conversations
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[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Business\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A nerdy-looking fellow shuffled timidly into the sales manager's office. \"I don't suppose you want to buy any life insurance?\" he asked hesitantly. \"No, I don't.\" \"That's what I figured. Well, thanks anyway.\" And he turned and made gratefully for the door. \"Hang on a sec, young man,\" the executive called out. \"You know, I've worked with salespeople all my life, and I have to say that was the most pathetic sales pitch I've ever encountered. You have to have confidence, my boy. Shoulders back, look the customer in the eye, believe in yourself! In fact, just to give you a little boost, I'll give you a sale right now. Write me up for that policy after all.\" \"Thank you, sir, ever so much,\" said the salesman gratefully, presenting him with the papers. The sales manager signed with a flourish. \"And now that you're feeling more confident, you should learn some tricks of the trade.\" \"Quite right sir, good idea,\" said the salesman, grinning; \"Always useful. Actually, the one I used just now is for sales managers.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A budding actor: \"Dad guess what? I've got my first part in a , I play the part of a man who has been maried for 25 years.\" Father: \"That's a good start son, just keep at it and one of these days you'll get a speaking part.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An architect, an artist and an Accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress because of the passion and mystery he found there.The Accountant guy said \"I like both.\"\"Both?\" The others asked. The Accountant guy replied \"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "This couple goes to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, & are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: \"A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.\" The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, & comments, \"See! That was more than 5 times a month!\" The second bull is to be sold: \"Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.\" Again the wife bugs her husband, \"Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!\" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison. The third bull is up for sale: \"And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!\" The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, \"That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!\" The husband was pretty irritated by now, & yells back, \"Sure, once a day! But ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A duck walks into a bar and says, \"Got any bread?\" The barman says \"No.\" The duck says,\"Got any bread?\" The barman says \"NO!\" \"Got any bread?\" \"I said N-O, NO!\" \"Got any bread?\" \"For crying out loud - N-O spells NO, and I mean NO!\" \"Got any bread?\" \"NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO\" \"Got any bread?\" \"Look, if you ask me one more f**king time if I have got any bread, I'm going to nail your f**king beak to the f**king bar!\" \"Got any nails?\" \"No\" \"Got any bread?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A Jewish man moved into a strict Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday, the Catholics practically went crazy. While they were eating fish, the Jew was in his backyard barbecuing steaks. So, the Catholics finally decided to try and convert the Jew to Christianity. Finally, by long endurance, the Catholics succeeded. They took the Jew to a priest who sprinkled holy water on him and said, \"Born a Jew, raised a Jew, now a Catholic.\" The Catholics were ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening! But the following Friday, the scent of barbecued steak wafted through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rushed to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They found him standing over the sizzling steak, knife in one hand, his other hand dipped in a glass of water. He sprinkled water over the meat, saying, \"Born a cow, raised a cow, now a fish!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two men are standing before a judge. Both men were arrested on the same day and given the assignment to devise a program to prevent others from committing crimes. After spending two days in jail they were ask to present their ideas to the judge.The first man holds up a poster displaying two circles,one smaller than the other. He points to the small circle and says, \"This is the amount of citizens who do not commit crimes. Then, pointing to the larger circle he explains \"This is the amount that do. I will tell people if they commit crimes they will have to endure an overcrowded jail.\"The second man grabs the poster and pointing to the smaller circle says, \"I'll tell men this is your butt before jail.\"Then he points to the large circle saying.\"This is it after.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three ducks go to heaven.The first duck waddles up to St. Peter and St. peter asks \"What happened, you know, how did you die?\" The duck replies, \"I was just minding my own buisness, floatin' along in the water, i stuck my head under, started blowin' bubbles and a boat ran over my back.\" St. Peter lets him into heaven. The second duck walks up and St peter asks the duck the same question, \"What happened?\" The duck replies, \"Same thing here, i was just minding my ouwn buisness, floatin' in the water, stuck my head under the water, started blowin' bubbles, then a boat runs over my back.\" St. Peter lets him into heaven. The third duck walks up and St. Peter asks, \"Let me guess, a boat ran you over?\" The duck shakes his head and replies, \"Nope, I'm Bubbles\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, \"It's not a ship.\" The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, \"It's not a boat.\" The speck gets even closer and he thinks, \"It's not a raft.\" Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, \"How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?\". \"Ten years!\" he says. She reaches over, unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, \"Man, oh man! Is that good!\" Then she asks, \"How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?\". He replies, \"Ten years!\" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, \"Wow, that's fantastic!\" Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, \"And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?\" And the man replies, \"My God! Don't tell me you've got an internet connection in there!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she spoke about her problem with a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, \"There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal.\" \"That doesn't matter,\" replied the blonde, \"as long as I can sell the car.\" \"Okay,\" said the brunette. \"Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be problem to sell it anymore.