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It was over 20 years ago, but the pain has resurfaced again now because I have started seeing her Facebook posts about how great her life is. I feel so angry. How can I handle this?

Affairs and infidelity are tough areas to address. The power of the affair comes from the feeling of injustice that seems to have happened to you. The struggle I notice people have is with the forgiveness. Forgiveness is something that is asked of you from your partner but also you have the power to give. I assume you want to forgive or have forgiven. However, the forgetting part is difficult. It seems that image of her happiness may have triggered something in you that isn't happy. I'm not sure how often you are triggered by her but it seems there is something there you need to process. The forgetting part sadly is difficult to put past your mind. However, it's being able to see the unfortunate situation they did and be able to walkthrough it even though it's painful. I think maybe speaking with a local therapist about this as it's often difficult to process alone. Also, see how you are feeling as days go on. Do you find yourself obsessed? If so, you may need to seek a professional counselor. 

What makes a healthy marriage last?

This answer varies based on you relationship. However, I do believe their are some basic fundamental areas that are beneficial for a healthy marriage:1.) Effective Communication2.) Trust3.) Love/Passion4.) Loyalty. 5.) Unconditional Positive Regard. Everyone has their favorite qualities they feel best fit a marriage. However, these are what I think are great starting points. 

We've been in a long distance relationship for two and a half years. I recently saw his phone and saw the people he texts the most and one of them was a female coworker. I don't know how to approach this situation. How do I ask him about it?.

The best way to get an answer is to just ask. I would defintely let him know you are asking out of concern and not to judge or criticize. Allow him to explain his answer and see how you feel about it. Try to ask him when you both are already discussing other topics and just say, "Can I ask you something?" Earl Lewiswww.RelationshipsGoneRight.com

Does counseling really do anything that can help people?

Hi there! Thank you for your question. It's a great question and one that many people want to know the answer to. The short answer is, YES! Counseling can be very helpful to people struggling with many different things. There has been a lot of research conducted to prove that counseling is an effective way to help people with mental health concerns, life stressors, and many other issues. In addition, there are many people who would tell you that counseling made a positive, profound impact on their lives. Indeed, some would tell you that counseling saved their lives. Now, not everyone would tell you that counseling helped. But when you think about it, there are many medical treatments for a variety of healthcare issues that also do not help everyone. So, is counseling guaranteed? No. But, it is something that is worth trying if someone is suffering or is just wanting some perspective or support. Also, there is many different types of counseling. Different counselors have different styles and have different training for various issues. This means that you are likely to find someone who has a good style and expertise in an area that you want to work on. If you don't know where to go, I suggest contacting your state's counseling association. They can help. I think the real question that most people have is, how? How does it help? That question is a bit more complicated, because there are many different models of counseling/therapy that work in different ways. What I can tell you is that, regardless of the model of counseling, the relationship between counselor and client is the most important factor. I don't mean that the relationship has to be ooowy goowy... but it does have to be one where there is trust and openness. A counselor will spend time to make sure that you are working together as a team toward a common goal. If you go to counseling and you don't feel this is the case, tell your counselor. An ethical counselor will welcome your feedback. I hope this is helpful, please ask more questions! I hope some colleagues add some other thoughts, too. Be well,Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPCC, NCC

Does counseling really do anything that can help people?

Counselling offers a number of ways to help one to improve their situation.  For some, this process can take a very long, winding path of self-discovery, while, for others, they are seeking a purposeful, solution-based way to approach and manage a specific problem. It's important to remember that there are different styles of therapy, some of which will work great with some, but poorly with others, specifically to help those to decide how they wish to move forward. I often recommend speaking with a number of therapists before beginning treatment to find out more about how they practice, in order to make sure their style aligns with your goals. On a more specific note, there is myriad research out in the world that indicates both counselling and medication can have an affect on changing our moods and behaviours.  However, medication is not an effective way of treating the problem, as it treats the symptoms of that problem (increased anxiety, lowered mood, etc.) and research has shown that the most effective route for better mental health care comes from a combination of counselling and medication. 

Does counseling really do anything that can help people?

There are multiple ways that counseling helps people. The most basic is that it gives you someone to talk to about and through what you are facing. It is better than a friend because this is a space for your stuff and you get to focus on what you need and don't have to worry about the other side. This is also a place where you do not have to worry about how else the other person is involved in the situation. Beyond this basic level, a counselor will have expertise they can bring in terms of how people, including you, can effectively deal with this kind of situation. The counselor may also be aware of connections that you would not otherwise see. A good counselor will also recognize if and when you need other help or support in the situation. Why wouldn't you benefit from having someone walk with you in your journey to peace and wholeness. 

On the first day of school I wore a bra that was too big so that it would look like I had bigger boobs. I did that the whole school year and my parents never found out. But now I can never hang out with my friends at my house or invite them over because it would be around my parents and my friends would see there is nothing there on my chest. How do I fix this?

Sometimes we let our insecurities get the best of us, causing us to make some interesting choices. Honesty is always the best policy, but honesty comes with risk.  Perhaps you may want to start with your family first, explaining to them what you have done and why.  Perhaps they can help you to practice talking about your insecurities with your friends. Another way is to start, slowly, to dress more and more like yourself and your true body shape. Some of your "friends" may make fun of you, true, but then you must ask yourself...why do you want to be friends with people like that? 

I have been diagnosed with posttraumatic stress disorder due to my military experiences. Not a year ago, I had a car accident. Could this experience add more problems?

A car accident can be a traumatic event. Especially,  if it was serious, you could have feared for your life, felt everythingvwas out of control and had normal reactions to an abnormal situation afterwards. This may or may not be related to the traumas that you experienced in the military. If it is then it is possible that you will see a direct effect in triggering off PTSD symptoms. Even if it didn't, it is possible that the complexity of the two situations will interact inside you to be a combined response. Having already been diagnosed with PTSD, this might be a good time to reconnect with the help system you had around military experiences and explore it a little bit about the new experience. The right exploration does not have to make things worse and can be a good source of prevention. 

I've been depressed for quite a while. I've been trying to work through it, and my boyfriend has been my rock. He is honestly the only person I trust enough to talk to about anything, but he decided to break up with me because of my depression. I cannot afford to see a therapist or anything, so he saw no hope in staying with me. My insurance has a $5000 deductible, so I’m screwed. I've had everything from suicidal thoughts to trying to quit my job. I have no one. My family doesn't care about me; they kicked me out when I turned 18 a few years ago. I had friends, but they have all moved on with their lives and have no time for me. My ex-boyfriend is trying to help but is making things worse because every time I see or hear him, I break down into tears. I found out that I will never be promoted now because of my depression.

It sounds like you have been struggling with this for quite some time, using many of the same coping techniques that feel tried and true to no avail. Often, we fall back on coping techniques that would be helpful in other problems (stress, social anxieties, etc.) for our depression, but the truth is that depression requires it's own little tool kit. Depression is all-encompassing, and, based on what you've written, the symptoms are already affecting work and your personal life in myriad ways.  The best route forward would be to seek out counselling, admittedly, but if your insurance deductible is too high, that can be very expensive. I would recommend contacting your Employee Assistance Program (EAP) if offered by your employer. If not, you can look into community centres for counselling options, check if your doctor will give you a referral or your local religious organization. If, however, you are motivated to get your depression under control, there are some great workbooks out there that you can use on your own or with your therapist (as long as your therapist is trained in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, or CBT), such as "Mind Over Mood".   

Does counseling really do anything that can help people?

A counselor can do a few things that can be helpful:1) Give you a space where you can explore what's in your head without worrying about being judged or punished.2) Help you better understand yourself, your choices, your motivations.3) Give you tools and information you can use to help create change in your life. Ultimately, though, it's up to the client to take action, because action is what creates change. So, a counselor can't create change ... but they can facilitate and support it. 

I'm having relationship problems and I want to fix them to make things right before I lose her. How can I learn how to listen and get myself together?

Hard to say a whole lot without knowing more. However, if you focus your attention on her, what she's saying, what she's feeling instead of trying to make yourself heard and understood first, that's often a good step. Also, work on building win-win agreements with her, and follow through on them. Those are the areas I see men fall short on most often. Hope that helps!

I'm 17 and I'm sick and tired of going back and forth. I'd like to stay at my mother's house. This problem has really affected me. I've had anxiety attacks and suicidal thoughts and self-harm in the past. Currently I'm going through anxiety and my thearapist is not available. How do I handle this?

Sounds like a lot is going on right now at such a young age. I'd start with discussing with mom your concerns and ideal situation. I'm unsure what prevents you from staying there, but whoever you are staying with, it should be brought to their attention. In regards to your anxiety attacks, deep breathing is always a benefits. I have a link you can use to help to do this online if you are interested. In addition, finding ways you usually cope with anxiety and what's worked before can help and if it isn't, exploring new way to calm you down can be beneficial. This is something you can speak with your therapist about going forward when they are available.In regards to feeling suicidal: I would call suicide prevention hotline (You can google them) if you truly feel the ideation is getting worse. They are professional agents who can speak with you about your ideation and help you through the process. Hope this helps. 

What makes a healthy marriage last?

This is a fantastic question. In one sentence, I would say the following:Recognize that while you and your partner probably have common interests and areas of commonality, you are separate people, each with different wants, wishes, and desires – if you consider a diagram of two overlapping circles, they may share perhaps a third of the circle with overlap to indicate commonality (could be more or less) and then there are parts of the circles that are not overlapping, indicating separate interestsAs for ways that may strengthen any relationship, even the great ones, this is what came to mind. There are certainly more specific unique answers or elements for different people as far as the details, but here are some general ideas:Try to have at least 15 minutes a week where you are spending time together and not problem-solvingRealize that listening to your partner does not mean that you are agreeing with them, it just means that you are saying that you hear where they are coming fromLearn to hold on to your own wants, wishes, and desires while also recognizing those of your partnerSet boundaries for what is and isn't acceptable behavior during an argument or difficult discussionDiscuss how having important discussions can be anxiety-producing and consider having an understanding that if one of you (or both of you) feels overwhelmed, you can take a timeout for a certain amount of time. For example, you may say "okay, I'm feeling really stressed about this right now. Let's discuss it in an hour." And at that time, go back to the discussionConsider what your partner's top three or four complaints about you may be. Check in with them and see how accurate you are. If you see validity in their responses, consider whether or not you may want to make changesDiscover what makes your partner feel loved, valued, appreciated, or specialRelationships are always in progress and constantly changing. Some anxiety around change is typical. Being able to effectively discuss the anxiety and actually listen to one another without being defensive, name calling, finger-pointing, or asking each other to change is a true gift.You may enjoy this quote: "Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment." ~Brene Brown

Does counseling really do anything that can help people?

Counseling provides a safe environment for people to explore the beliefs about the challenges in life. The various types(modalities/techniques) of counseling serve as guides for specific individual's personal journeys.

Does counseling really do anything that can help people?

Hi!  Great question.  I believe counseling does help people! Of course, I am a therapist, so I would think that! :)  Seriously - I think therapy and counseling allow us to understand ourselves, our motivations and the things that bring us happiness and discontent.  Therapy can create opportunities to try new skills and enhance positive attributes that are already present in someone.  I like to think of therapy as an unbiased "aerial view" of our lives. Someone outside can often help us notice things we might otherwise miss. Hope this helps! 

Often times I find myself thinking scary thoughts and sometimes I even scare myself into thinking that something bad is going to happen to me. Once it starts, the thought continues going through my head and I can't get it out. How can I stop these thoughts?

Such a great question! I'm so sorry you are struggling! You may be experiencing Intrusive thoughts.  These are thoughts that seem to come from no where and victimize us.  I can strongly recommend a book called "When Panic Attacks" by Dr. David Burns.  It helps you to identify the thoughts, and the help you create ways to counteract them!  There is another technique, called Thought Stopping. Thought Stopping can be as simple as saying "Stop!" loudly (if you are alone) or in your head, if you are in public.  It's a quick way to distract you from the distressing thought, and allow you to refocus.  I recommend using this technique, followed by some deep breathing, while visualizing something that helps you feel relaxed (a favorite place, a pet, etc.).  These three things in conjunction can be of great assistance. One key component in addressing anxious thinking is building the skill of relaxation.  I recommend an App called Headspace which teaches relaxation through some simple guided mediation. Super easy to do, and a great way to begin to build relaxation skills.  Plenty of sleep and reducing caffeine intake can also be things to explore. Hope this helps!  

