conversations
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[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"School\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry. They were doing so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc., that each had an \"A\" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth five points. It was something simple about free radical formation. \"Cool,\" they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, \"this is going to be easy.\" Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. \"T-Square, do your stuff.\" T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. The Accountant said his dog could do better, and said, \"Slide Rule, do your stuff.\" Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. The Chemist said his dog could do better still, so he called his dog and said, \"Measure, do your stuff.\" Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great. The Government Worker called to his dog and said, \"Coffee Break, do your stuff!\" Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home on sick leave. Everyone agreed that was really typical."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Military\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. \"You've got to have a room somewhere,\" he pleaded, \"or just a bed, I don't care where.\" \"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy,\" admitted the manager, \"and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.\" \"No problem,\" the tired Navy man assured him, \"I'll take it.\" The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. \"How'd you sleep?\" asked the manager. \"Never better.\" The manager was impressed. \"No problem with the other guy snoring?\" \"Nope, I shut him up in no time,\" said the Navy guy. \"How'd you manage that?\" asked the manager. \"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,\" the sailor explained. \"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man and his wife were in a fancy resturant. While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed the other waiters and busboys each had a similar spoon. So the husband says, \"what's with the spoon?\"The waiter said,\"well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil. So if we carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift.The husband was impressed. Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his, stating, \"I'll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else\". While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband asks, \" hey, there's a string on your pants\". The waiter tells him, \" not all my customers are as observant as you... the same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash up and saving time.\" The husband was impressed, but asked, \" it's a good idea but how do you get it back in your pants?\". The waiter leaned close and whispered, \" well I don't know about the rest of them, but personally I use the spoon.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A new preacher told his wife he was going to preach on water skiing,she said you can't preach on water skiing. if you do i am not going, so she stayed home in the house behind the church as the preacher listened to the singing and got ready to preach and thought I don't know anything about water skiing I will preach on sex,after church a deacon walked by the house and told the preachers wife it sure was a good sermon.and the preachers wife said am really surprised he only tried it twice and fell off both times."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One day a blonde was golfing. She hit the ball into the sand and went to retrieve it. She was just bending down to get it when she heard a small voice\" If you pick me up I will grant you three wishes.\" \"ok\" she agreed. She picked him up and he said\" Whatever you wish your husband will get 20 times more\" \"alright, for my first wish I want to be beautiful and flawless\" \"Ok that can be done but remember your husband will 20 times more beautiful!\" \"ok\" She became beautiful.\"For my second wish I would like to have a trillion dollars\" \"Ok remember about your husband!\" \"I dont mind\" The blonde felt a wad of money grow in her pocket. \"ok for my last wish I would like to have a small, tiny very little heartattack\" \"Ok but your husband will get 20 times...\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Science\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two 80 year old men sat talking over the weather and the latest in medical science, and such, when one brings up the latest male medical miracle, Viagra. The other wasn't familiar with Viagra and asked the first man what it was for. The first man said, \"It's the greatest thing I've ever known. The Fountain of Youth!! Makes you feel like a man of 30!\" The second then asked, \"Can you get it over the counter?\" \"You probably could, if you took two pills\", said the first man."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Bar Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was a little boy who lived on a farm. One morning when he got up from bed his mother told him he needed to start doing his chores around the farm. The little boy said he would take over the chores for his dad. So he went to the barn and milked the cow when he was done he kicked the cow right in the ass. Then he went and fed the pig, when he was done he kicked the pig in the ass. Then he went to feed the chicken, when he was done he kicked the chicken in the ass. After the chores were done the little boy went into the house and said to his mother \"The chores are done I want some breakfast\". So the mom put a dry bowl of cereal down in front of the little boy, he said, \"What about the milk?\", and the mother replied \"You can't have any milk because you kicked the cow in the ass\". The little boy said, \"Well how about some bacon?\" the mother replied, \"You can't have any bacon because you kicked the pig in the ass\". The little boy said \"Can I at least have an egg?\" The mother replied, \"No, you kicked the chicken in the ass\". In walks his father, who kicked the cat, and the little boy said to his mother \"Do you want to tell him or should I?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "In the convent a young nun went to see the mother superior.\"Mother, I want to quit the veil.\"\"But why, my child?\"\"To become a prostitute.\"\"What? What are you saying?\"\"I said I want to become a prostitute, mother.\"\"Oh, you had me worried. I thought you said protestant!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, ''It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.'' Adam answered, ''Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?'' The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, ''Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.'' And the Lord replied, ''Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I'd like you to caress Eve.'' And Adam said, ''What is a 'caress'?'' So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, ''Lord, that was even better than the kiss.'' And the Lord said, ''You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve.'' And Adam asked, ''What is 'make love', Lord?'' So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds. And Adam said, ''Lord, what is a 'headache'?''"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Einstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... \"God, what does a million years mean to you?\" The Lord replies, \"A minute.\" Einstein asks, \"And what does a million dollars mean to you?\" The Lord replies, \"A penny.\" Einstein asks, \"Can I have a penny?\" The Lord replies, \"In a minute.