , fishing or horsing around . But early in the morning it was quiet and real pretty there . I 'd sit by the creek and think on things . Or I 'd ride across town to the Starlight and sit in the overgrown parking lot and run through Kingdom of the Spiders in my head , the way I figured the movie played out . Later I 'd ride out to the ball field behind the school and meet up with whoever had a game going on . Then I 'd ride some more . Eventually I 'd make it home , tired and sore from riding and using that as an excuse not to be sociable . Dutch said he had a friend who was a construction foreman . He wanted Dutch to be a co - foreman on a new apartment building going up in Elkton , only they weren 't breaking ground till sometime in August . I had my doubts that a co - foreman was a thing . But Dutch kept busy . He fixed the shower curtain , and he painted the baseboard trim , and he patched up the drywall in the hallway where the front door had banged into it for years . He re - grouted the bathroom even though the grout seemed fine to me . I thought the drywall was a little lumpy and the painting was sloppy , but I guessed he was trying . He didn 't talk about it . I 'd just notice the things he 'd done and that 's how I knew how he was spending his days . One night I came home and found Dutch alone on the porch with a glass of whiskey . He and my mother had a routine where they 'd sit out on the porch with cocktails and listen to jazz music on my mother 's battery - powered radio . He said he 'd spent a year living in New Orleans with a roommate who was a jazz trumpeter - this was after he left that traveling carnival - and he wanted to share what he called his love of the art form with my mother . Tonight it was just Dutch , though . The sun had gone down but there was some redness left in the sky . I asked him where my mother was , and he said she was laying down . " Few too many mint juleps , " he said , and winked at me . He was listening to a country station on the radio . I asked him what happened to the jazz , and he waved the glass in front of him . " Needed a break , " he said . " Sometimes you need a break , is all . " I wanted to say no , but I thought he 'd expect me to say no . So I took a sip . It was foul , and burned going down , but I made myself take another . The second sip was worse . He took the glass back and laughed . He had an easy laugh . " You 're okay . You 'll be okay . You just need - you know what you need ? " He sat back and looked out over the streets , which were growing summer dark . " This place , " he said . " It 's kind of special , isn 't it ? " I didn 't answer him . I thought it was special in some ways . I liked the way the train tracks outside of town were all overgrown like they were from some ancient civilization , and I liked the look of the trestle bridge down by the creek even though it got condemned a while back . I liked the abandoned drive - in theater and how you could imagine , when you were there , that there 'd really been an apocalypse and there were giant spiders just beyond the trees , marching on River Oaks to take back their kingdom . But Dutch wouldn 't know anything about those things . I shrugged . I didn 't know what that meant . It sounded like a thing you said when you didn 't ever look too hard at yourself . He leaned back in the chair . In the dusk I couldn 't see his face too well . " This is a fine enough place , " he said . " Only when you 're young like I was , maybe fine doesn 't seem so attractive . Got to get some living under your belt is the thing . Then maybe you reassess . Then maybe you get a little worn down at the edges , and ' fine ' starts to look good . " He laughed again . " Maybe ' fine ' starts to look damn good . " I had a weird idea then . I had an idea that he wanted something from me but I didn 't know what it was . It wasn 't love . I don 't know that he ever thought of me as his boy or would 've felt much for me even if he had . But there was something he wanted right at that moment on the porch . Maybe if I knew , I would 've given it to him . He didn 't say anything more for a bit . I thought maybe he decided not to tell me his Monterey story after all . Either way was fine with me . Then he did speak again , only his voice was different , quieter . He talked like somebody telling a story , some particular story , for the very first time . " Monterey is the edge of the world , " he said . " That 's what I read once , in a magazine . It was some kind of travel magazine and there was an ad for Monterey and it said , ' Come to Monterey , at the edge of the western world . ' With a photograph of these pretty cliffs leading down to an ocean that was , Jesus , bluer than anything you ever saw . Bluer than the idea of blue . " He whistled softly . " ' The edge of the western world . ' I read that and I thought , ' There 's a place to go someday , Dutch . Even if you don 't have a dime when you get there , Dutch , that 's a place where you 'll never feel anything but rich . ' " He said , " Mostly you 'll find that places don 't measure up to your expectations . Mostly that 's the truth . But Monterey measured up . " " You can stand there by the cliffs in Monterey and feel the whole continent behind you , " he said . " The water 's blue , that 's for sure . But there 's something grand and dark about the world stretching out behind you like that . " He paused and seemed to think about what he 'd said . Then he said , like he was clarifying : " There 's something momentous about that . Like you 're close to something . You don 't even know what it is , only that you 're close to it . And that 's an exciting place to be . " I hadn 't ever seen the ocean except on television shows and in movies . But I closed my eyes and tried to picture it like the way Dutch was telling it . I pictured it with the sky like it was now , the color drained out of it , so I couldn 't even see the water . I could just hear the waves dying on the rocks below . " I had more than a dime when I got there , " Dutch was saying , " but not a whole lot more . I ran a few scams to make some money . Nothing too far out there . Just enough to get me going , get me a place to stay . Mostly I was running pretty straight . I liked it there and I didn 't want to cause any problems for myself , or for anyone else either . Eventually I took a job at a shoe store by Cannery Row - that sounds like it 'd be a low - class sort of place , but the canneries all closed way back . It 's an upscale part of town . And this store was upscale too . Respectable . " Again he was quiet for a few seconds . I shifted my position against the porch post and waited . " There was this woman , " he said . " Anamarie . Came over from Spain , from Madrid , a few years before , but she spoke English better than I ever did . She owned a vineyard . Owned a couple vineyards . She had long legs and a cool , dark face , and I thought she was a model when she first came into the shop . I 'd been in town about three months by then . I sold her a pair of three hundred dollar shoes and didn 't stop talking for one second while she was there . I wanted to keep her there as long as I could , I guess . Finally I asked her if she wanted to get dinner , and she said yes . I don 't know why she did . I never knew why . " He turned his head to look up at me even though he couldn 't see my face now any more than I could see his . " You know that saying , that somebody 's above your station ? You ever heard that saying ? " " We ran together for a little while , " he said . " We drove down to Big Sur on the weekends . She showed me the vineyards and taught me a few things . We drank a lot of wine together . But she was above my station and I knew it . I couldn 't ever quite - I couldn 't wrap my head around it . What I was doing with her . She liked the way I talked . I 'd sing to her sometimes , too . I 'd sing old things , like I 'd sing ' In a Sentimental Mood ' by the Duke . Or Hoagy Carmichael , ' The Nearness of You . ' My mother used to sing Hoagy Carmichael all the time . I couldn 't really sing but it must have sounded nice enough . Anamarie didn 't grow up in this country so she didn 't know how the songs were supposed to go anyway . Anyhow , we 'd sit out on her balcony on a night like this , but we 'd have the Pacific right there . " He gestured toward the road , which was dark enough by now that if you squinted right it could 've been the ocean . " She looked - I thought she looked as much like a part of that landscape as the ocean , or those rocky cliffs . She belonged to it . Even though she grew up on the other side of the world , she belonged to it . She 'd pour herself a glass of champagne - she drank champagne the way I drank everything else - and she 'd say , ' Sing me a song , Dutch . ' Or she 'd say , ' Tell me another story , Dutch . ' I knew it wasn 't anything permanent . I knew I 'd run out of stories to tell sooner or later . But I kept her entertained for a while . For a good while . " He thought about it . " I didn 't measure up , " he said . " If I 'm looking at it square , then I 'd say I didn 't measure up . " He finished the last of his whiskey and set the glass down beside the chair . " River oaks , " he said . " They don 't even have river oaks in Ohio . We 're a thousand miles from anywhere that 's got ' em . I looked it up once . " He let go of my arm . " It 's just a name , is all it is . Just something to make the place sound like something else than what it is . They 're just swamp trees anyway . " For the rest of the summer , things were mostly okay . Dutch talked a lot . He kept trying to ask me questions even though I didn 't give him much reason to keep trying . I knew he was going to run off again at some point , because that 's what he did . I watched my mother to see how she was taking it all . Some days she seemed happy enough to me . Other times I thought I wasn 't seeing her right at all . I 'd catch her standing in the kitchen with her hands on the countertops , just looking out the window with a hard look on her face . I thought that couldn 't be a good thing , to have that kind of look when you were just standing and looking out a window . That couldn 't mean she was pleased with Dutch coming home and living with us after so many years of it just being her and me . Then an hour later she 'd be on the sofa with her feet up in Dutch 's lap , and they 'd be watching television and talking as if they were an old married couple again , instead of whatever they were . Or I 'd watch Dutch make her mint julep and carry it out the porch , where they 'd sit until the sun went down . And there were nights when all three of us were out there . She 'd tell Dutch to play that jazz for her again , because she thought she was getting the hang of it . And somebody walking by might 've thought there wasn 't anything out of the ordinary going on , that it was just a thirteen - year - old boy hanging out with his mom and dad . Sometimes I 'd think about it like that myself . I 'd picture it the way a stranger would picture it . And I 'd be tempted by that picture even though I knew it wasn 't a true one . Now and then that summer , when it was late and I 'd gone to bed , I thought back on that day by the river , and I remembered the way she danced . Not even a dance , but like she was casting some damn spell . And I 'd think maybe that 's what it really was , and somehow she 'd brought Dutch back . In the morning I 'd forget about thinking these things . But some of it must have stayed with me into the daylight hours , because I 'd catch myself looking at her . Letting that idea settle in . Judging her , I guess . For letting Dutch stay , and for bringing him back to us in the first place . He was wearing just some wrinkled khakis and a t - shirt that he 'd already sweated through pretty well . The suitcase was open on the sofa . I looked inside and saw that he didn 't have much in it other than his clothes . A coffee mug , a Louis L ' Amour book , a couple bottles of booze . He was in the kitchen pulling a souvenir highball glass down from one of the shelves when I walked in . He looked at me then , and I could see he hadn 't slept . His face looked older and more leathery than usual , and his eyes were glassy . He hadn 't combed his hair . He laughed . " I deserve that too , " he said . " That look . " It was the same easy laugh . It wasn 't a happy laugh , either . I wondered if it wasn 't ever a happy laugh , and if I 'd just never paid any attention to it other than seeing how easy it came to him . I didn 't say anything more . What could I have said that wouldn 't have sounded hollow ? He knew I didn 't want him around . Better not to say anything , I figured . I just stood nearby and watched him gather up the last of this things . " Where will you go , " I said . Because suddenly I did want to know . I wasn 't ever planning to visit . I just sort of wanted to know where he 'd be in the world . The taxi driver opened the trunk and Dutch tossed his suitcase inside . He stopped by the open passenger door and gave me a long look that I couldn 't read at all . Finally he said , " You 're a tough bastard , all right . " That 's all he said . Then he slid down into the cab and tapped the roof , and the car drove off . It was ten in the morning before my mother came down . She didn 't seem tired or beaten down . She had a hard look on her face that I hadn 't seen before . The day was a quiet one . I asked her if she wanted to talk about anything and she said she didn 't . I hung around the house anyway . I thought maybe she 'd be down even though she was the one who 'd kicked Dutch out , but she wasn 't . She wasn 't herself , I could see that , but she wasn 't down . I figured she was resolved . I figured that was the word for her . And that had to be a good thing . " We could sit on the porch , " I said , when we were done . " There 's a game on . We could sit on the porch and listen to the game , if you want . " She gave me a weary look that lasted only a second or two . Then she got that look of resolution back on her face . Like it was something she maybe didn 't want to do but she was willing to go along . She said , " Listening to the game sounds good , Bo . " We went and sat outside . There was a breeze and the streetlamps were just coming on as the daylight bled away . The game was already in the third inning so we listened and caught up on what was happening . I looked at her now and then and thought she didn 't look great . Her face was sort of pinched , and I thought she was clenching her jaw . I wished I had something to say . I went inside for a Coke . When I opened the fridge door , my eye fell on a little plastic bag of mint leaves . I stood there with the door open , thinking . It seemed like maybe it could be a good thing , but I didn 't know . I took the leaves out , washed them and laid them out to dry on the counter . There wasn 't much bourbon left but I figured there 'd be enough . I pulled down a highball glass and put some sugar and water in it , then set about muddling the mint the way I 'd seen Dutch do it . Taking my time , trying to get it right . After I added the bourbon and ice , I stirred it up and threw in a couple of extra mint leaves . It looked like a mess , but I thought I 'd done it right . She turned to see me come back out on the porch , and she spotted the glass before I could say anything . She drew in a sharp breath and looked up at my face . I didn 't know what she 'd do , then . I thought she might yell or knock the glass out of my hand . Instead she smiled . It was a smile I hadn 't ever seen before and I didn 't know what to make of it . Maybe it was just the time of day and I couldn 't see her eyes so well . But it seemed to me like she was looking right through to the other side of me . Like she was smiling at something she could see on that other side , but I 'd never be able to see . We listened to the game without saying anything more for a while . I was feeling better about things . I felt like the summer was only just starting , even though that wasn 't true . " I like it here , " I said . I meant I liked it here on the porch . I liked having the radio on with the game , and watching the night slip over everything , and things feeling still and settled at the same time . She didn 't say anything for a time . When she did speak , there was an edge to her voice that made me look over at her . She was holding the mint julep but she hadn 't taken another sip since that first one . She was holding it in both hands , the way a baby might hold a cup . I shook my head even though she wasn 't looking at me . She was looking out at nothing . Or maybe at whatever she 'd been looking at before , when she smiled at me . " I think , " she said , " there are places you go to , and there are places you go past on your way somewhere else . And River Oaks is one of those other places , Bo . You speed by and maybe you wonder what kind of lives those people have , the people who live there . Maybe you wonder . But mostly you thank god you 're still driving . " She looked at me then , and I was glad I couldn 't see her too well . " Only there are people living in those places who can 't keep on driving . And when you figure out it 's you - that you 're one of those people , Bo , living someplace where other people are just happy to speed past - well , Bo , that 's a bitter thing . That 's a bitter thing to come to know . " She didn 't say anything more . The game kept going on the radio . I was afraid to say anything more , so I only sat thinking . A pick - up drove past , heading east out of town , its headlights sweeping across the porch . I thought about that day on the riverbank . And I wondered if I 'd been wrong to blame her , for thinking she 'd cast a spell to bring Dutch back . Maybe she 'd cast a spell to keep him gone . And it just hadn 't worked . I knew there was something for me to say . It couldn 't be right , what she 'd said , that couldn 't be all of it . I knew there was something . It felt close . But maybe I only wanted to believe that . The trees shook in the night breeze . The fall was all of a sudden coming on . I put my arm around her shoulders and asked if she 'd come inside with me . Her body stiffened for a second or two , like she was still caught up in whatever it was that made her say what she 'd said . But I kept my arm around her . Finally she put her head down . She didn 't anything , just put her head down and rested it on my arm . I was okay with that . The night was coming down , and we stayed like that , on the porch , for a good long time . The NC discussions are open to anyone . It 's a friendly place , easy to join . Just sign in on the comment box with your email address and write your comment . If you stick around , people will get to know you and you 're in ( except , of course , for the usual credit and criminal record checks , birth and citizenship authentication , school transcripts starting from kindergarten , photocopies of tax records , ID , credit cards , debit cards , etc . ) . If you turn up often and seem to get the drift of the magazine , you 'll be invited to submit . Please respect the generally high level of camaraderie and amiability already in evidence . The management wishes to acknowledge the financial support of Douglas " Deep - Pockets " Glover and no one else . |
The girl sitting across from me was trying her damnedest to look anywhere but at my face . Her eyes darted around her meager little bedroom , desperate to find something to stare at while I examined her . The only sounds that punctured the heavy silence were the faint ticking of the clock in the hallway and the occasional mutter from the recreation room , and after a moment , she began to chew hard on the nail of her little finger . " Ms . Davis , " I began gently , and her blue eyes , which were much too wide and large for her slender face , flickered towards me for a moment before fixing themselves determinedly on a spot on the wall . " Whenever you feel like you 're ready , I 'd like you to answer my question . " She took in a long breath that she quickly let out in a whisper of an exhale , which rattled against her tired lungs . " Yes , Dr . Brian , " she finally replied . Her voice was monotonous and soft . " I 've been eating what the nurses tell me to . " I smiled , and she watched me with a guarded expression . " That 's good , Christine . " I paused . " Do you mind if I call you Christine ? " She shrugged , and through the material of her black t - shirt , I could see the bones in her shoulders jut out as she moved . Her collarbones were like a pair of knives protruding from the base of her neck , and her limbs were as thin and delicate as a newborn fawn 's . But , thankfully , she was still a little more filled out than the hysterical , bleeding , emaciated Christine we had admitted into our facility two weeks ago , whose spine had bulged against the pale skin of her back like a row of marbles . " You look like you 're progressing , " I added , adjusting my glasses and jotting down a few notes . She looked gloomily down at the floor . " I can respect that . However , Ms . Davis , ' fat ' is not a word we use around here . You are unhealthy , and you 're here to become healthy . Health isn 't necessarily attached to a number ; it 's only dependent on your body functioning normally and your ability to accept yourself , inside and out . And right now , your body is well on its way to recovery . You seem much more energetic , and nurse Jones tells me that your last checkup showed significant improvement . " She looked back up at me , and for a moment , I thought I saw her eyes well up with tears . " But what if I can 't stop eating ? " she whispered , blinking quickly until the tears had retreated . " What if - - " She raised her hands to cover her mouth and closed her eyes tightly , taking in deep , shuddering breaths through her fingers to calm herself . " I can 't think about it , " she said softly , her voice muffled from behind her hands . " I know . You don 't need to worry - - you have all the time in the world . We don 't expect you to get better overnight . We 're going to work with you for as long as you need to help you develop a healthy relationship with food and exercise . " She nodded a little , running her fingers through her short , black hair . " But that 's not actually why I 'm here today . I was hoping , " I continued , leaning forward a little , " that we could talk a little more about the night you came to us . " Her lips thinned , and she stared down at the floor . " We 've had several sessions about your disordered eating , " I urged her gently . " It 's time to talk about the elephant in the room . Your self - harm . " Her fingers unconsciously twitched down towards her thigh , and I watched as she pressed down on the fabric of her jeans , testing the pliancy of the skin underneath it . A faint wince crossed her features as the flesh yielded to her touch . It was behavior that was typical of an anorexic , checking for bulges and soft areas that she felt she needed to " improve . " " Your story , " I replied simply . " The whole story that leads up to you , here , right now . " She chewed on her lower lip for a moment , then nodded . " Take all the time you need , " I said . There was silence for a moment , but then she took a deep breath and began to speak . " I think it all started in high school . I was one of those ugly duckl - - um - - late bloomers , sorry , " she said quickly as I opened my mouth to object . I nodded , and she continued . " I don 't think anyone ever gave me the time of day until I turned sixteen . That 's when my face started to clear up and I went from a size six to a size four . " I 'm not going to lie ; when I started getting more phone calls and making more friends , I was a little depressed . I was still the same weirdo , but it felt like people were willing to look past the weirdness if I was pretty . But I let it go . It was good to have friends . Since I wanted it to stay that way , I did start to develop . . . habits . I wouldn 't go so far as to call it a disorder , but I had a pattern I would follow every week : I would only let myself eat once every two days . In some sick sort of way , I think that made me even more popular . That was a weird time . Myspace was still a thing , schools were filled with those scene assholes , and it was trendy to be skinny . A couple of my girlfriends and I would go to the football bleachers every day during our lunch break and just drink water and smoke cigarettes so we wouldn 't be tempted to eat . I don 't know . Now that I look back on it , it was pretty messed up . People are really fucked , aren 't they ? " Anyway , when I graduated , I lost contact with a lot of my friends in high school . Most of them went to college , but I didn 't have the money , so I just got a job at a grocery store and moved into an apartment with one of my coworkers a year later . His name was Derek , and he was gorgeous . And he knew it . He had this awesome life filled with beautiful people and late nights at clubs , and I loved being a part of it . He always had this way of making us feel like this young , invincible , beautiful pair of stylish socialites , even though we were only making a couple of dollars more than minimum wage and living in a pretty shitty part of the city . We both spent a ton of money on clothes . I 'm sure we almost missed rent once every other month . There were a few times where we had to turn the whole apartment upside down looking for change in all the nooks and crannies . " Derek wanted to be a fashion designer , and he would gush about how he wanted me to model his stuff . Don 't get me wrong , he was incredible with a sewing machine , but I don 't think either of us expected anything to come of it . He was always really fickle with his hobbies . We lived together for a few years , but I eventually had to move into a dorm to start school , and he went to go live with his boyfriend . We never lost touch , but I didn 't have a whole lot of time for clubbing or day drinking once I started school , so we did drift apart a little . " Christine paused , looking apprehensive . " Until this year , when he called me and said that he had scored an entry into a little fashion show , " she continued . She shifted uncomfortably and crossed her arms , folding in on herself a little . " Well , I was nervous , of course , but I said yes . Who wouldn 't , you know ? And when I showed up at his apartment for the fitting , he had all these beautiful clothes for me to try on . All of them fit really well , except for … " She took another deep , shaky breath . " . . . these fucking pants . They were made of black leather that Derek had spent a ton of money on . The way he went on about them , they were like his magnum opus . And they were amazing . But they wouldn 't . . . they wouldn 't quite fit over my thighs . " She closed her eyes . " Fuck . You should have seen his face . It wasn 't like he could just let out the seams a little - - he barely had enough leather to finish the pants . He was so disappointed . And he told me that he could find another girl to wear them , but I felt awful , so I told him that I would , you know . " Her face paled a little . " Try to lose some weight . " " That 's still very underweight for your height , " I