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funny_quotes

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“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?”

Chris Rock

“Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.”

Suzanne Collins,

“Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.”

Billy Sunday,

“The planet is fine. The people are fucked.”

George Carlin

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”

Phyllis Diller

“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”

Mark Twain

“What the hell is that?" I laughed."It's my fox hat.""Your fox hat?""Yeah, Pudge. My fox hat.""Why are you wearing your fox hat?" I asked."Because no one can catch the motherfucking fox.”

John Green,

“Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.”

Ellen DeGeneres,

“It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.”

Marilyn Monroe

“Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.”

Lemony Snicket,

“They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.”

John Green,

“Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.”

Albert Einstein

“When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”

Cathy Guiswite

“It's not because I want to make out with her."Hold on." He grabbed a pencil and scrawled excitedly at the paper as if he'd just made a mathematical breakthrough and then looked back up at me. "I just did some calculations, and I've been able to determine that you're full of shit”

John Green,

“If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?”

Jerry Seinfeld

“Jesper knocked his head against the hull and cast his eyes heavenward. “Fine. But if Pekka Rollins kills us all, I’m going to get Wylan’s ghost to teach my ghost how to play the flute just so that I can annoy the hell out of your ghost.”Brekker’s lips quirked. “I’ll just hire Matthias’ ghost to kick your ghost’s ass.”“My ghost won’t associate with your ghost,” Matthias said primly, and then wondered if the sea air was rotting his brain.”

Leigh Bardugo,

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.”

Rodney Dangerfield

“Don't be so humble - you are not that great.”

Golda Meir

“I thought I'd lie on the floor and writhe in pain for a while," he grunted, "It relaxes me.""It does? Oh - you're being sarcastic. That's a good sign probably.”

Cassandra Clare,

“I'm going to wake Peeta," I say."No, wait," says Finnick. "Let's do it together. Put our faces right in front of his."Well, there's so little opportunity for fun left in my life, I agree. We position ourselves on either side of Peeta, lean over until our faces are inches frim his nose, and give him a shake. "Peeta. Peeta, wake up," I say in a soft, singsong voice.His eyelids flutter open and then he jumps like we've stabbed him. "Aa!"Finnick and I fall back in the sand, laughing our heads off. Every time we try to stop, we look at Peeta's attempt to maintain a disdainful expression and it sets us off again.”

Suzanne Collins,

“Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.”

Yogi Berra,

“I cannot go to school today"Said little Peggy Ann McKay."I have the measles and the mumps,A gash, a rash and purple bumps.My mouth is wet, my throat is dry.I'm going blind in my right eye.My tonsils are as big as rocks,I've counted sixteen chicken pox.And there's one more - that's seventeen,And don't you think my face looks green?My leg is cut, my eyes are blue,It might be the instamatic flu.I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,I'm sure that my left leg is broke.My hip hurts when I move my chin,My belly button's caving in.My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,My 'pendix pains each time it rains.My toes are cold, my toes are numb,I have a sliver in my thumb.My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,I hardly whisper when I speak.My tongue is filling up my mouth,I think my hair is falling out.My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,My temperature is one-o-eight.My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,There's a hole inside my ear.I have a hangnail, and my heart is ...What? What's that? What's that you say?You say today is .............. Saturday?G'bye, I'm going out to play!”

Shel Silverstein

“A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.”

Bill Cosby

“If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.”

Lawrence Ferlinghetti

“Did you see that dress?” "I saw the dress.” "Did you like it?” He didn't answer. I took that as a yes. "Am I going to endanger my reputation if I wear it to the dance?” When he spoke, I could barely hear him. "You'll endanger the school.” I smiled and fell asleep.”

Richelle Mead,

“Headline?" he asked."'Swing Set Needs Home,'" I said."'Desperately Lonely Swing Set Needs Loving Home,'" he said."'Lonely, Vaguely Pedophilic Swing Set Seeks the Butts of Children,'" I said.”