Does counseling really do anything that can help people?

Counseling definitely helps people!  I have seen so many positive changes from those willing to engage in the counseling process.  Having a safe place to openly share concerns with an objective listener really is therapeutic and can make a huge difference in your life.    Many times people don't feel heard or validated by people in their lives, counseling call help validate your feelings and help you become more self-aware.  You can learn new skills to better manage your life as well.  I find the people who get the most out of it are the ones most willing to make changes.

I love my girlfriend so much. I get an erection even just thinking about her or seeing her. But the two times we tried to have sex I couldn't get an erection. We've only had sex once and it was a long time ago. Why this is happening and what can I do about it?

Sexual desire seems to be straightforward - I like someone and I become aroused at the thoughts of being intimate with them - but that idea does not always take into account other factors. Stress can have a huge effect on our body and how it performs.  When we are overstressed, for example, we often find ourselves ill at the same time.  Can you think of any part of your world that may be causing you some additional stress? Additionally, focusing on your erection may also be increasing the level of stress you feel about being intimate, which could also effect your ability to get and maintain an erection.  While this may seem counter intuitive, it makes sense in the word of stress!Finally, it's never a bad idea to follow up with your doctor, as well. You did not mention your age or sexual history outside of this relationship, but it is always a good idea to check in with medical staff to make sure there is nothing physically responsible for changes in our body, as well. 

Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?

Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.) is a term that reflects how many people are affected by the changing seasons, especially fall to winter.  Everyone suffers with some form of this (lessened activity levels, increased isolation, etc.) while some find that this time of year can put them into a deeper depression. If you have noticed that this happens frequently, there are some ways you can definitely help yourself going forward:1. Attend therapy to learn strategies and tools to help you to manage your mood.  It's important to stay within the therapy until you feel you have mastered these tools. 2. Push yourself to interact more with your social groups and other positive activities. It's easy to go out and spend the day outside in the summer months, when the temperature is warm and the sun shines for long periods of the day, but it seems harder to find fun ways to spend your time when the temperature drops and darkness comes on so quickly.  Perhaps winter time could become the time of year where you and your friends have weekly board game nights, complete with hot chocolate and a fire?3. You may want to consider the purchase of a S.A.D. Light.  These are lights that expose you to additional ultra violet light to increase the vitamin D in our bodies, as well as the release of growth hormone (which releases when we wake up). There are mixed reviews of these products, however, and they can be expensive. 

My depression has been reoccurring for a long time. It all started when I was being bullied in high school. In ninth grade, my principal told me I needed to stay home for a couple days to protect myself while she spoke to my classmates. I needed professional help for my stress because I was having crying spells from the stress of going to school and confronting my classmates. After that, I was fine for a couple of years. I entered my first year of college in a really tough program with high demands of expected work. I believe my depression re-booted from there with the stress. I began to cut myself because a friend of mine at the time told me how she used to do the same and it used to feel good for her. Obviously, that wasn't the right choice. I regret ever doing that, seeing as even though I'm not self-harming anymore, I always look back at that time whenever I feel very stressed. I have a big problem with handling problems in life. Whenever a problem arises, I get stressed and I feel hopeless, as if it's not going to get better. I get way too stressed from my problems, which leads to overreacting a lot (especially when talking to others), which then leads to depression. I have a hard time coping with stress because I know that if I could handle it easily then I wouldn't be sad all the time, and I would say and do the right thing instead of overreacting to my loved ones.

I couldn't help but notice that you did not specify your age, so I am unable to set the total chronological order and length that you have suffered in this way, but I want to start by commending you on seeking out additional coping techniques on your own.  Unfortunately, it sounds like you were offered some that were more dangerous than helpful, but be proud that you were able to curb those before they caused too much harm. From what you have written, stress has always been a difficult thing for you to manage.  Often, when I am working with those who offer the same concern, there is a degree of people pleasing that comes with that stress.  When we are trying to make others happy, especially when we are unable to distinguish the proper "rules for success", it can make even the simplest of tasks overwhelming. Stress management is just that, management; of our own anxieties about the needs of others, about our skills and the ability to complete a task and having multiple requests at any given time. Each of these aspects requires a separate sets of "tools" to manage them accordingly. For example, assertiveness communication training could aid in communicating with your colleagues to manage their expectations of your deadlines and abilities, but it will not assist you with managing your own anxieties. Try to separate the different areas of the problem, in order to help yourself to find a solution and work on them in their own time. Perhaps keeping a journal will help you to better understand why you are so easily overwhelmed by stress and help you track some of your less-helpful responses to stress. For example, does a certain person's style of communication always make you feel undervalued and therefore push you to finish their requests first? Is there a certain time of the day where you start to fall off in productivity?  Is that the time fo the day where you also tend to pile up your requirements?Try to ask yourself some of these harder questions and see where they lead you.

Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?

Light therapy is very helpful. You are not alone. The name for the condition is Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). You might want to see a therapist to assist you putting in place a behavioral program to help change the way you feel.

My girlfriend just quit drinking and she became really depressed. She told me that she wants to move. What can I do to help her? I want her to stay.

  After stopping the abuse of alcohol, depressive symptoms are common. She may benefit from exploring why she wants to move and see if she would still want to move if she did not feel depressed. 12 step meetings can also be helpful.

Does counseling really do anything that can help people?

Yes, counseling helps a lot of people, especially when there is a good rapport between the counselor and their client. Knowing your counselor is someone who is really on your side and wants to see you grow past your difficulties into a healthy, happy, successful life is more important than what kind of counseling method they use. If you are looking for a counselor, take your time and be sure you feel heard and respected as well as challenged to grow.

I love my girlfriend so much. I get an erection even just thinking about her or seeing her. But the two times we tried to have sex I couldn't get an erection. We've only had sex once and it was a long time ago. Why this is happening and what can I do about it?

This is something I have had to address with individuals often since working with couples is one of my practice's focuses.  The answer can depend upon several reasons all which tend to be explored while in session.  If you or your counselor utilizes an integral approach, in which one of the main premises makes sure to check the four irreducible perspectives (subjective, intersubjective, objective and interobjective – also known as the four quadrants) in determining where the challenges are, it then becomes possible to identify what might be contributing to or causing the challenge as well as offering up ways to address the situation.In this case, from the upper-right or behavioral and physical perspective, we would want to make sure there is no physical limitation or ailment meaning that you would need to visit your doctor and have the basics checked (such as blood pressure.  We would also look at particular behaviors to see if you are doing something with is effecting performance (such as masturbating often or being influenced by pornography). Next we would look at the upper left quadrant (thoughts, cognitions, identity, feelings) to look at what is going on here both during sexual activities and at other times.  If you are worried about your job, your family or under immense pressure to perform at work or while intimate, this can contribute to your situation.  From there we would turn to the lower left quadrant (cultural rules and tools) to see who you have learned to interpret challenges that come up during sex and look for ways to shift, update and/or reshape the way you view sex and its challenges.  It would be here that we would see whether one is even comfortable using a service like counseling based upon how your family/culture of origin views the profession. Finally, we would need to account for challenges that show up in the lower right quadrant (systems, laws, rules of society) such as your economic ability to try services and products as well as whether such services and products were even available.  Once we have rolled through these areas it then becomes possible to look at which aspects might need to be looked at further in a more meaningful way to help you change a perspective or if just getting a blood pressure medication is all you need.To sum your question then of why you can’t keep an erection we would need to look at your thoughts (look at your actual thoughts during the act as well as before and after), look at your behaviors, look at your physical body for issues, look at where you picked up your rules and tools (culture) and look at your ability to access goods and services.  They all contribute equally and need to be taken into account.  So - as you can see, there is no one possible answer to this, but several.  I hope this helps. 

Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?

Does counseling really do anything that can help people?

Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?

Thank you for sharing. It seems like since the "winter blues" happens to you every year it may also be impacting your quality of life and possibly relationships. What you report sounds like you may be experiencing Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and is quite common to many from about fall thru winter seasons; but, also can impact folks during the Spring and summer months.The best care and treatment for SAD includes discussing it with your PCP (primary care physician), integrating light therapy (full-spectrum lighting) throughout home and workplace (where possible), psychotherapy, and possibly medications (e.g. Wellbutrin XL, Aplenzin).Be sure to exercise good self-care and checkout the Mayo Clinic's website for SAD here: http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder/basics/definition/con-20021047.  

I love my girlfriend so much. I get an erection even just thinking about her or seeing her. But the two times we tried to have sex I couldn't get an erection. We've only had sex once and it was a long time ago. Why this is happening and what can I do about it?

First off, I want to acknowledge the emotional pain you must be experiencing about not being able to experience an erection -- you're not alone. And, it took a lot of courage for you to post your query here. Below you will find excellent advice from skilled clinicians regarding your question and concern. If you haven't done so already I'd encourage you to checkout the Mayo Clinic's website on this very topic (http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/seasonal-affective-disorder/basics/definition/con-20021047).Once you've ruled out any medical-organic issues with either your PCP or Urologist I recommend you work with a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) and/or Certified Sex Therapist (CST) and do some psychotherapy around attachment/family-of-origin, intimacy, self-image, trauma history, sex history, pornography, etc. ). There is hope.

Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?

There can be lots of different factors contributing to this. Here are some possible tips:Consider if you know anything about what specifically is making you feel sad? If you're looking for activities because you cannot participate in what you like to do in the warmer months, consider finding some indoor winter activitiesConnect with others. One idea is to join a group (such as a book club) that meets regularly. This could give you something to look forward to regardless of the colder weather.Enjoy the sunshine from indoors. You may notice that sometimes looks are deceiving women is bright and sunny outside, but is also quite cold when you open the door. If you are staying inside for the day, consider allowing yourself to enjoy the sunlight without specifically considering that it is also cold.Consider using a light box. Certain types of light boxes are designed to help with the "winter blues." You can find more information here: http://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/light-therapy/home/ovc-20197416Recently, one of the nurse practitioners that I work with has been checking a lot of vitamin D and vitamin B12 levels and she says the lower levels of these vitamins can contribute to feelings of less motivation or energy than is desired.Each of us has days when we are not thrilled about the weather and may be feeling sort of "bummed" or "down." If you find yourself having these days frequently or for several consecutive days in the above strategies are not helping, consider talking with a therapist about more specific strategies that may be of help to you. Also, because  if everything you would see is likely to live in your area, they would be familiar with the weather patterns where you are and may have some tips that they use for themselves or With other clients.

Does counseling really do anything that can help people?

A lot of things affect how helpful counseling is for each person, including at least these things, but often many others:The therapeutic alliance (this refers to the bond, connection, or trust between the client and the counselor)What the person is coming in to work onHow motivated the person is to work on what it is they would like to changeSome people also ask how counseling is different from friendship. There is a similarity in the sense that hopefully both counselors and friends will listen to what you are experiencing, but that is really the end of the similarities. Some differences are:Counselors are specifically trained to phrase questions or statements in ways that help you to gain more awareness of one could be contributing to what it is that you are trying to change, both within yourself, and possibly with people around youCounselors have experience in using lots of different types of techniques (for example, focusing on finding solutions, looking at how the present situation could relate to your past, using role-plays or examples in session to help you learn new skills or ways of looking at situations, and probably hundreds of other things)Counselors are taught to look at what you are experiencing and ask questions about other related ideas that you may not have connected to what you are experiencingThere is a treatment plan in place (usually after the first, second, or third session) so both you and the counselor have an idea of where you would like to go with counseling (what you are hoping to change or learn) and a general idea of a plan for getting to your goalsIn general, I would say the following:Yes, counseling can help people who want something to be different in their livesCounseling is most helpful when the connection between the counselor and the client is strong enough that some trust forms (in other words, not every counselor or technique is helpful for every person)A lot of counselors will talk to you on the phone for a few minutes prior to you coming in for your first appointment to answer any general questions that you may haveIf you are working with a counselor and you feel as though you are not "clicking" or connecting with one another, give it three or four sessions before you change. Trust is not happening in one hour for most of peopleIf you are working with a counselor and you would like to be getting more or something different out of it, tell the counselor about that because typically modalities can be changedIf you are asking this question because you would like help with a specific issue, call a local counselor and discuss it so that you could have a more specific answer about possible options for counseling

My brother has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and has not been taking his medication. He's been using methamphetamine and alcohol and was found sleeping naked in my step mom driveway in 12 degree weather. I was adopted in by his dad (who just passed) and his mother will not Get involved because she's afraid of financial responsibility. Do I have the rights to be able to sign my brother into mentalhealth facility?

