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b | Barb Sanders | 0218 | 1960-1997 | 1980-12-31 | F | YA | I had some company and they left. I was tired and wanted to sleep. I could sleep sitting up in the van, passenger side, or sleep on the bench seat in the back. Both ways I'd be uncomfortable and cold, so I went to Thea's house and slept in a bed there. They weren't home. I woke up the next day and was getting ready to leave. I came out of the bedroom and found Thea and someone else there. She lectured me about taking advantage of her, using her house without permission, and she asked me if I had used anything else. I was quite annoyed with her. I wanted to leave. It didn't seem polite to leave in the middle of her lecture. She was angry. So was I. I felt guilty and caught but I also felt justified and annoyed. I wished I had chosen to sleep in my cold van. Then, I just decided to leave. I said, "Bye." She was miffed. I was then in a library, borrowing books. The female that was with Thea was also borrowing books. She was jealous of something. I talked to my brother Dwight. [BL] | 1FKA, 1ISA, 1ISA, 1MKA | AN D, AN 1MKA, AP D, AN 1MKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0219 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-02 | F | YA | I am being challenged, by myself really. Someone has made a comment that they can do something, play crosses and foxes and I wonder if I can do it as well or better. I am encouraged by cousin Terence/Dwight to try. I have a self-defeating negative outlook. "No, I can't do that," but my interest is piqued, so I go upstairs to try. I see a board on the wall. A man gives me a chalk and explains the rules. I can't make a mark where something is crossed and he points out 2 places. Some people come by and irrelevantly chat with me. I yak back. I am partly sure I can do this and partly sure I can't. They (the crowd) are annoying as they distract me. I close them out of my mind and the timing starts. I look at the marking on the board for what seems a long time (see drawing in dream book). The crowd gets tense because I'm wasting valuable time but I know that I'm looking at the whole picture to do better. Then as I've seen all I need, I say, "Aha!," and start making X's and O's. The crowd goes, "Ooh!," because every move is right. There is excitement and tenseness. Near the bottom, there are squiggly lines where I'm not supposed to mark but I see 2 places that were difficult and no one else noticed and mark. This time I draw an outline of a rabbit for my X. Times up. I get 7. That ties me with my cousin Terence/Dwight. He's good. The man who is really good says, "Hum, she's got more white light than me even," and is impressed. I am aware that I'm talking despairingly of my talents. I am an observer and I don't like her eyes. They are too large and cow-like. I say to her/me, "Don't talk negatively and put yourself down. You're good," (It was like a challenge in a pool game). Counseling or working with people had something to do with it. | 1ISA, 1MSA, 2JSA | AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0220 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-02 | F | YA | I was in prison. My "man" and I were cell mates. My "husband" was also in prison. I think we were there because of what he did. I had done a needlepoint thing that was thick and looked like sheepskin. We were trying to figure out how to block it. A man (my husband) said, "Why not wrap it around your body and go take a steam bath." I looked at him and said, "What a good idea." I wrapped it around me and wrapped a towel around it to cover it. I walked down the hall to the public bathroom. At first, I couldn't find the steam bath, just the toilet stalls. Then I saw 2. A large woman got to it first. I was agitated because I didn't want to get caught. I saw a sign-up sheet, so I signed my name, "Barb Sanders." The pencil was on a string and almost didn't reach and the writing was crooked, slanted uphill. Just as I finished writing my name, the woman got out of that steam bath and I got in. Then I got scared. It was metal with a shower-like nozzle near my face. I was afraid I'd hurt myself and the steam would be too hot and burn me, so I carefully read the instructions. I was just about to turn it on when the door opened and a woman came in with 2 men (plain-clothed cops). I felt like I'd been caught. I had been wondering how to get back to my cell because the towel would be wet too but I had to keep the sheepskin covered. They started to question me. One said, "Well, Gretchen" and I got indignant. "I'm not Gretchen." I played out my limp and sat down, explaining I had R.A. I knew I was faking it. It worked, and they left. I then went back to my room/cell. It was damp from the steam bath. It was time to escape/leave. I did so. Then, I was rich, dressed in a suit and high heels, golden earrings with jewels on my ankles. I was looking down busy city streets. I go to a store where Thea and Jared work. I bought a pin the shape of a bird or turtle that I knew Jared loved. I decided not to give anything to Thea. I then walked on down the street to another shop where Jared was working. I gave him the pin. He was overcome by my kindness. He hugged me a lot. I felt his pot belly and his flaccid penis. I started to feel like it was time to move on. I walked, and then I noticed I was in a bad neighborhood. I felt a little nervous. I was walking toward a busy street where I could get a bus or a taxi. A man walked up to me and started to harass me. He was going to rape me. I got angry. At first, I warned him to leave me alone. He grabbed me and in one swift and powerful kick to his groin, I got him. He fell to the ground, groaning. I kept on walking. I walked past a newsstand. A couple of leather jacket types started to verbally harass me. I told them to watch out, because I'd protected myself before and I'd do it again. A 3rd man said, "Ya, she's right. Leave her alone." I walked on. I went into a cafe to call a taxi. I think I was crying. A taxi driver there said "Hey, where do you want to go?" I said, "Are you a taxi driver?" He said, "Ya." I said, "Let's go." I feel rescued. | 1MKA, 1FSA, 1FSA, 2MOA, 1FSA, 1MOA | AN D, AP D, AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0221 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-03 | F | YA | I'm in a plane. We go to Russia. We sneak in through a fireplace and try to mingle with the Russians. There is a factory. We visit it. Then we have to leave before we get caught. As we go back to the fireplace, I stop at a bathroom. Some women are upset with me because I've been there, and they've had to go hungry. They are going to turn me in. I talk with them. They are sullen and resentful but don't turn me in. I respect their feelings. I sneak back through the fireplace to the airplane. I gather up powdered eggs, milk, etc. to take back to the women. It's only fair. We sneak back into Russia. Sometimes we are invisible because the solders or cops are near by. We sneak into the house. The women are in the kitchen, doing dishes. We bring the food to them. We are all pleased with each other. Then it is time to go. We sneak back to the plane but are seen. Now we scramble and get into the air. Planes are after us. It is important to get out of Russian territory so in case we get hit, we won't land on Russian grounds. We duck and fly low because their jets can't. It's foggy and cloudy and I call out the names of the high mountains we are zigzagging through. There is much tension. "Big Mama" mountain is on the left, "Bear" mountain, the Rockies. Then we go up behind the Russian jet, and strafe it with machine gun bullets. The jet goes down. We're over water now. Just before it hits, I yell, "Nuke bomb!" We scramble into our yellow, anti-radiation suits. They are like giant sleeper suits. We put on masks that protect our faces and we breath filtered air. We look back at the huge cloud rising from where the jet crashed. We had gone fast to get out of the shock wave area. The cloud was even bigger and more deadly than a mushroom cloud. Then I see many more of them. "What's going on?" I ask. "Why are there more?" | 2JEA, 2FEA, 2MOA, 2FSA | HA 2JKA+D, AN 1FKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0222 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-04 | F | YA | I wake up feeling a lot of anger. I then drift back to sleep. I was at a family reunion picnic thing. I set up the lunch and entertainment. They were not too thrilled with my ho-hum hamburger gravy and potatoes and openly snickered at my skits. I took a cat in my arms and the cat and I walked up close to each of my relatives (black and white adult cat). They were all sitting in a semi-circle. I held the cat up to the face of each one. The cat bit cousin Willie real hard. I told the cat not to bite anymore. He just looked at me. My Grandpa Lloyd and Grandma Mildred were having an "argument," much like my parents. Grandpa took a big sweet dessert and ate it. I ate a spoonful of sweet chocolate, wondering why I did it because it wasn't good for me. Grandma nagged at him, ever so sweetly. "Now Lloyd, look at that. You know better than to...etc." Lloyd just glared at her and ate more. They were like children deliberately getting on each other's nerves. Ginny, my Aunt Millie, Bonnie and I got into a car to go to a fair for the disabled. I was angry because I realized that I only had a bicycle with flat tires to assist me when I got to the fair and I was going to get tired and achy walking around. We had trouble getting there. When we got there, a car was backing out into traffic. One wheel got caught on the curb and the whole car turned over. A woman driver was in it. I kept wondering how she managed to flip the car and if she was all right. Another car, trying to get into the parking lot, just pushed her around. She finally got out. I then started making a list of all the supposed things being done for the disabled and discovering it wasn't helping the disabled. It was helping the establishment feel good about helping the disabled. I wrote these down so I could expose this. I saw Marv C with a bandage on his thumb. We hugged. He said, "It was so kind of you to like my things." His things were beautifully calligraphied posters in blue ink. I then picked it up and looked closely. I said, "It is pretty and quite nice, but did the disabled make them? How are they helping the disabled?" I put him on my list. I also put the Iron Duchess on my list. | 2JKA, 1ANI, 2JKA, 1MKA, 1FKA, 2JKA, 1MKA | AN D, AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0223 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-04 | F | YA | Later, I was reciting something. I saw the anger as a sign from past lives. Ptomeny was XXX is on the list. | 1MKA, 1MPA | AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0224 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-05 | F | YA | I am in an unhappy home. I am at school. My "brother" and I have big stop watches. We discover that if we push the button right, it will remove us to a parallel universe that is in some ways slightly different from the one we are in. I am not happy in my present universe. People are cool. My brother and I live with step-parents that don't care about us. We come home from school. My watch is broken or was broken by kids at school. My "step-mother" is very uncaring. It's late at night. We decide to go to the other universe. My brother has already tried it and says that it is better than where we are. I follow him to his bedroom. I have a "younger sister" with me. We sneak in being very quiet so we don't wake up "younger brother" or "step-mother." My brother lies on the bed. I stand up on the bed, my feet under his back. I keep almost losing my balance. The "younger sister" (Paulina), stands on the side of him, holding very hard. We set the dials. At first, nothing happens. Then I get worried something will go wrong. Then a part of the watch shines red and the scene changes and then the scene is the same. A woman comes in. It's my "step-mother." At first, it is Claire K (a client) and then my Aunt Naomi. She offers me soda and cookies. At first I won't eat them because they have sugar and then I do. She is talking to me, making comments that give me information about the situation on this planet or universe. I carefully don't answer questions. She says she is going away. She tells me there is a package on the porch for me. She is friendly and nice. She talks about men. We agree that they are messy. I say, "Look at the bottom of that river." I see a river with garbage and debris on the bottom. "I sure didn't put that there. You didn't. Men did." Now I'm on a boat. We are about to cross the harbor. The man at the helm says, "They've dug out the harbor here and as such now two way traffic can now get through." He says, "You'll find it much changed." I look and realize that it's a lot of traffic like New York City harbor. I see wooden boats that look like whales on the bank. He says, "Here we go," and suddenly the boat flies up over some apartment buildings and over the watery expanse between the buildings. I expect the boat to drop down, fly up and drop down again, but we fly smoothly. My younger sister holds my hand. | 1MKA, 2JSA, 1FKA, 1FKA, 1FKA, 1MSA | SD D, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0225 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-06 | F | YA | A nightmare. Entities or souls or creatures from other planets are coming to meld with humans and take our spirits away. I am very frightened. The children are the first to go and then the adults. It's a terrible feeling of the fear of losing myself as through death or absorption into another. They come, 3 of them. The one coming for me is a big man in a chicken hawk suit with red and blue fluffy feathers. He talks like an English pirate (irate)? We meld and a transparent form of my body is tucked under his wing and off we fly. What a ride. I can feel my stomach lurch as we go zipping up to the cosmos and down again. It's like a jet plane. We get to their planet. Then a man gets shot and falls. I'm surprised because I thought, "1.) No one dies here, and 2.) ugly, mean people don't exist here." They take the body of a 2 yr old baby and this shot man's soul goes into the baby. His face, is only softened and rounded like a baby. I'm appalled because they had told me we were just being borrowed. Now I know we were being lied to. I feel awful. I tell Nate to run. "I'm sorry I got you into this mess." | 2JSA, 1MSA, 1MOA, 1MSC, 1MSC, 1MKC | AP D, CO D, AP D, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0226 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-06 | F | YA | Dong and I were playing in an ocean. Then there was a head of lettuce, chopped into 3 sections. Dong said, "See, these golf balls, no bows, see how they envelope each other. They are floating in a sea of love. send out love." | 1MKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0227 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-08 | F | YA | I'm cooking hamburgers at my mother's house. I come in with 4 little ones. She sneers and says that there should be more. I feel hurt and angry and then I go out. I look and there are lots more but they've fallen on the floor, the messy greasy floor. I'm crying as I pick them up because I know if she sees, I'm in trouble. I have a hard time picking them up. Finally I get them into the house, and she comes up to me and growls, "Hurry up. They're in there, hungry, tired and fighting," (My father and the rest of the family). I say, "I have to cook the potatoes first," and she says, "No! Do something about the hamburgers first. Feed them the hamburgers and then come cook the potatoes." She walks out. I'm crying and angry and I get stubborn. I look for the potato peeler in the sink of dirty dish water. All I keep coming up with are sharp knives. I'm careful with them. I peel the potatoes and get them into a pan and take them to the stove, move another pot off the burner to make room for the potatoes and see that a cooked steak is there. There are lots of them, 3. She comes back in. I say, "Look! You had a good dinner already cooked and you had me out there working and crying and you weren't even going to let me have a good dinner." She yells at me about finding some other place to live. I say, "Yes, sure, I'll get out." She storms out. My father says to me (he's standing behind me), "7-6-5-4 yeah, you could be packed and out by 5." I know he means a.m. and I don't get up early, and I get furious at him and I turn and yell, "You little short runt!" Dwight is standing nearby. My father is about 4 feet tall. I yell, "You always take her side!" I am angry and hurt. | 1FKA, 2ISC, 1MKA, 1MKA | AN D, SD D, AN D, AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0228 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-09 | F | YA | I am on an airplane. The purpose of the ride is to entertain the kids. I have a job as a "Granny"; that's where you dress up as an old woman and sit on a chair at the back of the stairs. The kids sit at bottom of stairs and talk to you. You entertain them. Then I have the makeup all over my face to look old and peek in to see someone else doing it. The kids are staring at me. I laugh and say, "I