\" The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, \"Did you sell your car?\" \"No,\" replied the blonde, \"why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, \"My son is a homebuilder and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free.\" The second man said, \"My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded.\" The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, \"My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio.\" The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, \"We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?\" The fourth man replied, \"Well, my son is gay and dances in a gay bar. I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing good. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the doted line he realised that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, \"Do you notice anything different about me?\" And the gentleman answered, \"Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears.\"Merv got very angry and threw him out.The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, \"Do you notice anything different about me?\" and she replied: \"Well, you have no ears.\"Merv again was upset and tossed her out.The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:\"Do you notice anything different about me?\" And to his surprise, the young man answered: \"Yes. You wear contact lenses.\" Merv was shocked, and said, \"What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?\"The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, \"Well, it's pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no ears!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man goes to his doctor complaining of bad headaches.His doctor says, \"We just got this new machine.You take a urine sample and feed it into the machine, and it tells you everything that is wrong with you.\" Thinking this is pretty amazing, the man gives a sample and the doctor feeds it into the machine.It spits out a piece of paper, which the doctor reads.\"According to this, you have tennis elbow.\" \"But there's nothing wrong with my elbow,\" the man replies. \"It's my head\". The doctor gives him a specimen cup and tells him to bring in a new sample the next day, and they will try again. When he gets home, the man is angry and thinks to himself, \"I'll show that doctor.\" So he takes the dipstick from his car and puts some oil in the cup.When his wife and daughter get home, he has each of them urinate in the cup, then he finishes by The next day he goes back to the doctor and hands him the specimen.The doctor feeds it into the machine, then reads the printout. \"Well, what does it say?\", the man asks,laughing. \"According to this,\"the doctor replies,\"your car needs an oil change, your wife has crabs, your daughter is pregnant, and your tennis elbow won't get better if you keep"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Business\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, \"Your first job will be to sweep out the store.\"\"But I'm a college graduate,\" the young man replied indignantly.\"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that,\" said the manager. \"Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A wife was complaining to her husband, about how less fortunate she was with her breast size. She wanted bigger boobs. Her husband simply replied: \"Rub some toliet paper on your chest, it worked with your butt\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Marriage\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A married man had a sweet young thing of a secretary and decided to take her to dinner. He called his wife to tell her that he had to 'work late' and she said, 'no problem.' After dinner they went back to her apartment and had mad sex for hours. On the way home he noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He fell into a state of panic. What was he going to tell his wife? He walked in the door and was greeted by his excited and happy dog. Ispired, he fell to the floor and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog. Holding his neck with one hand he walked into the living room and exclaimed,' Honey! Look at what the dog did to my neck!'His wife jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said, 'That's nothing, look at what he did to my breasts!'"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He said, \"Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my trousers and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here - try these on.' So, she did, and said, 'These are too big,I can't wear them.'So I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the trousers in this family, and I always will.'Ever since that night, we have never had any problems.\" \"Hmmm,\" said Jack. He thought that might be a good thing to try, so on his honeymoon, Jack took off his trousers and said to Jill, \"Here, try these on.\" So she did and said, \"These are too large, they don't fit me.\" So Jack said,\"Exactly. I wear the trousers in this family, and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that.\" Then Jill took off her knickers and handed them to Jack and said, \"Here, you try on mine. \"So he did, and said, \"I can't get into your pants.\" So Jill said, \"Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was this couple who always had sex for twenty years with the light off. So one night the wife says lets have sex with the light on. The husband says \"tomorrow night honey\". That night the wife turns the light on and sees her husband using a cucumber to pleasure her. she screams \"You've been using that thing for twenty years, explain it to me.\" So the husband says \"I will as soon as you explain how we have 4 children!!!!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "This young boy was playing with a dew worm in the yard.His grandfather watching on the porch, yells out to his grandson:\"I'll give you $5 if you can shove that worm back into the hole\".The boy grabs the slimy, slinky worm and tries to shove it in the hole. After about 5 minutes, the boy runs inside to get a can of hair spray. The young boy sprays the worm stiff, and sticks it in the hole without a problem.The grandfather, amazed, gives the boy a clean crisp 5 dollar bill.The next day, the grandfather goes over to the grandson and hands him another 5 dollar bill, to which the boy enquires \"What's this 5 dollar bill for\"?The grandfather replies, \"Your grandma though it was a pretty good trick too!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. \"Hello?\" says the little girl's voice. \"Hi, honey, it's Daddy,\" says John. \"Is Mommy near the phone?\" \"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred.\" After a brief pause, John says, \"But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!\" \"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!\" \"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house.\" \"Okay, Daddy!\" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. \"Well, I did what you said, Daddy.\" \"And what happened?\" \"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead.\" \"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?\" \"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too.\" There is a long pause................ \"Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?”"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend \" My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.\"The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. He said \" Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat. The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food. \"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown.\" The man goes about his business and about a week later the Doctor runs into his patient. \"Well, how is that duck of yours?\" the Doctor inquires. \"He's dead.\" declared the heartbroken man. \"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?\" insisted the Doctor. \"No.\" lamented the man. \"I think he was dead before I took him out of the vice.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There were three women speeding dowm a country road. One was a brunette, another a redhead, and the third a blonde. A cop saw them speeding and put on his siren. The three girls pulled over, got out of the car and each climbed up a different tree to hide.The cop pulled over and tried to find them. He came to the tree where the brunette was and shook it. The brunette said \"CAW! CAW!\" \"Oh it must be a crow.\" he thought.Next he came to the tree where the redhead was hiding.\"Tweet tweet!\" she said. \"Oh it must be a sparrow\" he thought.Then he came to the tree where the blonde was hiding.The cop shook the tree and the response was \"Moooo!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, \"I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it\" A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, \"Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!\" The young man waited a moment and replied, \"You know dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.\" His father replied, \"Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Walking his blonde date to the front door, Keith said to her, \"Will I see you pretty soon?\"\"What's the matter,\" she asked, hurt. \"Don't you think I'm pretty now?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A burglar entered the house of a Quaker and proceeded to rob it. The Quaker heard the noise, took his shotgun downstairs, and pointed the gun at the burglar. He then said gently, \"Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am about to shoot. \""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A blowhard Air Force major was promoted to colonel and received a brand-new office. His first morning behind the desk, an airman knocked on the door and asked to speak to him. After telling him to come in, the colonel felt an urge to impress the young airman, so he picked up his phone and said, \"Yes, General, I'll get that to the President immediately. Goodbye, sir. \"Then, turning to the airman, he barked, \"Now what do you want?\"\"Nothing important,\" the airman said, \"I just came to install the telephone. \""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Flight attendant: I'm sorry to inform you, Mr. Jones, but we accidentaly left your wife back in Chicago. Man: Thank goodness!I thought I was going deaf!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. \"In English,\" he said, \"A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative. \"A voice from the back of the room piped up, \"Yeah, right. \""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": ">A tech support employee once received a call from a disgruntled lady who had purchase one of their PCs. \"The cup holder on my computer broke!I just got some coffee and put it in the cup holder and then it broke, and the coffee spilled all over me! I want a replacement!\"The employee was a little confused and didn't know what to say. He finally asked her to describe the cup holder to him. . . he'd never heard of his company selling in-computer cup holders. So the lady went on to describe the cup holder to him. \"Well, it pops out of the little box when I push a button, and it has 40x written on it. . . \""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A blonde girl just stepped into the bathtub when the doorbell rang. \"Who is it?\"\"Blind man,\" came the response. Feeling charitable, the blonde dashed from the tub without bothering to put on any clothes, grabbed her purse, and opened the door. The man's jaw dropped and he stammered, \"Wh-where do you want me to put these blinds, lady?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Professor: If there are any idiots in the classroom, please stand up. There was a long pause, then a lone freshman stood up in the back. Professor: So you consider yourself an idiot?Freshman: Well, not exactly. I just hated seeing you being the only one standing."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There once was a very happy truck driver that was eating in a diner at night. Three motorcyclists came and and proceeded to pick on the truck driver by pouring pepper and salt all over him, spitting in his coffee, and stealing his food. The truck driver didn't do anything, just stood up, paid his check, and left the diner. \"That truck driver sure ain't much of a fighter,\" said one of the cyclists. The girl behind the counter, peering out into the night, added, \"He doesn't seem like much of a driver either. He just ran his truck right over three motorcycles. \""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Newsboy: Extra, extra!Read all about it-two men swindled. Man:Give me one. Say, there isn't anything about two men being swindled. Newsoy: Extra, extra!Three men swindled."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client with a note that said, \"This bill is one year old. \"By return mail, the lawyer received the bill back with a note attached to it, saying: \"Happy Birthday. \""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?Patient: Give me the bad news first. Doctor: Well, we accidentally amputated the wrong leg. Patient: What's the good news?Doctor: It turns out that your other leg didn't need to be amputated at all."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A blonde wearing a brown wig walks in a store and says to an employee \"I'd like to buy that TV\". The employee replies \"Sorry, I don't sell TV's to blondes\", and the blonde leaves the store. The next day, the same blonde walks in wearing a red wig. She says \"I wish to buy that TV\", to which the employee replies again \"Sorry, I don't sell TV's to blondes\". The blonde leaves the store. . . The next day, the same blonde walks in the store, with her hair dyed in black. She says \"I would like to buy that TV\". The employee replies again \"Sorry, I don't sell TV's to blondes\". The blonde is totally confused and asks the man, \"I'm sorry, but I've worn a red and brown wig, and now I dyed my hair black, how did you know I am a blonde?\". \"Well\", says the man, \"that's not a TV, it's a microwave. \""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A woman went to her psychiatrist and said, \"Doctor, I want to talk to you about my husband. He thinks he's a refrigerator. \" \"That's not so bad,\" said the doctor. \"It's a rather harmless complex. \" \"Well, maybe,\" replied the lady. \"But he sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake along with the chillness. \""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A young couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation soon came to Mozart, \"Absolutely brilliant