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A Chinese man and his Jewish friend were walking along one day when the Jewish man whirled and slugged the Chinese man and knocked him down. \"What was that for?\" the Chinese man asked. \"That was for Pearl Harbor!\" the Jewish man said. \"Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese. I'm Chinese.\" \"Chinese, Japanese, you are all the same!\" \"Oh!\" They continued walking and after a while the Chinese man whirled and knocked the Jewish man to the ground. \"What was that for?\" the Jewish man asked. \"That was for the Titanic!\" \"The Titanic? That was an iceberg.\" \"Iceberg, Goldberg, you are all the same.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few minutes a woman comes in and says \"Father forgive me for I have sinned.\" The priest asks \"What did you do?\". The woman says \"I committed adultery.\" Priest: \"How many times?\" Woman: \"Three times.\" Priest: \"Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.\" A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says \"Father forgive me for I have sinned.\" Priest: \"What did you do?\" Man: \"I committed adultery.\" Priest:\"How many times?\" Man: \"Three times.\" Priest: \"Say two Hail Mary's put $5 in the box and go and sin no more.\" The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later another woman enters and says \"Father forgive me for I have sinned.\" Rabbi: \"What did you do?\" Woman: \"I committed adultery.\" Rabbi: \"How many times?\" Woman: \"Once.\" Rabbi: \"Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying \"Jesus is watching you\". He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, \"Jesus is watching you.\" Freaked out, he shone his light around, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. \"Did you say that?\" he hissed at the parrot. \"Yep,\" the parrot confessed, \"I'm just trying to warn you.\" The burglar relaxed. \"Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?\" \"Moses,\" replied the bird. \"Moses\" the burglar laughed. \"What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?\" \"Probably the same kind of people that would name a rotweiller Jesus,\" the bird answered."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man was wandering in the woods, pondering all the mysteries of life and his own personal problems. The man couldn't find the answers, so he sought help from God.\"God? You there, God?\" he asked\"Yes. What is it, my son?\" God answered.\"Mind if I ask a few questions?\" the man asked.\"Go ahead, my son, anything.\"\"God, what is a million years to you?\"God answered, \"A million years to me is only a second.\"The man asked, \"God, what is a million dollars worth to you?\"God replied, \"A million dollars to me is worth only a penny.\"The man lifted his eyebrows and asked his final question. \"God, can I have a penny?\"God answered, \"Sure, give me a second.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The head of the monastery wanted to check how strong his priests are in resisting temptetion. He called 3 of them to his room, and ordered them to put a small bell on their member. After that, he went to the first guy, and showed him a picture of a gorgeous naked girl. \"Gling Gling\", went the bell, and the head of the monastary was furious: \"you call yourself a monk? you are as weak as a baby!\". He went then to the second guy, and showed him a cover of a dirty porn movie. \"Gling Gling\", went the bell. \"you are a disgrace! get out of my sight!\". Almost in complete dispair, he went to the thirs guy and showed him a cover of a porn-magazine. There was silent. \"Way to go, son, you are the only man here worth to be call a monk\", the head of the monastery said, while putting his hand on him. \"Gling Gling\", went the bell."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and wastaking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if hecould drive for awhile. Well, the chauffeur didn'thave much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the backof the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds to hop on 95 and starts accelerating to see whatthe limo could do. Well he gets to about 90 mph and, WHAM !, there arethe blue lights of our friendly State Patrol in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Well thetrooper, seeing who it was, says \"just a moment please I needto call in.\" The trooper radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief\"I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I needto know what to do.\" The chief replys \"Who is it, not Ted again ?\" The trooper says, \"No, even more important.\" The chief replys, \"It's the Governor, is it ?\",the trooper replys \"No, even more important.\" \"It's isn'tthe President is it ?\" \"No, more important\", replys the trooper. \"Well WHO the HECK is it !\", screams the chief. \"I don't know \" says the trooper. \"But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was a priest who decided to enter a monastery. This monastery had strict vows of silence. On his first day, the head abbot told him he could only speak two words every ten years.At the end of his first ten years, the head abbot told him he could speak his first two words. \"Bed hard!\" he said. The abbot recorded this in a book.At the end of his second ten years, he was told he could speak his next two words. \"Food bad!\" he said. The abbot recorded this in the book as well.At the end of the third ten years, he was allowed to speak his next two words. \"I quit!\" he stated.\"Well that doesn't surprise me,\" said the abbot. The record shows you've done nothing by complain for the past thirty years!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him. One day God called to Satan to mock him, \"So, how's it going down there in Hell?\" Satan replied, \"Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.\" God was surprised, \"What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here.\" \"No way,\" replied Satan. \"I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him.\" God threatened, \"Send him back up here now or I'll sue!\" Satan laughed and answered, \"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "God was tired and worn out. So he spoke to St. Peter. \"You know, I need a vacation. Got any suggestions where I should go?\" St. Peter, thinking, nodded his head, then said, \"How about Jupiter? It's nice and warm there this time of the year.\" God shook His head before saying, \"No, too much gravity. You know how that hurts my back.\" \"Hmmm,\" St. Peter reflected. \"Well, how about Mercury?\" \"No way!\" God muttered. \"It's way too hot for me there!\" \"I've got it,\" St. Peter said, his face lighting up. \"How about going down to Earth for your vacation?\" Chuckling, God remarked, \"Are you kidding? Two thousand years ago I went there, had an affair with some nice Jewish girl, and they're STILL talking about it!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Bholaji finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help. He goes into the temple and begins to pray.“Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.” Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Bholaji goes back to the temple. \"Bhagwan please let me win the lotto. I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.” Lotto night comes and Bholaji still has no luck. Back to the temple he goes. \"My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order?\"Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open and Bholaji is confronted by the voice of God: \"Bholaji, buy a damn lottery ticket first.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time. The angel says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital for a few more days and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in heaven again, sees her guardian angel and says, \"I thought you said I had another 30-40 years!!