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Maximofn

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Why do gay men always have candles near their asses? So the gerbils can find their way out.

[At the coroners' to identify a body] Me: "Yep. That's a body all right."

What do Jesus and your mom have in common? They both got nailed all night.

How does J.G. Wentworth tell you that he's hungry? "It's my tummy, and I feed it NOW!"

I can see you're upset. Maybe you should post more about it on Facebook. That should eliminate any more drama.

Dear lord, I thank you for these noodles I am about to eat. Ramen.

I have a pen..... I have a apple :D

I want a girlfriend with OCD, that way whenever I want to go home I can just say "Are you sure you checked the stove before we left?"

Nothing good has ever gone into a microwave at 3:00am.

woke up just in time to push my cat off the bed before he threw up. today is going to be magical.

Just stirred my coffee with a fork if any of you guys are looking for a new bad boy to join your crew.

I was licking this girl all over her face right up until she explained to me what doggy style was.

What's the name of the best brewer in the world? Bock Goodale

If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook... It's your own fault for not making it offensive enough!

To all the girls that say Gentlemen don't exist anymore: They do exist but Gentlemen are attracted to Ladies. Not s?uts. Sorry.

Did you hear about the idiot who invented the one-piece jigsaw puzzle?

"Sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound. At least, I'm pretty sure...

A horse walks into the bar Several people left because they realised the possible dangers of that situation.

I've decided to make an all-natural shampoo made from roots found in Africa. I'll call it Ethnic Cleansing.

What's the integral of 1/(cabin)? 1 natural log cabin. I'll show myself out.

What's the only thing an Irish person can hold on to? A grudge.

A Midget Walked Past Me On The Sidewalk Today Wearing A Shirt That Said "I Hate Black People" ...I thought to myself "Well damn- thats a little racist.

Nsfw Whats the difference between a Catholic priest and a zit? The zit waits untill you're 12 to come onto your face.

True: If you don't eat a whole basket of tortilla chips before your entree arrives in a Mexican restaurant it means you don't love your mom.

What do you get if you cross Bossy with a vampire? Dracowla!

A clown at the circus got tomato thrown at him from the audience, he turns and says HAY, THATS NOT FUNNY

Doctors have confirmed that masturbation is life threatening Many men have died after having a stroke

The Presidential Debate We don't know if Hillary is telling the truth, and we're hoping Trump isn't

What does a sheep in denial say? Nahhhh

Q. How did the blonde die ice-fishing? A. She was run over by the zambonis machine.

I really like those Black and White movies where no one speaks Inter racial porn.

hey girl are you my ceiling fan because i'm pretty hot but also too lazy to get up and turn you on

Alien 1: What are the Humans doing? Alien 2: Celebrating the existence of their mothers. Alien 1: I ate my mother. Alien 2: As did I.

Remove all the poles if you don't want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

What Did the Upvote whore say to the Redditor? I'll suck yo dick for a Upvote

Wiping your ass is a lot like a traffic light Red means stop.

I'm never more ruthless than when deciding who to wish a happy birthday to on Facebook and who to ignore.

"I'll be a dentist. Then they'll love me." "We're terrified of dentists." "I'll kill a lion!" "It was a beloved lion with a name." "Dammit."

Just because I'm Irish doesn't mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

Just once I'd like to wake up as eager to start the day as my p*nis is.

My friend asked me... My friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library I said wtf man it's 2016 you can use whatever printer you want

Subway's Jared got famous for fitting into smaller pants... ...now he is known for hoping to get into really small pants.

Kissing a sleeping woman in an animated Disney movie, romantic.....but do it on a bus and the judge doesn't agree.

Why do melons always have big weddings? Because they can't elope.

What did Asian Jesus say before he was crucified? (OC) YORO (You only resurrect once)

What is the preferred coffee drink of people with alzheimer's? The Iforgotto

You can consider yourself lucky in life, if the cognac you drink is older than the woman that you're sleeping with.

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a voluptuous lobster? One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean. :D edit: funnier when said aloud

I just got a job helping a one arm typist do capital letters... Its shift work.

I decided today that I want to have kids I hope they taste good

What do you call a group of chickens dressed up like crows? A murder most fowl. (I'll see myself out...)

Which nut could pimp the Prince of Darkness? Mack-a-Dameon.

Italians and Spaniards are so used to Catholic child abuse... ... That they call the Pope daddy

If you find yourself in a hole. Stop digging.

Tom got a backache from working as a seer. He's got the hunch.

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It's a hardware problem.

I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I've killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

Guest: Why did you offer me a piece of candy? Hotel Clerk: You said you wanted the best suite in the hotel.

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early? Me: Because we have had enough of you for today

Everyone in my class is arguing about science, And I'm just sitting here, maths debating.

A policeman sees two boys, one with batteries, the other with fireworks He charges the first boy and lets the other off.

The best way of saving money is to forget who you borrowed it from.

I like my chicken how I like my babies Deep fried and delicious

I bet a heroin addict could find a needle in a haystack.

what did cinderella do when she got to the ball? gag...

I got in trouble for calling the rape hotline... Apparently it's only for "victims".

My daughter asked me how much longer until she can be a grown up and I said, "no."

I saw a sausage fly by my window I must be going insane it was actually a bird. I think I've taken a Tern for the Wurst

If Kevin Bacon never said "want some bacon with your eggs" to a lonely chick in a bar, life just doesn't make sense anymore.

"Hey, wanna hangout?" "Later." "Now?" "No, later" "How about now?" "Jesus christ." -if Adobe Updater was your friend

Follow your dreams. Unless you're a narcoleptic who wants to be a limo driver. That's dangerous, dude.

What was Hitler's last two words? Oy Vey!

Republicans help the poor during the holidays by sending 50 one buck at a time to panhandlers on the street.

I can't tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.

I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::...:::::

How do you make Helen Keller cry? Turn the stool upside-down

Learning to love yourself is important. Just don't let your wife catch you doing it.

My life That's the joke.

Sometimes the smartest thing you can do, is play stupid.

Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter. Him: Don't be discouraged. You'll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.

Me texting friend: Hey! What's up? Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling* Me: I am so glad I didn't ask "how's it hanging"

I cheated a guy in poker so he burnt down my house. I guess you could say it was a conflagration

Two blonds are having a conversation. Two blonds are having a conversation when one says to the other "I had sex with a brazilian last night" The other blond replies "WOW that's a lot of men"

Did u hear about the leper poker game? everyone threw their hands in

'I want to see other kids.' ~Me, parenting.

The nintendo 64 turned 18 last month Which means you can now legally blow the cartridges

They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum

Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast? Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some? Son: NO. I hate casserole. Me (whispers): I know...

Before I lose my phone, end up naked, high, drunk and/or possibly arrested, I would like to wish you all a Happy Friday.

My friend's a scientist and accidentally chilled his lab rat to absolute zero... At first the rat was just frozen, but he's 0K now.

What do you call a masturbating cow? Beef stroganoff.

"Some say I have a drinking problem" *pours glass of water on lap*

Fun typo: "You ate the most important thing in my life."

A mushroom walks into a bar The bartender says: "Get out of here! We don't serve your kind here." The mushroom says: "Why not man? I really am a FunGi."

I voted for Jill Stein Finally I'm part of the 1%

Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine? Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.

What did the hamburger say when it pleaded 'not guilty'? I've been flamed!

Starbucks really isn't that expensive when compared to what Victoria's Secret charges per cup

What do you call little kids in Belgium? Brusselsprouts

They say love is worth more than money. But I'm pretty sure my landlord is gona want more than a hug.