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For the past year, I have been feeling pressured to do well in school, and it put a ton of stress on me. I have been bullied for five years, and for some reason, it is now sinking in, and I can't stop it. For some other reason, I can't find a hobby I can see myself doing without thinking bad about myself.

Check out my latest blog on:  Four-ways-add-self-esteem-friends-listI hope this provides a few nuggets of helpfulness to you!

<s>[INST] For the past year, I have been feeling pressured to do well in school, and it put a ton of stress on me. I have been bullied for five years, and for some reason, it is now sinking in, and I can't stop it. For some other reason, I can't find a hobby I can see myself doing without thinking bad about myself. [/INST] Check out my latest blog on:  Four-ways-add-self-esteem-friends-listI hope this provides a few nuggets of helpfulness to you! </s>

I want to live with my mom. My dad gets angry and makes me feel like everything is my fault. I still talk to my mom although My dad tells me that I'm no allowed to. I'm scared I will make the wrong decision and that my dad will hate me. How do I tell him that I want to live with my mom?

Yes, from what you wrote, your dad doesn't accept responsibility for the way he feels and blames you for his feelings.I'm glad you recognize he's handling himself less as a grown person and more like a young child.I also understand your hurt and frustration that your father handles himself in a way which shows for now that he is unwilling to respect your wishes.Your decision is not surprising since most people wouldn't want to live with a parent who shows little interest to respect their kids' decisions.In terms of how to tell him your choice, do this in simple and most basic information terms.   "I've decided for now to live w mom".I suggest to not offer reasons to him bc he doesn't seem interested in hearing them.   Giving him reasons would likely trigger him to rebut them.If he asks questions, answer them as simply as possible.If and when you feel he is more willing to understand and know you, then you'd feel more free to have genuine dialogue with him.Right now he doesn't seem very ready to handle this.

<s>[INST] I want to live with my mom. My dad gets angry and makes me feel like everything is my fault. I still talk to my mom although My dad tells me that I'm no allowed to. I'm scared I will make the wrong decision and that my dad will hate me. How do I tell him that I want to live with my mom? [/INST] Yes, from what you wrote, your dad doesn't accept responsibility for the way he feels and blames you for his feelings.I'm glad you recognize he's handling himself less as a grown person and more like a young child.I also understand your hurt and frustration that your father handles himself in a way which shows for now that he is unwilling to respect your wishes.Your decision is not surprising since most people wouldn't want to live with a parent who shows little interest to respect their kids' decisions.In terms of how to tell him your choice, do this in simple and most basic information terms.   "I've decided for now to live w mom".I suggest to not offer reasons to him bc he doesn't seem interested in hearing them.   Giving him reasons would likely trigger him to rebut them.If he asks questions, answer them as simply as possible.If and when you feel he is more willing to understand and know you, then you'd feel more free to have genuine dialogue with him.Right now he doesn't seem very ready to handle this. </s>

I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship.

A lot of times when you're experiencing nightmares and flashbacks, it can be a sign that you haven't fully processed what happened. Our brains tend to replay scenes in our life that we wish had turned out differently or  in an effort to desensitize us to it.  If you are comfortable with it, you may want to consider sharing what you're experiencing with your current partner so that he is able to understand what's going on. Also, you may want to consider  what parts of your past relationship you blame yourself for. This can be a difficult task to undertake on your own, and the help of the therapist may be necessary to sort through the memories in a safe way.  Typically however, flashbacks and nightmares are a sign that the trauma  of what you went through needs to be addressed.  it's a great thing that you were able to have the courage to get out of that relationship and you should be proud of yourself for that.  You may want to  begin therapy to address these traumatic memories and help you to sort through any conflicting emotions you have about it (i.e.  Feeling like it's your fault for not recognizing the abuse or getting out of the relationship sooner, blaming yourself for being  " The kind of person who gets into an abusive relationship ",  or believing that you somehow caused your ex to abuse you in some way.)  These types of beliefs and feelings can prevent us from moving past traumatic experiences and a trained therapist can certainly help you sort through them.

<s>[INST] I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship. [/INST] A lot of times when you're experiencing nightmares and flashbacks, it can be a sign that you haven't fully processed what happened. Our brains tend to replay scenes in our life that we wish had turned out differently or  in an effort to desensitize us to it.  If you are comfortable with it, you may want to consider sharing what you're experiencing with your current partner so that he is able to understand what's going on. Also, you may want to consider  what parts of your past relationship you blame yourself for. This can be a difficult task to undertake on your own, and the help of the therapist may be necessary to sort through the memories in a safe way.  Typically however, flashbacks and nightmares are a sign that the trauma  of what you went through needs to be addressed.  it's a great thing that you were able to have the courage to get out of that relationship and you should be proud of yourself for that.  You may want to  begin therapy to address these traumatic memories and help you to sort through any conflicting emotions you have about it (i.e.  Feeling like it's your fault for not recognizing the abuse or getting out of the relationship sooner, blaming yourself for being  " The kind of person who gets into an abusive relationship ",  or believing that you somehow caused your ex to abuse you in some way.)  These types of beliefs and feelings can prevent us from moving past traumatic experiences and a trained therapist can certainly help you sort through them. </s>

I always feel the need to impress people, whether it's my family, the people at school, or just random people. I know that no matter what I do or how I change, there will always be some people who hate me. Why do I feel this way?

It is normal to seek other’s attention and noticing that some people would not be interested.  After all, we belong to a social environment where we constantly receive other’s feedback, which at times validates us, makes feel important and useful, like we belong; but also at times makes us feel isolated, different and neglected, which we could interpret as hate.The key is to be aware of what you think about what people think of you.   Got it?  This part can be tricky at times, because, what others think about us does not really affect us, what really affects us is what we decide to believe, internalize, and make our reality.  For example, I could choose to ignore a person’s comment about me, or I could decide to focus on it all day, analyze why they said that and what have I done to them to get to that conclusion.  Eventually, since we became so focused on that thought, we may end up believing that what the other person said about us was true, even if we did not agree to begin with.So how can we fix this?  Awareness is the key!  It is important that you understand the way you internalize external inputs, like comments, and to go through a process of discarding negative ones.  It is also helpful to talk to your counselor about how you process feedback and validation so you learn to balance your positive traits from negatives and how that affects your relationships and self-esteem.¿Cómo me puede importar menos lo que la gente piensa?Siempre siento la necesidad de impresionar a otros, ya sea mi familia, la gente de la escuela o extraños.  Y sé que no importa lo que haga o cuanto haga, siempre habrá personas que me odian.  ¿Por qué me siento así?Es común que busquemos la atención de otros y notemos que algunas personas no están interesadas.  Después de todo pertenecemos a un ambiente social donde constantemente recibimos comentarios, que a veces nos validan, alagan y nos hacen sentir como parte importante y funcional de la sociedad; pero en otros momentos nos hacen sentir aislados, ignorados y diferentes, lo cual lo pudiéramos interpretar como odio.La clave es estar conscientes de lo que pensamos que los otros piensan de nosotros. ¿Me sigues?  Esta parte puede ser algo confusa, porque lo que piensan otras personas de nosotros, no nos afecta directamente, lo que si nos afecta es lo que decidimos creer que otras personas piensan de nosotros; y luego lo internalizamos y hacemos parte de nuestra vida.  Por ejemplo,  podemos decidir ignorar lo que una persona dice de nosotros, o podemos decidir enfocarnos en ello todo el día, analizando en detalle porque lo dijeron y que hemos hecho para hacer que ellos piensen así. Eventualmente nos enfocamos tanto en ese pensamiento, que terminamos creyendo que es verdad, aun cuando originalmente no lo creíamos así.¿Entonces como lo arreglamos? La clave es concientización.  Es importante entender la manera en que internalizamos las opiniones de otros, y que pasemos por un proceso de discriminación, donde descartemos los comentarios negativos, hasta que aprendamos a ignorarlos. También ayudaría hablar con un Consejero sobre como internamente validas y descartas los comentarios y opiniones externas, y como eso puede estar afectando tus relaciones y tu autoestima.

<s>[INST] I always feel the need to impress people, whether it's my family, the people at school, or just random people. I know that no matter what I do or how I change, there will always be some people who hate me. Why do I feel this way? [/INST] It is normal to seek other’s attention and noticing that some people would not be interested.  After all, we belong to a social environment where we constantly receive other’s feedback, which at times validates us, makes feel important and useful, like we belong; but also at times makes us feel isolated, different and neglected, which we could interpret as hate.The key is to be aware of what you think about what people think of you.   Got it?  This part can be tricky at times, because, what others think about us does not really affect us, what really affects us is what we decide to believe, internalize, and make our reality.  For example, I could choose to ignore a person’s comment about me, or I could decide to focus on it all day, analyze why they said that and what have I done to them to get to that conclusion.  Eventually, since we became so focused on that thought, we may end up believing that what the other person said about us was true, even if we did not agree to begin with.So how can we fix this?  Awareness is the key!  It is important that you understand the way you internalize external inputs, like comments, and to go through a process of discarding negative ones.  It is also helpful to talk to your counselor about how you process feedback and validation so you learn to balance your positive traits from negatives and how that affects your relationships and self-esteem.¿Cómo me puede importar menos lo que la gente piensa?Siempre siento la necesidad de impresionar a otros, ya sea mi familia, la gente de la escuela o extraños.  Y sé que no importa lo que haga o cuanto haga, siempre habrá personas que me odian.  ¿Por qué me siento así?Es común que busquemos la atención de otros y notemos que algunas personas no están interesadas.  Después de todo pertenecemos a un ambiente social donde constantemente recibimos comentarios, que a veces nos validan, alagan y nos hacen sentir como parte importante y funcional de la sociedad; pero en otros momentos nos hacen sentir aislados, ignorados y diferentes, lo cual lo pudiéramos interpretar como odio.La clave es estar conscientes de lo que pensamos que los otros piensan de nosotros. ¿Me sigues?  Esta parte puede ser algo confusa, porque lo que piensan otras personas de nosotros, no nos afecta directamente, lo que si nos afecta es lo que decidimos creer que otras personas piensan de nosotros; y luego lo internalizamos y hacemos parte de nuestra vida.  Por ejemplo,  podemos decidir ignorar lo que una persona dice de nosotros, o podemos decidir enfocarnos en ello todo el día, analizando en detalle porque lo dijeron y que hemos hecho para hacer que ellos piensen así. Eventualmente nos enfocamos tanto en ese pensamiento, que terminamos creyendo que es verdad, aun cuando originalmente no lo creíamos así.¿Entonces como lo arreglamos? La clave es concientización.  Es importante entender la manera en que internalizamos las opiniones de otros, y que pasemos por un proceso de discriminación, donde descartemos los comentarios negativos, hasta que aprendamos a ignorarlos. También ayudaría hablar con un Consejero sobre como internamente validas y descartas los comentarios y opiniones externas, y como eso puede estar afectando tus relaciones y tu autoestima. </s>

I'm a teenager and I've been sneaking out of my house at night for a year now. I've been caught several times. I want to stop doing this but I don't know where to start. How do I stop?

Hi,When we can't stop doing things that we know are wrong, it can help to take a closer look at how we make our decisions. Usually we are getting something good out of these bad behaviors, such as feeling excited or taking our minds off of bad things. It is really hard to change these things without helping us get the good effect in a more healthy way. I hope this helps.

<s>[INST] I'm a teenager and I've been sneaking out of my house at night for a year now. I've been caught several times. I want to stop doing this but I don't know where to start. How do I stop? [/INST] Hi,When we can't stop doing things that we know are wrong, it can help to take a closer look at how we make our decisions. Usually we are getting something good out of these bad behaviors, such as feeling excited or taking our minds off of bad things. It is really hard to change these things without helping us get the good effect in a more healthy way. I hope this helps. </s>

How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?

Hello. The end of the counselor/client relationship is one of mutual respect and engagement. Counseling sessions can end for any number of reasons. Among them are the client's inability to make forward progress in therapy; the clinician's inability to help the client (for a variety of reasons); a mutually agreed upon time frame for a number of sessions to be provided; or the financial challenges of the client who decides that they need to put their resources elsewhere. In this last case, a counselor should never cancel sessions with a client simply on the basis of the client's inability to pay. That is traditionally seen as an unethical practice. Other arrangements can be made to provide care to the client, which in itself should be paramount.When the client and therapist decide that services are done, it is best if there is at least one or two more sessions to allow a case file review to occur, and to bring an appropriate psychological sense of closure to the client (and vicariously to the clinician as well, those this is perhaps not as important). This transition gives both a sense of having reached the end of a journey...rather than some abrupt departure from it. (An abrupt ending in therapy can have a varying level of impact both emotionally and psychologically on the client and therapist). Sometimes the closure of therapy is the result of a program of therapy being formally completed, in which there is a mutually known (albeit perhaps approximate) date of when that program will be finished. In this case, the client is likely feeling that impending closure and has time to prepare mentally and emotionally from a place of being the client in therapy, to a place of healing, growth and situational resolution.I have always worked in therapy with the following slogan (if you will), that I learned years ago during graduate school: "Not every therapist is good for every client, and not every client is good for every therapist." It is perhaps one of the most important guiding views I hold in working with clients. The therapeutic relationship is driven by mutuality - the desire of the client to get better at living life, and the therapist's desire to truly see the client heal and grow. When there is a block in this process from either side that prevents that synergy from occurring, the relationship that should be established may not be able to form. Or, if already formed, may at some point be unable to move forward. In these instances, referring the client to another type of service or clinician is appropriate. Usually, this can be seen pretty quickly by either party, though sometimes it is not always clear.Ultimately, the client and counselor need to work together to discover if the needs of the client (which is paramount) are being met in the therapeutic engagement with their current counselor, or if other arrangements need to be made to go elsewhere. If both are observant in this process, they can work together to maintain that sacred space and continue to reach the goals that have been set. Eventually, therapy will end, but hopefully based on the client's successful journey to the place where they wanted to go, and thus opening the next chapters of their life to a space that is more whole and brighter.

<s>[INST] How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client? [/INST] Hello. The end of the counselor/client relationship is one of mutual respect and engagement. Counseling sessions can end for any number of reasons. Among them are the client's inability to make forward progress in therapy; the clinician's inability to help the client (for a variety of reasons); a mutually agreed upon time frame for a number of sessions to be provided; or the financial challenges of the client who decides that they need to put their resources elsewhere. In this last case, a counselor should never cancel sessions with a client simply on the basis of the client's inability to pay. That is traditionally seen as an unethical practice. Other arrangements can be made to provide care to the client, which in itself should be paramount.When the client and therapist decide that services are done, it is best if there is at least one or two more sessions to allow a case file review to occur, and to bring an appropriate psychological sense of closure to the client (and vicariously to the clinician as well, those this is perhaps not as important). This transition gives both a sense of having reached the end of a journey...rather than some abrupt departure from it. (An abrupt ending in therapy can have a varying level of impact both emotionally and psychologically on the client and therapist). Sometimes the closure of therapy is the result of a program of therapy being formally completed, in which there is a mutually known (albeit perhaps approximate) date of when that program will be finished. In this case, the client is likely feeling that impending closure and has time to prepare mentally and emotionally from a place of being the client in therapy, to a place of healing, growth and situational resolution.I have always worked in therapy with the following slogan (if you will), that I learned years ago during graduate school: "Not every therapist is good for every client, and not every client is good for every therapist." It is perhaps one of the most important guiding views I hold in working with clients. The therapeutic relationship is driven by mutuality - the desire of the client to get better at living life, and the therapist's desire to truly see the client heal and grow. When there is a block in this process from either side that prevents that synergy from occurring, the relationship that should be established may not be able to form. Or, if already formed, may at some point be unable to move forward. In these instances, referring the client to another type of service or clinician is appropriate. Usually, this can be seen pretty quickly by either party, though sometimes it is not always clear.Ultimately, the client and counselor need to work together to discover if the needs of the client (which is paramount) are being met in the therapeutic engagement with their current counselor, or if other arrangements need to be made to go elsewhere. If both are observant in this process, they can work together to maintain that sacred space and continue to reach the goals that have been set. Eventually, therapy will end, but hopefully based on the client's successful journey to the place where they wanted to go, and thus opening the next chapters of their life to a space that is more whole and brighter. </s>

I am in high school and have been facing anxiety issues lately. Whenever I get close to being in a relationship, some kind of anxiety takes over and keeps me from the relationship. This anxiety causes me depression at times and even makes me want to vomit. While a semi-relationship should be joyous, for me, it’s an emotional nightmare I can’t get to the bottom of. I’ve had this before and had to leave the semi-relationship to avoid throwing up every time I made contact with my crush. What could be the reason behind this? Is it massive nerve problems? Is it a fear of a bad relationship? While I’m not quite ready to be in one anyway, I want to get to the bottom of this for a brighter future in which I can be in one. I don’t take medications and have no desire to, I have read forums, and I’ve talked about the issue with my sister who has faced similar problems.

Hi Helena,I felt a bit sad when I read this. This is a new term for me... "semi-relationship". What does it mean? I know that today's culture for young people is more of a "hook-up" culture than a dating one. Maybe that means that you develop connections to people but you keep yourself from hoping for a full relationship because no one is doing that anymore. That makes me feel sad. I hear a lot of young women (I'm not sure you're female, but that's my guess) say that they struggle with hook-ups because they can't let themselves hope for a phone call after a hook-up. Research tells us that, after a hook-up, college age women tend to feel used and unworthy, and men tend to feel guilty. I think this scenario works better for men than women, but many of both genders are left unsatisfied in the end.This is only one possible explanation for your anxiety...that your gut knows that it wants to feel fully coupled with someone but you struggle with whether it's okay to want or expect that.Maybe take a moment and listen to anxiety. Anxiety tends to try to convince us that something's wrong with us or something bad's going to happen. Anxiety sometimes prefers to stay vague (it's more difficult to refute it then), but you can try to clarify it's whisperings by asking yourself these questions: What am I afraid of? What is the worst thing that might happen here? Then what might happen, and what would be the worst part of that? Keep going until you find the very worst thing that might happen? Might someone not want you...might you feel rejected...or feel not good enough...you might get hurt?Then when you find that core fear, you can look at your life and I bet you'd find a place where that idea or fear originated. A big moment (or many smaller ones) when you actually DID feel or get rejected or abandoned or hurt. In the end, it's a feeling you're trying to avoid (not life or relationship), and anxiety is trying to help you avoid it by making you overcautious. But this doesn't work for you! Good! With the help of a qualified therapist, you can learn to talk back to anxiety and move forward in life and love with calm. confidence.

<s>[INST] I am in high school and have been facing anxiety issues lately. Whenever I get close to being in a relationship, some kind of anxiety takes over and keeps me from the relationship. This anxiety causes me depression at times and even makes me want to vomit. While a semi-relationship should be joyous, for me, it’s an emotional nightmare I can’t get to the bottom of. I’ve had this before and had to leave the semi-relationship to avoid throwing up every time I made contact with my crush. What could be the reason behind this? Is it massive nerve problems? Is it a fear of a bad relationship? While I’m not quite ready to be in one anyway, I want to get to the bottom of this for a brighter future in which I can be in one. I don’t take medications and have no desire to, I have read forums, and I’ve talked about the issue with my sister who has faced similar problems. [/INST] Hi Helena,I felt a bit sad when I read this. This is a new term for me... "semi-relationship". What does it mean? I know that today's culture for young people is more of a "hook-up" culture than a dating one. Maybe that means that you develop connections to people but you keep yourself from hoping for a full relationship because no one is doing that anymore. That makes me feel sad. I hear a lot of young women (I'm not sure you're female, but that's my guess) say that they struggle with hook-ups because they can't let themselves hope for a phone call after a hook-up. Research tells us that, after a hook-up, college age women tend to feel used and unworthy, and men tend to feel guilty. I think this scenario works better for men than women, but many of both genders are left unsatisfied in the end.This is only one possible explanation for your anxiety...that your gut knows that it wants to feel fully coupled with someone but you struggle with whether it's okay to want or expect that.Maybe take a moment and listen to anxiety. Anxiety tends to try to convince us that something's wrong with us or something bad's going to happen. Anxiety sometimes prefers to stay vague (it's more difficult to refute it then), but you can try to clarify it's whisperings by asking yourself these questions: What am I afraid of? What is the worst thing that might happen here? Then what might happen, and what would be the worst part of that? Keep going until you find the very worst thing that might happen? Might someone not want you...might you feel rejected...or feel not good enough...you might get hurt?Then when you find that core fear, you can look at your life and I bet you'd find a place where that idea or fear originated. A big moment (or many smaller ones) when you actually DID feel or get rejected or abandoned or hurt. In the end, it's a feeling you're trying to avoid (not life or relationship), and anxiety is trying to help you avoid it by making you overcautious. But this doesn't work for you! Good! With the help of a qualified therapist, you can learn to talk back to anxiety and move forward in life and love with calm. confidence. </s>

How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?

This is a great question. There could be a few ways to “know” that you’ve found a good fit and you and your therapist are therapeutically compatible. First, I would recommend listening to your intuition and pay attention to how you feel, if there are feeling-indicators that you are comfortable, feel safe and willing to open up and share your story.  Second, do you feel the therapist you are considering will support and challenge you in ways you need.  Some therapist offers a free consultation.  This might be a good opportunity to take advantage of.Stephanie C, MA, LADC, LPCC (pre-licensed) www.stephanietherapy.com

<s>[INST] How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment? [/INST] This is a great question. There could be a few ways to “know” that you’ve found a good fit and you and your therapist are therapeutically compatible. First, I would recommend listening to your intuition and pay attention to how you feel, if there are feeling-indicators that you are comfortable, feel safe and willing to open up and share your story.  Second, do you feel the therapist you are considering will support and challenge you in ways you need.  Some therapist offers a free consultation.  This might be a good opportunity to take advantage of.Stephanie C, MA, LADC, LPCC (pre-licensed) www.stephanietherapy.com </s>

I'm being verbally abused on a daily basis by my parents in front of my child. I feel like I’m trapped and I have no escape. I feel like I have to listen to the horrible things they say and just take all of it. I need some way of learning how to cope with listening to it especially since I have nowhere else to go. I feel very emotionally drained How can I deal with this?

The first step is realizing your value and establishing firm boundaries. When your parents cross that boundary and are verbally abusive, you have to have a plan to stand your ground and act upon it. That plan may include a better job to afford a place of your own, a domestic violence shelter if you are unable to provide for your needs, a firm talk with your parents about your parental authority, or other. Whatever you do has to be firm or consistent, a boundary that you allow someone to cross is no boundary. There is always a way, if you have no where to go, ask yourself why is that the case(which I am sure you have considered already) and what can I do about it. If you choose not to take any action then you are enabling your parents to remain abusive. Ask yourself too, why am I not acting on my situation. Am I too dependent on them? Do I not want to change? Is it easier just to let them provide for me? Be honest with yourself. You need to work on your self esteem, and things that empower you. Support groups in person or online, Church groups or organizations, friends, books, music, etc.... but think on things that will empower you. Are you stuck financially because of the need for a job? Do you need to go back to school? Do you need training in a new field? There are a myriad of possibilities and answers. Action, think action and Change, what can I change?

<s>[INST] I'm being verbally abused on a daily basis by my parents in front of my child. I feel like I’m trapped and I have no escape. I feel like I have to listen to the horrible things they say and just take all of it. I need some way of learning how to cope with listening to it especially since I have nowhere else to go. I feel very emotionally drained How can I deal with this? [/INST] The first step is realizing your value and establishing firm boundaries. When your parents cross that boundary and are verbally abusive, you have to have a plan to stand your ground and act upon it. That plan may include a better job to afford a place of your own, a domestic violence shelter if you are unable to provide for your needs, a firm talk with your parents about your parental authority, or other. Whatever you do has to be firm or consistent, a boundary that you allow someone to cross is no boundary. There is always a way, if you have no where to go, ask yourself why is that the case(which I am sure you have considered already) and what can I do about it. If you choose not to take any action then you are enabling your parents to remain abusive. Ask yourself too, why am I not acting on my situation. Am I too dependent on them? Do I not want to change? Is it easier just to let them provide for me? Be honest with yourself. You need to work on your self esteem, and things that empower you. Support groups in person or online, Church groups or organizations, friends, books, music, etc.... but think on things that will empower you. Are you stuck financially because of the need for a job? Do you need to go back to school? Do you need training in a new field? There are a myriad of possibilities and answers. Action, think action and Change, what can I change? </s>

I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship.