\" The angel replies, \"Sorry. I didn't recognize you.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches. An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. \"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle,\" the priest said. \"Tell me where is this man now?\" \"Flat on his butt over by the holy water,\" said the boy."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "After many years, a young Jewish Talmud student who had left the old country for America returns to visit the family.\"But--where is your beard?\" asks his mother upon seeing him.\"Mama,\" he replies, \"in America, nobody wears a beard.\"\"But at least you keep the Sabbath?\"\"Mama, business is business. In America, everybody works on the Sabbath.\"\"But kosher food you still eat?\"\"Mama, in America, it is very difficult to keep kosher.\"The old lady ponders this information and then leans over and whispers in his ear, \"Isaac, tell me--you’re still circumcised?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "This lady approaches a priest and tells him, \"Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.\" \"What do they say?\" the priest asked. \"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'\" \"That's terrible!\" the priest exclaimed, \"But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.\" \"Thank you,\" said the lady. The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, \"Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?\" One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and screams, \"Frank! Put the Bibles away--our prayers have been answered!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. One was terribly pessimistic, and the other equally optimistic. One Christmas their father hit upon a way to cure them of their differences. He went out and bought the fanciest, most exciting train set for the pessimistic boy. For the optimist he got a Christmas stocking and filled it with horse manure. Christmas morning came, and after the boys had opened their gifts, the dad asked each what Santa Claus had brought him. \"Well,\" said the pessimist, \"I got a train set, but I'll probably cut myself putting the track together, and it's got an electric transformer, so I'll probably electrocute myself, and, besides, the whole thing will probably break in a week.\" The dad was pretty disappointed that he had failed to cheer up the pessimist, but figured he may still have cured the optimistic boy. \"What about you, son,\" he asked the optimist. \"What did you get?\" \"I got a pony!\" he exclaimed, jumping up and down with excitement. \"Only I haven't found it yet!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A priest and doctor were out golfing. The doctor gets up to take his first shot. He swings and misses the ball completely. \"God dammit, I missed,\" says the doctor. The sky starts to darken a bit becoming overcast. \"Don't use the Lord God's name in vain,\" says the priest. \"I am sorry, Father,\" replies the doctor. The doctor steps up again to tee off and misses the ball once again. \"God dammit, I missed,\" says the doctor. The sky darkens even more and a low rumble resounds throughout the land. \"Don't use the Lord God's name in vain,\" says the priest. \"I am sorry, Father,\" replies the doctor. Once again, the doctor tries to take a swing at the ball and completely misses. He throws his club to the ground and yells, \"God dammit, I missed.\" The heavens roared and the storm erupted, sending a lightning bolt down and straight into the priest, which struck him dead. Then a booming voice arose from the sky and said, \"Dammit, I missed.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three couples -- one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed -- wanted to join a church. The priest said, \"We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.\" The couples all agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, \"Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?\" The old man replied, \"No problem at all, Father.\" \"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!\" said the priest.The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, \"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?\" The middle-aged man replied, \"The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yep, we made it.\" \"Congratulations! Welcome to the church,\" said the priest.The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, \"Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?\" \"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,\" the young man replied sadly.\"What happened?\" inquired the priest.\"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it,\" said the young man. \"When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.\"\"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,\" stated the priest. \"We know,\" said the young man. \"We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One beautiful morning a athiest was walking through the forest, admiring natures surroundings...He looked up and saw the trees swaying in the wind high above him and smiled...He saw the river glisten in the sun twinkle like a new born star and it made him warm inside...He thought to himself that mother nature had made a true and wonderful world...The athiest had walked a little further down the track he had taken when suddenly a bear jumped out of the bushes only a few yards ahead of him and started growling, looking hungry and ran quickly towards him...Seeing the big bear bounding towards him he screamed in horror and started running as fast as he could away from the bear...Knowing that the bear would catch up to him and he had no chance, the athiest soon ran out of breath and in a few paces fell to the ground... As the bears shadow fell upon his face and his paws come down upon his chest, the athiest screamed \"oh help me god\"Suddenly the trees that he so much admired stopped swaying...The river he loved suddenly stopped flowing..And the sky opened up and a voice begun to speak..\"I am god, and even though you dont believe in me, i am here for every being on this earth\"The athiest felt relieved a little bit and asked god...\"Im sort of in this situation, im only asking if you can help me get out of it\"God thought for a moment and said...\"I will give you one wish to help you and that is all, you may proceed with this wish\"The athiest thought about this wish for a moment and then spoke to god..\" Well i dont really want to become a christian, so i wish the bear to become a christian\"God spoke...\"So be it done\"Suddenly the sky closed up...The river turned back into its flowing glory...The trees began to sway again...And the bear clapped his paws together and said...\"Thankyou god for this meal im about to recieve\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three preachers and their wives were killed in a car accident, upon their arrival at the pearly gates, they were met by St. Peter.The first preacher walked up and said\" Hello St. Peter, I'm ready to come in\".St. Peter checked his list and said\" I'm sorry your name is not in the book.\"\"What!\" exclaimed the preacher,\" I have been a preacher for thirty years!\" \"Yes\" replied St. Peter,\"However,you are guilty of glutteny, you loved food and sweets so much you even married a woman named Candy.\"The pastor,defeated took his wifes hand and walked away.The next preacher came up to the St. feeling pretty certain he would be allowed in. \"I'm ready to come in St. Peter\" he said with a smile.\"I'm sorry, your name is not in the book.\" \"HOw can that be?\" asked the preacher, \"I have been a pastor for 20 years!