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1,001 | Thought I saw a walking burrito but it was just a pug in a raincoat. |
1,002 | How are babies different from feminists? Babies grow up and stop crying. |
1,003 | What do you call a donkey that falls into a pile of sugar? A Sweet Ass ( ) |
1,004 | Cops are looking for a man who robbed a store using scissors. They say the guy could be a real danger--unless you have a rock. |
1,005 | Can't believe my neighbors don't have any rum. How am I supposed to enjoy their hot tub while they're on vacation? |
1,006 | People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No. |
1,007 | I hate people who think it's cool to take drugs ...like customs officers |
1,008 | Why kind of cigarettes do Hawaiians smoke? Mahalo bro lights. |
1,009 | Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn't have borrowed all that money. |
1,010 | Me: *pouts at front facing camera* Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend. |
1,011 | Flavor Flav turns 51 today. He'll spend a quiet day at home, still resting up after a weekend of moving clocks forward. |
1,012 | Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles? Because his wife is dead. |
1,013 | Ate a salad for lunch so basically I didn't eat lunch. |
1,014 | I only date right handed women... Righty tighty, lefty loosey |
1,015 | What do you feed a disappearing cat? Evaporated milk |
1,016 | "This birthday cake certainly is crunchy." "Maybe you should spit out the plate!" |
1,017 | Toilet stolen from police station Cops have nothing to go on. |
1,018 | In honour of Back To The Future, I just went back in time one hour. That's the joke. |
1,019 | How do you spot a blind man at a nudist colony? It's not hard. |
1,020 | [describing a chair] it's like a swing without all the drama |
1,021 | So, this baby seal walks into a club... [o(;_;)o](http://youtu.be/TK2TuqcNWPY?t=30s) |
1,022 | The band The Doors have decided to change their name after the next member dies It's gonna be Three Doors Down. |
1,023 | How much does a corpse weigh? A skele-ton |
1,024 | I'm pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills. |
1,025 | If you're behind someone at an ATM late night, let them know you're not a threat by giving them a gentle kiss on their neck. |
1,026 | Kill me once, shame on me. Kill me twice, shaman you. |
1,027 | Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear. |
1,028 | How does the moon cut his hair? 'Eclipse it Thought it was relevant to today's eclipse... |
1,029 | 3 Old Women and a Flasher Three old women are sitting on a park bench when a man comes by and flashes them. Two of them have a stroke, and the third one couldn't reach. |
1,030 | Why did a man's pet vulture not make a sound for five years? It was stuffed. |
1,031 | I'm worried about my friend My friend has just be diagnosed as a Polaroid Schizophrenic. It developed quickly. |
1,032 | Is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, I might vote for it. |
1,033 | What do you call it when a Cat wins a Dogshow? Cat-has-trophy. Such punny. Much Cringe. |
1,034 | I dont care or think about the people in my past... there is some reason why they didn't make it to my future! |
1,035 | You know what jokes are the worst? Lesbian jokes. Those are for pussies. |
1,036 | I figure I must be Bi-sexual. I have sex twice a year. |
1,037 | What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this! |
1,038 | Whats long, green, and smells like pork? Kermit's finger. |
1,039 | TOP TEN REASONS WHY BEER IS BETTER THAN RELIGION |
1,040 | Every time student loan rates double, the price of solo cups should get cut in half. |
1,041 | What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle? Beef Strokenoff |
1,042 | Did you hear about the magic tractor? It went down a hill and turned into a field |
1,043 | Why do Communists only drink coffee? Because proper tea is theft. |
1,044 | Man died after crushing against a mirror Witnesses said: "he saw it coming" |
1,045 | How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up behind it |
1,046 | I've decided to fight my addiction I'm not posting on reddit until next year |
1,047 | I am sick and tired of women jokes!! period! |
1,048 | Apologies your honor [slides ventriloquist dummy back under my seat] I was told these proceedings were going to be televised. |
1,049 | I like asking girls if I can buy them a drink and when they say yes I yell "YOU DON'T KNOW MY FINANCIAL SITUATION" and run away. |
1,050 | People who say "in and of itself" are responsible for most of the trouble in the world. |
1,051 | I didn't know what to wear the the premature ejaculators meeting... So I just came in my pants. |
1,052 | My weather forecast is always "room temperature." |
1,053 | Another poor soul worked at a company making blankets. He lost his job when the company folded. |