said slowly . " They must have been impossibly small . Everyone makes mistakes . You can 't blame yourself . " " I know , but . . . I did . I had a month until the show , so I found a guy at school who was selling Vyvanse . You know , the ADHD medication . " She flushed a little and gave me a wry smile . " Sorry . Of course you know . " " I took it two or three times a week . The day I took it , I wouldn 't eat . I couldn 't if I tried , that was the beauty of it . The day after , I still wouldn 't eat . Then I would eat five hundred calories the third day , and start over after that . My grades got better , I guess . And it was working . By the second week , I weighed ninety - seven pounds , and I went to go see Derek again . " She trailed off , and I could see her lip start to quiver . " Th - they still didn 't fit . They would fit right up until the middle of my thigh , but then they 'd stop at my hips . " Derek told me it was going to be okay . He knew a girl who had the right measurements , and even though he made the pants for me , she could model them . I begged him to give me another two weeks and keep her as a backup in case I couldn 't do it . Then I went back to school and started working out every day , along with the Vyvanse and fasting . Lots of fasting . " My thighs had to be nineteen inches . My waist had to be twenty - two inches . My hips had to be thirty - two inches . Twenty - two , thirty - two , nineteen . Those were my encouragement words that I chanted while I worked out . I must have looked like a maniac . But despite all that , it felt like the guys on campus started to notice me a little more . I got more phone numbers that week than I 've gotten in my entire life . It hurt a lot , that I had to do all of this to make them give a shit about me , but it felt so good . And I was so close to my perfect numbers . . . " She broke off with a sob and covered her mouth . After a few moments , she straightened her shoulders and looked back up at me , her expression stiff , her eyes bright with tears . " But then I passed out at the gym . My mom met me at the hospital and freaked out when she saw how skinny I was . The doctors were telling her to check me into someplace like this . . . but . . . I guess I talked her out of it . " " Ms . Davis , " I interrupted softly . " We 're talking a lot about your eating disorder , but I don 't understand where - - " She silenced me with a look . It was some look . Angry and scared and a hair away from a full meltdown . I inclined my head in acceptance and let her speak . " I 'm getting to it , " she whispered . " I don 't know how I convinced my mom to let me go to the show , but she agreed to it . I just had to come straight home . But the night of the show , I . . . I took my measurements and … " A tear rolled down her cheek . " I was two inches away . Two inches away from being perfect . And I was out of time . It was my thighs , you know . Everything else was great , I guess , but everyone has that one fucking spot … " " No , you don 't . I weighed eighty - eight - point - five - two pounds . Every other part of me was skin and bone , but my god damned legs wanted to stay fat and disgusting . " She was suddenly very still . " I was trying not to lose it when I went downstairs to see mom . And she was … she was … " " She was peeling potatoes , " she giggled , her eyes wide . " For dinner , with one of those potato - peeler - things . And I thought it was so fascinating how the blade just slipped under the skin and peeled it all away , like she was sculpting marble . All of the parts that she didn 't need just went in the trash , where they belonged . It was the perfect contraption . You could just . . . watch the potatoes get smaller and smaller . " Tears were flowing down her cheeks freely now , but that wide , terrifying smile was still firmly affixed to her face . " So I grabbed a really sharp knife and my measuring tape before I went to my car - - " She laughed again . " Yeah . I bet you do , " she sighed gleefully . " I picked up some bandages from the drug store near Derek 's show , so nobody could see what I had done . And when I tried on the pants , they fit . They fit and everyone in the back was just over the moon about me , even though I could barely stand up . I actually got a few cards . People wanted to hire me . Derek was so excited ; he kept telling me that we were going to be the stars of the show . And we would have been , you know , " she continued , her eyes widening . " Everything was going so well until the model behind me slipped in something and fell , and that 's when they all saw the blood . Th - the bandages must have started leaking . . . " The smile finally disappeared from her face and she burst into loud , ugly , racking sobs . I felt my face grow pale . " Don 't touch me ! " she screamed . " Don 't you get it ? ! It 's never going to be okay ! Do you know what I had to do to myself to finally be someone ? ? ? " She collapsed onto the bed in a heap and sobbed wordlessly , hiding her face from me . " I can 't talk anymore , " she whispered shakily . " Please go away . " I removed my glasses and rubbed my eyes hard before standing , then walked slowly out of the room . I put a hand out to stop an orderly from walking passed me , and she frowned when she saw my face . " What is it ? " she said in a low voice . " Is it Christine ? " " I 'm afraid it is , " I sighed . " Please tell the nurses to examine her legs today . I believe she 's picking at her stitches again . " I waited patiently , if not a little awkwardly , as the young woman in front of me sat on her knees in front of her bed , her back to me . Her elbows were resting on the mattress , her hands were pressed together , and she looked all for the world like a little girl saying her bedtime prayers . After a moment , she dipped her head down and crossed herself , then slowly rose to her feet . As she caught my eye , her lips curved into a serene smile . " Hello , Doctor , " she said cheerfully , lowering herself onto the mattress and shifting into a cross - legged position . Her long hair dangled over one shoulder in a neat , sleek braid , and she had a pleasant sort of warmness to her disposition . " Is it time for our session ? " I smiled back before lowering myself into a chair near her bed . Usually , once it was time for our first big meeting , my patients were a bundle of nerves . Jessica Davenport , however , seemed ready to float right off the bed . I had never seen a woman look so utterly at ease only two days after being committed to our asylum . " Now 's as good a time as any , I 'm sure , " she replied , stretching languidly . " It isn 't like I have any urgent plans . " I uncapped my pen , then crossed my legs and positioned my clipboard on one knee . " What happened to me was enough to convince me that someone out there had an eye on me , " she replied smoothly . " Since I arrived here , I 've made it my mission to praise every deity I can think of in thanks . It 's the least I can do . " " Sure . God , Allah , various pagan gods and goddesses , " she said , offering me a little smile . " I 'd like to pray to the Hindu gods , but that may have to wait until I 'm out . I 'm not familiar with the mantras . " " I see . We might be able to work something out , " I replied slowly . " Now , this thing that happened to you - - are you referring to the . . . incident that led to your arrival here ? " " Alright . " She cleared her throat , then opened her eyes . Her gaze was a bit unsettling , filled with certainty and firm resolution . " It all started with Danny , of course . " " - - That I shot and killed ? Yes . It wasn 't always so bad , though . When we first started dating , he was the epitome of a perfect gentleman . He took me to these wonderful little restaurants , refused to let me open my own doors , and always had an arsenal of sweet words at his disposal . And he was good - looking , too . I was utterly mad for him . The way he looked at me , you would have guessed I was something precious that he couldn 't bear to let out of his sight . And , looking back on it , I suppose that that should have been my first warning . " It took several months for me to realize that I was unknowingly distancing myself from my friends . I don 't know how I didn 't notice it before . One morning , I just woke up and it occurred to me that I hadn 't seen or talked to them in a while , even though we had always been very close . And when I mentioned to Danny that I 'd like to see them again , he seemed . . . tense . I didn 't think much of it . But when I finally persuaded him to let me go to a girl 's night out , he bombarded me with text messages the whole night and seemed to get more and more irritated if I didn 't respond immediately . My friends were worried , but I told them that it would pass . " " I know that now , " she sighed . " But I was blind to it at the time . Of course , it only got worse . It all came to a head one night when I left a glass of red wine out on the nightstand . We were teasing one another and wrestling - - playfully - - and I knocked it right over the football jersey he had folded over his desk chair . It was his favorite . The stain wasn 't big , but there were a lot of little red drops all over it . " " Oh , I wouldn 't know , " she sighed , dismissing my question with an impatient flick of her wrist . " I don 't follow sports . But to Danny , it was like I had just ended his whole world . I apologized over and over , but he just got increasingly more furious until he grabbed the wine glass and threw it , as hard as he could , right past my face and against the wall . It shattered . A couple of inches to the left and it would have hit me . But , immediately after seeing the look on my face , he dissolved into the perfect picture of remorse . " She rolled her eyes . " I wouldn 't let him touch me , but he eventually just grabbed me and kissed me and told me how sorry he was . He was even crying . " Slowly , she turned her gaze down to the floor , the first action that had even hinted at any sort of discomfort . I watched her carefully . " It was when he pulled away to look at me that I realized Danny had . . . changed . He , ah … " She paused , and I leaned a little closer . " . . . I 'm sorry . This is the first time I 've told anyone about this . " " Yes . Th - they had turned yellow . Like an owl or something . " I tried to keep my face carefully free of any expression while she watched me , trying to gauge my reaction , and she continued once she had decided I didn 't think she was acting like a raving lunatic . " I thought it was just a trick of the light or too much wine , but when we woke up the next morning , there were those evil - looking eyes , staring right into my soul . The strangest part was , " she added , her brows knitting together worriedly , " that other than his bright yellow fucking eyes , he didn 't seem any different . It was like he hadn 't changed at all . And everyone around him acted the same , as if my boyfriend wasn 't starting to transform into some horrible thing . At first , it really messed around with my head . I thought I was losing my mind . So I hoped that I was just imagining it and that it would go away soon , and I tried my best to ignore it . " But it only got worse . A week later , one of my friends invited me out while Danny was at work . I had the day off , but I couldn 't get ahold of him to ask for permission . And yes , doctor , I 'm aware that that is also an example of possessive behavior , " she added as I moved to interrupt her . I promptly shut my mouth . " Anyway , since I couldn 't reach him , I just left him a voicemail and headed out . Which , apparently , was the wrong thing to do . When I got home , he was sitting in the living room , very quiet and very still . He wouldn 't answer me when I asked him what was wrong . I plugged in my phone while he was ignoring me - - it died while I was out - - and when I turned it on , I saw exactly twenty text messages from him and seven voicemail messages . " She paused and swallowed . " I had only been out for three hours . He finally spoke and told me that once he got my message he tried to reach me , and , upon failing to do so , had assumed that I was in trouble and left work early to look for me . He called all of my friends , too . What followed was a very loud interrogation about my actual whereabouts , and several implications that I had lied about where I was . I argued with him and told him he was being ridiculous , and he got fed up and lunged at me . " " No , " she whispered . " I almost wish he had sometimes . It would have made my life a lot easier . Instead , he stopped just an inch away from me and held my shoulder very , very tightly . And then he just stared at me for a few minutes . He was breathing hard . I think he was trying to calm himself down . " She bit her lip . " But then he opened his mouth to speak and . . . and I could see his teeth . They were different - - it was like his mouth had turned into a pit of needles . I screamed and tried to get away , and he just held me there and shouted that he wasn 't hurting me , that there was nothing to be screaming about , that I was overreacting . He said that someone was going to call the police if I kept acting up , and then I 'd have to ' explain why I was being such a crazy bitch , ' " she added grimly . " I sneaked out of the bed that night after he had passed out and slept on the couch . I couldn 't stand to sleep next to him . " The week after that , I had a late night at work . I was actually relieved when my boss asked me to stay for a few more hours ; it meant that I wouldn 't have to go home and face Danny and . . . the way he looked . I texted him to let him know , but he never responded . When I got home , he was in our room at the desk . He didn 't speak for a while , but then he told me that he had been let go . I guess they had been making cuts at his office , and when he left early to come find me , it earned him a spot on the list . It was basically his dream job , so he was understandably distraught . But then he got angry and started shouting that it was my fault for acting suspicious . He even said that I probably wasn 't even at work all night . " She paused for a few moments and rubbed her eyes , suddenly looking exhausted . " That 's when he took the gun out of his desk and held it to his head . He said that I was selfish for what I did to him , that I had ruined his life , and that I deserved to watch him die . " " Wait , " I said suddenly . " Are you telling me that Danny killed himself ? " For a brief moment , so brief that I might have imagined it , hopelessness flickered across her face . " No , " she said softly . " I was begging him to put the gun down , and then he . . . pointed it at me . He was shaking and staring at me with those horrible eyes , and he said that I deserved it more than he did . He started saying horrible things ; calling me a whore , telling me how the world would be better off without me . How nobody would even miss me . We stood like that for an eternity . " She licked her lips . " He finally put the gun down and started to apologize , but I ran . I hid in the closet and stayed there while he walked around the house shouting for me . He was in tears - - I could hear it in his voice - - but I didn 't care . It was in that moment that I realized he was going to kill me . " With a shaky breath , she folded her arms tightly in front of her chest . After a short pause , she began to speak again in a trembling voice . " It might not have been that night , or even that year . But he was going to put me in the ground . I just knew it . And then I peeked around the door of the closet , and I saw him . " " He . Wasn 't . Right , " she whispered desperately , her eyes brimming with tears . " His skin was too pale . His fingers were too long , and I swear I saw claws . And he was still carrying his gun . I . . . I grabbed one of his old baseball bats from behind the coats . . . and . . . well . . . I disarmed him . " Her chest began to heave with silent sobs . " And then I shot him in the chest . So he would stay down . I - I didn 't want to shoot him , but … I didn 't know what he would do . And his face … " She trailed off and stared down at the floor , taking in deep , gasping breaths and holding her head in her hands . I stayed silent while she struggled to compose herself . " Did you tell the police that he threatened you ? " I inquired once her breathing had returned to normal . She gave me an almost pitying look through her tears and let out a breath of dry laughter . " Of course I did . But there wasn 't any evidence that it was self - defense . I told you ; he never hit me . Not once . Other than the bruises from the bat and the bullet in his chest , there was no sign of a struggle . It wasn 't like there were any witnesses , and the house was in pristine condition . The police even found . . . they found an engagement ring stashed in his dresser . " She grimaced . " Then the prosecuting attorney brought up the weekend I had spent in suicide watch at a hospital when I was a teenager . It didn 't help that when the police showed up at his house , I was inconsolable and babbling about monsters with sharp teeth and big yellow eyes . At that point , it was all over . Although , I guess it did land me in here instead of prison . " Her gaze flitted past me and towards the open doorway of her bedroom , pensive and calm despite the tears trickling down her face . " The people here seem nice . " " Well , I think that 's enough for today , " I said briskly , rising to my feet . " I 've appreciated your cooperation . I 'll be back in a couple days so we can discuss your treatment . " She stood , nodded her head in agreement , and extended her hand . After a brief moment of hesitation , I gripped it and gave it a quick shake . " One more thing , " I added as she turned and began to rummage through her duffel bag , withdrawing a tattered paperback fantasy novel . " This … ' monster ' you said that you saw . Is this a recurring vision for you ? " She straightened and gave me a terse smile . " And you mentioned , " I continued , " that you were praying to thank the deity that let this happen to you . To be honest , Jessica , I can 't understand why . " Paper rustled as she lowered herself back onto the mattress and thumbed through the pages of the book , looking for her spot . " I don 't think it was meant to be a punishment , " she said , not looking at me . " I like to think that it was a blessing . Maybe I got a chance to see the real Danny before it was too late . Or maybe I 'm just being optimistic about it . " " I don 't think there is either . " The unstable Jessica I had gotten a glimpse of only moments ago was gone , and she looked up from her book to regard me with her level stare . " Have a nice day , doctor . " My mouth twitched in annoyance as the girl sitting on the mattress in front of me continued to studiously ignore my existence . All of her concentration was zeroed in on the pink rubber ball she was bouncing in a meticulous rhythm on the wooden floor . Thump - catch - drop - thump - catch - drop - thump - catch - drop - thump … " Natalie , " I repeated , a little louder this time . Her eyes narrowed a little , but other than that , she didn 't acknowledge that I had spoken at all . " I don 't intend to treat you like a child , but if you 're going to act like this , I can have that taken away . " She caught the ball with a twist of her bony wrist after another loud thump and lifted her head to scowl at me . The effect of her glare was magnified by the impressively dark circles that framed her green eyes like bruises . " It isn 't my fault it sticks so well , " she retorted , biting back a smile . " Pudding , my ass . You could probably use that stuff to fix that hole in the wall by the desk . " " You 're not doing yourself or anyone else any good by being so unpleasant , you know . And I was hoping to touch base with you again , " I said . " I would say that it 's time for our next session , but seeing as we 've never actually had a real session … " " We 've met several times , of course , but not once during any of our meetings have we ever actually discussed your problems . And the longer you stay clammed up , the longer it for takes for me to help you . " She snorted , and I raised an eyebrow . " And the longer it takes for me to help you , " I continued delicately , " the longer you will stay . " " Have you ever actually seen my family ? " she said loudly . " They stopped visiting months ago . I bet they want me to rot in here just as much as you do . " I opened my mouth to reply , thought better of it , closed my eyes , and then took a deep breath before I spoke again . " Fine . I 'll make you a deal , " I sighed . " If , by the end of our session , I decide that you have made progress with me , I will give you back your television privileges . " She regarded me distrustfully . We sat there in a silent standoff for a few moments , but then she grimaced and looked up at the ceiling in exasperation . " Fine , " she muttered . " Ask away . " I contained my sigh of relief and gave her what I hoped was a pleasant smile . " Good . I 'd like to start by talking about your insomnia . When you were admitted , the nurses told me that you were having trouble sleeping . Maybe you could tell me when all that started ? " " Suit yourself . Well , why don 't you start from there ? Was it the house that kept you awake at night ? New surroundings can be hard to adjust to . " She shrugged , and , for the first time ever , started to look a little uncomfortable . " Not really . I mean , my stepbrother was always up late playing Xbox and shouting into his headset , but I couldn 't ever really hear it from my room . I was actually sleeping just fine . It was just . . . the dreams . " She bit her lip , looking frustrated . " They were only nightmares , but they scared the shit out of me . And they were always the same : I would wake up in my bed and there would be this thing crouched over me , and I could never , ever seem to move . At all . So I , uh , " she murmured , blinking a little faster than usual , " would just have to sit there while it hurt me . " I stopped writing mid - sentence . " It was always different . Sometimes it would have big claws and teeth , and it would rip me to pieces over and over again for what felt like forever , " she said stiffly . " Other times it was really long and had this horrible toothless mouth , like a snake , and it would just start swallowing me whole from the feet up . Very . Very . Slowly . I could feel how wet its throat was , and I couldn 't even scream . " " That sounds . . . awful , " I said softly , staring at her in shock . " Did you ever tell your parents about these dreams ? " Her eyes flashed angrily . " No . I tried to , but it wasn 't like they were ever home . They were both workaholics . Dad was VP of this big company - - he always had business trips overseas - - and my stepmom was a hotshot lawyer with lots of clients . They didn 't have time for me . And my mom wanted nothing to do with me , but that wasn 't anything new , " she added , rolling her eyes . " Ryan ? No . He was just a reclusive gamer - boy with gross friends . They were all assholes . Some of them even perved on me when they came over , even though they were nearly in their twenties . " Her upper lip curled in contempt . " Anyway , the only times I ever interacted with him were when I needed a ride somewhere or if we both happened to be in the kitchen getting food at the same time . He was too awkward to hold a conversation with , and the house was big enough that we usually didn 't have to see one another if we didn 't have to . We both just left each other alone . " I tried to suck it up and get over the dreams , but they wouldn 't stop . They 'd go away just long enough for me to think it was over , but then they 'd come back worse than ever . So , a few weeks before my fifteenth birthday , I decided to stop sleeping . I mean , I didn 't stop completely . That would have been impossible . I would always drift off a little in class or while I was on the bus . One time I woke up at eight pm inside one of the school buses . The driver must not have seen me when she got to the station , so she just . . . left me there . I had to crawl out a window and call Ryan to come pick me up . I guess that was one of the times I was thankful it was him and not dad who was home . Ryan never asked a whole lot of questions . " " When I was sixteen they started taking me to doctors . I was losing weight , and sleep - deprivation doesn 't do your body any favors . I looked like shit . They prescribed me sleeping pills and other stuff , but since my parents weren 't ever around , I never actually took them . " She sighed . " I have to give them some credit , though . They did notice that I was drinking a metric fuckton of their coffee , so they switched it all to decaf and hid the real stuff somewhere else . I had to keep my own little stash of caffeine pills in my backpack for those days when I was too tired to function . " But it was working . Even when I would pass out every so often , the dreams weren 't bothering me anymore . And it wasn 't always bad , " she added , and as I watched her speak , her eyes seemed to glaze over wistfully . " When you 've been awake for that long , there 's this little window of time where you 're invincible . Everything seems new and exciting , and you feel like you could just drop - kick the whole world right out of orbit if you wanted to . I 'm sure I looked like a fucking crazy person the whole time , but I felt great . " She rubbed her eyes a little . " I don 't know how I did it , but I managed to keep it up until I turned eighteen without wandering into traffic or something . " At that point , though , I think I had successfully convinced my parents that they were being negligent assholes . Dad finally started taking time off work to spend time with me , and we 'd sometimes go out to eat on weekends , and do all that other stuff that fathers are actually supposed to do with their daughters . He always looked really worried when he looked at me , though , " she admitted sadly . " That summer , he got everyone together for a family vacation . My stepmom even flew Ryan out from college so he could come with us . And instead of going somewhere fancy , dad decided to take us camping . I think he thought it would bring us all closer together . " She gave me a little smile . " He even rented a camper for him and my stepmom and bought me and Ryan tents . The whole nine yards . The road trip to the lake was a little awkward , but once we got there , it was pretty great . At least , until the last day , " she continued slowly . " I - it was my fault , " she whispered . " I forgot to bring my caffeine pills . I thought that maybe if we went away like that , it might not happen … " " No , not just another dream . It was the worst one I ever had , " she said jerkily . Her eyes were wide , and dread was draining the color from her face . " It was that . . . that thing again , and this time it had five heads and ten arms . And the heads were eating me , l - like they always did , b - b - but the hands . . . " A low whimper escaped her lips and she buried her face in her hands . When she spoke again , there was a soft