\" You are guilty of the sin of greed, you loved money so much, you married a woman named Penny.\" Defeated, the preacher took his wifes hand and walked away. The last preacher, certain of the out-come, turned to his wife and said, \"Come on Fanny, I'm not gettin' in.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at thelocal church. \"Reverend,\" she said, \"I have a problem, myhusband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's veryembarrassing. What should I do?\"\"I have an idea,\" said the minister. \"Take this hatpin with you.I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I willmotion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him agood poke in the leg.\"In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticingthis, the preacher put his plan to work. \"And who made theultimate sacrifice for you?\" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.\"Jesus!\", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with thehatpin.\"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones,\" said the minister. Soon, Mr.Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. \"Who isyour redeemer?\" he asked the congregation, motioning towardsMrs. Jones.\"God!\" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.\"Right again,\" said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did notnotice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a fewmotions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet herhusband with the hatpin again.The minister asked, \"And what did Eve say to Adam after she borehim his 99th son?\"Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, \"You stick thatgoddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in halfand shove it up your ass!\"\"Amen,\" replied the congregation."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man joining a monestary was told he was to take a vow of silence and was only to be allowed to speak two words every five years.After the first five years had passed he walked into the chambers of the head Monk and said \"Bed Hard\", then turned and walked out. After the next five years passed he returned to the chambers of the head Monk and said \" Food Cold \", then turned and walked out. After the next five years had passd he once again entered the chambers of the head Monk and said \"I Quit\". The head Monk looked at him and replied. \"Well, that doesn't surprise me one bit, you've done nothing but complain since you got here\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "there two boys and they live in a small little town in virginia. These two boys are especially bad and are always in trouble. after the two boys got cought for steeling one day there mothers sent them to talk to the town priest. So the two boys went to talk to the pastor and the pastor asked the smallest child to come in and talk to him. well the pastor asked the young child \"do you believe in god?\" the young boy answered shyly \"yes\" so the pastor said ok \"do you know where god is?\" the young boy had a puzzled look on his face and said \"nope\" so the pastor said again \"do you know where god is?\" the boy looked back and said \"i alreay told you no\" so the pastor asked a last time \"do you know where god is?\" at that time the boy ran out the room and to his older brother. The older brother asked \"whats wrong?\" the young boy answered \"were in big trouble now\" \"oh well were always in trouble whats the big deal?\" the young boy answered \"now God is missing and they thing we've done it.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down.The mechanical engineer said, \"I think a rod broke.\"The chemical engineer said, \"The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's not getting enough gas.\"The electrical engineer said, \"I think there was a spark and something's wrong with the electrical system.\"All three turned to the computer engineer and said, \"What do you think?\"The computer engineer said, \"I think we should all get out and then get back in.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, \"And what starting salary were you looking for?\"The engineer said, \"In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.\" The interviewer said, \"Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?\"The young engineer sat up straight and said, \"Wow! Are you kidding?\"The interviewer replied, \"Yeah, but you started it.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife. She rushed in and said, \"What is it, honey?\"He told her to run and get the bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort. He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left. The wife was curious, so she asked, \"What are you doing, honey?\"\"I'm looking for loopholes!\" he shouted."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers. 'As I'm sure you can understand,' she started off with one of the first applicants, 'in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.' She leaned forward. 'Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?' 'Honest?' replied the job prospect. 'Let me tell you something about honesty. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.' 'Impressive..... And what sort of case was that?' The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, 'He sued me for the money.'"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, \"What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?\"\"I give it to them,\" replied the lawyer, \"and then I send them a bill.\"The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, \"What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?\"\"I give it to them,\" replied the lawyer, \"and then I send them a bill.\"The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving? A: Skeet. Q: What do lawyers use for birth control? A: Their personalities. Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A: A tick falls off of you when you die. Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service. Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A: A Doberman. Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever. Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common? A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being. Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? A: They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on. Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull? A: Lipstick. Q:You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a lawyer. A:You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, \"Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place.\"So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, \"So, how's it going down there in hell?\"Satan replies, \"Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.\"God replies, \"What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.\" Satan says, \"No way.\" I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him.\" God says, \"Send him back up here or I'll sue.\"Satan laughs uproariously and answers, \"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing \"Love\" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, \"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'\"\"But why?\" asks the man.\"I'm a divorce lawyer,\" the man replies."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn’t return to Earth.The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. \"A million dollars,\" he answered, \"because I want to donate it to M.I.T.\"The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. \"I want to give a million to my family,\" he explained, \"and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.\"The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, \"Three million dollars.\"\"Why so much more than the others?