lovely
oh, a fine fellow
a genius, Mozart was. \"The woman, wanting to get in on the conversation remarked, \"Ah, Mozart. You're so right. It was just this morning that I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to South Padre Island. \"There was a sudden hush and all eyes were turned toward her. The husband pulled her aside and angrily barked, \"We're leaving right now. \"In the car on the way home the wife turned to the husband and said, \"You're really mad about something aren't you?\"\"How could you tell? My goodness! I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to South Padre Island, huh? Everybody knows that the No. 5 Bus doesn't go to South Padre Island!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Just before a new redneck had his first parachute jump, his sergeant reminded him, \"Count to ten, then pull the first rip cord. If it snarls, pull the second rip cord for your auxiliary chute. After you land, our truck will pick you up. \"The paratrooper took a deep breath and jumped. He counted to ten and pulled the first cord. Nothing happened. He pulled the second cord. Again, nothing happened. As he plummeted to the ground, he said to himself, \"I'll bet that truck won't be there either!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. \"Sid,\" asked Al, \"Are there any Jews in China?\" \"I don't know,\" Sid replied. \"Why don't we ask the waiter?\" When the waiter came by, Al asked him, \"Are there any Chinese Jews?\" \"I don't know sir, let me ask,\" the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, \"No, sir. No Chinese Jews. \"\"Are you sure?\" Al asked. \"I will check again, sir. \" the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, \"I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere. \" When the waiter returned he said, \"Sir, no Chinese Jews. \"\"Are you really sure?\" Al asked again. \"I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews. \"\"Sir, I ask everyone,\" the waiter replied exasperated. \"We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Idiots\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two rednecks had just gone fishing and brought in the largest amount of fish they had ever seen. One said to the other, \"Did you mark the place where the fishing was so good?\"\"Yes, I put an X on the side of the boat. \"\"You idiot. That if we were gonna take a different boat next time?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten legs on them. Each bird had a sack over its head; only the legs were showing. He sat straight in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus and species. The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got. Finally he could stand it no longer. He went up to the professor's desk and said, \"What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?\" With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door. The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name so as the student reached the door the professor called, \"Mister, what's your name?\" The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said, \"You tell me buddy! You tell me!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A village blacksmith working at his open forge hammering a white-hot horeshoe had just finished the shoe and thrown it on the ground to cool. A real wanna-be redneck walked in at just that moment. He picked up the horseshoe and fumbled with it while howling in pain. He then dropped it and tried to regain his composure. \"Pretty hot, eh?\" asked the blacksmith with a chuckle. \"Naw,\" said the redneck. \"It just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe. \""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A little boy walked in on his mom and dad having sex and the mom was jumpin all over the dad.So the next day the little boy asks his mom what she was doing. She replies with \"Honey, I was jumping because Daddy is fat and needs to lose weight.\"The little boy said \"But Mommy, that won't work because every morning the lady next door comes over and blows him back up!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. The first one said, \"I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside them is numbered.\" \"I think librarians are the easiest,\" said the second. \"When you open them up, all their organs are arranged alphabetically.\" The third surgeon said, \"I prefer to operate on electricians. Their organs are color-coded.\" \"You're all wrong,\" said, the fourth. \"Lawyers are easiest. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and asses are interchangeable.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, \"What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.\" The teacher answered quickly, \"That would be the Titanic.\" St.Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: \"How many people died on the ship?\" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie, and answered, \"1,228.\" \"That's right!\" St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. \"Name them.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Morris walks into Dr. Cohen's office and puts a note on the table in front of the Doctor. The note says, \"I can't talk, please help me!\" The doctor thinks for a while and says to Morris, \"Put your member on the table here.\" Morris thinks this is a bit weird, but Cohen is a specialist, so does as he says. The doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits Morris' member with it as hard as he can. The man cries in great agony, \"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!\" Then the doctor says, \"Good, come again tomorrow and we'll learn B!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their \"freedom.\" As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates. The rabbi replied, \"I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, its my"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An American and North Korean are bragging about their countries.The American says \"In my country, our technology is so good that we know who will win an election two hours before the polls close!\"The North Korean doesn't blink and says \"Well in my country we know who will win two years before the polls close.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results. \"I'm afraid I have some very bad news,\" the doctor says. \"You're dying, and you don't have much time left.\" \"Oh, that's terrible!\" says the man. \"How long have I got?\" \"Ten,\" the doctor says sadly. \"Ten?\" the man asks. \"Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!\" \"Nine...