EMDR therapy has shown great results for work with PTSD symptoms which are similar to what you described. If you are unable to find a local EMDR specialist then I would suggest some meditation and journaling in addition to talk therapy to process your trauma. Your anxiety response centers int he brain are in hyper vigilance mode and retraining to turn down that response could be helpful for you.

<s>[INST] I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship. [/INST] EMDR therapy has shown great results for work with PTSD symptoms which are similar to what you described. If you are unable to find a local EMDR specialist then I would suggest some meditation and journaling in addition to talk therapy to process your trauma. Your anxiety response centers int he brain are in hyper vigilance mode and retraining to turn down that response could be helpful for you. </s>

I start to think of an issue that doesn't even matter or something bad that happened years ago. Then, I cry, pull at my hair, plug my ears, hit myself, and throw things. In loud public places, I get on edge and start being sarcastic and moody. I have an awful fear of people leaving me (which normally ends up happening) and I feel like I'm too clingy.

There is a reason you are having breakdowns. I can't agree that they happen for "no reason at all".   Finding out the reason is going to be your biggest challenge because that may require you to dig deep into your past, uncover hurtful experiences, or recognize something that would be extremely pain.  However, if you don't find professional help to carefully guide you through whatever you may confront, the symptoms mentioned will continue and may even get worse.  There is a light at the end of the road but you need some help to find the right road to get on so you can see it.

<s>[INST] I start to think of an issue that doesn't even matter or something bad that happened years ago. Then, I cry, pull at my hair, plug my ears, hit myself, and throw things. In loud public places, I get on edge and start being sarcastic and moody. I have an awful fear of people leaving me (which normally ends up happening) and I feel like I'm too clingy. [/INST] There is a reason you are having breakdowns. I can't agree that they happen for "no reason at all".   Finding out the reason is going to be your biggest challenge because that may require you to dig deep into your past, uncover hurtful experiences, or recognize something that would be extremely pain.  However, if you don't find professional help to carefully guide you through whatever you may confront, the symptoms mentioned will continue and may even get worse.  There is a light at the end of the road but you need some help to find the right road to get on so you can see it. </s>

My wife and I have a great relationship except for our sex lives. We are pretty transparent and honest, and basically, she feels bad because she never wants to have sex. She doesn't have the desire. She's also never orgasmed. She feels like a terrible wife and fears I'll cheat on her. She doesn't know why. Last time we had sex, she cried and felt bad and didn't know why she cried. However, she also told me that the last time we had sex, she felt me in her, but it just felt "ehh" and wanted to stop. That makes me feel really awful. We rarely have foreplay. Everything I try tickles her, so she makes me stop. We are both frustrated but very much in love. She and I are in our early 20s. We’re married and we have a baby on the way.

Hi Seattle,While it's normal in many relationships for there to be a difference in sex drives, I believe that your wife has a major barrier to having a healthy sexual relationship. I'd be curious about what it was like at the beginning for you both, but these things can change. Sometimes people with sexual barriers are very active for a period when they're young because they're trying to prove something or overcome a fear. Right now, you can both accept that there is a barrier and it's hers and she can explore that in a safe relationship with a therapist and perhaps a doctor. It's possible she's asexual (not interested in sexual activity but very interested in love), or that a trauma has affected her. It's for her to explore. Tell yourself that it's not your fault, stop expecting it to change, and encourage her to seek treatment with someone who specializes in sexual issues. Good luck.

<s>[INST] My wife and I have a great relationship except for our sex lives. We are pretty transparent and honest, and basically, she feels bad because she never wants to have sex. She doesn't have the desire. She's also never orgasmed. She feels like a terrible wife and fears I'll cheat on her. She doesn't know why. Last time we had sex, she cried and felt bad and didn't know why she cried. However, she also told me that the last time we had sex, she felt me in her, but it just felt "ehh" and wanted to stop. That makes me feel really awful. We rarely have foreplay. Everything I try tickles her, so she makes me stop. We are both frustrated but very much in love. She and I are in our early 20s. We’re married and we have a baby on the way. [/INST] Hi Seattle,While it's normal in many relationships for there to be a difference in sex drives, I believe that your wife has a major barrier to having a healthy sexual relationship. I'd be curious about what it was like at the beginning for you both, but these things can change. Sometimes people with sexual barriers are very active for a period when they're young because they're trying to prove something or overcome a fear. Right now, you can both accept that there is a barrier and it's hers and she can explore that in a safe relationship with a therapist and perhaps a doctor. It's possible she's asexual (not interested in sexual activity but very interested in love), or that a trauma has affected her. It's for her to explore. Tell yourself that it's not your fault, stop expecting it to change, and encourage her to seek treatment with someone who specializes in sexual issues. Good luck. </s>

As a child, my parents injured my brother, so they went to prison. I was there when he had gotten hurt, but I can't seem to remember. I also can't remember being with them quite well. It's a blur.

Sorry to hear of having witnessed violence within your family when you were very young.Your blocked memories are a self-protection from the enormous emotional pain and feeling de-stabilized by realizing that the people whom you expected to trust, are harmful.Already you are at the first step, which is to know that memories exist about the disturbing events concerning your brother.Probably the best way of finding your way back to those times, is by paying attention to all of who you are today.The more intently and with loving interest you are able to notice yourself, you will be gradually dissolving the layers of protective thoughts about intimacy being unsafe.Basically, you will be teaching yourself how to slowly trust yourself.Since trust is what was violated while you were young, you will be developing a new model for trusting yourself and others.Then, more of the memories of your painful and overwhelming times will make themselves available to you.They are simply waiting for you to be strong and trusting enough within yourself, to tolerate them!

<s>[INST] As a child, my parents injured my brother, so they went to prison. I was there when he had gotten hurt, but I can't seem to remember. I also can't remember being with them quite well. It's a blur. [/INST] Sorry to hear of having witnessed violence within your family when you were very young.Your blocked memories are a self-protection from the enormous emotional pain and feeling de-stabilized by realizing that the people whom you expected to trust, are harmful.Already you are at the first step, which is to know that memories exist about the disturbing events concerning your brother.Probably the best way of finding your way back to those times, is by paying attention to all of who you are today.The more intently and with loving interest you are able to notice yourself, you will be gradually dissolving the layers of protective thoughts about intimacy being unsafe.Basically, you will be teaching yourself how to slowly trust yourself.Since trust is what was violated while you were young, you will be developing a new model for trusting yourself and others.Then, more of the memories of your painful and overwhelming times will make themselves available to you.They are simply waiting for you to be strong and trusting enough within yourself, to tolerate them! </s>

My boyfriend and I recently broke up. One week, we were fine, and the next, he told me he needed space. He completely deleted me out of his life. He does have an opiate addiction. He claimed he was sober, but since we've split, I've heard many lies from him. Could he be using again, and does this addiction affect the mind?

Studies have proven that addiction affects the brain, there are many coping skills that addicts use to enable their addiction as well.  I would recommend that you speak with someone abut your relationship and your concerns.  Not only so you can have more clarity in the situation but we often tend to gravitate around or toward the same types of individuals.  Being more aware of your relationship will help you in the future when re-engaging in personal relationships. 

<s>[INST] My boyfriend and I recently broke up. One week, we were fine, and the next, he told me he needed space. He completely deleted me out of his life. He does have an opiate addiction. He claimed he was sober, but since we've split, I've heard many lies from him. Could he be using again, and does this addiction affect the mind? [/INST] Studies have proven that addiction affects the brain, there are many coping skills that addicts use to enable their addiction as well.  I would recommend that you speak with someone abut your relationship and your concerns.  Not only so you can have more clarity in the situation but we often tend to gravitate around or toward the same types of individuals.  Being more aware of your relationship will help you in the future when re-engaging in personal relationships. </s>

My mother and I have an okay relationship. I know she loves me unconditionally, and I love her the same. However, more times than not, I'm afraid to tell her anything personal because she either doesn't listen, she turns it around and makes everything about her, or she ignores things - even when they are about my mental health.

How can I get my mother to listen to me without her freaking out?Communication with our loved ones can be tricky, but it is the key to maintaining a healthy and functional relationship with them. At times, it seems difficult to communicate with our family because many feelings and “undercover” messages are attached. Especially with our mothers, who often provide advice and feel responsible for us, it may feel like they are making everything about themselves as they express their worries and concerns.So what to do? First will be important to practice active listening skills, to ensure that you are receiving and understanding the message, without filtering it trough your own emotions or preconceptions of the person who speaks.  Second, learn and practice assertive communication skills.  Those will help you to communicate a message clearly and in pieces.  It also emphasizes using I-statements to express how you feel at times when emotions become affected by the interaction.  Third, you should practice, by writing your I-statement or role playing with your counselor.   The trick with communication skills is that we need to practice them as often as possible until you to master them.  You can also contact a family therapist to improve those skills if it becomes challenging, or contact a mediator if more issues arise.¿Cómo puedo lograr que mi mamá me escuche sin alarmarse tanto?La comunicación con nuestros seres queridos puede ser dificultosa, pero es la clave para mantener relaciones saludables y funcionales con ellos.  A veces, nos parece aun más difícil comunicarnos con nuestra familia, porque hay muchos sentimientos y mensajes envueltos en la comunicación.  Especialmente nuestras  madres,  pueden hacer parecer que están convirtiendo el asunto en algo personal, cuando se sienten preocupadas y responsables por nosotros y nuestras acciones.¿Y qué hacemos?  Primero debemos aprender a escuchar activamente, para asegurarnos de que comprendemos el mensaje, y que no lo estemos filtrando a través de nuestras emociones e ideas de la otra persona. Segundo, aprende y practica comunicación asertiva.  Esto te ayudara a comunicar un mensaje claramente y en pedazos.  También te ayudar a aprender expresiones del Yo, para identificar sentimientos afectados durante la interacción.  Tercero, es importante que practiques estas destrezas, ya sea escribiendo o con tu consejero.  El secreto está en practicar las técnicas de comunicación cuantas veces sea posible, hasta que las uses espontáneamente.  Si tienes dificultad aprendiendo estas técnicas, o el conflicto con tu mama es uno muy difícil de resolver, puedes contactar un consejero o mediador familiar para que te asista.

<s>[INST] My mother and I have an okay relationship. I know she loves me unconditionally, and I love her the same. However, more times than not, I'm afraid to tell her anything personal because she either doesn't listen, she turns it around and makes everything about her, or she ignores things - even when they are about my mental health. [/INST] How can I get my mother to listen to me without her freaking out?Communication with our loved ones can be tricky, but it is the key to maintaining a healthy and functional relationship with them. At times, it seems difficult to communicate with our family because many feelings and “undercover” messages are attached. Especially with our mothers, who often provide advice and feel responsible for us, it may feel like they are making everything about themselves as they express their worries and concerns.So what to do? First will be important to practice active listening skills, to ensure that you are receiving and understanding the message, without filtering it trough your own emotions or preconceptions of the person who speaks.  Second, learn and practice assertive communication skills.  Those will help you to communicate a message clearly and in pieces.  It also emphasizes using I-statements to express how you feel at times when emotions become affected by the interaction.  Third, you should practice, by writing your I-statement or role playing with your counselor.   The trick with communication skills is that we need to practice them as often as possible until you to master them.  You can also contact a family therapist to improve those skills if it becomes challenging, or contact a mediator if more issues arise.¿Cómo puedo lograr que mi mamá me escuche sin alarmarse tanto?La comunicación con nuestros seres queridos puede ser dificultosa, pero es la clave para mantener relaciones saludables y funcionales con ellos.  A veces, nos parece aun más difícil comunicarnos con nuestra familia, porque hay muchos sentimientos y mensajes envueltos en la comunicación.  Especialmente nuestras  madres,  pueden hacer parecer que están convirtiendo el asunto en algo personal, cuando se sienten preocupadas y responsables por nosotros y nuestras acciones.¿Y qué hacemos?  Primero debemos aprender a escuchar activamente, para asegurarnos de que comprendemos el mensaje, y que no lo estemos filtrando a través de nuestras emociones e ideas de la otra persona. Segundo, aprende y practica comunicación asertiva.  Esto te ayudara a comunicar un mensaje claramente y en pedazos.  También te ayudar a aprender expresiones del Yo, para identificar sentimientos afectados durante la interacción.  Tercero, es importante que practiques estas destrezas, ya sea escribiendo o con tu consejero.  El secreto está en practicar las técnicas de comunicación cuantas veces sea posible, hasta que las uses espontáneamente.  Si tienes dificultad aprendiendo estas técnicas, o el conflicto con tu mama es uno muy difícil de resolver, puedes contactar un consejero o mediador familiar para que te asista. </s>

I'm in my late 20s, and I've never had a boyfriend or even been on a date. I have no friends. I hate Facebook because everyone else has kids and a great husband and great paying jobs. I work in retail, and I can't find a job. I have an Associate degree. No one is not giving me a chance, and I'm getting upset and frustrated. I feel worthless and feel like everyone hates me. I feel like a failure, and I still live with my Dad. It's very embarrassing!

In case knowing this helps you, there are many more people in similar circumstance as you than you may realize.Similar to you, they are not on FB for the reasons you list.  Plus, no one wants to go on FB and tell the world they don't have a fantastic life.  Everyone on FB is happy, even when they're miserable they're happy telling everyone about it.First, yes it is painful to see all around you what appears as joyful living.  Please keep in mind that the life you imagine these people have, is not necessarily the true life they are having.  I've been a therapist for a long time and have seen repeatedly how people who are married with kids by age 30, start having problems by their mid-thirties.Second, respect your unique identity.  For whatever reason, you have more sensitivity, possibly more depth, more complex standards and expectations, of yourself and others.As hard as it may sound or actually be, take time to hear your intuition and what it tells you, you need for your own growth and development.Feeling embarrassed can also be turned into a positive.  Consider it as motivation for the long term to develop new ways of reaching your goals.I hope this helps!

<s>[INST] I'm in my late 20s, and I've never had a boyfriend or even been on a date. I have no friends. I hate Facebook because everyone else has kids and a great husband and great paying jobs. I work in retail, and I can't find a job. I have an Associate degree. No one is not giving me a chance, and I'm getting upset and frustrated. I feel worthless and feel like everyone hates me. I feel like a failure, and I still live with my Dad. It's very embarrassing! [/INST] In case knowing this helps you, there are many more people in similar circumstance as you than you may realize.Similar to you, they are not on FB for the reasons you list.  Plus, no one wants to go on FB and tell the world they don't have a fantastic life.  Everyone on FB is happy, even when they're miserable they're happy telling everyone about it.First, yes it is painful to see all around you what appears as joyful living.  Please keep in mind that the life you imagine these people have, is not necessarily the true life they are having.  I've been a therapist for a long time and have seen repeatedly how people who are married with kids by age 30, start having problems by their mid-thirties.Second, respect your unique identity.  For whatever reason, you have more sensitivity, possibly more depth, more complex standards and expectations, of yourself and others.As hard as it may sound or actually be, take time to hear your intuition and what it tells you, you need for your own growth and development.Feeling embarrassed can also be turned into a positive.  Consider it as motivation for the long term to develop new ways of reaching your goals.I hope this helps! </s>

I feel like my time is going too fast

Thank you for reaching out! That is a great question! As an American, I can truly say that I spend way too much time on the go! It is a proven fact that Americans live in a fast paced environment compared to Europe! I often ask myself, what if I only had one day left on this Earth? What would I do? Well, that is an easy question. I would spend it with my family! Easier said than done when we are living in a tomorrow kind of World, right? Its hard to focus on the now when we are so consumed in what tomorrow shall bring.Time management is a very important factor when learning to "live life to the fullest"! In fact, this is a required course in undergraduate college now. Everyone manages their time differently and it is up to you to decide how you would like to do this. Personally, for myself I like to keep a calendar with a to-do list. I always place my most important tasks at the top of the list. That way, if I do not get through the list, I am not stressing over the little things. When planning your day, it is important you schedule work, eat and play. A much as it is hard not to work after getting off work, it must be done. There is discipline involved in this process. If you have trouble with this, then maybe seeking out some accountability such as including a coworker to make sure you do not bring work home once your shift is over or your spouse/partner reminding you that this is a time for play and not work.These are just some ideas that I am throwing out there. Again, everyone has their own style on time management. I hope this was helpful for you. Please don't hesitate to reach out for anything further!

<s>[INST] I feel like my time is going too fast [/INST] Thank you for reaching out! That is a great question! As an American, I can truly say that I spend way too much time on the go! It is a proven fact that Americans live in a fast paced environment compared to Europe! I often ask myself, what if I only had one day left on this Earth? What would I do? Well, that is an easy question. I would spend it with my family! Easier said than done when we are living in a tomorrow kind of World, right? Its hard to focus on the now when we are so consumed in what tomorrow shall bring.Time management is a very important factor when learning to "live life to the fullest"! In fact, this is a required course in undergraduate college now. Everyone manages their time differently and it is up to you to decide how you would like to do this. Personally, for myself I like to keep a calendar with a to-do list. I always place my most important tasks at the top of the list. That way, if I do not get through the list, I am not stressing over the little things. When planning your day, it is important you schedule work, eat and play. A much as it is hard not to work after getting off work, it must be done. There is discipline involved in this process. If you have trouble with this, then maybe seeking out some accountability such as including a coworker to make sure you do not bring work home once your shift is over or your spouse/partner reminding you that this is a time for play and not work.These are just some ideas that I am throwing out there. Again, everyone has their own style on time management. I hope this was helpful for you. Please don't hesitate to reach out for anything further! </s>

I shake and have panic attacks.

One way to understand panic attacks is as a sign of feeling insecure or lacking confidence in a certain area or characteristic of yourself.The insecurity can sometimes feel overwhelming and this starts the sense of panic. One way to build your sense of security within yourself is to have a simple life and a slow paced life.   When there are many activities or involvements to pay attention, then it is easy to not give full attention to all of them.  This may trigger a sense of insecurity since in fact you may not have had sufficient time to study and know your own opinion about all of what your life is immersed in.A simpler life of fewer activities allows more time to know and understand your own inner feelings and reactions.To know more about yourself may help build your confidence and security in your ability to know and live what goes on in your life!

<s>[INST] I shake and have panic attacks. [/INST] One way to understand panic attacks is as a sign of feeling insecure or lacking confidence in a certain area or characteristic of yourself.The insecurity can sometimes feel overwhelming and this starts the sense of panic. One way to build your sense of security within yourself is to have a simple life and a slow paced life.   When there are many activities or involvements to pay attention, then it is easy to not give full attention to all of them.  This may trigger a sense of insecurity since in fact you may not have had sufficient time to study and know your own opinion about all of what your life is immersed in.A simpler life of fewer activities allows more time to know and understand your own inner feelings and reactions.To know more about yourself may help build your confidence and security in your ability to know and live what goes on in your life! </s>

My mother and I have an okay relationship. I know she loves me unconditionally, and I love her the same. However, more times than not, I'm afraid to tell her anything personal because she either doesn't listen, she turns it around and makes everything about her, or she ignores things - even when they are about my mental health.

Could you tell her ?  What would happen if you said "Mom, I love you and I really want to share myself with you, but often I you get upset and I don't want that to happen. I really want to be able to talk to you."  

<s>[INST] My mother and I have an okay relationship. I know she loves me unconditionally, and I love her the same. However, more times than not, I'm afraid to tell her anything personal because she either doesn't listen, she turns it around and makes everything about her, or she ignores things - even when they are about my mental health. [/INST] Could you tell her ?  What would happen if you said "Mom, I love you and I really want to share myself with you, but often I you get upset and I don't want that to happen. I really want to be able to talk to you." </s>

Whenever I run into a situation that makes me upset or angry, I tend to start cursing and badly offending the person I am confronting. I say mean things to let my anger out. Whenever people tell me stuff about my relationship (like starting rumors or saying negative things about me or my relationship) I lash out not just them but at my boyfriend. I feel like I keep causing drama due to my personality. I want to be a better person and learn to let things not get to me and be happy and graceful. I hurt the ones I love with my words. I want to be better for myself and them.

Taking accountability for your actions and seeking help is an excellent first step. I wonder where the anger is coming from. Learning what is at the root of it can shed some light on what the problem is and can provide some relief in itself. I would also suggest doing some self-exploration and see a therapist for individual sessions in order to gain a clearer insight as to what the cause is. There are also several actions you can take on your own to help control your anger and communicate more effectively. Here is what I would recommend you try: Take time outs: When you feel yourself becoming upset, excuse yourself and take a time out to either think about the most appropriate course of action or redirect your thoughts all together. Often when we become angry, it is difficult to see the issue clearly, as our emotions get in the way.  Do deep breathing exercises: Close your eyes. Breathe in slowly to the count of 4. Breathe out even slower to the count of 6. Practice this for about 5 minutes, 3 times a day and focus on nothing except your breathing during this time. Once it becomes routine for you, it will be easier to apply during situations in which you are angry or upset. Change negative thought patterns: Try and recall or be aware of your thoughts, particularly when you are feeling angry. What are these thoughts telling you? Are they valid or logical? Is there factual evidence to support the negative thoughts? Often the answer is "no." Learn to stop the negative thoughts and replace them with logical and more positive ones.  Communicate effectively: As a speaker, you want to use "I" statements by telling the other person how you feel instead of blaming him/her by using "you" statements. For example, you might say something such as, "I feel sad when you don't come home at a decent hour and I don't get to spend time with you" versus "You always stay out late and don't even care about me." The speaker should also avoid using black and white language such as always, never, etc. As the listener, you want to validate what you hear so that the other person knows that you are listening. You will also want to be responsive and offer fair solutions. I wish you luck in using these tools and learning about where your anger comes from.

<s>[INST] Whenever I run into a situation that makes me upset or angry, I tend to start cursing and badly offending the person I am confronting. I say mean things to let my anger out. Whenever people tell me stuff about my relationship (like starting rumors or saying negative things about me or my relationship) I lash out not just them but at my boyfriend. I feel like I keep causing drama due to my personality. I want to be a better person and learn to let things not get to me and be happy and graceful. I hurt the ones I love with my words. I want to be better for myself and them. [/INST] Taking accountability for your actions and seeking help is an excellent first step. I wonder where the anger is coming from. Learning what is at the root of it can shed some light on what the problem is and can provide some relief in itself. I would also suggest doing some self-exploration and see a therapist for individual sessions in order to gain a clearer insight as to what the cause is. There are also several actions you can take on your own to help control your anger and communicate more effectively. Here is what I would recommend you try: Take time outs: When you feel yourself becoming upset, excuse yourself and take a time out to either think about the most appropriate course of action or redirect your thoughts all together. Often when we become angry, it is difficult to see the issue clearly, as our emotions get in the way.  Do deep breathing exercises: Close your eyes. Breathe in slowly to the count of 4. Breathe out even slower to the count of 6. Practice this for about 5 minutes, 3 times a day and focus on nothing except your breathing during this time. Once it becomes routine for you, it will be easier to apply during situations in which you are angry or upset. Change negative thought patterns: Try and recall or be aware of your thoughts, particularly when you are feeling angry. What are these thoughts telling you? Are they valid or logical? Is there factual evidence to support the negative thoughts? Often the answer is "no." Learn to stop the negative thoughts and replace them with logical and more positive ones.  Communicate effectively: As a speaker, you want to use "I" statements by telling the other person how you feel instead of blaming him/her by using "you" statements. For example, you might say something such as, "I feel sad when you don't come home at a decent hour and I don't get to spend time with you" versus "You always stay out late and don't even care about me." The speaker should also avoid using black and white language such as always, never, etc. As the listener, you want to validate what you hear so that the other person knows that you are listening. You will also want to be responsive and offer fair solutions. I wish you luck in using these tools and learning about where your anger comes from. </s>

My therapist is gay so there are no sexual issues here. However, my therapist for six years has made me believe that he cares about me and that we are friends. I have loaned money to him many times, and he always paid me back. I had a medical emergency last weekend and I was heavily medicated. I knew that this therapist came into my home and wrote down my credit card information so he could pay back what he owed me, but this therapist dropped me off and never came again. I don't know what to do.

I'm sorry to hear that this has happened. Counselors are legally and ethically required to make sure that they always put the wellbeing of their clients above their own interests. In addition, counselor ethical rules, and the laws in just about every state, make it illegal for counselors to take advantage of a client financially. A counselor borrowing money from a client (even if the counselor pays it back) would usually be considered to be taking advantage of the client.There are a few options you have at this point if you can't (or don't want) to continue to try to contact him directly. You can file a complaint with your states' regulatory board and let them know what has happened.  An investigator will then look into the situation for you.  Another option would be for you to find a different counsleor who can provide you with an independent and netural point of view to help you figure out how you want to handle this situation.