tremor in her voice . " I can 't talk about it . " " Okay , " she breathed . " Okay . Um . A - after I woke up the next morning , I didn 't really talk to anyone while we packed everything up . I . . . I was just so … done with all of it . I had been fighting that shit for four years , and I just realized that it was never going to go away . No matter what I did , that thing was always going to be there , waiting until I fell asleep . And a few miles down the road , we stopped at a gas station to fill up the camper , " she said softly . " Everyone went inside to get doughnuts and coffee , but I waited in the car . And I couldn 't stop thinking about what it would be like , living with that thing two steps behind me for the rest of my life . So … " She looked up at me and bit her lip . " . . . I . . . I took the gas pump out of the camper and put it in my mouth . " I thinned my lips and nodded , and she exhaled heavily , as if she had been holding her breath . " Obviously , it didn 't work , " she continued dryly . " It was a stupid idea . I puked most of it up right after I swallowed it , and my parents saw what I had done and called an ambulance . And , ta - da , " she finished weakly , holding up her arms in mock - triumph . " Here I am , notwithstanding my lack of esophageal lining . " I watched her for a few moments , then rose slowly to my feet . " Thank you for sharing your story , Natalie , " I said slowly . " We can stop for today . I 'll meet with you soon so we can decide how to proceed from here . " " Yes , Natalie , I 'd be more than happy to restore your TV privileges . I 'll tell the nurses and you can go to the recreation room right away for movie night . If you hurry , you can still make it . " " I 'm fine , " she snapped , rubbing her eyes with one hand and frantically waving me away with the other . " Just … go away . " I gave her a small nod and made my way out of the room . On my way to my office , I paused as I reached the front desk and looked over at the attendant . " Anna , " I said , and she looked up at me . " Natalie just told me her parents haven 't visited in months . Do you know anything about it ? " Her face grew a little pale . " Well , I thought something about the headline seemed familiar , and then I remembered seeing the name in Natalie 's file when she was admitted . It was her stepbrother . . . Ryan , right ? More than a few underage girls came forward with rape allegations , and they found chloroform and rohypnol in his dormitory . It 's no wonder they haven 't had time to visit . " Lucy 's wide - eyed gaze followed me as I walked into her room , and her thin lips twitched into a nervous little smile . " Hi , Brian , " she said shyly , casting her brown eyes down towards the yellow slip of paper in her hands , which she was diligently folding into a series of complex shapes . A square book full of colored paper lay next to her , and her past failures were scattered across the mattress in a colorful pile of crumpled balls . " Yes , " she replied , chewing on her lip in concentration . " Back in middle school , we both tried to learn origami together . I guess she figured I 'd have more time to practice now . " " Well , it 's good to see you picking up a hobby . Maybe you can make some decorations for the ward once the holidays roll around . " She beamed down at her paper , which was slowly beginning to take the shape of a giraffe , and I glanced at my clipboard . " You seem much more lively today . Is the new medication helping at all ? " She nodded rapidly , still squinting down at her giraffe . " It 's much better . I feel a lot more awake now , " she said , turning it around in her hands . Satisfied , she placed it gently onto the dresser next to her bed and tore a fresh , red square of paper out of the book . " And you ? " she continued , looking up at me curiously . I blinked at her . " Very good , thank you , " I answered . " My sister made dinner on Thursday . Did yours come to visit ? " She shook her head , absorbed once again in her frantic folding and creasing . " No , " she said quietly . " Jamie went downtown to see her husband 's family . But there was a little dinner here , " she added with a shrug . " We had turkey and potatoes and cranberry sauce . It was nice . " " That 's good . " I peeked over her hands at the piece of paper , which she had folded into a strange little triangle . " What are you making now ? " " Would you mind postponing your bird for a moment ? I 'd like to continue our conversation from last week . " She gingerly placed the unfinished piece of paper near her thigh , then folded her hands into her lap . Her right thumb began to scratch restlessly at the edge of the bandage on her left wrist , but the rest of her body remained still . " I 'm sorry if you don 't remember , " I said . " You seemed unfocused , so I decided to reschedule our appointment and change your medication . " She nodded slowly . " Well , I did manage to get a little out of you the last time we spoke , " I replied gently . " You said something - - and forgive me if I misunderstood you - - about a closet ? " She stiffened a little , and I watched her carefully . " Is that right ? " " That 's how it all started , actually , " she said slowly , staring down at her hands . " I don 't remember exactly when it began , but every night , I started hearing these whispers . I even asked my father to check my room a couple times , even though it made me feel like a scared little girl , but there was never anything there . " " No . I couldn 't understand them . At first I just thought it was just the house , like air rushing through the vents or something , but after a few months , I decided that they sounded way too human to be anything other than voices . One night , I woke up and my closet light was on , even though I always slept with it off . " She began to chew on her lip again . " That 's when it started to make a little more sense . " " I don 't know . It just seemed right at the time , that there were whispers coming from my closet . You know how people say the only certain things in life are death and taxes ? That 's what it felt like ; one of life 's certainties . Death , taxes , and voices in my closet . " She broke off with a frantic little giggle , and I waited patiently until she had relaxed again . " But it wasn 't too horrible , " she continued . " Once I accepted them , it was a lot easier to sleep again . It was even a little comforting sometimes . They weren 't really bad whispers . They were just . . . there . And that was okay . " Other than that , my life was going really well . I was working part time as a waitress and was close to finishing my freshman year in college . That 's why I was living at home : I couldn 't wait tables , pay for school , and pay rent . But my grades were alright - - I was never valedictorian or anything , but they weren 't too bad - - and there was this one customer , Kevin , who would always stop by the bar on Fridays for a couple drinks . He was really nice to me , even though I was shy . Looking back on it , I 'm sure he was flirting with me the whole time , " she said , flashing me a sad little smile . " I think he thought I wasn 't interested for a while , since I was so clueless about it , but he finally gathered up the courage to ask me out . I said yes , of course . I was always the quiet one in high school , so I hadn 't ever actually gone out on a date before . I was really excited , and the first few times we went out , I had an amazing time . " " Sort of , " she said softly . " On our fourth date , we went to a movie and then went back to his place . He had a nice little apartment a few miles away from my campus , and we picked up some ice cream and played Mario Kart all night long . He didn 't even try anything . I mean , I probably wouldn 't have minded if he did , but it seemed kind of sweet that he wanted to take things slow . I started getting drowsy after a while , so he let me sleep in his bed . " She paused and licked her lips nervously . " I woke up around two am . He was passed out next to me , and I realized that he had left his closet door open . " " Yeah , " she agreed , fiddling anxiously with the origami book . " But they were . . . different this time . They seemed scared , or worried about something . And I could hear this thumping coming from outside his apartment door . It was probably just another tenant , but it wouldn 't stop , and there was something . . . really unsettling about it . Every time I heard it , it just felt more and more like something awful was about to happen . So I got up and got all my stuff , as quietly as I could . I waited for the noise to get quieter and went out the front door , and I just remember standing in the stairwell for ages , listening for it to make sure it was gone . " A shudder traveled up her spine , and her posture tensed . " It started to come back again , louder and louder , and when I looked behind me , I saw this black shape at the end of the hallway . It was too low to the floor to be a person , and it seemed small , but then it moved and I heard the thumping noise again . And then it started scuttling towards me , and I just ran as fast as I could down to my car and locked the doors once I got inside . " She let out a jerky laugh , her lip quivering . " It scared the life out of me when I started my car . I guess mine triggers the alarm when you start it with the doors locked . I remember screaming for a few seconds until I realized what was happening . " I called Kevin the next day to apologize for disappearing , and told him that it was just impossible for me to stay asleep in new places . He seemed to understand , but we kind of drifted apart after that . And everything started to get worse , " she admitted . " The whispers were getting louder , and sometimes I could hear the thumping noise , like the shadow from the hallway had followed me home . It always kept me up , even when I locked the closet . I even started sleeping with a knife in my nightstand , just in case that thing ever learned how to open the door . " " I couldn 't bring myself to do it . They were starting to act strange around me , and I could tell they knew I was starting to lose my head . I could hear them talking about me when they thought I wasn 't there . " Her eyes shone bright with tears , and she stared woefully at the floor . " It was the same with my coworkers and classmates . I could feel their eyes boring into my skull when I was turned around , and when they were talking with each other , sometimes they 'd look over at me . I told myself that I was imagining it , but I just couldn 't shake the feeling . " She leaned down to cover her face with her hands , and when she spoke again , her voice was muffled through her fingers . " So I was actually ecstatic when my parents asked me to watch my two - year - old sister while they went to a dinner party , because it meant they somehow still trusted me enough to be around her . Y - you know ? " " If I don 't do it now , I don 't think I 'll ever do it , " she whispered , and I paused before nodding . " Um , " she continued shakily , " at first , it went really well . Mom always told me and Jamie that Grace was the easiest baby she ever had . We were always throwing fits when we were kids , but Grace never seemed to cry at all . She didn 't even go through the terrible two 's . So I switched my shift with someone at the bar , and we just spent the whole day watching Tinkerbell movies , playing hide - and - seek , and fiddling with my makeup . She always loved getting into glittery stuff . When I tried to put her down for sleep , she was still all riled - up , but I told her we could play more tomorrow . " Fresh tears started streaming down her face . " I went to go brush my teeth and wash my face after I tucked her in , and then I locked my closet and went to bed . " It . . . it didn 't take long for the whispers to start again , but I was determined to drown them out that night . I had to act normal , for Grace . I thought about turning the TV on to drown it out , but I didn 't want to wake her up . B - but then , the light in my closet turned on . " She drew her legs up to her chest and wrapped her arms around her knees , curling into a nervous little ball . " I remember just staring at it , telling myself that I was imagining it , but then I heard that thumping noise , louder than ever . And then , " she said , clenching the material of her jeans hard with her fingers , " it knocked on the door . Th - three times . Really , really slowly . I grabbed the knife from my nightstand and stood up , and then the light turned itself right off . I - I - I finally convinced myself to get up and open the door , and I s - s - saw this b - b - black shape in front of the w - w - w - wall … " She broke off and buried her face in her arms , sobbing uncontrollably . I felt the blood drain out of my face . " I didn 't see her , " she finally cried out against her skin . " I . . . I didn 't see her her until … " " Lucy , " I said , just loudly enough to be heard over her heaving sobs . " It was a terrible mistake , but you needed help . Your mind had convinced itself that you were in danger - - " " But I knew the moment I dropped the knife , " she gasped . " It was like . . . like flipping a switch . And . . . and then I heard the garage door open downstairs , so I … " She trailed off , slowly raising her left arm amidst the waves of sobs to show me the bandages . My chest suddenly felt very tight . " They found us there a few minutes later , " she whispered . " Dad turned on the closet light and . . . well . . . there was a lot of blood . " She had quieted down , but her shoulders were still shaking with each breath . " Mom couldn 't stop screaming . " We sat quietly for a little while , the silence of the room punctured only by Lucy 's ragged breathing as she tried to stifle her tears . " Jamie told me that they were going to visit soon , but I don 't think they will , " she breathed . The tremors were slowly leaving her voice , but her eyes were still wide with horror . " I wouldn 't blame them . I wouldn 't blame them if they never wanted to see me again . " " Yes , I think that 's enough for today , " I said gently , rising to my feet . Lucy nodded jerkily and picked up her half - finished paper bird , her fingers flying into another folding frenzy . " I 'm sorry . I promise that it will get easier from here on out . Why don 't you get some rest ? Dinner 's in two hours , and a couple of the nurses told me you haven 't been sleeping well . " I moved to leave , but hesitated when I saw a flicker of movement out of the corner of my eye . Frowning , I turned to look at the tiny closet across from Lucy 's bed . The doorway was clear , and there wasn 't anything inside other than a short stack of books and a small collection of board games , but the chain connected to the light bulb on the ceiling was swaying lazily . |
When I started this blog my daughter had a best friend named Dora . Dora lived with us . Dora was invisible . When I told my daughter , I was going to start a blog of stories for her , she asked me to write stories for Dora . So we called this blog Stories for Dora . Now , that my daughter has outgrown Dora , she has reclaimed her blog and we have changed the name to Stories for Aurella . So here are stories for my daughter and you . Once there was beautiful princess . She had kissed a frog that became a Prince . Now , she lived in a great big castle . Her husband was a rich and handsome prince . So of course , she lived happily ever after , didn 't she ? Well , not exactly . Living with the Prince was not easy . He was a spoiled Prince . He was used to having other people do things for him . " I 'm hungry . " he would say . The Princess was so tired of living with the Prince . She was better of with the frog . She missed the frog . She wanted the frog back . She went in search of someone who could help her . Anyone she saw that she thought could help her she stopped and asked " Can you help me turn my Prince into a frog ? " " That 's not how it works ! " cried the Wizard . " That 's not how any of this works . " He went off mumbling to himself . The Princess sighed unhappily and continued her journey . She had never realized it was going to be so hard to turn a Prince into a frog . She thought that was the easy part . She thought turning a frog into a Prince was the hard part . After all , after you kiss a few frogs and they don 't turn into Princes who wants to keep it up . Well , if they knew what they were in for , they would never start kissing frogs in the first place . They would just let things be . The Princess walked and walked for miles and miles . She couldn 't find anybody who could help her . Her body was sore and her feet were aching . Princesses are not used to walking that much and their shoes are not made for it . Finally , she sat down on a log to rest a little bit before heading home . She figured she was going to be stuck with the Prince . She supposed there could be worse things . She could have been turned into a frog herself . Just because she wanted the Prince turned back into a frog did not mean that she wanted to be one herself . " I am the Princess . " replied the Princess . She looked around to see where the voice was coming from . She could just make out a shadowy figure in the distance . " What are you doing on my land ? " said the voice . As the figure came closer , the Princess could see that it was an ugly old witch . The Witch had a pointy nose and crooked teeth . The Witch was used to people being afraid of her . She did not understand why the Princess was not . The Witch gave the Princess her best evil smile . " I don 't turn frogs into Princes . " stated the Witch . " Wait a minute ! " she cried after realizing what the Princess had said . " Did you say you want to turn the Prince into a frog ? " " Sure , I can do that ! " exclaimed the Witch . That would not be against her Witches code because that sounded evil . The Witch mixed the Princess a potion . It looked scary and green and it was full of all kinds of weird stuff . " Just put it in his dinner , and he won 't see it or taste it . " she promised . " Not really . " said the Prince changing his mind . The Princess laid his dinner out in front of him . " Aren 't you eating too , my sweet ? " he asked . The Princess shook her head . " I had a big lunch . " she explained although she really hadn 't had any lunch she 'd been to excited to eat . The Prince nodded thoughtfully thinking that made perfect sense . He continued to eat . Just as he finished eating , there was a big puff of green smoke and he disappeared . In his place , appeared a little green frog . " Yes ! " cried the Princess happily . She was so happy that she picked up the little frog and kissed it . There was another puff of smoke but this time it was purple smoke . The frog disappeared and the Prince reappeared . Of course , he was much to big to fit in the Princess ' hand so he fell on the floor . Alysha Hamilton was obssesed with Air Bud and Buddy movies . She thought that all there was to life was watching them . All she ever wanted to do was watch them . She had seen every one over 100 times . When her Mom and Dad were watching on the TV , she would watch on her portable DVD player . She even named her dog , Rosebud after the dog in the Buddy movies except she never paid attention to her real dog because she was too busy watching the movies . When Alysha finally came down , Mommy was mad . " Alysha , you should have come when I called you . " she declared angrily . " Now , your lunch is cold ! " The next day , Alysha woke up and decided she wanted to watch one of the Buddy movies . She went to her closet where she kept them . She couldn 't find them . She looked all around and still couldn 't find them . She checked all over the rest of the house even places she knew they would never be like the refrigerator and freezer . Alysha did not know what else to do . She was so used to spending time watching her movies . For a while , she lay on her bed being bored . Then , Rosebud barked and climbed onto Alysha 's lap . Alysha wasn 't sure what to do . She wasn 't use to interacting with her real dog . She was usually too busy watching dogs on the TV screen . Rosebud started licking Alysha 's face . Alysha pet her . For the first time , Alysha started to really bond with Rosebud . Alysha got up . She thought Rosebud would leave , but Rosebud started following her around . " Mommy , " she said happily running into Mommy 's room with Rosebud not far behind her . After feeding , Rosebud , Alysha helped Mommy make cheesedogs , potatos , and mixed vegetables for dinner . It was delicious . Even Rosebud who was eating the scraps off the floor thought so . After dinner , Mommy , Daddy , and Alysha played a game of Trivial Pursuit . Rosebud kept trying to eat the pieces . Alysha kept taking them away from her because she didn 't want her dog to choke . After that , she felt like she had bonded more with her parents more than ever before . " That was fun . " she said happily . " Can we do it again tomorrow ? " The next morning when Alysha woke up . She ran into her Mom and Dad 's room excitedly yelling . " Look what I found ! Look what I found ! " waving the DVDs around . Renata Hood wished that people would actually call her by her name . She loved the name Renata . She liked the way the sound of it just rolled off her tongue . The only problem was nobody ever called her by her name . The only thing people ever called her was Little Red . They called her that because of the flaming red hair that she had inherited from her mother . Only her mother was lucky enough not to get stuck with the nickname Big Red or anything like that . They just called her Red . " Why do I have to be Little Red ? " insisted Renata . " I 'm getting too old for that . " Mom smiled at Renata and answered . " You know why , sugar . They were already calling me Red when you were born so they called you Little Red . " Renata looked at her tiny barely 5 foot tall mother . She had to admit that her mother was right . It would just be crazy to call her Big anything . Renata sighed . Well , if her mother didn 't care if people called her mother Red that was fine , but Renata just wished people would stop calling her Little Red . " Listen , sugar . " said Renata 's mother . " I need you to take a basket of food I made over to Grandma 's house . She 's not feeling well . " Grandma lived down the block and around the corner . Renata nodded . She took the basket and got ready to go . Just before she went out the door , Mom called her . " Wait a minute ! " Mom stopped her . " It 's cold out there , put on a sweater . " Renata made a face of utter disgust . She hated that sweater . Grandma had been knitting sweaters for her like that since she was born . No matter how many times Renata told her that red heads didn 't really look good in red , Grandma continued to make her red sweaters . Every time , Renata grew out of one she made her another . " Do I have to , Mom ? " she asked hoping that for once the answer would actually be no . " Now , you be careful . " insisted Mom . " Just go to Grandma 's and come right back . Don 't waste time and don 't talk to anybody along the way . " Renata sighed again . The last thing she wanted to do was stop and talk to anybody . All she wanted to do was go and come back before anyone saw her in that stupid red hooded sweater . Now , Renata was sure she knew that voice . " Go away Wolfie ! " she called out behind her . Wolfie Black was a boy in her neighborhood , and he was also in her class . She just couldn 't seem to get away from him . Wolfie 's real name was Walter but nobody ever called him that . They just called him Wolfie . Allegedly , they called him that because he had big ears and a big nose and little eyes like a wolf . Renata wasn 't sure though . All she knew was that , he was really annoying , and she despised him . He liked her though , and he was always trying to talk to her . Renata started running . Wolfie ran after her . He had much longer legs than Renata and quickly caught up to her . He put his hand on her shoulder , and she turned around and sighed . " You 've got really long legs , Wolfie . " she noted unhappy that he was able to reach her so quickly . Renata shook her head . Things could not possibly get worse . First , she was forced to wear the stupid red sweater and now this . She walked around Wolfie and continued on her way to Grandma 's hoping that he didn 't really intend to walk her all the way there . Apparently , he did , however , because he kept following her . At Grandma 's door , Renata turned to Wolfie , and she was about to tell him that he could go now . However , the door suddenly swung open . " Why my sweet Little Red ! " exclaimed Grandma excitedly upon seeing her granddaughter . " I 'm feeling a lot better now , dear . " replied Grandma . She took the basket from Renata and peeked in . " Did your mother send all of this ? " Grandma asked Renata . " How nice of her . " she added gratefully when Renata nodded yes . " I couldn 't possible eat all this though . Why don 't you stay and eat with me and you 're friend is welcome to stay too . " Renata turned and frowned to see that Wolfie was still there . She tried to give him a look that said tell her that you don 't really want to stay . Wolfie did no such thing . Instead , he put out his hand and said . " Hello . My name is Walter Black , ma 'm . I would love to stay . Thanks for inviting me . " Renata frowned even deeper . It was bad enough when Wolfie followed her all the way to Grandma 's . Now , she had to sit down and eat with him . It was going to be a long afternoon . It turned out that Renata was wrong . When she actually sat down and talked to Wolfie , he wasn 't really that bad at all . He was still a little weird , but he was nice . " I guess we are , Walter . " she replied . After all , how could she not be friends with the only person she knew who had agreed to called her Renata instead of Little Red like she was always begging people to do . In exchange , she agreed to call him Walter instead of Wolfie . Liz looked up where Barbie was pointing . She didn 't see anything . She looked all around the closet . She still didn 't see anything . " What am I looking at ? " she asked finally . Liz shrugged . Of course , she had seen the big white box . It was too big to miss . It didn 't seem like anything important though . She didn 't see what could make it so fascinating to Barbie . " It 's just a box . " stated Liz matter - of - factly . " So what ? " Liz stared at her little sister as if she 'd suddenly starting speaking a foreign language . " Are you crazy ? " she asked finally . " Your birthday isn 't for six months . " Barbie remained staring at the closet trying to think of way to reach the big white box and see what was in it . She tried jumping up , but she didn 't jump high enough . She tried jumping up again , but she still couldn 't jump high enough She tried jumping off the bed , but she didn 't get anywhere near the closet . She just landed with a splat on the floor . Mommy looked confused or was it just that she was trying to act like she was confused . Barbie was sure Mommy was just trying to put on an act . Of course , she knew what box Barbie was talking about . " The big white box in the