John Green,

“Um...is that thing tame?" Frank said.The horse whinnied angrily."I don't think so," Percy guessed. "He just said, 'I will trample you to death, silly Chinese Canadian baby man'.”

Rick Riordan,

“Can you surf really well, then?"I looked at Grover, who was trying hard not to laugh."Jeez, Nico," I said. "I've never really tried."He went on asking questions. Did I fight a lot with Thalia, since she was a daughter of Zeus? (I didn't answer that one.) If Annabeth's mother was Athena, the goddess of wisdom, then why didn't Annabeth know better than to fall off a cliff? (I tried not to strangle Nico for asking that one.) Was Annabeth my girlfriend? (At this point, I was ready to stick the kid in a meat-flavored sack and throw him to the wolves.)”

Rick Riordan

“I’ve been fighting to be who I am all my life. What’s the point of being who I am, if I can’t have the person who was worth all the fighting for?”

Stephanie Lennox,

“Never miss a good chance to shut up.”

Will Rogers

“Damn, Claire. Warn a guy before you do a face-plant on the floor next time. I could have looked all heroic and caught you or something -Shane”

Rachel Caine,

“Can you be a girl for a few seconds?""I'm always a girl" I frown."You know what I mean. Like a silly, annoying girl"I twirl my hair around my finger. "Kay.”

Veronica Roth,

“I don't hate you.. I just don't like that you exist”

Gena Showalter,

“But Dumbledore says he doesn't care what they do as long as they don't take him off the Chocolate Frog cards.”

J.K. Rowling,

“She's strong! And scary...I bet she's single...I'd put money on it..”

Masashi Kishimoto,

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”

Rodney Dangerfield

“Puns are the highest form of literature.”

Alfred Hitchcock

“Do you ever think if people heard our conversations they'd lock us up?"All the time.”

Wendy Mass,

“Don’t put your wand there, boy!” roared Moody. “What if it ignited? Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!” “Who d’you know who’s lost a buttock?” the violet-haired woman asked Mad-Eye interestedly. “Never you mind, you just keep your wand out of your back pocket!” growled Mad-Eye. “Elementary wand safety, nobody bothers about it anymore . . .” He stumped off toward the kitchen. “And I saw that,” he added irritably, as the woman rolled her eyes at the ceiling.”

J.K. Rowling,

“I live in my own little world. But its ok, they know me here.”

Lauren Myracle

“Do you want a cookie?- What?- A cookie. Like an Oreo. Do you want one?- No.- How can you not want a cookie?- I just don't.- Okay, fine,let's say you did want a cookie. Let's say you were dying for a cookie, and there were cookies in the cupboard. What would you do?- I'd eat a cookie?- Exactly. That's all I'm saying.- What are you saying?- That if people want cookies, they should get a cookie. It's what people do.- Let me guess. Dad won't let you have acookie?- No. Even though I'm practically starving to death, he won't even consider it. He says I have to have a sandwich first.- And you don't think that's fair.- You just said you'd get a cookie if you wanted one. So why can't I? I'm not a little kid. I can make my own decisions.- Hmm. I can see why this bothers you somuch.- It's not fair. If he wants a cookie, he can have one. If you want a cookie,you can have one. But if I want a cookie, the rules don't count. Like yousaid, it's not fair.- So what are you going to do?- I'm going to eat a sandwich. Because I have to. Because the world isn't fairto ten-year-olds.”

Nicholas Sparks,

“What makes big boobs and perkiness so attractive to boys? I mean, really. Two round, mounds of fat and a fake smile. Yeah, winning attributes.”

Gena Showalter,

“Perv."He pointed to himself. "Male and eighteen. What's your point?”

Rachel Caine,

“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”

Robert Benchley

“Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.”

Isaac Asimov

“Don't gobblefunk around with words.”

Roald Dahl,

“Inconceivable!""You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”

William Goldman,

“aren't you, uh... reproducing?"sure, we love reproducing it's one of our favorite things.”