<s>[INST] My therapist is gay so there are no sexual issues here. However, my therapist for six years has made me believe that he cares about me and that we are friends. I have loaned money to him many times, and he always paid me back. I had a medical emergency last weekend and I was heavily medicated. I knew that this therapist came into my home and wrote down my credit card information so he could pay back what he owed me, but this therapist dropped me off and never came again. I don't know what to do. [/INST] I'm sorry to hear that this has happened. Counselors are legally and ethically required to make sure that they always put the wellbeing of their clients above their own interests. In addition, counselor ethical rules, and the laws in just about every state, make it illegal for counselors to take advantage of a client financially. A counselor borrowing money from a client (even if the counselor pays it back) would usually be considered to be taking advantage of the client.There are a few options you have at this point if you can't (or don't want) to continue to try to contact him directly. You can file a complaint with your states' regulatory board and let them know what has happened.  An investigator will then look into the situation for you.  Another option would be for you to find a different counsleor who can provide you with an independent and netural point of view to help you figure out how you want to handle this situation. </s>

Hello, I have a cousin in my family who has been making me feel belittled, insecure, and frustrated during her stay here in the city. I know she comes from a place of love, but she has always been short-fused and highly temperamental if something doesn't work out the way she planned it. I have tried my best to coordinate plans with her, but she always ends up frustrated about the lack of communication I seem to have on my part and then makes condescending comments about my character that include: inconsiderate, negative, oblivious, and self consumed. I have tried to talk to her openly about this, but it always comes back as an attack on my character and I have never heard these comments from anyone else before. I have been thinking a lot about her comments and whether I truly am an inconsiderate person who is not thoughtful, spatially aware of surroundings/people, or positive, but in the end, I am feeling awfully hurt about how this has affected our relationship. What can I do?

Do you have a close friend or relative who's opinion you trust? Ask them for their honest feedback and if they see you like your cousin does. If they don’t see these qualities in you, then it may be your cousin’s issue and she’s taking it out on you. You can always ask her what would be the best way to communicate plans with her so you know, specifically, what she is expecting. Then if you meet these expectations and she still blames you and comments on how inconsiderate you are, it's her issue and she is not coming from a place of love.Even if you do resemble her comments, the way it sounds like she approaches this problem is not out of love. The fact that you're introspective enough to consider your own behavior suggests the problem is not with you.

<s>[INST] Hello, I have a cousin in my family who has been making me feel belittled, insecure, and frustrated during her stay here in the city. I know she comes from a place of love, but she has always been short-fused and highly temperamental if something doesn't work out the way she planned it. I have tried my best to coordinate plans with her, but she always ends up frustrated about the lack of communication I seem to have on my part and then makes condescending comments about my character that include: inconsiderate, negative, oblivious, and self consumed. I have tried to talk to her openly about this, but it always comes back as an attack on my character and I have never heard these comments from anyone else before. I have been thinking a lot about her comments and whether I truly am an inconsiderate person who is not thoughtful, spatially aware of surroundings/people, or positive, but in the end, I am feeling awfully hurt about how this has affected our relationship. What can I do? [/INST] Do you have a close friend or relative who's opinion you trust? Ask them for their honest feedback and if they see you like your cousin does. If they don’t see these qualities in you, then it may be your cousin’s issue and she’s taking it out on you. You can always ask her what would be the best way to communicate plans with her so you know, specifically, what she is expecting. Then if you meet these expectations and she still blames you and comments on how inconsiderate you are, it's her issue and she is not coming from a place of love.Even if you do resemble her comments, the way it sounds like she approaches this problem is not out of love. The fact that you're introspective enough to consider your own behavior suggests the problem is not with you. </s>

It was over 20 years ago, but the pain has resurfaced again now because I have started seeing her Facebook posts about how great her life is. I feel so angry. How can I handle this?

First thing that you must realize is that most people only post the "best parts" of their lives on Facebook, some people even go so far as to make their lives seem better or more interesting and post mostly false views of their life. Facebook is watered down, candied version of our life, you put on there only what you want people to see. The questions you should ask is "How have I grown from this?", Is my marriage currently in a good place? I really wish there was some form of magic that could be performed to solve peoples issues and help them sort out their emotions and troubles, however there is not, the closest we can get is by using {time and insight} to heal our wounds.

<s>[INST] It was over 20 years ago, but the pain has resurfaced again now because I have started seeing her Facebook posts about how great her life is. I feel so angry. How can I handle this? [/INST] First thing that you must realize is that most people only post the "best parts" of their lives on Facebook, some people even go so far as to make their lives seem better or more interesting and post mostly false views of their life. Facebook is watered down, candied version of our life, you put on there only what you want people to see. The questions you should ask is "How have I grown from this?", Is my marriage currently in a good place? I really wish there was some form of magic that could be performed to solve peoples issues and help them sort out their emotions and troubles, however there is not, the closest we can get is by using {time and insight} to heal our wounds. </s>

My daughter seemed to be developing at a normal rate until about the age of 10. She then started to act younger than she is. Now she only wants to play with younger kids and she doesn't act her age. I don't know why this is happening. Is this normal?

This is certainly an important issue to look into, It is always helpful to speak with the child's pediatrician since they are most familiar with the child's developmental history. Also, children tend to regress behaviorally when facing events and interactions they feel to have no control over, this can be as simple as a loss of a pet, a recent move, death in the family,  and/or as serious as sexual abuse, and other things. If you have not spoken to the school that can be a good starting point.

<s>[INST] My daughter seemed to be developing at a normal rate until about the age of 10. She then started to act younger than she is. Now she only wants to play with younger kids and she doesn't act her age. I don't know why this is happening. Is this normal? [/INST] This is certainly an important issue to look into, It is always helpful to speak with the child's pediatrician since they are most familiar with the child's developmental history. Also, children tend to regress behaviorally when facing events and interactions they feel to have no control over, this can be as simple as a loss of a pet, a recent move, death in the family,  and/or as serious as sexual abuse, and other things. If you have not spoken to the school that can be a good starting point. </s>

He goes out with her to dinner/brunch/movies when we are not together (we live 2 hours apart).

Would you have the same desire to meet this friend if she were a he? If you are concerned that their friendship is a substitute for you when you aren't present, talk to him. It sounds like you are concerned that he is building an emotional intimacy with her and spending time doing the sort of things with her that you'd otherwise be doing with him. Help him understand why this bothers you but try to also be open to allowing him to make friends. Is the issue that he hasn't introduced you? Is there another reason you don't trust their friendship? 

<s>[INST] He goes out with her to dinner/brunch/movies when we are not together (we live 2 hours apart). [/INST] Would you have the same desire to meet this friend if she were a he? If you are concerned that their friendship is a substitute for you when you aren't present, talk to him. It sounds like you are concerned that he is building an emotional intimacy with her and spending time doing the sort of things with her that you'd otherwise be doing with him. Help him understand why this bothers you but try to also be open to allowing him to make friends. Is the issue that he hasn't introduced you? Is there another reason you don't trust their friendship? </s>

Why am I so afraid of it? I don't understand.

Why are you afraid of rape? Because it is a problem in the United States! The National Sexual Violence Resource Center reports that one in five women (0r 20%) will be raped (http://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/publications_nsvrc_factsheet_media-packet_statistics-about-sexual-violence_0.pdf) and that 80% of women know their assailant. Given these statistics, it is perfectly logical to be afraid. However, there are things you can do to reduce the risk of rape, such as being aware of your surroundings, and limiting the use of drugs or alcohol.The Enhanced Access, Knowledge, Act program for college-aged women has been shown to reduce the risk of rape by more than 50%. (http://www.blueprintsprograms.com/factsheet/eaaa-enhanced-assess-acknowledge-act-sexual-assault-resistance-education) You may want to see if a program like this is available in your area. Another great app for when you need to walk somewhere alone, is the Companion App (http://www.companionapp.io). Friends or family can track your progress from one point to another via the GPS in your phone.In addition, talking with a counselor about your fears would also be a good idea. Sometimes fears are rational and reasonable. Sometimes they are over-reactions and unreasonable. When then are over-reactions and unreasonable, they can have a negative impact on your life. In this case, a counselor could help you understand why your fears are unreasonable, and how you can stop them from negatively impacting your life. 

<s>[INST] Why am I so afraid of it? I don't understand. [/INST] Why are you afraid of rape? Because it is a problem in the United States! The National Sexual Violence Resource Center reports that one in five women (0r 20%) will be raped (http://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/publications_nsvrc_factsheet_media-packet_statistics-about-sexual-violence_0.pdf) and that 80% of women know their assailant. Given these statistics, it is perfectly logical to be afraid. However, there are things you can do to reduce the risk of rape, such as being aware of your surroundings, and limiting the use of drugs or alcohol.The Enhanced Access, Knowledge, Act program for college-aged women has been shown to reduce the risk of rape by more than 50%. (http://www.blueprintsprograms.com/factsheet/eaaa-enhanced-assess-acknowledge-act-sexual-assault-resistance-education) You may want to see if a program like this is available in your area. Another great app for when you need to walk somewhere alone, is the Companion App (http://www.companionapp.io). Friends or family can track your progress from one point to another via the GPS in your phone.In addition, talking with a counselor about your fears would also be a good idea. Sometimes fears are rational and reasonable. Sometimes they are over-reactions and unreasonable. When then are over-reactions and unreasonable, they can have a negative impact on your life. In this case, a counselor could help you understand why your fears are unreasonable, and how you can stop them from negatively impacting your life. </s>

I've been like this ever since I was in school; back then I transferred to another school. Now I'm thinking about changing my job.

I recommend that you make a list of all the reasons you should change your life and all of the reasons you shouldn't change your life. Can the problem you are in be fixed? Is there others you can lean on for support? Are there other people you know who have been through a similar experience and are willing to share their story with you? It is important to rely on your support network to help you get multiple points of view. If you believe you need additional help, I suggest seeing a professional.

<s>[INST] I've been like this ever since I was in school; back then I transferred to another school. Now I'm thinking about changing my job. [/INST] I recommend that you make a list of all the reasons you should change your life and all of the reasons you shouldn't change your life. Can the problem you are in be fixed? Is there others you can lean on for support? Are there other people you know who have been through a similar experience and are willing to share their story with you? It is important to rely on your support network to help you get multiple points of view. If you believe you need additional help, I suggest seeing a professional. </s>

How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?

It is usually time to end counseling sessions when it is clear to both the client and the counselor that therapeutic goals have been reached and enough improvement has been made that the client can continue without that support. There are exceptions to this rule, but for the most part this is when counselors begin termination. For some clients, this is an easy process that marks the achievements they have made in working through their emotions and difficulties. For some other clients, however, this is a difficult process in which they are losing a valuable support and are understandably anxious about what life will be like without the frequent meetings. Ultimately, termination is different for everyone, and there are many ways that termination can be healthy and helpful.

<s>[INST] How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client? [/INST] It is usually time to end counseling sessions when it is clear to both the client and the counselor that therapeutic goals have been reached and enough improvement has been made that the client can continue without that support. There are exceptions to this rule, but for the most part this is when counselors begin termination. For some clients, this is an easy process that marks the achievements they have made in working through their emotions and difficulties. For some other clients, however, this is a difficult process in which they are losing a valuable support and are understandably anxious about what life will be like without the frequent meetings. Ultimately, termination is different for everyone, and there are many ways that termination can be healthy and helpful. </s>

I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?

Hello. First, I am so sorry you are experiencing these feelings. They can be intense, I will do my best to offer some suggestions or thoughts that I hope will be helpful to you. There could be a number of things occurring. Therapy is a delicate, private decision and I would first like to commend you for the fact that you are not giving up, that you are working to figure this out, and make this work, it sounds like you are engaged and motivated to receive support from a professional, your continued  dedication and motivation will take you far. I would first start by asking if you have discussed this with your therapist, if you feel comfortable enough telling your therapist what is going on, maybe inform the therapist that  that you feel nervous and shaky. I am a firm believer in open communication between the client and therapist as this builds a healthy therapeutic relationship that yields positive outcomes, if this can be obtained and well received. This is YOUR time for healing and therapy should be a safe, supportive environment to not only process but to seek support and guidance from a professional who can help you move past the barriers. If you feel you are comfortable and able to speak to your therapist, that would be my first suggestion, is to tell he or she how you are feeling. If they know then they can help determine the potential cause and allow you to process and move forward. If this is left un resolved it will be hard for you to move forward. If you are not comfortable discussing this with your therapist, this may be something to take into consideration and worthy of thinking about: why you are not comfortable speaking to the therapist. I understand this is difficult. If I may offer one more suggestion, breathing exercises are very beneficial. Remind yourself what you are working to achieve, close your eyes in a safe moment and breathe in and out slowly, in slowly through your nose and out through your mouth with pursed lips. Breathe in for approximately 5-10 seconds, then let it out slowly. Be sure and do this when you are in private, and feel safe environment. When you begin, I suggest putting your hand on your stomach, over your belly button to feel yourself actually taking in those deep breaths. I know it may sound kind of silly but they really work and are incredibly helpful. We often forget to breathe, especially when we  are feeling anxious. You are supported here and try taking yourself through the above thought process and breathing and practice the breathing several times a day. I hope this shaky and uneasy feeling eases. Wishing you the very best!Laura Cassity, LMSW, LMAC

<s>[INST] I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this? [/INST] Hello. First, I am so sorry you are experiencing these feelings. They can be intense, I will do my best to offer some suggestions or thoughts that I hope will be helpful to you. There could be a number of things occurring. Therapy is a delicate, private decision and I would first like to commend you for the fact that you are not giving up, that you are working to figure this out, and make this work, it sounds like you are engaged and motivated to receive support from a professional, your continued  dedication and motivation will take you far. I would first start by asking if you have discussed this with your therapist, if you feel comfortable enough telling your therapist what is going on, maybe inform the therapist that  that you feel nervous and shaky. I am a firm believer in open communication between the client and therapist as this builds a healthy therapeutic relationship that yields positive outcomes, if this can be obtained and well received. This is YOUR time for healing and therapy should be a safe, supportive environment to not only process but to seek support and guidance from a professional who can help you move past the barriers. If you feel you are comfortable and able to speak to your therapist, that would be my first suggestion, is to tell he or she how you are feeling. If they know then they can help determine the potential cause and allow you to process and move forward. If this is left un resolved it will be hard for you to move forward. If you are not comfortable discussing this with your therapist, this may be something to take into consideration and worthy of thinking about: why you are not comfortable speaking to the therapist. I understand this is difficult. If I may offer one more suggestion, breathing exercises are very beneficial. Remind yourself what you are working to achieve, close your eyes in a safe moment and breathe in and out slowly, in slowly through your nose and out through your mouth with pursed lips. Breathe in for approximately 5-10 seconds, then let it out slowly. Be sure and do this when you are in private, and feel safe environment. When you begin, I suggest putting your hand on your stomach, over your belly button to feel yourself actually taking in those deep breaths. I know it may sound kind of silly but they really work and are incredibly helpful. We often forget to breathe, especially when we  are feeling anxious. You are supported here and try taking yourself through the above thought process and breathing and practice the breathing several times a day. I hope this shaky and uneasy feeling eases. Wishing you the very best!Laura Cassity, LMSW, LMAC </s>

Hello, I have a cousin in my family who has been making me feel belittled, insecure, and frustrated during her stay here in the city. I know she comes from a place of love, but she has always been short-fused and highly temperamental if something doesn't work out the way she planned it. I have tried my best to coordinate plans with her, but she always ends up frustrated about the lack of communication I seem to have on my part and then makes condescending comments about my character that include: inconsiderate, negative, oblivious, and self consumed. I have tried to talk to her openly about this, but it always comes back as an attack on my character and I have never heard these comments from anyone else before. I have been thinking a lot about her comments and whether I truly am an inconsiderate person who is not thoughtful, spatially aware of surroundings/people, or positive, but in the end, I am feeling awfully hurt about how this has affected our relationship. What can I do?

It sounds like you are feeling pretty criticized by your cousin and at the same time you are wondering whether or not there is some truth in what she is saying. It also sounds like you would like to see if you can find a new way to relate to your cousin, so that your relationship can be more satisfying. If you can find a competent therapist to work with, there may be a great deal of opportunity to learn more about how you relate to people in the world and to learn strategies to show up in your relationship with your cousin in a way that feels right to you.

<s>[INST] Hello, I have a cousin in my family who has been making me feel belittled, insecure, and frustrated during her stay here in the city. I know she comes from a place of love, but she has always been short-fused and highly temperamental if something doesn't work out the way she planned it. I have tried my best to coordinate plans with her, but she always ends up frustrated about the lack of communication I seem to have on my part and then makes condescending comments about my character that include: inconsiderate, negative, oblivious, and self consumed. I have tried to talk to her openly about this, but it always comes back as an attack on my character and I have never heard these comments from anyone else before. I have been thinking a lot about her comments and whether I truly am an inconsiderate person who is not thoughtful, spatially aware of surroundings/people, or positive, but in the end, I am feeling awfully hurt about how this has affected our relationship. What can I do? [/INST] It sounds like you are feeling pretty criticized by your cousin and at the same time you are wondering whether or not there is some truth in what she is saying. It also sounds like you would like to see if you can find a new way to relate to your cousin, so that your relationship can be more satisfying. If you can find a competent therapist to work with, there may be a great deal of opportunity to learn more about how you relate to people in the world and to learn strategies to show up in your relationship with your cousin in a way that feels right to you. </s>

I am not sure if I am depressed. I don't know how to bring it up to my parents, and that makes me miserable.

Depending on your relationship with your parents, inviting them to have a conversation might be a good first step.  If they consent then you can have the opportunity to discuss your concerns with them.  Inviting someone to a conversation and getting their agreement is a great first step. I would then make sure your location of the discussion is conducive to the conversation and once all that is considered it might be beneficial that you make a list of your concerns prior to the meeting.  this can help keep you on point. 

<s>[INST] I am not sure if I am depressed. I don't know how to bring it up to my parents, and that makes me miserable. [/INST] Depending on your relationship with your parents, inviting them to have a conversation might be a good first step.  If they consent then you can have the opportunity to discuss your concerns with them.  Inviting someone to a conversation and getting their agreement is a great first step. I would then make sure your location of the discussion is conducive to the conversation and once all that is considered it might be beneficial that you make a list of your concerns prior to the meeting.  this can help keep you on point. </s>

I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and I’m beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I’ve been happily married for almost 35 years. I’ve never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?

This is a great question! I personally don't believe that any client could ever have too many issues for counseling. In fact, that type of thinking may be stopping you from seeking counseling, so it may be hindering you from getting the help you need. In fact, all of what you described points to the importance of you seeking help in order to cope with the many challenges in your life. If you seek counseling, it will be important for you to understand that you may need to remain in counseling for a sustained period of time in order to work through each of these issues. All of these issues won't be able to be solved right away or in a brief period of time. Counseling will take commitment and hard work, but it is possible for you to recover and heal from all of the issues you described.Many clients come into counseling with numerous issues rather than just one particular thing. Most of the time, the issues relate to and exacerbate each other. We call these "comorbid" conditions, which means that two or more mental health problems exist at one time. A lot of the times, when you start to work on one issue, the other issues get better as a result.I encourage you to find a professional therapist that can help you learn how to cope with all of the mental health difficulties that you described. You deserve the help just as much as anyone else.

<s>[INST] I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and I’m beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I’ve been happily married for almost 35 years. I’ve never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling? [/INST] This is a great question! I personally don't believe that any client could ever have too many issues for counseling. In fact, that type of thinking may be stopping you from seeking counseling, so it may be hindering you from getting the help you need. In fact, all of what you described points to the importance of you seeking help in order to cope with the many challenges in your life. If you seek counseling, it will be important for you to understand that you may need to remain in counseling for a sustained period of time in order to work through each of these issues. All of these issues won't be able to be solved right away or in a brief period of time. Counseling will take commitment and hard work, but it is possible for you to recover and heal from all of the issues you described.Many clients come into counseling with numerous issues rather than just one particular thing. Most of the time, the issues relate to and exacerbate each other. We call these "comorbid" conditions, which means that two or more mental health problems exist at one time. A lot of the times, when you start to work on one issue, the other issues get better as a result.I encourage you to find a professional therapist that can help you learn how to cope with all of the mental health difficulties that you described. You deserve the help just as much as anyone else. </s>

I blame my past relationship for it. I know it is bad to be this way. I want to get past it.

We humans are social beings. We learn how to BE in relationship as children. The caregiving you received (or didn't receive) set the stage for how you show up in all your adult relationships. Insecurity in relationships often has much to do with feeling unheard or unseen, perhaps feeling like you don't matter. There are many ways to rewire these relational patterns, the first step of which is taking pause and noticing that you are feeling insecure - so congrats on that because clearly you are already there!  Next I'd suggest finding a relationship therapist to help you sort through your insecurities, either as a couple or individually.

<s>[INST] I blame my past relationship for it. I know it is bad to be this way. I want to get past it. [/INST] We humans are social beings. We learn how to BE in relationship as children. The caregiving you received (or didn't receive) set the stage for how you show up in all your adult relationships. Insecurity in relationships often has much to do with feeling unheard or unseen, perhaps feeling like you don't matter. There are many ways to rewire these relational patterns, the first step of which is taking pause and noticing that you are feeling insecure - so congrats on that because clearly you are already there!  Next I'd suggest finding a relationship therapist to help you sort through your insecurities, either as a couple or individually. </s>

My toddler defies everything I say and doesn’t see me as authoritative, so she says no about everything. I'd like to hear some ways I can work on not needing to feel so much in control all the time.

Hi Biddeford,This is a super goal. Feeling powerless is something parents are wise to get used to; there's a creature in the home whose job it is to find and use their power in the family and in the world. Of course your toddler defies you, and that's healthy. I worry more about the overly compliant ones. She is wanting to know what the rules are, and all you have to do is show her clearly where the lines are. I'll give you some tips.First, remind yourself that it's her job to learn what the rules are, and where her power is. Don't be so surprised when she wants it her way. If we go through our days being ready and prepared for these beautiful creatures to have minds of their own, we're less caught off guard when it happens. Avoid situations that invite power struggles. Any time you tell your daughter "do this now", you set up a power struggle. The good thing is that she's young enough you can pick her up; now is the time to teach her that mom's (or dad's) word means something. So, if you say "let's get you dressed", then be prepared to pick her up right away and show her that when you say something will happen, you can make it happen. And I'm talking about gently picking her up here...not roughly. Pick your battles; only give instructions when you have the power to make it happen.Give her choices, so she can see her power. Instead of opening her drawer and asking what she wants to wear, give her two choices. Here's an example...she's on the ipad and you say ipad time is over. She says "no". You can say "ipad time is over. If you put it down, you can play later. If I have to take it away, you don't play it later." The choice is hers. Then follow through."When...then" statements are really helpful. Your child asks for something. Instead of saying no, try "as soon as the toys are picked up, we can have a snack". You're simply a pleasant parent who wants the same thing they do...but they have to earn it. Staying calm yourself is the key, because then at least you will feel in control of yourself, which is the ultimate goal. Use self-talk to calm yourself. Remind yourself her behaviour is normal and healthy. Breathe through a moment in which you would have reacted, and it will be over by the time the breath is done. You can give yourself time to think before you make parenting decisions. Time is a useful tool not enough parents use. Good luck!

<s>[INST] My toddler defies everything I say and doesn’t see me as authoritative, so she says no about everything. I'd like to hear some ways I can work on not needing to feel so much in control all the time. [/INST] Hi Biddeford,This is a super goal. Feeling powerless is something parents are wise to get used to; there's a creature in the home whose job it is to find and use their power in the family and in the world. Of course your toddler defies you, and that's healthy. I worry more about the overly compliant ones. She is wanting to know what the rules are, and all you have to do is show her clearly where the lines are. I'll give you some tips.First, remind yourself that it's her job to learn what the rules are, and where her power is. Don't be so surprised when she wants it her way. If we go through our days being ready and prepared for these beautiful creatures to have minds of their own, we're less caught off guard when it happens. Avoid situations that invite power struggles. Any time you tell your daughter "do this now", you set up a power struggle. The good thing is that she's young enough you can pick her up; now is the time to teach her that mom's (or dad's) word means something. So, if you say "let's get you dressed", then be prepared to pick her up right away and show her that when you say something will happen, you can make it happen. And I'm talking about gently picking her up here...not roughly. Pick your battles; only give instructions when you have the power to make it happen.Give her choices, so she can see her power. Instead of opening her drawer and asking what she wants to wear, give her two choices. Here's an example...she's on the ipad and you say ipad time is over. She says "no". You can say "ipad time is over. If you put it down, you can play later. If I have to take it away, you don't play it later." The choice is hers. Then follow through."When...then" statements are really helpful. Your child asks for something. Instead of saying no, try "as soon as the toys are picked up, we can have a snack". You're simply a pleasant parent who wants the same thing they do...but they have to earn it. Staying calm yourself is the key, because then at least you will feel in control of yourself, which is the ultimate goal. Use self-talk to calm yourself. Remind yourself her behaviour is normal and healthy. Breathe through a moment in which you would have reacted, and it will be over by the time the breath is done. You can give yourself time to think before you make parenting decisions. Time is a useful tool not enough parents use. Good luck! </s>

She cried because she lost all trust in me. Now I feel disgusting and like my heart just got stabbed, what do I do?