closet . " declared Barbie as a great big smile spread across her face . " Oh that box . " replied Mommy as she realized what box Barbie was talking about . " Oh that 's not for you . Don 't worry about it " She quickly left the room to finish what she had been in the middle of when Barbie 's loud crash interrupted her . Barbie 's smile got even bigger as Mommy left the room . Now she was certain that whatever was in the big box was her birthday present . She tried to imagine what it could be . Maybe , it was a dollhouse . She had been wanting one of those for a while . Maybe , it was a baby doll or two . Barbie just loved baby dolls , and in her opinion you could never have too many . Maybe , it was an art kit . Barbie loved to draw and paint . Barbie sat down on the bed disappointedly for a while . Then , she got an idea . She hurried out of the room and went to her bedroom and got her desk chair . She dragged it over to the closet , stood on it , and reached up . She still couldn 't reach the top of the closet . She frowned and thought some more . Then , she got an idea . She went into the bathroom and got the step stool and put it on top of the chair . She reached up into the top of the closet again . This time her fingers just barely touched the box . She carefully reached as far as she could and pulled the box closer to her . As she tried to pull it even closer , her fingers slipped and the box clattered to the floor with a crash . The contents which consisted of a bunch of papers scattered all over the floor . Barbie was filled with disappointment . She got down and sat on the floor with her face in her hands frowning . This time the crash brought both Mommy and Liz running . Liz 's eyes opened wide in surprise . " What happened ? " she asked . Mommy 's face was more angry then curious . " What is going on ? " she demanded . She frowned and gave Barbie a hard stare with one hand on her chin as she shooed Liz out of the room with the other . " First of all , if I tell you that something is not for you , you need to leave it alone . Second of all , I would not hide your birthday present in my closet . Third of all , your birthday is not for six months . I haven 't even started to think about it yet . " " I appreciate that . " said Mommy sternly . " but you went in my closet without permission and you made a big mess . There is going to have be some consequence . You go in your room and we 'll talk about it when I finish cleaning up this mess . " Mommy shook her head . " No , you 've done quite enough . " she declared . " Go to your room . " A few minutes later , Liz found Barbie in the hall closet . " What are you doing ? " she asked her little sister . " Your going to get in trouble . Aren 't you supposed to be in your room ? " Aria Mermel was not happy . She was not happy to have moved to a a new town . She was not happy to be going to a whole new school . She was especially not happy to be having to make all new friends . " Just make yourself a part of their world . " suggested her mother , but that was a lot easier said than done . The only thing that made , Aria feel better was singing . She sat in her room for hours and listened to music and sang along . Finally , her mother made her go outside and get some fresh air . Aria took her iPod and sat on the swing in her yard swinging and singing . Aria was startled . She looked up and saw a girl standing in front of her . It was Ursi Wyche . Ursi lived next door , and she was one of the most popular girls at school . " Oh , I 'm sorry . " apologized Aria . " Was I singing out loud ? " " Okay . " replied Aria a little warily . She couldn 't imagine what Ursi could want her to do . Ursi didn 't even know her that well . Ursi laughed . " Oh don 't worry . " she said . " I don 't intend to hurt you . I know this is real life . We can 't really trade voices or anything like that but I want to be in the school musical . You can help me with that . " Ursi 's plan was to record Aria 's voice . Then , she 'd play it at the audition and lip sync to it . " Tomorrow , I 'll introduce you too everyone . " Ursi promised on her way out of Aria 's house . " Just remember though if you tell anyone about our deal , I 'll make them all hate you . " " I won 't tell . " Aria promised . She could hardly wait for the next day . She really wanted to be a part of the popular world like Ursi and not just an unnoticeable new girl any more . The next day , Aria stayed after school for the musical auditions . " Are you trying out ? " asked the drama teacher , Mrs . Sebastian . " Oh no . " replied Aria shaking her head . " I 'm just waiting for Ursi . " Ursi had promised to introduce Aria to her friends after the auditions . Aria looked up . " Oh hi , Ursi . " she greeted Ursi cheerfully . " Did you audition already ? " Aria didn 't remember seeing Ursi audition or hearing her own voice , but maybe she had missed it when she was busy with her homework . " No . " said Ursi unhappily . " Your voice accidentally got recorded over . Now , we have a new plan . " She dragged Aria out of the auditorium and around backstage with her . " You stay here and sing . " she demanded in a whisper . " My turn is next . " " Okay . " agreed Aria . She wasn 't happy about it though . She didn 't see how this was going to work . Mrs . Sebastian called Ursi 's name . Ursi went on stage and opened her mouth . Aria couldn 't see her so she didn 't start singing . After a few minutes , Mrs . Sebastian asked " When are you going to start singing , Miss Wyche ? " Ursi turned around and gave a quick angry peak behind the curtain . Then , she turned back to face front and smiled . " I 'm ready now . " she declared . Mrs . Sebastian actually had tears in her eyes . Never in all her years of teaching had she heard such a beautiful voice . She was about to ask Ursi where she had been hiding that beautiful voice all this time when she realized that the mouth and the sound coming out of it were not exactly matching up . She signaled for one of the other kids to open the stage curtains . Ursi stopped singing the minute the curtains starting opening . Aria , however , was so wrapped up in her song that she didn 't even notice the curtains were opening . She kept right on singing . " But I . . . " protested Aria . She looked over at Ursi who was glaring at her . Then , she looked out into the audience . Everyone else was smiling in an encouraging way . Maybe , she didn 't need Ursi to help her make friends anyway . Maybe , she could make her own friends after all . " Okay . " she declared . " I 'd love to try out for the school musical . " Snowy , the soft white cat , brushed against Naylei Robinson 's legs . Naylei reached down and pet her . The Robinson family had Snowy since before Naylei was born . In fact , Mommy had Snowy even before she met Daddy . " Tell me again the story of how you got Snowy . " Naylei begged Mommy . She climbed up on Mommy 's lap . When Mommy got out of college and she moved out of Grandma and Grandpa 's house , she moved into an apartment . It was kind of lonely . Grandpa offered to get Mommy a kitten . They went to the shelter . There were lots and lots of kittens . Mommy didn 't know which one to choose . She walked up to the cages . Most of the kittens ignored her . A little white one came right up to the front of the cage and chewed on Mommy 's finger . It didn 't hurt though . " I 'll take this one . " she declared . Somebody opened the cage and took the little kitten out and deposited it into Mommy 's arms while Grandpa filled out the necessary paperwork for Mommy to adopt her . The kitten was frightened and shaking . Mommy pet her and tried to relax her . " Don 't worry little one . " she whispered softly to the kitten . Mommy carefully looked the little cat over and thought about it . " Snowy . " she announced after a few minutes . " I 'm going to call her Snowy . " In the car , Snowy was even more frightened . As they drove along , she made sad little mewing sounds . Mommy felt so bad for her . " Don 't worry little one . " she promised . " It 's going to be okay . " They stopped to get cat supplies . Then , they went to Mommy 's apartment . Mommy took Snowy to her room and let her out of the box . Snowy started running around and around all over the place . She was so happy to be out a cage and out of a box . Mommy and Grandpa laughed at the crazy little kitten racing all over the floor . Finally , Snowy tired herself out . She came over to Mommy and lay down in her lap and went to sleep . After that , she and Mommy were bonded . She was Mommy 's fur baby for life . When Mommy first got Snowy , Snowy followed her everywhere . Every time , Mommy went out of the room and Snowy didn 't see her , she started mewing sadly . One day , Mommy was taking a shower when she heard Snowy crying in the hall . Mommy grabbed a towel and went out into the hall . She scooped up Snowy in her arms and brought her into the bathroom . Snowy stopped crying and jumped up on the toilet lid and sat down . Mommy got back in the shower . Snowy sat peacefully for a couple of minutes . Then , she started crying again . Mommy poked her head out of the shower just to show Snowy that she was still there . Snowy excitedly came over to the edge of the tub . She leaned forward and jumped in . When Snowy felt the water touch her fur , she jumped back in terror . She quickly skidded across the tub floor and jumped out the other side . Mommy laughed at her silly little kitten , For the first couple of years , Mommy and Snowy lived alone , and they were very close . When Mommy sat on the couch Snowy sat behind her on the arm of the couch . When Mommy lay on the couch , Snowy lay on her stomach . When Mommy sat at the table in the kitchen and ate a meal , Snowy sat in the extra chair next to her . When Mommy slept , Snowy curled up on the extra pillow next to her . When Mommy went out and then came back , Snowy greeted her at the door , meowing so happy to see her again . Then , Mommy became pregnant with Naylei 's big sister , Nina . Snowy was okay with Mommy being pregnant . Of course , she didn 't really understand it anyway . It was when Nina was actually born that was the problem . When Mommy and Daddy brought Nina home from the hospital , Mommy held Nina in her arms wrapped in a blanket . By that time , they lived in a townhouse and Snowy was sitting on the top of the steps . She looked at Mommy and Daddy and the bundle in Mommy 's arms and glared at them all . What in the world had they brought into her house ? Whatever , it was she was not happy about it . Snowy was so angry at Mommy that she barely went near her for several months . Luckily , Snowy didn 't try to harm Nina though . In fact , she barely went near the baby either . She didn 't mind being near Daddy though , and became close to Daddy for the first time . Finally , after several months , Snowy decided to forgive Mommy . Things went back to the way they were before except Snowy stayed close to Daddy although not as close as she was to Mommy . " When you were born , Snowy didn 't mind so much . She only stayed away from me for a little bit . I guess once she had gotten used to one baby , the second one was easier . " explained Mommy . It was Sugar Baby 's bath time . Of course , that wasn 't really her name but everybody called her that because she was so sweet . She wasn 't really a baby either . She was a toddler . She was already 4 , but everyone still thought of her as a baby because she was the youngest child in the family . She had one older sister and one older brother The only time Sugar Baby wasn 't sweet was bath time . She hated taking a bath . " Come on Sugar Baby . " said Mommy sweetly . " It 's time for your bath . " Mommy picked up Sugar Baby and got ready to undress her . Just then Sugar Baby wriggled out of her grasp and ran out the door . Mommy reached for her , but she couldn 't get Sugar Baby . Sugar Baby was too fast . Sugar Baby turned smiled and laughed and kept running right out the bathroom door . Ha ! Ha ! Hee ! Hee ! Mommy couldn 't catch the Sugar Baby . Sugar quickly ran down the stairs and into the kitchen with Mommy following behind her . Daddy was sitting at the table reading the paper . He saw Sugar Baby run past . " It must be bath time . " he said with a smile . He reached out and tried to scoop her up into his arms and take her back upstairs . She slid just out of his grasp and gave him a huge smile . " Ha Ha Ha ! Hee ! Hee ! Hee ! Mommy and Daddy couldn 't catch the Sugar Baby . Mommy and Daddy both followed Sugar Baby out of the room . She ran into the living room where her big sister was sitting watching TV . Big sister looked up as Sugar Baby ran into the room . " Bath time , already Sugar Baby ? " she asked cheerfully . She tried to reach for Sugar Baby , but Sugar Baby got down on her hands and knees and crawled away . " Ha Ha Ha Ha ! Hee ! Hee ! Hee Hee ! ! Mommy , Daddy and sister couldn 't catch the Sugar Baby . Mommy , Daddy and sister all followed Sugar Baby out of the room . Sugar Baby ran out the back door . Her older brother was in the yard throwing a baseball into the air and catching it . He laughed as he saw his little sister come out of the house . " It 's not bath time already , Sugar Baby , is it ? " He tried to pick up Sugar Baby in his arms but she quickly slipped away from him . Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! Hee ! Hee ! Hee ! Hee ! Hee ! Mommy , Daddy , sister and brother couldn 't catch the Sugar Baby . Mommy , Daddy , sister and brother all followed Sugar Baby around to the front yard . Sugar Baby turned around and saw Mommy and Daddy and sister and brother all chasing her . She laughed at them all following her unable to catch her . Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! Ha ! Hee ! Hee ! Hee ! Hee ! Hee ! Wait ! What was happening ? All at once , Sugar was being picked up off her feet and lifted into the air . How could that be if Mommy , Daddy , big brother and big sister were all behind her ? Sugar Baby looked up into the face of the woman who had picked her up . It was Grandma who had arrived for a visit at just the right time . Gladiola Stravinski loved flowers . She loved Lillies . She was passionate about Pansies . She was crazy about Chrysanthemums . She was zany for Zinnias . She was daffy for Daffodils . She was in love with Irises . She just couldn 't get enough of Jasmine . She was moonstruck for Marigolds . She got excited about Geraniums . Maybe , she loved flowers because she was named after one , but whatever it was she was just crazy about them . Her fondest wish was to have a flower garden of her own . Mommy would shake her head . " Tending to a garden is a lot of responsibility . " she would say . " Maybe , when you 're a little older . " Gladiola 's siblings couldn 't even understand why she would want to have garden . " Too messy . " declared her sister , Jullietta . " Why would you want to voluntarily work in the dirt ? " Gladiola didn 't mind the mess or the work . She just wanted a flower garden of her own . She couldn 't wait for the day when she would be old enough to have one . After what seemed like forever to Gladiola , one day Mommy finally announced . " Okay . I think you are old enough to have a little flower garden now . " They went down to the Garden Center . Gladiola picked out purple Pansies , yellow Zinnia 's , pink Chrysanthemums , blue Geraniums , orange Marigolds and red and white Gladiolus . She could hardly wait for Mommy to pay for them so she could go home and started planting her garden . Once , they got home , Gladiola picked up out just the right spot on the lawn for her garden . She wanted a spot that would get just enough rain and sun , but not too much . She prepared her patch and planted her flowers . She put a tiny little white picket fence around it . The fence was so small , it wasn 't even as big as Gladiola . Right from the beginning , the fence was a problem . It was so small that people could not see it and kept walking right into Gladiola 's garden . Somehow , though the little flower garden continued to thrive and grow . Then , one day , Julietta and Gabriel were playing soccer on the lawn . " Please get away from my garden ! " begged Gladiola as they got awfully close to it . Julietta and Gabriel couldn 't hear her and they didn 't see the little fence and they both tumbled into the garden smashing all of Gladiola 's flowers as they went down . All of the flowers were completely destroyed . " I 'm so sorry ! " they both exclaimed jumping up and brushing themselves off . Julietta and Gabriel felt horrible . " What can we do to make it up to her ? " Julietta asked Gabriel . He shrugged . They thought about it for a while . Mommy and Gladiola came in the front door just as Julietta and Gabriel came in from the back . " I didn 't really think that was going to help . " they heard Gladiola say . She sounded as sad as when she left . Gladiola yanked her arm away and moved out of her sister 's grasp . " No ! " she replied firmly . " I am never going out there again . " Gladiola shook her head again . Gabriel lifted Gladiola into his arms and carried her toward the door . " Gabriel ! " she screamed . She kicked him and beat him with her fists , but he wouldn 't put her down . He carried her outside and over to where her garden used to be . She closed her eyes but then opened them again quickly as she thought she saw a flash of color . " My garden . " she said wriggling out of her brothers arms and going over to it . It was her garden as good as ever and still with the little white fence around it , but this time there was a big wooden sign next to it that said " Gladiola 's Garden " in rainbow letters making it clear that her garden was there . Nobody accidentally walked into it or fell into it again . Posted by Brigitta Williams was a little girl with a cat , Cupcake and a dog , Lilly . She loved them , but her favorite thing was Paddington Bear . She loved anything Paddington ; books , movies , and TV shows . " I want a bear ! Can I get a bear ? " She asked her mom one sunny afternoon . " NO ! Lilly and Cupcake are not enough . I want a bear ! " Brigitta said shouting and running away . She ran to her room and slammed the door . Mommy went after Brigitta . " Honey why do you want a bear anyway ? " " PADDINGTON ! ! ! ! ! ! " Brigitta exclaimed loud , annoyed , and angry . " The most we can do is go to the zoo . " explained mommy calmly Mommy agreed to go to the zoo . The next morning , Brigitta woke up at 12 : 00 AM . She was so excited she had set her alarm . " MOMMY ! MOMMY ! MOMMY ! MOMMY ! said Brigitta loudly . " I did not mean 12 : 00 AM . I meant around 8 : 30 or 9 : 00 or maybe even 9 : 30 . Go back to bed . Wake up at 9 : 00 AM . " said mommy angrily At 9 : 00 AM , her alarm clock started to go off . She jumped out of her bed . " It 's time ! " she screamed excitedly . " It 's time , mommy ! It 's time ! " Brigitta was already dressed . She was so excited she had gotten dressed when she woke up the first time . A half an hour later , they got to the zoo . They looked for a long time at different animals , but they couldn 't find the bears . Finally , Brigitta saw a sign . " This way ! " she shouted pointing to the right . She ran over to the bear 's cage , leaned as far as she could get , and tipped her hat and said " Hello . " just like Paddington always did . The bear roared in response . Brigitta ran as far and as fast as she could . Mommy ran after her . After that , Brigitta was ready to go home . When they got home , Briggita told mommy " Real bears are mean ! I don 't like them anymore . I 'll stick to Paddington . " The Geller house was unusually quiet . With a household that consisted of three girls under ten , 8 year old Lindy , 5 year old Cindy , and 2 year old Bindy , peace and quiet was very rare . It also wasn 't necessarily a good thing . In fact , it usually mean that somebody was up to something . Mommy decided to go look and see what her girls were up to . She peaked her head into the playroom and opened her eyes with horror . There was no sign of Lindy , Cindy , or Bindy . What there was was a big enormous mess . Barbie dolls and their clothing and accessories were scattered all over the floor . Stuffed animals were piled up in the chairs around the little table . The table itself was covered with open games and games pieces littered the table . In the center of it all was one white sneaker . Lindy looked around and surveyed the big mess . Her eyes opened wide at the site of it as she shook her head no . " I didn 't do this . " she told her mother . " I 've been in my room reading all day . " She showed Mommy the book she 'd been reading which she 'd carried into the playroom with her when Mommy called her . Mommy didn 't see how Bindy could make a mess like this all by herself . Besides , Bindy was allegedly in her room taking a nap . Mommy hoped that Bindy hadn 't started crawling out of her crib all by herself . If so , they would have to transfer her to a bed . Bindy was the last baby , and Mommy wanted her to stay little as long as possible . Mommy needn 't have worried . When she got to Bindy 's room . Bindy was fast asleep in her crib . Mommy breathed a sigh of relief for more than one reason . She realized the white sneaker left in the playroom was too big to fit Bindy 's tiny foot anyway . " Sorry , Mommy . " Cindy said as she came running into the playroom out of breathe . " I was watching TV . I didn 't hear you calling me . " Cindy started to say no because she didn 't want to get in trouble . However , she suddenly got distracted when she saw the white sneaker in the middle of the floor . " My shoe ! " she exclaimed . " I wondered where I left this my foot is freezing . " She hurried over and picked it up and put it on . It perfectly matched the other white sneaker she already had on . Xanny laughed at her sister 's fears . " Don 't worry . " she assured Xia . " I 'm sure it will be fine , and it will be fun . I 'll help you get through it . " Xanny excitedly counted down the days to their boat trip . Xia not so much . Every time , Xanny crossed off another day on the calender , she called out " Six more days ! " ; " Five more days ! " or whatever . Every time , Xia heard that she cringed and her stomach began to hurt as if she were already on the boat getting seasick . Finally , the day arrived . Xanny and Xia both got dressed in the cute little white and blue sailor dresses that Mom got them . Xanny hated hers . " Do I have to wear this ? " she asked . She would rather wear a pair of shorts and a t - shirt . Xia didn 't care so much about the dress . She actually thought it was kind of cute . She just would rather wear it to go look at boats instead of going for a ride in one . Uncle Will was waiting for them at the dock . " Here she is ! " he said proudly pointing to a beautiful red boat . The name on the side said The Rosebud . " Even Xia had to admit that the boat was beautiful . She would love to stay on the dock and admire it , staying on the dock being the important thing , of course . That , however , was not going to happen . Uncle Will helped the girls onto the boat . They quickly put on life jackets . Xanny stood and looked out over the water as they set sail . Xia sat down and clutched tightly to the back of her seat as though if she let go she would be instantly swept out to sea . After a few minutes , Xia relaxed a little bit . She realized that the sea breeze actually felt kind of nice and cooling on her face . She realized that she didn 't feel sick at all . In fact , she actually started to enjoy herself . Xia let go of her seat and stood up and looked out over the water . The view really was beautiful . " Oh , Xanny ! " Xia gushed excitedly to her sister . " You were right ! I 'm so glad Uncle Will invited us out on his boat . It 's so much fun . " There was no reply from Xanny . " Xanny ? " said Xia a little worriedly . There was still no reply from Xanny . " Xanny ? " repeated Xia a little more worriedly . She looked around for her sister . She finally found Xanny lying in a heap on the floor of the boat looking green . Xanny looked up miserably at her sister . " Is it over yet ? " she asked hopefully . When Xia shook her head no , Xanny turned even greener . " When is this stupid boat going to stop rocking ? " she moaned unhappily . Xia couldn 't help smiling at the turn of events . She instantly felt badly though and quickly wipe the smiled off her face . " Poor , poor Xanny . " she said sitting down beside her sister and taking her hand . " Don 't worry . " Xia assured Xanny " I 'll help you get through it . " Posted by Eliza Quince was the prettiest girl in the world . She knew she was . Her mirror told her so . Every day , she stared into it and said " Who is the prettiest girl in the world ? " " Why I am ! " she answered her own question . She would toss around her lovely red curls . She would flutter her bright green eyes . She was sure she was the prettiest girl in the world and she would always be the prettiest girl in the world . One day , a new girl moved to town . Her name was Whitley Snowden . She was really beautiful . She had long straight jet black hair . She had sparkly bright blue eyes . Eliza couldn 't stop staring at her worriedly . She liked being the prettiest girl in the world or at least thinking she was the prettiest girl in the world . After she saw Whitley for the first time , Eliza went right up to her room . She stood in front of her mirror . " Who is the prettiest girl in the world ? " Eliza was sure she couldn 't really have thought that . She closed her eyes , took a deep breathe , and tried to clear her mind . Then , she stood in front of her mirror again and asked " Who is the prettiest girl in the world ? " " Whitley Snowden . " repeated the voice in her head . Eliza screamed . She grabbed the brush that was sitting on her night table and threw it at the mirror . It just hit the frame and didn 't break the mirror . The next day when Eliza went to school , it turned out Whitley was in her class . Whitley tried to make friends with her . " Hi , I 'm Whitley Snowden . " she said putting out her hand to Eliza . " I just moved here from Forest Glen . " Eliza 's green eyes flashed angrily at Whitley . " I know who you are . " she replied coldly . She walked away and left Whitley standing there with her hand out . After that Eliza totally ignored Whitley . That wasn 't enough either . She got all the other kids to ignore Whitley too . Eliza was very popular . It wasn 't really so much because she was nice , but more partly because she was pretty and partly because the other kids were afraid of her . All the cool kids followed Eliza 's lead and refused to be friends with Whitley . The only kids who would be friends with Whitley were the not so cool kids . There were seven of them . Eliza never bothered with those kids except to give them mean nicknames . There was treetop , the tall kid . There was shorty , the short kid . There was stubby , the fat kid . There was brainy , the smart kid . There was dummy , the not so smart kid . There was smelly , the kid who always smelled . There was drippy , the kid who always had a runny nose . Whitley was always with them and she seemed happy to be with them . It bothered Eliza that it didn 't seem to matter that she was only friends with the not so cool kids . One day , when Whitley was