guess I look funny with all this old lady makeup on." Then it is a bus and the driver (a fat ugly woman), gets out at a rest stop. Now I'm fighting 3 men that are getting on the bus. I point to one, a young good-looking man, and call him Satan. They are evil and I must protect myself by killing them. [BL] | 2JSC, 1FSA, 1MSA, 2MSA, 1MSA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0229 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-09 | F | YA | Later, just a sense of understanding that I must look to the past for answers, not the future. | null | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0230 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-12 | F | YA | I was in bed at home. Desmond had come to visit me. He asked me to go out. I said, "No, I'm too tired." We talked. He left. Then Nate called and asked if I was up. I said, "Yes." Then I heard Nate come into house downstairs. He was drunk. He was yelling at my parents, Grandma Agnes, and my aunts and uncles. He was angry at me because I said I would go out with him and now my parents had told him that I was in bed asleep. He demanded to know who that fellow was that just left. I was embarrassed because my family didn't know about Nate and I was angry at him for creating the scene. I got up and went downstairs in my red plaid, flannel nightgown. I just looked at him in anger. I asked him to step outside. I told him, "This is the last straw." He was all dressed up in a suit and tie. He stepped to side of the house to pee. I was embarrassed because my relatives might see. I read him the riot act. I told him never again to do that in front of my conservative relatives. He then left, angry. I then had a class. They were there to learn how to enjoy the wilderness as I had learned to do. I told them to close their eyes and think of their favorite food. Then I told them to think of all the ways they could cook it, sauteed, boiled, etc. Then they needed to cut it into little squares and carry it in a backpack. Then they were to pair up. One put on a blindfold, the other lead and then later they switched. I then got a chalk. At first, I start to ask for one, and then I looked for it myself. I draw dotted lines with arrows around leading up to hopscotch games on the playground (school). The starting place was an old tree. As I was making my marks, I came up to a class counter with china in it. I see a teapot that looked like it went with an old tea cup I own. I asked this guy for it. I said, "It's mine." He gave it to me. I was now carefully stepping amongst the china. I asked the guy for a hand so I wouldn't fall and break things. He helped me. I started to feel guilty because I realized it was not my teapot and I'd just stolen it. Someone was going to be sad. | 1MKA, 1MKA, 2JKA, 2JKA | AN 1MKA, AP D, AN 1MKA, AN D, AN 1MKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0231 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-12 | F | YA | An old woman owns a yarn shop. She calls me over and tells me to start working. She points to Bob (a stray kitten) and says, "If you don't get rid of him, I will. He's getting in your way, slowing you down. | 1FSA, 1ANI | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0232 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-12 | F | YA | I'm in bed. I wake up with the ceiling leaking on my face in a steady stream. I get up and my parents come to look at the leak. I am explaining to them how I woke up with water pouring on my face. Then Shannon calls. I say, "Hey! I'm awake," and she says, "Ya, I know why, because of our main class." I say, "Ya, that too of course, but you'll never guess what happened. The ceiling is leaking right on my face." There is an ominous silence at her end and I realize I've offended her because my excitement over the class took second priority. | 2JKA, 1FKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0233 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-13 | F | YA | I am a reporter. I am interviewing both of the president's wives. There are a lot of reporters there. The older, wiser wife does most of the talking. The young pretty one just smiles a lot. I try to get her to talk. Her name is Trixie Beldon (a name of a book I read as a 13 year old or so). Then the interview is over. The pack of reporters start to go to the next room. Lots of them are saying, "Mr. President, Mr. President." I'm on the edge and plan on sneaking away to a bigger and better story. A man, also a reporter, watches me and follows me. I run and get a taxi. He jumps in too. I am annoyed with him because I'm about to scoop the whole pack and he's blowing it for me. I see that I'm stuck with him, so I tell him, "I have to change my clothes. I'll be interviewing tough mob types." I'm wearing a tailored woman's suit. I tell him to not look and I take off my suit. I ask him to hand me my other clothes out of the briefcase. He does. He peeks. I'm crouched down so no one can see in the windows. Some tough mob types try. Then I'm trying to interview them. I now have to go to the apartment of the leader. This guy and I (now attracted to him), go to the apartment and ring the door bell. A strange looking "outerspace" creature (a pet), comes to the door. It's a living rock on 4 legs or a tiny hippopotamus. The guy pets it. Then I pound it on the head. I figure to pet it, you'd have to be rough so he'd feel it. It hurts him and he pounds me to show me how it feels. Now he's going to teach me how to be gentle and nice, so he pets me nicely on the head. The man and I are falling in love. The man is glad I'm learning to be sensitive. Then he and I are kissing. When I feel the saliva in his mouth, I can read his thoughts. It spooks him. "How did you know that?" | 2FOA, 1FPA, 2MOA, 1MSA, 1ANI, 1MSA | AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0234 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-14 | F | YA | I married my brother Jake. We were getting the furniture packed. Some of it was to be put in the "little house," (the house next to my parents'), and some taken to M City. My parents and sister were there to help. We only had a weekend for a honeymoon as on Monday, I had to be back to work on school. Then, we were sitting in the car going over the mountain. Then there was a big truck with our things in it. Someone was going to drive it for us. The driver went away. For some reason, Jake couldn't drive the truck, so I was saying, "Maybe I can do it, hon," and he said, "No, it's too hard for you." Then I said, "See, I can try." I got in and tried to drive it. I couldn't get it to stop. The brakes wouldn't hold, so it would slowly roll. Chuck was around helping move furniture. Then I got the truck to stop and Jake started yelling, "I'm bleeding to death!" I grabbed his hand and ran up the wooded hill. My father and my brother Dwight ran to him to see if it was so. I was thinking, "He's probably exaggerating." He came back and Dwight tried to put a pressure bandage on him. I was holding Jake and soothing him. I said, "Hon, relax. I'll take you to the hospital." "No," he said, "...got to get the bleeding to stop." My brother Dwight fainted. I looked at Jake's wound. I saw lots of orange blood but no continuous flow that indicated an artery or vein was cut. I tried to get him on the back of the motorcycle. Then I yelled, "Get him in the car! I'll be right back!" I felt a coughing seizure coming on and I ran for the house to get a glass of water thinking I'd grab it, get in the car, and drive Jake to hospital. I woke up coughing. Oh, earlier in the dream, I was teasing Chuck because he had clips and pin curls in his hair. He teased back and said, "How else can you have curly hair at work that everyone admires." He said that he was partial to saffron yellow now (somehow meaning that he was in love with Valerie). | 1MKA, 2JKA, 1MKA, 1MKA, 1MKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0235 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-15 | F | YA | I'm in the back seat of a car. Terence (my cousin) gets in with me. He wants to neck. He starts kissing me and so forth. I accept it but feel not too good about it. He's my cousin and there are other people in the car. It starts to feel good sexually so I think, "Eh, what the heck." Then he says, "You turn and change position." He had been touching my breast. Now he wants me to touch his penis. I sit up and move away. I think, "No, that's going to far. I don't want to." I start talking to other people in the car (my parents in front, and my brother Dwight next to us). We're driving country roads. My father stops the car by a mailbox to look at a shallow stream. There might be good rock hounding material there. My mother is embarrassed because someone is getting their mail and might wonder why we stopped by their mail box. My father is annoyed with my mother and vice versa. We then drive on. We come to Ka-ne-ta, an Indian Resort. There are lots of people. My father points one out. He calls him a special name. He's a Chief or something. I decide to knit. I open a package, a kit. Part of the knitting has been done. It's a delicate lacy pattern, pink, baby sweater-like. | 1MKA, 2JSA, 1FKA, 1MKA, 1MSA, 1MOA | AP 1MKA, AN 1MKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0236 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-16 | F | YA | Ginny is helping me fix up/clean up my house. Will S comes in. We like each other. He starts to caress me and we initially agree, non-verbally, to make love. We take off our clothes and lay on the dining room table. At first, I am concerned because he's an older man and I think maybe he won't feel good, but he's strong and sensual and the experience is very enjoyable. It lasts a long time. There are interruptions. Ginny and her two sons come in and talk to me. We stop making love and I tell her to go away now. She looks hurt and wants to stay. I gently ask her to leave for awhile. Her sons are fighting. Will S tells them how to get along. Then a candle is burning near us. My mother appears and says, "Here, I'll move that, it can burn the wood, or your hair." I say firmly, "Here, give me back the candle," and firmly put it back where I want it. She looks hurt and looks around for something to straighten or fix. She leaves. Will S and I continue. I feel embarrassed because it is taking me so long. He understands and doesn't mind. It feels good. [BL] | 1FKA, 1MKA, 2MSA, 1FKA, 1FKA | AP D, HA D, SD 1FKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0237 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-16 | F | YA | Co-worker Tyler is typing. He is smoking a cigarette. It's in his ear. He follows me up a long flight of stairs. He backs a shopping cart/amigo wheelchair down the stairs. I am concerned for him but he's doing fine. He comes back up. We kiss and I feel very happy. He loves me and I love him. We walk hand in hand. I think, "College this time is the way it should be." I thought of college the last time where lots of men went through my life. I felt solid, secure, and happy with Tyler, like finally, I've found someone special to love. | 1MKA | AP D, HA D, HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0238 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-16 | F | YA | There is some danger. A woman friend or relative has turned against me. I must lock the door against her and run. An old house. A man is with her. There is a sign on the floor. It's the word "bear" and represents a pet dog of co-worker Tyler's. He's not allowed to keep it. I feel sad for him. There is a deep, deep hole where the pet is. | 1FSA, 1MSA, 1ANI | SD D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0239 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-17 | F | YA | I was in a locker room adjoining the swimming pool. Two girls and myself were getting ready to go in. We got white swimming caps to put on. Mine had a brim like a baby's bonnet. I was having some difficulty stuffing my long hair into it. We were late for our class. We decided to play hookey. The men's class came back into the locker room. There was something about auditioning in a play. Then I put on a beautiful white dress. It was an old-fashioned wedding dress. I thought, "It's beautiful." I looked in mirror. It was a trick mirror. I looked squashed, out of proportion. The lace work on the dress was lovely. I looked at the back of the dress. I saw a beautiful, lacy bustle. It was laying across a stuffed animal's tail. I was sitting on a large, stuffed, duck billed platypus. The yellow cloth bill was in front and the other girl (who had made the bustle and had so informed me when I exclaimed about its existence with, "Well, I know that, I made it"), and I are playing puppets. We laughed. It was time to take the dress off and give it back. I was going to be an actress. | 2FSA, 2MKA, 1ANI, 1ANI | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0240 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-17 | F | YA | I am in Ireland at a school. We are lined up like in a fire drill. There are huge war ships going down the river. They are so big that an inner tube falls off on the back of the river and it is almost as wide as the river. I am exclaiming about how big it is and how can anyone hang on to it! We are supposed to stay indoors but I keep sneaking out. Veronica (a co-worker) asks me to come see a ship her grandmother was on. It is a large tea cup. Basically, I am on my way back to an American trip. I am being kidnapped to India. They talk me into coming into the cabin and resting for awhile. I look out the window and see the land going up and down. After I wake up from my rest, we are at sea. There is unrest (war) in India. I see huge guns. I'm being manipulated by "grandma" to get ready to have lunch with the captain. I know that and I keep stalling for time. I put my lipstick on and it smears; I do it again and it smears. She and her husband wink at me (he knows my game and isn't mad). He takes the lipstick and draws silver, fake symbols on a sign. I am delighted because it looks like a code. It will keep everybody busy trying to figure it out. The grandma then looks at me angrily and asks if I've hidden something. I smile at her and say, "Oh, yes. I did that." She just seethes. I enjoy being obstinate and non-helpful. Then the captain comes in. I make excuses for being late and falsely apologize. He seems to know I'm stalling and is challenged by me. He smiles. | 1FKA, 1MKA, 1MOA, 2JSA, 1FKA | HA D, AN 1FKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0241 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-18 | F | YA | Scattered impressions. Someone named Brian. I'm on a ship. There are two men leading two groups. One is an Indian (I don't remember which kind). One is John Wayne. I am between them. I have to change my name. An old fashioned dress. | 1MKA, 2MSA, 1MEA, 1MPA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0242 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-19 | F | YA | I am trying to figure out how to simulate flight in zero gravity to show my class. My father suggests I get some swings and swing up high. When I start to fall back down, I'll feel free flight. I try it. They are surprised I can do it. Then I see something that belongs to Corrine in the financial aid office. Then Curtis of Nighthawks (the harmonica player), is watching me. I go to a small office where I'm locked in by him. I look around the desk. I am aware that I've found some secret things, a file folder with paper. A voice (male) on the telephone asks me some questions and I answer carefully pretending that I'm whomever he thinks he's talking to. I see tape cassettes in the desk drawer and I think, "Talk Southern." He gets suspicious. I stay there all night. Curtis comes to open the door and I have hidden under my clothes some papers that are incriminating. He's suspicious of me but I get away with it. | 2JKA, 1FKA, 1MKA, 1MSA | CO 1MKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0243 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-19 | F | YA | Here is a family. They sell things. They go from town to town, gather up a work crew and pay them to work. We hawk up a crew, tell them to go buy some food and we will reimburse them. The mom tells them an economical way of buying so they get more for their money. Then she tells them to line up at the washing machines and she'll wash their clothes. They do and one of the men notices the washers are broken. A hose or pipe in the back is broken. The older man in the family shakes his head. It can't be fixed. It's the pipe. The father tries to talk him into it. The old man bemoans the use of pipe. He says, "It's made of hydrochloric acid." The family, he says, does a good thing. "We sell animals all over the country. They grow and multiply. Out of 100, comes 500 and a return of 5. That we keep for our own." He mentions the chickens, the sweet chickens, and how many have died from the poison in the pipes that we've sold with them. He is sad. Then the mother goes into a house. It's a scary house. There are halloween things there, spiders etc. She sees a picture on the wall. It's not clear. She asks for it to be clearer. The wall tries again. It's not clear. She tries to see it. Then she asks the older man to made it clearer with his dark room