\" asked the interviewer.The lawyer replied, \"If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others.By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. \"I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Business\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three construction contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the tour guide asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were construction contractors, the guide said, \"Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?\" So, to the back fence they all went to check it out. First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, \"Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.\" Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, \"Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.\" Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, \"$2,700.\" The guide, incredulous, looked at him and said, \"You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?\" \"Easy,\" he said. \"$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Texas.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.\"I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory,\" he said. \"I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within.\"The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, \"I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000.\" The doctor then said, \"I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000.\"The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, \"Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount…\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! \"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?\" he cried. \"I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!\" \"Well,\" she said, \"when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.\"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!\", he whined.\"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!\" retorted the officer, \"You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!\"\"Oh my gaaad....\", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, \"Where's my Rolex???!!!!!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The top ten things that sound dirty in law (but aren't!)10. Have you looked through her briefs? 9. He is one hard judge! 8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers. 7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute. 6. Is it a penal offense? 5. Better leave the handcuffs on. 4. For $200 an hour, she better be good! 3. Can you get him to drop his suit? 2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't: 1. Think you can get me off?"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Lawyers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A truck driver frequently traveled through a small town where there was a courthouse at the side of the road. Of course, there were always lawyers walking along the road. The truck driver made it a practice to hit any pedestrian lawyers with his truck as he sped by. One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road. Automatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but...then he remembered his passenger. He swerved back to the center, but he heard a \"whump\" and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the field. He turned to the priest and said, \"Father, I'm sure that I missed that lawyer!\" And the priest replied, \"That's OK, my son, I got him with the door.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "\"Daddy,\" a little girl asked her father, \"do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? \"\"No, sweetheart,\" he answered. \"Some begin with 'If I am elected.'\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, \"You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?\" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, \"Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?\" Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. \"You really ARE Einstein!\" he says. \"Welcome to heaven!\" The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, \"Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?\" Saint Peter says, \"Go ahead.\" Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. \"Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!\" he says. \"Come on in!\" Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, \"Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?\" George W. looks bewildered and says, \"Who are Einstein and Picasso?\" Saint Peter sighs and says, \"Come on in, George.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado in Kansas, and off they spin to the Land of OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.\"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?\"Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:\"I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage.\"\"No problem\" says the Wizard, \"WHO IS NEXT?\"Ronald Reagan steps forward, \"Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain.\"\"Done\" says the Wizard.\"Who comes next before the Great Wizard?\"Up steps George Bush sadly, \"I'm told by the American people that Ineed a heart.\"\"I've heard it's true\" says the Wizard. \"Consider it done.\"Then there is a great silence.Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, \"WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY!?\"And Willie replies - \"Is Dorothy around?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal!That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. \"Just think,\" he said, \"when I am President, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!\"Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal. That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, \"Well, I found out who peed in your saxophone.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An Israeli doctor said, \"Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.\" A German doctor said \"That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.\" A Russian doctor said, \"In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.\" The American doctor, not to be outdone, said \"Hah! We are about to take an butthole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two friends are discussing politics on Election Day, each trying to no avail to convince the other to switch sides. Finally, one says to the other: ``Look, it's clear that we are unalterably opposed on every political issue. Our votes will surely cancel out. Why not save ourselves some time and both agree to not vote today?'' The other agrees enthusiastically and they part. Shortly after that, a friend of the first one who had heard the conversation says, ``That was a sporting offer you made.'' ``Not really,`` says the second. ``This is the third time I've done this today``."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.\"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?\"Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:\" I've come for some courage.\"\"NO PROBLEM!\" says the Wizard. \"WHO IS NEXT?\"Ronald Reagan steps forward, \"Well........., I.......I think I need a brain.\"\"DONE\" says the Wizard. \"WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?\"Up stepped George Bush sadly, \"I'm told by the American people that I need a heart.\"\"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!\" says the Wizard. \"CONSIDER IT DONE.\"There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, \"WHAT DO YOU WANT?\"\"Is Dorothy here?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, \"What are all those clocks?\" St. Peter answered, \"Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.\" \"Oh,\" said the man, \"whose clock is that?\" \"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.\" \"Incredible,\" said the man. \"And whose clock is that one?