You felt bad when you lied, so you told the truth.  I imagine your mom was really shocked and upset - both of those things tell me you are a pretty honest person.  It's possible that your mom had a big reaction simply because she has learned that her child, from whom she always assumed honesty, was capable of being dishonest.  That's not awesome, but it's not the end of the world.  You made a mistake - you'll make more of those in your life, just try not to make the same ones over and over again.It sounds like you and your mom are close so I can see why it would feel so awful to have her distrust you.  Since you are a fundamentally honest person, the way back to being trusted is going to be simple, but may take a little time.  The "recipe" is easy - say what you are doing/going to do; do only that unless change is necessary, in which case you inform others involved, and repeat.  And cut yourself some slack.  Your mom will recover and so will you.  It's an important and painful lesson about integrity, but once learned it will serve you well.

<s>[INST] She cried because she lost all trust in me. Now I feel disgusting and like my heart just got stabbed, what do I do? [/INST] You felt bad when you lied, so you told the truth.  I imagine your mom was really shocked and upset - both of those things tell me you are a pretty honest person.  It's possible that your mom had a big reaction simply because she has learned that her child, from whom she always assumed honesty, was capable of being dishonest.  That's not awesome, but it's not the end of the world.  You made a mistake - you'll make more of those in your life, just try not to make the same ones over and over again.It sounds like you and your mom are close so I can see why it would feel so awful to have her distrust you.  Since you are a fundamentally honest person, the way back to being trusted is going to be simple, but may take a little time.  The "recipe" is easy - say what you are doing/going to do; do only that unless change is necessary, in which case you inform others involved, and repeat.  And cut yourself some slack.  Your mom will recover and so will you.  It's an important and painful lesson about integrity, but once learned it will serve you well. </s>

I am currently suffering from erectile dysfunction and have tried Viagra, Cialis, etc. Nothing seemed to work. My girlfriend of 3 years is very sexually frustrated. I told her that it is okay for her to have sex with other men. Is that really okay?

Hi, First and foremost, I want to acknowledge your efforts to gain (your) ideal erectile function. If the medications are not working and you have taken them as prescribed, I would encourage you to seek the help of a sex therapist as the dysfunction may be due to a psychological and/or relational issue rather than a physical/medical one. As for your question, only you can answer this. Is it OK? Are you OK with her sleeping with others? Have you thought through what this may look like, feel like, become for you and her? Opening up a relationship is a choice only the people in the relationship can answer. Even then, the answer may change at any point by either of you. I encourage you to also determine what the intention is underneath your telling your girlfriend she could sleep with others. Be clear with the intention and then together have continuous conversations about the expectations of opening up (i.e.: are there any kinds of sex that is off limits, areas of the body where touch or intimacy is not allowed, are uses of safer sex required or not, do you want to know the details or not, so forth). An excellent resource would be the book "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino. I wish you the best of luck!Dr. Lily Zehner, MFT-C

<s>[INST] I am currently suffering from erectile dysfunction and have tried Viagra, Cialis, etc. Nothing seemed to work. My girlfriend of 3 years is very sexually frustrated. I told her that it is okay for her to have sex with other men. Is that really okay? [/INST] Hi, First and foremost, I want to acknowledge your efforts to gain (your) ideal erectile function. If the medications are not working and you have taken them as prescribed, I would encourage you to seek the help of a sex therapist as the dysfunction may be due to a psychological and/or relational issue rather than a physical/medical one. As for your question, only you can answer this. Is it OK? Are you OK with her sleeping with others? Have you thought through what this may look like, feel like, become for you and her? Opening up a relationship is a choice only the people in the relationship can answer. Even then, the answer may change at any point by either of you. I encourage you to also determine what the intention is underneath your telling your girlfriend she could sleep with others. Be clear with the intention and then together have continuous conversations about the expectations of opening up (i.e.: are there any kinds of sex that is off limits, areas of the body where touch or intimacy is not allowed, are uses of safer sex required or not, do you want to know the details or not, so forth). An excellent resource would be the book "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino. I wish you the best of luck!Dr. Lily Zehner, MFT-C </s>

How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?

Thinking whether or not you have the right therapist can be overwhelming if you are not sure what you want or need. But think of this, you feel safe and comfortable that you share what you’ve never told anybody. You feel understood and listened to. You feel their support.  You trust them. Do you believe they can help you? If you do not, then that might make it hard for you to want to open up.As far as how would you how to train your therapist to help you. If you know what you need all you have to do is share this with your therapist.  If you don’t know then therapy is a collaborative process so both you and your therapist will work together to figure out your needs and how to best meet them.

<s>[INST] How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment? [/INST] Thinking whether or not you have the right therapist can be overwhelming if you are not sure what you want or need. But think of this, you feel safe and comfortable that you share what you’ve never told anybody. You feel understood and listened to. You feel their support.  You trust them. Do you believe they can help you? If you do not, then that might make it hard for you to want to open up.As far as how would you how to train your therapist to help you. If you know what you need all you have to do is share this with your therapist.  If you don’t know then therapy is a collaborative process so both you and your therapist will work together to figure out your needs and how to best meet them. </s>

I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?

What you are experiencing is extremely normal. Opening up to someone you don't know from a can of paint can elicit some uncomfortable feelings and make you feel shaky. With time and building trust with your therapist, you will eventually start feeling less apprehensive before sessions. Consider bringing this up to your therapist as you both can process this experience together and figure out ways of coping with this anxiety before you come into the therapy room.

<s>[INST] I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this? [/INST] What you are experiencing is extremely normal. Opening up to someone you don't know from a can of paint can elicit some uncomfortable feelings and make you feel shaky. With time and building trust with your therapist, you will eventually start feeling less apprehensive before sessions. Consider bringing this up to your therapist as you both can process this experience together and figure out ways of coping with this anxiety before you come into the therapy room. </s>

I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and I’m beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I’ve been happily married for almost 35 years. I’ve never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?

Hi! Many people begin their therapeutic journey with histories just like yours and experience transformative shifts in their quality of life.  I hope you are able to find a counselor you feel comfortable working with and do the work if you feel called. Best of luck on your journey!

<s>[INST] I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and I’m beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I’ve been happily married for almost 35 years. I’ve never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling? [/INST] Hi! Many people begin their therapeutic journey with histories just like yours and experience transformative shifts in their quality of life.  I hope you are able to find a counselor you feel comfortable working with and do the work if you feel called. Best of luck on your journey! </s>

I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?

Hi there, Thank you for your question. It's absolutely ok to feel nervous going to therapy. I have experienced anxiety going to see my own therapist. There can be a few reasons why you might feel this way. First, it is always unnerving to see a person who is a stranger and to share intimate things with that stranger. You mentioned it has only been a couple of sessions. Your anxiety might subside as you continue to see your therapist and grow more comfortable with him/her. Another reason why you might feel particularly nervous is perhaps you are not comfortable sharing things. As children, we might have bad experiences opening up to others. Someone might bully or ridicule us, and that experience can stay with us for a long time, making it extra scary to share our intimate feelings and thoughts with others. If this the case, as you continue with your sessions and have positive interactions with your therapists, this anxiety will subside with time and you will re-learn that it is safe to share. And the last thought why you might feel the shakes is perhaps you know that you need to talk about some past experiences or memories that are uncomfortable and difficult. Regardless of the reason, it might help you to bring up your nervousness in your session and share how you feel with your therapist. Having an open dialogue about your anxiety with your therapist can help you resolve some of that anxiety and built greater trust with your therapist. 

<s>[INST] I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this? [/INST] Hi there, Thank you for your question. It's absolutely ok to feel nervous going to therapy. I have experienced anxiety going to see my own therapist. There can be a few reasons why you might feel this way. First, it is always unnerving to see a person who is a stranger and to share intimate things with that stranger. You mentioned it has only been a couple of sessions. Your anxiety might subside as you continue to see your therapist and grow more comfortable with him/her. Another reason why you might feel particularly nervous is perhaps you are not comfortable sharing things. As children, we might have bad experiences opening up to others. Someone might bully or ridicule us, and that experience can stay with us for a long time, making it extra scary to share our intimate feelings and thoughts with others. If this the case, as you continue with your sessions and have positive interactions with your therapists, this anxiety will subside with time and you will re-learn that it is safe to share. And the last thought why you might feel the shakes is perhaps you know that you need to talk about some past experiences or memories that are uncomfortable and difficult. Regardless of the reason, it might help you to bring up your nervousness in your session and share how you feel with your therapist. Having an open dialogue about your anxiety with your therapist can help you resolve some of that anxiety and built greater trust with your therapist. </s>

We've been in a long distance relationship for two and a half years. I recently saw his phone and saw the people he texts the most and one of them was a female coworker. I don't know how to approach this situation. How do I ask him about it?.

I agree with Sherry that in a close intimate relationship, you are entitled to ask questions about his relationship with significant others. These questions help couples to build connection and trust. It's based on the idea that if you reach out to him for whatever reason (support, openess, understanding, empathy), you can count on him and can expect him to be responsive. How he responds to your question will give you an idea whether he helps you to feel more emotionally secure and builds trust or if you feel that you cannot be open with him. If your partner responds in an open and understanding manner, it usually indicates that he cares about your feelings and values your importance. If he responds in a defensive manner, it could mean that he does not like that you are questioning your trust in him or that he has something to hide. Either way, you may wish to explain that building trust is something that is very important to you in a relationship and that talking to him openly helps to foster that. If he continues to be defensive or evasive, then there might be some bigger issues at stake and the two of you may benefit from couples counselling or having a discussion about the values that are important to you in the relationship and how the two of you will go about supporting those values with actions.Dr. Virginia Chowwww.PsychologyResource.ca

<s>[INST] We've been in a long distance relationship for two and a half years. I recently saw his phone and saw the people he texts the most and one of them was a female coworker. I don't know how to approach this situation. How do I ask him about it?. [/INST] I agree with Sherry that in a close intimate relationship, you are entitled to ask questions about his relationship with significant others. These questions help couples to build connection and trust. It's based on the idea that if you reach out to him for whatever reason (support, openess, understanding, empathy), you can count on him and can expect him to be responsive. How he responds to your question will give you an idea whether he helps you to feel more emotionally secure and builds trust or if you feel that you cannot be open with him. If your partner responds in an open and understanding manner, it usually indicates that he cares about your feelings and values your importance. If he responds in a defensive manner, it could mean that he does not like that you are questioning your trust in him or that he has something to hide. Either way, you may wish to explain that building trust is something that is very important to you in a relationship and that talking to him openly helps to foster that. If he continues to be defensive or evasive, then there might be some bigger issues at stake and the two of you may benefit from couples counselling or having a discussion about the values that are important to you in the relationship and how the two of you will go about supporting those values with actions.Dr. Virginia Chowwww.PsychologyResource.ca </s>

I'm always listening to my husband, but it feels like he never listens to me. How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?

Unfortunately you can't directly change another person's behavior. However, you can give him feedback on how his not listening impacts you. The best way to provide feedback is in 3 parts. The first part is telling him the emotion you are experiencing when he doesn't listen, such as hurt, sad, and unloved. I would stay away from feelings such as frustrated, angry and irritated and use a more vulnerable emotion. The second part is what he does specifically to make you feel that way, be specific! Example: when I get home and tell you about my day and you don't look away from the tv. Be objective as possible when you describe his behavior. And the last part is the most important, tell him what you want him to do, and again be specific! Example: I would rather you turn off the tv, give me eye contact and reassure me about my day. Here is an example with all 3 parts together: I feel hurt when you don't say anything to me when I tell you about my fight with my friend, I want you to hug me and tell me you understand how I feel. Hope that helps!!

<s>[INST] I'm always listening to my husband, but it feels like he never listens to me. How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time? [/INST] Unfortunately you can't directly change another person's behavior. However, you can give him feedback on how his not listening impacts you. The best way to provide feedback is in 3 parts. The first part is telling him the emotion you are experiencing when he doesn't listen, such as hurt, sad, and unloved. I would stay away from feelings such as frustrated, angry and irritated and use a more vulnerable emotion. The second part is what he does specifically to make you feel that way, be specific! Example: when I get home and tell you about my day and you don't look away from the tv. Be objective as possible when you describe his behavior. And the last part is the most important, tell him what you want him to do, and again be specific! Example: I would rather you turn off the tv, give me eye contact and reassure me about my day. Here is an example with all 3 parts together: I feel hurt when you don't say anything to me when I tell you about my fight with my friend, I want you to hug me and tell me you understand how I feel. Hope that helps!! </s>

My spouse decided he no longer wanted me six years ago. Things have deteriorated so badly that we have separated but still live in the same house. He says he despises the sight of me, wants to be with other women, and divorce. What I don't understand is that he says constantly that I have no feelings for him and gets absurdly jealous if I speak to another male. Why does he constantly do these behaviors? I might add he has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and as a narcissist.

It sounds like this is quite difficult.It sounds as if sometimes your spouse want you to be a part of his life (which could be a part of where the jealousy comes from) and sometimes he doesn't. Talking about this would likely be a delicate conversation and from what you mention he has been diagnosed with, I'm wondering if he has a therapist. If so, do you know whether he would allow you to come to one session so you can learn more about how he feels? Maybe he would be to use more of it because in the contained environment of an therapy office. This way at least you would know where he's coming from. You could also ask whether he is able to hear what you want, wish for, or desire between the two of you.Remember, just because you hear or follow what he is saying does not imply that you agree with him, although that concept in itself could be a subject of discussion because not everyone is aware of it.I hope that you are able to hold onto who you are and what you want throughout this.

<s>[INST] My spouse decided he no longer wanted me six years ago. Things have deteriorated so badly that we have separated but still live in the same house. He says he despises the sight of me, wants to be with other women, and divorce. What I don't understand is that he says constantly that I have no feelings for him and gets absurdly jealous if I speak to another male. Why does he constantly do these behaviors? I might add he has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and as a narcissist. [/INST] It sounds like this is quite difficult.It sounds as if sometimes your spouse want you to be a part of his life (which could be a part of where the jealousy comes from) and sometimes he doesn't. Talking about this would likely be a delicate conversation and from what you mention he has been diagnosed with, I'm wondering if he has a therapist. If so, do you know whether he would allow you to come to one session so you can learn more about how he feels? Maybe he would be to use more of it because in the contained environment of an therapy office. This way at least you would know where he's coming from. You could also ask whether he is able to hear what you want, wish for, or desire between the two of you.Remember, just because you hear or follow what he is saying does not imply that you agree with him, although that concept in itself could be a subject of discussion because not everyone is aware of it.I hope that you are able to hold onto who you are and what you want throughout this. </s>

I find that I imagine things sexually, and I hate it because it puts strain on my relationship. I feel helpless and guilty. I want it to go away, and I want to make my woman happy again.

It is completely understandable that you would like to find a way to make these intrusive thoughts go away, however, your feeling that you can't control having these thoughts is accurate. It's also understandable that you would feel helpless and guilty, given that you see how these thoughts are effecting your relationship, though I would encourage you to go easy on yourself and remember that you aren't choosing to have these thoughts. I'm sure that if there was a switch to turn them off, you would flip it.There is no magic technique or pill that can guarantee these thoughts will go away, however, therapy may still have a lot to offer. In working with a competent therapist, you may be able to gain insight into where these thoughts are coming from and develop new ways of relating to them so that they do not leave you feeling as helpless and guilty and can be more present with your partner. Though there is no guarantee that the thoughts will go away, this may also be a result of work with a therapist. Either way, you may be able to find a way to deal with the thoughts and show up in your relationship in a way that will be satisfying to you and your partner.

<s>[INST] I find that I imagine things sexually, and I hate it because it puts strain on my relationship. I feel helpless and guilty. I want it to go away, and I want to make my woman happy again. [/INST] It is completely understandable that you would like to find a way to make these intrusive thoughts go away, however, your feeling that you can't control having these thoughts is accurate. It's also understandable that you would feel helpless and guilty, given that you see how these thoughts are effecting your relationship, though I would encourage you to go easy on yourself and remember that you aren't choosing to have these thoughts. I'm sure that if there was a switch to turn them off, you would flip it.There is no magic technique or pill that can guarantee these thoughts will go away, however, therapy may still have a lot to offer. In working with a competent therapist, you may be able to gain insight into where these thoughts are coming from and develop new ways of relating to them so that they do not leave you feeling as helpless and guilty and can be more present with your partner. Though there is no guarantee that the thoughts will go away, this may also be a result of work with a therapist. Either way, you may be able to find a way to deal with the thoughts and show up in your relationship in a way that will be satisfying to you and your partner. </s>

I crossdress and like to be feminine but I am attracted to women, but yet that seems to bother girls I date or ask out. How can I approach them about it? should I hold back and keep it a secret, or should I just be up-front about it. I wonder if i should stop or if I should continue to do it since it makes me happy. What should I do?

Keep doing the crossdressing since you like it.Your problem sounds more a matter of timing and reason to tell the girl about it.Not keeping a secret is a good attitude regarding meaningful parts of your life.  Usually our relationship partner is someone whom we trust as a safe person to know all about us.Once you feel at ease with your potential partner then bring up your crossdressing.  Based on their handling of this intimate part of your life, you will know more as to whether or not you feel more or less drawn to them.Secrets held within a relationship usually get worse with time.   The person who feels unsafe in truly being and stating themselves eventually will end up feeling ashamed of parts of them which prior to the relationship, felt good or at least not worrisome.

<s>[INST] I crossdress and like to be feminine but I am attracted to women, but yet that seems to bother girls I date or ask out. How can I approach them about it? should I hold back and keep it a secret, or should I just be up-front about it. I wonder if i should stop or if I should continue to do it since it makes me happy. What should I do? [/INST] Keep doing the crossdressing since you like it.Your problem sounds more a matter of timing and reason to tell the girl about it.Not keeping a secret is a good attitude regarding meaningful parts of your life.  Usually our relationship partner is someone whom we trust as a safe person to know all about us.Once you feel at ease with your potential partner then bring up your crossdressing.  Based on their handling of this intimate part of your life, you will know more as to whether or not you feel more or less drawn to them.Secrets held within a relationship usually get worse with time.   The person who feels unsafe in truly being and stating themselves eventually will end up feeling ashamed of parts of them which prior to the relationship, felt good or at least not worrisome. </s>

I feel really uncomfortable when I have people's attention. It makes me not want to talk in public or answer questions in class. Can I get over this social anxiety?

you can learn lots of skills/techniques to feel more confident in what you need to do that will decrease your anxious response for sure! :) And  you can also learn how to work with your personality that may not like the attention. You may find that "talking" to others through the internet is more comfortable and you are great at it, or that you love one on one talking but aren't really made for group talking. There is a place in this world for you either way! Public speaking skills can be practiced in speech class, or toastmaster group, they will give you practice in a safe environment where the cool kids or cutest boy aren't ready to laugh at you.  What topics are you interested in and what groups can you do a little speaking up? Maybe in your small group at church try and raise you hand to share your opinion, or maybe your Girl Scout troop? Look around for a peer and one adult who you like to hear speak out, ask them to share with you 2 things that help them feel comfortable speaking in public. Check out some Ted Talks and see how they share in groups. Social anxiety is a difficult concern and picking apart what is your awesome personality and what needs skill building and mindfulness/anxiety  help are important steps. Good luck!

<s>[INST] I feel really uncomfortable when I have people's attention. It makes me not want to talk in public or answer questions in class. Can I get over this social anxiety? [/INST] you can learn lots of skills/techniques to feel more confident in what you need to do that will decrease your anxious response for sure! :) And  you can also learn how to work with your personality that may not like the attention. You may find that "talking" to others through the internet is more comfortable and you are great at it, or that you love one on one talking but aren't really made for group talking. There is a place in this world for you either way! Public speaking skills can be practiced in speech class, or toastmaster group, they will give you practice in a safe environment where the cool kids or cutest boy aren't ready to laugh at you.  What topics are you interested in and what groups can you do a little speaking up? Maybe in your small group at church try and raise you hand to share your opinion, or maybe your Girl Scout troop? Look around for a peer and one adult who you like to hear speak out, ask them to share with you 2 things that help them feel comfortable speaking in public. Check out some Ted Talks and see how they share in groups. Social anxiety is a difficult concern and picking apart what is your awesome personality and what needs skill building and mindfulness/anxiety  help are important steps. Good luck! </s>

I have been dating my ex-boyfriend’s cousin for a few years. We have gotten pretty serious. He wants to cut it off because people are giving him a hard time that our kids will be related to my ex.

Does your boyfriend agree with the other people's opinions or is the problem that he feels that doing what they want will be an easy way to stop hearing them say what he doesn't like hearing?Talk through whether he actually believes what the others are telling him or figures that complying will make them stop bothering him.Once the two of you understand what, if any, the differences are in the opinions you each have on the double relationship status, you'll be more clear whether the differences can be aligned somehow.

<s>[INST] I have been dating my ex-boyfriend’s cousin for a few years. We have gotten pretty serious. He wants to cut it off because people are giving him a hard time that our kids will be related to my ex. [/INST] Does your boyfriend agree with the other people's opinions or is the problem that he feels that doing what they want will be an easy way to stop hearing them say what he doesn't like hearing?Talk through whether he actually believes what the others are telling him or figures that complying will make them stop bothering him.Once the two of you understand what, if any, the differences are in the opinions you each have on the double relationship status, you'll be more clear whether the differences can be aligned somehow. </s>

I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has "friends" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected?

Absolutely. Your question shows that you are going through a lot of pain and I'm sorry for that. Many couples go through this disconnect and hope to come to reconnect before things get to a breaking point. What I think can help is the following: 1.) Understand what his primary concern is2.) Understand what your primary concern is3.) What would you like to see different?4.) What would he like to see different? 5.) Be honest about your concern with him having friends (Be ready for honesty)6.) Help him understand you feel alone without him feeling guilty.7.) Let him know how committed you are to making this relationship despite the two of you drifting apart.8.) Sometimes if you just acknowledge the elephant in the room.9.) Couples/Marriage Therapy

<s>[INST] I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has "friends" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected? [/INST] Absolutely. Your question shows that you are going through a lot of pain and I'm sorry for that. Many couples go through this disconnect and hope to come to reconnect before things get to a breaking point. What I think can help is the following: 1.) Understand what his primary concern is2.) Understand what your primary concern is3.) What would you like to see different?4.) What would he like to see different? 5.) Be honest about your concern with him having friends (Be ready for honesty)6.) Help him understand you feel alone without him feeling guilty.7.) Let him know how committed you are to making this relationship despite the two of you drifting apart.8.) Sometimes if you just acknowledge the elephant in the room.9.) Couples/Marriage Therapy </s>

I'm not suicidal and wouldn't take my own life, but sometimes, I've wished for an accident to occur and take it. I feel like I just shouldn't be here and wish I wouldn't have been born so I didn't have to go through life. For me, it's a chore, but I don't know if that's normal or a sign of something.

Sounds like a sign of great unhappiness, or sadness, or insecurity.The real way you'll find out what this feeling is about is to ask yourself your own question.  Inside you are the only one who will feel when you discover the true answer to your question.Everyone feels some amount of discontent in their lives once in a while. Its normal to not feel entirely happy all the time.Try to accept your unhappiness as motivation to learn more about who you are, what you like, whom you like.Study yourself bc this way you increase the chance to find a road which feels right and happy.