skills. He does. The picture shows on the wall. The woman/me is so frightened that she refuses to look. She covers her face with her hands and screams and screams. She thinks, "It's probably a picture of me dead, dressed like zombie." The room is very frightening (I wake up hearing the screams in my mind. There is a dream before this one that I am semi-aware of...I was so sleepy, that I just let it slip by. Before I went to sleep tonight, I asked for my dreams to tell me why I choose to stop enjoyment of an orgasm. After the lst dream of night, I asked for message to be clearer). | 2JSA, 1FKA, 2MOA, 1MKA, 2ANI, 1FSA, 2ANI | SD 1FKA, AP 1FKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0244 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-19 | F | YA | Sharks. Howard and Karen are keeping my children. I babysit their child and try to negotiate for more time with mine. The University house. I'm hiding. A party. Several men are out to get me. I'm running. | 2ANI, 2JKA, 1FKA, 1ISC, 2MSA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0245 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-20 | F | YA | A group of people go moving into an old store front in a city. I see several women that I had gone to the lst and 2nd grade with. I've come back to live. Another woman, my brother and I are looking over the apartment. There are lots and lots of rooms, old fashioned furniture. There are lots of pianos, pretty little ones, antiques, huge mirrors, and a leather flat bag. I start to look in it and think, "I don't want to see what's in here." I look anyway. A baby or a cat is in there. It looks at me and glares. I cover it back up. Then I'm at a dance with lots of guys. Then I'm back at the apartment, looking for a room for my bedroom. I knock on a door and say, "I'm coming in." A guy is in there. He's upset. It's his room. I apologize. I've walked into someone else's apartment. This woman and I keep going to other rooms. I'm holding the cat now. I'm in an evening dress. The woman and I find a room. There are gays in there. She lies down. The cat is upset and runs away. I lie down beside her. Her husband, latin or black, holding their baby, stumbles in drunk and lays down on the other side of her. She is annoyed with him. I have a feeling we're going to make love and I feel scared. My brother and my father are wandering around. | 2JSA, 2FKA, 1MKA, 1FSA, 1MSA, 1FSA, 1MKA, 1MKA | AN 1MKA, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0246 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-21 | F | YA | I have to "babysit" or assist a quack. He's withdrawn and somewhat helpless. I take him home with me, the old duplex Howard and I lived in when I was pregnant with Dovre. The only place to sleep is on a roll-away bed in the living room. I lay down beside him. I have my back turned to him. I'm aware of my body, some what tense. Behind he's paralyzed, he can't feel me. He wants to hear music. He asks me to put on a record. I get up and look on the old card table. There are albums all over it. He gets up (walks stiff and holds hands stiff), and points to an album and says, "Oh, go ahead and play it, and get it over with. Then I can hear what I like." I look at it, Old English Madrigals. I say, "Now, I'm tired of it," so I find the jacket to put it away. "What do you want to hear? It's O.K. I'll play it." I'm called to the phone. My sister Lydia asks what I'm doing at the old place. I say "Oh, it's O.K., I'm just here for a day or two, then back to my new house." "Oh, I'm glad, " she says. Then Bill E. is outside the window. I follow him. Now he's a woman, going dancing. He's wearing a bright yellow dress. In order to dance, since he's/she's paralyzed, there are two suction cups like tassels on her breasts that are attached to a glass sheet. She ungulates around being supported by those cups. It stretches the breasts and I think, "Ugh. That must hurt. But at least she's getting out and having fun." I am pleased as she's not being withdrawn as much now. | 1MKA, 1FKA, 1MKA, 1FKA | HA D, HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0247 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-21 | F | YA | I'm listening to a tape cassette and ten recordings on it. I get the tape messed up and I'm trying to rewind it back on. I am concerned because it's important. Several women are laughing an sneering at me, like I'm stalling and trying to destroy the tape. A Rolls Royce comes and stops by me. A lot of people get out. The star (like Mickey Rooney), gets out. He comes to me and we kiss. His show comes through town every so often and he sees me then and then leaves. His entourage sneer at me. We go for a walk. We kiss. Then he says, "Sorry babe, time to leave now," he goes away, and then he comes back for the next visit. That is our relationship. He asks me how I've been. He asks me if I have practiced and if I'm walking better. I say, "Sure." Then he starts to say goodbye and leaves and then he turns and comes back. He says, "No, I'm staying. We'll stay together. You'll practice and I'll make sure." I'm pleased and not pleased all at the same time. I get what I asked for and now not sure that's what I want. [BL] | 2FSA, 2JSA, 1MPA, 2JSA | AP D, HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0248 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-21 | F | YA | I am a teacher at a grade school. A man teacher follows me around teasing me to be in a puppet show (hand held puppets that are so heavy you wear part of it). He's funny and I keep laughing. He won't let me alone, so I'm laughing and saying no and telling him to go away. Then I reluctantly agree to do it. I play a lady horse. The wire and cardboard on my arm is very heavy. I sashay around and sing and shinny. I'm very funny. The guy is aggressive, sharp-witted and persistent. He likes me but it's overwhelming. | 1MOA, 1ANI | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0249 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-21 | F | YA | My good-looking "husband" and I are divorced. He's directing a play. I am a designer or script writer. I wear my hair long, with jeans, informal, and I go backstage. He is flabbergasted at me and watches nervously. His second wife is there (as I hopped up on stage, I have to be careful not to step on placemats and napkins. The stage shakes like an earthquake and made walking difficult). I strike up a conversation and lead her into a discussion about her first wife, i.e. me. I don't tell her who I am. He can't stand seeing us together talking, so he comes back to "work on the set" near us. He's painting shades of pink on the set. The stuff he's standing on (cardboard), starts to break and fall. He runs in place as it avalanches under his feet and into the water. Someone asks him how much is lost. He can't tell because it's underwater. I then have to leave, because I have a debt to pay and must go to the bank. I come back, dressed in a nice suit with my hair up. Now I can be identified as "Jean," his first wife. My husband and his second wife are on stage and I walk up to them (only my conscious perspective is with the second wife now). She/I is apprehensive about the classiness of the 1st wife. The "husband" then wants to be with the 1st wife. He follows her. They still love each other. | 1MKA, 1FSA, 1FSA, 1MKA | AP 1MKA, AP 1MKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0250 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-21 | F | YA | I woke up seeing bags of vegetables, celery and carrot sticks lined up, more of celery than carrots. The statement, "You must lead if you expect followers," or, "A leader has followers." A herd of cows. | 2ANI | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0251 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-21 | F | YA | Something about my brother Dwight. | 1MKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0252 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-23 | F | YA | I am in a house. It's near the edge of a canyon. I see two volcanoes blow up. I see huge ash plumes. I see some water splashing up over the edge of the canyon and I'm aware that the house and I are in changes. I tell Howard, "We have to get out." He's calm and ridicules me for getting excited over nothing. I see the water getting closer and grab the three girls and run for it. He is following me and telling me what a fool I am. I look back and I see an older man, a para, out of his chair, sitting on the floor. Water is raging and swirling around him. A black carpet, carried by the water, covers him. He's caught. I run to a telephone booth. Someone is in it. I see another. I get to it. It's not a regular one; it's a narrow, funny looking phone. I don't know how to operate it. I search in my coat pocket for a dime. Howard offers a quarter. I am relieved. I have my own dime, so I don't have to accept his money. I try to use the phone, but the buttons are more like my radio. | 1MKA, 2FSA, 1MSA, 1MSA, 1ISA | HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0253 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-23 | F | YA | Snatches of the other dream. Sandy C, hypnosis. Someone put a yellow tattoo color on my ear. I was angry that they would use me so badly without my permission. I said, "If I wanted a tattoo, I'd get a little butterfly on my left shoulder but not a big yellow one on my ear." The man just used me to see if the color would work. I was angry. | 1FKA, 1MSA | AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0254 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-24 | F | YA | A Philip dream. I think about my Uncle Philip. Something about 2 Philip's and they vied for my attention. | 1MKA, 1MKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0255 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-24 | F | YA | I am with a group of people. I see the ocean. I am near a jungle. I am a leader, like Katherine Hepburn. My daughter (young teen) is stolen by a gorilla. We are searching for her. I take lots of large hair pins out of my long blonde hair and drop them in a pool of water. They go "plop, plop." Some nice man is watching me in the dream. I then go to a banquet. There lots of long tables. One man wearing a red shirt sits at a table. I am interested in him and vice versa. I walk past him and sit at the foot of the next table. Another man (possibly Howard), comes over to sit next to me. I firmly place my arms across the place setting on either side of me. He says, "Oh, can I sit here?," (new to me). I say, "No." Then he says, "How about here?," and chooses a chair next to the place next to me. I shrug and say, "O.K." He then chooses one more chair removed from me and sits. I feel good. I flirt with the man in a red shirt. | 2JSA, 1FPA, 1MSA, 1MSA, 1MSA | HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0256 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-27 | F | YA | Two people were digging a path in the sand to channel water to flow to the ocean from a large house. There were two paths. The water flowed by the house. A fence of water was in the middle of the one close to the house. I asked my brother to push back the fence so I could walk in the water to follow it to the ocean. It was resistant but he could move it. I then waded to the ocean. I was disappointed to see that the water hadn't made it that far. I saw sand and dirt. I felt the channels were wasting water. I saw the ocean waves coming up the dry path and covered it all. Then there were a series of tasks I had to do to be able to leave the house and go on my own. I did these all successfully, except the last one which was very hard. I had to look at a picture and weave a reproduction of it. I attempted it but the weave was loose. It was close enough. Someone, a girl cousin, was snotty to me. I then was figuring out my monthly payments on my van. 7 to 9 months at $125 each month. $105 was principle and $20 was the finance charge. I figured I'd have it paid off in a few months (July or August). | 2ISA, 1MKA, 1FKA | SD D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0257 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-28 | F | YA | SWOL. | null | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0258 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-28 | F | YA | I am looking for a cat. My family and I are in a big house. We come away with 4 cats and 2 puppies. I have a white full grown but small cat in my arms. I'm petting it. My brother Dwight has puppies. My father, driving the car, turns and says, "You're going to have to give them back or pay for the food yourself." | 2JKA, 1ANI, 1MKA, 2ANI | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0259 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-28 | F | YA | I am auditioning to be a singer. I'm good. The piano player, Cory, and I are a good team. We fall in love. Years later, we are standing before an audience and telling the story of how it all started. I hug Cory and tell the audience how I snuck into the "big" auditions and was so good they had to notice. I told them how special Cory was in my life. It was a mutual admiration society. | 1MKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0260 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-29 | F | YA | Blake, his wife and adopted son came by to visit me. I was glad. I enjoyed the talk. There was a small sense of uncomfortableness because Blake and I used to have a relationship, but we all worked at it being comfortable. I thought that even though they didn't make it to my party, at least I see them now. It was a good thing that I called them. I asked Blake to hang around and watch me work. I was learning new stuff. He agreed. I got suited up for surgery. I was like a practicum student at an emergency surgery. We went into the emergency surgery room. It was a party atmosphere because it was like "Super Bowl" day. We all agreed to chose code names. Mabel was given a name and I said, "No. It's better to call her 'clown'." We looked at each other, agreeing. I felt good I made this connection because the name had significance for her and I remembered I was "collected try" or something like that written in lifesavers. My brother Dwight or Cory was chastised for being uppity because he was a counselor. I thought, "Ha, they have snobbish classified staff here too." The teaching doctor asked me if I wanted to stay and watch. I said, "Yes, for a while and I also want to spend part of the day out front working," (intakes, etc). My old block car, the comet, was in the dream somewhere. They started talking about which team they rooted for. I thought, "No, I want to root for...," and then thought of the "M's," but I wanted to root for the M City team but I couldn't remember their name. | 1MKA, 1FKA, 1MKA, 2JOA, 1MOA | HA D, SD D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0261 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-29 | F | YA | I'm trying to hold a gray kitten. It's fighting me. It holds its body rigid and waits for me to relax my hold so it can spring away. I pet it and talk to it. Dylan holds it for a while and soothes it down. It starts to purr. Then I try again. It goes rigid again, but after a while it starts cuddling up and getting cute and friendly. I feel very pleased. I decide to chose this kitty to take home with me. Then it plays cute tricks and is very entertaining. I am at Aunt Elaine's house and cousins Dora and Willie are there. It's like Christmas. There are pretty ornaments. Some are a chance game. You put on an ornament in a certain way and win the game. I look for those kind but none are left. I see some pretty ornaments you just hang on the tree. They say "free" on them. It's kind of tame though. Then Ethan and cousin Willie find glass things that you can whistle through. They start a "jug band." I grab one and show how I can do high, clear notes. They signal that I can join them but only be the rhythm section and just blow the note every so often to accent their sound. A crowd draws around. Willie and Ethan put on a show and I tag along. I can't hear my note, it's so high, but the crowd can. It's loud and piercing to them. The crowd is milling around. Willie and Ethan get on a big truck (18 wheeler), and drive around, leaving me behind. I look and the crowd is using this opportunity to escape. I feel a little sad and embarrassed for Willie and Ethan who think they're putting on a great show. Then, 2 policemen come in. I play more notes. I can hear them more. They see a beautiful, sexy woman in a box with mirrors. If you guess where she really is, you go get her. They figure it out and get her and then they all play a game (like slot machines). I go up and look at the box. There are signs on it that say "no touching, etc." I lift up one mirror to peek in. I see one mirror slides up diagonally so the image is thrown in a different direction. I look down at the bottom and figure out she must be down there. | 1ANI, 1MKA, 1FKA, 1MKA, 2JSA, 1FSA, 2MOA | HA D, SD D, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0262 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-30 | F | YA | I was feeling tired and my father was concerned. We were at Grandma Agnes' house. We got in the car to go somewhere. Then, for some reason, I needed to go back to the house. I got out