\" St. Peter responded, \"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.\" \"Where's Bush's clock?\" asked the man. \"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person. The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and got out twenty dollars. He kept $15 for administrative fees and gave the homeless person five."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency:\"Our largest condom factory has exploded,\" the Russian President cried. \"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!\"\"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,' replied the President.\"I do need your help,\" said Yeltsin. \"Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?\"\"Why certainly! I'll get right on it,\" said Bush.\"Oh, and one more small favor, please?\" said Putin.\"Yes?\"\"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10' long and 4' in diameter?\" said Putin.\"No problem,\" replied the President and, with that, George Dubya hung up and called the President of condom company. \"I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia.\"\"Consider it done,\" said the President of condom company.\"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10' long and 4' wide.\"\"Easily done. Anything else?\"\"Yeah,\" said the President, \"print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL' on each one."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Attorney General Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school.After the typical civics presentation, he announced, \"All right, boys andgirls, you can ask me questions now.\"A little boy named Bobby raised his hand and said, \"Mr. Ashcroft, I havethree questions. First, how did Bush win the election with fewer votes thanGore? Second, why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans'civil liberties? And third, why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet?\"Just then the bell sounded and all the kids ran out to the playground.After lunch the kids were back in class and Attorney General Ashcroft said,\"I'm sorry we were interrupted by the bell. Now, you can ask me questions.\"A little girl raised her hand and said, \"Mr. Ashcroft, I have fivequestions. First, how did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?Second, why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civilliberties? Third, why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet? Fourth,why did the bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth, where's Bobby?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Here are a few important observations, before the election campaign heats-up:Republican boys always expect to grow up and marry Republican girls and please their parents. But they always date Democratic girls because they think they're entitled to a little fun first. Democrats step on bugs.Republicans call an exterminator. Democrats eat the big fish they catch.Republicans have them mounted. Democrats sit on the dock and fish,Republicans expect to have someone else drive the boat. Democrats make a lot of plans, but don't do much with them.Republicans are still following the plans their grandfathers made."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blonde, and a frightfully awful looking fat lady were in a train carriage. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek. The blonde thought, 'that rascal Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face.' The fat lady thought, 'that dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him.' Bill Clinton thought, 'George put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me.' George Bush thought, 'I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again.'"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One day there were three surgeons who were arguing loudly over who was the best surgeon.\"Oh yeah,\" the first one yells. \"One day there was this guy who came in with all his fingers cut off, I sewed them back onto his hand, and he's playing piano for the queen of England!\"\"Oh, that's nothing,\" shouts the second one. \"One day this guy came in with his arms and legs cut off, I sewed back onto his body, and now he's on the Olympic track and swimming teams!\"\"Oh, that isn't jack compared to what I'VE done,\" bellows the third one. \"One day there was this guy who was riding a horse, on cocaine, got hit by a subway train, and all that was left was the guy's body and the horse's ass, I sewed them together, and now he's the President of The United States!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells, \"Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat on my front porch and he's playing with himself.\" \"What?\" the operator exclaimed. \"I said there is a damn Democrat on my front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please send the police!\" the little old lady repeated. \"Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?\" \"Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing somebody!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. \"Who do you want to play?\" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis. \"I've always been a big fan of Chopin,\" said Bruce. \"I'll play him.\" \"And you, Sylvester?\" asked Spielberg. \"Mozart's the one for me!\" said Sly. \"And what about you?\" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger. \"I'll be Bach,\" said Arnie."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A 10pm curfew was imposed in Baghdad. Everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot. However one citizen was shot at 9.45pm.\"Why did you do that?\" the soldier was asked by his superior officer.\"I know where he lives,\" he replied, \"and he wouldn't have made it.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. \"Isn't it true,\" he bellowed, \"that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?\"The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.\"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?\" the lawyer repeated loudly.The witness still did not respond.Finally, the judge leaned over and said, \"Sir, please answer the question.\"\"Oh,\" the startled witness said, \"I thought he was talking to you.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid said: \"I sure would like to go to Disneyland.\" George said: \"No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One.\" The second kid said: \"I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's.\" George said: \"I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!\". The third kid said: \"I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!\" George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says: \"But you don't look like you are injured.\" The kid says: \"But I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The first ladies of UK, Japan and France were having a meeting with Lady Hilary Clinton. The subject of discussion was the private parts of their respective spouses. The first lady of UK says, \"It is like a gentle man- it stands up, as soon as I enter the room\" The lady from Japan says, \"It is like an army officer- you do not know where he will attack from- front or back..\" The French lady says, \"It is like the screen in the auditorium- once the act is performed, it drops down...\" Then Hilary says, \"It's like a rumor... it moves from one mouth to another...\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes. The Genie said, \"Nope...Due to inflation, constant downswing, low wages in third world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...What'll it be?\" Bill didn't hesitate. He said, \"I want to be remembered for bringing peace to the Middle East, instead of that other stuff with Monica, and Jennifer, and the rest of those women. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other.\" The Genie looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, \"Jeez, Fella! These people have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. Make another wish.\" Bill thought for a minute and said, \"You know, people really don't like my wife. Even though she got elected, they call her a carpetbagger. They think she's mean, ugly, and pushes me around. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want.\" The Genie let out a long sigh and said, \"Lemme see that map again.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, Janet Reno and Bo Derek. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek. (1) Bo Derek thought - \"That sleazeball Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on Janet Reno, who in turn must have slapped his face.\" (2) Janet Reno thought - \"That dirty Bill Clinton laid his hands on Bo Derek and she smacked him.\" (3) Bill Clinton thought - \"George put his hand on Bo Derek and by mistake she slapped me.\" (4) George Bush thought - \"I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A young lady goes to a new doctor for an examination, and he discovers that she has crabs. He thinks to himself ,\"How am I going to her that she has crabs?\"After the exam he tells her to get dressed and meet him back in his office. Once there he proceeds to tell her that she has a very unusual condition. She is quite concerned and asks him what it is. He responds that she is suffering from Nixon's Disease.She says, \"What?\"He again responds, \"Nixon's Disease.\"She says, \"Level with me, Doc, what does it mean?\"He responds, \"Well Miss Jones, to put it very bluntly, you've got bugs in your oval orifice.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working.\"Madam,\" said the sales manager, \"the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!\"She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, \"Nelson.\" The radio responded, \"Ricky or Willie?\" She was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.She was stopped at a traffic light enjoying \"On The Road Again\" when the light turned green and she pulled out. Suddenly an enormous sports utility vehicle coming from the street she was crossing sped toward her, obviously not paying attention to the light. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision.\"Idiot!\" she yelled and, from the radio, \"Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read: Dear God, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, \"You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?\" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, \"Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?\" Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. \"You really ARE Einstein!\" he says. \"Welcome to heaven!\" The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, \"Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?\" Saint Peter says, \"Go ahead.\" Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. \"Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!\" he says. \"Come on in!\" Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, \"Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?\" George W. looks bewildered and says, \"Who are Einstein and Picasso?\" Saint Peter sighs and says, \"Come on in, George.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, \"Take this jar home and nbring me back a sample tomorrow.\" The next day the 75 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: \"Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand. but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands, and her mouth too, but nothing.\" The doctor was stunned. \"You asked your neighbor?\" The old man replied, \"Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the darn jar open!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Hillary Clinton dies and goes to heaven.Standing outside the perly gates ahe ask ST. Peter what all those clocks were for behind him. He says they are lie clocks everyone has one. He says see this one its Abe Lincolns the hands have only moved one time stateing that he only told one lie in his life. And this one is Mother Terasa's it hasnt moved at all showing she didnt tell not one lie. Hillary then ask well wheres Bills clock. To witch St. Peter replies its hanging in Jesus office he is useing it as a celing fan."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A little boy goes to his dad and asks, \"What's politics?\" Dad says, \" Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her he Working Class. Now your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.\" So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him, he finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to is parent's room and finds his mother fast asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to to his father \" I think I understand Politics now.\" The father replies, \"Good son, tell me in your own words what you think it is.\" The boy promptly answers, \"Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep trouble.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Political\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Hillary Clinton went into a pet shop and found a beautiful parrot. \"Does this parrot talk?\" she asked. \"Yes, he does,\" the manager told her. \"But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?\" \"Well, ma'am,\" the manager explained, \"not everyone would want to own this parrot since he spent years in a whore house and his language is somewhat foul.\" \"Well, I want him,\" she said. \"Suit yourself,\" the manager shrugged. When Hillary got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye and said, \"New house, new madam.\" Hillary laughed. Soon, Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird. \"New house, new whores,\" the parrot observed. Hillary explained the bird's history to Chelsea and her friend, so they too, laughed. Later, the President entered the living quarters. The parrot took one look at him and said, \"Hi, Bill!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Yo Mama\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Your momma is so poor when somebody asked her where the bathroom was in her house, she said \"pick a corner.\"Youre momma is so dumb she tried to drown a fishYour momma is so dumb she stole free breadYour momma is so dumb she got locked in a grocery store and starved to deathYour momma is so dumb she took a spoon to the super bowlYour momma is so old Moses is in her yearbookYour momma is so fat her yearbook picture was taken by sateliteYour momma is so dumb when the baseball coach told her to run home with the ball, she literally ran home with the ball"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Yo Mama\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "yo mama so dumb she so dumb that on her way to disney worldshe saw a sign that said disney world left so she turned around and went back home.yo mama so fat she makes godzilla look like an action figure.yo mama's breath stink so bad people look forward to her farts.yo mama so fat when the cops drove by and saw her on the corner they yelledhey you guys break it up.yo mams so fat her belt size is equatoryo mama so fat when her beeper goes off people think shes backing up."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Yo Mama\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The owner of this drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against the wall. The owner asks the clerk, \"What's with that guy over there by the wall\"? The clerk replies, \"Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative\". The owner yells, \"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives\"! The clerk says, \"Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough\"!