<s>[INST] I'm not suicidal and wouldn't take my own life, but sometimes, I've wished for an accident to occur and take it. I feel like I just shouldn't be here and wish I wouldn't have been born so I didn't have to go through life. For me, it's a chore, but I don't know if that's normal or a sign of something. [/INST] Sounds like a sign of great unhappiness, or sadness, or insecurity.The real way you'll find out what this feeling is about is to ask yourself your own question.  Inside you are the only one who will feel when you discover the true answer to your question.Everyone feels some amount of discontent in their lives once in a while. Its normal to not feel entirely happy all the time.Try to accept your unhappiness as motivation to learn more about who you are, what you like, whom you like.Study yourself bc this way you increase the chance to find a road which feels right and happy. </s>

How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client?

In my therapy practice the decision to end therapy is mutually made together with the patient.Otherwise, the person can end up with a sense of tremendous rejection and abandonment.The way you'll both know therapy is coming to a close is that the discussion will feel lighter and move easily.The person's mood will be better, they will smile more, sit in their seat in a more relaxed way, look more at ease, take better care of their appearance.One of the ways to end therapy is to gradually decrease the frequency of the sessions.Sometimes people who are in my practice start to come each three weeks, then monthly, then every three months.This gives a sense of security, friendliness, and casualness to the therapy, and de-medicalizes it as though the person was treated for a medical symptom and the symptom stops completely one day.Talk therapy is about life and life problems usually end gradually.I end my therapy in a way which mirrors the life process in which many interaction and situation problems show their effects gradually and show different effects over time.

<s>[INST] How does a counselor decide when to end counseling sessions or to terminate working with a client? [/INST] In my therapy practice the decision to end therapy is mutually made together with the patient.Otherwise, the person can end up with a sense of tremendous rejection and abandonment.The way you'll both know therapy is coming to a close is that the discussion will feel lighter and move easily.The person's mood will be better, they will smile more, sit in their seat in a more relaxed way, look more at ease, take better care of their appearance.One of the ways to end therapy is to gradually decrease the frequency of the sessions.Sometimes people who are in my practice start to come each three weeks, then monthly, then every three months.This gives a sense of security, friendliness, and casualness to the therapy, and de-medicalizes it as though the person was treated for a medical symptom and the symptom stops completely one day.Talk therapy is about life and life problems usually end gradually.I end my therapy in a way which mirrors the life process in which many interaction and situation problems show their effects gradually and show different effects over time. </s>

I have cheated on my husband of five years roughly ten times. I pretend we aren't married at my work. Recently, he has caught on, but I lie to cover it. He use to talk to girls online, but I have caught myself constantly having a affair.

It may be helpful to have this emotionally impactful conversation in the context of couples therapy.Whether or not you should get a divorce is not the first question that comes to mind for me, but more along the lines of do you want to be together and what kind of relationship do you want to create?For some people, polyamorous relationships (those involving more than two people) are acceptable. This does not work for everyone, but if each of you agree that that is okay, it may work for you and your husband. If it is something that you are both open to, it is often beneficial to have more than one discussion about the details of what is acceptable for each of you.If you want to be devoted only to each other, what does that lifestyle look like for each of you? What can you start or stop doing right now to move your relationship in that direction?Neither of you can make the other partner change. That does not mean you cannot talk about what each of your goals are together and support each other in working toward those goals you have for yourselves.Sometime having discussions like these is easier when there is a structure and/or someone in the room (like a therapist) who can help keep the conversation on topic and work on having each of you communicate in a way that expresses your wants, wishes, and desires in a way that is not blaming of your partner.If either of you wants a divorce, that could be part of the discussion. Divorce is not the only choice here, depending upon what each of you wants and is willing to accept, learn, and grow from as it relates to yourself and your partner.

<s>[INST] I have cheated on my husband of five years roughly ten times. I pretend we aren't married at my work. Recently, he has caught on, but I lie to cover it. He use to talk to girls online, but I have caught myself constantly having a affair. [/INST] It may be helpful to have this emotionally impactful conversation in the context of couples therapy.Whether or not you should get a divorce is not the first question that comes to mind for me, but more along the lines of do you want to be together and what kind of relationship do you want to create?For some people, polyamorous relationships (those involving more than two people) are acceptable. This does not work for everyone, but if each of you agree that that is okay, it may work for you and your husband. If it is something that you are both open to, it is often beneficial to have more than one discussion about the details of what is acceptable for each of you.If you want to be devoted only to each other, what does that lifestyle look like for each of you? What can you start or stop doing right now to move your relationship in that direction?Neither of you can make the other partner change. That does not mean you cannot talk about what each of your goals are together and support each other in working toward those goals you have for yourselves.Sometime having discussions like these is easier when there is a structure and/or someone in the room (like a therapist) who can help keep the conversation on topic and work on having each of you communicate in a way that expresses your wants, wishes, and desires in a way that is not blaming of your partner.If either of you wants a divorce, that could be part of the discussion. Divorce is not the only choice here, depending upon what each of you wants and is willing to accept, learn, and grow from as it relates to yourself and your partner. </s>

How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?

Finding the right therapist for you is very important and can sometimes be tricky. It can sometimes take a number of sessions to get a good sense of whether you and your therapist are the "right fit."  The first couple of sessions are generally spent on gathering information, formulating a plan of treatment, and building the client/therapist relationship. The client/therapist relationship will be very different from other relationships you have experienced.  You will know you have found the right therapist when you notice there is a good rapport between the two of you.  You will get a sense that the therapist "gets you" and understands the issues being presented. If you feel that you can trust your therapist and feel comfortable opening up and providing feedback during your sessions then you know it is a good fit. In terms of "how to train your therapist how to give you what you need from treatment" the therapeutic relationship is collaborative so the two of you will be working together as a team. During your sessions, the goal is for you to feel comfortable giving feedback about what is working and what is not working in your sessions. When you express your needs to your therapist then the two of you will discuss the best ways to get those needs met in order to maximize the effectiveness of your sessions.

<s>[INST] How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment? [/INST] Finding the right therapist for you is very important and can sometimes be tricky. It can sometimes take a number of sessions to get a good sense of whether you and your therapist are the "right fit."  The first couple of sessions are generally spent on gathering information, formulating a plan of treatment, and building the client/therapist relationship. The client/therapist relationship will be very different from other relationships you have experienced.  You will know you have found the right therapist when you notice there is a good rapport between the two of you.  You will get a sense that the therapist "gets you" and understands the issues being presented. If you feel that you can trust your therapist and feel comfortable opening up and providing feedback during your sessions then you know it is a good fit. In terms of "how to train your therapist how to give you what you need from treatment" the therapeutic relationship is collaborative so the two of you will be working together as a team. During your sessions, the goal is for you to feel comfortable giving feedback about what is working and what is not working in your sessions. When you express your needs to your therapist then the two of you will discuss the best ways to get those needs met in order to maximize the effectiveness of your sessions. </s>

I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship.

Ending an abusive relationship is often very difficult, especially if you were very close initially without the presence of abuse.  If the abuse included verbal or psychological condemnation, you will often have a negative self-image that you may "know" is not true but often feels very true. This negative self-image and fear of being abused again can activate protections in you that were needed at the time you were abused but now create a "wall" in your current relationship.  The fact that you were able to end the relationship and know that you made the right decision is a great acknowledgement that you have solid internal resources to draw upon in healing from the abuse.  Good for you!Nightmares and flashbacks are a strong sign of memories, including associated beliefs, emotions, and physical sensations, that have remained unprocessed and therefore unhealed.  There are likely reminders (called triggers) of the past abuse that are being activated in your current relationship that are allowing these unhealed memories to come to the surface and affect both your sleep and your waking experiences.  This is certainly not something you are purposefully doing but is the result of what happened to you.  However, you likely feel as if you are not in control.    The goal is protect your current relationship, evaluate your self-image for flaws in beliefs and feelings, and begin working on healing your memories of abuse. In many cases, my use of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) would be helpful in reducing the emotional strength of your abuse memories, reduce or eliminate triggers, bring healing, and allow you to enjoy being in the present with your current relationship.  I would recommend discussing with your current partner your harmful past experiences, your decision to pursue counseling, and your strong desire to be healthy for your current relationship.  With a good support network in place, healing is very possible.

<s>[INST] I was the one who ended it, and I'm so glad I did. It was the best decision I made in my life. But how do I stop the nightmares and flashbacks? It is creating a wall in my current relationship. [/INST] Ending an abusive relationship is often very difficult, especially if you were very close initially without the presence of abuse.  If the abuse included verbal or psychological condemnation, you will often have a negative self-image that you may "know" is not true but often feels very true. This negative self-image and fear of being abused again can activate protections in you that were needed at the time you were abused but now create a "wall" in your current relationship.  The fact that you were able to end the relationship and know that you made the right decision is a great acknowledgement that you have solid internal resources to draw upon in healing from the abuse.  Good for you!Nightmares and flashbacks are a strong sign of memories, including associated beliefs, emotions, and physical sensations, that have remained unprocessed and therefore unhealed.  There are likely reminders (called triggers) of the past abuse that are being activated in your current relationship that are allowing these unhealed memories to come to the surface and affect both your sleep and your waking experiences.  This is certainly not something you are purposefully doing but is the result of what happened to you.  However, you likely feel as if you are not in control.    The goal is protect your current relationship, evaluate your self-image for flaws in beliefs and feelings, and begin working on healing your memories of abuse. In many cases, my use of EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) would be helpful in reducing the emotional strength of your abuse memories, reduce or eliminate triggers, bring healing, and allow you to enjoy being in the present with your current relationship.  I would recommend discussing with your current partner your harmful past experiences, your decision to pursue counseling, and your strong desire to be healthy for your current relationship.  With a good support network in place, healing is very possible. </s>

How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment?

The right therapist is [a] man or woman with whom you see an immediate and continual improvement in your issue, up until the point when you no longer need them anymore.Think of them as a mechanic who should be able to fix your car relatively quickly; and, if he doesn't fix it, you fire him :)

<s>[INST] How do you know you have the right therapist for you? How would I know how to "train" my therapist to be able to give me what I need from treatment? [/INST] The right therapist is [a] man or woman with whom you see an immediate and continual improvement in your issue, up until the point when you no longer need them anymore.Think of them as a mechanic who should be able to fix your car relatively quickly; and, if he doesn't fix it, you fire him :) </s>

I've been going through a rough time lately. I been into nothing but women. I’ve never thought about men until a week ago. I’m very upset and depressed about this. It's not normal to me. I looked at gay porn more than once to prove that I’m not gay. I get the same results each time, and I feel disgust. This is tough on me. I'm scared that I looked too many times. I keep thinking about it and shake all the time.

Hello. Coming to terms with the idea that you might be of a sexuality other than the one in which you were socially raised to be, can be emotionally disturbing, and quite unsettling. It creates anxiety, maybe even panic, and leaves us feeling confused and uncertain about our own sense of identity. It becomes important to first ask yourself how you feel when you are thinking of being intimate with guys, or if you desire them to be intimate with you. It is important to know what impact this has on you, because it can determine your level of follow through and desire in pursuing sexual activity with someone of the same sex. I am not going to pass judgment on you either way - even for having the thoughts. I have worked with the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer (LGBTQ) community in various ways over the years. Many I speak to, say they had to struggle to come to terms with this awareness about how they see themselves sexually. Maybe you are bisexual, and don't have an exclusive attraction to the same sex. You might consider doing some searches online for community support groups in your area, to explore the feelings and issues around this topic. Talking to someone who you trust can be helpful too. Running from your feelings is not a good idea, and others in a support group for sexuality issues, might be able to relate to you and what you're going through right now. This will offer you perspective, as you think on how this plays out in your life.Counselors are typically well trained to provide clinical services to clients who are experiencing feelings and thoughts much like the ones you are having now. I encourage you to consider reaching out for help. You are not crazy or insane for thinking of working with a counselor, nor of having feelings of same sex attraction. If you decide you are indeed gay, then know that you are not alone and never will be alone in that feeling. There is a huge community of support for you. Additionally, we all need help sometimes dealing with all sort of issues. A counselor can work more in depth with you to examine the motivations behind the feelings, and help you come to terms with them more directly. I hope that you come to a place where you feel less alone and more secure with yourself as you examine this area of your life. No matter what, do not fear being yourself. Again...you are not alone, I promise.Warm regards,Shawn Berthel, M.S., LMHC

<s>[INST] I've been going through a rough time lately. I been into nothing but women. I’ve never thought about men until a week ago. I’m very upset and depressed about this. It's not normal to me. I looked at gay porn more than once to prove that I’m not gay. I get the same results each time, and I feel disgust. This is tough on me. I'm scared that I looked too many times. I keep thinking about it and shake all the time. [/INST] Hello. Coming to terms with the idea that you might be of a sexuality other than the one in which you were socially raised to be, can be emotionally disturbing, and quite unsettling. It creates anxiety, maybe even panic, and leaves us feeling confused and uncertain about our own sense of identity. It becomes important to first ask yourself how you feel when you are thinking of being intimate with guys, or if you desire them to be intimate with you. It is important to know what impact this has on you, because it can determine your level of follow through and desire in pursuing sexual activity with someone of the same sex. I am not going to pass judgment on you either way - even for having the thoughts. I have worked with the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer (LGBTQ) community in various ways over the years. Many I speak to, say they had to struggle to come to terms with this awareness about how they see themselves sexually. Maybe you are bisexual, and don't have an exclusive attraction to the same sex. You might consider doing some searches online for community support groups in your area, to explore the feelings and issues around this topic. Talking to someone who you trust can be helpful too. Running from your feelings is not a good idea, and others in a support group for sexuality issues, might be able to relate to you and what you're going through right now. This will offer you perspective, as you think on how this plays out in your life.Counselors are typically well trained to provide clinical services to clients who are experiencing feelings and thoughts much like the ones you are having now. I encourage you to consider reaching out for help. You are not crazy or insane for thinking of working with a counselor, nor of having feelings of same sex attraction. If you decide you are indeed gay, then know that you are not alone and never will be alone in that feeling. There is a huge community of support for you. Additionally, we all need help sometimes dealing with all sort of issues. A counselor can work more in depth with you to examine the motivations behind the feelings, and help you come to terms with them more directly. I hope that you come to a place where you feel less alone and more secure with yourself as you examine this area of your life. No matter what, do not fear being yourself. Again...you are not alone, I promise.Warm regards,Shawn Berthel, M.S., LMHC </s>

I'm feeling rejected and frustrated. This is not new. The first month we were together, sex was about every day. Then it slowed down to once a month right away. I love my husband, but I am struggling with this.

Feeling rejected and frustrated is a reasonable reaction to your experience with your husband. I want to encourage you that his actions may have little to do with you, and regardless of outcomes, I hope you find the help you need to process through your pain and still have hope for your marriage.   If your husband was to work with me I'd explore with him his understanding of, and experience with, intimacy in relationship with others. Furthermore, like other male clients of mine, I'd challenge your husband to secure an updated full medical exam from his PCP (primary care physician) and/or urologist in order to identify or rule out any organic issues which may be causing his apparent lack of desire for sexual intimacy. If there are no physical issues, per se, I would encourage your husband to process further his family of origin story-line regarding rules, roles, sex, and sexuality along with working through his sexual and trauma histories.

<s>[INST] I'm feeling rejected and frustrated. This is not new. The first month we were together, sex was about every day. Then it slowed down to once a month right away. I love my husband, but I am struggling with this. [/INST] Feeling rejected and frustrated is a reasonable reaction to your experience with your husband. I want to encourage you that his actions may have little to do with you, and regardless of outcomes, I hope you find the help you need to process through your pain and still have hope for your marriage.   If your husband was to work with me I'd explore with him his understanding of, and experience with, intimacy in relationship with others. Furthermore, like other male clients of mine, I'd challenge your husband to secure an updated full medical exam from his PCP (primary care physician) and/or urologist in order to identify or rule out any organic issues which may be causing his apparent lack of desire for sexual intimacy. If there are no physical issues, per se, I would encourage your husband to process further his family of origin story-line regarding rules, roles, sex, and sexuality along with working through his sexual and trauma histories. </s>

I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and I’m beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I’ve been happily married for almost 35 years. I’ve never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?

Hello, I'm so glad you decided to take the first step in opening a conversation first. Deciding to go to therapy can sometimes be difficult for some, but with the right therapist, healing is possible and obtainable, even with what you've described. To answer your question, no you do not have too many issues to go to counseling.  You've been through a lot and have been strong and at times it's helpful to have someone else to help you through it. What I would say is to be sure and find a therapist who is experienced in sexual abuse and trauma overall. But you absolutely do not have too many issues for counseling. Please feel free to ask any other questions you may have regarding your situation and I hope you find the therapist you're looking for, there are many great ones out there. Many of the issues you're experiencing may be tied together from the trauma. Best Wishes. Laura Cassity, LMSW, LMAC

<s>[INST] I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and I’m beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I’ve been happily married for almost 35 years. I’ve never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling? [/INST] Hello, I'm so glad you decided to take the first step in opening a conversation first. Deciding to go to therapy can sometimes be difficult for some, but with the right therapist, healing is possible and obtainable, even with what you've described. To answer your question, no you do not have too many issues to go to counseling.  You've been through a lot and have been strong and at times it's helpful to have someone else to help you through it. What I would say is to be sure and find a therapist who is experienced in sexual abuse and trauma overall. But you absolutely do not have too many issues for counseling. Please feel free to ask any other questions you may have regarding your situation and I hope you find the therapist you're looking for, there are many great ones out there. Many of the issues you're experiencing may be tied together from the trauma. Best Wishes. Laura Cassity, LMSW, LMAC </s>

How does a person start the counseling process?

Honestly, don't :(Talk with your close friends, first (y'know, the ones you actually can tell sh*t to, not the more surface level ones, god-bless-their-souls...Be with your family; should you have a fine relationship with them, tell them and utilize them; they gave you life and that bond (especially between a mother and son) is unbreakable.Go with your faith; as often as various faiths have been blasted and lambasted around the world, understand that they're ultimately trying to get you closer to God :) And, ain't that a big thing.Go with those around you FIRST that actually MIGHT GIVE A CR*P about you, FIRST, before going to a total stranger you've never met before, that is just as damaged, stupid, and imperfect as we all are.

<s>[INST] How does a person start the counseling process? [/INST] Honestly, don't :(Talk with your close friends, first (y'know, the ones you actually can tell sh*t to, not the more surface level ones, god-bless-their-souls...Be with your family; should you have a fine relationship with them, tell them and utilize them; they gave you life and that bond (especially between a mother and son) is unbreakable.Go with your faith; as often as various faiths have been blasted and lambasted around the world, understand that they're ultimately trying to get you closer to God :) And, ain't that a big thing.Go with those around you FIRST that actually MIGHT GIVE A CR*P about you, FIRST, before going to a total stranger you've never met before, that is just as damaged, stupid, and imperfect as we all are. </s>

I nanny a three year old. When he wakes up in the morning he calls out for someone to come get him. If I am the one to go get him out of bed he gets really upset and refuses to let me near him. He screams that he wants his mom or dad (they work from home). The rest of the day he loves me. But not in the mornings. What can I do?

It is very likely the child is upset by the fact that the parents have left, more than that he hates you in particular.The fact that by afternoon he is happy with you shows more likelihood that he reacts to the parents departure more than who you are.

<s>[INST] I nanny a three year old. When he wakes up in the morning he calls out for someone to come get him. If I am the one to go get him out of bed he gets really upset and refuses to let me near him. He screams that he wants his mom or dad (they work from home). The rest of the day he loves me. But not in the mornings. What can I do? [/INST] It is very likely the child is upset by the fact that the parents have left, more than that he hates you in particular.The fact that by afternoon he is happy with you shows more likelihood that he reacts to the parents departure more than who you are. </s>

I have a fear of something and I want to face that fear to overcome it, but I don't know how. What can I do?

Biologically, fear is designed to protect us from harm. Fear is not always a bad thing, and in fact can be quite healthy and appropriate depending on the situation. A phobia, however, is different. You used the term "fear" rather than "phobia". A phobia is an irrational fear - meaning it is not rational for you to fear that thing. If your situation is a phobia, exposure therapy can help. This consists of gradually exposing yourself a little at a time to the thing you are afraid of. Some people with phobias find that the irrational fear interferes with their life and they do need to overcome it. Someone who is afraid to drive over bridges may go to great lengths to avoid routes that have bridges. People who are afraid of elevators may always use the stairs instead, which may not always be feasible. If overcoming a phobia will improve the quality of your life, then by all means, seek professional help to overcome it.Everyone has fears, or things that make them nervous. Public speaking, asking a person out, fear of failure. Examine what your fear is and try to determine the reason for the fear. When you can get to the root cause of the fear, you can deal with that issue. A lot of times, it is a self-esteem issue. You may be able to peel back the layers of the fear and find out what's causing it and deal with the real issue. Some fears are caused by trauma. Someone with PTSD is going to have an exaggerated fear response and will find themselves being kicked into "fight or flight" mode over things that someone without the trauma experience wouldn't notice or react to. In cases like this, exposure therapy would be the wrong approach and could actually make things worse. If there is a possibility that a past trauma is the cause of your fear, I strongly urge you to seek a therapist - not just any therapist, but one who is trained to work with trauma and abuse victims.

<s>[INST] I have a fear of something and I want to face that fear to overcome it, but I don't know how. What can I do? [/INST] Biologically, fear is designed to protect us from harm. Fear is not always a bad thing, and in fact can be quite healthy and appropriate depending on the situation. A phobia, however, is different. You used the term "fear" rather than "phobia". A phobia is an irrational fear - meaning it is not rational for you to fear that thing. If your situation is a phobia, exposure therapy can help. This consists of gradually exposing yourself a little at a time to the thing you are afraid of. Some people with phobias find that the irrational fear interferes with their life and they do need to overcome it. Someone who is afraid to drive over bridges may go to great lengths to avoid routes that have bridges. People who are afraid of elevators may always use the stairs instead, which may not always be feasible. If overcoming a phobia will improve the quality of your life, then by all means, seek professional help to overcome it.Everyone has fears, or things that make them nervous. Public speaking, asking a person out, fear of failure. Examine what your fear is and try to determine the reason for the fear. When you can get to the root cause of the fear, you can deal with that issue. A lot of times, it is a self-esteem issue. You may be able to peel back the layers of the fear and find out what's causing it and deal with the real issue. Some fears are caused by trauma. Someone with PTSD is going to have an exaggerated fear response and will find themselves being kicked into "fight or flight" mode over things that someone without the trauma experience wouldn't notice or react to. In cases like this, exposure therapy would be the wrong approach and could actually make things worse. If there is a possibility that a past trauma is the cause of your fear, I strongly urge you to seek a therapist - not just any therapist, but one who is trained to work with trauma and abuse victims. </s>

There is just no communication at all between us. She sleeps constantly all day (not at night). She acts angry and unfocused and stays in her very messy room all the time. The only time she comes out is to eat. She has aches and fatigue, weight gain, hair loss and skin problems. She does not look after her health. I don't know how to communicate with her. She is not open to any suggestions. How do I get through to her?

1. She's an adult.2. She lives in your house? She follows your rules.3. What you're describing could be any number of things, but could potentially be a medical issue that needs attention. Thyroid issues, autoimmune diseases - there's a ton of medical possibilities for her symptoms. I'm not a doctor; this is a forum of therapists.4. I recommend the book "Codependent No More" which may help you navigate your rocky relationship with your adult daughter. You may be inadvertently making things worse by "helping" her which can instead enable her to continue her behaviors. Another book you may find helpful is "Boundaries: Where you end and I begin". You cannot control another person, especially an adult. The only person you can control is yourself. Tough love is sometimes needed, and she is an adult - treat her like one. Maybe then she'll act like one. If we were having this conversation in person, you would interrupt me at this point with a "but..." and then explain all the reasons why you can't tell her to move out, get a job, get up and cook or clean the house, etc. I already know that you have a myriad of excuses for things being the way they are. Yes, I said excuses instead of reasons, because that's what they are. You may feel stuck and like you have to take care of her, but you have choices - you just may not like them. I know that when children are small, parents' lives are focused around them (some more than others) and decisions are made around what is best for your child. But you said your daughter is an adult. The relationship dynamics must change if the relationship is to be a healthy one. I know how difficult it is to watch your child make life choices that you wouldn't want for them, no matter what that choice may be. As a parent, we want to force them to do what we think is "the right thing" but trying to do that only results in frustrations for everyone involved. Whether the issue is a hair color, a tattoo, a lifestyle choice, a job, or choosing not to work or take care of their health, or doing drugs, or drinking - the choice is theirs and theirs alone and so are the consequences of those choices.