Thanks for asking this question. I know it can be really difficult to deal with issues like this.To answer your question, you might be able to get you brother some mental health help, even if he doesn't recognize that he needs it. In most states, an individual can request a mental health evaluation of a family member if that family member poses a danger to themselves or someone else, or if they are unable to take care of their own basic needs.You can always call 911 if you are concerned about his immediate safety (for example if you find him sleeping outside in below freezing weather.  As an alternative to calling 911, you might also be able to request an evaluation from an authorized mental health provider.  The deatsils of who you would contact vary from state to state. Here's a link with some additional resources:http://www.treatmentadvocacycenter.org/someone-i-know-is-in-crisisHe's lucky to have a brother who cares for his wellbeing as much as you do.

My brother has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and has not been taking his medication. He's been using methamphetamine and alcohol and was found sleeping naked in my step mom driveway in 12 degree weather. I was adopted in by his dad (who just passed) and his mother will not Get involved because she's afraid of financial responsibility. Do I have the rights to be able to sign my brother into mentalhealth facility?

I'm sorry to hear that your brother has been having such a rough time. He's lucky to have you on his side (although he may not always see it that way).As far as whether you can sign him in, that depends on a lot of different things.I would suggest that you Google the state and county that you live in as well as some phrase similar to "crisis hotline." They can tell you how it works in that county. My guess is that you could sign him in as long as he met the criteria for admission at that moment, but I can't  be entirely sure. You could also ask the person on the phone about financial responsibility. I have not heard of that being a problem, but I guess it would depend on insurance.If you have trouble finding a local  hotline, consider calling the national crisis number (800-273-8255) and ask them to help you find someone local.

I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 14. Am I a pedophile because I'm attracted to her and she's under 18?

You are not a pedophile. You are both under 18 and your age is appropriate for a relationship. There would be a possible problem if she was 10 or younger. Pedophelia, is a whole other problem that you probably should not be worried about. I would be happy to talk with you in more detail about this.

I'm a Christian teenage girl, and I have lost my virginity. My boyfriend is a Christian teenager too, but things just got out of hand between us in a sexual manner. I planned to abstain from sex but I guess I wasn't clear about this because I was also tempted and led him on. We continued to have sex. Does it mean that he isn't the one God planned for me? We're so young, but that doesn't stop me from dreaming of a potential future together. I really do feel like he is in my life for an important reason. I'm incredibly happy for I was able to escape from several abusive relationships because of him. I love him very much.

Having sex with your boyfriend is and was a mistake. Mistakes can be forgiven and you can make amends.But it is not the end of your relationship or God's will for you.Have a serious talk with your guy and get back on track with where you want to be. Talk to a counselor or your priest/pastor. Get someone to be your guide and mentor. Check in with them regularly.Getting back to square one could actually strengthen your relationship.Have a plan for the future where you will not be put into a place of temptation. Group dates, public places and no alone time where temptations might arise.Forgive yourself and move on.

Does counseling really do anything that can help people?

Counseling can go a long way in improving your mental health. Counseling helps you to get new perspective on your life and problems.Talking about your problems with a counselor gives them substances and something to get a handle on. Talking about your problems gives you a chance look at your situation from a new angle to help solve your problems.The counselor is a neutral listener that can help give direction and answers to your needs.Counseling can help you solve your problems but also can set up a plan for the future. Counseling can help you to deal with things before they get out of hand.Give counseling a try.

Does counseling really do anything that can help people?

Counseling allows us to have a sacred space, a space that is set apart from the outside world, it is a space of non-judgement and exploration. Being that the universe is not made for us and that the the world tends to be a fairly untamed place at times, this sacred space allows us to explore ourselves. It allows for greater reflection upon our attitudes, our behaviors and our feelings. Imagine if you will a small goldfish swimming around the usual fish tank, although I dont attest to know what a goldfish thinks, I would imagine he does not see the world outside of him, he only sees the small fishbowl, oblivious to the outside world, when one comes into the counseling room, one is trying to gain insight that was not previously there. Remember the observer affect, one cannot truly act objectively with the world, we are in a dynamic relationship with life, it reacts to us and we to it, the time in the counseling room allows us to gain an understanding that is beyond the normal limits, allowing us to see what was before hidden, often times in plain sight.

Every time I send a message to someone or a group message on Instagram, iMessage, or snapchat people will read my messages but then they won't answer me. Could it be that there is something they don't like about me? I don't understand why they won't answer my messages. How do I get people to respond to me?

I'm sorry that you are having a difficult time.I wonder about how your friendships are in person. If you get along well with people and have effective conversations with them face-to-face, there could be some kind of technology-related problem.Have you tried gently talking to people about how you send a message and they didn't answer? If you can phrase it in such a way that they recognize that you are asking for information and not blaming them for not answering you, that could be effective.I'd also encourage you to consider how much this is bothering you. If it is causing a significant amount of anxiety (say, more than 5/10 if 10 is really anxious), I would suggest talking with a local therapist.In the meantime, consider talking about this with someone you trust to whom you can get more details to get a more specific answer.

My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.

It is understandable that it's very hard for you to hear daily complaints from your mother regarding the caregiving of your niece. You cannot change your mother's feelings and responsibilities, which could create feelings of frustration and helplessness. It must be equally hard for your mother to assume full responsibility for your niece at a time where your sister cannot take care of her. This type of responsibility usually produces an enormous amount of stress and pressure because your mother and niece would both need to adapt to this new relationship, living situation, and the feeling of being "abandoned." Not knowing the history of your relationship with your mother and how you respond to each other in times of need, it may be difficult to fight the right recommendation on how to deal with this situation. Nonetheless, it is not easy to have to face daily complaints and you may have to set a healthy balance between empathy and boundary setting with your mother and some personal boundaries for yourself. It is likely that your mother's "complaints" may be her desperate cry for help because she does not know how to cope with stress or how to ask for the right kind of support. In this case, you could calmly and respectfully tell her the next time you hear her complain, "This must be very difficult for you because I hear the stress in your voice almost everyday. It's very hard for me to hear you feeling so overwhelmed. I feel helpless in this situation and would like to suggest that it might be helpful for you to seek some professional help and support to deal with such a big matter of importance." When empathy and understanding is communicated, recipients are usually more open because they hear and feel the caring behind it and are more likely to seek additional help.After sharing this message of empathy and encouragement to seek help, the next step is to protect yourself by explaining to your mother where your limits are so that she understands what she can expect from you. This means that you can decide the kind of support or help you are willing to give your mother and/or niece that is within your ability to provide without feeling overwhelmed. This could involve inviting them to dinner occasionally, taking them out to see a movie or inviting your niece over to give your mother respite. You could then say to her if she complains again, "I cannot change the way you feel in this situation and I encourage you to seek professional advice about that but what I could do is .........(explain what you could do to help)."www.PsychologyResource.ca

I've never been able to talk with my parents. My parents are in their sixties while I am a teenager. I love both of them but not their personalities. I feel that they do not take me seriously whenever I talk about a serious event in my life. If my dad doesn’t believe me, then my mom goes along with my dad and acts like she doesn’t believe me either. I’m a pansexual, but I can’t trust my own parents. I've fought depression and won; however, stress and anxiety are killing me. I feel that my friends don't listen to me. I know they have their own problems, which I do my best to help with. But they don't always try to help me with mine, when I really need them. I feel as if my childhood has been taken from me. I feel as if I have no one whom I can trust.

Teenage years are rough for anyone, and this is a time for self-discovery and experimentation. Having older parents can certainly pose challenges. Most kids feel like their parents don't understand them, but yours are older than the average parents of teenagers. They're from a completely different generation than you are. It sounds like they love you, but may not understand you. The problem here is the generation/age gap, and there's not a whole lot you can do about that. What you can do is accept the situation and perhaps look at it a little differently. It seems like you're looking for affirmation from them, looking for their approval and understanding. It's never a good idea to look to others to define who you are or to get a self-esteem boost. Who you are and how you feel about yourself needs to come from inside, not from outside. One way you can have a better relationship with your parents is to stop looking at all the things you aren't getting from them that you want, and rather look at all the things you are getting from them. Yes, this is a glass half full or half empty point of view, but it works. The negative will overshadow the positive if you let it. Start looking for the good things in your relationship with your parents and your feelings towards them will become more positive.I'm not sure how your friends/peers made you feel like your childhood has been taken from you. That's a curious statement, and requires a deeper conversation to understand where that came from. However, I do understand feeling different and out of place, especially in high school. Find the strength within yourself rather than looking to others in your life to make you feel better or feel like a complete person. It helps to have friends and loved ones, but you can never rely on them to fulfill all of your needs. Set some goals for your future, work towards them. Focus on being the best YOU that you can be, and the right people will enter your life at the right time. 

I've hit my head on walls and floors ever since I was young. I sometimes still do it but I don't exactly know why, I have anxiety and I had a rough childhood but now I'll start to hit my head and sometimes not realize it but I don't know how to stop or even why I'm doing it. How can I help myself to change my behavior?

The best way to handle anxiety of this level is with a combination of appropriate medication given to you by a medical doctor, and therapy to help you understand the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are causing the anxiety. This is not something that anyone should just “white knuckle” and try to get through on their own with no help. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a technique that has been proven helpful for depression and anxiety. This takes a therapist trained in CBT. You will learn to recognize when and why you perform the behavior of hitting your head, help you deal with the underlying cause of this, and replace the behavior with a more positive behavior. You'll learn coping skills.You mention having a rough childhood. Anyone who has experienced trauma like this, especially long-term ongoing trauma from abuse of any kind, definitely does not need "exposure therapy", which is what is recommended for phobias. You need a therapist trained specifically in trauma informed therapy.You are on the right path by recognizing there is an issue and what it is. Good luck with your healing journey!

I know that I need to get past my feelings for this person I fell in love with, but t's so difficult to move on because he showed me feelings I've never felt before. I feel like I don't want to be without my genuine love for him, but logically, I know I need to be without him. I can't discuss this with anybody in my life because the conditions surrounding our love are considered "wrong" by a lot of people. How can I get myself to just move on?

It's difficult to move on and let go, especially when you've experienced things for the first time with someone, or feelings you've never felt before, as you said.I like the fact that you are looking at your situation "logically".  Feelings can take time to fade, but you seem to understand, even if it is subconsciously, that it's the feelings he stirred up in you that are keeping you tied to him, not necessarily the person himself. Realize that you can and will experience those feelings again with another person - the RIGHT person. Don't hold onto someone who is wrong for you just because of something like this. You're wanting those feelings and wanting a relationship - but with him necessarily? Or with anybody? You said you don't want to be without your love for him - not you don't want to be without him. In fact, you said you know you need to be without him. It seems like it's the LOVE that you can't let go of, and the feelings. Not the person. Trust me, you will find that again. Take some time to let this fade. Don't try to force him or anyone else into a role that is meant for someone else. Cherish the memories and the experiences you had. Sounds like it's been a valuable learning and growth experience for you, but you have your own reasons, and I don't know what they are, for thinking this person isn't good for you. Trust your gut instinct and be glad you've had this relationship. Not all are meant to last. But all shape you into the person you are and will become, and all teach us important lessons.

My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.

Buy the book "Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin." Read it. Apply it.Seriously, I'm not joking. You're not wrong to "not want to hear it anymore" but if you don't maintain healthy boundaries, you will allow your family to make you feel guilty for "not wanting to hear it anymore". That's not fair to you.Give a copy to your mom, too. No, I didn't write the book nor do I have any affiliation with it - I simply recommend it because it's a wonderful book and it helped me out a lot. I recommend it to a lot of people. It should be required reading!