to walk back, feeling annoyed that I'd have to walk all that distance. My father felt badly about it as well, so he walked part of the way with me along a dirt road, somewhat muddy. After I got going, I saw that I was O.K. and told my father I could make it by myself and he could go on. I went on alone. As I got near the house, a man was following me. I went in, to the enclosed front porch. He came in and talked. I suspected him. He might have tried to make advances. I felt my father's concern. Then I decided he was not going to hurt me and he went on his way. | 1MKA, 1FKA | AP 1FKA, AN D, SD 1FKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0263 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-30 | F | YA | Something about Dylan being concerned about me. The second step is getting my Ph.D. I wake up with the word wedding in my head. | 1MKA | AP 1MKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0264 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-30 | F | YA | Something awful happened to the Earth. I see oceans, no land. I'm like flying overhead looking for a place to land. I see some coral reefs peeking out of the water. I think about landing there, but a huge wave comes and sweeps over it, so I go on looking. Finally, I see mud flats. Then I decide to live on the water. Why not? I build a house on a raft. It's square and tight (compact). I have furniture. I realize that someone, a man, is coming to find me. He's from the other side (a war hero maybe)? I hide in a closet. He comes in and looks around. I watch him through peep holes. He senses where I am and opens the closet. I crouch down in a dark corner; he feels around and finds me. I am angry at him. "How did you guess? How did you know I was there?," I ask. He points to the cloth covering I used to camouflage the door. It was wrinkled. I straightened it out. He thinks I'm a criminal (being on the other side), but I know I'm not. I'm snotty to him, uppity. He sits on the couch. I start doing dishes. Then I put on boots to go outside on the raft. There's something out there. It's a pet, but scary too. I realize (again), that I must wear foot coverings because of possible poison things I could step on, but they've been stolen along with my can opener and other survival, important items. I go out pretending my bare feet are covered. I look out over the water. It's cold, deep, and dangerous. A white with black trim whale or dolphin slides up to raft and squeaks. I smile, I like it and I'm afraid of it. Then I go back in. Next we are at a party, on land. I see the man that had stolen my survival items. I ask him to dance; he doesn't recognize me. As we dance, I charm him and then look him in the eye and tell him the bad thing he did to me. He denies it and backs away. I decide it doesn't matter. I let him go. The man (who found me), has watched and now understands the difficulties I have had to struggle with and appreciates my courage. I feel aloof and independent. | 1MSA, 1ANI | AN D, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0265 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-31 | F | YA | Ginny and I rush home because Blake and Keith are going to come over to visit us for dinner. As we come into the lobby of the apartment building, we see Blake and Keith. They are drunk. "Wahoo," we think. I'm in a hurry to get to the kitchen to finish dinner prep. We go up an elevator. It's not the regular one. It's skinny. I think, "Hum. No room for a wheelchair." We then are in a store where everything's on sale, Wards/Penny's. I try to get through the jumbled aisles, but everything and everybody is in my way. I walk over and around jumbled boxes of slippers. I see some that have heels high enough I could wear. I'm interested but keep going. People are in the way. I try another way, clothes and appliances. I see an automobile tuning light for only $64. I decide that's a good deal, but I'm concerned because I've already over spent. Blake follows me. I look and under his overcoat he's hollow, empty. The coat is stiff, like looking up a christmas tree or a toy. We roll him to the apartment. I finally get there. Ginny buys something. The sales lady demands to know if she paid her $11 monthly money yet. Ginny gives a disjointed explanation (half lying). | 1FKA, 1MKA, 2JSA, 1FOA | AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0266 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-31 | F | YA | Lesbians dancing. The word "disgraced." I watch. | 2FSA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0267 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-31 | F | YA | A death's head, crying out in terror. | 3ISA | AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0268 | 1960-1997 | 1981-01-31 | F | YA | "Becky, clean it up." | 1FKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0269 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-01 | F | YA | I'm sitting in a bed. Fletcher (from acting class) is in a manual wheelchair. There are many doors to this room/area. One in front of the bed is glass and leads to the street. I'm in a hall of a school building actually. Fletcher needs to go to bathroom, so he goes down stairs (in chair). He says it's the best route for him. I decide I have to go to the bathroom, so I choose to go out the glass door, in my chair. I feel nervous, strangers, so I go back in and lock the door and the screen door. I go down the stairs, in my chair, a butt-controlled ride. Part way down, there's a metal rod sticking up to slow runaway chairs. At this point, I get up. It's easier to walk. The stairs have been messed up by Fletcher's chair rides. The carpet is rumpled and some stairs are long or missing, making the walking uneven. I look for a bathroom. I see two doors. The name plaques are Italian, and lots of decals and graffiti are on doors. One said "terrier ricotta," or something like that. I stop a young kid (early 20's), janitor, and ask him, "Which one's the women's room?" I feel annoyed. I think I'm in the performing arts class area because the Italian words are from opera class. He can't remember so he sticks his head in one of the doors. A woman comes out. She says she knows it's the women's room because she did the sigh change. I thank both and go in. The room is a mess. There are toilets all around, but no stalls. I sit on one, the most protected from view. As I bare my ass, a guy comes in. I'm really annoyed and I stand up, covering myself. Then I sit down again and discreetly try to cover myself. He mutters some apology. He's looking for something. My mother/older lady is upset and insulted. He drops his white cane as he backs out. The I pick up a life magazine and see an article on Elizabeth Taylor. The picture moves; it's a movie. The narration talks about how expressive and white her hands are. She has been in an accident and is a para. Her hands are lovely but are nervously clenching and unclenching one another. I get up and go back to bed. I want to make sure all the doors are locked. Something is making me nervous. Then Elizabeth appears in my room. She's upset and wants to explain to me about the "Life" story, something about a lost baby. We go back downstairs. Chuck sees us from across room. I know he's going to recognize her and really want to talk to her, see her, feel her. He does. He comes over. He goes, "Wow! It must be neat to be so beautiful." Elizabeth and I look at each other like we understand each other. I explain to Chuck that to look like she does leaves herself wide open for guys like Chuck to walk up and take her time and energy. They insult her. They are dumb, and they think they are being smart, cute, and sexy, but it's boring and anger-producing to have to always deal with non-understanding jerks. She and I go back into the bathroom to look at "Life" magazine and talk. | 1MKA, 1MOA, 1FSA, 1MSA, 1FKA | AP D, AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0270 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-01 | F | YA | I am older, maybe late forties or early fifties. I audition for a part in a play. The teacher, a woman older than me, doesn't approve of me. I don't get the part. I then go into the cafeteria of a school. I am wearing a bright red suit, and my hair is carefully done via beauty parlor (blue). I am given the silent treatment because I'm different. I feel confident and self-righteous. I know I'm doing the right thing and I smile to myself. I can handle this. | 1FOA | HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0271 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-01 | F | YA | I am even older, late 60's or so. I go back and audition again. I tell them, "I know the play was written for two young women and a little boy, but I think it would be good material to do the play with older players, but don't change any of the dialogue." They reluctantly agree. I go home now, after talking to the middle-aged man who got the part of the little boy. I am now on roller skates. I can't remember exactly where my house is. If I turn left, I go up hill. If I turn right, I go down hill. I turn right knowing that it is harder to roller skate down hill. I have trouble stopping. The ride is like a roller coaster. I look for rough surfaces to slow me down. I find my house. There are lots of people on the front lawn. I join them. It's a meeting. Ethan is the leader. I listen, then decide it's time to act. I raise my hand and say, "May I have permission to write 'Dear Friends and Colleagues'," a P.R. letter about the play. He agrees. The others are amazed at my braveness. I had a job to do and I did it. | 2JOA, 1MSA, 2JSA, 1MKA | CO 2MKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0272 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-04 | F | YA | Another person and I are at a zoo. Two large and dangerous wild cats get loose. They start chasing us. We run and end up cornered in the empty hay loft of a barn. To defend myself, I pull out two small short bladed rickety pocket knives. They are dull. The sassy mountain lion comes up close and pulls out his pocket knife, which is like mine. I feel afraid because I am inadequately defended. He and I circle each other and then we start to laugh at the silliness of the situation. We agree to be blood brothers. He cuts his thumb with his knife and I cut mine with my knife and we mix the blood. Then we talk about how we can work together. I point out that if he stays in a particular area, he won't scare the neighbors and I'll give him classes and teach him enjoyable things. I introduce him to 3 teachers. Then I see a well-manicured hedge. | 1ISA, 1ANI, 2ANI, 2ISA, 2ANI | AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0273 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-04 | F | YA | I am a counselor. A client calls on the phone. She is pretty upset. There's lots of activity, so I step out in the hall and pace back and forth as I talk to her. I calm her down and remind her to read the instructions I've given her. I say, "They're things I wrote." She complains that there aren't 3 things. I read them to her and then she sees them. Some persons from Bulgaria or Greece come and offer me wine. I try it. They are selling their wares. I see a price list. Everything is made by XXX and cousin George. Then, I am a Greek. I can become invisible at will. I want some truckers to pull their truck over to my spot on the side of the road to buy my wares, food and wine. They are mean and make fun of me, so I turn invisible and use the force of my mind to make them pull over. I wear a wreathe of flowers in my hair and dance in front of their truck and they follow. I lead them to a spot of grass where I have marked their tires and engine number. They pull up there. I have a banquet table set up for them. Then I see a national hero. He's driving a tank in the water. I go near to see and get caught under the tank treads. I become invisible so I won't be hurt. As they are Greek, they can see me and know I'm there and are concerned for me. I hold my breath and let the tank run over me and then I get up, unhurt. I go back on shore. The two Greeks join the banquet. They are very intrigued by me. For some reason, I encourage the mean truck driver. We all sit down to eat, the Greeks on either side of me. I am very beautiful. | 1FKA, 2JEA, 2MEA, 1MKA, 2JEA | AP 1FKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0274 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-05 | F | YA | Shannon and I go on a vacation, just like last time. We get into a VW bug. She starts to drive. We stop at a restaurant to use the rest room. We carry our cats in. I have a Jay cat (a cousin of mine). She has Mama cat. Jay cat looks up at me, and asks if Papa cat is coming on the trip, I say, "No, but Mama cat is. We'll have a good time." Then I point out my new "jivin'" hair cut. I choose to drive the rest of the way to give Shannon a rest. I carry the suit cases. I think maybe we'll take a different route this time. I think of Tennessee. [BL] | 1FKA, 1FKA, 1ANI, 1ANI | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0275 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-05 | F | YA | I'm with the girls, visiting. Howard comes and says he's moving to S City. The girls are concerned and ask me if they can still visit me. I said, "Well, I have to ask my parents first because it's their house." My mother assures me that they can come. I feel glad. We start to make arrangements. Then Howard changes. He wants to talk to me. We sit on a couch at opposite ends. Howard tells me he's going back to school. He's changed now. He's going to become a lawyer. I keep emotional distance and sneer a little at his social climbing ways. Then he starts creeping closer and closer to me and I get that sick, trapped feeling again. I look at him. He's young now; he's lost weight and his fingers are long and slim. His eyes have an Oriental slant to them and his skin is brown. I say, "Oh, you look all different," and describe it. He's concerned and has a whimpery quality to his voice and keeps physically sneaking up to me. I ask him to explain again his schooling he's going for. There is a couch pillow between us. He's trying to get around the pillow. He wants us to be together again. I then realize that he's a "Monnis." He's going to S City for a month for training and then to school. Now the couch is a bath tub and he's trying to lay down beside me and I move away. He has puppy-like eyes. I feel sad for him. I feel trapped. I run. I go to an office. Now I want to go to the seminar training to see what's happening, like a spy. I ask the secretary. She says to type the letter "E" and I will get in. I try to. I hit lots of letters and finally get a E typed. They aren't thrilled but I'm accepted (and a friend, woman), we go. As we walk down a hall, I see I'm in a zoo. There is an enormous gorilla. I'm afraid of him and I try to avoid him seeing me, because Howard is near him. He sees me and winks at me. I go near. Howard is listening to his every word like a slave. I go on. I get out. Then I'm driving into a state park at the beach. The girls and I are on a vacation and returning to a place we've enjoyed before. It will be fun. I write a poem. Some men read it and look at me with respect. One says, "It's not a poem in the traditional sense but she has talent, rhythm. It's good." | 2FKA, 1MKA, 2JKA, 1FKA, 1FOA, 1ANI | HA D, SD D, AP 1FKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0276 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-05 | F | YA | My grandmother Mildred is ill. She is dying. She wants grandpa Lloyd with her. We are in the living room. I see grandfather coming in to see her. He is younger looking and thin. He smiles and looks like he's gone through some emotional changes, like he's finally in touch with his feelings. Grandma is scared and needs his support. He knows that and gives her a present and talks about how he'd love to be there with her but he just can't, so much to do, etc. He talks like her and I look at my parents and think, "See you all ways got on her case but she learned it from him." He's trying to do the polite thing and escape. She's practically begging him to be real and close with her. It's like grandfather has just discovered warmth and youth and knows he hasn't long to enjoy it and is insensitive to her and wants to leave her. He starts to leave. I am angry. I run after him and grab him at the porch. A younger cousin (with eyes like my kitty), wants to talk to him and gets there first. I say, "Grandfather, I want to talk with you." He says, "Well, I have to leave now, and he was here first." I look at the cousin and look at him, silently pleading for him to understand my need and then say to grandfather, "How can you do this to her?!" I then feel empathy and say, "I know you need XXX. I know you XXX, but she needs you. How can you be so cruel to her?" He's walking to the car and I'm following, crying, "Grandfather! Grandfather!," and sobbing. He won't listen. He's on his way. | 1FKA, 1MKA, 1MKA, 2JKA, 1MKA | AN D, SD D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0277 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-07 | F | YA | A flying dream. Sometimes it was easy to get up and soar. Other times, it was a real struggle. I was in a large department store. I