<s>[INST] There is just no communication at all between us. She sleeps constantly all day (not at night). She acts angry and unfocused and stays in her very messy room all the time. The only time she comes out is to eat. She has aches and fatigue, weight gain, hair loss and skin problems. She does not look after her health. I don't know how to communicate with her. She is not open to any suggestions. How do I get through to her? [/INST] 1. She's an adult.2. She lives in your house? She follows your rules.3. What you're describing could be any number of things, but could potentially be a medical issue that needs attention. Thyroid issues, autoimmune diseases - there's a ton of medical possibilities for her symptoms. I'm not a doctor; this is a forum of therapists.4. I recommend the book "Codependent No More" which may help you navigate your rocky relationship with your adult daughter. You may be inadvertently making things worse by "helping" her which can instead enable her to continue her behaviors. Another book you may find helpful is "Boundaries: Where you end and I begin". You cannot control another person, especially an adult. The only person you can control is yourself. Tough love is sometimes needed, and she is an adult - treat her like one. Maybe then she'll act like one. If we were having this conversation in person, you would interrupt me at this point with a "but..." and then explain all the reasons why you can't tell her to move out, get a job, get up and cook or clean the house, etc. I already know that you have a myriad of excuses for things being the way they are. Yes, I said excuses instead of reasons, because that's what they are. You may feel stuck and like you have to take care of her, but you have choices - you just may not like them. I know that when children are small, parents' lives are focused around them (some more than others) and decisions are made around what is best for your child. But you said your daughter is an adult. The relationship dynamics must change if the relationship is to be a healthy one. I know how difficult it is to watch your child make life choices that you wouldn't want for them, no matter what that choice may be. As a parent, we want to force them to do what we think is "the right thing" but trying to do that only results in frustrations for everyone involved. Whether the issue is a hair color, a tattoo, a lifestyle choice, a job, or choosing not to work or take care of their health, or doing drugs, or drinking - the choice is theirs and theirs alone and so are the consequences of those choices. </s>

My ex-boyfriend boyfriend and I lived together. He had a two year affair with a girl and had three pregnancies with her. One was an abortion, another was a miscarriage, and then she had the third baby. They are not together, but he continues to contact me and wants me back. He has nothing to offer me.

Hi Attica,This is a question I think a lot of people deal with...they feel confusion about why they can't forget about or get over (or stop connecting with) someone who they absolutely know isn't good for them. In your case, part of the problem is that he keeps trying to get back in touch with you. For some people, honestly, it's a game... to see how much power they have over you or it's their need to control you. If you don't want contact from this person, it's really important to give him clear messages about boundaries ("Don't contact me again"), and then ignore all of their communications. Any interactions or responses from you at all will feed their behaviour. Remind yourself why you don't want to be with them. I hear you doing that already when you say "he has nothing to offer me". That's great self-talk.But let's get back to the question of why we have a hard time letting go of people like this. Sometimes it's because we still hope they will change. Maybe we remember who they used to be or how they used to treat us, and we think it can go back to the way it felt in those "good old days". The problem there is that, over the first few years, as intimacy grows, people tend to show more of who they are, not less. So what they're eventually showing you is who they are and what they're capable of. People do change and grow, but it won't happen at your pace. Accept that person for who they are and stop expecting them to change. Another reason we can't let go is because we picture our ex with someone new in the future and we wonder if they will be a better person for the next partner in their life. This is a normal... but not a healthy... thought. It's as though we want them to stay, maybe apologize, and heal our hurts; maybe make up for past mistakes. You deserve that healing, you deserve better than you got, you deserve apologies, but to expect that from the person who hurt you and hasn't demonstrated that compassion as yet is probably foolhardy. It is my belief that underlying some of the above scenarios is the deep belief that we must somehow be responsible for the hurts our exes have caused. If you blame yourself in any way for someone's poor treatment of you, you will be dancing around trying to do things differently so that they can treat you better. It will be impossible to let go, because you blame yourself for their behaviours.Draw a line. Their behaviours are about them, not you, and the only solution is to challenge and reduce thoughts of them, and create physical and emotional distance. These things plus time will help the events of the past fade from importance. 

<s>[INST] My ex-boyfriend boyfriend and I lived together. He had a two year affair with a girl and had three pregnancies with her. One was an abortion, another was a miscarriage, and then she had the third baby. They are not together, but he continues to contact me and wants me back. He has nothing to offer me. [/INST] Hi Attica,This is a question I think a lot of people deal with...they feel confusion about why they can't forget about or get over (or stop connecting with) someone who they absolutely know isn't good for them. In your case, part of the problem is that he keeps trying to get back in touch with you. For some people, honestly, it's a game... to see how much power they have over you or it's their need to control you. If you don't want contact from this person, it's really important to give him clear messages about boundaries ("Don't contact me again"), and then ignore all of their communications. Any interactions or responses from you at all will feed their behaviour. Remind yourself why you don't want to be with them. I hear you doing that already when you say "he has nothing to offer me". That's great self-talk.But let's get back to the question of why we have a hard time letting go of people like this. Sometimes it's because we still hope they will change. Maybe we remember who they used to be or how they used to treat us, and we think it can go back to the way it felt in those "good old days". The problem there is that, over the first few years, as intimacy grows, people tend to show more of who they are, not less. So what they're eventually showing you is who they are and what they're capable of. People do change and grow, but it won't happen at your pace. Accept that person for who they are and stop expecting them to change. Another reason we can't let go is because we picture our ex with someone new in the future and we wonder if they will be a better person for the next partner in their life. This is a normal... but not a healthy... thought. It's as though we want them to stay, maybe apologize, and heal our hurts; maybe make up for past mistakes. You deserve that healing, you deserve better than you got, you deserve apologies, but to expect that from the person who hurt you and hasn't demonstrated that compassion as yet is probably foolhardy. It is my belief that underlying some of the above scenarios is the deep belief that we must somehow be responsible for the hurts our exes have caused. If you blame yourself in any way for someone's poor treatment of you, you will be dancing around trying to do things differently so that they can treat you better. It will be impossible to let go, because you blame yourself for their behaviours.Draw a line. Their behaviours are about them, not you, and the only solution is to challenge and reduce thoughts of them, and create physical and emotional distance. These things plus time will help the events of the past fade from importance. </s>

I just feel sad all the time and I don't like anyone in my family. I feel like they're trying to control me and won't let me grow.

Understandably the idea of someone who tries to control you, is good reason to feel sad.Your feelings sound like they are very strong and meaningful in your life.Keep in mind that your feelings about others has more to do with one's own self-view than with what the other person is actually doing.Unless the people in your family are actually interrupting and impeding your life in practical ways or by intimidation or other verbal ways to inhibit you, then there is a great chance your feelings of being controlled by other family members has more to do with your fears to be who you are than with any family members' actions.

<s>[INST] I just feel sad all the time and I don't like anyone in my family. I feel like they're trying to control me and won't let me grow. [/INST] Understandably the idea of someone who tries to control you, is good reason to feel sad.Your feelings sound like they are very strong and meaningful in your life.Keep in mind that your feelings about others has more to do with one's own self-view than with what the other person is actually doing.Unless the people in your family are actually interrupting and impeding your life in practical ways or by intimidation or other verbal ways to inhibit you, then there is a great chance your feelings of being controlled by other family members has more to do with your fears to be who you are than with any family members' actions. </s>

I have a fear of something and I want to face that fear to overcome it, but I don't know how. What can I do?

This answer could be very different depending on the fear, the degree of it, and what it connects to.I wonder the following:On a scale of 1 to 10, how upset, anxious, or scared to you get when you think about overcoming this? If it's more than a 5/10, I would definitely recommend talking with a therapist in your area.A lot of fears that we have come from something that at one time was self-protective and important. Do you know where your fear started? If you think it is still protecting you or helping you in some way, talk with someone (like a therapist) about it.If it is something that you know is irrational (for example, fear of being hurt by static cling from winter clothing), is there some part of that that you are not afraid of?I really encourage you to consider whether your fear has a lot of emotions connected to it or if it ties from something in your past that was very emotional for you at the time. If it does, consider working with a therapist to establish emotional safety before taking away the fear or anxiety that may actually be helpful to you.Also, the fact that you notice that you are afraid of something and you don't want to be afraid of it anymore is a big step in the forward direction.

<s>[INST] I have a fear of something and I want to face that fear to overcome it, but I don't know how. What can I do? [/INST] This answer could be very different depending on the fear, the degree of it, and what it connects to.I wonder the following:On a scale of 1 to 10, how upset, anxious, or scared to you get when you think about overcoming this? If it's more than a 5/10, I would definitely recommend talking with a therapist in your area.A lot of fears that we have come from something that at one time was self-protective and important. Do you know where your fear started? If you think it is still protecting you or helping you in some way, talk with someone (like a therapist) about it.If it is something that you know is irrational (for example, fear of being hurt by static cling from winter clothing), is there some part of that that you are not afraid of?I really encourage you to consider whether your fear has a lot of emotions connected to it or if it ties from something in your past that was very emotional for you at the time. If it does, consider working with a therapist to establish emotional safety before taking away the fear or anxiety that may actually be helpful to you.Also, the fact that you notice that you are afraid of something and you don't want to be afraid of it anymore is a big step in the forward direction. </s>

My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex?

It sounds like you've been living with this uncertainty for those couple years since this happened.  The reality is you won't ever "know" - mostly because of the various versions your husband has provided you.  Infidelity, though painful, does not have to kill a marriage.  Secrecy and dishonesty certainly will though.   I encourage you and your husband to seek therapy together with someone who specializes in couples work.  The longer you wait to do so, the more damage is done to whatever connection you have and the greater the distrust will become. Please get qualified help, for your and your husband's sake.

<s>[INST] My spouse visited the red light district a couple of years back in Amsterdam. After he got back from the trip he got me tested for stds. In the aftermath he has provided multiple versions of what happened, from having a total blackout to being touched by a prostitute. How do I know if he had sex? [/INST] It sounds like you've been living with this uncertainty for those couple years since this happened.  The reality is you won't ever "know" - mostly because of the various versions your husband has provided you.  Infidelity, though painful, does not have to kill a marriage.  Secrecy and dishonesty certainly will though.   I encourage you and your husband to seek therapy together with someone who specializes in couples work.  The longer you wait to do so, the more damage is done to whatever connection you have and the greater the distrust will become. Please get qualified help, for your and your husband's sake. </s>

I have anger issues that have worsened over the years because I’ve never dealt with my emotions. My anger has never been expressed physically until the past year. My girlfriend has had to endure these episodes. I love her, and I think I’m about to lose her, if I already haven’t. I throw things at her when I’m angry, and sometimes I hit her. I may not hit her enough to cause harm, but I still physically lash out at her. I don’t want to lose her, and I don’t want the situation to worsen. I am a lesbian in my early 30s, and I have been dealing with anger since my childhood. I'm ready to change. I need help now. I'm about to explode.

Good for you for recognizing that a change has to be made quickly. Regardless of whether or not your girlfriend leaves your relationship, taking control of your anger needs to happen sooner than later. If left unresolved, it will follow you into any relationship you have. Have you talked to a therapist? I would suggest you take that step first. A therapist will help you explore the source of your anger and teach you new, adaptive ways of dealing with your anger. Until you're able to get some professional help, I would advise that you start recognizing when your emotions are becoming escalated and take a time out before the anger turns into aggression. If you feel yourself becoming heated, excuse yourself from the situation, go to a quiet place or on a walk, and practice some deep breathing. Clear your mind of the problem and focus only on your breathing as you inhale slowly counting to four and exhale slowly counting to six. Don't get discouraged if it doesn't work right away. Deep breathing takes practice! Return to the situation or your girlfriend only once you have calmed down and are confident that you are not going to hurt anyone. You might also want to ask your girlfriend to remind you to take a break when she recognizes that your emotions are escalating. Know that with help and support, especially from a therapist, the issues you have can be resolved and new ways of coping can be learned. Good luck!

<s>[INST] I have anger issues that have worsened over the years because I’ve never dealt with my emotions. My anger has never been expressed physically until the past year. My girlfriend has had to endure these episodes. I love her, and I think I’m about to lose her, if I already haven’t. I throw things at her when I’m angry, and sometimes I hit her. I may not hit her enough to cause harm, but I still physically lash out at her. I don’t want to lose her, and I don’t want the situation to worsen. I am a lesbian in my early 30s, and I have been dealing with anger since my childhood. I'm ready to change. I need help now. I'm about to explode. [/INST] Good for you for recognizing that a change has to be made quickly. Regardless of whether or not your girlfriend leaves your relationship, taking control of your anger needs to happen sooner than later. If left unresolved, it will follow you into any relationship you have. Have you talked to a therapist? I would suggest you take that step first. A therapist will help you explore the source of your anger and teach you new, adaptive ways of dealing with your anger. Until you're able to get some professional help, I would advise that you start recognizing when your emotions are becoming escalated and take a time out before the anger turns into aggression. If you feel yourself becoming heated, excuse yourself from the situation, go to a quiet place or on a walk, and practice some deep breathing. Clear your mind of the problem and focus only on your breathing as you inhale slowly counting to four and exhale slowly counting to six. Don't get discouraged if it doesn't work right away. Deep breathing takes practice! Return to the situation or your girlfriend only once you have calmed down and are confident that you are not going to hurt anyone. You might also want to ask your girlfriend to remind you to take a break when she recognizes that your emotions are escalating. Know that with help and support, especially from a therapist, the issues you have can be resolved and new ways of coping can be learned. Good luck! </s>

I tried telling my husband I was depressed, and he ignored me. He said "you're always sad or depressed." And he picked up his phone and ignored me. I said, "Please don't exaggerate, that isn't true." And he said, "Whatever babe. You just want to be sad." How can I get through to him so he will take me seriously?

This is so hard. It is hard for someone to understand what depression is without having experienced it themselves. Unfortunately people without depression sometimes mistake it as feeling sorry for ourselves or just moping around, which is not what depression is at all. Sometimes I think that it is easier for family members to see it as a choice than to admit that someone they love is hurting and they dont know what to do. If  he is willing, I wonder if there may be a depression support group in your area such as NAMI or DBSA where he could hear from from others living with depression and their families. If not, I wonder if you all might watch a documentary together such as No Kidding Me Too or Call me Crazy. If not that, ive sometimes encouraged folk to just leave some information on depression and how family can help like a pamphlet or handout on a table or around the house. We tend to get curious and read things we find on the table. Wishing you the best!

<s>[INST] I tried telling my husband I was depressed, and he ignored me. He said "you're always sad or depressed." And he picked up his phone and ignored me. I said, "Please don't exaggerate, that isn't true." And he said, "Whatever babe. You just want to be sad." How can I get through to him so he will take me seriously? [/INST] This is so hard. It is hard for someone to understand what depression is without having experienced it themselves. Unfortunately people without depression sometimes mistake it as feeling sorry for ourselves or just moping around, which is not what depression is at all. Sometimes I think that it is easier for family members to see it as a choice than to admit that someone they love is hurting and they dont know what to do. If  he is willing, I wonder if there may be a depression support group in your area such as NAMI or DBSA where he could hear from from others living with depression and their families. If not, I wonder if you all might watch a documentary together such as No Kidding Me Too or Call me Crazy. If not that, ive sometimes encouraged folk to just leave some information on depression and how family can help like a pamphlet or handout on a table or around the house. We tend to get curious and read things we find on the table. Wishing you the best! </s>

I have this weird fetish that I'm afraid to open up about it. What should I do?

This is difficult to answer because you don’t tell us what the fetish is.  I do understand that this is something that is bothering you though. The first thing to ask yourself is if this is something that is illegal or not.  If this is illegal to engage in, then you need to seek counseling help immediately to control the urges.However, if your fetish is not something illegal and you just feel that it is something odd, a therapist could still help you deal with these feelings.  You may find that it is something very common and not something to be ashamed of.  You may find other people have the same interest as you.  Find a therapist that you can trust and tell them.  Don’t hold back with your therapist.  Trust me, they have heard and seen it all by now, and they can help you either stop the behavior that is causing you distress, or help you come to terms with accepting the behavior as part of who you are.  There is no need to suffer with this alone. 

<s>[INST] I have this weird fetish that I'm afraid to open up about it. What should I do? [/INST] This is difficult to answer because you don’t tell us what the fetish is.  I do understand that this is something that is bothering you though. The first thing to ask yourself is if this is something that is illegal or not.  If this is illegal to engage in, then you need to seek counseling help immediately to control the urges.However, if your fetish is not something illegal and you just feel that it is something odd, a therapist could still help you deal with these feelings.  You may find that it is something very common and not something to be ashamed of.  You may find other people have the same interest as you.  Find a therapist that you can trust and tell them.  Don’t hold back with your therapist.  Trust me, they have heard and seen it all by now, and they can help you either stop the behavior that is causing you distress, or help you come to terms with accepting the behavior as part of who you are.  There is no need to suffer with this alone. </s>

My friend is abusing her prescription medicine. Even though she told me she didn't have any more pills, I found she has prescriptions for anxiety medications.

Hello! Thank you for your question. I have a worked with many people who have become addicted to benzodiazepines, like Clonazepam. It is a difficult road for people who are trying to become clean. It is also a very difficult road for those who love the person and are trying to be supportive. During those times, it is important to remember to take care of yourself, too. As for taking your friend's pills, my concern would be the legal ramifications that you could face should you ever be caught with someone else's prescription medication, and especially these types of medications. Our laws have become much more strict surrounding prescription drug sales and possession due to the increase in prescription drug abuse. In addition, people who are in active addiction are likely to find some other means to get their drug, so it would do little to help the overall problem. I don't know about your friend's family situation, but they may be a better route to take if you are concerned about your friend. They may already be involved, but with your help you may be able to convince your friend to go to treatment willingly. That is usually better. In many states, there are also involuntary committal processes where a person's family may be able to convince a court to force the person into treatment. This varies from state to state. If your friend's family is not aware of this option, it may be something to look into. It usually does take a relative, or a medical provider, to begin this process if it is available. I hope this was helpful, and I wish you and your friend well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC

<s>[INST] My friend is abusing her prescription medicine. Even though she told me she didn't have any more pills, I found she has prescriptions for anxiety medications. [/INST] Hello! Thank you for your question. I have a worked with many people who have become addicted to benzodiazepines, like Clonazepam. It is a difficult road for people who are trying to become clean. It is also a very difficult road for those who love the person and are trying to be supportive. During those times, it is important to remember to take care of yourself, too. As for taking your friend's pills, my concern would be the legal ramifications that you could face should you ever be caught with someone else's prescription medication, and especially these types of medications. Our laws have become much more strict surrounding prescription drug sales and possession due to the increase in prescription drug abuse. In addition, people who are in active addiction are likely to find some other means to get their drug, so it would do little to help the overall problem. I don't know about your friend's family situation, but they may be a better route to take if you are concerned about your friend. They may already be involved, but with your help you may be able to convince your friend to go to treatment willingly. That is usually better. In many states, there are also involuntary committal processes where a person's family may be able to convince a court to force the person into treatment. This varies from state to state. If your friend's family is not aware of this option, it may be something to look into. It usually does take a relative, or a medical provider, to begin this process if it is available. I hope this was helpful, and I wish you and your friend well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC </s>

My daughter seemed to be developing at a normal rate until about the age of 10. She then started to act younger than she is. Now she only wants to play with younger kids and she doesn't act her age. I don't know why this is happening. Is this normal?

Good for you to know your daughter's friendship circles and to notice when these have changed.While friendships are key relationships, they are not the only indicator of someone not developing normally.Is your observation and opinion that your daughter isn't normal based on other factors or just this one?If this is the only factor then start with reflecting on what circumstances may be influencing your daughter to socialize with younger kids.Has she ben ostracized or bullied by her peers and may be retreating to avoid further emotional hurt?Is she keeping up with her school work?Sometimes kids who feel overwhelmed by schoolwork will regress into conditions in which they feel more success and control.Are there family circumstances such as the death of someone with whom your daughter felt close?  Or, is there a new younger sibling in the family or a younger sibling who due to their own circumstance receives more attention than your daughter may wish for herself.Once you've reflected on which areas may be affecting your daughter, gently ask her some questions about her comfort with what you theorize may be the source of the problem.Its also possible that offering her your extra time and interest may increase her sense of self so that she feels secure enough to increase her social time with her age group.

<s>[INST] My daughter seemed to be developing at a normal rate until about the age of 10. She then started to act younger than she is. Now she only wants to play with younger kids and she doesn't act her age. I don't know why this is happening. Is this normal? [/INST] Good for you to know your daughter's friendship circles and to notice when these have changed.While friendships are key relationships, they are not the only indicator of someone not developing normally.Is your observation and opinion that your daughter isn't normal based on other factors or just this one?If this is the only factor then start with reflecting on what circumstances may be influencing your daughter to socialize with younger kids.Has she ben ostracized or bullied by her peers and may be retreating to avoid further emotional hurt?Is she keeping up with her school work?Sometimes kids who feel overwhelmed by schoolwork will regress into conditions in which they feel more success and control.Are there family circumstances such as the death of someone with whom your daughter felt close?  Or, is there a new younger sibling in the family or a younger sibling who due to their own circumstance receives more attention than your daughter may wish for herself.Once you've reflected on which areas may be affecting your daughter, gently ask her some questions about her comfort with what you theorize may be the source of the problem.Its also possible that offering her your extra time and interest may increase her sense of self so that she feels secure enough to increase her social time with her age group. </s>

I get very nervous and anxious/scared before sex.

Tell your partner about this so that ideally the person has a chance to be supportive and reassuring, as well as listen to your specific worries and fears.Initiate this type of discussion at a time which is removed from the time you’re about to have sex.This way you and your partner both have a chance to realize the two of you are having a discussion,  not a prelude to sex.If you meant in your question that you feel anxious about having sex w a random partner, then maybe you are less interested in hookup sex than you imagined.

<s>[INST] I get very nervous and anxious/scared before sex. [/INST] Tell your partner about this so that ideally the person has a chance to be supportive and reassuring, as well as listen to your specific worries and fears.Initiate this type of discussion at a time which is removed from the time you’re about to have sex.This way you and your partner both have a chance to realize the two of you are having a discussion,  not a prelude to sex.If you meant in your question that you feel anxious about having sex w a random partner, then maybe you are less interested in hookup sex than you imagined. </s>

I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone. My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do?

Hello. Even though legally you are an adult, it is a matter of courtesy to respect the homes of your parents. As long as you live there, you should be considerate of their needs. At the same time, there should be conversation about what each of you considers appropriate as it pertains to communication between a parent and an adult (even though you are still her offspring). This will require openness, honesty, and a willingness to give from both sides in a respectful way. Healthy boundaries can be established and honored when each is willing to do their part in this new relationship. Your mother knows you are an adult, but has not had as many years of treating you like one. So mentally and emotionally this will take some time for her to adapt. Share your concerns with her, and see if you can come up with a set of rules that you both can honor. It will be a great stepping stone for both of you as you move into this new chapter together as you begin relating a little differently.Reach out for help to a counselor if needed. You don't have to sort this out on your own. And lastly, take good care of yourself in the process. You are moving through some exciting times in your life. The more you can have support as you explore new events, the better you might feel less stressed.Warm regards.

<s>[INST] I am in my early 20s and I still live with my parents because I can't afford to live alone. My mother says that if I live under her roof I have to follow her rules. She is trying to control my life. What should I do? [/INST] Hello. Even though legally you are an adult, it is a matter of courtesy to respect the homes of your parents. As long as you live there, you should be considerate of their needs. At the same time, there should be conversation about what each of you considers appropriate as it pertains to communication between a parent and an adult (even though you are still her offspring). This will require openness, honesty, and a willingness to give from both sides in a respectful way. Healthy boundaries can be established and honored when each is willing to do their part in this new relationship. Your mother knows you are an adult, but has not had as many years of treating you like one. So mentally and emotionally this will take some time for her to adapt. Share your concerns with her, and see if you can come up with a set of rules that you both can honor. It will be a great stepping stone for both of you as you move into this new chapter together as you begin relating a little differently.Reach out for help to a counselor if needed. You don't have to sort this out on your own. And lastly, take good care of yourself in the process. You are moving through some exciting times in your life. The more you can have support as you explore new events, the better you might feel less stressed.Warm regards. </s>

I don't know how to have emotions. I never had any from my birth. Being human, I think of myself as a monster. I enjoy pain. I cut myself for my climax during sex. I think most of the time, I lie, even when sometimes it would have been easy just to tell the truth. I was in rehabilitation for four year. I have made love with both men and women, but it made no impact in my emotions. The books that I enjoy reading H.P. Lovecraft and Edgar Allen Poe. I go hunting every Saturday. I feel powerful. I don't enjoy the killing of the creature, but the hunt of it and to eat and drink the flesh and blood of the creature.