I don't remember when the voices in my head started, but I remember Hearing them when I was little. I know it's not normal to hear voices that aren't your own. I fight the voices and I want them to stop. They've been here so long and I want them gone. How can I make the voices stop?

This isn't something you can do on your own. If you haven't already, you need to see a medical doctor ASAP to rule out medical causes for this. Many diseases, illnesses, and conditions can cause hallucinations. In the elderly, sometimes it's something as simple as a urinary tract infection. Some medicines may have that side effect as well.However, you say you've been hearing them since you were little. I have no idea how old you are now, but something that has been going on for many years does lead me to think it could be a type of schizophrenia. A psychiatrist could diagnose that after taking a complete look at your history, medical history, etc. There are medications that they can put you on that will help. One thing that I find encouraging is that you recognize you're hearing voices. This means you are not so far into a delusion as to believe it is real. A lot of people that hear or see things that aren't there are not able to have the awareness that these things are not real. They fully believe what they're hearing/seeing. It's completely real to them. Because you have the awareness that you do, I feel this is a very good sign that with treatment you can live a normal life (assuming you are not already receiving treatment for it. If you are and are still hearing the voices, please know that medications often need to be changed and adjusted, and the voices may never completely go away but medicines certainly help dull them a lot. Always talk to your doctor when it seems your symptoms are getting worse so that they can make the necessary medication adjustments for you).If at any time the voices are telling you to do something, please go to an ER as this is an emergency. Sometimes people hear voices telling them to harm themselves, harm someone else, or do other things that are against the law. Do not try to deal with something like that on your own. There are people who can help.

There is just no communication at all between us. She sleeps constantly all day (not at night). She acts angry and unfocused and stays in her very messy room all the time. The only time she comes out is to eat. She has aches and fatigue, weight gain, hair loss and skin problems. She does not look after her health. I don't know how to communicate with her. She is not open to any suggestions. How do I get through to her?

1. She's an adult.2. She lives in your house? She follows your rules.3. What you're describing could be any number of things, but could potentially be a medical issue that needs attention. Thyroid issues, autoimmune diseases - there's a ton of medical possibilities for her symptoms. I'm not a doctor; this is a forum of therapists.4. I recommend the book "Codependent No More" which may help you navigate your rocky relationship with your adult daughter. You may be inadvertently making things worse by "helping" her which can instead enable her to continue her behaviors. Another book you may find helpful is "Boundaries: Where you end and I begin". You cannot control another person, especially an adult. The only person you can control is yourself. Tough love is sometimes needed, and she is an adult - treat her like one. Maybe then she'll act like one. If we were having this conversation in person, you would interrupt me at this point with a "but..." and then explain all the reasons why you can't tell her to move out, get a job, get up and cook or clean the house, etc. I already know that you have a myriad of excuses for things being the way they are. Yes, I said excuses instead of reasons, because that's what they are. You may feel stuck and like you have to take care of her, but you have choices - you just may not like them. I know that when children are small, parents' lives are focused around them (some more than others) and decisions are made around what is best for your child. But you said your daughter is an adult. The relationship dynamics must change if the relationship is to be a healthy one. I know how difficult it is to watch your child make life choices that you wouldn't want for them, no matter what that choice may be. As a parent, we want to force them to do what we think is "the right thing" but trying to do that only results in frustrations for everyone involved. Whether the issue is a hair color, a tattoo, a lifestyle choice, a job, or choosing not to work or take care of their health, or doing drugs, or drinking - the choice is theirs and theirs alone and so are the consequences of those choices. 

My brother has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and has not been taking his medication. He's been using methamphetamine and alcohol and was found sleeping naked in my step mom driveway in 12 degree weather. I was adopted in by his dad (who just passed) and his mother will not Get involved because she's afraid of financial responsibility. Do I have the rights to be able to sign my brother into mentalhealth facility?

Family members sometimes get Power of Attorney over vulnerable adults. If you had this, you could do something like that. I'm assuming that you don't, though. There are steps family members can take through the court system to get someone involuntarily committed, but it is a long process. I deal with situations like this everyday on the job. The only time an adult can be committed against their will is if they are deemed by the doctor (such as at an emergency room) to be a threat to self or others. For instance, if he had suicidal thoughts and a plan to carry out the action, or if he had homicidal thoughts against someone else and a plan to carry it out, he could be placed on a short hold, but these holds only last for a few days. This still isn't a long-term solution. An adult has the right to refuse treatment and the right to make their own choices, no matter how bad those choices are. If you have a way to get him to an ER whenever things like that happen, such as being found sleeping outside in 12 degree weather, it will help a lot. They may or may not do a short term commitment for treatment based on the situation that brings him to the ER, but it's a start. They can help set him up with appointments for psych and he can get on medications. You can help by taking him to appointments and making sure his medications get filled. However, you can't force him to take the meds, so this may be something that happens a lot. With enough of a paper trail of many ER visits and that sort of thing, you'll stand a better chance of getting a court appointed psych ward stay. Some tips about ER visits: Don't send him alone. Always go with him or have someone go with him, because you will be able to give the treatment team better insight into what's going on than he will. He may say everything's fine and he wants to leave, so they won't have any reason to keep him if that is the case. Go with him. If you do get Power of Attorney, take the paperwork with you when you go to the ER and to doctor's appointments because they aren't just going to take your word. They need to see the actual paperwork. Having it on file in their system isn't good enough because paperwork expires, etc. Take it with you at all times. You can also compile his medical records and that sort of thing to take with you so they can see a full history of what's going on.Keep in mind that if you do get Power of Attorney, this makes you his guardian and you have to take care of him. Otherwise, you can get reported for vulnerable adult abuse and neglect. In fact, your mom ignoring and not helping may already put her at risk of that because she is willingly doing nothing to help someone who clearly needs the help. She won't be financially responsible for the hospital or doctor bills, but should be held responsible for his safety. Someone should. There are group homes for people with schizophrenia. " Being responsible" for someone doesn't mean you have to pay their bills, it just means you are going to make sure they get the care they need. That care may be placement in a long-term care facility like a group home or a nursing home. Psych inpatient hospitals aren't long-term, so you do need to look into other long-term options. Psych inpatient stays are temporary and are to stabilize him, they're not where someone stays forever.Good luck, and keep up the good attitude! Work with his treatment team. Ask for a social worker. If they see family that is wanting to do the right thing and wanting to help, they'll help you even if it does take a while to get things sorted out. The worst thing any of you can do is NOT go to appointments and that sort of thing. 

I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 14. Am I a pedophile because I'm attracted to her and she's under 18?

No, that's perfectly normal. You're under 18, too. You're only a year older than she is. This is absolutely normal. What would be wrong is if you did anything to her against her will. Always remember that NO means NO, respect her, respect yourself, and be a normal teenager! Have a healthy relationship. Holding hands, kissing, and more should only be done when both are comfortable with it and agree to it. Although it is frowned upon by a lot of people, it's no secret that teenagers do have sex (even if their parents and perhaps religion would definitely not want them to do it). Only you can make the choice that is right for you. Just be responsible in the choices you make. Some states have laws on what age is old enough for consensual sex. You'd be surprised how young those ages are. A 14 year old having sex with a 20 year old would be against the law, but someone the same age as her, or just one year older is not. "Wrong" can be defined in a lot of different ways, though. Is it against the law? No. Is it against your religion? I can't answer that for you. You can, however, have a relationship that is not physical in any way. It's okay to just be with her and enjoy her company. You can hang out, watch movies together, go on dates, do whatever it is that both of you enjoy doing. Your relationship can be anything you want it to be. 

I've never been able to talk with my parents. My parents are in their sixties while I am a teenager. I love both of them but not their personalities. I feel that they do not take me seriously whenever I talk about a serious event in my life. If my dad doesn’t believe me, then my mom goes along with my dad and acts like she doesn’t believe me either. I’m a pansexual, but I can’t trust my own parents. I've fought depression and won; however, stress and anxiety are killing me. I feel that my friends don't listen to me. I know they have their own problems, which I do my best to help with. But they don't always try to help me with mine, when I really need them. I feel as if my childhood has been taken from me. I feel as if I have no one whom I can trust.

First, thank you for sharing such deep personal information. It can be difficult to share such intimate information. To begin, it sounds likes your primary concern your desire to speak to someone who takes your mental health seriously. You've tried talking to your parents and your friends and neither have made that connection in the area you need. I'm sorry to hear that. it's unfortunate. However, I think a couple things can be done to try to address this. If you want support1) Parents- Sit down with one of them and tell them with all seriousness that you need to talk about something that is affecting you deeply. Perhaps speaking to both can be too much for one room. If you try to speak to mom or dad by themselves, it may create that intimate atmosphere needed to understand where you are coming from. 2) Friends: Like parents it can be difficult to speak to your friends about challenges with your mental health. When you're feeling down and anxious, friends can be great help or not their at all. With friends, it may be one of those things where you also need to create an intimate environment with one friend to speak to about your sadness and anxiety. If anything, speak to the fact you're hurt and help them understand that if they can't understand the depressionIf you don't want support Coping Strategies: Identify coping skills and strategy that help you when you're feeling down. Ideas:A.) JournalingB) PaintingC) ExerciseD) MusicE) Reading AffirmationF) Listening To Motivation Videos

My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.

I just want to understand before I answer. Who exactly is complaining?

I have been married for 11 years. Within the past 2 years we have drifted far apart. We coexist together but there is very little personal interest in each other. I often feel that my husband has "friends" at work that he is more emotional invested in than me. I feel very alone and just uncared for. Is there anything I can do to feel reconnected?

Absolutely. Your question shows that you are going through a lot of pain and I'm sorry for that. Many couples go through this disconnect and hope to come to reconnect before things get to a breaking point. What I think can help is the following: 1.) Understand what his primary concern is2.) Understand what your primary concern is3.) What would you like to see different?4.) What would he like to see different? 5.) Be honest about your concern with him having friends (Be ready for honesty)6.) Help him understand you feel alone without him feeling guilty.7.) Let him know how committed you are to making this relationship despite the two of you drifting apart.8.) Sometimes if you just acknowledge the elephant in the room.9.) Couples/Marriage Therapy

Every time I send a message to someone or a group message on Instagram, iMessage, or snapchat people will read my messages but then they won't answer me. Could it be that there is something they don't like about me? I don't understand why they won't answer my messages. How do I get people to respond to me?

Sorry to hear your friends aren't responding to you. If these friends are in-person as well as online, perhaps going to them in person and asking talking to them about your concern. Perhaps it's the way you send messages or the way they are receiving them. if they say no, then a simple request to respond to your messages. Measure the result and notice if there are even small differences. Also understand, why this is so important to you. Ask yourself, why it's so important for you to receive these messages from friends. What does it mean when they don't respond. 

I'm 15 and my girlfriend is 14. Am I a pedophile because I'm attracted to her and she's under 18?

No. You are not a pedophile. You are both under the appropriate age where it would be seen so. Your both only a year a part so this shouldn't a worry to you. Like Frank said below, Pedophelia is a problem that won't apply to this situation. 

I know that I need to get past my feelings for this person I fell in love with, but t's so difficult to move on because he showed me feelings I've never felt before. I feel like I don't want to be without my genuine love for him, but logically, I know I need to be without him. I can't discuss this with anybody in my life because the conditions surrounding our love are considered "wrong" by a lot of people. How can I get myself to just move on?

One of the most challenging areas for people to deal with is getting over the the person you have loved so much. It's a catch 22. You know mentally that it's not healthy to think about them. However, your feelings are still there. Moving on is tough. It takes time for feeling to go away. That's the thing, it's not the person you're trying to get over, it's the feeling and the idea of them that is that makes it difficult. You've learned a lot from the relationship and time will help. Activity will also help. Are you actively living your life? If not, go out and maybe it's time to date and find new love. Grow with new relationships and it will help create focus on someone who may even be better than the love you previously experienced. You can do it!Earl Lewiswww.RelationshipsGoneRight.Com 

Cheating is something unacceptable for me but because we have two daughters I decided not to break up the family. However, now I am struggling to forget and forgive what happened. I feel like I cannot trust him. Without trust, I cannot stay in this relationship. On the other hand, I do not want my children to get hurt. I'm not sure how to move forward?