\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A cowboy is riding across the plains of the old west, when he is captured by Indians. The tribe puts him on trial for crimes against the Indian Nation, and he is found guilty. \"You have been sentenced to death,\" said the Chief, \"but, as is our custom, you have three wishes to make as your last requests.\" The cowboy thought for a minute and said, \"Well, for my first wish, I'll need my horse.\" \"Give him his horse,\" said the Chief. The cowboy whispered something into the horse's ear, and the horse took off like a shot across the prairie. Twenty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful blonde woman on its back. The cowboy looked at this, shrugged his shoulders, and helped the young lady off the horse. He then took her into the woods and had his way with her. \"Second wish,\" said the Chief. \"I'll need my horse again,\" said the cowboy. \"Give him his horse,\" said the Chief. Once again, the cowboy whispered into the horse's ear, and once again the horse rode off over the prairie. Thirty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful brunette on its back. The cowboy looked up and shrugged, helped the young lady off the horse, and went into the woods, same reason as before. \"This is your last wish,\" said the Chief, \"make it a good one.\" \"I'll need my horse again.\" \"Give him his horse,\" said the Chief. The cowboy grabbed each side of the horse's head, and put his face right up to the horse's. \"You stupid horse, I said POSSE!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying.But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man.When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.After awhile he turned to her and asked \"You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?\"The lady replied \"Of course I do.It is the Bible.\"He said \"Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?She replied \"Oh, Jonah.Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.He asked \"Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?\"The lady said \"Well I don't really know.I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him.\"\"What if he isn't in heaven?\" the man asked sarcastically.\"Then you can ask him.\"replied the lady."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "You may be a redneck if:Your porch collapses and more than six dogs dieYou mow your lawn and find a carYou consider a family reunion as a chance to meet \"Ms. Right\"You grab your boots a jacket and a flashlight to go to the bathroomYour idea of \"safe sex\" is locking the car door"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The Seven Dwarfs Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says,\"Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!\" Everyone gets all excited and chants, \"We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him.\" The next day, they're all standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six.All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, \"Go ahead,Dopey, ask him, ask him!\" The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, \"Do you have a question to ask me, young man?\"Dopey looks up shyly and says, \"Well, yes.\" The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask. Dopey asks, \"Well, do....do they have nuns in Alaska?\"The Pope replies, \"Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska.\"The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, \"Askhim the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!\" The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, \"Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?\"To which the Pope replies, \"Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes.\"Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, \"Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!\" The Pope asks Dopey, \"Is there still more to your question?\"To which Dopey replies, \"Well, uh, yeah.....are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?\"The startled Pope replies, \"Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska.\"At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, \"Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Children\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner \"Mom & Pop\" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. \"Oh, no laundry,\" the boy said, \"I'm going to wash my dog.\" \"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.\"But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.\"Oh, he died,\" the boy said.The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, \"I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.\" \"Well,\" the boy replied, \"I don't think it was the detergent that killed him.\"\"Oh? What was it then?\"\"I think it was the spin cycle!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "In the days of old sailing ships the captain of the Seahawk went out on deck to get some fresh air, when from above a cry came down from the crow's nest: \"Enemy ship off the port bow!\" The captain said to the ensign standing next to him, \"Get me my red shirt. \" A battle ensued and the Seahawk prevailed. Two weeks later the captain was again on deck when another cry came from the crow's nest, \"Two enemy ships off the starboard bow!\" The captain again says to the ensign, \"Get me my red shirt. \" After the battle was won the ensign asked the captain why he tells him to get his red shirt. The captain said that if he is wounded and the blood begins to flow the crew will not see that he was injured and keep on fighting. The crew overheard this and was proud to have such a brave captain leading them. A week later another cry came from the crow's nest, \"TEN enemy ships approaching!\" The captain said to his ensign, \"Get me my brown pants!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. \"But officer,\" the man began, \"I can explain.\" \"Just be quiet,\" snapped the officer. \"I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.\" \"But, officer, I just wanted to say,\" \"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!\" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, \"Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.\" \"Don't count on it,\" answered the fellow in the cell. \"I'm the groom.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Q: How are lawyers like nuclear weapons?A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Computer Terms 486 - The average IQ needed to understand a PC. State-of-the-art - Any computer you can't afford. Obsolete - Any computer you own. Microsecond - The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete. G3 - Apple's new Macs that make you say \"Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.\" Syntax Error - Walking into a computer store and saying, \"Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.\" Hard Drive - The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error. GUI - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced \"gooey\") Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors. Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate. Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer. Portable Computer - A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips. Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline. Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS. System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your software."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, \"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?\" The third fellow says \"I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.\" The first two guys were amazed. \"What happened then?\" they asked. \"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man'.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went to the Pearly Gates together. \"Oh, this is terrible,\" exclaims St. Peter, \"I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. St. Peter was fretting, \"Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in just yet and we can't send you back.\" Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, \"Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. I'll owe you one.\" Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. Two days later... \"Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope guy is forgiving everybody, the Graham fellow is saving everybody, and Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. 'So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?' The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, 'Ehhhh .. 22!' The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. 'And can you tell us your height, please?' The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, 'Five foot two!' This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. 'And uhh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?' The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, 'Mandy!' The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, 'Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?' 'Ohh that!', replies the blonde, 'That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....''"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Animals\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man takes his dog to the Vet and says, \"Doctor, I think my dog is dead.\" The Vet told him to put the dog on the table and then left the room. Soon he came back with a cat. The cat sniffed the dogs ears, his nose and then walked all over him. The Vet said \"Yep, your dog is dead. That will be $500 and 35 dollars.\" The man said, \"$500 and 35 dollars! What for?\" The Vet said, \"$35 for the office visit and $500 for the cat scan.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "\"Mr. Clark, I'm afraid I have bad news,\" the doctor told his anxious patient. \"You only have six months to live.\" The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. \"I can't possibly pay you in that time.\" \"Okay,\" the doctor said, \"let's make it nine months.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The Post Office briefly considered issuing stamps with Bill and Hillary's faces on them. However, test marketing verified that the customers would spit on the wrong side of the stamps."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A car breaks down along the expressway one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the highway. He jumps out of the car, opens the trunk, and pulls out two men in trench coats.The men stand behind the car, open up their coats and start exposing themselves to the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the worst pile-ups in history. When questioned by police why he put two deviates along the side of the road, the man replied, \"I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. \"What is it?\" yells the President. \"It's this abortion bill, Mr. President. What do you want to do about it?\" the aide asks. \"Just go ahead and pay it.\" responds the President."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients. However, a little voice in his head said \"Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so its not like you're the first...\". This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, \"... but they probably weren't veterinarians\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, \"I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners.\" The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, \"So, what's the catch?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Money\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Businessman's DepressionA businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody - it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe. When he had finished, the priest said, \"Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do.\" A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice. The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious. \"You did as I suggested?\" he asked. \"Absolutely,\" replied the businessman. \"You went to the beach?\" \"Absolutely.\" \"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible on your lap?\" \"Absolutely.\" \"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?\" \"Absolutely.\" \"And what were the first words you saw?\" \"Chapter 11.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, \"...and you're not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, \"Why'd you do that? The trooper says, \"You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready.\" Driver says, \"I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here.\" The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick. The passenger says, \"What'd you do that for?\" The cop says, \"Just making your wishes come true.\" The passenger says, \"Huh?\" The cop says, \"I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that with me!'\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Computers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says:\"The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars\".\"Why does the parrot cost so much?\" the customer asks.The owner says, \"Well, it knows how to use a computer.\"The customer asks about the next parrot and is told \"That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.\"Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot and is told \"That one costs 2,000 dollars.\"Needless to say this begs the question \"What can IT do?\"To which the owner replies \"To be honest I've never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, \"I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference.\"The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, \"Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch.\" The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, \"Bartender, I don't want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!\"Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, \"Ah, now that's the real thing.\" A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, \"Hey, I think that's really far out what you can do. Try this one.\"The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, \"Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!