Cassandra Clare,

“Why it's simply impassible!Alice: Why, don't you mean impossible?Door: No, I do mean impassible. (chuckles) Nothing's impossible!”

Lewis Carroll,

“You are the shuckiest shuck faced shuck in the world!”

James Dashner,

“A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned”

Benjamin Franklin

“Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.”

Rodney Dangerfield

“Ten Things You Shouldn't Say on a Date.1. You're wearing that?2. Something smells funny.3. Where's the Tylenol?4. And to think, I first wanted to date your brother.5. I have a confession to make…6. My dad has a suit just like that.7. That man is hot. Look at him.8. My ex, may he rot in hell forever…9. You're going to order that? Seriously?10. You're how old?”

Gena Showalter,

“Those sweet lips. My, oh my, I could kiss those lips all night long.Good things come to those who wait.”

Jess C. Scott,

“Can I come in?No! I'm in a towel!I'm blind!”

James Patterson

“This is my depressed stance. When you're depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you'll start to feel better. If you're going to get any joy out of being depressed, you've got to stand like this.”

Charles M. Schulz

“I've got the Mark of Cain," said Simon. "That means nothing can kill me, right?""You can kill yourself," Magnus said, somewhat unhelpfully. "As far as I know, inanimate objects can accidentally kill you. So if you were planning on teaching yourself the lambada on a greased platform over a pit full of knives, I wouldn't.""There goes my Saturday.”

Cassandra Clare,

“You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!”

Lauren Myracle,

“You…you got rid of that dress fast," I pointed out between heavy breaths. "I thought you liked it." "I do like it," he said. His breathing was as heavy as mine. "I love it." And then he took me to the bed.”

Richelle Mead,

“The funniest people are the saddest ones”

Confucius

“Remind me," he paused, drawing in a stuttered gasp, "to never piss you off again. Christ, are you secretly a ninja?”

Jennifer L. Armentrout,

“Hey Mason, wipe the drool off your face. If you're going to think about me naked, do it on your own time." [...]"This is my time, Hathaway. I'm leading today's session." "Oh yeah?" I retorted. "Huh. Well, I guess this is a good time to think about me naked, then." "It's always a good a time to think about you naked," added someone nearby, breaking the tension further.”

Richelle Mead,

“Books can also provoke emotions. And emotions sometimes are even more troublesome than ideas. Emotions have led people to do all sorts of things they later regret-like, oh, throwing a book at someone else.”

Pseudonymous Bosch,

“A ghostly smile flickered across his face. "If you weren't so psychotic, you'd be fun to hang around." "Funny, I feel that way about you too." He didn't say anything else, but the smile grew, and he walked away.”

Richelle Mead,

“Never trust people who smile constantly. They're either selling something or not very bright.”

Laurell K. Hamilton,

“The human body is the best work of art.”

Jess C. Scott

“I have lightning and wind powers," Jason reminded him. "Piper can turn beautiful and charm people into giving her BMWs. You're no more a freak than we are. And, hey, maybe you can fly, too. Like jump off a building and yell 'Flame on!'"Leo snorted. "If I did that, you would see a flaming kid falling to his death, and I would be yelling something a little stronger than 'Flame on!”

Rick Riordan,

“Hooray! Hooray! The end of the world has been postponed! ”

Hergé,

“You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!”

Bill Watterson

“Harry Potter isn’t real? Oh no! Wait, wait, what do you mean by real? Is this video blog real? Am I real if you can see me and hear me, but only through the internet? Are you real if I can read your comment but I don’t know who you are or what your name is or where you’re from or what you look like or how old you are? I know all of those things about Harry Potter. Maybe Harry Potter’s real and you’re not.”

John Green

“I can't decide whether I'm a good girl wrapped up in a bad girl, or if I'm a bad girl wrapped up in a good girl. And that's how I know I'm a woman!”

C. JoyBell C.

“Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks.”

Holly Black,

“She said this in the same way you might say Fields of Punishment or Hades's gym shorts.”