had to fly above florescent lights and under wires. It was a struggle. Then, Bonnie and I visit a woman. She brings out her old maternity clothes for Bonnie to try on. We both say, "Oh, how cute!" I say, "...But it's not my style, thank goodness." It's tailored, peter pan collar, pleated skirt, and brown. I look at myself and remember what it was like to be pregnant and I'm relieved I'm not. I then fly again. I'm in a grocery store. I pick out bananas and other things. I look around for a store clerk. I ask Cory if he snuck some ham before he went to chicken. He said, "Yes." I start to. I'm afraid I'll get caught but I don't have enough money to buy all the food I need. | 1FKA, 1FSA, 1MOA | HA D, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0278 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-08 | F | YA | Two doors, one marked "Men" and one marked "Women." I go into the men's room because I am guiding a man through. I hope no one's in there to see me. I'd be embarrassed. The door opens into a narrow hall and goes to another door which opens into a school hall with offices off of it. Then I am going into one of the offices to talk to Leif, an older PE teacher. He's upset about one woman student. I reassure him. As I talk, I put one hand on his arm. His eyes warm up and he puts an arm near my shoulder and leans closer. I see this and try to make him realize that I'm just trying to reassure him, not fall in love with him. I then go out, across the yard to try the dormitory. I walk in. A woman, Virginia, one of my roommates, tells me the dryers are broken. There are lots of them in a row (clothes dryers). I look them over and push buttons. Virginia is already to go over to Leif and complain. I tell her not to. "He's happy now and besides, they're working O.K. now." She walks out with a blue dollhouse to show him. She's glad he's happy now. I suddenly feel glad to be alive. Things are working out O.K. I am in running shorts and decide I'll get back into jogging every morning at 6:00 a.m. I look out the window (venetian blinds, open) and feel happy. | 1MSA, 1MKA, 1FSA, 1FKA | HA D, HA 1FKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0279 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-09 | F | YA | I'm traveling the U.S. in the late 1800's. I meet up with Burt Lancaster, another woman, and her young son. We travel together. It's winter. The woman asks me to take a huge ice knife and cut blocks of ice (we're on a lake). I say, "I'm afraid to. I'll slip and fall in or it will crack and go out from under us." She does it herself. Burt falls in love with her. She is married already to some disagreeable wimp. He doesn't like having Burt around but accepts it because Burt is strong and will save the family from disaster. The woman learns ways of survival in the wilderness from Burt. He puts an animal on a rock. A huge bird swoops down and kills it. I cry (I'm a daughter, I think). I think that's cruel. Burt says, "He had every chance for survival. He had to fight. He lost." I feel awful. Then Burt is talking to a young, pudgy boy who is really a squirrel. His eyes are squirrel's eyes. He tells the boy he's a squirrel and will be left on his own to survive. The boy listens and then changes physically into a squirrel. He runs and is safe. I'm glad he's safe. Now Burt's in San Francisco on a sailing boat. I'm the first mate. We decide to sail back to our starting point. I start to cast off. Burt asks me if I have my cigarettes. I look. I'm lighting the wrong end and it's smoking wrong. I say, "Hey, let's sail overland." We do. We're going on a dirt road. We meet up with that family again. I hear someone saying to the woman, "Oh Mr. XXX is here. Have you ever met him?" She and her son run to see Burt. He's in a tavern. A woman sort of pretty, shy, and he are hugging. Another woman, sophisticated, wearing black and red (saucy) cuts in. He likes them both. The first one feels put out but hangs in there. | 1FKA, 1MSA, 1FSA, 1MSA, 1ANI, 1FSA, 1FSA, 1FSA | SD D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0280 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-09 | F | YA | I am in Germany at a bus depot. I am trying to find out if I can get on a bus with my wheelchair. I know a few words in German "Was ist das?" etc. Didn't look too promising. Everyone is concerned because things weren't accessible. Then I'm in my green pickup. I think Howard, or another woman (myself), is with me. I suggest we get on a subway car and we talk about leaving the chair in the pickup. We're standing out on a sidewalk discussing ways and means. I notice we're standing in front of a hospital. I suggest we go in there, in case I start going into labor. We go in. The person with me is all excited and wants to check me right in. I get embarrassed and squat down beside him or her. I whisper, "Please don't. I've been thinking, I'm not even sure I'm pregnant." I look at my tummy and realize I'm not, and it would be embarrassing to get checked in for labor and I'm not even pregnant. My friend then goes in to talk to a doctor. Now I'm really embarrassed. She comes back and says, "The doctor wants to talk to you." Now I'm a little angry too. I decide to leave. I then see Andrea. I start to pat her on the arm and remember not to. I say, "Imagine seeing you here in a hospital in Germany." She looks at me like she doesn't know me and starts talking about where she might have met me. I just smile at her little joke, not completely sure it's a joke. | 2JSA, 1MKA, 1FSA, 1MOA, 1FKA | AP D, AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0281 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-12 | F | YA | There is a social gathering. A man (like Harrison Ford), comes in and talks to people. He sees 2 women and a girl and comes over and talks to them. He knows one woman. He talks and then meanders on to talk to others. The next night, the same thing. The one woman starts waiting for him, a budding romance. Then one night, she and her daughter are waiting for him and watch him come in to the party. He doesn't come over. The daughter makes a snide remark. The woman gets upset because he doesn't come over, so she gets up to leave. That will show him. She gets to the door, hoping he'll care enough to boogie over. He sees it and does come over. The woman is glad. Now we're at the race track; he's a jockey and he's good. He wins a race. The next race is won by another young man, a friend. After the race, I (the woman) walk and he follows after to talk. So does the cocky young kid that won. He's full of energy and still wants to race. My male friend says, "Wait." He goes and gets his horse, a spotted pinto and another one. I get up behind him and he leads the other horse, so I have one to ride later. We ride like the wind. I wrap my arms around him and hold on tightly. I like him and I think he likes me. We're doing this to help the kid because he has so much energy, he would get into trouble if we don't help him. After the race, we go to a fenced-in dirt area. I get off the horse and lay down, my head pillowed in the dirt. It's comfortable. We're laying around, talking. A plain clothes cop comes up and starts asking questions. What's our names, etc. He asks a woman her name and the names of her two children. She gives false names. He leaves. She explains why she did that. He comes back and asks my name. I think about lying but then decide to tell him the truth. I say, "Barb Sanders." He says, "What?" I repeat it, very calmly and sure of myself. He then arrests the kid. The other gal goes to the kid and says, "Tony, I love you." Harrison and I look at each other. I had thought Harrison loved her at the beginning. The kid is happy that she loves him. Harrison comes over to me and says, "Remember at the beginning? It was because I knew her that I talked with her. I love you." I feel happy. Now they're being taken off to Russia to work off their debt. I wait for him. Then there is a composite letter. It is started by a Russian. It goes to Harrison, then to Tony, and then to me and the other girl and the guy's dad. The Russian starts it. It is simple English. I am standing on farmland reading it. The father is a lawyer. I know that soon, I'll have Harrison home with me and love him. | 1MPA, 2JSA, 1FSA, 1MSA, 1ANI, 1MOA, 2ISA, 1FSA, 1MSA | HA 1MKA, AN 1FKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0282 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-12 | F | YA | I'm going to an open house of new rooms at the community college. 3 VR counselors are going to move on campus. Zach is there. I ask him who the 3 will be, wondering if Blake will be there. He won't. I exclaim on the ornate and lovely wood work, banisters, etc. I ask why the hall is so narrow. Even VR doesn't understand about architectural barriers! Mabel and I go out. She gets a key out and opens a cubby hole to get a vase for her office. I see doll houses in there. I want them 5-6-7. I say, "Hey, I could use one of those in my office," but I want the one in the library (it's big and beautiful). These are seconds that have been stored. I ask if my key will do the lock. Mabel says, "Yes." I try to lock it up. It won't lock. My key will open it, but it won't close it. Mabel and I laugh. We then go to her pickup truck to go to the the community college party at the XXX Inn. We drive and can't find it. I ask some boys and they say, "Through there," pointing to a warehouse. Mabel drives in. I walk in. I see rows and rows of farming equipment. I am sure the boys are wrong. I go back to the entrance to find Mabel. I find her. We see people in Halloween costumes going up a hill. She says, "Keep an eye on that one, and I'll follow this other one." I walk fast. I am annoyed that I have to walk so far. There are lots of stairs and hills, and my body will hurt and I won't be able to enjoy the dance. As I walk, I realize I don't hurt. I feel good. I'm in a shopping center. I go down a long flight of stairs. There are rows of socks for sale and I have to walk on them. I get to the XXX Inn. Some people are already there in costume. I have my costume on, my brocade coat, a purple shawl, and a pretty old fashioned dress. I walk without a cane or a limp. I want no one to know who I am so they'll talk about me and I'll hear what they really think of me. The party hasn't started yet. I see Ethan, and he's with his wife. He follows me around and watches me. I sing a song. My costume changes to a more revealing and younger costume. He and I are standing. He comes closer and closer as he talks. Then I'm sitting on his lap. He says, "My arms belong around you. I love you both," (meaning his wife too). He wants to kiss me and I'm drawn to him but move slowly. I also don't want to. As we walk I say, "People here don't give the disabled a chance to perform." He smiles and says, "Me too?" I say, "Yes." He says, "You aren't performing because you aren't good enough. You haven't matured." I feel hurt. I disagree. I say, "I didn't want to be a mistress." I get up and go to the dance floor. I start dancing to show him I could do it. A guy dances with me. I'm good and Ethan is impressed. The guy does a fancy step that involves dropping into a hole under a doll house. As part of the dance, I peek in and see him. I like the inside of the doll house. I want to go in too, so I drop into the hole and go inside. Ethan is somewhere watching me. | 2IOA, 1FKA, 1MKA, 2MSA, 2JSA | AN D, HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0283 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-13 | F | YA | I get 2 free coupons and I'm at the jewelry counter in a drug store. One is for 50 pounds of 50 shells (sea shells). The other is for a watch band. I have a $5 bill and a couple of ones. An old guy comes in, throwing money away. He's drunk or crazy. Others run and pick it up and encourage him. I stand at the counter and feel embarrassed. He gives me some coupons and some $l bills and a $5. I'm concerned that he shouldn't do that, he'll regret it later. Yet, I need the money so I just stand there. I push away the coupon and feel sad because I don't get much money. Finally, the woman at the counter comes to wait on me. She's harried because another person has a coupon for 50 shells and it's tedious work. The person has to sift through and pick out each one and then she has to examine each one because one might have gotten a valuable one and she's very conscientious. It's a family store. The drunk man turns into a Mickey Rooney type with a gun. He's going to rob the place. Now I stand a chance of loosing even the meager $8 I had of my own. I see watch bands and I'm looking for a cheap one that would fit a watch face I have at home. The guy is waving the gun around. The father of the family that owns the store tries to help the Mickey Rooney guy who is now a baby named Tom. He gets him pinned at the door. I run to a phone to call the police. The father says, "No, we're not going to call the police because I want this baby Tom to set things right and straighten out." At first I am worried; the father's really dumb and will lose. Then I see that Tom is touched by this and gives up his gun. Now Tom is a member of the family. A brother gives up and introduces himself to Tom, a smaltzy happy ending like in a Father Knows Best show. | 1MSA, 2ISA, 1FSA, 1MPA, 1MSA, 2MOA, 1MSA | AP D, SD D, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0284 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-13 | F | YA | Someone broke a leg, a girl. We needed to get her to a hospital room. A young man and I got her to a hospital room. I got her a pretty vase and filled it with champagne. I thought the young man gave her the champagne. He was being very supportive and then I went to tell the friends where she was. I find them, crowded in a room watching T.V. or something. They were supportive and gave me and the guy good food for free, like we could take it with us and save the price of an expensive meal. Then, I was on a boat trying to drive it. I'm going in circles. 2 big rocks and a road I narrowly miss. I was trying to sneak in where all the fancy ocean liners were. I snuck around narrowly missing the rocks and the road. It was pitch black outside. I stopped and looked around. I was surrounded by the beautiful lights of all these fancy ocean liners. I didn't want them to find out I was just a scow. There was something wrong with my engines. I tried to pull up to a side dock. A fancy ocean liner pulled up to assist. I tried to make light of it so they'd go away. They pulled a lever and my ship tipped on its side. They were going to look at my engine. I didn't want them to because then they'd know. The young man got a plum ball and checked the angle. I said, "45 degrees," but it was like 90. They discovered the fraud and I ran away. They yelled. Now I was going to sell papers to make some money. I got a bunch of newspapers and tried to get in a tree so people driving down the street could hear me. I used two white crutches (old fashioned y-shaped), to try and I got in the tree. I asked Zoe to hold it for me as they went sliding around. I got up there and yelled, "Papers! Get your paper here! 25 cents!" The name of the paper was La D. It was trashy (like the National Enquirer). People drove by. I was embarrassed but it was the only paper I had. A young man came over and looked up at me. He said, "I'll buy a paper." I feel glad and embarrassed. I liked him and didn't want to give him trash. I dug through my pile of newspapers; one had a hole in it. Another was missing a section. I looked for a nice one. I found one and saw it was a classy paper, like the Tribune, or something. I gave it to him. He said, "Here is 75 cents," and handed me lots of coins. I had 2 dimes in my hand all ready. I started to figure out the change. He softly said, "You don't owe me any change. It's O.K. I want you to look at me closely. When you grow up, we're going to be in love." It was a nice feeling. I looked at him. | 1FSA, 1MSA, 2JKA, 1MSA, 1MSA, 1MSA | AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0285 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-13 | F | YA | Ernie is in a car. I'm talking to him. We are parked in front of a house that sits between the old M City house and Dora's house. I see Mrs. XXX. I go to her old house to get something. I wish they'd move in again. Ernie drives me to my driveway. He says he'll come back and pick me up a little later. I gather up my things that are in a disorganized mess on the seat, papers, a T.V. guide, appointment book, etc. I start to walk toward the house. Someone comes out, a bad guy. He stops me. He has a small person on his back. He makes me the one that has to whip the little person to death. I am appalled. I'm being forced into it. A crowd gathers. I/Ernie slowly pick up the whip and I/Ernie get an idea. I/Ernie start beating the little person, so cleverly that the sting of the whip hurts the bad guy more. I move the whip to the back of the bad person's knees and whip and whip and whip until he drops. I am exhausted but proud of myself. I lift up Muffin Cat and say to the crowd, "I want you to meet the one who really did it," but the crowd isn't paying any attention. They are going to listen to a woman sing. I try to speak louder, but they don't pay attention. I