alone in the hallway , Eliza approached her . " Whitley , " she said but she said it as if she were giving Whitley an order . Whitley looked up her eyes and mouth opened wide in surprise that Eliza was actually talking to her . Eliza smiled at her , but it wasn 't really a friendly smile . Whitley still didn 't say anything . " Don 't look so worried . " Eliza assured Whitley . " I don 't bite . " However , the way she smiled at Whitley as she said it made Whitley think that maybe she did . " Here . " said Eliza handing Whitley an apple . " A peace offering . " she said . Whitely wasn 't sure what to do . " Take it . " insisted Eliza . " Don 't you want to be my friend ? " Whitley figured it was better to have Eliza for a friend than an enemy . She took the apple . " Thanks . " she said but she didn 't really sound grateful , and she wasn 't . She started to put the apple in her backpack , but Eliza stopped her . Eliza was shocked . She had given Whitley the apple because she thought it had a worm in it , but she didn 't really want to cause Whitley physical harm . Eliza ran screaming for the school nurse . It turned out the apple had gotten specks of peanut butter in it from being in Eliza 's kitchen when her mother was making her a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich . Whitley was allergic to peanut butter . The nurse gave her a shot , and she was okay , but she had to go home for the rest of the day . When Whitley came back to school , Eliza hurried over to her . Whitley immediately jumped back . " I 'm really sorry . " said Eliza and this time she really meant it . " I didn 't know there was any peanut butter on that apple and that you were allergic to peanut butter . Let 's start over . I really want to be friends . " Whitley could tell by Eliza 's tone of voice that this time it was different , but she was still a little bit wary . " Okay . " she said cautiously . Eliza put out her hand . Whitley carefully took it and shook it . " You and I are the prettiest girls , and we 're going to rule the school . " Eliza told her . Selita Watts couldn 't wait until she learned how to spell . Her sister , Katherine was the third grade spelling champion in her school . Selita idolized her big sister , and she wanted to be a spelling champion too . Every day , she would arbitarily put strings of letters together trying to make words . " What does Q - G - M - I - Z spell , mommy ? " she asked . Mommy would just shake her head sadly . " It doesn 't spell anything . " she informed a disappointed Selita . Selita stared at the floor sadly . Mommy patted her on the head . " Don 't worry , honey . " she said . " You 'll learn to spell soon . " But soon wasn 't good enough for Selita . She wanted to learn now . Selita loved to sneak into Katherine 's room and look at the blue ribbon Katherine had earned for winning the spelling bee . She picked it up and held it in her hand even though she wasn 't supposed to be touching it . " What are you doing ? " demanded Katherine coming into the room suddenly to get something . Selita was so startled that the ribbon fell out of her hands and fluttered to the floor . " That 's mine ! " exclaimed Katherine angrily grabbing it off the floor . " You have no right to touch it ! Get out of my room ! " Selita frowned and angrily stuck out her lower lip . " I can too spell . " she said , " and you are a D - O - T - H - K " ' Of course , I can spell . ' thought Selita to herself ' If that dumb Katherine can spell anybody can spell . ' Selita knew that her sister wasn 't really dumb , but she always thought of her sister that was way when she was mad at her . Selita thought maybe she wasn 't trying hard enough . If she really concentrated she would learn how to spell . She looked around her room and saw her closet . " Closet . " she said . She repeated it several times . " Closet , closet , closet . " Then , she closed her eyes . After a few minutes , she opened them and smiled . She ran out of her room and went to find her mother . Mommy was in her bedroom watching TV . " Mommy ! " exclaimed Selita . " I can spell ! I can spell closet . K - L - S - I - T . " She flashed Mommy a smile that lit up her whole face . Mommy smiled back at Selita . " You 're getting there sweetie . " she said encouragingly , " But I 'm afraid that doesn 't spell closet . It doesn 't spell anything . " The smile instantly disappeared from Selita 's face . She was so disappointed . She really thought she had it this time . Maybe , she was the one who was dumb and she was never going to learn to spell . She sadly shuffled back to her room . In her room , she found a paper that had fallen on the floor . She picked it up and saw that there was writing on it . She looked at the first word on the paper . " S - E - L - I - T - A . " she read . ' I have an S sound in my name . ' she thought . She looked at the paper again . ' I have an L sound in my name too . ' she thought . She looked at the paper a third time . ' I have a T sound in my name . ' She looked at the paper one more time . ' I have an A sound in my name . This word must be my name . She pointed to each letter and said them aloud . " S - E - L - I - T - A . Selita . That 's me ! I can spell my name ! " She ran off excitedly in search of her sister . Katherine frowned and rolled her eyes . She highly doubted that . " Okay , whatever . Just go ahead and spell then . " She just wanted to get it over with and get her little sister out of her room . " That 's right , it does . " said Katherine full of shock and surprise . If she 'd been sitting she would have fallen out her chair . " Mom ! Mom ! Come quick ! Selita can spell ! Really ! " Mommy came rushing in from the other room . She hadn 't heard anything but come quick , and she was worried that something was wrong . " Is everything okay ? " she asked worriedly looking from one daughter to the next . " One step at a time . " Mommy said to Selita . " The dictionary wasn 't written in a day and you don 't need to learn to spell all the words it it in a day either . I 'm really proud of you . " She smiled at Selita . Selita smiled back . She was really proud of herself too , but she knew it was only the first step . Some day , she was going to win a spelling championship like Katherine . She was determined to . It was a beautiful sunshiny day and Paisley Vogel woke up bright and early and jumped out of bed . " I think I 'll be a princess today . " she said . She ran to her closet and pulled out her pink sparkly princess dress and quickly put it on . She followed that with her pink jeweled dress up princess shoes . She topped it all off with her shiny silver princess tiara . Then , she click clacked down to the kitchen in her plastic heels . The kitchen smelled like pancakes as Mommy was already there making breakfast . " Good morning , sugar . " she greeted Paisley warmly . Paisley frowned . " What 's wrong , honey ? " asked Mommy with a voice full of concern . " Oh , yes . " agreed Paisley " Princesses love things that are golden . I think I will have pancakes . " Her mother filled her plate with pancakes . Paisley loaded them up with butter and syrup and ate heartily . When she finished , she quickly got up from the table . " They do in this house . " replied Mommy in a stern voice . Paisley knew better than to argue when Mommy talked in that tone of voice . She sighed and went back to the table and brought her dishes to the sink . Just as Paisley was about to leave the kitchen again the phone rang . " Paisley , can you get that please ? " asked Mommy who was in the middle of washing dishes . Paisley stood in the doorway but didn 't move . " Paisley ! " said Mommy as the phone rang again . " Please , Princess Paisley . " said Mommy . At noon , Mommy called . " Paisley ! Come have lunch . " Paisley ignored her mother and continued to play . " Paisley ! " repeated . her mother a little bit louder . Paisley still kept playing . " Princess Paisley , your lunch is served . " called Mommy finally . " I 'll be right down . " answered Paisley . She click clacked in her plastic heels back into the kitchen and sat down at the table . " What 's on the royal menu for today ? " she asked eagerly . After lunch , Paisley spent the afternoon watching Princess movies . Before , she knew it was almost dinnertime and Daddy was home . He scooped Paisley up in his arms . " Hello , my Princess . " he said giving her a kiss on the check . Paisley and Daddy went into the kitchen and sat down . Paisley stared down at her plate and frowned . " We are serving Royal Ham and Golden Apple Juice tonight . " said Mommy . Paisley instantly brightened up and began eating her food . After dinner , she spent the rest of the day doing princessy things . Then , she took a royal bath and got into a her fluffy pink princess pajamas . " Goodnight , sweet princess . " said Mommy and Daddy as they tucked her into bed at night . The next morning , Paisley was still in bed when Mommy came into the room to collect her laundry to wash . Paisley sat up and opened her eyes . " Good morning Princess Paisley . " Mommy greeted her cheerfully . Trista Qualley was too little . She was too little too stay up late . She was too little to hang out with her friends at the mall . She was too little to watch her baby sister , Tobi while Mommy cooked dinner . Mommy smiled at Trista . " I know you love your sister , but your just too little . Go and find Tanya " . Trista bit her lip and frowned Tanya was Trista 's older sister . She was not too little for anything . Trista Qualley was too big . She was too big to stay home all day with Mommy instead of going to school . She was too big to be picked up and carried . She was too big to sleep in Mommy and Daddy 's bed when she had a bad dream at night . " But Tobi gets to sleep with you . " she pouted . " When am I going to get bigger ? " Trista asked . " When am I going to get older ? " That wasn 't really the answer she realized because Tanya was always going to be older than her and get to do things she couldn 't . She was never going to be smaller or younger than Tobi either because she couldn 't grow backwards . Trista sat on her bed feeling sorry for herself . After a while , Mommy came looking for her . " What 's the matter ? " Mommy asked when she saw Trista 's pouty face . " I 'm not your baby . " shouted Trista . " Tobi is your baby . She is little and cute . I 'm not little , and I am not every going to be little again . I am not little . I am not big . I am not anything . " She buried her face in her pillow and cried . Nothing Mommy could do or say would comfort her . " Mom ! " Tanya called from downstairs . " The spaghetti is boiling over . " Mommy got busy making dinner , and she didn 't come back . Finally . Trista had enough of feeling sorry for herself for a while , and she went downstairs to see what was going on . When she got downstairs Tobi was in her high chair . Mommy and Tanya were crawling around on the floor . " What 's going on ? " asked Trista . " Are you playing baby or something ? " Tanya looked up and glared at Trista . " Of course , not . " she said angrily . " We 're looking for Mom 's wedding ring . She can 't find it . " Now , it was Mommy 's turn to give Tanya a look . Then , Mommy smiled at Trista thankfully . " I would appreciate your help . " she said . Trista got down on the floor and started crawling around too . After a few minutes , Tanya shouted . " I see something shiny behind the cabinet . " They all went over to the cabinet and looked . Sure enough , it was Mommy 's wedding ring . Mommy reached for it , but her hand was too big . " I 'll get it , Mom . " said Tanya . She reached for it but her hand was too big too . " I 'll get it , Mommy . " said Trista . Her hand was just the right size . She reached behind the cabinet , pulled out the ring and handed it to Mommy . |
At 16 Karen began to despise her parents and most of her friends . The reason was because she was short , overweight and not at all pretty . Or so she thought . All the other girls at school and around where she lived were slim and sexy and had the boys falling all over themselves everywhere . With her they laughed , made jokes and moved on . When she told her parents about it they said the boys were fools who didn 't know anything . When she sought her teacher 's advice she told her not to worry that : " Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes . You 're an art student . Just look at the nudes of the great painters and you 'll see what I 'm talking about . " That was easy for her to say . She was a woman in her forties but still attractive in a way that turned men 's head when she walked on the street . And it was the same with her mother too . She was also in her forties but still attractive enough to have a man nearly fifteen years younger as a lover that her father or sisters didn 't know about . She tried diets , pills , analysis and even hypnosis . But none of it worked . All they managed to do was make her more aware that she was doomed in that overweight body with breasts so large that they were already starting to sag down towards her stomach . On the beach she would put on her bathing suit and then wrap a towel around herself from under the armpits . She hardly ever went into the water but when she did she would run in quickly then wade in until the water was up to her shoulders . She was a good swimmer . That was the one thing she could do well but no one ever really noticed . But that along with her ability to draw were her two talents , But she knew in her heart of hearts that nobody gave a damn about either one . " The world is full of good swimmers and artists so there 's nothing special about what I can do . " As far as she could see the world and the people she knew were too busy going about their lives and celebrating their beauty . She knew it because she could see it in their eyes and behind their smiles when they talked to her . And because of that she wanted to find a way to spite them and make them pay for being the shits that they were . But try as she may she couldn 't think of a thing that would be appropriate . It bothered her tremendously and frustrated her too . Then one day it came to her . Came to her in what seemed like a flash . There was a man who lived in an abandoned tin shack at the far end of the road from where she lived . The area had been derelict for a long time because it was said that the government would one day be building a school or a park on the property . Several people had lived in that shack for awhile and then it was empty for nearly a year . Then that guy Brewster took up residence in it . He was ex - military somebody said and was a perhaps brain damaged because of it . But no one knew for sure . What they did know is that he was something of a hermit who behaved strangely and went about his business most of the time . He had a beard that he never cut and it was sometimes possible to smell him from a way off . The interesting thing is that he wasn 't that old . He had to be somewhere in his thirties at the most . But because of his state he looked considerably older . When he first arrived some years before he worked in a hardware store and had managed to keep the job for over a year when liquor and his unreliable behavior made it impossible for them to keep him any longer . After that he did odd jobs here and there and often stood on the street with his hand extended looking for handouts . He was in short every parent 's nightmare of what their kid might become . One day after school she saw him on the street and looked into his eyes . He looked back at her and she saw something that she recognized . Resentment and anger and rage maybe . Those were the same things she was sure he could see in her eyes . She thought about it and stopped by to look at him day after day when she knew no one was around . Early one Saturday morning when everyone else was a sleep she took her bike and rode down to where he lived . She knocked on his door and boldly walked in when he opened it . Once inside without a word she just started to undress while he just stood there looking at her . Then went to the ratty looking sofa he had in the corner laid back on it with her legs well apart and gestured for him to join her . He did and that was their first coupling . After that she went there every Saturday morning and each time they embraced it was in a different configuration from the time before . She never said anything and neither did he . They just came together in silence and when it was over she would get dressed and leave , go back home shower and then joined the others in whatever activity they had planned for the day . And all through those activities she would wonder what her mother would say if she knew where she had been ? What would her father or sisters or friends would say if they knew ? It was her joke , of course . But it was a good one on them . Things went on like that for more than a year with no one knowing where she was going on those Saturday mornings . All they knew is that her personality was changing . That she was becoming more outgoing and upbeat . She was whining and complaining less and her art work was getting better and better . Her parents said that she was finally growing up . Her friends said that too . Graduation came and she was an honor student who got a scholarship to a very good Art School in Connecticut . That meant she would be leaving home at the end of the summer . So she savored those last Saturdays with Brewster and even broke their pact of silence by telling him that they wouldn 't be seeing each other anymore because she would be away . He didn 't say anything but she was sure he understood . At school she did well and then went off to Europe to spend some time . When she finally did get back home six years had passed and she considerably different . She was still a bit on the heavy side but she looked filled out and somewhat voluptuous . She had even managed to forget all about Brewster and their time together . Then one day she passed him on the street and looked into his eyes but there was no sign of recognition . And that was just fine with her . She was a different person now and she assumed that he was too . She then moved to Paris where she remained for three years then settled in New York City where she worked for a magazine and a museum . There she met a guy at a party who said he fell in love with her on first sight . They were married shortly after and today are the proud parents of two boys . Brewster remained in the shack until the government sent in a work crew who told him that he would have to leave . They even offered to try and find him another place to stay . But he never responded and the next day when they showed up he was gone . No one knew where he went to . He just disappeared never to be heard from again . The site was turned into a park with lovely walkways and small flower gardens with a charmingly ornate fountain in the center . Almost exactly in the spot where Brewster 's little tin shack used to stand . Someone joking suggested that the call the fountain Brewster 's place and somebody else took the joke seriously . So now there is a small copper colored sign just at the outer rim that says : The Fountain at Brewster 's Place . On occasion now when she returns home Karen goes to the fountain with her kids and looks at the sign . She gets the joke but isn 't sure how many others do . I don 't believe in blackness as a weakness , a race , a state or a condition . I don 't believe in organizations or togetherness . I don 't believe in any kind of gatherings , tribal or otherwise . Are you listening to me ? I don 't believe in God , religion or in creatures from outer space . I don 't believe in fairy tales and scriptures either . I believe in the power of me and the force of who I am . A power and a force that sets me apart from everyone else . That power is mine to share if you will join me . If no , that 's quite alright too . It is a sign of your acceptance . Your surrender to a power that is greater that 's you and me combined … Religion asks you to accept things on faith . They ask you abandon thought and accept their dogma without question or skepticism . I say just the opposite . If you can 't see your way to me based on what is going on in your mind , then you better turn around and leave because I won 't accept you any other way . Come to me . ( She moves closer . ) Remove your clothes . And after you do then remove mine . And after that your initiation will begin . Do you understand ? The first time anybody in here seen the woman was the night she came in with Billy B . the singer from the Randy Boys Band . And his being with her wasn 't any big surprise . You see Billy B was always coming into the place with good looking tourist women . Most of them were American and most , nearly all were white . Once in a while you would see a black one but most of the time they were white . And this one was no different . She had nice looking red hair , good bones in her face and a tight looking body with a proud looking chest pointing right at you . Billy introduced her saying that her name was Vera . She didn 't say anything just smiled and nodded to me and the other boys at the bar . And it wasn 't until later when she excused herself to go to the ladies room that we could get a real good look at the body and the ass that was moving around in those tight fitting white slacks that she was wearing . And after that the only thing anybody could say to Billy was : " Boy I don 't know how you do it but you really know how to find them . Look to me like you gon be doing some sweet riding tonight . " But Billy didn 't say much . He just shook his head and said : " Everything ain 't what it look like . This ain 't just about pleasure . This is more about business . " Then he went on to tell us that the woman was married to a record company executive in the US and she was down here scouting to find talent because Latino and West Indian music was getting big in America . ' So you boys got it all wrong . The woman and I ain 't screwing , we talking business . " And when you come to think of it maybe he was telling the truth because Billy was always talking about leaving the island and becoming a big time singer in New York or Florida or someplace else on the mainland . What he had said was that he was waiting for the right deal to come his way . So who knows , this might be it . Yeah , and we all believed it until late one night some days later one of the fellows said that they saw his car parked off the road by the Old Dutch Windmill and him and Miss Vera was in it hugging and kissing and going even further than that . So who knows if he was lying or telling the truth or maybe a little bit of both . And you can 't say that you can blame him because the way that woman looked a man would have to be next door to a priest not to want to get on that body and feel it moving sweet under him . Now after a while you could see her around town going into stores or the Post Office shopping and buying things . Her regular hang out was the Sandy Bottom Beach Club where she would lie out with in her red bathing suit wearing sunglasses with sun lotion oil all over her shoulders and legs . After a while she would rise and go down to the water , put her toe in to test it then walk in far enough to where she could dive in and come up shaking her head . Then she would swim out a distance but never too far . Then she would turn around and come back in . There were always a lot of people on the beach both local and tourist . But somehow Miss Vera stood out . I think it was because of that shape and also because of the red bathing suit . Miss Vera and Billy B was a thing for about two weeks , which is longer than we were used to seeing him with anybody . Then one night he walked in with into the bar with another woman . When the boys asked what happened to Miss Vera , Billy just smiled that smile of his and said : " Nothing , nothing at all . It was just time to make a change , that 's all . Just time to make a change . " More than a week went by and didn 't anybody see Miss Vera around . But it was known that she was still on the island because she had moved from The Hilton Tropic Hotel where she was staying to the Sea Breeze Motel that was smaller and a whole lot cheaper . A move like that told everybody that she was planning to stay a while which was interesting . Maybe it was true that she was looking for talent for her husband and decided to stay a little longer . One night late she came in with The Mighty Zeus , the calypso singer at the Carib Aires Hotel . They sat at the bar and she smiled at me like we were old friends . Now Zeus wasn 't cool and sophisticated like Billy B . He was with a good looking woman and wanted everybody to know that he wasn 't just there to buy drinks and talk . Minutes after I served them their drinks he took her outside by where the juke box is to dance . And when we peek out you could see he was doing all kinds of things to her with his hands , lifting her dress and squeezing her behind while pressing her closer and closer to him . And she wasn 't doing anything to resist him . In fact it looked like she was going along with it all the way . The hour was late and the outside where they were , was dark but we could see enough just from the light coming from the juke box . Then when the music stopped they went out to the back where all the bushes are . We didn 't hear any noise or anything because the wind was blowing and the juke box was playing another record . But later when Zeus came back into the club he was alone and smiling . He asked for a drink and said that he needed it . ' That woman is an animal , man . A stone cold animal . No matter how much you give her it ain 't ever enough . But I need a break to build up my strength then I 'm going back out there . She ain 't wearing me out . If anybody gon do any wearing out I gon be the one . " They were together for about a week and everybody thought that he was the one who would be getting the record contract . But then he was out and she started coming in with Kenny Bredslowe , the guitar player from the Harris Street Combo . After that it was Big Burt the bass player from the Scratch - Scratch Island Band . Then just when everybody had it figured that she only went out with musicians the woman turned up with Benjy the barman from The Flamingo Hotel . And it was always the same with her and me . I would put up her drink and she would smile at me like we were old friends . And in a way we were . I mean I had seen her with all these guys and it wasn 't any secret with she was doing with them . And although we never spoke much at all it was like we had this understanding between us . What that understanding was I can 't really explain . But it had something to do with all those guys and the fact that she was going through them one at a time . Time was passing and it didn 't look like she was planning on leaving the island anytime soon . She had moved from the Hilton to the Sea Breeze and now she had moved once again . This time to the Seaside Cottages which wasn 't a hotel but a series of little houses and a whole lot cheaper … Nights when she wasn 't with a man she would come into the club by herself , sit at the bar and order a drink . The boys would talk to her , buy her drinks and even ask her for a dance . She never said no . She would go