To begin, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Like many of the professionals have stated, infidelity is a very difficult obstacle to move forward from. It's not impossible. While forgetting is probably the hardest part, forgiveness is something that can and will happen. There are things you can do to help yourself. The first this is identifying what you feel is best for yourself and your children. That means being honest with how you feel being in this relationship on a daily basis and understanding how it's affecting you. Second, how is your relationship affecting the children. Do you feel that by staying in the relationship that it's affecting your daily interaction with them. If so, that' something to keep in mind. Next, Really looking at the pros and cons of staying in the relationship. A specific breakdown of what benefits come with staying and what are the ramifications. Vice-versa for leaving. Include your partner. I think being honest with him and letting him know what you are thinking is could be a great option. At least you aren't keeping something inside yourself to manage. Rather, you are being transparent to them. Sometimes a couple can come to an agreement that it may be time to end things and other times it may be best to keep moving forward with a serious plan to how to move forward. Regardless, if you can't trust him and that feeling will never go away it's time to address it. Couple therapy can be beneficial as well as a therapist can provide professional counseling to you. Earl Lewiswww.RelationshipsGoneRight.com

My fiancé and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough sexual attention from me. I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?

Hello. Thank you for your question. Many couples that experience infidelity in their relationship face this important question - "is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?" Deciding to stay or leave is such a personal decision, one that only you can make.When an affair is disclosed or found out, it can have a traumatic impact on the betrayed partner. The betrayed partner might be overwhelmed by intrusive thoughts - Wanting answers to specific questions - Wanting details. And the partner that had the affair might be feeling overwhelm around "Will their partner ever forgive them?" "Will they trust them again?" "How long will it take to regain their trust again?" While it is possible for couples to get past the cheating, it does take a commitment from each partner to do the work needed. Because of the complexities cheating has on the bond couples have with each other, I would recommend seeing a couple therapist that specializes in working with the issue of infidelity. When infidelity happens, there are usually a number of secrets that accompany it, and this can be incredibly difficult for couples to work through on their own.  

My fiancé and I have been together for 3 years and our relationship has always been good. The only issue we had was that he felt like he wasn't getting enough sexual attention from me. I recently found out he cheated on me with another women. He says he wants his family back but I'm confused on what to do. Is it possible for us to get past the cheating, or should I just move on?

Finding out about an affair is quite an emotional experience. It's usually jarring. I encourage you to give yourself some compassion about emotions that you have.You asked whether it is possible to get past the cheating and the answer is that it can be. It depends on many factors.I would recommend that you see a therapist who specializes in working with couples. There are certain ways that both of you could learn more about yourselves and each other that may actually serve to make your relationship stronger. Sometimes there are motivations for having an affair that can be discussed in therapy in a way that you become more aware of what each other is experiencing and where you want to go from here. It could be that learning to communicate differently would be helpful.Regarding whether you should "just move on," I recommend talking about with a therapist as well. At the very least, you can discuss more about what you are thinking and feeling and what your choices are as far as where you want to go from here.

What makes a healthy marriage last?

A resource I think is helpful to learn more about "what makes a good marriage" and steps toward doing so is Dr. John Gottman's book: "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." Dr. Gottman is a leader in this field and has done extensive studies with couples to determine what behaviors are key in making a marriage work and what behaviors could predict divorce. I think this book might be a good start if you're wanting to learn more about how to have a long lasting relationship. 

Does counseling really do anything that can help people?

I believe that counseling (and finding a GOOD therapist) will be of significant help when the individual seeking therapy desires change, improvement, and overall growth. Most counseling involves homework and a level of commitment outside of session that also contributes to resolution of problems and an ability to cope with stresses in a productive way. Here are some of the key ways that therapy can help. 1. Helps to define the problem and gain a clearer understanding of where it originates. Many people seek counseling because of symptoms they are experiencing. These can include feeling sad, increased sleeping, substance use, panic attacks, self-harm, isolating one’s self, academic decline, etc. Often times, people are not aware of what is causing these symptoms. Having a therapist to help guide and explore why the symptoms are occurring and where they come from will give individuals increased insight and awareness into their problems. 2. Allows for a safe outlet to vent. Not everyone likes to share their problems with close friends or family members. Maybe they don’t want others to know of their flaws. Maybe they don’t want to burden others with their problems. Or maybe they just are not comfortable talking about themselves. And in some situations people do not have the option of talking with someone they know because they have no friends or family. While talking with those we know can help bring some relief it is also nice to talk with someone like a therapist who is objective and emotionally removed from given situations. Counseling gives a safe outlet in which one can express their personal feelings and thoughts without feeling judged. 3. Counselors can offer various problem solving solutions. A good therapist usually will not directly point their client in the direction they need to go. Counseling is about growth and teaching the client to identify triggers and use effective coping strategies that will bring about emotional and psychological relief. Counselors will help clients to explore the various options available in given situation, based on the client’s needs, wants, and values and will help them to choose the option that best fits with their desired outcome. 4. Gives one the tools needed to cope with current and future problems. Many individuals that seek therapy have never learned good coping strategies. Perhaps they did not have parents or caretakers to model productive ways to cope or maybe the symptoms they are suffering from are overbearing and take away the energy needed to cope. Different diagnoses require different tools; however some are beneficial for any problem and any individual. These include but are not limited to relaxation techniques, breathing exercises, development of healthy routines, using mindfulness, improving communication skills, and recognizing and changing maladaptive thought patterns. A good counselor will teach clients how to use these tools, will often practice them during session, and will assign homework for further practice and mastery of the skills.  

I've never been able to talk with my parents. My parents are in their sixties while I am a teenager. I love both of them but not their personalities. I feel that they do not take me seriously whenever I talk about a serious event in my life. If my dad doesn’t believe me, then my mom goes along with my dad and acts like she doesn’t believe me either. I’m a pansexual, but I can’t trust my own parents. I've fought depression and won; however, stress and anxiety are killing me. I feel that my friends don't listen to me. I know they have their own problems, which I do my best to help with. But they don't always try to help me with mine, when I really need them. I feel as if my childhood has been taken from me. I feel as if I have no one whom I can trust.

One of the most difficult challenges we face is not being heard! It is incredibly frustrating and hurtful when others, especially parents, do not listen. While your parents surely love you and want to understand you, it may be difficult for them to fully understand your feelings and experiences. They are quite a bit older and have likely not dealt with some of the struggles that you face. I would suggest communicating your feelings to them about not being heard. Talk to them during a non-emotional moment when the discussion is not already heated. In other words, do not wait until an argument ensues to have an open discussion with them about how you are feeling. Prepare them by asking them what time is good for them to talk. Let them know you have something important to get off your chest. Try and avoid using exaggerated or extreme language such as "you NEVER listen," "you ALWAYS say..." and stray away from placing blame. Instead of beginning your statements with "you" try using "I" by letting them know how their behavior effects you. Finally, let them know that they are important to you and that having their trust and support would mean a lot to you. Perhaps giving them suggestions as to what you wish for and would like to see change would help them to better understand.I would also suggest that you seek guidance from a therapist, teacher, or school counselor if possible. Most schools have counseling resources on sight in which a trained professional is available to talk with students looking for help.Best of luck to you.

I know I need to deal with my depression. But I don't know how and I don't want to tell anyone. How can I deal with depression without telling anyone?

Hello,It is completely understandable that you would not want people to know about your depression. I would first like commend you for realizing that you need to help with your depression by reaching out here. That is a great start, and you've taken the very first courageous step. Depression can feel debilitating and overwhelming. Depression is also a very personal thing and no one has know but you and the therapist. The best way to begin learningand dealing is to pick up the phone and call a therapist or email a therapist and schedule a session. The great news is that with professional help you can feel better and you will learn how deal with and manage the depression. There are many ways to help with depression that a therapist can teach you and help guide. You do not have do this alone. Asking for help and going to therapy is a strength! This can be done in a private and confidential setting.Depression should be treated by a therapist, in a safe, confidential office setting. The therapist can then discuss your depression with you in more detail to figure out the underlying cause, how long you've been feeling this way and identify what brings on these feelings. There is hope and depression can be treated with great success, you CAN feel good again. Depression can be managed appropriately by seeing a licensed therapist. Often times therapy will offer relief because you would have someone there simply to listen to you, validate your feelings and listen to your story. The therapist will be able to offer professional insight and perspective on the situation and help you think outside the box. The therapist can do many things with you, provide insight and offer many ideas to help you learn new coping skills and ideas of things you enjoy, encouraging you to re engage in hobbies you once enjoyed or even discover new things you may enjoy. There are creative ways to learn to cope too!Your therapist will also be there to support you, without judgement, at your pace, through the entire process. But the first step is finding a therapist and beginning to identify the cause your depression. Healing is possible and getting your happiness back is also possible.Feel free contact me for additional help or informationLaura Cassity, LMSW, LMAC

I have several issues that I need to work through. However, I am afraid of and do not trust therapists after a horrible experience. I'm dealing with grief and guilt over losing my sons due to drug use. I have a very complicated traumatic relationship issue that is causing me severe anxiety and fear.

I am sorry that you had this experience. Therapy should be a healthy positive experience off g growth. You have the right to look for certain high qualities in a therapist and finding the right one. Each therapist is bound by a code of ethics and clients should have high expectations. You are trusting them to guide, support and help you achieve the absolute best outcome and success. You should never be or feel judged, and you should feel comfortable and feel as though your therapy process is moving along with YOUR GOALS IN MIND. Speaking as a therapist, I encourage my clients to always let me know how they feel, even if they disagree with me, they also have the right to inform me if something I'm doing simply is not working for them, communication is critical in maintaining a healthy therapeutic alliance/ therapeutic relationship. I'm able to offer ways of thinking and strategies to my clients they may not have thought of. Its important to listen to my clients. It's also critical for clients to feel they can share in a environment that feels safe, non judgmental and confidential.Remember, you are the driver in your healing process, you should be the one in control because you know what your life struggles are. Speaking as a therapist, I'm here to guide my clients toward achieving their goals, encouraging and empowering my clients in what is meaningful to them to achieve. You should feel comfortable speaking your thoughts, my advice would look one who open hearing toy feel, even it's regarding them a therapist. That they are open to feedback.With all of that being said, it will take time to trust again but remember, ask questions and communicate with the next therapist  share  your experience and how it made you feel and that trust and being spoken  in a respectful , non judgemental and non condnscending way is critical for you. Be honest clearly state your expectations from start.  I offer free 50 minute first sessions for clients. The reason. I do this is because I feel that clients deserve opportunity observe the environment, ask me questions and have the opportunity to determine their level of comfort and decide if it's a good fit. Other therapists sometimes offer the similar, try finding one willing to offer a  consultation as that could give you the opportunity to feel things out and set forth expectations.The article below is an excellent article about what to look for in a therapist. It is worth your time reading because you are WORTH FINDING THE BEST HELP AVAILABLE! This article was written based on both evidence from research and clinical experience. I would strongly encourage anyone searching for help to read this and even use it as your guide. I hope this was helpful.https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/insight-therapy/201603/10-ways-spot-good-therapistLaura Cassity, LMSW, LMAC

I don't remember when the voices in my head started, but I remember Hearing them when I was little. I know it's not normal to hear voices that aren't your own. I fight the voices and I want them to stop. They've been here so long and I want them gone. How can I make the voices stop?