I'm not sure that you don't feel emotion or that you are frightened of the depth of your emotions. From what you write, the context of your growing up years had people telling you to not feel.  Little kids and babies don't remember whether or not they had emotions since birth.  This is information someone told you or was part of your family system.Possibly your family was afraid of their emotions or of you knowing yours.Similarly, your comparison of being human means being monster like, is not an obvious connection.  Besides, monsters are an idea, they aren't real.  They embody what someone considers the worst qualities of themselves or the human species.  Again, I wonder whether you've taken on stories you heard growing up about how unacceptable and bad you are.A way to start learning your emotions is to start in simple, basic ways to ask yourself what you are feeling in the situations that you believe emotions would belong.If on the first bright sunny and warm day of the year, you remind yourself to notice what you're feeling in response to this, you'll be taking one step toward awareness of your emotions.If someone buys you a birthday present, be aware of how you feel.  Keep adding awareness to situations and see if this builds an ease with feeling emotions.

<s>[INST] I don't know how to have emotions. I never had any from my birth. Being human, I think of myself as a monster. I enjoy pain. I cut myself for my climax during sex. I think most of the time, I lie, even when sometimes it would have been easy just to tell the truth. I was in rehabilitation for four year. I have made love with both men and women, but it made no impact in my emotions. The books that I enjoy reading H.P. Lovecraft and Edgar Allen Poe. I go hunting every Saturday. I feel powerful. I don't enjoy the killing of the creature, but the hunt of it and to eat and drink the flesh and blood of the creature. [/INST] I'm not sure that you don't feel emotion or that you are frightened of the depth of your emotions. From what you write, the context of your growing up years had people telling you to not feel.  Little kids and babies don't remember whether or not they had emotions since birth.  This is information someone told you or was part of your family system.Possibly your family was afraid of their emotions or of you knowing yours.Similarly, your comparison of being human means being monster like, is not an obvious connection.  Besides, monsters are an idea, they aren't real.  They embody what someone considers the worst qualities of themselves or the human species.  Again, I wonder whether you've taken on stories you heard growing up about how unacceptable and bad you are.A way to start learning your emotions is to start in simple, basic ways to ask yourself what you are feeling in the situations that you believe emotions would belong.If on the first bright sunny and warm day of the year, you remind yourself to notice what you're feeling in response to this, you'll be taking one step toward awareness of your emotions.If someone buys you a birthday present, be aware of how you feel.  Keep adding awareness to situations and see if this builds an ease with feeling emotions. </s>

He said he would try and he never did. It's been nine months, and this is making me worse. Today, he said I have to respect whatever decision he makes. Is that true? Am I supposed to respect the decision to leave because he can't handle what I'm going through and leaves me here crying and worried every night? He's constantly changing his mind on if he wants to work it out.

Wow that is tough. There is nothing worse than fearing abandonment when you are already struggling with depression. It sounds like you are still wanting to work through whatever challenges you and your husband are having but your husband may not be on the same page. I would encourage you and your husband to seek professional support if you haven't already. While depression can put real strains on a relationship, relationship problems can lead to or contribute to depression and there may be some real benefits to both of you in doing some couple therapy. With that being said - if your husband is not willing to do therapy or is clear that he wants the relationship to end, then I can't see what choice you have but to "respect his decision" as you mentioned. This doesn't mean that you have to feel okay with the decision - as I'm sure you wouldn't - but ultimately loving one another and staying in committed relationships is a choice that we each have to make. If he is wanting to leave - this could make things a lot tougher for you. I would encourage you to seek professional support for yourself and reach out to lots of friends and family. You do not need to face depression alone - nor should you have to. We all need support at tough times like these.

<s>[INST] He said he would try and he never did. It's been nine months, and this is making me worse. Today, he said I have to respect whatever decision he makes. Is that true? Am I supposed to respect the decision to leave because he can't handle what I'm going through and leaves me here crying and worried every night? He's constantly changing his mind on if he wants to work it out. [/INST] Wow that is tough. There is nothing worse than fearing abandonment when you are already struggling with depression. It sounds like you are still wanting to work through whatever challenges you and your husband are having but your husband may not be on the same page. I would encourage you and your husband to seek professional support if you haven't already. While depression can put real strains on a relationship, relationship problems can lead to or contribute to depression and there may be some real benefits to both of you in doing some couple therapy. With that being said - if your husband is not willing to do therapy or is clear that he wants the relationship to end, then I can't see what choice you have but to "respect his decision" as you mentioned. This doesn't mean that you have to feel okay with the decision - as I'm sure you wouldn't - but ultimately loving one another and staying in committed relationships is a choice that we each have to make. If he is wanting to leave - this could make things a lot tougher for you. I would encourage you to seek professional support for yourself and reach out to lots of friends and family. You do not need to face depression alone - nor should you have to. We all need support at tough times like these. </s>

My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse?

Yes, screaming and cussing at your child is considered abuse.Here are two points I suggest you consider for your situation.If your dad is ever calm when you and him are with one another,  ask for some time to talk about your relationship with him.Schedule it for sometime in the near future from your request.   This way he has time to consider his points of view on his relationship to you.  Even if he does no thinking about your relationship at all, he will not feel pressured by the surprise of suddenly being expected to talk about a topic he may prefer to prepare himself.My second point to you is to keep steady in your own views of who you are.  When a parent demeans and mistreats a child, the child is affected in a negative way.  Concentrate on loving yourself and keeping people in your friendship circle who care about you.

<s>[INST] My dad is always, and I mean always, cussing and screaming at me for no reason at all. He makes me feel stupid. He also compares me to my other siblings in a negative way and demeans me. Is this abuse? [/INST] Yes, screaming and cussing at your child is considered abuse.Here are two points I suggest you consider for your situation.If your dad is ever calm when you and him are with one another,  ask for some time to talk about your relationship with him.Schedule it for sometime in the near future from your request.   This way he has time to consider his points of view on his relationship to you.  Even if he does no thinking about your relationship at all, he will not feel pressured by the surprise of suddenly being expected to talk about a topic he may prefer to prepare himself.My second point to you is to keep steady in your own views of who you are.  When a parent demeans and mistreats a child, the child is affected in a negative way.  Concentrate on loving yourself and keeping people in your friendship circle who care about you. </s>

I've had posttraumatic stress disorder for years without my parents ever finding out. I want to overcome it, but it’s so vivid, it’s like it’s happening again. I'm scared and paranoid. I have depression, which I have been struggling with since a young age.

Unfortunately, ptsd is not something that can be cured.  Ptsd can be managed through therapy.  Mindfulness can assist in redirecting thoughts and gaining further control over paranoia. Therapy is confidential and there are different ways you can obtain treatment.  Mental health professional have availability to provide therapy online,  on the phone or in person. 

<s>[INST] I've had posttraumatic stress disorder for years without my parents ever finding out. I want to overcome it, but it’s so vivid, it’s like it’s happening again. I'm scared and paranoid. I have depression, which I have been struggling with since a young age. [/INST] Unfortunately, ptsd is not something that can be cured.  Ptsd can be managed through therapy.  Mindfulness can assist in redirecting thoughts and gaining further control over paranoia. Therapy is confidential and there are different ways you can obtain treatment.  Mental health professional have availability to provide therapy online,  on the phone or in person. </s>

I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better?

Suicide is a very traumatic loss and affects survivors significantly. Everyone deals with their grief in different ways. One way I recommend to deal with the loss of a loved one is to write letters to them. Some people like to keep the letters in a jar, maybe fill the jar with sand so the letters are buried. I recommend writing the letters as often as you need to. You will notice over time the need to write the letters will decrease and the intense feelings of loss will decrease. I also recommend finding a survivors support group in your area. You can find more information on www.afsp.org.

<s>[INST] I recently lost a friend to suicide. I'm smoking marijuana and drinking more to cope with it. How can I handle this better? [/INST] Suicide is a very traumatic loss and affects survivors significantly. Everyone deals with their grief in different ways. One way I recommend to deal with the loss of a loved one is to write letters to them. Some people like to keep the letters in a jar, maybe fill the jar with sand so the letters are buried. I recommend writing the letters as often as you need to. You will notice over time the need to write the letters will decrease and the intense feelings of loss will decrease. I also recommend finding a survivors support group in your area. You can find more information on www.afsp.org. </s>

We weren't long distance until he joined the military. I love him and I know he loves, me but it's complicated. He said he's not going to find someone else, but I'm afraid. How do I keep our relationship going?

Hello. You are asking a very good question about how to sustain a long-distance relationship. Although maintaining a long-distance relationship has its challenges, with the proper communication, commitment, and understanding, many long-distance couples are able to thrive and maintain a close connection. Without knowing more about the "complicated" nature of your relationship, I wonder whether your boyfriend has given you reason not to trust him that makes afraid that he will find someone else. Has he cheated on you in the past and has shown romantic interest to another person that made you fear losing him?  Or, is your thought just a fear but not based on evidence? Knowing that distinction is important because if it is the latter, you may benefit from refocusing on the wonderful qualities about your partner that makes you feel good about him and the relationship rather than focusing on the unknown or uncertainty of the future. The more you focus on "what if" situations, the more you may feel anxious about a reality that is not accurate and make you act in ways that are insecure. However, if there is reason for you to question his fidelity, you may have to speak to your boyfriend about how to build trust in the context of a long-distance relationship. To help the conversation, you may need to consider what you may need to experience or receive as support to feel safe in the relationship to build trust. Is that you wish him to contact you regularly, or to include you more in his life, or to make a clear commitment? For many of my clients in my private practice, that may include talking to their partner often and using a variety of modalities including text, phone, and Skype. It's hard to believe in a relationship when you never talk to your partner, and it's hard to build a relationship when you don't know what's going on in your partner's life. Other times, it is Making sure they talk often to their long-distance partner so that they can participate in each others lives and to feel their presence.. Regular communication, understanding and caring is the key to sustaining any relationship, but this is especially true for long-distance ones. Dr. Virginia Chowwww.PsychologyResource.ca

<s>[INST] We weren't long distance until he joined the military. I love him and I know he loves, me but it's complicated. He said he's not going to find someone else, but I'm afraid. How do I keep our relationship going? [/INST] Hello. You are asking a very good question about how to sustain a long-distance relationship. Although maintaining a long-distance relationship has its challenges, with the proper communication, commitment, and understanding, many long-distance couples are able to thrive and maintain a close connection. Without knowing more about the "complicated" nature of your relationship, I wonder whether your boyfriend has given you reason not to trust him that makes afraid that he will find someone else. Has he cheated on you in the past and has shown romantic interest to another person that made you fear losing him?  Or, is your thought just a fear but not based on evidence? Knowing that distinction is important because if it is the latter, you may benefit from refocusing on the wonderful qualities about your partner that makes you feel good about him and the relationship rather than focusing on the unknown or uncertainty of the future. The more you focus on "what if" situations, the more you may feel anxious about a reality that is not accurate and make you act in ways that are insecure. However, if there is reason for you to question his fidelity, you may have to speak to your boyfriend about how to build trust in the context of a long-distance relationship. To help the conversation, you may need to consider what you may need to experience or receive as support to feel safe in the relationship to build trust. Is that you wish him to contact you regularly, or to include you more in his life, or to make a clear commitment? For many of my clients in my private practice, that may include talking to their partner often and using a variety of modalities including text, phone, and Skype. It's hard to believe in a relationship when you never talk to your partner, and it's hard to build a relationship when you don't know what's going on in your partner's life. Other times, it is Making sure they talk often to their long-distance partner so that they can participate in each others lives and to feel their presence.. Regular communication, understanding and caring is the key to sustaining any relationship, but this is especially true for long-distance ones. Dr. Virginia Chowwww.PsychologyResource.ca </s>

Sometimes I can't stop thinking about life after death. I was raised in a religion that teaches that we will live on forever either in hell or in heaven. When I think of living forever (even if it is in heaven which should be good), I feel overwhelmed. I don't like the thought of living forever and ever and ever. Sometimes I just can't get the thought out of my mind and the thoughts lead to panic and anxiety. Am I crazy? I don't think these thoughts are normal.

Hi California, What you're experiencing is indeed anxiety; it's very common. Through research we know a lot of things about how to reduce anxiety. I'll get you started and it's a great idea to connect with a therapist who can build on these ideas and get to know you well.It's natural to have random thoughts that unsettle us. Our brains are complex, wonderful things. Fearful and anxious thoughts are a part of this picture; their purpose is to prepare us for the future and to help us make sense of the past and learn from it. But what happens sometimes is that our alarm systems get out of whack and get set off too easily. We often spend TOO MUCH time worrying about things that happened or might happen. When these thoughts take away from our enjoyment of life, it becomes a problem. So, while fear and anxiety try to protect us, they also seek power and will take any power they can get.In general, fear and anxiety try to tell us one or both of two things: that something is wrong with us, or that something bad will happen (or that something bad will happen because there's something wrong with us). They will use anything they can as evidence to convince you. For example... "That person looked at you funny. You're strange looking". Well there are dozens of possible explanations for the look on that person's face, and it's unlikely it had anything to do with you. For you personally, your thoughts are about the afterlife...about living forever. What does fear tell you will be uncomfortable about living forever? What would the worst part be? A therapist would help you dig deep to find the core of what you fear. It might be that you have no control over who you are or where you go. It might be that you fear going to hell because you're "bad". Search for that deepest fear.I invite you then to picture that thought as a glass of water on a shelf. It's a heavy glass, and if you held it in your hands for a while and stared at it, it would get in the way; you'd be uncomfortable and unable to focus on your life. That's what's happening now. I suggest that the problem is not so much the thought you're having; we all have random silly thoughts that usually aren't true. The problem is how long you're holding it in your hand. You could have that thought (pick up that glass) a hundred times a day and, as long as you put it right back on the shelf, it's not a problem. The trick is to get it back on that shelf.Right now, you're using distraction to do this. You're trying to focus on other things around you, but I think the glass is still in your hand. It's not enough; you're looking for more tools to get that glass back on the shelf.  And the key is in your thoughts. Once you find out what fear is trying to tell you, then you can "talk back to" fear. So, as an example, if fear is saying to you "you have no control over anything", then you can work to accept the pieces you don't have control over, learn to tolerate that feeling, and claim back the pieces you CAN control. You CAN control the extent to which you let fear take you over. With a therapist you can learn to "refute" fears' ideas. You can learn to look for concrete evidence of fear's lies and gain back control over your thoughts. I wish you the best!

<s>[INST] Sometimes I can't stop thinking about life after death. I was raised in a religion that teaches that we will live on forever either in hell or in heaven. When I think of living forever (even if it is in heaven which should be good), I feel overwhelmed. I don't like the thought of living forever and ever and ever. Sometimes I just can't get the thought out of my mind and the thoughts lead to panic and anxiety. Am I crazy? I don't think these thoughts are normal. [/INST] Hi California, What you're experiencing is indeed anxiety; it's very common. Through research we know a lot of things about how to reduce anxiety. I'll get you started and it's a great idea to connect with a therapist who can build on these ideas and get to know you well.It's natural to have random thoughts that unsettle us. Our brains are complex, wonderful things. Fearful and anxious thoughts are a part of this picture; their purpose is to prepare us for the future and to help us make sense of the past and learn from it. But what happens sometimes is that our alarm systems get out of whack and get set off too easily. We often spend TOO MUCH time worrying about things that happened or might happen. When these thoughts take away from our enjoyment of life, it becomes a problem. So, while fear and anxiety try to protect us, they also seek power and will take any power they can get.In general, fear and anxiety try to tell us one or both of two things: that something is wrong with us, or that something bad will happen (or that something bad will happen because there's something wrong with us). They will use anything they can as evidence to convince you. For example... "That person looked at you funny. You're strange looking". Well there are dozens of possible explanations for the look on that person's face, and it's unlikely it had anything to do with you. For you personally, your thoughts are about the afterlife...about living forever. What does fear tell you will be uncomfortable about living forever? What would the worst part be? A therapist would help you dig deep to find the core of what you fear. It might be that you have no control over who you are or where you go. It might be that you fear going to hell because you're "bad". Search for that deepest fear.I invite you then to picture that thought as a glass of water on a shelf. It's a heavy glass, and if you held it in your hands for a while and stared at it, it would get in the way; you'd be uncomfortable and unable to focus on your life. That's what's happening now. I suggest that the problem is not so much the thought you're having; we all have random silly thoughts that usually aren't true. The problem is how long you're holding it in your hand. You could have that thought (pick up that glass) a hundred times a day and, as long as you put it right back on the shelf, it's not a problem. The trick is to get it back on that shelf.Right now, you're using distraction to do this. You're trying to focus on other things around you, but I think the glass is still in your hand. It's not enough; you're looking for more tools to get that glass back on the shelf.  And the key is in your thoughts. Once you find out what fear is trying to tell you, then you can "talk back to" fear. So, as an example, if fear is saying to you "you have no control over anything", then you can work to accept the pieces you don't have control over, learn to tolerate that feeling, and claim back the pieces you CAN control. You CAN control the extent to which you let fear take you over. With a therapist you can learn to "refute" fears' ideas. You can learn to look for concrete evidence of fear's lies and gain back control over your thoughts. I wish you the best! </s>

I feel like I am internally screaming all the time. Externally, I am calm, but I have this intense, unidentifiable emotion constantly. I don't feel sad. I don't cry a lot. I feel rather emotionally distant other than the internal screaming. It kind of feels like I'm a caged animal.

As far as the formal diagnosis of depression goes, it would be hard to determine without more information. It sounds like you are noticing that there is a significant difference between how you are feeling on the inside and how you express yourself outwardly. Part of you is quite distressed and yet it remains invisible to the outside world, almost as if it is trapped inside of your body. Many people who are depressed experience such things as intrusive thoughts, emotional numbness, difficulty expressing themselves, and bodily tension (caged animal?). In working with a competent therapist, you may be able to get more insight into what you are going through, the nature of the disconnect between you inner feelings and outer expression, and eventually gain relief from the distress as well as a greater sense of connection with yourself and personal freedom.

<s>[INST] I feel like I am internally screaming all the time. Externally, I am calm, but I have this intense, unidentifiable emotion constantly. I don't feel sad. I don't cry a lot. I feel rather emotionally distant other than the internal screaming. It kind of feels like I'm a caged animal. [/INST] As far as the formal diagnosis of depression goes, it would be hard to determine without more information. It sounds like you are noticing that there is a significant difference between how you are feeling on the inside and how you express yourself outwardly. Part of you is quite distressed and yet it remains invisible to the outside world, almost as if it is trapped inside of your body. Many people who are depressed experience such things as intrusive thoughts, emotional numbness, difficulty expressing themselves, and bodily tension (caged animal?). In working with a competent therapist, you may be able to get more insight into what you are going through, the nature of the disconnect between you inner feelings and outer expression, and eventually gain relief from the distress as well as a greater sense of connection with yourself and personal freedom. </s>

I'm a 40 year old male and having erection problems. Still have the desire for a woman. Awfully frustrated. Any suggestions? My Doc doesn't want to discuss it.

Hi there, first off I have to commend you for reaching out. It takes a lot for a man to reach out for help when it comes to erection problems. Believe it or not, this problem is very common for men and women. There are some things that you can try naturally, before resulting in medication, such as your eating habits and exercise. I would suggest taking a look at what you are consuming throughout the day. Do you consume a healthy diet and do you exercise regularly? How much caffeine and sugar do you intake daily? These are just a few common things to look at. You would be surprised of how much pressure what we consume puts on our bodies. Our bodies are like a car. You have to maintenance it, in order for it to continue to run. If you would like to get further natural advice and/or suggestions on eating healthy and exercising, I would recommend you see a nutritionist. A nutritionist specializes in maintaining a healthy diet. As far as your Doctor, I would recommend looking into getting another Doctor. I have never heard of a medical professional not wanting to talk about anything. That appears to be a personal issue on their part. I hope I was helpful and I wish you the best of luck!

<s>[INST] I'm a 40 year old male and having erection problems. Still have the desire for a woman. Awfully frustrated. Any suggestions? My Doc doesn't want to discuss it. [/INST] Hi there, first off I have to commend you for reaching out. It takes a lot for a man to reach out for help when it comes to erection problems. Believe it or not, this problem is very common for men and women. There are some things that you can try naturally, before resulting in medication, such as your eating habits and exercise. I would suggest taking a look at what you are consuming throughout the day. Do you consume a healthy diet and do you exercise regularly? How much caffeine and sugar do you intake daily? These are just a few common things to look at. You would be surprised of how much pressure what we consume puts on our bodies. Our bodies are like a car. You have to maintenance it, in order for it to continue to run. If you would like to get further natural advice and/or suggestions on eating healthy and exercising, I would recommend you see a nutritionist. A nutritionist specializes in maintaining a healthy diet. As far as your Doctor, I would recommend looking into getting another Doctor. I have never heard of a medical professional not wanting to talk about anything. That appears to be a personal issue on their part. I hope I was helpful and I wish you the best of luck! </s>

What makes a healthy marriage last?

A resource I think is helpful to learn more about "what makes a good marriage" and steps toward doing so is Dr. John Gottman's book: "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." Dr. Gottman is a leader in this field and has done extensive studies with couples to determine what behaviors are key in making a marriage work and what behaviors could predict divorce. I think this book might be a good start if you're wanting to learn more about how to have a long lasting relationship.

<s>[INST] What makes a healthy marriage last? [/INST] A resource I think is helpful to learn more about "what makes a good marriage" and steps toward doing so is Dr. John Gottman's book: "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." Dr. Gottman is a leader in this field and has done extensive studies with couples to determine what behaviors are key in making a marriage work and what behaviors could predict divorce. I think this book might be a good start if you're wanting to learn more about how to have a long lasting relationship. </s>

I have PTSD from childhood events and other traumas as an adult. I have panic attacks, nightmares, anger, and at times depression. I feel like I'm always on the edge or just apathetic. Can I fix this by myself?

When it comes to trauma, especially in the event that it has caused you to develop PTSD, there can be a lot of difficulty in attempting to resolve these issues on your own simply because of how strong your urge to avoid it whenever thoughts of the traumatic experience come up. PTSD is best treated with the help of a mental health professional and if using the Cognitive Processing Approach can be treated in as few as 17 weeks. As for your other concerns, many of these can be treated independently if you have the motivation to manage your way through. Panic attacks and depression, specifically, often respond well to self-help treatment manuals. The Centre for Clinical Interventions is a great online resource for workbooks to help you learn to manage the depression and panic attacks. Whether you decide to work through these concerns on your own or in professional therapy, just know that your panic attacks must be managed prior to addressing your trauma. Hope this is helpful and if you have any other questions don't hesitate to ask.

<s>[INST] I have PTSD from childhood events and other traumas as an adult. I have panic attacks, nightmares, anger, and at times depression. I feel like I'm always on the edge or just apathetic. Can I fix this by myself? [/INST] When it comes to trauma, especially in the event that it has caused you to develop PTSD, there can be a lot of difficulty in attempting to resolve these issues on your own simply because of how strong your urge to avoid it whenever thoughts of the traumatic experience come up. PTSD is best treated with the help of a mental health professional and if using the Cognitive Processing Approach can be treated in as few as 17 weeks. As for your other concerns, many of these can be treated independently if you have the motivation to manage your way through. Panic attacks and depression, specifically, often respond well to self-help treatment manuals. The Centre for Clinical Interventions is a great online resource for workbooks to help you learn to manage the depression and panic attacks. Whether you decide to work through these concerns on your own or in professional therapy, just know that your panic attacks must be managed prior to addressing your trauma. Hope this is helpful and if you have any other questions don't hesitate to ask. </s>

My fiancé and I broke up. He cheated on me numerous times. I kept forgiving but questioning his every move. He got tired and left.

There is a grieving process after losing a relationship (or any other major loss, such as a job, a house, etc.). One of the things to consider is give yourself a chance to go through the tasks of mourning:To accept the reality of the lossTo process the pain of griefTo adjust to a world without the person who has just leftTo find an enduring connection with that person in the midst of embarking on a new life. This could mean a lot of things, but it could be holding certain memories as your own.You may also find things that make you feel happy or comfortable. It's also helpful to have people who you can talk to about your feelings and people who may be able to recognize things about you that you cannot see right now (such as how you are honest, committed to your work, a good listener, etc.).This takes some time. Try to be gentle with yourself.