dance with the guy for a bit then come back in to finish her drink . Some even offered to take her home but she would just smile , thank them and explain that she had a car . And always there would be an exchange of smiles between us to indicate that she knew what they were after and could slip the punch without hurting any feelings . After a while all that talk about her being a scout for a record stopped too . It was like everyone forgot all about that . Now she was just another good looking American woman living here for whatever reason and laying up with all the guys . One thing you could never say about Miss Vera at any time was that she was ever dirty or unkempt . Even at those times in the bar when it was clear that she was drunk and her eyes were glassy or her walk unsteady the woman always looked neat and well put together with her hair and makeup just right . How she could hold onto herself like that was interesting . At least I found it so . The other question that was in everybody 's mind after awhile was where she was getting the money to support herself and pay her bills . During this time there had been a few cases of American women and men who had come to the islands for one reason or another and wound up staying longer than they had planned . If they stayed long enough they would wind up broke and having to get a job or in extreme cases begging for money and wind up living on one of the beaches . But this wasn 't the case with Miss Vera . She paid her bills on time , ate out in restaurants regularly and went out to clubs just about every " He must be some kind of idiot . " another one said . " I mean to support a woman just so that she can run around the island laying up with any man she feel like got to be the dumbest thing I know . " And so the talk would go on . The interesting thing about it is because she was such a nice person the talk and gossip about Miss Vera wasn 't as mean or nasty as it usually was about American women who come down here and go through a lot of island boys . In fact for a long time nobody said much even when you did ask . Some would even go so far as to tell you point blank that it wasn 't any of your damn business . But after five months or so word started to leak out . And things hit a peak when Mongo the cab driver said that he saw her with Avery the policeman and Jacquin the busboy messing around together on Plum Beach one night . " That 's right . But she probably won 't admit it because she ain 't gon want anybody knowing that she was there with me at that hour a the night . You see that might lead them to asking what we was doing and she ain 't gon be wanting to answer that . " " A woman like that is like a bitch dog in heat , man . " One of the other fellows said . " After awhile one man ain 't enough so now she got to have two . " " I can 't say anything bad about the woman . I mean she was nice to me and everything . But if you asking about that other thing all I can say is she 's good . More than good , she 's special . That 's all I gon say on that subject . " " A woman like that can 't have one man . One man ain 't gon be enough , I don 't care who he is or how strong either . It got to be at least two or maybe three or even four . With a woman like that you never can tell . We had our thing together and it was nice but I could tell early on that I wasn 't going to be enough . So we end it and that was fine . I got no hard feelings about it . The woman was nice , I 'll say that for her . The woman was real nice to me . " And so it went on and after a while her reputation was in the gutter just like any other American woman who come down here and let herself stick around too long . Still though you couldn 't tell it by looking at her . She was still beautifully dressed and well made up . She still looked spectacular at the beach and she still commanded a certain kind of respect when she came in the bar by herself . The very same fellows who ten minutes before were saying all kinds of low things about her would almost stand at attention and offer to buy her a drink just to have her look their way . And she would , give them a smile and then look at me and almost wink at their silliness . Now I have to say we never became friends in the real sense of the word . It was like everything that passed between us was done through looks and not words . Still for some reason I felt like I knew the woman better than most and I think she felt the same way about me . I mean if there ever was a relationship that didn 't need any words ours was it . And I 'll take that even further . I think that if she had remained on the island any longer she and I might 've gotten together . And I don 't mean just in the bedroom either . We might 've gotten together the way women and men should get together , in our hearts , in our minds and in our souls . But that 's just me talking , or maybe dreaming . Anyway , we 'll never know . One day I woke up and it was all over town that she had been arrested . They said that the police raided the cottage she was staying in and found her naked with two guys along with liquor and drugs . They had been making so much noise that someone called the police to quiet then down not having any idea what was going on in there . The guys weren 't locals . They were two Latinos from South America who were on the island illegally . How they met up and what they were doing was anybody 's guess but at the moment all three were in jail . When I heard about it I went to see her to see if I could help . But they refused to let me . They said that they were in contact with her husband who was on his way down and that his lawyer 's instruction was not to let her speak to anyone but them . That afternoon her husband arrived with three other men . They said that two were lawyers and the third was a doctor . Word had it that she was sick and had to be taken off the island right away . And that 's what they did . That night with whatever arrangeme3nt they made with the Police Miss Vera was released and put on a plane with her husband and those other men . And two days later the two guys she was with were deported as illegal aliens . And that was the end of the story . At least most of it . Guys at the bar talked about her for a little bit and then forgot as time went on and other women arrived and captured our attention in their own unique ways . " Well she 's dead . Killed herself in a hotel room in New York . " The person talking was Billy B . He had been to New York to visit with his sister and he heard the news . " She was living in Connecticut in some institution they say . He husband put her there because they say she had mental problems . Anyway I guess she ran away went into the city , took a hotel room and swallow a bunch of sleeping pills . " " That 's a damn shame . " The fellows in the bar said . " That 's a crying damn shame . She was a nice person and a generous woman too . " They boys ordered a drink and raised a toast to the memory of Miss Vera . I didn 't join them but later I had my own private toast . Not just to her memory but to the memory of what might have been . The sun will go down and it will come up again . And somewhere in that twilight I 'll see the silhouette of her walking along the beach in that red bathing suit lost in her own thoughts going about her own business , whatever that was . He was an old guy that everyone said wouldn 't hurt a fly yet he wound up sitting on the sofa in his living room with his throat cut . The apartment was only a few blocks away from our precinct so Jessie and I got the assignment . We looked over the scene and could see that it wasn 't a robbery . Things were too much in place and there were no signs of a struggle . The first thing we did was clear the room of none essential personnel . The Super told us that he was gay and that on occasion he would see young men coming up to visit him . A look at his photos told us that her was too old to attract them on his own . A look at his checkbook told us that the guy had money so paying wouldn 't have been a problem . Later we asked about friends and family . He was from Michigan but hadn 't lived there for years and years . Whatever family he had was long gone . So he was this old guy with money living in the city who had no friends . There was a bar he went to somebody told us . So we went there and asked around . The help knew him and several customers did too . The general opinion was that he was a regular who came in at a certain time , had a few , paid his bill and always left a good tip . They said that he was always polite and friendly and couldn 't understand why anyone would want to harm him . Then we were pointed to the manager who told us pretty much the same thing except he added that it was because of Austin that he hired a Latino waiter named Jesus . " I took him on as a busboy based on Austin 's recommendation . The guy worked out so well that we made him a waiter in a few months although his English isn 't the best . " " Then one day Austin came in all angry and upset and told me that he had made a big mistake about Jesus . That he found out tat the boy was both illegal and that he was a thief . I told him that I couldn 't fire a guy on his say so . That Jesus was a good worker . " " He didn 't say anything . He just went back to the bar . Tell you what I thought . I thought that they must 've had a lover 's quarrel or something . But to tell you the truth I never figured Jesus as one of them . First of all he 's very religious . And secondly , he 's got a girlfriend . But these days , who the hell can tell . Anyway I spoke to Jesus about it just to give him a heads up . He admitted that he was illegal . But that he was getting it fixed . Him and his girlfriend are planning to get married . About Austin he told me that the guy had him up to his place , propositioned him and when he refused he got mad told him to leave his place . " He had no idea that Austin would try to get him fired as well . " We asked him to point Jesus out to us but he said that Austin was off that day . We then talked to some of the other waiters on the floor and started to get a picture of how Austin operated . He would come in and be very nice to all the staff especially to the new guys . After he got to know them he would slyly proposition them in one way or another . If the guy refused he would just let it pass and never bring the subject up again . One guy told us that he did pick up on the proposal and accepted an invitation to have dinner with the old guy . " I 'm an actor , well aspiring . He told me he had a friend at this big agency and maybe he could introduce us . So I figured what the hell . " ' What happened ? " " We met , had dinner and went back to his apartment and he tried to put the make on me . I told him I wasn 't into that scene . I don 't think that made him happy but he didn 't say anything . , so I left . " " We never talked about it again . When he came in he was friendly as always but the subject never came up . He never mentioned it so I didn 't either . And that was pretty much it for him and I . I 'll tell you though ; there was something kinda creepy about the guy . You didn 't see it when he was out in public . But alone at his place you felt it . " Well so much for " Mr . Nice - guy " who wouldn 't hurt a fly . We found two other bars where he hung out and the stories were pretty much the same . Apparently he would start out in the morning around eleven and by seven that evening he would 've hit each one and spent a considerable amount of time at each . " They come in sit , order and talk to whoever 's around . When they get bored they move to another place and so on . That 's what keeps these bars in the black . It 's customers like Austin . It was turning into a long day so we went back to the station wrote up our report and went home . There was one more person we had to talk to , that was Jesus . We figured that his story would probably be a variation on the same stuff we 'd been hearing . The only difference being that he seemed to be more friendly with Austin than the others . Jesus was there when we got there at ten the next morning . The place opened at eleven so the waiters were all wiping down tables and putting out chairs . The manager called Jesus over and introduced us . Right away the guy looked scared like he wanted to run if he thought he could . We took him to the little outside café they had on the side street for privacy . As we sat down Jessie told him that we weren 't from the Immigration Department and that seemed to relax him a bit . We asked about Austin and he told us that he was sorry to hear that Mr . Austin was dead . " My cousin used to clean his floor . When he couldn 't he told Mr . Austin about me and introduce us . But then Mr . Austin said he had no more work . But that he would find me a job if I would talk to him and be his friend . So I said sure and he got me the job here . We used to meet for dinner every week and everything was good . Then one day I told him that I had a girlfriend and that we was talking about getting marry . I don 't know why but he suddenly get mad . Said to me that I was not grateful to him for getting me the job . That I use him . That I only take but never give . Then he said that I would regret it and for me to get out . Then Mr . Wallace tell me that he tried to get me fired from the job . When he come in I ask him why but he said he didn 't want to talk to me . " We asked where he had been the night before . He said that he was at his girlfriend 's place all night . The girlfriend verified his story and a few people in the area said they saw him leaving her building around eight that next morning . So his alibi checked out . " Nowhere so far . What we know is that the guy was a predator who ran into the wrong prey . But who that was is yet to be discovered . It happens every day in this city . " So that 's what we did . We had other cases that were more pressing . But still it would be nice to stamp CASE CLOSED on this one . There were two of them now , the major and the minor , the older and the younger , the experienced and the inexperienced and they moved all over him with the industry of worker bees . At first he could tell one from the other even when he closed his eyes but after a while things began to blend and suddenly it all began to feel the same . The touches , the urgings , the murmurs and cries , the whisperings and even the laughter , all , all the same . It had been fun at the start but now things had been going on for too long . The night had moved from darkness to early morning dawn and still the train kept moving on . It was like they couldn 't stop or for some reason didn 't want to stop . But he wanted to stop . He wanted a respite , a pause , a break in the action for him to recharge , regroup , reanimate and renew his enthusiasm . " Perhaps they could entertain each other . " He thought but no such luck . They weren 't interested in each other , only him . And that was the way he wanted it when they started . " Be careful what you wish for . " is a warning he 'd heard a long time ago but didn 't really understand what it meant until now . Saint Theresa once said that more tears are shed for answered prayers than any other . He was now finding out what she meant by that too . But there wasn 't much he could do anymore but just lie there and take it . The inmates had taken over the asylum and now madness reigned supreme . It will have to end sometime , he knew . What he was hoping is that it wouldn 't end with his demise . For that 's the way it always is when the prisoners take over the prison or the rebels take over the country . There are always casualties . " What an irony ' , he thought . " To be a victim of my own sensuality . My own sexual excess . " He had been seeing both women separately and got this idea of bringing them together . t took a lot of preparation and a lot of careful planning . But he achieved it . Maybe achieved his objective too well . Too well indeed . To look at them now you wouldn 't think of them as killers . And maybe they don 't think of themselves as killers either . But if they continue like this very soon they might be . Very , very soon . And what could he do about it ? Nothing . Just lie there and wait . She didn 't look like much , at least not now . But in her youth , that is to say in her 20s into her 30 's , she was attractive enough to attract two husbands and her fair share of boyfriends and lovers . But now she was in her mid 40s and after having two children and not taking care of her body she looked pretty much like most of the other plain women one passes on the streets daily . Hair just sort of there , clothing unimaginative and a face lined and anxious with worry about one thing or another and a body that 's slightly overweight and moving further in that direction . I met her through a friend , a woman I was pursuing who was ten years younger and in the full bloom of her womanhood and sexual appeal . A woman who although she was friendly and flirtatious never took my interest seriously because as she put it ; she was saving herself for a " man with money " . And as a poor waiter working in a restaurant I didn 't qualify . Delores told me so that day in the park looking me in the eye when she said it . There was laughter in those eyes but there was something else too . Something I recognized but didn 't acknowledge . There was an offer , or at least the suggestion of an offer . Something that said : " I 'm available , if you 're interested . " Or at least that 's what I thought was being said although no words were spoken . Just a look that was exchanged . I was 28 and full of the arrogance and uncertainty that comes with being young . So I had to think about it and look over my options . It took me close to six to decide ; sure , what the hell . But then it was too late . She wasn 't available anymore . She had taken her children and moved out of the city to parts unknown . I wasn 't sure if I should pursue it further but something inside sort of told me to try it . What have you got to lose ? So I got her address from a mutual friend and sent her a card with a few lines saying hello . What I got back was a two page letter telling all about her life in a small town with an invitation to visit anytime I felt so inclined . A month later I took her up on the invite and was greeted with open arms when I arrived as though we had been long lost lovers before . It was interesting to be in a situation where you didn 't have to wonder what would be coming when the night comes and the lights go out . Just the way she greeted me said that our connection would be consummated soon . That night after dinner when the kids were off to sleep we sat in the living room drinking brandy and listening to Broadway show music . I was on the chair , she sat on the floor . It was the winter season and a light snow was falling outside . Inside she had a fire going in the fireplace . It was providing the only light in the room . Then without an exchange of too many words she worked her way to my chair and put her cheek on my leg , then started stroking me through my slacks . Pleased with the response she was getting she kissed me several times through the fabric before moving her fingers deftly to free me . And once I was free she wasted no time in moving toward her original purpose . The music on the stereo played and then played again as we investigated and explored each other from one angle to the next , from one position to another making all the stops that our imaginations told us we should make . Finally it became time to get off the floor and move into the bedroom . And that 's what we did leaving a trail of clothing behind that would be retrieved early in the morning before the kids wake up . And that 's how it began and that 's how it went for all the time we were together . In the four years of our time with each other she was follower and leader , recipient and initiator . In other words I would select a sexual l path for us to travel and she would come along . But when we got to my destination she would then strike out on a side road I didn 't even know was there . She would beckon me to follow and I would gladly and gratefully . And that path would lead to another and another and sometimes yet another . " Like a circle in a spiral or a wheel within a wheel . " The variety was infinite and each time we got together I knew that I was in for a new adventure . The bedroom , her bedroom was an inner sanctum of fantastic delights . A cave of shadows and light in which dragons and gargoyles showed themselves in flashes and sustained moments of suspension only to then disappear never to be seen again . It was a genuine rollercoaster ride unlike anything I had ever experienced before . And all from a woman who looked so plain and ordinary to the naked eye . Now in spite of her experience she wanted to get married again . I didn 't want to but I said that I would think about it . My reluctance was because of her age . She was too old and I knew it . But that didn 't seem to worry her at all . I was able to stall things out for four months then she took matters in her own hands . She sent me a letter telling me that it wouldn 't be a good idea for me to visit anymore . That we were obviously moving in opposite directions and any more visits would be a waste of time for both of us . I respected her wish and didn 't contact her anymore . I found out later that she is now married an ex Army colonel who has a lot of money but is confined to a wheelchair . I know her to be an honest woman who will know how to keep him contented based on how she was with me . The question in my mind is : Does he know what a treasure he has ? Because I didn 't and it is something I will always regret . When I woke up again three hours had passed and the sun was rising slowly . I turned and she wasn 't in bed anymore . I could hear the radio playing so I got up , took a shower and went into the kitchen to join her . He lip was cut and there was a big red spot on the side of her face . . We stood there for a moment looking at each other without saying anything . Finally I spoke . I said : " I 'm sorry . " I didn 't know what else to say . She stood there for another moment and then came to me and we hugged . There were tears in her eyes , I could feel them wetting my neck as we stood there just holding each other once more in total silence because I didn 't know what else to say . I was ashamed beyond all reason but didn 't have the words to tell her so . So I just kept on holding her saying over and over again : " I 'm sorry , I 'm sorry , I 'm sorry . " We didn 't leave the house for the rest of the day . We just remained together holding each other and talking and listening to music and watching TV and looking at each other and just being close . It was the closest we 'd been in a long , long time . And if I had to pin point at time I would have to say that this was the moment when I fell in love with her . |
My email account was also hacked , probably from the culprit who nicked my laptop . So I can 't even access the emails to get this information , or any emailed submissions . So if you haven 't had a reply to an email , it 's because I haven 't got it . The ship swayed and creaked . He feels every bit of it in his body . Taking no chances the crew , damnedable pirates , have chained him with no give . Legs bound in a kneeling position , arms chained to either wall crucifying him to the ship like a perverse figurehead , he 's been their captive long enough to have forgotten the feel of kindness . It is a small blessing that their fear of him keeps his gag in place at all times . It keeps them from coming anywhere near him . The captain learned a long time ago that he gleans all he needs to live from the moisture in the air , the brine in his eyes . During storms , when he is strongest , the captain posts guards with him . They don 't look at him . A terrible hope fills him today . By the movement of the ship and the crew 's curses , he knows that they 're being pursued by another ship . This ship is a runner , fast . There 'd be little concern of capture if the ship did not gain its quickness from being light , gain its lightness from having little room for armaments or supplies . The pursuers have had them going for a week now and they 'd been out of port for at least a month . He knows from the panic in the crew that the food is all but gone . Soon they 'll be too weak to load what small guns are aboard . He 'd be surprised if they could remember how to sight the cannons it 's been so long since the captain has ordered them used . His hope stems from the pirates ' desperation . If they succumb to practicality then they 'll come for him . With frightened hearts and shaking hands , they 'll undo his chains and he 'll get to spend some time under the sky instead of under foot . So he waits for their desperation to bloom practicality . It does not take long . The first mate comes with three guards and the keys . It is always the first mate that comes to get him . The captain coming himself would make him a person that the captain fears , he wouldn 't last long once that got out among the crew . The first mate is the only one he trusts with the keys to his chains . " The captain wants to see you . " He speaks with a unique accent that comes with the ship 's pidgin of French , Spanish , and Greek . His ears hear the gibberish , but his mind provides him with the meaning . Slowly , they unchain his arms from the ship and secure them behind his back . The guards are afraid to touch him , unsure whether he 'll break or they 'll be infected with something . It strikes him as odd how religious some of these men are . Coming onto the deck , sea spray hits him in the face , covers his bare chest . He instantly feels more alive . He stands taller , muscles flex , the chains bite into his skin . They take him to the captain , standing at the aft of the ship . He stands beside the captain looking out at the wide ocean , the only thing marring their perfect view of the horizon the pursuers . The first mate and guards fold themselves into the three other men standing around them . The captain just stands there for a few minutes , ignoring him . This too is done to show the crew he will do this in his own time , to show that the man he keeps below decks does not frighten him . Around the gag , behind the locked mouth plate , he smiles . Only he and the captain know what he is , and he knows that the captain is frightened of that . " I have use of you . " From under his coat he draws out the key that only he is allowed to keep . He inserts into lock for the face plate . " If you hurt this ship my men will stab you and you will die before you can swim for freedom . Like always , yeah ? " He nods . It 's always the same threat . It vaguely occurs to him that this is only a half life . But then , the spirits would kill for half a life . The plate falls away and he spits the wooden wedge from his mouth . His tongue sticks out , tasting the salt in the air . He flexes his jaw , taking in the blue sky , the white clouds , the gentle waves . He smiles at the captain . Other than the crew 's swords there is very little compelling him . Finally , the captain 's annoyance at the delay shows on his face . He focuses on ship on the horizon . He tries not to think of the men on the ship . He knows