1,054 | Funny that when a girl sleeps with a lot of guys she's considered a slut ... but when I do it I'm gay. |
1,055 | Did you know that men are more successful than women in committing suicides? Ladies, can you gals do anything right? |
1,056 | Of course he's going to get re-elected, because once you go Black... |
1,057 | Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough. |
1,058 | The last US election had a candidate called Mitt, a devout Catholic and a candidate called Newt, a serial adulterer. One was against same sex marriage and the other was against same marriage sex. |
1,059 | Made a hiking playlist earlier called trail mix It has a lot of eminem in it |
1,060 | How do you tell who the extroverted engineers are? They're the ones who look at YOUR shoes when they talk to you. |
1,061 | What do you call a tight asshole? a noose |
1,062 | Damn girl, are you a pig? Because your mother looks like a pig. Because you look damn hot bacon in the Sun. Because I want to stuff you like Thanksgiving dinner. . . . More suggestions appreciated |
1,063 | Insomnia causes questionable browser history. |
1,064 | Milk toast was probably named by same lazy guy that named the fireplace and waterfall. |
1,065 | If you want to set up and run a small company... ...that's your business |
1,066 | Everyone needs a three hour nap after their breakfast pizza, right? |
1,067 | I was sitting on the train this morning, and I saw a really sexy Thai girl I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection", but she did. |
1,068 | My boyfriend and I are Cherokee Indians. He stood me up at our favorite restaurant last night... But it's OK. I don't think we could have stayed anyway, we didn't have a reservation. |
1,069 | How do you make Holy water? Boil the hell out of it. |
1,070 | I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940. |
1,071 | My wife's credit card got stolen and she doesn't know how... I do, I've been praying for a financial miracle. |
1,072 | Why did the noodles go to rehab? To get yakisoba. |
1,073 | Hey dude! Would we be considered in-laws if I slept with your wife? No... we'd be even. |
1,074 | Since I started dating my girlfriend a year ago I became a millionaire! 6 months ago I was a billionaire :( |
1,075 | What does Lamar Odom have in common with a hooker? Excellent ball control. |
1,076 | How do you tell the difference between a meth head and a hillbilly? The meth head still has teeth. |
1,077 | I walked in on my wife singing the other day. Surprised, I said "Oh, I thought you were the radio." Flattered, she asked "Did you come to listen?" "No," I replied, "I came to turn it off." |
1,078 | How does Darth Vader like his toast? On the dark side. |
1,079 | My girlfriend caught me cross-dressing So I packed up her clothes and left |
1,080 | So I'm still newish around here... What are the rules about Canadians? Does everybody get one? Do I get to choose? Where do I sign up? |
1,081 | I have a Victoria's Secret model's body!! (in my basement) |
1,082 | What do you call a slutty camera? A loose Canon. |
1,083 | What do you call the most successful vasectomist in American history? American Snipper |
1,084 | What do you call a bowl full of leaves and epileptics? Seizure Salad. |
1,085 | Instead of God, try worshipping a golf cart for a few years and see if it makes any difference. |
1,086 | I think the only thing a bike helmet protects you from is getting laid |
1,087 | What did Patrick Stewart say when he proposed to his wife? Engage. |
1,088 | Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store. |
1,089 | Whats the difference between a boy scout and a jew? The boy scout returns home from the camp. |
1,090 | A girl walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre... so he gives it to her |
1,091 | A wavy guitarist has a low self esteem He just wanted to B-flat |
1,092 | Tried to cash in on this kid joke thing. My daughter is a disappointment. Why did the skeleton cross the road? He didn't because he doesn't have skin and he just fell apart. |
1,093 | What happens when a Chinese man with a boner runs into a wall? He breaks his nose. |
1,094 | No thanks resolutions, if I wanted to be reminded of everything I didn't follow through on at the end of the year, I'd get married again. |
1,095 | Why does Germany have so many different kinds of bread? Well, we had to do something with the ovens. |
1,096 | Just finished painting my bedroom in under ten minutes using vinyl Surely that's some kind of record. |
1,097 | Q: How do spies send secret messages in a forest? A: By moss code. |
1,098 | What do you call a ghost with a broken leg? Hoblin Goblin. |
1,099 | Why was the detective excited when he found a thimble sized crown? He was looking for Finger Prince. (Say it out loud if you don't get it.) |
1,100 | Happy Greek Easter! Which Greek God loved to collect animals? Zoos |