<s>[INST] My fiancé and I broke up. He cheated on me numerous times. I kept forgiving but questioning his every move. He got tired and left. [/INST] There is a grieving process after losing a relationship (or any other major loss, such as a job, a house, etc.). One of the things to consider is give yourself a chance to go through the tasks of mourning:To accept the reality of the lossTo process the pain of griefTo adjust to a world without the person who has just leftTo find an enduring connection with that person in the midst of embarking on a new life. This could mean a lot of things, but it could be holding certain memories as your own.You may also find things that make you feel happy or comfortable. It's also helpful to have people who you can talk to about your feelings and people who may be able to recognize things about you that you cannot see right now (such as how you are honest, committed to your work, a good listener, etc.).This takes some time. Try to be gentle with yourself. </s>

He's been losing feelings and he doesn't know why. I love him very very much. He sometimes thinks I'm obsessed when I'm not at all. I give him his space and I make sure he's okay but sometimes I think if me and him saw each other more it would be better? I truly want me and him to get better, it's kind of hard not to stress about it, because the love of my life is losing feelings which is a sad feeling. He's a great guy! I just don't know why he's been losing feelings towards me. He's starting to put less effort in talking to me. At this point I'll do anything to just make us better as a couple. I tried talking to him but he doesn't like talking about it much. Advice on what to do?

I'm willing to bet that this isn't what you are hoping to hear, but I'd suggest giving him space. Ooph, that's a tough one, right?! I know. But here's the thing, when you keep trying to process and talk it out with him you keep pushing him away. He needs to feel like a solid and whole person (as you do too) to be able to be fully in your relationship. It's the work of being in relationship to learn this. I get that this is tough stuff. I wonder, outside of being with him, how do you soothe and calm yourself? That's the stuff for you to tune into and focus on right now.

<s>[INST] He's been losing feelings and he doesn't know why. I love him very very much. He sometimes thinks I'm obsessed when I'm not at all. I give him his space and I make sure he's okay but sometimes I think if me and him saw each other more it would be better? I truly want me and him to get better, it's kind of hard not to stress about it, because the love of my life is losing feelings which is a sad feeling. He's a great guy! I just don't know why he's been losing feelings towards me. He's starting to put less effort in talking to me. At this point I'll do anything to just make us better as a couple. I tried talking to him but he doesn't like talking about it much. Advice on what to do? [/INST] I'm willing to bet that this isn't what you are hoping to hear, but I'd suggest giving him space. Ooph, that's a tough one, right?! I know. But here's the thing, when you keep trying to process and talk it out with him you keep pushing him away. He needs to feel like a solid and whole person (as you do too) to be able to be fully in your relationship. It's the work of being in relationship to learn this. I get that this is tough stuff. I wonder, outside of being with him, how do you soothe and calm yourself? That's the stuff for you to tune into and focus on right now. </s>

I'm in my mid-twenties now, and my boyfriend of seven years and I want to start a life. My mother is 100% codependent on me and is extremely manipulative. She suffers from type 1 diabetes, which she uses to guilt me if I ever leave her. The problem is that I will feel guilty.

Focus more on your own life and less on the very heavy descriptors you wrote to describe your mom.All the words you wrote represent psychological conditions which are either lifelong or take a lot of motivation and effort to change.Since the only person who can change how your mom handles her life, is your mom, and you are the only one who can do the same for yourself, devote more energy and time to living your own life fully, despite the emotions you feel regarding her.

<s>[INST] I'm in my mid-twenties now, and my boyfriend of seven years and I want to start a life. My mother is 100% codependent on me and is extremely manipulative. She suffers from type 1 diabetes, which she uses to guilt me if I ever leave her. The problem is that I will feel guilty. [/INST] Focus more on your own life and less on the very heavy descriptors you wrote to describe your mom.All the words you wrote represent psychological conditions which are either lifelong or take a lot of motivation and effort to change.Since the only person who can change how your mom handles her life, is your mom, and you are the only one who can do the same for yourself, devote more energy and time to living your own life fully, despite the emotions you feel regarding her. </s>

My husband and I got into a huge dispute. He said he wanted a divorce, and I left. I still come home a lot and see my kids, and he has not filed yet even though he still said he is. What does that mean for our marriage?

In any relationship, including marriage, each partner will be better able to do their part, by understanding their own interests and wishes.Concentrate more on what you'd like from your marriage.  This will naturally raise the questions and criteria of what to talk with your husband about and what to ask of him.Think over whether you wish to divorce or not.Since he hasn't taken any action, then for the moment, you can assume he is not sure of what he wants.Once you feel a little more clear on your opinion about your marriage, including feeling uncertain if you'd like it to end or continue, then you will be able to tell your husband the suggestions you have for resolving the dispute matter and emotions.Try to re-direct your speculations about, "what does he want", "I wonder what he's thinking", back to answering these very reasonable questions, about yourself.This will strengthen your own purpose in clarifying where to start and guide a discussion with him.Good luck!

<s>[INST] My husband and I got into a huge dispute. He said he wanted a divorce, and I left. I still come home a lot and see my kids, and he has not filed yet even though he still said he is. What does that mean for our marriage? [/INST] In any relationship, including marriage, each partner will be better able to do their part, by understanding their own interests and wishes.Concentrate more on what you'd like from your marriage.  This will naturally raise the questions and criteria of what to talk with your husband about and what to ask of him.Think over whether you wish to divorce or not.Since he hasn't taken any action, then for the moment, you can assume he is not sure of what he wants.Once you feel a little more clear on your opinion about your marriage, including feeling uncertain if you'd like it to end or continue, then you will be able to tell your husband the suggestions you have for resolving the dispute matter and emotions.Try to re-direct your speculations about, "what does he want", "I wonder what he's thinking", back to answering these very reasonable questions, about yourself.This will strengthen your own purpose in clarifying where to start and guide a discussion with him.Good luck! </s>

How does a person start the counseling process?

Hi! Great question! My suggestion would be to google therapists in your area.  One great website is called Psychology Today, which is a National site.  You can search for therapists in your zip code and search more specifically for the issue you are seeking support about.  It's a great way to find out if they therapist has a speciality, accepts insurance and whether they offer a free phone consultation. I would then make a list of the ones that may be a good fit and then give them a call!  :)  Hope this helps. Remember you get to ask anything you need to, to determine if someone is a good fit.  Don't be afraid to ask anything!  :)  Best of luck!

<s>[INST] How does a person start the counseling process? [/INST] Hi! Great question! My suggestion would be to google therapists in your area.  One great website is called Psychology Today, which is a National site.  You can search for therapists in your zip code and search more specifically for the issue you are seeking support about.  It's a great way to find out if they therapist has a speciality, accepts insurance and whether they offer a free phone consultation. I would then make a list of the ones that may be a good fit and then give them a call!  :)  Hope this helps. Remember you get to ask anything you need to, to determine if someone is a good fit.  Don't be afraid to ask anything!  :)  Best of luck! </s>

Does counseling really do anything that can help people?

Hi!  Great question.  I believe counseling does help people! Of course, I am a therapist, so I would think that! :)  Seriously - I think therapy and counseling allow us to understand ourselves, our motivations and the things that bring us happiness and discontent.  Therapy can create opportunities to try new skills and enhance positive attributes that are already present in someone.  I like to think of therapy as an unbiased "aerial view" of our lives. Someone outside can often help us notice things we might otherwise miss. Hope this helps! 

<s>[INST] Does counseling really do anything that can help people? [/INST] Hi!  Great question.  I believe counseling does help people! Of course, I am a therapist, so I would think that! :)  Seriously - I think therapy and counseling allow us to understand ourselves, our motivations and the things that bring us happiness and discontent.  Therapy can create opportunities to try new skills and enhance positive attributes that are already present in someone.  I like to think of therapy as an unbiased "aerial view" of our lives. Someone outside can often help us notice things we might otherwise miss. Hope this helps! </s>

I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and I’m beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I’ve been happily married for almost 35 years. I’ve never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling?

You absolutely do not have "too many issues" for counseling. Your reaching out to ask this question shows you have a resilient spirit. Also, your happy marriage can be a support and strength to you as you embark on a counseling journey. I would recommend that you find a counselor who specializes in trauma, sexual trauma and/or EMDR (a type of therapy that is proven to have a strong impact on healing from trauma). Good luck!

<s>[INST] I have so many issues to address. I have a history of sexual abuse, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I am a lifetime insomniac. I have a long history of depression and I’m beginning to have anxiety. I have low self esteem but I’ve been happily married for almost 35 years. I’ve never had counseling about any of this. Do I have too many issues to address in counseling? [/INST] You absolutely do not have "too many issues" for counseling. Your reaching out to ask this question shows you have a resilient spirit. Also, your happy marriage can be a support and strength to you as you embark on a counseling journey. I would recommend that you find a counselor who specializes in trauma, sexual trauma and/or EMDR (a type of therapy that is proven to have a strong impact on healing from trauma). Good luck! </s>

I'm a teenager and I've been sneaking out of my house at night for a year now. I've been caught several times. I want to stop doing this but I don't know where to start. How do I stop?

This is not totally unusual behavior, but the fact that you would like to stop and cannot seem to be able to points to something deeper. That cannot be unpacked online, but I'm glad that you're in this space and asking this question. Try to find a therapist who seems like a good fit and begin to get to work on this issue and what all is going on for you. You're not alone!

<s>[INST] I'm a teenager and I've been sneaking out of my house at night for a year now. I've been caught several times. I want to stop doing this but I don't know where to start. How do I stop? [/INST] This is not totally unusual behavior, but the fact that you would like to stop and cannot seem to be able to points to something deeper. That cannot be unpacked online, but I'm glad that you're in this space and asking this question. Try to find a therapist who seems like a good fit and begin to get to work on this issue and what all is going on for you. You're not alone! </s>

I feel so alone. I have so many people around me, but it seems as they just listen and dont understand. They say it will all be okay, or they don't listen to me st all. Everyone says they are here for me but it doesn't feel like they are. Why do I feel so alone?

Hello there.  Thank you for sharing your heart here.  I want to start off by saying, in kind of an ironic way, your struggle is something many people go through, I might say quite often.  Many feel alone with one another quite frequently.  THe reasons for feeling alone vary much between person to person.  In reading how you presented things, I will just respond from how this strikes me.  Sometimes feeling alone might be the result of not completing the second half of the equation; meaning that although people "listen" it wont necessarily equate the elimination of being alone. Instead, its when you follow up by inquiring and listening to others that you  may discover they feel and think and struggle just like you do. And as a result, you discover you really were never alone; when people discover common struggle and feelings, we are connected.  Second, we as humans are sometimes feeling alone because we may be lacking some self-acceptance.  Not fully accepting myself or situation , can be in the way of feeling the presence of others or the hearing the voice of others too. Or in other words, not bein 'ok' with myself makes it difficult being with others.  Third; feeling alone may be us not clear on what we are really needing from another person?   These are just some thoughts to consider.  Aloneness feels so real; and yet it has much to do with our perspective and view of things...  we are all alone in a crowded world until we speak and listen more closely.Kindly-keith hughes M.A.  keithcounseling.com

<s>[INST] I feel so alone. I have so many people around me, but it seems as they just listen and dont understand. They say it will all be okay, or they don't listen to me st all. Everyone says they are here for me but it doesn't feel like they are. Why do I feel so alone? [/INST] Hello there.  Thank you for sharing your heart here.  I want to start off by saying, in kind of an ironic way, your struggle is something many people go through, I might say quite often.  Many feel alone with one another quite frequently.  THe reasons for feeling alone vary much between person to person.  In reading how you presented things, I will just respond from how this strikes me.  Sometimes feeling alone might be the result of not completing the second half of the equation; meaning that although people "listen" it wont necessarily equate the elimination of being alone. Instead, its when you follow up by inquiring and listening to others that you  may discover they feel and think and struggle just like you do. And as a result, you discover you really were never alone; when people discover common struggle and feelings, we are connected.  Second, we as humans are sometimes feeling alone because we may be lacking some self-acceptance.  Not fully accepting myself or situation , can be in the way of feeling the presence of others or the hearing the voice of others too. Or in other words, not bein 'ok' with myself makes it difficult being with others.  Third; feeling alone may be us not clear on what we are really needing from another person?   These are just some thoughts to consider.  Aloneness feels so real; and yet it has much to do with our perspective and view of things...  we are all alone in a crowded world until we speak and listen more closely.Kindly-keith hughes M.A.  keithcounseling.com </s>

I've hit my head on walls and floors ever since I was young. I sometimes still do it but I don't exactly know why, I have anxiety and I had a rough childhood but now I'll start to hit my head and sometimes not realize it but I don't know how to stop or even why I'm doing it. How can I help myself to change my behavior?

The best way to handle anxiety of this level is with a combination of appropriate medication given to you by a medical doctor, and therapy to help you understand the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are causing the anxiety. This is not something that anyone should just “white knuckle” and try to get through on their own with no help. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a technique that has been proven helpful for depression and anxiety. This takes a therapist trained in CBT. You will learn to recognize when and why you perform the behavior of hitting your head, help you deal with the underlying cause of this, and replace the behavior with a more positive behavior. You'll learn coping skills.You mention having a rough childhood. Anyone who has experienced trauma like this, especially long-term ongoing trauma from abuse of any kind, definitely does not need "exposure therapy", which is what is recommended for phobias. You need a therapist trained specifically in trauma informed therapy.You are on the right path by recognizing there is an issue and what it is. Good luck with your healing journey!

<s>[INST] I've hit my head on walls and floors ever since I was young. I sometimes still do it but I don't exactly know why, I have anxiety and I had a rough childhood but now I'll start to hit my head and sometimes not realize it but I don't know how to stop or even why I'm doing it. How can I help myself to change my behavior? [/INST] The best way to handle anxiety of this level is with a combination of appropriate medication given to you by a medical doctor, and therapy to help you understand the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are causing the anxiety. This is not something that anyone should just “white knuckle” and try to get through on their own with no help. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a technique that has been proven helpful for depression and anxiety. This takes a therapist trained in CBT. You will learn to recognize when and why you perform the behavior of hitting your head, help you deal with the underlying cause of this, and replace the behavior with a more positive behavior. You'll learn coping skills.You mention having a rough childhood. Anyone who has experienced trauma like this, especially long-term ongoing trauma from abuse of any kind, definitely does not need "exposure therapy", which is what is recommended for phobias. You need a therapist trained specifically in trauma informed therapy.You are on the right path by recognizing there is an issue and what it is. Good luck with your healing journey! </s>

I get an uncontrollable swallowing that is repetitive and then somewhat out of body feeling that lasts no more than a minute or two. It usually happens in bed at night, but I occasionally experience this during the day. I have a benign brain tumor, but the doctor said it is not associated with this.

I'm not entirely sure whether this relates to something in the mental health realm or if there is something else happening. I know you said that your doctor said it is not related to your physical condition, but have you tried speaking with your primary care physician? I've seen people with many different symptoms that end up being related to acid reflux or something of that nature. As far as the out of body experience, there are different stages of sleep, so if this is happening in the middle of the night and you are waking up from a dream, you may not be fully awake when it's going on. These are just some thoughts, but I think talking to your primary care physician would be a great place to start.

<s>[INST] I get an uncontrollable swallowing that is repetitive and then somewhat out of body feeling that lasts no more than a minute or two. It usually happens in bed at night, but I occasionally experience this during the day. I have a benign brain tumor, but the doctor said it is not associated with this. [/INST] I'm not entirely sure whether this relates to something in the mental health realm or if there is something else happening. I know you said that your doctor said it is not related to your physical condition, but have you tried speaking with your primary care physician? I've seen people with many different symptoms that end up being related to acid reflux or something of that nature. As far as the out of body experience, there are different stages of sleep, so if this is happening in the middle of the night and you are waking up from a dream, you may not be fully awake when it's going on. These are just some thoughts, but I think talking to your primary care physician would be a great place to start. </s>

I feel really uncomfortable when I have people's attention. It makes me not want to talk in public or answer questions in class. Can I get over this social anxiety?

Since anxiety usually about anticipating a bad result, or fear of being judged negatively, as though having failed some sort of test, consider what would give you the feeling of anticipating a good result from talking to an audience?Maybe, for example, if you prepared and rehearsed your talk more than what you typically would, you'd feel more secure in speaking  in front of an audience.Once you sort through your particular reason as to the source of your discomfort, it may feel more manageable.Yes, social anxiety can change.  You may naturally prefer smaller groups than an audience.And, it is possible to decrease anxiety in what may always be somewhat uncomfortable for you.

<s>[INST] I feel really uncomfortable when I have people's attention. It makes me not want to talk in public or answer questions in class. Can I get over this social anxiety? [/INST] Since anxiety usually about anticipating a bad result, or fear of being judged negatively, as though having failed some sort of test, consider what would give you the feeling of anticipating a good result from talking to an audience?Maybe, for example, if you prepared and rehearsed your talk more than what you typically would, you'd feel more secure in speaking  in front of an audience.Once you sort through your particular reason as to the source of your discomfort, it may feel more manageable.Yes, social anxiety can change.  You may naturally prefer smaller groups than an audience.And, it is possible to decrease anxiety in what may always be somewhat uncomfortable for you. </s>

A lot of times, I avoid situations where I am to meet new people because I have a fear of embarrassing myself. I often avoid large groups of people, like parties, because I think they all constantly judge me.

Why not accept and tolerate that you naturally are a shy person who doesn't like large groups?This is not necessarily something to get over if it is part of who you are.People have the capacity to judge others regardless of whether the group is large or small.If you aren't afraid of being judged in small groups then study the factors which allow you to feel safe in small groups. Possibly you can generalize your findings to large group venues.If you try the and aren't successful, then likely you simply aren't naturally someone who cares for large group settings.Not everything a person doesn't like is a symptom of something is wrong w the person!

<s>[INST] A lot of times, I avoid situations where I am to meet new people because I have a fear of embarrassing myself. I often avoid large groups of people, like parties, because I think they all constantly judge me. [/INST] Why not accept and tolerate that you naturally are a shy person who doesn't like large groups?This is not necessarily something to get over if it is part of who you are.People have the capacity to judge others regardless of whether the group is large or small.If you aren't afraid of being judged in small groups then study the factors which allow you to feel safe in small groups. Possibly you can generalize your findings to large group venues.If you try the and aren't successful, then likely you simply aren't naturally someone who cares for large group settings.Not everything a person doesn't like is a symptom of something is wrong w the person! </s>

She's busy because her mom makes her clean all the time and go out places with her family. We don't talk much because of it. Also, we have little fights. We want to work it out but we don't know how.

Maybe you can start with having 15 minutes per week that you know you will be spending time with each other (even if it needs to be on the phone). Because this much time could be scheduled ahead of time, at least you would know there was that time that was set aside. That may also help you to rekindle some conversations between you.As far as your little fights, consider spending five minutes with one of you talking about one issue that is a concern and the other partner asking questions that are open-ended (cannot be answered with just yes or no) and listening as an investigative reporter to try to learn more about what the other person is experiencing. Then, once the partner who started speaking thinks the listening partner is understanding where they are coming from, switch. It's also good to restate what you think you are hearing. Then you know what each other is truly following about this. Also remember that following or understanding what someone is saying does not imply agreement, just that you are recognizing what they are saying and able to see where they are coming from.Also consider noticing what makes you feel valued, special, loved, or appreciated. Think of the same for your girlfriend. This could be a great discussion to have as well.

<s>[INST] She's busy because her mom makes her clean all the time and go out places with her family. We don't talk much because of it. Also, we have little fights. We want to work it out but we don't know how. [/INST] Maybe you can start with having 15 minutes per week that you know you will be spending time with each other (even if it needs to be on the phone). Because this much time could be scheduled ahead of time, at least you would know there was that time that was set aside. That may also help you to rekindle some conversations between you.As far as your little fights, consider spending five minutes with one of you talking about one issue that is a concern and the other partner asking questions that are open-ended (cannot be answered with just yes or no) and listening as an investigative reporter to try to learn more about what the other person is experiencing. Then, once the partner who started speaking thinks the listening partner is understanding where they are coming from, switch. It's also good to restate what you think you are hearing. Then you know what each other is truly following about this. Also remember that following or understanding what someone is saying does not imply agreement, just that you are recognizing what they are saying and able to see where they are coming from.Also consider noticing what makes you feel valued, special, loved, or appreciated. Think of the same for your girlfriend. This could be a great discussion to have as well. </s>

My fiancé and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough sexual attention from me. I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?

As a relationship therapist I work with couples all the time that are in the repair phase of their relationship after infidelity. The short answer to this, is not only is it possible to have a satisfying and fullfilling relationship after infidelity, it happens more often that we may know. The current rate of infidelity is high, while it's not important to go into many reasons, it mau be important to know you aren't alone in this! My biggest suggestion for you would be to seek out a professional counselor that specializes in working with couples healing from infidelity. Best of luck!

<s>[INST] My fiancé and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough sexual attention from me. I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on? [/INST] As a relationship therapist I work with couples all the time that are in the repair phase of their relationship after infidelity. The short answer to this, is not only is it possible to have a satisfying and fullfilling relationship after infidelity, it happens more often that we may know. The current rate of infidelity is high, while it's not important to go into many reasons, it mau be important to know you aren't alone in this! My biggest suggestion for you would be to seek out a professional counselor that specializes in working with couples healing from infidelity. Best of luck! </s>

I need help dealing with stress. How can I handle it all and feel less stressed out?

There are many causes for feeling stressed out. Between a demanding job, family responsibilities, and everything else that can come up, stress becomes more and more part of our everyday life. One of the best ways to combat the toxic effects of stress on our bodies, social lives, and overall well being is to engage in self-care. But not the self-care that most people think of like vacations or massages. The best self-care is the kind that helps you live the life that you already have rather than escape it. You see, the reason why vacations and massages don't work long term in reducing stress is that they allow you to escape from what is causing the stress without truly fixing it so you just return to what already stressed you out. So, instead you need to find ways to help live with the stressors that you already have. They can be things like creating a more manageable schedule, introducing healthy eating or exercising, financial planning, and even learning a few simple relaxation skills. The key to combatting stress is to make small but consistent changes to your life so that it becomes more manageable and more enjoyable.

<s>[INST] I need help dealing with stress. How can I handle it all and feel less stressed out? [/INST] There are many causes for feeling stressed out. Between a demanding job, family responsibilities, and everything else that can come up, stress becomes more and more part of our everyday life. One of the best ways to combat the toxic effects of stress on our bodies, social lives, and overall well being is to engage in self-care. But not the self-care that most people think of like vacations or massages. The best self-care is the kind that helps you live the life that you already have rather than escape it. You see, the reason why vacations and massages don't work long term in reducing stress is that they allow you to escape from what is causing the stress without truly fixing it so you just return to what already stressed you out. So, instead you need to find ways to help live with the stressors that you already have. They can be things like creating a more manageable schedule, introducing healthy eating or exercising, financial planning, and even learning a few simple relaxation skills. The key to combatting stress is to make small but consistent changes to your life so that it becomes more manageable and more enjoyable. </s>

I'm in my late teens and live with my dad. The only time I go out is for my college classes. Sometimes when I see my friends I want to talk with them, but sometimes I won't want to talk to them for days or even weeks. Sometimes I feel i'm not worth knowing or i'm never going to do anything right. Are they right, am I depressed?

If we were in my office together, I would offer that most likely you are feeling somewhat depressed. It's most important for me to impress that you "don't have to live like this..."  Other helpful information: Have you experienced similar symptoms before?  Anyone in  your family been depressed before?  Based on other physiological signs, like quality of sleep, appetite, energy/motivation, I would present you with some treatment options, one of which would be to consult with a medication management provider to assess your symptoms and provide additional information for you to consider.

<s>[INST] I'm in my late teens and live with my dad. The only time I go out is for my college classes. Sometimes when I see my friends I want to talk with them, but sometimes I won't want to talk to them for days or even weeks. Sometimes I feel i'm not worth knowing or i'm never going to do anything right. Are they right, am I depressed? [/INST] If we were in my office together, I would offer that most likely you are feeling somewhat depressed. It's most important for me to impress that you "don't have to live like this..."  Other helpful information: Have you experienced similar symptoms before?  Anyone in  your family been depressed before?  Based on other physiological signs, like quality of sleep, appetite, energy/motivation, I would present you with some treatment options, one of which would be to consult with a medication management provider to assess your symptoms and provide additional information for you to consider. </s>