First, let me express my support and compassion for what you're going through. Hearing voices can be incredibly difficult and can feel like you can't get a moment's peace, even in the privacy of your own mind. And not everyone will necessarily understand what you're dealing with, so I imagine you may also be feeling isolated or somehow different. Atta girl/boy on reaching out for help! Many people find benefit to taking medications, such as risperdal, seroquel, and so on. These should be prescribed by a nurse practitioner or psychiatrist -- I do not recommend a primary care doctor venture into this area, as a general rule. Discuss the options thoroughly and insist on a good rapport with your prescriber, if you decide to go this route. Some people are having results with a talk-therapist to develop coping strategies. There is a new and somewhat less conventional approach to challenging voices with a professional to assist you, rather than to suppress the voices, which medication will do. There is peer-run organization and a general approach that attempts to live with voices in a different way.  You can read about it in Living With Voices by Marius Romme. I have heard interviews but have not read the book(s) and can't speak to its efficacy. No matter what steps you decide to try, managing your stress, sleep, exercise, healthy food is essential -- in other words, just the daily care and feeding of yourself should be included in all of your efforts and bears surprising benefits to your brain and emotional health. Best wishes to you,Karen Keys, LMHC, CASAC

We're in an eight year relationship. My boyfriend drinks a lot. He experienced childhood trauma. I don't know how to deal with violent outbursts.

First, let me extend my compassion to both of you -- it sounds like you have a lot on your plates. Childhood trauma carries its negative effects into our adulthood and affects everyone who loves us. Your question is brief, so I'll just try to give general answers as best I can. From my experiences treating many people with your boyfriend's experiences, the short, healthy answer is that you can't fix the situation and maybe not even be able to help. He needs a professional. Period. What you can do, is take care of yourself. With his background, it is not likely that he will be able to help you or take care of you in a healthy way. Your task needs to prioritize your own safety and well-being. Trauma and substance abuse are the definition of being out of control, unable to set and manage appropriate boundaries, manage his own emotions and behaviors. So your boyfriend is unlikely to be able to change in the near-term, certainly not without professional help. You might also benefit from help and support, to understand your own role in your relationship and how you can make changes in your life. I am NOT blaming you for any aspect of your boyfriend's behavior, only acknowledging that there are two people in every relationship. If you have accepted your boyfriend's drinking and violent outbursts in the past (by staying in the relationship), that is likely to perpetuate his behavior. And there isn't any way to "handle violent outbursts." They shouldn't be handled at all, and if you have to be away from your boyfriend during his outbursts in order to be emotionally and physically safe, then that may be what you will have to do. We can never really change anyone else. The only person we can change is ourselves. Sometimes our behavior changes the odds of another person's behaviors, but it doesn't control it. I would recommend that you work with a professional to first, ensure your own safety above all. Then make decisions about what behavior you are willing to accept or be connected to, and which you want to separate from. Whatever your boyfriend does in his life, you will be happier if you manage your own feelings, set boundaries, etc. Let me say again that you also would benefit from some good insight and support as you continue your journey. Wishing you and your boyfriend healing and recovery. 

My brother has been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and has not been taking his medication. He's been using methamphetamine and alcohol and was found sleeping naked in my step mom driveway in 12 degree weather. I was adopted in by his dad (who just passed) and his mother will not Get involved because she's afraid of financial responsibility. Do I have the rights to be able to sign my brother into mentalhealth facility?

Hello, My heart goes out to you, your brother, and your family, dealing with a very painful and difficult situation. In New York, you can't institutionalize someone else directly. You can, however, call the police or EMS. If they agree that he would benefit from hospitalization (and it sounds like they would), he can be held in the hospital for up to 72 hours, whether he agrees or not. Some hospitals will not hold a person that long, in spite of what we might want. I have seen many patients in and out of hospitals countless times, and it has been my experience that it can be extremely difficult to hold a person long enough to achieve good stability and an appropriate after-care plan. Hospitals in NYC tend to take a "patch and release" approach more often than I would like. It's been my experience that family makes a difference. Assertive, knowledgeable, persistent family can improve the quality of your loved one's care. Hospitals are highly pressured to discharge people quickly but they can not discharge a homeless person without someplace to go. If your family is willing to accept your brother, that will be the path of least resistance for the hospital. If the family refuses, they will be forced to find another path for him. You can also pressure the hospital to refer to rehab after psychiatrically stablized (which may only take a few days) and that may give your brother more time to begin making clear-headed decisions. If your brother has a psychiatrist, that person should be actively involved. I had a patient patched-and-released three times, in spite of my advocacy and him literally begging to remain and stop his voices. We finally got a 90 day hospitalization because I strong-armed his psychiatrist into demanding that the hospital stabilize his patient.  If your brother has a history of non--compliance with oral medications, you can push the hospital for injection, which again will help your brother stay stable for longer. Best wishes to you and your family. 

I am in my 30s with 2 kids and no job and I'm behind on the bills. I've been trying everything with no results. I feel like everyone else puts their needs in front on mine. I give intil it hurts and I'm afraid that I'm going to fail my babies I've been struggling for 5 yrs in a relationship with no communication and no alone time. How can I get some support?

I would want to know where do you put your needs? Often times we show people how to treat us based on how we treat ourselves. First identify how to practice good self care which can only happen when you are authentic and real about your needs and desires. You cannot pour from an empty cup and must take find the time to explore your purpose in life. It may be helpful to seek out additional support to work on your intrapersonal relationship. 

My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.

It is difficult to implement healthy boundaries when the person is a parent or family member. I would encourage you to identify how it makes you feel after talking with your mother. Work on establishing healthy boundaries where you do not feel obligated to engage the complaining daily. Maybe setting a time limit to talk with your mother and practicing how to be assertive and not disrespect or aggressive. Helping your mother understand how you feel using  "I" statements  i.e  ( I feel _____ when you call to talk about my sister). Maybe asking your mom how can you be supportive of her during this time other than listening to her vent. It may also be helpful for your mother to get connected with support groups to help her cope with this life change. 

Every winter I find myself getting sad because of the weather. How can I fight this?

Seasonal depression can be difficult due to the weather being a primary trigger. Understanding that we have very little control over the weather, therefore we can focus on the things we can change. Exercising, meditation, guided imagery, and deep breathing can be beneficial to combat seasonal depression. It may help to join a support group and seek out therapy to assist you on this healing journey.

I'm obsessing about a terrible breakup. Everything is a constant reminder. How do I move on?

The best way to move on is to give yourself sufficient time and space away from your ex so you can heal.  That means no checking out your ex on social media platforms and no contact.  In order to move on and diminish the obsessions, help yourself recognize and accept that the relationship is over, and make sure to get sufficient support in processing all your feelings.  Once that takes place, it can be useful to explore and process with a professional the meaning of the relationship and to understand your part in what transpired.Sometimes people obsess because they have difficulties accepting what's already taken place and want things to be different.  The key to moving forward is to be loving toward yourself, to give yourself permission to grieve the loss, and to start cultivating new and healthy habits/patterns.  Reengage in your present life, ask yourself what you want your life to look like, and start creating goals and taking small steps to create the amazing life you want for yourself.  

I've always thought that there wasn't much good out there for me. Now that things are actually going well, it kind of scares me. I spent most of my life feeling unwanted and figured I would be alone. I recently met a great woman who seems to really like me, and I don't know how to process this. It's bothering both of us.

Hi! Thank you for your question. It's tough to be in a healthy and loving relationship when we believe we are not worth it. Quite often being in such a relationship is very uncomfortable as it goes against everything we believe about ourselves. First, I want to say you are very brave to open up yourself to the relationship with this wonderful woman you met. Second, I would like to invite you to treat yourself with compassion as you are entering this unknown territory for yourself. Doing something new and totally unfamiliar can be scary, so it's vital that you are kind and gentle with yourself. Acknowledge that what you are doing is scary and uncomfortable and that it will take some time to get used to it. Don't judge yourself and force yourself to feel a certain way. It's important that you are patient with yourself and tolerant of your discomfort. With time, space, kindness, and tolerance your discomfort and fear will start to dissolve. Invite your new partner to also relate to your feelings in the open and compassionate way. The worst thing that you or your partner can do is to rush your feelings, pressure you to feel in a different way or to say that there is something wrong with you cause you feel a certain way. Please be gentle with yourself and celebrate and acknowledge every small victory. Every time you do something little, like holding hands or receive a compliment and it no longer scares you as it did a week ago - celebrate that progress! 

I have PTSD. The side effects are really bad and have impacts on sex, anger and my relationships. I even lost my job month ago. How can I get my life back?

Hi there, I hear you, PTSD has a very debilitating effect on your whole life. I know that from personal experience. Recovering from it is possible and doable! First is step is to acknowledge to yourself that your PTSD symptoms are a normal reaction to an abnormal and traumatic event. The nightmares, the anxiety, the heightened startle response - are all typical human responses following exposure to a frightening event. It's important that you don't blame yourself or your body for reacting this way, rather approach yourself with compassion and kindness that you would extend a friend who is hurting. The second step is to start taking steps towards healing. I would really encourage you to see a counselor or therapist specializing in trauma recovery so that you have a guided, step by step support. But if this is not an option, you can begin your healing on your own using a step-by-step approach outlined in the book, Healing Trauma, by Peter Levin. It's a very hands-on book and even comes with a CD audio guide. It has concrete exercises that you can do to help you eliminate dissociation, feel grounded, and decrease your anxiety response. I have used myself and with my clients with great success! You can begin your recovery journey now with this video with Peter Levin's approach to Trauma Recovery: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmJDkzDMllcOne last thing, I suggest consulting with a nutritionist or a doctor to help you boost your healing with supplements, vitamins, and minerals. The stress from PTSD is very draining on the body, and you use up a lot of energy and resources, so at times of trauma supplements are quite necessary for recovery (Magnesium, Omega 3, Zinc, Vitamin C....etc)

My mother takes care of niece whom my sister abandoned. She calls me every day complaining, but I don't want to hear it anymore.

This sounds like a possible boundary issue. Boundaries are important in relationships. They are invisible lines that we will or will not cross. It is up to us to create and hold them. We have the ability to rethink them and change them as needed. It sounds like you have thought it through and would like to makes changes in the relationship between your mother and you. In the main question, you want to avoid the family member, however in the following comment, it sounds like you may just want the avoid that conversation, not so much your mother. Once we review the issue and decide what we need (create the boundary), I suggest opening talking with the person when everyone is calm (not in the middle of a stressful moment when we often are unable to focus and hear the other person). Always understanding that we had time to think about this issue and the other person has not (catching them off guard). State clearly your need. Such as "I am not comfortable with hearing about my sister. It stresses me out. I would appreciate it if you would not bring it up anymore. If you do, I will not respond and I will change the subject " It is important to use "I" statements. I feel" this way". I will "do this". We only have power over our actions. Also when we use "you " comments, the other person can become defensive and unable to hear what we are saying. Once we let ourselves know what we need, then let the other people know our new boundary, then it is up to us to follow through. We will make mistakes. Not follow through every time with our boundary. That is okay. Start again. It gets easier with practice. It is also appropriate to reconsider and change your boundary as needed. Just let the others know when you need to change it. Remember, they can not read our minds. I wish you much strength and hope the best for you and your family.www.parishhealthandwellness.com

I'm a female in my mid 20s. Lately I tend to over drink and I've become a very angry drunk. In the past, I have even cheated on my boyfriend while I was under the influence of alcohol. But now, even if I don't do anything wrong and don't embarrass myself, I still feel really guilty after a night of drinking. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Does this mean I have a problem?

Hello, I commend you for your courage in taking a look at the role alcohol has in your life. It sounds like you're concerned about what happens when you drink too much and I suspect you already know the answer to your question about whether you have a problem or not. I imagine you would like to stop feeling guilty and would like to avoid cheating on your boyfriend or other negative consequences and maybe have a fear of being or becoming an "addict" or "alcoholic." You might have a "problem" but that does not necessarily mean that you are an addict. I don't have information to know if "addiction" or "dependence" or other words would best describe where you are with drinking, but it sounds like it's begun to have some negatives, so forgive me using words like addict, dependence and so on. I mean it more as a road map than a diagnosis. The feedback I'm writing here is very general and doesn't address physical dependence and many other factors that might apply to your situation.  One of the ways to think about substance (mis)use is to think of addiction as a disease of avoidance. Let me repeat that: it is a disease of avoidance. Your ultimate task in living a balanced life is to figure out what you're avoiding and develop other ways to manage those feelings, experiences, and so on. And of course, along the way, you may want to look at triggers, situations, biological vulnerability, social pressures, coping skills, relapse prevention planning and so on. Depending on where you are in your drinking, you might very well benefit from expertise and support. Remember also that alcohol depresses our central nervous system and disinhibits us. That means that alcohol is often a substance of choice to relax, destress, calm down, etc. Also, it allows feelings, thoughts, and behaviors that we usually inhibit to be expressed. If you were unfaithful and often angry, that's your first signpost. For angry drinkers, it is often true that you don't drink and then get angry, you drink in order to express anger. I recommend you find someone you can speak frankly with, who is knowledgeable about addiction. Wishing you the best health and wellness. 