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "1st Officer: \"Guess who I pulled over in a traffic stop the other day?\" 2nd Officer: \"Who?\" 1st Officer: \"Janet Jackson!\" 2nd Officer: \"What she do, was she speeding?\" 1st Officer: \"Nah, she had one headlight out.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and proudly announced to the first man, \"Congratulations, sir. You're the father of twins!\" \"What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins Baseball team!\" Later the nurse returned and congratulated the second father on the birth of his triplets. \"Wow! That's incredible! I work for the 3M Corporation.\" An hour later, the nurse returned to congratulate the third man on the birth of his quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply, \"I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!\" After this, everyone turned to the fourth guy who had just fainted. The nurse rushed to his side. As he slowly gained consciousness, they could hear him mutter over and over, \"I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job....\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Light Bulbs\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12' DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS #@*$!#@ HOUSE!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces.To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open.Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said: \"Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.\"I have just the thing,\" says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. \"Just place this between your cheek and gum.\" The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, \"And what if I swallow it?\"\"No problem,\" says the barber. \"Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "My wife came home yesterday and said, \"Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is.\" I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor.I thought for a moment, then said, \"You know I don't mean this badly, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator.\"\"No, there's definitely water in the carburetor\" she insisted.\"OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is the car?\"\"In the lake.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem.The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and replied, \"Judge, when I put a dollar in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A kid called up his mum from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it. Mum said, \"Sure, sweetie. Mum will send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?\"\"Uhh, oh yeah, o.k.\" Responded the kid.So Mum wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, \"Well how much did you give the boy this time?Mum said, \"Oh, I wrote 2 checks for him, one for $20, and the other for $1000.\"That's $1020!!!\" yelled Dad, \"Are you crazy???\"\"Don't worry hon,\" Mum said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, \"I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three men languished in Purgatory.After a while, they began talking to one another.Eventually, they got around to the age-old question asked by internees everywhere: \"Whaddya in for?\"The first man sighed, rolled his eyes heavenward and said \"Allah forgive me!I am a Moslem, and I once drank beer with my lunch.\"The second man looked ruefully at his bound hands and said \"May the Master of the Universe be truly merciful!I am a Jew, and I had a ham-and-cheese sandwich for lunch.\"The third guy remained quiet for some time, staring at the floor in abject misery.The other two prompted him gently, and finally resorted to shaking him, shouting \"Come on man!What did you do that was so awful?\"The third guy, choking back a sob, said \"I guess I may as well tell you guys... you've been so honest with me.I'm an Episcopalian and, God help me, I used the wrong fork!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Old Age\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner.His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, \"I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names.\"His buddy hung his head. \"To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.The old farmer said he had buried them.The sheriff asked the old farmer, \"Were they ALL dead?\"The old farmer replied, \"Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Old Age\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, \"Grandpa, did God make you?\" \"He sure did honey, a long time ago,\" replies her grandpa. \"Well, did God make me?\" asks the little girl. \"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago,\" answers her grandpa. \"Boy,\" says the little girl, \"He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?A. A lobotomy.Q. What did the lawyer name his daughter?A. Sue.Q. Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?A. They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.Q. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?A. Lipstick.Q. What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?A. Skeet.Q. It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ...A. It was SO cold ... that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?A. In the city morgue.Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, They cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The world's most widely seen warning label: \"Intel Inside\"Windoze 95/98 Tech Support response: \"It's not a bug, it's a feature.\"Apple: \"We may not do everything right, but at least we knew the century was going to change.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: Why do the Spice Girls work 7 days a week?A: So you don't have to retrain them on Mondays.Q: How do you get a Spice Girl's eyes to twinkle?A: Shine a torch in her ear.Q: What do you call a Spice Girl with two brain cells?A: Pregnant."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Blind Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "One day, this woman went to a bait shop to get her husband a fishing reel for his birthday. After selecting one, she inquired as to its cost. The owner replied, \"I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm blind and cannot see what reel you have. If you drop it on the floor, I'll recognize it and be of more help.\" So she did just that.After hearing it hit the floor, the owner said, \"That's the Johnson Model 9400. It'll be $40.00.\"The woman decided to take it so she went to pick it up off the floor. Upon bending over, she laid a stinky, sqeaky fart.The owner rang up the sale and said, \"That'll be fifty dollars.\" \"Fifty dollars?!?!\" the woman exclaimed. \"You just told me that is was forty dollars a moment ago!\"\"Yes, I did\", said the owner, \"But that was for the reel. The duck call is another $7.50 and the stink bait is $2.50.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Joe, the Governor's most trusted assistant, died in his sleep one night. The Governor had depended on Joe for advice on every subject, from pending bills to wardrobe decisions. In addition, Joe had been his closest friend.So, it was understandable that the Governor didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious office seekers who wanted Joe's job. \"They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried,\" the Governor muttered.At the funeral, one eager beaver made his way to the Governor's side. \"Governor,\" the man said, \"is there a chance that I could take Joe's place?\"\"Certainly,\" the governor replied. \"But you'd better hurry. I think the undertaker is almost finished.\""
}
] |
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