pet Muffin Cat and say, "It's O.K. You did a good and clever thing." | 1MKA, 1MSA, 1ISC, 2JSA, 1ANI | CO D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0286 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-14 | F | YA | A friend and I were driving to R City. I was combing my hair. I was going to get married. I had impulsively decided to get married and I chose my brother Dwight. Somehow it was O.K. because the reason I was getting married was to keep other men away, so it wasn't incest because we wouldn't have relations sexually. I got to R City and I realized that I forgot to bring my wedding gown. I was embarrassed and felt badly. I called my parents and asked them to bring it down in time for the wedding. I felt badly about asking this favor of them. I could have remembered it in the first place. I always ask my parents to bail me out. I felt guilty. It then occurred to me that if I was getting married, they should want to be there, anyway. It occurred to me then that I was getting married to my brother, and I got cold feet. I got embarrassed. The reason I had earlier, didn't hold up now, and I felt appalled that I would consider incest. I was embarrassed. "What would people think?" I remembered that as a younger person, I had really thought it would be nice if I could marry Dwight. I felt repulsed by the idea now. | 1MKA, 2MSA, 2JKA | AP D, AP D, AP D, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0287 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-14 | F | YA | Darryl calls me up. He's sick and needs help. I tell him a friend is coming to him right now. We talk. I then remember to ask him, almost as an after thought, "Should I send an ambulance?" He says, "Yes." I ask directions to his house. He says, "Up the hill, turn right on the electronics side of the building." I say, "Don't worry, it's on its way." I get in my pickup truck and drive to the hospital to meet him. I get there. Chuck drives himself to the hospital in a bright red VW bug. He looks sheepish because he didn't wait for the ambulance. We are leaning out of our car windows talking. He says he used to work for an ambulance and therefore was embarrassed to use it. He looks for a place to park. I realize I'm in his parking space but don't move. A car in front of me leaves and he parks there. | 1MKA, 1IKA, 1MKA | AP 1MKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0288 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-14 | F | YA | I think it's time to wake up and go to school (high school). I get up, embarrassed and sleepy. I'm late, so I hurry. Then on my way to school, I wake up again to discover that I had been crawling on my belly to school sound asleep. I hear a Dixieland Jazz band with a good thumping bass. I look up and see dial-a-bus drivers marching down the street like a parade. I hear Herman saying that he can play good bass and if they'd liven up the music, he'd play for them. They politely smile and keep on going. He's too hippie for them. I look at my watch and I see that it is 3:20 a.m. No wonder I'm so sleepy! I can't believe it. Here I am at the entrance to school, not dressed (in my pj's). I see others dressed and going to class so I figure my watch must be wrong. I look at a clock at the school. It says 4:00 a.m. I think, "How weird. Usually it's 3:30 or 4:00 p.m. when I go home and here I am going to school at the same time only a.m." I go down the hall. A girl (Anita) goes by. I ask her the time. She says, "ll:00." Now I'm late and have missed my first class and a half! I feel confused and silly. I tell her what I had done. We go into the bathroom. I decide to take a bath. I get in the bathtub and realize that I had not bothered to take my clothes off! I had started to pull my jeans down but there I am, shoes and all soaking wet. I am amazed at myself and call Anita over and exclaim, "I'm so sleepy I didn't even take my clothes off. Now how am I going to go to class? I don't have any other clothes." She says, "Don't worry. There's always some clothes laying around in a suit case. We'll find something." Then I see some dresses and shirts of mine and I say, "Oh ya, I forgot. Here's some of my clothes I've left here before." I feel embarrassed because if I'd been thinking clearly, I'd have known that and she wouldn't be helping me. I'm still standing in the bathtub. I pull the plug to let the water drain. I see that I've had a bowel movement and I'm embarrassed. A laundry basket with clothes and towels is in the tub with me. I'm still standing. I'm tired of standing and I resent the fact that I didn't get to take a relaxing bath. I start to fold clothes. Anita is helping me. She sees the bowel movement and looks embarrassed. She says, "Don't worry, I'll clean it up," but I can see she doesn't want to. I say, "No, I'll do it." I scoop it out into the toilet and see french fries and fish sticks floating around also. I scoop them out too. I'm glad I took care of it myself and didn't let her do it for me (Anita sometimes reminds me of mother and sometimes reminds me of me.) | 2JOA, 1MKA, 2JSA, 1FKA | CO D, CO D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0289 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-14 | F | YA | We're making a 60 second T.V. public anouncement. Donald Duck and I and some other people (men, one black, one white). It is humorous. We laugh and enjoy as we creatively think it up and then act it and then play it back. First, I draw a tracing of Donald Duck for the camera. Then, the men play Donald Duck when the shots involve not seeing the face (stand-ins), one in a tuxedo. Donald Duck picks up a bra made out of 2 top hats and holds them up to his chest. I'm in a cage playing my baby banjo while Donald Duck drives a broom around the outside of the cage and the person in the tux drives a motorcycle. I'm tracing Donald Duck's webbed feet. Now his body is the coast and a technical decision has to be made about how to differentiate the fish in the ocean from his body. Donald Duck is highly dramatic lamenting that he's not unique. He's not the only "genius" or genus species to cry. I'm trying to trace the leg of Donald Duck and I need to connect Route 66 with Centennial Blvd. I make a mis-tracing, but then I figure it out. | 5MPA, 2MSA, 1ISA, 2ANI | HA 1FKA+D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0290 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-14 | F | YA | Repetitious singing, it's not good or correct but that's O.K. because I'm working through something. It's necessary to go through this step. I tell myself I've already written this dream down (I realize after I wake up, that I hadn't). | null | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0291 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-14 | F | YA | An image of me, shaped like a sack of dry cat food or kitty litter, sitting in a shopping basket/cart. Someone is pushing me around. | 1ISA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0292 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-15 | F | YA | Dylan helps me. I am confused. He walks me to Andrea's office. She shows me her pet, sort of like an alligator. I back away from it. Then I look for Dylan. He's fast asleep laying on top of the alligator! I think, "Oh, he must be so tired. I won't wake him," but I hope he wakes up. He does. A client comes in all confused. We deal with her. I talk to the C. dept. I want it to shape up. I walked barefooted. I remember being surprised that I can do it. No pain. | 1MKA, 1FKA, 1ANI, 1FSA, 2IOA | CO D, CO D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0293 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-16 | F | YA | It's a hot day. I'm traveling through hot and dusty lands. There are lots of steep hills. I see a river. I take all may clothes off and get in the river and swim up stream. The current gets faster and harder. The water boils around. I go around a corner and see a huge waterfall. It looks like thick plastic. I feel stopped. I struggle to the side bank and sit on the rocks. I hide myself because I'm naked. I call out to Dwight to help me. I exclaim about the waterfall. He comes and looks at it. I ask him, "What are we going to do?" He goes to investigate. Then, I have to cook a dinner for a very authoritarian dad. Dwight gives me directions. I resent having to do things the way the dad dictates. Dad apparently told Dwight and Dwight told me. A younger sister questioned if she could go to store to get milk and we all gasp at her because dad would be angry if he heard her innocently talk about buying impulsively. One waits for sales and buys in weekly or monthly lots to save money. I open a drawer. I find lots and lots of spaghetti noodles. I am going to peel potatoes and look for some fresh potatoes. All I find are rotten old ones. I feel angry and resentful. I look out the window. I see a lighthouse. It is short and fat. I say, "Oh, has it the old lantern in it?" I then laugh and answer myself, "Probably not. They aren't used anywhere any more. It's a shame." Some man is watching us. I plop the dishes on the table, 3 plates. One for dad, one for Lydia, and one for myself. We sit at a huge table. Dwight sits where dad should be. I look startled and then see he's sitting next to dad's place. My plate is accidently too close to dad's plate. I get angry and grab it and move it to my place. The man watches. It's like I'm temperamental and capable of standing up to this dad and he's curious if I'm going to blow up or if I'll just keep all that resentment inside. I feel fake nonchalance. I grumble and say smart things but I don't directly blow up. I feel close to it. | 1MKA, 1FKA, 1MSA, 1MSA | AN D, AN D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0294 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-16 | F | YA | Eating dinner at M City house. I'm eating a hot dog. My father yells at me to sit down and eat right. I am standing and freeze mid-bite. I refuse to knuckle under. He says, "If you plan on living here, you'd better do as you're told." I just glare at him and take another bite. Then I get up, go upstairs, pack some things into a few boxes, and stalk out of the house. I am righteous. He's amused; he thinks I'll be back soon. I'm scared. I have no money, no place to go, and I have heavy boxes, but I am determined. I see a motel. Some guy comes out of a room and sees me. He says, "Running away, eh? Well, I'm leaving for the night. You can sleep here." I'm tempted but decide not to because I could get caught if they get a new customer for the room. I go down the elevator. I feel brave because they might ask me what I'm going there. I see the word "lights" in the elevator. I walk all night, carrying my boxes of things. The next day is a school day (M City High). Apparently, I remember I have a car. I put my things in the car and go to school. I get a newspaper between classes to look for a place to stay. | 1MKA, 1MSA, 2ISA | AP D, HA 1MKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0295 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-17 | F | YA | I'm in a hospital elevator. A woman nurse puts on a helmet like she's walking into a spaceship. There are lots of beds in a row. I'm in one of the beds. I have to go to the bathroom. I get up and slowly walk down some stairs to the toilet. A girl friend helps me down the stairs and then rushes in to use the toilet first. I am annoyed and think she's rude. I stand there feeling tired and needing to go to the bathroom. I remark that I walked all that way barefooted. Then I go in. I go and go. It's painful and I think, "Oh no, I have a bladder infection. It's just starting. I'll have to take my medicine again." I walk back to my bed. Desmond comes in. I see him and feel shy. We used to be lovers and it's been a long time. I get up and light a candle on the dresser across the room. He sits on my bed. I walk back and sit on the bed. I try to get comfortable. I'm wearing a red shorty nightgown. I am aware of his eyes. I know he'd like to get back together again (like Elliot). Every position I get into looks inviting or sexy. He changes his position too. We get closer and closer. A T.V. is on. We both move to watch the T.V. Now we are very close. His shirt is off. He has beautiful golden soft skin. I want to caress it. I'm laying very close to him. He says, "I see your candle. Is it the one I gave you?" I look at it. It's a beautiful candle, a soft fragrance, pretty color, with lovely colored flames. I say, "No I burned your candle. It's all gone. But I got this one because it's like your candle and I liked it." I am embarrassed because I am indirectly telling him I like him. He starts talking about the old days, when we were together. I feel drawn to him. It's very sensual. He says, "I smell something burning." I look. There are 3 candles burning. One, his candle, is near something and I go over to look. A plant is too close to the candle, and a bud is on fire. I pull it away and put out the flame. Most of the plant falls off. I exclaim, "Look how it's grown. I got this plant this evening. It just had a few shoots and now there are long shoots and 2 or 3 buds." I feel sad that it's burnt and broken, but I feel O.K. because it grows fast and will regrow new buds. In a way, it's like it's been pruned and will regrow faster. I blow out all three candles and get back in bed with Paul. | 1FOA, 1FKA, 1MKA | AN D, AP D, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0296 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-17 | F | YA | I sitting in a pickup truck on the passenger side. I park near a side walk. Lots of people are parking around me, like we're camping together. A man is angry at me because he parked in that spot before. Then a Japanese man hops in and says he'll help me and now I'm being driven in their station wagon to another spot and I will be with their family, wife, and kids. I don't like that. I want to be alone for awhile. I hesitate and then say, "I'm sorry but could you drive me back to that spot where I was, before someone else gets it. It's important for me to be alone." They look annoyed, but comply. I assure them I'll be all right. I can sleep on the seat if I get tired and the kids can be in the back if they want. The angry young man walks by with his nose in the air. He makes a snide remark. I make a sarcastic remark back. He's angry at me for wanting to be alone. He's like Ashton at uni house. | 2JSA, 1MEA, 2JSA, 1FSA, 1MKA | AN 1MKA, AN 1MKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0297 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-18 | F | YA | I'm hitch hiking walking back home. I'm on the old highway from N City to M City. When I get to M City, I pick up my van with a wheelchair and drive back to E City. I am really stubborn. I want to walk it. I'm in the fast lane walking, and I decide to go on the side of the road so cars won't run over me. I look over my shoulder several times to see if cars are coming, and then I get on the side of the road. I'm walking fast and I'm hugging the side of the road so I won't get run over. I walk on wooden boards that are attached to chicken houses. It gets real narrow. I have to watch my footing. The chickens are mean. Some bite and I get scared. As I squeeze through near the ones that bite, I whimper and say, "Don't bite." They do a little but I get by. Now I'm on a second story level. I have to move a row of black animals to get to the edge to jump off to get back on the road. I pick up a puppy, a cat, a chicken, etc. and move them. A boy in a cage sees what I'm doing and verbally gives me encouragement. I feel an urgency to escape. I hop down and land in a dishwasher. I try to be quiet. For some reason that puzzles me. I pick up 4 plates, a sugar bowl and its lid. They are white and purple Melmac just like the set I had when I first married. I pick up a towel with holes to cover it up and I start walking. The young, angry, unhappy wife suspects I've taken her dishes and starts to follow me. I try to hide the dishes in the towel but they are awkward and keep slipping and showing through the hole. She gets in her car and tells her husband she's going to follow me to get to the bottom of this. He gently tries to dissuade her. He's on my side. She says, "No," and comes after me. He tells her as an aside that I'm usually in a wheelchair. She doesn't believe it. She asks me belligerently, "Are you usually in a wheelchair?" I say, "Yes, it's in M City. I'm walking to M City where I can pick up my van with a lift and my wheelchair." She is sitting on a chair mounted on the hood of the car and contemptuously offers me a ride to my van. I get stubborn. I don't want to be near her because she'll see the dishes and ask about them. For some reason it's important to walk to M City. I tell her, "I want to walk." I do. She's really angry and follows me. Her kind and patient husband comes along. I am stopped at a swimming pool along the road. All persons must swim before they are allowed through this small town and pay the price of admission. I am annoyed. Captain James T. Kirk is the mayor. I tell him, "I can't swim." He says, "No problem, just wade barefoot in a small pool and I'll let you go on." I clutch my dishes which rattle and keep slipping. I look at the pool. The incline to get to the