My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child?

You're in a difficult situation and on behalf of you and your child, I commend you for trying to find the right thing to do.Short version: your child needs you as much as possible. period. Always. We used to think that children were almost always harmed by divorce, unless there was extreme conflict or violence. More recent data shows that children are not necessarily harmed by divorce if they keep both their parents. In other words, the damaging part is losing half of themselves and losing the value of being connected to everyone who loves them, especially the other parent, in addition to the extra benefit there is from the other parent's perspective, strengths and so on. The best thing for your child is for you to be available and loving and doing everything possible to allow the child to be whole - a person who incorporates BOTH parents. It's a tragedy for everyone to use a child to achieve adult aims, like getting back at a former spouse. In such a circumstance, your child needs you more than ever. If you and your wife have different rules and so on, your child will learn to adjust and adapt, just as they would if you remained in the household. A child quickly learns that they talk to mom about x,y,z or get away with whatever, but has different rules with dad. He/she will not be too confused in the long run. Please stay the course in dealing with a difficult ex-wife for you and your child's wellbeing. Best of luck to all.

I am going through a very hard time and I'm so depressed. My parents are getting a divorce and a lot of bad things are happening. I want to lull myself.

It sounds like a tough time and it's normal to feel down when your family is going through a divorce or other hardship. There's a difference between feelings like sadness, discouragement, grief, loneliness and depression, though. Sadness is sadness and sometimes we have to go through a grieving or other process, that is a normal reaction to events in our lives. Depression, on the other hand, is more about being stuck. Lulling yourself with self-care sounds like a healthy response and a way to give yourself support. So as to the uncomfortable but healthy part of your feelings, do the best you can to put names to it and share with a trusted other person. You will find comfort. The part of your situation that's depression -- feeling stuck, not able to get out of bad, concentrate, changes in sleeping and eating, loss of enjoyment in living, poor hygiene, feelings of hopelessness, that's different. First step, identify your own symptoms of depression. If you have any thoughts of hurting yourself, tell someone. If you're not sure, you can try 800-lifenet or other support line to get feedback. First aid for depression includes: daily care and feeding, good sleeping and eating, lots of exercise--even when you don't feel like it-- healthy socializing, and focusing on talking to yourself in a positive way. If you aren't able to move yourself out of your depression,  work with a professional to make short-term goals and get some support. You may also talk to your doctor or psychiatrist about trying an anti-depressant to give you a little lift while you go through a rough patch.Best wishes,Karen

I've always thought that there wasn't much good out there for me. Now that things are actually going well, it kind of scares me. I spent most of my life feeling unwanted and figured I would be alone. I recently met a great woman who seems to really like me, and I don't know how to process this. It's bothering both of us.

You're in a lot of good company and it's great that you're in a positive relationship. Congratulations!I often hear people talk about loving yourself and self esteem. We often seem to blame ourselves for not "loving ourselves" enough or put ourselves down for having low self esteem. It seems to me that since we are essentially socially beings and in fact, need each other for our survival, we really know who we are through our many interactions with others and with our environment. In other words, you can't just snap your fingers and voila! now I love myself, where there was an empty space or self-doubt before. We grow that warm coal inside ourselves through the friction of contact with others who value and validate us.  Allow yourself to be patient with yourself as you experience this new relationship. You are learning a new model of who you are and how you fit into the world. What a marvelous gift for you! You may also have fears that the current joys may be temporary or unreliable. These fears of loss may get in your way, however understandable. If you are truly close to your companion, you can share with her that you are loving your relationship but sometimes fear it will go away and sometimes have trouble really trusting it. Such a conversation may bring you both closer. Hang in there. You're working on co-creating a new normal with a great woman. 

I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?

It is totally normal - you have a lot riding on this and you're invested! Think about why you feel so shaky - is it something about the therapist or their style? If so, it would be a good idea to talk with them about it so you feel more at ease. In any case bringing up your feelings about therapy in therapy is totally appropriate and even necessary. Good luck!

I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?

I would be more concerned with how is this being addressed in therapy. Therapy can be a rewarding process, however often times we do not pay much attention to the messages being sent to our bodies. I believe in somatic therapy which deals with our mind & body connection. I would think it may not be a question of normal or abnormal however if it is impacting you then you must pay attention to that. It would be helpful to explore the feelings you're having  with your therapist. It may be something that needs addressing to help alleviate those feelings or have a better understanding of why they are showing up when it is time for therapy. 

I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?

Thank you for your question. It's completely normal and natural to feel nervous before a therapy session. Many people report having felt this way. I can't say enough regarding the amount of courage it takes to reach out and attend a therapy session. For many people, it can take weeks, months, or even years of contemplating whether to see a therapist or not before actually contacting one and attending the first session. It takes courage to want to work through any struggles you may be having or personal growth you aspire toward. In your question, you mentioned that you've "gone several times and are still feeling nervous and shaky." If you feel comfortable with your therapist and it's a good fit for you, I would suggest talking about this with your therapist. You don't have to struggle each time you have your appointment. Together, you and your therapist can work toward helping you have a different experience. 

I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?

Everyone has different experiences going to therapy. Being nervous can be a typical emotion one might feel. Emotions are our body's way of telling us important information about ourselves. I would suggest talking openly in your sessions about this. That way you can process your thoughts and feelings with the guidance of your counselor. There are probably underlining emotions (fears or insecurities) that are being stirred up during your therapy sessions. Your counselor might suggest individual counseling depending on what you learn about your anxiety. In individual therapy you would have time to deal with your own stressors. As you address your issues, then you will have tools and skills that will be useful in addressing the couple relationship. 

I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?

Hi there, Thank you for your question. It's absolutely ok to feel nervous going to therapy. I have experienced anxiety going to see my own therapist. There can be a few reasons why you might feel this way. First, it is always unnerving to see a person who is a stranger and to share intimate things with that stranger. You mentioned it has only been a couple of sessions. Your anxiety might subside as you continue to see your therapist and grow more comfortable with him/her. Another reason why you might feel particularly nervous is perhaps you are not comfortable sharing things. As children, we might have bad experiences opening up to others. Someone might bully or ridicule us, and that experience can stay with us for a long time, making it extra scary to share our intimate feelings and thoughts with others. If this the case, as you continue with your sessions and have positive interactions with your therapists, this anxiety will subside with time and you will re-learn that it is safe to share. And the last thought why you might feel the shakes is perhaps you know that you need to talk about some past experiences or memories that are uncomfortable and difficult. Regardless of the reason, it might help you to bring up your nervousness in your session and share how you feel with your therapist. Having an open dialogue about your anxiety with your therapist can help you resolve some of that anxiety and built greater trust with your therapist. 

My husband and I have been married for seven years, and in that time, we have only had sex four or five times. Others have told me that most men would have left me by now. Honestly, I think I have a low sex drive or neither one of us actually knows what we are doing. I want to be better connected with my husband.

Hi there, Thank you for your openness about the challenge you are experiencing in your relationship. Sexual intimacy is an important part of many people's life, but how much importance is placed on it varies from couple to couple. The first step would be to have an open conversation with your husband. It's important you are both open about what you desire from sexual intimacy and how much intimacy each one of you wants. For example, asking your husband how often does he want to have sex/ week or /month. When having this conversation, it's important that you are both respectful and open with each other. The point of the conversation is to get to know each other and not to solve a problem, yet. There are couples who enjoy fulfilling platonic/friendship relationships with minimal or no sex because both partners are not interested in it. If you are both on the same page - lack of sex might not be a problem. If there is a difference in your sex drive and frequency of desire, I would recommend seeing a professional relationship & sex therapist as a couple to help you explore your current sexual dynamic, what's creating it, what's getting in a way of connecting sexually and to assist you and your husband in finding creative solutions. 

I'm obsessing about a terrible breakup. Everything is a constant reminder. How do I move on?

Hi, Break ups can be very devastating and even traumatic. Recovering from one is a process that is unique for everyone person and will take time. It's important that you don't compare yourself to others. Each and every person will experience this grieving process differently. Here are a few tips to help with your recovery: 1. Make sure you surround yourself with people who love you and support you, friends and family. Even though you might feel like being alone, make an effort to be around them. 2. Although you might not feel like it, try to take care of yourself as much as possible: eat healthily, get regular sleep, & vigorous or gentle exercise (depending on your mood). The last thing that we want to do when we are physically sick (e.g. flu) is to take care of ourselves even thought that's what we need the most. But when we do get that chicken broth, sleep and vitamins we recover much faster and with less discomfort. That's exactly the same when it comes to emotional pain. Take care of yourself, keep yourself strong and healthy so you can recover faster. 3. As much as possible, put away reminders of the relationship. You might not be ready to throw things out, but try to put them away in a box in the storage or in a closet. And also block Social Media reminders. There is a lot of wisdom in the saying "Out of Sight, Out of Mind." 4. Once the initial shock and intensity of the break up wear off, try out something new. In a relationship, we often forget and give up on things that we always wanted to do or to try. Now it's time to bring out that dusty bucket list and start trying something new. 5. If possible, change your scenery by going away on vacation with a friend or even by yourself. Changing your surroundings can really help you change your thoughts, mindset and forget your ex even if just for a few hours. Even a weekend getaway with a couple of girlfriends can do wonders. 6. In addition, to help you make sense of your past relationship and what went wrong, I would highly recommend seeing a professional counsellor or therapist. 

I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?

"Normal" can be an insidious word to use because it can undermine your sense of worth.  It implies there's one particular way you should be behaving and can leave you feeling crappy and "abnormal" if you're not behaving according to that prescribed standard.  Instead, what I'd recommend is to pay attention to your emotional experiences when you're attending therapy.  Explore your feelings and thoughts without judgement and try to reflect and understand what's going on that's causing you anxiety.  Once you figure out the underlying meaning of the anxiety, you can figure out a way to handle it and action steps to take to diminish it.  

I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?

Hello there.  You ask about being nervous and shaky walking in to your therapy session and want to know if its normal? ...  I realize there a few ways to look at this.  I presume you weren't anticipating feeling this way; and probably hoped to feel the opposite..  Well, my initial response is yes, sure, it can be within reason to feel this way.  Have you been in therapy before? Is this somewhat new? That could be part of the reason. But either way; new or not, I think when are entering into a meeting that holds potential evaluation of deep things about you and your heart and soul, it can cause anyone to tremble. The soul can be anticipating some things could be shaken up here, and it can feel scary to look at these things and then change.  Looking deep at our life can feel daunting and scary; so your response just might be regards to potential growth trying to happen.   OR, is there something about the therapist you don't feel confident about?  This too might be in play as a reason for your feelings...  Maybe you lack confidence in that therapist ?  Have you let your therapist know how you feel?  That would be good to explore...I would like to encourage you to look at these ideas.  Hope it helps.   Let me knowKindly,keithkeithcounseling.com

I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?

It's normal to feel a little anxiety--after all it's an important encounter for you.  My suggestion is to discuss this with your therapist, let him/her know how you're feeling, especially if you feel as though your level of anxiety is impacting the quality and benefit of your sessions.  You might try some relaxation techniques prior to starting the session, deep breathing, progressive relaxation, core muscle dis-engagement--If you're not familiar with these techniques ask your therapist or write back.

I am becoming a Water Safety Instructor but I didn't have enough for a proper swimsuit. I was told by a boy in class that my top was displaying everything. I was very embarrassed.

As far as I can tell, you received unwanted attention, but you didn't do anything wrong.  What did your instructor say? Anything? If the outfit was not appropriate then the instructor should tell you--If he/she didn't then assume the swimsuit was okay, but the gentleman in the class wanted your attention and took it upon himself to comment, in order to get that attention.  If you don't want his attention then you have a couple of choices--wear a shirt  over the swim top, find an inexpensive swim top to replace the one you have, or wear what you have as long as the instructor doesn't say anything, and if you get unwanted attention say in as confident, slightly loud, voice as you can muster.  "I don't appreciate your critique of what I'm wearing, we're here to take a class, let's just focus on that. Then,  Turn on your heel and walk away.