\" The drunk's eyes light up and he says, \"Yeah, now how old am I?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Military\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as \"Area 51?\" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their \"secret\" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying \"you-did-not-see-a-base\" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, \"Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over. The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, \"Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?\" \"Ever go fishing?\" the policeman suddenly asked the man. \"Ummm, yeah...\" the startled man replied. The officer grinned and added, \"Ever catch *all* the fish?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, \"Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!\"The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says, \"Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast.\"The cowboy replies, \"Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have.\"The bartender says, \"Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?\"\"About fifty cents!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Three blondes were stuck on an island. then, a magic fairy appeared and gave them each a wish. The first one asked to be really smart, so the fairy turned her into a red head and she swam off the island. The second blonde asked to be even smarter, so the fairy turned her into a brunette and she built a boat and sailed off the island. The third blonde asked to be smartest of them all, so the fairy turned her into a man and he walked across the bridge."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "His And Hers ATMs HIS: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Insert card 3. PIN number and account 4. Take cash, card and receipt HER: 1. Pull up to ATM 2. Check makeup in rearview mirror 3. Shut off engine 4. Put keys in purse 5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine 6. Hunt for card in purse 7. Insert card 8. Hunt in purse for tampon wrapper with PIN number written on it.9. PIN number 10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes. 11. Hit \"cancel\" 12. Re- correct PIN number 13. Check balance 14. Look for envelope 15. Look in purse for pen 16. Make out deposit slip 17. Endorse checks 18. Make deposit 19. Study instructions 20. Make cash withdrawal 21. Get in car 22. Check makeup 23. Look for keys 24. Start car 25. Check makeup 26. Start pulling away 27. STOP 28. Back up to machine 29. Get out of car 30. Take card and receipt 31. Get back in car 32. Put card in wallet 33. Put receipt in checkbook 34. deposits and withdrawals in checkbook 35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook 36. Check makeup 37. Put car in reverse gear38. Put car in drive 39. Drive away from machine 40. Travel 3 miles 41. Release parking brake"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was once a young lawyer, age 29, who was on his way to work when he was hit by a bus. He goes to heaven and meet's St. Peter and pleads, \"I am much to young to die, there must be a mistake!\". St. Peter thinks about this for a moment and goes out the back to consult with God. Ten minutes later he returns saying, \"There's no mistake, according to the hours you have billed your clients, you are 176 years old\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Sex\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, \"How's your sex life, buddy?\" The other guy answers, \"Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses interest half-way through. It's very frustrating. \" The first guy says, \"Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago!\" The other guy says, \"Hmmmm... I think I'll try that.\" The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, \"How did you get on with the starter pistol?\" The other guy says, \"Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the bloody starter pistol, just like you said.\" The first guy says, \" So??? What happened?\" The other guy says, \"She bit my whang, pooped on my face, and a naked man came out of the closet with his hands up! \""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Police Jokes\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. \"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!\", he whined. \"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!\" retorted the officer. \"You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!\" \"Oh my gaaaad...\", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. \"Where's my Rolex???!!!!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Holidays\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Top Ten Reasons Hurricane Season is Like Christmas 10. Up on a ladder in bad weather; either decorating the house or boarding up windows. 9. You drag out boxes of supplies you haven't used since last season. 8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores. 7. Favorite TV shows pre-empted for 'specials'. 6. Family comes to stay with you. 5. Long distance calls from friends you don't usually hear from. 4. Buying food you don't normally buy - and in large quantities. 3. Days off from work. 2. Candles are your light of choice. And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas... 1. At some point you wind up with a tree in your house!"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: \"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.\" \"Well put,\" the judge replied. \"Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.\" The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "The man was in a hurry to board the airplane and didn't have time to do the paperwork to get his little doggie on board. So the man stashed the puppy down the front of his pants and sneaked him on the plane. About 30 minutes into the flight, a stewardess noticed that the man was squirming in his seat. \"Are you OK, mister?\" the stewardess asked.\"Yes, I'm fine,\" said the man. Time went by and again the stewardess noticed strange movements. \"Are you sure you're all right, sir?\"\"Yes,\" the man insisted, \"but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to do the paperwork to bring my puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants.\"\"I see,\" the stewardess said. \"Well, as long as he's housebroken, I guess it will be OK.\"\"Oh, he's housebroken,\" the man replied. \"The problem is, he's not weaned yet!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, \"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!\" \"What do you mean? I'm fine.\" \"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before.\" \"Well,\" said the pirate, \"We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really.\" \"Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands.\" \"We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really.\" \"Oh,\" said the bartender, \"what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes.\" \"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye.\" \"You're kidding,\" said the bartender, \"you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!\" \"Well, I really wasn't used to the hook yet.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "\"Do you believe in life after death?\" the boss asked one of his employees. \"Yes, sir,\" the clerk replied.\"That's good,\" the boss said. \"After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, \"Just what the hell you are doing?\" \"Well,\" said the guy, \"you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!\" \"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!\" the guy replied. \"I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "It had snowed in Washington DC and Hillary had just arrived home and was walking into the White House when she noticed that someone had pissed in the snow, \"I love you Hillary\". Outraged she asked a secret service agent to find who had done this disgusting act. A while later the agent came back and Hillary asked if he had found the culprit. The agent said, \"I have good news and bad news. The good news is that the piss is Bills but the bad news is that the hand writing is Monica Lewinsky's.\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, \"I bet you don't know what day this is.\" \"Of course I do,\" he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived . Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. \"First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!\" she exclaimed. \"I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back to his wife, Jean. Unfortunately, he mistyped a letter and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: \"Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A beautiful, well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first class cabin on a cross-country flight, and settles herself in for the trip, smiling prettily at admiring passengers seated around her.Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says, 'Miss, I'm sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you're seated in first class I'm afraid you'll have to move.' The blonde replies, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model.' Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant. The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely, 'I'm sorry, Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you'll have to move back.' The blonde replies, sweetly, 'I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model' -- and shows no signs of moving. Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says he'll deal with the problem. He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and observes the blonde seated comfortably in first class. Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into the blonde's ear. Almost immediately, the blonde gathers her things, gets up, and moves quickly to the coach compartment. Amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain, 'Captain, I'm impressed ... what did you say to her?' The captain grinned slyly and said, 'I just told her that the first class cabin doesn't go to New York.'"
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, \"I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.\" \"That's quite a coincidence,\" said the engineer. \"I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.\" The lawyer looked somewhat confused. \"How do you start a flood?\" he asked."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, \"Would you like to dance?\" The girl says, \"I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you.\" The guy says, \"I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Farmers\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country. The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, \"Mmmmm, I smell sausage. The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said \"Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes.\" The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, \"The only thing I can smell is molasses.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Religious\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wit's end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, \"Sure, do that before I kill them!\" The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest. The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, \"Where is God?\" The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing. Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked \"Where is God?\" Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to boy's nose, and asked, \"Where is God? The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, \"We are in BIIIIG trouble.\" The older boy asked, \"What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?\" his brother replied, \"God is missing and they think we did it.\""
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Family, Parents\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "Top Ten Reasons Why The Computer Industry Is Finally Opening Up To Women 1. It's easier for a woman to \"turn on\" a computer2. Women don't have motherboard fixations.3. Women are much better at FDISK-ing a hard drive4. When lost on the Internet, women are willing to ask for directions.5. Women can communicate gossip and rumors quicker than the fastest modem.6. Only women (I think) can marry Bill Gates.7. Women see a 14 inch monitor they think it's a 14 incher and not a 20.8. Women have bigger SMART drives.9. Women don't think with their joysticks.10. Women actually read installation manuals."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Heaven and Hell\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was sent to hell. The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error. The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-byes as he went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down. They stopped to chat. \"Sorry about the mix up\" says the Pope. \"No problem,\" replies Clinton. \"Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven.\" Clinton asks, \"Why's that?\" \"Well, I've always wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.\"President Clinton replies, \"you're a day late\"."
}
] |
[
{
"from": "system",
"value": "You are a joke writer"
},
{
"from": "human",
"value": "Write a \"Miscellaneous\" joke"
},
{
"from": "gpt",
"value": "There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead stranded on an island. The nearest land was about 20 miles away. Well, they're all getting sick of one another, and the brunette decides to swim the 20 miles to land. So she swims, and swims, and swims, gets about 10 miles, about half way, and she is exhausted. So she puts up her arms...and drowns. The redhead is thinking, \"She must have made it!\" So she swims, and swims, and swims, gets about 10 miles, about half way, and she is exhausted. So she puts up her arms...and drowns. The blonde is left on the island thinking, \"They must have made it!\" So she swims, and swims, and swims, and gets 19 miles! She can see the beaches and the tall buildings, but she is exhausted! So she puts up her arms... and swims back to the island. :-)"
}
] |
Subsets and Splits