pool is long and steep. I snort indignantly that I can't walk that steep an incline because of my ankles. He thinks for a moment. He says, "There is another alternative," and goes to his book of city ordinances. It is thick and has tabs with city ordinance #'s. When he opens it up to the one he wants, I look over his shoulder and see it's handwritten and the only one there. He obviously writes the rules as he sees fit, a very shady operation. He sees that the alternative is to go to a meeting of the Ladies Mayhem Society. l The dues are $50. I only have to pay $45 on account of I've already paid $5 for the swimming ticket. I prudently agree. I know I'm being cheated but I want out of there to get away from that angry wife and to get to M City, back on my journey. I think about dumping the dishes but I stubbornly refuse even though I'd be more comfortable without them. I have no use for them anyway. I go on. She follows me. The husband gives me a nice towel with no holes to better conceal the dishes. | 2ANI, 1FSA, 2ANI, 1MSA, 1MKA | AP D, AN 1MKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0298 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-18 | F | YA | A feeling of 3 parts of my "soul" or "mind." I'm in the 2nd part and it's good that I'm there. | null | HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0299 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-18 | F | YA | I'm in bed. Ginny comes and lays down next to me. She says, "Is it alright?" I feel unsure but trusting because we're friends. Then she pats her chest and says, "Here, lay your head on me." I do and she puts her arms around me. It feels very comfortable and safe. I really enjoy it and then I feel very sexually excited. It seems O.K. Then Ernie is there. Ginny and I grudgingly move apart. I want Ernie to go away so I can enjoy Ginny. Then Ginny is married to my cousin Terence. I think, "That's really strange because they are so opposite." She is unhappy. She's now my cousin-in-law. Ernie follows us sadly. Ginny and I are sitting next to each other. She's sadly telling me how he doesn't want her to work. He wants her home being a good housewife. I start to explain that his mother, my Aunt Camille, is an old-fashioned woman. I look up and see Uncle Lionel glaring at me. Other male relatives are sitting in a semi-circle. I still tell the truth but make it sound nicer. Instead of using a tone of voice that is putting her down, I speak softly and loving about how she was just brought up to believe a woman's place is in the home and taught Terence that women are supposed to be in the home. I say, "He won't change." She (Ginny), agrees. I follow her down the sidewalk; her two sons are with her. I think, "They are Ernie's boys. She didn't have any children with Terence." Then, she and I decide to fly away and leave them all. We struggle and struggle, flapping our arms. We can't seem to fly and I almost give up, but lots of men are around and they are an ugly crowd. Now there are 3 of us women trying to fly away. We make a gigantic effort and we start flying. At first, we're as high as the wires and stop and duck that. Then we hit some updraft and flow up into the sky. Soon we are smoothly gliding up and up and don't have to flap our arms. I am concerned because they can shoot at us, so we go as high and as far as we can. We realize that we'll have to hide now. We look for a mountain cabin. We find one. It's a motel. We have no money, no food. We think about ways we can get money. We decide the only way is to be prostitutes. We lure 3 guys in 3 cars to us. I have 3 men in my car, 2 standing and one laying down in the trunk. I sit on top of him. I'm so good that he has orgasm in just a few seconds. I feel a sense of accomplishment. I'm a good prostitute. One of the guys standing hands me $15. I say, "No, I said $50 to $100." He says, "Take it or leave it sister," and sneers. I feel calm. I stand up and put my hands on my hips like Wonder Woman and use my mind power. Their wallets float to me. They look flabbergasted. I smile. I look over at the other two cars. They have done the same. We have lots of money now and we fly away. We go to a mountain resort. We figure we're safe if we go in and register separately as no one knows what we really look like and our wings don't show. The third woman is a platinum blonde. We meet in the restaurant and "make acquaintance." I am looking forward to when we can go to the hotel room where we can be ourselves and not play act. | 1FKA, 1MKA, 1MKA, 1FKA, 2MSA, 2MSA | HA D, SD D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0300 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-19 | F | YA | I'm making love with Nate. We roll off the bed onto the floor. He says, "Here, I'll make you feel good and then you can make me feel good." I hesitate because it would be nice to do it altogether, but I get caught up in feeling good. He makes love to me but doesn't enter me, just almost. 3 or 4 people come walking in. I am surprised and then annoyed. I had let one of them live in my house but now his family and friends have taken over. I say, "Hey, this is my home." I get up and ask them to go outside and then feel good that I was assertive. | 1MKA, 2JSA, 1ISA, 2JSA | CO D, AN D, HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0301 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-20 | F | YA | I wanted a pen-pal. I'm in a living room. I use the phone and call long distance to Canada. We talk about the Queen. | 1FPA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0302 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-20 | F | YA | I am dressed as a young boy/man, but I'm a woman. I am in disguise. It's 1800's. A man sees me and seems to take me under his wing. He is quiet, strong and watchful. He knows I'm masquerading and is intrigued by me. There are some ruffians and he saves me from them and suggests I travel with him. I go to get my worldly possessions. I live in an attic room of a big tall building. I go up many flights of stairs. As I am running up the stairs, I feel a mild earthquake. I mutter over and over, "The bricks, the bricks on the roof." I am afraid. Apparently my father or some man had been killed by bricks falling off the roof. We get to the roof. I see bricks falling and a man falling. I grab my duffle bag of clothes and run down the flights of stairs. Out on the street, we get on horses to ride away. This man feels empathy for me and will protect me. [BL] | 1MSA, 2MOA, 1MSA, 1MSA, 2ANI | AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0303 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-20 | F | YA | A crowd is gathered. I think we are in Germany. A blind man is trying to show the crowd awards and grants of money our disabled community received for the cause. He unfolds one award and I see the "blue y" raised "$400." The crowd is very impressed. Then the man takes his briefcase with the awards in it and throws it suddenly in a chute. The crowd gasps. He says, "It's worthless. It won't help. What we need to do is march on the president's house, president of a college. I go with him. Most of the crowd goes away. Some follow us. It's dark, so he leads me. We both have canes to feel for holes in the ground as my feet are tender (the ankles). We go to the president's house, passing houses where lesser officials live. We interrupt dinner and present our case. | 2JSA, 1MSA, 2JSA | CO 2JSA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0304 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-20 | F | YA | Same house. I am a detective. A woman (me), is terrified. Something is out to get her. She lays on a bed and hears vampires and werewolves hissing and growling in the room. She's afraid to look. Then they go away. She accuses the detective of being a bad guy as he left for a time and could have been the one to hurt her. She calls in some high official/father. The detective (me), denies the accusations and knows that she's really the "bad guy" out to get herself and try to explain it to her. She is actually hurting me with her accusations. | 1FSA, 2ANI, 1MOA | AP 1MKA, AP 1FKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0305 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-21 | F | YA | I get a call from Jamie. He asks me to move in and be his roommate for awhile. It helps to meet expenses and he needs me there so he won't look homosexual. He's an old friend, so I agree. I come to his apartment. I think about sleeping with his homosexual friends and getting our picture taken so they can have "proof" they aren't homosexual. I think, "It would be fun and a nice thing to do." Then I think, "Would the police believe a picture of two people making love was just a snapshot of daily activities? I mean, how many people have pictures taken of themselves making love? It would look suspicious." I call out to Jamie. He's in another room. He says, "Make yourself comfortable. Be with you in a minute." I decide I'm tired and look for the bedroom. I find his bedroom. It's lovely, a large king size bed, and a lovely window with a view. It's a nice apartment, so I unpack a few things. I put Muffin Cat down. I put my dream book and ink pen down (that writes blue and that I got at the conference in October). I put on my nighty (the maroon one), and get in bed. As I get comfortable, I begin to feel unsure. "Maybe he didn't want me in his bed. Maybe he has a second bedroom. Will he smell the fact that I'm on my period? Will I stain the sheets? What if I want to masturbate?" Jamie comes in the room. I sit up and say, "Maybe you want me to sleep somewhere else? It's O.K. My feelings won't be hurt. Just tell me what you had in mind." He says, "Ah, actually I'd rather you sleep in the other room." I say, O.K." I'm a little embarrassed but I feel O.K. about it. I then remember my dream book. I pick up the ink pen and look for the book. I would be embarrassed if he found it, especially if he read about the homosexual worries. I find it in the covers, near him. I pick it up and then gather my few clothes etc., and Muffin Cat. I follow him out the corridor. He points to a room. He has a funny smile on his face, like he's playing a mean joke. I go into the room to find myself in a huge dormitory ward, like destitute people in a hospital ward. A woman greets me. I see all these poor people and smell the hospital. I say to the woman, "There's a mistake. I won't sleep in here," and I go back to the door. I see Jamie in his bathrobe, sheepishly waiting for me. I say, "Very funny." We walk down the corridor. It's the outside of the apartment complex. To the left are stairs to apartment doors. To the right is a huge swimming pool. The outdoor safe tables, round and metal, are also in the pool, under water. I look at the pool and think, "How nice. After I get moved in, I'd like to swim." I think it is cold for the tables to be underwater. Then I notice Jamie is gone. He's gone back to the apartment and left me out there in the dark, in my nighty, with all my clothes in a sack. I yell, "Jamie, Jamie!" I am angry but I still care about him as a friend. He appears at an upstairs door and looks sheepishly. I tell him I don't appreciate the way he's behaving, leaving me in the dark and etc. I say, "Which one is your apartment?" He points and I start to walk up the stairs. The wooden stairs give way. The stairs were a rope, wood ladder and the rope snapped. I land, unhurt but shaken. He laughs. I say, "Now how am I going to get up there?" He points to the stairs next to his, his neighbors. He comes down to walk up with me. He is concerned now. He goes up the stairs. I start up the stairs. I get nearly to the top and then I see the rope start to go. I look up at Jamie and the stairs tilt. I am very annoyed at him. I grab the ladder and we fall. I realize that if I don't scramble up the ladder as it falls, I'll be hurt because it's a long way down. I scramble and end up inches form the ground, unhurt. Jamie growls at the landlord's apartment. He doesn't like him (because Jamie is a homo) and looks for the maintenance person. He comes out and looks at the situation. 2 women tenants come out and look at the situation. I see a third stairway I could use to get to Jamie's apartment but I think, "Huh! I'm getting a message here. 3rd time, the charm! There's some reason why I shouldn't go to Jamie's apartment. He obviously doesn't want me." Still, I wait for the maintenance man to fix the stairs. He's grumpy. He doesn't want to do it. The 2 women want the pinball or T.V. games hooked up. He shows them how to do it so they can do it themselves next time and not bother him. I say, "Well, that's all very interesting but it's not getting me anywhere." The maintenance man looks at the landlord's apartment and glares. He mutters that he wishes he'd get home, and slowly sets about fixing the stairs. I comment, "I don't like standing around in my underwear." Jamie laughs (embarrassed), and brags like a teenager, does an "embarrassed shuffle" with his body and says, "I have 100, or actually 83 pairs of underpants that were given to me," like presents from admiring men. I make a sarcastic comment. (Earlier in the dream, I wondered why I left my nice house to go with Jamie. I missed my house but felt I was doing Jamie a favor. It would also save us both money. Jamie laughed and said a joke about me paying our way and I said no, "We both pay half." Then I asked if it was O.K. to have Muffin Cat. Jamie said, "Oh, I guess it's O.K. but you'll have to pay a $50 deposit). | 1MKA, 2MSA, 1ANI | AP D, AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0306 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-22 | F | YA | I am ironing. My mother is talking to me. She's preparing me for a difficult counseling session. She's annoyed with me because I'm not seeming to prepare as hard or as well as I should. This session is important. It could be dangerous. Some kind of mind games with a powerful older man. I must shift my thoughts and gain access to his. I then see the word "E K CanKar," a store on XXXth and XXX. Something about psychic power. I didn't know that's what the store sold. I'm now interested. Before I figured it was just weird. My cousin Abner, a cardinal, comes to the door. I see him (glass door). He pauses with his hands on the door knob and starts to cry. I am the pope and I go to him. We kneel on the porch outside the door and we say latin things and pray. I am blessing him and helping him to get through that door. | 1FKA, 1MSA, 1MKA, 1MPA | AN 1MKA, SD 1MKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0307 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-23 | F | YA | I was camping somewhere. I got up and took my pills. I was talking with my mother and Dwight. I then decided to take my pills. I did so. Then I realized with panic that I had taken them twice. At first I thought, "Oh well. I'll be O.K.," but the panic rose and I got up to find a phone to call doctor A. My cousin Willie laughed at me and told my mother and Dwight that I was going to call the doctor. They laughed too. I was very angry and I yelled, "You can just fuck off." My mother said, "What did I say?" Willie or Dwight repeated it. Now I was embarrassed and angry at the same time. I tried to find a phone. I was on a street where there were lots of stores. I realized that I was in M City. I looked at people's faces hoping I might recognize people I went to high school with. I found a phone on the outside of a store. I noticed I was close to my cousin Terence's bicycle shop. I thought, "I guess I'll drop in and say hi after I call doctor A." I looked in my purse for my address book. It was a loose leaf and the pages had gotten loose. I was struggling trying to find doctor A's number. A line of people were standing behind me. I saw two couples that were going together in high school and seemed to be still happy together. I said, "I know you but I can't remember your names." One said, "XXX" and the other said, "XXX." The girls said her name. I took off my sun glasses and said, "I'm Barb Sanders." I took the glasses off again. I was aware of wrinkles around my eyes. They vaguely remembered me. As we were talking, I became aware that I was taking too long and so I offered the phone to the man waiting in line, if it were a quick call. He said, "No, it's O.K. I'll wait." A woman started to help me find doctor A's #. I looked at her and said, "Hey! Hi!" I was glad to see her. I pronounce her name oddly (she was not the one I thought she was). | 1FKA, 1MKA, 1FKA, 2JSA, 1MKA, 1FSA, 1FSA | AP D, AN D, HA D, HA 1FKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0308 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-24 | F | YA | I am in a room with 3 other women. I'm tired. It's late at night. I sit in a woman's lap. We are wearing costumes of some kind. She has her arms around me and kisses me. She tries to "French kiss" me. At first, I don't let her. Then I do. It's not a French kiss, like with tongues. It's like touching the core of something. The lips, a regular kiss, were there and in the center, like in the center of a flower, was a moist, tender, very sensitive to feeling something. We touched "cores." I felt slightly repelled but allowed it to happen. Something in my mind was assuring me this is