he will have to answer for his actions one day , but he 's trying to postpone that day for as long as possible . " I 'm fine . Sorry . " The cabby 's eyes dart from the road to the rearview mirror and back . " I 'm good . I 'm okay . " The cabby 's eyes return to the road and stay there , Lawrence was prepared to keep reassuring him for the rest of the drive as long as he didn 't take his eyes off the road . " That jetlag 's a bitch , isn 't it ? " " Yeah , jetlag . " He doesn 't really feel like talking so he looks out the window . What he sees unsettles him so much that he almost closes his eyes again . Outside the cab desert stretched on for miles . When he 'd met the cabby at the airport he 'd been fine . They 'd been in the middle of a city . He preferred the buildings and people to the endless dry expanse . He tried to think of it as a sea of earth but it just made him queasy . He can 't help it , he closes his eyes . " We 're almost there , " the cabby rouses him . " If I 'd of known I wouldn 't have let you sleep at all . You wouldn 't believe how many people fall asleep in my cab from the airport . " The cabby keeps up a steady stream of chitchat for the next few minutes . Lawrence doesn 't say much , but he 's glad for the distraction . " Here we go , buddy . " He pulls up in front of an independent diner . Lawrence can tell the sign was made with care when it was painted , years in the desert sun has faded it badly . " They got good food here ? " " I don 't know . This is my first time here . " He pays the fare and steps out of the air - conditioned interior . His lips are immediately dry and cracked . The heat cuts him to the core as fast as it dried his lips , the urge to speak rises in him . He needs to escape this heat , he 's drowning in dryness . He rushes inside hoping that they 'll have air - conditioning . No such luck . The interior of the restaurant is as faded as the exterior . He seats himself , impatiently tapping his foot waiting for the waitress . He can hear the sound of the wind . Not the dry , lifeless wind of the desert , but the damp , alive wind of the storm . It 's calling to him , begging him to call out . He licks his lips with a tongue he can barely feel . He can 't help himself , the desert is antithesis for him . Why had he decided to come here ? To satisfy some adolescent curiosity ? He takes one long , shuttering breath . " The special , two of them , just bring me a pitcher of water . " His throat feels so dry . He has to speak now before he loses his chance . " Hmph ! " With blurry vision he watches her flounce back to the kitchen . He grabs the edge of the table to steady himself . He 's clenching his jaw by the time she comes back with a glass for him . He swallows half of it . The cool liquid fills him , calming him . Vision clears , hands stop shaking , the urge lessening . The torrent of wind in his ears shifts to a gentle breeze . How close had he come ? The waitress turns to leave again , he grabs her arm . " Can I get you anything else ? " She says it in such a way that makes Lawrence wonder if it 's actually a question . She tired of him he can tell . She 's too used to bullying the locals . He doesn 't trying to be nice to her , he just takes out a fifty and lays it on the table . " This is your tip if you keep bringing me pitchers of water . " Her eyes gleam slightly as she stares at the bill on the table . Slowly she puts the pitcher on the table . " Thank you . " He drains the rest of his glass and pours another . He finishes this one in three huge gulps . He doesn 't feel as trapped now , his breathing has evened out . He fills the glass a third time , finishing off the pitcher , but only sips this one . A couple minutes pass , the waitress brings his two specials and another pitcher . Lawrence only picks at his food . Between the desert and the age of the equipment in the diner the food is completely dry . Mainly he just cuts up the food and moves it around on his plate . Mainly he watches the people in the restaurant . He immediately discounts his waitress . Seeing her move around the diner , speaking with her , she 's spent most of her life trying to get away from this place . It 's a pity that she 'd never really feel like she belongs anywhere . An old man sits in another booth . He is weathered , his countenance telling the story of a life in the desert . Despite the heat of the day he 's drinking coffee . Lawrence would have considered him a likely candidate if his research didn 't tell him he is looking for someone younger . Besides the old man doesn 't look like he belongs here , only that he 's gotten used to living here . It 's an old style diner setup , so Lawrence can see the cook behind the half wall separating the kitchen from the dining area . Cook would be a wonderful job for who he 's looking for . The heat rising from the stove providing a fix for the cravings while at work . Though nothing compared to the natural heat of the desert it would do while at work . Unfortunately the cook is wearing a sleeveless shirt that 's plastered to his body with sweat . Lawrence 's heart falls . He 's not close enough to the cook to pick up a flow from him , but the fact that he 's sweating tells him all he needs to know . It 's possible his sources were wrong . It 's not easy to track a Bearer . The burden / gift they bear making it too hard to get a fix on them . He 's about to get up , throwing the contents of his glass down his throat , when the kitchen door swings open and a young man steps through . Lawrence puts his cup down and watches him . Something in the way he moves is different . Somehow his movements come off as light , almost bouncy . Even just clearing dishes from tables , his movements are quick , precise . He wears a t - shirt , jeans , and boots , all are cheap , but he still has an air of status . Lawrence notes that he 's not sweating . He looks up , checking for more stray dishes . Lawrence motions him over . " You finished with this , mister ? " Lawrence inhales and catches the scent of aged stone . " Sorry , mister , I 'm just here for the dishes . You 'll want to try Craiper St . around ten tonight . " He grabs a plate , Lawrence grabs his wrist . Sun … Heat … Dry … Sand … Lawrence pulls his hand away , palm red . Perspiration stands out on the young man 's brow now , fear in his eyes . He slides into the booth across from Lawrence . Lawrence pours another glass of water and waits for the boy to say something . " I 'm on break ! " She throws up her hands and goes back into the kitchen . Tito smiles at Lawrence . " Let 's go outside . " Lawrence downs his water and follows him out and around the diner . " I 'm Benjamin Fuller , but everyone calls me , Tito . Now who the hell are you ? " It 's a fair question . If he doesn 't know what he is then he 's probably really freaked out . Lawrence can 't blame him , he 's been there . " Ha , not likely , man . " Tito looks skeptical , very skeptical . There 's at least fifteen years between them . And while Tito isn 't a full blooded Mexican , Lawrence can tell at least one of his parents is , while Lawrence couldn 't be more white without being an albino . It 's hard to believe . " I don 't mean biologically . I mean spiritually . " Tito 's face is instantly serious . " You can feel it , can 't you ? That subtle , tickling at the back of your brain that makes you feel like you know me , even while at your core I unsettle you . " " Yes . " Tito looks so relieved that it breaks Lawrence 's heart . He knows what it 's like to finally have this explained . Lawrence had spent three years in a mental hospital trying to deal by himself . Tito is a strong young man . " Where is there open desert ? " Tito points down an alley . Lawrence starts walking , Tito doesn 't need to be told to follow , he falls into step next to Lawrence careful not to touch him . They come out the other end of the alley seeing open land . For Lawrence it 's as close to nothing as he ever wants to get . Longing fills Tito 's eyes . " I want to share something with you . Watch out there . " Lawrence takes a deep breath and centers himself . The urge to speak has been growing since they stepped out of the diner , the dryness creeping in to all his dark places . Tito 's hands fly up to cover his ears . " Ah ! What the hell ? " FLASH ! BOOM ! The thunder cuts off any further curses . Tito 's gaze is drawn out to the desert , where black storm clouds have formed out of nowhere . The fear is back in his eyes , he retreats till his back hits the wall to the building . " What have you done ? " " I spoke my Word . We 're Word Bearers , Tito . You have your own . Can you feel it ? Deep in core . " Lawrence can see he 's confused . He 's frightened , overwhelmed . FLASHBOOM ! " You can stop this , Tito . Go ahead . Say your Word . I want to hear it . " " I don 't … I 'm not sure . " Confusion and fear war on Tito 's face . Lawrence hopes he won 't run . He didn 't mean to scare the boy . " Of course you 're sure . You 've known it for centuries , you just haven 't spoken it yet . It 's okay . I 'm here with you . " His first step is hesitant , his second is firm , his third is confident . Lawrence realizes he 's holding his breath . Tito looks up at him , he nods . Tito fixes his gaze on the storm . " " There it is . It 's as quiet as Lawrence 's Word is loud , but no less powerful . It 's so beautiful . As Lawrence watches the storm clouds dissipate a tear rolls down his cheek . 2 Dad suffered even from a sight of blood , and he never killed a hen nor slaughtered a pig . But I was aware that once he had donated his blood in the name of my Mum still , because she 'd had a narrow escape on an operating table then . With me a doctor would have my blood tested in a moment : one , two and it 's done . But first they make you ready for rather a time : take a seat , then have a proper finger chosen , though it is always just the one , then they wipe it with spirits until take somewhat sharp like a mini - scalpel . Not everyone can stand the procedure , but I was not against it when a doctor suggested me having my blood tested . She was a likable one , youngish for her age , not married or divorced , probably . And she had no child , I felt it immediately , she had such a look , barren if you want . Possibly for health reasons she could not bear a child or she didn 't find a right man . Or she could have a particular blood group not to have a child with anyone , that 's why she employed at a doctor 's consulting room to make blood tests . And she urged me to have my blood tested . At first I didn 't mind it , the right thing it is , still she didn 't ask my permission . " Just let 's have your blood tested " , she said and left me . She had many things to do I suppose . In doctor 's smocks they walked hither and thither all the time at a clinic there talking over the heads of those waiting , as if one was dead already . And I was still alive and a nurse was preparing to have my blood tested . While she got me ready she was chattering . She said that men were afraid of blood testing nowadays . More and more they refused to do it and ran away sometimes seeing a drop of blood . And one had nothing to fear , there was a couch behind the curtain in a special emergency to lie low , in case one fainted . She pulled the white curtain aside and showed me a couch with dark green leatherette and I shivered all at once : what for they needed my blood ? She suggested me taking off a jacket and rolling up my sleeve , left or right one , I don 't rMy Bio : Mr . Valery Petrovskiy is a journalist and short story writer from Russia . Не is an English Department graduate at Chuvash State University , Cheboksary , graduated in journalism at VKSch Higher School , Moscow and in psychology at Kazan State Technology University . He has been writing prose since 2005 . Some of his writing has been published in The Scrambler , Rusty Typer , BRICKrethoric , NAP Magazine , Literary Burlesque , The Other Room , Curbside Quotidian , DANSE MACABRE , WidowMoon Press , PRIME MINCER , Apocrypha and Abstractions , The Legendary in the USA , and in Australian " Skive " and " Going Down Swinging " magazines . At the moment he is writer - in - residence at Marco Polo Art Mag . It 's dark in here . That 's because I live at the bottom of the jewellery box along with the other outcasts : the tangled necklace with the broken lobster claw and teddy pendant she got for her eleventh birthday , along with the bracelet that 's missing a couple of gem stones . She always says she will have them repaired but never does , preferring to spend the money on more fashionable pieces instead that imitate Asian and Oriental designs . An untrained eye might imagine that they were found by a back - packer on their travels , but they weren 't . They can be bought from any shop on the high - street , and are merely echoes of worlds she 's never seen . Not all of us down here are broken though . I 'm not , and neither is the engagement ring she got from Mark , ( who eventually cheated on her with Shannon from Reception , ) or the belly bar she took out when she put weight on and decided looked too young for her anyway . The ones at the top who get worn more often pity us , ( ' how boring it must be , ' they say to each other in whispers they think we can 't hear , ' being cooped up down there , month in , month out , ' ) but in a way they 're jealous . As I 've said , you could buy them in their hundreds if you wanted to , and they are without sentimental value like the childhood necklace or the belly bar that reminds her of her wild teens and early twenties . They 're easily replaced and she gives them away when they become outdated - or chucks them if even her younger sister and the charity shops say no , thanks . She doesn 't like Mark 's ring or me , so it isn 't often that her fingers dig through the chunky bangles and strings of beads to bring me to the surface . It happens maybe three or four times a year when she has arranged to visit The Matriarch . The ring doesn 't even get a look in . Why Mark wouldn 't let her give it back to him so that he could give it to someone he did love is beyond us ; at least that way it would have been enjoyed . All the same , seeing as I 'm an heirloom and the ring is eighteen carat white goPerhaps you imagine I get bitter when the voices of the favoured ones float above my head , chattering away about their ventures out of the box : days at work , dinners , dates , parties and who was there , who wasn 't there , what she wore … you get the drift . Or worse , maybe you feel sorry for me . I 'd rather you didn 't . Pity the rest but not me . I 'm not so keen on their weight pressing down on me but I don 't mind the dark . In fact I quite like it . It reminds me of home , my real one , from before I met people . As for being bitter , you can rule that out . I 'm a pearl , darling ; it 's not in my nature . You lot have seen me as a symbol of love for thousands of years and I do try to live up to my name by being kind - although I cannot help but wince sometimes at the irony , given that the first person I ever met died . Don 't look at me like that ; it wasn 't my fault . But that 's why she doesn 't like me . All the same , when you 've being kept in a family for over a century you do take an interest in your present owner , even if it 's not reciprocated , so I enjoy listening to the young ones ' gossip . Let them have their fun while they still can . The best they can hope for is a place in a child 's dressing - up box in just a few , short years so they might as well enjoy it . 2 . Memories . I might be old - fashioned and be from a past that she and you would rather forget , but I 'm not like your kind . I will endure and outlive the others , her - even you . And I never forget . My memory doesn 't grow weak with age , it gets stronger . I can still smell what my home was like ; still feel the movements of the person who found me when he panicked and rushed too quickly to the top , and the urgent , grasping hand of the first , but different person to ever touch me , as though I 'd only stopped smelling and feeling them a minute ago . The memories of my owners and the events in their lives play like the films you are so fond of ; the moment when her grandfather proposed to her grandmother , and the christening of her mother , they are a3 . Before she grew up . I suppose you think it strange that her grandmother , ( or The Matriarch as she jokingly calls her , ) skipped a generation and gave me to someone who doesn 't like me , but it never used to be this way . When she was little and used to visit her grandmother she would ask , ( very politely after giving her a peck on the cheek , ) if she could play with her jewellery box . The answer was always yes , and she would very carefully hunt through the diamonds and gold to find me , pin me to her jumper and wear me for the rest of the time she was there . It became something of a ritual , to the point where her grandmother began to pick me out herself and would put me on the coffee table ready for when she arrived . When she was eighteen , The Matriarch had a heart attack , and fearing that she would never leave hospital , insisted on the girl 's mother driving for two hours to get me , so that she could give me to her personally before it was too late . They were very close , and still are in spite of the distance , for she survived against all the odds . Whenever she goes to see her she always comments on how lovely it is , seeing her granddaughter all grown up , wearing her old brooch that 's always been her favourite . And I was for a time . Traditionally I was only worn for a special or significant occasion , but when she was at college I had the strange but enjoyable experience of being put in her pocket and going with her , and if she felt nervous about something her fingers would slide down to stroke me . Normally I hated people manhandling me , but I didn 't mind in her case - it was better than her biting her nails . It was almost as if she thought that having me with her would stop something bad happening - and I have been viewed as ' lucky . ' Stop sniggering , it 's true . In the days of knights and sword - fighting , we would be worn when the rich and noble went into battle because they thought we would protect them from harm , so don 't laugh at her . It felt good , being wanted , and I have to confess I came in danger You don 't like being reminded of your past - those days of glory when Britain ruled half the world . I think that 's why you apologise so much , and give more than you can afford to charities trying to save the poor and starving around the globe . It 's almost as though you 're trying to make up for all the wrongs done before you were born . And I 've tried to avoid talking about it in case you ran away - I get lonely sometimes and it 's nice having someone to talk to . But you can 't run forever , things have to be faced eventually . Some of you may already know and may already be trying to shut out the sound of my words by turning your thoughts to the plans you 've made for the weekend , but there 'll be a lot of you who don 't . There are lots of happy anecdotes from my owners ' lives I could have told you but this is the one you need to hear : My story . We are not like your kind , but there is one thing we have in common : just as you can 't remember coming out of the womb , we don 't know what it was like being a grain of sand or piece of shell squeezing our way inside an oyster and hardening ; all I remember is being . There were no thoughts , for when you live inside a shell there isn 't a great deal to think about - nothing happens . That probably sounds dull to you but there was no sadness , no pain or death . It was peaceful , just being . I didn 't know this at the time but even nothing has to come to an end eventually : the day would always have come when I would be found . It will be hard for you to understand what it was like being taken out of water , hearing sounds , seeing colours and light - all for the first time . On paper it sounds great , this explosion of life , but the reality was frightening - and even fear was something I had never heard of or felt before . Maybe that 's why your newborns usually cry when they come out , because they 're scared and want to go back . I 'm trying to think of ways to describe how it was to you , and the only way I can think of is for you to imagine an ancient Egyptian being placed in the middle of a supermarket . That might give you a better idea , but even that doesn 't come close . I 've learnt a lot since then - ( I 've had to , I didn 't have any other choice - ) but there 's one thing I 've never been able to get my head around , and that is time . Your lives are ruled by clocks and diaries telling you when deadlines or birthdays are due , but when you have so much time whole years , even decades can pass you by . Forgive me then , if I am a little hazy on dates . What I can tell you is that I was brought to the surface in the late 1800s , which makes me special . There aren 't many of us that come from nature now . Most are made by man in bulk on farms . Things changed . You suddenly became concerned about human life and diving equipment got better . Both meant that the world 's poor no were no longer forced to hold their breaths for comments » I knew that someone important was going to walk into my life at 12 : 15 , just after I normally drink tea and prepare for an slow day working on the horoscope . Now , maybe you might not believe me . After all , I am a professional charlatan . But I knew something was up , because for the last two weeks every prediction I have made actually worked out . It started when I saw Mrs Henderson . She was a fat woman , an unpleasant woman , a great client . Like most people who wanted a reading , she didn 't want the truth . And normally I didn 't give it to her . I pulled out the equipment . It was a plain set . It looked like bone china , but was made in china for a very low price . Mrs Henderson looked impressed anyway . She had a lot of money , and not a lot of sense . Anyway , I started reading the information contained in the tea leafs . And then the world went blank . When I returned to the world , Mrs Henderson was gone . I walked out of the shop I had rented , and another of the shopkeepers came up to me . He was normally an quiet , amicable chap . This time he looked like he wanted to throttle me . " She came out of here . Howling and crying , like you 'd tried to kill her . " he put his face up to mine , " You ever do it again and I 'll . . " " I don 't know what you 're talking about , " and I backed away from him . He stalked off . I walked back to my shop , ready to wait for my next appointment . Mrs Abbot didn 't come . She left a nervous message on my answer phone . At the time I didn 't realise why . Because I had no other clients for the day , I went home . My mouth opened wide . It was such a shock , it seemed like I 'd just been told I was about to die . And then . Then I was in my bed , looking at the ceiling . The police officers had gone . But it felt more real than a dream . It must have been a dream . Yeah , that was what it was , I convinced myself . Although I should have known better . In Ireland you can make a full time living as a psychic . less so in England . The English wouldn 't even pay you if you could predict the lottery . So I also work as a pitchman . Which , if you think about it , is just another way to make a dishonest buck . I walked to the nearest boot sale , and set up . It isn 't too crowded in the morning . And everyone is busy . So I crawl in through the hedge . They don 't know that I 'm there against the rules . I set up . My table is old fashioned . A suitcase with legs you fold out . Like the true pitchmen of the 50 's . My pitch is the worm . They wiggle around my hand , like they are alive . The fools in the crowd gave me money . That is what they are for . She had the longest blondest hair this side of fairyland , and her smile lights up the room like a flashlight . And I knew I am meant to talk to her . Just now . She walked off . I had the sense she is in trouble . She was poorer than she used to be , her clothes were expensive , but last years fashion . I had a feeling I will meet her again . When I got there , there was Mrs Henderson and her husband . Their eyes were red . They had been crying . I couldn 't understand what they were there for . I managed to get them to leave . At first I thought that the gossip would help me . But the truth is , no one wants to go to a psychic that tells them the truth . Life is hard enough . You go to a psychic to hear lies . I made some money as a pitchman , so it didn 't affect me too much . But I kept on having bad dreams . I kept on seeing people I knew in them . Not just that , I saw how they died . Their pain . And I started to write down what I saw . In a book by my bedside cabinet . The extra time I had meant I was drinking more too . It was like I 'd been cursed . But the worst was the Christians . They decided that these dreams were inspired by Satan . They set up the picket line in front of my office . I started to think I should simply leave . On Wednesday , the cleaner came in . She was a nosy parker . And no mistake . Her husband had died a few years back , and she was interested in everything . While it 's not the way she put it , she was very interested in the diary . All the details of the different murders and deaths I 'd seen . All the factual details that no one else other than the murderer could know . She took it to the police , and they read it , and they got their warrant . I arrived back at the normal time , and nothing was different . The book was there . I didn 't notice the surveillance cameras . Not at all . They broke in that night . It wasn 't a dream . And I looked up to them bleary eyed , a gun pointing in my face , and swore . They dragged me towards the back of the car , and I noticed someone had decided to give the press warning . So it was very public . Once in , they took me right there . And kitted me out in fetching jail clothing , since I was still in pyjamas . This was the first time I was in jail , and I can tell you it is not as bad as some people say . There is an odd vinegar smell , hiding other bodily fluids . And it is never quiet . There is always shouting going on , and doors slammed . But it was no worse than some hotels I 've been in while performing . I looked across at my lawyer . Short , thin , balding and bored . The police officer had my diary in front of him . He picked it up . " In it , you 've got the details of dozens of murders . Information the police hasn 't released to the public . Information . . . dare I say it , in some cases that the police didn 't even know themselves . " And that was it . That was the full content of the interview . I was hustled off into the cell , and ended up waiting for days . In telephone conversations with friends , I knew the police were digging up my life . I was given a notebook , and a pen , and I continued to write down my dreams . I thought I might as well . The police would search my cell every now and again , and confiscate them . They even moved me to solitary . Made sure no one could be feeding me this information . Or , presumably , that I wasn 't ordering the killings . But the dreams continued . They were getting worse and worse . Every morning I woke up feeling like I had not slept . I guess at least things looked up , because they took me from prison . They drove me along country lanes , towards a building . I can 't tell you precisely where it was . It just looked like an old school to be honest . You 'd never have guessed it was an intelligence headquarters . They bundled me out into an empty building . You 've heard of the secret prisons . Well , they are true . They dressed me up in a uniform , tagged my ankle , and locked me in a cage . The only thing they gave me was some paper and a pen to write down my dreams . Sometimes people came to research me . They put me in scanners , and gave me all kinds of medical tests . The results were unsurprising . I was just a normal , healthy individual . And that was how it seemed I was destined to live for the rest of my life . Until I started to hear the voices . They were low . Just like someone was talking in the next room . Distant . And I couldn 't make them out . That night I was tossing and turning , and I heard someone shout out my name . I woke up . No one was there . Then I tried to get asleep again , and managed it . But the voice was insistent . Nothing answered me . The guards walked past my cell . But with the dreams and the voices , I was getting no sleep . It started to affect me so badly I would not even eat food . Within a few days I was exhausted . Mentally and physically drained . And I guess that is what the creatures wanted . Because soon they broke through . It 's hard to tell you how it felt . But if you have ever had a moment of shock , when you suddenly feel like you aren 't there , you 'll know . He said his name . And then the voice faded away . But I knew I had to do precisely what he told me . I 'd go mad otherwise . Maybe I was already mad . The opportunity came sooner than I expected . My handlers were getting anxious . I was producing less predictions than normal , and the federal conviction rate was plummeting through the floor . The handlers looked like model citizens . Dark suits , a man and a woman dressed formally , like they were lawyers . They flashed their badge to me . I don 't know why , the fact I was in a prison gave them away . The police officer fell back . You could see him working it through in his mind . Despite the success of my predictions , he settled on the conclusion I was mad . After all , psychic phenomena were impossible . He 'd read that once . I shook my head . But that night , I was thinking about it , and decided that I had to ask . Had to have a conversation , if only for my sanity . When the voices started up , I leaned forward in my bed . I asked the question again . But he would say nothing of use to me . he would only repeatedly ask me to find his killers . Not very useful . Eventually , I managed to coax his name from him . Nigel . Not a very good name for a joke . That was the strange thing . No murder victims of that name came up . Not any time soon . But a week later , a Nigel disappeared . And I realised the truth . I looked through the court reports . He had been killed by stabbing . They wouldn 't let me out of the jail . So all I could do was read the files they brought on him . And I got the feeling that many of the details had been redacted . it was like looking for a haystack in an elephant : messy and not very satisfactory . There were only two people I decided who could have done it . They both had a great deal to gain . At the end of the day , though , there is a limit to what you can do from inside a jail cell . The guards looked sceptically at me when I asked for it . But I was responsible for half the murder arrests in the district for the last six months . So they eventually gave me what I wanted . Especially when I refused to furnish them with any more information . I don 't know if you have ever been to a proper séance . Well , to be honest , most of the time the knocks are from the medium . But this time it was different . Within moments of the séance starting , I was aware that the room was colder . Then the entire board lifted off the table , and flew towards me . It hit the wall a few inches from my face . The room warmed up again . The presence was gone . For a little while . " I didn 't " I replied . I knew that he didn 't believe me . But he would have to show more senior people . And I knew they couldn 't afford to risk me . I went back to bed . For the first time in weeks , I had no bad dreams . I guess Nigel knew I understood his message . I slept very soundly . Until the next morning . But my guards didn 't really understand . Or they did not want to understand . My handler met me in the interview room the next morning . He looked tired . Besides him sat a man I hadn 't seen before . He wore the cleanest , most expensive suit I had seen during my stay at the states pleasure . The man stood up . He walked out of the room . Measured , and without menace . But he didn 't seem to be a man used to dealing with no . My handler shook his head . He didn 't need to tell me the consequences . All of a sudden , I was put on suicide watch . Woken up every thirty minutes to see if I wasn 't dead yet . The heating in my cell surprisingly broke . I knew I was in their hands totally . But I never realised what it was like to displease them . You see , Nigel might be a ghost , but that doesn 't mean he is stupid . He can see what is happening . He knows they are stopping me doing what he wants . And this gets him angry . They first times he acted , it looked like coincidence . The guards chair would tilt under him , depositing him on the floor . Or cups of coffee were not placed firmly enough on the table . The guards were spooked by me . They knew that I was able to see things they could not . But although the guards face became pale , his hand on the trigger was steady and firm . It was too late . The chair slammed into the guard . He dropped to the floor . Then I saw the guards keys float from his pocket . My cell door was unlocked . I walked over to the guard , stripped his clothes off , and changed into his uniform . I thought I didn 't have much of a choice . If I didn 't do what Nigel wanted he would kill me . Every door I came to slid open without me doing anything . It would have been creepy if I didn 't know what was happening . Soon the alarms started to ring out . People would be grabbing their guns , getting ready to shoot me . I could feel my heart trying to escape from my chest . I soon arrived at fire exit . It opened in front of me . I climbed down some steps . Below me , I could see coppers swarming . I continued to walk down . One of the coppers recognised me . I ran in the opposite direction . He took aim , and I could hear the gun explode behind me . But the bullet didn 't pierce my skin like I expected . Instead , it ended in the ground . I reached a police car , and the engine came on without anyone doing anything . Then I went into a store and bought black trousers and a white shirt . Got changed . And walked out of the shopping centre , expecting to be caught at any time . In my pocket there was five hundred dollars . That was all I had in the world , except for an insane ghost . I decided it was time to go to the library . After chatting to the librarian for a few seconds , she walked me over to a computer which had copies of the local papers for the last twenty years . I typed a search . At first I found nothing , but as I expanded the search back I found him . According to the interview , he was found murdered in his bed . He had been asleep . His wife had been charged and convicted of his murder . But she said she was innocent . Nothing came in response . I knew that would happen . It was too much to hope for . It was getting late at night . The librarian was fussing near me . It was time to go . When you are a fugitive , it isn 't as simple to find a place to stay as booking a room in a hotel . I walked round , looking for an empty house . It took me an hour . Occasionally a police car would go past . It made me nervous . At one time it would have been a posh bungalow . But whoever had owned it had been taken to a care home , and it was covered in weeds and neglect . I walked up to the door , and it swings open . That is one of the advantages of your own private poltergeist . Inside it was a mess . But dry and water proof . There was a wood burning stove in one room . The power was off , and Nigel didn 't turn it on . But the water was only off at the mains . It was easy enough to get it working again . In the morning I would have to start the process of searching for Nigel Slater . I knew roughly where he lived . I fell asleep , and woke up hungry and cramped . Outside , I could hear rustling . I peeked through the window , and could see a man dressed only in black . He looked like he was not very friendly . I ducked down , but he must have seen me . He edged towards the door . It was locked , but he slammed it open . I hid behind the sofa . it didn 't help . He walked towards me . I noticed he had a poker in his hand . There was no way he wouldn 't find me . I stood up . I looked over at him . He had a long scar down his face . it seemed like he was used to trouble . And he was straining to start a fight . I did what he said . He followed me . I thought he might hit me at any second . or recognise me . They must have put my picture out into the news by now . I sighed with relief , but knew that my location might be passed onto the police . I decided it was time to get out of the town . I caught a bus , and tried to hide my face . Since I hadn 't had a bath for a few days it was easier than you might think . People did not want to look me in the eyes . I arrived at Nigel 's house six hours latter . It was a solemn house . A plane front garden laid to grass , brick frontage , and white windows . It didn 't look like anyone had ever cared for it . It looked like it was a place to sleep and not to stay . It took me a few minutes to settle down , and watch the street . There was nothing extraordinary about it . A few people walked past , taking little interest in the stranger . After watching for half an hour , I knew there was little information here for me . Talking round the local shops I found out that Nigel had been a quiet man . Few people knew him , past his saying hello . he didn 't seem to have been involved in anything wrong . or indeed in anything at all . I decided that there could only really have been one source of trouble . He must have found out something at work . Something that made him worth more to someone dead than alive . I got some annual reports from his company and studied them . Amazing what is available on the internet these days . There was little of interest . I applied to work at Nigel 's company as a cleaner . it was a big risk . I supplied false references , and knew they would not check them for months . That 's the thing about cleaners . No one takes any notice . So I got the job , and examined the work place thoroughly . It looked like an office . The computers were always on . Once or twice I looked over the shoulder of someone working but it was all gobbledygook to me . To make it worse , I saw my face on the newspaper when I went for food . Sure , I looked a lot different now . I had grown longer hair , a beard , and was thinner . But it was still me . I grew suspicious of other people . Then came my big break . Several people were working in the office late . I overhead them speaking about a billion dollar deal . The company was getting bought out . I checked the internet , and there was something in the trade section . The routine was the same every day . But one of my colleagues had not turned up to work . So I was asked to clean the main office . I did so . But I did more than that , I broke into the file cabinets , and started reading company secrets . But that didn 't save me for long . The next day I arrived at work a few minutes earlier . Something told me that things were wrong . The security guard on the gate was new . He told me to go out to the bosses office . I walked into a small lab , and looked around . There was a window , and I tried to open it . In the distance I could see five police cars . The window wouldn 't open . There was only one way out . And I knew that by now , there would be police officers between me and the door . I looked round to find a chair . Then used it to break the window . The alarm went , and I slid through the empty hole . But I caught my shoulder on a shard of glass . I was bleeding . The police gave up their pretence . Dozens of sirens started up , heading towards the building . I ran through a green space . I knew that there was only one way out of the compound except the front gate . A hole in the fence I had noticed a few days earlier . But over head their was a helicopter . Although I ran like the wind , it wasn 't enough . I could hear the police men getting closer and closer . I turned around and saw two police officers . They both had guns pointed at me . I raised my hands , and they soon had me on the ground . I arrived at my destination a few hours latter . This time they were taking no chances . I arrived at a super maximum prison . Surrounded by barbed wire , dogs , and armed police officers it was obvious I 'd never get out . The next day the interrogation began . Again and Again . Asking me where I had gone . What I had done . I eventually broke down and told them everything . But that didn 't stop them continuing . Maybe what they were doing was no crime . But it was a form of torture . Eventually , the interrogations stopped . They gave me paper . They wanted to go back to how it used to be . But by that time I had got so angry , even when I did have a dream I kept it to myself . I wasn 't there . So all I can do is repeat the report that was made to me . No guarantee it is what happened . Apparently the director of the FBI had been having an extramarital affair . He was in bed that normal , and engaging in exercise at the same time . This was not expected , but what was even more unexpected was the windows opening wide . And the explosions of a gun . The director of the FBI 's gun . But I do know that it made the national news . The assistant director of the FBI resigned . And , to be frank , most of the people in the FBI did not care much about that . But it was fair warning . He didn 't seem to be exactly happy about what had happened . In fact , he stormed in to the visiting room , and let loose a barrage of swear words . I sat there passively , listening to him . When he calmed down sufficiently , he sat down . " Nigel was right . All he wants is his murderer found . But he isn 't going to stop . Not until that is done . Not even if he has to kill someone else to do it . " " No . I am not . Nigel is a threat to you . If you stand in the way , that is . He is a ghost . What can you do to get rid of him ? " The director of the FBI thought for a few seconds . An hour latter , a priest turned up with bell , book and candle . it didn 't work spectacularly . The power went off , the candle blew out , the bell rang , and the book was thrown across the room . The director gestured to the mirror and two toughs walked in . They carried some rope . They tied me to the chair , and lifted a cosh over their heads . Then all hell broke lose . The cosh swung back by itself . it raised into the air , and came down , laying out one of the thugs . The other caught me a glancing blow , but something unseen lifted him from the floor and threw him against the wall . " You have a choice . Director . Help find Nigel 's killer . Or , I think , Nigel will chase you down and gut you like a fish . " Eventually the Director settled down again . He sat in his chair , silently looking at me . I wasn 't a pretty picture . Thin , and in prison coveralls . I must have looked like a real criminal . They let me go that afternoon . Put me in a suit , and told me I was seconded to the FBI . I was even given my own agent . He was tall , thin , and looked every inch the government man . The agent shook his head . He gave nothing away . That was when I knew he wasn 't sent to help me . Just to keep an eye out on me . Nevertheless , I decided that I could use him . Like he wanted to use me . I looked over to him , and told him to get a warrant . We were going to search Nigel 's company . And read every damn bit of paper they had about Sigma . When we arrived at the door , they had their lawyer sorted out already . Someone must have leaked it . He looked like he had cost a lot of money . " I 'm afraid we have the right not to incriminate ourselves . We are asserting that right . Both as a company , and as individuals . So , no , you can ask any questions but we will not answer them . " I was surprised when I found the clue . It was something no one else would have noticed . A single envelope in the bin . It contained an address . I think Nigel must have been helping me . I was drawn to it . But the thing I noticed was the fact the address had a Sigma stamp . Once we were out of the building , I decided to break away from the FBI agent . I knew some things would work better on my own . it was easier said than done . When I tried to go for a walk that night , he insisted on staying right by me . Getting to the address was difficult . I didn 't have a car , I had to take the bus . Most of the journey there wasn 't even that . And it had began to rain . I must have looked odd , walking around town that late at night , soaked . In fact , I surprised no copper stopped me . " Good enough , " I said . Knowing I was lying as I said it . It wasn 't like it was my strong point . The expression on the coppers face showed he thought not either . He stood there behind me his mouth opened , as I shimmied the lock . it opened . I walked in . This was a mistake , I didn 't notice the small CCTV camera , the camera that was hidden in a plug socket . But it was sending my picture right up to the security office . I worked quickly , going up the stairs to the office . I don 't know what I had expected to see . But what I did see looked just like any other office . Even down to the half drunk cup of coffee . I woke up in the boot of a car . I could feel the engine running , and smell burning petrol . It was pick black . The car started off , bumping along the ground . Hitting me from side to side . My hands were tied behind my back . It was lucky I knew a little magic . I got the knot loose without much effort . Then I grovelled around the car to find something , anything that could help me . There was a wrench , which I picked up . I put the rope around my wrists , hiding the fact I was loose . And put the wrench in my pocket . The boot of the car swung open . One of the security guards lifted me out of the boot . He was covered in muscle . My mouth opened wide . That was the last thing I expected to hear . They marched me along the ground and I saw him for the first time . Nigel . Alive . Then the room went strange . Something turned the lights off , and opened the windows . It even raised a chair off the ground . The security guard looked worried for the first time . " For the last month , I have been searching for the person who killed Nigel Slater . You , sir , are Nigel Slater . But it seems your ghost hasn 't got the information you are alive . " But it didn 't work . By the time that the ambulance arrived , Nigel was in a deep coma . It took only a short time after that until the first homicide detective got there . But the truth is , it was fate . No ones fault . Except the murderer . After all , how can Nigel Slater 's ghost come into my dreams unless he is actually killed ? What happened next surprised me . The cops arrested me . Told me I was being held on suspicion of murder . I told them not to be idiots , but they wrote it in their notebooks and not their minds . By that point the clues would be getting stale , so I drove right to the company . But they wouldn 't let me in . it was a police investigation , they said . No dice . I called the FBI agent and asked him to run the full scan on Slater . By the time he had finished I would know every single family member . And all I had to do was interview them . The only clue left to me was Sigma . The company was closed for a few hours , but the managing director wasn 't . Again the FBI came to my rescue . They had the address , and I wasn 't afraid to use it . We walked up the garden path . It wasn 't the most luxurious house that a managing director had ever lived at . But I knocked on the door anyway . I walked in . Behold , the group was all there . The director of the FBI himself . The attorney general . And a four star general . I could feel the back of my assistant straightening up . The Managing Director pressed a button on the TV . It switched on . Nigel Slater 's office . I saw him pick up his glass . Put the chemicals in it . The MD fast forwarded . Nigel killed himself . " Oil . We got him to produce computer models . All the oil reserves . He was so great . . . well , he could produce a program that told us exactly where oil was , just from satellite images . " Just at that moment a dozen armed guards came into the room . Their guns were pointed right at me . I raised my hands , and was soon plunged into the carpet . They searched me . Didn 't find anything interesting . " Yeah . But I don 't think you did it . I don 't think you were that smart . But I don 't know what this being who calls himself Nigel Slater is , " I didn 't struggle . By now , them putting handcuffs on me was almost routine . I just wish I had been able to continue my life as a charlatan . I didn 't know what to say to that . it was true . it was obvious when you think about it . Nigel had told me he was murdered when he was still alive . but no one ever said the soul was bound to the arrow of time . Within a few minutes we had picked up an escort . From what I could tell , they had closed the road down . Only we were travelling that evening . I gulped . It looked like things were just about to head for the worse . The trip to the Whitehouse was the most fraught I had experienced in my life . The director of the FBI was reading faxes and emails in the car . His face was getting more and more pale . " I guess like the English did in WWII . With disinformation . We need to get an Chinese agent and feed him bad info . And I guess Nigel might be your best hope for that . " I guess the FBI director caught on quickly . Because he could go anywhere , Nigel could listen to the Chinese chatter . He could find Chinese agents . Maybe he didn 't know Chinese , but he knew enough to listen in to the English language conversations . It wasn 't a new concept . The CIA had investigated it in the sixties . But they didn 't have a real life ghost , so their experiments failed . This time we had a real ghost . I asked them to pick out the Ouija board again . The séance room was a sight you had never seen in your life . The president and the director of the FBI holding hands , in a dark room . The president of the united states shook his head . You could tell he couldn 't believe what he was seeing . He got up from his seat , and you could almost hear his bones cracking . Over in the corner of the room I could see a computer with satellite images . I could watch the Chinese fleet mobilising in real time . The number of dots that represented aircraft carriers alone was scary . " It will only be a few days before we have to mobilise our own navy . " The wait was excruciating . But suddenly five hours latter , the board started spelling out a name . The FBI director went to work . Within minutes they had the file out . He didn 't look like what you would expect of a Chinese agent . He had long , blonde hair , was dressed in a respectable suit , and had a respectable job . He worked in the old navy base . His job was to work on the files , reading sensitive military information . Including information about resource allocation . Once they checked his bank account the truth became obvious . The FBI director stood up , and paced down the long thin corridor . Then he arrived back in the meeting room with a young woman . She was dressed in military uniform . He explained the plan . It was simple . The Chinese agent needed to think it had all been a hoax . But for that to work , he would have to eat a pack of lies . I wasn 't there , so I can report only what I have been told . The female agent I had been introduced to worked in the old navy headquarters . She worked in the files there . It is a room full of top secret papers . Room might be the wrong word ; it was the size of an aircraft hanger . She worked there , and had spent months being bored . So naturally , she had struck up a conversation with the handsome blonde military attaché . And , the conversation was reciprocated . The director of the FBI looked at her . She didn 't look like much to put the freedom of the world onto . But she was eager . And after being told what to do , she didn 't complain . She saluted . I stood at the back of the room , watching the Director of the FBI feeling out the officer , and knew I would have to talk to Nigel alone . I didn 't trust her . She looked too good to be true with her starched uniform and willing smile . The new agent went into a staff car , to be driven to the headquarters . She looked very lonely in the back of the car . Meanwhile , we walked to the operations room . There was a banks of monitors the length of the room . We could see satellite images of the build up of the Chinese fleet , as well as real time updates of our spies . I nodded . Then looked back over to the screens . I could see our agent depositing the papers in her draw . She phoned up the Chinese agent , and set up dinner . It looked like a glorious feast . Roast duck , with all the trimmings . The doorbell went . She walked over to it , and opened it . She said something , and the Chinese agent walked into the room . After ten minutes of conversation , she walked away . To go to the toilet . He walked over to the draws , and started rummaging . After a few minutes he found the file our agent had left . He took out the smallest camera you have ever seen , and clicked the image . After that , he put the files away . After he left , the confirmation came thick and fast . The Chinese fleet disbanded . It was amazing to see , but they split up within a matter of hours . Soon the sea around Taiwan was empty except for commercial shipping . I guess that if this had been a story that would be it . I would have been given a party , a celebration , and been allowed to leave . After all , I had saved the day . Well , Nigel did leave . I haven 't heard from him since . After they had finished celebrating , a guard collected me , and drove me in a prison van to here . It is a cold concrete cell . I am allowed a TV , and to write carefully vetted letters . I 'm not sure how I will post this , my story . Maybe I will write it under the postage stamp . I guess for an old crook like me , it is fair . But I wish I had been sent to jail for something I did . And not for some trumped up terrorist charge . Currently we only offer payment for one story selected as the feature story in the monthly pdf magazine only . The successful author will be contacted to organise payment via paypal for a $ 5AUD payment . 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