Rick Riordan,

“A fit, healthy body—that is the best fashion statement”

Jess C Scott

“If there were an international butt competition, Eric would win, hands down—or cheeks up.”

Charlaine Harris,

“That sounds terrific, thought Cary, just you, your comatose wife your shell-shocked son, and your daughter who hates your guts. Not to mention that your two kids may be in love with each other. Yeah, that sounds like a perfect family reunion.”

Cassandra Clare,

“The three of you have one solution to every problem. Murder. No key fits every lock.” Cardan gives us all a stern look, holding up a long-fingered hand with my stolen ruby ring still on one finger. “Someone tries to betray the High King, murder. Someone gives you a harsh look, murder. Someone disrespects you, murder. Someone ruins your laundry, murder.”

Holly Black,

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.”

Rodney Dangerfield

“Homework is not an option. My bed is sending out serious nap rays. I can't help myself. The fluffy pillows and warm comforter are more powerful than I am. I have no choice but to snuggle under the covers.”

Laurie Halse Anderson,

“I felt like an animal, and animals don’t know sin, do they?”

Jess C. Scott,

“Other crack teams get bat boomerangs and wall-climbing powers; we get Aquatruck.”

Cassandra Clare,

“Sane is boring.”

R. A. Salvatore

“If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”

Steven Wright

“I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.”

George Carlin,

“Ethan Wyeth: I hope you're thirsty."Gideon Wyeth:"Why?"Ethan: "Cause your dumb and ugly, but I can do something about thirsty.”

Orson Scott Card

“I am your Prince and you will marry me," Humperdinck said.Buttercup whispered, "I am your servant and I refuse.""I am you Prince and you cannot refuse.""I am your loyal servant and I just did.""Refusal means death.""Kill me then.”

William Goldman,

“What about a compromise? I’ll kill them first, and if it turns out they were friendly, I’ll apologize.”

Rick Riordan,

“I am a Jew. Hathnot a Jew eyes? hath not a Jew hands, organs,dimensions, senses, affections, passions? fed withthe same food, hurt with the same weapons, subjectto the same diseases, healed by the same means,warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer, asa Christian is? If you prick us, do we not bleed?if you tickle us, do we not laugh? if you poisonus, do we not die? and if you wrong us, shall we notrevenge? If we are like you in the rest, we willresemble you in that. If a Jew wrong a Christian,what is his humility? Revenge. If a Christianwrong a Jew, what should his sufferance be byChristian example? Why, revenge. The villany youteach me, I will execute, and it shall go hard but Iwill better the instruction.”

William Shakespeare

“How is it possible to have a civil war?”

George Carlin

“She's cute, I thought, but you don't need to like a girl who treats you like you're ten: You've already got a mom.”

John Green,

“Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.”

Mae West

“Take off your shirt."Jace raised his eyebrows. "I'm not going to attack you," she said impatiently. "I can take the sight of your naked chest without swooning.""Are you sure?" he asked, obediently sliding the shirt off his shoulders. "Because viewing my naked chest has caused many women to seriously injure themselves stampeding to get to me.”

Cassandra Clare,

“When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.”

Lily Tomlin

“Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man, and our politicians take advantage of this prejudice by pretending to be even more stupid than nature made them.”

Bertrand Russell,

“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.”

Henny Youngman

“When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.”

Bill Watterson

“The female mind is certainly a devious one, my lord." Vetinari looked at his secretary in surprise. "Well, of course it is. It has to deal with the male one.”

Terry Pratchett,

“Want to play baseball?’” she asked. Shane’s eyes opened, and he stopped stroking her hair. “What?’” “First base,’” she said. “You’re already there.’” “I’m not running the bases.’” “Well, you could at least steal second.’” “Jeez, Claire. I used to distract myself with sports stats at times like these, but now you’ve gone and ruined it.”

Rachel Caine,

“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.”

Woody Allen

“How long have you been standing there?""Just long enough to see you give Daemon the middle finger.""He deserved it.”

Jennifer L. Armentrout,