O.K. It's always been forbidden but now it is O.K. and nice to do. It is important to do. She holds me in a caring way. Another woman is in a closet, sort of narrating thoughts. A slide show is happening. Lots more happened but it escapes me. | 2FSA, 1FSA, 1FSA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0309 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-24 | F | YA | Maggie and I are somewhere. On our way out, we see a table with piles of books on it. I am interested. Maggie says, "If you're interested, you can take what you want because they were review copies sent to the newspaper." I get up on the table which is now a room with shelves and knick knacks on it. A man, tired, comes by and confirms that we can take what we want. They are of no use to the newspaper. I see miniature doll house furniture, a ceramic persian cat with blue flowers, glassware that is beautiful and a candy dish. I am putting the ones I want in a spot on the floor. Maggie is busy doing the same. Her daughter is with her, sitting and watching. Maggie says, "I feel so young and happy again. It's been so long." Then a grouchy old lady comes by and says that there is a test we have to complete with a fee of $350 + $100. She has a small metal and glass devise. I say, "What?" Then I realize it's a $5 fee. I nod and go on looking at things. I say to Maggie, "I think she'll make us pay. I wish that guy were still here." Maggie says, "Don't worry about it." I ask her what she's found. She points to a red satin with fringe abbreviated outfit. I say, "You sure do feel young and happy." I then start looking on the shelves that she's at. I see beautiful candle holders. Maggie says, "Oh no! Those are mine." I grimace and say, "Are you sure? They sure are pretty." I feel a little envious and then keep looking. I see a scale. I play with it. It breaks open and cookies are there. Maggie gives me a look like, "Now see what you've done." I shrug innocently. "Are those cookies?," I ask her. She nods yes like she's dealing with an idiot and looks over her shoulder, warning me to be quiet so her daughter won't hear. Then I feel something between my teeth. I pull at it. It's a long string of thin pork fat. I pull and pull and it keeps coming. I can taste the pork flavor. I am a little embarrassed and wish it would get out of my teeth. I look over at the daughter. She's doing the same thing, so I don't feel so bad. Finally, I get it all out. I look at things some more. I comment that the woman is still watching and ask again "Are you sure these are free?" I'm just sure they aren't. | 1FKA, 1MSA, 1FSA, 1FSA | HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0310 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-24 | F | YA | A group of women puppeteers come by and give a puppet show. It is fun to watch. There is a story about a little girl who went away from her parents and no one could understand why she wouldn't go back. I watch the show and then in payment, I give them my old children's books which they auction off. Ethan buys them. He asks a bunch of dumb questions about which books he has, "And don't I have two copies of Robinson Caruso?" I think, "Well of course, dummy." I am annoyed at his snotty attitude. They were my books and I feel a tinge of regret giving them up. I look in one book and I see a film where Ethan plays a detective. I laugh and say to Ethan standing next to me, "It's so funny. He was my director and all he can do is that one thing and that not so well, anyway." I pick up a book with a gold lame cloth removable cover, to adjust it. One corner, like a corner on a bottom fitted sheet, has come off. I pull it and a picture of a little girl who moves and talks is on the book. As I pull her, she's moving to the edge of the book. She says something about how nice it would be to go back to her parents, or something. I sit on the bed. It's hard to leave my books. A young boy/man grabs my arm and talks incessantly. I yell and kick my feet like a tantrum and say, "Leave me alone. I don't want to talk to you people any more." Some older man pulls him away and says, "Leave her alone, now." | 2FOA, 1ISC, 1MKA, 1MSA, 1MSA | AN D, SD D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0311 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-24 | F | YA | A tall young good-looking guy is teasing me. There's an older couple and a 2 year old baby boy. We're in an old-fashioned house. I buy a pair of underpants. The young man playfully puts his hand to feel the underpants. He exclaims, "Ooh, she has on 'seven's'," a name brand of a sexy pair of pants that has a funnel opening where the crotch is. I'm embarrassed and tell him to shush. He and the older man tease me. They say they are going to order some "patties," those are girls that come and help you in your old age. The older couple likes the room downstairs and they go to bed. I hear the baby crying upstairs. I think, "Oh, that's how it is in an old house." It sounds carry. I go upstairs. The young man follows me. To the left of the stairs is a bedroom. It's like an open landing with a bed on it. I lay down. He wants to make love to me. I say, "Why don't you call your pattie." He says, "No, that's for when we're old." I look up at the ceiling. There are rows and rows of beautiful, old-fashioned night tables. Some have kerosene lamps on them. Some have baskets on them. They are all different sizes. I exclaim, "How do they stay up there?!" Why would they (the older couple), have put them up there? It seems an odd sort of thing to put on their ceiling over the bed. The young man continues to pursue. I say, "Not here! The doors are open. If they decide to come up the stairs, we'd get caught!" Then he starts showing me many professional photographs of brides. There are beautiful dresses and veils. One catches my eye. It's an actress from maybe the 1930's or 1940's. She's trying on a dress and her eyes glisten with tears. The dress isn't right on her and she really likes it. It's black, lacy and sexy. The young man is getting annoyed with me. He's been very persistent and I'm not paying much attention to him. Nevertheless, there is some bond between us. We laugh and like each other. | 1MSA, 1MSC, 2FSA, 1FPA, 1FPA | AP D, AN 1FKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0312 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-25 | F | YA | I'm in some strange place, like a carnival or a party. There are lots of people. Tricks are played on me. Some of them have dangerous overtones. Some are just in bad taste. I'm in a crowd. Some man and his son are giving me an award. It's a trick cup. The milk spills out of a hole in the bottom onto the table. The son gives me one of his favorite toys, out of 4. I am with my daughter Dovre. We are on a patio. A maroon cloth thing comes out of a hole in a wall. It's a stuffed woman. Her face is set in fake interest. There is a feeling of danger. I sneak away from her. I'm in the bathroom. A woman walks in to help move things around to make it more convenient for me. However, she fixes it so that the scales are near me and the toilet paper is out of reach. I get up to pull my undies up. They are hard to pull up, like a wet bathing suit. Some men wander through and I walk around, pulling my pants up. Some people are shocked, but I feel, "Ha! Serves 'em right if they are going to be where they aren't supposed to be." At one point, I need to escape. I attempt to fly. I struggle and don't get very high. There are tigers clawing up at me and I just barely stay out of their reach. Then I'm looking for a car to leave in. I'm in a parking lot. I see 2 young women/girls. I think one is Dovre. They are in a beautiful, grey, old time car. They say, "Here, you can take this one." I'm very pleased. I say, "Ooh! I can take topa or topaz? Oh, thank you." I stand on her running board and hug her (the car), and feel privileged. | 2JSA, 1MSA, 1FSA, 1MSA, 2ANI, 2FSA, 2ANI | HA D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0313 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-26 | F | YA | The M City house. 3 or 4 a.m. It's dark. There's going to be a party but somehow I'm not prepared. It's dark. I'm waiting for people to come. Parents don't approve. | 2JSA, 2JKA | null |
b | Barb Sanders | 0314 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-26 | F | YA | Arvonne, Maggie, and I are going to Veneta. We're on a motorcycle. We're almost out of gas. We're going to see a wheelchair basketball game. We're late, but if we hurry, whomever we're going to interview will still be there. It's getting dark. We're all three on the motorcycle. Arvonne is in front steering, I'm next using my legs to help us maintain balance. I say, "Look for a Mobil Station. We can put in $5 worth. We don't have time to fill up both tanks." We see a station and pull in. A grungy old man comes out and fills up one tank. Arvonne hands me 5 one dollar bills, so I won't have to put it on the credit card, which takes more time. Then it's my turn to drive. We're on a heavy and powerful machine. As we start to go, Arvonne says, "Wish we had time to get a beer." The man yells at us (as we're leaving), "I've got something." We stop. We're on a dirt, woodsy road and we look up the hill at him. He's offering us cans of lethal stuff, gasoline, lighter fluid, and says, "It has an alcohol content." We could get that. We look at each other, realizing he's offering us poison and politely say, "No thank you," and leave. We realize a cop is near, and as we are rebels and might get stopped, we walk the motorcycle to the street without starting the engine. It's hard to do. I'm the only one with working legs. I watch the traffic so we can pull in without getting run over. We try to get the motor started and finally, it powerfully kicks over. Then I see a car stopped in front of us. Some one has hit a beautiful dog, a golden animal. I feel sorry for it. I comment that it's not ours. We go around. The road is now covered with ground up crackers and it's very hard to get up the hill! We start to lug down and spin our wheels. Some janitor is at the top of the hill cleaning up the halls of a school. We get to the halls and start to drive. A door is there. We can go out where there's barbed wire or sneak through a locked door. A woman teacher (young), hears us talking about needing to get to the summer activities. George is pointing them out and how we'll sneak through the federal door. She looks disapprovingly. I assure her we won't do that. She offers to show us how to get through the barbed wire back to the road. We carefully step over the wire. She points to a device that tracks and shoots our laser beams to deter unauthorized persons. She says, "It doesn't work," and if we use caution, we can get through unhurt. I point out to her that I see a laser beam. It's slow and misses its mark. Then we sneak past it and go on. | 1FKA, 1FKA, 1MSA, 1ANI, 1MOA | SD D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0315 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-26 | F | YA | Peter M, who is not in his chair, Maggie and I are meeting to work out something about my book. He seems distant and to the point. Like, "Let's get this business taken care of. I need to get going." I talk about the things I want to do with the book. Peter M seems on edge. I try to hurry so he can leave. Maggie leaves. I'm sitting on the floor leaning on big pillows. Peter M is nervously pacing. He walks up close to me, squats down to be on eye level to talk, and then bounces up again. I wanted him to stay. It begins to seem that he's drawn to me, but something is making him want to leave. As I'm talking, I look up. He's near me. I look into his eyes. They are beautiful. I look at his lips and wish he'd kiss me. We almost do. I then remember that once long ago, we were lovers for awhile. I feel very warm and want to hug him. He bounces up, saying something about his wife. I hear it but ignore it. I figure he's too good for me and he'll never like me anyway. Peter M leaves. A cleaning woman is in the room. Peter M then bounces back in. I see he has a horn case with him. I exclaim, "Oh! Is that a French horn?" He says, "Yes." He's embarrassed. "Oh, I'd love to hear it," I say. He pulls it out. I think, "I'd like to try to play it." Paulina has a trumpet and I liked playing it. The sound from the horn is very pretty. I put my good ear right up to the instrument. Even then the sound is soft. I hear two notes at once and exclaim, "How did you do that?" He hands me the horn. I look at it. It has an ornate set of "buttons" like petals carved in wood or ivory. He says, "It's old and ancient and eastern." His basset hound crawls on my lap and wants his tummy scratched or petted. I do it and hug him and call him a sickly hound dog. I see the word hound dog written on a paper. Then Peter M says, "I have a gift for you." He hands me a jar with lots of little compartments. I see papers and things. I open the first part of the jar. I'm feeling very surprised and pleased. He watches me. It's a paper. I read it. It's a series of notes. It starts out as a note from a registrar to him about his needing to add or drop a class. There are then a series of notes by him answered by someone else. I see the name Barb and think, "That's probably his wife." I don't understand the significance of this paper but I want to because it's a gift to me. I open the next gift. I see a series of potholders. I say, "Oh how nice. I can use these." I then exclaim, "Oh, it's miniature. I can put it in the miniature house we've been building." I then see there are lots of miniature things like a stove, and a laundry hamper with clothes in it. I peek under the clothes and see peanuts. My brother Dwight is hovering near by. I want him to go away because this is a special moment with Peter M. I say, "Oh, they are a lot of miniatures and things for the house! How silly of me not to connect that when I first saw them." Then Peter M, whose eyes tell me he cares for me but is slightly turned away from me, says in an anguished voice, "You have about 19 things you need to do in Dover. How are you going to manage it?" He meant I have many creative things to do and how can I support myself and do them too? I feel warmth because he cares. I say, "I don't know. I'll just do it somehow. I've got some ideas. I'm working on it." He looks at me. I think, "How sweet." He wants to offer to take care of me, financially, and be with me so he and I can do these creative things. Then I say, "This summer, Maggie and I are going to do a book. She's a photographer (he grimaces because he is too), and we'll do a picture/story book." I sense he'd like to do that with me. Dwight is still hanging around and I really want him to leave! Then, I look at his next gift. It's a beautiful paint set, brushes, luxurious, colored bristles. I thank him. He's standing again, getting ready to leave. I say, "I'll bet you're getting bored because I'm taking so long to look at your gifts." He doesn't really answer. He's about ready to leave. I want him to stay and he wants to stay. | 1MKA, 1FKA, 1FSA, 1FKA, 1ANI | AP 1MKA |
b | Barb Sanders | 0316 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-26 | F | YA | Johanna comes home from work. I have on a clown suit. I put a second clown suit on. I go to the door to greet her. She's tired and doesn't really appreciate my joke of a clown suit on a clown suit. There are gifts for her. She's talking about her students today. Her husband Matt is asking questions about who was there. She's grumpy and gets sharp with him and accuses him of sending some of his students to her. He claims innocence. I listen. Matt is opening the gifts. One is a big box with a puppet inside. Matt says, "It's George Washington." I look closer and I say, "George Washington with six guns?" He's got red hair (long, ponytail), a white suit (like Col. Sanders), and a pair of six guns strapped around him. I look and see his name is "The Chicken" or "Genesis." I say, "Oh, what fun. It's a computer program game. Can I play it?" Johanna mutters, "Oh, I always get those." She's doing the dishes and reaches over to start the game. I push a button to set the balls (like pool balls). Eggs come out, a dozen of them. They come out too fast and some are broken. A yolk goes slithering by me. I exclaim, "Oh no." Johanna finally looks and says, "What happened?" I explain. I'm a little embarrassed. Ronald Reagan comes and sits down with us. He's very interested in things about the west. I explain that this is a computer program. I show him a book about "Little Chicken," a notorious western person. | 1FKA, 1MKA, 2ISA, 5MPA, 1MPA | AP D |
b | Barb Sanders | 0317 | 1960-1997 | 1981-02-26 | F | YA | I have a check out stand, for groceries and things. Ethan is talking to me. He likes me. As we talk, my cash register starts malfunctioning. It rings up 55 cents too many times. A long line forms of customers as I try to get the machine to work. Ethan is smiling and talking to me and I'm trying to pay attention to him and also take care of the customers. Finally I decide to write up the stuff by hand. My "bagger," a young girl, complains when I tell her to assist. Then I decide to borrow an adding machine from another stand. I do and everything's O.K. [BL] | 1MKA, 2JSA, 1FSC, 1FSA | null |