My ex-wife married and used me to have a child. She now uses that child as a pawn. I know my child misses me, but I need to move on and not live in the past. How do I do this? Do I see my child as much as possible or very little? Is it more confusing for the child?

If you have a good relationship with your child then you have already accepted and been accepted as this child's parent and you have a commitment and an obligation to play that role.  If you suddenly absent yourself from this child's life then you may be doing real damage. Working out an arrangement with the child's mother for regular visits the child can count on and committed to by both parents will serve the best interest of the child, which I assume is what both parents are truly concerned with.  The visits don't have to be every day, once a week, even once a month, is better than hit and miss with long absences in between.  Best of luck to you, and the fact that you asked the question says volumes about your parenting potential.  Feel free to follow up with me, on line or in person.

I'm always listening to my husband, but it feels like he never listens to me. How do I get my husband to listen to me instead of me listening to him all the time?

Have the two of you ever discussed how you feel?  I know given the nature of your question that's probably not likely, but I'm going to suggest it any way.  He needs to understand that how you feel about this issue equates to not being as happy in the relationship as you could be or he thinks you are.  So start there, that may be more of an attention getter than "you never listen to me" yes I do etc.  Direct opener:  I'm not as happy in this relationship as I think we both deserve.  Pause, and if you won't let me talk about it then it's only going to get worse.  Then explain you don't feel listened to, you try to be a good listener but you don't feel you are getting the same in return.  If he interrupts put your hand up in the sign of a stop, then say please just let me finish.  You are right to raise this subject with him because a good marriage can't exist in a communication vacuum. In fairness to him, he needs to understand the seriousness of your concern and have a chance to do better.  If he refuses,  tell him you want to seek couples counseling then do it, with him or without him.

I've been suppressing it for quite some time, but there are days when I can't make eye contact with her. I think she knows, and we both admitted there was some type of vibe, but the overall discussion was vague. I think she could possibly be dating someone that works with us. It's driving me crazy. As an act of expression, I have purchased a gift for her that's personalized. I haven't given it to her yet.

There are many possible ways dating your boss could go awry and jeopardize your occupational well-being so my recommendation is to hold off on presenting your boss with a personalized gift and instead focus on building attraction and romantic interest with someone who is not at the workplace.  Sometimes the element of power and unavailability can heighten our sexual interest but that doesn't mean it's a healthy idea to pursue someone who is in a position of power over you at your workplace.  

I've never been able to talk with my parents. My parents are in their sixties while I am a teenager. I love both of them but not their personalities. I feel that they do not take me seriously whenever I talk about a serious event in my life. If my dad doesn’t believe me, then my mom goes along with my dad and acts like she doesn’t believe me either. I’m a pansexual, but I can’t trust my own parents. I've fought depression and won; however, stress and anxiety are killing me. I feel that my friends don't listen to me. I know they have their own problems, which I do my best to help with. But they don't always try to help me with mine, when I really need them. I feel as if my childhood has been taken from me. I feel as if I have no one whom I can trust.

I'm sorry you feel so alone and isolated, those feelings in and of themselves can lead to depression, stress and anxiety.  So job one is finding someone you can talk to.  A good friend or an open parent can be as helpful as a professional counselor, but if you don't have those, then by all means call your local Mental Health Association, suicide prevention, or go see your school counseling department. There are many of us now who do on-line, FaceTime, phone counseling so that is an option to consider in your situation.  On the other hand,  If you want to script a conversation with your parents (I'm a great believer in scripting) not that you're going to read it to them, but if you write down exactly what you want to say, read it over a few times before you're ready to have the conversation.  Why?  You'll be much more likely to do it if you're prepared, and you'll  have a better chance of saying everything you want to say in a calm but forceful way.  The same with your friends--you are probably a great listener and therefore attract people who want to talk--so you need to let these friends know you need something in return.  If you practice asking for equal talk time, then perhaps these friends will respond and surprise you, or if you make those demands you'll start attracting people who are looking for equality in friendships.  Now back to that script--first decide do you want to talk to both parents at once, or one at a time.  Then begin to write down the points you want to make such as:   I love you, and I know you love me but I don't feel as though I can trust your love to be unconditional enough to tell you who I really am, and how I really feel.  Find your own words to describe your own feelings.  If I can help, get in touch. You are right to reach out starting here, there are no prizes for suffering in silence and, as you already know, little joy in going it alone. 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 2 years. I've been really sad lately and for the past few months I've realized I'm just way too dependent on him. It makes me really upset to be so dependent on someone else, but I can't help it. I don't even know who I am without him. How can I be less dependent on my him?

Recognizing that you're too dependent on your boyfriend can be a wakeup call and an excellent opportunity to work on your own personal growth and independence.  It sounds like it's time to explore and develop your own interests and engage in some activities that excite and challenge you.  If you have time, it could be useful to begin a new activity or class, cultivate friendships outside of your relationship with your boyfriend, and begin to reflect and meditate on ways to enhance your own personal fulfillment.

My husband and I have been married for seven years, and in that time, we have only had sex four or five times. Others have told me that most men would have left me by now. Honestly, I think I have a low sex drive or neither one of us actually knows what we are doing. I want to be better connected with my husband.

In order to develop a better intimate connection with your husband, it's important to first cultivate a strong connection with yourself.  I would take some time to explore your own body, notice what feels pleasurable, and play with different ways to achieve orgasm on your own.  Explore your own willingness to be open emotionally, sexually, and to play and have fun.Once you've engaged in a process of self exploration, I would check in with yourself and be honest about why you're not enjoying sex.  Are there specific reasons you're not enjoying sex with your husband?  Sometimes the reasons might be of a sexual nature and other times there could be emotional blocks (or anxiety) or other reasons that prevent you from wanting to be fully open and let go with your partner.  From a sexual perspective, I would explore what you can do to increase your own pleasure, learn ways to communicate your needs in a loving way, and focus on pleasure and play (rather than outcome and orgasm).   Begin by taking the pressure off orgasm and enjoy a naked massage together-- focusing on exploring what feels pleasurable.  Lastly, if you're wanting to learn new skills, check out a local sex workshop.   

I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?

It is absolutely a typical response.  Many of my clients are nervous the first couple of times we meet.  This is essentially a stranger with whom you are sharing your feelings.  

I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?

of  I would love to know a little bit more about what's going on in your life but I will attempt an answer.Yes, you could still be shaky and nervous going to therapy. This therapy thing your doing is sometimes scary. First, because your opening up things that you might have never wanted to. Second, your still building a relationship with this therapist person. You may never get over that. The therapist really can't be your "friend". They are there to push the buttons that you might not want pushed and help you heal.  That in itself is scary and can make you anxious. Third, you really never know where this therapy thing will go. Yes, there are goals. But sometimes side roads need to be taken and sometimes that is scary.Know this you are in the right place. You are taking steps to change. 

I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?

Hello. First, I am so sorry you are experiencing these feelings. They can be intense, I will do my best to offer some suggestions or thoughts that I hope will be helpful to you. There could be a number of things occurring. Therapy is a delicate, private decision and I would first like to commend you for the fact that you are not giving up, that you are working to figure this out, and make this work, it sounds like you are engaged and motivated to receive support from a professional, your continued  dedication and motivation will take you far. I would first start by asking if you have discussed this with your therapist, if you feel comfortable enough telling your therapist what is going on, maybe inform the therapist that  that you feel nervous and shaky. I am a firm believer in open communication between the client and therapist as this builds a healthy therapeutic relationship that yields positive outcomes, if this can be obtained and well received. This is YOUR time for healing and therapy should be a safe, supportive environment to not only process but to seek support and guidance from a professional who can help you move past the barriers. If you feel you are comfortable and able to speak to your therapist, that would be my first suggestion, is to tell he or she how you are feeling. If they know then they can help determine the potential cause and allow you to process and move forward. If this is left un resolved it will be hard for you to move forward. If you are not comfortable discussing this with your therapist, this may be something to take into consideration and worthy of thinking about: why you are not comfortable speaking to the therapist. I understand this is difficult. If I may offer one more suggestion, breathing exercises are very beneficial. Remind yourself what you are working to achieve, close your eyes in a safe moment and breathe in and out slowly, in slowly through your nose and out through your mouth with pursed lips. Breathe in for approximately 5-10 seconds, then let it out slowly. Be sure and do this when you are in private, and feel safe environment. When you begin, I suggest putting your hand on your stomach, over your belly button to feel yourself actually taking in those deep breaths. I know it may sound kind of silly but they really work and are incredibly helpful. We often forget to breathe, especially when we  are feeling anxious. You are supported here and try taking yourself through the above thought process and breathing and practice the breathing several times a day. I hope this shaky and uneasy feeling eases. Wishing you the very best!Laura Cassity, LMSW, LMAC

I have family issues, and my dad was both violent and a cheater.

In general, our past is always somewhat alive and does inform our present experiences.  All past experiences, both positive and negative are what have brought you where you are today, physically and emotionally.   That being said, your father's behavior does not have to define you or your future.  You have power over your life and your future.  By learning more about yourself, you can learn to incorporate your past into your present life, without being defined by past traumas.  The best way to grow and learn how to do this is to talk with someone about your experiences.  By talking about your past and present struggles with a trusted confidante or helping professional you will hopefully learn how to be at peace with your past.  

I'm very depressed. How do I find someone to talk to?

If there is no one in your life with whom you feel comfortable, I would recommend identifying someone on this site, psychology today or goodtherapy.org who is in your area, then give that therapist a call to see if you would be a good match.  

My boyfriend is in Ireland for 11 days, and I am an emotional wreck.

It sounds like you and your boyfriend are very close.  Do you typically spend most of your time together?  If so, it may be important to reflect on how you feel when you are apart.  If any separation is difficult, you may need to examine why.  Think about what it is that you miss and what you are anxious, upset or worried about.  If you examine the causes of your distress you likely will experience some relief.   It is important to learn how to be happy when you are alone, it will only improve the way you feel when you are with your boyfriend.  

I've gone to a couple therapy sessions so far and still everytime I walk in I get nervous and shaky. Is this normal? Should I still be feeling like this?

Certainly. 

My boyfriend called me a particular profanity and I broke up with him. This is the third time he's called me this and I'm just completely done with giving him chances. He knows how much it bothers me. I just want to know if I'm over reacting.

It sounds like you are reacting to an issue in communication patterns, rather than a particular word.  The ability to listen considerately to your partner and to have your partner listen to you is one of the keystones of a successful relationship.  If your partner is not listening to, acknowledging and remembering your wishes, that is likely an indicator of some fissures in the foundation of the relationship. 

My fiancé and I come from a strong Christian background but both went off the "straight and narrow" once before. He is having a hard time accepting my past, especially that I'm not a virgin. He has a hard time in general accepting himself and others. His insecurities are hurting our relationship. How can I help him let go of my past and decide to live in the present?

One of the sometimes difficult things about being in a relationship is the fact that you can make goals for yourself, but you can't make goals for your partner. If your fiancé wants to learn to live more in the present and learn to let go of the past or move in a different direction, you can certainly assist him, but you can't independently make it happen.I wonder if both of you would be willing to have a discussion where he is able to explain to you what he is experiencing and you are able to listen for five, 10, 15 minutes in a way that is not blaming or pointing fingers or asking him to change, but just listening (kind of like an investigative reporter) so you can have more details and ask questions that you may have about what certain things mean, when it feels like to to him when this is discussed, etc. At that point, maybe he would willing to listen to your thoughts on the subject as well.Also, if he wants to make a change, it may be helpful to see a therapist who specializes in working with couples. Sometimes changes such as these require a great deal of personal awareness and there can be quite a bit of emotions attached, so it is often helpful to have someone there to assist.It may also be nice to have a discussion where you consider what makes you feel valued, appreciated, special, or loved, and also consider what makes your fiancé feel that way.